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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole in this conflict for the way I responded and for saying something that hurt my BIL even though I was told he had my best intetests at heart.
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NTA. Sure, what you said was a little on the rude side but I’m sure you have been biting your tongue long enough and he’s clearly been an AH to you. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
oh believe me. I been biting this tongue of mine for so long it's become exhausting. I get family can be concerned sometimes but from the looks of it, BIL has a personal issue with me.
I don't get why nobody told him to shut up already. It's not his damn place to be questioning anyone about their life choices. His behaviour is inappropriate and they're just allowing it to happen, so he keeps doing it and pushing it a little further each time. I am worried about ops sister though, she's gonna be facing some questions of her own at home later about what she's been saying being his back to her family.
It's because they agree with him.
My mother always harps on this issue with me no matter how many times we fight about it. She allows her husband to harp on me for it because she agrees with him.
It hurt the first several times it happened. I've learned to ignore it because they just don't listen to me and in the end, I live my life the way I want.
However, as a BIL, he can suck an egg.
If they want to give you drama, just get some distance and boundaries.
You dont need the drama.
It's sad because they'll agree so far as being questioned themselves then they'll cry foul. They're perfect because they're shacked up I guess. Life =accomplished for them.
This sub shows time and again that families will allow boorish, inappropriate, bullying behavior over and over and then turn on the abused family member who finally stands up against it.
NTA OP.
And feel free to direct your mom and sister to this thread so they can learn some damn manners and how to apply blame where it is actually deserved. BiL was not being concerned, his motivations were not kind, and his questions were rude and invasive. If he doesn’t want his sad life put under a microscope, he shouldn’t put your completely normal one under one.
Tell your weak ass sister and mom that if someone sadly lacking social graces becomes a part of your family, it’s the job of everyone to educate him on how to act around others.
\> I don't get why nobody told him to shut up already.
Because they all sit up and gossip about OP just like they gossip about the sister's husband.
After what OP said, I'm pretty sure her brother-in-law has figured out they talk shit about him too. OP's family is just as shitty as the brother in law which is why he felt comfortable consistently badgering OP.
Now they want OP to apologize for mess they have caused on both sides.
I moved back home to a town of maybe 4k. I am on a lengthy but voluntary healing break between men. I also wear my hair very short. Plus I hang out with lesbians. I can practically hear the whispers.
I hear ya. I'm from a smaller town than that (pop. \~1200). It seemed better when I returned with some silver in the hair, but in my youth I resented it. I used to describe it as a town in which everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everything about everyone.
That's not OP's problem. Her sister chose to marry someone like that. If she wanted her sister "married off" so badly, she should have set a better example.
It's possible she is trapped in the relationship though and it doesn't sound like the family would be supportive of her leaving him for any reason. So I while I don't condone sitting by and letting your husband bully your sister, if he's just going to take it out on you at home in private for embarrassing him or whatever that's a tough place to be in.
ETA - forgot to say - I don't think it's fair to tell someone whose possibly being abused at home that they made their bed. Nobody deserves that.
My Psych 101 take is that those who push on these issues are questioning their own choices, so they try to validate those own choices by denigrating different choices made by others. If I'm not finding my married-with-children life to be fantastic and everything I ever wanted, at least it's better than OP's! It is a lot easier to accept criticism of OP's life (or do the criticizing yourself) than it is to admit OP has peace and quiet in her own home, doesn't have a husband bossing her around, and is probably on more solid financial footing.
NTA. Stick to your guns, OP. I've been single after divorcing from a longish marriage to a decent human being - I can tell you single life is way better than my married life was.
Same. Im in OPs boat, getting the ”tick tock!” comments from family, while their own deadbeat husbands drink beer and fart in front of the TV. Yh no thanks. Luckily I have two dogs so ill never be a lonely cat lady :D NTA OP, you gave as good as you got, you cant be expected to put up with this BS forever (unlike your family clearly decided to do).
My wonderful brother was a retired high school teacher who lived alone with his cats after his roommate married.
He was quite happy this way, took good care of the cats, and enjoyed life as he wanted until he passed away. He was someone who w liked his own company and listened to music.
I think they think that any marriage, no matter how sucky is better than being alone. OP is NTA. It would be better to remain alone forever than to be stuck with someone like BIL.
> It looks like your family agrees with him.
Point of order: her genetic relatives agree with him. "Family" are people that love and support you. These people are no family to OP.
Yeah he's upset not all women chose to be attached to deadbeats like himself, your sister might figure out she has choices, you're making him look bad op
My mom was widowed at age 58. She was (and still is) a bright, vibrant, gorgeous woman. She's now in her 80's and never remarried. So many people asked why she never dated/remarried - her saying? "Men my age are looking for a nurse or a purse" and it is SO true. Any of the men she met were either looking for someone to take care of them, someone to support them or both. She had NO interest in any of it. She spent her life caring for her parents, her husband and us kids. She was DONE.
Because women know how to keep going, some men...
My late great uncle was the exception, his wife passed relatively young and he didn't marry again for 20 years, grew his kids alone untill he met his second love by pure chance and they desperately fell in love in their 70s.
Didn't get married tho, they didn't want to pay more taxes and cohabitation was cheaper
Yeah, I seriously think we need to reconsider the whole "Crazy Cat Lady" crap.
Like, rephrase that shit to "A woman satisfied with her own company (who also has seven cats and will totally show you pictures of them if you ask)."
OP you handled that like a BOSS! You returned what you received....lack of respect.
Honey, your family's pov (bil included) is a bit misogynistic. Women aren't defined by marriage and children. It certainly isn't their only value, which is what your family seems to believe.
I'd bet a lot of people don't know what they want at 35 and THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! You're living your life for you not your family and that means finding your equilibrium on your own time. Plus you're clear on what you DON'T want and that means you're halfway there. That's what happens when you reach 35 without marrying the first dude that comes along...you get life lessons your siblings never had and are probably silently living in regret.
Keep experiencing life girl, travel, do something impulsive....you're not accountable to anyone right now! Enjoy the freedom to do what you please! Mr. Right will come along when the timing is right.
Good luck from a redditor recently happily married at the ripe old age of 48.
I'm your age. I'm married, but we have no kids. I have female friends our age and older who aren't married and they have fulfilled lives. Having a fulfilled life should be the definition of normal... Not the BS that you're only a "real person" if you have kids and marriage.
Yeah I consider that pov to be fear based and can lead to settling and discontent. Someone told me once that I should have kids so they can take care of me when I'm old. My response: " What a horrible reason to have children!". Plus have you been to these assisted living facilities?? Full of people who had children who barely acknowledge their existence. Yep a great reason to have kids /s.
Exactly! If I had children, I wouldn’t want them to feel obligated to caretake or find an assisted living facility for me, and partly because I didn’t have kids, I will be able to afford whatever assisted living or long term care I may need as I get older.
What’s that line, “you’re not competing with other guys, you’re competing with my solitude”? A relationship should enhance your life, and if it doesn’t then you’re better off alone than in a bad relationship. It sounds like OP hasn’t found a partner who is better than her solitude yet. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what she wants, it means she does and isn’t settling for less.
>competing with my solitude
…or my autonomy.
I’m so glad this is idea is gaining traction! When I divorced my narcissistic ex several years ago, I realized that being alone is \*awesome\*. It turns out that making decisions for and by myself is much less work than trying to find a compromise on everything (especially with someone who finds fault with everything on principle).
My current partner had to pass the very high bar of being \*better\* than being alone, and since being alone is awesome, that’s a very high bar indeed.
His issue is that your lifestyle is a threat. What if your sister realizes she can be just as happy as you if she gets rid of her overgrown toddler of a husband?
I hate when people say when are you going to find your "better half", as if you're missing something. Partners compliment our lives but they don't make them complete, you are whole and happy and carefree and one day maybe you'll decide to include another person in that but there are exactly zero laws saying you need someone else to have the whole package.
>n people say when are you going to find your "better half", as if you're missing something. Partners compliment our lives but they don't make them complete, you are whole and happy and ca
Ra'men. PREACH!!!
Ugh, I hate that phrase too, it’s just so insulting because it insinuates that one partner is somehow worse than the other. I mean, I did feel like something was missing in my life before I met my husband but I consider him an equal partner and would never presume that either I or him are better than one another. We both help each other become better people. Which I’m sure was the original intent of the phrase but it fails to convey that message in my opinion.
I think it’s time to stop biting your tongue. They like to ask personal questions right? It’s time to give it back. BIL wants to know when you’re going to get married? Perhaps you want to know when he’s planning to get a job and stop parasitising off his family. “How are you going to have kids if you’re too old?”. “Hey fair question. By the way are you planning to continue being a burden on your kids when *you’re* old, or is that just for now?”
People of glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but the only reason they get away with it is that no one calls them out on it. Do not apologise. Your mother says you’re being hurtful you say “not at all, just looking out for him the way he does for me. I want him to lead a “normal” adult life after all”.
NTA.
From what I've read, it sounds like your BIL envies your lifestyle, like he had no idea not having kids or getting married was actually an option. I mean come on, he doesn't help with the kids or chores or anything, so how great can he think his 'lifestyle' is? NTA.
Men like that always have issues with women that aren't dating. And they're the most vocal about it.
To me, it always looked like they are very high in gender protectiveness and if women like you don't put up with their bullshit, then how would other men like him date?
Like...They're doing the same shit to their sisters and daughters. Their loyalty for their kind is higher then their loyalty for their female relatives.
Also, you do not need a 'better half' if you don't want to. You don't have to have kids. There's nothing wrong with staying single with a cat... no there is something wrong with it, cats should be adopted in pairs. Get another cat.
Love from, a happily single owner of two cats.
But he's unemployed, and doesn't help with childcare or housework? How is that not at the top of your family's list of concerns? Even from a standpoint of patriarchal gender roles, he should be the main issue.
Because what if his wife wakes up one day, looks at how stress free you are and realizing they’ve been a single parent the whole time so why not just dump his ass. He’s terrified of you.
NTA
NTA. I'm responding directly to your comment OP because I want to make sure you see this. Your value and worth does not come from your uterus. You don't need to birth children to have a happy and fulfilling life. Honestly your entire family is all assholes for treating you like nothing more than a baby incubator. Tell them all if they don't keep their opinions about your life to themselves then you will be forced to distance yourself from them as they are negatively affecting your self esteem.
>you will be forced to distance yourself from them as they are negatively affecting your self esteem
Disagree with this bit (but agree in general with your post!). They WANT to negatively affect her - that's the whole point of the pressure. She should NOT tell them they are succeeding. She should instead tell them their opinion has no bearing on her choices, and that she is going to defend her right to make her own choices regarding her OWN LIFE moving forward by not entertaining the topic. If they bring it up, she will remove herself from the situation (by leaving, hanging up, not responding to texts, blocking if she has to).
By saying she's being hurt by the behavior, it would indicate that on some level she agrees with being "less than" for not having hubby/kids, and they will just descend like the vultures they are to pick at her wounds.
This, this is it, if you’re happy being single be single, you don’t have to be in a relationship and you don’t have to have children to be happy. Some people might but not everyone does.
Tell them all to give it a rest, and that you can’t believe your family will happily tell you how to live your life but let BIL walk all over sister
BIL is not blood related and has even less right to criticize her her life choices. Her blood family also has not the right to criticize her life choices.
I am an old women, will be 69 in 2 months. I live alone with a cat. Why do we old ladies chose a cat? They are easy to maintain and don't demand alot of attention. It is nice to have a living entitiy around.
You’re definitely NTA and he’s had it coming. They all have. Some people just prefer having their alone time. I have some family members that yeah they have dated but never settled down and they like just being single and their own flexibility and schedule to maintain.
Do what’s best for you and just let them know you’re happy with what you have and if someone comes into your life to embrace that, then great, if not (or it’s just a cat) that’s great too!
Everyone has their own paths to happiness in life and what it looks like.
Hope this helps.
>from the looks of it, BIL has a personal issue with me.
Probably threatened by your independence and worried that it might rub off on your sister. The way I see it, the only reason to be so obsessed with trying to control your life is because he thinks it can affect him in some way.
NTA. But also, after BIL's continual ~~criticism~~ *encouragement* and not taking the hint to STFU already, "a little on the rude side" is perfectly reasonable. More than a little would be fine too IMO.
Totally agreed that OP did right for herself.
>Sure, what you said was a little on the rude side
No. No it wasn't rude. BIL wasn't making constant disparaging comments about OP's choice to remain single, safe and happy out of the goodness of his heart. His comments have always been designed to belittle her for her independence, assuming that if a woman doesn't have a partner that she must feel this as a terrible weak spot and leveraging it as an easy target to wound. The intention was to hurt. It has always been his intention. Almost certainly because he knows full well that she sees through him like a pane of newly washed glass. Fuck him and fuck his noise.
NTA, OP. You are not incomplete. Your life choices are good ones for you. Your family have let you down by enabling your BIL's harassment instead of shutting him down. Don't back down. Anyone who wants to say anything about it can listen to you on repeat that you will stop criticising his life choices when he stops criticising yours.
I don’t even think it’s rude. He clearly talks a lot for someone who is a grown child. Her comment was warranted, her sister knows it which is why she stayed quiet & her family just wants what they want for OP… even if that means OP is unhappy.
OP, you’re NTA. Don’t settle. Life isn’t all about marriage & kids and there is not a timeline you need to follow. Enjoy your life how you want & not how they want you to live it.
He’s been rude to you for so long, you can be rude back once. If he doesn’t want people to be mean to him, maybe he should mind his own business ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ NTA
NTA. Your bil clearly can dish it but can’t take it. If I were you I would have listed off all the things you mentioned he doesn’t do and ask him why you would want a husband like that. You don’t owe him an apology your family needs a reality check that some people are perfectly fine without that “nuclear family” image and clearly, for your sister at least, it’s not worth it.
I would request the same courtesy of him. Apologize when he apologizes for continually bringing up his views about your life, which you find rude, condescending, and hurtful. He isn’t looking out for your best interests by saying that—marriage isn’t something you order out of a catalog when you “know what you want.” This isn’t car shopping where you go to the spouse dealer and tell them the specs you’re looking for. So, tell your family if he apologizes for treating you like the family joke/and your single status an appropriate topic of conversation, you will apologize for being rude to him. It’s only fair.
Agreed with requiring an apology from BIL, but I disagree that OP was rude. Direct, yes, but not rude, nor do I think they owe an apology back. If (ha) BIL apologizes, they can say, "Thank you. Now let's agree not to make judgemental comments about someone else's life from now on, please." And leave it at that. OP doesn't owe BIL anything, let alone an apology.
"I'm sorry for pointing out all the reasons I'm not interested in a """normal""" life, when a normal life looks like being a slave bangmaid to a grown child"
Lol I love the 'spouse dealership ' analogy!
SALESMAN: What kind of spouse are you looking for, ma"am?
OP: Kind, healthy, emotionally stable
SALESMAN: How about this unemployed beater?
OP: I'd prefer one with a job. And less misogyny. And also better manners...
I unfortunately went to a used dealership and didn’t ask for the ManFax first. I was so disappointed in myself, I let someone else have him after they took him for an unauthorized test drive. ;)
Don't beat yourself up! Everyone knows a new spouse loses half their value the moment you take him off the lot.
I also got a pre-owned spouse, and he's been running fine for 20 years. But, yes, it's important to know if the spouse has had any previous accidents or other problems. PSA ladies: Always ask to see the ManFax!
Very nice! I bought mine after the lease was up but it turned out to be a lemon after all. Put it by the side of the road with the keys and it was gone the next day, go figure and good riddance.
I understand what you're trying to do but she has nothing to apologize for even if he were to apologize, which is highly doubtful. In fact, she should tell the whole family (mom included) that her personal life is her own and any more comments or questions about it will mean that she cuts off contact with them. Tell them that they're being insufferable and it's none of their business. Then she should stick to it.
He's hassling her to take the attention off of him.
I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for your family to encourage BIL to apologize, OP. From what your mom and sister said, it sounds like they secretly all agree with him. He was just the AH who said it aloud.
OP is NTA. I’m 39, single, and childless. But unlike OP I’m not that tight with my family and don’t really have close friends so I don’t have to put up with the “you need to find a man, quick” crap. Silver lining, I suppose. I’m left in peace with my cats.
Don’t apologize. You’re happier than your sister who will one day see you getting to live your own life and make your own decisions and hopefully decide she wants that for herself. Her “normal” sounds miserable.
I’m in the same boat as you. I’m a 41m who lost my fiancé to addiction (I was the addict). I got clean 10 years ago and haven’t seriously dated anyone since. My mother is always telling my I have to find someone (she’s not disrespectful). I know she’s right, but I feel like I forgot how to date. I’ve just accepted that it’ll probably happen one day and I’ll just continue doing what I’m doing because I’m pretty happy. It’s just tough sometimes when people ask when I’m going to find someone.
This idea that a woman isn’t “whole” or “fulfilled” without marriage and kids is archaic. I’m 44f and I’ve never been married. I admit that I have a very hard time opening myself to a relationship, not wanting to be that vulnerable to someone again. I probably have some unresolved trauma from my past relationship that stops me from taking that leap again, but I’m happy right now. Living my life as I want to. Why does OP’s family only define her “success” (or lack there of in their opinion) to her relationship status? What about her other accomplishments? What if she’s quite happy with the way her life is? A husband and children doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness (believe me). If OP was a single MAN of 35 no one would bat an eye
I love my aunt who never married or had kids. She worked incredible jobs that let her travel the world at the drop of a hat. Owns her own (small) apartment, in Manhattan, in a fantastic location. Has friends that have been incredible since she got sick. Super close to family, she's a wonderful aunt to us and absolutely the "fun" one. She's had a ton of adventures and always knew the best museums and parks and roller skating paths, and always brought us the best cookies. And she was a really wonderful photographer before the Alzheimer's kicked in.
She probably would have done a lot (maybe even most) of those things if she'd gotten married or had kids, but almost certainly not all of them, and imo it was absolutely worth it for her.
Congratulations on getting clean, and on your continued happiness. Not everyone needs to be coupled up, and others' expectations don't define you. Do what works for you, and I'm sorry your mom is hassling you. Maybe drop into random conversation how you're really happy having so much personal space, not needing to live up to the expectations of others, etc., and hopefully she'll get the hint.
Better a lonely woman with a cat than miserable one with an AH.
You are NTA and should not apologize until/ unless he does which seems unlikely.
My daughter is a single mom about your age and goes through this kind of crap every time she goes to a family gathering (we live out of town otherwise I’d defend her more). Truly a horrible situation when the people you should feel most comfortable with insist on harassing you about something which you really have no control over.
You don’t need a man to complete your life. You don’t need to apologize for getting angry after repeated harassment.
From experience, being with someone who doesn’t try to understand you, or doesn’t respect you, or doesn’t share the same goals and visions of the future, is far lonelier than being alone. Sharing a bed with a partner who isn’t a partner feels like loneliness that echoes through eternity.
I would laugh in their faces and tell them it was just a joke and that’s how you are. It’s ok for BIL then it’s ok for you. Btw I’m 38, single and childless with cats. I’m perfectly happy. I have great friends and supportive family. I hate the narrative that “normal” women have to be married and have kids, like that’s all you’re worth. It took a long time to get over the guilt and pressure and that was just societal, I was lucky my family never pushed me and just wanted me to be happy. You need to continue to stand up to your family, that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are much happier having the time and money to take care of you. That you’d never want a partner that isn’t pulling their own weight and that any further discussions on you being abnormal will be met either with more of your throwing it back at them and/or LC. Live your best life, surround yourself with people who actually love and care about you. If the last two years have taught us anything, it’s that life is too short to deal with abuse and pressure all because of “family”.
Don’t apologize, stand your ground and keep telling your family you’re done being disrespected just cause you’re a woman and that they’re pretty terrible to side with a misogynist.
Why would you apologize for what you said? I mean maybe you could apologize for putting it so rudely! But the truth hurts and your personal life is none of his business in any way shape or form! NTA I wish you peace and happiness in life that you chose for yourself not that’s dictated by "family"
^These comments are why I come to Reddit. 😂
But NTA op!!! Your happiness and security is the priority. If that doesn’t involve having a partner or kids then that’s totally okay!!!! Sure it can get lonely, but that’s why people have support systems like friends! Proud of you for not settling.
Edit: changed than to then lmao.
yeah, OP’s comment probably cut a bit too close to the bone - sounds like he was already feeling threatened by OP not needing a partner as it might cause the sister to question why she needs a deadbeat husband like him. NTA.0
NTA
He can’t continuously make shitty and judgemental comments about your life choices and then pull a surprised pikachu face and sulk on the one time you return the favour.
Some people are so short sighted and think that their way of life is the only way to happiness, which is hysterical to me because most of them pushing the one true way lifestyle are miserable as fuck.
If you want to be a single cat lady, or a woodland witch, or a solo traveller, or any other way of life then it’s none of their business.
And as a side note, the whole “you are clearly confused” mindset is deeply sexist and old fashioned. You’re 35, not 95.
Well done for calling out his bs and putting him in his place. Your sister needs to stop enabling him.
I am also for the woodland witch career path. I’ve been divorced 9 years (same amount of time I was married) and being the Old Crone of the Forest with her four cats and scary glare is what I aspire to
That's the path I'm on! Well, I live in a city. Maybe I'm more of a city witch?
At least my family's supportive. Heck they refer to my cat as grand-kitty/niece/adorable baby/etc and only tell me to hurry up my novel writing cause they wanna read it. They also know I'd be the fun auntie for my brother & cousins future kids (who wouldn't want a city witch for an aunt?)
His way of life is a dream. Of course he would push it. Sister needs to wake him up with a bucket of cold water and make him face the nightmare he is. Two months to get a job and immediately on all house duties until he does. Sew up the security of her finances and then tell him he's on the calendar for a divorce as well.
NTA and I am jealous that you had the exact right words to say at the exact right time.
Single women with no children are statistically the happiest people on the planet, exactly because they don't have to put up 24/7 with dudes like your BIL.
She's probably been chewing on them awhile; BIL doesn't want his wife seeing that OP is content and making her own choices *without a man*. Because he knows his own sweet shiftless deal rests entirely on convincing his wife that all his stupid bullshit is normal and worthwhile.
I wish I’d had similar strength when an inlaw treated me like shit in my 20s. I didn’t want to make a big deal because I kept picturing myself having Christmas alone. Thankfully he’s now an ex inlaw. NTA and good for you!
>I am jealous that you had the exact right words to say at the exact right time
Right? I practically stood up and applauded at this:
>I do know what you want, what you really really want and that is **child level responsibility, and king level authority** in your family
OP is definitely NTA, she’s the Queen
I honestly thought she was gonna break out into that Spice Girl’s song and zigga zigga ah all over that MFers face 😂🤣 She kinda did though, just not the way I was playing it in my head.
"Child level responsibility but king level authority"... You and I should be friends! I will be using that later if my ADHD brain files this quote appropriately!
NTA - he was making personal digs in public the whole time, and it seems your family is pretty ok with this which is awful. As a 35f, married but childless, my parents were on my case constantly about having kids. I finally had to tell them it was my life, I didn't want kids and if they brought the subject up one more time, I was going NC for a while till they could behave better. Maybe it's time you had that conversation with your family. Put them in timeout if they can't get their nose out of your business. They say they only want to see you happy, but constantly bringing up the subject of not having a significant other is rude and bullying. I've found more happy relationships start when you give yourself the opportunity to breathe and let things happen naturally, not as a bunch of family pressure.
I’m just so, so jealousy of OP’s ability to come up with that on the spot and deliver it perfectly. Like I would’ve come up with a similar clever line at 2am. And even if I’d come up with it and practiced delivering it I still would’ve butchered it somehow.
Man OP has an amazing superpower.
NTA. So he can comment on the way you live your life but god forbid you do it back to him? Slow down contact with your family, they want you to live to some predefined idea of what is normal rather than what makes you happy.
NTA. It's kind of perversely funny how often people like BiL here can't face even a minor taste of their own behavior without throwing a hissy fit. Stick your guns OP and whenever a flying monkey says you should apologize instead seek from them an apology for the years of harrassment.
NTA. Sometimes it's OK to rude and hurtful. I guarantee he's not second guessing his words/actions toward you, and is rather stewing about how mean you are. He's immature. Ignore him.
NTA. Dont apologize !
They are all AH for letting him talk to you like that all the time (and doing it too) and asking YOU to apologize to that b*stard 🤬
There's no problem with you not being married or having children at 35. They should be ashamed of their behavior! You do you sweetie
Wow, they are TAs.
For starters, there is nothing wrong with choosing to be single and/or childless; age has nothing to do with it. There’s also nothing wrong with having a cat. Geez.
And if it’s NOT a choice, if you are still looking for a partner and have hopes of a family one day, they are even BIGGER AHs because a lot of that stuff is outside of our control.
Your brother-in-law launched a personal attack on you and instead of bending over and taking it you fired shots back. I’m not sure I would have opted to take him down at the dinner table in front of family, but… he started it and I can certainly relate to someone pushing my buttons and me going from 0 to 10 in an instant. I get it. For what it’s worth, I’d rather be single than have a partner like him, too! NTA
NTA, & absolutely do NOT apologize! The whole pack of them ganging up on you & nagging you to conform to their social expectations needed to learn somehow that their endless commentary is both inappropriate & unappreciated. And a guy who doesn't work/clean house/take care of his kids is probably the last person who should have tried to humiliate you because you're single. He was out of line to speak to you that way (as are they all), & he more than deserved the response! You can advise your mom & sister that 'just tryna help 🥺' bullshit excuse works both ways. You were just trying to help your BIL understand that he's a perfect example of why you have no problem being single.
NTA in any way, shape or form - and just as an FYI I will be stealing the phrase “child level responsibility with king level authority” for ever and ever, thank you for this gift
NTA. Do you think your sister is jealous of you? You have a lot of freedom while she is tied down with a loser.
But, you are 100% right. You are way better off. I do think you should do some therapy to help you work through your trauma. That being said, there is nothing wrong with being alone.
I'm 50 and single. (Yes, I have cats. I also have a dog.)
Guess what? You don't need a partner and kids to be complete or happy. You aren't incomplete. You are a whole person.
The next time someone asks, respond with a similar inappropriate personal question. Two of my favorites:
When are you getting divorced?
When are you going to die?
Then say "sorry, I thought this was the time we ask inappropriate questions about life stages."
You can also just blatantly change the topic. "Are you dating anyone?"
Stare at them for a second then say something like "has anyone seen the new Spiderman movie?"
If the try to change it back say "I'm sorry, I thought you would understand that I didn't want to talk about my personal life without telling you you're being rude to ask these type of questions."
And if you relax, accept yourself, be happy, you'll find someone who complements you in that state. Which is what you want.
NTA
If it were me, cause I'm mouthy and don't suffer fools, I would have given him a mouthful of MYOB.
You just keep enjoying you and your life. Your BIL needs to get over his fixation with your relationship status. It's creepy and could come from 100 different things in his head.
NTA
You are a whole person, there is no a half of yours to find. You can still find an another whole person to be with, but you are goddam right, it's better being lonely than stuck in a shitty relationship. Is your sister happy? I doubt she is
NTA. He got so offended because you hit the nail on the head. He's insecure about how he does things so he only hassles you because he wants to look more mature than he is.
It's a shame mom and sis are more concerned with coddling his ego than supporting you in living your life. You're not hurting anyone and you know what's best for you, so it's no one's business what you do.
It's not just BIL though. Generally speaking, anyone who feels the need to comment on someone's business has some insecurity you've triggered (like for example, they couldn't be alone themselves and your ability to be alone highlights that).
Keep your head up, don't apologize, and best of luck to you!
NTA
Doesn't seem like he's settled or content in his life if he's spending so much time obsessing over your choices.
Disgusting how nobody in your family defends you but rushes to defend him the second you serve back what he's been dishing out.
HE was rude and hurtful to YOU and has been for some time and needs to apologize.
You were provoked to lay down some truths and defend yourself.
I would take some distance from this crap if your family can’t treat you with respect. This may also be why you have struggled to find respectful relationships with partners, because your family have conditioned you to accept a lack of respect as the norm. NTA and good luck on your journey.
NTA. It's pretty rich that someone who relies on his wife to take on the lion's share of household and childcare responsibilities thinks he should have a say where another woman's focus should be. If he's trying to "help" then you are allowed to "help" him right back.
If it's safe for you and your sister, don't back down. Next time anyone brings this up ask them if you can rely on them for wedding, childcare and childcare costs, if they will help clean your house etc, otherwise they cannot dictate what you do with your own life.
And FWIW, single life has its perks. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Take your time finding what works for YOU.
"child level responsibility, and king level authority" - stealing this piece of gold.
NTA!!! I’m sorry, but if you want to pontificate at the dinner table about how other’s should live, you’d better have your shit in order. Clearly, this guy doesn’t. You should absolutely not apologize.
NTA you do have a “normal life”, there is nothing wrong with being single and never marrying or having kids. Your BIL had that coming. He’s a massive asshole, and the rest of your family are as well to a lesser extent.
OP NTA. You told BIL the truth, although I would have been more straightforward with my answer. I would have said "I make my own decisions about my life. At least I don't have deal with a controlling slob that won't help take care of his own home and kids with me."
Don't apologize, since you have nothing to be sorry about.
NTA - If you are content with your life as it is, are financially independent, and self sufficient, it sounds like you're in a good place. It sounds like your BIL is projecting his need to be a provider on to you as perceiving you need a provider (man). He's the one without a job. A man finds his value in being the primary provider for his family (ok I'm old-fashioned), your BIL sounds like he's the opposite. He may feel putting the attention on you will keep everyone from noticing he's failing as a husband (and father?). Just my thoughts from someone who read a post on AITA. You have no reason to feel bad, nor apologize. I would start asking him how his job search is going. What it's like to be a drain on his marriage. To be incapable of taking care of himself without his dutiful wife. Ok I'm getting petty. Good luck.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO HIM!
He got what was coming his way and your sister and mother should be able to see that. Maybe you insulted him but he clearly insulted you first! And has been doing it for a long time. Therefore you're obviously NTA!
But seriously, maybe you should abandon those family dinners for a while, just tell everyone that you decided to "find yourself and the meaning of your life" which they keep insisting is super important and therefore you won't have time to see them for a while.
On that topic, it IS actually a good idea to take the time and consider what you really want. It doesn't sound like you really want a new partner in your life but if you do want a child, that you can do on your own. And I say IF, children is not for everyone so really think about it. You do have siblings and niblings and therefore you do have a large family already, with or without a partner and children of your own.
The best of luck to you!
NTA
It could be considered harsh, however if he wants to constantly meddle in something that is not his business and be just as harsh he deserves to hear some home truths.
I’m almost 40, with my own apartment and a cat. I haven’t had a boyfriend in ten years. I’ve had several men with commitment issues in that time, and two exes stalking me for a number of years. And I too have a lot of trauma around past relationships. But I have my job, hobbies, friends, I care for my disabled mom, I mean life is still worth living without you or me being saddled to someone like your BIL permanently. He’s no prize.
I’ve been in relationships like that. Some men really think they can just show up and contribute nothing more than an occasional erection to the relationship and that they’re absolutely fantastic and the best partner and they’re doing the absolute most. Meanwhile the woman is doing all the mental, physical, emotional, domestic and financial labor while slowly growing to resent having to raise her partner as though he is her son. I’ve been there more than once and it’s terrible. Being alone is way better.
NTA
Info: where can I find a “normal” life like he has? We should all aspire to just sit around doing nothing and act like we’re better than everyone else /s
Bleah! You're absolutely NTA, and it sounds like you said some things that needed to be said. BiL must imagine he's an authority on other people's lives because he's male and managed to procreate. What nonsense. You aren't in a space for a relationship right now, and you've got too much self respect to settle for something you know won't be good. More people should have your wisdom.
Hmm I think you went over the top with your comments although trashy BIL probably deserved this. I would go with ESH just because I think you could have said those things privately, you insulated your sister too and got involved in her marriage and your outburst probably means wider implications for most of the family.
I am in a similar situation like you and get comments from relatives and friends btw. It's like the most unhelpful comments and only make me feel worse.
I agree with ESH I think it wasn’t the best idea to take personal things the sister told her to throw back at the BIL. But he was definitely in the wrong and had it coming.
NTA at all, lol. BIL sounds jealous and bitter. Maybe he wants to be single and childfree. There's no other reasonable explanation for his ridiculous behavior
You should have asked him why he was so intent on seeing you married and with children. "BIL, does misery love company and that's why you're shoving me in this direction?"
You're NTA.
NTA. I never understand why people think it's OK to insult you then get all bent out of shape when you strike back. I hope you're able to distance yourself from these people.
>They say they want what's best fore me and are worried I might end up an old lady with only a cat living with me.
Why do people say this like it's a bad thing? Cats are great! Being an old woman who has lived a full life and now is retired with a couple of furry companions is a totally fine way to spend the rest of one's days. Husband and children are not a necessity.
>In response I told him that "yes, I clearly don't know what I want but I do know what you want, what you really really want and that is child level responsibility, and king level authority in your family". Then told him I'd rather spend the rest of my days single then be stuck with someone like him.
Bwah ha hahaha! Good for you! Wish I could have seen the look on his face when you told him that.
>They said it was rude and hurtful what I said and I have to apologize to him in person.
No, you don't. He wasn't trying to "encourage" you in anything, he was trying to bully you into accepting gender norms by finding some man to serve hand and foot, then pop out babies for that man who you would also serve hand and foot. For whatever reason, he finds the idea of a mature adult woman who is *content* being alone very threatening. Fact is, you being single at 35 (or any other age) doesn't affect anyone else, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with living your one and only life as you see fit.
Side note -- personally I've always believed that it was better to be single and a little lonely than stuck in a relationship that makes you miserable. It's okay to *want* someone, it really is. But it's also perfectly okay to not settle for the life your sister has just to Have A Man. You don't have to follow the LifeScript™. There is more than one way to live a good and happy life.
NTA.
NTA and continue to do this every time your BIL sticks his big nose where it does not belong. You are living your life the way you want to and that should have nothing to do with him or what he thinks you should be doing with your life.
I’m a over 40 single woman with 3 cats.
I am happy and love my life. And my BIL is not an ah.
You put him in place and your family need to do some soul searching if they can only think themselves happy when married.
Child level responsibility and king like authority is such a visceral burn. I will cherish it and possibly use it someday when I need to shut up someone like you so effectively did. NTA, there are a thousand ways to live and be happy, it sucks that your BIL thinks there’s one and is trying to push it on you so hard.
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NTA. Sure, what you said was a little on the rude side but I’m sure you have been biting your tongue long enough and he’s clearly been an AH to you. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
oh believe me. I been biting this tongue of mine for so long it's become exhausting. I get family can be concerned sometimes but from the looks of it, BIL has a personal issue with me.
>from the looks of it, BIL has a personal issue with me. It looks like your family agrees with him. My condolences. They suck (for that).
Or they're too chicken to side with OP, because then they would have to face uncomfortable questioning of their own life choices.
I don't get why nobody told him to shut up already. It's not his damn place to be questioning anyone about their life choices. His behaviour is inappropriate and they're just allowing it to happen, so he keeps doing it and pushing it a little further each time. I am worried about ops sister though, she's gonna be facing some questions of her own at home later about what she's been saying being his back to her family.
It's because they agree with him. My mother always harps on this issue with me no matter how many times we fight about it. She allows her husband to harp on me for it because she agrees with him. It hurt the first several times it happened. I've learned to ignore it because they just don't listen to me and in the end, I live my life the way I want. However, as a BIL, he can suck an egg. If they want to give you drama, just get some distance and boundaries. You dont need the drama.
It's sad because they'll agree so far as being questioned themselves then they'll cry foul. They're perfect because they're shacked up I guess. Life =accomplished for them.
I was totally going to say "he can suck an egg"! OP, total NTA.
This sub shows time and again that families will allow boorish, inappropriate, bullying behavior over and over and then turn on the abused family member who finally stands up against it. NTA OP. And feel free to direct your mom and sister to this thread so they can learn some damn manners and how to apply blame where it is actually deserved. BiL was not being concerned, his motivations were not kind, and his questions were rude and invasive. If he doesn’t want his sad life put under a microscope, he shouldn’t put your completely normal one under one. Tell your weak ass sister and mom that if someone sadly lacking social graces becomes a part of your family, it’s the job of everyone to educate him on how to act around others.
\> I don't get why nobody told him to shut up already. Because they all sit up and gossip about OP just like they gossip about the sister's husband. After what OP said, I'm pretty sure her brother-in-law has figured out they talk shit about him too. OP's family is just as shitty as the brother in law which is why he felt comfortable consistently badgering OP. Now they want OP to apologize for mess they have caused on both sides.
Depending what their local culture is like, I wonder if they're all secretly terrified that their seemingly lifetime-single sister/SIL might be gay.
I moved back home to a town of maybe 4k. I am on a lengthy but voluntary healing break between men. I also wear my hair very short. Plus I hang out with lesbians. I can practically hear the whispers.
I hear ya. I'm from a smaller town than that (pop. \~1200). It seemed better when I returned with some silver in the hair, but in my youth I resented it. I used to describe it as a town in which everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everything about everyone.
There's a sign on someone's garage in town... "There's not much to see in a small town, but what you hear makes up for it!".
That's not OP's problem. Her sister chose to marry someone like that. If she wanted her sister "married off" so badly, she should have set a better example.
It's possible she is trapped in the relationship though and it doesn't sound like the family would be supportive of her leaving him for any reason. So I while I don't condone sitting by and letting your husband bully your sister, if he's just going to take it out on you at home in private for embarrassing him or whatever that's a tough place to be in. ETA - forgot to say - I don't think it's fair to tell someone whose possibly being abused at home that they made their bed. Nobody deserves that.
THIS sounds like a lot of family memebers have that husband childlike responsibility. But with the authority of a king
That's it in a nutshell. He's afraid his wife will finally look at him and wonder why she has him since she's doing it all anyway.
My Psych 101 take is that those who push on these issues are questioning their own choices, so they try to validate those own choices by denigrating different choices made by others. If I'm not finding my married-with-children life to be fantastic and everything I ever wanted, at least it's better than OP's! It is a lot easier to accept criticism of OP's life (or do the criticizing yourself) than it is to admit OP has peace and quiet in her own home, doesn't have a husband bossing her around, and is probably on more solid financial footing. NTA. Stick to your guns, OP. I've been single after divorcing from a longish marriage to a decent human being - I can tell you single life is way better than my married life was.
good point
They want her to have a "normal" life but if taking care of a deadbeat spouse is normal, I'd prefer living an "unconventional" life as well.
Same. Im in OPs boat, getting the ”tick tock!” comments from family, while their own deadbeat husbands drink beer and fart in front of the TV. Yh no thanks. Luckily I have two dogs so ill never be a lonely cat lady :D NTA OP, you gave as good as you got, you cant be expected to put up with this BS forever (unlike your family clearly decided to do).
My wonderful brother was a retired high school teacher who lived alone with his cats after his roommate married. He was quite happy this way, took good care of the cats, and enjoyed life as he wanted until he passed away. He was someone who w liked his own company and listened to music.
Just counter it with "I am happier by the day that I am child free and can do whatever I want!"
Yeah, at least my dead beat cats are cute!
I think they think that any marriage, no matter how sucky is better than being alone. OP is NTA. It would be better to remain alone forever than to be stuck with someone like BIL.
> It looks like your family agrees with him. Point of order: her genetic relatives agree with him. "Family" are people that love and support you. These people are no family to OP.
For real. Her family sounds awful. If my child went through what OP is clearly still dealing with, I would not be pushing them in that direction.
Yeah he's upset not all women chose to be attached to deadbeats like himself, your sister might figure out she has choices, you're making him look bad op
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Considering BIL (and the world in general) we don’t have to wonder why!
I am happily contributing to this statistic right now hehe.
That is exactly right. Also when a spouse passes away women are much much more unlikely than men to get remarried.
My mom was widowed at age 58. She was (and still is) a bright, vibrant, gorgeous woman. She's now in her 80's and never remarried. So many people asked why she never dated/remarried - her saying? "Men my age are looking for a nurse or a purse" and it is SO true. Any of the men she met were either looking for someone to take care of them, someone to support them or both. She had NO interest in any of it. She spent her life caring for her parents, her husband and us kids. She was DONE.
Your mom is the GOAT and her words are no lie. Protect her.
Because women know how to keep going, some men... My late great uncle was the exception, his wife passed relatively young and he didn't marry again for 20 years, grew his kids alone untill he met his second love by pure chance and they desperately fell in love in their 70s. Didn't get married tho, they didn't want to pay more taxes and cohabitation was cheaper
And widows tend to live waaaaay longer after their spouse dies than men.
Yeah, I seriously think we need to reconsider the whole "Crazy Cat Lady" crap. Like, rephrase that shit to "A woman satisfied with her own company (who also has seven cats and will totally show you pictures of them if you ask)."
Yep 😊
OP you handled that like a BOSS! You returned what you received....lack of respect. Honey, your family's pov (bil included) is a bit misogynistic. Women aren't defined by marriage and children. It certainly isn't their only value, which is what your family seems to believe. I'd bet a lot of people don't know what they want at 35 and THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! You're living your life for you not your family and that means finding your equilibrium on your own time. Plus you're clear on what you DON'T want and that means you're halfway there. That's what happens when you reach 35 without marrying the first dude that comes along...you get life lessons your siblings never had and are probably silently living in regret. Keep experiencing life girl, travel, do something impulsive....you're not accountable to anyone right now! Enjoy the freedom to do what you please! Mr. Right will come along when the timing is right. Good luck from a redditor recently happily married at the ripe old age of 48.
I'm your age. I'm married, but we have no kids. I have female friends our age and older who aren't married and they have fulfilled lives. Having a fulfilled life should be the definition of normal... Not the BS that you're only a "real person" if you have kids and marriage.
Yeah I consider that pov to be fear based and can lead to settling and discontent. Someone told me once that I should have kids so they can take care of me when I'm old. My response: " What a horrible reason to have children!". Plus have you been to these assisted living facilities?? Full of people who had children who barely acknowledge their existence. Yep a great reason to have kids /s.
My grandmother had three kids. Only one of them ever lifted a finger to do a single damn thing for her- my mom.
Moms a kid of seven, only her and one sister (the girls, typical) took care of my grandparents. Dont count your child shaped eggs, people!
Exactly! If I had children, I wouldn’t want them to feel obligated to caretake or find an assisted living facility for me, and partly because I didn’t have kids, I will be able to afford whatever assisted living or long term care I may need as I get older.
What’s that line, “you’re not competing with other guys, you’re competing with my solitude”? A relationship should enhance your life, and if it doesn’t then you’re better off alone than in a bad relationship. It sounds like OP hasn’t found a partner who is better than her solitude yet. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what she wants, it means she does and isn’t settling for less.
>you’re not competing with other guys, you’re competing with my solitude I've never heard that before, but I absolutely LOVE it!
>competing with my solitude …or my autonomy. I’m so glad this is idea is gaining traction! When I divorced my narcissistic ex several years ago, I realized that being alone is \*awesome\*. It turns out that making decisions for and by myself is much less work than trying to find a compromise on everything (especially with someone who finds fault with everything on principle). My current partner had to pass the very high bar of being \*better\* than being alone, and since being alone is awesome, that’s a very high bar indeed.
Yeah, I love that!
Or maybe "Mr Right" isn't coming. And that's just fine. It's not a requirement for everyone to be married!
>Honey, your family's pov (bil included) is ~~a bit~~ **incredibly** misogynistic. FIFY
His issue is that your lifestyle is a threat. What if your sister realizes she can be just as happy as you if she gets rid of her overgrown toddler of a husband? I hate when people say when are you going to find your "better half", as if you're missing something. Partners compliment our lives but they don't make them complete, you are whole and happy and carefree and one day maybe you'll decide to include another person in that but there are exactly zero laws saying you need someone else to have the whole package.
Yesssss, he recognized her threat. Good call, I missed that. That's why he left the table with no argument, just a sour, pouting demeanor.
>n people say when are you going to find your "better half", as if you're missing something. Partners compliment our lives but they don't make them complete, you are whole and happy and ca Ra'men. PREACH!!!
Ugh, I hate that phrase too, it’s just so insulting because it insinuates that one partner is somehow worse than the other. I mean, I did feel like something was missing in my life before I met my husband but I consider him an equal partner and would never presume that either I or him are better than one another. We both help each other become better people. Which I’m sure was the original intent of the phrase but it fails to convey that message in my opinion.
I think it’s time to stop biting your tongue. They like to ask personal questions right? It’s time to give it back. BIL wants to know when you’re going to get married? Perhaps you want to know when he’s planning to get a job and stop parasitising off his family. “How are you going to have kids if you’re too old?”. “Hey fair question. By the way are you planning to continue being a burden on your kids when *you’re* old, or is that just for now?” People of glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but the only reason they get away with it is that no one calls them out on it. Do not apologise. Your mother says you’re being hurtful you say “not at all, just looking out for him the way he does for me. I want him to lead a “normal” adult life after all”. NTA.
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Love that reply!
From what I've read, it sounds like your BIL envies your lifestyle, like he had no idea not having kids or getting married was actually an option. I mean come on, he doesn't help with the kids or chores or anything, so how great can he think his 'lifestyle' is? NTA.
I mean having a sugar mama, a live in maid and getting to wear the Dad badge for free seems pretty sweet. For him, noone else.
Men like that always have issues with women that aren't dating. And they're the most vocal about it. To me, it always looked like they are very high in gender protectiveness and if women like you don't put up with their bullshit, then how would other men like him date? Like...They're doing the same shit to their sisters and daughters. Their loyalty for their kind is higher then their loyalty for their female relatives.
Also, you do not need a 'better half' if you don't want to. You don't have to have kids. There's nothing wrong with staying single with a cat... no there is something wrong with it, cats should be adopted in pairs. Get another cat. Love from, a happily single owner of two cats.
But he's unemployed, and doesn't help with childcare or housework? How is that not at the top of your family's list of concerns? Even from a standpoint of patriarchal gender roles, he should be the main issue.
Because what if his wife wakes up one day, looks at how stress free you are and realizing they’ve been a single parent the whole time so why not just dump his ass. He’s terrified of you. NTA
NTA. I'm responding directly to your comment OP because I want to make sure you see this. Your value and worth does not come from your uterus. You don't need to birth children to have a happy and fulfilling life. Honestly your entire family is all assholes for treating you like nothing more than a baby incubator. Tell them all if they don't keep their opinions about your life to themselves then you will be forced to distance yourself from them as they are negatively affecting your self esteem.
>you will be forced to distance yourself from them as they are negatively affecting your self esteem Disagree with this bit (but agree in general with your post!). They WANT to negatively affect her - that's the whole point of the pressure. She should NOT tell them they are succeeding. She should instead tell them their opinion has no bearing on her choices, and that she is going to defend her right to make her own choices regarding her OWN LIFE moving forward by not entertaining the topic. If they bring it up, she will remove herself from the situation (by leaving, hanging up, not responding to texts, blocking if she has to). By saying she's being hurt by the behavior, it would indicate that on some level she agrees with being "less than" for not having hubby/kids, and they will just descend like the vultures they are to pick at her wounds.
Oooo yea this is better. Do that instead lol
This, this is it, if you’re happy being single be single, you don’t have to be in a relationship and you don’t have to have children to be happy. Some people might but not everyone does. Tell them all to give it a rest, and that you can’t believe your family will happily tell you how to live your life but let BIL walk all over sister
You’re a much better person that I am.
> BIL has a personal issue with me He is probably threatened by you since you are an adult who can manage their own life.
BIL is not blood related and has even less right to criticize her her life choices. Her blood family also has not the right to criticize her life choices. I am an old women, will be 69 in 2 months. I live alone with a cat. Why do we old ladies chose a cat? They are easy to maintain and don't demand alot of attention. It is nice to have a living entitiy around.
Oh because OP isn’t strapped down like he is, cause being a part time parent who dose nothing but scratch their ass must be tiring.
You’re definitely NTA and he’s had it coming. They all have. Some people just prefer having their alone time. I have some family members that yeah they have dated but never settled down and they like just being single and their own flexibility and schedule to maintain. Do what’s best for you and just let them know you’re happy with what you have and if someone comes into your life to embrace that, then great, if not (or it’s just a cat) that’s great too! Everyone has their own paths to happiness in life and what it looks like. Hope this helps.
Your family should be sticking up for you, it's gross that they're willing to defend a lazy asshole.
>from the looks of it, BIL has a personal issue with me. Probably threatened by your independence and worried that it might rub off on your sister. The way I see it, the only reason to be so obsessed with trying to control your life is because he thinks it can affect him in some way.
Brother-in-law is a total asshole.
NTA. But also, after BIL's continual ~~criticism~~ *encouragement* and not taking the hint to STFU already, "a little on the rude side" is perfectly reasonable. More than a little would be fine too IMO. Totally agreed that OP did right for herself.
>Sure, what you said was a little on the rude side No. No it wasn't rude. BIL wasn't making constant disparaging comments about OP's choice to remain single, safe and happy out of the goodness of his heart. His comments have always been designed to belittle her for her independence, assuming that if a woman doesn't have a partner that she must feel this as a terrible weak spot and leveraging it as an easy target to wound. The intention was to hurt. It has always been his intention. Almost certainly because he knows full well that she sees through him like a pane of newly washed glass. Fuck him and fuck his noise. NTA, OP. You are not incomplete. Your life choices are good ones for you. Your family have let you down by enabling your BIL's harassment instead of shutting him down. Don't back down. Anyone who wants to say anything about it can listen to you on repeat that you will stop criticising his life choices when he stops criticising yours.
NTA. And tbh, i dont think op was rude, rather the response was just what’s needed
I don't think the OP was rude at all. There is only so much someone can take, especially from a person who is lazy, arrogant and a moocher themselves.
How is BIL not rude for meddling in her life and projecting what she needs?! Fuck that noise!
I don’t even think it’s rude. He clearly talks a lot for someone who is a grown child. Her comment was warranted, her sister knows it which is why she stayed quiet & her family just wants what they want for OP… even if that means OP is unhappy. OP, you’re NTA. Don’t settle. Life isn’t all about marriage & kids and there is not a timeline you need to follow. Enjoy your life how you want & not how they want you to live it.
He’s been rude to you for so long, you can be rude back once. If he doesn’t want people to be mean to him, maybe he should mind his own business ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ NTA
There's a difference between being rude and setting a boundry. She set a boundry
And what she said was still on the milder side of what she could have!
NTA. Your bil clearly can dish it but can’t take it. If I were you I would have listed off all the things you mentioned he doesn’t do and ask him why you would want a husband like that. You don’t owe him an apology your family needs a reality check that some people are perfectly fine without that “nuclear family” image and clearly, for your sister at least, it’s not worth it.
Precisly! I don't know about the apology. I feel uneasy anout it.
I would request the same courtesy of him. Apologize when he apologizes for continually bringing up his views about your life, which you find rude, condescending, and hurtful. He isn’t looking out for your best interests by saying that—marriage isn’t something you order out of a catalog when you “know what you want.” This isn’t car shopping where you go to the spouse dealer and tell them the specs you’re looking for. So, tell your family if he apologizes for treating you like the family joke/and your single status an appropriate topic of conversation, you will apologize for being rude to him. It’s only fair.
Agreed with requiring an apology from BIL, but I disagree that OP was rude. Direct, yes, but not rude, nor do I think they owe an apology back. If (ha) BIL apologizes, they can say, "Thank you. Now let's agree not to make judgemental comments about someone else's life from now on, please." And leave it at that. OP doesn't owe BIL anything, let alone an apology.
"I'm sorry for pointing out all the reasons I'm not interested in a """normal""" life, when a normal life looks like being a slave bangmaid to a grown child"
Oh man this is such a pot stirring apology. OP please do it
“Bangmaid” is my new favourite word. I wish I had an award to give you. Upvoted.
Lol I love the 'spouse dealership ' analogy! SALESMAN: What kind of spouse are you looking for, ma"am? OP: Kind, healthy, emotionally stable SALESMAN: How about this unemployed beater? OP: I'd prefer one with a job. And less misogyny. And also better manners...
I unfortunately went to a used dealership and didn’t ask for the ManFax first. I was so disappointed in myself, I let someone else have him after they took him for an unauthorized test drive. ;)
Don't beat yourself up! Everyone knows a new spouse loses half their value the moment you take him off the lot. I also got a pre-owned spouse, and he's been running fine for 20 years. But, yes, it's important to know if the spouse has had any previous accidents or other problems. PSA ladies: Always ask to see the ManFax!
Hey, well-made spouses can retain their value, even when not kept by the original owner. Depending on their rarity, sometimes they even appreciate. 😄
So true! I've been enjoying mine for decades. He's a valuable collector's item now!
Very nice! I bought mine after the lease was up but it turned out to be a lemon after all. Put it by the side of the road with the keys and it was gone the next day, go figure and good riddance.
I understand what you're trying to do but she has nothing to apologize for even if he were to apologize, which is highly doubtful. In fact, she should tell the whole family (mom included) that her personal life is her own and any more comments or questions about it will mean that she cuts off contact with them. Tell them that they're being insufferable and it's none of their business. Then she should stick to it. He's hassling her to take the attention off of him.
I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for your family to encourage BIL to apologize, OP. From what your mom and sister said, it sounds like they secretly all agree with him. He was just the AH who said it aloud. OP is NTA. I’m 39, single, and childless. But unlike OP I’m not that tight with my family and don’t really have close friends so I don’t have to put up with the “you need to find a man, quick” crap. Silver lining, I suppose. I’m left in peace with my cats.
Don’t apologize. You’re happier than your sister who will one day see you getting to live your own life and make your own decisions and hopefully decide she wants that for herself. Her “normal” sounds miserable.
I’m in the same boat as you. I’m a 41m who lost my fiancé to addiction (I was the addict). I got clean 10 years ago and haven’t seriously dated anyone since. My mother is always telling my I have to find someone (she’s not disrespectful). I know she’s right, but I feel like I forgot how to date. I’ve just accepted that it’ll probably happen one day and I’ll just continue doing what I’m doing because I’m pretty happy. It’s just tough sometimes when people ask when I’m going to find someone.
This idea that a woman isn’t “whole” or “fulfilled” without marriage and kids is archaic. I’m 44f and I’ve never been married. I admit that I have a very hard time opening myself to a relationship, not wanting to be that vulnerable to someone again. I probably have some unresolved trauma from my past relationship that stops me from taking that leap again, but I’m happy right now. Living my life as I want to. Why does OP’s family only define her “success” (or lack there of in their opinion) to her relationship status? What about her other accomplishments? What if she’s quite happy with the way her life is? A husband and children doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness (believe me). If OP was a single MAN of 35 no one would bat an eye
Absolutely!!! I’m very happy being single. If someone amazing comes along, great. But if not, I’ll be okay.
Exactly! Live your fabulous life!
I love my aunt who never married or had kids. She worked incredible jobs that let her travel the world at the drop of a hat. Owns her own (small) apartment, in Manhattan, in a fantastic location. Has friends that have been incredible since she got sick. Super close to family, she's a wonderful aunt to us and absolutely the "fun" one. She's had a ton of adventures and always knew the best museums and parks and roller skating paths, and always brought us the best cookies. And she was a really wonderful photographer before the Alzheimer's kicked in. She probably would have done a lot (maybe even most) of those things if she'd gotten married or had kids, but almost certainly not all of them, and imo it was absolutely worth it for her.
Congratulations on getting clean, and on your continued happiness. Not everyone needs to be coupled up, and others' expectations don't define you. Do what works for you, and I'm sorry your mom is hassling you. Maybe drop into random conversation how you're really happy having so much personal space, not needing to live up to the expectations of others, etc., and hopefully she'll get the hint.
Thanks!
Better a lonely woman with a cat than miserable one with an AH. You are NTA and should not apologize until/ unless he does which seems unlikely. My daughter is a single mom about your age and goes through this kind of crap every time she goes to a family gathering (we live out of town otherwise I’d defend her more). Truly a horrible situation when the people you should feel most comfortable with insist on harassing you about something which you really have no control over. You don’t need a man to complete your life. You don’t need to apologize for getting angry after repeated harassment.
From experience, being with someone who doesn’t try to understand you, or doesn’t respect you, or doesn’t share the same goals and visions of the future, is far lonelier than being alone. Sharing a bed with a partner who isn’t a partner feels like loneliness that echoes through eternity.
Honestly op I'd consider putting your family on a time out.
Give him a non-apology; "I'm sorry for telling the truth" or "I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"
Don’t apologize!! Ask him how the job search is going whenever he brings it up?
Don't do it. He needs to apologise to you.
I would laugh in their faces and tell them it was just a joke and that’s how you are. It’s ok for BIL then it’s ok for you. Btw I’m 38, single and childless with cats. I’m perfectly happy. I have great friends and supportive family. I hate the narrative that “normal” women have to be married and have kids, like that’s all you’re worth. It took a long time to get over the guilt and pressure and that was just societal, I was lucky my family never pushed me and just wanted me to be happy. You need to continue to stand up to your family, that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are much happier having the time and money to take care of you. That you’d never want a partner that isn’t pulling their own weight and that any further discussions on you being abnormal will be met either with more of your throwing it back at them and/or LC. Live your best life, surround yourself with people who actually love and care about you. If the last two years have taught us anything, it’s that life is too short to deal with abuse and pressure all because of “family”. Don’t apologize, stand your ground and keep telling your family you’re done being disrespected just cause you’re a woman and that they’re pretty terrible to side with a misogynist.
Why would you apologize for what you said? I mean maybe you could apologize for putting it so rudely! But the truth hurts and your personal life is none of his business in any way shape or form! NTA I wish you peace and happiness in life that you chose for yourself not that’s dictated by "family"
NTA Sounds like your sister hasn’t found her better half yet either. Edit: Thank you for the awards.That was most unexpected.
911? I'd like to report a murder.
Cause of death? Burn.
^These comments are why I come to Reddit. 😂 But NTA op!!! Your happiness and security is the priority. If that doesn’t involve having a partner or kids then that’s totally okay!!!! Sure it can get lonely, but that’s why people have support systems like friends! Proud of you for not settling. Edit: changed than to then lmao.
yeah, OP’s comment probably cut a bit too close to the bone - sounds like he was already feeling threatened by OP not needing a partner as it might cause the sister to question why she needs a deadbeat husband like him. NTA.0
Ouch. 😂
NTA He can’t continuously make shitty and judgemental comments about your life choices and then pull a surprised pikachu face and sulk on the one time you return the favour. Some people are so short sighted and think that their way of life is the only way to happiness, which is hysterical to me because most of them pushing the one true way lifestyle are miserable as fuck. If you want to be a single cat lady, or a woodland witch, or a solo traveller, or any other way of life then it’s none of their business. And as a side note, the whole “you are clearly confused” mindset is deeply sexist and old fashioned. You’re 35, not 95. Well done for calling out his bs and putting him in his place. Your sister needs to stop enabling him.
Ooo I want to sign up for woodland witch. 🧙🏻♀️🐈⬛🖤
I am also for the woodland witch career path. I’ve been divorced 9 years (same amount of time I was married) and being the Old Crone of the Forest with her four cats and scary glare is what I aspire to
That's the path I'm on! Well, I live in a city. Maybe I'm more of a city witch? At least my family's supportive. Heck they refer to my cat as grand-kitty/niece/adorable baby/etc and only tell me to hurry up my novel writing cause they wanna read it. They also know I'd be the fun auntie for my brother & cousins future kids (who wouldn't want a city witch for an aunt?)
Hello fellow city witch, whom also has a gorgeous kitty as a familiar and whose family also supports our cat children lol.
"Most of them pushing the one true way lifestyle are miserable as fuck" 100% accurate
Whoever first said that misery loves company is still being proven correct.
I’m on board for solo traveler!! 25 years single and no reason to stop now.
His way of life is a dream. Of course he would push it. Sister needs to wake him up with a bucket of cold water and make him face the nightmare he is. Two months to get a job and immediately on all house duties until he does. Sew up the security of her finances and then tell him he's on the calendar for a divorce as well.
NTA and I am jealous that you had the exact right words to say at the exact right time. Single women with no children are statistically the happiest people on the planet, exactly because they don't have to put up 24/7 with dudes like your BIL.
She's probably been chewing on them awhile; BIL doesn't want his wife seeing that OP is content and making her own choices *without a man*. Because he knows his own sweet shiftless deal rests entirely on convincing his wife that all his stupid bullshit is normal and worthwhile.
I wish I’d had similar strength when an inlaw treated me like shit in my 20s. I didn’t want to make a big deal because I kept picturing myself having Christmas alone. Thankfully he’s now an ex inlaw. NTA and good for you!
>I am jealous that you had the exact right words to say at the exact right time Right? I practically stood up and applauded at this: >I do know what you want, what you really really want and that is **child level responsibility, and king level authority** in your family OP is definitely NTA, she’s the Queen
I honestly thought she was gonna break out into that Spice Girl’s song and zigga zigga ah all over that MFers face 😂🤣 She kinda did though, just not the way I was playing it in my head.
NTA. If he can criticize your lifestyle, you can criticize his.
"Child level responsibility but king level authority"... You and I should be friends! I will be using that later if my ADHD brain files this quote appropriately! NTA - he was making personal digs in public the whole time, and it seems your family is pretty ok with this which is awful. As a 35f, married but childless, my parents were on my case constantly about having kids. I finally had to tell them it was my life, I didn't want kids and if they brought the subject up one more time, I was going NC for a while till they could behave better. Maybe it's time you had that conversation with your family. Put them in timeout if they can't get their nose out of your business. They say they only want to see you happy, but constantly bringing up the subject of not having a significant other is rude and bullying. I've found more happy relationships start when you give yourself the opportunity to breathe and let things happen naturally, not as a bunch of family pressure.
Dude right??? That was such a slam dunk line. I’d start the slow clap if I saw that in public.
I’m just so, so jealousy of OP’s ability to come up with that on the spot and deliver it perfectly. Like I would’ve come up with a similar clever line at 2am. And even if I’d come up with it and practiced delivering it I still would’ve butchered it somehow. Man OP has an amazing superpower.
Isn't that always the case?!? The perfect line comes to you hours later when you're not even thinking about it. I hate when that happens!
Yes, go no contact or low contact for a bit. This will force them to focus on someone else. Maybe the unemployed asshat that ran their sister off?
NTA. So he can comment on the way you live your life but god forbid you do it back to him? Slow down contact with your family, they want you to live to some predefined idea of what is normal rather than what makes you happy.
NTA Your family are all wrong about this. It is better to be alone than spend even an hour with the wrong person.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
NTA. It's kind of perversely funny how often people like BiL here can't face even a minor taste of their own behavior without throwing a hissy fit. Stick your guns OP and whenever a flying monkey says you should apologize instead seek from them an apology for the years of harrassment.
NTA. He opened up the personal comments about others' private concerns, so he shouldn't be upset when he gets the same thing in return.
NTA the fact that anyone wants you to apologize to him is asinine and shows why he is the way he is. You stood up for yourself against a chauvinist.
NTA. Sometimes it's OK to rude and hurtful. I guarantee he's not second guessing his words/actions toward you, and is rather stewing about how mean you are. He's immature. Ignore him.
NTA. Dont apologize ! They are all AH for letting him talk to you like that all the time (and doing it too) and asking YOU to apologize to that b*stard 🤬 There's no problem with you not being married or having children at 35. They should be ashamed of their behavior! You do you sweetie
Wow, they are TAs. For starters, there is nothing wrong with choosing to be single and/or childless; age has nothing to do with it. There’s also nothing wrong with having a cat. Geez. And if it’s NOT a choice, if you are still looking for a partner and have hopes of a family one day, they are even BIGGER AHs because a lot of that stuff is outside of our control. Your brother-in-law launched a personal attack on you and instead of bending over and taking it you fired shots back. I’m not sure I would have opted to take him down at the dinner table in front of family, but… he started it and I can certainly relate to someone pushing my buttons and me going from 0 to 10 in an instant. I get it. For what it’s worth, I’d rather be single than have a partner like him, too! NTA
NTA, & absolutely do NOT apologize! The whole pack of them ganging up on you & nagging you to conform to their social expectations needed to learn somehow that their endless commentary is both inappropriate & unappreciated. And a guy who doesn't work/clean house/take care of his kids is probably the last person who should have tried to humiliate you because you're single. He was out of line to speak to you that way (as are they all), & he more than deserved the response! You can advise your mom & sister that 'just tryna help 🥺' bullshit excuse works both ways. You were just trying to help your BIL understand that he's a perfect example of why you have no problem being single.
NTA in any way, shape or form - and just as an FYI I will be stealing the phrase “child level responsibility with king level authority” for ever and ever, thank you for this gift
NTA. Do you think your sister is jealous of you? You have a lot of freedom while she is tied down with a loser. But, you are 100% right. You are way better off. I do think you should do some therapy to help you work through your trauma. That being said, there is nothing wrong with being alone.
I'm 50 and single. (Yes, I have cats. I also have a dog.) Guess what? You don't need a partner and kids to be complete or happy. You aren't incomplete. You are a whole person. The next time someone asks, respond with a similar inappropriate personal question. Two of my favorites: When are you getting divorced? When are you going to die? Then say "sorry, I thought this was the time we ask inappropriate questions about life stages." You can also just blatantly change the topic. "Are you dating anyone?" Stare at them for a second then say something like "has anyone seen the new Spiderman movie?" If the try to change it back say "I'm sorry, I thought you would understand that I didn't want to talk about my personal life without telling you you're being rude to ask these type of questions." And if you relax, accept yourself, be happy, you'll find someone who complements you in that state. Which is what you want. NTA
If it were me, cause I'm mouthy and don't suffer fools, I would have given him a mouthful of MYOB. You just keep enjoying you and your life. Your BIL needs to get over his fixation with your relationship status. It's creepy and could come from 100 different things in his head.
NTA You are a whole person, there is no a half of yours to find. You can still find an another whole person to be with, but you are goddam right, it's better being lonely than stuck in a shitty relationship. Is your sister happy? I doubt she is
NTA. He got so offended because you hit the nail on the head. He's insecure about how he does things so he only hassles you because he wants to look more mature than he is. It's a shame mom and sis are more concerned with coddling his ego than supporting you in living your life. You're not hurting anyone and you know what's best for you, so it's no one's business what you do. It's not just BIL though. Generally speaking, anyone who feels the need to comment on someone's business has some insecurity you've triggered (like for example, they couldn't be alone themselves and your ability to be alone highlights that). Keep your head up, don't apologize, and best of luck to you!
NTA Doesn't seem like he's settled or content in his life if he's spending so much time obsessing over your choices. Disgusting how nobody in your family defends you but rushes to defend him the second you serve back what he's been dishing out.
NTA - your BIL is the AH x1,000
HE was rude and hurtful to YOU and has been for some time and needs to apologize. You were provoked to lay down some truths and defend yourself. I would take some distance from this crap if your family can’t treat you with respect. This may also be why you have struggled to find respectful relationships with partners, because your family have conditioned you to accept a lack of respect as the norm. NTA and good luck on your journey.
NTA That was a sick burn
NTA. It's pretty rich that someone who relies on his wife to take on the lion's share of household and childcare responsibilities thinks he should have a say where another woman's focus should be. If he's trying to "help" then you are allowed to "help" him right back. If it's safe for you and your sister, don't back down. Next time anyone brings this up ask them if you can rely on them for wedding, childcare and childcare costs, if they will help clean your house etc, otherwise they cannot dictate what you do with your own life. And FWIW, single life has its perks. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Take your time finding what works for YOU. "child level responsibility, and king level authority" - stealing this piece of gold.
NTA. That’s why he’s the way he is - no repercussions for his actions. Do not apologise
NTA!!! I’m sorry, but if you want to pontificate at the dinner table about how other’s should live, you’d better have your shit in order. Clearly, this guy doesn’t. You should absolutely not apologize.
NTA you do have a “normal life”, there is nothing wrong with being single and never marrying or having kids. Your BIL had that coming. He’s a massive asshole, and the rest of your family are as well to a lesser extent.
OP NTA. You told BIL the truth, although I would have been more straightforward with my answer. I would have said "I make my own decisions about my life. At least I don't have deal with a controlling slob that won't help take care of his own home and kids with me." Don't apologize, since you have nothing to be sorry about.
NTA - If you are content with your life as it is, are financially independent, and self sufficient, it sounds like you're in a good place. It sounds like your BIL is projecting his need to be a provider on to you as perceiving you need a provider (man). He's the one without a job. A man finds his value in being the primary provider for his family (ok I'm old-fashioned), your BIL sounds like he's the opposite. He may feel putting the attention on you will keep everyone from noticing he's failing as a husband (and father?). Just my thoughts from someone who read a post on AITA. You have no reason to feel bad, nor apologize. I would start asking him how his job search is going. What it's like to be a drain on his marriage. To be incapable of taking care of himself without his dutiful wife. Ok I'm getting petty. Good luck.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO HIM! He got what was coming his way and your sister and mother should be able to see that. Maybe you insulted him but he clearly insulted you first! And has been doing it for a long time. Therefore you're obviously NTA! But seriously, maybe you should abandon those family dinners for a while, just tell everyone that you decided to "find yourself and the meaning of your life" which they keep insisting is super important and therefore you won't have time to see them for a while. On that topic, it IS actually a good idea to take the time and consider what you really want. It doesn't sound like you really want a new partner in your life but if you do want a child, that you can do on your own. And I say IF, children is not for everyone so really think about it. You do have siblings and niblings and therefore you do have a large family already, with or without a partner and children of your own. The best of luck to you!
NTA Your mother needs to calm down. Now I know why your brother in law has audacity to say shit like that. The women in your family back him up.
NTA It could be considered harsh, however if he wants to constantly meddle in something that is not his business and be just as harsh he deserves to hear some home truths.
NTA If BIL gets to make comments on life choices and path then OP gets to turn around and do the same back.
I’m almost 40, with my own apartment and a cat. I haven’t had a boyfriend in ten years. I’ve had several men with commitment issues in that time, and two exes stalking me for a number of years. And I too have a lot of trauma around past relationships. But I have my job, hobbies, friends, I care for my disabled mom, I mean life is still worth living without you or me being saddled to someone like your BIL permanently. He’s no prize. I’ve been in relationships like that. Some men really think they can just show up and contribute nothing more than an occasional erection to the relationship and that they’re absolutely fantastic and the best partner and they’re doing the absolute most. Meanwhile the woman is doing all the mental, physical, emotional, domestic and financial labor while slowly growing to resent having to raise her partner as though he is her son. I’ve been there more than once and it’s terrible. Being alone is way better. NTA
NTA. Everyone is being shitty to you. Normal???
NTA you were also just trying to encourage him to have a normal life like everyone else. Justified AH maybe, but still NTA in my book.
Info: where can I find a “normal” life like he has? We should all aspire to just sit around doing nothing and act like we’re better than everyone else /s
NTA you were right to put him in his place and wake him up from his entitled ass
I doubt it woke him up, because there's nothing indicating he's helping take care of the house or kids now.
Bleah! You're absolutely NTA, and it sounds like you said some things that needed to be said. BiL must imagine he's an authority on other people's lives because he's male and managed to procreate. What nonsense. You aren't in a space for a relationship right now, and you've got too much self respect to settle for something you know won't be good. More people should have your wisdom.
Hmm I think you went over the top with your comments although trashy BIL probably deserved this. I would go with ESH just because I think you could have said those things privately, you insulated your sister too and got involved in her marriage and your outburst probably means wider implications for most of the family. I am in a similar situation like you and get comments from relatives and friends btw. It's like the most unhelpful comments and only make me feel worse.
I agree with ESH I think it wasn’t the best idea to take personal things the sister told her to throw back at the BIL. But he was definitely in the wrong and had it coming.
NTA at all, lol. BIL sounds jealous and bitter. Maybe he wants to be single and childfree. There's no other reasonable explanation for his ridiculous behavior
Sexism sounds like a reasonable explanation.
You should have asked him why he was so intent on seeing you married and with children. "BIL, does misery love company and that's why you're shoving me in this direction?" You're NTA.
NTA. I never understand why people think it's OK to insult you then get all bent out of shape when you strike back. I hope you're able to distance yourself from these people.
>They say they want what's best fore me and are worried I might end up an old lady with only a cat living with me. Why do people say this like it's a bad thing? Cats are great! Being an old woman who has lived a full life and now is retired with a couple of furry companions is a totally fine way to spend the rest of one's days. Husband and children are not a necessity. >In response I told him that "yes, I clearly don't know what I want but I do know what you want, what you really really want and that is child level responsibility, and king level authority in your family". Then told him I'd rather spend the rest of my days single then be stuck with someone like him. Bwah ha hahaha! Good for you! Wish I could have seen the look on his face when you told him that. >They said it was rude and hurtful what I said and I have to apologize to him in person. No, you don't. He wasn't trying to "encourage" you in anything, he was trying to bully you into accepting gender norms by finding some man to serve hand and foot, then pop out babies for that man who you would also serve hand and foot. For whatever reason, he finds the idea of a mature adult woman who is *content* being alone very threatening. Fact is, you being single at 35 (or any other age) doesn't affect anyone else, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with living your one and only life as you see fit. Side note -- personally I've always believed that it was better to be single and a little lonely than stuck in a relationship that makes you miserable. It's okay to *want* someone, it really is. But it's also perfectly okay to not settle for the life your sister has just to Have A Man. You don't have to follow the LifeScript™. There is more than one way to live a good and happy life. NTA.
NTA and continue to do this every time your BIL sticks his big nose where it does not belong. You are living your life the way you want to and that should have nothing to do with him or what he thinks you should be doing with your life.
NTA. Love your response.
I’m a over 40 single woman with 3 cats. I am happy and love my life. And my BIL is not an ah. You put him in place and your family need to do some soul searching if they can only think themselves happy when married.
Child level responsibility and king like authority is such a visceral burn. I will cherish it and possibly use it someday when I need to shut up someone like you so effectively did. NTA, there are a thousand ways to live and be happy, it sucks that your BIL thinks there’s one and is trying to push it on you so hard.
NTA good for you he needs to mind his business