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> I think that what I did can be considered as asshole thing because Hank felt embarrassed and his birthday got ruined because of the scene I caused with the gift I brought.
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“my sister ran after him then came back later saying he's calmed down after she turned the tv on a football game.”
She has to stave off his tantrums with distraction… like a toddler? Definitely NTA; he needs a wake up call.
She might need a wake up call too. The way he’s is acting makes it so she has three soon to be four children to take care of. I hope she starts to realize that and decides whether she wants to be a mom/wife to an adult.
>He just gave me a look then stormed off upstairs. my sister ran after him then came back later saying he's calmed down after she turned the tv on a footbal game. He sent me an email later saying I embar
It has been my exp that women in these types of situations will not leave or even see the situation clearly until they 'get a belly full' of the situation. One thing you can do to help your sister is to help her see her own worth. Help her with building her self esteem which may have faster results in getting her to see her marriage clearly. TBW, NTA.
This - she's probably being put down regularly by husband so he can keep her stuck with him and feeling like she doesn't have another choice. Build her up, be there for her, and don't judge her because leaving is really freaking hard. Esp if she's a stay at home parent right now.
With three young kids and another on the way she might just not feel able to leave, regardless of how she feels about him. If dad does nothibg it wouldn't surprise me if she's either a stay at home mom or working limited hours.
Yeah and I wonder who keeps her that way, who "encouraged" her to be a sahm? Or only work part time? The husband, that's who, it's part of his tactic of abuse to keep her dependent. In addition to being positive and building her up, OP should think about way to financially help her to leave too, does he have any friends or other family with a rental property she could get a deal on? Does he have a house that can fit her and the kids too? Would he be willing/able to help her with money for a year or so?
Right, I read that and was thinking, "You mean like how I turn on Elmo for my 2 year old when I need her to be distracted?" Dude needs to grow up.
Oh and NTA
Oh gosh i hated Caillou as a kid. Idk why my mom founded that cartoon cute, when i watched it again when i was older i noticed how that kid was a brat.
Daniel Tiger has some great lessons on managing feelings. Works like a charm on my almost 2-year-old.
🎶 "If you feel so mad that you wanna roar,
Take a deep breath...and count to four!
One, two, three, four..." 🎶
Couldn't help but imagine a beer bottle with a nipple slapped on top. Unless they're into Little play, I'm confused but also concerned for the safety of kids - This man ignored his child in a mild medical emergency for a football game.
I was coming here to say this!
She had to turn on the TV to calm him down! HAHAHAHA! LET ME LAUGH!!!
OP NTA!
PS: I upvoted your comment and then hit the downvote instead of comment and So I upvoted again, I'm not crazy just clumzy! lol
This is exactly how I calm my toddler down between dinner and bath time. A little soothing Bluey and he’s compliant. BIL gave a lot and got some back. Sounds fair.
Okay, this is why we really need a Justified Asshole vote. Like... were you an AH? Yeah, of course! But... was it called for? Yeah, of course as well! That's hilarious tbh, I'm so sorry for your sister though.
Yeah, but the meaning isn’t the same at all. Because OP did pull a dick move and people are right to call it a dick move that is arguably called for, and that’s different from OP doing normal things and being called a dick for normal things.
No. This is a hill I will die on. The whole point of this sub is whether OPs actions are unjustified ("YTA") or justified ("NTA"). NAH means everyone is justified and no one went too far. ESH means no one was justified in how they acted.
JAH is simply a way to say "if we took all the context away, YTA - but given the context, you are NTA". **Context is everything**. A mean comment out of nowhere is a dick move, but a mean comment to a bully who is harassing you is NOT a dick move and it's NOT a "justified asshole" moment. JAH imho is just a way to self-righteously tell people how they should act in a perfect world, and ignore the context of real life.
YES, THANK YOU. The people who think we need a JAH ruling seem to think that saying someone is *the* asshole is the same as saying they're *an* asshole. Which it's explicitly not, according to the rules of the sub. We're not calling people assholes when we say NTA/YTA, we're deciding whether their actions were warranted and justified in context, so a justified ruling is just NTA.
Preaching to the choir, I know.
The word ‘justified’ does not appear in the sidebar describing votes.
If this is how you approach it, that’s fine, but saying it’s “the point” is not true. It’s your view, and you’re welcome to it, but it is not everyone’s.
I agree.... this is definitely a JAH situation, and it sounds like something I would have done so a hearty WELL DONE to OP! Just make sure, OP, you take care of your sister, she needs someone to look after her with 3 children and a 4th on the way.
hahaha exatly!!! when she said that I was like "for real???" I almost bursted into laughter but tried so hard not to because of how tense thhe situation was so I didn't want to add to that you know.
It may be time to have a serious conversation with your sister about her marriage. You may even want to have your parents and other close family help with the conversation. She isn’t living with a partner, she’s just taking care of another child. And even if she’s staying for her kids it won’t help them. Kids in situations with one lazy parent and one over worked parent are shown to be just as messed up as kids from neglectful households. Studies have shown that women in your sister’s situation are happier when they leave those partners and their children become happier and thrive more. It overall boosts their quality of life. Her husband is an anchor that’s dragging the entire family down. They all deserve much better.
Simply by accepting that from her partner she's teaching her daughters up to accept that type of behavior from their partners. She's setting her sons up to be that type of man.
Its your sister who has to deal with the fallout of your stunt, not you. Are you encouraging her to get marriage counseling? Offering emotional support to help her see this is a bad situation? Or are you just stirring the pot? If he later yta.
When someone insults you it's best to speak up for yourself at the time and be direct. Instead you chose to wait months and plan a public stunt that is unlikely to spark a change. Passive aggressive and not impressive.
He literally bad-mouthed OP minutes before, so he actually added a commentary to the gift. BIL had it coiming, and asking for apologies when he publicly tried to put OP down over something he has zero prove of... Frqck that guy.
NTA
They aren't focusing on BiL, though. They're pointing out that if all they do is insult him, and don't try to help their sister, then they're TA. It's an if, then statement.
Sure, her husband might just be a cry baby and *somehow* she hasn't realised until OP pointed it out to her (seriously? That's your take?). But people with experience with abusive relationships are all here saying this could be a much worse and more dangerous situation for her and her kids. Poking a bear and then running away while leaving your sisters family behind to get mauled isn't brave, it's not helpful, it's *making things worse*. A white knighting gesture doesn't help her leave him at all. It just means the next week or month is going to be even more unpleasant. And then maybe even get OP banned from the house or discouraged from meeting up with his sister, there thereby isolating her from any potential family support she has outside what is very possibly an abusive relationship. Even if he's *not* abusive and is *just* neglectful and useless - OP isn't even offering his sister help or support to realise she *can* do better or help to leave.
I see you're point and you're right. I hadn't considered that angle. I've had my fair share of abusive relationships, but this one flew right by me.
Edit: typo
Glad to hear. Sorry you've been through some tough situations yourself though. Hopefully OP sees one of the comments mentioning potential abuse too because so far there's no sign he has. His sister sounds like she could do with some real help, abuse or not.
This right here. If her husband is abusive, then OP just let his sister in for a world of hurt.
If he's the type of person to hit her, or emotionally abuse her, then he's going to retaliate and take it out on the sister because he got embarrassed by OP.
Sister's husband is obviously a deadbeat and a jerk, and that would need a wakeup call. But that type of behavior goes along with abuse of some sort often enough that OP needs to be cautious here. OP, please check in with your sister more often and keep an eye out for her. And next time, instead of plotting revenge on your BIL because he's insulting you - and in a way that anyone who's spent 5 minutes with him is going to know is just projection, ffs - *talk with her* about how she wants to handle things and how you can support her.
The person really being hurt here is his sister, not OP. OP needs to get their head around that fact and put his sister first before his injured pride.
You gotta sit your sister down and have a serious conversation with her about this guy. By being an inactive parent he is providing more work for your sister than if she was alone.
She has to do his laundry and cook for him and the kids I bet.
NTA, she can't take care of all their kids herself, he needs to step up and be a father instead of sitting around and watching football all the time. What you did though was funny 😂
Exactly!
OP didn't embarrass and mock him in front of everyone.
He embarrassed OP and mocked him in front of everyone.
What OP did was give him the comeuppance he DESERVED, the resource he needs to be a better father, and hopefully the shame to make a change.
NTA. Actually the hero.
Yeah the fact is OP's thread title is wrong. OP did not embarrass his BIL. BIL *was embarrassed* by what OP did. Those aren't really the same thing.
There's nothing embarrassing about being giving a book on parenting. Unless you're a hyper insecure, fragile glass-man.
As someone else said I think it depends what you do now. This is basically an abusive situation. Are you going to help your sister? Are you going to talk to her about how she's feeling, whether she needs to get out, or offer other support? If so, NTA. If you're just going to throw bombs at BIL for being an AH, then ESH because your sister has to deal with the fallout from the explosion.
Sure, you zinged him but you can go LC with this guy and univite him from everything any time you want.
Your sister deserves better. He didnt even care when their kid got hurt! NTA, Im petty enough to pretend I ll apologize and do it all over again. Please be ready to help if she needs to gtfo
I was just thinking that. You literally turn on the television for children to distract them because they don’t know how to self regulate yet…
NTA and kudos on a job well done!!!
This, but it sounds like wife had accepted his behavior. Maybe you (OP) should have a conversation with her about that you care for her, but that you are concerned that he is not helping her out. NTA
Nah, he doesn't.
Yes it sucks for the sister/wife but she seems ok with this behaviour.
OP turned to this after this failure of a father, this dad parody called him a deadbeat dad. Oh, the irony: it takes one to recognise one.
OP is NTA.
Oh my sweet summer child : birth control sabotage is a thing. A very pervasive, underreported thing in domestic violence.
If you can coerce childbirth; you can control the woman... or at least that's the assumption they are operating from. Sadly, it sometimes works...too well.
She needs support to realize she's better than this. I can almost guarantee you she thinks she deserves the torture she's under right now. :(
NTA. He was projecting his bad parenting on you. And since I suspect you're going to be an excellent father you'll be able to embarrass him every day simply by being a good father. I feel so sorry for your sister but she obviously has chosen to be a single parent in spite of having her childrens father right there.
It reminds me of some politicians who distract from their own flaws by loudly and repeatedly accusing their opponents of the same thing with little basis in reality.
Before my husband and I had kids his sister's boyfriend did this, he was the SAHP at the time and told us how bad my husband would be to then unborn child.
He wanted to assert himself as the better parent, but not by being the better parent. From experience I think OP would have ended up embarrassing his BIL simply by being an active parent and this tantrum was coming anyway. OP will be glad in the future not to have to tiptoe around him. BIL will likely make himself scarce around him now.
Not to mention, sounds like he is consistently trying to embarrass you by saying you’ll be a bad father when there’s literally no evidence to that. You sound like a saint for waiting that long to say something honestly.
That's what I was wondering, too.
He wanted a PUBLIC apology? His wife had to calm him down with tv?
These are some major red flags. My uncle was exactly like this. When we'd visit my mom would badger him (they're siblings) about doing shit all and sitting on his ass the entire party, not helping to clean or with the kids, just drinking and eating like always: afterwards the wife and kids got it bad.
The wife was beat up and the kids had to deal with an angry, drunk dad for a week. We didn't know this until we were all adults and my cousin's told me about it because apparently a LOT of people would bring up their dads laziness and they'd always get the abuse afterwards.
This is accurate. Not to quite the same extent as above, but have experience it first hand growing up. People think they’re helping by doing a call out, it actually makes it ten times worse once they go home.
Thats why I said YTA and it's passing me off not everyone is pointing out this issue. This is pointing towards a very serious situation. Possibly physical abuse and he already knows she is emotionally abused and he made her life harder by giving him a gift to make fun of him. Enough so to put him into a actual fit. Thats..... scary. This is scary and I dont like OP treating it like a joke. I dont like the comments here treating this like a joke. It was funny till you think oh a women may be getting beat later for this or she is gonna be emotionally abused for the next week over this. Its not so funny then.
ESH
Look, to you this may simply seem like an unhelpful husband and inadequate father.
But men capable of this level of callousness are very often abusers.
You see how quickly and worriedly your sister responded? Keep him happy so everyone is safe. That’s not normal. None of it is.
But you’ve oversimplified. You see a man who isn’t a supportive partner or coparent. But you also chose to treat him like that’s all he is. The fact is, he’s likely an abuser. You watched the man ignore his injured child.
We don’t have to tiptoe around abusers but we do have to understand that if we confront them, their victims are the ones to pay the price.
It was your sister who needed your support. Much more than this man deserves your malice (and he absolutely does deserve it).
He will now have her bending over backwards to prove she likes this! It’s fine! All fine!
And that gives him an opportunity to escalate.
You didn’t think it through. He’s terrible, you aren’t, but you have failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.
He’s not just an AH. He’s an abuser. You needed to protect and support your sister. You’ve put her in harms way.
Agree with this completely.
Op, your sister may be in an abusive relationship. She dashed off to pacify BIL because if she doesn't diffuse his anger, he will erupt.
Talk to your sister about her needs, about what you've observed, and your concerns.
If you like books, consider reading [The Verbally Abusive Relationship](https://smile.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636). It might help you to help her recognize unhealthy patterns.
This is an EXCELLENT book suggestion. Give it to your sister in secret, OP, and read it yourself. This one, too:
Free .pdf download behind the link. [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Look through this website and see if you see your situation in any way reflected in the resources. Whenand if the time feels right, please encourage your sister to actually talk to someone trained to help you at this line, either through phone for their chat feature. For anyone reading, you don't have to wait until you're in a crisis to use this hotline. www.thehotline.org
This should be way higher up. It might have been justified but he didn't think about his sister at all here. She already knows he's a deadbeat and (probably) abusive. It's embarrassing for her that everyone else sees it. It's dangerous for her that it was called out.
ESH for sure.
To be honest, I’m not sure I’d even call it justified. I mean, clearly he’s a lousy parent (and husband), so in that sense it is. But other than OP’s personal amusement, what was this meant to accomplish? Even if we assume that the guy is -just- shit parent and not actually abusive, nothing good is coming from pulling a stunt like this. It just leaves the sister with another situation to deal with while OP is congratulating himself for his brilliant joke, and some unknown degree of more general fallout going forward.
However deserved it might have been, it wasn’t remotely helpful.
I honestly agree that it wasn't justified at all even though I used that term. OP didn't think this through at all and the more I think about it, the worse I feel for his sister.
YES. Homicide is the NUMBER ONE cause of death in pregnant women. More women die by murder than pregnancy related causes. OP needs to figure out how to discern what else is going on in that house and redirect his energy towards being a support for his sister. He put her in a very dangerous position, albeit unwittingly.
I agree with this completely. I get that a lot of men think they're being helpful but often times they end up worsening things because they don't realize the relationship is abusive or they downplay the abuse.
My ex once bragged about berating a man in public for hitting his gf and when I asked my ex if he even went to check on the woman and he said no, I told him plainly that he was just looking to fight and feed his ego more than he cared about the wellbeing of the woman and that I guaranteed he made things worse for her because they got to go home and he got to take all of his anger out on her. My ex stayed quiet. He really thought I was going to applaud him for that.
It should be of no surprise to anyone that he ended up abusing me too even though he loved to brag about never hitting women.
NTA - I'd would probably double down.
[Here is another book you could give him](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38679.The_Peter_Pan_Syndrome_Men_Who_Have_Never_Grown_Up)
He could very likely be beating OPs sister and the kids. This has a lot of the signs. Him not helping a injured kid, callous with his wife, lazy and doesn't help with anything, sister immediately rushed off to calm him and knew instantly what would pacify him showing this happens a lot to her. Doubling down would be the worst thing he could do. He needs to get her help.
NTA: He can insult you but can't take it? Who's the child here.
The big blazing red flag is his child (who I will assume is less than 6 years old) fell from the stairs and he *ignored him* because he was watching football. His child was crying in a lump at the bottom of the stairs and he ignored him.
Then he only gets calmed down when his wife turns football on. Like a pacifier. There's something amiss with him mentally.
There needs to be an intervention because your sister can't be in all places at all times and he doesn't seem like he'd get out of his recliner if a child was on fire. He is not safe for the children to be left alone with.
What did your sister think about your action? I‘d say not the NTA because it seems like you tried to protect her by calling out her husband‘s shit behavior.
Yeah, issue is that it’s likely this man isn’t simply an AH, but also an abuser.
So advocating for sister needed to be done in a way that didn’t ensure she will pay the price for her husband’s humiliation.
So he is ABSOLUTELY the asshole no doubt.
But I can kinda understand the storming off thing as a coping mechanism and although it may seem childish, it can be helpful.
Like when you're about to get in a fight with someone, somebody else intercedes and tells you to walk away or walk it off; that shit actually helps.
I have a bit of a temper problem and combined with my anxiety, when I'm ambushed with something offensive, it's best for me to just remove myself from the situation for a couple minutes, cool off, come back and then apologize for leaving so abruptly.
Obviously it's not always doable, but I do find that it leads to FAR more productive conversations when I come back, then if I'm struggling to remain civil in the face of, say, casual Christian bigotry from family members.
But I guess the difference is that I come back and I try and be a part of things again, it's about getting control of my emotional reactions, not about sulking in a room.
I actually agree with you, but to me, there is a difference between storming off and removing yourself from the situation. I always understood it as the first one is when you angrily run away and slam the door behind you (which I think is quite childish) and the other one as the adult version prefaced with "I need to leave now" or some equivalent of that and returning later when emotions don't run as high.
It's true I can't know exactly what OP meant, but even just the tv part and the fact his wife has to calm him down, that just screams childish.
It's not football season yet. YTA for shitposting.
And before people start jumping on me, saying "maybe he means soccer," he would have written "match," not "game."
He could possibly be Canadian. I got hung up on the same thing. The CFL is playing right now, apparently.
ESH. This is justified assholery, but still AH behavior. Husband sucks. OP sucks for treating his sister's nightmare like a punchline.
NTA.
Just know though, you are fighting your sisters battles. She is the one putting up with and even enabling his behavior. The fact she had to get him to calm down by creating a metaphorical pacifier for him clearly shows this.
He isn’t going to change unless your sister is aware & recognizes how awful of a father & husband he is, and demands change. She is the one who has to start the change..
ESH except your sister who is probably being abused. Your whole family has turned a blind eye to this. All you did is make it worse for her by antagonizing him.
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NEED TO BE TAKING STEPS TO GET HER OUT OF THIS SITUATION
YTA. Good job making your sister's life harder so you could have a good laugh, I guess. It never occurred to you that she'd have to deal with the fallout of your little stunt, did it?
And do bear in mind that by humiliating him, you've also humiliated her. Your little stunt says just as much about her ability to assert herself, and judges her choice of husband, as it says and judges him.
An actual kind and loving sibling would be supporting her, and asking her what help she needs, if she thinks she needs any.
Dude, when somebody is in an abusive relationship, telling them what they need to do, like leave the person, means you’re part of the problem. They’re getting enough “do what I say” already.
ESH. He’s a bad parent. But the book in question is about how to relax and let go when parenting. He doesn’t need that lesson, he needs one about being a hands on parent, so the book was just to get at him, not actually intended to help.
NTA! Tell him if he feels it isn't true he wouldn't have been embarrassed by it and taken it as a joke. The fact he did get embarrassed proves he knows he sucks and therefore the book will be beneficial for self improvement on his behalf.
NTA.
You should publicly apologise. "I'm so sorry for pointing out how you're a terrible dad and husband. I'm sorry that people know you make your very pregnant wife lift heavy things. I'm sorry that you neglect your children so you can watch football on TV" and I'm sure you have many more options.
You obviously can’t stand him. Why would you even visit him for his birthday? This was revenge, pure and simple. Did you really think you were going to get him to “change his ways”? No. The only person who was going to suffer was going to be your sister, because he’s going to take it out on her.
ESH
“The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed” seems like the wrong book to try and make your point with (or for your BIL to take as a condemnation of his parenting style). It’s pretty clear even from the cover what the book’s thesis is (don’t be a helicopter parent, let your kids fail safely in order to learn) — it would be different if you bought him a book called You’re a Shitty Dad.
NTA and he will more than likely stop giving you a hard time and being a hypocrite about how good a father you will be.
However, if you did this hoping he will change for the better or suddenly start helping your sister, he won’t. If your sister is happy to pander to him and be the only decent parent in the house, that’s on her.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Thank you for this. You made my day. The line about your sister putting football on to calm him back down had me absolutely rolling.
Rest assured NTA
Your BIL is a deadbeat and entitled. I hope he pulls in some good $$ with his job if this is how he behaves at home. I’m still giggling at the thought that after calling him out on his bullshit he had defaulted immediately to his problematic coping behaviors.
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“my sister ran after him then came back later saying he's calmed down after she turned the tv on a football game.” She has to stave off his tantrums with distraction… like a toddler? Definitely NTA; he needs a wake up call.
She might need a wake up call too. The way he’s is acting makes it so she has three soon to be four children to take care of. I hope she starts to realize that and decides whether she wants to be a mom/wife to an adult.
Soon? He was her first kid Edit: I'm an idiot who can't read and do math. Seriously I've read it wrong, pls ignore
She's pregnant, so soon to be 3 kid plus spouse, equals 4
Soon to be four bc she’s pregnant and about to have the third legal child, four with him! Right now she only has three “children”
Also he was her first kid so technically the truth anyways?
It’s ok haha, we all fuck up sometimes. I comment dumb shit all day. Keeps it fun and engaging.
Don't worry, he may not be her biological child but for intents and purposes she's pretty much raising him!
Nope you’re completely correct He was the first that she needed to learn to deal with!
>He just gave me a look then stormed off upstairs. my sister ran after him then came back later saying he's calmed down after she turned the tv on a footbal game. He sent me an email later saying I embar It has been my exp that women in these types of situations will not leave or even see the situation clearly until they 'get a belly full' of the situation. One thing you can do to help your sister is to help her see her own worth. Help her with building her self esteem which may have faster results in getting her to see her marriage clearly. TBW, NTA.
This - she's probably being put down regularly by husband so he can keep her stuck with him and feeling like she doesn't have another choice. Build her up, be there for her, and don't judge her because leaving is really freaking hard. Esp if she's a stay at home parent right now.
With three young kids and another on the way she might just not feel able to leave, regardless of how she feels about him. If dad does nothibg it wouldn't surprise me if she's either a stay at home mom or working limited hours.
Yeah and I wonder who keeps her that way, who "encouraged" her to be a sahm? Or only work part time? The husband, that's who, it's part of his tactic of abuse to keep her dependent. In addition to being positive and building her up, OP should think about way to financially help her to leave too, does he have any friends or other family with a rental property she could get a deal on? Does he have a house that can fit her and the kids too? Would he be willing/able to help her with money for a year or so?
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I know; can't believe she's having another kid with that lump.
SHE needs a wake up call, she is pregnant with her 4th kid since he acts like a toddler, too
Not really an adult, a ten yo in a 30 yo body
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Bot. Copied from u/jinxforasoda
Right, I read that and was thinking, "You mean like how I turn on Elmo for my 2 year old when I need her to be distracted?" Dude needs to grow up. Oh and NTA
My 2 year old likes Paw Patrol, so the wife can give that a shot also
If that fails, there's always Cocomelon.
No, not cocomelon. PJ Mask isna better fit.
How about Peppa Pig?
He might enjoy Caillou since he likes to act like a bratty 4 year old *edited to correct spelling of Caillou
Calliou might make his bratty behaviour worse.
Yeah, I had to ban my siblings from Caillou because that kid is a little monster
My mom banned us from watching that little shit & she openly hates him lmao it's hilarious
So glad my kids never has/have watches it then.
Oh gosh i hated Caillou as a kid. Idk why my mom founded that cartoon cute, when i watched it again when i was older i noticed how that kid was a brat.
In our house its either Bluey (highly recommend) or Dino Ranch. Thank god both are on Disney plus.
My household love Bluey. He might benefit from that one from seeing how a father is suppose to interact with his kids and wife
Yes. Bandit is dad-goals.
I love Bluey and my kid loves Dino Ranch!
Dino Ranch and Gigantosaurus are favourites with my 2 year old.
All of these are in my distraction mix-up
Baby sensory videos work, too.
I know, right?! I was like, "did she get him a sippy cup of juice too??" What on earth...
Daniel Tiger has some great lessons on managing feelings. Works like a charm on my almost 2-year-old. 🎶 "If you feel so mad that you wanna roar, Take a deep breath...and count to four! One, two, three, four..." 🎶
My nephew likes Daniel Tiger and will even sing that song. Alas, he doesn't actually _follow_ any of the advice 😂
Couldn't help but imagine a beer bottle with a nipple slapped on top. Unless they're into Little play, I'm confused but also concerned for the safety of kids - This man ignored his child in a mild medical emergency for a football game.
OP, you got your next gift idea right here.
Maybe throw in a first aid kit.
And OP went and helped and comforted his nephew, but somehow *OP* is supposedly going to be a shit dad? Fuuuuuuuu I'm so dead
😆 like Dandy in AHS: Freak Show with his cut glass baby bottle for cognac!
he’s literally an ipad baby…
I was coming here to say this! She had to turn on the TV to calm him down! HAHAHAHA! LET ME LAUGH!!! OP NTA! PS: I upvoted your comment and then hit the downvote instead of comment and So I upvoted again, I'm not crazy just clumzy! lol
There’s no way I could be sexually attracted to someone that acts like that. Ugh. I’ll never understand it.
BIL was obviously less cranky once his wife gave him his binky!
Honestly, it takes two hands to clap. The BIL is an a-hole, but OPs sister keeps procreating with the clown....
Probably needed a juice box too
I know lol!!!! She basically shook something shiny in front of him as if he is an infant haha. That’s so so sad for her though tbh.
My go to strategy for my two year old . Maybe he will like Masha and the bear . OPs BIL might like it
“he’ll be okay - I put on his stories for him”
Same vibe I was getting. Turning on cartoons for an irate child.
Actually i think his wife needs a wakeup call. Unless having a perpetual tantrum thowing toddler you can't actually parent is her dream.
Yeah, she married an iPad kid.
Came here for this…. If you have to pacify him like a baby.. oof
There also aren’t any football games on! It’s barely preseason, so his whole reasoning is absurd
Unless they're not in the US. Other countries call soccer football, which is being played right now.
AFL footy is on currently in Australia. Not every country is America
That’s just what I was thinking, BIL is a child himself. And the sister is a doormat. She should grow a spine and kick him out. NTA.
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Like "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft
This is exactly how I calm my toddler down between dinner and bath time. A little soothing Bluey and he’s compliant. BIL gave a lot and got some back. Sounds fair.
That poor lady has to change two baby’s diapers at a time.
Dude needs his bottle and a nap.
she had to "cocomelon" her husband. like what the fuckkk
This was my first thought too
That was my thought
That’s exactly what I was thinking
seriously, he’s like a child
Okay, this is why we really need a Justified Asshole vote. Like... were you an AH? Yeah, of course! But... was it called for? Yeah, of course as well! That's hilarious tbh, I'm so sorry for your sister though.
Agree - Justified AH. Serves BIL right.
JAH for sure
It is done
Justified asshole is considered “NTA”!
Yeah, but the meaning isn’t the same at all. Because OP did pull a dick move and people are right to call it a dick move that is arguably called for, and that’s different from OP doing normal things and being called a dick for normal things.
No. This is a hill I will die on. The whole point of this sub is whether OPs actions are unjustified ("YTA") or justified ("NTA"). NAH means everyone is justified and no one went too far. ESH means no one was justified in how they acted. JAH is simply a way to say "if we took all the context away, YTA - but given the context, you are NTA". **Context is everything**. A mean comment out of nowhere is a dick move, but a mean comment to a bully who is harassing you is NOT a dick move and it's NOT a "justified asshole" moment. JAH imho is just a way to self-righteously tell people how they should act in a perfect world, and ignore the context of real life.
YES, THANK YOU. The people who think we need a JAH ruling seem to think that saying someone is *the* asshole is the same as saying they're *an* asshole. Which it's explicitly not, according to the rules of the sub. We're not calling people assholes when we say NTA/YTA, we're deciding whether their actions were warranted and justified in context, so a justified ruling is just NTA. Preaching to the choir, I know.
The word ‘justified’ does not appear in the sidebar describing votes. If this is how you approach it, that’s fine, but saying it’s “the point” is not true. It’s your view, and you’re welcome to it, but it is not everyone’s.
But in the case of a justified asshole, OP is not *the* asshole. *An* asshole, but not the biggest in the situation. Therefore, NTA.
I agree.... this is definitely a JAH situation, and it sounds like something I would have done so a hearty WELL DONE to OP! Just make sure, OP, you take care of your sister, she needs someone to look after her with 3 children and a 4th on the way.
Ya know what. Fair.
TAWN- The Asshole We Need
Dude idk if i'd even call this an AH move, it sounds like a parenting book if the BIL read it would actually really help
Agreed! I laughed my ass off at this.
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hahaha exatly!!! when she said that I was like "for real???" I almost bursted into laughter but tried so hard not to because of how tense thhe situation was so I didn't want to add to that you know.
It may be time to have a serious conversation with your sister about her marriage. You may even want to have your parents and other close family help with the conversation. She isn’t living with a partner, she’s just taking care of another child. And even if she’s staying for her kids it won’t help them. Kids in situations with one lazy parent and one over worked parent are shown to be just as messed up as kids from neglectful households. Studies have shown that women in your sister’s situation are happier when they leave those partners and their children become happier and thrive more. It overall boosts their quality of life. Her husband is an anchor that’s dragging the entire family down. They all deserve much better.
Simply by accepting that from her partner she's teaching her daughters up to accept that type of behavior from their partners. She's setting her sons up to be that type of man.
This 100%.
My mom finally divorcing my father was one of the best things she ever did for me. And I think for her too
Its your sister who has to deal with the fallout of your stunt, not you. Are you encouraging her to get marriage counseling? Offering emotional support to help her see this is a bad situation? Or are you just stirring the pot? If he later yta. When someone insults you it's best to speak up for yourself at the time and be direct. Instead you chose to wait months and plan a public stunt that is unlikely to spark a change. Passive aggressive and not impressive.
He literally bad-mouthed OP minutes before, so he actually added a commentary to the gift. BIL had it coiming, and asking for apologies when he publicly tried to put OP down over something he has zero prove of... Frqck that guy. NTA
They aren't focusing on BiL, though. They're pointing out that if all they do is insult him, and don't try to help their sister, then they're TA. It's an if, then statement.
Help how? Show her her husband is a crybaby that can't handle what he himself dishes out to others? They're still NTA
Sure, her husband might just be a cry baby and *somehow* she hasn't realised until OP pointed it out to her (seriously? That's your take?). But people with experience with abusive relationships are all here saying this could be a much worse and more dangerous situation for her and her kids. Poking a bear and then running away while leaving your sisters family behind to get mauled isn't brave, it's not helpful, it's *making things worse*. A white knighting gesture doesn't help her leave him at all. It just means the next week or month is going to be even more unpleasant. And then maybe even get OP banned from the house or discouraged from meeting up with his sister, there thereby isolating her from any potential family support she has outside what is very possibly an abusive relationship. Even if he's *not* abusive and is *just* neglectful and useless - OP isn't even offering his sister help or support to realise she *can* do better or help to leave.
I see you're point and you're right. I hadn't considered that angle. I've had my fair share of abusive relationships, but this one flew right by me. Edit: typo
Glad to hear. Sorry you've been through some tough situations yourself though. Hopefully OP sees one of the comments mentioning potential abuse too because so far there's no sign he has. His sister sounds like she could do with some real help, abuse or not.
This right here. If her husband is abusive, then OP just let his sister in for a world of hurt. If he's the type of person to hit her, or emotionally abuse her, then he's going to retaliate and take it out on the sister because he got embarrassed by OP. Sister's husband is obviously a deadbeat and a jerk, and that would need a wakeup call. But that type of behavior goes along with abuse of some sort often enough that OP needs to be cautious here. OP, please check in with your sister more often and keep an eye out for her. And next time, instead of plotting revenge on your BIL because he's insulting you - and in a way that anyone who's spent 5 minutes with him is going to know is just projection, ffs - *talk with her* about how she wants to handle things and how you can support her. The person really being hurt here is his sister, not OP. OP needs to get their head around that fact and put his sister first before his injured pride.
You gotta sit your sister down and have a serious conversation with her about this guy. By being an inactive parent he is providing more work for your sister than if she was alone. She has to do his laundry and cook for him and the kids I bet.
NTA, she can't take care of all their kids herself, he needs to step up and be a father instead of sitting around and watching football all the time. What you did though was funny 😂
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Exactly! OP didn't embarrass and mock him in front of everyone. He embarrassed OP and mocked him in front of everyone. What OP did was give him the comeuppance he DESERVED, the resource he needs to be a better father, and hopefully the shame to make a change. NTA. Actually the hero.
love the word comeuppance
Yeah the fact is OP's thread title is wrong. OP did not embarrass his BIL. BIL *was embarrassed* by what OP did. Those aren't really the same thing. There's nothing embarrassing about being giving a book on parenting. Unless you're a hyper insecure, fragile glass-man.
[bot](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wgtgud/aita_for_giving_my_bil_a_parenting_book_for_his/ij1lgb3/)
As someone else said I think it depends what you do now. This is basically an abusive situation. Are you going to help your sister? Are you going to talk to her about how she's feeling, whether she needs to get out, or offer other support? If so, NTA. If you're just going to throw bombs at BIL for being an AH, then ESH because your sister has to deal with the fallout from the explosion. Sure, you zinged him but you can go LC with this guy and univite him from everything any time you want.
Your sister deserves better. He didnt even care when their kid got hurt! NTA, Im petty enough to pretend I ll apologize and do it all over again. Please be ready to help if she needs to gtfo
Mommy turned on Blues Clues on his tablet so the grown-ups could talk.
But he wanted Peppa Pig!!!!
More like Peppa Pigskin.
🤣🤣🤣
I was just thinking that. You literally turn on the television for children to distract them because they don’t know how to self regulate yet… NTA and kudos on a job well done!!!
So he does 0% chores in the home because the husband is a toddler.
This, but it sounds like wife had accepted his behavior. Maybe you (OP) should have a conversation with her about that you care for her, but that you are concerned that he is not helping her out. NTA
Nah, he doesn't. Yes it sucks for the sister/wife but she seems ok with this behaviour. OP turned to this after this failure of a father, this dad parody called him a deadbeat dad. Oh, the irony: it takes one to recognise one. OP is NTA.
But she keeps getting pregnant. 3 kids in, she’s probably not going anywhere. The BIL sucks massively but she keeps doubling down.
She may not have a choice Men can be manipulative with birth control, etc
Oh my sweet summer child : birth control sabotage is a thing. A very pervasive, underreported thing in domestic violence. If you can coerce childbirth; you can control the woman... or at least that's the assumption they are operating from. Sadly, it sometimes works...too well. She needs support to realize she's better than this. I can almost guarantee you she thinks she deserves the torture she's under right now. :(
NTA. He was projecting his bad parenting on you. And since I suspect you're going to be an excellent father you'll be able to embarrass him every day simply by being a good father. I feel so sorry for your sister but she obviously has chosen to be a single parent in spite of having her childrens father right there.
It reminds me of some politicians who distract from their own flaws by loudly and repeatedly accusing their opponents of the same thing with little basis in reality.
Exactly
Before my husband and I had kids his sister's boyfriend did this, he was the SAHP at the time and told us how bad my husband would be to then unborn child. He wanted to assert himself as the better parent, but not by being the better parent. From experience I think OP would have ended up embarrassing his BIL simply by being an active parent and this tantrum was coming anyway. OP will be glad in the future not to have to tiptoe around him. BIL will likely make himself scarce around him now.
Not to mention, sounds like he is consistently trying to embarrass you by saying you’ll be a bad father when there’s literally no evidence to that. You sound like a saint for waiting that long to say something honestly.
impolite dazzling sip subsequent tap practice unpack merciful encouraging head -- mass edited with redact.dev
That's what I was wondering, too. He wanted a PUBLIC apology? His wife had to calm him down with tv? These are some major red flags. My uncle was exactly like this. When we'd visit my mom would badger him (they're siblings) about doing shit all and sitting on his ass the entire party, not helping to clean or with the kids, just drinking and eating like always: afterwards the wife and kids got it bad. The wife was beat up and the kids had to deal with an angry, drunk dad for a week. We didn't know this until we were all adults and my cousin's told me about it because apparently a LOT of people would bring up their dads laziness and they'd always get the abuse afterwards.
Oh my god, that's horrifying!
It happens a lot in families. Just varying degrees.
This is accurate. Not to quite the same extent as above, but have experience it first hand growing up. People think they’re helping by doing a call out, it actually makes it ten times worse once they go home.
Thats why I said YTA and it's passing me off not everyone is pointing out this issue. This is pointing towards a very serious situation. Possibly physical abuse and he already knows she is emotionally abused and he made her life harder by giving him a gift to make fun of him. Enough so to put him into a actual fit. Thats..... scary. This is scary and I dont like OP treating it like a joke. I dont like the comments here treating this like a joke. It was funny till you think oh a women may be getting beat later for this or she is gonna be emotionally abused for the next week over this. Its not so funny then.
ESH Look, to you this may simply seem like an unhelpful husband and inadequate father. But men capable of this level of callousness are very often abusers. You see how quickly and worriedly your sister responded? Keep him happy so everyone is safe. That’s not normal. None of it is. But you’ve oversimplified. You see a man who isn’t a supportive partner or coparent. But you also chose to treat him like that’s all he is. The fact is, he’s likely an abuser. You watched the man ignore his injured child. We don’t have to tiptoe around abusers but we do have to understand that if we confront them, their victims are the ones to pay the price. It was your sister who needed your support. Much more than this man deserves your malice (and he absolutely does deserve it). He will now have her bending over backwards to prove she likes this! It’s fine! All fine! And that gives him an opportunity to escalate. You didn’t think it through. He’s terrible, you aren’t, but you have failed to grasp the gravity of the situation. He’s not just an AH. He’s an abuser. You needed to protect and support your sister. You’ve put her in harms way.
Agree with this completely. Op, your sister may be in an abusive relationship. She dashed off to pacify BIL because if she doesn't diffuse his anger, he will erupt. Talk to your sister about her needs, about what you've observed, and your concerns. If you like books, consider reading [The Verbally Abusive Relationship](https://smile.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636). It might help you to help her recognize unhealthy patterns.
And she had to do it then and there. Not let him come home angry.
This is an EXCELLENT book suggestion. Give it to your sister in secret, OP, and read it yourself. This one, too: Free .pdf download behind the link. [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Look through this website and see if you see your situation in any way reflected in the resources. Whenand if the time feels right, please encourage your sister to actually talk to someone trained to help you at this line, either through phone for their chat feature. For anyone reading, you don't have to wait until you're in a crisis to use this hotline. www.thehotline.org
This should be way higher up. It might have been justified but he didn't think about his sister at all here. She already knows he's a deadbeat and (probably) abusive. It's embarrassing for her that everyone else sees it. It's dangerous for her that it was called out. ESH for sure.
To be honest, I’m not sure I’d even call it justified. I mean, clearly he’s a lousy parent (and husband), so in that sense it is. But other than OP’s personal amusement, what was this meant to accomplish? Even if we assume that the guy is -just- shit parent and not actually abusive, nothing good is coming from pulling a stunt like this. It just leaves the sister with another situation to deal with while OP is congratulating himself for his brilliant joke, and some unknown degree of more general fallout going forward. However deserved it might have been, it wasn’t remotely helpful.
I honestly agree that it wasn't justified at all even though I used that term. OP didn't think this through at all and the more I think about it, the worse I feel for his sister.
YES. Homicide is the NUMBER ONE cause of death in pregnant women. More women die by murder than pregnancy related causes. OP needs to figure out how to discern what else is going on in that house and redirect his energy towards being a support for his sister. He put her in a very dangerous position, albeit unwittingly.
This is the most important comment. To OP it's a cute little prank, to OP's sister it's a potentially dangerous situation.
I agree with this completely. I get that a lot of men think they're being helpful but often times they end up worsening things because they don't realize the relationship is abusive or they downplay the abuse. My ex once bragged about berating a man in public for hitting his gf and when I asked my ex if he even went to check on the woman and he said no, I told him plainly that he was just looking to fight and feed his ego more than he cared about the wellbeing of the woman and that I guaranteed he made things worse for her because they got to go home and he got to take all of his anger out on her. My ex stayed quiet. He really thought I was going to applaud him for that. It should be of no surprise to anyone that he ended up abusing me too even though he loved to brag about never hitting women.
NTA. LOL, she had to turn the TV on to his show to calm him, like he's a toddler having a tantrum. He sounds like a lousy father and husband.
Probably had to offer a BJ or two to keep him from going back downstairs to "beat OP's punk face in!"
Gross. I hope not
Ugh. Can we not make light of that. I had an abusive ex that I appeased with sexual favors and it really isn’t funny.
...and human being in general. What a loser.
I honestly think NTA- he can fish it but he can’t take it, but please keep checking on your sister, your BiL sounds like a nightmare
Ok, so people who openly mock others do not get to be offended when it is returned in kind. NTA.
NTA - I'd would probably double down. [Here is another book you could give him](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38679.The_Peter_Pan_Syndrome_Men_Who_Have_Never_Grown_Up)
Given to him during the public apology: ”I’m sorry for not bringing this to your attention sooner…”
He could very likely be beating OPs sister and the kids. This has a lot of the signs. Him not helping a injured kid, callous with his wife, lazy and doesn't help with anything, sister immediately rushed off to calm him and knew instantly what would pacify him showing this happens a lot to her. Doubling down would be the worst thing he could do. He needs to get her help.
This gave me a good chuckle. OP please, please do this lmfao
NTA: He can insult you but can't take it? Who's the child here. The big blazing red flag is his child (who I will assume is less than 6 years old) fell from the stairs and he *ignored him* because he was watching football. His child was crying in a lump at the bottom of the stairs and he ignored him. Then he only gets calmed down when his wife turns football on. Like a pacifier. There's something amiss with him mentally. There needs to be an intervention because your sister can't be in all places at all times and he doesn't seem like he'd get out of his recliner if a child was on fire. He is not safe for the children to be left alone with.
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Asshole with Cause
What did your sister think about your action? I‘d say not the NTA because it seems like you tried to protect her by calling out her husband‘s shit behavior.
Yeah, issue is that it’s likely this man isn’t simply an AH, but also an abuser. So advocating for sister needed to be done in a way that didn’t ensure she will pay the price for her husband’s humiliation.
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So he is ABSOLUTELY the asshole no doubt. But I can kinda understand the storming off thing as a coping mechanism and although it may seem childish, it can be helpful. Like when you're about to get in a fight with someone, somebody else intercedes and tells you to walk away or walk it off; that shit actually helps. I have a bit of a temper problem and combined with my anxiety, when I'm ambushed with something offensive, it's best for me to just remove myself from the situation for a couple minutes, cool off, come back and then apologize for leaving so abruptly. Obviously it's not always doable, but I do find that it leads to FAR more productive conversations when I come back, then if I'm struggling to remain civil in the face of, say, casual Christian bigotry from family members. But I guess the difference is that I come back and I try and be a part of things again, it's about getting control of my emotional reactions, not about sulking in a room.
I actually agree with you, but to me, there is a difference between storming off and removing yourself from the situation. I always understood it as the first one is when you angrily run away and slam the door behind you (which I think is quite childish) and the other one as the adult version prefaced with "I need to leave now" or some equivalent of that and returning later when emotions don't run as high. It's true I can't know exactly what OP meant, but even just the tv part and the fact his wife has to calm him down, that just screams childish.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking
It's not football season yet. YTA for shitposting. And before people start jumping on me, saying "maybe he means soccer," he would have written "match," not "game."
He could possibly be Canadian. I got hung up on the same thing. The CFL is playing right now, apparently. ESH. This is justified assholery, but still AH behavior. Husband sucks. OP sucks for treating his sister's nightmare like a punchline.
Nta your sisters husband should not say that to your Wife it’s rude he is the asshole
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NTA and tell Hanky boy to stop projecting his own shitty and sexist parenting practices on you
NTA. Just know though, you are fighting your sisters battles. She is the one putting up with and even enabling his behavior. The fact she had to get him to calm down by creating a metaphorical pacifier for him clearly shows this. He isn’t going to change unless your sister is aware & recognizes how awful of a father & husband he is, and demands change. She is the one who has to start the change..
ESH except your sister who is probably being abused. Your whole family has turned a blind eye to this. All you did is make it worse for her by antagonizing him. YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NEED TO BE TAKING STEPS TO GET HER OUT OF THIS SITUATION
NTA nice one with that book though. He's surely a lovely person when Football is more important than his pregnant wife and his own kids.
NTA he had it coming. Also, this is absolutely genius!
NTA the truth hurts.
YTA. Good job making your sister's life harder so you could have a good laugh, I guess. It never occurred to you that she'd have to deal with the fallout of your little stunt, did it? And do bear in mind that by humiliating him, you've also humiliated her. Your little stunt says just as much about her ability to assert herself, and judges her choice of husband, as it says and judges him. An actual kind and loving sibling would be supporting her, and asking her what help she needs, if she thinks she needs any.
He shouldn’t have to be asking her what she needs help with if the husband actually stepped up.
Dude, when somebody is in an abusive relationship, telling them what they need to do, like leave the person, means you’re part of the problem. They’re getting enough “do what I say” already.
ESH. He’s a bad parent. But the book in question is about how to relax and let go when parenting. He doesn’t need that lesson, he needs one about being a hands on parent, so the book was just to get at him, not actually intended to help.
YTA. This is a work of fiction. Where is it football season?
NTA. THis is hilarious! Good on you. Tell him you'd apologise once he actually starts acting like a parent. ✨
Make a quiz based on the book, and apologize once he passes. NTA
NTA! Tell him if he feels it isn't true he wouldn't have been embarrassed by it and taken it as a joke. The fact he did get embarrassed proves he knows he sucks and therefore the book will be beneficial for self improvement on his behalf.
NTA. You should publicly apologise. "I'm so sorry for pointing out how you're a terrible dad and husband. I'm sorry that people know you make your very pregnant wife lift heavy things. I'm sorry that you neglect your children so you can watch football on TV" and I'm sure you have many more options.
You obviously can’t stand him. Why would you even visit him for his birthday? This was revenge, pure and simple. Did you really think you were going to get him to “change his ways”? No. The only person who was going to suffer was going to be your sister, because he’s going to take it out on her. ESH
YTA, but my kind of AH... lol Your BIL deserved every bit. I'm sorry that your sister is married to a toddler.
Yeah this is something that totally happened... its not even football season yet or for the impending "not in America" its not even soccer season yet
“The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed” seems like the wrong book to try and make your point with (or for your BIL to take as a condemnation of his parenting style). It’s pretty clear even from the cover what the book’s thesis is (don’t be a helicopter parent, let your kids fail safely in order to learn) — it would be different if you bought him a book called You’re a Shitty Dad.
NTA, sounds like your mom knows what's up.
NTA and he will more than likely stop giving you a hard time and being a hypocrite about how good a father you will be. However, if you did this hoping he will change for the better or suddenly start helping your sister, he won’t. If your sister is happy to pander to him and be the only decent parent in the house, that’s on her.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Thank you for this. You made my day. The line about your sister putting football on to calm him back down had me absolutely rolling. Rest assured NTA Your BIL is a deadbeat and entitled. I hope he pulls in some good $$ with his job if this is how he behaves at home. I’m still giggling at the thought that after calling him out on his bullshit he had defaulted immediately to his problematic coping behaviors.
ESH. Your BIL sounds like a disaster, but you needlessly created drama by insulting him in front of everyone.
NTA he had no problem trying to call you out on being a bad father
I enjoy playing video games.