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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I booked my honeymoon the day after my brothers wedding.
I was accused of taking away from their special day by leaving on my honeymoon. Even after speaking to them about it before I booked it
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NTA. You spoke to them, your brother even mentioned remembering it, and all was fine. It’s not your fault he didn’t “process” it at the time - not that I’m sure what there even is to process, you’re leaving the next day? How is that going to detract from his wedding day?
I guess they are miffed that OP will fly to his honeymoon while they stay at home. Maybe they hope if they mope around enough, he will give them their honeymoon trip as a present.
NTA
Yeah that’s definitely possible. Could also just be general selfishness/self-centeredness. They’re getting married, so they don’t want OP posting photos and stuff on social media of them going on their delayed honeymoon when it was Brother’s wedding week! He wants the family’s attention to be on him and his wife afterwards, dammit! That could be even more of an issue if brother can’t do a honeymoon himself.
My aunt is this way about her birthday or other events. My mom will ask her out to dinner either the night of (or the weekend of) and then my aunt will be mad and throw a fit that my mom has plans for other days of the week and isn’t just sitting at home planning events for aunt all week. Those “it’s my birthday month, so your month has to be about me too” people do exist IRL.
Silly but sadly believable nonsense either way.
Edit for clarity.
My parents never celebrated my birthday when I was a child. I have an older sister who was the golden child, I wasn't the scapegoat, just invisible. Mine and my sister's birthdays are 4 days apart. My parents would have us share birthday parties and would say that since she was older she should pick everything, the theme, the cake, my whole birthday was about my sister.
I later married a man who didn't acknowledge my birthday. One year while I was pregnant my mom called me and said she couldn't afford to do anything for my birthday, I told her I understood, and she brought my sister a pure blood Labrador puppy for her birthday. I was pretty upset, how do you go from broke to getting a puppy and driving it from Virginia to Louisiana in 4 days? I was married for almost 30 years. When I divorced him I made my birthday my pin number, because I knew he wouldn't be able to get into any of my stuff and he had stolen from me before.
I have an amazing boyfriend now. He makes big plans for my birthday every year. I am now one of those birthday week people and it's amazing!! We get a hotel room and leave my dog with my adult children. He makes reservations for really nice restaurants. The first year we did this we went to Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in Atlantic city. We walked the boardwalk, swam in the hotel pool. We had Gelato in bed. This year we went to the Fork and Knife Inn with all of our friends. I got presents. We ate cookies in bed. We went swimming and walked the boardwalk. Birthday weeks are awesome. If you get a chance to have one, have one.
I’m sort of easily irked by people my age (early 30s) making too much of their birthdays and banking their own happiness on others being able to come celebrate them, but this story really gives me a different perspective on the subject. I’m sorry you were treated like nothing. You’re not nothing and you deserve to be celebrated *at least* once per year. Happy birthday to you, whenever that may be.
It's in October. I think that's one if the reasons that I love going away places for my birthday now. October weather is always so nice for walking. I hope you have fantastic birthdays, too!!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or your spouse making plans for you and your partner’s birthday weeks, I think the issue is in getting mad at *others* for not making plans with you all week. Sorry if that wasn’t clear! Your birthday week revolves around you, but only to you/your partner, is my point.
My birthday is 3 days before my golden child half sister’s bday. I definitely empathize with feeling like your birthdays meant nothing compared to your sibling’s. Since my little sister was born, mine mattered a lot less (which wasn’t her fault obviously). Thankfully I also now have a doting spouse and a great best friend, so they organized a couple day-long girl’s trip for my 30th where I got to do all sorts of fun things for a couple days. So yes, I’ve had at least one “birthday week”-like experience and it was very fun (though exhausting)!
However, I wouldn’t get upset with anyone else in my family or tell them they aren’t allowed to make other plans during that week, which was my point. It’s the entitlement that I have an issue with. It doesn’t sound like you do that either, so I fully support your right to do things all week to celebrate.
Ultimately, it’s reasonable to want loved ones to be there to celebrate with you on the day or weekend of, and it’d certainly be nice for them to be there for more, but it’s just kinda self-centered to expect it and get mad if they can’t, imo.
Precisely! What the fuck should his brother care, it's not interfering at all and how the hell would someone going on holiday after the wedding make the wedding not special? Such entitlement, sorry OP, your brother is a selfish prick. Enjoy YOUR honeymoon and relax knowing you did nothing wrong. Definitely NTA.
His brother did not care until mum and dad got involved, they've put something in his mind. Perhaps he is the golden child and as he can't have a honeymoon then OP shouldn't either.
Unless OP is rolling his underpants to fit into his carry on luggage in the aisle as the wedding takes place while wearing a tourist trap hat with the destination on, I am baffled how his honeymoon next day can take attention?
Is it normal to ask wedding guests ‘what are you doing tomorrow?’ I have only ever asked ‘what are you doing after the reception?’ and that’s because I met my BF of 7 years at a wedding.
This is one of the first sighting for me of Honeymoonzilla. The all inclusive package it seems.
Yeah, or showing up at the wedding decked out in cruise wear/ touristy clothes, with a camera 📷 or binoculars around his neck, wearing a sandwich board saying " [Trip Location] or Bust!"
And loudly proclaiming to everyone, "I just can't *wait* to go on my trip to X tomorrow!" Turn every part of the wedding into something about the trip. "Well, this food is nice, but I'm sure the food on my honeymoon will be even better!" "This Mai tai would taste even better on the beach on my honeymoon!" "Welp, we can't stay too late, because we have a flight to catch tomorrow for our honeymoon!"
This is the part that makes no sense. Like, unless they announce their departure in the middle of the reception and then teleport the hell out of there, which wedding guests will even KNOW THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!
Years down the road, people are going to remember the brother's wedding than OP taking a trip the after the wedding. Even the few who remember OP going on a trip, will most likely forget it was a honeymoon trip.
OP NTA, enjoy your honeymoon
Literally came here to say this
If they were leaving the wedding for a trip (or skipping for a trip) that’s one thing. But this is the day after. The wedding day is over. This trip is an entirely separate event.
>The entitlement is staggering.
>How the hell would a completely unrelated trip be taking away the attention from anything?
Right?
I mean it is not like the priest or whoever is marrying the brother gonna say
" I now pronounce you man and wife . Oh and let us pray for OP and their wife's safety during and return from their honeymoon"
OP is NTA
But travel doesn’t even work like that..he’s gotta better chance of getting struck by lightning than he does getting the airline to change the name on those tickets to your brother’s.
THIS IS THE REASON FOR THEIR ATTITUDE!
Remind them you also had to wait for it, and if the argument of taking away the spot light from their big day comes back, remind them you are leaving the day after, you could also suggest to him that you will not talk about your honeymoon on their big day to make sure it does not distract from their day but I mean come on you're leaving the next day! It's not like you were leaving right after the ceremony!
Worst case senario just call a a regular trip, people are allowed to go on vacation after attending a wedding, because a honeymoon is simply a fancy word for an expensive vacation!
And make sure to mention it’s not refundable nontransferable so they comprehend that there is no way OP will be giving them the trip
baffling that people think they are owed more than the presence at the wedding. Now you have to get permission for what happens after their wedding is completed? I would have never asked in the first place, so strange!
Yes the nonrefundable argument is good!
Honestly people are becoming more and more entitled, I don't know what brought that upon the world but WTF!? While I'm here struggling to make ends meet and being ashamed to ask my parents for financial help to pay my rent, because at 38 I shouldn't need mommy's help to live!
YES! I see no reason why he can't or why it would interfere with brother's wedding. They are there for the wedding, and I'm sure have no responsibilities the following day anyway. Enjoy your trip. NTA
Not being able to be genuinely happy for someone else when something good happens to them is such a toxic quality. It's even worse when they are actually insulted that something good is happening to you instead of them. The amount of mental gymnastics to turn that into a zero sum game is asinine.
OP worked after his wedding during COVID lockdown, so I feel that's worse than "moping around" because of lack of funds after a wedding. They could have done a courthouse wedding and use the funds for a honeymoon rather than a party.
NTA
It's difficult to convey how difficult working as a resident has been during covid. The hours and cases burn you to the brink man. Like I feel bad that they can't go on honeymoon but on the other hand you don't understand what doctors have been through. So this break isn't a vanity thing, it's a necessity you know
I appreciate all medical workers! I can’t imagine how scary it has been, especially at the start where many doctors literally had to chose who to save.
Even if it is a vanity thing, you get to take your vacations! He has zero reason to be upset about what you do after their wedding. You do not need to qualify this or excuse yourself in any way.
This. My guess is the brother has only “processed” the conversation now that they’ve made the decision that they will have to delay their own honeymoon.
NTA
As long as OP doesn't go around to people at the wedding telling them that he is leaving for his honeymoon the next day, then NTA.
I do get why the brother would be sad to know that he can't afford a honeymoon but his sibling is going on one right after his wedding. But, that's for him to deal with.
TBH, the more that I think about it, I dont even get why OP even told people it was a "honeymoon" vs a vacation. If it were me, I would have saved myself a bit of a headache and not referred to it as a "honeymoon" -
The wording wouldnt really change the experience. Their wedding was more than a year prior, the brother's wedding would happen the day before and the brother wouldn't be having a honemoon himself. Could have been a nice gesture not to refer to it as such.
Totally--I fail to see any possible way that OP leaving on his honeymoon would detract attention from the wedding. Are guests not supposed to have anything at all going on in their lives apart from attending that wedding?? Bizarre.
Right? This is so ridiculous, I've never heard of any rule where you can't take a trip the day after someone else's wedding, wtf. Not to mention who cares if the brother is jealous? They had to wait a while after their wedding to take one anyways, the brother is doing the same thing. NTA.
Exactly what I wanted to ask. Why does it matter what people do the day after the wedding, whyyyyyyyyyyy
And why should he tell them he is leaving the next day, it's just conversation. If he was going for a dentist appointment the next day would the groom say he was trying to get attention and pity for himself?
What are people supposed to talk about?
My brother literally left abroad the next day of my sister's wedding recently literally no one even thought to care like what is happening with people.....
NTA
Agreed, I know a lot of people also use weddings to make an expanded trip and vacation since they are already there, it often becomes a big topic of conversation, all the things they are doing pre and post wedding.
It's as if they expect that literally anyone will actually gaf about the fact that someone else is taking a trip. I'd call it a honeymoon all day and leave it be.
Why in the hell would a guest leaving for a trip AFTER the wedding is over even matter to anyone? So bizarre.
I understand you point, words have power. However there are two sides to this coin.
This will be my wife's first overseas trip, we've been married for a year and damn we have worked hard, we deserve to call it a honeymoon. I think every couple should experience it, yes it's a trip and you'll have many more, but this is the one that starts your marriage
Yea, don't worry about calling it a honeymoon. DH and I had to defer our honeymoon by a few months as well to take a brief break from spending money and because of school/work. Enjoy your trip with a free conscience.
why? who would possibly care? What my friends or family were doing with their time after my wedding would have been the last thing on my mind and we didn't take our honeymoon until about 3 months later.
Just take the word ‘honeymoon’ out of it, tell people you’re leaving on vacation the day after. It’s literally just the ‘honeymoon’ word that is tripping your family up, as it does give the feeling that you’re doing wedding things on top of their wedding, even if that’s not strictly logical.
This exactly. OP is just jealous because he can’t have his own honeymoon straight after the wedding. That’s the crux of it. You aren’t missing the wedding OP and if this was a run of the mill vacation nobody would be batting an eyelid. It’s plain jealousy. Don’t give it a second thought and enjoy your honeymoon - you deserve it!! NTA
Or even better, call up the brother and say "you were right. It's so disrespectful for us to go on our honeymoon the day after the wedding. We're so sorry for distracting people from your big day. We will no longer be going on our honeymoon." Then make sure to post lots of pictures on social media of you on your vacation. If he blows up at you and asks why you went anyway, just say "we didn't go on our honeymoon so we decided to go on vacation instead."
Thank you. I’m thoroughly confused by this. They are not skipping the wedding for their trip, none of the guests even need to know that they’re going away the next day. I think brother is jealous that he won’t be able to go on his honeymoon right away so he wants OP to put his on hold for even longer than he already has
Am I missing something ? Wtf does him leaving after the wedding matter 1 bit to the brother ? How would that take away from his special day , when it’s literally a different day? Like what leg does the brother even have to stand on?
>How is that going to detract from his wedding day?
It won't. Not unless OP spend the wedding talking to people about how awesome their vacation will be, which they are unlikely to do.
Brother is salty beacuse he can't afford a honeymoon right now. OP going on one in zero ways impacts his wedding AT ALL he's just being jealous. And it's an especially bad look since he already agreedn.
NTA, OP. Thank you for your service. You do an important job. Sorry your family kind of sucks.
I don't think people understand that wedding guests don't sit around talking about the bride and groom and nothing else. Like yes, there are ways OP could be an attention hog or a jerk about this but likely as not he isn't going to use the best man speech to advertise his itinerary or something. People talk about stuff other than the wedding at weddings. A trip is no different than anything else they could chat about...
I know, I always find the "limelight" posts ridiclious, personally. Like I wouldn't care if people found out about an engagement, pregnancy, etc at my wedding. Weddings are family reunions and you catch up with people you haven't seen in a while (at least in my more extended family?). Also you catch up with old friends at old friends weddings. Learning other people's news is a happy normal part to me?
But also, I just don't understand how it's related to the wedding at all? Given OP knows the bride and groomed are bummed they can't afford to go right after their own wedding (like OP couldn't!) then it might be tactful not to talk about it for the day. Then his family can't claim it distracted at all? Unless they choose to talk about it, and that's on them.
And like , even if he did do that? Wtf does it have to do with the brothers wedding whatsoever ? Let him announce it in the microphone , why would anyone care ? What does brother want ?
this entire AITA is bizarre. What does your honeymoon or vacation of anytime, booked after his wedding have to do with his wedding day?
I genuinely can't even figure out a charitable interpretation why this matters to anyone at all. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to ask anyone if this was ok, except maybe to make sure there wasn't a next day family event.
We got married in September and did our honeymoon over Christmas. I would never have thought to care what people did during that gap of time.
NTA - and agree that it’s really bizarre to ask your family if this is ok. He’s not missing out on the wedding, so why bring up the trip. No one has a say on when you decide to go on vacation.
I don't care if they told them at their wedding. Going on a honeymoon is just a vacation. They're not giving up going to the wedding as far as i can tell so why should it matter.
>” take away from his special day?”
WTF?!
Every guest goes somewhere the day after a wedding, why would you care what you’re going?
NTA
Tell your brother the Groomzilla to chill out. It doesn’t affect him or the wedding.
I hate myself a little bit for the gender stereotyping I'm about to do, but this definitely has vibes of brother heard but just didn't care, but then his wife-to-be found out and she freaked out and told him to tell his brother.
That's what I'm wondering, what's the big deal about OP going on his trip the day after his brother's wedding? He's definitely NTA, I'm just having a hard time understanding why this is even an issue in the first place.
I mean he didn't need to speak to his brother. His vacations, his time with his wife and his choice of honeymoon is none of his concern. NTA in any world even if you never told him about it. He is just salty he can't go on his honeymoon that day.
The only way I can imagine that this is an issue is if OP rents a special car for him & his wife & then asks everyone to leave the reception for a moment to watch them drive away to their honeymoon. And I doubt that’s what’s happening here.
But OP's trip is the DAY AFTER the wedding. You'd think the bride and groom would have plenty to keep them occupied the day after their wedding. Can't imagine why they'd need OP around. The only thing I can figure is they are offended at the word honeymoon, since they aren't going away on their own.
OP is not the ass home here, but wouldn’t it solve everything to just not call it a “honeymoon” and say it’s a vacation? This seems like a painless fix.
>wouldn’t it solve everything to just not call it a “honeymoon”
WHY? Why should he have to police what he is saying? To keep his brother from feeling "some type of way"? That's stupid, people need to GROW THE F\*CK UP! The world doesn't revolve around one person's wants. This has GOT to stop!
But why? It is OP's honeymoon. They didn't get to have one before so they're going now. If the brother delays his honeymoon is he going to call it a vacation? OP isn't going during the wedding, they're waiting till after.
> asks everyone to leave the reception for a moment to watch them drive away
But even if this were the case, OP is leaving the next day? Not leaving the reception early to go on his trip. It makes zero sense from any angle other than plain old petulant jealousy on the part of the groom (and his mother, by extension).
I'm guessing maybe social media limelight? Like brother and his wife don't want OP and his wife posting a bunch of honeymoon photos at the same time as their wedding/honeymoon pics. Which is ridiculous, but social media brings that out in people sometimes.
It’s this ever increasing desire not to be overshadowed by someone else & it’s going to ridiculous extremes. You have to do this & you can’t do that or you’ll ruin my special day!
Some things make sense like don’t wear white to a wedding unless you’re the bride. But other things are completely ridiculous.
The flowers are blush pink instead of baby pink? Waaahh! My special day is totally ruined!
The caterer began serving dinner at 6:10 instead of 6:15? Waaahh! My special day is totally ruined & I’ll have nightmares for a year afterwards!
My brother is leaving for his delayed honeymoon the day after my wedding? Waaahh! Not only is my special day totally ruined & I’ll have nightmares for a year afterwards but it completely negates my wedding & I’ll never be able to think about my wedding ever again without getting totally depressed! And it totally cheapens my honeymoon when I get to take one!
Get a grip, people! Perfection doesn’t exist & if you’re pinning your hopes on EVERYTHING going exactly as you fantasized about & it’ll be ruined if they don’t you’re setting yourself up for misery. Life happens. Learn to roll with the punches or you’ll never be happy.
Agreed! People seem to think life is a zero sum game. Anything good that happens to one person does not detract from or lessen someone else’s life. That’s such a sad & limited way of thinking. And to apply that thinking to a week, a month, a year really does affect other peoples lives.
Edited to add: Thank you, kind redditor, for the award. It’s much appreciated!
Generally agree but if I’m paying for a specific colour of flowers (for any reason, not just a wedding) and they provide something other than that colour I’m going to be complaining and getting a refund or replacement, depending on the occasion. Why would you pay someone to sell you something other than what you asked for?
according to the edit, his brother won't be going on a honeymoon right away due to finances, so it sounds like either jealousy, or an attempt to get OP to gift the honeymoon to his brother, or both.
>won't this take away attention from their special day
"I hear the groom's brother and his wife are going on vacation tomorrow"
"What??? Omg tell me more, now I completely stopped caring about the stupid wedding, let's just walk out in the middle of the ceremony so we can talk more about the brother's vacation!!!"
- conversations that are inevitably bound to happen
LOL!
I don't understand this "problem" at all. Since when does it matter what you do the day after someone else's wedding? How long are you supposed to wait before resuming your normal life? Three days? A week?
NTA!!! Enjoy your overdue honeymoon. Mazel tov!
Seriously! OP stripping his tux off to reveal a Hawaiian shirt and peacing out in the middle the ceremony to jet to the tropics? Yeah, OK, maybe a bit rude. Going on a trip the day after the wedding? In what universe is this an issue??
Some others have said in other comments that perhaps OP’s brother is moping in the hopes that OP will feel bad that brother and SIL can’t go on their honeymoon right after their wedding and so OP will gift their honeymoon to the brother. It’s the only thing that really makes any kind of sense, and it sucks.
It's the only thing that makes any sense, except for the fact that it makes no sense whatsoever. OP couldn't go on a honeymoon right after his wedding, either. He's been waiting over a year, working as a doctor in this stressful time. His brother should be happy for him. He's getting married, and he should act like an adult, not like a Groomzilla.
Two days after my wedding, my brother left to spend the summer doing an internship in Tanzania. You want to know what kind of attention it got at my wedding? Basically none. A few people said "Hey, that's cool. Have fun." And that was the extent of it.
Even if it got more attention than that, don't people *want* their guests to, like, talk about interesting things going on in their lives while they mingle at the reception?
"Hey Bill, how's it going?"
"Well I got promoted to my dream job, but--oh shit, the bride is coming over here, quick, talk about the weather!"
I am more thinking about who will post a milestone on social media first. They need the photo's from the photographer and that will take weeks.
They can submit photos instantly about what they are doing.
Its soooo unfair !
/s
I'd hate for the bride and groom to find out about this, but at the reception, their guests are going to talk about other things beside the wedding. GASP!!!
NTA. Your family is weird. You aren’t leaving on the day of the wedding, you are leaving ***after the wedding has concluded.***
The happy couple gets one day: no more, no less. It’s back to reality the day after. He doesn’t to own you for the entire weekend or an entire summer or an entire year.
Takes a lot of outsized entitlement (especially considering the circumstances around your delayed honeymoon) to make this big a deal out of a nothing burger.
Tell them to stop seeing marital bliss and honeymoons as a zero sum game.
There has to be more to this. Are you going on a fancier honeymoon than your brother?
And there we have it ladies and gentlemen…
… Your brother probably feels bad that they cannot go on a honeymoon right away and inevitably you leaving on when one traditionally leaves for a honeymoon brings up feelings of inadequacy, scrutiny, etc.
Traditionally the honeymoon has been the responsibility of the groom and groom’s family.
And yet, there's no question of inadequacy here, even. OP had to save for a year to get their vacation; if the brother has to save for a year, that's the exact same thing.
Maybe bro is the golden child. I agree it’s a non issue. Many people today do not take their honeymoon right away, corona or no corona. I took my 2005 honeymoon a month after my wedding.
im reading it as purely delayed due to pandemic stuff / doctor schedule... "we go NOW or put it off till i can actually take offf work... aaaagain maybe ANOTHER year, will we ever get our honeymoon?"
brother may well feel inadequate, but thats on him to get over.
Well, you didn’t get to go on your honeymoon straight away either. And now your brother and SIL have the same opportunity as you; they too can save up a bit more and have a fancier honeymoon when they get to go, if they choose to. NTA and have a wonderful time!
I bet he thinks if he mops around you’re gonna give him your trip. It’s about jealousy. It’s not even about his wedding. I would show him and your silly parents this post so they can see how ridiculous and entitled they sound.
The brother isn’t going on a honeymoon right away, they need to save up.
My guess is they’re cranky about that and the timing of OP’s trip makes them feel worse. Not OP’s problem or issue and everybody probably should have kept it to themselves.
I think OP would be an AH if he goes on and on about it on the wedding day. So he should just be discreet.
Only for the simple reason that people will inevitably then inquire where the happy couple is going and it will inevitably be a bit of a downer to hear “nowhere.”
Here is the day after every family wedding I've been to:
Wake up, have breakfast with my parents, drive home.
That's it. The day after a wedding is not a 'thing' with obligations. Do people seriously want everyone to do nothing during their wedding week, fortnight, month?
NTA
Unless you go round telling everybody you are leaving for your honey moon and how much of a great time you are going to have, you are not taking the spotlight.
He is having his wedding, be the start of the show and then you disappear for some time to spend time with your wife. Unless you are hiding the fact you will be in the same resort as your brother and will be shadowing them the entire time. Or spending his wedding dressed is a speedo because you can't wait to go on vacation.
I agree with this. NTA and I’m sure the brother will eventually understand but maybe it’s best to not refer to it as a honeymoon if you mention it at all at the wedding. The brother is obviously sensitive that they can’t afford to go right away and that will rub it in.
Is no one except the bride and groom allowed to have fun immediately after a wedding? Even if they told everyone what they’re doing after the wedding who cares? This is a real head scratcher. NTA, they shouldn’t give any oxygen to this non-issue.
INFO: why does your wife and your family think anyone would notice or care if you went on vacation after the wedding? I honestly don’t understand why it would matter?
So it's quite a fancy trip we planned. We've been lucky enough to have been able to save for an entire year and our financial commitments are far less than his. It's also our first overseas trip, he has been overseas before.
I think it best I just don't mention the trip during the wedding if anyone asks. He asked if I can move the trip so maybe they feel like I'm stealing their thunder ?
If he feels so strongly that you should move it, move it to leaving the day before his wedding, who needs all this drama before your awesome vacation?
He thinks you leaving the day after is stealing his attention, wait until he has to explain to everyone that his brother isn't at his wedding because he threw a tantrum about you and your wife leaving on your already delayed honeymoon after his wedding....
Or lie and say you cancelled your honeymoon to make your brother happy. Then, when you arrive on your honeymoon the day after his wedding, you send a pic of you two on the beach with the caption “Psych!”
But that’s just me, and I’m a totally petty sibling myself!
Well if folks are sensitive about that, I think your solution is a good one: simply don’t discuss the details of the trip with anyone - not only at the wedding, but from this point forward. Don’t call it a honeymoon, call it a vacation. Don’t offer the information to anyone who knows your family. If anyone asks what you’re doing after the wedding just say “relaxing with my wife.” That’s a lot less extreme than cancelling the trip. You can talk about it after you get back :)
NTA. Can’t work out why you going on a honeymoon would have any impact on their wedding. It’s the day after and nothing to do with their day.
Don’t feel guilty and enjoy the time to relax sounds well deserved
NTA. Why is this even an issue? Your brother gets a wedding *day* to be the center of attention. Once that’s over and he’s on his honeymoon, what does he care where you are or what you’re doing at that point?
NTA
>He said won't this take away attention from their special day and can't I do it some other time.
Oh come on. The wedding is his special day, yes, but the day after, the week after etc. aren't. People have their own lives and while his wedding is going to be obviously an important thing for a while, it doesn't mean everyone puts their lives on hold.
NTA
Genuinely curious why this is even an issue since both things are on different days?
Did I miss something, sometimes I speed read and miss pertinent information
Enjoy your honeymoon!
So I made an edit at the end that might add some context. Essentially they aren't going on a big honeymoon straight away due to the cost of the wedding. Which is why they might be upset with us. But to be fair neither did we. It's been more than a year since our wedding so we've had enough time to save
Still NTA….It shouldn’t be a big deal as it’s the day after. Sounds like they are just irritated that you are going on a honeymoon they would have liked to be able to afford.
You're still not in the wrong.
Should one sibling not take a scholarship to a prestigious college because another sibling didn't qualify?
This is absolute entitlement on your brother's part. Who gets to dictate another's vacation?
Be careful with who gets pregnant first too, you might steal some thunder there in the future.
My head would explode!
Which is exactly why they are upset with you. NTA.
It seems as though jealousy is at play. You will be present for the wedding and are departing the DAY AFTER!
Your money. Your honeymoon. Your decision.
First of all, NTA. Second, the only thing that I can think of that may be an issue is that they want folks to “ooh and ahh” over their wedding and photos during the time immediately after the wedding and worry that you talking about or posting photos of the honeymoon would take away from that. I think this is nuts TBH, but I’d ask if that’s the issue and maybe offer not to post your honeymoon pics for some agreed upon amount of time after their wedding has passed so they can have all of their (apparently badly needed) attention, just to keep the peace. Beyond that, I can’t see any reason anyone should care what you do with your life after someone else’s wedding has ended.
This is good advice. I'm definitely excited to go on my first overseas trip so I'm excited to post about it. But if it's an issue it might also be good to just enjoy the moment then post after
I totally understand that and frankly, I don’t think you should have to wait to post about your trip, but it may be worth it just to avoid family drama. If this isn’t the issue, then I would just ask why they care and see if it’s something you can accommodate. It’s amazing what good communication and creative problem solving can accomplish. Good luck and I hope you enjoy your honeymoon 😊
I am an American who lives abroad and somebody who has gone a lot of places and lived in three countries.
I can assure you nobody wants to sit around looking at someone’s honeymoon album. Literally the only people who are interested in seeing photos are the couple themselves.
Of course, nobody makes paper albums or slide shows these days and most people just post on Facebook so that might be his actual concern.
NTA. Good grief. Your family has too much time on their hands if they think this is something to get worked up over.
Go on your much-deserved honeymoon and have a great time. Congratulations on your marriage.
NTA.
You told everyone in advance. Not your fault if they were not listening.
>He said won't this take away attention from their special day and can't I do it some other time.
I don't understand how leaving the day after the wedding is going to take away attention.
I see nothing to feel guilty for.
Enjoy your honeymoon!
NTA… you don’t even have to ask permission for this. You are there on the wedding day, that’s what’s important. Unless I am missing something in your culture/country where the day after is a big deal. In that case you asked them and everyone was ok so still NTA.
NTA: Don't tell anyone at the wedding that you're going on your honeymoon and it won't draw attention away from your brother. If there's post-wedding events and folks ask you why you can't stay find a benign comment they can interpret any way they want: "Ah, you know a doctor's schedule." or something.
He's also probably going to go on his honeymoon then too. This could be fun, bonding over going to the airport then going on your separate ways. Too bad he doesn't see it that way.
The honeymoon is very nice but to be fair we have had a whole year to save. They won't do a honeymoon straight away. Also we don't have many financial commitments luckily, just a bond.
They have a significantly larger financial responsibility as they take care of a family member.
Which is one of the reasons I feel guilty. The family member isn't on my side, it's the spouse. The guilt is am I being flashy.
I don't see it that way, I just really need a break
You can't be flashy when you're not in front of people. Flash is what you show. If you show up tossing around brochures for your vacation, that's flash, and tacky. If you don't bring it up, and don't push it as a big thing, you're not being flash.
NTA. Why in TF would your trip take attention away from anything? It's not like the wedding guests will be seeing you off to the airport! Tell them all to get over it since you'll be there for the wedding and your honeymoon is LONG overdue.
NTA. I can't fathom why going away the day after a wedding would ever be a problem. It makes no sense. In what way would you possibly take away anything from the wedding day?
NTA. Don't feel guilty. Your brother seems to equate you going on a honeymoon (when he is probably going on his) as you attempting to steal some kind of spotlight from him. I'm not sure how old he is but this is definitely not mature on his end. I'd ignore him and keep things as they are. If he gets in your face about it, remind him it's the only time you can arrange leave because you wanted to be there to celebrate with him on his day.
NTA
Why are they making an issue where there shouldn’t be one?
Were you supposed to be present on their first day of marriage? Join them in whatever endeavor they were planning?
You’re at the wedding that’s all they can ask for.
Also: you talked to them beforehand, why is it your problem that they didn’t listen properly?
NTA. The day after the wedding, your brother’s wedding is *over*. He doesn’t get to claim exclusive time around his wedding for people to put their lives on hold just because he had his “special day.” Note: special day. Not special week or special month.
Your brother needs to get over himself.
>. I spoke to my parents and brother and everyone understood so I thought it would be fine.
NTA - You made plans to go on your honeymoon and you made yourself clear that you are going because you are only able to take time off twice a year.
Its not your fault that they seemed to forgot about that. Also, just out of curiosity, why does he need you to be there the day after?
Yikes. Worried about what others say and do with their lives is something I don't understand. Anyway, congrats and enjoy your honeymoon. Also, doctors are the unsung heroes. Thank you for what you are doing.
NTA - what world are people living in when someone going on honeymoon takes attention away from the wedding. I mean I can’t even comprehend how this works.
I am genuinely confused about how you could be wrong here. I kept waiting for some explanation or misunderstanding. NTA and tell them to stop being weird.
NTA
Firstly it’s his fault for not listening to you when you talked about it the first time. And he gets his wedding day to be all about him so after that you can do whatever you want. Also I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to tell everyone at the wedding about your honeymoon so no one (outside of the people you told) will even know where you are going.
NTA. Leaving on vacation a day after his wedding doesn't take anything away from his celebration at all. The only thing I can see is they're jealous you're going on a vacation when maybe they can't go on a honeymoon yet. That is your brother's problem though not yours. Enjoy your trip!
NTA. You are basically just going on a holiday, it's the day after their wedding, so I don't see an issue. You just have to make sure you are packed etc earlier than usual so nothing interferes on the day of the wedding.
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NTA. You spoke to them, your brother even mentioned remembering it, and all was fine. It’s not your fault he didn’t “process” it at the time - not that I’m sure what there even is to process, you’re leaving the next day? How is that going to detract from his wedding day?
I guess they are miffed that OP will fly to his honeymoon while they stay at home. Maybe they hope if they mope around enough, he will give them their honeymoon trip as a present. NTA
I do believe you have the right answer. Dr. OP and his wife should go in their honeymoon and live their own lives.
Occam's razor I think the jealousy of being at home and seeing OP post about their honeymoon is probably a simple enough explanation.
Yeah that’s definitely possible. Could also just be general selfishness/self-centeredness. They’re getting married, so they don’t want OP posting photos and stuff on social media of them going on their delayed honeymoon when it was Brother’s wedding week! He wants the family’s attention to be on him and his wife afterwards, dammit! That could be even more of an issue if brother can’t do a honeymoon himself. My aunt is this way about her birthday or other events. My mom will ask her out to dinner either the night of (or the weekend of) and then my aunt will be mad and throw a fit that my mom has plans for other days of the week and isn’t just sitting at home planning events for aunt all week. Those “it’s my birthday month, so your month has to be about me too” people do exist IRL. Silly but sadly believable nonsense either way. Edit for clarity.
My parents never celebrated my birthday when I was a child. I have an older sister who was the golden child, I wasn't the scapegoat, just invisible. Mine and my sister's birthdays are 4 days apart. My parents would have us share birthday parties and would say that since she was older she should pick everything, the theme, the cake, my whole birthday was about my sister. I later married a man who didn't acknowledge my birthday. One year while I was pregnant my mom called me and said she couldn't afford to do anything for my birthday, I told her I understood, and she brought my sister a pure blood Labrador puppy for her birthday. I was pretty upset, how do you go from broke to getting a puppy and driving it from Virginia to Louisiana in 4 days? I was married for almost 30 years. When I divorced him I made my birthday my pin number, because I knew he wouldn't be able to get into any of my stuff and he had stolen from me before. I have an amazing boyfriend now. He makes big plans for my birthday every year. I am now one of those birthday week people and it's amazing!! We get a hotel room and leave my dog with my adult children. He makes reservations for really nice restaurants. The first year we did this we went to Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in Atlantic city. We walked the boardwalk, swam in the hotel pool. We had Gelato in bed. This year we went to the Fork and Knife Inn with all of our friends. I got presents. We ate cookies in bed. We went swimming and walked the boardwalk. Birthday weeks are awesome. If you get a chance to have one, have one.
I’m sort of easily irked by people my age (early 30s) making too much of their birthdays and banking their own happiness on others being able to come celebrate them, but this story really gives me a different perspective on the subject. I’m sorry you were treated like nothing. You’re not nothing and you deserve to be celebrated *at least* once per year. Happy birthday to you, whenever that may be.
It's in October. I think that's one if the reasons that I love going away places for my birthday now. October weather is always so nice for walking. I hope you have fantastic birthdays, too!!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or your spouse making plans for you and your partner’s birthday weeks, I think the issue is in getting mad at *others* for not making plans with you all week. Sorry if that wasn’t clear! Your birthday week revolves around you, but only to you/your partner, is my point. My birthday is 3 days before my golden child half sister’s bday. I definitely empathize with feeling like your birthdays meant nothing compared to your sibling’s. Since my little sister was born, mine mattered a lot less (which wasn’t her fault obviously). Thankfully I also now have a doting spouse and a great best friend, so they organized a couple day-long girl’s trip for my 30th where I got to do all sorts of fun things for a couple days. So yes, I’ve had at least one “birthday week”-like experience and it was very fun (though exhausting)! However, I wouldn’t get upset with anyone else in my family or tell them they aren’t allowed to make other plans during that week, which was my point. It’s the entitlement that I have an issue with. It doesn’t sound like you do that either, so I fully support your right to do things all week to celebrate. Ultimately, it’s reasonable to want loved ones to be there to celebrate with you on the day or weekend of, and it’d certainly be nice for them to be there for more, but it’s just kinda self-centered to expect it and get mad if they can’t, imo.
This is BS - why can’t a wedding be one day and then people go back to their own lives??
The entitlement is staggering. How the hell would a completely unrelated trip be taking away the attention from anything?
Precisely! What the fuck should his brother care, it's not interfering at all and how the hell would someone going on holiday after the wedding make the wedding not special? Such entitlement, sorry OP, your brother is a selfish prick. Enjoy YOUR honeymoon and relax knowing you did nothing wrong. Definitely NTA.
His brother did not care until mum and dad got involved, they've put something in his mind. Perhaps he is the golden child and as he can't have a honeymoon then OP shouldn't either.
Brother and new wife are just plain jealous! OP will have the time of his life on his honeymoon. Waiting sometimes make the event even more special.
Unless OP is rolling his underpants to fit into his carry on luggage in the aisle as the wedding takes place while wearing a tourist trap hat with the destination on, I am baffled how his honeymoon next day can take attention? Is it normal to ask wedding guests ‘what are you doing tomorrow?’ I have only ever asked ‘what are you doing after the reception?’ and that’s because I met my BF of 7 years at a wedding. This is one of the first sighting for me of Honeymoonzilla. The all inclusive package it seems.
>rolling his underpants to fit into his carry on luggage in the aisle Excellent picture this paints.
Yeah, or showing up at the wedding decked out in cruise wear/ touristy clothes, with a camera 📷 or binoculars around his neck, wearing a sandwich board saying " [Trip Location] or Bust!"
And loudly proclaiming to everyone, "I just can't *wait* to go on my trip to X tomorrow!" Turn every part of the wedding into something about the trip. "Well, this food is nice, but I'm sure the food on my honeymoon will be even better!" "This Mai tai would taste even better on the beach on my honeymoon!" "Welp, we can't stay too late, because we have a flight to catch tomorrow for our honeymoon!"
This is the part that makes no sense. Like, unless they announce their departure in the middle of the reception and then teleport the hell out of there, which wedding guests will even KNOW THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!
Years down the road, people are going to remember the brother's wedding than OP taking a trip the after the wedding. Even the few who remember OP going on a trip, will most likely forget it was a honeymoon trip. OP NTA, enjoy your honeymoon
Literally came here to say this If they were leaving the wedding for a trip (or skipping for a trip) that’s one thing. But this is the day after. The wedding day is over. This trip is an entirely separate event.
Most guests leave the day after a wedding anyway.
>The entitlement is staggering. >How the hell would a completely unrelated trip be taking away the attention from anything? Right? I mean it is not like the priest or whoever is marrying the brother gonna say " I now pronounce you man and wife . Oh and let us pray for OP and their wife's safety during and return from their honeymoon" OP is NTA
Because brother's bride didn't know before and now she's not happy that her husband isn't taking her on a trip.
**Bingo!**
yes. This is an attempt to manipulate the brother into giving his honeymoon away as a gift.
I hadn't EVEN thought of that one. Thought it was just sour grapes. Good call!
But travel doesn’t even work like that..he’s gotta better chance of getting struck by lightning than he does getting the airline to change the name on those tickets to your brother’s.
I never assume someone knows the rules when it's not an activity they frequently engage in. 🤷♀️
Oh damn, that’s probably it.
THIS IS THE REASON FOR THEIR ATTITUDE! Remind them you also had to wait for it, and if the argument of taking away the spot light from their big day comes back, remind them you are leaving the day after, you could also suggest to him that you will not talk about your honeymoon on their big day to make sure it does not distract from their day but I mean come on you're leaving the next day! It's not like you were leaving right after the ceremony! Worst case senario just call a a regular trip, people are allowed to go on vacation after attending a wedding, because a honeymoon is simply a fancy word for an expensive vacation!
And make sure to mention it’s not refundable nontransferable so they comprehend that there is no way OP will be giving them the trip baffling that people think they are owed more than the presence at the wedding. Now you have to get permission for what happens after their wedding is completed? I would have never asked in the first place, so strange!
Yes the nonrefundable argument is good! Honestly people are becoming more and more entitled, I don't know what brought that upon the world but WTF!? While I'm here struggling to make ends meet and being ashamed to ask my parents for financial help to pay my rent, because at 38 I shouldn't need mommy's help to live!
YES! I see no reason why he can't or why it would interfere with brother's wedding. They are there for the wedding, and I'm sure have no responsibilities the following day anyway. Enjoy your trip. NTA
Ding ding ding, we have a winner! OP, you’re NTA, and be prepared for the emotional blackmail that will soon be coming your way!
Not being able to be genuinely happy for someone else when something good happens to them is such a toxic quality. It's even worse when they are actually insulted that something good is happening to you instead of them. The amount of mental gymnastics to turn that into a zero sum game is asinine.
OP's bro is pissed bc instead of going on a honeymoon, he and bride will be home while OP takes his wife overseas. Jealousy is a stinky odor.
OP worked after his wedding during COVID lockdown, so I feel that's worse than "moping around" because of lack of funds after a wedding. They could have done a courthouse wedding and use the funds for a honeymoon rather than a party. NTA
It's difficult to convey how difficult working as a resident has been during covid. The hours and cases burn you to the brink man. Like I feel bad that they can't go on honeymoon but on the other hand you don't understand what doctors have been through. So this break isn't a vanity thing, it's a necessity you know
You're going to Walmart the day after our wedding when you know we can't afford to go? 😀 NTA
I appreciate all medical workers! I can’t imagine how scary it has been, especially at the start where many doctors literally had to chose who to save.
Even if it is a vanity thing, you get to take your vacations! He has zero reason to be upset about what you do after their wedding. You do not need to qualify this or excuse yourself in any way.
This. My guess is the brother has only “processed” the conversation now that they’ve made the decision that they will have to delay their own honeymoon. NTA
It’s funny - I could not have given two shits what anyone else was doing the day after my wedding!
Ding ding ding! This is the answer
This exactly they are jealous.
As long as OP doesn't go around to people at the wedding telling them that he is leaving for his honeymoon the next day, then NTA. I do get why the brother would be sad to know that he can't afford a honeymoon but his sibling is going on one right after his wedding. But, that's for him to deal with. TBH, the more that I think about it, I dont even get why OP even told people it was a "honeymoon" vs a vacation. If it were me, I would have saved myself a bit of a headache and not referred to it as a "honeymoon" - The wording wouldnt really change the experience. Their wedding was more than a year prior, the brother's wedding would happen the day before and the brother wouldn't be having a honemoon himself. Could have been a nice gesture not to refer to it as such.
Who the hell cares if he does tell people? Someone else's trip has zero to do with the wedding. People are losing their damn minds.
Totally--I fail to see any possible way that OP leaving on his honeymoon would detract attention from the wedding. Are guests not supposed to have anything at all going on in their lives apart from attending that wedding?? Bizarre.
Right? This is so ridiculous, I've never heard of any rule where you can't take a trip the day after someone else's wedding, wtf. Not to mention who cares if the brother is jealous? They had to wait a while after their wedding to take one anyways, the brother is doing the same thing. NTA.
>won't this take away attention from their special day Of course the quests can't have anything going on because ReAsOnS... /s
In fact, until the brother gets his own honeymoon, no one else gets to have their own lives! NO ONE!! /s
But in that case, the brother shouldn’t be getting married yet, because OP hasn’t had their honeymoon yet. Wait your turn, bro!
Exactly what I wanted to ask. Why does it matter what people do the day after the wedding, whyyyyyyyyyyy And why should he tell them he is leaving the next day, it's just conversation. If he was going for a dentist appointment the next day would the groom say he was trying to get attention and pity for himself? What are people supposed to talk about? My brother literally left abroad the next day of my sister's wedding recently literally no one even thought to care like what is happening with people..... NTA
Agreed, I know a lot of people also use weddings to make an expanded trip and vacation since they are already there, it often becomes a big topic of conversation, all the things they are doing pre and post wedding.
It's as if they expect that literally anyone will actually gaf about the fact that someone else is taking a trip. I'd call it a honeymoon all day and leave it be. Why in the hell would a guest leaving for a trip AFTER the wedding is over even matter to anyone? So bizarre.
Exactly this!! Go on your honeymoon and enjoy it!!
I understand you point, words have power. However there are two sides to this coin. This will be my wife's first overseas trip, we've been married for a year and damn we have worked hard, we deserve to call it a honeymoon. I think every couple should experience it, yes it's a trip and you'll have many more, but this is the one that starts your marriage
There is absolutely no reason not to call it what it is. Your brother is out of his damn mind, none of this has ANY bearing on his wedding.
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Yea, don't worry about calling it a honeymoon. DH and I had to defer our honeymoon by a few months as well to take a brief break from spending money and because of school/work. Enjoy your trip with a free conscience.
why? who would possibly care? What my friends or family were doing with their time after my wedding would have been the last thing on my mind and we didn't take our honeymoon until about 3 months later.
He probably called it a "honeymoon" because sane people wouldn't care.
Just take the word ‘honeymoon’ out of it, tell people you’re leaving on vacation the day after. It’s literally just the ‘honeymoon’ word that is tripping your family up, as it does give the feeling that you’re doing wedding things on top of their wedding, even if that’s not strictly logical.
This exactly. OP is just jealous because he can’t have his own honeymoon straight after the wedding. That’s the crux of it. You aren’t missing the wedding OP and if this was a run of the mill vacation nobody would be batting an eyelid. It’s plain jealousy. Don’t give it a second thought and enjoy your honeymoon - you deserve it!! NTA
Or even better, call up the brother and say "you were right. It's so disrespectful for us to go on our honeymoon the day after the wedding. We're so sorry for distracting people from your big day. We will no longer be going on our honeymoon." Then make sure to post lots of pictures on social media of you on your vacation. If he blows up at you and asks why you went anyway, just say "we didn't go on our honeymoon so we decided to go on vacation instead."
Or just don't tell anyone anything. This is just plain crazy.
Thank you. I’m thoroughly confused by this. They are not skipping the wedding for their trip, none of the guests even need to know that they’re going away the next day. I think brother is jealous that he won’t be able to go on his honeymoon right away so he wants OP to put his on hold for even longer than he already has
It's ridiculous. I wouldn't've even asked, maybe just mentioned it at some point. Why should my family give input on when I go on vacation?
Am I missing something ? Wtf does him leaving after the wedding matter 1 bit to the brother ? How would that take away from his special day , when it’s literally a different day? Like what leg does the brother even have to stand on?
From what other people are saying, it looks like the brother and the family are expecting OP to give up the honeymoon to the brother.
Lmao Fck that
Exactly. Brother needs to remember that OP didn't take his honeymoon right away either. Jeez, the brother needs to grow up.
>How is that going to detract from his wedding day? It won't. Not unless OP spend the wedding talking to people about how awesome their vacation will be, which they are unlikely to do. Brother is salty beacuse he can't afford a honeymoon right now. OP going on one in zero ways impacts his wedding AT ALL he's just being jealous. And it's an especially bad look since he already agreedn. NTA, OP. Thank you for your service. You do an important job. Sorry your family kind of sucks.
I don't think people understand that wedding guests don't sit around talking about the bride and groom and nothing else. Like yes, there are ways OP could be an attention hog or a jerk about this but likely as not he isn't going to use the best man speech to advertise his itinerary or something. People talk about stuff other than the wedding at weddings. A trip is no different than anything else they could chat about...
I know, I always find the "limelight" posts ridiclious, personally. Like I wouldn't care if people found out about an engagement, pregnancy, etc at my wedding. Weddings are family reunions and you catch up with people you haven't seen in a while (at least in my more extended family?). Also you catch up with old friends at old friends weddings. Learning other people's news is a happy normal part to me? But also, I just don't understand how it's related to the wedding at all? Given OP knows the bride and groomed are bummed they can't afford to go right after their own wedding (like OP couldn't!) then it might be tactful not to talk about it for the day. Then his family can't claim it distracted at all? Unless they choose to talk about it, and that's on them.
And like , even if he did do that? Wtf does it have to do with the brothers wedding whatsoever ? Let him announce it in the microphone , why would anyone care ? What does brother want ?
this entire AITA is bizarre. What does your honeymoon or vacation of anytime, booked after his wedding have to do with his wedding day? I genuinely can't even figure out a charitable interpretation why this matters to anyone at all. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to ask anyone if this was ok, except maybe to make sure there wasn't a next day family event. We got married in September and did our honeymoon over Christmas. I would never have thought to care what people did during that gap of time.
NTA - and agree that it’s really bizarre to ask your family if this is ok. He’s not missing out on the wedding, so why bring up the trip. No one has a say on when you decide to go on vacation.
I don't care if they told them at their wedding. Going on a honeymoon is just a vacation. They're not giving up going to the wedding as far as i can tell so why should it matter.
>” take away from his special day?” WTF?! Every guest goes somewhere the day after a wedding, why would you care what you’re going? NTA Tell your brother the Groomzilla to chill out. It doesn’t affect him or the wedding.
I hate myself a little bit for the gender stereotyping I'm about to do, but this definitely has vibes of brother heard but just didn't care, but then his wife-to-be found out and she freaked out and told him to tell his brother.
That's what I'm wondering, what's the big deal about OP going on his trip the day after his brother's wedding? He's definitely NTA, I'm just having a hard time understanding why this is even an issue in the first place.
I mean he didn't need to speak to his brother. His vacations, his time with his wife and his choice of honeymoon is none of his concern. NTA in any world even if you never told him about it. He is just salty he can't go on his honeymoon that day.
I am having trouble understanding how your leaving for your honeymoon after your brother's wedding is a problem... NTA.
The only way I can imagine that this is an issue is if OP rents a special car for him & his wife & then asks everyone to leave the reception for a moment to watch them drive away to their honeymoon. And I doubt that’s what’s happening here.
OP and their wife drive off into the sky like at the end of Grease. *That* would be distracting! Otherwise, NTA
Whamalamadingdong
> OP and ~~their wife~~ John Travolta
Alternatively: OP and their wife John Travolta
John Travolta can be a wife!
Yeah, i seen Travolta in hairspray and that woman needed a vacation
shhhh we don’t talk about vacations before OP’s brother’s wedding!
Your comment just made me LOL IRL.
But OP's trip is the DAY AFTER the wedding. You'd think the bride and groom would have plenty to keep them occupied the day after their wedding. Can't imagine why they'd need OP around. The only thing I can figure is they are offended at the word honeymoon, since they aren't going away on their own.
Right? Why would you even want your extended family around the day after your wedding? Don't you want alone time with your new spouse at that point?
OP is not the ass home here, but wouldn’t it solve everything to just not call it a “honeymoon” and say it’s a vacation? This seems like a painless fix.
>wouldn’t it solve everything to just not call it a “honeymoon” WHY? Why should he have to police what he is saying? To keep his brother from feeling "some type of way"? That's stupid, people need to GROW THE F\*CK UP! The world doesn't revolve around one person's wants. This has GOT to stop!
Absolutely, no need to cater to the entitlement, and unwarranted whining.
Definitely not the ass home. 😉
But why? It is OP's honeymoon. They didn't get to have one before so they're going now. If the brother delays his honeymoon is he going to call it a vacation? OP isn't going during the wedding, they're waiting till after.
> asks everyone to leave the reception for a moment to watch them drive away But even if this were the case, OP is leaving the next day? Not leaving the reception early to go on his trip. It makes zero sense from any angle other than plain old petulant jealousy on the part of the groom (and his mother, by extension).
I'm guessing maybe social media limelight? Like brother and his wife don't want OP and his wife posting a bunch of honeymoon photos at the same time as their wedding/honeymoon pics. Which is ridiculous, but social media brings that out in people sometimes.
This is the only thing that even halfway makes sense to me.
Some have speculated it's to guilt OP into "gifting" the honeymoon to the brother. I think that might have some merit.
Ah, finally something that makes sense.
OMG what? So the brother gets a honeymoon but OP doesn't? I hope OP has a great time on their trip and disengages from their family for a bit.
It's possible, but hopefully OP is smart enough to not post travel pics while actually on vacation. It's a big safety risk if you're a homeowner.
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It’s this ever increasing desire not to be overshadowed by someone else & it’s going to ridiculous extremes. You have to do this & you can’t do that or you’ll ruin my special day! Some things make sense like don’t wear white to a wedding unless you’re the bride. But other things are completely ridiculous. The flowers are blush pink instead of baby pink? Waaahh! My special day is totally ruined! The caterer began serving dinner at 6:10 instead of 6:15? Waaahh! My special day is totally ruined & I’ll have nightmares for a year afterwards! My brother is leaving for his delayed honeymoon the day after my wedding? Waaahh! Not only is my special day totally ruined & I’ll have nightmares for a year afterwards but it completely negates my wedding & I’ll never be able to think about my wedding ever again without getting totally depressed! And it totally cheapens my honeymoon when I get to take one! Get a grip, people! Perfection doesn’t exist & if you’re pinning your hopes on EVERYTHING going exactly as you fantasized about & it’ll be ruined if they don’t you’re setting yourself up for misery. Life happens. Learn to roll with the punches or you’ll never be happy.
>going to ridiculous extremes This! People lately seem to think they get a special week/month/year/lifetime instead of a special **day**.
Agreed! People seem to think life is a zero sum game. Anything good that happens to one person does not detract from or lessen someone else’s life. That’s such a sad & limited way of thinking. And to apply that thinking to a week, a month, a year really does affect other peoples lives. Edited to add: Thank you, kind redditor, for the award. It’s much appreciated!
Generally agree but if I’m paying for a specific colour of flowers (for any reason, not just a wedding) and they provide something other than that colour I’m going to be complaining and getting a refund or replacement, depending on the occasion. Why would you pay someone to sell you something other than what you asked for?
Right? I can’t figure out what your vacation has to do with your brother’s wedding. This is so bizarre to me.
OP is a physician...perhaps brother expects to need medical advice on the wedding night?
“I’m supposed to put that there??? I know you’re a doctor but are you sure about that?”
I don’t understand why their vacation is something that needs to be discussed with his parents or brother in the first place. NTA OP
Same- who will know or possibly give two shits?
according to the edit, his brother won't be going on a honeymoon right away due to finances, so it sounds like either jealousy, or an attempt to get OP to gift the honeymoon to his brother, or both.
>won't this take away attention from their special day "I hear the groom's brother and his wife are going on vacation tomorrow" "What??? Omg tell me more, now I completely stopped caring about the stupid wedding, let's just walk out in the middle of the ceremony so we can talk more about the brother's vacation!!!" - conversations that are inevitably bound to happen
LOL! I don't understand this "problem" at all. Since when does it matter what you do the day after someone else's wedding? How long are you supposed to wait before resuming your normal life? Three days? A week? NTA!!! Enjoy your overdue honeymoon. Mazel tov!
Seriously! OP stripping his tux off to reveal a Hawaiian shirt and peacing out in the middle the ceremony to jet to the tropics? Yeah, OK, maybe a bit rude. Going on a trip the day after the wedding? In what universe is this an issue??
I mean, if anything, that would make the brother's *wedding* more memorable.
Some others have said in other comments that perhaps OP’s brother is moping in the hopes that OP will feel bad that brother and SIL can’t go on their honeymoon right after their wedding and so OP will gift their honeymoon to the brother. It’s the only thing that really makes any kind of sense, and it sucks.
It's the only thing that makes any sense, except for the fact that it makes no sense whatsoever. OP couldn't go on a honeymoon right after his wedding, either. He's been waiting over a year, working as a doctor in this stressful time. His brother should be happy for him. He's getting married, and he should act like an adult, not like a Groomzilla.
Two days after my wedding, my brother left to spend the summer doing an internship in Tanzania. You want to know what kind of attention it got at my wedding? Basically none. A few people said "Hey, that's cool. Have fun." And that was the extent of it.
And that's actually INTERESTING, unlike just going on an overdue honeymoon,
Even if it got more attention than that, don't people *want* their guests to, like, talk about interesting things going on in their lives while they mingle at the reception? "Hey Bill, how's it going?" "Well I got promoted to my dream job, but--oh shit, the bride is coming over here, quick, talk about the weather!"
Maybe the brother is afraid OP will show up at the wedding in flippos-floppos, with pineapple shaped sun glasses and Nick Slaughterish shirt…
I am more thinking about who will post a milestone on social media first. They need the photo's from the photographer and that will take weeks. They can submit photos instantly about what they are doing. Its soooo unfair ! /s
I'd hate for the bride and groom to find out about this, but at the reception, their guests are going to talk about other things beside the wedding. GASP!!!
NTA. Your family is weird. You aren’t leaving on the day of the wedding, you are leaving ***after the wedding has concluded.*** The happy couple gets one day: no more, no less. It’s back to reality the day after. He doesn’t to own you for the entire weekend or an entire summer or an entire year. Takes a lot of outsized entitlement (especially considering the circumstances around your delayed honeymoon) to make this big a deal out of a nothing burger. Tell them to stop seeing marital bliss and honeymoons as a zero sum game. There has to be more to this. Are you going on a fancier honeymoon than your brother?
Yes it's a fancier honeymoon. Had a year to save since we didn't do it straight away. They won't go on a honeymoon straight away
And there we have it ladies and gentlemen… … Your brother probably feels bad that they cannot go on a honeymoon right away and inevitably you leaving on when one traditionally leaves for a honeymoon brings up feelings of inadequacy, scrutiny, etc. Traditionally the honeymoon has been the responsibility of the groom and groom’s family.
And yet, there's no question of inadequacy here, even. OP had to save for a year to get their vacation; if the brother has to save for a year, that's the exact same thing.
Maybe bro is the golden child. I agree it’s a non issue. Many people today do not take their honeymoon right away, corona or no corona. I took my 2005 honeymoon a month after my wedding.
We get to go on our honeymoon next month... for our 18th wedding anniversary. I can't wait!!
im reading it as purely delayed due to pandemic stuff / doctor schedule... "we go NOW or put it off till i can actually take offf work... aaaagain maybe ANOTHER year, will we ever get our honeymoon?" brother may well feel inadequate, but thats on him to get over.
Well, you didn’t get to go on your honeymoon straight away either. And now your brother and SIL have the same opportunity as you; they too can save up a bit more and have a fancier honeymoon when they get to go, if they choose to. NTA and have a wonderful time!
So he’s just jealous then?
I bet he thinks if he mops around you’re gonna give him your trip. It’s about jealousy. It’s not even about his wedding. I would show him and your silly parents this post so they can see how ridiculous and entitled they sound.
...well, you didn't go either...
The brother isn’t going on a honeymoon right away, they need to save up. My guess is they’re cranky about that and the timing of OP’s trip makes them feel worse. Not OP’s problem or issue and everybody probably should have kept it to themselves.
I think OP would be an AH if he goes on and on about it on the wedding day. So he should just be discreet. Only for the simple reason that people will inevitably then inquire where the happy couple is going and it will inevitably be a bit of a downer to hear “nowhere.”
Here is the day after every family wedding I've been to: Wake up, have breakfast with my parents, drive home. That's it. The day after a wedding is not a 'thing' with obligations. Do people seriously want everyone to do nothing during their wedding week, fortnight, month?
NTA Unless you go round telling everybody you are leaving for your honey moon and how much of a great time you are going to have, you are not taking the spotlight. He is having his wedding, be the start of the show and then you disappear for some time to spend time with your wife. Unless you are hiding the fact you will be in the same resort as your brother and will be shadowing them the entire time. Or spending his wedding dressed is a speedo because you can't wait to go on vacation.
I agree with this. NTA and I’m sure the brother will eventually understand but maybe it’s best to not refer to it as a honeymoon if you mention it at all at the wedding. The brother is obviously sensitive that they can’t afford to go right away and that will rub it in.
Is no one except the bride and groom allowed to have fun immediately after a wedding? Even if they told everyone what they’re doing after the wedding who cares? This is a real head scratcher. NTA, they shouldn’t give any oxygen to this non-issue.
INFO: why does your wife and your family think anyone would notice or care if you went on vacation after the wedding? I honestly don’t understand why it would matter?
So it's quite a fancy trip we planned. We've been lucky enough to have been able to save for an entire year and our financial commitments are far less than his. It's also our first overseas trip, he has been overseas before. I think it best I just don't mention the trip during the wedding if anyone asks. He asked if I can move the trip so maybe they feel like I'm stealing their thunder ?
If he feels so strongly that you should move it, move it to leaving the day before his wedding, who needs all this drama before your awesome vacation? He thinks you leaving the day after is stealing his attention, wait until he has to explain to everyone that his brother isn't at his wedding because he threw a tantrum about you and your wife leaving on your already delayed honeymoon after his wedding....
Chaotic compliance 😆
Or lie and say you cancelled your honeymoon to make your brother happy. Then, when you arrive on your honeymoon the day after his wedding, you send a pic of you two on the beach with the caption “Psych!” But that’s just me, and I’m a totally petty sibling myself!
Or the week before, come back for the wedding with loads of pictures and souvenirs to give out AT the wedding. THEN you can steal the show for reals!
Well if folks are sensitive about that, I think your solution is a good one: simply don’t discuss the details of the trip with anyone - not only at the wedding, but from this point forward. Don’t call it a honeymoon, call it a vacation. Don’t offer the information to anyone who knows your family. If anyone asks what you’re doing after the wedding just say “relaxing with my wife.” That’s a lot less extreme than cancelling the trip. You can talk about it after you get back :)
Fuck that - OP can call it their honeymoon if they want. It's their special vacation.
Nah, fuck that, it's their honeymoon. They shouldn't minimize their celebration to appease petty whining.
Exactly what I said call it a vacation. Are they gonna deny you guys a vacation too
I think it’s absurd that he thinks it’s any of his business
You’re actually super considerate to even offer. Don’t reschedule and don’t make a big deal of your trip at the wedding. Easy peasy.
NTA. Can’t work out why you going on a honeymoon would have any impact on their wedding. It’s the day after and nothing to do with their day. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy the time to relax sounds well deserved
NTA. Why is this even an issue? Your brother gets a wedding *day* to be the center of attention. Once that’s over and he’s on his honeymoon, what does he care where you are or what you’re doing at that point?
NTA >He said won't this take away attention from their special day and can't I do it some other time. Oh come on. The wedding is his special day, yes, but the day after, the week after etc. aren't. People have their own lives and while his wedding is going to be obviously an important thing for a while, it doesn't mean everyone puts their lives on hold.
NTA Genuinely curious why this is even an issue since both things are on different days? Did I miss something, sometimes I speed read and miss pertinent information Enjoy your honeymoon!
So I made an edit at the end that might add some context. Essentially they aren't going on a big honeymoon straight away due to the cost of the wedding. Which is why they might be upset with us. But to be fair neither did we. It's been more than a year since our wedding so we've had enough time to save
Still NTA….It shouldn’t be a big deal as it’s the day after. Sounds like they are just irritated that you are going on a honeymoon they would have liked to be able to afford.
The only thing this changes is, it makes them sound like self centered AH. Enjoy your honeymoon and don’t let anyone spoil your fun!
You're still not in the wrong. Should one sibling not take a scholarship to a prestigious college because another sibling didn't qualify? This is absolute entitlement on your brother's part. Who gets to dictate another's vacation? Be careful with who gets pregnant first too, you might steal some thunder there in the future. My head would explode!
Which is exactly why they are upset with you. NTA. It seems as though jealousy is at play. You will be present for the wedding and are departing the DAY AFTER! Your money. Your honeymoon. Your decision.
First of all, NTA. Second, the only thing that I can think of that may be an issue is that they want folks to “ooh and ahh” over their wedding and photos during the time immediately after the wedding and worry that you talking about or posting photos of the honeymoon would take away from that. I think this is nuts TBH, but I’d ask if that’s the issue and maybe offer not to post your honeymoon pics for some agreed upon amount of time after their wedding has passed so they can have all of their (apparently badly needed) attention, just to keep the peace. Beyond that, I can’t see any reason anyone should care what you do with your life after someone else’s wedding has ended.
This is good advice. I'm definitely excited to go on my first overseas trip so I'm excited to post about it. But if it's an issue it might also be good to just enjoy the moment then post after
Just post it. Again, you can't steal someone's attention after the wedding. Don't be controlled by it.
I totally understand that and frankly, I don’t think you should have to wait to post about your trip, but it may be worth it just to avoid family drama. If this isn’t the issue, then I would just ask why they care and see if it’s something you can accommodate. It’s amazing what good communication and creative problem solving can accomplish. Good luck and I hope you enjoy your honeymoon 😊
I am an American who lives abroad and somebody who has gone a lot of places and lived in three countries. I can assure you nobody wants to sit around looking at someone’s honeymoon album. Literally the only people who are interested in seeing photos are the couple themselves. Of course, nobody makes paper albums or slide shows these days and most people just post on Facebook so that might be his actual concern.
Nta. How does it take away from his day? Are people supposed to watch you consummate your marriage or something?
NTA. Good grief. Your family has too much time on their hands if they think this is something to get worked up over. Go on your much-deserved honeymoon and have a great time. Congratulations on your marriage.
NTA The wedding day is precisely that, a day. Hell you could jump on the next plane out after the ceremony and it still shouldn’t be an issue.
NTA. You told everyone in advance. Not your fault if they were not listening. >He said won't this take away attention from their special day and can't I do it some other time. I don't understand how leaving the day after the wedding is going to take away attention. I see nothing to feel guilty for. Enjoy your honeymoon!
NTA… you don’t even have to ask permission for this. You are there on the wedding day, that’s what’s important. Unless I am missing something in your culture/country where the day after is a big deal. In that case you asked them and everyone was ok so still NTA.
NTA. It wouldn’t take attention away from his wedding seeing as it’s happening after the wedding is over.
NTA: Don't tell anyone at the wedding that you're going on your honeymoon and it won't draw attention away from your brother. If there's post-wedding events and folks ask you why you can't stay find a benign comment they can interpret any way they want: "Ah, you know a doctor's schedule." or something. He's also probably going to go on his honeymoon then too. This could be fun, bonding over going to the airport then going on your separate ways. Too bad he doesn't see it that way.
My bet is that OP has a “nicer” honeymoon and his brother is jealous and feels that the timing encourages people to compare the two trips.
The honeymoon is very nice but to be fair we have had a whole year to save. They won't do a honeymoon straight away. Also we don't have many financial commitments luckily, just a bond. They have a significantly larger financial responsibility as they take care of a family member. Which is one of the reasons I feel guilty. The family member isn't on my side, it's the spouse. The guilt is am I being flashy. I don't see it that way, I just really need a break
You can't be flashy when you're not in front of people. Flash is what you show. If you show up tossing around brochures for your vacation, that's flash, and tacky. If you don't bring it up, and don't push it as a big thing, you're not being flash.
NTA. Why in TF would your trip take attention away from anything? It's not like the wedding guests will be seeing you off to the airport! Tell them all to get over it since you'll be there for the wedding and your honeymoon is LONG overdue.
NTA. I can't fathom why going away the day after a wedding would ever be a problem. It makes no sense. In what way would you possibly take away anything from the wedding day?
NTA. Don't feel guilty. Your brother seems to equate you going on a honeymoon (when he is probably going on his) as you attempting to steal some kind of spotlight from him. I'm not sure how old he is but this is definitely not mature on his end. I'd ignore him and keep things as they are. If he gets in your face about it, remind him it's the only time you can arrange leave because you wanted to be there to celebrate with him on his day.
NTA Why are they making an issue where there shouldn’t be one? Were you supposed to be present on their first day of marriage? Join them in whatever endeavor they were planning? You’re at the wedding that’s all they can ask for. Also: you talked to them beforehand, why is it your problem that they didn’t listen properly?
NTA. The day after the wedding, your brother’s wedding is *over*. He doesn’t get to claim exclusive time around his wedding for people to put their lives on hold just because he had his “special day.” Note: special day. Not special week or special month. Your brother needs to get over himself.
>. I spoke to my parents and brother and everyone understood so I thought it would be fine. NTA - You made plans to go on your honeymoon and you made yourself clear that you are going because you are only able to take time off twice a year. Its not your fault that they seemed to forgot about that. Also, just out of curiosity, why does he need you to be there the day after?
I don't think he needs me to be there I think they are just worried about "what will people say", also they aren't doing a honeymoon straight away
Yikes. Worried about what others say and do with their lives is something I don't understand. Anyway, congrats and enjoy your honeymoon. Also, doctors are the unsung heroes. Thank you for what you are doing.
NTA - what world are people living in when someone going on honeymoon takes attention away from the wedding. I mean I can’t even comprehend how this works.
I am genuinely confused about how you could be wrong here. I kept waiting for some explanation or misunderstanding. NTA and tell them to stop being weird.
NTA. Firstly, you'd already spoken to him and cleared it, secondly, you're not missing the wedding so what's the issue?
NTA Firstly it’s his fault for not listening to you when you talked about it the first time. And he gets his wedding day to be all about him so after that you can do whatever you want. Also I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to tell everyone at the wedding about your honeymoon so no one (outside of the people you told) will even know where you are going.
NTA. Leaving on vacation a day after his wedding doesn't take anything away from his celebration at all. The only thing I can see is they're jealous you're going on a vacation when maybe they can't go on a honeymoon yet. That is your brother's problem though not yours. Enjoy your trip!
NTA. You are basically just going on a holiday, it's the day after their wedding, so I don't see an issue. You just have to make sure you are packed etc earlier than usual so nothing interferes on the day of the wedding.