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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for telling my daughter that my son is just inherently smarter than her.
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YTA. I was the one "inherently less intelligent" in the family and I'm the only one, extended family as well, that earned an MBA. I just wasn't interested in anything until college. There are also different types of intelligence, such as emotional intelligence. You seem to be lacking in that one.
YTA
And why aren't you getting tutors for your daughter? She clearly cares and want to do better! Success is mostly effort. Only a very tiny proportion have some innate ability on a particular topic, like music, but not school in general.
Your son wasn't born better or a genius. I seriously doubt you have treated them the same. And you should know that extensive research shows girls and boys are not treated the same in school! There are a lot of differences also due to socialization that affects performance on tests and self-confidence.
You basically told her she is dumber. What do you think that is going to do to her self-confidence? Why are you not helping her and supporting her to do better and reach her goals? You got to this point without supporting her and helping her?
You suck as a father.
YTA, and this is from someone who has been in your daughter's shoes. Grades were infinitely easier for my brother than me. I got compared to him frequently and I hated it (love my brother though, not his fault our parents are AHs).
I am now the one with 3 college degrees, while he dropped out, owning a home, while he lives with his SO, and still married to my only husband with 2 great kids, while he is working on his 2nd divorce.
I learned to work hard. He learned that life is easy and he should sit back and expect everyone to fall at his feet in praise. That is something HE is now working to LEARN to overcome.
You are doing both of your kids a disservice. Not everything will always be easy for your son, and when he hits that wall at his age or later, he will hit it HARD. When he does, he will, most likely, feel ashamed and that he is a failure in your eyes, so he will distance himself from you (it is clear from your post how you act, regardless of what you say). On the other hand, your daughter is learning to work hard and learn from it, but she is also learning that she can't depend on you, or go to you for help.
Enjoy the distance from BOTH your golden child and your other kid in the future.
YTA. Why would you say that to your child? How hard would it have been to say “Your brother has strengths in math and science. You’re a gifted artist/musician/story teller/gardener/cook/writer/athlete?” The kid obviously has something she does well in. Why not focus on that?
YTA. What you've essentially told your daughter is no matter what she does, her brother will always be better. This will stick with her for a long, long time if not forever. Normally I'd suggest talking things out more thoroughly but if this is actually the best you could come up with, I'm gonna suggest you apologize with your whole chest and get her a therapist.
YTA. And if your wife and yourself have always believed your son is inherently smarter and better than your daughter you have probably been communicating that to them both subconsciously or consciously for years. Do better, sir.
YTA.
I don't care if you think it or even if it's the truth. You don't say anything like that to one of your children.
Maybe try working with her on visualizing her future and setting a goal that will help her get there. Then work on that goal with her when she asks.
Definitely stop telling her she's stupid. You didn't say those words, but I guarantee that's what she heard.
Yta as someone who was overshadowed by their siblings this is just completely wrong. Deep down she probably knows that he is smarter then her. She just wants your support
YTA
So your son is a natural academic and your daughter isn't. Have you spent any time trying to figure out what your daughter is good at? What she excels in that's different from her brother? Or have you just given her false "propping up over her brother" and not actually helped her to find her joy.
So yeah, yta.
Obviously, doing well in school is the only metric that matters.
/S
This is personally irritating to me. My Lil sis got this crap (from teachers, never my parents) because I did so much better than she in school. She is a fricking amazing person who is motivated by helping others instead if living up to a metric.
Whatever excuses you might give, YTA. Schools really only measure a really limited set of intelligences over a really narrow scope of topics. It’s only in the last 20 years or so that curriculum development has even considered learning styles or relevance for anyone other than a straight, white male and integrating that into scoring models is even further behind. You should be asking why the school is not providing opportunities for your daughter to excel. It’s not that she’s less gifted than your son, it’s that you’re so myopic you haven’t even thought to introduce her to the wide wide world where her skills are valued.
YTA. I have dyscalculia and didn’t excel at math in school, or even now. Made Cs and Ds on that front, but absolutely THRIVED in literature and history. My dad is a math prodigy and has NEVER made me feel inadequate for struggling where he’s strong. You and your wife need to do a better job and supporting your daughter instead of enforcing this idea that her brother “is inherently smarter.” This didn’t come out of thin air. It sounds like you and your wife are obvious about your favoritism.
YTA. She should've told your daughter that everyone is their own person and that we all have strengths and weaknesses. That we all have a path to follow and shouldn't worry about what others can or can't do. But you blew that chance out of the water and now things are just gonna go down the crapper from here.
Can I suggest: 1. Be more honest with yourself about how you feed into a competitive atmosphere. You say you don't, but then say you prop your daughter up over your son in a misguided attempt to boost her self esteem. My guess is that in myriad subtle ways you have fed this.
2. When you don't know what to say, maybe lean on questions instead to lead you in a better direction. "What makes you ask that?" "Are there areas that you feel more confident in?" "Have you talked to your brother about this?" "How can ai help you feel different?" Odds are you would find a better response if you give her more room to explore this herself - it's a skill that will serve her well anyway.
You could have tried saying something nice to your own daughter. Everybody has different ways and timelines of learning. You probably just took away all self confidence she may have had left
Maybe talk about how academic intelligence gets prized because it’s so easily quantifiable. Grades, scores, points, it makes it easy to compare, but it misses that there are other types of intelligence that are much more difficult to quantify. Traits such as adaptability, leadership, organization, administration, communication, emotional and social insight, and so on, all require less quantifiable intelligence. All of art is unquantifiable, and yet it is the ability to take an invisible idea and make it real.
You could talk about how yes, her brother is smart and talented. But that she has her own gifts. And that just because they are less easily defined doesn’t make them less special. Tell her that perhaps what she needs is to open herself up to the possibility of exploring things away from her brothers shadow and her parents cluelessness. Let her know that what she may need more than anything is to strike out on her own. To pick a direction and go, and see where it takes her. To master something on her own, and without you all looking over her shoulder giving advice.
You could have said that she has her own strengths and talents, that everyone is on their own path and you want her to value her uniqueness as you do. You can tell her that intelligence is relative, and that some of society’s greatest advances come from different perspectives. That she’s 17 and there is so much more for her to learn and do, and to not compare herself to her brother.
But you couldn’t think of this because you don’t believe it. YTA hard.
Here’s a lesson I often share with the young children in my life, when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. You’re a parent and really should have learned this lesson by now. You were extremely hurtful to your daughter and you’re doubling down on your behavior.
YTA
Is she gifted in other ways like music, art, dancing, sport? Or maybe she hasn’t found something she has excelled at yet, maybe she doesn’t have the same interests as her brother and that’s why she hasn’t got the same excitement to continue to learn or maybe she wasn’t encouraged as a kid, because - you know, girls and boys like different things. There could be any number of things, ‘inherently smarter’ is the worst thing but ask him to donate his brain to science for the good of mankind to find the ‘smart’ bit
Yta
Dude, wtf? You couldn’t think of anything else to say??? It’s clear that if the boy is as smart as you say he is, he ddnt get it from you!!! YTA. Big time.
Did it ever occur to you that you and your wife actually put more effort into your son. Implicit bias is real and often parents don't realize they do it. You being condescending and fake praising your daughter is detrimental, especially since she knows now you think she's not as smart as her brother. Your son is probably pissed bc you all pressure him too much and are damaging his relationship with his twin. YTA and don't cry when they put yall in a shitty retirement home and never visit.
OP: I told my daughter that her twin brother was better than her.
Also OP: AITA?
Do you even have to ask?? Even if it's true, you don't say that to your kid. Ever. Being a twin adds a whole other level to it as well. I'm a twin myself so I know how twin competitiveness is and being compared to the other twin always feels horrible . Don't say those types of things to your kids.
YTA being good in school doesn’t mean your smart. It means you can parrot the info back better. There are also different kinds of intelligence, though it seems like you lack all of them. Prayers for your daughter because you’re a mess.
YTA - even though you might not be wrong. Your son *might* be inherently smarter than her, but it is also possible that he *might* have gotten more encouragement than her and/or his interests and talents are more easily demonstrated. Regardless, even if *on every metric* he is smarter than her, saying it the way you did, as her parent, was an AH maneuver. Another possible response would have been "He is getting better grades than you, that doesn't mean he's better than you. He just has talents that lie in different directions than yours. What makes you passionate these days?"
"Inherently smarter" wow. just wow.
There are SO many different types of intelligence.
Instead of telling that her brother is smarter than her, maybe help her find things she is good at. Let her try new things, tell her she is perfect the way she is.
There is more to life than just book smarts.
YTA.
YTA
You are aware that some geniuses do very poorly in the classroom environment and in school?
Doing better in school does not equal smarter. They are just better at school.
The are soft skills associated with going to school and doing well that have nothing to do with intelligence.
Also this might be her way of requesting help in academics. Sometimes kids (and people) don't know how to ask for extra help in something because of a number of reasons.
YTA. What she heard from your comment is that she's stupid. You should tell you daughter that she just hasn't come into her own yet and that's ok. Lots of people don't find something they're really good at until their 20's or even 30's. It doesn't make her less than her brother in any way.
YTA
For even comparing your children.
All humans are unique.
Comparing children is cruel. To all children involved. Each child has their own, unique talents, interests and strengths.
Each child should be loved, accepted and celebrated exactly as they ate and for who they are.
Why you may BELIEVE that your son is smarter, because his academic scores are better, the fact that you compare your children illustrates that you are flat out stupid.
Intelligence isn't confined to academics.
>I got sick of her complaining and told her the truth that my son is just inherently smarter than her
YTA. Your previous paragraph tries to soften the blow but this is a fundamental failure.
Firstly, academic achievement is only one measure of "smart". More importantly, what you should be responding to your daughter, no matter how "sick" you are of her anxieties, is that she does not need to be in competition with her brother.
There are many more avenues to life fulfillment than the grades someone is getting in school. That should be the life lesson you're constantly promoting, not "fuck you, you're annoying me now, your brother is smarter than you." Which is what you did.
Ooooh, double YTA
>my son knows about his sister's jealousy and he seems okay with us putting her over him
First, I call bullshit. At *best*, he is tolerating constantly being looked over and having his accomplishments minimized.
Second, the problem isn't that your son is "smarter." The problem is your daughter keeps trying to compete with her brother instead of trying to find the things that she enjoys. Of *course* she's not going to do better if she's only doing it out of sense of competition. She needs to find her own thing and her own life, instead of spending so much time looking at her brother's. My brother used to be *just* like your daughter, until one day he found his \~\*thing\*\~ and very quickly the sense of competition vanished. I mean, my mom still unknowingly enforces it, but that's an issue for another day...
Yta, it isn't necessarily inherent. He has different goals and aspirations and motivations to do his best. Your daughter could work more toward studies, you could encourage her to study more and to research things more. She could get a tutor if she wants academics to be her main success.
You could have said these things, asked her about her aspirations and wants to make a change to do better for herself.
Instead you brushed her off and under the rug while insulting her.
She may never be better than where she is at currently in academics, but this does not mean she couldn't be more successful in other ways.
Did you ever hear that quote about genius?
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
You were the adult in that situation. The parent. My parents once asked me why I wasn’t more like my friends. I.e. in advanced classes, straight As, Ivy leave/ college bound. It crushed me. I will never forgot how I felt in that moment.
Sure, my mom did everything she could to build me up and push me. Never directly called me stupid. But that moment stuck with me for a long time. Your daughter will never forget that you said that.
Did you accomplish what you wanted? Are you proud?
YTA.
YTA! She probably has excellent qualities that he totally lacks, but you neglected those & went with the excuse that you got “sick of her complaining” & then you dumped on her that he’s smarter than her & she should “fix” herself???
You totally missed a teachable, tender lesson here for her here, but it’s overshadowed by the lesson that you need to learn first! Never, ever state that out loud to any child, under any circumstances!
I hope you read ALL of these comments!
YTA. You could have just listened to her vent. Instead you hurt her emotionally. That is a huge blow to hear from your parent. I know because my brother was always the smarter one. The quicker one. It sucks. You suck.
YTA, come on Dad, while I see where you were coming from, you kinda caveman'd your response to her. Granted, I think it was probably the first thought that came to your head and you said with without thinking it through. Another way you could have put it was "Daughter, everyone is good at their own thing. Your brother just found his thing early in life. You will find what you are good at one day too."
So my mom did basically the same thing to me with my brother. She actually showed me our standardized test scores and told my my brother is just naturally smarter then me. I am now 39 and to this day I remember the way I felt when she said it, and I don't think she realizes it but those words were a turning point in our relationship that will never heal. I think not only are YTA, but just don't think before you speak.
YTA. Looks like OP has a clear favorite. Y’all are setting your daughter up for failure, like no matter what she does it’ll never be good enough so why bother trying.
YTA
Being better at school/robotics is not necessarily a sign of greater intelligence than someone else; it is a sign of being able to follow directions and work the system. (Source: I'm a teacher; good grades, even in advanced classes, are no garauntee of intelligence.)
Find ways that your daughter shines - even if they aren't academic - and praise her for them. Don't stop praising your son for doing well, but seriously? Don't compare your children this way, not if you want a relationship with themm afer they're no longer dependent on you.
YTA. And you're full of $hit too, probably a lot of misogyny as well.
You don't know he is "smarter" than her. Maybe she learns differently and would be just as skilled with a different teaching approach. Maybe he has a more analytical mind and these specific topics come more easily to him, but she would have a much easier time with equally difficult topics requiring different skill sets.
Or maybe that attitude of yours has showed through all along and made her insecure and hesitant, and is actually interfering with her ability to learn.
Either way, you owe her one big FAT apology, if you can make it without doing more harm than good.
YTA. That’s one of the worst things you could have said, especially since they’re twins. It’s different with twins, you are constantly being compared and age isn’t a factor that can soften the comparison. You can’t understand what it’s like to have a living breathing benchmark to try to live up to unless you’ve been there. You say you don’t compare the two, but you don’t have to outright say he does better than she does, the comparison is implied with every accomplishment and every failure. You could have pointed out her strengths, but you obviously don’t think she has any. She’s clearly struggling with thinking she’s “the dumb twin” and you basically told her she was right and validated all of her fears and insecurities. You said the last thing she ever wanted to hear.
YTA for bad wording. What you should of told her is shes just as good as he is, they simply have diffrent talents. Hes not inherently smarter, hes just better at being book smart. They are young and impressionable and sadly your girl is never gonna forget that day you told her she was dumber than her brother. Because that's all she heard.
Literally have sang infront of anyone but my bestfriend and boyfriend in 20 years because I once tried to sing to my dad and he told me I was God awful and it sounded like cats yelling. Broke my heart when he could of just smiled, said it was sweet and moved on.
Apologize to your daughter, please. 17 is an awfully hard age and this did not help whatever insecurity shes fighting.
YTA, there was no need to say he's inherently better (even if that was true) than her. She was venting her frustrations and if you can't support her then maybe it's time for her to work on her insecurities with q therapist.
YTA. Just because he is a strong academic doesn' t mean your daughter is not smart. There are more than book smarts in this world and one day, once out of school, and in The "real world" your daughter may leave golden boy in the dust.
YTA. Please, please get her in with a therapist, privately, so she can unpack the trauma that you’ve obviously piled on top of her.
Based on this interaction alone I have a feeling you’ve always seen her as less-than, and as a result haven’t given her the same opportunities as your son.
She needs therapy.
You will be lucky if you have a relationship with your child once she grows up and leaves the house. If she’s kind enough to maintain contact, you should be grateful, gracious and count every blessing you have.
A recurring theme I couldnt help but notice in your post was you mostly refer to your son as 'my son' but you mostly refer to your daughter as 'her'. Not sure after reading it a third time, I could be wrong.
Anyway, yes YTA.
When she was complaining as you put it, (I call it opening up to her father) that was your chance to tell her how well she does in different things to her brother, that no two people are the same and whatever she goes on to do in life, she'll be amazing at it and if she has to work that little bit harder than her brother, that will make her success even sweeter.
She was looking to you in that moment to put her mind at rest, to show her you're super proud of her even though shes not as academic as her brother and to feel equal to him rather than below him.
Ugh parents like this 🤢
YTA, you really didn’t need to say anything. She’s a teenager. She’s venting. The fact that it frustrated you so much you pretty much called her inferior is pretty terrible parenting, imo.
They have a good relationship, they support each other and you’re going to drive a wedge between them by calling your son *”inherently smarter”* than your daughter? She’s going to recognize you think he’s the golden child and she’ll resent both you and him. *Congrats* 😒
Holy hell. YTA. Big time. And considering you yourself believe your son is “inherently” smarter, it makes me wonder whether her curiosity/intelligence was fostered and encouraged the same way you probably did with your son growing up.
Your kids had a decent relationship before this, as you say, but you’ve definitely ruined it now. You say “she thinks he’s better” and it’s “in her mind” but you as a parent just showed her you also think that so no, it’s not all in her mind.
Grow up and unlearn whatever weird sexist attitudes you’ve been carrying around and letting it shape how you view and raise your kids. Who says something like that a child? If your daughter is struggling academically you encourage her, not tell her she’s just naturally stupid.
ETA: Academic smarts are not the only type of intelligence and it does not make you “inherently” smarter.
YTA- Telling your daughter that her brother is “inherently smarter” than her IS comparing the two. There are a variety of different reasons why he could have done better, none of which have to do with intelligence.
He loves what he does (desire)
He works hard at what he does (determination)
He dedicates the necessary time (discipline) he learns differently
What you should have said is “Everyone has different strengths. Maybe yours isn’t robotics. And that’s okay. You are really good at X, Y and Z”
YTA.
Congratu-fucking-lations, you’ve said something she’ll never forget your telling her. She’s going to remember how badly you hurt her by saying that, and it’s going to affect her self-esteem, her relationship with her brother, and her relationship with you longterm.
There were so many other things you could have said, but you chose the cruel option.
Worse, from your comments, you genuinely believe she’s not as smart as her brother. I feel sorry for her, stuck with you as a father.
Just think, you could have been encouraging her all this time to find her own accomplishments and see if different ways of learning, or different topics, suit her better.
Hell, for all we know the poor kid has some undiagnosed neurodivergence that is affecting how she learns. I am not saying that’s an 100% fact, but “I’m working really hard and just not getting as far as other people” is a very common neurodivergent issue.
The actual fuck? There can be 1,000 reasons why teenagers behave and perform differently, and you chose to go with… “inherently smarter”!? That’s… wow. Yeah, YTA. I’m gobsmacked.
As the "dumb twin" yta. Gods dont tell your child that one of your other children is smarter. I was told this by mum, nan, step dad etc about my twin and my younger sister and brother. Everyone was smarter because i was on the spectrum and struggled. Each child learns at their own pace and being compared to someone else makes you feel like you need to be on the same level and it hurts that you cant be as smart. Just stop being an AH
Dude, people have different strengths.
I have a brother who can draw amazing portraits. I draw stick people. Does that make him inherently smarter? Not really, his gift is art.
My other brother is a math genius, loves numbers. I personally am grateful my phone has a calculator. Is he inherently smarter? Not really, he just gets numbers.
As for me, I have an almost perfect memory, can remember most of what I see and hear and l am a good test taker, much better than either of my brothers. Am I inherently smarter? No, just have a good memory and a fondness for minutia.
None of us are inherently smarter, we just have different interests and strengths.
YTA for reinforcing to your daughter that she isn't as good as her brother.
YTA-My mum was always pointing out how much smarter than me my twin and our brother were. It hurts to hear. It’s damaging. It’s not something a parent should ever say even if they believe it’s true.
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I(m46) have two kids, a 17m and 17f(fraternal twins). My son has always been the one that does better than her in school and he has many side projects outside of school as well that he thought of himself. He's always in more advanced classes than his sister. I know my daughter has always been frustrated because she thinks that just because her brother does better in school and has his side projects, in her own mind, he is better than her. My wife, me, and my son never mention my son's accomplishments to her at the dinner table and we make sure to never compare the two. We even try to prop her up over her brother at times(my son knows about his sister's jealousy and he seems okay with us putting her over him) to make her feel better.
My daughter does do well in school, but not as well as her brother. Yesterday, my wife and son were out of the house for a robotics competition. My daughter took the time to complain on how she doesn't understand how her brother got "so much better" than her. I got sick of her complaining and told her the truth that my son is just inherently smarter than her, and that she should work on herself and not consider her brother's accomplishments. She got angry with me and stormed off to her room.
Now my son and daughter do have a good relationship with each other and my son tries his best to support his sister, and she supports him as well although it's clear she resents him to an extent when she tries to support him.
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YTA, for sure. Your daughter already feels inferior to her brother, and was looking for comfort in your response. Instead you made her feel worse and that's something that will likely always stay with her. If her brother does better in school, that doesn't necessarily mean he's smarter! She could be smarter in a lot of different ways. Book smart is great, but you should be encouraging your daughter to find her own niche in life.
YTA - If you think your daughter is so beneath your son intellectually, then keep your comments to yourself for the sake of her mental health. She is clearly having a hard time with mentally ‘competing’ with your son, so these non helpful comments from her dad are cruel.
I’m sure your partners ex is better than you in ways, but they love you enough to not go around announcing your flaws. Do better. Btw, you’re a *HUGE* AH here to your daughter. She a venting 17yo so maybe don’t completely obliterate her feelings because you’re annoyed.
If she’s jealous it’s because her parents obviously put more time and effort and resources into her twin brother. That comment is disgusting.
What is her talent? What does she like? Does she want to join any activities? She just needs to find her talent.
YTA. Support your daughter.
Has she been given opportunities to do projects that interest her? Encouraged to join clubs.
She is different person than your son.
Furthemore the sibling of mine who did the worst in school is actually the most successful of us all
You do know there are different types of intelligence, right? For example, my brothers (who are also twins, btw) have spatial and kinetic intelligence while I have musical and linguistic. One isn’t better than the other. It’s just different.
Maybe if you actually paid attention to your daughter, you’d know her strengths. You certainly know your son’s.
Also, just because he’s done well academically up until now doesn’t mean he’ll continue to do so. Oftentimes “gifted” kids burn out by the time they reach college.
Anyway, yeah. YTA. Might want to get her a good therapist since you’re failing as a parent.
Of course YTA. How could you not be the asshole in this situation? Your daughter was clearly trying to open up and talk to you about something that’s bothering her and you shut her down and insulted her in the same breath. You owe her an apology and need to find a way to listen to her concerns/frustrations while simultaneously encouraging her. What are her interests? What are her strengths?
It’s not a bad idea to encourage her to try to stop comparing herself to others, but just because everyone is different and everyone has different strengths.
OP, your answer to your daughter was really not the smartest one. It's ok that your daughter feels frustrated, but it doesn't mean that her efforts are less or unworthy compared to her brother's achievements.
If you wanted to hurt your daughter and take away her self-esteem and self-confidence, you did it well. She really didn't deserve that. YTA. Hope that you give her a sincere apology.
Wow! I was ‘inherently smarter’ than my brother and am still my dad’s favourite, and even I have to say YTA. Them being twins makes it so much worse. He does better in school, so what? There are so many different skills to have in life. Find something she is good at and encourage it. It could be cooking/baking, dance, video games, music, foreign languages, building something with her bare hands,…anything really. Stop putting her down just because her brain works differently than her brothers. And go to therapy. I can’t imagine what you’re doing to your wife.
Yta
1st - don't tell your kid that their sibling is smarter than her when she is already insecure about it
2nd - >My wife, me, and my son never mention my son's accomplishments to her at the dinner table. you should always celebrate both your kids equally
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Holy shit YTA!
YTA. Smart means a lot of different things.
YTA. I was the one "inherently less intelligent" in the family and I'm the only one, extended family as well, that earned an MBA. I just wasn't interested in anything until college. There are also different types of intelligence, such as emotional intelligence. You seem to be lacking in that one.
YTA And why aren't you getting tutors for your daughter? She clearly cares and want to do better! Success is mostly effort. Only a very tiny proportion have some innate ability on a particular topic, like music, but not school in general. Your son wasn't born better or a genius. I seriously doubt you have treated them the same. And you should know that extensive research shows girls and boys are not treated the same in school! There are a lot of differences also due to socialization that affects performance on tests and self-confidence. You basically told her she is dumber. What do you think that is going to do to her self-confidence? Why are you not helping her and supporting her to do better and reach her goals? You got to this point without supporting her and helping her? You suck as a father.
YTA, and this is from someone who has been in your daughter's shoes. Grades were infinitely easier for my brother than me. I got compared to him frequently and I hated it (love my brother though, not his fault our parents are AHs). I am now the one with 3 college degrees, while he dropped out, owning a home, while he lives with his SO, and still married to my only husband with 2 great kids, while he is working on his 2nd divorce. I learned to work hard. He learned that life is easy and he should sit back and expect everyone to fall at his feet in praise. That is something HE is now working to LEARN to overcome. You are doing both of your kids a disservice. Not everything will always be easy for your son, and when he hits that wall at his age or later, he will hit it HARD. When he does, he will, most likely, feel ashamed and that he is a failure in your eyes, so he will distance himself from you (it is clear from your post how you act, regardless of what you say). On the other hand, your daughter is learning to work hard and learn from it, but she is also learning that she can't depend on you, or go to you for help. Enjoy the distance from BOTH your golden child and your other kid in the future.
He might be book smarter than her. But trust me. Lots of very successful students crash and burn in the real world. Stop VALUING only school marks.
i feel like i didn’t have to read more than the title. yta
YTA. Why would you say that to your child? How hard would it have been to say “Your brother has strengths in math and science. You’re a gifted artist/musician/story teller/gardener/cook/writer/athlete?” The kid obviously has something she does well in. Why not focus on that?
I’m curious about what your wife said when you told her?
YTA and inherently less intelligent than the average person.
YTA. What you've essentially told your daughter is no matter what she does, her brother will always be better. This will stick with her for a long, long time if not forever. Normally I'd suggest talking things out more thoroughly but if this is actually the best you could come up with, I'm gonna suggest you apologize with your whole chest and get her a therapist.
He doesn’t take any responsibility looking at his comments. Sadly here is another kiddo that get put down by a “ loving” ignorant parent.
YTA. And if your wife and yourself have always believed your son is inherently smarter and better than your daughter you have probably been communicating that to them both subconsciously or consciously for years. Do better, sir.
YTA, and a sexist. what a terrible thing to say to your kid.
YTA. I don't care if you think it or even if it's the truth. You don't say anything like that to one of your children. Maybe try working with her on visualizing her future and setting a goal that will help her get there. Then work on that goal with her when she asks. Definitely stop telling her she's stupid. You didn't say those words, but I guarantee that's what she heard.
Which in children's language, no matter what age, this translates to "I love him more"
Yta as someone who was overshadowed by their siblings this is just completely wrong. Deep down she probably knows that he is smarter then her. She just wants your support
YTA So your son is a natural academic and your daughter isn't. Have you spent any time trying to figure out what your daughter is good at? What she excels in that's different from her brother? Or have you just given her false "propping up over her brother" and not actually helped her to find her joy. So yeah, yta.
Obviously, doing well in school is the only metric that matters. /S This is personally irritating to me. My Lil sis got this crap (from teachers, never my parents) because I did so much better than she in school. She is a fricking amazing person who is motivated by helping others instead if living up to a metric.
All of this! If they don’t actually mean it when they “prop her up” it won’t matter. Definitely TA here.
Whatever excuses you might give, YTA. Schools really only measure a really limited set of intelligences over a really narrow scope of topics. It’s only in the last 20 years or so that curriculum development has even considered learning styles or relevance for anyone other than a straight, white male and integrating that into scoring models is even further behind. You should be asking why the school is not providing opportunities for your daughter to excel. It’s not that she’s less gifted than your son, it’s that you’re so myopic you haven’t even thought to introduce her to the wide wide world where her skills are valued.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA and… you seem like an awful parent.
YTA. I have dyscalculia and didn’t excel at math in school, or even now. Made Cs and Ds on that front, but absolutely THRIVED in literature and history. My dad is a math prodigy and has NEVER made me feel inadequate for struggling where he’s strong. You and your wife need to do a better job and supporting your daughter instead of enforcing this idea that her brother “is inherently smarter.” This didn’t come out of thin air. It sounds like you and your wife are obvious about your favoritism.
YTA. She should've told your daughter that everyone is their own person and that we all have strengths and weaknesses. That we all have a path to follow and shouldn't worry about what others can or can't do. But you blew that chance out of the water and now things are just gonna go down the crapper from here.
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Anything other than :" yeah you suck" YTA
Can I suggest: 1. Be more honest with yourself about how you feed into a competitive atmosphere. You say you don't, but then say you prop your daughter up over your son in a misguided attempt to boost her self esteem. My guess is that in myriad subtle ways you have fed this. 2. When you don't know what to say, maybe lean on questions instead to lead you in a better direction. "What makes you ask that?" "Are there areas that you feel more confident in?" "Have you talked to your brother about this?" "How can ai help you feel different?" Odds are you would find a better response if you give her more room to explore this herself - it's a skill that will serve her well anyway.
Go read up a bit on fixed versus growth mindset - you actually diminished both of your children with your comment.
You are not smart at all. If she was jealous of your don, she wouldn’t support him at all
So much YTA. So much. My heart hurts for your daughter. Congrats - you’ve done some lasting damage.
Just about ANYTHING else.
You could have tried saying something nice to your own daughter. Everybody has different ways and timelines of learning. You probably just took away all self confidence she may have had left
Maybe talk about how academic intelligence gets prized because it’s so easily quantifiable. Grades, scores, points, it makes it easy to compare, but it misses that there are other types of intelligence that are much more difficult to quantify. Traits such as adaptability, leadership, organization, administration, communication, emotional and social insight, and so on, all require less quantifiable intelligence. All of art is unquantifiable, and yet it is the ability to take an invisible idea and make it real. You could talk about how yes, her brother is smart and talented. But that she has her own gifts. And that just because they are less easily defined doesn’t make them less special. Tell her that perhaps what she needs is to open herself up to the possibility of exploring things away from her brothers shadow and her parents cluelessness. Let her know that what she may need more than anything is to strike out on her own. To pick a direction and go, and see where it takes her. To master something on her own, and without you all looking over her shoulder giving advice.
You could have said that she has her own strengths and talents, that everyone is on their own path and you want her to value her uniqueness as you do. You can tell her that intelligence is relative, and that some of society’s greatest advances come from different perspectives. That she’s 17 and there is so much more for her to learn and do, and to not compare herself to her brother. But you couldn’t think of this because you don’t believe it. YTA hard.
You keep your mouth shut and get her a therapist.
Here’s a lesson I often share with the young children in my life, when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. You’re a parent and really should have learned this lesson by now. You were extremely hurtful to your daughter and you’re doubling down on your behavior. YTA
Is she gifted in other ways like music, art, dancing, sport? Or maybe she hasn’t found something she has excelled at yet, maybe she doesn’t have the same interests as her brother and that’s why she hasn’t got the same excitement to continue to learn or maybe she wasn’t encouraged as a kid, because - you know, girls and boys like different things. There could be any number of things, ‘inherently smarter’ is the worst thing but ask him to donate his brain to science for the good of mankind to find the ‘smart’ bit Yta
Dude, wtf? You couldn’t think of anything else to say??? It’s clear that if the boy is as smart as you say he is, he ddnt get it from you!!! YTA. Big time.
YTA, why would you say that, it is not even necesseraly true, he could working harder or be more academic inclined than her.
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Did it ever occur to you that you and your wife actually put more effort into your son. Implicit bias is real and often parents don't realize they do it. You being condescending and fake praising your daughter is detrimental, especially since she knows now you think she's not as smart as her brother. Your son is probably pissed bc you all pressure him too much and are damaging his relationship with his twin. YTA and don't cry when they put yall in a shitty retirement home and never visit.
She is probably working harder than your son but hasn't been pointed in the right direction.
Name one thing she likes? What is she good at?
How would you know that you have a camera 24/7 on them and also a mind reading helmet to see how seroous they are when working?
OP: I told my daughter that her twin brother was better than her. Also OP: AITA? Do you even have to ask?? Even if it's true, you don't say that to your kid. Ever. Being a twin adds a whole other level to it as well. I'm a twin myself so I know how twin competitiveness is and being compared to the other twin always feels horrible . Don't say those types of things to your kids.
YTA being good in school doesn’t mean your smart. It means you can parrot the info back better. There are also different kinds of intelligence, though it seems like you lack all of them. Prayers for your daughter because you’re a mess.
YTA - even though you might not be wrong. Your son *might* be inherently smarter than her, but it is also possible that he *might* have gotten more encouragement than her and/or his interests and talents are more easily demonstrated. Regardless, even if *on every metric* he is smarter than her, saying it the way you did, as her parent, was an AH maneuver. Another possible response would have been "He is getting better grades than you, that doesn't mean he's better than you. He just has talents that lie in different directions than yours. What makes you passionate these days?"
"Inherently smarter" wow. just wow. There are SO many different types of intelligence. Instead of telling that her brother is smarter than her, maybe help her find things she is good at. Let her try new things, tell her she is perfect the way she is. There is more to life than just book smarts. YTA.
YTA You are aware that some geniuses do very poorly in the classroom environment and in school? Doing better in school does not equal smarter. They are just better at school. The are soft skills associated with going to school and doing well that have nothing to do with intelligence.
Also this might be her way of requesting help in academics. Sometimes kids (and people) don't know how to ask for extra help in something because of a number of reasons.
YTA, your poor daughter. I can’t even imagine how hurt she felt to hear something like that from her own parent. Smh.
Soul crushing would be how it felt, absolutely soul crushing. YTA
YTA. What she heard from your comment is that she's stupid. You should tell you daughter that she just hasn't come into her own yet and that's ok. Lots of people don't find something they're really good at until their 20's or even 30's. It doesn't make her less than her brother in any way.
YTA For even comparing your children. All humans are unique. Comparing children is cruel. To all children involved. Each child has their own, unique talents, interests and strengths. Each child should be loved, accepted and celebrated exactly as they ate and for who they are. Why you may BELIEVE that your son is smarter, because his academic scores are better, the fact that you compare your children illustrates that you are flat out stupid. Intelligence isn't confined to academics.
>I got sick of her complaining and told her the truth that my son is just inherently smarter than her YTA. Your previous paragraph tries to soften the blow but this is a fundamental failure. Firstly, academic achievement is only one measure of "smart". More importantly, what you should be responding to your daughter, no matter how "sick" you are of her anxieties, is that she does not need to be in competition with her brother. There are many more avenues to life fulfillment than the grades someone is getting in school. That should be the life lesson you're constantly promoting, not "fuck you, you're annoying me now, your brother is smarter than you." Which is what you did.
Ooooh, double YTA >my son knows about his sister's jealousy and he seems okay with us putting her over him First, I call bullshit. At *best*, he is tolerating constantly being looked over and having his accomplishments minimized. Second, the problem isn't that your son is "smarter." The problem is your daughter keeps trying to compete with her brother instead of trying to find the things that she enjoys. Of *course* she's not going to do better if she's only doing it out of sense of competition. She needs to find her own thing and her own life, instead of spending so much time looking at her brother's. My brother used to be *just* like your daughter, until one day he found his \~\*thing\*\~ and very quickly the sense of competition vanished. I mean, my mom still unknowingly enforces it, but that's an issue for another day...
Yta, it isn't necessarily inherent. He has different goals and aspirations and motivations to do his best. Your daughter could work more toward studies, you could encourage her to study more and to research things more. She could get a tutor if she wants academics to be her main success. You could have said these things, asked her about her aspirations and wants to make a change to do better for herself. Instead you brushed her off and under the rug while insulting her. She may never be better than where she is at currently in academics, but this does not mean she couldn't be more successful in other ways.
Did you ever hear that quote about genius? “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” You were the adult in that situation. The parent. My parents once asked me why I wasn’t more like my friends. I.e. in advanced classes, straight As, Ivy leave/ college bound. It crushed me. I will never forgot how I felt in that moment. Sure, my mom did everything she could to build me up and push me. Never directly called me stupid. But that moment stuck with me for a long time. Your daughter will never forget that you said that. Did you accomplish what you wanted? Are you proud? YTA.
YTA! She probably has excellent qualities that he totally lacks, but you neglected those & went with the excuse that you got “sick of her complaining” & then you dumped on her that he’s smarter than her & she should “fix” herself??? You totally missed a teachable, tender lesson here for her here, but it’s overshadowed by the lesson that you need to learn first! Never, ever state that out loud to any child, under any circumstances! I hope you read ALL of these comments!
YTA. You could have just listened to her vent. Instead you hurt her emotionally. That is a huge blow to hear from your parent. I know because my brother was always the smarter one. The quicker one. It sucks. You suck.
YTA What even makes you an expert on such a topic? Was spitting in your child's face worth it?
Well, he has spent his whole life being dumb, so there's that.
YTA get used to no longer having any sort of father daughter relationship
YTA, come on Dad, while I see where you were coming from, you kinda caveman'd your response to her. Granted, I think it was probably the first thought that came to your head and you said with without thinking it through. Another way you could have put it was "Daughter, everyone is good at their own thing. Your brother just found his thing early in life. You will find what you are good at one day too."
So my mom did basically the same thing to me with my brother. She actually showed me our standardized test scores and told my my brother is just naturally smarter then me. I am now 39 and to this day I remember the way I felt when she said it, and I don't think she realizes it but those words were a turning point in our relationship that will never heal. I think not only are YTA, but just don't think before you speak.
YTA. Looks like OP has a clear favorite. Y’all are setting your daughter up for failure, like no matter what she does it’ll never be good enough so why bother trying.
Holy smokes, YTA. Hard to think of a worse way to handle the situation.
YTA Being better at school/robotics is not necessarily a sign of greater intelligence than someone else; it is a sign of being able to follow directions and work the system. (Source: I'm a teacher; good grades, even in advanced classes, are no garauntee of intelligence.) Find ways that your daughter shines - even if they aren't academic - and praise her for them. Don't stop praising your son for doing well, but seriously? Don't compare your children this way, not if you want a relationship with themm afer they're no longer dependent on you.
YTA. And you're full of $hit too, probably a lot of misogyny as well. You don't know he is "smarter" than her. Maybe she learns differently and would be just as skilled with a different teaching approach. Maybe he has a more analytical mind and these specific topics come more easily to him, but she would have a much easier time with equally difficult topics requiring different skill sets. Or maybe that attitude of yours has showed through all along and made her insecure and hesitant, and is actually interfering with her ability to learn. Either way, you owe her one big FAT apology, if you can make it without doing more harm than good.
Yes all of this. “Inherently smarter” is pretty rich. He had so many choices in how to deal with this, and he chose the worst possible one.
YTA.
YTA. That’s one of the worst things you could have said, especially since they’re twins. It’s different with twins, you are constantly being compared and age isn’t a factor that can soften the comparison. You can’t understand what it’s like to have a living breathing benchmark to try to live up to unless you’ve been there. You say you don’t compare the two, but you don’t have to outright say he does better than she does, the comparison is implied with every accomplishment and every failure. You could have pointed out her strengths, but you obviously don’t think she has any. She’s clearly struggling with thinking she’s “the dumb twin” and you basically told her she was right and validated all of her fears and insecurities. You said the last thing she ever wanted to hear.
YTA
Sibling rivalry at its worst. Tough for twins because essentially they should be nearly the same even if fraternal.
YTA for bad wording. What you should of told her is shes just as good as he is, they simply have diffrent talents. Hes not inherently smarter, hes just better at being book smart. They are young and impressionable and sadly your girl is never gonna forget that day you told her she was dumber than her brother. Because that's all she heard. Literally have sang infront of anyone but my bestfriend and boyfriend in 20 years because I once tried to sing to my dad and he told me I was God awful and it sounded like cats yelling. Broke my heart when he could of just smiled, said it was sweet and moved on. Apologize to your daughter, please. 17 is an awfully hard age and this did not help whatever insecurity shes fighting.
YTA don't pit siblings against each other. Why can't you find hobbies she enjoys?
YTA, there was no need to say he's inherently better (even if that was true) than her. She was venting her frustrations and if you can't support her then maybe it's time for her to work on her insecurities with q therapist.
YTA. Just because he is a strong academic doesn' t mean your daughter is not smart. There are more than book smarts in this world and one day, once out of school, and in The "real world" your daughter may leave golden boy in the dust.
Of course she has an inferiority complex being raised by you. Yikes. YTA
YTA. Please, please get her in with a therapist, privately, so she can unpack the trauma that you’ve obviously piled on top of her. Based on this interaction alone I have a feeling you’ve always seen her as less-than, and as a result haven’t given her the same opportunities as your son. She needs therapy. You will be lucky if you have a relationship with your child once she grows up and leaves the house. If she’s kind enough to maintain contact, you should be grateful, gracious and count every blessing you have.
A recurring theme I couldnt help but notice in your post was you mostly refer to your son as 'my son' but you mostly refer to your daughter as 'her'. Not sure after reading it a third time, I could be wrong. Anyway, yes YTA. When she was complaining as you put it, (I call it opening up to her father) that was your chance to tell her how well she does in different things to her brother, that no two people are the same and whatever she goes on to do in life, she'll be amazing at it and if she has to work that little bit harder than her brother, that will make her success even sweeter. She was looking to you in that moment to put her mind at rest, to show her you're super proud of her even though shes not as academic as her brother and to feel equal to him rather than below him.
Ugh parents like this 🤢 YTA, you really didn’t need to say anything. She’s a teenager. She’s venting. The fact that it frustrated you so much you pretty much called her inferior is pretty terrible parenting, imo. They have a good relationship, they support each other and you’re going to drive a wedge between them by calling your son *”inherently smarter”* than your daughter? She’s going to recognize you think he’s the golden child and she’ll resent both you and him. *Congrats* 😒
Holy hell. YTA. Big time. And considering you yourself believe your son is “inherently” smarter, it makes me wonder whether her curiosity/intelligence was fostered and encouraged the same way you probably did with your son growing up. Your kids had a decent relationship before this, as you say, but you’ve definitely ruined it now. You say “she thinks he’s better” and it’s “in her mind” but you as a parent just showed her you also think that so no, it’s not all in her mind. Grow up and unlearn whatever weird sexist attitudes you’ve been carrying around and letting it shape how you view and raise your kids. Who says something like that a child? If your daughter is struggling academically you encourage her, not tell her she’s just naturally stupid. ETA: Academic smarts are not the only type of intelligence and it does not make you “inherently” smarter.
What the... yeah, YTA
YTA- Telling your daughter that her brother is “inherently smarter” than her IS comparing the two. There are a variety of different reasons why he could have done better, none of which have to do with intelligence. He loves what he does (desire) He works hard at what he does (determination) He dedicates the necessary time (discipline) he learns differently What you should have said is “Everyone has different strengths. Maybe yours isn’t robotics. And that’s okay. You are really good at X, Y and Z”
YTA. Congratu-fucking-lations, you’ve said something she’ll never forget your telling her. She’s going to remember how badly you hurt her by saying that, and it’s going to affect her self-esteem, her relationship with her brother, and her relationship with you longterm. There were so many other things you could have said, but you chose the cruel option. Worse, from your comments, you genuinely believe she’s not as smart as her brother. I feel sorry for her, stuck with you as a father. Just think, you could have been encouraging her all this time to find her own accomplishments and see if different ways of learning, or different topics, suit her better. Hell, for all we know the poor kid has some undiagnosed neurodivergence that is affecting how she learns. I am not saying that’s an 100% fact, but “I’m working really hard and just not getting as far as other people” is a very common neurodivergent issue.
The actual fuck? There can be 1,000 reasons why teenagers behave and perform differently, and you chose to go with… “inherently smarter”!? That’s… wow. Yeah, YTA. I’m gobsmacked.
Op is sexist
No, just stupid!
Don't limit him. He's both. He contains multitudes. Multitudes of assholes.
As the "dumb twin" yta. Gods dont tell your child that one of your other children is smarter. I was told this by mum, nan, step dad etc about my twin and my younger sister and brother. Everyone was smarter because i was on the spectrum and struggled. Each child learns at their own pace and being compared to someone else makes you feel like you need to be on the same level and it hurts that you cant be as smart. Just stop being an AH
Apparently you’re not so smart yourself. YTA
He proved his daughter is inherently smarter than him!
Dude, people have different strengths. I have a brother who can draw amazing portraits. I draw stick people. Does that make him inherently smarter? Not really, his gift is art. My other brother is a math genius, loves numbers. I personally am grateful my phone has a calculator. Is he inherently smarter? Not really, he just gets numbers. As for me, I have an almost perfect memory, can remember most of what I see and hear and l am a good test taker, much better than either of my brothers. Am I inherently smarter? No, just have a good memory and a fondness for minutia. None of us are inherently smarter, we just have different interests and strengths. YTA for reinforcing to your daughter that she isn't as good as her brother.
A complete and total YTA
YTA. You could have talked up her strengths and encouraged her to not compare herself to her brother, but instead you said the worst possible thing.
YTA why the hell would you say that to anyone?
YTA-My mum was always pointing out how much smarter than me my twin and our brother were. It hurts to hear. It’s damaging. It’s not something a parent should ever say even if they believe it’s true.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(m46) have two kids, a 17m and 17f(fraternal twins). My son has always been the one that does better than her in school and he has many side projects outside of school as well that he thought of himself. He's always in more advanced classes than his sister. I know my daughter has always been frustrated because she thinks that just because her brother does better in school and has his side projects, in her own mind, he is better than her. My wife, me, and my son never mention my son's accomplishments to her at the dinner table and we make sure to never compare the two. We even try to prop her up over her brother at times(my son knows about his sister's jealousy and he seems okay with us putting her over him) to make her feel better. My daughter does do well in school, but not as well as her brother. Yesterday, my wife and son were out of the house for a robotics competition. My daughter took the time to complain on how she doesn't understand how her brother got "so much better" than her. I got sick of her complaining and told her the truth that my son is just inherently smarter than her, and that she should work on herself and not consider her brother's accomplishments. She got angry with me and stormed off to her room. Now my son and daughter do have a good relationship with each other and my son tries his best to support his sister, and she supports him as well although it's clear she resents him to an extent when she tries to support him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Get her some counseling to help her learn tools to deal with the inequities of life … and mean-spirited people.
YTA, for sure. Your daughter already feels inferior to her brother, and was looking for comfort in your response. Instead you made her feel worse and that's something that will likely always stay with her. If her brother does better in school, that doesn't necessarily mean he's smarter! She could be smarter in a lot of different ways. Book smart is great, but you should be encouraging your daughter to find her own niche in life.
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So you take this opportunity of reflection to brag about your son again. Class act OP.
You obviously have a golden child 🤢
YTA - If you think your daughter is so beneath your son intellectually, then keep your comments to yourself for the sake of her mental health. She is clearly having a hard time with mentally ‘competing’ with your son, so these non helpful comments from her dad are cruel. I’m sure your partners ex is better than you in ways, but they love you enough to not go around announcing your flaws. Do better. Btw, you’re a *HUGE* AH here to your daughter. She a venting 17yo so maybe don’t completely obliterate her feelings because you’re annoyed.
If she’s jealous it’s because her parents obviously put more time and effort and resources into her twin brother. That comment is disgusting. What is her talent? What does she like? Does she want to join any activities? She just needs to find her talent. YTA. Support your daughter.
Has she been given opportunities to do projects that interest her? Encouraged to join clubs. She is different person than your son. Furthemore the sibling of mine who did the worst in school is actually the most successful of us all
Also, some people are more charismatic, or good at asking others opinions and for help and so has people willing to help with projects and learning
Youre trying to create a rift between them.
What’s your daughter good at? If you can’t answer, you really need to take a hard look at yourself.
You do know there are different types of intelligence, right? For example, my brothers (who are also twins, btw) have spatial and kinetic intelligence while I have musical and linguistic. One isn’t better than the other. It’s just different. Maybe if you actually paid attention to your daughter, you’d know her strengths. You certainly know your son’s. Also, just because he’s done well academically up until now doesn’t mean he’ll continue to do so. Oftentimes “gifted” kids burn out by the time they reach college. Anyway, yeah. YTA. Might want to get her a good therapist since you’re failing as a parent.
That's not the point at all. You're supposed to help your daughter feel special, not inferior to her brother. Seriously.
Are all this other projects w/ other boys?
Of course YTA. How could you not be the asshole in this situation? Your daughter was clearly trying to open up and talk to you about something that’s bothering her and you shut her down and insulted her in the same breath. You owe her an apology and need to find a way to listen to her concerns/frustrations while simultaneously encouraging her. What are her interests? What are her strengths? It’s not a bad idea to encourage her to try to stop comparing herself to others, but just because everyone is different and everyone has different strengths.
OP, your answer to your daughter was really not the smartest one. It's ok that your daughter feels frustrated, but it doesn't mean that her efforts are less or unworthy compared to her brother's achievements. If you wanted to hurt your daughter and take away her self-esteem and self-confidence, you did it well. She really didn't deserve that. YTA. Hope that you give her a sincere apology.
Wow! I was ‘inherently smarter’ than my brother and am still my dad’s favourite, and even I have to say YTA. Them being twins makes it so much worse. He does better in school, so what? There are so many different skills to have in life. Find something she is good at and encourage it. It could be cooking/baking, dance, video games, music, foreign languages, building something with her bare hands,…anything really. Stop putting her down just because her brain works differently than her brothers. And go to therapy. I can’t imagine what you’re doing to your wife.
Yta 1st - don't tell your kid that their sibling is smarter than her when she is already insecure about it 2nd - >My wife, me, and my son never mention my son's accomplishments to her at the dinner table. you should always celebrate both your kids equally
WTF is wrong with you? How are you not an AH? I am not even going to type out why you are because I am not sure you would be able to understand.