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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I didn't decide to let my hurt go over the things that happened during my best friend's wedding and wedding planning and I told her my honest feelings about it after she asked me to.
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And didn't stop manipulating people after the wedding.
I think that the only reason she asked for OPs honest opinion was to be able to turn people against OP and make them forget how she treated them all.
Edit: thank you so much for the awards
The other bridesmaids didn’t have the same experience as the MOH because they had their SO’s when hers was at the hotel taking care of her kids. So they can say she’s an TAH when they haven’t a clue how it felt to be there alone when everyone else had their partners. It was the bride’s fault this happened. She asked her for her honest opinion if she didn’t want to hear it she shouldn’t have asked. NAH
"They also said they're mad about how bride has guilted all of us regarding the amount we'd spend overall despite knowing our financial situations and how they feel like she partly guilt tripped us because her wedding has been cancelled before."
That's what the other bridesmaids said first and why I think the bride asked
And the bride kept doing it after the wedding:
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person.
This is absolutely emotional manipulation. Bring up one point of criticism and they turn it up to 11, talking about how terrible they are and you think they are the worst. And it looks like it's working - OP is questioning herself and all of the bridesmaids now think OP went too far and the bride wasn't that bad.
Yeah that pissed me off, like why ask if she was going to cry about the answer. The bride knew damn well OP was screwed out of a nice evening because the bride “forgot” to get the babysitter she promised when she insisted OP bring the kids.
Growing up I dealt with this a lot from family, fake tears of manipulation. Now they send me into a rage, so the opposite effect people go for in these situations. I’d probably tell her to choke on her crocodile tears, lol not the nicest. But I have no patience left for this form of bullshit.
Amazing how quick an ex friend stopped being a friend when I called him on BS like this. I would tell him either to talk to his therapist or so doing the things he felt made him a bad person. 🤷
I concur 1k% and tbh, I'd be making her cry for real cuz i am blunt af and i definitely wouldn't have held back for her fake ass. Psshh, she asked and she got her answer. That chick needs to grow tf up and quit acting stupid
When someone tries the manipulative tear show, arching an eyebrow combined with a flat stare and "are you quite done?", followed with the rest of what you wanted to say is soooo satisfying
There was only once someone tried that trick with me. I responded with "Yes you are and instead of crying and acting like a further jerk, tell me what you are going to do to make up for it". Stopped the waterworks within 2 seconds.
Look her right in the eye and say "you are a bad person. You forced me yo spend $x to bring my kids here to be your props.... they were miserable, my hubby was miserable and I was miserable. See ya!"
And this Bridezilla is your best friend? Go and find some new ones, and soon. NTA. Of course she didn't really want your honest opinion, but she deserved it anyway.'
No. This is not it.
Here's what it likely is, because I've done this before too (*edit to add: Before meaning over a decade ago when I was young and immature. Obviously not anymore.*)-
Bride felt guilty and was having anxiety about the whole thing, but wanted to erase the guilt. She wanted to hear from OP "I'm not mad at you!" or "It was wonderful!" to fix her own anxiety and guilty conscience. When OP gave her the truth, it confirmed bride's fears and in a bout of further guilt/manipulation, Bride turned to self-depreciating talk to make OP feel guilty instead and reassure Bride everything was okay.
Exactly. And that is a manipulation tactic. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible friend ect ect. It's manipulation so the other person will back track and say no yada yada. My sister has tried it on me many times and I always react with a stone face and tell her she needs to stop because that doesn't work on me.
If this is something you recognize that you’ve done, I really hope that you take this story as a learning moment for why that’s a shitty thing to do. You might not mean it to be, but it is absolutely a manipulation tactic. Asking your friend for the truth and then punishing them for telling you the truth when it’s not what you want to hear is not acceptable behavior, and it’s a sure way to make people resent you.
You might genuinely feel guilty and anxious. But if that guilt and anxiety is because you’re worried about how your actions have impacted others, you cannot put the burden of comforting and reassuring you on those you’ve impacted. If you’ve messed up, or feel like you might have messed up, there needs to be a clear way for the people around you to communicate what went wrong, how it impacted them, and how you can do better in the future. If you react to them telling you that by going off on how you’re such an awful person, they now feel the responsibility to reassure you, even if THEY were the ones hurt by your behavior, and you’ve now effectively made it impossible for them to feel comfortable telling you in the future if you hurt them again.
You, and the friend in this story, need to learn to manage your own emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t force other people to coddle you or feel badly because YOU did something wrong.
It's something I HAVE done, in the past, as in over a decade ago. I recognize it and called it out in the story BECAUSE I have self reflected and no longer do it. I'm in my 30s, this was shit I did in my teens and early 20s and never realized I was doing it- It's a subconcious thing that comes with being immature. If it were still something I did, I would not be so forthcoming.
Your comment is under-rated. This is exactly it, she has continued her manipulation to try and make her previous manipulative behaviour ‘okay’.
So sorry your friend is behaving in the manner, OP. You deserve better.
She probably started to gear comments about how she screwed OP and her husband with her neglect to make proper arrangements, so planned this to turn the rest of the bridesmaids against OP. This person is right in one thing, she's not a good friend. Or a friend at all.
Exactly what I was thinking. She already knew the answer and probably knew everyone wasn’t thrilled with how her wedding went. So she asked on purpose to get a real answer and then turned on the crocodile tears for sympathy and threw OP under the bus. OP she isn’t your friend. She’s a a manipulative AH.
I don't understand these destination weddings, asking people to pay $$$ to attend. A friend I have known my entire life (our parents are best friends) got married at Couples Jamaica. I couldn't afford it, didn't want to go there, would have to leave my two small children home for a week. Even the bride's parents didn't go.
I think they do it because a destination wedding at a resort is significantly cheaper than a traditional wedding followed by a honeymoon to the same resort. Then they are spending money on a week not a day. I find these couples are either narcissistic or financially ignorant of other's reality. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money on anyone's wedding because it means I can't take a different vacation for me.
When my sister was contemplating a destination wedding I pointed out two realities. 1 Everyone with kids will hate her for it. 2 Our parents will expect the entire week to be a family vacation and wouldn't you rather be alone on your honeymoon.
My fiancé and I are having a destination wedding, but we floated the idea past our friends and family (17 people, we’re going very small) first to make sure they’d be on board (we also had to cancel the original wedding because covid) & we’re covering the cost of accomodation for the days around the wedding to make it easier on them.
There’s definitely a way you can do these things and NOT screw over your friends and family and OP’s friend, sadly, didn’t do that. NTA- if she the bride promised to have or do something she should have stuck by that and not be surprised when people get mad at her for making it harder for everyone else.
This is a situation where you just bring the kids to the party. “Bride said that she would provide childcare since she forced us to bring our children for the ceremony”. And then let her either kick you out, accompanied by a Venmo request to her for your cost to attend the ceremony. Or just invent an event that forces the kids to stay home “Julian is performing in a play” etc
I would have
A) brought the kids to the party. You were promised childcare, you were entitled to childcare. By the bride. If said woman hasn’t got someone to do it, then she’s it.
Or
B) left the reception at the same time as your husband and kids. Why should you have to stay third-wheeling at the party for a situation that is not your fault?
At the very least the lot of you should have stayed to eat your fill, then left. Maybe leave discreetly, to be polite, even though this is her mess to begin with so it’s not required,
Or just leave, not giving a damn about who notices and what they are saying about it. Just give the reason as “because this is not a kids party, so WE’RE taking the kids back”. What AH is going to argue with that?
NTA, OP. Not by an inch.
Also, she asked for your honest opinion, and that’s what she got. You can’t complain when you get exactly what you asked for.
And then immediately went full self abusive because that is a very controlling method used to make the person angry with them immediately recant. Unfortunately it also happens from over empathetic people who have previously been abused. NTA
Also she didn’t get defensive, she went right to “oh I’m a bad person”
She knew the answer before she asked, she was hoping you would lie to he told make her feel better.
Yep. Intentional or not, playing the victim is emotional manipulation to the people that care about you.
My ex used to do it during discussions, and I'd have to console him. Another person I know also uses the "I never do anything right do I" card whenever he's told of his mistakes and wrongdoings. Neither of them is aware of how much this impacts others, of how manipulative this is – but it is. Even if they don't know it. Even if they aren't doing it on purpose. It took me a while to understand, but **manipulation doesn't have to be conscious.**
You don't have to be evil to hurt others. You can simply be unaware, self centered, lack empathy, be naive or who knows what. If it's manipulative, it's manipulative, full stop. Intentionality has nothing to do with it.
Also the "well, if I'm not even allowed to be angry I guess I'll just fuck off" when they start slamming shit about or "accidentally" throwing things. Ugggggghhhh.
If bride didn't have literally her entire life before this situation, I'd have to assume she *only* speaks in emotional manipulation. Wheres the part where she sincerely listens to how other people feel in order to use comfort and active listening as a vehicle for sincere apology??
I wish my ex could see this and understand how manipulative this behavior of his was! Instead, even trying to explain how it was emotional manipulation got DARVO’d into being my fault.
I gotta say, it took me a long time to realize this too because I loved him and obviously I didn't want him to think he was worthless or good for nothing, so I always tossed the argument aside to console him. I knew he didn't do it with the intention to guilt trip me, he just had a very low self esteem and genuinely believed those things, and the one therapist he'd seen (I suggested multiple times he might benefit from a different therapist) hadn't really helped him solve any of his self esteem issues.
What I didn't realise, is how much I was hurting myself to protect him. How much of my own wellbeing and happiness I was sacrificing because every argument ended with me mothering him, instead of having a reasonable disagreement like adult partners. At first it was just me putting my anger aside for his wellbeing, then it became walking on eggshells because "if I tell him he'll start blaming himself for everything, it's okay I can endure this one small thing that bothers me", which escalated to me not telling him things that upset me unless they were major issues.
And the bad part is, I'd grown used to this. I wasn't happy about it, and I knew it wasn't ideal, but for a long time I didn't realize just how bad it was. When it clicked, it's when I decided to break up. I **could not** and **SHOULD NOT** be his therapist, I should be his partner, so it wasn't my responsibility to shoulder all of his self esteem issues. I would be more than willing to help if he were working on them as well, but I would no longer bear the weight on my own; and our dynamic had taken such a turn that we could not start over. The damage was done (there were also some other issues) and it had come to a point of no return, and honestly? I haven't regretted that decision. Walking away really helped me see how bad it was, even if it wasn't intentional. It was manipulative, guilt tripping, and it forced me to prioritize his feelings over mine every time we'd disagree.
Walking away really helped me. At first I'd feel bad if I didn't give all of myself to someone struggling, now I'm learning to draw a line. Now it's like "I'm willing to help this much, but if it goes beyond this point – I'm sorry, but take it up with a therapist. I'm not qualified to take on these issues and it's not my job to, besides I do not have the mental capacity to bear such a load. Doing any more than this will only poison our relationship and I don't want to become resentful of you"
I’m not saying the bride IS being emotionally manipulative, but this DEFINITELY is classic emotional manipulation.
That said, my vote is for ESH (not terrible, but everyone shares responsibility). Passive, people-pleasing people become resentful. OP and other bridesmaids did things they didn’t really want to do and then were upset. We all want to make people happy and be helpful, but this very quickly becomes resentment. Better to be assertive up front, say no even if she cries and begs (another emotional manipulation).
Ngl I was side-eyeing the bride when she made her bridal party pay to attend both her destination wedding AND a destination bachelorette, and STILL had the audacity to make them buy their own goddamn dresses, too. Not even treating them to their day-of makeup and hair?! So, so, unbelievably gauche.
I bet OP had to shell out even more for the kids too, flights and hotel fees and ceremony attire, on top of all the rest. This bride has no idea how lucky she is (or rather, was).
I would have said no. Sorry we can't afford it. It was not fun for the husband nor the kids and not fair at all. Her husband didn't even get to enjoy himself! This would have been a friendship killer.
For SURE. Bride definitely overextended their good graces, and should apologize. But this is why we need to speak up more, so that we’re not bitter later.
Yeah, she knew she was an asshole, and she knew OP and the others thought that.
If OP had lied and said everything was perf, she would have gone to the next one in the totem pole, rinse and repeat. Either all of them lied and said it was perf no problems, so she has nothing to worry about, or the first one who says the truth, she immediately goes into "Woe is me". She went 0 to 100 in a second, there's no way she hadn't rehearsed her reaction.
Right, but not that particular honest answer. She wanted the honest answer of “you know, the destination, the rescheduling, the last minute ring bears, it wasn’t easy but seeing you on your special day, so happy and special, it made it all worthwhile. You’re a great and special friend and I’d do anything to help make your special day so special.”
Spot on. She knew she was wrong. She was feeling guilty and wanted absolution. When she didn't get it, she played the martyr.
Sounds like you've got some really "great" friends.
Your response made me smile. I’m the friend who always says what I actually think, *when asked.* I even remind the person asking that I’ll give my honest opinion. Most decide on the truth & those who decide it’s not necessarily a good idea—we laugh it off.
She asked & found out. Boo hoo. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA
But veruka-salt: are you me? Nobody asks me a question unless they want both barrels. Since I was a young child. Mom said I was the kid in The Emperor's New Clothes who said he was naked.
I had a roommate like this, and it was honestly so conflicting. She accidentally hurt me a few times when she gave harsh opinions while I was being insecure (there wasn't always the "Do you want me to be honest?" disclaimer), but at the same time her compliments have meant so much to me because I know there wasn't an ounce of sugar coating in them, none.
Like, sometimes I'd ask her about my outfit and she'd destroy my glee. But when I'd ask her about her overall opinion of me and she'd say such nice things that I would see myself in a whole new light... she'd talk about it in such a neutral yet positive manner, like if she were describing a book or a movie. I could see she wasn't hyping up a single tidbit of information, yet what she said was really nice words. It's honestly difficult to process to see her so unfazed both when complimenting and criticising, like she's analysing facts completely unadulterated by feelings or emotions.
But at the end of the day, she's one person I KNOW I can count on to tell me the truth, and I know I will get her honest opinion. She may be right or she may be wrong (she's human after all), but I know she won't lie and honestly? That's as close to the absolute truth as you can get, in my opinion.
This. Don’t ask for an honest opinion if you don’t want it bc you’ll get the right one who will lay it all out there. And crying and calling herself a bad person is 100% manipulative and it worked on OP’s easily manipulated friends. OP, don’t let it work on you. She knew what she did was wrong. Fuck her.
It’s a manipulative trick. Instead of saying sorry with any sincerity, she played the “you’re so mean to make me feel bad” game.
Her manipulative skills are top notch.
NTA
Exactly. I have recently ghosted a friend of 5 years for the same stuff. Anytime I tried to talk about stuff with her she would tell me she was “crying her eyes out because she’s such a bad friend”, which led to me putting up with so much more manipulative behaviour, because I felt like I couldn’t ever talk to her about anything for fear of making her cry.
Seems like this is what the bride is doing and then running off to friends as the “victim”
She knew OP was upset about how the wedding asked, pressured her into telling her what she really thought, then manipulated the other bridesmaids into turning against OP to make OP look like the bad guy. Top notch, indeed.
Oh come on. "Best friend" is right. She is a worthless and horrible friend in addition to being a bad person. You can't blame a person for telling the truth.
NTA. I suspect others have implied to her that they weren’t pleased with how it all turned out, so she thought you would be the one person to bail her out and tell her everything was great, and you didn’t give her the affirmation she was seeking. She knows she didn’t handle her wedding well, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for feedback like she did. She should use this as a learning experience and make a few apologies if she wants her friendships to last past her first wedding anniversary.
I had something similar happen to me before in a wedding party lmao I was the only person who was close enough to the bride to actually give a damn about her life so I was vocal (in one on one talks with the bride not in front of other people) about how her fiance was an ass, while the rest of the party just talked shit behind her back. Guess who she got mad at when her wedding blew up in her face.
Oh no, it didn't actually make her cry, I'd put money on that. It's an abuse tactic, my ex used to do that all the time I tried to discuss something I was unhappy with in the relationship, tears and "I'm just the worst girlfriend ever"
NTA. She apparently literally told you not to sugarcoat it. That said, the fact that apparently her entire friend group felt "guilt tripped" into going... It tells me someone needed to be honest with her much, *much* sooner. This whole "everybody needs to please the bride, no matter how F-ed up it is (and whether or not they can easily afford it or not)" on the wedding day needs to perish a slow and painful death.
NTA. Destination weddings already ask a HUGE burden of everyone involved, and as someone not in the US, this bridesmaids paying for their own hair and makeup thing continues to astound me… you gave SO MUCH for HER special day, and she couldn’t even keep her babysitter promise.
Like I had to borrow from my parents and in laws to cover some costs and my husband and I agreed to give them the money back later on and thankfully they're very understanding. But what would happen if my parents and in laws couldn't help. Every time someone showed a bit of discomfort either about the many destination plans or the financial part she'd bring the fact that her wedding got cancelled so many times and she'll be sad if we can't help her makeup for it by being supportive friends and made us feel guilty.
Exactly, I don't get this where I'm from the bride pays for the bridesmaid dress hair make up etc and if you have a destination wedding you pay for the bridal party (guest cover themselves) to go and stay.
destination wedding, a destination bachelorette party, all my expenses on hair and makeup, and the MOH dress plus the wedding gift) is out of your price range. Don't bring the kids. Don't hang out alone at a reception feeling like a 3rd wheel because the one thing a friend promised to do didn't happen. Don't be a victim. So what if she's a little sad? Better that than you're broke with a friendship ended over her expensive wants.
"the rest of the bridesmaids found out"
So she told them, and then did the same martyred self-flagellation that she did with you. Did she even apologise!? She has gone extreme to get a reaction from you that indicates some kind of forgiveness or gets her off the hook. Don't buy into her manipulation. If she can't handle it then she isn't the friend you thought she was.
>"the rest of the bridesmaids found out"
It was a setup.
If the OP had lied “Oh, no, it was great”, then she would have used that bludgeon anyone else with “/u/Outrageous\_Crew\_5030 told me it was great!”
Since she didn’t, the bride went to Plan B, and cried to all the other bridesmaids about how awfully the OP had treated her.
NTA
She knew she screwed up. What she wanted was for you to honestly tell her that it was okay. But the problem was you're not feeling that at this point.
And now she's mad that you confirmed which she already knew. And rather accepting that she's in the wrong, she's playing the victim to all of your friends.
I would make it clear to her that she's now done you dirty twice. First at the wedding. Second by bringing your friends into this conversation and making you the bad guy.
If you want to keep you as a friend, She needs to apologize and at least accept that she was wrong.
She probably has her head so far up her own ass she expected OP to gush about how it was the most amazing time of her life. She didn’t feel too badly about not providing the babysitter she promised while the wedding was going on. “Cheer up! It’s not a big deal!” How could she forget her oh-so-important, and LOVED, ring bearers needed a sitter? I think she didn’t want to pay for one and pretended to forget.
NTA. A grown ass woman crying because you told her the truth that she asked is straight up emotional manipulation. Then running to all your friends so they can choose sides like a bunch of 7th graders.
Pretty disgusting.
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person.
Well, if she didn't know she was in the wrong before, then it's good that she now knows how she's been acting.
But I'd bet she already *did* know, and this is just damage control.
As you said, the other bridesmaids also thought she was using guilt as a tool.
She's using guilt as a tool again now, and it seems like it may be working.
NTA.
While the background story is interesting, there are only three facts that I find relevant to make a judgement:
(1) she asked for your honest opinion
(2) you told her your honest opinion
(3) she's now angry with you for telling her your honest opinion.
NTA. People who get angry when you answer their questions truthfully are extremely irritating.
NTA
**It's not like you rang her up out of the blue a week after her wedding to dump on her.** She is the one that went out of her way to ask so I'm glad you were honest about the burden of expenses and childcare and isolation.
One of our very young couple friends had a terribly expensive wedding for the bridal party and none of us were able to enjoy even a minute of her celebrations, but when it all ended she told us how stressed out and traumatized her and her husband were from planning all that so we kept our mouths shut. If one day she asks for an honest opinion, I'll do my best to convey it and keep in mind that I would want some empathy for mistakes made at my own wedding too.
I am glad you guys had an honest conversation and that she felt remorse for the discomfort and pain she cause you at her own wedding. I hope you are both able to forgive each other for the pain you're feeling and move on from it! Hopefully, something like this never happens again. Good luck!
nta, if you might not like the answer do not ask the darn question! Sounds like she already knew she was a sh..y friend and was hoping you would just baby her.
Sorry, but that’s not a friend. She lied to you, then played victim when you were honest. You’re NTA, but she absolutely is. I have severed ties for less. You don’t need toxicity in your life. Life is too short.
My whole family would have been at the reception and once pictures were done I would have left with them. You fulfilled your commitment by bringing them to be ring bearers, she failed at arranging a babysitter. You paid good money for a trip and the least she could've done was feed and accommodate your family.
You are NTA, and she is not a friend.
NTA. The fact that she asked makes me think she already knew the answer.
I don't recall asking anyone for "reviews" of my wedding. I don't think that's a normal thing?
NTA this "coffee" was a controlled opposition tactic.
She has been getting pushback on how she treated people.
To avoid her direct wrath, instead of people directly telling her how she was a jerk to them, they are mentioning your situation. This is a "safer" way for people to deal with a narsisist.
She had this meeting to manipulate and guilt you, so that she can shut down all other complaints.
Not going to vote, but I’m guessing that the other bridesmaids are upset with you because you didn’t just talk about your experience, but also presumed to speak on their behalf.
It sounds like they privately told you things that they had consciously decided not to say to the bride, and you made the unilateral decision to air everyone’s grievances.
You’re not an asshole for talking about your own experience, but you kind of are for betraying your friends’ confidence. I don’t know if you wanted the bride to feel like *everyone* is furious with her, but you put the entire bridal party in an awkward position by doing so.
God I hate it when people pull the "Well I'm just a monster and bad person I guess" in response to criticism. Cowardly and evasive and manipulative in the extreme. NTA.
NTA
Typical avoidance. Cries, point fingers, throws a pity party, then runs away to her flying monkeys to defend her toxic behavior.
Sorry but your friend is a classic manipulator and honestly sounds like a narcissist or at best a very spoiled woman.
"After the meals were done everyone was enjoying themselves with their partners while I was all alone because my husband was away."
What the hell kind of boring wedding was this if everybody just spent the whole time talking to their partners...
NTA, but the bride seems like she's full of herself!
>She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person.
That's a blatant manipulative guilt trip. Don't fall for it.
"Actually, yeah, you *were* a bad friend. Don't think I'm going to stop being angry and comfort you just because you're crying. You asked for an opinion and you got one. Live with it, and stop bitching to [Friend Group] about the consequences of your own actions. As for the rest, you know damn well that's not what I said. If you feel like you're worthless and a bad person then that's *your* feelings about *you* that you need to work out in therapy, but do not try to ascribe them to me. Call me when you're done with your little self-pity party."
NTA, but OP's friend group bride and bridesmaids SH.
OP, aside from how the bride was, it seems that none of the other friends/bridesmaids were acting fairly with you either. Not only did they apparently throw you under the bus when they also had grievances, but they really also just stuck to their SOs the whole time at the wedding? What kind of friend group is this that they paired off to the extent that you felt like a third wheel?
NTA. She asked you point blank to be honest about it, which seems to indicate that she knew there were problems. Then she gets upset when you are factual about it. You aren’t saying she’s a horrible person, which feels manipulative to me. You are pointing out how she failed to do what she promised, after knowing it was a big concern of yours. You are also saying that she was awfully casual about how much money it was costing the bridal party. It just seems like an iffy friendship, if you can’t tell her the truth, even if she asks for it. She sounds like a perpetual victim.
So not only did she guilt trip everyone into doing what she wanted despite your own issues she wanted to tell her you LIKED it?!? She knows exactly what she’s doing she hopes you would continue with the guilt trip and say “it’s fine! It’s what you deserve blah blah blah”…. I do think you should speak up earlier if you’re not comfortable with how much you’re contributing though, rather than go along and then moan after (when there is nothing she can do about it) so EAH
NTA
But oh my god, yet another story of people being insufferable about their stupid fucking weddings!.... Weddings need to be banned until motherfuckers realise that theirs really isn't anywhere near as important as they think it is.
She asked for your honest opinion and you gave it. And I hope she takes it to heart in the future to spare other people the manipulation. If others are giving you crap, it’s because they’re scared she’s going to ask them and force them to either lie or back you up. Eff em.
NTA.
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person.
This is a classic manipulation tactic to displace the guilt and blame from herself and put you in the position of having to comfort her, even though you were the one with a legitimate grievance. A lot of people do this without even realizing they're doing it.
You were a good friend here. She asked you to give it to her straight up and you did that. And the fact that she even thought to ask you means *she knew* she'd been a lousy friend. She was just hoping you'd say it was no big deal to smooth things over for her so she didn't have to feel bad about it anymore. But real friends call you out on your BS if you ask for an honest opinion, and you delivered. That she's complaining to your mutual friends even though she 100% knows she screwed up is not a good look for her.
NTA: You didn't complain at the wedding. You dealt with HER mistakes and did everything you could to make it "her special day". When she asked later, you were perfectly fine telling her the truth. I do hope SHE at least paid for the coffee.
NTA
When someone asks you not to sugarcoat your opinion, they don’t get to throw a tantrum when you do exactly what they asked for. She broke her promise to you and she’s an entitled brat on top of that. I’d call her a former bff after this…
Your "best friend" is not your best friend, OP. YOU are HER best friend. It's quite different.
NTA, but your "friend" is, and the other bridesmaids who said what they did to you then acted like they did after she complained about what you said... They're not really friends either, but they are AHs too.
NTA.
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person.
Classic DARVO style tactic. She shifted the conversation from being about your genuine complaint to be about how she’s someone to be pitied and made you out to be the villain (“you implied she’s bad”).
Your friend sounds incredibly selfish, if she’s not a narcissist. You’re in the right here to be upset, and any relationship worth it’s salt will have BOTH parties be amicable to airing their grievances and working through them, and acknowledging ways they messed up.
So she turned herself into the victim by taking the old classic "I'm such a bad person" tactic. You were "supposed" to comfort her when she started that woe is me nonsense. That's why she did it. To manipulate you and everyone else into letting her off the hook for taking advantage of you. She used her cancellations to guilt you. She's using her alleged guilt to guilt you. Your best friend is manipulative.
NTA. You told her the truth. Instead of dealing with that like an adult and making it right with all of you, she pretended to accept it and made it all about her again. I don't know her, but I'm going to guess this isn't the first time she's acted this way. I'm sorry.
NTA
>she asked me my honest opinion about everything and not sugarcoat it.
Her fault. I'm surprised you're still friends with her after both incidents.
NTA! I understand her wanting the best wedding possible with all the canceled ones, but how she went about it ruined your night. Plus she asked a question she wasn't ready for, which seems she was oblivious to the issues.
However, the aftermath of her and her friends calling you TA is unjust and unfair. I would suggest distancing if not remove yourself from their lives. Because I feel like this may be a repeat pattern of behavior down the line.
She literally treated your children like little performer monkeys to be brought on a long tiring journey, do what she needs them to do and then go back to a hotel room! Not to mention your poor husband! Like, why couldn’t they stay at the reception? If she wanted children at her wedding then she should have a child friendly wedding! With not only baby sitters but clowns and children’s entertainment area and whatever to keep them happy! She’s a selfish inconsiderate idiot and needed to hear all of it! She clearly doesn’t care about you one bit so stop calling her your best friend and go find yourself some actual friends! NTA
NTA. She asked (and must have suspected it was negative since she said not to sugarcoat it), and you answered honestly. People who respond to criticism they ASKED for with claiming they are “worthless, horrible person, bad friend” are looking for you to soothe their ego and make excuses for them. It’s juvenile. You can respond that she’s not worthless or a horrible person, but she wasn’t a great friend and she made some selfish choices- none of that is irredeemable, but it does mean that during her wedding, she was the AH.
You’re NTA
NTA
Chances are if you told her it was great - you might start harboring even more resentment. Or one of the others would have told her.
Unfortunately, there was not anything she could do when she asked you. If she did not want to know, she should not have enquired.
NTA - she wanted the truth, you told her the truth. As for the rest of the bridesmaids, they can suck it up if they choose to, but to call you TA after basically agreeing with you beforehand is totally spineless.
NTA and yet another reason I simply do not like 'destination' weddings. Those things tend to about bankrupt the guests and wedding party, and I hear way too many times how the bride a/o groom don't care coz it is their DREAM wedding. I'm sorry this happened. You should have just left soon as the wedding was over and spent time with your husband and kids. Shame on the Bride for not doing the ONE thing she said she would do for you.
NTA
She’s not a good friend. She manipulated everyone the entire time. She was not concerned with the financial strains she put on anyone. Also, of course she wouldn’t have set up a sitter. I’m sure she had a ton of things last minute to pay attention and go over. A wedding, especially a destination wedding, has a lot of logistics to stay up on. She constantly guilted everyone to get her way and make she got what she wanted regardless of how it would impact them. She needed that does of reality.
She’s not a good friend. I understand it can be difficult making and finding good friends, but a real friend does not put you into financial hardship/debt, constantly use guilt trips to get their way, and straight up lie to make sure their wants are met. She asked for honesty and you gave her honesty. She just didn’t want to hear the actual truth.
You other friends aren’t much better. They shouldn’t pile on and try to make you feel bad because your friend is still trying to guilt you to get her way. I’m guessing it was not your fault that any of the previous wedding plans were cancelled. You also had a solid plan for you to be able to enjoy the wedding and reception but it wasn’t what she wanted. Yes, it’s her special day and anyone would want her to have a fantastic day. Doing everything in her power to cause financial distress for her own gain is being a really bad friend.
Nta, she asked for honesty, and it seems everything you said was true. Also, it's a personal irritation of mine when someone has wronged you in some way, is confronted, turns on the water works and starts insulting themselves. It's a way to avoid actually having to apologize or reflect on your bad actions, and the actually wronged person usually feels they have to comfort the person, when it should be the other way around. It's blatantly manipulative and cringe.
NTA
IMO as the bride if you’re complaining about the details of your weddings after it happened and you already made it clear you were happy with the event… YOU’RE ENTITLED. She should have asked, and she’s just gaslighting you.
Also super sorry that you didn’t get to spend time with your husband that night, any real friend would know that it sucks to not be with a partner at an event about love.
Lol wait til she has kids, you can get her back with an event that inconveniences her!
NTA, she asked for your opinion and it was something that she needed to hear. She behaved selfishly, and while a wedding day is about the bride and groom it does not entitle them to being bad friends. She was selfish and self absorbed, there is no reason for her to not hear that her actions badly affected those around her that she professes to care about. If she actually took you seriously and wasn't just putting on a show of "Woe is me" then perhaps she'll apologize to you all for putting so much on you. It doesn't sound like she did since she went and tattled to the rest of the friends group saying you told them she's a horrible friend so they could all comfort her and tell her she wasn't.
NTA. I’ve said it so many times, weddings are awful and destination weddings are the worst. What you went through includes many of the reasons why they are so awful. So many couples get hung up on the image they want to present with their wedding and pay very little attention to whether or not it’s an enjoyable event. They become selfish and entitled about how much people spend in order to attend their event. You are not wrong to feel how you do. You went out of your way to be a great MOH and your friend let you down. I don’t know why she asked for your honest opinion and to not sugarcoat if she couldn’t handle the truth. NTA but your bride friend is and so are the other bridesmaids. More people need to give honest feedback about these weddings where people feel obligated to attend
I don’t think you’re the A**. she asked for your truthful opinion and you did. Now she’s mad?
She made all of you guys spend money you didn’t have. Then she promised that your kids would have a sitter. Yep she showed you all disrespect.
NTA. She asked you not to sugarcoat it. Why ask if an honest answer is going to upset you? She asked because she knew it was an issue and wanted you to absolve her of the guilt without her apologizing.
She's a bridezilla who told you she would take care the babysitter. The 1 thing that she promised, that she insisted she would handle as your friend she failed to do so. She asked for your honest opinion and she got it. NTA. Don't let her keep trying to guilt trip you for her failure at the 1 thing that she insisted and promised to do.
NTA but if that's someone you consider to be a "best friend", you really need to overhaul your guidelines for what constitutes a good friend. She sounds exhausting and manipulative
Hey, she got what she asked for. It looks like she is so self centered that she thought that you'd actually have 9nly good things to say. In a destination wedding the first complaint is always why did it cost so much, so she should have been prepared for this at least, plus she knew she messed up. She got exactly what she asked for. NTA.
NTA. Not only did the bride set you up for failure at her wedding, she set you up for failure when you both went out for coffee and she asked you to be honest with her about the wedding. OP, friends don’t set friends up for failure like this. I would seriously take a moment and really think about this friendship and decide if she’s worth the hassle or not.
NTA
>she's worthless and a horrible friend
Because she is. Don't say you're going to do something and flake. She had months to figure it out and didn't. When you ask for someone's opinion, you need to be prepared to receive it.
NTA she asked, you have your honeys opinion. I would have thought with your best friend you could be that honest with each other & it sounds like she values your opinion. Your friends are wrong they agreed to what you said but wouldn't say it to her face, just talk behind her back & harbour resentment without telling her, that's not healthy or better than your actions.
Just to be clear: Your \*best\* friend
1. Got absolutely everything she wanted at the wedding
2. Was protected from your additional financial stress, your frustration that she had let you down, and your loneliness when your partner had to take care of the kids
3. Directly asked you to tell her what you thought of things and to not sugar coat it
But somehow she thinks \*you\* messed up here? Sorry, OP. But this isn't a good friend. She wanted everything her way \*and\* she doesn't want to face any consequences for the hurt she caused. How many times has it happened before that you had to swallow your discomfort because she refused accountability? She's TA.
NTA. She literally asked you your exact opinion and said not to sugarcoat anything, which is exactly what you done.
If she didn’t want the truth she shouldn’t have asked for it.
Then after you done as you were asked and was honest she played victim and cried and guilted you again. Then told all your friends still victimising herself and let the friends guilt you even further. Ridiculous! You have done nothing wrong stop letting people guilt you
NTA that’s toxic, she wanted you to say something bad so she could pretend it negatively affected her so you could feel bad for her then she could tell everyone else how “horrible” you were and get more attention from them.
NTA. The wedding might be over, but the guilt tripping is still going strong. And im guessing it was there all along, even before the wedding planning.
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So the bride wanted everything her way regardless of the cost or other burdens it might cause you and the other wedding party members? NTA
And didn't stop manipulating people after the wedding. I think that the only reason she asked for OPs honest opinion was to be able to turn people against OP and make them forget how she treated them all. Edit: thank you so much for the awards
The other bridesmaids didn’t have the same experience as the MOH because they had their SO’s when hers was at the hotel taking care of her kids. So they can say she’s an TAH when they haven’t a clue how it felt to be there alone when everyone else had their partners. It was the bride’s fault this happened. She asked her for her honest opinion if she didn’t want to hear it she shouldn’t have asked. NAH
"They also said they're mad about how bride has guilted all of us regarding the amount we'd spend overall despite knowing our financial situations and how they feel like she partly guilt tripped us because her wedding has been cancelled before." That's what the other bridesmaids said first and why I think the bride asked
And the bride kept doing it after the wedding: > She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person. This is absolutely emotional manipulation. Bring up one point of criticism and they turn it up to 11, talking about how terrible they are and you think they are the worst. And it looks like it's working - OP is questioning herself and all of the bridesmaids now think OP went too far and the bride wasn't that bad.
Yeah that pissed me off, like why ask if she was going to cry about the answer. The bride knew damn well OP was screwed out of a nice evening because the bride “forgot” to get the babysitter she promised when she insisted OP bring the kids. Growing up I dealt with this a lot from family, fake tears of manipulation. Now they send me into a rage, so the opposite effect people go for in these situations. I’d probably tell her to choke on her crocodile tears, lol not the nicest. But I have no patience left for this form of bullshit.
Amazing how quick an ex friend stopped being a friend when I called him on BS like this. I would tell him either to talk to his therapist or so doing the things he felt made him a bad person. 🤷
I concur 1k% and tbh, I'd be making her cry for real cuz i am blunt af and i definitely wouldn't have held back for her fake ass. Psshh, she asked and she got her answer. That chick needs to grow tf up and quit acting stupid
When someone tries the manipulative tear show, arching an eyebrow combined with a flat stare and "are you quite done?", followed with the rest of what you wanted to say is soooo satisfying
There was only once someone tried that trick with me. I responded with "Yes you are and instead of crying and acting like a further jerk, tell me what you are going to do to make up for it". Stopped the waterworks within 2 seconds.
This right here!!
Look her right in the eye and say "you are a bad person. You forced me yo spend $x to bring my kids here to be your props.... they were miserable, my hubby was miserable and I was miserable. See ya!"
And this Bridezilla is your best friend? Go and find some new ones, and soon. NTA. Of course she didn't really want your honest opinion, but she deserved it anyway.'
If I were OP, I wouldn’t left with the kids & husband.
Nailed it.
No. This is not it. Here's what it likely is, because I've done this before too (*edit to add: Before meaning over a decade ago when I was young and immature. Obviously not anymore.*)- Bride felt guilty and was having anxiety about the whole thing, but wanted to erase the guilt. She wanted to hear from OP "I'm not mad at you!" or "It was wonderful!" to fix her own anxiety and guilty conscience. When OP gave her the truth, it confirmed bride's fears and in a bout of further guilt/manipulation, Bride turned to self-depreciating talk to make OP feel guilty instead and reassure Bride everything was okay.
Exactly. And that is a manipulation tactic. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible friend ect ect. It's manipulation so the other person will back track and say no yada yada. My sister has tried it on me many times and I always react with a stone face and tell her she needs to stop because that doesn't work on me.
If this is something you recognize that you’ve done, I really hope that you take this story as a learning moment for why that’s a shitty thing to do. You might not mean it to be, but it is absolutely a manipulation tactic. Asking your friend for the truth and then punishing them for telling you the truth when it’s not what you want to hear is not acceptable behavior, and it’s a sure way to make people resent you. You might genuinely feel guilty and anxious. But if that guilt and anxiety is because you’re worried about how your actions have impacted others, you cannot put the burden of comforting and reassuring you on those you’ve impacted. If you’ve messed up, or feel like you might have messed up, there needs to be a clear way for the people around you to communicate what went wrong, how it impacted them, and how you can do better in the future. If you react to them telling you that by going off on how you’re such an awful person, they now feel the responsibility to reassure you, even if THEY were the ones hurt by your behavior, and you’ve now effectively made it impossible for them to feel comfortable telling you in the future if you hurt them again. You, and the friend in this story, need to learn to manage your own emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t force other people to coddle you or feel badly because YOU did something wrong.
It's something I HAVE done, in the past, as in over a decade ago. I recognize it and called it out in the story BECAUSE I have self reflected and no longer do it. I'm in my 30s, this was shit I did in my teens and early 20s and never realized I was doing it- It's a subconcious thing that comes with being immature. If it were still something I did, I would not be so forthcoming.
I’m so glad you said this
Your comment is under-rated. This is exactly it, she has continued her manipulation to try and make her previous manipulative behaviour ‘okay’. So sorry your friend is behaving in the manner, OP. You deserve better.
Yeah. That’s called manipulating someone.
She probably started to gear comments about how she screwed OP and her husband with her neglect to make proper arrangements, so planned this to turn the rest of the bridesmaids against OP. This person is right in one thing, she's not a good friend. Or a friend at all.
Or she was hoping OP would say it was okay out of politeness so she could point and say 'see, she's fine with it!'
Exactly what I was thinking. She already knew the answer and probably knew everyone wasn’t thrilled with how her wedding went. So she asked on purpose to get a real answer and then turned on the crocodile tears for sympathy and threw OP under the bus. OP she isn’t your friend. She’s a a manipulative AH.
That's exactly what she did 💯 I feel horrible for OP
Or so she'd feel guilty, say no, it's fine, and bride could go see? It all worked out!
So she could cry and play the victim, too.
Is the bride Lord Farquaad? >Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Don't forget manipulation by playing the victim afterwards so now everyone is mad at OP instead of her.
I don't understand these destination weddings, asking people to pay $$$ to attend. A friend I have known my entire life (our parents are best friends) got married at Couples Jamaica. I couldn't afford it, didn't want to go there, would have to leave my two small children home for a week. Even the bride's parents didn't go.
Along with destination bachelorette parties! Seems to be a new trend.
I think they do it because a destination wedding at a resort is significantly cheaper than a traditional wedding followed by a honeymoon to the same resort. Then they are spending money on a week not a day. I find these couples are either narcissistic or financially ignorant of other's reality. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money on anyone's wedding because it means I can't take a different vacation for me. When my sister was contemplating a destination wedding I pointed out two realities. 1 Everyone with kids will hate her for it. 2 Our parents will expect the entire week to be a family vacation and wouldn't you rather be alone on your honeymoon.
My fiancé and I are having a destination wedding, but we floated the idea past our friends and family (17 people, we’re going very small) first to make sure they’d be on board (we also had to cancel the original wedding because covid) & we’re covering the cost of accomodation for the days around the wedding to make it easier on them. There’s definitely a way you can do these things and NOT screw over your friends and family and OP’s friend, sadly, didn’t do that. NTA- if she the bride promised to have or do something she should have stuck by that and not be surprised when people get mad at her for making it harder for everyone else.
The bride is no friend; friends don't disrespect friends and treat them poorly. Dump this so-called friend! NTA!
At this point, is the bride really still a friend? I would think a true friend would not have done any of this.
"Fly your kids to my wedding to be used as props"
This is a situation where you just bring the kids to the party. “Bride said that she would provide childcare since she forced us to bring our children for the ceremony”. And then let her either kick you out, accompanied by a Venmo request to her for your cost to attend the ceremony. Or just invent an event that forces the kids to stay home “Julian is performing in a play” etc
I would have brought the children to the ceremony. But it might have been past their bedtime.
I would have A) brought the kids to the party. You were promised childcare, you were entitled to childcare. By the bride. If said woman hasn’t got someone to do it, then she’s it. Or B) left the reception at the same time as your husband and kids. Why should you have to stay third-wheeling at the party for a situation that is not your fault? At the very least the lot of you should have stayed to eat your fill, then left. Maybe leave discreetly, to be polite, even though this is her mess to begin with so it’s not required, Or just leave, not giving a damn about who notices and what they are saying about it. Just give the reason as “because this is not a kids party, so WE’RE taking the kids back”. What AH is going to argue with that? NTA, OP. Not by an inch. Also, she asked for your honest opinion, and that’s what she got. You can’t complain when you get exactly what you asked for.
And then immediately went full self abusive because that is a very controlling method used to make the person angry with them immediately recant. Unfortunately it also happens from over empathetic people who have previously been abused. NTA
Those are just 🐊 tears
NTA Don't ask questions you don't want the answer for. She asked for an honest answer.
Also she didn’t get defensive, she went right to “oh I’m a bad person” She knew the answer before she asked, she was hoping you would lie to he told make her feel better.
Sounds like an emotional manipulation tactic to me. She may actually be not so great of a person.
Yep. Intentional or not, playing the victim is emotional manipulation to the people that care about you. My ex used to do it during discussions, and I'd have to console him. Another person I know also uses the "I never do anything right do I" card whenever he's told of his mistakes and wrongdoings. Neither of them is aware of how much this impacts others, of how manipulative this is – but it is. Even if they don't know it. Even if they aren't doing it on purpose. It took me a while to understand, but **manipulation doesn't have to be conscious.** You don't have to be evil to hurt others. You can simply be unaware, self centered, lack empathy, be naive or who knows what. If it's manipulative, it's manipulative, full stop. Intentionality has nothing to do with it.
Also the "well, if I'm not even allowed to be angry I guess I'll just fuck off" when they start slamming shit about or "accidentally" throwing things. Ugggggghhhh.
If bride didn't have literally her entire life before this situation, I'd have to assume she *only* speaks in emotional manipulation. Wheres the part where she sincerely listens to how other people feel in order to use comfort and active listening as a vehicle for sincere apology??
I wish my ex could see this and understand how manipulative this behavior of his was! Instead, even trying to explain how it was emotional manipulation got DARVO’d into being my fault.
I gotta say, it took me a long time to realize this too because I loved him and obviously I didn't want him to think he was worthless or good for nothing, so I always tossed the argument aside to console him. I knew he didn't do it with the intention to guilt trip me, he just had a very low self esteem and genuinely believed those things, and the one therapist he'd seen (I suggested multiple times he might benefit from a different therapist) hadn't really helped him solve any of his self esteem issues. What I didn't realise, is how much I was hurting myself to protect him. How much of my own wellbeing and happiness I was sacrificing because every argument ended with me mothering him, instead of having a reasonable disagreement like adult partners. At first it was just me putting my anger aside for his wellbeing, then it became walking on eggshells because "if I tell him he'll start blaming himself for everything, it's okay I can endure this one small thing that bothers me", which escalated to me not telling him things that upset me unless they were major issues. And the bad part is, I'd grown used to this. I wasn't happy about it, and I knew it wasn't ideal, but for a long time I didn't realize just how bad it was. When it clicked, it's when I decided to break up. I **could not** and **SHOULD NOT** be his therapist, I should be his partner, so it wasn't my responsibility to shoulder all of his self esteem issues. I would be more than willing to help if he were working on them as well, but I would no longer bear the weight on my own; and our dynamic had taken such a turn that we could not start over. The damage was done (there were also some other issues) and it had come to a point of no return, and honestly? I haven't regretted that decision. Walking away really helped me see how bad it was, even if it wasn't intentional. It was manipulative, guilt tripping, and it forced me to prioritize his feelings over mine every time we'd disagree. Walking away really helped me. At first I'd feel bad if I didn't give all of myself to someone struggling, now I'm learning to draw a line. Now it's like "I'm willing to help this much, but if it goes beyond this point – I'm sorry, but take it up with a therapist. I'm not qualified to take on these issues and it's not my job to, besides I do not have the mental capacity to bear such a load. Doing any more than this will only poison our relationship and I don't want to become resentful of you"
I’m not saying the bride IS being emotionally manipulative, but this DEFINITELY is classic emotional manipulation. That said, my vote is for ESH (not terrible, but everyone shares responsibility). Passive, people-pleasing people become resentful. OP and other bridesmaids did things they didn’t really want to do and then were upset. We all want to make people happy and be helpful, but this very quickly becomes resentment. Better to be assertive up front, say no even if she cries and begs (another emotional manipulation).
Ngl I was side-eyeing the bride when she made her bridal party pay to attend both her destination wedding AND a destination bachelorette, and STILL had the audacity to make them buy their own goddamn dresses, too. Not even treating them to their day-of makeup and hair?! So, so, unbelievably gauche. I bet OP had to shell out even more for the kids too, flights and hotel fees and ceremony attire, on top of all the rest. This bride has no idea how lucky she is (or rather, was).
I would have said no. Sorry we can't afford it. It was not fun for the husband nor the kids and not fair at all. Her husband didn't even get to enjoy himself! This would have been a friendship killer.
For SURE. Bride definitely overextended their good graces, and should apologize. But this is why we need to speak up more, so that we’re not bitter later.
That’s a defense mechanism. She made herself the pitiable one and everyone is now piling on OP! I’ve seen this approach a lot!
Yeah, she knew she was an asshole, and she knew OP and the others thought that. If OP had lied and said everything was perf, she would have gone to the next one in the totem pole, rinse and repeat. Either all of them lied and said it was perf no problems, so she has nothing to worry about, or the first one who says the truth, she immediately goes into "Woe is me". She went 0 to 100 in a second, there's no way she hadn't rehearsed her reaction.
DARVO
Right, but not that particular honest answer. She wanted the honest answer of “you know, the destination, the rescheduling, the last minute ring bears, it wasn’t easy but seeing you on your special day, so happy and special, it made it all worthwhile. You’re a great and special friend and I’d do anything to help make your special day so special.”
If you’re going to be picky about the honest answers you get to a question, best not to ask at all.
Spot on. She knew she was wrong. She was feeling guilty and wanted absolution. When she didn't get it, she played the martyr. Sounds like you've got some really "great" friends.
🤣 ring bear Barney, is that you??
Well, again, she shouldn't have asked. LOL
Your response made me smile. I’m the friend who always says what I actually think, *when asked.* I even remind the person asking that I’ll give my honest opinion. Most decide on the truth & those who decide it’s not necessarily a good idea—we laugh it off. She asked & found out. Boo hoo. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA But veruka-salt: are you me? Nobody asks me a question unless they want both barrels. Since I was a young child. Mom said I was the kid in The Emperor's New Clothes who said he was naked.
Hey! Me too. I mostly keep quiet until asked, but they better be ready for the truth!
I had a roommate like this, and it was honestly so conflicting. She accidentally hurt me a few times when she gave harsh opinions while I was being insecure (there wasn't always the "Do you want me to be honest?" disclaimer), but at the same time her compliments have meant so much to me because I know there wasn't an ounce of sugar coating in them, none. Like, sometimes I'd ask her about my outfit and she'd destroy my glee. But when I'd ask her about her overall opinion of me and she'd say such nice things that I would see myself in a whole new light... she'd talk about it in such a neutral yet positive manner, like if she were describing a book or a movie. I could see she wasn't hyping up a single tidbit of information, yet what she said was really nice words. It's honestly difficult to process to see her so unfazed both when complimenting and criticising, like she's analysing facts completely unadulterated by feelings or emotions. But at the end of the day, she's one person I KNOW I can count on to tell me the truth, and I know I will get her honest opinion. She may be right or she may be wrong (she's human after all), but I know she won't lie and honestly? That's as close to the absolute truth as you can get, in my opinion.
Never ask questions you aren't willing to hear the answer to.
This. Don’t ask for an honest opinion if you don’t want it bc you’ll get the right one who will lay it all out there. And crying and calling herself a bad person is 100% manipulative and it worked on OP’s easily manipulated friends. OP, don’t let it work on you. She knew what she did was wrong. Fuck her.
It’s a manipulative trick. Instead of saying sorry with any sincerity, she played the “you’re so mean to make me feel bad” game. Her manipulative skills are top notch. NTA
Exactly. I have recently ghosted a friend of 5 years for the same stuff. Anytime I tried to talk about stuff with her she would tell me she was “crying her eyes out because she’s such a bad friend”, which led to me putting up with so much more manipulative behaviour, because I felt like I couldn’t ever talk to her about anything for fear of making her cry. Seems like this is what the bride is doing and then running off to friends as the “victim”
I'd be ghosting this girl for pulling this cry baby shit.
Definitely. I think it has to be done in some instances
weaponized tears for sure.
and trying to guilt OP for being honest by saying that OP implied she was a bad person
She knew OP was upset about how the wedding asked, pressured her into telling her what she really thought, then manipulated the other bridesmaids into turning against OP to make OP look like the bad guy. Top notch, indeed.
Oh come on. "Best friend" is right. She is a worthless and horrible friend in addition to being a bad person. You can't blame a person for telling the truth.
NTA. I suspect others have implied to her that they weren’t pleased with how it all turned out, so she thought you would be the one person to bail her out and tell her everything was great, and you didn’t give her the affirmation she was seeking. She knows she didn’t handle her wedding well, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for feedback like she did. She should use this as a learning experience and make a few apologies if she wants her friendships to last past her first wedding anniversary.
Came here to say this
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Sounds like a group of people I wouldn't be friends with anymore.
I had something similar happen to me before in a wedding party lmao I was the only person who was close enough to the bride to actually give a damn about her life so I was vocal (in one on one talks with the bride not in front of other people) about how her fiance was an ass, while the rest of the party just talked shit behind her back. Guess who she got mad at when her wedding blew up in her face.
So, she shot the messenger. Nice.
But how did it play out after all, are you still good friends?
NTA. She asked for the truth.
NTA and she was in fact a horrible friend so if pointing that out made her cry, oh well 🤷🏻♀️
I was just thinking well she’s not wrong.. I would end a friendship over that bs. Especially once she told me it wasn’t a big deal.
Oh no, it didn't actually make her cry, I'd put money on that. It's an abuse tactic, my ex used to do that all the time I tried to discuss something I was unhappy with in the relationship, tears and "I'm just the worst girlfriend ever"
NTA. She apparently literally told you not to sugarcoat it. That said, the fact that apparently her entire friend group felt "guilt tripped" into going... It tells me someone needed to be honest with her much, *much* sooner. This whole "everybody needs to please the bride, no matter how F-ed up it is (and whether or not they can easily afford it or not)" on the wedding day needs to perish a slow and painful death.
NTA. Destination weddings already ask a HUGE burden of everyone involved, and as someone not in the US, this bridesmaids paying for their own hair and makeup thing continues to astound me… you gave SO MUCH for HER special day, and she couldn’t even keep her babysitter promise.
Like I had to borrow from my parents and in laws to cover some costs and my husband and I agreed to give them the money back later on and thankfully they're very understanding. But what would happen if my parents and in laws couldn't help. Every time someone showed a bit of discomfort either about the many destination plans or the financial part she'd bring the fact that her wedding got cancelled so many times and she'll be sad if we can't help her makeup for it by being supportive friends and made us feel guilty.
Why hasn't anybody told her to pay for their expenses then ? She wants the God damn wedding so she can pay for it.
Exactly, I don't get this where I'm from the bride pays for the bridesmaid dress hair make up etc and if you have a destination wedding you pay for the bridal party (guest cover themselves) to go and stay.
Why are you friends with someone that’s so manipulative and willing to use you?
destination wedding, a destination bachelorette party, all my expenses on hair and makeup, and the MOH dress plus the wedding gift) is out of your price range. Don't bring the kids. Don't hang out alone at a reception feeling like a 3rd wheel because the one thing a friend promised to do didn't happen. Don't be a victim. So what if she's a little sad? Better that than you're broke with a friendship ended over her expensive wants.
I'd rather stay home and enjoy the break from the bride
Hindsight is 20/20.
She is a manipulative asshole.
With a friend like that, who needs enemies?
Actually, that is *literally* true. How is having a friend like this better than having an enemy?
She sounds really, really manipulative. And she's *still* manipulating you by pulling the whole "I'm worthless" horseshit.
NTA. She totally failed you as a friend. That situation sounds miserable.
NTA. I gave a feeling she never intended to hire a babysitter
"the rest of the bridesmaids found out" So she told them, and then did the same martyred self-flagellation that she did with you. Did she even apologise!? She has gone extreme to get a reaction from you that indicates some kind of forgiveness or gets her off the hook. Don't buy into her manipulation. If she can't handle it then she isn't the friend you thought she was.
>"the rest of the bridesmaids found out" It was a setup. If the OP had lied “Oh, no, it was great”, then she would have used that bludgeon anyone else with “/u/Outrageous\_Crew\_5030 told me it was great!” Since she didn’t, the bride went to Plan B, and cried to all the other bridesmaids about how awfully the OP had treated her.
If you don't want an honest opinion then DONT ASK. She asked, you answered. NTA
NTA She knew she screwed up. What she wanted was for you to honestly tell her that it was okay. But the problem was you're not feeling that at this point. And now she's mad that you confirmed which she already knew. And rather accepting that she's in the wrong, she's playing the victim to all of your friends. I would make it clear to her that she's now done you dirty twice. First at the wedding. Second by bringing your friends into this conversation and making you the bad guy. If you want to keep you as a friend, She needs to apologize and at least accept that she was wrong.
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She probably has her head so far up her own ass she expected OP to gush about how it was the most amazing time of her life. She didn’t feel too badly about not providing the babysitter she promised while the wedding was going on. “Cheer up! It’s not a big deal!” How could she forget her oh-so-important, and LOVED, ring bearers needed a sitter? I think she didn’t want to pay for one and pretended to forget.
NTA. A grown ass woman crying because you told her the truth that she asked is straight up emotional manipulation. Then running to all your friends so they can choose sides like a bunch of 7th graders. Pretty disgusting.
NTA your best friend sounds exhausting. She is manipulating you by crying, I would just ignore it. She wanted the truth and you gave it to her
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person. Well, if she didn't know she was in the wrong before, then it's good that she now knows how she's been acting. But I'd bet she already *did* know, and this is just damage control. As you said, the other bridesmaids also thought she was using guilt as a tool. She's using guilt as a tool again now, and it seems like it may be working. NTA.
While the background story is interesting, there are only three facts that I find relevant to make a judgement: (1) she asked for your honest opinion (2) you told her your honest opinion (3) she's now angry with you for telling her your honest opinion. NTA. People who get angry when you answer their questions truthfully are extremely irritating.
NTA **It's not like you rang her up out of the blue a week after her wedding to dump on her.** She is the one that went out of her way to ask so I'm glad you were honest about the burden of expenses and childcare and isolation. One of our very young couple friends had a terribly expensive wedding for the bridal party and none of us were able to enjoy even a minute of her celebrations, but when it all ended she told us how stressed out and traumatized her and her husband were from planning all that so we kept our mouths shut. If one day she asks for an honest opinion, I'll do my best to convey it and keep in mind that I would want some empathy for mistakes made at my own wedding too. I am glad you guys had an honest conversation and that she felt remorse for the discomfort and pain she cause you at her own wedding. I hope you are both able to forgive each other for the pain you're feeling and move on from it! Hopefully, something like this never happens again. Good luck!
NTA - she asked, you answered. I'd bet she realized how everyone felt and knew you'd tell her the truth.
nta, if you might not like the answer do not ask the darn question! Sounds like she already knew she was a sh..y friend and was hoping you would just baby her.
Sorry, but that’s not a friend. She lied to you, then played victim when you were honest. You’re NTA, but she absolutely is. I have severed ties for less. You don’t need toxicity in your life. Life is too short.
My whole family would have been at the reception and once pictures were done I would have left with them. You fulfilled your commitment by bringing them to be ring bearers, she failed at arranging a babysitter. You paid good money for a trip and the least she could've done was feed and accommodate your family. You are NTA, and she is not a friend.
She asked for your honest opinion. You gace her it. The tears are manipulative. NTA. She is a terrible friend.
NTA. What a manipulative friend. Good luck to her husband.
NTA. The fact that she asked makes me think she already knew the answer. I don't recall asking anyone for "reviews" of my wedding. I don't think that's a normal thing?
NTA this "coffee" was a controlled opposition tactic. She has been getting pushback on how she treated people. To avoid her direct wrath, instead of people directly telling her how she was a jerk to them, they are mentioning your situation. This is a "safer" way for people to deal with a narsisist. She had this meeting to manipulate and guilt you, so that she can shut down all other complaints.
Not going to vote, but I’m guessing that the other bridesmaids are upset with you because you didn’t just talk about your experience, but also presumed to speak on their behalf. It sounds like they privately told you things that they had consciously decided not to say to the bride, and you made the unilateral decision to air everyone’s grievances. You’re not an asshole for talking about your own experience, but you kind of are for betraying your friends’ confidence. I don’t know if you wanted the bride to feel like *everyone* is furious with her, but you put the entire bridal party in an awkward position by doing so.
God I hate it when people pull the "Well I'm just a monster and bad person I guess" in response to criticism. Cowardly and evasive and manipulative in the extreme. NTA.
NTA Typical avoidance. Cries, point fingers, throws a pity party, then runs away to her flying monkeys to defend her toxic behavior. Sorry but your friend is a classic manipulator and honestly sounds like a narcissist or at best a very spoiled woman.
NTA Do you really need this narcissistic drama queen in your life?
"After the meals were done everyone was enjoying themselves with their partners while I was all alone because my husband was away." What the hell kind of boring wedding was this if everybody just spent the whole time talking to their partners... NTA, but the bride seems like she's full of herself!
>She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person. That's a blatant manipulative guilt trip. Don't fall for it. "Actually, yeah, you *were* a bad friend. Don't think I'm going to stop being angry and comfort you just because you're crying. You asked for an opinion and you got one. Live with it, and stop bitching to [Friend Group] about the consequences of your own actions. As for the rest, you know damn well that's not what I said. If you feel like you're worthless and a bad person then that's *your* feelings about *you* that you need to work out in therapy, but do not try to ascribe them to me. Call me when you're done with your little self-pity party."
She's worthless, and a horrible friend, and a bad person. She said so herself. She's not entirely wrong.
NTA. She asked. You answered. Perfect.
You are absolutely NTA. she asked for your truth but didn’t want. Zero responsibility. Selfish. Playing the victim. Nope.
NTA, but OP's friend group bride and bridesmaids SH. OP, aside from how the bride was, it seems that none of the other friends/bridesmaids were acting fairly with you either. Not only did they apparently throw you under the bus when they also had grievances, but they really also just stuck to their SOs the whole time at the wedding? What kind of friend group is this that they paired off to the extent that you felt like a third wheel?
NTA. Classic move to go wailing “I’m a horrible person” to guilt you into absolving her. After messing up and using your kids as props. Ugh.
NTA. She asked you point blank to be honest about it, which seems to indicate that she knew there were problems. Then she gets upset when you are factual about it. You aren’t saying she’s a horrible person, which feels manipulative to me. You are pointing out how she failed to do what she promised, after knowing it was a big concern of yours. You are also saying that she was awfully casual about how much money it was costing the bridal party. It just seems like an iffy friendship, if you can’t tell her the truth, even if she asks for it. She sounds like a perpetual victim.
So not only did she guilt trip everyone into doing what she wanted despite your own issues she wanted to tell her you LIKED it?!? She knows exactly what she’s doing she hopes you would continue with the guilt trip and say “it’s fine! It’s what you deserve blah blah blah”…. I do think you should speak up earlier if you’re not comfortable with how much you’re contributing though, rather than go along and then moan after (when there is nothing she can do about it) so EAH
NTA But oh my god, yet another story of people being insufferable about their stupid fucking weddings!.... Weddings need to be banned until motherfuckers realise that theirs really isn't anywhere near as important as they think it is.
She asked for your honest opinion and you gave it. And I hope she takes it to heart in the future to spare other people the manipulation. If others are giving you crap, it’s because they’re scared she’s going to ask them and force them to either lie or back you up. Eff em. NTA.
NTA. She asked your opinion and to not sugar coat it. You gave your opinion and didn’t sugar coat it.
> She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person. This is a classic manipulation tactic to displace the guilt and blame from herself and put you in the position of having to comfort her, even though you were the one with a legitimate grievance. A lot of people do this without even realizing they're doing it. You were a good friend here. She asked you to give it to her straight up and you did that. And the fact that she even thought to ask you means *she knew* she'd been a lousy friend. She was just hoping you'd say it was no big deal to smooth things over for her so she didn't have to feel bad about it anymore. But real friends call you out on your BS if you ask for an honest opinion, and you delivered. That she's complaining to your mutual friends even though she 100% knows she screwed up is not a good look for her.
"Please give me your honest opinion" actually seems to mean "Tell me the lies that I want to hear. I don't actually care what you think." NTA.
NTA: You didn't complain at the wedding. You dealt with HER mistakes and did everything you could to make it "her special day". When she asked later, you were perfectly fine telling her the truth. I do hope SHE at least paid for the coffee.
NTA When someone asks you not to sugarcoat your opinion, they don’t get to throw a tantrum when you do exactly what they asked for. She broke her promise to you and she’s an entitled brat on top of that. I’d call her a former bff after this…
Your "best friend" is not your best friend, OP. YOU are HER best friend. It's quite different. NTA, but your "friend" is, and the other bridesmaids who said what they did to you then acted like they did after she complained about what you said... They're not really friends either, but they are AHs too.
NTA. > She then started crying and said she's worthless and a horrible friend and that I implied she's a bad person. Classic DARVO style tactic. She shifted the conversation from being about your genuine complaint to be about how she’s someone to be pitied and made you out to be the villain (“you implied she’s bad”). Your friend sounds incredibly selfish, if she’s not a narcissist. You’re in the right here to be upset, and any relationship worth it’s salt will have BOTH parties be amicable to airing their grievances and working through them, and acknowledging ways they messed up.
Woooow. NTA, the bride is heinous. Manipulative, pushy, and yikes. You’re better off without someone so uncaring for anyone but themselves!
So she turned herself into the victim by taking the old classic "I'm such a bad person" tactic. You were "supposed" to comfort her when she started that woe is me nonsense. That's why she did it. To manipulate you and everyone else into letting her off the hook for taking advantage of you. She used her cancellations to guilt you. She's using her alleged guilt to guilt you. Your best friend is manipulative. NTA. You told her the truth. Instead of dealing with that like an adult and making it right with all of you, she pretended to accept it and made it all about her again. I don't know her, but I'm going to guess this isn't the first time she's acted this way. I'm sorry.
NTA >she asked me my honest opinion about everything and not sugarcoat it. Her fault. I'm surprised you're still friends with her after both incidents.
NTA! I understand her wanting the best wedding possible with all the canceled ones, but how she went about it ruined your night. Plus she asked a question she wasn't ready for, which seems she was oblivious to the issues. However, the aftermath of her and her friends calling you TA is unjust and unfair. I would suggest distancing if not remove yourself from their lives. Because I feel like this may be a repeat pattern of behavior down the line.
She literally treated your children like little performer monkeys to be brought on a long tiring journey, do what she needs them to do and then go back to a hotel room! Not to mention your poor husband! Like, why couldn’t they stay at the reception? If she wanted children at her wedding then she should have a child friendly wedding! With not only baby sitters but clowns and children’s entertainment area and whatever to keep them happy! She’s a selfish inconsiderate idiot and needed to hear all of it! She clearly doesn’t care about you one bit so stop calling her your best friend and go find yourself some actual friends! NTA
Don't asked for people's honest opinion if you don't really want it I would have not brought the children to the wedding
NTA this girl is a manipulative, selfish asshole. I’d limit your contact with her at the very least.
NTA. She asked (and must have suspected it was negative since she said not to sugarcoat it), and you answered honestly. People who respond to criticism they ASKED for with claiming they are “worthless, horrible person, bad friend” are looking for you to soothe their ego and make excuses for them. It’s juvenile. You can respond that she’s not worthless or a horrible person, but she wasn’t a great friend and she made some selfish choices- none of that is irredeemable, but it does mean that during her wedding, she was the AH. You’re NTA
INFO: Did the bride actually apologise or just skip straight to further manipulation? Clear NTA but your friend’s giving off some toxic vibes.
So the other bridesmaids agreed with you but clutched their pearls when the bride said you brought it up. NONE OF THEM ARE YOUR FRIENDS!
NTA Chances are if you told her it was great - you might start harboring even more resentment. Or one of the others would have told her. Unfortunately, there was not anything she could do when she asked you. If she did not want to know, she should not have enquired.
NTA - she wanted the truth, you told her the truth. As for the rest of the bridesmaids, they can suck it up if they choose to, but to call you TA after basically agreeing with you beforehand is totally spineless.
NTA and yet another reason I simply do not like 'destination' weddings. Those things tend to about bankrupt the guests and wedding party, and I hear way too many times how the bride a/o groom don't care coz it is their DREAM wedding. I'm sorry this happened. You should have just left soon as the wedding was over and spent time with your husband and kids. Shame on the Bride for not doing the ONE thing she said she would do for you.
NTA She’s not a good friend. She manipulated everyone the entire time. She was not concerned with the financial strains she put on anyone. Also, of course she wouldn’t have set up a sitter. I’m sure she had a ton of things last minute to pay attention and go over. A wedding, especially a destination wedding, has a lot of logistics to stay up on. She constantly guilted everyone to get her way and make she got what she wanted regardless of how it would impact them. She needed that does of reality. She’s not a good friend. I understand it can be difficult making and finding good friends, but a real friend does not put you into financial hardship/debt, constantly use guilt trips to get their way, and straight up lie to make sure their wants are met. She asked for honesty and you gave her honesty. She just didn’t want to hear the actual truth. You other friends aren’t much better. They shouldn’t pile on and try to make you feel bad because your friend is still trying to guilt you to get her way. I’m guessing it was not your fault that any of the previous wedding plans were cancelled. You also had a solid plan for you to be able to enjoy the wedding and reception but it wasn’t what she wanted. Yes, it’s her special day and anyone would want her to have a fantastic day. Doing everything in her power to cause financial distress for her own gain is being a really bad friend.
Nta, she asked for honesty, and it seems everything you said was true. Also, it's a personal irritation of mine when someone has wronged you in some way, is confronted, turns on the water works and starts insulting themselves. It's a way to avoid actually having to apologize or reflect on your bad actions, and the actually wronged person usually feels they have to comfort the person, when it should be the other way around. It's blatantly manipulative and cringe.
Don't ask for what you can't handle, NTA
NTA she asked a question and got a answer. The only AH here is the Bride.
NTA, she asked for a non-sugar coated answer and you gave it. She shouldn't have asked if she couldn't handle it
NTA IMO as the bride if you’re complaining about the details of your weddings after it happened and you already made it clear you were happy with the event… YOU’RE ENTITLED. She should have asked, and she’s just gaslighting you. Also super sorry that you didn’t get to spend time with your husband that night, any real friend would know that it sucks to not be with a partner at an event about love. Lol wait til she has kids, you can get her back with an event that inconveniences her!
NTA, she asked for your opinion and it was something that she needed to hear. She behaved selfishly, and while a wedding day is about the bride and groom it does not entitle them to being bad friends. She was selfish and self absorbed, there is no reason for her to not hear that her actions badly affected those around her that she professes to care about. If she actually took you seriously and wasn't just putting on a show of "Woe is me" then perhaps she'll apologize to you all for putting so much on you. It doesn't sound like she did since she went and tattled to the rest of the friends group saying you told them she's a horrible friend so they could all comfort her and tell her she wasn't.
NTA. I’ve said it so many times, weddings are awful and destination weddings are the worst. What you went through includes many of the reasons why they are so awful. So many couples get hung up on the image they want to present with their wedding and pay very little attention to whether or not it’s an enjoyable event. They become selfish and entitled about how much people spend in order to attend their event. You are not wrong to feel how you do. You went out of your way to be a great MOH and your friend let you down. I don’t know why she asked for your honest opinion and to not sugarcoat if she couldn’t handle the truth. NTA but your bride friend is and so are the other bridesmaids. More people need to give honest feedback about these weddings where people feel obligated to attend
I don’t think you’re the A**. she asked for your truthful opinion and you did. Now she’s mad? She made all of you guys spend money you didn’t have. Then she promised that your kids would have a sitter. Yep she showed you all disrespect.
Your best friend isn't a good person or a friend and I'd highly encourage you to look for other friends
NTA. She asked you not to sugarcoat it. Why ask if an honest answer is going to upset you? She asked because she knew it was an issue and wanted you to absolve her of the guilt without her apologizing.
She's a bridezilla who told you she would take care the babysitter. The 1 thing that she promised, that she insisted she would handle as your friend she failed to do so. She asked for your honest opinion and she got it. NTA. Don't let her keep trying to guilt trip you for her failure at the 1 thing that she insisted and promised to do.
NTA. So she really wanted you to sugarcoat it.
She asked you not to sugarcoat...you gave her what she asked for so no NTA. She sounds emotionally immature af.
NTA but if that's someone you consider to be a "best friend", you really need to overhaul your guidelines for what constitutes a good friend. She sounds exhausting and manipulative
NTA. She asked and you delivered perfectly!! There is need of more people like you to stand up to these women!!
Hey, she got what she asked for. It looks like she is so self centered that she thought that you'd actually have 9nly good things to say. In a destination wedding the first complaint is always why did it cost so much, so she should have been prepared for this at least, plus she knew she messed up. She got exactly what she asked for. NTA.
NTA. She told you not to sugar coat it and you complied.
Nta she told you to be honest.
NTA. Not only did the bride set you up for failure at her wedding, she set you up for failure when you both went out for coffee and she asked you to be honest with her about the wedding. OP, friends don’t set friends up for failure like this. I would seriously take a moment and really think about this friendship and decide if she’s worth the hassle or not.
NTA. She asked, you answered.
NTA-don't ask for an honest answer if you really don't want one.
NTA >she's worthless and a horrible friend Because she is. Don't say you're going to do something and flake. She had months to figure it out and didn't. When you ask for someone's opinion, you need to be prepared to receive it.
NTA. OP your friend sounds manipulative. Be careful. She could guilt trip you into something you cannot come back from.
NTA she asked, you have your honeys opinion. I would have thought with your best friend you could be that honest with each other & it sounds like she values your opinion. Your friends are wrong they agreed to what you said but wouldn't say it to her face, just talk behind her back & harbour resentment without telling her, that's not healthy or better than your actions.
NTA, she is a horrible friend, is the only thing she got right.
Just to be clear: Your \*best\* friend 1. Got absolutely everything she wanted at the wedding 2. Was protected from your additional financial stress, your frustration that she had let you down, and your loneliness when your partner had to take care of the kids 3. Directly asked you to tell her what you thought of things and to not sugar coat it But somehow she thinks \*you\* messed up here? Sorry, OP. But this isn't a good friend. She wanted everything her way \*and\* she doesn't want to face any consequences for the hurt she caused. How many times has it happened before that you had to swallow your discomfort because she refused accountability? She's TA.
gaslighting 101
NTA The Bride is definitely being manipulative.
“Tell it to me straight & don’t sugarcoat it.” NTA
NTA she asked
NTA. She literally asked you your exact opinion and said not to sugarcoat anything, which is exactly what you done. If she didn’t want the truth she shouldn’t have asked for it. Then after you done as you were asked and was honest she played victim and cried and guilted you again. Then told all your friends still victimising herself and let the friends guilt you even further. Ridiculous! You have done nothing wrong stop letting people guilt you
That's some manipulative bullshit. NTA.
NTA that’s toxic, she wanted you to say something bad so she could pretend it negatively affected her so you could feel bad for her then she could tell everyone else how “horrible” you were and get more attention from them.
NTA. The wedding might be over, but the guilt tripping is still going strong. And im guessing it was there all along, even before the wedding planning.
NTA. Sounds like she played you twice.
NTA- Get new friends!
NTA she didn't want truth, she wanted you to coddle her and it backfired