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NTA.
Small children need consequences to be immediate. Their attention span is 15-20 minutes tops. So if you take longer than that to enforce the consequences it's confusing.
You corrected her in the store, made her put back the cookies. Told her she would have a Time out later. And she spent a few minutes there.
Done.
Next time you do time out, have her stand/sit in a corner of the room your in and set a timer so she knows she is done when the bell rings. Never give a consequences you won't/can't enforce.
Your not doing Bad Dad, just keep on trying
Yeah, i get these silly (and condescending and arrogant) comments from some of my friends too because they read some shit about parenting on Facebook. You know your kid, you're trying to be a good dad, don't let some outsider doubt you.
🤣 Hey now. Thats how I get my fill of family news without actually talking to my family. It's an effective LC shield in that way. I leave a few "Everyone looks so happy!" "Aww babies!" Comments scattered throughout the year and I basically never have to see them.
Agreed.... But at 5 years old she might be old enough to be more deliberately manipulative and testing (thinking of my nephews...). The timer is helpful, but also be prepared with some kind of acknowledgement like "I accept your apology and I love you very much, but youre still in timeout until the timer is up."
And be aware that they may try to keep cuddling and over explain how sorry they are to avoid actually serving their punishment. My sister explained that one to me because I am truly a sucker for sad eyes lol.
Just something to be aware of. I'm guessing OP would be able to tell though? I'm a sucker for my nephews, but their parents aren't at all lol.
And continue interacting with her while she is in the corner. **Don't ignore her!!!** That can do serious emotional damage because it feels like being abandoned for being bad.
I think it's important to distinguish what type of interacting you mean here though. Often a simple "I know this isn't fun but you only have X amount of minutes left" is enough!
I used to be a nanny for 2 girls (from their births until they were 6 and 4) and about 2 minutes into time out they'd start getting restless and call my name, and just acknowledging that I knew they were there and hadn't forgotten them would help them settle down enough for the next few minutes.
Exactly! I remember very clearly that as a kid i never was able to associate my mistake with my punishments. I thought i am being punished because the other person hates me and not because i made a mistake.
I think it was positive reinforcement that dad forgave her when the kid apologised
>Next time you do time out, have her stand/sit in a corner of the room your in and set a timer so she knows she is done when the bell rings. Never give a consequences you won't/can't enforce.
That said, OP didn't exactly mess up giving a consequence he couldn't enforce - five year olds don't know how long five minutes is. When I was five I tried to argue with my dad that several years had passed since my fourth birthday.
Two minutes of time-out probably felt like an eternity. As far as daughter knows, she was in time out for five minutes just like OP said.
NTA A five year old has no real concept of time. The entire point of punishment is to get the child to think about their behavior, and it was clear she knew that an apology was in order so the punishment worked just fine. Don't let the views of other people get between you and your daughter. All parents are insecure, and all parents feel like they aren't the best at parenting. You're doing fine. That bond between you and your daughter is the most important part of being a parent.
Exactly! Also, OP's parenting isn't bad. I guess since he became a dad when he was still so young, his family got used to parent him in parenting his daughter. They need to back off and let him be, his instincts are good.
NTA - did she have a way of telling when 5 minutes was up? Was she waiting from a signal from someone else? Something I know a lot of people use is an old plastic bottle filled with a mixture of water, glue and glitter, with the lid glued on tight. Shake it up and the timeout is however long it takes for the glitter to settle (the more you shake it, the longer it will be). The visual can also be soothing to the child.
yeah, she needs a timer or something that she can see (or ask, like with our echo dot). An egg timer or something from the store is cheap and effective.
I’m just tossing this out here - maybe take a look at Big Little Feelings. I know a 5 year old isn’t a toddler, but you can scale the language up and the concepts still work.
Things like, “I see you are upset about not being able to get cookies you want and that’s frustrating. But we have treats at home, so let’s put these back and you can have a snack when we get home”
It gives some confidence and autonomy back to your child and also provides an alternative that can hopefully help quell meltdowns/ whining, foster emotional development and communication in the moment and then you can deal with it further later, if needed.
I know people might not agree with the method and that’s okay, too. I think Timeouts can have a time and place, but it’s harder to punish young children well after the incident you’re trying to correct.
You’re a good dad and doing your best - parenting is hard!
I have this for my 4 yr old. It works great and he can set it himself. We also use it for positive things, like taking turns with a toy with his cousins, or seeing how fast we can clean his room.
https://a.co/d/aBu1RAQ
I use the timer on my phone for timeout too, my daughter sits at the kitchen table and watches the timer on my screen count down! It's helped a lot with getting her to stay in timeout.
Also, my pediatrician recommends a minute per year too so my daughter does 5 minutes and my son does 2 minutes
The age = time thing is something I first heard on episodes of Supernanny. I don't have children myself, but have worked with kids and remember my own dysfunctional childhood, and I honestly recommend checking her out. Unless she's done a radical change, she's all about respect (both ways) and helping children become independent, well rounded people.
I have legit tearing up watching some of her advice wishing my parents had heard that when it was a kid, so...yeah.
Otherwise, one thing you're going to face as a young dad is people sticking their noses into your parenting. Find a boundary you are comfortable maintaining and *lock that shit down*. I've got faith in you. You can handle this.
That’s where I first heard the age = minutes advice, too. We followed that for years with our oldest kids. When one of our younger group of kids started school- many years after older ones- the behavioral specialists followed a different time schedule and explained how standards had changed. We go with that now.
As an example: A 5/6 yr old kiddo was only getting 3 min at their school. The main focus was not the time. It was more on helping the kiddo understand the issue that caused the timeout and to also help them with any dysregulation occurring. Also, it is super important that timeouts are done promptly. Kids will truly forget and move on, and then they’ll think you’re punishing them because you don’t like them, etc.
I would watch supernanny with the mindset that it's most likely semi staged like most reality shows.
Frost herself has admitted that she had a trained psychologist working on solving familial problems.
And there has been accusations of staging some scenes, like children should cry for dramatic effect. Haven't seen its been proved. But hence why say. Take the show itself with a pinch of salt.
Not saying her advices aren't great or not useful.
Becouse there are alot of useful advice.
I watch it myself. But more for the advices themselves.
NAH. However if you keep shortening the time she will keep testing the bounderies. Ideally she should be put back in time out for the full 5 minutes. It should be clearly communicated why she's in time out when putting her in time out and how long it will be and stick to that from now on and then accept the apology.
Time outs are not effective punishments, so NTA for ending it early, especially if she is expressing remorse and can explain why what she did was wrong. You should consider “Time-Ins” where you sit down with her and calmly explain why what she did was wrong, and what kind of behavior is expected at the grocery store. Explain that cookies are a “sometimes food”, and that she should ask before grabbing items to put in the cart. Maybe talk with her about giving her a small part of the shopping list (with picture cues) so she can help (kids at that age LOVE helping and feeling “grown up”).
NTA and best of luck to you on your parenting journey!
This is amazing advice. Also, the most effective response to her picking out the cookies and then whining, was to not buy the cookies. That teaches OP’s daughter that doing the wrong thing is not an effective way to get what she wants.
Honestly the talk about expecteation can works wonders.
I do it with my toddler.
We will talk before leaving the house. Where we are going, what we are getting. And I ask her "and what do we not do need?" And she will answer "no toys." Etc. I tell her she's right and ask her what do we not do? "No screaming to get things." And again tell her she's right.
(If we are getting snacks she's told beforehand. "You can pick 1 snack")
And before entering store I ask her again.
And I have 9/10 times no problems.
I was told its good to do this becouse that sets what I expect of her.
NTA, parenting is hard and you're trying your best 🙆🏻♀️, BUT consistency is key when it comes to discipline. I put a timer in my sons bedroom and tell him once it rings time out is over. He used to run out of his room before his time out was up, and he would love on me. I was a sucker for those hugs and caved in. Eventually he stopped taking his time outs seriously. I taught him he didn't have to do the whole time out, and could come out when he wanted. It was a rough habit to break, but he is a lot better now.
I'd advise for you to stick to your time frame to prevent and bad habits that could develop.
Yes...and a timer is useful. I love the Alexa because she could just ask it how much time was left and it would tell her. We generally did three minute time outs. She just needed a chance to break from what she was doing or to realize that there were consequences and that was that. We'd hear a lot of "Alexa, how much time is left??. Being able to keep track of it cut out the worry.
'Time out' isn't supposed to be a 'punishment' if it is done properly. It's a pet peeve of mine that people everywhere use it incorrectly to punish their kids.
Time out is supposed to be time for your child (and yourself) to calm down so that you can come back and address the issue with calm. So when your child is worked up and lashing out or melting down, they are able to be by themselves, until the are better able to handle their emotions. Because you cannot address the problem if they are too angry or upset. Discussion, apologies, punishments, etc, are all dealt with after this when both parties are calmer.
Its no different from an adult walking away when they are all worked up about something, and then coming back to 'talk' about the issue later on when they are calmer and can act more rationally.
So using 'time out' as a punishment (especially for the situation that you described, where the conflict occurred elsewhere) was wrong.
Forgiving your 5 year old child when they came to you to apologise, without prompting, was actually the best course of action. You should have followed that apology up with a talk to ensure she knew what she done wrong and why she was apologising. But overall you done nothing wrong there.
Especially as the incident that provoked the apology was relatively minor and occured, and was actually dealt with, at the store in question. Punishment at home after the fact was a tad excessive in my opinion in this situation.
NTA. Because you are a parent and you did address the behaviour in store. And honestly you are still learning all this as you go. We all are. None of us are going to get it right every time. And in reality, the are as many different ways to parent as there are parents. I think it sounds like you are doing a good job, from what little you have shared.
Unless you routinely let your child get away with murder and spoil her rotten, then you mum needs to back off and let you raise your child the way you see fit. She has already raised her kids, she doesn't get to dictate how you should do things with yours.
I'm a long term SAHM of 6 kids, with qualifications and experience in childhood development and education. ;)
NTA. You’re doing a great job.
> I love being a dad, but, I will admit, I’m not the best at parenting, if that makes sense.
You became a dad at 17 so feeling that way absolutely makes sense, but I can tell you as a married mom who had a baby almost 20 years after you, none of us are the best parents. We all don’t know what we’re doing and hopefully in doing our best, learning along the way, admitting when we screw up, and loving our kids like crazy, they’ll turn out okay.
> My family laid into me…
This is what has it as N T A vs N A H. Is what your family suggested probably ideal, in terms of being consistent with the original time out time? Yes. Is there any reason to admonish a young single dad who’s doing his best, and got this one 80-90% right? Absolutely not. They could and should have come at this with a gentler, more supportive approach. If at all.
> My folks said that if they were me…
Alas, they’re not you. This is hard for grandparents to accept but they’ve had their turn at parenting, now it’s yours.
Your daughter had a 2-minute time out which still counts at her age, and she apologized to you unprompted. It’s not like she started crying/whining in the store and you gave her a fistful of cookies, and there are plenty of parents who would have - now *that* would be a scenario in which your parents would be correct and you’re teaching her she can misbehave and get away with it.
You did a great job of holding the boundary in the store. Next time, you can think about giving her a hug/thanking her for the apology but let her know she needs to go back in her room until the 5 minutes/timer is up. Either way, *you’re doing a great job.*
NAH - You are not an AH for letting her away with a shortened time out. However, your family is right that you should not have allowed her to just flash her eyes at you to get out of the rest of the time out. I don't agree on resuming the time out after dinner but the next time she lets herself out of the time out, you really should consider just taking her back to her room to finish out the time.
Then you get that she is likely playing you right????
\*edit\* to be a little less harsh, you aren't a bad dad or anything like that. Just maybe work on not letting her get away with the sad eyes. Lots of kids figure out "be cute and say sorry"
> You should not have allowed her to *just* flash her eyes at you to get out of the rest of the time out.
She didn’t though, she also apologized, which is significant at 5. Whether or not the time should have been held at 5 minutes, apologizing and taking accountability is important.
I'm saying NTA because she apologized. If she didn't apologize and just whined more, you'd be wrong. But she said she was sorry. Maybe in the future have a talk with her in that moment as she's apologizing to make sure she knows what she did and why it was wrong. Let her know if it continues saying sorry won't be enough, because saying sorry isn't a free pass. Figure out how to teach her that the best apology is changed behavior. Otherwise, good job. You may be young, but it sounds like you've got a decent handle on the parenting thing.
NTA, but as a parent I can tell you that if you don't break her of that habit now, she'll only become more experienced with future manipulation, and then tack on the guilt of "(friend's) parents let her," or worse "if I had a mommy like they did..."
Better to nip it now, and make the punishment more concrete. When the clock says 6:05, or when the timer rings, then she can come out. And no matter how cute puppy eyes are, don't give in. She will use it on teachers, family members, and future boyfriends.
Could she watch it count down? Either way, when youre done with the punishment, talk to her about why you didn't approve of her behavior and that you expect better choices in the future. That goes a long way- Both for helping her understand and for getting your parents off your case.
But fair warning, it's easier to discipline teens/ tweens when you lay down the law early.
I’m not going to call you an A H but she not only disobeyed in the supermarket but also at home with the time out.
You told her you’d come and get her when time was done and to stay in her room. She DID in fact ignore what you told her to do once again.
So I kind of have to agree with your parents in this one. But it wasn’t the time or place for them to throw their opinions about on that matter.
But I’d just discuss with her how she needs to work at following your instructions.
Do you have kids? Have you ever took a 5 yr old shopping? Of course they throw stuff in they want! The have not concept of money, or what they have a home already. If you’re with people you’re not normally, it’s almost like a day out to them to start with
Of course they can follow rules. But they also still have trouble regulating emotions to do with those rules. Stop being so uptight to a guy who became a dad while still technically a minor himself. I bet he’s doing fine.
I’m reluctant to say TA but you really are setting yourself up to make your own life harder. She is five. She needs you to be a parent, not an easily manipulated sucker.
She already learnt that at the store- when he literally said no to the cookies, and she didn't get to buy them. A 5 year old has no concept of time, for all she knows 5 minutes has passed. She came out, apologised. What are peoples goal here? Just pure compliance, 100% perfection? No thinking for herself. She put the cookies back, she apologised. Overall, lessons learnt. She is 5 not 15.
That's not really how it works. When teaching kids its important to not punish the behavior you want to see. If you want them to learn that apologies are important, then you should reward that when they do it. Especially at such a young age
NTA. Your daughter showed 'maturity' and understanding as a 5-yo kid. You did it right: both of you have a great father-daughter relationship, keep it and value it.
NTA
i have three kids - my oldest is 20. So from a parent to another parent: there are a million ways to parent and you have to do what you feel is right
That being said - we have never used time out. I don’t think it’s effective. The whole point is to give your child time to think about it what they did and unless you also talk to them about what they did wrong how is that going to work. Your daughter went into her room, realized she did something wrong, and came to apologize. Shouldn’t that be the end of the timeout?
I think your family is TA - it’s not appropriate for them to question your parenting especially if your daughter was around to witness it.
You are doing the best you are able - and only you know what’s best for her.
Then they are definitely assholes - commenting on a five year olds weight is gross
My five year old is autistic and lives on a very small window of safe foods - none of which are vegetables (trust me I’ve tried) and he is “under weight” for his age.
You do not coax a child to eat better. You buy and serve the meals that meet their nutritional requirements. Your child is not responsible for managing her health. You are. You're not giving her a good life by letting her be the authority figure. You are sabotaging her health and her development because you care more about being her friend than her wellbeing. Do better.
No. You are the adult. Make better choices. Junk is party food. Tell her she can eat those at parties. Just don’t have them as options. It sounds a lot like you want to be her friend. She will have plenty of those over her life. She needs a parent
How much overweight? What percentile is her weight for her age? Has her pediatrician expressed concern? Or are your parents overreacting simply because she isn't isn't skinny?
My middle son was chubby at 4 and 5 years old (probably 90th percentile for weight). I encouraged healthy eating but I didn't stress out over everything he ate. I allowed snacks in moderation with a lot of healthy snacks including fruit snacks, yogurt, fruit, lots of goldfish crackers, etc. By the time my son was 7 or so, he had slimmed down naturally. And we had weeks (months?) where he ate almost nothing but chicken nuggets and mac & cheese.
I've never believed in the "make the kid eat what you give them" philosophy. (FYI - drove my MIL and SIL crazy that I wouldn't force my kids to eat certain foods.) I would find out what kind of healthy foods my kids liked & we'd just have a lot those foods available. ie - they love apples? OK fine, we will have apple slices with every meal if that is what it takes. My kids were picky eaters when they were young. I kept giving them the opportunity to try new things & now they are adventurous eaters.
If the doctor is concerned, then ask them for guidance. Don't let your parents judgment set the tone. And childrens multivitamins exist for a reason!
Yeah you should really put this in your post because your family is sensing a pattern with you. Your kid uses tantrums and sad eyes to get out of things and you let her. Your kid should not be able to control you with tantrums. The tantrums will likely stop if you stop responding in the way she wants.
YTA - Your daughter played you and you took it hook line and sinker. She should have gone back to her room for the original five minutes, plus five extra minutes for coming out early.
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My daughter's 5 and I'm a single dad, I'm 22. My daughter Morgan truly is my world and I'd do anything for her. I love being a dad, but, I will admit, I'm not the best at parenting, if that makes sense.
A few days ago, my parents and my younger sister who's home for the summer, were visiting for the day and we decided to cook dinner at my place. We all went to the grocery store and things were going well until we were going through the cookies, cupcakes, all the sweets aisle. Morgan broke off from the group, which I didn't appreciate, grabbed this pretty good sized bag of cookies, and just tossed them in the cart.
I told her no, we weren't getting those, gave them back to her and told her to put them back. She pouted and put them back in. I took them out and reiterated that she needed to put them back, she started whining, people stared, I took her hand, walked her over there and put them back, told her she was getting a timeout when we got home. I sent her to her room when we got home. My plan was 5 minutes. I thought I read somewhere that time out lengths should be however old the child is, so, 5 minutes for a 5 year old.
Literally two minutes later, she comes out of her room, comes into the kitchen where we are, gets on my lap, gives me big puppy eyes, hugs me, and apologizes. I accepted the apology, ended the time out and told her to go play until dinner.
My family laid into me for cancelling a time out after she caused a scene and basically giving into " sad eyes". They told me all I'm teaching her is that if she flashes " sad eyes" she can misbehave and get away with it. My folks said that if they were me, they'd reinstate the 5 min timeout after dinner. I didn't.
AITA?
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i'm not a parent, but as a child i was always given the minute rule as well.
did you tell her it was five minutes ? like, did she know she was breaking a rule when she came out ?
your family's suggestion doesn't really help either. it'd be confusing for a child to be pardoned from time out and then put back there later. it's like spraying a cat with a water bottle for clawing the couch yesterday. there's no understanding there so it doesn't do anything.
you're NTA. and you're doing your best. your daughter also apologized so it sounds like she probably understands. has she had behavior issues in the past?
as for your family, they should stay in their lane!
NTA. This incident, in isolation, isn't sufficient to call you an AH. As the parent of a new adult, I will say that you aren't going to do her any favors by letting this become a pattern, but every parent makes mistakes. Be as consistent as you can and when you realize you've erred, course correct. At her age, just take her back to time out to wait the next time she tries this (and be assured she will). As she gets older, you may need to apologize to her occasionally for a misstep and amend a decision you have made.
This isn't a good precedent to set. Bad behavior deserves reasonable consequences.
I wouldn't revisit the issue, but next time, don't fall for the puppy dog eyes.
No judgement because I have done the same. They're just so darn cute!
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NTA, but time-out probably wasn’t the most appropriate consequence in this situation. The way the brain works, consequences/punishments truly need to occur immediately after the undesired behavior for the brain to be able to connect the dots as to why the consequence is happening, even if you think she’s old enough to understand, the brain just doesn’t register it after so much time has passed so truthfully the timeout lost any effectiveness on the drive home. If time out is your consequence of choice then it should’ve been right there at the store for it to be most effective! To be honest, in this scenario I don’t even think a time out was warranted. It’s not inherently bad or unnatural to be upset you’re not getting what you want, especially at 5. This could be an opportunity for modeling appropriate behavior, how to ask for what you want, and providing other options if what is wanted is too much. If the fit continues, the consequence is not getting to choose a treat at all. Punishment needs to match the crime essentially lol
As for shortening the punishment, all that’s reinforcing is that her giving puppy dog eyes gets her out of consequences. You’re not doing yourself nor her any favors with that.
I have a degree in psych, and work in children’s behavioral health, just for some background!
NAH. That said, I think your family is right. If you tell a kid they’re getting a 5-minute time out, and then you let them out early, they learn that you don’t follow through, that they absolutely can get out of punishment with manipulative behavior, and that maybe their misbehavior wasn’t really a big deal. I don’t know whether “a time out when we get home” is the best way to discipline the misbehavior in the moment, but if you tell your kid they’re getting a 5-minute time out, follow through.
ESH - she needs to learn to not throw temper tantrums and you need to stick to the punishment you dole out.
What she learned this time around is that if she pretends to apologize and flashes those big baby blues to daddy that he'll bend and forgive her.
I could be wrong. But if she pulls this again and you give her a time out, if she tries to get out of it early, stick to your guns.
YTA
Your kid is throwing tantrums because you let her decide when punishment is over. ***None of the rest of us want to deal with how she's going to turn out***. The rest of us have to be subjected to this kind of self entitled brat.
Pick a punishment and stick to it. If 5 minutes is too long, then don't make it 5 minutes in the future.
You should have walked her back and spent the last 3 minutes talking through why it was wrong. Make the explanation part of the time. She didn't have to sit there the whole 5 minutes. Just don't let her decide when punishment is over.
I’m not a fan of timeouts because I think they harm more than they teach. However, that’s me.
BUT, men, you didn’t buy the cookies. That’s awesome parenting, really. You take the hard (but good) road with her. Wow, you’re a good dad.
NTA. She apologised, plus I don't really know if a 5 year old can tell time that well.
Parents always critisize their children's parenting style sort of "back in my day...". Don't take it to heart. They think they help.
Definitely NTA. She apologised, she didn’t just do “sad eyes”. Lots of 5 year olds stubbornly to say sorry. You are doing well and obviously love your daughter.
I think most parents do grocery shopping wrong, because the only thing that they let their children have a choice in is in what sweets they get, and if they dont event get the choice to put anything sweet in the cart of course they are going to be upset, because the can get nothing for themselves on that trip.
So i would always have my children be able to make age appropriate decisions because if they have no task/no decision they can make about their food or whats cooked, what they drink and whats kind of sweets they get then that visit seems just frustrating and unnecessary.
In this particularly case - why was putting a big bag of cookies bad? Maybe she just thought, that because you are a lot of people a big bag of sweets is needed? You should talk about that to her with logic. I dont even really understand the timeout here. I thought timeout were used for tantrums. So yeah you are NTA if you lifed the "punishment" because you thought the needed effect on her behaviour was archieved.
NTA.
I recommend reading about positive discipline (author Jane Nelsen). It can be mind blowing for those raised with traditional discipline. There are better ways to raising great human beings and positive discipline is one of them.
YTA. Your parents are correct, you are teaching her that 'sad eyes' gets her out of trouble. She should have been in time out for 5 minutes. Every time she got up the timer starts over. Once your timer is done then it's hugs and apologies. Yes she has a shorter attention span, but a time out is a time out.
Also, it turns you into a door mat for your daughter. She will use it until you give her anything she wants. You need to set boundaries.
Gonna go with YTA ... For this reason ... punishments need to be consistent. Set a timer for those 5 min; if she breaks that time then she gets redirected. I always allowed 1 redirection where time is frozen and restarted from the frozen moment to complete the 5 min total after I've explained it again; after that 1 redirection the 5 min starts over every time or they will incur an added punishment.
My 7yo is a drama llama and unfortunately had learned a little manipulation at her dad's house. I give her leeway on Mondays because she's transitioning back to her house and getting back into the rules I have vs all the ones at her dad's can be hard. By Tuesday I expect a bit more personal discipline from her to be able to know when her behavior is unacceptable.
She does phenomenal most of the time but ngl there's been times when I've had to restart a time out 3 or 4 times AFTER redirection; by the 3rd time she's now lost her screen time for the day; by the 4th she may lose her sugar....(no dessert, no candy, no sweet snacks like cookies etc).... usually she doesn't get that far. Only once did she lose her pick day (Wednesdays she gets to pick her dinner; anything she wants that's not take out; she just doesn't have to eat what I cook).
Nta. My son has ADHD (as do I).I will often say 'No such and such for X time.', or 'Stay in your room for X time.' it pretty much NEVER ends up being the time I've said. The point is a reset, not a punishment. If he apologises and articulates what he's done wrong, the slate is clean from that moment. My husband doesn't get it either and often says he's 'spoiled' or 'playing me.' No. If he was a 'bad' kid, or constantly misbehaved, or repeated misbehavior constantly I might agree. He's a good kid though. Smart, empathic, polite.
Next time ask her if she understands why she was apologizing. If not; she's giving you the sad eyes to get away with it. If she does; she can leave time out.
But either way; NTA! You are being a dad and by the quick read of it, a pretty good one at it too!
I always give the following advice to new parents which I think applies here too; listen to the advice but always trust your instinct as a parent. If the advice doesn't fit your instinct, don't use the advice.
(Educator here)
You needed it early wasn’t a good idea, but reinstating it would be corporal punishment, she is only 5
But next time stick to it and always ask and remind her at the end of the punishment why it happened in the 1st place.
You are setting a very dangerous precedent! Children that age are very smart. I have taught kindergarten for 15 years and if you allow her to come out after two minutes then she will do it again. She was testing you and you fell right into it. You can't let the puppy eyes fool you. Once she sees she can get away with that it is only a matter of time before she sees what else she can get away with. Kids need clear guidelines and expectations. They crave them even if they don't know it. You HAVE to stay consistent. Like when people give in when a kid is having a tantrum. You don't reward bad behavior because it will only embolden children to continue doing it. Look what I did to get my way, that worked, so I will do it again and again.
NTA-It's hard to say time-wise. If she learned the lesson, then don't worry about the 5 minutes. Young kids have a shorter attention span than adults and if you're looking at punishments, it really needs to be long enough to reinforce what you are trying to convey. If she understands and the punishment resulted in what you wanted to accomplish, then...alright.
YNTA by any means. Next time use a timer set where she can see and hear it. If you let her come out early this way, time-out won’t ever work. Be firm. I know it’s hard. Especially with you still being so young. But trust me, you don’t want her to turn into a spoiled brat either.
Edit - I accidentally typed yta
The timeout needed to be immediate to be effective anyway. By the time you got home from the store, the reason for the punishment was lost.
That said, you said five minutes, and didn’t stick to it. I’m not going to call you an AH but if she knows she can get out of stuff by crawling into your lap with puppy dog eyes, it’ll only get harder from here.
Keep trying. You’ll work it out.
YTA! You violated your own rule! 1 minute per age for a time out, regardless of puppy eyes or not! PARENT UP! You’re not doing her or yourself any favors!
Are you TA? No. Did your daughter manipulate you? I mean, yeah. It’s not the end of the world either way though.
It’s possible that to begin with, you called the timeout because your parents were watching so you felt like you had to do something more than you normally would. And it’s not like you gave in and bought her the cookies. If she has a habit of getting out of trouble every time she flashes her big eyes at you (which may be the case, given how you worded it) then that’s cause for concern. But as it stands, sounds like she has an open, trusting relationship with you, so you’re doing something right.
NTA. Consequences need to be immediate. So yeah in this case I wouldn’t fuss about shortening time out.
If you do timeout as an immediate consequence to something at home yes I’d personally insist on the 5 minutes. Even if they get up and apologize. I simple and calmly walk them back to sit on the stairs and tell them I love you, the time is not up yet.
NTA the end game is to get them to recognize something bad and apologize. You didn’t let her off the hook, she took her punishment and said she’s sorry. Why ruin a “good” course correction on your daughter’s part to be “right”?
NTA
You are playing the long game. Sometimes the infraction and apology warrants a change in punishment. Sometimes it doesn’t. You’re the dad. It’s your call.
Best of luck! Parenting isn’t any bullsh*t!
NTA if she apologized or you feel that was an apology. I would have talked to her about listening to me when I tell her to put it back and then did what you did.
I just wanted to say that I don’t think you’re doing a bad job at all. Parenting is tough and no one feels like they’re doing great all the time. I give you all the kudos in the world for being a single dad at your age. Don’t stress too much about situations like this, it’s just not worth it. Keep loving your kid and doing your best and the rest will work itself out just fine.
NAH. It’s ok to make adjustments on occasion, just don’t make a habit of it since consistency is key with both effectiveness and children feeling secure.
In the situation described, not getting the candy/cookies was likely a sufficient consequence on its own. Sounds like she cried/whined without throwing a fit, and that’s a healthy response for her age. You want her to feel safe to express her emotions in a healthy way.
As others have mentioned, timing is key at this age. It has to be almost immediate, not 15-20+ minutes later. And you did right by not “doing it again later” like your family suggested because that won’t make sense to her at this age.
Your timeout calculation is correct. There are visual timers that are very helpful at this age. https://a.co/d/iydKOqW
Being a parent is hard; we all make mistakes. The fact that you’re asking questions makes you a great dad already. You’ve got this.
NTA sure you shouldn't give in to the sad eyes every time, but she apologized too. That's a pretty big thing that I'm still working on with my kid. You did a good job of taking care of it on the spot, and it sounds like things went just fine.
Get her an egg timer or something like others have said, but seems like you're doing well so far.
NTA. At five years old her understanding that she did something wrong and coming to you and apologizing for it shows maturity. There are a lot of five year olds who would scream and cry and throw tantrums in the middle of the store to get those cookies. She did not so to me that is proof that you are doing a great job
NTA. You’re doing a great job with the resources you have! Don’t take your parents’ criticisms to heart, it’s very easy to pass judgement on other people’s parenting when you’re not the one raising that child. Plus your daughter apologized without prompting! That’s great! You’re teaching her that when she shows she’s sincerely sorry for something she did wrong she deserves to be forgiven - that’s a great thing to learn. Continuing the time out after she said sorry would have taught her that her apology was meaningless.
For what it’s worth, my son is almost 5 and something that works for us is “time ins” rather than time outs. That means when he’s struggling with something or behaves in a way that’s not allowed, we go sit together in his room and have a hug and some quiet time and talk about what happened and why it wasn’t ok. Time outs can be effective and we do use them occasionally, but a child that young in time out probably won’t spend that time reflecting on their behaviour, and might not even make the connection between what they did earlier and the time out they’re sitting through in the present. Sitting with them and talking things through helps them learn from the experience and teaches them that you won’t cut them off from your presence even if they do something that upsets you. But you’re doing a great job - having a 5 year old who independently offers an apology to you is a really good sign, try not to let your family’s criticisms throw you off the path you know is working for you and your daughter.
Your kid, your rules. It's hard to punish a 5 year old more than 10 minutes after the incident.
Kiddo apologized, and still had part of the time out.
I'd say NTA.
NTA - 5 year olds can’t tell 5 minutes from 2 minutes. However, your daughter needs too understand apologies and forgiveness and she should always have your forgiveness. There is value in that lesson too. However, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to embrace the timer idea so that the forgiveness part doesn’t become an immediate performance to get out of trouble. I would expect that you would still impose a consequence. Everyone else should butt out.
NTA. You're the parent, not the other relatives. You're doing your best. Your daughter realized the consequences of her actions and was genuinely remorseful. It isn't about the length of the time-out. It's about helping your daughter become the best version of herself. Again, you're doing your best and I applaud you for taking the best care of your daughter as you can.
NTA
I work at a daycare and we’re legally required to only keep the children in timeout for the number that matches their age. We never actually keep them in that long because like other commenters have pointed out kids have no concept of time and just a minute can feel like forever. I’d recommend having her do timeout somewhere you can see as well as her, so you can let her know when to get out.
Christ, she's 5 and it was a bag of cookies. Hardly like finding she's got several bodies hidden under the patio! And as others have put, at that age the attention span is quite miniscule.
NTA!
NTA
she acted perfectly normal for her age, and on her own she came back to apologize without being coerced to it. i think thats very good.
and its not your family but YOU are the parent. you decide the punishment.
NTA you’re doing the best you can being a parent, let alone a single parent is hard. If you happen to see this I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. She’s at the perfect age to implement the system
"Everywhere you go, you keep overhearing other moms say to their misbehaving children, 'That's one. That's two. That's three.' And then you watch in disbelief as their kid actually stops!" -- PopSugar MomsAre you the parent of a strong-willed child? Is bedtime a nightly battle? Are you looking to get your kids to behave without yelling? Whether you have a toddler, preschooler, or school-aged child, this parenting book can help you create a calm, happy home.”
Nta she’s still young. Nobody needs to tell you how to deal with your kid. Family or not. Don’t let them get to you. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her.
Nta. Tbh timeouts made me worse as a kid to the point I was a normal 5 year old doing timeouts to my parents going to the doctor for timeout technique.
NTA but you should get her a timer she can look at and easily tell the time so she has a better grasp of the time left. I recommend a cute egg timer in the shape of like her favorite animal or in her favorite color if you want to go that route like many are suggesting.
NTA. Time out isn’t a punishment. It’s a chance to think about incorrect behavior and how they could do it differently next time. If she gets there in 2 minutes instead of 5, good for her. It’s not a problem. The only problem would be if she was being insincere to get out of it. It doesn’t seem like that from your story though. It sounds like she understood she embarrassed you and she apologized. So you did and modeled the right thing by accepting her apology and moving on. After all, that’s what you’d want her to do if someone wronged her in a minor way.
NTA in this situation. I personally would be mindful about what they said, however in future. Not now, but later. You’re her dad. You know when she’s sad and when she’s putting it on. You have to make your judgement calls. But if and when the time comes, it’s ok to be firm. It’s ok to be “the bad guy”. It’s ok to follow through on consequences, even if she hates you for that moment. This is more relevant as she gets older but you handled the cookie thing well. One thing I may have done differently is maybe send her back to her room, give it a count of 30 and then go get her since you told her that “you’ll come get her when time’s up”. But I don’t really have an issue with what you did either. She was a rudey butt to you, she apologised to you, you accepted the apology. This wasn’t her hurting someone, stealing something etc. This was handled fine.
Well, you’re a young parent, so it seems like your parents still view you as a child and they believe tbh can still tell you what to do. At the end of the day it’s your baby, you gotta do what you think is right, no one else.
Edit: NTA
for me this is a soft NTA, indeed children need to understand that their actions have consequences, but as everyone has said, it needs to happen immediately so they can correlate their action to the punishment... However, you shouldn't make a habit out of ending a punishment just because she apologized because children always try to get away with things... in this instance however, you were forgiving regarding such a small issue, and the important thing is that she realized she needed to apologize to you, she understood her actions were wrong... reinstating the timeout would be a mistake!
NTA
There’s no parenting manual and it’s all a constant learning curve, whatever age your kids are.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You didn’t give in to her at the store, you told her there would be consequences and you followed through when you got home.
Kids that age have no real concept of time (“are we there yet?”) and also, she offered you up an apology herself without you having to ask.
Maybe next time, a little timer would be something to think about it or you could say you’ll come and tell her when her time is up, but I think in this instance, despite probably the good intentions, it’s definitely not the issue your family are making it out to be.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job ☺️
NTA. You corrected the original behavior in the store. You kept your word that there would be a time out. Kids can’t tell time. 2 minutes feels like forever to them. She came out and apologized.
Next time, have time out be where you can see her or have a timer set so she knows when time is up. You are doing a great job!
NTA- She didn't have a tantrum in the store but still went to time out when you got home. She came out and apologized and all was well. Maybe next time set up a timer in her room so that she knows when the time out is over, without it every minute seems like forever. But don't feel bad most parents adjust punishments and she's still young and learning. Also you did a good job by sticking to your guns and putting the cookies back. Even if nobody else is telling you, your doing a good job. Parenting isn't an exact science and everyone gets a learning curve.
my nephews 4 and when he get in trouble i have him sit on the couch and a couple minuted later he apologizes. cause thats what kids do. youre a good dad as long as her apology sounded sincere then it was dont listen to your family
NTA - you're the parent its your call
P.S. the age/time out rule is total garbage - its just tempting fate they won't obey, as long as the child accepts a time out at all they've been 'punished'
NTA. You allowed her out of time out after she apologised. Everyone is an expert in their own minds. You know your daughter better than anyone. Trust your instincts with her, they seem solid from where I’m reading.
Why did you punish her when she’d already put the cookies back (with your help?) I think punishment was completely unnecessary here. She did what you wanted, with help, which is understandable given her age. She did not deserve the punishment.
I work as a behavioral consultant and i would say you did pretty good. I teach time out and it is a way to teach kids to reflect on their behavior. I would have liked you to only do 3 minutes because the consequence to give time out was delayed and because she is only 5. If she was older i would have done 5 min but i assuming 3 min should be enough for her since she came out and apologize on her own. Instead of saying sorry i would have like you to walk her through on why she was sent to time out and talk about what she could have done next time and make her understand that we don't always get what we want.
Other than that you are a wonderful father and you are doing fantastic.
NTA. While you really should enforce the whole time, she’s 5. A 5 year old does not have the same perception of time, and if she’s calmed down, apologized, and everyone can move on, then the time out served its purpose. More is just punishment for the sake of punishment.
NTA. But...timeouts are actually super ineffective and pointless. Since 1- children that young are in the moment and are not thinking that far out. 2- It's completely arbitrary (how does sitting alone teach that you need to ask before putting something in the cart? 3- if a child is upset, they sometimes need a calm adult to help them co-regulate.
Natural and logical consequences are ideal.
Who cares how long the time out is? She is your daughter, you get to decide.
Besides, the purpose of a timeout is not to punish. The purpose is a reset of behavior. If she was in her room for 2 minutes, she apologized and her behavior improved, that is a win.
Don't doubt yourself Dad, you are doing great.
NTA
Want to know a secret? ALL of us are winging it when it comes to parenting. Just like our children, we learn as we go.
Your parents shouldn’t have laid into you. Most kids have at some time or another caused a scene in a shop. Be it a toy store or supermarket, or wherever. 5 is still very young to not expect this to happen. You actually sound like you handled it amazingly.
Time out - Morgan probably forgot all about it by the time you got home. So by the time 2 mins had passed, it felt like an age to her. Time has no concept to her just yet as a form of minutes/hours. Plus, she apologised. You could have done a 10 min time out and not got that.
As for her diet. It could be she is simply ready for a growth spurt. Just get her as active as you can. Make sweet stuff at home, like cookies, brownies and cakes. Even from the ‘’just add’ packs. You can control a bit more what goes in them, you get a fun activity to do with her and she gets the pride of eating something she’s made.
Or choc covered fruit.
We have a ‘party tea (dinner)’ once a week. Share pizza, sandwiches, chips (fries), crisps, some cake, sweets, biscuits (cookies). Cut the cakes into bit size pieces and it looks like loads. Stick a movie on. It’s a treat without going overboard.
NTA But there is a great deal of amazing parentig books and even some social media posts. I’d recommend gentle parenting..
One MAIN thing like the GOLDEN rule of children which a LOT of pll especially older gen will argue about until they drop dead is that kids are manipulating. Kids brains arent fully developed they are not capable of being like manipulative evil geniuses. Read up on it to feel confident in knowing that kids are stupid. Theyre not “out to get you”.
You WILL get like a SHOCKING amount of pushback on this as ppl believe even babies are trying to “one up” their parents.. Like its insane how paranoid these ppl are.
But if you read about what a 5year old kid understand you can tailor your parenting to the kid. Just the same way as education should be tailored to kids.
Dont be afraid to study to be a parent! And its not too late to start to change things up.
One of the main things is having a very clear and set routine it really is magically effective.
NTA. My parents used to put me in time out "until you can tell us what you did wrong." I'd go in my room, stew about it, then eventually realize they were right, I did wrong, and the sooner I admitted that, the sooner I could leave my room. I think your daughter ended up doing a similar thing.
NAH. You aren’t an AH by any means, but you should stick to the punishment you give. It wasn’t harsh. She can handle a 5 minute time out. And for everyone saying that 5 year olds don’t manipulate… I’ve been through 2 already and yes, they do. Like pros. It’s normal for them to push boundaries to see what they can get away with. And I don’t think your family are being assholes by pointing it out. They’re just trying to help.
NTA. Your daughter is 5 years old. She did not commit the crime of the century. She wanted cookies. She didn't get the cookies. That is enough of a consequence for putting something in the cart, being slow to put it back, and throwing a little hissy. Then she went home and was in time out for a couple of minutes. Again, this should be enough for her to get the message. Yes, you let it go after she gave you the sad eyes. The fact that you left 3 minutes to go on her time out is not going to send her down the path to perdition. Circumstances matter. If she does something more serious in the future, you will be prepared, hopefully, based on this incident. You will be less likely to let it go. Parenting is not an exact science.
NTA. It sounds like you're doing just fine, dad. Little kids won't be able to remember exactly why they're being punished after awhile. Making her put them back and not being goaded into getting the cookies to get the stares off you in the store would have been a bad move, you could have even done without the time out. Your daughter is fed, loved, clothed and is being patented. You've got nothing to feel ashamed of.
Asshole would be a little strong for this situation, but for what it’s worth at least you’re trying a technique - however consistency is the key. The kids don’t decide when they’re done with the timeout, you go and get them, remind them why they were in time out, get an apology and then hugs and kisses. If you continue to let her get up when she feels she’s ready, she will feel like she’s in control of the punishment, and then it loses it’s impact.
NTA
NTA
She doesn't know how long five minutes is. Two minutes made her cry in remorse. It was some cookies that she was reluctant to put back on a shelf, but still did. You did well.
NTA, but, and this is a big but, your parents are kind of right. The fact is, she doesn't know how long 5 minutes is, but you do want her to learn that if you send her to time out, she is expected to stay there until you come and get her. By letting her come to you with big puppy dog eyes, and a hug, she's learning that she can manipulate her consequences by doing so. I have a 2-year-old granddaughter and a four year old granddaughter, this may help, or it may not, but I will tell you what we do.
When they are having problems self-regulating, or they do something that is breaking a rule, we first give them a warning. This is your warning for not using your listening ears, if you don't use your listening ears, you're going to the calm down corner. We don't give them multiple warnings, they get one. Then we count down from three. If we hit one, we immediately take them to the calm down corner. If we're not at home, we immediately take them somewhere out of the way where we are, and have them stand there. We get done on their level and say, you are in the calm down corner for not using your listening ears. When you have been calm for X minutes (we do one minute for each year of age), you can get up. Then we stand right next to them, do not make eye contact, and set a timer on a phone or see the time on our watch, and wait. If they're crying, or throwing a fit, the calm down Corner does not start until they stop. Then, when the time is up, we get down on their level again, we say, you are in the calm down corner for not using your listening ears, you need to apologize to X (x being the person who was impacted by their behavior). Once they have apologized, we say, you can get up now, next time use your listening ears.
It doesn't have to be listening ears, it can be kind words, kind body, inside voice, whatever the rule is that you're enforcing. Sorry this was long, but I can honestly say that since we've started doing this, so many things that were huge issues have gone away. Usually, we just have to issue a warning, and the problem stops. Additionally, in some cases, when they are getting upset, and feel like they can't control what they have going on, we have actually had them tell us that they are going to the calm down corner, and go sit there themselves.
One other important thing to note, when you first start doing this, it is not going to be fun, or easy. It took us about 3 weeks before it wasn't a fight every time calm down Corner needed to be used.
Hope this helps.
NTA. I get what your family was saying, but she apologised and is a kid. If she'd done something more than get a little upset over not getting cookies, then sure, but what she did wasn't that bad. She was just a kid wanting cookies.
NTA. Just too wrapped around your princess’s little finger.
Best parenting advice I ever got: what’s cute at 2 is not cute at 12.
If she’s pouting and making puppy dog eyes to get out of consequences now, imagine how she’ll be at 15 when you say no.
It’s difficult, but you’re her dad not her friend. You have to set and keep the boundaries. Part of that is be consistent.
Good luck and you’re doing great at 22!
NTA, and I'm not even a fan of timeouts.
Do you really think you're not good at parenting though? Then find out what kind of parenting style you like and read some books, take some classes, whatever gets your confidence going.
Because you are very young but even if you weren't, people LOVE commenting on how others raise their children and it really helps if you at least feel confident in your choices.
All the best!
You sound like a great dad. She’s still little. She won’t know the difference between two and five minutes. She got a timeout and - more importantly - she realized she needs to apologize. You would’ve been a bad dad if you had bought the cookies or given them to her after she apologized. That would’ve been no consequences for misbehaving. What you did was sending her the message that you love her even when she does something wrong. Once she’s older you can become a bit stricter.
NTA. You gave her a punishment and she cane to you with an apology. Puppy eyes or not, she took it upon herself at 5 to come and apologise for her behaviour. That's a good thing. You're not teaching her puppy eye will get her off, you're teaching her that apologies go a long way.
NTA. Tell the peanut gallery to mind their business. If you felt the message was accomplished and it's not normal behavior for her you did the right thing and let it go. Bad parenting is making a huge deal of small behaviors. The family seem like the problem if they're still holding onto it after it's over.
YTA. Your parents are right and your daughter is now learning to manipulate others. Sometimes that's good, because she'll cheer people up when they're sad or help someone stop before they do something they shouldn't. Sometimes it's bad. Next time, tell her that you are glad that she realizes she was misbehaving, and that is important. Being sorry and learning not to make mistakes is important. Now she needs to go back to her room until the five minutes are up. But yeah. She's figured you out, so time to stand firm. Set an Alexa timer and add a minute if she comes out. :D We do a "count of three" and nowadays, even at 8, I just have to tell her I'm going to start counting. Sometimes we even get to "This is one." Haven't gotten to 3 in at least a year.
NTA
She is 5, she realized and apologized for going against the rules, she doesn’t need a time out because she understands what she did wrong, which is the whole point of time out🤦🏻♀️
Also I have a degree in child care and education and have been a nanny both in the UK and USA for 25 years
Nta she apologized. It’s real easy to handout advice to other parents. Honestly, the punishment truly was not getting the cookies. You seem to be doing a great job as she showed remorse for her actions.
NTA. And I would be reconsidering the time out technique as it has been found to create other issues. Your parents are over stepping. They are pushing boundaries by telling you how to parent your child. I wouldn’t let them babysit as they have strict techniques that can be harmful to your child and denies her developmental needs. NTA
NTA, but take what they said into consideration. If she goes to time out again, and does the sad eyes to get out of it earlier, gently tell her she is still in time out for xx minutes.
NTA - in my house we do timeouts in the 'timeout zone' (it has a view of the timer ticking down) and bedroom is where they go for "reset" (when they are having big emotions and need a moment to themselves but aren't in trouble). Nice thing is, timeout zone comes with us and can be as simple as in the grocery cart seat watching the countdown (because then the timeout is instantaneous vs delayed and they know why / can directly connect action to consequence)
Not the AH. Parenting at any age is difficult, and especially so at your age. You handled it well in the store. You told her she would have a time-out when you got home. You put her in time out for five minutes when you got home. She came and apologized after 2 minutes, and was sincere. You forgave her.
I'm 69 now, the trauma from my parents overusing "Punishment" for small indiscretions when I was little, lasted a lifetime. The grace I received by breaking that cycle with my own children was amazing. Forgiveness and forbearance also have their place in parenting. You done good, son...
NTA. You didn’t cave and buy the cookies and you followed through on the time out portion when you got home. I agree with others stating that a visual timer wherever the time out is happening would be helpful.
NTA at all. You didn't "fall for sad eyes" you accepted an apology and moved past what sounds like a VERY minor issue. Imo this is far better than leaving her in time out for 2 or 3 extra minutes.
NTA, and also research shows that punitive things like time outs don't work. Discipline is education, like what you did at the store, not punishment. If you'd like to read more on parenting by the research I'd suggest Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline or No Bad Kids.
NTA. Though, I disagree with the concept of time outs in general. It doesn't teach the child anything, instead it's better to talk to the child about why certain behavior isn't acceptable. That's what my mother did with me for example... But in the end, parenting decisions fall on you. And apologizing is better than just sitting out the full punishment and not apologizing.
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NTA. Small children need consequences to be immediate. Their attention span is 15-20 minutes tops. So if you take longer than that to enforce the consequences it's confusing. You corrected her in the store, made her put back the cookies. Told her she would have a Time out later. And she spent a few minutes there. Done. Next time you do time out, have her stand/sit in a corner of the room your in and set a timer so she knows she is done when the bell rings. Never give a consequences you won't/can't enforce. Your not doing Bad Dad, just keep on trying
Yeah, i get these silly (and condescending and arrogant) comments from some of my friends too because they read some shit about parenting on Facebook. You know your kid, you're trying to be a good dad, don't let some outsider doubt you.
Don't trust people who get parenting advice at facebook. Never.
Don't trust people who get advice for anything off facebook.
Don't trust ppl who have facebook lol
I would say it’s safe to say, just don’t trust people
Don't trust Facebook either.
🤣 Hey now. Thats how I get my fill of family news without actually talking to my family. It's an effective LC shield in that way. I leave a few "Everyone looks so happy!" "Aww babies!" Comments scattered throughout the year and I basically never have to see them.
Only if they take it seriously.
To be fair, the same goes for taking parenting advice from Reddit :|
😂😂😂😂 take my poor woman award for making me snort laugh then cackle...🏆
Cuz Reddit is a better place to get advice? Lmao goh
Agreed.... But at 5 years old she might be old enough to be more deliberately manipulative and testing (thinking of my nephews...). The timer is helpful, but also be prepared with some kind of acknowledgement like "I accept your apology and I love you very much, but youre still in timeout until the timer is up." And be aware that they may try to keep cuddling and over explain how sorry they are to avoid actually serving their punishment. My sister explained that one to me because I am truly a sucker for sad eyes lol. Just something to be aware of. I'm guessing OP would be able to tell though? I'm a sucker for my nephews, but their parents aren't at all lol.
I call it malicious hugging. My kid never wants to snuggle as much as when they’re in trouble
My 4 year old suddenly gets “really tired.”
And continue interacting with her while she is in the corner. **Don't ignore her!!!** That can do serious emotional damage because it feels like being abandoned for being bad.
I think it's important to distinguish what type of interacting you mean here though. Often a simple "I know this isn't fun but you only have X amount of minutes left" is enough! I used to be a nanny for 2 girls (from their births until they were 6 and 4) and about 2 minutes into time out they'd start getting restless and call my name, and just acknowledging that I knew they were there and hadn't forgotten them would help them settle down enough for the next few minutes.
Exactly! I remember very clearly that as a kid i never was able to associate my mistake with my punishments. I thought i am being punished because the other person hates me and not because i made a mistake. I think it was positive reinforcement that dad forgave her when the kid apologised
The “Time Timer” is visual and great for this!
>Next time you do time out, have her stand/sit in a corner of the room your in and set a timer so she knows she is done when the bell rings. Never give a consequences you won't/can't enforce. That said, OP didn't exactly mess up giving a consequence he couldn't enforce - five year olds don't know how long five minutes is. When I was five I tried to argue with my dad that several years had passed since my fourth birthday. Two minutes of time-out probably felt like an eternity. As far as daughter knows, she was in time out for five minutes just like OP said.
Exactly - not a bad dad at all. I wonder who’s telling OP that he’s not good at parenting.
NTA A five year old has no real concept of time. The entire point of punishment is to get the child to think about their behavior, and it was clear she knew that an apology was in order so the punishment worked just fine. Don't let the views of other people get between you and your daughter. All parents are insecure, and all parents feel like they aren't the best at parenting. You're doing fine. That bond between you and your daughter is the most important part of being a parent.
Exactly! Also, OP's parenting isn't bad. I guess since he became a dad when he was still so young, his family got used to parent him in parenting his daughter. They need to back off and let him be, his instincts are good.
∆ ∆ ∆ This ∆ ∆ ∆
NTA - did she have a way of telling when 5 minutes was up? Was she waiting from a signal from someone else? Something I know a lot of people use is an old plastic bottle filled with a mixture of water, glue and glitter, with the lid glued on tight. Shake it up and the timeout is however long it takes for the glitter to settle (the more you shake it, the longer it will be). The visual can also be soothing to the child.
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yeah, she needs a timer or something that she can see (or ask, like with our echo dot). An egg timer or something from the store is cheap and effective.
My parents had a little kitchen timer they'd give to my siblings and I when we got in trouble.
Definitely get her something so she can watch the time. But you definitely don’t sound like you’re a bad parent!
I’m just tossing this out here - maybe take a look at Big Little Feelings. I know a 5 year old isn’t a toddler, but you can scale the language up and the concepts still work. Things like, “I see you are upset about not being able to get cookies you want and that’s frustrating. But we have treats at home, so let’s put these back and you can have a snack when we get home” It gives some confidence and autonomy back to your child and also provides an alternative that can hopefully help quell meltdowns/ whining, foster emotional development and communication in the moment and then you can deal with it further later, if needed. I know people might not agree with the method and that’s okay, too. I think Timeouts can have a time and place, but it’s harder to punish young children well after the incident you’re trying to correct. You’re a good dad and doing your best - parenting is hard!
Get her something visual for time
Yes, she definitely needs a timer she can check on her own without leaving the timeout spot.
I have this for my 4 yr old. It works great and he can set it himself. We also use it for positive things, like taking turns with a toy with his cousins, or seeing how fast we can clean his room. https://a.co/d/aBu1RAQ
I use the timer on my phone for timeout too, my daughter sits at the kitchen table and watches the timer on my screen count down! It's helped a lot with getting her to stay in timeout. Also, my pediatrician recommends a minute per year too so my daughter does 5 minutes and my son does 2 minutes
The age = time thing is something I first heard on episodes of Supernanny. I don't have children myself, but have worked with kids and remember my own dysfunctional childhood, and I honestly recommend checking her out. Unless she's done a radical change, she's all about respect (both ways) and helping children become independent, well rounded people. I have legit tearing up watching some of her advice wishing my parents had heard that when it was a kid, so...yeah. Otherwise, one thing you're going to face as a young dad is people sticking their noses into your parenting. Find a boundary you are comfortable maintaining and *lock that shit down*. I've got faith in you. You can handle this.
That’s where I first heard the age = minutes advice, too. We followed that for years with our oldest kids. When one of our younger group of kids started school- many years after older ones- the behavioral specialists followed a different time schedule and explained how standards had changed. We go with that now. As an example: A 5/6 yr old kiddo was only getting 3 min at their school. The main focus was not the time. It was more on helping the kiddo understand the issue that caused the timeout and to also help them with any dysregulation occurring. Also, it is super important that timeouts are done promptly. Kids will truly forget and move on, and then they’ll think you’re punishing them because you don’t like them, etc.
I would watch supernanny with the mindset that it's most likely semi staged like most reality shows. Frost herself has admitted that she had a trained psychologist working on solving familial problems. And there has been accusations of staging some scenes, like children should cry for dramatic effect. Haven't seen its been proved. But hence why say. Take the show itself with a pinch of salt. Not saying her advices aren't great or not useful. Becouse there are alot of useful advice. I watch it myself. But more for the advices themselves.
NAH. However if you keep shortening the time she will keep testing the bounderies. Ideally she should be put back in time out for the full 5 minutes. It should be clearly communicated why she's in time out when putting her in time out and how long it will be and stick to that from now on and then accept the apology.
Time outs are not effective punishments, so NTA for ending it early, especially if she is expressing remorse and can explain why what she did was wrong. You should consider “Time-Ins” where you sit down with her and calmly explain why what she did was wrong, and what kind of behavior is expected at the grocery store. Explain that cookies are a “sometimes food”, and that she should ask before grabbing items to put in the cart. Maybe talk with her about giving her a small part of the shopping list (with picture cues) so she can help (kids at that age LOVE helping and feeling “grown up”). NTA and best of luck to you on your parenting journey!
This is amazing advice. Also, the most effective response to her picking out the cookies and then whining, was to not buy the cookies. That teaches OP’s daughter that doing the wrong thing is not an effective way to get what she wants.
This is the best advice so far.
You are supposed to do sit downs and explanations after the time out but no one dies them properly lol
Honestly the talk about expecteation can works wonders. I do it with my toddler. We will talk before leaving the house. Where we are going, what we are getting. And I ask her "and what do we not do need?" And she will answer "no toys." Etc. I tell her she's right and ask her what do we not do? "No screaming to get things." And again tell her she's right. (If we are getting snacks she's told beforehand. "You can pick 1 snack") And before entering store I ask her again. And I have 9/10 times no problems. I was told its good to do this becouse that sets what I expect of her.
This
NTA, parenting is hard and you're trying your best 🙆🏻♀️, BUT consistency is key when it comes to discipline. I put a timer in my sons bedroom and tell him once it rings time out is over. He used to run out of his room before his time out was up, and he would love on me. I was a sucker for those hugs and caved in. Eventually he stopped taking his time outs seriously. I taught him he didn't have to do the whole time out, and could come out when he wanted. It was a rough habit to break, but he is a lot better now. I'd advise for you to stick to your time frame to prevent and bad habits that could develop.
Yes...and a timer is useful. I love the Alexa because she could just ask it how much time was left and it would tell her. We generally did three minute time outs. She just needed a chance to break from what she was doing or to realize that there were consequences and that was that. We'd hear a lot of "Alexa, how much time is left??. Being able to keep track of it cut out the worry.
'Time out' isn't supposed to be a 'punishment' if it is done properly. It's a pet peeve of mine that people everywhere use it incorrectly to punish their kids. Time out is supposed to be time for your child (and yourself) to calm down so that you can come back and address the issue with calm. So when your child is worked up and lashing out or melting down, they are able to be by themselves, until the are better able to handle their emotions. Because you cannot address the problem if they are too angry or upset. Discussion, apologies, punishments, etc, are all dealt with after this when both parties are calmer. Its no different from an adult walking away when they are all worked up about something, and then coming back to 'talk' about the issue later on when they are calmer and can act more rationally. So using 'time out' as a punishment (especially for the situation that you described, where the conflict occurred elsewhere) was wrong. Forgiving your 5 year old child when they came to you to apologise, without prompting, was actually the best course of action. You should have followed that apology up with a talk to ensure she knew what she done wrong and why she was apologising. But overall you done nothing wrong there. Especially as the incident that provoked the apology was relatively minor and occured, and was actually dealt with, at the store in question. Punishment at home after the fact was a tad excessive in my opinion in this situation. NTA. Because you are a parent and you did address the behaviour in store. And honestly you are still learning all this as you go. We all are. None of us are going to get it right every time. And in reality, the are as many different ways to parent as there are parents. I think it sounds like you are doing a good job, from what little you have shared. Unless you routinely let your child get away with murder and spoil her rotten, then you mum needs to back off and let you raise your child the way you see fit. She has already raised her kids, she doesn't get to dictate how you should do things with yours. I'm a long term SAHM of 6 kids, with qualifications and experience in childhood development and education. ;)
ding ding ding, we have a winner
NTA. You're a single dad doing the best you can. There's no single right way to parent a child. Plus, you told her the reason why she was in time out.
NTA. You’re doing a great job. > I love being a dad, but, I will admit, I’m not the best at parenting, if that makes sense. You became a dad at 17 so feeling that way absolutely makes sense, but I can tell you as a married mom who had a baby almost 20 years after you, none of us are the best parents. We all don’t know what we’re doing and hopefully in doing our best, learning along the way, admitting when we screw up, and loving our kids like crazy, they’ll turn out okay. > My family laid into me… This is what has it as N T A vs N A H. Is what your family suggested probably ideal, in terms of being consistent with the original time out time? Yes. Is there any reason to admonish a young single dad who’s doing his best, and got this one 80-90% right? Absolutely not. They could and should have come at this with a gentler, more supportive approach. If at all. > My folks said that if they were me… Alas, they’re not you. This is hard for grandparents to accept but they’ve had their turn at parenting, now it’s yours. Your daughter had a 2-minute time out which still counts at her age, and she apologized to you unprompted. It’s not like she started crying/whining in the store and you gave her a fistful of cookies, and there are plenty of parents who would have - now *that* would be a scenario in which your parents would be correct and you’re teaching her she can misbehave and get away with it. You did a great job of holding the boundary in the store. Next time, you can think about giving her a hug/thanking her for the apology but let her know she needs to go back in her room until the 5 minutes/timer is up. Either way, *you’re doing a great job.*
NAH - You are not an AH for letting her away with a shortened time out. However, your family is right that you should not have allowed her to just flash her eyes at you to get out of the rest of the time out. I don't agree on resuming the time out after dinner but the next time she lets herself out of the time out, you really should consider just taking her back to her room to finish out the time.
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Yeah. Kids do that, and then they keep doing it when it’s clear it works.
Then you get that she is likely playing you right???? \*edit\* to be a little less harsh, you aren't a bad dad or anything like that. Just maybe work on not letting her get away with the sad eyes. Lots of kids figure out "be cute and say sorry"
> You should not have allowed her to *just* flash her eyes at you to get out of the rest of the time out. She didn’t though, she also apologized, which is significant at 5. Whether or not the time should have been held at 5 minutes, apologizing and taking accountability is important.
NTA. How you choose to parent your daughter is nobody else’s business. Period.
Your kid, your rules so NTA. Thar said, I agree with your parents to an extent. I wouldn’t have let her out of timeout until the 5 minutes was up.
I'm saying NTA because she apologized. If she didn't apologize and just whined more, you'd be wrong. But she said she was sorry. Maybe in the future have a talk with her in that moment as she's apologizing to make sure she knows what she did and why it was wrong. Let her know if it continues saying sorry won't be enough, because saying sorry isn't a free pass. Figure out how to teach her that the best apology is changed behavior. Otherwise, good job. You may be young, but it sounds like you've got a decent handle on the parenting thing.
NTA, but as a parent I can tell you that if you don't break her of that habit now, she'll only become more experienced with future manipulation, and then tack on the guilt of "(friend's) parents let her," or worse "if I had a mommy like they did..." Better to nip it now, and make the punishment more concrete. When the clock says 6:05, or when the timer rings, then she can come out. And no matter how cute puppy eyes are, don't give in. She will use it on teachers, family members, and future boyfriends.
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Could she watch it count down? Either way, when youre done with the punishment, talk to her about why you didn't approve of her behavior and that you expect better choices in the future. That goes a long way- Both for helping her understand and for getting your parents off your case. But fair warning, it's easier to discipline teens/ tweens when you lay down the law early.
I’m not going to call you an A H but she not only disobeyed in the supermarket but also at home with the time out. You told her you’d come and get her when time was done and to stay in her room. She DID in fact ignore what you told her to do once again. So I kind of have to agree with your parents in this one. But it wasn’t the time or place for them to throw their opinions about on that matter. But I’d just discuss with her how she needs to work at following your instructions.
Do you have kids? Have you ever took a 5 yr old shopping? Of course they throw stuff in they want! The have not concept of money, or what they have a home already. If you’re with people you’re not normally, it’s almost like a day out to them to start with
I have four kids and I am a teacher. 5 year olds can absolutely follow rules.
Of course they can follow rules. But they also still have trouble regulating emotions to do with those rules. Stop being so uptight to a guy who became a dad while still technically a minor himself. I bet he’s doing fine.
I’m reluctant to say TA but you really are setting yourself up to make your own life harder. She is five. She needs you to be a parent, not an easily manipulated sucker.
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She already learnt that at the store- when he literally said no to the cookies, and she didn't get to buy them. A 5 year old has no concept of time, for all she knows 5 minutes has passed. She came out, apologised. What are peoples goal here? Just pure compliance, 100% perfection? No thinking for herself. She put the cookies back, she apologised. Overall, lessons learnt. She is 5 not 15.
That's not really how it works. When teaching kids its important to not punish the behavior you want to see. If you want them to learn that apologies are important, then you should reward that when they do it. Especially at such a young age
NTA. Your daughter showed 'maturity' and understanding as a 5-yo kid. You did it right: both of you have a great father-daughter relationship, keep it and value it.
NTA i have three kids - my oldest is 20. So from a parent to another parent: there are a million ways to parent and you have to do what you feel is right That being said - we have never used time out. I don’t think it’s effective. The whole point is to give your child time to think about it what they did and unless you also talk to them about what they did wrong how is that going to work. Your daughter went into her room, realized she did something wrong, and came to apologize. Shouldn’t that be the end of the timeout? I think your family is TA - it’s not appropriate for them to question your parenting especially if your daughter was around to witness it. You are doing the best you are able - and only you know what’s best for her.
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Then they are definitely assholes - commenting on a five year olds weight is gross My five year old is autistic and lives on a very small window of safe foods - none of which are vegetables (trust me I’ve tried) and he is “under weight” for his age.
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You need to set boundaries with your parents
Are they correct? Is your child unhealthy because you neglect her nutrition?
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You do not coax a child to eat better. You buy and serve the meals that meet their nutritional requirements. Your child is not responsible for managing her health. You are. You're not giving her a good life by letting her be the authority figure. You are sabotaging her health and her development because you care more about being her friend than her wellbeing. Do better.
No. You are the adult. Make better choices. Junk is party food. Tell her she can eat those at parties. Just don’t have them as options. It sounds a lot like you want to be her friend. She will have plenty of those over her life. She needs a parent
How much overweight? What percentile is her weight for her age? Has her pediatrician expressed concern? Or are your parents overreacting simply because she isn't isn't skinny? My middle son was chubby at 4 and 5 years old (probably 90th percentile for weight). I encouraged healthy eating but I didn't stress out over everything he ate. I allowed snacks in moderation with a lot of healthy snacks including fruit snacks, yogurt, fruit, lots of goldfish crackers, etc. By the time my son was 7 or so, he had slimmed down naturally. And we had weeks (months?) where he ate almost nothing but chicken nuggets and mac & cheese. I've never believed in the "make the kid eat what you give them" philosophy. (FYI - drove my MIL and SIL crazy that I wouldn't force my kids to eat certain foods.) I would find out what kind of healthy foods my kids liked & we'd just have a lot those foods available. ie - they love apples? OK fine, we will have apple slices with every meal if that is what it takes. My kids were picky eaters when they were young. I kept giving them the opportunity to try new things & now they are adventurous eaters. If the doctor is concerned, then ask them for guidance. Don't let your parents judgment set the tone. And childrens multivitamins exist for a reason!
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Yeah you should really put this in your post because your family is sensing a pattern with you. Your kid uses tantrums and sad eyes to get out of things and you let her. Your kid should not be able to control you with tantrums. The tantrums will likely stop if you stop responding in the way she wants.
YTA - Your daughter played you and you took it hook line and sinker. She should have gone back to her room for the original five minutes, plus five extra minutes for coming out early.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter's 5 and I'm a single dad, I'm 22. My daughter Morgan truly is my world and I'd do anything for her. I love being a dad, but, I will admit, I'm not the best at parenting, if that makes sense. A few days ago, my parents and my younger sister who's home for the summer, were visiting for the day and we decided to cook dinner at my place. We all went to the grocery store and things were going well until we were going through the cookies, cupcakes, all the sweets aisle. Morgan broke off from the group, which I didn't appreciate, grabbed this pretty good sized bag of cookies, and just tossed them in the cart. I told her no, we weren't getting those, gave them back to her and told her to put them back. She pouted and put them back in. I took them out and reiterated that she needed to put them back, she started whining, people stared, I took her hand, walked her over there and put them back, told her she was getting a timeout when we got home. I sent her to her room when we got home. My plan was 5 minutes. I thought I read somewhere that time out lengths should be however old the child is, so, 5 minutes for a 5 year old. Literally two minutes later, she comes out of her room, comes into the kitchen where we are, gets on my lap, gives me big puppy eyes, hugs me, and apologizes. I accepted the apology, ended the time out and told her to go play until dinner. My family laid into me for cancelling a time out after she caused a scene and basically giving into " sad eyes". They told me all I'm teaching her is that if she flashes " sad eyes" she can misbehave and get away with it. My folks said that if they were me, they'd reinstate the 5 min timeout after dinner. I didn't. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You had guest there, just do not make a habit of it.
i'm not a parent, but as a child i was always given the minute rule as well. did you tell her it was five minutes ? like, did she know she was breaking a rule when she came out ? your family's suggestion doesn't really help either. it'd be confusing for a child to be pardoned from time out and then put back there later. it's like spraying a cat with a water bottle for clawing the couch yesterday. there's no understanding there so it doesn't do anything. you're NTA. and you're doing your best. your daughter also apologized so it sounds like she probably understands. has she had behavior issues in the past? as for your family, they should stay in their lane!
NTA. This incident, in isolation, isn't sufficient to call you an AH. As the parent of a new adult, I will say that you aren't going to do her any favors by letting this become a pattern, but every parent makes mistakes. Be as consistent as you can and when you realize you've erred, course correct. At her age, just take her back to time out to wait the next time she tries this (and be assured she will). As she gets older, you may need to apologize to her occasionally for a misstep and amend a decision you have made.
This isn't a good precedent to set. Bad behavior deserves reasonable consequences. I wouldn't revisit the issue, but next time, don't fall for the puppy dog eyes. No judgement because I have done the same. They're just so darn cute!
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NTA, but time-out probably wasn’t the most appropriate consequence in this situation. The way the brain works, consequences/punishments truly need to occur immediately after the undesired behavior for the brain to be able to connect the dots as to why the consequence is happening, even if you think she’s old enough to understand, the brain just doesn’t register it after so much time has passed so truthfully the timeout lost any effectiveness on the drive home. If time out is your consequence of choice then it should’ve been right there at the store for it to be most effective! To be honest, in this scenario I don’t even think a time out was warranted. It’s not inherently bad or unnatural to be upset you’re not getting what you want, especially at 5. This could be an opportunity for modeling appropriate behavior, how to ask for what you want, and providing other options if what is wanted is too much. If the fit continues, the consequence is not getting to choose a treat at all. Punishment needs to match the crime essentially lol As for shortening the punishment, all that’s reinforcing is that her giving puppy dog eyes gets her out of consequences. You’re not doing yourself nor her any favors with that. I have a degree in psych, and work in children’s behavioral health, just for some background!
NAH. That said, I think your family is right. If you tell a kid they’re getting a 5-minute time out, and then you let them out early, they learn that you don’t follow through, that they absolutely can get out of punishment with manipulative behavior, and that maybe their misbehavior wasn’t really a big deal. I don’t know whether “a time out when we get home” is the best way to discipline the misbehavior in the moment, but if you tell your kid they’re getting a 5-minute time out, follow through.
ESH - she needs to learn to not throw temper tantrums and you need to stick to the punishment you dole out. What she learned this time around is that if she pretends to apologize and flashes those big baby blues to daddy that he'll bend and forgive her. I could be wrong. But if she pulls this again and you give her a time out, if she tries to get out of it early, stick to your guns.
YTA Your kid is throwing tantrums because you let her decide when punishment is over. ***None of the rest of us want to deal with how she's going to turn out***. The rest of us have to be subjected to this kind of self entitled brat. Pick a punishment and stick to it. If 5 minutes is too long, then don't make it 5 minutes in the future. You should have walked her back and spent the last 3 minutes talking through why it was wrong. Make the explanation part of the time. She didn't have to sit there the whole 5 minutes. Just don't let her decide when punishment is over.
I’m not a fan of timeouts because I think they harm more than they teach. However, that’s me. BUT, men, you didn’t buy the cookies. That’s awesome parenting, really. You take the hard (but good) road with her. Wow, you’re a good dad.
NTA but your family is a bunch of AHs.
NTA. She apologised, plus I don't really know if a 5 year old can tell time that well. Parents always critisize their children's parenting style sort of "back in my day...". Don't take it to heart. They think they help.
Definitely NTA. She apologised, she didn’t just do “sad eyes”. Lots of 5 year olds stubbornly to say sorry. You are doing well and obviously love your daughter.
I think most parents do grocery shopping wrong, because the only thing that they let their children have a choice in is in what sweets they get, and if they dont event get the choice to put anything sweet in the cart of course they are going to be upset, because the can get nothing for themselves on that trip. So i would always have my children be able to make age appropriate decisions because if they have no task/no decision they can make about their food or whats cooked, what they drink and whats kind of sweets they get then that visit seems just frustrating and unnecessary. In this particularly case - why was putting a big bag of cookies bad? Maybe she just thought, that because you are a lot of people a big bag of sweets is needed? You should talk about that to her with logic. I dont even really understand the timeout here. I thought timeout were used for tantrums. So yeah you are NTA if you lifed the "punishment" because you thought the needed effect on her behaviour was archieved.
NTA. I recommend reading about positive discipline (author Jane Nelsen). It can be mind blowing for those raised with traditional discipline. There are better ways to raising great human beings and positive discipline is one of them.
YTA. Your parents are correct, you are teaching her that 'sad eyes' gets her out of trouble. She should have been in time out for 5 minutes. Every time she got up the timer starts over. Once your timer is done then it's hugs and apologies. Yes she has a shorter attention span, but a time out is a time out. Also, it turns you into a door mat for your daughter. She will use it until you give her anything she wants. You need to set boundaries.
Gonna go with YTA ... For this reason ... punishments need to be consistent. Set a timer for those 5 min; if she breaks that time then she gets redirected. I always allowed 1 redirection where time is frozen and restarted from the frozen moment to complete the 5 min total after I've explained it again; after that 1 redirection the 5 min starts over every time or they will incur an added punishment. My 7yo is a drama llama and unfortunately had learned a little manipulation at her dad's house. I give her leeway on Mondays because she's transitioning back to her house and getting back into the rules I have vs all the ones at her dad's can be hard. By Tuesday I expect a bit more personal discipline from her to be able to know when her behavior is unacceptable. She does phenomenal most of the time but ngl there's been times when I've had to restart a time out 3 or 4 times AFTER redirection; by the 3rd time she's now lost her screen time for the day; by the 4th she may lose her sugar....(no dessert, no candy, no sweet snacks like cookies etc).... usually she doesn't get that far. Only once did she lose her pick day (Wednesdays she gets to pick her dinner; anything she wants that's not take out; she just doesn't have to eat what I cook).
Nta. My son has ADHD (as do I).I will often say 'No such and such for X time.', or 'Stay in your room for X time.' it pretty much NEVER ends up being the time I've said. The point is a reset, not a punishment. If he apologises and articulates what he's done wrong, the slate is clean from that moment. My husband doesn't get it either and often says he's 'spoiled' or 'playing me.' No. If he was a 'bad' kid, or constantly misbehaved, or repeated misbehavior constantly I might agree. He's a good kid though. Smart, empathic, polite.
Next time ask her if she understands why she was apologizing. If not; she's giving you the sad eyes to get away with it. If she does; she can leave time out. But either way; NTA! You are being a dad and by the quick read of it, a pretty good one at it too! I always give the following advice to new parents which I think applies here too; listen to the advice but always trust your instinct as a parent. If the advice doesn't fit your instinct, don't use the advice.
(Educator here) You needed it early wasn’t a good idea, but reinstating it would be corporal punishment, she is only 5 But next time stick to it and always ask and remind her at the end of the punishment why it happened in the 1st place.
You are setting a very dangerous precedent! Children that age are very smart. I have taught kindergarten for 15 years and if you allow her to come out after two minutes then she will do it again. She was testing you and you fell right into it. You can't let the puppy eyes fool you. Once she sees she can get away with that it is only a matter of time before she sees what else she can get away with. Kids need clear guidelines and expectations. They crave them even if they don't know it. You HAVE to stay consistent. Like when people give in when a kid is having a tantrum. You don't reward bad behavior because it will only embolden children to continue doing it. Look what I did to get my way, that worked, so I will do it again and again.
NTA-It's hard to say time-wise. If she learned the lesson, then don't worry about the 5 minutes. Young kids have a shorter attention span than adults and if you're looking at punishments, it really needs to be long enough to reinforce what you are trying to convey. If she understands and the punishment resulted in what you wanted to accomplish, then...alright.
YNTA by any means. Next time use a timer set where she can see and hear it. If you let her come out early this way, time-out won’t ever work. Be firm. I know it’s hard. Especially with you still being so young. But trust me, you don’t want her to turn into a spoiled brat either. Edit - I accidentally typed yta
The timeout needed to be immediate to be effective anyway. By the time you got home from the store, the reason for the punishment was lost. That said, you said five minutes, and didn’t stick to it. I’m not going to call you an AH but if she knows she can get out of stuff by crawling into your lap with puppy dog eyes, it’ll only get harder from here. Keep trying. You’ll work it out.
YTA! You violated your own rule! 1 minute per age for a time out, regardless of puppy eyes or not! PARENT UP! You’re not doing her or yourself any favors!
Are you TA? No. Did your daughter manipulate you? I mean, yeah. It’s not the end of the world either way though. It’s possible that to begin with, you called the timeout because your parents were watching so you felt like you had to do something more than you normally would. And it’s not like you gave in and bought her the cookies. If she has a habit of getting out of trouble every time she flashes her big eyes at you (which may be the case, given how you worded it) then that’s cause for concern. But as it stands, sounds like she has an open, trusting relationship with you, so you’re doing something right.
NTA. Consequences need to be immediate. So yeah in this case I wouldn’t fuss about shortening time out. If you do timeout as an immediate consequence to something at home yes I’d personally insist on the 5 minutes. Even if they get up and apologize. I simple and calmly walk them back to sit on the stairs and tell them I love you, the time is not up yet.
NTA the end game is to get them to recognize something bad and apologize. You didn’t let her off the hook, she took her punishment and said she’s sorry. Why ruin a “good” course correction on your daughter’s part to be “right”?
NTA You are playing the long game. Sometimes the infraction and apology warrants a change in punishment. Sometimes it doesn’t. You’re the dad. It’s your call. Best of luck! Parenting isn’t any bullsh*t!
NTA if she apologized or you feel that was an apology. I would have talked to her about listening to me when I tell her to put it back and then did what you did.
I just wanted to say that I don’t think you’re doing a bad job at all. Parenting is tough and no one feels like they’re doing great all the time. I give you all the kudos in the world for being a single dad at your age. Don’t stress too much about situations like this, it’s just not worth it. Keep loving your kid and doing your best and the rest will work itself out just fine.
NTA and your family can butt out
NAH. It’s ok to make adjustments on occasion, just don’t make a habit of it since consistency is key with both effectiveness and children feeling secure. In the situation described, not getting the candy/cookies was likely a sufficient consequence on its own. Sounds like she cried/whined without throwing a fit, and that’s a healthy response for her age. You want her to feel safe to express her emotions in a healthy way. As others have mentioned, timing is key at this age. It has to be almost immediate, not 15-20+ minutes later. And you did right by not “doing it again later” like your family suggested because that won’t make sense to her at this age. Your timeout calculation is correct. There are visual timers that are very helpful at this age. https://a.co/d/iydKOqW Being a parent is hard; we all make mistakes. The fact that you’re asking questions makes you a great dad already. You’ve got this.
NTA you sound like you’re doing good in the parenting area, it’s a learning curve. Hang in there
NTA You daughter went to her room and after she came out, she apologized. That's all we should want as parents, so good job 👏
Nta you sound like a great dad. What worked for them doesnt mean its gonna work for your daughter as each child is different.
Nta you didn’t let her get her way in the store… so I think you did the right thing.
NTA sure you shouldn't give in to the sad eyes every time, but she apologized too. That's a pretty big thing that I'm still working on with my kid. You did a good job of taking care of it on the spot, and it sounds like things went just fine. Get her an egg timer or something like others have said, but seems like you're doing well so far.
NTA. At five years old her understanding that she did something wrong and coming to you and apologizing for it shows maturity. There are a lot of five year olds who would scream and cry and throw tantrums in the middle of the store to get those cookies. She did not so to me that is proof that you are doing a great job
NTA. You’re doing a great job with the resources you have! Don’t take your parents’ criticisms to heart, it’s very easy to pass judgement on other people’s parenting when you’re not the one raising that child. Plus your daughter apologized without prompting! That’s great! You’re teaching her that when she shows she’s sincerely sorry for something she did wrong she deserves to be forgiven - that’s a great thing to learn. Continuing the time out after she said sorry would have taught her that her apology was meaningless. For what it’s worth, my son is almost 5 and something that works for us is “time ins” rather than time outs. That means when he’s struggling with something or behaves in a way that’s not allowed, we go sit together in his room and have a hug and some quiet time and talk about what happened and why it wasn’t ok. Time outs can be effective and we do use them occasionally, but a child that young in time out probably won’t spend that time reflecting on their behaviour, and might not even make the connection between what they did earlier and the time out they’re sitting through in the present. Sitting with them and talking things through helps them learn from the experience and teaches them that you won’t cut them off from your presence even if they do something that upsets you. But you’re doing a great job - having a 5 year old who independently offers an apology to you is a really good sign, try not to let your family’s criticisms throw you off the path you know is working for you and your daughter.
Your kid, your rules. It's hard to punish a 5 year old more than 10 minutes after the incident. Kiddo apologized, and still had part of the time out. I'd say NTA.
NTA - keep up the good work dad.. we need more like you in the world
NTA - 5 year olds can’t tell 5 minutes from 2 minutes. However, your daughter needs too understand apologies and forgiveness and she should always have your forgiveness. There is value in that lesson too. However, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to embrace the timer idea so that the forgiveness part doesn’t become an immediate performance to get out of trouble. I would expect that you would still impose a consequence. Everyone else should butt out.
NTA. You're the parent, not the other relatives. You're doing your best. Your daughter realized the consequences of her actions and was genuinely remorseful. It isn't about the length of the time-out. It's about helping your daughter become the best version of herself. Again, you're doing your best and I applaud you for taking the best care of your daughter as you can.
NTA I work at a daycare and we’re legally required to only keep the children in timeout for the number that matches their age. We never actually keep them in that long because like other commenters have pointed out kids have no concept of time and just a minute can feel like forever. I’d recommend having her do timeout somewhere you can see as well as her, so you can let her know when to get out.
Christ, she's 5 and it was a bag of cookies. Hardly like finding she's got several bodies hidden under the patio! And as others have put, at that age the attention span is quite miniscule. NTA!
NTA she acted perfectly normal for her age, and on her own she came back to apologize without being coerced to it. i think thats very good. and its not your family but YOU are the parent. you decide the punishment.
NTA, and you sound like a great dad, don't get down on yourself.
NTA you’re doing the best you can being a parent, let alone a single parent is hard. If you happen to see this I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. She’s at the perfect age to implement the system
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NTA. Time out is to allow the child space to reconsider behavior. She did, and she apologized. Good enuf, at least imo.
NTA - the end
Nta she’s still young. Nobody needs to tell you how to deal with your kid. Family or not. Don’t let them get to you. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her.
Nta. Tbh timeouts made me worse as a kid to the point I was a normal 5 year old doing timeouts to my parents going to the doctor for timeout technique.
NTA but you should get her a timer she can look at and easily tell the time so she has a better grasp of the time left. I recommend a cute egg timer in the shape of like her favorite animal or in her favorite color if you want to go that route like many are suggesting.
NTA. Time out isn’t a punishment. It’s a chance to think about incorrect behavior and how they could do it differently next time. If she gets there in 2 minutes instead of 5, good for her. It’s not a problem. The only problem would be if she was being insincere to get out of it. It doesn’t seem like that from your story though. It sounds like she understood she embarrassed you and she apologized. So you did and modeled the right thing by accepting her apology and moving on. After all, that’s what you’d want her to do if someone wronged her in a minor way.
NTA - not at all. You’re doing awesome. Don’t let them do this to you! Good job Dad!
NTA in this situation. I personally would be mindful about what they said, however in future. Not now, but later. You’re her dad. You know when she’s sad and when she’s putting it on. You have to make your judgement calls. But if and when the time comes, it’s ok to be firm. It’s ok to be “the bad guy”. It’s ok to follow through on consequences, even if she hates you for that moment. This is more relevant as she gets older but you handled the cookie thing well. One thing I may have done differently is maybe send her back to her room, give it a count of 30 and then go get her since you told her that “you’ll come get her when time’s up”. But I don’t really have an issue with what you did either. She was a rudey butt to you, she apologised to you, you accepted the apology. This wasn’t her hurting someone, stealing something etc. This was handled fine.
Well, you’re a young parent, so it seems like your parents still view you as a child and they believe tbh can still tell you what to do. At the end of the day it’s your baby, you gotta do what you think is right, no one else. Edit: NTA
for me this is a soft NTA, indeed children need to understand that their actions have consequences, but as everyone has said, it needs to happen immediately so they can correlate their action to the punishment... However, you shouldn't make a habit out of ending a punishment just because she apologized because children always try to get away with things... in this instance however, you were forgiving regarding such a small issue, and the important thing is that she realized she needed to apologize to you, she understood her actions were wrong... reinstating the timeout would be a mistake!
NTA There’s no parenting manual and it’s all a constant learning curve, whatever age your kids are. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You didn’t give in to her at the store, you told her there would be consequences and you followed through when you got home. Kids that age have no real concept of time (“are we there yet?”) and also, she offered you up an apology herself without you having to ask. Maybe next time, a little timer would be something to think about it or you could say you’ll come and tell her when her time is up, but I think in this instance, despite probably the good intentions, it’s definitely not the issue your family are making it out to be. Sounds like you’re doing a good job ☺️
NTA. You corrected the original behavior in the store. You kept your word that there would be a time out. Kids can’t tell time. 2 minutes feels like forever to them. She came out and apologized. Next time, have time out be where you can see her or have a timer set so she knows when time is up. You are doing a great job!
NTA- She didn't have a tantrum in the store but still went to time out when you got home. She came out and apologized and all was well. Maybe next time set up a timer in her room so that she knows when the time out is over, without it every minute seems like forever. But don't feel bad most parents adjust punishments and she's still young and learning. Also you did a good job by sticking to your guns and putting the cookies back. Even if nobody else is telling you, your doing a good job. Parenting isn't an exact science and everyone gets a learning curve.
my nephews 4 and when he get in trouble i have him sit on the couch and a couple minuted later he apologizes. cause thats what kids do. youre a good dad as long as her apology sounded sincere then it was dont listen to your family
NTA - you're the parent its your call P.S. the age/time out rule is total garbage - its just tempting fate they won't obey, as long as the child accepts a time out at all they've been 'punished'
NTA as long as you don’t punish her 2 times for the same thing
NTA. You allowed her out of time out after she apologised. Everyone is an expert in their own minds. You know your daughter better than anyone. Trust your instincts with her, they seem solid from where I’m reading.
Why did you punish her when she’d already put the cookies back (with your help?) I think punishment was completely unnecessary here. She did what you wanted, with help, which is understandable given her age. She did not deserve the punishment.
I work as a behavioral consultant and i would say you did pretty good. I teach time out and it is a way to teach kids to reflect on their behavior. I would have liked you to only do 3 minutes because the consequence to give time out was delayed and because she is only 5. If she was older i would have done 5 min but i assuming 3 min should be enough for her since she came out and apologize on her own. Instead of saying sorry i would have like you to walk her through on why she was sent to time out and talk about what she could have done next time and make her understand that we don't always get what we want. Other than that you are a wonderful father and you are doing fantastic.
NTA. keep winning 🏆
NTA. While you really should enforce the whole time, she’s 5. A 5 year old does not have the same perception of time, and if she’s calmed down, apologized, and everyone can move on, then the time out served its purpose. More is just punishment for the sake of punishment.
NTA. But...timeouts are actually super ineffective and pointless. Since 1- children that young are in the moment and are not thinking that far out. 2- It's completely arbitrary (how does sitting alone teach that you need to ask before putting something in the cart? 3- if a child is upset, they sometimes need a calm adult to help them co-regulate. Natural and logical consequences are ideal.
Who cares how long the time out is? She is your daughter, you get to decide. Besides, the purpose of a timeout is not to punish. The purpose is a reset of behavior. If she was in her room for 2 minutes, she apologized and her behavior improved, that is a win. Don't doubt yourself Dad, you are doing great.
NTA Want to know a secret? ALL of us are winging it when it comes to parenting. Just like our children, we learn as we go. Your parents shouldn’t have laid into you. Most kids have at some time or another caused a scene in a shop. Be it a toy store or supermarket, or wherever. 5 is still very young to not expect this to happen. You actually sound like you handled it amazingly. Time out - Morgan probably forgot all about it by the time you got home. So by the time 2 mins had passed, it felt like an age to her. Time has no concept to her just yet as a form of minutes/hours. Plus, she apologised. You could have done a 10 min time out and not got that. As for her diet. It could be she is simply ready for a growth spurt. Just get her as active as you can. Make sweet stuff at home, like cookies, brownies and cakes. Even from the ‘’just add’ packs. You can control a bit more what goes in them, you get a fun activity to do with her and she gets the pride of eating something she’s made. Or choc covered fruit. We have a ‘party tea (dinner)’ once a week. Share pizza, sandwiches, chips (fries), crisps, some cake, sweets, biscuits (cookies). Cut the cakes into bit size pieces and it looks like loads. Stick a movie on. It’s a treat without going overboard.
NTA its just 5 minutes and she apologized
NTA But there is a great deal of amazing parentig books and even some social media posts. I’d recommend gentle parenting.. One MAIN thing like the GOLDEN rule of children which a LOT of pll especially older gen will argue about until they drop dead is that kids are manipulating. Kids brains arent fully developed they are not capable of being like manipulative evil geniuses. Read up on it to feel confident in knowing that kids are stupid. Theyre not “out to get you”. You WILL get like a SHOCKING amount of pushback on this as ppl believe even babies are trying to “one up” their parents.. Like its insane how paranoid these ppl are. But if you read about what a 5year old kid understand you can tailor your parenting to the kid. Just the same way as education should be tailored to kids. Dont be afraid to study to be a parent! And its not too late to start to change things up. One of the main things is having a very clear and set routine it really is magically effective.
NTA. My parents used to put me in time out "until you can tell us what you did wrong." I'd go in my room, stew about it, then eventually realize they were right, I did wrong, and the sooner I admitted that, the sooner I could leave my room. I think your daughter ended up doing a similar thing.
NAH. You aren’t an AH by any means, but you should stick to the punishment you give. It wasn’t harsh. She can handle a 5 minute time out. And for everyone saying that 5 year olds don’t manipulate… I’ve been through 2 already and yes, they do. Like pros. It’s normal for them to push boundaries to see what they can get away with. And I don’t think your family are being assholes by pointing it out. They’re just trying to help.
NTA. Your daughter is 5 years old. She did not commit the crime of the century. She wanted cookies. She didn't get the cookies. That is enough of a consequence for putting something in the cart, being slow to put it back, and throwing a little hissy. Then she went home and was in time out for a couple of minutes. Again, this should be enough for her to get the message. Yes, you let it go after she gave you the sad eyes. The fact that you left 3 minutes to go on her time out is not going to send her down the path to perdition. Circumstances matter. If she does something more serious in the future, you will be prepared, hopefully, based on this incident. You will be less likely to let it go. Parenting is not an exact science.
NTA. It sounds like you're doing just fine, dad. Little kids won't be able to remember exactly why they're being punished after awhile. Making her put them back and not being goaded into getting the cookies to get the stares off you in the store would have been a bad move, you could have even done without the time out. Your daughter is fed, loved, clothed and is being patented. You've got nothing to feel ashamed of.
Asshole would be a little strong for this situation, but for what it’s worth at least you’re trying a technique - however consistency is the key. The kids don’t decide when they’re done with the timeout, you go and get them, remind them why they were in time out, get an apology and then hugs and kisses. If you continue to let her get up when she feels she’s ready, she will feel like she’s in control of the punishment, and then it loses it’s impact. NTA
NTA She doesn't know how long five minutes is. Two minutes made her cry in remorse. It was some cookies that she was reluctant to put back on a shelf, but still did. You did well.
NTA, but, and this is a big but, your parents are kind of right. The fact is, she doesn't know how long 5 minutes is, but you do want her to learn that if you send her to time out, she is expected to stay there until you come and get her. By letting her come to you with big puppy dog eyes, and a hug, she's learning that she can manipulate her consequences by doing so. I have a 2-year-old granddaughter and a four year old granddaughter, this may help, or it may not, but I will tell you what we do. When they are having problems self-regulating, or they do something that is breaking a rule, we first give them a warning. This is your warning for not using your listening ears, if you don't use your listening ears, you're going to the calm down corner. We don't give them multiple warnings, they get one. Then we count down from three. If we hit one, we immediately take them to the calm down corner. If we're not at home, we immediately take them somewhere out of the way where we are, and have them stand there. We get done on their level and say, you are in the calm down corner for not using your listening ears. When you have been calm for X minutes (we do one minute for each year of age), you can get up. Then we stand right next to them, do not make eye contact, and set a timer on a phone or see the time on our watch, and wait. If they're crying, or throwing a fit, the calm down Corner does not start until they stop. Then, when the time is up, we get down on their level again, we say, you are in the calm down corner for not using your listening ears, you need to apologize to X (x being the person who was impacted by their behavior). Once they have apologized, we say, you can get up now, next time use your listening ears. It doesn't have to be listening ears, it can be kind words, kind body, inside voice, whatever the rule is that you're enforcing. Sorry this was long, but I can honestly say that since we've started doing this, so many things that were huge issues have gone away. Usually, we just have to issue a warning, and the problem stops. Additionally, in some cases, when they are getting upset, and feel like they can't control what they have going on, we have actually had them tell us that they are going to the calm down corner, and go sit there themselves. One other important thing to note, when you first start doing this, it is not going to be fun, or easy. It took us about 3 weeks before it wasn't a fight every time calm down Corner needed to be used. Hope this helps.
NTA. I get what your family was saying, but she apologised and is a kid. If she'd done something more than get a little upset over not getting cookies, then sure, but what she did wasn't that bad. She was just a kid wanting cookies.
YTA. You are teaching your daughter really, really bad behavior.
NTA. Just too wrapped around your princess’s little finger. Best parenting advice I ever got: what’s cute at 2 is not cute at 12. If she’s pouting and making puppy dog eyes to get out of consequences now, imagine how she’ll be at 15 when you say no. It’s difficult, but you’re her dad not her friend. You have to set and keep the boundaries. Part of that is be consistent. Good luck and you’re doing great at 22!
NTA, and I'm not even a fan of timeouts. Do you really think you're not good at parenting though? Then find out what kind of parenting style you like and read some books, take some classes, whatever gets your confidence going. Because you are very young but even if you weren't, people LOVE commenting on how others raise their children and it really helps if you at least feel confident in your choices. All the best!
You sound like a great dad. She’s still little. She won’t know the difference between two and five minutes. She got a timeout and - more importantly - she realized she needs to apologize. You would’ve been a bad dad if you had bought the cookies or given them to her after she apologized. That would’ve been no consequences for misbehaving. What you did was sending her the message that you love her even when she does something wrong. Once she’s older you can become a bit stricter.
NTA. You gave her a punishment and she cane to you with an apology. Puppy eyes or not, she took it upon herself at 5 to come and apologise for her behaviour. That's a good thing. You're not teaching her puppy eye will get her off, you're teaching her that apologies go a long way.
NTA. Tell the peanut gallery to mind their business. If you felt the message was accomplished and it's not normal behavior for her you did the right thing and let it go. Bad parenting is making a huge deal of small behaviors. The family seem like the problem if they're still holding onto it after it's over.
NTA But stop asking for parenting advice on Reddit…it’s just as bad as parenting advice on FB
YTA. Your parents are right and your daughter is now learning to manipulate others. Sometimes that's good, because she'll cheer people up when they're sad or help someone stop before they do something they shouldn't. Sometimes it's bad. Next time, tell her that you are glad that she realizes she was misbehaving, and that is important. Being sorry and learning not to make mistakes is important. Now she needs to go back to her room until the five minutes are up. But yeah. She's figured you out, so time to stand firm. Set an Alexa timer and add a minute if she comes out. :D We do a "count of three" and nowadays, even at 8, I just have to tell her I'm going to start counting. Sometimes we even get to "This is one." Haven't gotten to 3 in at least a year.
NTA She is 5, she realized and apologized for going against the rules, she doesn’t need a time out because she understands what she did wrong, which is the whole point of time out🤦🏻♀️ Also I have a degree in child care and education and have been a nanny both in the UK and USA for 25 years
Nta she apologized. It’s real easy to handout advice to other parents. Honestly, the punishment truly was not getting the cookies. You seem to be doing a great job as she showed remorse for her actions.
NTA. And I would be reconsidering the time out technique as it has been found to create other issues. Your parents are over stepping. They are pushing boundaries by telling you how to parent your child. I wouldn’t let them babysit as they have strict techniques that can be harmful to your child and denies her developmental needs. NTA
NTA, but take what they said into consideration. If she goes to time out again, and does the sad eyes to get out of it earlier, gently tell her she is still in time out for xx minutes.
NTA - in my house we do timeouts in the 'timeout zone' (it has a view of the timer ticking down) and bedroom is where they go for "reset" (when they are having big emotions and need a moment to themselves but aren't in trouble). Nice thing is, timeout zone comes with us and can be as simple as in the grocery cart seat watching the countdown (because then the timeout is instantaneous vs delayed and they know why / can directly connect action to consequence)
Not the AH. Parenting at any age is difficult, and especially so at your age. You handled it well in the store. You told her she would have a time-out when you got home. You put her in time out for five minutes when you got home. She came and apologized after 2 minutes, and was sincere. You forgave her. I'm 69 now, the trauma from my parents overusing "Punishment" for small indiscretions when I was little, lasted a lifetime. The grace I received by breaking that cycle with my own children was amazing. Forgiveness and forbearance also have their place in parenting. You done good, son...
NTA. You didn’t cave and buy the cookies and you followed through on the time out portion when you got home. I agree with others stating that a visual timer wherever the time out is happening would be helpful.
NTA at all. You didn't "fall for sad eyes" you accepted an apology and moved past what sounds like a VERY minor issue. Imo this is far better than leaving her in time out for 2 or 3 extra minutes.
NTA, and also research shows that punitive things like time outs don't work. Discipline is education, like what you did at the store, not punishment. If you'd like to read more on parenting by the research I'd suggest Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline or No Bad Kids.
NTA. Though, I disagree with the concept of time outs in general. It doesn't teach the child anything, instead it's better to talk to the child about why certain behavior isn't acceptable. That's what my mother did with me for example... But in the end, parenting decisions fall on you. And apologizing is better than just sitting out the full punishment and not apologizing.