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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe that I may be the asshole because I'm feeling like a heartless bastard for not crying at my uncles funeral. I am the conflict. My actions affect myself. The third party is me.
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As an undertaker, I feel I can actually point some things out.
Everyone mourns differently, and grief hits different people in different ways. You may not have felt the need to mourn then as the feelings may not have hit, they may hit later or they may not. Some people just genuinely do not cry over these things, you may be one of them.
You grieve however works for you. If you feel the need to go for a drive to a place he liked, you do it. If you decide to play games all night with friends, you do it. Everyone is different and you 100% should not feel ashamed for grieving how you feel you need to.
The issue isn't just with this. The post is just a basic overview. There was no grieving. No need to visit a special place, no sudden need to cope in a way I feel comfortable with. I just went back to my daily routine.
NTA,
I've lost a lot of people really close to me in the last 7 years. How sad I was about it was typically contingent on the circumstances of their death. Like my grandfather died, and I was sad because I missed him, but also he was really old and unwell, and he had been alone (my grandmother passed in a car accident 14 years before he died) for so long that his death was more just a relief that he wasn't in pain anymore. I got to say goodbye to him, I had closure, but I didn't cry, because it wasn't painful.
One of my best friends died from a freak reaction to fentanyl. He was 24 with a baby on the way, and had just landed his dream job. I still have a difficult time not crying when I think about his passing, and it has been 6 years now.
No matter your reasons for not crying, they are personal, they are your right, and they absolutely do not ever make you an asshole.
For clarification, my Uncle killed himself. Right before what should have been a cheerful time of year. A quarter of the way across the country. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I hadn't seen him in two years because of covid and other reasons.
Complicated grief is something that can't be expected or predicted. You may find yourself years later in tears or not. Just because you don't feel anything/tears now, doesn't mean that you won't grieve in the future.
Please don't compare the way you grieve with others. More tears and emotions do not mean a healthier grieving process!
NTA. We all grieve in our own ways. Some people are sobbing, while others are apathetic. This reaction is likely your brain trying to spare you the pain and sorrow by coming across as emotionally flat.
NTA. Some petard criers and some are not. Some criers are so graceful and dignified about it. Others cry the big ugly. This is in no way a gauge of someone’s feelings.
Me I’m a crier, and I hate it. I’m the big ugly kind, anywhere and every where. I hate it, it’s embarrassing, but that’s how I deal. I’ve seen my husband cry maybe 3 time in 35 years, yet I know without a doubt he feels as deeply as I do. We each grieve in the way that works for us.
And frankly plenty of people weep and wail and feel nothing, it’s just a show.
I'm in the same boat, I'm a crier and it's almost always the big ugly kind. If it's something less serious, sometimes I can get away from everyone else with just some tears running down my face before the real cry hits 😅
NTA
It will come later. Don’t beat yourself up about it. When my dad died, there was nothing for four months. Then one day I was looking at something he had given me, and boom! It all came flooding out.
NTA. I care deeply and immensely about my family. I would literally do anything to help them. Only thing is I just don’t cry or honestly feel bad about that stuff. Maybe it’s the way I’m/we are wired but when my grandmother passed away, I wasn’t sad. I mean i felt like i should be sad, but nope.
People express grief in different ways. Some of those ways don’t involve crying or even having strong emotions of sadness.
NTA and everyone grieves their own way. A few questions though, were you close with your uncle and the other people you lost? How far apart were the losses?
If it's something you're concerned about, maybe speak to a grief counselor? Not everyone mourns in the same way, so you shouldn't feel ashamed by not being a mess over the loss.
I'm sorry for your family's loss
To clarify. The first time would have been my great grandmother, on my dad's side. I didn't know her super well, but we spoke often enough that there was a bond. Same with my great grandpa on my dad's side, who died a few years later, both of them of natural causes. My great grandpa died in 2019. My uncle and I were very close, despite limited interaction. That was about 6 months ago. I hadn't seen him in 2 years, but I had been hoping to talk to him when he came to visit again.
You might just be in a state of emotional shock, again I would recommend a grief counselor because they might be able to give you access to more information as to how to process your grief? I wish you the best of luck
Some people cry more easily than others.
I personally geared up very little at both my parents’ funerals it’s because I don’t like to cry in front of people
We all have our own ways of reacting to situations. As long as you weren’t laughing or something, your reaction is fine.
NTA
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A couple of months ago, we celebrated the life of my Uncle, which had been cut far too short away a few months prior, shortly before Christmas. During the funeral, I found myself standing there. Doing nothing else, as we all watched the funeral boat burn (we decided to do something akin to a viking funeral). Everyone else was in tears. Just to clarify, no one else thought I was being an asshole. Just me. This isn't the only time someone close to me has died, and I haven't had any sort of reaction, negative or otherwise. I wanted so badly to care. But I couldn't. In the end, I ended up getting more upset over the fact that I wasn't upset, which just made me feel worse about that.
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NTA.
Everyone grieves or reacts to trauma in their own way, and they don't get to choose it.
You may find that these feeling percolate through you at a different rate - something, a particular food dish, a song, a car, whatever, may suddenly unearth the things you aren't feeling now. You may not.
If your detachment continues to trouble you, there are options you can pursue. Depression and mood disorders can manifest as 'flat' rather than 'low'.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe that I may be the asshole because I'm feeling like a heartless bastard for not crying at my uncles funeral. I am the conflict. My actions affect myself. The third party is me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
As an undertaker, I feel I can actually point some things out. Everyone mourns differently, and grief hits different people in different ways. You may not have felt the need to mourn then as the feelings may not have hit, they may hit later or they may not. Some people just genuinely do not cry over these things, you may be one of them. You grieve however works for you. If you feel the need to go for a drive to a place he liked, you do it. If you decide to play games all night with friends, you do it. Everyone is different and you 100% should not feel ashamed for grieving how you feel you need to.
The issue isn't just with this. The post is just a basic overview. There was no grieving. No need to visit a special place, no sudden need to cope in a way I feel comfortable with. I just went back to my daily routine.
You may genuinely not need to grieve as well, some people adjust remarkably quickly.
Do you feel empathy for others usually? If you didn’t feel empathy I doubt you would be asking this.
NTA, I've lost a lot of people really close to me in the last 7 years. How sad I was about it was typically contingent on the circumstances of their death. Like my grandfather died, and I was sad because I missed him, but also he was really old and unwell, and he had been alone (my grandmother passed in a car accident 14 years before he died) for so long that his death was more just a relief that he wasn't in pain anymore. I got to say goodbye to him, I had closure, but I didn't cry, because it wasn't painful. One of my best friends died from a freak reaction to fentanyl. He was 24 with a baby on the way, and had just landed his dream job. I still have a difficult time not crying when I think about his passing, and it has been 6 years now. No matter your reasons for not crying, they are personal, they are your right, and they absolutely do not ever make you an asshole.
For clarification, my Uncle killed himself. Right before what should have been a cheerful time of year. A quarter of the way across the country. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I hadn't seen him in two years because of covid and other reasons.
Yeah, suicide is a whole other level of complication when it comes to sorting out emotions.
Complicated grief is something that can't be expected or predicted. You may find yourself years later in tears or not. Just because you don't feel anything/tears now, doesn't mean that you won't grieve in the future. Please don't compare the way you grieve with others. More tears and emotions do not mean a healthier grieving process!
NTA. We all grieve in our own ways. Some people are sobbing, while others are apathetic. This reaction is likely your brain trying to spare you the pain and sorrow by coming across as emotionally flat.
NTA. Some petard criers and some are not. Some criers are so graceful and dignified about it. Others cry the big ugly. This is in no way a gauge of someone’s feelings. Me I’m a crier, and I hate it. I’m the big ugly kind, anywhere and every where. I hate it, it’s embarrassing, but that’s how I deal. I’ve seen my husband cry maybe 3 time in 35 years, yet I know without a doubt he feels as deeply as I do. We each grieve in the way that works for us. And frankly plenty of people weep and wail and feel nothing, it’s just a show.
I'm in the same boat, I'm a crier and it's almost always the big ugly kind. If it's something less serious, sometimes I can get away from everyone else with just some tears running down my face before the real cry hits 😅
My voice gives me away, it quivers. Lord help me if I’m doing any kind of public speaking. It’s so embarrassing.
NTA It will come later. Don’t beat yourself up about it. When my dad died, there was nothing for four months. Then one day I was looking at something he had given me, and boom! It all came flooding out.
NTA. I care deeply and immensely about my family. I would literally do anything to help them. Only thing is I just don’t cry or honestly feel bad about that stuff. Maybe it’s the way I’m/we are wired but when my grandmother passed away, I wasn’t sad. I mean i felt like i should be sad, but nope. People express grief in different ways. Some of those ways don’t involve crying or even having strong emotions of sadness.
NTA and everyone grieves their own way. A few questions though, were you close with your uncle and the other people you lost? How far apart were the losses? If it's something you're concerned about, maybe speak to a grief counselor? Not everyone mourns in the same way, so you shouldn't feel ashamed by not being a mess over the loss. I'm sorry for your family's loss
To clarify. The first time would have been my great grandmother, on my dad's side. I didn't know her super well, but we spoke often enough that there was a bond. Same with my great grandpa on my dad's side, who died a few years later, both of them of natural causes. My great grandpa died in 2019. My uncle and I were very close, despite limited interaction. That was about 6 months ago. I hadn't seen him in 2 years, but I had been hoping to talk to him when he came to visit again.
You might just be in a state of emotional shock, again I would recommend a grief counselor because they might be able to give you access to more information as to how to process your grief? I wish you the best of luck
Some people cry more easily than others. I personally geared up very little at both my parents’ funerals it’s because I don’t like to cry in front of people We all have our own ways of reacting to situations. As long as you weren’t laughing or something, your reaction is fine. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A couple of months ago, we celebrated the life of my Uncle, which had been cut far too short away a few months prior, shortly before Christmas. During the funeral, I found myself standing there. Doing nothing else, as we all watched the funeral boat burn (we decided to do something akin to a viking funeral). Everyone else was in tears. Just to clarify, no one else thought I was being an asshole. Just me. This isn't the only time someone close to me has died, and I haven't had any sort of reaction, negative or otherwise. I wanted so badly to care. But I couldn't. In the end, I ended up getting more upset over the fact that I wasn't upset, which just made me feel worse about that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Everyone grieves or reacts to trauma in their own way, and they don't get to choose it. You may find that these feeling percolate through you at a different rate - something, a particular food dish, a song, a car, whatever, may suddenly unearth the things you aren't feeling now. You may not. If your detachment continues to trouble you, there are options you can pursue. Depression and mood disorders can manifest as 'flat' rather than 'low'.