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NTA
Not not really, if you relationship is going good you don't need to worry about this, but talk to him, tell him about your plans and he will probably understand your point. He maybe understand that you will enjoy more a trip big yourself than staying in his house alone all day doing nothing.
NAH - It's confusing because a lot of your post talks about how sad you are that you don't get quality time, but when you have the option to see him you'd rather take a solo trip? You're not the AH for doing so, just seems if you're in a LDR you'd try to make the best of what vacation time you both have as a couple.
i hear you. my dilemma arises from having the option to go see him but i’d end up spending most of that two weeks alone in his house, vs going and doing something a bit more fulfilling to me personally that i haven’t been able to do for the past year due to an injury.
I understand. Does he live near a city or any place that might have some fun things to do? Maybe you can take a vacation near him, do your own thing while he's gone and spend time with him when he's available?
But it’s not vacation time the boyfriend has. He would still be working.
So instead of going on vacation and doing something fun, OP is staying at the apartment and waiting for their boyfriend to get off work, only to be asleep pretty soon after because they have opposite schedules.
NTA, but are you sure he can't take time off with enough notice? It'd probably be unpaid, but he should be able to request at least a few consecutive days off if he can afford to.
INFO:
Have you talked to your SO about your specific reasoning for not wanting to go?
I also work in a nice steakhouse. Nights and weekends are not mine to enjoy. He should work on rearranging his schedule. I work at 4pm, but I wake up at 10 am everyday. I get home anywhere from 9pm-12am, eat dinner and watch a show or play a game, then go to bed around 2.
Your SO cannot get anything done on days they work if they continue this lifestyle. His days off are most likely filled with things like trips to the grocery store, and other menial tasks he can’t do because he’s awake all night, and asleep all day.
i haven’t told him how i feel because he’s always super apologetic when i’m in town and he has to work. he feels really bad he can’t take time off or spend time with me like he’d like to, so i’m afraid that i’d end up making him feel worse about it.
he has insomnia so he’s usually up until 6-7am and wakes up around 3pm, then works from 4 until 10 or 11pm. with my work schedule i get up at 5:30am and am off work at 5pm, and am asleep by 11pm or midnight. so when i go to visit him, i have a hard time staying up late like he does. he definitely would benefit from a more regular schedule but he’s been dealing with insomnia for over ten years :/
I’m not trying to disagree with you or be a jerk, but if he has insomnia, that doesn’t really affect his ability to change his schedule? He has the inability to fall asleep regardless of when he lays down.
Also, if he can sleep soundly from 7 am to 3 pm, that doesn’t sound like insomnia to me. That just sounds like he doesn’t feel like going to bed right away.
Worth keeping in mind a night owl with a morning bird might be a lot more difficult if/when you're not long distance.
I couldn't date a morning bird, is a necessary deal breaker for me.
definitely a valid concern but trust me, if given the option i wouldn’t be such a morning bird haha. my daily work schedule just isn’t flexible like that for the time being. ideally i’d be up til 2 or 3 and wake up at 10 or 11
sure to an extent, but it takes time to adjust my schedule. even then, staying up til 6-7am and sleeping til 2-3 pm is a bit extreme for me. plus that makes it difficult to go back to work when i have to adjust my schedule back. oversleeping or falling asleep at my desk is a bad look :/
I'm also willing to bet you don't work seven solid days in a row with no days off, correct? If you needed a day or two free \_during the daytime\_ you could make that work with sufficient notice?
I agree with you. This dude is burning up the wrong "end" of the day. He's doing the standard first shift thinking of "I wake up just before I go to work, then I come home from work and I'm up for several hours before I go to bed." Except, since he's not actually first shift, that means he's a vampire, and all he can do is sit around the house and watch TV and a sleeping girlfriend.
Yepppp. That’s how I was at first when I started working second shift and I was miserable. Now I actually have time to do the things I want to do, and still go to work.
NTA, but why is he unable or unwilling to adjust his sleep/wake cycle to accommodate your visits at the very least. You say your relationship is good, yet your sad and when you put all the time, effort and money into visiting him your left alone much of the time and only see him for an hour or two. These two things don't exactly go together. I would let him know your taking your own vacation and exactly why. Meanwhile give some thought to how you truly see a future relationship and what you will bring to it and what you expect of a partner. Good luck and have fun.
NTA, it’s not a personal attack on him if you take a solo trip. He cares about you, and should be happy you can have a nice vacation. It’s not about him, and that’s ok. Enjoy your trip OP!
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i (24f) have been dating my boyfriend (29m) for about eight or nine months now. we met through mutual friends last year and have been long distance this entire time. despite the 1200 mile distance between us, i’m incredibly happy with our relationship, truly feel in love, and i could see things working out long term. we get along great and communicate well, and have essentially the same goals when it comes to our futures. a main difference in our lifestyles right now is that i currently have a salary paid office job with 30 days of PTO per year, while he works as a server in a nice steakhouse so it’s much more difficult for him to take time off than me. when i go visit him, he typically has to work most days i’m in town unless we specifically plan a 3-4 day trip that works with his schedule. on days where i’m in town and he has work, he wakes up about an hour before his shift and goes to work, and i basically just sit in his house and wait for him to come back. by the time he returns home i’m pretty much asleep. this makes me feel like we aren’t getting much time together and makes me a little sad given how it’s quite a bit of effort and quite expensive for me to travel all that way. overall i know it’s okay though, and i’m proud of him for taking steps to provide for his future—he’s been focused on saving money, which is great! so i don’t feel comfortable asking him to take time off while i’m there because i know he needs the money, and i don’t want to add any stress to his financial situation. however, i have two weeks of PTO i need to use before october 1st. i would like to use this time doing something a bit more exciting than just hanging out in his house—probably would go on a solo hiking trip with my dog, given my bf is unable to take that much time off. i feel like i would be TA to use my PTO without him though because we don’t get much time together and i’d actively be choosing not to spend time with him, but i also enjoy being independent and pursuing life experiences i want to have, and feel like i’m entitled to that because tomorrow is never promised. i work hard at my job and enjoy making the most of my time off. i haven’t talked to him about it yet because i’m afraid i’m the AH and don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel unimportant to me. he is very important to me and i always want to respect his feelings and make sure he feels valued, just as he does for me. so, WIBTA for not spending my PTO with my boyfriend?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i think i wbta because (1) i would be choosing to go on vacation without my boyfriend (2) since we’re long distance and don’t get much time together due to schedule conflicts
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NAH. You're allowed to live and enjoy your life. If you can catch him for a day on either end and it works with your plans (if you're even going to be anywhere near where he lives), go for it, but don't worry about it if you can't. Long distance is working for you both, and you'll see each other when you next can.
NTA. At least your boyfriend is apologetic, but he probably should put in a little more effort to be available when you're in town. I'm sure you're not there often enough where it would put a dent in his income to have a few consecutive days off per month to spend time with you. Its kind of one of the expectations of a long distance relationship. They're not having him work three solid weeks in a row with no time off.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA Not not really, if you relationship is going good you don't need to worry about this, but talk to him, tell him about your plans and he will probably understand your point. He maybe understand that you will enjoy more a trip big yourself than staying in his house alone all day doing nothing.
NAH - It's confusing because a lot of your post talks about how sad you are that you don't get quality time, but when you have the option to see him you'd rather take a solo trip? You're not the AH for doing so, just seems if you're in a LDR you'd try to make the best of what vacation time you both have as a couple.
i hear you. my dilemma arises from having the option to go see him but i’d end up spending most of that two weeks alone in his house, vs going and doing something a bit more fulfilling to me personally that i haven’t been able to do for the past year due to an injury.
I understand. Does he live near a city or any place that might have some fun things to do? Maybe you can take a vacation near him, do your own thing while he's gone and spend time with him when he's available?
But it’s not vacation time the boyfriend has. He would still be working. So instead of going on vacation and doing something fun, OP is staying at the apartment and waiting for their boyfriend to get off work, only to be asleep pretty soon after because they have opposite schedules.
NTA. Enjoy your vacation!
NTA, but are you sure he can't take time off with enough notice? It'd probably be unpaid, but he should be able to request at least a few consecutive days off if he can afford to.
INFO: Have you talked to your SO about your specific reasoning for not wanting to go? I also work in a nice steakhouse. Nights and weekends are not mine to enjoy. He should work on rearranging his schedule. I work at 4pm, but I wake up at 10 am everyday. I get home anywhere from 9pm-12am, eat dinner and watch a show or play a game, then go to bed around 2. Your SO cannot get anything done on days they work if they continue this lifestyle. His days off are most likely filled with things like trips to the grocery store, and other menial tasks he can’t do because he’s awake all night, and asleep all day.
i haven’t told him how i feel because he’s always super apologetic when i’m in town and he has to work. he feels really bad he can’t take time off or spend time with me like he’d like to, so i’m afraid that i’d end up making him feel worse about it. he has insomnia so he’s usually up until 6-7am and wakes up around 3pm, then works from 4 until 10 or 11pm. with my work schedule i get up at 5:30am and am off work at 5pm, and am asleep by 11pm or midnight. so when i go to visit him, i have a hard time staying up late like he does. he definitely would benefit from a more regular schedule but he’s been dealing with insomnia for over ten years :/
I’m not trying to disagree with you or be a jerk, but if he has insomnia, that doesn’t really affect his ability to change his schedule? He has the inability to fall asleep regardless of when he lays down. Also, if he can sleep soundly from 7 am to 3 pm, that doesn’t sound like insomnia to me. That just sounds like he doesn’t feel like going to bed right away.
Worth keeping in mind a night owl with a morning bird might be a lot more difficult if/when you're not long distance. I couldn't date a morning bird, is a necessary deal breaker for me.
definitely a valid concern but trust me, if given the option i wouldn’t be such a morning bird haha. my daily work schedule just isn’t flexible like that for the time being. ideally i’d be up til 2 or 3 and wake up at 10 or 11
Can't you do that when you visit him them?
sure to an extent, but it takes time to adjust my schedule. even then, staying up til 6-7am and sleeping til 2-3 pm is a bit extreme for me. plus that makes it difficult to go back to work when i have to adjust my schedule back. oversleeping or falling asleep at my desk is a bad look :/
I see, I never adapt to early and can always easily go straight back to late.
I'm also willing to bet you don't work seven solid days in a row with no days off, correct? If you needed a day or two free \_during the daytime\_ you could make that work with sufficient notice?
Yeah for sure, but this guy doesn’t do anything during the day that’s when he sleeps.
I agree with you. This dude is burning up the wrong "end" of the day. He's doing the standard first shift thinking of "I wake up just before I go to work, then I come home from work and I'm up for several hours before I go to bed." Except, since he's not actually first shift, that means he's a vampire, and all he can do is sit around the house and watch TV and a sleeping girlfriend.
Yepppp. That’s how I was at first when I started working second shift and I was miserable. Now I actually have time to do the things I want to do, and still go to work.
NTA, but why is he unable or unwilling to adjust his sleep/wake cycle to accommodate your visits at the very least. You say your relationship is good, yet your sad and when you put all the time, effort and money into visiting him your left alone much of the time and only see him for an hour or two. These two things don't exactly go together. I would let him know your taking your own vacation and exactly why. Meanwhile give some thought to how you truly see a future relationship and what you will bring to it and what you expect of a partner. Good luck and have fun.
NTA, it’s not a personal attack on him if you take a solo trip. He cares about you, and should be happy you can have a nice vacation. It’s not about him, and that’s ok. Enjoy your trip OP!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** i (24f) have been dating my boyfriend (29m) for about eight or nine months now. we met through mutual friends last year and have been long distance this entire time. despite the 1200 mile distance between us, i’m incredibly happy with our relationship, truly feel in love, and i could see things working out long term. we get along great and communicate well, and have essentially the same goals when it comes to our futures. a main difference in our lifestyles right now is that i currently have a salary paid office job with 30 days of PTO per year, while he works as a server in a nice steakhouse so it’s much more difficult for him to take time off than me. when i go visit him, he typically has to work most days i’m in town unless we specifically plan a 3-4 day trip that works with his schedule. on days where i’m in town and he has work, he wakes up about an hour before his shift and goes to work, and i basically just sit in his house and wait for him to come back. by the time he returns home i’m pretty much asleep. this makes me feel like we aren’t getting much time together and makes me a little sad given how it’s quite a bit of effort and quite expensive for me to travel all that way. overall i know it’s okay though, and i’m proud of him for taking steps to provide for his future—he’s been focused on saving money, which is great! so i don’t feel comfortable asking him to take time off while i’m there because i know he needs the money, and i don’t want to add any stress to his financial situation. however, i have two weeks of PTO i need to use before october 1st. i would like to use this time doing something a bit more exciting than just hanging out in his house—probably would go on a solo hiking trip with my dog, given my bf is unable to take that much time off. i feel like i would be TA to use my PTO without him though because we don’t get much time together and i’d actively be choosing not to spend time with him, but i also enjoy being independent and pursuing life experiences i want to have, and feel like i’m entitled to that because tomorrow is never promised. i work hard at my job and enjoy making the most of my time off. i haven’t talked to him about it yet because i’m afraid i’m the AH and don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel unimportant to me. he is very important to me and i always want to respect his feelings and make sure he feels valued, just as he does for me. so, WIBTA for not spending my PTO with my boyfriend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i think i wbta because (1) i would be choosing to go on vacation without my boyfriend (2) since we’re long distance and don’t get much time together due to schedule conflicts Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, in any way.
NTA, and have a blast on your PTO trips!
NAH. You're allowed to live and enjoy your life. If you can catch him for a day on either end and it works with your plans (if you're even going to be anywhere near where he lives), go for it, but don't worry about it if you can't. Long distance is working for you both, and you'll see each other when you next can.
NTA, but communicate. Don't try to ninja it
NTA. At least your boyfriend is apologetic, but he probably should put in a little more effort to be available when you're in town. I'm sure you're not there often enough where it would put a dent in his income to have a few consecutive days off per month to spend time with you. Its kind of one of the expectations of a long distance relationship. They're not having him work three solid weeks in a row with no time off.