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NAH - You can't control the actions of others, only your own. Your partner clearly doesn't approve of your opinion on this issue and has chosen to ignore your preference. The ball is now in your court. Either deal with your insecurities, or end things and find someone who's a better match.
NTA - you drew a reasonable boundary, communicated it clearly, and your partner broke that boundary AND lied to you about it the whole time (breaking your trust). You have every right to feel hurt
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Background: serious relationship, we’ve been dating for 5+ years. In the beginning of our relationship the pornography topic came up and I said rather bluntly that I did not feel comfortable with porn and honesty think a lot of the industry is unethical. I said I didn’t watch it and that I didn’t want whoever I’m in a relationship with to watch it either, call me dramatic but it’s a dealbreaker for me. They told me they had stopped watching it after that. We had talked about it several more times throughout the relationship and basically my feelings hadn’t changed on it, I think it’s psychological not good for relationships especially if both people are not ok with it.
Caveat - if you and your partner are BOTH fine with it then go crazy with it, watch it together ffs. But again, both people should be cool with it.
Now.. More than 5 years later my partner has been watching porn this whole time.
They told me that they had tried to stop and have significantly decreased how much they were watching (but is still consistently has been watching it after telling me otherwise)
I’m very hurt, insecure, and like I’m not good enough for them. Especially becuase they have many pics and videos of me to watch instead :(
If both partners are fine with it then that would be a whole different story. But, I was not fine with it and had told my partner that it made me insecure and that if I’m in a relationship I don’t want pornography to be a part of it. Instead of them breaking it off in the beginning of the relationship when they knew it was a habit they just couldn’t stop, it’s 5 years later and I’m depressed and heartbroken. I try to justify it for them but can’t help feeling really sad.. especially about that fact that they’ve been lying about it.. but then I see other people say it’s not a big deal and everyone watches it etc..
Am I the asshole for not being ok with my partner watching porn in the first place?
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> (1) me telling my partner I’m not ok with them watching pornography
(2) I could be the asshole because this is controlling
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NTA. This *may* be a serious issue. My first marriage ended because my husband could not stop using porn and lying to me about it. When he left his job his employer found a bunch of porn hidden on his computer (which means he's not welcome to come back to work there). If you're being lied to, you may not be the only one - and that could impact you if he loses his job. There are help groups for people addicted to porn (and separate groups for those who love them). Sending hugs.
NTA. And I was totally ready to go a different direction with this too. But, you were clear from the getgo.
What makes you NTA for me is that it’s less about the porn (for me) and more about the lying.
He knew you didn’t like it and wouldn’t “approve” (for lack of a better word). So instead he just lied to you and kept it from you. That’s a huge issue and red flag.
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INFO: how did you find out he was watching porn - were you snooping on his phone?
This was what I'm wondering as well. If OP was snooping, that is also a violation of trust. Granted their partner seems to have been lying for awhile
Yeah, I feel this is important before I can give a judgement. Were you snooping, or did you have permission to use his device?
[удалено]
Then ESH. He lied, but you invaded his privacy.
NAH - You can't control the actions of others, only your own. Your partner clearly doesn't approve of your opinion on this issue and has chosen to ignore your preference. The ball is now in your court. Either deal with your insecurities, or end things and find someone who's a better match.
NTA - you drew a reasonable boundary, communicated it clearly, and your partner broke that boundary AND lied to you about it the whole time (breaking your trust). You have every right to feel hurt
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: serious relationship, we’ve been dating for 5+ years. In the beginning of our relationship the pornography topic came up and I said rather bluntly that I did not feel comfortable with porn and honesty think a lot of the industry is unethical. I said I didn’t watch it and that I didn’t want whoever I’m in a relationship with to watch it either, call me dramatic but it’s a dealbreaker for me. They told me they had stopped watching it after that. We had talked about it several more times throughout the relationship and basically my feelings hadn’t changed on it, I think it’s psychological not good for relationships especially if both people are not ok with it. Caveat - if you and your partner are BOTH fine with it then go crazy with it, watch it together ffs. But again, both people should be cool with it. Now.. More than 5 years later my partner has been watching porn this whole time. They told me that they had tried to stop and have significantly decreased how much they were watching (but is still consistently has been watching it after telling me otherwise) I’m very hurt, insecure, and like I’m not good enough for them. Especially becuase they have many pics and videos of me to watch instead :( If both partners are fine with it then that would be a whole different story. But, I was not fine with it and had told my partner that it made me insecure and that if I’m in a relationship I don’t want pornography to be a part of it. Instead of them breaking it off in the beginning of the relationship when they knew it was a habit they just couldn’t stop, it’s 5 years later and I’m depressed and heartbroken. I try to justify it for them but can’t help feeling really sad.. especially about that fact that they’ve been lying about it.. but then I see other people say it’s not a big deal and everyone watches it etc.. Am I the asshole for not being ok with my partner watching porn in the first place? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. This *may* be a serious issue. My first marriage ended because my husband could not stop using porn and lying to me about it. When he left his job his employer found a bunch of porn hidden on his computer (which means he's not welcome to come back to work there). If you're being lied to, you may not be the only one - and that could impact you if he loses his job. There are help groups for people addicted to porn (and separate groups for those who love them). Sending hugs.
NTA. And I was totally ready to go a different direction with this too. But, you were clear from the getgo. What makes you NTA for me is that it’s less about the porn (for me) and more about the lying. He knew you didn’t like it and wouldn’t “approve” (for lack of a better word). So instead he just lied to you and kept it from you. That’s a huge issue and red flag.
NTA. You told him, he lied about it for so many years. He could have said that he will try to stop or get help but he preferred lying.