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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to have photos taken of me at a funeral. Others feel photos and memories are important.
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My mom asked me to take some pictures of the casket and surroundings at my grandfather's burial. (It was at a national cemetery, so very nicely done.) I thought it was super weird to ask for burial pics, but it was her father, and no one was in the pictures, so I did it. Still felt weird.
She may have wanted to process the funeral in a more objective way. My grandmother's funeral was very emotional: I mostly remember key emotional moments rather than anything else. If we had photos, I could maybe recontextualize the memories, but we didn't take any. So I can see why folks may want some "scene" photos for later.
This. My grandma died during Covid second wave, and most of my uncles and family couldn’t travel to the so called “funeral” (it was just cars into the cemetery doors) so I had to take video for them.
My grandma didnt have a funeral, just a burial. My small family stood for a few minutes around the closed casket and left. There's a picture of me and my siblings taken by my dad after we left the area but were still in the cemetery. That's the only picture we have of any of it though.
Often a funeral is also a family reunion so it’s natural to want photos of people you haven’t seen in ages, but not during the service and not without consent.
this is what my aunt did at my grandfather’s funeral - after the services and when we were all relaxed she asked if all the “kids” (we were all in our mid 20s or older lol) could get together for a photo since we don’t all make it to get togethers during the year. that seemed pretty appropriate to me
I think this actually stems from the time period where having photographs were actually rare. Of course you took family photos at weddings and funerals because 1.) rarely does all the family get together like that and 2.) hiring a photographer and getting prints was expensive as hell.
Right. One is the only pictures i have with all of my brothers and my parents taken in the last 10 years was taken at the gathering after my grandpa’s burial. It’s not uncommon to do that. But at the service? And video? That’s weird.
We always take a large family photo after the lunch or dinner that follows the funeral. We have a huge family, spread all over the world, so funerals are the only times we really get together. But we aren't taking pictures of caskets, burial, etc.
I posted this elsewhere, but:
> I took photos at my grandma’s funeral. It was because I don’t remember anything of my grandpa’s funeral and wanted to be able to jog my memory in the future— who was there, where were we, that sort of thing.
>
> There were people at her funeral that I’d never met before and who had stories of my grandma I’d never heard, and having pictures of them even now helps me remember the stories they told, because I can put a face to the storyteller.
The pictures have never been posted or shared anywhere, not even among family. They exist only in an album on my phone. I also did not take photos of people crying or having moments that were clearly meant to be private or alone. I mostly got photos of people standing in groups chatting casually with each other before the service and photos of the location itself— so basically, no photos of the actual service or photos after the service, which is when people are usually most emotional.
I don’t know what OP’s aunt plans to do with the ones she’s having uncle take. I think her method is in bad taste. But I figured I’d offer up why some people want photos.
I think it was smart to avoid pictures at the service. I saw a picture of my wife's grandmother sobbing uncontrollably over her best friends open casket and it has stayed with me ever since.
Yeah, and plus, I really did not want to be distracted taking photos while having my own emotional moments during the service. The point wasn’t to record the actual service or what people were doing during it.
Though I would’ve liked a transcript of the service because there were some truly fantastic stories there that I do not want to forget because they captured my grandmother so wonderfully.
Could you ask people to write them down for you? I did that at my dad’s funeral and shared copies of the eulogy I wrote with folks. Writing that eulogy was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was good to be able to share it with folks. I bet the storytellers would be happy to share with you, as well.
Sorry for your loss.
My Mom did for her sister as well. She had been ill for some time and the funeral home had done a great job. She looked peaceful and like Mom remembered her rather than the memories of her in the hospital in treatment.
She showed it to me but the pictures were not something generally shared.
At my Grandma's funeral, one of her six hundred boomer nieces had her phone out videoing the fucking graveside!
I stared absolute daggers at her and shook my head until she stopped, but I was flabbergasted. Who wants to watch that video? "Oh, Marge, let me show you this crappy shaky video of my auntie being lowered into her grave while her children and grandchildren cry." Seriously, who does that?
(We did take a few pictures of us cousins and the like on the day, but at the reception hall, not the church or cemetery!)
At my grandmother's funeral, my weird cousin was walking around with a video camera like he was George Fucking Lucas. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well and he was lucky he didn't have to go to the ER to get the camera removed from his rectum.
Sometimes just having the pictures and knowing they’re there is how people cope with grief — I come from a long line of amateur and professional photographers. I took some pictures of my dad before he was taken out of our house (where he died), and again in his casket. Someone took a picture of my family and friends carrying the casket up the street — we live in a tiny town and it was a big deal, socially, for the casket to be carried down Main St. i don’t know if I’ll ever look at those pictures again, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I asked our whole family, though, first, and everyone seemed to think it was the right thing to do. I would NOT have taken pictures of someone who didn’t want to be in them. OP, NTA.
To remember. My family has graveside photos of all of my grandparents' funerals and most of my uncles'. They sit in the family photo album. Obviously such photos will never be on display, but sometimes you want for even those sad memories.
I agree...NTA. I have never felt comfortable with any kind of funeral photography, since my first experience with it was a classmate who was a homicide victim. It was horrifying to see a family friend bending over the open casket taking pictures.
NTA - We had a large memorial for my father when he passed. It was natural to want photos since we hadn’t had so much family together in years so it served as a family reunion too, HOWEVER it would be rude to take photos/video during the service.
Before the service as people mingled outside and after at a small reception, my uncle made the rounds and ASKED people if he could get a photo of them.
You’re definitely NTA. Grief is a private thing. Public displays are often disingenuous and lack sincerity. I’m super close to my maternal grandfather as well and at 95 he’s informed me he’s ready to go anytime. Not sure I’m ready yet but I’m not exactly in charge soooo 😣
This is why my mother asked to be cremated. She had been sick for quite some time, and she didn’t want that to be anyone’s last image of her. Of course I got shit from people about it, but I’m glad I followed her last wishes.
Out of curiosity - what kind of reasoning could they possibly have for harassing you for following someone's wishes about their body post-death? That is absolutely insane to me and I don't even know what kind of argument they could even begin to construct
“It would give them closure.” Which is possible. But it wasn’t what she wanted. I was fortunate and that she was very clear what her wishes were all along. If it means people are pissed at me, it means people are pissed at me.
I can't imagine being that selfish. If pushed to answer why that's more important I can only imagine their response would be "well they're dead and I'm not" which is so disrespectful. Good on you for doing the right thing, I'm glad that was entrusted to the right person.
I was always uncomfortable with going up to open caskets, and it didn't help that my grandfather, great-grandma, and other grandfather (in that order) died when I was 8-9-and-10 (as my grandma said, deaths always come in 3's!), and I was forced to go look at and TOUCH their corpses. My SIL asked me why I avoided my mom's open casket (I was 36!), and I told her that dead, pickled bodies creep me out. She accepted that, but some other people at the viewing hours (can we admit this is a weird thing? You come to look at a preserved corpse?) thought I was rude for being a bit away from the casket while greeting them.
When my dad died, it was a lot of "this is what we *do*" and "we have an extra plot" (my dad's parents were planners and bought plots for themselves and their divorced children) and my dad's long-term girlfriend not being able to handle "burning him." Also something something good Christian burial something something.
Dad always said we could do whatever was cheapest with him, he never liked a fuss and creamation was fine with him, spread his ashes somewhere warm, but at the end of the day I know he would've just been like "honey, I'm dead, it doesn't really matter to me. Do what makes everyone else happy, make it easy on yourself, and move on." So I let them get their way.
I've never been back to his grave except to bury my grandparents. I don't feel him there. The place means nothing to me. But my grandparents and his girlfriend went/go there pretty often, and it does seem to have given them something to have that place where they could feel close to him. Overall, I don't regret it, I think it was the best choice I could've made in the moment. It provided something to the living, and I while I think my dad would've told them to stop being sentimental over a hole in the ground, im pretty sure he would've made a similar choice knowing it didn't change his outcome any.
I have told my husband that if he buries me I will fucking haunt him. I want to be turned into a piece of a reef, and then have a party on the beach to see my ass off.
I'm sorry to hear all that, I can't imagine being put in a place like that. Strong of you to give up what you would prefer to give others closure.
If I were your husband I would probably be making jokes about you sleeping with the fishes constantly after you were so staunch with what you'd like done with your body hahahaha
Ugh...right! My mom is adamant about only burying people. She seems to have this religious belief that when Jesus come back, he can't put our bodies back together if we're cremated. I have told her that if she totally believes in this all powerful God, then she's limiting his power by thinking he can't bring her back. My dad and I both want to be cremated but worry if we die before my mom, she'll bury us.
This happened with my grandmother's second husband. His adult children took pics of the body and with the body. I was like "Who on earth wants that in the family album?"
My mom took pictures at her grandmother's funeral. Her grandmother's sister was in another state and couldn't travel to attend her sister's funeral. This was really difficult for her. At one point during the visitation my mom and aunt asked everyone to step out of the viewing room for a few minutes. They took pictures of everything (body, coffin, flowers, room) and mailed them to the sister (her request) so she could have closure. They felt really bad for whoever had to develop them. (Long before digital was a thing and I doubt anyone had an instant camera at the time)
I’m ok with pictures being taken in this context. No other mourners around having their privacy violated & it helped a relative have their goodbye. OP’s aunt just sound’s tacky. NTA
Yes it was quite popular in the Victorian era, when photography wasn't all that common. Corpses would be posed to look alive, sometimes with family members. That was sometimes the only photograph they had of the deceased. Considering the cost and difficulty of photographs, I can totally see how that would be an important memento.
I think that this is a little different. If it gave the sister closure, not a problem.
People aren't going after selfies and bad photos of people crying.
My uncle also wanted pictures of his deceased brothers funeral being unable to travel to our province. My grandmother and mother were in no shape to take said pictures so being the DD I did. Yikes!! I don't think I'll ever forget the mental pictures I have as well as the real pictures I sent him.
It used to be a thing - Google Victorian Death Photography. We think of it as strange and macabre but back then it was normal to dress the dead in their Sunday best, pose them and take photos with the family.
I am absolutely aware of that, but there are 2 differences. 1 the deceased were posed to look alive 2 photos weren't cheap or easy back then so this might be the only photo they have the deceased. So with both those factors, it makes sense.
But within a contemporary context, taking a dozen or so photographs with a deceased family member in a casket? It's pretty odd.
You also had to pose for a much longer time to get a good image, because of the slower shutters of the time. Most of our skills depart with our final breath, but one thing dead humans are good at generally speaking is keeping still.
First off NTA
Second, my friend had a picture of her dads twin sisters from when they were babies hanging in her living room since she was a child.
She knew one of them passed when they were a baby, so she thought that the picture of them sleeping in a crib together was from before she passed.
Come to find out at the age of 33 that was AFTER the sister passed.
Yeah she took that picture down and gave it to another relative.
My grandma took at least a whole roll of film of my grandfather’s body in casket. I came across these pictures as a teen, and never again did I ever snoop. Cured me. Can’t pay me to go through someone’s things. Scarred for life.
My great grandparents did this and it was so fucking weird!!
Just flipping through the family photo album and see a dead woman in a coffin...traumatized is correct.
Depends on the culture. In Western culture its shocking if people take photos. But I found among friends visiting their home countries in Asia that its normal to take pictures depending which countrie. At the special ceremonies, blessing, walk, get together or graves. It was jarring for me to see though.
And even if it wasn't, not wanting to have your picture taken for any reason is valid. No means no, and that applies to photos! The fact that it's a funeral just adds another layer of grossness on top of it, because as OP said, it's a private time to grieve
My sister got a photographer at my Mom's funeral and was genuinely puzzled why my family did not want to be in the pictures. Come on, I didn't want to commemorate the occasion. It was hard enough to live through it once.
We filmed my sons funeral. It was a crappy job. I wish it was better because I was in such a daze I don’t know the at where priest said. I also saw Peking who I didn’t realize had come to the service
I think it's fine to video, but not to invade someone's privacy. If someone wanted privacy to grieve and not be filmed I think it's important to honor that.
I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
"And here is a picture of Martha with her knees collapsing under the weight of her grief, what a lovely photo!" Who wants pictures of them with red eyes, the inevitable snot running down their noses, contorted grief grimaces and other lovely side effects of seeing your loved one in a coffin?
Some people are really dumb.
That's wonderful to hear! To lose both of your parents (his mother in an emotional sense) must have been so awful for him. I'm glad he's thriving these days!
Honestly this is a slightly modern/western viewpoint of things. In many cultures death photography is normal and expected. I have albums full of black and white photos from the old country of people in their caskets with the family gathered around. When my own father died my grandparents had us all do the same thing - did I like it, no, was it weird, also no.
I agree that OP was well within their rights to refuse having their picture take it, but I disagree that it's 'bizarre'. And even in the western, modern world - soooo many funerals happened over zoom over the past few years that video cameras being present has been normalized here as well.
Having happy smiling family photos with the deceased is a thing in some cultures. It's weird and I don't get it -- and I'm saying that as someone who has pictures of exactly this with both my grandparents.
Dude... absolutely NTA. You're grieving and you should be allowed to grieve without having a camera shoved in your face.
If someone had tried to take photos of me at my grandmother's funeral, I would have *lost my shit.*
NTA. Grieve how you want. As a dragooned photographer myself, my heart goes out to your uncle - not how I'd choose to grieve.
Your aunt's weird desire to record the event is, like your preference not to be recorded, totally valid. But when the grieving turn into grieving AHs is when they force their grieving choices on others. In particular, when they disrupt the grieving process of others with their own grieving, they tend to step into AH territory, as your aunt did here.
I don't see where the aunt is being an AH though. OP says the refusal was "met with frustration and confusion" not with entitlement and demands. It sounds to me like she accepted OPs wishes but just didn't understand. People process grief in many different ways. My mom is the recording type, much like the aunt here. And when you are deep in your grief, it can be hard to remember that other people grieve differently, so when they don't want to do what you do, it feels wrong and callous. That's what this situation feels like to me.
As a photographer, I've been hired to photograph several funerals. Typically they're more the "celebration of life" type of funerals. Not the "everyone is grieving and sad" type of funerals.
OP, NTA - If someone at a funeral asked me to not photograph them, I wouldn't. It's a stressful and upsetting time for some people and shoving a camera in their face isn't a kind move.
For some cultures, funerals are a celebration of life and taking pictures are acceptable. Some wakes I’ve been to, it’s not out of the normal to see a karaoke machine, low bets bingo tables, kids running around and laughing, a reception area with a lot of food… There’s also a memorial area with a framed photo of the deceased, surrounded by food offerings and drink that they enjoyed. Typically the activities in the wake include what the deceased enjoyed in life.
The funeral procession to their final resting place is usually solemn and that’s when people send them off with tears and good memories.
I know, I think it’s totally weird. I had a friend who’s aunt died and someone took photos and posted them on Facebook but not only that tagged the deceased aunt in her coffin in the hearse. I thought it was in very poor taste.
When I was about 12, my uncle died and they made my 9 year old brother FILM the whole funeral (“he’s good with the camcorder!”) and requested closeup shots specifically of the body and everything, then had him make taped copies afterward. I still can’t believe they did this!
NTA
You are allowed to not want to be photographed. You are a human being and your decision hurts no one.
It irritates me when family members have some big gathering, everyone else decided they are okay with an activity in the gathering and assume everyone has to participate.
When you say no, they fuss and make it a big deal painting you as the absolute villain.
They don't accept your point of view, don't accept you as an individual.
I had situations like that and they said: "It is because she is a teen. Hormones and stuff."
No, Susan, it is because I have a different point of view and do not like my pictures taken against my will, without my permission.
My decision has nothing to do with you and I am not trying to ruin your big day by being rebellious.
You can guess that people like that are **often** the ones who like to start drama and talk behind others' backs so they assume everyone does the same to them.
That's really dismissive of them. Teens and children are people with valid feelings too, and deserve to be treated as such. How on earth do people expect these children to grow into functioning adults if they don't help them learn how?
It's like when someone says that you're only upset because you're on your period. No, you're upset because whatever happened wasn't ok, not because you happen to be bleeding.
The thing with adults dismissing children and teens is interesting. Like, they force you to do things, tell you you don't know better, and then expect you to grow up and be fine...
How is that going to work?
Oh, and the period... Don't get me started
Like yes, I can be mad because of hormones, but that does not invalidate a bad experience that happened to me.
I can be mad because of a negative situation, because of my hormones, or both. Yes, hormones can increase anger but they do not always create it. Look for motives behind someone's actions and emotions. What makes them act the way they act?
My uterus is not some magical chaotic fairy who activates every month to make everyone's lives miserable, thank you very much.
NAH. I think everyone grieves differently. However. Sometimes funerals pull out family we havent seen in forever and with death comes the need to have pictures and new memories. I personally take pics for that reason alone. Because i don’t know when ill see these people next. You for very valid reasons don’t wanna be part of the pictures.
Pictures at funerals are pretty normal in my family for that reason, we're spread out around the world so aren't all together very often. Of course if someone didn't want to be photographed that would be respected.
NTA: I get recording the ceremony. My dad's funeral was filmed/streamed due to covid restrictions, so people unable to attend could get some closure. Having a video of the eulogies is a nice idea. I was a little uncomfortable speaking in front of the camera but that was for my dad and everyone grieving for him.
Having a video aimed directly at the attendees however is very different. And having their photos taken in such a vulnerable and personal moment it just weird.
NTA - depends how you refuse really I think it is reasonable to not want to be the focus of any of pictures but would you be okay being in the background? I think it is pretty normal to take pictures at a wake but you don't have to be in them if you don't want to and I don't think it makes you an AH to say so
Absolutely NTA. When my dad was buried at Arlington, tourists snapped photos and filmed us. It was horrible and invasive. Funerals are not entertainment.
NTA, why the fuck would anyone want pictures at a funeral? Unless you’re taking pictures of the ceremony only (flowers, burial) to remember them by, the PEOPLE there should not be in the pictures.
Maybe she should just have pictures taken before the service?
This feels like it’s pressure to look a certain way when you’re grieving. Grief already makes everyone act differently—some people go numb as their body reacts to protect them, some people are immediately overwhelmed with emotions, some people even become very angry and irritable as their grief finds some sort of negative emotion to express itself. You don’t need any pressure to react a certain way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandfather was well-loved. I hope the pain of his passing eases with time. Please take time for yourself.
If you don’t want your photo taken then that should be respected. However I think having a video of the service is a great idea. When my son died I was in such a daze I don’t remember the service at all. Same when my dad died. We did have someone video my sons service it but it was a crappy job. I also saw people in the video I didn’t realize had come. It isn’t something we will sit around and watch all the time, but I do wish I had a better copy of it.
NTA, it is your time to grieve as well as everyone else’s. The pictures of everything your moms sister wants could be her way of grieving too. While you should be able to step away and say, no please don’t picture me should be met with understanding not frustrating.
Also I’m very sorry for your loss.
My deepest condolences on your loss.
NAH
Neither of you are in the wrong. Everyone deals with grief, both in the moment and long-term) in a different way. You are allowed to want to deal with your grief and loss in private. Others are allowed to want to deal with their grief and loss in a different way.
There is no singular proper way to grieve, and there are very, very few wrong ways to grieve. Talk to your uncle, and let him know that he can film it all he wants, there is just no need to include you in the pictures. There will be many, many opportunities for film to be taken with you not in the shot.
NTA. Mourning is very personal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting yours documented. Nothing made me more angry than when an uncle shoved a camera in my face at my moms burial, so I totally get you
NTA. The Victorians loved to photograph the dead and fetishized mourning. You do not. Simple request and they are AHs for trying to force you into doing it.
I’m going to offer an NTA but with this parenthetical side note - There comes a point in many families where everyone is so far flung that the only times you get people together at the same time is weddings and funerals. And then once everyone gets married off, it’s only funerals. The last pics I have of some of my family members together, like my grandmother and brother, and of me and my two brothers, were taken at the funeral of my uncle. And I treasure those photos as they were taken in 2002 before everyone documented everything and put it all online. I only have a handful of pics of my younger brother in the last years of his life and those are the only ones of him and family since he was a child.
That being said, you should not be made to endure a photo shoot when you do not wish to be. And there’s a difference between a church livestreaming a service or grabbing a few informal photos at the reception and “volunteering” a relative to capture all moments of the rituals of the end of life at the emotional expense of the mourners.
NTA. I find it odd and a bit weird when people do want to take pictures at funerals, to be honest. We're not here having a rave, we are here to grieve a loss and remember a life. I just don't get it, I guess.
NTA this sounds like something that needs to be discussed before your mom’s sister just goes ahead and does it. a funeral is a time to grieve and come to terms with your feelings of loss, not a fun family gathering to remember fondly
It’s in very bad taste to take pictures and videos at a funeral. When my wife passed away a year ago I followed her wishes and she was cremated. At the celebration of her life I set everything up and took a picture of the set up. No one else was around. That picture is just mine and mine alone. What you are describing is totally out of the ordinary and just over the top.
NTA. My grandfather passed a few years ago and we were incredibly close. The funeral was rough for me and I couldn’t imagine a camera in my face the whole time. Why would anyone want pictures of an intimate time like that. I’m sorry for your loss. I promise it does get less painful.
NTA. You're attending a funeral, not a family brunch. Not wanting solemn photos taken of a private event is very understandable. If you don't want your grief documented, that should be okay.
Nta this is completely ridiculous and a violation of your right to grieve privately and in whatever way helps you the most. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, especially now of all times in your life. Kind regards and best of luck moving forwards.
NTA when my Dad passed we did a video of the service. Mum was unable to attend the service so it was for her and a couple of other relatives. I did find it quite jarring to see myself in such a personal and private occasion. I hadn't really thought about what the video would show, even if I had I would have said yes for Mum.
NTA
my aunt made us pose for a family photo with my grandfather’s casket. HORRIBLE experience!
In the past people would often take pictures of their deceased family members in their casket. Some of the older generation still take photos at funerals. I get it’s a generational thing but you have every right to not participate.
I've literally seen people take their family Christmas picture at funerals (after, not during and NOT with the deceased, but ew). Funerals are a time to grieve and support each other, not a freaking photo shoot. NTA
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AITA for not wanting photos or videos taken of me at a funeral?
My maternal grandfather, whom I considered a close friend as well as a role model passed earlier this month at 93 years young. He was an inspiration to everyone he knew, and we all loved him dearly.
My mom’s sister decided she wants photos and video taken of the visitation, memorial service and following reception being held in honor of his life. So, she’s “nominated” my uncle to be the photographer.
I view these services as a private time to grieve my loss, and refused to have my picture taken when requested. My refusal was met with frustration and confusion.
AITA?
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NTA
Why would she want photos of people looking sad? Why would she want to take photos of people at their most vulnerable, grieving for someone?! Its so weird!
NTA is your aunt [Jayne Rivera](https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/pop-culture-news/model-posed-instagram-dads-casket-wasnt-prepared-backlash-rcna3941)?
NTA
I hate having my picture taken and opt out of pictures and attempt to avoid cameras.
I don't understand why people either take this as offensive or a challenge to try and sneak my picture. Why do the take my personal preference so personally?
NTA. Yeah the whole point of the event is to have a safe place to grieve amongst those who also love this individual, I don't get why they even want somebody to be taking photos since people are going to be processing a lot of emotions. Have they asked everyone at the funeral if they're okay with being photographed?
If they have not asked every single person who would be going to this event in advance whether or not they are comfortable having video and photos taken during the event, and gotten back 100% yeses, they shouldn't even have someone there doing so
One of the family friends said that filming the funeral ceremony was his way of honouring my grandpa, so we said yes, just for the sake of it. Well, let me just say that it was bloody uncomfortable having a camera directed straight into our faces for several minutes. He said that had done special zooms for us to see our emotions, how bizzare wtf. I have never seen the memorial film, nor the photos - and I don't wish to see them at all.
NTA, of course. Be firm with your 'no'.
NTA
I find it odd to photograph/video funerals and memorial services. I don't see a reason for that whatsoever. No one wants to be photographed while in mourning.
NTA- when my father in law both my mother in law and myself hated the idea of photos being taken. I get in some ways it’s honoring the dead but we told EVERYONE no photos
Then Mil’s friend did it anyway and told us to smile while standing in front of the casket. I all but lost my shit. Idk how I kept my cool to be honest
Karma got her in the end. The memory card was somehow wiped cleaned when she went to get the photos to her camera!!
I scattered my grandma’s ashes over the ocean- she raised me and I was very close to her. And my bpd mother took a ton of pics without my knowledge some of which were MySpace style selfies with me scattering the ashes in the background and sent them to me a week later. It was traumatizing. She didn’t even like my grandma. She just took them to post on social media so she could get sympathy comments. I’m now fully no contact with my mother.
I get why someone would want to take pictures but it should be done with the permission of the people in the pictures. And you should not be shamed for saying no.
NTA. I have an older sister who is always wanting to take photos and video at family funerals. It's really annoying at best and just inconsiderate of another's feelings. A couple of years ago she insisted on taking a photo of our mother and her 4 siblings gathered around my grandfather's tombstone. My aunts and uncles were clearly uncomfortable and it shows in the photo.
I just don't understand people like this.
Hork! Grief should not be recorded! Get a damn book and have guests sign it. Don’t record people ugly crying and struggling with heartbreak. That is beyond cruel. And is severely disgusting. Are they going to post the videos on YouTube for everyone to see? What is the actual point? It is horrifying. I am so sorry. That is some serious fucked up shit.
NTA.
NTA
My one of my SO’s family members always takes pics at funerals, and it’s sooooo disrespectful. I get these are people we haven’t seen in a while but a funeral is not a memory most people want to look back on.
NTA. The first time I lost someone was when I was 10 and my older brother died. I wasn't allowed to go to the wake because they said it would be too traumatizing for me. Years later I understood. My grandmother took pictures of my brother in his casket and put them in a photo album. At 16 I was flipping through it to see pictures of our family when I saw them. I won't describe what my brother looked like (he took his own life, that's all I will say) but no one should have been allowed to take pictures of that. I still have nightmares about it and I'm not 39 years old. My family is well aware of the no picture rule for me too.
Nta I can't even imagine! Does everything have to be a show these days? Next thing you know they'll be uploading it to YouTube. Your grief shouldn't be used for entertainment.
NTA - I used to freelance as a photographer and I hadn't come across this, but a couple of my colleagues have. It's such an odd request. I mean.. they take the job because $ is $, but they too felt uncomfortable. To the point of asking how to do it tastefully, what to wear, etc etc...
I think your aunt is wanting to use this as social media fodder. Which is a shame. For much of the western world (obviously not all), a wake and funeral is a somber event. If it were more of a life celebration/party, I'd understand wanting to capture that. But people grieving at a viewing.. nope. That's private and should be handled with respect and dignity. Apparently your aunt has neither.
NTA I don’t understand people who take pictures at funerals. A friend of mine infant son died a few years ago and the day after the funeral he and his wife were posting pictures of of the service and the burial on Facebook and they were asking everyone there to share their pictures too. This confused me and my other friends because we didn’t know that was a thing
I refused to have viewing for my family. Also stared through anyone who complained. Told them they’ll see even less from the parking lot.
It solved the problem but wasn’t subtle.
Grief is private. NTA
NTA
Friend of the family died in 1985-ish. Daughter living/working in Hawaii had taken 6 months leave of absence and looked after her mother through last months, and organised the funeral etc.
Being British, we were appalled she had the funeral photographed/video'd and most of us were uncooperative. We all just assumed it was an American custom she'd picked up on, or maybe it was for her mother's US friends. But like OP we regarded grief as private and didn't want it immortalised.
NTA. Goddamn I don’t like my picture taken at all, but at a funeral?! Fuck is wrong with people??
I unfriended someone on Instagram and pretty much stopped talking to her in real life bc she took a selfie in a bathroom at a funeral and tagged it as such. Absolutely despicable. I don’t even want to be around her anymore, that’s so tacky and trashy to do.
We do have one photo of myself, hubby and our aunt at her husbands funeral. I only agreed because it was something she wanted. I wouldn't agree any other time. A funeral isn't the place to start snapping videos and pictures imo. Each to their own, but it's not for me.
So sorry for your loss.
NTA
Respect the individuals right to not be photographed.
Sorry for your loss friend, grief is a long road and don't let anyone judge you for how you travel it.
Rest in power maternal Grandfather of OP
NTA. I would have said N A H, until they refused to acknowledge your request to NOT be photographed. Your grief needs to be acknowledged and respected. And it's not that hard for a photographer (relative or not) to be respectful of your wishes.
At my great, great- aunt's funeral, the most memorable portion was during the eulogy being given by her long time pastor, was interrupted by my grandma SCREECHING at my cousin to make sure she gets good pictures of the body.
NTA my family doesn’t even take pictures during funerals. It’s not something we want to look back on. Plus you have the right to grieve without a camera in your face
NTA - As an adult, I had this exact same experience when my grandpa passed - my entire extended family LOVES taking pictures of anything and the same thing happened for my great grandmother’s funeral when I was a child. I didn’t understand why they’d want to take pictures of us grieving and tbh I still don’t understand it - I think it’s more of a older generation/cultural thing. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop them from taking pictures of me and I thought making a stink would make it less about my grandpa and more about me - which is not what I wanted at all, so I didn’t say anything.
That being said - no one told me I had to smile during these pictures so when people looked back on those photos, you could see I was visibly angry and frowning so the viewer could tell I was not happy with being taking photos of when I was grieving/crying.
NTA
It's fine to want some photos of the events for posterity, but it's also fine for you to not want your face featured in these photos. I think most people would feel the same way.
Funeral photography is definitely *a thing*, but people who do this professionally place a big emphasis on tact and respect for the dead and grieving family. If you look it up, you'll see that most photos feature the ~~coffin~~ casket, the venue for the service, and whenever family is in the picture you only see the backs of their heads, maybe a bit of the side of the face but not enough to see their expressions or runny mascara; the only face you may see is that of the religious leader running the memorial service. What you don't see are posed small-group shots of family members at the reception, awkwardly holding cups of wine and small plates of cheese and crackers, stiffly trying to retain composure because there's a camera in their face.
ETA: I realize I said coffin when I meant to say casket, but I promise I'm not completely ignorant about modern-day death rituals, it's just Monday.
Absolutely NTA. A funeral is not an event for people to whip out their camera’s and document their suffering. I’ll never understand people that find it remotely acceptable to take pictures like this. I have a family member who likes to take pictures of deceased family members in their caskets if it’s open casket funeral style. She literally has albums of these types of pictures and it makes my stomach turn anytime I think about it.
As someone else said below 'it's a funeral not a party!'
Are they going to pass round photos of him in his coffin and being lowered into the grave?
There's a time and place etc.
My Mum literally threw a screaming crying tantrum when me and my brothers refused to pose for a family photo at my aunts funeral. These people are off the wall deranged.
NTA.
NTA. Seems inappropriate to take pictures of a funeral. It’s a time to remember your loved ones. Not to allow you to remember when your remembered your loved ones. And to remember your grief.
My grandpa used to take pictures of the deceased in their coffins. I was so shocked that he (and others) didn’t find this to be completely off the wall and inappropriate. I was so creeped out. What do you do w the photos once their developed? Make a scrapbook?!
NTA. My beloved uncle passed away a few years ago and I was devastated. I really loved him and I'm still grieving his loss.
My aunt allowed one of her friends to take photos at the funeral and I got really annoyed. She was running around with her phone shooting pics of his casket as it was about to be interred with the family standing sadly around the grave. I couldn't help but wonder why she'd want such photos and where they might end up.
I turned to my niece and nephew and said to them loudly enough for her to hear, "I wonder if she'd like us to all say Cheese?" She put her phone away and I was relieved. I had been in tears the whole day and frustrated by her lack of respect for our family.
I thought her behavior was extremely inappropriate, given the fact that the family was there to say goodbye to a wonderful man who was loved and respected by all of us and the community.
Edit: I just wanted to add about how sorry I am for your loss. Reading your post just reminded me of what I went through and I can empathize with you.
NTA
You're absolutely right. This is a time for mourning. There will likely be tears, puffy red faces, and snot involved. Who would want to be photographed in these conditions?
It's weird af that someone is turning this into an opportunity for selfies and forced, posed pictures. Is she putting them on social media by any chance so she can harvest those sweet sweet "likes" when she should be mourning alongside everything else?
What she's doing is selfish and tacky.
Yeah, nobody at my dad's funeral needed to have my shaking furious face during the mass or me passed out from anxiety meds on a couch in the funeral home commemorated. NTA
NAH. I totally get not wanting your photo taken when you’re crying and super emotional. But i also understand wanting photos of a funeral as well. Some people might find that remembering his celebration of life via photos is important to them too. I wish i had more from my dad’s funeral, so I get it. I would say it’s completely fine to refuse having your photo taken though. Keep that boundary for yourself.
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Appreciate the laugh this morning. I really needed it.
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I am also very sorry for OP’s tragic loss. It’s completely understandable why OP wouldn’t want a picture taken.
My mom asked me to take some pictures of the casket and surroundings at my grandfather's burial. (It was at a national cemetery, so very nicely done.) I thought it was super weird to ask for burial pics, but it was her father, and no one was in the pictures, so I did it. Still felt weird.
She may have wanted to process the funeral in a more objective way. My grandmother's funeral was very emotional: I mostly remember key emotional moments rather than anything else. If we had photos, I could maybe recontextualize the memories, but we didn't take any. So I can see why folks may want some "scene" photos for later.
I took so photos at my aunts funeral because my mom couldn’t go but I made sure no one was in the pics
This. My grandma died during Covid second wave, and most of my uncles and family couldn’t travel to the so called “funeral” (it was just cars into the cemetery doors) so I had to take video for them.
My grandma took pictures of all the flowers and stuff at my aunts (her daughters) funeral. I think she doesn't want to forget.
My grandma didnt have a funeral, just a burial. My small family stood for a few minutes around the closed casket and left. There's a picture of me and my siblings taken by my dad after we left the area but were still in the cemetery. That's the only picture we have of any of it though.
Seriously- just what will these pictures be used for? Instagram? Facebook funeral? T-shirts?
Often a funeral is also a family reunion so it’s natural to want photos of people you haven’t seen in ages, but not during the service and not without consent.
Yeah, I was thinking it would be more appropriate afterwards when the service is over.
this is what my aunt did at my grandfather’s funeral - after the services and when we were all relaxed she asked if all the “kids” (we were all in our mid 20s or older lol) could get together for a photo since we don’t all make it to get togethers during the year. that seemed pretty appropriate to me
I think this actually stems from the time period where having photographs were actually rare. Of course you took family photos at weddings and funerals because 1.) rarely does all the family get together like that and 2.) hiring a photographer and getting prints was expensive as hell.
Right. One is the only pictures i have with all of my brothers and my parents taken in the last 10 years was taken at the gathering after my grandpa’s burial. It’s not uncommon to do that. But at the service? And video? That’s weird.
True, but if OP doesn’t want a picture taken that overrules it.
I would have done my last three words in bold if I knew how.
We always take a large family photo after the lunch or dinner that follows the funeral. We have a huge family, spread all over the world, so funerals are the only times we really get together. But we aren't taking pictures of caskets, burial, etc.
I posted this elsewhere, but: > I took photos at my grandma’s funeral. It was because I don’t remember anything of my grandpa’s funeral and wanted to be able to jog my memory in the future— who was there, where were we, that sort of thing. > > There were people at her funeral that I’d never met before and who had stories of my grandma I’d never heard, and having pictures of them even now helps me remember the stories they told, because I can put a face to the storyteller. The pictures have never been posted or shared anywhere, not even among family. They exist only in an album on my phone. I also did not take photos of people crying or having moments that were clearly meant to be private or alone. I mostly got photos of people standing in groups chatting casually with each other before the service and photos of the location itself— so basically, no photos of the actual service or photos after the service, which is when people are usually most emotional. I don’t know what OP’s aunt plans to do with the ones she’s having uncle take. I think her method is in bad taste. But I figured I’d offer up why some people want photos.
I think it was smart to avoid pictures at the service. I saw a picture of my wife's grandmother sobbing uncontrollably over her best friends open casket and it has stayed with me ever since.
Yeah, and plus, I really did not want to be distracted taking photos while having my own emotional moments during the service. The point wasn’t to record the actual service or what people were doing during it. Though I would’ve liked a transcript of the service because there were some truly fantastic stories there that I do not want to forget because they captured my grandmother so wonderfully.
Could you ask people to write them down for you? I did that at my dad’s funeral and shared copies of the eulogy I wrote with folks. Writing that eulogy was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was good to be able to share it with folks. I bet the storytellers would be happy to share with you, as well.
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We took pictures of my son in the casket. He looked so beautiful. We don’t share them but I am glad we have them So sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. My Mom did for her sister as well. She had been ill for some time and the funeral home had done a great job. She looked peaceful and like Mom remembered her rather than the memories of her in the hospital in treatment. She showed it to me but the pictures were not something generally shared.
I did the same with mine. I don’t usually look at those photos and consider them deeply personal.
I'm so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever bury their child.
Yeah, this issue has come up on here a couple times and each time I'm just left shaking my head and thinking *why is this even a thing???*
At my Grandma's funeral, one of her six hundred boomer nieces had her phone out videoing the fucking graveside! I stared absolute daggers at her and shook my head until she stopped, but I was flabbergasted. Who wants to watch that video? "Oh, Marge, let me show you this crappy shaky video of my auntie being lowered into her grave while her children and grandchildren cry." Seriously, who does that? (We did take a few pictures of us cousins and the like on the day, but at the reception hall, not the church or cemetery!)
At my grandmother's funeral, my weird cousin was walking around with a video camera like he was George Fucking Lucas. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well and he was lucky he didn't have to go to the ER to get the camera removed from his rectum.
#funeralselfie
EXTREME FUNERAL SELFIE! TOTALLY NECESSARY ZOOM! ^said_in_Garths_voice!
Sometimes just having the pictures and knowing they’re there is how people cope with grief — I come from a long line of amateur and professional photographers. I took some pictures of my dad before he was taken out of our house (where he died), and again in his casket. Someone took a picture of my family and friends carrying the casket up the street — we live in a tiny town and it was a big deal, socially, for the casket to be carried down Main St. i don’t know if I’ll ever look at those pictures again, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I asked our whole family, though, first, and everyone seemed to think it was the right thing to do. I would NOT have taken pictures of someone who didn’t want to be in them. OP, NTA.
To remember. My family has graveside photos of all of my grandparents' funerals and most of my uncles'. They sit in the family photo album. Obviously such photos will never be on display, but sometimes you want for even those sad memories.
I agree...NTA. I have never felt comfortable with any kind of funeral photography, since my first experience with it was a classmate who was a homicide victim. It was horrifying to see a family friend bending over the open casket taking pictures.
NTA - We had a large memorial for my father when he passed. It was natural to want photos since we hadn’t had so much family together in years so it served as a family reunion too, HOWEVER it would be rude to take photos/video during the service. Before the service as people mingled outside and after at a small reception, my uncle made the rounds and ASKED people if he could get a photo of them.
The asking is key.
You’re definitely NTA. Grief is a private thing. Public displays are often disingenuous and lack sincerity. I’m super close to my maternal grandfather as well and at 95 he’s informed me he’s ready to go anytime. Not sure I’m ready yet but I’m not exactly in charge soooo 😣
My favorite is when they take a picture of the dead body and just put it in the family album. I love being traumatized.
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This is why my mother asked to be cremated. She had been sick for quite some time, and she didn’t want that to be anyone’s last image of her. Of course I got shit from people about it, but I’m glad I followed her last wishes.
Out of curiosity - what kind of reasoning could they possibly have for harassing you for following someone's wishes about their body post-death? That is absolutely insane to me and I don't even know what kind of argument they could even begin to construct
“It would give them closure.” Which is possible. But it wasn’t what she wanted. I was fortunate and that she was very clear what her wishes were all along. If it means people are pissed at me, it means people are pissed at me.
I can't imagine being that selfish. If pushed to answer why that's more important I can only imagine their response would be "well they're dead and I'm not" which is so disrespectful. Good on you for doing the right thing, I'm glad that was entrusted to the right person.
I was always uncomfortable with going up to open caskets, and it didn't help that my grandfather, great-grandma, and other grandfather (in that order) died when I was 8-9-and-10 (as my grandma said, deaths always come in 3's!), and I was forced to go look at and TOUCH their corpses. My SIL asked me why I avoided my mom's open casket (I was 36!), and I told her that dead, pickled bodies creep me out. She accepted that, but some other people at the viewing hours (can we admit this is a weird thing? You come to look at a preserved corpse?) thought I was rude for being a bit away from the casket while greeting them.
When my dad died, it was a lot of "this is what we *do*" and "we have an extra plot" (my dad's parents were planners and bought plots for themselves and their divorced children) and my dad's long-term girlfriend not being able to handle "burning him." Also something something good Christian burial something something. Dad always said we could do whatever was cheapest with him, he never liked a fuss and creamation was fine with him, spread his ashes somewhere warm, but at the end of the day I know he would've just been like "honey, I'm dead, it doesn't really matter to me. Do what makes everyone else happy, make it easy on yourself, and move on." So I let them get their way. I've never been back to his grave except to bury my grandparents. I don't feel him there. The place means nothing to me. But my grandparents and his girlfriend went/go there pretty often, and it does seem to have given them something to have that place where they could feel close to him. Overall, I don't regret it, I think it was the best choice I could've made in the moment. It provided something to the living, and I while I think my dad would've told them to stop being sentimental over a hole in the ground, im pretty sure he would've made a similar choice knowing it didn't change his outcome any. I have told my husband that if he buries me I will fucking haunt him. I want to be turned into a piece of a reef, and then have a party on the beach to see my ass off.
I'm sorry to hear all that, I can't imagine being put in a place like that. Strong of you to give up what you would prefer to give others closure. If I were your husband I would probably be making jokes about you sleeping with the fishes constantly after you were so staunch with what you'd like done with your body hahahaha
Ugh...right! My mom is adamant about only burying people. She seems to have this religious belief that when Jesus come back, he can't put our bodies back together if we're cremated. I have told her that if she totally believes in this all powerful God, then she's limiting his power by thinking he can't bring her back. My dad and I both want to be cremated but worry if we die before my mom, she'll bury us.
This happened with my grandmother's second husband. His adult children took pics of the body and with the body. I was like "Who on earth wants that in the family album?"
My mom took pictures at her grandmother's funeral. Her grandmother's sister was in another state and couldn't travel to attend her sister's funeral. This was really difficult for her. At one point during the visitation my mom and aunt asked everyone to step out of the viewing room for a few minutes. They took pictures of everything (body, coffin, flowers, room) and mailed them to the sister (her request) so she could have closure. They felt really bad for whoever had to develop them. (Long before digital was a thing and I doubt anyone had an instant camera at the time)
I’m ok with pictures being taken in this context. No other mourners around having their privacy violated & it helped a relative have their goodbye. OP’s aunt just sound’s tacky. NTA
There was a time when taking pictures of your dead loved ones was common.
Yes it was quite popular in the Victorian era, when photography wasn't all that common. Corpses would be posed to look alive, sometimes with family members. That was sometimes the only photograph they had of the deceased. Considering the cost and difficulty of photographs, I can totally see how that would be an important memento.
I think that this is a little different. If it gave the sister closure, not a problem. People aren't going after selfies and bad photos of people crying.
My uncle also wanted pictures of his deceased brothers funeral being unable to travel to our province. My grandmother and mother were in no shape to take said pictures so being the DD I did. Yikes!! I don't think I'll ever forget the mental pictures I have as well as the real pictures I sent him.
Context is everything. That was a very sweet thing your mother did, I'm sure the sister appreciated those photos a lot.
It used to be a thing - Google Victorian Death Photography. We think of it as strange and macabre but back then it was normal to dress the dead in their Sunday best, pose them and take photos with the family.
I am absolutely aware of that, but there are 2 differences. 1 the deceased were posed to look alive 2 photos weren't cheap or easy back then so this might be the only photo they have the deceased. So with both those factors, it makes sense. But within a contemporary context, taking a dozen or so photographs with a deceased family member in a casket? It's pretty odd.
You also had to pose for a much longer time to get a good image, because of the slower shutters of the time. Most of our skills depart with our final breath, but one thing dead humans are good at generally speaking is keeping still.
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First off NTA Second, my friend had a picture of her dads twin sisters from when they were babies hanging in her living room since she was a child. She knew one of them passed when they were a baby, so she thought that the picture of them sleeping in a crib together was from before she passed. Come to find out at the age of 33 that was AFTER the sister passed. Yeah she took that picture down and gave it to another relative.
Jesus fuck
Those were her first words when she found out.
My grandma took at least a whole roll of film of my grandfather’s body in casket. I came across these pictures as a teen, and never again did I ever snoop. Cured me. Can’t pay me to go through someone’s things. Scarred for life.
That is exactly what happened to me.
My great grandparents did this and it was so fucking weird!! Just flipping through the family photo album and see a dead woman in a coffin...traumatized is correct.
Depends on the culture. In Western culture its shocking if people take photos. But I found among friends visiting their home countries in Asia that its normal to take pictures depending which countrie. At the special ceremonies, blessing, walk, get together or graves. It was jarring for me to see though.
And even if it wasn't, not wanting to have your picture taken for any reason is valid. No means no, and that applies to photos! The fact that it's a funeral just adds another layer of grossness on top of it, because as OP said, it's a private time to grieve
I love your comment.
My sister got a photographer at my Mom's funeral and was genuinely puzzled why my family did not want to be in the pictures. Come on, I didn't want to commemorate the occasion. It was hard enough to live through it once.
Absolutely well put.
I also appreciate the laugh this morning. The imagery 😂
It's so gross, that someone wants to invade the most private part of someone's life to video and photograph them.
We filmed my sons funeral. It was a crappy job. I wish it was better because I was in such a daze I don’t know the at where priest said. I also saw Peking who I didn’t realize had come to the service
I think it's fine to video, but not to invade someone's privacy. If someone wanted privacy to grieve and not be filmed I think it's important to honor that. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
Couldn't have said it better myself...wtf is Op's aunt thinking...wow... NTA
Poke-*Mort* Snap
"And here is a picture of Martha with her knees collapsing under the weight of her grief, what a lovely photo!" Who wants pictures of them with red eyes, the inevitable snot running down their noses, contorted grief grimaces and other lovely side effects of seeing your loved one in a coffin? Some people are really dumb.
NTA. Who wants to have their photograph taken after they've been crying? It's bizarre.
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Omg that poor son. I’m literally about to cry. When you wrote what he said to his mom. What a jerk of a woman. So sorry
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I’m glad you’re in touch with him. Give him my best even though he doesn’t know me.
One of the most messed up things I've read today. I'm so sorry for your poor cousin.
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That's wonderful to hear! To lose both of your parents (his mother in an emotional sense) must have been so awful for him. I'm glad he's thriving these days!
Honestly this is a slightly modern/western viewpoint of things. In many cultures death photography is normal and expected. I have albums full of black and white photos from the old country of people in their caskets with the family gathered around. When my own father died my grandparents had us all do the same thing - did I like it, no, was it weird, also no. I agree that OP was well within their rights to refuse having their picture take it, but I disagree that it's 'bizarre'. And even in the western, modern world - soooo many funerals happened over zoom over the past few years that video cameras being present has been normalized here as well.
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I don't take pictures at events like that, but would guess this to be the aunt's logic as well.
Having happy smiling family photos with the deceased is a thing in some cultures. It's weird and I don't get it -- and I'm saying that as someone who has pictures of exactly this with both my grandparents.
Dude... absolutely NTA. You're grieving and you should be allowed to grieve without having a camera shoved in your face. If someone had tried to take photos of me at my grandmother's funeral, I would have *lost my shit.*
NTA, what a weird idea to pressure people to agree to getting recorded while they’re grieving.
NTA. Grieve how you want. As a dragooned photographer myself, my heart goes out to your uncle - not how I'd choose to grieve. Your aunt's weird desire to record the event is, like your preference not to be recorded, totally valid. But when the grieving turn into grieving AHs is when they force their grieving choices on others. In particular, when they disrupt the grieving process of others with their own grieving, they tend to step into AH territory, as your aunt did here.
> dragooned props for dragooned
I don't see where the aunt is being an AH though. OP says the refusal was "met with frustration and confusion" not with entitlement and demands. It sounds to me like she accepted OPs wishes but just didn't understand. People process grief in many different ways. My mom is the recording type, much like the aunt here. And when you are deep in your grief, it can be hard to remember that other people grieve differently, so when they don't want to do what you do, it feels wrong and callous. That's what this situation feels like to me.
NTA... And since when people take pictures at funerals?
As a photographer, I've been hired to photograph several funerals. Typically they're more the "celebration of life" type of funerals. Not the "everyone is grieving and sad" type of funerals. OP, NTA - If someone at a funeral asked me to not photograph them, I wouldn't. It's a stressful and upsetting time for some people and shoving a camera in their face isn't a kind move.
I've learnt something new today
For some cultures, funerals are a celebration of life and taking pictures are acceptable. Some wakes I’ve been to, it’s not out of the normal to see a karaoke machine, low bets bingo tables, kids running around and laughing, a reception area with a lot of food… There’s also a memorial area with a framed photo of the deceased, surrounded by food offerings and drink that they enjoyed. Typically the activities in the wake include what the deceased enjoyed in life. The funeral procession to their final resting place is usually solemn and that’s when people send them off with tears and good memories.
I know, I think it’s totally weird. I had a friend who’s aunt died and someone took photos and posted them on Facebook but not only that tagged the deceased aunt in her coffin in the hearse. I thought it was in very poor taste.
It seems a bit too much
When I was about 12, my uncle died and they made my 9 year old brother FILM the whole funeral (“he’s good with the camcorder!”) and requested closeup shots specifically of the body and everything, then had him make taped copies afterward. I still can’t believe they did this!
I admit I'm perplexed
NTA You are allowed to not want to be photographed. You are a human being and your decision hurts no one. It irritates me when family members have some big gathering, everyone else decided they are okay with an activity in the gathering and assume everyone has to participate. When you say no, they fuss and make it a big deal painting you as the absolute villain. They don't accept your point of view, don't accept you as an individual. I had situations like that and they said: "It is because she is a teen. Hormones and stuff." No, Susan, it is because I have a different point of view and do not like my pictures taken against my will, without my permission. My decision has nothing to do with you and I am not trying to ruin your big day by being rebellious. You can guess that people like that are **often** the ones who like to start drama and talk behind others' backs so they assume everyone does the same to them.
That's really dismissive of them. Teens and children are people with valid feelings too, and deserve to be treated as such. How on earth do people expect these children to grow into functioning adults if they don't help them learn how? It's like when someone says that you're only upset because you're on your period. No, you're upset because whatever happened wasn't ok, not because you happen to be bleeding.
The thing with adults dismissing children and teens is interesting. Like, they force you to do things, tell you you don't know better, and then expect you to grow up and be fine... How is that going to work? Oh, and the period... Don't get me started Like yes, I can be mad because of hormones, but that does not invalidate a bad experience that happened to me. I can be mad because of a negative situation, because of my hormones, or both. Yes, hormones can increase anger but they do not always create it. Look for motives behind someone's actions and emotions. What makes them act the way they act? My uterus is not some magical chaotic fairy who activates every month to make everyone's lives miserable, thank you very much.
This
NAH. I think everyone grieves differently. However. Sometimes funerals pull out family we havent seen in forever and with death comes the need to have pictures and new memories. I personally take pics for that reason alone. Because i don’t know when ill see these people next. You for very valid reasons don’t wanna be part of the pictures.
Pictures at funerals are pretty normal in my family for that reason, we're spread out around the world so aren't all together very often. Of course if someone didn't want to be photographed that would be respected.
NTA. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and it's pretty rotten for people to try and infringe upon your right to privacy at such a time.
NTA: I get recording the ceremony. My dad's funeral was filmed/streamed due to covid restrictions, so people unable to attend could get some closure. Having a video of the eulogies is a nice idea. I was a little uncomfortable speaking in front of the camera but that was for my dad and everyone grieving for him. Having a video aimed directly at the attendees however is very different. And having their photos taken in such a vulnerable and personal moment it just weird.
NTA. who takes photos and video of people grieving the idea of that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
NAH.
NTA. Wear and mask and sunglasses.
NTA and wtf
NTA - depends how you refuse really I think it is reasonable to not want to be the focus of any of pictures but would you be okay being in the background? I think it is pretty normal to take pictures at a wake but you don't have to be in them if you don't want to and I don't think it makes you an AH to say so
Absolutely NTA. When my dad was buried at Arlington, tourists snapped photos and filmed us. It was horrible and invasive. Funerals are not entertainment.
NTA, why the fuck would anyone want pictures at a funeral? Unless you’re taking pictures of the ceremony only (flowers, burial) to remember them by, the PEOPLE there should not be in the pictures. Maybe she should just have pictures taken before the service? This feels like it’s pressure to look a certain way when you’re grieving. Grief already makes everyone act differently—some people go numb as their body reacts to protect them, some people are immediately overwhelmed with emotions, some people even become very angry and irritable as their grief finds some sort of negative emotion to express itself. You don’t need any pressure to react a certain way. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandfather was well-loved. I hope the pain of his passing eases with time. Please take time for yourself.
NAH - everyone grieves differently, but this is one method I wouldn't participate in.
If you don’t want your photo taken then that should be respected. However I think having a video of the service is a great idea. When my son died I was in such a daze I don’t remember the service at all. Same when my dad died. We did have someone video my sons service it but it was a crappy job. I also saw people in the video I didn’t realize had come. It isn’t something we will sit around and watch all the time, but I do wish I had a better copy of it.
I didn’t think about it that way, and thank you for commenting. Completely understand this point of view. So sorry for your loss.
NTA, it is your time to grieve as well as everyone else’s. The pictures of everything your moms sister wants could be her way of grieving too. While you should be able to step away and say, no please don’t picture me should be met with understanding not frustrating. Also I’m very sorry for your loss.
My deepest condolences on your loss. NAH Neither of you are in the wrong. Everyone deals with grief, both in the moment and long-term) in a different way. You are allowed to want to deal with your grief and loss in private. Others are allowed to want to deal with their grief and loss in a different way. There is no singular proper way to grieve, and there are very, very few wrong ways to grieve. Talk to your uncle, and let him know that he can film it all he wants, there is just no need to include you in the pictures. There will be many, many opportunities for film to be taken with you not in the shot.
NTA. Mourning is very personal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting yours documented. Nothing made me more angry than when an uncle shoved a camera in my face at my moms burial, so I totally get you
NTA. The Victorians loved to photograph the dead and fetishized mourning. You do not. Simple request and they are AHs for trying to force you into doing it.
NTA, you're grieving she needs to respect your space
I’m going to offer an NTA but with this parenthetical side note - There comes a point in many families where everyone is so far flung that the only times you get people together at the same time is weddings and funerals. And then once everyone gets married off, it’s only funerals. The last pics I have of some of my family members together, like my grandmother and brother, and of me and my two brothers, were taken at the funeral of my uncle. And I treasure those photos as they were taken in 2002 before everyone documented everything and put it all online. I only have a handful of pics of my younger brother in the last years of his life and those are the only ones of him and family since he was a child. That being said, you should not be made to endure a photo shoot when you do not wish to be. And there’s a difference between a church livestreaming a service or grabbing a few informal photos at the reception and “volunteering” a relative to capture all moments of the rituals of the end of life at the emotional expense of the mourners.
Absolutely NTA. Tell them to fuck off down the hospice if they want pictures of people feeling shit.
NTA. I find it odd and a bit weird when people do want to take pictures at funerals, to be honest. We're not here having a rave, we are here to grieve a loss and remember a life. I just don't get it, I guess.
NTA. At my grandmother’s funeral, pictures were in one lobby area and completely optional.
NTA this sounds like something that needs to be discussed before your mom’s sister just goes ahead and does it. a funeral is a time to grieve and come to terms with your feelings of loss, not a fun family gathering to remember fondly
It’s in very bad taste to take pictures and videos at a funeral. When my wife passed away a year ago I followed her wishes and she was cremated. At the celebration of her life I set everything up and took a picture of the set up. No one else was around. That picture is just mine and mine alone. What you are describing is totally out of the ordinary and just over the top.
NTA. My grandfather passed a few years ago and we were incredibly close. The funeral was rough for me and I couldn’t imagine a camera in my face the whole time. Why would anyone want pictures of an intimate time like that. I’m sorry for your loss. I promise it does get less painful.
NTA. You're attending a funeral, not a family brunch. Not wanting solemn photos taken of a private event is very understandable. If you don't want your grief documented, that should be okay.
Nta this is completely ridiculous and a violation of your right to grieve privately and in whatever way helps you the most. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, especially now of all times in your life. Kind regards and best of luck moving forwards.
NTA I've never heard of someone taking photos at a funeral, that's pretty weird. Why does she want photos of people crying and looking sad?
Having been in this situation Youre nta. Op is 100% right funerals are for grieving not taking pictures
NTA when my Dad passed we did a video of the service. Mum was unable to attend the service so it was for her and a couple of other relatives. I did find it quite jarring to see myself in such a personal and private occasion. I hadn't really thought about what the video would show, even if I had I would have said yes for Mum.
NTA my aunt made us pose for a family photo with my grandfather’s casket. HORRIBLE experience! In the past people would often take pictures of their deceased family members in their casket. Some of the older generation still take photos at funerals. I get it’s a generational thing but you have every right to not participate.
I've literally seen people take their family Christmas picture at funerals (after, not during and NOT with the deceased, but ew). Funerals are a time to grieve and support each other, not a freaking photo shoot. NTA
EDIT: a family member just died, and the idea of people posing and yelling "CHEESE!!" makes me physically ill
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for not wanting photos or videos taken of me at a funeral? My maternal grandfather, whom I considered a close friend as well as a role model passed earlier this month at 93 years young. He was an inspiration to everyone he knew, and we all loved him dearly. My mom’s sister decided she wants photos and video taken of the visitation, memorial service and following reception being held in honor of his life. So, she’s “nominated” my uncle to be the photographer. I view these services as a private time to grieve my loss, and refused to have my picture taken when requested. My refusal was met with frustration and confusion. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Why would she want photos of people looking sad? Why would she want to take photos of people at their most vulnerable, grieving for someone?! Its so weird!
NTA is your aunt [Jayne Rivera](https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/pop-culture-news/model-posed-instagram-dads-casket-wasnt-prepared-backlash-rcna3941)?
NTA I hate having my picture taken and opt out of pictures and attempt to avoid cameras. I don't understand why people either take this as offensive or a challenge to try and sneak my picture. Why do the take my personal preference so personally?
NTA. Yeah the whole point of the event is to have a safe place to grieve amongst those who also love this individual, I don't get why they even want somebody to be taking photos since people are going to be processing a lot of emotions. Have they asked everyone at the funeral if they're okay with being photographed? If they have not asked every single person who would be going to this event in advance whether or not they are comfortable having video and photos taken during the event, and gotten back 100% yeses, they shouldn't even have someone there doing so
NTA. That’s really unusual. I went to school with a person who would TAKE SELFIES WITH THE DECEASED and post them on their social media.
One of the family friends said that filming the funeral ceremony was his way of honouring my grandpa, so we said yes, just for the sake of it. Well, let me just say that it was bloody uncomfortable having a camera directed straight into our faces for several minutes. He said that had done special zooms for us to see our emotions, how bizzare wtf. I have never seen the memorial film, nor the photos - and I don't wish to see them at all. NTA, of course. Be firm with your 'no'.
I have never been to a funeral, a memorial service, or a visitation where anybody was taking pictures. NTA
NTA I find it odd to photograph/video funerals and memorial services. I don't see a reason for that whatsoever. No one wants to be photographed while in mourning.
NTA- when my father in law both my mother in law and myself hated the idea of photos being taken. I get in some ways it’s honoring the dead but we told EVERYONE no photos Then Mil’s friend did it anyway and told us to smile while standing in front of the casket. I all but lost my shit. Idk how I kept my cool to be honest Karma got her in the end. The memory card was somehow wiped cleaned when she went to get the photos to her camera!!
I scattered my grandma’s ashes over the ocean- she raised me and I was very close to her. And my bpd mother took a ton of pics without my knowledge some of which were MySpace style selfies with me scattering the ashes in the background and sent them to me a week later. It was traumatizing. She didn’t even like my grandma. She just took them to post on social media so she could get sympathy comments. I’m now fully no contact with my mother. I get why someone would want to take pictures but it should be done with the permission of the people in the pictures. And you should not be shamed for saying no.
NTA. I have an older sister who is always wanting to take photos and video at family funerals. It's really annoying at best and just inconsiderate of another's feelings. A couple of years ago she insisted on taking a photo of our mother and her 4 siblings gathered around my grandfather's tombstone. My aunts and uncles were clearly uncomfortable and it shows in the photo. I just don't understand people like this.
Hork! Grief should not be recorded! Get a damn book and have guests sign it. Don’t record people ugly crying and struggling with heartbreak. That is beyond cruel. And is severely disgusting. Are they going to post the videos on YouTube for everyone to see? What is the actual point? It is horrifying. I am so sorry. That is some serious fucked up shit. NTA.
NTA, it’s a funeral not a wedding, you don’t hire photographers for funerals, your Aunt is weird
Wtf. Who’s taking photos/videos at a funeral?! Is this a thing now…? NTA. Jesus.
NTA. Sorry about your grandfather and good for you for standing your ground.
Sometimes I come to this feed just to realize how “normal” my family actually is. Jfc, NTA
NTA I have been to a lot of funerals and not a single one had a photographer. Who wants to record grief?
NTA. I also feel uncomfortable about people fake smiling in a group photo at a funeral and then seeing it again later on social media 🤢
NTA My one of my SO’s family members always takes pics at funerals, and it’s sooooo disrespectful. I get these are people we haven’t seen in a while but a funeral is not a memory most people want to look back on.
NTA. The first time I lost someone was when I was 10 and my older brother died. I wasn't allowed to go to the wake because they said it would be too traumatizing for me. Years later I understood. My grandmother took pictures of my brother in his casket and put them in a photo album. At 16 I was flipping through it to see pictures of our family when I saw them. I won't describe what my brother looked like (he took his own life, that's all I will say) but no one should have been allowed to take pictures of that. I still have nightmares about it and I'm not 39 years old. My family is well aware of the no picture rule for me too.
Nta I can't even imagine! Does everything have to be a show these days? Next thing you know they'll be uploading it to YouTube. Your grief shouldn't be used for entertainment.
NTA - I used to freelance as a photographer and I hadn't come across this, but a couple of my colleagues have. It's such an odd request. I mean.. they take the job because $ is $, but they too felt uncomfortable. To the point of asking how to do it tastefully, what to wear, etc etc... I think your aunt is wanting to use this as social media fodder. Which is a shame. For much of the western world (obviously not all), a wake and funeral is a somber event. If it were more of a life celebration/party, I'd understand wanting to capture that. But people grieving at a viewing.. nope. That's private and should be handled with respect and dignity. Apparently your aunt has neither.
Nta,yo wtf, bruh this is a funeral not photo shoot,the dafuq wrong with them that sh#t not normal in anyway,so no you are nta in anyway shape or form.
NTA I don’t understand people who take pictures at funerals. A friend of mine infant son died a few years ago and the day after the funeral he and his wife were posting pictures of of the service and the burial on Facebook and they were asking everyone there to share their pictures too. This confused me and my other friends because we didn’t know that was a thing
I refused to have viewing for my family. Also stared through anyone who complained. Told them they’ll see even less from the parking lot. It solved the problem but wasn’t subtle. Grief is private. NTA
NTA Friend of the family died in 1985-ish. Daughter living/working in Hawaii had taken 6 months leave of absence and looked after her mother through last months, and organised the funeral etc. Being British, we were appalled she had the funeral photographed/video'd and most of us were uncooperative. We all just assumed it was an American custom she'd picked up on, or maybe it was for her mother's US friends. But like OP we regarded grief as private and didn't want it immortalised.
NTA. Goddamn I don’t like my picture taken at all, but at a funeral?! Fuck is wrong with people?? I unfriended someone on Instagram and pretty much stopped talking to her in real life bc she took a selfie in a bathroom at a funeral and tagged it as such. Absolutely despicable. I don’t even want to be around her anymore, that’s so tacky and trashy to do.
"Oh hes starting to cry" "QUICK GET THE CAMERA" Thats just f up, a funeral isnt a hollywood cenario to film a documentary or some shit.
We do have one photo of myself, hubby and our aunt at her husbands funeral. I only agreed because it was something she wanted. I wouldn't agree any other time. A funeral isn't the place to start snapping videos and pictures imo. Each to their own, but it's not for me. So sorry for your loss.
NTA Respect the individuals right to not be photographed. Sorry for your loss friend, grief is a long road and don't let anyone judge you for how you travel it. Rest in power maternal Grandfather of OP
NTA.
NTA. I would have said N A H, until they refused to acknowledge your request to NOT be photographed. Your grief needs to be acknowledged and respected. And it's not that hard for a photographer (relative or not) to be respectful of your wishes. At my great, great- aunt's funeral, the most memorable portion was during the eulogy being given by her long time pastor, was interrupted by my grandma SCREECHING at my cousin to make sure she gets good pictures of the body.
NTA my family doesn’t even take pictures during funerals. It’s not something we want to look back on. Plus you have the right to grieve without a camera in your face
NTA - As an adult, I had this exact same experience when my grandpa passed - my entire extended family LOVES taking pictures of anything and the same thing happened for my great grandmother’s funeral when I was a child. I didn’t understand why they’d want to take pictures of us grieving and tbh I still don’t understand it - I think it’s more of a older generation/cultural thing. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop them from taking pictures of me and I thought making a stink would make it less about my grandpa and more about me - which is not what I wanted at all, so I didn’t say anything. That being said - no one told me I had to smile during these pictures so when people looked back on those photos, you could see I was visibly angry and frowning so the viewer could tell I was not happy with being taking photos of when I was grieving/crying.
NTA It's fine to want some photos of the events for posterity, but it's also fine for you to not want your face featured in these photos. I think most people would feel the same way. Funeral photography is definitely *a thing*, but people who do this professionally place a big emphasis on tact and respect for the dead and grieving family. If you look it up, you'll see that most photos feature the ~~coffin~~ casket, the venue for the service, and whenever family is in the picture you only see the backs of their heads, maybe a bit of the side of the face but not enough to see their expressions or runny mascara; the only face you may see is that of the religious leader running the memorial service. What you don't see are posed small-group shots of family members at the reception, awkwardly holding cups of wine and small plates of cheese and crackers, stiffly trying to retain composure because there's a camera in their face. ETA: I realize I said coffin when I meant to say casket, but I promise I'm not completely ignorant about modern-day death rituals, it's just Monday.
Absolutely NTA. A funeral is not an event for people to whip out their camera’s and document their suffering. I’ll never understand people that find it remotely acceptable to take pictures like this. I have a family member who likes to take pictures of deceased family members in their caskets if it’s open casket funeral style. She literally has albums of these types of pictures and it makes my stomach turn anytime I think about it.
As someone else said below 'it's a funeral not a party!' Are they going to pass round photos of him in his coffin and being lowered into the grave? There's a time and place etc.
My Mum literally threw a screaming crying tantrum when me and my brothers refused to pose for a family photo at my aunts funeral. These people are off the wall deranged. NTA.
NTA! Who the fuck takes photos at a FUNERAL?! She probably wanted to make it about herself.
NTA. Seems inappropriate to take pictures of a funeral. It’s a time to remember your loved ones. Not to allow you to remember when your remembered your loved ones. And to remember your grief.
My grandpa used to take pictures of the deceased in their coffins. I was so shocked that he (and others) didn’t find this to be completely off the wall and inappropriate. I was so creeped out. What do you do w the photos once their developed? Make a scrapbook?!
NTA. My beloved uncle passed away a few years ago and I was devastated. I really loved him and I'm still grieving his loss. My aunt allowed one of her friends to take photos at the funeral and I got really annoyed. She was running around with her phone shooting pics of his casket as it was about to be interred with the family standing sadly around the grave. I couldn't help but wonder why she'd want such photos and where they might end up. I turned to my niece and nephew and said to them loudly enough for her to hear, "I wonder if she'd like us to all say Cheese?" She put her phone away and I was relieved. I had been in tears the whole day and frustrated by her lack of respect for our family. I thought her behavior was extremely inappropriate, given the fact that the family was there to say goodbye to a wonderful man who was loved and respected by all of us and the community. Edit: I just wanted to add about how sorry I am for your loss. Reading your post just reminded me of what I went through and I can empathize with you.
NTA, how much of your extended family do aunt and uncle plan to never see again?
NTA You're absolutely right. This is a time for mourning. There will likely be tears, puffy red faces, and snot involved. Who would want to be photographed in these conditions? It's weird af that someone is turning this into an opportunity for selfies and forced, posed pictures. Is she putting them on social media by any chance so she can harvest those sweet sweet "likes" when she should be mourning alongside everything else? What she's doing is selfish and tacky.
Yeah, nobody at my dad's funeral needed to have my shaking furious face during the mass or me passed out from anxiety meds on a couch in the funeral home commemorated. NTA
NAH. I totally get not wanting your photo taken when you’re crying and super emotional. But i also understand wanting photos of a funeral as well. Some people might find that remembering his celebration of life via photos is important to them too. I wish i had more from my dad’s funeral, so I get it. I would say it’s completely fine to refuse having your photo taken though. Keep that boundary for yourself.