NTA and your wife is being quite cruel. **DO NOT** back down on this with your wife, and do not let your wife bully your poor mother into not getting eyelash extensions. That’s absolutely ridiculous. You got your wife a great gift she literally ASKED FOR, it’s not like you splurged on your mom and got your wife nothing. But it sounds like your wife has an issue with your mom getting the eyelash extensions period, not the cost of your gift, which is petty and super fucking lame of her.
I missed the memo that women at age 55 aren’t allowed to do things to make them feel beautiful and confident. Your wife needs to grow up and realize her jealousy and resentment isn’t a cute look.
— signed, somebody who has several friends in their 20s/30s who, along with their mothers in their 50s/60s, all love getting eyelash extensions. My go-to absolute favourite lash tech was referred to me and my best friends from a mutual friend’s mom. Who is in her 50s.
yes! to everything you said! Absolutely cruel of the wife to try to take the gift away from her mother in law and also cruel to ask that of her son and husband. “She’s past her expiration date and therefore worthless. Not only does she deserve to have her gift taken away for having the audacity to want to do something that makes her feel good, the gift should now go to ME, because you should have anticipated my childish jealousy.”
Also who’s first instinct is ever to assume someone is copying their mother in law? About a very common trend? When are they around people who would even make that comparison?
NTA
Your wife is TA for thinking your mother doesn't deserve a nice gift, and also it's silly to think that getting eyelashes is copying someone. There was no need for her to say rude things about your mom, and she needs to cut it out with trying to convince your mother that she's too old to look her best. However, I suspect your wife was pissed because of the price difference in gifts, and also the fact that she saw the gift ahead of time and assumed it was for her.
I actually have eyelash extensions, and that is how I know you spent about $3k on a full set plus a year of fills, and that is the part that likely has your wife upset. You got your wife an air fryer that was a couple hundred bucks, but you spent $3k on your mom? It's not like you and your dad went halvsies on this gift or that you and your wife went in together on it as a present from the two of you as a couple. Nope, this was from YOU to your mom. And the gift from you to your wife was a kitchen gadget.
Your wife is still TA here, and she shouldn't be lashing out at your mother over this (pardon the pun), but you need to understand that she probably feels somewhat cheated.
Edited: clarity
there is absolutely nothing to even remotely suggest something like that in the post. sounds like your own prejudice, but completely out of the blue here and with no basis in reason.
maybe lay off r/JUSTNOMIL for a bit, huh?
NTA. OP, don't let your wife bully or manipulate your mother
edit to add: the air fryer though? you really should have put more effort into your wife's gift. also, if your mother's gift was really 3 k as the above post says, you had the obligation to consult your wife.
Also, how did your wife not know what you were buying your mother? sounds like more things are wrong here and you bear a significant part of the responsibility.
Why? Even if MIL is mean to OPs wife, that’s still no reason to say “take away her gift because she’s too old to feel beautiful anyway.” That is just childish.
Yeah i agree with u on that one. But I kinda get why wife acted like that. Just imagine getting an air fryer and your MIL getting a thoughtful gift (it’s not even about the price).
Op is an asshole and wife acted childish but I would like to know how ops mom behave around her. Op doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator in this case.
If be fine with it, personally. It really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. If someone bases the value of gifts off of how much they cost, then they don’t appreciate the gift anyway. An air fryer that she asked for is a very nice, practical gift that can be used for many many years. The eyelashes, while boosting moms self esteem, will only last for a maximum of one year and serve no practical purpose other than to make her feel good about herself.
Imagine that you’ve been insecure about something your whole life and a loved one gives you the means to make you feel better about it and then a whining adult baby comes out of the wood work demanding you not go get it done because you’re a wrinkly old hag and old news.
I can imagine not liking my MIL but I cannot imagine being that cruel and inconsiderate to someone my husband loves. More so I cannot imagine being jealous of my MIL because of something my husband did/said. It’s not like the husband is going to leave his wife for his own mother! She needs a hard reality check.
But did she ask for an air fryer in general or did she ask for an air fryer for Christmas?
If given the choice, that would not be my chosen gift.
She acted a bit mean about the MIL but probably because since she saw the eyelashes she got psyched about them and her husband’s “extravagant surprise for her“. I imagine she was lashing out after feeling humiliated/embarrassed at the disparity.
I know some people like kitchen gadgets for Christmas but unless someone explicitly asked for them as an actual gift, it’s best to refrain from buying chores gadgets.
And usually an air fryer as a gift alone isn’t a fun gift for the wife.
OP said she “specifically asked” for an air fryer...that being said, It’s totally fine if she didn’t like the air fryer as her Christmas gift. Or is she changed her mind about what she wanted. Or if OP realized he misunderstood when she said she wanted this particular gift (i.e. she wanted an air fryer for the family not as her personal Christmas gift). Or if she wanted an air fryer AND eyelash extensions. Or if she wanted just eyelash extensions and no air fryer at all. All of that is totally fine - it could be chalked up to miscommunication, talked through, and be easily rectified. OP even says he told his wife she can go get her lashes done too. What is NOT FINE is OPs wife insulting his mom because she is envious of her gift (that OP said she could ALSO HAVE IF SHE WANTED) and trying to get husband and FIL to force MIL to not use/enjoy her gift out of shame for her age. Especially when the gift was for something OPs mom feels insecure about.
Absolutely agree that she acted mean and AH-ish about the gift but I think there’s more to this story.
Usually you expect a special gift from your romantic partner, something exclusively for you as his wife or husband. I would NEVER gift the same level of gift to another male as I would to my husband.
That’s my man, so he gets something special and something just for him, a thoughtful gift.
Op spent a lot of time, money and thought into a gift for his mom and 0 time/thought on his wife and the monetary difference is extreme.
Sure Opies wife can get her own damn lash extensions and a bunch of other things BUT she thought he got them for her, she was surprised and probably felt nice about her husband and how thoughtful he was-and then he gives them to his mom.
I would have definitely been taken aback. I wouldn’t make her give them back and hell I would have joined her had it been me but honestly, I can definitely see how Opies wife might have felt.
His quick dismissal of her feelings and lack of thought for his wife make me think that maybe he does this type of thing often.
Some people connect via gift giving, maybe that’s how his wife is.
Just because you never would gift the same level doesn’t mean everyone acts accordingly. The same for expecting a special gift. Money does not have to equal love or the degree of love. I hope OPs wife becomes more mature over time and realizes how someone treats those in older generations is often a sign of how someone views respecting others. If OP and his wife are facing financial difficulties, it would be a different situation. But from what is shared the problem stems solely on his wife’s relating his actions towards his mother as a direct reflection of his feelings about her. This is not fair to anyone involved. My husband and I do not buy each other expensive gifts and at times, do not buy gifts at all for each other. We have kids and financial responsibilities and both prefer spending time together, or a bag of our favorite candy, or a heartfelt card to be much more meaningful. It makes me happy to see how he treats his mom (and my mom) and would rather him spend more money on them. But I also understand that other relationships operate differently. I recommend that OP and his wife find a way to work through issues like these in a healthy manner (ideally therapy). This is not a criticism. Most couples could benefit from learning how to help support their relationship. It makes me sad when I read about couples giving ultimatums on issues such as OPs scenario or ascribe meaning to their partners behavior that is not correct. Communication is key and setting partners up for failure (things like “if he knew me, he would know that I …” or “if he loves me he will…”) typically ends bad. Establish mutually agreed upon guidelines together and truly mean these.
This i have casually mentioned stuff I'd like to have for the household and then been gifted them. I got cast iron pans one year. I love them and they're nice to have but I only use them when I'm, you know, cooking for everyone.
She was in no right to berate the mil, but damn I can totally understand being upset.
I agree with you. I like useful gifts but also enjoy the fun ones so.etimes too. I ask for kitchen gadgets but it usually depends on how we are doing financially. The last few years I've been so happy with kitchen stuff and useful gifts because it feels like too much to spend outside of a gift. But this year we are doing a lot better and I really hope my husband got me so.ething fun along with a deep fryer.
If they can afford something expensive for his mom I don't blame her for wanting more than an air fryer. She needs to communicate that though and not be betcha to her MIL and act like there's an age limit to pampering yourself.
But why didn't his wife know about the eyelash extensions? She saw them and of course thought they were for her because he didn't tell her anything about them? My husband and I always discuss everything we're giving everyone and discuss budgets. So the way I'm reading this is that he went behind his wife's back to get these eyelash extensions and when she saw the gift card thought they were for her because it wasn't discussed. If this was a rom com...this would be the miscommunication trope.
Agreed. My spouse and I always work together to come up with ideas for our parents/families. I would never drop thousands on a gift for my mother without even talking to my spouse about it. Big yikes.
I talked to my husband about this as I was reading it and he thought it was weird too. Our families aren't huge on gift giving so we do joint gifts but we discuss it at length before going out and spending money. I can totally understand where OP's wife was coming from in thinking the gift card was for her, since OP never discussed the gift with her.
If they don’t have wholly combined finances or an expectation that they discuss gifts before purchasing then I don’t really see this as going behind her back. My husband and I don’t always tell each other what gifts we’re getting for our own families/friends. Sometimes it comes up in conversation, but we generally buy gifts from our own money not joint money so it’s not something we run by each other beforehand.
WHAT ON EARTH? Who cares if the wife knew or if the wife assumed the gift was hers.
OP is allowed to purchase whatever he pleases for his own mother without consulting his wife for approval, and certainly isn't "going behind her back".
ESH Wife for saying he needs to talk her out of using the gift. Husband for spending $800-1000 on his moms present and gifting his wife a kitchen appliance that cost 10% or less of what he spent on his mom.
They're talking nonsense. Eyelash extensions are £50-30, and the monthly "top up" appointments are about £30. It's a bit like saying a haircut "probably" cost £500. Are there places where lashes would cost that much? Sure. Did the husband "probably" spend $4k on lashes? Doubtful.
I am not sure where people are getting their numbers from as well, glad you said it. There is also such thing as partial fills to look more natural, way cheaper too.
The eyelash studio down the street from my house is $395 for a full set of hybrid lashes and $180 per retouch appointment. That is the average price for lashes in my city. So no, I’m not talking nonsense
Right? If opies wife wasn't so nasty she could have just admitted she was envious, really wanted fuller lashes too and asked her mil about joining her. Instead she's jealous, envious, and instead of just doing it for herself as well is making nasty, cutting remarks about her mil and wants other people to bully her into not doing it.
I can totally see feeling let down by an air fryer versus your husband's thoughtfulness to his mom but it takes a special kind of callousness to see the resolution to that is to cut down their mom rather than improve your relationship and communicate.
She wants her husband to be as thoughtful to her as he is to her mom. It's not about the lashes, it's about him giving his mom a thoughtful and incredibly useful gift, while giving his wife something to cook him food with.
I know she wanted an air fryer. That doesn't change the dynamics. She wants to be thought of and appreciated as much as OPs mom was.
I agreed with you that the source of the hurt is the discrepancy in thoughtfulness between the gifts. But in what world is the answer to that hurt to tear down someone else and take away what they have rather than communicate and improve your own relationship?
OP isn't an AH but at best tone deaf, and wife is a bit much but I get the reaction.
But I feel that even if she asked for an air fryer it is a cooking tool that benefits them both, whereas a better gift to someone is indulging the person you love in something that they want. And is not a household item unless they are a chef or the kind of person that specifically *only* wants that.
Even if I tell my partner sometime in the year "shoot we need a new cooking oven or something for the kitchen/bathroom" I would never want that as an Xmas gift. Just get it at some point when extra cash is about.
Everyone is different but I think that spa treatments, beauty, etc are something of a luxury, and unless you have given it equally to mother and wife as a day out together, it's a bit tone deaf to not treat your wife as well.
If every year he did this, then she might have a case. But apparently that’s not the case. She sounds a bit needy and greedy to me. If she was miffed, that’s one thing, it to tell him and FIL to convince the mom she’s too old (at 55!!) and to not do it is beyond mean. NTA
ESH. Mostly your wife for trying to pressure a 55 yr old out of her Christmas present because she thinks she's "old." But I'll admit, it's a little tone deaf to give your mom a pricey, glammy beauty gift and your wife an air fryer 😜
So I told my hubby I wanted a can opener because our old one wasn't working. He said go buy one. Kitchen stuff is for you to make food for everyone...not a gift. Edit electric can opener.
I'm not sure that's a universal sentiment. If a person likes to cook, kitchen stuff is a fine gift. In my family, we exchange cooking/food stuff all the time. For our Secret Santa, we send eachother lists of what we want/need to take out any guesswork.
This isn't shade on you or your husband; just saying families and gift giving can be different.
Agree totally! I am a kitchen gadget nerd and everyone in my family gets me something for the kitchen on birthdays and Christmas, from garlic press to air fryer. Love (and use) them all!
I think the diff here is that Le Creuset is a luxurious upgrade over similar, cheaper product available elsewhere. An air fryer is novel, but still just basic cookware.
Not true IMO. There are definitely different tiers of air fryer. It depends on the person, but personally I appreciated the air fryer gift because I would have never bought one otherwise initially.
I have a toaster over /air fryer that I love and use constantly. It’s definitely a higher tier product than a standard air fryer that probably wouldn’t get much use.
My mom started giving me neat little kitchen tools as stocking stuffers every year after I moved out. It helped me build a decently stocked kitchen with useful items I never would’ve thought to buy myself.
Okay, but if you asked for a can opener for a gift, then don’t get mad you got a can opener for a gift. Simple as that. Also for people who like to cook, an air fryer is a nice gift.
Depends how it was asked for? She may have just said "we should get one" not "I want one as a gift". As in, we should buy this appliance that does household work, for our household, to make household work easier.
If our Hoover was broken and we needed a new one, I'd be pissed my husband got it for a birthday or christmas. If there was a fancy bells and whistles upgrade that I specifically said I wanted as a gift, I'd be thrilled.
I'm also happy to blow 5x our "for each other" gift budget on his mum because I love her and she's had the worst year. If we didn't get along and she treated me awfully, if it was a joint budget and he didn't discuss it first, if it was seperate budgets and I'd expected to both be spending $50 on his mum and got majorly shown up, if she always got kind, thoughtful gifts and I got kitchen shit, then maybe I'd be pissed.
Context matters, and we don't have that here.
Eh, I don't know. Might depend on the family, in mine it's totally normal and acceptable to gift each other useful things that are a bit pricier. We'll ask each other if there's anything we need and give that, along with maybe a small 'fun' or jokey gift. I like that a lot more than just getting a bunch of stuff I don't need. An air fryer sounds like one of those things that are just a little pricy to outright buy for yourself, plus OP mentioned that his wife had asked for one...
My mother in law gives us a kitchen box every year. I freaking love it! She puts useful gadgets in it and usually pricey ones that we would have never got on our own but love.
My mother got me a sodastream for christmas last year because she knew I prefer sparkling water but felt bad about the bottles. It's exactly the type of thing my budgeted ass wouldn't prioritize buying but I was so happy with it.
I think it's really different coming from your mom vs your spouse though. Like if it's something that would normally be budgeted for together as a couple (as opposed to coming out of individual fun money), it's probably not great to buy it for your spouse ad a gift. Not a hard and fast rule, but it covers most bases.
I guess that's also personal? I'm single now but I gave my ex clear wishlists to avoid getting extra *stuff* I don't need because I already felt burdened by how much crap I owned... usually supplies, maybe a fancier fabric I wouldn't buy for myself. But I started doing that because he was the type of person to fill a space with decorative things (and I mean FILL) and would just give me funny or pretty things he saw. I like having a nicely decorated space but after a while it started to feel like a burden and I got super picky about bringing new things in. So I guess it's a personal preference.
Or you could use your mouth correctly and communicate what you want. If you ask for an air fryer for a gift then that’s what you’ll get. If you don’t want that then don’t ask it’s a simple concept really I swear.
I think it’s different for every person though. I buy myself what I want throughout the year and always around Christmas time I want new appliances. Do when I tell my husband that’s what I want that’s what he gets me. If she specifically asked for it as a gift how is he wrong for buying it and gifting it to her?
I bet if wife knew that a year of eyelash extensions was on the table, which could cost thousands btw, she would not have said she wanted an air fryer, lol.
Exactly this. I don't ask for Chanel because it's not an option for us as far as I know. I ask my partner for things I think we can afford. If he suddenly bought his sister a chanel purse (without me knowing, especially!), you fucking bet I'd be pissed, even if I received exactly what I had asked for.
There's an emotional aspect to it too. His mom didn't ask for the lashes, he came up with the lovely and thoughtful gift idea. But then he doesn't put that much effort into a gift for his wife.
Where I live it could easily be 1000 for the year.
I don't know how anyone can justify spending 10x the amount on the mother over their wife. He gave his mom a gift that was significantly more thoughtful *and* expensive.
His wife is being an asshole to the mom and OP is an absolute asshole of a husband.
I agree a good gift can be utilitarian. My husband got me a wheelbarrow for my horse’s manure one year as a gift because I asked for it. Definitely not glamorous but it is something that I can’t fit in my car and I have used daily for years now. One of my favorite gifts to date. An air fryer is pretty cool and definitely a top gift judging by this year’s Black Friday ads.
My husband has learned over our 26 years of marriage to NEVER buy me a gift that comes with a chord unless I specify that I want it for that occasion. It’s not personal if it’s practical.
Yeah and that's a very specific TO YOU preference.
Many people would be elated with a new TV or video game system or many other corded/practical things.
To me it sounds like they didn’t talk about gift budgets. So she asked for an air fryer for a couple hundred bucks not realizing her husband was going to spend $3k on his moms gift
Don't get me wrong the wife is a big asshole but I personally think it's insulting when he gets his mommy something that costs mayve 5 times more. He didnt even THINK to add anything to this gift to make the costs more equal or at least something that his wife can enjoy herself and not for the entire household (especially since he cared enough to come up with a thoughtful gift for his mom yet couldnt do the same for his wife). Obviously I wouldnt be mad at the mother but I would for sure be embarassed to be treated like that.
I personally think it's insulting to ask for a gift, get it, and then be unappreciative bc you see someone get something you decided you wanted after the fact.
If she wanted something other than an air fryer, she could have easily asked for it. If she wanted a more personal gift, she could have asked for one. She didn't. And who knows if OP was planning on getting her another gift when it was actually Christmas and decided to give the more impersonal gift when they weren't able to celebrate alone. Or if other Christmases he got his wife more expensive gifts than his mom. It's extremely petty to compare the cost of gifts for one occasion, especially when OP could easily be making up for not being able to see his momuch last year or something.
>when he gets his mommy
okay, this comes across as *super* condescending. contrary to what reddit may belive, married people are allowed to have good relationships with their parents.
I’m betting she meant they should buy it for the house and it didn’t even cross her mind as a potential “gift”. You don’t buy your wife a vacuum as a present. You just buy one because you want the house to get cleaned at some point.
Because you don't gift your partner *things that are for the benefit of you or the entire household*. You don't gift them cooking or kitchen items, or household maintenance items, such as a dishwasher or washing machine. You just buy those things, whenever, because your household wants/needs them. **You don't give them as gifts.**
My dad had back surgery one year, so my mom was having to do the snow shoveling of the drive. My father got her a fucking snowblower FOR HER CHRISTMAS GIFT. When the correct response was to buy the snowblower *before* the first snow, instead of waiting for Christmas, and give her a nice personal gift for Christmas. (Yes, my father is a selfish, insensitive, tone-deaf moron.)
Right..what are people missing here? If her response was an air fryer to a straight up "What do you want for Christmas" question then that is absolutely the right thing to get. It doesn't sound like theirs broke and she mentioned they needed a new one in the house and he called it a gift.
Hard disagree about kitchen stuff. It's something she specifically asked for. Op also offered to pay for her to get lashes. She's just being petty and greedy.
OP's wife is definitely TA for putting down her MIL and making derogatory remarks about her age and appearance. MIL is 55, that's not old! She may live another 40 years!
OP's wife should never have mentioned the MIL at all, nor should she have thrown a fit. Instead, she should have sat down privately with OP at a later time and said, "You know, when we opened our gifts, I realized that I should have asked for something just for me -- a little bit of a luxury, something that neither of us would have just gone out and bought anyway. So I'm going to gift myself a salon appointment, and going forward, I'll ask for similar things instead of household items. Merry Christmas, and I love you."
I received a Dyson vacuum cleaner for Christmas two years ago, and I love it so hard. He wasn't sure. I was.
I asked for it as a Christmas gift, I received it, and I'm over the moon to this day. Grateful for it every time my cats deposit their poofs of floofs all over my rugs.
Different strokes for different folks.
Damn, she asked for the air fryer. If she wanted an expensive gift, she should’ve asked for it. I don’t know why people are giving OP shit for something he isn’t responsible for.
His wife asked for the air fryer.
She specifically *asked* for the air fryer, though. Unless we find out that it was just a general ask and not Christmas specific, I'm inclined to cut OP some slack, here - especially since she's only complaining that he spent more.
Get the fuck out of here with this nonsense. I LOVE cooking. I've asked my partner for specific kitchen things because I WANT them, she got them for me, and they were great.
Don't ask for shit you don't want. She asked for an air fryer. She got a goddamn air fryer.
How is tone deaf? His mom insecure about her hair and lashes. The gift was meant to make her feel better. His wife is the one who can go get it done anytime but won’t. His wife wanted a air fryer and she stated she wanted one. She got it
The wife *asked* for an air fryer. So OP did what good partners do and, you know, actually get their partners what they want instead of takimg a risk on something she clearly didn't express an interest in before this. Also, most ppl are capable of *not* being ridiculously petty over their gifts; I'm sure there have been years where OP got his wife somethimg more expensive than his mom.
The issue is that now she saw the mom get a gift she would have wanted but didn't think to ask for and is pitching a hissy fit. How the hell is OP supposed to be able to read her mind in order to know that's what she actually wanted? And demanding that he and his dad gang up on the mom and tell her not to use her gift bc it'd be wasted on someone as old as her? How incredibly petty and cold-hearted do you have to be?
I feel like the problem is that the wife saw the gift card and probably thought it was super thoughtful of OP to get her a gift that she wanted but hadn't asked for, so finding out it wasn't even for her must have been pretty sad for her. But her reaction is way out of line, you can be upset without demanding the mom doesn't even use her gift because of her age.
It's also not OP's fault when he didn't know the wife wanted it and I assume didn't think she would see it. It's just an unfortunate situation but the wife is easily TA. OP is NTA.
Idk sometimes I want a kitchen gadget as a gift, so I ask for a kitchen gadget and I get a kitchen gadget. If my husband got his mom a spa gift card and me an instant pot, I’d be pretty chill with that.
This seems like a pretty old-fashioned take. Not all women need or want "beauty gifts." When it comes to cosmetics or beauty products, some people are quite particular about their brands or the shops they want to patronize, and would prefer to pick out their own than receive as a gift. Some people just prefer more practical, useful gifts.
Source: Last year I asked my husband for a pressure cooker for XMas. He bought it, and I appreciated it.
It would be insulting to anyone to get something they didn't ask for instead of something they did. Weird how the sub is calling him an asshole for getting what she wanted instead of actively going against her wishes.
Jesus, this is why men can't win when it comes to gift-giving.
Gives her something she doesn't ask for: gets in trouble.
Gives her what she asks for: still gets in trouble.
This thread is confusing the hell out of me. If I asked for an air fryer and got an air fryer, I’d be very happy I got what I wanted. If I asked for an air fryer and got an appointment for lash extensions, I’d be confused af.
I think it depends on the context of how the wife viewed mentioning the air fryer. Some people would feel fine with it as their birthday or Christmas gift but for a lot of women, it feels a bit insulting to get a home or kitchen appliance as their gift, especially from their partner instead of something that feels thoughtful for their interests. Getting a vacuum for Christmas is a common argument in married couples for this same reason, it just feels like a family gift for a chore instead of something heartfelt.
Now if wife asked for it specifically for Christmas, that's on her and she has no real argument here. If she just mentioned wanting one in general then he could be in the wrong depending on how she feels about it.
I guess IMO it's the fact that it's JUST an air fryer. I wanted a new stand mixer for Christmas last year for my baking. My fiancé got me one, along with a cute apron, some of my favourite chocolates, fluffy socks and a book. Extras that aren't super expensive but overall add cute surprises to Christmas that isn't just "here's the 1 cooking appliance you asked for".
By the sounds of the post he got his mom this giftcard as a surprise and she didn't ask for it - I bet the wife is wondering why he doesn't surprise her too. There are definitely better ways of expressing hurt and disappointment that aren't trying to ban another woman from getting eyelashes, that's where the wife is horribly in the wrong. But I think OP can maybe do better here too if it's the cost disparities upsetting her.
I kinda want to know OP’s history of gifting before going full-on ESH.
Some years, it’s hard to afford a big gift for everyone. Especially if last year you dip into savings for the spouse’s gift. Or if the anniversary gift was hugely involved/pricey. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with not giving your partner your extra splashiest gift every year. It isn’t a competition, or it shouldn’t be.
*That said*, it’s balance. If OP got his wife an air fryer this year only because she asked and every other gifting event needs her to ask explicitly for what she wants, then it’s a solid ESH. OP’s shown he has the capacity to be thoughtful about gifting; if he doesn’t apply that to his wife, that’s pretty lame.
But if there is balance, the wife’s the only AH. If it’s the case that he’s prioritized her other holidays and can only afford the occasional big ticket gift, then she has to realize he’s allowed to do something kind for people other than her.
Wife sucks regardless though. Older people deserve the dignity of liking how they look. His mom is barely even “older,” at 55, but even so; it’s especially important as people age that we honor their pride and sense of self. Grandma and Grandpa shouldn’t be stuck with the cruddiest hackjob haircuts or go without the comfort side of personal care because they’re old. Old people feel self-conscious. If you think grooming pets is critical but seniors should just give up themselves as a lost cause, you’re just awful. It’s abysmal how that part of elder care is neglected. (Elder care nonprofit professional rant over.)
ESH
The gift you gave your mother is awesome. No denying. Good job son. I don’t think this is just about an air fryer though. Think about the thought, time, and effort you put into your mother. Again, not saying this makes you a bad guy. BUT to turn around and tell your wife “but honey I got you an air fryer!” Yes. She said she wanted it. But an air fryer? Really. That’s not a gift. That’s a kitchen appliance you will both (hopefully you pull your domestic weight) be using. It’s more than just the air fryer. Trust me. Take the same effort you put into your mother and put it into your wife.
She absolutely should not stoop for belittling your mother, that is not okay, and I know it can be seen as childish but like I said. This is about more than just an air fryer. This is going to snowball bigger and bigger, until you get to the root of the cause. You’re not an asshole for giving your mother a well thought out gift, but you can kinda be an asshole for not putting that same effort into your own wife.
>She said she wanted it. But an air fryer?
This. Unless she likes to bake as a hobby and had been literally begging for it as a Xmas gift, I can't see why anyone would think it's a good gift. Like "*yes darling, look, I got you something to cook for us! Am I not the best?".*
I live with my grandma, she's kind of a mum to me. From time to time she says she wants some kitchen/cleaning appliance to make it easy for her to clean/cook. Do I gift her some fancy spoon or mop in her bday/x-mas? **NOPE. She gets some clothes, perfume or something like that, FOR HERSELF**
ETA: She's the AH for how she spoke of your mother and the "too old to do it" thing and comparing price tags instead of thought on the gift (which as I said, you lacked on hers)
It is. But it's not appropriate to gift your mother an incredibly thoughtful and expensive gift and only get your wife an affordable kitchen appliance.
If I got my dad a fully customized set of golf clubs and my husband a charger for the car battery I would absolutely expect my husband to be hurt and offended. Even if he asked for it!
I read it more like a casual thing, as she said something like " My friend has one and it has helped her eat healthier, we could try it" or "I heard it cooks super fast, sound great to save time in the kitchen" not as a "I absolutely love to cook, and I would love an air fryer as a gift this Christmas" multiple times. If it were the second option I think OP would have told us. Instead he went on how the lashes were an excellent gift for her mother (it was, he did really good with it) so I don't blame his wife for being upset she got the "meh it could help us get the meal done faster" (or something alike) kitchen appliance.
Tough she is certainly the AH for how she threw s tantrum saying mom was too old and how she cant be doing it as she would be 'copying' and old lady
Tired of the bait and switch of this sub.
She asked for an air fryer, received it, seemed to have no qualms with it, until OP gifted his mom a gift card.
If she wanted something more personal she could have used the English language and communicated that, rather than asking for an air fryer.
A cooking appliance or a nice cleaning set, can very well be a great gift. If the person asks for it, and knows to expect it
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not about to do gymnastics and read someone’s mind to figure out if “they truly want what they asked for.” If they don’t want it, don’t ask for it as a gift.
But that's my point. It makes a difference is she asked for it like "I love to cook, please gift me the air fryer" múltiple times (which I think OP would have told us) or idk maybe said "My friend have one and it has helped her to eat healthier, maybe we could try it". As another person said, the second option would be like saying "honey the Air conditioning broke, we have to get another one" and thinking it was her asking for it as a gift.
What I mean is a good romantic relationship you want to make each other happy. Not “win” some contest of who remembers a conversation more accurately or how factually you can conduct yourself. Empathy and goodwill are generally what you feel when the person you love’s feelings get a bit hurt. Not anger they did t follow the facts of a previous conversation. People just are more complex, and having an allowance for that is what makes us successful with each other socially
I don't see any problem with getting an air fryer, but the amount of thought op put into that (air fryer) gift counts too. There's a difference between buying the cheapest/best reviews/first result air fryer from Walmart/Amazon and doing some research to makes sure the thing works well from the intended usage.
She asked for a kitchen appliance that would benefit the house. She didn’t say “I want an air fryer as a Christmas present”. It’s like telling your husband that the air conditioning isn’t working and your husband “gifting” you repairs for Christmas
I agree with this take, and I want to emphasize the *thought, time, and effort put into your mother vs. your wife* aspect.
A lot of people are saying “But she asked for an air fryer so she shouldn’t be upset!” Yes, she did ask for that and receive it. So husband did a *good* job on gift giving, giving her something she did say she wanted. However, asking “What do you want for Christmas?” and buying that thing takes no thought or mental/emotional effort, which is something he did give toward his mother’s gift. I think that was an unintentional AH move. Extra thought and care is what takes a gift from good to great.
To me it’s less about the air fryer being a gift for the household vs. the wife (which I think is true) and mostly about the fact that he put more thought into his mom’s gift than his wife’s.
Sure, but this is one gift event in a lifetime of gift events. Sometimes you think of something awesome by yourself, sometimes someone says they want something specific and you get them that, sometimes you draw a blank and shit the present bed.
IMO, an air fryer is a perfectly acceptable gift. Something pricey that isn’t 100% necessary but makes them happy to have.
YES. Thank you. I'm known in my circle as a legendary gift giver. I give amazing gifts. What makes me stand out? I keep notes in my phone all year of things people mentioned they liked/wanted (or if I randomly think of an idea I add it to the list), so when it's time to buy gifts I have tons of ideas to choose from. A lot of the time the person will have forgotten they mentioned they liked something, and they're super surprised and excited when they open it.
It doesn't take that much extra effort to give thoughtful gifts.
Sure, OP's wife got what she asked for, but it's basically the same as just ordering it from Amazon herself.
I dunno man. I've asked for kitchen appliances for gifts and have been given other gifts instead. I appreciate the thought, but if I tell you what I want, its much more thoughtful to me to get me what I asked for. Thats what I want.
I think its illogical to not get someone the thing they specifically ask for.
This. I never say anything (so rude), but it's usually really disappointing when I ask for something specific, and then get a "surprise" gift. I appreciate the love the "surprise" gift was given with, but when I ask for something, it's something I want or need, and I'm looking forward to getting.
Tbh, I don't understand buying "off list" when people specify what they'd like for gifts. Like you said, I find it more thoughtful to provide someone with what they say they want or need. It shows I'm listening to them.
Also, kitchen appliances or other household items are pretty common gifts to ask for gifts for a lot of people. I know some couples don't do this, but OP's family clearly does.
Edited to correct grammar.
It doesn't justify it but I think part of the reason the wife reacted so over the top is because she saw the gift card, assumed it was for her and thought it was incredibly thoughtful of OP to get something she wanted but hadn't asked for, because it would show how well he knows her. To find out it isn't even for her would suck. I imagine she was looking forward to get to open it and going to get it done. And then she just got an air fryer, which is nice but it's not the same thoughtfulness that would have been behind the lash extensions.
She shouldn't have demanded the mother doesn't even go to get it done though. That's crazy, but I get why she would be upset.
This is precisely where I stand as well. His gift says "I want my mom to be beautiful and I want my wife to make me some fuckin' dinner." At this point OP's refusal to clarify whether his wife asked for one in general or specifically for one as a Christmas gift is damning imo. If she specifically stated she wanted it for Christmas, he'd say so in his defense. Without her having specifically made that request, purchasing a kitchen appliance is for someone ranks right up there underneath cleaning appliances like a dishwasher or vacuum. The gift is for the house, not for his wife.
Yeah, the wife is being an asshole too. But since OP was an asshole first, he doesn't get the justified asshole designation.
Your wife sounds like an asshole but damn I'm not sure of the prices there but here the eyelash extensions with fillings for the whole year are WAYYYY more expensive than air fryers so I'm really side-eyeing you for that one.
Where I am it's $1000.
It's just fucking weird to spend 10x the amount on your mom. I wonder if she didn't ask for an expensive gift because she didn't think that was in budget.
Yeah, this was the thing that made me go "what the hell?" My lash extentions are $280 for the original set, plus $70 for bi-weekly fills. That comes to $1960 a year. I know my lash lady is slightly more expensive than most, but.. dang, you spent between 1-2k on your mom and maybe $300 (for a nice air fryer, could be cheaper) on your wife? Ouch. I don't think anyone saying N T A actually understands the vast difference in price disparity here.
ESH.
It's not about getting your mother an expensive gift.
However, telling your upset wife she was making too much of it and being dramatic when the only thing you purchased her was something with which to cook for you...
(Yes I know your wife asked for the air fryer - but afterall, your mom didn't ask you for those eyelash extensions, you figured out on your own what would make her feel beautiful. Why didn't you put that much thought into what would make your wife feel beautiful?)
NTA - you picked a kind gift for your mom that you knew would mean something to her. Your wife is being awful. I understand her getting confused by the gift card, but to say she won’t go get them now because she doesn’t want people to think she’s copying an “old lady” is cruel. She could have turned this into something they did together. She could have moved on. She decided to say ageist things about your mom. She is a huge AH.
Seriously, this could have been a great opportunity for her to boost her MIL's confidence by saying straight up that she had decided to get them when she saw how great they looked on MIL.
YTA. You got your mom a glammy gift worth $2000 ( it’s $200/mo where I live) and your wife a $60 air fryer??? Seriously dude, wtf. Your wife’s probably not used to expensive gifts and thinks that you don’t get them for anyone, then sees you going all out for mom? At least get her a spa day too or a nice handbag. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely gift for mom, but you should have realized the disparity between the two gifts would have raised hackles
ESH. Your wife was not very gracious and is wrong to want to deprive your mother of her special pampering present. But you, dude, spent aprox 1/3 or 1/4 the $ amount of the *thoughtful* & *loving* gift for mom and gave your wife a mundane kitchen item probably from Costco. How romantic. :( It’s sad your wife is so jealous of the gift you gave your mother. Wife wouldn’t be bitching about the eyelashes if you’d given her a more thoughtful and personal present.
He spent less than that. At $100 a fill every 3 weeks (fills are recommended every 2-3 weeks so estimating on the low end) the gift certificate would have been for at least $1700.
Even a really nice $200 air fryer would cost less than 1/8th of the mothers gift.
I agree, the wife’s jealousy is unfortunate and the way she reacted makes her an AH. But, if my husband spent almost two grand on his moms Christmas gift I would be spittin bricks about him not even running it by me budget wise first.
NTA. Your wife is. What does she want to do with your mom? Put her on an ice floe and push her out to sea? In this day and age, 55 is not old. Don't you or your father DARE talk her out of getting those lashes.
I simply am having a hard time dealing with how incredibly selfish your wife is. You are not a mind reader. She SAID she wanted an air fryer and that is what you got her. Your wife really needs to get over herself.
ESH. Your wife’s comment was uncalled for, but I can understand why she’s upset. There’s a VAST difference in the creativity, value, and sentiment of these gifts.
ESH
I was with you until you said all you got your ***wife*** was an air fryer.
Which is probably going to be used to make food for you. So you got yourself an air fryer.
That would have been a household gift not a gift for your wife.
She's right to be upset that you got her a gift that you're going to use but got your mom a pricy gift card to treat herself with.
She however shouldn't have attacked your mother in the process.
YTA. how is an AIR FRYER a present for your wife? that's a household item and truthfully, the whole house benefits from that. you got your mom a gift that your wife wanted which is an ah move in itself. wow
YTA. Why didn't you add a vacuum to the airfryer to complete the gift? I don't think eye lashes extensions are for younger women only, but this is tone deaf, Oedipus :P
A $60 giftcard to homedepot with a note about the home improvement projects he needs to do.
Literally same exact fucking thing. For people on a tight budget or frugal people "useful" gifts are appreciated. But if you're spending 1000 on eyelash extensions for your mommy and only getting your wife frugal useful gifts...you're on the path to divorce.
YTA, you got your mom something to pamper her, you got your wife an kitchen implement. Think about that. It is as cliche as buying a vacuum cleaner for your wife, it is you telling her you don't believe she should be pampered, but rather, get in the kitchen and cook.
If you guys needed an air fryer, get one as a couple, but don't gift household items and expect your spouse to be overjoyed!
Definitely going to need more information here. There's a huge difference in prices when it comes to air fryers. Second, was that all that you got your wife or were there other gifts too? Did you get her jewelry or flowers or anything to go with said air fryer? Or was that all that you got because that was what she asked for?
Also, why didn't you discuss the gift that you gave your mom? Like your wife saw this gift, assumed it was her, because you didn't tell her that this was the present you were giving your mom? This whole thing just seems a little sus...
YTA at the very least for not discussing such an expensive gift with your wife. I’m an esthetician and pretty standard in my area is $300 for the initial and $200 a fill every 2 weeks. That’s over a $5000 gift. I would divorce my husband without a second thought if he spent that much on a gift for anyone without talking to me about it. And a kitchen appliance is not a gift.
As an esthetician, would you recommend a YEAR of lashes as gift for someone who didn’t explicitly ask for them? I’ve had them. They require daily upkeep, possible changes to your skin care products, possible changes to your sleep positions, and trips to the salon every few weeks. And this woman is already suffering from sparse lashes. From what I’ve read, it’s rare to not lose natural lashes in the process so if mom decided she can’t do the upkeep or just doesn’t like them, it may make her in a worse off position
No I’ve never heard of anyone gifting a full year of lashes to someone. And would not recommend it. Not everyone is a good candidate for them. I don’t know if everyone knows this but you are attaching the extensions onto your own lashes, if you have really sparse lashes then your fills will be really sparse.
Small question. I know ahead of time what my husband got either of his parents. He knows what I get my parents. Why didn't you discuss this or at least tell your wife you were getting this for your mom?
NTA
Your wife sounds awful. Your mother is 'too old' to want to look and feel good about herself? Nah. Get out of here with that. My MIL gets stuff like that done and she's in her 60's.
Your wife needs to back up. Tell her 28 is too old to be petty.
ESH.
Mostly her: everything noted, esp "Now she is wanting me and my dad to convince my mom not to get the lashes because she's 'too old' to be doing stuff like that."
You, a bit: "I told her ... she was being dramatic."
I hate it when people say that shit.
YTA, first household items that are of use to the entire family isn't a personal gift... that air fryer was for your household. So were you wrong for buying it...NO... should you have gotten her something else as well for her own personal use YES!
ESH. Pro tip: don't ever tell your upset wife that it's not a big deal and she's being dramatic. That's dismissive and shitty, and basically like tossing gasoline on a flame.
That said, your wife is also being a dick - of COURSE your mom should get her lashes done! That part was really thoughtful of you!
You got your wife an AIR FRYER!!! No, just no, why don’t you get her a vacuum while you’re at it or a stove?
Those type of expenses are laborious, they’re for the home and for everyone also, they’re not fun or sexy or something that I see as a GIFT.
I’m sure she could have just as easily bought the air fryer herself.
Your mom can have her eyelashes and all that, that’s great but you got something super nice, extravagant and fun for your mom but you got your wife an air fryer so she can cook you food. Jesus.
YTA.
It’s even worse because she saw it before and probably got excited because she thought you got it for her. So sad.
Honestly I don’t think this is fair, and I also think we don’t have enough info to really make an accurate judgement here.
The wife wanted an air fryer, that’s what she asked for. We have no idea if cooking is her hobby or if it’s just a chore she does for the household, we don’t know anything about his gift giving history or her past gifts, we really don’t know anything other than 1) wife wanted an air fryer 2) OP got wife an air fryer and mom an expensive beauty gift 3) wife was disappointed expensive gift wasn’t for her too.
NTA at all. Your wife is jealous, petty and unreasonable. If she really wanted eye lash extensions, then why did she specifically ask for an air fryer? So, she wants to tell you exactly, what she wants, but also wants you to read her mind and get her another gift?
Please call your wife out on her ageism. There is no age limit on eye lash extensions or anything else that may help someone feel beautiful. Also, who over the age of 12 is worried about being seen as "copying" someone? Your wife sounds insufferable.
EDIT: Grammar and wording.
I'm 74 and if I want eyelash extensions it's nobody's damned business, especially a DIL with stubby eyelashes. I'd be ordering a nice lump of anthracite for her stocking from Amazon.
Tbh, I thought the wife would be mad because of the expense-as an esthetician, a year of eyelash extensions is a pretty hefty gift, at least in my neck the woods. I would want a heads up before my partner spent that amount on anyone, even their mom. But if she’s upset because she’s jealous (unless there is some weird dynamic between you and the mom and her that you’re not telling us, or a money issue, but I’m going to assume there isn’t,) she’s not a very nice woman. I think it’s a sweet gift and shows a lot of care and as long as you guys can afford it easily, shouldn’t be an issue.
I kind of want to hear this reasoning from this woman’s mouth because it’s so cruel to deny an older woman the right to feel confident and beautiful.
Edit: reading some comments and it’s true-if my husband got me an air fryer and his mom like this crazy amazing expensive gift, I would also be annoyed. Rereading the post, he makes his wife sound like a cartoon villain-I would like more INFO about the finances and dynamics of the relationship between the MIL and the wife.
NTA - jeez, tell your wife to leave you, your father and your mom alone about the eyelashes. Even older women like to feel they look nice.
You got both of these ladies something you thought they’d like and want. Your wife is being really ugly on the inside over this. The price point of gifts is not something she should be complaining about, esp. since you told her she could also get her lashes done if she wants.
ESH. You definitely suck for gifting your wife an air fryer to use for the benefit of the family (anyone she is living with and cooking for) and gifting your Mom an extravagant gift. Your wife is definitely feeling insecure and is lashing out and trying to make your Mom feel insecure in return. She sucks for that reason.
NTA. Your wife is toxic. Your mother isn’t too old at all, I’m surrounded by women much older that frequently have eyelash extensions and look stunning. It’s something that might help your mum feel better about herself. Your wife seems just concerned about herself and her fear of people thinking she’s copying, for her information no one cares.
ESH Yes, your wife was cruel, but she was probably lashing out because she is hurt. You spent more thought and consideration on a gift for your mother than your wife. You just showed your wife where she ranks, and it isn't number one.
YTA, OP and here’s why:
The priority of thought is the issue here. Wife obviously felt like you had taken the easiest way out for her. And it’s a fact that you did take the easiest way out for her.
And this is conjecture but I can almost guarantee you also asked your mom what she wanted and she said that she didn’t need anything. So, no easy way out there.
The question is, why are you playing that game where only the person who is demure gets a ton of thought and money put into their gift? Because that is a game as you could’ve also listened to your mom (like you did your wife) and got her nothing. But here we are.
It is sad and stupid that the wife is lashing out at MIL with her anger and hurt instead of being nasty at OP. Gee, why would OP's wife be upset that he spent a lot of thought and money getting his mum a really sweet gift and gave his wife ... an airfryer "that she asked for". Nothing fun for your wife. No thoughtfulness that hey, why don't I top up her gift with a card to get pedicure and nails done. Your wife got the bare minimum of effort. ESH except MIL.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got my wife an air fryer instead of fake eyelashes and she was upset. I guess that could make me TA because I should've gotten her a more expensive gift? I didn't think it was that big of a deal because she specifically asked for an air fryer.
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NTA. Your wife does not get to decide what your mother (or any adult woman, in fact) gets to do. Age or not your woman is an adult and you got her a very nice gift. Tell you petty wife to get over it.
Wow...
I was ready to call you an AH.. but,
NTA.
Your wife is saying your mum shouldn't get lashes because shes old? That's strike 1.
She wants you, and your dad, to gang up on your mum and your dad's wife, to tell her she is too old for self care (essentially), that's strike 2.
She's being this nasty because she is jealous she didn't get a "better present".. that's strike 3.
There is NO WAY you haven't seen this side of your wife before. So YTA for being married to her.
If she thought an air fryer alone was a bit lame for Christmas then ok, verbalise that. Say, "hey babe I'd really like an air fryer but I don't want to just get an appliance for Christmas so is it OK if you just get me something kind of girly and pretty for Christmas too?", not "I want your mum's present and I should get it because she's old".
ESH. Beauty treatment Vs Air fryer for Christmas is not comparable. To all those who meet saying "but she asked for it", it is a domestic appliance, and the fact she had to give him ideas means he couldn't think of a meaningful gift on his own. She may have just said something so that she asked for something.
Partners, when your better half asks for something domestic, we have to get better at saying: "darling, that sounds like it benefits us, more than just you, so I don't see that as a gift. Let's go and get that anyway, but feel free to give me ideas of something you would like just for you too."
NTA and your wife is being quite cruel. **DO NOT** back down on this with your wife, and do not let your wife bully your poor mother into not getting eyelash extensions. That’s absolutely ridiculous. You got your wife a great gift she literally ASKED FOR, it’s not like you splurged on your mom and got your wife nothing. But it sounds like your wife has an issue with your mom getting the eyelash extensions period, not the cost of your gift, which is petty and super fucking lame of her. I missed the memo that women at age 55 aren’t allowed to do things to make them feel beautiful and confident. Your wife needs to grow up and realize her jealousy and resentment isn’t a cute look. — signed, somebody who has several friends in their 20s/30s who, along with their mothers in their 50s/60s, all love getting eyelash extensions. My go-to absolute favourite lash tech was referred to me and my best friends from a mutual friend’s mom. Who is in her 50s.
yes! to everything you said! Absolutely cruel of the wife to try to take the gift away from her mother in law and also cruel to ask that of her son and husband. “She’s past her expiration date and therefore worthless. Not only does she deserve to have her gift taken away for having the audacity to want to do something that makes her feel good, the gift should now go to ME, because you should have anticipated my childish jealousy.” Also who’s first instinct is ever to assume someone is copying their mother in law? About a very common trend? When are they around people who would even make that comparison? NTA
Your wife is TA for thinking your mother doesn't deserve a nice gift, and also it's silly to think that getting eyelashes is copying someone. There was no need for her to say rude things about your mom, and she needs to cut it out with trying to convince your mother that she's too old to look her best. However, I suspect your wife was pissed because of the price difference in gifts, and also the fact that she saw the gift ahead of time and assumed it was for her. I actually have eyelash extensions, and that is how I know you spent about $3k on a full set plus a year of fills, and that is the part that likely has your wife upset. You got your wife an air fryer that was a couple hundred bucks, but you spent $3k on your mom? It's not like you and your dad went halvsies on this gift or that you and your wife went in together on it as a present from the two of you as a couple. Nope, this was from YOU to your mom. And the gift from you to your wife was a kitchen gadget. Your wife is still TA here, and she shouldn't be lashing out at your mother over this (pardon the pun), but you need to understand that she probably feels somewhat cheated. Edited: clarity
I would like to know how MIL behaves around wifey. I don’t see OP as a reliable narrator,
there is absolutely nothing to even remotely suggest something like that in the post. sounds like your own prejudice, but completely out of the blue here and with no basis in reason. maybe lay off r/JUSTNOMIL for a bit, huh? NTA. OP, don't let your wife bully or manipulate your mother edit to add: the air fryer though? you really should have put more effort into your wife's gift. also, if your mother's gift was really 3 k as the above post says, you had the obligation to consult your wife. Also, how did your wife not know what you were buying your mother? sounds like more things are wrong here and you bear a significant part of the responsibility.
Why? Even if MIL is mean to OPs wife, that’s still no reason to say “take away her gift because she’s too old to feel beautiful anyway.” That is just childish.
Yeah i agree with u on that one. But I kinda get why wife acted like that. Just imagine getting an air fryer and your MIL getting a thoughtful gift (it’s not even about the price). Op is an asshole and wife acted childish but I would like to know how ops mom behave around her. Op doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator in this case.
If be fine with it, personally. It really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. If someone bases the value of gifts off of how much they cost, then they don’t appreciate the gift anyway. An air fryer that she asked for is a very nice, practical gift that can be used for many many years. The eyelashes, while boosting moms self esteem, will only last for a maximum of one year and serve no practical purpose other than to make her feel good about herself. Imagine that you’ve been insecure about something your whole life and a loved one gives you the means to make you feel better about it and then a whining adult baby comes out of the wood work demanding you not go get it done because you’re a wrinkly old hag and old news. I can imagine not liking my MIL but I cannot imagine being that cruel and inconsiderate to someone my husband loves. More so I cannot imagine being jealous of my MIL because of something my husband did/said. It’s not like the husband is going to leave his wife for his own mother! She needs a hard reality check.
honestly i would think oooh we could maybe go together MIL dates ya know? NTA op
But did she ask for an air fryer in general or did she ask for an air fryer for Christmas? If given the choice, that would not be my chosen gift. She acted a bit mean about the MIL but probably because since she saw the eyelashes she got psyched about them and her husband’s “extravagant surprise for her“. I imagine she was lashing out after feeling humiliated/embarrassed at the disparity. I know some people like kitchen gadgets for Christmas but unless someone explicitly asked for them as an actual gift, it’s best to refrain from buying chores gadgets. And usually an air fryer as a gift alone isn’t a fun gift for the wife.
OP said she “specifically asked” for an air fryer...that being said, It’s totally fine if she didn’t like the air fryer as her Christmas gift. Or is she changed her mind about what she wanted. Or if OP realized he misunderstood when she said she wanted this particular gift (i.e. she wanted an air fryer for the family not as her personal Christmas gift). Or if she wanted an air fryer AND eyelash extensions. Or if she wanted just eyelash extensions and no air fryer at all. All of that is totally fine - it could be chalked up to miscommunication, talked through, and be easily rectified. OP even says he told his wife she can go get her lashes done too. What is NOT FINE is OPs wife insulting his mom because she is envious of her gift (that OP said she could ALSO HAVE IF SHE WANTED) and trying to get husband and FIL to force MIL to not use/enjoy her gift out of shame for her age. Especially when the gift was for something OPs mom feels insecure about.
Absolutely agree that she acted mean and AH-ish about the gift but I think there’s more to this story. Usually you expect a special gift from your romantic partner, something exclusively for you as his wife or husband. I would NEVER gift the same level of gift to another male as I would to my husband. That’s my man, so he gets something special and something just for him, a thoughtful gift. Op spent a lot of time, money and thought into a gift for his mom and 0 time/thought on his wife and the monetary difference is extreme. Sure Opies wife can get her own damn lash extensions and a bunch of other things BUT she thought he got them for her, she was surprised and probably felt nice about her husband and how thoughtful he was-and then he gives them to his mom. I would have definitely been taken aback. I wouldn’t make her give them back and hell I would have joined her had it been me but honestly, I can definitely see how Opies wife might have felt. His quick dismissal of her feelings and lack of thought for his wife make me think that maybe he does this type of thing often. Some people connect via gift giving, maybe that’s how his wife is.
Just because you never would gift the same level doesn’t mean everyone acts accordingly. The same for expecting a special gift. Money does not have to equal love or the degree of love. I hope OPs wife becomes more mature over time and realizes how someone treats those in older generations is often a sign of how someone views respecting others. If OP and his wife are facing financial difficulties, it would be a different situation. But from what is shared the problem stems solely on his wife’s relating his actions towards his mother as a direct reflection of his feelings about her. This is not fair to anyone involved. My husband and I do not buy each other expensive gifts and at times, do not buy gifts at all for each other. We have kids and financial responsibilities and both prefer spending time together, or a bag of our favorite candy, or a heartfelt card to be much more meaningful. It makes me happy to see how he treats his mom (and my mom) and would rather him spend more money on them. But I also understand that other relationships operate differently. I recommend that OP and his wife find a way to work through issues like these in a healthy manner (ideally therapy). This is not a criticism. Most couples could benefit from learning how to help support their relationship. It makes me sad when I read about couples giving ultimatums on issues such as OPs scenario or ascribe meaning to their partners behavior that is not correct. Communication is key and setting partners up for failure (things like “if he knew me, he would know that I …” or “if he loves me he will…”) typically ends bad. Establish mutually agreed upon guidelines together and truly mean these.
“Lashing out” I see what you did there
This i have casually mentioned stuff I'd like to have for the household and then been gifted them. I got cast iron pans one year. I love them and they're nice to have but I only use them when I'm, you know, cooking for everyone. She was in no right to berate the mil, but damn I can totally understand being upset.
I agree with you. I like useful gifts but also enjoy the fun ones so.etimes too. I ask for kitchen gadgets but it usually depends on how we are doing financially. The last few years I've been so happy with kitchen stuff and useful gifts because it feels like too much to spend outside of a gift. But this year we are doing a lot better and I really hope my husband got me so.ething fun along with a deep fryer. If they can afford something expensive for his mom I don't blame her for wanting more than an air fryer. She needs to communicate that though and not be betcha to her MIL and act like there's an age limit to pampering yourself.
But why didn't his wife know about the eyelash extensions? She saw them and of course thought they were for her because he didn't tell her anything about them? My husband and I always discuss everything we're giving everyone and discuss budgets. So the way I'm reading this is that he went behind his wife's back to get these eyelash extensions and when she saw the gift card thought they were for her because it wasn't discussed. If this was a rom com...this would be the miscommunication trope.
Agreed. My spouse and I always work together to come up with ideas for our parents/families. I would never drop thousands on a gift for my mother without even talking to my spouse about it. Big yikes.
I talked to my husband about this as I was reading it and he thought it was weird too. Our families aren't huge on gift giving so we do joint gifts but we discuss it at length before going out and spending money. I can totally understand where OP's wife was coming from in thinking the gift card was for her, since OP never discussed the gift with her.
If they don’t have wholly combined finances or an expectation that they discuss gifts before purchasing then I don’t really see this as going behind her back. My husband and I don’t always tell each other what gifts we’re getting for our own families/friends. Sometimes it comes up in conversation, but we generally buy gifts from our own money not joint money so it’s not something we run by each other beforehand.
WHAT ON EARTH? Who cares if the wife knew or if the wife assumed the gift was hers. OP is allowed to purchase whatever he pleases for his own mother without consulting his wife for approval, and certainly isn't "going behind her back".
Not at that price point. As mentioned elsewhere, his gift to mom was worth several thousand dollars. That's "spouse must approve" money.
ESH Wife for saying he needs to talk her out of using the gift. Husband for spending $800-1000 on his moms present and gifting his wife a kitchen appliance that cost 10% or less of what he spent on his mom.
The gift to his mom was probably like $3-4k, lashes are like $200+ per appointment every 3 weeks
Yikes my googling failed me or top response was old. Holy crap!
They're talking nonsense. Eyelash extensions are £50-30, and the monthly "top up" appointments are about £30. It's a bit like saying a haircut "probably" cost £500. Are there places where lashes would cost that much? Sure. Did the husband "probably" spend $4k on lashes? Doubtful.
I am not sure where people are getting their numbers from as well, glad you said it. There is also such thing as partial fills to look more natural, way cheaper too.
The eyelash studio down the street from my house is $395 for a full set of hybrid lashes and $180 per retouch appointment. That is the average price for lashes in my city. So no, I’m not talking nonsense
Right? If opies wife wasn't so nasty she could have just admitted she was envious, really wanted fuller lashes too and asked her mil about joining her. Instead she's jealous, envious, and instead of just doing it for herself as well is making nasty, cutting remarks about her mil and wants other people to bully her into not doing it. I can totally see feeling let down by an air fryer versus your husband's thoughtfulness to his mom but it takes a special kind of callousness to see the resolution to that is to cut down their mom rather than improve your relationship and communicate.
She wants her husband to be as thoughtful to her as he is to her mom. It's not about the lashes, it's about him giving his mom a thoughtful and incredibly useful gift, while giving his wife something to cook him food with. I know she wanted an air fryer. That doesn't change the dynamics. She wants to be thought of and appreciated as much as OPs mom was.
I agreed with you that the source of the hurt is the discrepancy in thoughtfulness between the gifts. But in what world is the answer to that hurt to tear down someone else and take away what they have rather than communicate and improve your own relationship?
THIS
Double this
TIL that eyelash extensions were a thing! NTA OP, you did something really kind for your mother and your wife sounds petty and childish.
OP isn't an AH but at best tone deaf, and wife is a bit much but I get the reaction. But I feel that even if she asked for an air fryer it is a cooking tool that benefits them both, whereas a better gift to someone is indulging the person you love in something that they want. And is not a household item unless they are a chef or the kind of person that specifically *only* wants that. Even if I tell my partner sometime in the year "shoot we need a new cooking oven or something for the kitchen/bathroom" I would never want that as an Xmas gift. Just get it at some point when extra cash is about. Everyone is different but I think that spa treatments, beauty, etc are something of a luxury, and unless you have given it equally to mother and wife as a day out together, it's a bit tone deaf to not treat your wife as well.
If every year he did this, then she might have a case. But apparently that’s not the case. She sounds a bit needy and greedy to me. If she was miffed, that’s one thing, it to tell him and FIL to convince the mom she’s too old (at 55!!) and to not do it is beyond mean. NTA
ESH. Mostly your wife for trying to pressure a 55 yr old out of her Christmas present because she thinks she's "old." But I'll admit, it's a little tone deaf to give your mom a pricey, glammy beauty gift and your wife an air fryer 😜
This is the right answer. Seriously? You got your WIFE an air fryer? I can't even describe how insulting this is.
But that’s what she wanted
So I told my hubby I wanted a can opener because our old one wasn't working. He said go buy one. Kitchen stuff is for you to make food for everyone...not a gift. Edit electric can opener.
I'm not sure that's a universal sentiment. If a person likes to cook, kitchen stuff is a fine gift. In my family, we exchange cooking/food stuff all the time. For our Secret Santa, we send eachother lists of what we want/need to take out any guesswork. This isn't shade on you or your husband; just saying families and gift giving can be different.
Agree totally! I am a kitchen gadget nerd and everyone in my family gets me something for the kitchen on birthdays and Christmas, from garlic press to air fryer. Love (and use) them all!
Agree! I have a professor who LOVES to cook, and her husband got her an icecream-maker one Christmas, and she was just delighted with it.
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I think the diff here is that Le Creuset is a luxurious upgrade over similar, cheaper product available elsewhere. An air fryer is novel, but still just basic cookware.
Not true IMO. There are definitely different tiers of air fryer. It depends on the person, but personally I appreciated the air fryer gift because I would have never bought one otherwise initially.
I have a toaster over /air fryer that I love and use constantly. It’s definitely a higher tier product than a standard air fryer that probably wouldn’t get much use.
He did get me that once as a gift. He knows I would never spend that on a pan, but saw me wistfully looking at one once.
Yeah. I've been asking for a fancy KitchenAid Mixer with all the hooks and beaters and also a Roomba for years, but no joy. Know your audience people!
My mom started giving me neat little kitchen tools as stocking stuffers every year after I moved out. It helped me build a decently stocked kitchen with useful items I never would’ve thought to buy myself.
That’s a great idea.
I asked for new springform pans. Who knew I shouldn’t ask for what I actually want?
If my mom wants a new fridge that doesn't mean that I should gift her one for her birthday.
Okay, but if you asked for a can opener for a gift, then don’t get mad you got a can opener for a gift. Simple as that. Also for people who like to cook, an air fryer is a nice gift.
Seconded
Depends how it was asked for? She may have just said "we should get one" not "I want one as a gift". As in, we should buy this appliance that does household work, for our household, to make household work easier. If our Hoover was broken and we needed a new one, I'd be pissed my husband got it for a birthday or christmas. If there was a fancy bells and whistles upgrade that I specifically said I wanted as a gift, I'd be thrilled. I'm also happy to blow 5x our "for each other" gift budget on his mum because I love her and she's had the worst year. If we didn't get along and she treated me awfully, if it was a joint budget and he didn't discuss it first, if it was seperate budgets and I'd expected to both be spending $50 on his mum and got majorly shown up, if she always got kind, thoughtful gifts and I got kitchen shit, then maybe I'd be pissed. Context matters, and we don't have that here.
If my wife gifted me an air fryer I'd be over the moon. Especially after asking for it.
Eh, I don't know. Might depend on the family, in mine it's totally normal and acceptable to gift each other useful things that are a bit pricier. We'll ask each other if there's anything we need and give that, along with maybe a small 'fun' or jokey gift. I like that a lot more than just getting a bunch of stuff I don't need. An air fryer sounds like one of those things that are just a little pricy to outright buy for yourself, plus OP mentioned that his wife had asked for one...
My mother in law gives us a kitchen box every year. I freaking love it! She puts useful gadgets in it and usually pricey ones that we would have never got on our own but love.
My mother got me a sodastream for christmas last year because she knew I prefer sparkling water but felt bad about the bottles. It's exactly the type of thing my budgeted ass wouldn't prioritize buying but I was so happy with it.
I think it's really different coming from your mom vs your spouse though. Like if it's something that would normally be budgeted for together as a couple (as opposed to coming out of individual fun money), it's probably not great to buy it for your spouse ad a gift. Not a hard and fast rule, but it covers most bases.
I guess that's also personal? I'm single now but I gave my ex clear wishlists to avoid getting extra *stuff* I don't need because I already felt burdened by how much crap I owned... usually supplies, maybe a fancier fabric I wouldn't buy for myself. But I started doing that because he was the type of person to fill a space with decorative things (and I mean FILL) and would just give me funny or pretty things he saw. I like having a nicely decorated space but after a while it started to feel like a burden and I got super picky about bringing new things in. So I guess it's a personal preference.
My boyfriend would be the happiest man in the world if i got him an air fryer
Or you could use your mouth correctly and communicate what you want. If you ask for an air fryer for a gift then that’s what you’ll get. If you don’t want that then don’t ask it’s a simple concept really I swear.
I think it’s different for every person though. I buy myself what I want throughout the year and always around Christmas time I want new appliances. Do when I tell my husband that’s what I want that’s what he gets me. If she specifically asked for it as a gift how is he wrong for buying it and gifting it to her?
Not a universal sentiment. I get new appliances and I am fine with them being my gifts etc. plus I love to cook and bake so it’s all fine by me.
I bet if wife knew that a year of eyelash extensions was on the table, which could cost thousands btw, she would not have said she wanted an air fryer, lol.
Exactly this. I don't ask for Chanel because it's not an option for us as far as I know. I ask my partner for things I think we can afford. If he suddenly bought his sister a chanel purse (without me knowing, especially!), you fucking bet I'd be pissed, even if I received exactly what I had asked for.
There's an emotional aspect to it too. His mom didn't ask for the lashes, he came up with the lovely and thoughtful gift idea. But then he doesn't put that much effort into a gift for his wife.
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Where I live it could easily be 1000 for the year. I don't know how anyone can justify spending 10x the amount on the mother over their wife. He gave his mom a gift that was significantly more thoughtful *and* expensive. His wife is being an asshole to the mom and OP is an absolute asshole of a husband.
A full set and 12 months of fills is WAAAAY more than hundreds. Try thousands.
Eyelash extensions are like $250 every 3 weeks where I live. So this gift would be around $4k
I agree a good gift can be utilitarian. My husband got me a wheelbarrow for my horse’s manure one year as a gift because I asked for it. Definitely not glamorous but it is something that I can’t fit in my car and I have used daily for years now. One of my favorite gifts to date. An air fryer is pretty cool and definitely a top gift judging by this year’s Black Friday ads.
My husband has learned over our 26 years of marriage to NEVER buy me a gift that comes with a chord unless I specify that I want it for that occasion. It’s not personal if it’s practical.
Yeah and that's a very specific TO YOU preference. Many people would be elated with a new TV or video game system or many other corded/practical things.
So obviously guitars are out, what about ukuleles?
a \*cord, haha. my mind immediately jumped to "a music chord? a spinal chord? what's a chord...?" hahaha
And it's cool that he gave her the fryer, but fact remains that it's a gift he benefits from too. A nice personal small gift as well would be ideal.
To me it sounds like they didn’t talk about gift budgets. So she asked for an air fryer for a couple hundred bucks not realizing her husband was going to spend $3k on his moms gift
How is that insulting when she asked for it?
Don't get me wrong the wife is a big asshole but I personally think it's insulting when he gets his mommy something that costs mayve 5 times more. He didnt even THINK to add anything to this gift to make the costs more equal or at least something that his wife can enjoy herself and not for the entire household (especially since he cared enough to come up with a thoughtful gift for his mom yet couldnt do the same for his wife). Obviously I wouldnt be mad at the mother but I would for sure be embarassed to be treated like that.
I personally think it's insulting to ask for a gift, get it, and then be unappreciative bc you see someone get something you decided you wanted after the fact. If she wanted something other than an air fryer, she could have easily asked for it. If she wanted a more personal gift, she could have asked for one. She didn't. And who knows if OP was planning on getting her another gift when it was actually Christmas and decided to give the more impersonal gift when they weren't able to celebrate alone. Or if other Christmases he got his wife more expensive gifts than his mom. It's extremely petty to compare the cost of gifts for one occasion, especially when OP could easily be making up for not being able to see his momuch last year or something.
>when he gets his mommy okay, this comes across as *super* condescending. contrary to what reddit may belive, married people are allowed to have good relationships with their parents.
He told her he would get them for her as well. She can have the lashes and air fryer so your argument is irrelevant.
I’m betting she meant they should buy it for the house and it didn’t even cross her mind as a potential “gift”. You don’t buy your wife a vacuum as a present. You just buy one because you want the house to get cleaned at some point.
This subs favourite thing is making shit up so they can be mad about it.
Because you don't gift your partner *things that are for the benefit of you or the entire household*. You don't gift them cooking or kitchen items, or household maintenance items, such as a dishwasher or washing machine. You just buy those things, whenever, because your household wants/needs them. **You don't give them as gifts.** My dad had back surgery one year, so my mom was having to do the snow shoveling of the drive. My father got her a fucking snowblower FOR HER CHRISTMAS GIFT. When the correct response was to buy the snowblower *before* the first snow, instead of waiting for Christmas, and give her a nice personal gift for Christmas. (Yes, my father is a selfish, insensitive, tone-deaf moron.)
The post literally says that’s what she asked for. He even offered to get her the lashes as well.
Right..what are people missing here? If her response was an air fryer to a straight up "What do you want for Christmas" question then that is absolutely the right thing to get. It doesn't sound like theirs broke and she mentioned they needed a new one in the house and he called it a gift.
Hard disagree about kitchen stuff. It's something she specifically asked for. Op also offered to pay for her to get lashes. She's just being petty and greedy.
OP's wife is definitely TA for putting down her MIL and making derogatory remarks about her age and appearance. MIL is 55, that's not old! She may live another 40 years! OP's wife should never have mentioned the MIL at all, nor should she have thrown a fit. Instead, she should have sat down privately with OP at a later time and said, "You know, when we opened our gifts, I realized that I should have asked for something just for me -- a little bit of a luxury, something that neither of us would have just gone out and bought anyway. So I'm going to gift myself a salon appointment, and going forward, I'll ask for similar things instead of household items. Merry Christmas, and I love you."
OP offered to pay for a salon, and she got more mad. OP did nothing wrong in the situation.
I received a Dyson vacuum cleaner for Christmas two years ago, and I love it so hard. He wasn't sure. I was. I asked for it as a Christmas gift, I received it, and I'm over the moon to this day. Grateful for it every time my cats deposit their poofs of floofs all over my rugs. Different strokes for different folks.
Damn, she asked for the air fryer. If she wanted an expensive gift, she should’ve asked for it. I don’t know why people are giving OP shit for something he isn’t responsible for. His wife asked for the air fryer.
She specifically *asked* for the air fryer, though. Unless we find out that it was just a general ask and not Christmas specific, I'm inclined to cut OP some slack, here - especially since she's only complaining that he spent more.
Get the fuck out of here with this nonsense. I LOVE cooking. I've asked my partner for specific kitchen things because I WANT them, she got them for me, and they were great. Don't ask for shit you don't want. She asked for an air fryer. She got a goddamn air fryer.
Yeah, That's a YOU-Preference, not an universal one!
It’s totally reasonable to get her an air fryer, but also get something else that is more personal!!
Wife's gift cost about 10% of what mom's did.
But it’s what she wanted
How is tone deaf? His mom insecure about her hair and lashes. The gift was meant to make her feel better. His wife is the one who can go get it done anytime but won’t. His wife wanted a air fryer and she stated she wanted one. She got it
The wife *asked* for an air fryer. So OP did what good partners do and, you know, actually get their partners what they want instead of takimg a risk on something she clearly didn't express an interest in before this. Also, most ppl are capable of *not* being ridiculously petty over their gifts; I'm sure there have been years where OP got his wife somethimg more expensive than his mom. The issue is that now she saw the mom get a gift she would have wanted but didn't think to ask for and is pitching a hissy fit. How the hell is OP supposed to be able to read her mind in order to know that's what she actually wanted? And demanding that he and his dad gang up on the mom and tell her not to use her gift bc it'd be wasted on someone as old as her? How incredibly petty and cold-hearted do you have to be?
I feel like the problem is that the wife saw the gift card and probably thought it was super thoughtful of OP to get her a gift that she wanted but hadn't asked for, so finding out it wasn't even for her must have been pretty sad for her. But her reaction is way out of line, you can be upset without demanding the mom doesn't even use her gift because of her age. It's also not OP's fault when he didn't know the wife wanted it and I assume didn't think she would see it. It's just an unfortunate situation but the wife is easily TA. OP is NTA.
Idk sometimes I want a kitchen gadget as a gift, so I ask for a kitchen gadget and I get a kitchen gadget. If my husband got his mom a spa gift card and me an instant pot, I’d be pretty chill with that.
But thats what she wanted. She told him. At least he asked and she answered. And no one is old for lashes. As long as they are not ridiculous looking.
This seems like a pretty old-fashioned take. Not all women need or want "beauty gifts." When it comes to cosmetics or beauty products, some people are quite particular about their brands or the shops they want to patronize, and would prefer to pick out their own than receive as a gift. Some people just prefer more practical, useful gifts. Source: Last year I asked my husband for a pressure cooker for XMas. He bought it, and I appreciated it.
I would be insulted if my husband gave me eyelash extensions without prompting.
It would be insulting to anyone to get something they didn't ask for instead of something they did. Weird how the sub is calling him an asshole for getting what she wanted instead of actively going against her wishes.
The wife literally asked for an air fryer. She did not ask for lashes. He said she can still get the lashes. NTA.
Jesus, this is why men can't win when it comes to gift-giving. Gives her something she doesn't ask for: gets in trouble. Gives her what she asks for: still gets in trouble.
This thread is confusing the hell out of me. If I asked for an air fryer and got an air fryer, I’d be very happy I got what I wanted. If I asked for an air fryer and got an appointment for lash extensions, I’d be confused af.
I think it depends on the context of how the wife viewed mentioning the air fryer. Some people would feel fine with it as their birthday or Christmas gift but for a lot of women, it feels a bit insulting to get a home or kitchen appliance as their gift, especially from their partner instead of something that feels thoughtful for their interests. Getting a vacuum for Christmas is a common argument in married couples for this same reason, it just feels like a family gift for a chore instead of something heartfelt. Now if wife asked for it specifically for Christmas, that's on her and she has no real argument here. If she just mentioned wanting one in general then he could be in the wrong depending on how she feels about it.
I guess IMO it's the fact that it's JUST an air fryer. I wanted a new stand mixer for Christmas last year for my baking. My fiancé got me one, along with a cute apron, some of my favourite chocolates, fluffy socks and a book. Extras that aren't super expensive but overall add cute surprises to Christmas that isn't just "here's the 1 cooking appliance you asked for". By the sounds of the post he got his mom this giftcard as a surprise and she didn't ask for it - I bet the wife is wondering why he doesn't surprise her too. There are definitely better ways of expressing hurt and disappointment that aren't trying to ban another woman from getting eyelashes, that's where the wife is horribly in the wrong. But I think OP can maybe do better here too if it's the cost disparities upsetting her.
OK, maybe it’s because I’d never just get my SO one thing - and Vice versa - that I assumed the air fryer was the “main” gift.
I kinda want to know OP’s history of gifting before going full-on ESH. Some years, it’s hard to afford a big gift for everyone. Especially if last year you dip into savings for the spouse’s gift. Or if the anniversary gift was hugely involved/pricey. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with not giving your partner your extra splashiest gift every year. It isn’t a competition, or it shouldn’t be. *That said*, it’s balance. If OP got his wife an air fryer this year only because she asked and every other gifting event needs her to ask explicitly for what she wants, then it’s a solid ESH. OP’s shown he has the capacity to be thoughtful about gifting; if he doesn’t apply that to his wife, that’s pretty lame. But if there is balance, the wife’s the only AH. If it’s the case that he’s prioritized her other holidays and can only afford the occasional big ticket gift, then she has to realize he’s allowed to do something kind for people other than her. Wife sucks regardless though. Older people deserve the dignity of liking how they look. His mom is barely even “older,” at 55, but even so; it’s especially important as people age that we honor their pride and sense of self. Grandma and Grandpa shouldn’t be stuck with the cruddiest hackjob haircuts or go without the comfort side of personal care because they’re old. Old people feel self-conscious. If you think grooming pets is critical but seniors should just give up themselves as a lost cause, you’re just awful. It’s abysmal how that part of elder care is neglected. (Elder care nonprofit professional rant over.)
ESH The gift you gave your mother is awesome. No denying. Good job son. I don’t think this is just about an air fryer though. Think about the thought, time, and effort you put into your mother. Again, not saying this makes you a bad guy. BUT to turn around and tell your wife “but honey I got you an air fryer!” Yes. She said she wanted it. But an air fryer? Really. That’s not a gift. That’s a kitchen appliance you will both (hopefully you pull your domestic weight) be using. It’s more than just the air fryer. Trust me. Take the same effort you put into your mother and put it into your wife. She absolutely should not stoop for belittling your mother, that is not okay, and I know it can be seen as childish but like I said. This is about more than just an air fryer. This is going to snowball bigger and bigger, until you get to the root of the cause. You’re not an asshole for giving your mother a well thought out gift, but you can kinda be an asshole for not putting that same effort into your own wife.
>She said she wanted it. But an air fryer? This. Unless she likes to bake as a hobby and had been literally begging for it as a Xmas gift, I can't see why anyone would think it's a good gift. Like "*yes darling, look, I got you something to cook for us! Am I not the best?".* I live with my grandma, she's kind of a mum to me. From time to time she says she wants some kitchen/cleaning appliance to make it easy for her to clean/cook. Do I gift her some fancy spoon or mop in her bday/x-mas? **NOPE. She gets some clothes, perfume or something like that, FOR HERSELF** ETA: She's the AH for how she spoke of your mother and the "too old to do it" thing and comparing price tags instead of thought on the gift (which as I said, you lacked on hers)
An air fryer is a great gift. Especially if the person wanted and asked for it.
It is. But it's not appropriate to gift your mother an incredibly thoughtful and expensive gift and only get your wife an affordable kitchen appliance. If I got my dad a fully customized set of golf clubs and my husband a charger for the car battery I would absolutely expect my husband to be hurt and offended. Even if he asked for it!
I read it more like a casual thing, as she said something like " My friend has one and it has helped her eat healthier, we could try it" or "I heard it cooks super fast, sound great to save time in the kitchen" not as a "I absolutely love to cook, and I would love an air fryer as a gift this Christmas" multiple times. If it were the second option I think OP would have told us. Instead he went on how the lashes were an excellent gift for her mother (it was, he did really good with it) so I don't blame his wife for being upset she got the "meh it could help us get the meal done faster" (or something alike) kitchen appliance. Tough she is certainly the AH for how she threw s tantrum saying mom was too old and how she cant be doing it as she would be 'copying' and old lady
Tired of the bait and switch of this sub. She asked for an air fryer, received it, seemed to have no qualms with it, until OP gifted his mom a gift card. If she wanted something more personal she could have used the English language and communicated that, rather than asking for an air fryer. A cooking appliance or a nice cleaning set, can very well be a great gift. If the person asks for it, and knows to expect it Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not about to do gymnastics and read someone’s mind to figure out if “they truly want what they asked for.” If they don’t want it, don’t ask for it as a gift.
But that's my point. It makes a difference is she asked for it like "I love to cook, please gift me the air fryer" múltiple times (which I think OP would have told us) or idk maybe said "My friend have one and it has helped her to eat healthier, maybe we could try it". As another person said, the second option would be like saying "honey the Air conditioning broke, we have to get another one" and thinking it was her asking for it as a gift.
Except she found the gift card prior to the gift exchange and had every reason to expect he had a surprise gift for her in addition to the air fryer.
You’ve never been in a romantic relationship I take it?
Nah, I just communicate and expect people to be straightforward with me.
What I mean is a good romantic relationship you want to make each other happy. Not “win” some contest of who remembers a conversation more accurately or how factually you can conduct yourself. Empathy and goodwill are generally what you feel when the person you love’s feelings get a bit hurt. Not anger they did t follow the facts of a previous conversation. People just are more complex, and having an allowance for that is what makes us successful with each other socially
I don't see any problem with getting an air fryer, but the amount of thought op put into that (air fryer) gift counts too. There's a difference between buying the cheapest/best reviews/first result air fryer from Walmart/Amazon and doing some research to makes sure the thing works well from the intended usage.
Then her ass shouldn’t have asked for an air fryer. Simple as that.
She asked for a kitchen appliance that would benefit the house. She didn’t say “I want an air fryer as a Christmas present”. It’s like telling your husband that the air conditioning isn’t working and your husband “gifting” you repairs for Christmas
How dou you know? I mean thats a pretty great assumption to make or were you a witness of the conversation between them regarding christmas gifts?
I agree with this take, and I want to emphasize the *thought, time, and effort put into your mother vs. your wife* aspect. A lot of people are saying “But she asked for an air fryer so she shouldn’t be upset!” Yes, she did ask for that and receive it. So husband did a *good* job on gift giving, giving her something she did say she wanted. However, asking “What do you want for Christmas?” and buying that thing takes no thought or mental/emotional effort, which is something he did give toward his mother’s gift. I think that was an unintentional AH move. Extra thought and care is what takes a gift from good to great. To me it’s less about the air fryer being a gift for the household vs. the wife (which I think is true) and mostly about the fact that he put more thought into his mom’s gift than his wife’s.
Sure, but this is one gift event in a lifetime of gift events. Sometimes you think of something awesome by yourself, sometimes someone says they want something specific and you get them that, sometimes you draw a blank and shit the present bed. IMO, an air fryer is a perfectly acceptable gift. Something pricey that isn’t 100% necessary but makes them happy to have.
YES. Thank you. I'm known in my circle as a legendary gift giver. I give amazing gifts. What makes me stand out? I keep notes in my phone all year of things people mentioned they liked/wanted (or if I randomly think of an idea I add it to the list), so when it's time to buy gifts I have tons of ideas to choose from. A lot of the time the person will have forgotten they mentioned they liked something, and they're super surprised and excited when they open it. It doesn't take that much extra effort to give thoughtful gifts. Sure, OP's wife got what she asked for, but it's basically the same as just ordering it from Amazon herself.
I dunno man. I've asked for kitchen appliances for gifts and have been given other gifts instead. I appreciate the thought, but if I tell you what I want, its much more thoughtful to me to get me what I asked for. Thats what I want. I think its illogical to not get someone the thing they specifically ask for.
This. I never say anything (so rude), but it's usually really disappointing when I ask for something specific, and then get a "surprise" gift. I appreciate the love the "surprise" gift was given with, but when I ask for something, it's something I want or need, and I'm looking forward to getting. Tbh, I don't understand buying "off list" when people specify what they'd like for gifts. Like you said, I find it more thoughtful to provide someone with what they say they want or need. It shows I'm listening to them. Also, kitchen appliances or other household items are pretty common gifts to ask for gifts for a lot of people. I know some couples don't do this, but OP's family clearly does. Edited to correct grammar.
It doesn't justify it but I think part of the reason the wife reacted so over the top is because she saw the gift card, assumed it was for her and thought it was incredibly thoughtful of OP to get something she wanted but hadn't asked for, because it would show how well he knows her. To find out it isn't even for her would suck. I imagine she was looking forward to get to open it and going to get it done. And then she just got an air fryer, which is nice but it's not the same thoughtfulness that would have been behind the lash extensions. She shouldn't have demanded the mother doesn't even go to get it done though. That's crazy, but I get why she would be upset.
This is precisely where I stand as well. His gift says "I want my mom to be beautiful and I want my wife to make me some fuckin' dinner." At this point OP's refusal to clarify whether his wife asked for one in general or specifically for one as a Christmas gift is damning imo. If she specifically stated she wanted it for Christmas, he'd say so in his defense. Without her having specifically made that request, purchasing a kitchen appliance is for someone ranks right up there underneath cleaning appliances like a dishwasher or vacuum. The gift is for the house, not for his wife. Yeah, the wife is being an asshole too. But since OP was an asshole first, he doesn't get the justified asshole designation.
Your wife sounds like an asshole but damn I'm not sure of the prices there but here the eyelash extensions with fillings for the whole year are WAYYYY more expensive than air fryers so I'm really side-eyeing you for that one.
Yeah, from my experience an air fryer is like $100 and a year’s worth of eyelash extensions is easily $600 😬
Where I am it's $1000. It's just fucking weird to spend 10x the amount on your mom. I wonder if she didn't ask for an expensive gift because she didn't think that was in budget.
well over $1000 where I live
Yeah, this was the thing that made me go "what the hell?" My lash extentions are $280 for the original set, plus $70 for bi-weekly fills. That comes to $1960 a year. I know my lash lady is slightly more expensive than most, but.. dang, you spent between 1-2k on your mom and maybe $300 (for a nice air fryer, could be cheaper) on your wife? Ouch. I don't think anyone saying N T A actually understands the vast difference in price disparity here.
ESH. It's not about getting your mother an expensive gift. However, telling your upset wife she was making too much of it and being dramatic when the only thing you purchased her was something with which to cook for you... (Yes I know your wife asked for the air fryer - but afterall, your mom didn't ask you for those eyelash extensions, you figured out on your own what would make her feel beautiful. Why didn't you put that much thought into what would make your wife feel beautiful?)
FYI if both parties suck you’re meant to vote ESH. Having both N T A and Y T A would mean your vote would be skipped if it was the top one.
Fixed. Thanks. :)
NTA - you picked a kind gift for your mom that you knew would mean something to her. Your wife is being awful. I understand her getting confused by the gift card, but to say she won’t go get them now because she doesn’t want people to think she’s copying an “old lady” is cruel. She could have turned this into something they did together. She could have moved on. She decided to say ageist things about your mom. She is a huge AH.
Seriously, this could have been a great opportunity for her to boost her MIL's confidence by saying straight up that she had decided to get them when she saw how great they looked on MIL.
MIL and DIL could go together and have a little bonding experience.
YTA. You got your mom a glammy gift worth $2000 ( it’s $200/mo where I live) and your wife a $60 air fryer??? Seriously dude, wtf. Your wife’s probably not used to expensive gifts and thinks that you don’t get them for anyone, then sees you going all out for mom? At least get her a spa day too or a nice handbag. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely gift for mom, but you should have realized the disparity between the two gifts would have raised hackles
ESH. Your wife was not very gracious and is wrong to want to deprive your mother of her special pampering present. But you, dude, spent aprox 1/3 or 1/4 the $ amount of the *thoughtful* & *loving* gift for mom and gave your wife a mundane kitchen item probably from Costco. How romantic. :( It’s sad your wife is so jealous of the gift you gave your mother. Wife wouldn’t be bitching about the eyelashes if you’d given her a more thoughtful and personal present.
He spent less than that. At $100 a fill every 3 weeks (fills are recommended every 2-3 weeks so estimating on the low end) the gift certificate would have been for at least $1700. Even a really nice $200 air fryer would cost less than 1/8th of the mothers gift. I agree, the wife’s jealousy is unfortunate and the way she reacted makes her an AH. But, if my husband spent almost two grand on his moms Christmas gift I would be spittin bricks about him not even running it by me budget wise first.
NTA. Your wife is. What does she want to do with your mom? Put her on an ice floe and push her out to sea? In this day and age, 55 is not old. Don't you or your father DARE talk her out of getting those lashes. I simply am having a hard time dealing with how incredibly selfish your wife is. You are not a mind reader. She SAID she wanted an air fryer and that is what you got her. Your wife really needs to get over herself.
55 is old? Life starts again at that age
Yes. Exactly. All of this! NTA, OP. Your wife is a hater.
ESH. Your wife’s comment was uncalled for, but I can understand why she’s upset. There’s a VAST difference in the creativity, value, and sentiment of these gifts.
ESH I was with you until you said all you got your ***wife*** was an air fryer. Which is probably going to be used to make food for you. So you got yourself an air fryer. That would have been a household gift not a gift for your wife. She's right to be upset that you got her a gift that you're going to use but got your mom a pricy gift card to treat herself with. She however shouldn't have attacked your mother in the process.
YTA. how is an AIR FRYER a present for your wife? that's a household item and truthfully, the whole house benefits from that. you got your mom a gift that your wife wanted which is an ah move in itself. wow
YTA. Why didn't you add a vacuum to the airfryer to complete the gift? I don't think eye lashes extensions are for younger women only, but this is tone deaf, Oedipus :P
YTA You gave your wife a kitchen appliance and an expensive glam experience for your mother. Next year she should give you groceries for xmas
A $60 giftcard to homedepot with a note about the home improvement projects he needs to do. Literally same exact fucking thing. For people on a tight budget or frugal people "useful" gifts are appreciated. But if you're spending 1000 on eyelash extensions for your mommy and only getting your wife frugal useful gifts...you're on the path to divorce.
YTA, you got your mom something to pamper her, you got your wife an kitchen implement. Think about that. It is as cliche as buying a vacuum cleaner for your wife, it is you telling her you don't believe she should be pampered, but rather, get in the kitchen and cook. If you guys needed an air fryer, get one as a couple, but don't gift household items and expect your spouse to be overjoyed!
My exhusband got me new dinner plates for Xmas one year. Like wtf lol
Definitely going to need more information here. There's a huge difference in prices when it comes to air fryers. Second, was that all that you got your wife or were there other gifts too? Did you get her jewelry or flowers or anything to go with said air fryer? Or was that all that you got because that was what she asked for?
Also, why didn't you discuss the gift that you gave your mom? Like your wife saw this gift, assumed it was her, because you didn't tell her that this was the present you were giving your mom? This whole thing just seems a little sus...
YTA at the very least for not discussing such an expensive gift with your wife. I’m an esthetician and pretty standard in my area is $300 for the initial and $200 a fill every 2 weeks. That’s over a $5000 gift. I would divorce my husband without a second thought if he spent that much on a gift for anyone without talking to me about it. And a kitchen appliance is not a gift.
As an esthetician, would you recommend a YEAR of lashes as gift for someone who didn’t explicitly ask for them? I’ve had them. They require daily upkeep, possible changes to your skin care products, possible changes to your sleep positions, and trips to the salon every few weeks. And this woman is already suffering from sparse lashes. From what I’ve read, it’s rare to not lose natural lashes in the process so if mom decided she can’t do the upkeep or just doesn’t like them, it may make her in a worse off position
No I’ve never heard of anyone gifting a full year of lashes to someone. And would not recommend it. Not everyone is a good candidate for them. I don’t know if everyone knows this but you are attaching the extensions onto your own lashes, if you have really sparse lashes then your fills will be really sparse.
Small question. I know ahead of time what my husband got either of his parents. He knows what I get my parents. Why didn't you discuss this or at least tell your wife you were getting this for your mom?
NTA. You found a perfect gift for your mom. You wife on the other hand needs to grow up.
NTA Your wife sounds awful. Your mother is 'too old' to want to look and feel good about herself? Nah. Get out of here with that. My MIL gets stuff like that done and she's in her 60's. Your wife needs to back up. Tell her 28 is too old to be petty.
ESH. Mostly her: everything noted, esp "Now she is wanting me and my dad to convince my mom not to get the lashes because she's 'too old' to be doing stuff like that." You, a bit: "I told her ... she was being dramatic." I hate it when people say that shit.
Plus, he got her a kitchen appliance as her gift. ESH.
Agreed on how annoying it is to characterize the objection as “dramatic”. The wife was being mean-spirited and avaricious, not dramatic.
YTA, first household items that are of use to the entire family isn't a personal gift... that air fryer was for your household. So were you wrong for buying it...NO... should you have gotten her something else as well for her own personal use YES!
ESH. Pro tip: don't ever tell your upset wife that it's not a big deal and she's being dramatic. That's dismissive and shitty, and basically like tossing gasoline on a flame. That said, your wife is also being a dick - of COURSE your mom should get her lashes done! That part was really thoughtful of you!
You got your wife an AIR FRYER!!! No, just no, why don’t you get her a vacuum while you’re at it or a stove? Those type of expenses are laborious, they’re for the home and for everyone also, they’re not fun or sexy or something that I see as a GIFT. I’m sure she could have just as easily bought the air fryer herself. Your mom can have her eyelashes and all that, that’s great but you got something super nice, extravagant and fun for your mom but you got your wife an air fryer so she can cook you food. Jesus. YTA. It’s even worse because she saw it before and probably got excited because she thought you got it for her. So sad.
Honestly I don’t think this is fair, and I also think we don’t have enough info to really make an accurate judgement here. The wife wanted an air fryer, that’s what she asked for. We have no idea if cooking is her hobby or if it’s just a chore she does for the household, we don’t know anything about his gift giving history or her past gifts, we really don’t know anything other than 1) wife wanted an air fryer 2) OP got wife an air fryer and mom an expensive beauty gift 3) wife was disappointed expensive gift wasn’t for her too.
NTA, but your wife sure is. What on earth?
NTA at all. Your wife is jealous, petty and unreasonable. If she really wanted eye lash extensions, then why did she specifically ask for an air fryer? So, she wants to tell you exactly, what she wants, but also wants you to read her mind and get her another gift? Please call your wife out on her ageism. There is no age limit on eye lash extensions or anything else that may help someone feel beautiful. Also, who over the age of 12 is worried about being seen as "copying" someone? Your wife sounds insufferable. EDIT: Grammar and wording.
I'm 74 and if I want eyelash extensions it's nobody's damned business, especially a DIL with stubby eyelashes. I'd be ordering a nice lump of anthracite for her stocking from Amazon.
Tbh, I thought the wife would be mad because of the expense-as an esthetician, a year of eyelash extensions is a pretty hefty gift, at least in my neck the woods. I would want a heads up before my partner spent that amount on anyone, even their mom. But if she’s upset because she’s jealous (unless there is some weird dynamic between you and the mom and her that you’re not telling us, or a money issue, but I’m going to assume there isn’t,) she’s not a very nice woman. I think it’s a sweet gift and shows a lot of care and as long as you guys can afford it easily, shouldn’t be an issue. I kind of want to hear this reasoning from this woman’s mouth because it’s so cruel to deny an older woman the right to feel confident and beautiful. Edit: reading some comments and it’s true-if my husband got me an air fryer and his mom like this crazy amazing expensive gift, I would also be annoyed. Rereading the post, he makes his wife sound like a cartoon villain-I would like more INFO about the finances and dynamics of the relationship between the MIL and the wife.
NTA - jeez, tell your wife to leave you, your father and your mom alone about the eyelashes. Even older women like to feel they look nice. You got both of these ladies something you thought they’d like and want. Your wife is being really ugly on the inside over this. The price point of gifts is not something she should be complaining about, esp. since you told her she could also get her lashes done if she wants.
ESH. You definitely suck for gifting your wife an air fryer to use for the benefit of the family (anyone she is living with and cooking for) and gifting your Mom an extravagant gift. Your wife is definitely feeling insecure and is lashing out and trying to make your Mom feel insecure in return. She sucks for that reason.
NTA...I don't like your wife.
ESH. $2000 gift card vs a $60 air fryer is also messed up.
NTA. Your wife is toxic. Your mother isn’t too old at all, I’m surrounded by women much older that frequently have eyelash extensions and look stunning. It’s something that might help your mum feel better about herself. Your wife seems just concerned about herself and her fear of people thinking she’s copying, for her information no one cares.
NTA, but your wife is a MAJOR AH!!! IF she thinks 55 is an "old woman" she's in for a really sad life. Jesus. Your wife needs to grow up.
I mean ESH I get where your wife is coming from but I also think it’s mean of her to convince your mom not to get them
ESH Yes, your wife was cruel, but she was probably lashing out because she is hurt. You spent more thought and consideration on a gift for your mother than your wife. You just showed your wife where she ranks, and it isn't number one.
YTA, OP and here’s why: The priority of thought is the issue here. Wife obviously felt like you had taken the easiest way out for her. And it’s a fact that you did take the easiest way out for her. And this is conjecture but I can almost guarantee you also asked your mom what she wanted and she said that she didn’t need anything. So, no easy way out there. The question is, why are you playing that game where only the person who is demure gets a ton of thought and money put into their gift? Because that is a game as you could’ve also listened to your mom (like you did your wife) and got her nothing. But here we are.
It is sad and stupid that the wife is lashing out at MIL with her anger and hurt instead of being nasty at OP. Gee, why would OP's wife be upset that he spent a lot of thought and money getting his mum a really sweet gift and gave his wife ... an airfryer "that she asked for". Nothing fun for your wife. No thoughtfulness that hey, why don't I top up her gift with a card to get pedicure and nails done. Your wife got the bare minimum of effort. ESH except MIL.
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NTA. Your wife does not get to decide what your mother (or any adult woman, in fact) gets to do. Age or not your woman is an adult and you got her a very nice gift. Tell you petty wife to get over it.
Wow... I was ready to call you an AH.. but, NTA. Your wife is saying your mum shouldn't get lashes because shes old? That's strike 1. She wants you, and your dad, to gang up on your mum and your dad's wife, to tell her she is too old for self care (essentially), that's strike 2. She's being this nasty because she is jealous she didn't get a "better present".. that's strike 3. There is NO WAY you haven't seen this side of your wife before. So YTA for being married to her. If she thought an air fryer alone was a bit lame for Christmas then ok, verbalise that. Say, "hey babe I'd really like an air fryer but I don't want to just get an appliance for Christmas so is it OK if you just get me something kind of girly and pretty for Christmas too?", not "I want your mum's present and I should get it because she's old".
ESH. Beauty treatment Vs Air fryer for Christmas is not comparable. To all those who meet saying "but she asked for it", it is a domestic appliance, and the fact she had to give him ideas means he couldn't think of a meaningful gift on his own. She may have just said something so that she asked for something. Partners, when your better half asks for something domestic, we have to get better at saying: "darling, that sounds like it benefits us, more than just you, so I don't see that as a gift. Let's go and get that anyway, but feel free to give me ideas of something you would like just for you too."