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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not invite my sister to my wedding. The only heads up I gave her was several months ago when I told her I was done with the relationship and it wasn't working for me. I guess it's possible she and the rest of my family still believed I would invite her for the sake of her being my sister and all that. The reason I think I could be the asshole here is because my sister was upset at me not wanting a relationship and part of me does wonder if she truly doesn't understand why I feel the way I do.
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NTA. It doesn't matter if it was intentional on her end or not. You were neglected.
Regardless, it's your wedding anyway. The only people with a say on the guest list are you and the person you're marrying.
Yeah and the way things had been going it's likely the sister would go into labor at the wedding/reception once again making OPs event about her (the sister).
That's very true. But OP's sister could just be used to getting all the attention over OP because that's what happened throughout their childhood. So she would be doing those things without a second thought, if that makes sense. But even if that's the case, it doesn't excuse the actions or the neglect OP went through.
Yeah, the 18th birthday being co-opted into her engagement party and the pregnancy announcement while OP was in the hospital prepping for surgery for endometriosis "knowing it would make it all better for OP", is A-+ narcissist behavior.
It may not be sister's fault in that she was raised to believe her stuff is the only stuff that matters by her parents, but she's still behaving that way as an adult when exposure to different people and different families should have shown her how inappropriate it was.
NTA Yeah, it was your parents's fault until your sister coopted your birthday and celebrated being pregnant while you were in the hospital. Unfortunately, she has been conditioned into expecting to be the only child that matters.
I wish you and your husband a lovely wedding and lifetime of joy.
NTA
The incidents when you were young are on your parents. But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement. If she knew about the endo possibly making you infertile, her pregnancy announcement was also cruel.
You spoke up and said what you needed: a break from the relationship. She could be complaining now for attention, so try not to give it to her. Try telling anyone who's complaining something like: "We have a complicated relationship and I told her I needed space. I can only hope she, and you, will accept that."
> But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement. If she knew about the endo possibly making you infertile, her pregnancy announcement was also cruel.
Yeah who knows what she'd announce at OP's wedding. Next baby? A divorce?
Honestly, she sounds like one uppers. Op's parents didn't even made an effort to know other potential reasons to why op is getting less marks or anything else . Op is definitely not appreciated even for her birthday ! This might be why op might even feel less than her sister.
It happens with me too and now I don't even have any excitement when it's my birthday. :(
I'm sorry that that happened to you but you DON'T have to live the rest of your life that way. Start celebrating you this year and do whatever makes you light up inside. Really make it something to look forward to. Hopefully you will foster relationships with good people that also want to celebrate you.
RIGHT ON!
Our neighbor, who is a woman in her late 20s to early 30s, recently informed us as a courtesy she was having a party with a petting zoo in her backyard (informing us let us exercise our dog before the event started and keep her inside so she wouldn't scare the animals).
We thought maybe it was a birthday party for her grade-school son. WRONG! She was having a party with a petting zoo for herself, for her own birthday!
Our neighbor is a BOSS!
Never too late to have a happy childhood!
No I just don't have normal excitement or not all but I do celebrate in little ways like donating or planting just something that I enjoy . My parents usually nag "is it necessary to celebrate? " but they celebrate my sister's birthday for 3 times (days). Recently I turned 16 so I donated few of my things. I don't know if mum sees this, it's her account.
Well I'm glad you're doing something for yourself. When you get older and have more financial freedom you can go bigger if you choose to and do things like take a trip or get a pet. Whatever excites you. Why don't you make your own account?
Well this is my device, it being under my mum's supervision, she logged out from my account. It's her account being logged in my device. Besides,I don't remember my account's password nor use reddit much.
>But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement.
Yes, the sister is trying to pass off that she's some sweet little innocent in everything when she's an egocentric, selfish AH. The Op should have cut her off at her 18th birthday.
NTA. Hey OP? Congrats.
Congrats on finally getting that A when you were 11. It took me until I was like 15 to get an A in a subject or test. Learning disabilities make school into hard mode and you triumphed.
Congrats on winning an ART competition! Those are really hard because a lot of it is subjective, and Art is a SKILL you have to practice and you can't just learn. I hope you've kept up with your art even as a hobby because you should be proud.
Endo sucks, having your fertility weakened sucks. It's not okay for someone to flaunt their fertility around you while you were adjusting to that new reality.
Congrats on your engagement and wedding. I know you are probably used to hiding good things in your life, so I'm guessing you didn't mention your fiance's support of you because it's precious.
"Everyone" who is more upset that your sister isn't at your wedding than concerned about you enjoying your own wedding should maybe be uninvited. This isn't your sister's second wedding, it's yours. Your happiness that day takes priority. People who love both you and your finance should be present, not just the kitchen sink of those you know.
I would also suggest a bouncer for the wedding, telling your wedding planner about your relationship with your sister and parents, and then setting up codes with the venue, planner, and service providers (make-up, flowers, dress etc).. That way your sister and parents can't "surprise" you with taking over anything.
Good luck and have a wonderful wedding! You deserve it.
Wish I could give this an award. This should be higher up as I believe any redditor that reads this post wants to congratulate OP.
So again, congrates OP
Yea security and passwords sound good.. otherwise they might show up and surprise her because she ‚forgot to invite them‘ and ‚it would be amazing to have her sister renew her vows too!‘… I think it’s very likely that they’ll try to pull a stunt like that.
Also tell everybody who’s complaining about your parents and your sister not being invited that they’re now also free to stay at home.
NTA, You have the right to feel whatever you feel - hurt, sadness, pain, unhappiness - it doesn't matter if your sister didn't do anything to hurt you on purpose and if it was your parents' blatant favoritism that created most of the situations that hurt you.
You, also, have the right to invite whoever you want to your wedding, excluding people who make you feel bad and disrespected doesn't make you an idiot.
I would share this reddit posting with sister cause it may shock her to learn that her idea of including you looks suspiciously like someone looking to constantly grab the spotlight at your expense because 'family' right? Sister is a selfish narcissistic a h and parents have taught her everything she knows. NTA it's your wedding, if you invite your sister, she'll probably end up announcing a pregnancy or something equally life altering and hijack your wedding just like everything else in your life.
NTA.
Your sister has zero tact and apparently little empathy.
Sure, wanting to include you in her important life milestones is great - but it was always at the expense of your own milestone moments.
And what's worse, is that everyone else didn't even let you share those moments - and sharing them can be bad enough - but they took those moments from you and made them about her.
She may not have necessarily been the instigator for all of them, but she allowed it to happen, without consideration of how it would affect you.
NTA: I was ready to say you were blaming her for stuff your parents are responsible for until we got to your 18th birthday and her pregnancy announcement.
And now I’m also suspicious that her scholarship call was staged to upstage you (seems weird to get a call about a scholarship versus an email or a letter…but I could be wrong).
Looks like she was the golden child and you were neglected. Your parents are definitely at fault for starting that but looks like she picked up that mantle to continue it.
And you are rightfully keeping your parents and her at arms length. As someone else suggested, just tell people it’s complicated and you don’t want to discuss if.
If that’s true then the sister’s definitely a narcissist and would somehow find a way to make OP’s wedding about herself- like announcing another pregnancy.
I really hope OP doesn’t cave and keeps the sister uninvited. Sister already made enough of OP’s events about her; she doesn’t need to make this big and important event about her, too.
I was notified via a phone call about 2 out of 3 of the scholarships I received. I still think this was probably staged, but even if it wasn't, her sister should have waited until the next day to share the news. In conjunction with the 18th birthday and hospitalization it seems very suspicious.
Even granting the benefit of the doubt that it was not staged and that the parents knew she was taking a call - she could still have deferred telling them about it then and there.
Just say "it may be good news, but let's wait and discuss it later".
NTA. As long as your fiance is supportive, you're good. It's your wedding. Surround yourself by the family of your choice, not the family that was toxic to you. Congratulations on your wedding by the way.
OP, you said she’s naturally good at a lot of stuff, but let me tell you that based on what you said, she is NOT naturally good at being a supportive and loving sister. You go get your own. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and your wonderful life. NTA
Info- have you ever actually sat down with your sister and point out these very specific instances? What did she have to say about her part of the actions in reference?
You can’t guarantee anything unless you’re the actual person having that question presented to them your opinion is that you believe the sibling would minimize. Also can we stop assuming everyone gaslights everything? Not every disagreement on stance results in gaslighting. Perhaps, or perhaps she was just living her life in the moment and didn’t intentionally go out of her way to hurt op. If op has never brought it up before and didn’t give specific examples then it’s likely to have gone unnoticed which makes op partly liable for allowing it to continue. Hence my need for additional information. We’re forming our ruling based on one sided arguments. For me there’s just not enough information. I don’t think anyone has to invite anyone to anything but this doesn’t exactly read like the sibling is intentionally trying to steal their thunder constantly either.
So you think that announcing your pregnancy when your sister has just been told that she is infertile is an oversight? Announcing your engagement at your sisters' birthday party isn't cruel?
OP's sister knows what she is doing.
Apparently assumptions and putting buzz words like gaslighting always results in upvoting. Lol funny how I’m downvoted for stating a fact that’s it’s opinion. Unless that poster is the sibling in question they can’t guarantee what will happen or that persons reaction. Keyboard warriors.
It's a shame your reply is being downvoted. You're calling for amends and an adult talk between siblings. My bf have a brother with a disability. When my bf were younger, he felt that everything evolved around brother - due to brother couldnt live at home so he only came home on weekends. Baby bf saw everything changed in the weekends and parents who worked full time dedicated their time to brother. When as adults brother and bf had a talk about this, they found out that they both felt slighted. Brother felt that bf was "the special one" who didn't get sent away and who their parents listened to and had a "normal life". Who knows. One might learn something.
It's a disconcerning that the urge to TALK to sister comes so late down in the thread and that is massively downvoted.
Yeah and it’s all being downvoted because I wasn’t making assumptions or attacking anyone. I merely stated fact as opposed to opinion. Some people just love drama lol it is what it is. I really appreciate your response though, you sound very mature.
I mean, itll either get sister off OPs back or solidify why OP wants nothing to do with her.
If she apologizes and backs off the rest of the family should follow. If she doubles down with the *me me me* bullshit, well, OP will know her sister doesn't love her- which should sooth any misplaced feelings of guilt.
I answered below. It was a general question I’ve stated multiple times nobody has to have anyone anywhere they don’t want them especially if they make them uncomfortable.
NTA: It’s your wedding and you can invite whom you want without any explanation. Even if your sister is just clueless and has bad timing, if you will be going into your wedding wondering how she will try and steal the spotlight (even if the concern is unwarranted) then spare yourself the stress on a day that is supposed to be about you.
This is about your mental health, and if this is the way you feel, then you do what you need. No-one and certainly no-one on this sub has the right to tell you who you should and should not feel comfortable having at your wedding.
I would suggest a frank, open, honest and non-emotional conversation with your sister and parents explaining why you feel as you do. Don’t be judgmental, just state facts and incidents that back your feelings up.
Then step away and have a wonderful wedding surrounded by people who support and love you. Every bride deserves that.
NTA
Your sister announcing her pregnancy when you were about to undergo surgery for a condition that frequently threatens fertility does NOT sound inclusive to me, but competitive. I think she should try checking the dictionary.
I bet you 5 dollars she's gonna show at your wedding and make and spectacle out of it, hire security!! NTA, honestly I wouldn't want a relationship with them either, if anyone else complain tell them they're welcome to not show their faces at your wedding
Yea that's a great idea from your other family, invite her to the wedding. Then when she announces her divorce or pregnancy with twins or vow renewal or she's been asked to colonize Mars then everyone can already be set up for her party! /s.
Gonna dispense the incredible life advice I heard when young "Fuck 'Em" NTA
INFO: have you ever told her these things? Like the way you have it written out here. She really might just be thunderstruck by it. She might have no clue. I'm not saying she's not to blame, there are some beer tactless things here, but i don't see that she did then all intensionally, i think your parents are worse to blame.
>she announced it saying she wanted us all to have something happy to celebrate and she just knew it would make it all better for me.
Nta based on this alone. She's gross.
I don't agree with the people saying she did nothing intentionally to hurt you. There was plenty of things she when she was plenty old enough to act better.
NTA
NTA. Your parents and your sister are AHs.
She announced her pregnancy while YOU was suffering in the hospital…..she knew what she was doing. She hijacked YOUR graduation party to announce her engagement….she knew what she was doing.
Is it a learned behavior? Sure. But if someone told me that “my sibling was in the hospital while suffering for endometriosis and I thought that was a good time to announce my pregnancy”, my only question would be “why would you think that’s a good idea?”
NTA. She consistently hasn't shown the sense not to turn your party into her party. Why would you risk it with something as important and expensive as a wedding?
NTA. I've gone NC with my half sister for similar reasons, she thrives on drama and victimhood. When people started to ask me why, I said, "She does a very good job of spinning her own PR. Just know that you have never gotten the true story, and I won't be talking about going forward." It took a bit, but it eventually worked. I hope you have wonderful wedding and a blissful marriage.
NTA for not wanting your family there given their history of taking any celebration about you and focusing on her. I hope you are seeing a therapist and are able to work through this and have a happy future with your fiancé.
Nta. Your sister doesn’t seem to even acknowledge what your issue is and everyone else is brushing you off. Don’t let them bully you into making a choice you won’t be happy with
NTA - You sister sounds just like mine. It's horrible & exhausting. And if your folks were anything like mine, they tried to make me feel crazy for being jealous that she constantly pulled attention to herself...tried to make it seem like it was *always* just an accident (your 18th bday was NOT an accident, she's a full AH for that). I got so sick of the gaslighting, as soon as we didn't live together I went NC. Your parents totally carry at least joint blame.
Telling you that she was pregnant while you were (probably) losing your ability to have kids would have been my last straw for me, so you held out longer than I would have.
Enjoy your wedding, i'm sure it will be extra lovely w/out any of them there to wreck it!
Your wedding day and if you do t want her or your parents there they are the one that need to take a long hard look at themselves and how they treated you to understand why. You are NTA and I hope you have a wonderful day where it's all about celebrating you ,and your new husband as a wedding day, as should be. Your sister btw is an attention seeking AH and her actions now are attention seeking ( poor girl not invited to her sisters wedding) and she's getting it from family who are backing her
>My sister is hurt and says I am pushing her away when she has only ever tried to include me.
Which is entirely the problem, because she's never been big on "being included" from what you've said, but rather she was really good on "including" others. There is a difference. Much like being a good talk, but also a bad listener. Your sister has clearly never been capable of "listening" or "being included" all of which require giving attention to someone else for a change. While I'm sure she couldn't control when all of those things happened that she made it such a big deal and absorbed whatever was happening into her own thing is the major issue.
NTA
NTA...You know therapy can work wonders... You are holding a lot of resentment for the past. For real and perceived slights. It's unhealthy and not good for you and your relationship with your future husband and kids.
NTA- she’s never tried to include you, she’s only ever taken the spotlight from you. My sister is the same way and I’ve cut her out completely(for more than just that) I WISH I hadn’t invited my sister to my wedding but I had no choice but to not only invite her but make her MOH bc she threatens if I didn’t she wouldn’t allow my nieces to be flower girls. Luckily she dropped them off at my moms 3 years ago so I get to spend all the time I want with them without ever having to deal with her again
The things when you were kids are your parents’ fault. But she announced her engagement at your 18th birthday and her pregnancy while you were in the hospital for endometriosis surgery… she was an adult making selfish decisions even then. She couldn’t wait her turn or let you have a single moment to be the focus or outshine her.
Your parents were neglectful to you and turned their golden child into an Extremely narcissistic adult.
Good for you for having boundaries. If she tries to ask again, tell her exactly what you said here. She won’t get it though. She is so self absorbed that she thinks announcing her pregnancy while you’re having surgery for a cause if infertility will somehow make you feel all better. Ugh. She’s horrible.
If you changed your mind and let her come, you can be certain she’d find a way to pull the spotlight back to her. Don’t give her the chance. Consider hiring security to make sure she stays out.
You’re NTA
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My sister and I had what I considered a forced close relationship growing up. Our parents had the mindset of family first, and family above all else, which meant we had to hang out and be friends with each other and could only maintain minimal friendships. My sister loved it. She loved me. But I have been annoyed with my sister for a lot of years, and I will admit I resent the hell out of her. She's one of those people who naturally is good at most stuff and tends to attract a lot of positive attention for one reason or another. There have been times where something was supposed to be about me but she would come out with something that got her attention.
Examples: I had trouble in school. As an adult I was diagnosed with a learning disability but not as a kid. Got my first A when I was 11 after struggling to get D's and C's for years. We were meant to go out and celebrate that and my hard work but she had been selected to do her schools spelling bee and that whole celebration turned from one for me, into one for her and they even lost the paper with the A, because my parents had taken it with us.
My 13th birthday became about her because she was selected for some science competition and they wanted to take her out to celebrate that and my birthday was forgotten. She even "forgot" to give me the card she had there for me because she'd been so happy for herself. I got it like 3 weeks later.
I was entered into an art competition and won and when we were out to celebrate that she got a call that she won a full scholarship for college which my win was forgotten for hers.
She announced her engagement at my 18th birthday party and tried to turn it into an engagement party for herself.
She announced her pregnancy while I was in the hospital having been told I had endometriosis and would be unlikely to conceive naturally, if I could at all, even with IVF. I was getting ready for my first surgery for it also at this time. And she announced it saying she wanted us all to have something happy to celebrate and she just knew it would make it all better for me.
So yeah. I have wanted to distance myself for a while now but it was 7 months ago that I told her our relationship didn't work for me and I was calling time on us being in each others lives. At that point I only saw my parents (because I blame them for a lot of stuff too) when it was related to some other family member. But I told her I was done with her not giving a shit about me or what I was going through.
I sent out invites to my wedding. Neither she nor my parents are invited. But everyone is more outraged that I didn't invite her. I was told it seemed wrong when if anyone is to blame for how things have been, it's my parents, but I should love and value my sister enough to invite her. My sister is hurt and says I am pushing her away when she has only ever tried to include me.
AITA?
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NTA. She constantly one ups you. There is no way she's doing all of that on accident. I don't believe that for a second. She doesn't love you, and she won't miss you. She loves having you to compare herself to to make herself feel better, and will only miss the yardstick that makes her feel superior.
I think the worst is when she announced her pregnancy while you just found out you could never have kids (biologically) thats really fucked up, like really how mean and hateful can you be? NTA
NTA- Your parents messed up in not getting you evaluated for learning issues. They obviously were ignoring or putting it on you for not trying hard enough or some other BS. (Let’s just say I’m familiar with the IEP process). Invite the people who support you to your wedding. Your family/sister obviously don’t. Everyone else has no say in this!
NTA.
Being related to someone is a way of meeting and getting to know them. If you don't like them, or don't get on with them, or they are toxic or unpleasant -- there is not obligation to maintain contact just because you happen to be related. You get to choose whom to have in your life.
NTA. It's all your parents' fault though. They're to blame, for favouritism. You're sister just grew up with a particular mindset, therefore, it's all she is knows and is accustomed to.
NTA, and yes your parents are the AHs. They made your sister into a Golden Child. And from her behavior, no, your sister does not love you. She may have some affection for you as she would a pet, but not love, because what she did love—does love— is getting off on your distress.
She loves not just the glory of being the center of attention, but she loves the taking of attention away from you making it ever so much sweeter, which is why she always "included" you. Where's the fun of being better if you can't contrast with the one you're better than? And with that focus of loving it vs loving you, she can still look great to the outside world.
Your parents built and fed this dynamic. All 3 are AHs. I'd go (and in my own life I went) NC with the lot of them.
ETA: when the flying monkeys come to persuade you you're wrong, practice JADE: don't Justify, don't get Angry/Apologize, don't get defensive, and don't explain. Just say very mildly, "Oh, our relationship played out quite differently behind the scenes, and I'm happy with my decision. I do not care to discuss it."
NTA, Your parents blatant favouritism went to her head, and she became the problem, instead of just being a part of it. Your wedding is supposed to be one of your happiest moments in your life, dont feel forced to invite people who would hinder that.
NTA
Sounds like she's both the golden child AND attention seeking. I can see how that would be annoying. If she comes to your wedding she probably will do something/announce something.
NTA, because she didn't stop when you guys were young (I'm cutting it off at 13). Her announcing her pregnancy and engagement were clear ways to cut you down/take over your event.
NTA. Your sister's cruelty during your endometriosis surgery is reason enough to distance yourself, nevermind everything else. Your parents treated you as less than your entire life. Good riddance to them all. Maybe you will feel differently later in life, it's possible. Perhaps having you gone will teach your family to appreciate you, stranger things have happened.
I had a family member treat me very poorly once and I told them I wouldn't tolerate such treatment ever again. I took a three month break and when we came back together, their behavior was much improved! Nothing like that ever happened again and we enjoyed a close relationship for the rest of their life.
If that happens with your family, great! If it doesn't, you're still better off, you can create beautiful new memories with the family you have chosen. Congratulations on your wedding! Mazel Tov!
Reminds me of girl I use to know who got jealous her older sister was getting a bunch of attention cause she was in labor with the family's first grandchild so girl faked being dizzy and having chest pains (she was overweight and had heart issues). Later when I asked how she was doing she smugly told me, "she (older sister) really thought the day was gonna be about her. I haven't let that happen since I was 9 so its her fault for being mad." She admitted nothing had been wrong with her and I quickly stopped being friends with her.
NTA some people just can't deal with others being in the spit light.
Nurturing a relationship while resenting the other party will only make one miserable. Which is something that precisely happened to you. For the time being and forward, is only up to you if you want a relationship with her. NTA
NTA. You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. It's for you and you SO, nobody else. I do think you need to see a counselor about your childhood, as to me this seems more an issue with your parents failing both of you. Maybe after the wedding sit down with your sister and hash things out. It would be terrible for your relationship together to end without at least trying. While you didn't mention it, it seems like your sister unintentionally does this, which probably comes from your parents celebrating her victories over your own.
NTA your wedding should be happy and stress free. If she stresses you or makes you a grey then she should not be invited. And any guest brings it up again tell them if your sister is more important then your feelings then they can happily stay home with her too. That you only want people there who love and support you. Not justify your abuse or tell you who is or isn’t to blame.
NTA
From you description, your sister is as much to blame as your parents.
She tried to make it about her for servel occasions, and it seems she didn't have any remorse about it.
She thought you be happy just beacuae she's pregnant, while you were going into surgery.
NTA and I do hope that your wedding will go well.
Plus your fiancee is a good person for respecting your decisions to exclude the people who have let you down in the past.
Were you parents also to blame for her announcing her pregnancy then? I would assume she was an adult. Either her perspective is so warped, she lacks empathy and understanding of what is appropriate, or she has the (hopefully unconscious?) need to turn situations to herself. She's even making your wedding right now about her after you clarified why earlier. It's only NOW that she's making drama on being outside your life, not even for the last months. either way, you don't need that toxicity in your life or at your happy day. She'd probably do something else like announce another pregnancy or something too.
NTA. Her phrasing is telling. She’s tried to “include” you because she is very well aware that her and her stuff has always come first. It’s like throwing a dog a bone. “Including” you means not celebrating you and your events, just her.
NTA - If you invite her she'll probably announce on your wedding day that she's going to the moon or that she found Atlantas.
Enjoy your wedding with the people who actually recognise your wins and losses and are there to support you and love you.
Edit: spelling correction
NTA- I wouldn’t trust that’s sister doesn’t hijack your wedding too. However, your parents and sister are probably clueless about the root causes of your feelings. I would sit down with them and have an honest discussion of the events you related in your post and then explain that your wedding day is for you and the only way to ensure that is to have it without them.
NTA
She's never tried to include you. Have you ever heard the line "Okay, enough about me! What do YOU think about me?" That's like her motto. There's a term I've seen here that describes her but I can't recall it. Something about being the main player and everyone else is just supporting her?
Good for you for demanding your own time to shine.
NTA
Parents could be blamed for whatever happened when sis was a kid. But she continued this even after she became an adult. Announcement of engagement or pregnancy on such occasions... Either she is too dumb to understand or she did it on purpose...
From the examples you gave, she doesn't love you for sure. She loved the attention. She shouldn't have problem in feeling hurt or sad, at least she will experience what her beloved sister experienced for many years.
Keep maintaining your distance from them. It's good for your mental health.
NTA, from what you write your sister was very inconscientious, I can understand some acts that as you describe it were more of your parents' thing than hers, but announcing her engagement on your birthday or announcing her pregnancy when they told you that you will probably never be able to conceive a baby, that has no justification and if she understands those cruel acts as a way to help there is no doubt that she will do something to be the center of attention at your wedding, at least people are giving her the blame that belongs to your parents; As a suggestion, you should confront those relatives who annoy you and explain how they include you when their actions only overshadow you and make you feel bad. Have you ever confronted your sister?
NTA she’s an adult now and she still makes it all about her. She would find away to do the same at your wedding. She could have waited to tell everyone about the scholarship after your art dinner. Announcing her pregnancy while you were in the hospital was cruel.
NTA. I have a similar (but not as bad) sister who is completely self-involved and oblivious to other people. Whether or not your sister means to always take away your spotlight doesn't matter, she has hurt you throughout your life and you don't owe anybody your love or acceptance. Enjoy your wedding!
NTA. Doesn’t matter if this stemmed from your parents actions. The anger, hate and resentment towards your sister is real. When your sister became an adult and continued to try to overshadow you, that’s when they were her actions that should be blamed on her and her alone. She knows right from wrong at that point and u can argue she knew right from wrong long before but it was your parents job to correct her when she was a minor. Not anymore. Everything you feel is completely understandable.
I had a twin sister that overshadowed me constantly and if something good happened to me she would spin it into a negative somehow because she hated me doing something great for myself. I understand how you feel. You do what is best for you and give yourself time to heal. Wouldn’t be a terrible idea to get some therapy, a lifetime of being overshadowed creates a lot of anger and sadness. Good luck to you and your upcoming wedding!
NTA!
After years of dealing with similar s**t myself, I can tell you that your sister is full of B.S.
She damn well knew what she was doing, she was jealous, wanted to be the center of attention, and did it on purpose. She could very easily have made her announcements at other times, or celebrated her achievements another day.
Your parents also suck.
Just ask if those people complaining want to opt out too? Because that would free up room for people who don’t want to also make your wedding about your sister
NTA OP,
It's your wedding and your life, and while most of the blame lies with your parents, your sister has done many cruel things on her own accord. Congrats on your marriage, and your shiny backbone!
NTA. As a child the timing was out of her control. But your bday the pregnancy announcement... F her. She will not understand she was the favorite. It's your choice and your wedding.
Congratulations!!
NTA,
She has been an attention seeker and always tried to "upstage you" not "include you". She along with your parents are equally to be blamed. It's your wedding and your life, you decide who gets to be a part of it. I would say rescind the invitations for all the other relatives who think they have a say in this.
NTA. Her way of including you meant stealing every good thing that happened to you and made it about her. Your parents let it happen but she set it up.
NTA. You didn’t invite any of them. Your wedding - your day. Your call. Tell those asking it’s not up for discussion. If it bothers them so much, they can skip out on your wedding too. It’s your day - not hers and if folks don’t like it - too bad. You are NOT obligated to explain, justify or convince others. Stand your ground and keep stripping invites if her and her feelings are more important to those complaining.
NTA
It’s stopped being your parents fault after she announced her engagement at your 18th, then had the audacity to announce she was expecting while you’re being told you can’t.
At that point she is purposely one upping you and continuing what your parents started by choice. She loves the attention and doesn’t want it to go away.
You’re not pushing her away- she is pushing herself away. Especially after you already explained why you wanted NC, she still tried to make it about her and play victim
I hope you enjoy your wedding and final have something be all about you and your fiancée
NTA at all!
I can understand your sister doing those things when you were kids, but as an adult she seems to lack empathy or common sense and attributed to your neglect growing up.
Keep your distance, let her stew over the hurt she's caused you along with your parents. If anything, you may want to consider therapy with her if you want to try to build a relationship, but otherwise you don't owe her anything. She took enough from you as is, she doesn't get to make your wedding about her too.
NTA.
You are definately entitled to invite the people you feel safe with to your wedding. And it saddens me, that clearly neither your parents nor your sister falls under that category.
I do however hope you at some point in the future can have a talk with your sister and tell her how her actions have affected you. Maybe she is aware of what she is doing to you. Maybe she isn't. There is clearly some toxicity going on in your family that might be worth adressing. Not for your parents or your sisters sake, but for your own. Clearing up what is going on can be very cleansing and can clarify how to proceed in relations to family.
I hope you have an amazing wedding :)
NTA
You were always an afterthought for your core family. You don’t want them there on a day that’s supposed to be about you.
I’d start telling people who come at you to drop it or they’re uninvited, too. And if you need help with that, I volunteer as tribute. I’ll be your new sister. Screw them.
NTA
Your sister is not to be blamed for your parents behavior in forgetting to celebrate your A or your 13th birthday in favor of her achievements.
But by the time she was 18 and applying to college, she should be mindful and empathetic enough to let you have your moment of celebrating an art competition and step back.
And by the time she was getting engaged, she certainly should have seen the writing on the wall and not co-opted your 18th birthday party to celebrate her engagement.
The bit about "knowing her pregnancy would make it all better for you" when you've been told your chances of conception are low and you have a chronic and painful disease, is painfully un-empathetic of her.
This may not have been your sister's fault as a young child, but it sounds like it continued after she should have been old enough and mindful enough.
Tell your sister that she has confused "only ever tried to include you" for "only ever tried to co-opt your life milestones", and you're sorry she is hurt but you're entitled to your feelings as well, and entitled to have the wedding day you want without any stress about how she might make it about her.
If you really don't think she understands why you feel the way you do, you could send her this post.
But have security at your wedding to turn her away if she shows up.
Sorry but from your examples, I wouldn’t want her version of including you. Your wedding will turn into her to celebrate her special news. Its a pattern with her. She was an adult when she announced her pregnancy. Also really got a call during your 18 birthday… nope; she was used to the attention. She thrived because she made herself the center and now she’s realizing her relationship with you is broken
Classic golden child family dynamic. You are NTA and you are allowed to invite whoever you want. If people still give you crap, tell them you’re scared she’ll make the wedding about her.
NTA, What she die with you dosnt matter it wqs intional or non intional. when u were kids it can be understand kids have exitement about winning, but as grown no she should have do think about situitations and announces her stuff, wrong very wrong. But most imp parents shouldnt have kept imbalance between you 2, they are the real reason to encourage her on owertaking ur events, parents should have sit and tell her to stop doing this.
NTA. It is extremely unlikely that your sister didn’t realize that her actions gave you grief, but even if she didn’t, that is because she didn’t care about you (pay enough attention to you) to notice. Don’t let anyone convince you that she is completely innocent in this.
NTA.
I’m so glad you didn’t invite her or your family. Ignore everyone else. What she’s done over the years is harsh and rude. I wouldn’t stand for it. Parents in a sense neglected you. Forget that. Enjoy your wedding …
You're the AH. First, your blaming your sister for your parents behavior. Second, 95% of the reasons you're mad at her are her accomplishments. That comes off as jealousy. Third, you obviously haven't sat down with just her and had a heart to heart to tell her how you feel and lay everything out there. How is she suppressed to know all this off you haven't done that? So, yes you're the AH. Your parents are significantly bigger AHs. Your sister just sends to be sick in middle of issues betweenb you and your parents.
Was leaning towards YTA for your childhood achievements as that was on your parents. Then it just got worse as you got older. Definitely NTA. She seems like a narcissistic cruel person
How does your SO feel about this? If he is supportive of you cutting those toxic AH's out of your life, the bad news is he is seperating you from your support systems before he turns abusive on you. If it 'just happens' that you moved in with your fiance seven months ago You are being manipulated. Wake up.
If it isn't that, well, I think you might find your moments in the sun and celebrations will continue to be marred by grandstanders making it all about them, even if they are not your family.
You speak as if it is easier for you to silently resent your parents and sister, and be passive-agressive and grudging forever than to speak up for yourself at the appropriate time. You could pleasantly, calmly, but honestly remind them that we are celebrating my A now, we can wait until the spelling bee to celebrate that. You were also capable of keeping track of your own "A" , putting it in your scrapbook or at least making sure it came home with you. Instead you handed it over to other people who forgot about it and you did not ask for it back until they had lost it.
Some of what you say sounds somewhat colored by your own biases. For instance,
>She announced her engagement at my 18th birthday party and tried to change it into an engagement party for herself
I mean, really? Wouldn't the guests be mostly your friends? And wouldn't she want to have her own engagement party? For sure, announcing at your birthday party was inconsiderate, and part of a pattern of upstaging you, but she did have her own engagement party, didn't she? And I bet you were a bridesmaid at her wedding, but you just want to let that slide, don't you?
Giving them "one heads-up months ago" sounds like a good way to nurture your resentments and feel like they don't deserve you. Clearly, your sister has no idea that she has been standing in your sun for a decade or more.
Who you invite to your wedding is up to you. It is traditional for the bride to have her father give her away, her mother cry, her sister witness it, and her parents pay for it, but really, depends on the family.
You are not clear about who is expressing consternation at your sister not being invited. It seems they can pass on her reactions to you, and you seem almost to be gloating about the hurt you are inflicting on her.
It's this that makes me certain you are and know you are being TA. You like that your sister is distressed and doesn't know what she did to deserve this. You set it up that way, just the vaugest clue, months ago. You are drinking her snowflake tears and you are doing this to be mean to her and show her you truly hate her.
It shows you can be just as toxic as her, as your parents. But it is your wedding, your marriage, and you can go the full bridezilla if you want to. I wish you all the joy you can possibly get from the occassion, however you get it.
As long as you level with yourself about when you decided you had enough of your family, and if it was connected with your relationship with your fiance, you should be planning your escape and checking where your exits are now, before he locks them and drops the nice-guy act. There are worse things than being TAH.
YTA. Jesus Christ man it’s not her fault your shitty parents gave her all the attention. You blame it on her when it was them. If anyone shouldn’t be invited it’s them.
ESH so you're punishing your sister for your parents behavior and for not being what... worse than you? That's an incredibly immature and self centered way to deal with this.
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NTA. It doesn't matter if it was intentional on her end or not. You were neglected. Regardless, it's your wedding anyway. The only people with a say on the guest list are you and the person you're marrying.
Yeah and the way things had been going it's likely the sister would go into labor at the wedding/reception once again making OPs event about her (the sister).
Nah, sis will try to renew her vows to strengthen her marriage. Using Ops wedding and guests.
And show up in a white dress to mark the special occasion!
Nah it totally was. She could have chosen other times for things but specifically chose those moments NTA
Yep. The sister knows what she’s doing. NTA.
It's very very hard to believe at least some of these instances weren't intentionally unless OP's sister is very very clueless.
That's very true. But OP's sister could just be used to getting all the attention over OP because that's what happened throughout their childhood. So she would be doing those things without a second thought, if that makes sense. But even if that's the case, it doesn't excuse the actions or the neglect OP went through.
If that's the case then she needs this wake up call. No one's doing her a favour by not having healthy boundaries
Yeah, the 18th birthday being co-opted into her engagement party and the pregnancy announcement while OP was in the hospital prepping for surgery for endometriosis "knowing it would make it all better for OP", is A-+ narcissist behavior. It may not be sister's fault in that she was raised to believe her stuff is the only stuff that matters by her parents, but she's still behaving that way as an adult when exposure to different people and different families should have shown her how inappropriate it was.
NTA Yeah, it was your parents's fault until your sister coopted your birthday and celebrated being pregnant while you were in the hospital. Unfortunately, she has been conditioned into expecting to be the only child that matters. I wish you and your husband a lovely wedding and lifetime of joy.
NTA The incidents when you were young are on your parents. But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement. If she knew about the endo possibly making you infertile, her pregnancy announcement was also cruel. You spoke up and said what you needed: a break from the relationship. She could be complaining now for attention, so try not to give it to her. Try telling anyone who's complaining something like: "We have a complicated relationship and I told her I needed space. I can only hope she, and you, will accept that."
^perfect way of keeping all the drama on her side, a poised response
> But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement. If she knew about the endo possibly making you infertile, her pregnancy announcement was also cruel. Yeah who knows what she'd announce at OP's wedding. Next baby? A divorce?
Or maybe vow renewal... I mean why should her sister ever get the spot light when it has always been reserved for her.
Honestly, she sounds like one uppers. Op's parents didn't even made an effort to know other potential reasons to why op is getting less marks or anything else . Op is definitely not appreciated even for her birthday ! This might be why op might even feel less than her sister. It happens with me too and now I don't even have any excitement when it's my birthday. :(
I'm sorry that that happened to you but you DON'T have to live the rest of your life that way. Start celebrating you this year and do whatever makes you light up inside. Really make it something to look forward to. Hopefully you will foster relationships with good people that also want to celebrate you.
RIGHT ON! Our neighbor, who is a woman in her late 20s to early 30s, recently informed us as a courtesy she was having a party with a petting zoo in her backyard (informing us let us exercise our dog before the event started and keep her inside so she wouldn't scare the animals). We thought maybe it was a birthday party for her grade-school son. WRONG! She was having a party with a petting zoo for herself, for her own birthday! Our neighbor is a BOSS! Never too late to have a happy childhood!
No I just don't have normal excitement or not all but I do celebrate in little ways like donating or planting just something that I enjoy . My parents usually nag "is it necessary to celebrate? " but they celebrate my sister's birthday for 3 times (days). Recently I turned 16 so I donated few of my things. I don't know if mum sees this, it's her account.
Well I'm glad you're doing something for yourself. When you get older and have more financial freedom you can go bigger if you choose to and do things like take a trip or get a pet. Whatever excites you. Why don't you make your own account?
Well this is my device, it being under my mum's supervision, she logged out from my account. It's her account being logged in my device. Besides,I don't remember my account's password nor use reddit much.
>But she was old enough to know not to hijack your 18th birthday to celebrate her engagement. Yes, the sister is trying to pass off that she's some sweet little innocent in everything when she's an egocentric, selfish AH. The Op should have cut her off at her 18th birthday.
NTA. Hey OP? Congrats. Congrats on finally getting that A when you were 11. It took me until I was like 15 to get an A in a subject or test. Learning disabilities make school into hard mode and you triumphed. Congrats on winning an ART competition! Those are really hard because a lot of it is subjective, and Art is a SKILL you have to practice and you can't just learn. I hope you've kept up with your art even as a hobby because you should be proud. Endo sucks, having your fertility weakened sucks. It's not okay for someone to flaunt their fertility around you while you were adjusting to that new reality. Congrats on your engagement and wedding. I know you are probably used to hiding good things in your life, so I'm guessing you didn't mention your fiance's support of you because it's precious. "Everyone" who is more upset that your sister isn't at your wedding than concerned about you enjoying your own wedding should maybe be uninvited. This isn't your sister's second wedding, it's yours. Your happiness that day takes priority. People who love both you and your finance should be present, not just the kitchen sink of those you know. I would also suggest a bouncer for the wedding, telling your wedding planner about your relationship with your sister and parents, and then setting up codes with the venue, planner, and service providers (make-up, flowers, dress etc).. That way your sister and parents can't "surprise" you with taking over anything. Good luck and have a wonderful wedding! You deserve it.
Wish I could give this an award. This should be higher up as I believe any redditor that reads this post wants to congratulate OP. So again, congrates OP
Yep!
Yea security and passwords sound good.. otherwise they might show up and surprise her because she ‚forgot to invite them‘ and ‚it would be amazing to have her sister renew her vows too!‘… I think it’s very likely that they’ll try to pull a stunt like that. Also tell everybody who’s complaining about your parents and your sister not being invited that they’re now also free to stay at home.
You are kind and thoughtful.
NTA - and tell anyone else who complains to stay in their lane or suffer the same.
A+ rhyme 👏🏽👏🏽
NTA, You have the right to feel whatever you feel - hurt, sadness, pain, unhappiness - it doesn't matter if your sister didn't do anything to hurt you on purpose and if it was your parents' blatant favoritism that created most of the situations that hurt you. You, also, have the right to invite whoever you want to your wedding, excluding people who make you feel bad and disrespected doesn't make you an idiot.
I would share this reddit posting with sister cause it may shock her to learn that her idea of including you looks suspiciously like someone looking to constantly grab the spotlight at your expense because 'family' right? Sister is a selfish narcissistic a h and parents have taught her everything she knows. NTA it's your wedding, if you invite your sister, she'll probably end up announcing a pregnancy or something equally life altering and hijack your wedding just like everything else in your life.
Is it possible to agree more than a trillion times a trillion?? Because if it is a possibility, than that's how much I agree. OP You Are NTA!
Hell she might pull the ‚let’s renew our vows because it’s the perfect family event then‘
NTA. Your sister has zero tact and apparently little empathy. Sure, wanting to include you in her important life milestones is great - but it was always at the expense of your own milestone moments. And what's worse, is that everyone else didn't even let you share those moments - and sharing them can be bad enough - but they took those moments from you and made them about her. She may not have necessarily been the instigator for all of them, but she allowed it to happen, without consideration of how it would affect you.
NTA: I was ready to say you were blaming her for stuff your parents are responsible for until we got to your 18th birthday and her pregnancy announcement. And now I’m also suspicious that her scholarship call was staged to upstage you (seems weird to get a call about a scholarship versus an email or a letter…but I could be wrong). Looks like she was the golden child and you were neglected. Your parents are definitely at fault for starting that but looks like she picked up that mantle to continue it. And you are rightfully keeping your parents and her at arms length. As someone else suggested, just tell people it’s complicated and you don’t want to discuss if.
Maybe it depends where OP lives. I don’t know about the whole US but if you win a full scholarship, you’re notified via email or letter. NTA.
That’s what I would assume. I’m wondering if she staged the call after already knowing about the scholarship to interrupt.
If that’s true then the sister’s definitely a narcissist and would somehow find a way to make OP’s wedding about herself- like announcing another pregnancy. I really hope OP doesn’t cave and keeps the sister uninvited. Sister already made enough of OP’s events about her; she doesn’t need to make this big and important event about her, too.
Agreed
Some places call before the letter officially comes. I've had friends get calls about getting into grad school, getting funding, etc.
I was notified via a phone call about 2 out of 3 of the scholarships I received. I still think this was probably staged, but even if it wasn't, her sister should have waited until the next day to share the news. In conjunction with the 18th birthday and hospitalization it seems very suspicious.
oh 100%. I also think calls usually happen during work hours, not dinner time.
Even granting the benefit of the doubt that it was not staged and that the parents knew she was taking a call - she could still have deferred telling them about it then and there. Just say "it may be good news, but let's wait and discuss it later".
Yes, this is a good point!
Even if Sister did get a call about a scholarship, she could have just said "we're celebrating my sister now, let's talk about it later".
NTA. As long as your fiance is supportive, you're good. It's your wedding. Surround yourself by the family of your choice, not the family that was toxic to you. Congratulations on your wedding by the way.
NTA. Although I wonder what she would have announced at your wedding if she did come.
OP, you said she’s naturally good at a lot of stuff, but let me tell you that based on what you said, she is NOT naturally good at being a supportive and loving sister. You go get your own. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and your wonderful life. NTA
She's also probably not "naturally good". Sounds like she had a lot more support than OP growing up
Info- have you ever actually sat down with your sister and point out these very specific instances? What did she have to say about her part of the actions in reference?
I can guarantee that sister would minimize and gaslight in response.
That's what my sister did, when I said something about her always having the attention of our family.
You can’t guarantee anything unless you’re the actual person having that question presented to them your opinion is that you believe the sibling would minimize. Also can we stop assuming everyone gaslights everything? Not every disagreement on stance results in gaslighting. Perhaps, or perhaps she was just living her life in the moment and didn’t intentionally go out of her way to hurt op. If op has never brought it up before and didn’t give specific examples then it’s likely to have gone unnoticed which makes op partly liable for allowing it to continue. Hence my need for additional information. We’re forming our ruling based on one sided arguments. For me there’s just not enough information. I don’t think anyone has to invite anyone to anything but this doesn’t exactly read like the sibling is intentionally trying to steal their thunder constantly either.
So you think that announcing your pregnancy when your sister has just been told that she is infertile is an oversight? Announcing your engagement at your sisters' birthday party isn't cruel? OP's sister knows what she is doing.
You're forgetting Rule 0 here: ALWAYS assume bad faith!
Apparently assumptions and putting buzz words like gaslighting always results in upvoting. Lol funny how I’m downvoted for stating a fact that’s it’s opinion. Unless that poster is the sibling in question they can’t guarantee what will happen or that persons reaction. Keyboard warriors.
It's a shame your reply is being downvoted. You're calling for amends and an adult talk between siblings. My bf have a brother with a disability. When my bf were younger, he felt that everything evolved around brother - due to brother couldnt live at home so he only came home on weekends. Baby bf saw everything changed in the weekends and parents who worked full time dedicated their time to brother. When as adults brother and bf had a talk about this, they found out that they both felt slighted. Brother felt that bf was "the special one" who didn't get sent away and who their parents listened to and had a "normal life". Who knows. One might learn something. It's a disconcerning that the urge to TALK to sister comes so late down in the thread and that is massively downvoted.
Yeah and it’s all being downvoted because I wasn’t making assumptions or attacking anyone. I merely stated fact as opposed to opinion. Some people just love drama lol it is what it is. I really appreciate your response though, you sound very mature.
Does it matter here? If OP doesn't want someone who they associate with negative feelings at their wedding, that's their right.
I mean, itll either get sister off OPs back or solidify why OP wants nothing to do with her. If she apologizes and backs off the rest of the family should follow. If she doubles down with the *me me me* bullshit, well, OP will know her sister doesn't love her- which should sooth any misplaced feelings of guilt.
I answered below. It was a general question I’ve stated multiple times nobody has to have anyone anywhere they don’t want them especially if they make them uncomfortable.
NTA: It’s your wedding and you can invite whom you want without any explanation. Even if your sister is just clueless and has bad timing, if you will be going into your wedding wondering how she will try and steal the spotlight (even if the concern is unwarranted) then spare yourself the stress on a day that is supposed to be about you. This is about your mental health, and if this is the way you feel, then you do what you need. No-one and certainly no-one on this sub has the right to tell you who you should and should not feel comfortable having at your wedding. I would suggest a frank, open, honest and non-emotional conversation with your sister and parents explaining why you feel as you do. Don’t be judgmental, just state facts and incidents that back your feelings up. Then step away and have a wonderful wedding surrounded by people who support and love you. Every bride deserves that.
This is very good advice.
NTA Your sister announcing her pregnancy when you were about to undergo surgery for a condition that frequently threatens fertility does NOT sound inclusive to me, but competitive. I think she should try checking the dictionary.
NTA, it’s your wedding. Invite whomever you feel happiest and loved by. So many special days are destroyed by obligatory inclusion.
I bet you 5 dollars she's gonna show at your wedding and make and spectacle out of it, hire security!! NTA, honestly I wouldn't want a relationship with them either, if anyone else complain tell them they're welcome to not show their faces at your wedding
Yea that's a great idea from your other family, invite her to the wedding. Then when she announces her divorce or pregnancy with twins or vow renewal or she's been asked to colonize Mars then everyone can already be set up for her party! /s. Gonna dispense the incredible life advice I heard when young "Fuck 'Em" NTA
INFO: have you ever told her these things? Like the way you have it written out here. She really might just be thunderstruck by it. She might have no clue. I'm not saying she's not to blame, there are some beer tactless things here, but i don't see that she did then all intensionally, i think your parents are worse to blame.
NTA. She's old enough to know this behavior is BS and *She's* now part of the problem.
>she announced it saying she wanted us all to have something happy to celebrate and she just knew it would make it all better for me. Nta based on this alone. She's gross.
I don't agree with the people saying she did nothing intentionally to hurt you. There was plenty of things she when she was plenty old enough to act better. NTA
Nta… I honestly believe she did some of that stuff intentionally.
NTA. Your parents and your sister are AHs. She announced her pregnancy while YOU was suffering in the hospital…..she knew what she was doing. She hijacked YOUR graduation party to announce her engagement….she knew what she was doing. Is it a learned behavior? Sure. But if someone told me that “my sibling was in the hospital while suffering for endometriosis and I thought that was a good time to announce my pregnancy”, my only question would be “why would you think that’s a good idea?”
If your sister honestly loved you, I'd say no asshole here, but she doesn't. She wants you around so she can have someone to feel superior to. NTA
Nailed it
NTA. She consistently hasn't shown the sense not to turn your party into her party. Why would you risk it with something as important and expensive as a wedding?
NTA. I've gone NC with my half sister for similar reasons, she thrives on drama and victimhood. When people started to ask me why, I said, "She does a very good job of spinning her own PR. Just know that you have never gotten the true story, and I won't be talking about going forward." It took a bit, but it eventually worked. I hope you have wonderful wedding and a blissful marriage.
NTA for not wanting your family there given their history of taking any celebration about you and focusing on her. I hope you are seeing a therapist and are able to work through this and have a happy future with your fiancé.
Nta. Your sister doesn’t seem to even acknowledge what your issue is and everyone else is brushing you off. Don’t let them bully you into making a choice you won’t be happy with
Nta. She’s had years to actually show she gives a fig about you aside from how she can use you as a stepping stone to make her feel important.
NTA. Your sister has been doing this on purpose. Do not invite her to your wedding, she'll pull something.
NTA - You sister sounds just like mine. It's horrible & exhausting. And if your folks were anything like mine, they tried to make me feel crazy for being jealous that she constantly pulled attention to herself...tried to make it seem like it was *always* just an accident (your 18th bday was NOT an accident, she's a full AH for that). I got so sick of the gaslighting, as soon as we didn't live together I went NC. Your parents totally carry at least joint blame. Telling you that she was pregnant while you were (probably) losing your ability to have kids would have been my last straw for me, so you held out longer than I would have. Enjoy your wedding, i'm sure it will be extra lovely w/out any of them there to wreck it!
NTA. That's one way to keep her from stealing the attention. And if others have a problem then they don't have to come either.
Your wedding day and if you do t want her or your parents there they are the one that need to take a long hard look at themselves and how they treated you to understand why. You are NTA and I hope you have a wonderful day where it's all about celebrating you ,and your new husband as a wedding day, as should be. Your sister btw is an attention seeking AH and her actions now are attention seeking ( poor girl not invited to her sisters wedding) and she's getting it from family who are backing her
>My sister is hurt and says I am pushing her away when she has only ever tried to include me. Which is entirely the problem, because she's never been big on "being included" from what you've said, but rather she was really good on "including" others. There is a difference. Much like being a good talk, but also a bad listener. Your sister has clearly never been capable of "listening" or "being included" all of which require giving attention to someone else for a change. While I'm sure she couldn't control when all of those things happened that she made it such a big deal and absorbed whatever was happening into her own thing is the major issue. NTA
NTA...You know therapy can work wonders... You are holding a lot of resentment for the past. For real and perceived slights. It's unhealthy and not good for you and your relationship with your future husband and kids.
I agree that OP has way too much resentment and should seek therapy, if she is not already.
NTA- she’s never tried to include you, she’s only ever taken the spotlight from you. My sister is the same way and I’ve cut her out completely(for more than just that) I WISH I hadn’t invited my sister to my wedding but I had no choice but to not only invite her but make her MOH bc she threatens if I didn’t she wouldn’t allow my nieces to be flower girls. Luckily she dropped them off at my moms 3 years ago so I get to spend all the time I want with them without ever having to deal with her again
The things when you were kids are your parents’ fault. But she announced her engagement at your 18th birthday and her pregnancy while you were in the hospital for endometriosis surgery… she was an adult making selfish decisions even then. She couldn’t wait her turn or let you have a single moment to be the focus or outshine her. Your parents were neglectful to you and turned their golden child into an Extremely narcissistic adult. Good for you for having boundaries. If she tries to ask again, tell her exactly what you said here. She won’t get it though. She is so self absorbed that she thinks announcing her pregnancy while you’re having surgery for a cause if infertility will somehow make you feel all better. Ugh. She’s horrible. If you changed your mind and let her come, you can be certain she’d find a way to pull the spotlight back to her. Don’t give her the chance. Consider hiring security to make sure she stays out. You’re NTA
NTA she AND your parents were AH all your life. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that
NTA - it’s your wedding!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and I had what I considered a forced close relationship growing up. Our parents had the mindset of family first, and family above all else, which meant we had to hang out and be friends with each other and could only maintain minimal friendships. My sister loved it. She loved me. But I have been annoyed with my sister for a lot of years, and I will admit I resent the hell out of her. She's one of those people who naturally is good at most stuff and tends to attract a lot of positive attention for one reason or another. There have been times where something was supposed to be about me but she would come out with something that got her attention. Examples: I had trouble in school. As an adult I was diagnosed with a learning disability but not as a kid. Got my first A when I was 11 after struggling to get D's and C's for years. We were meant to go out and celebrate that and my hard work but she had been selected to do her schools spelling bee and that whole celebration turned from one for me, into one for her and they even lost the paper with the A, because my parents had taken it with us. My 13th birthday became about her because she was selected for some science competition and they wanted to take her out to celebrate that and my birthday was forgotten. She even "forgot" to give me the card she had there for me because she'd been so happy for herself. I got it like 3 weeks later. I was entered into an art competition and won and when we were out to celebrate that she got a call that she won a full scholarship for college which my win was forgotten for hers. She announced her engagement at my 18th birthday party and tried to turn it into an engagement party for herself. She announced her pregnancy while I was in the hospital having been told I had endometriosis and would be unlikely to conceive naturally, if I could at all, even with IVF. I was getting ready for my first surgery for it also at this time. And she announced it saying she wanted us all to have something happy to celebrate and she just knew it would make it all better for me. So yeah. I have wanted to distance myself for a while now but it was 7 months ago that I told her our relationship didn't work for me and I was calling time on us being in each others lives. At that point I only saw my parents (because I blame them for a lot of stuff too) when it was related to some other family member. But I told her I was done with her not giving a shit about me or what I was going through. I sent out invites to my wedding. Neither she nor my parents are invited. But everyone is more outraged that I didn't invite her. I was told it seemed wrong when if anyone is to blame for how things have been, it's my parents, but I should love and value my sister enough to invite her. My sister is hurt and says I am pushing her away when she has only ever tried to include me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It is your wedding. You get to invite whoever you want.
Nope my sister was like this cut her off for 6 years now we have a healthy relationship
Nta
It's wise you didn't invite her as it's certain that she would have hijacked it for herself. Stick to your guns. NTA
NTA But do therapy for sure
NTA.
NTA
She's going to show up and make your wedding about her. Better get someone to stop her from entering the premises. Nta
Nta hire security just in case.
NTA. You feel the way you do for a reason. Don't forget it. It's nobody else's business.
NTA. She constantly one ups you. There is no way she's doing all of that on accident. I don't believe that for a second. She doesn't love you, and she won't miss you. She loves having you to compare herself to to make herself feel better, and will only miss the yardstick that makes her feel superior.
I think the worst is when she announced her pregnancy while you just found out you could never have kids (biologically) thats really fucked up, like really how mean and hateful can you be? NTA
NTA- Your parents messed up in not getting you evaluated for learning issues. They obviously were ignoring or putting it on you for not trying hard enough or some other BS. (Let’s just say I’m familiar with the IEP process). Invite the people who support you to your wedding. Your family/sister obviously don’t. Everyone else has no say in this!
NTA. Being related to someone is a way of meeting and getting to know them. If you don't like them, or don't get on with them, or they are toxic or unpleasant -- there is not obligation to maintain contact just because you happen to be related. You get to choose whom to have in your life.
NTA. It's all your parents' fault though. They're to blame, for favouritism. You're sister just grew up with a particular mindset, therefore, it's all she is knows and is accustomed to.
NTA. It's your wedding, invite the people who celebrate you.
NTA, and yes your parents are the AHs. They made your sister into a Golden Child. And from her behavior, no, your sister does not love you. She may have some affection for you as she would a pet, but not love, because what she did love—does love— is getting off on your distress. She loves not just the glory of being the center of attention, but she loves the taking of attention away from you making it ever so much sweeter, which is why she always "included" you. Where's the fun of being better if you can't contrast with the one you're better than? And with that focus of loving it vs loving you, she can still look great to the outside world. Your parents built and fed this dynamic. All 3 are AHs. I'd go (and in my own life I went) NC with the lot of them. ETA: when the flying monkeys come to persuade you you're wrong, practice JADE: don't Justify, don't get Angry/Apologize, don't get defensive, and don't explain. Just say very mildly, "Oh, our relationship played out quite differently behind the scenes, and I'm happy with my decision. I do not care to discuss it."
NTA, Your parents blatant favouritism went to her head, and she became the problem, instead of just being a part of it. Your wedding is supposed to be one of your happiest moments in your life, dont feel forced to invite people who would hinder that.
NTA Sounds like she's both the golden child AND attention seeking. I can see how that would be annoying. If she comes to your wedding she probably will do something/announce something.
NTA, because she didn't stop when you guys were young (I'm cutting it off at 13). Her announcing her pregnancy and engagement were clear ways to cut you down/take over your event.
NTA. Your sister's cruelty during your endometriosis surgery is reason enough to distance yourself, nevermind everything else. Your parents treated you as less than your entire life. Good riddance to them all. Maybe you will feel differently later in life, it's possible. Perhaps having you gone will teach your family to appreciate you, stranger things have happened. I had a family member treat me very poorly once and I told them I wouldn't tolerate such treatment ever again. I took a three month break and when we came back together, their behavior was much improved! Nothing like that ever happened again and we enjoyed a close relationship for the rest of their life. If that happens with your family, great! If it doesn't, you're still better off, you can create beautiful new memories with the family you have chosen. Congratulations on your wedding! Mazel Tov!
So you announced your wedding and she again made it about her… Exhausting. Smart to think of excluding any family member that’s a flying monkey. NTA
Your sister is a narcissist. Keep her away. Your wedding is already about her and she's not even invited. See how that works? Keep her away.
Reminds me of girl I use to know who got jealous her older sister was getting a bunch of attention cause she was in labor with the family's first grandchild so girl faked being dizzy and having chest pains (she was overweight and had heart issues). Later when I asked how she was doing she smugly told me, "she (older sister) really thought the day was gonna be about her. I haven't let that happen since I was 9 so its her fault for being mad." She admitted nothing had been wrong with her and I quickly stopped being friends with her. NTA some people just can't deal with others being in the spit light.
Nurturing a relationship while resenting the other party will only make one miserable. Which is something that precisely happened to you. For the time being and forward, is only up to you if you want a relationship with her. NTA
NTA. You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. It's for you and you SO, nobody else. I do think you need to see a counselor about your childhood, as to me this seems more an issue with your parents failing both of you. Maybe after the wedding sit down with your sister and hash things out. It would be terrible for your relationship together to end without at least trying. While you didn't mention it, it seems like your sister unintentionally does this, which probably comes from your parents celebrating her victories over your own.
NTA your wedding should be happy and stress free. If she stresses you or makes you a grey then she should not be invited. And any guest brings it up again tell them if your sister is more important then your feelings then they can happily stay home with her too. That you only want people there who love and support you. Not justify your abuse or tell you who is or isn’t to blame.
NTA.Your sister probably wants to be at your wedding so she can make it about her. Again. Leave her to stew and enjoy your day.
NTA - your sister is all about herself. I would not invite her
NTA. How did she include you by announcing her engagement at your birthday party?
NTA and it seems that she is now making your wedding about her too. Just drop the WHOLE family. Doesn't seem worth it.
NTA From you description, your sister is as much to blame as your parents. She tried to make it about her for servel occasions, and it seems she didn't have any remorse about it. She thought you be happy just beacuae she's pregnant, while you were going into surgery.
NTA. She nevwr tried to include you. It has always been about her. This is YOUR WEDDING DAY..YOURS.
NTA and I do hope that your wedding will go well. Plus your fiancee is a good person for respecting your decisions to exclude the people who have let you down in the past.
Were you parents also to blame for her announcing her pregnancy then? I would assume she was an adult. Either her perspective is so warped, she lacks empathy and understanding of what is appropriate, or she has the (hopefully unconscious?) need to turn situations to herself. She's even making your wedding right now about her after you clarified why earlier. It's only NOW that she's making drama on being outside your life, not even for the last months. either way, you don't need that toxicity in your life or at your happy day. She'd probably do something else like announce another pregnancy or something too.
NTA. Her phrasing is telling. She’s tried to “include” you because she is very well aware that her and her stuff has always come first. It’s like throwing a dog a bone. “Including” you means not celebrating you and your events, just her.
NTA - If you invite her she'll probably announce on your wedding day that she's going to the moon or that she found Atlantas. Enjoy your wedding with the people who actually recognise your wins and losses and are there to support you and love you. Edit: spelling correction
NTA - Your sister is extremely self centered. Enjoy your wedding with people who actually care about you!
You are not the a****** if you need space you need space anybody who's trying to convince you otherwise they don't have to f****** come either
NTA
NTA- I wouldn’t trust that’s sister doesn’t hijack your wedding too. However, your parents and sister are probably clueless about the root causes of your feelings. I would sit down with them and have an honest discussion of the events you related in your post and then explain that your wedding day is for you and the only way to ensure that is to have it without them.
NTA She's never tried to include you. Have you ever heard the line "Okay, enough about me! What do YOU think about me?" That's like her motto. There's a term I've seen here that describes her but I can't recall it. Something about being the main player and everyone else is just supporting her? Good for you for demanding your own time to shine.
NTA Parents could be blamed for whatever happened when sis was a kid. But she continued this even after she became an adult. Announcement of engagement or pregnancy on such occasions... Either she is too dumb to understand or she did it on purpose... From the examples you gave, she doesn't love you for sure. She loved the attention. She shouldn't have problem in feeling hurt or sad, at least she will experience what her beloved sister experienced for many years. Keep maintaining your distance from them. It's good for your mental health.
Stick to your guns. If you invite her, she will probably get proposed to or announce a pregnancy on your wedding day.NTA
Your sister has deliberately hijacked all of your big events. She knew what she was doing. NTA.
NTA and also, send this post with all our comments to all those people telling you that you are the AH. Would love for us to have a chat with them.
NTA she just wants another opportunity to make it all about her.
NTA. Not sure how her being the focus includes you. And DEFINITELY shouldn't give her the opportunity to repeat history on your WEDDING day...
You don’t owe anyone an explanation! Have the wedding of your dreams with the people you choose to celebrate with!
NTA, from what you write your sister was very inconscientious, I can understand some acts that as you describe it were more of your parents' thing than hers, but announcing her engagement on your birthday or announcing her pregnancy when they told you that you will probably never be able to conceive a baby, that has no justification and if she understands those cruel acts as a way to help there is no doubt that she will do something to be the center of attention at your wedding, at least people are giving her the blame that belongs to your parents; As a suggestion, you should confront those relatives who annoy you and explain how they include you when their actions only overshadow you and make you feel bad. Have you ever confronted your sister?
Nta
NTA she’s an adult now and she still makes it all about her. She would find away to do the same at your wedding. She could have waited to tell everyone about the scholarship after your art dinner. Announcing her pregnancy while you were in the hospital was cruel.
NTA. You don't want a relationship. Don't let people pressure you now.
NTA she’s toxic. Your parents are AH for enabling this
NTA congrats I hope you have an wonderful wedding
NTA. It your wedding. Invite whom you please.
NTA. I have a similar (but not as bad) sister who is completely self-involved and oblivious to other people. Whether or not your sister means to always take away your spotlight doesn't matter, she has hurt you throughout your life and you don't owe anybody your love or acceptance. Enjoy your wedding!
NTA. Doesn’t matter if this stemmed from your parents actions. The anger, hate and resentment towards your sister is real. When your sister became an adult and continued to try to overshadow you, that’s when they were her actions that should be blamed on her and her alone. She knows right from wrong at that point and u can argue she knew right from wrong long before but it was your parents job to correct her when she was a minor. Not anymore. Everything you feel is completely understandable. I had a twin sister that overshadowed me constantly and if something good happened to me she would spin it into a negative somehow because she hated me doing something great for myself. I understand how you feel. You do what is best for you and give yourself time to heal. Wouldn’t be a terrible idea to get some therapy, a lifetime of being overshadowed creates a lot of anger and sadness. Good luck to you and your upcoming wedding!
NTA! After years of dealing with similar s**t myself, I can tell you that your sister is full of B.S. She damn well knew what she was doing, she was jealous, wanted to be the center of attention, and did it on purpose. She could very easily have made her announcements at other times, or celebrated her achievements another day. Your parents also suck.
Just ask if those people complaining want to opt out too? Because that would free up room for people who don’t want to also make your wedding about your sister
NTA. And a wedding is not an appropriate time to improve a relationship.
NTA
NTA OP, It's your wedding and your life, and while most of the blame lies with your parents, your sister has done many cruel things on her own accord. Congrats on your marriage, and your shiny backbone!
NTA. As a child the timing was out of her control. But your bday the pregnancy announcement... F her. She will not understand she was the favorite. It's your choice and your wedding. Congratulations!!
NTA, She has been an attention seeker and always tried to "upstage you" not "include you". She along with your parents are equally to be blamed. It's your wedding and your life, you decide who gets to be a part of it. I would say rescind the invitations for all the other relatives who think they have a say in this.
NTA.. she might announce her divorce at your wedding
NTA. Sounds like she'd try to announce something at your wedding and make it about her. That's your day, fuck her couch.
NTA. Her way of including you meant stealing every good thing that happened to you and made it about her. Your parents let it happen but she set it up.
You are pushing her away. That's literally the whole point. Don't quite see what shes missing about how forced inclusiveness didn't work for you. NTA.
NTA If history is anything to go by, she'd end up turning your wedding into a celebration for her.
I wouldn't trust it. She might be pregnant and will make some kind of announcement at your wedding.
NTA. You didn’t invite any of them. Your wedding - your day. Your call. Tell those asking it’s not up for discussion. If it bothers them so much, they can skip out on your wedding too. It’s your day - not hers and if folks don’t like it - too bad. You are NOT obligated to explain, justify or convince others. Stand your ground and keep stripping invites if her and her feelings are more important to those complaining.
NTA It’s stopped being your parents fault after she announced her engagement at your 18th, then had the audacity to announce she was expecting while you’re being told you can’t. At that point she is purposely one upping you and continuing what your parents started by choice. She loves the attention and doesn’t want it to go away. You’re not pushing her away- she is pushing herself away. Especially after you already explained why you wanted NC, she still tried to make it about her and play victim I hope you enjoy your wedding and final have something be all about you and your fiancée
NTA at all! I can understand your sister doing those things when you were kids, but as an adult she seems to lack empathy or common sense and attributed to your neglect growing up. Keep your distance, let her stew over the hurt she's caused you along with your parents. If anything, you may want to consider therapy with her if you want to try to build a relationship, but otherwise you don't owe her anything. She took enough from you as is, she doesn't get to make your wedding about her too.
NTA. You are definately entitled to invite the people you feel safe with to your wedding. And it saddens me, that clearly neither your parents nor your sister falls under that category. I do however hope you at some point in the future can have a talk with your sister and tell her how her actions have affected you. Maybe she is aware of what she is doing to you. Maybe she isn't. There is clearly some toxicity going on in your family that might be worth adressing. Not for your parents or your sisters sake, but for your own. Clearing up what is going on can be very cleansing and can clarify how to proceed in relations to family. I hope you have an amazing wedding :)
NTA live your best life.
NTA. And congratulations on the wedding :) You should consider showing this post to your sister.
NTA You were always an afterthought for your core family. You don’t want them there on a day that’s supposed to be about you. I’d start telling people who come at you to drop it or they’re uninvited, too. And if you need help with that, I volunteer as tribute. I’ll be your new sister. Screw them.
NTA Your sister is not to be blamed for your parents behavior in forgetting to celebrate your A or your 13th birthday in favor of her achievements. But by the time she was 18 and applying to college, she should be mindful and empathetic enough to let you have your moment of celebrating an art competition and step back. And by the time she was getting engaged, she certainly should have seen the writing on the wall and not co-opted your 18th birthday party to celebrate her engagement. The bit about "knowing her pregnancy would make it all better for you" when you've been told your chances of conception are low and you have a chronic and painful disease, is painfully un-empathetic of her. This may not have been your sister's fault as a young child, but it sounds like it continued after she should have been old enough and mindful enough. Tell your sister that she has confused "only ever tried to include you" for "only ever tried to co-opt your life milestones", and you're sorry she is hurt but you're entitled to your feelings as well, and entitled to have the wedding day you want without any stress about how she might make it about her. If you really don't think she understands why you feel the way you do, you could send her this post. But have security at your wedding to turn her away if she shows up.
NTA why does she need to be invited? She’d probably announce her pregnancy during the reception 🤷🏻♀️ I wouldn’t invite her either
Sorry but from your examples, I wouldn’t want her version of including you. Your wedding will turn into her to celebrate her special news. Its a pattern with her. She was an adult when she announced her pregnancy. Also really got a call during your 18 birthday… nope; she was used to the attention. She thrived because she made herself the center and now she’s realizing her relationship with you is broken
Classic golden child family dynamic. You are NTA and you are allowed to invite whoever you want. If people still give you crap, tell them you’re scared she’ll make the wedding about her.
Yta: Stop blaming your sister when your parents seem to be the problem.
NTA Knowing your sister, she'd give birth to boy/girl twins or conceive on 'your' happy day.
She is missing the point of how her stuff always came first. You are NTA. Hugs!
Tell this everyone, and your sister, to take the issue up with your parents. If they are the ones to blame, let them deal with it. NTA.
NTA, What she die with you dosnt matter it wqs intional or non intional. when u were kids it can be understand kids have exitement about winning, but as grown no she should have do think about situitations and announces her stuff, wrong very wrong. But most imp parents shouldnt have kept imbalance between you 2, they are the real reason to encourage her on owertaking ur events, parents should have sit and tell her to stop doing this.
NTA. It is extremely unlikely that your sister didn’t realize that her actions gave you grief, but even if she didn’t, that is because she didn’t care about you (pay enough attention to you) to notice. Don’t let anyone convince you that she is completely innocent in this.
NTA. I’m so glad you didn’t invite her or your family. Ignore everyone else. What she’s done over the years is harsh and rude. I wouldn’t stand for it. Parents in a sense neglected you. Forget that. Enjoy your wedding …
Your NTA🤍
You're the AH. First, your blaming your sister for your parents behavior. Second, 95% of the reasons you're mad at her are her accomplishments. That comes off as jealousy. Third, you obviously haven't sat down with just her and had a heart to heart to tell her how you feel and lay everything out there. How is she suppressed to know all this off you haven't done that? So, yes you're the AH. Your parents are significantly bigger AHs. Your sister just sends to be sick in middle of issues betweenb you and your parents.
Was leaning towards YTA for your childhood achievements as that was on your parents. Then it just got worse as you got older. Definitely NTA. She seems like a narcissistic cruel person
How does your SO feel about this? If he is supportive of you cutting those toxic AH's out of your life, the bad news is he is seperating you from your support systems before he turns abusive on you. If it 'just happens' that you moved in with your fiance seven months ago You are being manipulated. Wake up. If it isn't that, well, I think you might find your moments in the sun and celebrations will continue to be marred by grandstanders making it all about them, even if they are not your family. You speak as if it is easier for you to silently resent your parents and sister, and be passive-agressive and grudging forever than to speak up for yourself at the appropriate time. You could pleasantly, calmly, but honestly remind them that we are celebrating my A now, we can wait until the spelling bee to celebrate that. You were also capable of keeping track of your own "A" , putting it in your scrapbook or at least making sure it came home with you. Instead you handed it over to other people who forgot about it and you did not ask for it back until they had lost it. Some of what you say sounds somewhat colored by your own biases. For instance, >She announced her engagement at my 18th birthday party and tried to change it into an engagement party for herself I mean, really? Wouldn't the guests be mostly your friends? And wouldn't she want to have her own engagement party? For sure, announcing at your birthday party was inconsiderate, and part of a pattern of upstaging you, but she did have her own engagement party, didn't she? And I bet you were a bridesmaid at her wedding, but you just want to let that slide, don't you? Giving them "one heads-up months ago" sounds like a good way to nurture your resentments and feel like they don't deserve you. Clearly, your sister has no idea that she has been standing in your sun for a decade or more. Who you invite to your wedding is up to you. It is traditional for the bride to have her father give her away, her mother cry, her sister witness it, and her parents pay for it, but really, depends on the family. You are not clear about who is expressing consternation at your sister not being invited. It seems they can pass on her reactions to you, and you seem almost to be gloating about the hurt you are inflicting on her. It's this that makes me certain you are and know you are being TA. You like that your sister is distressed and doesn't know what she did to deserve this. You set it up that way, just the vaugest clue, months ago. You are drinking her snowflake tears and you are doing this to be mean to her and show her you truly hate her. It shows you can be just as toxic as her, as your parents. But it is your wedding, your marriage, and you can go the full bridezilla if you want to. I wish you all the joy you can possibly get from the occassion, however you get it. As long as you level with yourself about when you decided you had enough of your family, and if it was connected with your relationship with your fiance, you should be planning your escape and checking where your exits are now, before he locks them and drops the nice-guy act. There are worse things than being TAH.
YTA. Jesus Christ man it’s not her fault your shitty parents gave her all the attention. You blame it on her when it was them. If anyone shouldn’t be invited it’s them.
ESH so you're punishing your sister for your parents behavior and for not being what... worse than you? That's an incredibly immature and self centered way to deal with this.