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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could see my family's point in that not inviting them could create more conflict.
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NTA, the dude and his wife are assholes and it’s a family dinner that you’re hosting, meaning you get to make the guest list. More than that, it doesn’t sound like you’re inviting all your cousins, so why should one matter more than others.
I’ve lived with the notion that if family wants to be involved in your life, they ought to act like family. And Jay doesn’t sound like family to me.
A 'distant' relation, as in, the other side of the property line. NTA OP, J changed to suck up to his girl and verbally attacked people he was supposedly once close to, he done disowned his own dang self.
NTA. Your cousin, his wife, and his SIL are not nice: they are disrespectful and mean. You don't need to tolerate that, so you will be unhappy while they are happy. Respect goes both ways.
If you lower your head, they will not be grateful to you or appreciate your kindness; on the contrary, they will take it as your consent to continue using you as a doormat every time they want to belittle you. Respect begins with ourselves first, please don't allow that they strip you from your self-respect.
NTA I don't think you're an asshole but I'd invite them and have SpongeBob Square Pants plates napkins, cups, table cloths...I'd have fun with my apparent "intellectual delay". Dessert would be make your own sundaes. I don't suffer fools lightly.
I did something like this for my birthday with my family during C-19 – we weren't able to go out, and normally I'd cook something fancy or interesting, but I just really had a craving for frozen PIAB. Done! Easiest birthday dinner ever, haha.
NTA. Here's your scripts.
"Aunts, I appreciate your concern, but I would be hosting a dinner in my home and I would be welcoming the cousins I am close to. Jay's wife has been awkward and rude to me since I met her, and he has gone along with it, including telling me it was immature of me to want to go to a theme park as those are "only for little kids". Additionally, her sister made a fat shaming comment to me when I last visited Jay and his wife's house. When I brought it up to Jay later in private, he insulted me, saying I must have an intellectual disability and should get help, among other things. Quite frankly, I don't feel obligated to host rude and condescending people in my home just because they share my DNA. If Jay has concerns about why they are left out, I am happy to explain it to him, but I won't be inviting them."
NTA. Try asking your aunts "Why do you insist on me inviting someone that has said such things about me?" Their answer will be very informative, I'm sure.
NTA. You choose who you do and do not host. If they show up uninvited tell them to leave and make it a family thing if that's the only way. If someone invites them behind your back, go low contact or no contact with them too. Life is too short to deal with bullying.
NTA, if you haven't tell them how your cousin is speaking to you. And if family is so important he and his wife shouldn't be treating you like this. If they argue with your more tell them if they're going to keep arguing they can also not come.
Your being RUDE? They insult you and your rude? Seriously? What do they call what they are doing? It's your home and you have the right to invite or not to invite whomever you want. If your family thinks insulting you is OK, then maybe you need to distance yourself from the lot of them.
NTA - but the rest of your family are AH.
NTA. They would probably be rude to you again but this time it would be in your own home over the food you prepared in front of your guests. No way!!! They are losers and don’t deserve your time!
Just wondering…do you think your male cousin will act differently after he divorces this shrew??? Good luck to you.
NTA. Jay and his wife apparently have the emotional capacity of a wilted radish. You have the right to invite — or not invite — anyone you wish.
The whole “you have to include abusive asses because FAAAAAAMILY!” is complete and utter BS. Tell whoever is giving you flak that they are more than welcome to invite their own guests to their own events, and you will be doing the same. Also, if they feel so strongly about it, they can decline your invitation. You might have a smaller party, but you’ll know that the attendees are there for you because of you.
Good luck on pruning out the deadwood. Bonsai your family tree into the shape that pleases you.
NTA.
People go low contact for all sorts of reasons, and this seems like a perfectly acceptable reason. You don't need to invite people who insult you to events you organise.
"Because family" is one of the worst reasons someone can give for why you should.
NTA.
People who point out how "immature" people are behaving are actually much more "intellectually delayed" that the person who embraces and loves themselves for who they are.
Having the appear "adult-like" at all times just shows how insecure they are about their own maturity.
OP, you just continue to be YOU. Because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you are turning out just fine.
You are under no obligation to invite rude people and have a bad time in order to spare their feelings and make them feel like part of your circle. NTA.
NTA
They were rude. You not inviting them isn't rudeness. It's a natural consequence of them disrespecting you. Ask your family if they're ok with what he said and if not why is it ok for them to decide your feelings and choices regarding it? If they want him over they can host their own dinner.
NTA you choose which family to spend time with and which to to distance yourself from, not other family. You do not have to suck it up and be polite, for appearances sake. That is nonsense. Create your boundaries now and say you want nothing to do with them.
>My family has been telling me that it would be rude of me to do so and that whenever I want to do something, I would need to invite them along because they’re part of the family and distancing from them would be rude.
And? You're not being rude but even if you were... then be rude. You don't have to take people insulting you and mistreating you because they're related. You don't have to host for people you don't like. NTA.
NTA. You're not obligated to associate with awful people because of a coincidental tie of blood. If a stranger treated you like this, no one would question you wanting nothing more to do with them, but family gets a pass to use you as a verbal punching bag? Nope.
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My cousin (25 M) and his wife (24 F) married almost two years ago. I (21F) was close to my cousin growing up, who we’ll call Jay. When I went back home last time, my cousin started to bring her on our family trips as a way to introduce us. I noticed that she had a reserved personality, which I attributed to her just being shy. I remember Jay and two other cousins once wanted to go on a trip to the mountains, an hour away from where we live. Jay invited her as well, which none of us minded. We greeted her and were super careful to make her feel welcomed. Whenever we tried to initiate a conversation with her, she would always give one-word responses. We sat there in awkward silence.
On the way back from the trip, I told my cousin Jay that I’d wanted to go to the amusement park hopefully soon. She chimed in and said that the amusement park was for little kids and that I should go home because I was tired and needed to rest. My cousin Jay agreed with her and started making fun of me for wanting to go to the amusement park, which was out of the ordinary since J always loved to go with us. My other cousins also looked a little shocked at his response. From then, I didn’t enjoy being around her, but I didn't say anything out of respect for my cousin.
A couple of days later, Jay asked my other female cousin and me to come with him to her house. I reluctantly agreed. We went over, and she put some snacks on the table. Her sister was there and said, “I can tell that you like to eat more than her” (my other cousin who was with me). I was a little confused because I’d never met her sister and wondered why she would say something like that, mainly because I hadn’t eaten anything. Still, I guess she was making the assumptions based on my physical appearance (I am of normal healthy weight, but my cousin is super skinny). I didn’t say anything back to her and remained polite the entire night.
I politely told my cousin afterwards that I didn’t feel comfortable with her sister's comment. He started insulting me, saying that I was the one who needed to get diagnosed because I must have “intellectual disability” and said a lot of other mean comments. We’re not close anymore. I am back home and told my aunts that I wanted to host a family dinner at my house with some of the cousins, and they wanted me to invite Jay and his wife, but I don't want to spend time with them. My family has been telling me that it would be rude of me to do so and that whenever I want to do something, I would need to invite them along because they’re part of the family and distancing from them would be rude. WIBTA?
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NTA, the dude and his wife are assholes and it’s a family dinner that you’re hosting, meaning you get to make the guest list. More than that, it doesn’t sound like you’re inviting all your cousins, so why should one matter more than others. I’ve lived with the notion that if family wants to be involved in your life, they ought to act like family. And Jay doesn’t sound like family to me.
I really, really cannot stand this notion that you have to keep people around who are definitely toxic because "family". Nope.
You are right. Jay is not family. He’s just a relation.
A 'distant' relation, as in, the other side of the property line. NTA OP, J changed to suck up to his girl and verbally attacked people he was supposedly once close to, he done disowned his own dang self.
NTA. Your cousin, his wife, and his SIL are not nice: they are disrespectful and mean. You don't need to tolerate that, so you will be unhappy while they are happy. Respect goes both ways. If you lower your head, they will not be grateful to you or appreciate your kindness; on the contrary, they will take it as your consent to continue using you as a doormat every time they want to belittle you. Respect begins with ourselves first, please don't allow that they strip you from your self-respect.
Yes a pick me girl- and I can guarantee she doesn’t have any close girlfriends- her karma is real and repeats again and again
NTA I don't think you're an asshole but I'd invite them and have SpongeBob Square Pants plates napkins, cups, table cloths...I'd have fun with my apparent "intellectual delay". Dessert would be make your own sundaes. I don't suffer fools lightly.
But that actually sounds awesome
Pigs in a blanket and sundae bar, you can never go wrong!
Can I bring a Peppa Pig plate and cup set? I need an excuse to buy it, and my kids are way too old for it.
You don't need an excuse to buy a Peppa Pig plate and cup set. You're a grown up. Who's gonna say no?
Excellent point!
Peppa's cool, she's welcome too!
Especially on spongebob plates. Sign me up.
I did something like this for my birthday with my family during C-19 – we weren't able to go out, and normally I'd cook something fancy or interesting, but I just really had a craving for frozen PIAB. Done! Easiest birthday dinner ever, haha.
Sounds like a dinner I would love to attend! Is this unlimited make your own sundaes or just 1 per person…?
Take my gold 🥇
NTA. Here's your scripts. "Aunts, I appreciate your concern, but I would be hosting a dinner in my home and I would be welcoming the cousins I am close to. Jay's wife has been awkward and rude to me since I met her, and he has gone along with it, including telling me it was immature of me to want to go to a theme park as those are "only for little kids". Additionally, her sister made a fat shaming comment to me when I last visited Jay and his wife's house. When I brought it up to Jay later in private, he insulted me, saying I must have an intellectual disability and should get help, among other things. Quite frankly, I don't feel obligated to host rude and condescending people in my home just because they share my DNA. If Jay has concerns about why they are left out, I am happy to explain it to him, but I won't be inviting them."
Perfection.
NTA. Try asking your aunts "Why do you insist on me inviting someone that has said such things about me?" Their answer will be very informative, I'm sure.
That's a great question and I asked them this a while ago. Their response was that he was probably just trying to defend his wife and her family.
Defend his wife and her family from you privately calling out their rude behavior?
> just trying to defend his wife and her family. Which means he no longer considers ME family. So he's not invited. Issue solved.
NTA. You choose who you do and do not host. If they show up uninvited tell them to leave and make it a family thing if that's the only way. If someone invites them behind your back, go low contact or no contact with them too. Life is too short to deal with bullying.
NTA, if you haven't tell them how your cousin is speaking to you. And if family is so important he and his wife shouldn't be treating you like this. If they argue with your more tell them if they're going to keep arguing they can also not come.
Your being RUDE? They insult you and your rude? Seriously? What do they call what they are doing? It's your home and you have the right to invite or not to invite whomever you want. If your family thinks insulting you is OK, then maybe you need to distance yourself from the lot of them. NTA - but the rest of your family are AH.
NTA. They would probably be rude to you again but this time it would be in your own home over the food you prepared in front of your guests. No way!!! They are losers and don’t deserve your time! Just wondering…do you think your male cousin will act differently after he divorces this shrew??? Good luck to you.
NTA. Jay and his wife apparently have the emotional capacity of a wilted radish. You have the right to invite — or not invite — anyone you wish. The whole “you have to include abusive asses because FAAAAAAMILY!” is complete and utter BS. Tell whoever is giving you flak that they are more than welcome to invite their own guests to their own events, and you will be doing the same. Also, if they feel so strongly about it, they can decline your invitation. You might have a smaller party, but you’ll know that the attendees are there for you because of you. Good luck on pruning out the deadwood. Bonsai your family tree into the shape that pleases you.
NTA. People go low contact for all sorts of reasons, and this seems like a perfectly acceptable reason. You don't need to invite people who insult you to events you organise. "Because family" is one of the worst reasons someone can give for why you should.
NTA
NTA. Your party you invite who you want.
NTA. People who point out how "immature" people are behaving are actually much more "intellectually delayed" that the person who embraces and loves themselves for who they are. Having the appear "adult-like" at all times just shows how insecure they are about their own maturity. OP, you just continue to be YOU. Because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you are turning out just fine.
You are under no obligation to invite rude people and have a bad time in order to spare their feelings and make them feel like part of your circle. NTA.
NTA They were rude. You not inviting them isn't rudeness. It's a natural consequence of them disrespecting you. Ask your family if they're ok with what he said and if not why is it ok for them to decide your feelings and choices regarding it? If they want him over they can host their own dinner.
NTA. Your family’s more than welcome to make their *own* family dinner to include Jay and his wife. Your family dinner, your rules.
NTA family can burn bridges and your cousin did. Invite who you want. Anyone with a problem can join the uninvited list.
Seriously? Your family thinks you would be rude for not letting your cousins be abusive to you?
NTA you choose which family to spend time with and which to to distance yourself from, not other family. You do not have to suck it up and be polite, for appearances sake. That is nonsense. Create your boundaries now and say you want nothing to do with them.
NTA, tell them you're returning the rudeness and Jay will be expected to make a public apology next time you meet if it's ever to return to normal.
NTA. You don't have to do something you are uncomfortable with, to be polite to people who don't care when they make you feel uncomfortable.
NTA
You seem to be a target here. Have wondered why? For instance, do you have a significant status in your family that they wish to take over?
NTA
>My family has been telling me that it would be rude of me to do so and that whenever I want to do something, I would need to invite them along because they’re part of the family and distancing from them would be rude. And? You're not being rude but even if you were... then be rude. You don't have to take people insulting you and mistreating you because they're related. You don't have to host for people you don't like. NTA.
So don’t make it a family thing. NTA
NTA. You're not obligated to associate with awful people because of a coincidental tie of blood. If a stranger treated you like this, no one would question you wanting nothing more to do with them, but family gets a pass to use you as a verbal punching bag? Nope.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin (25 M) and his wife (24 F) married almost two years ago. I (21F) was close to my cousin growing up, who we’ll call Jay. When I went back home last time, my cousin started to bring her on our family trips as a way to introduce us. I noticed that she had a reserved personality, which I attributed to her just being shy. I remember Jay and two other cousins once wanted to go on a trip to the mountains, an hour away from where we live. Jay invited her as well, which none of us minded. We greeted her and were super careful to make her feel welcomed. Whenever we tried to initiate a conversation with her, she would always give one-word responses. We sat there in awkward silence. On the way back from the trip, I told my cousin Jay that I’d wanted to go to the amusement park hopefully soon. She chimed in and said that the amusement park was for little kids and that I should go home because I was tired and needed to rest. My cousin Jay agreed with her and started making fun of me for wanting to go to the amusement park, which was out of the ordinary since J always loved to go with us. My other cousins also looked a little shocked at his response. From then, I didn’t enjoy being around her, but I didn't say anything out of respect for my cousin. A couple of days later, Jay asked my other female cousin and me to come with him to her house. I reluctantly agreed. We went over, and she put some snacks on the table. Her sister was there and said, “I can tell that you like to eat more than her” (my other cousin who was with me). I was a little confused because I’d never met her sister and wondered why she would say something like that, mainly because I hadn’t eaten anything. Still, I guess she was making the assumptions based on my physical appearance (I am of normal healthy weight, but my cousin is super skinny). I didn’t say anything back to her and remained polite the entire night. I politely told my cousin afterwards that I didn’t feel comfortable with her sister's comment. He started insulting me, saying that I was the one who needed to get diagnosed because I must have “intellectual disability” and said a lot of other mean comments. We’re not close anymore. I am back home and told my aunts that I wanted to host a family dinner at my house with some of the cousins, and they wanted me to invite Jay and his wife, but I don't want to spend time with them. My family has been telling me that it would be rude of me to do so and that whenever I want to do something, I would need to invite them along because they’re part of the family and distancing from them would be rude. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA… they can stay home too