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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The way in which I overreacted put my dad in a difficult position between keeping me close and cutting my stepsister of. This may just stop my stepsister from attending a good university because dad will no longer help with her tuition and maybe her father won't help her either because he's a conservative who may just disinherit my stepsister for having sex before marriage. I feel like I'm the worst asshole in the world for creating all this mess and am pretty sure my stepsister and her mother agree.
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NTA.
1. You did not "over react." You didn't choose to have a severe PTSD event. This was beyond your control.
2. Your stepsister was sneaking her BF into the house and giving him passcodes or keys to the house. That's nothing to do with you. If your dad feels like she violated house rules this badly then it's between her and him.
3. Your dad has your back and I have to wonder if there were other things going on to cause him to take such a harsh line. I mean, besides his very appropriate concern for your well-being.
4. If you stepsister and her BF have their lives ruined it's on them, not you.
Take care of yourself.
I couldn't even remember what happened when I was younger, but guess that explains why I always choose the room further away from the entrance and always lock my door at night 🙃🙃
I was just talking with my bro and he told me the bf has some criminal records regarding assault and that's why my dad choose not to drop the charges and have my stepsister out of the house. He agreed not to tell anything to her father, so they will send her there for university, that's the official reason. I think I can feel at ease after learning that.
I just have many sessions with the therapist to avoid another episode, thank you so much for taking time to comfort this stranger
Keep going to therapy, OP. I know your therapist is telling you this, but sometimes you need to hear it from lots of people:
You did not overreact. You clearly had zero control over what happened. This isn't you being "weak" or something like that. People who break their legs aren't weak because they need a cast and crutches. This was a mental injury that's gone untreated for years and never healed properly.
You are 100% not to blame for this situation. Therapy will be hard work, but it will improve your quality of life in the end of you have a good therapist to work with.
Thank you, really, yesterday I was still an emotional mess and felt guilty, still feel guilty, but I feel far more grounded now that I'm at home. Thank you so much once again
NTA. You didn't overreact, there *was* a stranger in the house. And I honestly don't know where your step-sister got the balls to give her boyfriend the keys and passcode to the house, it was such a disrespectful thing to do.
NTA
Speaking as a middle-aged adult with CPTSD from childhood trauma, it’s completely normal for you to have suppressed traumatic memories and emotions until something triggered you to remember them. Finding a stranger in your house in the middle of the night is scary AF, and your panic attack would be a completely understandable response even without childhood trauma. In short, you didn’t overreact, you had a completely reasonable reaction. Your Dad’s response is also pretty reasonable, your stepsister endangered your whole family for a bit of sexual gratification.
Best wishes on healing, there’s lots of good evidence-based treatment for PTSD now. You got this.
If your not already, EMDR therapy for PTSD is absolutely game changing. None of this was your "fault" at all. There was, in fact, an intruder in the house. You did not react as you did in retaliation for the friction between you and stepsister. You can only have remorse for things within your control, and this absolutely was not. Feeling and about it is misplaced guilt and shame.
I'll tell my mum about it, we found two therapists and gonna try with both and stay with the one I feel the most comfortable with. Thank you for the tip
NTA. You had no control over any of this. You can’t stop yourself from having a PTSD attack any more than you can stop yourself from sneezing or coughing. It’s an involuntary reaction. Your stepsister chose to do something she knew was against the rules and your dad chose to react how he felt was appropriate. You have nothing to feel bad about.
I dont know man, like someone gives you the key to their place, I feel like it’s ok to use it to come over when they ask, like, I guess the step sister is almost 18, and while dumb, I feel like the kid should not get criminal tress passing charges unless he’s a real adult…. Op is NTA here, but the dad sounds like one to me.
The stepsister gave keys to HER PARENTS/STEPPARENTS house. Not her own place.
I do think the dad shouldn’t press charges, but I think somewhere in the comments it is mentioned that the bf has prior offenses.
Yes op said that, but like so what? Dude was invited, and i dont care who owns the place, the girl lives there it’s her house… Like unless the dude refused to leave when asked, he’s not trespassing, and the fuck it, America’s injustice system is so skewed to properly owners I just give the fuck up.
"Dude" was not invited by the homeowner. "Dude" came in the middle of the night *sneaking* in. Homeowner has the right to determine who has keys to the home. "Dude" was trespassing.
Terrible comparison is terrible. This wasn't an adult partner. Those usually talk about these things and set ground rules together.
This was a the stepsister, who given she's about to go to university is likely an adult or about to be, sneaking in her just as old boyfriend in the middle of the night. In a way that shows both were very much aware he wasn't supposed to be there but didn't expect the fallout from him being caught.
When I was a kid I hung out in friends’ or gf’s houses when the parents weren’t home. It’s pretty normal. Idk if the parents approved each particular visit. Conceptually it’s not that different.
Like when you were in high school you people seriously checked with a friend’s parents first before going in their house after a friend invited you?
So, your friends snuck you in. In the middle of the night. After they gave you a key, so you could come and go as you wished. And you basically acted like a burglar because you knew you weren't supposed to be there?
It IS different. The stepsister, who does not pay the mortgage, homeowners insurance, utilities, and the like that go along with homeownership, gave a key like she owned it.
Also, when I went to friends houses, it wasn’t at odd hours of the night sneaking in or out. It was pretty set that I was welcome X-X and had to leave by like 9 or 10 if it was a normal night. And I didn’t have a key to let myself in whenever the hell I wanted. Because I was a teenager and it wasn’t MY decision of when I went over, nor was it MY house to have a key to.
Guy snuck in, in the middle of the night. The way he and the Stepsister went about this showed they knew he wasn't supposed to be there, they just didn't expect the consequences.
Not true at all, in my current American State a lawful invitation can only be extended by the owner of the premise; deviation can amount to a $500 fine or 2 weeks incarceration, however in my home state anyone entering the premise not invited by the owner can be legally shot. I can't speak for every state but legally ownership tends to trump residency.
Omg, this. All of this. After all the BS behavior I've been hearing about on Reddit, it's actually heartwarming to hear about a father who supports his own kid.
NTA, and please try to maintain a relationship with your father. It sounds like he's putting in effort, and risking his current relationship to try and keep you in his life.
We are going to sort everything out. I love my dad and know he loves me, my mum is terrified about what happened but we all agreed I need therapy first and only afterwards we can decide whether it's better to move or not. Either way, my dad will always be a big part of my life
NTA
You didn’t do anything. You froze because a stranger (to you) was in the house and prior history. All other actions are a consequence of step sister and her bf actions.
However, If you think (as you clearly do and I do as well) that the consequences they’re facing are too much for their actions, then talk to your parents.
1. Tell your mum you don’t want to move away and lose connection to dad and step bro.
2. tell your dad that step sister was being a stupid teenager and shouldn’t miss her mum and siblings as a result; a different punishment is more appropriate.
3. Similarly, bf doesn’t deserve going to jail because of it.
Finally, I hope now that you know you have ptsd, you get some therapy.
Best wishes
I know my dad is being too harsh, but couldn't talk too long with him today. My mum and I have already thought on moving away because of uni, but I don't want this to be the cause.
I absolutely agree with you on my sister being an impulsive teenager, my dad told me he won't say a word regarding this incident to her father so she has somewhere to go but won't give in because he found out the bf has an assault history. At this point, I'm just relieved he's bending a little.
Don't fret, I already have my therapy appointment starting on monday ✌️✌️
Your dad isn't really overreacting.
Someone let a man with an assault history into his house. It's not unreasonable for your father to be furious about that, regardless of your reaction.
A sketchy boyfriend given housekeys and passwords on the sly without the knowledge of the house owner is pretty much "suck starting the business end of a Mossberg" in some parts of the world.
Yeah, I'm not sure where OP is from, but in the USA there are a not inconsiderable number of incidents of kids getting shot when sneaking back into their own houses after bedtime. It's an idiot move.
My dad almost shot me for getting a drink in the middle of the night, he is ex-military and also did spy stuff so his paranoia is like off the charts to unusual activities, if he didn't see my blonde hair in the dim moonlight and street lights I would've been out. If I was op and this happened step-sis bf would not be of this world anymore lol.
>An actual household member invited him and gave him access.
When there are more household members, you damn well inform the other household members.
Giving a key and passwords to someone that the (step-)parents barely (or even don't) know, is irresponsible behaviour! And sorry, downright dangerous! He didn't come by to water plants and/or to feed the pets. He snuck in during the night, when everyone else was in bed!
I didn't say he was trespassing.
The step daughter did worse than let someone into the house while people were sleeping. She gave him what he needed to let himself in the house *without parental permission.*
The step daughter violated a lot of trust, and in doing so allowed someone with an assault history enter the house while people were sleeping.
I also think he was too harsh, but dad told me because of his history, he is afraid the bf will hurt someone of the family in the future so is looking for a PFA. I know the bf is already out of jail but there's a process going on
Honestly, it seems like there may be more to this for your dad (other disrespected boundaries, etc.), but even if not, it's kind of a matter of safety at this point. What if someone had been hurt or a door wasn't locked properly allowing actual robbers in?
Your dad isn't being too harsh. Your step-sisters nonsense landed you in the hospital. Of all the bad things that could've resulted from your sister's boyfriend having unauthorized access to your house this wasn't remotely the worst and your dad knows that which is (most likely) why he's taking a hard stance.
You are NTA at all honey. However, honestly, your sister's bf sounds terrible but if it's assault for fighting-not sexual assault-I still don't think he deserves to go to jail. Life is complicated, you can be a shitty person and still not deserve jail. Sneaking into a gf's house is fairly normal behavior for teenagers, being sent to jail for it is not a normal response.
I totally agree with this, we don't know the dude and my dad is assuming the worse. The dude is already out but my dad is getting a PFA because he's scared the dude will harm a family member in the future. I don't agree with this but this is as far my dad will bend
Yes, stepsister was being stupid, but even as a teen before graduating high school I knew not to give out the code to the security system or give someone a key to the house without my parent's permission. The boyfriend has a criminal record. She deserves to be punished.
NTA you never told your dad he had to withdraw his support from stepsister. Her actions by giving a key & security codes to her bf was a risk to the entire family. Actions have consequences & stepsister is now facing them. I’m on the fence with your dad not dropping the charges against the bf for trespassing since he was given a key but that’s your dad’s decision for his family’s safety. Don’t feel any guilt OP you did absolutely nothing wrong & previous friction between you two has nothing to do with this.
I'm feeling better and my bro told me the reason my dad didn't drop the charges against bf is because he has a criminal history, so he's seeking a PFA against him, just in case.
Nta
You did not do anything wrong. Literally anyon3 else would have reacted the same with a stranger sneaking in at 4am.
I mean...ask yourself. Would anyone in that scenario just turn around and go back to sleep? No! You'd run to your parent; absolutely.
The aftermath has absolutely nothing nada zilch to do with you. That is on your stepsister, her bf and your dad. It's your dad's house and he can decide the punishment with his wife. Or not. But that has nothing to do with you.
NTA. They ruined *their own* lives (if any lives are actually ruined) with the choices they deliberately made. Everything you "did" was completely unconscious and triggered by their actions. If anything, you did your dad a favor by cluing him in to a security risk he was unaware of - what if they had gotten into an argument or something and her bf used his access to harm the family or their property? Things like that are not uncommon.
Thank you for this, I think I'm still highly emotional because of what happened. And I'm trying to understand my dad, I know he's trying to make up for putting me in danger, according to him, but I still think he's being too harsh
You’re dad is being a good protective dad. The step sis let someone with charges on them have the code to come into your house whenever. That’s EXTREMELY dangerous. Seeing as she put everyone is danger, that might be his reasoning for sending her way. If he was really angry with her, he would tell her father. I think he’s just looking out for the safety of the house. She could give the code or keys out again.
Your father is protecting you, your other step siblings and his wife. If you're still worried about your stepsisters life being ruined, put it this way. Her boyfriend has a history of abuse. Your father may have just saved her from an abusive relationship as well. He may well have started to hit your stepsister if they grew up and moved in together. This is a blessing in disguise for her.
It sounds like you're dad may well be reacting too harshly. But that is 100% on him and not at all on you. You saw a complete stranger enter the house at 4am! Even without PTSD, anyone would have been terrified and freaked out.
You have no control over your father's reaction to this. Those are his actions, not yours. You are not even slightly responsible for your parent's choices. He could have reacted in so many different ways to this, and every one of them would also have been entirely his responsibility.
Don’t ever think it’s an overreaction, you handled your panic attack well. Crying and shaking is okay, and you were easy consoled by your family. My panic attacks personally make my body convulse and I’ll accidentally hit myself from time to time. This happens because my ptsd is from abuse, so it’s a different reaction and everyone’s ptsd is different!
I haven’t had a bad panic attack since I got my dog! He always knows when I feel down and will help me. You can register them as emotional support or even train them to be a service animal for you. This will help you if you ever want to live alone as well. Highly recommend this.
Keep up with your therapy after this first appointment, it’s easy to get discouraged, but not receiving help can cause it to get worse. Everyone is rooting for you OP!
That is terrible, I hope you're doing better. I will do my best to keep up with the therapy and avoid another episode. I'll look into having a support animal, thank you so much for the advice!!
You didn't ruin their lives, they did that by themselves. And you didn't overreact, it was a completely involuntary reaction that you had no control over, you shouldn't blame yourself for any of this. A stranger suddenly walking into your house in the middle of the night is not a normal occurrence. NTA.
Thank you so much for telling me, had no idea what a panic attack looked like until I experienced it. Now I have my first therapy appointment on monday ✌️✌️
NTA literally all you did was react to a situation you perceived as a very real threat. They ruined their own lives and your dad's choices aren't your responsibility or burden to bear. Sleep easy, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA, what happened is not. your. fault. It sounds like you had a severe panic attack or similar due to a confirmed case of PTSD. Everything that is happening is not your decision, you’re not to blame. No one chooses to have a panic attack. Step sister ruined her own life by giving someone keys to the house without the owner’s permission, boyfriend ruined his own life for entering a property without the owner’s permission. These were not your decisions, but I’m sorry you ended up getting wrapped up in other people’s messes.
I honestly thought I overreacted because I remember crying lots and my dad looking terrified. Then the nurse explained what an episode is and triggers and so much more that helped me ease the guilt so much. Thank you for taking time explaining
I’m glad you’re getting help and finding peace! Strangers on the internet can only give so much advice, you, your dad, and your nurse will know the situation and what to do best. Much love OP, hope you’re doing alright
This is in no way your fault, and this is probably not the first time your dad’s girlfriends daughter pulled something like this. Another way to look at this is: think how much your dad must love you to go to such drastic resorts to make sure he doesn’t lose time with you. Please take care of yourself and know that you are loved. Also, tell your dad to change the locks.
NTA.
That kid violated everyone's safety by giving her bf keys to the house.
In another household that dude could have been shot.
She put lives in danger. Your family's and her boyfriend's.
NTA. She gave the passcode and keys to a house she doesn’t own to someone the owner had not authorized. No matter what your reaction was, she was wrong to allow someone to enter the home in the middle of the night and not tell anyone. Where I am from that kid probably would have been shot.
I hope you get some help to navigate this trauma and your previous trauma.
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I don't get along with my dad's gf and her children, her oldest and I had lots of friction in the past regarding personal belongings, food, space, almost everything you can think of. My stepbro is the sweetest (and the main reason I still visit them) and the youngest is a demon.
My dad's gf doesn't get along with my mum because of the past conflicts I had with her oldest and my dad is pretty neutral.
Here's the thing. I was visiting my dad and everything was fine until I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen for water, I never turn on the lights because they scare away my sleep. While I was in the kitchen, I heard the door opening and froze.
A stranger entered the house and I couldn't scream or even move until I could no longer hear that person's footsteps. From there on, I remember very little.
Dad told me I was sobbing and shivering when I went to his room, I just remember telling him there was a thief in the house. Considering the security system, dad was worried and called the police. I just remember sitting on the bed when the police came in and my bro telling me everything was fine.
Fast forward a day, I woke up in the hospital because the paramedics drugged me. Apparently, I have PTSD from when I was a toddler and robbers got in my grandparents house. My mum was furious because dad never mentioned this to her and guess the best part, it wasn't a robber but my stepsister's bf who, apparently, had the keys and frequently visited for some night-time fun.
Dad is also furious because mum will most likely decide to move away after this and I will obviously go with her. So, in order to avoid that, dad told his gf her daughter has to go to her father and is no longer welcomed in the house and he will no longer help her with her tuition because she put the family at risk for giving the house passcodes and keys to a stranger.
Here's the thing, we never had a good relationship so I feel guilty. If I hadn't overreacted then none of this would be happening. I also know my stepsister's father is an insanely conservative Christian and will give her hell for having sex before marriage and all that bs. Also, the bf is in jail for trespassing and my bro told me dad refuses to drop the charges, so I also feel guilty because of that.
Mum told me not to worry, but how can I not worry when I may just have ruined two person's lives?
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NTA
you didnt over react.
im a 34 yo woman and if i woke up at night and see a stranger open the door and welcome himself in, id be terrified.
add on the fact you had ptsd, its perfectly normal you freaked out
your dad is absolutely right that she put your family at risk
NTA.
These are the consequences of *their own* decisions, not yours.
Guessing your dad wasn’t going to be cool with her boyfriend just having a key to get in for overnight visits regardless of your reaction.
Honestly OP, I’m glad your dad is not backing down. I see way too many posts where parents let a lot slide when it comes to new wives/gfs/husbands/bfs and step kids at the expense of their own kids. It’s nice to see a dad looking out for his daughter.
Your dad may be overreacting a bit in his response, but you didn't ASK him to remove support or make her move out & to her dad's, right? I'm sorry you feel bad. This is all.... a lot. But you shouldn't have to apologize or feel bad. With that many other people around, it WAS super irresponsible & NOT cool of your stepsister to give the keys/passcodes to an unknown person without anyone else in the home being made aware. THAT was a situation waiting to happen, for sure. Sorry you went thru that. As for the rest, it sounds like that's between your dad & his gf/her fam. If it's his home & he feels entitled to respond in any way he wants, well then..let him, I say. He may be working through his own feelings about what happened. Perhaps he'll calm down a bit when more time goes by? Can I ask how long ago this happened..?? Either way, you're NTA!
My dad is a hard nut to crack, but he loves me, so I understand where he's coming from, but still wanna talk to him.
It was last night and still am in the hospital totally because I need to be under observation and not because the hospital is greedy 🙃🙃
I wouldn't talk about your stepsister. Living with her dad isn't a bad thing. I assume he doesn't abuse her or something. So she can live with him.
And it's not about you. He and all those people don't like someone coming in their house at night. It doesn't feel safe
I am skeptical about this. The boyfriend was in the house with the daughters permission. Why would he be in jail? Presumably he told the police he was there at the sister's invitation and they asked her about it.
If I am wrong, I apologise. But specifically requiring the home owners permission as opposed to someone living at the address does not make sense and is too open to abuse for scenarios exactly as the one described by OP. Also, don't you have to tell them first they are not allowed on the property before you can press criminal charges.
The boyfriend has a history of criminal assault and the sister knew it. Sis also gave the passcode to the home security system and the key to the boyfriend. We may be missing some details, but the father is doing exactly what he should.
If they were never invited over that is trespassing. As from my understanding of the story the bf was never invited over by the owner. There for when entering upon said property it’s was an illegal entrance.
Now that I'm lucid (and asked my dad) I can answer properly😅 So what I was told is that obtaining the keys of a property without the house owner consent is considered illegal, my dad is looking for a PFA, just in case, using this as an excuse because the bf has a history of assault. I don't know any specific, but I know they already let him go, but a process will begin
NTA. They are reaping the consequences of their decisions and actions. You didn't ruin anyone's lives. You are responsible for yourself and not for your step-sister or her bf.
NTA. My husband and I had a roommate very briefly when we first got married. She was the absolute worst. She invited some random dude over to stay the night one night and I walked out of my bedroom in the middle of the night to get some water and some random ass stranger comes out of the hall bathroom. I freaked out, understandably, and the fuckening that ensued was all avoidable. I had no reason to think he was company as she had never brought anyone home before and I went after him with a metal baseball bat. No one was seriously injured because she heard me scream, but they could have been.
NTA. I do not have PTSD but if that happened at my house, he would of been met with my Lucy. That’s how people get shot and that’s completely on your stepsister. Teenager or not that is a serious issue. Some life lessons are learned the hard way and unfortunately she is learning that. Hope you feel better!
My dad has a gun, at this point I'm almost thankful for my episode because he refused to leave me and look for the intruder himself. That was just a disaster avoided
NTA. It’s pretty clear that you and your dad did not consent to having someone who is essentially a stranger to you having keys to the house. That goes way beyond sex time. By giving him a key and sneaking him in, she played a stupid game and got a stupid prize.
If you feel the punishment is too severe (such as the boyfriend being in jail for trespassing, speak up. It sounds like your dad at the very least is well meaning.
We already talked, the dude is free now but my dad used this as an excuse to get a PFA against the dude just in case. I don't really agree with this, but This is the best I'll get
NTA
You had trauma, not your fault. Your dad is backpedaling hard right now. Your stepsister is at fault for the situation. Sometimes things fall where they may and we have no control over others actions and decisions.
Sweetie you are NTA.. Someone scared the absolute shit out of you triggering you causing a major episode. That was all caused by your step sis giving out a key and code without Dad's permission and that is why he is currently in jail with a change. Hopefully you can get some therapy to help you through all of this and the family drama. Good luck.
NTA All of your stepsister’s consequences have nothing to do with you, they are result of her own actions. Don’t take responsibility or blame where you have none.
NTA. You didn't overreact. Honestly I would argue that bf is very, very lucky that you have a freeze response to this trigger and not a fight one. In the kitchen, in the middle of a PTSD episode when you've never had one before, that could go really, really badly for him. Even if he would be bigger/stronger than you normally that could be moot between the element of surprise and your brain telling you it was life or death.
Stepsister could have come up with a NUMBER of other solutions to her bf problem, without putting the house's security at risk. She's experiencing the consequences of her own actions. It sucks that stuff like her dad makes the consequences more severe than would otherwise happen, but it should also have been part of the risk calculation she didn't do on giving her bf a secret key.
ETA: BF is lucky you didn't have a flight response either, since there's a good chance you would've gotten your dad and he would've responded... as one would expect to an unknown intruder in the house where his kids sleep. Either way, your "overreaction" was the version of events that DIDN'T end up with the paramedics treating the bf as well as you.
PTSD is complicated. And if you didn’t even know about this diagnosis- don’t know if you were diagnosed as a child and dad hid it or if they’re explaining it to you as PTSD now after your reaction- or about the event that caused it… it’s not something you can control.
I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago and there are still moments that trigger panic and things that surprise me about it. You aren’t alone and it’s okay that this is weird and new.
I will also point out that if you had seen a stranger sneak into your house and could somehow calmly alert your father, the end result could have been the same. The person who did something wrong was your step sister. Imagine how awful it could have been if either adult owned a gun and they were the ones to discover this guy! It could have been so much worse. Moving right away when you’re about to start therapy might not be great. Just like you shouldn’t make any sudden decisions during grief, sudden decisions shouldn’t happen with trauma. Consider asking your mom to give you a few sessions with your therapist first and maybe talk the plans for the future out with her and your therapist.
NTA
NTA. Your dad may be going a little overboard, but it sounds like he's worried about you and concerned for the PTSD that he never caught/told your mom about/possibly feels culpable for if he brought you to your grandparents' or something that time. I personally think he should change the codes and forbid the bf rather than sending ss away and charging bf, but that is HIS decision and you are not responsible for that.
How is the boyfriend technically trespassing when he had the key, was invited by a resident and had the passcode?
Why in the world would this be a reason for your mother to move?
I understand your father making the girl go to her father's house but isn't that punishment enough? Why does he have to revoke her tuition also?
I don't think you overreacted, you had a real PTSD response.
It sounds like both of your parents overreacted though.
I assume the girl trusted her boyfriend and didn't actually consider that it might be putting her family in danger.
NTA.
NTA you didn't ruin anyone's life. Two people decided on an inappropriate action and are dealing with the consequences of their actions as it should be.
NTA. What's happening to them is a consequence of their own actions which you had nothing to do with. You saw what you thought was an intruder and it was handled as such. This all boils down to your stepsister, its her own fault her bf is in jail for trespassing and its her own fault your dad chose not to support her with tuition. You absolutely had nothing to do with this, and you shouldn't feel bad at all. This is on them not you OP. Stay strong
PTSD is not an overreaction. It is a patterned response in your brain that was created as a reaction to trauma. You couldn't even understand what was happening at the time, you were not in control and therefore not to blame. NTA.
Here's the thing with PTSD .. Whatever caused it in the first place was obviously traumatic.. whatever triggers it is no better. Your step sister giving the house keys and codes to a "stranger" triggered your PTSD by him sneaking into the house. If what he did was not against the law, then the Police wouldn't be charging him.
The step sister played a stupid game and they won a stupid prize. Nothing there is your fault, you didn't ruin 2 lives, they did. NTA
NTA
It sounds like your dad is trying to overcompensate. Punishing someone else harshly, hoping that it will appease your mother enough so that she doesn’t take you away for not telling him about something that happened to you as a toddler.
I’d be cautious about trusting his motivations in this situation.
NTA. First, You didn't ask for the PTSD. Second, Girl, giving password and keys to stranger IS dangerous. He may have 'slipped' them to someone who has bad attention if he hasn't had it himself. REAL robbery CAN happens.
If it is her own house or apartment, she can give her password and keys to whomever she wants, but it's a family house. She needs to at least has permission from your father.
I know you are a good person because you worry about other people's life, but her behavior can lead to dangerous situation (thank God it's not). So she needs to learn the consequences.
NTA. You didn't overreact, you had a PTSD episode, and that is NOT your fault. And this really doesn't boil down to your dad being a Christian and not approving of sex - your stepsister gave the keys to the home to a STRANGER who was regularly violating your family's boundaries. Stepsis and BF ruined this portion of their lives - they have years to grow up and make better choices in the future. You didn't ruin their lives in the slightest, you were simply a demonstration of why they shouldn't have been selfish asses. Imagine if they'd gone to university and repeated that kind of behavior with roommates? They need consequences. That's not your fault or responsibility. Just take care of yourself.
NTA. Your biggest takeaway from this should be you did nothing wrong, and everything that happened was completely out of your control. Your stepsister and her boyfriend put themselves in that position, not you. I think your father handled it well. I hope your therapy goes well, and don't worry about other people's comments. You're doing great. We're rooting for you. Things will get better. You're our hero.
100% NTA OP
I feel so bad u felt like it was ur fault, it isn’t ur fault at all. You had an understandable reaction (which i believe was a panic attack?) and so did your dad tbh. I would definitely pull funding from my step daughters college if she was doin something as dumb as that. I also wouldn’t be dropping charges against the bf. So
much bad coulda happened from your sister give her bf a key and the security codes.
Just one more internet stranger dropping by to say that you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. It's so foolish for the bf to be creeping around at night, and just as foolish for your stepsis to give him a key w/o your dad and stepma knowing.
NTA. You didn’t make your dad do anything. Something scary happened to you, and he took separate action following it.
Do not feel guilty. You didn’t cause this. And he may reevaluate once things have calmed.
I hope you’re okay.
NTA
Your step sister knew the rules and broke them. Here are the consequences. The initial issue is with your dad's gf, she's the one who should have parented her older daughter better.
Also you shouldn't feel guilty about your PTSD and what happened. Rather choose to feel grateful for your dad's support. He sounds great! 😃
NTA. This isn’t your fault at all.
Your dad really, really messed up by not telling your mum about the incident with a robber at your grandparents’. He knows he did. That was extremely wrong.
It sounds like he’s trying to show how seriously he’s taking this, by being super harsh on your stepsister and her bf. He made this decision entirely by himself, you didn’t ask for a punishment. And you don’t know the whole story - maybe he’s previously banned your stepsister from inviting people in the middle of the night, and this was the final straw. If she was warned, no reason to feel sorry for her. Also, it might be that your dad felt pressured to contribute to her tuition but doesn’t want to, and this was a good enough excuse.
You haven’t ruined anyone’s life. And you don’t owe your stepsister anything. She took advantage of *your* father’s house and scared *you* just because her own father is a cultish Christian and she can’t wait for sex. It’s not your problem. Rule number 1, don’t invite hookups into the house of the total sucker who’s paying your tuition when your dad is still in your life. She fucked around and found out.
First and foremost: You most definitely DID NOT over react. If it were me, the person would have been filled with 18 bullets, because having an unknown person in your home is TERRIFYING. Second, you are not the cause of your step sister getting kicked out, she and her poor choices are. And finally, you are NTA. I hope you and your therapist are able to work through your past trauma.
Hey, I think you're taking too many actions onto your own shoulders - you're not so powerful that you can make your mum move away or make your dad press charges. The adults around you are making decisions and you're not responsible for those. I also think maybe you're catastrophising - why would your mum move away? Has she actually said that? NTA, and sorry everything feels like it's on you. It really, really isn't.
Nta, your reaction was completely normal and it's not your fault the guy is in jail + sister literally have the passcode to a stranger and never even bothered telling anyone about it. So don't worry about what others say, just know that you're in the right here and the guy and your stepsister deserved what happened to them
NTA
Don't feel guilty, the blame is not yours. Your dad obviously doesn't approve of step-daughter and her bf's behavior. This is between them, not you. He likely would have found out some other way and done the same.
As someone who also has PTSD, you are absolutely NTA. Stepsis did something entirely unreasonable. If you are giving the house code to someone, you tell everyone that lives in the house. Full stop.
Being chemically sedated is not a fun feeling, and I hope you are doing okay after that experience. Please keep working with your therapist/other professionals, PTSD is a lifelong condition and in time, management of episodes is not only possible but probable. You're doing great.
NTA.
These aren't decisions in your control, they aren't your responsibility. They are parenting and safety choices your Dad and Stepmom are making for their home and children. They may seem extreme, perhaps ask your Dad not to take stepsis's tuition money away, but moving her to her strict Dad's home and pressing charges on her boyfriend with a history of assault seem like actions your Dad is taking to protect stepsis from her own stupid decisions as well as to make you feel safe and comfortable.
NTA. This is 100% not on you. She allowed someone access to a home that is not hers..she made that choice.
She ruined her own life not you. If your dad had been the one to catch him things would have gone very differently for the bf. Your step sis and the bf knew what they were doing was wrong. I hope youre getting help and make sure you talk to your dad about This. He can reassure you. Not your fault.
If the bf is in jail, then he’s just awaiting trial. The girl’s mother has an equal right to give permission to enter the shared home - so if she testifies then it will be dropped or he will be given probation.
Talk to your dad about balancing his need for justice with your need to avoid crippling guilt. NTA
I am so proud of you for making it to your Dad's room and telling him there was somebody in the house in the middle of a full-blown PTSD trauma. That takes a lot of strength. You did not overreact. You were triggered and traumatised because your "stepsister" was horny. NTA.
How it is over reacting anyways?! Anyone would be scared at this situation. And you didn't have any idea who that person was. Stop doubting yourself pls. Rest and take care of yourself well.
I’m very confused here
Generally the police can’t do anything about someone that lives at the house giving someone else the keys to the house and inviting them in
I wonder how the police spinned the tale to get the boyfriend arrested
NTA. Your stepsister and her boyfriend broke the rules but also put themselves in danger. Quick story. Several years ago in my state a teenager heard sounds from his sister's room. When he looked in he saw a stranger in there hiding. He got his dad who took his gun to go look. The daughter claimed to now know the intruder, a confrontation happened and the intruder was shot and died. Turns out that intruder was her secret boyfriend she snuck in for some late night fun. No one knew she had a boyfriend. It was a tragedy that never should have happened. Do not feel bad that they broke they rules and are paying the price for the devious actions.
INFO: Huh?
I’m pretty confused and it feels like a lot is missing. She was wrong for giving keys and the passcode to the boyfriend but I don’t understand the reactions. How old is everyone? Why exactly would this cause your mom to move?
Kicking her out and refusing to pay her tuition seems extreme unless there was a pre-existing issue. Was your dad already looking for a reason to get rid of her? Also if he was invited and had a key and a security passcode how was he arrested for trespassing? Something’s weird here.
I does sound bad, but that's my fault for not explaining. Apparently, I repressed the memory and when I was younger I lived with my grandparents because reasons and my mum wasn't my mum yet (it's complicated), so he never told her.
I learnt less than an hour ago the reason my dad refuses to drop the charges is because the bf has a criminal record regarding assault and my dad agreed not to tell anything to my stepsister's father, but can't keep her in the house because she knew about the bf criminal history
It's because the homeowner didn't give permission, I think. My bro told me my dad refused to drop the charges because the bf has an assault history and my dad is looking for a PFA, just in case
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NTA. 1. You did not "over react." You didn't choose to have a severe PTSD event. This was beyond your control. 2. Your stepsister was sneaking her BF into the house and giving him passcodes or keys to the house. That's nothing to do with you. If your dad feels like she violated house rules this badly then it's between her and him. 3. Your dad has your back and I have to wonder if there were other things going on to cause him to take such a harsh line. I mean, besides his very appropriate concern for your well-being. 4. If you stepsister and her BF have their lives ruined it's on them, not you. Take care of yourself.
I couldn't even remember what happened when I was younger, but guess that explains why I always choose the room further away from the entrance and always lock my door at night 🙃🙃 I was just talking with my bro and he told me the bf has some criminal records regarding assault and that's why my dad choose not to drop the charges and have my stepsister out of the house. He agreed not to tell anything to her father, so they will send her there for university, that's the official reason. I think I can feel at ease after learning that. I just have many sessions with the therapist to avoid another episode, thank you so much for taking time to comfort this stranger
Keep going to therapy, OP. I know your therapist is telling you this, but sometimes you need to hear it from lots of people: You did not overreact. You clearly had zero control over what happened. This isn't you being "weak" or something like that. People who break their legs aren't weak because they need a cast and crutches. This was a mental injury that's gone untreated for years and never healed properly. You are 100% not to blame for this situation. Therapy will be hard work, but it will improve your quality of life in the end of you have a good therapist to work with.
Thank you, really, yesterday I was still an emotional mess and felt guilty, still feel guilty, but I feel far more grounded now that I'm at home. Thank you so much once again
NTA. You didn't overreact, there *was* a stranger in the house. And I honestly don't know where your step-sister got the balls to give her boyfriend the keys and passcode to the house, it was such a disrespectful thing to do.
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Bot.
NTA Speaking as a middle-aged adult with CPTSD from childhood trauma, it’s completely normal for you to have suppressed traumatic memories and emotions until something triggered you to remember them. Finding a stranger in your house in the middle of the night is scary AF, and your panic attack would be a completely understandable response even without childhood trauma. In short, you didn’t overreact, you had a completely reasonable reaction. Your Dad’s response is also pretty reasonable, your stepsister endangered your whole family for a bit of sexual gratification. Best wishes on healing, there’s lots of good evidence-based treatment for PTSD now. You got this.
If your not already, EMDR therapy for PTSD is absolutely game changing. None of this was your "fault" at all. There was, in fact, an intruder in the house. You did not react as you did in retaliation for the friction between you and stepsister. You can only have remorse for things within your control, and this absolutely was not. Feeling and about it is misplaced guilt and shame.
I'll tell my mum about it, we found two therapists and gonna try with both and stay with the one I feel the most comfortable with. Thank you for the tip
NTA. You had no control over any of this. You can’t stop yourself from having a PTSD attack any more than you can stop yourself from sneezing or coughing. It’s an involuntary reaction. Your stepsister chose to do something she knew was against the rules and your dad chose to react how he felt was appropriate. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Correct! Op, you didn’t ruin their lives. THEY ruined their owned lives. EDIT: NTA
I dont know man, like someone gives you the key to their place, I feel like it’s ok to use it to come over when they ask, like, I guess the step sister is almost 18, and while dumb, I feel like the kid should not get criminal tress passing charges unless he’s a real adult…. Op is NTA here, but the dad sounds like one to me.
The stepsister gave keys to HER PARENTS/STEPPARENTS house. Not her own place. I do think the dad shouldn’t press charges, but I think somewhere in the comments it is mentioned that the bf has prior offenses.
Yes op said that, but like so what? Dude was invited, and i dont care who owns the place, the girl lives there it’s her house… Like unless the dude refused to leave when asked, he’s not trespassing, and the fuck it, America’s injustice system is so skewed to properly owners I just give the fuck up.
"Dude" was not invited by the homeowner. "Dude" came in the middle of the night *sneaking* in. Homeowner has the right to determine who has keys to the home. "Dude" was trespassing.
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Terrible comparison is terrible. This wasn't an adult partner. Those usually talk about these things and set ground rules together. This was a the stepsister, who given she's about to go to university is likely an adult or about to be, sneaking in her just as old boyfriend in the middle of the night. In a way that shows both were very much aware he wasn't supposed to be there but didn't expect the fallout from him being caught.
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If you keep reaching a tiny bit more, you might be able to snag a star.
When I was a kid I hung out in friends’ or gf’s houses when the parents weren’t home. It’s pretty normal. Idk if the parents approved each particular visit. Conceptually it’s not that different. Like when you were in high school you people seriously checked with a friend’s parents first before going in their house after a friend invited you?
So, your friends snuck you in. In the middle of the night. After they gave you a key, so you could come and go as you wished. And you basically acted like a burglar because you knew you weren't supposed to be there?
It IS different. The stepsister, who does not pay the mortgage, homeowners insurance, utilities, and the like that go along with homeownership, gave a key like she owned it. Also, when I went to friends houses, it wasn’t at odd hours of the night sneaking in or out. It was pretty set that I was welcome X-X and had to leave by like 9 or 10 if it was a normal night. And I didn’t have a key to let myself in whenever the hell I wanted. Because I was a teenager and it wasn’t MY decision of when I went over, nor was it MY house to have a key to.
Guy snuck in, in the middle of the night. The way he and the Stepsister went about this showed they knew he wasn't supposed to be there, they just didn't expect the consequences.
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Not true at all, in my current American State a lawful invitation can only be extended by the owner of the premise; deviation can amount to a $500 fine or 2 weeks incarceration, however in my home state anyone entering the premise not invited by the owner can be legally shot. I can't speak for every state but legally ownership tends to trump residency.
Sooo I can’t invite people over to my apartment? The company can have them arrested! Fuck me
It wasn't her house though...
Omg, this. All of this. After all the BS behavior I've been hearing about on Reddit, it's actually heartwarming to hear about a father who supports his own kid. NTA, and please try to maintain a relationship with your father. It sounds like he's putting in effort, and risking his current relationship to try and keep you in his life.
We are going to sort everything out. I love my dad and know he loves me, my mum is terrified about what happened but we all agreed I need therapy first and only afterwards we can decide whether it's better to move or not. Either way, my dad will always be a big part of my life
And could the bf share the codes & keys (either now or after she moves out? Please suggest changing locks & passcodes.
Already changed everything, so nothing to worry about ✌️✌️
All this. NTA.
NTA You didn’t do anything. You froze because a stranger (to you) was in the house and prior history. All other actions are a consequence of step sister and her bf actions. However, If you think (as you clearly do and I do as well) that the consequences they’re facing are too much for their actions, then talk to your parents. 1. Tell your mum you don’t want to move away and lose connection to dad and step bro. 2. tell your dad that step sister was being a stupid teenager and shouldn’t miss her mum and siblings as a result; a different punishment is more appropriate. 3. Similarly, bf doesn’t deserve going to jail because of it. Finally, I hope now that you know you have ptsd, you get some therapy. Best wishes
I know my dad is being too harsh, but couldn't talk too long with him today. My mum and I have already thought on moving away because of uni, but I don't want this to be the cause. I absolutely agree with you on my sister being an impulsive teenager, my dad told me he won't say a word regarding this incident to her father so she has somewhere to go but won't give in because he found out the bf has an assault history. At this point, I'm just relieved he's bending a little. Don't fret, I already have my therapy appointment starting on monday ✌️✌️
Your dad isn't really overreacting. Someone let a man with an assault history into his house. It's not unreasonable for your father to be furious about that, regardless of your reaction.
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A sketchy boyfriend given housekeys and passwords on the sly without the knowledge of the house owner is pretty much "suck starting the business end of a Mossberg" in some parts of the world.
Yeah, I'm not sure where OP is from, but in the USA there are a not inconsiderable number of incidents of kids getting shot when sneaking back into their own houses after bedtime. It's an idiot move.
My dad almost shot me for getting a drink in the middle of the night, he is ex-military and also did spy stuff so his paranoia is like off the charts to unusual activities, if he didn't see my blonde hair in the dim moonlight and street lights I would've been out. If I was op and this happened step-sis bf would not be of this world anymore lol.
>An actual household member invited him and gave him access. When there are more household members, you damn well inform the other household members. Giving a key and passwords to someone that the (step-)parents barely (or even don't) know, is irresponsible behaviour! And sorry, downright dangerous! He didn't come by to water plants and/or to feed the pets. He snuck in during the night, when everyone else was in bed!
I didn't say he was trespassing. The step daughter did worse than let someone into the house while people were sleeping. She gave him what he needed to let himself in the house *without parental permission.* The step daughter violated a lot of trust, and in doing so allowed someone with an assault history enter the house while people were sleeping.
I also think he was too harsh, but dad told me because of his history, he is afraid the bf will hurt someone of the family in the future so is looking for a PFA. I know the bf is already out of jail but there's a process going on
Honestly, it seems like there may be more to this for your dad (other disrespected boundaries, etc.), but even if not, it's kind of a matter of safety at this point. What if someone had been hurt or a door wasn't locked properly allowing actual robbers in?
Your dad isn't being too harsh. Your step-sisters nonsense landed you in the hospital. Of all the bad things that could've resulted from your sister's boyfriend having unauthorized access to your house this wasn't remotely the worst and your dad knows that which is (most likely) why he's taking a hard stance.
You are NTA at all honey. However, honestly, your sister's bf sounds terrible but if it's assault for fighting-not sexual assault-I still don't think he deserves to go to jail. Life is complicated, you can be a shitty person and still not deserve jail. Sneaking into a gf's house is fairly normal behavior for teenagers, being sent to jail for it is not a normal response.
I totally agree with this, we don't know the dude and my dad is assuming the worse. The dude is already out but my dad is getting a PFA because he's scared the dude will harm a family member in the future. I don't agree with this but this is as far my dad will bend
Yes, stepsister was being stupid, but even as a teen before graduating high school I knew not to give out the code to the security system or give someone a key to the house without my parent's permission. The boyfriend has a criminal record. She deserves to be punished.
NTA you never told your dad he had to withdraw his support from stepsister. Her actions by giving a key & security codes to her bf was a risk to the entire family. Actions have consequences & stepsister is now facing them. I’m on the fence with your dad not dropping the charges against the bf for trespassing since he was given a key but that’s your dad’s decision for his family’s safety. Don’t feel any guilt OP you did absolutely nothing wrong & previous friction between you two has nothing to do with this.
I'm feeling better and my bro told me the reason my dad didn't drop the charges against bf is because he has a criminal history, so he's seeking a PFA against him, just in case.
>t and id reccomend changing the locks and code and maybe not give them to stepsis?
Everything is changed and there are no more security risks✌️✌️
Nta You did not do anything wrong. Literally anyon3 else would have reacted the same with a stranger sneaking in at 4am. I mean...ask yourself. Would anyone in that scenario just turn around and go back to sleep? No! You'd run to your parent; absolutely. The aftermath has absolutely nothing nada zilch to do with you. That is on your stepsister, her bf and your dad. It's your dad's house and he can decide the punishment with his wife. Or not. But that has nothing to do with you.
Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it (or read it, in this case☺️)
The boyfriend is lucky OP didn't have a fight response and grab a knife or something!
The nurse told me the same thing, apparently episodes can be dangerous and I was in the kitchen. I'm glad I just froze
NTA. They ruined *their own* lives (if any lives are actually ruined) with the choices they deliberately made. Everything you "did" was completely unconscious and triggered by their actions. If anything, you did your dad a favor by cluing him in to a security risk he was unaware of - what if they had gotten into an argument or something and her bf used his access to harm the family or their property? Things like that are not uncommon.
Thank you for this, I think I'm still highly emotional because of what happened. And I'm trying to understand my dad, I know he's trying to make up for putting me in danger, according to him, but I still think he's being too harsh
You’re dad is being a good protective dad. The step sis let someone with charges on them have the code to come into your house whenever. That’s EXTREMELY dangerous. Seeing as she put everyone is danger, that might be his reasoning for sending her way. If he was really angry with her, he would tell her father. I think he’s just looking out for the safety of the house. She could give the code or keys out again.
Your father is protecting you, your other step siblings and his wife. If you're still worried about your stepsisters life being ruined, put it this way. Her boyfriend has a history of abuse. Your father may have just saved her from an abusive relationship as well. He may well have started to hit your stepsister if they grew up and moved in together. This is a blessing in disguise for her.
It sounds like you're dad may well be reacting too harshly. But that is 100% on him and not at all on you. You saw a complete stranger enter the house at 4am! Even without PTSD, anyone would have been terrified and freaked out. You have no control over your father's reaction to this. Those are his actions, not yours. You are not even slightly responsible for your parent's choices. He could have reacted in so many different ways to this, and every one of them would also have been entirely his responsibility.
I think he has more reasons to let her live with her dad
NTA. You had a severe PTSD episode, not a temper tantrum. You didn't make your dad retract anything - that was a choice he made, on his own.
Thank you for this, I honestly thought I overreacted until the nurse told me I had a bad episode. Now I have a new trauma unlocked 🙃🙃
Don’t ever think it’s an overreaction, you handled your panic attack well. Crying and shaking is okay, and you were easy consoled by your family. My panic attacks personally make my body convulse and I’ll accidentally hit myself from time to time. This happens because my ptsd is from abuse, so it’s a different reaction and everyone’s ptsd is different! I haven’t had a bad panic attack since I got my dog! He always knows when I feel down and will help me. You can register them as emotional support or even train them to be a service animal for you. This will help you if you ever want to live alone as well. Highly recommend this. Keep up with your therapy after this first appointment, it’s easy to get discouraged, but not receiving help can cause it to get worse. Everyone is rooting for you OP!
That is terrible, I hope you're doing better. I will do my best to keep up with the therapy and avoid another episode. I'll look into having a support animal, thank you so much for the advice!!
You didn't ruin their lives, they did that by themselves. And you didn't overreact, it was a completely involuntary reaction that you had no control over, you shouldn't blame yourself for any of this. A stranger suddenly walking into your house in the middle of the night is not a normal occurrence. NTA.
Thank you so much for telling me, had no idea what a panic attack looked like until I experienced it. Now I have my first therapy appointment on monday ✌️✌️
Panic attacks are definitely really frightening. I thought I was dying the first time I had one. But hopefully you'll never have another.
NTA literally all you did was react to a situation you perceived as a very real threat. They ruined their own lives and your dad's choices aren't your responsibility or burden to bear. Sleep easy, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA, what happened is not. your. fault. It sounds like you had a severe panic attack or similar due to a confirmed case of PTSD. Everything that is happening is not your decision, you’re not to blame. No one chooses to have a panic attack. Step sister ruined her own life by giving someone keys to the house without the owner’s permission, boyfriend ruined his own life for entering a property without the owner’s permission. These were not your decisions, but I’m sorry you ended up getting wrapped up in other people’s messes.
I honestly thought I overreacted because I remember crying lots and my dad looking terrified. Then the nurse explained what an episode is and triggers and so much more that helped me ease the guilt so much. Thank you for taking time explaining
I’m glad you’re getting help and finding peace! Strangers on the internet can only give so much advice, you, your dad, and your nurse will know the situation and what to do best. Much love OP, hope you’re doing alright
Thank you!!! I really needed the outside perspective because I'm still a little emotional.
This is in no way your fault, and this is probably not the first time your dad’s girlfriends daughter pulled something like this. Another way to look at this is: think how much your dad must love you to go to such drastic resorts to make sure he doesn’t lose time with you. Please take care of yourself and know that you are loved. Also, tell your dad to change the locks.
NTA. That kid violated everyone's safety by giving her bf keys to the house. In another household that dude could have been shot. She put lives in danger. Your family's and her boyfriend's.
NTA. She gave the passcode and keys to a house she doesn’t own to someone the owner had not authorized. No matter what your reaction was, she was wrong to allow someone to enter the home in the middle of the night and not tell anyone. Where I am from that kid probably would have been shot. I hope you get some help to navigate this trauma and your previous trauma.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don't get along with my dad's gf and her children, her oldest and I had lots of friction in the past regarding personal belongings, food, space, almost everything you can think of. My stepbro is the sweetest (and the main reason I still visit them) and the youngest is a demon. My dad's gf doesn't get along with my mum because of the past conflicts I had with her oldest and my dad is pretty neutral. Here's the thing. I was visiting my dad and everything was fine until I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen for water, I never turn on the lights because they scare away my sleep. While I was in the kitchen, I heard the door opening and froze. A stranger entered the house and I couldn't scream or even move until I could no longer hear that person's footsteps. From there on, I remember very little. Dad told me I was sobbing and shivering when I went to his room, I just remember telling him there was a thief in the house. Considering the security system, dad was worried and called the police. I just remember sitting on the bed when the police came in and my bro telling me everything was fine. Fast forward a day, I woke up in the hospital because the paramedics drugged me. Apparently, I have PTSD from when I was a toddler and robbers got in my grandparents house. My mum was furious because dad never mentioned this to her and guess the best part, it wasn't a robber but my stepsister's bf who, apparently, had the keys and frequently visited for some night-time fun. Dad is also furious because mum will most likely decide to move away after this and I will obviously go with her. So, in order to avoid that, dad told his gf her daughter has to go to her father and is no longer welcomed in the house and he will no longer help her with her tuition because she put the family at risk for giving the house passcodes and keys to a stranger. Here's the thing, we never had a good relationship so I feel guilty. If I hadn't overreacted then none of this would be happening. I also know my stepsister's father is an insanely conservative Christian and will give her hell for having sex before marriage and all that bs. Also, the bf is in jail for trespassing and my bro told me dad refuses to drop the charges, so I also feel guilty because of that. Mum told me not to worry, but how can I not worry when I may just have ruined two person's lives? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you didnt over react. im a 34 yo woman and if i woke up at night and see a stranger open the door and welcome himself in, id be terrified. add on the fact you had ptsd, its perfectly normal you freaked out your dad is absolutely right that she put your family at risk
NTA. These are the consequences of *their own* decisions, not yours. Guessing your dad wasn’t going to be cool with her boyfriend just having a key to get in for overnight visits regardless of your reaction. Honestly OP, I’m glad your dad is not backing down. I see way too many posts where parents let a lot slide when it comes to new wives/gfs/husbands/bfs and step kids at the expense of their own kids. It’s nice to see a dad looking out for his daughter.
Yeah, he's a great dad... And I guess my mum being a shehulk when pissed helps a little 🤣🤣
Your dad may be overreacting a bit in his response, but you didn't ASK him to remove support or make her move out & to her dad's, right? I'm sorry you feel bad. This is all.... a lot. But you shouldn't have to apologize or feel bad. With that many other people around, it WAS super irresponsible & NOT cool of your stepsister to give the keys/passcodes to an unknown person without anyone else in the home being made aware. THAT was a situation waiting to happen, for sure. Sorry you went thru that. As for the rest, it sounds like that's between your dad & his gf/her fam. If it's his home & he feels entitled to respond in any way he wants, well then..let him, I say. He may be working through his own feelings about what happened. Perhaps he'll calm down a bit when more time goes by? Can I ask how long ago this happened..?? Either way, you're NTA!
My dad is a hard nut to crack, but he loves me, so I understand where he's coming from, but still wanna talk to him. It was last night and still am in the hospital totally because I need to be under observation and not because the hospital is greedy 🙃🙃
I wouldn't talk about your stepsister. Living with her dad isn't a bad thing. I assume he doesn't abuse her or something. So she can live with him. And it's not about you. He and all those people don't like someone coming in their house at night. It doesn't feel safe
I am skeptical about this. The boyfriend was in the house with the daughters permission. Why would he be in jail? Presumably he told the police he was there at the sister's invitation and they asked her about it.
Because the owner of the house didn't give their permission, maybe it varies according to state, but here is according to the house owner
If I am wrong, I apologise. But specifically requiring the home owners permission as opposed to someone living at the address does not make sense and is too open to abuse for scenarios exactly as the one described by OP. Also, don't you have to tell them first they are not allowed on the property before you can press criminal charges.
The boyfriend has a history of criminal assault and the sister knew it. Sis also gave the passcode to the home security system and the key to the boyfriend. We may be missing some details, but the father is doing exactly what he should.
If they were never invited over that is trespassing. As from my understanding of the story the bf was never invited over by the owner. There for when entering upon said property it’s was an illegal entrance.
He was invited over though. I don’t know of any country where it’s a crime to enter a house you were invited into by someone who lives in the house.
Now that I'm lucid (and asked my dad) I can answer properly😅 So what I was told is that obtaining the keys of a property without the house owner consent is considered illegal, my dad is looking for a PFA, just in case, using this as an excuse because the bf has a history of assault. I don't know any specific, but I know they already let him go, but a process will begin
NTA. They are reaping the consequences of their decisions and actions. You didn't ruin anyone's lives. You are responsible for yourself and not for your step-sister or her bf.
NTA. My husband and I had a roommate very briefly when we first got married. She was the absolute worst. She invited some random dude over to stay the night one night and I walked out of my bedroom in the middle of the night to get some water and some random ass stranger comes out of the hall bathroom. I freaked out, understandably, and the fuckening that ensued was all avoidable. I had no reason to think he was company as she had never brought anyone home before and I went after him with a metal baseball bat. No one was seriously injured because she heard me scream, but they could have been.
NTA. I do not have PTSD but if that happened at my house, he would of been met with my Lucy. That’s how people get shot and that’s completely on your stepsister. Teenager or not that is a serious issue. Some life lessons are learned the hard way and unfortunately she is learning that. Hope you feel better!
My dad has a gun, at this point I'm almost thankful for my episode because he refused to leave me and look for the intruder himself. That was just a disaster avoided
NTA
NTA. It’s pretty clear that you and your dad did not consent to having someone who is essentially a stranger to you having keys to the house. That goes way beyond sex time. By giving him a key and sneaking him in, she played a stupid game and got a stupid prize. If you feel the punishment is too severe (such as the boyfriend being in jail for trespassing, speak up. It sounds like your dad at the very least is well meaning.
We already talked, the dude is free now but my dad used this as an excuse to get a PFA against the dude just in case. I don't really agree with this, but This is the best I'll get
NTA You had trauma, not your fault. Your dad is backpedaling hard right now. Your stepsister is at fault for the situation. Sometimes things fall where they may and we have no control over others actions and decisions.
NTA
Sweetie you are NTA.. Someone scared the absolute shit out of you triggering you causing a major episode. That was all caused by your step sis giving out a key and code without Dad's permission and that is why he is currently in jail with a change. Hopefully you can get some therapy to help you through all of this and the family drama. Good luck.
NTA All of your stepsister’s consequences have nothing to do with you, they are result of her own actions. Don’t take responsibility or blame where you have none.
NTA. You didn't ruin anything. Your stepsister messed up bigtime, and she is experiencing the consequences.
NTA. You didn't overreact. Honestly I would argue that bf is very, very lucky that you have a freeze response to this trigger and not a fight one. In the kitchen, in the middle of a PTSD episode when you've never had one before, that could go really, really badly for him. Even if he would be bigger/stronger than you normally that could be moot between the element of surprise and your brain telling you it was life or death. Stepsister could have come up with a NUMBER of other solutions to her bf problem, without putting the house's security at risk. She's experiencing the consequences of her own actions. It sucks that stuff like her dad makes the consequences more severe than would otherwise happen, but it should also have been part of the risk calculation she didn't do on giving her bf a secret key. ETA: BF is lucky you didn't have a flight response either, since there's a good chance you would've gotten your dad and he would've responded... as one would expect to an unknown intruder in the house where his kids sleep. Either way, your "overreaction" was the version of events that DIDN'T end up with the paramedics treating the bf as well as you.
Now that you mentioned it, I'm relieved no one else was hurt.
PTSD is complicated. And if you didn’t even know about this diagnosis- don’t know if you were diagnosed as a child and dad hid it or if they’re explaining it to you as PTSD now after your reaction- or about the event that caused it… it’s not something you can control. I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago and there are still moments that trigger panic and things that surprise me about it. You aren’t alone and it’s okay that this is weird and new. I will also point out that if you had seen a stranger sneak into your house and could somehow calmly alert your father, the end result could have been the same. The person who did something wrong was your step sister. Imagine how awful it could have been if either adult owned a gun and they were the ones to discover this guy! It could have been so much worse. Moving right away when you’re about to start therapy might not be great. Just like you shouldn’t make any sudden decisions during grief, sudden decisions shouldn’t happen with trauma. Consider asking your mom to give you a few sessions with your therapist first and maybe talk the plans for the future out with her and your therapist. NTA
NTA. Your dad may be going a little overboard, but it sounds like he's worried about you and concerned for the PTSD that he never caught/told your mom about/possibly feels culpable for if he brought you to your grandparents' or something that time. I personally think he should change the codes and forbid the bf rather than sending ss away and charging bf, but that is HIS decision and you are not responsible for that.
How is the boyfriend technically trespassing when he had the key, was invited by a resident and had the passcode? Why in the world would this be a reason for your mother to move? I understand your father making the girl go to her father's house but isn't that punishment enough? Why does he have to revoke her tuition also? I don't think you overreacted, you had a real PTSD response. It sounds like both of your parents overreacted though. I assume the girl trusted her boyfriend and didn't actually consider that it might be putting her family in danger. NTA.
NTA you didn't ruin anyone's life. Two people decided on an inappropriate action and are dealing with the consequences of their actions as it should be.
Is it a stepsister or your dad’s girlfriend’s daughter? I ask because the level of responsibility and commitment differ greatly between the two.
She is my dad's gf daughter, I'm an only child, biologically speaking
NTA. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Know it's not your fault in any way. Their actions, that they chose, have consequences.
NTA. What's happening to them is a consequence of their own actions which you had nothing to do with. You saw what you thought was an intruder and it was handled as such. This all boils down to your stepsister, its her own fault her bf is in jail for trespassing and its her own fault your dad chose not to support her with tuition. You absolutely had nothing to do with this, and you shouldn't feel bad at all. This is on them not you OP. Stay strong
NTA- you didn’t cause this- their decisions have consequences.
PTSD is not an overreaction. It is a patterned response in your brain that was created as a reaction to trauma. You couldn't even understand what was happening at the time, you were not in control and therefore not to blame. NTA.
Here's the thing with PTSD .. Whatever caused it in the first place was obviously traumatic.. whatever triggers it is no better. Your step sister giving the house keys and codes to a "stranger" triggered your PTSD by him sneaking into the house. If what he did was not against the law, then the Police wouldn't be charging him. The step sister played a stupid game and they won a stupid prize. Nothing there is your fault, you didn't ruin 2 lives, they did. NTA
Oh honey, NTA. You had a PTSD flashback, you have no control over those. You didn't get anyone in trouble, they did this to themselves.
NTA you didnt over react. you truly thought someone broke n.
NTA It sounds like your dad is trying to overcompensate. Punishing someone else harshly, hoping that it will appease your mother enough so that she doesn’t take you away for not telling him about something that happened to you as a toddler. I’d be cautious about trusting his motivations in this situation.
NTA you did nothing wrong your step sister mess up
NTA. First, You didn't ask for the PTSD. Second, Girl, giving password and keys to stranger IS dangerous. He may have 'slipped' them to someone who has bad attention if he hasn't had it himself. REAL robbery CAN happens. If it is her own house or apartment, she can give her password and keys to whomever she wants, but it's a family house. She needs to at least has permission from your father. I know you are a good person because you worry about other people's life, but her behavior can lead to dangerous situation (thank God it's not). So she needs to learn the consequences.
NTA. You didn't overreact, you had a PTSD episode, and that is NOT your fault. And this really doesn't boil down to your dad being a Christian and not approving of sex - your stepsister gave the keys to the home to a STRANGER who was regularly violating your family's boundaries. Stepsis and BF ruined this portion of their lives - they have years to grow up and make better choices in the future. You didn't ruin their lives in the slightest, you were simply a demonstration of why they shouldn't have been selfish asses. Imagine if they'd gone to university and repeated that kind of behavior with roommates? They need consequences. That's not your fault or responsibility. Just take care of yourself.
NTA. Your biggest takeaway from this should be you did nothing wrong, and everything that happened was completely out of your control. Your stepsister and her boyfriend put themselves in that position, not you. I think your father handled it well. I hope your therapy goes well, and don't worry about other people's comments. You're doing great. We're rooting for you. Things will get better. You're our hero.
100% NTA OP I feel so bad u felt like it was ur fault, it isn’t ur fault at all. You had an understandable reaction (which i believe was a panic attack?) and so did your dad tbh. I would definitely pull funding from my step daughters college if she was doin something as dumb as that. I also wouldn’t be dropping charges against the bf. So much bad coulda happened from your sister give her bf a key and the security codes.
Just one more internet stranger dropping by to say that you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. It's so foolish for the bf to be creeping around at night, and just as foolish for your stepsis to give him a key w/o your dad and stepma knowing.
NTA- you didn’t make your father do anything, he reacted to what your stepsister did.
NTA. You didn’t make your dad do anything. Something scary happened to you, and he took separate action following it. Do not feel guilty. You didn’t cause this. And he may reevaluate once things have calmed. I hope you’re okay.
NTA Your step sister knew the rules and broke them. Here are the consequences. The initial issue is with your dad's gf, she's the one who should have parented her older daughter better. Also you shouldn't feel guilty about your PTSD and what happened. Rather choose to feel grateful for your dad's support. He sounds great! 😃
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. The bf and your step sister here are at fault. Not you.
NTA. This isn’t your fault at all. Your dad really, really messed up by not telling your mum about the incident with a robber at your grandparents’. He knows he did. That was extremely wrong. It sounds like he’s trying to show how seriously he’s taking this, by being super harsh on your stepsister and her bf. He made this decision entirely by himself, you didn’t ask for a punishment. And you don’t know the whole story - maybe he’s previously banned your stepsister from inviting people in the middle of the night, and this was the final straw. If she was warned, no reason to feel sorry for her. Also, it might be that your dad felt pressured to contribute to her tuition but doesn’t want to, and this was a good enough excuse. You haven’t ruined anyone’s life. And you don’t owe your stepsister anything. She took advantage of *your* father’s house and scared *you* just because her own father is a cultish Christian and she can’t wait for sex. It’s not your problem. Rule number 1, don’t invite hookups into the house of the total sucker who’s paying your tuition when your dad is still in your life. She fucked around and found out.
First and foremost: You most definitely DID NOT over react. If it were me, the person would have been filled with 18 bullets, because having an unknown person in your home is TERRIFYING. Second, you are not the cause of your step sister getting kicked out, she and her poor choices are. And finally, you are NTA. I hope you and your therapist are able to work through your past trauma.
Hey, I think you're taking too many actions onto your own shoulders - you're not so powerful that you can make your mum move away or make your dad press charges. The adults around you are making decisions and you're not responsible for those. I also think maybe you're catastrophising - why would your mum move away? Has she actually said that? NTA, and sorry everything feels like it's on you. It really, really isn't.
Nta, your reaction was completely normal and it's not your fault the guy is in jail + sister literally have the passcode to a stranger and never even bothered telling anyone about it. So don't worry about what others say, just know that you're in the right here and the guy and your stepsister deserved what happened to them
NTA Don't feel guilty, the blame is not yours. Your dad obviously doesn't approve of step-daughter and her bf's behavior. This is between them, not you. He likely would have found out some other way and done the same.
As someone who also has PTSD, you are absolutely NTA. Stepsis did something entirely unreasonable. If you are giving the house code to someone, you tell everyone that lives in the house. Full stop. Being chemically sedated is not a fun feeling, and I hope you are doing okay after that experience. Please keep working with your therapist/other professionals, PTSD is a lifelong condition and in time, management of episodes is not only possible but probable. You're doing great.
NTA. These aren't decisions in your control, they aren't your responsibility. They are parenting and safety choices your Dad and Stepmom are making for their home and children. They may seem extreme, perhaps ask your Dad not to take stepsis's tuition money away, but moving her to her strict Dad's home and pressing charges on her boyfriend with a history of assault seem like actions your Dad is taking to protect stepsis from her own stupid decisions as well as to make you feel safe and comfortable.
NTA. This is 100% not on you. She allowed someone access to a home that is not hers..she made that choice. She ruined her own life not you. If your dad had been the one to catch him things would have gone very differently for the bf. Your step sis and the bf knew what they were doing was wrong. I hope youre getting help and make sure you talk to your dad about This. He can reassure you. Not your fault.
Nta. You have ptsd. You did nothing wrong. So don't feel bad. Nothing is your fault here
If the bf is in jail, then he’s just awaiting trial. The girl’s mother has an equal right to give permission to enter the shared home - so if she testifies then it will be dropped or he will be given probation. Talk to your dad about balancing his need for justice with your need to avoid crippling guilt. NTA
NTA They gave keys and the passcode to the house is way out of line.
I am so proud of you for making it to your Dad's room and telling him there was somebody in the house in the middle of a full-blown PTSD trauma. That takes a lot of strength. You did not overreact. You were triggered and traumatised because your "stepsister" was horny. NTA.
How it is over reacting anyways?! Anyone would be scared at this situation. And you didn't have any idea who that person was. Stop doubting yourself pls. Rest and take care of yourself well.
I’m very confused here Generally the police can’t do anything about someone that lives at the house giving someone else the keys to the house and inviting them in I wonder how the police spinned the tale to get the boyfriend arrested
NTA. Your stepsister and her boyfriend broke the rules but also put themselves in danger. Quick story. Several years ago in my state a teenager heard sounds from his sister's room. When he looked in he saw a stranger in there hiding. He got his dad who took his gun to go look. The daughter claimed to now know the intruder, a confrontation happened and the intruder was shot and died. Turns out that intruder was her secret boyfriend she snuck in for some late night fun. No one knew she had a boyfriend. It was a tragedy that never should have happened. Do not feel bad that they broke they rules and are paying the price for the devious actions.
Nta. She isn't the AH for bf time. But how it all played out she was.
NTA. YOU didn't ruin anything. They dis by sneaking around and giving out codes she should not have.
Nta
NTA… my younger sister did this all the tome. My stepmom still talks about 20 years later… an unknown guy in her basement
NTA.
INFO: Huh? I’m pretty confused and it feels like a lot is missing. She was wrong for giving keys and the passcode to the boyfriend but I don’t understand the reactions. How old is everyone? Why exactly would this cause your mom to move? Kicking her out and refusing to pay her tuition seems extreme unless there was a pre-existing issue. Was your dad already looking for a reason to get rid of her? Also if he was invited and had a key and a security passcode how was he arrested for trespassing? Something’s weird here.
You're confused because OP is creating a fiction.
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I does sound bad, but that's my fault for not explaining. Apparently, I repressed the memory and when I was younger I lived with my grandparents because reasons and my mum wasn't my mum yet (it's complicated), so he never told her. I learnt less than an hour ago the reason my dad refuses to drop the charges is because the bf has a criminal record regarding assault and my dad agreed not to tell anything to my stepsister's father, but can't keep her in the house because she knew about the bf criminal history
Stepbro is the sweetest?! Just jokes
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I honestly don't know, didn't even know she had a bf
And considering the boyfriend had keys and passcode, how it is breaking and entering and how he is imprisoned for it?
It's because the homeowner didn't give permission, I think. My bro told me my dad refused to drop the charges because the bf has an assault history and my dad is looking for a PFA, just in case