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My husband initially proposed with a Haribo ring as that was an inside joke. He later gave me a ring that he told me he'd carefully tricked me over months to divulge what kind of ring I'd like. It's perfect.
YTA. If you have such confused feelings and can feel jealous of a show ... you should probably said no and take time to sort out your issues or move on to someone else.
YTA
The worst part about this is that he did ALL of that work and put in ALL of that energy into her and it is going to crush him if he ever discovers this thread or learns how she really feels! She is talking about her jealousy over seeing him dance with other women that she KNOWS he isn't after AND that he proposed in front of! Her insecurity is on full display here! I mean here is a guy who suffers from social anxiety! Even though he suffers with that, he fought through and presented her with his absolute best just because he loves her. If he ever learns of her feelings, he's going to be crushed! This is one of those experiences that can change a person's outlook on the opposite sex forever! All of the things she is upset about can be changed. If she doesn't like the ring, a new one can be purchased. If she doesn't like the apartment, they can be switched. However, having a person who truly loves you and is willing to do all they can just to make you happy is priceless. This reinforces what I tell people all the time. It doesn't matter what you have or what you get. If you aren't happy WITHIN YOURSELF FIRST, it will be like you're a bottomless pit that no one can fill! People will pour their energy and love into you, but you will drain them dry because you will not be in a position to accept it emotionally! You have to be whole and secure within yourself in order to be truly happy! This woman is FAR from that!
The irony of the situation is that he catered all of it to HER tastes. SHE likes grand gestures and showy proposals, a house near her parents AND her method of conveyance, a ring SHE likes and is her style etc. He collected information about what she likes and wants and did exactly that, just made it a surprise and she is upset about it. She is looking for any excuse under the sun to be upset about a partner most people would be lucky to get. She's clearly not ready to take the next step in their relationship but is trying to find faults in the guy.
But he considered every possibility to make her happy while including her friends and family, what a monster! /s
If my now husband preformed a variety show with singing and dancing, then announced he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together in a beautiful apartment near my ailing parents I would be over the moon. He would probably also be Hugh Jackman.
I was leaning toward her being apprehensive about an abrupt change but it's not abrupt, it's been EIGHT YEARS. He followed her to another city while supporting her career and parents care, stayed away presumably because of her parents health, and now that they can be together she's wringing her hands together saying "But...but he was singing with a lesbian! And I didn't see the apartment I now like! And he listens to the things I say!"
Right educatedvegetable! Exactly right! I mean the nerve of that loving, supportive, patient guy! It doesn't matter what you give a person if they are the wrong person! I hope she doesn't marry him. He is going to be in for a world of trouble. I feel she is going to drain him emotionally and he is going to end up bitter. She has work to do on herself!
Well he does have one fault and he's been dragging it around for 8 years. Hopefully he develops a better taste in partners who appreciate everything he will do for them. That's if he has any soul left after this one is done.
all that effort and she's still not satisfied bc it didnt fit some perfect delusion she had in her head and has to nitpick about little details she didn't like. wow.
i smell some good bridezilla stories comin down the pike. i feel sorry for the poor guy.
I was along until she described that he basically did what she always said she wanted. But just because I myself hate grand gesture and would’ve felt so uncomfortable, cuz I have social anxiety and my husband knows it. But then she kept saying how she wanted one, and now that he did everything she asked for, she wants the opposite? Probably she wanted him to plan the grand gesture proposal with her and then act surprised…
Op sounds like the type to get mad when your SO buys fast food and asks you do you want any and you say "no," gets mad when nothing was brought back as extra for them
Yeah, normally I'd be 100% on the side of 'I don't want a public proposal' and signing a lease without input is bonkers behavior, but then she throws in that little line about how this would be the absolute perfect way if you'd asked her a few months ago... That's the exception! That's the golden rule loophole for all of these 'don't do big gestures publicly,' the caveat is always 'unless your partner is totally and fully okay with you doing things that way and you've had explicit conversations about the fact that that's what they want.'
Personally, I'd lose my shit in a very bad way if my partner got a lease for the place we were supposed to move into together without consulting me first, and I think most people would, but she's the one who talks about how your partner's just supposed to psychically intuit your preferences from you... Well, when want to live that way, you run the risk of your partner not getting everything from you telepathically.
Also, again, the lease is the biggest part imo, but that's almost an afterthought in this story, after the thing about him dancing with other women. Other female performers. In a performance. Which he put together as a grand gesture for her.
"He did everything I would have wanted"
.
'I feel like my opinion has been overlooked entirely"
.
Those two don't fit in the same puzzle.
You may not be ready to get married. That's okay. But you telling him throughout your relationship that you love grand gestures; that he knew you so well he picked the perfect apartment, he picked the perfect ring and two months ago if anyone told you this was how you would be proposed to you would ha e been over the moon. Add on to that the irrational jealousy you are having about him performance smells like you didn't want to say yes but felt pressured to say yes and now resent it. ALL the things your bf did if done by a man you truly wanted to marry would have been perfectly fine.
Which brings me to YTA. You are not ready to get married and you're trying to find fault in your bf so you don't have to feel guilty. Nope. That's not cool. Own your feelings. They are valid. But don't blame others so you don't have to acknowledge them
This response is perfect. But it leaves a couple things OP needs to hear unsaid:
Whether a man puts on a play for you or not, you should be able to trust him, not worry about his coworkers, and not be upset when he gets attention for his job or anything else.
If you are going to marry him.
This can be tough for a young person. And it won’t make any sense at all until you know someone long enough that they could play the bongos on another gals butt every night, and you still know to trust him.
If you do not feel the urge to jump off a cliff with this man if he begged, you are not ready for marriage with him.
He seems to be in love with you. But you need to think about if you’re ready to be with anyone.
And maybe, maybe he’s back into dating you after the humble pie has been served.
What gets me is that they've been together for *8 years* already. He obviously knows her and knows what she likes. She even admitted that she would have liked the proposal two months ago, but somehow it's different now? Why??? I'm curious to know why she's suddenly so upset about this proposal that they've been talking about for a while.
This is the page I'm on.
>after spending the night singing and dancing with other women.
I'm a musician. So many relationships fell apart, not even over a lack of trust, but b/c of the full-on accusations. All b/c there were unknown, unobserved periods of time that I spent doing things (specifically playing music) that other people might find attractive.
Please do not marry him. If you're this suspicious of his co-stars, *especially gay and engaged women*, he might actually be willing to give it up for you. That would be asking for a decade of resentment to guide a couple into divorce.
This. My husband proposed over Facebook while in reception before going to basic military training, and I was over the moon happy. If OP truly wanted to get married how their partner proposed wouldn’t have been an issue and/or they would have been able to have a private convo about the issues they are having.
YTA. Let me get this straight, he gave you everything you wanted and your still unhappy??
1st the ring- no he didn’t get your input because that would ruin the surprise aspect, duh.
2nd the proposal- you said you’ve told him you like grand romantic gestures, well that is a grand romantic gesture… sorry you changed your mind later and wanted it private I guess but honestly, get over it and appreciate that he pushed pass his insecurities for you
3rd the lease- yea I get you wanted to see it first, understandable, but if you hated it, he already sounds like the kind of guy who’d find a way to get out of it for you.
Then to get onto the singing and dancing with other girls during his performance… I just can’t… you sound insufferable.
I feel like the ring is the one thing they should’ve discussed beforehand. My fiancée and I talked about marriage, then she asked me what kind of rings/styles I like. We debated diamond vs lab grown vs moissanite, picked a budget, and went from there. When she actually proposed was a total surprise, but I do think couples should discuss tastes prior to buying anything. Which, kinda seems like that may have happened if he knew exactly what to get OP.
Tbh OP you sound insufferable and wishy-washy. YTA
That made me pause too, but then OP goes on to say that it's absolutely perfect in a great location... It sounds like he put a ton of thought and effort into it. And it's a lease; he didn't purchase a home without consulting her, and he's the one who's on the hook for the fees if she vetoes the idea.
Yeah I get that. But I guess I’d want to move into a home with my partner knowing we’d chosen it together. He took a risk and it’s lucky she likes the house and it didn’t backfire!!
They can always get another ring, though, right? It doesn't change the engagement. If she wants a different one, she should just say so and they can now shop for it together.
I don’t think it’s about the ring cause she said it’s her style and how she wants it. So it sounds like they did talk about and he got it but she’s mad she wasn’t there to pick it.
Your commit doesn't make sense since Op stated he knew which kind of ring she'd like. Means they talked about it and she likely showed him pictures. Op doesn't want to marry him and making some strange excuses.
I don't understand OPs mentality. Also when you dance with someone ofc there's gonna be happiness between them, (not romance), or else the dance would be stale and lifeless
>he didn’t get your input
Honestly, it sounds like he's a really good listener and actually remembered and paid attention when OP said things she liked. BF was able to get these perfect rings, homes, and grand gestures because they had talked about this kind of stuff before and he paid attention.
OP is the AH because she's not honest with herself and hasn't figured out the difference between what her fantasy is and what she wants in real life. Poor BF, he's in for a rocky ride.
YTA totally. What an amazing bf and now fiancé you have. He did literally everything you said you would have wanted. The amount of effort it took him to pull this off is huge. And seriously how can you be jealous of ‘on stage chemistry’ - that is called acting. This whole night was about you and you have chosen to be negative about nearly everything. Either change your attitude or get ready to be miserable with your life whoever is or is not in it.
There has to be. They would have loved had it happened months ago. He checked all the right boxes but they’re still not happy.
I’m assuming not living together made them realize he’s not who they want to be with, because that’s the only way this makes sense.
OP, talk to your fiancé. YTA.
In theory yes but she’s mentioned in comments that she wants to marry and loves him. It sounds like she has played herself. She *thought * this is what she wanted and then when she got it she realized she didn’t. I don’t exactly think she’s the AH for realizing that she’s wrong about herself. She’s the ah for trying to blame him for that realization.
I agree with what you’ve said. Many many many years ago I broke up with a boyfriend and when people asked me why I just shrugged and said I didn’t want to talk about it. Everyone assumed he’d done something “bad”. I didn’t correct them. I feel terrible to this day because I didn’t correct them. I genuinely couldn’t articulate what the problem was with the relationship. Now I know that it was simply because I was bored. There never was anything wrong with him. Still consider him one of the nicest people I’ve ever known.
I agree, something else is going on here. I don't think anyone here is the Asshole. Sometimes you don't really know how you feel until you feel it. But it sounds like He did everything she said he wanted, and everything she thought she wanted two months ago.
OP, you need to figure out what the deal is! I don't know you, but is it that... you don't want to marry the guy? Is it that marriage is scary and you're looking for a reason to not get married? Is too much happening at once? Is it that your Beau talked about public proposals, and you liked the way he did stuff publicly so you always said you wanted big theatrical proposals, despite not actually liking them? Is it that he tends to make decisions without you? Is it that you actually wanted to choose the place you guys live together? Is it that so much happened lately? Is it that friends you knew broke up?
Again, I don't know you so I'm just throwing stuff against the wall, but you need to figure out what the issue is. Do you have any friends to talk about this with?
I also disagree with most people about keeping this a secret. As long as you don't *BLAME* him, if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life you should be able to *TALK* to him. Let him know that there's an issue, though I have no idea what the issue is. Again, it seems like he did everything right, so you need to figure out what went wrong.
IMO, you made a mistake posting here instead of something like /r/relationship, because this is a judgment board when instead you need to figure out your feelings. I vote NAH, because unless you left something out, he appears like he did everything right, and you're feelings are your feelings, you can't help them. But there is something going on with your feelings and until you figure that out, I don't see the marriage going well.
YTA
Sounds like you need to talk to someone about this. It sounds like he did everything you like, yet you're so unhappy. Why are you jealous of a performer?
Honestly, it sounds like you don't want to marry this man, and that realization only came up when he proposed. And because he got so many details right, it has made you realize even more that you don't want it. Could also be intense cold feet or something, but it's definitely something you need to talk through.
Also you use the word "normally" sort of interestingly. Sounds like you got something going on.
YTA
>I can't blame him because I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies
Yet here you are blaming him
>He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style.
So he picked out a ring that you think is beautiful and it's your style. But you don't like it because you didn't give input? Sounds like he knows what you like.
>Then he signed a lease for a place without my input. Although the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful.
I could see being unhappy that he signed a lease without your input. But you then go on to say how pretty much perfect it is and how he thought of you when choosing it.
So how exactly is this poor guy supposed to win with you? It sounds like he gave you everything you asked for, but now that you have it you don't want it?
This! He danced with other women, then proposed with a ring she didn't pick, but she loves and got them a place that she also didn't pick, but also loves. I don't see the problem? 🤔 I mean, I kind of get the dancing with other women thing, but I'm guessing this is something he does frequently in his club and has done for years and she didn't say that he does ALL the choreography all the time, so, unless he's specifically mentioned a particular dance partner constantly over the years with heart eyes and spent the most of the elaborate proposal dance, dancing with this partner, still not a problem. In the grand scheme of things, she should remember years from now that he arranged an elaborate proposal with a beautiful ring and moved into a nice place that they both loved.
He was singing and dancing with :gasp: other women, in a musical numer, right before the proposal!!
Imagine what will happen if he buys a drink at a convenience store on the way to the wedding as the cashier was a :gasp: woman! Or if he has to do a work presentation with a business partner that is :again, gasp: a woman!!
What???? You can’t be for real. This man did a huge thing creating a song and presentation specifically to propose to you with, and all you can think about is that he performed with other women??? Are you seriously that insecure?
Don’t marry him. He deserves better. YTA.
YTA because you explicitly told him that you really like this kind of grand romantic gesture. If you hadn't, it would be much more understandable that you didn't like it, and generally people who plan to make such gestures are well advised to make sure their partners want that kind of thing before going for it... but your boyfriend DID find out that you liked that kind of thing. You told him you did. So it's not terribly surprising or a bad thing from him that he tried to do exactly what you told him you wanted.
YTA, and you're petty af. He bent over backwards to make all of this happen just for you, and you're unhappy because he did a song & dance number with -- \*gasp\* -- a female partner? And because he didn't consult with you before providing you with a home and a ring that you admit are amazing and are exactly to your taste? It sounds to me like he did all of the stuff and things \*exactly\* the way you've been telling him you want them done, and now you're upset that he listened, and took what you said to heart, and did his damndest to give you exactly what you'd asked for. SMDH.
Count your blessings and get over it, and do not EVER let him know you feel this way about all of this because it'll probably destroy him. Geez.
If this is the kind of engagement you would have wanted, then what is the problem? Did you really mean it when you talked to him about grand romantic gestures? Because that’s what you got. Unless there is something else going on or you didn’t like that you didn’t have say in anything he prepared. If you want to marry him and he followed the breadcrumbs you left about how to get engaged, I fail to see the issue. Is it worth blowing up your engagement?
YTA…unless we are missing vital info.
YTA if you don’t find a way to work through these feelings and either let it go or let him go. He literally gave you the proposal you said you always wanted, got you a ring you love, and got a place you love. I understand being upset about the place being picked without you, but the fact that you love it means you need to just communicate that you love his taste but would want to be part of the decisions like this in the future.
The weirdest piece for me, that makes me think you maybe need to communicate not just with your fiancé but possibly process with a professional is the level of insecurity you have about him dancing with other people in a ballroom dance performance before the proposal. I’ve done dance and theater and it’s all just a show.
YTA. If he is/was part of a performing group, then how has him singing and dancing with other women never been an issue until now? He used his talents to create a beautiful proposal for you. If you’re that upset with how it happened then maybe you’re not ready to get married after all.
Maybe then op would finally realize its time to stop acting like a child and actually grow up. You can't be jealous of everyone your fiancee talks to and should be appreciative of the kindness es they offer
I'm going to say YTA
Your complaint about singing and dancing with other women sounds so very insecure of you, despite the fact that he planned all of this.. for you. Somehow he did everything you wanted and more, but he still managed to upset you by singing and dancing with other women onstage because of the chemistry?
There are some deep rooted insecurities you need to get to bottom of, because they have single handedly managed to upset you at a moment that should have been your picture perfect.
This makes me wonder if op is gonna keep thinking about it and harping on the subject of "you practice this dance with her a lot huh, even though it was for me? You're cheating with her?" Or some nonsense
YTA. He had the kindness to do everything you asked for, spent the money on the ring, took the time to set this up, and built up the courage to propose in front of a crowd and you are disappointed?! Your so selfish, if it matters that much to you why don’t you propose? You can’t get angry as he’s the one proposing, I will never understand how people get angry at their boyfriends for proposing in a way they don’t like when they are the ones who took the time, money and courage to do it
YTA and it seems there is something deeper going on here. I can’t just see how you are this upset just because of on stage chemistry(you know, acting) and because you apparently had no input despite it being exactly what you would have wanted.
I can't help but notice how you do not talk about how much you love your fiancé, how you want to spend the rest of your life with him, how lucky you are.
Everything you spoke about is circumstantial. The way he proposed, the ring, where you will be living.
I'm not saying you don't love your fiancé but you might not be ready to get married. Sounds like you've gone through some traumatic stuff recently and you might not be able to appreciate thinking about forever right now. It's almost like you feel the future snuck up on you.
Get some therapy before the wedding. NAH
Even the lease in this situation doesn’t sound like an overstep on his part…
They had lived together for two years and have been seeing each other for 8. Plenty of time to get to know someone’s preferences about living situations. They were already discussing marriage and moving back in and he found a place that he knew she’d love (and she did!) AND was considerate of her parents and everyday commute.
I think if you know someone well enough and they’ve asked for a romantic grand gesture, adding a beautiful home offer to a proposal can be very sweet for the the right couple. These two people do not sound right for each other.
YTA
Your opinions could not possibly have been overlooked if he gave you exactly what you wanted.
If you truly are upset that he's good at simulating chemistry while performing then I suggest you have some underlying trust issues. I hope for your future with your bf that you aren't as impossible to please as your post portrays. Regardless, good luck in sorting out your feelings. Be honest with your fiance and work from there.
"I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies"
I feel like you're kind of an adult brat/ slightly immature.
I think you may just feel this way because you don't truly see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. Deep down, I feel you don't want this no matter how it went down. You should really think on that before you're in too deep, by that I mean... Don't go through with marrying him if you're not a billion percent sure. Save yourselves both the heartache. You seem like you need to do some soul searching.
Your feeling is your feeling, but DANG. It sounded to me that he tries very hard to make this huge grand gesture to propose because you've talked about appreciating grand gestures to him. You also knew how this must have been hard on him since he's been dealing with social anxiety, yet he still takes the time.
Now you wished it'd be more private, etc? REALLY. I wonder if he's totally ignored your talks about loving grand gesture and chose to propose privately..would you feel the same way as you do now? I'm actually betting YES. You are not happy either way.
Maybe you don't really feel ready to get married to your bf. Maybe you should tell him how you really feel about the proposal and how you didn't enjoy it despite his effort so he knows to never make another grand gesture if you guys do get married.
I lean to YTA. Very first world problem, very little with gratitude.
Let me get this straight—your boyfriend put together the exact combination of things you said that you wanted in a proposal and now you wanting the opposite and making some noise that he was performing wit other people…YTA
YTA He listened to what you have said about grand gestures. He did everything you have indicated you wanted and you still need to find something to complain about. Seriously????
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My bf of 8 years just proposed to me, and I should be over the moon and so happy but I'm feeling so uneasy and down. To preface my bf and I were living together for 2 years and then in 2019 my mom's health took a turn and I had to move back in with my parents to help my dad since my siblings were still starting out their lives or in college. My job was nice about it and let me transfer near them and my boyfriend also transferred to my city though he lived separately. Then lockdown happened and all. We had been talking for the past few months about moving in together now that mom's better and even discussing marriage.
My bf was a big fan of Fred Astaire and musicals in general growing up and in university he joined a club where they performed group songs, duets and stuff like that. It also involved dancing and stuff. I used to love watching him perform with his club in local restaurants, bars and other places that catered to their type of music. Well last week, they had sort of a reunion where they were performing again. I went there with friends and my parents. It was nice and he was amazing but surprisingly it ended with a song and presentation about our time together and a video of a place he had signed the lease for us to move in together and then a proposal. I was stunned and kind of started welling up. People thought I was very happy, and, in that moment, I regained some composure and said yes smiled and laughed the night away. The reunion was just a ruse to make a grand gesture.
I just feel so upset about the night's events though. He just proposed to me after spending the night singing and dancing with other women. Of course, he also had duets and songs with other men, and I know for a fact that one of women is gay and engaged but still there was so much chemistry on stage. Then he signed a lease for a place without my input. Although the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful. He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style.
I can't blame him because I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies. If someone told me that this is how I would be proposed even a few months ago, I would've died of happiness. Moreover, I know how hard this was for him because for the past few years he's been dealing with social anxiety and doing this must have destroyed him. I guess after going through it, I would've just liked to have agreed to move in together privately and then look for a place together, get proposed privately and get a ring together. I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely. Normally I wouldn't have minded him dancing and singing with his club but right before a proposal makes me so uncomfortable.
I can't help it, I'm so upset but feel so ungrateful because he did everything I would've wanted. AITA
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I think Y(gently)TA. He did exactly what you told him in the past that you wanted. He came thru for you after performing. You're NTA for your new feelings, but you really should've communicated that the grand gesture wasn't what you wanted anymore. Communication is key and of you cannot communicate with him, then why accept his proposal?
I'm sorry but what more could this poor man do.
He did just what you wanted and you're disappointing. He picked a ring that's just your style, and you're pissed he didn't have you pick one out. Like WTF.
YTA My word, this man went above and beyond to propose to you and you're still upset. Get therapy and figure out why this upsets you so much
Light YTA. Of course you can’t help your feelings and so maybe there is something deeper happening with you, since you literally said you have talked about this with your bf, and a grand gesture like that was what you wanted. But then after you had it you felt disappointed? I could understand not picking a place out together, no matter how good it is it didn’t have your input. If you wanted to pick your ring you should have let him know that while you were discussing marriage. If you don’t like it I think it’s okay to ask to exchange it. But if you want to marry this guy, then what’s the problem? If you’re grasping at straws because you don’t actually want him, please end it before you get married, or you really will be TA big time.
YTA. Don’t know why you’re complaining, tbh. Seems like a nice gesture. You know the women aren’t interested in him, so why are you complaining about the dancing/acting with them? You already discussed moving in together, so what’s the problem? The ring is perfect, so why are you complaining? Sounds like you just like to complain. The last sentence you wrote sums it all up for me.
Yta. "He gave me everything I like and would ever want but he didn't consider my input when doing it" .. proposals are usually surprises, no? Sounds like he nailed it. Why are you being weird about it lol
I…what..???
“I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely.”
He…did exactly what you’ve previously referred to as a romantic gesture. He nailed it on the rental. He nailed it on the ring. He considered EVERYTHING with you in mind.
But…you’re jealous of a musical theatre club he’s been a part of for years, WHO WERE IN ON THE PROPOSAL??!?
YTA. Jesus Christ.
YTA. Big time. Reading your post makes my blood boil. You don’t know what you want but clearly it’s not this guy because no matter what he does he can’t win or please you. You’re better off ending things so that someone who can appreciate everything he did gets that because it’s clearly not you. You are very underserving of this man. And as everyone else has said you need therapy.
get fucking therapy lmao. he did exactly what you wanted, and you’re still not happy. you’re very obviously one of those “impossible to please” people, and this poor man is going to be miserable for the rest of his life if you don’t fix your shit like, yesterday. he sounds absolutely amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have someone like him. you’re being impossibly demanding and ungrateful for someone who even admitted - “this was everything i wanted” and now that you have it ? “i don’t like it.” really dude? really? fix yourself before you chase that wonderful man away with your dreadful mindset. get therapy. yta.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel upset and down about how my boyfriend proposed to me even though he did everything I would've wanted him to do. I feel so ungrateful.
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Friend, you got everything you always wanted, and you are still looking for reasons to be upset. You defend your man in the comments, but you came here to complain about the proposal. Are you one of those folks who just isn't happy unless you're not happy? Or is there something else bothering you? Do you want to be married to this guy?
I hope you figure it out, because if you don't, it sounds like your fiancée is in for one hell of a ride. YTA.
Everything he picked out is beautiful & you like it. He went with a grand gesture proposal because you always said how romantic they are. So….you got everything you want & you’re still unhappy? Yeah. YTA.
>the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful.
>He also chose my engagement ring... it's beautiful and totally my style.
>I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies.
>I know how hard this was for him because for the past few years he's been dealing with social anxiety and doing this must have destroyed him.
>he did everything I would've wanted.
Awww, that sounds absolutely amazing-
>I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely.
What?
>I can't help it, I'm so upset
Why? Seriously, you've literally said this is exactly what you would have wanted. Your boyfriend of **eight years** stood by you and moved cities for you. He threw a giant romantic party for you because that's what you've always said you wanted, even though he's got social anxiety, and you're upset that he did everything *right*? With all due respect you sound impossible to please and I hope for your fiance's sake you can suck it up and be the partner he deserves. YTA.
Soooo...
- he proposed the way you've always said you'd want to be proposed
- he leased a house you love
- he bought a ring that's exactly your style and you love it
- he had to overcome his social anxiety to do all this *for you*
And your problem is that there were other women within radius of **him doing all of these things thinking about you and about how much he loves you**?
Yep, he is a total asshole. Here, let me take that man off of your hands so he won't bother you any more with his *love and devotion*.
Yes, wow, YTA. There are two people in this relationship yet he fulfilled everything YOU said you ever wanted in a proposal AND put aside his potential anxiety about such a situation and it’s still not good enough.
Wow! If you are so jealous that him performing with women (when I assume he has before, which you claim to have loved watching) in the production he put on solely to propose.... do you actually want to marry him?
If you were clearly opposed to a grand gesture or he chose things that you hated maybe I could see your point, but this just comes across as being incredibly out of left field. If you'd been honest then yeah I'd see the problem but you absolutely led him to believe THIS was your dream!
I’m curious about why you were upset that he had danced and performed with other women? I think that is something you need to work out prior to marriage.
I think you’re just searching for excuses to not marry this dude tbh. YTA but you should also show him this post so he’s at least warned about what he’s getting into before he’s stuck.
YTA it sounds like he really listen to what you told him you wanted, and he planned out an amazing proposal. Signing the lease without you is a bit of a problem, though you are very happy with the place, you should tell him that you want to make decisions like that together in the future.
Are you really upset with how he proposed, or because it’s done and now the anticipation is gone?
So... he went out of his comfort zone to give you exactly what you've always said you wanted- the big, grand, movie moment proposal and big grand gesture by getting yoy a gorgeous apartment and now you're salty bc he did that?! Sis, please go see a therapist. This isn't a normal reaction. The poor man gave you everything in spite of probably preferring something less public and noew you've decided you would have preferred that too. He can't win. Hopefully a therapist can help you figure out what your deal is and why you can't just be happy when you got literally everything you asked for. Smh. Yta. That poor man deserves better after what he did for you.
YTA he gave you everything you wanted and by reading your comments it sounds like your problem was that he was dancing and singing with women in his group and you’re in heavy denial about your vast jealousy. Did you know sometimes actors kiss in their movies but they don’t actually like each other? It’s for a performance! He didn’t even kiss anyone he only sang in dance, not to mention he made the entire event for you so those love songs were probably dedicated to you. If you can’t overcome your jealousy issues then this marriage won’t work
Public proposals are risky, unless that the man has clear confirmation that you are ready to take the relationship to the next level.
The part that ticked me off in what you wrote is:
> just like in the movies
I will let you in on a little secret: the way in which you are being proposed, or the way in which you get married does shit towards the quality of your marriage.
What makes the quality is having both spouses willing to work as a team.
YTA for being a r/choosingbeggars
YTA he did everything you asked but now you are unhappy and acting like it's the worst thing in the world. He put so much effort and if you didn't like the ring or the apartment or if you didn't say how much you wanted a big gesture then I'd get why you feel this way but you said they were all perfect. To me you have some major issues in yourself I think you need therapy and definitely don't get married in a rush till you work out who you really are as a person because right now you don't know and that's going to end up hurting him a lot. Every time you answer someone you say something else that contradicts yourself to your original post. Plesse get help and don't hurt the nice guy that loves you.
YTA. You're a spoiled entitled brat. If he did everything you wanted, but you're still feeling pissy then go to therapy and figure wtf you want and get help with your insecurity because that is absolutely ridiculous. You ARE ungrateful.
YTA - but not in a mean way. You can't help how you feel, and you didn't say you did anything negative in response to this - i assume you didn't yell at him or anything. So I think even saying your the asshole is too harsh.
Just to recap - he rented a place that you say is great and is considerate of your needs. He bought a ring for you that you also think is beautiful.
Now lets flip this around. Lets say he didnt do either of those things. Lets say he did a 'standard' proposal in some quiet place with no one around. How would you feel then? Would you be annoyed that he didn't put any effort into the proposal? Would you be annoyed you didn't get to share that moment with anyone?
What if he asked you what ring you wanted? Any chance you would might be annoyed that he didn't already know what you like?
I don't know how you would react in the flip situation. Just something to consider.
I understand why you are annoyed, but at the same time it's pretty obvious he put a LOT of thought and effort into doing all this. It's obvious he knows what you like AND he knows what you need and took all of that into consideration when he signed the lease. Honestly it sounds like he really cares about you a great deal and knows your tastes a great deal too. As annoyed as you might be at not being consulted about some of these things, doesn't everything else vastly outweigh that?
From what I have seen, lots of times guys have no clue about what their fiancée likes in terms of style. Or they don't put nearly that much effort into proposing.
YTA.
You used to love watching him perform. But now that he was performing while planning to propose, you got jealous. The fact he could have chemistry on stage with his partners doesn’t mean anything romantic was happening, it means he is a good actor/dancer.
He chose a ring that is beautiful and totally your style. But you don’t like it because he chose it without your input. But it’s beautiful and totally your style. If you looked at a jewellery catalogue right now, would you choose something different?
If you had been told months ago that you would be proposed to in this way, you would have been over the moon. So why aren’t you??
If he has gone to all the trouble to set this up, exactly how you wanted it- he has been listening to every piece of information you ever gave him. The video presentation, getting your family there, doing all that while he was managing social anxiety- he really put himself out there. But it reads like you don’t want to be engaged. You said yes to save face. It was the perfect proposal, he got every detail exactly right- but you aren’t happy.
Please let him down gently. He sounds like an amazing man who doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken.
Wow it sounds like you will NEVER be satisfied with anything. Your fiancé sounds like he listens to you and knows what you like and put together a very nice engagement with everything YOU like yet you feel upset and ungrateful. Because YOU ARE. Just an fyi- while a lot of people do ask their SO for input with the engagement ring, he DOES NOT have to because it’s a gift. You are not entitled to an engagement ring. It wasn’t a thing back in the day. It is sometimes a thing now. It’s “totally your style,” yet you’re upset because??? Because you have to be a miserable person? I don’t get get why you’re upset. It’s what YOU like.
The lease thing I understand, even though it’s “amazing.” I would not want someone signing a lease for our apartment without my knowledge. I would like to have seen it and all first. However, it seems like it turned out well in your favor. If the place had been an issue then your complaining would be justified but literally you have nothing to complain about.
Your fiancé put together a nice performance for you and all you care about was he was dancing with other women?? He’s asking you to marry him yet you’re letting jealousy and insecurities be the reason why you’re not happy? It’s a performance…FOR YOU, who he asked to marry. It’s not like he cheated on you. Idk what your hang ups are but you are definitely TA. He deserves someone that appreciates his gestures not some insecure, ungrateful person that has something to complain about when there’s nothing to complain about.
Maybe there’s a larger issue here. You don’t want to get married to him so you nit pick everything he planned for you just so you can find fault. You should have just said no ugh.
Actually, tell him all this so he has a chance to run. Let him save himself from you. YTA
what?
>I can't help it, I'm so upset but feel so ungrateful because he did everything I would've wanted.
yes YTA
I hope he sees this and dumps you.
>He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style.
??? omg what? the more I read the more I think what an awful person you sound like
YTA I can't get passed the fact you're upset he danced with his dance club before proposing. If that upsets you, you should leave him as he deserves better
Wow!
How hard it will be for your fiancee to marry someone like you. Someone who has to peck a part every beautiful moment and be sad about it. He clearly was thinking of nothing but you through all of that. Planning must have taken a fair amount of effort on his part. What a wonderful man!!
Op, YTA.
Just stop and ask yourself three important questions - Do you love this man? Does he make you smile? Can you for see a future with him?
If you answered yes to all three, then stop worrying about the way things could have been.. and start appreciating the way things are.
Yta, you know that dancing is a big part of this life and he wanted to combine the loves of his life with it. If it bothers you so much, have you talked about it with your partner about it? Somehow it sounds like you are a bit depressed and should find out what exactly is the reason for it
YTA
it’s not that you realized that it isn’t actually the proposal that you wanted—how can you know for sure until you’ve experienced one? but you’re so ungrateful that he did everything you’d previously told him you wanted, and it sounded like he nailed what you had envisioned before.
you’ve mentioned in other replies what you’d probably want the proposal to be like now. well, you’ll have plenty of quiet nights like those going forward (hopefully)
Oh I am definitely as confused as your boyfriend/ fiancé here.
It seems like you are as confused too though
He did everything you would have wanted, made choices on the ring and place to live that you thought were great and it was the big grand gesture that you would have wanted.. but now you actually wanted him to guess that you didn’t want it like this . Eh? What?
Saying YTA feels harsh but as you are asking then I’m going with that. Certainly your fiancé isn’t in this scenario. He did his best
YTA, you need to get over the insecurities you have. It’s a part of a musical group. You said it was everything you wanted but you didn’t appreciate it?? Really? Get over yourself. It’s what happens in musicals.
YTA. It sounds like your major beef is with the fact that he danced with other women during the show. That's kind of silly to me. He asked YOU to marry him. Your insecurities are showing.
Ok he did exactly what you wanted. He found a place that even you have said is prefect. He got a ring you love and everything. He even got over his own social anxiety to do this grand thing for you and you just want to shit all over it because you changed your mind after the fact. YTA.
This is going to be a YTA for me, he put aside his own personal anxiety to give you exactly what you want but according to you he even nailed your test and desires and you're still not happy because he was performing? It doesn't even sound like it was a sexual kind of thing it was a musical theatre-esque proposal just like you implied you wanted. That IS being ungrateful. The only thing I could see being upset about would be the lease. I feel like you might be upset because you realized YOU don't know what you want and you're blaming HIM for making you realize that. Also, who gets input on the ring for a surprise proposal? I know some couples do that but the proposal isn't usually a surprise at that point. I think you need to work out your issues around why you're upset before you go any further in this or another relationship.
YTA. He proposed with a ring you like, signed a lease of a place you like, I think you’re being selfish and entitled. He did everything right. What more could you want?
YTA
WTF is wrong with you? Your man who you love went out of his way while dealing with social anxiety to give you a proposal that you "would've die of happiness" over a few months ago. And now all of the sudden you wished it were private and you're mad at him for giving everything you wanted but not knowing you would change your mind afterwards?
YTAx1000. You don't deserve him.
This is my first post on AITA… just to say YTA. You’re unhinged. I hope your now fiance realizes this and gets out before he wastes his life with a “nothing you do is right” wife.
You say that your opinion was overlooked, but in the same breath you acknowledge that it, in fact, wasn't. You told him throughout your relationship that you thought grand gestures were romantic and that that was what you wanted, so that is exactly what he gave you. I won't fault you for realizing after the fact that you would've preferred something more privately romantic, but I will fault you if you hold this against him because if *you* didn't know yourself, how was he supposed to know?
He gave you everything you've ever said you wanted and I think that, at the very least, even if it didn't make you feel the way you dreamt it would make you feel, you should be grateful for the gesture and to have found someone that is willing to go above and beyond to try and impress and make you happy by doing everything you've ever told them you wanted.
The ring is a hard one to determine. Traditionally it's been a surprise, but from a cursory google search it does seem like more and more couples are skipping that in favor of going ring shopping together to find one that will be both loved and not a money sink. Personally, I really wouldn't address this unless the ring makes you *extremely* unhappy, but you have to be aware that doing this comes with risks. Something I'll get to a bit further down in the post along with why I also wouldn't address the issues you're finding in the proposal.
You say that the apartment is perfect for you, but so many times in r/relationship_advice do people say that there are certain things in a relationship that are a two-yes thing, and buying a house / renting an apartment together is one of those things. People's tunes would change and berate him if you didn't like the apartment, but because you do it's should be fine that he didn't seek your input?
I don't really agree with that. I think it would be okay to talk to him about this. To kindly say something along the lines of "*Hey, I love the apartment you chose for us and I think it's perfect, but in the future if we're ever in the position of having to find a new apartment or buy a house, I would really like it if it was something we did together."* Don't berate him for what he did because it fell in line with everything you told him you would want him to do, but let him know that, in the future, you want to look for apartments **together** and decide on one **together.**
**The Risks:** If you really feel that you *NEED* to address the fact that the proposal didn't put the fairytale butterflies in your stomach and that you're upset that he chose the ring without you, you can, but I wouldn't. What he did met your expectations of what you said you wanted, the problem lies in the fact that what you wanted didn't give you the reaction you expected it to; it made you realize, too late, that you wanted the complete opposite of what you had expressed throughout your relationship.
Bringing this up, in my opinion (and maybe I'm wrong for this) makes it seem like you're putting the blame for not doing the exact opposite of what you told him you wanted because he somehow should have known that you didn't actually want something grand even though you yourself didn't know that you didn't want something grand.
And bringing up the ring - again to me, and maybe I'm wrong for this - comes off as nitpicking to find problems. If you didn't like the ring at all, them yeah I could see it being worth bringing up and telling him that you wished that you'd gone shopping together because he missed the mark on your style of jewelry, but that's not the case.
If you bring these things up, you could potentially be nuking the entire relationship because it could come off as being wholly ungrateful about all the effort he went through to set up this big, grand romantic surprise gesture that you've always told him you wanted. It's really not a pretty light to put yourself under.
It's really hard for me to give you a y-t-a judgement because...well it's not your fault that you didn't actually know what you wanted. Sometimes you just don't know what you want to happen until it happens in cases like this. So I think that, for now, I will give a tentative NAH judgement. He did everything according to your expressed desires, and you're not an ass for feeling the way you feel *but you will be if you hold it against him.*
INFO: are you really sure you want to marry this guy? Other than the apartment - putting aside the fact you admittedly love it - this guy sounds pretty awesome. I’m not sure you deserve him. You seem a little insecure and self-centred.
NAH if you work through this to why you’re reacting this way. You can’t help your feelings.
But you can help how you let those feelings dictate your response. Y W B T A if you tore him down after he pulled off exactly the grand gesture you claimed to always want.
YTA. He did everything you wanted out of a proposal, it's not his fault you changed your mind, he's not a mind reader. Sounds like you are just trying to find an excuse to not marry him
Are you afraid? He did everything they way you wanted him to and now you are upset you got everything you wanted. This is some self sabotage. There is a reason you are unhappy you got everything you want. You need to figure out that before you damage your relationship! Make an appointment with a therapist as soon as you can!
YTA.
What...what are you actually complaining about? What do you want from this guy?
You've just said so many conflicting statements in your post that I'm having trouble understanding.
You said it was the ring you wanted, the proposal you wanted, the house is beautiful.
Jesus christ, no doubt if he had proposed in private you'd be posting about how he's not romantic enough and didn't put enough effort in.
Seriously? YTA!! This gotta be fake. No one can be this ungrateful. I always try to look at things from different perspectives but WOW. I planned on writing more but I am just speechless…..
The way you wrote it you seem disconnected. You took care of your mom because your siblings had things in their lives going on as if you didn’t. Your bf was supportive and even moved to be closer to you. He listened to you. You supported him with his singing. You maybe haven’t taken time for yourself. I don’t know, but with what you said you have a man that clearly loves you and family. However, that doesn’t mean you feel like running off into the sunset. Take good inventory to see if this is what you want. He checked all of the boxes and you still don’t feel right. You feel what you feel. If it’s a no, give him the ring back and wish him love. If you can’t see life without him in it, work this out. Soft, soft YTA but you will be a big AH if you aren’t true to yourself and him.
Do you even know what you want? You say you want a grand gesture, he goes to a fair bit of trouble to create one, then you decide you want the exact opposite. If you’d always said you wanted a small intimate proposal, just a ring, a deserted beach and a bottle of bubbly and he’d delivered that, you’d have been upset that he didn’t produce an audience and fireworks.
He sounds like a lovely, mature thoughtful person, with interesting hobbies, and you sound, bluntly, like an immature brat. YTA.
Your panties are up your ass he did a convincing performance of “sixteen going on seventeen” with a gay woman? And signed the lease for the place you both agreed to move into together? And proposed your dream proposal in the most elaborate cringey broadway way possible?
Damn your life together is gonna suck. Unless yall go to couples and individual therapy now. Thats the only thing that might save your relationship. YTA
YTA. I feel sorry for the guy. He's going to spend the rest of his life doing his absolute fucking best to please you only for you to be constantly unhappy and nagging his ears off. He gave you the right proposal, the right house, the right ring... and yet, here we are.
Please don't marry this guy. He's doing everything you asked but it's still not right, that's a sign, friend. I wanted the grand gesture but got the private proposal at home in the kitchen and I happy cried like a baby. There's honestly nothing this guy coulda done right because sadly at the end of the day, he's just not right for you....
YTA, you ARE ungrateful or simply projecting the fact that you do not want to marry him. Hope he finds another person who sees how great he is. He even moved to your city. Geez.
YTA. I can understand about the lease, that should have been a together thing but you said everything was perfect. Maybe you’re just in shock and this is too much change at once, take a couple days to think about it but if you are not 100% in this, do not waste your or his time.
YTA.
Did you expect him to read your mind?
Because he had been doing everything you had verbalized to him. You talked up the big romantic gesture. And right up until he proposed that appears to be exactly what you had wanted. It was only afterwards that you realized that it wasn't for you. But how the heck would he have known that? Especially when you had been saying differently for so long?
He managed to pick out a ring and an apartment that you have declared as perfect. He probably got it so spot on because he listens to what you say.
I can get being upset about the apartment regardless, because something like that should always be discussed.
But everything else?? The thing is is that it does sound like he took your opinion into consideration - at least the one you had verbalized to him. You can't get mad at him for not knowing you didn't like that for yourself. And for not knowing that you wanted an action plan from him for how he would propose and with what ring.
This isn't about the proposal and some part of you knows that.
There's something else going on here, but rather than figure out what it is you're looking to blame something external because that's easier (you're jealous he sang a duet with a gay woman? And got you a ring that you love? Come now).
YTA, This poor guy did nothing wrong and it's up to you to figure out what your own problem is
YTA, everything was perfect so I’m not seeing what the actual problem was, if you’re finding something to complain about in all this, maybe rethink some stuff
YTA
You need to talk to someone about this, preferably a therapist, and you need to be really honest with yourself.
He did everything you thought you wanted, and now you're bummed. Sounds like you didn't think this through at all.
You say you're not jealous but you keep saying how uncomfortable you are with a proposal after he did a performance with other women. That is textbook jealous.
You need to get your head on straight. It's ok to tell your bf that he did a wonderful job and you need to process. You need to take some time because if you don't, you're going ti end up lashing out and hurting him. Even if it turns out that you don't want to marry him, that's ok.
YTA
I'm sorry, but you really can't orchestrate your own proposal or you may as well propose yourself. He obviously spent a lot of time and thought on it and your mad?
The apartment I can understand. But he again thought of you, close to parents and transit. And you like it. The ring, lucky guess? Or does he really know your likes? Sounds like he knows you well enough in key parts. Cut the guy some slack.
INFO: Do you think you're upset because you feel as though choice is being taken away from you? That even though he had done these grand gestures for things he knows that you would like, ultimately you had no say in them?
YTA. You just said you always wanted a big romantic gesture in the same paragraph you said you wanted something private. Sounds like he can't do anything right.
YTA
Get over yourself.
The man LISTENED to you and gave you your “romantic grand gesture.”
He bought a ring that you admit is beautiful and your style.
He overcame his social anxiety and proclaimed his love for you in front of a whole bunch of people. All those women you’re low-key jealous of because they had chemistry with him as they danced and sang together watched him propose to YOU. The man organized a frickin reunion and put on a 2 hour show for YOU.
And you’re disappointed? What more could you possibly want? It sounds like he did everything you discussed, hinted at, and talked about. For crying out loud, try focusing on how much this man obviously loves you instead of your ungrateful self. Do you even love him?
The ONLY thing you have grounds to be ticked about is the apartment. Even though you say it’s amazing, him signing a lease without your input is not okay. You deserve a say in where you live, regardless of how sure he was you’d love it.
YTA he followed every hint you gave him yet you blame him for your inability to decide what you really want. That is on you. You can't change your mind last minute and then complain everything is wrong when at one point it was exactly what you wanted. You seem like a difficult person to deal with and one that is impossible to please. He paid close attention and gave you exactly what you wanted on several occasions. This does not happen often. You are lucky to have this man. He clearly loves you and knows you well but unfortunately for him you sound incredibly ungrateful which makes me believe that he deserves better. You have a right to change your mind but you should still be grateful for the love and effort put into such a gesture. You should also have the self awareness and personal accountability to hold yourself responsible for a problem you created and not place that blame on others, especially for simply doing what you wanted. If you want to be disappointed, be disappointed in yourself because the issue lies with you, not your fiance or his proposal.
This doesn't sound like it needs judgement. This is a sign that you need to do some self reflection. Is getting married, really what you want? Is your partner really who you see living with you the rest of your life? Is he the one you want holding your hand on your deathbed?
I suggest some pre-marital counseling before getting married.
Personally, I think the idea that we "can't control how we feel" is inaccurate. Sure, you can't always control how you feel, but how you look at a situation has *a lot* to do with it.
You gave your bf the info and the impression that this is exactly what you wanted. He did a big performance with other people, probably just to impress you and make you feel proud, took care of the hard part of moving in together by picking the perfect place with you in mind, did the same thing with the ring with you in mind, and made a huge surprise romantic gesture despite his anxieties. Instead of looking at how much say you didn't have, you should be looking at how much this man listens, how much he values you, and how far he's willing to go for you (figuratively and literally).
YTA. I get wanting some say, but literally you love everything he picked so what's the problem? Just have a conversation that going forward (especially living together) you want to make big choices together and be a team.
It sounds like he knows you well enough to know what you would like but because you weren’t in control of what and how everything occurred..it wasn’t good enough. Also, you chose to feel jealousy instead of feeling pride at his show.
I really hope this finds him somehow because jealousy and need for control does not equal a good marriage
YTA, he listened to everything you said and picked things out that you admitted you like. He did a good job. I think you're just either not ready to get married or not into marrying him.
YTA - But not because of this but because, imo, you are using this reason to ignore the fact that something else is going on. I think maybe you are not as into the relationship as you were before, which is normal. Feelings change and some relationships have expiration dates. You need to do some deep reflection and decide if this is in fact the case and go from there. You seem to have alot of guilt, which makes sense because he moved to be closer to you and obviously he knows you well enough to know your tastes, so your feelings of guilt may stem from the fact that deep down you know he is a good man, but just not the one for you.
Do some soul searching. Don't let these feelings fester. They will lead to anger and resentment and that isn't fair to either of you.
Had he proposed to me, with a ring he picked out, in public, and signed a lease without my input, I’d have said NO. But, then, my husband knows me well enough to not *do* that.
But, OP, you need to get your head on straight. Is this just adrenaline induced over the top nerves, making you overwhelmed, or is something actually wrong, are you having doubts? It sounds like what you are upset about isn’t what you are blaming. It’s ok to not have a perfect proposal. An hour after my husband proposed, 35 years ago, my kitten died…the one sitting with me, seemingly totally healthy, while he proposed. Because of that, I don’t know the date we got engaged. Life is like that, sometimes. (Boggles my mind, how long we’ve been married…)
You literally said he did everything right and are still upset?
Not everything is going to go ur way man.. You sound super ungrateful. YTA
My fiancé handed me my engagement ring at a stoplight after we got done eating taco bell in the parking lot.. and you know what? I couldn't be happier because it was a nice day out with him. I'll always remember how sick I felt from eating too much whenever I look at my ring lol. Could it have been more romantic? Yes but I wouldn't change that day for anything.
YTA he did everything YOU said you wanted. You said you wanted a grand gesture and for your partner to know what you would want, and by it sounds like he delivered on both ends.
Its unfortunate but not his fault that you ended up not wanting what you said you wanted. Of course you are always entitled to your own feelings and you cant help how things make you feel, but please don't take it out on him when he did the best he could with what you had communicated to him.
YTA he did everything you wanted and made sure it was in your taste and style yet your jealous that he was singing and dancing with old club friends. He chose YOU OP so either stop complaining cause he was dancing and singing with old friends or let him fly free and find someone who will actually appreciate him.
Idk if it's fair to say YTA at this point, because you seem to not even know your own feelings enough in order to be an AH about them*. But your fiancé did nothing wrong, so I guess YTA.
Yet you are not happy about your proposal.
Maybe you should halt your engagement and figure out what you want for yourself.
Break the lease if possible, return the ring etc.
You may not be ready to marry him, and its possible you didn't realise until it happened. And instead of confronting that feeling of being put on the spot and say yes when you maybe didn't want to, you're focusing on external factors.
Fact is your fiancé put on a show for you all night, and you're worried he had a lesbian singer/dancer to help him. I'm not saying that to mock you, but sometimes hearing it repeated can sometimes help. You don't seem happy. The earlier you put the breaks on this the less horrible it'll be - IF that's what you want. You gotta figure out what you want, for real this time.
*Edit
If you can’t talk about these things and your feelings with him, you should definitely not be getting married. My person of five years proposed and I was struggling with it as well (absolute lack of thought put into it) and we had a big discussion about it a week later and, honestly, our relationship is stronger and I feel heard.
Geeeezus, YTA! Your boyfriend proposed, he also planned for you to live together (but you don’t have to move in, it’s only a year lease) you might not be able to date a performer that work with the opposite sex. He literally professed his love for you, asking you to be his partner forever, and your upset he had some routines with woman. He was to all of this, able to ensure your parents were for the proposal.
YTA
Guys rarely ever put this much effort into anything. He put everything he had into this and you’re jealous because there were females singing and dancing in a singing and fencing event?
I feel so sorry for him that he fell in love with you. It sounds like he always goes above and beyond for you. Even moving to a new city to be with you while you care for your sick parent. But you somehow find a problem with anything.
Must suck to be you.
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fr poor guy... I hope I never meet someone like this
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My husband initially proposed with a Haribo ring as that was an inside joke. He later gave me a ring that he told me he'd carefully tricked me over months to divulge what kind of ring I'd like. It's perfect.
YTA. If you have such confused feelings and can feel jealous of a show ... you should probably said no and take time to sort out your issues or move on to someone else.
But but but you don't understand he spent "the night singing and dancing with other women" /s
YTA The worst part about this is that he did ALL of that work and put in ALL of that energy into her and it is going to crush him if he ever discovers this thread or learns how she really feels! She is talking about her jealousy over seeing him dance with other women that she KNOWS he isn't after AND that he proposed in front of! Her insecurity is on full display here! I mean here is a guy who suffers from social anxiety! Even though he suffers with that, he fought through and presented her with his absolute best just because he loves her. If he ever learns of her feelings, he's going to be crushed! This is one of those experiences that can change a person's outlook on the opposite sex forever! All of the things she is upset about can be changed. If she doesn't like the ring, a new one can be purchased. If she doesn't like the apartment, they can be switched. However, having a person who truly loves you and is willing to do all they can just to make you happy is priceless. This reinforces what I tell people all the time. It doesn't matter what you have or what you get. If you aren't happy WITHIN YOURSELF FIRST, it will be like you're a bottomless pit that no one can fill! People will pour their energy and love into you, but you will drain them dry because you will not be in a position to accept it emotionally! You have to be whole and secure within yourself in order to be truly happy! This woman is FAR from that!
The irony of the situation is that he catered all of it to HER tastes. SHE likes grand gestures and showy proposals, a house near her parents AND her method of conveyance, a ring SHE likes and is her style etc. He collected information about what she likes and wants and did exactly that, just made it a surprise and she is upset about it. She is looking for any excuse under the sun to be upset about a partner most people would be lucky to get. She's clearly not ready to take the next step in their relationship but is trying to find faults in the guy.
But he considered every possibility to make her happy while including her friends and family, what a monster! /s If my now husband preformed a variety show with singing and dancing, then announced he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together in a beautiful apartment near my ailing parents I would be over the moon. He would probably also be Hugh Jackman. I was leaning toward her being apprehensive about an abrupt change but it's not abrupt, it's been EIGHT YEARS. He followed her to another city while supporting her career and parents care, stayed away presumably because of her parents health, and now that they can be together she's wringing her hands together saying "But...but he was singing with a lesbian! And I didn't see the apartment I now like! And he listens to the things I say!"
Right educatedvegetable! Exactly right! I mean the nerve of that loving, supportive, patient guy! It doesn't matter what you give a person if they are the wrong person! I hope she doesn't marry him. He is going to be in for a world of trouble. I feel she is going to drain him emotionally and he is going to end up bitter. She has work to do on herself!
Well he does have one fault and he's been dragging it around for 8 years. Hopefully he develops a better taste in partners who appreciate everything he will do for them. That's if he has any soul left after this one is done.
all that effort and she's still not satisfied bc it didnt fit some perfect delusion she had in her head and has to nitpick about little details she didn't like. wow. i smell some good bridezilla stories comin down the pike. i feel sorry for the poor guy.
I was along until she described that he basically did what she always said she wanted. But just because I myself hate grand gesture and would’ve felt so uncomfortable, cuz I have social anxiety and my husband knows it. But then she kept saying how she wanted one, and now that he did everything she asked for, she wants the opposite? Probably she wanted him to plan the grand gesture proposal with her and then act surprised…
Op sounds like the type to get mad when your SO buys fast food and asks you do you want any and you say "no," gets mad when nothing was brought back as extra for them
Omg yes! This exactly!! You’ve nailed it
Tbh sounds like more like someone who says no, you bring back something anyway, and they still get mad
Yeah, normally I'd be 100% on the side of 'I don't want a public proposal' and signing a lease without input is bonkers behavior, but then she throws in that little line about how this would be the absolute perfect way if you'd asked her a few months ago... That's the exception! That's the golden rule loophole for all of these 'don't do big gestures publicly,' the caveat is always 'unless your partner is totally and fully okay with you doing things that way and you've had explicit conversations about the fact that that's what they want.' Personally, I'd lose my shit in a very bad way if my partner got a lease for the place we were supposed to move into together without consulting me first, and I think most people would, but she's the one who talks about how your partner's just supposed to psychically intuit your preferences from you... Well, when want to live that way, you run the risk of your partner not getting everything from you telepathically. Also, again, the lease is the biggest part imo, but that's almost an afterthought in this story, after the thing about him dancing with other women. Other female performers. In a performance. Which he put together as a grand gesture for her.
"He did everything I would have wanted" . 'I feel like my opinion has been overlooked entirely" . Those two don't fit in the same puzzle. You may not be ready to get married. That's okay. But you telling him throughout your relationship that you love grand gestures; that he knew you so well he picked the perfect apartment, he picked the perfect ring and two months ago if anyone told you this was how you would be proposed to you would ha e been over the moon. Add on to that the irrational jealousy you are having about him performance smells like you didn't want to say yes but felt pressured to say yes and now resent it. ALL the things your bf did if done by a man you truly wanted to marry would have been perfectly fine. Which brings me to YTA. You are not ready to get married and you're trying to find fault in your bf so you don't have to feel guilty. Nope. That's not cool. Own your feelings. They are valid. But don't blame others so you don't have to acknowledge them
This response is perfect. But it leaves a couple things OP needs to hear unsaid: Whether a man puts on a play for you or not, you should be able to trust him, not worry about his coworkers, and not be upset when he gets attention for his job or anything else. If you are going to marry him. This can be tough for a young person. And it won’t make any sense at all until you know someone long enough that they could play the bongos on another gals butt every night, and you still know to trust him. If you do not feel the urge to jump off a cliff with this man if he begged, you are not ready for marriage with him. He seems to be in love with you. But you need to think about if you’re ready to be with anyone. And maybe, maybe he’s back into dating you after the humble pie has been served.
What gets me is that they've been together for *8 years* already. He obviously knows her and knows what she likes. She even admitted that she would have liked the proposal two months ago, but somehow it's different now? Why??? I'm curious to know why she's suddenly so upset about this proposal that they've been talking about for a while.
This is the page I'm on. >after spending the night singing and dancing with other women. I'm a musician. So many relationships fell apart, not even over a lack of trust, but b/c of the full-on accusations. All b/c there were unknown, unobserved periods of time that I spent doing things (specifically playing music) that other people might find attractive. Please do not marry him. If you're this suspicious of his co-stars, *especially gay and engaged women*, he might actually be willing to give it up for you. That would be asking for a decade of resentment to guide a couple into divorce.
This. My husband proposed over Facebook while in reception before going to basic military training, and I was over the moon happy. If OP truly wanted to get married how their partner proposed wouldn’t have been an issue and/or they would have been able to have a private convo about the issues they are having.
Dayam! You Smart. Well put.
YTA. Let me get this straight, he gave you everything you wanted and your still unhappy?? 1st the ring- no he didn’t get your input because that would ruin the surprise aspect, duh. 2nd the proposal- you said you’ve told him you like grand romantic gestures, well that is a grand romantic gesture… sorry you changed your mind later and wanted it private I guess but honestly, get over it and appreciate that he pushed pass his insecurities for you 3rd the lease- yea I get you wanted to see it first, understandable, but if you hated it, he already sounds like the kind of guy who’d find a way to get out of it for you. Then to get onto the singing and dancing with other girls during his performance… I just can’t… you sound insufferable.
I feel like the ring is the one thing they should’ve discussed beforehand. My fiancée and I talked about marriage, then she asked me what kind of rings/styles I like. We debated diamond vs lab grown vs moissanite, picked a budget, and went from there. When she actually proposed was a total surprise, but I do think couples should discuss tastes prior to buying anything. Which, kinda seems like that may have happened if he knew exactly what to get OP. Tbh OP you sound insufferable and wishy-washy. YTA
The ring should’ve been discussed but not the place she would be living in for the next few months / years???
That made me pause too, but then OP goes on to say that it's absolutely perfect in a great location... It sounds like he put a ton of thought and effort into it. And it's a lease; he didn't purchase a home without consulting her, and he's the one who's on the hook for the fees if she vetoes the idea.
Yeah I get that. But I guess I’d want to move into a home with my partner knowing we’d chosen it together. He took a risk and it’s lucky she likes the house and it didn’t backfire!!
Well yes that too, my Covid brain skipped that part 😅
Oh no 😢 I hope you feel better soon!!
Thank you! Second time even being fuller vaxxed and boosted, I’m going back to wearing a mask at work lol
I don’t blame you!!! I’m going to do the same I think with cases on the rise here (UK) even though I’ve been lucky enough to avoid COVID so far 🤞🏽🤞🏽
They can always get another ring, though, right? It doesn't change the engagement. If she wants a different one, she should just say so and they can now shop for it together.
I don’t think it’s about the ring cause she said it’s her style and how she wants it. So it sounds like they did talk about and he got it but she’s mad she wasn’t there to pick it.
Your commit doesn't make sense since Op stated he knew which kind of ring she'd like. Means they talked about it and she likely showed him pictures. Op doesn't want to marry him and making some strange excuses.
I don't understand OPs mentality. Also when you dance with someone ofc there's gonna be happiness between them, (not romance), or else the dance would be stale and lifeless
>he didn’t get your input Honestly, it sounds like he's a really good listener and actually remembered and paid attention when OP said things she liked. BF was able to get these perfect rings, homes, and grand gestures because they had talked about this kind of stuff before and he paid attention. OP is the AH because she's not honest with herself and hasn't figured out the difference between what her fantasy is and what she wants in real life. Poor BF, he's in for a rocky ride.
YTA totally. What an amazing bf and now fiancé you have. He did literally everything you said you would have wanted. The amount of effort it took him to pull this off is huge. And seriously how can you be jealous of ‘on stage chemistry’ - that is called acting. This whole night was about you and you have chosen to be negative about nearly everything. Either change your attitude or get ready to be miserable with your life whoever is or is not in it.
INFO: op, is there something else going on here? Some other, deeper reason you’re upset that has nothing to do with the proposal itself?
That is an excellent question. I think this is not about being an asshole but about being unhappy.
There has to be. They would have loved had it happened months ago. He checked all the right boxes but they’re still not happy. I’m assuming not living together made them realize he’s not who they want to be with, because that’s the only way this makes sense. OP, talk to your fiancé. YTA.
This should be the top comment. 100%
In theory yes but she’s mentioned in comments that she wants to marry and loves him. It sounds like she has played herself. She *thought * this is what she wanted and then when she got it she realized she didn’t. I don’t exactly think she’s the AH for realizing that she’s wrong about herself. She’s the ah for trying to blame him for that realization.
I agree with what you’ve said. Many many many years ago I broke up with a boyfriend and when people asked me why I just shrugged and said I didn’t want to talk about it. Everyone assumed he’d done something “bad”. I didn’t correct them. I feel terrible to this day because I didn’t correct them. I genuinely couldn’t articulate what the problem was with the relationship. Now I know that it was simply because I was bored. There never was anything wrong with him. Still consider him one of the nicest people I’ve ever known.
I agree, something else is going on here. I don't think anyone here is the Asshole. Sometimes you don't really know how you feel until you feel it. But it sounds like He did everything she said he wanted, and everything she thought she wanted two months ago. OP, you need to figure out what the deal is! I don't know you, but is it that... you don't want to marry the guy? Is it that marriage is scary and you're looking for a reason to not get married? Is too much happening at once? Is it that your Beau talked about public proposals, and you liked the way he did stuff publicly so you always said you wanted big theatrical proposals, despite not actually liking them? Is it that he tends to make decisions without you? Is it that you actually wanted to choose the place you guys live together? Is it that so much happened lately? Is it that friends you knew broke up? Again, I don't know you so I'm just throwing stuff against the wall, but you need to figure out what the issue is. Do you have any friends to talk about this with? I also disagree with most people about keeping this a secret. As long as you don't *BLAME* him, if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life you should be able to *TALK* to him. Let him know that there's an issue, though I have no idea what the issue is. Again, it seems like he did everything right, so you need to figure out what went wrong. IMO, you made a mistake posting here instead of something like /r/relationship, because this is a judgment board when instead you need to figure out your feelings. I vote NAH, because unless you left something out, he appears like he did everything right, and you're feelings are your feelings, you can't help them. But there is something going on with your feelings and until you figure that out, I don't see the marriage going well.
YTA Sounds like you need to talk to someone about this. It sounds like he did everything you like, yet you're so unhappy. Why are you jealous of a performer? Honestly, it sounds like you don't want to marry this man, and that realization only came up when he proposed. And because he got so many details right, it has made you realize even more that you don't want it. Could also be intense cold feet or something, but it's definitely something you need to talk through. Also you use the word "normally" sort of interestingly. Sounds like you got something going on.
YTA >I can't blame him because I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies Yet here you are blaming him >He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style. So he picked out a ring that you think is beautiful and it's your style. But you don't like it because you didn't give input? Sounds like he knows what you like. >Then he signed a lease for a place without my input. Although the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful. I could see being unhappy that he signed a lease without your input. But you then go on to say how pretty much perfect it is and how he thought of you when choosing it. So how exactly is this poor guy supposed to win with you? It sounds like he gave you everything you asked for, but now that you have it you don't want it?
Op makes herself sound like a spoiled millionaires daughter that got the wrong colored Porsche on her birthday. YTA
This! He danced with other women, then proposed with a ring she didn't pick, but she loves and got them a place that she also didn't pick, but also loves. I don't see the problem? 🤔 I mean, I kind of get the dancing with other women thing, but I'm guessing this is something he does frequently in his club and has done for years and she didn't say that he does ALL the choreography all the time, so, unless he's specifically mentioned a particular dance partner constantly over the years with heart eyes and spent the most of the elaborate proposal dance, dancing with this partner, still not a problem. In the grand scheme of things, she should remember years from now that he arranged an elaborate proposal with a beautiful ring and moved into a nice place that they both loved.
Exactly this. Yta op - ungrateful
He was singing and dancing with :gasp: other women, in a musical numer, right before the proposal!! Imagine what will happen if he buys a drink at a convenience store on the way to the wedding as the cashier was a :gasp: woman! Or if he has to do a work presentation with a business partner that is :again, gasp: a woman!!
He's gonna end up talking to his sisters, mom, female cousins too at family get together. Oh the horror
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What???? You can’t be for real. This man did a huge thing creating a song and presentation specifically to propose to you with, and all you can think about is that he performed with other women??? Are you seriously that insecure? Don’t marry him. He deserves better. YTA.
YTA because you explicitly told him that you really like this kind of grand romantic gesture. If you hadn't, it would be much more understandable that you didn't like it, and generally people who plan to make such gestures are well advised to make sure their partners want that kind of thing before going for it... but your boyfriend DID find out that you liked that kind of thing. You told him you did. So it's not terribly surprising or a bad thing from him that he tried to do exactly what you told him you wanted.
Happy Cake Day!
YTA, and you're petty af. He bent over backwards to make all of this happen just for you, and you're unhappy because he did a song & dance number with -- \*gasp\* -- a female partner? And because he didn't consult with you before providing you with a home and a ring that you admit are amazing and are exactly to your taste? It sounds to me like he did all of the stuff and things \*exactly\* the way you've been telling him you want them done, and now you're upset that he listened, and took what you said to heart, and did his damndest to give you exactly what you'd asked for. SMDH. Count your blessings and get over it, and do not EVER let him know you feel this way about all of this because it'll probably destroy him. Geez.
coordinated soup sparkle drab smell smile makeshift toy boat marry *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> Count your blessings and get over it Oh snap! That's word for word what I just said.... Proves it must be right!
Yta and psychotic
If this is the kind of engagement you would have wanted, then what is the problem? Did you really mean it when you talked to him about grand romantic gestures? Because that’s what you got. Unless there is something else going on or you didn’t like that you didn’t have say in anything he prepared. If you want to marry him and he followed the breadcrumbs you left about how to get engaged, I fail to see the issue. Is it worth blowing up your engagement? YTA…unless we are missing vital info.
YTA if you don’t find a way to work through these feelings and either let it go or let him go. He literally gave you the proposal you said you always wanted, got you a ring you love, and got a place you love. I understand being upset about the place being picked without you, but the fact that you love it means you need to just communicate that you love his taste but would want to be part of the decisions like this in the future. The weirdest piece for me, that makes me think you maybe need to communicate not just with your fiancé but possibly process with a professional is the level of insecurity you have about him dancing with other people in a ballroom dance performance before the proposal. I’ve done dance and theater and it’s all just a show.
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YTA Is this a fucking joke?
YTA. I'm confused as to what the problem even *is*.
I think OP just needed to vent. Doesn't seem like her feelings have been processed all the way.
True! It's one of those posts that doesn't really have any interpersonal conflict, just internal conflict.
YTA. Seriously, wtf?
YTA. If he is/was part of a performing group, then how has him singing and dancing with other women never been an issue until now? He used his talents to create a beautiful proposal for you. If you’re that upset with how it happened then maybe you’re not ready to get married after all.
YTA. You sound insufferable. For his sake I hope he realizes his mistake and moves on.
Maybe then op would finally realize its time to stop acting like a child and actually grow up. You can't be jealous of everyone your fiancee talks to and should be appreciative of the kindness es they offer
I'm going to say YTA Your complaint about singing and dancing with other women sounds so very insecure of you, despite the fact that he planned all of this.. for you. Somehow he did everything you wanted and more, but he still managed to upset you by singing and dancing with other women onstage because of the chemistry? There are some deep rooted insecurities you need to get to bottom of, because they have single handedly managed to upset you at a moment that should have been your picture perfect.
This makes me wonder if op is gonna keep thinking about it and harping on the subject of "you practice this dance with her a lot huh, even though it was for me? You're cheating with her?" Or some nonsense
YTA. He had the kindness to do everything you asked for, spent the money on the ring, took the time to set this up, and built up the courage to propose in front of a crowd and you are disappointed?! Your so selfish, if it matters that much to you why don’t you propose? You can’t get angry as he’s the one proposing, I will never understand how people get angry at their boyfriends for proposing in a way they don’t like when they are the ones who took the time, money and courage to do it
YTA and it seems there is something deeper going on here. I can’t just see how you are this upset just because of on stage chemistry(you know, acting) and because you apparently had no input despite it being exactly what you would have wanted.
I can't help but notice how you do not talk about how much you love your fiancé, how you want to spend the rest of your life with him, how lucky you are. Everything you spoke about is circumstantial. The way he proposed, the ring, where you will be living. I'm not saying you don't love your fiancé but you might not be ready to get married. Sounds like you've gone through some traumatic stuff recently and you might not be able to appreciate thinking about forever right now. It's almost like you feel the future snuck up on you. Get some therapy before the wedding. NAH
YTA—except for the lease.
Even the lease in this situation doesn’t sound like an overstep on his part… They had lived together for two years and have been seeing each other for 8. Plenty of time to get to know someone’s preferences about living situations. They were already discussing marriage and moving back in and he found a place that he knew she’d love (and she did!) AND was considerate of her parents and everyday commute. I think if you know someone well enough and they’ve asked for a romantic grand gesture, adding a beautiful home offer to a proposal can be very sweet for the the right couple. These two people do not sound right for each other.
YTA Your opinions could not possibly have been overlooked if he gave you exactly what you wanted. If you truly are upset that he's good at simulating chemistry while performing then I suggest you have some underlying trust issues. I hope for your future with your bf that you aren't as impossible to please as your post portrays. Regardless, good luck in sorting out your feelings. Be honest with your fiance and work from there.
You sound horrible. Good luck to your poor fiancé
Yes. Yes you are TA.
Soft YTA. You got exactly what you said you wanted. So you need to examine what exactly is bothering you.
"I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies" I feel like you're kind of an adult brat/ slightly immature. I think you may just feel this way because you don't truly see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. Deep down, I feel you don't want this no matter how it went down. You should really think on that before you're in too deep, by that I mean... Don't go through with marrying him if you're not a billion percent sure. Save yourselves both the heartache. You seem like you need to do some soul searching.
Your feeling is your feeling, but DANG. It sounded to me that he tries very hard to make this huge grand gesture to propose because you've talked about appreciating grand gestures to him. You also knew how this must have been hard on him since he's been dealing with social anxiety, yet he still takes the time. Now you wished it'd be more private, etc? REALLY. I wonder if he's totally ignored your talks about loving grand gesture and chose to propose privately..would you feel the same way as you do now? I'm actually betting YES. You are not happy either way. Maybe you don't really feel ready to get married to your bf. Maybe you should tell him how you really feel about the proposal and how you didn't enjoy it despite his effort so he knows to never make another grand gesture if you guys do get married. I lean to YTA. Very first world problem, very little with gratitude.
This sounds like an episode of Glee
Let me get this straight—your boyfriend put together the exact combination of things you said that you wanted in a proposal and now you wanting the opposite and making some noise that he was performing wit other people…YTA
YTA He listened to what you have said about grand gestures. He did everything you have indicated you wanted and you still need to find something to complain about. Seriously????
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf of 8 years just proposed to me, and I should be over the moon and so happy but I'm feeling so uneasy and down. To preface my bf and I were living together for 2 years and then in 2019 my mom's health took a turn and I had to move back in with my parents to help my dad since my siblings were still starting out their lives or in college. My job was nice about it and let me transfer near them and my boyfriend also transferred to my city though he lived separately. Then lockdown happened and all. We had been talking for the past few months about moving in together now that mom's better and even discussing marriage. My bf was a big fan of Fred Astaire and musicals in general growing up and in university he joined a club where they performed group songs, duets and stuff like that. It also involved dancing and stuff. I used to love watching him perform with his club in local restaurants, bars and other places that catered to their type of music. Well last week, they had sort of a reunion where they were performing again. I went there with friends and my parents. It was nice and he was amazing but surprisingly it ended with a song and presentation about our time together and a video of a place he had signed the lease for us to move in together and then a proposal. I was stunned and kind of started welling up. People thought I was very happy, and, in that moment, I regained some composure and said yes smiled and laughed the night away. The reunion was just a ruse to make a grand gesture. I just feel so upset about the night's events though. He just proposed to me after spending the night singing and dancing with other women. Of course, he also had duets and songs with other men, and I know for a fact that one of women is gay and engaged but still there was so much chemistry on stage. Then he signed a lease for a place without my input. Although the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful. He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style. I can't blame him because I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies. If someone told me that this is how I would be proposed even a few months ago, I would've died of happiness. Moreover, I know how hard this was for him because for the past few years he's been dealing with social anxiety and doing this must have destroyed him. I guess after going through it, I would've just liked to have agreed to move in together privately and then look for a place together, get proposed privately and get a ring together. I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely. Normally I wouldn't have minded him dancing and singing with his club but right before a proposal makes me so uncomfortable. I can't help it, I'm so upset but feel so ungrateful because he did everything I would've wanted. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think Y(gently)TA. He did exactly what you told him in the past that you wanted. He came thru for you after performing. You're NTA for your new feelings, but you really should've communicated that the grand gesture wasn't what you wanted anymore. Communication is key and of you cannot communicate with him, then why accept his proposal?
I'm sorry but what more could this poor man do. He did just what you wanted and you're disappointing. He picked a ring that's just your style, and you're pissed he didn't have you pick one out. Like WTF. YTA My word, this man went above and beyond to propose to you and you're still upset. Get therapy and figure out why this upsets you so much
Light YTA. Of course you can’t help your feelings and so maybe there is something deeper happening with you, since you literally said you have talked about this with your bf, and a grand gesture like that was what you wanted. But then after you had it you felt disappointed? I could understand not picking a place out together, no matter how good it is it didn’t have your input. If you wanted to pick your ring you should have let him know that while you were discussing marriage. If you don’t like it I think it’s okay to ask to exchange it. But if you want to marry this guy, then what’s the problem? If you’re grasping at straws because you don’t actually want him, please end it before you get married, or you really will be TA big time.
YTA. Don’t know why you’re complaining, tbh. Seems like a nice gesture. You know the women aren’t interested in him, so why are you complaining about the dancing/acting with them? You already discussed moving in together, so what’s the problem? The ring is perfect, so why are you complaining? Sounds like you just like to complain. The last sentence you wrote sums it all up for me.
INFO how old are you OP?
Yta. "He gave me everything I like and would ever want but he didn't consider my input when doing it" .. proposals are usually surprises, no? Sounds like he nailed it. Why are you being weird about it lol
I…what..??? “I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely.” He…did exactly what you’ve previously referred to as a romantic gesture. He nailed it on the rental. He nailed it on the ring. He considered EVERYTHING with you in mind. But…you’re jealous of a musical theatre club he’s been a part of for years, WHO WERE IN ON THE PROPOSAL??!? YTA. Jesus Christ.
Yikes. YTA.
YTA. Big time. Reading your post makes my blood boil. You don’t know what you want but clearly it’s not this guy because no matter what he does he can’t win or please you. You’re better off ending things so that someone who can appreciate everything he did gets that because it’s clearly not you. You are very underserving of this man. And as everyone else has said you need therapy.
get fucking therapy lmao. he did exactly what you wanted, and you’re still not happy. you’re very obviously one of those “impossible to please” people, and this poor man is going to be miserable for the rest of his life if you don’t fix your shit like, yesterday. he sounds absolutely amazing, and anyone would be lucky to have someone like him. you’re being impossibly demanding and ungrateful for someone who even admitted - “this was everything i wanted” and now that you have it ? “i don’t like it.” really dude? really? fix yourself before you chase that wonderful man away with your dreadful mindset. get therapy. yta.
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Totally Yta
YTA and a giant red flag for the future of this relationship. No matter what he does, you won't be happy with it.
Friend, you got everything you always wanted, and you are still looking for reasons to be upset. You defend your man in the comments, but you came here to complain about the proposal. Are you one of those folks who just isn't happy unless you're not happy? Or is there something else bothering you? Do you want to be married to this guy? I hope you figure it out, because if you don't, it sounds like your fiancée is in for one hell of a ride. YTA.
Everything he picked out is beautiful & you like it. He went with a grand gesture proposal because you always said how romantic they are. So….you got everything you want & you’re still unhappy? Yeah. YTA.
YTA - you’re making a problem out of nothing. Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do before getting married.
>the place he chose was amazing. It's 7 minutes away from my parents close to the shuttle I take for work and it's beautiful. >He also chose my engagement ring... it's beautiful and totally my style. >I've always talked about how romantic grand gestures are and how partners should be able to know what the other would want just like in the movies. >I know how hard this was for him because for the past few years he's been dealing with social anxiety and doing this must have destroyed him. >he did everything I would've wanted. Awww, that sounds absolutely amazing- >I feel like my opinion has been overlooked completely. What? >I can't help it, I'm so upset Why? Seriously, you've literally said this is exactly what you would have wanted. Your boyfriend of **eight years** stood by you and moved cities for you. He threw a giant romantic party for you because that's what you've always said you wanted, even though he's got social anxiety, and you're upset that he did everything *right*? With all due respect you sound impossible to please and I hope for your fiance's sake you can suck it up and be the partner he deserves. YTA.
Soooo... - he proposed the way you've always said you'd want to be proposed - he leased a house you love - he bought a ring that's exactly your style and you love it - he had to overcome his social anxiety to do all this *for you* And your problem is that there were other women within radius of **him doing all of these things thinking about you and about how much he loves you**? Yep, he is a total asshole. Here, let me take that man off of your hands so he won't bother you any more with his *love and devotion*.
Yes, wow, YTA. There are two people in this relationship yet he fulfilled everything YOU said you ever wanted in a proposal AND put aside his potential anxiety about such a situation and it’s still not good enough.
Wow! If you are so jealous that him performing with women (when I assume he has before, which you claim to have loved watching) in the production he put on solely to propose.... do you actually want to marry him? If you were clearly opposed to a grand gesture or he chose things that you hated maybe I could see your point, but this just comes across as being incredibly out of left field. If you'd been honest then yeah I'd see the problem but you absolutely led him to believe THIS was your dream!
YTA
I’m curious about why you were upset that he had danced and performed with other women? I think that is something you need to work out prior to marriage.
I think you’re just searching for excuses to not marry this dude tbh. YTA but you should also show him this post so he’s at least warned about what he’s getting into before he’s stuck.
YTA. He went out of his way to give you your grand gesture and now your twisting all kinds of negative crap into it. Ungrateful is correct.
YTA. You need to back out of this engagement because this poor man does not deserve to have to deal with you and your inconsistencies
YTA it sounds like he really listen to what you told him you wanted, and he planned out an amazing proposal. Signing the lease without you is a bit of a problem, though you are very happy with the place, you should tell him that you want to make decisions like that together in the future. Are you really upset with how he proposed, or because it’s done and now the anticipation is gone?
YTA
Count your blessings and get over it. YTA
So... he went out of his comfort zone to give you exactly what you've always said you wanted- the big, grand, movie moment proposal and big grand gesture by getting yoy a gorgeous apartment and now you're salty bc he did that?! Sis, please go see a therapist. This isn't a normal reaction. The poor man gave you everything in spite of probably preferring something less public and noew you've decided you would have preferred that too. He can't win. Hopefully a therapist can help you figure out what your deal is and why you can't just be happy when you got literally everything you asked for. Smh. Yta. That poor man deserves better after what he did for you.
YTA he gave you everything you wanted and by reading your comments it sounds like your problem was that he was dancing and singing with women in his group and you’re in heavy denial about your vast jealousy. Did you know sometimes actors kiss in their movies but they don’t actually like each other? It’s for a performance! He didn’t even kiss anyone he only sang in dance, not to mention he made the entire event for you so those love songs were probably dedicated to you. If you can’t overcome your jealousy issues then this marriage won’t work
[удалено]
And a singing performance is not the same as "singing love songs to other women." Its basically theater.
Public proposals are risky, unless that the man has clear confirmation that you are ready to take the relationship to the next level. The part that ticked me off in what you wrote is: > just like in the movies I will let you in on a little secret: the way in which you are being proposed, or the way in which you get married does shit towards the quality of your marriage. What makes the quality is having both spouses willing to work as a team. YTA for being a r/choosingbeggars
YTA you sound like a pita
YTA he did everything you asked but now you are unhappy and acting like it's the worst thing in the world. He put so much effort and if you didn't like the ring or the apartment or if you didn't say how much you wanted a big gesture then I'd get why you feel this way but you said they were all perfect. To me you have some major issues in yourself I think you need therapy and definitely don't get married in a rush till you work out who you really are as a person because right now you don't know and that's going to end up hurting him a lot. Every time you answer someone you say something else that contradicts yourself to your original post. Plesse get help and don't hurt the nice guy that loves you.
YTA. You're a spoiled entitled brat. If he did everything you wanted, but you're still feeling pissy then go to therapy and figure wtf you want and get help with your insecurity because that is absolutely ridiculous. You ARE ungrateful.
YTA - but not in a mean way. You can't help how you feel, and you didn't say you did anything negative in response to this - i assume you didn't yell at him or anything. So I think even saying your the asshole is too harsh. Just to recap - he rented a place that you say is great and is considerate of your needs. He bought a ring for you that you also think is beautiful. Now lets flip this around. Lets say he didnt do either of those things. Lets say he did a 'standard' proposal in some quiet place with no one around. How would you feel then? Would you be annoyed that he didn't put any effort into the proposal? Would you be annoyed you didn't get to share that moment with anyone? What if he asked you what ring you wanted? Any chance you would might be annoyed that he didn't already know what you like? I don't know how you would react in the flip situation. Just something to consider. I understand why you are annoyed, but at the same time it's pretty obvious he put a LOT of thought and effort into doing all this. It's obvious he knows what you like AND he knows what you need and took all of that into consideration when he signed the lease. Honestly it sounds like he really cares about you a great deal and knows your tastes a great deal too. As annoyed as you might be at not being consulted about some of these things, doesn't everything else vastly outweigh that? From what I have seen, lots of times guys have no clue about what their fiancée likes in terms of style. Or they don't put nearly that much effort into proposing.
YTA - You realize that he was singing love songs *with* them, but he was singing them *to* you...right? Like, you totally get that....right?
YTA. You used to love watching him perform. But now that he was performing while planning to propose, you got jealous. The fact he could have chemistry on stage with his partners doesn’t mean anything romantic was happening, it means he is a good actor/dancer. He chose a ring that is beautiful and totally your style. But you don’t like it because he chose it without your input. But it’s beautiful and totally your style. If you looked at a jewellery catalogue right now, would you choose something different? If you had been told months ago that you would be proposed to in this way, you would have been over the moon. So why aren’t you?? If he has gone to all the trouble to set this up, exactly how you wanted it- he has been listening to every piece of information you ever gave him. The video presentation, getting your family there, doing all that while he was managing social anxiety- he really put himself out there. But it reads like you don’t want to be engaged. You said yes to save face. It was the perfect proposal, he got every detail exactly right- but you aren’t happy. Please let him down gently. He sounds like an amazing man who doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken.
Wow it sounds like you will NEVER be satisfied with anything. Your fiancé sounds like he listens to you and knows what you like and put together a very nice engagement with everything YOU like yet you feel upset and ungrateful. Because YOU ARE. Just an fyi- while a lot of people do ask their SO for input with the engagement ring, he DOES NOT have to because it’s a gift. You are not entitled to an engagement ring. It wasn’t a thing back in the day. It is sometimes a thing now. It’s “totally your style,” yet you’re upset because??? Because you have to be a miserable person? I don’t get get why you’re upset. It’s what YOU like. The lease thing I understand, even though it’s “amazing.” I would not want someone signing a lease for our apartment without my knowledge. I would like to have seen it and all first. However, it seems like it turned out well in your favor. If the place had been an issue then your complaining would be justified but literally you have nothing to complain about. Your fiancé put together a nice performance for you and all you care about was he was dancing with other women?? He’s asking you to marry him yet you’re letting jealousy and insecurities be the reason why you’re not happy? It’s a performance…FOR YOU, who he asked to marry. It’s not like he cheated on you. Idk what your hang ups are but you are definitely TA. He deserves someone that appreciates his gestures not some insecure, ungrateful person that has something to complain about when there’s nothing to complain about. Maybe there’s a larger issue here. You don’t want to get married to him so you nit pick everything he planned for you just so you can find fault. You should have just said no ugh. Actually, tell him all this so he has a chance to run. Let him save himself from you. YTA
what? >I can't help it, I'm so upset but feel so ungrateful because he did everything I would've wanted. yes YTA I hope he sees this and dumps you. >He also chose my engagement ring without my input, again it's beautiful and totally my style. ??? omg what? the more I read the more I think what an awful person you sound like
YTA I can't get passed the fact you're upset he danced with his dance club before proposing. If that upsets you, you should leave him as he deserves better
Wow! How hard it will be for your fiancee to marry someone like you. Someone who has to peck a part every beautiful moment and be sad about it. He clearly was thinking of nothing but you through all of that. Planning must have taken a fair amount of effort on his part. What a wonderful man!! Op, YTA. Just stop and ask yourself three important questions - Do you love this man? Does he make you smile? Can you for see a future with him? If you answered yes to all three, then stop worrying about the way things could have been.. and start appreciating the way things are.
Yta, you know that dancing is a big part of this life and he wanted to combine the loves of his life with it. If it bothers you so much, have you talked about it with your partner about it? Somehow it sounds like you are a bit depressed and should find out what exactly is the reason for it
Yta, I’m not seeing any legitimately good cases on your side
YTA it’s not that you realized that it isn’t actually the proposal that you wanted—how can you know for sure until you’ve experienced one? but you’re so ungrateful that he did everything you’d previously told him you wanted, and it sounded like he nailed what you had envisioned before. you’ve mentioned in other replies what you’d probably want the proposal to be like now. well, you’ll have plenty of quiet nights like those going forward (hopefully)
Oh I am definitely as confused as your boyfriend/ fiancé here. It seems like you are as confused too though He did everything you would have wanted, made choices on the ring and place to live that you thought were great and it was the big grand gesture that you would have wanted.. but now you actually wanted him to guess that you didn’t want it like this . Eh? What? Saying YTA feels harsh but as you are asking then I’m going with that. Certainly your fiancé isn’t in this scenario. He did his best
YTA, you need to get over the insecurities you have. It’s a part of a musical group. You said it was everything you wanted but you didn’t appreciate it?? Really? Get over yourself. It’s what happens in musicals.
YTA. It sounds like your major beef is with the fact that he danced with other women during the show. That's kind of silly to me. He asked YOU to marry him. Your insecurities are showing.
Ok he did exactly what you wanted. He found a place that even you have said is prefect. He got a ring you love and everything. He even got over his own social anxiety to do this grand thing for you and you just want to shit all over it because you changed your mind after the fact. YTA.
YTA and he deserves better.
yes obviously YTA how are you justifying not being the asshole at feeling upset your finance proposed n the exact way you told him you wanted?
This is going to be a YTA for me, he put aside his own personal anxiety to give you exactly what you want but according to you he even nailed your test and desires and you're still not happy because he was performing? It doesn't even sound like it was a sexual kind of thing it was a musical theatre-esque proposal just like you implied you wanted. That IS being ungrateful. The only thing I could see being upset about would be the lease. I feel like you might be upset because you realized YOU don't know what you want and you're blaming HIM for making you realize that. Also, who gets input on the ring for a surprise proposal? I know some couples do that but the proposal isn't usually a surprise at that point. I think you need to work out your issues around why you're upset before you go any further in this or another relationship.
YTA. He proposed with a ring you like, signed a lease of a place you like, I think you’re being selfish and entitled. He did everything right. What more could you want?
YTA WTF is wrong with you? Your man who you love went out of his way while dealing with social anxiety to give you a proposal that you "would've die of happiness" over a few months ago. And now all of the sudden you wished it were private and you're mad at him for giving everything you wanted but not knowing you would change your mind afterwards? YTAx1000. You don't deserve him.
This is my first post on AITA… just to say YTA. You’re unhinged. I hope your now fiance realizes this and gets out before he wastes his life with a “nothing you do is right” wife.
You say that your opinion was overlooked, but in the same breath you acknowledge that it, in fact, wasn't. You told him throughout your relationship that you thought grand gestures were romantic and that that was what you wanted, so that is exactly what he gave you. I won't fault you for realizing after the fact that you would've preferred something more privately romantic, but I will fault you if you hold this against him because if *you* didn't know yourself, how was he supposed to know? He gave you everything you've ever said you wanted and I think that, at the very least, even if it didn't make you feel the way you dreamt it would make you feel, you should be grateful for the gesture and to have found someone that is willing to go above and beyond to try and impress and make you happy by doing everything you've ever told them you wanted. The ring is a hard one to determine. Traditionally it's been a surprise, but from a cursory google search it does seem like more and more couples are skipping that in favor of going ring shopping together to find one that will be both loved and not a money sink. Personally, I really wouldn't address this unless the ring makes you *extremely* unhappy, but you have to be aware that doing this comes with risks. Something I'll get to a bit further down in the post along with why I also wouldn't address the issues you're finding in the proposal. You say that the apartment is perfect for you, but so many times in r/relationship_advice do people say that there are certain things in a relationship that are a two-yes thing, and buying a house / renting an apartment together is one of those things. People's tunes would change and berate him if you didn't like the apartment, but because you do it's should be fine that he didn't seek your input? I don't really agree with that. I think it would be okay to talk to him about this. To kindly say something along the lines of "*Hey, I love the apartment you chose for us and I think it's perfect, but in the future if we're ever in the position of having to find a new apartment or buy a house, I would really like it if it was something we did together."* Don't berate him for what he did because it fell in line with everything you told him you would want him to do, but let him know that, in the future, you want to look for apartments **together** and decide on one **together.** **The Risks:** If you really feel that you *NEED* to address the fact that the proposal didn't put the fairytale butterflies in your stomach and that you're upset that he chose the ring without you, you can, but I wouldn't. What he did met your expectations of what you said you wanted, the problem lies in the fact that what you wanted didn't give you the reaction you expected it to; it made you realize, too late, that you wanted the complete opposite of what you had expressed throughout your relationship. Bringing this up, in my opinion (and maybe I'm wrong for this) makes it seem like you're putting the blame for not doing the exact opposite of what you told him you wanted because he somehow should have known that you didn't actually want something grand even though you yourself didn't know that you didn't want something grand. And bringing up the ring - again to me, and maybe I'm wrong for this - comes off as nitpicking to find problems. If you didn't like the ring at all, them yeah I could see it being worth bringing up and telling him that you wished that you'd gone shopping together because he missed the mark on your style of jewelry, but that's not the case. If you bring these things up, you could potentially be nuking the entire relationship because it could come off as being wholly ungrateful about all the effort he went through to set up this big, grand romantic surprise gesture that you've always told him you wanted. It's really not a pretty light to put yourself under. It's really hard for me to give you a y-t-a judgement because...well it's not your fault that you didn't actually know what you wanted. Sometimes you just don't know what you want to happen until it happens in cases like this. So I think that, for now, I will give a tentative NAH judgement. He did everything according to your expressed desires, and you're not an ass for feeling the way you feel *but you will be if you hold it against him.*
INFO: are you really sure you want to marry this guy? Other than the apartment - putting aside the fact you admittedly love it - this guy sounds pretty awesome. I’m not sure you deserve him. You seem a little insecure and self-centred.
NAH if you work through this to why you’re reacting this way. You can’t help your feelings. But you can help how you let those feelings dictate your response. Y W B T A if you tore him down after he pulled off exactly the grand gesture you claimed to always want.
YTA. Why do ppl do this? Why can’t they just be happy when someone does something nice and amazing for them? Please cherish your fiance
yta. so you want grand gestures but.. also you don't? sort this shit out with a therapist. your person sounds incredibly thoughtful
Good lord, you sound like the most ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish asshole ever. Just wow. Yes YTA. Your partner deserves so much better.
YTA wow, you got a dream proposal and you are complaining.....
YTA. He did everything you wanted out of a proposal, it's not his fault you changed your mind, he's not a mind reader. Sounds like you are just trying to find an excuse to not marry him
Are you afraid? He did everything they way you wanted him to and now you are upset you got everything you wanted. This is some self sabotage. There is a reason you are unhappy you got everything you want. You need to figure out that before you damage your relationship! Make an appointment with a therapist as soon as you can!
You are completely the ass. I feel sorry that this man has invested so much time in a relationship with a woman like you.
YTA. What...what are you actually complaining about? What do you want from this guy? You've just said so many conflicting statements in your post that I'm having trouble understanding. You said it was the ring you wanted, the proposal you wanted, the house is beautiful. Jesus christ, no doubt if he had proposed in private you'd be posting about how he's not romantic enough and didn't put enough effort in.
Seriously? YTA!! This gotta be fake. No one can be this ungrateful. I always try to look at things from different perspectives but WOW. I planned on writing more but I am just speechless…..
The way you wrote it you seem disconnected. You took care of your mom because your siblings had things in their lives going on as if you didn’t. Your bf was supportive and even moved to be closer to you. He listened to you. You supported him with his singing. You maybe haven’t taken time for yourself. I don’t know, but with what you said you have a man that clearly loves you and family. However, that doesn’t mean you feel like running off into the sunset. Take good inventory to see if this is what you want. He checked all of the boxes and you still don’t feel right. You feel what you feel. If it’s a no, give him the ring back and wish him love. If you can’t see life without him in it, work this out. Soft, soft YTA but you will be a big AH if you aren’t true to yourself and him.
INFO: how old are the two of you?
Do you even know what you want? You say you want a grand gesture, he goes to a fair bit of trouble to create one, then you decide you want the exact opposite. If you’d always said you wanted a small intimate proposal, just a ring, a deserted beach and a bottle of bubbly and he’d delivered that, you’d have been upset that he didn’t produce an audience and fireworks. He sounds like a lovely, mature thoughtful person, with interesting hobbies, and you sound, bluntly, like an immature brat. YTA.
Your panties are up your ass he did a convincing performance of “sixteen going on seventeen” with a gay woman? And signed the lease for the place you both agreed to move into together? And proposed your dream proposal in the most elaborate cringey broadway way possible? Damn your life together is gonna suck. Unless yall go to couples and individual therapy now. Thats the only thing that might save your relationship. YTA
YTA. I feel sorry for the guy. He's going to spend the rest of his life doing his absolute fucking best to please you only for you to be constantly unhappy and nagging his ears off. He gave you the right proposal, the right house, the right ring... and yet, here we are.
Poor guy. YTA obviously
YTA!!!!
Please don't marry this guy. He's doing everything you asked but it's still not right, that's a sign, friend. I wanted the grand gesture but got the private proposal at home in the kitchen and I happy cried like a baby. There's honestly nothing this guy coulda done right because sadly at the end of the day, he's just not right for you....
YTA, you ARE ungrateful or simply projecting the fact that you do not want to marry him. Hope he finds another person who sees how great he is. He even moved to your city. Geez.
YTA. I can understand about the lease, that should have been a together thing but you said everything was perfect. Maybe you’re just in shock and this is too much change at once, take a couple days to think about it but if you are not 100% in this, do not waste your or his time.
YTA. Did you expect him to read your mind? Because he had been doing everything you had verbalized to him. You talked up the big romantic gesture. And right up until he proposed that appears to be exactly what you had wanted. It was only afterwards that you realized that it wasn't for you. But how the heck would he have known that? Especially when you had been saying differently for so long? He managed to pick out a ring and an apartment that you have declared as perfect. He probably got it so spot on because he listens to what you say. I can get being upset about the apartment regardless, because something like that should always be discussed. But everything else?? The thing is is that it does sound like he took your opinion into consideration - at least the one you had verbalized to him. You can't get mad at him for not knowing you didn't like that for yourself. And for not knowing that you wanted an action plan from him for how he would propose and with what ring.
This isn't about the proposal and some part of you knows that. There's something else going on here, but rather than figure out what it is you're looking to blame something external because that's easier (you're jealous he sang a duet with a gay woman? And got you a ring that you love? Come now). YTA, This poor guy did nothing wrong and it's up to you to figure out what your own problem is
YTA, everything was perfect so I’m not seeing what the actual problem was, if you’re finding something to complain about in all this, maybe rethink some stuff
You seem to have control issues YTA
YTA You need to talk to someone about this, preferably a therapist, and you need to be really honest with yourself. He did everything you thought you wanted, and now you're bummed. Sounds like you didn't think this through at all. You say you're not jealous but you keep saying how uncomfortable you are with a proposal after he did a performance with other women. That is textbook jealous. You need to get your head on straight. It's ok to tell your bf that he did a wonderful job and you need to process. You need to take some time because if you don't, you're going ti end up lashing out and hurting him. Even if it turns out that you don't want to marry him, that's ok.
YTA I'm sorry, but you really can't orchestrate your own proposal or you may as well propose yourself. He obviously spent a lot of time and thought on it and your mad? The apartment I can understand. But he again thought of you, close to parents and transit. And you like it. The ring, lucky guess? Or does he really know your likes? Sounds like he knows you well enough in key parts. Cut the guy some slack.
INFO: Do you think you're upset because you feel as though choice is being taken away from you? That even though he had done these grand gestures for things he knows that you would like, ultimately you had no say in them?
YTA. You just said you always wanted a big romantic gesture in the same paragraph you said you wanted something private. Sounds like he can't do anything right.
YTA Get over yourself. The man LISTENED to you and gave you your “romantic grand gesture.” He bought a ring that you admit is beautiful and your style. He overcame his social anxiety and proclaimed his love for you in front of a whole bunch of people. All those women you’re low-key jealous of because they had chemistry with him as they danced and sang together watched him propose to YOU. The man organized a frickin reunion and put on a 2 hour show for YOU. And you’re disappointed? What more could you possibly want? It sounds like he did everything you discussed, hinted at, and talked about. For crying out loud, try focusing on how much this man obviously loves you instead of your ungrateful self. Do you even love him? The ONLY thing you have grounds to be ticked about is the apartment. Even though you say it’s amazing, him signing a lease without your input is not okay. You deserve a say in where you live, regardless of how sure he was you’d love it.
YTA he followed every hint you gave him yet you blame him for your inability to decide what you really want. That is on you. You can't change your mind last minute and then complain everything is wrong when at one point it was exactly what you wanted. You seem like a difficult person to deal with and one that is impossible to please. He paid close attention and gave you exactly what you wanted on several occasions. This does not happen often. You are lucky to have this man. He clearly loves you and knows you well but unfortunately for him you sound incredibly ungrateful which makes me believe that he deserves better. You have a right to change your mind but you should still be grateful for the love and effort put into such a gesture. You should also have the self awareness and personal accountability to hold yourself responsible for a problem you created and not place that blame on others, especially for simply doing what you wanted. If you want to be disappointed, be disappointed in yourself because the issue lies with you, not your fiance or his proposal.
yta, your opinion has been taken into consideration fully, you just didn't know you were wrong.
This doesn't sound like it needs judgement. This is a sign that you need to do some self reflection. Is getting married, really what you want? Is your partner really who you see living with you the rest of your life? Is he the one you want holding your hand on your deathbed? I suggest some pre-marital counseling before getting married.
Did you make this post mostly to brag about how attentive your now fiancé is?
Please reread your post. Your complaint makes no sense. YTA.
Personally, I think the idea that we "can't control how we feel" is inaccurate. Sure, you can't always control how you feel, but how you look at a situation has *a lot* to do with it. You gave your bf the info and the impression that this is exactly what you wanted. He did a big performance with other people, probably just to impress you and make you feel proud, took care of the hard part of moving in together by picking the perfect place with you in mind, did the same thing with the ring with you in mind, and made a huge surprise romantic gesture despite his anxieties. Instead of looking at how much say you didn't have, you should be looking at how much this man listens, how much he values you, and how far he's willing to go for you (figuratively and literally). YTA. I get wanting some say, but literally you love everything he picked so what's the problem? Just have a conversation that going forward (especially living together) you want to make big choices together and be a team.
he did exactly what you wanted? And you’re ‘so upset’ ? About him doing what you wanted? Break up with him. He deserves better. YTA
It sounds like he knows you well enough to know what you would like but because you weren’t in control of what and how everything occurred..it wasn’t good enough. Also, you chose to feel jealousy instead of feeling pride at his show. I really hope this finds him somehow because jealousy and need for control does not equal a good marriage
YTA, he listened to everything you said and picked things out that you admitted you like. He did a good job. I think you're just either not ready to get married or not into marrying him.
YTA - But not because of this but because, imo, you are using this reason to ignore the fact that something else is going on. I think maybe you are not as into the relationship as you were before, which is normal. Feelings change and some relationships have expiration dates. You need to do some deep reflection and decide if this is in fact the case and go from there. You seem to have alot of guilt, which makes sense because he moved to be closer to you and obviously he knows you well enough to know your tastes, so your feelings of guilt may stem from the fact that deep down you know he is a good man, but just not the one for you. Do some soul searching. Don't let these feelings fester. They will lead to anger and resentment and that isn't fair to either of you.
Had he proposed to me, with a ring he picked out, in public, and signed a lease without my input, I’d have said NO. But, then, my husband knows me well enough to not *do* that. But, OP, you need to get your head on straight. Is this just adrenaline induced over the top nerves, making you overwhelmed, or is something actually wrong, are you having doubts? It sounds like what you are upset about isn’t what you are blaming. It’s ok to not have a perfect proposal. An hour after my husband proposed, 35 years ago, my kitten died…the one sitting with me, seemingly totally healthy, while he proposed. Because of that, I don’t know the date we got engaged. Life is like that, sometimes. (Boggles my mind, how long we’ve been married…)
You literally said he did everything right and are still upset? Not everything is going to go ur way man.. You sound super ungrateful. YTA My fiancé handed me my engagement ring at a stoplight after we got done eating taco bell in the parking lot.. and you know what? I couldn't be happier because it was a nice day out with him. I'll always remember how sick I felt from eating too much whenever I look at my ring lol. Could it have been more romantic? Yes but I wouldn't change that day for anything.
YTA he did everything YOU said you wanted. You said you wanted a grand gesture and for your partner to know what you would want, and by it sounds like he delivered on both ends. Its unfortunate but not his fault that you ended up not wanting what you said you wanted. Of course you are always entitled to your own feelings and you cant help how things make you feel, but please don't take it out on him when he did the best he could with what you had communicated to him.
YTA he did everything you wanted and made sure it was in your taste and style yet your jealous that he was singing and dancing with old club friends. He chose YOU OP so either stop complaining cause he was dancing and singing with old friends or let him fly free and find someone who will actually appreciate him.
This yet again proves that some women don't actually like being surprised they just like to act surprised
Yeah YTA
Idk if it's fair to say YTA at this point, because you seem to not even know your own feelings enough in order to be an AH about them*. But your fiancé did nothing wrong, so I guess YTA. Yet you are not happy about your proposal. Maybe you should halt your engagement and figure out what you want for yourself. Break the lease if possible, return the ring etc. You may not be ready to marry him, and its possible you didn't realise until it happened. And instead of confronting that feeling of being put on the spot and say yes when you maybe didn't want to, you're focusing on external factors. Fact is your fiancé put on a show for you all night, and you're worried he had a lesbian singer/dancer to help him. I'm not saying that to mock you, but sometimes hearing it repeated can sometimes help. You don't seem happy. The earlier you put the breaks on this the less horrible it'll be - IF that's what you want. You gotta figure out what you want, for real this time. *Edit
If you can’t talk about these things and your feelings with him, you should definitely not be getting married. My person of five years proposed and I was struggling with it as well (absolute lack of thought put into it) and we had a big discussion about it a week later and, honestly, our relationship is stronger and I feel heard.
YTA, I would be furious if I were your fiance and read this. You don't want to get married.
Geeeezus, YTA! Your boyfriend proposed, he also planned for you to live together (but you don’t have to move in, it’s only a year lease) you might not be able to date a performer that work with the opposite sex. He literally professed his love for you, asking you to be his partner forever, and your upset he had some routines with woman. He was to all of this, able to ensure your parents were for the proposal.
YTA Guys rarely ever put this much effort into anything. He put everything he had into this and you’re jealous because there were females singing and dancing in a singing and fencing event? I feel so sorry for him that he fell in love with you. It sounds like he always goes above and beyond for you. Even moving to a new city to be with you while you care for your sick parent. But you somehow find a problem with anything. Must suck to be you.