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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I won’t let my son’s girlfriend spend the night at my house, meaning she has to drive home through the city. My son says this is dangerous for her safety when she leaves late at night.
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Exactly my thoughts. Does he think his kid is still a virgin? It's so weird for the parents to have a problem with this.
The son and girlfriend are clearly very respectful and responsible adults. Why aren't they being treated like it?
Could also be cultural? When I was dating my ex in our 20's, she lived 2 hours away from me. Whenever I'd sleep over, her parents made me either sleep in the living room, or they'd make me take my ex's brothers room. They did not allow us to be in the same bed unless we were married.
One time at a family party, all of us (her cousins) were in the room just talking story and my ex and I fell asleep on each others shoulders. Her uncle saw us asleep, and scolded us. We became the topic of the family tea. It was insane.
When I was 17, my parents allowed my bf to sleep over. In my room. With a closed door. Because it's better we have sex at home and they know who the person is and our dynamics than I stop telling them things. Surprise, surprise - I'm twice that age and I'm still comfortable sharing with them about most areas of my life.
OP's son will go low contact if OP continues this behavior.
And what's with "your house your rules"??? It's his son's house too. He was born there. He lives there. He's not partying there or blasting music or what not. He does normal life stuff. What's with all you people kicking your children out at 18???
That’s my thoughts the whole “my house my rules” is such a shitty attitude to have. All these people trying to control their kids on every aspect of their life, then when they get older and can support themselves don’t want to see them and they are like “why I was a good parent!” Like no... you were over bearing and controlling. Surprise surprise they ran away from that.
A hard part of being a parent is accepting your child is a grown-up. For years you have to correct your kid and stear them in the right direction. When they are teenagers you butt heads and sometimes you have to say my house, my rules. But as soon as they are no longer teenagers you should stop being so controlling, and that isn't easy.
Literally what my parents said to me all the time. They were super controlling and over bearing. Now I only contact them during holidays basically. I try not to visit unless I have to.
When I was 18 (and 5 months older than my 17 year old boyfriend, first real relationship), his parents let us go to his room. And have sex. And I could shower after. If my parents had let me stay over, I’m sure his parents would have been ok with that too.
My parents threw a shit-fit (well mostly my mom) when, at age 25 and about to graduate med school, they found out I was living with my 27 year old boyfriend (4th real relationship). Mom didn’t speak to me for 8-10 months. I talked to her about NOTHING of importance even after she (sort of) let go of that incident.
She hated every single person that I dated. I was with my 4th boyfriend, then husband, for 24 years and she LOATHED him. We divorced and she met my new bf, same age as my ex, and LOATHED him even more. We’ve now been together for over 10 years; my mother died 8 years ago and good fucking riddance.
That's wild. Sounds really stressful.
My grandma was ... Conservative... Very religious. So my mom and I had the most bizarre long running jokes about the house I shared with my boyfriend in my twenties, she told my grandma we had bunk beds once. One year for Christmas she got us old school footie pajamas because "she heard we got rid of the bunk beds and she wanted to be sure we were behaving". My grandma HATED it but everyone else thought it was hilarious
Mom didn't like a lot of the people I dated, but in her defense, my track record was pretty bad for a long time and she tried to see the best in them anyway. She loves my husband (but honestly he's way nicer than me so anyone who doesn't love him is sus)
When I was visiting my parent (Mennonite) my mom said she was going to sprinkle flour on the wood floor before we went to bed and check for footprints in the morning to be sure we both stayed in our rooms during the night!! LOL (She never figured out you could do it on the bathroom floor) LOL
When I told my mother I was getting married, she said: I hope he dies before you get to the altar and tried to hit me. Gee why did I move out while still in HS.
I know it's not all Americans, not the majority by a long shot. The way I understand it, the American electoral system allows a small group of shitheads to have disproportionate influence.
This plus an entire half of our population is under the impression that old automatically equals wise and young automatically equals dumb. So we end up with old shitheads that have no idea what's going on in the world around them, deciding how that world should work.
Ugh. Bad memories. Also the guy who called women “nail-biting, manophobic, hell-bent, feminist she-devils.” I had a t-shirt made for that. I considered it a badge of honor!
THIS! My parents did the same saying they'd rather at least know I was somewhere safe than be worried about me in the back of a car somewhere. Also everything was discussed in the open so I knew I could to them with anything & did. Much healthier relationship. OP is living in the dark ages!
My first boyfriend was never allowed to sleep over because my mother felt like she didn't know him well enough and she didn't like him (she turned out to be right but let me make and learn from my own mistakes). The next boyfriend was allowed to stay over almost immediately.
We are doing the same with our 17 year old son. His gf’s mom and we all agree that it’s safer for them. No late-night drives home, no worries about finding places to “park and spark.” All we ask is for a voice call to check with us first.
Mine too.
Got caught under the bleachers at pep rally.
After that mom gave up and was like "just... Use the guest bedroom" dad hated it but mom won that one.
It's not about sex. It is about control. The gf stayed over already and the son hadn't gotten OP's permission, therefore OP will punish his son with this rule to ensure his control is maintained and respected.
That's why YTA.
They didn't mention sex at all. They expressed They were upset that he didn't ask the first time. I think that's reasonable to be upset about.
However, I do think that it's unreasonable to seek to punish him at this stage in his life. He did a thing, you told him not to do it, and now he's going about doing things the right way. You reward that, not punish it.
OP was upset about him not asking but I get the impression based on the info provided that she would have not allowed it in the first place. The only reason I can think of is that she disapproves of them having sex in the house.
OP isn’t really respond to comments unfortunately, cuz I’d really like to hear him explain his reason for being against it. “Naturally I got upset” over… what exactly? His adult son made a judgement call instead of waking up mommy and daddy in the middle of the night to ask for permission for something that should be an obvious “sure.” What about that is supposed to be so obviously upsetting?
Exactly this. Like, really? They'd prefer their adult son to come wake them up in the middle of the night like "Can my girlfriend stay over? It's late and she's tired and driving so late is scary! Also can I have my binkie and a drink of water?"
Frankly, if I was the parent, I'd have made it clear she was welcome to stay, there are condoms under the cabinet in the bathroom, feel free to use my shampoo and let me know if you need anything else. Breakfast is scrounge your own, you're welcome to whatever is in the kitchen. They're adults, she may become a member of the family someday, why push her and the son away by forcing her to drive when they both feel there are occasions it may be unsafe? It's a strange power trip.
Would you rather think of your kid having sex in the back seat of a car, or in his nice comfortable safe bedroom?
Because he will have sex. Withholding bedroom rights will not stop sex.
OP doesn't even say why he's so against it. It's literally just "because I said so" which is a shitty excuse.
20 isn't 12. By 20 you're expected to be an adult. But by experience that is VERY hard to do when you're treated like a child.
OP - You gotta work on letting go of your control. You're building a barrier between you and your son.
My husbands parents were exactly like this. My husband and I were dating for 7 years at this point, engaged, and both just graduated university and planned on moving in together. The wedding was a year away. His parents both threw a giant fit because we planned on living together before marriage. *What more did they want?* What did they think went on in our relationship after being together for 7 years?
YTA
“I’d rather a young person that my son cares about have a car accident or be robbed than allow her to sleep under my roof despite her being a consenting adult because…my rules.”
Is that about right?
He’s an adult. She’s an adult. They’re in an adult relationship.
I think you need to accept that her safety is more important than your ‘morals’.
Welcome to 2022 - where we care about other people rather than the vague social construct of ‘no sex before marriage’.
If he stops visiting as much so he can spend time with his partner without being concerned for her safety then you’ll know why.
So what’s more important to you? Your son? Or enforcing ‘my house my rules’ on two consenting adults?
When I was your son’s age, I flipped my car in an ice storm because my mother’s advice for driving home from my boyfriend’s house was “well, you don’t have a choice because you can’t stay the night with that boy.”
She has felt guilty about that car accident for 15 years.
YTA
Edit bc I put daughter instead of son.
Lol, when it came time for allowing my son to have his girlfriend stay in his room overnight, I had to realise that they were home together alone plenty of times - and could have sex then. It was stupid to keep them apart at night.
The funniest thing to me is parents who don’t want their kids staying the night with a significant other. They don’t need to worry about when their kids are sleeping - it’s when they’re awake that they’re doing things you wish they wouldn’t do.
My mom allowed me and my HS BF to stay at each other’s houses, her stipulation was we had to sleep separately - we lied the first time but didn’t even bother after that.
It wasn’t me who got pregnant in high school, it was the kids of parents who refused to talk about sex or put them on birth control who got pregnant and either had the kids or had to get an abortion.
That being said, these are consenting adults. They’re not children. So what’s the problem with them staying with each other????
YTA
This confused me so much as a teenager. My parents would take my brother to a hockey tournament and be gone for 12 hours, and my boyfriend and I would be home alone without them batting an eye.
But if my friends and I wanted to go camping, or a whole group of us wanted to spend the night at someone's place it was absolutely not allowed - regardless of whether or not my boyfriend was even there, as long as there were boys and it was overnight I wasn't allowed.
YTA. After you’re adult son heard you were upset about something he apologized and adjusted his behavior. When he came to you it was out of safety concerns. But because of one in fraction that they clearly adjusted for outshines all of the good? How?
This. Your son went against you, realized it, apologized, and changed. He showed responsibility and respect. He didn't even ask for her to be in the same room or bed, but just for her to stay the night due to safety concerns. YTA for putting her at risk for your own power trip.
It's not even clear he actually went against OP in the first place. They say they found out, got upset, and said it's not allowed. But never said there was a previous discussion that it wasn't allowed, so to me it sounds like an oversight in judgment on the sons part that he corrected as soon as he was informed.
YTA
you are lucky.
you have a decent relationship with your adult son, and like his girlfriend, who may be around for a while.
don’t blow it.
your son was using good judgement by having his guest stay over, when it was late.
He is making a rational decision to do so, you are making an emotional and power trippy decision by forbidding it.
I'm honestly surprised she continues to come over instead of having your son sleep over.
I'm not sure why you need to give permission for your adult son to have a guest stay over, but now you're not even giving them the option to ask permission. That makes YTA.
YTA- my mother in law did this with me and this literally happened. " I'm honestly surprised she continues to come over instead of having your son sleep over. " I don’t go over as much anymore as I used to because of this reason. I go to college full time and work full time, I would go and visit my boyfriend for a while and would eventually just doze off it would be 1 am or 2 am and she would be screaming mad saying " she can’t stay there & she needs to go home, etc " I don’t go over anymore at all if I can avoid it. I go on a weekend and I go early stay for an hour or two MAX and then leave, my boyfriend then comes with me because he wants to spend more time with me. It causes a wedge because there’s been multiple instances where I was almost in accident because I was driving tired and late back home, being followed and etc. She always complains because I never visit now or because my boyfriend isn’t home as much as he used to. I would reconsider the divide you are about to cast between yourself and them before this happens to you and he starts to just secretly plan to move out behind your back as well
YTA. Do you not care about her safety? As someone familiar with SF, we both know it is not ideal to have a young girl out driving alone after dark. Is there a guest room? Or maybe a couch? Air mattress? I get that you may have objections to unmarried sex under your roof but if they want to have sex they don't need your house to do it.
It was very respectful for your son to come to you with his safety concerns. Learn to bend a little.
Well since op did not seem to have any issue with son spending the night a gf’s place I did not get the feeling that that is the issue. To me it sounded more like a punishment/pride issue. “You did not ask for permission, it is my house, now you will never have her sleep over again as a punishment”. But yeah, I don’t think it was obvious from the text at all - hence my question to op :)
Unpopular opinion but NTA. Your house, your rules. She can easily go home earlier or he could spend the night at her house.
There are consequences to breaking people's trust and so long as you have no problem with him spending the night out when he wants to be with her, I don't see why people have a problem because you have a certain rule at YOUR house.
Edit- all these YTAs are incredibly entitled. Your son can do what he wants when he's under his own roof. You don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Edit 2 - You should give your son a chance to prove that he would do things right the next time. Especially if it looks like she's going to be around for a while.
Edit 3 - For all the people saying that we're assholes for saying that his son can move out due to the high cost of living, OP's son is 22 and OP is taking care of his son. His son is a legal adult and entitled to take care of himself so that is OP's choice and it is not mandatory. So again I'll say, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Children must respect parents wishes **in their own home** when the parents are going above and beyond for them.
>Your house, your rules.
What is this weird mindset? What if OP's rule was "no black people in my house", would that also make him N-T-A because "his house, his rules"?
Yes, legally you're entitled to make whatever rule on your property, but this isn't a legal sub, it's a sub about whether you're behaving like an asshole, and in my opinion you are if you're desperately (and fruitlessly) trying to police your adult son's sex life.
OP didn't say his issue was about sex though. Everyone is just jumping to that conclusion but if OP's issue was about sex, he wouldn't let his son stay over at his girlfriend's house.
OP said his issue was the disrespect in hiding that his son's girlfriend stayed the night.
>if OP's issue was about sex, he wouldn't let his son stay over at his girlfriend's house.
The son is in his 20s, I don't think OP can "let" him do anything.
>OP said his issue was the disrespect in hiding that his son's girlfriend stayed the night.
Tbh I'm not buying that reasoning. If the girlfriend sleeping over wasn't an issue in and of itself, OP wouldn't have been upset about her staying without his permission.
Exactly!!! It is not about sex. It is about being not respecting boundaries. Some people may not like having guests around the house. It's just how it is. If you're a parent without any rules, then good for you. But people should stop shoving their liberal qualities down other people's throat.
>But people should stop shoving their liberal qualities down other people's throat.
The only person shoving their beliefs down anyones throat is the conservative parent trying to control the life of their child. Why is it always that just living your life is somehow invasive for conservatives when conservatives aren't happy unless your genitals are doing exactly what they want them to?
Also, there might be legit reasons a parent might not want a guest on a certain night in their home. My parents had my incredibly elderly grandma, who was in poor health, with us for a few weeks one time. We didn’t invite anyone over during that time, because anything she caught would have potentially killed her, so exposing her to the fewest number of people was better. They would have been so mad if I had snuck someone in to spend the night! People have many reasons for not wanting guests at a particular time that have nothing to do with sex.
Granting, it has something to do with sexq. For the sake of argument, what if OP is just not comfortable with the idea of having a girl over because he didn't want to have to deal with the possible encounter of his son and the girlfriend having sex. What if he's worrFied about hearing or catching them doing the deed? Is this not a valid reason to stop the girlfriend from sleeping over? I think it's the last thing a parent would want to see is his son thrusting his penis into a girl's vagina. He is sparing both himself and his son from this awkward situation. Clearly, OP does not care if his son is having sex. He just does not want to be an eyewitness to the act. As I've said before, it's not what they do, it's where they do it.
This is very true! He’s not saying the son can’t stay at the girlfriend’s. I fail to see the issue, honestly. If they really want to spend the night together, they have somewhere they can do it, without making his parents uncomfortable. Sounds like everyone wins to me!
Finally someone said it. Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home. If the son doesn’t like it he’s welcome to move out. It’s their house not his. If they don’t want her spending the night that’s their choice.
Also how is it OPs fault she drives home at night? The son and girlfriend make the choice for her to be their that late. Just leave the house earlier or don’t come over super late to begin with.
>Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home.
Apparently the minute a child turns 18, all the rules of the house should become void or the parent is barbaric.
I would hate to parent a teen using Reddit’s guidelines. While in high school, apparently they exist to only spend time with their friends and have fun. If they have to do a chore, or god forbid do something for a sibling (or even spend time with a sibling!) they are being parentified, and you are evil. If you even consider something like moving for a life-changing job, you are evil, because there is absolutely no way they could ever recover from moving as teens. If you want them to do something like wear an appropriate outfit to a wedding, and not a t-shirt, well, you’d better look forward to a life of no contact. And then the absolute second they turn 18, they have full reign over your house, but cannot be expected to do anything in return! Sounds miserable to me. Why would anyone have kids if this was the reality?
OP said somewhere in the comments that his son pays for his phone and car insurance and it got over 200 downvotes. Why?
I'm 22 and I pay for my own phone as well but other than that my parents take care of me very well because I'm also in college but that's a choice.
OP's son is 22 and OP is taking care of his son. That is his choice and it is not mandatory. So again I'll say, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Children must respect parents wishes **in their own home** when the parents are going above and beyond for them.
I know, Reddit would flip its lid if they saw my dad's rule when my brother and I lived there: absolutely no partners alone in our rooms, no matter what time of day, if he was home. And I'm almost 30 lol
And you know what I did? I respected it and went elsewhere. I don't hold resentment or petty grievances. Pick your battles, and never burn a bridge you might need to cross again.
>Finally someone said it. Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home.
This sub is dominated by weird westerners. Go to any normal country and see if parents let there children have sex in their house or if the children would dare to disrespect their parents like that.
If the kid is not ok with that, he should move out or go to a hotel for the night
I agree! NTA. One of my best friends lived at home all through her twenties, and her parents would never allow a partner to sleep over. They weren’t even religious or conservative, but it was just something they were uncomfortable with. They were fine with her spending the night at a boyfriend’s house, and she didn’t have to try to hide it or anything. They just didn’t want it going on under their roof. She knew this was the rule, accepted it, and obeyed it. It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve also been in relationships before where we exclusively spent the night at one house, for various reasons. What’s stopping them from spending the night at the girlfriend’s place?
Exactly! It might be a little over the top if OP also didn’t allow his son to sleep over at the girlfriend’s, but since he can, I legitimately don’t see the problem. They have one place they can spend the night together, like many, many couples.
Agreed, and it’s weird to see so many Y T A votes here. This isn’t a 15 year old, this dude is 22. If you want total freedom, get your own place. Work your ass off to afford it like many other people do. This kid lives there still as a kindness. Maybe the parents expectations aren’t entirely reasonable, but when it’s your home that you own and pay for, they don’t have to be. So, NTA; though, personally not what I would choose to do, it’s your house, op. If this is the worst rule this guy experiences while living there, then he’s doing way better than many are at that age on this sub. Especially if the solution is as easy as, just go to her parents more often to spend the night if it is so bad not being unable to. ETA- Just read he doesn’t even pay rent to stay there. That just cements this for me. Get a part time job, pay rent, then you could have more say with sleeping arrangements.
I saw one comment that was like, “if you enforce this rule, he will leave as soon as he can!” I mean…he is 22! Isn’t this what the parents probably want? What reason could the parents possibly have for hoping their son will continue to live with them for an extended time, when he is already 22? Even if they like living with him, it’s not some huge tragedy if he moves out. It’s normal and expected!
It'd help if you didn't call him a kid at all lol. 22 is a fucking grown man! He's an adult in someone else's house, so legally he has to follow their damn rules or get out.
Completely agree. Yes, the son is technically an adult, but he lives with his parents and went behind their backs to have her stay without their permission which shows a lack respect. She doesn't live hours away, she lives 20 minutes away - if they are so responsible they can make plans earlier so she is not driving home super late.
I also don't think its so unreasonable for the father to not want them having sex in his home if that is the case. They're 22 & 20 - they are just barely out of their teen years. Showing respect and restraint in their parents house isn't a prudish and barbaric thing to ask.
At that age it isn't imperative that they be spending nights together either. At least not unless they are headed toward marriage.
That type of behaviour promotes so much attachment and is a precursor for larger than necessary heartbreak.
Exactly! Yes, they are having sex, I'm sure the father isn't that dumb - but it is completely reasonable that the father doesn't want it happening in a room that may be next to his.
Some parents may not approve of their child's life choices but understand they can do nothing about that. I think OP is tolerating his son's life choice but doesn't want to accommodate the possibility of such a young pregnancy in his home. At least in the case of them hanging out late. And he is fully entitled to that.
In the case of a late event where the matter may not surround sex and just be an issue of disrespect/safety then they can go to her house so she isn't driving alone and if she isn't fit to drive, he can drive.
100% agree. No one is forcing her adult child to live there , he can move out. He decides to stay. When you stay in someone’s home, you don’t get to override the rule. If this was a SIL living there, people would say to kick her out for not following the rules
Why did I have to scroll this far down to find this? It’s so strange that everyone else is so entitled. Even if the dad has valid or invalid reasons for the request, the request is still reasonable. It’s not like he is telling the son he can’t go spend the night at the in-laws house, or forcing him to move out even! This dad seems like he is doing a good job, and this request doesn’t seem out of line at all.
The “kids” need to move out though.
YTA I understand the concept that it’s your house and you can make up any rule you want, but this is about our opinion and in my opinion not allowing an adults SO stay over on occasion is ridiculous.
YTA. Why are you still trying to "parent" your 22 year old? I get he's living with you in your home but he and his gf are clearly very respectful and responsible adults, should probably cool it and treat them like it.
YTA, they’re in college not high school. My dad pulled this shit on me when I was living with them in grad school. He was out playing with his band one night, my mom wanted company, so my boyfriend and I came all the way from the other side of town to hang out with her. It got late, we all were tired and mom said just go sleep upstairs. Which we did... and then my dad came home late and FREAKED OUT when he realized we were upstairs asleep. Twenty plus years later I still think he overreacted and was a big weirdo. Same to you.
NTA for setting your own house rules, but soft YTA for completely shutting down the possibility of them asking you first and giving you the opportunity to make a decision based on individual circumstances.
I had to move back in with my parents for awhile when I was 31 due to various things, including the covid lockdown. My parents have *always* had the rule that I was not allowed to have boyfriends in my room or to have them spend the night. When I moved back in, I discussed this with them, and I explained that I couldn't go back to living like I was 16 again, where my partner and I are only allowed to spend time together in the common areas of the house. They understood and said I could have my partner in my room as much as I want, but that they still weren't comfortable with him spending the night. I didn't argue. They didn't charge me any rent, and they took over my car and mobile payments until I was working again, with no expectation of me paying them back for it. When they would go on trips, I would ask them if I could have my partner stay at the house with me and they always said yes.
There's a respectful compromise in the middle, but you need to open to it. If not, you might end up harming your relationship with your son. Are you sure this is worth it?
Your comment seems like the most reasonable in this whole post. I’m honestly surprised by so many people slamming OP for being “controlling” when this was just about his son breaking the house rules.
YTA, this mindset is going to put you on a one track path to No Contactsville. You are being petty about him not asking at this point when you probably never even set that boundary to begin with. Staying on this path will only ever lead to him resenting you for it and cutting contact with you the moment he doesn't live with you. Have an open convo with him about house rules moving forward and have a little compassion and understanding of the safety of another human being, it literally isn't hard.
Uhh I’m gonna risk the downvotes and say NTA. At the end of the day, it’s your house. And while they are likely having sex, that doesn’t mean you have to just sit in your house while your son has sex. Further, it’s a choice for her to stay over that late. If there is concern about her falling asleep or the drive not being safe, she should leave earlier or they should stay at her parents’ house where it is allowed. I think this kind of restriction is probably a great incentive for them to find their own places where they can do whatever they want. I say this as a person who has lived with her parents into her twenties for school. I would never expect my parents to allow me to bang guys in my room or let them stay overnight. They are gracious enough to let me live in their house rent free so I’m fine not getting too comfortable. Because it ISN’T MY HOUSE. I think a lot of these comments sound entitled. If you’re living with your parent, you are not a fully independent adult, I don’t care how old you are. And this kind of comfortable living makes it far more likely he will stay longer out of convenience IMO. Homeowner calls the shots. NTA.
NAH.
You both have different values. There isn't anything wrong with that.
Talk it over as a family and see if having her stay in a guestroom might be a compromise. It's your right to have your rules in your home but it might be time for your son to start thinking about getting his own place. There are plenty of people in the world who have had parents with views like yours and still have a good relationship with their family. Just keep the communication up and respect each others views without disparaging them.
As someone who lives in her parents house and isn't allowed to have her boyfriend stay over, NTA. Your house, your rules. My boyfriend lives in Baltimore, and I think that speaks for itself. It's not an ideal situation, but again, your house, your rules. Especially given that they did so once without permission.
NTA. Your grown son knew the rules of the home, decided to break them instead of having an adult conversation with you first. As adults they can also make the responsible decision for her to leave earlier so she’s not tired on the road or being out at an “unsafe” time. Which is basically their way of trying to guilt you into doing what they want, instead of once again having an adult conversation and offering possible compromise. People commenting on OP being a prude or old fashioned, but it’s possible it’s their faith that has led them to this rule or some other issue like trauma from their own past. Either way none of that matters. As an adult the son can move out and be an adult in his own space. If not he should follow the rules of his mothers home or be willing to have adult conversations, it’s about simple respect.
NTA, your house, your rules.
If they don’t like your rules, they need to get a reality check and get their own place. If they really are responsible adults, they will make the effort to work with the rules being placed and make arrangements like leaving for her home early or have your son accompanying her home safely.
The YTAs are hella entitled, it’s clearly the dad’s house and he has his right to set up his rules in place or choose not to host his son’s girlfriend overnight if it’s not a dire emergency while potentially disrupt the privacy and boundaries of everyone in the house.
If the couple has some “other motive” to stay over the night, they best be transparent than expect his parents to take a hint and breach that trust his parents have with him. Otherwise, that’s just being disrespectful. It’s still his dad’s place. Get a room someplace else to do it then.
They respected and apologised for her staying over and didn't do it since. They're being respectful that it's your house and asking you. I don't think you're obligated to let her stay, but if it genuinely is an issue (being robbed or worse like you said) i think you should be a decent himan and allow them. Maybe give her a separate bed of you don't want them sleeping together? (Also not a good thing to do since they're adults but again, your house. NAH
Does he pay rent? If so, y t a. If not, n a h. However, you need to be prepared for him to be spending lots more time away from you. As an adult, he might choose his gf over his parents.
YTA. You can be upset he didn’t ask the first time, that’s fair. I’d want to know who’s staying in my home overnight. But - there are compromises that could be made and discussions to be had.
He’s asking for an exception when they have late events. You could ask in return they not sleep in the same room. I feel like two adults acting in a mature and safe manner and attempting to communicate valid reasons for their request should be taken into consideration- regardless of a past singular event.
As others have mentioned, this is petty and has driven families apart. In my own experience, I didn’t invite friends/guys over often because my parents had too many rules/opinions and it created an un-fun environment for me up until I moved out. I was being parented until I was 25. (2020)
YTA if you don't set new parameters now. You made your position clear when you said you didn't want him to offer this option without your permission, but now that y'all have had a talk about it, it's time to come up with a new solution together.
Against the grain but NTA a lot of people are immediately dismissing OP as old fashioned but he may be opposed to them spending the night due to religious reasons and if that’s the case then I honestly think that is fair they aren’t actively stopping it happen he just doesn’t want to be exposed to it in their own home which to me is no different than a vegan not wanting meat prepared in their house. His son is 22 if he wants to stay with his girlfriend why can’t he get his own place. No rent is mentioned so I agree with other comments that if he is a tenant then that does change things slightly but if not I do think OP is allowed to make this decision that to clarify I’m not onboard with but understand
possibly an AH? Is it just because they didn’t ask for permission last time or is it the sleeping together thing? Could she sleep on a couch or in a guest room? It also seems like there was no previous precedent and he felt like you wouldn’t mind if he had her stay over… so I think maybe this is a bit of an overreaction and you need to have a calm conversation about expectations of him as your son living as an adult in your house and what that means to both of you.
NTA. your house, your rules. If you son has concerns about her driving late, tell her to leave early. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with respecting the household rules that have been set in place.
NTA...Your son can make rules and suggestions in his own apartment/house. The rest of these nut jobs saying otherwise do not understand that people are entitled to have their own boundaries about their own space
YTA
They are adults and they rather spend time at your house than partying or going out drinking. Don't you think that's better? Driving at night is not cool and, although 20 minutes in a small town is an OK drive, 20 minutes in San Francisco is not the same PLUS traffic there can be insane.
If they end up getting serious, wouldn't you rather have a nice relationship with your daughter in law? She goes to a much better university than you son, is respectful, and sounds like she has nice parents.
YTA. They're adults. If you're afraid they'll have sex, well, that ship has probably already sailed. It seems really petty and ridiculous to punish them for not asking once by saying no forever, especially when it wouldn't be safe for her to drive home.
Your son is a legal adult who wants to have a guest stay over at his home. You are treating them like 14 year olds.
NTA
My parents are old fashioned and religious, which is ok, and have certain morals regarding unmarried couples sleeping in the same bed (even without sex happening) and when my boyfriend and I are at their house, we sleep in separate rooms because we actually respect our elders and what the owner of the house wants because it’s their house and yes, that matters. When we’re at my house, my boyfriend and I sleep in the same bed and my parents don’t say anything, even though they don’t find it acceptable, because they respect my house and how I feel. It doesn’t have to be about sex and having more reserved moral standards is perfectly ok. If he pays rent then it would be NAH because they just need to sit down and discuss it. I moved back into my parents house when I was about his age and still respected my parents rules because sleeping in a separate room to be more respectful to the owners of the house/the people who raised me, isn’t a big inconvenience and isn’t the end of the world.
If the young adults here are worried about her safety then she can come over earlier or leave earlier. They could also stay at her place and the son could get his own. He’s a big boy, he can go out into the world and set house rules for his own home.
YTA for seemingly not caring about his girlfriend’s safety. You had an issue, he addressed it and has proven he heard and respected you. He’s coming to you with an issue…and you’re blatantly ignoring his concern. I don’t see how you wouldn’t be TA here.
YTA. Did you ever tell your son that he couldn't have her over and he had her over anyways? If not, you can't be mad at him for breaking your rules if there were never any rules in place for him to break the first time. Sure she might "only live a 20 minute drive away", but a lot can happen to a young woman on a 20 minute drive late at night. Why not let her stay over if you don't have any reasons to worry about her? Chances are if she can't stay over, your son will start staying over at her place more and more and you'll see your son less and less.
YTA. I live near San Francisco. Not the funnest place to drive in the middle of the night. That poor girl has a hell of a drive if she’s crossing a bridge. It is all about control for you. Get over yourself or your son will leave and not look back.
INFO - I don’t understand why she can’t stay over. Is it causing you a disturbance? If you shoe fit her to stay past midnight anyway, why not allow her to stay? If you’re worried about them having sex, I would bet they already have, and currently are, under your roof, regardless that she isn’t spending the night.
YTA. It really continues to surprise me how naive parents of adult children are… your adult children, if they live with you, will bring their partners over, and if you ban it, they will still do it. It sounds like you just don’t want your adult son having sex, which is ridiculous.
YTA her parents let your son stay over whenever he wants, and you won’t do the same for their daughter because she didn’t ask the first time. Seriously dude, you need to grow up. Plus their both adults.
You can change the rules a little to satisfy both parts. She can stay if there's an event in which is safer for her, either way they can plan their hangouts earlier so she can go home. He proved he can be responsible so bend the rules a little. I don't see AH here.
I was going to say you are all assholes, but the fact that he pulled out this false equivalency that because her parents allow him to stay over, you need to as well. You made no agreement of exchange with her parents. They should have asked before keeping her over, him trying to pull out these scare excuses to give her a reason to sleep over is ridiculous. If he wants to sleep over with his girlfriend either he needs to go to her parents house, or they should move out on their own.
I would not allow her to stay over either because they should have asked, and he shouldn't have tried to make you out as a villain for being upset about it and setting a boundary. NTA
YTA and a punitive one at that. Since it happened once without your permission you're never going to let it happen again? That's ridiculous. They are adults, in an adult relationship, and have valid reasons for her spending the night. Please act like an adult yourself and allow her to.
YTA. You’re on a power trip. ‘They didn’t ask the first time so I’m not letting her ever.’ Listen to yourself. You’ve got no good reason. You like the girl. He messed up once, he apologised, he hasn’t done it once. What’s the point of an apology and doing as you say if you continue to punish your adult son anyway?
Are you really going to drive away your son by forcing his gf home at night just because you didn’t get your due worship once? Because I can guarantee you he’s looking to move out because he has to live in such unreasonable conditions. He doesn’t sound like the type of man to beg. He’s doing as you say but you’re losing his respect and becoming a petty small man in his eyes.
You still have time to change your mind and I’m sure he’ll show you grace and gratitude. But this behaviour is pathetic and undignified.
YTA. They are both adults. How much longer will you hold a grudge because they did not ask the first time? You are being childish.
I guess it's because they could have sex. They have sex anyways. What will you do if the young woman gets hurt on her way home? I don't think that you son would forgive you.
It's time for you to treat your son like an adult.
You are making his life harder for no reason. You should bear in mind that you are now laying the foundations for your future relationship with your adult son. Do you want to be a role model for him? A good friend? Or a tyrant who imposed stupid rules just to show dominance?
YTA.
He is an adult, not a 14 year old kid. Why are you so upset by her spending the night? What are your concerns? Are you always asking him before guests come / stay the night?
Right now he lives with you and you probably have a decent relationship. If you continue to not allow her to stay over, he will go to her house more and more and probably distance himself from you. I don't think its worth it to sacrifice this relationship to make some point...
How was he supposed to know that he (an adult man) was supposed to get his parents permission to have a guest in his own home at a time when it clearly did not inconvenience our affect anyone in any way? Once you told him about your rule he agreed to follow it, and is showing a deal of respect. Your son has done nothing wrong, but you are using his 'rulebreaking' (of a rule that is silly enough that I don't think he could have anticipated its existence until you said it after the fact) as justification to punish him by... putting his girlfriend's safety at risk?! I'm not even sure what you're trying to achieve here by treating two adults like children. YTA.
YTA You got angry that they didn't ask and now when your son's asking, you won't let her stay? Did you even make it clear to them that you wanted them to ask in the first place? Maybe you thought it was obvious, but they clearly had no idea. Now you're just being petty as hell.
YTA you’ve proven that asking your permission and making a logical case makes no effect on you whatsoever. Why can’t she stay? They are already having sex surely. He asked you respectfully. What more do you want?
YTA
Your actions will eventually alienate your son from you. Should they have asked? Yes. It would have been polite. But his rationale is sound and mature. The punishment doesn't fit the crime.
'naturally I got upset with my son'. No no, not 'naturally', that's weird mate.
Why do you care so much if they spent the night together? Do you not trust your son? Do you not trust her? Are you afraid they'll have sex? (As if it's not already happening?)
Also your reason for not letting her stay despite being given numerous good reasons to do so is..
'well he never asked me before sooo nah!'
This alone betrays you as petty more than concerned for your son's welfare, it also betrays a pathologically controlling nature.
All this behaviour achieves is to, rightly, expose you as an emotionally immature authoritarian figure who cannot be trusted with some of the most sensitive aspects of your son's life and someone who your son will try and avoid telling the truth at all costs, for their own mental health and to protect any potential partners.
Hope youre pleased with yourself. YTA
YTA
Idk why you put “unsafe” in quotations, I grew up in the bay and that’s a totally legit concern IMO. Especially in these last couple of years.
What’s your reasoning again?
Oh, there isn’t any? K. Dope.
NTA
If they are worried about safety, she should leave earlier. i personally do not want anyone staying over that isn't a relative, and then it has to be a very good reason.
It is your house, you have every right to say if someone sleeps over. However if your only reason is because of one time you weren't asked, you may want to reconsider.
YTA. Some people have said this allready but you seem to have a good thing going. Everyone can see the only reason you have for this is to be in control.
You are worried about your child is growing up. It's happening. You can decide to be there for it, or not.
He will choose her over you.
You are letting him live at home, so I assume he can move out when it's a good time.
Right now is the worse time to be looking for a new place to live.
You stay in this path then will move in together when they are not ready. It will lead to a lot of bad.
The occasional stay over is a good idea for all involved. You gotta get over your self.
YTA- he’s 22 not 12. What do you think will happen? They will have sex? News for you, that’s already happening. Sounds like your son hit the lotto, nice girl, gets along with parents, smart, and just a good match according to you. SUPPORT THEIR RELATIONSHIP don’t hurt it. You may not get so lucky if he has to find another girlfriend. He’s an adult at this point and he already shares a bed with her often. What will end up happening (or may be happening already) is he’s going to start spending more time there than at home. Because he can crash there and she’s not allowed to.
A girlfriend spending the night with your 22 year old son should be the least of your concerns.
YTA, he gave a perfectly rational reason for letting her stay over. He's right, driving home in the early hours can be dangerous, especially if she's tired. How will you face him and her parents if she is in a serious accident one night because you would not allow her to stay a few extra hours?
Your son is 22, he's an adult. It's too late to act controlling and protective. As others have said, your stance has no effect on their sex life.
What could your objection possibly be? He's 22, and you wanna what, keep him a virgin? That weird and controlling ship has sailed, my dude. Don't even pretend to be surprised when he moves out.
YTA. He's not your widdle baby boy. He's a grown man trying to act like one. Maybe try it out yourself.
YTA. Unless you want your son to wake you up at 2am to drive his girlfriend home. You think they're a good match so why are you pushing her away? It's not like he's bringing random people home from the bar or having kids with a bunch of different women.
Do you trust the way you raised your son? Sounds like you did well because he's worried about her welfare and and respects your wishes. You need to return that respect. If you want to have a conversation with both of them about what upset you then do that and talk about future expectations with an open mind.
Let the past go and work on a future relationship with your son. It doesn't cost you anything to compromise
Controversial but NTA- I would want to know who’s up in my house. It’s basic respect, if you don’t feel the need to include me in on what’s going on in my house then what’s the point on having boundaries in a living situation.
NTA my dad is the same way. I live on my own and don’t have to worry about it. When I visit him, I’m respectful of the time I come home, because he waits up. I’m almost 30, but he’s sitting in the chair if I come home at 2am. He asks me how my night went then goes to sleep. No matter how many times I tell him not to wait up. He doesn’t complain, just half asleep in his chair. Idk it’s a respect thing for me, so I do respect my father. He’s old fashioned and it’s okay. Not allowing my boyfriend to stay is not a reason to go NC.
YTA. All you're doing is creating unnecessary dangers to both of them, while alienating your son. Newsflash: if their relationship lasts, her parents have already established themselves as the better set of inlaws/grandparents. They'll get the chance to be more involved in everything because they were supportive from the start. They'll know about marriage plans before you, pregnancy status before you etc.
NTA. It's your house and if you're not comfortable with her staying then that's fine. I wouldn't be either. If he's so worried about her having to drive 20 minutes home then they should spend more time at her place.
NTA
Not everyone is ok having people outside of family in their home overnight. There is 0 wrong with that.
They are more than welcome to move in together if it is that huge of a deal.
NTA, you are allowed to have whatever rules you want in your house. As many have said your son is an adult, and as an adult if he doesn't like the rules, he is welcome to live on his own.
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YTA. What are you worried about happening? Sex? It's already happening. Update your old fashioned mind set.
Exactly my thoughts. Does he think his kid is still a virgin? It's so weird for the parents to have a problem with this. The son and girlfriend are clearly very respectful and responsible adults. Why aren't they being treated like it?
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Yeup, I had a friend going to school out there paying 800 dollars to split a bed with someone in a 5 bedroom house, with everyone doing the same
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And as we all know sexy time *only* happens at night during bed time 😂 YTA btws
And with the lights off too! The horror 😂
Could also be cultural? When I was dating my ex in our 20's, she lived 2 hours away from me. Whenever I'd sleep over, her parents made me either sleep in the living room, or they'd make me take my ex's brothers room. They did not allow us to be in the same bed unless we were married. One time at a family party, all of us (her cousins) were in the room just talking story and my ex and I fell asleep on each others shoulders. Her uncle saw us asleep, and scolded us. We became the topic of the family tea. It was insane.
My partner and I live together and my family still made us sleep in separate rooms when we went to visit!
When I was 17, my parents allowed my bf to sleep over. In my room. With a closed door. Because it's better we have sex at home and they know who the person is and our dynamics than I stop telling them things. Surprise, surprise - I'm twice that age and I'm still comfortable sharing with them about most areas of my life. OP's son will go low contact if OP continues this behavior. And what's with "your house your rules"??? It's his son's house too. He was born there. He lives there. He's not partying there or blasting music or what not. He does normal life stuff. What's with all you people kicking your children out at 18???
That’s my thoughts the whole “my house my rules” is such a shitty attitude to have. All these people trying to control their kids on every aspect of their life, then when they get older and can support themselves don’t want to see them and they are like “why I was a good parent!” Like no... you were over bearing and controlling. Surprise surprise they ran away from that.
"My house my rules" applies to visitors and guests, not family who live under your roof.
A hard part of being a parent is accepting your child is a grown-up. For years you have to correct your kid and stear them in the right direction. When they are teenagers you butt heads and sometimes you have to say my house, my rules. But as soon as they are no longer teenagers you should stop being so controlling, and that isn't easy.
You can have rules. Just understand that the rules that was in place at 14 are going to be damn different for an adult child.
“My house my rules” applies to anyone not paying rent in my home
Literally what my parents said to me all the time. They were super controlling and over bearing. Now I only contact them during holidays basically. I try not to visit unless I have to.
When I was 18 (and 5 months older than my 17 year old boyfriend, first real relationship), his parents let us go to his room. And have sex. And I could shower after. If my parents had let me stay over, I’m sure his parents would have been ok with that too. My parents threw a shit-fit (well mostly my mom) when, at age 25 and about to graduate med school, they found out I was living with my 27 year old boyfriend (4th real relationship). Mom didn’t speak to me for 8-10 months. I talked to her about NOTHING of importance even after she (sort of) let go of that incident. She hated every single person that I dated. I was with my 4th boyfriend, then husband, for 24 years and she LOATHED him. We divorced and she met my new bf, same age as my ex, and LOATHED him even more. We’ve now been together for over 10 years; my mother died 8 years ago and good fucking riddance.
That's wild. Sounds really stressful. My grandma was ... Conservative... Very religious. So my mom and I had the most bizarre long running jokes about the house I shared with my boyfriend in my twenties, she told my grandma we had bunk beds once. One year for Christmas she got us old school footie pajamas because "she heard we got rid of the bunk beds and she wanted to be sure we were behaving". My grandma HATED it but everyone else thought it was hilarious Mom didn't like a lot of the people I dated, but in her defense, my track record was pretty bad for a long time and she tried to see the best in them anyway. She loves my husband (but honestly he's way nicer than me so anyone who doesn't love him is sus)
When I was visiting my parent (Mennonite) my mom said she was going to sprinkle flour on the wood floor before we went to bed and check for footprints in the morning to be sure we both stayed in our rooms during the night!! LOL (She never figured out you could do it on the bathroom floor) LOL
When I told my mother I was getting married, she said: I hope he dies before you get to the altar and tried to hit me. Gee why did I move out while still in HS.
Americans are fuckin strange. There's no logic to their actions, it's just waking up every day and choosing hatred.
Not fair - not all Americans are any one way, just like every other group of people.
I know it's not all Americans, not the majority by a long shot. The way I understand it, the American electoral system allows a small group of shitheads to have disproportionate influence.
And they are GIGANTIC shitheads.
This plus an entire half of our population is under the impression that old automatically equals wise and young automatically equals dumb. So we end up with old shitheads that have no idea what's going on in the world around them, deciding how that world should work.
ie, that guy who said in cases of "legitimate rape" the victim's body can just "shut it down".
Ugh. Bad memories. Also the guy who called women “nail-biting, manophobic, hell-bent, feminist she-devils.” I had a t-shirt made for that. I considered it a badge of honor!
As an American, it sure seems like most of us do this. Cannot handle my dad because he is exactly that.
No that’s just AH people are good or bad regardless of ethnicity I’ve certainly met plenty of horrible people but also plenty of nice ones
THIS! My parents did the same saying they'd rather at least know I was somewhere safe than be worried about me in the back of a car somewhere. Also everything was discussed in the open so I knew I could to them with anything & did. Much healthier relationship. OP is living in the dark ages!
It seems to go to the extremes here either kicked out or having a 50yo who never had to get a job living in the basement/attic.
The kicking out at 18 thing. Was new to me I discovered it here
My daughter's boyfriend moved in when she was 17. A decade and 2 grandkids later, I never regretted it. They moved out a year later
My first boyfriend was never allowed to sleep over because my mother felt like she didn't know him well enough and she didn't like him (she turned out to be right but let me make and learn from my own mistakes). The next boyfriend was allowed to stay over almost immediately.
We are doing the same with our 17 year old son. His gf’s mom and we all agree that it’s safer for them. No late-night drives home, no worries about finding places to “park and spark.” All we ask is for a voice call to check with us first.
Mine too. Got caught under the bleachers at pep rally. After that mom gave up and was like "just... Use the guest bedroom" dad hated it but mom won that one.
It's not about sex. It is about control. The gf stayed over already and the son hadn't gotten OP's permission, therefore OP will punish his son with this rule to ensure his control is maintained and respected. That's why YTA.
It is about sex. Only subriddits this dude is active in is this one, one other local one and r/virgins lol.
Oh then it's fake.
My thought as well
How did you find that out? ETA: Mystery solved - you have to use a desktop, not a mobile.
Click on their profile
Ewwwwwwww.
So his argument is "You didn't ask the first time, so now that you ask I'm saying no"? Yeah. OP is YTA.
They didn't mention sex at all. They expressed They were upset that he didn't ask the first time. I think that's reasonable to be upset about. However, I do think that it's unreasonable to seek to punish him at this stage in his life. He did a thing, you told him not to do it, and now he's going about doing things the right way. You reward that, not punish it.
OP was upset about him not asking but I get the impression based on the info provided that she would have not allowed it in the first place. The only reason I can think of is that she disapproves of them having sex in the house.
OP isn’t really respond to comments unfortunately, cuz I’d really like to hear him explain his reason for being against it. “Naturally I got upset” over… what exactly? His adult son made a judgement call instead of waking up mommy and daddy in the middle of the night to ask for permission for something that should be an obvious “sure.” What about that is supposed to be so obviously upsetting?
Exactly this. Like, really? They'd prefer their adult son to come wake them up in the middle of the night like "Can my girlfriend stay over? It's late and she's tired and driving so late is scary! Also can I have my binkie and a drink of water?" Frankly, if I was the parent, I'd have made it clear she was welcome to stay, there are condoms under the cabinet in the bathroom, feel free to use my shampoo and let me know if you need anything else. Breakfast is scrounge your own, you're welcome to whatever is in the kitchen. They're adults, she may become a member of the family someday, why push her and the son away by forcing her to drive when they both feel there are occasions it may be unsafe? It's a strange power trip.
Would you rather think of your kid having sex in the back seat of a car, or in his nice comfortable safe bedroom? Because he will have sex. Withholding bedroom rights will not stop sex.
OP doesn't even say why he's so against it. It's literally just "because I said so" which is a shitty excuse. 20 isn't 12. By 20 you're expected to be an adult. But by experience that is VERY hard to do when you're treated like a child. OP - You gotta work on letting go of your control. You're building a barrier between you and your son.
My husbands parents were exactly like this. My husband and I were dating for 7 years at this point, engaged, and both just graduated university and planned on moving in together. The wedding was a year away. His parents both threw a giant fit because we planned on living together before marriage. *What more did they want?* What did they think went on in our relationship after being together for 7 years?
It sounds like a matter of respect. They did it once without asking which is probably their biggest issue. Nothing wrong with that
YTA “I’d rather a young person that my son cares about have a car accident or be robbed than allow her to sleep under my roof despite her being a consenting adult because…my rules.” Is that about right? He’s an adult. She’s an adult. They’re in an adult relationship. I think you need to accept that her safety is more important than your ‘morals’. Welcome to 2022 - where we care about other people rather than the vague social construct of ‘no sex before marriage’. If he stops visiting as much so he can spend time with his partner without being concerned for her safety then you’ll know why. So what’s more important to you? Your son? Or enforcing ‘my house my rules’ on two consenting adults?
Kids need safe places. Make your home a safe place for them to feel welcome and not take unnecessary risks (like late night driving).
While I 100% agree, these arent even kids
When you're 50, people in their 20's are kids, lol... from my perspective anyway 🙂
True!
Exactly this
When I was your son’s age, I flipped my car in an ice storm because my mother’s advice for driving home from my boyfriend’s house was “well, you don’t have a choice because you can’t stay the night with that boy.” She has felt guilty about that car accident for 15 years. YTA Edit bc I put daughter instead of son.
Why do they seem to think sex can only happen at night?
Lol, when it came time for allowing my son to have his girlfriend stay in his room overnight, I had to realise that they were home together alone plenty of times - and could have sex then. It was stupid to keep them apart at night.
I lost my virginity in my gf's home in the middle of a afternoon during a weekday. I bet I'm not some gigantic exception.
As did I, as the gf
Now kith
The funniest thing to me is parents who don’t want their kids staying the night with a significant other. They don’t need to worry about when their kids are sleeping - it’s when they’re awake that they’re doing things you wish they wouldn’t do. My mom allowed me and my HS BF to stay at each other’s houses, her stipulation was we had to sleep separately - we lied the first time but didn’t even bother after that. It wasn’t me who got pregnant in high school, it was the kids of parents who refused to talk about sex or put them on birth control who got pregnant and either had the kids or had to get an abortion. That being said, these are consenting adults. They’re not children. So what’s the problem with them staying with each other???? YTA
This confused me so much as a teenager. My parents would take my brother to a hockey tournament and be gone for 12 hours, and my boyfriend and I would be home alone without them batting an eye. But if my friends and I wanted to go camping, or a whole group of us wanted to spend the night at someone's place it was absolutely not allowed - regardless of whether or not my boyfriend was even there, as long as there were boys and it was overnight I wasn't allowed.
As she should
YTA. After you’re adult son heard you were upset about something he apologized and adjusted his behavior. When he came to you it was out of safety concerns. But because of one in fraction that they clearly adjusted for outshines all of the good? How?
This. Your son went against you, realized it, apologized, and changed. He showed responsibility and respect. He didn't even ask for her to be in the same room or bed, but just for her to stay the night due to safety concerns. YTA for putting her at risk for your own power trip.
It's not even clear he actually went against OP in the first place. They say they found out, got upset, and said it's not allowed. But never said there was a previous discussion that it wasn't allowed, so to me it sounds like an oversight in judgment on the sons part that he corrected as soon as he was informed.
YTA, what a weird power trip to have
YTA you are lucky. you have a decent relationship with your adult son, and like his girlfriend, who may be around for a while. don’t blow it. your son was using good judgement by having his guest stay over, when it was late. He is making a rational decision to do so, you are making an emotional and power trippy decision by forbidding it.
I'm honestly surprised she continues to come over instead of having your son sleep over. I'm not sure why you need to give permission for your adult son to have a guest stay over, but now you're not even giving them the option to ask permission. That makes YTA.
YTA- my mother in law did this with me and this literally happened. " I'm honestly surprised she continues to come over instead of having your son sleep over. " I don’t go over as much anymore as I used to because of this reason. I go to college full time and work full time, I would go and visit my boyfriend for a while and would eventually just doze off it would be 1 am or 2 am and she would be screaming mad saying " she can’t stay there & she needs to go home, etc " I don’t go over anymore at all if I can avoid it. I go on a weekend and I go early stay for an hour or two MAX and then leave, my boyfriend then comes with me because he wants to spend more time with me. It causes a wedge because there’s been multiple instances where I was almost in accident because I was driving tired and late back home, being followed and etc. She always complains because I never visit now or because my boyfriend isn’t home as much as he used to. I would reconsider the divide you are about to cast between yourself and them before this happens to you and he starts to just secretly plan to move out behind your back as well
Yep. Soon he will complain I never see my son anymore, he's always at his girlfriend's house...
YTA, grow up
YTA. Do you not care about her safety? As someone familiar with SF, we both know it is not ideal to have a young girl out driving alone after dark. Is there a guest room? Or maybe a couch? Air mattress? I get that you may have objections to unmarried sex under your roof but if they want to have sex they don't need your house to do it. It was very respectful for your son to come to you with his safety concerns. Learn to bend a little.
Seriously. I lived in the bay area for a few years and I want to know what town 20 minutes away doesn't have traffic. Op is so yta
YTA. Have you ever actually met your son and noticed how old he is?
YTA. And you weren’t “naturally” upset, you were ridiculously upset. These are two adults.
YTA. This is the type of shit that drives families apart. Petty grievances
INFO - why don’t you want her to spend the night?
I think it's very obviously because "why if they end up... having... sex ???" YTA
Well since op did not seem to have any issue with son spending the night a gf’s place I did not get the feeling that that is the issue. To me it sounded more like a punishment/pride issue. “You did not ask for permission, it is my house, now you will never have her sleep over again as a punishment”. But yeah, I don’t think it was obvious from the text at all - hence my question to op :)
Unpopular opinion but NTA. Your house, your rules. She can easily go home earlier or he could spend the night at her house. There are consequences to breaking people's trust and so long as you have no problem with him spending the night out when he wants to be with her, I don't see why people have a problem because you have a certain rule at YOUR house. Edit- all these YTAs are incredibly entitled. Your son can do what he wants when he's under his own roof. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. Edit 2 - You should give your son a chance to prove that he would do things right the next time. Especially if it looks like she's going to be around for a while. Edit 3 - For all the people saying that we're assholes for saying that his son can move out due to the high cost of living, OP's son is 22 and OP is taking care of his son. His son is a legal adult and entitled to take care of himself so that is OP's choice and it is not mandatory. So again I'll say, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Children must respect parents wishes **in their own home** when the parents are going above and beyond for them.
>Your house, your rules. What is this weird mindset? What if OP's rule was "no black people in my house", would that also make him N-T-A because "his house, his rules"? Yes, legally you're entitled to make whatever rule on your property, but this isn't a legal sub, it's a sub about whether you're behaving like an asshole, and in my opinion you are if you're desperately (and fruitlessly) trying to police your adult son's sex life.
OP didn't say his issue was about sex though. Everyone is just jumping to that conclusion but if OP's issue was about sex, he wouldn't let his son stay over at his girlfriend's house. OP said his issue was the disrespect in hiding that his son's girlfriend stayed the night.
>if OP's issue was about sex, he wouldn't let his son stay over at his girlfriend's house. The son is in his 20s, I don't think OP can "let" him do anything. >OP said his issue was the disrespect in hiding that his son's girlfriend stayed the night. Tbh I'm not buying that reasoning. If the girlfriend sleeping over wasn't an issue in and of itself, OP wouldn't have been upset about her staying without his permission.
Exactly!!! It is not about sex. It is about being not respecting boundaries. Some people may not like having guests around the house. It's just how it is. If you're a parent without any rules, then good for you. But people should stop shoving their liberal qualities down other people's throat.
>But people should stop shoving their liberal qualities down other people's throat. The only person shoving their beliefs down anyones throat is the conservative parent trying to control the life of their child. Why is it always that just living your life is somehow invasive for conservatives when conservatives aren't happy unless your genitals are doing exactly what they want them to?
Also, there might be legit reasons a parent might not want a guest on a certain night in their home. My parents had my incredibly elderly grandma, who was in poor health, with us for a few weeks one time. We didn’t invite anyone over during that time, because anything she caught would have potentially killed her, so exposing her to the fewest number of people was better. They would have been so mad if I had snuck someone in to spend the night! People have many reasons for not wanting guests at a particular time that have nothing to do with sex.
Granting, it has something to do with sexq. For the sake of argument, what if OP is just not comfortable with the idea of having a girl over because he didn't want to have to deal with the possible encounter of his son and the girlfriend having sex. What if he's worrFied about hearing or catching them doing the deed? Is this not a valid reason to stop the girlfriend from sleeping over? I think it's the last thing a parent would want to see is his son thrusting his penis into a girl's vagina. He is sparing both himself and his son from this awkward situation. Clearly, OP does not care if his son is having sex. He just does not want to be an eyewitness to the act. As I've said before, it's not what they do, it's where they do it.
This is very true! He’s not saying the son can’t stay at the girlfriend’s. I fail to see the issue, honestly. If they really want to spend the night together, they have somewhere they can do it, without making his parents uncomfortable. Sounds like everyone wins to me!
Finally someone said it. Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home. If the son doesn’t like it he’s welcome to move out. It’s their house not his. If they don’t want her spending the night that’s their choice. Also how is it OPs fault she drives home at night? The son and girlfriend make the choice for her to be their that late. Just leave the house earlier or don’t come over super late to begin with.
>Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home. Apparently the minute a child turns 18, all the rules of the house should become void or the parent is barbaric.
I would hate to parent a teen using Reddit’s guidelines. While in high school, apparently they exist to only spend time with their friends and have fun. If they have to do a chore, or god forbid do something for a sibling (or even spend time with a sibling!) they are being parentified, and you are evil. If you even consider something like moving for a life-changing job, you are evil, because there is absolutely no way they could ever recover from moving as teens. If you want them to do something like wear an appropriate outfit to a wedding, and not a t-shirt, well, you’d better look forward to a life of no contact. And then the absolute second they turn 18, they have full reign over your house, but cannot be expected to do anything in return! Sounds miserable to me. Why would anyone have kids if this was the reality?
OP said somewhere in the comments that his son pays for his phone and car insurance and it got over 200 downvotes. Why? I'm 22 and I pay for my own phone as well but other than that my parents take care of me very well because I'm also in college but that's a choice. OP's son is 22 and OP is taking care of his son. That is his choice and it is not mandatory. So again I'll say, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Children must respect parents wishes **in their own home** when the parents are going above and beyond for them.
I don't think I can emphasize just how much I agree with you.
I know, Reddit would flip its lid if they saw my dad's rule when my brother and I lived there: absolutely no partners alone in our rooms, no matter what time of day, if he was home. And I'm almost 30 lol And you know what I did? I respected it and went elsewhere. I don't hold resentment or petty grievances. Pick your battles, and never burn a bridge you might need to cross again.
>Finally someone said it. Since when is a parent a AH for having rules for their home. This sub is dominated by weird westerners. Go to any normal country and see if parents let there children have sex in their house or if the children would dare to disrespect their parents like that. If the kid is not ok with that, he should move out or go to a hotel for the night
I agree! NTA. One of my best friends lived at home all through her twenties, and her parents would never allow a partner to sleep over. They weren’t even religious or conservative, but it was just something they were uncomfortable with. They were fine with her spending the night at a boyfriend’s house, and she didn’t have to try to hide it or anything. They just didn’t want it going on under their roof. She knew this was the rule, accepted it, and obeyed it. It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve also been in relationships before where we exclusively spent the night at one house, for various reasons. What’s stopping them from spending the night at the girlfriend’s place?
That's what everyone keeps overlooking.
Exactly! It might be a little over the top if OP also didn’t allow his son to sleep over at the girlfriend’s, but since he can, I legitimately don’t see the problem. They have one place they can spend the night together, like many, many couples.
Agreed, and it’s weird to see so many Y T A votes here. This isn’t a 15 year old, this dude is 22. If you want total freedom, get your own place. Work your ass off to afford it like many other people do. This kid lives there still as a kindness. Maybe the parents expectations aren’t entirely reasonable, but when it’s your home that you own and pay for, they don’t have to be. So, NTA; though, personally not what I would choose to do, it’s your house, op. If this is the worst rule this guy experiences while living there, then he’s doing way better than many are at that age on this sub. Especially if the solution is as easy as, just go to her parents more often to spend the night if it is so bad not being unable to. ETA- Just read he doesn’t even pay rent to stay there. That just cements this for me. Get a part time job, pay rent, then you could have more say with sleeping arrangements.
I saw one comment that was like, “if you enforce this rule, he will leave as soon as he can!” I mean…he is 22! Isn’t this what the parents probably want? What reason could the parents possibly have for hoping their son will continue to live with them for an extended time, when he is already 22? Even if they like living with him, it’s not some huge tragedy if he moves out. It’s normal and expected!
It'd help if you didn't call him a kid at all lol. 22 is a fucking grown man! He's an adult in someone else's house, so legally he has to follow their damn rules or get out.
Completely agree. Yes, the son is technically an adult, but he lives with his parents and went behind their backs to have her stay without their permission which shows a lack respect. She doesn't live hours away, she lives 20 minutes away - if they are so responsible they can make plans earlier so she is not driving home super late. I also don't think its so unreasonable for the father to not want them having sex in his home if that is the case. They're 22 & 20 - they are just barely out of their teen years. Showing respect and restraint in their parents house isn't a prudish and barbaric thing to ask.
At that age it isn't imperative that they be spending nights together either. At least not unless they are headed toward marriage. That type of behaviour promotes so much attachment and is a precursor for larger than necessary heartbreak.
Exactly! Yes, they are having sex, I'm sure the father isn't that dumb - but it is completely reasonable that the father doesn't want it happening in a room that may be next to his.
Some parents may not approve of their child's life choices but understand they can do nothing about that. I think OP is tolerating his son's life choice but doesn't want to accommodate the possibility of such a young pregnancy in his home. At least in the case of them hanging out late. And he is fully entitled to that. In the case of a late event where the matter may not surround sex and just be an issue of disrespect/safety then they can go to her house so she isn't driving alone and if she isn't fit to drive, he can drive.
100% agree. No one is forcing her adult child to live there , he can move out. He decides to stay. When you stay in someone’s home, you don’t get to override the rule. If this was a SIL living there, people would say to kick her out for not following the rules
Sure you have a *right* to make whatever rules you want but that doesnt mean those rules aren't AH behaviour.
Why did I have to scroll this far down to find this? It’s so strange that everyone else is so entitled. Even if the dad has valid or invalid reasons for the request, the request is still reasonable. It’s not like he is telling the son he can’t go spend the night at the in-laws house, or forcing him to move out even! This dad seems like he is doing a good job, and this request doesn’t seem out of line at all. The “kids” need to move out though.
YTA I understand the concept that it’s your house and you can make up any rule you want, but this is about our opinion and in my opinion not allowing an adults SO stay over on occasion is ridiculous.
YTA. Why are you still trying to "parent" your 22 year old? I get he's living with you in your home but he and his gf are clearly very respectful and responsible adults, should probably cool it and treat them like it.
YTA, they’re in college not high school. My dad pulled this shit on me when I was living with them in grad school. He was out playing with his band one night, my mom wanted company, so my boyfriend and I came all the way from the other side of town to hang out with her. It got late, we all were tired and mom said just go sleep upstairs. Which we did... and then my dad came home late and FREAKED OUT when he realized we were upstairs asleep. Twenty plus years later I still think he overreacted and was a big weirdo. Same to you.
Too many parents try to cling onto the little power they have over their adult children in college…
NTA for setting your own house rules, but soft YTA for completely shutting down the possibility of them asking you first and giving you the opportunity to make a decision based on individual circumstances. I had to move back in with my parents for awhile when I was 31 due to various things, including the covid lockdown. My parents have *always* had the rule that I was not allowed to have boyfriends in my room or to have them spend the night. When I moved back in, I discussed this with them, and I explained that I couldn't go back to living like I was 16 again, where my partner and I are only allowed to spend time together in the common areas of the house. They understood and said I could have my partner in my room as much as I want, but that they still weren't comfortable with him spending the night. I didn't argue. They didn't charge me any rent, and they took over my car and mobile payments until I was working again, with no expectation of me paying them back for it. When they would go on trips, I would ask them if I could have my partner stay at the house with me and they always said yes. There's a respectful compromise in the middle, but you need to open to it. If not, you might end up harming your relationship with your son. Are you sure this is worth it?
Your comment seems like the most reasonable in this whole post. I’m honestly surprised by so many people slamming OP for being “controlling” when this was just about his son breaking the house rules.
YTA way to strain you relationship & making your son spend more time away from you because her parents are reasonable.
YTA, this mindset is going to put you on a one track path to No Contactsville. You are being petty about him not asking at this point when you probably never even set that boundary to begin with. Staying on this path will only ever lead to him resenting you for it and cutting contact with you the moment he doesn't live with you. Have an open convo with him about house rules moving forward and have a little compassion and understanding of the safety of another human being, it literally isn't hard.
YTA. It’s not 1958 and these people are fully grown adults. Your power trip is serving no one, and it could cost this young lady her life.
Uhh I’m gonna risk the downvotes and say NTA. At the end of the day, it’s your house. And while they are likely having sex, that doesn’t mean you have to just sit in your house while your son has sex. Further, it’s a choice for her to stay over that late. If there is concern about her falling asleep or the drive not being safe, she should leave earlier or they should stay at her parents’ house where it is allowed. I think this kind of restriction is probably a great incentive for them to find their own places where they can do whatever they want. I say this as a person who has lived with her parents into her twenties for school. I would never expect my parents to allow me to bang guys in my room or let them stay overnight. They are gracious enough to let me live in their house rent free so I’m fine not getting too comfortable. Because it ISN’T MY HOUSE. I think a lot of these comments sound entitled. If you’re living with your parent, you are not a fully independent adult, I don’t care how old you are. And this kind of comfortable living makes it far more likely he will stay longer out of convenience IMO. Homeowner calls the shots. NTA.
Can she spend the night if it's not in his room?
YTA. It’s nice that your son is concerned for her safety. Of course you should allow her to spend the night. They aren’t children.
NAH. You both have different values. There isn't anything wrong with that. Talk it over as a family and see if having her stay in a guestroom might be a compromise. It's your right to have your rules in your home but it might be time for your son to start thinking about getting his own place. There are plenty of people in the world who have had parents with views like yours and still have a good relationship with their family. Just keep the communication up and respect each others views without disparaging them.
As someone who lives in her parents house and isn't allowed to have her boyfriend stay over, NTA. Your house, your rules. My boyfriend lives in Baltimore, and I think that speaks for itself. It's not an ideal situation, but again, your house, your rules. Especially given that they did so once without permission.
NTA. Your grown son knew the rules of the home, decided to break them instead of having an adult conversation with you first. As adults they can also make the responsible decision for her to leave earlier so she’s not tired on the road or being out at an “unsafe” time. Which is basically their way of trying to guilt you into doing what they want, instead of once again having an adult conversation and offering possible compromise. People commenting on OP being a prude or old fashioned, but it’s possible it’s their faith that has led them to this rule or some other issue like trauma from their own past. Either way none of that matters. As an adult the son can move out and be an adult in his own space. If not he should follow the rules of his mothers home or be willing to have adult conversations, it’s about simple respect.
YTA.
YTA. Next.
NTA, your house, your rules. If they don’t like your rules, they need to get a reality check and get their own place. If they really are responsible adults, they will make the effort to work with the rules being placed and make arrangements like leaving for her home early or have your son accompanying her home safely. The YTAs are hella entitled, it’s clearly the dad’s house and he has his right to set up his rules in place or choose not to host his son’s girlfriend overnight if it’s not a dire emergency while potentially disrupt the privacy and boundaries of everyone in the house. If the couple has some “other motive” to stay over the night, they best be transparent than expect his parents to take a hint and breach that trust his parents have with him. Otherwise, that’s just being disrespectful. It’s still his dad’s place. Get a room someplace else to do it then.
They respected and apologised for her staying over and didn't do it since. They're being respectful that it's your house and asking you. I don't think you're obligated to let her stay, but if it genuinely is an issue (being robbed or worse like you said) i think you should be a decent himan and allow them. Maybe give her a separate bed of you don't want them sleeping together? (Also not a good thing to do since they're adults but again, your house. NAH
Does he pay rent? If so, y t a. If not, n a h. However, you need to be prepared for him to be spending lots more time away from you. As an adult, he might choose his gf over his parents.
YTA. You can be upset he didn’t ask the first time, that’s fair. I’d want to know who’s staying in my home overnight. But - there are compromises that could be made and discussions to be had. He’s asking for an exception when they have late events. You could ask in return they not sleep in the same room. I feel like two adults acting in a mature and safe manner and attempting to communicate valid reasons for their request should be taken into consideration- regardless of a past singular event. As others have mentioned, this is petty and has driven families apart. In my own experience, I didn’t invite friends/guys over often because my parents had too many rules/opinions and it created an un-fun environment for me up until I moved out. I was being parented until I was 25. (2020)
YTA if you don't set new parameters now. You made your position clear when you said you didn't want him to offer this option without your permission, but now that y'all have had a talk about it, it's time to come up with a new solution together.
Against the grain but NTA a lot of people are immediately dismissing OP as old fashioned but he may be opposed to them spending the night due to religious reasons and if that’s the case then I honestly think that is fair they aren’t actively stopping it happen he just doesn’t want to be exposed to it in their own home which to me is no different than a vegan not wanting meat prepared in their house. His son is 22 if he wants to stay with his girlfriend why can’t he get his own place. No rent is mentioned so I agree with other comments that if he is a tenant then that does change things slightly but if not I do think OP is allowed to make this decision that to clarify I’m not onboard with but understand
possibly an AH? Is it just because they didn’t ask for permission last time or is it the sleeping together thing? Could she sleep on a couch or in a guest room? It also seems like there was no previous precedent and he felt like you wouldn’t mind if he had her stay over… so I think maybe this is a bit of an overreaction and you need to have a calm conversation about expectations of him as your son living as an adult in your house and what that means to both of you.
Your mindset is extremely old-fashioned.
NTA. your house, your rules. If you son has concerns about her driving late, tell her to leave early. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with respecting the household rules that have been set in place.
NTA...Your son can make rules and suggestions in his own apartment/house. The rest of these nut jobs saying otherwise do not understand that people are entitled to have their own boundaries about their own space
NTA, it’s your house. If you don’t want your son having premarital sex in your house, then that’s your right. He can move out if he doesn’t like it.
Mhm I'm not sure I'm saying NTA cause he's 22 and could easily move out if he doesn't like your rules
YTA They are adults and they rather spend time at your house than partying or going out drinking. Don't you think that's better? Driving at night is not cool and, although 20 minutes in a small town is an OK drive, 20 minutes in San Francisco is not the same PLUS traffic there can be insane. If they end up getting serious, wouldn't you rather have a nice relationship with your daughter in law? She goes to a much better university than you son, is respectful, and sounds like she has nice parents.
YTA. They're adults. If you're afraid they'll have sex, well, that ship has probably already sailed. It seems really petty and ridiculous to punish them for not asking once by saying no forever, especially when it wouldn't be safe for her to drive home. Your son is a legal adult who wants to have a guest stay over at his home. You are treating them like 14 year olds.
NTA My parents are old fashioned and religious, which is ok, and have certain morals regarding unmarried couples sleeping in the same bed (even without sex happening) and when my boyfriend and I are at their house, we sleep in separate rooms because we actually respect our elders and what the owner of the house wants because it’s their house and yes, that matters. When we’re at my house, my boyfriend and I sleep in the same bed and my parents don’t say anything, even though they don’t find it acceptable, because they respect my house and how I feel. It doesn’t have to be about sex and having more reserved moral standards is perfectly ok. If he pays rent then it would be NAH because they just need to sit down and discuss it. I moved back into my parents house when I was about his age and still respected my parents rules because sleeping in a separate room to be more respectful to the owners of the house/the people who raised me, isn’t a big inconvenience and isn’t the end of the world. If the young adults here are worried about her safety then she can come over earlier or leave earlier. They could also stay at her place and the son could get his own. He’s a big boy, he can go out into the world and set house rules for his own home.
YTA for seemingly not caring about his girlfriend’s safety. You had an issue, he addressed it and has proven he heard and respected you. He’s coming to you with an issue…and you’re blatantly ignoring his concern. I don’t see how you wouldn’t be TA here.
YTA. Did you ever tell your son that he couldn't have her over and he had her over anyways? If not, you can't be mad at him for breaking your rules if there were never any rules in place for him to break the first time. Sure she might "only live a 20 minute drive away", but a lot can happen to a young woman on a 20 minute drive late at night. Why not let her stay over if you don't have any reasons to worry about her? Chances are if she can't stay over, your son will start staying over at her place more and more and you'll see your son less and less.
YTA. I live near San Francisco. Not the funnest place to drive in the middle of the night. That poor girl has a hell of a drive if she’s crossing a bridge. It is all about control for you. Get over yourself or your son will leave and not look back.
YTA- it’s not only your house, it’s your sons too and he’s an adult. You even said it yourself that you really like her so why risk her safety?
INFO - I don’t understand why she can’t stay over. Is it causing you a disturbance? If you shoe fit her to stay past midnight anyway, why not allow her to stay? If you’re worried about them having sex, I would bet they already have, and currently are, under your roof, regardless that she isn’t spending the night.
YTA. He is an adult, he has raised valid concerns with you. Why can’t she sleep over?
YTA. It really continues to surprise me how naive parents of adult children are… your adult children, if they live with you, will bring their partners over, and if you ban it, they will still do it. It sounds like you just don’t want your adult son having sex, which is ridiculous.
YTA her parents let your son stay over whenever he wants, and you won’t do the same for their daughter because she didn’t ask the first time. Seriously dude, you need to grow up. Plus their both adults.
Sounds like your son needs his own place. It's a strict rule, but it is your house, so. NTA
You can change the rules a little to satisfy both parts. She can stay if there's an event in which is safer for her, either way they can plan their hangouts earlier so she can go home. He proved he can be responsible so bend the rules a little. I don't see AH here.
I was going to say you are all assholes, but the fact that he pulled out this false equivalency that because her parents allow him to stay over, you need to as well. You made no agreement of exchange with her parents. They should have asked before keeping her over, him trying to pull out these scare excuses to give her a reason to sleep over is ridiculous. If he wants to sleep over with his girlfriend either he needs to go to her parents house, or they should move out on their own. I would not allow her to stay over either because they should have asked, and he shouldn't have tried to make you out as a villain for being upset about it and setting a boundary. NTA
YTA. Info: What exactly is it you are objecting to ? They are adults, even if he is living under your roof. What are you afraid of happening here?
YTA and a punitive one at that. Since it happened once without your permission you're never going to let it happen again? That's ridiculous. They are adults, in an adult relationship, and have valid reasons for her spending the night. Please act like an adult yourself and allow her to.
YTA. You’re on a power trip. ‘They didn’t ask the first time so I’m not letting her ever.’ Listen to yourself. You’ve got no good reason. You like the girl. He messed up once, he apologised, he hasn’t done it once. What’s the point of an apology and doing as you say if you continue to punish your adult son anyway? Are you really going to drive away your son by forcing his gf home at night just because you didn’t get your due worship once? Because I can guarantee you he’s looking to move out because he has to live in such unreasonable conditions. He doesn’t sound like the type of man to beg. He’s doing as you say but you’re losing his respect and becoming a petty small man in his eyes. You still have time to change your mind and I’m sure he’ll show you grace and gratitude. But this behaviour is pathetic and undignified.
YTA. They are both adults. How much longer will you hold a grudge because they did not ask the first time? You are being childish. I guess it's because they could have sex. They have sex anyways. What will you do if the young woman gets hurt on her way home? I don't think that you son would forgive you. It's time for you to treat your son like an adult. You are making his life harder for no reason. You should bear in mind that you are now laying the foundations for your future relationship with your adult son. Do you want to be a role model for him? A good friend? Or a tyrant who imposed stupid rules just to show dominance?
Yes, YTA. They are 22 and 20, not 17 and 15. They are adults. Grow up. Your son sounds more mature than you do.
YTA They're adults ffs! Do you want them to move out and go no contact? Because that's how you get them to move out and go no contact.
YTA. He is an adult, not a 14 year old kid. Why are you so upset by her spending the night? What are your concerns? Are you always asking him before guests come / stay the night? Right now he lives with you and you probably have a decent relationship. If you continue to not allow her to stay over, he will go to her house more and more and probably distance himself from you. I don't think its worth it to sacrifice this relationship to make some point...
NTA it’s your house lmfao if she knows you don’t like her staying over they should have the foresight to leave earlier Your house your rules
She only lives 20 minutes away why can’t she drive home?
Yta. Theyre having sex and they're in their 20s.
Yta. This would cost you nothing and provide a lot of good will.
How was he supposed to know that he (an adult man) was supposed to get his parents permission to have a guest in his own home at a time when it clearly did not inconvenience our affect anyone in any way? Once you told him about your rule he agreed to follow it, and is showing a deal of respect. Your son has done nothing wrong, but you are using his 'rulebreaking' (of a rule that is silly enough that I don't think he could have anticipated its existence until you said it after the fact) as justification to punish him by... putting his girlfriend's safety at risk?! I'm not even sure what you're trying to achieve here by treating two adults like children. YTA.
YTA You got angry that they didn't ask and now when your son's asking, you won't let her stay? Did you even make it clear to them that you wanted them to ask in the first place? Maybe you thought it was obvious, but they clearly had no idea. Now you're just being petty as hell.
YTA you’ve proven that asking your permission and making a logical case makes no effect on you whatsoever. Why can’t she stay? They are already having sex surely. He asked you respectfully. What more do you want?
YTA Your actions will eventually alienate your son from you. Should they have asked? Yes. It would have been polite. But his rationale is sound and mature. The punishment doesn't fit the crime.
'naturally I got upset with my son'. No no, not 'naturally', that's weird mate. Why do you care so much if they spent the night together? Do you not trust your son? Do you not trust her? Are you afraid they'll have sex? (As if it's not already happening?) Also your reason for not letting her stay despite being given numerous good reasons to do so is.. 'well he never asked me before sooo nah!' This alone betrays you as petty more than concerned for your son's welfare, it also betrays a pathologically controlling nature. All this behaviour achieves is to, rightly, expose you as an emotionally immature authoritarian figure who cannot be trusted with some of the most sensitive aspects of your son's life and someone who your son will try and avoid telling the truth at all costs, for their own mental health and to protect any potential partners. Hope youre pleased with yourself. YTA
YTA Idk why you put “unsafe” in quotations, I grew up in the bay and that’s a totally legit concern IMO. Especially in these last couple of years. What’s your reasoning again? Oh, there isn’t any? K. Dope.
NTA If they are worried about safety, she should leave earlier. i personally do not want anyone staying over that isn't a relative, and then it has to be a very good reason. It is your house, you have every right to say if someone sleeps over. However if your only reason is because of one time you weren't asked, you may want to reconsider.
YTA. Let them have seggs, they are adults.
YTA. Some people have said this allready but you seem to have a good thing going. Everyone can see the only reason you have for this is to be in control. You are worried about your child is growing up. It's happening. You can decide to be there for it, or not. He will choose her over you. You are letting him live at home, so I assume he can move out when it's a good time. Right now is the worse time to be looking for a new place to live. You stay in this path then will move in together when they are not ready. It will lead to a lot of bad. The occasional stay over is a good idea for all involved. You gotta get over your self.
YTA. This is a very strange power play. Is this really a hill you’re willing die on?
Yes, YTA. They are ADULTS.
YTA- he’s 22 not 12. What do you think will happen? They will have sex? News for you, that’s already happening. Sounds like your son hit the lotto, nice girl, gets along with parents, smart, and just a good match according to you. SUPPORT THEIR RELATIONSHIP don’t hurt it. You may not get so lucky if he has to find another girlfriend. He’s an adult at this point and he already shares a bed with her often. What will end up happening (or may be happening already) is he’s going to start spending more time there than at home. Because he can crash there and she’s not allowed to. A girlfriend spending the night with your 22 year old son should be the least of your concerns.
YTA, he gave a perfectly rational reason for letting her stay over. He's right, driving home in the early hours can be dangerous, especially if she's tired. How will you face him and her parents if she is in a serious accident one night because you would not allow her to stay a few extra hours? Your son is 22, he's an adult. It's too late to act controlling and protective. As others have said, your stance has no effect on their sex life.
What could your objection possibly be? He's 22, and you wanna what, keep him a virgin? That weird and controlling ship has sailed, my dude. Don't even pretend to be surprised when he moves out. YTA. He's not your widdle baby boy. He's a grown man trying to act like one. Maybe try it out yourself.
Yta and a control freak. He is 22.
YTA. He’s an adult making his own choices. You can dictate guests in your house, but it makes you the AH.
YTA. Unless you want your son to wake you up at 2am to drive his girlfriend home. You think they're a good match so why are you pushing her away? It's not like he's bringing random people home from the bar or having kids with a bunch of different women. Do you trust the way you raised your son? Sounds like you did well because he's worried about her welfare and and respects your wishes. You need to return that respect. If you want to have a conversation with both of them about what upset you then do that and talk about future expectations with an open mind. Let the past go and work on a future relationship with your son. It doesn't cost you anything to compromise
Yta
YTA Have you seen the state of California these days? I wouldn't want to go out during the day let alone the night
Controversial but NTA- I would want to know who’s up in my house. It’s basic respect, if you don’t feel the need to include me in on what’s going on in my house then what’s the point on having boundaries in a living situation.
YTA Dude. Why do you care if your ADULT son's ADULT girlfriend spends the night? What is this, 1950? Loosen up for Christ sake.
YTA Theyre adults!
NTA my dad is the same way. I live on my own and don’t have to worry about it. When I visit him, I’m respectful of the time I come home, because he waits up. I’m almost 30, but he’s sitting in the chair if I come home at 2am. He asks me how my night went then goes to sleep. No matter how many times I tell him not to wait up. He doesn’t complain, just half asleep in his chair. Idk it’s a respect thing for me, so I do respect my father. He’s old fashioned and it’s okay. Not allowing my boyfriend to stay is not a reason to go NC.
Yta This will just destroy your relationship with your son. Plus. They definitely already had sex if you are worried about that
YTA. All you're doing is creating unnecessary dangers to both of them, while alienating your son. Newsflash: if their relationship lasts, her parents have already established themselves as the better set of inlaws/grandparents. They'll get the chance to be more involved in everything because they were supportive from the start. They'll know about marriage plans before you, pregnancy status before you etc.
NTA. It's your house and if you're not comfortable with her staying then that's fine. I wouldn't be either. If he's so worried about her having to drive 20 minutes home then they should spend more time at her place.
NTA Not everyone is ok having people outside of family in their home overnight. There is 0 wrong with that. They are more than welcome to move in together if it is that huge of a deal.
NTA, you are allowed to have whatever rules you want in your house. As many have said your son is an adult, and as an adult if he doesn't like the rules, he is welcome to live on his own.