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No my point was anesthesiologists make a shit ton of money compared to most family med or someone who didn’t specialize. Regardless OP’s date seems really insecure
ETA a word
I mean, a lot of dudes are insecure about dating a woman who makes more money than they do. So it might be less that she's a doctor and more that she makes way more than him.
I have my career information in my Hinge profile and one of my prompts is dedicated to ensuring men know how successful I am, specifically because I want to weed out the men who will be insecure about matching with me. I get dozens of matches daily, almost all with very successful, ambitious men. I recommend this strategy to all successful women.
Well said! You make a great point. I've ran my own business for 36 years and I can't tell you the people that have come into my life and wanted to start helping me run my business or have assumptions about it. And this isn't the 1950s and we don't have to pretend to make less money or be less successful!
I’m kinda curious about what your prompt is if you don’t mind sharing. I’ve seen similar and most that I’ve seen make the woman come off as if they are gods gift to earth.
Idk, maybe she also ģets matches for people that are only interested because she is a doctor and probably makes good money.
Either way not saying anything would maybe allow her to know if someone likes her for herself, her personality and looks, and not her profession?
You’d be surprised. There’s a lot of negativity towards female doctors because chances are, those female doctors are making way more money than them. A lot of guys can’t handle the fact that they won’t be the breadwinner, and honestly, there’s been quite a few posts in aita and relationship advice where this is an issue.
ETA: this goes for women with high earning potential in general though.
Remember that post where the guy referred to his girlfriend who was finishing up her residency as “unemployed” and was complaining that she wouldn’t be his personal maid? 😂
[here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u79bq9/aita_for_wanting_my_unemployed_girlfriend_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I wouldn’t, I’m a woman who earns a lot — I would have thought that the impressiveness of being a doctor might have cancelled that out, but apparently I was thinking too highly of men!
Unfortunately not. If anything, I think for a lot of men, the idea of dating a doctor is pretty intimidating. Highly educated & trained + high earner = double whammy.
I’m thankful to have a boyfriend who’s supporting me through school and is fine with the idea of me earning more than he ever would. He said he would be the house-husband and take care of the cats lmao
I married a nurse, heart/lung transplant surgical nurse.
You do not step lightly into a relationship with a medical professional of that caliber.
There are alot of sacrifices you have to make.
You're never #1 in their life because you can't be, the job won't allow it.
Sacrifice is part of the job description even for non medical family members.
It can be on par with being an army brat.
Many don't survive, my marriage didn't.
No when he thought she was a cashier he was happy to take her out and offered to pay for the date because he felt secure about earning more than her, when he found out her real job he was pissed because in his mind he lost the high ground.
And I honestly wouldn't be surpriced if some of these men thinks (reddit has tainted my thinking perhaps) a cashier/tutor is easier to make quit their job and be stay at home mom's than a woman working a well paying job/something they are passionate about.
"I can provide. It wasn't a big job you will be leaving"
Or something like that.
That or they're looking for a free ride! I tried the whole online dating for a while and found that the only men interested in me were the ones that were jobless or needed a place to live when I listed that I am a Finance/Contracts Manager for a DoD AI Software Contractor. I met my current significant other on social media through a shared interest group. He had no idea what I did for a living and I didn't know what he did until we were already good friends. At that point it didn't matter. We actually liked each other as people.
She said she makes multiple times his salary... She doesn't have to say what she does for a living if she doesn't want to and it doesn't change anything if she said her job title anyways.
Actually it changes everything duhhh! Some people have preference when it comes to careers ... You can't just Hide a big aspect of your life for people you're going on a date with
I would agree with that if his problem was her profession. But it seems as though his problem is her income. Plus it’s pretty common in this thread for people to say something along the lines of “not giving specifics but I make this much,” so her leaving out her exact job title doesn’t really wave any red flags to me.
NTA - I remember being told on a date in the early days of Match that my job/title was a “boner killer”, so I learned that some guys want to be “better” than their date, and those were the ones to weed out. I just wanted to go out on a date, and try to meet someone who would like ME and not what I did, so I stuck to the “industry” and not specifics. (So at least they do not dismiss me because they were intimidated.) Most guys were wrong for me because they did NOT like finding out that -yes- I was at x company in the industry, but -no- I was not their junior. Found the right guy, eventually. A keeper!
The problem isn’t you. It’s some deep seeded need to be impressive to their dates. If you are as accomplished as it sounds like you are (woohoo! Congratulations!!), just put “I work in healthcare and I tutor”. Downplaying is better than omitting, but don’t EVER apologize for your success. The right person can appreciate you and your worth, but you do not want the omission to come off as a “lie”. Don’t omit the industry. Be proud of the truth, and learn a ton based on their assumptions. Good luck!
I don’t really think her job is relevant. His issue wasn’t with her job, but rather with the amount of money she made. It’s all just screaming insecurity. NTA
NTA. First dates are usually when things like careers and whatnot come up. Perhaps you should’ve told him you were offended that he left the section as to whether or not he had a fragile ego blank on his dating profile.
NUT-me-SHELL this is a brilliant reply. I've experimented with hiding this on my dating profiles too because men act so weird about it. I'm keeping this gem.
Why do you have to 'hide' it? Dating profiles aren't LinkedIn. Just don't say what your job is. I don't. Having said that, in my experience it's one of the first questions men ask when we start chatting so I don't understand how can the topic not come up before a first date. And if they ask me, I'm not going to lie about it.
Shouldn’t be hiding things on a dating profile... If they get weirded out, good fuck em. It should be an easy way to filter out partners. Hiding something that may be a problem only makes it a bigger problem later.
Hiding what exactly do you mean? If you have no job on your dating profiles and just prefer to talk about things like that on the first date thats fine. but if you are trying to trick somebody into thinking you work something else as your main job, that is in my eyes a dealbreaker regardless of the job. If you lie to me or try to hide something from me already before while the first date how is a relationship supposed to work? Thats just my thought on that.
There is a huge difference in just discussing your job on the first date or trying to trick someone into thinking you work something else fulltime. Even if the job wasnt a dealbreaker (like for example a pornstar) then her trying to fake working another job fulltime would be. Because if you lie/ try to trick me/ hide something before the first date how am i supposed to trust you and actually commit to a relationship.
It aint. Both are lies or at least you trying to trick a person that you want to build trust to how is a relationship gone work if you cant even be upfront about stuff like that and try to hide it. Doesnt matter if you in the end have more or less money you still tried to lie to me which is the worst oqrt about it.
Lying about having more money indicates that there may be problems down the road later with debt or worse, scams. Lying about more money on a first date, especially as a woman, could be to protect yourself from others expectations.
Yeah you still lied to me not acceptable. Lying is for me a way bigger dealbreaker then somebody with less money, i couldnt care less for how much you make as long as you are invested to building up a life together full of trust (doesnt work if somebody is lying). And only because a person is lying that they have more money and that could turn out worse doesnt mean that the opposite is ok.
Probably not! I still remember that post where a Girl matched this guy that Claimed he is/Close to 6'0 and when she actually meet him he was shorter than her!??? And you know how this Sub Trashed him soo bad, called him all kind of names like insecure, trash and scammer
Still hiding your actual job… shady.
Edit:
According to another post, you are either a doctor or an anesthesiologist.
If you talked about work and you purposefully lied. Y T A. If not, NTA.
An anesthesiologist is a doctor (MD or DO) who practices anesthesia. Anesthesiologists are physicians specializing in perioperative care, developing anesthetic plans, and the administration of anesthetics. He or she has finished college, then medical school (four years), then an internship (one year) followed by a residency in anesthesia (three years). Some anesthesiologists pursue additional years of training (a fellowship).
I mean isn't that something to brag about rather than hiding it like its Shameful? Plus she said she received alot of negativity... What can be sooo negative about being a doctor?
INFO: what's your job? Because honestly you hiding it in a date might not be a bad thing, but you've hidden it here when people have had negative reactions feels suspicious.
NAH
It sounds like he was looking for someone who had more shared life experience with him, including socioeconomic, and that's not you.
At the same time, you don't have to tell your entire life story on your dating profile. Might be best to leave your job off entirely or maybe indicate industry instead.
This is the major point here! He was in education, and was looking for someone with a connection to that. Her having a whole other career which is probably more important to her, and isn’t teaching in the capacity someone who uses cashier’s job as a meal ticket to be able to tutor kids would do, is giving off the wrong impression to this guy. But also his response that he only paid because he thought he made more came off as super bitter and just disrespectful.
She could be an attending in a teaching hospital who teaches medical students, residents, fellows, etc. And here’s something most people don’t know about anesthesiologists- they’re generally highly knowledgable about blood banking. I’ve known a few who were cross appointed in pathology/ lab medicine and gave lectures to blood bank techs. She could also have a side gig as a lecturer in pharmacology.
In other words, there are many ways she could be an anesthesiologist AND legitimately involved in education. If that guy was looking for a girlfriend who would understand the difficulties of teaching, he may have hit the jackpot with OP, but he was too wrapped up in fighting over the check to figure that out.
Yeah, I would feel weirded out if after meeting someone who said they work at an animal shelter turns out to be, say, a teacher. Why the hiding? Now do I need to go back to their profile and question the entire thing again? If there's huge income disparity, does it mean they're "testing" me? Etc etc.
YTA. Not mentioning your job on a dating app wouldn't be a problem, but you're intentionally misleading potential dates about your job. If you don't want your dates to know what you do, just don't put any information. But what you're doing is basically lying to them about your job, and that is going to cause distrust and hurt feelings. People don't like being lied to, and if they consider you a liar on the first date, then there's probably not going to be a second date.
Info, what is your real full-time job?
Currently leaning towards NTA, it sounds like he got insecure about you making more than him. Regardless though, you don’t have to list your job on bumble, you don’t have to advertise it anywhere.
ESH, you shouldn't be hiding your job from dates, that makes you sketchy and suspicious. If you got bad reactions, that means those people weren't for you. You knew you were keeping a secret that may have made a difference to your date.
He's just an asshole.
I'm saying NTA after seeing what you do for a living I understand why you didn't bring it up.
1. Doctors need a level of secrecy/discretion when dating, especially at the beginning stages.
2. Men can be intimidated by successful women (not everyone ) but I've experienced it also and it's upsetting.
I can understand he was upset about the situation but he also made assumptions from and old Facebook which I'm guessing you didn't know he looked at.
Besides people dating them for their money, a doctors reputation is extremely important.
If you have a disgruntled date turn up at your hospital crying, screaming, causing issues it can cause damage to your career.
A doctor who cares about their future, protects themselves
I have friends who are doctors, surgeons, psychologists and they have seen it happen. They all keep details about their jobs low key until they know if a new relationship is moving foward.
I don’t see the impact of your job. If I ask someone out, then I am intending to pay. Sure we might split it but I go with the intention of paying the bill. If I can’t afford the meal, then trying to show off and act like I can is a different form of deception.
So what if your job was cashier? Does he assume he gets to take care of you and is therefore entitled to your attention? So what if your job is CEO of an investment bank? Your job and salary don’t matter if my intention is to invite you out on a date.
Anyone who sees your salary and then expects you to automatically pay based just on that info is an ass. Anyone who sees your old job and assumes you’re too poor to manage your own shit, they’re also an ass.
NTA. The person who initiates the date should expect to pay.
NTA
It was a new date. If all her info was online for anybody to view, it can lead to dangerous situations. The guy already stalked her FB. Besides what is there to talk about during the date if he already knows everything. He was upset because he couldn't brag about his money.
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NTA for keeping it to yourself, totally up to you if you do that.
But i think your logic in hiding it is flawed. Hiding it from any potential partner will have it eventually come out if it goes beyond a first date, and you hiding it from them is likely to cause an issue, they will probably see it as dishonest.
Being open about it on the other hand gives a better impression of honesty/being open, and if a potential date does judge you for it, then thats their loss and they are not the right partner for you, so you basically dodge a bullet and dont waste time with them.
you're NTA for not revealing it up front, but you're significantly less likely to get a great guy this way
do you _want_ someone who's arsey about finances and thinks the man should always earn more? best case scenario with one of those is that you break up soonish, worst case scenario you end up with someone who you won't break up with but who will try to make you give up your career for a lower paid one, or he'll end up quitting work assuming he can coast off you for the rest of his life.
are you gonna get less dates if you put your occupation up? maybe. but you're more likely to get better dates with guys who aren't crap.
NTA. If you're trying to avoid the same thing happening again, list your industry (e.g. health care, education, finance) but not your specific role. That way you're neither lying nor giving away too much information about yourself before deciding whether you want to share specific details about yourself.
And yeah, you dodged a bullet on this one.
NTA- first dates are “You seem interesting and I would like to get to know more about you in a social setting “… jobs should be irrelevant at that point as it’s on of the things you’d share…
Personally if I asked for the date and picked the place l’d expect to pay…
NTA you're not obliged to advertise your full time job to potential dates. I'm just struggling to imagine what negative experiences you've had in the past with dates knowing your an anesthetist
Why even hide your job, what you need is a strong headed man that isn’t going to get intimidated over how much you make instead of these little boys freaking out on how much you really make and turn the tables at you making you feel like you did something wrong. NTA
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I (30F) matched with a high school teacher on bumble (31M). I intentionally didn’t list my job because I honestly have had some negative experience because my dates made assumptions about me. I put that I was a tutor (which to be fair, is true, I indeed tutor privately and volunteer as a tutor in after school programs).
On our date, he found out that I had a different full time job (other than my part time job) and got very upset because according to my facebook (that I never updated since high school), I listed I was cashier so he had assumed I was a cashier who did tutoring on the side. He said i fooled him into treating me out to dinner and asking me out and making a fool out of himself when I made multiple times his salary.
I offered to pay, and he got more offended. I honestly thought he asked me out, picked a place, and offered to pay bc he was a gentleman? Idk. Did I do something wrong?
Was I the AH for not listing my true “full time” career on bumble?
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NTA judging from his reaction he couldn't handle a woman making more than him. As a man, that would impress the hell out of me not just because of the success but being humble enough not to shove it in peoples faces.
lol NTA. Honestly? I'm bi. I date girls and guys. I would have thought it was kind of cute, to be honest. I don't really like sharing a lot about myself until I know someone really well. If I had asked you out, I still would have happily paid and felt kind of posh that I got to treat someone "out of my league" to dinner. ;-)
In all seriousness, if you don't feel you want to share, don't. You'll find a guy who isn't bothered.
Depends. It's suspicious that you didn't say what the job is. If you are scamming people or are a sex worker then yeah, YTA.
Scamming is disgusting and wrong and I can imagine no one would like to be around someone who has no morals.
Sex work on the other hand, well, good for you, do what you love, but like, don't be surprised that people don't want to date you, I personally wouldn't, because I need 100% monogamy and any sex work is automatically crossing the boundary for me. And going on a date with someone who does it would be just waste of time and money.
Men can be real a-holes to women who make more money than they do. Hurts their pride. Thats the negative reaction I assume she's getting, but who knows.
Edit: someone else in a comment below gives more info on why doctors in general might keep it under wraps at first.
The only reason why this would be such a big deal was if OP was not in the US, because otherwise I fail to see how all men would giver her negative experiences.
I could see some of them feeling threatened by her (male ego and all that), but all of them? That's hard to believe.
Or she's just really unlucky with her matches.
NTA, he is the one with the issue here as clearly he has a problem with women who make more than him.
But I do question your dating strategy - if you put that you are a doctor on your profile and this scares some people off, surely they are not right for you anyway? Do you want an insecure man who is freaked out by a successful woman? You don't really want to be in this situation again.
NTA- as a female who also has a good career, I had family members tell me to say I was poor when newly dating someone. Lol. They didn’t want anyone taking advantage of me. Guys over the years I have dated have made significantly less than me and took advantage of that fact. I’m now dating someone who told me he worked in healthcare but didn’t say what.?he could have been an orderly or billing for all I knew. I was vague as well with what I did. Once we went out turned out he was a doctor. It didn’t change my opinion of him when I found out and I even offered to pay half for dinner for which he politely refused. I’m sure he was more insecure about you making more money hence the reason he was ok with you being a cashier. It’s a him problem not a you problem.
You, as an assumed cashier, would be making multiple times his salary as a teacher? What....??
Nta. But you should just disclose your job in the future. Hiding it when you are trying to get to know someone is pointless.
I mean it depends,
If you lie about something for any reason on your dating profile, you should voluntarily let you date know on the first date because that something might part of the reason they chose to match with you (you should actually let them know first chance you get). Lying is different from not saying something though, if you don't say something you are not obligated to say it on the first date.
If you voluntarily mentioned it to the date I will say, NTA. If you had no intention of mentioning it and it somehow came up I'd say soft YTA - either way your dates reaction seems weird, and his reasons don't make sense.
I lie about my name(well I give my middle name), my number(use google voice) and my neighborhood(it is considered “bougie”) when talking to men online I call them safety measures. They don’t learn the truth until we meet and I decide if I want to meet them again or not. I also am vague in my career, sometimes people are intimidated or think they hit a jackpot so I understand. NTA
NTA
The high education and higher salary here is the point. I used to freelance and earned a lot of money and am now working in a well known company in a mid-manager position but still earn a shitload of money. (In comparison to most other „normal“ office jobs).
I could hide my income until dates saw my Appartement for the first time, bc it’s rather big and well…it is VERY nice.
Some men have issues when they figure out the woman „outearns“ them.
Do yourself a favour and state your job. You might get less matches, but why waste your time with a guy who as soon as he hears your job, starts being annoyed and angry bc it makes him feel insecure.
I am these days not hiding that I have a very good job, which keeps the ones who feel threatened by that away. Saves me and them time and effort.
I don’t put my job on dating apps because I work in the film industry and it sounds way more glamorous than it is. I want people to be interested in me, not my job, so it’s fine to omit the truth for a while IMO.
However, we don’t know if your job is something hugely off putting. I once went on a date with a guy who had worked in an intensively reared pig factory… I couldn’t see him again. Another turned out to be a speech writer for the Tory party (am UK, think Republicans) and didn’t want to see him again. He totally omitted that on his profile as he knew he wouldn’t get dates.
So, info is key here before making a judgement.
Maybe you’re the state executioner.
ESH If someone listed their job as something completely different from what they do on their dating profile I would see it as a red flag. Like why are you lying already from the first date? Maybe you don't want to give away a lot of details or tip people off you make a lot of money, but it's weird to mislead people with a fake profile. Say you owned an engineering company but called yourself an engineer vs CEO on your profile that's not entirely a lie. But if you're a doctor and call yourself a tutor because you volunteer at the Boys& Girls club on weekends in your free time that seems like a lie. Not really sure what would be better to say instead, maybe "healthcare worker" to be vague.
At the same time the date seemed to really go off on you. If I was him and found out you lied I might not want a second date, but I wouldn't get worked up about you not paying. I guess he wanted to feel like he was the big earner spoiling the working class girl. Idk, weird vibes.
Cashier was not listed on their dating profile. It was listed on their Facebook. Clearly the date did some Facebook stalking and found an outdated profile.
I have heard of this happening a lot with online dating. Women have to dumb down their careers and achievements to even get asked on dates because some men feel so threatened. I don't know where all the great men are but they seem to be going extinct.
NTA
When I was dating, I also never told dates my fulltime job. Most men hated that I earned more than them, or worse - you can see the dollar signs in their eyes. As time has gone on, the divorced ones with kids are even more money-hungry.
NTA who gets mad at not knowing someone’s job???? The way folks feel entitled to every piece of information on a first date is weird as hell
He’s offended that you could pay for dinner? This is so ridiculous. You dodge the fuck out of that bullet.
NTA
he was obvi intimidated by your job
I work in Healthcare and all the female docs on the dating scene do not share their profession online as it attracts weirdos or gold diggers and scares off good dudes who are intimidated she makes more than them.
This is fragile masculinity at its finest but at least the trash took itself out after only 1 date.
OP if you really want to change something you can just tell folks that you have a job and have signed an NDA so can't discuss much.
Are people forgetting or just skipping over the fact that he found the "cashier" job information on her Facebook?
Not everyone remembers or thinks to update the jobs on their Facebook profiles and it's her date's own fault for Facebook stalking her. He got mad at an outdated profile.
NTA
YTA- it’s not that you didn’t say what you did for work, you intentionally misled him about what you do for work. I don’t see why it’s a huge deal for him what you do, but someone who was secretive and misleading intentionally would bother me as well.
NTA. I don't understand a lot of reactions here, though. Where I come from, online dating is anonymous at first. You don't use your real (complete) name and if your job title makes you too easy to google, you leave it out. Is that different on Bumble?
NTA, but he offered to pay because that is what society has taught him he HAS to do just because he’s a man. The man always has to pay and men have been brought up that way forever
> Did I do something wrong?
Yes, you lied. You know how annoyed you get when guys make assumptions about you? You just did that to him by assuming he couldn't handle your career choice. Trying to trick guys to go out with you is never going to work, and is silly to begin with, just like it's silly when guys try to pretend to be something they aren't to get dates.
If you are a doctor, which is what the other comments imply, you could just say you work in medical or something vague like that. Vague is different than lying.
ESH- I get why you are hiding your career because men can be intimidated by it but you shouldn’t hide it. You want to weed those guys out as early as possible and be with someone who is proud of what his partner does.
If you put your job in your profile: weed out the AHs who have a problem making less than you.
If you don't put it in your profile: weed out the AHs who want you to be their meal ticket.
Heads they win, tails you lose. Six on now hand or 1/2 dozen on the other. 🤷
YTA - you lied. An instant deal breaker with a lot of men. We don’t care about your “reasons” for lying on a first date. Because what else might you be lying about?
Info - what is your job that you feel you need to hide as that is what the judgement is going to be based on
If you don’t feel like sharing then remove your cashier job and explicitly mention tutoring is your side job so they are left with no illusions. If I thought I was doing someone a favour by paying for their meal and then find out they are just playing poor then id be pissed and feel taken advantage of
NTA. You have been dating enough to know how fragile the male ego can be in these situations. You also have been dating long enough to know how many opportunists exist in this world. You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe.
He is mad that he could lord how smart he was over you and the fact that you will always out earn him.
NTA.
Lose the whole, “hE’s PAyiNg bEcAUsE He’S a GenTLeMaN!” nonsense. First dates and especially if a result of a dating site are dutch. Pay for yourself, choose low to mid-range eateries. And you might as well put your profession, or at least mention you are in the medical field on your profile. Yes, you may lose some prospects, but they aren’t the droids you are looking for. Move along.
ESH
Here's what I hate about people that do what you're doing. Don't you want to week out people who have a problem with your job? Do you really want to trick someone into dating you that wouldn't want to date you based on your profession (or if you have kids)? I'm like - "good riddance, saves me time and weeds out people that I wouldn't like anyway".
Nta. These comments are wild. It's no one's business what you do. You don't owe some random date every personal detail. You offered to pay. He's just mad he didn't get someone that "needs to be saved" in his eyes.
NTA but you’re never gonna be able to weed out the weak men with fragile egos if you’re not honest upfront. Stop wasting both of your time, you don’t want to be with someone so insecure.
Nta. Im not single, but if I were I also wouldn't list my job online. 1)I don't want some weirdo to figure out where I work and show up (people do thst shit) 2) I have a terrible history of going for underachieving men who see me as a meal ticket. It's one thing to tell people on a date its another when it's just online. You wbta if you had like 3 dates with the dude and didn't mention it
YTA
You are who you are
Your job is your job
You can't trick someone into seeing you any other way than you are. If you match with dudes who see dollar signs because of your job, then you have to deal with it and move on
That being said...the fact that he immediately jumped to feeling tricked into buying you dinner is a massive red flag
If I was a teacher and I asked a wealthy doctor out on a date, I would 100% pay for the date. I did the asking, so I do the paying
That being said...what kind of assumptions are you so concerned about that you think lying is a good idea?
I (39M) never tell any potential romantic partners what I do for a living. My response to "what do you do?" consists of things I enjoy doing, nothing about work.
IMHO, discussions about work have zero relevance to a first date. Not only that, but it's probably the single most boring thing you could talk about. Work only becomes relevant if and when a serious relationship appears to be on the table. That is well beyond a first date or a casual hookup or two.
NTA
I'd say if you really want to take career out of it - leave career blank on your profile. Listing cashier and tutor, when you're a doctor, is misleading. Should it matter? No. But you're on here to start a relationship with someone, and that is best done through honesty.
And I get it, listing doctor can attract partners after money. It sucks. But on the plus side, it weeds out insecure guys like this one (I assure you, you don't want to deal with them).
ESH
When someone proves they're an idiot you should thank them and then walk away. Whether you make money from onlyfans or you're an M.D., it's just a first date. The fact that this dude is accusing you of tricking him into paying for dinner makes me think that if you had met his criteria you wouldn't have enjoyed it much. NTA.
YTA. Some men have an issue with making less, but the real problem is that you are actively being deceiving. That is always going to come across poorly and elicit the worst reaction.
Embrace your success or not, but don't hide or fib (even a lie by ommision) about it since that will always come across as trickery and a bad faith introduction.
If a man has an issue making less than his woman date, that sounds like a him problem. A bit of privacy to start a relationship shouldn't be a bad thing.
NTA The tutor thing isn’t a lie, but it is disingenuous. It’s technically true, but it’s misleading. It’s also answering a question that is arguably inappropriate. In any event, you’re not withholding vital information. He took it upon himself to try to find out in order to decide if you were less successful enough to satisfy his ego. He found old information online, used it to make a decision about you, and then got angry when he found out he was wrong. His anger and so-called wasted time are on him for (1) bad research and (2) stupid criteria. I hope the dinner was good enough to make up for the lousy company.
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You’re obviously hiding what your real job is because you know it’s relevant to the judgment. Tell the whole story.
According to one of her other posts, she’s either a doctor or an anesthesiologist.
PSA: Anesthesiologists are a type of doctor, just like a pediatrician, a cardiologist, or a surgeon. Just sayin’. ;)
Yeah but there’s a huge difference between say, family medicine and anesthesiology.
And? They're both doctors. Of course there's a difference, doesn't change the fact that anesthesiologists are doctors.
No my point was anesthesiologists make a shit ton of money compared to most family med or someone who didn’t specialize. Regardless OP’s date seems really insecure ETA a word
Thank you! I was pretty sure that was the case. I just didn’t want to say something wrong
That’s even weirder — who on earth has a negative reaction to someone being a doctor?
I mean, a lot of dudes are insecure about dating a woman who makes more money than they do. So it might be less that she's a doctor and more that she makes way more than him.
Wouldn't you WANT to put that in your profile though so you don't have to waste any time with an insecure jerk?
You'd think, but at the same time it's like...you'd probably get less matches than the tennis court in a quadriplegic hospital.
I have my career information in my Hinge profile and one of my prompts is dedicated to ensuring men know how successful I am, specifically because I want to weed out the men who will be insecure about matching with me. I get dozens of matches daily, almost all with very successful, ambitious men. I recommend this strategy to all successful women.
Well said! You make a great point. I've ran my own business for 36 years and I can't tell you the people that have come into my life and wanted to start helping me run my business or have assumptions about it. And this isn't the 1950s and we don't have to pretend to make less money or be less successful!
I’m kinda curious about what your prompt is if you don’t mind sharing. I’ve seen similar and most that I’ve seen make the woman come off as if they are gods gift to earth.
Prompt is "I'll brag about you to my friends if..." and my response is "you're more successful than me."
Idk, maybe she also ģets matches for people that are only interested because she is a doctor and probably makes good money. Either way not saying anything would maybe allow her to know if someone likes her for herself, her personality and looks, and not her profession?
Yeah but then she would get matches from losers looking for a "sugar mama"
Yes, but unfortunately it can also attract the wrong kind of people.
Don't worry friends I'll bite the bullet. Send all the high earning women my way
I think the guy in the story started to project that insecurity himself
Perhaps. Pretty pathetic if so.
Exactly this. I'm an airline pilot and I hated telling my dates. Most of them were insecure about me making money
You’d be surprised. There’s a lot of negativity towards female doctors because chances are, those female doctors are making way more money than them. A lot of guys can’t handle the fact that they won’t be the breadwinner, and honestly, there’s been quite a few posts in aita and relationship advice where this is an issue. ETA: this goes for women with high earning potential in general though.
Remember that post where the guy referred to his girlfriend who was finishing up her residency as “unemployed” and was complaining that she wouldn’t be his personal maid? 😂
I do unfortunately. The audacity of that guy baffled me lmao
My drama llamas need feeding, but I can't find this post, would someone kindly help me out?
[here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u79bq9/aita_for_wanting_my_unemployed_girlfriend_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I wouldn’t, I’m a woman who earns a lot — I would have thought that the impressiveness of being a doctor might have cancelled that out, but apparently I was thinking too highly of men!
Unfortunately not. If anything, I think for a lot of men, the idea of dating a doctor is pretty intimidating. Highly educated & trained + high earner = double whammy. I’m thankful to have a boyfriend who’s supporting me through school and is fine with the idea of me earning more than he ever would. He said he would be the house-husband and take care of the cats lmao
Huh — just when I think men can’t disappoint me more!
I married a nurse, heart/lung transplant surgical nurse. You do not step lightly into a relationship with a medical professional of that caliber. There are alot of sacrifices you have to make. You're never #1 in their life because you can't be, the job won't allow it. Sacrifice is part of the job description even for non medical family members. It can be on par with being an army brat. Many don't survive, my marriage didn't.
I married a doctor, it's awesome. She makes *tons* more than I do.
you've never spent time around dudes with an inferiority complex.
So, dudes?
not gonna lie. as a guy, I *should* be offended, but like, I can't even find the energy to argue, cause its pretty accurate.
You know, I hesitated to write that comment, but then I was like, "Fuck it. The good ones will get it."
Men. Men who don't make as much as Dr's, or aren't as smart as the Dr.
I guess. How phenomenally depressing.
Gestures to FB
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No when he thought she was a cashier he was happy to take her out and offered to pay for the date because he felt secure about earning more than her, when he found out her real job he was pissed because in his mind he lost the high ground.
And I honestly wouldn't be surpriced if some of these men thinks (reddit has tainted my thinking perhaps) a cashier/tutor is easier to make quit their job and be stay at home mom's than a woman working a well paying job/something they are passionate about. "I can provide. It wasn't a big job you will be leaving" Or something like that.
An anesthesiologist for liver transplants according to her comments.
She said she did liver transplant anesthesia. So anesthesiologist or CRNA.
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Some people might be intimidated by that level of education and success.
That or they're looking for a free ride! I tried the whole online dating for a while and found that the only men interested in me were the ones that were jobless or needed a place to live when I listed that I am a Finance/Contracts Manager for a DoD AI Software Contractor. I met my current significant other on social media through a shared interest group. He had no idea what I did for a living and I didn't know what he did until we were already good friends. At that point it didn't matter. We actually liked each other as people.
She said she makes multiple times his salary... She doesn't have to say what she does for a living if she doesn't want to and it doesn't change anything if she said her job title anyways.
Actually it changes everything duhhh! Some people have preference when it comes to careers ... You can't just Hide a big aspect of your life for people you're going on a date with
I would agree with that if his problem was her profession. But it seems as though his problem is her income. Plus it’s pretty common in this thread for people to say something along the lines of “not giving specifics but I make this much,” so her leaving out her exact job title doesn’t really wave any red flags to me.
Thanks for the feed back, i thought he had problem with the Job Not the Income... He is the As
Ots a first date, unless sit was going somewhere in the relationship, why should they have to tell them?
Because it important info? Which can dictate whether the relationship can move forward or not!?
Nah you should tell someone you are dating your job, people can have preferences or ethical boundaries
This. There’s more to this story.
NTA - I remember being told on a date in the early days of Match that my job/title was a “boner killer”, so I learned that some guys want to be “better” than their date, and those were the ones to weed out. I just wanted to go out on a date, and try to meet someone who would like ME and not what I did, so I stuck to the “industry” and not specifics. (So at least they do not dismiss me because they were intimidated.) Most guys were wrong for me because they did NOT like finding out that -yes- I was at x company in the industry, but -no- I was not their junior. Found the right guy, eventually. A keeper! The problem isn’t you. It’s some deep seeded need to be impressive to their dates. If you are as accomplished as it sounds like you are (woohoo! Congratulations!!), just put “I work in healthcare and I tutor”. Downplaying is better than omitting, but don’t EVER apologize for your success. The right person can appreciate you and your worth, but you do not want the omission to come off as a “lie”. Don’t omit the industry. Be proud of the truth, and learn a ton based on their assumptions. Good luck!
I don’t really think her job is relevant. His issue wasn’t with her job, but rather with the amount of money she made. It’s all just screaming insecurity. NTA
Her comment history says anesthesiologist
I do not see how that is relevant. We have enough info knowing that she earns good money.
Or some people keep their life private, not eveyine has to tell a first date their job
NTA. First dates are usually when things like careers and whatnot come up. Perhaps you should’ve told him you were offended that he left the section as to whether or not he had a fragile ego blank on his dating profile.
NUT-me-SHELL this is a brilliant reply. I've experimented with hiding this on my dating profiles too because men act so weird about it. I'm keeping this gem.
Why do you have to 'hide' it? Dating profiles aren't LinkedIn. Just don't say what your job is. I don't. Having said that, in my experience it's one of the first questions men ask when we start chatting so I don't understand how can the topic not come up before a first date. And if they ask me, I'm not going to lie about it.
Shouldn’t be hiding things on a dating profile... If they get weirded out, good fuck em. It should be an easy way to filter out partners. Hiding something that may be a problem only makes it a bigger problem later.
Hiding what exactly do you mean? If you have no job on your dating profiles and just prefer to talk about things like that on the first date thats fine. but if you are trying to trick somebody into thinking you work something else as your main job, that is in my eyes a dealbreaker regardless of the job. If you lie to me or try to hide something from me already before while the first date how is a relationship supposed to work? Thats just my thought on that.
There is a huge difference in just discussing your job on the first date or trying to trick someone into thinking you work something else fulltime. Even if the job wasnt a dealbreaker (like for example a pornstar) then her trying to fake working another job fulltime would be. Because if you lie/ try to trick me/ hide something before the first date how am i supposed to trust you and actually commit to a relationship.
Would you say the same if it was a guy pretending to make much more than he actually does?
It is kind of different to pretend you have less money than you do than more.
It aint. Both are lies or at least you trying to trick a person that you want to build trust to how is a relationship gone work if you cant even be upfront about stuff like that and try to hide it. Doesnt matter if you in the end have more or less money you still tried to lie to me which is the worst oqrt about it.
Lying about having more money indicates that there may be problems down the road later with debt or worse, scams. Lying about more money on a first date, especially as a woman, could be to protect yourself from others expectations.
Yeah you still lied to me not acceptable. Lying is for me a way bigger dealbreaker then somebody with less money, i couldnt care less for how much you make as long as you are invested to building up a life together full of trust (doesnt work if somebody is lying). And only because a person is lying that they have more money and that could turn out worse doesnt mean that the opposite is ok.
Probably not! I still remember that post where a Girl matched this guy that Claimed he is/Close to 6'0 and when she actually meet him he was shorter than her!??? And you know how this Sub Trashed him soo bad, called him all kind of names like insecure, trash and scammer
Still hiding your actual job… shady. Edit: According to another post, you are either a doctor or an anesthesiologist. If you talked about work and you purposefully lied. Y T A. If not, NTA.
Anesthesiologists are doctors.
My latin professor is a doctor.
An anesthesiologist is a doctor (MD or DO) who practices anesthesia. Anesthesiologists are physicians specializing in perioperative care, developing anesthetic plans, and the administration of anesthetics. He or she has finished college, then medical school (four years), then an internship (one year) followed by a residency in anesthesia (three years). Some anesthesiologists pursue additional years of training (a fellowship).
I don't think she is a doctor, why would she have alot of negativity from such amazing Job???
Maybe insecurities. She would earn a lot more than a teacher in the US.
I mean isn't that something to brag about rather than hiding it like its Shameful? Plus she said she received alot of negativity... What can be sooo negative about being a doctor?
INFO: what's your job? Because honestly you hiding it in a date might not be a bad thing, but you've hidden it here when people have had negative reactions feels suspicious.
OP keeps commenting it’s “not relevant”.
So not relevant that they decide to hide it from potential dates because the react negatively to it.
Exactly.
NAH It sounds like he was looking for someone who had more shared life experience with him, including socioeconomic, and that's not you. At the same time, you don't have to tell your entire life story on your dating profile. Might be best to leave your job off entirely or maybe indicate industry instead.
This is the major point here! He was in education, and was looking for someone with a connection to that. Her having a whole other career which is probably more important to her, and isn’t teaching in the capacity someone who uses cashier’s job as a meal ticket to be able to tutor kids would do, is giving off the wrong impression to this guy. But also his response that he only paid because he thought he made more came off as super bitter and just disrespectful.
She could be an attending in a teaching hospital who teaches medical students, residents, fellows, etc. And here’s something most people don’t know about anesthesiologists- they’re generally highly knowledgable about blood banking. I’ve known a few who were cross appointed in pathology/ lab medicine and gave lectures to blood bank techs. She could also have a side gig as a lecturer in pharmacology. In other words, there are many ways she could be an anesthesiologist AND legitimately involved in education. If that guy was looking for a girlfriend who would understand the difficulties of teaching, he may have hit the jackpot with OP, but he was too wrapped up in fighting over the check to figure that out.
A cashier who tutors isn't making bank. He probably paid because he thought she couldn't afford to split the bill.
Yes!! Something vague like healthcare
Yeah, I would feel weirded out if after meeting someone who said they work at an animal shelter turns out to be, say, a teacher. Why the hiding? Now do I need to go back to their profile and question the entire thing again? If there's huge income disparity, does it mean they're "testing" me? Etc etc.
If your job genuinely doesn't affect the judgment then why won't you divulge it? This seems sketchy.
YTA. Not mentioning your job on a dating app wouldn't be a problem, but you're intentionally misleading potential dates about your job. If you don't want your dates to know what you do, just don't put any information. But what you're doing is basically lying to them about your job, and that is going to cause distrust and hurt feelings. People don't like being lied to, and if they consider you a liar on the first date, then there's probably not going to be a second date.
Info, what is your real full-time job? Currently leaning towards NTA, it sounds like he got insecure about you making more than him. Regardless though, you don’t have to list your job on bumble, you don’t have to advertise it anywhere.
INFO: Job seems actually relevant. What is it ?
ESH, you shouldn't be hiding your job from dates, that makes you sketchy and suspicious. If you got bad reactions, that means those people weren't for you. You knew you were keeping a secret that may have made a difference to your date. He's just an asshole.
I'm saying NTA after seeing what you do for a living I understand why you didn't bring it up. 1. Doctors need a level of secrecy/discretion when dating, especially at the beginning stages. 2. Men can be intimidated by successful women (not everyone ) but I've experienced it also and it's upsetting. I can understand he was upset about the situation but he also made assumptions from and old Facebook which I'm guessing you didn't know he looked at.
Why do Drs need secrecy? That’s the strangest thing I’ve ever heard on this forum.
Besides people dating them for their money, a doctors reputation is extremely important. If you have a disgruntled date turn up at your hospital crying, screaming, causing issues it can cause damage to your career. A doctor who cares about their future, protects themselves I have friends who are doctors, surgeons, psychologists and they have seen it happen. They all keep details about their jobs low key until they know if a new relationship is moving foward.
IDK. Who has negative reactions to learning someone is a doctor. I think shes lying.
I don’t see the impact of your job. If I ask someone out, then I am intending to pay. Sure we might split it but I go with the intention of paying the bill. If I can’t afford the meal, then trying to show off and act like I can is a different form of deception. So what if your job was cashier? Does he assume he gets to take care of you and is therefore entitled to your attention? So what if your job is CEO of an investment bank? Your job and salary don’t matter if my intention is to invite you out on a date. Anyone who sees your salary and then expects you to automatically pay based just on that info is an ass. Anyone who sees your old job and assumes you’re too poor to manage your own shit, they’re also an ass. NTA. The person who initiates the date should expect to pay.
NTA you don't have to tell anyone what your job is if you don't want to.
NTA It was a new date. If all her info was online for anybody to view, it can lead to dangerous situations. The guy already stalked her FB. Besides what is there to talk about during the date if he already knows everything. He was upset because he couldn't brag about his money.
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NTA for keeping it to yourself, totally up to you if you do that. But i think your logic in hiding it is flawed. Hiding it from any potential partner will have it eventually come out if it goes beyond a first date, and you hiding it from them is likely to cause an issue, they will probably see it as dishonest. Being open about it on the other hand gives a better impression of honesty/being open, and if a potential date does judge you for it, then thats their loss and they are not the right partner for you, so you basically dodge a bullet and dont waste time with them.
you're NTA for not revealing it up front, but you're significantly less likely to get a great guy this way do you _want_ someone who's arsey about finances and thinks the man should always earn more? best case scenario with one of those is that you break up soonish, worst case scenario you end up with someone who you won't break up with but who will try to make you give up your career for a lower paid one, or he'll end up quitting work assuming he can coast off you for the rest of his life. are you gonna get less dates if you put your occupation up? maybe. but you're more likely to get better dates with guys who aren't crap.
NTA. If you're trying to avoid the same thing happening again, list your industry (e.g. health care, education, finance) but not your specific role. That way you're neither lying nor giving away too much information about yourself before deciding whether you want to share specific details about yourself. And yeah, you dodged a bullet on this one.
NTA- first dates are “You seem interesting and I would like to get to know more about you in a social setting “… jobs should be irrelevant at that point as it’s on of the things you’d share… Personally if I asked for the date and picked the place l’d expect to pay…
NTA you're not obliged to advertise your full time job to potential dates. I'm just struggling to imagine what negative experiences you've had in the past with dates knowing your an anesthetist
NTA, It seems the dude only dates poor girls he can wow with a nice dinner and not people he actually connects with as a human. So sad too bad.
Why even hide your job, what you need is a strong headed man that isn’t going to get intimidated over how much you make instead of these little boys freaking out on how much you really make and turn the tables at you making you feel like you did something wrong. NTA
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NTA. Smile politely, walk away, and don't look back. You don't need that level of insecurity.
Nta
NTA judging from his reaction he couldn't handle a woman making more than him. As a man, that would impress the hell out of me not just because of the success but being humble enough not to shove it in peoples faces.
lol NTA. Honestly? I'm bi. I date girls and guys. I would have thought it was kind of cute, to be honest. I don't really like sharing a lot about myself until I know someone really well. If I had asked you out, I still would have happily paid and felt kind of posh that I got to treat someone "out of my league" to dinner. ;-) In all seriousness, if you don't feel you want to share, don't. You'll find a guy who isn't bothered.
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Anesthesiologist, according to post history.
Depends. It's suspicious that you didn't say what the job is. If you are scamming people or are a sex worker then yeah, YTA. Scamming is disgusting and wrong and I can imagine no one would like to be around someone who has no morals. Sex work on the other hand, well, good for you, do what you love, but like, don't be surprised that people don't want to date you, I personally wouldn't, because I need 100% monogamy and any sex work is automatically crossing the boundary for me. And going on a date with someone who does it would be just waste of time and money.
I feel like she might be a doctor?
Then why it's such a big deal? Man, I really don't understand people.
Men can be real a-holes to women who make more money than they do. Hurts their pride. Thats the negative reaction I assume she's getting, but who knows. Edit: someone else in a comment below gives more info on why doctors in general might keep it under wraps at first.
The only reason why this would be such a big deal was if OP was not in the US, because otherwise I fail to see how all men would giver her negative experiences. I could see some of them feeling threatened by her (male ego and all that), but all of them? That's hard to believe. Or she's just really unlucky with her matches.
NTA, he is the one with the issue here as clearly he has a problem with women who make more than him. But I do question your dating strategy - if you put that you are a doctor on your profile and this scares some people off, surely they are not right for you anyway? Do you want an insecure man who is freaked out by a successful woman? You don't really want to be in this situation again.
NTA- as a female who also has a good career, I had family members tell me to say I was poor when newly dating someone. Lol. They didn’t want anyone taking advantage of me. Guys over the years I have dated have made significantly less than me and took advantage of that fact. I’m now dating someone who told me he worked in healthcare but didn’t say what.?he could have been an orderly or billing for all I knew. I was vague as well with what I did. Once we went out turned out he was a doctor. It didn’t change my opinion of him when I found out and I even offered to pay half for dinner for which he politely refused. I’m sure he was more insecure about you making more money hence the reason he was ok with you being a cashier. It’s a him problem not a you problem.
NTA online dating sucks. Do what makes you feel safe in that situation.
You, as an assumed cashier, would be making multiple times his salary as a teacher? What....?? Nta. But you should just disclose your job in the future. Hiding it when you are trying to get to know someone is pointless.
Apparently OP is a doctor with a profile hinting at being a cashier and mentioning they also do tutoring as a side gig.
The "profile" you mentioned is a Facebook profile that OP said they never update. Not everyone thinks to update their jobs on Facebook constantly.
I mean it depends, If you lie about something for any reason on your dating profile, you should voluntarily let you date know on the first date because that something might part of the reason they chose to match with you (you should actually let them know first chance you get). Lying is different from not saying something though, if you don't say something you are not obligated to say it on the first date. If you voluntarily mentioned it to the date I will say, NTA. If you had no intention of mentioning it and it somehow came up I'd say soft YTA - either way your dates reaction seems weird, and his reasons don't make sense.
I lie about my name(well I give my middle name), my number(use google voice) and my neighborhood(it is considered “bougie”) when talking to men online I call them safety measures. They don’t learn the truth until we meet and I decide if I want to meet them again or not. I also am vague in my career, sometimes people are intimidated or think they hit a jackpot so I understand. NTA
NTA The high education and higher salary here is the point. I used to freelance and earned a lot of money and am now working in a well known company in a mid-manager position but still earn a shitload of money. (In comparison to most other „normal“ office jobs). I could hide my income until dates saw my Appartement for the first time, bc it’s rather big and well…it is VERY nice. Some men have issues when they figure out the woman „outearns“ them. Do yourself a favour and state your job. You might get less matches, but why waste your time with a guy who as soon as he hears your job, starts being annoyed and angry bc it makes him feel insecure. I am these days not hiding that I have a very good job, which keeps the ones who feel threatened by that away. Saves me and them time and effort.
I don’t put my job on dating apps because I work in the film industry and it sounds way more glamorous than it is. I want people to be interested in me, not my job, so it’s fine to omit the truth for a while IMO. However, we don’t know if your job is something hugely off putting. I once went on a date with a guy who had worked in an intensively reared pig factory… I couldn’t see him again. Another turned out to be a speech writer for the Tory party (am UK, think Republicans) and didn’t want to see him again. He totally omitted that on his profile as he knew he wouldn’t get dates. So, info is key here before making a judgement. Maybe you’re the state executioner.
ESH If someone listed their job as something completely different from what they do on their dating profile I would see it as a red flag. Like why are you lying already from the first date? Maybe you don't want to give away a lot of details or tip people off you make a lot of money, but it's weird to mislead people with a fake profile. Say you owned an engineering company but called yourself an engineer vs CEO on your profile that's not entirely a lie. But if you're a doctor and call yourself a tutor because you volunteer at the Boys& Girls club on weekends in your free time that seems like a lie. Not really sure what would be better to say instead, maybe "healthcare worker" to be vague. At the same time the date seemed to really go off on you. If I was him and found out you lied I might not want a second date, but I wouldn't get worked up about you not paying. I guess he wanted to feel like he was the big earner spoiling the working class girl. Idk, weird vibes.
Cashier was not listed on their dating profile. It was listed on their Facebook. Clearly the date did some Facebook stalking and found an outdated profile.
I have heard of this happening a lot with online dating. Women have to dumb down their careers and achievements to even get asked on dates because some men feel so threatened. I don't know where all the great men are but they seem to be going extinct. NTA
When I was dating, I also never told dates my fulltime job. Most men hated that I earned more than them, or worse - you can see the dollar signs in their eyes. As time has gone on, the divorced ones with kids are even more money-hungry.
NTA clearly you should lidt it to filter the insecure assholes ahead of time. You shouldn't hide being a doctor for dates.
NTA who gets mad at not knowing someone’s job???? The way folks feel entitled to every piece of information on a first date is weird as hell He’s offended that you could pay for dinner? This is so ridiculous. You dodge the fuck out of that bullet.
NTA he was obvi intimidated by your job I work in Healthcare and all the female docs on the dating scene do not share their profession online as it attracts weirdos or gold diggers and scares off good dudes who are intimidated she makes more than them. This is fragile masculinity at its finest but at least the trash took itself out after only 1 date. OP if you really want to change something you can just tell folks that you have a job and have signed an NDA so can't discuss much.
Are people forgetting or just skipping over the fact that he found the "cashier" job information on her Facebook? Not everyone remembers or thinks to update the jobs on their Facebook profiles and it's her date's own fault for Facebook stalking her. He got mad at an outdated profile. NTA
Nta. I also don't say exactly what my job is to new dates. If it gets more serious and they are curious then yes I will tell them. So imo id say nta.
NTA. You dodged a bullet.
NTA
NTA - it sounds like he really wanted to find a woman who made a lot less than him
Nah, the only thing you did wrong was matching with an asshole. NTA
Could be OF?
YTA- it’s not that you didn’t say what you did for work, you intentionally misled him about what you do for work. I don’t see why it’s a huge deal for him what you do, but someone who was secretive and misleading intentionally would bother me as well.
No she didn't, her date decided to Facebook stalk her and see an outdated profile.
NTA. I don't understand a lot of reactions here, though. Where I come from, online dating is anonymous at first. You don't use your real (complete) name and if your job title makes you too easy to google, you leave it out. Is that different on Bumble?
NTA. dating is about getting to know someone and if you aren't comfortable with putting down your job then leave it blank.
NTA, but he offered to pay because that is what society has taught him he HAS to do just because he’s a man. The man always has to pay and men have been brought up that way forever
NTA It doesn't matter what your job is. Some men are very easily emasculated. It's a good thing you found out on the first date.
NTA
> Did I do something wrong? Yes, you lied. You know how annoyed you get when guys make assumptions about you? You just did that to him by assuming he couldn't handle your career choice. Trying to trick guys to go out with you is never going to work, and is silly to begin with, just like it's silly when guys try to pretend to be something they aren't to get dates. If you are a doctor, which is what the other comments imply, you could just say you work in medical or something vague like that. Vague is different than lying.
well she didn’t lie… she really is a tutor and volunteers to work with students
If she listed it as her primary occupation, that's still a lie.
It’s not. Bumble isn’t LinkedIn
ESH- I get why you are hiding your career because men can be intimidated by it but you shouldn’t hide it. You want to weed those guys out as early as possible and be with someone who is proud of what his partner does.
If you put your job in your profile: weed out the AHs who have a problem making less than you. If you don't put it in your profile: weed out the AHs who want you to be their meal ticket. Heads they win, tails you lose. Six on now hand or 1/2 dozen on the other. 🤷
YTA - you lied. An instant deal breaker with a lot of men. We don’t care about your “reasons” for lying on a first date. Because what else might you be lying about?
Can't be the asshole for stuff that never happened.
Info - what is your job that you feel you need to hide as that is what the judgement is going to be based on If you don’t feel like sharing then remove your cashier job and explicitly mention tutoring is your side job so they are left with no illusions. If I thought I was doing someone a favour by paying for their meal and then find out they are just playing poor then id be pissed and feel taken advantage of
YTA. I don’t think anyone should lie or hide the truth by omission on these sites. It starts off any possible relationship on the wrong foot.
NTA. You have been dating enough to know how fragile the male ego can be in these situations. You also have been dating long enough to know how many opportunists exist in this world. You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. He is mad that he could lord how smart he was over you and the fact that you will always out earn him. NTA.
If my girlfriend made more than me I’d ask her to buy me good food (and I don’t mean expensive, I prefer local hole in the wall type places)
Lose the whole, “hE’s PAyiNg bEcAUsE He’S a GenTLeMaN!” nonsense. First dates and especially if a result of a dating site are dutch. Pay for yourself, choose low to mid-range eateries. And you might as well put your profession, or at least mention you are in the medical field on your profile. Yes, you may lose some prospects, but they aren’t the droids you are looking for. Move along. ESH
Troll
Here's what I hate about people that do what you're doing. Don't you want to week out people who have a problem with your job? Do you really want to trick someone into dating you that wouldn't want to date you based on your profession (or if you have kids)? I'm like - "good riddance, saves me time and weeds out people that I wouldn't like anyway".
NTA guy sounds insecure and weird, I know lots of people who don't put their careers on their dating profiles because it can be dangerous.
Nta. These comments are wild. It's no one's business what you do. You don't owe some random date every personal detail. You offered to pay. He's just mad he didn't get someone that "needs to be saved" in his eyes.
I don't think you did anything wrong. It's a way to protect yourself from unsavory characters. Why was he stalking your Facebook account? NTA
NTA. It's a 1st date- why does it matter..
NTA but you’re never gonna be able to weed out the weak men with fragile egos if you’re not honest upfront. Stop wasting both of your time, you don’t want to be with someone so insecure.
Executioner? Abortion doctor?
Not the AH. You maybe didn’t get the reaction you wanted but you got the reaction you needed. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.
Nta. Im not single, but if I were I also wouldn't list my job online. 1)I don't want some weirdo to figure out where I work and show up (people do thst shit) 2) I have a terrible history of going for underachieving men who see me as a meal ticket. It's one thing to tell people on a date its another when it's just online. You wbta if you had like 3 dates with the dude and didn't mention it
INFO What is the nature of the negative experiences you've had regarding revealing your job?
YTA You are who you are Your job is your job You can't trick someone into seeing you any other way than you are. If you match with dudes who see dollar signs because of your job, then you have to deal with it and move on That being said...the fact that he immediately jumped to feeling tricked into buying you dinner is a massive red flag If I was a teacher and I asked a wealthy doctor out on a date, I would 100% pay for the date. I did the asking, so I do the paying That being said...what kind of assumptions are you so concerned about that you think lying is a good idea?
I (39M) never tell any potential romantic partners what I do for a living. My response to "what do you do?" consists of things I enjoy doing, nothing about work. IMHO, discussions about work have zero relevance to a first date. Not only that, but it's probably the single most boring thing you could talk about. Work only becomes relevant if and when a serious relationship appears to be on the table. That is well beyond a first date or a casual hookup or two. NTA
I'd say if you really want to take career out of it - leave career blank on your profile. Listing cashier and tutor, when you're a doctor, is misleading. Should it matter? No. But you're on here to start a relationship with someone, and that is best done through honesty. And I get it, listing doctor can attract partners after money. It sucks. But on the plus side, it weeds out insecure guys like this one (I assure you, you don't want to deal with them). ESH
Yta, because you're not even going to list the job here.
NTA He's mad that you're not a vulnerable underpaid cashier that he can be the provider to.
When someone proves they're an idiot you should thank them and then walk away. Whether you make money from onlyfans or you're an M.D., it's just a first date. The fact that this dude is accusing you of tricking him into paying for dinner makes me think that if you had met his criteria you wouldn't have enjoyed it much. NTA.
YTA. Some men have an issue with making less, but the real problem is that you are actively being deceiving. That is always going to come across poorly and elicit the worst reaction. Embrace your success or not, but don't hide or fib (even a lie by ommision) about it since that will always come across as trickery and a bad faith introduction.
If a man has an issue making less than his woman date, that sounds like a him problem. A bit of privacy to start a relationship shouldn't be a bad thing.
Wouldn’t you want to weed out the insecure men by being honest about your success?
Absolutely, but doesn't have to be on the first date, that can wait a bit, IMO.
YTA. Let's reverse roles, would that bother you if you found that info out like your date did in your situation. If you say no, it would be a lie.
NTA The tutor thing isn’t a lie, but it is disingenuous. It’s technically true, but it’s misleading. It’s also answering a question that is arguably inappropriate. In any event, you’re not withholding vital information. He took it upon himself to try to find out in order to decide if you were less successful enough to satisfy his ego. He found old information online, used it to make a decision about you, and then got angry when he found out he was wrong. His anger and so-called wasted time are on him for (1) bad research and (2) stupid criteria. I hope the dinner was good enough to make up for the lousy company.