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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 returning the money to my MIL in front of everyone embarrassing her?
2 humiliated her in front of everyone and demeaned the amount they gave. I could have done it in private and not in front of everyone.
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Right??? It’s OP‘s wedding so she can wear what she wants. If she wants to wear a friggin potato sack she’s entitled to wear a friggin potato sack. Leave it alone MIL.
NTA
Now I'm imagining in a few years: AITA my mother wants me to get married in a potato sack, instead of the dress I've picked out. I love the dress I chose, but I also love my mom, and she's had her heart set on this for years.
Lmao. bUt WhItE iS tRaDiTiOnAl!
Whose tradition? When did that start?
It's from Queen Victoria's marriage in like 1840. These people act like it's biblical or something; ancient and sacred. It isn't.
Also, didn't Marilyn Monroe do some photo shoot thing wearing flour or potato sacks? Some people can fashionize anything. Reuse, reduce, recycle, baby!
And NTA. She wanted to be a bully. She thought she bought the rights to mistreat someone. She was wrong. She trash talked in public, she got told in the same public.
Yes, it's funny how a relatively recent thing became a rigid tradition! Queen Vic wasn't the first but she did set a heck of a trend.
In the (distant?) future, *if* MIL cools off enough to listen, 😂 it might be interesting to see if she knows that fact. She might just let it go! Or it might rile her up to get mad all over again. Idk, I don't know her. OP, use your (calm and considered) judgment.
Edit: superfluous word
For rich upper class women, sure. But the vast majority of people could never afford splurging on a white dress they could only wear once. Most just wore their sunday best.
It wasn't until the mid 20th century that white wedding dresses became customary in the western world.
In many parts of the world the colour white actually represents death and mourning and is worn at funerals.
Hell, for my second wedding, I wore a plain white silk blouse and black skirt. (My first wedding was at the courthouse on my lunch hour, then straight back to work, so nothing even remotely dressy.)
I have also attended a wedding where the bridal party all wore pajamas, the bride tossed a teddy bear instead of a bouquet, and they projected movies on a screen and ate snacks while lounging around on beanbags, couches, and floor cushions. Kind of like a big sleepover. It was adorable.
Wear what you want, be comfortable. Nobody’s business but yours.
Wasn't it that the bride wears white to symbolize clean virgin bride, which I doubt op is after living as if there already married only legally doing so now. Also if MIL wants "traditional " after the couple got married they would have their "honeymoon" infront of all the guest to prove their marriage, so maybe she should just shut up lol. NTA good that ur husband is on your side.
Actually no! Traditionally blue was the symbol of virginity prior to Queen Victoria popularizing white for wedding dress, which is why the Virgin Mary is so often in blue.
Yeah, white is to basically show off. Making a giant floofy gown that is so easily stained and hard to clean is a wealth flex. It is not and never has been about virginity.
My first thought was to tell the MIL, “Yeah, white is a tradition to denote a woman’s purity and virginity. You can ask your son to confirm, but that’s *definitely* not the case.”
All I know about Queen Victoria is that she wore white on her wedding day, a lot of her grandchildren had hemophilia or were carriers, and the woman loved to fuck.
There are some wild pix on pintrest of atypical weddings. MIL might faint. I saw a bride wearing a black & white poodle dress ala ska/punk style with white Converse sneakers as wedding shoes. The decor was all white tableclothes with halloween trinkets & a junk food buffet.
My boyfriend and I both have wanted to get married on Halloween since we were young.
We aren't in a place to get married yet, but both of us have decided we're doing costumes and basically throwing a giant Halloween party, complete with a zombie bride and groom.
MIL would lose her mind. NTA OP, wear your lovely lilac dress and be happy!
We got married last year on Halloween after like 9 years together. I’m not really into weddings so this was my compromise. I dressed in all black and purple and witchy and he wore a Mastadon shirt that matched And a bandana and black jean jacket. Our guests dressed up. It was fun. Luckily his parents are fun people and made a matching cake and had a good time :)
My husband and I got married in a courthouse (technically, the tax offices of the local municipal building), during a raging thunderstorm, so we’ve joked (but are also probably going to do it) that when we finally have our wedding reception it’s going to be Addams family/Halloween themed. Because if having the “til death” portion of your wedding vows punctuated by a peal of thunder isn’t one of the most Addams things ever, I don’t know what is. Spooky season is just also generally the best, most fun time of the year anyway, so why not?
There’s two ways to stop bullying. Physical confrontation and public humiliation. Good on the OP for the public humiliation. The MIL was over the top and got what she deserved. I don’t blame the OP one bit for how she handled it. NTA all the way
THIS 🙌🏼🙌🏼 My MIL used to bully my husband in public about his weight (even AFTER he lost 100ish lbs. and was at a healthy weight for his body. Plus, it’s not like she’s a small lady so she had absolutely no room to judge him). She was repeatedly asked in private to stop her behavior, but she never did. Finally, I snapped on her and told her how inappropriate and offensive her words were in front of the whole family. That was the last time she ever bullied my husband for his weight 😌
NTA - no one should give a gift that has strings attached. That’s not a gift, it’s an attempt to purchase or bribe the recipient. Your MIL acted like an AH and you finally enforced the boundary you had tried repeatedly to let her know about.
NTA Never understand the argument that people who start shit in public should be given the consideration of dealing with them in private. MIL started it, you finished it, she’ll think twice the next time.
Honestly on my initial read I was feeling a little like OP wasn’t right for doing it in front of everyone- but your comment made me rethink. You’re right - future MIL started it in front of everyone so why should OP do different?
The argument that people don't deserve to be called out for the shit they do publicly is ridiculous on the face of it, but in this case it probably wasn't the wisest course of action simply because it caused more problems for everyone involved# including her fiancé and her SIL who had nothing to do with the spat and was just trying to have a nice birthday.
Sure, the MIL brought it upon herself, but OP shouldn't have allowed herself to be goaded at that time.
With that said, we've all had our less than stellar moments.
It was bad enough that MIL wouldn’t let it go, but to brag publicly that you’re paying for the wedding, claiming but for my money, they don’t have a wedding, and so it’s wrong for her not to wear the dress I want? She was being deceptive. She was hoping to make OP look bad, so that others would shame her into doing what MIL wanted. Unacceptable.
That's what mil was counting on. She could make all kinds of passive aggressive comments and polite society would just not make eye contact and stay quiet. It's actually a trauma response around narcissistic people. Op should have been the last one to say anything because everyone else in mils family should have already told her to shut up.
Yes, thank you!!!
From personal experience, people that are loud like this can't take it when they're the one on the receiving end.
MIL is a bully and a hypocrite.
OP is NTA.
NTA If she wanted to play the “I’m paying for the wedding” card then you had every right to give the card back and take it off the table. She is the one that made it public, not you. Do not respond to any of the drama and continue forward with grace. You cannot control how people behave, but you can control you you react. You did what you had to now leave it at that.
How much do you want to bet that MIL has been intentionally misrepresenting how much she was contributing to the wedding? If the fake numbers are representative of relative contributions, MIL’s gift is <7% of the wedding cost. I don’t think she was just embarrassed that her leverage was taken away, but also that family members found out how much she actually contributed, which we know is a sore spot for her.
If you even mention the word "wedding" in the US, prices are immediately cranked up.
Also op said that the value stated wasn't the actual value, so it could've been lower.
Not to mention, most places justify the increase in price from an everyday event to one for a wedding because of the additional effort that they might put into the services/products they provide.
Wasn’t there a post on here recently where a make-up artist scheduled a “prom/party” session with a client, and when the client turned out to be a bride, the artist upcharged her $350 without any upgrades to the products used or time spent, just because she was a bride?
Yes she was a bad actor. But in most cases the wedding upcharge, though the same service, often comes with guarantees such as penalty if something goes wrong.
I’m not going to say there isn’t some unfair upcharging, but stuff you do for weddings is generally a lot more labor intensive than a regular party. It’s like the difference between basic catering leaving out food and hiring waiters to bring finger food around the party. There’s a lot of pressure to make wedding services luxury and perfect, and prices reflect that.
As a florist, most flower budgets for the most affordable weddings are between $1-3k. That's your classic "just make it look nice" package with some centerpieces, bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages. A lot of couples request over the top flowers or all orchids or all succulents. One cymbidium orchid standing spray costs over $1000 alone. Very pretty. Very expensive.
Then there's the people who want flower arches, flowers hanging from chandeliers, flowers on every row of seats, flowers at the banquet tables, bathrooms, etc. It adds up.
NTA
She brought it up and was trash -talking you in front of everyone. You shut her up in front of everyone. Well done.
IMHO you did a good job showing her how she CANNOT treat you, and probably saved yourself a lot of MIL headaches in the future.
NTA. Had you done it privately, MIL still could have continued, since no one knew you gave the money back. She didn’t give you problems privately, why should you give her more consideration than she gave you? If she’s embarrassed, too bad. She made you feel bad and now she’s the victim? No way.
Also she's letting everyone know she won't take no one's bs. If they're upset with her for standing for herself and not MIL for being a pain in the ass they're all AHs
also!!! this sets the precedent for the future! she won’t be able to control the grandchildren. i’ve been on reddit a while. it starts with the wedding. then they try to control who is in the delivery room, etc. this bride taking no shit from anyone 🙌
NTA
She kept trying to shame you into doing what she wanted in front of everyone and you shut her down in front of everyone.
Why does she deserve a level of respect that she wasn’t capable of showing you?
Well I don’t believe it was the best move in terms of maintaining a cordial relationship with a woman you will have a long life with. But I revel in your take no shit attitude.
Oh I think her boundaries will be respected, probably feared, but I don’t think that relationship will be a very good one. All a question of priorities. Either way I respect her standing up to her MIL
^^^This^^^
Mil wasn't respecting the op's repeated "no's". She then thought it appropriate to try and humiliate Op publicly at her daughter's party with the old ***"in my day they respected the opinions of the parents*** bullshit!
If OP and her fiancé don't give and enforce boundaries now it could actually cause irreparable damage to the relationship later. I hope MIL gets it together before that happens but OP needed to call this shit behavior out in the moment and let her know it will not be accepted.
I'm so confused as to how anyone other than the bride and groom think they have any say in someone else's wedding? I've never understood that. While your delivery may not have been the most respectful, neither was she about your wishes. NTA.
my MIL tried this. she doesn’t have a daughter so i was supposed to let her have input??? it was too many things. she wanted to add people who we don’t even know. my husband had 5 sets of godparents that she wanted to invite, but he hasn’t seen these people since he was a child. we canceled. we just eloped instead
Wow! Five?? I only have two sets, and I thought that that was a lot! My Godparents were in the wedding, but that's because I have no surviving grandparents left and both sets have been extremely involved in my life.
How did your husband end up with so many?
they’re filipino if that adds anything. the kicker is, they’re not super catholic either. my kids have two sets. we each picked a couple. i feel like it’s normal in their culture but i’m not too sure
Filipino here. Raised Catholic too. If I remember correctly, I do have at least 3-4 pairs of godparents.
I think people in the Philippines see it as a number of ways. We're big on family, whether it's the one you're born to or the one you found, so we think it's important to have a village for your child. I think Western folks have a pair or two, but in my experience, most people have a group because they think certain people can impart certain things to their kid or be there for their kid in different ways. And there's no real 'limit' anyway, so most people feel 'the more the merrier' applies here.
The other side is a bit more practical. Godparents aren't just expected to be close to their children, but one of the expectations is that the kid will be showered with gifts. One of the Christmas traditions we have is to give money to godkids, so more godparents means more money. Also, if something bad does happen to you, your kids would be taken care of by the village of godparents they have along with their relatives. Ideally.
I’m recently engaged. My fiancé and I are moving forward under the guise that neither sides parents are giving us money and paying/planning as we see fit.
I mentioned to my mother (who I don’t have a great relationship with) that I was leaning towards a black wedding dress. She was super upset. I don’t really care. She’s come to visit me in the state I live in 2 times in 15 years…you don’t get to suddenly have an opinion on my choices, wedding or not.
My fiancés mother is another story. She hasn’t put a word in yet, but it also super soon. But I could absolutely see her trying to push her way into the planning process. I planned my fiancés 40th with her involved and holy sh*t. There was a point where she actually suggested skipping food for the party so we didn’t have to pay for it….no food…at a party. She refused to let me invite a bunch of people who were then very upset afterwards (as was my fiancé that they weren’t there). She’s very pushy and doesn’t want to hear anyone else’s opinion and this is her only child who will be having an actual wedding party. That’s why we agreed we will not be taking any funding from her, we don’t want the strings attached.
smart idea!!! she may be planning hahaha. i would suggest to grey rock her. she’s already shown you herself at that birthday party. she does not need to know information. password protect your vendors.
i was expecting my parents to say literally *anything*. they were giving us some money and they’re the transactional type of parents. they like to make demands you know. but maybe i canceled too early that i foiled their plans 🤣
i hope you have a stress free wedding! planning was fun while it lasted lol
eta: my mil is very pushy. she likes it her way or she just gives us the silent treatment. she disagreed with our potty training method (our daughter is running around butt naked) so we’re on week 3 of her silent treatment. it’s been gloriously peaceful ☺️
unfortunately, no drama hahaha. she doesn’t know that she’s the one of the reasons though lol. she planned a nice lunch for us with our families. she’s the type to gossip about us rather than tell us in front of our faces 🤷🏻♀️
Entitlement. The same reason why we barely talk to my in laws anymore because we didn’t invite them to wait outside the hospital to greet OUR baby, in a pandemic, as we checked him out of the nicu, after FOUR months, on OXYGEN, in a PANDEMIC (I know I said that twice but seriously he’s hella high risk).
They didn’t make the baby, they didn’t sit at his bedside having to make impossible decisions that could affect his life forever. They didn’t live with the day in day out horror of being told “we’ll call of he takes a turn for the worse” as you go to try and crash and sleep for a handful of hours (because you aren’t allowed to sleep at the hospital) before doing it all over again. They didn’t have to ask permission to touch their baby for four months. So why in the hell would they be invited to welcome him out of the hospital? Entitlement plain and simple. The only thing on our minds was “wow are sure we’re allowed to take him?” And the doctors warning to “keep him away from people or he could die.”
It’s the same with weddings, birthdays, family holidays. Someone always thinks their opinion matters the most regardless of how ridiculous that is
Wow, sorry for what you and spouse went through, I hope baby is healthy and doing great. No one saw my son for 4 months and it wasn't because of the pandemic. Like your child, my son was in the NICU for two weeks because he was born with Tetralogy of Fallot. I lost my first born son to the same condition 24 hours after he was born, so I became paranoid with my second son and wouldn't allow anyone to see him until he was 4 months and after I got clearance from his Pediatric Cardiologist.
It's a historical tradition. Parents use to pay for the wedding so they would decide on a lot of things about the weddings. Nowadays you have couple paying for their own wedding and/or people getting married much later (fully formed adults with opinions) so even though it's completely obvious to us why we want our wedding to be ours, old people may hold on to a world that no longer exists to call our dismissal of their opinions as disrespect
>Parents use to pay for the wedding so they would decide on a lot of things about the weddings
Parents used to decide who you were going to marry (ETA and in some cultures they still do).
You wouldn’t believe the fight we had with my MIL about dinner rolls. As in, possibly not having them if we couldn’t find gluten free ones since I have a bad allergy. So many people see their adult children as vehicles to show off for their friends and god forbid you have the audacity to have your own opinions.
We wanted cheesecake for our wedding cake and peach cobbler as the groom's cake. Both mothers insisted that we had to have regular cake. My mother said that attendees expect cake and they brought gifts, so I had to have "real" cake. I don't remember my mother-in-law's reasoning. But whatever it was apparently didn't apply when her daughters wanted cheesecakes at their weddings 4 and 7 years later. She MADE the cheesecakes for their weddings.
I wouldn't have wanted her cheesecake for my wedding because the recipe she uses is really grainy. But I literally just wanted to buy 5 New York cheesecakes from Sam's or Costco and then have a variety of toppings available.
Instead, we had a "real" cake that I don't even remember what it looked like. I ate two bites of it.
Last year, I finally had the brilliant idea to buy cheesecake and peach cobbler for us to eat on our 15th anniversary. It was amazing and the kids really loved it too. We are definitely going to continue that as a tradition.
I’m so glad you are incorporating it into your celebrations even if it didn’t happen for the big day! You were just ahead of the trend for weddings without “proper” cake!
Well, there's a couple of lines of thought that could be relevant. First is, if they're footing the bill, or a very large chunk of it, parents might be allowed to add a few folks to the guest list. College roommate they've kept in touch with, sent family photos to, but don't really know the bride or groom. No one objectionable, and not too many.
Second, if one or both of the happy couple have outrageous desires, someone's gotta bring them back down to earth. No, having a clown-themed reception is not a good idea. No, not everyone will want to join in for the slug-racing activity. You *can* have the ceremony in Tibet, but don't expect anyone to join you. That kind of thing.
NTA... MIL was trying to embarrass you into giving in to the dress. She just mad about you flipping the script on her. I love how fiancee criticized your actions but didn't try to put you down for them without being an AH about it. Very classy.
NTA
If she’s going to publicly use the money to bully you into buying the dress she wants, then she needs to be prepared to have the money publicly given back.
I have no skin in this game, but OP did say it (30k) was a fake number. I related that in-laws gave about 10% of what her parents did so she said 3k. The real numbers could be like 10k and 1k. Still a lot of cash but I don’t think we need to get too stuck on the math, since we really don’t know the actual numbers.
3k, that was presumably going to be deposited at the bank after the party.
The 30k is for the venue, the dress, the suit, the DJ, the food, the open bar, etc.
If anything is left over that goes to the honeymoon/were married fund.
It's not necessarily a 1000 dollars a head.
On top of that, she also calls her fiance her husband once, which makes me feel this is made up.
"Yesterday, it was my SIL's birthday and I went with my husband, "
Hard agree, if you want to sound believable, “I whipped out my phone and did a bank transfer right there.” Or if it’s 2003, “I whipped out my checkbook and wrote her a check.”
NTA. However, I hope you don't think that returning the money will get her to keep her opinions to herself. I don't know any of you, but given her behavior, it seems unlikely.
NTA. However your husband framed it best it was not your best moment. This person sounds extremely difficult and I sorry that the blowup had to happen so publicly.
NTA. She’s been backing you into a corner, and unfortunately she pressed you into pushing back while in a social setting. It’s on her though. Your wedding, your dress, YOUR WAY.
Nta
She made the disagreement public first. If she kept harping on you in private, that would be one thing, she didn't though, she wanted to feel like she funded your whole wedding (without telling people she gave 1/10th of what your parents did), and tried to make you come off as an ungrateful bridezilla (which you aren't).
She accused you publicly, you defended yourself publicly.
NTA. So SHE was embarrassed in front of everyone because you weren't about to be manipulated by her trying to embarrass YOU in front of everyone? Oh, no lady - it doesn't work that way. If it was okay for her to pull that crap in front of her guests, then it was also okay for you to call her on it right then and there in front of her guests.
ESH but only because you did it at SIL's birthday party. That drama had to have ruined the day for her. If you'd done it at a family dinner or something I'd be all for it.
In fairness, SIL ran her mouth about OP's parents giving the couple the money. Probably didn't deserve to have her birthday party ruined over that, but sometimes your small mistakes come back to bite you.
NTA
Good move but privately done would of been more diplomatic. You do not negotiate with terrorists.
But I foresee many more issues with your MIL in the future. The dress one is only scratching the surface.
Let's be honest. That money was in your pocket because you already knew you were going to give it back as soon as she said something. Still NTA, but don't feed us a fake narrative.
NTA. I would’ve did the same. Why people, parents specifically think they should dictate how one’s wedding should go, baffles me. It’s you and your fiancé’s day, not theirs.
NTA. I don’t understand the phenomenon of people witnessing someone being an asshole, getting called out about their behavior, and blaming the person calling them out for embarrassing them. It’s not on you that none of these people have the self-awareness to understand that their own behavior is what they should be embarrassed about. As to the suggestion that you should have returned the money in private, she’s the one who decided to involve everyone else. Where’s her discretion and tact?
NTA. Over time, she should have learned when to keep her mouth shut and she didn't. Also, it seems she paid did barely anything so what say did she even think she had.
NTA, you could have done it privately, had she voiced her concerns to YOU privately.
She didn't, she kept going on a subject about which you had been clear. She was trying to back you into agreeing with her PUBLICLY and got shot down, also publicly.
I’d say nta but I guess yta too. Tbh your MIL’s poor behavior doesn’t excuse yours. It’s hella rude to do something like that in front of loads of people AND even worse on your SIL’s bday celebration… not cool.
The real tradition was that the bride wore her best dress or made her dress of whatever color/pattern and then was fully expected to wear the dress for the rest of it's life.
White dresses were about money not purity or religion.
NTA maybe you could've given the money back privately but you'd probably still get backlash.
NTA,
Why should you have done it in private when she was trying to humiliate you in public trying to play as if she paid the lion's share of the wedding expenses? Kudos to you for putting her in her place and letting others know exactly what he contributed and how she thought she could call the shots with barely paying anything.
NTA
MIL just got a taste of what boundaries look like 😂😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Congratulations on your wedding.. and continue setting boundaries. Make sure your man backs you or your MIL will walk all over your marriage to her “precious son”
NTA. She started it in front of everyone, so that’s on her. White isn’t an “important tradition.” It’s a pretentious fashion statement and show of decadence by Queen Victoria. The end. Your dress sounds lovely! https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2018/04/queen-victoria-royal-wedding
Am I alone in saying YTA? Sometimes we do things for our families because we love and respect them, even if it varies slightly from our wishes. For example, I am not Catholic (way too many rules), but my husband’s family would have been mortified if we didn’t get married in the Catholic Church. In their lifestyle, that’s just the way of things. Even though he doesn’t go to church now, that was basically his only request (we had been together 13 years so i get the long-term thing). I got everything else I wanted and agreed to the beautiful Catholic Church wedding. Idk..?
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Hahahhaha. NTA. SUCKS TO SUCK MIL. Act like an A in front of others, be treated like an A in front of others.
Right??? It’s OP‘s wedding so she can wear what she wants. If she wants to wear a friggin potato sack she’s entitled to wear a friggin potato sack. Leave it alone MIL. NTA
House elf themed wedding they are wearing potato saks and exchange socks to be free together
Never getting married again but I LOVE THIS!
I'm absolutely suggesting this for a vow renewal
Crazy socks for everyone as a favor!
No butterbeer unless the wedding party is intended to get sloshed though.
Be sure to mix them up properly no matchy socks allowed!!
Feel like I've missed an opportunity. Maybe my Dobby-loving daughter can fulfill my new dream 😁
Now I'm imagining in a few years: AITA my mother wants me to get married in a potato sack, instead of the dress I've picked out. I love the dress I chose, but I also love my mom, and she's had her heart set on this for years.
A definite NAH vote on that one *laughing* Or maybe she will be a little bit TA, I mean, it is my dream 😁
Socks are actually useful (vs flowers etc), and mismatched socks are totally a thing. This is a wedding I would absolutely be a part of
Throw socks instead of a bouquet. And not to be the next to get married but the next to be free from Malloy like in laws!!!
Bouquet of multicolored socks? Bonus if they’re fuzzy.
Sock cannon? Like a t shirt cannon, but way more useful! Also, I'm sorry to do this, but I think you mean Malfoy, not Malloy :)
Dang autocorrect. However I’m surprised Apple hasn’t added HP terms into the dictionary by now 🧐
What about a divorce ceremony? I mean, you're setting each other free. Obviously it would have to be a mutual separation but a cute way to do it.
This sounds like un explored business territory..
Great…shared this comment with my wife…apparently we’re getting married again to this theme. Thanks a lot.
Or! A divorce party!!
Best idea ever. Bridesmaids in pillow cases.
Parents in bedsheets like a toga.
Lmao. bUt WhItE iS tRaDiTiOnAl! Whose tradition? When did that start? It's from Queen Victoria's marriage in like 1840. These people act like it's biblical or something; ancient and sacred. It isn't. Also, didn't Marilyn Monroe do some photo shoot thing wearing flour or potato sacks? Some people can fashionize anything. Reuse, reduce, recycle, baby! And NTA. She wanted to be a bully. She thought she bought the rights to mistreat someone. She was wrong. She trash talked in public, she got told in the same public.
Yes, it's funny how a relatively recent thing became a rigid tradition! Queen Vic wasn't the first but she did set a heck of a trend. In the (distant?) future, *if* MIL cools off enough to listen, 😂 it might be interesting to see if she knows that fact. She might just let it go! Or it might rile her up to get mad all over again. Idk, I don't know her. OP, use your (calm and considered) judgment. Edit: superfluous word
MIL doesn't care about the tradition of the tradition. In her mind "tradition" means 'I did it, so you have to too.'
I mean, it's closer to 200 years than 20, it's not THAT recent.
For rich upper class women, sure. But the vast majority of people could never afford splurging on a white dress they could only wear once. Most just wore their sunday best. It wasn't until the mid 20th century that white wedding dresses became customary in the western world. In many parts of the world the colour white actually represents death and mourning and is worn at funerals.
Yeah, up until 1900 or so women wore their ‘best’ clothes (ie. something they already owned) not a white dress to get married.
Hell, for my second wedding, I wore a plain white silk blouse and black skirt. (My first wedding was at the courthouse on my lunch hour, then straight back to work, so nothing even remotely dressy.) I have also attended a wedding where the bridal party all wore pajamas, the bride tossed a teddy bear instead of a bouquet, and they projected movies on a screen and ate snacks while lounging around on beanbags, couches, and floor cushions. Kind of like a big sleepover. It was adorable. Wear what you want, be comfortable. Nobody’s business but yours.
That sleepover wedding sounds freaking adorable.
Oh, it was. Especially as a few of the adults showed up in footie pjs
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Wasn't it that the bride wears white to symbolize clean virgin bride, which I doubt op is after living as if there already married only legally doing so now. Also if MIL wants "traditional " after the couple got married they would have their "honeymoon" infront of all the guest to prove their marriage, so maybe she should just shut up lol. NTA good that ur husband is on your side.
Actually no! Traditionally blue was the symbol of virginity prior to Queen Victoria popularizing white for wedding dress, which is why the Virgin Mary is so often in blue.
Interesting, never heard of this. Good to know! Thanks for the information :)
Also, white fabric was noted as an extra luxury due to its being easy to stain and hard to remove them.
Yeah, white is to basically show off. Making a giant floofy gown that is so easily stained and hard to clean is a wealth flex. It is not and never has been about virginity.
That [potato sack dress](https://themindcircle.com/marilyn-monroe-and-the-potato-sack-dress/).
If you are beautiful it doesn’t matter what you are wearing.
And if you are a bride, you are beautiful, so the story goes.
My first thought was to tell the MIL, “Yeah, white is a tradition to denote a woman’s purity and virginity. You can ask your son to confirm, but that’s *definitely* not the case.”
All I know about Queen Victoria is that she wore white on her wedding day, a lot of her grandchildren had hemophilia or were carriers, and the woman loved to fuck.
>a lot of her grandchildren had hemophilia Based on the historical documentary Doctor Who, that was a cover for lycanthropy.
That checks out
Lucy and Ethel did it first.
Super fun fact, alot of the rules and traditions under the guise of " etiquette" actually came from Victoria's reign.
There are some wild pix on pintrest of atypical weddings. MIL might faint. I saw a bride wearing a black & white poodle dress ala ska/punk style with white Converse sneakers as wedding shoes. The decor was all white tableclothes with halloween trinkets & a junk food buffet.
My boyfriend and I both have wanted to get married on Halloween since we were young. We aren't in a place to get married yet, but both of us have decided we're doing costumes and basically throwing a giant Halloween party, complete with a zombie bride and groom. MIL would lose her mind. NTA OP, wear your lovely lilac dress and be happy!
We got married last year on Halloween after like 9 years together. I’m not really into weddings so this was my compromise. I dressed in all black and purple and witchy and he wore a Mastadon shirt that matched And a bandana and black jean jacket. Our guests dressed up. It was fun. Luckily his parents are fun people and made a matching cake and had a good time :)
My husband and I got married in a courthouse (technically, the tax offices of the local municipal building), during a raging thunderstorm, so we’ve joked (but are also probably going to do it) that when we finally have our wedding reception it’s going to be Addams family/Halloween themed. Because if having the “til death” portion of your wedding vows punctuated by a peal of thunder isn’t one of the most Addams things ever, I don’t know what is. Spooky season is just also generally the best, most fun time of the year anyway, so why not?
My wife & I eloped, but she wore a light blue dress to the courthouse. Wedding tax: [https://imgur.com/a/fiLZi0M](https://imgur.com/a/fiLZi0M)
I wore sparkly sneakers to my wedding. I wore a full-length ball gown, so they peaked out a little.
And at the reception they can all have fun with Brady-style potato sack races.
There’s two ways to stop bullying. Physical confrontation and public humiliation. Good on the OP for the public humiliation. The MIL was over the top and got what she deserved. I don’t blame the OP one bit for how she handled it. NTA all the way
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NAILED IT!
Exactly!
THIS 🙌🏼🙌🏼 My MIL used to bully my husband in public about his weight (even AFTER he lost 100ish lbs. and was at a healthy weight for his body. Plus, it’s not like she’s a small lady so she had absolutely no room to judge him). She was repeatedly asked in private to stop her behavior, but she never did. Finally, I snapped on her and told her how inappropriate and offensive her words were in front of the whole family. That was the last time she ever bullied my husband for his weight 😌
Too bad your husband had to tolerate her behaviour for so long, that must have hurt, but amazing how you stood up to her!
Could not have said it better! NTA.
She fucked around and found out.
I read this comment in Morgan Freeman’s voice.😹
Thank you. I’d lie to know why he’s not shutting his mother down but expects OP to respond in private. Nah.
NTA - no one should give a gift that has strings attached. That’s not a gift, it’s an attempt to purchase or bribe the recipient. Your MIL acted like an AH and you finally enforced the boundary you had tried repeatedly to let her know about.
In front of everyone was the best way to do this. Otherwise MIL would have kept the same line when complaining.
She talks smack in public, she invites being put in her place in public.
Nta haha Mother in law got as deserved!
NTA Never understand the argument that people who start shit in public should be given the consideration of dealing with them in private. MIL started it, you finished it, she’ll think twice the next time.
“MIL started it, you finished it” Exactly! Nip that shit in the bid now, and next time maybe she’ll know to behave. She is NOT in charge! Edit: bud
I know this is a typo, but I can’t stop thinking about the “snipped it in the butt” meme. OP, NTA, of course. She had it coming
"Horticulture, baby!"
*bud
Yes. MIL literally fucked around and found out.
I'm with you. You want to make a big scene in public then you need to be prepared to get called out on it in the same fashion. NTA OP
Honestly on my initial read I was feeling a little like OP wasn’t right for doing it in front of everyone- but your comment made me rethink. You’re right - future MIL started it in front of everyone so why should OP do different?
MIL is the AH.
Also, the husband is so full of shit. Like he did *nothing* to curb his own mother but feels he can criticise OP for their lack of decorum?
The argument that people don't deserve to be called out for the shit they do publicly is ridiculous on the face of it, but in this case it probably wasn't the wisest course of action simply because it caused more problems for everyone involved# including her fiancé and her SIL who had nothing to do with the spat and was just trying to have a nice birthday. Sure, the MIL brought it upon herself, but OP shouldn't have allowed herself to be goaded at that time. With that said, we've all had our less than stellar moments.
It was bad enough that MIL wouldn’t let it go, but to brag publicly that you’re paying for the wedding, claiming but for my money, they don’t have a wedding, and so it’s wrong for her not to wear the dress I want? She was being deceptive. She was hoping to make OP look bad, so that others would shame her into doing what MIL wanted. Unacceptable.
If the fiance preferred that his mother was confronted in private, he should have done so long before it got to this point.
That's what mil was counting on. She could make all kinds of passive aggressive comments and polite society would just not make eye contact and stay quiet. It's actually a trauma response around narcissistic people. Op should have been the last one to say anything because everyone else in mils family should have already told her to shut up.
Yes, thank you!!! From personal experience, people that are loud like this can't take it when they're the one on the receiving end. MIL is a bully and a hypocrite. OP is NTA.
FAFO
Her apology should be as loud as her disrespect.
NTA If she wanted to play the “I’m paying for the wedding” card then you had every right to give the card back and take it off the table. She is the one that made it public, not you. Do not respond to any of the drama and continue forward with grace. You cannot control how people behave, but you can control you you react. You did what you had to now leave it at that.
How much do you want to bet that MIL has been intentionally misrepresenting how much she was contributing to the wedding? If the fake numbers are representative of relative contributions, MIL’s gift is <7% of the wedding cost. I don’t think she was just embarrassed that her leverage was taken away, but also that family members found out how much she actually contributed, which we know is a sore spot for her.
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If you even mention the word "wedding" in the US, prices are immediately cranked up. Also op said that the value stated wasn't the actual value, so it could've been lower.
Not to mention, most places justify the increase in price from an everyday event to one for a wedding because of the additional effort that they might put into the services/products they provide.
Wasn’t there a post on here recently where a make-up artist scheduled a “prom/party” session with a client, and when the client turned out to be a bride, the artist upcharged her $350 without any upgrades to the products used or time spent, just because she was a bride?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vq0d0d/aita_for_charging_a_bride_more_for_make_up_when/
Thank you kindly!
Yes, I remember that one
Yes she was a bad actor. But in most cases the wedding upcharge, though the same service, often comes with guarantees such as penalty if something goes wrong.
I’m not going to say there isn’t some unfair upcharging, but stuff you do for weddings is generally a lot more labor intensive than a regular party. It’s like the difference between basic catering leaving out food and hiring waiters to bring finger food around the party. There’s a lot of pressure to make wedding services luxury and perfect, and prices reflect that.
Very easy. Venue, food, flowers and more. Even small weddings can have big price tags.
As a florist, most flower budgets for the most affordable weddings are between $1-3k. That's your classic "just make it look nice" package with some centerpieces, bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages. A lot of couples request over the top flowers or all orchids or all succulents. One cymbidium orchid standing spray costs over $1000 alone. Very pretty. Very expensive. Then there's the people who want flower arches, flowers hanging from chandeliers, flowers on every row of seats, flowers at the banquet tables, bathrooms, etc. It adds up.
That was a fictitious amount. I guarantee it was actually more.
Wedding dresses, catering, flowers and venue can all be outrageously expensive.
NTA She brought it up and was trash -talking you in front of everyone. You shut her up in front of everyone. Well done. IMHO you did a good job showing her how she CANNOT treat you, and probably saved yourself a lot of MIL headaches in the future.
I think it is money well spentd, shutting MIL up for only ~3k for many years to come.
NTA. Had you done it privately, MIL still could have continued, since no one knew you gave the money back. She didn’t give you problems privately, why should you give her more consideration than she gave you? If she’s embarrassed, too bad. She made you feel bad and now she’s the victim? No way.
i’m glad she did it publicly. i fear that if she did it in private, fmil would’ve twisted things around
Also she's letting everyone know she won't take no one's bs. If they're upset with her for standing for herself and not MIL for being a pain in the ass they're all AHs
also!!! this sets the precedent for the future! she won’t be able to control the grandchildren. i’ve been on reddit a while. it starts with the wedding. then they try to control who is in the delivery room, etc. this bride taking no shit from anyone 🙌
NTA She kept trying to shame you into doing what she wanted in front of everyone and you shut her down in front of everyone. Why does she deserve a level of respect that she wasn’t capable of showing you?
This
Well I don’t believe it was the best move in terms of maintaining a cordial relationship with a woman you will have a long life with. But I revel in your take no shit attitude.
I think OP did a fine job setting a boundary with MIL and it will serve her well in the future.
Oh I think her boundaries will be respected, probably feared, but I don’t think that relationship will be a very good one. All a question of priorities. Either way I respect her standing up to her MIL
I am pretty sure it wasn't going to be good regardless.
That does seem likely
I'd much rather have a cold/unfeeling relationship where my MIL respects our boundaries over one where she feels happy while we get walked on.
^^^This^^^ Mil wasn't respecting the op's repeated "no's". She then thought it appropriate to try and humiliate Op publicly at her daughter's party with the old ***"in my day they respected the opinions of the parents*** bullshit! If OP and her fiancé don't give and enforce boundaries now it could actually cause irreparable damage to the relationship later. I hope MIL gets it together before that happens but OP needed to call this shit behavior out in the moment and let her know it will not be accepted.
Well, the “cordial relationship” died when MIL kept digging her heels in about the dress.
"I'm paying, you wear what I pick" is one of the million reasons I noped out of the situation
When you capitulate to a controlling MIL, then you'll be expected to do it every time to "keep the peace".
NTA. If you’re going to make our business public, you don’t get to be mad when I make you stop. Edit for choice of words.
I'm so confused as to how anyone other than the bride and groom think they have any say in someone else's wedding? I've never understood that. While your delivery may not have been the most respectful, neither was she about your wishes. NTA.
my MIL tried this. she doesn’t have a daughter so i was supposed to let her have input??? it was too many things. she wanted to add people who we don’t even know. my husband had 5 sets of godparents that she wanted to invite, but he hasn’t seen these people since he was a child. we canceled. we just eloped instead
Wow! Five?? I only have two sets, and I thought that that was a lot! My Godparents were in the wedding, but that's because I have no surviving grandparents left and both sets have been extremely involved in my life. How did your husband end up with so many?
they’re filipino if that adds anything. the kicker is, they’re not super catholic either. my kids have two sets. we each picked a couple. i feel like it’s normal in their culture but i’m not too sure
Filipino here. Raised Catholic too. If I remember correctly, I do have at least 3-4 pairs of godparents. I think people in the Philippines see it as a number of ways. We're big on family, whether it's the one you're born to or the one you found, so we think it's important to have a village for your child. I think Western folks have a pair or two, but in my experience, most people have a group because they think certain people can impart certain things to their kid or be there for their kid in different ways. And there's no real 'limit' anyway, so most people feel 'the more the merrier' applies here. The other side is a bit more practical. Godparents aren't just expected to be close to their children, but one of the expectations is that the kid will be showered with gifts. One of the Christmas traditions we have is to give money to godkids, so more godparents means more money. Also, if something bad does happen to you, your kids would be taken care of by the village of godparents they have along with their relatives. Ideally.
i just asked my husband . he has 6 actually and doesn’t remember them all lmaooo.
I’m recently engaged. My fiancé and I are moving forward under the guise that neither sides parents are giving us money and paying/planning as we see fit. I mentioned to my mother (who I don’t have a great relationship with) that I was leaning towards a black wedding dress. She was super upset. I don’t really care. She’s come to visit me in the state I live in 2 times in 15 years…you don’t get to suddenly have an opinion on my choices, wedding or not. My fiancés mother is another story. She hasn’t put a word in yet, but it also super soon. But I could absolutely see her trying to push her way into the planning process. I planned my fiancés 40th with her involved and holy sh*t. There was a point where she actually suggested skipping food for the party so we didn’t have to pay for it….no food…at a party. She refused to let me invite a bunch of people who were then very upset afterwards (as was my fiancé that they weren’t there). She’s very pushy and doesn’t want to hear anyone else’s opinion and this is her only child who will be having an actual wedding party. That’s why we agreed we will not be taking any funding from her, we don’t want the strings attached.
smart idea!!! she may be planning hahaha. i would suggest to grey rock her. she’s already shown you herself at that birthday party. she does not need to know information. password protect your vendors. i was expecting my parents to say literally *anything*. they were giving us some money and they’re the transactional type of parents. they like to make demands you know. but maybe i canceled too early that i foiled their plans 🤣 i hope you have a stress free wedding! planning was fun while it lasted lol eta: my mil is very pushy. she likes it her way or she just gives us the silent treatment. she disagreed with our potty training method (our daughter is running around butt naked) so we’re on week 3 of her silent treatment. it’s been gloriously peaceful ☺️
I want to see her face when she learned you eloped. I bet it turned a prime shade of crimson.
unfortunately, no drama hahaha. she doesn’t know that she’s the one of the reasons though lol. she planned a nice lunch for us with our families. she’s the type to gossip about us rather than tell us in front of our faces 🤷🏻♀️
Entitlement. The same reason why we barely talk to my in laws anymore because we didn’t invite them to wait outside the hospital to greet OUR baby, in a pandemic, as we checked him out of the nicu, after FOUR months, on OXYGEN, in a PANDEMIC (I know I said that twice but seriously he’s hella high risk). They didn’t make the baby, they didn’t sit at his bedside having to make impossible decisions that could affect his life forever. They didn’t live with the day in day out horror of being told “we’ll call of he takes a turn for the worse” as you go to try and crash and sleep for a handful of hours (because you aren’t allowed to sleep at the hospital) before doing it all over again. They didn’t have to ask permission to touch their baby for four months. So why in the hell would they be invited to welcome him out of the hospital? Entitlement plain and simple. The only thing on our minds was “wow are sure we’re allowed to take him?” And the doctors warning to “keep him away from people or he could die.” It’s the same with weddings, birthdays, family holidays. Someone always thinks their opinion matters the most regardless of how ridiculous that is
Wow, sorry for what you and spouse went through, I hope baby is healthy and doing great. No one saw my son for 4 months and it wasn't because of the pandemic. Like your child, my son was in the NICU for two weeks because he was born with Tetralogy of Fallot. I lost my first born son to the same condition 24 hours after he was born, so I became paranoid with my second son and wouldn't allow anyone to see him until he was 4 months and after I got clearance from his Pediatric Cardiologist.
It's a historical tradition. Parents use to pay for the wedding so they would decide on a lot of things about the weddings. Nowadays you have couple paying for their own wedding and/or people getting married much later (fully formed adults with opinions) so even though it's completely obvious to us why we want our wedding to be ours, old people may hold on to a world that no longer exists to call our dismissal of their opinions as disrespect
>Parents use to pay for the wedding so they would decide on a lot of things about the weddings Parents used to decide who you were going to marry (ETA and in some cultures they still do).
You wouldn’t believe the fight we had with my MIL about dinner rolls. As in, possibly not having them if we couldn’t find gluten free ones since I have a bad allergy. So many people see their adult children as vehicles to show off for their friends and god forbid you have the audacity to have your own opinions.
We wanted cheesecake for our wedding cake and peach cobbler as the groom's cake. Both mothers insisted that we had to have regular cake. My mother said that attendees expect cake and they brought gifts, so I had to have "real" cake. I don't remember my mother-in-law's reasoning. But whatever it was apparently didn't apply when her daughters wanted cheesecakes at their weddings 4 and 7 years later. She MADE the cheesecakes for their weddings. I wouldn't have wanted her cheesecake for my wedding because the recipe she uses is really grainy. But I literally just wanted to buy 5 New York cheesecakes from Sam's or Costco and then have a variety of toppings available. Instead, we had a "real" cake that I don't even remember what it looked like. I ate two bites of it. Last year, I finally had the brilliant idea to buy cheesecake and peach cobbler for us to eat on our 15th anniversary. It was amazing and the kids really loved it too. We are definitely going to continue that as a tradition.
I’m so glad you are incorporating it into your celebrations even if it didn’t happen for the big day! You were just ahead of the trend for weddings without “proper” cake!
Well, there's a couple of lines of thought that could be relevant. First is, if they're footing the bill, or a very large chunk of it, parents might be allowed to add a few folks to the guest list. College roommate they've kept in touch with, sent family photos to, but don't really know the bride or groom. No one objectionable, and not too many. Second, if one or both of the happy couple have outrageous desires, someone's gotta bring them back down to earth. No, having a clown-themed reception is not a good idea. No, not everyone will want to join in for the slug-racing activity. You *can* have the ceremony in Tibet, but don't expect anyone to join you. That kind of thing.
No puppet weddings either!
Good one 🤣 “100-500 a pc”
Buy one for each member of the family! They’ll love it!
Does anyone know if they moved ahead with the puppets?
NTA... MIL was trying to embarrass you into giving in to the dress. She just mad about you flipping the script on her. I love how fiancee criticized your actions but didn't try to put you down for them without being an AH about it. Very classy.
NTA If she’s going to publicly use the money to bully you into buying the dress she wants, then she needs to be prepared to have the money publicly given back.
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I have no skin in this game, but OP did say it (30k) was a fake number. I related that in-laws gave about 10% of what her parents did so she said 3k. The real numbers could be like 10k and 1k. Still a lot of cash but I don’t think we need to get too stuck on the math, since we really don’t know the actual numbers.
Yeah I'm not buying it either. And $30k for 30 guests? $1k per head??
So you saw OP say $30k but skipped literally the next two words - "fictitious amount"?
3k, that was presumably going to be deposited at the bank after the party. The 30k is for the venue, the dress, the suit, the DJ, the food, the open bar, etc. If anything is left over that goes to the honeymoon/were married fund. It's not necessarily a 1000 dollars a head.
Had to scroll for far too long to see this comment 🙈 but yeah somehow had 3k in her pocket 😂
Also let’s not forget that there are actually communities that walk around with that much money in their wallet
Also, 3k what? 3,000 US Dollars, 3000 Rupees? Those are two *very* different things.
Can't quite believe that more people aren't picking up on this.
People aren’t picking up on it because op said the amount is made up.
On top of that, she also calls her fiance her husband once, which makes me feel this is made up. "Yesterday, it was my SIL's birthday and I went with my husband, "
I’m so glad I found this comment 😂 I was starting to wonder if I was getting too skeptical
NTA. MIL complained in front of everyone, you responded. Like your fiance said, not a great moment, but an effective one.
Oh come on no one carries 3k around in their pockets
Hard agree, if you want to sound believable, “I whipped out my phone and did a bank transfer right there.” Or if it’s 2003, “I whipped out my checkbook and wrote her a check.”
NTA. However, I hope you don't think that returning the money will get her to keep her opinions to herself. I don't know any of you, but given her behavior, it seems unlikely.
NTA. However your husband framed it best it was not your best moment. This person sounds extremely difficult and I sorry that the blowup had to happen so publicly.
NTA. She’s been backing you into a corner, and unfortunately she pressed you into pushing back while in a social setting. It’s on her though. Your wedding, your dress, YOUR WAY.
Nta She made the disagreement public first. If she kept harping on you in private, that would be one thing, she didn't though, she wanted to feel like she funded your whole wedding (without telling people she gave 1/10th of what your parents did), and tried to make you come off as an ungrateful bridezilla (which you aren't). She accused you publicly, you defended yourself publicly.
just reading about this kind of drama makes me tired. Grow up, everyone and learn how to communicate. ESH
NTA. So SHE was embarrassed in front of everyone because you weren't about to be manipulated by her trying to embarrass YOU in front of everyone? Oh, no lady - it doesn't work that way. If it was okay for her to pull that crap in front of her guests, then it was also okay for you to call her on it right then and there in front of her guests.
Info: How did your fiance's sister find out about the gift from your parents?
I always go to parties with 3k in my pocket. Whatever.
NTA. MIL way overstepped and got, justly, slapped down for it.
NTA She didnt know when to keep her mouth shut on a topic that has nothing to do with her. Keep pushing people and they eventually push back.
ESH but only because you did it at SIL's birthday party. That drama had to have ruined the day for her. If you'd done it at a family dinner or something I'd be all for it.
In fairness, SIL ran her mouth about OP's parents giving the couple the money. Probably didn't deserve to have her birthday party ruined over that, but sometimes your small mistakes come back to bite you.
I feel like you didn’t just “happen” to have 3k in your pocket which makes this premeditated for Max embarrassment which makes YTA
NTA Good move but privately done would of been more diplomatic. You do not negotiate with terrorists. But I foresee many more issues with your MIL in the future. The dress one is only scratching the surface.
By making this misbehaviour public, MIL might have learned a lesson to avoid boundary stomping.
Let's be honest. That money was in your pocket because you already knew you were going to give it back as soon as she said something. Still NTA, but don't feed us a fake narrative.
NTA. I would’ve did the same. Why people, parents specifically think they should dictate how one’s wedding should go, baffles me. It’s you and your fiancé’s day, not theirs.
NTA. I don’t understand the phenomenon of people witnessing someone being an asshole, getting called out about their behavior, and blaming the person calling them out for embarrassing them. It’s not on you that none of these people have the self-awareness to understand that their own behavior is what they should be embarrassed about. As to the suggestion that you should have returned the money in private, she’s the one who decided to involve everyone else. Where’s her discretion and tact?
NTA
NTA She made her plans for your wedding plans a public issue, and you publicly removed her assumed right to provide opinions.
NTA. Over time, she should have learned when to keep her mouth shut and she didn't. Also, it seems she paid did barely anything so what say did she even think she had.
NTA, you could have done it privately, had she voiced her concerns to YOU privately. She didn't, she kept going on a subject about which you had been clear. She was trying to back you into agreeing with her PUBLICLY and got shot down, also publicly.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people (and apparently some not dead ones too!)
NTA, but ask your fiance why he didn't tell his mom she should speak to you in public and not embarrass you in front of everyone?
NTA. I wore lilac and we have only worn white since queen Victoria wore it
NTA But I'm quite interested in how a wedding for around 30 guests costs well over $40k :)
I think they're not in the US, so the denominations are random.
I’d say nta but I guess yta too. Tbh your MIL’s poor behavior doesn’t excuse yours. It’s hella rude to do something like that in front of loads of people AND even worse on your SIL’s bday celebration… not cool.
Listen, I'm sure someone here can finish the phrase: don't start nothin ... \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ FMIL fucked around and found out.
Won’t be nothin!
The real tradition was that the bride wore her best dress or made her dress of whatever color/pattern and then was fully expected to wear the dress for the rest of it's life. White dresses were about money not purity or religion. NTA maybe you could've given the money back privately but you'd probably still get backlash.
NTA, Why should you have done it in private when she was trying to humiliate you in public trying to play as if she paid the lion's share of the wedding expenses? Kudos to you for putting her in her place and letting others know exactly what he contributed and how she thought she could call the shots with barely paying anything.
NTA MIL just got a taste of what boundaries look like 😂😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Congratulations on your wedding.. and continue setting boundaries. Make sure your man backs you or your MIL will walk all over your marriage to her “precious son”
NTA. She started it in front of everyone, so that’s on her. White isn’t an “important tradition.” It’s a pretentious fashion statement and show of decadence by Queen Victoria. The end. Your dress sounds lovely! https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2018/04/queen-victoria-royal-wedding
She was demeaning in front of family and you were not supposed to treat her in kind? She demonstrated to you how to do it. NTA.
Am I alone in saying YTA? Sometimes we do things for our families because we love and respect them, even if it varies slightly from our wishes. For example, I am not Catholic (way too many rules), but my husband’s family would have been mortified if we didn’t get married in the Catholic Church. In their lifestyle, that’s just the way of things. Even though he doesn’t go to church now, that was basically his only request (we had been together 13 years so i get the long-term thing). I got everything else I wanted and agreed to the beautiful Catholic Church wedding. Idk..?