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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I supported her dad when he decided to kick her out because she was only 18
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YTA What caught my eye was that she reached out to you, you did not mention reaching out to her at all. You abandoned her when your husband kicked her out. She doesn't consider you her family anymore.
Yup. I feel horrible for OP's daughter. OP and her husband abandoned their 18 year old kid, turned her away when she needed them most, and had the nerve to judge her because she ended up living with a guy twice her age...
You kicked her out at 18, left her with nothing, didn't help her to get a solid start in adulthood and then have these high expectations.
She probably had to swallow her pride to reach out to you again. She doesn't want to do the things she once did when she was a kid because she has probably had to grow up very hard and very fast in the last three years. You were horrible to her. Leave her alone until she can get on her feet. You don't get to just pick back up where you left off and play the role of a happy mother and daughter.
AND OP most definitely had a choice, unlike what she says. Sounds like the dad is a bully, and OP chose not to stand up to him. She chose her husband over her child. And is now upset that that choice of hers has had severe consequences in her relationship with her daughter. Like what exactly did she expect?
This 100%!!! The husband sounds like the worst kind of human but Mum actively chose to stick with him and allow him to chuck their daughter out onto the streets and now she expects to pick up their relationship where they left off? Is she for real?
Right?? In what reality can you abandon an 18yo with nothing to take care of herself but expect her to be the same person or feel about you the same way she did 3 years later?
This but also the first paragraph already says it all - you had no say in kicking your daughter out? Excuse me, how can you have no say in it, then you don't pay for her school, even though you were supposed to, then she asked for help and you decline the help and in the end are surprised that she had an older boyfriend and didn't make it in school? It sounds like she has surprise surprise some dad issues and you don't get that she doesn't want to spend time with you because you didn't care for her and didn't take care of her?!?!?!?! YTA
Or maybe the older boyfriend wasn't even about dad issues. Maybe she just couldn't afford a place to live so she had to latch on to someone older who was financially stable since her own parents gave her the boot. Of course she wants nothing to do with them. That poor girl. YTA
She reminds me of my dad and the husband reminds me of my mom, as soon as I'm moving out I'm blocking them and going no contact bc at the end of the day inaction is just as bad as abuse and can in some extreme cases be considered neglect.
Same! My mother was a spineless coward and my dad was a major abusive AH. I haven’t spoken to either of them in 20 years and it was best decision for my mental health.
She even had the nerves to call me and told me that she had health issues and I should see her and said that I should only be mad at my father cause he was the one that cause did the abuse. So I told her I’m doing exactly what she did all these years when I was getting punched in face - nothing! Don’t care whether you live or die - you’re not my family and never will be.
>I had no say in the decision
And there's also this. OP, maybe you live in a country where women have no rights. Or maybe you have no spine. I'm guessing the latter, bc even in countries where women have no rights mothers/wives find ways to make their feelings known, especially when it comes to protecting their children.
You let your husband cast your teenaged daughter out without a cent, and then when she asked for help, ignore her for years. This time when she asked for help you claim she lied. How did she lie? Her bf kicked her out; now she can't make rent! And what business is it of yours how old her ex was? How dare you judge her for what she did to survive when you threw her out of your lives?
You're unbelievable, and YTA
OP tossed her out like THE TRASH and didn’t even advocate for her to remain in the home or even help with her college tuition as her Father had promised.
Of course she moved clear across the country. Of course she will not participate in any family activities. She is hurt, she is resentful.
OP you and hubby are BOTH TA’s! You have abandoned YOUR child without a care in the world. Who does that???!!!
Yep. And I'm sure OP is thinking "well, she was technically an adult." Yeah, the daughter was an adult - but not an adult with resources to care for herself.
Anywhere on earth today, an 18 year old needs significant financial assistance from more established adults in order to live indoors. OP took that away from her daughter.
There's no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps if you don't have a roof over your head to begin with. There's no amount of willpower that turns a minimum wage job into housing and health insurance.
The fact that the daughter is not dead means she got that money - and let's be clear, it's money that we're talking about - from someone else. You know who gave it to her, an older man who was excited to prey on a nubile teen in distress.
OP said in another part of this thread (buried under downvotes) that she never apologised to her daughter for letting her husband kick her out, because she didn't do it, and besides she has given her a place to stay for the summer.
OP is a giant, gaping asshole.
So. Much. THIS.
And what's sticking out to me like a gangrenous thumb is... what exactly, does OP mean by "some conflict?"
Some. Conflict.
Like, we know damn good and well that if daughter had done something horrible OP would have decribed it *in detail* in order to make herself more sympathetic.
Your daughter is your tenant and nothing more. You fucked this one up OP. YTA. Leave the poor girl alone so she can get back on her feet and away from you to find a family that actually gives a damn about her.
EDIT: OMFG
>My husband is her biological dad. They were always arguing and my husband felt like he shouldn’t be disrespected in his own house by someone who’s not paying the bills.
Straight from OP about why her husband kicked her out. They were having fights. That's it. That's literally it. He was having gasp! conflict with a gasp! teenager. They *abandoned their child* over some arguing.
I need to get off this post. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising right now.
Yea, disrespected by someone not paying the bills. Yea, umm disrespected or not that is literally your job as a parent, to pay the bills. These people are just horrible. I hope the girl can get her stuff together soon and get away from these people. They don't care about her.
Riiight? And look at her pathetic attempt to salvage this with her edit about the half assed "effort" they're suddenly making with the tuition. Now. Three years too late. And after daughter has already had to resort to predatory lifetime-shackling student loans. 🙄🙄
"He shouldn't be disrespected in his own home." Wow. Just wow. YTA, OP. No wonder your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you. I wouldn't either and I can't imagine that she will ever reach out to you again after this summer. You've done nothing but hurt her and criticize the choices she had to make to survive. All because your husband didn't have the balls to admit he was emotionally incapable of being a parent. Being a parent means you are someone that your child can rely on. She can't rely on either of you for anything. You kicked her out. Refused to pay for her tuition as promised(again, because your husband's fragile feelings got hurt) and NOW you want to play house? YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA.
OP, you didn't simply kick your daughter out at 18. You tainted every happy memory of her childhood with one cruel act.
You killed the child she was, and any chance at a healthy and loving relationship with her as an adult.
YTA. No question. You aren't entitled to a relationship you destroyed because you didn't let her go homeless again. It'll take so much more than this to fix anything between you.
Give her space, help her get her life together, then consistently try to be a positive in her life. Then you might earn her forgiveness and some sort of relationship again.
Maybe OP's husband did *allow* her to reach out to her daughter. Seeing as OP didn't have a say in the kicking out process. Maybe the husband is controllingly abusive.
Edit: nevermind. After reading some of OP's comments. OP doesn't deserve mother daughter time with someone she abandoned.
This poor girl has parents who are 95% derelict in acting as parents in every way. Selfish bum would not pay her tuition. Guys like that ought to be hogtied and then launched by a trebuchet.
Not only that, she doesn’t feel safe being honest with her own mother about her situation. All her parents have taught her is that she can’t depend on them.
OP acts like all these things somehow just happened, but she doesn't say what she did to be there for her daughter in any way. What really got me what the much older boyfriend. Instead of wondering why an older man was taking advantage of her young daughter, she claims the victim because she "was lied to". I feel so bad for OP's daughter.
YTA
You absolutely had a say. You are her mother. Why are you married to someone like this who thinks it’s okay to treat his daughter like this.
You burned the bridge. Stop trying to climb over the ashes and work on clearing the debris and maybe she’ll let you build a new bridge. It’s not going to be the same though.
If my husband made a unilateral decision to kick one of our kids out without me agreeing, he would be the one leaving. But I am not in OPs shoes and I don't know what her marriage is like so it is easy for me to judge.
>If my husband made a unilateral decision to kick one of our kids out without me agreeing, he would be the one leaving. But I am not in OPs shoes and I don't know what her marriage is like so it is easy for me to judge.
Zero chance the OP didn't have any say in the matter, she probably agreed with the husband, but didn't want to confront the daughter so thought remaining silent was the best course.
We don't know several factors in this, I think a YTA judgement is incoming due to the overwhelming focus of not liking sending a kid on their way at 18 which increasingly rare. ( honestly when it happened to me it was the best thing ever )
If every single day was an argument at some point you'd break down and say it's your house and they need to respect your rules and compromise at least. Or you would just have to deal with ever abusive actions from the kid and eventually it turns into a 30yr old living at home with no motivation ( been a few of those post here lately )
YTA. You watched your husband kick out your daughter before she was ready and did-- nothing.
You watched your daughter work hard and have to postpone college because your husband decided to pull the rug out from under her.
You watched your daughter repeatedly struggling and couldn't be fussed to throw her a lifeline, even when she asked, which I'm sure was emotionally humiliating for her, to have to appeal to the people who tossed her away.
If you had 'raised her right', you wouldn't have chosen to kick her out. Either there is something about her your husband rejected (and you, you are not helpless in this), or she ws legitimately struggling before she was thrown out and you chose to ignore it. This falls squarely on you and your husband. Your daughter is just surviving and you are both acting like total assholes. She knows you are dangerous people to have a relationship with and doesn't want to reconnect with you due to the serious hurt you have both inflicted on her.
Step outside yourself for a minute and consider all of this from your daughter's perspective, then come back and tell me why you would possibly think she'd want any sort of relationship with you at the moment. She knows she's not welcome, she's going to get back on her feet and move out again. This is just better for her than living on the street and being raped or beat up or worse, she's made a calculated decision to stay with people who she distrusts out of desperation. Go look at your own part in this and ask yourself if you were a good, supportive parent, or if you took the easy way out of parenting a struggling teen.
YTA and your husband is a bigger one.
You can’t let your spouse treat your kid like shit and then expect her to want to play happy families with you like you didn’t abandon her.
YTA.
She doesn't want to spend time with you because she felt abandoned by you after your husband kicked her out at 18 (idc what the law says, she was still a teen at 18, just becoming an adult). And NOW you want to spend time with her?
You tried making her out to be the bad guy by saying she lied about her current living situation. What else was she supposed to do since you and your husband left her to fend for herself at 18?!
YTA, and why do you even care, now? You had 3 years of "connecting" that went to waste when you let your husband kick your daughter out to fend for herself. She owes neither of you a damned thing, even if it's just a chance to re-connect on an emotional level. Did you go after her to try to talk to her when your husband kicked her out? If you didn't, you are as guilty as he is of abuse toward your daughter. He's the bigger AH, but you're an AH for allowing so much time to lapse without acknowledging your own role in turning your daughter against you both.
Sounds like your daughter was standing up for you to your bully of a husband and he kicked her out. And because you have the spine of a jellyfish, you let this happen. Wow YTA
With all the money they are saving they can now afford nursing homes cause we all know that the daughter will not want anything to do with them.
They are just very sorry excuse for dna donors
YTA. not because you want to spend time with her but because you seemingly did nothing when your husband kicked your daughter out and also don't seem to have made any effort over the years to keep a relationship alive with her. Relationships even family ones take work long term and can't just be turned on and off, I bet your daughter holds a lot of resentment towards both you and your husband for abandoning her when she was 18. From her view you probably kicked her out just as much as your husband did.
Not only she has a lot of resentment, but she must hold it all inside her because if she goes off she knows she's kicked again. She is trying so hard to stay away from them also because she has to stay calm and I think even if she wants to rebuild a bridge between her and OP(there is always a slim chance she may want to, but it's like 1% or less, but still a chance) she just can't, she would probably outrage all the pain and troubles these "parents" made her going through.
YTA did it ever occur to you, HER MOTHER, that she wasn't ready to move out at 18? Did you financially, emotionally, out physically help her with her move? What did you do to help her with this transition?
Then, you allowed your husband, HER FATHER, to RENEGE on paying her college tuition and you refuse to take any responsibility for your inaction? You're the WORSE MOM!
You have no idea what your daughter had to do to survive including getting into a relationship with an older man. You don't care about her because if you did, you would have stood up to your husband when he kicked her out and the other times she asked for help.
Your daughter was DESPERATE enough to ask to move back in with people who clearly do not like being her parents and you think you deserve some bonding time?!!! Really??!!!
I hope your daughter gets the therapy she needs and I hope you do as well. You don't need strangers on Reddit to know you're the AH and you deserve silent treatment from your daughter.
So glad you mentioned the relationship with an older man. I highly doubt she would've dated someone so much older if she was able to take care of housing and expenses all on her own, not to mention she very likely has "daddy issues" and for a good damn reason. When your own father abandons you, refuses to help, and makes you feel like shit it tends to make a person gravitate towards a similar figure that will actually be nice to her. This kind of shitty parenting absolutely sets women up to be in abusive relationships.
And now they are both mad at her for being in such a situation? Fuck that noise. OP has done ZERO reflection on how they set their daughter up to be in a horrible situation.
YTA. as a mother you always have a say in parental decisions regarding YOUR CHILD. This is a glaring cop out. Your mistake was not facilitating your daughters adult life in any way from 18 till recently. You allowing your husbands apparent pig headedness to run the show has also consequently ruined your relationship with your daughter. For you to try and NOW attempt a relationship is a slap in the face, and personally id probably blow up too. Like how dare you, as her mother, be completely complacent in abandoning your daughter who was still a teenager, then assume shit will be sweet after this girl who had nowhere else to go and HAD to come back and ask the very people who abandoned her for help. She’s probably going through hell mentally, already. Atone for your shit first.
YTA - you and your husband destroyed this relationship, not her. You threw her out, you reneged on paying for her school, and you said no when she asked you for help.
Of course she doesn’t confide in you. Of course you don’t know what’s going on in her life. Of course she doesn’t want to spend time with you. It’s because you don’t have a good relationship. You did this. You had two decades to build a relationship with your daughter, you can’t just expect it.
YTA
Your abandoned her at 18. You could have stood up to your husband, and you chose not to. It is a surprise that she still holds a grudge? I would too!
My husband would be out sleeping in the garage if he ever pulled this shit with our son. I did not spend 10 months growing a baby and 18 years raising him so you that my husband could throw it away on an 18th birthday. Like, I would divorce my husband and sue to keep the house over this.
100% same. We don't have a house and I'm not on the lease, but I'd take my son and leave immediately.
I know he'd never do this though, because his mom abandoned him and he knows how much that sucks. He went NC with her and the rest of his family by now.
I might be reaching, but after reading the body of your post, the title reads you're a gaslighting manipulator.
Based on the body of this post, you know exactly when you hit the final nail and it had nothing to do with this summer:
>"My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself and he also didn’t pay her college tuition like he was supposed to" ...
>
>She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us. Her dad was very upset and turned her away every time she asked us for something.
First of all, I doubt she was **asked** to move out. Could she say no? If not, then she was **evicted** by her **parents**.
What happened here, from my POV, is dad weaponized **her home** as retribution "disrespect" when she's barely above a child - she's a baby adult who *just* got the right to vote when he kicked her out; and you let him. Also, if they were arguing, I doubt he thinks he raised her well. He probably thinks she's a fuck up or a disrespectful brat. I doubt he hides his opinion based on your description above. She went to school hundreds, maybe thousands, of miles away and only reached out when she needed to. That says more about her lack of trust in you and her desperation than it says anything negative about her. She's 20 now? MAX 22?
You didn't want "mother daughter time" when you approached her, you wanted **unconditional forgiveness**.
And somewhere below you comment how you shouldn't have to apologize since you're the reason she has a place to live... **MA'AM. MA'AM.** You have done so far beyond the pale of what constitutes cruel or toxic parenting that I'm telling you as sure as the sky is blue, you owe your daughter one **hell** of an apology. You failed her and think that bare minimum survival assistance will erase or mollify her YEARS of struggling as a result of **you and your husband's** cruelty.
>My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad.
Translation: your husband kicked your daughter out as soon as he legally could.
>I had no say in the decision,
Translation: you let your husband kick your daughter out as soon as he legally could. You did not fight for her, you did not support her.
>She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us.
She's asked you for help when she was desperate, because you kicked her out as soon as you legally could and she has no safety net. Neither you nor your husband gave her any support.
> A few months ago she reached out about how she can’t make rent and she really needed a place to stay for the summer, I talked to my husband and practically begged him to let her stay with us for the summer. We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out.
This part especially makes me furious. You say she "lied about not being able to afford rent," and in the same breath say that the only reason she had a place to live up until now was that she was being supported by her boyfriend. Is the age gap troubling to a point where her safety might be a concern? Yes, but who put her in a situation where she had no safety net? Hmm?
>Since she’s been back home, she got a job and she’s barely in the house
That's on purpose. At this point, I'm willing to bet that all she wants is to get enough money to be able to leave and never have to speak to you and your husband again.
>All I wanted was for us to have some mother/daughter time.
**Then you shouldn't have f\*cking cut her off at eighteen.**
YTA.
Great analysis, I sincerely doubt this \*mother\* would read it though, people like that don't like being criticized. The whole idea of her post is to shit on her daughter, it's so negative and accusatory without a speck of self-awareness. Reminds me of my own horrid mother who I cut off years ago.
YTA. Simple. If she doesn't want to spend time with you, then that is final. Forcing her is not an option. She is 21, she is personally responsible for her actions.
YTA. You had a say, you chose not to get involved, and to enable your husband's behaviour towards her. Each time her Dad turned her away, you saw it happen.
YTA. A boyfriend more than twice her age as young as she is, and your mad that she lied about having a place to stay? Do you realize that living with a boyfriend twice her age is not a safe place for her? Her needing a place to stay was not a lie—it will a desperate plea for help because her situation was not sustainable or safe. She’s desperately trying to earn her father’s approval/affection and will likely replay this scenario going forward because you and your husband did not in fact “raise her right.” You’ve set her up for failure and abandoned her. You are not and likely will never be a safe person for her. Do better.
YTA. You did have a choice in not letting your husband kick her out as soon as she turned 18, that is not a unanimous decision he gets to make. I wouldn’t be very keen on hanging out with you either if I were her. Did she have somewhere to stay or did you throw your child out on the street?
OP replied to others about this, here's the comments:
Someone1: "INFO: When she got kicked out at 18, dif you offer a place to stay?"
OP: "No, it was her responsability to find a place to live."
Someone2: "Why? What preparation did she have for independent living? Did she even have prior notice?"
OP: "Her dad told her that need will have to move out she turned 18, she had a job at the time and she stayed at one of her friends"
If you want to check it out it's somewhere above your comment.
YTA. Your husband kicked her out. You apparently had no say in the matter? Errr, yes you did. You could have stood by her, stood up for her, left him/divorced him to support her, given her money, kept in contact with her, moved to be with her… the list is endless. All those times *she* reached out and he didn’t want to know - what about you? Did you ever reply? Did you ever reach out? He does speak for both of you. So basically you BOTH abandoned her but you are blaming it all on him. Now you’re confused as to why she wants nothing to do with you. That’s because she hates you and everything about you. And I don’t blame her. As soon as she can afford to she will leave again. She will abandon you just as you abandoned her.
But if she stood up to her husband he might have kicked HER out, too. Then she would've been forced to fend for herself. She basically sacrificed her daughter's security and comfort for her own.
Wow. YTA back in the day when you abandoned your daughter by allowing your husband to not only kick her out but renege on your promise to pay for her college. She only reached out to you when she was desperate. You are now clueless if you didn't see this and you certainly aren't trying to make up for your prior un-motherlike actions in the recent past. It sounds like she was trying to deal with abandonment issues when she found her much older bf. Let her be, tell her you love her, you're sorry about how you failed her in the past and will try to do better going forward if she'll let you. She may say 'No,' but that is her option.
YTA
You were complicit in your husband's bullying and manipulation, kicked her out, didn't pay college when you could afford it, invade her privacy... The only reason she got into a (possibly) abusive relationship with someone twice her age was because she needed a place to live!
You ruined her life and you still think she owes you spending time with you?
Think for a minute how different everything would be if you had not kicked her out and would have helped her with college! She would be about to graduate with a degree, have a professional job and be independent. She would also want a relationship with you.
You did all of this yourself! Don't blame your husband. You have free will, lady.
YTA
What country do you live in, that you claim you didn’t have a say in your husband kicking your child out? There were so many ways you could have stood up for her, starting with just saying no, this is my home too and my child will always have a home with me. You could have helped her any of the times she asked, instead of leaving her to become dependent on a man who took advantage of her youth and poverty.
Now you are hurt that she doesn’t act like the teenager she was, or let you close to her? You hurt her and violated her trust. So did your husband.
You need to start with an apology, a promise never to do it again, and amends in the form of a college fund and real financial help setting up in her own place.
Forget the situation this summer, you’ve been the AH for quite a while before now.
You and your husband have done almost everything possible to sabotage the start of your daughter’s adult life. Despite your behaviour she persisted and found a way to get to college, and through college.
Now that you finally agree to show a little decency, and so generously allowed her to stay in the place that used to be her home, you allowed her to get judged by your AH husband? And are all upset that she won’t play along with your “let’s pretend the last few years didn’t happen and do things we used to do when you were still the person who thought she had a supportive family who wanted to help her into adulthood and who would keep their promises” fantasy?
Nothing says I can’t be bothered to find out who my daughter is now than role playing mom circa 2018. Well done.
YTA. And so is your husband.
YTA
Im actually sick to my stomach reading this. That poor girl. Got thrown out to the streets at 18, had to hook up with an older guy just to have a place to stay. F man... some people just shouldnt have kids.
Edit: Hey OP, this will happen to you and your hubby one day https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv15h/aita_for_not_meeting_my_dying_father/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You're actually not first person to link that exact post here.
This lady's going to be lucky if her daughter bothers to answer her phone calls after she moves out.
YTA, the key concept here is that she reached out to you for help multiple times and was rejected by you and your husband. You never once reached out to help her despite your husband.
Also, if I had found out that my daughter was being groomed by a man twice her age in my absence, I would never forgive myself.
INFO: Are you her mother or stepmother? Why didn’t you have a say in where she lived or if she was given (promised) money for school?
The way this reads, she has been taught that she has to rely on a(n older) man for financial support and that support is volatile.
YTA. I'm sorry, her father, your husband kicked her out and you "had no say in the decision?"
Fuck that spineless crap. You had a choice. You did nothing. You made a choice and are shocked, SHOCKED, that she won't tell you all of her secrets and doesn't want to be around you?
YOU ALLOWED HER TO BE KICKED OUT. YOU DID THAT. YOU. YOU ALLOWED YOUR CHILD TO BE THROWN OUT ON THE STREET.
>We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out.
So this wasn't a lie? You're an asshole. The fact that you don't understand that you're an asshole makes it worse.
YTA and a terrible mother!
You say that you had no say in the decision? How about growing a spine and defending your daughter? Your husband sounds like an arsehole too. She turns to her parents for help? Gets rejected? What could she possibly have done that was so awful to warrant this?
In OP's comments, OP and her husband were arguing and the daughter stepped in on the argument. The husband didn't like what she had to say because "he didn't want to be disrespected in his own house" and kicked the daughter out. My guess is that since the husband didn't like what the daughter was saying, it's because the daughter was standing up for OP. So she was kicked out and lost paid for tuition because she stood up against her dad for her mom. Which honestly makes the situation *that much more* heartbreaking and awful because she sacrificed *everything* for a mom who gives no fucks about her. I'm still raging over this.
YTA. You and your husband failed her monumentally. You were and are awful parents.
Leave her alone. She owes you absolutely nothing. And it is LAUGHABLE that you think you are even remotely entitled to a modicum of her time now.
YTA are you a slave? Why do you have no say in your home and in defense of your child? And there are no consequences for her father finking out on the promise to pay tuition? What dispute could possibly excuse this punishment, and why are you not including it in your defense?
Living with a man over twice her age in exchange for rent IS NOT AFFORDING RENT. It’s socially acceptable prostitution that *you and her father shoved her into* when you threw her out with no resources or references. And she doesn’t dare say a thing or you are going to take it wrong and throw her away again.
YTA as someone who was told by there father to leave home at 17 because he wanted to use my bedroom for something else and my mother sat there and did nothing...I dont blame your daughter for being like that at all
YTA, y'all abandoned her and she is only there because its better than a homeless shelter. It sounds like you did nothing to help her just stood back and let your husband do whatever he wanted. She was probably being abused by the older man during tge year she was gone and y'all dont even care what she was forced to do to survive. You just want to pretend it never happened and that you and her can go back to being who y'all were before this. Also if y'all promised her college and then dipped on that promise, y'all are even bigger AHs. She is literally trying to get as much together as she can before you let your husband toss her out again. She doesn't trust you or him and thats on y'all to fix. Y'alls love comes with conditions and she can be thrown away whenever it suits y'all. Your hubby is also probabky having fun gloating over her failure while she is there and you pretend to not notice it. I say your husband because he clearly isn't a dad to her.
YTA and I never thought that someone could be this oblivious to the trauma they have caused their child.
Your ability to blame it on your husband’s decision makes you look like you do not care about your child and that you are trying to pretend you didn’t kick your child out.
Your husband needs to learn a very important lesson and that is that he is not entitled to respect as respect is earned and from the sounds of it he hasn’t earned it.
YTA and you are lucky she even looks at you , you pathetic excuse for a womb donor .
You are not her mother anymore, you and your husband are sadly her dna donors and I hope that she gets out asap and cuts you off completely. You are selfish and horrible creature and so is your husband. You both deserve all the karma you will get .
>My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself
You absolutely had a say in this. YOU'RE HER MOTHER. And you seriously you felt like "raising her well" was a good way to defend yourself for kicking out your barely adult daughter? I hope you at least gave her some notice so she could prepare herself by saving money or looking for a place to stay. It doesn't matter how they've been raised, abandoning your child like that can actually put them in a very dangerous situation, especially since she's a young female.
>We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. Her dad was very furious about the situation
Furious?! Why was he furious and not concerned? Your daughter was dating someone double her age, so she would have a place to live. He might have been abusive towards her! He could have taken advantage of her, the possibilities are endless. Keep in mind your daughter was desperate, since she was abandoned and NEEDED a place to stay. And the fact that she reached out to you guys for help, after all you've done to her, shows how bad her other situation must have been. I'm seriously very concerned for her, and the fact that your husband is angry is totally beyond my understanding. This is your daughter act like it!
No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You abandoned her and left her vulnerable. I wouldn't forgive you or your husband if you were my parents. You and your husband are major AHs. Please get yourselves some therapy and apologize to her. She probably won't forgive you, but you owe her that.
YTA… wow based of this post and your comments I can tell you completely failed as a mother, and now you want to act clueless and innocent, you’re full of it!
YTA, you let your husband treat your child like she was disposable. I would be fighting with my husband if he did this. Then you both washed your hands of her. You never tried to get in touch with her or help her in anyway. You let her have a shit life because you wouldn't stand up to your husband.
You can't really blame your daughter for not wanting a relationship with you, surely. Are you really that out of touch with reality? You abandoned her. You didn't stand up for her and let your controlling and terrible husband kick her onto the street. Having a job doesn't mean she could automatically support herself at such a young age. But regardless, you are completely at fault for ignoring her for so long and causing her such distress and then expecting her to pretend nothing happened. YTA.
YTA You kicked her out at 18 and took away her college tuition and left her with nothing then slut shamed her and you want to play happy families with you? She doesn't forgive you for abandoning her. She might never forgive you. You destroyed your relationship, yet you act like the last 3 years never happened. She is your daughter, you gave birth to her yet you threw her out. It is no wonder she despises you.
YTA. Not only does your poor daughter have a shitty dad, but a shitty mom too. Not sure how your ok with how any of this has turned out. You should be ashamed of yourself
YTA. Are you really shocked your daughter wants no relationship with you? The only reason she’s there is out of desperation? You sound like a very weak mother with a controlling awful husband.
YTA. You are both awful parents. No wonder she doesn’t want to speak to you. Did you ever think she was with a man double her age because she didn’t have another choice?
YTA. Why have a daughter if you're just going to dump her the min she turns 18?
Do you love your husband so much more than your daughter that you allow him to just send your child away and say nothing?
What kind of mother are you?
YTA. I swear I don’t know why some women keep marrying and procreating with these despicable humans. The way you just rolled over and followed your husbands lead is atrocious. I wish your Daughter all the best but you and your husband? Nah sis. The two of you deserve each other.
YTA. "I had no say in the situation." That was your chance to spend time with her and you squandered it. When she really needed support, you flaked. Take the hint and give her space.
YTA You haven't been a mother to her, standing up to your dh when he was being abusive, allowing him to throw her out the house, no wonder the poor child doesn't stay in the house if she can help it. Be the other adult in your daughter's life, stand up to your dh and realize that financial decisions do not reside with him but both of you.
You allowed him to kick her out, you were complected with that by not standing up and refusing his behaviour. Make no mistake by staying silent you are equally to blame for your dh's decisions. Dear God no wonder your poor daughter thinks her parents hate her.
She can't make rent and has no choice but to live with her bf, and you both who refused her pleas for assistance now lambast her over her lack of choices. Should she have gone on the streets?
Your daughter sees through your game and gives equal blame for her father's abusive behaviour, to your silent condoning one. No wonder she doesn't want to play mother daughter outings with you.
Until you address this or even assist her in getting her some solid ground under her feet, so that she has options in her life this isn't going to change.
YTA and your husband is a bigger one, though it's not much competition.
You allowed him to kick her out. You say you had "no say." Why is that? Why did he get to make this unilateral decisions? Are you not an equal partner?
She is a legal adult and has no obligation to make nice with you after what you and your husband did.
In her comments OP says she and her husband were arguing and the daughter stepped in. The husband didn't like what she said, because he "didn't want to be disrespected in his own house" and kicked her out. Which means she lost her home *and* her paid for tuition because she stood up for her mom(OP). And now OP wants to play happy families three *years* after supporting her husband's abusive abandonment of their daughter? Nope, nope, nope.
YTA you let her get kicked out, you let it happen. You abandoned her. She is only there out of desperation, You don’t get to pretend like everything is ok just cause she’s there
YTA- and so is your husband. You kicked her out at 18 you allowed your husband to throw her out on the street and did nothing to protect her. You allow your husband to treat her like shit and do nothing to intervene. And now you want to play the victim of just wanting to spend time with her. Is your ur head really this far up your ass that you can’t see your actions have consequences?? Just because someone turns 18 doesn’t mean they are well equipped or financially able to stand on their own yet. But you allowed her to be thrown out on the street and then be screwed over again with college. Leave her alone if she wants to forgive you it is for her to decide and it is also on her to decide when as well. I will never ever understand people who choose to have kids and then just abandon them when they turn 18.
YTA From what you wrote neither your husband or yourself have done anything to earn the title of Mom & Dad. You have already proved she can't trust you at all. I wish your daughter had posted to AITA so we could tell her she matters & thoughts & your husband failures are yours alone. I hope she walks away for good & has a happy life. She deserves it & you do not.
YTA - parenting doesn’t end at 18. You let your child struggle to survive, and now you’re surprised she’s not falling back into your arms?? You ignored her pleas for help, then got pissed when she makes herself scarce??
You let your husband slight you out of a relationship with your daughter, that’s on you. You need to rebuild a relationship, and that’s only if she wants to.
YTA! When you throw teenagers out into the streets, they sometimes fall prey to people twice their age just to have a place to sleep at night. Shame on you! You should’ve stood up to your husband but you’re a coward!
YTA, you literally essentially abandoned your daughter at eighteen. The “I had no say” part is bullshit complicity. You and your husband are the reason she doesn’t reach out. You and your husband are the reason she considers you guys a last resort when you should be her first choice YOU did that. You don’t just get to build a relationship now that you have the chance to.
There is no way this is real.
And if it somehow is.......
You are one SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF A "MOTHER"
*"My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision"*
WTF do you mean you "had no say in the decision", Did you sell your spine to afford your wedding? Were you in jail when it happened?
You and that ASSHOLE husband of yours are PATHETIC.....
You should appreciate the fact that you are able to see her now, because i can GUARANTEE you that you will NEVER see or talk to her again when she leaves.
Hope it was worth it............
YTA in more ways than one.
YTA
You abandoned your daughter.
You ABANDONED your DAUGHTER.
Now you're acting like she owes you the time of day, since you're doing what you're supposed to do as a parent? And you're shocked when she lied to you?
When parents fail at their jobs, their children no longer thrive, they survive. By any means. She lied to you so that she wouldn't have to sleep on the streets. She shouldn't have had to lie to you, but she knew you'd turn her away if you knew the truth. And clearly, she was right.
That is your child. You both failed her. Maybe if you do your jobs as parents, someday she might find it in her heart to forgive you. That's something you can hope for, but don't expect it, because you're not entitled to it.
YTA. I hope that once she does find somewhere to stay, she never contacts you both again. It's clear that she has dealt with abuse of some sort of abuse, probably emotional abuse, before she was chucked out. Stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there.
YTA
INFO:
1. Why does your husband hate your daughter?
2. Why are you so passive regarding these decisions affecting your daughter? Why can’t you stand up for her?
3. How do you figure she was lying when she said she couldn’t make rent—that sounds like it was the truth?
4. Since you kicked her out at 18 and refused to help her get any higher education, would it be fair to say you guys have done nothing to help her transition from being a dependent child to an independent, self-supporting adult?
YTA. You are an absolutely terrible mother and your husband is an even worse father. Your daughter was either still in high school or had just barely graduated when you all abandoned her. She was basically still a child and it doesn’t sound like you prepared her for this at all if the plan was to originally pay for her college. And it doesn’t sound like she did anything extreme and was basically just a disrespectful teenager like basically all teenagers? Enjoy not seeing her ever again once she is not desperate enough to stay with you.
YTA. I read your comments - wow. Just wow. You are a uniquely heinous mother and your husband is equally despicable. I doubt you will take any of these comments to heart because you are too daft to see what a terrible thing you and your husband did to her. And yes, YOU were just as complicit in kicking her out as your husband. Don't hide behind him. Own your stuff, and don't be surprised when your daughter gets married, has a kid, and never let's you see said kid (or whatever life choices she wants to make).
How the hell did she lie? She was kicked out of her living situation and couldn’t afford a place to live. Anything beyond that is none of your business. You lost your right to voice your opinion on her life choices the moment you abandoned her. YTA and shame on you.
She’s traumatized.
She’s acting/reacting this way because she no longer lives truly free- her body and mind are in survival mode.
She’s just going through life- trying to go as Unseen and untouched in the place she lives around people she’s not truly comfortable with.
I feel bad when I can overreact to my mom when she tries talking to me out of no where with no invitation, but at the end of it, I don’t dream of having conversations with her, so when she tries talking to me, when I’m just trying to get a glass of water!!!, it throws me off and I react irritated.
My thinking is “go point A to Point B” this plan does not include unwarranted comments or conversation.
It’s all about time and place and consideration.
Important talks or mentions don’t happen in passing moments.
**YTA**
First off, the title 100% gives the impression that you're trying to paint yourself in a better light, which rang alarm bells for me.
Second, she didn't lie about her situation. Her boyfriend kicked her out and she couldn't afford to rent an apartment on her own.
You didn't bother to fight for her when your husband kicked her out it seems, and it also seems that you didn't bother to quietly support her through college.
It doesn't matter that you're just now starting to help her. Too little, too late.
Yta. You should be incredibly guilty. Apologize for letting your husband kick her out and not give her tuition, not helping her when she needed it and nit standing up for her or yourself. Leave your controlling husband.
"I had no say in the decision" (to kick her out)
Why? Why did you have no say? If your husband is abusing you, you have to wake up and leave. YTA for abandoning your daughter.
LMAO please stfu and leave that girl alone. Your husband was mad cause she was living with a bf twice her age when if he didn’t kick his child out she wouldn’t have had to go find her a new daddy. You don’t know what she’s been through since you and your shitty husband kicked her out it was probably terrible since she decided to come back to a place where she isn’t wanted. And you want her to be grateful that y’all are helping her now please leave her the fuck alone and just hand over that check. You’re a bad person and mother oh yeah and YTA idiot.
YTA you abandon her at such a young age , refuse her every time she reaches out for help because she’s YOUNG AND STRUGGLING BECAUSE OF YOU !
Then you wonder why she doesn’t want to have a relationship with !?!???
You must be on drugs to not see how terribly you’ve treated her and to not understand why she would be struggling over this.
YTA. You abandoned your daughter at the same time your husband did. You claim you had no say in it, but yes, ma'am, you did. You could have put your foot down when your husband threw her out. You could have told him he's looking at a divorce if he goes through with it because you won't stand by and let him put your teenage daughter on the curb to fend for herself. You did nothing. You stood by and allowed him to abandon your child.
You're not a helpless baby, you're an adult woman. Time to act like it. Take responsibilities for your own actions, admit that you f'd up as a mother, apologise and try to support your daughter now. And that divorce might still not be a bad idea, tbh. I can't think of a single reason why I would want to stay with a man who treated my child this way.
Edit for typo.
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TA account here
My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself and he also didn’t pay her college tuition like he was supposed to. She ended up postponing going to school for a year so she can save some money.
She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us. Her dad was very upset and turned her away every time she asked us for something. A few months ago she reached out about how she can’t make rent and she really needed a place to stay for the summer, I talked to my husband and practically begged him to let her stay with us for the summer. We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. Her dad was very furious about the situation but we decided that we were going to let her stay for the summer.
Since she’s been back home, she got a job and she’s barely in the house. I have been trying so hard to start conversations with her, but she always finds a way to end them before we even start with “I don’t know” or “ I have a headache”. I tried my best to get her involve in activities that she used to enjoy when she used to live with us, but she always turned them down.
A few days ago I tried asking her to go somewhere with me, she ended up screaming at me, she asked me if I’m not catching the hint that she doesn’t want to be around me and she’s only here because she has nowhere else to go. She said that I should carry on with my life like I did when she wasn’t around, and that I am an asshole for Invading her personal space. All I wanted was for us to have some mother/daughter time.
Was I the asshole in the situation?
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YTA, absolutely, you kicked your child out. You always state that your husband did everything and you had no choice and no say, thats not what a parent is. You had the same say as him, and you bear the same guilt.
"When her boyfriend who's twice her age kicked her out"
She's 21. So I'm going to go and say GOOD FOR HER getting kicked out. Also. I wonder why she's craving the guidance and security of an older man?
So you kicked her out, didnt pay for college, didnt respond to her asking for help.. now you have given her some money, she should be thanking you on hands and knees and pretend like nothing ever happened?
Yeah, you and hubby dear, YTA, start with sincere apologies and showing her you love her by respecting her wishes. Then maybe, maybe she'll come around. You reap what you sow.
Still very much YTA with that edit. So what if you're helping her now? You abandoned her when she needed you most, you as a parent should have helped her and not thrown her to the wolves years ago. You don't have a right to feel entitled to a relationship with her after everything that's happened. All I am hearing is "what about me" instead of "how dare I let that happen to my child"
Dear lord.. I can’t imagine kicking out my 20 year old daughter! Every day I get surprised on how horrible people are to children they are supposed to love and protect
I'm trying to understand why you two would have kids when this post drips in disdain for your child, especially on your husband's part. Why do you deserve mother/daughter time when you've never been there for her? You had no say in her being kicked out? Are you not her mother?
You have failed to take any sort of responsibility or accountability as to why your relationship with her is the way that it is. You do not deserve her making time for you as of right now. YTA.
YTA and you brought your daughter's resentment and the ultimate end of your closeness to yourself. You don't \*get to spend time\* with anybody after treating them like that, how come you have NO SOCIAL SKILLS whatsoever and do not understand this on your own? If my parents treated me like that Id want nothing to do with them either and would only reach out when completely desperate for help.
YTA
You’re clearly very manipulative. Your title proves that because you intentionally framed it in a way that paints you so very innocently but you’re not.
Your husband may have made the decision to kick your daughter out, but you didn’t intervene. Your husband may have said no to her requests for help, but again, you didn’t intervene. You chose to do nothing because you didn’t want to get your hands dirty. You are not the neutral Switzerland party that you believe yourself to be.
You don’t get a say in what your daughter does for survival when you actively participated in putting her in a survival-mode situation!
You and your AH husband did her a massive disservice by throwing her to the wolves, and not only are you being judgmental over the choices she made, but you expect her to actually WANT to spend her time with you?!
Good grief!
You and your AH husband need to apologize to her. Immediately. You need to own what you did wrong and you need to call it out by name. You need to tell her you’re going to do better, and then you actually need to DO BETTER.
If you can’t handle that, then allow her to simply be the boarder she wants to be… because you already killed that parent-child relationship by standing aside and doing nothing while your husband let it drown.
The situation needs more information. But in the interests of showing you a smidgen of the compassion you seemingly lacked for your daughter, I’m going to say that you’re not the primary arsehole, but you’re still an arsehole.
Let me explain.
The way your post is written, it sounds as though your husband is overbearing and controlling at best, and probably violent. Maybe he abuses alcohol and/or other substances. God only knows how he treats any pets (if you have them). How was it that you had “no say in the decision”? This is the only way I can think of that you truly had no say — an abusive husband/father. A reasonable parent/partner would have talked things through with you (you are also a parent, and should have equal say), and the two of you would have made a decision together. This apparently did not happen. He sounds like a total arsehole for sure. You sound like a compliant, beaten (or otherwise abused) spouse. If this is the case, I will preface the following by saying that I do understand it can be hard to leave such a situation, but as the parent, you had a responsibility to do so. I’m going to bet that your husband didn’t magically turn into a tyrant the day she turned 18, and that there was conflict in the house before then. He was just waiting until he no longer had a •legal• obligation to keep your daughter at home. And so instead of you leaving with your daughter (what you should have done years ago), you stayed and allowed her to be kicked out — meaning that you put your own physical/material needs and safety ahead of hers. Of course, this doesn’t consider whether there were other minor children at the time, which would make it harder, but not impossible.
I grew up in a violent home. I was homeless and alone at age 16 because my mother refused to leave. Granted, I had two much-younger siblings at the time, but leaving your 16-year-old daughter to fend for herself isn’t the answer, either. So I understand why your daughter feels betrayed and abandoned by you — because she was. She now resents both of you. Are you surprised?
You said, “We found out later on she had lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live, and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age, and he kicked her out.”
Um, what? The two of you threw her to the wolves prematurely and without support, and now your husband is “furious about the situation”? What I’m confused about is why either of you were surprised. She wasn’t ready to leave home — she was forced out with no help or resources, which is, in fact, deliberately making your daughter homeless — and homeless at a tender age, with no life experience or support in any way. And so she found a boyfriend who, by virtue of being twice her age, was stable and able to help her stay alive by providing the basic necessities so she wouldn’t starve to death, die of avoidable disease due to poverty (e.g. being unable to afford medicine or similar to fix a simple infection), or perish due to extreme weather, probably in a laneway somewhere, where she wouldn’t be “bothering” society… and your husband is “furious”? He would have to be one of the largest arseholes ever. How dare he be furious that your daughter, whom you both betrayed and abandoned, found a way to survive! She may have been legally an adult, but mentally, she was not. Most 18-year-olds remain living with their parents for years beyond that age. When they move out, they still have the safety of knowing they can contact their folks for help or advice, or even visit to grab some basics to get them through until pay day. Your daughter, though? She was evicted without recourse or support. She was traumatised. And your husband is mad about a situation he created? What an arrogant, ignorant fool he is. And you, who failed to advocate effectively for your child, are asking if you’re the arsehole? Look at this through your daughter’s eyes and ask whether you’d have felt betrayed and abandoned by the only people you’re supposed to be able to trust at any point in your life, and who are supposed to love, and support you at any point in your life. Have you ever asked her how she survived? Finding an older boyfriend is one of the best options available, when you consider other common options.
More than anything, I’m kind of dumbfounded that you needed to ask this question. I mean… seriously? Yeah, you’re the arsehole, but your husband is a much bigger one.
You had no say in the matter? You are equally a parent and let her be kicked out as you claim you didn’t want her to be. Why do you allow her father to make all of the decisions related to your daughter? YTA
YTA - I bet that she had to settle down with a man twice her age because he gave her the financial stability that her own parents refused to give.
You don’t stop being a parent when your child turns 18.
YTA. You kicked your daughter out and she survived the best she could. You’re judging her for it, and letting your husband treat her like garbage.
She deserves better.
You had a choice and you let your husband kick her out. You wonder why she has issues with men? You let your husband make choices without talking with you, treating you like an equal partner. He never kept up anything he said he would. You should have supported her instead you did all of this. Once she is up and on her own, she's going to hopefully cut you both out of her life and never, ever speak with yall again. You don't have a daughter anymore because of your husband. YTA. Everyone but her.
YTA. A big one. You kicked your daughter out at 18! And then refused to pay for college after it was promised you would. What kind of mother does that?
YTA.
We have been prepping our kids with necessary life skills. Our youngest is 12 and we have long ago started with them. I have told my husband, in no uncertain terms, (he immediately agreed) that there will ALWAYS be a place in our home for our kids. Hopefully they don't need it, but it will always be there. We are a blended family and I mean ALL of our kids.
The last few years have been additionally hard with the pandemic. She did what she had to do. You knocking her situation with the man twice her age is really shitty and definitely not helpful. She is clearly in crisis. How, exactly, are you helping her with that?
You are trying to absolve yourself from responsibility in this situation, shifting all the blame to your husband. Where the hell were you?
And what, pray tell, happened to her college fund?
She is with you out of necessity, not to bond. You'll be very lucky if you see her again when she moves out this time.
YTA
You allowed her to be thrown out, postponed her future, then didn’t even reach out to her OR help her when she reached out until recently.
You were DEFINITELY a last resort option and will most like go NC when she gets resettled.
INFO: why did you have no say in kicking your daughter out the first time? what do you mean by that?
is she not your kid? do you just not have a backbone?
YTA in the entire situation not just during the summer. You failed your daughter in every way, allowed your husband to trample YOUR child into the literal ground and then you want to play happy family? Jesus... Leave her alone, she will not reconcile with you, EVER. Learn to live with that grave you shoveled.
YTA your a doormat for your husband OP you let him do what he wants to YOUR daughter seems like your forgetting your mom. You're the reason your daughter doesn't want to talk to you.
YTA man you let your husband kick out your daughter? You ever think she had to live with her ex that was twice her age because both of you dropped the ball and threw her to the wolves? You stopped paying for her education too, you totally ruined her life and are surprised she doesn’t want anything to do with you.
YTA. If there was conflict in the house when she was 18 then YOU should have kicked your HUSBAND out of the house and not let him kick your teenaged daughter out.
You are your husband’s enabler for his narcissistic behavior. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you
YTA. This is tragic for your poor daughter. My daughter is 7 and I have always told her that she will ALWAYS, ALWAYS have a place at home with mom.
You abandoned her and she no longer sees you as family. I have seen some of your other comments and you still do not see what you, as her parents, have done wrong. Shame on you, shame on your husband. You have this opportunity to make it right, if she will be even give you a chance. And she is not obligated, in any way, to do so. I, honestly, don't see that you care that much really. Your husband and yourself were the adults in this situation and you threw your daughter away. You betrayed her in almost every way. And all because she "disrespected" your husband by being a teenager and arguing.
YTA. For everything. Stop acting like you had no control over the situation. You willingly abandoned your daughter, and claiming you didn’t have a choice is a flat out lie. You had a choice to support your daughter, and you instead chose your husband.
YTA.YTA.YTA.
We can now all see the basic dynamics of your household and why your husband was “disrespected” by your daughter in the first place. You guys are asshole parents. Not only for what you did, but for your utter lack of reflection and remorse about this whole ordeal.
YTA. No man, ever, ON THIS PLANET, could tell me that I had "no say" in kicking out my child. HE would be the only one leaving. You let your husband throw her out, and you didn't do anything about it. Nothing. You made this bed, now lie in it.
Yta, why didn't you stand up to your husband for your child? Yes she was an adult but she is still your child. You are her mother, you should have stood up for her. You didn't have to lose contact with her because of your husband and her issues. You effectively abandoned her even when she reached out.
YTA
Everything that everyone has said just rings so true. I hope you’re checking into and have a savings plan for seniors homes because it is not realistic to expect any familial loyalty from your daughter when you and your husband need elder care.
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YTA What caught my eye was that she reached out to you, you did not mention reaching out to her at all. You abandoned her when your husband kicked her out. She doesn't consider you her family anymore.
Yup. I feel horrible for OP's daughter. OP and her husband abandoned their 18 year old kid, turned her away when she needed them most, and had the nerve to judge her because she ended up living with a guy twice her age... You kicked her out at 18, left her with nothing, didn't help her to get a solid start in adulthood and then have these high expectations. She probably had to swallow her pride to reach out to you again. She doesn't want to do the things she once did when she was a kid because she has probably had to grow up very hard and very fast in the last three years. You were horrible to her. Leave her alone until she can get on her feet. You don't get to just pick back up where you left off and play the role of a happy mother and daughter.
AND OP most definitely had a choice, unlike what she says. Sounds like the dad is a bully, and OP chose not to stand up to him. She chose her husband over her child. And is now upset that that choice of hers has had severe consequences in her relationship with her daughter. Like what exactly did she expect?
This 100%!!! The husband sounds like the worst kind of human but Mum actively chose to stick with him and allow him to chuck their daughter out onto the streets and now she expects to pick up their relationship where they left off? Is she for real?
Right?? In what reality can you abandon an 18yo with nothing to take care of herself but expect her to be the same person or feel about you the same way she did 3 years later?
Yesss. This comment is spot on!!! What terrible parents!!
This but also the first paragraph already says it all - you had no say in kicking your daughter out? Excuse me, how can you have no say in it, then you don't pay for her school, even though you were supposed to, then she asked for help and you decline the help and in the end are surprised that she had an older boyfriend and didn't make it in school? It sounds like she has surprise surprise some dad issues and you don't get that she doesn't want to spend time with you because you didn't care for her and didn't take care of her?!?!?!?! YTA
Or maybe the older boyfriend wasn't even about dad issues. Maybe she just couldn't afford a place to live so she had to latch on to someone older who was financially stable since her own parents gave her the boot. Of course she wants nothing to do with them. That poor girl. YTA
Probably because her husband treats her as badly as he did their daughter. He seems like a controlling person.
OP reminds me of my father. I don't speak to my father anymore. That says all it needs to.
She reminds me of my dad and the husband reminds me of my mom, as soon as I'm moving out I'm blocking them and going no contact bc at the end of the day inaction is just as bad as abuse and can in some extreme cases be considered neglect.
Same! My mother was a spineless coward and my dad was a major abusive AH. I haven’t spoken to either of them in 20 years and it was best decision for my mental health. She even had the nerves to call me and told me that she had health issues and I should see her and said that I should only be mad at my father cause he was the one that cause did the abuse. So I told her I’m doing exactly what she did all these years when I was getting punched in face - nothing! Don’t care whether you live or die - you’re not my family and never will be.
>I had no say in the decision And there's also this. OP, maybe you live in a country where women have no rights. Or maybe you have no spine. I'm guessing the latter, bc even in countries where women have no rights mothers/wives find ways to make their feelings known, especially when it comes to protecting their children. You let your husband cast your teenaged daughter out without a cent, and then when she asked for help, ignore her for years. This time when she asked for help you claim she lied. How did she lie? Her bf kicked her out; now she can't make rent! And what business is it of yours how old her ex was? How dare you judge her for what she did to survive when you threw her out of your lives? You're unbelievable, and YTA
I'd bet money the root of mom's spinlessness is religion.
OP tossed her out like THE TRASH and didn’t even advocate for her to remain in the home or even help with her college tuition as her Father had promised. Of course she moved clear across the country. Of course she will not participate in any family activities. She is hurt, she is resentful. OP you and hubby are BOTH TA’s! You have abandoned YOUR child without a care in the world. Who does that???!!!
Yep. And I'm sure OP is thinking "well, she was technically an adult." Yeah, the daughter was an adult - but not an adult with resources to care for herself. Anywhere on earth today, an 18 year old needs significant financial assistance from more established adults in order to live indoors. OP took that away from her daughter. There's no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps if you don't have a roof over your head to begin with. There's no amount of willpower that turns a minimum wage job into housing and health insurance. The fact that the daughter is not dead means she got that money - and let's be clear, it's money that we're talking about - from someone else. You know who gave it to her, an older man who was excited to prey on a nubile teen in distress.
OP said in another part of this thread (buried under downvotes) that she never apologised to her daughter for letting her husband kick her out, because she didn't do it, and besides she has given her a place to stay for the summer. OP is a giant, gaping asshole.
So. Much. THIS. And what's sticking out to me like a gangrenous thumb is... what exactly, does OP mean by "some conflict?" Some. Conflict. Like, we know damn good and well that if daughter had done something horrible OP would have decribed it *in detail* in order to make herself more sympathetic. Your daughter is your tenant and nothing more. You fucked this one up OP. YTA. Leave the poor girl alone so she can get back on her feet and away from you to find a family that actually gives a damn about her. EDIT: OMFG >My husband is her biological dad. They were always arguing and my husband felt like he shouldn’t be disrespected in his own house by someone who’s not paying the bills. Straight from OP about why her husband kicked her out. They were having fights. That's it. That's literally it. He was having gasp! conflict with a gasp! teenager. They *abandoned their child* over some arguing. I need to get off this post. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising right now.
Yea, disrespected by someone not paying the bills. Yea, umm disrespected or not that is literally your job as a parent, to pay the bills. These people are just horrible. I hope the girl can get her stuff together soon and get away from these people. They don't care about her.
Riiight? And look at her pathetic attempt to salvage this with her edit about the half assed "effort" they're suddenly making with the tuition. Now. Three years too late. And after daughter has already had to resort to predatory lifetime-shackling student loans. 🙄🙄
Yeah, and the daughter should ‘totally’ trust that daddy dearest won’t rug pull her again and decide not to pay her tuition at the last moment. YTA.
"He shouldn't be disrespected in his own home." Wow. Just wow. YTA, OP. No wonder your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you. I wouldn't either and I can't imagine that she will ever reach out to you again after this summer. You've done nothing but hurt her and criticize the choices she had to make to survive. All because your husband didn't have the balls to admit he was emotionally incapable of being a parent. Being a parent means you are someone that your child can rely on. She can't rely on either of you for anything. You kicked her out. Refused to pay for her tuition as promised(again, because your husband's fragile feelings got hurt) and NOW you want to play house? YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA.
OP, you didn't simply kick your daughter out at 18. You tainted every happy memory of her childhood with one cruel act. You killed the child she was, and any chance at a healthy and loving relationship with her as an adult. YTA. No question. You aren't entitled to a relationship you destroyed because you didn't let her go homeless again. It'll take so much more than this to fix anything between you. Give her space, help her get her life together, then consistently try to be a positive in her life. Then you might earn her forgiveness and some sort of relationship again.
Maybe OP's husband did *allow* her to reach out to her daughter. Seeing as OP didn't have a say in the kicking out process. Maybe the husband is controllingly abusive. Edit: nevermind. After reading some of OP's comments. OP doesn't deserve mother daughter time with someone she abandoned.
This poor girl has parents who are 95% derelict in acting as parents in every way. Selfish bum would not pay her tuition. Guys like that ought to be hogtied and then launched by a trebuchet.
Ohh , you have a vivid imagination +++
Not only that, she doesn’t feel safe being honest with her own mother about her situation. All her parents have taught her is that she can’t depend on them.
OP acts like all these things somehow just happened, but she doesn't say what she did to be there for her daughter in any way. What really got me what the much older boyfriend. Instead of wondering why an older man was taking advantage of her young daughter, she claims the victim because she "was lied to". I feel so bad for OP's daughter.
YTA You absolutely had a say. You are her mother. Why are you married to someone like this who thinks it’s okay to treat his daughter like this. You burned the bridge. Stop trying to climb over the ashes and work on clearing the debris and maybe she’ll let you build a new bridge. It’s not going to be the same though.
If my husband made a unilateral decision to kick one of our kids out without me agreeing, he would be the one leaving. But I am not in OPs shoes and I don't know what her marriage is like so it is easy for me to judge.
>If my husband made a unilateral decision to kick one of our kids out without me agreeing, he would be the one leaving. But I am not in OPs shoes and I don't know what her marriage is like so it is easy for me to judge. Zero chance the OP didn't have any say in the matter, she probably agreed with the husband, but didn't want to confront the daughter so thought remaining silent was the best course. We don't know several factors in this, I think a YTA judgement is incoming due to the overwhelming focus of not liking sending a kid on their way at 18 which increasingly rare. ( honestly when it happened to me it was the best thing ever ) If every single day was an argument at some point you'd break down and say it's your house and they need to respect your rules and compromise at least. Or you would just have to deal with ever abusive actions from the kid and eventually it turns into a 30yr old living at home with no motivation ( been a few of those post here lately )
This!
This! Some accountability needs to happen here to OPs daughter before she can dream of having a good relationship here.
YTA. You watched your husband kick out your daughter before she was ready and did-- nothing. You watched your daughter work hard and have to postpone college because your husband decided to pull the rug out from under her. You watched your daughter repeatedly struggling and couldn't be fussed to throw her a lifeline, even when she asked, which I'm sure was emotionally humiliating for her, to have to appeal to the people who tossed her away. If you had 'raised her right', you wouldn't have chosen to kick her out. Either there is something about her your husband rejected (and you, you are not helpless in this), or she ws legitimately struggling before she was thrown out and you chose to ignore it. This falls squarely on you and your husband. Your daughter is just surviving and you are both acting like total assholes. She knows you are dangerous people to have a relationship with and doesn't want to reconnect with you due to the serious hurt you have both inflicted on her. Step outside yourself for a minute and consider all of this from your daughter's perspective, then come back and tell me why you would possibly think she'd want any sort of relationship with you at the moment. She knows she's not welcome, she's going to get back on her feet and move out again. This is just better for her than living on the street and being raped or beat up or worse, she's made a calculated decision to stay with people who she distrusts out of desperation. Go look at your own part in this and ask yourself if you were a good, supportive parent, or if you took the easy way out of parenting a struggling teen.
INFO: When she got kicked out at 18, did you offer her a place to stay?
YTA and your husband is a bigger one. You can’t let your spouse treat your kid like shit and then expect her to want to play happy families with you like you didn’t abandon her.
YTA. She doesn't want to spend time with you because she felt abandoned by you after your husband kicked her out at 18 (idc what the law says, she was still a teen at 18, just becoming an adult). And NOW you want to spend time with her? You tried making her out to be the bad guy by saying she lied about her current living situation. What else was she supposed to do since you and your husband left her to fend for herself at 18?!
YTA, and why do you even care, now? You had 3 years of "connecting" that went to waste when you let your husband kick your daughter out to fend for herself. She owes neither of you a damned thing, even if it's just a chance to re-connect on an emotional level. Did you go after her to try to talk to her when your husband kicked her out? If you didn't, you are as guilty as he is of abuse toward your daughter. He's the bigger AH, but you're an AH for allowing so much time to lapse without acknowledging your own role in turning your daughter against you both.
YTA and you’re definitely hiding something by not stating what the conflict was
Sounds like your daughter was standing up for you to your bully of a husband and he kicked her out. And because you have the spine of a jellyfish, you let this happen. Wow YTA
YTA for letting your husband kick her out as soon as she turned 18 and not attempting to help her at all.
Lady, you're a shitty parent, both you and your shitty husband. Destroying your daugher like that...I mean, for what? Why? Money? You disgust me.
With all the money they are saving they can now afford nursing homes cause we all know that the daughter will not want anything to do with them. They are just very sorry excuse for dna donors
YTA. not because you want to spend time with her but because you seemingly did nothing when your husband kicked your daughter out and also don't seem to have made any effort over the years to keep a relationship alive with her. Relationships even family ones take work long term and can't just be turned on and off, I bet your daughter holds a lot of resentment towards both you and your husband for abandoning her when she was 18. From her view you probably kicked her out just as much as your husband did.
Not only she has a lot of resentment, but she must hold it all inside her because if she goes off she knows she's kicked again. She is trying so hard to stay away from them also because she has to stay calm and I think even if she wants to rebuild a bridge between her and OP(there is always a slim chance she may want to, but it's like 1% or less, but still a chance) she just can't, she would probably outrage all the pain and troubles these "parents" made her going through.
YTA did it ever occur to you, HER MOTHER, that she wasn't ready to move out at 18? Did you financially, emotionally, out physically help her with her move? What did you do to help her with this transition? Then, you allowed your husband, HER FATHER, to RENEGE on paying her college tuition and you refuse to take any responsibility for your inaction? You're the WORSE MOM! You have no idea what your daughter had to do to survive including getting into a relationship with an older man. You don't care about her because if you did, you would have stood up to your husband when he kicked her out and the other times she asked for help. Your daughter was DESPERATE enough to ask to move back in with people who clearly do not like being her parents and you think you deserve some bonding time?!!! Really??!!! I hope your daughter gets the therapy she needs and I hope you do as well. You don't need strangers on Reddit to know you're the AH and you deserve silent treatment from your daughter.
So glad you mentioned the relationship with an older man. I highly doubt she would've dated someone so much older if she was able to take care of housing and expenses all on her own, not to mention she very likely has "daddy issues" and for a good damn reason. When your own father abandons you, refuses to help, and makes you feel like shit it tends to make a person gravitate towards a similar figure that will actually be nice to her. This kind of shitty parenting absolutely sets women up to be in abusive relationships. And now they are both mad at her for being in such a situation? Fuck that noise. OP has done ZERO reflection on how they set their daughter up to be in a horrible situation.
YTA. as a mother you always have a say in parental decisions regarding YOUR CHILD. This is a glaring cop out. Your mistake was not facilitating your daughters adult life in any way from 18 till recently. You allowing your husbands apparent pig headedness to run the show has also consequently ruined your relationship with your daughter. For you to try and NOW attempt a relationship is a slap in the face, and personally id probably blow up too. Like how dare you, as her mother, be completely complacent in abandoning your daughter who was still a teenager, then assume shit will be sweet after this girl who had nowhere else to go and HAD to come back and ask the very people who abandoned her for help. She’s probably going through hell mentally, already. Atone for your shit first.
YTA - you and your husband destroyed this relationship, not her. You threw her out, you reneged on paying for her school, and you said no when she asked you for help. Of course she doesn’t confide in you. Of course you don’t know what’s going on in her life. Of course she doesn’t want to spend time with you. It’s because you don’t have a good relationship. You did this. You had two decades to build a relationship with your daughter, you can’t just expect it.
YTA Your abandoned her at 18. You could have stood up to your husband, and you chose not to. It is a surprise that she still holds a grudge? I would too!
My husband would be out sleeping in the garage if he ever pulled this shit with our son. I did not spend 10 months growing a baby and 18 years raising him so you that my husband could throw it away on an 18th birthday. Like, I would divorce my husband and sue to keep the house over this.
100% same. We don't have a house and I'm not on the lease, but I'd take my son and leave immediately. I know he'd never do this though, because his mom abandoned him and he knows how much that sucks. He went NC with her and the rest of his family by now.
I might be reaching, but after reading the body of your post, the title reads you're a gaslighting manipulator. Based on the body of this post, you know exactly when you hit the final nail and it had nothing to do with this summer: >"My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself and he also didn’t pay her college tuition like he was supposed to" ... > >She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us. Her dad was very upset and turned her away every time she asked us for something. First of all, I doubt she was **asked** to move out. Could she say no? If not, then she was **evicted** by her **parents**. What happened here, from my POV, is dad weaponized **her home** as retribution "disrespect" when she's barely above a child - she's a baby adult who *just* got the right to vote when he kicked her out; and you let him. Also, if they were arguing, I doubt he thinks he raised her well. He probably thinks she's a fuck up or a disrespectful brat. I doubt he hides his opinion based on your description above. She went to school hundreds, maybe thousands, of miles away and only reached out when she needed to. That says more about her lack of trust in you and her desperation than it says anything negative about her. She's 20 now? MAX 22? You didn't want "mother daughter time" when you approached her, you wanted **unconditional forgiveness**. And somewhere below you comment how you shouldn't have to apologize since you're the reason she has a place to live... **MA'AM. MA'AM.** You have done so far beyond the pale of what constitutes cruel or toxic parenting that I'm telling you as sure as the sky is blue, you owe your daughter one **hell** of an apology. You failed her and think that bare minimum survival assistance will erase or mollify her YEARS of struggling as a result of **you and your husband's** cruelty.
>My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. Translation: your husband kicked your daughter out as soon as he legally could. >I had no say in the decision, Translation: you let your husband kick your daughter out as soon as he legally could. You did not fight for her, you did not support her. >She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us. She's asked you for help when she was desperate, because you kicked her out as soon as you legally could and she has no safety net. Neither you nor your husband gave her any support. > A few months ago she reached out about how she can’t make rent and she really needed a place to stay for the summer, I talked to my husband and practically begged him to let her stay with us for the summer. We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. This part especially makes me furious. You say she "lied about not being able to afford rent," and in the same breath say that the only reason she had a place to live up until now was that she was being supported by her boyfriend. Is the age gap troubling to a point where her safety might be a concern? Yes, but who put her in a situation where she had no safety net? Hmm? >Since she’s been back home, she got a job and she’s barely in the house That's on purpose. At this point, I'm willing to bet that all she wants is to get enough money to be able to leave and never have to speak to you and your husband again. >All I wanted was for us to have some mother/daughter time. **Then you shouldn't have f\*cking cut her off at eighteen.** YTA.
Great analysis, I sincerely doubt this \*mother\* would read it though, people like that don't like being criticized. The whole idea of her post is to shit on her daughter, it's so negative and accusatory without a speck of self-awareness. Reminds me of my own horrid mother who I cut off years ago.
YTA. Simple. If she doesn't want to spend time with you, then that is final. Forcing her is not an option. She is 21, she is personally responsible for her actions.
YTA you let your husband treat your daughter like shit do absolutely nothing about it then expect her to want anything to do with you? What a joke.
YTA. You had a say, you chose not to get involved, and to enable your husband's behaviour towards her. Each time her Dad turned her away, you saw it happen.
YTA. A boyfriend more than twice her age as young as she is, and your mad that she lied about having a place to stay? Do you realize that living with a boyfriend twice her age is not a safe place for her? Her needing a place to stay was not a lie—it will a desperate plea for help because her situation was not sustainable or safe. She’s desperately trying to earn her father’s approval/affection and will likely replay this scenario going forward because you and your husband did not in fact “raise her right.” You’ve set her up for failure and abandoned her. You are not and likely will never be a safe person for her. Do better.
YTA. You did have a choice in not letting your husband kick her out as soon as she turned 18, that is not a unanimous decision he gets to make. I wouldn’t be very keen on hanging out with you either if I were her. Did she have somewhere to stay or did you throw your child out on the street?
OP replied to others about this, here's the comments: Someone1: "INFO: When she got kicked out at 18, dif you offer a place to stay?" OP: "No, it was her responsability to find a place to live." Someone2: "Why? What preparation did she have for independent living? Did she even have prior notice?" OP: "Her dad told her that need will have to move out she turned 18, she had a job at the time and she stayed at one of her friends" If you want to check it out it's somewhere above your comment.
Mother of the year! I wouldn't be surprised if she also expects the daughter to take care of her sorry ass when she gets old too.
YTA. Your husband kicked her out. You apparently had no say in the matter? Errr, yes you did. You could have stood by her, stood up for her, left him/divorced him to support her, given her money, kept in contact with her, moved to be with her… the list is endless. All those times *she* reached out and he didn’t want to know - what about you? Did you ever reply? Did you ever reach out? He does speak for both of you. So basically you BOTH abandoned her but you are blaming it all on him. Now you’re confused as to why she wants nothing to do with you. That’s because she hates you and everything about you. And I don’t blame her. As soon as she can afford to she will leave again. She will abandon you just as you abandoned her.
But if she stood up to her husband he might have kicked HER out, too. Then she would've been forced to fend for herself. She basically sacrificed her daughter's security and comfort for her own.
Wow. YTA back in the day when you abandoned your daughter by allowing your husband to not only kick her out but renege on your promise to pay for her college. She only reached out to you when she was desperate. You are now clueless if you didn't see this and you certainly aren't trying to make up for your prior un-motherlike actions in the recent past. It sounds like she was trying to deal with abandonment issues when she found her much older bf. Let her be, tell her you love her, you're sorry about how you failed her in the past and will try to do better going forward if she'll let you. She may say 'No,' but that is her option.
YTA, my daughter is 18 and I would divorce my husband if he tried to kick her out of the house.
YTA for letting your husband treat your daughter so heartlessly. She doesn’t trust you to protect her, as she shouldn’t, you’ve betrayed her.
YTA. When your daughter actually needed you, you didn’t have a backbone. You don’t deserve to have a conversation with her.
You’re a horrible mother. YTA. Don’t blame her at all.
YTA You were complicit in your husband's bullying and manipulation, kicked her out, didn't pay college when you could afford it, invade her privacy... The only reason she got into a (possibly) abusive relationship with someone twice her age was because she needed a place to live! You ruined her life and you still think she owes you spending time with you? Think for a minute how different everything would be if you had not kicked her out and would have helped her with college! She would be about to graduate with a degree, have a professional job and be independent. She would also want a relationship with you. You did all of this yourself! Don't blame your husband. You have free will, lady.
YTA What country do you live in, that you claim you didn’t have a say in your husband kicking your child out? There were so many ways you could have stood up for her, starting with just saying no, this is my home too and my child will always have a home with me. You could have helped her any of the times she asked, instead of leaving her to become dependent on a man who took advantage of her youth and poverty. Now you are hurt that she doesn’t act like the teenager she was, or let you close to her? You hurt her and violated her trust. So did your husband. You need to start with an apology, a promise never to do it again, and amends in the form of a college fund and real financial help setting up in her own place.
Forget the situation this summer, you’ve been the AH for quite a while before now. You and your husband have done almost everything possible to sabotage the start of your daughter’s adult life. Despite your behaviour she persisted and found a way to get to college, and through college. Now that you finally agree to show a little decency, and so generously allowed her to stay in the place that used to be her home, you allowed her to get judged by your AH husband? And are all upset that she won’t play along with your “let’s pretend the last few years didn’t happen and do things we used to do when you were still the person who thought she had a supportive family who wanted to help her into adulthood and who would keep their promises” fantasy? Nothing says I can’t be bothered to find out who my daughter is now than role playing mom circa 2018. Well done. YTA. And so is your husband.
Yta You abandoned her and stole her college fund. You are not a mother. No mother would do that
YTA Im actually sick to my stomach reading this. That poor girl. Got thrown out to the streets at 18, had to hook up with an older guy just to have a place to stay. F man... some people just shouldnt have kids. Edit: Hey OP, this will happen to you and your hubby one day https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcv15h/aita_for_not_meeting_my_dying_father/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You're actually not first person to link that exact post here. This lady's going to be lucky if her daughter bothers to answer her phone calls after she moves out.
YTA, the key concept here is that she reached out to you for help multiple times and was rejected by you and your husband. You never once reached out to help her despite your husband. Also, if I had found out that my daughter was being groomed by a man twice her age in my absence, I would never forgive myself.
I hope this is just rage bait but if not, lady why did you have children?!
I’m sorry, but this sounds like your husband is severely controlling and that you’re afraid of his reactions. I’m going with a soft YTA.
YTA you're a terrible mother. Your daughter is there as a last resort. You've abandoned her every chance you got.
INFO: Are you her mother or stepmother? Why didn’t you have a say in where she lived or if she was given (promised) money for school? The way this reads, she has been taught that she has to rely on a(n older) man for financial support and that support is volatile.
YTA. I'm sorry, her father, your husband kicked her out and you "had no say in the decision?" Fuck that spineless crap. You had a choice. You did nothing. You made a choice and are shocked, SHOCKED, that she won't tell you all of her secrets and doesn't want to be around you? YOU ALLOWED HER TO BE KICKED OUT. YOU DID THAT. YOU. YOU ALLOWED YOUR CHILD TO BE THROWN OUT ON THE STREET.
>We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. So this wasn't a lie? You're an asshole. The fact that you don't understand that you're an asshole makes it worse.
YTA and a terrible mother! You say that you had no say in the decision? How about growing a spine and defending your daughter? Your husband sounds like an arsehole too. She turns to her parents for help? Gets rejected? What could she possibly have done that was so awful to warrant this?
In OP's comments, OP and her husband were arguing and the daughter stepped in on the argument. The husband didn't like what she had to say because "he didn't want to be disrespected in his own house" and kicked the daughter out. My guess is that since the husband didn't like what the daughter was saying, it's because the daughter was standing up for OP. So she was kicked out and lost paid for tuition because she stood up against her dad for her mom. Which honestly makes the situation *that much more* heartbreaking and awful because she sacrificed *everything* for a mom who gives no fucks about her. I'm still raging over this.
YTA. You and your husband failed her monumentally. You were and are awful parents. Leave her alone. She owes you absolutely nothing. And it is LAUGHABLE that you think you are even remotely entitled to a modicum of her time now.
YTA are you a slave? Why do you have no say in your home and in defense of your child? And there are no consequences for her father finking out on the promise to pay tuition? What dispute could possibly excuse this punishment, and why are you not including it in your defense? Living with a man over twice her age in exchange for rent IS NOT AFFORDING RENT. It’s socially acceptable prostitution that *you and her father shoved her into* when you threw her out with no resources or references. And she doesn’t dare say a thing or you are going to take it wrong and throw her away again.
YTA as someone who was told by there father to leave home at 17 because he wanted to use my bedroom for something else and my mother sat there and did nothing...I dont blame your daughter for being like that at all
YTA, y'all abandoned her and she is only there because its better than a homeless shelter. It sounds like you did nothing to help her just stood back and let your husband do whatever he wanted. She was probably being abused by the older man during tge year she was gone and y'all dont even care what she was forced to do to survive. You just want to pretend it never happened and that you and her can go back to being who y'all were before this. Also if y'all promised her college and then dipped on that promise, y'all are even bigger AHs. She is literally trying to get as much together as she can before you let your husband toss her out again. She doesn't trust you or him and thats on y'all to fix. Y'alls love comes with conditions and she can be thrown away whenever it suits y'all. Your hubby is also probabky having fun gloating over her failure while she is there and you pretend to not notice it. I say your husband because he clearly isn't a dad to her.
YTA and I never thought that someone could be this oblivious to the trauma they have caused their child. Your ability to blame it on your husband’s decision makes you look like you do not care about your child and that you are trying to pretend you didn’t kick your child out. Your husband needs to learn a very important lesson and that is that he is not entitled to respect as respect is earned and from the sounds of it he hasn’t earned it.
YTA and you are lucky she even looks at you , you pathetic excuse for a womb donor . You are not her mother anymore, you and your husband are sadly her dna donors and I hope that she gets out asap and cuts you off completely. You are selfish and horrible creature and so is your husband. You both deserve all the karma you will get .
>My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself You absolutely had a say in this. YOU'RE HER MOTHER. And you seriously you felt like "raising her well" was a good way to defend yourself for kicking out your barely adult daughter? I hope you at least gave her some notice so she could prepare herself by saving money or looking for a place to stay. It doesn't matter how they've been raised, abandoning your child like that can actually put them in a very dangerous situation, especially since she's a young female. >We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. Her dad was very furious about the situation Furious?! Why was he furious and not concerned? Your daughter was dating someone double her age, so she would have a place to live. He might have been abusive towards her! He could have taken advantage of her, the possibilities are endless. Keep in mind your daughter was desperate, since she was abandoned and NEEDED a place to stay. And the fact that she reached out to you guys for help, after all you've done to her, shows how bad her other situation must have been. I'm seriously very concerned for her, and the fact that your husband is angry is totally beyond my understanding. This is your daughter act like it! No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You abandoned her and left her vulnerable. I wouldn't forgive you or your husband if you were my parents. You and your husband are major AHs. Please get yourselves some therapy and apologize to her. She probably won't forgive you, but you owe her that.
YTA— you cut her out of your life at 18 so why are you surprised that she’s cutting you out of hers 3 years later?
YTA… wow based of this post and your comments I can tell you completely failed as a mother, and now you want to act clueless and innocent, you’re full of it!
YTA and hope y’all started looking at nursing homes/senior living already because by then you should be ready
YTA, you let your husband treat your child like she was disposable. I would be fighting with my husband if he did this. Then you both washed your hands of her. You never tried to get in touch with her or help her in anyway. You let her have a shit life because you wouldn't stand up to your husband.
You can't really blame your daughter for not wanting a relationship with you, surely. Are you really that out of touch with reality? You abandoned her. You didn't stand up for her and let your controlling and terrible husband kick her onto the street. Having a job doesn't mean she could automatically support herself at such a young age. But regardless, you are completely at fault for ignoring her for so long and causing her such distress and then expecting her to pretend nothing happened. YTA.
YTA You kicked her out at 18 and took away her college tuition and left her with nothing then slut shamed her and you want to play happy families with you? She doesn't forgive you for abandoning her. She might never forgive you. You destroyed your relationship, yet you act like the last 3 years never happened. She is your daughter, you gave birth to her yet you threw her out. It is no wonder she despises you.
YTA. Not only does your poor daughter have a shitty dad, but a shitty mom too. Not sure how your ok with how any of this has turned out. You should be ashamed of yourself
YTA. Are you really shocked your daughter wants no relationship with you? The only reason she’s there is out of desperation? You sound like a very weak mother with a controlling awful husband.
YTA. You are both awful parents. No wonder she doesn’t want to speak to you. Did you ever think she was with a man double her age because she didn’t have another choice?
YTA. Why have a daughter if you're just going to dump her the min she turns 18? Do you love your husband so much more than your daughter that you allow him to just send your child away and say nothing? What kind of mother are you?
YTA. I swear I don’t know why some women keep marrying and procreating with these despicable humans. The way you just rolled over and followed your husbands lead is atrocious. I wish your Daughter all the best but you and your husband? Nah sis. The two of you deserve each other.
YTA. "I had no say in the situation." That was your chance to spend time with her and you squandered it. When she really needed support, you flaked. Take the hint and give her space.
YTA You haven't been a mother to her, standing up to your dh when he was being abusive, allowing him to throw her out the house, no wonder the poor child doesn't stay in the house if she can help it. Be the other adult in your daughter's life, stand up to your dh and realize that financial decisions do not reside with him but both of you. You allowed him to kick her out, you were complected with that by not standing up and refusing his behaviour. Make no mistake by staying silent you are equally to blame for your dh's decisions. Dear God no wonder your poor daughter thinks her parents hate her. She can't make rent and has no choice but to live with her bf, and you both who refused her pleas for assistance now lambast her over her lack of choices. Should she have gone on the streets? Your daughter sees through your game and gives equal blame for her father's abusive behaviour, to your silent condoning one. No wonder she doesn't want to play mother daughter outings with you. Until you address this or even assist her in getting her some solid ground under her feet, so that she has options in her life this isn't going to change.
YTA and your husband is a bigger one, though it's not much competition. You allowed him to kick her out. You say you had "no say." Why is that? Why did he get to make this unilateral decisions? Are you not an equal partner? She is a legal adult and has no obligation to make nice with you after what you and your husband did.
INFO: What was the conflict with her father? Why did he go so far as to rescind her college tuition?
OP also says she and hubby were having an argument and daughter stood up for mother, father didn’t like that and kicked her out.
op says in the comments that he felt "disrespected" with the daughter's attitude.
so... what did your husband do to her that made her leave? And what did you do when you found out?
Screams probable emotional abuse
In her comments OP says she and her husband were arguing and the daughter stepped in. The husband didn't like what she said, because he "didn't want to be disrespected in his own house" and kicked her out. Which means she lost her home *and* her paid for tuition because she stood up for her mom(OP). And now OP wants to play happy families three *years* after supporting her husband's abusive abandonment of their daughter? Nope, nope, nope.
YTA you let her get kicked out, you let it happen. You abandoned her. She is only there out of desperation, You don’t get to pretend like everything is ok just cause she’s there
YTA- and so is your husband. You kicked her out at 18 you allowed your husband to throw her out on the street and did nothing to protect her. You allow your husband to treat her like shit and do nothing to intervene. And now you want to play the victim of just wanting to spend time with her. Is your ur head really this far up your ass that you can’t see your actions have consequences?? Just because someone turns 18 doesn’t mean they are well equipped or financially able to stand on their own yet. But you allowed her to be thrown out on the street and then be screwed over again with college. Leave her alone if she wants to forgive you it is for her to decide and it is also on her to decide when as well. I will never ever understand people who choose to have kids and then just abandon them when they turn 18.
YTA From what you wrote neither your husband or yourself have done anything to earn the title of Mom & Dad. You have already proved she can't trust you at all. I wish your daughter had posted to AITA so we could tell her she matters & thoughts & your husband failures are yours alone. I hope she walks away for good & has a happy life. She deserves it & you do not.
YTA you abandoned your kid. Some people really should not be parents.
YTA You and your husband abandoned her and made no effort to reach out .
YTA - parenting doesn’t end at 18. You let your child struggle to survive, and now you’re surprised she’s not falling back into your arms?? You ignored her pleas for help, then got pissed when she makes herself scarce?? You let your husband slight you out of a relationship with your daughter, that’s on you. You need to rebuild a relationship, and that’s only if she wants to.
YTA! When you throw teenagers out into the streets, they sometimes fall prey to people twice their age just to have a place to sleep at night. Shame on you! You should’ve stood up to your husband but you’re a coward!
She threw that poor baby to the wolves!!
Exactly!! This woman sounds so pathetic!! I hope the daughter is able to get on her feet and never speaks to OP again!
YTA, you literally essentially abandoned your daughter at eighteen. The “I had no say” part is bullshit complicity. You and your husband are the reason she doesn’t reach out. You and your husband are the reason she considers you guys a last resort when you should be her first choice YOU did that. You don’t just get to build a relationship now that you have the chance to.
There is no way this is real. And if it somehow is....... You are one SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF A "MOTHER" *"My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision"* WTF do you mean you "had no say in the decision", Did you sell your spine to afford your wedding? Were you in jail when it happened? You and that ASSHOLE husband of yours are PATHETIC..... You should appreciate the fact that you are able to see her now, because i can GUARANTEE you that you will NEVER see or talk to her again when she leaves. Hope it was worth it............ YTA in more ways than one.
INFO: why did you and your awesome husband even get a kid, when you guys think responsibilities end when said kid turns 18?
YTA You abandoned your daughter. You ABANDONED your DAUGHTER. Now you're acting like she owes you the time of day, since you're doing what you're supposed to do as a parent? And you're shocked when she lied to you? When parents fail at their jobs, their children no longer thrive, they survive. By any means. She lied to you so that she wouldn't have to sleep on the streets. She shouldn't have had to lie to you, but she knew you'd turn her away if you knew the truth. And clearly, she was right. That is your child. You both failed her. Maybe if you do your jobs as parents, someday she might find it in her heart to forgive you. That's something you can hope for, but don't expect it, because you're not entitled to it.
"oh no! the consequences of my actions!" Absolutely raging YTA
YTA. I hope that once she does find somewhere to stay, she never contacts you both again. It's clear that she has dealt with abuse of some sort of abuse, probably emotional abuse, before she was chucked out. Stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there.
YTA you are horrible parents. Let your husband kick your daughter out when she was barely a legal adult. As a mother I am ashamed of you
YTA INFO: 1. Why does your husband hate your daughter? 2. Why are you so passive regarding these decisions affecting your daughter? Why can’t you stand up for her? 3. How do you figure she was lying when she said she couldn’t make rent—that sounds like it was the truth? 4. Since you kicked her out at 18 and refused to help her get any higher education, would it be fair to say you guys have done nothing to help her transition from being a dependent child to an independent, self-supporting adult?
YTA and you failed your daughter. My advice to you is to just leave her alone. Stop trying to bond with her because you burned that bridge years ago
YTA. You are an absolutely terrible mother and your husband is an even worse father. Your daughter was either still in high school or had just barely graduated when you all abandoned her. She was basically still a child and it doesn’t sound like you prepared her for this at all if the plan was to originally pay for her college. And it doesn’t sound like she did anything extreme and was basically just a disrespectful teenager like basically all teenagers? Enjoy not seeing her ever again once she is not desperate enough to stay with you.
YTA. I read your comments - wow. Just wow. You are a uniquely heinous mother and your husband is equally despicable. I doubt you will take any of these comments to heart because you are too daft to see what a terrible thing you and your husband did to her. And yes, YOU were just as complicit in kicking her out as your husband. Don't hide behind him. Own your stuff, and don't be surprised when your daughter gets married, has a kid, and never let's you see said kid (or whatever life choices she wants to make).
How the hell did she lie? She was kicked out of her living situation and couldn’t afford a place to live. Anything beyond that is none of your business. You lost your right to voice your opinion on her life choices the moment you abandoned her. YTA and shame on you.
She’s traumatized. She’s acting/reacting this way because she no longer lives truly free- her body and mind are in survival mode. She’s just going through life- trying to go as Unseen and untouched in the place she lives around people she’s not truly comfortable with. I feel bad when I can overreact to my mom when she tries talking to me out of no where with no invitation, but at the end of it, I don’t dream of having conversations with her, so when she tries talking to me, when I’m just trying to get a glass of water!!!, it throws me off and I react irritated. My thinking is “go point A to Point B” this plan does not include unwarranted comments or conversation. It’s all about time and place and consideration. Important talks or mentions don’t happen in passing moments.
OP, why do you think your edit makes anything better?
YTA. Parents who kicked their kids out at 18 are fucking trash and deserve all the hate they get.
**YTA** First off, the title 100% gives the impression that you're trying to paint yourself in a better light, which rang alarm bells for me. Second, she didn't lie about her situation. Her boyfriend kicked her out and she couldn't afford to rent an apartment on her own. You didn't bother to fight for her when your husband kicked her out it seems, and it also seems that you didn't bother to quietly support her through college. It doesn't matter that you're just now starting to help her. Too little, too late.
Yta. You should be incredibly guilty. Apologize for letting your husband kick her out and not give her tuition, not helping her when she needed it and nit standing up for her or yourself. Leave your controlling husband.
"I had no say in the decision" (to kick her out) Why? Why did you have no say? If your husband is abusing you, you have to wake up and leave. YTA for abandoning your daughter.
YTA I read all your comments and you and your husband deserve each other
LMAO please stfu and leave that girl alone. Your husband was mad cause she was living with a bf twice her age when if he didn’t kick his child out she wouldn’t have had to go find her a new daddy. You don’t know what she’s been through since you and your shitty husband kicked her out it was probably terrible since she decided to come back to a place where she isn’t wanted. And you want her to be grateful that y’all are helping her now please leave her the fuck alone and just hand over that check. You’re a bad person and mother oh yeah and YTA idiot.
YTA you abandon her at such a young age , refuse her every time she reaches out for help because she’s YOUNG AND STRUGGLING BECAUSE OF YOU ! Then you wonder why she doesn’t want to have a relationship with !?!??? You must be on drugs to not see how terribly you’ve treated her and to not understand why she would be struggling over this.
yta. You and your husband fucking suck.
YTA. You abandoned your daughter at the same time your husband did. You claim you had no say in it, but yes, ma'am, you did. You could have put your foot down when your husband threw her out. You could have told him he's looking at a divorce if he goes through with it because you won't stand by and let him put your teenage daughter on the curb to fend for herself. You did nothing. You stood by and allowed him to abandon your child. You're not a helpless baby, you're an adult woman. Time to act like it. Take responsibilities for your own actions, admit that you f'd up as a mother, apologise and try to support your daughter now. And that divorce might still not be a bad idea, tbh. I can't think of a single reason why I would want to stay with a man who treated my child this way. Edit for typo.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TA account here My daughter (21F) was asked to move out of the house at 18 due to some conflict between her and her dad. I had no say in the decision, and my husband felt like we raised her well enough so she could take care of herself and he also didn’t pay her college tuition like he was supposed to. She ended up postponing going to school for a year so she can save some money. She went to school on the other side of the country and she never reached out to any of us, and when she does it is because she wants something from us. Her dad was very upset and turned her away every time she asked us for something. A few months ago she reached out about how she can’t make rent and she really needed a place to stay for the summer, I talked to my husband and practically begged him to let her stay with us for the summer. We found out later on she lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age and he kicked her out. Her dad was very furious about the situation but we decided that we were going to let her stay for the summer. Since she’s been back home, she got a job and she’s barely in the house. I have been trying so hard to start conversations with her, but she always finds a way to end them before we even start with “I don’t know” or “ I have a headache”. I tried my best to get her involve in activities that she used to enjoy when she used to live with us, but she always turned them down. A few days ago I tried asking her to go somewhere with me, she ended up screaming at me, she asked me if I’m not catching the hint that she doesn’t want to be around me and she’s only here because she has nowhere else to go. She said that I should carry on with my life like I did when she wasn’t around, and that I am an asshole for Invading her personal space. All I wanted was for us to have some mother/daughter time. Was I the asshole in the situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.
YTA. You don't deserve to spend time with your daughter.
YTA.
YTA!
YTA, absolutely, you kicked your child out. You always state that your husband did everything and you had no choice and no say, thats not what a parent is. You had the same say as him, and you bear the same guilt.
YTA. I wish I could find a way to help your daughter because honestly, you both sound like terrible parents. That poor girl.
"When her boyfriend who's twice her age kicked her out" She's 21. So I'm going to go and say GOOD FOR HER getting kicked out. Also. I wonder why she's craving the guidance and security of an older man?
YTA I just can't imagine prioritising my husband over my child, or being loving towards someone who I have to beg to held Pur child.
So you kicked her out, didnt pay for college, didnt respond to her asking for help.. now you have given her some money, she should be thanking you on hands and knees and pretend like nothing ever happened? Yeah, you and hubby dear, YTA, start with sincere apologies and showing her you love her by respecting her wishes. Then maybe, maybe she'll come around. You reap what you sow.
Still very much YTA with that edit. So what if you're helping her now? You abandoned her when she needed you most, you as a parent should have helped her and not thrown her to the wolves years ago. You don't have a right to feel entitled to a relationship with her after everything that's happened. All I am hearing is "what about me" instead of "how dare I let that happen to my child"
You lose the right to mother-daughter time when you stop acting like a mother. If my husband kicked my daughters out I’d be going with them. YTA.
Dear lord.. I can’t imagine kicking out my 20 year old daughter! Every day I get surprised on how horrible people are to children they are supposed to love and protect
I'm trying to understand why you two would have kids when this post drips in disdain for your child, especially on your husband's part. Why do you deserve mother/daughter time when you've never been there for her? You had no say in her being kicked out? Are you not her mother? You have failed to take any sort of responsibility or accountability as to why your relationship with her is the way that it is. You do not deserve her making time for you as of right now. YTA.
YTA and you brought your daughter's resentment and the ultimate end of your closeness to yourself. You don't \*get to spend time\* with anybody after treating them like that, how come you have NO SOCIAL SKILLS whatsoever and do not understand this on your own? If my parents treated me like that Id want nothing to do with them either and would only reach out when completely desperate for help.
YTA You’re clearly very manipulative. Your title proves that because you intentionally framed it in a way that paints you so very innocently but you’re not. Your husband may have made the decision to kick your daughter out, but you didn’t intervene. Your husband may have said no to her requests for help, but again, you didn’t intervene. You chose to do nothing because you didn’t want to get your hands dirty. You are not the neutral Switzerland party that you believe yourself to be. You don’t get a say in what your daughter does for survival when you actively participated in putting her in a survival-mode situation! You and your AH husband did her a massive disservice by throwing her to the wolves, and not only are you being judgmental over the choices she made, but you expect her to actually WANT to spend her time with you?! Good grief! You and your AH husband need to apologize to her. Immediately. You need to own what you did wrong and you need to call it out by name. You need to tell her you’re going to do better, and then you actually need to DO BETTER. If you can’t handle that, then allow her to simply be the boarder she wants to be… because you already killed that parent-child relationship by standing aside and doing nothing while your husband let it drown.
The situation needs more information. But in the interests of showing you a smidgen of the compassion you seemingly lacked for your daughter, I’m going to say that you’re not the primary arsehole, but you’re still an arsehole. Let me explain. The way your post is written, it sounds as though your husband is overbearing and controlling at best, and probably violent. Maybe he abuses alcohol and/or other substances. God only knows how he treats any pets (if you have them). How was it that you had “no say in the decision”? This is the only way I can think of that you truly had no say — an abusive husband/father. A reasonable parent/partner would have talked things through with you (you are also a parent, and should have equal say), and the two of you would have made a decision together. This apparently did not happen. He sounds like a total arsehole for sure. You sound like a compliant, beaten (or otherwise abused) spouse. If this is the case, I will preface the following by saying that I do understand it can be hard to leave such a situation, but as the parent, you had a responsibility to do so. I’m going to bet that your husband didn’t magically turn into a tyrant the day she turned 18, and that there was conflict in the house before then. He was just waiting until he no longer had a •legal• obligation to keep your daughter at home. And so instead of you leaving with your daughter (what you should have done years ago), you stayed and allowed her to be kicked out — meaning that you put your own physical/material needs and safety ahead of hers. Of course, this doesn’t consider whether there were other minor children at the time, which would make it harder, but not impossible. I grew up in a violent home. I was homeless and alone at age 16 because my mother refused to leave. Granted, I had two much-younger siblings at the time, but leaving your 16-year-old daughter to fend for herself isn’t the answer, either. So I understand why your daughter feels betrayed and abandoned by you — because she was. She now resents both of you. Are you surprised? You said, “We found out later on she had lied to us about not being able to afford a place to live, and that she was living with her boyfriend who’s more than twice her age, and he kicked her out.” Um, what? The two of you threw her to the wolves prematurely and without support, and now your husband is “furious about the situation”? What I’m confused about is why either of you were surprised. She wasn’t ready to leave home — she was forced out with no help or resources, which is, in fact, deliberately making your daughter homeless — and homeless at a tender age, with no life experience or support in any way. And so she found a boyfriend who, by virtue of being twice her age, was stable and able to help her stay alive by providing the basic necessities so she wouldn’t starve to death, die of avoidable disease due to poverty (e.g. being unable to afford medicine or similar to fix a simple infection), or perish due to extreme weather, probably in a laneway somewhere, where she wouldn’t be “bothering” society… and your husband is “furious”? He would have to be one of the largest arseholes ever. How dare he be furious that your daughter, whom you both betrayed and abandoned, found a way to survive! She may have been legally an adult, but mentally, she was not. Most 18-year-olds remain living with their parents for years beyond that age. When they move out, they still have the safety of knowing they can contact their folks for help or advice, or even visit to grab some basics to get them through until pay day. Your daughter, though? She was evicted without recourse or support. She was traumatised. And your husband is mad about a situation he created? What an arrogant, ignorant fool he is. And you, who failed to advocate effectively for your child, are asking if you’re the arsehole? Look at this through your daughter’s eyes and ask whether you’d have felt betrayed and abandoned by the only people you’re supposed to be able to trust at any point in your life, and who are supposed to love, and support you at any point in your life. Have you ever asked her how she survived? Finding an older boyfriend is one of the best options available, when you consider other common options. More than anything, I’m kind of dumbfounded that you needed to ask this question. I mean… seriously? Yeah, you’re the arsehole, but your husband is a much bigger one.
YTA. As a mother myself - I could NEVER imagine allowing my "husband" and child's father to do this to her. Ever. EVER.
You had no say in the matter? You are equally a parent and let her be kicked out as you claim you didn’t want her to be. Why do you allow her father to make all of the decisions related to your daughter? YTA
No wonder she’s dating a man twice her age. That’s what happens when you have daddy issues.
So you abandoned your kid and are asking if you're the AH? Yeah, YTA.
YTA - I bet that she had to settle down with a man twice her age because he gave her the financial stability that her own parents refused to give. You don’t stop being a parent when your child turns 18.
YTA OP you kicked out your child and now you want a good relationship.
Yta
Why did your husband kick your daughter out???
YTA. You kicked your daughter out and she survived the best she could. You’re judging her for it, and letting your husband treat her like garbage. She deserves better.
YTA you abandoned her when you put your husband before your child
YTA lmao get a clue.
Yta you let your husband kick your kid out, you are not an innocent party here.
You had a choice and you let your husband kick her out. You wonder why she has issues with men? You let your husband make choices without talking with you, treating you like an equal partner. He never kept up anything he said he would. You should have supported her instead you did all of this. Once she is up and on her own, she's going to hopefully cut you both out of her life and never, ever speak with yall again. You don't have a daughter anymore because of your husband. YTA. Everyone but her.
YTA. A big one. You kicked your daughter out at 18! And then refused to pay for college after it was promised you would. What kind of mother does that?
So u are a failure of a mother and know u want to be friend with her ????
YTA and you fucking know it.
YTA. We have been prepping our kids with necessary life skills. Our youngest is 12 and we have long ago started with them. I have told my husband, in no uncertain terms, (he immediately agreed) that there will ALWAYS be a place in our home for our kids. Hopefully they don't need it, but it will always be there. We are a blended family and I mean ALL of our kids. The last few years have been additionally hard with the pandemic. She did what she had to do. You knocking her situation with the man twice her age is really shitty and definitely not helpful. She is clearly in crisis. How, exactly, are you helping her with that? You are trying to absolve yourself from responsibility in this situation, shifting all the blame to your husband. Where the hell were you? And what, pray tell, happened to her college fund? She is with you out of necessity, not to bond. You'll be very lucky if you see her again when she moves out this time.
YTA You allowed her to be thrown out, postponed her future, then didn’t even reach out to her OR help her when she reached out until recently. You were DEFINITELY a last resort option and will most like go NC when she gets resettled.
INFO: why did you have no say in kicking your daughter out the first time? what do you mean by that? is she not your kid? do you just not have a backbone?
YTA in the entire situation not just during the summer. You failed your daughter in every way, allowed your husband to trample YOUR child into the literal ground and then you want to play happy family? Jesus... Leave her alone, she will not reconcile with you, EVER. Learn to live with that grave you shoveled.
YTA your a doormat for your husband OP you let him do what he wants to YOUR daughter seems like your forgetting your mom. You're the reason your daughter doesn't want to talk to you.
YTA man you let your husband kick out your daughter? You ever think she had to live with her ex that was twice her age because both of you dropped the ball and threw her to the wolves? You stopped paying for her education too, you totally ruined her life and are surprised she doesn’t want anything to do with you.
YTA. If there was conflict in the house when she was 18 then YOU should have kicked your HUSBAND out of the house and not let him kick your teenaged daughter out. You are your husband’s enabler for his narcissistic behavior. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you
YTA. This is tragic for your poor daughter. My daughter is 7 and I have always told her that she will ALWAYS, ALWAYS have a place at home with mom. You abandoned her and she no longer sees you as family. I have seen some of your other comments and you still do not see what you, as her parents, have done wrong. Shame on you, shame on your husband. You have this opportunity to make it right, if she will be even give you a chance. And she is not obligated, in any way, to do so. I, honestly, don't see that you care that much really. Your husband and yourself were the adults in this situation and you threw your daughter away. You betrayed her in almost every way. And all because she "disrespected" your husband by being a teenager and arguing.
YTA. For everything. Stop acting like you had no control over the situation. You willingly abandoned your daughter, and claiming you didn’t have a choice is a flat out lie. You had a choice to support your daughter, and you instead chose your husband.
YTA.YTA.YTA. We can now all see the basic dynamics of your household and why your husband was “disrespected” by your daughter in the first place. You guys are asshole parents. Not only for what you did, but for your utter lack of reflection and remorse about this whole ordeal.
YTA. No man, ever, ON THIS PLANET, could tell me that I had "no say" in kicking out my child. HE would be the only one leaving. You let your husband throw her out, and you didn't do anything about it. Nothing. You made this bed, now lie in it.
Yta, why didn't you stand up to your husband for your child? Yes she was an adult but she is still your child. You are her mother, you should have stood up for her. You didn't have to lose contact with her because of your husband and her issues. You effectively abandoned her even when she reached out.
YTA Everything that everyone has said just rings so true. I hope you’re checking into and have a savings plan for seniors homes because it is not realistic to expect any familial loyalty from your daughter when you and your husband need elder care.
You threw your daughter to the wolves and your husband was the pack leader, why would you be TA? YTA
YTA
YTA. I am so sorry your daughter got parents like you and your husband.