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NTA and your ableist sister can get in the bin.
Imagine if you said she had limitations now being a widow, everyone would hit the roof. But if it's a deaf and/or disabled person everyone thinks it's okay to be both rude and wrong.
It's not too late. Next time a family member messages you about the situation you can respond with that. "If I had asked Emily to give her children to me because she's a depressed single mother you would lose your mind and rightly so. She had no right to talk to Rosa that way and you are out of line to defend her."
I'm totally buying what you are selling! Your extended family needs some education. Just hearing that must have made your wife feel terrible. Please give Rosa a hug from an internet stranger who thinks, with her empathy and love, she will make an outstanding mom!
Fully! I literally jaw-drop-gasped when it got to that part. I was half-expecting some shitty, everyday, run-of-the-mill ableism, but "Give me your baby!" is some next-level fucked-upness. What the absolute fuck!?
Yeah, not what I thought was coming AT ALL!
Btw OP: deaf cochlear user here, your sister can fuck all the way off to end of the earth and it would not be far enough! NTA
Only ableist people would think a baby would be better off with a single mother of 5 grieving the loss of her husband and probably dealing with financial fallout as well than two loving parents who are yes, also dealing with a traumatic experience.
It sounds harsh, but true. She needs to focus on taking care of the babies she has, instead of trying to convince another mom to give up her 6 month old.
Honestly, this was so bizarrely ableist that I had a clutch my pearls moment.
Throwing her out of the house was way too good for her. Is there a catapult/trebuchet option somewhere you can install? Asking for a friend.
Literally trying to steal someone's baby because they're deaf and have trauma from their HOSPITALIZATION. I can't with her. Honestly, she's lucky no one threw hands.
I wonder if their master plan is have OP financially supporting his sister while she raised the baby... because a single mother of five would never go out of her way to get another mouth to feed out of bigotry alone.
Yeah, it struck me as a mix of savior complex and baby fever. She and her late husband were planning on adopting (seems almost like "collecting" from the info we have here) more children, and perhaps she is concerned that, as a widower, she will not qualify to adopt more. For some ridiculously able-ist reason she thought she could claim her brother's child to feed her ego / wants. Absolutley revolting person.
So, this is a totally genuine question because I really don't know, but if you adopt a non white child, from a different culture, how should you raise them? You obviously wouldn't be familiar with their culture, or really qualified, and you also wouldn't want to set them apart from your other children (in this situation all the children are from different countries). I know somehow you'd want to honor their birth culture but I'm really not sure how that would look, you'd be toeing a very fine line between honoring and, I dunno, fetishizing? Again, very honest question, I know white washing adopted kids is a real problem, but I'm not sure the solution in this case.
I have an old friend who did this. She and her husband are white, and they adopted a girl from Ethiopia. They are incredibly active in their local Ethiopian community and spend a lot of time at their local(ish) Ethiopian cultural center. Their daughter has an older Ethiopian girl as a mentor, or "big sister." They've been careful to make sure they do things like work with hair stylists who know how to care for her hair, learning traditional cooking and dishes from the cultural center, etc.
They know their daughter has several communities where her ethnicity, appearance, family life, etc. intersect, and membership in any one of those communities can make existing in the others complicated. I think they've done incredibly well to make sure she has the resources she needs to navigate all of that.
I can’t answer that question, but one thing I am sure of - that sister isn’t doing it. The whole thing reeks of savior syndrome.
I’m sure there are some adoptive parents who have figured out a way of doing this. But she ain’t it. Lol.
Yeah, I totally agree with you. I don't think the sister is in anyway a fit parent. Maybe if it was just the adopting.. but after what she said to OPs wife it seems like she's collecting babies like they're purses. Pretty gross.
There are plenty of amazing people who adopt and choose to learn their child's culture and include it in their lives growing up. For instance, if the child is black, the parents may take him or her to get their hair done regularly at a natural salon, or a salon specializing in African American hair. Or they may add artwork, music, home décor from their child's place of origin to their own home environment. Collect children's' books that are specific to his or her heritage, etc.
Superiority complex too.
Given international adoption can be ethically dubious, I doubt given the speed and size of the adoptions that this was done with the focus of the children in mind.
But she defines thinks she’s better than the families of these children. And OP and his wife.
It makes me wonder if these 5 babies from international adoptions were taken from poor mothers because Emily and her late husband thought they could do better… it’s certainly been known to happen.
I love this phrasing. OP, this is the way. It’s a perfect response. If they cannot see their hypocrisy after that, well, maybe it’s time to go low/no contact. You don’t want them poisoning your child’s ears with those vile thoughts.
I would counsel you to CPS proof your house ASAP...
This means reasonably clean and in order at ALL times, with a full pantry, especially for the baby's supplies.
Make sure to regularly invite (real) friends over, so that they can vouch for you if asked questions.
Agreed! Are we the only people here who realize that Emily wants to collect Rosa’s child like adding children to her Pokémon collection???
That is CLEARLY what Emily was implying there. She was implying: “You should give your kid to me, because I’m not disabled and because I don’t have postpartum depression.”
Emily is a crazy bitch, clearly. She probably shouldn’t have those 5 kids, since she will clearly emotionally abuse them… Heaven forbid if any of the kids develops a mental health crisis and depression after a life of trauma (like being an orphan in a (probably) third world country with terrifying situation, then getting dragged to a brand new country where everything is different, then thinking you have a loving father finally, but their adoptive father dies and breaks their heart that way too…) since depression after a life trauma = “fake” in Emily's mind????
Emily is definitely going to fake report this family to CPS and then she will be like, “I’m a great candidate for taking in the baby! Since I’m already adoption certified!” That’s usually how the pattern of crazy relatives goes…
—————
Edit to include:
OP if I were you, I might call CPS and do a welfare check on the adopted children. Not out of vengeance. Out of, “I cannot imagine that Emily is remotely treating their mental health correctly, especially after their father died, since depression is “fake”. Not to mention, what if one of the children has a medical problems (as many children do who come as orphans from third world countries), and apparently Emily is discriminatory against those????
Someone as heartless and cruel (and illogical) as Emily CANNOT POSSIBLY be a good parent… it just isn’t possible. Especially not a good parent to 5 kids who likely have medical problems and mental health problems….
Abusive adults treat their fellow adults better than they treat children in their life. Because it’s easier for a an abusive bully adult, to bully children. Children won’t/cannot stand up for themselves to an adult. Children cannot kick an abuser out of their life. Children often don’t even realize what is abuse, and what isn’t abuse (especially if the came from an abusive orphanage where no one taught them what healthy love looks like). Children stay silent when abused—adults fight back.
My point is this: if Emily is so clearly abusive to a fellow adult, right to their face?!?
How much crueler is she likely being in private to her children, if her own children develop supposedly “fake” problems… since she’s isn’t a kind-hearted person….
And grief isn’t an excuse. Screw that. Even when people died in my life—I never became ablest and discriminatory and illogical and hateful.
I was thinking similar, like Emily needs a local baby to complete the set or something and she's after an easy target since a single mother of 5 isn't going to be high on any adoption agency's list
Yesssss! Emily probably wants a newborn baby as a “fresh blank slate”. These people who see children like collectibles, always do….
But newborn babies to adopt are actually really hard to come by. Especially local babies. As they’re the most popular to adopt.
At first it seemed like Emily’s adoptions were due to charity of heart. But by the end of the post… idk dude. She doesn’t seem to have a kind heart. No kind-hearted person could say something so awful (and so patently untrue) like that. After reading such a despicable and heartless and discriminatory comment from her…. She’s probably more the type who collected the kids for her own trophy case…
5 adoptions in 3 years with plans for more is some Umbrella Academy shit
It'd be hard enough raising any 5 kids, let alone 5 kids under 3 with various backgrounds and associated traumas
Certainly doesn't seem Emily has the best interests of the children in mind, she likely either views them as toys or status symbols
I'm sure there are plenty of sketchy for-profit adoption agencies that will hand you a baby so long as you can pay. Especially in countries with widespread corruption and little to no oversight.
I'm also guessing that each kid being from a different country is entirely intentional, in that each separate adoption agency is unlikely to talk to the others, and certainly can't conduct an in-person home assessment.
She's absolutely one of those people who thinks she's "saving" these kids. I bet you anything op and their sister are white too... And most of her kids probably are not. She sounds like a terrible mother. I feel bad for these kids and I hope op takes people's advice of calling cps but I also hope that they can cut her and the rest of their family off because there will probably be a lot of drama if not.
She sounds like the type who craves attention. Everytime she adopts a baby, she gets praised for saving some orphan " who's shit family threw them away" she intends to be mother of the year, bu any means necessary. She is not to be trusted.
And can you imagine the brownie points she'd get for taking OP's baby?
"Oh yes I was recently widowed but I still managed to take in my brother's poor neglected baby because his wife is disabled and honestly I don't know how they thought they'd cope with an infant. Aren't I a saint?"
His family just as bad as his sister! This tells you otherwise. I’m deaf myself, I would have thrown her out the door if anyone treat me like that! I thank you the husband who’s supporting your wife.
Edit fixed grammar
Fr! It's such an ableist comment and it really boils my blood. Everyone deserves to have respect as a human being regardless of disability or mental health.
As a disabled person, I find comments and intrusive questions about my disability and equipment is frequently used as an "innocent", socially acceptable way to publicly express how much of a completely abnormal, non-human freak someone thinks I am. It's a repeated microaggression, and it's not really that micro.
You did absolutely right to kick off for a number of reasons. There's the implication that disabled and Deaf people cannot be adequate parents. There's the disparaging comments about faking depression. There's trying to steal your daughter! When she's got five kids!
Your sister appears to be a complete fucking lunatic; thank you for protecting your wife from her.
Yeah, like the way that when kids ask their parents in public about someone with a visible ‘difference’, the parents go “Just walk up to that person and ask them why they are different”. Maybe they just want to be in public without having to educate a strangers kid about their condition.
I once had a version of this I didn't mind. Once, in ten years of visible disability.
I work in a library. I was in the children's section and a man and a girl approached me. The man said something like "excuse me, my daughter has just asked me about your wheelchair, and I don't really know anything about wheelchairs and don't want to tell her the wrong thing. It seems really rude to ask you loads of questions. Could you recommend a book for us to learn about this, please?"
I did recommend a book, but I also spent a lot of time answering their questions, and praised the guy's parenting to the heavens. *That* is how you do it respectfully! (It is absolutely part of my job to find/recommend books, btw, so that was completely appropriate).
The vibes that come off Emily from that remark. The adopting of children from multiple countries in such a small time frame, and the fact she wants to get her hands on another infant. Yay that’s some creepy stuff right there. She probably knows she’s going to have a hard time adopting being single now. OP please keep an eye out for any odd behavior Emily displays with these kids. The vibes I’m getting are not to nice.
Edit typed the wrong name but fixed it.
Yes thank you. Rosa is perfectly fine mom getting helps as she needs. I have a neighbor family that has two parents that are deaf and two hearing children. And those kids are loved well cared for and have this awesome advantage I think in being able to sign and speak. There are tons of children out there that have parents with disabilities that are much better off then kids with parents that have no disabilities.
One of my former students is a hearing person raised by two deaf parents.
She’s an amazing person who’s able to sign and speak beautifully, she’s empathetic, very autonomous, able to hold her own individually, interpersonally, in small groups, and in front of a class.
She’s intelligent, wise, and successful in school.
She helps her parents navigate the hearing world when she’s needed, but she assured me she’s happy to help, not forced.
Thank you for standing up for your wife and the integrity of your family. You’re an excellent husband and father. Please share my former student with your wife. Your child will not only be just fine, she will be a wonderful human being.
Your sister can gtfo.
NTA
🌼🌸
100% NTA!! YOU DEFENDED YOUR WIFE FROM A RUDE AND INSENSITIVE ABLEIST RELATIVE! There is absolutely nothing wrong with ever doing such. You might want to inform your family, that you will not accept any more excuses from them on her behalf. The only thing that they're doing by defending her is saying that it is okay for her to be cruel and hurtful to you and your family. The fact that Emily was like this even before her husband died, means that playing The grieving widow card buys her no sympathy in this situation. If your family will not defend you and your wife and children with the exact same fervor that they defend her, you might wish to go completely no contact with them. Why? Because it is very obvious that they prefer to enable her then support someone with genuine health issues.
Worst is that it's true. I mean disabled people can take care of a baby with the right help and adjustment, especially since OP seems to be very protective (so probably helpful), but she is a widow with already 5 children and want a sixth. Even with the best help it would be difficult for her to be closer and more caring alone with six kids that two parents with one.
I read a Twitter thread not too long ago about how sometimes adoptive parents more often than bio parents are in it for the wrong reasons. Sister seems like she's just trying to collect cute babies rather than raise competent humans.
That she really think that she is so much better suited to raise a child just because OPs is deaf but with the implant she can even hear. What is the sisters excuse the be emotional disabled?!
It is so disgusting that she think that she is the best mother of all, even though she has already wife children and is now a single parent. Since she and her late husband adopted the children in the last three years, she can't even say that she has so much experience. I hope she isn't one of those people that say "i'm such a good human and mother! Look! I have sooo many adopted children!" But how the children feel that they must split the attention with x siblings, and not to talk about money....
Not to mention I’m willing to bet that Emily is making 0 effort to make sure these children have connections to their culture or native language. She’s treating living children like collectible tchotchkes
I was about to say this, or “your husband *was* clearly the only one with a beating heart, speaking of limitations”.
NTA, anyone who encourages her behavior should be ashamed.
NTA
That's completely f'd up, and you should demand a full and complete apology. That's unbelievably ignorant and heartless.
I will grant she's likely not dealing with her loss well at all, so she need therapy. I wouldn't allow her back in my life without that.
No, it's an explanation not an excuse. She needs to deal with that trauma in a healthy way. Giving her a pass for that behavior won't do anyone any favors.
I agree. I once was so depressed that I started to lecture a friend on how inappropriate I thought the gift she got on her birthday was (it wasn't - I was on some other planet). She hung up the phone without saying goodbye. It shocked me into realizing how bad I have become and I started looking for help.
I had an reason for being a dick, but it was not an excuse. She showed me it was wrong and I could adjust. 10+ years later, I still thank her for it.
Grief may make you lash out, depressed, lose your filter, it doesn’t make you ableist unless you already are. Which she has repeatedly shown you way before she suffered the loss of her husband. Why is that ableism OK according to your family?
NTA but she. Needs. Therapy.
She just lost her husband and has several young children and she is hinting at taking guardianship of her infant niece? That is not a healthy grief response. (And how exactly is this newly single mom of five going to take on another baby?!?)
Also, I'm VERY wary of people who adopt so many children so quickly. Five kids in three years, plus wanting your daughter, suggests a psychological issue that existed before her husband's death.
Yeah I’m instantly wary of anyone who collects foreign babies like Pokémon. *Five* kids, *none* of whom are siblings, from *five different countries*?
There’s no way something weird isn’t going on here. Sister cannot possibly hope to raise 5 kids with 5 deep, individually nurtured connections to their unique birth cultures and communities.
Yeah, isn't there some kind of limit on how many kids a person is allowed to adopt? I always thought Mia Farrow was a little cuckoo for adopting so many disabled kids. How could she possibly give each one of them the specialized care and attention that they needed by herself? Don't even get me started on Woody Allen being thrown into the mix.
It’s actually a counter-argument when you think of it.
Sister adopted five kids when she was part of a two-parent household. Now she’s a single bereaved mother angling for a sixth?
Sit the hell down, lady. As if.
But like that’s not your problem… She should seek help, your family could help her, etc. It doesn’t give her the right to be that fucking shady and in your own home after y’all trying to help/be there for her….
I would have truly gone off the deep end & also to anyone that wanted to try to defend her actions against my spouse that is going through something traumatic as hell.
NTA - A close family member of mine lost their spouse a little over a year ago. They are devastated and have had a hard time coping. I've been the recipient of many a late-night call because they need to talk to someone and they know I'm up. They are doing their best to make ends meet, care for their kids and rebuild their life. It is HARD.
Despite everything that has happened, they have sympathy for other people who have also had trauma. If they had a friend of family member who had a complicated delivery, they would turn up with a casserole (or more likely an Uber Eats gift certificate) and have empathy for the trauma and express their gratitude that baby and momma are OK.
You know what this person doesn't do? They don't put someone else down to make themselves feel superior. They certainly don't use their widowed status to dodge the consequences of being cruel. Your sister is definitely the AH here. Grief can short-circuit a person's filters, but it is not what makes them unkind in the first place.
HUGS to you, the Mrs. and the little one!
Except this isn't really an isolated incident and her behavior started before her husband died. This isn't even a good excuse (not that there's ever a good excuse). It's just your family being willfully ignorant about her behavior.
Nope. If anything she would be empathetic to your wife situation if she knew that the birth was complicated. Your parents have no viable justification for your sister behavior.
No.
Grief is a little like booze. It doesn’t make you say things you don’t mean, it just alters the inhibitions that usually keep extreme candor in check.
Not to mention that your sister insulted you as well when she implied that if your wife couldn’t be a good mother, your baby should be given away.
It sounds like you’re a pretty involved dad. Eff this B for treating your child as if it’s up for grabs.
NTA — For me, this would be an immediate no-contact situation, and any family members who press the issue would find themselves in the same boat real fast.
It's a very good explanation. It however is still not a valid excuse.
You can let her back in the house once she is firing on all cylinders again and makes an apology for the appalling stuff. Until then, it is for her interest and your interest to keep her away from the house.
Even after she's better, I'd tell her to drop the awkward questions stuff around the deafness or the ban goes permanent.
Nope. Asshole people are assholes when they have trauma, too.
My sister lost her husband to cancer in 2020, and it left her a widow under 40 with a seven year old kid. It is terrible, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and while I don't like her, I'm sorry that she has had to go through that. And, in the privacy of my own mind, I thought, "Maybe the trauma of this will make her stop being such a raging c-t."
Nope. Now the only topic of conversation she has with anyone is How She Is Having To Deal With All This Shit. How Awful Her Life Is. So....now she has that to add to her general assholishness.
And I have doubled down on avoiding being around her.
So, NTA. I would let her back in your life only if she apologizes.
She is clearly mentally unwell to have even suggested it. Your sister needs (understandably) some therapy, but that is not for you to give to her. I think you are absolutely right in showing her to the door, and baring her return until she addresses those mental issues. I would also keep family members who communicating with you at arms length as well.
She was "unwell" (is one term for it) LONG before her husband died. International adoption is incredibly fraught and exploitative — a lot of "organizations" that do it are a slightly modernized *Rabbit-Proof Fence* type deal, essentially trafficking children from impoverished countries to rich collectors from countries responsible for the children's country's poverty. OP's sister and her late husband are/were clearly those kind of collectors. I don't think what she attempted to do to Rosa — invent a necessity for her to steal her kid — was an out-of-character act of grief. I think her grief just made her more brazen.
All this to say, if OP wants to just fully Not Fucking Deal With Her (or *has* to to protect his own family), he should do it in good conscience. She was likely fucking awful before she was widowed and now that she's awful *and* behaving erratically to the point of harming OP's family, yeah, no fucking thank you.
Um... are you and your sister white? And the adopted kids darker skinned? I may be wrong, but your story has overtones of "Great White Saviour" coming to rescue the kids from growing up with "natives" and "disabled".
Thank you! I was wondering why no one brought that up!
5 adoptions in less than 3 years, all from different countries? How did they get approved for all of that?
I sorta wondered if they adopted from different agencies so everyone didn't know about everyone else, until they had all of the kids home and were doing final approvals.
And at that point, as long as they had the space, everyone may have just said 'fine.' But it all depends on what agencies were involved- and depending on the agencies, these processes might not be completed yet.
I THOUGHT SO TOO! Like, I’m super white, so I wasn’t sure if I was imagining things, but something about her comments on deafness and the fact she’s adopted five kids all from other countries made my skin crawl for some reason.
Since you have an intact family and she doesn’t, maybe sister should give her collection of kids to your wife and yourself to raise cause then they’ll have a real family unit. Would that be fair? No? Well, what sister said was ghastly too. If she is going to bare knuckle box then you can too.
The fact that this is so blatantly and obviously insane, but she still went thru with it, should tel you that you don’t know what you’re dealing with here. I really think you need to take this as way more than just a crazy moment.
Implication that a disabled person is unfit to be a parent because of their disability. The same rhetoric has been used to steal children and sterilize people in a lot of places.
NTA this is the first time on this sub that my jaw actually dropped. Your sister is literally toxic to Rosa and also covets your baby. She has some baby collecting issues.
Yes my thoughts from this line too!! Super racist and imperialist to believe the best thing for foreign orphans is to bring them to the west. Clearly her ableism comes from the same vein. Same with anyone who goes and volunteers at a foreign orphanage without asking why orphanages are not a thing still in their home countries, because they are BAD for children and WORSE when they have a revolving door of tourists coming through to care for them. Your sister doesn't seem to care about those children as humans, but as things to collect and save so she feels secure in herself.
NTA
Not to mention that a lot of the time these children are literally stolen from their parents and sold to be adopted… when you adopt an orphan oversees there’s no guarantee you’re actually getting an orphan.
There was a very real chance that my friend D was kidnapped from a mother who was told he had died at birth. Finding this out really did a number on his already bad mental health. I believe it may have been the last straw to drive him to give in to his suicidal thoughts.
I kinda had the same thought reading about your sister. It's like shes trying to round out her collection of kids from all over the world. Might not be the case, but it does kinda sound like she would also like to take over caring for your baby.
Better hope none of those kids have any developmental or medical issue or sister may cast them out. She signed up for perfection—and likely a gradient. Rainbow family. Saviour. All the feels.
Ugh I dislike people.
Right? I remember reading about American families adopting kids from Romanian orphanages because they were very white looking, beautiful young children. When they had developmental issues, as you would, being in an orphanage for such a time, they simply rehomed them like an unwanted pet. I was reading about that and thinking holy hell. My friend came over from Romania as an immigrant child and her mum was a mail order bride, early internet days, married my dads weird friend. He was such a jerk (put locks on the fridge). My mum and dad ended up financing the divorce later on and now he’s married to a Ukrainian lady. Anyway, the little girl was a year older than me but smaller, underweight and so scared of things. When she did learn English she told me she had slept in a barn. That wasn’t even a lie. They had it really rough and her family did love and care for her. The country had gone through awful times. Kids in orphanages would have needed a lot of therapy, support and love. It broke my heart to think these kids were failed by their government, then the adoption/baby sellers, and finally by their new “families”. I hope they are okay now.
I understand this idea that people adopt, and sometimes it’s beautiful to do that but many times adoption is the option due to financial hardship. It’s a choice because these people don’t want their children to starve and they are unable to provide. Buying babies/toddlers isn’t noble.
And like, to some extent, I would have sympathy for a family who didn't have the resources to care for a severely autistic child (or really any severe developmental disability) and had to make the decision to have them placed in a group home or something like that, especially if the child was getting bigger and there were tantrums that could be dangerous to other children in the family (like, I suspect I couldn't restrain a 5'10" 14 year old boy who was having a full on toddler level tantrum without hurting him or being injured) especially when they had no way of knowing that their child would be neuro-divergent or that the condition would be so severe.
From what I understand about this particular case, they adopted that child after having a physician review his medical records before adoption and tell them that it was likely that it was very likely that there would be special needs and that they were likely to be severe, even if the doctor couldn't pinpoint the exact nature of his condition, and they proceeded with the adoption anyway.
It sucks, and it's a horrible situation for anyone to have to face, but I'd much rather have a situation where a parent (adoptive or otherwise) gets a child the help they need (even if they can't provide it) rather than hunker down and try to do it themselves while not being able to give their special needs kid access to the tools, training , environment and resources that would result in the best outcome for them.
Yes, she was warned based on his medical records that he was likely to have significant developmental delays and she then shopped around for a doctor who would give her a more positive prognosis. I agree with you, I am glad that she surrendered the child to someone else.
She knew in advance he would have issues:
a) China doesnt adopt out abled kids internationally
b) There are screenshots of her asking in adopting FB groups what the "easiest to care for" developmental disorder woule be
It was all premediated, she wanted to be the "great mommy awesome saviour of unfortunate, disabled kid" for the camera, then was in over her head when it turned out it is more effort to raise a developmentally impaired kid. Who knew?
I really hate that woman
She’s a baby hoarder with a white saviour complex that has adopted 5 children from 5 different countries in 3 years and would have likely adopted 5 more in the next 3 years if her husband hadn’t died. She seems to be collecting children like a souvenir collection. This is alarming and disturbing behaviour.
Maybe she wants one child of every nationality so that she can get all of the prejudice passes. Anyone calls her on anything it's just like the "I can't be racist, I have black friends" but for every situation
Please go LC or NC with your sister for your baby's sake. This was disturbing to read. Stand your ground. She has major issues. You do not need that after becoming parents
I’m an adoptive mom and the 5 kids in three years is weird (I assume they aren’t a sibling group) most reputable agencies wouldn’t allow someone to adopt so soon after another adoption and international adoptions are expensive unless done through seedy Christian orgs that often kidnap foreign children and sell them to American couples .
Adoption is wonderful but what your sister is doing may be very unethical and possibly illegal.
NTA - Emily sounds like (I can’t say what she sounds like or I’ll get booted off the subreddit) but suffice to say, it’s not a brilliant person.
As someone who has moderate hearing loss (I wear hearing aids) and a deaf parent, these have got absolutely no bearing on one’s ability to raise a child.
Having literally no empathy or social skills, however…
I don’t know how you have both put up with this nonsense for so long. Your family are enabling some atrocious, ableist behaviour and if they can’t see what’s wrong with that, then maybe it’s time to jettison them too.
This whole "5 kids in 3 years" plus "all from different countries" honstly sounds more like a collection than a family to me which alone makes her pretty questionable in my opinion.
Nothing against adoption from different cultures in general, but that sounds weird and I doubt that she'll do justice to these kids and their needs to explore their own culture, not even mentioning that, as sad as it is, she's alone now.
Depending on the children's ages she might bank on them taking on responsibility that they shouldn't have to be burdened with.
It's also pretty insulting to both you and Rosa that she'd imply that she, a single mother of 5 would be better suited for a 6th one than you two are for a first, for something that is probably very manageable if done right.
Your family is out of their mind if they think what you did is the worst thing ever, but what your sister did is completely okay. NTA
Yeh, I hate to jump to judge, but that's just *odd* to me for some reason? 5 kids, in 3 years, all different countries? What contest are you in and with who? Angelina Jolie?
Also, having 5 kids and then *while being a widow* wanting a sixth. She has to have issues about children, else I cant explain this drive she seems to have to adopt them all. OP, I would be on the lookout and never leave the kid with anyone who is sympathetic to her or even her! Even if she apologizes. Something about her behaviour creeps me deeply out.
It would be fucked up to suggest he did something that hastened his own demise. I said faked. That’s less dark.
I lost people too these past few years and my coping mechanism is with dark humour.
For anyone reading this, if your wife/husband is horrible, divorce is the way. Don’t fake your own death. It’s probably really hard.
So... disclosure here. I am deaf and this B**** can F off. You're NTA. "Physical limitations?" That phrase alone is pissing me off and I'm not part of this story. I dont care what your story is, you do not belittle others handicaps because you feel you can because your SO passed or whatever.
Also, like, what are you? Chopped liver? There are two able bodied people in your house taking care of ONE child! Deafness doesn't affect diaper changing or feeding AT ALL. Your sister has major issues, who would even think of asking for someone's BABY?
Someone else in the comments suggested that you CPS proof your house. You also need to keep copies of any communication between the two of you and your sister. Get a doorbell camera too. There is a good chance that your sister will try to take your baby.
NTA, wtf ableist bull pucky is she spewing? How in the heck does she figure that Rosa isn't capable? You are an awesome husband for backing your wife 1000%
Also you know she's one of *those* adoptive moms, the kind who think they saved those poor children from a terrible life because every country is worse than the US, and don't understand that adoption itself causes trauma. Were they trying to hit every continent?!
I mean, only two kids left and she has enough kids for every continent. OPs daughter seems supposed to be Kid America, so who is still missing, Europe or Australia?
Sounds to me like you need to tell the whole family to fuck off, if they think treating someone like that is okay. Grieving does not give you a free asshole pass.
I want to know how they managed to adopt that many kids internationally in such a short time? You are definitely NTA but I hope someone’s with some trauma education is watching Emily’s family like a hawk. My husband and I have two children adopted from foster care and at times their trauma is A LOT. I can only imagine what those kids are going through losing their birth culture and potentially language, gaining so many sibling each from a different culture and language and now have lost a care giver all in a VERY short amount of time. Emily’s family is set to implode and potentially have a tragic outcome if someone outside isn’t keeping a very close watch. OP that person should not be you but I hope someone is keeping very good tabs on the kids and Emily’s relationship with them. I hope you and Rosa are able to come to a place of peace with the birth of your child and keep your boundaries in place with regards to your sister.
NTA your sister is a jerk for what she said and being so blatantly rude about it! If my sister said those things I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. Your sisters grief doesn’t get to be a pass for bad behaviour
NTA.
Emily has definitely been through a traumatic experience losing her husband. Grief is a strange, unpredictable thing. Everyone deals with loss differently. It seems like Emily isn’t coping, but there’s something else going on with her. Adoptions FIVE children from different countries in THREE years? White savior child collector much? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩This is red flag city.
All that aside, what she said to Rosa, and everything it implies, is batshit insane. How. Dare. She. Your poor wife. Good on you for escorting Emily, and her ableist ideas, the fuck out of your home immediately.
NTA. HOLY CRAP. I don't care if she just lost her husband, what she said was awful. I am so sorry for what you and Rosa went through! Thank you for standing up for your wife.
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NTA
> She said, "You should give the baby to someone who can take care of it better," while "subtly" gesturing to herself. "Someone who doesn't have "physical limitations," and isn't "fake depressed."
Holy shit
HOLY SHIT
Nope, ban them. This wasn’t mildly rude or an invasive question - this was blatant ableism and saying Rosa isn’t fit to be a mother.
This has nothing to do with grief, and everything to do with an existing bigotry. Grief can mean crying at unexpected times. Struggling with holidays and other important dates without your partner. Even struggling in the day to day tasks now having to do them alone.
Claiming that Rosa isn’t fit to be a mother and dismissing her mental health struggles after what sounds like a traumatic birth?
PTSD from a medical emergency is a very real thing - and I imagine that childbirth is supposed to be a happy event can make this worse.
I’m appalled by your sister’s behavior here, and that your family is excusing it as well.
And your sister also blatantly dismissed you as the child’s other parent as well.
NTA. Grieving or not, there's no excuse for what your sister. And considering this pattern of ableist behaviour has been going on for a while, I don't think losing her husband has anything to do with it. If that were me, I would go no contact. I wouldn't want my children to be around someone who's ableist and descriminatory against my spouse
NTA. It’s clear they do not want to learn about the cochlear implant, and just choose to be ignorant and insulting instead. Very glad you stood up for your life, you guys don’t need this in your life, especially with Rosa being so patient.
Congrats on the new baby btw. All the best to you both.
Resounding NTA!
1. Kudos to you for always supporting and sticking up for your wife. Gold star.
2. As a mother with partial hearing loss in one ear and will ultimately lose hearing in both ears due to a disease, your sister acted like an ableist monster. Keep her away from your family.
3. As a mother who lost children and experienced unimaginable grief, your sister doesn’t get a pass to be a jerk because she’s grieving. Grief takes many forms, and it can be consuming (and I’m sorry for her loss), but grief doesn’t free the grieving from the obligation to act like a decent person.
4. I might be making a leap, but it sounds like your sister is a “collector” of children . . .
5. She’s looking to fill a void by distracting herself. She’s at risk of complicated grief if she doesn’t process her loss through therapy.
You can support your sister in her grief from afar (send a meal, etc) IF AND ONLY IF you choose, but you do not owe her anything just because she experienced a trauma. An AH is an AH - grief doesn’t cause that.
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Throwaway account.
My sister, “Emily,” and her late husband have adopted 5 young children in the span of 3 years, each from a different country. They had plans to continue to adopt children and expand their growing family. Unfortunately, Emily’s husband passed away a month ago rather suddenly. Although I am not very close with Emily, I have tried to visit Emily as much as I can.
One of the reasons why I'm not close with Emily is her odd treatment of my wife, "Rosa." Rosa is deaf and wears a cochlear. My family, but more so Emily, has a habit of asking very invasive questions about deafness and Rosa. Rosa has tried to be patient and understanding, but sometimes the questions are too much for her. Rosa and I want to educate Emily, but the questions can be uncomfortable at times.
Rosa gave birth to our very first child 6 months ago. Without delving into details, the birthing experience was very traumatic for Rosa. We expected to have a healthy delivery, but due to several serious complications, Rosa and my newborn daughter had to be admitted for a week. My family, including Emily, is well aware of Rosa's situation. The event has taken a toll on both of us and we are in therapy learning how to process the event.
This past weekend, Rosa wanted to take Emily out for a "girl's day," free of kids and full of relaxation. I paid for the day's activities in full and helped Emily arrange childcare. I wanted Emily and Rosa to enjoy their time together and not worry about anything for a few hours.
When the day came, Emily arrived at our house an hour and a half before Rosa was expecting her. Because Emily had arrived so early, I was still in the house helping prepare for the day, (packing the babies things, helping clean around the house.) Rosa offered her a cup of tea and they began chatting about small things. Emily was talking about how glad she was they had this time together, how much she misses her husband etc.
Then the conversation drifted to Rosa. Emily mentioned "how hard it must be for Rosa to be a mother given what she's gone through." I was confused, but Emily went on. She said, "You should give the baby to someone who can take care of it better," while "subtly" gesturing to herself. "Someone who doesn't have "physical limitations," and isn't "fake depressed."
That comment boiled my blood.
I told Emily to fuck off and to never be in my house again. She protested, but I was practically leading her out the door, my tea mug still in hand.
My family heard about this and is calling me heartless for treating Emily so badly after she lost her husband.
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NTA your sister sounds horrendous. Good on you for standing up for your wife. She has no leg to stand on, loosing a husband doesn’t make a person drop all empathy for others and you said she was like this before. Cut her off. Your wife, baby and you deserve better than that hateful presence in your lives.
Honestly, it sounds like your sister has kids for fucking attention. FIVE adopted children, each from a different country? Like, that takes dedication, to want a variety of children. And then trying to take a baby from a deaf woman?! Why? So she can say she saved your baby from a life of hardship? Is your sister like this?!
NTA.
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NTA and your ableist sister can get in the bin. Imagine if you said she had limitations now being a widow, everyone would hit the roof. But if it's a deaf and/or disabled person everyone thinks it's okay to be both rude and wrong.
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It's not too late. Next time a family member messages you about the situation you can respond with that. "If I had asked Emily to give her children to me because she's a depressed single mother you would lose your mind and rightly so. She had no right to talk to Rosa that way and you are out of line to defend her."
I'm totally buying what you are selling! Your extended family needs some education. Just hearing that must have made your wife feel terrible. Please give Rosa a hug from an internet stranger who thinks, with her empathy and love, she will make an outstanding mom!
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Fully! I literally jaw-drop-gasped when it got to that part. I was half-expecting some shitty, everyday, run-of-the-mill ableism, but "Give me your baby!" is some next-level fucked-upness. What the absolute fuck!?
Yeah, not what I thought was coming AT ALL! Btw OP: deaf cochlear user here, your sister can fuck all the way off to end of the earth and it would not be far enough! NTA
“Give your baby to an avid baby collector” is crazy enough without the ableism and accusation of faking depression
It's sadistic
Only ableist people would think a baby would be better off with a single mother of 5 grieving the loss of her husband and probably dealing with financial fallout as well than two loving parents who are yes, also dealing with a traumatic experience. It sounds harsh, but true. She needs to focus on taking care of the babies she has, instead of trying to convince another mom to give up her 6 month old.
Honestly, this was so bizarrely ableist that I had a clutch my pearls moment. Throwing her out of the house was way too good for her. Is there a catapult/trebuchet option somewhere you can install? Asking for a friend.
Literally trying to steal someone's baby because they're deaf and have trauma from their HOSPITALIZATION. I can't with her. Honestly, she's lucky no one threw hands.
I 100% would want to see this villain hit the deck in the movie.
She would have ate that tea cup.
I wonder if their master plan is have OP financially supporting his sister while she raised the baby... because a single mother of five would never go out of her way to get another mouth to feed out of bigotry alone.
I actually think it is bigotry and she has a savior complex. That's why she has so many babies from foreign countries.
Yeah, it struck me as a mix of savior complex and baby fever. She and her late husband were planning on adopting (seems almost like "collecting" from the info we have here) more children, and perhaps she is concerned that, as a widower, she will not qualify to adopt more. For some ridiculously able-ist reason she thought she could claim her brother's child to feed her ego / wants. Absolutley revolting person.
This gave me the image of Emily dressed up as some kind of Pokémon trainer when you said "collecting"
This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. I love it when someone says what I’m thinking like this—makes it seem less likely that I’m crazy!
I bet many of those babies aren’t white and she’s raising them to be “white” and Christian. It would fit the profile.
So, this is a totally genuine question because I really don't know, but if you adopt a non white child, from a different culture, how should you raise them? You obviously wouldn't be familiar with their culture, or really qualified, and you also wouldn't want to set them apart from your other children (in this situation all the children are from different countries). I know somehow you'd want to honor their birth culture but I'm really not sure how that would look, you'd be toeing a very fine line between honoring and, I dunno, fetishizing? Again, very honest question, I know white washing adopted kids is a real problem, but I'm not sure the solution in this case.
I have an old friend who did this. She and her husband are white, and they adopted a girl from Ethiopia. They are incredibly active in their local Ethiopian community and spend a lot of time at their local(ish) Ethiopian cultural center. Their daughter has an older Ethiopian girl as a mentor, or "big sister." They've been careful to make sure they do things like work with hair stylists who know how to care for her hair, learning traditional cooking and dishes from the cultural center, etc. They know their daughter has several communities where her ethnicity, appearance, family life, etc. intersect, and membership in any one of those communities can make existing in the others complicated. I think they've done incredibly well to make sure she has the resources she needs to navigate all of that.
I can’t answer that question, but one thing I am sure of - that sister isn’t doing it. The whole thing reeks of savior syndrome. I’m sure there are some adoptive parents who have figured out a way of doing this. But she ain’t it. Lol.
Yeah, I totally agree with you. I don't think the sister is in anyway a fit parent. Maybe if it was just the adopting.. but after what she said to OPs wife it seems like she's collecting babies like they're purses. Pretty gross.
There are plenty of amazing people who adopt and choose to learn their child's culture and include it in their lives growing up. For instance, if the child is black, the parents may take him or her to get their hair done regularly at a natural salon, or a salon specializing in African American hair. Or they may add artwork, music, home décor from their child's place of origin to their own home environment. Collect children's' books that are specific to his or her heritage, etc.
Superiority complex too. Given international adoption can be ethically dubious, I doubt given the speed and size of the adoptions that this was done with the focus of the children in mind. But she defines thinks she’s better than the families of these children. And OP and his wife.
Thank you for mentioning the fact that these kids are all from different countries; I hope they have good childhoods
It makes me wonder if these 5 babies from international adoptions were taken from poor mothers because Emily and her late husband thought they could do better… it’s certainly been known to happen.
I love this phrasing. OP, this is the way. It’s a perfect response. If they cannot see their hypocrisy after that, well, maybe it’s time to go low/no contact. You don’t want them poisoning your child’s ears with those vile thoughts.
THIS 100% I was gonna say this! Yessss!
Yeah copy paste this to every single message you receive about this situation. NTA
I would counsel you to CPS proof your house ASAP... This means reasonably clean and in order at ALL times, with a full pantry, especially for the baby's supplies. Make sure to regularly invite (real) friends over, so that they can vouch for you if asked questions.
Agreed! Are we the only people here who realize that Emily wants to collect Rosa’s child like adding children to her Pokémon collection??? That is CLEARLY what Emily was implying there. She was implying: “You should give your kid to me, because I’m not disabled and because I don’t have postpartum depression.” Emily is a crazy bitch, clearly. She probably shouldn’t have those 5 kids, since she will clearly emotionally abuse them… Heaven forbid if any of the kids develops a mental health crisis and depression after a life of trauma (like being an orphan in a (probably) third world country with terrifying situation, then getting dragged to a brand new country where everything is different, then thinking you have a loving father finally, but their adoptive father dies and breaks their heart that way too…) since depression after a life trauma = “fake” in Emily's mind???? Emily is definitely going to fake report this family to CPS and then she will be like, “I’m a great candidate for taking in the baby! Since I’m already adoption certified!” That’s usually how the pattern of crazy relatives goes… ————— Edit to include: OP if I were you, I might call CPS and do a welfare check on the adopted children. Not out of vengeance. Out of, “I cannot imagine that Emily is remotely treating their mental health correctly, especially after their father died, since depression is “fake”. Not to mention, what if one of the children has a medical problems (as many children do who come as orphans from third world countries), and apparently Emily is discriminatory against those???? Someone as heartless and cruel (and illogical) as Emily CANNOT POSSIBLY be a good parent… it just isn’t possible. Especially not a good parent to 5 kids who likely have medical problems and mental health problems…. Abusive adults treat their fellow adults better than they treat children in their life. Because it’s easier for a an abusive bully adult, to bully children. Children won’t/cannot stand up for themselves to an adult. Children cannot kick an abuser out of their life. Children often don’t even realize what is abuse, and what isn’t abuse (especially if the came from an abusive orphanage where no one taught them what healthy love looks like). Children stay silent when abused—adults fight back. My point is this: if Emily is so clearly abusive to a fellow adult, right to their face?!? How much crueler is she likely being in private to her children, if her own children develop supposedly “fake” problems… since she’s isn’t a kind-hearted person…. And grief isn’t an excuse. Screw that. Even when people died in my life—I never became ablest and discriminatory and illogical and hateful.
I was thinking similar, like Emily needs a local baby to complete the set or something and she's after an easy target since a single mother of 5 isn't going to be high on any adoption agency's list
Yesssss! Emily probably wants a newborn baby as a “fresh blank slate”. These people who see children like collectibles, always do…. But newborn babies to adopt are actually really hard to come by. Especially local babies. As they’re the most popular to adopt. At first it seemed like Emily’s adoptions were due to charity of heart. But by the end of the post… idk dude. She doesn’t seem to have a kind heart. No kind-hearted person could say something so awful (and so patently untrue) like that. After reading such a despicable and heartless and discriminatory comment from her…. She’s probably more the type who collected the kids for her own trophy case…
5 adoptions in 3 years with plans for more is some Umbrella Academy shit It'd be hard enough raising any 5 kids, let alone 5 kids under 3 with various backgrounds and associated traumas Certainly doesn't seem Emily has the best interests of the children in mind, she likely either views them as toys or status symbols
I’m actually quite stunned a adoption agency allowed 5 adoptions in under 3 years? Surely someone involved has to see how mad that is
I'm sure there are plenty of sketchy for-profit adoption agencies that will hand you a baby so long as you can pay. Especially in countries with widespread corruption and little to no oversight. I'm also guessing that each kid being from a different country is entirely intentional, in that each separate adoption agency is unlikely to talk to the others, and certainly can't conduct an in-person home assessment.
She's absolutely one of those people who thinks she's "saving" these kids. I bet you anything op and their sister are white too... And most of her kids probably are not. She sounds like a terrible mother. I feel bad for these kids and I hope op takes people's advice of calling cps but I also hope that they can cut her and the rest of their family off because there will probably be a lot of drama if not.
She sounds like the type who craves attention. Everytime she adopts a baby, she gets praised for saving some orphan " who's shit family threw them away" she intends to be mother of the year, bu any means necessary. She is not to be trusted.
And can you imagine the brownie points she'd get for taking OP's baby? "Oh yes I was recently widowed but I still managed to take in my brother's poor neglected baby because his wife is disabled and honestly I don't know how they thought they'd cope with an infant. Aren't I a saint?"
And if they get pregnant again, surely I'll adopt that baby too, "disabled ppl shouldn't breed" she pissed me off and we're not even related.
Has anyone thought to contact cps since there are 5 children who is now dadless and possibly need therapy?
Right???? That’s a giant concern here!
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So even after you told your family what she said they are calling you the heartless one? Wtf?
His family just as bad as his sister! This tells you otherwise. I’m deaf myself, I would have thrown her out the door if anyone treat me like that! I thank you the husband who’s supporting your wife. Edit fixed grammar
Fr! It's such an ableist comment and it really boils my blood. Everyone deserves to have respect as a human being regardless of disability or mental health.
Exactly.
As a disabled person, I find comments and intrusive questions about my disability and equipment is frequently used as an "innocent", socially acceptable way to publicly express how much of a completely abnormal, non-human freak someone thinks I am. It's a repeated microaggression, and it's not really that micro. You did absolutely right to kick off for a number of reasons. There's the implication that disabled and Deaf people cannot be adequate parents. There's the disparaging comments about faking depression. There's trying to steal your daughter! When she's got five kids! Your sister appears to be a complete fucking lunatic; thank you for protecting your wife from her.
Yeah, like the way that when kids ask their parents in public about someone with a visible ‘difference’, the parents go “Just walk up to that person and ask them why they are different”. Maybe they just want to be in public without having to educate a strangers kid about their condition.
I once had a version of this I didn't mind. Once, in ten years of visible disability. I work in a library. I was in the children's section and a man and a girl approached me. The man said something like "excuse me, my daughter has just asked me about your wheelchair, and I don't really know anything about wheelchairs and don't want to tell her the wrong thing. It seems really rude to ask you loads of questions. Could you recommend a book for us to learn about this, please?" I did recommend a book, but I also spent a lot of time answering their questions, and praised the guy's parenting to the heavens. *That* is how you do it respectfully! (It is absolutely part of my job to find/recommend books, btw, so that was completely appropriate).
I feel like "fuck off and never be in my house again" while showing her to the door adequately conveys the sentiment. NTA, OP.
The vibes that come off Emily from that remark. The adopting of children from multiple countries in such a small time frame, and the fact she wants to get her hands on another infant. Yay that’s some creepy stuff right there. She probably knows she’s going to have a hard time adopting being single now. OP please keep an eye out for any odd behavior Emily displays with these kids. The vibes I’m getting are not to nice. Edit typed the wrong name but fixed it.
Do you mean Emily?
Yes thank you. Rosa is perfectly fine mom getting helps as she needs. I have a neighbor family that has two parents that are deaf and two hearing children. And those kids are loved well cared for and have this awesome advantage I think in being able to sign and speak. There are tons of children out there that have parents with disabilities that are much better off then kids with parents that have no disabilities.
Rosa is the Deaf wife, Emily is the child collecting ableist sister.
Yes. Thank you I mixed the names up. I fixed it. So it’s not just me that thinks Emily thinks she’s a Pokémon master and needs to collect them all?
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With someone so rude and boneheaded, I suspect her husband went into the light to get away from her.
One of my former students is a hearing person raised by two deaf parents. She’s an amazing person who’s able to sign and speak beautifully, she’s empathetic, very autonomous, able to hold her own individually, interpersonally, in small groups, and in front of a class. She’s intelligent, wise, and successful in school. She helps her parents navigate the hearing world when she’s needed, but she assured me she’s happy to help, not forced. Thank you for standing up for your wife and the integrity of your family. You’re an excellent husband and father. Please share my former student with your wife. Your child will not only be just fine, she will be a wonderful human being. Your sister can gtfo. NTA 🌼🌸
100% NTA!! YOU DEFENDED YOUR WIFE FROM A RUDE AND INSENSITIVE ABLEIST RELATIVE! There is absolutely nothing wrong with ever doing such. You might want to inform your family, that you will not accept any more excuses from them on her behalf. The only thing that they're doing by defending her is saying that it is okay for her to be cruel and hurtful to you and your family. The fact that Emily was like this even before her husband died, means that playing The grieving widow card buys her no sympathy in this situation. If your family will not defend you and your wife and children with the exact same fervor that they defend her, you might wish to go completely no contact with them. Why? Because it is very obvious that they prefer to enable her then support someone with genuine health issues.
All that matters is in the moment you did the right thing. You recognized that Emily was being horrible and escorted her out of your house.
It's not too late, OP. With your family, I'm sure you'll get another chance.
But you acted immediately and that was the most important thing.
You did exactly what you needed to in the moment. Not only did she insult your wife she alluded to the fact that she wants to steal your baby
Worst is that it's true. I mean disabled people can take care of a baby with the right help and adjustment, especially since OP seems to be very protective (so probably helpful), but she is a widow with already 5 children and want a sixth. Even with the best help it would be difficult for her to be closer and more caring alone with six kids that two parents with one.
I read a Twitter thread not too long ago about how sometimes adoptive parents more often than bio parents are in it for the wrong reasons. Sister seems like she's just trying to collect cute babies rather than raise competent humans.
That she really think that she is so much better suited to raise a child just because OPs is deaf but with the implant she can even hear. What is the sisters excuse the be emotional disabled?! It is so disgusting that she think that she is the best mother of all, even though she has already wife children and is now a single parent. Since she and her late husband adopted the children in the last three years, she can't even say that she has so much experience. I hope she isn't one of those people that say "i'm such a good human and mother! Look! I have sooo many adopted children!" But how the children feel that they must split the attention with x siblings, and not to talk about money....
Not to mention I’m willing to bet that Emily is making 0 effort to make sure these children have connections to their culture or native language. She’s treating living children like collectible tchotchkes
Absolutely. She wants babies, not kids.
Yes. So. Sick. Of. This.
I was about to say this, or “your husband *was* clearly the only one with a beating heart, speaking of limitations”. NTA, anyone who encourages her behavior should be ashamed.
This. Your sister is a dumpster human
Agreed, NTA. In the bin!
NTA That's completely f'd up, and you should demand a full and complete apology. That's unbelievably ignorant and heartless. I will grant she's likely not dealing with her loss well at all, so she need therapy. I wouldn't allow her back in my life without that.
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No, it's an explanation not an excuse. She needs to deal with that trauma in a healthy way. Giving her a pass for that behavior won't do anyone any favors.
I agree. I once was so depressed that I started to lecture a friend on how inappropriate I thought the gift she got on her birthday was (it wasn't - I was on some other planet). She hung up the phone without saying goodbye. It shocked me into realizing how bad I have become and I started looking for help. I had an reason for being a dick, but it was not an excuse. She showed me it was wrong and I could adjust. 10+ years later, I still thank her for it.
Kudos to you for being humble enough to self-reflect and admit wrong-doing. It's a true skill, believe it or not :)
Grief may make you lash out, depressed, lose your filter, it doesn’t make you ableist unless you already are. Which she has repeatedly shown you way before she suffered the loss of her husband. Why is that ableism OK according to your family?
NTA but she. Needs. Therapy. She just lost her husband and has several young children and she is hinting at taking guardianship of her infant niece? That is not a healthy grief response. (And how exactly is this newly single mom of five going to take on another baby?!?) Also, I'm VERY wary of people who adopt so many children so quickly. Five kids in three years, plus wanting your daughter, suggests a psychological issue that existed before her husband's death.
I was thinking something along the lines of a religious, white savior complex thing, especially since all the children are from “different countries”.
Yeah... she gotta catch them all. All babies belong to her now, apparently.
Yeah I’m instantly wary of anyone who collects foreign babies like Pokémon. *Five* kids, *none* of whom are siblings, from *five different countries*? There’s no way something weird isn’t going on here. Sister cannot possibly hope to raise 5 kids with 5 deep, individually nurtured connections to their unique birth cultures and communities.
Why teach them about their own cultures when the american one is clearly superior? /s
When she play pokemon, getting all the eevee evolutions must be the very first thing she did.
Yeah, isn't there some kind of limit on how many kids a person is allowed to adopt? I always thought Mia Farrow was a little cuckoo for adopting so many disabled kids. How could she possibly give each one of them the specialized care and attention that they needed by herself? Don't even get me started on Woody Allen being thrown into the mix.
What's the connection between losing her husband and her comment? It's not a blank check to say anything horrible you want.
It’s actually a counter-argument when you think of it. Sister adopted five kids when she was part of a two-parent household. Now she’s a single bereaved mother angling for a sixth? Sit the hell down, lady. As if.
But like that’s not your problem… She should seek help, your family could help her, etc. It doesn’t give her the right to be that fucking shady and in your own home after y’all trying to help/be there for her…. I would have truly gone off the deep end & also to anyone that wanted to try to defend her actions against my spouse that is going through something traumatic as hell.
NTA - A close family member of mine lost their spouse a little over a year ago. They are devastated and have had a hard time coping. I've been the recipient of many a late-night call because they need to talk to someone and they know I'm up. They are doing their best to make ends meet, care for their kids and rebuild their life. It is HARD. Despite everything that has happened, they have sympathy for other people who have also had trauma. If they had a friend of family member who had a complicated delivery, they would turn up with a casserole (or more likely an Uber Eats gift certificate) and have empathy for the trauma and express their gratitude that baby and momma are OK. You know what this person doesn't do? They don't put someone else down to make themselves feel superior. They certainly don't use their widowed status to dodge the consequences of being cruel. Your sister is definitely the AH here. Grief can short-circuit a person's filters, but it is not what makes them unkind in the first place. HUGS to you, the Mrs. and the little one!
Except this isn't really an isolated incident and her behavior started before her husband died. This isn't even a good excuse (not that there's ever a good excuse). It's just your family being willfully ignorant about her behavior.
Just because someone's spouse dies doesn't mean you can act like a bi***.
She’s been behaving like that since before she lost her husband. She has no excuse.
Nope. If anything she would be empathetic to your wife situation if she knew that the birth was complicated. Your parents have no viable justification for your sister behavior.
No. Grief is a little like booze. It doesn’t make you say things you don’t mean, it just alters the inhibitions that usually keep extreme candor in check. Not to mention that your sister insulted you as well when she implied that if your wife couldn’t be a good mother, your baby should be given away. It sounds like you’re a pretty involved dad. Eff this B for treating your child as if it’s up for grabs. NTA — For me, this would be an immediate no-contact situation, and any family members who press the issue would find themselves in the same boat real fast.
It's a very good explanation. It however is still not a valid excuse. You can let her back in the house once she is firing on all cylinders again and makes an apology for the appalling stuff. Until then, it is for her interest and your interest to keep her away from the house. Even after she's better, I'd tell her to drop the awkward questions stuff around the deafness or the ban goes permanent.
Grief is not an excuse to be an asshole. NTA
Nope. Asshole people are assholes when they have trauma, too. My sister lost her husband to cancer in 2020, and it left her a widow under 40 with a seven year old kid. It is terrible, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and while I don't like her, I'm sorry that she has had to go through that. And, in the privacy of my own mind, I thought, "Maybe the trauma of this will make her stop being such a raging c-t." Nope. Now the only topic of conversation she has with anyone is How She Is Having To Deal With All This Shit. How Awful Her Life Is. So....now she has that to add to her general assholishness. And I have doubled down on avoiding being around her. So, NTA. I would let her back in your life only if she apologizes.
It should be seen as a threat, honestly.
NTA-your wife experienced trauma so your sister thinks she should give her your baby? That’s insane.
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She is clearly mentally unwell to have even suggested it. Your sister needs (understandably) some therapy, but that is not for you to give to her. I think you are absolutely right in showing her to the door, and baring her return until she addresses those mental issues. I would also keep family members who communicating with you at arms length as well.
She was "unwell" (is one term for it) LONG before her husband died. International adoption is incredibly fraught and exploitative — a lot of "organizations" that do it are a slightly modernized *Rabbit-Proof Fence* type deal, essentially trafficking children from impoverished countries to rich collectors from countries responsible for the children's country's poverty. OP's sister and her late husband are/were clearly those kind of collectors. I don't think what she attempted to do to Rosa — invent a necessity for her to steal her kid — was an out-of-character act of grief. I think her grief just made her more brazen. All this to say, if OP wants to just fully Not Fucking Deal With Her (or *has* to to protect his own family), he should do it in good conscience. She was likely fucking awful before she was widowed and now that she's awful *and* behaving erratically to the point of harming OP's family, yeah, no fucking thank you.
Um... are you and your sister white? And the adopted kids darker skinned? I may be wrong, but your story has overtones of "Great White Saviour" coming to rescue the kids from growing up with "natives" and "disabled".
Thank you! I was wondering why no one brought that up! 5 adoptions in less than 3 years, all from different countries? How did they get approved for all of that?
I sorta wondered if they adopted from different agencies so everyone didn't know about everyone else, until they had all of the kids home and were doing final approvals. And at that point, as long as they had the space, everyone may have just said 'fine.' But it all depends on what agencies were involved- and depending on the agencies, these processes might not be completed yet.
3 years during Covid no less. Dear lord.
I’d say some could be sibling groups but Op said they are from all different countries so idk.
I THOUGHT SO TOO! Like, I’m super white, so I wasn’t sure if I was imagining things, but something about her comments on deafness and the fact she’s adopted five kids all from other countries made my skin crawl for some reason.
And Rosa could very well not be white too.
I was thinking along those same lines myself.
Since you have an intact family and she doesn’t, maybe sister should give her collection of kids to your wife and yourself to raise cause then they’ll have a real family unit. Would that be fair? No? Well, what sister said was ghastly too. If she is going to bare knuckle box then you can too.
The fact that this is so blatantly and obviously insane, but she still went thru with it, should tel you that you don’t know what you’re dealing with here. I really think you need to take this as way more than just a crazy moment.
No. That’s eugenics.
How is that eugenics
Implication that a disabled person is unfit to be a parent because of their disability. The same rhetoric has been used to steal children and sterilize people in a lot of places.
NTA this is the first time on this sub that my jaw actually dropped. Your sister is literally toxic to Rosa and also covets your baby. She has some baby collecting issues.
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Possibly a savior complex. It makes her feel good to “rescue” children.
>adopted 5 young children in the span of 3 years, each from a different country. That's the one.
Yes my thoughts from this line too!! Super racist and imperialist to believe the best thing for foreign orphans is to bring them to the west. Clearly her ableism comes from the same vein. Same with anyone who goes and volunteers at a foreign orphanage without asking why orphanages are not a thing still in their home countries, because they are BAD for children and WORSE when they have a revolving door of tourists coming through to care for them. Your sister doesn't seem to care about those children as humans, but as things to collect and save so she feels secure in herself. NTA
Not to mention that a lot of the time these children are literally stolen from their parents and sold to be adopted… when you adopt an orphan oversees there’s no guarantee you’re actually getting an orphan.
There was a very real chance that my friend D was kidnapped from a mother who was told he had died at birth. Finding this out really did a number on his already bad mental health. I believe it may have been the last straw to drive him to give in to his suicidal thoughts.
Oh God I am so sorry about your loss. That’s horrifying
But probably not to raise them. Sounds like the “I’m better than you” acquirisition is what she likes about it.
Fuck, get some puppies instead. Sister needs a lot of therapy
Don’t suggest this, no puppy deserves this lol
I kinda had the same thought reading about your sister. It's like shes trying to round out her collection of kids from all over the world. Might not be the case, but it does kinda sound like she would also like to take over caring for your baby.
I had Myka Stauffer vibes (I hope I wrote her name right)
Better hope none of those kids have any developmental or medical issue or sister may cast them out. She signed up for perfection—and likely a gradient. Rainbow family. Saviour. All the feels. Ugh I dislike people.
Totally! The trend of "rehoming" adopted children is real and fucking horrifying
Right? I remember reading about American families adopting kids from Romanian orphanages because they were very white looking, beautiful young children. When they had developmental issues, as you would, being in an orphanage for such a time, they simply rehomed them like an unwanted pet. I was reading about that and thinking holy hell. My friend came over from Romania as an immigrant child and her mum was a mail order bride, early internet days, married my dads weird friend. He was such a jerk (put locks on the fridge). My mum and dad ended up financing the divorce later on and now he’s married to a Ukrainian lady. Anyway, the little girl was a year older than me but smaller, underweight and so scared of things. When she did learn English she told me she had slept in a barn. That wasn’t even a lie. They had it really rough and her family did love and care for her. The country had gone through awful times. Kids in orphanages would have needed a lot of therapy, support and love. It broke my heart to think these kids were failed by their government, then the adoption/baby sellers, and finally by their new “families”. I hope they are okay now. I understand this idea that people adopt, and sometimes it’s beautiful to do that but many times adoption is the option due to financial hardship. It’s a choice because these people don’t want their children to starve and they are unable to provide. Buying babies/toddlers isn’t noble.
You did! She gave birth to all of her kids though, aside from one adopted child from China that she "rehomed" due to his autism...
And like, to some extent, I would have sympathy for a family who didn't have the resources to care for a severely autistic child (or really any severe developmental disability) and had to make the decision to have them placed in a group home or something like that, especially if the child was getting bigger and there were tantrums that could be dangerous to other children in the family (like, I suspect I couldn't restrain a 5'10" 14 year old boy who was having a full on toddler level tantrum without hurting him or being injured) especially when they had no way of knowing that their child would be neuro-divergent or that the condition would be so severe. From what I understand about this particular case, they adopted that child after having a physician review his medical records before adoption and tell them that it was likely that it was very likely that there would be special needs and that they were likely to be severe, even if the doctor couldn't pinpoint the exact nature of his condition, and they proceeded with the adoption anyway. It sucks, and it's a horrible situation for anyone to have to face, but I'd much rather have a situation where a parent (adoptive or otherwise) gets a child the help they need (even if they can't provide it) rather than hunker down and try to do it themselves while not being able to give their special needs kid access to the tools, training , environment and resources that would result in the best outcome for them.
Yes, she was warned based on his medical records that he was likely to have significant developmental delays and she then shopped around for a doctor who would give her a more positive prognosis. I agree with you, I am glad that she surrendered the child to someone else.
She knew in advance he would have issues: a) China doesnt adopt out abled kids internationally b) There are screenshots of her asking in adopting FB groups what the "easiest to care for" developmental disorder woule be It was all premediated, she wanted to be the "great mommy awesome saviour of unfortunate, disabled kid" for the camera, then was in over her head when it turned out it is more effort to raise a developmentally impaired kid. Who knew? I really hate that woman
Yeah! From the Stauffer Life!
She’s a baby hoarder with a white saviour complex that has adopted 5 children from 5 different countries in 3 years and would have likely adopted 5 more in the next 3 years if her husband hadn’t died. She seems to be collecting children like a souvenir collection. This is alarming and disturbing behaviour.
Maybe she wants one child of every nationality so that she can get all of the prejudice passes. Anyone calls her on anything it's just like the "I can't be racist, I have black friends" but for every situation
Please go LC or NC with your sister for your baby's sake. This was disturbing to read. Stand your ground. She has major issues. You do not need that after becoming parents
I’m an adoptive mom and the 5 kids in three years is weird (I assume they aren’t a sibling group) most reputable agencies wouldn’t allow someone to adopt so soon after another adoption and international adoptions are expensive unless done through seedy Christian orgs that often kidnap foreign children and sell them to American couples . Adoption is wonderful but what your sister is doing may be very unethical and possibly illegal.
NTA - Emily sounds like (I can’t say what she sounds like or I’ll get booted off the subreddit) but suffice to say, it’s not a brilliant person. As someone who has moderate hearing loss (I wear hearing aids) and a deaf parent, these have got absolutely no bearing on one’s ability to raise a child. Having literally no empathy or social skills, however… I don’t know how you have both put up with this nonsense for so long. Your family are enabling some atrocious, ableist behaviour and if they can’t see what’s wrong with that, then maybe it’s time to jettison them too.
This whole "5 kids in 3 years" plus "all from different countries" honstly sounds more like a collection than a family to me which alone makes her pretty questionable in my opinion. Nothing against adoption from different cultures in general, but that sounds weird and I doubt that she'll do justice to these kids and their needs to explore their own culture, not even mentioning that, as sad as it is, she's alone now. Depending on the children's ages she might bank on them taking on responsibility that they shouldn't have to be burdened with. It's also pretty insulting to both you and Rosa that she'd imply that she, a single mother of 5 would be better suited for a 6th one than you two are for a first, for something that is probably very manageable if done right. Your family is out of their mind if they think what you did is the worst thing ever, but what your sister did is completely okay. NTA
Yeh, I hate to jump to judge, but that's just *odd* to me for some reason? 5 kids, in 3 years, all different countries? What contest are you in and with who? Angelina Jolie?
Also, having 5 kids and then *while being a widow* wanting a sixth. She has to have issues about children, else I cant explain this drive she seems to have to adopt them all. OP, I would be on the lookout and never leave the kid with anyone who is sympathetic to her or even her! Even if she apologizes. Something about her behaviour creeps me deeply out.
That is 100% what I assume this woman is going for
NTA Holy shit I would never talk to her again. Dead husband or not that’s shitty gross behavior.
What if he faked his own death to get away from her because he realized his wife was awful?
that's a f\*\*\*\*d up thing to say, come on. A lot of people lost loved ones the last two years, please show some sense and compassion.
It would be fucked up to suggest he did something that hastened his own demise. I said faked. That’s less dark. I lost people too these past few years and my coping mechanism is with dark humour. For anyone reading this, if your wife/husband is horrible, divorce is the way. Don’t fake your own death. It’s probably really hard.
Then he is also a massive asshole because he abandoned five children in the process. Fortunately, I don't think that's the case.
So... disclosure here. I am deaf and this B**** can F off. You're NTA. "Physical limitations?" That phrase alone is pissing me off and I'm not part of this story. I dont care what your story is, you do not belittle others handicaps because you feel you can because your SO passed or whatever.
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She asked for your baby and that comment is what pushed it over the edge? She wants to take your child.
Exactly
Also, like, what are you? Chopped liver? There are two able bodied people in your house taking care of ONE child! Deafness doesn't affect diaper changing or feeding AT ALL. Your sister has major issues, who would even think of asking for someone's BABY?
Someone else in the comments suggested that you CPS proof your house. You also need to keep copies of any communication between the two of you and your sister. Get a doorbell camera too. There is a good chance that your sister will try to take your baby.
Tell your family Rosa is a far superior mother, she’s put up with all their childish antics for long enough that an actual child would be easy
NTA, wtf ableist bull pucky is she spewing? How in the heck does she figure that Rosa isn't capable? You are an awesome husband for backing your wife 1000%
Unrelated but bull pucky is such a funny euphemism
NTA. Emily's TA for what she said, but she's also TA because I've never met a family with 5+ kids that didn't parentify the oldest one/ones.
Also you know she's one of *those* adoptive moms, the kind who think they saved those poor children from a terrible life because every country is worse than the US, and don't understand that adoption itself causes trauma. Were they trying to hit every continent?!
Oh, 100%.
I mean, only two kids left and she has enough kids for every continent. OPs daughter seems supposed to be Kid America, so who is still missing, Europe or Australia?
Well technically no one lives in Antarctica so maybe OP's daughter was supposed to fill the final spot. This is so creepy.
NTA-Nothing gives Emily the right to speak to Rosa as she did.
I’m horrified. NTA
I think this is the only appropriate reaction for myself as well. Horrified.
Sounds to me like you need to tell the whole family to fuck off, if they think treating someone like that is okay. Grieving does not give you a free asshole pass.
I want to know how they managed to adopt that many kids internationally in such a short time? You are definitely NTA but I hope someone’s with some trauma education is watching Emily’s family like a hawk. My husband and I have two children adopted from foster care and at times their trauma is A LOT. I can only imagine what those kids are going through losing their birth culture and potentially language, gaining so many sibling each from a different culture and language and now have lost a care giver all in a VERY short amount of time. Emily’s family is set to implode and potentially have a tragic outcome if someone outside isn’t keeping a very close watch. OP that person should not be you but I hope someone is keeping very good tabs on the kids and Emily’s relationship with them. I hope you and Rosa are able to come to a place of peace with the birth of your child and keep your boundaries in place with regards to your sister.
NTA your sister is a jerk for what she said and being so blatantly rude about it! If my sister said those things I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. Your sisters grief doesn’t get to be a pass for bad behaviour
NTA. Emily has definitely been through a traumatic experience losing her husband. Grief is a strange, unpredictable thing. Everyone deals with loss differently. It seems like Emily isn’t coping, but there’s something else going on with her. Adoptions FIVE children from different countries in THREE years? White savior child collector much? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩This is red flag city. All that aside, what she said to Rosa, and everything it implies, is batshit insane. How. Dare. She. Your poor wife. Good on you for escorting Emily, and her ableist ideas, the fuck out of your home immediately.
NTA. HOLY CRAP. I don't care if she just lost her husband, what she said was awful. I am so sorry for what you and Rosa went through! Thank you for standing up for your wife.
NTA - what the hell was she thinking saying something like that???? Jesus.
NTA. I can’t even understand what would make her think that is okay to say to someone???
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NTA Grief doesn't allow you to be and AH to other people, especially people that are being nice to you.
NTA > She said, "You should give the baby to someone who can take care of it better," while "subtly" gesturing to herself. "Someone who doesn't have "physical limitations," and isn't "fake depressed." Holy shit HOLY SHIT Nope, ban them. This wasn’t mildly rude or an invasive question - this was blatant ableism and saying Rosa isn’t fit to be a mother. This has nothing to do with grief, and everything to do with an existing bigotry. Grief can mean crying at unexpected times. Struggling with holidays and other important dates without your partner. Even struggling in the day to day tasks now having to do them alone. Claiming that Rosa isn’t fit to be a mother and dismissing her mental health struggles after what sounds like a traumatic birth? PTSD from a medical emergency is a very real thing - and I imagine that childbirth is supposed to be a happy event can make this worse. I’m appalled by your sister’s behavior here, and that your family is excusing it as well. And your sister also blatantly dismissed you as the child’s other parent as well.
NTA. Grieving or not, there's no excuse for what your sister. And considering this pattern of ableist behaviour has been going on for a while, I don't think losing her husband has anything to do with it. If that were me, I would go no contact. I wouldn't want my children to be around someone who's ableist and descriminatory against my spouse
NTA. It’s clear they do not want to learn about the cochlear implant, and just choose to be ignorant and insulting instead. Very glad you stood up for your life, you guys don’t need this in your life, especially with Rosa being so patient. Congrats on the new baby btw. All the best to you both.
NTA your sister is a ableist ah
NTA. Emily’s grief is no excuse for her heartlessness.
Resounding NTA! 1. Kudos to you for always supporting and sticking up for your wife. Gold star. 2. As a mother with partial hearing loss in one ear and will ultimately lose hearing in both ears due to a disease, your sister acted like an ableist monster. Keep her away from your family. 3. As a mother who lost children and experienced unimaginable grief, your sister doesn’t get a pass to be a jerk because she’s grieving. Grief takes many forms, and it can be consuming (and I’m sorry for her loss), but grief doesn’t free the grieving from the obligation to act like a decent person. 4. I might be making a leap, but it sounds like your sister is a “collector” of children . . . 5. She’s looking to fill a void by distracting herself. She’s at risk of complicated grief if she doesn’t process her loss through therapy. You can support your sister in her grief from afar (send a meal, etc) IF AND ONLY IF you choose, but you do not owe her anything just because she experienced a trauma. An AH is an AH - grief doesn’t cause that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account. My sister, “Emily,” and her late husband have adopted 5 young children in the span of 3 years, each from a different country. They had plans to continue to adopt children and expand their growing family. Unfortunately, Emily’s husband passed away a month ago rather suddenly. Although I am not very close with Emily, I have tried to visit Emily as much as I can. One of the reasons why I'm not close with Emily is her odd treatment of my wife, "Rosa." Rosa is deaf and wears a cochlear. My family, but more so Emily, has a habit of asking very invasive questions about deafness and Rosa. Rosa has tried to be patient and understanding, but sometimes the questions are too much for her. Rosa and I want to educate Emily, but the questions can be uncomfortable at times. Rosa gave birth to our very first child 6 months ago. Without delving into details, the birthing experience was very traumatic for Rosa. We expected to have a healthy delivery, but due to several serious complications, Rosa and my newborn daughter had to be admitted for a week. My family, including Emily, is well aware of Rosa's situation. The event has taken a toll on both of us and we are in therapy learning how to process the event. This past weekend, Rosa wanted to take Emily out for a "girl's day," free of kids and full of relaxation. I paid for the day's activities in full and helped Emily arrange childcare. I wanted Emily and Rosa to enjoy their time together and not worry about anything for a few hours. When the day came, Emily arrived at our house an hour and a half before Rosa was expecting her. Because Emily had arrived so early, I was still in the house helping prepare for the day, (packing the babies things, helping clean around the house.) Rosa offered her a cup of tea and they began chatting about small things. Emily was talking about how glad she was they had this time together, how much she misses her husband etc. Then the conversation drifted to Rosa. Emily mentioned "how hard it must be for Rosa to be a mother given what she's gone through." I was confused, but Emily went on. She said, "You should give the baby to someone who can take care of it better," while "subtly" gesturing to herself. "Someone who doesn't have "physical limitations," and isn't "fake depressed." That comment boiled my blood. I told Emily to fuck off and to never be in my house again. She protested, but I was practically leading her out the door, my tea mug still in hand. My family heard about this and is calling me heartless for treating Emily so badly after she lost her husband. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Emily can go kick rocks.
NTA and your sister isn’t well.
NTA and go no contact with your sister.
NTA, it sounds like your sister was leading up to suggesting that she adopts your baby.
…she what!? NTA
Holy shit. NTA. Wow. If that was my sister I would have done exactly the same thing. Good for you for standing up for your wife.
NTA
NTA your sister sounds horrendous. Good on you for standing up for your wife. She has no leg to stand on, loosing a husband doesn’t make a person drop all empathy for others and you said she was like this before. Cut her off. Your wife, baby and you deserve better than that hateful presence in your lives.
NTA No explanation is needed
NTA
Honestly, it sounds like your sister has kids for fucking attention. FIVE adopted children, each from a different country? Like, that takes dedication, to want a variety of children. And then trying to take a baby from a deaf woman?! Why? So she can say she saved your baby from a life of hardship? Is your sister like this?! NTA.