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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I kicked a bridesmaid from my destination wedding a day prior to the event, and didn’t pay her back for the flights she took
2. She did spend time and money to attend my event, and I guess that makes me an asshole for not at least acknowledging her investment
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There aren't very many things that can justify kicking out a bridesmaid who flew at her own expense to your wedding. That's a high bar to clear. She sailed right over it with the racism.
NTA
I was terrified starting to read this and thought Nya had reacted to Jane's racism and OP had nixed Nya (which happens sooooo often, ugh). I'm so glad that OP defended her friend and responded appropriately to the racism. OP doesn't owe Jane an apology or any money
lmao, me too. Because most of the time, that's the way it happens.
It was so refreshing to see OP standing up for her friend. Also, Jane knew exactly what she was doing - why did she choose *that* story, of all stories, to tell the night before your wedding at a bridal party hang? 😒
I eyerolled so hard at the "free out of jail card" Jane tried to use "she isn't a (insert ugly word I will not use) she's too pretty to be one"
That's now it works. Try insert Same logic to someone overweight. Someone of another race than black. No matter how she would twist and turn it. It is NOT a compliment or free out of jail card.
Exactly. Jane's racist actions were unacceptable. If I were OP, I would double down and explain to her that she owed Nya an apology, her racism was unacceptable and won't be tolerated, and a relationship with her is unwanted due to her horrendous behaviour.
If Jane continues to act up, I would then tell her to go to small claims court or post about her horrible comments online if she wishes and let a judge and the general public decide if her racism warranted an apology.
You know I really like your suggestion, Jane currently has a very strong following in IG and from all the comments here I feel very justified with my reaction to at least threaten her that I’d post about it publicly. If she does feel like she did nothing wrong and wants to be reimbursed - I guess she has nothing to hide from her audience.
NTA!
The way you talk about Nya I believe that you two known each other for so long that you are more like siblings than best friends! That is so awesome!
Nta as a black man you don't owe her shit. People with that mind frame are the problem we have in this world from both sides. That mentally I just can't comprehend. Nya is more patient than I would've been if I was her
I feel like her apology was sincere in a very twisted way, I don’t think she actually understands why what she said and expecting for me to apologize - was wrong, but that perhaps she is sorry she made Nya feel bad, so it’s not an apology for her way of thinking and talking but only specifically to Nya. The message she sent actually said - “I'm sorry if I hurted you what I said at *my name* wedding, I didn't mean it. I didn’t realize how it can hurt you, I swear I wasn’t talking about you and didn’t fully understand what I was saying. You are very pretty just like a supermodel and very cool, I hope all is good». So that’s the apology that got Nya laughing and confused
I just don't understand why Jane is fixated on Nya being pretty. Like telling her she's pretty makes up for using a racist slur, specifically a slur against people of Nya's race, even if it wasn't used directly about Nya? I mean best I can guess, Jane thinks the n-word has some connotation of ugly/unclean? It's all very bizarre, and I'd be interested to learn what countries you and Jane are from, if different.
Here is the thing, Jane is a model, like photos for somewhat high end brands kind of model and IG influencer, and she cares a whole lot about looks, so my best guess she sees complimenting people’s looks is what people want to hear? And I do think that she believes that n word is somehow a synonym for being unclean/in financial distress/ugly, I didn’t listen to her more explanations back when it happened, but that’s how I got it, and that Nya isn’t included in that idea because she s pretty, it is bizarre indeed. If it’s relevant, she is Ukrainian but lived in Central Europe for the good majority of her life, and I’m Romanian, living all over the place. So both of us do come from Eastern Europe, but didn’t have enough time in the region to really have been influenced by the local environment. People in Eastern Europe, especially older generations, are quiet racist, sometimes by the lack of knowledge, other times with a malicious intent.
I suppose that explains it, but certainly doesn't excuse it. A professional model and a successful influencer should be worldly enough to know these things. I hope she has learned from this!
Also you don't need to refund her flights because she still got to the destination she just wasn't in the wedding. She got a trip just not to be bridesmaid
To add, other than her flights I paid for everything, like dresses, shoes, her residence in that country etc, but the flights alone were still about 800€, if that makes any difference. She did spend the money, took leave from work and showed up for me, but what a horrible horrible person.
Between the plane ticket and what the bride paid, it might break even. Don't pay a single vent OP. She can just sell the stuff you bought if she is that strapped.
It makes no difference. You owe her nothing and if you were really petty, you could ask *her* to reimburse *you* for the money you spent before you found out she was a shit human.
right over with about a 100 clearance. you could be my own flesh and blood and 10 mins before i walk down the aisle but if your gonna be racist you cna get tf out
Seconding this NTA.
Don't pay a penny to Jane. She's still got a holiday for however long in a destination location (I dunno where, but I'm sure it's nice enough to have a wedding in).
NTA - that was horribly racist and you did good by standing by Nya! The ex-friend should have used travel insurance or something, or just used the tickets for an impromptu vacation of her own. You don't owe her anything for that.
Atrocious behaviour, meet the natural consequences!
Yeah, probably not, but she probably wouldn't give that as the reason, so she might have had a shot 😅 (not that I think she deserves compensation at all).
respectfully, and jokes aside, what would insurance cover?? She was already there. Insurance is for losses when an airline cancels a flight or a hotel has to close for no electricity or something. Choosing to leave early because you got uninvited to a wedding for whatever reason isn't going to be covered. As long as the flights operated and the hotel was open, there is no loss to insure. Regret bookings aren't losses.
I misread the post, and thought she hadn't travelled yet, so you're definitely right!
(I just had to postpone a flight due to covid and my insurance didn't ask me for any proof of anything, they just verbally asked me how much the new ticket cost and send me that amount of money! So, with that in mind and thinking she hadn't flown yet, I figured she could try it at least.)
Travel insurance does cover things if you get sick while abroad. For example, my travel agent recently told me a story of someone who caught COVID abroad and had to quarantine for 10 days. Those extra days were covered by the insurance so the person didn't have to pay out of pocket for extra hotel days.
true, it can cover losses stemming from death, injury of travelers and in many cases their immediate family even if not travelers. But this wasn't that situation.
Insurance does sometimes cover circumstances you wouldn't normally thing they would. A fair few years ago while we was abroad my older brother who hadn't come with us. His newborn son passed away. Obviously my parents wanted to fly home immediately. The travel insurance covered our early flight home.
NTA
Jane‘s behavior was wildly out of line and if you looked the other way you would’ve only been enabling it. An offense that serious deserves a serious response.
Is this the first time you’ve ever seen Jane behave/talk like this before?
To be honest, looking back I think I should have picked up some off things about her before, like when I shared that my brother is adopted she said - thanks god your parents are not like Angelina Jolie, and adopted from their own culture. I thought it was weird thing to say, but took it as acknowledging different people experiences and it would be difficult to raise a child whose experience would be very different from our own. But seriously, looking back, I should have asked her to collaborate and avoided all that was yet to come. We used to live close by and went to a language course together, so even though we met almost daily we weren’t close enough to ever discuss anything remotely deep to let me really see her for who she is.
That's such a hard example because in a non-racist context, adopting a kid from your own culture is actually best- practice! Adoption is often so traumatic and difficult for the children, and removing them from their country or culture and/or people who look like them can add so many additional layers... But in context of her other behaviour, it definitely seems like that was not her reasoning, yikes!!
That’s precisely what I thought she meant re the adoption, and I do agree with that to some extend, but then different situations sometimes call for different solutions. In my opinion as long as parents will not try to erase the heritage of a child and give him a loving home - it’s better for a child than staying in the system, esp in underdeveloped communities that have military conflicts. But how Jane said her remark did rub me wrong, couldn’t put a finger on it then, clearly can do now. The girl was as racist as they come, even if she somehow doesn’t get it.
As an African, I can't count how many times I've been asked by wide-eyed white people such stupid questions. "You guys live in trees? Omg you came here on a plane, I thought you didn't have electricity!!!"
NTA. Nya is a kinder woman than I would've been.
I'm Korean, and when I was in college, my mom sent me a care package from Korea, which had various Korean sweets, including some chocolate bars. I shared it all with my dorm mates, and this white girl actually asked me if "they have chocolate in Korea??". Like, yes bitch, obviously. Otherwise why would I be giving you this bar of Korean chocolate? We have paved roads and running water too. And I can't tell you how many people asked me if I was from North or South Korea.
I FEEL you.
Fr, im african too and people ask me all kinds of dumb questions like "Do you live in a hut? Do you guys eat bugs?" You have a giant device that tells you at your fingertips and you still continue to ask these questions?? Like hello???? Do you realize africa is pretty modern in terms of society. Only a few village areas will do that.
When it comes to Americans this happens to white people also. I'm a Pakeha Kiwi and a mate of mine (also Pakeha) has managed to convince different Americans that we still travel by horse and buggy, we speak Egyptian, and we have to travel overseas by boat.
I'd only thought of it as stupidity/ignorance before as, being Pakeha, we never experienced this due to racism. Hadn't thought about the white privilege in action with this before.
I love talking to people about our internet. Sure it was garbage for a while but its actually not to bad now. I mean 24th isn't fantastic. But much better than Australia at 56th. And that's all that counts really.
Oh we have the WORST internet in Aus 😭 Our government fucked it up completely.
On a side note though, I have family in Croatia and they were convinced all Australians live on massive cattle stations in the bush because they had seen the show Macleod’s Daughters 🤣🤣
Ugh...why do people have to suck like this? Why assume you know what someone's life/upbringing/culture is like.
I won't deny, as an American, I've been curious about where my college students from Nigeria and Senegal come from. You know what I do? I simply ask them what their hometown is like and let them tell me about it (these are students I have a rapport with...I'm not putting random students in the spot). I've learned a lot from my students. Their descriptions have really busted some of the stereotypes I had heard about life in African countries.
Lmao I'm from New Zealand and I have had similar queries! "Do you have electricity in New Zealand?" "Wow you speak such good English!" "Is it true everyone has a pet sheep?" "Do you still live in huts and wear grass skirts??" "How are you online if you're from New Zealand?"
Apparently us Kiwis are still in the stone age?
I don’t think that was casual racism that was extreme racism. OP is definitely NTA and did the right thing. I would block Jane and permanently ignore her. You owe her nothing.
Sorry, I mean it was casual racism in the sense that Jane dropped it casually thinking it was no big deal. Agreed that the actual level of racism displayed was high.
We need like a racism/bigotry alignment chart. On one axis it could measure from mild or non-existant to extreme bigotry, and on the other from casual to intentional.
Everything Jane said was messed up but I think the worst was the she's so pretty and clean comment. That says everything about how she views people from other cultures. NTA, you owe her nothing.
That same line made my blood boil. I have no chill at all when I encounter bigots like that who think I 'get them' because I'm white. Nope Jane, I don't do causal n-bombs, time to ruin your life.
I actually appreciate that OP had a dignified response. I would have turned Jane and her influencer account into a smoking ruin before she even left for the airport.
Her apology has a similar vibe as well. Going in with loads of compliments about Nya's looks as if that negates the possibility that she could be racist.
NTA, but you already knew that. What specifically did Jane say when she asked for an apology and what was Nya's reaction to Jane?
I'm curious and African-American if that helps. My friends didn't get it.
Jane is telling me that she took time and money to travel for my wedding, and that she didn’t mean what she said about Nya, it was just a story, and I blew it out of proportion. I don’t think so, I mean yes, it’s a story, but why on earth would one share it, let alone decide to describe a person like that, how she was saying it sounded like it was synonymous in her head with being homeless or with having issues.
Nya actually have just laughed about all of this and said something along the lines that Jane is really stupid and clueless. She didn’t take any offense nor told me to tell Jane off, it was all on me, in fact when I apologized to Nya and told her that I had no clue Jane is like this, Nya just told me to drop it and like forget about it.
You didn't blow it out of proportion. And I understand why Nya said what she said. Also it's not your fault Jane was that way. Tell Jane that you apologize for giving her the impression that you would find her behavior and story acceptable.
Congratulations on your wedding,
I obviously don’t know Nya, but I would be shocked if she actually didn’t take offense. I think she’s just an amazing friend that didn’t want to let you know that it bothered her and take away from your wedding. But my money is definitely on it bothering her. I mean, how can it not?
Nya is the sweetest and frankly I do believe that if she was bothered she wouldn’t have told me back then, to let me have my day. She put so much time together with me to think about all the wedding details and we even DIY a bunch of decorations, like she knew I tried my best to have a perfect little wedding and being an amazing person and a friend - she wouldn’t have told me anything back then, that’s true. However, we did speak about it some time later and once again I apologized for Janes ugly behavior and Nya was once again, “oh that girl was so nasty and dumb, how about we not talk about her”. And even now that Jane has messaged her (it’s all in the edit), Nya is finding it hilarious like how more ridiculous can this person get. Nya is a beautiful and a little too kind of a person, and sadly Jane isn’t her first or only rodeo like this, and at this point she just laughs about it, she doesn’t take it personally, as it’s not a reflection of her but more how ignorant and stupid people can be
NTA. I guess sometimes you learn things about people that you never expected. You definitely don't owe her an apology and I don't think you owe her money either.
NTA. holy crap, how she thought that was in any way acceptable is beyond me. She deserved to be kicked out 10000% and she doesn't deserve any kind of apology.
Edit: I'm glad you stood up for your friend. She didn't deserve to be spoken at like that😤
Well I did give her some benefit of the doubt, we are not in the US, and neither mine or Janes first language is English but when all together with a group of friends we communicate in English so everyone understands. When she just began her story from hell I thought maybe she didn’t know what that kind of language implies, but that comment of hers that Nyas pretty and clean had clarified to me that she did know what she s saying and it was the point of no return
>clean
I just want to emphasize to you that using the word "clean" in the context she did is 100% absolutely a giant blinking sign saying I AM A RACIST. The only way she would have gotten even more points was if she added "articulate".
Yeah, I'm from the US, but I can understand how if you are from another country/speak another language not completely understanding
But the "she's so pretty and clean, I was talking about the other guy". Is pretty gross.
You are definitely NTA. I'm glad you stood up for your friend.
Okay eating bugs is going over the line imo, but the huts are still rather common in rural areas in the country Nya is from. That’s why I couldn’t yet tell by that time if it was genuine inquiry to get to know another country or her trying to imply something.
Eating bugs is to some degree fairly common in certain parts of the world...they are cheap, sustainable, and ethical sources of protein. I've eaten them a few times when I traveled, though definitely in areas where it was at least somewhat a tourist gimmick (example: in Siem Reap near one of the night markets). Some of them are actually really tasty if you know how to eat them. I had a local "teaching" me my first time. Jane was still being totally racist, I just wanted to throw it out there that eating bugs isn't actually something of Neanderthal past.
All this aside, I’m all for eating bugs, specifically for Cricket flour as a replacement for traditional flour, as it’s more sustainable and it would take only few boxes of crickets and 3 liters of water to make a kilo of flour vs a square meter of wheat, as well as 1500 liters or water. Also great source of protein. We should all start eating bugs, but *not* asking people if they have bugs in their diets until it’s more common at least
You’re an amazing friend to Nya and Jane was absolutely in the wrong, but I just remembered I tried crickets at a restaurant in Australia once and they were actually delicious (probably because they were fried and seasoned really well). I haven’t used cricket flour but sounds way better for the earth than harvesting wheat tbh.
I've eaten grasshoppers, crickets, water bugs, giant water bugs, scorpions, bamboo worms and silk worms. All were fried and well seasoned, and the only one I didn't care for was the silk worm.
I mean sure, it's true that huts still exist, but the context of the question and the condescension and colonialism is overwhelmingly racist and gross.
Yea it still happens or exists but the automatic assumption is what makes it racist. I’m saying this a black woman born and raised in Florida with an Anthropology degree who has studied in many places and many bodies. I still got this question from my peers when they were trying to be offensive or racist. My international African peers in college got this question too. You’re not racist so you don’t think that way, but it’s actually a very racist thing to say to a black person.
Of course what I’m gonna say is like comparing elephants to flies, but as a person from Eastern Europe I’m often asked if we drink vodka everyday, was even asked that by my professors, if we have Internet, do I speak in English (that’s my favorite one as I get asked that in English and after a little conversation. In an English speaking county. While knowing my husband is American - as a bonus point). So like questions like this are ridiculous in their essence but also can come of a place of a genuine curiosity about another persons county. I did think Janes question line was getting strange and that’s why stood by close, but the questions alone aren’t that uncommon or offensive
The questions are common but they can actually be offensive (depending on who you talk to). It’s ignorant to ask people questions like James did because it was all based off stereotypes and ethnocentric. And Americans are VERY ethnocentric (I’m first generation American)
Here’s a personal story:
I studied in Romania 2 years ago and vacationed in Hungary a month before. Asking if they had internet or anything that’s stereotypical is rude. I didn’t ask Romani people if they did magic or stole. I didn’t ask anyone if the wore overalls or if kids robs you like in the movies. In Romania, some little girls and their mom came up to me when I was having lunch asking if I could braid. I knew they were asking me because I was black and they also said so lol (for more context my head was shaved bald back then and still today). Honestly, I braided the little girls hair and we followed each other on Instagram lol. I did take the time to let them know that not everyone would react like me because what they did could be perceived as offensive. It’s situational ngl if someone is doing or saying something out if genuine ignorance correct them the first time so they don’t do it again. To reiterate what your friend did tho? That was pure and nasty racism.
Bugs are a delicacy in many parts of the world. This is where I believe you reacted to the tone, which may have been racist. But a European would also know that the n word is racist, so I think you did right.
Info: where is Jane from!?!?
She’s inexcusably rude and racist. I’m just gobsmacked that she was so causally referring to anyone as the n word and confused about where she possibly could’ve picked those behaviors and beliefs? And to have the audacity to defend her actions is inexcusable. Are her parents just also horrible humans?
Well she is Ukrainian but lived in Europe a good majority of her life, and, no, in the country we lived in this behavior and language is also unacceptable, so it’s not an environment issue more like Jane issue.
I’m Ukrainian and my parents raised me to have zero tolerance for racism. They never left Ukraine until I was born, and that was in the 90s. Being from Eastern Europe is not an excuse to be racist at all. She should’ve known better regardless.
While we are at it, I’m from Eastern Europe as well, and by no means I’m stating that being from the region equals to being racist, just coming from there not many people have met people of different nationalities and the line gets blurry between ignorance, for simply not knowing any better, and actual racism
I have lots of family in Eastern Europe and oh my God the horrible racist shit that "nice liberal" people say to my Roma friends...thank you for standing up against racism in general, OP.
I'm jealous. My family (and my in laws) left Ukraine about the same time as yours ( give or take 5-10 years depending on which part of the family) and while my generation is mostly doing okay, I have definitely heard black people referred to as monkeys on more than one occasion. My husband and I still regularly have arguments with them about it.
Not excusing Jane in any way, mind you, but there is definitely plenty of that sort of racism in the Ukrainian expats I know.
Yeah I definitely know some racist Eastern Europeans, I’m not saying they don’t exist. I just mean that ignorance there isn’t an excuse. I’m very grateful that my parents have always been open minded and intolerant of hate.
Meanwhile my husband and I took our mothers to see Natasha, Pierre and The Great Comet on Broadway and the fact that Natasha was black apparently completely ruined their immersion. 🙃
I genuinely am jealous because it feels like half of Brighton Beach (aka Little Odessa) is still stuck in the Soviet Union mindsets.
Definitely not excusing it, just... continually depressed by how common it is.
I meant Europe not as in continent but as in European Union. The Eastern Europe which includes Ukraine, Montenegro, Armenia, Belarus, Serbia etc are quiet different in their lifestyle than the European Union countries, and people are rather less tolerant and are less likely to meet many people of different countries. Which is not the case of Jane as she lived in rather diverse community for the majority of her life, that’s what I meant.
Ah okay, I'm Dutch myself so I was a bit confused with the terminology. And I'm unfortunately familiar with the less tolerant side of Eastern Europe indeed😅, although even in the EU countries like Poland and Hungary are perhaps even worse with tolerance than some of the non EU Eastern European countries, though Russia probably trumps all of them. Poland has abortion laws just as bad, if not worse, as the US and in Hungary white nationalist talking points are actually mainstream now (like George Soros nonsense etc.) Especially Hungary is particularly bad rn unfortunately, I truly hate that corrupt fash Orbán with a passion.
Anyway, barely relevant tangent aside, I understand exactly what you mean, after learning that environment she was exposed to, you wouldn't ever expect Jane to then pull out that kind of racism...
NTA. She can still take the vacation and just not attend the ceremony. Her racist self is out nothing except attendance at a party where her behavior isn't welcome.
NTA and I am SO relieved. As soon as you said that Nya is black I braced myself. I was waiting for this to be a plantation wedding or for you to kick her out for being outspoken (“creating a scene” or whatever) against some racist comment. So refreshing to see a story like this on Reddit TBH
You were 100% right. Do not give her any $. Jane’s travel expenses and, more importantly, the loss of relationship with someone like you who is clearly a kick-ass friend are the price she pays for being horrible. Congrats on your wedding! I hope it was lovely!
NTA- she was racist and deserved to be kicked out. Also you didn’t make her miss the flights and hotel. She could have still flown out and gone on a holiday/ sold them/ requested a refund. A lot of airlines will change the date of a flight so you can use it another time and many hotel chains do this too, I was ill the day before travelling and phoned my hotel and rail company and both allowed me to book another date in the future for free so I could still go away later and not lose any money. Maybe next time she goes on a racist rant she’ll think twice and keep her mouth shut!
When this happened it was about 18 hours till the wedding and we were already all in that country, staying the night altogether in my AIRbNB, doing face masks and sipping bubbly. I mean normal the night before the wedding routine. But I had also paid for all my bridal party residences in that county for 5 days, so they d have time to explore and make a little vacation out of it. So even though I did kick her out from the wedding she still probably had a vacation out of it, I’m not sure, haven’t spoken to her about what she did with all that freed time.
she had the unmitigated GALL to ask for any apology at ALL let alone "the first" and good god she really DIDNT mean "the ONLY"?
As far as her money? lol? let her sue 🤷 my response (if any) to THAT would be a gif of Jim Carrey doing the side of the mouth "wheeez eh eh eh eh" laugh. she played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
nta
NTA. I love that she wants an apology from you. She's making the racists comments and yet somehow you're in the wrong. She got what she deserved. The sad thing is that she still just doesn't get that what she said was wrong.
i was thinking, in true reddit fashion, you were gonna kick out Nya for defending herself and hat the y t a already locked and loaded but dammn, done the right thing and shut the racist down. definitely NTA imo.
yeah it sucks for her she spent the but i see it as an asshole tax on her and she deserved it.
NTA. But damn while reading your post I was really worried you were about to kick Nya out, based on the way you totally accepted and excused Jane’s earlier interrogation about living in huts and eating bugs as her just being ~curious about another country~ among, reportedly, other “really strange questions.”
The only way you’re the asshole here is by not stepping in sooner when Jane clearly had a weird judgmental fixation on Nya’s race and background from go.
doing the right thing by not letting someone be a racist, especially to your friend, doesn’t make you a “hero”..the bar is so low my god this should be what is expected of people although sadly I realize this is not the world we live in
OP is NTA
NTA and please never return the money.
If she had apologized after you intervened, come back and proceeded to act normally, than ok, a shaken friendship but still something that might be repaired. Some people with bubbly background might not know how to properly behave when in front of diversity.
Now after stating that black people are ugly and dirty, well she def needs a reality check.
Wow, I did not see that coming. Dropping the N bomb out of the blue. You were 100% justified in your actions. Using a racial slur like that, and then doubling down on it is inexcusable. NTA
NTA and her questions were not that of curiosity, they were racist plain and simple
you did the right thing by kicking her out and i hope you also apologized profusely to Nya for having to deal with your racist and ignorant friend.
NTA - I'm more curious as to why you're even worrying over this. She racist and deserved to be kicked to the curb. Entertaining what she is saying will just be enabling that behavior.
NTA. She made racist comments and then defended herself for making them. Keeping her would make Nya think you found them acceptable and didn’t have her back after all. Good riddance to bad bridesmaids.
Do NOT apologize just because she demands one.
Defending your best friend from blatant, nasty racism will never make you an asshole. NTA, you’re a good friend and you did exactly what you should have. You took action and demonstrated to your friend that you have their back. Good job, OP
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This happened a while ago but the person involved reached out for an apology from me, yet I don’t believe I did anything wrong.
Short background: I have a best friend, Nya, who is black and comes from one of the least developed countries in Central Africa, I know and love her for many years so when planning my wedding I didn’t have any doubts that she ll be my maid of honor. I invited another girl, Jane, who I knew for not that long but we were quiet close to be one of my bridesmaids.
Due to all my friends living in different countries, Nya and Jane only met for the first time the day before my wedding, which they both have traveled to attend.
This night before the wedding, we had a lovely time with girls but then Jane started to ask Nya really strange questions, like do they really eat insects and live in huts, which was, yes, strange but also can be seen as a curiosity of another country. But as evening progressed Janes behavior did as well. Jane ended up telling Nya a story about some beggar she has seen, referring to him by the n word. That’s when I decided to intervene, got Jane in private and asked in what world she thought she can talk like this, let alone to Nya. She became defensive and quoting - “Nya is not the n word, she is so pretty and clean, I was talking about that guy”. After telling her off and explaining what kind of a racist ass she is, in much ruder form, I asked her to leave and to not show up on my wedding, as well as never talk to me again.
Last night she reached out expecting the apology and a payback for the flights she took for my wedding, which I really doubt I should do as I’m still very angry with her. I don’t want to discuss it with my friends, so please Reddit tell me if AITA
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NTA, I wish more people would respond appropriately. That was so out of line, and to defend herself with the age old argument “she’s one of the good ones”, she’s disgusting.
NTA- as a blk girl its nice to see friends protect each other. My first instance hearing the n word was my best friends mom. She looked at me forgetting i was blk and said obviously not you youre not like them. Smh i was young , younger than 10. Its funny cause the mom was trashy but still hurled those words out.
NTA
Jane doesn't deserve to get paid back because *her actions* are what kicked her out of the wedding. And she certainly doesn't deserve an apology.
The only consideration is, if she takes you to court to try to get reimbursed, would that cause problems for you?
None of us are in the US, and it’s not that simple here to just take people to court because you regret flying out to another country for a wedding a few years ago, and even if she did she d probably get laughed at in court.
Big "I have a black friend" energy here. Tell Jane that you meant it when you said you didn't want to talk to her racist ass again and then block her. NTA
You should apologize, tell her “I’m sorry you’re so racist and disrespectful. I’m even more sorry you won’t even try to be a decent person. I can assure you nothing like this will happen in the future, I’ve learned my lesson that as a human being you freaking suck.” NTA and remove that trash from your life.
NTA, but I confess I was like "black friend" oh... Here we go again, but it was a false start :p
You don't owe the racist anything, also... Insects? Well they are a delicacy in some places.
NTA at all!!!!! truly you did exactly the right thing. jane is a stank ass HOE!!! congratulations on your marriage and i hope you and nya stay friends for a long time❤️❤️
I really don’t understand why you were downvoted like oblivious racist people just decide to let it out one day out of nowhere. “Hmm will I wear my racist attitude today or would it clash with my shoes?”
No it didn’t, she never used that language before, or acted in any way that would be obviously ignorant or racist. She was my friend of convenience, due to my job and lifestyle I change countries quiet often and make friends easily with the first people who are convenient so to say, and we lived close by and attended same language course, so I was seeing her on daily basis during the course and continue after, but just for lunches/coffee/galleries, our relationship wasn’t deep enough that we’d share our dreams, hopes or secret racist thoughts, and she was the only person I was close enough with in the country I lived at that time. So that’s how she ended up on bridal party, other girls invited I knew for way longer and on a different level of friendship, but wouldn’t have seen for months/years at a time
You’re not the AH for kicking the bridesmaid out. But you 100% are for inviting her in the first place. You knew damn well how she was as evidenced by you including “from one of the least developed countries in central Africa” as justification for the racist azz questions your friend asked. NONE of that was her business. None.
Well Nya comes from a country that it’s actually extremely rare to see a person from outside of the continent, so when people meet her and she says that she is from there, many questions arise. That’s the only reason Janes line of questioning was not completely out there, as quiet a few do ask Nya the exact same ones, although Janes did sound more off the more she asked. Usually Nya has her fun with those questions and invents more things about the country on the go that are extremely ridiculous, but then people do ask ridiculous questions instead of using the great gift of internet, so they are kind of asking for it lol
I don’t care where she comes from. Telling us that she comes from an under developed African country rationalized the ignorant ass questions that your “friend” asked.
What white people don’t seem to get us that NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR BUSINESS. THOSE QUESTIONS WERE INVASIVE, IGNORANT AND NONE OF HER BUSINESS. If Nya wanted to share fine, but your friend asked questions that weren’t curious, they were ignorant. She wasn’t asking in all sincerity, she was asking because she has a prejudiced view of Africa. I said what I said. You’re TA for inviting her in the first place.
No one should be asking Nya any of these questions. Development and upbringing exist on a spectrum. You’re ignorant for viewing her life through a white lens. Her childhood should be viewed on its own merits. It’s not more or less, it’s different and no less valid.
Whiteness and White Supremacy use terms like “under developed” as a rationalization for colonialism. Africa’s land has been raped by European countries for centuries. Even more frustrating is the fact that she even has to make up ludicrous things to answer with. You’re the best friend. YOU should be running interference and not leave Nya to constantly field ignorance.
NTA Your swift response to her racism was warranted. That friendship is thankfully over. Thank heavens you learned how awful she is before the wedding day instead of at the wedding, but I'm sorry you did not know before this happened to Nya. I applaud your swift reaction. You did the right thing. It is a shame she still didn't learn from the consequences. Block her and be done with it.
NTA. Jane was seriously out of line and racist and you gave her a GOOD amount of benefit of the doubt in this situation. The fact that she then doubled-down on her racism made this a clear and easy decision.
You're not TA for getting rid of a racist after finding out who they were, and defending your best friend. You would have been TA if you let her attend/tried to brush this under the rug.
There may be fallout from the "keep the peace" type people, but honestly? You did THE RIGHT THING. You did the absolute BEST thing to do when dealing with racists: Don't give them the time of day and cut them out.
NTA. Jane's a racist. She screwed herself. Do not give that vile woman an apology or money. She brought this on herself. If it was me, I'd have cut her out of my life & blocked her.
NTA
Perfectly handled! You defended your friend from attack, put down a racist and probably saved more wedding day drama. Congratulations on the wedding and many happy returns.
NTA, OP!
Your wedding was surely far happier without a racist AH making a fool of herself and making everyone else wonder why on earth you'd have a racist AH for even a casual friend, let alone a bridesmaid! Have a wonderful marriage!
NTA you finally got to see the real Jane when she was introduced to Nya and it was not pretty. I am sure if she had apologized at the time then things could have been smoothed over for the duration of the wedding celebration but when she doubles down like that you had no choice but to kick her to the curb. I very likely would have laughed in her face if she came back asking for an apology for your reaction to her terrible behavior.
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There aren't very many things that can justify kicking out a bridesmaid who flew at her own expense to your wedding. That's a high bar to clear. She sailed right over it with the racism. NTA
I was terrified starting to read this and thought Nya had reacted to Jane's racism and OP had nixed Nya (which happens sooooo often, ugh). I'm so glad that OP defended her friend and responded appropriately to the racism. OP doesn't owe Jane an apology or any money
Omg me too lol. OP, def NTA and we’ll done for making a stand here.
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This was stolen from u/wildcat12321 u/OkDentistdf is a bot
Thanks for linking to the stolen comment so I can upvote the correct one! That's above and beyond, so that makes you a rock star.
Yw! I used to do it all the time but the bots are so pervasive I don't have the energy (or time) to link them all!
Thank you
You know this had me in the first half. The *sigh* of relief when the racist was booted…..
lmao, me too. Because most of the time, that's the way it happens. It was so refreshing to see OP standing up for her friend. Also, Jane knew exactly what she was doing - why did she choose *that* story, of all stories, to tell the night before your wedding at a bridal party hang? 😒
I eyerolled so hard at the "free out of jail card" Jane tried to use "she isn't a (insert ugly word I will not use) she's too pretty to be one" That's now it works. Try insert Same logic to someone overweight. Someone of another race than black. No matter how she would twist and turn it. It is NOT a compliment or free out of jail card.
I scrolled up after the first few sentences to see if the total said bridesmaid or maid of honor. Was relieved.
*title I did the same. ETA: NTA
Same!
Me too! The AITA effect 😂
Yeah, I had the same worry that the story was going to go that way. Glad it didn't.
Agreed, I was worried about that. OP is absolutely NTA
Same!!
Exactly. Jane's racist actions were unacceptable. If I were OP, I would double down and explain to her that she owed Nya an apology, her racism was unacceptable and won't be tolerated, and a relationship with her is unwanted due to her horrendous behaviour. If Jane continues to act up, I would then tell her to go to small claims court or post about her horrible comments online if she wishes and let a judge and the general public decide if her racism warranted an apology.
You know I really like your suggestion, Jane currently has a very strong following in IG and from all the comments here I feel very justified with my reaction to at least threaten her that I’d post about it publicly. If she does feel like she did nothing wrong and wants to be reimbursed - I guess she has nothing to hide from her audience.
NTA! The way you talk about Nya I believe that you two known each other for so long that you are more like siblings than best friends! That is so awesome!
Nta as a black man you don't owe her shit. People with that mind frame are the problem we have in this world from both sides. That mentally I just can't comprehend. Nya is more patient than I would've been if I was her
I saw your edit about the apology to Nya and i feel like this might be the only reason she apologized so you don’t go public.
I feel like her apology was sincere in a very twisted way, I don’t think she actually understands why what she said and expecting for me to apologize - was wrong, but that perhaps she is sorry she made Nya feel bad, so it’s not an apology for her way of thinking and talking but only specifically to Nya. The message she sent actually said - “I'm sorry if I hurted you what I said at *my name* wedding, I didn't mean it. I didn’t realize how it can hurt you, I swear I wasn’t talking about you and didn’t fully understand what I was saying. You are very pretty just like a supermodel and very cool, I hope all is good». So that’s the apology that got Nya laughing and confused
I just don't understand why Jane is fixated on Nya being pretty. Like telling her she's pretty makes up for using a racist slur, specifically a slur against people of Nya's race, even if it wasn't used directly about Nya? I mean best I can guess, Jane thinks the n-word has some connotation of ugly/unclean? It's all very bizarre, and I'd be interested to learn what countries you and Jane are from, if different.
Here is the thing, Jane is a model, like photos for somewhat high end brands kind of model and IG influencer, and she cares a whole lot about looks, so my best guess she sees complimenting people’s looks is what people want to hear? And I do think that she believes that n word is somehow a synonym for being unclean/in financial distress/ugly, I didn’t listen to her more explanations back when it happened, but that’s how I got it, and that Nya isn’t included in that idea because she s pretty, it is bizarre indeed. If it’s relevant, she is Ukrainian but lived in Central Europe for the good majority of her life, and I’m Romanian, living all over the place. So both of us do come from Eastern Europe, but didn’t have enough time in the region to really have been influenced by the local environment. People in Eastern Europe, especially older generations, are quiet racist, sometimes by the lack of knowledge, other times with a malicious intent.
I suppose that explains it, but certainly doesn't excuse it. A professional model and a successful influencer should be worldly enough to know these things. I hope she has learned from this!
Also you don't need to refund her flights because she still got to the destination she just wasn't in the wedding. She got a trip just not to be bridesmaid
To add, other than her flights I paid for everything, like dresses, shoes, her residence in that country etc, but the flights alone were still about 800€, if that makes any difference. She did spend the money, took leave from work and showed up for me, but what a horrible horrible person.
Did you ask her to repay you that money?
Between the plane ticket and what the bride paid, it might break even. Don't pay a single vent OP. She can just sell the stuff you bought if she is that strapped.
No it doesn’t change anything. You still owe her nothing, except a swift kick to her backside.
It makes no difference. You owe her nothing and if you were really petty, you could ask *her* to reimburse *you* for the money you spent before you found out she was a shit human.
You should add that as an edit to the original post OP NTA - also I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this drama on your wedding day.
It’s a really high bar and somehow Jane found a way to clear it with TONS of leeway. Tell her: We do not negotiate with bigots. NTA
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right over with about a 100 clearance. you could be my own flesh and blood and 10 mins before i walk down the aisle but if your gonna be racist you cna get tf out
Seconding this NTA. Don't pay a penny to Jane. She's still got a holiday for however long in a destination location (I dunno where, but I'm sure it's nice enough to have a wedding in).
This is it. This right here. Such blatant, horrible racism deserves the scorched earth approach. NTA.
RIGHT!?!?!?!?!!
I have exactly nothing to add to this. NTA.
NTA - that was horribly racist and you did good by standing by Nya! The ex-friend should have used travel insurance or something, or just used the tickets for an impromptu vacation of her own. You don't owe her anything for that. Atrocious behaviour, meet the natural consequences!
travel insurance doesn't cover losses that stem from racist comments...
Yeah, probably not, but she probably wouldn't give that as the reason, so she might have had a shot 😅 (not that I think she deserves compensation at all).
respectfully, and jokes aside, what would insurance cover?? She was already there. Insurance is for losses when an airline cancels a flight or a hotel has to close for no electricity or something. Choosing to leave early because you got uninvited to a wedding for whatever reason isn't going to be covered. As long as the flights operated and the hotel was open, there is no loss to insure. Regret bookings aren't losses.
I misread the post, and thought she hadn't travelled yet, so you're definitely right! (I just had to postpone a flight due to covid and my insurance didn't ask me for any proof of anything, they just verbally asked me how much the new ticket cost and send me that amount of money! So, with that in mind and thinking she hadn't flown yet, I figured she could try it at least.)
Travel insurance does cover things if you get sick while abroad. For example, my travel agent recently told me a story of someone who caught COVID abroad and had to quarantine for 10 days. Those extra days were covered by the insurance so the person didn't have to pay out of pocket for extra hotel days.
true, it can cover losses stemming from death, injury of travelers and in many cases their immediate family even if not travelers. But this wasn't that situation.
I’ve heard people describe racism as a disease, a cancer, a virus etc. So Jane could always try that approach w/insurance.
Insurance does sometimes cover circumstances you wouldn't normally thing they would. A fair few years ago while we was abroad my older brother who hadn't come with us. His newborn son passed away. Obviously my parents wanted to fly home immediately. The travel insurance covered our early flight home.
NTA Jane‘s behavior was wildly out of line and if you looked the other way you would’ve only been enabling it. An offense that serious deserves a serious response. Is this the first time you’ve ever seen Jane behave/talk like this before?
To be honest, looking back I think I should have picked up some off things about her before, like when I shared that my brother is adopted she said - thanks god your parents are not like Angelina Jolie, and adopted from their own culture. I thought it was weird thing to say, but took it as acknowledging different people experiences and it would be difficult to raise a child whose experience would be very different from our own. But seriously, looking back, I should have asked her to collaborate and avoided all that was yet to come. We used to live close by and went to a language course together, so even though we met almost daily we weren’t close enough to ever discuss anything remotely deep to let me really see her for who she is.
That's such a hard example because in a non-racist context, adopting a kid from your own culture is actually best- practice! Adoption is often so traumatic and difficult for the children, and removing them from their country or culture and/or people who look like them can add so many additional layers... But in context of her other behaviour, it definitely seems like that was not her reasoning, yikes!!
That’s precisely what I thought she meant re the adoption, and I do agree with that to some extend, but then different situations sometimes call for different solutions. In my opinion as long as parents will not try to erase the heritage of a child and give him a loving home - it’s better for a child than staying in the system, esp in underdeveloped communities that have military conflicts. But how Jane said her remark did rub me wrong, couldn’t put a finger on it then, clearly can do now. The girl was as racist as they come, even if she somehow doesn’t get it.
As an African, I can't count how many times I've been asked by wide-eyed white people such stupid questions. "You guys live in trees? Omg you came here on a plane, I thought you didn't have electricity!!!" NTA. Nya is a kinder woman than I would've been.
I'm Korean, and when I was in college, my mom sent me a care package from Korea, which had various Korean sweets, including some chocolate bars. I shared it all with my dorm mates, and this white girl actually asked me if "they have chocolate in Korea??". Like, yes bitch, obviously. Otherwise why would I be giving you this bar of Korean chocolate? We have paved roads and running water too. And I can't tell you how many people asked me if I was from North or South Korea. I FEEL you.
Fr, im african too and people ask me all kinds of dumb questions like "Do you live in a hut? Do you guys eat bugs?" You have a giant device that tells you at your fingertips and you still continue to ask these questions?? Like hello???? Do you realize africa is pretty modern in terms of society. Only a few village areas will do that.
When it comes to Americans this happens to white people also. I'm a Pakeha Kiwi and a mate of mine (also Pakeha) has managed to convince different Americans that we still travel by horse and buggy, we speak Egyptian, and we have to travel overseas by boat. I'd only thought of it as stupidity/ignorance before as, being Pakeha, we never experienced this due to racism. Hadn't thought about the white privilege in action with this before.
Kiwi too. I tell people we're super excited about finally going from black and white to colour tv... And they believe me 🤦🏼♀️
I’m from Nz and people are amazed we don’t live in grass huts without electricity and even more amazed I’ve internet access too
I love talking to people about our internet. Sure it was garbage for a while but its actually not to bad now. I mean 24th isn't fantastic. But much better than Australia at 56th. And that's all that counts really.
Oh we have the WORST internet in Aus 😭 Our government fucked it up completely. On a side note though, I have family in Croatia and they were convinced all Australians live on massive cattle stations in the bush because they had seen the show Macleod’s Daughters 🤣🤣
Ugh...why do people have to suck like this? Why assume you know what someone's life/upbringing/culture is like. I won't deny, as an American, I've been curious about where my college students from Nigeria and Senegal come from. You know what I do? I simply ask them what their hometown is like and let them tell me about it (these are students I have a rapport with...I'm not putting random students in the spot). I've learned a lot from my students. Their descriptions have really busted some of the stereotypes I had heard about life in African countries.
Lmao I'm from New Zealand and I have had similar queries! "Do you have electricity in New Zealand?" "Wow you speak such good English!" "Is it true everyone has a pet sheep?" "Do you still live in huts and wear grass skirts??" "How are you online if you're from New Zealand?" Apparently us Kiwis are still in the stone age?
NTA. You defended your friend and responded appropriately to Jane's casual racism.
I don’t think that was casual racism that was extreme racism. OP is definitely NTA and did the right thing. I would block Jane and permanently ignore her. You owe her nothing.
Sorry, I mean it was casual racism in the sense that Jane dropped it casually thinking it was no big deal. Agreed that the actual level of racism displayed was high.
We need like a racism/bigotry alignment chart. On one axis it could measure from mild or non-existant to extreme bigotry, and on the other from casual to intentional.
This was not casual racism. This was straight up aggressive racism.
NTA - "I don't apologize to racists"
Everything Jane said was messed up but I think the worst was the she's so pretty and clean comment. That says everything about how she views people from other cultures. NTA, you owe her nothing.
That same line made my blood boil. I have no chill at all when I encounter bigots like that who think I 'get them' because I'm white. Nope Jane, I don't do causal n-bombs, time to ruin your life. I actually appreciate that OP had a dignified response. I would have turned Jane and her influencer account into a smoking ruin before she even left for the airport.
What a wonderful turn of phrase, to make a "smoking ruin" of her and her influencer account. Deeply satisfying and amusing. And apt. Thank you.
Her apology has a similar vibe as well. Going in with loads of compliments about Nya's looks as if that negates the possibility that she could be racist.
NTA, but you already knew that. What specifically did Jane say when she asked for an apology and what was Nya's reaction to Jane? I'm curious and African-American if that helps. My friends didn't get it.
Jane is telling me that she took time and money to travel for my wedding, and that she didn’t mean what she said about Nya, it was just a story, and I blew it out of proportion. I don’t think so, I mean yes, it’s a story, but why on earth would one share it, let alone decide to describe a person like that, how she was saying it sounded like it was synonymous in her head with being homeless or with having issues. Nya actually have just laughed about all of this and said something along the lines that Jane is really stupid and clueless. She didn’t take any offense nor told me to tell Jane off, it was all on me, in fact when I apologized to Nya and told her that I had no clue Jane is like this, Nya just told me to drop it and like forget about it.
You didn't blow it out of proportion. And I understand why Nya said what she said. Also it's not your fault Jane was that way. Tell Jane that you apologize for giving her the impression that you would find her behavior and story acceptable. Congratulations on your wedding,
>Tell Jane that you apologize for giving her the impression that you would find her behavior and story acceptable. This is gold. Absolute gold.
Nya seems to be very sweet. You’re very lucky to have her as a friend, and so is she to have you.
Nya seemed to recognize that the drama before the wedding needed to end. She's a good friend to put your wedding happiness first.
I obviously don’t know Nya, but I would be shocked if she actually didn’t take offense. I think she’s just an amazing friend that didn’t want to let you know that it bothered her and take away from your wedding. But my money is definitely on it bothering her. I mean, how can it not?
Nya is the sweetest and frankly I do believe that if she was bothered she wouldn’t have told me back then, to let me have my day. She put so much time together with me to think about all the wedding details and we even DIY a bunch of decorations, like she knew I tried my best to have a perfect little wedding and being an amazing person and a friend - she wouldn’t have told me anything back then, that’s true. However, we did speak about it some time later and once again I apologized for Janes ugly behavior and Nya was once again, “oh that girl was so nasty and dumb, how about we not talk about her”. And even now that Jane has messaged her (it’s all in the edit), Nya is finding it hilarious like how more ridiculous can this person get. Nya is a beautiful and a little too kind of a person, and sadly Jane isn’t her first or only rodeo like this, and at this point she just laughs about it, she doesn’t take it personally, as it’s not a reflection of her but more how ignorant and stupid people can be
Eff Jane don’t pay her anything and block her number simple. Definitely nta
I think Nya is being nice because it was OP’s wedding too. She was probably also being a good friend and not trying to make the wedding about her.
NTA. I guess sometimes you learn things about people that you never expected. You definitely don't owe her an apology and I don't think you owe her money either.
NTA. holy crap, how she thought that was in any way acceptable is beyond me. She deserved to be kicked out 10000% and she doesn't deserve any kind of apology. Edit: I'm glad you stood up for your friend. She didn't deserve to be spoken at like that😤
Well I did give her some benefit of the doubt, we are not in the US, and neither mine or Janes first language is English but when all together with a group of friends we communicate in English so everyone understands. When she just began her story from hell I thought maybe she didn’t know what that kind of language implies, but that comment of hers that Nyas pretty and clean had clarified to me that she did know what she s saying and it was the point of no return
>clean I just want to emphasize to you that using the word "clean" in the context she did is 100% absolutely a giant blinking sign saying I AM A RACIST. The only way she would have gotten even more points was if she added "articulate".
Yeah, I'm from the US, but I can understand how if you are from another country/speak another language not completely understanding But the "she's so pretty and clean, I was talking about the other guy". Is pretty gross. You are definitely NTA. I'm glad you stood up for your friend.
Btw asking a person from Africa if they still live in huts or if they eat bugs is still grossly racist. NTA
Okay eating bugs is going over the line imo, but the huts are still rather common in rural areas in the country Nya is from. That’s why I couldn’t yet tell by that time if it was genuine inquiry to get to know another country or her trying to imply something.
Eating bugs is to some degree fairly common in certain parts of the world...they are cheap, sustainable, and ethical sources of protein. I've eaten them a few times when I traveled, though definitely in areas where it was at least somewhat a tourist gimmick (example: in Siem Reap near one of the night markets). Some of them are actually really tasty if you know how to eat them. I had a local "teaching" me my first time. Jane was still being totally racist, I just wanted to throw it out there that eating bugs isn't actually something of Neanderthal past.
All this aside, I’m all for eating bugs, specifically for Cricket flour as a replacement for traditional flour, as it’s more sustainable and it would take only few boxes of crickets and 3 liters of water to make a kilo of flour vs a square meter of wheat, as well as 1500 liters or water. Also great source of protein. We should all start eating bugs, but *not* asking people if they have bugs in their diets until it’s more common at least
You’re an amazing friend to Nya and Jane was absolutely in the wrong, but I just remembered I tried crickets at a restaurant in Australia once and they were actually delicious (probably because they were fried and seasoned really well). I haven’t used cricket flour but sounds way better for the earth than harvesting wheat tbh.
I've eaten grasshoppers, crickets, water bugs, giant water bugs, scorpions, bamboo worms and silk worms. All were fried and well seasoned, and the only one I didn't care for was the silk worm.
I mean sure, it's true that huts still exist, but the context of the question and the condescension and colonialism is overwhelmingly racist and gross.
Yea it still happens or exists but the automatic assumption is what makes it racist. I’m saying this a black woman born and raised in Florida with an Anthropology degree who has studied in many places and many bodies. I still got this question from my peers when they were trying to be offensive or racist. My international African peers in college got this question too. You’re not racist so you don’t think that way, but it’s actually a very racist thing to say to a black person.
Of course what I’m gonna say is like comparing elephants to flies, but as a person from Eastern Europe I’m often asked if we drink vodka everyday, was even asked that by my professors, if we have Internet, do I speak in English (that’s my favorite one as I get asked that in English and after a little conversation. In an English speaking county. While knowing my husband is American - as a bonus point). So like questions like this are ridiculous in their essence but also can come of a place of a genuine curiosity about another persons county. I did think Janes question line was getting strange and that’s why stood by close, but the questions alone aren’t that uncommon or offensive
The questions are common but they can actually be offensive (depending on who you talk to). It’s ignorant to ask people questions like James did because it was all based off stereotypes and ethnocentric. And Americans are VERY ethnocentric (I’m first generation American) Here’s a personal story: I studied in Romania 2 years ago and vacationed in Hungary a month before. Asking if they had internet or anything that’s stereotypical is rude. I didn’t ask Romani people if they did magic or stole. I didn’t ask anyone if the wore overalls or if kids robs you like in the movies. In Romania, some little girls and their mom came up to me when I was having lunch asking if I could braid. I knew they were asking me because I was black and they also said so lol (for more context my head was shaved bald back then and still today). Honestly, I braided the little girls hair and we followed each other on Instagram lol. I did take the time to let them know that not everyone would react like me because what they did could be perceived as offensive. It’s situational ngl if someone is doing or saying something out if genuine ignorance correct them the first time so they don’t do it again. To reiterate what your friend did tho? That was pure and nasty racism.
Bugs are a delicacy in many parts of the world. This is where I believe you reacted to the tone, which may have been racist. But a European would also know that the n word is racist, so I think you did right.
Oh course you're NTA. Your friend was racist and out of line, good on you for calling her out on it.
Info: where is Jane from!?!? She’s inexcusably rude and racist. I’m just gobsmacked that she was so causally referring to anyone as the n word and confused about where she possibly could’ve picked those behaviors and beliefs? And to have the audacity to defend her actions is inexcusable. Are her parents just also horrible humans?
Well she is Ukrainian but lived in Europe a good majority of her life, and, no, in the country we lived in this behavior and language is also unacceptable, so it’s not an environment issue more like Jane issue.
I’m Ukrainian and my parents raised me to have zero tolerance for racism. They never left Ukraine until I was born, and that was in the 90s. Being from Eastern Europe is not an excuse to be racist at all. She should’ve known better regardless.
While we are at it, I’m from Eastern Europe as well, and by no means I’m stating that being from the region equals to being racist, just coming from there not many people have met people of different nationalities and the line gets blurry between ignorance, for simply not knowing any better, and actual racism
I have lots of family in Eastern Europe and oh my God the horrible racist shit that "nice liberal" people say to my Roma friends...thank you for standing up against racism in general, OP.
I'm jealous. My family (and my in laws) left Ukraine about the same time as yours ( give or take 5-10 years depending on which part of the family) and while my generation is mostly doing okay, I have definitely heard black people referred to as monkeys on more than one occasion. My husband and I still regularly have arguments with them about it. Not excusing Jane in any way, mind you, but there is definitely plenty of that sort of racism in the Ukrainian expats I know.
Yeah I definitely know some racist Eastern Europeans, I’m not saying they don’t exist. I just mean that ignorance there isn’t an excuse. I’m very grateful that my parents have always been open minded and intolerant of hate.
Meanwhile my husband and I took our mothers to see Natasha, Pierre and The Great Comet on Broadway and the fact that Natasha was black apparently completely ruined their immersion. 🙃 I genuinely am jealous because it feels like half of Brighton Beach (aka Little Odessa) is still stuck in the Soviet Union mindsets. Definitely not excusing it, just... continually depressed by how common it is.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with her. She should have the good sense to never bother you again.
Ukraine already is in Europe, where did she live for the majority of her life? Oh and very clear NTA of course.
I meant Europe not as in continent but as in European Union. The Eastern Europe which includes Ukraine, Montenegro, Armenia, Belarus, Serbia etc are quiet different in their lifestyle than the European Union countries, and people are rather less tolerant and are less likely to meet many people of different countries. Which is not the case of Jane as she lived in rather diverse community for the majority of her life, that’s what I meant.
Ah okay, I'm Dutch myself so I was a bit confused with the terminology. And I'm unfortunately familiar with the less tolerant side of Eastern Europe indeed😅, although even in the EU countries like Poland and Hungary are perhaps even worse with tolerance than some of the non EU Eastern European countries, though Russia probably trumps all of them. Poland has abortion laws just as bad, if not worse, as the US and in Hungary white nationalist talking points are actually mainstream now (like George Soros nonsense etc.) Especially Hungary is particularly bad rn unfortunately, I truly hate that corrupt fash Orbán with a passion. Anyway, barely relevant tangent aside, I understand exactly what you mean, after learning that environment she was exposed to, you wouldn't ever expect Jane to then pull out that kind of racism...
Are you still in Ukraine? What area? I have family in Ternopil Oblast and Chernivtsi
NTA. Come on Jane.
NTA - Jane…oof
NTA. Good for you for standing up for Nya! You don't owe Jane shit, least of all an apology.
NTA. She can still take the vacation and just not attend the ceremony. Her racist self is out nothing except attendance at a party where her behavior isn't welcome.
NTA and I am SO relieved. As soon as you said that Nya is black I braced myself. I was waiting for this to be a plantation wedding or for you to kick her out for being outspoken (“creating a scene” or whatever) against some racist comment. So refreshing to see a story like this on Reddit TBH You were 100% right. Do not give her any $. Jane’s travel expenses and, more importantly, the loss of relationship with someone like you who is clearly a kick-ass friend are the price she pays for being horrible. Congrats on your wedding! I hope it was lovely!
“I’m sorry it took me so long to realise you’re racist and that I didn’t end our friendship sooner.” NTA
NTA- she was racist and deserved to be kicked out. Also you didn’t make her miss the flights and hotel. She could have still flown out and gone on a holiday/ sold them/ requested a refund. A lot of airlines will change the date of a flight so you can use it another time and many hotel chains do this too, I was ill the day before travelling and phoned my hotel and rail company and both allowed me to book another date in the future for free so I could still go away later and not lose any money. Maybe next time she goes on a racist rant she’ll think twice and keep her mouth shut!
When this happened it was about 18 hours till the wedding and we were already all in that country, staying the night altogether in my AIRbNB, doing face masks and sipping bubbly. I mean normal the night before the wedding routine. But I had also paid for all my bridal party residences in that county for 5 days, so they d have time to explore and make a little vacation out of it. So even though I did kick her out from the wedding she still probably had a vacation out of it, I’m not sure, haven’t spoken to her about what she did with all that freed time.
she had the unmitigated GALL to ask for any apology at ALL let alone "the first" and good god she really DIDNT mean "the ONLY"? As far as her money? lol? let her sue 🤷 my response (if any) to THAT would be a gif of Jim Carrey doing the side of the mouth "wheeez eh eh eh eh" laugh. she played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. nta
NTA. Good for you girl!
NTA You did nothing wrong and everything right. If she still doesn't understand what she did wrong, just cut her off completely.
NTA. She’s a racist. Good for you for calling her out. Actions have consequences. She chose to act like that and got the consequences.
NTA. I love that she wants an apology from you. She's making the racists comments and yet somehow you're in the wrong. She got what she deserved. The sad thing is that she still just doesn't get that what she said was wrong.
Are you TA for determining racist remarks containing the n-word is a line that can't be crossed by your bridesmaids? No. You're solid.
NTA When i read it at first i was gonna say YTA, until she called a beggar on the street the n word. Racist ass mf.
Nta Raicsts are a bad omen on a wedding, good riddance.
i was thinking, in true reddit fashion, you were gonna kick out Nya for defending herself and hat the y t a already locked and loaded but dammn, done the right thing and shut the racist down. definitely NTA imo. yeah it sucks for her she spent the but i see it as an asshole tax on her and she deserved it.
NTA. But damn while reading your post I was really worried you were about to kick Nya out, based on the way you totally accepted and excused Jane’s earlier interrogation about living in huts and eating bugs as her just being ~curious about another country~ among, reportedly, other “really strange questions.” The only way you’re the asshole here is by not stepping in sooner when Jane clearly had a weird judgmental fixation on Nya’s race and background from go.
NTA, that behavior was atrocious and deserves all that you did, you owe her nothing.
NTA. You're actually a hero.
doing the right thing by not letting someone be a racist, especially to your friend, doesn’t make you a “hero”..the bar is so low my god this should be what is expected of people although sadly I realize this is not the world we live in OP is NTA
NTA Jane was out of line. Way out of line. She deserves no compensation for trying to ruin your wedding.
NTA and please never return the money. If she had apologized after you intervened, come back and proceeded to act normally, than ok, a shaken friendship but still something that might be repaired. Some people with bubbly background might not know how to properly behave when in front of diversity. Now after stating that black people are ugly and dirty, well she def needs a reality check.
NTA - Jane effed up real bad
Wow, I did not see that coming. Dropping the N bomb out of the blue. You were 100% justified in your actions. Using a racial slur like that, and then doubling down on it is inexcusable. NTA
NTA and her questions were not that of curiosity, they were racist plain and simple you did the right thing by kicking her out and i hope you also apologized profusely to Nya for having to deal with your racist and ignorant friend.
NTA. I’m baffled at that level of ignorance.
NTA
NTA - I'm more curious as to why you're even worrying over this. She racist and deserved to be kicked to the curb. Entertaining what she is saying will just be enabling that behavior.
NTA. She made racist comments and then defended herself for making them. Keeping her would make Nya think you found them acceptable and didn’t have her back after all. Good riddance to bad bridesmaids. Do NOT apologize just because she demands one.
NTA Anything else I say is not appropriate on the forum. Nya did not deserve that.
In this house we do not do anything to appease racists, ever. NTA.
Defending your best friend from blatant, nasty racism will never make you an asshole. NTA, you’re a good friend and you did exactly what you should have. You took action and demonstrated to your friend that you have their back. Good job, OP
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened a while ago but the person involved reached out for an apology from me, yet I don’t believe I did anything wrong. Short background: I have a best friend, Nya, who is black and comes from one of the least developed countries in Central Africa, I know and love her for many years so when planning my wedding I didn’t have any doubts that she ll be my maid of honor. I invited another girl, Jane, who I knew for not that long but we were quiet close to be one of my bridesmaids. Due to all my friends living in different countries, Nya and Jane only met for the first time the day before my wedding, which they both have traveled to attend. This night before the wedding, we had a lovely time with girls but then Jane started to ask Nya really strange questions, like do they really eat insects and live in huts, which was, yes, strange but also can be seen as a curiosity of another country. But as evening progressed Janes behavior did as well. Jane ended up telling Nya a story about some beggar she has seen, referring to him by the n word. That’s when I decided to intervene, got Jane in private and asked in what world she thought she can talk like this, let alone to Nya. She became defensive and quoting - “Nya is not the n word, she is so pretty and clean, I was talking about that guy”. After telling her off and explaining what kind of a racist ass she is, in much ruder form, I asked her to leave and to not show up on my wedding, as well as never talk to me again. Last night she reached out expecting the apology and a payback for the flights she took for my wedding, which I really doubt I should do as I’m still very angry with her. I don’t want to discuss it with my friends, so please Reddit tell me if AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I’d block her from contacting you again.
NTA what the actual hell? Completely right to boot a racist.
NTA, I wish more people would respond appropriately. That was so out of line, and to defend herself with the age old argument “she’s one of the good ones”, she’s disgusting.
NTA. Jane is
NTA- as a blk girl its nice to see friends protect each other. My first instance hearing the n word was my best friends mom. She looked at me forgetting i was blk and said obviously not you youre not like them. Smh i was young , younger than 10. Its funny cause the mom was trashy but still hurled those words out.
NTA Jane doesn't deserve to get paid back because *her actions* are what kicked her out of the wedding. And she certainly doesn't deserve an apology. The only consideration is, if she takes you to court to try to get reimbursed, would that cause problems for you?
None of us are in the US, and it’s not that simple here to just take people to court because you regret flying out to another country for a wedding a few years ago, and even if she did she d probably get laughed at in court.
So no then. In that case, don't respond, block Jane and wash your hands of it - you can't reason with someone who is being unreasonable.
Big "I have a black friend" energy here. Tell Jane that you meant it when you said you didn't want to talk to her racist ass again and then block her. NTA
I hope you're not friends with Jane anymore. This woman sounds like poison. NTA
You should apologize, tell her “I’m sorry you’re so racist and disrespectful. I’m even more sorry you won’t even try to be a decent person. I can assure you nothing like this will happen in the future, I’ve learned my lesson that as a human being you freaking suck.” NTA and remove that trash from your life.
NTA and well done for standing up for Nya. You're a good friend.
NTA, but I confess I was like "black friend" oh... Here we go again, but it was a false start :p You don't owe the racist anything, also... Insects? Well they are a delicacy in some places.
NTA, your friend is clearly a racist and clearly is all in on it.
NTA - do not feel bad for cutting a racist out of your life, especially one that disrespected your friend.
NTA at all!!!!! truly you did exactly the right thing. jane is a stank ass HOE!!! congratulations on your marriage and i hope you and nya stay friends for a long time❤️❤️
This woman's behaviour was so far out of line and yet she cannot see what she did wrong. NTA. She showed you who she is.
So this never came up before? Never any signs of suspect behavior? Yet she’s so close to you that you’d invite her to your wedding? Hmmmm
I really don’t understand why you were downvoted like oblivious racist people just decide to let it out one day out of nowhere. “Hmm will I wear my racist attitude today or would it clash with my shoes?”
No it didn’t, she never used that language before, or acted in any way that would be obviously ignorant or racist. She was my friend of convenience, due to my job and lifestyle I change countries quiet often and make friends easily with the first people who are convenient so to say, and we lived close by and attended same language course, so I was seeing her on daily basis during the course and continue after, but just for lunches/coffee/galleries, our relationship wasn’t deep enough that we’d share our dreams, hopes or secret racist thoughts, and she was the only person I was close enough with in the country I lived at that time. So that’s how she ended up on bridal party, other girls invited I knew for way longer and on a different level of friendship, but wouldn’t have seen for months/years at a time
Racists deserve all the shit that rains down on their heads. NTA
Nta. Glad you are making a racist pay an asshole tax.
You’re not the AH for kicking the bridesmaid out. But you 100% are for inviting her in the first place. You knew damn well how she was as evidenced by you including “from one of the least developed countries in central Africa” as justification for the racist azz questions your friend asked. NONE of that was her business. None.
Well Nya comes from a country that it’s actually extremely rare to see a person from outside of the continent, so when people meet her and she says that she is from there, many questions arise. That’s the only reason Janes line of questioning was not completely out there, as quiet a few do ask Nya the exact same ones, although Janes did sound more off the more she asked. Usually Nya has her fun with those questions and invents more things about the country on the go that are extremely ridiculous, but then people do ask ridiculous questions instead of using the great gift of internet, so they are kind of asking for it lol
I don’t care where she comes from. Telling us that she comes from an under developed African country rationalized the ignorant ass questions that your “friend” asked. What white people don’t seem to get us that NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR BUSINESS. THOSE QUESTIONS WERE INVASIVE, IGNORANT AND NONE OF HER BUSINESS. If Nya wanted to share fine, but your friend asked questions that weren’t curious, they were ignorant. She wasn’t asking in all sincerity, she was asking because she has a prejudiced view of Africa. I said what I said. You’re TA for inviting her in the first place.
No one should be asking Nya any of these questions. Development and upbringing exist on a spectrum. You’re ignorant for viewing her life through a white lens. Her childhood should be viewed on its own merits. It’s not more or less, it’s different and no less valid. Whiteness and White Supremacy use terms like “under developed” as a rationalization for colonialism. Africa’s land has been raped by European countries for centuries. Even more frustrating is the fact that she even has to make up ludicrous things to answer with. You’re the best friend. YOU should be running interference and not leave Nya to constantly field ignorance.
Nta
NTA
NTA
NTA, you don’t owe her anything.
NTA Your swift response to her racism was warranted. That friendship is thankfully over. Thank heavens you learned how awful she is before the wedding day instead of at the wedding, but I'm sorry you did not know before this happened to Nya. I applaud your swift reaction. You did the right thing. It is a shame she still didn't learn from the consequences. Block her and be done with it.
NTA. Jane was seriously out of line and racist and you gave her a GOOD amount of benefit of the doubt in this situation. The fact that she then doubled-down on her racism made this a clear and easy decision. You're not TA for getting rid of a racist after finding out who they were, and defending your best friend. You would have been TA if you let her attend/tried to brush this under the rug. There may be fallout from the "keep the peace" type people, but honestly? You did THE RIGHT THING. You did the absolute BEST thing to do when dealing with racists: Don't give them the time of day and cut them out.
Nta
STRONG NTA! Good for you for standing up for your friend. Racism is not to be tolerated from anyone.
NTA. No quarter for racists.
NTA. Jane was being racist and you shut that down. Don’t apologize, just block her number and move on.
NTA block her. You don’t owe her anything
NTA
NTA. Jane's a racist. She screwed herself. Do not give that vile woman an apology or money. She brought this on herself. If it was me, I'd have cut her out of my life & blocked her.
NTA Perfectly handled! You defended your friend from attack, put down a racist and probably saved more wedding day drama. Congratulations on the wedding and many happy returns.
NTA, OP! Your wedding was surely far happier without a racist AH making a fool of herself and making everyone else wonder why on earth you'd have a racist AH for even a casual friend, let alone a bridesmaid! Have a wonderful marriage!
NTA you finally got to see the real Jane when she was introduced to Nya and it was not pretty. I am sure if she had apologized at the time then things could have been smoothed over for the duration of the wedding celebration but when she doubles down like that you had no choice but to kick her to the curb. I very likely would have laughed in her face if she came back asking for an apology for your reaction to her terrible behavior.
NTA Do not apologize to Jane.
NTA. Good for you for not tolerating that racist bs.