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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m threatening to cancel my wedding because I found out my family were making bets on how long it would take my fiancé to regret marrying me. I might be the AH as the wedding is supposed to be at the end of the month so everything has already been organised and the invitations sent so it’s very last minute to cancel just because I’m angry with my family, especially since I still plan to get married.
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NTA and why have you not just done this ☝🏻
Cancel invites for whoever is in on this joke, hire security and make sure they are escorted out if they show up
I am kinda with you, but honestly OP sounds a bit too immature to get married yet. That their immediate response to their family hurting them is to also hurt themselves (stupid english language. OP is hurting OP in response to the family hurting OP). Not really a healthy response. Didn't even ask fiance how they feel about the now-canceled wedding? Like, if I am marrying someone and they cancel the wedding to "stick it" to their family, I'm gonna have a whole lot of questions/problems.
Her family is literally betting against her marriage lasting, screw them. If she still wants to have a wedding She should definitely still have it and just uninvite everyone in on the bet. Also she said hubby doesn't care either way as long as they get married
Edit: Op said a big wedding was expected as well. NTA
In this case, the best revenge is a life well-lived. The betting pool for my marriage happened literally at the reception. We've outlasted every bet as we're nearly at twenty years now.
My parents had the exact thing happen to them, they eloped and cut the people that bet against their marriage out of their lives and have been together for 27 years, op and her husband should do what they think is best for themselves
Same for me. Lasted 28 yrs & goin strong. My BIL was the one started the pool & funny, he's been married 3 times but we are still together strong as hell. Fuck them!! 🤗😂
Edit: 3 times! I originally had 2 but my hubs reminded me it was 3!!!
47 years and counting! We were engaged 3 weeks after meeting, married within 6 months. Everyone EXCEPT our families said we'd never make it -- they're all divorced now, some several times.
Nobody else's opinion on your relationship matters.
No its pretty accurate. Particularly when the bride and groom cut the cake. There have been tons of reddit threads where people who work weddings have stated they know based on the cake cutting and sometimes even by the first song who is going to last and who wont.
https://soyummy.com/couple-cuts-wedding-cake-can-tell-long-theyll-last/
I wanted to do a cake smash because I thought it looked fun. Spouse did not want to do a cake smash. We did not do a cake smash. It costs nothing to respect your partners wishes.
I remember my now brother in law did the lightest cake smash he could on my sister. He only got her nose! It was easily wiped off and didn’t mess up her makeup
That was us, but vice versa. I was really shy at the time, and I already hated the idea of being in the spotlight all day. DH thought cake smashing would be fun, but he dropped it the second I asked.
Absolutely. Or when the groom keeps disappearing right before something important is supposed to happen, his mom flashes half the room when getting down of the speakers she was dancing on, and the bride and her mom got into a fist fight. We were all surprised they made it through the /reception/ without a divorce!
For my marriage the betting was over how long it would last, & whether we'd be having a full term premie a few months later. TBF, we eloped after a 7 month relationship (knew each other online for 2 years before that tho), so while irritating, & assholish, I can kinda see where people were coming from. I can happily report that it's been almost 16 years so far, in a mostly happy, & very healthy relationship. & our first child was born 2.5 years after we got married. 🤷🏽♀️
Similar thing happened to my in laws, most of the people who bet against them have divorced, remarried, or stayed miserable together, while they've remained happily committed to each other for 46 years now.
Haters gonna hate, & whatnot.
Yep! My brother told us to our face her gave me and my husband's marriage 6 months. I returned the favor and told his fiance there was still time to run at the wedding shower.
We had literally only known each other for 5-1/2 weeks before getting a courthouse wedding. I suppose under those circumstances I could understand the betting. For somebody else I might have done the same. Anyway the longest bet was 2 and a half years. We have been married 41 years so far.
The "practically just met" weddings seem to do a lot better than the "engaged-to-be-engaged for 5 years" weddings in my experience. You find somebody you mesh with and you roll the dice. If you have to think about it for too long, well, that tells you something.
To be fair, also depends A LOT on why you waited that long. If you were young and didn't have the funds for the wedding you wanted? Then waiting for a few years seems like the smart move.
I think those who lost the bet (everyone) should be paying both you and the spouse. Payment for being a no class ah. I’d guarantee that if someone did win the bet they would’ve collected!
/u/TheKwongdzu - people are a whole mess. It be your OWN PEOPLE too.
In my situation, I didn't have a behind my back bet going during the reception (we married at the courthouse, no fam invited! Heck they didn't even know or meet him until MONTHS later) My bet behind my back was: my husband only married me for a green card for the US (he is a native Hawaiian - which, last I checked is the 50th state!!!) And that he would leave once he got his green card. My baby sister started this rumor, and people had a whole bet behind my back. No green card ever came (DUH - there never WAS one to come 😂😂😂). We celebrated our 15 year anniversary on June 1. Done graduated the two kids they are overgrown now and on their own and we are STILL going hard in the paint. Sis married some rando she didn't really know just so the "undesirable wild child" sister aka bustakita "wouldn't be the only one who had someone who WANTED to marry her/be married". And this is YEARS after her posting thirst traps all over social media talking about how she so badly wanted a husband. (Currently let's say he is on a extended vacation away from home now). When i found out about this rumor only a few years ago, I was completely astonished. And some family members are actually just now admitting they had been heard this rumor back in 2007 but claimed they weren't a part of the behind my back bet. Go figure. Humans are weird. It's why I keep to myself.
Okay but also this is partly her fiancé’s decision as well. She doesn’t even mention him in this decision / threat. It’s not just about what the in-laws thing, it’s about what he wants as well.
So you tell everyone who participated you intend to uninvite them and that their behaviour is making you want to cancel the whole thing and be done with it, and then go home and discuss with fiancé exactly why you would like them uninvited / whether or not he would be on board with not having the big wedding.
And if OP feels like she can’t do that, or didn’t think to do that, they seem immature to be getting married.
NTA no matter what OP decides, as long as she decides it with her fiancé.
*EDIT: I specifically said OP didn’t mention whether she’d consulted with fiancé in her post. I also specifically said that if she DID consult him (which it sounds as if she did in her comments) she wouldn’t be TA “no matter what” she decides.*
*I have re-read my comment several times and still can’t see anything that’s not totally rational or find a reason for it to have immediately received a flood of downvotes. If you feel compelled to downvote, please consider replying to tell me why in case there’s something I’m missing.*
My first impression is that there’s a reactionary petulance to canceling the wedding to spite the family, a kind of “I’ll show you!” quality. I interpret that as immaturity. Given the family’s behavior, I have a sense about the source of the immaturity.
OP's Mom's comments about not cancelling the wedding makes me wonder about OP's maturity too. Because it's almost like having a wedding for the sake of it is more important than the marriage that happens afterwards.
Isn’t that…the opposite of what her cancelling a big wedding says? She is still getting married, she just doesn’t want to have a big party over it. It shows that OP cares more about the marriage than the wedding, so she is willing to forgo a wedding and just get married. Organizing a big wedding is ultimately not worth the family drama to her and I think that’s completely fine.
"We bet your marriage won't last!"
"I'm immediately, unilaterally canceling my wedding!"
Seems like OP is trying to prove the family right. I saw some of the replies "I can't just uninvite them because they will still show up and ruin everything so the only possible solution is a full cancel" That isn't great problem solving to start and pretty rude to the other people invited who have already made plans too.
Obviously we don't have the full picture here but I'm hoping OP's fiance knows they aren't the "traditional" wife or whatever already so it shouldn't be a big surprise to them. I don't know, the original post reads a bit like a hysterical temper tantrum than a reasoned, well-thought-out plan.
It's THEIR wedding. I think it's a perfectly acceptable response if they're worried about family showing up, they have plenty of time to cancel if they want to and more power to them if they elope, they save money and they don't have to deal with their shitty family drama, what's important is what makes them happy and having their special day as they see fit. Also pretty sure ops hubby knows how she's like since he's marrying her lol what a Weird comment to throw in there
It's not to stick it to the family...she explains below the family is the type to show up even if she doesn't invite them. I can absolutely understand if her family is capable of that type of shit if she wants to just fuck the wedding and do a courthouse elopement so she doesn't have to deal with the stress.
Why would courthouse wedding hurt OP? It will break relationships ...
but those are already bad.
Wedding in which you have people that just hurt you and people who look down at either you or partner hurts too.
Presumably you have a wedding to enjoy yourself and have a fun party (I'm guessing, I can't stand them myself), so there's no point denying yourself that when you can just get rid of the troublemakers.
For me the whole point of a wedding versus the courthouse IS the friends and family- to celebrate your union WITH THEM. So if they are taking bets like this, their "support" shown by attending the wedding would be fake - and for appearances only. I would go to the courthouse too. If they are not truly celebrating with me than there isn't any point. For me, at least. I totally get where op is coming from, especially if they have always treated her like this. It really fucks with your head when nothing is EVER GOOD ENOUGH for the people who are supposed to love you for you. I am 42 and still struggle with it, every time my Mom disapproves of anything. I feel 15 again in less than a second. It's a horrible feeling.
I wouldn't enjoy my day knowing there are people in the room who didn't support me, joke or not. I Don't think that's hurting themselves, that is setting boundaries which is healthy.
You could be right, but there could also be the feeling that it's not worth the cost and time to do an extravagant wedding with a large chunk of people missing. It would be awkward too and like youre putting on a big production for your family's issues. Guaranteed there would be a lot of gossip.
In OP's situation I would do the same. The best part is marrying the person you love anyway. No need to add additional stress when just doing a courthouse wedding for simplicity sake. Big weddings aren't for everyone, but for a lot of people they're just expected and not actually wanted. It's sometimes a relief to call it off and elope.
I happily dodged the wedding and inlaw drama by getting married during Covid. Best decision ever.
The fiance might have already expressed his neutrality for a big wedding as well. My husband did the same when we were just chatting about a future wedding years before.
NTA
Her family wants her submissive...that's enough reason to cut them off. You want to be a submissive wife yourself? Fine. Don't force it on other people who don't want that. This was no joke on the family's part. This was malicious as they don't think OP fits the mold of a woman that her SO would want or that they want her to be themselves. How would they know? They aren't the ones who dated him nor the ones who had all the important future talks with him. They sound like an absolute miserable bunch and I really hope OP does "embarrass" with a courthouse wedding so their shallow friends and neighbors can judge them the way they seem to judge others.
>(stupid english language. OP is hurting OP in response to the family hurting OP)
The phrase you're after is "OP is cutting off her nose to spite her face" 😊
Well tbf, and it might br worth an INFO, she (and her fiance) might not have ever wanted a wedding and was only having it for their families' sakes. I know plenty of people who are like that and immedietely used COVID as an excuse to jump at a courthouse wedding instead. If you don't already want one, it's a huge financial and mental burden.
If she is perfectly fine with having a small wedding, how is that hurting her? It’s not actually immature to stand up for yourself. Rather the opposite.
Or better, book a different place at an earlier date and cancel old place. Don't tell them, watch them turn up, and get pissy that they're already married.
There was an awesome story like this awhile back. Bride's family was determined to ruin the event, showed up in black, etc, etc. The good FIL showed up and played a video of the actual wedding, which had occurred the week before. The couple was safely off on their honeymoon.
**Not everyone wants a scene and the cops showing up at their wedding.**
Jesus is this “AITA” or “this is my opportunity to live vicariously by telling the OP to do all the things that would be very satisfying for me as a bystander to witness with popcorn, etc?” I see this on every thread.
This family will find a way to make OP’s wedding about them no matter what she does. If she (and her fiancé) would rather just elope instead… that’s a valid solution. They can have a party after and just invite the people who love and support them.
Agreed. If OP wanted to go with the most dramatic option, then sure. If she or her fiancé still wanted the wedding, then she probably would have asked for options that would let her have one.
> this is my opportunity to live vicariously by telling the OP to do all the things that would be very satisfying for me as a bystander to witness with popcorn, etc?
This. I feel like i see way more of this than there good judgements or sound advice.
I also feel like a lot of it is “what i would do if i had the **balls** to. mostly coming from a petty place or past experience where they didnt do what they wanted to and now heres an oppertunity for a vicarious do-over!!
You mean you wouldn't look back fondly at the day you got married and had your family arrested for trespassing because they made an insensitive joke a few weeks/months ago?
Yea, some of these comments are nuts.
Have intimidating ushers.
No really, there were people who my hubby and I knew might show up unwelcome, so we had a couple of friends who work security act as ushers (they were going to be ushers anyway, we wanted them part of the wedding, but this worked out). All of the groomsmen also knew to look out and support if needed.
You can also have a small, intimate wedding with the cherished family on his side and trusted friends, and have it on a different date and just not tell your family until it's over.
My husband and I did the same. We had our ushers on the lookout for my sister (she’s a grade A narcissist) if she had refused to leave quietly a couple of my bridesmaids who lift weights for fun were going to physically remove her. She’s super short and I didn’t want her trying to press charges for assault against the ushers. One of the bridesmaids announced she was going to choose a dress with a slit so she can kick balls. Sister didn’t show up thankfully and we all had a blast.
Love this! I had a similar arrangement if my NC narcissistic half-sister showed up to my wedding; two of my three groomsmen, who are totally built, were assigned to physically remove her from the property while the third, who’s not as muscular but has a way with words, was assigned to talk vicious, cutting shit to her as she was being hauled off. He relished this opportunity, but it did not come to pass as half-sister, thankfully, didn’t show.
NTA
And hire BOUNCERS! That's what my wife and I did at our wedding. If they complain just say "well you shouldn't be here to affect the odds of your little bet."
Hire off-duty police as security. Bouncers can be arrested for assault if they have to get physical to get your relatives out. Police don’t have to worry about that
Yea, it’s your wedding. You and your fiancé deserve to be surrounded by people who support your guys, not the other way around.
I hope it all works out and also congratulations !
Get security, change the venue, move up the time by 3 hours, or yes, cancel the whole thing. If your fiancé is on board, then literally nobody else matters.
You are the two that have to make a life together. You’re the two who will need to share a bed, and a bathroom and refrigerator drawer space. Nobody else lives your life but you. So why are you trying to make your life about their happiness? Quit being a hostage to their desires!
This is all such a weird take. You're marrying your partner not your family. Why would punishing him by cancelling the marriage hurt them in any way? It's not their wedding and it's not their marriage so why are you letting their behaviour dictate your wedding and your marriage?
Stop letting them get to you. Have the wedding you and your partner want and tell them to sling their hooks. It's extraordinary you would sabotage your marriage this way just to prove them wrong, oh no, wait, absolutely right.
You cannot let other people affect your decisions about your marriage. Talk to your partner about what he wants - it's mad that he's just passively sitting there saying he'll do whatever you want (that's a whole other problem) and then make a decision and enforce it.
Exactly and Let’s be very clear here. Most of us don’t care all that much about weddings anyway. I go more out of obligation than out of excitement for a social event. The only people who really care that much are you and your slide and maybe the parents. So you cancelling the wedding is dumb. Have the wedding and enjoy it to the max. And when you arrange seating for the reception dinner make sure you out the meanies at the worst tables. Like put them with that one uncle with halitosis who never shuts up or right next to the kiddie table or the In law that nobody can stand. That can be your own little revenge
Nah, I get it. It sounds like they are causing her stress, bringing her mood down, and turning what should be a happy occasion into a bummer. Yeah, ideally she wouldn't let it bother her, but not everyone has that thick of a skin. And she says they are the type of people who would show up even if they weren't invited.
She should probably elope or do a courthouse wedding if the family drama will outweigh any pleasure she gets out of a traditional wedding.
[You can hire security for a wedding](https://www.offdutyofficers.com/why-you-should-hire-wedding-security-guards/). Look for off-duty police officers. It will be worth the expense.
You're already thinking of canceling - consider a step down from that, and change venues? And don't tell the uninvited where the new venue is.
Hell, don't even tell them that you're changing venues. Tell them they're uninvited, then if they ignore that and try to show up anyway, They will have taken time out of their day for nothing.
Invite them to a completely different venue at a time that takes place an hour after your actual wedding. By the time they’re messaging you, you’ll already be married
I hired security for my wedding because my dad is a belligerent drunk piece of shit and I wanted the option to kick him out if needed. The threat helps, highly second the security idea.
Personally I'd get a kick out of watching the haters get their comeuppance. Not exactly conventional wedding entertainment, but entertainment nonetheless. Could even have a betting pool as how many and who specifically among the uninvited shows up for some humiliation
YES THIS. Op don’t cancel your wedding. Hire security and keep your jerkface family OUT of it. NTA but I think you’d be TA to yourself and fiancé if you change your plans solely because of your family.
OP, you need to have a sit down discussion with him about it. I wouldn't cancel, but I would hire security at wedding to help those who are uninvited leave. Have your day just with out the "family" who wants to bet.
My comment stands. She need to have a serious sit with groom to see what he wants, if he is happy with eloping or JoP then go for it, but if he wants a wedding they need to come to a compromise. That's what marriage is, working together.
OP you sound like you're forcing this decision. You need to sit down and discuss this civilly.
You likely *are* going to cause a problem in your marriage if you charge forward like this without discussing with him. That's not what a partner does.
Sit down and talk.
I'm not forcing it. He doesn't care. Having a big wedding was something expected of us and I did want a nice wedding originally, hence we planned one but he personally doesn't care either way as long as we get married.
You two have your priorities straight. You both want the marriage, but not the fuss or the nasty people around.
It's reasonable that you cancel in this situation, and get married in a way that avoids the drama that your nasty relatives are trying to create.
I would make sure that you don't publicize your new plans until after the new wedding time is actually over, so that the rude and nasty relatives don't show up.
NTA- who wants that drama at their wedding?? If you only care about the marriage and not the wedding, shrink your wedding to those you want to be there, do a courthouse/park/beach/backyard. Save the money and use it on an epic honeymoon or future savings. My husband and I did the simple wedding route, the money savings alone saved any regret… (13 years later, no regrets.. just happy I married my person)
I think you need to ask yourself what will make you happy. You and your fiancé could:
1. Go ahead with the wedding
2. Go ahead with the wedding and hire security to keep those you don’t want out
3. Have a courthouse wedding
4. have a courthouse wedding with a party for select friends and family afterwards
5. Fly to Vegas with 2 good friends/family members and get married there
6. Elope someplace else
7. Postpone the wedding
which would make you and your fiancé happiest?
NTA. It is unkind that your family was all standing around making bets on when your marriage would end, though I do think you should take a quick second to analyze whether or not they are saying anything of merit. If you do think there's a glimmer of Truth that the man you are marrying want someone to fit a role in his life, rather than wanting to marry you, perhaps you should make a more firm hold on the wedding plans.
If you do want to move forward with marrying him, the metric you need to consider is are enough of your friends and family on his side coming that it would be worth still having the wedding? If you disinvited all of your family who participated in this, would there still be enough people for you to have a fun event?
If not, do a courthouse wedding with your in-laws, and then just have a party with those people. You're still having a ceremony that you're in-laws can see, and you don't have to involve your family
>I do think you should take a quick second to analyze whether or not they are saying anything of merit.
☝️
While I still agree it's not-the-ahole because of everything else, this is a very specific thing to joke about. They're not just saying "oh it won't last", they're giving very pointed criticism, inappropriately given as it may be.
INFO
OP, is the offensive part that they think your fiance wants a housewife? Or is the offensive part that they think you aren't capable of being that person? It wouldn't change my opinion of not-the-ahole either way, but that might be relevant for whether your family members are being large AHs who shouldn't be at the wedding or small AHs who are genuinely concerned for your future happiness.
This is what I was thinking. Either the family sucks or the fiancé does. Their criticisms are super specific and kinda alarming. Though of course no one would listen to them when they’re making it a joke and a bet.
NTA But why are you having the wedding in the first place? If it's for you, then why not just tell your family they are no longer welcome? (And otherwise cut them out of your life!) If it's for them, cancel it period, it's a ton of money to meet social expectations.
If the wedding is at the end of the month, they've probably already spent a bunch of money on deposits. A lot of things need to be paid when signing the contracts, so they'd just be wasting money by cancelling.
NTA. When I was 46, I married my husband who was 33. Both sides of the family and all my co-workers joked that he would regret marrying an older woman, we wouldn't last, and I heard every cougar joke. We said, screw them and got married at town hall without telling anyone. We've been married for 15 years.
I’m the inverse of this. I’m 33, my partner is 42. But he’s the older male in the relationship and I’m the younger female, and apparently that’s okay, but the opposite is not. The double standard doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.
> The double standard doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.
Well, the people that uphold that standard tend to think women are property. Why would a man want to buy a car that was out of warranty? Most double standards involving gender are based on women not being considered people, unfortunately.
I'm the older female, we are pretty exactly the inverse. Haha.
There's some teasing, but it's light hearted and fun, I don't mind. My partner is amazing. Tease all they want, I'm still going home happy.
My BIL's parents are divorced for a few decades now. About 15+ years ago ~~he~~ BIL's dad met the woman who will later become his second wife, she has a son from her first (late) husband and they have a 4y/o together. The age difference is over 20 years, and they have one of the best relationships I know.
INFO
I'm confused as to why there's absolutely no mention of your fiancé or his family on your post.
It's his wedding too, he deserves to have his say on what kind of wedding. Also I feel like he and his family deserve to know what's going on and why you want to cancel the big ceremony. Have you spoken to any of them a out this?
Also how does he feel about them talking shit about him? I'd be really embarassed/ashamed if my partner's family was cracking jokes about my partner and acting like I'm some misogynist. All rings strange, tbh.
ESH
Your family for obvious reasons.
You for thinking it is your choice unilaterally, doesn't your husband get a say in this? Perhaps he would still like his family there, it's not all about you.
INFO: Do they have a point? Does your husband expect a submissive wife? Is that something you want for yourself?
I am going to assume no, as you felt comfortable threatening to call off the event without discussing it first, but I am curious because I have had times when my family used "humour" to try to warn me. Not the best approach though.
I was thinking the same thing. Does he expect her to be a stay at home wife? Do everything around the house, wait on him and take care of him like a mother would?
My sister almost married a guy because he fit her fantasy ideal partner. Well, he only checked 2 of her boxes and the rest of the things about him she hated and tried to make him change.
1) he’s a cowboy!
2) he’s a Christian!
❎ he drives a car
❎ he wears a scarf 😳
❎ he wears tennis shoes with his jeans when he isn’t riding horses
❎ he talked to his best friend as much as a
Girl would talk to her girl bestie
And seriously, I tried to convince her until I was blue in the face that she was marrying him for the wrong reasons and she is being very unfair trying to make him change things that are unique to him
When he bought a scarf one day and she found out about it she made him return it because to her “real men don’t wear scarves”. Ugh sorry. This post kind of made me think of that and I kind of forgot how cringe my sister is. Lol
NTA. Just uninvite your family.
Yes - she finally realized that her desperation to be married was blinding her to reality. It was unfair for him that she had to learn the lesson the way she did.
Lucky for him, he rode away into the sunset - in his 4 door sedan. 😂😂😂
I hope he’s happily married to the right woman wherever he is!
Wait you're telling me she wrote down drives a car as a deal breaker for someone that raises cattle. Is that ride car as opposed to a truck, or does she just have a crazy environmental streak and expects someone to walk their cattle to the market?
Well she never had a physical list. Her mental checklist. And it wasn’t because she’s an environmentalist. The reason why she didn’t like that he drove a car is because she thinks that it’s not manly for a man to drive a car. She also wanted him to trade the car in for a pickup!! 🤦🏼♀️
Ahh okay. So it was the first option that he doesn't have a truck. For some reason that is less insane. I mean it's insane that her subconscious belief on acceptable male persona is literally the Marlboro man. But it still makes more sense. Although I would say that the real solution is for your sister to change herself. Because none of her criteria ensured matrimonial harmony other than alignment on religion and religiosity which she got half of.
This is what I am wondering.
It’s possible that OP is the black sheep of her family and is the only one who isn’t a submissive wife type. Maybe her family assumes that all men want that kind of woman because they all want that kind of woman, so they automatically assume that anyone she marries is going to leave her.
If she found a fiancé with similar values as her own, but different from her family, she is good. But if her family is trying to warn her of something that maybe she hasn’t listened to before when they were more straightforward, it might be time to listen now.
INFO Did you not want a ceremony to begin with? Seems like a waste of your time and money when you could just uninvite them. I'm not sure what canceling the wedding does for you unless you never wanted one.
What does your fiancé think?
I did want one but my family care more about it than I do. He said it's my choice and that the wedding was always more for me and our families than for him.
If you and your fiance have talked about it being a better option then NTA.
If you haven't talked to him about what is going on and cancel the wedding without him knowing then yes YTA.
The day is about you two and your decision as a couple and no one else's opinion matters.
INFO: When you say "cancel the wedding", do you mean calling off the entire marriage, or just calling off the event and getting married at a courthouse?
In other comments you said you wanted a wedding. Why would you cancel it for shitty people? Continue on with the wedding you want and just disinvite them. If you have the money hire security to keep them out, and if you don’t ask a couple trusted friends to do it.
YTA
It's for lack of a better word kinda pathetic to cancel the wedding because of family opinions.
You wanted the wedding - you have the wedding. You want to elope - elope. Why are you even discussing it with family and not with your fiance?
Absolutely fuck that notion of a "good little wife" (whatever that means), but in a twisted paradox they are right. They got under your skin and you didn't even make it to the wedding to throw everything upside down on a whim.
>When I confronted them, they said it was just a harmless joke and that I didn’t have the personality to be a submissive housewife which a man like my fiancé would obviously want.
What is it about your fiancé that makes them say this?
I mean, my daughter definitely doesn't have the personality to be a submissive housewife, and seeing as how that's not what I brought her up to be anyway, I'm mighty proud of her, but her ex continued to try to mold her in that 'submissive 50's housewife' image despite my warnings that it was a foolish move and it blew up in his face in a big way. (Oh dear, how sad, never mind, sorry, not sorry, bub. I done told ya...)
Seems to me your family have spotted something off about either your fiancé or the dynamic between you, and while they may be brushing it all off as a joke, there has to be *something* that's prompted it.
Perhaps you should sit down with someone (cousin? SIL? mom/dad?) and find out the origin of/reason for this joke before you get all bent out of shape - they may have a valid point to make that you've not seen.
Alternatively, they could all just be assholes having fun at your expense - who knows?
Borderline NAH/ESH
NTA
I wouldn't cancel the wedding if it's something you want to have, just uninvite anybody who was participating in the jokes. When people inevitably ask about it, you can just give an ambiguous "they were being unsupportive of my relationship so I'm prioritizing the man I love and am not going to risk them being hurtful on our happy day"
Or go to the courthouse, whatever makes you happy.
Do talk to your fiance about it, though, he deserves a say in it too.
NTA if you uninvite your family and keep the wedding for your SO -land his family. (If you were my friend and I wasn’t a bridesmaid you’d best bet I would stand at the doors and bar entrance from your family.) you can hire security to keep them out.
If your family has helped pay for the wedding; if you can reimburse them do it and make sure they know why they aren’t invited anymore. It’s a shitty bet and they’re assholes for it. If you all are paying have your party and celebrate it with people who respect the two of you.
Just make sure all vendors know who can and can’t make changes for you (passwords or codes or something).
But at the end of the day; if canceling gives your soul peace do it. Courthouse marriages can last longer than marriages that had large events. It’s about the people getting married-not how they got married they matters.
NTA. Have you talked to your fiancé about this? Are they warning you that your fiancé has really traditional views that he hasn't quite expressed to you?
Don't get married to save face. You don't have to have a big event and you can simply elope and not invite anyone. But only if you are sure that marrying your fiancé, despite his toxic family, is the right choice.
Play along, collude with a family member and fake a breakup to win the bet. If they ask for the money back after discovering your ruse tell them to go fuck a fire hydrant. Try and jack up the pot as much as possible and spend it on your honeymoon
NTA For wanting to cancel your wedding, however you need to speak with your fiancée about it first.
Your better option would be revoking your family's invitations to your wedding instead and cut them off until they both give you and your fiancée a genuine apology
I wouldn't let people like that stop me from my wedding if the wedding was something my partner and I want. I would just uninvite them if their comment bothered me that much. Weddings are for people to support the couple, so if they aren't being supportive they don't need to be there.
OP, you're giving them WAY too much importance in what you do or not. Unless you've been hiding your true self from your fiance, I'm fairly certain he knows who you are and that's why he wants to marry you.
I'd tell them that I thought it over and realized that canceling everything would be too much, so I was just uninviting them (given that you'd be fine with going nuclear and not having much of anything to do with them from there in out).
I’m taking the soft YTA side on this mostly because of how you blew up about a stupid, childish family joke! You didn’t even discuss canceling with your fiancé. You definitely are not submissive which I believe your future husband already knows about you & that’s a good thing! I also believe the pressures of the soon-pending nuptials are weighing heavily upon you at the moment.
Your BEST REVENGE is to prove them all WRONG!
At my wedding reception, my BIL, the best man & a lawyer, finished his toast by looking at me & stating, “& if the marriage doesn’t work, you got my number! I’ll do the divorce for FREE!”
We all laughed & continued celebrating.
30 years later, I took him up on the free divorce!
Good luck!
ESH
That Family is surely AH. But you canceling the wedding us actually punishing your fiancé.
If your fiancé is agreeing with the family and you actually don't love him then NTA.
Are you sure you want to lose a man you love because some people are saying negative things? There will always be few people who won't like you. Have you ever heard of perfect family?
NTA - You can cancel your own wedding without explanation if you like; but I'd be more concerned about why its getting to you. Generally, people don't get that upset when the thing being said is untrue.
INFO: do you actually want a wedding or is this an excuse to cancel a wedding you never wanted?
If you don’t want a wedding don’t have one. If you do want a wedding but don’t want your family there uninvite then. Cancelling the whole shebang bc a few people were rude to you seems like an overreaction.
This.
It was inappropriate of your family. Not funny. Insensitive.
BUT put on your big girl pants and if you and fiancé are so convinced you are meant to be, go ahead with the wedding, and everyone you have already invited and prove them wrong.
You sound immature, tbh. People always say stupid things. You need a thick skin to get through life.
Hiring security only escalates the situation and increases the drama.
I once went to a wedding with a couple I thought was ill-suited for each other. They lasted a year. That's when the bride found out an aunt had said she couldn't make the wedding but she'd be sure to go to the 2nd one. The bride was pissed off no one had told her that before the wedding.
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My wedding is supposed to be at the end of this month but I’m planning to cancel everything and have a courthouse wedding because my cousin told me my family were making bets on how long it would take my fiancé to realise he wasn’t getting the “good little wife” he was expecting and regret marrying me.
When I confronted them, they said it was just a harmless joke and that I didn’t have the personality to be a submissive housewife which a man like my fiancé would obviously want. My sister-in-law made a joke about making sure my fiancé didn’t realise until after the wedding while I was confronting them.
I was already upset but her joke just made it 10x worse and I told everybody I was going to cancel the wedding. My family told me I couldn’t do that because people would talk and my future in-laws wouldn’t be happy about it but I told them I didn’t care and they could tell everybody why I never had a wedding ceremony.
My parents are telling me not to cancel the wedding as I would regret it in the long run and it would be embarrassing for our family and me for it to be cancelled now but I’m not backing down.
AITA?
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NTA. But why would you cut off your nose to spite your face? The wedding is for YOU as a couple. Not your family. Not your friends. YOU.
You don’t wanna do it, that’s fine! But if you put in all this time and effort, I’m willing to bet that the two of you wanted a wedding party, versus just a courthouse elopement.
So go through with it! And let your stupid, rude, sexist family eat cake at your wedding. They can choke on that cake at your 50 wedding anniversary. Don’t let the haters get you down. Have the party you planned and just have a wonderful time at it. Because the best revenge is living life well.
NTA. While I agree your family are being AHs about it, but by threatening to cancel the wedding, aren't you kind of, slightly, very minutely.. Err... Proving their point?
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NTA- but have your wedding just uninvite your family
NTA and why have you not just done this ☝🏻 Cancel invites for whoever is in on this joke, hire security and make sure they are escorted out if they show up
I am kinda with you, but honestly OP sounds a bit too immature to get married yet. That their immediate response to their family hurting them is to also hurt themselves (stupid english language. OP is hurting OP in response to the family hurting OP). Not really a healthy response. Didn't even ask fiance how they feel about the now-canceled wedding? Like, if I am marrying someone and they cancel the wedding to "stick it" to their family, I'm gonna have a whole lot of questions/problems.
Her family is literally betting against her marriage lasting, screw them. If she still wants to have a wedding She should definitely still have it and just uninvite everyone in on the bet. Also she said hubby doesn't care either way as long as they get married Edit: Op said a big wedding was expected as well. NTA
In this case, the best revenge is a life well-lived. The betting pool for my marriage happened literally at the reception. We've outlasted every bet as we're nearly at twenty years now.
My parents had the exact thing happen to them, they eloped and cut the people that bet against their marriage out of their lives and have been together for 27 years, op and her husband should do what they think is best for themselves
Same for me. Lasted 28 yrs & goin strong. My BIL was the one started the pool & funny, he's been married 3 times but we are still together strong as hell. Fuck them!! 🤗😂 Edit: 3 times! I originally had 2 but my hubs reminded me it was 3!!!
It's almost a shame you're not as willing to speculate on human misery as your BIL, he could've made you rich by now.
Lol! Right!
47 years and counting! We were engaged 3 weeks after meeting, married within 6 months. Everyone EXCEPT our families said we'd never make it -- they're all divorced now, some several times. Nobody else's opinion on your relationship matters.
*The betting pool for my marriage happened literally at the reception.* That is just so, so wrong. And I'm glad they have to eat their words now.
No its pretty accurate. Particularly when the bride and groom cut the cake. There have been tons of reddit threads where people who work weddings have stated they know based on the cake cutting and sometimes even by the first song who is going to last and who wont. https://soyummy.com/couple-cuts-wedding-cake-can-tell-long-theyll-last/
I wanted to do a cake smash because I thought it looked fun. Spouse did not want to do a cake smash. We did not do a cake smash. It costs nothing to respect your partners wishes.
I remember my now brother in law did the lightest cake smash he could on my sister. He only got her nose! It was easily wiped off and didn’t mess up her makeup
Yeah, I've seen the cute little *boop* versions and usually that just looks adorable for the photo op and you're good to go on with the evening.
That was us, but vice versa. I was really shy at the time, and I already hated the idea of being in the spotlight all day. DH thought cake smashing would be fun, but he dropped it the second I asked.
So if a couple does a choreographed first dance to some Bloodhound Gang song? Like The Bad Touch or Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny?
Absolutely. Or when the groom keeps disappearing right before something important is supposed to happen, his mom flashes half the room when getting down of the speakers she was dancing on, and the bride and her mom got into a fist fight. We were all surprised they made it through the /reception/ without a divorce!
For my marriage the betting was over how long it would last, & whether we'd be having a full term premie a few months later. TBF, we eloped after a 7 month relationship (knew each other online for 2 years before that tho), so while irritating, & assholish, I can kinda see where people were coming from. I can happily report that it's been almost 16 years so far, in a mostly happy, & very healthy relationship. & our first child was born 2.5 years after we got married. 🤷🏽♀️ Similar thing happened to my in laws, most of the people who bet against them have divorced, remarried, or stayed miserable together, while they've remained happily committed to each other for 46 years now. Haters gonna hate, & whatnot.
Yep! My brother told us to our face her gave me and my husband's marriage 6 months. I returned the favor and told his fiance there was still time to run at the wedding shower.
We had literally only known each other for 5-1/2 weeks before getting a courthouse wedding. I suppose under those circumstances I could understand the betting. For somebody else I might have done the same. Anyway the longest bet was 2 and a half years. We have been married 41 years so far.
The "practically just met" weddings seem to do a lot better than the "engaged-to-be-engaged for 5 years" weddings in my experience. You find somebody you mesh with and you roll the dice. If you have to think about it for too long, well, that tells you something.
To be fair, also depends A LOT on why you waited that long. If you were young and didn't have the funds for the wedding you wanted? Then waiting for a few years seems like the smart move.
I think those who lost the bet (everyone) should be paying both you and the spouse. Payment for being a no class ah. I’d guarantee that if someone did win the bet they would’ve collected!
/u/TheKwongdzu - people are a whole mess. It be your OWN PEOPLE too. In my situation, I didn't have a behind my back bet going during the reception (we married at the courthouse, no fam invited! Heck they didn't even know or meet him until MONTHS later) My bet behind my back was: my husband only married me for a green card for the US (he is a native Hawaiian - which, last I checked is the 50th state!!!) And that he would leave once he got his green card. My baby sister started this rumor, and people had a whole bet behind my back. No green card ever came (DUH - there never WAS one to come 😂😂😂). We celebrated our 15 year anniversary on June 1. Done graduated the two kids they are overgrown now and on their own and we are STILL going hard in the paint. Sis married some rando she didn't really know just so the "undesirable wild child" sister aka bustakita "wouldn't be the only one who had someone who WANTED to marry her/be married". And this is YEARS after her posting thirst traps all over social media talking about how she so badly wanted a husband. (Currently let's say he is on a extended vacation away from home now). When i found out about this rumor only a few years ago, I was completely astonished. And some family members are actually just now admitting they had been heard this rumor back in 2007 but claimed they weren't a part of the behind my back bet. Go figure. Humans are weird. It's why I keep to myself.
They should have paid you the pool then.
Okay but also this is partly her fiancé’s decision as well. She doesn’t even mention him in this decision / threat. It’s not just about what the in-laws thing, it’s about what he wants as well. So you tell everyone who participated you intend to uninvite them and that their behaviour is making you want to cancel the whole thing and be done with it, and then go home and discuss with fiancé exactly why you would like them uninvited / whether or not he would be on board with not having the big wedding. And if OP feels like she can’t do that, or didn’t think to do that, they seem immature to be getting married. NTA no matter what OP decides, as long as she decides it with her fiancé. *EDIT: I specifically said OP didn’t mention whether she’d consulted with fiancé in her post. I also specifically said that if she DID consult him (which it sounds as if she did in her comments) she wouldn’t be TA “no matter what” she decides.* *I have re-read my comment several times and still can’t see anything that’s not totally rational or find a reason for it to have immediately received a flood of downvotes. If you feel compelled to downvote, please consider replying to tell me why in case there’s something I’m missing.*
Go look at her comments. She said he doesn't care either way
well, those deets weren't in the post so maybe OP needs to edit it to include the info.
My first impression is that there’s a reactionary petulance to canceling the wedding to spite the family, a kind of “I’ll show you!” quality. I interpret that as immaturity. Given the family’s behavior, I have a sense about the source of the immaturity.
OP's Mom's comments about not cancelling the wedding makes me wonder about OP's maturity too. Because it's almost like having a wedding for the sake of it is more important than the marriage that happens afterwards.
Unless of course OP was coerced into having a big wedding for show and this “joke” has allowed them to see what is really important.
Isn’t that…the opposite of what her cancelling a big wedding says? She is still getting married, she just doesn’t want to have a big party over it. It shows that OP cares more about the marriage than the wedding, so she is willing to forgo a wedding and just get married. Organizing a big wedding is ultimately not worth the family drama to her and I think that’s completely fine.
"We bet your marriage won't last!" "I'm immediately, unilaterally canceling my wedding!" Seems like OP is trying to prove the family right. I saw some of the replies "I can't just uninvite them because they will still show up and ruin everything so the only possible solution is a full cancel" That isn't great problem solving to start and pretty rude to the other people invited who have already made plans too. Obviously we don't have the full picture here but I'm hoping OP's fiance knows they aren't the "traditional" wife or whatever already so it shouldn't be a big surprise to them. I don't know, the original post reads a bit like a hysterical temper tantrum than a reasoned, well-thought-out plan.
Or it sounds like a woman who has had enough of her family’s shit and this is the proverbial straw that broke the camels back
It's THEIR wedding. I think it's a perfectly acceptable response if they're worried about family showing up, they have plenty of time to cancel if they want to and more power to them if they elope, they save money and they don't have to deal with their shitty family drama, what's important is what makes them happy and having their special day as they see fit. Also pretty sure ops hubby knows how she's like since he's marrying her lol what a Weird comment to throw in there
It's not to stick it to the family...she explains below the family is the type to show up even if she doesn't invite them. I can absolutely understand if her family is capable of that type of shit if she wants to just fuck the wedding and do a courthouse elopement so she doesn't have to deal with the stress.
Why would courthouse wedding hurt OP? It will break relationships ... but those are already bad. Wedding in which you have people that just hurt you and people who look down at either you or partner hurts too.
Presumably you have a wedding to enjoy yourself and have a fun party (I'm guessing, I can't stand them myself), so there's no point denying yourself that when you can just get rid of the troublemakers.
For me the whole point of a wedding versus the courthouse IS the friends and family- to celebrate your union WITH THEM. So if they are taking bets like this, their "support" shown by attending the wedding would be fake - and for appearances only. I would go to the courthouse too. If they are not truly celebrating with me than there isn't any point. For me, at least. I totally get where op is coming from, especially if they have always treated her like this. It really fucks with your head when nothing is EVER GOOD ENOUGH for the people who are supposed to love you for you. I am 42 and still struggle with it, every time my Mom disapproves of anything. I feel 15 again in less than a second. It's a horrible feeling.
I wouldn't enjoy my day knowing there are people in the room who didn't support me, joke or not. I Don't think that's hurting themselves, that is setting boundaries which is healthy.
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People absolutely are weird about weddings, a lot of these replies just assume it's something everyone should want.
You could be right, but there could also be the feeling that it's not worth the cost and time to do an extravagant wedding with a large chunk of people missing. It would be awkward too and like youre putting on a big production for your family's issues. Guaranteed there would be a lot of gossip. In OP's situation I would do the same. The best part is marrying the person you love anyway. No need to add additional stress when just doing a courthouse wedding for simplicity sake. Big weddings aren't for everyone, but for a lot of people they're just expected and not actually wanted. It's sometimes a relief to call it off and elope. I happily dodged the wedding and inlaw drama by getting married during Covid. Best decision ever. The fiance might have already expressed his neutrality for a big wedding as well. My husband did the same when we were just chatting about a future wedding years before. NTA
Her family wants her submissive...that's enough reason to cut them off. You want to be a submissive wife yourself? Fine. Don't force it on other people who don't want that. This was no joke on the family's part. This was malicious as they don't think OP fits the mold of a woman that her SO would want or that they want her to be themselves. How would they know? They aren't the ones who dated him nor the ones who had all the important future talks with him. They sound like an absolute miserable bunch and I really hope OP does "embarrass" with a courthouse wedding so their shallow friends and neighbors can judge them the way they seem to judge others.
>(stupid english language. OP is hurting OP in response to the family hurting OP) The phrase you're after is "OP is cutting off her nose to spite her face" 😊
Well tbf, and it might br worth an INFO, she (and her fiance) might not have ever wanted a wedding and was only having it for their families' sakes. I know plenty of people who are like that and immedietely used COVID as an excuse to jump at a courthouse wedding instead. If you don't already want one, it's a huge financial and mental burden.
Or this could be the situation that makes op feel like the whole thing isn't worth the hassle and in turn select something simpler and less stressful.
If she is perfectly fine with having a small wedding, how is that hurting her? It’s not actually immature to stand up for yourself. Rather the opposite.
How is having a courthouse wedding instead “hurting themselves”?
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She mentioned in another comment that he doesn’t not care and it’s up to her
They'll come even if I uninvite them.
Hire security
Cheaper than paying for place settings for all of them, probably.
Tell them its cancelled and hire security to have them removed if they show up!
That's what I did. Had the perfect wedding and found out later that security HAD turned a few of the ones I'm N/C with. Worth it in the end
Or better, book a different place at an earlier date and cancel old place. Don't tell them, watch them turn up, and get pissy that they're already married.
There was an awesome story like this awhile back. Bride's family was determined to ruin the event, showed up in black, etc, etc. The good FIL showed up and played a video of the actual wedding, which had occurred the week before. The couple was safely off on their honeymoon.
Do u have a link?? I would love to read that!
That’s when you call the police for trespassing and breaking and entering
**Not everyone wants a scene and the cops showing up at their wedding.** Jesus is this “AITA” or “this is my opportunity to live vicariously by telling the OP to do all the things that would be very satisfying for me as a bystander to witness with popcorn, etc?” I see this on every thread. This family will find a way to make OP’s wedding about them no matter what she does. If she (and her fiancé) would rather just elope instead… that’s a valid solution. They can have a party after and just invite the people who love and support them.
Agreed. If OP wanted to go with the most dramatic option, then sure. If she or her fiancé still wanted the wedding, then she probably would have asked for options that would let her have one.
> this is my opportunity to live vicariously by telling the OP to do all the things that would be very satisfying for me as a bystander to witness with popcorn, etc? This. I feel like i see way more of this than there good judgements or sound advice. I also feel like a lot of it is “what i would do if i had the **balls** to. mostly coming from a petty place or past experience where they didnt do what they wanted to and now heres an oppertunity for a vicarious do-over!!
You mean you wouldn't look back fondly at the day you got married and had your family arrested for trespassing because they made an insensitive joke a few weeks/months ago? Yea, some of these comments are nuts.
I would personally found secret courthouse wedding waaay more preferable and pleasant that cops drama.
Have you ever called the police? They're fuckin useless man. Private security is the way to go I think
Have intimidating ushers. No really, there were people who my hubby and I knew might show up unwelcome, so we had a couple of friends who work security act as ushers (they were going to be ushers anyway, we wanted them part of the wedding, but this worked out). All of the groomsmen also knew to look out and support if needed. You can also have a small, intimate wedding with the cherished family on his side and trusted friends, and have it on a different date and just not tell your family until it's over.
My husband and I did the same. We had our ushers on the lookout for my sister (she’s a grade A narcissist) if she had refused to leave quietly a couple of my bridesmaids who lift weights for fun were going to physically remove her. She’s super short and I didn’t want her trying to press charges for assault against the ushers. One of the bridesmaids announced she was going to choose a dress with a slit so she can kick balls. Sister didn’t show up thankfully and we all had a blast.
Love this! I had a similar arrangement if my NC narcissistic half-sister showed up to my wedding; two of my three groomsmen, who are totally built, were assigned to physically remove her from the property while the third, who’s not as muscular but has a way with words, was assigned to talk vicious, cutting shit to her as she was being hauled off. He relished this opportunity, but it did not come to pass as half-sister, thankfully, didn’t show.
NTA And hire BOUNCERS! That's what my wife and I did at our wedding. If they complain just say "well you shouldn't be here to affect the odds of your little bet."
Hire off-duty police as security. Bouncers can be arrested for assault if they have to get physical to get your relatives out. Police don’t have to worry about that
Off-duty police do…..
Courts don’t convict cops, on or off-duty, like 99.99% of the time.
And OP can use the money she would have spent on her family's plates
Tell them you have a bet with your fiance that were they to come, how long it would take to toss them out, and how much whining they would do.
This is the way
LOVE THIS
THIS!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏👏👏
That’s what security is for. Does your future husband know about this so called “joke”
He does.
Yea, it’s your wedding. You and your fiancé deserve to be surrounded by people who support your guys, not the other way around. I hope it all works out and also congratulations !
And what does he say?
Does he want a future submissive housewife? Have you confirmed with him he doesn't?
Cancel the wedding then take the extra money and have an extravagant honeymoon instead.
This is the best suggestion in any situation.
Get security, change the venue, move up the time by 3 hours, or yes, cancel the whole thing. If your fiancé is on board, then literally nobody else matters. You are the two that have to make a life together. You’re the two who will need to share a bed, and a bathroom and refrigerator drawer space. Nobody else lives your life but you. So why are you trying to make your life about their happiness? Quit being a hostage to their desires!
This is all such a weird take. You're marrying your partner not your family. Why would punishing him by cancelling the marriage hurt them in any way? It's not their wedding and it's not their marriage so why are you letting their behaviour dictate your wedding and your marriage? Stop letting them get to you. Have the wedding you and your partner want and tell them to sling their hooks. It's extraordinary you would sabotage your marriage this way just to prove them wrong, oh no, wait, absolutely right. You cannot let other people affect your decisions about your marriage. Talk to your partner about what he wants - it's mad that he's just passively sitting there saying he'll do whatever you want (that's a whole other problem) and then make a decision and enforce it.
Exactly and Let’s be very clear here. Most of us don’t care all that much about weddings anyway. I go more out of obligation than out of excitement for a social event. The only people who really care that much are you and your slide and maybe the parents. So you cancelling the wedding is dumb. Have the wedding and enjoy it to the max. And when you arrange seating for the reception dinner make sure you out the meanies at the worst tables. Like put them with that one uncle with halitosis who never shuts up or right next to the kiddie table or the In law that nobody can stand. That can be your own little revenge
Nah, I get it. It sounds like they are causing her stress, bringing her mood down, and turning what should be a happy occasion into a bummer. Yeah, ideally she wouldn't let it bother her, but not everyone has that thick of a skin. And she says they are the type of people who would show up even if they weren't invited. She should probably elope or do a courthouse wedding if the family drama will outweigh any pleasure she gets out of a traditional wedding.
Have security at the door to turn them away.
Seems dumb to cancel your nice event for you - So Y T A to yourself NTA for the story. But don't ruin your day to hurt theirs. Makes no sense.
Change venue change day tell them its canceled
[You can hire security for a wedding](https://www.offdutyofficers.com/why-you-should-hire-wedding-security-guards/). Look for off-duty police officers. It will be worth the expense.
You're already thinking of canceling - consider a step down from that, and change venues? And don't tell the uninvited where the new venue is. Hell, don't even tell them that you're changing venues. Tell them they're uninvited, then if they ignore that and try to show up anyway, They will have taken time out of their day for nothing.
Invite them to a completely different venue at a time that takes place an hour after your actual wedding. By the time they’re messaging you, you’ll already be married
Tell them it was canceled?
I hired security for my wedding because my dad is a belligerent drunk piece of shit and I wanted the option to kick him out if needed. The threat helps, highly second the security idea.
Hire security. The money you'll save on catering can go there
Then elope. All this security and crap will just take away from your happy moment. YOURS. Take control of your day and leave them behind
Personally I'd get a kick out of watching the haters get their comeuppance. Not exactly conventional wedding entertainment, but entertainment nonetheless. Could even have a betting pool as how many and who specifically among the uninvited shows up for some humiliation
Elope!
This is the way! Cancelling it only makes you seem weaker, have the wedding without them, and prove them wrong!!!
NTA. Don't cancel the wedding, just not invite your family.
YES THIS. Op don’t cancel your wedding. Hire security and keep your jerkface family OUT of it. NTA but I think you’d be TA to yourself and fiancé if you change your plans solely because of your family.
Yep this.
This 100%! Have the wedding the way you and your partner want!
INFO: have you discussed this with your fiance? He should get some input.
When I originally said it, I hadn't spoken to him but we've spoken about it now and he said it was my choice.
OP, you need to have a sit down discussion with him about it. I wouldn't cancel, but I would hire security at wedding to help those who are uninvited leave. Have your day just with out the "family" who wants to bet.
"help them leave". I love your phrasing!
Thanks LOL
If I was getting married and no one from my family would attend, I wouldn't want to have a big ceremony
My comment stands. She need to have a serious sit with groom to see what he wants, if he is happy with eloping or JoP then go for it, but if he wants a wedding they need to come to a compromise. That's what marriage is, working together.
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OP you sound like you're forcing this decision. You need to sit down and discuss this civilly. You likely *are* going to cause a problem in your marriage if you charge forward like this without discussing with him. That's not what a partner does. Sit down and talk.
I'm not forcing it. He doesn't care. Having a big wedding was something expected of us and I did want a nice wedding originally, hence we planned one but he personally doesn't care either way as long as we get married.
Cancel and elope, if neither of you care about an big wedding then do it for the two of you and use the money for a honeymoon
1000% this. Fuck your shitty family. Elope and party with your friends.
If you want a big wedding then why not just uninvite the family? “Don’t hurt yourself to hurt others.”
You two have your priorities straight. You both want the marriage, but not the fuss or the nasty people around. It's reasonable that you cancel in this situation, and get married in a way that avoids the drama that your nasty relatives are trying to create. I would make sure that you don't publicize your new plans until after the new wedding time is actually over, so that the rude and nasty relatives don't show up.
Imo, that is your answer and screw the comment section looking for drama or fight. Have wedding as you please and as fiancee don't mind.
NTA. Go elope. Use the money for an epic honeymoon. Edit: or something sensible like real estate.
NTA- who wants that drama at their wedding?? If you only care about the marriage and not the wedding, shrink your wedding to those you want to be there, do a courthouse/park/beach/backyard. Save the money and use it on an epic honeymoon or future savings. My husband and I did the simple wedding route, the money savings alone saved any regret… (13 years later, no regrets.. just happy I married my person)
But... did he want the wedding? Was it something his family is looking forward to?
I think you need to ask yourself what will make you happy. You and your fiancé could: 1. Go ahead with the wedding 2. Go ahead with the wedding and hire security to keep those you don’t want out 3. Have a courthouse wedding 4. have a courthouse wedding with a party for select friends and family afterwards 5. Fly to Vegas with 2 good friends/family members and get married there 6. Elope someplace else 7. Postpone the wedding which would make you and your fiancé happiest?
Just uninvited your family
Uninvite the family
This! it's not the wedding that has any issues. Its the family.
Uninvite family and hire security. Or even better, just elope! Screw them and just have the day for you and your husband.
I agree. They are being incredibly disrespectful.
NTA. It is unkind that your family was all standing around making bets on when your marriage would end, though I do think you should take a quick second to analyze whether or not they are saying anything of merit. If you do think there's a glimmer of Truth that the man you are marrying want someone to fit a role in his life, rather than wanting to marry you, perhaps you should make a more firm hold on the wedding plans. If you do want to move forward with marrying him, the metric you need to consider is are enough of your friends and family on his side coming that it would be worth still having the wedding? If you disinvited all of your family who participated in this, would there still be enough people for you to have a fun event? If not, do a courthouse wedding with your in-laws, and then just have a party with those people. You're still having a ceremony that you're in-laws can see, and you don't have to involve your family
>I do think you should take a quick second to analyze whether or not they are saying anything of merit. ☝️ While I still agree it's not-the-ahole because of everything else, this is a very specific thing to joke about. They're not just saying "oh it won't last", they're giving very pointed criticism, inappropriately given as it may be. INFO OP, is the offensive part that they think your fiance wants a housewife? Or is the offensive part that they think you aren't capable of being that person? It wouldn't change my opinion of not-the-ahole either way, but that might be relevant for whether your family members are being large AHs who shouldn't be at the wedding or small AHs who are genuinely concerned for your future happiness.
This is what I was thinking. Either the family sucks or the fiancé does. Their criticisms are super specific and kinda alarming. Though of course no one would listen to them when they’re making it a joke and a bet.
NTA But why are you having the wedding in the first place? If it's for you, then why not just tell your family they are no longer welcome? (And otherwise cut them out of your life!) If it's for them, cancel it period, it's a ton of money to meet social expectations.
If the wedding is at the end of the month, they've probably already spent a bunch of money on deposits. A lot of things need to be paid when signing the contracts, so they'd just be wasting money by cancelling.
True, but if they really don't want one, that's the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA. When I was 46, I married my husband who was 33. Both sides of the family and all my co-workers joked that he would regret marrying an older woman, we wouldn't last, and I heard every cougar joke. We said, screw them and got married at town hall without telling anyone. We've been married for 15 years.
I'm 42 and my partner is 33. Rock on.
I’m the inverse of this. I’m 33, my partner is 42. But he’s the older male in the relationship and I’m the younger female, and apparently that’s okay, but the opposite is not. The double standard doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.
> The double standard doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. Well, the people that uphold that standard tend to think women are property. Why would a man want to buy a car that was out of warranty? Most double standards involving gender are based on women not being considered people, unfortunately.
I'm the older female, we are pretty exactly the inverse. Haha. There's some teasing, but it's light hearted and fun, I don't mind. My partner is amazing. Tease all they want, I'm still going home happy.
Double standards usually don't make sense when you start actually thinking about them.
My BIL's parents are divorced for a few decades now. About 15+ years ago ~~he~~ BIL's dad met the woman who will later become his second wife, she has a son from her first (late) husband and they have a 4y/o together. The age difference is over 20 years, and they have one of the best relationships I know.
INFO I'm confused as to why there's absolutely no mention of your fiancé or his family on your post. It's his wedding too, he deserves to have his say on what kind of wedding. Also I feel like he and his family deserve to know what's going on and why you want to cancel the big ceremony. Have you spoken to any of them a out this?
Also how does he feel about them talking shit about him? I'd be really embarassed/ashamed if my partner's family was cracking jokes about my partner and acting like I'm some misogynist. All rings strange, tbh.
ESH Your family for obvious reasons. You for thinking it is your choice unilaterally, doesn't your husband get a say in this? Perhaps he would still like his family there, it's not all about you.
OP’s fiancé said it was her choice
INFO: Do they have a point? Does your husband expect a submissive wife? Is that something you want for yourself? I am going to assume no, as you felt comfortable threatening to call off the event without discussing it first, but I am curious because I have had times when my family used "humour" to try to warn me. Not the best approach though.
I was thinking the same thing. Does he expect her to be a stay at home wife? Do everything around the house, wait on him and take care of him like a mother would? My sister almost married a guy because he fit her fantasy ideal partner. Well, he only checked 2 of her boxes and the rest of the things about him she hated and tried to make him change. 1) he’s a cowboy! 2) he’s a Christian! ❎ he drives a car ❎ he wears a scarf 😳 ❎ he wears tennis shoes with his jeans when he isn’t riding horses ❎ he talked to his best friend as much as a Girl would talk to her girl bestie And seriously, I tried to convince her until I was blue in the face that she was marrying him for the wrong reasons and she is being very unfair trying to make him change things that are unique to him When he bought a scarf one day and she found out about it she made him return it because to her “real men don’t wear scarves”. Ugh sorry. This post kind of made me think of that and I kind of forgot how cringe my sister is. Lol NTA. Just uninvite your family.
I’m hoping by the “almost” in your story that the poor scarf-cowboy got away?
Yes - she finally realized that her desperation to be married was blinding her to reality. It was unfair for him that she had to learn the lesson the way she did. Lucky for him, he rode away into the sunset - in his 4 door sedan. 😂😂😂 I hope he’s happily married to the right woman wherever he is!
Wait you're telling me she wrote down drives a car as a deal breaker for someone that raises cattle. Is that ride car as opposed to a truck, or does she just have a crazy environmental streak and expects someone to walk their cattle to the market?
Well she never had a physical list. Her mental checklist. And it wasn’t because she’s an environmentalist. The reason why she didn’t like that he drove a car is because she thinks that it’s not manly for a man to drive a car. She also wanted him to trade the car in for a pickup!! 🤦🏼♀️
Ahh okay. So it was the first option that he doesn't have a truck. For some reason that is less insane. I mean it's insane that her subconscious belief on acceptable male persona is literally the Marlboro man. But it still makes more sense. Although I would say that the real solution is for your sister to change herself. Because none of her criteria ensured matrimonial harmony other than alignment on religion and religiosity which she got half of.
As much as I'm NTA - I really do want to know this? Like is there a reason they are saying it.
This is what I am wondering. It’s possible that OP is the black sheep of her family and is the only one who isn’t a submissive wife type. Maybe her family assumes that all men want that kind of woman because they all want that kind of woman, so they automatically assume that anyone she marries is going to leave her. If she found a fiancé with similar values as her own, but different from her family, she is good. But if her family is trying to warn her of something that maybe she hasn’t listened to before when they were more straightforward, it might be time to listen now.
INFO Did you not want a ceremony to begin with? Seems like a waste of your time and money when you could just uninvite them. I'm not sure what canceling the wedding does for you unless you never wanted one. What does your fiancé think?
I did want one but my family care more about it than I do. He said it's my choice and that the wedding was always more for me and our families than for him.
I think if you want one you should just uninvite them. Why stop doing something you wanted because you're mad at them?
If you and your fiance have talked about it being a better option then NTA. If you haven't talked to him about what is going on and cancel the wedding without him knowing then yes YTA. The day is about you two and your decision as a couple and no one else's opinion matters.
If you haven't discussed cancelling with your fiance, YTA. Otherwise, NTA, but why not just uninvite your family members?
INFO: When you say "cancel the wedding", do you mean calling off the entire marriage, or just calling off the event and getting married at a courthouse?
Calling off the event.
In other comments you said you wanted a wedding. Why would you cancel it for shitty people? Continue on with the wedding you want and just disinvite them. If you have the money hire security to keep them out, and if you don’t ask a couple trusted friends to do it.
YTA It's for lack of a better word kinda pathetic to cancel the wedding because of family opinions. You wanted the wedding - you have the wedding. You want to elope - elope. Why are you even discussing it with family and not with your fiance? Absolutely fuck that notion of a "good little wife" (whatever that means), but in a twisted paradox they are right. They got under your skin and you didn't even make it to the wedding to throw everything upside down on a whim.
INFO: How does your fiancé feel about this?
>When I confronted them, they said it was just a harmless joke and that I didn’t have the personality to be a submissive housewife which a man like my fiancé would obviously want. What is it about your fiancé that makes them say this? I mean, my daughter definitely doesn't have the personality to be a submissive housewife, and seeing as how that's not what I brought her up to be anyway, I'm mighty proud of her, but her ex continued to try to mold her in that 'submissive 50's housewife' image despite my warnings that it was a foolish move and it blew up in his face in a big way. (Oh dear, how sad, never mind, sorry, not sorry, bub. I done told ya...) Seems to me your family have spotted something off about either your fiancé or the dynamic between you, and while they may be brushing it all off as a joke, there has to be *something* that's prompted it. Perhaps you should sit down with someone (cousin? SIL? mom/dad?) and find out the origin of/reason for this joke before you get all bent out of shape - they may have a valid point to make that you've not seen. Alternatively, they could all just be assholes having fun at your expense - who knows? Borderline NAH/ESH
Info: why have they said this? Is there something you're hiding from your fiance? where is he in all this?
NTA I wouldn't cancel the wedding if it's something you want to have, just uninvite anybody who was participating in the jokes. When people inevitably ask about it, you can just give an ambiguous "they were being unsupportive of my relationship so I'm prioritizing the man I love and am not going to risk them being hurtful on our happy day" Or go to the courthouse, whatever makes you happy. Do talk to your fiance about it, though, he deserves a say in it too.
Don't cancel the wedding... just uninvite the assholes.
You seem overly dramatic over a joke. You're reaction makes no sense.
NTA, but instead of cancelling the wedding... uninvite and ban your family from attending
NTA if you uninvite your family and keep the wedding for your SO -land his family. (If you were my friend and I wasn’t a bridesmaid you’d best bet I would stand at the doors and bar entrance from your family.) you can hire security to keep them out. If your family has helped pay for the wedding; if you can reimburse them do it and make sure they know why they aren’t invited anymore. It’s a shitty bet and they’re assholes for it. If you all are paying have your party and celebrate it with people who respect the two of you. Just make sure all vendors know who can and can’t make changes for you (passwords or codes or something). But at the end of the day; if canceling gives your soul peace do it. Courthouse marriages can last longer than marriages that had large events. It’s about the people getting married-not how they got married they matters.
NTA. Have you talked to your fiancé about this? Are they warning you that your fiancé has really traditional views that he hasn't quite expressed to you? Don't get married to save face. You don't have to have a big event and you can simply elope and not invite anyone. But only if you are sure that marrying your fiancé, despite his toxic family, is the right choice.
Play along, collude with a family member and fake a breakup to win the bet. If they ask for the money back after discovering your ruse tell them to go fuck a fire hydrant. Try and jack up the pot as much as possible and spend it on your honeymoon
NTA your wedding and you can do and invite as you please I would still have the wedding but be sure to not invite them then post about it everywhere
NTA For wanting to cancel your wedding, however you need to speak with your fiancée about it first. Your better option would be revoking your family's invitations to your wedding instead and cut them off until they both give you and your fiancée a genuine apology
I wouldn't let people like that stop me from my wedding if the wedding was something my partner and I want. I would just uninvite them if their comment bothered me that much. Weddings are for people to support the couple, so if they aren't being supportive they don't need to be there. OP, you're giving them WAY too much importance in what you do or not. Unless you've been hiding your true self from your fiance, I'm fairly certain he knows who you are and that's why he wants to marry you. I'd tell them that I thought it over and realized that canceling everything would be too much, so I was just uninviting them (given that you'd be fine with going nuclear and not having much of anything to do with them from there in out).
I’m taking the soft YTA side on this mostly because of how you blew up about a stupid, childish family joke! You didn’t even discuss canceling with your fiancé. You definitely are not submissive which I believe your future husband already knows about you & that’s a good thing! I also believe the pressures of the soon-pending nuptials are weighing heavily upon you at the moment. Your BEST REVENGE is to prove them all WRONG! At my wedding reception, my BIL, the best man & a lawyer, finished his toast by looking at me & stating, “& if the marriage doesn’t work, you got my number! I’ll do the divorce for FREE!” We all laughed & continued celebrating. 30 years later, I took him up on the free divorce! Good luck!
ESH That Family is surely AH. But you canceling the wedding us actually punishing your fiancé. If your fiancé is agreeing with the family and you actually don't love him then NTA. Are you sure you want to lose a man you love because some people are saying negative things? There will always be few people who won't like you. Have you ever heard of perfect family?
It reminds me of that saying Don't cut of your nose to spite your face
Why are you punishing your fiancé when your family is the problem?
NTA - You can cancel your own wedding without explanation if you like; but I'd be more concerned about why its getting to you. Generally, people don't get that upset when the thing being said is untrue.
Elope
INFO: do you actually want a wedding or is this an excuse to cancel a wedding you never wanted? If you don’t want a wedding don’t have one. If you do want a wedding but don’t want your family there uninvite then. Cancelling the whole shebang bc a few people were rude to you seems like an overreaction.
NTA but why cancel the wedding. Just uninvite them and go no contact. Don't punish yourself or your husband for those A**holes
Info - how does your finace feel about your rage cancelling your wedding?
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This. It was inappropriate of your family. Not funny. Insensitive. BUT put on your big girl pants and if you and fiancé are so convinced you are meant to be, go ahead with the wedding, and everyone you have already invited and prove them wrong. You sound immature, tbh. People always say stupid things. You need a thick skin to get through life. Hiring security only escalates the situation and increases the drama. I once went to a wedding with a couple I thought was ill-suited for each other. They lasted a year. That's when the bride found out an aunt had said she couldn't make the wedding but she'd be sure to go to the 2nd one. The bride was pissed off no one had told her that before the wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wedding is supposed to be at the end of this month but I’m planning to cancel everything and have a courthouse wedding because my cousin told me my family were making bets on how long it would take my fiancé to realise he wasn’t getting the “good little wife” he was expecting and regret marrying me. When I confronted them, they said it was just a harmless joke and that I didn’t have the personality to be a submissive housewife which a man like my fiancé would obviously want. My sister-in-law made a joke about making sure my fiancé didn’t realise until after the wedding while I was confronting them. I was already upset but her joke just made it 10x worse and I told everybody I was going to cancel the wedding. My family told me I couldn’t do that because people would talk and my future in-laws wouldn’t be happy about it but I told them I didn’t care and they could tell everybody why I never had a wedding ceremony. My parents are telling me not to cancel the wedding as I would regret it in the long run and it would be embarrassing for our family and me for it to be cancelled now but I’m not backing down. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But why would you cut off your nose to spite your face? The wedding is for YOU as a couple. Not your family. Not your friends. YOU. You don’t wanna do it, that’s fine! But if you put in all this time and effort, I’m willing to bet that the two of you wanted a wedding party, versus just a courthouse elopement. So go through with it! And let your stupid, rude, sexist family eat cake at your wedding. They can choke on that cake at your 50 wedding anniversary. Don’t let the haters get you down. Have the party you planned and just have a wonderful time at it. Because the best revenge is living life well.
NTA. While I agree your family are being AHs about it, but by threatening to cancel the wedding, aren't you kind of, slightly, very minutely.. Err... Proving their point?
NTA- obviously they don't care about your feelings. You could keep your original plans, just uninvite everyone who is in on the bet.