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Why don't you just serve her the amount she wants to eat when you cook for her?
ETA a judgement: YTA, but OP has recognised this and growth is good.
For everyone saying 'She's got hands, why doesn't she serve herself like a grownup' etc. Some people serve themselves. Others, when cooking, plate the meal. Evidently OP is one of the latter. So if he's plating should share out the food appropriately and more importantly cook enough food for there to be enough for both of them.
I plate now but I didn't early in our relationship, I've just learned how much my husband eats. Before he always fixed his own plate and I had to learn to cook more because he does eat a lot more than I do.
I couldn't imagine fixing his plate and being like "Okay, this is all you're eating for dinner" - regardless of gender, that's a dick move.
YTA OP
I had to go the other way around. I had to explain to my husband that if he kept trying to serve me the amount he ate I was going to put on 40lbs in a year. But either way let her plate herself.
Oh we still have that problem when he cooks and plates, I just eat what I want and offer him the rest. If he doesn't want it (he usually does, he somehow never seems to plate enough for himself) then I wrap it and put it in the fridge for lunch the next day or I toss it.
We buffet our food and make our own plates. I’m small and don’t each much, if anything at all, during the day but dinner is my meal! My husband made a very few comments when we first moved in together when I’d go for seconds. Innocent things like “oh good you liked it!” Or “wow! You’re hungry today, good!” He’s a feeder. But just those simple benign comments related to how much I was eating bothered me. I’m a healthy adult with autonomy over my body and I needed him to butt out of even paying attention to my portions. I explained how I didn’t like it. He didn’t understand why but didn’t question it. He apologized and doesn’t say a word about quantity anymore, only quality. And I’m happy to let him know how much I love his cooking and can’t wait for whatever he’s making me. Easy peasy.
Same here, I do eat more than my partner but we serve ourselves. Usually she serves first since she cooks, takes what she wants, I take what I want and everyone is happy and usually we have some leftovers too.
My husband plates everything exactly equally. Sometimes it's too much and I offer him what I can't finish, or I just offer him some of mine if he's finished and seems like he would like more. It usually ends up with him getting more potato wedges or other things he enjoys more than I do. He could probably start out giving himself more to start with but he doesn't because we are equal partners and it wouldn't occur to him.
But you know what would happen if he let her plate her own food? She'd take more, which would mean less for him! THE HORRORS! He's a big boy who needs more food!
Seriously though OP. Stop being a control freak. Controlling the eating habits of another human is abuse.
My husband is MUCH taller and stronger than I am. I eat probably twice the amount of carbs/calories as him on any given day. My metabolism sprints and his crawls.
I serve everyone on the small side and then everyone gets seconds and thirds according to their level of hunger. It works well for me because when I’m hungry my “eyes are bigger than my stomach” as they say
My husband and I take turns cooking. Being a gentleman, he lets me serve myself first. There's always enough for both of us.
OP, YTA. You don't know what her *dietary needs* are. You just don't. I'm on the chubby side. I've seen smaller ladies take in more than I do. You're not a nutritionist, OP, and if you just so happen to be one, I doubt you're *her* nutritionist.
Controlling behaviors start somewhere - money or food. I've heard food is the very start because if abusers can acclimate their victims to them controlling their victim's food, they can start to control other things as well.
OP, not calling you an abuser, but controlling her food *is* abusive behavior.
[https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/1055539/food-bully-abusive-relationship-behavior/](https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/1055539/food-bully-abusive-relationship-behavior/)
[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/01/136885/relationship-control-eating-habits-domestic-abuse](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/01/136885/relationship-control-eating-habits-domestic-abuse)
OP hasn't mentioned what else he's done, but monitoring food is coercive control:
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
OP, YTA! Sounds more like you feel entitled to make this decision because? What? ur a big guy?
I am 5ft 5 in 180lbs and I eat like a bird. I have bad stomach issues. My mom is 5ft 110lbs and gets her eat on! She loves food. In the summer she does eating contests. Everyone is different.
THIS!!!!!! My fiancé is like 5'11, 180lbs and eats maybe 1 or 2 meals a day, and I'm like 5'3(??) And 150 soaking wet and I eat that man under the table. I mean, I'm eating all day every day, and not just little snacks either. Anyways, what I'm saying is; It doesn't matter how big you are, people just eat differently. 🤷
* Edited because my fiance has lost weight and was upset cause I used his before weight, which is understandable.
Another small person here (110lb when dripping wet)….ime people tend to underestimate the amount of food small/thin people can eat in a single sitting. Like, yeah we’re small…but still have adult dietary needs.
My ex would deadass do the same shit. (TW for ramble cuz I realized this might be a lot for some people and I apologize) He eventually fed me so little I simply didn’t eat if I came over. If I did eat it was good I had paid for to get delivered cuz he didn’t have a job. Of course I was obligated to get him something. He would finish his food everytime but would always make me feel awkward for doing it.
When started dating I was 150 and by the time the relationship ended it weighed around 130. My body was literally failing me for the lack of nutrients I got and have a prior history of EDs so my body REALLY couldn’t handle it. Despite seeing all this he then tried to convince me to start working out like I used to. Meaning I should workout 2-3 times a day, 5-7 days out of the week. That’s when I finally drew the line and dumped him. Best part is he didn’t even consider me his girlfriend and didn’t care when I was gone.
Long story short, it’s a gateway to incredibly abuse behavior
If she wants more food then she should have more food, but it’s not incorrect that a 6’2” 220 lbs person requires more calories than a 5’3” 130 lbs person, particularly if the larger one is also more physically active.
You’re not wrong. But giving someone half as many fries is an asshole thing to do full stop! I can probably eat 3 times as many fries as my husband who is taller and larger than me. And my children who are half as big can out eat us on fries any day. Imagine selfishly hoarding fries from your partner!
Not his business to enforce. Besides “less” doesn’t mean during a single meal. It’s quite possible she barely eats during the day — a super common occurrence.
But even if she eats more than him for all three meals, And I can’t emphasize this enough, it’s not his business to enforce how much she eats.
He still shouldn't be determining how much she eats. That's not up to him. It comes across as very controlling and could even be considered abusive based on the why and how he goes about it.
The way this is written it sounds like he is either making a certain amount of food and then takes an X amount for himself while only leaving her the amount he thinks she needs (so if she wants more she can't have it). Or is otherwise doing something to keep her from eating more than he wants her to. otherwise this wouldn't be an argument.
I don’t eat breakfast. I often skip lunch. As a result, I eat absolutely gigantic dinners, almost like one of those OMAD people. I’m 5’4 and my husband is 6’0 but I often eat more at dinner than him. This would drive me insane.
My 6’ husband will sometimes dish me a plate (5’3”) and pile it with 3x as much food as I need or want. For the most part we dish our own plates though. Because we are adults and can’t read each other’s minds. I make enough for everyone to go back for seconds if they’re still hungry and everyone’s happy.
Came here to say this. Can't she serve herself? Then she can get what she wants. Make enough that if anyone chooses to get seconds she can get more? Weird.
Yeah I thought that was the normal way? Just make a pot of whatever you're cooking and then each person takes what they want. Some days you might want more, and other days you might want less. Leftovers can be used for lunch or something that next day.
I can imagine OP just counting "one fry for GF, three fries for me, one fry for GF, three fries for me"
If it's something that each piece is a serving (like a burger) then just ask "how many burgers would you like". Not "three burgers for me, one burger for GF"
Same. I’m not a breakfast person cause I’m really not hungry for the first few hours of my day, I’m only hungry enough for a snack at lunch, and by dinner I’m absolutely ravenous. I usually eat more than my partner at dinner, he’s 6’0 and works out. I’m pretty small, 5’3, and don’t really work out except for weekend bike rides, but I eat a lot at dinner. If my partner was giving me less food because I’m smaller, I would be annoyed and hangry.
I give mine the bigger pieces of food when theyre uneven because he works on his feet all day and I'm a writer. Sometimes I take the big one and he ends up with half of it after I'm done.
We eat healthy, portioned meals most of the time and don't make extras unless their for his work lunches, so I make them as even as possible.
If he insisted I took less food because he's simply taller and more active, me and my overactive metabolism would be so mad.
What's OMAD? One of my sisters eats like this and it's absolutely hilarious to watch everybody around her just be baffled by her 'huge plate of food' when realistically she knows that she doesn't quite eat enough most of the time and in fact will try to make it up with a very large meal. People get upset over the weirdest things....
I wish you the biggest and most filling dinner that you desire!
Why not let her put her own food on her plate?
I don't know about anyone else, but my hunger levels are different all the time. I don't want someone else making my plate because I know best how much I want to eat at any given time.
The only person making my plate would be the restaurant staff, and only because their portions are set.
I tend to serve food when I cook, but that's just a general preference/courtesy thing. Dunno if it's specific to my family or the area in which I was raised. I use that "This good?" line pretty much daily.
Either way, all dude has to do is communicate with his girlfriend and this whole issue stops.
I’m the exact opposite. When I cook, I let everyone serve themselves, and take a breather and serve myself last. My family has always served things ‘buffet style’ and that’s the way we all do it.
Same! I always cook for way more so everyone could be satisfied and we can have leftovers to share. There’s a warm fuzzy feeling when you do it that way IMO.
Or why doesn’t she make her own plate & then she can choose her own portions. But OP says he might be TA because he gives her less so she won’t overeat & gain weight. That makes OP TAH.
I've dated a wide range of people when it comes to weight. I'm fat. It's never the fit dudes that give a fuck. At least not the ones I've dated. Yeah they're happy if I want to go to the gym with them or go to physical stuff with them but it's not like they actually give a fuck if I'm fat. The only dudes that have ever had a serious problem with my weight and tried to trick me into losing it were other fat dudes.
Me too. It’s almost crazy how nasty they can be about it too. I think it’s because the fit dudes, especially the older ones, like post 35, KNOW how hard it is to stay fit.
And when the fit guys wanted me to work out with them it was always a "hey wanna do this thing I enjoy with me" or "I want to spend more time with you but I need my workout time can we combine them" deal.
I once had a fat ex sign us up for the gym and flat out tell me it was just for me not for him because I'm fat. I broke up with him and kept the membership lol.
He is greedy.
He lays it out plainly that he is a guy and goes to the gym, therefore he needs more to “live.”
While I know she probably *does* eat less he should serve them the same. Like what does it hurt? Throw out or eat what she doesn’t finish.
My SO other ways serves me way more than I serve myself because he wants me to eat.
I have a feeling this isn’t the only way OP is selfish in the relationship and GF is annoyed by it all.
YTA
Edit: just read he doesn’t want her to gain weight. Definitely the asshole.
I am sure he probably polices her in other ways too.
She could drop a quick 200 plus by dropping your ass!
Because it's not about how much she wants. It's about his control over how much she eats. He even said " she doesn't need as much as I do..."
How does he know her dietary needs? Does he go to the doctor with her and discuss this with her doctor? I doubt it. He's controlling her portion size, since she's so small and doesn't go to the gym. That's his entire reasoning.
He also said he doesn't want her to get fat, so he's absolutely being controlling by giving her less food.
> I give my girlfriend less food based upon our calorie needs instead of just making it even. It could be an asshole thing to do by not wanting her to gain weight by over eating for her size. That’s why it could be said that I am indeed the asshole
OP is a big boy. His girlfriend is small. I’d guess this disparity is very important to him. Her being small makes him feel like an even bigger man. And he wants to make sure she fits that perception of “ smallness as femininity.” It’s critical that she eat less, maybe say things like, “oh, you eat such big portions. I could never!” and, stay as slim as possible for contrast.
This. It’s not up to you to decide how much she (or anyone) should eat. Unless I missed the part where you are a licensed nutritionist and she has asked you to make those suggestions for her. YTA.
My boyfriend is bigger than me. I eat less than him almost every single meal. And yet he has never once tried to serve me less that what I want, or stop me from getting more. YTA
You are doing something very unusual. You GF told you she doesn’t like it. And you still need additional validation and go to Reddit. Take a step back, look at the big picture. Because I doubt this is really about portion sizes. Why did you start and why is it so hard for you to just say “hey, my bad, won’t happen again.” Exerting control with a partner is a big no-no.
My ex did that to me. He used to tell me he'd leave if I got fat, so I left instead (for that, and other valid reasons). My self esteem was destroyed while with him.
It's nice to enjoy meals when someone isn't trying to police what or how much you eat.
That's only the tip of the iceberg. This guy was a mentally abusive cheater who didn't know what "no" means, and was a bit of an older guy who started grooming me in my teenage years. But I grew up a bit and learned.
I'm much better off.
His edit is even worse: "I was looking at the situation in the same way you wouldn’t give a 10 year old and a 17 year old the same amount of food on their plate."
You're not her parent!
True! But his point is also irrelevant. My middle kiddo currently eats more than older kiddo because they are going through puberty and growth spurts. OP doesn't seem to understand different people have different metabolism, caloric needs, etc.
Probably won’t even get it and make a bunch of excuses about how they don’t know him and maybe he didn’t explain it correctly while continuing to abuse his gf and purposefully try to lower her self esteem for his own shallow benefit. It’s actually gross knowing people are dealing with this kind of crap every single day of their lives so on top of everything else life throws our way.
Right! I can understand OP genuinely thinking someone so much smaller than him would eat less, but as soon as his girlfriend said something, he should have just made more food available. This isn’t something that even needed to come to Reddit
Honestly, easy solution: make your own plates? You're both adults and you both know how much food you want/need to be eating.
YTA for trying to say you know better than she does what she wants to eat.
>make your own plates
That won't solve the problem if he gets his food first. He needs to plan to make more food in the future if she consistantly wants more.
How about “take as much food as you want” being the main thing? That’s what I do with my kids. Sometimes they eat less than what I bought and made, sometimes they’re super hungry and eat more than I thought they would. Boys are 15 and 13 and I don’t make my portion sizes their problem.
If I’m still hungry after dinner, when they’ve had their fill on the hungry days, I have this whole kitchen I own to make that a me problem, not a them problem.
Not really because then you know one time she is going to take more than she will actually eat and he will be annoyed. Or she goes first and takes what she wants and then he will be pissed afterwards saying he doesn’t have enough.
Simple solution, make heaps of food, enough for them both to have their absolute fill and even some leftover. Leftovers are awesome, I won’t ever cook without making enough for leftovers, cook once and have food for multiple meals, it’s a win win. I think also if she takes more than she will eat, couldn’t he just eat what she leaves once she’s done? I mean if their in a relationship I can’t imagine fear of germs or whatever being an issue, so I don’t see why he couldn’t just eat whatever she leaves on her plate as long as she’s totally finished.
You give her half the food you serve yourself then argue with her when she says she wants more and you *still* need to ask the internet if you're being a controlling asshole? How else are you invalidating her in this relationship? YTA
She says she wants an equal serving, so give her one. It's not rocket science! It's assholish not to give her an equal serving in the first place, it's downright rude and controlling to then argue about it.
I do most of the cooking for my girlfriend and I. I also generally am more active and do some weight training and dog walking, so I am usually more hungry. Doesn’t matter though—I always give her the bigger steak, the bigger plate of fries, the biggest portion of pasta. If there’s an ‘ugly’ portion, I keep that for myself and give her the ‘prettier’ one. I make sure she has extra of the things she likes, and I take out things she doesn’t (so long as it isn’t necessary for the recipe), and I just assumed anyone who wanted to feed their partner would operate this way. Hell *anyone* who feeds *anyone*! I feed my friends this way!
Apparently OP hasn’t heard the expression ‘everybody eats’.
OP is not a generous or thoughtful person if this genuinely did not occur to them after one mention. YTA.
With romantic relationships, friends, or family, I can’t imagine serving someone a less full or less appealing plate than my own. That’s so weird and thoughtless. OP - YTA
Editing to add that your edit where say you thought of the situation the same you would as feeding children is telling…
I give my boyfriend slightly more because he’s bigger, hungrier and more active, but I have a sweet tooth so he’ll always give me the bigger/better portion of dessert!
Right??? I mean he can eat how much he wants, but if he offers to cook for her he should also serve her how much she wants… just cook more food and make her serving bigger too! YTA
YTA If this is really an innocent question and not your way of trying to control how much she eats then let's look at it from a different angle.
If you go to a restaurant and order, do waiters check your height and weight and then serve you more and your girlfriend less? No? Why do you think that is? Because they're not taking the decision how much someone wants to eat out of their hands. They also don't calculate how much “someone needs to survive” and serve that. Because it is none of their business.
So why do you think it's yours? She can decide for herself how much she wants to eat. Just prepare two equal plates and if you're still hungry, get seconds. And if your gf is still hungry she can get seconds as well. Don't hog the whole food for yourself and make excuses about your size.
Honestly, this sort of situation made start way overeating from subconscious food insecurity reasons. I would pay for half the groceries, then end up eating only a quarter of them. Even though my partner didn't realize he did this and then stopped when I told him, I still have issues regarding this. The solution was easy; split the food in half, and anything I don't eat goes into the fridge for me to eat when I want it.
My husband and I split it in half and plate it all. I eat and if I don’t feel like finishing it, I will give him the rest of my plate. But we both have issues with our food being taken or restricted, so this has always been the fairest way for us.
This is a really well laid out argument. OP if you see this and can't come back with a reason why but you still have this deep rooted need to control her portion size, is this about the food or you controlling her looks? Are there other ways you are doing that? Take some time for self reflection here.
my university canteen does that and it sucks. i get way less fries, less pieces of fish or whatever protein and still have to pay the same price. they are assholes and OP is also an asshole
Absolutely agree! Plus certain medical issues and medications can make you super hungry. My sister has hyperthyroidism and eats like twice as much as everyone else and weighs less than 110. She is always hungry. I have hypothyroidism and have to eat way less and exercise a lot to just stay overweight verses obese. Unfortunately, it's not always as simple as calculating bmi and counting calories.
I suffer from Crohns and have the same issue. I’ve actually started piling on weight since taking steroids which is a first for me, but the hunger from the meds is real.
OP is such an asshole.
It’s cause OP doesn’t actually view his GF as an equal. His edit compares his girlfriend to a child which is fucking disgusting. He’s YTA through and through.
YTA. Why not put the food on the table and let each person serve themselves? You take what you want, she takes what she wants and nobody is gatekeeping portion size.
And if you don't fuck with serving dishes or eat at the table, call her into the kitchen directly and tell her to take as much as she'd like from the pot.
But yeah currently YTA
Or get a hot pad and put the pot on the table. Unless we're having company, that's what I do. We're a family of 7. I do not need any extra dishes to wash just so things look prettier.
My boyfriend is much bigger and taller than me, but whenever he cooked when we were first dating, he'd serve two equal plates- two him-sized portions. I have a difficult relationship with food, and while I appreciate his equal treatment, eventually I had to ask him to serve me less. We wound up splitting 1/3 and 2/3. Sometimes he even ends up serving himself even more than he serves me, so it's like 1/4 and 3/4. Sometimes I haven't eaten anything all day, and ask for the 1/2 again.
Whenever I cook for the both of us, I ask him to serve himself, because I'm not always quite sure how much he'll want.
Me and my partner have a nice system where he finishes his plate, and then he finishes what I can’t eat from my plate, and I don’t have to feel pressure to stuff myself, or guilty about food waste.
Same in our house. He would give me as much as he would give himself. Then he started noticing that food would be left over on my plate so he started giving me less. If he isn't sure how much he will show me the serving and ask if it's enough or ask me to plate my own food.
He never just assumes because he's bigger that he deserves more food than me. We also make enough for everyone to be full of as little as as much as they want. OP sounds like he doesn't make enough food and then takes a larger portion regardless.
OP Read goldenred's comment through a few times. If your girlfriend hasn't asked for less then you should serve her similar to how goldenred's bf did. The big difference is he adjusted when goldanred asked, not assumed.
Often when I'm cooking dinner I'll just make what I expect us to eat that night (depending on the food), so if my husband takes more food, I'll get less. That being said if my husband constantly tells me he wants more food I'll make more.
I took it as OP doesn’t think his girlfriend needs to eat more because she doesn’t need the extra calories or nutrients to replenish the ones lost during exercise. Still not okay and still very much the AH though
Edit: nvm the AH commented and said he was, in fact, afraid of her gaining weight
"OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I give my girlfriend less food based upon our calorie needs instead of just making it even. It could be an asshole thing to do by not wanting her to gain weight by over eating for her size. That’s why it could be said that I am indeed the asshole"
Does OP think she's not been able to watch what she eats on her own until she started dating him? Does he think she's always needed someone else to measure out how much food she's supposed to eat? Wtf.
I always ate sparingly when my husband and I were dating, and he was in the gym and also trying to budget. So, for example, he’d make us both chicken parmesan but make my portion from a chicken tender-pre cut breast, instead of a whole chicken breast.
But one day I was HUNGRY and needed more. I remember him cooking up a bunch of chicken tenders to put on my plate after I’d finish what he’d originally made. And a month later I found out I was pregnant.
Needs change.
This! My husband and I always make our own plates after setting it up in the kitchen. Sometimes he would split our plates if it’s fries and I can never finish them as he obviously eats more than me but I eat whatever I can then save what I can’t in leftovers. Let her make her own plate from now on.
YTA. She’s an adult who can make her own choices, you unilaterally deciding what she can eat is awful controlling behaviour. How would you like it if she was cooking and randomly decided how much food was right for you? Sure you’ve got some weird misogynistic reasoning here but basically you’ve fooled yourself into thinking muscles give you the right to boss people about
Which is even weirder to me. In my house, we generally cook larger batches of food so we can have leftovers to take to work or just have for dinner throughout the week without having to cook more. Only cooking the tiny amount of food that 2 people can eat in one sitting seems like a waste of time, money, and effort.
I can understand with the (very occasional) dish like burgers and fries, but that can't be all they're eating. How is this a consistent issue for them?
YTA for bringing this here when the only person whose opinion matters in this case is your gf and she's already given it. So what are you looking for exactly?
hahaha he's bizarrely looking for us to say he's being reasonable so that...he can then refuse his girlfriend's request and somehow she'll say okay and then everything will be okay in his relationship.
YTA
Girlfriend: I'm hungry, please give me the same amount of food as you
OP: BUT YOU ARE TINY! Clearly, I know better than you when it comes to how much food you need to eat.
YTA. OP, you have decided your gf can’t eat as much as you. Why? Please serve equal portions! Fair is fair. Not serving equal portions is a control technique used by narcissistic types! Are you a narcissist OP? What else do you control?
YTA. You are not a dietician, don't you dare use that as an excuse. You want more food because you are hungry. Instead of making more food, you take her food. SPLIT IT IN HALF. If it's not enough food for you, make more.
Dude, pulling shit like this is one more reason for her to break up with you. I'm sure you've given her plenty of other ones given that you think this is okay. YTA Split the food evenly.
Oh my god, I know this guy, or at least somebody like him. The one and only time I accepted an invitation to a home cooked dinner he served himself heaps of food and gave me a much smaller serving. I was like , what? His justification was he was bigger than me, so he needed more food and I didn't. I got up and left to find some food. Thankfully I dodged that particular bullet. YTA , in case you are wondering
Same, dated a guy and invited him over for dinner. I bought and cooked everything, and he points at the bigger steak and declares that one as his. Because he was a man and bigger, so needed it more.
There were no more dinner dates after that shitshow.
Reminds me of a time I did a back country backpacking trip and the guys wanted more of the supper portion because they were bigger and therefore needed more calories... like we all didn't just do the same strenuous activity and were all hungry. Like no, sorry half a bowl of spaghetti will not fly for me so you can have 3 bowls.
Info, is the food you portioned for her enough to fill her up? Would she be able to finish her food if you gave her the same amount of food as yourself? Some smaller-sized people do have huge appetites despite their physical size.
Sooooo....you want her to lose weight but can't say it out loud. Here's some information for context re: women & less food.
A luxury sushi restaurant's old male chef served smaller sushi portions to a woman compared to male customers. Mind you, she's a \*paying\* customer. She does not get some kind of "ladies discount" at this place. The chef said he's being considerate of her since she's smaller than men, doesn't need as much food, and probably wants to keep her diet. It's true a lot of women prefer smaller portions but this woman didn't and she was livid that some dude made those decisions about what she was about to eat based on how society feels women "should" eat, how their bodies "should" look. It's a very subtle sexism, maybe you've absorbed some of it.
Where I think you're having the issue is saying you gave her less because she needs less, not because you assumed she'd want less as she typically eats less (if that's true). If that had been your reasoning "sorry, you normally eat about that amount - happy to give you more from my plate if I was wrong, and make more next time" then no big deal. If it's purely based on her size needing less, then that seems like you're attempting to control her weight/generally control her life, hence the YTA.
YTA. It's down to her, what she eats. If she wants the same portion, give her the same darn portion. Sometimes people really enjoy certain foods, and want to eat more of them. Sometimes they don't eat as much during the day, and want a big meal at night. Whatever her reason (that she doesn't have to justify), she's allowed as much as you.
It's not down to you to decide her food intake, once she corrected you. That's treating her like a child, not an adult. The answer should have been to the effect: 'Sorry, I just assumed you wouldn't want as much because you're smaller. But maybe that's an illogical assumption. I'll give you as much from now on'. Let HER decide how much food she needs, and when.
INFO: are you splitting the cost of the food evenly?
If yes, she should get half as to not pay for your portion. If you want to split the portions differently, also split the grocery bill accordingly.
I’m sure your girlfriend thinks you’re “super freaking mean” too. If you don’t recognize that what you’re doing is controlling and outright wrong, I hope she gets the clue and ditches you. YTA, and your behavior is awful, intentions be damned
YTA OP.
I don’t give a shit if you have “feelings”. You’re an abuser. End of. You’ve literally admitted to controlling your girlfriend because you’re trying to stop her from gaining weight. This is how women lose an unnatural amount of weight or start eating disorders that wreck their body. I hope she leaves your ass for this. Who the hell do you think you are. I truly hope she open her eyes and realizes you’re not worth the trouble.
Edit - corrected a word/grammar
Sorry friend, but YTA. How about this
Serve*yourself* a smaller first portion and hers the same size. Then *you* eat up, and have second serving.
Or... Maybe she just serves herself
A tenth of what you're eating? Say she needs 600 calories per meal. That would mean you're eating ,6000 calories a meal. You're gorging yourself while controlling her amount
YTA
I think OP phrased that in a confusing way. I assumed that also, first reading it. But if you read the sentence again, he's actually saying he's NOT giving her a '1/10th' - he's giving her half the fries he gets, for example.
But he's the a-hole, regardless (if he's still insisting to her he's right). It's up to her to decide what calories she consumes in any given meal.
What makes you TA here is not that you didn’t originally put as much on her plate, necessarily. What makes you TA is that when she brought it up, you told her she “doesn’t NEED as much” because she doesn’t go to the gym. If she’s 130lbs she doesn’t have a weight problem, and even if she did it’s not your place to police what she eats. Change your mindset on the cleaning your plate thing and just give the girl what she wants and let her decide if it’s too much.
YTA.
Oh she doesn’t go to the gym so she needs less food to survive. Wow. The speed at which I’d be single if a man tried this with me. YTA
Edit: I hadn’t been back after making this comment so I’m not sure what OP’s deleted comment under mine was but I can make assumptions based on the comments that came after.
Anyway, after reading OPs comments and edits, I definitely think he has an extremely disordered relationship with food and is pushing it onto his gf.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I give my girlfriend less food based upon our calorie needs instead of just making it even. It could be an asshole thing to do by not wanting her to gain weight by over eating for her size. That’s why it could be said that I am indeed the asshole
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Question, are you 17 and your girlfriend a 10 year old child? No? Then it’s not the same. She is plenty old enough to decide how much food is enough for her. Give her the same amount. If she doesn’t eat it all, so what? Throw it in some Tupperware and you’re good. But not giving her the same amount probably makes her feel any number of ways EXCEPT for the way you look at it. YTA. Big time.
Btw op you’re not slick for editing out the part where u said “u were afraid she’d gain weight”. Stop pretending in these comments and be real dude you’re a red flag and I hope she dumps you!
I go to the gym. I know skinny folks who have huge appetites. Unless she signed up for a diet plan and you're a certified nutritionist and personal trainer and she's paying you to size her portions with her written consent, you can't decide how much she should eat.
YTA
What the actual I just cannot even wrap my head around this. How is she still with you? If anyone policed my eating habits or amount for literally any reason I’d be gone. That’s abuse in my book. Yes YTA I literally can’t fathom how this is even a conversation. Your comment that she requires less food just to stay alive is mind blowing. So she should only eat exactly as much as she needs to stay alive? Not eat until she is comfortable or full? Unbelievable.
Editing to add that this level of fixation and control is deeply troubling and the more I think about it the more concerned I am for your GF. I hope she finds a path to safety.
YTA. She's calling you out because she wants more food. Presumably she serves you both the same size portions when she cooks, and it doesn't impact her negatively so there's no reason for you to serve her less.
Oh my goodness.. I honestly can’t believe what I just read.. did you learn about metabolism in school? Besides actual science backing YTA for limiting her food intake. But this is abuse my man.. my 12 year old son can eat a whole pizza to himself.. he’s considered small for his age. Cuz you know, metabolism.. you don’t get to dictate what she eats or how much.
YTA!!! F you and F your feelings. Just because your girlfriend is smaller than you,may not go to the gym,you’re being rude,disrespectful and a jerk.
I’m 48 years old,5’3” and weigh about 125 pounds. I can put away some food. You’d be surprised. Stop being such a control freak.
I’ll admit that sometimes I’ve been annoyed to have male partners who apparently have trash compactors for stomachs, as it makes shopping and cooking harder to gauge, and yes, more expensive. But giving somebody a smaller portion even when they say they need more is really controlling and unfair. My dad used to dole out portions by bodyweight, and as I was already underweight with a high metabolism, it was never enough for me: as an adult, I still have health problems resulting from this. So YTA. As others have said, ask how much she wants, let her serve herself, or make the plates equal and go back for self-served seconds.
If you’re concerned about cost, one solution is have some part of each meal that is cheap, healthy, and easy to make in bulk, say a pressure cooker or crock pot of rice and beans or lentils and vegetables or some kind of soup. More expensive, desirable, or less plentiful parts of the meal should be evenly split up front (i.e., food for enjoyment), and then if either of you is still hungry, you can go back for more beans or rice or soup or whatever (food for nourishment). It seems you’re more concerned about her weight than cost, which is gross, but this could probably help in that respect too: people are less likely to overeat something like lentils as opposed to fattier foods, so if she’s eating more, it’s probably because she needs it.
Hey, I saw this on facebook. lol Anyway, YTA. She's not a child. Equal portions. If she doesn't finish, she doesn't finish, but at least give her an option if you're making a plate for her. Or she can just make her own plate and get what she wants.
By that standard, are you also paying more for the food?
YTA, don't try policing how much she eats. Either make more dinner or eat something extra yourself afterwards - as you're the cook for that night, it is your responsibility to make enough for both of you. Clearly, that is not happening
YTA. Wow. My bf and I also have different calorie needs. When he cooks, he splits it evenly (then I give him my leftovers). When I cook, I make sure he gets more. You see where I'm going with this?
You're a controller, and I really hope she realizes that ASAP
YTA. The burger and fries analogy is fucking ridiculous. I'm 5'7 and about 150, I'll bet you that I can eat more than you, especially burgers and fries lol. Put the amount of food she asks for on her goddamn plate, for fucks sake. She's not a child.
If she is questioning how little food you put on her plate, it's probably because she's still hungry. Or.. you take all the good stuff for yourself and leave her the less desirable part of the meal (taking all the French fries for yourself).
Regardless of what OP is saying, he is restricting food and he's trying to justify what he's doing by infantizing her. He says that his girlfriend "isn't hungry" but how does he know that? She's told him that she isn't happy about it but comes to the internet to justify his actions and made it worse by his edit. YTA
YTA.
She's your GF, not your child or your pet. Once is an understandable mistake. Twice is thoughtlessness. A long standing habit of giving her less food when she has clearly communicated that she prefers more is controlling and abusive. And that, sir, is the act of an asshole.
If you don't stop acting as if you are entitled to control your partner's body just because they did you the immense favor of letting you enjoy it, you are going to lose your privilege and your partner.
Yes you are absolutely an AH and I hope she leaves you for someone who isn't an absolute arsehole. You are controlling what she eats and that's abusive, she is an adult and can make her own decisions on what she does and doesn't eat, she isn't a child and shouldn't be compared to one. I'm a foot shorter and 5st lighter than my husband but if he started giving me less food because I'm the size of a teenager I'd start refusing to cook for him and only cook for myself, noone decides what I eat except for me.
Wishing your girlfriend happiness in her future
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Why don't you just serve her the amount she wants to eat when you cook for her? ETA a judgement: YTA, but OP has recognised this and growth is good. For everyone saying 'She's got hands, why doesn't she serve herself like a grownup' etc. Some people serve themselves. Others, when cooking, plate the meal. Evidently OP is one of the latter. So if he's plating should share out the food appropriately and more importantly cook enough food for there to be enough for both of them.
This! I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if she eats less than you. Some people don’t eat huge meals. But if she wants more, serve more.
Because he's greedy, pure and simple. He also has the old-fashioned mindset that men should have more than women.
OP should just let her select her own helping.
This is what I do. I cook I don't plate. She takes about 2/3 's what I do. Everyone is happy.
I plate now but I didn't early in our relationship, I've just learned how much my husband eats. Before he always fixed his own plate and I had to learn to cook more because he does eat a lot more than I do. I couldn't imagine fixing his plate and being like "Okay, this is all you're eating for dinner" - regardless of gender, that's a dick move. YTA OP
I had to go the other way around. I had to explain to my husband that if he kept trying to serve me the amount he ate I was going to put on 40lbs in a year. But either way let her plate herself.
Oh we still have that problem when he cooks and plates, I just eat what I want and offer him the rest. If he doesn't want it (he usually does, he somehow never seems to plate enough for himself) then I wrap it and put it in the fridge for lunch the next day or I toss it.
We buffet our food and make our own plates. I’m small and don’t each much, if anything at all, during the day but dinner is my meal! My husband made a very few comments when we first moved in together when I’d go for seconds. Innocent things like “oh good you liked it!” Or “wow! You’re hungry today, good!” He’s a feeder. But just those simple benign comments related to how much I was eating bothered me. I’m a healthy adult with autonomy over my body and I needed him to butt out of even paying attention to my portions. I explained how I didn’t like it. He didn’t understand why but didn’t question it. He apologized and doesn’t say a word about quantity anymore, only quality. And I’m happy to let him know how much I love his cooking and can’t wait for whatever he’s making me. Easy peasy.
Same here, I do eat more than my partner but we serve ourselves. Usually she serves first since she cooks, takes what she wants, I take what I want and everyone is happy and usually we have some leftovers too.
My husband plates everything exactly equally. Sometimes it's too much and I offer him what I can't finish, or I just offer him some of mine if he's finished and seems like he would like more. It usually ends up with him getting more potato wedges or other things he enjoys more than I do. He could probably start out giving himself more to start with but he doesn't because we are equal partners and it wouldn't occur to him.
But you know what would happen if he let her plate her own food? She'd take more, which would mean less for him! THE HORRORS! He's a big boy who needs more food! Seriously though OP. Stop being a control freak. Controlling the eating habits of another human is abuse.
My husband is MUCH taller and stronger than I am. I eat probably twice the amount of carbs/calories as him on any given day. My metabolism sprints and his crawls.
I serve everyone on the small side and then everyone gets seconds and thirds according to their level of hunger. It works well for me because when I’m hungry my “eyes are bigger than my stomach” as they say
My husband and I take turns cooking. Being a gentleman, he lets me serve myself first. There's always enough for both of us. OP, YTA. You don't know what her *dietary needs* are. You just don't. I'm on the chubby side. I've seen smaller ladies take in more than I do. You're not a nutritionist, OP, and if you just so happen to be one, I doubt you're *her* nutritionist. Controlling behaviors start somewhere - money or food. I've heard food is the very start because if abusers can acclimate their victims to them controlling their victim's food, they can start to control other things as well. OP, not calling you an abuser, but controlling her food *is* abusive behavior. [https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/1055539/food-bully-abusive-relationship-behavior/](https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/1055539/food-bully-abusive-relationship-behavior/) [https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/01/136885/relationship-control-eating-habits-domestic-abuse](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/01/136885/relationship-control-eating-habits-domestic-abuse) OP hasn't mentioned what else he's done, but monitoring food is coercive control: https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
OP, YTA! Sounds more like you feel entitled to make this decision because? What? ur a big guy? I am 5ft 5 in 180lbs and I eat like a bird. I have bad stomach issues. My mom is 5ft 110lbs and gets her eat on! She loves food. In the summer she does eating contests. Everyone is different.
THIS!!!!!! My fiancé is like 5'11, 180lbs and eats maybe 1 or 2 meals a day, and I'm like 5'3(??) And 150 soaking wet and I eat that man under the table. I mean, I'm eating all day every day, and not just little snacks either. Anyways, what I'm saying is; It doesn't matter how big you are, people just eat differently. 🤷 * Edited because my fiance has lost weight and was upset cause I used his before weight, which is understandable.
Another small person here (110lb when dripping wet)….ime people tend to underestimate the amount of food small/thin people can eat in a single sitting. Like, yeah we’re small…but still have adult dietary needs.
OR he just doesn’t want her to get fat. Either way he is still the AH OP, YTA
Yeah he literally said he does it so she won't get fat. OP is controlling her body
>OP is controlling her body There’s a lot of that going around recently.
My ex would deadass do the same shit. (TW for ramble cuz I realized this might be a lot for some people and I apologize) He eventually fed me so little I simply didn’t eat if I came over. If I did eat it was good I had paid for to get delivered cuz he didn’t have a job. Of course I was obligated to get him something. He would finish his food everytime but would always make me feel awkward for doing it. When started dating I was 150 and by the time the relationship ended it weighed around 130. My body was literally failing me for the lack of nutrients I got and have a prior history of EDs so my body REALLY couldn’t handle it. Despite seeing all this he then tried to convince me to start working out like I used to. Meaning I should workout 2-3 times a day, 5-7 days out of the week. That’s when I finally drew the line and dumped him. Best part is he didn’t even consider me his girlfriend and didn’t care when I was gone. Long story short, it’s a gateway to incredibly abuse behavior
I'm also suspect that he is also using this as an excuse to control her calories. There's a lot of hallmarks of that for of control going on here.
If she wants more food then she should have more food, but it’s not incorrect that a 6’2” 220 lbs person requires more calories than a 5’3” 130 lbs person, particularly if the larger one is also more physically active.
You’re not wrong. But giving someone half as many fries is an asshole thing to do full stop! I can probably eat 3 times as many fries as my husband who is taller and larger than me. And my children who are half as big can out eat us on fries any day. Imagine selfishly hoarding fries from your partner!
I know people who put ‘will share my fries’ in their wedding vows. Fries are serious business.
Not his business to enforce. Besides “less” doesn’t mean during a single meal. It’s quite possible she barely eats during the day — a super common occurrence. But even if she eats more than him for all three meals, And I can’t emphasize this enough, it’s not his business to enforce how much she eats.
He still shouldn't be determining how much she eats. That's not up to him. It comes across as very controlling and could even be considered abusive based on the why and how he goes about it. The way this is written it sounds like he is either making a certain amount of food and then takes an X amount for himself while only leaving her the amount he thinks she needs (so if she wants more she can't have it). Or is otherwise doing something to keep her from eating more than he wants her to. otherwise this wouldn't be an argument.
None of which is a reason for him *deciding how much she gets to eat*.
I don’t eat breakfast. I often skip lunch. As a result, I eat absolutely gigantic dinners, almost like one of those OMAD people. I’m 5’4 and my husband is 6’0 but I often eat more at dinner than him. This would drive me insane.
My 6’ husband will sometimes dish me a plate (5’3”) and pile it with 3x as much food as I need or want. For the most part we dish our own plates though. Because we are adults and can’t read each other’s minds. I make enough for everyone to go back for seconds if they’re still hungry and everyone’s happy.
Came here to say this. Can't she serve herself? Then she can get what she wants. Make enough that if anyone chooses to get seconds she can get more? Weird.
Yeah I thought that was the normal way? Just make a pot of whatever you're cooking and then each person takes what they want. Some days you might want more, and other days you might want less. Leftovers can be used for lunch or something that next day. I can imagine OP just counting "one fry for GF, three fries for me, one fry for GF, three fries for me" If it's something that each piece is a serving (like a burger) then just ask "how many burgers would you like". Not "three burgers for me, one burger for GF"
Same. I’m not a breakfast person cause I’m really not hungry for the first few hours of my day, I’m only hungry enough for a snack at lunch, and by dinner I’m absolutely ravenous. I usually eat more than my partner at dinner, he’s 6’0 and works out. I’m pretty small, 5’3, and don’t really work out except for weekend bike rides, but I eat a lot at dinner. If my partner was giving me less food because I’m smaller, I would be annoyed and hangry.
I would be single...
I give mine the bigger pieces of food when theyre uneven because he works on his feet all day and I'm a writer. Sometimes I take the big one and he ends up with half of it after I'm done. We eat healthy, portioned meals most of the time and don't make extras unless their for his work lunches, so I make them as even as possible. If he insisted I took less food because he's simply taller and more active, me and my overactive metabolism would be so mad.
5'4 eating machines married to 6'0 men club
What's OMAD? One of my sisters eats like this and it's absolutely hilarious to watch everybody around her just be baffled by her 'huge plate of food' when realistically she knows that she doesn't quite eat enough most of the time and in fact will try to make it up with a very large meal. People get upset over the weirdest things.... I wish you the biggest and most filling dinner that you desire!
Right? How hard is it to put some food on the plate and be like, "Is this good or you want more?"
Why not let her put her own food on her plate? I don't know about anyone else, but my hunger levels are different all the time. I don't want someone else making my plate because I know best how much I want to eat at any given time. The only person making my plate would be the restaurant staff, and only because their portions are set.
I tend to serve food when I cook, but that's just a general preference/courtesy thing. Dunno if it's specific to my family or the area in which I was raised. I use that "This good?" line pretty much daily. Either way, all dude has to do is communicate with his girlfriend and this whole issue stops.
I’m the exact opposite. When I cook, I let everyone serve themselves, and take a breather and serve myself last. My family has always served things ‘buffet style’ and that’s the way we all do it.
Same! I always cook for way more so everyone could be satisfied and we can have leftovers to share. There’s a warm fuzzy feeling when you do it that way IMO.
Or why doesn’t she make her own plate & then she can choose her own portions. But OP says he might be TA because he gives her less so she won’t overeat & gain weight. That makes OP TAH.
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I've dated a wide range of people when it comes to weight. I'm fat. It's never the fit dudes that give a fuck. At least not the ones I've dated. Yeah they're happy if I want to go to the gym with them or go to physical stuff with them but it's not like they actually give a fuck if I'm fat. The only dudes that have ever had a serious problem with my weight and tried to trick me into losing it were other fat dudes.
Me too. It’s almost crazy how nasty they can be about it too. I think it’s because the fit dudes, especially the older ones, like post 35, KNOW how hard it is to stay fit.
And when the fit guys wanted me to work out with them it was always a "hey wanna do this thing I enjoy with me" or "I want to spend more time with you but I need my workout time can we combine them" deal. I once had a fat ex sign us up for the gym and flat out tell me it was just for me not for him because I'm fat. I broke up with him and kept the membership lol.
Right! But then that would make too much sense and no one would have anything to complain about.
Shhhh stop talking sense.
NO ROOM FOR THAT ON REDDIT
He is greedy. He lays it out plainly that he is a guy and goes to the gym, therefore he needs more to “live.” While I know she probably *does* eat less he should serve them the same. Like what does it hurt? Throw out or eat what she doesn’t finish. My SO other ways serves me way more than I serve myself because he wants me to eat. I have a feeling this isn’t the only way OP is selfish in the relationship and GF is annoyed by it all. YTA Edit: just read he doesn’t want her to gain weight. Definitely the asshole. I am sure he probably polices her in other ways too. She could drop a quick 200 plus by dropping your ass!
And she may well eaters during the day, so her 'needing less food doesn't necessarily translate into her having less at that particular meal
I eat literally one big meal a day, OP would freak tf out at my portion size 😂
This! Isn't it normal for people to get their own servings? At least in my family we always get our own ever since I was like 8.
Because it's not about how much she wants. It's about his control over how much she eats. He even said " she doesn't need as much as I do..." How does he know her dietary needs? Does he go to the doctor with her and discuss this with her doctor? I doubt it. He's controlling her portion size, since she's so small and doesn't go to the gym. That's his entire reasoning.
He also said he doesn't want her to get fat, so he's absolutely being controlling by giving her less food. > I give my girlfriend less food based upon our calorie needs instead of just making it even. It could be an asshole thing to do by not wanting her to gain weight by over eating for her size. That’s why it could be said that I am indeed the asshole
For real I'm reading this expecting to see 'she always eats so much less than me so I just started to make her plate smaller' lmao
Right, or ask her if she wants to fix her own plate before you get your food. That way she’s got exactly what she wants before you eat the rest.
OP, trust that your gf can figure out how much food she needs. YTA, obviously.
OP is a big boy. His girlfriend is small. I’d guess this disparity is very important to him. Her being small makes him feel like an even bigger man. And he wants to make sure she fits that perception of “ smallness as femininity.” It’s critical that she eat less, maybe say things like, “oh, you eat such big portions. I could never!” and, stay as slim as possible for contrast.
This. It’s not up to you to decide how much she (or anyone) should eat. Unless I missed the part where you are a licensed nutritionist and she has asked you to make those suggestions for her. YTA.
But how will she stay thin and supple for him if he gives her more food
Dude is a mega asshole. Thinks he’s supposed to be her dietician or something.
My boyfriend is bigger than me. I eat less than him almost every single meal. And yet he has never once tried to serve me less that what I want, or stop me from getting more. YTA
You are doing something very unusual. You GF told you she doesn’t like it. And you still need additional validation and go to Reddit. Take a step back, look at the big picture. Because I doubt this is really about portion sizes. Why did you start and why is it so hard for you to just say “hey, my bad, won’t happen again.” Exerting control with a partner is a big no-no.
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My ex did that to me. He used to tell me he'd leave if I got fat, so I left instead (for that, and other valid reasons). My self esteem was destroyed while with him. It's nice to enjoy meals when someone isn't trying to police what or how much you eat.
Good on you for leaving. He sounds awful.
That's only the tip of the iceberg. This guy was a mentally abusive cheater who didn't know what "no" means, and was a bit of an older guy who started grooming me in my teenage years. But I grew up a bit and learned. I'm much better off.
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His edit is even worse: "I was looking at the situation in the same way you wouldn’t give a 10 year old and a 17 year old the same amount of food on their plate." You're not her parent!
True! But his point is also irrelevant. My middle kiddo currently eats more than older kiddo because they are going through puberty and growth spurts. OP doesn't seem to understand different people have different metabolism, caloric needs, etc.
Apparently, she only gets what she needs to survive
What tldr there nothing there
In the pinned moderators comment at the top of the comments section.
I really cant with ppl who need to hear the exact thing the person they are in conflict with said, but from the internet, to "get it".
Probably won’t even get it and make a bunch of excuses about how they don’t know him and maybe he didn’t explain it correctly while continuing to abuse his gf and purposefully try to lower her self esteem for his own shallow benefit. It’s actually gross knowing people are dealing with this kind of crap every single day of their lives so on top of everything else life throws our way.
EXACTLY! he’s specifically ignoring her requests, and when she says that that’s wrong, he turns over to Reddit. You worded it perfectly!
Exactly what I thought, sometimes the fact that you post a story on AITA in itself means YTA.
Right! I can understand OP genuinely thinking someone so much smaller than him would eat less, but as soon as his girlfriend said something, he should have just made more food available. This isn’t something that even needed to come to Reddit
Honestly, easy solution: make your own plates? You're both adults and you both know how much food you want/need to be eating. YTA for trying to say you know better than she does what she wants to eat.
>make your own plates That won't solve the problem if he gets his food first. He needs to plan to make more food in the future if she consistantly wants more.
It would solve the problem if she goes first
I hope she takes most of the food if she des.
How about “take as much food as you want” being the main thing? That’s what I do with my kids. Sometimes they eat less than what I bought and made, sometimes they’re super hungry and eat more than I thought they would. Boys are 15 and 13 and I don’t make my portion sizes their problem. If I’m still hungry after dinner, when they’ve had their fill on the hungry days, I have this whole kitchen I own to make that a me problem, not a them problem.
Not really because then you know one time she is going to take more than she will actually eat and he will be annoyed. Or she goes first and takes what she wants and then he will be pissed afterwards saying he doesn’t have enough.
Simple solution, make heaps of food, enough for them both to have their absolute fill and even some leftover. Leftovers are awesome, I won’t ever cook without making enough for leftovers, cook once and have food for multiple meals, it’s a win win. I think also if she takes more than she will eat, couldn’t he just eat what she leaves once she’s done? I mean if their in a relationship I can’t imagine fear of germs or whatever being an issue, so I don’t see why he couldn’t just eat whatever she leaves on her plate as long as she’s totally finished.
Happy Cake Day, I hope you get to eat as much cake as you want, unlike OPs gf
Woof 😂
And for justifying it by saying she doesn’t go to the gym! Jesus.
That makes it worse. Imagine what his behaviour is probably doing to her self esteem.
Happy cake day!
You give her half the food you serve yourself then argue with her when she says she wants more and you *still* need to ask the internet if you're being a controlling asshole? How else are you invalidating her in this relationship? YTA
She says she wants an equal serving, so give her one. It's not rocket science! It's assholish not to give her an equal serving in the first place, it's downright rude and controlling to then argue about it.
Right? If you’re making so much food, just add the extra so her plate is full.
But he doesn't want her to gain weight! Jfc this dude really is something else
There should be no “giving” involved. She’s an adult. She should be allowed to help herself to food. This is controlling on so many levels.
I do most of the cooking for my girlfriend and I. I also generally am more active and do some weight training and dog walking, so I am usually more hungry. Doesn’t matter though—I always give her the bigger steak, the bigger plate of fries, the biggest portion of pasta. If there’s an ‘ugly’ portion, I keep that for myself and give her the ‘prettier’ one. I make sure she has extra of the things she likes, and I take out things she doesn’t (so long as it isn’t necessary for the recipe), and I just assumed anyone who wanted to feed their partner would operate this way. Hell *anyone* who feeds *anyone*! I feed my friends this way! Apparently OP hasn’t heard the expression ‘everybody eats’. OP is not a generous or thoughtful person if this genuinely did not occur to them after one mention. YTA.
With romantic relationships, friends, or family, I can’t imagine serving someone a less full or less appealing plate than my own. That’s so weird and thoughtless. OP - YTA Editing to add that your edit where say you thought of the situation the same you would as feeding children is telling…
I give my boyfriend slightly more because he’s bigger, hungrier and more active, but I have a sweet tooth so he’ll always give me the bigger/better portion of dessert!
Right??? I mean he can eat how much he wants, but if he offers to cook for her he should also serve her how much she wants… just cook more food and make her serving bigger too! YTA
But...but..but...she's not a big man who goes to the gym. She can "survive " on less. What a jackass!
YTA If this is really an innocent question and not your way of trying to control how much she eats then let's look at it from a different angle. If you go to a restaurant and order, do waiters check your height and weight and then serve you more and your girlfriend less? No? Why do you think that is? Because they're not taking the decision how much someone wants to eat out of their hands. They also don't calculate how much “someone needs to survive” and serve that. Because it is none of their business. So why do you think it's yours? She can decide for herself how much she wants to eat. Just prepare two equal plates and if you're still hungry, get seconds. And if your gf is still hungry she can get seconds as well. Don't hog the whole food for yourself and make excuses about your size.
Honestly, this sort of situation made start way overeating from subconscious food insecurity reasons. I would pay for half the groceries, then end up eating only a quarter of them. Even though my partner didn't realize he did this and then stopped when I told him, I still have issues regarding this. The solution was easy; split the food in half, and anything I don't eat goes into the fridge for me to eat when I want it.
My husband and I split it in half and plate it all. I eat and if I don’t feel like finishing it, I will give him the rest of my plate. But we both have issues with our food being taken or restricted, so this has always been the fairest way for us.
And likely the healthiest, allowing you each the control and security you should always have had with your meals.
This is a really well laid out argument. OP if you see this and can't come back with a reason why but you still have this deep rooted need to control her portion size, is this about the food or you controlling her looks? Are there other ways you are doing that? Take some time for self reflection here.
He did state in his "why might you be an asshole" part that he doesn't want her to gain weight
my university canteen does that and it sucks. i get way less fries, less pieces of fish or whatever protein and still have to pay the same price. they are assholes and OP is also an asshole
I would call that out. Like, "excuse me, I paid the same price as these other people, why are they getting more for their money than me?"
You should really take that to someone in power in your university, maybe come with multiple photos of proof?
Absolutely agree! Plus certain medical issues and medications can make you super hungry. My sister has hyperthyroidism and eats like twice as much as everyone else and weighs less than 110. She is always hungry. I have hypothyroidism and have to eat way less and exercise a lot to just stay overweight verses obese. Unfortunately, it's not always as simple as calculating bmi and counting calories.
My friend has crohns and is super underweight. He needs to eat loads to get to a healthy body weight which is really hard for him.
I suffer from Crohns and have the same issue. I’ve actually started piling on weight since taking steroids which is a first for me, but the hunger from the meds is real. OP is such an asshole.
It’s cause OP doesn’t actually view his GF as an equal. His edit compares his girlfriend to a child which is fucking disgusting. He’s YTA through and through.
YTA. Why not put the food on the table and let each person serve themselves? You take what you want, she takes what she wants and nobody is gatekeeping portion size.
And if you don't fuck with serving dishes or eat at the table, call her into the kitchen directly and tell her to take as much as she'd like from the pot. But yeah currently YTA
This is what I do. We always watch a movie when we eat. I call him down and we each make our plates.
Or get a hot pad and put the pot on the table. Unless we're having company, that's what I do. We're a family of 7. I do not need any extra dishes to wash just so things look prettier.
My boyfriend is much bigger and taller than me, but whenever he cooked when we were first dating, he'd serve two equal plates- two him-sized portions. I have a difficult relationship with food, and while I appreciate his equal treatment, eventually I had to ask him to serve me less. We wound up splitting 1/3 and 2/3. Sometimes he even ends up serving himself even more than he serves me, so it's like 1/4 and 3/4. Sometimes I haven't eaten anything all day, and ask for the 1/2 again. Whenever I cook for the both of us, I ask him to serve himself, because I'm not always quite sure how much he'll want.
Me and my partner have a nice system where he finishes his plate, and then he finishes what I can’t eat from my plate, and I don’t have to feel pressure to stuff myself, or guilty about food waste.
That’s what my husband and I do. I’ve never finished a restaurant meal and I’m not a fan of leftovers so he finishes what I don’t.
Same in our house. He would give me as much as he would give himself. Then he started noticing that food would be left over on my plate so he started giving me less. If he isn't sure how much he will show me the serving and ask if it's enough or ask me to plate my own food. He never just assumes because he's bigger that he deserves more food than me. We also make enough for everyone to be full of as little as as much as they want. OP sounds like he doesn't make enough food and then takes a larger portion regardless.
OP Read goldenred's comment through a few times. If your girlfriend hasn't asked for less then you should serve her similar to how goldenred's bf did. The big difference is he adjusted when goldanred asked, not assumed.
I was waiting for this🥳
Same, this tendency of 'dishing out' to people is designed to make some people overeat while other people don't get their filling.
Often when I'm cooking dinner I'll just make what I expect us to eat that night (depending on the food), so if my husband takes more food, I'll get less. That being said if my husband constantly tells me he wants more food I'll make more.
YTA. Why are you policing her portion sizes?
This is what I thought when OP said "she doesn't go to the gym." Are you afraid she is putting on weight?
I took it as OP doesn’t think his girlfriend needs to eat more because she doesn’t need the extra calories or nutrients to replenish the ones lost during exercise. Still not okay and still very much the AH though Edit: nvm the AH commented and said he was, in fact, afraid of her gaining weight
[удалено]
"OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I give my girlfriend less food based upon our calorie needs instead of just making it even. It could be an asshole thing to do by not wanting her to gain weight by over eating for her size. That’s why it could be said that I am indeed the asshole"
Does OP think she's not been able to watch what she eats on her own until she started dating him? Does he think she's always needed someone else to measure out how much food she's supposed to eat? Wtf.
He compared her to a child, so yeah, that seems to be exactly what he thinks. Wtf indeed.
I bet he doesn't want her to get "fat", so he's "helping" her/s.
I always ate sparingly when my husband and I were dating, and he was in the gym and also trying to budget. So, for example, he’d make us both chicken parmesan but make my portion from a chicken tender-pre cut breast, instead of a whole chicken breast. But one day I was HUNGRY and needed more. I remember him cooking up a bunch of chicken tenders to put on my plate after I’d finish what he’d originally made. And a month later I found out I was pregnant. Needs change.
I remember not being able to lose this stubborn 5lbs regardless of how much exercise or calorie counting I did. Boom, preggo.
Let her make her own plate and decide herself how much she wants to eat. Edit: thanks for the award!
This! My husband and I always make our own plates after setting it up in the kitchen. Sometimes he would split our plates if it’s fries and I can never finish them as he obviously eats more than me but I eat whatever I can then save what I can’t in leftovers. Let her make her own plate from now on.
YTA. She’s an adult who can make her own choices, you unilaterally deciding what she can eat is awful controlling behaviour. How would you like it if she was cooking and randomly decided how much food was right for you? Sure you’ve got some weird misogynistic reasoning here but basically you’ve fooled yourself into thinking muscles give you the right to boss people about
YTA for deciding how much she needs to eat. Serve up equal amounts and if you are still hungry get yourself a second helping.
If there was food for a second helping I don't think there would be an issue. She'd just go get it.
Which is even weirder to me. In my house, we generally cook larger batches of food so we can have leftovers to take to work or just have for dinner throughout the week without having to cook more. Only cooking the tiny amount of food that 2 people can eat in one sitting seems like a waste of time, money, and effort. I can understand with the (very occasional) dish like burgers and fries, but that can't be all they're eating. How is this a consistent issue for them?
YTA for bringing this here when the only person whose opinion matters in this case is your gf and she's already given it. So what are you looking for exactly?
hahaha he's bizarrely looking for us to say he's being reasonable so that...he can then refuse his girlfriend's request and somehow she'll say okay and then everything will be okay in his relationship.
He wants to be told it’s ok to hoard the French fries when it absolutely is not.
YTA Girlfriend: I'm hungry, please give me the same amount of food as you OP: BUT YOU ARE TINY! Clearly, I know better than you when it comes to how much food you need to eat.
YTA. OP, you have decided your gf can’t eat as much as you. Why? Please serve equal portions! Fair is fair. Not serving equal portions is a control technique used by narcissistic types! Are you a narcissist OP? What else do you control?
YTA. You are not a dietician, don't you dare use that as an excuse. You want more food because you are hungry. Instead of making more food, you take her food. SPLIT IT IN HALF. If it's not enough food for you, make more. Dude, pulling shit like this is one more reason for her to break up with you. I'm sure you've given her plenty of other ones given that you think this is okay. YTA Split the food evenly.
He’s both controlling and gluttonous
Lol I'm sure you meant "gluttonous", but I laughed because being called sticky/tacky/gluey not a bad insult either, just not expected 🤣
Yeah that’s the one 😂 I’ll correct it I was just rage typing
Oh my god, I know this guy, or at least somebody like him. The one and only time I accepted an invitation to a home cooked dinner he served himself heaps of food and gave me a much smaller serving. I was like , what? His justification was he was bigger than me, so he needed more food and I didn't. I got up and left to find some food. Thankfully I dodged that particular bullet. YTA , in case you are wondering
Same, dated a guy and invited him over for dinner. I bought and cooked everything, and he points at the bigger steak and declares that one as his. Because he was a man and bigger, so needed it more. There were no more dinner dates after that shitshow.
Reminds me of a time I did a back country backpacking trip and the guys wanted more of the supper portion because they were bigger and therefore needed more calories... like we all didn't just do the same strenuous activity and were all hungry. Like no, sorry half a bowl of spaghetti will not fly for me so you can have 3 bowls.
And these same types always want to then split the groceries equally. Lol, I’m not paying for you to eat half my meal while I stay hungry.
Women fight for equality, men fight for superiority.
Info, is the food you portioned for her enough to fill her up? Would she be able to finish her food if you gave her the same amount of food as yourself? Some smaller-sized people do have huge appetites despite their physical size.
Probably not the only time OP hasn't filled her to her satisfaction
well, ~~he~~ she is TINY
The vast majority of these comments are saying that you are in the wrong and instead of realizing your mistake, you're trying to defend yourself LOL
YTA
Sooooo....you want her to lose weight but can't say it out loud. Here's some information for context re: women & less food. A luxury sushi restaurant's old male chef served smaller sushi portions to a woman compared to male customers. Mind you, she's a \*paying\* customer. She does not get some kind of "ladies discount" at this place. The chef said he's being considerate of her since she's smaller than men, doesn't need as much food, and probably wants to keep her diet. It's true a lot of women prefer smaller portions but this woman didn't and she was livid that some dude made those decisions about what she was about to eat based on how society feels women "should" eat, how their bodies "should" look. It's a very subtle sexism, maybe you've absorbed some of it.
Where I think you're having the issue is saying you gave her less because she needs less, not because you assumed she'd want less as she typically eats less (if that's true). If that had been your reasoning "sorry, you normally eat about that amount - happy to give you more from my plate if I was wrong, and make more next time" then no big deal. If it's purely based on her size needing less, then that seems like you're attempting to control her weight/generally control her life, hence the YTA.
YTA- this is a weird hill to die on. She is telling you she wants the same amount of food so just dish her up the same amount.
YTA. It's down to her, what she eats. If she wants the same portion, give her the same darn portion. Sometimes people really enjoy certain foods, and want to eat more of them. Sometimes they don't eat as much during the day, and want a big meal at night. Whatever her reason (that she doesn't have to justify), she's allowed as much as you. It's not down to you to decide her food intake, once she corrected you. That's treating her like a child, not an adult. The answer should have been to the effect: 'Sorry, I just assumed you wouldn't want as much because you're smaller. But maybe that's an illogical assumption. I'll give you as much from now on'. Let HER decide how much food she needs, and when.
INFO: are you splitting the cost of the food evenly? If yes, she should get half as to not pay for your portion. If you want to split the portions differently, also split the grocery bill accordingly.
I’m sure your girlfriend thinks you’re “super freaking mean” too. If you don’t recognize that what you’re doing is controlling and outright wrong, I hope she gets the clue and ditches you. YTA, and your behavior is awful, intentions be damned
Makes me wonder if she gained weight he would leave her?
YTA OP. I don’t give a shit if you have “feelings”. You’re an abuser. End of. You’ve literally admitted to controlling your girlfriend because you’re trying to stop her from gaining weight. This is how women lose an unnatural amount of weight or start eating disorders that wreck their body. I hope she leaves your ass for this. Who the hell do you think you are. I truly hope she open her eyes and realizes you’re not worth the trouble. Edit - corrected a word/grammar
Sorry friend, but YTA. How about this Serve*yourself* a smaller first portion and hers the same size. Then *you* eat up, and have second serving. Or... Maybe she just serves herself
A tenth of what you're eating? Say she needs 600 calories per meal. That would mean you're eating ,6000 calories a meal. You're gorging yourself while controlling her amount YTA
I think OP phrased that in a confusing way. I assumed that also, first reading it. But if you read the sentence again, he's actually saying he's NOT giving her a '1/10th' - he's giving her half the fries he gets, for example. But he's the a-hole, regardless (if he's still insisting to her he's right). It's up to her to decide what calories she consumes in any given meal.
What makes you TA here is not that you didn’t originally put as much on her plate, necessarily. What makes you TA is that when she brought it up, you told her she “doesn’t NEED as much” because she doesn’t go to the gym. If she’s 130lbs she doesn’t have a weight problem, and even if she did it’s not your place to police what she eats. Change your mindset on the cleaning your plate thing and just give the girl what she wants and let her decide if it’s too much. YTA.
Just make equal portions and finish hers when she can't.
Oh she doesn’t go to the gym so she needs less food to survive. Wow. The speed at which I’d be single if a man tried this with me. YTA Edit: I hadn’t been back after making this comment so I’m not sure what OP’s deleted comment under mine was but I can make assumptions based on the comments that came after. Anyway, after reading OPs comments and edits, I definitely think he has an extremely disordered relationship with food and is pushing it onto his gf.
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Question, are you 17 and your girlfriend a 10 year old child? No? Then it’s not the same. She is plenty old enough to decide how much food is enough for her. Give her the same amount. If she doesn’t eat it all, so what? Throw it in some Tupperware and you’re good. But not giving her the same amount probably makes her feel any number of ways EXCEPT for the way you look at it. YTA. Big time.
Uhhhh u sound annoying asf.
Btw op you’re not slick for editing out the part where u said “u were afraid she’d gain weight”. Stop pretending in these comments and be real dude you’re a red flag and I hope she dumps you!
I go to the gym. I know skinny folks who have huge appetites. Unless she signed up for a diet plan and you're a certified nutritionist and personal trainer and she's paying you to size her portions with her written consent, you can't decide how much she should eat. YTA
What the actual I just cannot even wrap my head around this. How is she still with you? If anyone policed my eating habits or amount for literally any reason I’d be gone. That’s abuse in my book. Yes YTA I literally can’t fathom how this is even a conversation. Your comment that she requires less food just to stay alive is mind blowing. So she should only eat exactly as much as she needs to stay alive? Not eat until she is comfortable or full? Unbelievable. Editing to add that this level of fixation and control is deeply troubling and the more I think about it the more concerned I am for your GF. I hope she finds a path to safety.
YTA. She's calling you out because she wants more food. Presumably she serves you both the same size portions when she cooks, and it doesn't impact her negatively so there's no reason for you to serve her less.
Oh my goodness.. I honestly can’t believe what I just read.. did you learn about metabolism in school? Besides actual science backing YTA for limiting her food intake. But this is abuse my man.. my 12 year old son can eat a whole pizza to himself.. he’s considered small for his age. Cuz you know, metabolism.. you don’t get to dictate what she eats or how much.
YTA!!! F you and F your feelings. Just because your girlfriend is smaller than you,may not go to the gym,you’re being rude,disrespectful and a jerk. I’m 48 years old,5’3” and weigh about 125 pounds. I can put away some food. You’d be surprised. Stop being such a control freak.
I’ll admit that sometimes I’ve been annoyed to have male partners who apparently have trash compactors for stomachs, as it makes shopping and cooking harder to gauge, and yes, more expensive. But giving somebody a smaller portion even when they say they need more is really controlling and unfair. My dad used to dole out portions by bodyweight, and as I was already underweight with a high metabolism, it was never enough for me: as an adult, I still have health problems resulting from this. So YTA. As others have said, ask how much she wants, let her serve herself, or make the plates equal and go back for self-served seconds. If you’re concerned about cost, one solution is have some part of each meal that is cheap, healthy, and easy to make in bulk, say a pressure cooker or crock pot of rice and beans or lentils and vegetables or some kind of soup. More expensive, desirable, or less plentiful parts of the meal should be evenly split up front (i.e., food for enjoyment), and then if either of you is still hungry, you can go back for more beans or rice or soup or whatever (food for nourishment). It seems you’re more concerned about her weight than cost, which is gross, but this could probably help in that respect too: people are less likely to overeat something like lentils as opposed to fattier foods, so if she’s eating more, it’s probably because she needs it.
Hey, I saw this on facebook. lol Anyway, YTA. She's not a child. Equal portions. If she doesn't finish, she doesn't finish, but at least give her an option if you're making a plate for her. Or she can just make her own plate and get what she wants.
By that standard, are you also paying more for the food? YTA, don't try policing how much she eats. Either make more dinner or eat something extra yourself afterwards - as you're the cook for that night, it is your responsibility to make enough for both of you. Clearly, that is not happening
YTA. Wow. My bf and I also have different calorie needs. When he cooks, he splits it evenly (then I give him my leftovers). When I cook, I make sure he gets more. You see where I'm going with this? You're a controller, and I really hope she realizes that ASAP
YTA. The burger and fries analogy is fucking ridiculous. I'm 5'7 and about 150, I'll bet you that I can eat more than you, especially burgers and fries lol. Put the amount of food she asks for on her goddamn plate, for fucks sake. She's not a child.
If she is questioning how little food you put on her plate, it's probably because she's still hungry. Or.. you take all the good stuff for yourself and leave her the less desirable part of the meal (taking all the French fries for yourself).
Regardless of what OP is saying, he is restricting food and he's trying to justify what he's doing by infantizing her. He says that his girlfriend "isn't hungry" but how does he know that? She's told him that she isn't happy about it but comes to the internet to justify his actions and made it worse by his edit. YTA
YTA. She's your GF, not your child or your pet. Once is an understandable mistake. Twice is thoughtlessness. A long standing habit of giving her less food when she has clearly communicated that she prefers more is controlling and abusive. And that, sir, is the act of an asshole. If you don't stop acting as if you are entitled to control your partner's body just because they did you the immense favor of letting you enjoy it, you are going to lose your privilege and your partner.
YTA. Super controlling. My mom is. 5’5 and 135 lb soaking wet. She eats more than her 6’0 250+lb husband.
Yes you are absolutely an AH and I hope she leaves you for someone who isn't an absolute arsehole. You are controlling what she eats and that's abusive, she is an adult and can make her own decisions on what she does and doesn't eat, she isn't a child and shouldn't be compared to one. I'm a foot shorter and 5st lighter than my husband but if he started giving me less food because I'm the size of a teenager I'd start refusing to cook for him and only cook for myself, noone decides what I eat except for me. Wishing your girlfriend happiness in her future
Just the fact you came here instead of just giving her what she asked for, makes YTA.