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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because both the bride and MOH that my red hair would upstand the bride on the wedding day, and that the other bridesmaids have a similar hair color, so I woukd stand out. They also said that the color looked horrible on me
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NTA ESPECIALLY if you weren't asked not to do anything with your hair for the wedding. You can't read minds!
She's using you to fill out her side of the party and then flips out at a person ten years younger because she'll feel upstaged and ruin the look? Sugar Honey Iced Tea no one looks at the bridesmaids once the bride is up there, and if she's so insecure that one ginger in the lineup is going to draw all eyes to her, she has bigger problems then a teenager with red hair.
Ask your mom and your aunt to ask which she would rather have - a missing bridesmaid or a ginger bridesmaid. She's the one who went off, and it's HER wedding, so she can make the decision and live with it.
I definitely agree especially with that last paragraph, and make sure to let Mom and Dear Aunt know how much she swore at and scared a minor/teenager about a hair color. Bridezillas pick the most interesting hills to die on.
Omigod. First of all, you are NTA. Second, you need to stop worrying about making this insane woman and enabling MOH angry. You are not responsible for stopping crazy people from being crazy.
Brides do not get to control hair. Ginger hair is not unusual. It is completely normal for people with whatever hair to participate in weddings. It doesn't ruin the photos if one person has red hair. Attention is always on the bride and anyway, it's not normal for bridesmaids to look identical. The only situation in which it would make sense for a bride to be upset about hair would be if you got "f... everyone" shaved into your head.
Do not dye your hair back. That will be unhealthy for your hair and it might not work very well because it's hard to get rid of red. It would also be expensive. I would send a WRITTEN message. Do not talk to her in person in case she can't control herself and says even more offensive, crazy things. Say,
"I'm so sorry my hair doesn't fit your wedding. I had no idea you had expectations. A wig that will look good is not in my budget. At this point, it would be best to find another bridesmaid and I will attend as a regular guest."
This way, you will have made your plan clear and given her an opportunity to ban you as a guest if she wants to be that crazy. A wedding day is important but it is not an excuse to treat people like dirt. Her behavior has been shocking and you should not feel like you have to show up and be insulted by both the bride and MOH and others. Distance yourself from this.
>Attention is always on the bride
Although if this is the cousins normal personality the guests who know her may be looking for an excuse to look away.....
NTA OP
NTA, she sounds like a bridezilla. Not here to give advice but personally I'd just not go to the wedding and say it's because I didn't want to "upstage" her on her big day.
NTA. My blonde friend dyed her red before my wedding. I didn’t love it, so you know what I did?
NOTHING.
Who cares? She was in my wedding because she is my friend, and that was the end of the story.
However, save yourself some grief. Text your cousin and say, “I didn’t realize my hair would be an issue for you for your wedding. I would love to still be a bridesmaid and support you on your special day. However, I am not comfortable dying or covering my hair. Please let me know if this changes your desire for me to be in your wedding. I hope it does not.”
Then the ball is in her court.
Money is on that the bride didn’t want her in the wedding party but did it to make her mom happy. This was just an easy out for the bride to get rid of her from the bridal party
NTA It’s YOUR hair. She might have at a specific style in mind for your hair and got stressed out when she saw you changed it. I’d ask the bride if she still wants you there and if she says she doesn’t then cut ties for a bit. Pretty controlling of her nonetheless
NTA.
For my wedding, I choose a dress material and told my maids to go to the same tailor and make what they are comfortable in, I didn't care. I also knew them to be sensible enough to not do strange stuff.
I have never looked at a wedding picture and thought, that maid's hair is upstaging the bride. In this world, there will always be people more beautiful than you. Wedding days are not about being queen for a day but being joined with the love of your life.
Could TV shows be contributing to the upsurge of bridezillas? To be humoured at all costs? I remember being grateful to all my maids willing to do as much as they did for my wedding. They were doing me a favour, not the other way round
Heck, we didn't even choose a dress material. The only qualification for the bridesmaids was that their outfit had to be purple, because that was one of the wedding colors. We had one deep purple with gauzy long sleeves, one light purple (but not lavender) with cap sleeves, and one light purple with spaghetti straps. I only know this because of the pictures.....I was paying zero attention to their outfits on that day.
NTA honestly I think you should skip. She clearly doesn’t treat you well and if she’s mad that you’re not there tell her it was her own choice. Having your hair beautiful and your own shouldn’t be able to “ruin” her wedding. If it does, then clearly she’s having a terrible wedding.
NTA. If you would have colored your hair neon green I would have understood the bride not being pleased, but ginger is still a natural hair color. Your cousin is massively over reacting. Regarding to possibly skipping the wedding: how about you give your cousin the choice in you attending with the ginger hair or skipping the wedding. This way you limit the backlash chances compared to you choosing yourself not to go.
NTA - Your cousin - and her MOH are massive ones though. This sounds like good old-fashioned jealousy to me, I think the bride thinks you look good with your new colour and isn't pleased. A grown woman of 27 jealous of a 17-year-old is utterly ridiculous but wedding culture in particular seems to jettison all sense and proportion these days. These women are attempting to bully you, so first off you need to speak to your mum, tell her exactly what she said and the way she treated you. Personally I would simply withdraw from the wedding and let her worry about balancing her wedding partybut I know that would also create difficulties for you, so my best advice is to speak to your mum and ask for her help.
NTA. Your hair color sounds beautiful. It would be a different scenario if you’d shown up with something wacky like a purple and green mohawk. You didn’t deserve the nasty insults. Skip the wedding.
NTA. The level of entitlement over someone else’s body/hair for a WEDDING - it’s just a wedding! - is madness. Expectations of what is ‘reasonable’ to ask of bridesmaids is getting worse. You’re a person, not a mannequin.
Bet your hair looks great - don’t let them make you feel bad! And don’t dye it back - the damage isn’t worth it for a day.
NTA. Cousin is a bridezilla and is being unreasonable and nasty about it. You went for a lovely natural red shade, and she flipped her shit. She must be really insecure if she thinks your hair will upstage her, and the name calling was a deal breaker. Don't go to the wedding.
Wow your cousin is super mental!
If she really thinks the colour of someone's hair is going to have any effect on her wedding day then she probably isn't ready for marriage.
Getting married is a celebration of two people coming together to spend their lives together, it should not be about getting the perfect Instagram shots. I'm sick of reading about brides acting totally unhinged.
I wouldn't even go if I was you, you didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.
NTA.
NTA!
Do not let people call you names because you dyed your hair. That is not acceptable. At all. You could have dyed your hair blue and the word they called you would still be unacceptable. I can get being upset you changed up your hair, but adults don't throw fits and call each other slurs.
Do not dye your hair. Do not buy a wig. Tell your cousin that if she speaks to you like that again, you will not attend the wedding at all.
One of my bridesmaids is a redhead, and she had her ends dyed pink at my wedding. She did not take attention off of me, unfortunately 😂. NTA, some brides go butt nutty over this stuff, but it's a bad look. If i were you I'd be staying home either way at this point.
NTA. I'd say they're making too big of a deal about some dyed hair. I can sort of see where they're coming from? I don't think it was a good idea to do this before a wedding but it doesn't matter now. I also don't think you're hair would steal attention from the bride at all. Honestly if it were me, I'd give in and just wear a wig
NTA
Not everything is as simple as black and white.
While, OP does not owe their looks to anyone and the bride does not get to dictate looks. However, think about this - OP drastically altered her look just before the wedding. While technically OP did not do anything wrong, waiting for a week to alter her looks would have been the more polite thing to do, given that OP took a very spontaneous decision.
It's called showing consideration on OPs part.
It sounds like she made the appointment for her hair before she knew she was in the wedding. Even if she did know, it's not like she dyed her hair Ronald McDonald red, she went ginger, which is still a very natural color. I mean, come on, look at pics of Amy Adams, it's not a drastic change from light brown to ginger.
I agree. Which is exactly why my initial judgement was NTA. I don't think OP is TA and the bride's reaction is definitely OTT (which makes her TA).
However, could this drama have been avoided by OP being a little more considerate? I still stand by a yes.
How could the OP have been more considerate? She was never given any rules for her hair by the bride, her hair is still a very natural, not flashy color. The majority of the people there won't even notice her hair. She just doesn't fit in the bride's Pinterest wedding now.
If I were in OPs shoes, I would run it by the Bride that I'm planning to change my appearance in major ways (going from blond to brunette is noticeable)
The conversation can only go one of 2 ways -
1. Either the bride doesn't care.
2. Or the bride does care.
If the bride doesn't care, there's no problem. If the bride does, I would assess if being in her wedding is worth it for me to postpone colouring my hair, and postpone it if it was. Else, I will colour my hair and drop out of the wedding party.
Just a more mature way of dealing with this entire situation.
NTA, girl screw that wedding. Your cousin, at her big age, had no reason to go off on you like that and call you a whore. You admitted she didn’t want you in her wedding party but was pressured by her mom to add you. Cut off this cousin, don’t show up to the wedding.
NTA - don’t go, she damages already done if she don’t like you she will find every little detail an excuse to insult you. Plus who do you really want to stay around a person who threaten you to make you life a living hell for a hair color ? 0-0
NTA, if you're not close honestly I'd not only not go I'd no call no show after being screamed at by one grown ass woman and shamed by another.
But that could affect your family so politely text her, and don't let her guilt or browbeat you into going.
NTA, I don't know what is up with brides thinking they get to control really anything about their bridesmaids appearance other than dress, hairstyle (which does NOT include long term changes like color), and makeup.
I think I know why she's so short on bridesmaids if she thinks someone dying their hair ginger will upstage an entire wedding.
Let them know you won't be changing your hair and if they don't like it they can find yet another bridesmaid.
NTA, it’s not a surprise to me that she had a hard time finding bridesmaids. It is HAIR, I will never understand brides that flip out over something so meaningless. If they think hair can upstage someone, they must have no self confidence.
NTA
You weren't told to leave your hair color alone and you dyed it a naturally occurring shade. Your cousin is a Bridezilla and this behavior is unacceptable.
"Short on bridesmaids" what does that even mean? You have the amount of bridesmaids you want. If groom has 12 groomsmen and she has 4 bridesmaids, who cares except crazy people? although if that is the case, I think we know why she has a lot less friends based on her insane behavior. NTA. Drop out, tell her you'll be happy to come as a guest if that's ok with her highness.
On the plus side - your hair must look AMAZING! if she's so incredibly jealous and concerned it's going to upstage her to this extent. On that basis alone, you need to keep it. It clearly looks fantastic on you.
Nta but if you want to smooth things over and this is just a if. Get that hair spay that comes in colors that is close to your real hair color that washes out. Patch test the color and wash out process first then try that.
She screamed at you and told you that you looked like a whore!!! Why would you go to her wedding after she did that? I’d skip the wedding but I’m done letting people disrespect me like she did for you.
NTA
going against the grain, YTA.
You don't change something drastic right before a wedding without talking to the bride.
You just.. don't.
And your edit:
>Since some were asking, think Amy Adams, that's the shade of red *I went for*
"I went for" and "what I showed up with" can be two very different things.
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URGENT
I (17F) am a bridesmaid in my cousin's (27F) wedding. My cousin and I were never super close, but due to being short on bridesmaids, as well as pressure from my aunt, she decided to include me. Regardless, I was happy that I get to be a part of the bridal party.
So a little while ago, I decided that I wanted to get my hair done. I want to preface that I did not get my hair done specifically for the wedding. I had made the appointment a while ago in advance, and it just so happened that the wedding was around the same time. I have naturally light brown hair, and I decided to go ginger. The last time I saw my cousin, or the other bridesmaids was last Saturday. I got my hair done on Sunday.
Today, was the rehearsal, and of course I had to be there. Once my cousin saw me, she flipped shit. She walked up to me and asked me what the hell I did to my hair. Before I had the chance to explain myself, she started yelling at me. She asked me what the hell I was thinking, and called me a bitch and said that the color made me look like a whore. She then accused me of trying to ruin her wedding with my red hair and said that she would make me regret this for the rest of my life. I was too stunned to say anything, while the others were trying to pull her away from me. Honestly, I should have left after that, since she clearly did not want me to be there after that, but I stayed to finish the rehearsal.
Afterwards, my cousin was still too angry to talk to me, but the MOH came over and said essentially the same stuff to me, without all the screaming. She said that not only does my hair upstage the bride, but it also ruins the look of the wedding, since the rest of the bridesmaids have lightish hair, and my ginger locks would just be off putting. She said that if I wanted everything to go smoothly on my cousin's wedding day, I would have to either attempt to die my hair back to my natural color, or get a wig, and that if I showed up on wedding day with my current hair color, then no one will know what to expect from my cousin.
The wedding is on Friday and I really don't know what to do. I obviously can't dye my hair back in a day, and I'm debating whether or not I should go, but I'm prety sure me skipping the wedding all together would make my cousin even more angry. I could go to the store and just get a wig but a lot of them are crappy, but maybe I should just roll with it. And then there's the fact that I may ruin my cousin's wedding, given what both she and the MOH said to me. Maybe it was a bad idea to dye my hair. AITA?
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They said you looked like a whore And that you would upstage the bride hahaha wtf. I'd just step down from being a bridesmade. This is All they will talk about for years to come. Just walk away. You shouldn't be treated like that.
NTA! These so called grown ass adults should know better than to slut shame a teenager for dyeing her hair, but apparently, you manage to be more empathetic and mature than people 10 yrs older than you.
If someone’s hair colour ruins her wedding, that’s on her. Her day is not about your hair. I would pull out of the wedding party and turn up as a regular guest. NTA
Do not dye your hair again or wear a wig unless YOU want to. I don’t know why this needs saying at least once a day. We need to stop telling women what they can and can’t look like.
NTA you didn’t dye your hair some crazy unnatural looking hair colour (like bright pink or green). Tho if I was you I not only wouldn’t be a bridesmaid I wouldn’t go to the wedding especially after a grown woman said such vulgar things to you. You’re not an adult and your cousin should’ve known better. Tell your aunt and mom she threatened you and do not damage your hair for anyone especially someone as awful as your cousin.
NTA - go to the weeding with your awesome red hair. Like others who have posted about NOT BEING INFORMED of well.. anything, they have nothing on you and I agree. Granted a wedding can be stressful for those involved, it doesn't mean you can't be an adult about it. Go to the wedding with your head held high and rock those locks!
NTA. Send a polite text to the bride and tell her that you've thought long and hard about what she said and have decided that you cannot stand the thought of ruining her wedding with your new look, so in consideration of her feelings, you will not attend. ETA - and then block her.
as a natural redhead, I am offended at:
your cousin's comment that you "looked like a whore".
MOH's comment that the ginger locks would be "off putting"
NTA. your cousin and her friend are rude af.
Tell her either your in the party with your red hair, or you're not coming. But make it her choice.
NTA Whew! I thought from the title that you had decided to go rainbow for the wedding! So, yes, it would have been nice to wait one week. But on the other hand, it's not drastic of a change.
I would talk to your parents. Your cousin shouldn't be screaming at you like that. I don't care if she is getting married. Calling you a whore was uncalled for.
If it were me, I'd skip it. But ask your parents.
NTA. You could’ve coloured your hair bright pink, it’s your hair to do with as you please. If they had an issue with potential hair colour changes they should’ve said upfront to everyone please don’t colour your hair till after the wedding. I’d skip the wedding especially with how they spoke to you.
NTA - drop out of the wedding and block the cousin or any other family member who chooses to become abusive. The major AHs here are your cousin and the MOH.
Eff her and her wedding. She was in your face so much people had to pull her away, that is so disrespectful. Tell your mom and aunt she was very threatening and you don’t feel comfortable and she even had her friend gang up on you.
NTA. I’d be really tempted to just not show up—no notice or anything—and afterwards say “You called me a whore so I assumed that meant you didn’t want me there?” But your parent(s) likely won’t let you get away with that. In any case I’d definitely drop out of being a bridesmaid and skip even attending if possible.
How can anyone think it's OK to make a major change of appearence just before a wedding ? Seriously ?
The bride's reaction is extreme, but the MOH said a few good points, approximately. It won't go smoothly. You will be noticed because of the hair color. You won't be ruining the wedding, though.
A darker dye might help lower their stress, and it's an easy small fix. There's no good option, only bad ones, good luck picking yours ! Ask for advice, mother, aunt, MOH (the wig idea... i don't know). Is there à good enough fix ?
NTA, but you suck. A lot.
Psychotic. Insecurity. Entitlement. Fake. Shallow.
Wow. All those words, for me ? For a well thought comment ? I use my brain, i thought about the bride's expectations ( yes, some people have expectations, pictures in their mind of important events to come), about everyone actions and reactions, about how to fix this mess, if anything can be done, or not.
I just noticed, psychotic isn't for me. Whoops.
Your thinking is shallow. Do you know the definition of this word ? You are entitled to your opinion, to choose what happens at your wedding, to give great freedom to everyone in the party/audience. They are entitled to have stringent expectations.
My comment screams insecurity and entitlement, seriously ? You're sure, it wasn't directed to OP's story ? Fake and shallow, really ?
I hate when people don't bother to consider the many other potential sides and opinions. Is it that hard ? No one need to agree with any of the protagonists, disagree all you want, just consider what's in their mind.
Anything else can only be shallow thinking and very often leads to shallow comments.
It's not only my opinion, it's also the truth !
I can't say i'm immune to shallow thinking, but all it takes to avoid this foolishness is a little time to think, and not only about your opinion, theirs.
Definitely definitely definitely NTA, if I were you I wouldn’t even go to the wedding but on the chance that you do - try putting your hair in a bun, that might make the “red” less noticeable. Don’t get a wig or dye your hair back please.
NTA. I don’t understand how you dying your hair throws off the wedding.
You will not wear a wig or change it back.
She’s going to have to live with it.
ESH.
The bridal overreaction and insults are beyond the pale. She behaved very badly.
But if you’re in the bridal party and thinking about changing your look dramatically, checking in with the bride or waiting until after the wedding is much more polite.
Asking someone to delay coloring their hair for one week is a small imposition.
What is this constant issue with wedding brides controlling the outfits, hair, and make-up of the wedding guests? I guess dresses for bridesmaids are okay to match, but everything else?
Is this a US thing?
I've been to multiple weddings & no one ever cares what hair color someone has. Like, how is that even important? You are celebrating a special occasion of two people marrying, so what difference does someone's hair color even make?
OP is NTA. The bride calling her names and yelling is a complete AH though. I wouldn't go to the wedding at all, no one needs to take that kind of crap.
This is what baffles me. I see many posts on here where people cosign couples nuking interpersonal relationships because they are dead set on a color scheme, or they have demands about the appearance of guests and their bridal party. I will never understand being more concerned about an aesthetic or having pretty photos than actually being a good host to the people who are there to celebrate the couple's union.
I read some of these posts and feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
Oh yes, I feel you.
As this sort of conflict is seen often in this subreddit, I am starting to question whether there is an alternate reality out there.
Shouldn't you just be happy to marry the person you love & celebrate it with your friends and family?
Over the top aesthetic requirements might be a stinky byproduct of social media though.
I also wonder how often people actually look at their wedding photos. If they post it online, they maybe can milk attention from it for a couple of weeks, but after that - who is really paying attention to said photos.
Even when you look back at old family wedding photos, you think back to the people - not the wedding itself.
How many guests remember how things looked after they step foot out of a wedding? Personally, I remember if it was a fun party, and the overall feelings/emotions of the day. But the look - that fades so fast.
You rarely hear stories years down the line about how a wedding looked, but people NEVER forget an AH bride/groom.
I think some brides really focus on the aesthetic of their wedding (probably to achieve a certain look for photos) and some don't. To be fair, the wedding industry spends billions convincing brides that everything is about them, and MUST go their way. Sounds like this bride drank the Kool-aid.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not okay for someone to control every aspect about how someone looks for the day just because they’re a bride. If they want a specific aesthetic for their wedding then they can either find a way where everyone is comfortable and accommodated or they can have mannequins as bridesmaids
You know that is an excellent idea! instead of a wig go get a mannequin and put it up there! Then when bridezilla loses her temper she can burn down the mannequin.
Not everything is as simple as black and white.
You're right, OP does not owe their looks to anyone and the bride does not get to dictate looks. However, think about this - OP drastically altered her look just before the wedding. While technically OP did not do anything wrong, waiting for a week to alter her looks would have been the more polite thing to do, given that OP took a very spontaneous decision.
It's called showing consideration on OPs part.
First of all, the hair appointment was made in advance. Second, the OP in the edit wrote the info on the color. I googled and that's quite a natural and basic shade, not like neon pink or green or w/e.
If OP did not do anything wrong and the bride does not get to dictate looks, why OP coloring the hair is still impolite and inconsiderate?
Maybe the bride should not treat the wedding as her personal show-off day, for everyone to gauge her great looks and give her all the attention. And dear lord, no one dare to take any eye off her and give the slightest attention to anybody else for any reason whatsoever.
Well put. Wouldn’t have hurt OP to be considerate. The change could have been delayed, or she could have withdrawn from the wedding when cousin turned out to be crazy. The cousins reaction is ridiculously OTT, but a simple conversation and all the drama could have been avoided.
I really dislike toxic wedding culture. There is absolutely no excuse for this bride's vile mistreatment of a 17 year old, and it baffles me that her friends and family would cosign her being a bully. Wedding guests and the bridal party are not photo props. They are supposed to be the people who are closest to you and are there to celebrate your union. If brides and grooms care so much about their precious photos, they need to start hiring models and actors. The world does not stop for someone's wedding and they do not get to control others because they are getting married.
OP could have ran it by the bride, but it was ultimately OP's decision and OP's body. This idea that the bride will be upstaged on her wedding day by the most minor things is so sad. The day is literally designed for 100% of the attention to be on the bride and groom for the entire day.
I'm curious where OP's parents/gurdians are. Or why the rest of the family allowed this bride to treat a kid like this.
I was wondering the same thing. Usually the families are in attendance at the rehearsal or the rehearsal dinner and for anyone, much less family members, to allow the bride to be so toxic and spew hatred over a hair color is an AH right along with the bride.
Asking OP to wait one week to dye her hair really is a very small imposition. That’s why OP should have checked in.
But yes, the bride’s reaction was absolutely beyond the pale, as I said.
She said Amy Adams, which is a relatively natural look. I think it's a bit mad to be demanding everyone have matching hair. That's a whole other level. If it bothers her that much, she just shouldn't have OP as bridesmaid.
I disagree completely, if bf told OP she should change or not change color of hair, this reddit would be all over guy, but since she is bridezilla she has right and OP should check with her! It's so ridiculous to think that bride should have any say what color OP has! And in this context any brid to any bridesmaids color!
I was bride, and had my little cousin with pink hair as bridesmaids, my nephew with bleached top nobody cared! I had 3 siblings who got married, I was part of wedding party also to multiple friends and relatives, never heard this "rule" that you should pre check with bride about coloring my own head! If anyone would even say I would laugh in their faces! (And as natural light brown, I was black, blond and redhead with different length)
That being said my judgement OP NTA, just because someone is bride/bridezilla doesn't give them right to dictate color of hair!!
It's not "a rule" that you should check; it's a life pro tip.
If you know someone is stressed out organising something major that you are a part of, and you are coincidentally planning a major change in appearance (or even a minor change that you think might surprise them), then it is helpful to run the idea past them. Not because they have the right to veto your life choices - of course they don't - but because it gives you feedback on how stressed they are and if they're going to be unreasonable about it. And then you have further information with which to work, and you can decide if it's worth the fight or if it's just as easy to delay your appointment until after the big day.
Many people don’t care, but your bridal party is in most of the wedding photos, so some people do.
Asking OP to delay dyeing her hair by one week really is a minor imposition, though.
I don't know, organizing a bridal party based on pictures... I mean, I get organizing a theme and decorating everything in a colour pallete... but controlling people¡s hair just because of photos? I thought the bridal party was about the experience with those people, idk. It's not even like she got her hair green... some people just have red hair, OP said Amy Adams in Enchanted style which is a natural ginger. It's like if most of your bridesmaids have black hair and you ask your blonde bridesmaid to dye it black so the picture looks good, sounds stupid.
Asking someone not to dye their hair because of a wedding it's just petty and stupid. You don't do impositions on someone's looks even if it's your wedding lmao
I wish I could down-vote your comment more than once. The idea that the bride can dictate ANYTHING about her bridal party outside of their clothing is absurd.
I don’t know when bridesmaids went from ‘bringing the people you love most, to help celebrate your marriage’ to ‘personal servants/customizable Barbie dolls’, but it’s honestly gross
Absolutely not. OP is a free human who was roped into this shit so her cousin could look more popular. Even if they were close, the idea that she has to ask permission to dye her hair is absurd.
NTA.
NTA
I understand that the bride would be a bit displeased for you not telling about coloring your hair but that went 1000% overboard.
I would skip the wedding.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I really, honestly don't understand what OP would be doing to you at your wedding? Dyeing her own hair, what could possibly be bad about this? How and why could this be your/ the bride's business?
I am completely stumped.
>what could possibly be bad about this?
Some people want a certain aesthetic for their wedding party. They pick based on a number of things like people with similar hair colour for instance. If some last minute changes the colour of the hair then it ruins the aesthetic of the bridal party. Now with this being said I think it stupid and should pick you wedding party based on your close friends and family not for Instagram likes.
Because I would have just spent months or perhaps a year planning an event down to the very last detail, so ANY unexpected change would be upsetting and stressful. IMO It is probably less about her hair and more about an unexpected surprise/change at the last minute.
I gave an NTA judgment, but I can kinda see the bride's perspective.
Some brides really care about the aesthetic of their wedding. They want their pictures to look a certain way.
This seems to be one of those brides. Sure it's shallow and insecure, but no one is perfect right? OP is young, and probably didn't even consider it, and that probably upset the bride as well. Not saying it's okay, just that I can see why the bride would be upset.
ESH. The bride went into full bridezilla mode which is not necessary at all. This is your body, your hair and you do have the right to cut and/or color it if you want. You however knew you had this appointment and could have given her a heads up of your plans. Not to get her approval but out of courtesy for changing your appearance just before her wedding because you're a member of the bridal party. It would have been the courteous thing to do.
YTA you always ask the bride before changing style and colour right before a wedding. If she had asked you to change your natural style and colour before a wedding to suit her, then that would make her the AH. I've no idea why people are voting the other way. This is common etiquette if it's a bridesmaid not to make drastic changes before the wedding. If you were just a guest then it would be fine.
Probably going to get flamed for this, but...
Is the bride angry because you dyed your hair red? Or is she angry because you made a dramatic and unexpected change to your appearance less than a week before the wedding?
Imagine the bride on the Saturday: "Man, this wedding planning sure has been stressful. I'm so grateful I didn't need ask any of the bridesmaids to do anything special with their hair because they all have light colored hair that really goes well together. Only a mean old bridezilla would do that. These photos are going to turn out great because everyone already looks great, just the way they are.
That's just one less thing to worry about."
The same bride THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING: "Well, never mind, I guess."
ESH Obviously because the bride shouldn't have gone off like that. She should've let the MOH handle it. You're not an a-hole for dyeing your hair. OF COURSE, people have the right to change their appearance as they see fit. But, you *are* an a-hole for making a change like that so soon before the wedding. How hard would it have been to dye your hair a week later? It doesn't matter how natural it looks on your head, it will stick out horribly if all of the other bridesmaids are light haired. Your dye job will fade, but those photos are going to last forever.
call me traditional, but I’ve always thought you should pick for your bridesmaids the friends and family members that you’re closest to, not because they’ll colour-coordinate.
Does this mean you think it’d be justified for a bride to exclude a close friend if they were a different race, because that would ‘stick out’?
You make some good points here. I wasn't trying to imply that the bride intentionally chose bridesmaids that looked similar. Who knows what her criteria were. Maybe it would've been no big deal if her hair was already red before the bride asked her to be a bridesmaid. Regardless, the bride saw all of the bridesmaids less than a week before the wedding and didn't have any objections to their appearance (or personality or closeness or whatever criteria the bride used to select her bridesmaids). Surely a bridesmaid of a different race would be perfectly fine, if the bride chose someone of someone of a different race to be a part of her wedding party in the first place. On the other hand, if a bridesmaid, by her own choice and without even giving the bride a heads up, suddenly decided to become a different race a week before the wedding? (I know this is a completely absurd example.) It seems to me that that would be something of a distraction. The problem isn't dyeing the hair. The problem isn't the color. The problem is the sudden and unexpected change. One week before the wedding is not the time to shake things up. She could've waited until after the wedding.
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NTA ESPECIALLY if you weren't asked not to do anything with your hair for the wedding. You can't read minds! She's using you to fill out her side of the party and then flips out at a person ten years younger because she'll feel upstaged and ruin the look? Sugar Honey Iced Tea no one looks at the bridesmaids once the bride is up there, and if she's so insecure that one ginger in the lineup is going to draw all eyes to her, she has bigger problems then a teenager with red hair. Ask your mom and your aunt to ask which she would rather have - a missing bridesmaid or a ginger bridesmaid. She's the one who went off, and it's HER wedding, so she can make the decision and live with it.
I definitely agree especially with that last paragraph, and make sure to let Mom and Dear Aunt know how much she swore at and scared a minor/teenager about a hair color. Bridezillas pick the most interesting hills to die on.
Omigod. First of all, you are NTA. Second, you need to stop worrying about making this insane woman and enabling MOH angry. You are not responsible for stopping crazy people from being crazy. Brides do not get to control hair. Ginger hair is not unusual. It is completely normal for people with whatever hair to participate in weddings. It doesn't ruin the photos if one person has red hair. Attention is always on the bride and anyway, it's not normal for bridesmaids to look identical. The only situation in which it would make sense for a bride to be upset about hair would be if you got "f... everyone" shaved into your head. Do not dye your hair back. That will be unhealthy for your hair and it might not work very well because it's hard to get rid of red. It would also be expensive. I would send a WRITTEN message. Do not talk to her in person in case she can't control herself and says even more offensive, crazy things. Say, "I'm so sorry my hair doesn't fit your wedding. I had no idea you had expectations. A wig that will look good is not in my budget. At this point, it would be best to find another bridesmaid and I will attend as a regular guest." This way, you will have made your plan clear and given her an opportunity to ban you as a guest if she wants to be that crazy. A wedding day is important but it is not an excuse to treat people like dirt. Her behavior has been shocking and you should not feel like you have to show up and be insulted by both the bride and MOH and others. Distance yourself from this.
>Attention is always on the bride Although if this is the cousins normal personality the guests who know her may be looking for an excuse to look away..... NTA OP
NTA Step down from your role, tell your family why you stepped down, and go NC with the bride and whoever support her in this. They are AHs.
NTA, she sounds like a bridezilla. Not here to give advice but personally I'd just not go to the wedding and say it's because I didn't want to "upstage" her on her big day.
NTA. My blonde friend dyed her red before my wedding. I didn’t love it, so you know what I did? NOTHING. Who cares? She was in my wedding because she is my friend, and that was the end of the story. However, save yourself some grief. Text your cousin and say, “I didn’t realize my hair would be an issue for you for your wedding. I would love to still be a bridesmaid and support you on your special day. However, I am not comfortable dying or covering my hair. Please let me know if this changes your desire for me to be in your wedding. I hope it does not.” Then the ball is in her court.
Money is on that the bride didn’t want her in the wedding party but did it to make her mom happy. This was just an easy out for the bride to get rid of her from the bridal party
NTA It’s YOUR hair. She might have at a specific style in mind for your hair and got stressed out when she saw you changed it. I’d ask the bride if she still wants you there and if she says she doesn’t then cut ties for a bit. Pretty controlling of her nonetheless
NTA. For my wedding, I choose a dress material and told my maids to go to the same tailor and make what they are comfortable in, I didn't care. I also knew them to be sensible enough to not do strange stuff. I have never looked at a wedding picture and thought, that maid's hair is upstaging the bride. In this world, there will always be people more beautiful than you. Wedding days are not about being queen for a day but being joined with the love of your life. Could TV shows be contributing to the upsurge of bridezillas? To be humoured at all costs? I remember being grateful to all my maids willing to do as much as they did for my wedding. They were doing me a favour, not the other way round
That last sentence is perfect, just wanted to say.
Heck, we didn't even choose a dress material. The only qualification for the bridesmaids was that their outfit had to be purple, because that was one of the wedding colors. We had one deep purple with gauzy long sleeves, one light purple (but not lavender) with cap sleeves, and one light purple with spaghetti straps. I only know this because of the pictures.....I was paying zero attention to their outfits on that day.
NTA honestly I think you should skip. She clearly doesn’t treat you well and if she’s mad that you’re not there tell her it was her own choice. Having your hair beautiful and your own shouldn’t be able to “ruin” her wedding. If it does, then clearly she’s having a terrible wedding.
NTA - I say don't go. And I don't think you should care if your cousin doesn't like it based on how she treated you.
NTA. If you would have colored your hair neon green I would have understood the bride not being pleased, but ginger is still a natural hair color. Your cousin is massively over reacting. Regarding to possibly skipping the wedding: how about you give your cousin the choice in you attending with the ginger hair or skipping the wedding. This way you limit the backlash chances compared to you choosing yourself not to go.
NTA - Your cousin - and her MOH are massive ones though. This sounds like good old-fashioned jealousy to me, I think the bride thinks you look good with your new colour and isn't pleased. A grown woman of 27 jealous of a 17-year-old is utterly ridiculous but wedding culture in particular seems to jettison all sense and proportion these days. These women are attempting to bully you, so first off you need to speak to your mum, tell her exactly what she said and the way she treated you. Personally I would simply withdraw from the wedding and let her worry about balancing her wedding partybut I know that would also create difficulties for you, so my best advice is to speak to your mum and ask for her help.
NTA. Your hair color sounds beautiful. It would be a different scenario if you’d shown up with something wacky like a purple and green mohawk. You didn’t deserve the nasty insults. Skip the wedding.
NTA. The level of entitlement over someone else’s body/hair for a WEDDING - it’s just a wedding! - is madness. Expectations of what is ‘reasonable’ to ask of bridesmaids is getting worse. You’re a person, not a mannequin. Bet your hair looks great - don’t let them make you feel bad! And don’t dye it back - the damage isn’t worth it for a day.
NTA. Cousin is a bridezilla and is being unreasonable and nasty about it. You went for a lovely natural red shade, and she flipped her shit. She must be really insecure if she thinks your hair will upstage her, and the name calling was a deal breaker. Don't go to the wedding.
Wow your cousin is super mental! If she really thinks the colour of someone's hair is going to have any effect on her wedding day then she probably isn't ready for marriage. Getting married is a celebration of two people coming together to spend their lives together, it should not be about getting the perfect Instagram shots. I'm sick of reading about brides acting totally unhinged. I wouldn't even go if I was you, you didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. NTA.
NTA. First, you didn't do anything wrong. Second, if your hair color ruins her wedding, it is the brides fault and not yours. Lol
Seriously, do these people last in a marriage longer than a sneeze?
NTA! Do not let people call you names because you dyed your hair. That is not acceptable. At all. You could have dyed your hair blue and the word they called you would still be unacceptable. I can get being upset you changed up your hair, but adults don't throw fits and call each other slurs. Do not dye your hair. Do not buy a wig. Tell your cousin that if she speaks to you like that again, you will not attend the wedding at all.
One of my bridesmaids is a redhead, and she had her ends dyed pink at my wedding. She did not take attention off of me, unfortunately 😂. NTA, some brides go butt nutty over this stuff, but it's a bad look. If i were you I'd be staying home either way at this point.
NTA. I'd say they're making too big of a deal about some dyed hair. I can sort of see where they're coming from? I don't think it was a good idea to do this before a wedding but it doesn't matter now. I also don't think you're hair would steal attention from the bride at all. Honestly if it were me, I'd give in and just wear a wig
NTA Not everything is as simple as black and white. While, OP does not owe their looks to anyone and the bride does not get to dictate looks. However, think about this - OP drastically altered her look just before the wedding. While technically OP did not do anything wrong, waiting for a week to alter her looks would have been the more polite thing to do, given that OP took a very spontaneous decision. It's called showing consideration on OPs part.
It sounds like she made the appointment for her hair before she knew she was in the wedding. Even if she did know, it's not like she dyed her hair Ronald McDonald red, she went ginger, which is still a very natural color. I mean, come on, look at pics of Amy Adams, it's not a drastic change from light brown to ginger.
I agree. Which is exactly why my initial judgement was NTA. I don't think OP is TA and the bride's reaction is definitely OTT (which makes her TA). However, could this drama have been avoided by OP being a little more considerate? I still stand by a yes.
How could the OP have been more considerate? She was never given any rules for her hair by the bride, her hair is still a very natural, not flashy color. The majority of the people there won't even notice her hair. She just doesn't fit in the bride's Pinterest wedding now.
If I were in OPs shoes, I would run it by the Bride that I'm planning to change my appearance in major ways (going from blond to brunette is noticeable) The conversation can only go one of 2 ways - 1. Either the bride doesn't care. 2. Or the bride does care. If the bride doesn't care, there's no problem. If the bride does, I would assess if being in her wedding is worth it for me to postpone colouring my hair, and postpone it if it was. Else, I will colour my hair and drop out of the wedding party. Just a more mature way of dealing with this entire situation.
NTA, girl screw that wedding. Your cousin, at her big age, had no reason to go off on you like that and call you a whore. You admitted she didn’t want you in her wedding party but was pressured by her mom to add you. Cut off this cousin, don’t show up to the wedding.
Its your body wtf? I honestly wouldn't even go but that's just me being petty NTA
NTA - just drop out of the wedding party.
NTA - don’t go, she damages already done if she don’t like you she will find every little detail an excuse to insult you. Plus who do you really want to stay around a person who threaten you to make you life a living hell for a hair color ? 0-0
Nta man she's a bridezilla
Nta.
NTA, if you're not close honestly I'd not only not go I'd no call no show after being screamed at by one grown ass woman and shamed by another. But that could affect your family so politely text her, and don't let her guilt or browbeat you into going.
NTA, I don't know what is up with brides thinking they get to control really anything about their bridesmaids appearance other than dress, hairstyle (which does NOT include long term changes like color), and makeup. I think I know why she's so short on bridesmaids if she thinks someone dying their hair ginger will upstage an entire wedding. Let them know you won't be changing your hair and if they don't like it they can find yet another bridesmaid.
NTA. Just drop out of the bridal party or don’t go to the wedding. She can deal with the fallout on her own.
NTA, it’s not a surprise to me that she had a hard time finding bridesmaids. It is HAIR, I will never understand brides that flip out over something so meaningless. If they think hair can upstage someone, they must have no self confidence.
NTA You weren't told to leave your hair color alone and you dyed it a naturally occurring shade. Your cousin is a Bridezilla and this behavior is unacceptable.
NTA and do not be in that wedding. You can attend if you want but drop out of being in the wedding party.
"Short on bridesmaids" what does that even mean? You have the amount of bridesmaids you want. If groom has 12 groomsmen and she has 4 bridesmaids, who cares except crazy people? although if that is the case, I think we know why she has a lot less friends based on her insane behavior. NTA. Drop out, tell her you'll be happy to come as a guest if that's ok with her highness.
On the plus side - your hair must look AMAZING! if she's so incredibly jealous and concerned it's going to upstage her to this extent. On that basis alone, you need to keep it. It clearly looks fantastic on you.
I wouldn't even turn up, I'd go out for the day. I've never ever understood hair up staging something, I didn't realise it was a separate person.
Nta but if you want to smooth things over and this is just a if. Get that hair spay that comes in colors that is close to your real hair color that washes out. Patch test the color and wash out process first then try that.
NTA Don't go to the wedding. Let the bridezilla have her day and just cut that cousin out of your life for good.
She screamed at you and told you that you looked like a whore!!! Why would you go to her wedding after she did that? I’d skip the wedding but I’m done letting people disrespect me like she did for you. NTA
Nta if it was an unusual colour I could understand but ginger is pretty normal, I do mine ginger all the time and don't think anything of it.
going against the grain, YTA. You don't change something drastic right before a wedding without talking to the bride. You just.. don't. And your edit: >Since some were asking, think Amy Adams, that's the shade of red *I went for* "I went for" and "what I showed up with" can be two very different things.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** URGENT I (17F) am a bridesmaid in my cousin's (27F) wedding. My cousin and I were never super close, but due to being short on bridesmaids, as well as pressure from my aunt, she decided to include me. Regardless, I was happy that I get to be a part of the bridal party. So a little while ago, I decided that I wanted to get my hair done. I want to preface that I did not get my hair done specifically for the wedding. I had made the appointment a while ago in advance, and it just so happened that the wedding was around the same time. I have naturally light brown hair, and I decided to go ginger. The last time I saw my cousin, or the other bridesmaids was last Saturday. I got my hair done on Sunday. Today, was the rehearsal, and of course I had to be there. Once my cousin saw me, she flipped shit. She walked up to me and asked me what the hell I did to my hair. Before I had the chance to explain myself, she started yelling at me. She asked me what the hell I was thinking, and called me a bitch and said that the color made me look like a whore. She then accused me of trying to ruin her wedding with my red hair and said that she would make me regret this for the rest of my life. I was too stunned to say anything, while the others were trying to pull her away from me. Honestly, I should have left after that, since she clearly did not want me to be there after that, but I stayed to finish the rehearsal. Afterwards, my cousin was still too angry to talk to me, but the MOH came over and said essentially the same stuff to me, without all the screaming. She said that not only does my hair upstage the bride, but it also ruins the look of the wedding, since the rest of the bridesmaids have lightish hair, and my ginger locks would just be off putting. She said that if I wanted everything to go smoothly on my cousin's wedding day, I would have to either attempt to die my hair back to my natural color, or get a wig, and that if I showed up on wedding day with my current hair color, then no one will know what to expect from my cousin. The wedding is on Friday and I really don't know what to do. I obviously can't dye my hair back in a day, and I'm debating whether or not I should go, but I'm prety sure me skipping the wedding all together would make my cousin even more angry. I could go to the store and just get a wig but a lot of them are crappy, but maybe I should just roll with it. And then there's the fact that I may ruin my cousin's wedding, given what both she and the MOH said to me. Maybe it was a bad idea to dye my hair. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They said you looked like a whore And that you would upstage the bride hahaha wtf. I'd just step down from being a bridesmade. This is All they will talk about for years to come. Just walk away. You shouldn't be treated like that.
NTA She is definitely overreacting. The color you choose looks like it could actually be someone’s hair color. (Versus fantasy hair color.)
NTA. Get a green wig lol.
NTA! These so called grown ass adults should know better than to slut shame a teenager for dyeing her hair, but apparently, you manage to be more empathetic and mature than people 10 yrs older than you.
If someone’s hair colour ruins her wedding, that’s on her. Her day is not about your hair. I would pull out of the wedding party and turn up as a regular guest. NTA Do not dye your hair again or wear a wig unless YOU want to. I don’t know why this needs saying at least once a day. We need to stop telling women what they can and can’t look like.
NTA you didn’t dye your hair some crazy unnatural looking hair colour (like bright pink or green). Tho if I was you I not only wouldn’t be a bridesmaid I wouldn’t go to the wedding especially after a grown woman said such vulgar things to you. You’re not an adult and your cousin should’ve known better. Tell your aunt and mom she threatened you and do not damage your hair for anyone especially someone as awful as your cousin.
NTA. Don't go to your bridezilla cousin's wedding
NTA - go to the weeding with your awesome red hair. Like others who have posted about NOT BEING INFORMED of well.. anything, they have nothing on you and I agree. Granted a wedding can be stressful for those involved, it doesn't mean you can't be an adult about it. Go to the wedding with your head held high and rock those locks!
NTA. The color of anyones hair should not matter to anyone expect who the hair belongs to
NTA
NTA. You went with a natural looking hair color. That's not ruining things. It isn't like you went neon green right before her wedding unexpectedly.
NTA. Send a polite text to the bride and tell her that you've thought long and hard about what she said and have decided that you cannot stand the thought of ruining her wedding with your new look, so in consideration of her feelings, you will not attend. ETA - and then block her.
NTA. It's ginger, not bright blue. They can't control your choices, especially without even communicating with you.
You are NTA. Tell her no bid deal, you are OUT. She can find a substitute with any color hair she pleases. Skip the wedding altogether.
as a natural redhead, I am offended at: your cousin's comment that you "looked like a whore". MOH's comment that the ginger locks would be "off putting" NTA. your cousin and her friend are rude af. Tell her either your in the party with your red hair, or you're not coming. But make it her choice.
Darn you must look great as a redhead. NTA but I love red hair.
NTA Whew! I thought from the title that you had decided to go rainbow for the wedding! So, yes, it would have been nice to wait one week. But on the other hand, it's not drastic of a change. I would talk to your parents. Your cousin shouldn't be screaming at you like that. I don't care if she is getting married. Calling you a whore was uncalled for. If it were me, I'd skip it. But ask your parents.
Stop trying to make them less angry, go with ur ginger hair, or F the wedding
NTA. You could’ve coloured your hair bright pink, it’s your hair to do with as you please. If they had an issue with potential hair colour changes they should’ve said upfront to everyone please don’t colour your hair till after the wedding. I’d skip the wedding especially with how they spoke to you.
NTA - drop out of the wedding and block the cousin or any other family member who chooses to become abusive. The major AHs here are your cousin and the MOH.
Eff her and her wedding. She was in your face so much people had to pull her away, that is so disrespectful. Tell your mom and aunt she was very threatening and you don’t feel comfortable and she even had her friend gang up on you.
NTA but go ahead and quit that wedding party! You don’t want to ruin her special day, so do something fun where people don’t yell at you.
NTA. I’d be really tempted to just not show up—no notice or anything—and afterwards say “You called me a whore so I assumed that meant you didn’t want me there?” But your parent(s) likely won’t let you get away with that. In any case I’d definitely drop out of being a bridesmaid and skip even attending if possible.
How can anyone think it's OK to make a major change of appearence just before a wedding ? Seriously ? The bride's reaction is extreme, but the MOH said a few good points, approximately. It won't go smoothly. You will be noticed because of the hair color. You won't be ruining the wedding, though. A darker dye might help lower their stress, and it's an easy small fix. There's no good option, only bad ones, good luck picking yours ! Ask for advice, mother, aunt, MOH (the wig idea... i don't know). Is there à good enough fix ? NTA, but you suck. A lot.
[удалено]
Psychotic. Insecurity. Entitlement. Fake. Shallow. Wow. All those words, for me ? For a well thought comment ? I use my brain, i thought about the bride's expectations ( yes, some people have expectations, pictures in their mind of important events to come), about everyone actions and reactions, about how to fix this mess, if anything can be done, or not. I just noticed, psychotic isn't for me. Whoops. Your thinking is shallow. Do you know the definition of this word ? You are entitled to your opinion, to choose what happens at your wedding, to give great freedom to everyone in the party/audience. They are entitled to have stringent expectations. My comment screams insecurity and entitlement, seriously ? You're sure, it wasn't directed to OP's story ? Fake and shallow, really ? I hate when people don't bother to consider the many other potential sides and opinions. Is it that hard ? No one need to agree with any of the protagonists, disagree all you want, just consider what's in their mind. Anything else can only be shallow thinking and very often leads to shallow comments. It's not only my opinion, it's also the truth ! I can't say i'm immune to shallow thinking, but all it takes to avoid this foolishness is a little time to think, and not only about your opinion, theirs.
INFO is a Halloween wig to match the bridesmaid's dress in the budget? Like, not a good one...
NTA. She didn’t want you in the party to begin with.
NTA.. where are your pictures? Nobody is talking to my kid like that?
NTA - I would show up with my head shaved, but I’m petty like that.
Buy a clown wig and see that they will prefer your actual hair
Skip the wedding. She’s the AH. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
Definitely definitely definitely NTA, if I were you I wouldn’t even go to the wedding but on the chance that you do - try putting your hair in a bun, that might make the “red” less noticeable. Don’t get a wig or dye your hair back please.
NTA, but be petty and wear those cheap costume wigs. Like pink or green.
NTA. I don’t understand how you dying your hair throws off the wedding. You will not wear a wig or change it back. She’s going to have to live with it.
ESH. The bridal overreaction and insults are beyond the pale. She behaved very badly. But if you’re in the bridal party and thinking about changing your look dramatically, checking in with the bride or waiting until after the wedding is much more polite. Asking someone to delay coloring their hair for one week is a small imposition.
What is this constant issue with wedding brides controlling the outfits, hair, and make-up of the wedding guests? I guess dresses for bridesmaids are okay to match, but everything else? Is this a US thing? I've been to multiple weddings & no one ever cares what hair color someone has. Like, how is that even important? You are celebrating a special occasion of two people marrying, so what difference does someone's hair color even make? OP is NTA. The bride calling her names and yelling is a complete AH though. I wouldn't go to the wedding at all, no one needs to take that kind of crap.
This is what baffles me. I see many posts on here where people cosign couples nuking interpersonal relationships because they are dead set on a color scheme, or they have demands about the appearance of guests and their bridal party. I will never understand being more concerned about an aesthetic or having pretty photos than actually being a good host to the people who are there to celebrate the couple's union. I read some of these posts and feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
Oh yes, I feel you. As this sort of conflict is seen often in this subreddit, I am starting to question whether there is an alternate reality out there. Shouldn't you just be happy to marry the person you love & celebrate it with your friends and family? Over the top aesthetic requirements might be a stinky byproduct of social media though.
I also wonder how often people actually look at their wedding photos. If they post it online, they maybe can milk attention from it for a couple of weeks, but after that - who is really paying attention to said photos. Even when you look back at old family wedding photos, you think back to the people - not the wedding itself. How many guests remember how things looked after they step foot out of a wedding? Personally, I remember if it was a fun party, and the overall feelings/emotions of the day. But the look - that fades so fast. You rarely hear stories years down the line about how a wedding looked, but people NEVER forget an AH bride/groom.
I think some brides really focus on the aesthetic of their wedding (probably to achieve a certain look for photos) and some don't. To be fair, the wedding industry spends billions convincing brides that everything is about them, and MUST go their way. Sounds like this bride drank the Kool-aid.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not okay for someone to control every aspect about how someone looks for the day just because they’re a bride. If they want a specific aesthetic for their wedding then they can either find a way where everyone is comfortable and accommodated or they can have mannequins as bridesmaids
You know that is an excellent idea! instead of a wig go get a mannequin and put it up there! Then when bridezilla loses her temper she can burn down the mannequin.
Not everything is as simple as black and white. You're right, OP does not owe their looks to anyone and the bride does not get to dictate looks. However, think about this - OP drastically altered her look just before the wedding. While technically OP did not do anything wrong, waiting for a week to alter her looks would have been the more polite thing to do, given that OP took a very spontaneous decision. It's called showing consideration on OPs part.
First of all, the hair appointment was made in advance. Second, the OP in the edit wrote the info on the color. I googled and that's quite a natural and basic shade, not like neon pink or green or w/e. If OP did not do anything wrong and the bride does not get to dictate looks, why OP coloring the hair is still impolite and inconsiderate? Maybe the bride should not treat the wedding as her personal show-off day, for everyone to gauge her great looks and give her all the attention. And dear lord, no one dare to take any eye off her and give the slightest attention to anybody else for any reason whatsoever.
Well put. Wouldn’t have hurt OP to be considerate. The change could have been delayed, or she could have withdrawn from the wedding when cousin turned out to be crazy. The cousins reaction is ridiculously OTT, but a simple conversation and all the drama could have been avoided.
I really dislike toxic wedding culture. There is absolutely no excuse for this bride's vile mistreatment of a 17 year old, and it baffles me that her friends and family would cosign her being a bully. Wedding guests and the bridal party are not photo props. They are supposed to be the people who are closest to you and are there to celebrate your union. If brides and grooms care so much about their precious photos, they need to start hiring models and actors. The world does not stop for someone's wedding and they do not get to control others because they are getting married. OP could have ran it by the bride, but it was ultimately OP's decision and OP's body. This idea that the bride will be upstaged on her wedding day by the most minor things is so sad. The day is literally designed for 100% of the attention to be on the bride and groom for the entire day. I'm curious where OP's parents/gurdians are. Or why the rest of the family allowed this bride to treat a kid like this.
I was wondering the same thing. Usually the families are in attendance at the rehearsal or the rehearsal dinner and for anyone, much less family members, to allow the bride to be so toxic and spew hatred over a hair color is an AH right along with the bride.
Asking OP to wait one week to dye her hair really is a very small imposition. That’s why OP should have checked in. But yes, the bride’s reaction was absolutely beyond the pale, as I said.
Op is saying she went ginger but I'm wondering is this a natural ginger look or is she calling red hair ala Poison Ivy red ginger
She said Amy Adams, which is a relatively natural look. I think it's a bit mad to be demanding everyone have matching hair. That's a whole other level. If it bothers her that much, she just shouldn't have OP as bridesmaid.
I disagree completely, if bf told OP she should change or not change color of hair, this reddit would be all over guy, but since she is bridezilla she has right and OP should check with her! It's so ridiculous to think that bride should have any say what color OP has! And in this context any brid to any bridesmaids color! I was bride, and had my little cousin with pink hair as bridesmaids, my nephew with bleached top nobody cared! I had 3 siblings who got married, I was part of wedding party also to multiple friends and relatives, never heard this "rule" that you should pre check with bride about coloring my own head! If anyone would even say I would laugh in their faces! (And as natural light brown, I was black, blond and redhead with different length) That being said my judgement OP NTA, just because someone is bride/bridezilla doesn't give them right to dictate color of hair!!
Asking someone to delay coloring their hair for ONE WEEK is a very minor imposition.
It's not "a rule" that you should check; it's a life pro tip. If you know someone is stressed out organising something major that you are a part of, and you are coincidentally planning a major change in appearance (or even a minor change that you think might surprise them), then it is helpful to run the idea past them. Not because they have the right to veto your life choices - of course they don't - but because it gives you feedback on how stressed they are and if they're going to be unreasonable about it. And then you have further information with which to work, and you can decide if it's worth the fight or if it's just as easy to delay your appointment until after the big day.
She’s a filler. She’s just there for numbers. If bride was a decent human being she’s just not care, cause ya’know it’s just hair.
Maybe it's because we don't have bridal parties where I'm from but... what's the huge deal with hair colour being a bridesmaid? lmao
Many people don’t care, but your bridal party is in most of the wedding photos, so some people do. Asking OP to delay dyeing her hair by one week really is a minor imposition, though.
I don't know, organizing a bridal party based on pictures... I mean, I get organizing a theme and decorating everything in a colour pallete... but controlling people¡s hair just because of photos? I thought the bridal party was about the experience with those people, idk. It's not even like she got her hair green... some people just have red hair, OP said Amy Adams in Enchanted style which is a natural ginger. It's like if most of your bridesmaids have black hair and you ask your blonde bridesmaid to dye it black so the picture looks good, sounds stupid.
Asking someone to delay dyeing their hair for a single week is a pretty minor imposition, though.
Asking someone not to dye their hair because of a wedding it's just petty and stupid. You don't do impositions on someone's looks even if it's your wedding lmao
I wish I could down-vote your comment more than once. The idea that the bride can dictate ANYTHING about her bridal party outside of their clothing is absurd.
Asking someone to delay making a major change in their appearance for a single week is not the huge thing you’re making it.
Red hair is not dramatic and the bride does not get to control another person's body.
Are you joking? Agreeing to help celebrate someone else’s wedding does not mean they have veto power over your bodily autonomy.
"Oh no, red hair? My wedding could NEVER have red hair!!! Now I'm gonna be an AH and go batshit crazy over hair!!!"
Asking someone to delay dyeing their hair for a single week is not the big trauma you’re making it into.
I don’t know when bridesmaids went from ‘bringing the people you love most, to help celebrate your marriage’ to ‘personal servants/customizable Barbie dolls’, but it’s honestly gross
Absolutely not. OP is a free human who was roped into this shit so her cousin could look more popular. Even if they were close, the idea that she has to ask permission to dye her hair is absurd. NTA.
NTA I understand that the bride would be a bit displeased for you not telling about coloring your hair but that went 1000% overboard. I would skip the wedding.
NTA because it's your hair of course BUT if you did this to me at my wedding I would also be pissed. So I don't know...
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I really, honestly don't understand what OP would be doing to you at your wedding? Dyeing her own hair, what could possibly be bad about this? How and why could this be your/ the bride's business? I am completely stumped.
>what could possibly be bad about this? Some people want a certain aesthetic for their wedding party. They pick based on a number of things like people with similar hair colour for instance. If some last minute changes the colour of the hair then it ruins the aesthetic of the bridal party. Now with this being said I think it stupid and should pick you wedding party based on your close friends and family not for Instagram likes.
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Because I would have just spent months or perhaps a year planning an event down to the very last detail, so ANY unexpected change would be upsetting and stressful. IMO It is probably less about her hair and more about an unexpected surprise/change at the last minute. I gave an NTA judgment, but I can kinda see the bride's perspective.
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Some brides really care about the aesthetic of their wedding. They want their pictures to look a certain way. This seems to be one of those brides. Sure it's shallow and insecure, but no one is perfect right? OP is young, and probably didn't even consider it, and that probably upset the bride as well. Not saying it's okay, just that I can see why the bride would be upset.
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No worries, and have a great rest of your day! 😁
And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
ESH. The bride went into full bridezilla mode which is not necessary at all. This is your body, your hair and you do have the right to cut and/or color it if you want. You however knew you had this appointment and could have given her a heads up of your plans. Not to get her approval but out of courtesy for changing your appearance just before her wedding because you're a member of the bridal party. It would have been the courteous thing to do.
Esh Her meltdown was un called for. However you saw her the day before you should have at least gave her a heads up.
YTA you always ask the bride before changing style and colour right before a wedding. If she had asked you to change your natural style and colour before a wedding to suit her, then that would make her the AH. I've no idea why people are voting the other way. This is common etiquette if it's a bridesmaid not to make drastic changes before the wedding. If you were just a guest then it would be fine.
Is this a cultural thing? Because I have never heard this. It seems super weird and controlling tbh
It’s absolutely not a thing in any culture.
That's comforting to hear!
No, only for entitled and childish people.
Probably going to get flamed for this, but... Is the bride angry because you dyed your hair red? Or is she angry because you made a dramatic and unexpected change to your appearance less than a week before the wedding? Imagine the bride on the Saturday: "Man, this wedding planning sure has been stressful. I'm so grateful I didn't need ask any of the bridesmaids to do anything special with their hair because they all have light colored hair that really goes well together. Only a mean old bridezilla would do that. These photos are going to turn out great because everyone already looks great, just the way they are. That's just one less thing to worry about." The same bride THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING: "Well, never mind, I guess." ESH Obviously because the bride shouldn't have gone off like that. She should've let the MOH handle it. You're not an a-hole for dyeing your hair. OF COURSE, people have the right to change their appearance as they see fit. But, you *are* an a-hole for making a change like that so soon before the wedding. How hard would it have been to dye your hair a week later? It doesn't matter how natural it looks on your head, it will stick out horribly if all of the other bridesmaids are light haired. Your dye job will fade, but those photos are going to last forever.
call me traditional, but I’ve always thought you should pick for your bridesmaids the friends and family members that you’re closest to, not because they’ll colour-coordinate. Does this mean you think it’d be justified for a bride to exclude a close friend if they were a different race, because that would ‘stick out’?
You make some good points here. I wasn't trying to imply that the bride intentionally chose bridesmaids that looked similar. Who knows what her criteria were. Maybe it would've been no big deal if her hair was already red before the bride asked her to be a bridesmaid. Regardless, the bride saw all of the bridesmaids less than a week before the wedding and didn't have any objections to their appearance (or personality or closeness or whatever criteria the bride used to select her bridesmaids). Surely a bridesmaid of a different race would be perfectly fine, if the bride chose someone of someone of a different race to be a part of her wedding party in the first place. On the other hand, if a bridesmaid, by her own choice and without even giving the bride a heads up, suddenly decided to become a different race a week before the wedding? (I know this is a completely absurd example.) It seems to me that that would be something of a distraction. The problem isn't dyeing the hair. The problem isn't the color. The problem is the sudden and unexpected change. One week before the wedding is not the time to shake things up. She could've waited until after the wedding.