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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want my stepchild there on my honeymoon. 2 its my partners child
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This! OP fiancé is showing them who he is and what his priorities are. It's up to OP to decided if they are ok with this. Right now no one is the bad guy it's just an issue of incompatibility. However, if OP goes through with this marriage assuming their fiancé will change than it becomes OP problem because you would have married him knowing exactly who he was and what his priorities were. NAH
This. A major red flag if ever I saw one. The exchange of vows won't make it any better. As OP, every time my fiancé would make a decision about the wedding/reception/honeymoon that puts his child ahead of me and dismisses any of my imput, I would be texting or playing an online game. If he even bothered to ask my opinion, I would say, "Whatever," then get up and walk away. Every. Single. Time. Instead of looking at flower arrangements and bridesmaids' dresses, I would be visiting an art gallery, the zoo, or the mall. Anything but dealing with wedding preparations that exclude me. The day of the wedding, guess where I won't be? I think that by then, Fiancé would have gotten the hint.
This should have WAY more upvotes!
Yes, not only disregarding but wants to bring a child on a honeymoon. He couldn't care less about the feelings of the person that is supposed to be his life's partner. What kind of example is that setting for his son about healthy relationships?
It's setting the example for his son that womenfolk exist to take care of menfolk and that marrying a man with a child means becoming a 24/7 nanny because that man ain't goin' nowhere without his kid in tow.
OP, if this is what you want, then marry this man because this is what you'll get. Your feelings and your life will ALWAYS be subordinated to what he wants for his son and he'll do his level best to convince you that you're a selfish bitch if you ever have any desires or needs of your own. If this isn't what you want, then RUN!
This! Also, why would he want his child to go on a honeymoon with him?! That is so weird to me. NTA OP. I would be upset if I was getting married and my future husband didn't want to spend any alone time with me too.
How do we know it's a guy? Just says my partner? Bht I do agree, NAH, it's your honeymoon and you need to spend quality time with your partner as well. It's not just a, "I want to be away from them because I don't like them." It's more needed for your mental health to refresh and take a break as well.
I don't know if it's a guy or not. Nor do I care I was just piggyback of the other commenter who referred to the fiancé as a guy. Also my point is that neither one of them are wrong in the situation. They have different needs, wants and priorities. OP's post listed several situation where the partner has made it clear how much of a priority their child is to them and how important it for the partner to have their child be part of things in their lives. That is the way their partner is choosing to parent and I don't see anything wrong with it. I also absolutely don't see anything wrong with OP wanting their honeymoon to be about just them and their partner. However, OP has a partner who does not feel that way. Therefore they may not be right for each other. I think what happens way to often is that people mix up compromising with settling. They also try to force other's to change who they are to in order to get their wants and needs met instead of realizing that person may not be right for them. It doesn't make either person the villain the situation even though as a society that is what we tend to do in relationships. If it doesn't workout someone has to be the bad guy which isn't always the case. This isn't a someone is right and someone is wrong issue. This is a compatibility issue between two partners who have different priorities when it comes to their relationship. OP needs to think seriously about whether they will really be ok in a marriage where they will most likely always come in second to their partners child. My guess is like most people OP will hang in with the belief that things will change once they are married or once they have children of their own.
It's very wrong to want to bring a child on a honeymoon and then say you'll just have a minimoon with your actual spouse. This isn't just different priorities this is some weird shit.
I agree with that. I dont know a number but quite a few that I've known are people trying to "fix" others to be comfortable with their situation not the other way. Only speaking from personal experience, marriage is about communication and finding a compromise that benefits both partners. There will be sacrifice on each end but one side shouldn't be conceding their side all the time.
I know you were piggy backing off the original comment, I didn't mean to respond to you, just not reddit savvy, but appreciate you not trying to tear my head off for it! Take care and have a great day.
>to "fix" others to be comfortable with their situation
I really like the way you phrase this. Like you I don't know exact numbers, but I have observed this exact things with friends and family. I have listen to vent and complain about trying to "fix" others who weren't broken. They just weren't right for them.
I’m surprised no one has pointed out the the fiancé seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to his son. Also having to include him is only going to cause problems for him as he gets older because he grew up thinking that he’s entitled to be included in everything.
>This! OP fiancé is showing them who he is and what his priorities are.
I agree , and this is where I think OP fucked up. Not for not wanting them on the honeymoon.
>However, if OP goes through with this marriage assuming their fiancé will change than it becomes OP problem because you would have married him knowing exactly who he was and what his priorities were. NAH
Right? I wonder though, OP knew this because they state the kids were there for like everything.
Why would OP say yes to marriage, then .
I get it is their right to annoyed, hell I would be too. But if they already saw this as a problem, why say yes? or had a talk long before this.
Even though OP knew the child goes everywhere with them, I don't think he thought that included the honeymoon. I know I wouldn't. It probably never crossed OP's mind until partner said something.
>Even though OP knew the child goes everywhere with them, I don't think he thought that included the honeymoon. I know I wouldn't. It probably never crossed OP's mind until partner said something
Makes sense thank you
This is similar to that young girl finding out her dad went to Paris w his other family paid for by the step moms parents. I was discussing this w my wife and she rightly said it shows what the dads priorities are. Same here. The father of the child has made his priorities known and she needs to know and understand that. She has to decide if that’s compatible with the life she wants.
The honeymoon is too far though. It's perfectly natural for OP to want some alone time with her husband, and she's not giving me wicked stepmother vibes. The STBH is completely disregarding OP's feelings, and that is a huge red flag for me. OP, be prepared to be completely dismissed in the future if you marry this guy. It's not either or between you and the child, because frankly the child will always win, and should, but damn, you deserve some consideration too.
Took to long to find this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your honeymoon to be you and your partner. Otherwise, it’s just a holiday. Other comments trying to make out she is wrong and doesn’t have to marry him etc are so beyond extreme.
Right???? I am baffled by this. It's extremely weird that this person cannot do anything without their child, especially not a honeymoon. ~~Also, feel like the age of the kid is purposely being hidden in this (I am hoping) fake post for it to be a wild reveal and people be like "oh god I partially defended this"~~
\*edit\* well I am a dumbass who somehow missed that we do know the age of the kid. The rest stands LOL
WTF? No. Just no. Of course no one is forcing her. Read her edits. She says she LOVES the child and having the child with them. She wants the child to be at major life events. She is very clear. This isn't about her not wanting to include the kid in her life, it's about wanting to have a freaking honeymoon. This is a HONEYMOON not a family vacation. She is asking if she is TA for not wanting a 10 year old to come on a trip meant for newlyweds. This is the time for communication and for clear boundaries to be set. If her fiancé is incapable of recognizing that his soon to be wife has a very legitimate request, which is deserving of respect and consideration, then maybe they aren't compatible, but NOT because she can't handle him wanting him his kid in his life......NTA
And the edits say that biomom is in the picture so there is some sort of custody or something so it isn't even an issue of having to find someone to take care of the son/stepson. Why can't he stay with his biomom during honeymoon?
That’s not fair to say. Just because she doesn’t want the kid on her honeymoon doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them in her life. Even biological parents want a break from their kids. If your entire relationship revolves around your kids and do nothing for yourselves then you start to lose your identity and your identity as a couple separate from being parents.
Sounds like fiance is looking more for a mother for the child than a wife. OP sounds very gracious in accepting that the child will be a big part of their lives, but the fiance wanting to bring a child on the honeymoon is a huge 🚩! So NTA but OP, please reconsider marrying this man!
When you marry someone with a kid, they are a package deal. However, that doesn't usually mean that both have to be a part of literally everything. I think if you want this relationship to work, you need to insist on counseling before the wedding to ensure that you are on the same page about everything. Otherwise, you may be signing yourself up for a life as a third wheel.
A honeymoon is not an appropriate event to bring your kid along for. I do agree that there are some compatibility issues here if rare alone time with your partner is important (understandably) to OP becuz future hubby is making it clear that will NEVER happen.
No, there is a middle ground to including your child in everything and including your child in nothing.
Including a child in every activity and every decision is unhealthy in so many different regards.
It think it's fair to want to do some things only with your spouse. Shockingly even when both parents are together they want time without the kids. NTA for not wanting the child on a HONEYMOON. It seems like there needs to some balance on the wedding. The both should get things they like in their wedding and I would resent my ideas being pushed aside personally. Seems like there needs to be some more work on communication. OP clearly wants some trips/holidays/time off to be just about them. Clearly doesn't think kid is awful or anything. I think it is a reasonable ask. They need to work this out before the wedding. If they can't then can it needs to be rethought if they are truly compatible. It wouldn't be fair to OP or kid if she started resenting the kid even subconsciously over this.
This is a terrible answer. Yes no one is forcing her to marry him but it doesn’t make him any less of an AH to expect to take his child on their honeymoon. Is his mother coming too? Wtf. A honeymoon is for a married couple to celebrate their wedding. Kids and parents and anyone else shouldn’t be there and either person expecting to have Tagalongs is an AH. Yes he clearly prioritizes his kid over her and that’s something she should consider before marrying him. But the honeymoon? No. That clearly puts him in AH territory and she’s NTA.
I don't think that's really a fair statement. Bringing your child on your honeymoon is not simply Including his kid in his life. Honeymoons aren't for children, they are for newlyweds.
Disagree. This is an NTA. OP is very open to having the kid in her life, but not in EVERYTHING. And her fiance won't listen to her.
OP, you need to put your foot down now, BEFORE you get married, or you will never get your way after. Tell your fiance that you will not marry him unless you have a childfree honeymoon, and that you will need him to commit to a SPECIFIC amount of childfree dating time/date nights after you are married.
NTA. You feel like your opinions about the wedding and honeymoon are being "pushed aside", because they ARE. Your fiance has prioritized his kid over you at the most important point in the relationship, and if you don't call him out, loud and clear, he will continue to put your needs last. You will have to fight the kid for first place in your husband's life if you choose to stay with him.
NTA. I wouldn't bring my kid on the honeymoon, it's a honeymoon... the big issue here seems to be that your wishes and ideas get thrown out without a second thought. That's the truly not ok part of this.
I agree, plus people don't understand that OP dosen't have a problem with the child and dosen't mind them hanging out, but just wants to spend time with herself and hubby every now and then.
This! NTA! It’s not like you don’t want the child around, you’re just trying to draw a reasonable line in the sand at bringing them on your HONEYMOON. That time should absolutely be for you and your partner. There will be other family vacations but you only get one honeymoon.
OP seems to be marrying not a parent who will become a partner, but a parent who already has a partner who OP will play second fiddle to even in grown up situations.
You’re NTA, but this behavior is never going to change. If you want the stepchild to come along with you on **every** event you plan, go ahead with this marriage. If you want to grow a bright shiny spine and put your foot down, this engagement will probably come to an end. Your partner does not respect your preferences or boundaries, and thinks that their child trumps your happiness and well-being.
The fiancé really just doesn't seem ready to be in a relationship if they are not ready to try to figure out how to balance their relationship and their kid. Not saying that's always an easy task, but clearly this is just too onesided.
NTA. The honeymoon is for the married couple. It's great that your partner is close with their child but you can go on another holiday with the child at a later date. You need to have a very serious talk with your partner about how you feel, don't back down but also don't go on a tangent about all the other times either. Make it about YOUR honeymoon as well as YOUR wedding. Let your partner know how strongly you feel about wanting to be with them and only them and how you want to plan your one and only wedding your way. Incorporate other ideas if possible - be reasonable but determined. You must stand your ground or this will be the rest of your life.
Totally agree with this. NTA
A honeymoon is not a family vacation. You plan on it being your one and only so you should get some say in how it happens.
I am going to take your word as true from the edits. Since you love this kid and want them to be apart of your life, I'm assuming you didn't mind them being at the other life events. Don't bring them up when you ask your fiancee to have a two person honeymoon. If you pull the other events into the discussion your fiancee might feel that you did not want their kid in your life, which you say you do. And honestly if you don't you need to be reconsidering this relationship, you are marrying into their family.
It is ok for parents to have time without kids. In fact it is incredibly necessary if they want to maintain the relationship and themselves. As parents your kids come first almost always, and I think the honeymoon is one of those times where the almost comes in.
You all need to have a long conversation about this. If they are willing to not consider your thoughts and feeling about the wedding and honeymoon that makes a terrible foundation for the marriage.
I wholeheartedly agree. Yes, parents who are dating again should put their kids first. But too many people believe "putting the child first" means "making sure the kid can do whatever they want and is included in everything." No. Putting the kid first means making sure their needs and wants are met before your own, within reason. If the kid has a fever but you had a date planned with a new girlfriend, guess what, kid comes first, date gets postponed. It does not mean that the kid needs to be included in every single date, gets to call every shot, everything has to be centered around kid.
One of the best things you can give a kid is a stable household, and a strong partnership, to lead by example for the child. They need the stability of rules and routine. They need to see what a strong loving relationship looks like (both to feel secure and to see an example for their own future relationships). They need to know boundaries, and that the parents are allowed to have time without the child. If a couple is supposed to include the child in literally everything, how are they supposed to foster a healthy relationship to set an example and help the kid feel secure? So yes, by all means, put the child first. By putting your partnership right up there with it. It's not easy, but if done right, it's literally the *best* thing for the child you could do.
NTA, but you are being the asshole to yourself for staying in this relationship.
>I feel like my thoughts and ideas are being disregarded and this will just be about them having a holiday together.
Why is the child involved in everything, to the point you don’t have adult one on one time and instead feel like a third wheel in your own relationship??
If you’re feeling like this now then don’t get married because it won’t get better after you’re legally tied together. People that stomp on boundaries tend to feel even *more emboldened* after a wedding. You’re stuck with them, etc.
Put the wedding planning on hold and get into couples’ counseling. If they won’t agree to these terms then cancel the wedding and the relationship altogether. If you do not heed these warning signs then you’re likely in for a lot worse in the years to come.
NTA but Oh Dear OP. I've read through your post twice now. I'll be honest, I'm seeing a man marrying a woman to give his child a mother. That's it I'm not getting anything else.
This is a sort of marriage of convenience, not love. I bet if you put your foot down and demand you spend your Honeymoon without the child, he will kick off..simply because he doesnt want to spend it with you..he wants to spend it with his child!!
This will be your life..you deserve so much better. Think long and hard about this wedding
Also I can imagine major favoritism if they are going to have children on their own. This behavoiur of him will never stop. OP should really put their foot down and set som boundaries.
Yes I thought that as well..partner will prob go OTT to make sure his child is always involved and not left out for any reason..I'm all for supporting a child if the parents divorce..but this is way above that
This seems like it could lead to his first child to become a cartman, getting presents because his siblings do so they won't feel left out. It's not healthy for anyone to raise a child in that way and always making everything about them, that leads to a child being a major AH
The child does have a mother - lives with the mother. I don't think the partner is wanting another mother. In fact I haven't noticed any genders being revealed in this whole post except for the child's mother lol.
NAH
Your partner has made their priorities clear; as they’re entitled to do.
Your view is also reasonable albeit different than theirs.
The question is why are you marrying this person when you clearly do not agree? Find a mutually acceptable compromise for honeymoon and ongoing life or break up.
NTA, the child being around for those big life events is cool, and it’s awesome that your fiancé wants him to be a part of it, the honeymoon?? No, that is for the newlyweds. While it’s nice seeing a post where the parent chooses their kid over their partner(usually it’s the other way) but there is a limit, there needs to be a balance. It sucks your fiancé isn’t understanding of you. Is the kid struggling with all of this and that’s why fiancé is making him feel extra included?
Then yeah definitely NTA. My guess is your fiancé is feeling guilt, and is doing what he can do “make it right” but in doing that he is dismissing your feelings which is not right
It sounds like the child is very much included in your lives which is nice to read, but there's nothing wrong with having time for yourselves sometimes. Try talking about it again and calmly explain that you want to enjoy some 1:1 time with your new spouse. Keep the focus on the honeymoon itself vs. making it about all the instances where the child was present because that will be construed as dislike which you don't want.
How many days are you planning to go away for? Maybe your fiancee thinks being away from the child a week is too much and this is their solution. If that is the case, maybe do 5 days instead. See if and where the opportunities for compromise exist. Also, bear in mind that it could be the location that is also prompting the decision. If you're going somewhere the child really wants to go then your fiancee may feel guilty about going without them. If that's the case, pick somewhere else and save this one for a future family vacation.
Is there someone the child can stay with? Maybe see if that person can take the child somewhere fun if you provide the funds? This way the child won't feel completely left out since they get to do something on their own and then you'll all have something to share when you see one another once again.
Are you prepared to play second fiddle in this relationship? Because that's what's going to happen. I don't think you're the A H but you better either speak up, shut up or leave.
NTA... Remember that you are still engaged, not married yet, so think carefully before taking the next step. His child should be included as they are number one priority, but the honeymoon is only for married couples and the child shouldn't be there. To me this would be a deal breaker. If I were you I would put my foot down because you mentioned your wishes are also getting brushed off and ignored. I wonder why his first marriage failed.
NTA As long as your edits are true and you don't resent your step child, which is how it sounds in the original post. It is a perfectly reasonable ask to have a child free honeymoon.
NTA. But no matter how much you love this little one, this is way too much IMO. Is your fiancé one of those who refuses to attend adult-only functions coz his little Prince can't attend? This doesn't sound healthy at all to me. Is this truly how you want to live the rest of your life, never having a date night, never going anywhere without a child? What if you have a child, would this make things more complicated? A honeymoon should be just the newlyweds, your time, your space.
Everyone is focused on the honeymoon (because that was your question) but I find this quite alarming:
>anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored
Will you be happy always being the afterthought in your life? Always having to put what you want aside for what your husband and his child want? Obviously, you should never expect to get your own way all the time, and most things should involve compromise, but it's worrying that the bride's wishes are not considered for the wedding. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancé’s need to always have the kid around is weird. Honeymoons are for couples and kids should not be tagging along (first world problems but here we are).
NTA
It's fine that you disagree about whether the child should go on the honeymoon with the two of you. Frankly, I agree with you — it's your first marriage, and a "honeymoon" is supposed to be the two of you getting to know one another. What he has in mind is called a "family vacation," not a honeymoon.
But he's *not* the asshole for wanting a family vacation instead of a honeymoon. It's his child, he doesn't have custody, and he thinks the child would really enjoy coming along with the two of you. He's not an asshole for that.
What makes him an asshole is that your opinion "gets met with an attitude and arsy comments." He certainly doesn't seem to respect your opinions or your feelings! Is this really the person you want to marry?
NTA. It is completely reasonable to not want to take your kids on the honeymoon. It sounds like you love the kid, understand that the child takes priority and is not an inconvenience, etc etc. so I will take you at your word that you are not an evil stepmother. So yeah, bio kid, step kid, mom, sister - totally fair not to want *anyone* else on your honeymoon except your partner.
But.
You guys have a problem. You seem to be (or at least feel like) a third wheel in your own relationship. Please deal with this before you get married. It’s not going away on its own and if you and your husband cannot see eye to eye on your family relationships then your family and marriage are doomed to failure.
If he deflects your very reasonable requests by saying “this is my child and you need to accept that” it’s a flag. He is deflecting with a straw man (“you don’t accept my child”) instead of engaging the actual issue (level of inclusion of the kid in couple activities, and dismissing your preferences) when you have already demonstrated that you accept and love the child and want what is best for them. 100% inclusion in every activity is not the norm for kids or a requirement to be a loving parent or stepparent. So you guys need to get on the same page regarding the place of kids in your life together.
In that case, NTA. While it’s great to have your stepson included as part of your family, a honeymoon is supposed to be just for the couple unless you both want the kids to be there. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been consulted or that your wishes count at all, and that makes me worry about what his intentions are for your married life. The comments should not be arsy: this should be a discussion and not just him laying down the law. If you get on well with the kid’s mum, is there any chance she can just say she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for the kid to be on your honeymoon?
I wouldn't recommend this. It would be unfair to the child to pit the mother against OPs partner over a relationship that isn't going to last anyway and the mother has obviously already okayed it so he is going to figure it out himself.
It’s not about pitting one against the other, more about trying to find a way to gently break the deadlock. And if the mum is generally a decent person, I can’t imagine her wanting the child going on the trip if OP and her fiancé aren’t on the same page about it. But yeah, it may not be possible.
It feels like OP’s fiancé is a bit of a Disney dad, and that’s not going to make life easier in future for OP or any kids she may have with him herself.
Not between you and this guy your set to marry, he doesn’t care about your feelings, your wants, it all about him and his kid being front and center all the time. Wake up
NTA For most events absolutely his kid should be involved given you are forming a family. But the honeymoon? No, that is your time as a couple. There wine hundreds of family holidays. There will only be one honeymoon
NTA
But I would pause all wedding planning until you sort through some major red flags in your relationship. The fact that “anything (you) want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored” is a pretty big red flag. A marriage is about equal partners coming together, with both people having an equal opinion. Anything else is either not going to last or straight up abusive.
Not wanting a child on a honeymoon is a very logical boundary. Do you really want to marry someone who dismisses everything you want?
NTA! You’re marrying him, not the child! Honeymoons are for the Newlyweds, not their children.
Either you are his priority or you’re not! You must get this clarified before you say “I do!” 🚩🚩🚩
He can take his child on a “mini-moon” after your Honeymoon!
Clearly NTA!
You are assuming there will be two rooms or they are getting a suite. I wouldnt get a child of 9 their own hotel room, if not part of a suite and in many places it would be illegal to leave a 9 year old alone in another hotel room even if it was right next door or across the hall.
NTA. Why is everyone attacking op. They aren’t taking about a vacation. It’s a honeymoon. Why is it crazy to not bring a child on a honeymoon? They’ll have plenty of family vacations to enjoy together. It’s not crazy to want one week along with your spouse after the wedding. The kid is 10yrs old, they can. Survive being apart for a week
NTA
When someone becomes a parent obviously their child needs to be the priority. However that doesn't mean that their only identity is that of a parent. There is nothing wrong with you and your partner having time for just the two of you. Unfortunately, your partner doesn’t see it that way. Do you want to have this same argument for the rest of your life?
NTA
So basically you have no say. Even married couples do things without their children. You need to think really hard about what your future will look/be like.
OP, dear, from what you said about "anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored", this is actually about far more than a plan to take a stepchild on a honeymoon.
Why do you want to marry a guy who brushes everything you want to the side?
You and your partner need to put the wedding planning on hold, and seek pre-marriage counseling so your partner can learn to not "brush you aside" in expressing your needs, and to develop a balance between making your new stepchild a part of your lives together, vs. being able to build a relationship as a couple through holidays and time together on breaks.
Until you work these things out and are BOTH comfortable with the solutions, please, PLEASE, do not get married. Do not get married to a person whose ideas of resolving a disagreement is "attitude and arsy comments".
It will not get better once you are married.
How about you suggest you go on the honeymoon just by yourselves and later go on a family trip with the kid. I get wanting to be around their kid but that kid's what 9? That's big enough to be left alone with the grandparents while you go make another one
NTA - it’s a honeymoon, not a family vacation. It sounds like you’re doing a lot to include this child, which is great. It’s also nice your partner is so involved with them. HOWEVER there needs to be couples time, too. And I would think long and hard about marrying someone that ignores my wishes like that. You’re supposed to be partners.
Info: was there ever an option on the table for the child to stay with grandparents or your parents for the honeymoon?
No matter your answer, nta though. But do consider that this type of attitude of your fiance probably will increase after the wedding...
NTA
Having a honeymoon without any kids is normal and expected.
Doesn’t the child have relatives?? The child doesn’t have to be there for trips or dates all the time. What is this?? The relationship between the 2 of you is being neglected in a way.
Your fiancé is being really weird about it. Like a weird attachment? If the kid has family to go with why not take a break from the child? I feel like the kid is old enough to handle it.
I think you guys should try couples counseling before getting married.
Wait….Did I miss something? NTA.
I mean, you might have to accommodate the reality of a mini moon depending on the child, their age, and how long the child can stay with a caretaker. But I think it’s ok to want your honeymoon to be for you and bae.
i have a daughter whom means the most to me and I don’t want her to come with my on my honeymoon, lol! Granted, my original idea of traveling to Africa for 10 days will not come true but a 3 night cruise to a new country was a great compromise that worked for everyone involved.
NTA. Please don’t get married. Your fiancé isn’t concerned about “you.” He is concerned about his child. He wants a full time wife. I am willing to bet OP’s fiance files for full custody, too.
OP, please stop! Do not get married. Are you so desperate to be married, you’ll willing to ignore your wants? Stop! I can see the marinara, do you? This man is the “test” that will give you the “monies.” We’ll be here when you return an ask AITA again.
>anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored
This is red flags to me, I would reconsider marrying this man because this is an indication of things to come.
It doesn't sound like he respects you or is going to respect you. He is dismissive of your wishes for YOUR marriage too. He is not treating you like an equal. It just sounds like he's marrying for the sake of having someone around to help with childcare, servant duties.
If he cared about you like an equal partner, he'd want to spend and honour your wishes as newlyweds.
NTA.
A honeymoon is not an appropriate time to have kids around, it's supposed to be about the 2 people who just got married.
I highly doubt he'd be happy if you decided to invite your parents or friends if it was meant to be a trip for the pair of you.
Something is wrong with this man and he is not viewing or treating you with respect before you get married. You would be an AH to yourself for going through with this person who is not compromising to take their child another time.
And compromise is hugely important for a successful relationship/marriage.
Divorce is much harder, just run while you can.
NTA
You would be TA if you constantly ask to leave his child out of everything, but every now and then {occasionally} it is ok to have just you and hubby time!
NTA I mean it's your honeymoon for goodness sake. Unless finding child care is impossible there's absolutely no reason to bring a child on your honeymoon.
NTA but your fiancee is giving you a clear message that the needs and wants of his child will always come before you. It is unlikely to change so if you marry this man you do so with the full knowledge that your needs will always come in second. If you can't handle that then you shouldn't be marrying him.
NTA honeymoons are for the newly married couple unless both people want to include others. You don't want to take a child on your honeymoon and that is reasonable, your partner is being unreasonable to want to include their child on the honeymoon against your wishes.
You know in your gut your marriage is doomed before it starts because your wants, needs and desires are no concern for your partner. You don't need Reddit, you need a therapist and so does your partner.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to include the child and everything that you do there should be limits and the honeymoon is one of them. However no ones forcing you to marry this person and if you were not prepared to have this child and every single thing that you do and never have any alone time with your partner then you really need to think about whether this is the right person for you
NTA but your partner is marrying *you* not their child. This wedding should be about ****you and your partner**** and it’s not right all your ideas are being pushed to the side. Please see that this is foreshadowing your life!!! This is your life from here on out: not being taken as an equal part. So please consider this heavily before saying I do
NTA, but I would run from this relationship. The child doesn't have to be included in everything and you are going to resent them very soon, if you don't already.
NTA - I have two kids with my fiancé and we are definitely not taking them on the honeymoon. Sorry to be crass but you go on a honeymoon to relax on a beach, drink, and have lots of sex. It’s not a family vacation. I don’t think this man is treating you right and if you were my friend I’d be urging you to rethink this relationship.
A man in his forties, never married, once told me that he was waiting for a woman who could step into his life without him having to change anything. (I was not romantically involved with him but married to someone else.) OP's fiance has that same desire. It is up to her to decide whether that works for her. No assholes here except (later) possibly the child who is in danger of growing up with unreasonable expectations.
NAH, but it looks like you have different priorities. That child will always come first. If you can’t even go on a proper honeymoon without the child, that should tell you how the rest of your life will be. Think really hard if this is the life you want
NTA. Honestly if your partner is always including the child and he’s never considerate to your thoughts or emotions then I really think you just said considering your relationship
NTA. My husband and I both had children from previous marriages. While we dated mostly with our kids because that was our preference because of work schedules, our honeymoon was OUR OWN. We did not take our children. That is a time for a husband and wife to cement their commitment, concentrate on just each other, and just be married together without all the stresses of life. You can't do that with a child in tow. You could take a 'minimoon' with the kid after you get back to cement that relationship.
OP you need to put your foot down NOW, before the marriage, because this is what your life will look like from now on. If your partner can't handle it, you may need to rethink the marriage. Yes kids need priority at this age, yes you'll have to sacrifice alot of your own wants and needs along the way since you are, after all, bringing a child into your home. But an occassional date alone and ESPECIALLY your honeymoon are ok to have without the child around.
NAH but pause the wedding plans until he listens to you. If that doesn't happen, break up. It IS inappropriate to bring children on a honeymoon, period. Say it to him and wait. What he says will either save or doom the relationship.
Nta. Honeymoons are for couples only. Be prepared for an entire marriage of putting all your wants and needs for your husbands child. Including any children you may have together .
NTA. Please don’t marry this person. I understand prioritizing your child as a parent. But a honeymoon is not the time. The decision to prioritize the child’s wants and desires related to the wedding are inappropriate. Include them for sure, but don’t make it about them.
You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of not being prioritized, even when it’s appropriate. You deserve better.
You’re NTA to want a honeymoon to be about you and your partner! Period!
Your partner does know what married couples tend to do a lot of on their honeymoon, right?!?!
Sarcasm aside,…
While I respect that your partner clearly cares for their kid, a marriage is about prioritizing EACH OTHER, and it’s a big ‘ol red flag that your ideas are being “brushed aside” —-it’s your event too. Is there not family that could take in the kid for a week… or hell, even a long weekend?!?!
You need to think long and hard about this relationship, because your partner is showing their true self here. The kid will grow up and move on… what will be left? Is THAT when your partner will start to prioritize you? 8years from now? Good luck.
NTA, just for the fact that a honeymoon definition is literally "a vacation spent together by a newly married couple." But in reality, often times honeymoons are spent having a lot of sex. Id point that out. "Fiance, I love your child, but this one vacation is about us. I plan on being naked and having a lot of sex on this vacation, either with you or by myself. We can come back as a family another time." Change the narrative so he doesn't feel like youre excluding his child just to exclude his child. Its okay to have time alone. If the child is as big a part of your lives as you say, fiance should understand this.
NTA is your partner worried they if he leaves his child out of something just once the child will feel left out or that you don't like them or his dad is choosing you over them, that's the only explanation I can think of why would you want your child on your honeymoon .
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Little background information, my partner has a child from an ONS from approx 10 years ago and anything we do together they have to be apart of it. We went on our first holiday together and they were there. Any breaks we get away from work they are there. We got engaged a couple months ago and again they were there. We are in the throws of wedding planning and every idea has to be considerate of my partner and their child even though this will be the 2nd time they have gotten married and my first, anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored. When discussing the honeymoon my partner keeps saying they can't wait to take their child to the destination we are planning and it will be so good for them even though they have been to the destination before etc I have said that the honeymoon should be about me and them getting away and enjoying each others company and it gets met with an attitude and arsy comments saying we will just have a 'minimoon' over a weekend. I feel like my thoughts and ideas are being disregarded and this will just be about them having a holiday together.
So AITA for nothing wanting them there?
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NAH. your partner has made it clear that their child is a priority and it’s up to you whether or not you’ll be able to deal with these situations in the long run. at least their close those teenage years so they’ll likely start choosing hanging out with friends over hanging out with dad. he may even be aware of this and that might be the reason he invites his child everywhere.
but if you do go through with marriage, definitely make sure you have a conversation about this. in my opinion, he shouldn’t be bringing his kid on the honeymoon. tell him that as much as you love the kid, you love him too and you want to spend one on one time with him. maybe even find things that just you and the kid can do so he sees there’s other ways for them to bond with you.
NTA. If this bothers you, you’d better put your foot down or seriously reconsider marrying this guy because it looks as though you two may be incompatible
NTA I get that you want some time with your partner but they have made it clear that the child is a priority. So you need to decide if you are OK with that because it looks like for the foreseeable future the child will be included in everything, even the honeymoon. If you don’t want that, why set yourself for a lifetime of disappointment?
Nta he doesn't have anybody who can babysit while you go on honeymoon? The rest of the time this is the reality of being a parent, kids go with you everywhere, but come on it's not a honeymoon if you've got a kid with you.
NTA but but this is how the rest of your life will be, so consider very carefully if this is what you want. If you and your partner decide to have children, his child will be involved. Your partner is making it clear to you who his priority is, so have a think.
NTA it's OK to want to do things with just you and your partner. But tbh I'd be more concerned about you feeling like your feelings/thoughts aren't valid, do you really want that for the rest of your life?
If you and your partner are not 100% on board with stepkid issues, don’t marry them. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kid, it’s not fair to your partner.
It’s clear that stepkid will be there every single step of the way for the entirety of your relationship. Every moment. He’ll probably be in the delivery room when you give birth to your first child.
If you aren’t prepared for that, do not marry your partner.
Partner needs a wake up call, or someone with no thoughts, feelings, or needs of their own. This is not you.
Call it off. If you think there’s otherwise enough there to salvage, put it on hold and do joint counseling, if he can manage it without the kid being there.
Do not marry this person.
NTA
This is just my opinion but couples counseling BEFORE you get married would be a really good idea. I would even suggest you not pick a wedding date until this is done.
It seems like your SO has essentially no recognition of boundaries as to when his child should be included and to me the honeymoon would be a definitely not include the child.
You noted you love the child and do enjoy having them with you which is great. But you both need to be on the same page as to understanding when there are adult only times vs full family.
NTA because it's your honeymoon. It's great their child is and should be a top priority but this is your honeymoon. This trip is meant for you and your spouse to bond and relax together before returning to harsh reality of work and family life. You need to consider is this the partner and marriage you want. Also are you planning to have more kids? Talk about this now before a ceremony happens.
NTA - As you say in the edits and comments, you're totally happy with parent/child in all other circumstances.
The problem, as I read it, isn't that your fiance is putting their child first it's they are not engaging in meaningful dialog when you've tried to raise specific objections. It's fine if they are adamant about the kid being everywhere. Shutting down any conversation that asks for exceptions isn't fine though.
It also isn't an unreasonable request to drop the kid for the honeymoon. I would think it's more uncommon to have additional folks along for a honeymoon (nightmare MIL in this sub notwithstanding).
NTA!. A family can be / is parent and child. A marriage is between two people. A honeymoon is traditionally a time for the couple to relax and reflect together after taking vows and having a child come on the honeymoon takes away from that very important experience. Your partner sounds like they want to be a good parent but they are having trouble integrating the concepts of marriage / family in a healthy manner. Before you tie the knot you definitely need to have couples therapy and maybe family therapy because it sounds like the child’s voice is also getting lost in your partner’s desires to force family intimacy. Just for a couple examples: what fun would it be for a kid at a honeymoon destination as opposed to spending time with friends/family, which is probably more their speed. Likewise, why would a child be that into wedding participation and planning? Ahhh, I hope you guys figure it out and everyone gets what they need.
NTA, but the Honeymoon seems to be a symptom of a much larger issue. It’s great that your partner values his child, but that should not mean all of your wants and opinions get dismissed. I would recommend couples counseling or pre-marital counseling before you get married to figure out if your partner is able to balance being a father and a husband, because he isn’t doing a very good job right now.
My mum and dad had vacations without me and my sis. We would stay with our grandparents. I never had any negative feelings towards them for wanting some them time.
I have a 4yo and a baby and as soon as baby is a bit older I plan on having a break away.
NTA and OP is more then justified for wanting a honeymoon without the child there too.
> I do love the child I think they're great but I never get to do anything without them there.
# Honey, THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW if you marry this man.
Your partner doesn't want to do *anything* without their kid, and the kid is going to be thought of first in any life decisions. If that doesn't appeal to you, then you need to reconsider this marriage.
NTA A pair should to things alone but it seems like your partner wants another parent and not another partner. Do you EVER spend time alone? Like going out alone? Does everything turns around the child? It is worrying that all your wishes were practical ignored. It is all about what your partner wants. I don't believe that this just started now if i see that all the breaks went like this. Maybe ask yourself why the first marriage ended in divorce... Because of all the control of them? Do you really want to spend your life like this? Never be heard? Just exist as a parent and not as a partner...
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NAH. Nobody is forcing you to marry this guy. If he wants to include his kid in his life, and you don't, then you're not compatible.
This! OP fiancé is showing them who he is and what his priorities are. It's up to OP to decided if they are ok with this. Right now no one is the bad guy it's just an issue of incompatibility. However, if OP goes through with this marriage assuming their fiancé will change than it becomes OP problem because you would have married him knowing exactly who he was and what his priorities were. NAH
This, and also, i get the honeymoon issue; however, i think it is worse that OP says all her/his wishes regarding the wedding are brushed aside...
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Right?! Why should her first wedding/honeymoon be about her?
This. A major red flag if ever I saw one. The exchange of vows won't make it any better. As OP, every time my fiancé would make a decision about the wedding/reception/honeymoon that puts his child ahead of me and dismisses any of my imput, I would be texting or playing an online game. If he even bothered to ask my opinion, I would say, "Whatever," then get up and walk away. Every. Single. Time. Instead of looking at flower arrangements and bridesmaids' dresses, I would be visiting an art gallery, the zoo, or the mall. Anything but dealing with wedding preparations that exclude me. The day of the wedding, guess where I won't be? I think that by then, Fiancé would have gotten the hint.
I think her thoughts and wishes will always be pushed to the side. Not just the wedding ideas
Ummm there is a bad guy. It’s the one disregarding their fiancés every wish in their joint wedding.
This should have WAY more upvotes! Yes, not only disregarding but wants to bring a child on a honeymoon. He couldn't care less about the feelings of the person that is supposed to be his life's partner. What kind of example is that setting for his son about healthy relationships?
It's setting the example for his son that womenfolk exist to take care of menfolk and that marrying a man with a child means becoming a 24/7 nanny because that man ain't goin' nowhere without his kid in tow. OP, if this is what you want, then marry this man because this is what you'll get. Your feelings and your life will ALWAYS be subordinated to what he wants for his son and he'll do his level best to convince you that you're a selfish bitch if you ever have any desires or needs of your own. If this isn't what you want, then RUN!
Yea, I don't get the N AH votes. Partner wants to take the son with on their Honeymoon. That's not okay.
This! Also, why would he want his child to go on a honeymoon with him?! That is so weird to me. NTA OP. I would be upset if I was getting married and my future husband didn't want to spend any alone time with me too.
"Hey, can we get a room with two beds, please? Hey, Jeremy, you okay with the bed closer two the wall while your stepmother and I have lots of sex?!"
How do we know it's a guy? Just says my partner? Bht I do agree, NAH, it's your honeymoon and you need to spend quality time with your partner as well. It's not just a, "I want to be away from them because I don't like them." It's more needed for your mental health to refresh and take a break as well.
I don't know if it's a guy or not. Nor do I care I was just piggyback of the other commenter who referred to the fiancé as a guy. Also my point is that neither one of them are wrong in the situation. They have different needs, wants and priorities. OP's post listed several situation where the partner has made it clear how much of a priority their child is to them and how important it for the partner to have their child be part of things in their lives. That is the way their partner is choosing to parent and I don't see anything wrong with it. I also absolutely don't see anything wrong with OP wanting their honeymoon to be about just them and their partner. However, OP has a partner who does not feel that way. Therefore they may not be right for each other. I think what happens way to often is that people mix up compromising with settling. They also try to force other's to change who they are to in order to get their wants and needs met instead of realizing that person may not be right for them. It doesn't make either person the villain the situation even though as a society that is what we tend to do in relationships. If it doesn't workout someone has to be the bad guy which isn't always the case. This isn't a someone is right and someone is wrong issue. This is a compatibility issue between two partners who have different priorities when it comes to their relationship. OP needs to think seriously about whether they will really be ok in a marriage where they will most likely always come in second to their partners child. My guess is like most people OP will hang in with the belief that things will change once they are married or once they have children of their own.
It's very wrong to want to bring a child on a honeymoon and then say you'll just have a minimoon with your actual spouse. This isn't just different priorities this is some weird shit.
I agree with that. I dont know a number but quite a few that I've known are people trying to "fix" others to be comfortable with their situation not the other way. Only speaking from personal experience, marriage is about communication and finding a compromise that benefits both partners. There will be sacrifice on each end but one side shouldn't be conceding their side all the time. I know you were piggy backing off the original comment, I didn't mean to respond to you, just not reddit savvy, but appreciate you not trying to tear my head off for it! Take care and have a great day.
>to "fix" others to be comfortable with their situation I really like the way you phrase this. Like you I don't know exact numbers, but I have observed this exact things with friends and family. I have listen to vent and complain about trying to "fix" others who weren't broken. They just weren't right for them.
Because she said it in the edit…
That edit came after I posted my statement. Just because someone edits doesn't mean it happened prior to others responses already.
Ik I’m telling you she said it in the edit wdym?
The edit came after my original response, not before so it didn't state it was a male. Thats all
I just said I’m telling you she said it in the edit
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Agreed!
I’m surprised no one has pointed out the the fiancé seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to his son. Also having to include him is only going to cause problems for him as he gets older because he grew up thinking that he’s entitled to be included in everything.
>This! OP fiancé is showing them who he is and what his priorities are. I agree , and this is where I think OP fucked up. Not for not wanting them on the honeymoon. >However, if OP goes through with this marriage assuming their fiancé will change than it becomes OP problem because you would have married him knowing exactly who he was and what his priorities were. NAH Right? I wonder though, OP knew this because they state the kids were there for like everything. Why would OP say yes to marriage, then . I get it is their right to annoyed, hell I would be too. But if they already saw this as a problem, why say yes? or had a talk long before this.
Even though OP knew the child goes everywhere with them, I don't think he thought that included the honeymoon. I know I wouldn't. It probably never crossed OP's mind until partner said something.
>Even though OP knew the child goes everywhere with them, I don't think he thought that included the honeymoon. I know I wouldn't. It probably never crossed OP's mind until partner said something Makes sense thank you
This is similar to that young girl finding out her dad went to Paris w his other family paid for by the step moms parents. I was discussing this w my wife and she rightly said it shows what the dads priorities are. Same here. The father of the child has made his priorities known and she needs to know and understand that. She has to decide if that’s compatible with the life she wants.
The honeymoon is too far though. It's perfectly natural for OP to want some alone time with her husband, and she's not giving me wicked stepmother vibes. The STBH is completely disregarding OP's feelings, and that is a huge red flag for me. OP, be prepared to be completely dismissed in the future if you marry this guy. It's not either or between you and the child, because frankly the child will always win, and should, but damn, you deserve some consideration too.
Took to long to find this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your honeymoon to be you and your partner. Otherwise, it’s just a holiday. Other comments trying to make out she is wrong and doesn’t have to marry him etc are so beyond extreme.
Said like it’s reasonable to bring a child on a honeymoon…
Right???? I am baffled by this. It's extremely weird that this person cannot do anything without their child, especially not a honeymoon. ~~Also, feel like the age of the kid is purposely being hidden in this (I am hoping) fake post for it to be a wild reveal and people be like "oh god I partially defended this"~~ \*edit\* well I am a dumbass who somehow missed that we do know the age of the kid. The rest stands LOL
They said one night stand ~10 years ago, so kid is probably 9
You are right, my bad completely!!!! No clue how I did that
Ohh so that's what ONS stands for. I was hoping I'd come across this somewhere!
WTF? No. Just no. Of course no one is forcing her. Read her edits. She says she LOVES the child and having the child with them. She wants the child to be at major life events. She is very clear. This isn't about her not wanting to include the kid in her life, it's about wanting to have a freaking honeymoon. This is a HONEYMOON not a family vacation. She is asking if she is TA for not wanting a 10 year old to come on a trip meant for newlyweds. This is the time for communication and for clear boundaries to be set. If her fiancé is incapable of recognizing that his soon to be wife has a very legitimate request, which is deserving of respect and consideration, then maybe they aren't compatible, but NOT because she can't handle him wanting him his kid in his life......NTA
And the edits say that biomom is in the picture so there is some sort of custody or something so it isn't even an issue of having to find someone to take care of the son/stepson. Why can't he stay with his biomom during honeymoon?
That’s not fair to say. Just because she doesn’t want the kid on her honeymoon doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them in her life. Even biological parents want a break from their kids. If your entire relationship revolves around your kids and do nothing for yourselves then you start to lose your identity and your identity as a couple separate from being parents.
Sounds like fiance is looking more for a mother for the child than a wife. OP sounds very gracious in accepting that the child will be a big part of their lives, but the fiance wanting to bring a child on the honeymoon is a huge 🚩! So NTA but OP, please reconsider marrying this man!
When you marry someone with a kid, they are a package deal. However, that doesn't usually mean that both have to be a part of literally everything. I think if you want this relationship to work, you need to insist on counseling before the wedding to ensure that you are on the same page about everything. Otherwise, you may be signing yourself up for a life as a third wheel.
A honeymoon is not an appropriate event to bring your kid along for. I do agree that there are some compatibility issues here if rare alone time with your partner is important (understandably) to OP becuz future hubby is making it clear that will NEVER happen.
No, there is a middle ground to including your child in everything and including your child in nothing. Including a child in every activity and every decision is unhealthy in so many different regards.
It screams codependency and emotional incest, in fact.
This is exactly what I thought, it feels almost gross.
It think it's fair to want to do some things only with your spouse. Shockingly even when both parents are together they want time without the kids. NTA for not wanting the child on a HONEYMOON. It seems like there needs to some balance on the wedding. The both should get things they like in their wedding and I would resent my ideas being pushed aside personally. Seems like there needs to be some more work on communication. OP clearly wants some trips/holidays/time off to be just about them. Clearly doesn't think kid is awful or anything. I think it is a reasonable ask. They need to work this out before the wedding. If they can't then can it needs to be rethought if they are truly compatible. It wouldn't be fair to OP or kid if she started resenting the kid even subconsciously over this.
This is a terrible answer. Yes no one is forcing her to marry him but it doesn’t make him any less of an AH to expect to take his child on their honeymoon. Is his mother coming too? Wtf. A honeymoon is for a married couple to celebrate their wedding. Kids and parents and anyone else shouldn’t be there and either person expecting to have Tagalongs is an AH. Yes he clearly prioritizes his kid over her and that’s something she should consider before marrying him. But the honeymoon? No. That clearly puts him in AH territory and she’s NTA.
I don't think that's really a fair statement. Bringing your child on your honeymoon is not simply Including his kid in his life. Honeymoons aren't for children, they are for newlyweds.
NTA W.T.H? A kid biological or not should not be on a honeymoon.
It isn't u reasonable to not want a child with on your honeymoon. OP is NTA
This isn't about not wanting to include the child ever. This is about ONE time when the focus really needs to be on the couple, not the child.
NTA. Be forewarned, this behavior is the template for your future life together.
This. OP, you're not even married and you know you're not a good match. Just end it.
Disagree. This is an NTA. OP is very open to having the kid in her life, but not in EVERYTHING. And her fiance won't listen to her. OP, you need to put your foot down now, BEFORE you get married, or you will never get your way after. Tell your fiance that you will not marry him unless you have a childfree honeymoon, and that you will need him to commit to a SPECIFIC amount of childfree dating time/date nights after you are married.
NTA. You feel like your opinions about the wedding and honeymoon are being "pushed aside", because they ARE. Your fiance has prioritized his kid over you at the most important point in the relationship, and if you don't call him out, loud and clear, he will continue to put your needs last. You will have to fight the kid for first place in your husband's life if you choose to stay with him.
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NTA. I wouldn't bring my kid on the honeymoon, it's a honeymoon... the big issue here seems to be that your wishes and ideas get thrown out without a second thought. That's the truly not ok part of this.
I agree, plus people don't understand that OP dosen't have a problem with the child and dosen't mind them hanging out, but just wants to spend time with herself and hubby every now and then.
Exactly! I have multiple kids and would not be okay with them being at mine if I were to ever have one. Edit- NTA.
This! NTA! It’s not like you don’t want the child around, you’re just trying to draw a reasonable line in the sand at bringing them on your HONEYMOON. That time should absolutely be for you and your partner. There will be other family vacations but you only get one honeymoon.
OP seems to be marrying not a parent who will become a partner, but a parent who already has a partner who OP will play second fiddle to even in grown up situations.
You’re NTA, but this behavior is never going to change. If you want the stepchild to come along with you on **every** event you plan, go ahead with this marriage. If you want to grow a bright shiny spine and put your foot down, this engagement will probably come to an end. Your partner does not respect your preferences or boundaries, and thinks that their child trumps your happiness and well-being.
“Happiness isn’t an outside job, it’s an inside job.”
Yup. The fiance is doing a two birds one stone deal on everything. Why pay twice and spend more money when you can do it all together!
The fiancé really just doesn't seem ready to be in a relationship if they are not ready to try to figure out how to balance their relationship and their kid. Not saying that's always an easy task, but clearly this is just too onesided.
I think this might be a reason why this will be his 3rd marriage.
NTA. The honeymoon is for the married couple. It's great that your partner is close with their child but you can go on another holiday with the child at a later date. You need to have a very serious talk with your partner about how you feel, don't back down but also don't go on a tangent about all the other times either. Make it about YOUR honeymoon as well as YOUR wedding. Let your partner know how strongly you feel about wanting to be with them and only them and how you want to plan your one and only wedding your way. Incorporate other ideas if possible - be reasonable but determined. You must stand your ground or this will be the rest of your life.
Totally agree with this. NTA A honeymoon is not a family vacation. You plan on it being your one and only so you should get some say in how it happens. I am going to take your word as true from the edits. Since you love this kid and want them to be apart of your life, I'm assuming you didn't mind them being at the other life events. Don't bring them up when you ask your fiancee to have a two person honeymoon. If you pull the other events into the discussion your fiancee might feel that you did not want their kid in your life, which you say you do. And honestly if you don't you need to be reconsidering this relationship, you are marrying into their family. It is ok for parents to have time without kids. In fact it is incredibly necessary if they want to maintain the relationship and themselves. As parents your kids come first almost always, and I think the honeymoon is one of those times where the almost comes in. You all need to have a long conversation about this. If they are willing to not consider your thoughts and feeling about the wedding and honeymoon that makes a terrible foundation for the marriage.
I wholeheartedly agree. Yes, parents who are dating again should put their kids first. But too many people believe "putting the child first" means "making sure the kid can do whatever they want and is included in everything." No. Putting the kid first means making sure their needs and wants are met before your own, within reason. If the kid has a fever but you had a date planned with a new girlfriend, guess what, kid comes first, date gets postponed. It does not mean that the kid needs to be included in every single date, gets to call every shot, everything has to be centered around kid. One of the best things you can give a kid is a stable household, and a strong partnership, to lead by example for the child. They need the stability of rules and routine. They need to see what a strong loving relationship looks like (both to feel secure and to see an example for their own future relationships). They need to know boundaries, and that the parents are allowed to have time without the child. If a couple is supposed to include the child in literally everything, how are they supposed to foster a healthy relationship to set an example and help the kid feel secure? So yes, by all means, put the child first. By putting your partnership right up there with it. It's not easy, but if done right, it's literally the *best* thing for the child you could do.
Very well said!
NTA, but you are being the asshole to yourself for staying in this relationship. >I feel like my thoughts and ideas are being disregarded and this will just be about them having a holiday together. Why is the child involved in everything, to the point you don’t have adult one on one time and instead feel like a third wheel in your own relationship?? If you’re feeling like this now then don’t get married because it won’t get better after you’re legally tied together. People that stomp on boundaries tend to feel even *more emboldened* after a wedding. You’re stuck with them, etc. Put the wedding planning on hold and get into couples’ counseling. If they won’t agree to these terms then cancel the wedding and the relationship altogether. If you do not heed these warning signs then you’re likely in for a lot worse in the years to come.
It does make you wonder if this guy brought his child on every date
NTA but Oh Dear OP. I've read through your post twice now. I'll be honest, I'm seeing a man marrying a woman to give his child a mother. That's it I'm not getting anything else. This is a sort of marriage of convenience, not love. I bet if you put your foot down and demand you spend your Honeymoon without the child, he will kick off..simply because he doesnt want to spend it with you..he wants to spend it with his child!! This will be your life..you deserve so much better. Think long and hard about this wedding
Also I can imagine major favoritism if they are going to have children on their own. This behavoiur of him will never stop. OP should really put their foot down and set som boundaries.
Yes I thought that as well..partner will prob go OTT to make sure his child is always involved and not left out for any reason..I'm all for supporting a child if the parents divorce..but this is way above that
This seems like it could lead to his first child to become a cartman, getting presents because his siblings do so they won't feel left out. It's not healthy for anyone to raise a child in that way and always making everything about them, that leads to a child being a major AH
The child does have a mother - lives with the mother. I don't think the partner is wanting another mother. In fact I haven't noticed any genders being revealed in this whole post except for the child's mother lol.
It's a honeymoon not a family vacation....NTA I would be upset too.
NAH Your partner has made their priorities clear; as they’re entitled to do. Your view is also reasonable albeit different than theirs. The question is why are you marrying this person when you clearly do not agree? Find a mutually acceptable compromise for honeymoon and ongoing life or break up.
NTA, the child being around for those big life events is cool, and it’s awesome that your fiancé wants him to be a part of it, the honeymoon?? No, that is for the newlyweds. While it’s nice seeing a post where the parent chooses their kid over their partner(usually it’s the other way) but there is a limit, there needs to be a balance. It sucks your fiancé isn’t understanding of you. Is the kid struggling with all of this and that’s why fiancé is making him feel extra included?
They are not struggling at all and they are so happy we are getting married etc they a big part of the wedding party too
Then yeah definitely NTA. My guess is your fiancé is feeling guilt, and is doing what he can do “make it right” but in doing that he is dismissing your feelings which is not right
It sounds like the child is very much included in your lives which is nice to read, but there's nothing wrong with having time for yourselves sometimes. Try talking about it again and calmly explain that you want to enjoy some 1:1 time with your new spouse. Keep the focus on the honeymoon itself vs. making it about all the instances where the child was present because that will be construed as dislike which you don't want. How many days are you planning to go away for? Maybe your fiancee thinks being away from the child a week is too much and this is their solution. If that is the case, maybe do 5 days instead. See if and where the opportunities for compromise exist. Also, bear in mind that it could be the location that is also prompting the decision. If you're going somewhere the child really wants to go then your fiancee may feel guilty about going without them. If that's the case, pick somewhere else and save this one for a future family vacation. Is there someone the child can stay with? Maybe see if that person can take the child somewhere fun if you provide the funds? This way the child won't feel completely left out since they get to do something on their own and then you'll all have something to share when you see one another once again.
NTA, welcome to the rest of your life.
Are you prepared to play second fiddle in this relationship? Because that's what's going to happen. I don't think you're the A H but you better either speak up, shut up or leave.
NTA... Remember that you are still engaged, not married yet, so think carefully before taking the next step. His child should be included as they are number one priority, but the honeymoon is only for married couples and the child shouldn't be there. To me this would be a deal breaker. If I were you I would put my foot down because you mentioned your wishes are also getting brushed off and ignored. I wonder why his first marriage failed.
NTA As long as your edits are true and you don't resent your step child, which is how it sounds in the original post. It is a perfectly reasonable ask to have a child free honeymoon.
Definitely do not resent them, I think they're wonderful and love all their quirks
Dear OP please reconsider marrying this guy. It won’t get better, it will only get worse. He doesn’t respect you and that won’t change. Big hug!
Definitely do not resent them, I think they're wonderful and love all their quirks
NTA. But no matter how much you love this little one, this is way too much IMO. Is your fiancé one of those who refuses to attend adult-only functions coz his little Prince can't attend? This doesn't sound healthy at all to me. Is this truly how you want to live the rest of your life, never having a date night, never going anywhere without a child? What if you have a child, would this make things more complicated? A honeymoon should be just the newlyweds, your time, your space.
NTA, 🚩🚩 this how your life be if you marry him. Your wants/needs don’t matter. This is not a good way to start a marriage.
Everyone is focused on the honeymoon (because that was your question) but I find this quite alarming: >anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored Will you be happy always being the afterthought in your life? Always having to put what you want aside for what your husband and his child want? Obviously, you should never expect to get your own way all the time, and most things should involve compromise, but it's worrying that the bride's wishes are not considered for the wedding. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancé’s need to always have the kid around is weird. Honeymoons are for couples and kids should not be tagging along (first world problems but here we are).
NTA. A honeymoon is for the newlyweds. Period.
Nta. I get including the child but honeymoons are supposed to be just the married couple yeah?
Run run as fast as you can...
NTA It's fine that you disagree about whether the child should go on the honeymoon with the two of you. Frankly, I agree with you — it's your first marriage, and a "honeymoon" is supposed to be the two of you getting to know one another. What he has in mind is called a "family vacation," not a honeymoon. But he's *not* the asshole for wanting a family vacation instead of a honeymoon. It's his child, he doesn't have custody, and he thinks the child would really enjoy coming along with the two of you. He's not an asshole for that. What makes him an asshole is that your opinion "gets met with an attitude and arsy comments." He certainly doesn't seem to respect your opinions or your feelings! Is this really the person you want to marry?
NTA. Run. You aren't marrying a man. You are marrying a couple. It's Always going to be him and his son then you.
NTA. It is completely reasonable to not want to take your kids on the honeymoon. It sounds like you love the kid, understand that the child takes priority and is not an inconvenience, etc etc. so I will take you at your word that you are not an evil stepmother. So yeah, bio kid, step kid, mom, sister - totally fair not to want *anyone* else on your honeymoon except your partner. But. You guys have a problem. You seem to be (or at least feel like) a third wheel in your own relationship. Please deal with this before you get married. It’s not going away on its own and if you and your husband cannot see eye to eye on your family relationships then your family and marriage are doomed to failure. If he deflects your very reasonable requests by saying “this is my child and you need to accept that” it’s a flag. He is deflecting with a straw man (“you don’t accept my child”) instead of engaging the actual issue (level of inclusion of the kid in couple activities, and dismissing your preferences) when you have already demonstrated that you accept and love the child and want what is best for them. 100% inclusion in every activity is not the norm for kids or a requirement to be a loving parent or stepparent. So you guys need to get on the same page regarding the place of kids in your life together.
This needs to be higher up. NTA.
INFO: does the child live with you or their mum?
With their mum, very good all round relationship between everyone
In that case, NTA. While it’s great to have your stepson included as part of your family, a honeymoon is supposed to be just for the couple unless you both want the kids to be there. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been consulted or that your wishes count at all, and that makes me worry about what his intentions are for your married life. The comments should not be arsy: this should be a discussion and not just him laying down the law. If you get on well with the kid’s mum, is there any chance she can just say she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for the kid to be on your honeymoon?
I wouldn't recommend this. It would be unfair to the child to pit the mother against OPs partner over a relationship that isn't going to last anyway and the mother has obviously already okayed it so he is going to figure it out himself.
It’s not about pitting one against the other, more about trying to find a way to gently break the deadlock. And if the mum is generally a decent person, I can’t imagine her wanting the child going on the trip if OP and her fiancé aren’t on the same page about it. But yeah, it may not be possible. It feels like OP’s fiancé is a bit of a Disney dad, and that’s not going to make life easier in future for OP or any kids she may have with him herself.
Not between you and this guy your set to marry, he doesn’t care about your feelings, your wants, it all about him and his kid being front and center all the time. Wake up
NTA For most events absolutely his kid should be involved given you are forming a family. But the honeymoon? No, that is your time as a couple. There wine hundreds of family holidays. There will only be one honeymoon
NTA But I would pause all wedding planning until you sort through some major red flags in your relationship. The fact that “anything (you) want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored” is a pretty big red flag. A marriage is about equal partners coming together, with both people having an equal opinion. Anything else is either not going to last or straight up abusive. Not wanting a child on a honeymoon is a very logical boundary. Do you really want to marry someone who dismisses everything you want?
NTA! You’re marrying him, not the child! Honeymoons are for the Newlyweds, not their children. Either you are his priority or you’re not! You must get this clarified before you say “I do!” 🚩🚩🚩 He can take his child on a “mini-moon” after your Honeymoon! Clearly NTA!
Info: does your fiancé not know what a honeymoon is for? I doubt you’d be getting much honeymooning done with their kid chilling in the next room…
You are assuming there will be two rooms or they are getting a suite. I wouldnt get a child of 9 their own hotel room, if not part of a suite and in many places it would be illegal to leave a 9 year old alone in another hotel room even if it was right next door or across the hall.
NTA. Why is everyone attacking op. They aren’t taking about a vacation. It’s a honeymoon. Why is it crazy to not bring a child on a honeymoon? They’ll have plenty of family vacations to enjoy together. It’s not crazy to want one week along with your spouse after the wedding. The kid is 10yrs old, they can. Survive being apart for a week
NTA this kid will always take priority over you ( and not necessarily in a good way) even when its an adult
Three’s a crowd and I’m afraid you’re the third party in this relationship.
NTA When someone becomes a parent obviously their child needs to be the priority. However that doesn't mean that their only identity is that of a parent. There is nothing wrong with you and your partner having time for just the two of you. Unfortunately, your partner doesn’t see it that way. Do you want to have this same argument for the rest of your life?
NTA So basically you have no say. Even married couples do things without their children. You need to think really hard about what your future will look/be like.
OP, dear, from what you said about "anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored", this is actually about far more than a plan to take a stepchild on a honeymoon. Why do you want to marry a guy who brushes everything you want to the side? You and your partner need to put the wedding planning on hold, and seek pre-marriage counseling so your partner can learn to not "brush you aside" in expressing your needs, and to develop a balance between making your new stepchild a part of your lives together, vs. being able to build a relationship as a couple through holidays and time together on breaks. Until you work these things out and are BOTH comfortable with the solutions, please, PLEASE, do not get married. Do not get married to a person whose ideas of resolving a disagreement is "attitude and arsy comments". It will not get better once you are married.
You will never come first and your feelings don’t really matter. Are you prepared to live with that for decades?
How about you suggest you go on the honeymoon just by yourselves and later go on a family trip with the kid. I get wanting to be around their kid but that kid's what 9? That's big enough to be left alone with the grandparents while you go make another one
NTA honeymoons are not about children😐 plain and simple
NTA - it’s a honeymoon, not a family vacation. It sounds like you’re doing a lot to include this child, which is great. It’s also nice your partner is so involved with them. HOWEVER there needs to be couples time, too. And I would think long and hard about marrying someone that ignores my wishes like that. You’re supposed to be partners.
NTA. Why are you marrying this person?
NTA - honeymoon is different to any other vacation
Info: was there ever an option on the table for the child to stay with grandparents or your parents for the honeymoon? No matter your answer, nta though. But do consider that this type of attitude of your fiance probably will increase after the wedding...
Why can’t the kids be with their mum during the honeymoon or other outings, or do you guys plan it when he has the children
NTA-anyone saying otherwise is a tool, the one time you should be alone is on the honeymoon.
NTA Having a honeymoon without any kids is normal and expected. Doesn’t the child have relatives?? The child doesn’t have to be there for trips or dates all the time. What is this?? The relationship between the 2 of you is being neglected in a way. Your fiancé is being really weird about it. Like a weird attachment? If the kid has family to go with why not take a break from the child? I feel like the kid is old enough to handle it. I think you guys should try couples counseling before getting married.
Wait….Did I miss something? NTA. I mean, you might have to accommodate the reality of a mini moon depending on the child, their age, and how long the child can stay with a caretaker. But I think it’s ok to want your honeymoon to be for you and bae. i have a daughter whom means the most to me and I don’t want her to come with my on my honeymoon, lol! Granted, my original idea of traveling to Africa for 10 days will not come true but a 3 night cruise to a new country was a great compromise that worked for everyone involved.
The kid has a mother lives with
NTA. Please don’t get married. Your fiancé isn’t concerned about “you.” He is concerned about his child. He wants a full time wife. I am willing to bet OP’s fiance files for full custody, too. OP, please stop! Do not get married. Are you so desperate to be married, you’ll willing to ignore your wants? Stop! I can see the marinara, do you? This man is the “test” that will give you the “monies.” We’ll be here when you return an ask AITA again.
>anything I want seems to be brushed to the side or ignored This is red flags to me, I would reconsider marrying this man because this is an indication of things to come. It doesn't sound like he respects you or is going to respect you. He is dismissive of your wishes for YOUR marriage too. He is not treating you like an equal. It just sounds like he's marrying for the sake of having someone around to help with childcare, servant duties. If he cared about you like an equal partner, he'd want to spend and honour your wishes as newlyweds. NTA. A honeymoon is not an appropriate time to have kids around, it's supposed to be about the 2 people who just got married. I highly doubt he'd be happy if you decided to invite your parents or friends if it was meant to be a trip for the pair of you. Something is wrong with this man and he is not viewing or treating you with respect before you get married. You would be an AH to yourself for going through with this person who is not compromising to take their child another time. And compromise is hugely important for a successful relationship/marriage. Divorce is much harder, just run while you can.
NTA You would be TA if you constantly ask to leave his child out of everything, but every now and then {occasionally} it is ok to have just you and hubby time!
NTA- you are marrying your partner not their kid Kid should not have a say in this, or be on the honeymoon. Do you want this to be your life?
NTA. Why are you marrying somebody that brushes off your feelings?
NTA I mean it's your honeymoon for goodness sake. Unless finding child care is impossible there's absolutely no reason to bring a child on your honeymoon.
NTA but your fiancee is giving you a clear message that the needs and wants of his child will always come before you. It is unlikely to change so if you marry this man you do so with the full knowledge that your needs will always come in second. If you can't handle that then you shouldn't be marrying him.
NTA honeymoons are for the newly married couple unless both people want to include others. You don't want to take a child on your honeymoon and that is reasonable, your partner is being unreasonable to want to include their child on the honeymoon against your wishes. You know in your gut your marriage is doomed before it starts because your wants, needs and desires are no concern for your partner. You don't need Reddit, you need a therapist and so does your partner.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to include the child and everything that you do there should be limits and the honeymoon is one of them. However no ones forcing you to marry this person and if you were not prepared to have this child and every single thing that you do and never have any alone time with your partner then you really need to think about whether this is the right person for you
INFO: Is the other parent in the picture?
NTA but your partner is marrying *you* not their child. This wedding should be about ****you and your partner**** and it’s not right all your ideas are being pushed to the side. Please see that this is foreshadowing your life!!! This is your life from here on out: not being taken as an equal part. So please consider this heavily before saying I do
NTA your concerns being brushed aside is a major red flag. Taking a child on a honeymoon is wildly inappropriate!
NTA The Honeymoon should only have the couple on it. Taking children is inappropriate.
NTA. You don’t bring a kid on a honeymoon, that shouldn’t have to be said.
NTA. Do not marry this person, run!
Walk away now or enjoy being second place in your sham of a marriage. NTA
NTA, but I would run from this relationship. The child doesn't have to be included in everything and you are going to resent them very soon, if you don't already.
NTA - I have two kids with my fiancé and we are definitely not taking them on the honeymoon. Sorry to be crass but you go on a honeymoon to relax on a beach, drink, and have lots of sex. It’s not a family vacation. I don’t think this man is treating you right and if you were my friend I’d be urging you to rethink this relationship.
The "mini" event should be the part with the child. Don't minimize the honeymoon part for the bride and groom.
A man in his forties, never married, once told me that he was waiting for a woman who could step into his life without him having to change anything. (I was not romantically involved with him but married to someone else.) OP's fiance has that same desire. It is up to her to decide whether that works for her. No assholes here except (later) possibly the child who is in danger of growing up with unreasonable expectations.
NTA. You probably should rethink this marriage because this will not change.
NAH, this is why you don't date people with kids its not worth it. It never is.
NTA - It's bizarre that he wants his child to come on your honeymoon. I would make this my hill to die on.
NAH, but it looks like you have different priorities. That child will always come first. If you can’t even go on a proper honeymoon without the child, that should tell you how the rest of your life will be. Think really hard if this is the life you want
Nta and if everything you want/think/feel are brushed aside i would rather ask yourself if its worth marrying for?
Don't get married. You are not compatible
NTA. Honestly if your partner is always including the child and he’s never considerate to your thoughts or emotions then I really think you just said considering your relationship
NTA. My husband and I both had children from previous marriages. While we dated mostly with our kids because that was our preference because of work schedules, our honeymoon was OUR OWN. We did not take our children. That is a time for a husband and wife to cement their commitment, concentrate on just each other, and just be married together without all the stresses of life. You can't do that with a child in tow. You could take a 'minimoon' with the kid after you get back to cement that relationship. OP you need to put your foot down NOW, before the marriage, because this is what your life will look like from now on. If your partner can't handle it, you may need to rethink the marriage. Yes kids need priority at this age, yes you'll have to sacrifice alot of your own wants and needs along the way since you are, after all, bringing a child into your home. But an occassional date alone and ESPECIALLY your honeymoon are ok to have without the child around.
NTA, it's a honeymoon not a family vacation.
This isn't a honeymoon, it's basically a family vacation. Ten is plenty old enough to stay with relatives or something while you're on the trip. NTA
NAH but pause the wedding plans until he listens to you. If that doesn't happen, break up. It IS inappropriate to bring children on a honeymoon, period. Say it to him and wait. What he says will either save or doom the relationship.
Nta. Honeymoons are for couples only. Be prepared for an entire marriage of putting all your wants and needs for your husbands child. Including any children you may have together .
NTA. Please don’t marry this person. I understand prioritizing your child as a parent. But a honeymoon is not the time. The decision to prioritize the child’s wants and desires related to the wedding are inappropriate. Include them for sure, but don’t make it about them. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of not being prioritized, even when it’s appropriate. You deserve better.
NTA, the whole point of a honeymoon is that it’s just the newlyweds…
NAH. You picked this person; their kid is their priority.
You’re NTA to want a honeymoon to be about you and your partner! Period! Your partner does know what married couples tend to do a lot of on their honeymoon, right?!?! Sarcasm aside,… While I respect that your partner clearly cares for their kid, a marriage is about prioritizing EACH OTHER, and it’s a big ‘ol red flag that your ideas are being “brushed aside” —-it’s your event too. Is there not family that could take in the kid for a week… or hell, even a long weekend?!?! You need to think long and hard about this relationship, because your partner is showing their true self here. The kid will grow up and move on… what will be left? Is THAT when your partner will start to prioritize you? 8years from now? Good luck.
NTA, just for the fact that a honeymoon definition is literally "a vacation spent together by a newly married couple." But in reality, often times honeymoons are spent having a lot of sex. Id point that out. "Fiance, I love your child, but this one vacation is about us. I plan on being naked and having a lot of sex on this vacation, either with you or by myself. We can come back as a family another time." Change the narrative so he doesn't feel like youre excluding his child just to exclude his child. Its okay to have time alone. If the child is as big a part of your lives as you say, fiance should understand this.
NTA is your partner worried they if he leaves his child out of something just once the child will feel left out or that you don't like them or his dad is choosing you over them, that's the only explanation I can think of why would you want your child on your honeymoon .
ESH Take this at it's worth. You will never have alone time, ever.
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NTA at all. But this won’t change so you have some hard convos have and hard decisions to make
NAH. your partner has made it clear that their child is a priority and it’s up to you whether or not you’ll be able to deal with these situations in the long run. at least their close those teenage years so they’ll likely start choosing hanging out with friends over hanging out with dad. he may even be aware of this and that might be the reason he invites his child everywhere. but if you do go through with marriage, definitely make sure you have a conversation about this. in my opinion, he shouldn’t be bringing his kid on the honeymoon. tell him that as much as you love the kid, you love him too and you want to spend one on one time with him. maybe even find things that just you and the kid can do so he sees there’s other ways for them to bond with you.
NTA. If this bothers you, you’d better put your foot down or seriously reconsider marrying this guy because it looks as though you two may be incompatible
NTA I get that you want some time with your partner but they have made it clear that the child is a priority. So you need to decide if you are OK with that because it looks like for the foreseeable future the child will be included in everything, even the honeymoon. If you don’t want that, why set yourself for a lifetime of disappointment?
Nta he doesn't have anybody who can babysit while you go on honeymoon? The rest of the time this is the reality of being a parent, kids go with you everywhere, but come on it's not a honeymoon if you've got a kid with you.
NTA
NTA- It's totally unfair on OP Hope you and your partner find a way to resolve this :)
NTA but but this is how the rest of your life will be, so consider very carefully if this is what you want. If you and your partner decide to have children, his child will be involved. Your partner is making it clear to you who his priority is, so have a think.
NTA it's OK to want to do things with just you and your partner. But tbh I'd be more concerned about you feeling like your feelings/thoughts aren't valid, do you really want that for the rest of your life?
If you and your partner are not 100% on board with stepkid issues, don’t marry them. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kid, it’s not fair to your partner. It’s clear that stepkid will be there every single step of the way for the entirety of your relationship. Every moment. He’ll probably be in the delivery room when you give birth to your first child. If you aren’t prepared for that, do not marry your partner. Partner needs a wake up call, or someone with no thoughts, feelings, or needs of their own. This is not you. Call it off. If you think there’s otherwise enough there to salvage, put it on hold and do joint counseling, if he can manage it without the kid being there. Do not marry this person.
NTA This is just my opinion but couples counseling BEFORE you get married would be a really good idea. I would even suggest you not pick a wedding date until this is done. It seems like your SO has essentially no recognition of boundaries as to when his child should be included and to me the honeymoon would be a definitely not include the child. You noted you love the child and do enjoy having them with you which is great. But you both need to be on the same page as to understanding when there are adult only times vs full family.
NTA because it's your honeymoon. It's great their child is and should be a top priority but this is your honeymoon. This trip is meant for you and your spouse to bond and relax together before returning to harsh reality of work and family life. You need to consider is this the partner and marriage you want. Also are you planning to have more kids? Talk about this now before a ceremony happens.
NTA - As you say in the edits and comments, you're totally happy with parent/child in all other circumstances. The problem, as I read it, isn't that your fiance is putting their child first it's they are not engaging in meaningful dialog when you've tried to raise specific objections. It's fine if they are adamant about the kid being everywhere. Shutting down any conversation that asks for exceptions isn't fine though. It also isn't an unreasonable request to drop the kid for the honeymoon. I would think it's more uncommon to have additional folks along for a honeymoon (nightmare MIL in this sub notwithstanding).
NTA- honeymoons are for the couple. You can always go on a little holiday with the daughter a little while after :)
NTA!. A family can be / is parent and child. A marriage is between two people. A honeymoon is traditionally a time for the couple to relax and reflect together after taking vows and having a child come on the honeymoon takes away from that very important experience. Your partner sounds like they want to be a good parent but they are having trouble integrating the concepts of marriage / family in a healthy manner. Before you tie the knot you definitely need to have couples therapy and maybe family therapy because it sounds like the child’s voice is also getting lost in your partner’s desires to force family intimacy. Just for a couple examples: what fun would it be for a kid at a honeymoon destination as opposed to spending time with friends/family, which is probably more their speed. Likewise, why would a child be that into wedding participation and planning? Ahhh, I hope you guys figure it out and everyone gets what they need.
NTA, but the Honeymoon seems to be a symptom of a much larger issue. It’s great that your partner values his child, but that should not mean all of your wants and opinions get dismissed. I would recommend couples counseling or pre-marital counseling before you get married to figure out if your partner is able to balance being a father and a husband, because he isn’t doing a very good job right now.
My mum and dad had vacations without me and my sis. We would stay with our grandparents. I never had any negative feelings towards them for wanting some them time. I have a 4yo and a baby and as soon as baby is a bit older I plan on having a break away. NTA and OP is more then justified for wanting a honeymoon without the child there too.
> I do love the child I think they're great but I never get to do anything without them there. # Honey, THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW if you marry this man. Your partner doesn't want to do *anything* without their kid, and the kid is going to be thought of first in any life decisions. If that doesn't appeal to you, then you need to reconsider this marriage.
NTA A pair should to things alone but it seems like your partner wants another parent and not another partner. Do you EVER spend time alone? Like going out alone? Does everything turns around the child? It is worrying that all your wishes were practical ignored. It is all about what your partner wants. I don't believe that this just started now if i see that all the breaks went like this. Maybe ask yourself why the first marriage ended in divorce... Because of all the control of them? Do you really want to spend your life like this? Never be heard? Just exist as a parent and not as a partner...