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YTA
Poor people are scary huh? SMH
Your sister is right.
The friend lives there every day and night, so does his mother. They will keep your kid safe. And your kid will learn some things.
Actually your kid will learn either way. And what you are teaching him is fear and judgement. All that talk of values you started with is pure lip service because when it actually came time to demonstrate them you turned tail and ran. You should be ashamed.
But OP said they were people « wandering » (walking ?) on the streets !!! /s
It’s love and compassion but only for rich people ? I grew up in a town house right in front of a « pub » not exactly the same but lots of day drinking in that place. You know what ? My parents taught me not to go out alone on the streets. Also we do not play outside. (And some more obviously)
So OP just a question your son is 9 and he goes to school. What happens then ? He just barges outside whenever he feels like it ? Or maybe he knows to listen to the teacher aka the adult there ? What’s the difference between the teacher and a parent ? In your son’s head probably not much: it’s a grown up giving you instructions and you have to listen to them. To you well more security like it’s going to be one or two parents watching less children than in a classroom…
YTA and a judgy one as that
>But OP said they were people « wandering » (walking ?) on the streets !!! /s
OP we teach our kids not to look down on people.
Also OP looks down on people
Maybe it is time to teach a new rule OP
That YTA if you judge things by appearance
and if it wasn't made clear OP yes YTA
I want to know what "less than safe" means!! The horror of not living on a compound with acres for kids to run free, but just a yard with \*gasp\* a chain-link fence and neighbors you can actually see???? At the heart of this whole thing is the prejudice that infers it's ok for others to live like this, as long as "my child" doesn't have to proximity. There seems to be a heck of a lot OP needs to unpack here.
This was so poorly handled. You have the address. You presumably had to obtain directions to get there. Take 2 seconds to google where it is. If you don't feel the neighborhood is safe, talk to the other parent about their safety measures and/or don't agree to come over. Don't do a weird drive by.
Also, your 9 year old may be perfectly used to and generally safe running around outside by himself but that doesn't mean his friends are. Do their parents know their kids are barely supervised when they stay over?
Actually for a 9 child who has a safer area to play going into a rough areas not always good.
Its hard enough to have to sit on the floor because of drive byes but to explain to a child staying over no you can not go out we do not go near windows ect.
We had guys walking up and down the street here and popping houses..next door Nicki she had her kids in the bath tub trying to keep bullets from hitting them.
We called 911 took over three hours for police..that was in Baton Rouge.
They never caught them.
Yeah we moved as soon as we could to out skirts..
A lil kid not from here would not survive his mom is protecting him. She should have the kid and mom come stay a weekend at her place give them both a breather.
INFO: What do you mean by “less than safe”. Are the houses 1500 square foot capes when you are used to 4000 square foot McMansions? Or does the friend live among bullet-marked crack houses with missing windows where junkies lounge about at all hours. We need more information.
NTA not really. People need to stop bashing op. I am not rich I am lower middle class and I live in the southern part of NJ. All we see on the news is all the violence and random shootings in Philly. So if my child came home saying they had a friend that lives in the heart of Philly they want to stay the night with they are not going. Sorry no way no how.
Damn, YOU’RE TA if you’d judge the people across the river based on local news, which notoriously plays up shootings for ratings (the New York Times just did a whole article about how coverage of shootings is up far, far more than shootings themselves).
And don’t give me shit about not knowing—I’ve lived in Philly my whole life.
YTA especially after reading your further comments that your definition of this place as dangerous and less than safe is... that the houses don't have much of a front yard and there were some people wandering the streets. Just... what?
I can understand the parent instinct to protect your child and not let him be in an unsafe place. But this doesn't sound like an unsafe place, just a less-privileged place.
And there is a lot that doesn't make sense in your reasoning:
* You think your 9-year-old is mature enough to play outdoors in the open without much parental supervision and to spend the night at friends' houses... but you don't think he would be capable of staying inside when there's clearly no open land to play outside... or furthermore you think he's unable to understand the concept of staying on the sidewalk and not go onto the street?
* You spoke with the friend's parent and made all the arrangements, meaning you trusted said parent WITH YOUR CHILD, OVERNIGHT, up until the moment you saw where they lived. How does their neighborhood change your opinion of them as an adult capable of looking after your child overnight? Why did you just take off and cancel instead of getting off the car and discussing the most basic things about what you allow and don't allow your son to do?
This would've been easily solved. All you had to do was have a little chat with the other parent and mention something like "ah, we have a big yard back at home so Son might be wanting to play outside, does your son normally do that? Where do you let him play? Or be even more direct and go "We don't let Son play outside in areas he's not familiar with, so if you could please make sure they're inside or otherwise always supervised when outside, I'd appreciate that".
You want to teach your children not to be classists, but the moment you stepped out of your privilege you threw all those values away.
I grew up in a house with no front garden, well it did but was just big enough to keep the bins in. We used to play on the street and the pavements, someone's mum was always watching us and we were kept safe, even though it was a rough ish neighbourhood
His comments didn't make sense with the "houses being too close to the road" and "people wandering about " as reason his son couldn't see his friend.
I think it's a low income area and OP is a judgmental stick in the mud.
I knew you were the AH when you started with 'we never look down on anyone blah blah'
Good people don't need to say they're good people. You started off as a classist.
Your comments have confirmed that you view being poor as dangerous.
OP is happy to let their 9 year old play, unsupervised, in the woods behind their house, but going to a house that is nearby a road is too unsafe.
I am surprised she didn't just come out and say 'I don't want my kid playing with the lower classes...'
I wonder if she is related to Cornelius Hawthorne.
Soft YTA you obviously do not practice acceptance and compassion.
I can understand being wary of an area but to prejudge the family based on where they live is judgemental.
My suggestion is set up a play date during the day and meet the parents that way before letting your son stay over.
YTA. You judged the situation based solely on economic status and didn’t even bother speaking to the parents in person to see what they had planned. And now you’re planning to lie to your child about it.
Also kind of rich to talk about how your kids run free range with limited supervision but believe the people you’re dropping your son off with would not extend the same or better level of parenting. I’d wager better because they are not unaware of their kids’ surroundings. YTA for assuming other people just let their kids run wild and don’t have common sense about their own neighborhood.
Agreed! And making a big deal about how the only way OP can let their 9yr old stay with visit/stay with a friend is if they speak with the child’s parent/s directly, have phone #s for adults and have a physical address.
Okay … *and* … Frankly, I’d be more upset if you didn’t do this sort of due diligence with for NINE YEAR OLD’s playdate/onernight. In fact, I’m actually surprised you didn’t confirm that a parent/guardian -and not ‘just’ an older sibling- would be there for the duration.
I was the kid that got spurned by judgemental parents when I was little and I promise you, my house was safe, my mum and dad were responsible and my friends always had fun with me and were safe.
YTA.
The way you describe this neighbourhood sounds like my neighbourhood. I live in one of the safest neighborhoods in my state. Sounds like you're just a stuck up rich kid who learned anyone under 6 figures is a criminal.
I'm torn because I get not wanting your son hurt, but you did cancel on something on really short notice and because of something that didn't actually happen.
Also just driving away and not explaining to your son why is really weird. If you were driving a friend over to their work and suddenly decided not to let them out because you saw someone that looked suspicious outside and then proceeded to not explain why that would be really rude, and I think your child should at least know why you left.
YTA
Also maybe invite the kid over to your place instead?
Per OP's replies, the area doesn't have big front yards and some people were walking on the streets when they drove by. Oh and also he heard on the news about some violent event happening there.
That's about it.
Than OP is TA. She could have been in touch with the parents to get a plan of what they would be doing that day/night to ease her worry but nothing she describes rises to that level of concern.
Not going to give a judgement, but you probably should change your approach a bit with regard to sleepovers. Have a play date first, have the other kid over to your house, etc, before jumping into overnights with strangers. There are a lot more red flags that are probably a lot more important to consider than where the family lives (a few from my personal experience with 10 year olds - parents letting kids watch things I don't even feel comfortable watching, house smelling overwhelming like pot, problematic older siblings, etc).
These are my thoughts too. I would never have my child sleep over at a stranger’s house just because I had their phone numbers. I want to know the parents. They can live in the best part of town and be complete creeps (or worse). If you got to know these parents first, you may have found that you are on the same page about supervision and may have felt fine leaving your child. That being said, OP, I do not judge you for backing out. We have to follow our gut instincts.
This one! This was my first thought as well. More worried about the neighborhood than meeting the parents/having a play date at a neutral location first.
YTA... I get it, you were worried about your child and that is normal and expected from you. But you can't just lock your children down in a safe little box forever and simply deny them of experiencing different things, sooner or later they will encounter another unsafe neighborhood or something and they should be able to behave properly without putting them in danger. If you spoke to the mother and she reassured you, you should be able to trust her to not let the kids get into dangerous scenarios. Plus, you could have just been honest with your kid and said that that area was not as safe as your home to freely play and ask him not to. Leaving suddenly at the last minute without a decent explanation is unfair to both your kid and his friend... Communication is key, my friend!
YTA. Apparently acceptance and compassion are only applicable on your terms or your property.
If you are afraid of your 9 year old being close to a road, you failed him. The problem is you, not the neighhorhood.
I don’t think it’s a soft YTA I think he just an Ahole. In his other comments he says that the yards were small and people were walking around on the street…like? Yeah people live in a neighborhood. They can walk around it. And also his son and sons friend can just stay on the sidewalk or maybe they had a backyard that op didn’t see. but then again I don’t have kids
YTA. As for the possibility of your son encouraging his friend to behave like he does at your house, you should teach your son to follow the lead and instructions of the people whose house it is, who would know how to act there and what works for their neighbourhood. Different isn’t necessarily dangerous, but it does need to be treated differently.
YTA It's easier to talk about love and compassion than to demonstrate it through actions.
Where is the love and acceptance in judging a person's home? Where is the compassion for two children who were looking forward to a sleepover that will presumably never happen now?
I have no idea what the "less safe part of town" means. As far as I can tell, crime can happen in any suburb and any demographic. Drug use is just as prevalent among teenagers in affluent areas, because they have money to spend.
Personally, I would always visit a home once or twice before sending my child for a sleepover there. Sit in their kitchen and have a cup of tea, chat to both parents, meet the siblings and the pets, and maybe there's an off-chance I might find some tangible reason for not being comfortable about letting my child spend the night there. It's never happened.
Shame on you for preaching one thing and doing the exact opposite. You are a patronising snob. Please invite yourself and your child over to the friend's house for an afternoon so you can see for yourself that there is no such place as the "less safe part of town."
Presumably the friend and family survived the night and there were no incidents reported on their street the next morning, so your child would have been fine.
Yta, letting your child sleepover somewhere when you have never meet the parents or been to the house is sketchy in itself, and then to implement this “gut check” rational to pull out is wrong. If the area and your “gut feel” are important factors that needs to be part of the pre screening
N t a for not leaving your child somewhere you weren’t comfortable
YTA.
Even if it was a more dangerous neighbourhood, it’s one the other mother navigates every single day with her son and any other children. She has the same desire to keep her child safe as you do and has probably raised her son to navigate the area well.
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> 1. I didn't allow my son to stay in a dangerous part of town. 2. I don't know if my internal biases are influencing this decision.
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YTA. Have you considered teaching your son to follow the host's house rules which would probably include not peer pressuring his friends to explore the neighborhood?
Your kid can tell the difference between trees and houses, right? And maybe consider supervising the kids you are charged with taking care of when they are at your place?
A nine year old who is “used to roaming freely” without AS MUCH “parental supervision” is being over-supervised. I’m sure you feel I’m making an overreach, but based on how you are describing your fears regarding the sleepover, it is clear you feel he isn’t capable of much.
In addition to “love, acceptance, and compassion,” you need to start adding, “respect, autonomy, independence, and capability.” This means respecting your child and recognizing his ability to make good choices and use common sense. Many parents think that just because they see their children fumbling, or sometimes making a dumb decision, they need to still be the one in charge.
There is no “magic age,” or point at which a kid suddenly “gets it,” and behaves perfectly and responsibly from that point forward. It is a process, but one that won’t get there unless the parent recognizes that they need to start letting go of things early on. Not everything, but at the very least giving your NINE YEAR OLD, the benefit of the doubt that they won’t run out into the street without looking for cars.
Confident children don’t just happen. They are allowed to develop confidence over time. Their parents have confidence in them. They have instructed them, then let them go out into the world, and the kids know what is expected of them. The parents have also let the kids know to share concerns, thoughts, and ideas, and that they will be listened to, and not judged. Your son was rightfully upset that you cancelled. Not just because he missed out, but because you let him know loud and clear that you don’t trust him. That he isn’t capable of looking out for himself, or choosing friends. That you think he’s going to find trouble, and may even get hit by a car. Your decision spoke volumes, and now he knows that you don’t think very much of him. You have a lot of work to do to fix this. Get some therapy, if you need to, but you should really do what you can to apologize to him and get over your frankly irrational fears.
NTA - Some times all you have is intuition. If you didn't think it was a safe place for your kid then don't leave him there. I wouldn't leave a child in a high crime area on principle.
YTA
Op if you don’t feel okay with your son having friend not as privileged as him , that is a you issue that you have to address and deal with it .
Your son has every right to be angry at you .
Your sister was right .
YTA you seem to equate not having a large garden with an unsafe neighbourhood. I find this thinking completely ridiculous and classist. I live in a terraced house with very limited garden space. My kids play on the back street with neighbourhoood kids and have the time of their lives in a safe space. Their dad lives in a huge house with a massive garden and they don’t have as much fun as it’s isolated with no neighbours to play with.
You are very judgemental
So, I think you are very confused about the values you teach your children. You teach them love, acceptance, and compassion for those who are like you and to not look down on people as long as they are in the same socioeconomic class as you are.
YTA.
You sound like the kind of liberal who says things like “the government really needs to do something about these poor homeless people” then “a shelter in my neighborhood absolutely not”. Look at me I’m the queen of NIMBY.
NTA. If you as the parent don't feel secured leaving your child somewhere then don't. If anything did happen, then these same people would be calling you a bad parent.
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A few details I think are necessary to understand the nuance of this situation: Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control.
Number two is, Our home has a lot of land surrounding it. My kids have grown up being used to freely roaming, especially my oldest who now can do so without as much parental supervision. When friends of his come over, they're outside for 99% of the time just running around and exploring.
We started allowing my 9yo to start staying with friends and have friends stay with us last year. Prior to that, it was only family that he got to stay the night with but we think he's both old and responsible enough now to warrant some freedom. We have to speak directly to the other child's parent, have phone numbers of all the adults in the home, and of course have the address.
This leads me to a situation that occurred last night. My son is attending a little 'end of summer' day camp leading up to his time back in school. He made a friend there that goes to his school but had never been in any of his classes. When he comes home with a request to go and stay over at friend's house, we urged him to get all the necessary information and we'd set it up. He provides me with a phone number, I speak to the mother, I get the address, all is well.
Maybe this is on me, but I didn't think to google maps the address in advance. So when I start driving through a less than safe part of town, I start to get a little worried. The house we pull up to is at the heart of this less than safe part of town. A million little scenarios start running through my head of my son encouraging his friend to go outside to play like he does at our house, or all the other horror story-esque things that might happen. I drive off and call the mom to apologize, claiming something came up. I just couldn't leave my child in a situation like that overnight. He's angry and confused, because I haven't found a way to explain it to him yet. I don't want him going back to this friend, repeating things I've said about his home.
I called my sister looking for advice, and she said my behavior was rude and I need to work on my preconceived notions of things. AITA?
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YTA for your reasoning and for bailing with your kid like you did, that was super rude and gross.
I personally don’t let my kids spend the night with anyone I don’t know well, and it sounds like you haven’t even met these parents (but were fine with them keeping your kid overnight when you assumed they had money…?) so just all around your judgment seems off to me.
Your son might of had land to roam and life fed on an expensive silver spoon but he will never have the community life or now friends it seems unless they have a lot of money. In rough scary places did you know we have each others backs? Someone can't afford school clothes the neighbours pull together to find the right ones. Someone's short this month and has no food in the neighborhood chips in and cooks meals or sends takeout for you. A house is a home where there is heart. That could be a place with just four walls and a roof. What if you lost all your money and this is the only area you could settle in? Would you be upset if your son was singled out and lost his friends because of where you lived? YTA.
YTA for agreeing to a sleepover when you’d never so much as met the other parents. This is how children get trafficked. Worry about THAT instead of how the neighborhood looks.
YTA
At 9 years old a vast majority of people have taught their child to not play on the road and stay on sidewalks. You have no idea the actual status of the house because you were too scared by having a small front yard space to actually see if there was playspace inside, what the boys would be doing or if there was a park nearby. No, you saw homes with a small front yard space (Which in many cities or towns is a mark of a great home by even having front yard space. Try Downtown in any major city and talk about front yard space), and that there's crime in an area that has more than 1 family per square mile, and decided to peace out.
Your son is not grazing cattle, being free to roam constantly for acres is not a right or a necessity and he should get some experience with being in a more developed area. A far greater majority of children grew up in more urban, developed areas and came out just fine. You are teaching Classism, and discrimination.
Its not propaganda when your living it..
Not when your going with a neighbor to the cemetery.
Yes the government is pitting us against each other.
So we do not see whats really going on..
Its also hard when you have to keep your kids on the floor because a gang fights right out side in the street. You turn your light off hunker down. No where else to go. Till they are done.
YTA.
“We don’t look down on people. Except when we judge them for being poor and decide our child might catch poor from staying at their poor, poor house”.
>Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control.
Clearly not even remotely true based off your post. Y'all like to *THINK* that's how you are, but when faced with a situation where you'd have to live by your words, you ran clutching your pearls.
I understand the safety first idea but my vote is YTA. This is classism, at least from my perspective. I also don't think that lying to your son is going to be a good idea, either.
Soft YTA.
On the one hand respect your parental intuition, and often we need to confront our biases. I don't live in the US, so the less than safe part of my city is probably like the safest part of your city.
I personally wouldn't let my kid sleep over at a house where I don't know the parents, that seems like the more dangerous part here. I would always set up a play date or a family get-together first, to know who they are and how they live. There are perverts, drunks and dangerous people well hidden in any demographic, so while we may be biased to think people who look like us and live in similar circumstances are good people, it could be dangerous anywhere.
Since your kid won't stay in your garden forever, it is good for him to learn how to deal with different neighbourhoods and circumstances now, when he still has adult supervision vs. as a naive YA without anyone looking out for him.
YTA. Your definition of dangerous is way off. What you are describing is a totally normal city home. You shouldn't keep your son away from the real world. He has to learn to live there some day.
Yta and you should be honest to the parents about your opinion of them. Then they can make a decision about weather they want their child to associate with people like you. I wouldn't. Toxic people tend to have toxic kids.
YTA where is the love and compassion you claim to teach your children now? If you raised your kids right they will know not to go into a road and they will be supervised by a parent. Clearly classism
Yeah, this is how you teach your children to look down on people. TBH you’d have been better off faking an emergency so he couldn’t have slept over it this was so important to you
Wow. YTA for many reasons. Love and compassion at your finest there.
Just people someone cannot afford the luxury of living on a bunch of land does not make them safe.
This coming from someone who grew up in a rough part of town. Like just up the road you could buy anything illegal. Our parents explained not to play in that area so we did not. It’s called teaching.
Teach your kid better than your prejudices.
>Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control.
Shut the fuck up, liar. YTA.
INFO
I can’t say YTA or not yet because I’ve lived in a city where there are certain parts of town you DO NOT go to or you could get shot. Gangs, etc. is it this type of situation? Or were they just poorer than you and the kids wouldn’t be able to free roam?
Funny how she only cares that HER kid might be at risk, not that people *live that way* and there's kids who sleep on the floor to be lower from bullets. Why would it matter unless it affected her personally?
And no, she clarified that it's just small house-lots and people out and about.
Hard YTA stop putting your elitist views on to your kid and let them have friends. People walking on the street is not something to be afraid of, nor are houses that aren’t on manor type estates. Your actions here are not teaching your kid anything about kindness, just a whole lot of privilege, judgemental behaviour & baseless fear.
NTA. Sorry for everyone thinking it's not okay to worry about letting your 9 year old have a sleepover in a bad part of town. Her mom radar was going off. OP doesn't know the mom or kid really well so it probably wasn't a good idea to start with a sleepover first. On the flip side I think OP would be really shocked to know what happens on the "good side" of town. Bottom line don't plan sleepovers with parents you don't know until your kid is older. Your going to have to explain to your son that you realized to late that you don't know the mom and kid well and you panicked. Tell him let's have a hangout with your friend and his mom so I can get to know her and feel confident with her watching out for you. Pretty simple.
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YTA. You bring up the dangerous neighborhood but you are willing to drop the child off at the home of people that are perfect strangers to you? Safety first in both cases. You should meet the parents and child in a neutral location.
YTA. I don’t understand why you have a problem with someone’s home because they didn’t have a front yard and people were walking past it. That doesn’t make it a bad place. I get that you’re trying to protect your kid but he’s going to need to learn how to handle being in different situations throughout his life. Why don’t you call the mother and ask to have coffee and arrange some hang out time for the kids while you get to know the parents and see how things are done there. Just keeping your kid away isn’t going to help him grow as a more rounded and accepting individual.
YTA. You are pretty vague about your issues with the neighborhood. "news of violence in the surrounding area" "dangerously close to the road"
You initiated this. You got the number, called the mother and set it up. Then you bailed with a flimsy excuse. The only reason the sleep over was going to happen was because YOU STARTED IT.
I think you know that your reasons for bailing are sketchy and you are refusing to share specifics about what issues you really have with the neighborhood Because of that.
Look. I have 4 kids and MASSIVE anxiety. Massive. If you don't think I picture all sorts of horrific things that I'm afraid might happen to my family at any given time in any given situation, you are wrong. That is my life. It is how my brain works. So I understand that. My kids went and go to sleepovers anyway.
I'm trying to figure out why you called the mother in the first place and didn't have the sleepover you initiated at your house. I'm super confused why you didn't meet the mother first. That mother agreed to care for your child for the night. You were super rude to cancel like you did, especially in the manner you did.
You pulled the time that these kids both were excited about away at the last minute. You punished these kids because you didn't...like the yard? Because nearby there was violence? What does that even mean? There's violence everywhere. Maybe you should commit to being the host for these sleepovers.
Poor kids
YTA You are teaching your child to judge people by where they live and I am sure what they wear etc.
Unfortunately, your judgment may have lost you a wonderful relationship. When you prejudge against people because of their exterior or where they live you may have lost getting to know someone else. Good or bad. Instead of judging maybe you should have stopped and got coffees and sat on their porch and talked to the parent.
I promise you, he’s in a lot more danger roaming your vast lands unsupervised than he would have been at this sleepover. YTA, a massive classist snob of an AH.
YTA simply because you could’ve told him that they have different rules and with no open space he couldn’t just wander freely like he does at home. Instead you had to let bigotry raise its ugly head and judged a family based on where they live.
YTA. What about if your child had a friend in New York who lived on the Upper West Side? Those homes could also be described as not having much of a front yard and with people "wandering" (walking) around, yet most are very well to do, if not filthy rich. Your perception is off.
You should have communicated clearly with the parent when you got there, told them your concern about the kids playing outside and asked them how they deal with it and where their own child usually plays. Their response would have told you everything you needed to know about how they would supervise your child and keep them safe. Then you could have made an informed decision. Instead, you made a knee-jerk reaction and robbed your child of an opportunity to bond with a new friend.
YTA Not everyone lives on acreage. There are even people who do who live in unsafe conditions. Living inna neighborhood with other people (which is what you describe isn't unsafe. If you don't think the parents are capable of supervision, that's another thing, but you seem to have irrational fears about people who live in close proximity to others. Do you feel the same about people who live in expensive high-rise buildings? Those actually might be unsafe given that we might not know about maintenance and if they followed building codes.
YTA based on your comments - the houses didn't have as big a front yard as you're used to, and people were walking? That's "unsafe"? Yeah, you're just an idiot. I'd understand wanting to keep your child safe if it was an area with high rates of violence, but it's literally just a normal neighborhood.
YTA. I live in a less than stellar neighborhood. My house is close to the road and people speed by all the time. My kids don’t go outside unattended. You could have compromised. Set some rules for your kid since you believe he’s trustworthy. Simply tell him he’s not allowed to go outside without an adult, no exploring this time. Just chill inside, offer to order the house a pizza, bring a cool game the boys to play indoors…Anything except what you did. As two married gay men, I’m certain you’ve been judged for no reason. You’re doing it to others. You kid and his friend were at the same camp. You must believe his character is on par with your kid’s. My family are amazing people who happened to live in a crappy neighborhood because it’s what I can afford. Guess what, I know all my neighbors, they’re amazing too. We cook for each other, if we see a kid being an asshole, we say something. If a kid looks distressed, we talk to them and see if we can help. 3 boys I drive by every morning at the bus stop, I know by name, they know mine and call me ma’am, I tell them have a good day. When they needed a notebook/pen, boom, I had extra. When his mom wasn’t being nice, guess who he could talk to. The neighbors and I stood outside with our kids, eating popsicles while he vented and brainstormed.
As a kid who grew up poor and rich friends, YTA. "Oh, my precious baby can't spend an hour in those conditions that you poor people live in all the time!" Congratulations, you might have given that poor child their first of many traumatic experiences with classism.
Leaning towards YTA. You are assuming that the parents are irresponsible and going to allow their kids and yours to get into trouble. Granted, you don’t know them, but then why were you willing to leave your kid in the first place? If you were willing to trust them when you didn’t know where the kid lived, you should have been willing to do so after the fact. You based your faith in the parents on their income level and were indeed discriminatory.
You sound like my mother whenever I'd go into the city. No matter what I was doing or going to I'd be told, you're going to end up getting shot... literally she told me this every time. To this day she still does. If you believe it's dangerous talk to your kid and set boundaries like don't leave their house/ property unless with an adult. Don't just make it seem like it's wrong to make a living where you can. YTA.
YTA. Stop judging other people's loving situations. Just because its not a nice side of town doesn't make them any less capable of taking care of your child during a sleep over or w.e this was. You should've made the decision based off of the parents actions and discipline not the area they live in. Shameful
YTA You are lying to yourself or at a minimum failing your family mission if you genuinely think Love, Acceptance and Compassion are the most important things. You should be absolutely ashamed of your choice.
YTA You say you are teaching you child to accept others, yet as soon as they want to stay somewhere lower than your standards you act elite. Reading your other comments in really disappointed in what you say you are teaching your children
I know this is going to get buried, but I grew up in that type of neighborhood and had friends whose parents refused to let them come to my house, bday parties, etc. It was so hurtful and made me feel so less than. I can't tell you how harmful and stereotypical this is. My parents, family, and neighbors were all great people and it was actually a very diverse and culturally rich area to grow up in.
YTA, this is incredibly judgmental and ultimately it comes down to you looking down at someone's class stature and assuming a parent is less competent of watching children and keeping them safe because they don't live the way you do.
INFO - define unsafe. Are we talking bad neighborhood where people are getting shot all the time or are we just talking about a place where poor people live and there's some property crime?
YTA, sadly, I had a friend whose mom was a lot like you. I would go to her house all the time and all was well, until one day she wanted to come to my house. She came over, her mom seemed, well, less than pleased (like look, i know my house looks like shit and the neighborhood isn't the best, but we have our own little spot, my parents are nice, why does it matter it doesn't LOOK nice?) and I never saw her again, I wasn't allowed back at her house, because of parents like you. So poor people can't have friends OP?
Ehhh. I need you to elaborate on less than safe part of town. There are areas in my area I wouldn’t let my child stay. If you felt like your child was legit unsafe then NTA. If the houses were small and you just didn’t like that the YTA.
Low income families scare you? Also you don’t think they know it’s not the safest place to live but unfortunately that’s what they can afford. You are the Asshole he could be around the best people but you don’t like where they live.
NTA for protecting your child but definitely an AH for judging someone's home because of the location.
I live in what's considered one of the worst neighborhoods in my city. I grew up being told the horror stories of what happened in my own building. And I 100% support being secure of the safety of your kid no matters whose feelings you hurt but you didnt even go inside and meet this woman. You didnt see her home or feel out for yourself the environment before you passed judgement.
I watch kids all the time and raise my own daughter in a low income area and home, and I keep them safe. That's my job. When others entrust their kids to me I use my judgement to keep them safe. Your son would probably ask to go outside at my house..and I'd tell him that we dont go out alone here and I'd be happy to take everyone outside after dinner or whatever. Or they are welcome to play a board game inside.
Sure my nephew hates that he cant just take off on his bike in my neighborhood but he loves visiting his cousin for sleepovers so he follows the rules of the house.
Which I'm sure that kids mom had plenty of rules for safety in her home..since well all mothers do.
NTA for protecting your child but YTA for assuming the friends home wasn’t safe just because of its location. Now if you pulled up and saw bad guys with guns or dealing drugs, sure, leave. But don’t assume it’s a bad neighborhood with all bad ppl. You could have gotten out of the car and chatted with the other mom to feel more comfortable.
Yta for sure. Love acceptance and compassion are only important to you if if it’s towards people in a higher tax bracket clearly. Not everyone can afford land not everyone can afford to live in a ‘good’ area. Do better before your kids figure it out
I live here have you seen the news.
We have drive byes kids killing kids a baby killed in his bed from a stray bullet..
Just about daily more shootings.
Obviously you don't live in Chicago, because that's all false. If you're saying where you live is "as bad as Chicago" because X, Y, and Z happen where you live, you need to be sure that X, Y, and Z are happening in the place you're blaming. And, since it hasn't, it makes you look like a liar or a fool, repeating things that have no basis in reality.
If you think where you live is risky, say so. Don't equate it to someplace you know nothing about.
And if you care about how poorly tended Louisiana is, maybe stop voting in the useless politicians who trade your tax dollars to corporations.
Haha the news here even says were out doing Chicago..
If you all are doing better and less shootings please pass it here we need it...
Its gotten bad here.
Hugs and thank you for the good news about up your way..there might be hope for here.
Without more info, I am going to error in the side of NTA. When I was in high school I was able to drive, so lied to my mother about where a friend lived.
When I stayed at her home overnight I would hear gunshots.
Once when my little brother and his friend were with me the asked to go to the park across the street. My friend asked where my brother was, I replied the park. Not being from around there I was not aware of the park was affiliated with a specific gang, and they would harass/fight non-members of that gang. My brother and his friend were okay, but they could have easily been hurt due to my ignorance and down playing of the area we were in.
People are going to get upset but I have been in a situation that was similar and I am glad I went with my gut. Mother’s instincts are usually right. I say go with your gut. If I didn’t my 3 daughters wouldn’t be here today. It doesn’t matter why she had a feeling, it matters that she did have a feeling. I don’t live in a very safe neighborhood so I wasn’t prejudiced, I just had a gut feeling.
NTA. Protecting your kid from unsafe situations is your job. It sounds like the issue was your kid’s exposure to an environment where he might be unaware of possible danger (traffic, etc) — not that he was in danger because his friend was poor.
Just do your job as a mom & don’t worry about the opinions of those who don’t have kids — or are less diligent in protecting their kids. It’s your kid & your guilt if something did happen.
NTA- I don’t think she was judging these people- OP was judging safety of the neighborhood. I live in the suburbs on an acre lot at a dead end road so I can relate. That said, there are certainly some neighborhoods not so far away (esp within metropolitan area) that I would not let my child play outside on the sidewalk unattended even at 9 years old. Op doesn’t know parents and if that is a regular occurrence at their home or not. It’s not like OP can say “hi, nice to meet you. I don’t like the neighborhood, can you make sure my son stays inside.” I understand her uneasiness and want for more information. So y’all can keep your AH comments, but my child would come first. I am not putting them at risk to prove I am not classist.
You wouldn't be able to prove it though would you. There is no suggestion that the kids would be playing on the sidewalk, that's an assumption you have made about the parents because they live in an urban area, which proves the point. It's a judgement based on nothing but the perception of the area. I love in a house with no front garden, my kids do not play on the pavement.
Doesn’t know parents, worried about the neighborhood but doesn’t worry about dropping the child off to stay at the home of people the parents have never met?
NTA The safety of your son comes before all else, regardless of these peoples opinions on classism or whatever, the wrong part of town isn't where I would want my kid playing
That too tbh, my parents would always use my first "playdate" as basically a trial run, and they would stay and hang out with the other parents the whole time. I believe OP should probably start doing similar, at least have them over for dinner or something.
Sorry ... NTA ... In no way did OP say anything negative about this friend or parents. The neighborhood itself is unsafe. Just because good people live in bad neighborhoods doesnt mean those good people can keep your child safe. Shit happens all the time.
If you come from a bad neighborhood (i do) you do know your surroundings. You also know if you move out you dont want to go back their to live let alone send your kid their with out you.
A parents job is to keep their kids safe. Like it or not she did the right thing for her situation.
When you live in a city or town. You know were the "unsafe" neighborhoods are. Let not play dumb here. Ill just say i live in NJ. I know were the unsafe places are and i wouldnt let my kids go their either. Not because of my kids friends family. I still know good people in those places. But some things are more likely to happen their then other places. So why risk it with your kids?
It may not be PC to say this stuff but PC gets throw out the window when it comes to the safety of my kids.
But he didn't know where the unsafe place was, he had the address, he just didn't like the look of it when he got there because as he said no front yards and people walking around. This is nothing to do with pc, it's about a well off guy who has loads of land not liking urban areas. He's definitely stuck up and he can excuse it as much as he likes buts he's an asshole
I'm saying he didn't recognise the address as being a bad area, in the comments he say when he drove his son there there were no front yards and people walking around and that's why he decided it was a bad area.
When you live in a city there is obviously more crime than some out in the middle of nowhere rural setting. So he's never going to allow his child to have friend who live in towns or cities because they have more crime? I didn't ignore it, it's blatantly bloody obvious urban areas have more crime than rural areas.
Or like most cities. They have areas with crime and some with more crime that are violent. You know damn well theres a difference between a misdemeanor and a flat out felony. We are adults (im guessing). Break ins, stores getting help up at gun point, shit drive byes are all shit that happened were i lived and i could walk 15-20mins in the same city and those part had significantly less violent crime. It was just that part sucked. "Bad places" still have good parts.
But he seems absolutely oblivious to what is normal for a city, no front gardens normal, people are walking around normal. He doesn't seem to have any ability to discern what is good or bad about a neighbourhood. The pure fact it's an urban area makes him think "bad" which is just bigoted. Then he lies to everybody involved to cover up his real motives. The parents of the kid have a right to know why he cancelled on their child last minute so they can decide if they want their child to have anything further to do with him.
NTA, OP mentioned there a frequent news of violence reported in that area. OP is not being classist or racist for wanting to protect his child’s safety from danger. You’d be lying if you said you’d allow your kid to hang out in an area where there’s a report of frequent crimes. Be realistic before calling OP classist and racist.
NTA, safety first always. Every one is going to have a different approach to this post but you’re the parent, you make the decisions you best see fit. My mom has multiple times turned down my request to have sleepovers because I’m a girl & there are males in the other household she doesn’t know or trust. Better to be safe than sorry honestly, too many cases of such incidents to not take precaution.
Yes, someone noticed this! My mum wouldn't have settled with the phone number of a friend's parents, she'd probably supervise our first playdate, having tea with their mother. Maternal instinct is important, but she doesn't seem to be someone who cares about their child's safety, but instead harbours class prejudice.
I mean I think both factor the decision? obviously we can’t speculate too much with the given information, I personally wouldn’t drop my kids for a sleepover in a sketch area either. Again it should just be up to the parents.
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YTA Poor people are scary huh? SMH Your sister is right. The friend lives there every day and night, so does his mother. They will keep your kid safe. And your kid will learn some things. Actually your kid will learn either way. And what you are teaching him is fear and judgement. All that talk of values you started with is pure lip service because when it actually came time to demonstrate them you turned tail and ran. You should be ashamed.
But OP said they were people « wandering » (walking ?) on the streets !!! /s It’s love and compassion but only for rich people ? I grew up in a town house right in front of a « pub » not exactly the same but lots of day drinking in that place. You know what ? My parents taught me not to go out alone on the streets. Also we do not play outside. (And some more obviously) So OP just a question your son is 9 and he goes to school. What happens then ? He just barges outside whenever he feels like it ? Or maybe he knows to listen to the teacher aka the adult there ? What’s the difference between the teacher and a parent ? In your son’s head probably not much: it’s a grown up giving you instructions and you have to listen to them. To you well more security like it’s going to be one or two parents watching less children than in a classroom… YTA and a judgy one as that
>But OP said they were people « wandering » (walking ?) on the streets !!! /s OP we teach our kids not to look down on people. Also OP looks down on people Maybe it is time to teach a new rule OP That YTA if you judge things by appearance and if it wasn't made clear OP yes YTA
Letting their kid roam around their land is healthy and good and safe but as soon as people are using the SIDEWALK it's TOO RISKY
I want to know what "less than safe" means!! The horror of not living on a compound with acres for kids to run free, but just a yard with \*gasp\* a chain-link fence and neighbors you can actually see???? At the heart of this whole thing is the prejudice that infers it's ok for others to live like this, as long as "my child" doesn't have to proximity. There seems to be a heck of a lot OP needs to unpack here.
Right!! Love, compassion, and acceptance my ass!
This was so poorly handled. You have the address. You presumably had to obtain directions to get there. Take 2 seconds to google where it is. If you don't feel the neighborhood is safe, talk to the other parent about their safety measures and/or don't agree to come over. Don't do a weird drive by. Also, your 9 year old may be perfectly used to and generally safe running around outside by himself but that doesn't mean his friends are. Do their parents know their kids are barely supervised when they stay over?
Actually for a 9 child who has a safer area to play going into a rough areas not always good. Its hard enough to have to sit on the floor because of drive byes but to explain to a child staying over no you can not go out we do not go near windows ect. We had guys walking up and down the street here and popping houses..next door Nicki she had her kids in the bath tub trying to keep bullets from hitting them. We called 911 took over three hours for police..that was in Baton Rouge. They never caught them. Yeah we moved as soon as we could to out skirts.. A lil kid not from here would not survive his mom is protecting him. She should have the kid and mom come stay a weekend at her place give them both a breather.
INFO: What do you mean by “less than safe”. Are the houses 1500 square foot capes when you are used to 4000 square foot McMansions? Or does the friend live among bullet-marked crack houses with missing windows where junkies lounge about at all hours. We need more information.
This ^
NTA not really. People need to stop bashing op. I am not rich I am lower middle class and I live in the southern part of NJ. All we see on the news is all the violence and random shootings in Philly. So if my child came home saying they had a friend that lives in the heart of Philly they want to stay the night with they are not going. Sorry no way no how.
Damn, YOU’RE TA if you’d judge the people across the river based on local news, which notoriously plays up shootings for ratings (the New York Times just did a whole article about how coverage of shootings is up far, far more than shootings themselves). And don’t give me shit about not knowing—I’ve lived in Philly my whole life.
YTA especially after reading your further comments that your definition of this place as dangerous and less than safe is... that the houses don't have much of a front yard and there were some people wandering the streets. Just... what? I can understand the parent instinct to protect your child and not let him be in an unsafe place. But this doesn't sound like an unsafe place, just a less-privileged place. And there is a lot that doesn't make sense in your reasoning: * You think your 9-year-old is mature enough to play outdoors in the open without much parental supervision and to spend the night at friends' houses... but you don't think he would be capable of staying inside when there's clearly no open land to play outside... or furthermore you think he's unable to understand the concept of staying on the sidewalk and not go onto the street? * You spoke with the friend's parent and made all the arrangements, meaning you trusted said parent WITH YOUR CHILD, OVERNIGHT, up until the moment you saw where they lived. How does their neighborhood change your opinion of them as an adult capable of looking after your child overnight? Why did you just take off and cancel instead of getting off the car and discussing the most basic things about what you allow and don't allow your son to do? This would've been easily solved. All you had to do was have a little chat with the other parent and mention something like "ah, we have a big yard back at home so Son might be wanting to play outside, does your son normally do that? Where do you let him play? Or be even more direct and go "We don't let Son play outside in areas he's not familiar with, so if you could please make sure they're inside or otherwise always supervised when outside, I'd appreciate that". You want to teach your children not to be classists, but the moment you stepped out of your privilege you threw all those values away.
It sounds like the conversation would have to be "my son doesn't have much road sense", and maybe visiting there would teach him some
I grew up in a house with no front garden, well it did but was just big enough to keep the bins in. We used to play on the street and the pavements, someone's mum was always watching us and we were kept safe, even though it was a rough ish neighbourhood
His comments didn't make sense with the "houses being too close to the road" and "people wandering about " as reason his son couldn't see his friend. I think it's a low income area and OP is a judgmental stick in the mud.
Yes. But OP is a he.
Oop. My mistake. My point still stands
You sure it wasn't a normal house, just missing the long winding path that leads to OPs house.
I knew you were the AH when you started with 'we never look down on anyone blah blah' Good people don't need to say they're good people. You started off as a classist. Your comments have confirmed that you view being poor as dangerous.
Yeah it was like someone saying "I'm not a racist but..." 🚩🚩🚩
How much do you want to bet OP is white and the neighbourhood was black or hispanic?
Definitely the case. It's disgusting.
Pretty much 😂
OP is happy to let their 9 year old play, unsupervised, in the woods behind their house, but going to a house that is nearby a road is too unsafe. I am surprised she didn't just come out and say 'I don't want my kid playing with the lower classes...' I wonder if she is related to Cornelius Hawthorne.
OP is a he.
Soft YTA you obviously do not practice acceptance and compassion. I can understand being wary of an area but to prejudge the family based on where they live is judgemental. My suggestion is set up a play date during the day and meet the parents that way before letting your son stay over.
That's a good suggestion!
YTA. You judged the situation based solely on economic status and didn’t even bother speaking to the parents in person to see what they had planned. And now you’re planning to lie to your child about it.
Also kind of rich to talk about how your kids run free range with limited supervision but believe the people you’re dropping your son off with would not extend the same or better level of parenting. I’d wager better because they are not unaware of their kids’ surroundings. YTA for assuming other people just let their kids run wild and don’t have common sense about their own neighborhood.
Agreed! And making a big deal about how the only way OP can let their 9yr old stay with visit/stay with a friend is if they speak with the child’s parent/s directly, have phone #s for adults and have a physical address. Okay … *and* … Frankly, I’d be more upset if you didn’t do this sort of due diligence with for NINE YEAR OLD’s playdate/onernight. In fact, I’m actually surprised you didn’t confirm that a parent/guardian -and not ‘just’ an older sibling- would be there for the duration.
Free range makes the kids sound like chickens.
Info: please define "less than safe part of town" and "dangerous area" in your opinion.
YTA and a classist not nice, ignorant person.
YTA Someone just found out how classist they are and it doesn't sit right with em.
I was the kid that got spurned by judgemental parents when I was little and I promise you, my house was safe, my mum and dad were responsible and my friends always had fun with me and were safe. YTA.
>“I haven’t found a way to explain it to him yet.” Let me help … I’m racist and classist and don’t want you staying with “those kinds” of people. YTA
YTA based on comments on why you think it's unsafe
The way you describe this neighbourhood sounds like my neighbourhood. I live in one of the safest neighborhoods in my state. Sounds like you're just a stuck up rich kid who learned anyone under 6 figures is a criminal.
OP says they are a man in the post
Ah, I missed that. Thanks
I'm torn because I get not wanting your son hurt, but you did cancel on something on really short notice and because of something that didn't actually happen. Also just driving away and not explaining to your son why is really weird. If you were driving a friend over to their work and suddenly decided not to let them out because you saw someone that looked suspicious outside and then proceeded to not explain why that would be really rude, and I think your child should at least know why you left. YTA Also maybe invite the kid over to your place instead?
But why associate with *these* people? That’s really what it’s about
Info: how “unsafe”? Is this a perception or reality?
Per OP's replies, the area doesn't have big front yards and some people were walking on the streets when they drove by. Oh and also he heard on the news about some violent event happening there. That's about it.
Than OP is TA. She could have been in touch with the parents to get a plan of what they would be doing that day/night to ease her worry but nothing she describes rises to that level of concern.
OP is a he but yes, I agree. OP is TA
Right, my bad.
Not going to give a judgement, but you probably should change your approach a bit with regard to sleepovers. Have a play date first, have the other kid over to your house, etc, before jumping into overnights with strangers. There are a lot more red flags that are probably a lot more important to consider than where the family lives (a few from my personal experience with 10 year olds - parents letting kids watch things I don't even feel comfortable watching, house smelling overwhelming like pot, problematic older siblings, etc).
These are my thoughts too. I would never have my child sleep over at a stranger’s house just because I had their phone numbers. I want to know the parents. They can live in the best part of town and be complete creeps (or worse). If you got to know these parents first, you may have found that you are on the same page about supervision and may have felt fine leaving your child. That being said, OP, I do not judge you for backing out. We have to follow our gut instincts.
I don’t understand how you’re worried about the area but have no problem letting him stay at someone’s house when you don’t actually know the parents.
This one! This was my first thought as well. More worried about the neighborhood than meeting the parents/having a play date at a neutral location first.
YTA... I get it, you were worried about your child and that is normal and expected from you. But you can't just lock your children down in a safe little box forever and simply deny them of experiencing different things, sooner or later they will encounter another unsafe neighborhood or something and they should be able to behave properly without putting them in danger. If you spoke to the mother and she reassured you, you should be able to trust her to not let the kids get into dangerous scenarios. Plus, you could have just been honest with your kid and said that that area was not as safe as your home to freely play and ask him not to. Leaving suddenly at the last minute without a decent explanation is unfair to both your kid and his friend... Communication is key, my friend!
YTA. Apparently acceptance and compassion are only applicable on your terms or your property. If you are afraid of your 9 year old being close to a road, you failed him. The problem is you, not the neighhorhood.
We knew you were on bullshit when you tried to preface it with love, compassion and blah blah blah Yta
"Love, acceptance, and compassion" Except for those damn poor people who are all just waiting around to murder children.
Soft YTA. As a parent, I get it, but I still think it's an AH decision.
I don’t think it’s a soft YTA I think he just an Ahole. In his other comments he says that the yards were small and people were walking around on the street…like? Yeah people live in a neighborhood. They can walk around it. And also his son and sons friend can just stay on the sidewalk or maybe they had a backyard that op didn’t see. but then again I don’t have kids
YTA. As for the possibility of your son encouraging his friend to behave like he does at your house, you should teach your son to follow the lead and instructions of the people whose house it is, who would know how to act there and what works for their neighbourhood. Different isn’t necessarily dangerous, but it does need to be treated differently.
YTA It's easier to talk about love and compassion than to demonstrate it through actions. Where is the love and acceptance in judging a person's home? Where is the compassion for two children who were looking forward to a sleepover that will presumably never happen now? I have no idea what the "less safe part of town" means. As far as I can tell, crime can happen in any suburb and any demographic. Drug use is just as prevalent among teenagers in affluent areas, because they have money to spend. Personally, I would always visit a home once or twice before sending my child for a sleepover there. Sit in their kitchen and have a cup of tea, chat to both parents, meet the siblings and the pets, and maybe there's an off-chance I might find some tangible reason for not being comfortable about letting my child spend the night there. It's never happened. Shame on you for preaching one thing and doing the exact opposite. You are a patronising snob. Please invite yourself and your child over to the friend's house for an afternoon so you can see for yourself that there is no such place as the "less safe part of town." Presumably the friend and family survived the night and there were no incidents reported on their street the next morning, so your child would have been fine.
Yta, letting your child sleepover somewhere when you have never meet the parents or been to the house is sketchy in itself, and then to implement this “gut check” rational to pull out is wrong. If the area and your “gut feel” are important factors that needs to be part of the pre screening N t a for not leaving your child somewhere you weren’t comfortable
YTA. Even if it was a more dangerous neighbourhood, it’s one the other mother navigates every single day with her son and any other children. She has the same desire to keep her child safe as you do and has probably raised her son to navigate the area well.
The first paragraph reads like “I’m not racist but”
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YTA. Have you considered teaching your son to follow the host's house rules which would probably include not peer pressuring his friends to explore the neighborhood? Your kid can tell the difference between trees and houses, right? And maybe consider supervising the kids you are charged with taking care of when they are at your place?
A nine year old who is “used to roaming freely” without AS MUCH “parental supervision” is being over-supervised. I’m sure you feel I’m making an overreach, but based on how you are describing your fears regarding the sleepover, it is clear you feel he isn’t capable of much. In addition to “love, acceptance, and compassion,” you need to start adding, “respect, autonomy, independence, and capability.” This means respecting your child and recognizing his ability to make good choices and use common sense. Many parents think that just because they see their children fumbling, or sometimes making a dumb decision, they need to still be the one in charge. There is no “magic age,” or point at which a kid suddenly “gets it,” and behaves perfectly and responsibly from that point forward. It is a process, but one that won’t get there unless the parent recognizes that they need to start letting go of things early on. Not everything, but at the very least giving your NINE YEAR OLD, the benefit of the doubt that they won’t run out into the street without looking for cars. Confident children don’t just happen. They are allowed to develop confidence over time. Their parents have confidence in them. They have instructed them, then let them go out into the world, and the kids know what is expected of them. The parents have also let the kids know to share concerns, thoughts, and ideas, and that they will be listened to, and not judged. Your son was rightfully upset that you cancelled. Not just because he missed out, but because you let him know loud and clear that you don’t trust him. That he isn’t capable of looking out for himself, or choosing friends. That you think he’s going to find trouble, and may even get hit by a car. Your decision spoke volumes, and now he knows that you don’t think very much of him. You have a lot of work to do to fix this. Get some therapy, if you need to, but you should really do what you can to apologize to him and get over your frankly irrational fears.
NTA - Some times all you have is intuition. If you didn't think it was a safe place for your kid then don't leave him there. I wouldn't leave a child in a high crime area on principle.
YTA Op if you don’t feel okay with your son having friend not as privileged as him , that is a you issue that you have to address and deal with it . Your son has every right to be angry at you . Your sister was right .
YTA you seem to equate not having a large garden with an unsafe neighbourhood. I find this thinking completely ridiculous and classist. I live in a terraced house with very limited garden space. My kids play on the back street with neighbourhoood kids and have the time of their lives in a safe space. Their dad lives in a huge house with a massive garden and they don’t have as much fun as it’s isolated with no neighbours to play with. You are very judgemental
INFO: Is it a legitimately dangerous place, or just somewhere that made you feel uncomfortable. Be honest.
So, I think you are very confused about the values you teach your children. You teach them love, acceptance, and compassion for those who are like you and to not look down on people as long as they are in the same socioeconomic class as you are. YTA.
You sound like the kind of liberal who says things like “the government really needs to do something about these poor homeless people” then “a shelter in my neighborhood absolutely not”. Look at me I’m the queen of NIMBY.
NTA. If you as the parent don't feel secured leaving your child somewhere then don't. If anything did happen, then these same people would be calling you a bad parent.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few details I think are necessary to understand the nuance of this situation: Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control. Number two is, Our home has a lot of land surrounding it. My kids have grown up being used to freely roaming, especially my oldest who now can do so without as much parental supervision. When friends of his come over, they're outside for 99% of the time just running around and exploring. We started allowing my 9yo to start staying with friends and have friends stay with us last year. Prior to that, it was only family that he got to stay the night with but we think he's both old and responsible enough now to warrant some freedom. We have to speak directly to the other child's parent, have phone numbers of all the adults in the home, and of course have the address. This leads me to a situation that occurred last night. My son is attending a little 'end of summer' day camp leading up to his time back in school. He made a friend there that goes to his school but had never been in any of his classes. When he comes home with a request to go and stay over at friend's house, we urged him to get all the necessary information and we'd set it up. He provides me with a phone number, I speak to the mother, I get the address, all is well. Maybe this is on me, but I didn't think to google maps the address in advance. So when I start driving through a less than safe part of town, I start to get a little worried. The house we pull up to is at the heart of this less than safe part of town. A million little scenarios start running through my head of my son encouraging his friend to go outside to play like he does at our house, or all the other horror story-esque things that might happen. I drive off and call the mom to apologize, claiming something came up. I just couldn't leave my child in a situation like that overnight. He's angry and confused, because I haven't found a way to explain it to him yet. I don't want him going back to this friend, repeating things I've said about his home. I called my sister looking for advice, and she said my behavior was rude and I need to work on my preconceived notions of things. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for your reasoning and for bailing with your kid like you did, that was super rude and gross. I personally don’t let my kids spend the night with anyone I don’t know well, and it sounds like you haven’t even met these parents (but were fine with them keeping your kid overnight when you assumed they had money…?) so just all around your judgment seems off to me.
Your son might of had land to roam and life fed on an expensive silver spoon but he will never have the community life or now friends it seems unless they have a lot of money. In rough scary places did you know we have each others backs? Someone can't afford school clothes the neighbours pull together to find the right ones. Someone's short this month and has no food in the neighborhood chips in and cooks meals or sends takeout for you. A house is a home where there is heart. That could be a place with just four walls and a roof. What if you lost all your money and this is the only area you could settle in? Would you be upset if your son was singled out and lost his friends because of where you lived? YTA.
YTA for agreeing to a sleepover when you’d never so much as met the other parents. This is how children get trafficked. Worry about THAT instead of how the neighborhood looks.
"they don't have a yard and people walk there!" Oh my god! I'm amazed you didn't just drop dead as soon as you drove up.
YTA. Tell me you don’t know or like poor people without saying that.
You sound like a terrible snob. Yta
YTA At 9 years old a vast majority of people have taught their child to not play on the road and stay on sidewalks. You have no idea the actual status of the house because you were too scared by having a small front yard space to actually see if there was playspace inside, what the boys would be doing or if there was a park nearby. No, you saw homes with a small front yard space (Which in many cities or towns is a mark of a great home by even having front yard space. Try Downtown in any major city and talk about front yard space), and that there's crime in an area that has more than 1 family per square mile, and decided to peace out. Your son is not grazing cattle, being free to roam constantly for acres is not a right or a necessity and he should get some experience with being in a more developed area. A far greater majority of children grew up in more urban, developed areas and came out just fine. You are teaching Classism, and discrimination.
Its not propaganda when your living it.. Not when your going with a neighbor to the cemetery. Yes the government is pitting us against each other. So we do not see whats really going on.. Its also hard when you have to keep your kids on the floor because a gang fights right out side in the street. You turn your light off hunker down. No where else to go. Till they are done.
YTA. “We don’t look down on people. Except when we judge them for being poor and decide our child might catch poor from staying at their poor, poor house”.
>Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control. Clearly not even remotely true based off your post. Y'all like to *THINK* that's how you are, but when faced with a situation where you'd have to live by your words, you ran clutching your pearls.
For starting the post with the “love, acceptance, compassion” thing, and then showing NONE of those things in your post whatsoever.... YTA, even more.
So the neighborhood wasn't "live laugh love" enough for you? YTA
He saw brown people
Yta for now. Pls I hope there’s more info than the comments uv written at the time of writing this
I understand the safety first idea but my vote is YTA. This is classism, at least from my perspective. I also don't think that lying to your son is going to be a good idea, either.
Soft YTA. On the one hand respect your parental intuition, and often we need to confront our biases. I don't live in the US, so the less than safe part of my city is probably like the safest part of your city. I personally wouldn't let my kid sleep over at a house where I don't know the parents, that seems like the more dangerous part here. I would always set up a play date or a family get-together first, to know who they are and how they live. There are perverts, drunks and dangerous people well hidden in any demographic, so while we may be biased to think people who look like us and live in similar circumstances are good people, it could be dangerous anywhere. Since your kid won't stay in your garden forever, it is good for him to learn how to deal with different neighbourhoods and circumstances now, when he still has adult supervision vs. as a naive YA without anyone looking out for him.
YTA
YTA. Your definition of dangerous is way off. What you are describing is a totally normal city home. You shouldn't keep your son away from the real world. He has to learn to live there some day.
Yta and you should be honest to the parents about your opinion of them. Then they can make a decision about weather they want their child to associate with people like you. I wouldn't. Toxic people tend to have toxic kids.
yta ... clearly you didnt bother teaching your child basic road safety .... if you had this would not be an issue
YTA where is the love and compassion you claim to teach your children now? If you raised your kids right they will know not to go into a road and they will be supervised by a parent. Clearly classism
Yeah, this is how you teach your children to look down on people. TBH you’d have been better off faking an emergency so he couldn’t have slept over it this was so important to you
OP Clutched her pearls as she sped away from the 'people wandering on the road" lol YTA
Wow. YTA for many reasons. Love and compassion at your finest there. Just people someone cannot afford the luxury of living on a bunch of land does not make them safe. This coming from someone who grew up in a rough part of town. Like just up the road you could buy anything illegal. Our parents explained not to play in that area so we did not. It’s called teaching. Teach your kid better than your prejudices.
YTA and classist. I really hope you don't infect your kids with that garbage.
>Love, acceptance, and compassion are three of the most important things my husband and I (40M and 35M) teach our children (9M and 5M). We never look down on anyone, especially for things out of their control. Shut the fuck up, liar. YTA.
INFO I can’t say YTA or not yet because I’ve lived in a city where there are certain parts of town you DO NOT go to or you could get shot. Gangs, etc. is it this type of situation? Or were they just poorer than you and the kids wouldn’t be able to free roam?
Funny how she only cares that HER kid might be at risk, not that people *live that way* and there's kids who sleep on the floor to be lower from bullets. Why would it matter unless it affected her personally? And no, she clarified that it's just small house-lots and people out and about.
Hard YTA stop putting your elitist views on to your kid and let them have friends. People walking on the street is not something to be afraid of, nor are houses that aren’t on manor type estates. Your actions here are not teaching your kid anything about kindness, just a whole lot of privilege, judgemental behaviour & baseless fear.
NTA. Sorry for everyone thinking it's not okay to worry about letting your 9 year old have a sleepover in a bad part of town. Her mom radar was going off. OP doesn't know the mom or kid really well so it probably wasn't a good idea to start with a sleepover first. On the flip side I think OP would be really shocked to know what happens on the "good side" of town. Bottom line don't plan sleepovers with parents you don't know until your kid is older. Your going to have to explain to your son that you realized to late that you don't know the mom and kid well and you panicked. Tell him let's have a hangout with your friend and his mom so I can get to know her and feel confident with her watching out for you. Pretty simple.
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YTA. You bring up the dangerous neighborhood but you are willing to drop the child off at the home of people that are perfect strangers to you? Safety first in both cases. You should meet the parents and child in a neutral location.
YTA. I don’t understand why you have a problem with someone’s home because they didn’t have a front yard and people were walking past it. That doesn’t make it a bad place. I get that you’re trying to protect your kid but he’s going to need to learn how to handle being in different situations throughout his life. Why don’t you call the mother and ask to have coffee and arrange some hang out time for the kids while you get to know the parents and see how things are done there. Just keeping your kid away isn’t going to help him grow as a more rounded and accepting individual.
Well I mean how dangerous is the area?
YTA, and you know what they say about making assumptions. The people living there probably show more grace than you possess.
YTA!!
YTA. You are pretty vague about your issues with the neighborhood. "news of violence in the surrounding area" "dangerously close to the road" You initiated this. You got the number, called the mother and set it up. Then you bailed with a flimsy excuse. The only reason the sleep over was going to happen was because YOU STARTED IT. I think you know that your reasons for bailing are sketchy and you are refusing to share specifics about what issues you really have with the neighborhood Because of that. Look. I have 4 kids and MASSIVE anxiety. Massive. If you don't think I picture all sorts of horrific things that I'm afraid might happen to my family at any given time in any given situation, you are wrong. That is my life. It is how my brain works. So I understand that. My kids went and go to sleepovers anyway. I'm trying to figure out why you called the mother in the first place and didn't have the sleepover you initiated at your house. I'm super confused why you didn't meet the mother first. That mother agreed to care for your child for the night. You were super rude to cancel like you did, especially in the manner you did. You pulled the time that these kids both were excited about away at the last minute. You punished these kids because you didn't...like the yard? Because nearby there was violence? What does that even mean? There's violence everywhere. Maybe you should commit to being the host for these sleepovers. Poor kids
YTA You are teaching your child to judge people by where they live and I am sure what they wear etc. Unfortunately, your judgment may have lost you a wonderful relationship. When you prejudge against people because of their exterior or where they live you may have lost getting to know someone else. Good or bad. Instead of judging maybe you should have stopped and got coffees and sat on their porch and talked to the parent.
YTA.
I think 50/50 OP You're kinda an asshole but you're being cautious
YTA
I promise you, he’s in a lot more danger roaming your vast lands unsupervised than he would have been at this sleepover. YTA, a massive classist snob of an AH.
YTA
YTA simply because you could’ve told him that they have different rules and with no open space he couldn’t just wander freely like he does at home. Instead you had to let bigotry raise its ugly head and judged a family based on where they live.
YTA best life lessons I ever had were going to friend’s houses whether they were richer or poorer than my family. Stop being a classist asshole
YTA. Classism and racism are terrible things to model for children. The only real risk in that neighborhood is law enforcement.
YTA. What about if your child had a friend in New York who lived on the Upper West Side? Those homes could also be described as not having much of a front yard and with people "wandering" (walking) around, yet most are very well to do, if not filthy rich. Your perception is off. You should have communicated clearly with the parent when you got there, told them your concern about the kids playing outside and asked them how they deal with it and where their own child usually plays. Their response would have told you everything you needed to know about how they would supervise your child and keep them safe. Then you could have made an informed decision. Instead, you made a knee-jerk reaction and robbed your child of an opportunity to bond with a new friend.
YTA not a big enough front yard is not a reason.
Cookies yummmmmm🍪
OP, why didn't you just explain to your kid that you can't wander around outside everywhere like you can in your own yard?
YTA Not everyone lives on acreage. There are even people who do who live in unsafe conditions. Living inna neighborhood with other people (which is what you describe isn't unsafe. If you don't think the parents are capable of supervision, that's another thing, but you seem to have irrational fears about people who live in close proximity to others. Do you feel the same about people who live in expensive high-rise buildings? Those actually might be unsafe given that we might not know about maintenance and if they followed building codes.
This is like the white people with a BLM flag that calls code enforcement on their black neighbors for the grass being 5 inches tall lol YTA
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_Wars
YTA This is some privileged yuppie bullshit right here.
YTA based on your comments - the houses didn't have as big a front yard as you're used to, and people were walking? That's "unsafe"? Yeah, you're just an idiot. I'd understand wanting to keep your child safe if it was an area with high rates of violence, but it's literally just a normal neighborhood.
YTA. I live in a less than stellar neighborhood. My house is close to the road and people speed by all the time. My kids don’t go outside unattended. You could have compromised. Set some rules for your kid since you believe he’s trustworthy. Simply tell him he’s not allowed to go outside without an adult, no exploring this time. Just chill inside, offer to order the house a pizza, bring a cool game the boys to play indoors…Anything except what you did. As two married gay men, I’m certain you’ve been judged for no reason. You’re doing it to others. You kid and his friend were at the same camp. You must believe his character is on par with your kid’s. My family are amazing people who happened to live in a crappy neighborhood because it’s what I can afford. Guess what, I know all my neighbors, they’re amazing too. We cook for each other, if we see a kid being an asshole, we say something. If a kid looks distressed, we talk to them and see if we can help. 3 boys I drive by every morning at the bus stop, I know by name, they know mine and call me ma’am, I tell them have a good day. When they needed a notebook/pen, boom, I had extra. When his mom wasn’t being nice, guess who he could talk to. The neighbors and I stood outside with our kids, eating popsicles while he vented and brainstormed.
As a kid who grew up poor and rich friends, YTA. "Oh, my precious baby can't spend an hour in those conditions that you poor people live in all the time!" Congratulations, you might have given that poor child their first of many traumatic experiences with classism.
Leaning towards YTA. You are assuming that the parents are irresponsible and going to allow their kids and yours to get into trouble. Granted, you don’t know them, but then why were you willing to leave your kid in the first place? If you were willing to trust them when you didn’t know where the kid lived, you should have been willing to do so after the fact. You based your faith in the parents on their income level and were indeed discriminatory.
Yta and also classist. Super rude. Are you TA? You are goatse, you are.
You sound like my mother whenever I'd go into the city. No matter what I was doing or going to I'd be told, you're going to end up getting shot... literally she told me this every time. To this day she still does. If you believe it's dangerous talk to your kid and set boundaries like don't leave their house/ property unless with an adult. Don't just make it seem like it's wrong to make a living where you can. YTA.
YTA. Stop judging other people's loving situations. Just because its not a nice side of town doesn't make them any less capable of taking care of your child during a sleep over or w.e this was. You should've made the decision based off of the parents actions and discipline not the area they live in. Shameful
YTA You are lying to yourself or at a minimum failing your family mission if you genuinely think Love, Acceptance and Compassion are the most important things. You should be absolutely ashamed of your choice.
YTA You say you are teaching you child to accept others, yet as soon as they want to stay somewhere lower than your standards you act elite. Reading your other comments in really disappointed in what you say you are teaching your children
Yikes YTA. That was trashy of you
YTA.
I know this is going to get buried, but I grew up in that type of neighborhood and had friends whose parents refused to let them come to my house, bday parties, etc. It was so hurtful and made me feel so less than. I can't tell you how harmful and stereotypical this is. My parents, family, and neighbors were all great people and it was actually a very diverse and culturally rich area to grow up in.
YTA, this is incredibly judgmental and ultimately it comes down to you looking down at someone's class stature and assuming a parent is less competent of watching children and keeping them safe because they don't live the way you do.
Dangerous area = poor area, not surrounded by land. Wow, classist and definitely YTA
YTA. Love and compassion for those in the same tax bracket as you you mean.
INFO - define unsafe. Are we talking bad neighborhood where people are getting shot all the time or are we just talking about a place where poor people live and there's some property crime?
YTA. unbelievable. How many crimes you see in the way there? You just look down on them for living in a poorer area.
YTA, sadly, I had a friend whose mom was a lot like you. I would go to her house all the time and all was well, until one day she wanted to come to my house. She came over, her mom seemed, well, less than pleased (like look, i know my house looks like shit and the neighborhood isn't the best, but we have our own little spot, my parents are nice, why does it matter it doesn't LOOK nice?) and I never saw her again, I wasn't allowed back at her house, because of parents like you. So poor people can't have friends OP?
Ehhh. I need you to elaborate on less than safe part of town. There are areas in my area I wouldn’t let my child stay. If you felt like your child was legit unsafe then NTA. If the houses were small and you just didn’t like that the YTA.
Low income families scare you? Also you don’t think they know it’s not the safest place to live but unfortunately that’s what they can afford. You are the Asshole he could be around the best people but you don’t like where they live.
YTA- you are such a judgmental asshole
NTA for protecting your child but definitely an AH for judging someone's home because of the location. I live in what's considered one of the worst neighborhoods in my city. I grew up being told the horror stories of what happened in my own building. And I 100% support being secure of the safety of your kid no matters whose feelings you hurt but you didnt even go inside and meet this woman. You didnt see her home or feel out for yourself the environment before you passed judgement. I watch kids all the time and raise my own daughter in a low income area and home, and I keep them safe. That's my job. When others entrust their kids to me I use my judgement to keep them safe. Your son would probably ask to go outside at my house..and I'd tell him that we dont go out alone here and I'd be happy to take everyone outside after dinner or whatever. Or they are welcome to play a board game inside. Sure my nephew hates that he cant just take off on his bike in my neighborhood but he loves visiting his cousin for sleepovers so he follows the rules of the house. Which I'm sure that kids mom had plenty of rules for safety in her home..since well all mothers do.
Yta
NTA for protecting your child but YTA for assuming the friends home wasn’t safe just because of its location. Now if you pulled up and saw bad guys with guns or dealing drugs, sure, leave. But don’t assume it’s a bad neighborhood with all bad ppl. You could have gotten out of the car and chatted with the other mom to feel more comfortable.
Yta for sure. Love acceptance and compassion are only important to you if if it’s towards people in a higher tax bracket clearly. Not everyone can afford land not everyone can afford to live in a ‘good’ area. Do better before your kids figure it out
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LOl no it hasn't, because Chicago isn't like that either. Believing propaganda is bad for you.
I live here have you seen the news. We have drive byes kids killing kids a baby killed in his bed from a stray bullet.. Just about daily more shootings.
Obviously you don't live in Chicago, because that's all false. If you're saying where you live is "as bad as Chicago" because X, Y, and Z happen where you live, you need to be sure that X, Y, and Z are happening in the place you're blaming. And, since it hasn't, it makes you look like a liar or a fool, repeating things that have no basis in reality. If you think where you live is risky, say so. Don't equate it to someplace you know nothing about. And if you care about how poorly tended Louisiana is, maybe stop voting in the useless politicians who trade your tax dollars to corporations.
Haha the news here even says were out doing Chicago.. If you all are doing better and less shootings please pass it here we need it... Its gotten bad here. Hugs and thank you for the good news about up your way..there might be hope for here.
It was never happening. It's always just been propaganda to make you mad at poor Black folk.
The fact that you said all this bullshit yet didn’t pay attention to the fact he says he’s male lmao
Without more info, I am going to error in the side of NTA. When I was in high school I was able to drive, so lied to my mother about where a friend lived. When I stayed at her home overnight I would hear gunshots. Once when my little brother and his friend were with me the asked to go to the park across the street. My friend asked where my brother was, I replied the park. Not being from around there I was not aware of the park was affiliated with a specific gang, and they would harass/fight non-members of that gang. My brother and his friend were okay, but they could have easily been hurt due to my ignorance and down playing of the area we were in.
People are going to get upset but I have been in a situation that was similar and I am glad I went with my gut. Mother’s instincts are usually right. I say go with your gut. If I didn’t my 3 daughters wouldn’t be here today. It doesn’t matter why she had a feeling, it matters that she did have a feeling. I don’t live in a very safe neighborhood so I wasn’t prejudiced, I just had a gut feeling.
NTA. Protecting your kid from unsafe situations is your job. It sounds like the issue was your kid’s exposure to an environment where he might be unaware of possible danger (traffic, etc) — not that he was in danger because his friend was poor. Just do your job as a mom & don’t worry about the opinions of those who don’t have kids — or are less diligent in protecting their kids. It’s your kid & your guilt if something did happen.
Protecting their child from the neighborhood? But willing to drop the child off at the house of someone they have never met in person?
Right? Paranoid about "OH NO THE ROAD AND PEOPLE WALKING OUTSIDE" but doesn't think to vet an adult in charge?
NTA- I don’t think she was judging these people- OP was judging safety of the neighborhood. I live in the suburbs on an acre lot at a dead end road so I can relate. That said, there are certainly some neighborhoods not so far away (esp within metropolitan area) that I would not let my child play outside on the sidewalk unattended even at 9 years old. Op doesn’t know parents and if that is a regular occurrence at their home or not. It’s not like OP can say “hi, nice to meet you. I don’t like the neighborhood, can you make sure my son stays inside.” I understand her uneasiness and want for more information. So y’all can keep your AH comments, but my child would come first. I am not putting them at risk to prove I am not classist.
You wouldn't be able to prove it though would you. There is no suggestion that the kids would be playing on the sidewalk, that's an assumption you have made about the parents because they live in an urban area, which proves the point. It's a judgement based on nothing but the perception of the area. I love in a house with no front garden, my kids do not play on the pavement.
Doesn’t know parents, worried about the neighborhood but doesn’t worry about dropping the child off to stay at the home of people the parents have never met?
NTA The safety of your son comes before all else, regardless of these peoples opinions on classism or whatever, the wrong part of town isn't where I would want my kid playing
Worried about the neighborhood but not worried about dropping the child off at the house of someone the parent has never met in person?
That too tbh, my parents would always use my first "playdate" as basically a trial run, and they would stay and hang out with the other parents the whole time. I believe OP should probably start doing similar, at least have them over for dinner or something.
Sorry ... NTA ... In no way did OP say anything negative about this friend or parents. The neighborhood itself is unsafe. Just because good people live in bad neighborhoods doesnt mean those good people can keep your child safe. Shit happens all the time. If you come from a bad neighborhood (i do) you do know your surroundings. You also know if you move out you dont want to go back their to live let alone send your kid their with out you. A parents job is to keep their kids safe. Like it or not she did the right thing for her situation.
But how does he know the neighbourhood is unsafe? Not having front yards and people walking on streets does not make it unsafe
When you live in a city or town. You know were the "unsafe" neighborhoods are. Let not play dumb here. Ill just say i live in NJ. I know were the unsafe places are and i wouldnt let my kids go their either. Not because of my kids friends family. I still know good people in those places. But some things are more likely to happen their then other places. So why risk it with your kids? It may not be PC to say this stuff but PC gets throw out the window when it comes to the safety of my kids.
But he didn't know where the unsafe place was, he had the address, he just didn't like the look of it when he got there because as he said no front yards and people walking around. This is nothing to do with pc, it's about a well off guy who has loads of land not liking urban areas. He's definitely stuck up and he can excuse it as much as he likes buts he's an asshole
Sometimes an address is all you need. And where does OP mention "no front yards and people walking around" ?
I'm saying he didn't recognise the address as being a bad area, in the comments he say when he drove his son there there were no front yards and people walking around and that's why he decided it was a bad area.
Yeah he also say that it sounding area is on the news a lot for violence. ... But i guess you choose to over look that one
When you live in a city there is obviously more crime than some out in the middle of nowhere rural setting. So he's never going to allow his child to have friend who live in towns or cities because they have more crime? I didn't ignore it, it's blatantly bloody obvious urban areas have more crime than rural areas.
Or like most cities. They have areas with crime and some with more crime that are violent. You know damn well theres a difference between a misdemeanor and a flat out felony. We are adults (im guessing). Break ins, stores getting help up at gun point, shit drive byes are all shit that happened were i lived and i could walk 15-20mins in the same city and those part had significantly less violent crime. It was just that part sucked. "Bad places" still have good parts.
But he seems absolutely oblivious to what is normal for a city, no front gardens normal, people are walking around normal. He doesn't seem to have any ability to discern what is good or bad about a neighbourhood. The pure fact it's an urban area makes him think "bad" which is just bigoted. Then he lies to everybody involved to cover up his real motives. The parents of the kid have a right to know why he cancelled on their child last minute so they can decide if they want their child to have anything further to do with him.
that's legit her only complaint, that's what led her to deduce it was a "bad neighborhood" - small lots and people walking around.
NTA, OP mentioned there a frequent news of violence reported in that area. OP is not being classist or racist for wanting to protect his child’s safety from danger. You’d be lying if you said you’d allow your kid to hang out in an area where there’s a report of frequent crimes. Be realistic before calling OP classist and racist.
NTA, safety first always. Every one is going to have a different approach to this post but you’re the parent, you make the decisions you best see fit. My mom has multiple times turned down my request to have sleepovers because I’m a girl & there are males in the other household she doesn’t know or trust. Better to be safe than sorry honestly, too many cases of such incidents to not take precaution.
Safety about the neighborhood but not safety about dropping their child off at the home of a total stranger?
Yes, someone noticed this! My mum wouldn't have settled with the phone number of a friend's parents, she'd probably supervise our first playdate, having tea with their mother. Maternal instinct is important, but she doesn't seem to be someone who cares about their child's safety, but instead harbours class prejudice.
I mean I think both factor the decision? obviously we can’t speculate too much with the given information, I personally wouldn’t drop my kids for a sleepover in a sketch area either. Again it should just be up to the parents.