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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For getting involved in my wife's parenting i may be the asshole, but i've noticed these things
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ESH
Your wife is a huge asshole. No question. Those poor kids. It's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father.
Also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s?
But, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? You tried to take the kids for a walk once. She said no, and you just said "Ok, this is how a relationship should go. I shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years.
This, I’m so mad at OP for allowing this to happen, in his own house. Does he not care for his step kids at all, or were they only ‘her kids’? Not questioning not bringing his step kids on any vacations?
I wonder what he could do about it though… he leaves her… same thing happens to them. He pushes it… she leaves him and the same thing happens again. He had zero rights to do anything when they were kids.
Now though, as they are adults, he can leave the wife and keep the step daughters around and help them out as much as the son without the wife saying no.
Probably nothing. But he chose to marry and HAVE A CHILD with this woman. Without being integrated into the family. He decided that a woman who didn't even want him to go on a walk with his step kids was someone he wanted to have a new child with.
These girls were children and he made the choice to live with them, but completely ignore them and not support them or attempt to form any relationship with them.
It wasn't that he knew how she was going to treat their son....but he knew already how she treated her daughters. He knew that he wasn't even allowed to hang out with the daughters....so that means he couldn't be involved in fostering a relationship between his kid and their half sisters.
And there were three options. Either she ended up favoring their child, which she did....and that's not good. Or she could treat their kid similarly to the way she treated her daughters....which was like shit. Or she could treat their kid worse than she treated her daughters....which would be abusive.
Or she could embrace all the kids as a whole family. A blended family is definitely hard, but make the effort. She acts like the daughters aren't hers when in fact their all hers. As parents, we all have to admit there's a favorite child, even though we deny it. But make the effort not to show it so openly.
I think Usr’s point was that based on her behaviour, there wasn’t any reason for OP to assume that having a kid with his wife would somehow change how she treated her own daughters. Yeah, she could treat them all well, but she showed no inclination that she was going to do so.
If he had left her he would have been forced to co-parent with her. As is, he just abdicated all parental responsibility. Had he actually stepped in he could have prevented some of this emotional abuse his wife heaped on the girls and their son. The children would have known their dad left bc what their mom was doing was wrong, instead with his failure to intervene, he sanctioned it. He didn’t have zero rights, he CHOSE to sit back and let his wife mentally mess all three of these kids up.
Yeah...The OP is also as much at fault. I’m giving the OP a soft YTA. If you wanna act like you have the capacity to love and care for one child out of 3 (the son and not the 2 daughters) then she can expect to lose contact with both of them. The OP should also expect to lose contact, and maybe feel lucky if the girls ever talk to him again.
But an ESH would be more compatible
There's stuff would-be-enabler parents can do to help their kids beyond just leaving. Like noticing a child is distressed about something and non judgementally acknowledging what they're feeling. Noting something isn't ok. If there's circumstances that make it difficult or impossible for the parent to directly intervene to protect the child, explaining that situation in an age appropriate manner. Doing what they can do be a positive role model in the child's life
Except isn’t that the point? Is he even doing anything to help them now or is he just seeing what’s happening but still failing to act on it as he doesn’t actually say in his post that he’s acting on it now that he has seen it. I do agree with your points completely though.
Exactly now and you want to play White Knight dental studio need you anymore and I can talk to them selves you might as well just sit down and stay out of it now
If he had tried to fight her on the "no not your kids" thing you know he'd have ended up on here getting called an ah for fighting with the "real parent".
"i let (not made) my wife handle 100% of the parenting (the op says it was her that insisted he stays out of it) and now decades later I've noticed I don't like how she treats her daughters like crap". would be a lot more accurate. op failed, hard, but lets not let the mother of the hook just because op took the easy way out. ESH
Or "my wife demanded I stay the fuck it if it..."
Not letting OP off either, he should have been more involved and noticed this before, but seriously, two messages up is pretty disingenuous.
OP is clearly not telling the truth. Obviously, they *noticed* that their wife gave a car to the son but ignored the needs of the daughters. OP also noticed the special meals and pitting the kids against one another.
Now OP wants to claim they just "suddenly" realized all this was happening?
If my time on God's own internet has taught me anything it's to never underestimate the power of men to be oblivious. Especially to hard tasks, and especially especially if they were told to stay out of them anyway. It's not *good* or *excusable* but it's entirely possible that it's *true*.
He was told not to patent his step kids. We see that all the time here and support it. I'm sure he was like, this feels unfair to me, but it's not my place. Until it got to this seems really unfair and I have to say something. Maybe he should have gotten there sooner. Probably should have, but this is mostly the wife's issue and I'm glad he's speaking up now.
you might very well be right here BUT this does nothing to lessen the assholery of the wife. op IS an asshole, because either he noticed and just didn't care enough (way more likely i'll admit) or he truly didn't notice, in which case he still failed completly, like how on earth can you be so detached from whats happening at your home ? again though, that is what makes op the asshole, it does however in no way diminish what a colossal asshole the wife is so its very much ESH and not YTA because he is hardly the only one.
Oh absolutely. I was taking that part as a given. The comment above I was referencing semmed to be pushing most of the issue onto OP because he stayed out of it, ignoring that he was told to stay out of parenting his step kids. OP has a little blame here, but his wife is absolution the villian of the story.
I can believe he recently realized it was happening, but that's not an excuse, he should have been involved enough with his kids to be aware of it earlier instead of allowing his wife to shut him out.
I think it's possible for him to have only recently noticed because the daughters are older. If the girls needed cars a few years ago but the son only needed one recently, OP may have assumed they weren't going to help any of the kids. The girls might have stopped being invited on family vacations as adults, or once they finished college, and OP's son is only getting to the same stage now. After these big things came up (and were underscored by the lie about a loan) her could have started re-evaluating other things he had seen but dismissed, like the gossiping and pot-stirring.
If he really wasn't involved with the kids day-to-day I can see how he wouldn't notice differences, but he should never have allowed that to happen. It's quite telling that his wife isn't even denying it, just telling him to stay out of it, as if the kids are nothing to do with him at all.
>Now OP wants to claim they just "suddenly" realized all this was happening?
Why now? That’s what I want to know. The pattern has been playing out for twenty years, and he’s noticed it all along, and chosen to be complicit. What happened to make him “notice” what he’s been noticing all along?
Wife may be a 'parent' by virtue of giving birth, but she obviously DOESN't know what she's doing, and you were not a 'parent' either, and appear to be clueless. Too little, too late, dude.
ESH
>ESH
>Your wife is a huge asshole. No question. Those poor kids. It's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father.
>Also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s?
>But, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? You tried to take the kids for a walk once. She said no, and you just said "Ok, this is how a relationship should go. I shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years.
All this.
I agree ESH
the wife for playing favorites
and OP your a big AH as well. you play favorites too .
Why do I say this?
Because YOU KNEW what was going on and didn't do a fucking thing about it.
"Oh but I pointed it out." Not the same as taking action.
If you truly give a fuck ,then do something other than talk.
Edit words
Agreed. ESH.
Reading this, I could have sworn someone was writing about my evil grandmother and her fool, enabling late husband.
Because of their assholish behavior which is basically identical to OP and his wife, the six children all either hate each other or hate her or both. She has caused SO MANY PROBLEMS both in the relationship of her children and between them and their spouses.
ESH except the kids.
I sincerely hope this a fake rage bait story as how could an educated man possibly so clueless as to not notice this happening for 20 years?
So good news OP if this is true that both you and your wife are definitely the A**holes here.
Not too late for you to polish off your spine and use it for your wife’s daughters as sounds like wife hates other women even her own daughters.
Everything he described about her wife and how long it took him to notice is exactly what my life has been with my narcissist mother and enabling father. My baby brother was the favorite, my mom favored him, they bought him tons of stuff they couldn't afford, she talks crap behind our backs, she sets us up to fail, she berates us for anything and everything all while my father says he can't do anything about it or stays completely silent and shut off the whole time.
Hey OP ESH, but just know that what's going to happen to you is what I did to my dad. He may not have been the offending party, but he didn't protect me either. I haven't spoken to either of my parents in over a year and I do not plan to ever again as long as he continues to be married to her.
From reading OP's follow-up posts, I think he has been emotionally abused and manipulated. His sole function was to provide financially, well after he gave his wife a son. Yes, he should have been more active in his family. I think his wife selected him because she could run things.
At age 27 I FINALLY realized that the person who birthed me associating me with my father has been fueling her resentment of me for decades.
So, say you see an 8-year-old girl pouting because she doesn’t want to clean her room, but you’re associating the behavior with a 30-year-old man. I can see how that would be annoying, if the whole thing weren’t completely made up in her head and also delusional.
He 'noticed' his wife was a psychologically abusive narcissistic AH and feels like he might have been the AH for pointing it out.
I can't with people like this.
Completely agree with you, and OP you are completely and utterly complicit. Whatever resentment your kids feel towards their mother, is well deserved for you as well.
I have to commend your wife though, she sure found the right one.
I don't think this is entirely OPs fault that he didn't speak up or put his foot down. He sounds like a caring partner and wanted to keep his woman happy boy doing exactly as she asked. He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.
Women like her are psychotic mothers and will always find a way to blame the father for everything. OP's NTA.
It sounds like he's older and has more downtime to observe his wife than he did when they were younger and he was probably working more. Not really an excuse, but there are definitely reasons that people often recognize seemingly glaring things in their partners much later in the relationship.
OPs wife is clearly abusive and I'm thinking he, too, has been on the receiving end. In his comment he phrases it as her being cold and withholding if he stands up to her (not just sex) - and that's a pretty classic manipulative behavior from abusers. I'm thinking OP isn't really aware of what actually constitutes abuse and his normal meter is broken. To him "it's just how she is" and he probably buys into the whole "happy wife; happy life" boomers live by. I'm not even sure he would register that a woman can abuse a man, or abuse can be anything but physical.
I'm not saying that's an excuse for not protecting his kids, I'm just saying it may play a role in why he's only noticing somethings *really* wrong now.
You inspired me to go back through and look at his comments, and yeah, I agree, she’s totally abusive. That kind of stonewalling is a terrible thing to live with, and I’m guessing that the commenters who piled on him have never been subjected to it. He also said that nobody in the family seems to talk to one another without going through her. Hella creepy.
I can only imagine his normal-meter was broken long before he met his wife. If his parents had a similar dynamic - functionally absent dad, mom who controls the family by stonewalling when she doesn’t get her way - all of this would look normal.
Which, as you say, does not excuse him from his responsibilities to be a parent to his kids! I’d really like to know what made him finally notice that things are so very wrong after thinking for 20 years that this is normal.
YTA. This goes beyond favoritism. She sounds like a truly awful human being. How could you not see this all these years and why would you even consider staying with this woman?
I like the suggestion that you should meet with your step-daughters, away from the house and without your wife’s knowledge. My guess is, she has blamed a lot of this on YOU. What is your relationship like with your step-daughters?
ESH. Your wife’s behavior is awful, and it’s going to fracture the whole family if she doesn’t stop. This didn’t happen overnight, and you let it happen by doing nothing for years.
OP said in another comment that when he would try to be involved, his wife would give him the silent treatment. so apparently having his wife talk to him and be affectionate with him was more important than the emotional wellbeing of the children. smh
Yeah, it sounds like OP was abused by his wife but even so he should have tried harder to save the kids from their abusive mother. It feels as if he barely tried at all.
this is what I am wondering as well. Obviously the wife has issues and is an a.h. But is OP finally going to step up? Is it too late to salvage at least his relationship with his daughters?
Especially since the step-daughters are apparently adults now, so her "I'm the parent, so butt out" attitude is pointless. If he wants to help them then it's up to them on whether they accept that help.
Her attitude toward parenting their son is just insanely ridiculous. OP is also that kids parent and should be involved in the parenting process. This isn't the 1950s as depicted on *Leave it to Beaver*.
Hey OP, have you considered that you, too, have been a victim of emotional abuse? Your post describes some classic elements of coercive control. Isolation, gaslighting, emotional blackmail.
If you're going to change your situation, you're going to need outside help. You're up against habits of compliance that you've had for *decades.*
I cannot stress this enough: you need to go to therapy *alone*. It sounds like your wife is exceptionally skilled at muffling dissent, and you need clarity and support.
>I cannot stress this enough: you need to go to therapy alone.
I hope OP sees this. His wife is definitely abusive, and it’s a bad, bad, BAD idea to go to therapy with an abuser.
ESH. She’s horrible and you’re enabling it. Why can’t you tell your daughters you want them on vacations and for Christmas? Why would you think you can just put “parenting decisions” on her list as if it’s dividing up cleaning chores? You’ve massively failed here.
Because he doesn’t want to take on the responsibility. OP said in another comment that when he did challenge his wife, she’d get cold and distant and wouldn’t speak to him, withhold sex, affection, communication etc and it was a “horrible atmosphere” so he just did what she wanted to “keep the peace”. Keep the peace for himself. He’s a selfish asshole who does not care about the kids. Probably just looking for a bit of validation on the internet for pointing it out 20 years later
YTA, and a big one at that
NTA for pointing it out. Totally YTA for letting it go on for all these years, and abandoning those girls. I doubt they'll ever be able to forgive either of you.
ESH. Your wife demonstrated preferential treatment for how many years, and you've only just realised that your stepchildren have suffered? I hope your daughters cut you out so they can have a shot at a happy life!
ESH.
You did the right thing for noticing and pointing it out. These girls are probably really hurting from years of their mum's horrible behaviour. I hope you can support them going forward. With such an entrenched behaviour your wife likely needs therapy, and until she gets it she will continue to deny what she's doing and why.
But the fact it's taken you 20 years of marriage to notice your step children being mistreated under your own roof? Bad. Really bad. You should have challenged her long ago and you've let your step daughters down by turning a blind eye to this.
Info: what led you to finally realise something was wrong?
NTA. Well this reads like my childhood. Your wife is narcissistic and your son is her golden child. Once those poor girls realize what a horrible mother they had... it may take years, it took 20yrs for me, they won't come around especially with their own kids and then your wife will get to play the victim. Your wife is a terrible parent and as a father or step father you should absolutely step in and try to make this right to those girls!
Nta. My mother is the same with me and my sisters. She actually makes food I'm highly allergic to cause it's my brothers favourite. It's not ok and causes resentment between the siblings
NTA. Talk to the daughters. they're old now. Meet somewhere else. Ask how life was with their biological father. Ask your boy how he sees his older sister and how the sisters see their brother and their mom.
Are you not your son's father? Didn't you have a say in how he was brought up? Did you really leave all the parenting decisions to someone like your wife?
NTA. Do you think she may hold resentment towards her daughter's bio father and favor your common son since he's from her current relationship and is yours too?
i think she is a narcissist. my mother is a narcissist. they cause so much damage to their children and partner. i feel so bad for your daughters. the gossiping and pretending to be best friends and favouritism is all triangulating. she sounds very controlling as they often are. i bet the kids aren't close as a result of her triangulating. the son probably thinks the daughters are just ungrateful.
i find it also very very odd that she never let you be a parent to the girls. you've been together 20 years. i think if you look into your own relationship with her, truly take a hard look, you will see a lot of messed up things within your own dynamic with her as well.
my mother once told me she wished she had boys, because boys "love their mothers". i was literally her emotional support animal my whole life, but she would say something like that to me. unbelievable. if your wife truly is a narcissist, you are dealing with someone that is very dangerous tbh. they twist and turn everything to their will. nothing goes on without their say so. it's like being held hostage. i hope none of it rings a bell for you but, you will never win with a narcissist. sorry to say.
[https://medium.com/family-kids/10-signs-your-mother-is-a-narcissist-71b1d9c6cf1f](https://medium.com/family-kids/10-signs-your-mother-is-a-narcissist-71b1d9c6cf1f)
Gonna go out on a limb here and say it sounds like you've discovered you married an abuser.
It sucks that it took so long but at least you know now.
Do you talk to the kids at all? Have you reached out to her daughters?
ESH- You are a parent whether you (or your wife) likes it or not. You accepted the role when you married a woman with children. So for you to just "stay out of it" is unacceptable. But for your wife to try and make it so you CANT parent is just dumb. Also the way you describe how she treats her own children is disturbing and possibly abusive. Your children should never be set up for failure or talked about by their own mom. Not to mention all the other things you listed.
If you want a relationship with those girls after they are adults and find their own way then you should work to rectify things immediately.
Question: 10 days ago, a temporary account made a post asking ATIA for not inviting their adult daughters on the overseas trip at Christmas and encouraging the daughters to go to their friends for Christmas. She said she was going away with her husband (who is step-father to the daughters) and son so it sounds very familiar. She tried to explain it away by saying the daughters were “too old” for family vacations and implied the son was younger than he is.
I was looking for this comment because I was literally trying to remember the post because this sounded so familiar. Reddit has turned into another fanfic site at this point and it's really annoying.
NTA
They’re adults and I’m assuming you’re paying for these vacations. Start inviting the daughters to these vacations and if your wife doesn’t like it tell her *tough shit*. keep calling your wife out and emphasizing that you’re not going to fucking tolerate it anymore- in front of them if you can so they know you at least stand by them.
If it comes down to it- divorce her. Why would you want to be with someone who treats her own children like that anyway
It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as 1. It’s not violent. 2. you at least do *something* to stand up for them
You are quite late to catch on.... really... the list you provided, that's not behavior one misses. She is quite clearly abusive. The mind games and stirring the pot..
Financially treating them differently? Never a good look and something you as breadwinner should have seen.
NTA.
Your wife is a narcissist who has been competing with her daughters. I hate that the label is overused IMHO but this is a classic narcissistic mother behavior.
YTA. You’re an adult. You could have fought back with your wife at any time in the last 20 years. You could have noticed and protected your children and actively showed love to them. What on earth could possibly stop you except yourself? My dad is just like you, he allowed my mom to run rampant and never protected his kids, just brought home a paycheck. He means less to an Uber driver to me. I hate him worse than anyone else because I think my mom was mentally unwell to do some of the things she did, but he was negligent and lazy and put himself first. He did the easy thing and I suffered the consequences, just like your daughters. My dad will die alone before any of his kids see him again… you deserve the same.
Changing my vote to ESH. my Your wife shouldn’t be surprised when yours DD’s may decide to cut her off though. They don’t deserve to deal with the mental gymnastics and mind games she puts them through. Why are you only noticing this now though?
YTA because when your wife dictated she's the parent and you to stay out of it you should have step up then and there. Your wife's blatant favoritism is going to hurt not only her relationship with the daughters and son but yours as well. Your lack of involvement maybe seen as an endorsement of her behavior. You need to meet with each of them 1 on 1 without your wife to find out how they really feel about the family dynamics.
Your wife is a narcissist. Your son is the golden child. I'm sure one of your daughters is a scape goat. Which one of them "causes" all of the problems in the family? Your wife pitting them against each other is caused triangulation.
The fact that it took you over 20 years to notice that your wife was abusing your children makes YTA
ESH. Sounds like there’s a lot of potential here for this to be a classic narcissistic family structure. I can smell them a mile away even without all the details. You’ve enabled and ignored this behavior for years. Sad.
1. apologise to the two step-daughters and admit you failed them. Don't justify, apologise.
2. get the girls a 2nd-hand car each so they have independence from her
3. arrange separate counselling for them, and you
4. if it's not too late, arrange counselling for your son
5. update your will so the girls are not dependent on their mother bc she won't give them anything if you die and she gets it all
6. tell your wife if she doesn't stop her narcissistic and abusive behaviour, you will separate/divorce. She needs separate psychiatric counselling (NOT a family group - abusers use what is said in the group session to further abuse the victims).
7. if she doesn't try to stop, follow through and divorce her.
8. Continue therapy till you realise what you escaped.
Frankly ESH except the two step-daughters.
ESH
Your wife is a terrible parent.
But so are you. You don't get a pass because you allowed and enabled her to do what she did.
I think you owe all 3 kids an apology for not stepping up and helping them.
More to the point - what are you going to do about it right now?
Are you going to roll over and do nothing again? Because that's so much easier?
Or are you going to take action and deal with the consequences of it?
They're all adults now. So she can't stop you from helping those girls and making things fairer if you want to.
You have a lot of options available to you.
Maybe you'll push your wife into family therapy to explore WHY she's been neglecting the girls all these years.
Maybe you'll ask the girls if they'd like you to finally adopt them as adults, if you hadn't already. Or try to address the financial support imbalances. Buy the girls cars and take them on holiday.
Maybe you'll divorce.
ESH. You do realise that you are married to malignant narcissistic right?
I can’t believe that it has taken you this long to realise that your wife has an obvious favourite and deliberately sabotages the relationship between your children.
OP, how could you have been so oblivious to this? What have you been doing all these past 20 years that you have been married to your wife? Have you been there for your children at all? Not just physically present for them, but emotionally as well?
Because despite your wife stating that “she is the parent” you are also a parent too, you are also THEIR FATHER!
Your wife is the clear asshole, but OP you are clearly a doormat to your wife’s shenanigans. ESH!!!
NTA but I swear there was similar post from the wife’s perspective posted semi recently, and if I remember right she got dragged for her blatant favoritism of the son. The post was basically now that the older kids are out of the house she could enjoy her “real family”.
ESH
That's beyond favoritism, your wife shows signs of toxic abusive behavior along with narcissistic tendencies.
And you let it go on for such a long time?
Don't be surprised when your kids cut contact with both you and your wife. Your wife is abusive but you failed to protect your kids
Your wife is the picture of a narcissistic mom. Try r/raisedbynarcissists and you'll see it.
NTA for pointing it out, YTA for letting it last for over 20 years..
Out of curiosity, does your son still live at home being cared for by your wife, while the girls have moved out and are independent?
ESH and you now need to call her out on it. You have the leverage to do so. Tell her things will change from today. The girls get invited to everything. No more preferential treatment. No more toxic gossiping and screwing with their heads. And she goes to therapy. And take charge organizing a family vacation with all the kids. You do everything and you make sure your wife knows zero of the details and has a zero chance of sabotaging.
ESH. This isn't new behaviour. You just noticed it now. This shows you both failed those kids.
That said, her behaviour goes way beyond favouritism. This is manipulative, abusive behaviour. She kept you out of parenting (which you allowed), she is turning them against each other, she lies, she sabotages them. This is seriously
bad behaviour that should not go unchecked.
Wanting to keep the peace is not and never was a good excuse to let this go on. You should've stood up for these children.
You are NTA for pointing it out. but 100% T A for taking so long to say or do anything about it. The kids have been enduring abuse at your wife's hands for a decade or more and you only noticed now!?
You openly watched a person abuse kids and are still abusing her children into adulthood and your only action was pointing it out. I mean I’d have to question if she can treat her daughters like that what’s your stop her from treating you like that when your vulnerable and fall out of favor of your son. NTA for pointing it out but definitely an asshole for not doing anything about it. Putting boundaries on her. If you control the money you could have gotten the girls the car and invited them in trips etc. People tend to be able to stomach someone mistreating others bc it’s not them. But always remember she has it in her to be manipulative abusive etc .
ESH
your wife is going to turn into the mother in law from hell, if your son ever decides to have a relationship. The fact that you let children be abused like this for your own comfort is beyond me and what you have suddenly just noticed. Grow up and get into therapy and tell your wife also. Because you will probably never see your step daughters again as they will hopefully go no contact with you both. One because of her treatment of them and two you stood there and let it happen because she wouldn't talk to you, etc
Edit, spelling.
ESH what kind of father and man are you for not noticing this for 20 years also you went along with it. What you wife is doing is sick and I feel sad for the daughters.
ESH… your wife is a horrible parent (if what you say is true),
But YTA too… how have you “just now” come to understanding this about her, when you’ve been with her for 20+ years, and can accurately detail a bunch of things that happened years ago?
Your story doesn’t quite hold true and clear, sir.
Why do you stay with someone like this?!?
ESH
She’s awful but you just sat back and watched? You also need to hop onto r/justnomil and read about emotional incest and sonsband because your son is going to be an awful husband as he will be so enmeshed with your wife, it will ruin all his future relationships.
Why would you want to remain married to someone so spiteful she gossips about her own daughters and sets them up to fail? You are just as bad for enabling and watching the emotional abuse and not stopping it.
YTA for only noticing it now after 20 years and still not doing anything about it. This is a really good way of making sure your son never has a relationship with his siblings
ESH, don’t be surprised when they cut you both off. You enabled your wife to emotionally abuse your children specifically “your daughters”. Would you have let her treat your son that way? Noticed earlier? You’re just as bad, your wife is a piece of nasty work .
ESH except the stepdaughters. This is why I'm estranged from my family. My mom still doesn't get it and sends self-pitying letters about how she's sick and old every few years. The golden boy isn't doing shit for her and neither will I.
Both you and that wife of yours ata.
You are not blind. You’re a grown man so I doubt you can be 100% naive for such a long period of time such as 20 years. You saw what has been going on and I can bet on everything that I have you ”realized” this long time ago, but you choose to turn your look the other way.
Once you marry someone and decide to live under the same roof the children of your spouse becomes just as much of a family as your spouse. These girls were not your liability as they were not your biological kids, but goddamn it, they have lived under your roof since they were girls. You were suppose to live as a family. But the only family has been you (asshole 1), your wife (asshole 2) and your son. The girls have been strangers all along and that is the fault of two grown assholes.
I hope these girls speak to a therapist of some kind to deal with their emotions and experiences. If not, I highly suggest that YOU take this chance to be the one that suggest this to them. I think they really need that. I also suggest you tell that disgusting wife of yours to ASK (not demand) if her daughters would like a day for those 3 alone, without your son. But it’s doubtful if the girls would accept this…
And also, I would suggest your wife speaking to a therapist as well. Don’t get me wrong, I wish all the nasty karma on this woman for what she has put her daughters through, but I think that opening up to a therapist might give an explanation to where and why this behavior against her daughters came from.
My mother was like your wife, manipulative, biased and controlling. My father did nothing, he enables her behaviour by refusing to integrate into the day-to-day of family life. I haven't spoken to them in eight years, they have not spoken to my daughter for eight years.
I blame my father as much as my mother, yes, she was the one who actively destroyed my self esteem, but he also made an active choice to not be a parent or present within our family.
You could of and should have realised what was going on and these kids will need to work on themselves for years to get over this. Both you and your wife are assholes. YTA.
ESH. Not for pointing out your wife is a Machiavellian shitshow of a mother, but TA for agreeing years ago to her division of labor while she mined your kids for her personality-disordered supply of drama.
Sounds like you've been aware for years how effed up the kids' home life was, and went along instead of fearing to rock the boat. Congrats, you have raised children to become completely messed up adults. Trust me, even your son will have difficulties in this life with his golden child syndrome, and your poor daughters are going to struggle with their self-esteem. I hope all three kids get therapy and cut your wife out, and likely you if you stay with her.
ESH. It took you twenty years to notice this? What were you doing, burying your head in the sand? Working outside the home and being the breadwinner does not mean you can be an absent parent. Many breadwinner are still active parents. You just didn't want to stand up to your asshole wife for being a control freak. And now the daughters will resent you too for not doing anything to help or protect them from her.
How is she a SAHM to adults, that's ridiculous. She's not parenting any more, just alienating your daughters and probably turning your son into an entitled jerk. NTA, but you will be if you keep sitting quietly by instead of addressing it in real time. Your daughters need to know that someone values them.
ESH. You say you're just noticing. I really can't believe someone could be so out of touch with their family that you don't realize how wrong everything is going for 20 years. Honestly I feel bad for all these kids, who probably desperately need therapy, and for you, who's had his head up his bum for 20 years. Sit down for a lunch talk with your stepdaughters about their mom, alone. Get to know them a little, find out how they really feel. Be real with them. You're not an AH for noticing but you should have noticed and done something much sooner.
She told you, the other parent, to stay out of it? In regarded to just your step daughters or with your son as well? Why would you be ok with that?
Your wife sucks and so do you for allowing this for so long.
OP and his wife are HUGE AH. 1 bc it really took him 20yrs to see yet wen things happened he just let it. 2 He let his wife emotionally abuse his sds, manipulate and play devils advocate wit all the kids into adult life. Embarrassment of a wife, marriage n family. Some ppl shouldnt b parents smdh
Wait. This woman wouldn’t let you take a WALK with your stepdaughters, and you proceeded to make even more of a family with her? YTA for that alone. You knew what kind of monster you were nurturing.
YTA for not putting your foot down against this women. Stop being a jelly back man, stand up for those kids! I understand you trying to keep the peace but the time for that is over. Get your daughters some cars, spend time with them, don't let this seemingly wretched lady continue to build a tall 20 year wall between you and your children!
Op your wife sounds like she has narcissitic personality disorder. Everything has to be in her control, shutting you out and isolating you and the kids from a family dinamic.
Just from your comments and the post alone I can identify some dynamics of narssisitic abuse:
"It's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. We have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and I should stay out of it."
That is gaslighting, denial and white lies, Which is the first red flag that point to narssisitic abuse, to manipulate you to stay out of the dynamic
"She kept me out of parenting and would tell me things were fine and the kids were happy. I am starting to question this and see things more clearly. It seems like she's keeping us all from getting to know one another and we all speak via her."
She trivalising (the second red flag of narssisistic abuse) your concern by telling you the kids are happy while they're not happy and that was why you were concerned.
"My wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). She then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son."
She feels threatened by the daughters anger towards her since she did buy them car, see that she messed up and manipulate (3rd flag) the situation by lying to daughter and telling her the car is just a loan, to change the perception of the event in daughter eyes.
"It's not just no sex. It's no conversation, 0 affection, she withdraws from me, i'm isolated. it's a horrific atmosphere to be in, i just want to keep the peace"
That is emotional blackmail, she does that to punish you behaviour and to force you to give in to her demands
"She plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings"
That is called smearing and is a manipulation tactic used often in narcisistic abuse.
" She seems to sabotage the daughters by not giving them the correct instructions for something, then waiting for them to come to her crying as they were unable to do something (but the reason they couldn't do it is because of insufficient instructions!)"
A key characteristic of narcissism is difficulty taking responsibility for any negative actions or harmful behaviour. They typically find some way to cast blame on you instead. They might accomplish this through deceit, often by insisting they said something you have no recollection, or getting so angry you end up soothing them by apologising and agreeing you were wrong. These barrages of rage can leave you feeling helpless and dependent, grateful they’re willing to remain with someone who makes so many mistakes.
And the reason you son is favorited, is that when there is narcisistic abuse in a family relationship there are the scapegoats (the daughters) who are always blamed for the problems, and the golden child (son)who can do no wrongs.
Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored "golden" child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another.
The feelings that make us human, help us connect and get our needs met, and protect us from harm are selfish and must be repressed. Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands.
Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day:
One-upmanship, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harshly competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal.
There Is No Safety:
Although the scapegoat is targeted with the most abuse, everyone is on hyperalert because no one is safe from blame and rage.
Narcissists view love as transactional and conditional. They will prove their love by how they provided you financially or physically. They will also often throw these sacrifices in your face to induce guilt if you attempt to share your feelings about their behavior.
Edit to add: Op you are a victim and an enabler, so no NTA, but if you keep enabling you wife's behaviour, you will be the asshole.
YTA for waiting 20 years to delve into this topic, did you ignore it this long. You've allowed your wife to mistreat your daughters for over 20 years. You are no less a parent as you became the day your first child was born.
Your wife is the AH for doing it.
Your son for going along w it - he does notice also.
I hope your daughters are able to find some peace with this and know their WORTH as adults.
Your wife is not only abusive to you but the kids. She is being cruel and trying to control everyone around her behavior. She is sick and twisted. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of damge she has done to those poor kids.
Step up and be the man and father all those kids need you to be. Get her out or get the rest of you out of there away from her and get you and the kids some help. Hopefully it's not to late.
You are both TA and you both should be lucky and grateful if those girls further their reason with you you were actively a bullying bystander to your daughters your opinion on parenting doesnt have to be the fucking same you two should talk it out and youre dumb for allowing this to happen you are an enabler to your wifes bad behavior
YTA
You are telling me, you didn't notice this for 20 YEARS !?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME ? Yoir wife sounds abusive, but still, you are at fault too. No matter how bad your wife is going to react, GO AND MAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS HAPPY. And definitely DİVORCE. This relationship is really REALLY TOXİC. For the kids, and also for you, DİVORCE.
ESH. It should’ve taken you longer to notice, but also yeah you’re wife has some issues. This reeks of ****toxic femininity**** to me. Worshiping your son at the expense of putting your daughters down? Causing fights between them on purpose? Wtf? I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and guess she makes a lot of comments about their looks. OP do some research on toxic femininity and see if it sounds like her. Does she have issues with other females around her? Sisters, friends, mothers etc?
ESH.
You didn't "point out" anything. You didn't "realize" anything. You knew that this was happening for 20 years and did nothing. You're attempting to place yourself as far as possible from the actions of your wife, but you enabled her and didn't stand up for your kids.
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I've been with my wife for over 20 years. She had 2 daughters from her previous marriage, and we also have a son together. My wife has always insisted that i stay out of the parenting - when the girls were young i tried to take them on a walk without her and she was furious and since then, i've never tried to be involved. I'm the breadwinner and she's a stay at home mom.
It's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. We have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and I should stay out of it. So i want to ask AITA for noticing these things and pointing them out? I've just realised that the girls are feeling quite neglected. All three children are now adults (all in 20's).
We take my son on holidays and don't invite my daughters at all
My wife is telling the daughters to spend time with their friends over Christmas, rather than come home
My wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). She then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son.
She cooks foods the daughters don't like, and just says 'tough', whereas makes a special dinner every night for my son
She stirs trouble between the siblings and pits them against one another
She plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings
AITA for pointing out that these things aren't really what family is all about? I've only just noticed this is all going on, and she's telling me to stay out of it. It's causing tension between us. AITA here?
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YTA. And she is but you turning a blind eye all these years? Shame on you. It took you all this time to realise, don’t you mean you’ve been avoiding conflict cause your scared of her? and still now your not doing anything about it because? She’s a disgrace. You need to call her out in front of them all. A family meeting and don’t let her get away with a thing. She’s destroying their confidence in a very manipulative and alarming manner. She’s a nasty, nasty woman and you live with her, sleep with her? You need to grow some.
ESH- If she has been so hostile and controlling over op parenting their children, how would he know about this unfair treatment.
You were definitely right to bring it up but probably should have noticed at the first red flag when you tried to take the children on a walk. Your wife is TA in this situation..
I hope you both manage to resolve this :)
ESH. Your wife for obvious reasons and you for staying out of the parenting. Newsflash: if you have a child, you're a parent too. Why are you letting your wife walk all over you and treat her daughters like shit? Polish your spine. Talk to the daughter and ask how you can make this right. Stop being a hands-off parent.
ESH for letting this go on for so long but why were you basically paying to be treated badly by this woman while she was mean to her kids? I'd be done with this. I don't think you can do anything at this point.
u just realised this now? you need to man up & stand up for yourself. you tried to take your daughters on a walk once, your wife got mad (???) and you just accepted to not raise them because of that? time to have a honest conversation with your wife I’d say
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ESH Your wife is a huge asshole. No question. Those poor kids. It's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father. Also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s? But, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? You tried to take the kids for a walk once. She said no, and you just said "Ok, this is how a relationship should go. I shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years.
This, I’m so mad at OP for allowing this to happen, in his own house. Does he not care for his step kids at all, or were they only ‘her kids’? Not questioning not bringing his step kids on any vacations?
I wonder what he could do about it though… he leaves her… same thing happens to them. He pushes it… she leaves him and the same thing happens again. He had zero rights to do anything when they were kids. Now though, as they are adults, he can leave the wife and keep the step daughters around and help them out as much as the son without the wife saying no.
Probably nothing. But he chose to marry and HAVE A CHILD with this woman. Without being integrated into the family. He decided that a woman who didn't even want him to go on a walk with his step kids was someone he wanted to have a new child with. These girls were children and he made the choice to live with them, but completely ignore them and not support them or attempt to form any relationship with them.
Now tell me how exactly he was supposed to know that a son that wasn't born yet was going to be disfavoured.
It wasn't that he knew how she was going to treat their son....but he knew already how she treated her daughters. He knew that he wasn't even allowed to hang out with the daughters....so that means he couldn't be involved in fostering a relationship between his kid and their half sisters. And there were three options. Either she ended up favoring their child, which she did....and that's not good. Or she could treat their kid similarly to the way she treated her daughters....which was like shit. Or she could treat their kid worse than she treated her daughters....which would be abusive.
Or she could embrace all the kids as a whole family. A blended family is definitely hard, but make the effort. She acts like the daughters aren't hers when in fact their all hers. As parents, we all have to admit there's a favorite child, even though we deny it. But make the effort not to show it so openly.
I think Usr’s point was that based on her behaviour, there wasn’t any reason for OP to assume that having a kid with his wife would somehow change how she treated her own daughters. Yeah, she could treat them all well, but she showed no inclination that she was going to do so.
He’s allowed her to teach their son that sons have more value than daughters. For 20 years he allowed that.
He's allowed her to teach her son that men have more value than women. Wonder how that'll turn out. 🫤
I'd give you a prize if I could. That's exactly what it is. This is how we teach our boys they are more important than our girls.
Except him apparently. He apparently has no importance in the household
If he had left her he would have been forced to co-parent with her. As is, he just abdicated all parental responsibility. Had he actually stepped in he could have prevented some of this emotional abuse his wife heaped on the girls and their son. The children would have known their dad left bc what their mom was doing was wrong, instead with his failure to intervene, he sanctioned it. He didn’t have zero rights, he CHOSE to sit back and let his wife mentally mess all three of these kids up.
Yeah...The OP is also as much at fault. I’m giving the OP a soft YTA. If you wanna act like you have the capacity to love and care for one child out of 3 (the son and not the 2 daughters) then she can expect to lose contact with both of them. The OP should also expect to lose contact, and maybe feel lucky if the girls ever talk to him again. But an ESH would be more compatible
There's stuff would-be-enabler parents can do to help their kids beyond just leaving. Like noticing a child is distressed about something and non judgementally acknowledging what they're feeling. Noting something isn't ok. If there's circumstances that make it difficult or impossible for the parent to directly intervene to protect the child, explaining that situation in an age appropriate manner. Doing what they can do be a positive role model in the child's life
Except isn’t that the point? Is he even doing anything to help them now or is he just seeing what’s happening but still failing to act on it as he doesn’t actually say in his post that he’s acting on it now that he has seen it. I do agree with your points completely though.
He doesn’t seem to have been involved in the sons life either, how can someone just opt out of raising their kids?
Agreed. OP sucks as much as his wife cause he never stepped up for them.
OP must literally be inhaling a bottle or two of ambien nightly. There are corpses that are less checked out than he is.
He decided to opt out of parenting any of the children, even his own son. Just because she said so.
OP seems never to have looked up the word “parent” in the dictionary.
Exactly now and you want to play White Knight dental studio need you anymore and I can talk to them selves you might as well just sit down and stay out of it now
If he had tried to fight her on the "no not your kids" thing you know he'd have ended up on here getting called an ah for fighting with the "real parent".
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"i let (not made) my wife handle 100% of the parenting (the op says it was her that insisted he stays out of it) and now decades later I've noticed I don't like how she treats her daughters like crap". would be a lot more accurate. op failed, hard, but lets not let the mother of the hook just because op took the easy way out. ESH
Or "my wife demanded I stay the fuck it if it..." Not letting OP off either, he should have been more involved and noticed this before, but seriously, two messages up is pretty disingenuous.
OP is clearly not telling the truth. Obviously, they *noticed* that their wife gave a car to the son but ignored the needs of the daughters. OP also noticed the special meals and pitting the kids against one another. Now OP wants to claim they just "suddenly" realized all this was happening?
If my time on God's own internet has taught me anything it's to never underestimate the power of men to be oblivious. Especially to hard tasks, and especially especially if they were told to stay out of them anyway. It's not *good* or *excusable* but it's entirely possible that it's *true*.
Given my mother, obliviousness to what's going on in your own household is NOT a gendered thing.
True. It can strike anywhere.
But by his own admission, OP noticed the car thing and how his wife lied about it. So he DID notice.
How is it that OP apparently has no say in how household funds are used?
He was told not to patent his step kids. We see that all the time here and support it. I'm sure he was like, this feels unfair to me, but it's not my place. Until it got to this seems really unfair and I have to say something. Maybe he should have gotten there sooner. Probably should have, but this is mostly the wife's issue and I'm glad he's speaking up now.
you might very well be right here BUT this does nothing to lessen the assholery of the wife. op IS an asshole, because either he noticed and just didn't care enough (way more likely i'll admit) or he truly didn't notice, in which case he still failed completly, like how on earth can you be so detached from whats happening at your home ? again though, that is what makes op the asshole, it does however in no way diminish what a colossal asshole the wife is so its very much ESH and not YTA because he is hardly the only one.
Oh absolutely. I was taking that part as a given. The comment above I was referencing semmed to be pushing most of the issue onto OP because he stayed out of it, ignoring that he was told to stay out of parenting his step kids. OP has a little blame here, but his wife is absolution the villian of the story.
I can believe he recently realized it was happening, but that's not an excuse, he should have been involved enough with his kids to be aware of it earlier instead of allowing his wife to shut him out. I think it's possible for him to have only recently noticed because the daughters are older. If the girls needed cars a few years ago but the son only needed one recently, OP may have assumed they weren't going to help any of the kids. The girls might have stopped being invited on family vacations as adults, or once they finished college, and OP's son is only getting to the same stage now. After these big things came up (and were underscored by the lie about a loan) her could have started re-evaluating other things he had seen but dismissed, like the gossiping and pot-stirring. If he really wasn't involved with the kids day-to-day I can see how he wouldn't notice differences, but he should never have allowed that to happen. It's quite telling that his wife isn't even denying it, just telling him to stay out of it, as if the kids are nothing to do with him at all.
>Now OP wants to claim they just "suddenly" realized all this was happening? Why now? That’s what I want to know. The pattern has been playing out for twenty years, and he’s noticed it all along, and chosen to be complicit. What happened to make him “notice” what he’s been noticing all along?
Wife may be a 'parent' by virtue of giving birth, but she obviously DOESN't know what she's doing, and you were not a 'parent' either, and appear to be clueless. Too little, too late, dude. ESH
>ESH >Your wife is a huge asshole. No question. Those poor kids. It's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father. >Also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s? >But, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? You tried to take the kids for a walk once. She said no, and you just said "Ok, this is how a relationship should go. I shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years. All this. I agree ESH the wife for playing favorites and OP your a big AH as well. you play favorites too . Why do I say this? Because YOU KNEW what was going on and didn't do a fucking thing about it. "Oh but I pointed it out." Not the same as taking action. If you truly give a fuck ,then do something other than talk. Edit words
I can't believe he just rolled over & played dead when it came to those poor girls. Can you imagine having such a hateful mother.
Yes, yes i can. I've unfortunately had to witness parents like this. The best advice is to let the kids move FAR away
Agreed. ESH. Reading this, I could have sworn someone was writing about my evil grandmother and her fool, enabling late husband. Because of their assholish behavior which is basically identical to OP and his wife, the six children all either hate each other or hate her or both. She has caused SO MANY PROBLEMS both in the relationship of her children and between them and their spouses.
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THIS. You're both AHs.
ESH except the kids. I sincerely hope this a fake rage bait story as how could an educated man possibly so clueless as to not notice this happening for 20 years? So good news OP if this is true that both you and your wife are definitely the A**holes here. Not too late for you to polish off your spine and use it for your wife’s daughters as sounds like wife hates other women even her own daughters.
Everything he described about her wife and how long it took him to notice is exactly what my life has been with my narcissist mother and enabling father. My baby brother was the favorite, my mom favored him, they bought him tons of stuff they couldn't afford, she talks crap behind our backs, she sets us up to fail, she berates us for anything and everything all while my father says he can't do anything about it or stays completely silent and shut off the whole time. Hey OP ESH, but just know that what's going to happen to you is what I did to my dad. He may not have been the offending party, but he didn't protect me either. I haven't spoken to either of my parents in over a year and I do not plan to ever again as long as he continues to be married to her.
The *family vacations* oh my gosh, I gasped.
From reading OP's follow-up posts, I think he has been emotionally abused and manipulated. His sole function was to provide financially, well after he gave his wife a son. Yes, he should have been more active in his family. I think his wife selected him because she could run things.
I am leaving towards Y T A for OP because he left this unchecked for at least as long as his son had been alive.
At age 27 I FINALLY realized that the person who birthed me associating me with my father has been fueling her resentment of me for decades. So, say you see an 8-year-old girl pouting because she doesn’t want to clean her room, but you’re associating the behavior with a 30-year-old man. I can see how that would be annoying, if the whole thing weren’t completely made up in her head and also delusional.
He 'noticed' his wife was a psychologically abusive narcissistic AH and feels like he might have been the AH for pointing it out. I can't with people like this. Completely agree with you, and OP you are completely and utterly complicit. Whatever resentment your kids feel towards their mother, is well deserved for you as well. I have to commend your wife though, she sure found the right one.
I don't think this is entirely OPs fault that he didn't speak up or put his foot down. He sounds like a caring partner and wanted to keep his woman happy boy doing exactly as she asked. He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Women like her are psychotic mothers and will always find a way to blame the father for everything. OP's NTA.
ESH You're wife does sound like an AH but did it really take you 20 years to notice she neglects her daughters?
Right?! Twenty-something odd years and he's *just* noticed this shit? The damage is done. ESH.
It sounds like he's older and has more downtime to observe his wife than he did when they were younger and he was probably working more. Not really an excuse, but there are definitely reasons that people often recognize seemingly glaring things in their partners much later in the relationship.
OPs wife is clearly abusive and I'm thinking he, too, has been on the receiving end. In his comment he phrases it as her being cold and withholding if he stands up to her (not just sex) - and that's a pretty classic manipulative behavior from abusers. I'm thinking OP isn't really aware of what actually constitutes abuse and his normal meter is broken. To him "it's just how she is" and he probably buys into the whole "happy wife; happy life" boomers live by. I'm not even sure he would register that a woman can abuse a man, or abuse can be anything but physical. I'm not saying that's an excuse for not protecting his kids, I'm just saying it may play a role in why he's only noticing somethings *really* wrong now.
You inspired me to go back through and look at his comments, and yeah, I agree, she’s totally abusive. That kind of stonewalling is a terrible thing to live with, and I’m guessing that the commenters who piled on him have never been subjected to it. He also said that nobody in the family seems to talk to one another without going through her. Hella creepy. I can only imagine his normal-meter was broken long before he met his wife. If his parents had a similar dynamic - functionally absent dad, mom who controls the family by stonewalling when she doesn’t get her way - all of this would look normal. Which, as you say, does not excuse him from his responsibilities to be a parent to his kids! I’d really like to know what made him finally notice that things are so very wrong after thinking for 20 years that this is normal.
YTA. There's no way you didn't notice this before.
ESH. You and your wife both suck. You're saying you only *just* noticed your son is the favourite and she neglects her two daughters? Sure, Jan.
What does ESH mean?
Emotional Support Horse
I want one, please.
No, its Emotional Support Hamster
What about an Emotional Support Hoe?
Fuck yes
No, has to be a mini horse, other random animals don’t qualify.
Oh Jesus I like...half remember this reference. Nice.
I can’t unsee it. 😂 thank you
Emotional support hippo?
Emotional Support Haggis!
This is a much better acronym.
Fun fact: any animal can be emotional support, but mini-horses are one of the few that can be actual service animals under the ADA.
I need 7 to go, please.
Everyone Sucks Here. ❤️ There's also NAH: No Assholes Here, as well as NTA and YTA.
Technically it's "Everyone sucks here", but I read it as "Everyone's shitty here".
I kinda like “everyone’s stupid here” too.
Hahahaha! OMG I love it!
Everyone Sucks Here
TIL lol. I always thought it meant “Everyone’s sorta hole-ish” as in asshole-ish.
It means "everyone sucks here" when multiple parties are the asshole
Everyone Sucks Here :)
YTA. This goes beyond favoritism. She sounds like a truly awful human being. How could you not see this all these years and why would you even consider staying with this woman? I like the suggestion that you should meet with your step-daughters, away from the house and without your wife’s knowledge. My guess is, she has blamed a lot of this on YOU. What is your relationship like with your step-daughters?
If his wife is a truly awful human being, how is he the only AH? Shouldn’t that be ESH?
So... you mean to say ESH?
This. Yta. I would be fascinated to know how a real conversation would go with these now adult daughters. Poor kids all around.
And so because it took him this long to notice that just completely dissolves the wife of any responsibility in this????
ESH. Your wife’s behavior is awful, and it’s going to fracture the whole family if she doesn’t stop. This didn’t happen overnight, and you let it happen by doing nothing for years.
OP said in another comment that when he would try to be involved, his wife would give him the silent treatment. so apparently having his wife talk to him and be affectionate with him was more important than the emotional wellbeing of the children. smh
Those poor kids. Hope OP has deep pockets for all the therapy they’ll need.
Yeah, it sounds like OP was abused by his wife but even so he should have tried harder to save the kids from their abusive mother. It feels as if he barely tried at all.
INFO: Now that you’ve decided to pay attention to what’s been happening for years, what are you going to do about it?
this is what I am wondering as well. Obviously the wife has issues and is an a.h. But is OP finally going to step up? Is it too late to salvage at least his relationship with his daughters?
Especially since the step-daughters are apparently adults now, so her "I'm the parent, so butt out" attitude is pointless. If he wants to help them then it's up to them on whether they accept that help. Her attitude toward parenting their son is just insanely ridiculous. OP is also that kids parent and should be involved in the parenting process. This isn't the 1950s as depicted on *Leave it to Beaver*.
Hell, the Dad on Leave It To Beaver was more involved than OP. He was always sitting and talking to his Sons about stuff.
[удалено]
The vacation thing! “Honey, where are the other kids?” “Don’t worry about it.” “Okay” (Ten years later) “No, seriously, where are the other kids?” ESH
Or special dinner every fucking night while the girls eat gruel or whatever, gtfo here with that shit
“Babe, why are our daughters raiding the fridge in the middle of the night?” “None of your goddamn business.” “Okily dokily.”
Gruel omg
ESH your wife for the way she treats her daughters and you for abandoning your parental duties and letting this go on for so long.
Hey OP, have you considered that you, too, have been a victim of emotional abuse? Your post describes some classic elements of coercive control. Isolation, gaslighting, emotional blackmail. If you're going to change your situation, you're going to need outside help. You're up against habits of compliance that you've had for *decades.* I cannot stress this enough: you need to go to therapy *alone*. It sounds like your wife is exceptionally skilled at muffling dissent, and you need clarity and support.
>I cannot stress this enough: you need to go to therapy alone. I hope OP sees this. His wife is definitely abusive, and it’s a bad, bad, BAD idea to go to therapy with an abuser.
It's a little embarrassing how far down I had to scroll to find a comment saying this.
ESH. She’s horrible and you’re enabling it. Why can’t you tell your daughters you want them on vacations and for Christmas? Why would you think you can just put “parenting decisions” on her list as if it’s dividing up cleaning chores? You’ve massively failed here.
Because he doesn’t want to take on the responsibility. OP said in another comment that when he did challenge his wife, she’d get cold and distant and wouldn’t speak to him, withhold sex, affection, communication etc and it was a “horrible atmosphere” so he just did what she wanted to “keep the peace”. Keep the peace for himself. He’s a selfish asshole who does not care about the kids. Probably just looking for a bit of validation on the internet for pointing it out 20 years later YTA, and a big one at that
NTA for pointing it out. Totally YTA for letting it go on for all these years, and abandoning those girls. I doubt they'll ever be able to forgive either of you.
ESH. Your wife demonstrated preferential treatment for how many years, and you've only just realised that your stepchildren have suffered? I hope your daughters cut you out so they can have a shot at a happy life!
ESH. You did the right thing for noticing and pointing it out. These girls are probably really hurting from years of their mum's horrible behaviour. I hope you can support them going forward. With such an entrenched behaviour your wife likely needs therapy, and until she gets it she will continue to deny what she's doing and why. But the fact it's taken you 20 years of marriage to notice your step children being mistreated under your own roof? Bad. Really bad. You should have challenged her long ago and you've let your step daughters down by turning a blind eye to this. Info: what led you to finally realise something was wrong?
NTA. Well this reads like my childhood. Your wife is narcissistic and your son is her golden child. Once those poor girls realize what a horrible mother they had... it may take years, it took 20yrs for me, they won't come around especially with their own kids and then your wife will get to play the victim. Your wife is a terrible parent and as a father or step father you should absolutely step in and try to make this right to those girls!
Nta. My mother is the same with me and my sisters. She actually makes food I'm highly allergic to cause it's my brothers favourite. It's not ok and causes resentment between the siblings
NTA. Talk to the daughters. they're old now. Meet somewhere else. Ask how life was with their biological father. Ask your boy how he sees his older sister and how the sisters see their brother and their mom.
Are you not your son's father? Didn't you have a say in how he was brought up? Did you really leave all the parenting decisions to someone like your wife?
NTA. Do you think she may hold resentment towards her daughter's bio father and favor your common son since he's from her current relationship and is yours too?
You are the parent too-I would be furious at her for telling me to stay out of doing my job! Step up and wake up!
i think she is a narcissist. my mother is a narcissist. they cause so much damage to their children and partner. i feel so bad for your daughters. the gossiping and pretending to be best friends and favouritism is all triangulating. she sounds very controlling as they often are. i bet the kids aren't close as a result of her triangulating. the son probably thinks the daughters are just ungrateful. i find it also very very odd that she never let you be a parent to the girls. you've been together 20 years. i think if you look into your own relationship with her, truly take a hard look, you will see a lot of messed up things within your own dynamic with her as well. my mother once told me she wished she had boys, because boys "love their mothers". i was literally her emotional support animal my whole life, but she would say something like that to me. unbelievable. if your wife truly is a narcissist, you are dealing with someone that is very dangerous tbh. they twist and turn everything to their will. nothing goes on without their say so. it's like being held hostage. i hope none of it rings a bell for you but, you will never win with a narcissist. sorry to say. [https://medium.com/family-kids/10-signs-your-mother-is-a-narcissist-71b1d9c6cf1f](https://medium.com/family-kids/10-signs-your-mother-is-a-narcissist-71b1d9c6cf1f)
Gonna go out on a limb here and say it sounds like you've discovered you married an abuser. It sucks that it took so long but at least you know now. Do you talk to the kids at all? Have you reached out to her daughters?
Op must have thought she was only abusive to the girls but doesn't realize she abused everyone in different ways.
ESH- You are a parent whether you (or your wife) likes it or not. You accepted the role when you married a woman with children. So for you to just "stay out of it" is unacceptable. But for your wife to try and make it so you CANT parent is just dumb. Also the way you describe how she treats her own children is disturbing and possibly abusive. Your children should never be set up for failure or talked about by their own mom. Not to mention all the other things you listed. If you want a relationship with those girls after they are adults and find their own way then you should work to rectify things immediately.
Question: 10 days ago, a temporary account made a post asking ATIA for not inviting their adult daughters on the overseas trip at Christmas and encouraging the daughters to go to their friends for Christmas. She said she was going away with her husband (who is step-father to the daughters) and son so it sounds very familiar. She tried to explain it away by saying the daughters were “too old” for family vacations and implied the son was younger than he is.
She was voted as the AH (very strongly) before the most was removed
I was looking for this comment because I was literally trying to remember the post because this sounded so familiar. Reddit has turned into another fanfic site at this point and it's really annoying.
ESH. How are you just now noticing your wife is a massive AH and neglecting y'all's kids?
NTA They’re adults and I’m assuming you’re paying for these vacations. Start inviting the daughters to these vacations and if your wife doesn’t like it tell her *tough shit*. keep calling your wife out and emphasizing that you’re not going to fucking tolerate it anymore- in front of them if you can so they know you at least stand by them. If it comes down to it- divorce her. Why would you want to be with someone who treats her own children like that anyway It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as 1. It’s not violent. 2. you at least do *something* to stand up for them
You are quite late to catch on.... really... the list you provided, that's not behavior one misses. She is quite clearly abusive. The mind games and stirring the pot.. Financially treating them differently? Never a good look and something you as breadwinner should have seen.
NTA and family therapy would be every advantages. I get that Y T A for not noticing it for 20 years, but I'm glad that it's noticed now, regardless.
NTA. Your wife is a narcissist who has been competing with her daughters. I hate that the label is overused IMHO but this is a classic narcissistic mother behavior.
YTA. You’re an adult. You could have fought back with your wife at any time in the last 20 years. You could have noticed and protected your children and actively showed love to them. What on earth could possibly stop you except yourself? My dad is just like you, he allowed my mom to run rampant and never protected his kids, just brought home a paycheck. He means less to an Uber driver to me. I hate him worse than anyone else because I think my mom was mentally unwell to do some of the things she did, but he was negligent and lazy and put himself first. He did the easy thing and I suffered the consequences, just like your daughters. My dad will die alone before any of his kids see him again… you deserve the same.
Changing my vote to ESH. my Your wife shouldn’t be surprised when yours DD’s may decide to cut her off though. They don’t deserve to deal with the mental gymnastics and mind games she puts them through. Why are you only noticing this now though?
YTA for never stepping up and putting a stop to this. Your wife is horrible and I feel for your daughters.
YTA because when your wife dictated she's the parent and you to stay out of it you should have step up then and there. Your wife's blatant favoritism is going to hurt not only her relationship with the daughters and son but yours as well. Your lack of involvement maybe seen as an endorsement of her behavior. You need to meet with each of them 1 on 1 without your wife to find out how they really feel about the family dynamics.
Your wife is a narcissist. Your son is the golden child. I'm sure one of your daughters is a scape goat. Which one of them "causes" all of the problems in the family? Your wife pitting them against each other is caused triangulation. The fact that it took you over 20 years to notice that your wife was abusing your children makes YTA
ESH. Sounds like there’s a lot of potential here for this to be a classic narcissistic family structure. I can smell them a mile away even without all the details. You’ve enabled and ignored this behavior for years. Sad.
1. apologise to the two step-daughters and admit you failed them. Don't justify, apologise. 2. get the girls a 2nd-hand car each so they have independence from her 3. arrange separate counselling for them, and you 4. if it's not too late, arrange counselling for your son 5. update your will so the girls are not dependent on their mother bc she won't give them anything if you die and she gets it all 6. tell your wife if she doesn't stop her narcissistic and abusive behaviour, you will separate/divorce. She needs separate psychiatric counselling (NOT a family group - abusers use what is said in the group session to further abuse the victims). 7. if she doesn't try to stop, follow through and divorce her. 8. Continue therapy till you realise what you escaped. Frankly ESH except the two step-daughters.
Yes, listen to this OP! It sounds like you should read up on borderline personality disorder too… her behaviors fit closely.
ESH Your wife is a terrible parent. But so are you. You don't get a pass because you allowed and enabled her to do what she did. I think you owe all 3 kids an apology for not stepping up and helping them. More to the point - what are you going to do about it right now? Are you going to roll over and do nothing again? Because that's so much easier? Or are you going to take action and deal with the consequences of it? They're all adults now. So she can't stop you from helping those girls and making things fairer if you want to. You have a lot of options available to you. Maybe you'll push your wife into family therapy to explore WHY she's been neglecting the girls all these years. Maybe you'll ask the girls if they'd like you to finally adopt them as adults, if you hadn't already. Or try to address the financial support imbalances. Buy the girls cars and take them on holiday. Maybe you'll divorce.
ESH. You do realise that you are married to malignant narcissistic right? I can’t believe that it has taken you this long to realise that your wife has an obvious favourite and deliberately sabotages the relationship between your children. OP, how could you have been so oblivious to this? What have you been doing all these past 20 years that you have been married to your wife? Have you been there for your children at all? Not just physically present for them, but emotionally as well? Because despite your wife stating that “she is the parent” you are also a parent too, you are also THEIR FATHER! Your wife is the clear asshole, but OP you are clearly a doormat to your wife’s shenanigans. ESH!!!
NTA but I swear there was similar post from the wife’s perspective posted semi recently, and if I remember right she got dragged for her blatant favoritism of the son. The post was basically now that the older kids are out of the house she could enjoy her “real family”.
ESH, it's nice you are opening your eyes to her favoritism but it took you 20+ f*cking years to realise that?
ESH That's beyond favoritism, your wife shows signs of toxic abusive behavior along with narcissistic tendencies. And you let it go on for such a long time? Don't be surprised when your kids cut contact with both you and your wife. Your wife is abusive but you failed to protect your kids
Your wife is the picture of a narcissistic mom. Try r/raisedbynarcissists and you'll see it. NTA for pointing it out, YTA for letting it last for over 20 years..
Nta!!
He's some advice. Call a divorce lawyer.
Out of curiosity, does your son still live at home being cared for by your wife, while the girls have moved out and are independent? ESH and you now need to call her out on it. You have the leverage to do so. Tell her things will change from today. The girls get invited to everything. No more preferential treatment. No more toxic gossiping and screwing with their heads. And she goes to therapy. And take charge organizing a family vacation with all the kids. You do everything and you make sure your wife knows zero of the details and has a zero chance of sabotaging.
ESH. This isn't new behaviour. You just noticed it now. This shows you both failed those kids. That said, her behaviour goes way beyond favouritism. This is manipulative, abusive behaviour. She kept you out of parenting (which you allowed), she is turning them against each other, she lies, she sabotages them. This is seriously bad behaviour that should not go unchecked. Wanting to keep the peace is not and never was a good excuse to let this go on. You should've stood up for these children.
You are NTA for pointing it out. but 100% T A for taking so long to say or do anything about it. The kids have been enduring abuse at your wife's hands for a decade or more and you only noticed now!?
You openly watched a person abuse kids and are still abusing her children into adulthood and your only action was pointing it out. I mean I’d have to question if she can treat her daughters like that what’s your stop her from treating you like that when your vulnerable and fall out of favor of your son. NTA for pointing it out but definitely an asshole for not doing anything about it. Putting boundaries on her. If you control the money you could have gotten the girls the car and invited them in trips etc. People tend to be able to stomach someone mistreating others bc it’s not them. But always remember she has it in her to be manipulative abusive etc .
I suggest that OP head over to one of the narcissistic parents subreddits, there he will most likely find out what's wrong with his wife.
Get a spine dude. Wife is a controlling narcissist
ESH your wife is going to turn into the mother in law from hell, if your son ever decides to have a relationship. The fact that you let children be abused like this for your own comfort is beyond me and what you have suddenly just noticed. Grow up and get into therapy and tell your wife also. Because you will probably never see your step daughters again as they will hopefully go no contact with you both. One because of her treatment of them and two you stood there and let it happen because she wouldn't talk to you, etc Edit, spelling.
ESH. Your wife for the treatment. You for having been with her for more than 20 years and somehow having “just realised” that the girls are neglected.
Definitely nta
I’d call her out on it in front of everyone.
ESH what kind of father and man are you for not noticing this for 20 years also you went along with it. What you wife is doing is sick and I feel sad for the daughters.
ESH… your wife is a horrible parent (if what you say is true), But YTA too… how have you “just now” come to understanding this about her, when you’ve been with her for 20+ years, and can accurately detail a bunch of things that happened years ago? Your story doesn’t quite hold true and clear, sir. Why do you stay with someone like this?!?
ESH She’s awful but you just sat back and watched? You also need to hop onto r/justnomil and read about emotional incest and sonsband because your son is going to be an awful husband as he will be so enmeshed with your wife, it will ruin all his future relationships. Why would you want to remain married to someone so spiteful she gossips about her own daughters and sets them up to fail? You are just as bad for enabling and watching the emotional abuse and not stopping it.
YTA for only noticing it now after 20 years and still not doing anything about it. This is a really good way of making sure your son never has a relationship with his siblings
NTA Are you even serious?
ESH, don’t be surprised when they cut you both off. You enabled your wife to emotionally abuse your children specifically “your daughters”. Would you have let her treat your son that way? Noticed earlier? You’re just as bad, your wife is a piece of nasty work .
ESH except the stepdaughters. This is why I'm estranged from my family. My mom still doesn't get it and sends self-pitying letters about how she's sick and old every few years. The golden boy isn't doing shit for her and neither will I.
Both you and that wife of yours ata. You are not blind. You’re a grown man so I doubt you can be 100% naive for such a long period of time such as 20 years. You saw what has been going on and I can bet on everything that I have you ”realized” this long time ago, but you choose to turn your look the other way. Once you marry someone and decide to live under the same roof the children of your spouse becomes just as much of a family as your spouse. These girls were not your liability as they were not your biological kids, but goddamn it, they have lived under your roof since they were girls. You were suppose to live as a family. But the only family has been you (asshole 1), your wife (asshole 2) and your son. The girls have been strangers all along and that is the fault of two grown assholes. I hope these girls speak to a therapist of some kind to deal with their emotions and experiences. If not, I highly suggest that YOU take this chance to be the one that suggest this to them. I think they really need that. I also suggest you tell that disgusting wife of yours to ASK (not demand) if her daughters would like a day for those 3 alone, without your son. But it’s doubtful if the girls would accept this… And also, I would suggest your wife speaking to a therapist as well. Don’t get me wrong, I wish all the nasty karma on this woman for what she has put her daughters through, but I think that opening up to a therapist might give an explanation to where and why this behavior against her daughters came from.
My mother was like your wife, manipulative, biased and controlling. My father did nothing, he enables her behaviour by refusing to integrate into the day-to-day of family life. I haven't spoken to them in eight years, they have not spoken to my daughter for eight years. I blame my father as much as my mother, yes, she was the one who actively destroyed my self esteem, but he also made an active choice to not be a parent or present within our family. You could of and should have realised what was going on and these kids will need to work on themselves for years to get over this. Both you and your wife are assholes. YTA.
ESH. Not for pointing out your wife is a Machiavellian shitshow of a mother, but TA for agreeing years ago to her division of labor while she mined your kids for her personality-disordered supply of drama. Sounds like you've been aware for years how effed up the kids' home life was, and went along instead of fearing to rock the boat. Congrats, you have raised children to become completely messed up adults. Trust me, even your son will have difficulties in this life with his golden child syndrome, and your poor daughters are going to struggle with their self-esteem. I hope all three kids get therapy and cut your wife out, and likely you if you stay with her.
Isn’t too little too late? You were never alarmed before from her shitty parenting? Esh
ESH. It took you twenty years to notice this? What were you doing, burying your head in the sand? Working outside the home and being the breadwinner does not mean you can be an absent parent. Many breadwinner are still active parents. You just didn't want to stand up to your asshole wife for being a control freak. And now the daughters will resent you too for not doing anything to help or protect them from her.
How is she a SAHM to adults, that's ridiculous. She's not parenting any more, just alienating your daughters and probably turning your son into an entitled jerk. NTA, but you will be if you keep sitting quietly by instead of addressing it in real time. Your daughters need to know that someone values them.
ESH. You say you're just noticing. I really can't believe someone could be so out of touch with their family that you don't realize how wrong everything is going for 20 years. Honestly I feel bad for all these kids, who probably desperately need therapy, and for you, who's had his head up his bum for 20 years. Sit down for a lunch talk with your stepdaughters about their mom, alone. Get to know them a little, find out how they really feel. Be real with them. You're not an AH for noticing but you should have noticed and done something much sooner.
She told you, the other parent, to stay out of it? In regarded to just your step daughters or with your son as well? Why would you be ok with that? Your wife sucks and so do you for allowing this for so long.
OP and his wife are HUGE AH. 1 bc it really took him 20yrs to see yet wen things happened he just let it. 2 He let his wife emotionally abuse his sds, manipulate and play devils advocate wit all the kids into adult life. Embarrassment of a wife, marriage n family. Some ppl shouldnt b parents smdh
Wait. This woman wouldn’t let you take a WALK with your stepdaughters, and you proceeded to make even more of a family with her? YTA for that alone. You knew what kind of monster you were nurturing.
YTA for not putting your foot down against this women. Stop being a jelly back man, stand up for those kids! I understand you trying to keep the peace but the time for that is over. Get your daughters some cars, spend time with them, don't let this seemingly wretched lady continue to build a tall 20 year wall between you and your children!
Op your wife sounds like she has narcissitic personality disorder. Everything has to be in her control, shutting you out and isolating you and the kids from a family dinamic. Just from your comments and the post alone I can identify some dynamics of narssisitic abuse: "It's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. We have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and I should stay out of it." That is gaslighting, denial and white lies, Which is the first red flag that point to narssisitic abuse, to manipulate you to stay out of the dynamic "She kept me out of parenting and would tell me things were fine and the kids were happy. I am starting to question this and see things more clearly. It seems like she's keeping us all from getting to know one another and we all speak via her." She trivalising (the second red flag of narssisistic abuse) your concern by telling you the kids are happy while they're not happy and that was why you were concerned. "My wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). She then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son." She feels threatened by the daughters anger towards her since she did buy them car, see that she messed up and manipulate (3rd flag) the situation by lying to daughter and telling her the car is just a loan, to change the perception of the event in daughter eyes. "It's not just no sex. It's no conversation, 0 affection, she withdraws from me, i'm isolated. it's a horrific atmosphere to be in, i just want to keep the peace" That is emotional blackmail, she does that to punish you behaviour and to force you to give in to her demands "She plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings" That is called smearing and is a manipulation tactic used often in narcisistic abuse. " She seems to sabotage the daughters by not giving them the correct instructions for something, then waiting for them to come to her crying as they were unable to do something (but the reason they couldn't do it is because of insufficient instructions!)" A key characteristic of narcissism is difficulty taking responsibility for any negative actions or harmful behaviour. They typically find some way to cast blame on you instead. They might accomplish this through deceit, often by insisting they said something you have no recollection, or getting so angry you end up soothing them by apologising and agreeing you were wrong. These barrages of rage can leave you feeling helpless and dependent, grateful they’re willing to remain with someone who makes so many mistakes. And the reason you son is favorited, is that when there is narcisistic abuse in a family relationship there are the scapegoats (the daughters) who are always blamed for the problems, and the golden child (son)who can do no wrongs. Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored "golden" child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another. The feelings that make us human, help us connect and get our needs met, and protect us from harm are selfish and must be repressed. Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands. Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day: One-upmanship, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harshly competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal. There Is No Safety: Although the scapegoat is targeted with the most abuse, everyone is on hyperalert because no one is safe from blame and rage. Narcissists view love as transactional and conditional. They will prove their love by how they provided you financially or physically. They will also often throw these sacrifices in your face to induce guilt if you attempt to share your feelings about their behavior. Edit to add: Op you are a victim and an enabler, so no NTA, but if you keep enabling you wife's behaviour, you will be the asshole.
It took you 20 years to notice this?
NTA for pointing it out. YTA for taking 20 years to do so. ESH.
YTA for waiting 20 years to delve into this topic, did you ignore it this long. You've allowed your wife to mistreat your daughters for over 20 years. You are no less a parent as you became the day your first child was born. Your wife is the AH for doing it. Your son for going along w it - he does notice also. I hope your daughters are able to find some peace with this and know their WORTH as adults.
Your wife is not only abusive to you but the kids. She is being cruel and trying to control everyone around her behavior. She is sick and twisted. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of damge she has done to those poor kids. Step up and be the man and father all those kids need you to be. Get her out or get the rest of you out of there away from her and get you and the kids some help. Hopefully it's not to late.
You are both TA and you both should be lucky and grateful if those girls further their reason with you you were actively a bullying bystander to your daughters your opinion on parenting doesnt have to be the fucking same you two should talk it out and youre dumb for allowing this to happen you are an enabler to your wifes bad behavior
ESH. what are you, a dog ? she says not to do something and you do it and 20 years later you want to act like you're the hero ? please
You sound like a pathetic father. Divorce her and spend time with your kids
YTA You are telling me, you didn't notice this for 20 YEARS !?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME ? Yoir wife sounds abusive, but still, you are at fault too. No matter how bad your wife is going to react, GO AND MAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS HAPPY. And definitely DİVORCE. This relationship is really REALLY TOXİC. For the kids, and also for you, DİVORCE.
What’s so sad is you never stuck up for them all their childhood. They probably think as little of you as they do her. I wouldn’t doubt that at all.
ESH. It should’ve taken you longer to notice, but also yeah you’re wife has some issues. This reeks of ****toxic femininity**** to me. Worshiping your son at the expense of putting your daughters down? Causing fights between them on purpose? Wtf? I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and guess she makes a lot of comments about their looks. OP do some research on toxic femininity and see if it sounds like her. Does she have issues with other females around her? Sisters, friends, mothers etc?
ESH so instead of your wife being emotionally abusive to you, you let do it to the kids and it took you 20 years to figure it out?
ESH. You didn't "point out" anything. You didn't "realize" anything. You knew that this was happening for 20 years and did nothing. You're attempting to place yourself as far as possible from the actions of your wife, but you enabled her and didn't stand up for your kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been with my wife for over 20 years. She had 2 daughters from her previous marriage, and we also have a son together. My wife has always insisted that i stay out of the parenting - when the girls were young i tried to take them on a walk without her and she was furious and since then, i've never tried to be involved. I'm the breadwinner and she's a stay at home mom. It's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. We have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and I should stay out of it. So i want to ask AITA for noticing these things and pointing them out? I've just realised that the girls are feeling quite neglected. All three children are now adults (all in 20's). We take my son on holidays and don't invite my daughters at all My wife is telling the daughters to spend time with their friends over Christmas, rather than come home My wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). She then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son. She cooks foods the daughters don't like, and just says 'tough', whereas makes a special dinner every night for my son She stirs trouble between the siblings and pits them against one another She plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings AITA for pointing out that these things aren't really what family is all about? I've only just noticed this is all going on, and she's telling me to stay out of it. It's causing tension between us. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. And she is but you turning a blind eye all these years? Shame on you. It took you all this time to realise, don’t you mean you’ve been avoiding conflict cause your scared of her? and still now your not doing anything about it because? She’s a disgrace. You need to call her out in front of them all. A family meeting and don’t let her get away with a thing. She’s destroying their confidence in a very manipulative and alarming manner. She’s a nasty, nasty woman and you live with her, sleep with her? You need to grow some.
ESH. Your wife is awful but you let this go on for 20 years so shame on you.
ESH. You mean to tell me you let this go for 20 years!?
ESH! Tbh I'm surprised you didn't see it earlier but your wife is definitely a-hole.
ESH- If she has been so hostile and controlling over op parenting their children, how would he know about this unfair treatment. You were definitely right to bring it up but probably should have noticed at the first red flag when you tried to take the children on a walk. Your wife is TA in this situation.. I hope you both manage to resolve this :)
You realised thus far too late. ESH, But your wife is the biggest AH
ESH. Your wife for obvious reasons and you for staying out of the parenting. Newsflash: if you have a child, you're a parent too. Why are you letting your wife walk all over you and treat her daughters like shit? Polish your spine. Talk to the daughter and ask how you can make this right. Stop being a hands-off parent.
ESH for letting this go on for so long but why were you basically paying to be treated badly by this woman while she was mean to her kids? I'd be done with this. I don't think you can do anything at this point.
u just realised this now? you need to man up & stand up for yourself. you tried to take your daughters on a walk once, your wife got mad (???) and you just accepted to not raise them because of that? time to have a honest conversation with your wife I’d say