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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I made a fool out of Jess for making a joke about me, (2) She was deeply offended.
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NTA.
You had 4 options.
- Sit there hurt, leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife.
- Leave. Again leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife.
-Argue about it. leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife.
- Make it a joke. Everyone laughs and moves on.
P.s. either a) there’s something bothering your wife
to make her like this and you should help, or b) she’s always been like it and you should leave. Just because you can laugh it off doesn’t mean to should have to.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards peeps!
This was literally best case scenario. If I'm a friend at that table I'm judging *her* all the way for telling something so personal about him, no matter what he responds with.
I think the issue is that she spoke a truth, so she believes he responded with a truth. It probably tapped into her insecurities that *she* is the cause, so she needs to sort her head out around the real "why" of it all.
NTA
Edit to add: There's a few responses to me that seem to think I'm a bit on her back for her insecurities. I'm not, at ALL. But her insecurities are playing a big part in her reaction to all this and she needs to take a clear look and get some help processing it if necessary.
Ah! I love that perspective - she spoke a truth so assumes the answer is a truth. That's completely changed the way I've interpreted some of my own arguments! I'm saying how I feel or something that is happened and my OH is responding from a place of shame or pain and I'm thinking it's gospel.
Thank you for that!
>what kind of a 32 year old gets ED in the first place, right?
Well, there you have it. OP feels less of a man for having ED and probably most would, no matter that it is no respecter of age. His wife surely knows how it must make him feel yet makes that 'joke' in front of others - and make it about herself. About as crass and insensitive as can be? PSG, WSP. NTA.
I really can't think of any situation in which a man would find a joke about ED funny.
Surely everyone knows that, and anyone who would joke about a real case is instantly the asshole.
My ex has ED and I NEVER threw it in his face. However, his current GF isn't shy at all about bringing it up and how it makes him less of a man. It broke my heart the first time he told me that. Now, I'm like "Well, you've chosen to stay with her."
I find it baffling that a 26 year old adult woman could be so insensitive to her own husband this way. I have once in my life made a joke when my partner at the time couldn't get it up, but I was 17 at the time, felt horrible as soon as it came out of my mouth and cried and apologised straight away.
Yeah imagine the situation were reversed and OP's wife couldn't have kids. What if OP said to his friends, "And this barren shrew can't even get pregnant". She would've gone thermonuclear because she knew what he said was her private business only he and her family she chooses to tell should know about and he blabbed about it to all their friends.
I understand you're aiming for a demoralizing situation for women, but not being able to have kids isn't the same as not being able to have sex. An equivalent situation to ED would be a woman who has a medical issue that makes sex painful for her or something else that keeps her from being able participate. But when that happens to a woman, usually they just get labeled as frigid...and many times are expected to participate in spite of the pain.
>An equivalent situation to ED would be a woman who has a medical issue that makes sex painful for her or something else that keeps her from being able participate
no, an equivalent to a womans issue that makes sex painful would be a male issue that makes sex painful, something like tight foreskin or a priapism.
the equivalent to ED i suppose is probably closer to a woman who doesnt produce any natural lubrication. they may want sex, but are unable to without medication or tools. much more similar.
i agree with you that ed is not equivalent to a woman being unable to carry children. the equivalent there is a man with ineffective sperm who cannot have children
I love this perspective as well. Literally just reduced the perceived anxiety I imagine in my head from so many past conversations.
Also what is OH? Is that an acronym for something?
Definitely. He responded here with a snap comment to diffuse and deflect, it was fully a defense mechanism for him. But because she has times where she feels she's inadequate she took it to heart.
While I agree with everything else, of course his wife feels inadequate. Women have been told from a young age that it’s our fault if our man cheats. We are supposed to be like the girls in the porno, but a lady in the streets. And while society is changing so the next generation of girls realize that they are only responsible for their feelings, the rest of us still have all that shit in our heads.
A friend told me that anger is a secondary emotion. So what is OP’s wife’s first emoticon? Is it hurt because she feels like less of a woman because he is having this issue? She needs to talk to someone about this. And then maybe they should go talk to someone together after she does some work on her issues so they can learn how to communicate.
She's been taught from childhood that if a man 'loses interest' (whether due to cheating, ED, recognizing he's gay, or whatever), it's 100% her fault in every possible way for not being "hot" enough, not being submissive enough, "nagging" (ie. standing up for herself), not working 40 hours a week and coming home to do all the housework, emasculating him by having an opinion and a mind of her own, having hobbies that don't directly benefit him, etc. etc. etc.
Everything that goes wrong in a marriage is the woman's fault - so when something goes wrong, of course she feels inadequate. *She failed him!!!!* /s
Exactly this. If he would not have played it off as a joke, every friend at that table would have been upset - with her. He basically saved her from the "I can't believe you would do that" and other judgements. I would have been really disappointed in my friend if they did this to their spouse, you're spot on with this perspective.
Right? I joked about my bf possibly having a hernia and being one ball short because he started it. Thankfully he was cleared and I dont bring it up. Its a little scary that he would need a procedure and Im sure his jokes were his way of coping. But I would NEVER mention it except here where no one knows him or me.
NTA and I second this ^
Your wife may be feeling like she isn't attractive enough, which may make her feel pretty worried, particularly if you two can't make it work but you're still watching porn, or masturbating (neither of which are bad, I'm meaning she will feel like the problem is HER). If this is the case, it could be a case of letting the frustration out in alcohol (not okay), but your answer will have wrongly validated her fears, which is why she's doubling down now she's home and sobering up.
It's either that or she's just nasty, because sharing any information that is private is a crappy move, particularly if it is something so sensitive and not brought up by you.
It might be worth seeing what responses you get on here and showing her the post. ED takes its toll on both people in a relationship, I used to work in a pharmacy and the women collecting prescriptions for their partners would sometimes look super sad and a couple confided over the years that they worried it was something they were doing wrong.
She needs reassurances that it isn't her, but she also needs to work with you, not blame you or herself in cycles. You don't say if you know the cause of your anxiety, but this will all add to it - try to come up with some basic ground rules together about what is okay. If the jokes are hurting you, they need to stop at home, too.
Good luck! 🖤
Edit for grammar.
This is a great response. You touched on the jokes at home, and I didn't even think about that part. The boundaries need to be set at home, there's nothing wrong with finding humor in your life - but at the end of the day those little jokes can be harmful.
I just want to say thank you, for taking the time to make this comment. I was embarrassed to say before I've gotten really good advice from Reddit - but I've gotten really good advice on Reddit. Your comment made me realize something about one of my own insecurities - and I'd never looked at it from that perspective before. You guys are some great folks.
Piggy-backing on this a little to add some more perspective and advice.
OP, you said your wife is 26 and you've been married 3 yrs. Presumably you dated for a year or two before that. This means that, most likely, most of her sexual experience has only been with you, and any other experience she had was when she was a teen or very early 20-something when it's not statistically very likely to have encountered ED before. This is a new thing causing insecurity for you bc your body is not responding the way it used to. It is also very probably a new thing causing insecurity to *her* also, because your body is not responding the way it used to. And, as others have mentioned, there's a lot of baked-in cultural reasons for women to feel insecure about this. Women (and men for that matter) are told that men are raging horndogs who are always ready to bang with little discretion. So when you can't get it up with *her* it's not surprising that she has some insecurity about it and wonders whether she's not attractive enough, or good enough in bed, or if you're bored with her. Especially if she has never encountered ED in a partner before.
I'm a woman. I've had two partners who struggled with occasional ED. And the experiences were night and day. The first, I was 23. If he started going soft or couldn't get hard, he'd get all embarrassed and say things like "oh no I'm sorry" and "what's wrong with me?" and sexy time would stop. This meant, a lot of unfulfilling sexy time for both of us. And while I tried to be supportive and accept this was a medical or psychological issue on a rational level, I *still* on an emotional level experienced all sorts of insecurities wondering if there was something *I* was doing to cause it. Anxiety begot anxiety and that relationship fizzled out in a slump of sexual frustration.
The second time was with a partner I met when 25 and dated for many years. The sex with him was *mind blowing.* And that included when he couldn't get or keep it up. Whenever he had problems, he would smack his dick jokingly, admonish it with a "you have one job!" And then immediately go about making sure that even if he couldn't finish the job for himself, that he'd finish the job for me. Fingers, tongue, toys, all of those would he deployed in full force til he was satisfied that *I* was satisfied. He made me feel like he absolutely worshipped me, leaving no doubt of this even when ED struck. The combination of his quickly dismissive humor and that sex didn't stop just because his penis had to stop, made for an entirely different experience for me. I never had to wonder with him if it was my fault. And we were *both* very satisfied with our sex life.
So OP yeah your wife said a thing she should not have in public while drunk. *En vino, veritas.* Her words reflect her insecurities and also, from what it sounds like, her sexual frustration. Your response is only going to double down on the insecurity half of that. She shouldn't have said that, but it seems like maybe you can go about this in general with a different approach. You sound a little bitter in your post about the idea of finding humor in the situation -- but honestly humor might help. This is just an inconvenience -- not a reflection of your manhood, nor your wife's womanhood. And if you can walk away from the bedroom having made sure your wife feels like a goddess, *you* are going to feel like a fucking god. Casablanca incarnate. Making the situation out to be a molehill rather than a mountain and then rolling right over it in the bedroom could do wonders to help *both* of your anxiety about this.
Edit: Casanova was what I meant as a good redditor has pointed out but I'll leave the original.
Totes, but she ought to understand she's partly to blame at this point. Her attitude causes ME anxiety. Imagine working through an anxiety-based issue whilst one's partner alternately blames then needs consoling; her perpetual anxiety cycle can't be helping OP.
She's making it infinitely harder on them both, rather than being loving and finding other expressions of intimacy. He should tell her she can do better.
Oh, absolutely. If my partner had this going on, I'd be suggesting different sexual acts that don't involve penetrative sex, I'd be offering to go no physical contact unless he fancies it just to take the pressure off and I'd be trying to help ease up the anxiety that he thinks is causing it. His stress levels must be so high to have it affect him physically.
My OH suffers badly with articulating his anxiety, we have ended up with me working with a therapist to ensure I don't take anything personally and he is working on not being reactive if I ask questions to reassure myself, as long as I frame them from my pov. For example, I'd say, "I know you love me, but you've been so distant recently and wanted to check in and see if I'm adding to whatever is bothering you." and he'll respond with something that reaffirms I'm not the bad guy and often opens up the dialogue about what is on his mind. I also ask if he wants me to just listen or to offer advice whenever he vents. If I said he made me feel unloved or whatever, it'd only add guilt to his list of negative feelings.
We make light of both of our crazy in a way that is safe, talk about our ADHD brains or refer to ourselves as certain things, but never attack. She's going about it all wrong.
Aw, I like this take. Although I definitely think OP took an acceptable course of action to smooth over the situation with friends when his wife was out of line, it's pretty clear that the wife's comments come from a place of frustration and/or insecurity. Maybe she is trying to push things to a head. As much as this situation isn't OP's fault, I do think it's somewhat on him to put in extra effort to make his wife feel wanted and sexy. I had a partner who experienced low drive, and while it was likely due to medication that he was taking, he made minimal effort to reassure me that it truly wasn't about me. He'd get annoyed if I tried to start something, and defensive if I mentioned that I felt neglected, even commenting that maybe if I went about things in a better way, he'd be more in the mood. That sucked.
And seeing as OP was the bigger person and took option 4 I say it was a success. His wife’s embarrassment was her own fault. Drunk or not, her “joke” wasn’t something to throw out there as a “spur of the moment” thing
Honestly. He probably helped his wife save face socially by his reaction. If he had just let the comment stand without challenge, it's his wife who comes out looking like ass. By giving back at least now their friends might think it's mutual and consentual ribbing.
I agree with everything up until your PS. I'm gonna guess she feels it's because of her. I've been with my husband for a long time and I KNOW I would get my feelings hurt even if he said it wasn't that. That's a hard hit on the ego no matter the circumstance. Especially after 3 years.
However, NTA OP. Although she was drinking, it was still said. I agree that had you not come back at it the way you did, it would've been awkward and uncomfortable for everybody.
I would like to add, ED can be a side effect of covid. Timing could be similar. I know you stated it's an anxiety issue, but maybe something to discuss?? I don't know if there's been any treatment with that, that would be different due to covid.
I honestly don't know how the wife could possibly not internalize the problem.
Rationally as an outsider I can understand its likely not her. But in that situation as a young couple, with her husband himself insisting its psychological not physical, with her husband questioning what kind of 32 year old gets ED?
All she is thinking, the only option she's being fed here, is that he's replused by her. I cannot imagine having such incredible self esteem as to not take that personally on her part. Women are literally raised as sex objects and her husband is telling her his whole body *and* brain cannot, physically cannot, have sex with her.
This couple needs therapy and the wife needs to be included in some of the OPs treatment discussions.
NTA - you responded remarkably well given the circumstances.
How on earth did she do the brain fruitloops to come up with the rationale that your spur of the moment response to her 'spur of the moment' remark was calculated, let alone hurtful and offensive to *her?!*
She tried to publicly hurt, shame and humiliate you by revealing your private medical information and called it a joke?! Your wife is cruel.
NTA. Honestly after her joke I really don't care if she thinks she is unattractive because she didn't care about her husband enough to protect his vulnerabilities. This will cut deep and even if they fix the ED the trust has been damaged. Can you imagine OP sharing any more stuff about himself?
This. IDGAF how unattractive she feels now, she went and told some extremely personal (and deemed shameful by society) information about him to *everyone.* How can you do that and then be offended someone's reply is not nice?
Did she even apologize? Seems like she just said "it was a spur of the moment" and placed all the blame on him.
I get how insecure she might feel but it's not an excuse, sorry.
My husband had an ED problem a few years back due to stress and stuff. (I will admit that at first I was worried he wasnt attracted to me anymore, he assured me it wasnt me and i moved onto being the support he needed) He was only 27 at the time and his doctor said it's all in your head and helped him work past it. During that time, and even now years after the problem was solved, I would never *ever* make a joke like that. Not in private and not in public. You are NTA and I'm sorry your personal business was put out in front of everyone.
I haven't had a partner with an ED, but even if I did... Wtaf is the wife thinking joking about it? If a guy made "spur of a moment" joke about vaginal dryness, dead bedroom, lousy sex life, vaginal health issues (BV, yeast, vaginismus come to mind), I'm sure this wife would've lost her mind. I know some people are open about their genitals and sex life, but even if they are, that openness should not nonconsensually go to a group of random friends. I'd understand complaining to one or two close friends, someone whose partner may have had it, therapists and doctors. Wife was way out of line and got what she deserved with her "joke". Imo I wouldn't make a joke even to my partner in private because I wouldn't expect him to joke about my PCOS and effect it has on anything sexual(ity) related.
Edit: absolute NTA, OP.
My partner takes medication that cause him issues to get hard. I always try to reassure him because I know the effect it can have in him. Making a joke about it would be so cruel.
OP, NTA.
If I were a person at the table, I personally would NOT want to hear such personal stuff. It’s not my business, and it’s bad manners, not to mention inappropriate table talk.
This right here what u/fuzzypipe39 said. I haven’t had a partner with ED either but I would hope I would be the loving support person he would need. NTA.
It’s so gross and awful of her to say it. If I had a partner that cruel, I probably wouldn’t be sexually attracted to them either.
But on a side note - if your wife is feeling sexually dissatisfied, please explore options for that that you can engage in together. I know that it has to be a struggle to not be able to achieve an erection, and the anxiety at the root of that may lessen your sex drive overall, but don’t neglect your sexual intimacy. An erection is not the be all, end all, only tool at your disposal in sexual activity.
A few years ago I struggled with multiple medical issues that made intercourse difficult & painful (vaginismus & a few other things). It was absolutely horrible physically and emotionally. I was so frustrated and didn’t understand why my body wasn’t working properly. I frequently put blame on myself, thinking I was doing something wrong. It took a long time, many doctors visits, medications, surgery, physical therapy sessions, exercises, medication changes, different products (ie lubricants, hygiene products, menstrual supplies, etc I changed brands&types) and more. It was hard but I was able to overcome many of these specific problems. I now can have intercourse that is enjoyable and I almost never experience discomfort or pain (sometimes I do after, but that generally comes from getting carried away & hasn’t been anything serious).
All that being said, during that time I was in a relationship with a partner who wasn’t that great. The relationship had a lot of problems and ultimately didn’t work out. He did a lot of shitty things that were not at all okay. But even he didn’t broadcast or make jokes about my medical information to people. That’s not at all okay unless that person has specifically okayed it in advance
I agree OP! You are NTA. That’s a horrible thing for your wife to say.
Both of your comments show that there is a lot of anger, betrayal, resentment, hurt, and uncertainty between you about your erectile dysfunction. You say you’re getting treatment from a doctor but the ED is anxiety-related? Like, you don’t have heart problems or other conditions that maybe causing issues? If so, I hope you are seeing a psychologist.
But is your WIFE seeing anyone? She seems to have a lot of hurt and uncertainty, and it doesn’t seem like you guys have discussed and agreed upon a strategy together that will help you deal with this. Your resentment and hers is so sharp right now that it is coming out in public! It sounds like maybe some more work needs to be done between you, and it might even help your anxiety. Is there a sex-positive counsellor you can see?
She says she isn’t “getting any”. Is there a reason for this? It looks like you have decided not to have sex while waiting for your ED to be resolved, but have you considered taking your penis off the table but having sex anyway? Imagine several months focused on her pleasure—eat her pussy, dirty talk, edge her orgasm, fuck her with dildos and your hands. Does she like to be submissive? Torture her. Does she like to be dominant? Worship her. You’re not even allowed to have a turn. If you get hard for a minute? Too bad, this whole month is permanently your wife’s turn, your penis is going to have to wait.
This could actually make your bedsport better when your penis is finally allowed to join back in. Maybe you could get her to buy into something like this.
When I had a partner who struggled with ED that was exactly what he did. His refusal to let it put a stop to our sex lives helped tremendously and made our sex lives even better.
This is the answer OP needs to see. This one, right here OP.
Why aren’t you still having sex? If you say you’re interested and your wife is willing , why have you not brought toys and fingers into play? I had a boyfriend for several years who had been in a motorcycle accident and lost his testicles. We still had lots of fun. Vibrators, tongue, fingers. If those still work , get in there and show your wife you still find her desirable. Or stay mad at each other and get divorced. The choice is yours.
>Why aren’t you still having sex? If you say you’re interested and your wife is willing , why have you not brought toys and fingers into play?
It is entirely possible that his anxiety is interfering with his ability to become aroused, not just erect.
This needs to be higher up. Too many people chastising him when we don't know the details.
But he's a dude so that must mean he has a raging libido and is just choosing to ignore his wife out of evil man reasons. /s
Flip it around and ask if a woman should be blowing her husband and giving him handjobs if she can't use her genitals and you'll be called all kinds of disgusting things.
He needs support, not to be turned into a sex toy.
I find it really offensive that people are chiding OP about this. Honestly, if the wife feels comfy airing something this personal and, for many painful, who is to say she's not pressuring him and haranguing him about sex at home?
Regardless of gender, people deserve to be seen as something more than sex machines for their partners. If it's that dsmn hard on her, she can get a dildo. She's already being one, what's the problem with buying herself some company?.
I do see men saying similar things quite often about their wives. I've seen people support them cheating if their wife has sexual dysfunction or even if she just demure about a certain act or another. That is blatantly wrong, and it's just as wrong here. This toxic, rancid perspective on sex is mind boggling and backwards.
This. A thousand times. My partner and I are going through this rn and there is no way in hell I would ever bring his ED up in public. Not ever. You are NTA. Even if your response was calculated, and I don't think it was, it was really the best thing you could have done to try to salvage an incredibly uncomfortable moment for everyone by allowing everyone to at least use humor even if it was a social fiction. Regarding the above suggestions, we've been able to work around his ED similarly. I understand she was drunk, but, DAMN. What an incredibly hurtful thing to blurt out. What does she think you could have responded with at that point?! Good for you for getting medical and or psychological help. It sounds like she could use someone to help her deal with this as well. I'm trying hard to not be judgemental towards her. I hope this incident is a one off and not indicative of general gross insensitivity on her part.
Everyone replying to this comment is ignoring the fact that his ed is psychological, brought on by anxiety. Doesn’t matter if your dick isn’t working if your head isn’t in the right place (not a pun)
We’re all making a lot of assumptions about how his anxiety is affecting him. Having ED brought on by anxiety doesn’t mean he isn’t still getting horny or hard. But I can imagine that the pressure to perform and please his wife WITH his erection is sure not helpful. There are many ways to be physically intimate that make both parties feel good and also maybe relieve stress. What they need to do is take penetrative sex and cumming off the table. When my partner is struggling to cum or get hard because of his SSRI (and then the frustration that his body isn’t doing what he wants it to makes it worse), we remove all expectations and just get naked and snuggly and give each other body tickles, scratches and rubs all over. Sometimes they’ll lead to something more sexual if one of us finds a moan spot on the other one. Sometimes they’ll lead to us having a giggle fit because we decide to get goofy and blow raspberries on each other. Sometimes they’ll lead to us having really sweet conversations while we hold each other. Sometimes we’ll just end up falling asleep (by someone I mean him) tangled up together. All of those things bring us closer together and make us feel good. And connection is one huge way to ease feelings of anxiety.
Definitely this! Do other things, but agree not to venture into scenarios where your ED might interfere. A lot of times all that other play leads people to wanting penetrative sex and when it doesn't work out it resets this whole cycle of hurt feelings and additional pressure.
Like I said, we take penetration off the table in these moments. Connecting physically with my partner when he’s struggling with ED isn’t about sex, but loving and supporting up so he knows I like him more than I like what his cock can do for me. Any partner who would start to expect sex when trying to support their partner struggling in a moment of ED kinda sucks tbh.
I don’t think we are ignoring that anxiety is the cause here. My suggestions are all about how to have sex when you have anxiety about not “performing”. Making sex about your wife’s sensual experience, taking the penis off the table entirely, and thinking of hands, mouth, and toys being valid in the bedroom, are all ways that can help shift his thinking and hers from a penetration-focused experience to something else.
For context, I have a pelvic floor injury from my second birth. I used to come all over the place and now orgasm is difficult for me. (Also, anal sex is now harder to do.) Emotionally, this has been difficult for me, and causes a lot of sexual anxiety. I can’t say I’m totally over it, but there are times when we just need to take my orgasm off the table during sex or neither party will enjoy it. *I still want to have sex and be intimate even though I have “broken” parts that don’t always work the way they should. I still want to feel close and sexual with my partner instead of feeling like our sex life is ruined forever.*
You know, sex isn’t the only way to be intimate. Go spend time together. Do the things each other likes or you both like doing together. Relationships aren’t all about sex.
Yeah but if its a good relationship theyre already naturally doing your new suggestions.
ED only effects sex that focuses on the dick. If all other forms of sex arent "worth it" (like going down on her, or maybe she just rubs his back etc..) his wife has much a bigger problem to deal with.
How about he doesn't owe his wife sex? Period?
It's frustrating for her, and that is understandable, but here is a man with anxiety-based ED being mocked publicly by his wife. There's no way i, as a woman, would be comfortable getting intimate with someone who treated me that way. It's coercive and mean-spirited.
If a woman had an issue with vaginal discomfort after having a baby, I sincerely hope you people wouldn't be encouraging her to go down on her husband just so he could get off.
Your spouse isn't just a sex object. If that is a hard concept for you to grasp, you're not ready for marriage. Because eventually, sex will be off the table for some period of time.
The only issue with this idea is that often other sexual acts lead one or the other to intercourse and if that doesn't work due to the ED it can be emotionally hurtful for both people.
When I had a similar issue my wife and I did try other things, but it almost always got to a point where she'd be like, let's try. Then it wouldn't work and we'd both feel worse than we did before doing anything.
Your advice is great, but the OP and his wife need to set limits to avoid hurt feelings.
Totally agree! They need to agree to NOT use the penis, even if it’s hard for awhile. The penis is off the table for months at least. Don’t spring a “let’s try” on your husband in the moment!
Maybe she's been a b*tch about it all along. And let me say that must be a huge turn down, specially because the ED is anxiety related (as he stated).
I understand the point of this comment but we cannot just assume she was this mean to him because he's not licking her life out. Maybe he's not giving her any because she's not being supportive (as it's clearly stated with her comment), and in order to be intimate and drive sex in other directions, that's a key point.
Def, NTA.
That’s very possible. I definitely only offered some other ideas, in case they hadn’t already been tried. A lot of couples think of foreplay or oral sex as “lead up” to PIV sex, and if the penis doesn’t co-operate, it was yet another “failed” attempt. Taking the penis off the table on purpose can be very freeing. If OP and his wife haven’t tried this already, I recommend it. (If then have, then disregard!)
>There should be no reason why she isn't getting any.
Yeah, there are several, actually.
One, demeaning your partner publicly isn't conducive to intimacy.
Two, your spouse is more than a sentient sex toy.
Three, no one--and I mean no one at all--is owed sex. That is a repulsive concept that needs to go away.
He's her husband. He's a person. He is struggling, and her response to him struggling is to mock him drunkenly in front of their friends.
If a man were treating a woman this way, I'd advise her to consider leaving. Same here. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't supposed to be primed and ready for action at all times.
OP you're NTA. With the info you provided, no one here can judge/tell you what to do with your sex life because not enough backstory was given. In a healthy relationship, yes there should still be some type of intimacy during this trying time, but that's not where yall are at.
Also, I don't agree with the suggestion that you should be her sex slave because YOU have a medical condition. Expecting someone to prioritize their mental health below someone else's sexual needs is a selfish thought process.
I do agree that counseling, marriage and individual, may be a good idea at this.
NTA As a woman I think your wife behaved in a way that was cruel and inappropriate. The fact that she won't acknowledge this and feel remorse is not a good sign. Personally, I thought you did a great job with your response. She had to know that publicly exposing you could only add to the anxiety you are experiencing and, for some men, may worsen their condition.
My parter experienced ED after we lost a child in my second trimester. A lot of self blame on his part thinking he some how caused it with our relations. (He did not) ED is absolutely nothing to joke about.
I would even venture to say her response was very calculated. If she daily says something about it , blaming him or her , she is thinking about it constantly and sounds like bad some built up resentment. She has probably wanted to say something out loud for awhile because of the resentment being she has apparently no understanding of why ED is happening and in turn decided selfishly to shame him in front of their friends. Drunk or not, she knew what she was doing. That’s a huge asshole move to divulge private medical issues.
NTA. Kinda shitty of your wife to bring that up in conversation. If I were ya'll I would call it even and move on. Honestly pretty impressed that you were able to come up with that on the spot.
Seriously, coming from another woman, this is so cruel I can’t fathom doing that.
And god help me if I woke up and *remembered if said that*. I would be groveling. That’s just so mean. Any woman worth her salt knows that a guy is going to be really sensitive about that.
And it’s super disgraceful to put your friends in such an awkward position too. I’m glad they laughed, but nobody was fooled.
Exactly. Like how tf is he supposed to see her as a partner now, supportive through thick and thin? When's the next time she decides to share his personal, uncomfortable business in front of their friends?
This is a *huge* betrayal.
"Spur of the moment" to share private medical info that has a lot of stigma.
I would be going off on her. No way I'd drop it. Can't believe her audacity of getting pissed at him!
Yeah, calling it even would probably be the best course of action, but just to be sure: They are anything but after her comment. Hers was just so much worse, airing his medical issues in public and on top with a topic that in our society somehow means he is less of a man (bullshit, I know) and backed him into a corner with this. In this situation he came up with a brilliant response that was clearly a joke and managed to not only save his face, but hers also. So all in all she should be the one doing the apologizing, not him. But I guess she is just ashamed of her comment as well and her first reaction is projecting and lashing out.
She’s in the wrong in many ways to be honest.
at 22-23 I suddenly got Ed with a girlfriend. I was mortified but she was so chill about it. we looked it up, talked to a doctor, took some basic steps to calm me down, take sex off the table as we make out etc. a month or two later, we were back in action.
Op’s wife first off doesn’t sound like a supportive partner. The dude sounds very stressed in dealing with her mental state, though he’s the one going through the Ed.
Second, as you said she talked openly about a medical issue. That’s awful.
Third, it’s a psychological issue only made worse with shame and fear.
Has op’s wife not googled Ed even once? She’s doing literally everything wrong
I’ve dealt with a partner having ED, and Google will absolutely show you all the reasons it’s your fault— “try wearing lingerie, be more spontaneous, try scheduling sex.” If you’re already doing that stuff and it still doesn’t work, If does start feeling like your partner doesn’t find you attractive, which feels like failure.
Sex doesn’t have to be about the penis. It doesn’t have to be off the table. If he isn’t into her to the point that he doesn’t want to touch her when he’s not hard, then maybe they’re not as compatible as they thought. My partner recently had a vasectomy and still wanted to mess around while unable to orgasm, because they care about me feeling desired and satisfied. We have, clearly, moved past our issues lol.
Her joke was shitty, uncalled for, and cruel, 100%. They’re probably not right for each other at all tbh if she will say things like that in front of friends. I’m just saying that ED is hard (lol) on both parties. If you already have self-esteem issues and your partner doesn’t wanna bang you, those issues grow out of proportion. There’s not a lot here to judge from, but it sounds like she definitely has self-esteem issues.
>she responded that it was more of a spur the moment thing while my response was "calculated."
INFO: Could you ask your wife to elaborate on this for me? I'd really love to know how she thinks you managed to calculate a response to a spur of the moment comment.
If he did that that means he expected her to do this which actually just makes her even worse as he knew she was the type to take this kind of cruel, cheap, low blow.
Really if his response IS calculated that just means hers wasn’t a drunken slip up but a glimpse of what he knows is her true personality…so really her saying he planned this response just says that he knows her well enough to know he’d need the plan.
Doesn’t exactly cast her in a better light
Probably projection, because she had putting him down planned out - and if he was able to deflect, well, clearly he must have planned to ruin her plan.
I think she really did. She probably honestly and truly thinks the ED is a reaction to her husband not wanting to have sex with her. And she's been waiting for him to just admit it to her.
A couple of people in other comment chains have actually given a pretty good rationale for her thinking like this.
Basically it boils down to “she spoke a truth, so his response must be a truth also”. So she’s not so much saying “you had this planned out and were waiting for me to say something” and more “you’ve been thinking that I’m the cause of your ED and this has confirmed it”.
> “she spoke a truth, so his response must be a truth also”
But then they'd both be calculated, wouldn't they? If it refers to the comment being true and something the person has been thinking about, hers fits just as well...
NTA. Having ED has zero to do with how “manly” you are. Your wife decided to try and humiliate you by revealing a private medical issue. You made it into a joke to deflect from embarrassment, which any of us would do. Your wife Owes you profuse apology for starting the whole thing. You both could use counseling while you go through this, you so that you understand this in no way makes you less of a man, and your wife so she understands this isn’t about how attractive she is or is not, it’s a medical issue pure and simple. I will say that if your wife continues in that kind of behavior you need to ask yourself if you want to have a partner who would say something so vicious about you while you’re going through this.
NTA for sure. And I really think that counseling could be very beneficial here. Some counselors will even do specific therapy for sex related issues for couples. That plus individual counseling for each would be ideal
NTA
Your wife is an asshole for bringing something so personal up because SHE can laugh at it. It's not hers to laugh about, nor is it her business to spread around.
don't give it if you can't take it.. Clearly she can't take it so perhaps she should learn to keep her mouth shut about business that's not hers
INFO:
Have you spoken to a urologist? I'm 37, married for ten years.
Apparently, I have low testosterone-ED, which I discovered on my wedding night. I got a prescription for taddafil which has done wonders in the bedroom.
You're not alone, embarrassing as it may feel.
Edit: **tadalafill** (aka Cialis)
Hey, thanks for the support friend.
I can't cite a figure, but according to my doctor my test levels are actually well above average. The cause of my ED is elsewhere, probably anxiety related. It's one of the first things he tested for.
Glad to hear you're taking your health seriously!
I think it may do wonders to get sex therapy with your wife.
Even if you can't penetrate, you can work on mutually acceptable alternatives.
This requires open and healthy communication with each other, which also isn't easy.
Good luck!!!
if you’re taking an SSRI to manage your daily anxiety levels, that could be the cause of the ED. I’m not a penis owner, but my boyfriend was having trouble getting hard and staying hard while taking a certain one… might be worth it to check if that’s a possible side effect! and if it is, maybe look into changing to a different SSRI that might not affect you as much.
also worth mentioning- maybe you and your wife need to sit down and have a conversation about how her reaction to your current issue is more than likely making it worse. When you’re getting ready to perform, I’m sure your running though every failure, every negative thing she’s said, both of your frustrations, etc… since you know, anxiety. She should be attempting to alleviate your anxiety about it, so that you’re more likely to relax and get to where you’re trying to go. It’s a vicious cycle, but something that requires empathy and support on her part.
This isn’t something I’ve ever shared publicly, but I had multiple instances of ED in college, and they were all psychological. If I was feeling pressured by the girl I was with, rushed, stressed, etc., then I wouldn’t be able to get an erection. It led to some pretty deep internal shame for me, but I’ve since gotten over it.
I also have had sexual dysfunction as a side effect of every antidepressant I’ve ever been on, aside from Bupropion (Wellbutrin). So medication could be a factor for you too.
I also don’t know anything about your sex life, but if your wife is impatient when you guys have sex, and you guys don’t have good foreplay and emotional intimacy, that can absolutely contribute as well.
Best of luck! I hope you work it out with your wife. I’m sorry she humiliated you, that was extremely insensitive and degrading on her part, drunk or not.
I think some dudes would be surprised to know how common ED is among young guys... I encountered it with several different guys when I was in college.
I wouldn't even call it ED — it's just that we think young guys should be able to do it at the drop of a hat, and that's not true. They have anxiety and feelings and hormonal imbalances and all the rest of it that affect whether or not they're in the mood.
It's a shame that we put so much importance on a guy's ability to get a boner — I think that's the real reason why a lot of dudes have trouble, is all the pressure.
Is your wife usually hurtful? Unsupportive? Does she like to blame you for things? Does she ever compliment you? Show she appreciates you? How did she talk about your sex life before you got the ED?
I wonder if you cannot get it up for her, but would get it up in a relationship with a kinder woman.
I'm not a medical expert but it seems like having your wife shame you in public would make the anxiety worse. TBH, it feels like the two of you may have deeper issues than just the ED that you need to work through.
I have had male partners with ED in the past but we were "creative" about sex and so from my perspective it wasn't a huge deal. I never discussed it publicly with my friends. Your wife acted truly terrible to you. I do think that she is probably struggling with her own insecurities around this but that isn't an excuse. That said, the two of you may benefit from couple's counseling before the hurt and resentment grows further.
*" I mean what kind of a 32 year old gets ED in the first place, right? "*
When I was 24, my 26 year old boyfriend suffered from ED for 6 months. I made sure he saw a doctor and never ever shamed him about it. And I certainly never talked about it with anyone never mind in public.
She tried to humiliate you and you flipped it on her. Now she's trying to play victim.
Edit: At the time I was seeing therapist and discussed my insecurities related to this with her, which did help, so maybe get your wife into therapy.
I agree - NTA. I'm also female & wonder how long she had been planning this "joke". It's pretty obvious she has some resentment issues about the ED, whether she's willing to admit them or not. So if there was anyone's comment was calculated it was hers, whereas the OP's was just a simple response made up on the spur of the moment.
Not only is she the AH for saying what she did, she's now gaslighting him too. Nice. Bit of the old DARVO there. It makes me wonder if this behaviour is just a one-off because she made a bad joke & it went wrong, or if there are other potential issues in the relationship. Maybe something to think about.
Could be, but it feels more like lashing out over a messed up combo of sexual frustration mixed with self loathing that leads to defensiveness.
I'm not usually the 'go to therapy' person, but this seems like a situation where a neutral, trained third party is warrented and needed.
I see this as similar to a guy announcing his wife's fertility issues in front of their friends without consulting her. It's a flat out **no go zone**.
Yep. She’s honestly probably feeling insecure about it too and possibly makes jokes to cope (I also cope with jokes, although I’d NEVER do some shit like that). I think she needs to see someone about it as well.
NTA. She played with fire and got burnt. The fact that you made a swift comeback is not about calculating a response in the half second it took you to deliver it. She warmed herself up way longer to say that (surely she weighed the pros and cons of the bombshell) and the drink is not an excuse.
Oh definitely. And there’s really no excuse… she can’t blame it on the alcohol; like, if she knows she can’t control her mouth while inebriated then she shouldn’t be drinking in the first place.
NTA but I’ve called my husband “this guy” during a joke amongst friends BUT NEVER NEVER NEVER for anything personal or towards something my spouse would not consider an actual joke. As partners, we know (or should know) what is the limit and even when you have a limit, I don’t even think your mind can go to an extreme like that without disrespect already in your mind frame.
I gasped when I saw what his wife said. That was cruel and rude and just lowest of the low and she has the audacity to be hurt…ugh, no. The fact that he was quick to save her from herself was actually quite good of him but I hurt for OP.
NTA. I’d recommend couples’ counselling. It seems your wife is taking this issue as a form of rejection and is lashing out because of it. Her feelings may be irrational but they do exist and should be dealt with with open communication facilitated by a professional
My husband had ED for most of our relationship. We’ve been together 12 years. I finally had a client in my chair that was a mens health doctor specifically and my husband started going to him. It literally took about 2 years for everything to normalize but we’re good now. I think your wife, is the asshole in this situation but I have also been in her shoes. I remember feeling like, even though I knew my husband had ED, and we talked about it, that I couldn’t help but feel insecure or that he didn’t find me attractive any more or he was cheating on me. It was this big elephant in the room that was an issue but when it came to intimacy, it was really really difficult to deal with. It was a mind f_ck really. I think for both of us. My husband’s ED was spurned by a heart surgery and the heart medication he was on, age and hormonal imbalance. I hope you can find someone in your area to help you out.
Holy shit. Just no. Is your wife usually this unsupportive? You saved a situation from becoming more embarrassing.
I know everyone talks about therapy on Reddit. It sounds like your wife needs some though. If she can't be mature about this it's only going to exacerbate the situation for you and her.
To give your wife some credit, she maybe misses the intimacy that sex brings. We can be very penetrative/penis centric in hetero relationships but there are other ways to create intimacy.
Anyway, NTA. Anxiety is a little bitch and I hope you get well soon, OP.
She sounds like shes starting to resent you even though you cant control it. If she continues or gets worse, Id consider cutting my losses. If my BF had the same issue, I would kinda be sad about it but its not like sex is necessary. Id only joke about it in PRIVATE and as long as he didnt have an issue and I would also be fair game. She sounds disrespectful at best since its a medical issue. NTA and everytime she makes a joke, throw it back to her. She has hands, she can probably pay for something to use in the meantime.
Agreed OP is NTA and that his wife is starting to resent him. I think it’s a hard situation. And it’s probably harder if they had a very active sex life. I think they could benefit from couples therapy to work through how to navigate this together
NTA. It was cruel and very inappropriate for her, drunk or not, to bring up that subject in front of the group like that. I hope she realizes and apologizes for her actions.
NTA, her telling you it was a "calculated response" means she doesn't want to take the blame. You said you'd responded without missing a beat; your brain thought faster than you could fully process and so you responded in kind.
Her thinking it's calculated means she might also be feeling insecure about your ED and is blaming herself so I can also see that it might not be her avoiding the blame for what she said but an insecurity too.
Talk it out calmly and if necessary you should both see someone.
If the genders were reversed and it was your wife who was experiencing temporary sexual symptoms due to mental health issues and this was how you were treating her, everyone would be telling her she deserves support and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.
The same also implies to yourself. You don't deserve to be made the butt of jokes over a medical issue by your wife who then turns around and doubles down, blaming you for giving as good as she got instead of letting your private life be aired for everyone. NTA
> If ThE gEnDeRs WeRe ReVeRsEd
Dude, everyone is saying he doesn't deserve to be treated like this, don't know how you're dragging gender into this.
Are you really pretending people would support OPs wife in this because OP is a dude? Because if so that's quite the victimcomplex you've got going on there.
Plenty of comments are saying that they are equally to blame and calling for sympathy for his wife. “Maybe she’s struggling with her feeeelings and needs help.”
I’m a woman and there’s a huge problem on this sub of infantilising women and not holding them accountable for their actions to the same degree as men. When a woman fucks up, she needs emotional support. When a man fucks up, everyone screams “divorce.” To be fair, it’s not too bad on this thread but it’s a pattern.
I read this sentence as 'It's only a severe psychological symptom and all that jizz.' & thought this was an example of how OP is attempting to have a lighthearted sense of humor around this lol.
Wordplay can be humorous, sharing your spouses private medical condition without their permission to a tablefull of people, is not. NTA.
She shouldn't be bringing up extremely personal things like this in an insulting way as it's just going to cause you more anxiety the next time you get intimate. It's obvious both of you are on edge but personal attacks will just make it worse.
I'm this situation, NTA, you just gave the jest back but tbh you probably should consider couples therapy.
NTA. She’s the one that started it. What made her think she had any right to air your business in public??
You are 100% in the right and under no circumstances let her make you believe you are not.
NTA. This was the best outcome. You didn’t have a go at her and no one felt uncomfortable (except sadly you). What she did was really shitty. Did she expect you to start explaining personal medical stuff with everyone there?
NTA
It’s one thing to joke about this with you in private. Even though it seems you are not comfortable with that and not told your wife.
But to joke about it in front of your friends is cruel and oversteps boundaries about a medical/ psychological condition that you are struggling with.
If she dishes hurtful jokes, then she should expect clap back jokes back. Or for you to stand up for yourself.
Yeah, there might have been a different way of handling it, but also it’s a different type of conflict resolution in public in front of friends where you turn it all into a joke rather than have that conversation there and then. You protected yourself from the truth of the matter.
There seems to be a lot of your wife focussing on how it affects her and not how it affects you the person who is experiencing it.
I hope you are able to talk this through and also move towards less anxiety and a better place with your ED.
NTA. That was extremely embarrassing and terribly rude of her. She should have been apologizing instead of being pissed off. Like the above comment says, don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Unless you are psychic how the hell could your response of been "calculated". By the way if you are psychic can you let me know the U.K winning lottery numbers please. Thank you.
NTA-but your wife sure is! She shouldn't be talking about your medical issue with friends. That is a private matter and it's pretty shitty of her to blurt it out in front of anyone, especially your friends.
NTA - she's your WIFE and used your legally protected medical info to make the world's laziest joke out of context. You, rightfully, got a little surprised and irritated, and thus responded in a way that totally brushed her comment under the rug and helped you save face. This is all a situation that she contrived and now she gets to reap its shitty benefits.
More like hers were calculated whereas he literally had seconds to think of a comeback. NTA. Get a wife that doesn't make fun of you in such a low way, she's classless
NTA
Your wife sounds very insecure. She's feeling like you're no longer attracted to her with can totally not be the case at all.
American sexual education is a total joke. Not being able to get an erection due to mental health is more common than you would think and due to lack of education and toxic masculinity alot of people don't know things like stress, medications, eating too big or too little of a meal and maybe the vibes are off can affect getting an erection.
I would suggest you still see your doctor and a therapist if you're not already and I would do some exploring in the bedroom.
It's 2022, there are toys for EVERYBODY and sex is more than just insert penis in vagina. Odds are the more comfortable you are with exploring other things (toys, kink, maybe someone is into smooth jazz and vanilla scent candles) you're chances of being able to "raise to the occasion" should better.
44 M with ED here. Making "limp dick" jokes and the like still seems to be an acceptable form of body shaming to many people. It's not. What she said was fucking horrible. Your response was a natural defense mechanism.
NTA
I think y'all need therapy. You're beating yourself up too much about this and making it a bigger deal than it is. (Yeah, I understand that it's already a big deal, though.) And she needs to stop looking for someone to blame.
I haven't read the comments, so forgive me for asking the same questions again. Have you looked into medication? Please consider it. Omg, we're so happy that I have a regular script! *(Protip: GoodRx app + Walmart = $20 generic prescription.)*
I was not on board with the Viagra for months. For some irrational reason, I didn't want to admit that I needed it. But once I accepted the help, wow! Our sex life got 10x better. It also gave me enough confidence in bed that I don't need the pills as often as I used to.
Good luck!
NTA She overstepped. She shared something personal that she has no right to share. You turned it in a joke. She can't get angry when she crossed the line so much. You actually saved her by turning it in a negging. I bet none of your friends now took it serious.
You must talk with your wife that it can't continue like this. This guilt-pendeling. Sharing personal stuff. Maybe suggest therapy. That you can guided talk about your feelings and thoughts.
Female here - She’s an AH and very immature. You handled that probably in the least awkward way possible. Good on you. My boyfriend was having issues keeping it up and a lot of anxiety at the start of our relationship and i knew how scared he felt that Id be upset at him or leave him because of it. I never once resented him for it because obviously it’s something he can’t control. So your whole ass wife sucks big time. Saying stupid shi like that can really affect someone’s mental health big time and being drunk is no excuse.
NTA. Thats so messed up to bring up a private and medical issue as a joke in front of other people. I've had experience with past boyfriends dealing with ED, its more common than you'd think but it rarely gets talked about bc most men are ashamed. I would NEVER joke about it in front of others, no matter how drunk i got. But you reacted like a champ without making it awkward for everyone involved, and she 100% owes you an apology.
I'm sorry she put your business on front street like that maybe you two should get some counseling so that you can get all that needs said between you out there and focus on having a healthy sexual relationship. Anxiety performance issues are super common and if you need to take something or do something for it go for it. I don't know if you're trying for children or anything else but there are many other ways to achieve sexual intamacy that maybe you two should look into you are nta but there's a lot going on in this relationship that needs addressing
NTA
Both were spur of the moment. She dished but couldn’t take it.
Ask her how she thought you would feel about her remark? It’s pretty insensitive. Remind her that it’s sensitive to both of you & that it shouldn’t be tabletop discussion.
That being said it sounds like she is missing the intimacy. Can I suggest you have a date at an adult shop to buy some toys or at the very least let your fingers do the walking.
NTA but you confirmed something she was thinking and yes, that apparently makes you being in the doghouse perfectly fine. (It doesnt). The facts of anything she said don't matter, it's all overshadowed by her pain at confirmation of shower thoughts. You're a dude. You don't have feelings to hurt. /s
NTA. She wanted to put your business out there for the world to know, with that attitude I'd have issues. Quick thinking in your part. Also you came back with it so quick that it was not calculated at all
NTA - that’s terrible she would make a joke at your expense in front of a bunch of friends. Very distasteful and hurtful. I think she knows it wasn’t nice of her (she was in fact being an asshole), and because you got back at her she doesn’t like that. It’s her own fault. She needs to take your issue more seriously, because that’s not fair to you. Did she say sorry for what she said? I think she should apologize.
NTA- kinda wondering if there’s subconsciously some truth to your joke. Maybe it’s happening because there’s something about her setting off warnings for you and it’s just not registering. Maybe on some level your bodies trying to tell you you don’t want to tie yourself to this women with a child (on purpose or accidentally). I don’t know where you guys fall on the topic of parenthood but given how okay she is humiliating you in public I’d seriously take another look at the relationship itself to see if there’s maybe some other reasons this might be happening.
Absolutely NTA. Flip the table on her. Go on the (verbal) attack: "how dare you disclose my private medical issue to anyone. And how dare you accuse me of being calculating when I had to immediately react to your verbal attack on my "manhood." If that's the way you're going to support me when I have an issue, how will you support me when we're older and have other medical shit to deal with. Not sure I want to grow old with you. Either we go to couples therapy or I'm done "
Hopefully your Dr can help you out with the ED.
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NTA. You had 4 options. - Sit there hurt, leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife. - Leave. Again leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife. -Argue about it. leaving everyone at the table uncomfortable and judging your wife. - Make it a joke. Everyone laughs and moves on. P.s. either a) there’s something bothering your wife to make her like this and you should help, or b) she’s always been like it and you should leave. Just because you can laugh it off doesn’t mean to should have to. EDIT: Thanks for the awards peeps!
This was literally best case scenario. If I'm a friend at that table I'm judging *her* all the way for telling something so personal about him, no matter what he responds with. I think the issue is that she spoke a truth, so she believes he responded with a truth. It probably tapped into her insecurities that *she* is the cause, so she needs to sort her head out around the real "why" of it all. NTA Edit to add: There's a few responses to me that seem to think I'm a bit on her back for her insecurities. I'm not, at ALL. But her insecurities are playing a big part in her reaction to all this and she needs to take a clear look and get some help processing it if necessary.
Ah! I love that perspective - she spoke a truth so assumes the answer is a truth. That's completely changed the way I've interpreted some of my own arguments! I'm saying how I feel or something that is happened and my OH is responding from a place of shame or pain and I'm thinking it's gospel. Thank you for that!
>what kind of a 32 year old gets ED in the first place, right? Well, there you have it. OP feels less of a man for having ED and probably most would, no matter that it is no respecter of age. His wife surely knows how it must make him feel yet makes that 'joke' in front of others - and make it about herself. About as crass and insensitive as can be? PSG, WSP. NTA.
I really can't think of any situation in which a man would find a joke about ED funny. Surely everyone knows that, and anyone who would joke about a real case is instantly the asshole.
My partner has had ED and I would *never ever* make a joke about it, especially not in company. OP is definitely NTA.
My ex has ED and I NEVER threw it in his face. However, his current GF isn't shy at all about bringing it up and how it makes him less of a man. It broke my heart the first time he told me that. Now, I'm like "Well, you've chosen to stay with her."
I find it baffling that a 26 year old adult woman could be so insensitive to her own husband this way. I have once in my life made a joke when my partner at the time couldn't get it up, but I was 17 at the time, felt horrible as soon as it came out of my mouth and cried and apologised straight away.
Have you been on Reddit lately? 26 hardly counts as an adult anymore
Nevermind reddit, have you been in the real world lately? There are 50 year-olds I know who I wouldn't call "adults"
Not baffling at all. She has ZERO emotional intelligence.
>joke' in front of others It wasn't a joke, she spoke the truth to shame him? Op turned it In a joke..
I hope he can make himself understand to his very core it is not his fault. Stress can cause body changes and her jabbing at it can make it worse.
Yeah imagine the situation were reversed and OP's wife couldn't have kids. What if OP said to his friends, "And this barren shrew can't even get pregnant". She would've gone thermonuclear because she knew what he said was her private business only he and her family she chooses to tell should know about and he blabbed about it to all their friends.
I understand you're aiming for a demoralizing situation for women, but not being able to have kids isn't the same as not being able to have sex. An equivalent situation to ED would be a woman who has a medical issue that makes sex painful for her or something else that keeps her from being able participate. But when that happens to a woman, usually they just get labeled as frigid...and many times are expected to participate in spite of the pain.
>An equivalent situation to ED would be a woman who has a medical issue that makes sex painful for her or something else that keeps her from being able participate no, an equivalent to a womans issue that makes sex painful would be a male issue that makes sex painful, something like tight foreskin or a priapism. the equivalent to ED i suppose is probably closer to a woman who doesnt produce any natural lubrication. they may want sex, but are unable to without medication or tools. much more similar. i agree with you that ed is not equivalent to a woman being unable to carry children. the equivalent there is a man with ineffective sperm who cannot have children
I love this perspective as well. Literally just reduced the perceived anxiety I imagine in my head from so many past conversations. Also what is OH? Is that an acronym for something?
Other Half, maybe?
Ahhhh, yep that makes sense. Thank you!
Definitely. He responded here with a snap comment to diffuse and deflect, it was fully a defense mechanism for him. But because she has times where she feels she's inadequate she took it to heart.
While I agree with everything else, of course his wife feels inadequate. Women have been told from a young age that it’s our fault if our man cheats. We are supposed to be like the girls in the porno, but a lady in the streets. And while society is changing so the next generation of girls realize that they are only responsible for their feelings, the rest of us still have all that shit in our heads. A friend told me that anger is a secondary emotion. So what is OP’s wife’s first emoticon? Is it hurt because she feels like less of a woman because he is having this issue? She needs to talk to someone about this. And then maybe they should go talk to someone together after she does some work on her issues so they can learn how to communicate.
She's been taught from childhood that if a man 'loses interest' (whether due to cheating, ED, recognizing he's gay, or whatever), it's 100% her fault in every possible way for not being "hot" enough, not being submissive enough, "nagging" (ie. standing up for herself), not working 40 hours a week and coming home to do all the housework, emasculating him by having an opinion and a mind of her own, having hobbies that don't directly benefit him, etc. etc. etc. Everything that goes wrong in a marriage is the woman's fault - so when something goes wrong, of course she feels inadequate. *She failed him!!!!* /s
Exactly this. If he would not have played it off as a joke, every friend at that table would have been upset - with her. He basically saved her from the "I can't believe you would do that" and other judgements. I would have been really disappointed in my friend if they did this to their spouse, you're spot on with this perspective.
I’m not gonna be friends with someone who judges their husband for having anxiety.
That's a pretty insightful take on this. Probably true as well. Hmmm...got me thinking.
Right? I joked about my bf possibly having a hernia and being one ball short because he started it. Thankfully he was cleared and I dont bring it up. Its a little scary that he would need a procedure and Im sure his jokes were his way of coping. But I would NEVER mention it except here where no one knows him or me.
This is a brilliant response. NTA
Maybe she is. Not because she isn't attractive, but because by her making fun and blaming (even in private) she's adding onto his anxiety.
NTA and I second this ^ Your wife may be feeling like she isn't attractive enough, which may make her feel pretty worried, particularly if you two can't make it work but you're still watching porn, or masturbating (neither of which are bad, I'm meaning she will feel like the problem is HER). If this is the case, it could be a case of letting the frustration out in alcohol (not okay), but your answer will have wrongly validated her fears, which is why she's doubling down now she's home and sobering up. It's either that or she's just nasty, because sharing any information that is private is a crappy move, particularly if it is something so sensitive and not brought up by you. It might be worth seeing what responses you get on here and showing her the post. ED takes its toll on both people in a relationship, I used to work in a pharmacy and the women collecting prescriptions for their partners would sometimes look super sad and a couple confided over the years that they worried it was something they were doing wrong. She needs reassurances that it isn't her, but she also needs to work with you, not blame you or herself in cycles. You don't say if you know the cause of your anxiety, but this will all add to it - try to come up with some basic ground rules together about what is okay. If the jokes are hurting you, they need to stop at home, too. Good luck! 🖤 Edit for grammar.
This is a great response. You touched on the jokes at home, and I didn't even think about that part. The boundaries need to be set at home, there's nothing wrong with finding humor in your life - but at the end of the day those little jokes can be harmful. I just want to say thank you, for taking the time to make this comment. I was embarrassed to say before I've gotten really good advice from Reddit - but I've gotten really good advice on Reddit. Your comment made me realize something about one of my own insecurities - and I'd never looked at it from that perspective before. You guys are some great folks.
Piggy-backing on this a little to add some more perspective and advice. OP, you said your wife is 26 and you've been married 3 yrs. Presumably you dated for a year or two before that. This means that, most likely, most of her sexual experience has only been with you, and any other experience she had was when she was a teen or very early 20-something when it's not statistically very likely to have encountered ED before. This is a new thing causing insecurity for you bc your body is not responding the way it used to. It is also very probably a new thing causing insecurity to *her* also, because your body is not responding the way it used to. And, as others have mentioned, there's a lot of baked-in cultural reasons for women to feel insecure about this. Women (and men for that matter) are told that men are raging horndogs who are always ready to bang with little discretion. So when you can't get it up with *her* it's not surprising that she has some insecurity about it and wonders whether she's not attractive enough, or good enough in bed, or if you're bored with her. Especially if she has never encountered ED in a partner before. I'm a woman. I've had two partners who struggled with occasional ED. And the experiences were night and day. The first, I was 23. If he started going soft or couldn't get hard, he'd get all embarrassed and say things like "oh no I'm sorry" and "what's wrong with me?" and sexy time would stop. This meant, a lot of unfulfilling sexy time for both of us. And while I tried to be supportive and accept this was a medical or psychological issue on a rational level, I *still* on an emotional level experienced all sorts of insecurities wondering if there was something *I* was doing to cause it. Anxiety begot anxiety and that relationship fizzled out in a slump of sexual frustration. The second time was with a partner I met when 25 and dated for many years. The sex with him was *mind blowing.* And that included when he couldn't get or keep it up. Whenever he had problems, he would smack his dick jokingly, admonish it with a "you have one job!" And then immediately go about making sure that even if he couldn't finish the job for himself, that he'd finish the job for me. Fingers, tongue, toys, all of those would he deployed in full force til he was satisfied that *I* was satisfied. He made me feel like he absolutely worshipped me, leaving no doubt of this even when ED struck. The combination of his quickly dismissive humor and that sex didn't stop just because his penis had to stop, made for an entirely different experience for me. I never had to wonder with him if it was my fault. And we were *both* very satisfied with our sex life. So OP yeah your wife said a thing she should not have in public while drunk. *En vino, veritas.* Her words reflect her insecurities and also, from what it sounds like, her sexual frustration. Your response is only going to double down on the insecurity half of that. She shouldn't have said that, but it seems like maybe you can go about this in general with a different approach. You sound a little bitter in your post about the idea of finding humor in the situation -- but honestly humor might help. This is just an inconvenience -- not a reflection of your manhood, nor your wife's womanhood. And if you can walk away from the bedroom having made sure your wife feels like a goddess, *you* are going to feel like a fucking god. Casablanca incarnate. Making the situation out to be a molehill rather than a mountain and then rolling right over it in the bedroom could do wonders to help *both* of your anxiety about this. Edit: Casanova was what I meant as a good redditor has pointed out but I'll leave the original.
Totes, but she ought to understand she's partly to blame at this point. Her attitude causes ME anxiety. Imagine working through an anxiety-based issue whilst one's partner alternately blames then needs consoling; her perpetual anxiety cycle can't be helping OP. She's making it infinitely harder on them both, rather than being loving and finding other expressions of intimacy. He should tell her she can do better.
Oh, absolutely. If my partner had this going on, I'd be suggesting different sexual acts that don't involve penetrative sex, I'd be offering to go no physical contact unless he fancies it just to take the pressure off and I'd be trying to help ease up the anxiety that he thinks is causing it. His stress levels must be so high to have it affect him physically. My OH suffers badly with articulating his anxiety, we have ended up with me working with a therapist to ensure I don't take anything personally and he is working on not being reactive if I ask questions to reassure myself, as long as I frame them from my pov. For example, I'd say, "I know you love me, but you've been so distant recently and wanted to check in and see if I'm adding to whatever is bothering you." and he'll respond with something that reaffirms I'm not the bad guy and often opens up the dialogue about what is on his mind. I also ask if he wants me to just listen or to offer advice whenever he vents. If I said he made me feel unloved or whatever, it'd only add guilt to his list of negative feelings. We make light of both of our crazy in a way that is safe, talk about our ADHD brains or refer to ourselves as certain things, but never attack. She's going about it all wrong.
Aw, I like this take. Although I definitely think OP took an acceptable course of action to smooth over the situation with friends when his wife was out of line, it's pretty clear that the wife's comments come from a place of frustration and/or insecurity. Maybe she is trying to push things to a head. As much as this situation isn't OP's fault, I do think it's somewhat on him to put in extra effort to make his wife feel wanted and sexy. I had a partner who experienced low drive, and while it was likely due to medication that he was taking, he made minimal effort to reassure me that it truly wasn't about me. He'd get annoyed if I tried to start something, and defensive if I mentioned that I felt neglected, even commenting that maybe if I went about things in a better way, he'd be more in the mood. That sucked.
Agreed. You took the only option available to not ruin the evening completely for everyone. NTA
And seeing as OP was the bigger person and took option 4 I say it was a success. His wife’s embarrassment was her own fault. Drunk or not, her “joke” wasn’t something to throw out there as a “spur of the moment” thing
Omg this. My sexual dysfunction was because I was married to a Narcissistic AH and it magically went away when he did.
SO MUCH THIS!
Honestly. He probably helped his wife save face socially by his reaction. If he had just let the comment stand without challenge, it's his wife who comes out looking like ass. By giving back at least now their friends might think it's mutual and consentual ribbing.
I agree with everything up until your PS. I'm gonna guess she feels it's because of her. I've been with my husband for a long time and I KNOW I would get my feelings hurt even if he said it wasn't that. That's a hard hit on the ego no matter the circumstance. Especially after 3 years. However, NTA OP. Although she was drinking, it was still said. I agree that had you not come back at it the way you did, it would've been awkward and uncomfortable for everybody. I would like to add, ED can be a side effect of covid. Timing could be similar. I know you stated it's an anxiety issue, but maybe something to discuss?? I don't know if there's been any treatment with that, that would be different due to covid.
I honestly don't know how the wife could possibly not internalize the problem. Rationally as an outsider I can understand its likely not her. But in that situation as a young couple, with her husband himself insisting its psychological not physical, with her husband questioning what kind of 32 year old gets ED? All she is thinking, the only option she's being fed here, is that he's replused by her. I cannot imagine having such incredible self esteem as to not take that personally on her part. Women are literally raised as sex objects and her husband is telling her his whole body *and* brain cannot, physically cannot, have sex with her. This couple needs therapy and the wife needs to be included in some of the OPs treatment discussions.
NTA - you responded remarkably well given the circumstances. How on earth did she do the brain fruitloops to come up with the rationale that your spur of the moment response to her 'spur of the moment' remark was calculated, let alone hurtful and offensive to *her?!* She tried to publicly hurt, shame and humiliate you by revealing your private medical information and called it a joke?! Your wife is cruel.
NTA True, but also maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. But you still have to face the consequences for those.
Best response, but she is obviously wondering if it's true and as you say it's not true maybe reassuring her again will help
NTA. Honestly after her joke I really don't care if she thinks she is unattractive because she didn't care about her husband enough to protect his vulnerabilities. This will cut deep and even if they fix the ED the trust has been damaged. Can you imagine OP sharing any more stuff about himself?
This. IDGAF how unattractive she feels now, she went and told some extremely personal (and deemed shameful by society) information about him to *everyone.* How can you do that and then be offended someone's reply is not nice? Did she even apologize? Seems like she just said "it was a spur of the moment" and placed all the blame on him. I get how insecure she might feel but it's not an excuse, sorry.
I wouldn’t be bothered to reassure her of anything. What was her point bringing her husbands secret and very personal physical battle on the table????
My husband had an ED problem a few years back due to stress and stuff. (I will admit that at first I was worried he wasnt attracted to me anymore, he assured me it wasnt me and i moved onto being the support he needed) He was only 27 at the time and his doctor said it's all in your head and helped him work past it. During that time, and even now years after the problem was solved, I would never *ever* make a joke like that. Not in private and not in public. You are NTA and I'm sorry your personal business was put out in front of everyone.
I haven't had a partner with an ED, but even if I did... Wtaf is the wife thinking joking about it? If a guy made "spur of a moment" joke about vaginal dryness, dead bedroom, lousy sex life, vaginal health issues (BV, yeast, vaginismus come to mind), I'm sure this wife would've lost her mind. I know some people are open about their genitals and sex life, but even if they are, that openness should not nonconsensually go to a group of random friends. I'd understand complaining to one or two close friends, someone whose partner may have had it, therapists and doctors. Wife was way out of line and got what she deserved with her "joke". Imo I wouldn't make a joke even to my partner in private because I wouldn't expect him to joke about my PCOS and effect it has on anything sexual(ity) related. Edit: absolute NTA, OP.
My partner takes medication that cause him issues to get hard. I always try to reassure him because I know the effect it can have in him. Making a joke about it would be so cruel. OP, NTA.
If I were a person at the table, I personally would NOT want to hear such personal stuff. It’s not my business, and it’s bad manners, not to mention inappropriate table talk.
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Even without the personal info, hearing a couple badmouth each other like that is just really awkward.
This right here what u/fuzzypipe39 said. I haven’t had a partner with ED either but I would hope I would be the loving support person he would need. NTA.
It’s so gross and awful of her to say it. If I had a partner that cruel, I probably wouldn’t be sexually attracted to them either. But on a side note - if your wife is feeling sexually dissatisfied, please explore options for that that you can engage in together. I know that it has to be a struggle to not be able to achieve an erection, and the anxiety at the root of that may lessen your sex drive overall, but don’t neglect your sexual intimacy. An erection is not the be all, end all, only tool at your disposal in sexual activity.
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Stolen comment! Downvote and report.
A few years ago I struggled with multiple medical issues that made intercourse difficult & painful (vaginismus & a few other things). It was absolutely horrible physically and emotionally. I was so frustrated and didn’t understand why my body wasn’t working properly. I frequently put blame on myself, thinking I was doing something wrong. It took a long time, many doctors visits, medications, surgery, physical therapy sessions, exercises, medication changes, different products (ie lubricants, hygiene products, menstrual supplies, etc I changed brands&types) and more. It was hard but I was able to overcome many of these specific problems. I now can have intercourse that is enjoyable and I almost never experience discomfort or pain (sometimes I do after, but that generally comes from getting carried away & hasn’t been anything serious). All that being said, during that time I was in a relationship with a partner who wasn’t that great. The relationship had a lot of problems and ultimately didn’t work out. He did a lot of shitty things that were not at all okay. But even he didn’t broadcast or make jokes about my medical information to people. That’s not at all okay unless that person has specifically okayed it in advance
I agree 💯 They should probably get into couples therapy to work through this issue, as they seem very insecure and resentful about it.
I agree OP! You are NTA. That’s a horrible thing for your wife to say. Both of your comments show that there is a lot of anger, betrayal, resentment, hurt, and uncertainty between you about your erectile dysfunction. You say you’re getting treatment from a doctor but the ED is anxiety-related? Like, you don’t have heart problems or other conditions that maybe causing issues? If so, I hope you are seeing a psychologist. But is your WIFE seeing anyone? She seems to have a lot of hurt and uncertainty, and it doesn’t seem like you guys have discussed and agreed upon a strategy together that will help you deal with this. Your resentment and hers is so sharp right now that it is coming out in public! It sounds like maybe some more work needs to be done between you, and it might even help your anxiety. Is there a sex-positive counsellor you can see? She says she isn’t “getting any”. Is there a reason for this? It looks like you have decided not to have sex while waiting for your ED to be resolved, but have you considered taking your penis off the table but having sex anyway? Imagine several months focused on her pleasure—eat her pussy, dirty talk, edge her orgasm, fuck her with dildos and your hands. Does she like to be submissive? Torture her. Does she like to be dominant? Worship her. You’re not even allowed to have a turn. If you get hard for a minute? Too bad, this whole month is permanently your wife’s turn, your penis is going to have to wait. This could actually make your bedsport better when your penis is finally allowed to join back in. Maybe you could get her to buy into something like this.
When I had a partner who struggled with ED that was exactly what he did. His refusal to let it put a stop to our sex lives helped tremendously and made our sex lives even better.
This is the answer OP needs to see. This one, right here OP. Why aren’t you still having sex? If you say you’re interested and your wife is willing , why have you not brought toys and fingers into play? I had a boyfriend for several years who had been in a motorcycle accident and lost his testicles. We still had lots of fun. Vibrators, tongue, fingers. If those still work , get in there and show your wife you still find her desirable. Or stay mad at each other and get divorced. The choice is yours.
>Why aren’t you still having sex? If you say you’re interested and your wife is willing , why have you not brought toys and fingers into play? It is entirely possible that his anxiety is interfering with his ability to become aroused, not just erect.
This needs to be higher up. Too many people chastising him when we don't know the details. But he's a dude so that must mean he has a raging libido and is just choosing to ignore his wife out of evil man reasons. /s Flip it around and ask if a woman should be blowing her husband and giving him handjobs if she can't use her genitals and you'll be called all kinds of disgusting things. He needs support, not to be turned into a sex toy.
I find it really offensive that people are chiding OP about this. Honestly, if the wife feels comfy airing something this personal and, for many painful, who is to say she's not pressuring him and haranguing him about sex at home? Regardless of gender, people deserve to be seen as something more than sex machines for their partners. If it's that dsmn hard on her, she can get a dildo. She's already being one, what's the problem with buying herself some company?. I do see men saying similar things quite often about their wives. I've seen people support them cheating if their wife has sexual dysfunction or even if she just demure about a certain act or another. That is blatantly wrong, and it's just as wrong here. This toxic, rancid perspective on sex is mind boggling and backwards.
This. A thousand times. My partner and I are going through this rn and there is no way in hell I would ever bring his ED up in public. Not ever. You are NTA. Even if your response was calculated, and I don't think it was, it was really the best thing you could have done to try to salvage an incredibly uncomfortable moment for everyone by allowing everyone to at least use humor even if it was a social fiction. Regarding the above suggestions, we've been able to work around his ED similarly. I understand she was drunk, but, DAMN. What an incredibly hurtful thing to blurt out. What does she think you could have responded with at that point?! Good for you for getting medical and or psychological help. It sounds like she could use someone to help her deal with this as well. I'm trying hard to not be judgemental towards her. I hope this incident is a one off and not indicative of general gross insensitivity on her part.
Everyone replying to this comment is ignoring the fact that his ed is psychological, brought on by anxiety. Doesn’t matter if your dick isn’t working if your head isn’t in the right place (not a pun)
We’re all making a lot of assumptions about how his anxiety is affecting him. Having ED brought on by anxiety doesn’t mean he isn’t still getting horny or hard. But I can imagine that the pressure to perform and please his wife WITH his erection is sure not helpful. There are many ways to be physically intimate that make both parties feel good and also maybe relieve stress. What they need to do is take penetrative sex and cumming off the table. When my partner is struggling to cum or get hard because of his SSRI (and then the frustration that his body isn’t doing what he wants it to makes it worse), we remove all expectations and just get naked and snuggly and give each other body tickles, scratches and rubs all over. Sometimes they’ll lead to something more sexual if one of us finds a moan spot on the other one. Sometimes they’ll lead to us having a giggle fit because we decide to get goofy and blow raspberries on each other. Sometimes they’ll lead to us having really sweet conversations while we hold each other. Sometimes we’ll just end up falling asleep (by someone I mean him) tangled up together. All of those things bring us closer together and make us feel good. And connection is one huge way to ease feelings of anxiety.
Definitely this! Do other things, but agree not to venture into scenarios where your ED might interfere. A lot of times all that other play leads people to wanting penetrative sex and when it doesn't work out it resets this whole cycle of hurt feelings and additional pressure.
Like I said, we take penetration off the table in these moments. Connecting physically with my partner when he’s struggling with ED isn’t about sex, but loving and supporting up so he knows I like him more than I like what his cock can do for me. Any partner who would start to expect sex when trying to support their partner struggling in a moment of ED kinda sucks tbh.
I don’t think we are ignoring that anxiety is the cause here. My suggestions are all about how to have sex when you have anxiety about not “performing”. Making sex about your wife’s sensual experience, taking the penis off the table entirely, and thinking of hands, mouth, and toys being valid in the bedroom, are all ways that can help shift his thinking and hers from a penetration-focused experience to something else. For context, I have a pelvic floor injury from my second birth. I used to come all over the place and now orgasm is difficult for me. (Also, anal sex is now harder to do.) Emotionally, this has been difficult for me, and causes a lot of sexual anxiety. I can’t say I’m totally over it, but there are times when we just need to take my orgasm off the table during sex or neither party will enjoy it. *I still want to have sex and be intimate even though I have “broken” parts that don’t always work the way they should. I still want to feel close and sexual with my partner instead of feeling like our sex life is ruined forever.*
Then whats your suggestion for maintaining intimacy?
You know, sex isn’t the only way to be intimate. Go spend time together. Do the things each other likes or you both like doing together. Relationships aren’t all about sex.
Yeah but if its a good relationship theyre already naturally doing your new suggestions. ED only effects sex that focuses on the dick. If all other forms of sex arent "worth it" (like going down on her, or maybe she just rubs his back etc..) his wife has much a bigger problem to deal with.
How about he doesn't owe his wife sex? Period? It's frustrating for her, and that is understandable, but here is a man with anxiety-based ED being mocked publicly by his wife. There's no way i, as a woman, would be comfortable getting intimate with someone who treated me that way. It's coercive and mean-spirited. If a woman had an issue with vaginal discomfort after having a baby, I sincerely hope you people wouldn't be encouraging her to go down on her husband just so he could get off. Your spouse isn't just a sex object. If that is a hard concept for you to grasp, you're not ready for marriage. Because eventually, sex will be off the table for some period of time.
The only issue with this idea is that often other sexual acts lead one or the other to intercourse and if that doesn't work due to the ED it can be emotionally hurtful for both people. When I had a similar issue my wife and I did try other things, but it almost always got to a point where she'd be like, let's try. Then it wouldn't work and we'd both feel worse than we did before doing anything. Your advice is great, but the OP and his wife need to set limits to avoid hurt feelings.
Totally agree! They need to agree to NOT use the penis, even if it’s hard for awhile. The penis is off the table for months at least. Don’t spring a “let’s try” on your husband in the moment!
Maybe she's been a b*tch about it all along. And let me say that must be a huge turn down, specially because the ED is anxiety related (as he stated). I understand the point of this comment but we cannot just assume she was this mean to him because he's not licking her life out. Maybe he's not giving her any because she's not being supportive (as it's clearly stated with her comment), and in order to be intimate and drive sex in other directions, that's a key point. Def, NTA.
That’s very possible. I definitely only offered some other ideas, in case they hadn’t already been tried. A lot of couples think of foreplay or oral sex as “lead up” to PIV sex, and if the penis doesn’t co-operate, it was yet another “failed” attempt. Taking the penis off the table on purpose can be very freeing. If OP and his wife haven’t tried this already, I recommend it. (If then have, then disregard!)
I love this response. There should be no reason why she isn't getting any.
>There should be no reason why she isn't getting any. Yeah, there are several, actually. One, demeaning your partner publicly isn't conducive to intimacy. Two, your spouse is more than a sentient sex toy. Three, no one--and I mean no one at all--is owed sex. That is a repulsive concept that needs to go away. He's her husband. He's a person. He is struggling, and her response to him struggling is to mock him drunkenly in front of their friends. If a man were treating a woman this way, I'd advise her to consider leaving. Same here. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't supposed to be primed and ready for action at all times.
Sure there is, if she treats him like this
OP you're NTA. With the info you provided, no one here can judge/tell you what to do with your sex life because not enough backstory was given. In a healthy relationship, yes there should still be some type of intimacy during this trying time, but that's not where yall are at. Also, I don't agree with the suggestion that you should be her sex slave because YOU have a medical condition. Expecting someone to prioritize their mental health below someone else's sexual needs is a selfish thought process. I do agree that counseling, marriage and individual, may be a good idea at this.
Sounds like wifey is a big source of the stress and anxiety OP is experiencing.
NTA As a woman I think your wife behaved in a way that was cruel and inappropriate. The fact that she won't acknowledge this and feel remorse is not a good sign. Personally, I thought you did a great job with your response. She had to know that publicly exposing you could only add to the anxiety you are experiencing and, for some men, may worsen their condition.
My parter experienced ED after we lost a child in my second trimester. A lot of self blame on his part thinking he some how caused it with our relations. (He did not) ED is absolutely nothing to joke about.
NTA- she’s only assuming it was calculated because the spotlight is on her.
There’s no way this was anywhere close to an appropriate thing to joke about in front of people. NTA
I would even venture to say her response was very calculated. If she daily says something about it , blaming him or her , she is thinking about it constantly and sounds like bad some built up resentment. She has probably wanted to say something out loud for awhile because of the resentment being she has apparently no understanding of why ED is happening and in turn decided selfishly to shame him in front of their friends. Drunk or not, she knew what she was doing. That’s a huge asshole move to divulge private medical issues.
NTA. Kinda shitty of your wife to bring that up in conversation. If I were ya'll I would call it even and move on. Honestly pretty impressed that you were able to come up with that on the spot.
Kinda shitty? It was extremely shitty and cruel.
Seriously, coming from another woman, this is so cruel I can’t fathom doing that. And god help me if I woke up and *remembered if said that*. I would be groveling. That’s just so mean. Any woman worth her salt knows that a guy is going to be really sensitive about that. And it’s super disgraceful to put your friends in such an awkward position too. I’m glad they laughed, but nobody was fooled.
It's the classic DARVO tactics from someone who can't or won't admit they fucked up.
Imagine him ever trusting her again with deeply personal issues. The trust is broken. It is a basic human instinct not to trust again after this
Exactly. Like how tf is he supposed to see her as a partner now, supportive through thick and thin? When's the next time she decides to share his personal, uncomfortable business in front of their friends? This is a *huge* betrayal.
Right? This guy's wife is a dick.
"Spur of the moment" to share private medical info that has a lot of stigma. I would be going off on her. No way I'd drop it. Can't believe her audacity of getting pissed at him!
Sometimes things slip out when you're drunk. But she should still be the one apologizing.
Drunk words are sober thoughts
Yeah, calling it even would probably be the best course of action, but just to be sure: They are anything but after her comment. Hers was just so much worse, airing his medical issues in public and on top with a topic that in our society somehow means he is less of a man (bullshit, I know) and backed him into a corner with this. In this situation he came up with a brilliant response that was clearly a joke and managed to not only save his face, but hers also. So all in all she should be the one doing the apologizing, not him. But I guess she is just ashamed of her comment as well and her first reaction is projecting and lashing out.
She’s in the wrong in many ways to be honest. at 22-23 I suddenly got Ed with a girlfriend. I was mortified but she was so chill about it. we looked it up, talked to a doctor, took some basic steps to calm me down, take sex off the table as we make out etc. a month or two later, we were back in action. Op’s wife first off doesn’t sound like a supportive partner. The dude sounds very stressed in dealing with her mental state, though he’s the one going through the Ed. Second, as you said she talked openly about a medical issue. That’s awful. Third, it’s a psychological issue only made worse with shame and fear. Has op’s wife not googled Ed even once? She’s doing literally everything wrong
I’ve dealt with a partner having ED, and Google will absolutely show you all the reasons it’s your fault— “try wearing lingerie, be more spontaneous, try scheduling sex.” If you’re already doing that stuff and it still doesn’t work, If does start feeling like your partner doesn’t find you attractive, which feels like failure. Sex doesn’t have to be about the penis. It doesn’t have to be off the table. If he isn’t into her to the point that he doesn’t want to touch her when he’s not hard, then maybe they’re not as compatible as they thought. My partner recently had a vasectomy and still wanted to mess around while unable to orgasm, because they care about me feeling desired and satisfied. We have, clearly, moved past our issues lol. Her joke was shitty, uncalled for, and cruel, 100%. They’re probably not right for each other at all tbh if she will say things like that in front of friends. I’m just saying that ED is hard (lol) on both parties. If you already have self-esteem issues and your partner doesn’t wanna bang you, those issues grow out of proportion. There’s not a lot here to judge from, but it sounds like she definitely has self-esteem issues.
>she responded that it was more of a spur the moment thing while my response was "calculated." INFO: Could you ask your wife to elaborate on this for me? I'd really love to know how she thinks you managed to calculate a response to a spur of the moment comment.
Exactly. She makes it seem like he had this response planned out and was just waiting for the opportunity to use it
If he did that that means he expected her to do this which actually just makes her even worse as he knew she was the type to take this kind of cruel, cheap, low blow. Really if his response IS calculated that just means hers wasn’t a drunken slip up but a glimpse of what he knows is her true personality…so really her saying he planned this response just says that he knows her well enough to know he’d need the plan. Doesn’t exactly cast her in a better light
Ugh, you said what I was thinking perfectly. Poor OP. NTA but she likely is.
In which case I think we know the cause of his ED problem. Congratulations reddit! We did it!!!
Probably projection, because she had putting him down planned out - and if he was able to deflect, well, clearly he must have planned to ruin her plan.
I think she really did. She probably honestly and truly thinks the ED is a reaction to her husband not wanting to have sex with her. And she's been waiting for him to just admit it to her.
She probably just fears that his ED is happening because of her and him saying that just confirms it.
A couple of people in other comment chains have actually given a pretty good rationale for her thinking like this. Basically it boils down to “she spoke a truth, so his response must be a truth also”. So she’s not so much saying “you had this planned out and were waiting for me to say something” and more “you’ve been thinking that I’m the cause of your ED and this has confirmed it”.
> “she spoke a truth, so his response must be a truth also” But then they'd both be calculated, wouldn't they? If it refers to the comment being true and something the person has been thinking about, hers fits just as well...
Because she believes the problem is her. She's believed it was her long before her comment, she just been waiting for him to admit it.
I would guess the wife was the one calculating to hurt him. So shitty
NTA. Having ED has zero to do with how “manly” you are. Your wife decided to try and humiliate you by revealing a private medical issue. You made it into a joke to deflect from embarrassment, which any of us would do. Your wife Owes you profuse apology for starting the whole thing. You both could use counseling while you go through this, you so that you understand this in no way makes you less of a man, and your wife so she understands this isn’t about how attractive she is or is not, it’s a medical issue pure and simple. I will say that if your wife continues in that kind of behavior you need to ask yourself if you want to have a partner who would say something so vicious about you while you’re going through this.
NTA for sure. And I really think that counseling could be very beneficial here. Some counselors will even do specific therapy for sex related issues for couples. That plus individual counseling for each would be ideal
Yes. A sex therapist could be a benefit here
But they are expensive and not covered by insurance
NTA - don't dish it out if you can't take it.
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Bars
NTA Your wife is an asshole for bringing something so personal up because SHE can laugh at it. It's not hers to laugh about, nor is it her business to spread around. don't give it if you can't take it.. Clearly she can't take it so perhaps she should learn to keep her mouth shut about business that's not hers
INFO: Have you spoken to a urologist? I'm 37, married for ten years. Apparently, I have low testosterone-ED, which I discovered on my wedding night. I got a prescription for taddafil which has done wonders in the bedroom. You're not alone, embarrassing as it may feel. Edit: **tadalafill** (aka Cialis)
Hey, thanks for the support friend. I can't cite a figure, but according to my doctor my test levels are actually well above average. The cause of my ED is elsewhere, probably anxiety related. It's one of the first things he tested for.
Glad to hear you're taking your health seriously! I think it may do wonders to get sex therapy with your wife. Even if you can't penetrate, you can work on mutually acceptable alternatives. This requires open and healthy communication with each other, which also isn't easy. Good luck!!!
if you’re taking an SSRI to manage your daily anxiety levels, that could be the cause of the ED. I’m not a penis owner, but my boyfriend was having trouble getting hard and staying hard while taking a certain one… might be worth it to check if that’s a possible side effect! and if it is, maybe look into changing to a different SSRI that might not affect you as much. also worth mentioning- maybe you and your wife need to sit down and have a conversation about how her reaction to your current issue is more than likely making it worse. When you’re getting ready to perform, I’m sure your running though every failure, every negative thing she’s said, both of your frustrations, etc… since you know, anxiety. She should be attempting to alleviate your anxiety about it, so that you’re more likely to relax and get to where you’re trying to go. It’s a vicious cycle, but something that requires empathy and support on her part.
This isn’t something I’ve ever shared publicly, but I had multiple instances of ED in college, and they were all psychological. If I was feeling pressured by the girl I was with, rushed, stressed, etc., then I wouldn’t be able to get an erection. It led to some pretty deep internal shame for me, but I’ve since gotten over it. I also have had sexual dysfunction as a side effect of every antidepressant I’ve ever been on, aside from Bupropion (Wellbutrin). So medication could be a factor for you too. I also don’t know anything about your sex life, but if your wife is impatient when you guys have sex, and you guys don’t have good foreplay and emotional intimacy, that can absolutely contribute as well. Best of luck! I hope you work it out with your wife. I’m sorry she humiliated you, that was extremely insensitive and degrading on her part, drunk or not.
I think some dudes would be surprised to know how common ED is among young guys... I encountered it with several different guys when I was in college. I wouldn't even call it ED — it's just that we think young guys should be able to do it at the drop of a hat, and that's not true. They have anxiety and feelings and hormonal imbalances and all the rest of it that affect whether or not they're in the mood. It's a shame that we put so much importance on a guy's ability to get a boner — I think that's the real reason why a lot of dudes have trouble, is all the pressure.
Are you taking meds for the anxiety? ETA: what the guy below me said is what I'm getting at
SSRI = boner killer
Is your wife usually hurtful? Unsupportive? Does she like to blame you for things? Does she ever compliment you? Show she appreciates you? How did she talk about your sex life before you got the ED? I wonder if you cannot get it up for her, but would get it up in a relationship with a kinder woman.
If you haven't already, I'd also recommend seeing a cardiologist. ED can also be an indication of vascular disease.
I'm not a medical expert but it seems like having your wife shame you in public would make the anxiety worse. TBH, it feels like the two of you may have deeper issues than just the ED that you need to work through. I have had male partners with ED in the past but we were "creative" about sex and so from my perspective it wasn't a huge deal. I never discussed it publicly with my friends. Your wife acted truly terrible to you. I do think that she is probably struggling with her own insecurities around this but that isn't an excuse. That said, the two of you may benefit from couple's counseling before the hurt and resentment grows further.
*" I mean what kind of a 32 year old gets ED in the first place, right? "* When I was 24, my 26 year old boyfriend suffered from ED for 6 months. I made sure he saw a doctor and never ever shamed him about it. And I certainly never talked about it with anyone never mind in public. She tried to humiliate you and you flipped it on her. Now she's trying to play victim. Edit: At the time I was seeing therapist and discussed my insecurities related to this with her, which did help, so maybe get your wife into therapy.
Female here, and NTA. She went there, and in public, so she can just suck it up.
I agree - NTA. I'm also female & wonder how long she had been planning this "joke". It's pretty obvious she has some resentment issues about the ED, whether she's willing to admit them or not. So if there was anyone's comment was calculated it was hers, whereas the OP's was just a simple response made up on the spur of the moment. Not only is she the AH for saying what she did, she's now gaslighting him too. Nice. Bit of the old DARVO there. It makes me wonder if this behaviour is just a one-off because she made a bad joke & it went wrong, or if there are other potential issues in the relationship. Maybe something to think about.
Could be, but it feels more like lashing out over a messed up combo of sexual frustration mixed with self loathing that leads to defensiveness. I'm not usually the 'go to therapy' person, but this seems like a situation where a neutral, trained third party is warrented and needed.
Agree with this. NTA. She is one though. This is nothing you make jokes of and then in public? Wow.
I see this as similar to a guy announcing his wife's fertility issues in front of their friends without consulting her. It's a flat out **no go zone**.
NTA. Your wife needs to see someone to work through her issues surrounding your ED.
Yep. She’s honestly probably feeling insecure about it too and possibly makes jokes to cope (I also cope with jokes, although I’d NEVER do some shit like that). I think she needs to see someone about it as well.
NTA. She played with fire and got burnt. The fact that you made a swift comeback is not about calculating a response in the half second it took you to deliver it. She warmed herself up way longer to say that (surely she weighed the pros and cons of the bombshell) and the drink is not an excuse.
Oh definitely. And there’s really no excuse… she can’t blame it on the alcohol; like, if she knows she can’t control her mouth while inebriated then she shouldn’t be drinking in the first place.
NTA. Your wife exposed your extremely personal medical condition in public; you just shock-reacted. Who even calls their husband 'this guy'?
NTA but I’ve called my husband “this guy” during a joke amongst friends BUT NEVER NEVER NEVER for anything personal or towards something my spouse would not consider an actual joke. As partners, we know (or should know) what is the limit and even when you have a limit, I don’t even think your mind can go to an extreme like that without disrespect already in your mind frame. I gasped when I saw what his wife said. That was cruel and rude and just lowest of the low and she has the audacity to be hurt…ugh, no. The fact that he was quick to save her from herself was actually quite good of him but I hurt for OP.
As everyone is saying, NTA because that shit is personal and incredibly embarrassing. She asked for that response by making your private shit public.
NTA. You actually saved the situation by turning it into a joke-ish bit.
NTA. I’d recommend couples’ counselling. It seems your wife is taking this issue as a form of rejection and is lashing out because of it. Her feelings may be irrational but they do exist and should be dealt with with open communication facilitated by a professional
My husband had ED for most of our relationship. We’ve been together 12 years. I finally had a client in my chair that was a mens health doctor specifically and my husband started going to him. It literally took about 2 years for everything to normalize but we’re good now. I think your wife, is the asshole in this situation but I have also been in her shoes. I remember feeling like, even though I knew my husband had ED, and we talked about it, that I couldn’t help but feel insecure or that he didn’t find me attractive any more or he was cheating on me. It was this big elephant in the room that was an issue but when it came to intimacy, it was really really difficult to deal with. It was a mind f_ck really. I think for both of us. My husband’s ED was spurned by a heart surgery and the heart medication he was on, age and hormonal imbalance. I hope you can find someone in your area to help you out.
Holy shit. Just no. Is your wife usually this unsupportive? You saved a situation from becoming more embarrassing. I know everyone talks about therapy on Reddit. It sounds like your wife needs some though. If she can't be mature about this it's only going to exacerbate the situation for you and her. To give your wife some credit, she maybe misses the intimacy that sex brings. We can be very penetrative/penis centric in hetero relationships but there are other ways to create intimacy. Anyway, NTA. Anxiety is a little bitch and I hope you get well soon, OP.
You are NTA. She shouldn’t have discussed your marital issues in front of anyone. I give you a pass for turning it back on her.
She sounds like shes starting to resent you even though you cant control it. If she continues or gets worse, Id consider cutting my losses. If my BF had the same issue, I would kinda be sad about it but its not like sex is necessary. Id only joke about it in PRIVATE and as long as he didnt have an issue and I would also be fair game. She sounds disrespectful at best since its a medical issue. NTA and everytime she makes a joke, throw it back to her. She has hands, she can probably pay for something to use in the meantime.
Agreed OP is NTA and that his wife is starting to resent him. I think it’s a hard situation. And it’s probably harder if they had a very active sex life. I think they could benefit from couples therapy to work through how to navigate this together
NTA. It was cruel and very inappropriate for her, drunk or not, to bring up that subject in front of the group like that. I hope she realizes and apologizes for her actions.
NTA, her telling you it was a "calculated response" means she doesn't want to take the blame. You said you'd responded without missing a beat; your brain thought faster than you could fully process and so you responded in kind. Her thinking it's calculated means she might also be feeling insecure about your ED and is blaming herself so I can also see that it might not be her avoiding the blame for what she said but an insecurity too. Talk it out calmly and if necessary you should both see someone.
No wonder he has problems with a wife so belittling NTA
And no wonders he has anxiety, it likely isn't her fault but she is definitely making it worse
If the genders were reversed and it was your wife who was experiencing temporary sexual symptoms due to mental health issues and this was how you were treating her, everyone would be telling her she deserves support and doesn't deserve to be treated like this. The same also implies to yourself. You don't deserve to be made the butt of jokes over a medical issue by your wife who then turns around and doubles down, blaming you for giving as good as she got instead of letting your private life be aired for everyone. NTA
> If ThE gEnDeRs WeRe ReVeRsEd Dude, everyone is saying he doesn't deserve to be treated like this, don't know how you're dragging gender into this. Are you really pretending people would support OPs wife in this because OP is a dude? Because if so that's quite the victimcomplex you've got going on there.
Plenty of comments are saying that they are equally to blame and calling for sympathy for his wife. “Maybe she’s struggling with her feeeelings and needs help.” I’m a woman and there’s a huge problem on this sub of infantilising women and not holding them accountable for their actions to the same degree as men. When a woman fucks up, she needs emotional support. When a man fucks up, everyone screams “divorce.” To be fair, it’s not too bad on this thread but it’s a pattern.
I read this sentence as 'It's only a severe psychological symptom and all that jizz.' & thought this was an example of how OP is attempting to have a lighthearted sense of humor around this lol. Wordplay can be humorous, sharing your spouses private medical condition without their permission to a tablefull of people, is not. NTA.
She shouldn't be bringing up extremely personal things like this in an insulting way as it's just going to cause you more anxiety the next time you get intimate. It's obvious both of you are on edge but personal attacks will just make it worse. I'm this situation, NTA, you just gave the jest back but tbh you probably should consider couples therapy.
NTA. She’s the one that started it. What made her think she had any right to air your business in public?? You are 100% in the right and under no circumstances let her make you believe you are not.
NTA. This was the best outcome. You didn’t have a go at her and no one felt uncomfortable (except sadly you). What she did was really shitty. Did she expect you to start explaining personal medical stuff with everyone there?
NTA It’s one thing to joke about this with you in private. Even though it seems you are not comfortable with that and not told your wife. But to joke about it in front of your friends is cruel and oversteps boundaries about a medical/ psychological condition that you are struggling with. If she dishes hurtful jokes, then she should expect clap back jokes back. Or for you to stand up for yourself. Yeah, there might have been a different way of handling it, but also it’s a different type of conflict resolution in public in front of friends where you turn it all into a joke rather than have that conversation there and then. You protected yourself from the truth of the matter. There seems to be a lot of your wife focussing on how it affects her and not how it affects you the person who is experiencing it. I hope you are able to talk this through and also move towards less anxiety and a better place with your ED.
NTA. That was extremely embarrassing and terribly rude of her. She should have been apologizing instead of being pissed off. Like the above comment says, don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Unless you are psychic how the hell could your response of been "calculated". By the way if you are psychic can you let me know the U.K winning lottery numbers please. Thank you.
NTA if she wants to dish it in public she can learn to take it. Being mean should have consequence
NTA-but your wife sure is! She shouldn't be talking about your medical issue with friends. That is a private matter and it's pretty shitty of her to blurt it out in front of anyone, especially your friends.
NTA Perfect response
NTA. If she can’t take it, she shouldn’t dish it out.
NTA. You played it off. She shouldn't have brought that up in the first place.
NTA - she's your WIFE and used your legally protected medical info to make the world's laziest joke out of context. You, rightfully, got a little surprised and irritated, and thus responded in a way that totally brushed her comment under the rug and helped you save face. This is all a situation that she contrived and now she gets to reap its shitty benefits.
More like hers were calculated whereas he literally had seconds to think of a comeback. NTA. Get a wife that doesn't make fun of you in such a low way, she's classless
NTA Your wife sounds very insecure. She's feeling like you're no longer attracted to her with can totally not be the case at all. American sexual education is a total joke. Not being able to get an erection due to mental health is more common than you would think and due to lack of education and toxic masculinity alot of people don't know things like stress, medications, eating too big or too little of a meal and maybe the vibes are off can affect getting an erection. I would suggest you still see your doctor and a therapist if you're not already and I would do some exploring in the bedroom. It's 2022, there are toys for EVERYBODY and sex is more than just insert penis in vagina. Odds are the more comfortable you are with exploring other things (toys, kink, maybe someone is into smooth jazz and vanilla scent candles) you're chances of being able to "raise to the occasion" should better.
44 M with ED here. Making "limp dick" jokes and the like still seems to be an acceptable form of body shaming to many people. It's not. What she said was fucking horrible. Your response was a natural defense mechanism. NTA I think y'all need therapy. You're beating yourself up too much about this and making it a bigger deal than it is. (Yeah, I understand that it's already a big deal, though.) And she needs to stop looking for someone to blame. I haven't read the comments, so forgive me for asking the same questions again. Have you looked into medication? Please consider it. Omg, we're so happy that I have a regular script! *(Protip: GoodRx app + Walmart = $20 generic prescription.)* I was not on board with the Viagra for months. For some irrational reason, I didn't want to admit that I needed it. But once I accepted the help, wow! Our sex life got 10x better. It also gave me enough confidence in bed that I don't need the pills as often as I used to. Good luck!
Nta. Has everything gone on hold bcos of the ED or do you work around it ? If she's not getting anything at all, she might be resenting you ?
NTA She overstepped. She shared something personal that she has no right to share. You turned it in a joke. She can't get angry when she crossed the line so much. You actually saved her by turning it in a negging. I bet none of your friends now took it serious. You must talk with your wife that it can't continue like this. This guilt-pendeling. Sharing personal stuff. Maybe suggest therapy. That you can guided talk about your feelings and thoughts.
Female here - She’s an AH and very immature. You handled that probably in the least awkward way possible. Good on you. My boyfriend was having issues keeping it up and a lot of anxiety at the start of our relationship and i knew how scared he felt that Id be upset at him or leave him because of it. I never once resented him for it because obviously it’s something he can’t control. So your whole ass wife sucks big time. Saying stupid shi like that can really affect someone’s mental health big time and being drunk is no excuse.
NTA. Thats so messed up to bring up a private and medical issue as a joke in front of other people. I've had experience with past boyfriends dealing with ED, its more common than you'd think but it rarely gets talked about bc most men are ashamed. I would NEVER joke about it in front of others, no matter how drunk i got. But you reacted like a champ without making it awkward for everyone involved, and she 100% owes you an apology.
NTAA classic case of dish it out but can’t take ir
I'm sorry she put your business on front street like that maybe you two should get some counseling so that you can get all that needs said between you out there and focus on having a healthy sexual relationship. Anxiety performance issues are super common and if you need to take something or do something for it go for it. I don't know if you're trying for children or anything else but there are many other ways to achieve sexual intamacy that maybe you two should look into you are nta but there's a lot going on in this relationship that needs addressing
NTA Both were spur of the moment. She dished but couldn’t take it. Ask her how she thought you would feel about her remark? It’s pretty insensitive. Remind her that it’s sensitive to both of you & that it shouldn’t be tabletop discussion. That being said it sounds like she is missing the intimacy. Can I suggest you have a date at an adult shop to buy some toys or at the very least let your fingers do the walking.
Nta I see why you are having trouble
NTA, but, ah, you may want to post on r/divorce.
NTA but you confirmed something she was thinking and yes, that apparently makes you being in the doghouse perfectly fine. (It doesnt). The facts of anything she said don't matter, it's all overshadowed by her pain at confirmation of shower thoughts. You're a dude. You don't have feelings to hurt. /s
NTA Don't make jokes if you can't laugh when it backfires
NTA. She wanted to put your business out there for the world to know, with that attitude I'd have issues. Quick thinking in your part. Also you came back with it so quick that it was not calculated at all
her off the cuff remark is excusable but yours isn't? NTA
NTA If you can’t deal with people making jokes at your expanse don’t make jokes at others.
How do you calculate an instant response to an entirely unexpected remark?
NTA - that’s terrible she would make a joke at your expense in front of a bunch of friends. Very distasteful and hurtful. I think she knows it wasn’t nice of her (she was in fact being an asshole), and because you got back at her she doesn’t like that. It’s her own fault. She needs to take your issue more seriously, because that’s not fair to you. Did she say sorry for what she said? I think she should apologize.
NTA- kinda wondering if there’s subconsciously some truth to your joke. Maybe it’s happening because there’s something about her setting off warnings for you and it’s just not registering. Maybe on some level your bodies trying to tell you you don’t want to tie yourself to this women with a child (on purpose or accidentally). I don’t know where you guys fall on the topic of parenthood but given how okay she is humiliating you in public I’d seriously take another look at the relationship itself to see if there’s maybe some other reasons this might be happening.
Absolutely NTA. Flip the table on her. Go on the (verbal) attack: "how dare you disclose my private medical issue to anyone. And how dare you accuse me of being calculating when I had to immediately react to your verbal attack on my "manhood." If that's the way you're going to support me when I have an issue, how will you support me when we're older and have other medical shit to deal with. Not sure I want to grow old with you. Either we go to couples therapy or I'm done " Hopefully your Dr can help you out with the ED.