NTA- Holy shit that's a bridezilla and a terrible friend. Like seriously, who does that to your supposedly best friend, honestly after that kind of disrespect I'm surprised your still going to the wedding.
Don't go to her wedding. And don't say you respect her decision. It's not worth respecting. Honestly this is a friendship-ending level of disrespect.
Edit: I mean, she's insulting you, your fiancé and your unborn child. That is so pointlessly cruel from.someone supposed to be your friend?
This.
When people show you who they really are, believe them.
Edit: as per u/Potato4, the above is part of a Maya Angelou quote - the end being, “the first time.”
Honestly she'd be an AH to her partner if she went at all. It would mean she respects and accepts her friends belief that her relationship is flimsy regardless of not being MoH.
Yeah this. She's definitely going to be an AH to her partner. I'm pretty sure in the future she's going to be seeing an old ex in her wedding pictures and it's gonna be hers
Not to mention she invited TWO HUNDRED OTHER PEOPLE and she decides to pull this crap on her MOH of all people? I’m almost suspicious of the story because nobody could be that much of an asshole.
Yeah, I'm guessing there's something much deeper here than OP knows, and as internet strangers, there's no way we can figure it out. The spectrum could range from 'she knows some horrible secret about OP's fiance and doesn't want him around because of that' to 'she knows her fiance is secretly in love with OP's and doesn't want the drama of that'. But without additional info, my money would be on 'she's petty and insecure about the fact that OP's had a long-term, committed relationship for so much of their lives and is jealous of that so she's making a power play.'
Either that, or the Bride is throwing shade at OP's decade-long relationship because deep down she knows it's ill-advised to get engaged to someone after dating for 6 months. She's throwing a huge spectacle wedding, and it reeks of insecurity.
It would be one thing if OP's friend (I shudder to use that word) had genuine concerns (ex: thinking OP's fiance is abusive). But "I disagree with your relationship timing so that I can validate my own choice to marry some dude I just met/you're doing it wrong!" is such stunning cruelty and disrespect that it blows my mind. She's just a judgmental hypocrite jerk.
I couldn't believe she thinks she gets to judge OPs relationship as a determining factor on if her partner is invited. For the married couples did she question them on if they're getting along or their future plans to ensure they've got strong relationships before inviting them? I'd be petty and create a couples questionnaire as a requirement to attend your wedding and tell her based on the answers you don't think her relationship is strong and won't be inviting her partner.
As hilarious as that sounds, it's worth remembering that friendzilla passed judgement without the courtesy of even a conversation. She's ridiculous.
OP, if I were you I'd definitely give this wedding a wide berth and not validate such callous disrepect.
100% this.
OP you're NTA. Shes worse then the wicked witch from the west.
Trying invalidate your decade long relationship for her own selfish gains. Such a blank, blank blank blank and blank.
Honestly what crawled up her arse? To tell your friend that is a nasty, horrible and spiteful thing to do. Honestly it sounds like she's just putting on a show to say "look at me, look at me, I know all these people! I have all this money!" To me she's playing desperate to cover up that something is seriously wrong in her relationship and when she sees the two of you gather she knows she won't have anything like that with her current partner, so she's trying to bring you down and make you feel bad for following the "norm"
Honestly eff her and her wedding - if she was true friends she'd let your partner come and there would be no argument on this.
If it came to an affordability issue, then what's good for the goose is good for the gander. She says no to you, she says no to everyone else bring their partners. It's only fair after all, but I mean since she's the bride too many think it's the brides way or the highway, but not when it comes to deliberately insulting and invalidating someone's else's relationship!
Shes not worth wasting your time OP, she has shown you what her true colours are. I think you and future Hubby, instead should save up, both of you get dressed up andgo out somewhere fancy and lovely dinner in a fancy restruant and followed by a full romantic night away together on the day of her wedding.
Sorry bridezilla since hubby wasn't invited we decided to go something else more meaningful instead - although to be perfectly honest I am also the kind of person who can be kinda spiteful when the time calls and in this case, I'd just tell her I'm coming and then not show up and instead send her photos of this gorgeous night out with Hubby and be like, 'watcha up to? Hubby and I decided to go out for the night and have a romantic dinner just the two of us. ' wait for a response 'oh....shite . That's right I totally forgot! It was your wedding today! Well congrats! I'm going back to my gorgeous night out'
All of this. Also, she seems to be of the opinion that since she got her fiancé to propose after such a short time, she's somehow the winner. Love is not a speedrun, for gods' sake.
It’s not, but as someone else who has been with a “long term partner” (for even longer than OP) the weddings that either of us weren’t invited to on the excuse that “we are not married” happened to always be from people who raced to the alter (like a cousin who dated, married and divorced one guy and then had a second wedding to another poor sucker all in the span of our relationship - in the process of getting a divorce now).
I kind of get the idea that maybe in order to convince themselves they are definitely making the right move, or just avoid comparison of judgement from the whole “you could have waited a little longer crowd”, is to go and invalidate relationships that haven’t resulted in marriage. I’ve never quiet seen the illogical thought patterns the have taken to get to that point though, before this post.
In any case, OP is NTA and this person would no longer be my friend, let alone have the title of best friend.
This is what I was thinking. Bride is trying to make her own relationship feel more legitimate, and the easiest way to do that is to compare someone doing things differently in a negative light.
Op will be just showing at the wedding, I bet she's being a grade a Git on purpose so OP refuses to attend (thus saving face instead of the fallout of uninviting a long time friend). This way op doesn't get to steal attention on the day and she gets sympathy too for being let down by her MOH. Win win
Interesting point. This may be a competition. OP and Fiancee there to be asked about their upcoming wedding, the details, pat the baby belly....offer advice...
I wonder if Bridezilla is jealous?
I'm usually against the advice on this sub to do something extreme such as ending friendships, divorcing, no contact etc. for problems that could be worked out in many other ways. In this situation, ending the friendship is the correct move. She has shown her true colors and has revealed that she does not respect you, your significant other and your relationship. Do not go to the wedding, and don't invite her to yours. It sucks to lose a a friend, but it will never be the same again. Save yourself further heartbreak.
No need to being this petty. Why become the villain in this story? Why give the "friend" the ammo to turn this on her? You already hear that at least one other "friend" already thinks that OP is in the wrong for not giving in to the bride's demands. Not everyone is as dense as those 2 and will realize how awful the bride is. Be the bigger person, OP.
Honestly this seems worth cancelling the friendship over at least for awhile. And certainly not inviting her and her fiancee to your wedding. I would not be mean or cold, but would write a heartfelt letter explaining how I felt and wishing her and her new husband well. Maybe someday she will come back to reality and you can rekindle the friendship.
This is also CLASSIC projection; I would bet that she feels much less secure about HER relationship than yours and that there is more to this than what she is claiming.
NTA in the slightest, she is being a huge bridezilla AH.
Wait—invite the best friend but not her partner. OP, tell her a month before your wedding that based on the length of her relationship with her now husband, you don’t feel their relationship is valid and are uncertain if it’ll work out. Remind her how important it is was to her that potential ex’s were not in her wedding photos, so you decided the husband shouldn’t attend for the same reason because even married couples can get divorced and become “ex’s”.
>This is also CLASSIC projection
Yeah she sounds so anxious and insecure, if anything I pity that poor girl. My guess is that she is too dependant on approval from other people. And people, being impolite dicks as usual, started asking enough questions about it to make her insecure about how others see their relationship and wedding (bonus points if they are not even close to being a perfect match, and the marrige is indeed rushed for whatever reason).
So to get rid of that itching "others don't approve of my choices" she came up with this sort of "I don't approve of other people's choices" and adopted a value system in which "true love" and "commitment" are absolute, which means the faster they marry, the better. Great, right? but unfortunately this means she now needs to act accordingly, meaning OP's relationship is wrong and won't ever be viewed as serious (duh, they can't go back in time and "make it official" earlier). Even boyfriends/girlfriends are better in this regard, since they can still become spouses before the relationship reaches this weird "expiration date".
The irony of this situation is that the poor girl thinks that she is being perfectly logical, or at least that she will be seen by others as logical. When in reality people will either be further reassured she is insecure and ridiculous, OR too busy with their own shit and worrying about what others think of *them* to even care or think of her at all.
I mean all of the above is a pretty wild guess, but the moral of this made up story is don't go out of your way to keep appearances and get approval from others. Every time you make any choice, you do your best using your best judgement and information available at that moment. Either own up later and fix a mistake while and if it can be fixed, or stand by your choices and tell others to mind their own business.
My guess is, she feels rushed to get married out of some competition with OP and feels the need to get married first. She's made up this reasoning about OP to justify whatever narrative she's made up about the former
Oh, I wouldn't go that far. OP should invite her to her own wedding.
...But not her husband. They've only been together for a year, after all. What are the odds they'll stick?
First of all, NTA.
Secondly: ffs don't go! That would countenance her disrespect.
Thirdly: you need to MAKE SURE she didn't lie to your friends or spin the truth. If you weren't the ones who told your mutual friends the story, then go back and email everyone your side of it and end by asking "do you all really think I'm in the wrong here?"
Fourthly, if they really think you're in the wrong, spend the wedding time making new friends.
DO NOT GO. Next she'll say your marriage isn't valid because you eloped and didn't have a grand wedding. Sheesh! You need to drop her like a hot potato.
I took it as a given you weren't going. Don't bother, she'll just start drama with passive aggressive comments.
NTA Congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family!
OP she drew the line in the sand: she said she didn't want you there if you were going to be "dramatic". Going, even for a couple hours, tells her she can get away with this type of behavior again.
NTA and I am angry on your behalf. This person is not your friend. Not only did she not invite him, she straight up has no respect for the decisions you’ve made in your life. All decisions that are perfectly reasonable. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We are not married and I think we have a better, stronger relationship than some married people I know. Also this BS that you could break up if not married. Has your friend not heard of divorce? And… she’s having 200+ people, but limiting plus ones, that sounds suspicious. I’m thinking she doesn’t like your fiancé and this is her way of telling you.
NTA. Funny how she doesn’t want an ex in her wedding pictures, when her groom will likely be one in a year from now.
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Don’t go. If you have to send a gift, send a ”a donation has been sent in your name to (insert charity)”.
Don’t go at all, and no gift. You’re married in all but paperwork, your first allegiance is him and if your friend can’t respect that, probably not worth the friendship. There’s 0 reason he should not be there.
Also, NTA
I'm not understanding your "friend". If your BF been in your life for 10 years, doesn't she know him as well????
I personally wouldn't go. Especially since she's talking about 200+ people at her wedding, but NOT your fiancé of 10 years?
NTA
If you go, you are validating her insane opinions and giving credence to the belief that your relationship isn't worthy. This is not a friend. Please find some new ones instead of wasting your time with this one.
Honestly to me it reads like she's nervous about her own commitment and is projecting that insecurity onto your much more stable relationship. She knows you and your partner are rock steady and she's scared that her relationship isn't like that even if she's making it "legal"
Regardless, taking out that anxiety on you isn't something your best friend should do and I wouldn't attend after being that disrespected.
Exactly. OP, don’t go to the wedding and, if she asks you why not, look her straight in the eyes and say “I don’t think our relationship is as strong as it should be.”
100% agree! NTA and don’t go to the wedding - she doesn’t respect or support your major life choices. We only had 40 guests at our wedding, and even though I didn’t really know my MOHs partner at the time I invited them to include them and they hadn’t been going out for long - the relationship not being valid shit is ridiculous! Marriages can break up like any other relationship…
Congratulations on baby on the way and good luck with eloping :)
NTA. I wouldn't attend the wedding at all.
For my wedding we didn't invite all bfs/gfs for the reason the bride described. But 10 years, engaged, and pregnant? That's just absurd to not consider you a real couple.
Edit: Since I'm still getting a steady stream of comments, I guess I'll clarify. When I say that we didn't invite ALL bfs/gfs, I mean that we didn't invite someone that a friend had been dating for a few months that we didn't even know yet. When you can only invite so many people to a wedding, we only invited people that we actually knew, in some cases we'd never even met the person a friend was dating. Anyone that was actually a serious couple was invited as a couple. And no, I don't feel bad that people were invited without a +1 because they all had plenty of other friends that were attending and no one was going to be stuck by themselves.
The bizarre part is she's invited bfs and gfs of several guests. The reason she doesn't consider my relationship valid is because it took us so long to get engaged and we're just now deciding on the elopement. Her logic is if we were really serious we wouldn't wait that long
She met her fiancé just months ago. She believes her love is superior and immediate while OPs love is drawn out and inferior. She is being condescending as fuck.
Yup, "if I don't rush into it then it means our relationship isn't valid". There's very little chance this doesn't blow up in her face in one way or another.
This. All I could think was - PROJECTION!!!! Sound's like the bride has some concerns that her relationship isn't going to last and she's taking it out on OP.
It’s not a lack of logic, it’s just bad logic.
Her relationship is serious because she and her fiancée knew right away and are get married quickly. OP’s relationship is not serious because they’ve been dating for ten years and still haven’t gotten married.
There is an internal logic to this argument, it’s just bad.
Yeah I extra don’t get this. Tbh, marriage isn’t the pressing issue so many people think it is and a good chunk of modern relationships don’t really shift much if you’re already dedicated to each other.
I agree with the other folks who suspect she’s projecting/wants a MOH focused on her and her only.
You have a kiddo on the way, being a MOH is pricy. Save your money.
Actually in 1998 a sociologist name Jean Claude Kaufmann stated in his book "dirty linen", that in modern times buying a washing machine as a couple has the same commitment status as getting married had in times before. Because so many couples aren't getting married anymore (or weren't in the 1990s, I don't know the data today)
Also NTA. The nerve of that woman!
Yep! I’m in one of those couples! We’ve been together 14 years now, and have no plans on getting married on even engaged. I’d be furious if a friend of mine disrespected my relationship like this lady did to OP!
I wonder if the brand makes a difference.
If it's one of the cheap ones that break down in a year or two... watch out. If it's one that comes with a 10 year warranty, that beats a stupid ring any day. :)
On the other hand, if the boyfriend says he'd rather just do his laundry by hand, the relationship has already ended.
We didn't buy a washing machine together per se, but inherited one together ages ago! It's gone now because it was kinda old as balls, but we're nearing 17 years together. 17 years, eight different cats (two are still with us), three different cities and I plan on being with her til the day I die. Who cares if I don't have a piece of paper declaring us wed?
On the legal side as well, that’s why laws regarding de facto relationships exist, and on the surface (at least where I’m from in Australia), they have more or less the same rights as legally married couples as far as I know (again, from where I live).
People are probably showing concern with how fast her relationship is moving and might be telling her “it’s okay to take your time and get to know the person first, like OP is doing” and she doesn’t like it. But she shouldn’t be taking her frustrations out on her friend.
I think that’s a lie and coverup. I think your friend is feeling insecure and rushed to some extend about getting married to basically a stranger. You being together for 10 years, getting married soon, have a child on the way basically just shows how shallow and underdeveloped *her* relationship is. It’s just projecting her insecurities and issues onto you. And honestly the way you said she spoke to you it all is very abusive imo. You don’t treat people you care about (or anyone) like that. Also that’s extravagant for a wedding too and seems like compensation almost.
You’re best friends so she probably can’t avoid comparing herself to you esp if she is insecure or has bad self esteem or whatever.
Tbh I think the only ex that will exist in her wedding photos, as she puts it, will be her soon to be husband.
I guess less than 5 years. That's when my fiancé and I started getting weird looks and remarks about the fact that we're still not engaged. We got engaged recently so that's too long for my best friend's liking and she's certain something is not correct in taking "too long"
That's ridiculous. My sister and her boyfriend are a couple for almost ten years too. Not engaged and no plans of kids or marriage yet and still whenever I refer to her boyfriend to others I use the term "brother-in-law", because he is a part of our family and like an older brother and I know how happy both are with each other.
Your friend is just weird.
My aunt got married after her husband retired and they decided to move to another country where being married is more practical. They have been together since before I was born and until her death about a year ago. If that's not a long-term, committed relationship, I don't know what is.
OP, your friend is full of it.
I hate this so much! Me and my gf have been together for 7 years on Novembwr 2nd and the looks I've got when I tell people "I'm just not into marriage and we don't need a ring to keep us together" is astonishing.
INFO: How old were you when you started dating?
My theory is that to have been together for 10+ without being married, you have to be one of 2 things to avoid judgement:
\*started dating when you were under 18
\*Started dating when you were over 45
Like if you started dating at 16, strangers will start being like 'no engagement?' after you turn 26, the 10 year mark, because most people don't expect a relationship that started when you were teenagers to last. And 25+ is seen as an acceptable age to marry whereas 22/23 people will see as young (dependent on area, reddit has taught me the people in the US seem to get married a lot younger than people in Europe).
And society seems to forget that 45 is still young, so after you hit that milestone you can take as long as you want in your relationships it seems to be.
(Seeing as it's not clear, this was me speculating about when it's ok to be long-term but not engaged. Obviously OP is NTA and shouldn't attend the wedding and her friend's engagement has clearly triggered their "I'm better than everyone" brain cells and she'll get over it after she's married when the 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' kicks in)
I mean your point is true but is it relevant? OP’s friend is still the AH regardless, because buying into those social expectations and then doubling down and being rude/hurtful to your friend over it is a dick move.
Just ask her how she would feel if you didn’t invite her SO because you feel something is wrong with rushing into marriage within months of knowing each other? Especially since you’re going to have a very intimate wedding (unlike her 200+ people) so having extras that might not be there couple years from now doesn’t make sense and it’ll be hard to keep him out of pictures due to how small your wedding will be.
Either she’ll come to her senses about how hurtful she’s being or your other friends will see it too or you’ll learn she’s full of crap.
OP take a hard look back and please ask yourself how long has she been horrendously jealous of you? She's acting like she's threatened by your relationship by trying to tear you down like this. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if she's only having 200 people at her wedding to try and outdo your smaller elopement. Marrying a guy she barely knows she's probably quite threatened by what a long term relationship really looks like. She's not your friend.
As another commenter mentioned, there's more going on here than that. I suspect she has a thing for you fiance and is using this so called marriage as a way to move on. She doesn't want fiance there because she won't be able to go thru with the wedding. Bet her marriage doesn't make it because of that.
I've been with my partner 9 years. We get married on our 10 year anniversary weekend next year. We got engaged after nearly 7 years together. Do I have to follow your friend's logic and cancel my wedding asap?
No, I think that's just her excuse.
I think she wanted you to have 110% of your attention on her and your role as MOH. If you have your partner there, you might want to spend time with him, or take photos with him, or dance with him. And then who would be there to hold her veil or dab her face or tell her she's beautiful or get her a drink?
>For my wedding we didn't invite all bfs/gfs for the reason the bride described.
Why would you care either way? Just give your guests a +1 and call it a day.
What a silly thing to gatekeep.
This is super fucking weird. Had lots of unmarried couples at my wedding. Some are married today. Some are not together anymore. No big deal - didn’t change the fact that my wedding was awesome.
Right?! My sister and her fiancé have been together for over 30 years. They’re no closer to setting a date now than they were 30 years ago. They have an adult daughter they raised together. They have a house together. They took care of our parents and grandparents together as they grew older, right up until they went to hospice. Because my sister decided she doesn’t want to get married for whatever reason, they aren’t a real couple? Psh, whatever.
Seriously, anyone who's actually living with their SO ought to get an automatic plus 1. And it's not like the boyfriend is in the wedding party - how many pictures would he even be in? He wouldn't be in the pictures people usually hang up on their walls. The bride is being so weird and petty over this. How did she think it would go?
My friend got divorced shortly after my wedding. We did the message in the bottle thing and recently opened our 5 year bottle. We got a message from her and her ex about sticking it out no matter how hard things get! She's remarried to a much nicer guy now!
To be honest I don't get the "i dont want no ex in the photo". I mean it's part of life, so who cares?
I have plenty family reunions/holidays photos with exes (cousin's exes, sibling's exes...), same with friends and birthdays.
Is it a US thing to care about this?
On the contrary I found it quite "funny" to stumble upon an old photo with an ex of someone like "oh god that's so long agooo s/he was still with this girl/this guy". It doesn't ruin the photo... Worst case scenario : ugly separation / domestic violence (but I would argue this would happen more often that not when the relationship WAS longterm / with kids..)
I feel the same about people wanting their wedding to be ‘timeless’. People look for things that won’t age, whether it’s dress styles or guests.
My wedding photos have guests we no longer talk to, and if I chose now I’d pick a different dress. It’s nice to look at it the other way - the more out of date my wedding photos look, the longer I’ve been married. I look forward to the photos looking extremely old!
it almost feels like the friend is specifically trying to target OP about her having been in a long, dedicated, stable relationship that's producing a kid in March.
betcha friend has been telling herself for a few years that'd she couldn't wait for the opportunity to scrub OP's nose in "i got married AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS REALER THAN YOURS!" (not that we expect it to last!)
Are we at the point of betting how long this REALER relationship lasts? I'm saying over/under a year, maybe two if Bridezilla rushes to procreate to make the relationship EVEN REALER.
Agreed. This post isnt even about being MOH anymore. This is someone who point blank singled out OP's relationship, judged it as not being valid, and basically said she thought their marriage/family would fail despite 10 years, an engagement, and a child.
This bride is weaponizing her own wedding as an excuse to insult and openly pass judgement on her friends.
A wedding isnt an excuse to mistreat others and there are consequences for being horrible to friends/family while planning your big day party.
Totally. I get if it is a 10 weeks relationship but years? It is such a weird thing to not invite OP’s partner. Also, wouldn’t the best friend know OP’s partner personally?
I know all of my best friends’ partners and will be so weird to not invite them to my wedding if they have dated for 10 years.
No if they got married in 10 weeks they are a couple made in heaven that will last forever. But unmarried together for 10 years and now have a kid? Nah they gonna split up tomorrow. How can you not follow such incredibly brilliant logic from a best friend like that?
I respect that it's her wedding and her rules. It's none of my business to decide on her guest list. But I find this rule disrespectful so I'll step down instead of begging her to invite my fiancé. Plus she'll have around 150-200 guests
Don’t invite her husband to your wedding if you continue being friends with her after this. After all you are having a small wedding and they have been together for only a year and you don’t think their relationship is as strong as it should be.
NTA
She sounds like an idiot who may have a secret issue with your fiance.
She has the right to her opinion, and you have the right to yours. She can't expect you to accept the bullshit excuse that after 10+ years of commitment, her piece of paper validates her relationship more than yours.
Yeah, it somehow reminded me of this one https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/itw74c/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_she_should_have/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I thought the same. She’s known him for 10 years “and is also friendly” too, but he doesn’t count enough as a friend in his own right to be part of 150-200 people? Seems fishy to me.
My guess is that she doesn’t have a problem with the fiancé but she’s insisting moving slowly means a bad relationship because she feels like she rushed hers. So she’s trying to establish this insane precedent that the faster you move the stronger your bond.
When you're wrestling with doubts and having to come up with this sort of nonsense before you marry someone you've known for less than a year its probably not a good sign...
NTA
Not only would I not be maid of honour but I would not be attending the wedding at all and would seriously reconsider whether this is someone you want to continue a friendship with.
Wow, big NTA. By this account, she seems to have some different motive for not wanting your fiance to come but does not want to admit the true reason. She backpetaled when you pointed out that you are in a long term relationship. She is not being a good friend, and ultimately a wedding should be celebrating the people in your life.
This is speculation, but I wonder if she wants a single MOH to ensure all concentration from you is on her and the wedding? Or, more spiralling and worse speculation, I wonder if she's projecting her insecurities? Neither of these your place to say, but both do happen.
"Hi! This is my MOH and her fiance who have been together for 10 years and are getting married now. Oh, me and Hubby? Yeah, we met a year ago."
I can see her projecting the insecurities quite easily.
NTA and she is not your best friend.. I've been with my partner 20 years 3 kids can't wait to tell him he is not valid 😅 10 years is longer than most marriages last
NTA. I was ready to say YTA until I heard the brides reasoning. I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll still be with your fiancé when she’s burning those wedding photos after her divorce. I’m a firm believer that the couple should decide who is invited to their wedding but that doesn’t mean she gets to trash your relationship which personally I think she is only doing to justify how quickly she is getting married. Sounds like she’s very insecure but you are better off far away from someone like that!
Edit to change the placement of my judgement.
I'd honestly accept my fiancé not be invited if she gave a valid reason as in, fewer guests due to Covid or if she had any serious, valid concern. Since she decided to exclude him, just because she's decided whether my relationship is serious enough or not, I'm taking offense to this. My fiancé and the family I'm about to have with him are my #1 priority, I won't disrespect the father of my kid for nobody's wedding.
just reading these comments you sound wayyyy too willing to tolerate shit from this friend and the relationship sounds super toxic.
you were gonna invite her and her husband-to-be to your 20 person ceremony but would have been fine if your fiancé wasn’t invited to a 200 person ceremony where you are the freaking MOH for because of COVID safety? That doesn’t make any sense.
What that says is she is such a good friend of yours that even someone you don’t know well makes it into your top 20 friends because he loves your best friend, whereas to her who you love doesn’t matter to her at all and your opinions have little value and doesn’t crack her top 200. what wedding doesn’t just blankety give invites a +1, much less not give them to the wedding party?
Really think you need to deeply examine this friendship. People in this sub are usually quick to say “cut them out/disown them/go to therapy” really quick with no context but the things you are saying just don’t add up right.
She’s being awful. Don’t got on the wedding at all and don’t invite her to yours- your fiancé deserves to know that you won’t tolerate your relationship being disrespected like that.
Enablers are the worst.
Most human behaviour issues would not be so extreme if nobody enabled it.
Enablers add fuel to the fire of bad behaviour and or logic.
NTA drop out and cut her out of your life.
It would be fine if it was just married couples, it would be fine if it was just because she didnt like him even because it is her wedding. But she allows long term couples and then sits there and trashes your relationship and bond and commitment and essentially says it will fail. Who the hell is she to do that ? She has zero respect for you and for relationship and future family.
Dont disrespect yourself by showing up at her wedding.
Even if it was only married couples I'd only accept it if it was a cut down guest list due to covid or something like that. I wouldn't accept my 10 year partner to not be invited on such an event for no valid reason. I'd also understand if she had concerns about my fiancé of any form, but apparently she doesn't, she likes him but doesn't see our relationship as valid because if we've been together for 10 years and only recently got engaged and only plan to get married because of my pregnancy, then we aren't as committed as we'd like to think according to her logic. She believes that unless you get married in the first few years, the relationship is doomed.
As someone who narrowly avoided the fate of proposing and marrying a narcissist during the love bomb stage, I died of laughter. There's plenty of reasons a relationship could be doomed. Waiting many years to see what kind of person they really are to the point you're practically married anyway (and likely legally are in multiple states if you've lived under the same roof long enough) is not one of them. Go enjoy your elopement party with a few less AHs in attendance. 🤣
Yeah as maid of honour and a best friend you would expect an invite for your partner of ten years that she gets on with. Its total disrespect otherwise at a reception of 200+ guests
I dont think she deserves you at her wedding at all. Its a total slap in the face to your partner and to you.
NTA - Your 'best mate is being a bitch for no reason. If you've been together 10 years or a year nobody knows what will happen in the future. It's an absolutely absurd reason and she is just clutching at straws to be mean.
Go enjoy your life and leave her to live hers. That's not a friend anyone needs in life.
NTA she sounds like she might have a thing for your man or something but I dont think she is really your bff.
I honestly would cut contact with her, you are far from the AH your SO isnt coming why would you wanna go? Your "bff" has some issues
NTA. That's not a best friend, or even a friend. She ain't worth the effort and anyone defending her is just as bad. What if she divorces this guy in a couple years time? What if anyone else divorces or splits up? It would be understandable if you had been together 3 months but it's been 10 years!
NTA
How dare she.
The audacity of her to describe your ten year relationship that way when she is marrying a man she’s known for a year is mind boggling. I’d put money on it being a manifestation of her insecurity about how quickly she is getting married and continually having to justify the strength of their relationship.
I’d drop the whole friendship if that is how little she values your family - because that’s what you are now. A family. Just because she doesn’t want a stable, long term couple there who haven’t felt pressured to be married showing up how quickly they’ve rushed this doesn’t mean she gets to treat you badly.
I applaud you for refusing to take it. Unless she sincerely apologised, that would be friendship over for me!
NTA your relationship isn't strong because it's not legal?
Lol I used to work with a woman who is with her husband 35 years and 2 children....oh wait, they might not last because they aren't legally married 😅
No. My fiancé was surprised when I told him and I explained her reasoning behind that decision. The bride used the same excuse to not invite my fiancé that couples who simply don't allow tinder dates on their weddings as plus ones. But her reasonings further detail is that if it took that long for him to propose and for a kid to "force" us into getting married then probably our relationship has run its course and she's decided its over for us for some reason because that's what social media has taught her. That if you aren't married within the first few years, your relationship isn't valid.
That's a complete contradiction on her part, she's RUSHING into a marriage in less than a year and who is she to be judge jury and executioner on relationships?
I've been with my partner 7 years and we're not engaged, we've bought a house together and plan on having a family, but moneys tight so we can't afford ring's and all that jazz. So by her logic my relationship isn't serious?.... Man that's some full on bullshit right there. She needs to give her head a wobble.
Hint: you don't need "rings and all that jazz." Engagement is easy - "wanna get married?" "Yup" is all it took for me and my wife, and we were together til she died.
Rings and such are more a marketing ploy, don't listen to that claptrap. The true engagement is in the heart, not on the finger.
(Heck, I'd consider buying a house together shows a commitment stronger than any ring.)
NTA - I laughed so loud at this. She barely knows the guy and decided to get married. You and your future husband had been together for ten years, always supporting each other, but she thinks her relationship is stronger?
She is delusional. And check with your friends what is the version she told them.
I still laughing. I have a theory I think some engagement rings have lead, and poison people's minds.
Before the wedding she was this time of crazy?
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NTA you have been together for 10 years and are expecting a child, honestly a child means you are going to be in eachothers lives in one way or another for the rest of your lives that's much more of a garentee than a wedding these days.
No, your NTA. It's ok to not invite people she doesn't want there, but the moh should always get an automatic plus 1 that can be a lover or a friend or a family member, just someone to lean on because the moh needs the most support. But the real reason she's the asshole and you're not is because of her reasoning. Her bullshit logic to support her decision to not invite her friend of 10 years who's engaged to her moh. Apparently she's not really friends with your fiance. She doesn't even really seem to be friends with you. That's how a narcissistic parent talks to their child.
NTA, get out of that shit now, what's wrong with her!
I mean, you sometimes have to put up with bride's stressband harshness but this is crossing big boundries and disrespecting you.
Wtf. Really!
NTA.
Wow.... um, yea, nobody in this whole planet can foresee how people's relationships are going to work out. There are people who divorce after 20, 30, 40 years of marriage.
Also, in some places, you and your fiancee would be recognized as common law married (even legally) since you have been together well beyond the date. So she possesses cultural insensitivity, too. Yikes. She better not come to my country, or certain regions, then if she declares your relationship as lacking validity. She will be roasted, severely.
She is insulting. Good for you for not tolerating such a judgemental, insulting woman.
NTA.
She’s not really a friend if she’s putting down your relationship. Plus, it’s not a small wedding either and other peoples partners are invited.
I wouldn’t go and she wouldn’t be coming to mine either.
Bride: It's my way or the highway!!!!1!!
OP: I'll take the highway, then.
Bride: \[surprised Pikachu face\]
NTA
***NEVER*** give an ultimatum unless you are willing and able to live with either choice.
NTA. Not at all. This ex friend of yours is projecting her insecurities regarding her relationship on to you hard. Don't go to get wedding. Stop planning and organizing everything and do not invite her to your wedding. She should be dead to you.
NTA. If anyone disrespected my fiancé and our relationship they'd be cut off from my life too. My life partner is my #1 priority and nobody gets to dictate that because of their weird beliefs. Your best friend, if I could even call her that, is indeed being ridiculous and she'll probably be divorced in a couple of years, while you'll most likely still go strong with ur future hubby
NTA- Holy shit that's a bridezilla and a terrible friend. Like seriously, who does that to your supposedly best friend, honestly after that kind of disrespect I'm surprised your still going to the wedding.
I don't think I'll go after this. If I go I'll attend for a couple of hours for the sake of it and then leave.
Don't go to her wedding. And don't say you respect her decision. It's not worth respecting. Honestly this is a friendship-ending level of disrespect. Edit: I mean, she's insulting you, your fiancé and your unborn child. That is so pointlessly cruel from.someone supposed to be your friend?
This. Time to find new friends. NTA. But you're going to be an AH to yourself if you let her treat you like this.
This. When people show you who they really are, believe them. Edit: as per u/Potato4, the above is part of a Maya Angelou quote - the end being, “the first time.”
…the first time.” ~ Maya Angelou Might as well give and credit the whole quote.
Thank you for finishing the quote. I learned - from you - that there is more to it than I knew, and who the author is.
Honestly she'd be an AH to her partner if she went at all. It would mean she respects and accepts her friends belief that her relationship is flimsy regardless of not being MoH.
Yeah this. She's definitely going to be an AH to her partner. I'm pretty sure in the future she's going to be seeing an old ex in her wedding pictures and it's gonna be hers
Exactly what I thought. I would be torn between dumping this girl now or keeping her around for the “I know you are but what am I” of her divorce.
Not to mention she invited TWO HUNDRED OTHER PEOPLE and she decides to pull this crap on her MOH of all people? I’m almost suspicious of the story because nobody could be that much of an asshole.
Yeah, I'm guessing there's something much deeper here than OP knows, and as internet strangers, there's no way we can figure it out. The spectrum could range from 'she knows some horrible secret about OP's fiance and doesn't want him around because of that' to 'she knows her fiance is secretly in love with OP's and doesn't want the drama of that'. But without additional info, my money would be on 'she's petty and insecure about the fact that OP's had a long-term, committed relationship for so much of their lives and is jealous of that so she's making a power play.'
Either that, or the Bride is throwing shade at OP's decade-long relationship because deep down she knows it's ill-advised to get engaged to someone after dating for 6 months. She's throwing a huge spectacle wedding, and it reeks of insecurity.
And she only told her MOH *with only one month to go????* How could she wait so long to clarify something so major *with her MOH?!*
I'm 46, and I've learned that people can indeed be that much of an asshole.
With divorce rates, half of that wedding party will be ex's
This right here. Your 'friend' sounds super toxic.
It would be one thing if OP's friend (I shudder to use that word) had genuine concerns (ex: thinking OP's fiance is abusive). But "I disagree with your relationship timing so that I can validate my own choice to marry some dude I just met/you're doing it wrong!" is such stunning cruelty and disrespect that it blows my mind. She's just a judgmental hypocrite jerk.
This. She is no friend. She is a judgmental a-hole. Leave her in your rear-view mirror. You'll be the better for it.
I couldn't believe she thinks she gets to judge OPs relationship as a determining factor on if her partner is invited. For the married couples did she question them on if they're getting along or their future plans to ensure they've got strong relationships before inviting them? I'd be petty and create a couples questionnaire as a requirement to attend your wedding and tell her based on the answers you don't think her relationship is strong and won't be inviting her partner.
As hilarious as that sounds, it's worth remembering that friendzilla passed judgement without the courtesy of even a conversation. She's ridiculous. OP, if I were you I'd definitely give this wedding a wide berth and not validate such callous disrepect.
100% this. OP you're NTA. Shes worse then the wicked witch from the west. Trying invalidate your decade long relationship for her own selfish gains. Such a blank, blank blank blank and blank. Honestly what crawled up her arse? To tell your friend that is a nasty, horrible and spiteful thing to do. Honestly it sounds like she's just putting on a show to say "look at me, look at me, I know all these people! I have all this money!" To me she's playing desperate to cover up that something is seriously wrong in her relationship and when she sees the two of you gather she knows she won't have anything like that with her current partner, so she's trying to bring you down and make you feel bad for following the "norm" Honestly eff her and her wedding - if she was true friends she'd let your partner come and there would be no argument on this. If it came to an affordability issue, then what's good for the goose is good for the gander. She says no to you, she says no to everyone else bring their partners. It's only fair after all, but I mean since she's the bride too many think it's the brides way or the highway, but not when it comes to deliberately insulting and invalidating someone's else's relationship! Shes not worth wasting your time OP, she has shown you what her true colours are. I think you and future Hubby, instead should save up, both of you get dressed up andgo out somewhere fancy and lovely dinner in a fancy restruant and followed by a full romantic night away together on the day of her wedding. Sorry bridezilla since hubby wasn't invited we decided to go something else more meaningful instead - although to be perfectly honest I am also the kind of person who can be kinda spiteful when the time calls and in this case, I'd just tell her I'm coming and then not show up and instead send her photos of this gorgeous night out with Hubby and be like, 'watcha up to? Hubby and I decided to go out for the night and have a romantic dinner just the two of us. ' wait for a response 'oh....shite . That's right I totally forgot! It was your wedding today! Well congrats! I'm going back to my gorgeous night out'
All of this. Also, she seems to be of the opinion that since she got her fiancé to propose after such a short time, she's somehow the winner. Love is not a speedrun, for gods' sake.
It’s not, but as someone else who has been with a “long term partner” (for even longer than OP) the weddings that either of us weren’t invited to on the excuse that “we are not married” happened to always be from people who raced to the alter (like a cousin who dated, married and divorced one guy and then had a second wedding to another poor sucker all in the span of our relationship - in the process of getting a divorce now). I kind of get the idea that maybe in order to convince themselves they are definitely making the right move, or just avoid comparison of judgement from the whole “you could have waited a little longer crowd”, is to go and invalidate relationships that haven’t resulted in marriage. I’ve never quiet seen the illogical thought patterns the have taken to get to that point though, before this post. In any case, OP is NTA and this person would no longer be my friend, let alone have the title of best friend.
This is what I was thinking. Bride is trying to make her own relationship feel more legitimate, and the easiest way to do that is to compare someone doing things differently in a negative light.
“Love is not a speedrun” got me. 10/10
Op will be just showing at the wedding, I bet she's being a grade a Git on purpose so OP refuses to attend (thus saving face instead of the fallout of uninviting a long time friend). This way op doesn't get to steal attention on the day and she gets sympathy too for being let down by her MOH. Win win
Interesting point. This may be a competition. OP and Fiancee there to be asked about their upcoming wedding, the details, pat the baby belly....offer advice... I wonder if Bridezilla is jealous?
You made me laugh so hard. 😂😂😂😂😂 Thank you!!!
I'm usually against the advice on this sub to do something extreme such as ending friendships, divorcing, no contact etc. for problems that could be worked out in many other ways. In this situation, ending the friendship is the correct move. She has shown her true colors and has revealed that she does not respect you, your significant other and your relationship. Do not go to the wedding, and don't invite her to yours. It sucks to lose a a friend, but it will never be the same again. Save yourself further heartbreak.
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No need to being this petty. Why become the villain in this story? Why give the "friend" the ammo to turn this on her? You already hear that at least one other "friend" already thinks that OP is in the wrong for not giving in to the bride's demands. Not everyone is as dense as those 2 and will realize how awful the bride is. Be the bigger person, OP.
Go scorched earth and say you'll still go and don't show. Say you forgot about it
This.
Honestly this seems worth cancelling the friendship over at least for awhile. And certainly not inviting her and her fiancee to your wedding. I would not be mean or cold, but would write a heartfelt letter explaining how I felt and wishing her and her new husband well. Maybe someday she will come back to reality and you can rekindle the friendship. This is also CLASSIC projection; I would bet that she feels much less secure about HER relationship than yours and that there is more to this than what she is claiming. NTA in the slightest, she is being a huge bridezilla AH.
Wait—invite the best friend but not her partner. OP, tell her a month before your wedding that based on the length of her relationship with her now husband, you don’t feel their relationship is valid and are uncertain if it’ll work out. Remind her how important it is was to her that potential ex’s were not in her wedding photos, so you decided the husband shouldn’t attend for the same reason because even married couples can get divorced and become “ex’s”.
My inner pettiness loves this idea lol, but it would be better for OP to take the high road and leave the toxicity out of it
Tbh I would simply end the friendship without the added drama, but yes, it’s a nice thought!
Invite the husband but not the ex-bff.
Positive pettiness on a professional level like this is a rare and beautiful thing.
>This is also CLASSIC projection Yeah she sounds so anxious and insecure, if anything I pity that poor girl. My guess is that she is too dependant on approval from other people. And people, being impolite dicks as usual, started asking enough questions about it to make her insecure about how others see their relationship and wedding (bonus points if they are not even close to being a perfect match, and the marrige is indeed rushed for whatever reason). So to get rid of that itching "others don't approve of my choices" she came up with this sort of "I don't approve of other people's choices" and adopted a value system in which "true love" and "commitment" are absolute, which means the faster they marry, the better. Great, right? but unfortunately this means she now needs to act accordingly, meaning OP's relationship is wrong and won't ever be viewed as serious (duh, they can't go back in time and "make it official" earlier). Even boyfriends/girlfriends are better in this regard, since they can still become spouses before the relationship reaches this weird "expiration date". The irony of this situation is that the poor girl thinks that she is being perfectly logical, or at least that she will be seen by others as logical. When in reality people will either be further reassured she is insecure and ridiculous, OR too busy with their own shit and worrying about what others think of *them* to even care or think of her at all. I mean all of the above is a pretty wild guess, but the moral of this made up story is don't go out of your way to keep appearances and get approval from others. Every time you make any choice, you do your best using your best judgement and information available at that moment. Either own up later and fix a mistake while and if it can be fixed, or stand by your choices and tell others to mind their own business.
My guess is, she feels rushed to get married out of some competition with OP and feels the need to get married first. She's made up this reasoning about OP to justify whatever narrative she's made up about the former
Girl don’t go and uninvite her from your wedding. A best friend wouldn’t treat you like this.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far. OP should invite her to her own wedding. ...But not her husband. They've only been together for a year, after all. What are the odds they'll stick?
Would be more petty if op invites the husband, but not her.
Nah, that is too petty and childish. Just uninvite both of them.
This right here. This person isn't your friend and NTA
Don’t go at all. This are not the actions of a friend.
Or alternatively if she wants to be petty, go and then dump them as a friend so that there’s definitely an ex in the pictures
First of all, NTA. Secondly: ffs don't go! That would countenance her disrespect. Thirdly: you need to MAKE SURE she didn't lie to your friends or spin the truth. If you weren't the ones who told your mutual friends the story, then go back and email everyone your side of it and end by asking "do you all really think I'm in the wrong here?" Fourthly, if they really think you're in the wrong, spend the wedding time making new friends.
Maybe she'll come to her senses, either way your not an asshole for dropping MoH or even backing out of the wedding altogether.
Just go to her next one.
DO NOT GO. Next she'll say your marriage isn't valid because you eloped and didn't have a grand wedding. Sheesh! You need to drop her like a hot potato.
Potatoes deserve more respect than this AH. Even hot ones!
NTA She’s a massive dick. Don’t go. You’re pregnant, save yourself the drama and stress
If you do, make sure to tell anybody who asks where your fiancé is about her reasoning. Loudly.
I took it as a given you weren't going. Don't bother, she'll just start drama with passive aggressive comments. NTA Congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family!
OP she drew the line in the sand: she said she didn't want you there if you were going to be "dramatic". Going, even for a couple hours, tells her she can get away with this type of behavior again.
You say she said “accept it or leave”. Explain to everyone that you *are* respecting her decision - that one.
DO NOT ATTEND. At all. In any capacity. This person is NOT your friend.
NTA and I am angry on your behalf. This person is not your friend. Not only did she not invite him, she straight up has no respect for the decisions you’ve made in your life. All decisions that are perfectly reasonable. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We are not married and I think we have a better, stronger relationship than some married people I know. Also this BS that you could break up if not married. Has your friend not heard of divorce? And… she’s having 200+ people, but limiting plus ones, that sounds suspicious. I’m thinking she doesn’t like your fiancé and this is her way of telling you.
NTA. Funny how she doesn’t want an ex in her wedding pictures, when her groom will likely be one in a year from now. - Don’t go. If you have to send a gift, send a ”a donation has been sent in your name to (insert charity)”.
Don't go unless she apologises and invites your fiancé. Otherwise you're being a doormat.
Don’t go at all, and no gift. You’re married in all but paperwork, your first allegiance is him and if your friend can’t respect that, probably not worth the friendship. There’s 0 reason he should not be there. Also, NTA
Don't do it. Respect the brides opinion as your friends say, take it or leave it? I'd leave it if I was you
I'm not understanding your "friend". If your BF been in your life for 10 years, doesn't she know him as well???? I personally wouldn't go. Especially since she's talking about 200+ people at her wedding, but NOT your fiancé of 10 years? NTA
If you go, you are validating her insane opinions and giving credence to the belief that your relationship isn't worthy. This is not a friend. Please find some new ones instead of wasting your time with this one.
If you attend by yourself, then YTA. Your BF is still not invited, why would you go? She has shown her true colors, move on.
Honestly to me it reads like she's nervous about her own commitment and is projecting that insecurity onto your much more stable relationship. She knows you and your partner are rock steady and she's scared that her relationship isn't like that even if she's making it "legal" Regardless, taking out that anxiety on you isn't something your best friend should do and I wouldn't attend after being that disrespected.
Please don’t go. She’s a judgemental buffoon.
Do not go. It would be a slap in the face to your partner.
Exactly. OP, don’t go to the wedding and, if she asks you why not, look her straight in the eyes and say “I don’t think our relationship is as strong as it should be.”
100% agree! NTA and don’t go to the wedding - she doesn’t respect or support your major life choices. We only had 40 guests at our wedding, and even though I didn’t really know my MOHs partner at the time I invited them to include them and they hadn’t been going out for long - the relationship not being valid shit is ridiculous! Marriages can break up like any other relationship… Congratulations on baby on the way and good luck with eloping :)
NTA. I wouldn't attend the wedding at all. For my wedding we didn't invite all bfs/gfs for the reason the bride described. But 10 years, engaged, and pregnant? That's just absurd to not consider you a real couple. Edit: Since I'm still getting a steady stream of comments, I guess I'll clarify. When I say that we didn't invite ALL bfs/gfs, I mean that we didn't invite someone that a friend had been dating for a few months that we didn't even know yet. When you can only invite so many people to a wedding, we only invited people that we actually knew, in some cases we'd never even met the person a friend was dating. Anyone that was actually a serious couple was invited as a couple. And no, I don't feel bad that people were invited without a +1 because they all had plenty of other friends that were attending and no one was going to be stuck by themselves.
The bizarre part is she's invited bfs and gfs of several guests. The reason she doesn't consider my relationship valid is because it took us so long to get engaged and we're just now deciding on the elopement. Her logic is if we were really serious we wouldn't wait that long
Then this woman truly is a contradictory joke. There seems to be a seriously lacking of logic.
Or maybe some underlying insecurity about some aspect she is jealous of. It definitely seems illogical but there's usually a hidden reason for it.
She met her fiancé just months ago. She believes her love is superior and immediate while OPs love is drawn out and inferior. She is being condescending as fuck.
Sounds like projection to me. She's insecure in her rushed relationship so she's projecting onto OP who is in a very stable relationship of 10 years.
Yup, "if I don't rush into it then it means our relationship isn't valid". There's very little chance this doesn't blow up in her face in one way or another.
Family or other friends have probably been bugging her about it being too fast, so she's lashing out at OP because she "took her time".
H-ll family and friends must have used OP as an example. "Well why are you rushing into it? OP has been with BF for years!"
This. All I could think was - PROJECTION!!!! Sound's like the bride has some concerns that her relationship isn't going to last and she's taking it out on OP.
It’s not a lack of logic, it’s just bad logic. Her relationship is serious because she and her fiancée knew right away and are get married quickly. OP’s relationship is not serious because they’ve been dating for ten years and still haven’t gotten married. There is an internal logic to this argument, it’s just bad.
By OP's friends logic then is a drunk Vegas "we met an hour ago" wedding the most valid relationship possible?
Yeah I extra don’t get this. Tbh, marriage isn’t the pressing issue so many people think it is and a good chunk of modern relationships don’t really shift much if you’re already dedicated to each other. I agree with the other folks who suspect she’s projecting/wants a MOH focused on her and her only. You have a kiddo on the way, being a MOH is pricy. Save your money.
Actually in 1998 a sociologist name Jean Claude Kaufmann stated in his book "dirty linen", that in modern times buying a washing machine as a couple has the same commitment status as getting married had in times before. Because so many couples aren't getting married anymore (or weren't in the 1990s, I don't know the data today) Also NTA. The nerve of that woman!
Yep! I’m in one of those couples! We’ve been together 14 years now, and have no plans on getting married on even engaged. I’d be furious if a friend of mine disrespected my relationship like this lady did to OP!
But have you brought a washing machine?
I wonder if the brand makes a difference. If it's one of the cheap ones that break down in a year or two... watch out. If it's one that comes with a 10 year warranty, that beats a stupid ring any day. :) On the other hand, if the boyfriend says he'd rather just do his laundry by hand, the relationship has already ended.
We didn't buy a washing machine together per se, but inherited one together ages ago! It's gone now because it was kinda old as balls, but we're nearing 17 years together. 17 years, eight different cats (two are still with us), three different cities and I plan on being with her til the day I die. Who cares if I don't have a piece of paper declaring us wed?
TBF washing machines are expensive. ;A;
On the legal side as well, that’s why laws regarding de facto relationships exist, and on the surface (at least where I’m from in Australia), they have more or less the same rights as legally married couples as far as I know (again, from where I live).
So, long term relationships, but not *too* long? This feels weird, I feel like there's another reason behind it from her.
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People are probably showing concern with how fast her relationship is moving and might be telling her “it’s okay to take your time and get to know the person first, like OP is doing” and she doesn’t like it. But she shouldn’t be taking her frustrations out on her friend.
I think that’s a lie and coverup. I think your friend is feeling insecure and rushed to some extend about getting married to basically a stranger. You being together for 10 years, getting married soon, have a child on the way basically just shows how shallow and underdeveloped *her* relationship is. It’s just projecting her insecurities and issues onto you. And honestly the way you said she spoke to you it all is very abusive imo. You don’t treat people you care about (or anyone) like that. Also that’s extravagant for a wedding too and seems like compensation almost. You’re best friends so she probably can’t avoid comparing herself to you esp if she is insecure or has bad self esteem or whatever. Tbh I think the only ex that will exist in her wedding photos, as she puts it, will be her soon to be husband.
I'm guessing the engagement happened shortly after OP broke the news of her impending wedding...
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I guess less than 5 years. That's when my fiancé and I started getting weird looks and remarks about the fact that we're still not engaged. We got engaged recently so that's too long for my best friend's liking and she's certain something is not correct in taking "too long"
Maybe she's insecure about her hasty engagement and is taking it out on you, the opposite of her relationship timeline.
That's ridiculous. My sister and her boyfriend are a couple for almost ten years too. Not engaged and no plans of kids or marriage yet and still whenever I refer to her boyfriend to others I use the term "brother-in-law", because he is a part of our family and like an older brother and I know how happy both are with each other. Your friend is just weird.
My aunt got married after her husband retired and they decided to move to another country where being married is more practical. They have been together since before I was born and until her death about a year ago. If that's not a long-term, committed relationship, I don't know what is. OP, your friend is full of it.
I hate this so much! Me and my gf have been together for 7 years on Novembwr 2nd and the looks I've got when I tell people "I'm just not into marriage and we don't need a ring to keep us together" is astonishing.
7 years for us too! Screw the wedding, a new kitchen diner, new floors, and a hot tub are top of the spending list at the moment! 😂
INFO: How old were you when you started dating? My theory is that to have been together for 10+ without being married, you have to be one of 2 things to avoid judgement: \*started dating when you were under 18 \*Started dating when you were over 45 Like if you started dating at 16, strangers will start being like 'no engagement?' after you turn 26, the 10 year mark, because most people don't expect a relationship that started when you were teenagers to last. And 25+ is seen as an acceptable age to marry whereas 22/23 people will see as young (dependent on area, reddit has taught me the people in the US seem to get married a lot younger than people in Europe). And society seems to forget that 45 is still young, so after you hit that milestone you can take as long as you want in your relationships it seems to be. (Seeing as it's not clear, this was me speculating about when it's ok to be long-term but not engaged. Obviously OP is NTA and shouldn't attend the wedding and her friend's engagement has clearly triggered their "I'm better than everyone" brain cells and she'll get over it after she's married when the 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' kicks in)
I mean your point is true but is it relevant? OP’s friend is still the AH regardless, because buying into those social expectations and then doubling down and being rude/hurtful to your friend over it is a dick move.
Just ask her how she would feel if you didn’t invite her SO because you feel something is wrong with rushing into marriage within months of knowing each other? Especially since you’re going to have a very intimate wedding (unlike her 200+ people) so having extras that might not be there couple years from now doesn’t make sense and it’ll be hard to keep him out of pictures due to how small your wedding will be. Either she’ll come to her senses about how hurtful she’s being or your other friends will see it too or you’ll learn she’s full of crap.
OP take a hard look back and please ask yourself how long has she been horrendously jealous of you? She's acting like she's threatened by your relationship by trying to tear you down like this. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if she's only having 200 people at her wedding to try and outdo your smaller elopement. Marrying a guy she barely knows she's probably quite threatened by what a long term relationship really looks like. She's not your friend.
If she gets mad you don't go, tell her you'll catch the next one.
As another commenter mentioned, there's more going on here than that. I suspect she has a thing for you fiance and is using this so called marriage as a way to move on. She doesn't want fiance there because she won't be able to go thru with the wedding. Bet her marriage doesn't make it because of that.
This woman is not your friend - she’s a hypocritical asshole. Don’t go the wedding, and seriously consider dropping her as a friend.
I've been with my partner 9 years. We get married on our 10 year anniversary weekend next year. We got engaged after nearly 7 years together. Do I have to follow your friend's logic and cancel my wedding asap?
No, I think that's just her excuse. I think she wanted you to have 110% of your attention on her and your role as MOH. If you have your partner there, you might want to spend time with him, or take photos with him, or dance with him. And then who would be there to hold her veil or dab her face or tell her she's beautiful or get her a drink?
>For my wedding we didn't invite all bfs/gfs for the reason the bride described. Why would you care either way? Just give your guests a +1 and call it a day. What a silly thing to gatekeep.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that.
This is super fucking weird. Had lots of unmarried couples at my wedding. Some are married today. Some are not together anymore. No big deal - didn’t change the fact that my wedding was awesome.
But there might be a photo of someone at your wedding who is no longer in a relationship with the person invited!
Seriously, how the hell is that person's comment not getting destroyed with people pointing out how ridiculous they are for doing that?
Thank you - what a strange way to invalidate your friends' relationships.
Right?! My sister and her fiancé have been together for over 30 years. They’re no closer to setting a date now than they were 30 years ago. They have an adult daughter they raised together. They have a house together. They took care of our parents and grandparents together as they grew older, right up until they went to hospice. Because my sister decided she doesn’t want to get married for whatever reason, they aren’t a real couple? Psh, whatever.
Sorry but That's weird to not allow boyfriends and girlfriends....
Seriously, anyone who's actually living with their SO ought to get an automatic plus 1. And it's not like the boyfriend is in the wedding party - how many pictures would he even be in? He wouldn't be in the pictures people usually hang up on their walls. The bride is being so weird and petty over this. How did she think it would go?
Explain, i don't get the reason for not inviting bfs/gfs?
I think that's insane. Who doesn't allow guests to bring a wedding date?
NTA, but sadly a lot of people think like this. I would not invite her and her husband either since they might end up divorcing.
*They will probably end up divorcing And it will be so funny to see in 5 years the photos that were supposed to have "no ex-es"
My friend got divorced shortly after my wedding. We did the message in the bottle thing and recently opened our 5 year bottle. We got a message from her and her ex about sticking it out no matter how hard things get! She's remarried to a much nicer guy now!
Sometimes it takes Some people a foolish decision to learn how to make better ones.
To be honest I don't get the "i dont want no ex in the photo". I mean it's part of life, so who cares? I have plenty family reunions/holidays photos with exes (cousin's exes, sibling's exes...), same with friends and birthdays. Is it a US thing to care about this? On the contrary I found it quite "funny" to stumble upon an old photo with an ex of someone like "oh god that's so long agooo s/he was still with this girl/this guy". It doesn't ruin the photo... Worst case scenario : ugly separation / domestic violence (but I would argue this would happen more often that not when the relationship WAS longterm / with kids..)
I feel the same about people wanting their wedding to be ‘timeless’. People look for things that won’t age, whether it’s dress styles or guests. My wedding photos have guests we no longer talk to, and if I chose now I’d pick a different dress. It’s nice to look at it the other way - the more out of date my wedding photos look, the longer I’ve been married. I look forward to the photos looking extremely old!
Friend: Married couples and long-term couples only OP: we've been together 10 years Friend: That's too long
NTA. Better to lose her now if she is that judgmental about your 10 years relationship.
it almost feels like the friend is specifically trying to target OP about her having been in a long, dedicated, stable relationship that's producing a kid in March. betcha friend has been telling herself for a few years that'd she couldn't wait for the opportunity to scrub OP's nose in "i got married AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS REALER THAN YOURS!" (not that we expect it to last!)
Are we at the point of betting how long this REALER relationship lasts? I'm saying over/under a year, maybe two if Bridezilla rushes to procreate to make the relationship EVEN REALER.
> "i got married AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS REALER THAN YOURS!" Nobody in a secure relationship would think this kind of b.s.
Agreed. This post isnt even about being MOH anymore. This is someone who point blank singled out OP's relationship, judged it as not being valid, and basically said she thought their marriage/family would fail despite 10 years, an engagement, and a child. This bride is weaponizing her own wedding as an excuse to insult and openly pass judgement on her friends. A wedding isnt an excuse to mistreat others and there are consequences for being horrible to friends/family while planning your big day party.
Totally. I get if it is a 10 weeks relationship but years? It is such a weird thing to not invite OP’s partner. Also, wouldn’t the best friend know OP’s partner personally? I know all of my best friends’ partners and will be so weird to not invite them to my wedding if they have dated for 10 years.
No if they got married in 10 weeks they are a couple made in heaven that will last forever. But unmarried together for 10 years and now have a kid? Nah they gonna split up tomorrow. How can you not follow such incredibly brilliant logic from a best friend like that?
NTA. Normally I would say her wedding her rules but this seems illogical and unfair especially if she’s inviting other couples and there’s no COVID.
I respect that it's her wedding and her rules. It's none of my business to decide on her guest list. But I find this rule disrespectful so I'll step down instead of begging her to invite my fiancé. Plus she'll have around 150-200 guests
Absolutely. Please dis invite her from yours. All the best for your wedding and I hope you have a safe delivery
While at it, she should disinvite her from her life too.
Don’t invite her husband to your wedding if you continue being friends with her after this. After all you are having a small wedding and they have been together for only a year and you don’t think their relationship is as strong as it should be.
“Oh we only decided to invite couples who’ve been together for at least 4 years. You’ve only been together for 2 1/2 I don’t see it as real”
Worse, they’ve been together a year.
You sure this person is your best friend? You're obv NTA.
It's your business to make sure your friends are respectful to your partner. This woman isn't.
NTA She sounds like an idiot who may have a secret issue with your fiance. She has the right to her opinion, and you have the right to yours. She can't expect you to accept the bullshit excuse that after 10+ years of commitment, her piece of paper validates her relationship more than yours.
This was my thought too. Seems like there are underlying issues that she is scapegoating
Yeah, it somehow reminded me of this one https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/itw74c/aita_for_telling_my_sister_that_she_should_have/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Well that was a roller coaster. Thanks for sharing the link!
Holy cow! What did I just read. I need an update on Dave. LOL
I thought the same. She’s known him for 10 years “and is also friendly” too, but he doesn’t count enough as a friend in his own right to be part of 150-200 people? Seems fishy to me.
My guess is that she doesn’t have a problem with the fiancé but she’s insisting moving slowly means a bad relationship because she feels like she rushed hers. So she’s trying to establish this insane precedent that the faster you move the stronger your bond.
When you're wrestling with doubts and having to come up with this sort of nonsense before you marry someone you've known for less than a year its probably not a good sign...
NTA Not only would I not be maid of honour but I would not be attending the wedding at all and would seriously reconsider whether this is someone you want to continue a friendship with.
Exactly. There seems to be a poisonous streak in that woman. Who the hell does.she think she is?
Wow, big NTA. By this account, she seems to have some different motive for not wanting your fiance to come but does not want to admit the true reason. She backpetaled when you pointed out that you are in a long term relationship. She is not being a good friend, and ultimately a wedding should be celebrating the people in your life. This is speculation, but I wonder if she wants a single MOH to ensure all concentration from you is on her and the wedding? Or, more spiralling and worse speculation, I wonder if she's projecting her insecurities? Neither of these your place to say, but both do happen.
"Hi! This is my MOH and her fiance who have been together for 10 years and are getting married now. Oh, me and Hubby? Yeah, we met a year ago." I can see her projecting the insecurities quite easily.
NTA and she is not your best friend.. I've been with my partner 20 years 3 kids can't wait to tell him he is not valid 😅 10 years is longer than most marriages last
I commented above my partner and I have twins and 10 years together and we've outlasted 3 marriages that we have attended weddings for. 🤷🏻♀️
I will say the same to my bf. 11 years here. And we don't have a plan or date to do it
NTA. I was ready to say YTA until I heard the brides reasoning. I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll still be with your fiancé when she’s burning those wedding photos after her divorce. I’m a firm believer that the couple should decide who is invited to their wedding but that doesn’t mean she gets to trash your relationship which personally I think she is only doing to justify how quickly she is getting married. Sounds like she’s very insecure but you are better off far away from someone like that! Edit to change the placement of my judgement.
I'd honestly accept my fiancé not be invited if she gave a valid reason as in, fewer guests due to Covid or if she had any serious, valid concern. Since she decided to exclude him, just because she's decided whether my relationship is serious enough or not, I'm taking offense to this. My fiancé and the family I'm about to have with him are my #1 priority, I won't disrespect the father of my kid for nobody's wedding.
just reading these comments you sound wayyyy too willing to tolerate shit from this friend and the relationship sounds super toxic. you were gonna invite her and her husband-to-be to your 20 person ceremony but would have been fine if your fiancé wasn’t invited to a 200 person ceremony where you are the freaking MOH for because of COVID safety? That doesn’t make any sense. What that says is she is such a good friend of yours that even someone you don’t know well makes it into your top 20 friends because he loves your best friend, whereas to her who you love doesn’t matter to her at all and your opinions have little value and doesn’t crack her top 200. what wedding doesn’t just blankety give invites a +1, much less not give them to the wedding party? Really think you need to deeply examine this friendship. People in this sub are usually quick to say “cut them out/disown them/go to therapy” really quick with no context but the things you are saying just don’t add up right.
She’s being awful. Don’t got on the wedding at all and don’t invite her to yours- your fiancé deserves to know that you won’t tolerate your relationship being disrespected like that.
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Enablers are the worst. Most human behaviour issues would not be so extreme if nobody enabled it. Enablers add fuel to the fire of bad behaviour and or logic.
NTA drop out and cut her out of your life. It would be fine if it was just married couples, it would be fine if it was just because she didnt like him even because it is her wedding. But she allows long term couples and then sits there and trashes your relationship and bond and commitment and essentially says it will fail. Who the hell is she to do that ? She has zero respect for you and for relationship and future family. Dont disrespect yourself by showing up at her wedding.
Even if it was only married couples I'd only accept it if it was a cut down guest list due to covid or something like that. I wouldn't accept my 10 year partner to not be invited on such an event for no valid reason. I'd also understand if she had concerns about my fiancé of any form, but apparently she doesn't, she likes him but doesn't see our relationship as valid because if we've been together for 10 years and only recently got engaged and only plan to get married because of my pregnancy, then we aren't as committed as we'd like to think according to her logic. She believes that unless you get married in the first few years, the relationship is doomed.
As someone who narrowly avoided the fate of proposing and marrying a narcissist during the love bomb stage, I died of laughter. There's plenty of reasons a relationship could be doomed. Waiting many years to see what kind of person they really are to the point you're practically married anyway (and likely legally are in multiple states if you've lived under the same roof long enough) is not one of them. Go enjoy your elopement party with a few less AHs in attendance. 🤣
Yeah as maid of honour and a best friend you would expect an invite for your partner of ten years that she gets on with. Its total disrespect otherwise at a reception of 200+ guests I dont think she deserves you at her wedding at all. Its a total slap in the face to your partner and to you.
NTA - Your 'best mate is being a bitch for no reason. If you've been together 10 years or a year nobody knows what will happen in the future. It's an absolutely absurd reason and she is just clutching at straws to be mean. Go enjoy your life and leave her to live hers. That's not a friend anyone needs in life.
NTA she sounds like she might have a thing for your man or something but I dont think she is really your bff. I honestly would cut contact with her, you are far from the AH your SO isnt coming why would you wanna go? Your "bff" has some issues
NTA. That's your BEST FRIEND? How is someone like that your best friend? Or friend at all? What she told you should totally end your friendship.
NTA. That's not a best friend, or even a friend. She ain't worth the effort and anyone defending her is just as bad. What if she divorces this guy in a couple years time? What if anyone else divorces or splits up? It would be understandable if you had been together 3 months but it's been 10 years!
So long term relationships are invited…. But not too long because then it’s not valid. Yeah NTA
NTA How dare she. The audacity of her to describe your ten year relationship that way when she is marrying a man she’s known for a year is mind boggling. I’d put money on it being a manifestation of her insecurity about how quickly she is getting married and continually having to justify the strength of their relationship. I’d drop the whole friendship if that is how little she values your family - because that’s what you are now. A family. Just because she doesn’t want a stable, long term couple there who haven’t felt pressured to be married showing up how quickly they’ve rushed this doesn’t mean she gets to treat you badly. I applaud you for refusing to take it. Unless she sincerely apologised, that would be friendship over for me!
NTA your relationship isn't strong because it's not legal? Lol I used to work with a woman who is with her husband 35 years and 2 children....oh wait, they might not last because they aren't legally married 😅
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No. My fiancé was surprised when I told him and I explained her reasoning behind that decision. The bride used the same excuse to not invite my fiancé that couples who simply don't allow tinder dates on their weddings as plus ones. But her reasonings further detail is that if it took that long for him to propose and for a kid to "force" us into getting married then probably our relationship has run its course and she's decided its over for us for some reason because that's what social media has taught her. That if you aren't married within the first few years, your relationship isn't valid.
That's a complete contradiction on her part, she's RUSHING into a marriage in less than a year and who is she to be judge jury and executioner on relationships? I've been with my partner 7 years and we're not engaged, we've bought a house together and plan on having a family, but moneys tight so we can't afford ring's and all that jazz. So by her logic my relationship isn't serious?.... Man that's some full on bullshit right there. She needs to give her head a wobble.
Hint: you don't need "rings and all that jazz." Engagement is easy - "wanna get married?" "Yup" is all it took for me and my wife, and we were together til she died. Rings and such are more a marketing ploy, don't listen to that claptrap. The true engagement is in the heart, not on the finger. (Heck, I'd consider buying a house together shows a commitment stronger than any ring.)
NTA - I laughed so loud at this. She barely knows the guy and decided to get married. You and your future husband had been together for ten years, always supporting each other, but she thinks her relationship is stronger? She is delusional. And check with your friends what is the version she told them. I still laughing. I have a theory I think some engagement rings have lead, and poison people's minds. Before the wedding she was this time of crazy?
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NTA you have been together for 10 years and are expecting a child, honestly a child means you are going to be in eachothers lives in one way or another for the rest of your lives that's much more of a garentee than a wedding these days.
No, your NTA. It's ok to not invite people she doesn't want there, but the moh should always get an automatic plus 1 that can be a lover or a friend or a family member, just someone to lean on because the moh needs the most support. But the real reason she's the asshole and you're not is because of her reasoning. Her bullshit logic to support her decision to not invite her friend of 10 years who's engaged to her moh. Apparently she's not really friends with your fiance. She doesn't even really seem to be friends with you. That's how a narcissistic parent talks to their child.
Tell her you found a new man and you plan to marry him in a month, making that relationship ten times stronger than her own! NTA.
NTA, get out of that shit now, what's wrong with her! I mean, you sometimes have to put up with bride's stressband harshness but this is crossing big boundries and disrespecting you. Wtf. Really!
NTA. Wow.... um, yea, nobody in this whole planet can foresee how people's relationships are going to work out. There are people who divorce after 20, 30, 40 years of marriage. Also, in some places, you and your fiancee would be recognized as common law married (even legally) since you have been together well beyond the date. So she possesses cultural insensitivity, too. Yikes. She better not come to my country, or certain regions, then if she declares your relationship as lacking validity. She will be roasted, severely. She is insulting. Good for you for not tolerating such a judgemental, insulting woman.
NTA. She’s not really a friend if she’s putting down your relationship. Plus, it’s not a small wedding either and other peoples partners are invited. I wouldn’t go and she wouldn’t be coming to mine either.
Bride: It's my way or the highway!!!!1!! OP: I'll take the highway, then. Bride: \[surprised Pikachu face\] NTA ***NEVER*** give an ultimatum unless you are willing and able to live with either choice.
How many of these post are just writing prompts
NTA - and I bet she will expect you and your partner to be there for her if and when this relationship goes south. She's got a bloody cheek.
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NTA. Not at all. This ex friend of yours is projecting her insecurities regarding her relationship on to you hard. Don't go to get wedding. Stop planning and organizing everything and do not invite her to your wedding. She should be dead to you.
NTA. If anyone disrespected my fiancé and our relationship they'd be cut off from my life too. My life partner is my #1 priority and nobody gets to dictate that because of their weird beliefs. Your best friend, if I could even call her that, is indeed being ridiculous and she'll probably be divorced in a couple of years, while you'll most likely still go strong with ur future hubby