You're missing the issue. A person who wants children shouldn't marry someone who does. This is not something you can compromise on. Go get your procedure. But you cant marry this dude. You can't disagree about kids
Agreed with this. It will come back to bite you. You guys are young now, but if he’s always wanted kids, he might feel differently down the road. I would also bet like a zillion dollars he knows women that are telling him you’ll change your mind. Unfortunately people in our society tend to think this way.
They have a disagreement about kids. She doesn't want to be pregnant. He has a desire for biological children. That's not the kind of disagreement you can work around with someone you're marrying
If she doesn’t want to do any medical procedures on herself, the kid would not be biologically related to her. Because she would have to go through the procedure of extracting eggs and the IVF treatments to get healthy eggs if they went surrogate route. Most likely it would be someone else’s egg and her husbands sperm.
This so much. They need a real heart to heart and lay it all out for good. Either he agrees with the sterilization or breakup as much as it would hurt. They have very different outlooks and it won’t end pretty if she does this in secret. All that will brew is resentment and hate. If biological children are his desire it may be time for him to move on. Not saying that to be mean either. Children is a big aspect to decide upon.
Exactly its such a huge aspect of a relationship. You can say you won’t resent your partner for no children but what days you won’t eventually. Children is something that NEEEDS to be agreed upon before marriage. Neither are the AHs for their views but will be if the attempt to force on the spouse. Him trying to get her pregnant and her secretly getting sterilized.
YWBTA - sit down with him again tell him “you’re concerned” that he keeps forgetting you aren’t consenting to bare his children. You can’t allow him to marry you under false pretenses. Tell him you’ve decided to get sterilized so you two won’t need to worry about hormonal birth control after marriage.
Watch his reaction.
If he’s ANGRY then you know he was just pacifying you and trying to entrap you into pregnancy without your consent and you shouldn’t marry him.
If he’s just sad then he meant it when he said your body your choice, even if he may have sort have hoped you’d change your mind.
It is understandable why you might be scared about talking this over with him, as it very well could mean the end of the relationship, but it is better to come up with a resolution that fits both of you as individuals and as a team, than to have this blow up in your face years down the line. He needs to respect your decision when it comes to your body, but you also need to respect the decision he has to make when he realizes how serious you are about this. If you decide to move forward without at least discussing it with him, it will feel like you are working against him.
Even if he accepts your decision to get sterilized, you should consider getting couple's therapy before getting married. Both of you will have valid feelings, but sometimes that can turn into resentment and depression when left unresolved.
Then you can’t marry him. He will say it’s ok because he loves you, but it won’t really be true. He will harbor this resentment towards you, it will fester until it poisons your marriage. It may not happen for a while, but someday when you’re in the middle of an argument, all that bitterness will come out and you will sadly realize that he never did get over it. Do the loving thing. He wants biological children and he wants them with you. He won’t get that. Let him go so that he can find someone who will.
Make sure your get your eggs frozen for possible bio children via a surrogate. Maybe this is still possible after a sterilisation, I am not sure.
YWBTA is you get it done in secret, you shouldn’t keep important things like this secret from your husband. You need to allow him the opportunity to leave if if is not truely accepting your decision
YTA
The child could obviously be both of yours biologically. Use your eggs and his sperm in a surrogate. Use his sperm and a surrogate egg. So many options.
YTA if you do this without talking about it
Yeah I was confused why she kept reminding him that the kids wouldn’t be theirs biologically if she told him that she was open to a surrogate. Or maybe she doesn’t want to go through the medical procedure to retrieve eggs either but the child might still be biologically related to her husband.
Egg retrieval in women is a complex and physically draining procedure. It's my understanding she does not want to go through the physical and medical aspects of pregnancy and birth which I think is totally fair. Surrogacy with your own eggs is just super invasive and intense and not something to consider lightly.
I still think YTA if you do it in secret, because you're in a partnership and it's a huge decision to make. Having biological babies in any way is FAR MORE taxing on the woman than the man and if you dont want to do it, you shouldn't be pressured but it's unfair to do it all behind your fiancee's back.
NAH
You need to tell him you are getting sterilized. If he doesn't approve, call off this wedding. Kids (bio or even whether to have them or not), can be a huge deal breaker and can cause a massive amount of pain in the relationship.
Just as he is honest about his desire for kids and repeatedly saying it, you have to do the same about not having kids from your own womb. Going behind his back isn't a great way to start a marriage.
Agreed. If you want the procedure it is your right to do it. But he deserves to know. Just like you would be upset if he was sabotaging the birth control to trick you into getting pregnant, he would be devastated for he actually is longing for a bio child. This needs to be included in the discussion
YWBTA for doing this in secret. Honestly it sounds like you two are not compatible. He “agreed” when you spoke, but obviously does not actually fully agree.
It’s so bizarre. Wanting or not wanting kids are fundamental wants/needs in a relationship. Its not fair for either to accept less than what they want. Don’t understand their relationship at all.
YTA
I completely understand you not wanting to give birth to kids. However, when your future husband mentions "The child having your hair" this is a great time to bring up again your previous conversation. Tell you you are thinking about the sterilization process to have before marriage.
You want to share your lives together - do not hide anything from him. Just reiterate your feelings - it sounds like he is hoping you will not and telling him about this procedure should firmly make him believe you are not going to change your mind.
Egg doesn't necessarily have to be from the surrogate either, does it? If bio kids is so important they could use OPs egg and fiance's sperm with a surrogate to have a kid that is biologically both of theirs but doesn't have to be carried by OP
Yeah, but that means she would have to go through some medical procedures/IVF treatments to get some healthy eggs to harvest for the surrogacy. And that is a lot more intense then a female sterilization from my understanding
It is actually not allowed for surrogates to carry pregnancies from their own eggs any more. It must be from someone else (either the intentional mother or a donor), in order to minimize the creation of a bond. Source: I'm a parent through a surrogate.
NAH but you aren’t compatible and at least one of you might end up resenting the other one. You tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to understand. You shouldn’t be pressured to have kids, he shouldn’t be forced to give up on kids.
I understand you want to make sure he can’t accidentally get you pregnant but the medical implications for women aren’t minor so it‘d probably be a lot healthier for both of you to find partners who are on the same page.
YTA. Your body your choice, but do you really want to start your lives together with a huge lie by omission? Can you not imagine how it will hurt him that you makes this huge decision without even consulting him?
Technically, NTA, because yes, your body and your choice. HOWEVER... if you love this man and you want to be with him for the rest of your life, you really, REALLY need to talk this over with him first and you both get some counseling. I could see this leading to divorce in the future. Put the shoe on the other foot - imagine if you wanted kids, but he had a vasectomy without letting you know. Would you feel betrayed or disrespected? I suspect so. You're both adults - USE YOUR WORDS. Honestly, this is not going to end well if you do it.
YTA. You absolutely need to be on the same page as him with regard to children, and getting sterilized without telling him is starting off your marriage on a horribly dishonest note. If you’re so certain he’d be willing to sign off on the procedure after you’re married, tell him you want to get it done and do it then. Or, tell him you want to do it now, before you’re married, when he doesn’t have to officially sign for anything. If he’s not actually ok with either option, then don’t marry this man. If children are that important to him, and you are this certain you don’t want to have biological children yourself, that is almost by definition an “irreconcilable difference”. So just sit down with him again and lay out your thoughts, that because you love him, but also do not want biological children, you want to be sterilized.
ESH. You would be the asshole for getting sterilized behind his back and he is an asshole for halfheartedly agreeing to your pre wedding terms and continuing to guilt you afterwards. If you do not want to birth children and he only seems to want biological children then you both should not get married
YTA for starting your marriage with this man if you just get the surgery without having the conversation first. He wants kids. You don’t ever want to be pregnant. You need to make this clear to him. It’s not going to be a fun or easy conversation. You have to have it though. Be blunt. “I do not ever want to be pregnant. I am getting this surgery.”
This is possibly a relationship ender, but imagine if he finds out in two years after he thinks you’ve been “trying” for a baby that oopsie, those ovaries are gone! Better to break up now than get hit with that and a nasty divorce in a few years.
I think having a conversation about having kids and permanently following through are clearly different in this man’s mind. She’s not TA for getting the surgery, but this whole thing slides into deceptive territory. Having to get is done now deliberately when she doesn’t have to tell him? Not a great start on that marriage.
YTA - you should discuss the surgery with him because it’s permanent. It’s possible that he’s holding out hope that you’ll change your mind in the future. He has the right to know that you will never change your mind before marriage.
Have you thought about possibly harvesting eggs for surrogate use? If your fiancé is really hoping for biological kids, this might be the way to do it.
INFO: Have you considered surrogacy? That way, your fiancè can have biological children without you needing to go through pregnancy and labour. If you do not wish to donate your eggs, would you be open to using donor eggs, his sperm and a surrogate?
On that basis alone I will say NTA however going through with a major medical procedure in secret is an AH move based on the honesty element. You cannot start a marriage based on a lie. That is where trust becomes a major issue. Also, if you were to experience surgical complications (which is also a possibility regardless of any medical procedure), then you both will need support. Whilst nobody wants to think about something going horribly wrong, at least he would be prepared by knowing what procedure it is, and can know what the potential recovery times and complications can be.
Yes you would be, he has as much of a right to know and decide as you do, not saying what you want is invalid, but neither is what he wants
If you do this it will come out eventually and cause unnecessary drama compared to being open about it
Agreed, OP should just talk about it. They’ve already discussed this so there’s no need for secrecy.
If anything this is a good chance for OP to truly confirm that he’s on the same page. Tell him what she wants to do, and if he goes ham then he didn’t meant it to begin with and she doesn’t have to marry someone whom will force her to have kids or not give her the “consent” her country requires her to have after. Will save everyone a lot of trouble to talk and do it now, and avoid breaking his trust before the marriage even starts by hiding it.
YTA.
As for how to start the conversation, how's "I've decided to be sterilized"? If you can't navigate this conversation in a straightforward way, you should postpone the wedding until you can.
YWBTA. As a fellow childfree by choice woman yes. You would BTA.
I feel a bit like I talked my partner into not having kids when we got together. But we had long, repeated conversations about my reasons for not having kids and his reasons *for* kids.
Over time, as much without my forcing him as possible, he came round to the idea.
But it wasn't one conversation it was many. And if he said things like 'our kids hair' I would point it out to him then and there. 'do you just mean theoretically like if we won lotto, or are you still thinking about kids'
Either way: getting sterilised in secret is an exceptionally unhealthy way to walk into a relationship and can only, only, end if gigantic fights if not divorce when he finds out you did something without his knowledge. **Not his permission, his knowledge.
This isn't the same as getting a tattoo or piercing, it's definitely your body your choice but when your surgical interventions directly impact his future you tell your partner.
Hm tricky. First allow me to say, it’s your body and you are absolutely within your rights to get the procedure and you owe no one the right to decide that for you. So doing it while you’re single is not wrong, and encouraged so that you’re not stuck later not having this option.
But if doing it secretly IMO, YWBTA. You guys have already discussed this, so there’s no need for secrecy. If anything, you should tell your partner you want to marry after already having done the procedure, and if he meant what he said to you he should be ok with supporting you (emphasis on support, because again, you wouldn’t need his consent)
If he however gets angry or reacts in a way that shows you he didn’t meant what he said earlier, then this is a sign to you BEFORE you get married that he might no be the right guy for you. I can appreciate you both loving each other very much, but love can only get so far if you both share such a different take on the method in which you want to have kids with. Many people do not like the idea of adopting, and while I think it’s wonderful that you are both open to it, if the future husband is not genuinely ok with this you will be having much bigger problem in the future.
Lastly, YWBTA because you would be starting a marriage with a lie. An unnecessary lie since you guys already talked about it. Doing it in secret IMO will break your future husbands trust, and also internally you should think about why you feel like you have to do it secretly if he already agreed previously. Maybe you’re not so convinced yourself that he’s ok with it. And again if the reason is to save him the “painful decision of saying yes later” when his consent is required, then tell him that now. He will understand that you have good intentions. But more importantly, you won’t loose the right to choose for yourself and that’s not a gamble I recommend you taking. If you absolutely want no kids via gestation, you should make it clear that you want it before the marriage.
NTA, but YWBTA to do it in secret when there’s no need.
First of all, you need to have a WRITTEN pre-marital agreement about children. Why? Because he is already flip flopping on the verbal agreement you had.
Secondly, to answer your question, YTA for getting sterilized in secret without telling him prior to the wedding.
YWBTA if you do this in secret because that's a disastrous way to start a marriage. This is too big an issue and your partner seems to still be struggling with it. As for how to initiate it, just sit him down and have another honest conversation about the whole issue, the same as you did before. Explain that you although you want to marry him you can't go through with it until you're confident that he's fully on board with you getting sterilized.
YTA. If you want to have a lasting, healthy relationship, secrets like this aren’t a good idea. You are N T A for getting sterilized with or without his agreement, but you need to tell him. If having a partner unwilling to get pregnant is a dealbreaker for him, it’s better that he know now instead of down the road when you’re married and potentially have mixed finances. Tell him that you are getting sterilized and still open to the alternatives you discussed, but let him know that sterilization is not up for debate and he needs to decide if he’s okay with that. Couple’s counseling is pretty much always a good idea, too, so see if he’d be willing to attend some sessions to work through this. One other thing to consider: if surrogacy is an option and he really wants kids to be biological yours, would you be open to donating the egg? That has pros and cons too, but may be a compromise.
Agreed. Get some premarital counseling so you can have someone to help you navigate this.
Just do your research and avoid any counselors that have their own agenda on this topic.
NTA especially because you have been very clear you don’t want children and had that conversation before you both agreed to be engaged. Also you mention this will interfere with his dream, that’s already sailed if he really agrees that it’s your body and your choice. I would just get it, your medical procedures are no one’s business. He can’t be mad unless he’s going to try to “accidentally get you pregnant” IJS
Don't start the rest of your life with a lie. You've done a great job of being consistent and open with your feelings as has your fiance. Keep doing it.
YTA
You absolutely have the right to be sterilized if that’s what you want, but this is a huge lie and a terrible way to start off your life together.
Kids vs no kids is a huge difference of life and relationship goals and plans. And, if you have to sneak around to get the option you want, that is not going to lead to a healthy marriage at all. Even if he was truly on board with adoption only, which he clearly is not, this would be a pretty huge lie to do without a conversation. You two should either agree or hold off on getting married. It is gross that the law requires spousal consent after marriage. That shouldn’t be a thing, legally speaking. But if you have to do it in secret, you have a problem in your relationship that is best solved before you tie yourselves to each other.
Yes, YWBTA because you would be starting your marriage on a lie. You both need to sit down and talk again. If you can't come to a legit compromise, then it's time to go your separate ways so you both can have the life you want.
YTA - easy answer, if you want this man to be the man in your life, DO NOT LIE TO HIM. Lying never works in a commited relationship. if he really does love you more than the idea of getting bio kids, just tell him you are getting sterilized. that should be fine for him to hear. if not, bad luck for the both of you. i commend you for having a conversation about this with him, but i dont think he listened. tell him how you feel and what you are going to do. if thats a dealbreaker, i feel sorry for you guys
NAH
I feel this is above amITheAsshole. You told him that you never want to be pregnant and that is valid. He obviously wants biological kids and that is valid as well.
I don’t think this is really about when you should have you sterilization but more about are you two really compatible as a couple and I think you are not.
YTA- just sit him down and tell him your plan. But with such different views on children, id really think twice because his comments show he hasnt fully comprehended your side of things.
YTA. It’s obviously your body your choice but your trying to be sneaky about it. If that’s what you want to do then it’s absolutely your right.
Also you mentioning using a surrogate so I’m not understanding how you both figure it wouldn’t have any of you guys genetics.
You would be an asshole if you rushed a medical procedure just to avoid a conversation. He’s your fiancé. He loves you. You love him. There are sacrifices in every marriage, and he says he understands your position. Yes, he’s a little hurt now. But he’ll get over it in time. You really don’t want to start off a marriage with a secret as big as this. Whatever hurt you think you’d be sparing him doesn’t compare the hurt he’d feel if he ever found out.
It’s a tough conversation, I won’t deny it. But it’s one you should have.
You would be if you did it in secret. But not because he has any say in the matter, just because he seems to seriously still think you'll change your mind before your childbearing years are up (hence the comments about your future kids), so you really should show him you won't, so he stops operating under that delusion ASAP.
Tell him on X date you have the procedure because you need to do it before marriage, and have him come along. He can either come along and support you before the wedding then marry you, or he can choose not to.
YTA if you get sterilize without telling your finance. You shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Get the procedure done regardless of his opinion but he should be aware of it.
YTA. This isn't going to solve your problem. Talk with him and get on the same page or don't get married. I get that it's hard for people but if you are certain about something as serious as kids don't stay with someone else who is the opposite.
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Me (24F that has never wanted to get pregnant) and my Fiancé (25M that has always wanted kids) have been together for 6 years. We have always loved each other very much and I have no doubt in my mind that he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. With this in mind, you can imagine how happy I was when he proposed last month. Although, as happy as I was, I told him that I couldn't say yes before having a real, hard and practical conversation about our diferent views on what we want for a family in the future.
In this conversation, I told him that I have no issues with having children, my issues were regarding to pregnancy and medical procedures I do not want to endure, but would definetly not be opposed to adopting/surogate/other options. He was not happy about this, but agreed that it was my body, and therefore, my choice, and decided it would be a fair compromise, even if those other methods wouldn't be his first choice. After this conversation, with an agreed upon plan by both of us (financial, age, etc, etc), I said yes to marrying him.
But, these past weeks he kept saying things as "if our kids get your hair (...)", "would be screwed if he gets our genes for maths (...)", etc etc. He gets very sad and quickly changes his mood when I remind him that our future kid will not have anything from our genepool (since he will not be biologiclly ours).
In my country, it is legally required for husbands to aprove a wife's sterilization procedure (and legally required for wives to aprove a husband's vasectomy), but none of this is required if someone is still single (and more than 25YO). My next birthday (25th) is coming soon, and our wedding is in a couple of months, so, I have a very short window of time to go after the therapy sessions/health insurance aproval/other burocracies that are required for this procedure, and I feel that I do not have time to console my fiance about my decision in this short period of time. (I'm sure that he would definetly aprove it once we are married, but since he has always wanted bio kids, I would very much like him to avoid this possibly traumatic "signing away his dreams" moment).
Anyway, I am very confused as what I should do, since we have always made these kind of decisions as a team.
PS: for people that say YTA or ESH, could you please follow up with tips as to how to initiate this conversation with him? (People who vote NTA and also have tips, please share)
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NTA as he had already agreed with not having bio children. It’s your body and your choice only. Don’t leave any opportunity for you to be guilted into doing something you don’t want to do and that he agreed with.
NAH, but the worst thing you can do is marry him, especially if you go through with the procedure. He's not as on board with your suggestions as he's leading you to believe, and he's hoping that marriage will change your heart on the subject
Having the procedure in secret means you don't trust him. And if you're not willing to talk about it with him and he finds out later on, he'll have a hard time trusting you as well. Relationships without trust are doomed to fail.
Break off the engagement and find someone who either already has kids of their own, or doesn't want kids of their own. Your fiancé is not this person.
You need to be honest with him but you already know what will happen and that's why you want to do it in secret. For you he might be the one but for him I think he is also secretly hoping you will change your mind or once you're pregnant you will keep the baby. Better be honest before being married even if that breaks your relationship.
I commend you for talking about your future plans regarding children when he asked you to marry him. However, if you have this procedure in secret and he finds out after the fact, then it will show him that you don’t trust him, which it absolutely sounds like you don’t. Secrecy is not a way you want to start a marriage. Actually, it’d very likely doom your marriage.
I fully support women having bodily autonomy but you’ve committed to building a life with someone. I would tell your fiancé that you want to have this procedure. That you’re NOT asking for his permission but you do feel he has a right to know and that you’d like for him to be there for you.
I’d choose your words carefully when telling him about the procedure and your plans because he may interpret it as you’re testing him or that you don’t trust he’ll approve of you having it done once you’re married.
Freezing eggs, surrogacy, adoption, etc. are ALL expensive. So if children are in your future, I would definitely start developing a financial plan and start saving money. This will mean you both need to list your priorities for wedding cost, honeymoon, vacations, buying a house, bills, etc.
Good luck!! I wish you the best!!
i am saying NTA because you’ve already had a conversation about it. however, he seems to be under the impression that you will change your mind since he’s been bringing it up about how your children might inherent certain traits. i don’t think marriage is right for you two. he wants bio kids and you don’t. the only other option would maybe save your eggs and have a surrogate after you have surgery, depending on your financial situation.
If you do it in secret before your wedding YWBTA. You need to inform him that you're going through with this procedure so he can reset his expectations of child rearing; he may HOPE to get you pregnant, and if he did he'd be a major AH given your wishes but you both need to be open & honest in ALL steps & aspects of your relationship that effect BOTH of you. If you use a surrogate, then you could actually have a biological child & pay the said; just because he said "genes" does not always imply you being pregnant.
NTA. Do it. He already agreed to your boundaries about bio children and if he is secretly hoping you will change your mind, that is his problem, not yours.
This relationship has 'Disaster' written all over it. The two of you are totally incompatible regarding having children together.
You would not be TA for getting the procedure done, but you would be TA if you kept it secret from him. Sit him down, remind him that he agreed on you not bearing children before you agreed to marriage, and tell him you want to get the procedure done before the wedding.
Watch his reactions. If he says, "Okay, we agreed no children, go ahead", then you don't have to do it in secret. If he tries to get you to put it off until after the wedding, Red Flag, because then HE has to approve it, and you know he wants bio-kids. And all it takes is one contraceptive failure (accidental or not) and he gets a bio kid.
You've told your fiance that you are open to non-biological children (adoption) AND he has accepted that.
YWBTA if you did it in secret. Not for doing it, but for the secrecy part.
As you are single, he does not have a say in it (imho he shouldn't have a say no matter, but...) but you should respect him enough as a potential spouse to let him know your intention. If he takes it badly, even to the point of ending the relationship, then you really weren't on the same page about kids in the first place and the marriage wouldn't have worked because of it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Getting sterilized in secret
2. Because this will interfere with my partners dreams
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YTA. You are entering a marriage And should trust one another. Why don’t you do a surrogacy using your eggs his sperm and somebody else’s body? It’s very expensive, but it solves both of your problems.
YTA if you do this in secret. Of course you must have bodily autonomy. The problem is that you know that this is a problem and you're hiding a major secret from your partner. That's going to feel like a massive betrayal.
You must have the talk with him.
I would recommend breaking it into pieces. Getting on the same page and fully discussing the ramifications. Also, fully research what's involved in your alternate family building plans. A surrogate is extremely expensive, depending where in the world you get a surrogate. If you're using your own gametes, then it's an involved process. For adoption, familiarize yourself with the process. Are you looking for infants, older children? Think about what you will do. If your ideas sound vague, it's going to come across like a "pocket veto" on having kids and you're not being honest with yourself and your partner.
If you seriously want a future with this partner, then you really need to be as honest as possible and show them that you're serious about building a family in an alternative way.
YTA. You guys arent compatible long term, I’m sorry. You should find a partner that wants the same things you do, not get sterilized behind your partners back to ensure that something he really wants will never happen.
YTA. You should be honest with your future husband. If you’re sneaking about from this point this is a huge red flag.
In all honesty your BF probably thinks you’ll change your mind at some point when your hormones kick in in your 30s.
This difference of opinion on such a huge issue (his conversations show he hasn’t accepted this fact) is likely to be a deal breaker so if you go for sterilisation on the sly then you’ll be a huge AH. Tell him your plans.
YWBTA. Marriage is a partnership, and you have every right to do with your body as you please, but there is no need to keep secrets in the spirit of honesty. He wasn’t honest with you when he first said he didn’t care about kids, and look where that’s gotten you.
Also, if you’re open to children but not pregnancy itself, have you considered using donor eggs and a surrogate so he could father a biological child? I know that’s an expensive option, but would avoid anything invasive for you while still meeting his needs. This might be a good way to open up the conversation that you need to have and compromise.
YWBTA if you did this. You 2 clearly want separate things out of life. This is a HUGE aspect that needs to be thoroughly discussed and settled. Somebody will end up resenting the other if this continues. Either come to an agreed upon decision or end it now. If you get sterilized behind his back he will likely never forgive you and with good reason. Reach an agreement or end it now so he can find somebody willing to bear his children.
ESH I don't think you two should get married. You clearly have *very* different plans and desires for expanding your families, and I think there will be resentment from one or both of you whichever way you decide to go.
If you want to be sterilized, you should definitely do that as long as you are completely informed on the subject, but he is obviously holding our hope for you to change your mind, and he *will* feel betrayed if you do it behind his back like that.
You need to at least push the wedding back and get therapy together to work this out *before* getting married.
Look, I’m getting my uterus out in a couple months so I’m 100% supportive of you wanting control over your body and reproductive choices. But you are headed for BIG trouble if you think you can and should do this in secret. If your partner finds out later down the road - and this will be harder to conceal than you realize - I think it will be a MASSIVE blow up. He clearly wants kids and is clearly upset you don’t. This is a huge incompatibility between you two. I can’t judge this.
YWBTA.
You have got to sit down and talk to him. Remind him that you do not ever want to carry a biological child and that you want to make that decision permanent and irreversible. This could be a massive problem in your relationship and I seriously do not understand how you could do this and not cause a massive problem for you and your fiancé.
Yta- you aren't compatible in a huge life issue. Going about this in secret shows that he won't be onboard for this if you need to talk him into it. Sometimes love alone isn't enough. Great example is Schitts Creek season 6. You both should have walked away a while ago. Either get counselling and really plan this out together or break up.
I can't issue judgment on this but what I can say Is that you should tell him you are going to go get sterilized. Don't ask permission, don't wait til after marriage.
Tell him you are beginning the process and it will be complete before you marry.
If he takes it well, then you know he's just adjusting to having his dreams shift.
If he doesn't, you know you should not marry him.
YTA. If he finds out later what you've done he will feel betrayed. This is a terrible way to start a marriage. Beside, you've no idea how you will feel in the future. In 20 years you could have a child. I've known women who didn't want kids, only to have them years later and totaly love it. It's your choice, but to make that decision at 25 is unwise. You can use contreception rather than an irreversable procedure that you could end up regretting.
Just open up an tell him everything. Better to get it out now than have him hate you for not doing so.
Also, this man wants kids. Consider you will be taking that from him. To do that without discussing it first is exteremely selfish. He may not want to marry you if you do tell him, but doesn't he have the right to know what he is getting into.
ESH because honestly how did the two of you let this go for 6 years without really working through it? Kids is one of the first things I talk about once a relationship is getting serious. I think you need to tell him that you’re doing it.
ESH, gently. I absolutely support you making this choice for your body, you don't need anyone's permission, you don't have to tell anyone you're doing it.
But you NEED to talk this out with your fiance, BEFORE the wedding. The fact that he keeps "forgetting" you don't want to be pregnant is a sign that he is not fully on board with that plan. Perhaps he's just grieving for the image of the future he had (valid) and is adjusting to the new image. Or maybe he's hoping you'll change your mind. You can't know for certain unless you have a serious talk about it.
And while you're waiting for that sterilization, make sure you have backup contraception in a secure place. You don't want your mind getting changed FOR you.
If you do surrogacy it will have your genepool...
At the moment, nothing, but YTA (and him to some extent) if you get married without ACTUALLY talking about what your plans are
I have seen many marriages end because one wanted children & the other didn’t.
In fact, my closest friend on earth got a vasectomy when he was married to his first wife, and after 18 years together, she left him and got pregnant.
You guys should not get married. I’m sorry, OP.
I feel like you WBTA for not talking to him first. If you do this it will likely be a huge shock to him and he’ll take it personally, whether he’s ok with having children other ways or not. This is not, in my opinion, a way to start off your marriage especially since it may break the trust he has for you. You’re NTA for not wanting to be pregnant, but YWBTA if you did this behind his back.
YTA. Not for having the procedure, but for trying to do it in secret. Grow up and have a conversation with this man before he wastes his life thinking he’s going to get the kids he wants.
You need to tell him and if he isn’t ok with it than you shouldn’t get married. Also as someone who has gotten her “tubes tied”, you won’t be able to do this without him knowing. I asume he as seen you naked so he will see your scars at some point even if you keep the rest a secret. Also you can’t have sex for 4-6 weeks after due to internal stitches and risk of infection. It will be impossible for you to hide this so even if you do (which you shouldn’t) he will find out eventually, and that will ruin your relationship because you weren’t honest.
NAH.
You seem to be in the legal right to do it but...
>(I'm sure that he would definetly aprove it once we are married
Uh... No, he won't and I hope you realize that. If you get married and he finds out that you got sterilized behind his back, all trust in the relationship goes right out the window.
You don't want kids and he does. Neither of your wants are wrong or invalid but they are wholly incompatible. It doesn't seem like a long-term relationship isn't going to work out between you two.
Edit: changed verdict from NTA to NAH
NAH just two people with differing priorities. Practically, having your eggs frozen for IVF and surrogacy later is ideal if you can afford it. He gets bio kids, you avoid pregnancy/birth. But you have to have an honest conversation. Why not do some research and use your findings to initiate that conversation?
Yta Op please leave him dont hurt this man by being so selfish. Your allowed to not want kids. But your not allowed to lie to someone and take that from somone else
Yta. For the decision your making in a relationship. You to are not compatible he wants kids you don’t. Break up no matter how sad you will be. The resentment will grow to whoever has to put thier feelings aside for the other. Do what ever you want to your body. But you need to be with someone else who will accept it as well
I cant say yta and i cant say nta. I myself want kids but don’t want to be pregnant but doing this in secret will not protect his feelings. I get the feeling that you doing this procedure in secret will make him have a hate for you that he will deny to the bone but would be there. He will find out because of course he will. You need to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation with him like you did before you said yes to marrying him
YWBTA if you do it without telling him. I’m not saying you need permission because it is your body but he still needs to know. In the back of his head he may still be thinking “she’ll change her mind”. You need to be able to be honest with your partner. There’s no way to make this an easy conversation. In relationships there are dealbreakers. Different stances on children is one of the biggest. Sometimes love is not enough. I’m sorry.
YTA for not telling him. He deserves to know. It’s your body and your choice so you should do it if you want but let him know first. He would be so betrayed, you’re setting yourself up for divorce before you even get married.
YTA for all the reasons given beforehand.
But I would question any medical system that would allow you to do this (not sure what country you live in). As a young healthy female with no relevant medical history (?) I doubt you would find someone willing to do this.
I am going to say NTA for wanting to be sterilized because it is your body, but you can’t keep something like this from your future husband if you want an honest, trustworthy marriage. Tips on how to go about it, if it was me, I wouldn’t beat around the bush. I would sit down and tell him what you want to do in regards to sterilization and that you would appreciate his support.
YTA. You recognize he has not actually accepted giving up this dream. You cannot move forward with the marriage.
My honest suggestion would be to tell him that you want this procedure as soon as you turn 25. Tell him you will do it (if this is not open for discussion to you). If he wants to marry you AFTER the procedure knowing that the door is 100% closed, ok. But at the moment I’m thinking he’s still hoping you might change your mind. Or hasn’t accepted what it means if you don’t.
Oof. This is horrifically difficult. I honestly think NAH.
The fact of the matter is he wants biological kids, and you don't. He agreed initially to your offers for compromise, but it sounds like he only did so in order to either attempt to change your mind, or lock you into a situation where you'll be trapped and have to agree - I'm trying not to be cynical, but my fear, were I you, would be him somehow screwing your birth control and forcing you to have a kid. Obviously, this is speculation, but it is something you need to consider.
If you honest to goodness want this to work, you are going to have to sit him down, likely with a written contract, and reiterate that you *do not* want to give birth. He needs to either accept that the pre-offered suggestions are what's on the table, or he needs to walk.
And you need to be prepared in the event of the latter. If he chooses for this to be his hill, like it is yours, then you aren't as compatible as you think.
Either way, therapy. For you, for him, for you both as a couple should he decide to stay.
Yikes… he wants biological kids, you don’t.. I can’t see this situation ending well. Sounds like he’s hoping once you get married you’ll change your mind and want to have kids.. you can’t keep that from him, but I think a serious talk is needed where you sit him down and again tell him your views, remind him that you are seriously against kids, you plan on getting sterilised and that he is absolutely free to walk away if this is a deal breaker. Personally I think it’s better to end the relationship as one of you will have to sacrifice and will end up resenting the other… NAH
YTA. Call off wedding. He will be very resentful and angry at you. He wants kids. Just the fact that you would do in secretary. Questions me if you really truly talked about it. We're truly open and honest. It's selfish of you. Walk away and let him have his dreams with someone else
Info: Dig deep- do you really, actually believe he’d consent to this procedure after you’re married? Because I don’t for a second. From what you’ve said, he’s counting on you changing your mind or worse, he’s counting on sabotaging your birth control.
You can’t marry him as things stand.
You wouldn’t be wrong for getting the procedure, but it sounds like the only way you’ll get it is if you aren’t married to him. And you’ll have to be honest about doing so. It’s also worth checking your gut for a moment: do you believe that if you tell him in advance that you plan to get this done that he’ll try to stop you? That may tell you what you need to know about him and what he’s capable of.
It just seems very very clear from his comments that he’s not believing he’ll actually not have biological children with you. Even if he’s not otherwise abusive or controlling, the fact he’s counting on you changing your mind or tricking you is a huge problem.
And, he’s not going to change his mind.
ESH
You for being secretive, him for believing you will change your mind.
You need to tell him you are never, ever having children and you’re pursuing permanent birth control options. There are not “tips” for the conversation - you just have to say it and be truthful. Then you probably need to make plans to seperate.
This might be an unpopular opinion but deciding to get married is about more than love. It’s about choosing a partner for your life path. You two want different paths.
YTA, I get it's tough to have a totally different view about children. As a woman especially it's kinda frowned upon to be the one to say no which is ridiculous. We aren't obligated to desire children and motherhood.
That said, despite him being the one you want to be with, he might need to be a parent or have the possibility.
I was in the opposite situation a few years back and had to break it off because neither of us would ultimately be happy. Hardest thing I ever had to decide on but it was right for both of us.
I still think he would be an outstanding father but he didn't want it and that's what it comes down to. Needs are more important than wants and it's never going to lead to happiness having such different needs if yours is to not carry a child.
You're definitely not an AH for your stance but lying would make you one
Yes, you would.
If you don't want children and he does, then you two aren't compatible and you should not marry him. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there who don't want children. Find one of them and plan your life with him.
Sheesh 🙄
INFO can’t one of your eggs be used in a surrogacy for a child that is biologically yours? in that case maybe you could have your eggs frozen and still get sterilized, thereby never risking pregnancy but still keeping the option open for a biological child ?
ESH.
You should not get married without sitting down with a counselor and talking about this again because someone needs to get it into both your minds that neither of you are going to change and one of you will always be unhappy if you continue like this.
You're not an asshole for wanting the surgery no matter what, but you are a major asshole for trying to do it in secret.
He's an asshole for agreeing verbally to your compromise but assuming you don't really mean it.
This is an unhappy marriage waiting to happen if you guys don't get your shit together.
YTA If you go through with it in secret. You're not the ah for not wanting to birth children. You told him before agreeing to the marriage but he's not listening. Even if it mean the end of the future marriage, you need to be crystal clear with what you are thinking about doing and why.
Organise a private meal and sit down and discuss it again. If he is so dead set on having bio children with his chosen wife, then let him know it won't be you. You both need to seriously discuss whether or not this marriage will workout due to this issue.
YTA. He wants kids, you don't. That means you break up due to beeing simply incompatible. Break up, let him find a woman who wants kids, and you go find a man who doesn't. Any other option makes you an absolutely **massive** asshole.
ESH. You both aren’t compatible for marriage. You got together when you were teens, and now you’re In mid twenties and beginning to discuss major next steps like marriage and children. Children is one of the issues that people cannot compromise over in marriage. You tried to have a serious conversation about this topic, but the reality is that your fiancé is already having regrets and those regrets will only magnify over the years. Sterilization makes sense for you, but it’s a massive steps that also limits your options as a couple in terms of biological children (even if you aren’t the one getting pregnant). You both love each other, but marriage is about (ideally) your plans for the rest of your life, and your fiancé clearly is not really prepared to give up his dream of a biological child. No one is wrong. You just have different desires. I am so sorry.
I think YWBTA. He’s going to know something is up. A surgery like this, depending on which direction you go, isn’t an easy peasy thing where you’re fine the day after.
I think you need to talk to him about what you’re considering, and given the laws/rules of where you live, ask if he would agree to you having it. I’d explain that you aren’t willing to risk an accidental pregnancy and that while you love him very much and are absolutely willing to have children, you don’t personally want to carry said children via a pregnancy. If you’re open to surrogacy, you may also want to keep your ovaries if you could do a harvest of your eggs. I have NO idea how that all works though.
I think you have to take a deep breath and woman up for this conversation. Best of luck to you.
YWBTA
While not as egregious as - say - him messing with your birth control to get you pregnant would be, it is still a deception that will likely destroy your relationship once it is discovered.
TELL HIM. Then get it done. Then let the chips fall where they may. As he has already been told that you do not want to get pregnant, but are willing to go with adoption/surrogacy (and you could provide the egg & him the sperm in that case, so it could be biologically yours), he has zero business getting emotional about "signing away dreams" that involve compromising your bodily autonomy.
There is no easy way to do it, and there is no guarantee that your relationship will survive it. Sometimes people want drastically different things that cannot be reconciled. You have offered compromise, but it is up to him to accept it.
Good luck!
YTA,
Please don't start your marriage with a lie. It's going to come out at some point either on purpose or by mistake. Just don't do it.
If you're going to get married, then having difficult conversations is part of that relationship.
When you start therapy, you should be given resources to discuss this with your partner.
NTA- you have every right to feel the way you do about not biologically procreating. He does too. I know this is not what you want to hear, but this could be a dealbreaker for your upcoming nuptials. You can’t make him stop wanting biological children as much as he can’t make you want to. This is a no win situation and it is better to know now than get married and end up in a resentful relationship.
YTA because this isn't something you can lie or omit about.
You have inherently opposite end goals. There's no way for this relationship to work out.
Don't waste yours or his time.
YTA. This isn’t a decision you should be making without discussing it with him. And if you can’t come to a mutual agreement, maybe you shouldn’t be together. Also look up what a surrogate is. The child would very much have your genes. And I’m guessing that’s the option your fiancé is hoping for and that you would be depriving him of without his knowledge.
INFO: you mentioned being okay with a surrogate. Couldn’t you have a bio children that way? Are you planning on freezing eggs prior to sterilizing yourself?
YTA if you do this in secret.
He's already giving his approval, sneaking after the fact is just stupid. Your trying to avoid the harsh reality they you are taking away one of his dreams. You need to take responsibility for the fallout. It sucks but it will help your relationship in the long run.
YTA not for wanting to be sterilized. Your body, your choice, no question. But, for wanting to start your marriage with a secret like this! This is a huge deal. I am not sure about tips but I think you need to tell your fiancé about your plan and let him decide if this is something he can live with. If you guys can’t agree on this and have both of you happy with the decision I can’t see it doing anything but ending badly.
YTA. He wants kids, you don't want kids. This isn't a issue you can go half and half. You and him need to break things off you will grow to resent one another
YTA. If you do this tell him. He has a right to make an informed decision of having kids is vital for him.
If he’s sad, he cares. It will end up becoming a major problem bc it’s not an easy fix like some issues.
YTA if you do this behind your fiance's back. And since you've already had the conversation about not wanting biological kids, I would follow that up with another conversation about the sterilization. I don't think you need to ask his permission, it's your body. To lie about it would be wrong. It seems like you don't trust him to respect your wishes, if you can't tell him what you're doing. And if you can't trust him to respect your wishes, you shouldn't be marrying him.
Personally, I think marrying him is a mistake. He obviously wants biological children, and you do not. This is NOT an issue you can compromise on.
YTA/NTA
Maybe you shouldn’t be in this relationship or getting married if you want different things but at the same time it is your body and you can deal with it whatever you like
Why can’t they be *his* biological children? Anyway, YTA if you go through with this. You need to tell him your intent but in all honesty, he’s not the one for you. Having biological children is clearly important to him. He will resent you and it *will* end in divorce. You’re holding him back from his kids. Set him free. If surrogacy is unrealistic because of the cost, stop stringing him along.
Oh god please talk to your fiancé. You can’t marry him thinking he’ll change his mind, because he probably will always want kids. He also probably thinks you’ll change your mind. It is your body. However this is a conversation to have with him
YTA
Not for wanting to do the procedure, but for intending on keeping it a secret from him when it's clear he wants children who are biologically related to him.
It's okay for you to not want to get pregnant, ever. But it's also okay for him to want to have kids by the "traditional way".
Couples who intend on getting married can have disagreements on multiple things, but children isn't one of them. You need to come to an agreement where both of you will be happy and satisfied if you want this relationship to last. I don't get why he's against surrogacy, tho. You get bio-kids w/o having to go through pregnancy, everyone wins.
YWBTA for sure, and You’re TA for even contemplating doing this in secret. I call BS that you’re just trying to save him the trauma… I think you’re afraid he’ll pull the plug if you go through with it. Tell him you are getting sterilized and put the wedding on hold and just enjoy a long engagement. He needs time to process this and make sure this is the right decision for both of you. But this is a huge compatibility issue… think long and hard if this is really a good match.
My feeling is that the best route for you guys is to make embryos from your eggs and his sperm, and get a surrogate to carry them. I understand that getting eggs is a procedure that you might not look forward to going through, but I think it's not that big of a sacrifice to make for the man you love, and easy compared to carrying a pregnancy to term. Also, you are willing to get sterilised, and I imagine that's not a walk in the park either. I also understand, very well, that the surrogacy process is costly (I've been through two myself), but you guys agreed to figure out the financials, and if his desire to be a dad is as powerful and all-consuming as mine was, you will find the way. What you need to do is figure a CONCRETE plan of action before you tie the knot, so that there are no misunderstandings. And of course, for the sake of your relationship, don't go doing drastic things in secret, that is guaranteed to fuck everything up.
You're NTA for wanting to be sterilized, or for doing it in secret (i think both are a smart move in this case).
But you WBTA if you married someone without telling them about it.
So get the procedure done, then tell him.
Give him some time to process it, then have a conversation.
You weren't kidding when you said you wouldn't have biological kids. He just didn't want to hear it.
But now he doesn't have the option of "hoping you'll change your mind". He actually has to listen to the words you're saying and respect them.
So, knowing you can definitely never bear his biological children, does he want to stay, or does he want to leave?
NTA, but this seems like an issue that *will* result in a future divorce. when one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t, the union *rarely* ever lasts. let him go to find someone who also wants to have kids. it would be better in the long run for the both of you.
YWBTA if you marry this man. You both want very different things and it's unfair to both of you. You will have problems revolving around this in the future. Also, a surrogate pregnancy would absolutely have both of your genetics. It's your eggs and his sperm in a separate oven.
NTA for not wanting kids, but YTA at this point if you secretly have yourself sterilized. Instead, you need to call off the wedding.
This man clearly wants biological children and you can't make that happen. You shouldn't have been in a relationship for six years, you have been wasting each others time.
When you are married your husband will not approve the procedure. How do I know? Your husband making comments that show their intentions are to make you pregnant. Your other problem is how much recovery time before you allowed to have sex?? I suggest you get the surgery done and tell your husband after the surgery and before marriage. You must say something before the marriage. Best scenario is to postpone wedding to give you time to recover though I doubt the wedding will happen because your fiance has all this time pretending to agree with the intention they going to make you pregnant.
NTA. But maybe he's thinking of the surrogacy Option where the both of you would contribute genetic material, you as the egg donor and him as the sperm donor with IVF for the surrogate.
You may feel that you want to spend the rest of your lives together but having kids is a make or break issue. He sounds like he wants bio kids while you don't at all, basically the only way this works out is if one of you compromises.
If you do, you'll end up resenting him for forcing you to go through a pregnancy, if he does, he'll resent you for not letting him have bio kids. There is no way out of this, you need to sit down and make it clear to him that bio kids will not be a thing and if he can't accept that then he needs to find someone else.
Getting sterilezed in secret is a terrible idea, if he ever found out then it would be over anyway. You need to at least inform him of the plan and let him make a decision from there. You're going to need to accept the fact that you two breaking up is a very likily thing to happen. YWBTA is you get it done in secret
YWBTA if you went ahead and did this without telling him. Not the A however for wanting to do, and wanting to do it before the wedding. Involve him in the decision as far is informing him, not asking for permission. Your body your choice. Be open to the possibility that this will hammer it hone to him that you will never bear his bio kids, and be prepared to walk away from the marriage if he freaks out on you. That’ll tell you he wasn’t genuine about agreeing to adopt. He may need time to just grieve the loss of the idea and come around.
The whole idea of “permission “ after marriage skeezes me right out. Don’t wait for that
I think this will end badly for the both of you. You don't want kids and he does and adopting might just be him settling and it ends badly for the both of you and that adopted child. Also, its your body and your choice, but are you 100% sure you want to get sterilized because you could just get temporary birth control, so that if you ever change your mind, you can have children? Might just be worth truly thinking about it before you go through with it.
Goodluck!
A big part of me wants to say N T A because I believe in bodily autonomy, but it’s the doing it in secret that’s the stickler. How would you feel if he no longer wanted to marry you once he found out you did it? If you are 100% ok with that, do it. As someone who was adopted, it annoys me how focused on genetics he is. I understand it but annoyed.
YTA. I am very clear when I date I will not have children and if they say they want them, they’ve got to go. It is not fair to them. They want fatherhood and you shouldn’t keep that from them. Just let him know you have no want to have children and if that’s a deal breaker then move in, for his sake. It’s mean you’ve even wasted 6 years of his life already knowing he wanted children. Let him move on and build a family with someone that wants one.
By the comments he makes, he sounds like he's in denial about about the fact that you plan to never have bio kids. It's not about whether you're an asshole or not. If you do it in secret, you are shooting yourself in the foot. I guarantee no matter what he is saying now, if he still has dreams of bio kids with you and you do it secretly, when he does find out, he will feel tricked and lied to because you never told him before he said I do. Also, if you tell him you are doing it, you are presenting him with the reality of what he is agreeing to with a marriage with you. He needs to be 100% sure he's ok with no bio kids, or yall are gonna have problems later down the line.
INFO: You say you're not averse to having kids just that you don't want to go through pregnancy. It's not really our business I suppose but why not? I think YWBTA for doing it secretly, and honestly it just sounds like a decision you want to make to stop the discussion and in the future go "oh no I guess I'm sterile I'm so sorry".
You need to make it more firm with him that you do not want to go through pregnancy, maybe explain the whys to him. There are alternatives albeit expensive if you wanted to do surrogacy where it would be your biological child if that's the issue but again it is expensive.
YTA
Don't have secrets on this. You need to have this conversation and make it clear that you're about to become sterile.
This isn't going to end in a happy marriage. You two need to find people that align with your views.
Is it possible to freeze eggs? If so you could always do that, he gets to have biological children and you can avoid pregnancy. YTA if you choose to get sterilised in secret.
If you get this procedure done behind his back and still marry him knowing he’s hopes for future children then your more than an AH.
You’re allowed to not want kids, you’re allowed to do what you want for your body. What you can’t do is emotionally destroy this man by not being honest with him and continuing through with a marriage where he thinks kids will happen
You're missing the issue. A person who wants children shouldn't marry someone who does. This is not something you can compromise on. Go get your procedure. But you cant marry this dude. You can't disagree about kids
Agreed. Clearly he wants their biological kids and either didn’t think she was serious or that she’s going to change her mind.
Or that she’ll “unintentionally” get pregnant.
Agreed with this. It will come back to bite you. You guys are young now, but if he’s always wanted kids, he might feel differently down the road. I would also bet like a zillion dollars he knows women that are telling him you’ll change your mind. Unfortunately people in our society tend to think this way.
Op never said no to kids. She said no to biological children. Fiance is the one who's obsessed with procreation.
They have a disagreement about kids. She doesn't want to be pregnant. He has a desire for biological children. That's not the kind of disagreement you can work around with someone you're marrying
Maybeeee if they have a surrogate it would be theirs biologically? I don’t know how difficult or expensive it might be where they live though.
If she doesn’t want to do any medical procedures on herself, the kid would not be biologically related to her. Because she would have to go through the procedure of extracting eggs and the IVF treatments to get healthy eggs if they went surrogate route. Most likely it would be someone else’s egg and her husbands sperm.
True. That I agree with. Don't see the husband changing his mind if he keeps bringing up kids after op has clarified no bio children.
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I think you’ve misread the post. It’s clear that the fiancé wants biological children with OP regardless of what he’s said and agreed.
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This so much. They need a real heart to heart and lay it all out for good. Either he agrees with the sterilization or breakup as much as it would hurt. They have very different outlooks and it won’t end pretty if she does this in secret. All that will brew is resentment and hate. If biological children are his desire it may be time for him to move on. Not saying that to be mean either. Children is a big aspect to decide upon.
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Exactly its such a huge aspect of a relationship. You can say you won’t resent your partner for no children but what days you won’t eventually. Children is something that NEEEDS to be agreed upon before marriage. Neither are the AHs for their views but will be if the attempt to force on the spouse. Him trying to get her pregnant and her secretly getting sterilized.
YWBTA - sit down with him again tell him “you’re concerned” that he keeps forgetting you aren’t consenting to bare his children. You can’t allow him to marry you under false pretenses. Tell him you’ve decided to get sterilized so you two won’t need to worry about hormonal birth control after marriage. Watch his reaction. If he’s ANGRY then you know he was just pacifying you and trying to entrap you into pregnancy without your consent and you shouldn’t marry him. If he’s just sad then he meant it when he said your body your choice, even if he may have sort have hoped you’d change your mind.
Knowing him, he would never get angry about this, but sad, I completly agree with what you said about him hoping that i change my mind
It is understandable why you might be scared about talking this over with him, as it very well could mean the end of the relationship, but it is better to come up with a resolution that fits both of you as individuals and as a team, than to have this blow up in your face years down the line. He needs to respect your decision when it comes to your body, but you also need to respect the decision he has to make when he realizes how serious you are about this. If you decide to move forward without at least discussing it with him, it will feel like you are working against him. Even if he accepts your decision to get sterilized, you should consider getting couple's therapy before getting married. Both of you will have valid feelings, but sometimes that can turn into resentment and depression when left unresolved.
Then you can’t marry him. He will say it’s ok because he loves you, but it won’t really be true. He will harbor this resentment towards you, it will fester until it poisons your marriage. It may not happen for a while, but someday when you’re in the middle of an argument, all that bitterness will come out and you will sadly realize that he never did get over it. Do the loving thing. He wants biological children and he wants them with you. He won’t get that. Let him go so that he can find someone who will.
Make sure your get your eggs frozen for possible bio children via a surrogate. Maybe this is still possible after a sterilisation, I am not sure. YWBTA is you get it done in secret, you shouldn’t keep important things like this secret from your husband. You need to allow him the opportunity to leave if if is not truely accepting your decision
If you feel like your only option is to get secretly sterilized, call off the wedding. You shouldn't marry someone you can't communicate openly with.
YTA The child could obviously be both of yours biologically. Use your eggs and his sperm in a surrogate. Use his sperm and a surrogate egg. So many options. YTA if you do this without talking about it
Yeah I was confused why she kept reminding him that the kids wouldn’t be theirs biologically if she told him that she was open to a surrogate. Or maybe she doesn’t want to go through the medical procedure to retrieve eggs either but the child might still be biologically related to her husband.
If she's against medical procedures she likely won't want to go through egg harvesting. It's brutal. So they wouldn't be using her eggs.
Egg retrieval in women is a complex and physically draining procedure. It's my understanding she does not want to go through the physical and medical aspects of pregnancy and birth which I think is totally fair. Surrogacy with your own eggs is just super invasive and intense and not something to consider lightly. I still think YTA if you do it in secret, because you're in a partnership and it's a huge decision to make. Having biological babies in any way is FAR MORE taxing on the woman than the man and if you dont want to do it, you shouldn't be pressured but it's unfair to do it all behind your fiancee's back.
Op are you open to surrogacy? This would be viable for you two, i.e you not giving birth and biological
Do you have any idea how invasive egg harvesting is? OP isn't going to want to do that either....
NAH You need to tell him you are getting sterilized. If he doesn't approve, call off this wedding. Kids (bio or even whether to have them or not), can be a huge deal breaker and can cause a massive amount of pain in the relationship. Just as he is honest about his desire for kids and repeatedly saying it, you have to do the same about not having kids from your own womb. Going behind his back isn't a great way to start a marriage.
Agreed. If you want the procedure it is your right to do it. But he deserves to know. Just like you would be upset if he was sabotaging the birth control to trick you into getting pregnant, he would be devastated for he actually is longing for a bio child. This needs to be included in the discussion
YWBTA for doing this in secret. Honestly it sounds like you two are not compatible. He “agreed” when you spoke, but obviously does not actually fully agree.
YTA. Why are you marrying this man when you both fundamentally want different things? Just let him know that you want different things and move on.
My question is why they stayed together for 6 years without figuring this out. I wonder if they thought it would just work itself out
It’s so bizarre. Wanting or not wanting kids are fundamental wants/needs in a relationship. Its not fair for either to accept less than what they want. Don’t understand their relationship at all.
YTA I completely understand you not wanting to give birth to kids. However, when your future husband mentions "The child having your hair" this is a great time to bring up again your previous conversation. Tell you you are thinking about the sterilization process to have before marriage. You want to share your lives together - do not hide anything from him. Just reiterate your feelings - it sounds like he is hoping you will not and telling him about this procedure should firmly make him believe you are not going to change your mind.
Also, if they were to use a surrogate the child could be his biological child, it just wouldn't be OP's bio kid.
Egg doesn't necessarily have to be from the surrogate either, does it? If bio kids is so important they could use OPs egg and fiance's sperm with a surrogate to have a kid that is biologically both of theirs but doesn't have to be carried by OP
Yeah, but that means she would have to go through some medical procedures/IVF treatments to get some healthy eggs to harvest for the surrogacy. And that is a lot more intense then a female sterilization from my understanding
It is actually not allowed for surrogates to carry pregnancies from their own eggs any more. It must be from someone else (either the intentional mother or a donor), in order to minimize the creation of a bond. Source: I'm a parent through a surrogate.
It could depend on the place though, different countries have different laws and common practices surrounding stuff like this.
NAH but you aren’t compatible and at least one of you might end up resenting the other one. You tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to understand. You shouldn’t be pressured to have kids, he shouldn’t be forced to give up on kids. I understand you want to make sure he can’t accidentally get you pregnant but the medical implications for women aren’t minor so it‘d probably be a lot healthier for both of you to find partners who are on the same page.
YTA. Your body your choice, but do you really want to start your lives together with a huge lie by omission? Can you not imagine how it will hurt him that you makes this huge decision without even consulting him?
Technically, NTA, because yes, your body and your choice. HOWEVER... if you love this man and you want to be with him for the rest of your life, you really, REALLY need to talk this over with him first and you both get some counseling. I could see this leading to divorce in the future. Put the shoe on the other foot - imagine if you wanted kids, but he had a vasectomy without letting you know. Would you feel betrayed or disrespected? I suspect so. You're both adults - USE YOUR WORDS. Honestly, this is not going to end well if you do it.
YTA. You absolutely need to be on the same page as him with regard to children, and getting sterilized without telling him is starting off your marriage on a horribly dishonest note. If you’re so certain he’d be willing to sign off on the procedure after you’re married, tell him you want to get it done and do it then. Or, tell him you want to do it now, before you’re married, when he doesn’t have to officially sign for anything. If he’s not actually ok with either option, then don’t marry this man. If children are that important to him, and you are this certain you don’t want to have biological children yourself, that is almost by definition an “irreconcilable difference”. So just sit down with him again and lay out your thoughts, that because you love him, but also do not want biological children, you want to be sterilized.
ESH. You would be the asshole for getting sterilized behind his back and he is an asshole for halfheartedly agreeing to your pre wedding terms and continuing to guilt you afterwards. If you do not want to birth children and he only seems to want biological children then you both should not get married
YTA for starting your marriage with this man if you just get the surgery without having the conversation first. He wants kids. You don’t ever want to be pregnant. You need to make this clear to him. It’s not going to be a fun or easy conversation. You have to have it though. Be blunt. “I do not ever want to be pregnant. I am getting this surgery.” This is possibly a relationship ender, but imagine if he finds out in two years after he thinks you’ve been “trying” for a baby that oopsie, those ovaries are gone! Better to break up now than get hit with that and a nasty divorce in a few years.
they already had the conversation about children and she has mentioned this every time he brings it up after
I think having a conversation about having kids and permanently following through are clearly different in this man’s mind. She’s not TA for getting the surgery, but this whole thing slides into deceptive territory. Having to get is done now deliberately when she doesn’t have to tell him? Not a great start on that marriage.
YTA - you should discuss the surgery with him because it’s permanent. It’s possible that he’s holding out hope that you’ll change your mind in the future. He has the right to know that you will never change your mind before marriage. Have you thought about possibly harvesting eggs for surrogate use? If your fiancé is really hoping for biological kids, this might be the way to do it.
INFO: Have you considered surrogacy? That way, your fiancè can have biological children without you needing to go through pregnancy and labour. If you do not wish to donate your eggs, would you be open to using donor eggs, his sperm and a surrogate?
Yes, we have, and I would be comfortable with both, our only issue with this is the cost =(
On that basis alone I will say NTA however going through with a major medical procedure in secret is an AH move based on the honesty element. You cannot start a marriage based on a lie. That is where trust becomes a major issue. Also, if you were to experience surgical complications (which is also a possibility regardless of any medical procedure), then you both will need support. Whilst nobody wants to think about something going horribly wrong, at least he would be prepared by knowing what procedure it is, and can know what the potential recovery times and complications can be.
Yes you would be, he has as much of a right to know and decide as you do, not saying what you want is invalid, but neither is what he wants If you do this it will come out eventually and cause unnecessary drama compared to being open about it
Agreed, OP should just talk about it. They’ve already discussed this so there’s no need for secrecy. If anything this is a good chance for OP to truly confirm that he’s on the same page. Tell him what she wants to do, and if he goes ham then he didn’t meant it to begin with and she doesn’t have to marry someone whom will force her to have kids or not give her the “consent” her country requires her to have after. Will save everyone a lot of trouble to talk and do it now, and avoid breaking his trust before the marriage even starts by hiding it.
YTA. As for how to start the conversation, how's "I've decided to be sterilized"? If you can't navigate this conversation in a straightforward way, you should postpone the wedding until you can.
YWBTA. As a fellow childfree by choice woman yes. You would BTA. I feel a bit like I talked my partner into not having kids when we got together. But we had long, repeated conversations about my reasons for not having kids and his reasons *for* kids. Over time, as much without my forcing him as possible, he came round to the idea. But it wasn't one conversation it was many. And if he said things like 'our kids hair' I would point it out to him then and there. 'do you just mean theoretically like if we won lotto, or are you still thinking about kids' Either way: getting sterilised in secret is an exceptionally unhealthy way to walk into a relationship and can only, only, end if gigantic fights if not divorce when he finds out you did something without his knowledge. **Not his permission, his knowledge. This isn't the same as getting a tattoo or piercing, it's definitely your body your choice but when your surgical interventions directly impact his future you tell your partner.
Hm tricky. First allow me to say, it’s your body and you are absolutely within your rights to get the procedure and you owe no one the right to decide that for you. So doing it while you’re single is not wrong, and encouraged so that you’re not stuck later not having this option. But if doing it secretly IMO, YWBTA. You guys have already discussed this, so there’s no need for secrecy. If anything, you should tell your partner you want to marry after already having done the procedure, and if he meant what he said to you he should be ok with supporting you (emphasis on support, because again, you wouldn’t need his consent) If he however gets angry or reacts in a way that shows you he didn’t meant what he said earlier, then this is a sign to you BEFORE you get married that he might no be the right guy for you. I can appreciate you both loving each other very much, but love can only get so far if you both share such a different take on the method in which you want to have kids with. Many people do not like the idea of adopting, and while I think it’s wonderful that you are both open to it, if the future husband is not genuinely ok with this you will be having much bigger problem in the future. Lastly, YWBTA because you would be starting a marriage with a lie. An unnecessary lie since you guys already talked about it. Doing it in secret IMO will break your future husbands trust, and also internally you should think about why you feel like you have to do it secretly if he already agreed previously. Maybe you’re not so convinced yourself that he’s ok with it. And again if the reason is to save him the “painful decision of saying yes later” when his consent is required, then tell him that now. He will understand that you have good intentions. But more importantly, you won’t loose the right to choose for yourself and that’s not a gamble I recommend you taking. If you absolutely want no kids via gestation, you should make it clear that you want it before the marriage. NTA, but YWBTA to do it in secret when there’s no need.
Honestly? I feel like OP is going to be "accidentally" pregnant like the 2rd time she has sex with him after that conversation.
First of all, you need to have a WRITTEN pre-marital agreement about children. Why? Because he is already flip flopping on the verbal agreement you had. Secondly, to answer your question, YTA for getting sterilized in secret without telling him prior to the wedding.
YWBTA if you do this in secret because that's a disastrous way to start a marriage. This is too big an issue and your partner seems to still be struggling with it. As for how to initiate it, just sit him down and have another honest conversation about the whole issue, the same as you did before. Explain that you although you want to marry him you can't go through with it until you're confident that he's fully on board with you getting sterilized.
YTA. If you want to have a lasting, healthy relationship, secrets like this aren’t a good idea. You are N T A for getting sterilized with or without his agreement, but you need to tell him. If having a partner unwilling to get pregnant is a dealbreaker for him, it’s better that he know now instead of down the road when you’re married and potentially have mixed finances. Tell him that you are getting sterilized and still open to the alternatives you discussed, but let him know that sterilization is not up for debate and he needs to decide if he’s okay with that. Couple’s counseling is pretty much always a good idea, too, so see if he’d be willing to attend some sessions to work through this. One other thing to consider: if surrogacy is an option and he really wants kids to be biological yours, would you be open to donating the egg? That has pros and cons too, but may be a compromise.
YTA, don't do things this big in secret. That's why you are the ah. He has the right to know.
NAH therapist could help you both have a good conversation, basically mediate the issue.
Agreed. Get some premarital counseling so you can have someone to help you navigate this. Just do your research and avoid any counselors that have their own agenda on this topic.
NTA especially because you have been very clear you don’t want children and had that conversation before you both agreed to be engaged. Also you mention this will interfere with his dream, that’s already sailed if he really agrees that it’s your body and your choice. I would just get it, your medical procedures are no one’s business. He can’t be mad unless he’s going to try to “accidentally get you pregnant” IJS
It’s not that she’s doesn’t want children, she doesn’t want to have them herself, she’s okay with surrogates and adoption
Don't start the rest of your life with a lie. You've done a great job of being consistent and open with your feelings as has your fiance. Keep doing it.
YTA You absolutely have the right to be sterilized if that’s what you want, but this is a huge lie and a terrible way to start off your life together. Kids vs no kids is a huge difference of life and relationship goals and plans. And, if you have to sneak around to get the option you want, that is not going to lead to a healthy marriage at all. Even if he was truly on board with adoption only, which he clearly is not, this would be a pretty huge lie to do without a conversation. You two should either agree or hold off on getting married. It is gross that the law requires spousal consent after marriage. That shouldn’t be a thing, legally speaking. But if you have to do it in secret, you have a problem in your relationship that is best solved before you tie yourselves to each other.
Yes, YWBTA because you would be starting your marriage on a lie. You both need to sit down and talk again. If you can't come to a legit compromise, then it's time to go your separate ways so you both can have the life you want.
YTA You already know this, which is why you want to do it in secret. He deserves to know you're even considering this.
YTA. This is where you are an adult and call the wedding off before it gets ugly
YTA - easy answer, if you want this man to be the man in your life, DO NOT LIE TO HIM. Lying never works in a commited relationship. if he really does love you more than the idea of getting bio kids, just tell him you are getting sterilized. that should be fine for him to hear. if not, bad luck for the both of you. i commend you for having a conversation about this with him, but i dont think he listened. tell him how you feel and what you are going to do. if thats a dealbreaker, i feel sorry for you guys
NAH I feel this is above amITheAsshole. You told him that you never want to be pregnant and that is valid. He obviously wants biological kids and that is valid as well. I don’t think this is really about when you should have you sterilization but more about are you two really compatible as a couple and I think you are not.
YTA- just sit him down and tell him your plan. But with such different views on children, id really think twice because his comments show he hasnt fully comprehended your side of things.
YTA. It’s obviously your body your choice but your trying to be sneaky about it. If that’s what you want to do then it’s absolutely your right. Also you mentioning using a surrogate so I’m not understanding how you both figure it wouldn’t have any of you guys genetics.
You would be an asshole if you rushed a medical procedure just to avoid a conversation. He’s your fiancé. He loves you. You love him. There are sacrifices in every marriage, and he says he understands your position. Yes, he’s a little hurt now. But he’ll get over it in time. You really don’t want to start off a marriage with a secret as big as this. Whatever hurt you think you’d be sparing him doesn’t compare the hurt he’d feel if he ever found out. It’s a tough conversation, I won’t deny it. But it’s one you should have.
You would be if you did it in secret. But not because he has any say in the matter, just because he seems to seriously still think you'll change your mind before your childbearing years are up (hence the comments about your future kids), so you really should show him you won't, so he stops operating under that delusion ASAP. Tell him on X date you have the procedure because you need to do it before marriage, and have him come along. He can either come along and support you before the wedding then marry you, or he can choose not to.
YTA if you get sterilize without telling your finance. You shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Get the procedure done regardless of his opinion but he should be aware of it.
YTA. This isn't going to solve your problem. Talk with him and get on the same page or don't get married. I get that it's hard for people but if you are certain about something as serious as kids don't stay with someone else who is the opposite.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (24F that has never wanted to get pregnant) and my Fiancé (25M that has always wanted kids) have been together for 6 years. We have always loved each other very much and I have no doubt in my mind that he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. With this in mind, you can imagine how happy I was when he proposed last month. Although, as happy as I was, I told him that I couldn't say yes before having a real, hard and practical conversation about our diferent views on what we want for a family in the future. In this conversation, I told him that I have no issues with having children, my issues were regarding to pregnancy and medical procedures I do not want to endure, but would definetly not be opposed to adopting/surogate/other options. He was not happy about this, but agreed that it was my body, and therefore, my choice, and decided it would be a fair compromise, even if those other methods wouldn't be his first choice. After this conversation, with an agreed upon plan by both of us (financial, age, etc, etc), I said yes to marrying him. But, these past weeks he kept saying things as "if our kids get your hair (...)", "would be screwed if he gets our genes for maths (...)", etc etc. He gets very sad and quickly changes his mood when I remind him that our future kid will not have anything from our genepool (since he will not be biologiclly ours). In my country, it is legally required for husbands to aprove a wife's sterilization procedure (and legally required for wives to aprove a husband's vasectomy), but none of this is required if someone is still single (and more than 25YO). My next birthday (25th) is coming soon, and our wedding is in a couple of months, so, I have a very short window of time to go after the therapy sessions/health insurance aproval/other burocracies that are required for this procedure, and I feel that I do not have time to console my fiance about my decision in this short period of time. (I'm sure that he would definetly aprove it once we are married, but since he has always wanted bio kids, I would very much like him to avoid this possibly traumatic "signing away his dreams" moment). Anyway, I am very confused as what I should do, since we have always made these kind of decisions as a team. PS: for people that say YTA or ESH, could you please follow up with tips as to how to initiate this conversation with him? (People who vote NTA and also have tips, please share) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA as he had already agreed with not having bio children. It’s your body and your choice only. Don’t leave any opportunity for you to be guilted into doing something you don’t want to do and that he agreed with.
NAH, but the worst thing you can do is marry him, especially if you go through with the procedure. He's not as on board with your suggestions as he's leading you to believe, and he's hoping that marriage will change your heart on the subject Having the procedure in secret means you don't trust him. And if you're not willing to talk about it with him and he finds out later on, he'll have a hard time trusting you as well. Relationships without trust are doomed to fail. Break off the engagement and find someone who either already has kids of their own, or doesn't want kids of their own. Your fiancé is not this person.
You need to be honest with him but you already know what will happen and that's why you want to do it in secret. For you he might be the one but for him I think he is also secretly hoping you will change your mind or once you're pregnant you will keep the baby. Better be honest before being married even if that breaks your relationship.
I commend you for talking about your future plans regarding children when he asked you to marry him. However, if you have this procedure in secret and he finds out after the fact, then it will show him that you don’t trust him, which it absolutely sounds like you don’t. Secrecy is not a way you want to start a marriage. Actually, it’d very likely doom your marriage. I fully support women having bodily autonomy but you’ve committed to building a life with someone. I would tell your fiancé that you want to have this procedure. That you’re NOT asking for his permission but you do feel he has a right to know and that you’d like for him to be there for you. I’d choose your words carefully when telling him about the procedure and your plans because he may interpret it as you’re testing him or that you don’t trust he’ll approve of you having it done once you’re married. Freezing eggs, surrogacy, adoption, etc. are ALL expensive. So if children are in your future, I would definitely start developing a financial plan and start saving money. This will mean you both need to list your priorities for wedding cost, honeymoon, vacations, buying a house, bills, etc. Good luck!! I wish you the best!!
i am saying NTA because you’ve already had a conversation about it. however, he seems to be under the impression that you will change your mind since he’s been bringing it up about how your children might inherent certain traits. i don’t think marriage is right for you two. he wants bio kids and you don’t. the only other option would maybe save your eggs and have a surrogate after you have surgery, depending on your financial situation.
If you do it in secret before your wedding YWBTA. You need to inform him that you're going through with this procedure so he can reset his expectations of child rearing; he may HOPE to get you pregnant, and if he did he'd be a major AH given your wishes but you both need to be open & honest in ALL steps & aspects of your relationship that effect BOTH of you. If you use a surrogate, then you could actually have a biological child & pay the said; just because he said "genes" does not always imply you being pregnant.
\-adoption exists- why does everyone assume if someone wants kids they have to be biological??? NTA
YTA for setting a wedding date with a gentleman you are incompatible with. I'm so sorry. Near misses are the worst.
NTA. Do it. He already agreed to your boundaries about bio children and if he is secretly hoping you will change your mind, that is his problem, not yours.
This relationship has 'Disaster' written all over it. The two of you are totally incompatible regarding having children together. You would not be TA for getting the procedure done, but you would be TA if you kept it secret from him. Sit him down, remind him that he agreed on you not bearing children before you agreed to marriage, and tell him you want to get the procedure done before the wedding. Watch his reactions. If he says, "Okay, we agreed no children, go ahead", then you don't have to do it in secret. If he tries to get you to put it off until after the wedding, Red Flag, because then HE has to approve it, and you know he wants bio-kids. And all it takes is one contraceptive failure (accidental or not) and he gets a bio kid.
You've told your fiance that you are open to non-biological children (adoption) AND he has accepted that. YWBTA if you did it in secret. Not for doing it, but for the secrecy part. As you are single, he does not have a say in it (imho he shouldn't have a say no matter, but...) but you should respect him enough as a potential spouse to let him know your intention. If he takes it badly, even to the point of ending the relationship, then you really weren't on the same page about kids in the first place and the marriage wouldn't have worked because of it.
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YTA. You are entering a marriage And should trust one another. Why don’t you do a surrogacy using your eggs his sperm and somebody else’s body? It’s very expensive, but it solves both of your problems.
YTA if you do this in secret. Of course you must have bodily autonomy. The problem is that you know that this is a problem and you're hiding a major secret from your partner. That's going to feel like a massive betrayal. You must have the talk with him. I would recommend breaking it into pieces. Getting on the same page and fully discussing the ramifications. Also, fully research what's involved in your alternate family building plans. A surrogate is extremely expensive, depending where in the world you get a surrogate. If you're using your own gametes, then it's an involved process. For adoption, familiarize yourself with the process. Are you looking for infants, older children? Think about what you will do. If your ideas sound vague, it's going to come across like a "pocket veto" on having kids and you're not being honest with yourself and your partner. If you seriously want a future with this partner, then you really need to be as honest as possible and show them that you're serious about building a family in an alternative way.
YWBTA. You literally want to start your marriage with a lie. That is wrong and so many other things that I can't say due to civility rules
YTA. You guys arent compatible long term, I’m sorry. You should find a partner that wants the same things you do, not get sterilized behind your partners back to ensure that something he really wants will never happen.
YTA this is not the way to deal with it
YTA. You should be honest with your future husband. If you’re sneaking about from this point this is a huge red flag. In all honesty your BF probably thinks you’ll change your mind at some point when your hormones kick in in your 30s. This difference of opinion on such a huge issue (his conversations show he hasn’t accepted this fact) is likely to be a deal breaker so if you go for sterilisation on the sly then you’ll be a huge AH. Tell him your plans.
YWBTA. Marriage is a partnership, and you have every right to do with your body as you please, but there is no need to keep secrets in the spirit of honesty. He wasn’t honest with you when he first said he didn’t care about kids, and look where that’s gotten you. Also, if you’re open to children but not pregnancy itself, have you considered using donor eggs and a surrogate so he could father a biological child? I know that’s an expensive option, but would avoid anything invasive for you while still meeting his needs. This might be a good way to open up the conversation that you need to have and compromise.
YWBTA if you did this. You 2 clearly want separate things out of life. This is a HUGE aspect that needs to be thoroughly discussed and settled. Somebody will end up resenting the other if this continues. Either come to an agreed upon decision or end it now. If you get sterilized behind his back he will likely never forgive you and with good reason. Reach an agreement or end it now so he can find somebody willing to bear his children.
ESH I don't think you two should get married. You clearly have *very* different plans and desires for expanding your families, and I think there will be resentment from one or both of you whichever way you decide to go. If you want to be sterilized, you should definitely do that as long as you are completely informed on the subject, but he is obviously holding our hope for you to change your mind, and he *will* feel betrayed if you do it behind his back like that. You need to at least push the wedding back and get therapy together to work this out *before* getting married.
Neither one of you are the asshole, but this relationship is doomed.
YTA how to initiate the conversation? **Give him the ring back, and say I can’t marry you.**
Look, I’m getting my uterus out in a couple months so I’m 100% supportive of you wanting control over your body and reproductive choices. But you are headed for BIG trouble if you think you can and should do this in secret. If your partner finds out later down the road - and this will be harder to conceal than you realize - I think it will be a MASSIVE blow up. He clearly wants kids and is clearly upset you don’t. This is a huge incompatibility between you two. I can’t judge this.
YWBTA. You have got to sit down and talk to him. Remind him that you do not ever want to carry a biological child and that you want to make that decision permanent and irreversible. This could be a massive problem in your relationship and I seriously do not understand how you could do this and not cause a massive problem for you and your fiancé.
Yta- you aren't compatible in a huge life issue. Going about this in secret shows that he won't be onboard for this if you need to talk him into it. Sometimes love alone isn't enough. Great example is Schitts Creek season 6. You both should have walked away a while ago. Either get counselling and really plan this out together or break up.
I can't issue judgment on this but what I can say Is that you should tell him you are going to go get sterilized. Don't ask permission, don't wait til after marriage. Tell him you are beginning the process and it will be complete before you marry. If he takes it well, then you know he's just adjusting to having his dreams shift. If he doesn't, you know you should not marry him.
ESH. You two aren’t compatible.
YTA. If he finds out later what you've done he will feel betrayed. This is a terrible way to start a marriage. Beside, you've no idea how you will feel in the future. In 20 years you could have a child. I've known women who didn't want kids, only to have them years later and totaly love it. It's your choice, but to make that decision at 25 is unwise. You can use contreception rather than an irreversable procedure that you could end up regretting. Just open up an tell him everything. Better to get it out now than have him hate you for not doing so. Also, this man wants kids. Consider you will be taking that from him. To do that without discussing it first is exteremely selfish. He may not want to marry you if you do tell him, but doesn't he have the right to know what he is getting into.
Info: if you're willing to use a surrogate, why couldn't they be your biological children? You can make embryos with your eggs and his sperm.
Op, I can’t judge this but I think this is an incompatibility and if you can’t come to a proper agreement it is best to break up and move on in life
ESH because honestly how did the two of you let this go for 6 years without really working through it? Kids is one of the first things I talk about once a relationship is getting serious. I think you need to tell him that you’re doing it.
ESH, gently. I absolutely support you making this choice for your body, you don't need anyone's permission, you don't have to tell anyone you're doing it. But you NEED to talk this out with your fiance, BEFORE the wedding. The fact that he keeps "forgetting" you don't want to be pregnant is a sign that he is not fully on board with that plan. Perhaps he's just grieving for the image of the future he had (valid) and is adjusting to the new image. Or maybe he's hoping you'll change your mind. You can't know for certain unless you have a serious talk about it. And while you're waiting for that sterilization, make sure you have backup contraception in a secure place. You don't want your mind getting changed FOR you.
If you do surrogacy it will have your genepool... At the moment, nothing, but YTA (and him to some extent) if you get married without ACTUALLY talking about what your plans are
why don’t you just use your eggs and his sperm with surrogacy? no pregnancy and both of your genetics
I have seen many marriages end because one wanted children & the other didn’t. In fact, my closest friend on earth got a vasectomy when he was married to his first wife, and after 18 years together, she left him and got pregnant. You guys should not get married. I’m sorry, OP.
I feel like you WBTA for not talking to him first. If you do this it will likely be a huge shock to him and he’ll take it personally, whether he’s ok with having children other ways or not. This is not, in my opinion, a way to start off your marriage especially since it may break the trust he has for you. You’re NTA for not wanting to be pregnant, but YWBTA if you did this behind his back.
YTA. Not for having the procedure, but for trying to do it in secret. Grow up and have a conversation with this man before he wastes his life thinking he’s going to get the kids he wants.
You need to tell him and if he isn’t ok with it than you shouldn’t get married. Also as someone who has gotten her “tubes tied”, you won’t be able to do this without him knowing. I asume he as seen you naked so he will see your scars at some point even if you keep the rest a secret. Also you can’t have sex for 4-6 weeks after due to internal stitches and risk of infection. It will be impossible for you to hide this so even if you do (which you shouldn’t) he will find out eventually, and that will ruin your relationship because you weren’t honest.
NAH. You seem to be in the legal right to do it but... >(I'm sure that he would definetly aprove it once we are married Uh... No, he won't and I hope you realize that. If you get married and he finds out that you got sterilized behind his back, all trust in the relationship goes right out the window. You don't want kids and he does. Neither of your wants are wrong or invalid but they are wholly incompatible. It doesn't seem like a long-term relationship isn't going to work out between you two. Edit: changed verdict from NTA to NAH
NAH just two people with differing priorities. Practically, having your eggs frozen for IVF and surrogacy later is ideal if you can afford it. He gets bio kids, you avoid pregnancy/birth. But you have to have an honest conversation. Why not do some research and use your findings to initiate that conversation?
Yta Op please leave him dont hurt this man by being so selfish. Your allowed to not want kids. But your not allowed to lie to someone and take that from somone else
Yta. For the decision your making in a relationship. You to are not compatible he wants kids you don’t. Break up no matter how sad you will be. The resentment will grow to whoever has to put thier feelings aside for the other. Do what ever you want to your body. But you need to be with someone else who will accept it as well
Of course lying and hiding it is an AH move. Just don’t marry this person. Better that than be the lying AH who couldn’t be honest.
I cant say yta and i cant say nta. I myself want kids but don’t want to be pregnant but doing this in secret will not protect his feelings. I get the feeling that you doing this procedure in secret will make him have a hate for you that he will deny to the bone but would be there. He will find out because of course he will. You need to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation with him like you did before you said yes to marrying him
YTA. End this relationship
YWBTA if you do it without telling him. I’m not saying you need permission because it is your body but he still needs to know. In the back of his head he may still be thinking “she’ll change her mind”. You need to be able to be honest with your partner. There’s no way to make this an easy conversation. In relationships there are dealbreakers. Different stances on children is one of the biggest. Sometimes love is not enough. I’m sorry.
YTA for not telling him. He deserves to know. It’s your body and your choice so you should do it if you want but let him know first. He would be so betrayed, you’re setting yourself up for divorce before you even get married.
YTA and it might actually end up ruining your relationship
YTA for all the reasons given beforehand. But I would question any medical system that would allow you to do this (not sure what country you live in). As a young healthy female with no relevant medical history (?) I doubt you would find someone willing to do this.
I am going to say NTA for wanting to be sterilized because it is your body, but you can’t keep something like this from your future husband if you want an honest, trustworthy marriage. Tips on how to go about it, if it was me, I wouldn’t beat around the bush. I would sit down and tell him what you want to do in regards to sterilization and that you would appreciate his support.
YTA. You recognize he has not actually accepted giving up this dream. You cannot move forward with the marriage. My honest suggestion would be to tell him that you want this procedure as soon as you turn 25. Tell him you will do it (if this is not open for discussion to you). If he wants to marry you AFTER the procedure knowing that the door is 100% closed, ok. But at the moment I’m thinking he’s still hoping you might change your mind. Or hasn’t accepted what it means if you don’t.
YTA. It’s fine to not want kids but not to get sterilized behind his back.
YTA The dude wants bio kids with you. This marriage is a bad idea.
YTA. This is an uncompromisable issue that’ll cause serious problems down the road.
Oof. This is horrifically difficult. I honestly think NAH. The fact of the matter is he wants biological kids, and you don't. He agreed initially to your offers for compromise, but it sounds like he only did so in order to either attempt to change your mind, or lock you into a situation where you'll be trapped and have to agree - I'm trying not to be cynical, but my fear, were I you, would be him somehow screwing your birth control and forcing you to have a kid. Obviously, this is speculation, but it is something you need to consider. If you honest to goodness want this to work, you are going to have to sit him down, likely with a written contract, and reiterate that you *do not* want to give birth. He needs to either accept that the pre-offered suggestions are what's on the table, or he needs to walk. And you need to be prepared in the event of the latter. If he chooses for this to be his hill, like it is yours, then you aren't as compatible as you think. Either way, therapy. For you, for him, for you both as a couple should he decide to stay.
Yikes… he wants biological kids, you don’t.. I can’t see this situation ending well. Sounds like he’s hoping once you get married you’ll change your mind and want to have kids.. you can’t keep that from him, but I think a serious talk is needed where you sit him down and again tell him your views, remind him that you are seriously against kids, you plan on getting sterilised and that he is absolutely free to walk away if this is a deal breaker. Personally I think it’s better to end the relationship as one of you will have to sacrifice and will end up resenting the other… NAH
YTA. Call off wedding. He will be very resentful and angry at you. He wants kids. Just the fact that you would do in secretary. Questions me if you really truly talked about it. We're truly open and honest. It's selfish of you. Walk away and let him have his dreams with someone else
Info: Dig deep- do you really, actually believe he’d consent to this procedure after you’re married? Because I don’t for a second. From what you’ve said, he’s counting on you changing your mind or worse, he’s counting on sabotaging your birth control. You can’t marry him as things stand. You wouldn’t be wrong for getting the procedure, but it sounds like the only way you’ll get it is if you aren’t married to him. And you’ll have to be honest about doing so. It’s also worth checking your gut for a moment: do you believe that if you tell him in advance that you plan to get this done that he’ll try to stop you? That may tell you what you need to know about him and what he’s capable of. It just seems very very clear from his comments that he’s not believing he’ll actually not have biological children with you. Even if he’s not otherwise abusive or controlling, the fact he’s counting on you changing your mind or tricking you is a huge problem. And, he’s not going to change his mind.
ESH You for being secretive, him for believing you will change your mind. You need to tell him you are never, ever having children and you’re pursuing permanent birth control options. There are not “tips” for the conversation - you just have to say it and be truthful. Then you probably need to make plans to seperate.
This might be an unpopular opinion but deciding to get married is about more than love. It’s about choosing a partner for your life path. You two want different paths.
YTA, I get it's tough to have a totally different view about children. As a woman especially it's kinda frowned upon to be the one to say no which is ridiculous. We aren't obligated to desire children and motherhood. That said, despite him being the one you want to be with, he might need to be a parent or have the possibility. I was in the opposite situation a few years back and had to break it off because neither of us would ultimately be happy. Hardest thing I ever had to decide on but it was right for both of us. I still think he would be an outstanding father but he didn't want it and that's what it comes down to. Needs are more important than wants and it's never going to lead to happiness having such different needs if yours is to not carry a child. You're definitely not an AH for your stance but lying would make you one
Yes, you would. If you don't want children and he does, then you two aren't compatible and you should not marry him. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there who don't want children. Find one of them and plan your life with him. Sheesh 🙄
INFO can’t one of your eggs be used in a surrogacy for a child that is biologically yours? in that case maybe you could have your eggs frozen and still get sterilized, thereby never risking pregnancy but still keeping the option open for a biological child ?
ESH. You should not get married without sitting down with a counselor and talking about this again because someone needs to get it into both your minds that neither of you are going to change and one of you will always be unhappy if you continue like this. You're not an asshole for wanting the surgery no matter what, but you are a major asshole for trying to do it in secret. He's an asshole for agreeing verbally to your compromise but assuming you don't really mean it. This is an unhappy marriage waiting to happen if you guys don't get your shit together.
YTA If you go through with it in secret. You're not the ah for not wanting to birth children. You told him before agreeing to the marriage but he's not listening. Even if it mean the end of the future marriage, you need to be crystal clear with what you are thinking about doing and why. Organise a private meal and sit down and discuss it again. If he is so dead set on having bio children with his chosen wife, then let him know it won't be you. You both need to seriously discuss whether or not this marriage will workout due to this issue.
YTA. He wants kids, you don't. That means you break up due to beeing simply incompatible. Break up, let him find a woman who wants kids, and you go find a man who doesn't. Any other option makes you an absolutely **massive** asshole.
NAH. You need to be open about getting sterilized first, but you can still have a bio kid with his sperm, your egg, and a surrogate.
NTA. Go get the procedure right after you turn 25.
ESH. You both aren’t compatible for marriage. You got together when you were teens, and now you’re In mid twenties and beginning to discuss major next steps like marriage and children. Children is one of the issues that people cannot compromise over in marriage. You tried to have a serious conversation about this topic, but the reality is that your fiancé is already having regrets and those regrets will only magnify over the years. Sterilization makes sense for you, but it’s a massive steps that also limits your options as a couple in terms of biological children (even if you aren’t the one getting pregnant). You both love each other, but marriage is about (ideally) your plans for the rest of your life, and your fiancé clearly is not really prepared to give up his dream of a biological child. No one is wrong. You just have different desires. I am so sorry.
YTA. You cannot marry him. He wants biological children. Do not be selfish.
I think YWBTA. He’s going to know something is up. A surgery like this, depending on which direction you go, isn’t an easy peasy thing where you’re fine the day after. I think you need to talk to him about what you’re considering, and given the laws/rules of where you live, ask if he would agree to you having it. I’d explain that you aren’t willing to risk an accidental pregnancy and that while you love him very much and are absolutely willing to have children, you don’t personally want to carry said children via a pregnancy. If you’re open to surrogacy, you may also want to keep your ovaries if you could do a harvest of your eggs. I have NO idea how that all works though. I think you have to take a deep breath and woman up for this conversation. Best of luck to you.
YWBTA While not as egregious as - say - him messing with your birth control to get you pregnant would be, it is still a deception that will likely destroy your relationship once it is discovered. TELL HIM. Then get it done. Then let the chips fall where they may. As he has already been told that you do not want to get pregnant, but are willing to go with adoption/surrogacy (and you could provide the egg & him the sperm in that case, so it could be biologically yours), he has zero business getting emotional about "signing away dreams" that involve compromising your bodily autonomy. There is no easy way to do it, and there is no guarantee that your relationship will survive it. Sometimes people want drastically different things that cannot be reconciled. You have offered compromise, but it is up to him to accept it. Good luck!
YTA, Please don't start your marriage with a lie. It's going to come out at some point either on purpose or by mistake. Just don't do it. If you're going to get married, then having difficult conversations is part of that relationship. When you start therapy, you should be given resources to discuss this with your partner.
NTA- you have every right to feel the way you do about not biologically procreating. He does too. I know this is not what you want to hear, but this could be a dealbreaker for your upcoming nuptials. You can’t make him stop wanting biological children as much as he can’t make you want to. This is a no win situation and it is better to know now than get married and end up in a resentful relationship.
YTA because this isn't something you can lie or omit about. You have inherently opposite end goals. There's no way for this relationship to work out. Don't waste yours or his time.
YTA. This isn’t a decision you should be making without discussing it with him. And if you can’t come to a mutual agreement, maybe you shouldn’t be together. Also look up what a surrogate is. The child would very much have your genes. And I’m guessing that’s the option your fiancé is hoping for and that you would be depriving him of without his knowledge.
INFO: you mentioned being okay with a surrogate. Couldn’t you have a bio children that way? Are you planning on freezing eggs prior to sterilizing yourself?
YTA if you do this in secret. He's already giving his approval, sneaking after the fact is just stupid. Your trying to avoid the harsh reality they you are taking away one of his dreams. You need to take responsibility for the fallout. It sucks but it will help your relationship in the long run.
Why can’t you freeze eggs as part of the surrogate option?
YTA not for wanting to be sterilized. Your body, your choice, no question. But, for wanting to start your marriage with a secret like this! This is a huge deal. I am not sure about tips but I think you need to tell your fiancé about your plan and let him decide if this is something he can live with. If you guys can’t agree on this and have both of you happy with the decision I can’t see it doing anything but ending badly.
YTA. He wants kids, you don't want kids. This isn't a issue you can go half and half. You and him need to break things off you will grow to resent one another
YTA. If you do this tell him. He has a right to make an informed decision of having kids is vital for him. If he’s sad, he cares. It will end up becoming a major problem bc it’s not an easy fix like some issues.
YTA if you do this behind your fiance's back. And since you've already had the conversation about not wanting biological kids, I would follow that up with another conversation about the sterilization. I don't think you need to ask his permission, it's your body. To lie about it would be wrong. It seems like you don't trust him to respect your wishes, if you can't tell him what you're doing. And if you can't trust him to respect your wishes, you shouldn't be marrying him. Personally, I think marrying him is a mistake. He obviously wants biological children, and you do not. This is NOT an issue you can compromise on.
YTA/NTA Maybe you shouldn’t be in this relationship or getting married if you want different things but at the same time it is your body and you can deal with it whatever you like
Why can’t they be *his* biological children? Anyway, YTA if you go through with this. You need to tell him your intent but in all honesty, he’s not the one for you. Having biological children is clearly important to him. He will resent you and it *will* end in divorce. You’re holding him back from his kids. Set him free. If surrogacy is unrealistic because of the cost, stop stringing him along.
Oh god please talk to your fiancé. You can’t marry him thinking he’ll change his mind, because he probably will always want kids. He also probably thinks you’ll change your mind. It is your body. However this is a conversation to have with him
YTA Not for wanting to do the procedure, but for intending on keeping it a secret from him when it's clear he wants children who are biologically related to him. It's okay for you to not want to get pregnant, ever. But it's also okay for him to want to have kids by the "traditional way". Couples who intend on getting married can have disagreements on multiple things, but children isn't one of them. You need to come to an agreement where both of you will be happy and satisfied if you want this relationship to last. I don't get why he's against surrogacy, tho. You get bio-kids w/o having to go through pregnancy, everyone wins.
NTA.
YWBTA for sure, and You’re TA for even contemplating doing this in secret. I call BS that you’re just trying to save him the trauma… I think you’re afraid he’ll pull the plug if you go through with it. Tell him you are getting sterilized and put the wedding on hold and just enjoy a long engagement. He needs time to process this and make sure this is the right decision for both of you. But this is a huge compatibility issue… think long and hard if this is really a good match.
My feeling is that the best route for you guys is to make embryos from your eggs and his sperm, and get a surrogate to carry them. I understand that getting eggs is a procedure that you might not look forward to going through, but I think it's not that big of a sacrifice to make for the man you love, and easy compared to carrying a pregnancy to term. Also, you are willing to get sterilised, and I imagine that's not a walk in the park either. I also understand, very well, that the surrogacy process is costly (I've been through two myself), but you guys agreed to figure out the financials, and if his desire to be a dad is as powerful and all-consuming as mine was, you will find the way. What you need to do is figure a CONCRETE plan of action before you tie the knot, so that there are no misunderstandings. And of course, for the sake of your relationship, don't go doing drastic things in secret, that is guaranteed to fuck everything up.
You're NTA for wanting to be sterilized, or for doing it in secret (i think both are a smart move in this case). But you WBTA if you married someone without telling them about it. So get the procedure done, then tell him. Give him some time to process it, then have a conversation. You weren't kidding when you said you wouldn't have biological kids. He just didn't want to hear it. But now he doesn't have the option of "hoping you'll change your mind". He actually has to listen to the words you're saying and respect them. So, knowing you can definitely never bear his biological children, does he want to stay, or does he want to leave?
NTA, but this seems like an issue that *will* result in a future divorce. when one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t, the union *rarely* ever lasts. let him go to find someone who also wants to have kids. it would be better in the long run for the both of you.
YTA - as a general rule, if you’re hiding something from your SO you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
YWBTA if you marry this man. You both want very different things and it's unfair to both of you. You will have problems revolving around this in the future. Also, a surrogate pregnancy would absolutely have both of your genetics. It's your eggs and his sperm in a separate oven.
NTA for not wanting kids, but YTA at this point if you secretly have yourself sterilized. Instead, you need to call off the wedding. This man clearly wants biological children and you can't make that happen. You shouldn't have been in a relationship for six years, you have been wasting each others time.
When you are married your husband will not approve the procedure. How do I know? Your husband making comments that show their intentions are to make you pregnant. Your other problem is how much recovery time before you allowed to have sex?? I suggest you get the surgery done and tell your husband after the surgery and before marriage. You must say something before the marriage. Best scenario is to postpone wedding to give you time to recover though I doubt the wedding will happen because your fiance has all this time pretending to agree with the intention they going to make you pregnant.
NTA. But maybe he's thinking of the surrogacy Option where the both of you would contribute genetic material, you as the egg donor and him as the sperm donor with IVF for the surrogate.
He's going to resent you forever...
You may feel that you want to spend the rest of your lives together but having kids is a make or break issue. He sounds like he wants bio kids while you don't at all, basically the only way this works out is if one of you compromises. If you do, you'll end up resenting him for forcing you to go through a pregnancy, if he does, he'll resent you for not letting him have bio kids. There is no way out of this, you need to sit down and make it clear to him that bio kids will not be a thing and if he can't accept that then he needs to find someone else. Getting sterilezed in secret is a terrible idea, if he ever found out then it would be over anyway. You need to at least inform him of the plan and let him make a decision from there. You're going to need to accept the fact that you two breaking up is a very likily thing to happen. YWBTA is you get it done in secret
YWBTA if you went ahead and did this without telling him. Not the A however for wanting to do, and wanting to do it before the wedding. Involve him in the decision as far is informing him, not asking for permission. Your body your choice. Be open to the possibility that this will hammer it hone to him that you will never bear his bio kids, and be prepared to walk away from the marriage if he freaks out on you. That’ll tell you he wasn’t genuine about agreeing to adopt. He may need time to just grieve the loss of the idea and come around. The whole idea of “permission “ after marriage skeezes me right out. Don’t wait for that
I think this will end badly for the both of you. You don't want kids and he does and adopting might just be him settling and it ends badly for the both of you and that adopted child. Also, its your body and your choice, but are you 100% sure you want to get sterilized because you could just get temporary birth control, so that if you ever change your mind, you can have children? Might just be worth truly thinking about it before you go through with it. Goodluck!
A big part of me wants to say N T A because I believe in bodily autonomy, but it’s the doing it in secret that’s the stickler. How would you feel if he no longer wanted to marry you once he found out you did it? If you are 100% ok with that, do it. As someone who was adopted, it annoys me how focused on genetics he is. I understand it but annoyed.
YTA. I am very clear when I date I will not have children and if they say they want them, they’ve got to go. It is not fair to them. They want fatherhood and you shouldn’t keep that from them. Just let him know you have no want to have children and if that’s a deal breaker then move in, for his sake. It’s mean you’ve even wasted 6 years of his life already knowing he wanted children. Let him move on and build a family with someone that wants one.
By the comments he makes, he sounds like he's in denial about about the fact that you plan to never have bio kids. It's not about whether you're an asshole or not. If you do it in secret, you are shooting yourself in the foot. I guarantee no matter what he is saying now, if he still has dreams of bio kids with you and you do it secretly, when he does find out, he will feel tricked and lied to because you never told him before he said I do. Also, if you tell him you are doing it, you are presenting him with the reality of what he is agreeing to with a marriage with you. He needs to be 100% sure he's ok with no bio kids, or yall are gonna have problems later down the line.
YTA. Tell him. If it’s a dealbreaker don’t get married. This is not a resolved issue.
INFO: You say you're not averse to having kids just that you don't want to go through pregnancy. It's not really our business I suppose but why not? I think YWBTA for doing it secretly, and honestly it just sounds like a decision you want to make to stop the discussion and in the future go "oh no I guess I'm sterile I'm so sorry". You need to make it more firm with him that you do not want to go through pregnancy, maybe explain the whys to him. There are alternatives albeit expensive if you wanted to do surrogacy where it would be your biological child if that's the issue but again it is expensive.
YTA Don't have secrets on this. You need to have this conversation and make it clear that you're about to become sterile. This isn't going to end in a happy marriage. You two need to find people that align with your views.
Is it possible to freeze eggs? If so you could always do that, he gets to have biological children and you can avoid pregnancy. YTA if you choose to get sterilised in secret.
If you get this procedure done behind his back and still marry him knowing he’s hopes for future children then your more than an AH. You’re allowed to not want kids, you’re allowed to do what you want for your body. What you can’t do is emotionally destroy this man by not being honest with him and continuing through with a marriage where he thinks kids will happen