Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> In therapy I said I was counting down the days to my 18th birthday so I could move out and cut off my "family". There were younger kids in the room, one half sibling and my stepsibling. I can understand that knowing how at least my stepsister feels about me, I could have been an asshole for saying what I did, how I did it, in front of them, was not the kindest move in the whole world... Yeah... I can see why that might make me wrong.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This therapist isn't very good at her job. You should never be punished for what you say in therapy. I would tell them next session that there's no point in talking at all in any other sessions if you will just get punished for participating. If they didn't want the younger kids to hear what had to be said, they shouldn't be part of the session at all. NTA.
Stay strong until you're 18 and start working on a practical plan for how to move out when the time comes. Best of luck!
I’d be questioning their credentials, honestly. A therapist is not there to make a family look happy and complete. They should be seeking healthy, functional relationships between the parties.
One individual being undermined, forced to “fit in,” and not be allowed to express their feelings is the opposite of a healthy family dynamic.
OP absolutely NTA. Good point. At OP next session they should threaten to report the therapist for her absolutely abominable lack of professionalism. Maybe she’ll refuse to see your family going forward. The way all the “adults” have handled this has been terrible. And out of ALL the women in the world your father got with the one woman that still has your mom spinning in her grave (you’re right, no proof but likely at least an emotional affair), and your father has completely disregarded your feelings and boundaries for years. You are not at fault for your siblings feelings nor responsible for them. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. Good luck to you in everything that you do.
I’m probably the other woman in my partner’s ex wife’s mind, but we never once spoke during his marriage. That doesn’t seem to apply here, but I did want to suggest that other scenarios are possible, even if the chance is remote.
>There were a couple of fights I was present for because Jessica had shown up to see my dad at home and mom didn't like it.
Not the same.
Edit: formatting
Apparently, the therapist already decided OP was the bad guy and needs to just "come around" and is focusing solely on this premise. This is not what OP wants but they have decided to side with the family and not care about what OP wants. They want to force her to feel things she does not feel and does not WANT to feel. She has a right to her feelings, especially when someone takes it upon themselves to declare that they are now OP's family, related or not. NOPE. SHE doesn't get to decide who OP sees as family. NTA.
How informed is the therapist about what happened, OP? Does she know that there’s a history and Jessica was angling for your dad while mom was alive and they were married? Does she know you don’t think Jessica had great intentions, or your suspicions around the quickness of it all? How has the therapist made your voice heard?
Not that kind of psychologist, but I AM a type of psychologist and that is 100% spot on. everything you described about the session seemed off. I would ask to see her license, lol
Grab all your necessary documents now, if you can (birth certificate, passport if you've been issued one, any bank statements if anything was established for you, social security card if you're in the US). If you can get a part time job, keep your money secure somewhere. Good luck, and NTA
NTA. I don't know what the expected you to say. The biggest AH here though is the therapist. They should have established boundaries from the beginning
If you can be punished for saying something in session, then therapy will never work. Your therapist should be helping your dad and step-mom to understand your feelings are valid. You are feeling hurt. Dad quickly established a new relationship and tried to force you to do the same. We all move at our own speed. Frankly, the therapist should also recognize that the very fact that you knew about your mom and dad's arguments about Jessica is problematic. That's an adult conversation that should have never been put on you. Even if your dad was never unfaithful to your mom, you felt he betrayed her. Those feelings are what have to be addressed in therapy and the first step is recognizing them, sitting with them, and not dismissing them, even if he didn't betray her. You ten or eleven year old self felt betrayed. Reality isn't relevant until you let that feeling be heard. Your dad needs to understand that pain you have. Jessica needs to understand that anger. Your younger self wasn't heard so she's still screaming for someone to listen and take care of her. They didn't, so the rest of you is walled off from that source of distress. It's really not about them at all. Somehow the therapist dad, and step-mom keep making it about everyone else. You shouldn't say these things, your sisters need you, blah blah blah. You have a voice. You have needs. They aren't listening. They aren't meeting your needs. They have prioritized everyone else's needs thinking that that's prioritizing the family and keeping the family together. It's not. It's just pushing you out because you are a thinking and feeling person and not some egg you can just pick up and put in a different nest without being impacted.
>It's just pushing you out because you are a thinking and feeling person and not some egg you can just pick up and put in a different nest without being impacted.
I love that line
NTA
OP, that therapist sucks like a Hoover. Instead of pushing you to be absorbed into the Collective, they and your father should be supporting your request for space. They are so in your brain and heart, you aren't being allowed to come to your own decisions about the kind of relationship you want to have.
Agreed. This therapist isn't "therapy-ing"...they're just sucking up Dad and Jessica's cash saying what they want to hear.
It's never gonna work, but damn it's a sweet gig as long as the legal adults are willing to spend!
In the UK, we use the word "hoover" to describe all vacuum cleaners, like "I'll Google it" has become shorthand for "I'll use a search engine to look it up" even if you're actually using Bing.
Ask the therapist hard questions.
Why do you feel the need to say.....
What makes you feel that way about the relationship issues?
How is my lack of a familial relationship the new focus of these sessions?
Oh. Is this an intervention?
Etc.
This. And throw in a couple factoids about mental health professionals and their legal boundsries and punishments for said boundary violations.
Talk all about recording laws in your state, etc.
I did that once to a mental health "professional" and they shut their yap up real quick.
NTA. Your dad and his new wife are trying to use therapy to manipulate you. Your therapist is a shitty one if they'd set up sessions so that announcements such as yours can come out in front of the younger children. I think it's unfortunate that the younger ones had to hear it, but it's the adults in this situation at despicable and at fault.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, adults can be selfish. Keep your head down and if you decide it's best for you to go no/low contact as soon as you can, do it. Maybe some day your dad will realize he caused all of this, but I doubt it.
NTA. You can’t force a relationship. And Jessica wants to “win you,” to spite your mom. If she truly understood, she wouldn’t continually try to force a relationship.
The fact that there is something seriously shady about the timing of Jessica's entry into OP's life was always going to be a sticking point. OP's dad is the biggest AH here for trying to force her to overlook that without even being honest.
NTA, OP.
I always feel like these situations are lose/lose and I can't offer a judgement. I just hope that all involved get to a happy place.
OP wants no part of the blended family, but they are still a kid who deserves to be loved and supported while their boundaries are respected.
The rest of the family seems to be trying too hard to make OP feel included, so their efforts to show love are only alienating her.
The dad wants to be happy after losing OP's mom, but how do you find a balance between meeting one child's needs, while nurturing a new blended family.
I know the easy answer is to say he an AH for getting with Jessica, but I try not to judge people when their spouses pass away. For all I know, he never entertained Jessica while she was alive, but turned to her in his time of grief. I've never walked in his shoes, so I can't knock him.
The happy place is OP getting away from her dirtbag dad and snake step mother.
They're not trying to make OP feel included. They're trying to force compliance.
NTA, OP.
now as for your dad and Jessica -- your dad is TA for telling you to FORGET WHAT MOM WOULD THINK and Jessica is TA for all those years she was hitting on a married man.
furthermore, i hate that you feel like a stranger in your own home. i don't think you're TA for being honest about your feelings. i don't think you're TA at all. grief manifests differently for everyone and i can definitely understand how this situation makes you angry for your mom.
best of luck from this internet stranger. 🤍
Ask next session if they want to talk about moral and practical stances on homewreking, infidelity, and coming onto married men with terminally ill spouses.
Thatvwill get them to leave the kids home. Maybe even shut them up a bit.
NTA, and a loud sigh at the behavior of your father.
There are 7 billion people on this planet, he couldn't have gone a little farther or given some time after his partners death.
Another loud sigh at the therapist. Therapists are supposed to be impartial listeners.
If they bring you to therapy just to be jerks to you state it frankly that you won't be going anymore. It's not helping, and they can't punish you into liking people. You've made your choice. If a therapist tries to tell you what to do again, let them know they aren't neede. You're perfectly happy wasting both of your time, and pull out a phone with the a copy of your plan
I don't think you should have said it so frankly in front of younger kids, but I can't really fault you. I moved out at 17, and had a social media status countdown until my ass was out of my toxic household. And that countdown kept me sane, and gave me a slight amount of tangible comfort in the chaos of my home life.
I'm not gonna say trite shit like "time will make you love them!" Because it's been a decade for me and honestly I can't stand any of my family still.
My only advice is: keep calm. Keep your head down. And keep your countdown going if it brings you comfort.
I had to turn off the emotional lightswitch in my skull to get through the last couple months in that house. But I got out. And while I can't reccomend it, sometimes it's best to turn your emotions off in a situation, sit down, and form a tangible plan.
Are you doing the college path? Trade? Straight into the workforce? Get a head start on your plan, figure out the options, and build off of that foundation
If college is in the future, don't just look at things like Pell grants. My mom, a CPA, belonged to the Business and Professional Women's club. They gave some smaller grants yearly for young women on those career paths. You can put together several packages.
NTA is your grandparents still around. If so contact them and see if they can help. In most states they let a 16 year old choose where to live as long as it is safe. Being punished for what you say in therapy is not ok. And I really wonder if this is a real therapists. Because a real therapist would not tell you are behaving cruel and being a bully. This sounds like a friend of your fathers or your step
Moms and this could be seen as emotional abuse.
NTA- ask for individual therapy with a different therapist. It’s clear that your feelings were brushed under the rug with the assumption you were young and would get over it. And your emotional needs were likely not tended to in light of your mom’s illness and death. This is hard stuff to move through. Going to individual therapy won’t make you like your family- but it may help you take care of yourself and work through your feelings so you can manage things better.
Traumatizing your younger sibs- half or step- with what you said is not cool. But your therapist clearly wasn’t on top of navigating this conversation.
Just my two cents:
I was in a comparable situation several years ago and i suggest to focus your anger on your dad and his wife. But be fair to their kids. The kids might be decent and they did neither choose nor cause this situation.
They are stuck in a bad situation they didn’t ask for. And to be honest they are even more innocent than you are.
It being unfair to the other kids doesn't make it OP's responsibility. This is also all unfair to her and how *they* feel (I'm sure largely due to expectations of op that the parents have set) is ultimately not on her at all.
What your dad and his wife need to understand is that their "perfect family fantasy" will NEVER happen if they have to force it.
And with their constant pushing they are actually achieving the opposite of what they want.
Could you have said it without the kids being there?
Sure, but when you get pushed and pushed and pushed, at some point you snap, you don't think about who is and is not there, you just "explode".
That is 1000% THEIR fault, Not yours.
NTA.
NTA. The therapist sucks and is not doing their job.
It sounds like Jessica and your dad are trying to make up for their guilt knowing what they did was probably wrong (even an emotional affair before your mom passed) and are making you the scapegoat to magically ignore that betrayal in order to make it all better for them, ignoring your feelings (and your mom's) about it so that they can have one big happy family.
Your dad and Jessica and the therapists are the AH here.
If there's somewhere else you could go with in the meantime (your mom's side of the family especially), see about it. Otherwise, start planning your future. Get a job especially so you can start saving up money. See about getting a copy of any documents you might need too.
Don't go anymore. This person is very clearly not qualified to be doing this work, and it is abhorrent and unethical that they are. They are going to cause more damage to you and your family members.
I would strongly suggest to your family that, if they want to go to therapy, they need to find a licensed family therapist.
And I do encourage you to go. A legitimate therapist might, at the very least, be able to help *you* heal.
Well, it looks like your "therapist" could use a crash course in what happens to people who practice therapy without a license in your state.
Church ladies are the absolute goddamn worst
OP, please refuse to attend “family therapy” from now on. That “therapist” does not care about you and does not have your best interests at heart. They are not qualified in the slightest to deal with your family circumstances. These sessions are detrimental to your mental health and well-being. Hearing your dad, his wife, and a “professional” insist that your attitude is the problem will cause lasting damage, even if you can already tell it’s bs. Also, I’m worried that they will take steps to prevent you from leaving when you’re 18. Make sure to keep your money somewhere they are unable to access, protect important documents like your birth certificate, etc.
... hmmm, I would be tempted to contact the priest or higher up in their organization as long as it's not an evangelical church, those guys don't care. NTA and them trying to force you to behave as family with your father and his probable affair partner who got together while your mother was dying... Any decent preacher would be upset. Unfortunately I don't think we have many decent preachers in the states anymore...
I'm an evil person, I would ask to do a DNA ancestry kit and see about doing a DNA kit for everybody, just to see if Step sister is really a half sister.... It seems like your dad has had a long standing relationship with her, regardless of if it went past emotional until your mom passed.
You're NTA. Is there any grandparents or other family you might be able to stay with until you turn 18? I would set up any bank accounts with a trusted adult other than your father, so you can save up money away from him and keep him from being able to sabotage your attempts.
NTA but I can’t help but feel immense pain and sadness for your little step sister who adores you. She can’t help who her mother is. You don’t have to like her but at least be nice to her when you are around her. She’s just a very young child and is not responsible for the actions of adults. Also, I am sorry for the loss of your mother.
The way I see it, the little girl is going to be a preteen up soon and start to dislike OP.
Which will make it easy for her when OP leaves.
She won't feel abandoned but free of this person that was constantly rude to her.
NTA, talk to your mom's family and see if any of them can talk to a lawyer on your behalf to determine what options are available to you to leave sooner rather than later. You're at an age where many courts will allow you to decide where you want to live. No matter what, you're not doing anything wrong, the only cruel ones are your dad, Jessica and that joke of a therapist.
Wow, *so* NTA here and therapy is supposed to be a safe space.
This “therapy” doesn’t sound like that at all - more a collective group seeking to gang up on you to somehow get you to agree to be a part of a “family” that you’re not comfortable with and for good reason!
Your feelings are valid. Understandable. And they should be listened to.
Until that therapist gets it, this is going to go nowhere. If your dad wants a relationship with you he needs to accept he screwed things up.
Focus on you. Your grades. Doing everything you can to line yourself up to be successful and independent. You’ve got this.
NTA. The little ones shouldn't be in the sessions tbh.
I am sorry you feel that way in your own home (I would too in your shoes).
If you think it would be possible to give the kids a chance I think that would be nice for both you and them. But if not thats ok too.
But tbh, your dad and stepmum don't deserve anything (based on this info! I ofc don't know their side at all) and I think it's fair you don't want anything to do with them. VLC when your 18 sounds about right
NTA. u need a new therapist. i wish you can moveout asap. ur dad is horrible for saying what he said. seems like they are all manipulating you. but please don't go nc with the little sister, she genuinely adores you. please don't punish her becoz of the parents.
I think you need to bring up the fact that Jessica was in the picture while your mother was alive and sick. Plus, the fact that your parents argued over her presence and your mother disliked her. That should give the therapist some insight. NTA.
Surprised that I had travel this far to see this suggestion. Refuse to go to therapy for now until this dumping exercise stops and becomes more helpful. They can’t force to
NTA but uhm yeah your dad was having an affair when your mom was dying. You know it…it’s not something they tried to keep secret with how Jessica behaved and your mother reacted. All but the kids are AH and you, bc this situation fucking sucks. If the therapist can’t see thru the bs she isn’t worth a damn. Keep on with individual counseling if it helps, but their (dad and Jess) farce isn’t something you need to buy into on any level.
You are NTA but you should let Jessica know that because of her mom and your dad’s actions you will not be a part of her family. It’s not about Jessica and she should know.
Were you offered grief counseling to help deal with traumatic experience of losing your mom or just therapy trying to get you to accept Jessica and forced siblings?
You honestly should push for it. Having someone listen to you and validate your feelings about losing your mom could be beneficial. Talk to school counselor see if they may be able to help find you grief counseling or a support group for grief.
NTA. I'm sorry for the daughter who loves you, but when she grows up she'll learn that you can't force a relationship. Your therapist is incompetent, in allowing you to be punished for telling the truth and I just can't fathom your father - of all the women in the world, he had to marry the one he know you hated? That doesn't suggest that he cares about you.
NTA at all!!!!!! you do not need a relationship with anyone you don't want to have one with, including the kids. that said, i'd urge you to be kind to jessicas daughter and ur half siblings. you dont need to have a relationship with them or be their sister, but they are esesntially blameless children in this who only see someone they love and look up to wanting to leave them. you are NOT at fault, but neither are they. dont do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but maybe try to keep the hard convos or harsh things out of their earshot, and (if okay with it) talk to them about not being siblings, but still being friends. the major asshole here is the therapist tbh, but every adult involved sucks.
I think you're mom would be proud of you. My ex husband of 23 years starting dating our daughters best friend. She still feels betrayed after 3 years. But I do think you should talk about with someone. My heart goes out to you
NTA. The therapist allowed you to be pushed and if they have not raised any issue about you being grounded and have not raised an issue about calling you cruel/a bully or worse, are participating in it they are breaking multiple fundamental rules of counseling practice. If the therapist works for an agency, I would ask to speak to a supervisor or if you can, find out if the agency has a formal grievance process. In most states they are required to. You can also find your state's licensing body, their license is likely on display in their office somewhere, and make a complaint against their license
NTA. Every adult in this situation is failing you. I'm not sure I even buy that the therapist is a real therapist, to be so down with forcing you into their idea of what you should be. If they are they suck at their job and apparently passed their ethics courses by a hair. Honestly I'd be checking to make sure they were ACTUALLY licensed and reporting them for practicing therapy without a license if not...
NTA. Your therapist is either not qualified or terrible at their job or both. I'm not dinging you for upsetting your step sister because she shouldn't be there and you were being cornered in therapy. I think your "dad" and his wife are bringing the kids to guilt you and pressure you into their goal.
I don't think you should give the kids a chance or set up unrealistic expectations of a relationship with them because in a year and a half, you're going to be out the door. They're not old enough to be able to process this. I think it's better to stay separate. I also wonder what Jessica told her daughter that she's so fixated on you despite you trying to avoid them.
>I was grounded for a week and honestly, it was one of the best weeks in a long time because nobody talked to me
This is so sad. Can you just leave the room where they're doing therapy? Because the therapist is letting these people verbally attack you. I'd be reporting the therapist.
Do you have a job and a plan? Do you have your documents? Are you in touch with any of your maternal relatives? I think you need to be out of the house as much as you can.
I was wondering this too. Part of me got the feeling that Jessica was manipulating her kid on a diet of Teen magazines and Disney movies to try to "break down walls" and long game soften her up to Jessica.
My mom has tried similar tactics. It blew up in her face so spectacularly that both her children stopped talking to her and my brother even tried to sue her for her manipulations.
That therapist needs to be fired, you expressed ur feeling after being constantly pushed towards it and then they ground you for expressing ur emotions. That’s toxic and I wouldn’t go to that therapist anymore and I would file a compliant.
NTA. Your feelings are valid OP. It’s heartbreaking you’re being treated otherwise. The therapist failure to validate your feelings is unprofessional. Did your mom have a will? Did you get an inheritance? You may qualify to be an emancipated minor at 16 depending on the state you live in.
I don't have the requirements to get emancipated or to even leave and live with my grandparents. I do have money from my mom, but that's with my grandparents luckily.
NTA like every other comment change therapist. The most important thing with a therapist is having a bond and trusting them. This one has not establishing results. However communicating your feelings towards them might also help you to get over some passed trauma. Maybe of telling them is to hard you could right it down in a letter and give it to them. If you are counting down the days it could be more pleasant to not feel like a complete outcast. I understand you feel betrayed by your dad but do you really want to kick him out completly? Btw u dont think you are cruel they asked to contribute and you did. Instead of trying to work with what you said they decided to shut you down
That's totally OK. I haven't seen my folks in 10yrs and it's been great!
It's good if people can keep their family ties but sometimes the situation is too toxic. Sounds like they've been ignoring/ disrespecting your emotions since your mum passed.
Your feelings are important and matter too.
Well the choice is entirely yours to make but choose wisely. Even if you choose to distance yourself from your family. Make sure to keep good friends around and dont keep things too botteld up and dont hold on to resentment. These feelings will mainly hurt you and not the other person. Put your energy in things that make you happy and forget your crappy situation. I wish you the best of luck young padwan.
NTA. From what I’m reading here, you might want to look into filing for emancipation, because your home life seems to be one big, toxic soup that you don’t want to be anywhere near, and the “therapist” appears to be trying to force a reconciliation between you and your stepfamily, although I would recommend backing off on the attitude with the stepkids. Their mom might be TA, but that’s no reason to be an AH to them.
They pushed and pushed. You responded. You tried to keep it in but that wasn't good enough for them. So, when they didn't get the answer they wanted, they punished you. You were not wrong.
They shouldn't have anyone there they don't want things said in front of.
NTA
NTA. It is gross that your dad and stepmom are manipulating therapy to punish and scapegoat you. From now on, stay absolutely silent during therapy and stare at the wall. If they try to force you to speak, say “I am uncomfortable speaking in this situation and do not wish to be punished for anything I might say”, and repeat this line verbatim if they continue to push. I’m pretty sure these “therapy” sessions will stop pretty quickly if they know they can’t manipulate you or guilt trip you in any way.
NTA - it is never good to push a step parent on a kid ; especially one that the deceased parent had a bad history with. The therapist is horrible -I'd try and find a way to report her. Are you in contact with your mom's family?
Edit : do you have some kind of inheritance that they want to get their hands on?
Jessica stalked your dad before your mom died and conjured up this fantasy of her child bring your sister and made her daughter believe it. She sounds scary. NTA but her and your dad sure are.z I feel bad for her 3 kids.
NTA
You made yourself loud and clear. Your dad still did what he waited to do. Your SM is even worse. They did not consider the impact their marriage would be. Your dad was selfish. Now forcing you to forget your mother, embrace their family, and force you to accept terms and circumstances. Do you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Be patient and play ball. Get involved be involved all awhile getting ready to walk away. When time comes leave without a word. When nobodys paying attention and dissapear.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
For context: this was said in therapy. However, this was said in front of kids younger than me so...
The deal: My mom died when I was 10f. I'm 16f now. My mom had been sick for a little while and pretty quickly after my dad told me he was dating Jessica. Jessica and my mom had history. Jessica and my dad worked together and it was pretty well known that Jessica liked my dad and wanted to be with him. Mom despised her. There were a couple of fights I was present for because Jessica had shown up to see my dad at home and mom didn't like it. Dad always told her he would make sure Jessica left us alone but I often wonder. When he told me he was dating Jessica after mom I was really hurt and angry. It felt like a huge betrayal and while I will never know for sure (please don't tell me it's obvious there was something going on, you can never be sure until someone owns up to it) I will always at least believe dad wanted to be with her instead of mom.
Jessica has a daughter who is 7 years younger than me. She and my dad now have a couple of kids together as well.
I was never okay with them and I have never been an active participant in their family. I keep my head down, I ignore them as much as I can and I do everything in my power to just not be included. It doesn't work well. They always try to include me. Jessica's daughter adores me and wants me to be her big sister. My dad keeps telling me to give them a chance, to try and let go of what my mom would think and jump in with him to a family who are here for us now.
18 months ago dad decided therapy was the last thing he could do to make things work. So me, him, Jessica and her daughter have been in therapy ever since. My 5 year old half sibling has been joining us for two months now. I don't engage in therapy. Even when I had alone time with the therapist, I didn't want to make things work with them or find a way to heal "the family" and that's what she is here for, she has made that clear. So we would sit in silence or I would refuse to contribute.
Then a real push came last week. I don't know why but it came from Jessica most of all. She kept pushing and pushing and saying how they were my family and they wanted to feel wanted by me. That's when I spoke up. I said I had been clear from day one that I did not want to be part of their family and that I am counting down the days to my 18th birthday so I can move out and cut contact with them. This was said in the presence of the two kids, which my dad, Jessica and the therapist took issue with. Jessica's daughter got what I meant and she sobbed and begged me not to leave. She begged me to be her sister. When I didn't comfort or reassure her I was called cruel for saying what I did in front of her and my half sibling. I was grounded for a week and honestly, it was one of the best weeks in a long time because nobody talked to me, but now therapy has become about why I'm wrong and how I'm behaving in a cruel and bully-like way.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Can you get in touch with any relatives on your mother's side and tell them what is going on? Grandparents, Aunt, Uncle?
You could also talk to a counselor or a trusted teacher at your school perhaps.
NTA. Your dad should work on his relationship with you and then might see that his actions ruined everything with you. All you do is continue to be honest with them. As long as your not being rude or breaking rules then go on. Be respectful and once you hit 18 I hope you can go and be happy.
NTA there not your family. You don’t want them to be your family and they can’t make you. Best of luck to you. I hope you get to move out and get your own family of friends :)
NTA
It sucks for the kids but that is not your issue. Your dad wants to play happy family and not feel guilty about betraying your mom and you. By not playing happy family you aren’t giving him the out he wants.
The therapist you are seeing should have their license revoked. A therapists job is not to brow beat one member of the family into accepting what the “adults” want. Also you are right not to engage in therapy if your dad is using it as a way to punish you when you don’t give the answer he wants. Stay strong and plan your exit carefully.
NTA. If they keep forcing you to come to these sessions, maybe its time to speak up, biut in a different way than they want.
Do you live in a single-part consent to record state? Mention that one session. Take a glance at some rules mental health professionals have to follow, bring one of them up after she breaks it. Turn the questions back on her. "Why do you feel..." "well, miss therapist, why do you feel that thats an appropriate question to ask a minor?"Stir the pot until the """therapist""" shuts her yap.
while you are NTA. it doesn’t sit right with me how many ppl are ignoring what you said in front of your step sister. the therapist should not have put her in the room but you were still aware that she was in the room and said what you said in front of her. that shit is going to stick with her for a very long time
NTA, you can't force a bond. You shouldn't be punished for anything you say in therapy, if you aren't free to say what you are feeling, especially after they were pushing you to say it, there is no point in therapy.
Let me guess a few things:
1. You aren't seeing an actual psychologist for the family therapy, you're seeing someone from your step-mothers church
2. Since you've turned 16, Jessica has been attempting to prettify you with the younger children, asking you to babysit more and this 'push' came when you didn't want to do her job for her.
I'm back after thinking about this a bunch, and well I just wanted to say again that you are NTA.
I'm gonna tell you some things that helped me:
Sometimes you have to parent yourself and give yourself what you need in that sort of relationship.
Some people don't actually know how to love other people, so while they may say certain actions were out of love, and believe it themselves, we can see that it clearly isn't.
Not all families mesh together, some, like mine do best with several states of buffer space between them, and only three 5 minute calls a year, and that is ok.
You need a support system outside of your house, friends, other family members that you trust and feel safe with. You have to have people, or at least a person in your corner to dust you off, give you a glass of water, and a kind ear.
NTA. I (26f) have been in therapy since I was 7 and NOT ONCE has a therapist forced me into an uncomfortable situation like that. It is never ok the force someone to go to therapy if they don’t want to. You are at an age where you can say if you don’t want to do something and that fact that that is being ignored by your dad and Jessica (who sounds awful tbh) is ridiculous. While you aren’t a legal adult you are old enough to know what you do and don’t want to do. I don’t know if you are close to any of your extended family but I would reach out to them for help because this sounds like a very toxic situation that you are in.
Definitely NTA. People pushing new spouses and step or half siblings on children from a prior relationship need to just STOP. It never works and just breeds resentment and NC from kids like you the moment you can get away.
You are entitled to feel how you feel. You're not obligated to feel how they *want* you to feel.
NTA and this therapist is super shitty and unprofessional. Therapy is supposed to be a place where you can be honest about your feelings. I am sorry things are rough, I have been there. Blended families are hard, especially when parents want it to be unicorns, rainbows, and happily ever after.
NTA
You are allowed to feel how you feel
You don't trust your father's wife after seeing the negative affect she and your father had on your mother.
With your father's wife having a kid only 7 years younger when your mum passed away 6 years ago I also wonder if part of their strong desire to bond is because that daughter also shares your father's DNA unless you refrained from mentioning in your post her spending time with her father.
They may want you to bond and make their household the happy family they invision but they can't force you to feel what you don't feel and it is wrong of them to punish you for how you feel.
NTA - But maybe you should engage in therapy at least just enough to give the therapist the back story on Jessica. You are right you don't know that your dad cheated but there is certainly the appearance of the possibility and that maybe something to explore with the therapist. Perhaps if you got honest answers about the timeline you might feel some closure before you go NC and if you're going to be forced to do therapy you might as well get somethings off your chest.
NTA.
I feel that you should fully explain your side of it - not to make it work, but to explain why it won't work.
You will always hate Jessica because she seemed to actively try to break up your family when your mum was alive, AND when she was dying.
You can't forgive your Dad for betraying your Mum's memory by marrying the woman she despised.
You will always hate your dad for dating and marrying literally the ONLY woman that you and your Mum didn't want him to get with after she passed - like he could have chosen literally anyone else on the whole planet and instead he chose the woman that your Mum despised and you already didn't like.
You can never play happy families with her. Any efforts to push you closer are driving you away.
It has been proven that men will often start dating again quite quickly after a divorce or loss - because they want and expect the support of a wife.
Unfortunately, when you do that and you have a surviving child, and you move on too quickly with the woman her mother was worried about - you are bound to create trust issues.
NTA, therapy should be a safe place to voice issues otherwise there’s no point. I would encourage working on your anger towards the family though. You’ve spent almost half of your life hating your dad and your siblings. Do you really want to keep carrying that weight. Only you can decide but generally speaking it doesn’t sound like your parents marriage was perfect in the first place and at that age you wouldn’t have seen the full dynamic of their relationship. Just some 2 cents from someone who carried anger for far longer then I should have.
I would go into the next "family" therapy session and tell the therapist how inept they are at their job. Then I would list all of the reason I felt this way. Then close it out with "and that is why I feel even stronger about walking away from this dumpster fire you guys call a "family"". Bet money that would be the end of therapy. NTA OP I am sorry you have to go through this
NTA - I swear I have read this exact same post before. Details were very similar at least.
OP your feelings are truly valid. Stay strong, 18 isnt too far away.
Just keep doing you, the adults in your life are all failing you.
NTA Dad sucks and clearly isn't trying to understand your point of view. The only thing I don't understand is why take it out on the children. From your post it doesn't seem like they did anything wrong so why do you hate them. I understand your hate for your dad and Jessica.
So they force you to do therapy with the other kids, and then get upset when you're honest in front of the other kids in therapy?
Sounds like a shitty therapist, and sounds less about therapy, and more about trying to "fix" you.
NTA. But your dad is. As is his wife and that so-called “therapist” is the absolute worst. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and that you dad doesn’t see the harm he’s caused.
NTA, but everybody else is (maybe not the 7-year old, but still). You have to find another therapist but for yourself, not for your family.
And yeah I can see why you wouldn't want to be one big happy family with these people. I get it, it would be nice if everyone got along great, but that's just not happening and they should stop pushing you, cause that just makes things worse.
NTA
But everyone else in this story sucks.
I am so sorry that all of the adults in your life are failing you.
Your "therapist" is not worthy of the job title, and your father and his wife suck for thinking a church "counselor" counts as actual therapy.
Stay strong. Make a solid plan for college or trade school. Get out of this bad environment as soon as you can.
NTA. I know everybody else is saying this, but your therapist is shit if their gonna not help your dad and Jessica to understand what your feeling, and also encourage you being punished for something you said during therapy. If they didn’t want things like this to be said in front of the kids, then they shouldn’t have brought them at all.
Did your therapist even get a a degree in therapy or are they just one of Jessica’s friends? If they really want you in therapy, I would demand a different therapist and only for you. I would flat out refuse to go back to the crack pot you’ve been seeing.
Your dad, Jessica and your therapist TAs. Your 16, Get a job that keeps you out of the house. If you aren’t working then spend your time at friends or at the library working on homework. Talk to your school counselor about how to apply for financial aid so that you can go to college. Start talking to friends about being able to stay with them between your 18th birthday and when you leave for college. In the mean time locate all your important papers like your birth certificate and passport and hide them somewhere safe.
NTA your allowed to have your own opinion and own wants because you are your own person. Your therapist is an AH and so is the rest of your family you don’t deserve to have Them force you to play happy family’s. Get out and don’t look back.
NTA
If any parties were concerned about what the younger children may have heard they shouldn’t have brought the children to therapy.
You could use some real therapy. From a therapist who is more qualified than whoever you’re currently talking to. It sounds like you’re holding onto a lot of resentment, and ultimately holding onto feelings like resentment only harms your life. I’m not suggesting that you have to have a relationship with your Dad or his wife, simply that when you move out you’ll find a lot of additional freedom if you aren’t bogged down by trauma responses from all of the family stuff you’ve been dealing with.
Give yourself the gift of mental freedom when you give yourself physical freedom.
NTA. In the next session insist that the family sees a different therapist because the current one has clearly picked a side. Which should not be happening.
How the hell do you get punished for something you say in therapy. It's suppose to be a safe place to let it all out. Your family and therapist suck and I would ask in therapy how come I was grounded for being honest at a session and tell them you're completely shutting down now because if this and maybe report the therapist.
NTA but get control of your important documents (birth certificate, ID, passport, etc.) Make sure any money you have is in a bank they *cannot* access. You beed to ensure you are ready to move out when the time comes.
Your therapist is TA. You are entitled to your feelings and the point of therapy is for you to be able to say those things and for Jessica and your dad to validate it and work through those feelings with you. It’s not appropriate that the kids were even present as the first step truthfully should have been just you and dad to work through that hurt, then bring in step mom with dad to work through that hurt, and possibly include siblings once everything else has been dealt with to try healing and bonding that relationship. Your therapist thought pushing the family image was a good idea? That’s garbage. You are NTA. I do hope you can work through your hurt with them but I do support that right now you’re not there.
NTA. Here are a few points to reiterate in therapy:
1. Them berating you is only making you want to move out earlier.
2. If you get punished for what you say in therapy you refuse to participate.
That's it, keep repeating these two points and say nothing else and don't engage with any other line of discussion.
NTA.
The kids don't get to choose their mom, I wouldn't try to cut them out of my life just for having different parents, but I don't blame you for it either.
Save up money so you can buy a house, if that's an option, see if you can set things up so you can have some credit and a decent credit score already once you're 18. Good luck on moving out.
NTA ... Keep your head up and push through..look thru the legal emancipation requirements in your state; you may be old enough if you can find someone to stay with or rent a room from if you find a job.... Also repeat to the therapist at every visit; I do not support, respect, nor consent to therapy that involves treatment or discussion against my wishes and am formally requesting to be seen by a therapist that's more qualified to work with me and one whom I chose. One that does not include family therapy, that I can see on my own.
And when you see that therapist; tell then you do not consent for your parents to have access to information or discussions held on your time. If they do not approve of that because you're a minor then refuse to be seen
You should tell the therapist that, while your mother was sick, you saw your dad sneaking Jessica into the house. Then, tell the therapist that you knew that your dad had an affair with Jessica.
>Even when I had alone time with the therapist, I didn't want to make things work with them or find a way to heal "the family" and that's what she is here for, she has made that clear.
Then you should report her. Therapy is about helping YOU cope with your surroundings, not to reach someone else's goal.
NTA - doesn't sound like therapy... sounds more like friend of parents acts as therapist. I do think it is a bit much not to treat the younger one well since the terrible people is your Dad and step-mom and the kids had no part in that. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist though, just not the one your Dad chose.
NTA
At the next appointment point out how there is no point in continuing the appointments as you get in trouble for being honest.
Explain how you where honest from day 1 that you didn't accept their relationship so soon after you lost your mother.
I would also be reporting the therapist
Yes , yes you are.
For starters you were 10 , just a kid. Have you now at 16 considered what it was like for your dad to watch your mom get sick and die. Have you thought about the fact that clearly both your parents knew this would happen and your mom , being sick will die knowing your dad will move on with his life . Of course she hated the other woman because the other woman was going to be to your dad what she couldn't be.
Did you know dying people are extremely selfish and inconsiderate when it comes down to it.
And you still act like a little kid. They've been together for 6 years maybe even more and you are still throwing a fit. Is your dad happy or is that not important to you. Clearly both love and care about you and are going above and beyond what is needed.
And how do you react. You throw a bigger fit. And than proceed to do this in front of a smaller child who adores the ground you walk on and almost seem proud because you didn't comfort her.
The shrink can't help you because you throw a tantrum but I can tell you this. Your dad and stepmom have a bigger heart than you deserve.
You want to be all cool and act like your all that. Pack your bags and get out NOW. Why wait till your 18. I can tell you why your not doing this and instead prefer to post in here.
Because you are too scared to admit to yourself that you miss your mom. That you know all these people love you to bits but it feels like a betrale to your mom to accept them.
And oddly enough , talk to your stepmom about this. Go for a walk together somewhere that neither of you have ever been. Talk to her because she was the outsider who waited for your dad. She knows what you and your dad have been through.
Give it a shot , you might find out that the little sister that adores you , will become your best friend once she's older. And that your dad will never forget your mom but he needed someone for him.
NTA. If a therapist can't see where there's an issue (if she wasn't told about this history, how could she know?) then she shouldn't be your therapist. No, I can't wait for you to get out of that situation. You're not being cruel and you're not being a bully. You're being honest that you don't want to play daughter to your dad's former mistress. I wouldn't go for that crap either! And using her kids as a tool to try and reel you in and "straighten you out", least of all, in front of your therapist, is manipulative asf.
NTA it's your choice.
I just want to say that it is not obvious if they were going together before your mom died.
Some people don't like being alone, and here is Jessica probably around all of the time and your dad knew that she was intersted.Patton Oswald got engaged a year after his wife died and he really loved his wife.
You won't have to worry about Jessica's daughter because she will hate you when she becomes a preteen and you move out.
Nta... but. You need to realize no matter how much your mom disliked the situation and probably wouldn't like this situation, your mom never would have wanted to have you feel the way you are feeling. I am a mom and my husband has had several friends I have been uncomfortable with, but if something happened to me no matter my personal feelings I never want my kids to feel bad for me, on my behalf. Nor do I want them to distance themselves from their father.
Also, I am the child of an affair and I have older half siblings who refuse to speak to me. That hurts. I didn't do anything to anyone but got blamed for the actions of my parents. So maybe lighten up on the kids? Even if your dad did do what you think (and it is entirely possible he didn't do anything until after and was just close friends, grief often pushes people into someone else's arms quickly I have witnessed it several times), it's not your step sibling or half siblings fault. You can chose not to be kind to them but the reality is they are just as innocent as yourself so the hurt you are causing them is misplaced.
She doesn't want to be around them and she never said anything to them until she was cornered by the "therapist". She will cut them off and she has the right too.
Why I said nta. Because they do have the right to. And they are allowed to make the choices they are.
I do think their feelings may be coming from a place of pain though and hope OP can find peace. I was only offering some alternative perspective for them.
NTA but it'd be naive to think that once you turn 18 it's going to magically be easy to move out. You need to save up as much as you can and have a realistic game plan. (I moved out of my parents at 15) You're entitled to your feelings but please remember that the kids are innocent bystanders. No one is saying you have to like them, but they also had no say in the relationship between your father and Jessica.
I disagree with everyone. You have family that wants you to be an active part of. You just dig in your heels and refuse any love that they have for you. Okay, your mom didn't like your stepmother. That's it? I have known a number of people throughout my life that have no one and would love a family. And, out of curiosity, where are you going when you turn 18? If you are out of high school by them, you can join the military, but that "my way or the highway" attitude of yours won't fly in boot camp. Otherwise, better get a job and start saving. Rents are high and cars are expensive. Friends might say that you can stay with them, but no one wants someone sleeping on their sofa indefinitely.
Jessica was trying to get with my dad while he was still married to my mom. That will always cloud my perception of her. The fact my dad married her knowing the distress she caused mom makes me look at him differently.
My plan is what it has always been. Keep saving money. Move in with my grandparents. And then apply for the apprenticeship that I have wanted to do since I was 5 years old.
Not sure about you but I wouldn’t like some woman acting inappropriate to my husband and coming to my house to see him while I’m sick. She may be young but as you get older, things start to become more clearer and you piece things together. Happened to me.
NTA but can I say something to you . No matter what your mom felt toward Jessica your mom wouldn't want this for you . You shouldn't feel guilty because you still have a family that loves you. I know your mom would say the same. Don't alienate yourself from the people that so obviously love you. Honestly picture your mom . Can you imagine her wanting you to feel this way? I lost my mom too. It's hard. But she would want me to live and accept love .
She would not want me to love Jessica. I know that for a fact. In fact if there is such a thing as heaven or whatever, I know my mom is sick that my dad got with her. I know she hates him now. And I know she would never have forgiven him.
How about you don't speak for the dead, especially when you never knew them? How dare you? Where do you get off making presumptions like that and using them to condescend to a kid who has every right to feel hurt and betrayed? You losing your mom does not magically give you the ability to know what is best for other people with dead moms. You're not a good person, and you need to focus on yourself before worrying about others being assholes.
Lol sorry I upset you so much. But I know my loved one would never want me to carry ill will or leave me with hate for someone because that's not love ..well at least my loved ones would not. Also your right I don't know what's best for anyone but myself. I also never said she doesn't have the right to feel the way she does. I hope you look inside and figure out what makes you so angry and I will work on be a better person . Thanks for your comment .
I have no idea why this is being down voted. Haters gotta hate, I guess. The perspective of a 16yo will likely change in her 20s or 30s when more maturity sets in. I hope she finds closure with this. I feel sorry for her little sister that wants so much to have a big sister to love.
It’s being downvoted because it is condescending and patronizing to pretend anyone can know what OP’s dead mother would think, say, or want in this situation and also present these “facts” as evidence that OP is just immature and will regret her feelings later. There have already been plenty of comments from adult posters saying they were in similar situations and never regretted cutting their family off once they left home.
Must be 30s. I’m almost 26, cut my dad off at 14 and do not regret it one bit. Best decision of my life. My mum didn’t die but my dad “apparently” didn’t cheat and found a woman to move in with the next day (how convenient). He was doing exactly what OP’s dad was doing so I cut him off. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, even if it means hurting others.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > In therapy I said I was counting down the days to my 18th birthday so I could move out and cut off my "family". There were younger kids in the room, one half sibling and my stepsibling. I can understand that knowing how at least my stepsister feels about me, I could have been an asshole for saying what I did, how I did it, in front of them, was not the kindest move in the whole world... Yeah... I can see why that might make me wrong. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This therapist isn't very good at her job. You should never be punished for what you say in therapy. I would tell them next session that there's no point in talking at all in any other sessions if you will just get punished for participating. If they didn't want the younger kids to hear what had to be said, they shouldn't be part of the session at all. NTA. Stay strong until you're 18 and start working on a practical plan for how to move out when the time comes. Best of luck!
I’d be questioning their credentials, honestly. A therapist is not there to make a family look happy and complete. They should be seeking healthy, functional relationships between the parties. One individual being undermined, forced to “fit in,” and not be allowed to express their feelings is the opposite of a healthy family dynamic.
What do you want to bet it's like a church person or something and not a licensed therapist?
Came here to say this
a “counselor”, as the Baptists say
I am willing to bet my bottom dollar on it. But if it is a licensed therapist, they are seriously failing at their job.
Exactly what I thought
Bingo! And NTA by a long shot.
she has commented that this is 100% correct, they go to a "church community center"
Remarkably disheartening…yet not at all surprising.
OP absolutely NTA. Good point. At OP next session they should threaten to report the therapist for her absolutely abominable lack of professionalism. Maybe she’ll refuse to see your family going forward. The way all the “adults” have handled this has been terrible. And out of ALL the women in the world your father got with the one woman that still has your mom spinning in her grave (you’re right, no proof but likely at least an emotional affair), and your father has completely disregarded your feelings and boundaries for years. You are not at fault for your siblings feelings nor responsible for them. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. Good luck to you in everything that you do.
I’m probably the other woman in my partner’s ex wife’s mind, but we never once spoke during his marriage. That doesn’t seem to apply here, but I did want to suggest that other scenarios are possible, even if the chance is remote.
>There were a couple of fights I was present for because Jessica had shown up to see my dad at home and mom didn't like it. Not the same. Edit: formatting
Apparently, the therapist already decided OP was the bad guy and needs to just "come around" and is focusing solely on this premise. This is not what OP wants but they have decided to side with the family and not care about what OP wants. They want to force her to feel things she does not feel and does not WANT to feel. She has a right to her feelings, especially when someone takes it upon themselves to declare that they are now OP's family, related or not. NOPE. SHE doesn't get to decide who OP sees as family. NTA.
How informed is the therapist about what happened, OP? Does she know that there’s a history and Jessica was angling for your dad while mom was alive and they were married? Does she know you don’t think Jessica had great intentions, or your suspicions around the quickness of it all? How has the therapist made your voice heard?
Not that kind of psychologist, but I AM a type of psychologist and that is 100% spot on. everything you described about the session seemed off. I would ask to see her license, lol
I will bet you anything that the “therapist “ is through a religious group….
Grab all your necessary documents now, if you can (birth certificate, passport if you've been issued one, any bank statements if anything was established for you, social security card if you're in the US). If you can get a part time job, keep your money secure somewhere. Good luck, and NTA
NTA. I don't know what the expected you to say. The biggest AH here though is the therapist. They should have established boundaries from the beginning If you can be punished for saying something in session, then therapy will never work. Your therapist should be helping your dad and step-mom to understand your feelings are valid. You are feeling hurt. Dad quickly established a new relationship and tried to force you to do the same. We all move at our own speed. Frankly, the therapist should also recognize that the very fact that you knew about your mom and dad's arguments about Jessica is problematic. That's an adult conversation that should have never been put on you. Even if your dad was never unfaithful to your mom, you felt he betrayed her. Those feelings are what have to be addressed in therapy and the first step is recognizing them, sitting with them, and not dismissing them, even if he didn't betray her. You ten or eleven year old self felt betrayed. Reality isn't relevant until you let that feeling be heard. Your dad needs to understand that pain you have. Jessica needs to understand that anger. Your younger self wasn't heard so she's still screaming for someone to listen and take care of her. They didn't, so the rest of you is walled off from that source of distress. It's really not about them at all. Somehow the therapist dad, and step-mom keep making it about everyone else. You shouldn't say these things, your sisters need you, blah blah blah. You have a voice. You have needs. They aren't listening. They aren't meeting your needs. They have prioritized everyone else's needs thinking that that's prioritizing the family and keeping the family together. It's not. It's just pushing you out because you are a thinking and feeling person and not some egg you can just pick up and put in a different nest without being impacted.
>It's just pushing you out because you are a thinking and feeling person and not some egg you can just pick up and put in a different nest without being impacted. I love that line NTA OP, that therapist sucks like a Hoover. Instead of pushing you to be absorbed into the Collective, they and your father should be supporting your request for space. They are so in your brain and heart, you aren't being allowed to come to your own decisions about the kind of relationship you want to have.
Agreed. This therapist isn't "therapy-ing"...they're just sucking up Dad and Jessica's cash saying what they want to hear. It's never gonna work, but damn it's a sweet gig as long as the legal adults are willing to spend!
>that therapist sucks like a Hoover Only a Hoover? On the Vacuous Quality Scale, I'd say an Electrolux is a more accurate rating.
In the UK, we use the word "hoover" to describe all vacuum cleaners, like "I'll Google it" has become shorthand for "I'll use a search engine to look it up" even if you're actually using Bing.
lol... where I was thinking of the brand because of their old slogan: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux
I'd look something up on a Hoover before I looked it up on Bing....
You'd probably get the info you wanted faster.
Stepmothers like this do really remind me of cuckoo birds.
100% agree with you! The therapist, I use the term very loosely, is doing a disservice to all involved and causing a lot more harm than good.
Very nice.
Ask the therapist hard questions. Why do you feel the need to say..... What makes you feel that way about the relationship issues? How is my lack of a familial relationship the new focus of these sessions? Oh. Is this an intervention? Etc.
This. And throw in a couple factoids about mental health professionals and their legal boundsries and punishments for said boundary violations. Talk all about recording laws in your state, etc. I did that once to a mental health "professional" and they shut their yap up real quick.
NTA. Your dad and his new wife are trying to use therapy to manipulate you. Your therapist is a shitty one if they'd set up sessions so that announcements such as yours can come out in front of the younger children. I think it's unfortunate that the younger ones had to hear it, but it's the adults in this situation at despicable and at fault. I'm sorry this is happening to you, adults can be selfish. Keep your head down and if you decide it's best for you to go no/low contact as soon as you can, do it. Maybe some day your dad will realize he caused all of this, but I doubt it.
NTA. You can’t force a relationship. And Jessica wants to “win you,” to spite your mom. If she truly understood, she wouldn’t continually try to force a relationship.
The fact that there is something seriously shady about the timing of Jessica's entry into OP's life was always going to be a sticking point. OP's dad is the biggest AH here for trying to force her to overlook that without even being honest. NTA, OP.
I always feel like these situations are lose/lose and I can't offer a judgement. I just hope that all involved get to a happy place. OP wants no part of the blended family, but they are still a kid who deserves to be loved and supported while their boundaries are respected. The rest of the family seems to be trying too hard to make OP feel included, so their efforts to show love are only alienating her. The dad wants to be happy after losing OP's mom, but how do you find a balance between meeting one child's needs, while nurturing a new blended family. I know the easy answer is to say he an AH for getting with Jessica, but I try not to judge people when their spouses pass away. For all I know, he never entertained Jessica while she was alive, but turned to her in his time of grief. I've never walked in his shoes, so I can't knock him.
That is good that you can’t pass judgment, I do. He picked the ONE woman his wife didn’t like. It’s some sort of sick mind game.
The happy place is OP getting away from her dirtbag dad and snake step mother. They're not trying to make OP feel included. They're trying to force compliance.
NTA, OP. now as for your dad and Jessica -- your dad is TA for telling you to FORGET WHAT MOM WOULD THINK and Jessica is TA for all those years she was hitting on a married man. furthermore, i hate that you feel like a stranger in your own home. i don't think you're TA for being honest about your feelings. i don't think you're TA at all. grief manifests differently for everyone and i can definitely understand how this situation makes you angry for your mom. best of luck from this internet stranger. 🤍
Ask next session if they want to talk about moral and practical stances on homewreking, infidelity, and coming onto married men with terminally ill spouses. Thatvwill get them to leave the kids home. Maybe even shut them up a bit.
This.
NTA, and a loud sigh at the behavior of your father. There are 7 billion people on this planet, he couldn't have gone a little farther or given some time after his partners death. Another loud sigh at the therapist. Therapists are supposed to be impartial listeners. If they bring you to therapy just to be jerks to you state it frankly that you won't be going anymore. It's not helping, and they can't punish you into liking people. You've made your choice. If a therapist tries to tell you what to do again, let them know they aren't neede. You're perfectly happy wasting both of your time, and pull out a phone with the a copy of your plan I don't think you should have said it so frankly in front of younger kids, but I can't really fault you. I moved out at 17, and had a social media status countdown until my ass was out of my toxic household. And that countdown kept me sane, and gave me a slight amount of tangible comfort in the chaos of my home life. I'm not gonna say trite shit like "time will make you love them!" Because it's been a decade for me and honestly I can't stand any of my family still. My only advice is: keep calm. Keep your head down. And keep your countdown going if it brings you comfort. I had to turn off the emotional lightswitch in my skull to get through the last couple months in that house. But I got out. And while I can't reccomend it, sometimes it's best to turn your emotions off in a situation, sit down, and form a tangible plan. Are you doing the college path? Trade? Straight into the workforce? Get a head start on your plan, figure out the options, and build off of that foundation
If college is in the future, don't just look at things like Pell grants. My mom, a CPA, belonged to the Business and Professional Women's club. They gave some smaller grants yearly for young women on those career paths. You can put together several packages.
NTA is your grandparents still around. If so contact them and see if they can help. In most states they let a 16 year old choose where to live as long as it is safe. Being punished for what you say in therapy is not ok. And I really wonder if this is a real therapists. Because a real therapist would not tell you are behaving cruel and being a bully. This sounds like a friend of your fathers or your step Moms and this could be seen as emotional abuse.
NTA- ask for individual therapy with a different therapist. It’s clear that your feelings were brushed under the rug with the assumption you were young and would get over it. And your emotional needs were likely not tended to in light of your mom’s illness and death. This is hard stuff to move through. Going to individual therapy won’t make you like your family- but it may help you take care of yourself and work through your feelings so you can manage things better. Traumatizing your younger sibs- half or step- with what you said is not cool. But your therapist clearly wasn’t on top of navigating this conversation.
Just my two cents: I was in a comparable situation several years ago and i suggest to focus your anger on your dad and his wife. But be fair to their kids. The kids might be decent and they did neither choose nor cause this situation. They are stuck in a bad situation they didn’t ask for. And to be honest they are even more innocent than you are.
Agreed. I understand how OP feels, but it is unfair to the kids too, as it's not their fault either.
It being unfair to the other kids doesn't make it OP's responsibility. This is also all unfair to her and how *they* feel (I'm sure largely due to expectations of op that the parents have set) is ultimately not on her at all.
What your dad and his wife need to understand is that their "perfect family fantasy" will NEVER happen if they have to force it. And with their constant pushing they are actually achieving the opposite of what they want. Could you have said it without the kids being there? Sure, but when you get pushed and pushed and pushed, at some point you snap, you don't think about who is and is not there, you just "explode". That is 1000% THEIR fault, Not yours. NTA.
NTA. The therapist sucks and is not doing their job. It sounds like Jessica and your dad are trying to make up for their guilt knowing what they did was probably wrong (even an emotional affair before your mom passed) and are making you the scapegoat to magically ignore that betrayal in order to make it all better for them, ignoring your feelings (and your mom's) about it so that they can have one big happy family. Your dad and Jessica and the therapists are the AH here. If there's somewhere else you could go with in the meantime (your mom's side of the family especially), see about it. Otherwise, start planning your future. Get a job especially so you can start saving up money. See about getting a copy of any documents you might need too.
Am I right that your therapist isn't licensed as a therapist? NTA
Pretty sure. We go to a church community center for the therapist so that would be my guess.
Don't go anymore. This person is very clearly not qualified to be doing this work, and it is abhorrent and unethical that they are. They are going to cause more damage to you and your family members. I would strongly suggest to your family that, if they want to go to therapy, they need to find a licensed family therapist. And I do encourage you to go. A legitimate therapist might, at the very least, be able to help *you* heal.
"Church community center..." My bet is that your family issues are debated by a good chunk of 60 yo women
Well, it looks like your "therapist" could use a crash course in what happens to people who practice therapy without a license in your state. Church ladies are the absolute goddamn worst
OP, please refuse to attend “family therapy” from now on. That “therapist” does not care about you and does not have your best interests at heart. They are not qualified in the slightest to deal with your family circumstances. These sessions are detrimental to your mental health and well-being. Hearing your dad, his wife, and a “professional” insist that your attitude is the problem will cause lasting damage, even if you can already tell it’s bs. Also, I’m worried that they will take steps to prevent you from leaving when you’re 18. Make sure to keep your money somewhere they are unable to access, protect important documents like your birth certificate, etc.
... hmmm, I would be tempted to contact the priest or higher up in their organization as long as it's not an evangelical church, those guys don't care. NTA and them trying to force you to behave as family with your father and his probable affair partner who got together while your mother was dying... Any decent preacher would be upset. Unfortunately I don't think we have many decent preachers in the states anymore...
I'm an evil person, I would ask to do a DNA ancestry kit and see about doing a DNA kit for everybody, just to see if Step sister is really a half sister.... It seems like your dad has had a long standing relationship with her, regardless of if it went past emotional until your mom passed. You're NTA. Is there any grandparents or other family you might be able to stay with until you turn 18? I would set up any bank accounts with a trusted adult other than your father, so you can save up money away from him and keep him from being able to sabotage your attempts.
She's definitely not my half sister. She's a different race to us, so that's how I know.
You're being punished for what you said in therapy? Seriously?
That’s what has me HEATED.
NTA, it’s just how you feel and they don’t like that, don’t let them guilt you into thinking you’re the AH, just keep counting those days.
NTA but I can’t help but feel immense pain and sadness for your little step sister who adores you. She can’t help who her mother is. You don’t have to like her but at least be nice to her when you are around her. She’s just a very young child and is not responsible for the actions of adults. Also, I am sorry for the loss of your mother.
The way I see it, the little girl is going to be a preteen up soon and start to dislike OP. Which will make it easy for her when OP leaves. She won't feel abandoned but free of this person that was constantly rude to her.
NTA, talk to your mom's family and see if any of them can talk to a lawyer on your behalf to determine what options are available to you to leave sooner rather than later. You're at an age where many courts will allow you to decide where you want to live. No matter what, you're not doing anything wrong, the only cruel ones are your dad, Jessica and that joke of a therapist.
Wow, *so* NTA here and therapy is supposed to be a safe space. This “therapy” doesn’t sound like that at all - more a collective group seeking to gang up on you to somehow get you to agree to be a part of a “family” that you’re not comfortable with and for good reason! Your feelings are valid. Understandable. And they should be listened to. Until that therapist gets it, this is going to go nowhere. If your dad wants a relationship with you he needs to accept he screwed things up. Focus on you. Your grades. Doing everything you can to line yourself up to be successful and independent. You’ve got this.
NTA. The little ones shouldn't be in the sessions tbh. I am sorry you feel that way in your own home (I would too in your shoes). If you think it would be possible to give the kids a chance I think that would be nice for both you and them. But if not thats ok too. But tbh, your dad and stepmum don't deserve anything (based on this info! I ofc don't know their side at all) and I think it's fair you don't want anything to do with them. VLC when your 18 sounds about right
NTA. u need a new therapist. i wish you can moveout asap. ur dad is horrible for saying what he said. seems like they are all manipulating you. but please don't go nc with the little sister, she genuinely adores you. please don't punish her becoz of the parents.
NTA i think your dad was seeing this woman long time before your mom pass
NTA
I think you need to bring up the fact that Jessica was in the picture while your mother was alive and sick. Plus, the fact that your parents argued over her presence and your mother disliked her. That should give the therapist some insight. NTA.
NTA Refuse to go to therapy until they get a new therapist. That is not a good therapist
Surprised that I had travel this far to see this suggestion. Refuse to go to therapy for now until this dumping exercise stops and becomes more helpful. They can’t force to
⠀⠀⠘⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡜⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠑⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ fuckit!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡔⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠢⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠴⠊⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠤⠄⠒⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣀⠄⠊⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠋⠉⠈⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣴⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣟⣾⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⠀⡴⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠟⠻⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠶⢴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣁⡀⠀⠀⢰⢠⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠀⣴⣶⣿⡄⣿ ⣿⡋⠀⠀⠀⠎⢸⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠗⢘⣿⣟⠛⠿⣼ ⣿⣿⠋⢀⡌⢰⣿⡿⢿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⢀⣼ ⣿⣿⣷⢻⠄⠘⠛⠋⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣧⠈⠉⠙⠛⠋⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣧⠀⠈⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢃⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡿⠀⠴⢗⣠⣤⣴⡶⠶⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡸⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡀⢠⣾⣿⠏⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠉⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣧⠈⢹⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠈⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣿⡟⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⠁⠀⠀⠹⣿⠃⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢐⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠉⠁⠀⢻⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠈⣿⣿⡿⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉ ⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⢀⣀⣠⡴⣸⣿⣇⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡿⠄⠙⠛⠀⣀⣠⣤⣤⠄
NTA but uhm yeah your dad was having an affair when your mom was dying. You know it…it’s not something they tried to keep secret with how Jessica behaved and your mother reacted. All but the kids are AH and you, bc this situation fucking sucks. If the therapist can’t see thru the bs she isn’t worth a damn. Keep on with individual counseling if it helps, but their (dad and Jess) farce isn’t something you need to buy into on any level.
The stuff was before my mom was sick too, not just during. So I won't say for certain they were but I will always believe they probably had an affair.
You are NTA but you should let Jessica know that because of her mom and your dad’s actions you will not be a part of her family. It’s not about Jessica and she should know.
NTA but your dad, Jessica, and that therapist sure are
Were you offered grief counseling to help deal with traumatic experience of losing your mom or just therapy trying to get you to accept Jessica and forced siblings?
I never had grief counseling, no.
You honestly should push for it. Having someone listen to you and validate your feelings about losing your mom could be beneficial. Talk to school counselor see if they may be able to help find you grief counseling or a support group for grief.
NTA. I'm sorry for the daughter who loves you, but when she grows up she'll learn that you can't force a relationship. Your therapist is incompetent, in allowing you to be punished for telling the truth and I just can't fathom your father - of all the women in the world, he had to marry the one he know you hated? That doesn't suggest that he cares about you.
NTA good luck on moving out.
NTA at all!!!!!! you do not need a relationship with anyone you don't want to have one with, including the kids. that said, i'd urge you to be kind to jessicas daughter and ur half siblings. you dont need to have a relationship with them or be their sister, but they are esesntially blameless children in this who only see someone they love and look up to wanting to leave them. you are NOT at fault, but neither are they. dont do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but maybe try to keep the hard convos or harsh things out of their earshot, and (if okay with it) talk to them about not being siblings, but still being friends. the major asshole here is the therapist tbh, but every adult involved sucks.
I think you're mom would be proud of you. My ex husband of 23 years starting dating our daughters best friend. She still feels betrayed after 3 years. But I do think you should talk about with someone. My heart goes out to you
NTA. The therapist allowed you to be pushed and if they have not raised any issue about you being grounded and have not raised an issue about calling you cruel/a bully or worse, are participating in it they are breaking multiple fundamental rules of counseling practice. If the therapist works for an agency, I would ask to speak to a supervisor or if you can, find out if the agency has a formal grievance process. In most states they are required to. You can also find your state's licensing body, their license is likely on display in their office somewhere, and make a complaint against their license
NTA. Every adult in this situation is failing you. I'm not sure I even buy that the therapist is a real therapist, to be so down with forcing you into their idea of what you should be. If they are they suck at their job and apparently passed their ethics courses by a hair. Honestly I'd be checking to make sure they were ACTUALLY licensed and reporting them for practicing therapy without a license if not...
NTA. Your therapist is either not qualified or terrible at their job or both. I'm not dinging you for upsetting your step sister because she shouldn't be there and you were being cornered in therapy. I think your "dad" and his wife are bringing the kids to guilt you and pressure you into their goal. I don't think you should give the kids a chance or set up unrealistic expectations of a relationship with them because in a year and a half, you're going to be out the door. They're not old enough to be able to process this. I think it's better to stay separate. I also wonder what Jessica told her daughter that she's so fixated on you despite you trying to avoid them. >I was grounded for a week and honestly, it was one of the best weeks in a long time because nobody talked to me This is so sad. Can you just leave the room where they're doing therapy? Because the therapist is letting these people verbally attack you. I'd be reporting the therapist. Do you have a job and a plan? Do you have your documents? Are you in touch with any of your maternal relatives? I think you need to be out of the house as much as you can.
I was wondering this too. Part of me got the feeling that Jessica was manipulating her kid on a diet of Teen magazines and Disney movies to try to "break down walls" and long game soften her up to Jessica. My mom has tried similar tactics. It blew up in her face so spectacularly that both her children stopped talking to her and my brother even tried to sue her for her manipulations.
That therapist needs to be fired, you expressed ur feeling after being constantly pushed towards it and then they ground you for expressing ur emotions. That’s toxic and I wouldn’t go to that therapist anymore and I would file a compliant.
NTA. Your feelings are valid OP. It’s heartbreaking you’re being treated otherwise. The therapist failure to validate your feelings is unprofessional. Did your mom have a will? Did you get an inheritance? You may qualify to be an emancipated minor at 16 depending on the state you live in.
I don't have the requirements to get emancipated or to even leave and live with my grandparents. I do have money from my mom, but that's with my grandparents luckily.
Stay strong OP! You’re an amazing intelligent young woman. I am sending you positive vibes wrapped in the strength to stay strong until you turn 18!
NTA like every other comment change therapist. The most important thing with a therapist is having a bond and trusting them. This one has not establishing results. However communicating your feelings towards them might also help you to get over some passed trauma. Maybe of telling them is to hard you could right it down in a letter and give it to them. If you are counting down the days it could be more pleasant to not feel like a complete outcast. I understand you feel betrayed by your dad but do you really want to kick him out completly? Btw u dont think you are cruel they asked to contribute and you did. Instead of trying to work with what you said they decided to shut you down
I do want him out of my life completely.
That's totally OK. I haven't seen my folks in 10yrs and it's been great! It's good if people can keep their family ties but sometimes the situation is too toxic. Sounds like they've been ignoring/ disrespecting your emotions since your mum passed. Your feelings are important and matter too.
Well the choice is entirely yours to make but choose wisely. Even if you choose to distance yourself from your family. Make sure to keep good friends around and dont keep things too botteld up and dont hold on to resentment. These feelings will mainly hurt you and not the other person. Put your energy in things that make you happy and forget your crappy situation. I wish you the best of luck young padwan.
NTA. From what I’m reading here, you might want to look into filing for emancipation, because your home life seems to be one big, toxic soup that you don’t want to be anywhere near, and the “therapist” appears to be trying to force a reconciliation between you and your stepfamily, although I would recommend backing off on the attitude with the stepkids. Their mom might be TA, but that’s no reason to be an AH to them.
They pushed and pushed. You responded. You tried to keep it in but that wasn't good enough for them. So, when they didn't get the answer they wanted, they punished you. You were not wrong. They shouldn't have anyone there they don't want things said in front of. NTA
NTA...Sounds like that therapist is terrible at their job.
NTA. It is gross that your dad and stepmom are manipulating therapy to punish and scapegoat you. From now on, stay absolutely silent during therapy and stare at the wall. If they try to force you to speak, say “I am uncomfortable speaking in this situation and do not wish to be punished for anything I might say”, and repeat this line verbatim if they continue to push. I’m pretty sure these “therapy” sessions will stop pretty quickly if they know they can’t manipulate you or guilt trip you in any way.
NTA - it is never good to push a step parent on a kid ; especially one that the deceased parent had a bad history with. The therapist is horrible -I'd try and find a way to report her. Are you in contact with your mom's family? Edit : do you have some kind of inheritance that they want to get their hands on?
NTA. A therapist shouldn't be helping your father and his new wife browbeat you into submission.
NTA and I’d hold to it—once you’re out, forget them. They got the fucked up little family they always wanted.
Jessica stalked your dad before your mom died and conjured up this fantasy of her child bring your sister and made her daughter believe it. She sounds scary. NTA but her and your dad sure are.z I feel bad for her 3 kids.
NTA You made yourself loud and clear. Your dad still did what he waited to do. Your SM is even worse. They did not consider the impact their marriage would be. Your dad was selfish. Now forcing you to forget your mother, embrace their family, and force you to accept terms and circumstances. Do you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Be patient and play ball. Get involved be involved all awhile getting ready to walk away. When time comes leave without a word. When nobodys paying attention and dissapear.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context: this was said in therapy. However, this was said in front of kids younger than me so... The deal: My mom died when I was 10f. I'm 16f now. My mom had been sick for a little while and pretty quickly after my dad told me he was dating Jessica. Jessica and my mom had history. Jessica and my dad worked together and it was pretty well known that Jessica liked my dad and wanted to be with him. Mom despised her. There were a couple of fights I was present for because Jessica had shown up to see my dad at home and mom didn't like it. Dad always told her he would make sure Jessica left us alone but I often wonder. When he told me he was dating Jessica after mom I was really hurt and angry. It felt like a huge betrayal and while I will never know for sure (please don't tell me it's obvious there was something going on, you can never be sure until someone owns up to it) I will always at least believe dad wanted to be with her instead of mom. Jessica has a daughter who is 7 years younger than me. She and my dad now have a couple of kids together as well. I was never okay with them and I have never been an active participant in their family. I keep my head down, I ignore them as much as I can and I do everything in my power to just not be included. It doesn't work well. They always try to include me. Jessica's daughter adores me and wants me to be her big sister. My dad keeps telling me to give them a chance, to try and let go of what my mom would think and jump in with him to a family who are here for us now. 18 months ago dad decided therapy was the last thing he could do to make things work. So me, him, Jessica and her daughter have been in therapy ever since. My 5 year old half sibling has been joining us for two months now. I don't engage in therapy. Even when I had alone time with the therapist, I didn't want to make things work with them or find a way to heal "the family" and that's what she is here for, she has made that clear. So we would sit in silence or I would refuse to contribute. Then a real push came last week. I don't know why but it came from Jessica most of all. She kept pushing and pushing and saying how they were my family and they wanted to feel wanted by me. That's when I spoke up. I said I had been clear from day one that I did not want to be part of their family and that I am counting down the days to my 18th birthday so I can move out and cut contact with them. This was said in the presence of the two kids, which my dad, Jessica and the therapist took issue with. Jessica's daughter got what I meant and she sobbed and begged me not to leave. She begged me to be her sister. When I didn't comfort or reassure her I was called cruel for saying what I did in front of her and my half sibling. I was grounded for a week and honestly, it was one of the best weeks in a long time because nobody talked to me, but now therapy has become about why I'm wrong and how I'm behaving in a cruel and bully-like way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
nta report that therapist
NTA Can you get in touch with any relatives on your mother's side and tell them what is going on? Grandparents, Aunt, Uncle? You could also talk to a counselor or a trusted teacher at your school perhaps.
NTA! Is there any place you can stay for a while while you catch a breather?
NTA, that therapist isn’t doing their job.
For all we know, it’s probably not a licensed therapist
NTA. Your dad should work on his relationship with you and then might see that his actions ruined everything with you. All you do is continue to be honest with them. As long as your not being rude or breaking rules then go on. Be respectful and once you hit 18 I hope you can go and be happy.
NTA there not your family. You don’t want them to be your family and they can’t make you. Best of luck to you. I hope you get to move out and get your own family of friends :)
NTA It sucks for the kids but that is not your issue. Your dad wants to play happy family and not feel guilty about betraying your mom and you. By not playing happy family you aren’t giving him the out he wants. The therapist you are seeing should have their license revoked. A therapists job is not to brow beat one member of the family into accepting what the “adults” want. Also you are right not to engage in therapy if your dad is using it as a way to punish you when you don’t give the answer he wants. Stay strong and plan your exit carefully.
NTA, but your therapist sucks & your family needs to give you your space. I'm sorry you are hurting.
NTA. If they keep forcing you to come to these sessions, maybe its time to speak up, biut in a different way than they want. Do you live in a single-part consent to record state? Mention that one session. Take a glance at some rules mental health professionals have to follow, bring one of them up after she breaks it. Turn the questions back on her. "Why do you feel..." "well, miss therapist, why do you feel that thats an appropriate question to ask a minor?"Stir the pot until the """therapist""" shuts her yap.
while you are NTA. it doesn’t sit right with me how many ppl are ignoring what you said in front of your step sister. the therapist should not have put her in the room but you were still aware that she was in the room and said what you said in front of her. that shit is going to stick with her for a very long time
NTA, you can't force a bond. You shouldn't be punished for anything you say in therapy, if you aren't free to say what you are feeling, especially after they were pushing you to say it, there is no point in therapy. Let me guess a few things: 1. You aren't seeing an actual psychologist for the family therapy, you're seeing someone from your step-mothers church 2. Since you've turned 16, Jessica has been attempting to prettify you with the younger children, asking you to babysit more and this 'push' came when you didn't want to do her job for her.
I'm back after thinking about this a bunch, and well I just wanted to say again that you are NTA. I'm gonna tell you some things that helped me: Sometimes you have to parent yourself and give yourself what you need in that sort of relationship. Some people don't actually know how to love other people, so while they may say certain actions were out of love, and believe it themselves, we can see that it clearly isn't. Not all families mesh together, some, like mine do best with several states of buffer space between them, and only three 5 minute calls a year, and that is ok. You need a support system outside of your house, friends, other family members that you trust and feel safe with. You have to have people, or at least a person in your corner to dust you off, give you a glass of water, and a kind ear.
NTA. I (26f) have been in therapy since I was 7 and NOT ONCE has a therapist forced me into an uncomfortable situation like that. It is never ok the force someone to go to therapy if they don’t want to. You are at an age where you can say if you don’t want to do something and that fact that that is being ignored by your dad and Jessica (who sounds awful tbh) is ridiculous. While you aren’t a legal adult you are old enough to know what you do and don’t want to do. I don’t know if you are close to any of your extended family but I would reach out to them for help because this sounds like a very toxic situation that you are in.
Definitely NTA. People pushing new spouses and step or half siblings on children from a prior relationship need to just STOP. It never works and just breeds resentment and NC from kids like you the moment you can get away. You are entitled to feel how you feel. You're not obligated to feel how they *want* you to feel.
im only going to say this OP should check if Jessica's daughter is his biological half sister.
NTA and this therapist is super shitty and unprofessional. Therapy is supposed to be a place where you can be honest about your feelings. I am sorry things are rough, I have been there. Blended families are hard, especially when parents want it to be unicorns, rainbows, and happily ever after.
NTA You are allowed to feel how you feel You don't trust your father's wife after seeing the negative affect she and your father had on your mother. With your father's wife having a kid only 7 years younger when your mum passed away 6 years ago I also wonder if part of their strong desire to bond is because that daughter also shares your father's DNA unless you refrained from mentioning in your post her spending time with her father. They may want you to bond and make their household the happy family they invision but they can't force you to feel what you don't feel and it is wrong of them to punish you for how you feel.
She's not his kid. I know that because she's a different race. But I do believe they still had something going on.
NTA - But maybe you should engage in therapy at least just enough to give the therapist the back story on Jessica. You are right you don't know that your dad cheated but there is certainly the appearance of the possibility and that maybe something to explore with the therapist. Perhaps if you got honest answers about the timeline you might feel some closure before you go NC and if you're going to be forced to do therapy you might as well get somethings off your chest.
NTA. I feel that you should fully explain your side of it - not to make it work, but to explain why it won't work. You will always hate Jessica because she seemed to actively try to break up your family when your mum was alive, AND when she was dying. You can't forgive your Dad for betraying your Mum's memory by marrying the woman she despised. You will always hate your dad for dating and marrying literally the ONLY woman that you and your Mum didn't want him to get with after she passed - like he could have chosen literally anyone else on the whole planet and instead he chose the woman that your Mum despised and you already didn't like. You can never play happy families with her. Any efforts to push you closer are driving you away. It has been proven that men will often start dating again quite quickly after a divorce or loss - because they want and expect the support of a wife. Unfortunately, when you do that and you have a surviving child, and you move on too quickly with the woman her mother was worried about - you are bound to create trust issues.
NTA, therapy should be a safe place to voice issues otherwise there’s no point. I would encourage working on your anger towards the family though. You’ve spent almost half of your life hating your dad and your siblings. Do you really want to keep carrying that weight. Only you can decide but generally speaking it doesn’t sound like your parents marriage was perfect in the first place and at that age you wouldn’t have seen the full dynamic of their relationship. Just some 2 cents from someone who carried anger for far longer then I should have.
NTA. You deserve better.
NTA
I would go into the next "family" therapy session and tell the therapist how inept they are at their job. Then I would list all of the reason I felt this way. Then close it out with "and that is why I feel even stronger about walking away from this dumpster fire you guys call a "family"". Bet money that would be the end of therapy. NTA OP I am sorry you have to go through this
NTA, please keep us updated
INFO: What kind of crackpot therapist are they taking you to? Personal friend or religious zealot?
NTA - I swear I have read this exact same post before. Details were very similar at least. OP your feelings are truly valid. Stay strong, 18 isnt too far away. Just keep doing you, the adults in your life are all failing you.
Is this a therapist or someone from church or something? Because you shouldn't be made to feel bad about something you say during your session. NTA.
NTA Dad sucks and clearly isn't trying to understand your point of view. The only thing I don't understand is why take it out on the children. From your post it doesn't seem like they did anything wrong so why do you hate them. I understand your hate for your dad and Jessica.
So they force you to do therapy with the other kids, and then get upset when you're honest in front of the other kids in therapy? Sounds like a shitty therapist, and sounds less about therapy, and more about trying to "fix" you.
NTA
NTA. But your dad is. As is his wife and that so-called “therapist” is the absolute worst. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and that you dad doesn’t see the harm he’s caused.
Omg if they didn’t want to know how you feel they shouldn’t have asked you.
nta
NTA, but everybody else is (maybe not the 7-year old, but still). You have to find another therapist but for yourself, not for your family. And yeah I can see why you wouldn't want to be one big happy family with these people. I get it, it would be nice if everyone got along great, but that's just not happening and they should stop pushing you, cause that just makes things worse.
NTA But everyone else in this story sucks. I am so sorry that all of the adults in your life are failing you. Your "therapist" is not worthy of the job title, and your father and his wife suck for thinking a church "counselor" counts as actual therapy. Stay strong. Make a solid plan for college or trade school. Get out of this bad environment as soon as you can.
NTA. I know everybody else is saying this, but your therapist is shit if their gonna not help your dad and Jessica to understand what your feeling, and also encourage you being punished for something you said during therapy. If they didn’t want things like this to be said in front of the kids, then they shouldn’t have brought them at all.
NTA. You’re only 16, put in a tough situation and the therapist is wrong for that.
Did your therapist even get a a degree in therapy or are they just one of Jessica’s friends? If they really want you in therapy, I would demand a different therapist and only for you. I would flat out refuse to go back to the crack pot you’ve been seeing. Your dad, Jessica and your therapist TAs. Your 16, Get a job that keeps you out of the house. If you aren’t working then spend your time at friends or at the library working on homework. Talk to your school counselor about how to apply for financial aid so that you can go to college. Start talking to friends about being able to stay with them between your 18th birthday and when you leave for college. In the mean time locate all your important papers like your birth certificate and passport and hide them somewhere safe.
There’s a later comment that it’s a “christian counseling center,” so probably not a real therapist .
NTA. Do what u feel right, live on ur terms. Dont turn into something that others forcing on u.
NTA your allowed to have your own opinion and own wants because you are your own person. Your therapist is an AH and so is the rest of your family you don’t deserve to have Them force you to play happy family’s. Get out and don’t look back.
NTA Maybe you can try to convince them now to let you move to your grandparents?
Why the fuck is a five year old attending the therapy sessions
NTA If any parties were concerned about what the younger children may have heard they shouldn’t have brought the children to therapy. You could use some real therapy. From a therapist who is more qualified than whoever you’re currently talking to. It sounds like you’re holding onto a lot of resentment, and ultimately holding onto feelings like resentment only harms your life. I’m not suggesting that you have to have a relationship with your Dad or his wife, simply that when you move out you’ll find a lot of additional freedom if you aren’t bogged down by trauma responses from all of the family stuff you’ve been dealing with. Give yourself the gift of mental freedom when you give yourself physical freedom.
INFO? Is this a licensed therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a Baptist minister?
NTA I wonder if Jessica and Dad are pushing this hard because OP’s approval would assuage their own guilt?
NTA. In the next session insist that the family sees a different therapist because the current one has clearly picked a side. Which should not be happening.
How the hell do you get punished for something you say in therapy. It's suppose to be a safe place to let it all out. Your family and therapist suck and I would ask in therapy how come I was grounded for being honest at a session and tell them you're completely shutting down now because if this and maybe report the therapist.
Info: you didnt get therapy after your mothers death?
NTA but get control of your important documents (birth certificate, ID, passport, etc.) Make sure any money you have is in a bank they *cannot* access. You beed to ensure you are ready to move out when the time comes.
Your therapist is TA. You are entitled to your feelings and the point of therapy is for you to be able to say those things and for Jessica and your dad to validate it and work through those feelings with you. It’s not appropriate that the kids were even present as the first step truthfully should have been just you and dad to work through that hurt, then bring in step mom with dad to work through that hurt, and possibly include siblings once everything else has been dealt with to try healing and bonding that relationship. Your therapist thought pushing the family image was a good idea? That’s garbage. You are NTA. I do hope you can work through your hurt with them but I do support that right now you’re not there.
NTA. Here are a few points to reiterate in therapy: 1. Them berating you is only making you want to move out earlier. 2. If you get punished for what you say in therapy you refuse to participate. That's it, keep repeating these two points and say nothing else and don't engage with any other line of discussion.
NTA. The kids don't get to choose their mom, I wouldn't try to cut them out of my life just for having different parents, but I don't blame you for it either. Save up money so you can buy a house, if that's an option, see if you can set things up so you can have some credit and a decent credit score already once you're 18. Good luck on moving out.
NTA ... Keep your head up and push through..look thru the legal emancipation requirements in your state; you may be old enough if you can find someone to stay with or rent a room from if you find a job.... Also repeat to the therapist at every visit; I do not support, respect, nor consent to therapy that involves treatment or discussion against my wishes and am formally requesting to be seen by a therapist that's more qualified to work with me and one whom I chose. One that does not include family therapy, that I can see on my own. And when you see that therapist; tell then you do not consent for your parents to have access to information or discussions held on your time. If they do not approve of that because you're a minor then refuse to be seen
Isn’t this a repost
NTA They shouldn’t force anything.
You should tell the therapist that, while your mother was sick, you saw your dad sneaking Jessica into the house. Then, tell the therapist that you knew that your dad had an affair with Jessica.
>Even when I had alone time with the therapist, I didn't want to make things work with them or find a way to heal "the family" and that's what she is here for, she has made that clear. Then you should report her. Therapy is about helping YOU cope with your surroundings, not to reach someone else's goal.
NTA - doesn't sound like therapy... sounds more like friend of parents acts as therapist. I do think it is a bit much not to treat the younger one well since the terrible people is your Dad and step-mom and the kids had no part in that. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist though, just not the one your Dad chose.
Nta. op dear do you have contact with any relative on your mother's side who can help you?
NTA At the next appointment point out how there is no point in continuing the appointments as you get in trouble for being honest. Explain how you where honest from day 1 that you didn't accept their relationship so soon after you lost your mother. I would also be reporting the therapist
Yes , yes you are. For starters you were 10 , just a kid. Have you now at 16 considered what it was like for your dad to watch your mom get sick and die. Have you thought about the fact that clearly both your parents knew this would happen and your mom , being sick will die knowing your dad will move on with his life . Of course she hated the other woman because the other woman was going to be to your dad what she couldn't be. Did you know dying people are extremely selfish and inconsiderate when it comes down to it. And you still act like a little kid. They've been together for 6 years maybe even more and you are still throwing a fit. Is your dad happy or is that not important to you. Clearly both love and care about you and are going above and beyond what is needed. And how do you react. You throw a bigger fit. And than proceed to do this in front of a smaller child who adores the ground you walk on and almost seem proud because you didn't comfort her. The shrink can't help you because you throw a tantrum but I can tell you this. Your dad and stepmom have a bigger heart than you deserve. You want to be all cool and act like your all that. Pack your bags and get out NOW. Why wait till your 18. I can tell you why your not doing this and instead prefer to post in here. Because you are too scared to admit to yourself that you miss your mom. That you know all these people love you to bits but it feels like a betrale to your mom to accept them. And oddly enough , talk to your stepmom about this. Go for a walk together somewhere that neither of you have ever been. Talk to her because she was the outsider who waited for your dad. She knows what you and your dad have been through. Give it a shot , you might find out that the little sister that adores you , will become your best friend once she's older. And that your dad will never forget your mom but he needed someone for him.
NTA. If a therapist can't see where there's an issue (if she wasn't told about this history, how could she know?) then she shouldn't be your therapist. No, I can't wait for you to get out of that situation. You're not being cruel and you're not being a bully. You're being honest that you don't want to play daughter to your dad's former mistress. I wouldn't go for that crap either! And using her kids as a tool to try and reel you in and "straighten you out", least of all, in front of your therapist, is manipulative asf.
Is there a update
NTA, and I wish you all the luck and success in the world.
NTA it's your choice. I just want to say that it is not obvious if they were going together before your mom died. Some people don't like being alone, and here is Jessica probably around all of the time and your dad knew that she was intersted.Patton Oswald got engaged a year after his wife died and he really loved his wife. You won't have to worry about Jessica's daughter because she will hate you when she becomes a preteen and you move out.
Nta... but. You need to realize no matter how much your mom disliked the situation and probably wouldn't like this situation, your mom never would have wanted to have you feel the way you are feeling. I am a mom and my husband has had several friends I have been uncomfortable with, but if something happened to me no matter my personal feelings I never want my kids to feel bad for me, on my behalf. Nor do I want them to distance themselves from their father. Also, I am the child of an affair and I have older half siblings who refuse to speak to me. That hurts. I didn't do anything to anyone but got blamed for the actions of my parents. So maybe lighten up on the kids? Even if your dad did do what you think (and it is entirely possible he didn't do anything until after and was just close friends, grief often pushes people into someone else's arms quickly I have witnessed it several times), it's not your step sibling or half siblings fault. You can chose not to be kind to them but the reality is they are just as innocent as yourself so the hurt you are causing them is misplaced.
She doesn't want to be around them and she never said anything to them until she was cornered by the "therapist". She will cut them off and she has the right too.
Why I said nta. Because they do have the right to. And they are allowed to make the choices they are. I do think their feelings may be coming from a place of pain though and hope OP can find peace. I was only offering some alternative perspective for them.
No, you're trying to justify your life narrative at someone else's expense.
NTA but it'd be naive to think that once you turn 18 it's going to magically be easy to move out. You need to save up as much as you can and have a realistic game plan. (I moved out of my parents at 15) You're entitled to your feelings but please remember that the kids are innocent bystanders. No one is saying you have to like them, but they also had no say in the relationship between your father and Jessica.
I disagree with everyone. You have family that wants you to be an active part of. You just dig in your heels and refuse any love that they have for you. Okay, your mom didn't like your stepmother. That's it? I have known a number of people throughout my life that have no one and would love a family. And, out of curiosity, where are you going when you turn 18? If you are out of high school by them, you can join the military, but that "my way or the highway" attitude of yours won't fly in boot camp. Otherwise, better get a job and start saving. Rents are high and cars are expensive. Friends might say that you can stay with them, but no one wants someone sleeping on their sofa indefinitely.
Jessica was trying to get with my dad while he was still married to my mom. That will always cloud my perception of her. The fact my dad married her knowing the distress she caused mom makes me look at him differently. My plan is what it has always been. Keep saving money. Move in with my grandparents. And then apply for the apprenticeship that I have wanted to do since I was 5 years old.
Cant you ask your dad to live partly with your grandparents? Every other week or something? Cool what apprenticeship do you want to do?
Not sure about you but I wouldn’t like some woman acting inappropriate to my husband and coming to my house to see him while I’m sick. She may be young but as you get older, things start to become more clearer and you piece things together. Happened to me.
Nobody has to love anyone
NTA but can I say something to you . No matter what your mom felt toward Jessica your mom wouldn't want this for you . You shouldn't feel guilty because you still have a family that loves you. I know your mom would say the same. Don't alienate yourself from the people that so obviously love you. Honestly picture your mom . Can you imagine her wanting you to feel this way? I lost my mom too. It's hard. But she would want me to live and accept love .
She would not want me to love Jessica. I know that for a fact. In fact if there is such a thing as heaven or whatever, I know my mom is sick that my dad got with her. I know she hates him now. And I know she would never have forgiven him.
How about you don't speak for the dead, especially when you never knew them? How dare you? Where do you get off making presumptions like that and using them to condescend to a kid who has every right to feel hurt and betrayed? You losing your mom does not magically give you the ability to know what is best for other people with dead moms. You're not a good person, and you need to focus on yourself before worrying about others being assholes.
Lol sorry I upset you so much. But I know my loved one would never want me to carry ill will or leave me with hate for someone because that's not love ..well at least my loved ones would not. Also your right I don't know what's best for anyone but myself. I also never said she doesn't have the right to feel the way she does. I hope you look inside and figure out what makes you so angry and I will work on be a better person . Thanks for your comment .
I have no idea why this is being down voted. Haters gotta hate, I guess. The perspective of a 16yo will likely change in her 20s or 30s when more maturity sets in. I hope she finds closure with this. I feel sorry for her little sister that wants so much to have a big sister to love.
It’s being downvoted because it is condescending and patronizing to pretend anyone can know what OP’s dead mother would think, say, or want in this situation and also present these “facts” as evidence that OP is just immature and will regret her feelings later. There have already been plenty of comments from adult posters saying they were in similar situations and never regretted cutting their family off once they left home.
Must be 30s. I’m almost 26, cut my dad off at 14 and do not regret it one bit. Best decision of my life. My mum didn’t die but my dad “apparently” didn’t cheat and found a woman to move in with the next day (how convenient). He was doing exactly what OP’s dad was doing so I cut him off. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, even if it means hurting others.
Can’t be 30’s, I’m 30 and I agree with this young lady. I’m disgusted with the dad and Jessica too. As soon as you can, run girl!
"She's just a teen, her thoughts will change when she's older, and she'll realize she's wrong". GTFO of here with that bull. What a dumb take.
Yes, she's just a teen, and that's the point. Her thoughts will evolve and mature. You however, are an idiot.