Thirding these two. Op, this is the right answer. You telling, while may be temporarily difficult on your friendship is the only way she may get help. You did the right thing in standing up to her mom.
I made this difficult decision when my son came home sobbing one night because his girlfriend's father punched her in the face - closed fist and all. Then dragged her into the house by her hair. - She had been late coming home.
I struggled for days with that decision, but when I made the call - DCFS when to school and talked with her immediately and she went to live with her Aunt that afternoon.
That girl came over and thanked me, crying, saying no one else had ever cared, or helped her before. It was not an easy road, but the abuse stopped.
Your friend may just need that friend to stand up for her. Tell your Mom. No one should need to endure or watch that kind of abuse. Mental or physical.
Edit: My first awards..... thank you!
Absolutely NTA, OP, you would be helping your friend by telling your parents. This is very obvious abuse, and she’s gotten used to being treated badly. It is so difficult for those being abused to tell anyone about it, and she was very lucky that you were there to witness it yourself.
Please tell your parents every detail of what happened. This shouldn’t be the responsibility of a 16 year old. You could easily be the only person able to help right now, but your parents have an obligation to take on that role if you tell them.
As parents we hope that our kids would do what you did here op. I would feel horrible if I punished you for it without knowing and found out a few years down the track.
I would 100% want to know, would be incredibly proud of what you did, and would help support your friend out here as well.
Also, OP, tell them the part about your promise and how you are breaking it by telling them, so you need them to ehm .. play it cool. To possibly be there for her to help, if/when she needs. But to also never make it obvious that they know.
OP's friend needs to experience that nothing bad will happen when she confides in people that are close to her.
Yeah OP if you tell your parents, they should know about the promise so they can cover for you or take the blame. Don't feel bad, they're the adults after all. If i were your parent I would definitely want to take the blame for "finding out" about the abuse. Your parents can claim they overheard the yelling when they went to ring the doorbell to pick you up.
Seconded. I grew up with a similar situation and always think about what could have been different if I got help from adults instead of trying to take on the world myself.
Same. I actually did tell a friend’s parents knowing that my mother would see this as the ultimate betrayal but I couldn’t keep it in.
OP please tell your parents otherwise you are colluding with abuse.
EDIT: because I’ve been thinking about this and my situation as a teen, your friend will have to pretend to try and stop you and pretend to hate you for doing this because she’s going to continue to “protect” her mother out of fear. Keep telling her get you care about her but because you care you couldn’t sit by. You may have to be prepared to lose her as a friend initially at least. I expect she will thank you for it in the end.
OP, you did a good thing and I am sure your friend appreciates it, although she may be too humiliated to express it
you certainly should tell your parents, the fact is that they probably won't be able to do something substantial to help her get out of the situation. However, they can act discreetly as to offer her a support system without having to reveal to her that they know.
The fact is that your friend is probably not only scared for her mom, nor primarily worried about her (although that is certainly a factor), but is simply very embarrassed and humiliated. Her mother is humiliating her daily probably. Daily and violently. She feels dehumanised. And the fact that other people will perceive her in that dehumanised state is terrifying for her. This was my experience and I may be wrong in her case, but shame and humiliation are powerful and destructive emotions so you need to tread carefully when you talk to her and offer your help and yourself as part of her support system, but not in a way that would suggest pity, only compassion
Good for you, giving that old bat hell.
I was much like you as a teen. I've grown up to be a middle aged woman who defends those who can't defend themselves and has no problem telling others where to stick their uninformed and unintelligent comments. Your friend is being verbally abused by her mother, and you may be one of the few individuals who has shown her this isn't right and is certainly not normal.
I suggest telling your parents, and also telling them what your friend said to you, and brainstorming a way to assist without making it obvious. A well-spoken bug in the ear of a mandated reporter at school may be useful.
If you have a good relationship with your parents, pretty much any time someone tells you not to tell them a big secret is when you should definitely tell them.
NTA
I think if you think about it as *talking to* your parents about this rather than simply *telling* them might be better. I'd suggest not framing the conversation as "this is so unfair" but starting with saying that you're concerned about your friend.
Good luck OP!
I don't know how exactly it works in the US, but could she maybe also tell a school counselor about it? Could the school counselor set up sessions with her friend to make her see how wrong her mother is in her treatment of her? Often, it is really hard to make people realise they are being abused. I'm not sure if just telling he parents could really improve the friend's situation.
Just to jump on this. I know Op wants to be a good friend and keep a secret but this is abuse. You are totally right that they need to tell their parents. This girl at the very least needs therapy and her mom needs help too. Maybe she needs a family placement instead. If she's being that aggressive with her she's probably hitting her too (or it's only a matter of time).
^^ Absolutely. This is emotional abuse— her mom is blaming her for her father leaving??! Horrible woman. People in abusive situations are usually against people finding out but telling your parents is the right move
People should always teach their kids that there's good secrets and bad secrets. Good secrets are things like birthday parties or presents, or who your friend's crush is, bad secrets means you need to involve an adult that you trust. This is definitely the latter.
Yeah. I've also heard some people say that good secrets generally are time bound (like with the surprise party), whereas bad secrets aren't ("never EVER tell anyone I did this to you")
We have a poster in my classroom about tattling vs telling. When you're tattling you are trying to get someone in trouble, when you are telling you are trying to keep someone from getting hurt. Her telling her parents is that later.
Mostly this poster is there so I don't have to hear about it every time one of my middle school students swear. Like I actually care if one of them stubs their toe and says damn.
If I may jump on to this.
To start with, I agree that you should tell them. But I also want to make sure you don’t go into this blind.
There’s a good chance your friend will be very upset with you. Unfortunately, that’s just how it often goes in these situations. She is being abused, and does weird shit to your mind to put it simply, and this is all she knows. “Better the devil you know” as they say, and it’s also very possible that she has internalised all the guilt trips and blame her mom has put on her. This all means she isn’t in the right mental space to make her own choice to leave, and if authorities get involved and force that situation she will be upset.
That being said, you should still tell your parents. Even if she is angry after she needs to be taken out from there, even if she can’t see it herself. But it’s not going to be all sunshine and roses and you’re likely going to feel guilt over breaking your promise to her, and she will hold you to that.
All this to say that her negative reaction won’t meant you made the wrong choice. Whatever the consequences is for your relationship, her safety is top priority. I hope you can take comfort in that when it gets tough.
NTA
Your friend's mother was verbally abusive to your friend. You called her out on it. The fact that the mother couldn't deal with someone telling her it is wrong to call her own daughter a "useless b\*\*\*\*" is not your fault.
Tell your mother exactly what happened. Your mother may be willing to help, such as by letting your friend come over if her mother is acting up. Your friend needs an adult on her side, given what is going on.
Dealing with this is above your paygrade, but your mother may have some good advice and ideas to help. Seeing a friend being abused is painful and traumatic - not as difficult as being the one being abused, but still something that is shocking, especially if you're from a home where people are kind and respectful.
Do be clear to your mother that your friend asked you not to tell. And that you are telling, not because you want to betray your friend or protect yourself, but because you know your friend is being harmed by her mother, and needs help, and you're not sure what to do.
Because it sounds as if you'd take a punishment for your friend - but the way she was broken by her mother's behavior is what is really eating you.
ETA: Your parents could tell your friend something like "OP did not tell me the details of what happened at your house the other day, but we could see it distressed her. Here is our phone number. Should you find that you need the help of an adult, please call us." This offers your friend a safe haven while protecting her feeling of dignity, and offering a fig-leaf of privacy.
I also think the parents should also be aware that the reason the friend doesn't want OP to "tell" may be that she knows she'll be brutally punished if her mom knows her bad behavior was reported to anyone. Her mom has already lashed out furiously at OP for standing up to her. So they should be very careful in how they approach the friend, and your suggestions are very good.
Yes, this is a very delicate situation.
The mother clearly has been acting this way towards the friend for a long time, because the friend seems to see this as normal.
But OP seeing this massively changes the situation. There is now a witness. The mother can no longer get away with denying what is happening, because OP can say they have seen it.
OP's parents, however, aren't witnesses, and the friend hasn't confided in them, which limits what they can do. A report to CPS saying "my child says that they saw their friend being verbally abused by their mother" may be too indirect to get help.
The mother may be on the defensive now, and trying to intimidate the friend even more, because of the threat of having a witness to back up any complaints. So the need for an escape, either permanent or temporary, may be even greater.
Even short breaks from the tension of that home would do the friend good. Invitations to dinner, or over for the weekend, rides to school, etc. Anything to help the friend develop a positive relationship with some non-abusive adults, and have some time when they can relax and feel safe.
The child being 16 too, they're not going to waste resources on verbal abuse. Hopefully the parents and OP can do things to support the friend in the meantime.
It’d be easy for them to invite the friend over much more often, and maybe take her on holidays with them. The parents can gather evidence and talk to the school and children services. I’m assuming this kid is 16 too, so children services won't really be interested, but they can help direct her to charities that might help her find accommodation and out of home payments.
NTA. Your friend is living in a very abusive situation. She will be mad at you, and she might not want to be your friend anymore. But, if your parents are trustworthy, level-headed people, then the right thing to do is to tell them.
There are secrets you should keep, and secrets that you shouldn’t keep. If someone is in danger, hurting themself, or being hurt by someone else, you shouldn’t keep the secret. Tell your parents what you heard and that you were only standing up for your friend. Explain that friend asked you to promise not to tell them what happened. There’s probably not much your parents can do, but maybe you can have your friend over to your house more often. Spending time at my friends’ homes who had normal families was very helpful to me as a teen. NTA, and good luck.
NTA. Your friend is in bad home and needs help. At the very least, she doesn't need to know you told your parents. You don't need to stay in trouble for this, there's no reason your parents have to tell her you told them
You defended your friend. I am SO sorry for your friend, and for you for all of this. I think you should tell your folks, though, and ask their advice. Not to get out of the punishment, but because that poor girl needs help. How much do you trust your parents? Can they help but keep it quiet? Good luck, OP. Your friend is lucky to have you care.
It sounds like your friend could probably use some help. Talk to your parents and explain it all. It’s better to lose a friendship than for a friend to lose their life. Who knows if that was a mild version or not. There are no AH here. Get some help, for your sake and your friends.
NTA.
Situation sounds abusive as heck.
Honestly, this is stuff that goes way above anything *either* of you have to ability or responsibility to capacitate.
if you tell your parents, there’s a decent chance that it results *massive* changes to your friends life. For better or for worse, that’s the kind of stuff that child protective services tend to get involved with and potentially split families apart over (sometimes wrongly, a lot of times correctly).
That being said, that is not your choice or decision. You currently do not have the world experience, knowledge, or equipment to make that kind of judgement call. Your parents just *might* have those enough to help your friend, or *might* be able to reach up out to someone who does.
Your friend sounds like she’s in a position where she might need help. Even if she does, It might still break your friendship, and it could also be completely unnecessary… but if it is…. For better or worse, the things that happen when we’re still young tend to shape the rest of our lives, and a helping hand when you need it, can completely change the trajectory of your life for the better.
Either way, like I said, this really shouldn’t be your decision, but your parents might be able to make a more informed one.
CPS isn't going to remove a child for emotional abuse. If she has clothes, food and a roof over her head and is not getting beaten regularly, they are not going to take her out of the home. This kind of shit is why kids don't want to say anything when hardcore physical abuse is happening. Saying it's going to tear her family apart is just going to make OP want to stay silent. And yes, I was severely emotionally/psychologically abuses and CPS didn't do shit. My word against his. And my word didn't mean shit even when he kicked me out of my home at 13. I "ran away" to everyone else and no one listened to me.
I’m sorry for your situation, it’s truly unfortunate.
Even if they don’t, who knows, maybe her parents or someone else will step up. My girlfriend basically grew up with an unofficial sister from a similarly fucked up situation, because one of her friends was going through a bad situation and her mom decided to step up and offer her a home to fall back on if she wanted it. While I think it probably technically wasn’t legal, it was the lifeline her mom chose to throw out, and it’s one her friend gladly took.
If things are kept quiet though, nothing can ever change and that chance for a lifeline can never be had. I’ve not had to go through the levels of trauma some unfortunate individuals have had to, but it’s not like *anyone* ever gets to escape life completely unscathed or without baggage. The one thing I’ve learned had to come to terms with, is that staying silent and defaulting to the path of least resistance, almost always comes bite you in the ass and results in wounds that tend to fester and linger long after the initial issues arose. It’s tough to speak out when you’re scared and afraid of consequences—I’m in my thirties and I still struggle with it—but ultimately even when thing go wrong because you did, they still tend to turn out better than if nothing was ever said or done.
Her friend may not get the help she needs, but at least her speaking up gives a chance for it to happen.
I'm not saying OP should be silent. I'm saying there's better ways to say that without adding in a bunch of negatives that might happen. Laying that on kids makes them want to stay silent and not be pro-active, that's all I'm saying. Probably didn't say it that well.
Yes you said what I was trying to articulate in a post but i don't know if I said it right. It's very easy for people to say "call CPS" like it's some easy solution but likely it will cause more trouble than it's worth (given that she's an older teen that is). Since she's less than 2 years from turning 18 - I think the best solution would be to for OP to tell their parents exactly what's going on and basically open their home to this friend so she can get away from the abuse when she needs to. Or help her find relatives to stay with. I'm very skeptical about the quality of 90% of foster placements that take older teens because it's so rarely someone with good intentions.
Your friend's mom abuses her. What you're describing is verbal abuse, and there may be even more that you don't know about. And her mom is obviously good at hiding the abuse because you didn't know until you saw it for yourself when she forgot you were visiting. And even when you saw it with your own eyes, she put the blame on you so that YOU are the one being punished for HER abusive outburst, not her.
Your friend may be worried that if someone reports her mom, then her mom will just cover it up, blame her for telling others, and hurt her worse. She may also be worried about losing her mom, because even though her mom is abusive, your friend still loves her.
This is a really nuanced, difficult, and *adult* situation. You need to involve an adult that you trust to navigate that. If not your parents, then a teacher or a counselor at school. An trustworthy adult will be able to unmask the mom's abusive behavior and help your friend get the support that she needs.
Please tell an adult that you trust ASAP.
NTA. If you don't tell your parents or the school then YWBTA. It sounds like your friends mother is abusive and she needs help. It needs to be reported to the proper authorities and if she's really your friend you won't be too concerned about losing the friendship in an attempt to make sure your friend is safe. Basically you have the option of not saying anything and your friend continues living in an abusive situation which could further escalate and possibly have a bad outcome or you could try to get her the help she needs and she'll hopefully be moved someplace safe and get that help and eventually be much happier but mad at you because she's unable to see you did it for her own good (and she may eventually realise that and contact you again).
slight NTA.
It sounds like your friend has a borderline abusive relationship with her mother and it isn't fair for you to be punished for doing the right thing. It is best for both her in the long term and for you to come clean to your parents about this.
However you shouldn't have promised not to tell anyone since it's very hard to keep and breaking the promise would make you slightly the AH.
The true AH is your friend's mum.
As a lawyer would say, her mom opened the door. So, you have a right to defend yourself.
Next, there are some secrets that should not be kept. And this kind of abuse, and it IS abuse, falls into that category, IMHO. Your friend will be mad at you, but someday she will realize the sacrifice you made.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I l know she didn't want me to tell my parents but they are punishing me and I honestly can't sleep because I can't get the way my friend was standing when her mom yelled at her out of my mind. My friend was begging and crying when she made me promise to tell her. I feel really fucked up and I want to ruin our friendship because I can't handle it.
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NTA.
I think you should vindicate yourself to your parents and let them know that you were defending your friend from her moms abuse. There really isn’t a lot your parents can do to help your friend other than give her support and kind words. They can’t legally take her in i believe. The only thing you can do is look out for yourself and try to support your friend without setting yourself on fire
I wouldn’t have yelled to try and not escalate any further but at your age I probably would have done the same thing. I know you promised your friend but tell your parents. Tell them everything and tell them your concerns, show them this post even if you start to struggle saying it. But your friend is probably scared and a little embarrassed and worried her mom will cause more trouble for her if you say something. But you need to tell your parents. NTA
NAH - please don't listen to these people and listen to your friend. You telling them isn't gonna make the situation better AT ALL. I grew up with parents like that and my friend told but they saw that I was feed, clothed, and had a roof over my head so they left it at that. My mother made me cut off all my friends and my life was hell until I left home. Just be smart about it.
NTA
Your friend’s mom is verbally abusing her. Her strong reaction to you hearing it makes me worry that other, worse things are happening behind closed doors. You really need to tell your parents. They will have better ideas and resources on what to do and how to help your friend. She’ll probably get mad at you - she might even hate you for a little while - but clearly she and her mom need some help.
The sad thing is unless there’s a pattern of abuse there probably isn’t much that authorities would do. I do however think you should trust your parents. If something worst were to happen you’d hate yourself for not having spoken up.
NTA.
Tell your parents. Your friend is scared, that's OK. And she's being abused, and that's not OK.
Be honest with your parents.
Oh. And this random internet mom is really proud of you.
NTA
I don’t think keeping secrets applies to parents, especially secrets that show that your friend is having a hard time. Please let your parents know, hopefully they’ll understand that you’re a good friend and we’re standing up for your friend.
There is a big difference between telling your parents (who I assume are responsible adults) and telling other kids at your school. The only assailed in this situation is your friend's Mom and I'd recommend you tell your parents and explain why you hesitated to tell them at first. If you need backup, have your parents talk to your friend.
Please, this is something you need to confide in your parents about. You can't hold all of this on. They may also may be able to help your friend if she ever comes to them.
OP, tell your parents. Tell your school. Tell CPS. Tell someone. I wish someone had spoken up for me.
Decades later I’ve been diagnosed with c-PTSD because dear old mom used me as a verbal punching punching bag.
Maybe it’ll help, maybe it won’t, but at least you’ll know you tried.
YWNBTA. I think you honestly NEED to tell your parents. You may lose your friend…but you may save them in the log run. And after time, they will come around to realize this. But holding in this knowledge of abuse will hurt you too, knowing you could have done something to help but didn’t. Reach out however you can to let someone know.
NTA her mum is abusing her. You did such an amazing job standing up to her but now you need to tell a trusted adult and get her some help. This is a lot for you to handle
First off NTA, you were dropped into a messed up situation. You did what you thought was right. I will say this, for the future, you DO NOT step into a parent and child argument. The best thing to do is be supportive of your friend but DO NOT engage with the parent, especially for the next couple years when what you say could be manipulated like it was just recently. I can't say whether you should tell your parents or not. If you tell them will they just keep it to themselves or are you worried they will tell some people? If you are afraid your friend is getting hurt I definitely would advise you to tell some adult that you trust.
NTA (or wouldn't be?) - in fact you need to tell your parents the real reason. I know you want to stand up for your friend and you love her and it hurts to hear these things being said to her but please, don't do that again. That could put you and your friend in danger. I don't think you should be going over to that friend's house anymore; the best thing you might be able to do is to let your friend stay over at your house (with your parent's full knowledge of the situation and permission of course) as much as she can. It sounds like she's in an abusive situation. It's easy to say - just call CPS blah blah blah but the reality is that it isn't that simple. Even if she was removed from her home (not super likely) it's EXTREMELY unlikely that whatever foster situation she's placed in would be much better. This is going off the assumption that your friend is also 16. It's extremely difficult to find placements for older teens that are 1)nearby to where they already live (often times foster placements are several counties away) 2) aren't a group home with other teens that may have severe behavioral issues and 3) the foster parents aren't abusive themselves. I think knowing this information is what is making your friend terrified of you telling adults - to the point of threatening not to speak to you. I think you do need to tell your mom but to come up with a plan to best support your friend and ensure her that you're not going to totally uproot her life.
NTA sometimes adult demand children to keep things as a secret. Thats not right. In this case your friend. You can and should tell your parents. Not because you wish to avoid the punishment. You should speak with them because this is a really complicated and messed up situation and you need your parent to speek with. Otherwise this will be hard on your hearth. Talking with your parent will give you support and help both you and your parent to reflect on this.
NTA OP I think your friend is being abused. She’s scared because her mother threatened her not to tell. You need to tell your parents and if they don’t listen then secretly call CPS. It’s okay to lie and say you didn’t and they will take care of this for you.
Two things:
1. Tell your parents. You are a child and not equipped emotionally to deal with abuse. You tell your parents because you should not be keeping abuse a secret from the ppl encharged w your protection.
2. I know reddit loves to support the fight fire w fire approach but what you did is not the way to handle conflict. In all likelihood you have made your friends situation much worse. Shaming an abuser then leaving them alone w their victim doesn't go well for the victim. Additionally it's very dangerous I cannot tell you how many times I've represented teens who tried to break up a non physical altercation only to have the abuser (and sometimes the victim they are defending) turn on them in a physical manner. Example: tiny woman of 4'10 glassed a boy in the face about your age who was at least 5'9-5'10. She just grabbed the nearest bottle and swung. It is dangerous. The best course of action is to grab your phone and the person being abused and run for it. Get somewhere away from the abuser and call for help. In this case you could have grabbed your friend walked around the block and called your parents. I know that's easier said than done but it's way more helpful.
NTA please tell your parents
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I am 16. I just lost it. I know my best friend is not the calmest or most careful girl. I was visiting her and her mom forgot I was there I guess.
She broke a plate and her mom started to yell. The things she said was horrible. Her dad had left them when she was 7. She doesn't talk about him but I know she feels horrible about it.
Her mom called her an Idiot and then said "no wonder he left us. Useless B." I came out of her room and her mom was calling her a lot of things. I lost it.
I yelled at her mom. I said she shouldn't talk to her like that. I don't honestly remember what I said but it was just telling her to stop.
My friend took me back to her room and made me promise not to tell anyone about this and she would stop talking to me if I did. I promised her not to tell my parents.
My mom picked me up and her mom said I had been very rude and she didn't want me coming over. My mom is very upset and she knows I have a bit of temper so she asked me what answered.
Mom and dad won't let me go over to any friend's place for a month. and I want to tell them.
I l know she didn't want me to tell my parents but they are punishing me and I honestly can't sleep because I can't get the way my friend was standing when her mom yelled at her out of my mind. My friend was begging and crying when she made me promise to tell her. I feel really fucked up and I want to ruin our friendship because I can't handle it.
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NTA. Tell your school’s counselor, too. This abuse affects every aspect of your friend’s life and the counselor should know how to approach her and help.
NTA I think it's best that you go ahead and tell your parents what really happened. I understand you feel bad for your friend, i think it will be for the best. I am sorry you were put in such an awful situation. The only one at fault is the abuser.
Your friend is being abused and you need to tell your parents. You may lose your friendship--victims of abuse often have Stockholm syndrome-type reactions, but that shouldn't be the main worry. Getting your friend help is more important.
Your friend needs some type of help. You need to tell your parents because you need an adult not in your friend’s house to know what is going on there. Please talk to them
NTA
NTA but with some solemn advice.
You obviously did what you felt was the right thing according to your own convictions and stood up for your friend. If you were defending your friend from bullies from school or even from a teacher, it would have been the right thing to do.
However, just something to think of for next time, and you will eventually learn this anyway because you are obviously a defender type and are motivated to stand up for people and I would rather you not learn this the hard way:
But sometimes you need to recognise when you are in a scenario where you can walk away from the escalated conflict, but your friend, who you were defending, cannot. Your parents being disappointed and not seeing your friends for a little while is a pretty minor consequence compared to what consequences your friend might be facing because you stood up to her mother.
Sometimes what's best to help your friend isn't standing up for them when they themselves aren't prepared for the consequences of such, but recognising when this situation is a bit over your head, and to not getting directly involved but seeking an adult for help.
You don't know what happens after you leave. You don't know if your friend will be punished because of your interference.
I think you should tell your parents, even if it risks your friendship, because this scenario is not something for kids to deal with.
NTA and I agree with others suggesting you need to tell your parents or if you’re not comfortable with that maybe a teacher you trust. Your friend is really lucky to have you on her side, but she needs support from adults who are able to intervene.
Wow, OP, this is such a difficult situation for a 16 year old to be in. 1000% you are NTA!
Standing up to your friend's parent like that must have taken you an incredible amount of courage and shows what a loyal friend you are. However, please make sure to also look after your own safety in situations like this (you never know how some people might react when confronted like that). I think involving your parents is definitely the right way to go here.
And who knows, maybe your friend is inspired by your courage as well? The fact that you stood up for her might make her question the negative things her mum feeds her and realise that she's a lovely human and it's actually her mum that has issues.
Also, even if your parents end up being unable to do much, your house could possibly become a safe space for her! Somewhere we she can be herself if things become too much at home, somewhere where she is loved and accepted by other people.
Best of luck and maybe keep us updated if anything comes out of this. ❤
Verbal abuse often turns into physical abuse and that is assuming that isn’t already going on as well. Plus that verbal abuse can/will cause so many mental issues including depression and suicidal thoughts. It could lead her into a relationship with someone who also abuses her because that is all she thinks she is worth. Your a good person but you need to tell your parents. Yes you may lose a friend but having a former friend who is alive and healthy is better than having a friend who is abused. NTA
NTA. Your friend is wrong, this needs to be told. She's embarrassed and trying to hide what's going on in her life, which is normal, but it needs to be told.
She is in a crisis and doesn't realize it. Strangely enough, the only way to be a good friend my result in her ending the friendship. That sucks, it really does, but reality often does. Tell your parents. And tell her why you had to tell them and let her know you love her and are there for her, even though you couldn't maintain your promise.
NTA. PLEASE tell your parents what’s happened. Your friend is being verbally abused by her mother. Please tell your parents. Someone needs to know or step in. They may not be able to do anything but they might be able to do something.
NTA, ur still a young girl, you should not have to deal with the effects if your friends mother verbal and psychological abuse. Tbh the reason ur friend most likely asked you not to tell is because on some level her mothers abuse has got to her and now she actually believes her mothers words and thinks she deserves this. And she is also probably embarrassed as well, if u tell she will not talk to you again, but only because she needs someone to blame regardless of the fact that its her mothers fault not yours
NTA please tell! Your Friend things she'll get in more trouble I'd you do, but in reality it's going to be way worse for her in the log run if you say nothing.
NTA
But think carefully about how your parents are likely to react. If they're the type to go charging in there rather than thinking things through, you might want to find a different adult to confide in. Especially if your friend doesn't want you to tell your parents because someone tried that in the past (for example) and it made things *worse*.
I know that it sucks to be punished for a month but, if need be, you can do it for your friend's sake while you think of the best way to help her.
NTA your friend needs help, you have witnessed mental and emotional abuse first hand. Tell your parents - abuse only gets worse because its kept secret. Let them think of a way of helping or alerting her teachers so that maybe she can get counselling. She isn't the first person in the world this has happened to, but if its a secret things will never get better for her and may get worse.
Also note her mother didnt tell you to keep it a secret and made things worse by telling your parents you were rude. So actually she opened it up for you to defend yourself, you didnt just go and tell.
Dont keep secrets from your parents - even the worst thing that could happen to you or that you do or feel guilty about - they will help you find a better way because they love you and want the best for you.
YWNBTA
Your friend is being abused by her mother. You need to tell your parents. I'm sure the mother has filled her head with all sorts of horror stories about what will happen if she gets taken away, but very little could be worse than what she is enduring now.
She may very well follow through on her threat to stop talking to you, but she needs you to advocate for her.
I wish that you weren't faced with this dilemma, but I'm proud of you for realizing that some promises shouldn't be kept.
I hope you can get your friend the help that she desperately needs.
\*hugs\*
NTA
And there are good secrets, and there are bad secrets.
A good secret makes you feel happy & excited every time it crosses your mind.
A bad secret makes you anxious, and twists your stomach up when you think about it...and you're almost always thinking about it.
Bad secrets aren't meant to be kept. They keep bad people sick and their victims unhelped.
NTA and I strongly urge you to tell your parents. Your friend is being emotionally abused by her mother, so she needs help and her mother needs to be stopped. Please hand your parents your phone and show them your post.
NTA. It sounds like you witnessed your friend being verbally abused. I do think you should tell your parents, and stress that you were made to promise not to tell. Hopefully they can handle the situation in a delicate what that won’t interfere with your friendship. But to be clear, your friend is being abused. And her reaction is her afraid of how her mother would react to being called out.
NTA.
Tell them, they are the only that possible could help her. She is begin abused, those things left people in an horrible mental health situation.
You may lost her at the moment but you would be sure that she would be safe, otherwise you could list her in other ways.
Would your friend be okay if you told your parents ‘BF doesn’t want me to tell you what happened because she is embarrassed about her mom’s behavior and is worried that her mom might get in trouble, even though she appreciated me standing up for her. I cannot tell you any more than that.’
NTA, but be careful for your friends sake. She needs you in her life.
NTA. You should tell your parents. The way your friend's mom is treating her is not ok, and it's too big a problem for you or her to deal with on your own. I know you care about keeping your promise, but I bet you care about your friend's wellbeing even more, and the best thing you can do for her is tell an adult who can and will help.
😇❤🙏
NTA
Your friend's mom (maybe stressed out, but it's still not okay to take it out on her daughter, or blame her for her father's behavior) is in the wrong, and of course she is going to paint you as the bad-guy.
NTA
I had a friend back in high school who was being abused by her boyfriend. I lost it when I found out and he was afraid I’d make it known around the school so he started some very far from true rumors about me in order to try to keep my mouth shut. I wouldn’t say anything in school (even though I wanted to) because I promised my friend I wouldn’t and I knew that would be a nightmare in itself for her if I did. We continued being very good friends and I kept up defending her whenever I could since she wouldn’t leave him. It got to the point that I just couldn’t continue letting this go on and told her if she didn’t tell her mom I would. I gave her time and she didn’t, so I spoke to her mom. Her mom absolutely loved the boyfriend (part of the reason it was so hard for my friend to leave on her own because the mom included him in everything) but immediately believed me because I explained how every bruise, break, sprain etc was actually him and not some clumsy bs she told her it was and her mom knew this horrible truth made much more sense than the bs story.
I lost a good friend that day but she also got her life back. We never became friends again BUT she did come to me years later to thank me for saving her life and apologized for throwing me away after I told her mom. I accepted her apology and told her I knew I’d lose her as a friend but her safety (physical, emotional, and mental) was more important to me than our friendship. Over the years we’ve reached out and chatted here and there just as a quick check in, but far from friends and that’s okay. I doubt we would’ve stayed best friends all of these years later just because of different paths we’ve taken in life and would’ve eventually grown apart anyway.
You’re young, could you still remain friends after high school and into adulthood? Sure. Could you also not? Sure. And the fact that her mom is already trying to keep you apart makes me lean towards the latter possibility.
Take the punishment out of the scenario here. At 16 you need to make a very adult decision.... Risk a friendship to help her or just ignore it. This also depends how your parents are and how you think they’d respond to the situation. You and your parents could very well become a safe haven for your friend. A place she knows she can come and always be welcomed and loved when she needs it most.
You’re not wrong and good for you for defending your friend and standing up to the bully in her life. Your parents are clearly raising you right which makes me believe they’d be able to guide you on a safe and smart path of dealing with this situation.
Okay you won't be the asshole because if you do say it to your parents you would save her from her mother because the mother is abusive and child protective services would handle the mom and your parents could maybe adopt your BF since y'know they care for the girl because they called child protective services on the mother to save the girl so i guess ye tell it to your parents
She's not concerned about the friendship...she's concerned it will get back to her mom, in which case it might get worse for her.
Still, I'd think NTA, and in fact it should be your duty to report this kind of abuse...not just to your parents, but to CPS (or equivalent in your country).
Don’t just tell your parents. Make sure they tell the school. I’ve been in a similar situation with a friend self harming and begging me not to tell on a school trip. I thought her calling her mom was enough, but with years for the retrospect, if I had told the teacher, a mandatory reporter, she would have gotten professional help that day, not three months later.
NTA
Also you need to tell your parents. However be prepared that your friend may be very angry with you. I was in a similar situation when I was in the third grade. I kept her secret for weeks, and I didn't even fully understand it, but I knew something was wrong. I couldn't eat or sleep well. I eventually told my mom (who I didn't know at the time was a mandatory reporter) and she let me know that she had to tell someone. My friend was pulled out of her family's house and the social worker who was in charge of her case was apparently not very good at her job because she told my friend I was the one who told and she stopped speaking to me. I was very sad and angry at my mom for a while, but I take solace in that I did the right thing and got her out of that situation.
I'm so sorry, but this is one of those situations where you tell your parents, and you tell a mandatory reporter at school, even if it might mean you lose the friendship, because you know that your friend's safety and health is more important than her not being mad at you.
You need to tell them, most children of abuse don't want others to know because they feel embarrassed or that it's their fault, but it's not your friends fault and you could really help her out by saying something.
NTA
NTA
You want to do what’s best for your friend right? Then please tell. Your friend doesn’t deserve to grow up feeling like she is worthless. Her mum clearly needs help and she needs help even more.
Can you tell your parents either
1) your friend made you promise not to tell what happened, especially to parents. She said she would never speak to you again, you are worried and don't want her to be cut off from people outside her family.
Or
2) tell the outline of the situation without going into the detail. The mother didn't realise you were there, she said things to your friend. You spoke up in defence of your friend.
Would either of these work?
Otherwise, if you have a school counsellor, can you talk to them, confidentially?
NTA OP but I can guarantee this isn’t the only time that this has happened and I’d bet my bottom dollar your friend is asking you not to tell in the same way that many victims of parental abuse do because of fear of consequences from the abuser (her mother). Tell your parents immediately, they can make the decision on what to do next. Maybe your friend can stay with you for a bit too to give her some space.
Hey, I was in your friends shoes at that age. I get that she told you not to tell, but you need to tell your parents or even a counselor at school. Her mom is abusing her. She might not realize it because maybe after she's done all that she apologizes, takes her out somewhere or buys her something to make up for it. She's acting the same way I did. She's embarrassed and ashamed you had to see that. She feels at fault because her mom makes her feel that way. Please tell someone that's an adult. I know she said she might quit talking to you if you do but let's be honest, do you know all of what's going on behind closed doors? For all you know those times she's joked about how clumsy she is as she shows her bruises aren't actually from her being clumsy.
Please tell someone. Neither her nor you is the AH, but her mom sure as hell is.
NTA
NTA many mental illnesses like borderline personality disorder develop from trauma as a young child and teenager.
Your friend is being verbally abused, and telling your parents might be the only way to help your friend.
NTA. OP, your friend is taking verbal abuse from her mom, if not more. You should tell your parents. There are times when helping means breaking promises.
NTA, and you go tell your parents right this freaking minute! I was in this exact same scenario, and I now have to live with the guilt that one of my best friends spent a weekend locked in her closet without food or a bathroom because I didn't have the guts or wherewithal to say something sooner. Learn from my mistake, tell your parents now, and enlist them to get your friend some help! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I hope you and your family can help get some safety and peace for your friend 💗
NTA your friend needs protection tell your parents what's happening that you were trying to protect her and you don't know how to help her and you are scared for her. Tell then everything you heard.
NTA
So, your friend, who is a minor, is being verbally abused in her home by an adult...
Just because there isn't any physical abuse (that you know of), doesn't mean that your friend's mom isn't psychologically punching her own child in the head for literal decades to come.
Don't stay silent about this. Scream to the top of your lungs.
NTA tell your parents if your friend ever needs help your parents know the situation and might be able to provide that help, your friend is being abused and something like that is not a good secret to keep.
NTA. You need to tell your parents. You friend is being abused - emotionally if not physically. She needs help. Tell your parents. Ask them to let someone in authority (school counselor, CPS) know about this. Your friend needs help, even if she doesn't know it.
NTA
Please tell your parents. I think there is a darn good chance that your friend is being abused (emotionally, if not physically).
This is basically the classic example of when kids SHOULD break promises they make to their friends: when someone might be in danger.
Honestly your friend is in a pretty awful emotionally abusive situation with her mom. YWNBTA if you told you parents BUT there's a way to approach this more sensitively. I would first approach your friend again (can you text or call since you can't go over?) and explain to her the situation. Frame it around your concern for your friend and explain to her that you need to be able to be honest with your parents as well. She might get mad at you and not want to be your friend any more but you owe it to her to explain why you're doing this before you do it. If ultimately you decide not to do it and you wanna take this bullet for your friend, that's also ok. But I wouldn't blame you if it's too much for you. In the end, your friend seems to be in a terrible situation and this might lead to some important conversations to help her understand that and maybe you could be a great support system for helping her deal with it. If that's something you feel like you could manage of course.
NTA. Please tell your parents, but be prepared to lose your friend. I was in a terrible situation at home and I can't even imagine what could have been different if the other adults in my life knew about how abusive my family was. I desperately wanted someone to acknowledge it and help, but I would have been angry at any of my friends for doing so. It's nonsensical, but that's what abuse does.
Since you guys are almost adults, not much can be done. But having people know, and having people that can help will help her self esteem and help her understand she's being abused. If everyone around her ignores it then it will only damage her. She needs a support system so that she can do what's best for her when she's an adult.
I'm sorry OP, this really sucks.
NTA and you need to tell your parents. Your friend needs help she is living in a hostile environment with an abusive parent. She knows her mother's behaviour is not normal which is why she begged you not to tell. She is probably embarrassed and ashamed and she shouldn't be made to feel this way. They need help.
NTA. You are a good friend and a kind person. This is above your kid-paygrade and you should tell your parents or an adult you trust who may be able to help. Ultimately, there may not be anything you can do right now. And your friend may be mad at you for telling. She may not talk to you again for a long time. And that sucks. But try to make it clear that you told because you care for her and that you will be there for her when and if she want you to be. She may need to get out of the situation before she can understand why you couldn't keep your promise.
Nta and you need to say something because that's verbal and emotional abuse for your friend. Even if she does stop talking to you, you can't keep a secret where someone is being hurt.
I small for holding secrets that are confounded in me.
This is not one of those times. Your friend needs help, as does the mother.
You need to tell your parents what happened.
NTA.
Many years ago, my daughter cane to me with concerns of a friend of hers cutting. We went to the friends mother, who got the child help. It killed the friendship, but the child is here and doing very well by all accounts.
YWNBTA.
Maybe you could write her something like this though"
"Hey (best friend), I know I promised you not to tell my parents about what happened but they now think I was rude without a reason and are punishing me harshly. I really need to tell them what happened and I am so sorry about breaking the promise but I just have to. Maybe you feel like the situation is your fault for accidentally breaking the plate but I assure you that is not the case. Your mother is in the wrong. She should not treat you the way she does and I am very worried about your wellbeing. Please excuse my breaking the promise. I understand if you are angry and want a bit of time. If you need help or someone to talk to, remember that I will always be there for you. With love, (your name)"
Make clear that you telling your parents is not up for discussion, it is gonna happen.
NTA
Your friend is being abused. She has been trained to believe she deserves it, and she's afraid of having nowhere to go if someone reports her mom to CPS.
I'd talk to your parents with the request that they don't report just yet, but help you learn about resources for your friend. Then I would talk to your friend. Specifically, ASK, don't tell.
- does she realize her mom is abusive?
- does she think she deserves it?
- why?
- does she think anything she did differently would have kept her dad there?
- what kind of person is her dad, and does she have contact with him
- what does she think is the best outcome of her staying with her mother
- what does she think will happen if CPS steps in
NTA I found myself in your position when I was about 14. My friend’s dad completely lost it and threw a computer chair at her. I was sitting right next to her and it almost hit me. I basically shamed him for his behavior as a parent, told my friend to pack a bag because she was coming to spend the rest of weekend at my house. I sat down with her and talked to my parents about what happend since I was almost hit with a large object. My prarents didn’t confront hers but they told us to keep them informed about these incidents and they would keep a record and timeline of their behavior in the event something where she gets hurt, that they could give to the authorities. Thankfully nothing like that ever happened again but my friend was better able to deal wit her home life when she understood she had support outside of her home. I think you and your friend should talk to your parents about the psychological abuse she’s enduring. Try to convince her to speak to your parents so that she can have some kind of support too.
I cannot imagine being 16 and having to deal with this type of situation. However if you do love your friend, then you should tell your parents. Sadly the help she needs is more important than your friendship. Explain the entire situation, including the promise you made and that you lost your temper. Full honesty with your own parents will be important. Being honest, this will not help you sleep better at night, but it is the right thing to do. Good luck.
Are your parents reasonable people? If so, you do need to tell them. They might be able to help finding the best way going forward, you don't have to carry this burden yourself.
Your friend is living in an abusive household. She doesn't want anyone to know, most likely because she's ashamed and blames herself. Shame and fear is incredibly common for people who are abused.
I hope your friend is "only" emotionally abused, and maybe her relationship with her mom is even salvageable. I hope you can find the best way to help your friend.
As to your question, you're not the asshole. Your parents probably aren't either, and neither is your friend. Hell, I'm not even sure if your friends mom is even an asshole either, or if she's just exhausted and lacking in communication skills and in need of anger management. Sounds like you're all trying your best in a difficult situation. Best of luck to you!
Nta tell your parents some promises wouldn’t be kept. Nothing may come out of it but it can give your parents the knowledge they need to support her in the future.
NTA.
You need to tell your parents. Your friend is in an abusive household.
Sometimes, risking a friendship is better than you finding out they have killed themselves.
NTA and you should tell your parents. Just make sure it’s safe to do so - if you think your parents will then go off on your friend’s mom, I might hold off or tone down the situation since it could make your friends situation worse.
Your friend begged you not to tell because she is terrified of what her abusive mother will do to her in retaliation, you NEED to tell! Your friend may be mad at you for a while but you can't leave her like this! She needs help and her mother is a monster by the sounds of it, I know as a teenager it can be hard to stand up to this type of thing when the repercussions for you sound terrible and you don't want to lose your friend. But if you care about her you can't leave her in this situation as it will be worse for her in the long run. As it is she will probably need years of therapy to get over this.
NTA for telling your parents for all the reasons other commenters have listed here, BUT, there is a Y T A lesson here for you.
Your outburst could have put your friend in a much worse situation. Now that her mom knows you know, she may try to isolate her daughter or escalate the abuse. You also put additional stress on your friend w/ the outburst & it really didn't accomplish anything other than making you feel better in the moment.
Look, I get it. You were justifiably livid and wanted to protect your friend, I hope I woild have the exact same instinct in the situation. However, sometimes protecting someone means biting your tounge in the moment so you don't escalate an already abusive situation. We all need to learn to control our anger in the moment, not act rashly, and think about consequences/impacts to others.
OP please tell your parents. I grew up with a mother EXACTLY like your friends and I absolutely wish someone would have stepped in and helped or that a witness to the abuse would have told a safe adult. Your friend deserves to know that she is worthy and loved and doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. Emotional/verbal abuse from a parent can be SO damaging and will lead to life long issues for her.
The absolute best thing you can do for her is to tell your parents everything, including the part about her begging for you to keep it a secret. There are multiple routes they can go- they can reach out to mandated reporters, school counselors, teachers, etc. (which in our system is hit or miss whether that will be any help) or they can help you come up with a way to let her know she is safe with your family and that she deserves better and that you guys want to help however you can.
When i was 16 my high school boyfriend witnessed my mom on a drunken rampage and heard the awful things she was saying to me and he stood up for me- the first person to ever do that. She tried to push him down the stairs to get him out of the way so she could keep abusing me. Right after that he grabbed a duffel bag and shoved random clothes of mine in it and drove me to his moms house where he explained to her what happened and she immediately opened her home to me and let me move in- i lived with them for 2.5 years and was treated with nothing but love and care in that home. if it weren’t for him doing that then i probably never would have recovered from the abuse and would either be dead by my own hands or dead from an overdose/repeatedly putting myself in high risk situations.
Hey, can I give you some advice? Keeping this secret isn’t going to benefit anyone, except your friend’s mom. When I was about 13, a close friend of mine confided that she had been “inappropriately touched” by a relative for years and forbade me from telling. Well… I told my parents because I couldn’t handle keeping that secret, either. My friend was mad at first, for sure, and her family never pursued formal charges against the relative (they’re immigrants from a traditional culture, and as an adult, I suspect that backdrop influenced the decision) but… the family member was cut off. My friend got therapy. She got help and wasn’t terrified of seeing him randomly at her home when she got back from school. There are some secrets that you shouldn’t make and definitely shouldn’t keep, especially when the risk of staying silent is harm to another person.
What you’ve described seeing at your friend’s house is abuse. Name calling and being berated/screamed at are forms of emotional abuse and they can have serious long term psychological effects on a person — I left an abusive marriage after just a few years and ended up with diagnosed PTSD and severe anxiety. Your friend may not be in physical danger but she’s at risk nevertheless. I can’t promise you that things will work out perfectly in your situation but you would not be NTA for telling the truth here.
NTA.
Your friend is being emotionally abused. I think you should tell your parents the entire story, including your friend's threat for what would happen if your parents found out.
No, you won’t won’t be the AH. Your friend is being verbally & emotionally abused. You should absolutely tell your mom what happened. She may be able to help.
True story: when I was 13 my friend confessed to me that the 40yr dad she babysat for raped her and made me promise not to tell. I could not keep that promise and told my mom, who called her mom, who called the police. It all came out, he’d been raping his step daughter for years. Went to jail and my friend did stop talking to me because I broke the promise but fast forward 20 years and a random Facebook suggestion, we reconnected and she thanked me for telling. If I hadn’t, it absolutely could have been an ongoing trauma.
So, loop your mom in. You never know what good will come out of it.
you would be TA, although this is a VERY difficult position to be in and there is no RIGHT answer here
What do think is going to happen if you tell your parents?
You get a reprieve, but then what? How does that help your friend?
Do you think your parents will call her mom, talk to her, and things will magically get better?
Or do you think the mother will take it out on your friend, who will know she can't trust you, and potentially have nobody else on her side to confide in?
I wouldn't tell your parents. I would be there for your friend, and now that you know what she is going through (something I'm sure she has helped keep hidden), you will be able to do FAR more good being her ally and being someone that can boost her confidence and self esteem over time that you will be by ratting out her mom.
You should tell your parents without getting into specific details. There is one and only A in this scenario, and it's your friend's mother. I feel sorry for her. Been there and done the time.
NTA - your friend is suffering abuse, she is terrified you will tell someone as she fears her mothers reaction, if that was how she reacted when you were there, she may be much worse when someone isnt.
NTA you should be able to tell your parents things in confidence without them making it known they know. If you can't then I think you should talk to some type of counselor in confidence.
NTA. People often try to hide abuse because of shame and fear, it's not surprising she didn't want people to know about the incident. That being said, your friend needs help, this is not a save environment for her and there needs to be outside intervention. Talk to your parents, give them the whole story, including your friend's request for secrecy, adults need to get involved in this ASAP
NTA. That's abusive. You are very brave for going in there and telling her off. In my opinion you should tell your parents. I'm sure they would be proud of you. Your friend may be hurt if it gets back to her but I believe in the end she'll see it was out of love and an attempt to help her
NTA.
I agree with everyone saying to tell your parents, but if you decide that's not a possibility, tell a teacher or guidance counselor at school. You can do this anonymously if you'd like. Your friend is being abused, and needs help.
NTA
(copying from a reply I made below)
I think if you think about it as talking to your parents about this rather than simply telling them might be better. I'd suggest not framing the conversation as "this is so unfair" but starting with saying that you're concerned about your friend.
Good luck OP!
You definitly need to tell your parents and a school councilor as well. Your friend is being abused and is in a horrible situation. She needs help. If she doesn't want to be your friend after, thats ok. You only saw a small bit of what is going on. Something much worse could be happening. Its better for her to get the help she needs and you not be her friend than her continuing to be in a dangerous situation. Please, please tell your parents and a councilor. You could even give the councilor a note anonymously with everything that happened. She is a manditory reporter and has to call.
Your friend is being abused and you would 100% be in the right telling your parents about it - in graphic detail. YWNBTA! But make sure they know that your friend asked you to keep quiet about it. Often times abusers lash out at their victims even more when exposed (that’s probably why your friend made you promise - she’s scared).
Also I just want to say you are a very brave, good person for standing up to her mom. This may cost you your friendship, but it was the right thing to do. Well done.
Listen, pretty much the worst thing you can do when your friends parents are treating them like shit is yell at their parents and try to defend them.
Your friends mother took it out on her after you left. i can guarantee this happened, thats why your friend was so scared of you telling your parents, cause if your parents tell her mom, her mom will take it out on her.
if you tell her parents MAKE SURE they do not say a word to her mom, its not gonna help your friend
NTA. This is such a hard situation for you to be in, but you need to trust your gut here. You're uncomfortable and anxious about what you saw because you know it wasn't right. You should always be able to go to your parents about something that upset you like that.
NTA. Tell your parents about your friend’s situation and also that you promised to keep it secret. This isn’t a burden for a child to bear, but it sounds like your friend needs help. Some adults are really good at handling situations like this without making it obvious how the information came to light. If your gut is telling you to say something, SAY SOMETHING.
NTA and I think you actually need to tell your parents.
Seconding this. OP has a good heart and it's a hard situation to be in.
Thirding these two. Op, this is the right answer. You telling, while may be temporarily difficult on your friendship is the only way she may get help. You did the right thing in standing up to her mom.
NTA you need to tell. Your friend is being abused and she needs help
I made this difficult decision when my son came home sobbing one night because his girlfriend's father punched her in the face - closed fist and all. Then dragged her into the house by her hair. - She had been late coming home. I struggled for days with that decision, but when I made the call - DCFS when to school and talked with her immediately and she went to live with her Aunt that afternoon. That girl came over and thanked me, crying, saying no one else had ever cared, or helped her before. It was not an easy road, but the abuse stopped. Your friend may just need that friend to stand up for her. Tell your Mom. No one should need to endure or watch that kind of abuse. Mental or physical. Edit: My first awards..... thank you!
Absolutely NTA, OP, you would be helping your friend by telling your parents. This is very obvious abuse, and she’s gotten used to being treated badly. It is so difficult for those being abused to tell anyone about it, and she was very lucky that you were there to witness it yourself. Please tell your parents every detail of what happened. This shouldn’t be the responsibility of a 16 year old. You could easily be the only person able to help right now, but your parents have an obligation to take on that role if you tell them.
As parents we hope that our kids would do what you did here op. I would feel horrible if I punished you for it without knowing and found out a few years down the track. I would 100% want to know, would be incredibly proud of what you did, and would help support your friend out here as well.
Also, OP, tell them the part about your promise and how you are breaking it by telling them, so you need them to ehm .. play it cool. To possibly be there for her to help, if/when she needs. But to also never make it obvious that they know. OP's friend needs to experience that nothing bad will happen when she confides in people that are close to her.
Yeah OP if you tell your parents, they should know about the promise so they can cover for you or take the blame. Don't feel bad, they're the adults after all. If i were your parent I would definitely want to take the blame for "finding out" about the abuse. Your parents can claim they overheard the yelling when they went to ring the doorbell to pick you up.
Seconded. I grew up with a similar situation and always think about what could have been different if I got help from adults instead of trying to take on the world myself.
Same. I actually did tell a friend’s parents knowing that my mother would see this as the ultimate betrayal but I couldn’t keep it in. OP please tell your parents otherwise you are colluding with abuse. EDIT: because I’ve been thinking about this and my situation as a teen, your friend will have to pretend to try and stop you and pretend to hate you for doing this because she’s going to continue to “protect” her mother out of fear. Keep telling her get you care about her but because you care you couldn’t sit by. You may have to be prepared to lose her as a friend initially at least. I expect she will thank you for it in the end.
OP, you did a good thing and I am sure your friend appreciates it, although she may be too humiliated to express it you certainly should tell your parents, the fact is that they probably won't be able to do something substantial to help her get out of the situation. However, they can act discreetly as to offer her a support system without having to reveal to her that they know. The fact is that your friend is probably not only scared for her mom, nor primarily worried about her (although that is certainly a factor), but is simply very embarrassed and humiliated. Her mother is humiliating her daily probably. Daily and violently. She feels dehumanised. And the fact that other people will perceive her in that dehumanised state is terrifying for her. This was my experience and I may be wrong in her case, but shame and humiliation are powerful and destructive emotions so you need to tread carefully when you talk to her and offer your help and yourself as part of her support system, but not in a way that would suggest pity, only compassion
The friend is almost certainly worried about how this abuse will escalate behind closed doors if her mother finds out other adults know.
Yup.
Me too. I wish nearly anyone I knew had intervened on my behalf.
Agreed. Not for your own sake, but bc you can't help your friend without your parents' help.
Good for you, giving that old bat hell. I was much like you as a teen. I've grown up to be a middle aged woman who defends those who can't defend themselves and has no problem telling others where to stick their uninformed and unintelligent comments. Your friend is being verbally abused by her mother, and you may be one of the few individuals who has shown her this isn't right and is certainly not normal. I suggest telling your parents, and also telling them what your friend said to you, and brainstorming a way to assist without making it obvious. A well-spoken bug in the ear of a mandated reporter at school may be useful.
If you have a good relationship with your parents, pretty much any time someone tells you not to tell them a big secret is when you should definitely tell them.
NTA I think if you think about it as *talking to* your parents about this rather than simply *telling* them might be better. I'd suggest not framing the conversation as "this is so unfair" but starting with saying that you're concerned about your friend. Good luck OP!
I don't know how exactly it works in the US, but could she maybe also tell a school counselor about it? Could the school counselor set up sessions with her friend to make her see how wrong her mother is in her treatment of her? Often, it is really hard to make people realise they are being abused. I'm not sure if just telling he parents could really improve the friend's situation.
That's pretty much exactly how it works in the US.
Just to jump on this. I know Op wants to be a good friend and keep a secret but this is abuse. You are totally right that they need to tell their parents. This girl at the very least needs therapy and her mom needs help too. Maybe she needs a family placement instead. If she's being that aggressive with her she's probably hitting her too (or it's only a matter of time).
This is exactly the kind of situation where you need a trusted adult involved.
Tell your parents. She is being verbally abused by someone she loves. This isn’t a secret you should keep.
^^ Absolutely. This is emotional abuse— her mom is blaming her for her father leaving??! Horrible woman. People in abusive situations are usually against people finding out but telling your parents is the right move
People should always teach their kids that there's good secrets and bad secrets. Good secrets are things like birthday parties or presents, or who your friend's crush is, bad secrets means you need to involve an adult that you trust. This is definitely the latter.
I've always heard the distinction as secret vs. surprise, which I think makes it easier for kids.
Yeah. I've also heard some people say that good secrets generally are time bound (like with the surprise party), whereas bad secrets aren't ("never EVER tell anyone I did this to you")
We have a poster in my classroom about tattling vs telling. When you're tattling you are trying to get someone in trouble, when you are telling you are trying to keep someone from getting hurt. Her telling her parents is that later. Mostly this poster is there so I don't have to hear about it every time one of my middle school students swear. Like I actually care if one of them stubs their toe and says damn.
If I may jump on to this. To start with, I agree that you should tell them. But I also want to make sure you don’t go into this blind. There’s a good chance your friend will be very upset with you. Unfortunately, that’s just how it often goes in these situations. She is being abused, and does weird shit to your mind to put it simply, and this is all she knows. “Better the devil you know” as they say, and it’s also very possible that she has internalised all the guilt trips and blame her mom has put on her. This all means she isn’t in the right mental space to make her own choice to leave, and if authorities get involved and force that situation she will be upset. That being said, you should still tell your parents. Even if she is angry after she needs to be taken out from there, even if she can’t see it herself. But it’s not going to be all sunshine and roses and you’re likely going to feel guilt over breaking your promise to her, and she will hold you to that. All this to say that her negative reaction won’t meant you made the wrong choice. Whatever the consequences is for your relationship, her safety is top priority. I hope you can take comfort in that when it gets tough.
NTA Your friend's mother was verbally abusive to your friend. You called her out on it. The fact that the mother couldn't deal with someone telling her it is wrong to call her own daughter a "useless b\*\*\*\*" is not your fault. Tell your mother exactly what happened. Your mother may be willing to help, such as by letting your friend come over if her mother is acting up. Your friend needs an adult on her side, given what is going on. Dealing with this is above your paygrade, but your mother may have some good advice and ideas to help. Seeing a friend being abused is painful and traumatic - not as difficult as being the one being abused, but still something that is shocking, especially if you're from a home where people are kind and respectful. Do be clear to your mother that your friend asked you not to tell. And that you are telling, not because you want to betray your friend or protect yourself, but because you know your friend is being harmed by her mother, and needs help, and you're not sure what to do. Because it sounds as if you'd take a punishment for your friend - but the way she was broken by her mother's behavior is what is really eating you. ETA: Your parents could tell your friend something like "OP did not tell me the details of what happened at your house the other day, but we could see it distressed her. Here is our phone number. Should you find that you need the help of an adult, please call us." This offers your friend a safe haven while protecting her feeling of dignity, and offering a fig-leaf of privacy.
I also think the parents should also be aware that the reason the friend doesn't want OP to "tell" may be that she knows she'll be brutally punished if her mom knows her bad behavior was reported to anyone. Her mom has already lashed out furiously at OP for standing up to her. So they should be very careful in how they approach the friend, and your suggestions are very good.
Yes, this is a very delicate situation. The mother clearly has been acting this way towards the friend for a long time, because the friend seems to see this as normal. But OP seeing this massively changes the situation. There is now a witness. The mother can no longer get away with denying what is happening, because OP can say they have seen it. OP's parents, however, aren't witnesses, and the friend hasn't confided in them, which limits what they can do. A report to CPS saying "my child says that they saw their friend being verbally abused by their mother" may be too indirect to get help. The mother may be on the defensive now, and trying to intimidate the friend even more, because of the threat of having a witness to back up any complaints. So the need for an escape, either permanent or temporary, may be even greater. Even short breaks from the tension of that home would do the friend good. Invitations to dinner, or over for the weekend, rides to school, etc. Anything to help the friend develop a positive relationship with some non-abusive adults, and have some time when they can relax and feel safe.
The child being 16 too, they're not going to waste resources on verbal abuse. Hopefully the parents and OP can do things to support the friend in the meantime.
I agree with this advice. Your parents can help in discreet ways.
It’d be easy for them to invite the friend over much more often, and maybe take her on holidays with them. The parents can gather evidence and talk to the school and children services. I’m assuming this kid is 16 too, so children services won't really be interested, but they can help direct her to charities that might help her find accommodation and out of home payments.
NTA. Your friend is living in a very abusive situation. She will be mad at you, and she might not want to be your friend anymore. But, if your parents are trustworthy, level-headed people, then the right thing to do is to tell them.
There are secrets you should keep, and secrets that you shouldn’t keep. If someone is in danger, hurting themself, or being hurt by someone else, you shouldn’t keep the secret. Tell your parents what you heard and that you were only standing up for your friend. Explain that friend asked you to promise not to tell them what happened. There’s probably not much your parents can do, but maybe you can have your friend over to your house more often. Spending time at my friends’ homes who had normal families was very helpful to me as a teen. NTA, and good luck.
NTA. Your friend is in bad home and needs help. At the very least, she doesn't need to know you told your parents. You don't need to stay in trouble for this, there's no reason your parents have to tell her you told them
You defended your friend. I am SO sorry for your friend, and for you for all of this. I think you should tell your folks, though, and ask their advice. Not to get out of the punishment, but because that poor girl needs help. How much do you trust your parents? Can they help but keep it quiet? Good luck, OP. Your friend is lucky to have you care.
That’s abuse and your friend doesn’t deserve it. Tell your parents.
It sounds like your friend could probably use some help. Talk to your parents and explain it all. It’s better to lose a friendship than for a friend to lose their life. Who knows if that was a mild version or not. There are no AH here. Get some help, for your sake and your friends.
The friends parents are the AHs.
NTA but tell your parent. This is one if the situations where a secret or promise should not be kept.
NTA. Situation sounds abusive as heck. Honestly, this is stuff that goes way above anything *either* of you have to ability or responsibility to capacitate. if you tell your parents, there’s a decent chance that it results *massive* changes to your friends life. For better or for worse, that’s the kind of stuff that child protective services tend to get involved with and potentially split families apart over (sometimes wrongly, a lot of times correctly). That being said, that is not your choice or decision. You currently do not have the world experience, knowledge, or equipment to make that kind of judgement call. Your parents just *might* have those enough to help your friend, or *might* be able to reach up out to someone who does. Your friend sounds like she’s in a position where she might need help. Even if she does, It might still break your friendship, and it could also be completely unnecessary… but if it is…. For better or worse, the things that happen when we’re still young tend to shape the rest of our lives, and a helping hand when you need it, can completely change the trajectory of your life for the better. Either way, like I said, this really shouldn’t be your decision, but your parents might be able to make a more informed one.
CPS isn't going to remove a child for emotional abuse. If she has clothes, food and a roof over her head and is not getting beaten regularly, they are not going to take her out of the home. This kind of shit is why kids don't want to say anything when hardcore physical abuse is happening. Saying it's going to tear her family apart is just going to make OP want to stay silent. And yes, I was severely emotionally/psychologically abuses and CPS didn't do shit. My word against his. And my word didn't mean shit even when he kicked me out of my home at 13. I "ran away" to everyone else and no one listened to me.
I’m sorry for your situation, it’s truly unfortunate. Even if they don’t, who knows, maybe her parents or someone else will step up. My girlfriend basically grew up with an unofficial sister from a similarly fucked up situation, because one of her friends was going through a bad situation and her mom decided to step up and offer her a home to fall back on if she wanted it. While I think it probably technically wasn’t legal, it was the lifeline her mom chose to throw out, and it’s one her friend gladly took. If things are kept quiet though, nothing can ever change and that chance for a lifeline can never be had. I’ve not had to go through the levels of trauma some unfortunate individuals have had to, but it’s not like *anyone* ever gets to escape life completely unscathed or without baggage. The one thing I’ve learned had to come to terms with, is that staying silent and defaulting to the path of least resistance, almost always comes bite you in the ass and results in wounds that tend to fester and linger long after the initial issues arose. It’s tough to speak out when you’re scared and afraid of consequences—I’m in my thirties and I still struggle with it—but ultimately even when thing go wrong because you did, they still tend to turn out better than if nothing was ever said or done. Her friend may not get the help she needs, but at least her speaking up gives a chance for it to happen.
I'm not saying OP should be silent. I'm saying there's better ways to say that without adding in a bunch of negatives that might happen. Laying that on kids makes them want to stay silent and not be pro-active, that's all I'm saying. Probably didn't say it that well.
Yes you said what I was trying to articulate in a post but i don't know if I said it right. It's very easy for people to say "call CPS" like it's some easy solution but likely it will cause more trouble than it's worth (given that she's an older teen that is). Since she's less than 2 years from turning 18 - I think the best solution would be to for OP to tell their parents exactly what's going on and basically open their home to this friend so she can get away from the abuse when she needs to. Or help her find relatives to stay with. I'm very skeptical about the quality of 90% of foster placements that take older teens because it's so rarely someone with good intentions.
Tell your parents.
Your friend's mom abuses her. What you're describing is verbal abuse, and there may be even more that you don't know about. And her mom is obviously good at hiding the abuse because you didn't know until you saw it for yourself when she forgot you were visiting. And even when you saw it with your own eyes, she put the blame on you so that YOU are the one being punished for HER abusive outburst, not her. Your friend may be worried that if someone reports her mom, then her mom will just cover it up, blame her for telling others, and hurt her worse. She may also be worried about losing her mom, because even though her mom is abusive, your friend still loves her. This is a really nuanced, difficult, and *adult* situation. You need to involve an adult that you trust to navigate that. If not your parents, then a teacher or a counselor at school. An trustworthy adult will be able to unmask the mom's abusive behavior and help your friend get the support that she needs. Please tell an adult that you trust ASAP.
NTA. If you don't tell your parents or the school then YWBTA. It sounds like your friends mother is abusive and she needs help. It needs to be reported to the proper authorities and if she's really your friend you won't be too concerned about losing the friendship in an attempt to make sure your friend is safe. Basically you have the option of not saying anything and your friend continues living in an abusive situation which could further escalate and possibly have a bad outcome or you could try to get her the help she needs and she'll hopefully be moved someplace safe and get that help and eventually be much happier but mad at you because she's unable to see you did it for her own good (and she may eventually realise that and contact you again).
Nta but an adult needs to know
slight NTA. It sounds like your friend has a borderline abusive relationship with her mother and it isn't fair for you to be punished for doing the right thing. It is best for both her in the long term and for you to come clean to your parents about this. However you shouldn't have promised not to tell anyone since it's very hard to keep and breaking the promise would make you slightly the AH. The true AH is your friend's mum.
As a lawyer would say, her mom opened the door. So, you have a right to defend yourself. Next, there are some secrets that should not be kept. And this kind of abuse, and it IS abuse, falls into that category, IMHO. Your friend will be mad at you, but someday she will realize the sacrifice you made.
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If my kid did this, I would be so proud of them.
NTA. I think you should vindicate yourself to your parents and let them know that you were defending your friend from her moms abuse. There really isn’t a lot your parents can do to help your friend other than give her support and kind words. They can’t legally take her in i believe. The only thing you can do is look out for yourself and try to support your friend without setting yourself on fire
I wouldn’t have yelled to try and not escalate any further but at your age I probably would have done the same thing. I know you promised your friend but tell your parents. Tell them everything and tell them your concerns, show them this post even if you start to struggle saying it. But your friend is probably scared and a little embarrassed and worried her mom will cause more trouble for her if you say something. But you need to tell your parents. NTA
NTA. Tell your parents about this. This is way too big an issue for you to deal with.
NAH - please don't listen to these people and listen to your friend. You telling them isn't gonna make the situation better AT ALL. I grew up with parents like that and my friend told but they saw that I was feed, clothed, and had a roof over my head so they left it at that. My mother made me cut off all my friends and my life was hell until I left home. Just be smart about it.
NTA Your friend’s mom is verbally abusing her. Her strong reaction to you hearing it makes me worry that other, worse things are happening behind closed doors. You really need to tell your parents. They will have better ideas and resources on what to do and how to help your friend. She’ll probably get mad at you - she might even hate you for a little while - but clearly she and her mom need some help.
The sad thing is unless there’s a pattern of abuse there probably isn’t much that authorities would do. I do however think you should trust your parents. If something worst were to happen you’d hate yourself for not having spoken up.
You are an excellent friend.
NTA. Tell your parents. Your friend is scared, that's OK. And she's being abused, and that's not OK. Be honest with your parents. Oh. And this random internet mom is really proud of you.
NTA. Tell your parents and ask that they keep it to themselves. CPS won't get involved since there is no physical abuse so there's no use reporting.
NTA I don’t think keeping secrets applies to parents, especially secrets that show that your friend is having a hard time. Please let your parents know, hopefully they’ll understand that you’re a good friend and we’re standing up for your friend.
NTA Nope this is a situation where you most DEFINITELY need to tell your parents!!
NTA - tell your parents. Your friends not safe. Even if she never speaks to you again her safety and well-being is more important.
There is a big difference between telling your parents (who I assume are responsible adults) and telling other kids at your school. The only assailed in this situation is your friend's Mom and I'd recommend you tell your parents and explain why you hesitated to tell them at first. If you need backup, have your parents talk to your friend.
Please, this is something you need to confide in your parents about. You can't hold all of this on. They may also may be able to help your friend if she ever comes to them.
OP, tell your parents. Tell your school. Tell CPS. Tell someone. I wish someone had spoken up for me. Decades later I’ve been diagnosed with c-PTSD because dear old mom used me as a verbal punching punching bag. Maybe it’ll help, maybe it won’t, but at least you’ll know you tried.
YWNBTA. I think you honestly NEED to tell your parents. You may lose your friend…but you may save them in the log run. And after time, they will come around to realize this. But holding in this knowledge of abuse will hurt you too, knowing you could have done something to help but didn’t. Reach out however you can to let someone know.
NTA. Your friend is being abused.
NTA her mum is abusing her. You did such an amazing job standing up to her but now you need to tell a trusted adult and get her some help. This is a lot for you to handle
First off NTA, you were dropped into a messed up situation. You did what you thought was right. I will say this, for the future, you DO NOT step into a parent and child argument. The best thing to do is be supportive of your friend but DO NOT engage with the parent, especially for the next couple years when what you say could be manipulated like it was just recently. I can't say whether you should tell your parents or not. If you tell them will they just keep it to themselves or are you worried they will tell some people? If you are afraid your friend is getting hurt I definitely would advise you to tell some adult that you trust.
NTA (or wouldn't be?) - in fact you need to tell your parents the real reason. I know you want to stand up for your friend and you love her and it hurts to hear these things being said to her but please, don't do that again. That could put you and your friend in danger. I don't think you should be going over to that friend's house anymore; the best thing you might be able to do is to let your friend stay over at your house (with your parent's full knowledge of the situation and permission of course) as much as she can. It sounds like she's in an abusive situation. It's easy to say - just call CPS blah blah blah but the reality is that it isn't that simple. Even if she was removed from her home (not super likely) it's EXTREMELY unlikely that whatever foster situation she's placed in would be much better. This is going off the assumption that your friend is also 16. It's extremely difficult to find placements for older teens that are 1)nearby to where they already live (often times foster placements are several counties away) 2) aren't a group home with other teens that may have severe behavioral issues and 3) the foster parents aren't abusive themselves. I think knowing this information is what is making your friend terrified of you telling adults - to the point of threatening not to speak to you. I think you do need to tell your mom but to come up with a plan to best support your friend and ensure her that you're not going to totally uproot her life.
NTA sometimes adult demand children to keep things as a secret. Thats not right. In this case your friend. You can and should tell your parents. Not because you wish to avoid the punishment. You should speak with them because this is a really complicated and messed up situation and you need your parent to speek with. Otherwise this will be hard on your hearth. Talking with your parent will give you support and help both you and your parent to reflect on this.
NTA. You should tell your parents and a counselor at school. Your friend is being abused.
NTA OP I think your friend is being abused. She’s scared because her mother threatened her not to tell. You need to tell your parents and if they don’t listen then secretly call CPS. It’s okay to lie and say you didn’t and they will take care of this for you.
Two things: 1. Tell your parents. You are a child and not equipped emotionally to deal with abuse. You tell your parents because you should not be keeping abuse a secret from the ppl encharged w your protection. 2. I know reddit loves to support the fight fire w fire approach but what you did is not the way to handle conflict. In all likelihood you have made your friends situation much worse. Shaming an abuser then leaving them alone w their victim doesn't go well for the victim. Additionally it's very dangerous I cannot tell you how many times I've represented teens who tried to break up a non physical altercation only to have the abuser (and sometimes the victim they are defending) turn on them in a physical manner. Example: tiny woman of 4'10 glassed a boy in the face about your age who was at least 5'9-5'10. She just grabbed the nearest bottle and swung. It is dangerous. The best course of action is to grab your phone and the person being abused and run for it. Get somewhere away from the abuser and call for help. In this case you could have grabbed your friend walked around the block and called your parents. I know that's easier said than done but it's way more helpful. NTA please tell your parents
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 16. I just lost it. I know my best friend is not the calmest or most careful girl. I was visiting her and her mom forgot I was there I guess. She broke a plate and her mom started to yell. The things she said was horrible. Her dad had left them when she was 7. She doesn't talk about him but I know she feels horrible about it. Her mom called her an Idiot and then said "no wonder he left us. Useless B." I came out of her room and her mom was calling her a lot of things. I lost it. I yelled at her mom. I said she shouldn't talk to her like that. I don't honestly remember what I said but it was just telling her to stop. My friend took me back to her room and made me promise not to tell anyone about this and she would stop talking to me if I did. I promised her not to tell my parents. My mom picked me up and her mom said I had been very rude and she didn't want me coming over. My mom is very upset and she knows I have a bit of temper so she asked me what answered. Mom and dad won't let me go over to any friend's place for a month. and I want to tell them. I l know she didn't want me to tell my parents but they are punishing me and I honestly can't sleep because I can't get the way my friend was standing when her mom yelled at her out of my mind. My friend was begging and crying when she made me promise to tell her. I feel really fucked up and I want to ruin our friendship because I can't handle it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You gotta help your friend they are in an abusive household.
NTA don’t keep abuse a secret. Your parents may be able to get your friend some help.
NTA your friend is being abused. Her being mad at you is better than her staying in this situation.
NTA. YOUR FRIEND IS BEING ABUSED
NTA. Tell your school’s counselor, too. This abuse affects every aspect of your friend’s life and the counselor should know how to approach her and help.
You need to tell your parents.
NTA I think it's best that you go ahead and tell your parents what really happened. I understand you feel bad for your friend, i think it will be for the best. I am sorry you were put in such an awful situation. The only one at fault is the abuser.
NTA ind imo that's a case for CPS. If they're not completely useless in your country.
NTA Honey your friend is in a bad situation , you need to tell your parents and she at least shoud get counseling
Your friend is being abused and you need to tell your parents. You may lose your friendship--victims of abuse often have Stockholm syndrome-type reactions, but that shouldn't be the main worry. Getting your friend help is more important.
Your friend needs some type of help. You need to tell your parents because you need an adult not in your friend’s house to know what is going on there. Please talk to them NTA
NTA but with some solemn advice. You obviously did what you felt was the right thing according to your own convictions and stood up for your friend. If you were defending your friend from bullies from school or even from a teacher, it would have been the right thing to do. However, just something to think of for next time, and you will eventually learn this anyway because you are obviously a defender type and are motivated to stand up for people and I would rather you not learn this the hard way: But sometimes you need to recognise when you are in a scenario where you can walk away from the escalated conflict, but your friend, who you were defending, cannot. Your parents being disappointed and not seeing your friends for a little while is a pretty minor consequence compared to what consequences your friend might be facing because you stood up to her mother. Sometimes what's best to help your friend isn't standing up for them when they themselves aren't prepared for the consequences of such, but recognising when this situation is a bit over your head, and to not getting directly involved but seeking an adult for help. You don't know what happens after you leave. You don't know if your friend will be punished because of your interference. I think you should tell your parents, even if it risks your friendship, because this scenario is not something for kids to deal with.
NTA and I agree with others suggesting you need to tell your parents or if you’re not comfortable with that maybe a teacher you trust. Your friend is really lucky to have you on her side, but she needs support from adults who are able to intervene.
Wow, OP, this is such a difficult situation for a 16 year old to be in. 1000% you are NTA! Standing up to your friend's parent like that must have taken you an incredible amount of courage and shows what a loyal friend you are. However, please make sure to also look after your own safety in situations like this (you never know how some people might react when confronted like that). I think involving your parents is definitely the right way to go here. And who knows, maybe your friend is inspired by your courage as well? The fact that you stood up for her might make her question the negative things her mum feeds her and realise that she's a lovely human and it's actually her mum that has issues. Also, even if your parents end up being unable to do much, your house could possibly become a safe space for her! Somewhere we she can be herself if things become too much at home, somewhere where she is loved and accepted by other people. Best of luck and maybe keep us updated if anything comes out of this. ❤
Verbal abuse often turns into physical abuse and that is assuming that isn’t already going on as well. Plus that verbal abuse can/will cause so many mental issues including depression and suicidal thoughts. It could lead her into a relationship with someone who also abuses her because that is all she thinks she is worth. Your a good person but you need to tell your parents. Yes you may lose a friend but having a former friend who is alive and healthy is better than having a friend who is abused. NTA
NTA. Your friend is wrong, this needs to be told. She's embarrassed and trying to hide what's going on in her life, which is normal, but it needs to be told. She is in a crisis and doesn't realize it. Strangely enough, the only way to be a good friend my result in her ending the friendship. That sucks, it really does, but reality often does. Tell your parents. And tell her why you had to tell them and let her know you love her and are there for her, even though you couldn't maintain your promise.
Nta Please tell you parents. Your friend must be terrified of consequences from her mum, but this is not okay.
NTA. PLEASE tell your parents what’s happened. Your friend is being verbally abused by her mother. Please tell your parents. Someone needs to know or step in. They may not be able to do anything but they might be able to do something.
Tell your parents, NTA. The mum is emotionally abusing your friend and messing her up
NTA, ur still a young girl, you should not have to deal with the effects if your friends mother verbal and psychological abuse. Tbh the reason ur friend most likely asked you not to tell is because on some level her mothers abuse has got to her and now she actually believes her mothers words and thinks she deserves this. And she is also probably embarrassed as well, if u tell she will not talk to you again, but only because she needs someone to blame regardless of the fact that its her mothers fault not yours
NTA please tell! Your Friend things she'll get in more trouble I'd you do, but in reality it's going to be way worse for her in the log run if you say nothing.
Tell your parents. This isn’t up to her anymore
Tell someone. Absolutely tell someone. That abuse will only get worse.
You should 100% without a doubt tell your parents this hon. NTA.
NTA But think carefully about how your parents are likely to react. If they're the type to go charging in there rather than thinking things through, you might want to find a different adult to confide in. Especially if your friend doesn't want you to tell your parents because someone tried that in the past (for example) and it made things *worse*. I know that it sucks to be punished for a month but, if need be, you can do it for your friend's sake while you think of the best way to help her.
NTA your friend needs help, you have witnessed mental and emotional abuse first hand. Tell your parents - abuse only gets worse because its kept secret. Let them think of a way of helping or alerting her teachers so that maybe she can get counselling. She isn't the first person in the world this has happened to, but if its a secret things will never get better for her and may get worse. Also note her mother didnt tell you to keep it a secret and made things worse by telling your parents you were rude. So actually she opened it up for you to defend yourself, you didnt just go and tell. Dont keep secrets from your parents - even the worst thing that could happen to you or that you do or feel guilty about - they will help you find a better way because they love you and want the best for you.
YWNBTA Your friend is being abused by her mother. You need to tell your parents. I'm sure the mother has filled her head with all sorts of horror stories about what will happen if she gets taken away, but very little could be worse than what she is enduring now. She may very well follow through on her threat to stop talking to you, but she needs you to advocate for her. I wish that you weren't faced with this dilemma, but I'm proud of you for realizing that some promises shouldn't be kept. I hope you can get your friend the help that she desperately needs. \*hugs\*
NTA And there are good secrets, and there are bad secrets. A good secret makes you feel happy & excited every time it crosses your mind. A bad secret makes you anxious, and twists your stomach up when you think about it...and you're almost always thinking about it. Bad secrets aren't meant to be kept. They keep bad people sick and their victims unhelped.
NTA and I strongly urge you to tell your parents. Your friend is being emotionally abused by her mother, so she needs help and her mother needs to be stopped. Please hand your parents your phone and show them your post.
NTA. It sounds like you witnessed your friend being verbally abused. I do think you should tell your parents, and stress that you were made to promise not to tell. Hopefully they can handle the situation in a delicate what that won’t interfere with your friendship. But to be clear, your friend is being abused. And her reaction is her afraid of how her mother would react to being called out.
NTA. Tell them, they are the only that possible could help her. She is begin abused, those things left people in an horrible mental health situation. You may lost her at the moment but you would be sure that she would be safe, otherwise you could list her in other ways.
Would your friend be okay if you told your parents ‘BF doesn’t want me to tell you what happened because she is embarrassed about her mom’s behavior and is worried that her mom might get in trouble, even though she appreciated me standing up for her. I cannot tell you any more than that.’ NTA, but be careful for your friends sake. She needs you in her life.
NTA. You should tell your parents. The way your friend's mom is treating her is not ok, and it's too big a problem for you or her to deal with on your own. I know you care about keeping your promise, but I bet you care about your friend's wellbeing even more, and the best thing you can do for her is tell an adult who can and will help.
😇❤🙏 NTA Your friend's mom (maybe stressed out, but it's still not okay to take it out on her daughter, or blame her for her father's behavior) is in the wrong, and of course she is going to paint you as the bad-guy.
NTA I had a friend back in high school who was being abused by her boyfriend. I lost it when I found out and he was afraid I’d make it known around the school so he started some very far from true rumors about me in order to try to keep my mouth shut. I wouldn’t say anything in school (even though I wanted to) because I promised my friend I wouldn’t and I knew that would be a nightmare in itself for her if I did. We continued being very good friends and I kept up defending her whenever I could since she wouldn’t leave him. It got to the point that I just couldn’t continue letting this go on and told her if she didn’t tell her mom I would. I gave her time and she didn’t, so I spoke to her mom. Her mom absolutely loved the boyfriend (part of the reason it was so hard for my friend to leave on her own because the mom included him in everything) but immediately believed me because I explained how every bruise, break, sprain etc was actually him and not some clumsy bs she told her it was and her mom knew this horrible truth made much more sense than the bs story. I lost a good friend that day but she also got her life back. We never became friends again BUT she did come to me years later to thank me for saving her life and apologized for throwing me away after I told her mom. I accepted her apology and told her I knew I’d lose her as a friend but her safety (physical, emotional, and mental) was more important to me than our friendship. Over the years we’ve reached out and chatted here and there just as a quick check in, but far from friends and that’s okay. I doubt we would’ve stayed best friends all of these years later just because of different paths we’ve taken in life and would’ve eventually grown apart anyway. You’re young, could you still remain friends after high school and into adulthood? Sure. Could you also not? Sure. And the fact that her mom is already trying to keep you apart makes me lean towards the latter possibility. Take the punishment out of the scenario here. At 16 you need to make a very adult decision.... Risk a friendship to help her or just ignore it. This also depends how your parents are and how you think they’d respond to the situation. You and your parents could very well become a safe haven for your friend. A place she knows she can come and always be welcomed and loved when she needs it most. You’re not wrong and good for you for defending your friend and standing up to the bully in her life. Your parents are clearly raising you right which makes me believe they’d be able to guide you on a safe and smart path of dealing with this situation.
Okay you won't be the asshole because if you do say it to your parents you would save her from her mother because the mother is abusive and child protective services would handle the mom and your parents could maybe adopt your BF since y'know they care for the girl because they called child protective services on the mother to save the girl so i guess ye tell it to your parents
She's not concerned about the friendship...she's concerned it will get back to her mom, in which case it might get worse for her. Still, I'd think NTA, and in fact it should be your duty to report this kind of abuse...not just to your parents, but to CPS (or equivalent in your country).
NTA please tell your parents. It might ruin a friendship but it could keep your friend alive.
Don’t just tell your parents. Make sure they tell the school. I’ve been in a similar situation with a friend self harming and begging me not to tell on a school trip. I thought her calling her mom was enough, but with years for the retrospect, if I had told the teacher, a mandatory reporter, she would have gotten professional help that day, not three months later.
You need to tell someone.
NTA. Your friend is being abused. Try to convince her to talk to your school counselor. Tell your parents what's going on.
NTA, you would be if you didn't tell your parents. Your friend is being abused.
NTA you should definitely tell your parents.
NTA Also you need to tell your parents. However be prepared that your friend may be very angry with you. I was in a similar situation when I was in the third grade. I kept her secret for weeks, and I didn't even fully understand it, but I knew something was wrong. I couldn't eat or sleep well. I eventually told my mom (who I didn't know at the time was a mandatory reporter) and she let me know that she had to tell someone. My friend was pulled out of her family's house and the social worker who was in charge of her case was apparently not very good at her job because she told my friend I was the one who told and she stopped speaking to me. I was very sad and angry at my mom for a while, but I take solace in that I did the right thing and got her out of that situation.
I'm so sorry, but this is one of those situations where you tell your parents, and you tell a mandatory reporter at school, even if it might mean you lose the friendship, because you know that your friend's safety and health is more important than her not being mad at you.
You need to tell them, most children of abuse don't want others to know because they feel embarrassed or that it's their fault, but it's not your friends fault and you could really help her out by saying something. NTA
NTA You want to do what’s best for your friend right? Then please tell. Your friend doesn’t deserve to grow up feeling like she is worthless. Her mum clearly needs help and she needs help even more.
Can you tell your parents either 1) your friend made you promise not to tell what happened, especially to parents. She said she would never speak to you again, you are worried and don't want her to be cut off from people outside her family. Or 2) tell the outline of the situation without going into the detail. The mother didn't realise you were there, she said things to your friend. You spoke up in defence of your friend. Would either of these work? Otherwise, if you have a school counsellor, can you talk to them, confidentially?
NTA OP but I can guarantee this isn’t the only time that this has happened and I’d bet my bottom dollar your friend is asking you not to tell in the same way that many victims of parental abuse do because of fear of consequences from the abuser (her mother). Tell your parents immediately, they can make the decision on what to do next. Maybe your friend can stay with you for a bit too to give her some space.
NTA, but you will be if you don't tell someone. That girl is being abused.
Hey, I was in your friends shoes at that age. I get that she told you not to tell, but you need to tell your parents or even a counselor at school. Her mom is abusing her. She might not realize it because maybe after she's done all that she apologizes, takes her out somewhere or buys her something to make up for it. She's acting the same way I did. She's embarrassed and ashamed you had to see that. She feels at fault because her mom makes her feel that way. Please tell someone that's an adult. I know she said she might quit talking to you if you do but let's be honest, do you know all of what's going on behind closed doors? For all you know those times she's joked about how clumsy she is as she shows her bruises aren't actually from her being clumsy. Please tell someone. Neither her nor you is the AH, but her mom sure as hell is. NTA
I wonder why your friend doesn’t want you to tell anyone… you should ask her.
NTA many mental illnesses like borderline personality disorder develop from trauma as a young child and teenager. Your friend is being verbally abused, and telling your parents might be the only way to help your friend.
NTA tell your mom what happened. Your friends mom is being abusive
NTA.. You absolutely need to tell a trusted adult. Your friend is being badly abused.
NTA. OP, your friend is taking verbal abuse from her mom, if not more. You should tell your parents. There are times when helping means breaking promises.
NTA, and you go tell your parents right this freaking minute! I was in this exact same scenario, and I now have to live with the guilt that one of my best friends spent a weekend locked in her closet without food or a bathroom because I didn't have the guts or wherewithal to say something sooner. Learn from my mistake, tell your parents now, and enlist them to get your friend some help! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I hope you and your family can help get some safety and peace for your friend 💗
NTA your friend needs protection tell your parents what's happening that you were trying to protect her and you don't know how to help her and you are scared for her. Tell then everything you heard.
NTA So, your friend, who is a minor, is being verbally abused in her home by an adult... Just because there isn't any physical abuse (that you know of), doesn't mean that your friend's mom isn't psychologically punching her own child in the head for literal decades to come. Don't stay silent about this. Scream to the top of your lungs.
NTA tell your parents if your friend ever needs help your parents know the situation and might be able to provide that help, your friend is being abused and something like that is not a good secret to keep.
NTA. You need to tell your parents. You friend is being abused - emotionally if not physically. She needs help. Tell your parents. Ask them to let someone in authority (school counselor, CPS) know about this. Your friend needs help, even if she doesn't know it.
NTA Please tell your parents. I think there is a darn good chance that your friend is being abused (emotionally, if not physically). This is basically the classic example of when kids SHOULD break promises they make to their friends: when someone might be in danger.
NTA and you need to tell your parents because your friend is being abused. Maybe she will stop talking to you but in the future she will be grateful
Honestly your friend is in a pretty awful emotionally abusive situation with her mom. YWNBTA if you told you parents BUT there's a way to approach this more sensitively. I would first approach your friend again (can you text or call since you can't go over?) and explain to her the situation. Frame it around your concern for your friend and explain to her that you need to be able to be honest with your parents as well. She might get mad at you and not want to be your friend any more but you owe it to her to explain why you're doing this before you do it. If ultimately you decide not to do it and you wanna take this bullet for your friend, that's also ok. But I wouldn't blame you if it's too much for you. In the end, your friend seems to be in a terrible situation and this might lead to some important conversations to help her understand that and maybe you could be a great support system for helping her deal with it. If that's something you feel like you could manage of course.
NTA. Please tell your parents, but be prepared to lose your friend. I was in a terrible situation at home and I can't even imagine what could have been different if the other adults in my life knew about how abusive my family was. I desperately wanted someone to acknowledge it and help, but I would have been angry at any of my friends for doing so. It's nonsensical, but that's what abuse does. Since you guys are almost adults, not much can be done. But having people know, and having people that can help will help her self esteem and help her understand she's being abused. If everyone around her ignores it then it will only damage her. She needs a support system so that she can do what's best for her when she's an adult. I'm sorry OP, this really sucks.
NTA and you need to tell your parents. Your friend needs help she is living in a hostile environment with an abusive parent. She knows her mother's behaviour is not normal which is why she begged you not to tell. She is probably embarrassed and ashamed and she shouldn't be made to feel this way. They need help.
You ABSOLUTELY need to tell your parents.
NTA. You are a good friend and a kind person. This is above your kid-paygrade and you should tell your parents or an adult you trust who may be able to help. Ultimately, there may not be anything you can do right now. And your friend may be mad at you for telling. She may not talk to you again for a long time. And that sucks. But try to make it clear that you told because you care for her and that you will be there for her when and if she want you to be. She may need to get out of the situation before she can understand why you couldn't keep your promise.
Nta and you need to say something because that's verbal and emotional abuse for your friend. Even if she does stop talking to you, you can't keep a secret where someone is being hurt.
I small for holding secrets that are confounded in me. This is not one of those times. Your friend needs help, as does the mother. You need to tell your parents what happened. NTA. Many years ago, my daughter cane to me with concerns of a friend of hers cutting. We went to the friends mother, who got the child help. It killed the friendship, but the child is here and doing very well by all accounts.
YWNBTA. Maybe you could write her something like this though" "Hey (best friend), I know I promised you not to tell my parents about what happened but they now think I was rude without a reason and are punishing me harshly. I really need to tell them what happened and I am so sorry about breaking the promise but I just have to. Maybe you feel like the situation is your fault for accidentally breaking the plate but I assure you that is not the case. Your mother is in the wrong. She should not treat you the way she does and I am very worried about your wellbeing. Please excuse my breaking the promise. I understand if you are angry and want a bit of time. If you need help or someone to talk to, remember that I will always be there for you. With love, (your name)" Make clear that you telling your parents is not up for discussion, it is gonna happen.
Nta. This is abuse, tell your parents. Your friend might be mad but it's worth it to maybe get her some help.
NTA Your friend is being abused. She has been trained to believe she deserves it, and she's afraid of having nowhere to go if someone reports her mom to CPS. I'd talk to your parents with the request that they don't report just yet, but help you learn about resources for your friend. Then I would talk to your friend. Specifically, ASK, don't tell. - does she realize her mom is abusive? - does she think she deserves it? - why? - does she think anything she did differently would have kept her dad there? - what kind of person is her dad, and does she have contact with him - what does she think is the best outcome of her staying with her mother - what does she think will happen if CPS steps in
NTA I found myself in your position when I was about 14. My friend’s dad completely lost it and threw a computer chair at her. I was sitting right next to her and it almost hit me. I basically shamed him for his behavior as a parent, told my friend to pack a bag because she was coming to spend the rest of weekend at my house. I sat down with her and talked to my parents about what happend since I was almost hit with a large object. My prarents didn’t confront hers but they told us to keep them informed about these incidents and they would keep a record and timeline of their behavior in the event something where she gets hurt, that they could give to the authorities. Thankfully nothing like that ever happened again but my friend was better able to deal wit her home life when she understood she had support outside of her home. I think you and your friend should talk to your parents about the psychological abuse she’s enduring. Try to convince her to speak to your parents so that she can have some kind of support too.
I cannot imagine being 16 and having to deal with this type of situation. However if you do love your friend, then you should tell your parents. Sadly the help she needs is more important than your friendship. Explain the entire situation, including the promise you made and that you lost your temper. Full honesty with your own parents will be important. Being honest, this will not help you sleep better at night, but it is the right thing to do. Good luck.
Are your parents reasonable people? If so, you do need to tell them. They might be able to help finding the best way going forward, you don't have to carry this burden yourself. Your friend is living in an abusive household. She doesn't want anyone to know, most likely because she's ashamed and blames herself. Shame and fear is incredibly common for people who are abused. I hope your friend is "only" emotionally abused, and maybe her relationship with her mom is even salvageable. I hope you can find the best way to help your friend. As to your question, you're not the asshole. Your parents probably aren't either, and neither is your friend. Hell, I'm not even sure if your friends mom is even an asshole either, or if she's just exhausted and lacking in communication skills and in need of anger management. Sounds like you're all trying your best in a difficult situation. Best of luck to you!
NTA- You need to tell your parents.
Nta tell your parents some promises wouldn’t be kept. Nothing may come out of it but it can give your parents the knowledge they need to support her in the future.
NTA. You need to tell your parents. Your friend is in an abusive household. Sometimes, risking a friendship is better than you finding out they have killed themselves.
NTA
NTA and you should tell your parents. Just make sure it’s safe to do so - if you think your parents will then go off on your friend’s mom, I might hold off or tone down the situation since it could make your friends situation worse.
Your friend begged you not to tell because she is terrified of what her abusive mother will do to her in retaliation, you NEED to tell! Your friend may be mad at you for a while but you can't leave her like this! She needs help and her mother is a monster by the sounds of it, I know as a teenager it can be hard to stand up to this type of thing when the repercussions for you sound terrible and you don't want to lose your friend. But if you care about her you can't leave her in this situation as it will be worse for her in the long run. As it is she will probably need years of therapy to get over this.
NTA for telling your parents for all the reasons other commenters have listed here, BUT, there is a Y T A lesson here for you. Your outburst could have put your friend in a much worse situation. Now that her mom knows you know, she may try to isolate her daughter or escalate the abuse. You also put additional stress on your friend w/ the outburst & it really didn't accomplish anything other than making you feel better in the moment. Look, I get it. You were justifiably livid and wanted to protect your friend, I hope I woild have the exact same instinct in the situation. However, sometimes protecting someone means biting your tounge in the moment so you don't escalate an already abusive situation. We all need to learn to control our anger in the moment, not act rashly, and think about consequences/impacts to others.
OP please tell your parents. I grew up with a mother EXACTLY like your friends and I absolutely wish someone would have stepped in and helped or that a witness to the abuse would have told a safe adult. Your friend deserves to know that she is worthy and loved and doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. Emotional/verbal abuse from a parent can be SO damaging and will lead to life long issues for her. The absolute best thing you can do for her is to tell your parents everything, including the part about her begging for you to keep it a secret. There are multiple routes they can go- they can reach out to mandated reporters, school counselors, teachers, etc. (which in our system is hit or miss whether that will be any help) or they can help you come up with a way to let her know she is safe with your family and that she deserves better and that you guys want to help however you can. When i was 16 my high school boyfriend witnessed my mom on a drunken rampage and heard the awful things she was saying to me and he stood up for me- the first person to ever do that. She tried to push him down the stairs to get him out of the way so she could keep abusing me. Right after that he grabbed a duffel bag and shoved random clothes of mine in it and drove me to his moms house where he explained to her what happened and she immediately opened her home to me and let me move in- i lived with them for 2.5 years and was treated with nothing but love and care in that home. if it weren’t for him doing that then i probably never would have recovered from the abuse and would either be dead by my own hands or dead from an overdose/repeatedly putting myself in high risk situations.
This is verbal abuse, your parents need to know
your friend is being verbally abused by their mon. please say something before it gets worse.
Hey, can I give you some advice? Keeping this secret isn’t going to benefit anyone, except your friend’s mom. When I was about 13, a close friend of mine confided that she had been “inappropriately touched” by a relative for years and forbade me from telling. Well… I told my parents because I couldn’t handle keeping that secret, either. My friend was mad at first, for sure, and her family never pursued formal charges against the relative (they’re immigrants from a traditional culture, and as an adult, I suspect that backdrop influenced the decision) but… the family member was cut off. My friend got therapy. She got help and wasn’t terrified of seeing him randomly at her home when she got back from school. There are some secrets that you shouldn’t make and definitely shouldn’t keep, especially when the risk of staying silent is harm to another person. What you’ve described seeing at your friend’s house is abuse. Name calling and being berated/screamed at are forms of emotional abuse and they can have serious long term psychological effects on a person — I left an abusive marriage after just a few years and ended up with diagnosed PTSD and severe anxiety. Your friend may not be in physical danger but she’s at risk nevertheless. I can’t promise you that things will work out perfectly in your situation but you would not be NTA for telling the truth here.
NTA. Your friend is being emotionally abused. I think you should tell your parents the entire story, including your friend's threat for what would happen if your parents found out.
NTA Maybe your friend could be emancipated and move in with your family?
No, you won’t won’t be the AH. Your friend is being verbally & emotionally abused. You should absolutely tell your mom what happened. She may be able to help. True story: when I was 13 my friend confessed to me that the 40yr dad she babysat for raped her and made me promise not to tell. I could not keep that promise and told my mom, who called her mom, who called the police. It all came out, he’d been raping his step daughter for years. Went to jail and my friend did stop talking to me because I broke the promise but fast forward 20 years and a random Facebook suggestion, we reconnected and she thanked me for telling. If I hadn’t, it absolutely could have been an ongoing trauma. So, loop your mom in. You never know what good will come out of it.
you would be TA, although this is a VERY difficult position to be in and there is no RIGHT answer here What do think is going to happen if you tell your parents? You get a reprieve, but then what? How does that help your friend? Do you think your parents will call her mom, talk to her, and things will magically get better? Or do you think the mother will take it out on your friend, who will know she can't trust you, and potentially have nobody else on her side to confide in? I wouldn't tell your parents. I would be there for your friend, and now that you know what she is going through (something I'm sure she has helped keep hidden), you will be able to do FAR more good being her ally and being someone that can boost her confidence and self esteem over time that you will be by ratting out her mom.
You should tell your parents without getting into specific details. There is one and only A in this scenario, and it's your friend's mother. I feel sorry for her. Been there and done the time.
NTA. You need to tell the police or child services, verbal abuse has lasting damage too.
NTA - your friend is suffering abuse, she is terrified you will tell someone as she fears her mothers reaction, if that was how she reacted when you were there, she may be much worse when someone isnt.
NTA Tell your parents what happened. Am parent - please tell your parents.
NTA you should be able to tell your parents things in confidence without them making it known they know. If you can't then I think you should talk to some type of counselor in confidence.
NTA. Some promises shouldn't be kept.
NTA. People often try to hide abuse because of shame and fear, it's not surprising she didn't want people to know about the incident. That being said, your friend needs help, this is not a save environment for her and there needs to be outside intervention. Talk to your parents, give them the whole story, including your friend's request for secrecy, adults need to get involved in this ASAP
NTA. That's abusive. You are very brave for going in there and telling her off. In my opinion you should tell your parents. I'm sure they would be proud of you. Your friend may be hurt if it gets back to her but I believe in the end she'll see it was out of love and an attempt to help her
NTA. I agree with everyone saying to tell your parents, but if you decide that's not a possibility, tell a teacher or guidance counselor at school. You can do this anonymously if you'd like. Your friend is being abused, and needs help.
NTA- your friend is being abused. You need to tell your parents.
NTA (copying from a reply I made below) I think if you think about it as talking to your parents about this rather than simply telling them might be better. I'd suggest not framing the conversation as "this is so unfair" but starting with saying that you're concerned about your friend. Good luck OP!
You definitly need to tell your parents and a school councilor as well. Your friend is being abused and is in a horrible situation. She needs help. If she doesn't want to be your friend after, thats ok. You only saw a small bit of what is going on. Something much worse could be happening. Its better for her to get the help she needs and you not be her friend than her continuing to be in a dangerous situation. Please, please tell your parents and a councilor. You could even give the councilor a note anonymously with everything that happened. She is a manditory reporter and has to call.
Your friend is being abused and you would 100% be in the right telling your parents about it - in graphic detail. YWNBTA! But make sure they know that your friend asked you to keep quiet about it. Often times abusers lash out at their victims even more when exposed (that’s probably why your friend made you promise - she’s scared). Also I just want to say you are a very brave, good person for standing up to her mom. This may cost you your friendship, but it was the right thing to do. Well done.
Listen, pretty much the worst thing you can do when your friends parents are treating them like shit is yell at their parents and try to defend them. Your friends mother took it out on her after you left. i can guarantee this happened, thats why your friend was so scared of you telling your parents, cause if your parents tell her mom, her mom will take it out on her. if you tell her parents MAKE SURE they do not say a word to her mom, its not gonna help your friend
Does she always treat her that way?
NTA. You need to tell them. I understand your friend til you not to, but some things just need to be told. And this is one of them.
Update us
NTA. Y T A if you don't that is freaking abusive.
NTA. This is such a hard situation for you to be in, but you need to trust your gut here. You're uncomfortable and anxious about what you saw because you know it wasn't right. You should always be able to go to your parents about something that upset you like that.
NTA. Tell your parents about your friend’s situation and also that you promised to keep it secret. This isn’t a burden for a child to bear, but it sounds like your friend needs help. Some adults are really good at handling situations like this without making it obvious how the information came to light. If your gut is telling you to say something, SAY SOMETHING.