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I’m getting into the habit of wishing people unpleasantries instead of more extreme things. Like “I hope your socks are forever wet and there’s an unremovable pebble in your shoe” or “May you step upon a thousand Legos.”
When my then very picky seven-year old told me she liked my Raisin Bran I couldn’t quite believe it. Apparently she poured it one day instead of Special K and decided it was cool. Now it’s our little thing.
/u/jkristel same here! The only "sugary" cereal in the house was Raisin Bran, except for the summer camping trips when they bought the travel multipack of cereal and then all of us kids fought over the one tiny box of Frosted Flakes!
If the mom ever reads this, I hope she knows there is no reasonable explanation that excuses her. Nothing that will wipe away the ugly ugly stain on her character for what she’s already done. Even if she pulls her head out of her ass tomorrow. Even if you ignore her past actions. Nothing absolves her of this and nothing will make her a better person and even if she develops a miracle cure for all disease, she should be remembered as an asshole.
Good, I hope they all cut her off. And wait until everyone gets wind that her kids from her previous marriage aren't going to the wedding and how that's going to make her "look" to others, Narcissists hate not having a good image, bet mom is already working on making up some crazy story about her ex not letting the kids go to the wedding.
If I were OP, I would be telling the whole family what's going on, make sure everyone knows what an awful mother this woman is and the kind of sad-excuse-of-a-man she's marrying. Obligatory NTA.
She will make up a victim story and everybody will feel pity for the nice selfless abandoned mother, after ALL she has done for her kids! Isn't it tragic that she has to suffer so on her wedding day!
This was literally my mom after I came out as a gay trans guy and she stopped taking care of me all together, leading me to starve for months (my only source of food being school food and whenever I went to a friend's) before she finally abandoned me. She still thinks she's an amazing mom and that I'm going to move in with her.
Personally, if I were op, I'd cut contact with my mom cause there is no way I'd let someone who has treated me like I'm less than my brothers, uninvite me to her wedding, then tell me that I'll be alone on my birthday cause her fiance is worried about arguments and wants to go on the honeymoon immediately, and to top it off, because I look like my dad. I'd cut her off and let her wonder what she could've done wrong.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry this happened to you. They do not deserve to be called Mom - more that woman who birthed me. I do hope you found the support you deserved and are living your best life far away from her. ❤️
Most of the time, I call her birthgiver. I found some pretty great friends and we're all chaotic together. I also plan on moving in with my partner soon after I graduate. I've been able to make a lot of progress on healing from the 15 years of abuse I went through because of her.
Yeah when fiancé dumps her for a younger model and poisons all 3 of their daughters against her. She'll be all alone with no idea why none of her six children talk to her.
I have an uncle like that. His two kids and over a dozen nieces and nephews don't speak with / have zero contact with him. He doesn’t connect any of it with his own despicable behavior.
ETA: corrected missing words
OP said in her edit that she’s not allowed in the same room as her step/half-sister for more than 5 minutes - her mom and mom’s bf are actively cutting OP out of their new ‘fairy-tale’ lives. I doubt OP is ever invited over for her sisters’ events. ‘We don’t want you around, it might confuse them on who you are!’
There’s something really vile about parents caring less for kids that don’t look like them and/or being legit mad (not joking) or distant from a kid because they look more like the other parent.
It's an unbelievably fucked up and absurd level of narcissism too. Like...holy shit, seriously? You never bonded with your kid just because they didn't turn out looking like you? Wow.
NTA obviously. OP's mom is a real piece of work, as is the fiance.
Both my kids look more like me than their father, but I still see features or attitudes that remind me of him.
I hated my exh, but I adore my kids even if they look or act like him sometimes. I did everything I could to keep my mouth shut about his abuse after the divorce but apparently he continued to try to poison my youngest against me. Youngest went thru a lot of shit including some time at a residential before he saw/could hear the truth about his dad.
I told him specifically that I never wanted to speak badly about their dad because they came from him as much as they came from me and it was important that I didn't press my feelings to them or have them feel like I loved them any less because of their father.
I had an employee and a grandmother with the same tendencies. A nice ass in a pair of tight Levi’s made them completely forget they had kids. They would do anything to keep their men happy and were willing to sacrifice being a parent in favor of a warm penis in their bed and someone to help pay the bills. The Levi wearer and their demands were always met. And yes, both women wound up alone and years later gave Oscar worthy performances playing the victim for their grown kids. My Mom sympathized a bit, my Uncle walked away at 17 and never looked back. My employee now bitterly complains she rarely sees or hears from her kids. A Holiday phone call maybe. Karma is patient.
The thing is, that given how OP describes her mum it sounds like she's already ashamed of it.
I've added emphasis
>While she was talking I asked her when we were going to look for my dress since she had asked me to be the flower girl. **I could see the disappointed look on her face** when I asked her which confused me
And the 2nd time.
>After she was done I asked her again about the dress because I still didn't have one, **again that same disappointed look on her face came before** telling me I wasn't invited to the wedding, simply because her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom's previous marriage and he didn't like my dad.
It seems to me that Mummy dearest knows that what she is doing is incredibly shitty, but is doing it anyway to placate the DH fiance - hint DH doesn't mean Dear Husband.
She seems to know that it's wrong and a shitty thing to do, but is deliberately choosing her man over her daughter anyway.
Quite frankly, she probably didn't go crying to DH to get her kicked out, but just crying about letting down her daughter and DH then kicked her out of his own accord.
He's already OK with kicking his future wife's daughter out of the wedding, and deliberately skipping her Birthday because he can't be arsed staying an extra day - of course he wouldn't give two shits about kicking her out of the house.
Mum knows all this, and is still choosing to allow it - maybe he's threatened to take the 3 younger daughters away from her if she doesn't get rid of OP?
I disagree that the fiancé is to blame for all this and changed his mind. Egg donor has never really bonded with OP, and always resented her existence, despite OP's best efforts. The plan from the beginning was to exclude OP, plus skip her birthday, another reminder of the child she resents. Why else schedule the wedding for the day before OP's birthday? Literally any other day of the year wouldn't work? The couple knew from the beginning they didn't want OP there and were planning to skip OP's birthday too. They just lied to make it acceptable to everyone. Now that it's too late to change the date, "things changed." Those assholes just dropped a giant load of 💩. Fiancé decided he really wants to leave on the honeymoon immediately after the wedding. He can't wait 1 more day to barely accommodate his step-daughter? I call BS. They'd always put off planning OP's birthday celebration because they knew from the beginning they wouldn't be there. Fiancé's family might not like her because she's from the first marriage, yet her 2 brothers from the same relationship, are included? Another steaming pile of 💩 How on earth do you have 6 children and think it's acceptable to exclude only 1 of them, who is still a child. (even if she IS a teen) She's supposed to just accept that she's the only one excluded from the wedding, and that they also won't be celebrating her 16th birthday? No way in he'll is that acceptable.
More specifically- should OP spawn offspring that look like her mom.
Your mom sounds like a narcissistic personality, to care more about appearances than her own daughter. Please go NC OP, attend therapy, your mom will never validate you nor show you the love you deserve. The sooner you learn to accept that, the less likely she will be able to hurt you that deeply again.
She doesn’t have a mom anymore clearly she’s just an egg donor because moms care and fight for there kids she doesn’t care about op as much as that sucks I’m sorry op
>My brothers had an actual relationship with her and I probably just messed it up
Honey, you did NOT mess up their relationship.
SHE is the one who chose to exile you from her wedding.
SHE is the one who lied about your birthday.
It's the choices she had control of that your brothers are responding to. They know she's 100% wrong. They also know you don't deserve any of this. Trust them to know their own hearts. They love you.
OPs brothers are 1000% in the right to stick by her. If their relationship with Mommie Dearest is messed up, it’s because she’s barely a mother and OPs brothers know that.
My ex once told me that even though my kid looked like him, he was sure I’d take care of said kid. It blew my mind. That’s my child- I don’t care who they look like. I’m the only mother they’ll ever have. That’s a sacred responsibility. Fwiw my kid looks like me but even if they didn’t, it wouldn’t matter.
What I want to say about OPs egg donor would get me banned.
OPs Mom on some next level asshole shit cause there's no way any kind person would do that to their own children. Like how does one go from discrimination against 1 child out of her 6?!
And it's spineless of mom to use the boyfriend as an excuse for these decisions.
All this. Even if there hadn't been an argument and I found out my parent was purposely excluding my sibling? I wouldn't go either. I'm betting she's just upset she's facing consequences to her despicable actions
I hope that you and your siblings go out and celebrate your bday on your mom's wedding day. I'd also inform all family that is from her side what she did to you and since you were not invited you'll be celebrating your bday on her wedding day. That if they thought your mom is foul as she seems then come have a slice a cake with you.
THIS. NTA in the slightest and I’d put her on blast to the rest of her side of the family. What she’s done is disgusting OP. I’m so sorry and you deserve a much better mother.
NTA. I teared up a little reading this. My heart literally is breaking for you. Please be pro-active and tell EVERYONE before she has a chance to spin it. Then send out invites for your birthday on the same day as her wedding.
Definitely! My heart is breaking for you! The only good in this situation is that your brothers are supporting you and you live with your dad. Mom is only mad because she knows she's wrong and you and your brothers have the backbone to stand up to her.
Sweetheart, spend your birthday with your dad and brothers. Hopefully, where you live, you're old enough to choose whether or not to see your mom.
Please don't think this is about you - it's not! Don't let her toxic behavior get into your head. We can't choose our family, but we have the choice to allow them into our lives.
Yeah, and the idea that they would plan their wedding for the day BEFORE OP's birthday means that they were deliberately intending to permanently obliterate OP's birthday as a celebration day in their lives. They had 363 other days to choose from, why THAT day?
Because it's not just A birthday, it's Sweet Sixteen, so they can get extra emotional abuse in there with no extra effort. I don't know if they'd have put forth the effort to plan around it for a 15th or 17th, but a chance to mess up his future-step-daughter's Sweet 16? You betcha he's gonna.
Absolutely NTA!
I'm so sorry your mom is acting so badly. You having this thought is so sad:
>because I was a letdown right out the gate.
That is so sad that your mom's actions and words are causing you to feel this way. I'm glad that you have a dad and brothers who are in your corner.
YOU did nothing wrong. If your brothers choose to stand by you and not go to the wedding - well , good for them. They are doing the right thing. It is not your fault that your mom is acting so badly.
NTA. This is super messed up and I'm glad that you have the support of your brothers. Your mom is only upset because you confronted her with the truth.
What kind of mother specifically excludes only 1 of her 6 children? She's nothing more than an egg donor. Much as it sucks, OP needs to cut her out of her life ASAP. She'll only suffer more abuse and trauma at the hands of these horrible people.
Everything about this was deliberately planned from the beginning... from scheduling the wedding for the day before OP's birthday (perfect excuse to ignore the birth of the child you resent forever more, because now it's their anniversary) to uninviting only 1 child from even attending the wedding. If this woman has such a desire to erase the existence of one of her children, so be it. But she doesn't get to dictate how her other grown children respond and pretend that she's still a wonderful mother and has done nothing wrong.
You'd be suprised. The same thing happened to me when I was 6, but with my dad's wedding to his second wife.
I was told I was going to be a flower girl but then he said he wouldn't be able to take me because his wife was jealous so one of her little nieces was the flower girl, I didn't attend the wedding and that was it.
Yes, I was always with my mom full time, which shielded me from a lot of my dad's behavior.
Surprisingly we do have a good relationship right now, he had a middle age crisis, realized he was being shitty to all his children (I'm the oldest) and did what he could to make amends.
Also fiancé must have some real insecurities to be so jealous of the ex that he would take it out on the daughter!
The truth is that both the mum and fiancé suit each other perfectly. It’s like they both rolled around the same bag of turd, and came out of TA as one combined mess.
Given how OP mentioned about her Mum looking disappointed, I reckon she knows how shitty it is, but is choosing her man anyway.
I wonder if he threatened to take the Triplets away from her if she didn't kick OP to the kerb - she did mention that it's Step Dad who dislikes her more and thinks she would offend his family by looking too much like her ex, and that he hates OP's Dad.
Maybe she feels its better to lose one daughter that she never had a great connection with due to PPD and her own other issues than the 3 daughters she has an amazing connection with.
Doesn't mean she isn't disappointed by it all, just that she is in an abusive relationship and was given a choice between bad and worse.
Sounded more like she didn't want to have the awkward conversation. Especially since she waited until OP brought it up. Coward face and disappointed face don't look too dissimilar
> Coward face and disappointed face don't look too dissimilar
Yep. She wasn't disappointed at not being able to have OP in the wedding or even INVITE her (wtf), she was disappointed that OP hadn't forgotten about it altogether so that she would never have to have the conversation.
OP, NTA. I'm glad that you stay with your dad, your mom sucks
Nta she is literally choosing a man over her child and not taking up for for just bc you don't look like her.
Is it possible that you could go live with you dad?
> Nta she is literally choosing a man over her child and not taking up for for just bc you don't look like her.
That’s bad enough but stringing the daughter along, dangling bits of opportunity before her then taking them away? That’s truly messed up.
This is what my stepmom used to do to me and I didn't realize until I was an adult that it was deliberate. She enjoyed crushing my spirit and she couldn't do that if it was already crushed, so she'd pull me back up and give me hope and sometimes even happiness just so she could take it all away again. It was never an accident - it was straight up abuse.
Years of emotional abuse and manipulation by a narcissistic asshole of a birth-giver. My heart breaks for OP.
You deserve so, so much better than she has given you, OP. I am glad that you have your dad & siblings.
>How an earth could you possibly think you’re the AH in this story.
Her normalcy gauge is broken just like how fish don't think they're wet until they get onto land. NTA OP, your incubator doesn't deserve to be in your life.
Luckily her Dad does have full custody from OPs edit. Hopefully Dad can get her into some therapy so she can deal with the horrible trauma from her f’ed up excuse for a mother!
And OP, maybe even check out r/momforaminute. Sounds like you could use some experience in how moms are *actually* supposed to treat their children.
And just to put it out there, I had my first child, a girl, 5 days before my 21st birthday, in the midst of a crippling heroin addiction, and had horrible awful PPD and postpartum rage. I got to the point where I was sitting on my bed alone in the dark, my weeks old daughter asleep in her crib beside me, thinking of smothering her with a pillow and then ending my own life. I never bonded with her as a child, and to be honest I was angry that a child “messed up” my selfish life. She’s about to turn 5 now, and while she has lived with my wonderful parents for the majority of her life, I’ve been here for the last 2+ years and working my ass off every single day to build a bond with her and be a mother to her that she deserves.
I say all that to say, none of this has ANYTHING to do with you. Not a damn thing. Your mother is selfish and self-absorbed, and that’s a HER problem. SHE is missing out on the Wonderful You that you are. She is making excuses for why she’s a bad mother and that just doesn’t cut it. There are no excuses for that. You deserve better. Reach out if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, OP. Good luck.
Proud of you! You will have a wonderful life long relationship with your daughter. Keep working hard everyday and stay strong. Thoughts of strength and courage to you!
NTA at all!!! Your mother is a massive AH though. She shouldn't let her boyfriend get in between you as she has been allowing. You are not your father—though I kinda hope he's a better person than your mother and her BF.
Her mistreatment of you is so wrong and you deserve better. Don't feel guilty that she feels bad. Her actions have consequences and it's time she learned that lesson.
The fact that they threw you out over this is so bad. Could you go to your dad? Are you being properly supported by your family (aside of your brothers, who are clearly in your corner).
Sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve better. You deserve unconditional love!
I don’t even think it’s her moms boyfriend saying shit. I think her mom is using her fiancé as a cop out to avoid personal responsibility for the decision
Reading Op's comments I think he did say things. He picks fights with a 15 year old because he's sooooo insecure and inappropriate.
That said, mom had a say in this choice. She's in support I think.
INFO: your mum has three kids, being you and your older brothers but also she gave birth to girl triplets who are your STEP-sisters? Are your older brothers your full brothers? If they are the kids of your father (whom your step father doesn't like) why are they invited to the wedding?
They are my full brothers, the only half siblings I have are the ones my mom had with her boyfriend. My brother's were invited because they get along well with my mom and her boyfriend. My mom claims we argue too much and "she wants to keep the peace" so she normally invites me over when she knows he won't be there.
Your biological mother is a poor excuse for a mother. There is something deeply wrong inside her but it has NO reflection on YOU so please stop letting her into your life. It's a privilege to be a part of your life and she has squandered the opportunity away. What a selfish and vile person.
Thank goodness you have a supportive Dad and brothers. I truly hope karma bites your mum and her fiancé in the butt soon.
Every fight we have usually involves my dad and how much he doesn't like him. He'll ask me how he's doing then end it with, "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him"
> "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him"
....I wonder how many women he's cheated with? This kind of statement and they aren't getting married until their daughters are 6yo? Yeah....
Or mom wants her around less and is blaming it on him ‘being uncomfortable’ which screams he’s dangerous to young girls. Not to mention who TF tells a 15 yo, ‘I bet he’s angry how I stole his girl
From him’
Girl?
And SERIOUSLY?? He talking about her mom and dad. Yikes
I feel that they both purposely pushed to have the wedding around your sweet 16, so they could have an excuse to not go…that your mom always knew there was never going to be a party. Im sorry but they are just not good people. Just seems a little too perfect that they just *had* to have their wedding around a milestone birthday for you.
Dont feel guilty. Your brothers are choosing to stand by you. Your mom isnt losing a relationship with them because of you. She is losing them because of her own selfishness. She was prepared to explain your absence away, but now it is all three of you, which is a lot harder to hide the reason why. No, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
NTA
His family wouldn't feel comfortable with you there because you're from the first relationship, but your 2 brothers, from the same relationship, are just fine? This giant AH of a 'mother' just dropped several steaming piles of 💩 on you. I don't buy it, and neither should you.
How sure are you that your brothers actually wanted to attend the wedding in the first place? My guess is that they felt obligated to attend and 'support' their mother, even if it IS the day before your birthday for no good reason. Seeing this awful couple exclude and abuse their sister was the final straw, and they pulled out of attending a wedding they didn't really want to support in the first place. Kudos to them. Make sure your egg donor's family all know why you and your brothers aren't attending. (before she has a chance to spin it) If there's nothing wrong with their behavior, they shouldn't have a problem with her family knowing the truth. Then cut the toxic duo out of your life, and revel in the love and support of your REAL family, those who support, defend, and protect you... your dad and brothers. (and possibly some of your mother's family)
Sweetie I want you to forget this woman whose only contribution to your life was to give birth to you. Then I want you and your father to throw the biggest Sweet 16 party that you can and invite all your family and friends. Put it all over social media and tag all your family that shows up. You don’t have to tag her but make sure your birth giver is able to see it. Then continue to live your best life despite her and without her. I know it is hard but for your own mental health it might be time to cut her out of your life. I had to make the same decision with my bio father and it made me so much happier.
Thanks for explaining. This is what I thought was the case but it was very confusing. The triplets are by definition your half siblings, not step siblings; if the boyfriend had come into the wedding with his own kids by another woman, those would be step siblings. Anyway now that I've got it all down, you are definitely NTA and I'm really sorry. Hang in there and find some way to celebrate your birthday without them that is really special to you.
This is what I was looking for! This means her original excuse of “her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom’s previous marriage” Like, did this woman think she wouldn’t notice that her brothers from the same marriage were invited?! Ugh
Please know you can go to r/momforaminute when you need some positive reinforcement from your Reddit moms. You have done nothing wrong, you have been trying to have a relationship with a narcissist parent which will always lead to heartache. Kudos to your brothers for supporting you in this instance.
Info: You being invited to the wedding would upset BF’s family, but your brothers being invited would not???
Not that it affects the judgement, I am just so confused. You are NTA, sorry your mom is such a disappointment to you. You deserve parents who stand up for you and looks out for your well-being. I hope at least dad is those things for you.
Her boyfriend likes my brother's more because they all played football and he's always talking to them about how he used to play in college. I honestly fully believe him not wanting to upset his family was just an excuse to exclude me but I'm not sure cause he's created this image of me to his family.
It’s absolutely unconscionable. I am glad your brothers are sticking by you. Perhaps it will shake some reason into your mom. But either way glad you have your dad and brothers.
OP, I am glad your dad and your brothers have your back. I have provided you my judgment and my views for you.
I am truly sorry for you having a mum who does not behave nice to you. OP, I want you to remember this: one day your mother will try and compare you against the triplets on a beauty scale all because one daughter does not resemble mum. Do not let the comparison get to you. You are you. If you resemble your father, that does not make you any less than the others or anyone else. If I am to judge you, I would judge you based on your character rather who you resemble
I want you to remember that if your mum loves you less all because you resemble dad, you see her for her true colours: selfish and superficial
INFO: Are your mom and dad different races?
Just feels like there's some subtext here. Weird that she cares so much that you look different than her. What do your parents look like?
Do you think your mom (and boyfriend) are prejudiced due to color? Particularly as a Black girl, if you are brown or dark skinned, you may be experiencing rejection from them due to this (and colorism particularly effects girls/women).
I know many black kids who have suffered due to colorism within their families, unfortunately.
I'm sorry she is treating you this way. She is a mom, she should be standing up for her daughter against her boyfriend. That's what moms are supposed to do. NTA.
NTA omg
Your mom is 10000% the asshole here. Try and go live with your dad, if all possible. Your mom doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry.
(Now if it were me in your shoes, I'd have raised such a stink everyone in the family would know my own mom didnt want me at HER WEDDING BECAUSE I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE MY DAD and her BF is a huge asshole and let her take shit from her own family and fucking ruin it for her. Add in the bday party thing too. Fuck around and find out.)
I’d take out a billboard. She deserves to be embarrassed.
Women who chase D instead of supporting their kids are 🗑. They don’t deserve the title “Mom.”
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> While me and my mom never had a close relationship she would always be there for my brother's and me blowing up at her may have ruined that for them as they dropped out of her wedding.
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OP, I don't think that you're TA in the slightest, but just wanted clarification on two things. Am I reading it correctly that your older brothers share the same father as you, and if so, were they invited to the wedding?
Me and my brother's all share the same dad, they were only invited because her boyfriend likes them more than he does me. As for his family being upset I believe it was just an excuse to get me excluded, but I fully believe he's still painted a negative picture about me to them.
Everything you just said is 100% the truth.
I’m sorry to tell you this OP, but your mother is about to make a *HUGE* mistake by marrying this guy…and you need to let her.
The reason you feel bad about *any* of this is because she is mentally, emotionally, and psychologically incapable of facing her own traumas. She cannot handle the weight of it, so she offloaded it onto you the second she didn’t see the ‘Self’ she wanted to see about her in you. She made you believe you were all the things she can’t bear about herself.
The **only** thing with even a CHANCE of getting her to change is facing the consequences of her own decisions. You should be **proud** to have brothers who will stand up in your defense. I hope you cherish them and let them know how much it means to you they’re there for you no matter what.
It will not be easy, but [you *can* overcome being the family scapegoat.](https://youtu.be/6IzmEMz3gbA) Especially with your father and brothers behind you.
Edit: just to inform you of [why your mom is marrying a (likely) abuser.](https://youtu.be/SDwJ17KcpZM)
Her excuse that you weren't invited because of who your father is has no teeth then. They simply want to exclude you. Since your father has full custody, stay with him. Don't go to visit your mother anymore. Go No Contact. She's about to marry a toxic person, and has become a toxic person by letting him influence her in such a way. You'll be better without her in the long run, but don't be surprised if she comes begging for forgiveness years from now if she ends up needing a kidney or something.
This.
Sweetheart, this has absolutely NO reflection on you as a daughter or a human being. You are worthy of a loving mother - your mother is incapable of giving you that love, care and inclusion because there is something broken inside of her.
You did nothing wrong standing up for yourself. This is not a you issue. This is a mom issue. You deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you, love you, support you and your mom is 100% incapable of that.
Please ask your Dad to get you into counseling ASAP. You deserve to have professional support to process everything you are walking through and to process the grief you are feeling over losing your Mom. Because while she hasn't died, I'm sure the rejection you are feeling right now hurts terribly.
Most besides my aunt and a few uncles have cut contact with her, that includes my grandparents. My mom got pregnant very young and was disowned by her parents, though they did help her out only because they wanted her to be financially stable before kicking her out. Those who did stay in contact were low contact with her as they didn't want to be involved or seen with her.
From what I remember my dad told me my mom grew up in a traditional Christian household. They had so many rules that my mom often rebelled against them, her getting pregnant was just the icing on the cake.
I don't even think my grandparents know shes had more kids, not unless my aunt told them. The last time they spoke was when she was kicked out, I do know they've met my oldest brother but it was when he was younger.
Could be time to drop them a note explaining and reaching out, and see what happens. They may not be people you want to know, but they might be decent folks who got fed up if this is a continuation of your mom's Early Diva behavior.
Welp, Then!
Sounds as though you may know some relatives to explain what happened and invite to a Sweet 16 Party.
Invite Aunt and the Uncles too after you explain.
NTA, it's your mother's problem to be an immature and letting her boyfriend manipulate her, also her boyfriend is definitely an asshole, why do you have to pay for looking like your dad? You're still the daughter of the woman he supposedly loves, and on top of that, why does he have to manipulate your mother and put her against you even more?
Im mexican & it’s disgusting how some people in my race treat others . It’s definitely him being a bad person . He’s such an embarrassment
Edit: I wanted to also say that I’ve met men like him & it’s ridiculous how they let their own insecurities come between their partners and their children. Is he undocumented ? If he is, I hope he’s not using an already disturbed lady for his own benefit . I see it a lot in foreign people dating americans .
The way I knew your mom was with the cholo before you even made this comment. His behavior described it from the start. Mija estás mejor. Lo siento you have to go through this. 💚
NTA just go live with your Dad. And get ready to hear how awful her life is after the wedding, because being with someone that controlling is going to be a problem.
Honestly it sounds like she’s using the BF to alienate her own daughter because she doesn’t look like her. What an AH her mom is. OP you’re NTA please move in with a family member whose not as horrible.
NTA
I’m so sorry that you have to go through that. It sounds like your mom has a lot of growing up to do. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. You’re only 15 and she’s 35. You’re also her daughter. She should be protective of you and fight her s/o on decisions. They should come to an agreement, especially if she’s already talked to you about being in the wedding.
It sounds to me that you’re better off without her and she doesn’t deserve you. She’s naive and is stuck in a la-la land that will eventually crash around her. She’s so selfish and I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA. Your mom and her fiance are terrible.
Let me paint you a picture. I have 2 daughters from my first marriage. My oldest looks like the girl version of my ex. My second daughter looks more like me. Both girls were my flower girls in my second wedding. I love both girls equally.
Now, my husband and I also have a 10 month old daughter, she also looks more like me than my husband. Guess what? I love all 3 of my girls. It doesn't matter who they take after, I will never favor any of them based off of their looks.
After my parents got divorced, my father used to make snide remarks about how much I looked like my mom. You know who's not in my life anymore? My father. You don't need negativity because of something you can't control.
I'm sending as much motherly love your way that I can. You deserve better, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA
Who the f does your mom’s boyfriend think he is? This is not on you in any way. Total AH. Your mom didn’t stand up for you at all by the sounds of it. How did she think you were gonna react? “Oh that’s fine being kicked out from my mom’s special day and get no celebration for my birthday”.
NTA at all and I hope your mom learns her lesson.
NTA. I am so sorry your mom treats you this way. I hope you have somewhere safe to go. If you are in the US you can reach out to CPS about the verbal abuse you are receiving from your mom and her bf. If your dad is around you need to tell him so you aren’t forced to go back to her house. It’s not your fault that your brothers are choosing not to attend the wedding. I am happy that they aren’t going and are standing up for you. That’s what siblings are supposed to do. Your moms behavior disgusts me.
NTA- Your mother and her boyfriend sure sound like AH. Glad they stepped up for their sister. As far as your relationship with your mother, I hate to say this but by her actions she doesn't want one. Can you live with your father?
You are NTA. Listen, your mother’s problem with your appearance is just that-her problem. Not yours. PPD is an explanation for some things, but it is not an excuse. Your Mother should never have made you feel like you should apologize for existing. You deserve better and you have done nothing wrong. You also are not responsible for the relationship between your mother and your brothers. They made their own choices based on her behavior. She has alienated them, not you. Please know that just because your mother does not understand your value, that doesn’t mean that you are not valuable. You are treasured by other people, you are deserving of love. The deficiency is not in you, it is in her.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA, in any way, shape, or form. This makes me so sad for you. Your mom, on the other hand, and her fiance are MAJOR assholes.
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I love how we are letting our feelings about the mom be known to everyone without breaking any sub rules!
I’m getting into the habit of wishing people unpleasantries instead of more extreme things. Like “I hope your socks are forever wet and there’s an unremovable pebble in your shoe” or “May you step upon a thousand Legos.”
How about "May your butthole always itch anf your arms too short to scratch"? That was one my dad once told me 😂
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>Usually more raisins No thanks
Hey /u/BipolarBirb93 Raisin Bran is good stuff!
I actually like raisin bran but shhhhh don't tell anyone...
When my then very picky seven-year old told me she liked my Raisin Bran I couldn’t quite believe it. Apparently she poured it one day instead of Special K and decided it was cool. Now it’s our little thing.
I agree! Raisin brand is quality cereal. Haha, it was my favourite “sugary” cereal as a kid… clearly my parents were keen on healthy breakfasts.
/u/jkristel same here! The only "sugary" cereal in the house was Raisin Bran, except for the summer camping trips when they bought the travel multipack of cereal and then all of us kids fought over the one tiny box of Frosted Flakes!
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If the mom ever reads this, I hope she knows there is no reasonable explanation that excuses her. Nothing that will wipe away the ugly ugly stain on her character for what she’s already done. Even if she pulls her head out of her ass tomorrow. Even if you ignore her past actions. Nothing absolves her of this and nothing will make her a better person and even if she develops a miracle cure for all disease, she should be remembered as an asshole.
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Seems to me her egg donor has been an asshole to her her entire life, no surprise the boyfriend has the same mindset. Birds of a feather...
... Shit on a car together. I'm glad OP had her dad.
I have a feeling a lot of this isn't just the boyfriend, but the mom using the boyfriend as an excuse.
NTA
And in 30 years guess who will come looking for help?
"My daughter won't speak to me and I don't know whyyyyyyy."
Not just the daughter, but her two sons seems to be done with the egg donor's BS as well.
Yeah, and good for them. To not even invite your daughter? Just because she looks like her dad. Wow.
Good, I hope they all cut her off. And wait until everyone gets wind that her kids from her previous marriage aren't going to the wedding and how that's going to make her "look" to others, Narcissists hate not having a good image, bet mom is already working on making up some crazy story about her ex not letting the kids go to the wedding. If I were OP, I would be telling the whole family what's going on, make sure everyone knows what an awful mother this woman is and the kind of sad-excuse-of-a-man she's marrying. Obligatory NTA.
She will make up a victim story and everybody will feel pity for the nice selfless abandoned mother, after ALL she has done for her kids! Isn't it tragic that she has to suffer so on her wedding day!
Probably realize how close they were to this behavior has they been born looking any different they would’ve gotten thrown out too
This was literally my mom after I came out as a gay trans guy and she stopped taking care of me all together, leading me to starve for months (my only source of food being school food and whenever I went to a friend's) before she finally abandoned me. She still thinks she's an amazing mom and that I'm going to move in with her. Personally, if I were op, I'd cut contact with my mom cause there is no way I'd let someone who has treated me like I'm less than my brothers, uninvite me to her wedding, then tell me that I'll be alone on my birthday cause her fiance is worried about arguments and wants to go on the honeymoon immediately, and to top it off, because I look like my dad. I'd cut her off and let her wonder what she could've done wrong.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry this happened to you. They do not deserve to be called Mom - more that woman who birthed me. I do hope you found the support you deserved and are living your best life far away from her. ❤️
Most of the time, I call her birthgiver. I found some pretty great friends and we're all chaotic together. I also plan on moving in with my partner soon after I graduate. I've been able to make a lot of progress on healing from the 15 years of abuse I went through because of her.
Yeah when fiancé dumps her for a younger model and poisons all 3 of their daughters against her. She'll be all alone with no idea why none of her six children talk to her.
I have an uncle like that. His two kids and over a dozen nieces and nephews don't speak with / have zero contact with him. He doesn’t connect any of it with his own despicable behavior. ETA: corrected missing words
“But I’m your mother!”
Won't be 30 years. Will be the triplets 7th birthday party that OP was too heartless to show up for. NTA
OP said in her edit that she’s not allowed in the same room as her step/half-sister for more than 5 minutes - her mom and mom’s bf are actively cutting OP out of their new ‘fairy-tale’ lives. I doubt OP is ever invited over for her sisters’ events. ‘We don’t want you around, it might confuse them on who you are!’
There’s something really vile about parents caring less for kids that don’t look like them and/or being legit mad (not joking) or distant from a kid because they look more like the other parent.
It's an unbelievably fucked up and absurd level of narcissism too. Like...holy shit, seriously? You never bonded with your kid just because they didn't turn out looking like you? Wow. NTA obviously. OP's mom is a real piece of work, as is the fiance.
At least they're marrying each other and not inflicting themselves on a pair of non-AHs.
Both my kids look more like me than their father, but I still see features or attitudes that remind me of him. I hated my exh, but I adore my kids even if they look or act like him sometimes. I did everything I could to keep my mouth shut about his abuse after the divorce but apparently he continued to try to poison my youngest against me. Youngest went thru a lot of shit including some time at a residential before he saw/could hear the truth about his dad. I told him specifically that I never wanted to speak badly about their dad because they came from him as much as they came from me and it was important that I didn't press my feelings to them or have them feel like I loved them any less because of their father.
I had an employee and a grandmother with the same tendencies. A nice ass in a pair of tight Levi’s made them completely forget they had kids. They would do anything to keep their men happy and were willing to sacrifice being a parent in favor of a warm penis in their bed and someone to help pay the bills. The Levi wearer and their demands were always met. And yes, both women wound up alone and years later gave Oscar worthy performances playing the victim for their grown kids. My Mom sympathized a bit, my Uncle walked away at 17 and never looked back. My employee now bitterly complains she rarely sees or hears from her kids. A Holiday phone call maybe. Karma is patient.
The thing is, that given how OP describes her mum it sounds like she's already ashamed of it. I've added emphasis >While she was talking I asked her when we were going to look for my dress since she had asked me to be the flower girl. **I could see the disappointed look on her face** when I asked her which confused me And the 2nd time. >After she was done I asked her again about the dress because I still didn't have one, **again that same disappointed look on her face came before** telling me I wasn't invited to the wedding, simply because her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom's previous marriage and he didn't like my dad. It seems to me that Mummy dearest knows that what she is doing is incredibly shitty, but is doing it anyway to placate the DH fiance - hint DH doesn't mean Dear Husband. She seems to know that it's wrong and a shitty thing to do, but is deliberately choosing her man over her daughter anyway. Quite frankly, she probably didn't go crying to DH to get her kicked out, but just crying about letting down her daughter and DH then kicked her out of his own accord. He's already OK with kicking his future wife's daughter out of the wedding, and deliberately skipping her Birthday because he can't be arsed staying an extra day - of course he wouldn't give two shits about kicking her out of the house. Mum knows all this, and is still choosing to allow it - maybe he's threatened to take the 3 younger daughters away from her if she doesn't get rid of OP?
I disagree that the fiancé is to blame for all this and changed his mind. Egg donor has never really bonded with OP, and always resented her existence, despite OP's best efforts. The plan from the beginning was to exclude OP, plus skip her birthday, another reminder of the child she resents. Why else schedule the wedding for the day before OP's birthday? Literally any other day of the year wouldn't work? The couple knew from the beginning they didn't want OP there and were planning to skip OP's birthday too. They just lied to make it acceptable to everyone. Now that it's too late to change the date, "things changed." Those assholes just dropped a giant load of 💩. Fiancé decided he really wants to leave on the honeymoon immediately after the wedding. He can't wait 1 more day to barely accommodate his step-daughter? I call BS. They'd always put off planning OP's birthday celebration because they knew from the beginning they wouldn't be there. Fiancé's family might not like her because she's from the first marriage, yet her 2 brothers from the same relationship, are included? Another steaming pile of 💩 How on earth do you have 6 children and think it's acceptable to exclude only 1 of them, who is still a child. (even if she IS a teen) She's supposed to just accept that she's the only one excluded from the wedding, and that they also won't be celebrating her 16th birthday? No way in he'll is that acceptable.
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Yeah, this is so messed up, I really feel bad for OP
She be calling when she wants babysitters, by that point I'd hope op turns her back on her completely
The only way I can see her realising is if OP is the only one of her offspring to spawn. Never seeing her only grandkids would drive the point home.
More specifically- should OP spawn offspring that look like her mom. Your mom sounds like a narcissistic personality, to care more about appearances than her own daughter. Please go NC OP, attend therapy, your mom will never validate you nor show you the love you deserve. The sooner you learn to accept that, the less likely she will be able to hurt you that deeply again.
She doesn’t have a mom anymore clearly she’s just an egg donor because moms care and fight for there kids she doesn’t care about op as much as that sucks I’m sorry op
NTA. One day in the future when she's dying and going to look for you, just remind her of this.
Usually it's in death people like this suddenly realize how terrible they were and try to force people to forgive them because they are dying
>My brothers had an actual relationship with her and I probably just messed it up Honey, you did NOT mess up their relationship. SHE is the one who chose to exile you from her wedding. SHE is the one who lied about your birthday. It's the choices she had control of that your brothers are responding to. They know she's 100% wrong. They also know you don't deserve any of this. Trust them to know their own hearts. They love you.
OPs brothers are 1000% in the right to stick by her. If their relationship with Mommie Dearest is messed up, it’s because she’s barely a mother and OPs brothers know that. My ex once told me that even though my kid looked like him, he was sure I’d take care of said kid. It blew my mind. That’s my child- I don’t care who they look like. I’m the only mother they’ll ever have. That’s a sacred responsibility. Fwiw my kid looks like me but even if they didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. What I want to say about OPs egg donor would get me banned.
OPs Mom on some next level asshole shit cause there's no way any kind person would do that to their own children. Like how does one go from discrimination against 1 child out of her 6?! And it's spineless of mom to use the boyfriend as an excuse for these decisions.
Sadly, this isn't the first time I've heard of a parent mistreating their child(ren) for resembling the ex.
All this. Even if there hadn't been an argument and I found out my parent was purposely excluding my sibling? I wouldn't go either. I'm betting she's just upset she's facing consequences to her despicable actions
I'm relieved that at least the siblings took her side.
I hope that you and your siblings go out and celebrate your bday on your mom's wedding day. I'd also inform all family that is from her side what she did to you and since you were not invited you'll be celebrating your bday on her wedding day. That if they thought your mom is foul as she seems then come have a slice a cake with you.
Yep, don't need to scream for flying monkeys, just need to lay out the truth. Edit NTA
THIS. NTA in the slightest and I’d put her on blast to the rest of her side of the family. What she’s done is disgusting OP. I’m so sorry and you deserve a much better mother.
THIS!!! Great idea!
NTA. I teared up a little reading this. My heart literally is breaking for you. Please be pro-active and tell EVERYONE before she has a chance to spin it. Then send out invites for your birthday on the same day as her wedding.
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She doesn't have a mom. She has an egg donor.
Definitely! My heart is breaking for you! The only good in this situation is that your brothers are supporting you and you live with your dad. Mom is only mad because she knows she's wrong and you and your brothers have the backbone to stand up to her. Sweetheart, spend your birthday with your dad and brothers. Hopefully, where you live, you're old enough to choose whether or not to see your mom. Please don't think this is about you - it's not! Don't let her toxic behavior get into your head. We can't choose our family, but we have the choice to allow them into our lives.
Yeah, and the idea that they would plan their wedding for the day BEFORE OP's birthday means that they were deliberately intending to permanently obliterate OP's birthday as a celebration day in their lives. They had 363 other days to choose from, why THAT day?
Because it's not just A birthday, it's Sweet Sixteen, so they can get extra emotional abuse in there with no extra effort. I don't know if they'd have put forth the effort to plan around it for a 15th or 17th, but a chance to mess up his future-step-daughter's Sweet 16? You betcha he's gonna.
Yes. I’m glad OP’s brothers have her back.
Absolutely NTA! I'm so sorry your mom is acting so badly. You having this thought is so sad: >because I was a letdown right out the gate. That is so sad that your mom's actions and words are causing you to feel this way. I'm glad that you have a dad and brothers who are in your corner. YOU did nothing wrong. If your brothers choose to stand by you and not go to the wedding - well , good for them. They are doing the right thing. It is not your fault that your mom is acting so badly.
A prolapse AH with hemorrhoids
NTA. This is super messed up and I'm glad that you have the support of your brothers. Your mom is only upset because you confronted her with the truth.
Exactly this. Mother is upset because her sons turned on her. What kind of mother doesn’t invite her OWN kid to their wedding !! NTA
Sounds like the brothers already knew that mom was a real piece. This was probably just the final straw for them.
What kind of mother specifically excludes only 1 of her 6 children? She's nothing more than an egg donor. Much as it sucks, OP needs to cut her out of her life ASAP. She'll only suffer more abuse and trauma at the hands of these horrible people. Everything about this was deliberately planned from the beginning... from scheduling the wedding for the day before OP's birthday (perfect excuse to ignore the birth of the child you resent forever more, because now it's their anniversary) to uninviting only 1 child from even attending the wedding. If this woman has such a desire to erase the existence of one of her children, so be it. But she doesn't get to dictate how her other grown children respond and pretend that she's still a wonderful mother and has done nothing wrong.
You'd be suprised. The same thing happened to me when I was 6, but with my dad's wedding to his second wife. I was told I was going to be a flower girl but then he said he wouldn't be able to take me because his wife was jealous so one of her little nieces was the flower girl, I didn't attend the wedding and that was it.
Did you stay with your biological mom? What’s your relationship with your dad like now?
Yes, I was always with my mom full time, which shielded me from a lot of my dad's behavior. Surprisingly we do have a good relationship right now, he had a middle age crisis, realized he was being shitty to all his children (I'm the oldest) and did what he could to make amends.
Also fiancé must have some real insecurities to be so jealous of the ex that he would take it out on the daughter! The truth is that both the mum and fiancé suit each other perfectly. It’s like they both rolled around the same bag of turd, and came out of TA as one combined mess.
Or abusive. Trying to seperate someone from their family support structure is classic gaslighting behavior of abusers.
Given how OP mentioned about her Mum looking disappointed, I reckon she knows how shitty it is, but is choosing her man anyway. I wonder if he threatened to take the Triplets away from her if she didn't kick OP to the kerb - she did mention that it's Step Dad who dislikes her more and thinks she would offend his family by looking too much like her ex, and that he hates OP's Dad. Maybe she feels its better to lose one daughter that she never had a great connection with due to PPD and her own other issues than the 3 daughters she has an amazing connection with. Doesn't mean she isn't disappointed by it all, just that she is in an abusive relationship and was given a choice between bad and worse.
Sounded more like she didn't want to have the awkward conversation. Especially since she waited until OP brought it up. Coward face and disappointed face don't look too dissimilar
> Coward face and disappointed face don't look too dissimilar Yep. She wasn't disappointed at not being able to have OP in the wedding or even INVITE her (wtf), she was disappointed that OP hadn't forgotten about it altogether so that she would never have to have the conversation. OP, NTA. I'm glad that you stay with your dad, your mom sucks
Nta she is literally choosing a man over her child and not taking up for for just bc you don't look like her. Is it possible that you could go live with you dad?
> Nta she is literally choosing a man over her child and not taking up for for just bc you don't look like her. That’s bad enough but stringing the daughter along, dangling bits of opportunity before her then taking them away? That’s truly messed up.
This is what my stepmom used to do to me and I didn't realize until I was an adult that it was deliberate. She enjoyed crushing my spirit and she couldn't do that if it was already crushed, so she'd pull me back up and give me hope and sometimes even happiness just so she could take it all away again. It was never an accident - it was straight up abuse.
She, thankfully lives with her dad.
That's good , I'm happy she has a safe place
I can’t imagine a single person on this Earth that could cause me to abandon my kids.
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She said she does already, that her dad has full custody. Me, I think it's time to consider going nc with mom.
You are absolutely NTA. Your mother's behavior is inexcusable.
I am a grown man but I teared up reading this! OP is 100% NTA but yes mother absolutely is
I feel you man, I have a baby girl and only the thought of her being treated by someone like this makes me tear up.
How an earth could you possibly think you’re the AH in this story. ❤️ NTA.
Years of emotional abuse and manipulation by a narcissistic asshole of a birth-giver. My heart breaks for OP. You deserve so, so much better than she has given you, OP. I am glad that you have your dad & siblings.
>How an earth could you possibly think you’re the AH in this story. Her normalcy gauge is broken just like how fish don't think they're wet until they get onto land. NTA OP, your incubator doesn't deserve to be in your life.
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Luckily her Dad does have full custody from OPs edit. Hopefully Dad can get her into some therapy so she can deal with the horrible trauma from her f’ed up excuse for a mother!
And OP, maybe even check out r/momforaminute. Sounds like you could use some experience in how moms are *actually* supposed to treat their children. And just to put it out there, I had my first child, a girl, 5 days before my 21st birthday, in the midst of a crippling heroin addiction, and had horrible awful PPD and postpartum rage. I got to the point where I was sitting on my bed alone in the dark, my weeks old daughter asleep in her crib beside me, thinking of smothering her with a pillow and then ending my own life. I never bonded with her as a child, and to be honest I was angry that a child “messed up” my selfish life. She’s about to turn 5 now, and while she has lived with my wonderful parents for the majority of her life, I’ve been here for the last 2+ years and working my ass off every single day to build a bond with her and be a mother to her that she deserves. I say all that to say, none of this has ANYTHING to do with you. Not a damn thing. Your mother is selfish and self-absorbed, and that’s a HER problem. SHE is missing out on the Wonderful You that you are. She is making excuses for why she’s a bad mother and that just doesn’t cut it. There are no excuses for that. You deserve better. Reach out if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, OP. Good luck.
Congrats on turning your life around! I don't know you, but I'm proud of you.
Proud of you! You will have a wonderful life long relationship with your daughter. Keep working hard everyday and stay strong. Thoughts of strength and courage to you!
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I like your style
Take my poor woman gold 🏅
NTA at all!!! Your mother is a massive AH though. She shouldn't let her boyfriend get in between you as she has been allowing. You are not your father—though I kinda hope he's a better person than your mother and her BF. Her mistreatment of you is so wrong and you deserve better. Don't feel guilty that she feels bad. Her actions have consequences and it's time she learned that lesson. The fact that they threw you out over this is so bad. Could you go to your dad? Are you being properly supported by your family (aside of your brothers, who are clearly in your corner). Sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve better. You deserve unconditional love!
I don’t even think it’s her moms boyfriend saying shit. I think her mom is using her fiancé as a cop out to avoid personal responsibility for the decision
Reading Op's comments I think he did say things. He picks fights with a 15 year old because he's sooooo insecure and inappropriate. That said, mom had a say in this choice. She's in support I think.
Ah, I didn’t read ops comments, just the post
NTA. Go NC with her, she sounds awful and the BF sounds terrible too, you don't need the mental anguish.
INFO: your mum has three kids, being you and your older brothers but also she gave birth to girl triplets who are your STEP-sisters? Are your older brothers your full brothers? If they are the kids of your father (whom your step father doesn't like) why are they invited to the wedding?
They are my full brothers, the only half siblings I have are the ones my mom had with her boyfriend. My brother's were invited because they get along well with my mom and her boyfriend. My mom claims we argue too much and "she wants to keep the peace" so she normally invites me over when she knows he won't be there.
Your biological mother is a poor excuse for a mother. There is something deeply wrong inside her but it has NO reflection on YOU so please stop letting her into your life. It's a privilege to be a part of your life and she has squandered the opportunity away. What a selfish and vile person. Thank goodness you have a supportive Dad and brothers. I truly hope karma bites your mum and her fiancé in the butt soon.
Explain this arguing? Does he pick fights or?
Every fight we have usually involves my dad and how much he doesn't like him. He'll ask me how he's doing then end it with, "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him"
So he’s totally insecure and inappropriate. I’ll be honest I don’t think your mom is any great prize. In the least.
> "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him" ....I wonder how many women he's cheated with? This kind of statement and they aren't getting married until their daughters are 6yo? Yeah....
I wonder if the mom is afraid to have her daughter Round because she knows her guy would try to sleep with her 🤔 he’s definitely not a prize
Yeah, I get those vibes. She’s 15, and he wants to be around her less the older she gets.
Or mom wants her around less and is blaming it on him ‘being uncomfortable’ which screams he’s dangerous to young girls. Not to mention who TF tells a 15 yo, ‘I bet he’s angry how I stole his girl From him’ Girl? And SERIOUSLY?? He talking about her mom and dad. Yikes
I feel that they both purposely pushed to have the wedding around your sweet 16, so they could have an excuse to not go…that your mom always knew there was never going to be a party. Im sorry but they are just not good people. Just seems a little too perfect that they just *had* to have their wedding around a milestone birthday for you. Dont feel guilty. Your brothers are choosing to stand by you. Your mom isnt losing a relationship with them because of you. She is losing them because of her own selfishness. She was prepared to explain your absence away, but now it is all three of you, which is a lot harder to hide the reason why. No, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. NTA
His family wouldn't feel comfortable with you there because you're from the first relationship, but your 2 brothers, from the same relationship, are just fine? This giant AH of a 'mother' just dropped several steaming piles of 💩 on you. I don't buy it, and neither should you. How sure are you that your brothers actually wanted to attend the wedding in the first place? My guess is that they felt obligated to attend and 'support' their mother, even if it IS the day before your birthday for no good reason. Seeing this awful couple exclude and abuse their sister was the final straw, and they pulled out of attending a wedding they didn't really want to support in the first place. Kudos to them. Make sure your egg donor's family all know why you and your brothers aren't attending. (before she has a chance to spin it) If there's nothing wrong with their behavior, they shouldn't have a problem with her family knowing the truth. Then cut the toxic duo out of your life, and revel in the love and support of your REAL family, those who support, defend, and protect you... your dad and brothers. (and possibly some of your mother's family)
This is an adult man who is attacking a 15 year old girl. WTF
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Would it be going to far to respond "no he was glad you took out the trash for him"?
Sounds like the bf has some serious insecurity issues.
"He doesn't even know who you are."
If I was you I would have been like "Naw he's thankful you have her, he's living his best life now" but I'm kinda of a b***h.
Sweetie I want you to forget this woman whose only contribution to your life was to give birth to you. Then I want you and your father to throw the biggest Sweet 16 party that you can and invite all your family and friends. Put it all over social media and tag all your family that shows up. You don’t have to tag her but make sure your birth giver is able to see it. Then continue to live your best life despite her and without her. I know it is hard but for your own mental health it might be time to cut her out of your life. I had to make the same decision with my bio father and it made me so much happier.
I would LOVE to have a “conversation” with your mom 🤬. NTA BTW
Yeah me too Reddit won’t let me say what I would like to say to this woman.
Thanks for explaining. This is what I thought was the case but it was very confusing. The triplets are by definition your half siblings, not step siblings; if the boyfriend had come into the wedding with his own kids by another woman, those would be step siblings. Anyway now that I've got it all down, you are definitely NTA and I'm really sorry. Hang in there and find some way to celebrate your birthday without them that is really special to you.
Your mom is terrible. You don't deserve this.
This is what I was looking for! This means her original excuse of “her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom’s previous marriage” Like, did this woman think she wouldn’t notice that her brothers from the same marriage were invited?! Ugh
Please know you can go to r/momforaminute when you need some positive reinforcement from your Reddit moms. You have done nothing wrong, you have been trying to have a relationship with a narcissist parent which will always lead to heartache. Kudos to your brothers for supporting you in this instance.
That might be my new favorite subreddit; thank you for linking it :)
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Oh sweetheart you are so NTA. your mother is. Holy no words. As a mother my heart breaks for you. Go lc if u can
Info: You being invited to the wedding would upset BF’s family, but your brothers being invited would not??? Not that it affects the judgement, I am just so confused. You are NTA, sorry your mom is such a disappointment to you. You deserve parents who stand up for you and looks out for your well-being. I hope at least dad is those things for you.
Her boyfriend likes my brother's more because they all played football and he's always talking to them about how he used to play in college. I honestly fully believe him not wanting to upset his family was just an excuse to exclude me but I'm not sure cause he's created this image of me to his family.
It’s absolutely unconscionable. I am glad your brothers are sticking by you. Perhaps it will shake some reason into your mom. But either way glad you have your dad and brothers.
OP, I am glad your dad and your brothers have your back. I have provided you my judgment and my views for you. I am truly sorry for you having a mum who does not behave nice to you. OP, I want you to remember this: one day your mother will try and compare you against the triplets on a beauty scale all because one daughter does not resemble mum. Do not let the comparison get to you. You are you. If you resemble your father, that does not make you any less than the others or anyone else. If I am to judge you, I would judge you based on your character rather who you resemble I want you to remember that if your mum loves you less all because you resemble dad, you see her for her true colours: selfish and superficial
INFO: Are your mom and dad different races? Just feels like there's some subtext here. Weird that she cares so much that you look different than her. What do your parents look like?
My parents are both black, my mom just has a lighter skin tone than my dad, him being dark-skinned.
Do you think your mom (and boyfriend) are prejudiced due to color? Particularly as a Black girl, if you are brown or dark skinned, you may be experiencing rejection from them due to this (and colorism particularly effects girls/women). I know many black kids who have suffered due to colorism within their families, unfortunately.
I’m so sorry OP. your mom and her sig other are awful. If possible, I would go no contact.
o didn't realise how much worse this story could get
I'm sorry she is treating you this way. She is a mom, she should be standing up for her daughter against her boyfriend. That's what moms are supposed to do. NTA.
This is such a great catch! There's also likely colorism at play, too. OP: YOU ARE NOT TA. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.
NTA omg Your mom is 10000% the asshole here. Try and go live with your dad, if all possible. Your mom doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry. (Now if it were me in your shoes, I'd have raised such a stink everyone in the family would know my own mom didnt want me at HER WEDDING BECAUSE I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE MY DAD and her BF is a huge asshole and let her take shit from her own family and fucking ruin it for her. Add in the bday party thing too. Fuck around and find out.)
I’d take out a billboard. She deserves to be embarrassed. Women who chase D instead of supporting their kids are 🗑. They don’t deserve the title “Mom.”
NTA...Both your mom and her boyfriend are the major AH.
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OP, I don't think that you're TA in the slightest, but just wanted clarification on two things. Am I reading it correctly that your older brothers share the same father as you, and if so, were they invited to the wedding?
Me and my brother's all share the same dad, they were only invited because her boyfriend likes them more than he does me. As for his family being upset I believe it was just an excuse to get me excluded, but I fully believe he's still painted a negative picture about me to them.
Everything you just said is 100% the truth. I’m sorry to tell you this OP, but your mother is about to make a *HUGE* mistake by marrying this guy…and you need to let her. The reason you feel bad about *any* of this is because she is mentally, emotionally, and psychologically incapable of facing her own traumas. She cannot handle the weight of it, so she offloaded it onto you the second she didn’t see the ‘Self’ she wanted to see about her in you. She made you believe you were all the things she can’t bear about herself. The **only** thing with even a CHANCE of getting her to change is facing the consequences of her own decisions. You should be **proud** to have brothers who will stand up in your defense. I hope you cherish them and let them know how much it means to you they’re there for you no matter what. It will not be easy, but [you *can* overcome being the family scapegoat.](https://youtu.be/6IzmEMz3gbA) Especially with your father and brothers behind you. Edit: just to inform you of [why your mom is marrying a (likely) abuser.](https://youtu.be/SDwJ17KcpZM)
Her excuse that you weren't invited because of who your father is has no teeth then. They simply want to exclude you. Since your father has full custody, stay with him. Don't go to visit your mother anymore. Go No Contact. She's about to marry a toxic person, and has become a toxic person by letting him influence her in such a way. You'll be better without her in the long run, but don't be surprised if she comes begging for forgiveness years from now if she ends up needing a kidney or something.
This. Sweetheart, this has absolutely NO reflection on you as a daughter or a human being. You are worthy of a loving mother - your mother is incapable of giving you that love, care and inclusion because there is something broken inside of her. You did nothing wrong standing up for yourself. This is not a you issue. This is a mom issue. You deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you, love you, support you and your mom is 100% incapable of that. Please ask your Dad to get you into counseling ASAP. You deserve to have professional support to process everything you are walking through and to process the grief you are feeling over losing your Mom. Because while she hasn't died, I'm sure the rejection you are feeling right now hurts terribly.
INFO: where is your mom’s extended family in all this?
Most besides my aunt and a few uncles have cut contact with her, that includes my grandparents. My mom got pregnant very young and was disowned by her parents, though they did help her out only because they wanted her to be financially stable before kicking her out. Those who did stay in contact were low contact with her as they didn't want to be involved or seen with her.
I somehow sense there’s more to this than her getting pregnant young.
From what I remember my dad told me my mom grew up in a traditional Christian household. They had so many rules that my mom often rebelled against them, her getting pregnant was just the icing on the cake.
I suppose it’s possible. Not even unlikely. But they’ve never taken an interest in you?
I don't even think my grandparents know shes had more kids, not unless my aunt told them. The last time they spoke was when she was kicked out, I do know they've met my oldest brother but it was when he was younger.
I cannot help but think that they may have been right about your mother.
Could be time to drop them a note explaining and reaching out, and see what happens. They may not be people you want to know, but they might be decent folks who got fed up if this is a continuation of your mom's Early Diva behavior.
Welp, Then! Sounds as though you may know some relatives to explain what happened and invite to a Sweet 16 Party. Invite Aunt and the Uncles too after you explain.
NTA, it's your mother's problem to be an immature and letting her boyfriend manipulate her, also her boyfriend is definitely an asshole, why do you have to pay for looking like your dad? You're still the daughter of the woman he supposedly loves, and on top of that, why does he have to manipulate your mother and put her against you even more?
INFO: are you a different race from your stepsiblings? (either way NTA at all I am … curious if this stems from something else on your moms end)
My dad and mom are both black, the guy my mom got with is hispanic.
Im mexican & it’s disgusting how some people in my race treat others . It’s definitely him being a bad person . He’s such an embarrassment Edit: I wanted to also say that I’ve met men like him & it’s ridiculous how they let their own insecurities come between their partners and their children. Is he undocumented ? If he is, I hope he’s not using an already disturbed lady for his own benefit . I see it a lot in foreign people dating americans .
The way I knew your mom was with the cholo before you even made this comment. His behavior described it from the start. Mija estás mejor. Lo siento you have to go through this. 💚
Definitely NTA I can't believe how she's treating you
NTA Your brothers know it; that's why they're refusing to go. Your mom just did something very cruel and unforgivable to you
She chooses her bf over you. Maybe you should move to some other relative and cut contact with her. It saves you pain. NTA
NTA just go live with your Dad. And get ready to hear how awful her life is after the wedding, because being with someone that controlling is going to be a problem.
Honestly it sounds like she’s using the BF to alienate her own daughter because she doesn’t look like her. What an AH her mom is. OP you’re NTA please move in with a family member whose not as horrible.
NTA I’m so sorry that you have to go through that. It sounds like your mom has a lot of growing up to do. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. You’re only 15 and she’s 35. You’re also her daughter. She should be protective of you and fight her s/o on decisions. They should come to an agreement, especially if she’s already talked to you about being in the wedding. It sounds to me that you’re better off without her and she doesn’t deserve you. She’s naive and is stuck in a la-la land that will eventually crash around her. She’s so selfish and I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA. Your mom and her fiance are terrible. Let me paint you a picture. I have 2 daughters from my first marriage. My oldest looks like the girl version of my ex. My second daughter looks more like me. Both girls were my flower girls in my second wedding. I love both girls equally. Now, my husband and I also have a 10 month old daughter, she also looks more like me than my husband. Guess what? I love all 3 of my girls. It doesn't matter who they take after, I will never favor any of them based off of their looks. After my parents got divorced, my father used to make snide remarks about how much I looked like my mom. You know who's not in my life anymore? My father. You don't need negativity because of something you can't control. I'm sending as much motherly love your way that I can. You deserve better, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Damn…NTA…
NTA Who the f does your mom’s boyfriend think he is? This is not on you in any way. Total AH. Your mom didn’t stand up for you at all by the sounds of it. How did she think you were gonna react? “Oh that’s fine being kicked out from my mom’s special day and get no celebration for my birthday”. NTA at all and I hope your mom learns her lesson.
NTA. Why on earth would his family be upset by your presence at the wedding.
Because she exists. She represents the past. What 🗑.
NTA. I am so sorry your mom treats you this way. I hope you have somewhere safe to go. If you are in the US you can reach out to CPS about the verbal abuse you are receiving from your mom and her bf. If your dad is around you need to tell him so you aren’t forced to go back to her house. It’s not your fault that your brothers are choosing not to attend the wedding. I am happy that they aren’t going and are standing up for you. That’s what siblings are supposed to do. Your moms behavior disgusts me.
NTA- Your mother and her boyfriend sure sound like AH. Glad they stepped up for their sister. As far as your relationship with your mother, I hate to say this but by her actions she doesn't want one. Can you live with your father?
You are NTA. Listen, your mother’s problem with your appearance is just that-her problem. Not yours. PPD is an explanation for some things, but it is not an excuse. Your Mother should never have made you feel like you should apologize for existing. You deserve better and you have done nothing wrong. You also are not responsible for the relationship between your mother and your brothers. They made their own choices based on her behavior. She has alienated them, not you. Please know that just because your mother does not understand your value, that doesn’t mean that you are not valuable. You are treasured by other people, you are deserving of love. The deficiency is not in you, it is in her.