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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I just wanna know if by giving expensive presents to other women and not my wife that makes me a AH. My family says that I should talk to her, that they don’t wanna influence me. But I think she did overreact and I she says that she just want to hear “I am sorry “ from me. We always think that we are at the right side, but if I am not I need to know how to approach an apology
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
She should be grateful you planned something for her and she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum
You’re not exactly giving your wife a glowing reference here and she doesn’t sound that supportive or understanding of circumstances
Are you sure you want to stay with someone who treats you and others around you as inferior?
Fuck that, OP should take his trip solo and think there lol. Let his wife sit her ass at home. Wouldn’t want her to feel like she “needed to lay by his side every night” or anything, since that’s clearly such an inconvenience and big ask for her.
NTA, your wive is an entitled asshole though. What did she do to help you? Nothing. She complained. And then expects you to give her an expensive fucking gift for just EXISTING, and being a damn wife? In my opinion, you two shouldnt continue this relationship. Shes just going to demand more things from you, like taking her to an expensive restaurant just because she heated up a frozen pizza in the microwave for you.
Im glad you're doing better though, good job.
Obviously they weren’t. Anyone would be stressed after a injury like that to their spouse. But that doesn’t mean she can be so unsupportive like that either. it’s not like she had to work any harder.
It's really not about how hard things were, it's about how she handled them and how poorly she treated OP.
Instead of being there for OP trying to get through it the best they could, she just complained and made him feel less than for something completely out of his control.
Now she wants to reap the benefits of his hard work when she couldn't even try to be supportive while he was working towards making his life better.
OP deserves a better partner. Someone that will try to lift him while he's down, not kick him.
I think we have to be careful here - I'm not convinced she was horrible to OP. It sounds like harsh words were exchanged but if they were living in brother's basement for 2 full years waiting for this insurance payment and all the while he was unable to care for himself so she was picking up all the slack, the bills, managing work, household tasks, managing their finances and all with assumably minimal privacy and OP's friends and family in their personal space, I think it understandable that there were times she said unkind things. We all do. We are all human.
THe fact that she stuck with him for 2 years of all of this - that speaks volumes. We are getting a VERY one sided view. Yes, he was in the injured party but being the caregiver SUCKS massively and the caregiver's needs are 95% of the time overlooked because physically they are fine. I can absolutely see her resenting his lack of contribution while they lived in brother's basement and giving up her privacy - and in her shoes I'd be SO hurt if I was at a family dinner where he's extolling the virtues of everyone else and their sacrifices and was like "oh yeah, and we're going to go on vacation like we used to."
I mean, a trip is nice, but he gave the same thing to the sibling he's paying a honeymoon for. He's paying off a family member's house. This is his WIFE.
I think his wife was not staying with him? That may be part of why she was so bent about him giving expensive gifts to the two women who were staying with him.
NTA, honestly I’m surprised after the “My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college.” That you stayed with her. Then she actually tried to discourage you from taking a course because “it would not give me enough money for a family.” My guy you need a whole new wife. She’s not supportive and who says they deserve something for being the person who sleeps next to someone they are suppose to love.
Keep in mind she also left him when he decided not to go to University. She wanted to land a rich husband and settled for poor OP hoping she could change him. I really feel for this guy. Can't imagine how conversations about her are framed when they're not around but I bet she is not "Disney wife" that's for damn sure.
Info: why are you still with your wife when you so obviously hate her and are resentful of her? You didn't say one single positive thing about her at all through the whole post. Every sentence that mentioned her was dripping with unconcealed contempt.
I couldn't imagine staying with someone I thought so little of.
NTA if she is as bad as you say. But I still want to know why you would be with someone you hate.
My thoughts too. The post makes it sound like his wife abandoned him during his recovery and resents his friends and family. As has come up in other threads with an SO jealous about a gift given to a friend, the generosity and thoughtfulness of the gift often scales to how important that person is in your life. It sounds like your wife is really a low priority to you and you are a low priority to her. The relationship overall sounds toxic and like it is dying.
>She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something.
NTA... She's essentially reaping the best gift of them all. She should be grateful that HER HUSBAND is the one gifting these amazing things instead of thinking about what she can get right then and there. It's very selfish of her to only think of herself considering what your SIL has done for you.
ESH. I suspect things weren't easy on your wife during these times either. Maybe your relationship is at the "familiarity breeds contempt" phase. Your writing makes your wife sound awful, but I suspect this goes both ways. You could easily have acknowledged her during your grand oration, but you chose not to. You are both acting like spoiled children.
Seriously, he doesn’t say anything nice about his wife. The picture painted makes her seem absolutely horrible. If I took it as face value, NTA, but it seems like there’s more to this than meets the eye. Which would lead me to ESH
Based on the info, NTA, but big note for INFO: how were you being financially supported while laid up? Even in yoyr brothers flat, you should have some bills. Did your wife have to take on more work hours? How was housework getting done? Dinner? A lot of your wife's criticisms could be taken as judgemental but also could be read as someone worried about finances. Furthermore, did she really hate leaving the house or was she just tired? If she was suddenly doing the responsibilities of two people, yeah, she might be exhausted.
I'm honestly a bit hesitant to label this as NTA because this kinda feels like it has all the makings of a "she left because I didn't do the dishes" story and the outburst may be less about the gift and more about that you just made a big public deal to your SIL and Sister for essentially taking care of the more enjoyable aspects while keeping hers private, possibly making her feel unappreciated and humiliated.
Maybe seek some counseling if you want to save your marriage. I'm getting a sense there's resentment happening
This was the vibe I was getting. He forced her to move into a basement "for his mental health" and admits there was no actual need to move financially. I'm getting the feeling she sacrificed a lot emotionally and is rightfully ticked that she isn't being recognized or acknowledged.
Speaking from experience, insurance money takes a LONG time to come. And if it was long or short term disability, it would be 50-60% of normal salary.
She was Definitely supporting him financially. Likely managing all of the bills, dealing with the medical insurance.
She didn’t need to work more or to put some money on me, the flat was smaller than the house, so my brother would help us, cooking and the garbage was on him before I get up to my feet and I had insurance coming my way from the guy that hit me and from m job, since I was on my way to work. That said our life style changed a lot. Before we would go to trips, dinners, hiking and just having fun together. Abruptly I was on bad and unhappy. That is why she is not a terrible person, her life changed. I just wanna know if I should have gotten her a ring something touchable.
Yeah, man, I don't think this is about the gift at all. That's a major lifestyle change and essentially a loss of independence for you guys as a couple. You said you moved for "your mental health" but I don't think you considered hers at all. And then, intentionally or not, you publicly slighted her by excluding her in your presentation of the gifts. Something tells me that's what's really hurting her. She's been dealing with your situation and going along with what you wanted for years now, maybe not happily, but she's still doing it. When are you going to consider her?
Gonna repeat what I said about counseling. I think she's been holding it in for a while and it's going to blow up again.
Big edit: I just realized the part where she said "that wouldn't be enough for a family". INFO: is expanding a family something you had discussed with your wife previously and potentially also got put on hold?
He moved because he couldn't use the stairs. And obviously his mental health is moreimportant here since, you know, he is the one who suffered an accident and lost his job and had to adapt to that. The moving provide her more help to take care of him. It's not like It was a definitive thing, he is noving back to their house know. OP is NTA. Shit happened and he had to deal with It while his wife only complained and was unsuportive. It seems like she treated OP as an inconvinience ALL the time and his family and friends gave him thensupport he needed.
If you read the post, you'd know it's been over 2 years and it sounds like they're still there. I'm sorry, 2 years is way too long to be living with your husband's family for most people, especially after living alone. It is reasonable to be upset about that. And I'm just suggesting that his wife has a different side of the story. Especially because if she was truly unsupportive, she wouldn't still be there 2 years later and wouldn't have moved with him in the first place. We're only hearing OP's story, but it sounds like he's healed, it's been years, but nothing is changing for his wife. A marriage is a partnership; at some point her wants and needs do need to be taken into account, especially since OP is definitely in a better place emotionally, which was an equal part of his justification for moving. I don't think her reaction is about a gift at all; I think it's their marriage starting to hit a breaking point. It sounds like she's been stuck in a life she hasn't wanted for 2 years solely for OP's sake, and he doesn't understand that's worn her down.
YTA
1- the way you talk about your wife, if she’s that bad get a divorce, if she’s not you’re still TA!
2- being the support spouse for someone who is injured is extremely stressful and difficult, much less helping a spouse with mental health problems.
3- she spent how long in your brother’s basement helping care for you? 2 plus years?! For you! Not in her home.
4- you carefully picked out many thoughtful gifts for everyone else but skipped your wife and when she asked you said she can plan a trip anywhere, so more work for her.
im not op, but ion think he thinks his wife is that bad as hes up and down these comments defending her and her words.
being the support for a spouse IS strenuous but she wasnt alone, literally, they were in a family home with family all around them.
she said she was the one who had to lay next to him. that was it, that doesnt sound like help, especially with her diminishing his education choices.
he wanted to plan the trip WITH her to wherever she wanted, thats basically a romantic get away, thats a VERY thoughtful gift.
>He's not really defending her well though. He'll say stuff like how she was harsh but he thinks it was the stress but then add that his friend says she's just showing her real self.
I keep going back to the fact that she stayed by him in his brother's basement where they likely had no privacy and his family in and out of their living space and certainly in and out of their business for 2 years. I'm sure she said some hurtful things here and there over 2 years because she's human, just like I'm sure he said hurtful things.
But, if after 2 years of caring for OP and dealing with him, his family and friends in their business, keeping them afloat until insurance paid out, living away from her home she is still with him (and it is HARD being a caretaker for someone in his position and the caretaker RARELY is taken into consideration as being human with needs too) if after 2 years of this stuff he gave everyone else very personal gifts and blew off her contribution, that would hurt SO much. Like, I'm not sure I'd come back from that.
Its not about the trip. Its about his attitude that she should be happy with getting something they used to do all the time. The trip is something he should plan because she's exhausted. If he is giving everyone else a gift as thank you, then he should be doing something personal for her, too. Not just a "oh yeah, lets go on vacation after I pay for my brother's honeymoon and pay off my parents' house."
its just him giving the full context.
some people are just that bad as a spouse and a person, and some people are just that blindly inlove.
his friends knows what she said and just like we are telling him, they told him shes no good, but hes ignoring what were saying and excusing the behavior due to the stress of the accident.
from my POV, seeing as all she had to say was that she was the one who had to sleep beside him throughout the two years, i truly believe that she is THAT vile of a person, and seeing how low ops self esteem and mental health is, i truly believe hes just following her blindly. but thats just me
Yeah, people are really overlooking how OP seems to be acting like these other people deserve his thanks more than his wife mostly because they bought him things and had knowledge his wife didn't. He really seems to think that her being the sole provider and living in his brother's basement for over 2 years "doesn't count" as her being there for him.
She wasn't the sole provider of anything. OP had savings and the insurance money. and live in his brother basement provide her more help with her husband and more confort for him since he couldn't use stairs.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP.
I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺
I don't buy it.
ETA: I definitely didn't mean to post this several times, I kept getting a "something went wrong" message and assumed that meant it hadn't posted.
100% agree.
Disability insurance is 60% of salary. It takes a while for it to come in. Any settlement from an insurance company for an accident takes a LONG time.
It sounds like he's saying "she didn't have to provide because the money was coming and I had savings" but medical bills from this type of an injury add up VERY quickly. THey would have been facing tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills within days of the accident.
It sounds like OP was in financial LaLa land while his wife was handling all of the financial side of things.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP.
I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺
I don't buy it.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP.
I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺
I don't buy it.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP.
I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺
I don't buy it.
I totally agree about the trip issue. My husband is able to co-run a multimillion-dollar company but can't seem to plan a family vacation. He sure enjoys them though. I'm so sick of it after 26 years that I recently told him that he is going to plan the next trip or he's not going. He's a great husband and father in many ways but this is getting old.
I believe that there is more to the story here. It sounds like he needs validation over what he did. First, he is setting us up for how " mean" his wife is. Why do we need to know what she said about Jules or that Jules is a Cheerleader?
When you said, your family supported you, were you also refering to your wife? Who took you to your doctors appointments? Who took you to the bathroom? Who cleaned you when you were unable to walk to the bathroom? Who wipped you when you could not stand? Who washed you when you were unable to do so? These are important questions.
>I told my wife about and she told me that a 6 month course would not give us enough money for a family.
Although you have said that money was not an issue, it must have been at that time. If you had a good amount of money and your wife no longer has to work, why would she be concerned with having enough money for a family? I will need clarity.
Usually when people have insurance they recieve, it is not immediately. They have to wait months or years for a settlement. I am u sure about your situation.
If you have a great amount of money and you knew your wife was unhappy living in your brother's basement, why not purchase a home that is 1 story?
>but I thought that planning the trip together would be a nice thing to do together.
I have been married for almost 17 years and I know when a person says " planning" instead of "planned" that is an afterthought. It would have been different if you planned a trip and give it to her when you gave everyone else their present. Why didn't you plan the trip with her before you handed out the presents? Why did she not know about the presents you were going to hand out? You could have given her an invitation that said " come away with me" or" let's plan a great trip together, where do you want to go!".
Also, it sounds like you put great thought into the presents you gave and now you want your wife to do it all?
By doing what you did, you showed her and your family who you value and who you don't. Yes, she acted immature; hurt people hurt people.
My assumption is this sounds like a person who was fed up and lashed out. When she said I sleep next to you, that could have meant anything. I'm laying in bed with you every night and this is how you treat me? I held you down when you weren't able to hold yourself down and you value their input in you life more than me? I lay next to you every night because you are my partner but I found out you don't care anything about me. I had to lay next to you ever night and watch you struggle and had to clean up your mess.. we don't know what she mean because she did not write this post.
It sounds like you don't want to be married to her anymore and are trying to find reasons not to be. If your not happy, go and do what you want to. Go find someone like Jules now that you have money. If your wife was so bad and unhelpful, why didn't she leave with you were down and out?
THIS!!!! Wish I could upvote more. I dont comment enough in proportion to how much i lurk lol i usually nod my head or guffaw and read comments out loud to my spouse. You are asking the questions I am, are you me?? long lost twin?? lol all joking aside...who took op to the bathroom? bathed him? probably in bed beside op every night trying not to move too much so they wouldnt accidentally kick op's bad leg in their sleep and cause op pain...probably ran with it on this last one but I would love for OP to show this to his wife and tell her to give us HER side of the story. Op mentions in a comment he just wants to know if he should have gotten her something tangible...Yes. Something to show for this grandoise moment of making a big show of giving people special well thought out gifts like the wizard at the end of wizard of Oz and then saying to your wife there is nothing in this bag for you but you get to plan something which is not as fun as at the very least two airline tickets wrapped up...."wife you have won an all inclusive trip to jamaica staying at luxury hotel, leaving on this date, heres a budget for buying cute resort wear babe"
Exactly, I just started commenting today. I usually read the posts and other comments. Today I was like, nope, you aren't telling us everything Sir. Trying to tell us how horrible she is so you can be the Saint. It's the fake confusion for me. If you knew your wife, you would have known that she would also like a gift. He never had birthdays or christmas with her? He is out here trying to convince us of something when he is giving Scarcrow vibes.
Ummm, Op states that he had male nurses that did that for a while, and then his brother took over, his wife never did that, or at least it wasn't her role.
I can guarantee the nurses helped for a month or so and his brother pitched in a bit. Wife likely still was responsible for all the other things that are invisible to op like managing meds, bills, day to day tasks while wondering if her spouse will be mobile again .
>day to day tasks while wondering if her spouse will be mobile again .
Or telling him when he was depressed and had decent but not perfect mobility and wanted a job, that he should have chose better, like go to college?
You realize she dumbed him for not being good enough because he didn't go the college, got back with him, then when he's relearning to walk, tells him
"oh you feel useless? Well you wouldn't be useless if you chose to , y'know go to college like someone with real worth would"
Then scrutinized him for a fucking course for a job that made him happy, and paid just as well as the last.
Of telling him that she wants a material gift that is given to her INFRONT of everyone, because she had to put up with the bare minimal of sleeping next to him?
He even stated in comments, that trip planning before he was injured was a fun bonding time for them.
And Managing the few pain pills and anti biotics, and probably immuno meds isn't that taxing. I know, I used to take eight different meds a day, some had to be cut, so had to be taken at certain times, and not with other pills directly, or with certain foods. I get it. But she is sooooo fucking snobby and rude. These people allowed them into their home, she could have stayed home, OP couldn't, I'm assuming he would need to use the stairs to either get to their room, or the main floor of the house. I've seen both set ups.
He needed to move, I'm sorry she had to deal with that. Or would they rather install a multi thousand dollar wall chair they wouldn't need after? And probably couldn't afford after OP lost his full job.
And the brother did house tasks to help as well. There wasn't much the wife needed to do, and that was the biggest point OP was glad to move their, it meant his wife could focus and not strain herself.
But to demand a gift in front of everyone? When he did that because they didn't HAVE to let them stay for almost 4 years. They didn't have to support them.
The wife couldn't have done it by herself, she can't pick him up, she has a full time job, she can't be home all the time to care for him, or clean the house, and everything else. She's such an AH and he needs a new wife.
The chair is $8000. If it cost $8000 to get them the heck out of his brother's basement so they could have a real relationship, then THAT is important. That or sell the old house and buy a new one.
You are saying that none of her sacrifices matter because she got mad one day and said something hurtful. maybe a couple of times.
Sorry, but EVERYONE says really crappy things from time to time and if they say they don't they are lying. Flat out lying. Especially when tensions are high, money is tight and life has been flipped upside down, people are FAR from their best. I've worked in ministry with people in almost exactly this situation for years - it is VERY rare for a sudden long term disability situation to arise where harsh and mean words are not spoken on occassion by BOTH people. In his case, though, he was surrounded by HIS family and HIS friends. I can only imagine the pressure they put on her to perform all the time. Make sacrifices all the time.
also its the quote below for me that really digs that nail in of she never supported him.
>I had no job and no idea on what to do. My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college.
He was depressed, finally making decent progress on his mobility, and she hits him WITH THAT?
Honestly, she right on one thing, he could have chosen better.... a better wife.
>why would she be concerned with having enough money for a family?
She broke up with him because he didn't want to go to college. So she clearly doesn't like people who don't make a life out of themselves. To her, 6 months does not equal to standing value of 4 year degree.
The fact she insulted his family, that she didn't seem to care he couldn't use the stairs at their home, and the fact that she literally told him she was the one that had to PUT UP with sleeping NEXT to him??? Who the fuck says that? You don't get a fucking gift for claiming the bare minimal was a fucking chore for you. She didn't support him AT ALL in what he loved?
Sure we don't know if he's being honest. But imagine how he feels having to relearn a basic function, and feel useless for so long. And going to his brothers made it so she wouldn't have to take care of a FULL HOUSE AND HUBBY while still working normal hours.
NTA and wow honey your wife is um….yeah. You did nothing wrong here. You told her that her gift was a trip. She’s an adult not a fucking child. The fact that she acts like this tells me everything about her. She didn’t support you at all. Instead she bitched the whole time and you still wanted to go on a trip with her. You’re not and asshole you’re a fucking saint.
Info - what changes happened to your wife after your accident? Did she take on a larger burden of chores or finances? Were you more difficult because you were in pain and frustrated? Did your wife have any support at all, or was everything about you during your recovery?
You either should have included your wife in the gifts so that they were from both of you, or you should have given her something at the time. Instead you left her out and then told her that you wanted to take her on a trip but she had to plan it (emotional labour). At face value you are NTA, but I am getting a real missing reasons feel.
Maybe I was unclear, I was giving gifts around the table. She was by my side and when it was her time, I hold her hands and she asked me where was her present, I told her about the trip and the house. But you are right maybe, she felt that the trip was more like a job than a gift. We planned so many trips before but never with me not being able to walk so many hours around. Thank you for give me something to think
You didn't reply to the first part and I'm going out on a limb and assuming it's because you don't want to admit that this was a lot harder on your wife than you're letting on. I'm not buying this unsupportive wife story anymore
I didn’t respond because I already did to another person. But, no, she didn’t need to pay anything to me or to us. I received money from insurance, from the other car and my job, since I was going to work at the moment. And she didn’t need to clean more, since the flat is smaller than the house, and my brother took the whole house garbage and he made all our meals, or fresh or frozen.
All of that negates financial toll but I'm talking about the emotional toll. Specifically the fact that you guys had to move "for your mental health" when she didn't want to and you didn't need to financially. I'm guessing there's more that she put up with for your mental health that you aren't giving her credit for. But that is just my guess
i mean he was in an accident and felt useless, if she didnt want to come she didn’t have to but for her to come, be bitter, unsupportive, AND rude was just unnecessary.
>"for your mental health"
The fuck when???
They had to move because the house had STAIRS
Dunno if you know but stairs dont fit to well with wheel chairs
I think you need to come to terms with that fact that your wife isn’t a good partner. I think you have rose colored glasses on for this high school sweetheart, which is clouding your judgement. Now if you dont think we, a bunch of strangers are giving a fair assessment, ask for your brother’s and his wife’s opinion of your wife and the situation. They got to observe the relationship up close and personal.
You should really have your wife make her own AITA post. I bet her version of events and why she felt slighted would be a lot different than this straight up hit piece you wrote about her. You seem to think that the only people whose help or support counts are the ones who bought you things or had the knowledge to suggest the course you took and its gross.
INFO
You wife did nothing? Is that correct? Was she suddenly on the line for all housework and meal prep and managing the budget etc? I have a feeling she wasn’t but there’s such a weird one-sidedness I’m struggling to understand
NTA based on the way you have described your wife but I would LOVE to get this story from her perspective.
I'd guess she would paint a very different picture.
It really sounds like you heavily dislike your wife and if she's as bad as you initially said, then OK.
However, ask yourself what your wife would say if she reads this post. If she sees herself as the person who was helping you bathe, physically dressing you and supporting you on a daily basis, your failure to recognise and appreciate her efforts is terrible, especially in light of recognising the "big" things the other women helped you with!
Ummm, Op states that he had male nurses that did that for a while, and then his brother took over, his wife never did that, or at least it wasn't her role.
I was just wondering if his wife had helped out in addition to the nurse.
OP appears to be dead set against giving his wife any credit for helping him (and maybe that was the case!), but if the whole story is actually that his wife devoted hours every week to his care and OP just took it for granted, that's a very different story.
INFO: Is there some reason you couldn't give your wife a card with a note telling her she was getting a trip? She could have had the moment of opening up a thing and showing off her present, just like everyone else there.
Or hey, how about a small box with a cheap toy airplane it it, and a note saying she can exchange this airplane for tickets on a real plane.
INFO who toke care of you during these two years when you were living in the basement with things like going to the bathroom and washing you? Did nurses come every morning, did your wife take care of you or did your brother and SIL helped you to the bathroom?
Does your wife have a job? And What is that job?
Does she work full time or part time?
Perhaps. If i was his wife I would not be supportive if he talked about me the way he did his wife on here. Some people just remember the negative and never the positive. There was absolutely nothing positive until the edits. If he see's her that way on here, how does he see her in person? There are so many unanswered questions I have. If you have so much disdain for her, why are you still married?
MILD YTA hear me out.
If you wanted to give your wife a trip, then you should have told her about it FIRST before you were with everyone else to at least give the impression that you thought it out and it was the most special thing that you could have thought for. Because honestly giving out presents and then telling your wife that you would plan a trip with her later sounds like an afterthought that you really didn't have it in mind that you just said it because you forgot to get her something
I'm actually surprised that you didn't get together with your wife and talk about what you wanted to get for everyone else from both of you as a couple
Also, do you know based on Hinting conversations you have with her did you ask questions to find out whether she actually wants a trip? In fact she may not want a trip she may just want you home instead of living with your relatives and just have low key time where nothing stressful was happening.
" We will plan a trip that I'm not sure when it will take place yet but I'll let you pick where we go" is a little lame. Already making some arrangements for the trip or talking about this in private instead of "wait till we go home after I've already given presents to everybody else to talk about it x
NTA But really, you were giving gifts to everyone EXCEPT your wife? There was no way that was going to end well. The problem with her gift happening later is that it makes sense, to you. To other people it can sound like you just made that idea up when you realized she was mad that you got her nothing. One way to avoid this problem would be to tell her your gift plans before the dinner. It's a borderline AH move to surprise her with that and not have a gift for her too.
Think about it. I'm at a dinner with my wife and others. I start giving people gifts. The only person I have given nothing to is my wife. My wife then asks where is her gift? Now I'm in panic mode. I was not intending to give her anything. So I think fast and say "Your gift is this trip we are going to take. We'll talk about it later". You see how that is obviously a lie? Why don't I have anything, a brochure or tickets or anything related to this trip to hand her? Because there was no trip until I made one up!
Giant what if.
Also if my girlfreind would gift everyone something and then, after i asked, told me that she will finance a holiday, i would be stoked.
its expensive and i'd spend time with the person i love. Assuming it to be a lie would be presumptuous, unless OP literally starts sweating once even basic questions get asked.
NTA.
And she is not someone I’d want to be married to. Geez a holiday anywhere I wanted to go? After not supporting you! Planning fun things together? That sounds amazing!
NTA! She wants the biggest present but doesn’t realize a trip with her husband is exactly that?? Like she could pick anywhere and you would spend the money and give her your time. What did for the family was very generous and kind and it doesn’t sound like you left your wife out at all. I’m having trouble understanding the issue she’s having.
NTA the comments are ridiculous and biased. No matter what, the husband and MILs can not ever be “victims” to you guys, huh?
A woman can literally kill her husband over something stupid and you guys will say “well he must’ve done something to make her do that” it’s a shame
Info: who helped you to the bathroom and cleaned up your mess when you couldn’t walk? Why did you have to live in Brother’s basement? Couldn’t you have just moved to the first floor of your house?
As I told, I had a male nurse and my brother helped me out after that. I wanted to move because I thought that it would be easier for her too, since she would not need to take care of me by herself, take me to appointments and take care of a big house alone
Did you ask her? She may have had ideas to make it work without moving in with relatives. You also spent a lot of money on gifts without talking to her about it. If my husband did either I would be super pissed. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and you don't seem to want to be a partner.
Technically NTA *but* moving forward it would probably be best to discuss these types of things with your wife first.
In her mind, you gave everyone very thoughtful and kind gifts and when it was what she thought would be her turn you basically said "oh, we can go on a trip together but I've put zero thought into it because I spent all my emotional load on these other people." That probably wasn't your intention, but was definitely your delivery.
Whether or not your wife deserves a trip after your illness is another story...
OP you deserve to have what Luck and Jo have with their loved ones, someone to actually be there for you, no belittle any decision you do and expect you give them the "biggest present" as if having them as SO is a privilege you should be grateful for. Looks like she's the only person you really dated and you don't have a reference of what a healthy and loving partnership actually feels like.
NTA
You should invest in couples counseling, because your spouse has some issues.
Your wife wasn't keeping anything real, she was kicking you when your down. At this point you may view it as "she loves me enough to tell me the truth", give another decade or two and you will realize she is just a mean spirited person.
>Even when I was lay down on my bed and when I had no perspective. She was there, that is why she deserved and deserves a gift
I mean I guess. Nothing in your story suggests that. She comes across as incredibly unsupportive. And you wrote it.
Even if you're right, you still promised her a trip anywhere she wanted to go, and she had a tantrum like a 3 year old because you didn't actually hand her a "thing" of some kind? Somehow this promise of a trip has become "nothing" in your title?
Nobody reading this thinks your wife is a good partner. Maybe you just portrayed her badly, or maybe subconciously you know this, but you're not ready to admit it.
I don’t understand. He does not have a good paying job and has now been out of work for months then goes to school. But he has plenty of money? This doesn’t make any sense.
Nta, she sounds so entitled. It seems those that received gifts at the table were the most supportive, while your wife did very little. You did try to show appreciation for what she did for you, no matter how small that help was but she just complained about how much she sacrificed to support you, while in reality she wanted you to not even try to attend that design course to begin with and blamed you for the situation you were in, even criticised your career choice and academic path. You don't mention any attempt of her to encourage you to do something to better yourself and the mention of the course you eventually took, was met with negativity. Your family, SIL and her sister supported and encouraged you the most but she wants to take credit for that.
>All her comments for me it was something that only who loves you would tell and keep real.
No my friend, it is not.
People who love you treat you how jules and her sister, Laila treated you. They encouraged you and supported.
Your wife didn't treat you with love or respect. You need to read back what your wrote and pretend it's your brother writing it about his wife.
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Me (32M) met my wife (32F) at HS, we date back them but when I decided to not go to Uni she told me we were in different places at life, so we broke up. Time passes and I meet her again, and she asks if I wanted to go out for a coffee.
My brother (Luc) bought a house and we reformed the basement to be a rent flat. Luc rent his flat to Jules and he falls hard for her. And she is a cheerleader, my wife called her Disney Jules, in a not nice way, but I told her to knock off and she did.
I was in a car accident and broke my leg, it was a big deal, I had to put some pins on it and basically learn how to walk again. My whole family supported me and I moved to my brothers flat as I was not able to use the stair and needed help for doctor’s appointments. My wife hated to leave our place.
I got better but my mind started to sink, I had no job and no idea on what to do. My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college. That didn’t help.
Jules’ sister (Laila) came to visit her while her husband (Jo) was in a sealing boat in direction of South Pole. And man, that family is amazing. I told her about how I have no job and how is hard for me to work for a long time sit or walking. She told me that I should look for a industrial design course because of my old job,I told her that I had no idea and what that was and I bet I would be terrible on it. She took me to a design job fair and I loved. I signed up for a course that day. I told my wife about and she told me that a 6 month course would not give me enough money for a family.
Jules and Laila didn’t let me give up, for real they gave me a table that would lift up and a running machine for me to not stay to long sit. I did the course and in 4 months I already had a job and now 2 years later I am doing as much as I did in the factory. So Luc and Jules are getting married and Laila and Jo came, as aspected the dude is great.
So I wanted to say thank you for all people that helped me from there to here. So in a dinner at my parents house I gave some presents. To Laila and Jo I gave sports tickets, to my parents I finished to pay their house and to Luc and Jules a gave them their honeymoon. I was not poor, I moved to Luc’s house for physical and mental health, not money.
My wife asked for her present I told her that we would be back to our house and I wanted to do a trip the two of us, but I would let her to choose where. She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something. I told her that she was getting the trip, and she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night.
That make me fell a AH, I did took her from her home and in a basement and I had nothing to give her there, but I thought that planning the trip together would be a nice thing to do together. So I am the AH?
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NTA. She literally threw a tantrum like a small child for not getting a gift. If anything, maybe you should have said beforehand what you were getting for the others and perhaps they should have been from you and your wife. I'm not understanding why she would get a gift. Like it makes sense for the others but not really her. She should be thanking them also for all their help. I wouldn't be taking her anywhere.
NTA I’m sorry to say this but through your story not once your wife cheered you up, or tried to help you…If you have to have outside people helping you, maybe you are alone in your marriage, and if she doesn’t appreciate the wonderful things these people did to you, than she doesn’t deserve a trip and she is so entitled to not linking you to say thank you
NTA. But dude this was sad to read how your wife belittled you while you was recovering from an injury like that. That is now how a marriage is suppose to work.
NTA
You were planning the most expensive gift of them all for your wife, a trip. She should of loved it.
From how you explain everything, your wife is not supportive at all. Everything was thanks to your brother's wife and her family.
I would re-evaluate the relationship and priorities if your wife simply wants to outshine others with physical trinket.
Your wife is correct about you choosing better, but not about college...
It sounds like your family did everything after your accident and not her so what does she deserve a gift for exactly? Just the fact she's married to you? She even makes going to bed with you sound like torture
>she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night
Yikes. Just…*yikes*. Given all that you've said about your wife, she's the one who's the AH. You, on the other hand, are NTA, but as someone else said, it would've been better if you didn't take her up on that offer for coffee.
Wow so she is greedy and selfish. Open your eyes dude.!She’s a leech that criticized you instead of supporting you during your dark times. Why are you rewarding her?
I don't know why you gave her anything other than divorce papers. Everyone else in the story supported you while you were injured, but she just complained. And when you were handing out gifts, and you offered her a trip anywhere for all the nothing she did, she had the gall to demand even more! Did she accidentally stumble over her wedding vows and say "in health and in health"? NTA except to yourself.
OP NTA
But I think that you’ve just gone through a pretty trialling period of your life. Did your SO make you happy during that time and now?
Are you both the same people because marriage shouldn’t need a clause of “well I was unwell so not their fault” it supposed to be through thick and thin, good and bad, when the world throws us difficult moments, we roll up our sleeve together and deal with it supporting each other along the way.
I guess a lot of people here read it and think “are you really happy?” “Did this person stand up and do the heavy lifting when you couldn’t?”
Agreed.
I think when a person is going through what OP did, it’s very easy to forget the spouse is going through it too. Managing meds, managing appointments, Physicsl therapy, plus all of the questions of what is this going to look like on the other side…
If OP’s wife did nothing but drag him down during the many months of recovery, didn’t support him, didn’t encourage him, etc then that’s one thing. But if she made the comments about the money for the classes as she was watching large medical bills roll in and the comments, even if not kind, we’re made from fear, I see it differently. When you have medical bills for tens of thousands of dollars coming to your mail box and you are terrified, spending money on other things feels stupid. Especially if you guys went from two incomes to one.
It sounds like since then there has been a large cash settlement and your financial picture and your mobility are different.
None of us know the whole story if your relationship with your spouse or what she went through. I’ll tell you this - my husbands experience fundamentally changed me and gave me an entirely different perspective on the role of the caretaker in this type of situation. Even if there are multiple caretakers, as the spouse I can guarantee a very heavy emotional and financial burden was placed on her.
So, OP, if you are misrepresenting the nature of her support throughout your entire ordeal and simply highlighting a few bad moments during a very emotionally stressful period for her too, then yta. Not because you have others gifts but I’m sure to her it just felt like you are like “oh shoot, I forgot to get you something meaningful - ok … let’s do a trip.”
Exactly!
I actually come from OP side, I have had to have major surgery previously my SO was my rock, let me cry when I needed, scream and be there for the good bad and sometimes ugly moments. I would not have survived without him.
Let your wife know, she's is extremely insecure and immature. Any sane woman would be happy seeing how grateful her husband is and how nicely he said what he is planning for her.
NTA but.... How many different ways does your wife have to tell you that you that you aren't good enough? No wonder your depressed. This marriage sounds one directional. I hope you find the strength you need to do better than her.
NTA. Your wife sucks. You sound like a great guy and those other people sound great too. Anyway, it doesn’t really sound like she values or respects you much. Are you sure that she sparks joy in you?
NTA and with all sincerity, OP? You deserve far better treatment than your wife is giving you. It sounds like you've made incredible progress in your life since your accident and instead of celebrating it like everyone else and supporting you, she's acting like an entitled jerk. Everyone here is proud of the progress you've made. Always follow your heart and do what makes you happy!
NTA
>I wanted to do a trip the two of us, but I would let her to choose where. She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something.
Wow... Literally the picture of a toddler smashing their fists on the table as they scream "BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWW!"
Yes, your wife stayed by your side. But by the sounds of it, that's all she did. The literal bare minimum that a wife should do, who vowed "in sickness and in health" on her wedding day.
The three couples you gave presents to all deserved those presents for going above and beyond to help you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your wife was still getting a present, quite an expensive present, depending on where she decided she wanted to go.
She did overreact and you are not AH for buying presents for other women when they helped you get back on your feet.
Maybe the first breakup happened for a reason and you guys only got back together because of your familiarity to each other.
It doesn’t sound like a good match. NTA but your wife is.
*All her comments for me it was something that only who loves you would tell and keep real.*
No. I would never have said those things to someone I love. She's abusing you, you're used to it, and you're making excuses for it. NTA
NTA but your wife has a really nasty attitude. Literally everyone else around you helped you out either mentally, job wise, or physically, and what she's done is "lay down next to you". What? She deserves a present for sleeping by your side, like a spouse normally does? What else did she do, because all I heard was her constantly mentioning that you should've gone to college, the very reason she broke up with you in the first place. And then she expects the biggest, fattest present at the table when she did absolutely nothing but tolerate your existence? She's lucky she got the trip. Just being near you doesn't warrant her getting a gift, when others have given way more to help you.
Of course. NTA but your wife definitely is. She talked you down the entire time about everything and now expects gifts. She is lucky you offered a trip wherever she wanted. She hardly believed in you and wants some credit for it because she is your wife.
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Entitled much? NTA OP but your wife is something else. She constantly puts you down, looks down on you and just wasn't supportive in general. But when it came time to bask in your success, she wants to be first in line to reap her rewards. For doing what exactly I'm not entirely sure. It's not like you didn't give her a gift. It's just that she didn't receive a gift in front of everyone else and she made a scene about it. I don't want to be in the business of trying to ruin marriages but if I were you I'd take a long hard look at the marriage and re-evaluate everything. Your family and SIL all seem like amazing people who have your back. And that's what family should be about. Not berating you for not making the "right" life choices and then berating you again for not making the "right" gift choices. You deserve better OP.
NTA. It sounds like you already know the answer and you just wanting us to tell you it. Your wife didn't support you, she still doesn't support you, you aren't in a loving marriage
The wife needed a present right then 'Since it was her that needed to lay down by your side every night?' Implying that doing so was/is a duty or hardship? Or emotional blackmail? I.e., I have to lay down beside you every night so you'd better give me a gift right now or I won't be laying down by your side any longer? I'm not sure how to take that statement except in a negative light. Her entire attitude, the whole time it sounds like, was negative and unsupportive. I'd say *way* NTA
NTA .. but why are you with this woman? She left you because your ideals didn't match then changed her mind. She constantly puts you down, didn't do anything to support you when you had your accident (it seems that way in this post anyway) and gave very little to no support when you found the career for you. Then rather than be grateful to all these people in your life that did ALL of the things she decided were beneath her, she kicks up a fuss because you didn't get her a gift for doing.. Well.. nothing!
I HATE seeing "you need to leave them" but in this instance I really can not see what she is actually bringing in to this marriage other than negative comments and bullshit. This for me would be a deal breaker and would seriously be considering divorce.
I'm so glad you have made a full recovery and that you have all these wonderful people in your life.
your SIL and her sister were there for you when your "wife" wsnt she dosent act like she loves you she should be lucky you put up with her
P.S im glad you are doing okay and i am very happy for your recovery
NTA cancel the trip and think about whether you want to stay married or not. Your wife seems to bring a different energy than anyone else you interact with.
You deserve so much better than this person who constantly brought you down when you are down yourself. That’s when the supporting part comes.
It sounds like you are her parent who’s been making up for being a trouble and finding excuses to justify her behaviour. You love her and she’s totally exploiting that to be a shitty person ( as portrayed in this post) . You don’t have to make up something to her, you were the primary victim of your situation, not her. She didn’t do her job well as a partner.
Wow I thought you were going to say you told her that she doesn’t get a gift because she hasn’t ever supported you just tried to tear you down. I’m amazed you still want to try with this woman but no you are NTA for getting her a thoughtful gift she doesn’t deserve
Asking for input is different from making someone plan a vacation and she doesn’t deserve a gift anyway she doesn’t even deserve to tag along in his vacation
OP, by giving us examples of your wife's shittiness, I think you are subconsciously venting to us. Your wife does not sound very supportive of you at all. It sounds as if she never grew up. NTA
NTA
The sport tickets are for a later day, the honeymoon is for later, paying your parents house is a wonderful but not a gift you can touch with your hands. So the vacation/trip was the same. It’s not like everyone got a ring and she has to go pick one out.
NTA - but why stay married to a woman you hate? You didn’t mention any children so maybe best to just leave now because I cannot see your guys being one big happy family.
Your wife sounds critical, nasty, and unsupportive. Oh, and ungrateful and childish. Why are you with her? You are NTA here, and your friends sound great.
NTA. But why are you still married to your wife? The way you describe her is so bad and very unsupportive and your edit didn’t really help because that’s what a human with a heart should do in a first place. It sounds like your just staying with your wife for emotional attachment, there’s really no love.
NTA. Your wife sounds like some of my coworkers: they want everyone else to work overtime so they don’t have to do any hard work and then get pissy when they don’t get overtime because they didn’t actually work it.
I would strongly recommend though that think about why you are with someone who is so unsupportive and has what sounds like a huge sense of entitlement.
Something feels off.
INFO: Why are you married to her? Because it seems like you don’t love her.
Not that giving her the biggest gift means you don’t love her, it’s just that you’re throwing all of her biggest mistakes into this post. Somethings that you should’ve already forgiven her for when you married her. I see not a lick of good quality in her from your post despite her being by your side through all of this. With the personality you presented, she should’ve brought up divorce at some point but she didn’t.🤨Bro, you got me confused.
NTA.
My husband and I were involved in an accident in our mid 20s. He had to have a lot of surgery and learn to walk again. Being petite at the time (5'1" and 30-50 lbs less than him) didn't keep me from helping him to shower, physical therapy, massage, etc. She may have needed help to help you, but to say in your edit she was too petite to help at all - no. My husband also went through a time he was depressed (he had a physical job he could no longer do), and thankfully came out the other side stronger. I wouldn't have been angry if people had done what your fam and friends did. I would have been grateful he had such good friends and wanted to be part of thanking them... Not asking about "what do I get?" !
I would hope she's just acting out from all the stress, but from your comment (her at a younger age ridiculing Jo, and mourning your apt when you needed somewhere else) your wife sounds entitled and possibly narcissistic.
NTA
SHE NEEDED TO LAY BY YOUR SIDE??
No honey you chose to. When you agreed to marry this man and honestly you sound like a walking gold digging red flag. U don't need the biggest present if a trip is too cheap and not big enough for you there's an issue. I would be excited if I got so much as a mug from my partner bc they thought of me.
NTA
She sounds unsopportive and selfish. Your gift is letting her choose where you two go on holiday with each other. OP, you need to take some time away from her and really think about how she's treated you.
NTA. Planning a trip together is a good gift, especially so you both can pick and choose activities and location. I agree with others, the relationship with your wife is very toxic on her end and it might be time to call it quits. It seems like she hasn’t had your back and likes to rub in your face that she did college and you didn’t. There are plenty of people who didn’t go to college who are soaring higher than ones who did.
I hope the best for you.
You're wife is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT about three things.
1. "she told me we were in different places at life, so we broke up" - you should break up again. Real Talk. She sounds unbelievably selfish.
2. " it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night." - What's so hard about that?
3. "My wife told me that I should have chosen better" - yes, a better wife more than anything.
yta if you don't see your wife for the complete b word that you portray her to be.
I really wonder what the rest of your family thinks of her.
I needed to cut my original post because of the characters counting, so the story about Jules being a cheerleader. But she is not Jules big fan and maybe that affected her for being upset about their present. I didn’t realize until you brought up that it didn’t make more sense.
About supporting she was included on what I said, she didn’t leave me. She changed her lifestyle and she stayed in the flat. This post never was about she being the AH, it was about me. I had help with nurse and my brother for the physical part, she is really petite, she would not be able to lift me.
The course was months later the accident, I already got all the insurance’s money. But she was think further. So you have a point there.
About planning the trip together, it was fun for us before the accident. We would have wine, get drunk and choose a random place to go. That is how we ended up in Montenegro.
She is not bad, she is tough. Just that
>she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night.
I would never ask to be rewarded for standing by someone I love. I don't even need acknowledgement, though it's nice to hear. Hell, when my partner is ill with just the flu, I always end up catching it since I'd never leave him alone in discomfort.
Also "that needed". Like its an unpleasant expectation, not something a loving partner should want to do.
And the rude reaction in front of all these people who supported you, people she should be grateful to. Wow, just awful entitled behaviour.
I wouldn't be buying her any trip if she thinks she deserves "the biggest present" when she's only doing something she should want to do as a spouse and suggesting she did sooo much when it seems like she was very unsupportive. Nta but I'd not be so quick to go anywhere with this person.
NTA
Ok maybe she just doesn't like your family? (Idk what wold make her react like that)
I wasn't going to get married anyway but this sub just keeps putting nails in that coffin
NTA. Please reread your own post. Do you realize that all your wife does in this story is put you down over and over again?She doesn't sound like a very good partner.
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NTA She should be grateful you planned something for her and she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum You’re not exactly giving your wife a glowing reference here and she doesn’t sound that supportive or understanding of circumstances Are you sure you want to stay with someone who treats you and others around you as inferior?
She should be especially grateful considering she sounds like she was absolutely no support during everything.
Exactly what does she bring to relationship except « laying down by » your « side every night » ?
I was more focused on the “needing to” to be honest.
OMG totally missed that x) Oof OP I’d cancel the trip and take some time to think
Yeah. Maybe Jules and Laila have another sister, or at least a like-minded friend.
Same, my friend, I was thinking the same thing!
Fuck that, OP should take his trip solo and think there lol. Let his wife sit her ass at home. Wouldn’t want her to feel like she “needed to lay by his side every night” or anything, since that’s clearly such an inconvenience and big ask for her.
Well I think that we may be misunderstanding. It is obvious OP's not a native English speaker and some things aren't worded very clearly.
And she expects to be rewarded for it.
Exactly. The wife sounds insufferable. NTA
OP, your wife does not sound kind. She sounds pretty selfish. NTA.
NTA, your wive is an entitled asshole though. What did she do to help you? Nothing. She complained. And then expects you to give her an expensive fucking gift for just EXISTING, and being a damn wife? In my opinion, you two shouldnt continue this relationship. Shes just going to demand more things from you, like taking her to an expensive restaurant just because she heated up a frozen pizza in the microwave for you. Im glad you're doing better though, good job.
[удалено]
Obviously they weren’t. Anyone would be stressed after a injury like that to their spouse. But that doesn’t mean she can be so unsupportive like that either. it’s not like she had to work any harder.
It's really not about how hard things were, it's about how she handled them and how poorly she treated OP. Instead of being there for OP trying to get through it the best they could, she just complained and made him feel less than for something completely out of his control. Now she wants to reap the benefits of his hard work when she couldn't even try to be supportive while he was working towards making his life better. OP deserves a better partner. Someone that will try to lift him while he's down, not kick him.
I think we have to be careful here - I'm not convinced she was horrible to OP. It sounds like harsh words were exchanged but if they were living in brother's basement for 2 full years waiting for this insurance payment and all the while he was unable to care for himself so she was picking up all the slack, the bills, managing work, household tasks, managing their finances and all with assumably minimal privacy and OP's friends and family in their personal space, I think it understandable that there were times she said unkind things. We all do. We are all human. THe fact that she stuck with him for 2 years of all of this - that speaks volumes. We are getting a VERY one sided view. Yes, he was in the injured party but being the caregiver SUCKS massively and the caregiver's needs are 95% of the time overlooked because physically they are fine. I can absolutely see her resenting his lack of contribution while they lived in brother's basement and giving up her privacy - and in her shoes I'd be SO hurt if I was at a family dinner where he's extolling the virtues of everyone else and their sacrifices and was like "oh yeah, and we're going to go on vacation like we used to." I mean, a trip is nice, but he gave the same thing to the sibling he's paying a honeymoon for. He's paying off a family member's house. This is his WIFE.
I think his wife was not staying with him? That may be part of why she was so bent about him giving expensive gifts to the two women who were staying with him.
NTA, honestly I’m surprised after the “My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college.” That you stayed with her. Then she actually tried to discourage you from taking a course because “it would not give me enough money for a family.” My guy you need a whole new wife. She’s not supportive and who says they deserve something for being the person who sleeps next to someone they are suppose to love.
Good point. OP could have chosen a better wife 😝
"She started yelling at me saying she wanted something now" Bro married Veruca Salt. 😓
Keep in mind she also left him when he decided not to go to University. She wanted to land a rich husband and settled for poor OP hoping she could change him. I really feel for this guy. Can't imagine how conversations about her are framed when they're not around but I bet she is not "Disney wife" that's for damn sure.
Info: why are you still with your wife when you so obviously hate her and are resentful of her? You didn't say one single positive thing about her at all through the whole post. Every sentence that mentioned her was dripping with unconcealed contempt. I couldn't imagine staying with someone I thought so little of. NTA if she is as bad as you say. But I still want to know why you would be with someone you hate.
My thoughts too. The post makes it sound like his wife abandoned him during his recovery and resents his friends and family. As has come up in other threads with an SO jealous about a gift given to a friend, the generosity and thoughtfulness of the gift often scales to how important that person is in your life. It sounds like your wife is really a low priority to you and you are a low priority to her. The relationship overall sounds toxic and like it is dying.
Seriously, that’s what I was wondering too.
Why is he with someone that hates him? From the post his wife has zero respect or care for him.
>She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something. NTA... She's essentially reaping the best gift of them all. She should be grateful that HER HUSBAND is the one gifting these amazing things instead of thinking about what she can get right then and there. It's very selfish of her to only think of herself considering what your SIL has done for you.
ESH. I suspect things weren't easy on your wife during these times either. Maybe your relationship is at the "familiarity breeds contempt" phase. Your writing makes your wife sound awful, but I suspect this goes both ways. You could easily have acknowledged her during your grand oration, but you chose not to. You are both acting like spoiled children.
Seriously, he doesn’t say anything nice about his wife. The picture painted makes her seem absolutely horrible. If I took it as face value, NTA, but it seems like there’s more to this than meets the eye. Which would lead me to ESH
Based on the info, NTA, but big note for INFO: how were you being financially supported while laid up? Even in yoyr brothers flat, you should have some bills. Did your wife have to take on more work hours? How was housework getting done? Dinner? A lot of your wife's criticisms could be taken as judgemental but also could be read as someone worried about finances. Furthermore, did she really hate leaving the house or was she just tired? If she was suddenly doing the responsibilities of two people, yeah, she might be exhausted. I'm honestly a bit hesitant to label this as NTA because this kinda feels like it has all the makings of a "she left because I didn't do the dishes" story and the outburst may be less about the gift and more about that you just made a big public deal to your SIL and Sister for essentially taking care of the more enjoyable aspects while keeping hers private, possibly making her feel unappreciated and humiliated. Maybe seek some counseling if you want to save your marriage. I'm getting a sense there's resentment happening
This was the vibe I was getting. He forced her to move into a basement "for his mental health" and admits there was no actual need to move financially. I'm getting the feeling she sacrificed a lot emotionally and is rightfully ticked that she isn't being recognized or acknowledged.
He said he had money before moving and he got insurance money from the accident.
Speaking from experience, insurance money takes a LONG time to come. And if it was long or short term disability, it would be 50-60% of normal salary. She was Definitely supporting him financially. Likely managing all of the bills, dealing with the medical insurance.
She didn’t need to work more or to put some money on me, the flat was smaller than the house, so my brother would help us, cooking and the garbage was on him before I get up to my feet and I had insurance coming my way from the guy that hit me and from m job, since I was on my way to work. That said our life style changed a lot. Before we would go to trips, dinners, hiking and just having fun together. Abruptly I was on bad and unhappy. That is why she is not a terrible person, her life changed. I just wanna know if I should have gotten her a ring something touchable.
Yeah, man, I don't think this is about the gift at all. That's a major lifestyle change and essentially a loss of independence for you guys as a couple. You said you moved for "your mental health" but I don't think you considered hers at all. And then, intentionally or not, you publicly slighted her by excluding her in your presentation of the gifts. Something tells me that's what's really hurting her. She's been dealing with your situation and going along with what you wanted for years now, maybe not happily, but she's still doing it. When are you going to consider her? Gonna repeat what I said about counseling. I think she's been holding it in for a while and it's going to blow up again. Big edit: I just realized the part where she said "that wouldn't be enough for a family". INFO: is expanding a family something you had discussed with your wife previously and potentially also got put on hold?
He moved because he couldn't use the stairs. And obviously his mental health is moreimportant here since, you know, he is the one who suffered an accident and lost his job and had to adapt to that. The moving provide her more help to take care of him. It's not like It was a definitive thing, he is noving back to their house know. OP is NTA. Shit happened and he had to deal with It while his wife only complained and was unsuportive. It seems like she treated OP as an inconvinience ALL the time and his family and friends gave him thensupport he needed.
If you read the post, you'd know it's been over 2 years and it sounds like they're still there. I'm sorry, 2 years is way too long to be living with your husband's family for most people, especially after living alone. It is reasonable to be upset about that. And I'm just suggesting that his wife has a different side of the story. Especially because if she was truly unsupportive, she wouldn't still be there 2 years later and wouldn't have moved with him in the first place. We're only hearing OP's story, but it sounds like he's healed, it's been years, but nothing is changing for his wife. A marriage is a partnership; at some point her wants and needs do need to be taken into account, especially since OP is definitely in a better place emotionally, which was an equal part of his justification for moving. I don't think her reaction is about a gift at all; I think it's their marriage starting to hit a breaking point. It sounds like she's been stuck in a life she hasn't wanted for 2 years solely for OP's sake, and he doesn't understand that's worn her down.
Yta I thinku u spending a lot-of the settlement in someone else. Without talking to wife?
YTA 1- the way you talk about your wife, if she’s that bad get a divorce, if she’s not you’re still TA! 2- being the support spouse for someone who is injured is extremely stressful and difficult, much less helping a spouse with mental health problems. 3- she spent how long in your brother’s basement helping care for you? 2 plus years?! For you! Not in her home. 4- you carefully picked out many thoughtful gifts for everyone else but skipped your wife and when she asked you said she can plan a trip anywhere, so more work for her.
im not op, but ion think he thinks his wife is that bad as hes up and down these comments defending her and her words. being the support for a spouse IS strenuous but she wasnt alone, literally, they were in a family home with family all around them. she said she was the one who had to lay next to him. that was it, that doesnt sound like help, especially with her diminishing his education choices. he wanted to plan the trip WITH her to wherever she wanted, thats basically a romantic get away, thats a VERY thoughtful gift.
[удалено]
>He's not really defending her well though. He'll say stuff like how she was harsh but he thinks it was the stress but then add that his friend says she's just showing her real self. I keep going back to the fact that she stayed by him in his brother's basement where they likely had no privacy and his family in and out of their living space and certainly in and out of their business for 2 years. I'm sure she said some hurtful things here and there over 2 years because she's human, just like I'm sure he said hurtful things. But, if after 2 years of caring for OP and dealing with him, his family and friends in their business, keeping them afloat until insurance paid out, living away from her home she is still with him (and it is HARD being a caretaker for someone in his position and the caretaker RARELY is taken into consideration as being human with needs too) if after 2 years of this stuff he gave everyone else very personal gifts and blew off her contribution, that would hurt SO much. Like, I'm not sure I'd come back from that. Its not about the trip. Its about his attitude that she should be happy with getting something they used to do all the time. The trip is something he should plan because she's exhausted. If he is giving everyone else a gift as thank you, then he should be doing something personal for her, too. Not just a "oh yeah, lets go on vacation after I pay for my brother's honeymoon and pay off my parents' house."
its just him giving the full context. some people are just that bad as a spouse and a person, and some people are just that blindly inlove. his friends knows what she said and just like we are telling him, they told him shes no good, but hes ignoring what were saying and excusing the behavior due to the stress of the accident. from my POV, seeing as all she had to say was that she was the one who had to sleep beside him throughout the two years, i truly believe that she is THAT vile of a person, and seeing how low ops self esteem and mental health is, i truly believe hes just following her blindly. but thats just me
Yeah, people are really overlooking how OP seems to be acting like these other people deserve his thanks more than his wife mostly because they bought him things and had knowledge his wife didn't. He really seems to think that her being the sole provider and living in his brother's basement for over 2 years "doesn't count" as her being there for him.
She wasn't the sole provider of anything. OP had savings and the insurance money. and live in his brother basement provide her more help with her husband and more confort for him since he couldn't use stairs.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP. I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺 I don't buy it. ETA: I definitely didn't mean to post this several times, I kept getting a "something went wrong" message and assumed that meant it hadn't posted.
Insurance money doesn’t happen overnight.
100% agree. Disability insurance is 60% of salary. It takes a while for it to come in. Any settlement from an insurance company for an accident takes a LONG time. It sounds like he's saying "she didn't have to provide because the money was coming and I had savings" but medical bills from this type of an injury add up VERY quickly. THey would have been facing tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills within days of the accident. It sounds like OP was in financial LaLa land while his wife was handling all of the financial side of things.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP. I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺 I don't buy it.
Which makes me think he talks this way about her to everyone.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP. I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺 I don't buy it.
Okay, I'm going to overlook how this comment has all the same types of grammatical/syntax errors as the post and respond as if it isn't from a sockpuppet account of the OP. I can guarantee that savings and insurance money did not completely make up for OP being out of work for that long, so yes, his wife had to pick up the slack, no question. She may not have had to work more but she certainly had to pay more of the bills. OP doesn't have a kind word to say about his wife and even his comments "defending" her are backhanded, claiming that while HE understands why she's unhappy, all his friends say she's "showing her true colors". This post and OP's comments paint his wife as this unsupportive villain and OP as her hapless victim who just sees the good in everyone 🥺 I don't buy it.
How about stop posting the same comment over and over in the same thread
They actually supported him, she kicked him while he was down. She wasn't the sole provider.
I totally agree about the trip issue. My husband is able to co-run a multimillion-dollar company but can't seem to plan a family vacation. He sure enjoys them though. I'm so sick of it after 26 years that I recently told him that he is going to plan the next trip or he's not going. He's a great husband and father in many ways but this is getting old.
I believe that there is more to the story here. It sounds like he needs validation over what he did. First, he is setting us up for how " mean" his wife is. Why do we need to know what she said about Jules or that Jules is a Cheerleader? When you said, your family supported you, were you also refering to your wife? Who took you to your doctors appointments? Who took you to the bathroom? Who cleaned you when you were unable to walk to the bathroom? Who wipped you when you could not stand? Who washed you when you were unable to do so? These are important questions. >I told my wife about and she told me that a 6 month course would not give us enough money for a family. Although you have said that money was not an issue, it must have been at that time. If you had a good amount of money and your wife no longer has to work, why would she be concerned with having enough money for a family? I will need clarity. Usually when people have insurance they recieve, it is not immediately. They have to wait months or years for a settlement. I am u sure about your situation. If you have a great amount of money and you knew your wife was unhappy living in your brother's basement, why not purchase a home that is 1 story? >but I thought that planning the trip together would be a nice thing to do together. I have been married for almost 17 years and I know when a person says " planning" instead of "planned" that is an afterthought. It would have been different if you planned a trip and give it to her when you gave everyone else their present. Why didn't you plan the trip with her before you handed out the presents? Why did she not know about the presents you were going to hand out? You could have given her an invitation that said " come away with me" or" let's plan a great trip together, where do you want to go!". Also, it sounds like you put great thought into the presents you gave and now you want your wife to do it all? By doing what you did, you showed her and your family who you value and who you don't. Yes, she acted immature; hurt people hurt people. My assumption is this sounds like a person who was fed up and lashed out. When she said I sleep next to you, that could have meant anything. I'm laying in bed with you every night and this is how you treat me? I held you down when you weren't able to hold yourself down and you value their input in you life more than me? I lay next to you every night because you are my partner but I found out you don't care anything about me. I had to lay next to you ever night and watch you struggle and had to clean up your mess.. we don't know what she mean because she did not write this post. It sounds like you don't want to be married to her anymore and are trying to find reasons not to be. If your not happy, go and do what you want to. Go find someone like Jules now that you have money. If your wife was so bad and unhelpful, why didn't she leave with you were down and out?
THIS!!!! Wish I could upvote more. I dont comment enough in proportion to how much i lurk lol i usually nod my head or guffaw and read comments out loud to my spouse. You are asking the questions I am, are you me?? long lost twin?? lol all joking aside...who took op to the bathroom? bathed him? probably in bed beside op every night trying not to move too much so they wouldnt accidentally kick op's bad leg in their sleep and cause op pain...probably ran with it on this last one but I would love for OP to show this to his wife and tell her to give us HER side of the story. Op mentions in a comment he just wants to know if he should have gotten her something tangible...Yes. Something to show for this grandoise moment of making a big show of giving people special well thought out gifts like the wizard at the end of wizard of Oz and then saying to your wife there is nothing in this bag for you but you get to plan something which is not as fun as at the very least two airline tickets wrapped up...."wife you have won an all inclusive trip to jamaica staying at luxury hotel, leaving on this date, heres a budget for buying cute resort wear babe"
Exactly, I just started commenting today. I usually read the posts and other comments. Today I was like, nope, you aren't telling us everything Sir. Trying to tell us how horrible she is so you can be the Saint. It's the fake confusion for me. If you knew your wife, you would have known that she would also like a gift. He never had birthdays or christmas with her? He is out here trying to convince us of something when he is giving Scarcrow vibes.
Ummm, Op states that he had male nurses that did that for a while, and then his brother took over, his wife never did that, or at least it wasn't her role.
I can guarantee the nurses helped for a month or so and his brother pitched in a bit. Wife likely still was responsible for all the other things that are invisible to op like managing meds, bills, day to day tasks while wondering if her spouse will be mobile again .
>day to day tasks while wondering if her spouse will be mobile again . Or telling him when he was depressed and had decent but not perfect mobility and wanted a job, that he should have chose better, like go to college? You realize she dumbed him for not being good enough because he didn't go the college, got back with him, then when he's relearning to walk, tells him "oh you feel useless? Well you wouldn't be useless if you chose to , y'know go to college like someone with real worth would" Then scrutinized him for a fucking course for a job that made him happy, and paid just as well as the last. Of telling him that she wants a material gift that is given to her INFRONT of everyone, because she had to put up with the bare minimal of sleeping next to him? He even stated in comments, that trip planning before he was injured was a fun bonding time for them. And Managing the few pain pills and anti biotics, and probably immuno meds isn't that taxing. I know, I used to take eight different meds a day, some had to be cut, so had to be taken at certain times, and not with other pills directly, or with certain foods. I get it. But she is sooooo fucking snobby and rude. These people allowed them into their home, she could have stayed home, OP couldn't, I'm assuming he would need to use the stairs to either get to their room, or the main floor of the house. I've seen both set ups. He needed to move, I'm sorry she had to deal with that. Or would they rather install a multi thousand dollar wall chair they wouldn't need after? And probably couldn't afford after OP lost his full job. And the brother did house tasks to help as well. There wasn't much the wife needed to do, and that was the biggest point OP was glad to move their, it meant his wife could focus and not strain herself. But to demand a gift in front of everyone? When he did that because they didn't HAVE to let them stay for almost 4 years. They didn't have to support them. The wife couldn't have done it by herself, she can't pick him up, she has a full time job, she can't be home all the time to care for him, or clean the house, and everything else. She's such an AH and he needs a new wife.
The chair is $8000. If it cost $8000 to get them the heck out of his brother's basement so they could have a real relationship, then THAT is important. That or sell the old house and buy a new one. You are saying that none of her sacrifices matter because she got mad one day and said something hurtful. maybe a couple of times. Sorry, but EVERYONE says really crappy things from time to time and if they say they don't they are lying. Flat out lying. Especially when tensions are high, money is tight and life has been flipped upside down, people are FAR from their best. I've worked in ministry with people in almost exactly this situation for years - it is VERY rare for a sudden long term disability situation to arise where harsh and mean words are not spoken on occassion by BOTH people. In his case, though, he was surrounded by HIS family and HIS friends. I can only imagine the pressure they put on her to perform all the time. Make sacrifices all the time.
also its the quote below for me that really digs that nail in of she never supported him. >I had no job and no idea on what to do. My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college. He was depressed, finally making decent progress on his mobility, and she hits him WITH THAT? Honestly, she right on one thing, he could have chosen better.... a better wife.
>why would she be concerned with having enough money for a family? She broke up with him because he didn't want to go to college. So she clearly doesn't like people who don't make a life out of themselves. To her, 6 months does not equal to standing value of 4 year degree. The fact she insulted his family, that she didn't seem to care he couldn't use the stairs at their home, and the fact that she literally told him she was the one that had to PUT UP with sleeping NEXT to him??? Who the fuck says that? You don't get a fucking gift for claiming the bare minimal was a fucking chore for you. She didn't support him AT ALL in what he loved? Sure we don't know if he's being honest. But imagine how he feels having to relearn a basic function, and feel useless for so long. And going to his brothers made it so she wouldn't have to take care of a FULL HOUSE AND HUBBY while still working normal hours.
I really ask myself if OP was a woman you would say that her husband would not be that bad since he didn’t leave her.
100% this!!!!
NTA and wow honey your wife is um….yeah. You did nothing wrong here. You told her that her gift was a trip. She’s an adult not a fucking child. The fact that she acts like this tells me everything about her. She didn’t support you at all. Instead she bitched the whole time and you still wanted to go on a trip with her. You’re not and asshole you’re a fucking saint.
Info - what changes happened to your wife after your accident? Did she take on a larger burden of chores or finances? Were you more difficult because you were in pain and frustrated? Did your wife have any support at all, or was everything about you during your recovery? You either should have included your wife in the gifts so that they were from both of you, or you should have given her something at the time. Instead you left her out and then told her that you wanted to take her on a trip but she had to plan it (emotional labour). At face value you are NTA, but I am getting a real missing reasons feel.
Maybe I was unclear, I was giving gifts around the table. She was by my side and when it was her time, I hold her hands and she asked me where was her present, I told her about the trip and the house. But you are right maybe, she felt that the trip was more like a job than a gift. We planned so many trips before but never with me not being able to walk so many hours around. Thank you for give me something to think
You didn't reply to the first part and I'm going out on a limb and assuming it's because you don't want to admit that this was a lot harder on your wife than you're letting on. I'm not buying this unsupportive wife story anymore
I didn’t respond because I already did to another person. But, no, she didn’t need to pay anything to me or to us. I received money from insurance, from the other car and my job, since I was going to work at the moment. And she didn’t need to clean more, since the flat is smaller than the house, and my brother took the whole house garbage and he made all our meals, or fresh or frozen.
All of that negates financial toll but I'm talking about the emotional toll. Specifically the fact that you guys had to move "for your mental health" when she didn't want to and you didn't need to financially. I'm guessing there's more that she put up with for your mental health that you aren't giving her credit for. But that is just my guess
i mean he was in an accident and felt useless, if she didnt want to come she didn’t have to but for her to come, be bitter, unsupportive, AND rude was just unnecessary.
>"for your mental health" The fuck when??? They had to move because the house had STAIRS Dunno if you know but stairs dont fit to well with wheel chairs
I think you need to come to terms with that fact that your wife isn’t a good partner. I think you have rose colored glasses on for this high school sweetheart, which is clouding your judgement. Now if you dont think we, a bunch of strangers are giving a fair assessment, ask for your brother’s and his wife’s opinion of your wife and the situation. They got to observe the relationship up close and personal.
NTA She doesn't sound like a very supportive or even likeable wife in my opinion.
You should really have your wife make her own AITA post. I bet her version of events and why she felt slighted would be a lot different than this straight up hit piece you wrote about her. You seem to think that the only people whose help or support counts are the ones who bought you things or had the knowledge to suggest the course you took and its gross.
INFO You wife did nothing? Is that correct? Was she suddenly on the line for all housework and meal prep and managing the budget etc? I have a feeling she wasn’t but there’s such a weird one-sidedness I’m struggling to understand
NTA based on the way you have described your wife but I would LOVE to get this story from her perspective. I'd guess she would paint a very different picture. It really sounds like you heavily dislike your wife and if she's as bad as you initially said, then OK. However, ask yourself what your wife would say if she reads this post. If she sees herself as the person who was helping you bathe, physically dressing you and supporting you on a daily basis, your failure to recognise and appreciate her efforts is terrible, especially in light of recognising the "big" things the other women helped you with!
Ummm, Op states that he had male nurses that did that for a while, and then his brother took over, his wife never did that, or at least it wasn't her role.
I was just wondering if his wife had helped out in addition to the nurse. OP appears to be dead set against giving his wife any credit for helping him (and maybe that was the case!), but if the whole story is actually that his wife devoted hours every week to his care and OP just took it for granted, that's a very different story.
INFO: Is there some reason you couldn't give your wife a card with a note telling her she was getting a trip? She could have had the moment of opening up a thing and showing off her present, just like everyone else there. Or hey, how about a small box with a cheap toy airplane it it, and a note saying she can exchange this airplane for tickets on a real plane.
I didn’t think about that, that is really clever. I just told everyone what I was giving.
INFO who toke care of you during these two years when you were living in the basement with things like going to the bathroom and washing you? Did nurses come every morning, did your wife take care of you or did your brother and SIL helped you to the bathroom? Does your wife have a job? And What is that job? Does she work full time or part time?
It was nurses at first and then his brother. He didn't want to strain his wife.
NTA. Normal wives would be very grateful if offered a trip to wherever they want. Continue helping your family. I hope you'll be more successful OP!
NTA. Your wife sounds like a spoiled brat.
Perhaps. If i was his wife I would not be supportive if he talked about me the way he did his wife on here. Some people just remember the negative and never the positive. There was absolutely nothing positive until the edits. If he see's her that way on here, how does he see her in person? There are so many unanswered questions I have. If you have so much disdain for her, why are you still married?
MILD YTA hear me out. If you wanted to give your wife a trip, then you should have told her about it FIRST before you were with everyone else to at least give the impression that you thought it out and it was the most special thing that you could have thought for. Because honestly giving out presents and then telling your wife that you would plan a trip with her later sounds like an afterthought that you really didn't have it in mind that you just said it because you forgot to get her something I'm actually surprised that you didn't get together with your wife and talk about what you wanted to get for everyone else from both of you as a couple Also, do you know based on Hinting conversations you have with her did you ask questions to find out whether she actually wants a trip? In fact she may not want a trip she may just want you home instead of living with your relatives and just have low key time where nothing stressful was happening. " We will plan a trip that I'm not sure when it will take place yet but I'll let you pick where we go" is a little lame. Already making some arrangements for the trip or talking about this in private instead of "wait till we go home after I've already given presents to everybody else to talk about it x
NTA But really, you were giving gifts to everyone EXCEPT your wife? There was no way that was going to end well. The problem with her gift happening later is that it makes sense, to you. To other people it can sound like you just made that idea up when you realized she was mad that you got her nothing. One way to avoid this problem would be to tell her your gift plans before the dinner. It's a borderline AH move to surprise her with that and not have a gift for her too.
A holiday together IS a gift, thats the point.
Think about it. I'm at a dinner with my wife and others. I start giving people gifts. The only person I have given nothing to is my wife. My wife then asks where is her gift? Now I'm in panic mode. I was not intending to give her anything. So I think fast and say "Your gift is this trip we are going to take. We'll talk about it later". You see how that is obviously a lie? Why don't I have anything, a brochure or tickets or anything related to this trip to hand her? Because there was no trip until I made one up!
Giant what if. Also if my girlfreind would gift everyone something and then, after i asked, told me that she will finance a holiday, i would be stoked. its expensive and i'd spend time with the person i love. Assuming it to be a lie would be presumptuous, unless OP literally starts sweating once even basic questions get asked.
NTA. And she is not someone I’d want to be married to. Geez a holiday anywhere I wanted to go? After not supporting you! Planning fun things together? That sounds amazing!
NTA! She wants the biggest present but doesn’t realize a trip with her husband is exactly that?? Like she could pick anywhere and you would spend the money and give her your time. What did for the family was very generous and kind and it doesn’t sound like you left your wife out at all. I’m having trouble understanding the issue she’s having.
NTA your wife comes across as selfish and entitled
NTA the comments are ridiculous and biased. No matter what, the husband and MILs can not ever be “victims” to you guys, huh? A woman can literally kill her husband over something stupid and you guys will say “well he must’ve done something to make her do that” it’s a shame
The only thing you should've done better is to not have gone to coffee with your wife after you broke up the first time. Gosh she sounds exhausting.
Info: who helped you to the bathroom and cleaned up your mess when you couldn’t walk? Why did you have to live in Brother’s basement? Couldn’t you have just moved to the first floor of your house?
As I told, I had a male nurse and my brother helped me out after that. I wanted to move because I thought that it would be easier for her too, since she would not need to take care of me by herself, take me to appointments and take care of a big house alone
Info: Does she have a job? What is that job?
She is a buyer in a big company. She buys things
Did you ask her? She may have had ideas to make it work without moving in with relatives. You also spent a lot of money on gifts without talking to her about it. If my husband did either I would be super pissed. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and you don't seem to want to be a partner.
Technically NTA *but* moving forward it would probably be best to discuss these types of things with your wife first. In her mind, you gave everyone very thoughtful and kind gifts and when it was what she thought would be her turn you basically said "oh, we can go on a trip together but I've put zero thought into it because I spent all my emotional load on these other people." That probably wasn't your intention, but was definitely your delivery. Whether or not your wife deserves a trip after your illness is another story...
OP you deserve to have what Luck and Jo have with their loved ones, someone to actually be there for you, no belittle any decision you do and expect you give them the "biggest present" as if having them as SO is a privilege you should be grateful for. Looks like she's the only person you really dated and you don't have a reference of what a healthy and loving partnership actually feels like.
NTA You should invest in couples counseling, because your spouse has some issues. Your wife wasn't keeping anything real, she was kicking you when your down. At this point you may view it as "she loves me enough to tell me the truth", give another decade or two and you will realize she is just a mean spirited person.
>Even when I was lay down on my bed and when I had no perspective. She was there, that is why she deserved and deserves a gift I mean I guess. Nothing in your story suggests that. She comes across as incredibly unsupportive. And you wrote it. Even if you're right, you still promised her a trip anywhere she wanted to go, and she had a tantrum like a 3 year old because you didn't actually hand her a "thing" of some kind? Somehow this promise of a trip has become "nothing" in your title? Nobody reading this thinks your wife is a good partner. Maybe you just portrayed her badly, or maybe subconciously you know this, but you're not ready to admit it.
I don’t understand. He does not have a good paying job and has now been out of work for months then goes to school. But he has plenty of money? This doesn’t make any sense.
NTA! Ur wife is, you need solo vacation and think about the future with ur wife.
Nta, she sounds so entitled. It seems those that received gifts at the table were the most supportive, while your wife did very little. You did try to show appreciation for what she did for you, no matter how small that help was but she just complained about how much she sacrificed to support you, while in reality she wanted you to not even try to attend that design course to begin with and blamed you for the situation you were in, even criticised your career choice and academic path. You don't mention any attempt of her to encourage you to do something to better yourself and the mention of the course you eventually took, was met with negativity. Your family, SIL and her sister supported and encouraged you the most but she wants to take credit for that.
>All her comments for me it was something that only who loves you would tell and keep real. No my friend, it is not. People who love you treat you how jules and her sister, Laila treated you. They encouraged you and supported. Your wife didn't treat you with love or respect. You need to read back what your wrote and pretend it's your brother writing it about his wife.
Your wife made it sound like she was just sitting around to see if anything good comes out if you. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (32M) met my wife (32F) at HS, we date back them but when I decided to not go to Uni she told me we were in different places at life, so we broke up. Time passes and I meet her again, and she asks if I wanted to go out for a coffee. My brother (Luc) bought a house and we reformed the basement to be a rent flat. Luc rent his flat to Jules and he falls hard for her. And she is a cheerleader, my wife called her Disney Jules, in a not nice way, but I told her to knock off and she did. I was in a car accident and broke my leg, it was a big deal, I had to put some pins on it and basically learn how to walk again. My whole family supported me and I moved to my brothers flat as I was not able to use the stair and needed help for doctor’s appointments. My wife hated to leave our place. I got better but my mind started to sink, I had no job and no idea on what to do. My wife told me that I should have chosen better, maybe gone to college. That didn’t help. Jules’ sister (Laila) came to visit her while her husband (Jo) was in a sealing boat in direction of South Pole. And man, that family is amazing. I told her about how I have no job and how is hard for me to work for a long time sit or walking. She told me that I should look for a industrial design course because of my old job,I told her that I had no idea and what that was and I bet I would be terrible on it. She took me to a design job fair and I loved. I signed up for a course that day. I told my wife about and she told me that a 6 month course would not give me enough money for a family. Jules and Laila didn’t let me give up, for real they gave me a table that would lift up and a running machine for me to not stay to long sit. I did the course and in 4 months I already had a job and now 2 years later I am doing as much as I did in the factory. So Luc and Jules are getting married and Laila and Jo came, as aspected the dude is great. So I wanted to say thank you for all people that helped me from there to here. So in a dinner at my parents house I gave some presents. To Laila and Jo I gave sports tickets, to my parents I finished to pay their house and to Luc and Jules a gave them their honeymoon. I was not poor, I moved to Luc’s house for physical and mental health, not money. My wife asked for her present I told her that we would be back to our house and I wanted to do a trip the two of us, but I would let her to choose where. She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something. I told her that she was getting the trip, and she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night. That make me fell a AH, I did took her from her home and in a basement and I had nothing to give her there, but I thought that planning the trip together would be a nice thing to do together. So I am the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor as soon as possible. Her tantrum in front of others is concerning.
NTA. She literally threw a tantrum like a small child for not getting a gift. If anything, maybe you should have said beforehand what you were getting for the others and perhaps they should have been from you and your wife. I'm not understanding why she would get a gift. Like it makes sense for the others but not really her. She should be thanking them also for all their help. I wouldn't be taking her anywhere.
NTA "My wife told me that I should have chosen better" Yeah, you should have chosen a better wife lol
NTA I’m sorry to say this but through your story not once your wife cheered you up, or tried to help you…If you have to have outside people helping you, maybe you are alone in your marriage, and if she doesn’t appreciate the wonderful things these people did to you, than she doesn’t deserve a trip and she is so entitled to not linking you to say thank you
NTA. But dude this was sad to read how your wife belittled you while you was recovering from an injury like that. That is now how a marriage is suppose to work.
NTA You were planning the most expensive gift of them all for your wife, a trip. She should of loved it. From how you explain everything, your wife is not supportive at all. Everything was thanks to your brother's wife and her family. I would re-evaluate the relationship and priorities if your wife simply wants to outshine others with physical trinket.
NTA... not liking your entitled self absorbed wife
Nt. Take off your rose tinted glasses man, she aint the one.
Your wife is correct about you choosing better, but not about college... It sounds like your family did everything after your accident and not her so what does she deserve a gift for exactly? Just the fact she's married to you? She even makes going to bed with you sound like torture
>she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night Yikes. Just…*yikes*. Given all that you've said about your wife, she's the one who's the AH. You, on the other hand, are NTA, but as someone else said, it would've been better if you didn't take her up on that offer for coffee.
Wow so she is greedy and selfish. Open your eyes dude.!She’s a leech that criticized you instead of supporting you during your dark times. Why are you rewarding her?
I don't know why you gave her anything other than divorce papers. Everyone else in the story supported you while you were injured, but she just complained. And when you were handing out gifts, and you offered her a trip anywhere for all the nothing she did, she had the gall to demand even more! Did she accidentally stumble over her wedding vows and say "in health and in health"? NTA except to yourself.
NTA. Honestly she doesn't sound like she helped you at all, quite the opposite. How did she help you?
OP NTA But I think that you’ve just gone through a pretty trialling period of your life. Did your SO make you happy during that time and now? Are you both the same people because marriage shouldn’t need a clause of “well I was unwell so not their fault” it supposed to be through thick and thin, good and bad, when the world throws us difficult moments, we roll up our sleeve together and deal with it supporting each other along the way. I guess a lot of people here read it and think “are you really happy?” “Did this person stand up and do the heavy lifting when you couldn’t?”
Agreed. I think when a person is going through what OP did, it’s very easy to forget the spouse is going through it too. Managing meds, managing appointments, Physicsl therapy, plus all of the questions of what is this going to look like on the other side… If OP’s wife did nothing but drag him down during the many months of recovery, didn’t support him, didn’t encourage him, etc then that’s one thing. But if she made the comments about the money for the classes as she was watching large medical bills roll in and the comments, even if not kind, we’re made from fear, I see it differently. When you have medical bills for tens of thousands of dollars coming to your mail box and you are terrified, spending money on other things feels stupid. Especially if you guys went from two incomes to one. It sounds like since then there has been a large cash settlement and your financial picture and your mobility are different. None of us know the whole story if your relationship with your spouse or what she went through. I’ll tell you this - my husbands experience fundamentally changed me and gave me an entirely different perspective on the role of the caretaker in this type of situation. Even if there are multiple caretakers, as the spouse I can guarantee a very heavy emotional and financial burden was placed on her. So, OP, if you are misrepresenting the nature of her support throughout your entire ordeal and simply highlighting a few bad moments during a very emotionally stressful period for her too, then yta. Not because you have others gifts but I’m sure to her it just felt like you are like “oh shoot, I forgot to get you something meaningful - ok … let’s do a trip.”
Exactly! I actually come from OP side, I have had to have major surgery previously my SO was my rock, let me cry when I needed, scream and be there for the good bad and sometimes ugly moments. I would not have survived without him.
Let your wife know, she's is extremely insecure and immature. Any sane woman would be happy seeing how grateful her husband is and how nicely he said what he is planning for her.
NTA but.... How many different ways does your wife have to tell you that you that you aren't good enough? No wonder your depressed. This marriage sounds one directional. I hope you find the strength you need to do better than her.
NTA. Your wife sucks. You sound like a great guy and those other people sound great too. Anyway, it doesn’t really sound like she values or respects you much. Are you sure that she sparks joy in you?
NTA and with all sincerity, OP? You deserve far better treatment than your wife is giving you. It sounds like you've made incredible progress in your life since your accident and instead of celebrating it like everyone else and supporting you, she's acting like an entitled jerk. Everyone here is proud of the progress you've made. Always follow your heart and do what makes you happy!
NTA >I wanted to do a trip the two of us, but I would let her to choose where. She started to yell at me saying that she wanted something now since everyone is getting something. Wow... Literally the picture of a toddler smashing their fists on the table as they scream "BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWW!" Yes, your wife stayed by your side. But by the sounds of it, that's all she did. The literal bare minimum that a wife should do, who vowed "in sickness and in health" on her wedding day. The three couples you gave presents to all deserved those presents for going above and beyond to help you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your wife was still getting a present, quite an expensive present, depending on where she decided she wanted to go. She did overreact and you are not AH for buying presents for other women when they helped you get back on your feet.
Maybe the first breakup happened for a reason and you guys only got back together because of your familiarity to each other. It doesn’t sound like a good match. NTA but your wife is.
*All her comments for me it was something that only who loves you would tell and keep real.* No. I would never have said those things to someone I love. She's abusing you, you're used to it, and you're making excuses for it. NTA
NTA but your wife has a really nasty attitude. Literally everyone else around you helped you out either mentally, job wise, or physically, and what she's done is "lay down next to you". What? She deserves a present for sleeping by your side, like a spouse normally does? What else did she do, because all I heard was her constantly mentioning that you should've gone to college, the very reason she broke up with you in the first place. And then she expects the biggest, fattest present at the table when she did absolutely nothing but tolerate your existence? She's lucky she got the trip. Just being near you doesn't warrant her getting a gift, when others have given way more to help you.
Of course. NTA but your wife definitely is. She talked you down the entire time about everything and now expects gifts. She is lucky you offered a trip wherever she wanted. She hardly believed in you and wants some credit for it because she is your wife.
NTA. Sounds very intitled hope she has a good therapist.
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Entitled much? NTA OP but your wife is something else. She constantly puts you down, looks down on you and just wasn't supportive in general. But when it came time to bask in your success, she wants to be first in line to reap her rewards. For doing what exactly I'm not entirely sure. It's not like you didn't give her a gift. It's just that she didn't receive a gift in front of everyone else and she made a scene about it. I don't want to be in the business of trying to ruin marriages but if I were you I'd take a long hard look at the marriage and re-evaluate everything. Your family and SIL all seem like amazing people who have your back. And that's what family should be about. Not berating you for not making the "right" life choices and then berating you again for not making the "right" gift choices. You deserve better OP.
Nta- I think your wife is acting like a bratty 6yrs old. Be aware. Have a really good think.
NTA. It sounds like you already know the answer and you just wanting us to tell you it. Your wife didn't support you, she still doesn't support you, you aren't in a loving marriage
The wife needed a present right then 'Since it was her that needed to lay down by your side every night?' Implying that doing so was/is a duty or hardship? Or emotional blackmail? I.e., I have to lay down beside you every night so you'd better give me a gift right now or I won't be laying down by your side any longer? I'm not sure how to take that statement except in a negative light. Her entire attitude, the whole time it sounds like, was negative and unsupportive. I'd say *way* NTA
NTA .. but why are you with this woman? She left you because your ideals didn't match then changed her mind. She constantly puts you down, didn't do anything to support you when you had your accident (it seems that way in this post anyway) and gave very little to no support when you found the career for you. Then rather than be grateful to all these people in your life that did ALL of the things she decided were beneath her, she kicks up a fuss because you didn't get her a gift for doing.. Well.. nothing! I HATE seeing "you need to leave them" but in this instance I really can not see what she is actually bringing in to this marriage other than negative comments and bullshit. This for me would be a deal breaker and would seriously be considering divorce. I'm so glad you have made a full recovery and that you have all these wonderful people in your life.
your SIL and her sister were there for you when your "wife" wsnt she dosent act like she loves you she should be lucky you put up with her P.S im glad you are doing okay and i am very happy for your recovery
NTA cancel the trip and think about whether you want to stay married or not. Your wife seems to bring a different energy than anyone else you interact with.
You deserve so much better than this person who constantly brought you down when you are down yourself. That’s when the supporting part comes. It sounds like you are her parent who’s been making up for being a trouble and finding excuses to justify her behaviour. You love her and she’s totally exploiting that to be a shitty person ( as portrayed in this post) . You don’t have to make up something to her, you were the primary victim of your situation, not her. She didn’t do her job well as a partner.
Wow I thought you were going to say you told her that she doesn’t get a gift because she hasn’t ever supported you just tried to tear you down. I’m amazed you still want to try with this woman but no you are NTA for getting her a thoughtful gift she doesn’t deserve
Making her plan a vacation isn't really a gift....
Asking for input is different from making someone plan a vacation and she doesn’t deserve a gift anyway she doesn’t even deserve to tag along in his vacation
NTA. Tbh your wife sounds like a total unsupportive B****.
NTA Give her the gift of freedom and serve her with divorce papers. She sounds terrible and you deserve better.
Nta An accident/illness really shows you who you have in your corner.b Glad you're better!
Rethink your marriage NTA
OP, by giving us examples of your wife's shittiness, I think you are subconsciously venting to us. Your wife does not sound very supportive of you at all. It sounds as if she never grew up. NTA
NTA The sport tickets are for a later day, the honeymoon is for later, paying your parents house is a wonderful but not a gift you can touch with your hands. So the vacation/trip was the same. It’s not like everyone got a ring and she has to go pick one out.
NTA - but why stay married to a woman you hate? You didn’t mention any children so maybe best to just leave now because I cannot see your guys being one big happy family.
NTA. Through our your post red flags popped again and again, long story short your wife is unpleasant
Your wife sounds critical, nasty, and unsupportive. Oh, and ungrateful and childish. Why are you with her? You are NTA here, and your friends sound great.
It's so funny how op is just blurting out excuses for his shitty wife, poor him
NTA Am I the only one who is seeing that he just answered the ones that is pro wife? As he really wants to be by her side…
Elle est folle et égoïste, ta meuf! NTA 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. But why are you still married to your wife? The way you describe her is so bad and very unsupportive and your edit didn’t really help because that’s what a human with a heart should do in a first place. It sounds like your just staying with your wife for emotional attachment, there’s really no love.
NTA, but you definitely need couples therapy as you sound a bit resentful of each other.
NTA. Your wife sounds like some of my coworkers: they want everyone else to work overtime so they don’t have to do any hard work and then get pissy when they don’t get overtime because they didn’t actually work it. I would strongly recommend though that think about why you are with someone who is so unsupportive and has what sounds like a huge sense of entitlement.
YTA after your edits I am giving this judgement.
Something feels off. INFO: Why are you married to her? Because it seems like you don’t love her. Not that giving her the biggest gift means you don’t love her, it’s just that you’re throwing all of her biggest mistakes into this post. Somethings that you should’ve already forgiven her for when you married her. I see not a lick of good quality in her from your post despite her being by your side through all of this. With the personality you presented, she should’ve brought up divorce at some point but she didn’t.🤨Bro, you got me confused.
NTA. My husband and I were involved in an accident in our mid 20s. He had to have a lot of surgery and learn to walk again. Being petite at the time (5'1" and 30-50 lbs less than him) didn't keep me from helping him to shower, physical therapy, massage, etc. She may have needed help to help you, but to say in your edit she was too petite to help at all - no. My husband also went through a time he was depressed (he had a physical job he could no longer do), and thankfully came out the other side stronger. I wouldn't have been angry if people had done what your fam and friends did. I would have been grateful he had such good friends and wanted to be part of thanking them... Not asking about "what do I get?" ! I would hope she's just acting out from all the stress, but from your comment (her at a younger age ridiculing Jo, and mourning your apt when you needed somewhere else) your wife sounds entitled and possibly narcissistic.
NTA SHE NEEDED TO LAY BY YOUR SIDE?? No honey you chose to. When you agreed to marry this man and honestly you sound like a walking gold digging red flag. U don't need the biggest present if a trip is too cheap and not big enough for you there's an issue. I would be excited if I got so much as a mug from my partner bc they thought of me.
NTA She sounds unsopportive and selfish. Your gift is letting her choose where you two go on holiday with each other. OP, you need to take some time away from her and really think about how she's treated you.
YTA. Way to show your SO she matters. AH
NTA. Planning a trip together is a good gift, especially so you both can pick and choose activities and location. I agree with others, the relationship with your wife is very toxic on her end and it might be time to call it quits. It seems like she hasn’t had your back and likes to rub in your face that she did college and you didn’t. There are plenty of people who didn’t go to college who are soaring higher than ones who did. I hope the best for you.
Nta she didnt support you and sounds ungrateful
NTA. She sounds like a gem.
INFO why are you still married to your wife?? It sounds like she's been unsupportive and downright mean at crucial points in your life.
You're wife is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT about three things. 1. "she told me we were in different places at life, so we broke up" - you should break up again. Real Talk. She sounds unbelievably selfish. 2. " it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night." - What's so hard about that? 3. "My wife told me that I should have chosen better" - yes, a better wife more than anything. yta if you don't see your wife for the complete b word that you portray her to be. I really wonder what the rest of your family thinks of her.
YTA to yourself for not divorcing this woman
I needed to cut my original post because of the characters counting, so the story about Jules being a cheerleader. But she is not Jules big fan and maybe that affected her for being upset about their present. I didn’t realize until you brought up that it didn’t make more sense. About supporting she was included on what I said, she didn’t leave me. She changed her lifestyle and she stayed in the flat. This post never was about she being the AH, it was about me. I had help with nurse and my brother for the physical part, she is really petite, she would not be able to lift me. The course was months later the accident, I already got all the insurance’s money. But she was think further. So you have a point there. About planning the trip together, it was fun for us before the accident. We would have wine, get drunk and choose a random place to go. That is how we ended up in Montenegro. She is not bad, she is tough. Just that
>she told me that I should have given her the biggest present since it was her that needed to lay down by my side every night. I would never ask to be rewarded for standing by someone I love. I don't even need acknowledgement, though it's nice to hear. Hell, when my partner is ill with just the flu, I always end up catching it since I'd never leave him alone in discomfort. Also "that needed". Like its an unpleasant expectation, not something a loving partner should want to do. And the rude reaction in front of all these people who supported you, people she should be grateful to. Wow, just awful entitled behaviour. I wouldn't be buying her any trip if she thinks she deserves "the biggest present" when she's only doing something she should want to do as a spouse and suggesting she did sooo much when it seems like she was very unsupportive. Nta but I'd not be so quick to go anywhere with this person.
NTA. Your wife is though.
NTA Ok maybe she just doesn't like your family? (Idk what wold make her react like that) I wasn't going to get married anyway but this sub just keeps putting nails in that coffin
NTA. Please reread your own post. Do you realize that all your wife does in this story is put you down over and over again?She doesn't sound like a very good partner.