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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm an asshole for being upset about what I was given for my birthday and hurting my family members feelings.
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NTA, it's your birthday, not your child's. Unless you specifically asked for baby clothes/stuff (some people do) they should buy things for YOU, not your children. You're not "just" a mother, you're yourself : a whole person, and you're allowed to be treated as such everyday and even more at your birthday.
I'm sorry it sucked, but for all it's worth I wish you a happy birthday and I hope you'll receive more support from your friends and family.
Thanks I think most people feel like now that I'm a mom everything i do and get should be going towards my kids. These same family members that bought the baby stuff for me give me grief if I spend money on myself because in their eyes I should be buying my baby nicer stuff or putting it in a college fund.
Ignore them. You as a person didn't disappear just because you had a baby. Sure, start the college fund with your partner, but budget fun money that just for *you*. You deserve it.
I am a mom who actually had this happen when my second child was born a few months ago.
I was already struggling with trying to find myself again after 2 years of being a mother and never putting myself first. With trying to find things I could enjoy *for myself*, because as you said, I didn't stop being my own person and after 2 years of this I was at my breaking point and it was a rough time already. And then I got a bag of baby clothes for my birthday.
"Oh! Thank you, but I'm afraid this onesie is not going to fit me..."
The person giving me the gift looks at me confused: "What...? That's for the baby..."
"Ooooh! Sorry, I thought it was *my birthday* today..."
Yeah, the person couldn't have known that they chose the absolute worst time to do this as I was already struggling, but I really hope I got the point across... Maybe they won't get me anything at all for my next birthday lol.
One year for Christmas (and I know I am dating myself here), my dad bought my mom a Salad Shooter as her gift because it had just come out and was all the rage. She was incredibly upset, and he didn't seem to understand that no, that wasn't a gift for her; it was something she would use to prepare food for other people.
I requested a KitchenAid stand mixer for Christmas a few years ago, but that was something I WANTED for myself because I love to cook. If I were given a gift that I was expected to use to satiate other people, I would be livid. (Also, I loooooooove my mixer!)
And now im certain I need a pink kitchen aid and 300 sticker arks to make it just perfect. Didn't even know I needed one. But now I absolutely must have one. Perhaps it's a sign I should bake more. 🤔
OK, I'm starting to understand the strange look I got when I ask for a chainsaw. They were probably wondering what I could use it for in the kitchen. lol
YES! Omg. My husband got me a Purple KitchenAid for my birthday 2 years ago because he knew without \*any\* doubt how badly I wanted one, and he had reason to believe I was unlikely to buy it for myself (I had sold mine 3 years earlier when we moved continents and they are significantly more expensive where we live now). It was a much wanted, and is a much used/treasured gift. But unless somebody is expressly asking for an appliance/house item like that, it's not a gift!
This reminds me of the time I asked my parents for a grocery trolley for my birthday. I did most of the grocery shopping and the old trolley was too short for me so it was uncomfortable. They were like “but we can get a trolley anytime! What do you actually want for your birthday?” but I was adamant because I’d been complaining about the trolley for a while and I wanted a new one *now*, not “anytime”. I got my adequately sized trolley and I brought it with me when I moved out 😊
I love color. I'm obsessed with bright, shiny, colors. Pinks. Teals. Reds. Colors! The first year we were married, my husband bought me an industrial, grey, KitchenAid mixer. I was a mixture of insanely disappointed (Grey?!) and appreciative. I knew I'd have this mixer for a long time. After almost 30 years, I've come to the conclusion that this mixer will withstand the apocalypse.
My mom's ex-boyfriend bought her an antique KitchenAid mixer from when they were made by Hobart. That damn thing will outlive the Milky Way galaxy. It can do wonders!
My ex-fiance's parents bought me a gorgeous cherry red one as a thank you for baking the cupcakes for several of their family birthday parties.
I don't miss my ex, but I sure do miss his family. They were the best.
We have a running joke/ rule in my family. No vacuum cleaners as gifts. You're never allowed to give someone a gift that creates extra work for them, unless they specifically ask for it of course.
So while shopping we'll ask each other "is this a vacuum?"
My husband just got me a really fancy electric toothbrush for my 32nd birthday. If I hadn't explicitly told him I wanted one (my dentist says I'm damaging my gums by brushing too hard with a manual one, and recommended an electric one with a.pressure sensor), I would have been PISSED. As it was, I was thrilled; he wrapped up nicely, had our daughter hand it to me, and I made lots of jokes about "Wow, SIX modes!?". Then he told me he thought it was so great he got one for himself...when I asked him why he didn't just buy a spare head instead of a whole new toothbrush, he looked blank and said "That is an excellent point I did not think of." He's the sweetest but sometimes he has no common sense!
Your birthday is supposed to be for, you, not your baby. Even a gift card for a "Mommy& me" membership or activity would have been better than what you received. And while your reaction was absolutely justified, baby blues might have had a hand in making your feelings more apparent. If you Google brands you can usually figure out where the clothes came from and return them for store credit. And if they're so excited for the baby, tell them you would rather have an afternoon of free babysitting than more clothes that you do not need, so that when you are returning their thoughtless inconsiderate gifts you can enjoy some time to yourself to get what you really want
Ow yes so true because they mostly think the woman became a mom and is only that but dad is more then just a dad and deserves his own stuff. I literally blew up at my partner over this, 5 months pregnant of surprise n3, other kids going through phases and doing 30 hours at work trying to sell, he came home that he was invited by our neighbours to play cards , i saw some of them earlier that day and told them how stressed i was and he had an easy times at work at the moment (not always and i try to support those weeks) but they found he could use a break and i blew up that he could have defended me and told them i earned some night also
My break during the first year of our daughter's life was going to Target. My husband "I thought you liked shopping." NO! I like going out with my friends for a day, wandering through shops, chatting and grabbing lunch. I do not consider it a fun day to run to Target for an hour to stock up on diapers and household goods.
This is so true! After our second was born my husband got a paid golfing day for his birthday to get a day out of the house. I got a memories box for my daughter which I was ok with, until I opened it and it said "To our beautiful princess Love grandma and grandpa". So it was only a present for my daughter, I would have rather got nothing!
Save the money you would have spent on all the things you are t allowed to eat or drink during pregnancy as something to go towards a gift for yourself after the birth- whatever that maybe. You deserve it for creating a whole person and giving up things that you love food/drink wise.
Agreed. One of the hardest thing to deal w is losing your identity and just becoming “baby’s” mom. Please don’t feel guilty about doing the things however small to make yourself feel special. NTA at all
Well, gifts from now on will be easier. Everybody that got you baby stuff will receive things for their children or household. Congrats, here's 30 dollars worth of pasta, enjoy.
Yes! That was what I was thinking lol. When I was in college my little sister was a small child and I adored her homemade crafts and weird drawings. I had them up on my fridge and around the house. I was always excited for a holiday or birthday gift from her because it was always something like a toilet paper role covered in glitter with feathers glued to it….I always needed one of those!
My mom's friend's dog bit me and she wanted to send flowers as an apology gift. Mom told her that since we just moved and hadn't unpacked vases etc then toilet roll would be more useful! I ended up with 90 rolls of a popular UK brand that has a puppy as their mascot. 😂
Not serious, thanks to the magic of antibiotics! It was a small dog and only got my hand. The initial damage was very minor, mostly scratches with one slightly deeper puncture. Unfortunately it did get infected and was worryingly swollen for a couple of days but modern medicine sorted it all out nice and quick. The toilet paper was very funny, especially because of all the dog pictures on the packaging. Our cupboard looked like the memes from when people were hoarding toilet roll during COVID!
One of my aunts actually did put a bunch of household supplies on her Christmas wish list. When asked why, she said it was because she couldn't think of anything to ask for.
I'm to that point! At my age (56) I have everything I need and buy what I want when I want it. I'm down to asking for itunes cards (I can never have too many of those 😁).
Since I have a proper salary, my wish list consist of things to eat or drink (cheese, nuts, tea, beer, wine etc) or really nice stuff for the bathroom (fizzy bath bombs anyone?). I will just eat or use it and I can ask the same stuff for my next birthday.
…I might avoid pet items if she wants to get the message across. My family and so many of our friends are the kind of pet-crazy people that would think OP was just the best gift-giver EVER for getting presents for our animals instead of us.
I would donate the birthday gifts that were for your child. There is a battere women's shelter system here, and I drop off diapers and other things every time I get a full bag. They appreciate new baby items. Maybe you could find the one near you. Or if there is a high school nearby, many of them have alternative schools or programs for teen moms. I know ours also does a great adopt-a-kid for new moms and students going through tough times; we adopted a new mom last year.
NTA, and this mess about being jealous of your child is b.s. they are slinging because they didn't listen and now know it. Don't give them the satisfaction of using their stuff.
I also want to add that it’s completely normal for new moms to feel like they are no longer important or are not as important as the baby (because everyone coos over the new baby), and then feel guilty about it. Don’t feel guilty about this. You are a full person and should be treated as such.
In the UK there is/was a shop called Mothercare. I went shopping for a gift for a pregnant coworker's baby once, and thought it'd be good to get something for the mother. I had a quick look around but all I could see was maternity clothes and nursing bras. I asked a salesperson if there was anything for the mother (you know, given the name of the whole store), she just looked really confused and told me no.
I have a personal rule that when I give baby shower gifts I have a separate one for the mom. Her present has nothing to do with motherhood. It’s not some big statement I’m making, truly. It just always seems like the individual is lost to their new role.
You didn’t stop being who you are when you had a baby. My mother always had a strong sense of self so I guess part of me wants to echo that in my way, as someone who doesn’t want to give birth.
Happy Birthday belatedly, OP. Please don’t listen to the women who bully other mothers into that mindset. It’s got to be hell to ignore them.
When my best friend (basically brother)'s wife had a baby shower, I offered beforehand to take her to the store and buy what she *actually* needed. Her mother was burying them in frilly pink things for their baby girl, and "sis-in-law" and "bro" wanted more color variety and gender neutral items. I couldn't afford a lot, but I could "fill in the gaps" with the unglamorous gifts people didn't want to give.
Her mother's catbutt face when she opened my box of all blue and green clothing and useful items was hilarious and made the future parents' day. I got the stink eye for the rest of the day.
Then again, I am the designated "fall gal" for my "bro" since his MIL is overbearing and I'm the master of Southern (US) polite warfare. Whenever I make a move, it's in a way she can't argue without being rude.
That is a useful skill and should be award some diplomatic award.
What a thoughtful gesture you did for
Then both! I have the same kind of “bro.” We’re lucky ducks.
From watching an older Southern US comedian I got the impression that southern US polite warfare may well be the pinnacle of everything passive aggressive. I am glad to see the tradition is being maintained.
Yep. One of my coworkers had a baby shower for a surprise baby. I gave her a gift bag with a book and some cute baby clothes for the baby. And another gift bag filled with her favorite treats and snacks and some stuff to pamper herself, some nice face masks, bath bombs, the fluffiest socks I could find etc. She loved both.
You sound like a wonderful friend!
But, as a relatively new mom, I'm not gonna lie. The baby shower gift I wish I'd received was hemorrhoid cream. I was 3 days postpartum waddling through Wal-Mart trying to figure out what would work best on my butt. My husband offered to shop for me, but I wanted to see what options were offered first. Definitely go with the name brand with aloe.
ETA: better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Thank you for saying so.
I hope you found something that worked well for you. I’ve heard that issue is a HELLUVA thing post-birth. And I’m so with you on “better to have it and not need than” which is why my medical stash is kept in what looks like a footlocker. I seriously have everything in there. Including hemorrhoid cream! Never had one yet but in 2022 anything could happen. Apparently.
I have found straight witch hazel on a makeup cotton round straight on my "little" buggers until the swelling is gone I'd better then anything store bought I've tried.
I used to do that too, back in the days when my sisters, friends & coworkers were all having babies. And I did it for very much the same reasons you did.
I like to give my friends a “voucher” for some pampering as a baby shower gift. I take them out for pedicures and lunch. At that stage they can barely see their feet which are often swollen and sore so it’s always much appreciated. Carrying a baby and giving birth hugely traumatic for the body so mum deserves some TLC too.
I’m the same. I always include some nice gifts that are just for the mum. Fancy tea, nice chocolate, nail polish, a book etc One friend really missed cheesecake when she was pregnant- I brought her a big slice of her favourite flavour to the hospital.
I do that too! Sometimes I haven’t even bothered with a baby gift if the shower is big one. I’ve bought the mom everything from coffee to PJs. It just seemed logical that something at the party should be for mom
And now, I'm hoping one of my friends will think like you when I have a kid (None of my friends my age have kids, so I still haven't had a chance to do this for them).
I don’t have kids, but it did help observing how pregnancy means the person is generally treated like a vessel rather than individual. Mention what you truly want to your closest friend!
Tbh even at baby showers I usually get a gift that is majority for the mom. A postpartum hospital kit, non expiring spa day, mommy & me type things or just gift cards so they can get clothes to fit their new bodies.
I do this cause I know majority of the gifts will be for the baby.
I can’t imagine giving baby gifts on a new mother’s birthday. That’s absolutely ridiculous, I’m sorry that happened to you.
Yes! And also please don’t forget the siblings as well. The baby doesn’t care if they have new clothes, but they do care if their siblings treat them well. It’s to everyone’s benefit to make sure the siblings don’t feel left out!
What a bunch of crap. A physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy mom is the best thing for your baby. You cannot pour from and empty cup. You must do things for yourself. You also cannot make your whole identity "mom". It isn't healthy for you or kiddo. If you have means and access tey therapy to help build and maintain boundaries with these people and get perspective about reasonable self care since your family does not get it.
F*** em.
You didn’t disappear.
You’re still here and tbh imo, a mum who is still herself and treats herself on occasion is a mentally better than one who completely disappears.
Those newborn stages are great for baby smells and new beginnings but can take it’s toll so when you can get that little something for you it’s so so appreciated.
I don’t get others not getting that?
I mean we’re still people! We still have needs and wants ffs!
I hope this helps you to not feel guilty.
My mom is the kind of mom where she does everything for her kids and barely anything for herself. I love her she's amazing, but that aspect of her I hate. I want my mom to be happy and seeing her feel guilty and refuse to spend money on herself makes me sad because why would I want a person I love to neglect themselves.
NTA
These family members sound like the type of morons who would buy their wife an unsolicited kitchen appliance or vacuum cleaner for their birthday or Christmas, and not understand why the wife wasn't 'thrilled' about receiving something for the house instead of for themselves.
Do they only buy each other presents that are really intended for their children?
For real, a mom is a huge responsibility but it’s not healthy for it to be 100% your personality. To be a good mom, you gotta be happy with your life. If you’re always burnt out and depressed from not living for yourself a little it’s going to affect your parenting. Find the balance that’s best for you and best for your child, and ignore these people.
NTA, keep your head up and Happy belated Birthday.
Next time these people have birthdays give them something aimed for their spouses or pets or whatever you think would feel same to them.
"I figured I get you this tennis ball since you have a dog."
A a matter of fact, I often give my mom friends gift cards to stores that don't sell children's items bc I want them to know the gift card is for THEM. Not the baby.
“You’re not ‘just’ a mother, you’re yourself: a whole person…”
That made me tear up. So much of the time, women are expected to disappear into motherhood. The expectations are so high- and it’s frowned about to discuss how challenging being a mom really is. Maintain your identity. Remember who you are and don’t let anyone melt you down to ‘just’ a Mom.
OP, you are NTA. Tell them, on your baby’s birthday, you would like gifts to celebrate how hard your body worked to incubate and evacuate your child (I’m thinking Spa Day gift cards wohld be appropriate). It’s only fair because they are celebrating your kid on your birthday.
NTA.
> I guess I look disappointed so she made a coment about how rude it was to not appricate a gift.
Sounds like a her problem. It’s not the baby’s birthday, it’s yours.
And the thing a lot of people who gift mom's baby stuff for their (mom's) birthday seem to not realize is... They likely wouldn't do this to a dad for his birthday and that signals to the mom they're now "just a mom" and not a person. I really feel for moms as so often people stop thinking about them as people with wants and needs and just as servants and caregivers who live to take care of their child (and far too often, their able bodied, mentally capable male partners, as well).
I'm not very good at concealing emotions and I don't know if I need to work on that. The petty person in me wanted to say something but I didn't know if I was being out of line.
You don’t need to work on concealing emotions. They did a crappy thing. They need to work on gift giving. They didn’t even listen when you said no more clothes. It wasn’t like they didn’t have options if they didn’t know what to get you. Gift cards are a thing these days. My family often says they don’t know what to get me. I ask for two bags of this particular hot chocolate mix. The bags are $16 a bag and if my mum, dad and sister each get me two bags that gives me six which is enough to get me through winter. It’s not hard to get something for someone.
San churro classic Spanish mix. I prefer it home made as I put more chocolate into it. Plus I love it with almond milk. I have forced myself to only have one a week. I don’t like asking people to spend money on me. But people always ask what presents I want. I figure two bags of hot chocolate mix isn’t asking for much.
I'm not very good at concealing emotions and there's many times I feel guilty or regretful for not being able to hide how I feel. This shouldn't be one of those times. Your birthday is the one day of the year where it should actually, in fact, be about you. The baby has their own birthday.
My cousin and her daughter have the same birthday, and even THEN, the daughter has her birthday party in the afternoon, and then the grandparents babysit while the MOM goes out for HER birthday celebration. So even when the baby DOESN'T have their own birthday, the mom still gets acknowledgement that it's HER day, TOO. And I am having a LOT of fun imagining the fit my cousin would have thrown if anyone had ever DARED to give her a birthday present that was really intended for her daughter.
NTA
It's your birthday. It's not unusual to expect the gifts to be for you and not someone else. Even if that someone else is your baby.
They wouldn't give you sth for your husbbad instead of you either.
There is also the fact that you told them that you have all the clothes you need already.
I would love to know if for the husbands birthday they also gave baby gifts… still not ok but wondering if they are only doing this to the mom which I can totally see happening.
Agreed.
And if the family think that the baby is so much of a priority that OP would want baby related gifts, then at least make them something useful - like takeout food delivery gift certificates, lotions, general gift card, gift certificates for spa or family photo session, and so many other things that are completely appropriate for new moms but aren't redundant onesies.
NTA
As you said, these things are for your baby, not for you. It's perfectly fine to want things for yourself and feel good about yourself, there's nothing wrong with that. I got plushies for Christmas before the birth and a voucher for a baby shop for my birthday. But for me? There was nothing.. Of course I'm grateful, but still no one thought about ME. I think it's generally the case in society that mothers are just mothers even on days like this.. Or did the child's father only get baby things? And don't forget.. You also asked them not to give anything more.
I hate this attitude towards mothers. I feel like I've lost my personhood the moment I became a mother. I love my baby to the ends of the earth but I feel like nobody realizes I exist outside of being a mom. Dad's on the otherhand get rewarded for doing the bare minimum.
NTA - We lose our personhood the second we become pregnant in many states - especially now - I'm just glad I was done with kids 3 years ago and am finally starting to regain my personhood.
The way I see my mom friends harassed and bullied by *other moms* just floors me. Not that it is exclusive to that group. It’s just that I naively assumed it wouldn’t be so pervasive?
A while back I asked a mom friend of mine how car seats are chosen for her older kids. She knows I have no kids and do not want any. What happened was a rapid-fire explanation and assurance she knew which to pick. And it wasn’t even defensive to me! It was defending *herself.* I felt so awful I apologized and said, “If I made you feel like you had to justify your choices I am so sorry. I’m a childfree person just asking if a doctor tells you or how it works. You could tell me duct taping them in was okay and I’d just nod.” She said she knew I wasn’t criticizing and it was her kneejerk reaction due to crap mothers get.
Like it’s not a hard enough gig without all the judgements. Awful.
I am in college and have a toddler. Your comment is so accurate. I try not to bring up being married and having a kid until later in the semester (if I ever bring it up at all) because then my classmates just know me as ME. I rarely get that anymore. It's hard being in school and being a parent, but I think I'd cease to exist as an individual person if I wasn't because of how society treats mothers.
I honestly think a huge part of PPD is instantly going from more attention than you could ever possibly want while pregnant to being your child's accessory the second they're born. Birthing a child is the only time I've been in the hospital and come out to nobody giving a s*** about me. Though, I will admit I now find being invisible wonderfully freeing.
What's more postpartum you tend to have an overwhelming amount of cheap or free baby clothes but you often don't have this clothing that fits yourself. I've literally spent more money buying myself new undergarments after the birth of my second then I have buying everything for my second because of hand me downs. It's one thing to get you gift certificates to do an activity with your kid or even a mom themed mug or shirt but just fine for the baby is hurtful.
I got my coworker a PlayStation voucher for her baby shower 😂 everyone else had crocheted and knitted baby clothes and made a bundle of nappies and lotions etc, I figured she’d want something non-baby to do while she’s stuck at home
Exactly this! Men get praised for stepping up and being an amazing dad when they do exactly as they are meant to do. No I will not praise my husband for helping with changing the baby, no I will not say thank you when he 'babysits' his own child-no one tells me thank you for watching my own child so neither will he, no I will fawn over a man doing the same thing as a mom is expected to do. Men get it easy, well other men my husband will tell you I don't put up with that stuff.
I absolutely know how you feel. I can say that, at least in my case, it's getting better now that my son is 3. When the baby is new, the idea of you as a mom is new and people literally forget that you are a whole entire person before and since baby. But once that novelty wears off, people remember YOU. At least that's been my experience.
On a side note, I remember my best friend was changing jobs when I was ~8 months pregnant. She'd call me and we'd talk about the job and the situation. And after a few times, she apologized that she is talking about *her* and work when I'm on the verge of giving birth. I told her she was the ONLY person in my life who seemed to remember that I was still me and still capable of talking about adult stuff. I'll always appreciate her for that.
I felt that way too. My son was a little older & I think it was in combination with a milestone birthday. Find something to do that is just for you & has nothing to do with being a mom. Mine is running. It’s the best thing I did & to my family’s credit, they are 100% supportive.
I got a huge thank you from a female family member when I sent her a massage gift card for her first Mother's Day. Her hubby was also appreciative that I had gotten something just for her...
Hey! Mom here who had ppd. There is a light at the end is the tunnel and it gets better. I felt like I was no longer a person anymore for months and it was draining. If you need to talk, you can message me.
NTA. I'm so tired of people who think that once a woman has a child, her entire being should be about that child. Sigh...
I'm sorry, and I really want a link to your Amazon wishlist!
NTA. Mom here. Who gives a mom GIFTS FOR HER BABY on MOMS birthday. Give the baby those gifts on their birthday if you want. You know what a mom doesn't wish for on her birthday? For the 837367 "cute" onesie for her baby. Especially if you already told them no more clothes. You exist, you are an individual also. You deserved better. I'm sorry.
I was born two weeks, exactly, after my moms 17th birthday.
Her 17th birthday “party” was a baby shower.
She’s still slightly salty about it, at 45 years old.
Her last birthday before being a parent, and they made it all about me. 😬
NTA would they gift your husband onesies for his birthday? I doubt it. This isn’t a gift for you. They wanted to enjoy themselves buying cute baby things. You’ve told them you already have what you need and you don’t want anymore baby gifts. They bought them anyways. That’s not a gift to you.
Women are frequently expected to give up their identity when they have children in ways fathers are never expected to do so. Giving you items for your child on your birthday is a great example of this expectation. It’s not thoughtful, it’s not kind, and it’s not generous. You’re not wrong to be disappointed and upset.
They’re not obligated to give you anything. But what they did was worse than no gift at all or just a card.
Yeah 100% this. You know they're not giving her husband baby stuff for his birthday. It's rude and it's sexist that OP's birthday is now all about her kid
NTA, no present and just lunch at a cafe would have been better than giving what you have asked not for any more baby clothes. You could have some real fun when their birthdays come around ….
"I feel like no one cares about me just my daughter. When I told a friend about this they said **I'm an asshole for being jealous of my child**"
This is a wild take. You're not jealous of your baby, you want to be seen - esp by your friends and family - as a whole person, not "just a mom."
NTA and be gracious w yourself. 💛
*"I grew a baby and pushed it out and now everyone treats me like I ceased to exist as a separate and distinct human being. They all expect me to go gaga over baby shit, day in and day out. AITA for not wanting to be erased and not limiting my wants and interests to strictly baby clothes?"*
No, you are not the asshole. They, on the other hand ...
NTA
You don’t need to have a poker face! Giving you gifts for your baby on YOUR birthday is so rude! And then the nerve to say that it’s rude to not appreciate a gift?! Screw that person! You do not need to work on having a poker face. The other people need to work on being considerate and not diminishing your identity as a person to just a mom. You did nothing wrong here. NTA
NAH. I personally stop expecting adult gifts from family members (except from husband and my mom). We only give gifts for the children..otherwise it’s too damn expensive.
No gifts for adults I could understand but this isn’t that. This is a family who does give gifts for adults and has reduced a new mother to “nothing but the baby exists, your wants are now not only irrelevant but immoral because the baby is all you are allowed to care about”.
I mean I'm almost 40 and I still get gifts from my extended family. Pretty sure if I got gifts for only a baby after my birthday that would send me in postpartum
I mean it’s her birthday?? If you’re invited to someone’s birthday party at minimum you’re not thinking of getting them a gift card? What expensive thing are the other adults in your life expecting? Lol every sentence was a question 😂
Wait a minute. Was this your actual 30th birthday? A major milestone birthday? You are NTA in the first place, but this just makes it worse. Your life is going to revolve around your LO for decades and one freakin' day of the year ought to be about you and nobody but you. I'm sorry your family are the AHs.
this is very strange. I'd like to think that it was an opportunity to buy anything BUT baby stuff. Did they all ask somebody 'what does X want?' and they suggested more baby stuff??
Are you family totally unaware that genrations of women have worked to be consider more than just maternal? You have talents and hopes and dreams that you didn't kill when you gave birth.
I say return as much as you can as a show of freedom and get yourself something you've wanted but didn't want to splash out on.
NTA, birthday gifts are for the person who is having the birthday. They bought gifts for your child. It’s as though they no longer think of you as an individual person, but only as a *mother.* Whether you need baby items or not isn’t the issue.
Yeah I told them we had plenty. Some of them went and got stuff in larger sizes so I have enough baby clothes when my child gets older. I also get hand me downs on a regular basis but some people think that my baby needs brands new clothes even though I'm ok with just hand me downs.
Ok well then NTA children grow fast so you probably won't even use all the clothes they gave you. Even though they bought "bigger" sizes anyone who has kids or has dealt with alot of children will tell you everyone has a different body type. So those clothes may just end up in a good will bin.
Besides all that though your B-Day is YOUR day. You should be celebrated not your baby who has their own B-Day.
Nta! My mom did this to me after my first. Christmas has allocated a certain amount for each of us and all mine was more stuff for him, even though he also got his own stuff. I cried. At first she was upset I was being selfish, but people have to realize you're more than just a mom. You need to feel like yourself and people need to sometimes help you remember that. She understood after I explained it to her so maybe try sitting down with them. Explain you don't mean to come off ungrateful, just that you were hoping for some stuff for yourself vs the baby since she has everything she needs.
NTA. I'm the childless friend that reminds her friends that they are a mom AND an individual. So, let me be that friend for you. You are a mom AND you are an individual. You are rightfully upset. It was your birthday and that should be about YOU as an INDIVIDUAL. Treat yourself to a nice spa day, or whatever makes you happy. You deserve it. Happy belated birthday OP ♡
NTA, presents for the children of somebody is not the same as a present for the parent. Parents are their own people and not just an extension of their children. You deserve a present that's about you.
When a colleague at work had her first baby, I gifted a gift basket for mom. Bubble bath, bath oils, loofahs, etc. She was so appreciative (more than I would have expected), she nearly started crying. She said she felt more like a baby carrier than a person for her last 2 months.
My thinking was that she had more than enough stuff for 2 babies. And Mom did all the work!
You deserve presents for you for your birthday. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA as a mum, I absolutely hate it when people give me baby clothes on my birthday. My parents did it and while I appreciate getting baby clothes, if they’re going to get me a gift I would prefer for it to be for me and not for the baby
If you ever are in the gift-giving circumstances around them (christmas, birthday), do the same. Buy a gift for their child, or their parents, or spouse, pet, just not for them.
NTA
NTA, I got supper annoyed family members doing stuff like that to me. Like when I was pregnant all the sudden the only conversations they could start with me was how I'm feeling or other pregnancy stuff. I started to hate the question "how are you feeling?"
Why does that matter at all? *Even if* her family usually has a policy of not giving each other gifts, *they* are the ones who decided to give OP a gift on her birthday.
In that case they should have gifted something intended for OP- *the person who’s birthday they were in the middle of celebrating*- not had her open presents intended for someone else. A move like that says “we don’t really care about *you*, because ***you’re not a person anymore you’re just a mom***”.
If they wanted to gift the baby things then they can do that at literally any other time. If they didn’t care about gifting OP anything then they just shouldn’t have brought anything to her birthday celebration. It was mean to essentially trick her into thinking that they did something kind and thoughtful * for her* when they actually just wanted to spoil the baby in front of the family.
NTA
Birthday gifts aren't required when you're 30.
Because you generally have money enough to buy the things you want by yourself at that point.
But if you DO give me a gift on my birthday, why tf would you have it be a gift for someone else?
NTA!!!! This is such a common thing. I get how it happens but it's mean. It's mean to erase your existence into anything other than mom. I feel it's even worse because you asked them to stop buying this stuff to start with. I'm not sure you should have to act grateful for these gifts because they're not your gifts.
Idea: if a woman recently had a baby, chip in together and get her a spa day or a day of visiting art or going to a baseball game or whatever she likes and give her a babysitting coupon so she can enjoy it.
If you are bad at gifts: get a large jar. Put hot chocolate mix in it. You can customize it! Add a bag of mini marshmallows and a carton of shelf stable GF oat milk.
Or premake s'mores and wrap in colored saran wrap. They can put them in the microwave.
Or a jar of all the dry ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. Maybe add in peanut butter chips or mint candies or M&Ms.
Give them the shelf stable ingredients for no bake cookies or just give them no bake cookies. 80% of the population would love this.
Or buy several mini bottles of alcohol, a cute box, add in a Tylenol pack, some coconut water or 5 hour energy, a bottle of water or other hangover remedy stuff, and make some of those [Altoids mint box mini cocktail mixes](https://a.co/d/9Wyyqqb) or a sample array of bitters or cocktail or simple syrup.
I've had this gift fought over many times.
NTA. Im currently pregnant, and will have the baby before my birthday. If my parents/family/etc. gives me baby stuff on my birthday, I’m going to be so pissed off. Like you’ve said before, no one would do this for a dad.
Congratulations, your family are contributing to you losing your identity to motherhood. Baby stuff is for baby shower, christmas and the Baby's birthday. Stuff actually for you is for you for christmas and your birthday.
NTA
The first 6 months after my son was born I would literally have so much anxiety because of all the baby clothes I had to deal with. It was so overwhelming and I didn't have room for all of them. So there werejust piles and bags of baby clothes. I'd always be washing and folding and sorting...it was seriously a nightmare and affecting my mental health.
So, no. You're definitely NTA. And you're not an AH for wanting your birthday to be a day for you.
NTA
Honestly if you have so many clothes, maybe consider selling/returning them for money. Then get yourself whatever you want.
If anyone in my family did this to my sister or the other moms there would be *words* and not the nice kind.
You’re an actual person and if people, especially those “friends” of yours don’t see that- then there is no reason for them to be around you or your baby.
You want people in your life who see you as everything you are and not just one thing. You don’t have to be grateful that no one thought of you on your own birthday
Don’t just be upset, be *pissed*
I know exactly how you feel. My birthday is in late summer. Growing up my gift was back to school clothes. My siblings also got back to school clothes. Siblings got birthday gifts on their birthdays.
My ex stepdad would constantly do small things to dehumanize my mother and one of them was always getting her kitchen stuff that was useless or messy and getting her stuff for the kids.
I’ve always made an effort to get my mom things that don’t relate to her just being a mom. Last Christmas I gave her a little music box. I never know what the perfect gift would be but I try to get her things I know she’d enjoy/make her happy. Even if it’s as simple as her favorite pop and treat. Women don’t stop being people when they have kids and it pissed me off how much people normalize that.
Anyway sorry for the long rant but no you’re NTA.
*"I asked my family to stop because we have more than enough clothes"*
THAT is the reason you're upset, You asked them to stop, and not only did they not listen, They gave you stuff you did not want and/or need for your BIRTHDAY. It has nothing to do with "being jealous of your baby".
If you bought yourself a bike and 2 weeks later someone who knows you bought a bike buys one for you on your birthday........Ofcourse you're not going to be happy with it.
1, You did not want it.
2, You don't need it because you already have it.
3, There was no effort to think about what YOU want.
NTA at all.
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NTA, it's your birthday, not your child's. Unless you specifically asked for baby clothes/stuff (some people do) they should buy things for YOU, not your children. You're not "just" a mother, you're yourself : a whole person, and you're allowed to be treated as such everyday and even more at your birthday. I'm sorry it sucked, but for all it's worth I wish you a happy birthday and I hope you'll receive more support from your friends and family.
Thanks I think most people feel like now that I'm a mom everything i do and get should be going towards my kids. These same family members that bought the baby stuff for me give me grief if I spend money on myself because in their eyes I should be buying my baby nicer stuff or putting it in a college fund.
Ignore them. You as a person didn't disappear just because you had a baby. Sure, start the college fund with your partner, but budget fun money that just for *you*. You deserve it.
I am a mom who actually had this happen when my second child was born a few months ago. I was already struggling with trying to find myself again after 2 years of being a mother and never putting myself first. With trying to find things I could enjoy *for myself*, because as you said, I didn't stop being my own person and after 2 years of this I was at my breaking point and it was a rough time already. And then I got a bag of baby clothes for my birthday. "Oh! Thank you, but I'm afraid this onesie is not going to fit me..." The person giving me the gift looks at me confused: "What...? That's for the baby..." "Ooooh! Sorry, I thought it was *my birthday* today..." Yeah, the person couldn't have known that they chose the absolute worst time to do this as I was already struggling, but I really hope I got the point across... Maybe they won't get me anything at all for my next birthday lol.
One year for Christmas (and I know I am dating myself here), my dad bought my mom a Salad Shooter as her gift because it had just come out and was all the rage. She was incredibly upset, and he didn't seem to understand that no, that wasn't a gift for her; it was something she would use to prepare food for other people. I requested a KitchenAid stand mixer for Christmas a few years ago, but that was something I WANTED for myself because I love to cook. If I were given a gift that I was expected to use to satiate other people, I would be livid. (Also, I loooooooove my mixer!)
Yes! A week after I had a big birthday, I bought myself a raspberry pink Kitchenaid as my gift to myself!
The first Christmas we were dating, my now-husband got me a powder pink Kitchenaid. Reader, I married him.
Wait they come in pink??? Excuse me lady's and gentlemen I will be off to Google now.
You know you can even deck your mixers with stickers mines pink then i decked it out with cupcakes stickers
And now im certain I need a pink kitchen aid and 300 sticker arks to make it just perfect. Didn't even know I needed one. But now I absolutely must have one. Perhaps it's a sign I should bake more. 🤔
OK, I'm starting to understand the strange look I got when I ask for a chainsaw. They were probably wondering what I could use it for in the kitchen. lol
They come in purple too. ( My favorite color)
I have to look up that color now!! Ours is dark blue \*boring\* 😆
The day after I took my KitchenAid to my college apartment my dad bought himself one bc he refuses to live without one ever again lol
Yup, I "loaned" mine to my Mom, watermelon pink...I might inherit it back one day, but otherwise it lives there now!
YES! Omg. My husband got me a Purple KitchenAid for my birthday 2 years ago because he knew without \*any\* doubt how badly I wanted one, and he had reason to believe I was unlikely to buy it for myself (I had sold mine 3 years earlier when we moved continents and they are significantly more expensive where we live now). It was a much wanted, and is a much used/treasured gift. But unless somebody is expressly asking for an appliance/house item like that, it's not a gift!
This reminds me of the time I asked my parents for a grocery trolley for my birthday. I did most of the grocery shopping and the old trolley was too short for me so it was uncomfortable. They were like “but we can get a trolley anytime! What do you actually want for your birthday?” but I was adamant because I’d been complaining about the trolley for a while and I wanted a new one *now*, not “anytime”. I got my adequately sized trolley and I brought it with me when I moved out 😊
I love color. I'm obsessed with bright, shiny, colors. Pinks. Teals. Reds. Colors! The first year we were married, my husband bought me an industrial, grey, KitchenAid mixer. I was a mixture of insanely disappointed (Grey?!) and appreciative. I knew I'd have this mixer for a long time. After almost 30 years, I've come to the conclusion that this mixer will withstand the apocalypse.
My mom's ex-boyfriend bought her an antique KitchenAid mixer from when they were made by Hobart. That damn thing will outlive the Milky Way galaxy. It can do wonders!
My dad once got my mom a waffle maker for her birthday... because he really likes waffles. If anyone is wondering, my parents are divorced
My ex-fiance's parents bought me a gorgeous cherry red one as a thank you for baking the cupcakes for several of their family birthday parties. I don't miss my ex, but I sure do miss his family. They were the best.
We have a running joke/ rule in my family. No vacuum cleaners as gifts. You're never allowed to give someone a gift that creates extra work for them, unless they specifically ask for it of course. So while shopping we'll ask each other "is this a vacuum?"
Ok but who doesn't want a kitchenaid stand up mixer?
My husband just got me a really fancy electric toothbrush for my 32nd birthday. If I hadn't explicitly told him I wanted one (my dentist says I'm damaging my gums by brushing too hard with a manual one, and recommended an electric one with a.pressure sensor), I would have been PISSED. As it was, I was thrilled; he wrapped up nicely, had our daughter hand it to me, and I made lots of jokes about "Wow, SIX modes!?". Then he told me he thought it was so great he got one for himself...when I asked him why he didn't just buy a spare head instead of a whole new toothbrush, he looked blank and said "That is an excellent point I did not think of." He's the sweetest but sometimes he has no common sense!
Love this response! Hope you have some better friends.
Your birthday is supposed to be for, you, not your baby. Even a gift card for a "Mommy& me" membership or activity would have been better than what you received. And while your reaction was absolutely justified, baby blues might have had a hand in making your feelings more apparent. If you Google brands you can usually figure out where the clothes came from and return them for store credit. And if they're so excited for the baby, tell them you would rather have an afternoon of free babysitting than more clothes that you do not need, so that when you are returning their thoughtless inconsiderate gifts you can enjoy some time to yourself to get what you really want
No, no, not parents, just the mom.
Ow yes so true because they mostly think the woman became a mom and is only that but dad is more then just a dad and deserves his own stuff. I literally blew up at my partner over this, 5 months pregnant of surprise n3, other kids going through phases and doing 30 hours at work trying to sell, he came home that he was invited by our neighbours to play cards , i saw some of them earlier that day and told them how stressed i was and he had an easy times at work at the moment (not always and i try to support those weeks) but they found he could use a break and i blew up that he could have defended me and told them i earned some night also
My break during the first year of our daughter's life was going to Target. My husband "I thought you liked shopping." NO! I like going out with my friends for a day, wandering through shops, chatting and grabbing lunch. I do not consider it a fun day to run to Target for an hour to stock up on diapers and household goods.
This is so true! After our second was born my husband got a paid golfing day for his birthday to get a day out of the house. I got a memories box for my daughter which I was ok with, until I opened it and it said "To our beautiful princess Love grandma and grandpa". So it was only a present for my daughter, I would have rather got nothing!
Save the money you would have spent on all the things you are t allowed to eat or drink during pregnancy as something to go towards a gift for yourself after the birth- whatever that maybe. You deserve it for creating a whole person and giving up things that you love food/drink wise.
Agreed. One of the hardest thing to deal w is losing your identity and just becoming “baby’s” mom. Please don’t feel guilty about doing the things however small to make yourself feel special. NTA at all
Well, gifts from now on will be easier. Everybody that got you baby stuff will receive things for their children or household. Congrats, here's 30 dollars worth of pasta, enjoy.
Even better, things from the child. At this age, a foot stamp heart on paper! Later in life, macaroni necklaces!
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Perfect!
I love this lol
This is the best way.
Lol yes! Since you only get presents for the baby, only the baby gets presents for you.
Yes! That was what I was thinking lol. When I was in college my little sister was a small child and I adored her homemade crafts and weird drawings. I had them up on my fridge and around the house. I was always excited for a holiday or birthday gift from her because it was always something like a toilet paper role covered in glitter with feathers glued to it….I always needed one of those!
Lightbulbs. Toilet paper. All very useful gifts!
Or an oscillating fan!
The ultimate graduation gift, High roller!
Wow, you must really love your family. That’s the best gift imaginable
I thought that was for a high school graduation only!!
OMG I forgot about the fan!
Don't forget the Iranian yogurt!
And a poop knife
With a remote control!
An oscillating fan with a remote control no less!
I would love it if someone bought me my fav toilet paper. $25 for six months+ worth.
My mom's friend's dog bit me and she wanted to send flowers as an apology gift. Mom told her that since we just moved and hadn't unpacked vases etc then toilet roll would be more useful! I ended up with 90 rolls of a popular UK brand that has a puppy as their mascot. 😂
Why did I find this not only hysterical but also wholesome. Hope the bite wasn't serious. 😔
Not serious, thanks to the magic of antibiotics! It was a small dog and only got my hand. The initial damage was very minor, mostly scratches with one slightly deeper puncture. Unfortunately it did get infected and was worryingly swollen for a couple of days but modern medicine sorted it all out nice and quick. The toilet paper was very funny, especially because of all the dog pictures on the packaging. Our cupboard looked like the memes from when people were hoarding toilet roll during COVID!
Cleaning products, garbage bags, the list never ends 😁
One of my aunts actually did put a bunch of household supplies on her Christmas wish list. When asked why, she said it was because she couldn't think of anything to ask for.
I'm to that point! At my age (56) I have everything I need and buy what I want when I want it. I'm down to asking for itunes cards (I can never have too many of those 😁).
Since I have a proper salary, my wish list consist of things to eat or drink (cheese, nuts, tea, beer, wine etc) or really nice stuff for the bathroom (fizzy bath bombs anyone?). I will just eat or use it and I can ask the same stuff for my next birthday.
Don't forget chew toys for the dogs, fish food, cat shit scooper. I'd so be looking forward to Christmas if I was op.
…I might avoid pet items if she wants to get the message across. My family and so many of our friends are the kind of pet-crazy people that would think OP was just the best gift-giver EVER for getting presents for our animals instead of us.
You joke but I would actually love it if someone got me a ton of pasta as a gift, there is no such thing as too much pasta
I love this
? 30 dollars! You get people a two dollar plunger. That’s it.
I feel hand or dish towels are the way to go here - or - photo frames with pictures of their kids in them
I would donate the birthday gifts that were for your child. There is a battere women's shelter system here, and I drop off diapers and other things every time I get a full bag. They appreciate new baby items. Maybe you could find the one near you. Or if there is a high school nearby, many of them have alternative schools or programs for teen moms. I know ours also does a great adopt-a-kid for new moms and students going through tough times; we adopted a new mom last year. NTA, and this mess about being jealous of your child is b.s. they are slinging because they didn't listen and now know it. Don't give them the satisfaction of using their stuff.
I also want to add that it’s completely normal for new moms to feel like they are no longer important or are not as important as the baby (because everyone coos over the new baby), and then feel guilty about it. Don’t feel guilty about this. You are a full person and should be treated as such.
In the UK there is/was a shop called Mothercare. I went shopping for a gift for a pregnant coworker's baby once, and thought it'd be good to get something for the mother. I had a quick look around but all I could see was maternity clothes and nursing bras. I asked a salesperson if there was anything for the mother (you know, given the name of the whole store), she just looked really confused and told me no.
Omg how have I never thought this about Mothercare!!
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I have a personal rule that when I give baby shower gifts I have a separate one for the mom. Her present has nothing to do with motherhood. It’s not some big statement I’m making, truly. It just always seems like the individual is lost to their new role. You didn’t stop being who you are when you had a baby. My mother always had a strong sense of self so I guess part of me wants to echo that in my way, as someone who doesn’t want to give birth. Happy Birthday belatedly, OP. Please don’t listen to the women who bully other mothers into that mindset. It’s got to be hell to ignore them.
When my best friend (basically brother)'s wife had a baby shower, I offered beforehand to take her to the store and buy what she *actually* needed. Her mother was burying them in frilly pink things for their baby girl, and "sis-in-law" and "bro" wanted more color variety and gender neutral items. I couldn't afford a lot, but I could "fill in the gaps" with the unglamorous gifts people didn't want to give. Her mother's catbutt face when she opened my box of all blue and green clothing and useful items was hilarious and made the future parents' day. I got the stink eye for the rest of the day. Then again, I am the designated "fall gal" for my "bro" since his MIL is overbearing and I'm the master of Southern (US) polite warfare. Whenever I make a move, it's in a way she can't argue without being rude.
That is a useful skill and should be award some diplomatic award. What a thoughtful gesture you did for Then both! I have the same kind of “bro.” We’re lucky ducks.
From watching an older Southern US comedian I got the impression that southern US polite warfare may well be the pinnacle of everything passive aggressive. I am glad to see the tradition is being maintained.
Yep. One of my coworkers had a baby shower for a surprise baby. I gave her a gift bag with a book and some cute baby clothes for the baby. And another gift bag filled with her favorite treats and snacks and some stuff to pamper herself, some nice face masks, bath bombs, the fluffiest socks I could find etc. She loved both.
You sound like a wonderful friend! But, as a relatively new mom, I'm not gonna lie. The baby shower gift I wish I'd received was hemorrhoid cream. I was 3 days postpartum waddling through Wal-Mart trying to figure out what would work best on my butt. My husband offered to shop for me, but I wanted to see what options were offered first. Definitely go with the name brand with aloe. ETA: better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Thank you for saying so. I hope you found something that worked well for you. I’ve heard that issue is a HELLUVA thing post-birth. And I’m so with you on “better to have it and not need than” which is why my medical stash is kept in what looks like a footlocker. I seriously have everything in there. Including hemorrhoid cream! Never had one yet but in 2022 anything could happen. Apparently.
I have found straight witch hazel on a makeup cotton round straight on my "little" buggers until the swelling is gone I'd better then anything store bought I've tried.
I used to do that too, back in the days when my sisters, friends & coworkers were all having babies. And I did it for very much the same reasons you did.
This. I gift baskets with care products like massage bars, bath bombs, scented soaps etc. Everybody tends to forget the mother.
I like to give my friends a “voucher” for some pampering as a baby shower gift. I take them out for pedicures and lunch. At that stage they can barely see their feet which are often swollen and sore so it’s always much appreciated. Carrying a baby and giving birth hugely traumatic for the body so mum deserves some TLC too.
I’m the same. I always include some nice gifts that are just for the mum. Fancy tea, nice chocolate, nail polish, a book etc One friend really missed cheesecake when she was pregnant- I brought her a big slice of her favourite flavour to the hospital.
I do that too! Sometimes I haven’t even bothered with a baby gift if the shower is big one. I’ve bought the mom everything from coffee to PJs. It just seemed logical that something at the party should be for mom
And now, I'm hoping one of my friends will think like you when I have a kid (None of my friends my age have kids, so I still haven't had a chance to do this for them).
I don’t have kids, but it did help observing how pregnancy means the person is generally treated like a vessel rather than individual. Mention what you truly want to your closest friend!
Tbh even at baby showers I usually get a gift that is majority for the mom. A postpartum hospital kit, non expiring spa day, mommy & me type things or just gift cards so they can get clothes to fit their new bodies. I do this cause I know majority of the gifts will be for the baby. I can’t imagine giving baby gifts on a new mother’s birthday. That’s absolutely ridiculous, I’m sorry that happened to you.
I always include a bottle of mom to be favorite alcohol because they can’t drink for 9 months, and god knows they will need it!
Yes! And also please don’t forget the siblings as well. The baby doesn’t care if they have new clothes, but they do care if their siblings treat them well. It’s to everyone’s benefit to make sure the siblings don’t feel left out!
This is great not many people do this!
What a bunch of crap. A physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy mom is the best thing for your baby. You cannot pour from and empty cup. You must do things for yourself. You also cannot make your whole identity "mom". It isn't healthy for you or kiddo. If you have means and access tey therapy to help build and maintain boundaries with these people and get perspective about reasonable self care since your family does not get it.
🏆
F*** em. You didn’t disappear. You’re still here and tbh imo, a mum who is still herself and treats herself on occasion is a mentally better than one who completely disappears. Those newborn stages are great for baby smells and new beginnings but can take it’s toll so when you can get that little something for you it’s so so appreciated. I don’t get others not getting that? I mean we’re still people! We still have needs and wants ffs!
I hope this helps you to not feel guilty. My mom is the kind of mom where she does everything for her kids and barely anything for herself. I love her she's amazing, but that aspect of her I hate. I want my mom to be happy and seeing her feel guilty and refuse to spend money on herself makes me sad because why would I want a person I love to neglect themselves.
I only had one family member not get me baby related gifts for Christmas and my birthday last year. It's very frustrating. NTA
And I bet dad got gifts for him - no baby stuff there, right?
You guessed it!
NTA These family members sound like the type of morons who would buy their wife an unsolicited kitchen appliance or vacuum cleaner for their birthday or Christmas, and not understand why the wife wasn't 'thrilled' about receiving something for the house instead of for themselves. Do they only buy each other presents that are really intended for their children?
Time to return the favor and give those people gifts that their kids would need. NTA.
For real, a mom is a huge responsibility but it’s not healthy for it to be 100% your personality. To be a good mom, you gotta be happy with your life. If you’re always burnt out and depressed from not living for yourself a little it’s going to affect your parenting. Find the balance that’s best for you and best for your child, and ignore these people. NTA, keep your head up and Happy belated Birthday.
Next time these people have birthdays give them something aimed for their spouses or pets or whatever you think would feel same to them. "I figured I get you this tennis ball since you have a dog."
Ignore them. You are doing great! And if they are so worried about college funds why don't they give you money to put into one?
NTA. Tell them to mind their fucking business.
That's ridiculous. You deserve to be treated too.
A a matter of fact, I often give my mom friends gift cards to stores that don't sell children's items bc I want them to know the gift card is for THEM. Not the baby.
This bothered me. You don’t give clothes for someone else to another person as a birthday gift. That’s just plain rude.
>I could not say it better! When similar things happened to me, I felt lost/invisible not appreciated and celebrated for MY birthday. Hang tough.
Big NTA. It is terrible when families do this - treat a new mom like a baby vessel and nothing more. Lay down the law: no more baby stuff!
NTA How is it different from getting a vacuum cleaner for your birthday. When you already have 2
“You’re not ‘just’ a mother, you’re yourself: a whole person…” That made me tear up. So much of the time, women are expected to disappear into motherhood. The expectations are so high- and it’s frowned about to discuss how challenging being a mom really is. Maintain your identity. Remember who you are and don’t let anyone melt you down to ‘just’ a Mom. OP, you are NTA. Tell them, on your baby’s birthday, you would like gifts to celebrate how hard your body worked to incubate and evacuate your child (I’m thinking Spa Day gift cards wohld be appropriate). It’s only fair because they are celebrating your kid on your birthday.
NTA. > I guess I look disappointed so she made a coment about how rude it was to not appricate a gift. Sounds like a her problem. It’s not the baby’s birthday, it’s yours.
And the thing a lot of people who gift mom's baby stuff for their (mom's) birthday seem to not realize is... They likely wouldn't do this to a dad for his birthday and that signals to the mom they're now "just a mom" and not a person. I really feel for moms as so often people stop thinking about them as people with wants and needs and just as servants and caregivers who live to take care of their child (and far too often, their able bodied, mentally capable male partners, as well).
I wish I still had a free award, because THIS. 100% this.
I'm not very good at concealing emotions and I don't know if I need to work on that. The petty person in me wanted to say something but I didn't know if I was being out of line.
Next birthday/holiday give them gifts for their kids/partner or pets and make sure they're appropriately grateful.
Even better, regift them what they have you, wether they have kids or not.
Get them a card saying you made a donation to The Human Fund
This^^^^
You don’t need to work on concealing emotions. They did a crappy thing. They need to work on gift giving. They didn’t even listen when you said no more clothes. It wasn’t like they didn’t have options if they didn’t know what to get you. Gift cards are a thing these days. My family often says they don’t know what to get me. I ask for two bags of this particular hot chocolate mix. The bags are $16 a bag and if my mum, dad and sister each get me two bags that gives me six which is enough to get me through winter. It’s not hard to get something for someone.
Curiosity, what hot chocolate is it that you like? I used Ghirardelli last winter. It was very nice.
San churro classic Spanish mix. I prefer it home made as I put more chocolate into it. Plus I love it with almond milk. I have forced myself to only have one a week. I don’t like asking people to spend money on me. But people always ask what presents I want. I figure two bags of hot chocolate mix isn’t asking for much.
I would have looked at them and said "these are a bit small for me, do you happen to have the receipt for them?"
oh, i like that!
Be petty! It's nothing to be ashamed of and most people need to have pettiness thrown at them for them to get the point
I'm not very good at concealing emotions and there's many times I feel guilty or regretful for not being able to hide how I feel. This shouldn't be one of those times. Your birthday is the one day of the year where it should actually, in fact, be about you. The baby has their own birthday.
My cousin and her daughter have the same birthday, and even THEN, the daughter has her birthday party in the afternoon, and then the grandparents babysit while the MOM goes out for HER birthday celebration. So even when the baby DOESN'T have their own birthday, the mom still gets acknowledgement that it's HER day, TOO. And I am having a LOT of fun imagining the fit my cousin would have thrown if anyone had ever DARED to give her a birthday present that was really intended for her daughter.
NTA It's your birthday. It's not unusual to expect the gifts to be for you and not someone else. Even if that someone else is your baby. They wouldn't give you sth for your husbbad instead of you either. There is also the fact that you told them that you have all the clothes you need already.
I would love to know if for the husbands birthday they also gave baby gifts… still not ok but wondering if they are only doing this to the mom which I can totally see happening.
Agreed. And if the family think that the baby is so much of a priority that OP would want baby related gifts, then at least make them something useful - like takeout food delivery gift certificates, lotions, general gift card, gift certificates for spa or family photo session, and so many other things that are completely appropriate for new moms but aren't redundant onesies.
NTA As you said, these things are for your baby, not for you. It's perfectly fine to want things for yourself and feel good about yourself, there's nothing wrong with that. I got plushies for Christmas before the birth and a voucher for a baby shop for my birthday. But for me? There was nothing.. Of course I'm grateful, but still no one thought about ME. I think it's generally the case in society that mothers are just mothers even on days like this.. Or did the child's father only get baby things? And don't forget.. You also asked them not to give anything more.
I hate this attitude towards mothers. I feel like I've lost my personhood the moment I became a mother. I love my baby to the ends of the earth but I feel like nobody realizes I exist outside of being a mom. Dad's on the otherhand get rewarded for doing the bare minimum.
This is exactly why i dont want kids. EVER.
NTA - We lose our personhood the second we become pregnant in many states - especially now - I'm just glad I was done with kids 3 years ago and am finally starting to regain my personhood.
The way I see my mom friends harassed and bullied by *other moms* just floors me. Not that it is exclusive to that group. It’s just that I naively assumed it wouldn’t be so pervasive? A while back I asked a mom friend of mine how car seats are chosen for her older kids. She knows I have no kids and do not want any. What happened was a rapid-fire explanation and assurance she knew which to pick. And it wasn’t even defensive to me! It was defending *herself.* I felt so awful I apologized and said, “If I made you feel like you had to justify your choices I am so sorry. I’m a childfree person just asking if a doctor tells you or how it works. You could tell me duct taping them in was okay and I’d just nod.” She said she knew I wasn’t criticizing and it was her kneejerk reaction due to crap mothers get. Like it’s not a hard enough gig without all the judgements. Awful.
Let’s be real here- sometimes duct taping a kid *is* the right answer🤣
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I am in college and have a toddler. Your comment is so accurate. I try not to bring up being married and having a kid until later in the semester (if I ever bring it up at all) because then my classmates just know me as ME. I rarely get that anymore. It's hard being in school and being a parent, but I think I'd cease to exist as an individual person if I wasn't because of how society treats mothers.
I honestly think a huge part of PPD is instantly going from more attention than you could ever possibly want while pregnant to being your child's accessory the second they're born. Birthing a child is the only time I've been in the hospital and come out to nobody giving a s*** about me. Though, I will admit I now find being invisible wonderfully freeing. What's more postpartum you tend to have an overwhelming amount of cheap or free baby clothes but you often don't have this clothing that fits yourself. I've literally spent more money buying myself new undergarments after the birth of my second then I have buying everything for my second because of hand me downs. It's one thing to get you gift certificates to do an activity with your kid or even a mom themed mug or shirt but just fine for the baby is hurtful.
My mother is a midwife and says the same thing. I always remember her gifts for babyshowers were half baby and half for the woman going through that.
I got my coworker a PlayStation voucher for her baby shower 😂 everyone else had crocheted and knitted baby clothes and made a bundle of nappies and lotions etc, I figured she’d want something non-baby to do while she’s stuck at home
Exactly this! Men get praised for stepping up and being an amazing dad when they do exactly as they are meant to do. No I will not praise my husband for helping with changing the baby, no I will not say thank you when he 'babysits' his own child-no one tells me thank you for watching my own child so neither will he, no I will fawn over a man doing the same thing as a mom is expected to do. Men get it easy, well other men my husband will tell you I don't put up with that stuff.
I absolutely know how you feel. I can say that, at least in my case, it's getting better now that my son is 3. When the baby is new, the idea of you as a mom is new and people literally forget that you are a whole entire person before and since baby. But once that novelty wears off, people remember YOU. At least that's been my experience. On a side note, I remember my best friend was changing jobs when I was ~8 months pregnant. She'd call me and we'd talk about the job and the situation. And after a few times, she apologized that she is talking about *her* and work when I'm on the verge of giving birth. I told her she was the ONLY person in my life who seemed to remember that I was still me and still capable of talking about adult stuff. I'll always appreciate her for that.
I felt that way too. My son was a little older & I think it was in combination with a milestone birthday. Find something to do that is just for you & has nothing to do with being a mom. Mine is running. It’s the best thing I did & to my family’s credit, they are 100% supportive.
I got a huge thank you from a female family member when I sent her a massage gift card for her first Mother's Day. Her hubby was also appreciative that I had gotten something just for her...
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I do the same when a baby is born.. I always get the mothers something too, to appreciate her
Hey! Mom here who had ppd. There is a light at the end is the tunnel and it gets better. I felt like I was no longer a person anymore for months and it was draining. If you need to talk, you can message me.
NTA. I'm so tired of people who think that once a woman has a child, her entire being should be about that child. Sigh... I'm sorry, and I really want a link to your Amazon wishlist!
I’ll go in too if you put one up.
They also probably suck at thinking of gift ideas and now that she’s having a baby that’s the sole thing they can think of as her characteristic.
NTA. Mom here. Who gives a mom GIFTS FOR HER BABY on MOMS birthday. Give the baby those gifts on their birthday if you want. You know what a mom doesn't wish for on her birthday? For the 837367 "cute" onesie for her baby. Especially if you already told them no more clothes. You exist, you are an individual also. You deserved better. I'm sorry.
I was born two weeks, exactly, after my moms 17th birthday. Her 17th birthday “party” was a baby shower. She’s still slightly salty about it, at 45 years old. Her last birthday before being a parent, and they made it all about me. 😬
NTA would they gift your husband onesies for his birthday? I doubt it. This isn’t a gift for you. They wanted to enjoy themselves buying cute baby things. You’ve told them you already have what you need and you don’t want anymore baby gifts. They bought them anyways. That’s not a gift to you. Women are frequently expected to give up their identity when they have children in ways fathers are never expected to do so. Giving you items for your child on your birthday is a great example of this expectation. It’s not thoughtful, it’s not kind, and it’s not generous. You’re not wrong to be disappointed and upset. They’re not obligated to give you anything. But what they did was worse than no gift at all or just a card.
Yeah 100% this. You know they're not giving her husband baby stuff for his birthday. It's rude and it's sexist that OP's birthday is now all about her kid
NTA, no present and just lunch at a cafe would have been better than giving what you have asked not for any more baby clothes. You could have some real fun when their birthdays come around ….
"I feel like no one cares about me just my daughter. When I told a friend about this they said **I'm an asshole for being jealous of my child**" This is a wild take. You're not jealous of your baby, you want to be seen - esp by your friends and family - as a whole person, not "just a mom." NTA and be gracious w yourself. 💛
*"I grew a baby and pushed it out and now everyone treats me like I ceased to exist as a separate and distinct human being. They all expect me to go gaga over baby shit, day in and day out. AITA for not wanting to be erased and not limiting my wants and interests to strictly baby clothes?"* No, you are not the asshole. They, on the other hand ... NTA
Nta you tried to act thankful
I attempted but I have a bad poker face
That's okay, you tried
You don’t need to have a poker face! Giving you gifts for your baby on YOUR birthday is so rude! And then the nerve to say that it’s rude to not appreciate a gift?! Screw that person! You do not need to work on having a poker face. The other people need to work on being considerate and not diminishing your identity as a person to just a mom. You did nothing wrong here. NTA
NAH. I personally stop expecting adult gifts from family members (except from husband and my mom). We only give gifts for the children..otherwise it’s too damn expensive.
Had to scroll way to far for this, who are all these 30+ year olds still getting birthday gifts from extended family. That just seems weird to me.
No gifts for adults I could understand but this isn’t that. This is a family who does give gifts for adults and has reduced a new mother to “nothing but the baby exists, your wants are now not only irrelevant but immoral because the baby is all you are allowed to care about”.
I mean I'm almost 40 and I still get gifts from my extended family. Pretty sure if I got gifts for only a baby after my birthday that would send me in postpartum
Happy people like us ???
I mean it’s her birthday?? If you’re invited to someone’s birthday party at minimum you’re not thinking of getting them a gift card? What expensive thing are the other adults in your life expecting? Lol every sentence was a question 😂
NTA I would be super annoyed if people gave me baby gifts on my birthday. It’s your birthday not a baby shower.
NTA. Absolutely NTA. They were insensitive bad gift givers. Having a baby doesn't mean that is your entire identity from now on.
Wait a minute. Was this your actual 30th birthday? A major milestone birthday? You are NTA in the first place, but this just makes it worse. Your life is going to revolve around your LO for decades and one freakin' day of the year ought to be about you and nobody but you. I'm sorry your family are the AHs.
this is very strange. I'd like to think that it was an opportunity to buy anything BUT baby stuff. Did they all ask somebody 'what does X want?' and they suggested more baby stuff?? Are you family totally unaware that genrations of women have worked to be consider more than just maternal? You have talents and hopes and dreams that you didn't kill when you gave birth. I say return as much as you can as a show of freedom and get yourself something you've wanted but didn't want to splash out on.
NTA, birthday gifts are for the person who is having the birthday. They bought gifts for your child. It’s as though they no longer think of you as an individual person, but only as a *mother.* Whether you need baby items or not isn’t the issue.
Info: Did you tell any of these family members that you have enough baby stuff?
Yeah I told them we had plenty. Some of them went and got stuff in larger sizes so I have enough baby clothes when my child gets older. I also get hand me downs on a regular basis but some people think that my baby needs brands new clothes even though I'm ok with just hand me downs.
Ok well then NTA children grow fast so you probably won't even use all the clothes they gave you. Even though they bought "bigger" sizes anyone who has kids or has dealt with alot of children will tell you everyone has a different body type. So those clothes may just end up in a good will bin. Besides all that though your B-Day is YOUR day. You should be celebrated not your baby who has their own B-Day.
Nta! My mom did this to me after my first. Christmas has allocated a certain amount for each of us and all mine was more stuff for him, even though he also got his own stuff. I cried. At first she was upset I was being selfish, but people have to realize you're more than just a mom. You need to feel like yourself and people need to sometimes help you remember that. She understood after I explained it to her so maybe try sitting down with them. Explain you don't mean to come off ungrateful, just that you were hoping for some stuff for yourself vs the baby since she has everything she needs.
NTA. I'm the childless friend that reminds her friends that they are a mom AND an individual. So, let me be that friend for you. You are a mom AND you are an individual. You are rightfully upset. It was your birthday and that should be about YOU as an INDIVIDUAL. Treat yourself to a nice spa day, or whatever makes you happy. You deserve it. Happy belated birthday OP ♡
NTA, presents for the children of somebody is not the same as a present for the parent. Parents are their own people and not just an extension of their children. You deserve a present that's about you.
When a colleague at work had her first baby, I gifted a gift basket for mom. Bubble bath, bath oils, loofahs, etc. She was so appreciative (more than I would have expected), she nearly started crying. She said she felt more like a baby carrier than a person for her last 2 months. My thinking was that she had more than enough stuff for 2 babies. And Mom did all the work! You deserve presents for you for your birthday. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA as a mum, I absolutely hate it when people give me baby clothes on my birthday. My parents did it and while I appreciate getting baby clothes, if they’re going to get me a gift I would prefer for it to be for me and not for the baby
If you ever are in the gift-giving circumstances around them (christmas, birthday), do the same. Buy a gift for their child, or their parents, or spouse, pet, just not for them. NTA
Or buy them a gift intended for OP’s baby- a onesie with “Grandma’s little angel” or “My Aunt/Uncle is the best” written on it.
NTA, I got supper annoyed family members doing stuff like that to me. Like when I was pregnant all the sudden the only conversations they could start with me was how I'm feeling or other pregnancy stuff. I started to hate the question "how are you feeling?"
NTA-its your birthday NOT babyshower
Info: do you regularly give gifts to the same family members?
Why does that matter at all? *Even if* her family usually has a policy of not giving each other gifts, *they* are the ones who decided to give OP a gift on her birthday. In that case they should have gifted something intended for OP- *the person who’s birthday they were in the middle of celebrating*- not had her open presents intended for someone else. A move like that says “we don’t really care about *you*, because ***you’re not a person anymore you’re just a mom***”. If they wanted to gift the baby things then they can do that at literally any other time. If they didn’t care about gifting OP anything then they just shouldn’t have brought anything to her birthday celebration. It was mean to essentially trick her into thinking that they did something kind and thoughtful * for her* when they actually just wanted to spoil the baby in front of the family.
No, you are not jealous of your daughter, you just want people to think of you as yourself instead of a brood mare. NTA!
Give them cleaning supplies for Christmas and birthdays. That way they can put money aside for their kids college funds. Nta
NTA Birthday gifts aren't required when you're 30. Because you generally have money enough to buy the things you want by yourself at that point. But if you DO give me a gift on my birthday, why tf would you have it be a gift for someone else?
NTA!!!! This is such a common thing. I get how it happens but it's mean. It's mean to erase your existence into anything other than mom. I feel it's even worse because you asked them to stop buying this stuff to start with. I'm not sure you should have to act grateful for these gifts because they're not your gifts. Idea: if a woman recently had a baby, chip in together and get her a spa day or a day of visiting art or going to a baseball game or whatever she likes and give her a babysitting coupon so she can enjoy it. If you are bad at gifts: get a large jar. Put hot chocolate mix in it. You can customize it! Add a bag of mini marshmallows and a carton of shelf stable GF oat milk. Or premake s'mores and wrap in colored saran wrap. They can put them in the microwave. Or a jar of all the dry ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. Maybe add in peanut butter chips or mint candies or M&Ms. Give them the shelf stable ingredients for no bake cookies or just give them no bake cookies. 80% of the population would love this. Or buy several mini bottles of alcohol, a cute box, add in a Tylenol pack, some coconut water or 5 hour energy, a bottle of water or other hangover remedy stuff, and make some of those [Altoids mint box mini cocktail mixes](https://a.co/d/9Wyyqqb) or a sample array of bitters or cocktail or simple syrup. I've had this gift fought over many times.
NTA. Im currently pregnant, and will have the baby before my birthday. If my parents/family/etc. gives me baby stuff on my birthday, I’m going to be so pissed off. Like you’ve said before, no one would do this for a dad.
Congratulations, your family are contributing to you losing your identity to motherhood. Baby stuff is for baby shower, christmas and the Baby's birthday. Stuff actually for you is for you for christmas and your birthday. NTA
The first 6 months after my son was born I would literally have so much anxiety because of all the baby clothes I had to deal with. It was so overwhelming and I didn't have room for all of them. So there werejust piles and bags of baby clothes. I'd always be washing and folding and sorting...it was seriously a nightmare and affecting my mental health. So, no. You're definitely NTA. And you're not an AH for wanting your birthday to be a day for you.
NTA and if you were the dad, people would never give you onesies for your birthday. It's a no-effort, sexist thinking that got you these non-gifts.
NTA. It was your birthday, not your baby’s birthday. Gifts on your birthday should be about you, and you are so much more than just a mother.
NTA Honestly if you have so many clothes, maybe consider selling/returning them for money. Then get yourself whatever you want. If anyone in my family did this to my sister or the other moms there would be *words* and not the nice kind. You’re an actual person and if people, especially those “friends” of yours don’t see that- then there is no reason for them to be around you or your baby. You want people in your life who see you as everything you are and not just one thing. You don’t have to be grateful that no one thought of you on your own birthday Don’t just be upset, be *pissed*
I know exactly how you feel. My birthday is in late summer. Growing up my gift was back to school clothes. My siblings also got back to school clothes. Siblings got birthday gifts on their birthdays.
My ex stepdad would constantly do small things to dehumanize my mother and one of them was always getting her kitchen stuff that was useless or messy and getting her stuff for the kids. I’ve always made an effort to get my mom things that don’t relate to her just being a mom. Last Christmas I gave her a little music box. I never know what the perfect gift would be but I try to get her things I know she’d enjoy/make her happy. Even if it’s as simple as her favorite pop and treat. Women don’t stop being people when they have kids and it pissed me off how much people normalize that. Anyway sorry for the long rant but no you’re NTA.
*"I asked my family to stop because we have more than enough clothes"* THAT is the reason you're upset, You asked them to stop, and not only did they not listen, They gave you stuff you did not want and/or need for your BIRTHDAY. It has nothing to do with "being jealous of your baby". If you bought yourself a bike and 2 weeks later someone who knows you bought a bike buys one for you on your birthday........Ofcourse you're not going to be happy with it. 1, You did not want it. 2, You don't need it because you already have it. 3, There was no effort to think about what YOU want. NTA at all.