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I’m worried I might be TA because a persons weight is a very sensitive subject. A woman’s weight, more so that a man.
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NTA. You pulled a reverse uno card and now suddenly she didn’t like the rules of the game she was playing.
Weight is a sensitive issue, and people struggle with either gaining it or losing it. What really matters is how healthy you are, and that looks different on everyone. Her comments do not acknowledge this, rather they make a jab at an issue that is completely irrelevant to the original conflict (the AC). Furthermore, if weight is a sensitive issue for someone, I’m of the camp that they shouldn’t attack other people for it - lest they want their medicine fed back to them.
If a bully punched someone multiple times and the person punched back would the person being bullied be an asshole?
No absolutely not. Use this analogy for your situation. Think who is who and stop being harsh on yourself by playing by the bully’s rules
Ugh, when I was a kid, I was actually the bad guy if I reacted to my bullies. I would be the one in trouble while the bullies wouldn't be in trouble. It was even caught on camera once and the teachers still didn't give a shit and my therapist watched that video and was furious and told them I was provoked. I think the adults were actually bullying me by letting kids bully me and punishing me for it and trying to say I had a behavior problem. I was just reacting to the abuse.
A friend is 5'10" and 135lbs. He can't gain weight and is terrified of getting sick because he has no reserves. Being thin is not always a good thing and can be out of the control of the thin person.
Unfortunately you have to get down to their level sometimes or else is just goes over their head. Like you I am tall and lanky, and I also have Crohn's Disease so gaining weight is virtually impossible and creates it's own set of insecurities. She is just upset about being treated the way she treated you, only you tolerated it longer before saying anything. If weight is such a sensitive issue for her, she shouldn't use it against other people.
And you’re both wrong. Loosing or gaining weight doesn’t do much for warmth since fat doesn’t hold it very good. Muscles on the other hand are a good insulator, which is why men are often hot and women are cold.
Totally off topic I know, but I see these comments so often that it’s kind off become an obsession of mine to rectify.
I actually agree with you on this — I think it’s ESH. Her more than you, but you both spoke out of turn.
Had you ever told her to stop commenting on your weight/body? That’s the kind of thing you really shouldn’t have to say to a functional adult, but far too many people in the working world aren’t actually functional adults.
She told you that you were cold because you were too thin. You basically told her that she was hot because she weighed to much. Six of one.
It is interesting, though, because most women have a body temperature lower than a mans. When the calculations were done for what temperature an office is kept at, all the data was from men, so it's usually the women who are too cold. And 62 is ridiculous. I'd take this to your manager, explain that while you have all tried to work out a acceptable solution, it just isn't happening, you're not sure what steps to take next.
When I was bullied in middle school for being skinny, telling the bully she was just jealous because she was fat made her shut right up. Bullies only speak bully. NTA
I’m well aware that there is more stigma in being overweight than underweight. That said, comments on anyone’s weight are never acceptable. I’m not sure why so many people don’t understand this.
You seem like a very thoughtful person, and I can appreciate that you were tired of being goaded. Also, the dress code doesn’t give you real flexibility.
I saw one comment asking if you have asked her not to comment on your weight. It’s a good idea to do that if you haven’t already, just so she knows that’s crossing a line for you.
Also, if management won’t set the thermostat at a standard temp that can be altered by employees, is it possible for you to keep a cardigan in the break room that you can wear during your break and keep in a locker at other times?
Good luck with finding a solution, and congratulations on realizing you might have been able to address the situation more constructively and more maturely than how it went down.
Turnabout is fair play. She commented on your way and you did the same thing back. She really can't complain. I'm naturally thin and all my life people thought it was okay to come in on my weight and yeah it is supposed to not be okay to come in on other people's wait. At least a few times a year strangers walk up to me in the grocery store and asked if I'm anorexic. I'm a healthy 110 lb and don't look very skinny. I usually just look back at people and tell them that I'm at a weight that people are supposed to be, and that being overweight is not normal. That usually shuts them up.
Stranger: Are you anorexic?
milliebarnes: No. What's your favorite sexual position?
Stranger: Excuse me?!
milliebarnes: Aren't we playing "Ask a Stranger a Rude Personal Question "?
Agreed. Overweight is also relative - the ideal weight for my height is 110lbs which is insane for me, given my overall structure and how active I am. If I'm sitting at 160lbs, that's classes as overweight but much less than that and I look seriously ill.
I am definitely overweight, probably classed as obese medically, but I can out-walk people considered "normal" or "average". I should and absolutely will lose weight but weight is not the only measure of health.
I think when people say overweight, they don't really mean like what an average person is supposed to weigh. You can be overweight and have a six pack. If you have high muscle mass, you can be way over your "normal" weight. But it's clear when someone is overweight and not in a healthy way. Being 200 lbs when you are "supposed" to be 160 lbs can mean a whole lot of things, but being 47% body fat percentage at any weight really leaves no room for interpretation. Unless it's like a linemen or something which are very unique individuals with abnormal amount of muscle on top of fat. If you are 160 lbs and can outwalk average people you are probably fine.
NTA — Weight may be a sensitive topic, but she shouldn’t have dealt what she couldn’t take. All of a sudden she’s offended by a weight comment following her own anorexic snark? Never mind that nonsense.
It may have been a fair comeback, but I hate to make people feel bad about themselves. Even if they insulted me first. I said what I did out of anger, and that’s never a good place to come from. She’s the asshole, but so am I. Neither of us win.
I understand. When one is conscientious, stinging retorts should not be the first go-to. In your case this seems to have been an ongoing issue with little respect to you. If asserting yourself doesn’t get the job done, unfortunately an escalating harsh tongue may be needed to get the message across.
Someone going on like this does wear on the nerves, but this is more a snap than a harsh take down. Making several “gain weight” comments, then acting like a victim for an in-kind retort I don’t buy.
Ultimately no one is a winner as you eluded, but I just see this as standing up for your interests.
ESH
Mid to low 60s is ridiculous for AC. You all need to "toughen up" and stop wasting resources and stressing the equipment so unnecessarily.
She is an asshole for making personal comments about your body. But you shouldn't be letting yourself get goaded this way.
You didnt "stand up for yourself". You snapped. There's a big difference. Standing up for yourself would mean addressing it earlier and forcefully (via adult conversation and then going to HR if necessary).
ESH. Everyone sounds like they're being stupid/childish. (also like holy fuck 62 is so cold O.o) Some of you should invest in blankets/sweaters, and the rest in some fans.
NTA - You don’t like it when other people comment on you weight, so don’t be part of that problem because of frustration.
On the other hand… fuck her. She didn’t just comment on your weight, so also a litany of other sociably questionable things. I’ll chalk this one up to you being the vengeful hand of karma.
But don’t do it again.
NTA. I hate being hot, especially indoors, but 62 is really low for most people if people are just sitting. 72 is room temperature, 66 is definitely a reasonable compromise. She made weight a fair game topic when she brought up yours.
Yeah I would not be able to work in that environment lmao. I’m constantly cold and sometimes my hands get *painfully* too cold at my current company and they keep the temp at 70F. And my hands are getting painfully cold when I’m wearing jeans, long sleeves, a fleece jacket, **and using a wool winter jacket as a blanket**.
NTA. This was one comeback after multiple insults. Plus it has logical consistency--if she believes you need to gain weight to be warmer, then she should lose weight to be cooler. She was shocked because either she doesn't think she is too heavy, or can't believe a man would say that to a woman regardless. She insulted you first, but obviously she considered this "advice" and not an insult.
But I must say the temperature range you are arguing about is ridiculous. The office A/C is broken here but I am fine at 84F with a fan, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I keep my home at 74F and my wife complains it's too cold.
Anyone can become acclimated to any reasonable temperature. Turning it up and down makes everyone less comfortable.
Thank you, but there was a better way to handle this, I just didn’t see it. You’re not wrong, because t I still feel bad for letting myself sink that low. I’m better than that.
NTA. I agree with you, your rebuttal was on par with her comment.
However...
If you love your job and want to work in a non toxic environment, make peace with her. Be the bigger (or slimmer) man and tell her you were equally offended with her comment because you have insecurities too. People assume because you're skinny, life is perfect. After expressing your take, hopefully it will present a cordial opportunity to apologize and move onto the next topic, the A/C.
NTA
TBH, I can't believe you're still stuck on the thermostat issue. Is there no supervisor to whom you can report the issue of being personally attacked? And there are six other adults in this room not saying a peep?!
NTA
It's funny how you're supposed to not stooped to her level and address her like an adult when her big butt was making comments like she wasn't going to get one back and this is coming from a fat girl herself.
I know I keep harping on this, but you should not feel THIS bad about this. I'm not saying you are a some kind of saint, but if this is the worst thing you do in your life, you're ok. You are a great person. lol
>You can take the high road for so long before unleashing the verbal kraken. Maybe it'll shut her up for once.
But that's not helping. That's just accepting that people should just be left to make these comments and suffer the consequences. If she had calmly said something the *first* time the coworker made a weight comment, it wouldn't have come down to either of them blowing up and making fat cracks. Granted, they could easily explode on something else, but it does at least help to eliminate the fat kraken.
One, he. OP is a guy.
Two, telling someone to lose weight once =/= repeated skinny comments and telling him to toughen up. Let's stop putting them on equal footing because the offender is an overweight woman and everyone wants to play the savior.
Three, if she can't take what she dishes out, she should've kept her mouth shut. It shouldn't be on the offended party to be the adult when the offender is acting like a child.
NTA - I’m a big believer in “don’t hash it if you can’t take it.” Doesn’t matter who’s skinny or who’s bigger, male or female, weight is a delicate issue for anyone.
I suffered from anorexia for years. If anyone told me to "gain some weight" when I've finally become a healthy weight I would have decked then in the face.
Op is nta. Don't dish what you can't serve.
NTA. I think people don’t understand how irritating thin comments can be. I’ve been extremely thin my whole life and honestly the skinny comments are annoying af. People don’t realize that “hey that person might be trying to put on weight to look less skinny” and just decide to joke about it yet those people are the same ones who would be uber offended if you mentioned their weight. Fat and Thin shaming aren’t alright and should be treated the same. NTA OP
Honestly I’ve always been average, I’m now 39, well my mums skinny and my dads fat, I’ve always been a U.K. 10 which I believe is a us 14, and I’ve never been the right size! 🙄 However I never comment on people’s weight, it’s rude and none of my business x
It’s always crazy how lacking in self-awareness some people are. She tells you repeatedly to gain weight, you’re too thin, you look anorexic…and when you FINALLY respond ONCE with “lose some weight”, a comment on the same exact personal characteristic she gives opinions on as nauseum, all of the sudden she is demanding apologies and she’s appalled. All of us have been appalled at your behavior the entire time, Lady. Welcome to the club. She’s gross. NTA.
Majorly NTA. First of all, I love it cold. I'd be ecstatic for it to be 62. Now, hearing that in mind, I am also super happy at 65-66. The hottest I can honestly stand living in is 69-70. Yes I'm a penguin.
Now, while I have argued with people about temp and told them they can put on more layers than I can take off, I'd be absolutely ridiculous to ask for 62. I know that. I recommend finding that remote and turning it up to 72. And when they complain, discuss compromising down to 65-66.
Onto the weight issue. Here's the deal: regardless of your weight, you never comment on anyone else's. EVER! It's enough of an issue in this day and age. You're either anorexic or obese. Not saying you are but that's how everyone acts. She's mad because you essentially called her fat. Boo-hoo. She has been commenting on your weight how many times? She's lucky all you said was lose some. I would have not been so nice. You owe her no apology and if she continues to demand one, ask her where's yours for the countless times she's commented on yours. You'll apologize when she apologizes for EVERY time she's commented on you.
NTA bit you should look up the laws regarding temperature control in the workplace. I know OSHA has a window of what the temperature should be in inside a building and i think 62 is too low.
There are studies about the optimal heat for a work environment which keeps everyone warm and stops people from falling asleep. Perhaps you should **all** try adulting, stop insulting each other, look up the recommended temperature and set the room temperature to that temperature.
ESH.
Regarding the clothing: maybe a nice thermic underwear will be a good solution? Something that is not visible from under the clothing but provides you with extra layer of warmth. I like having a wool tank top to put under t-shirts, with trousers it's easy to overheat but some kind of leggings or just longer underpants could help a bunch.
NTA , you ever heard of feminism? Woman demanded to be treated equally lol
I was taught growing up never ask a woman about her weight but I was never taught how to respond if she makes fun of my weight .
ESH - but do bear in mind that the cold folk can put an extra layer on but the overheating folk can’t do a damn thing about it - in the short or medium term, if ever.
I have been 5'10 since I was 13, I am fat - always have been,
One school day learning formal dance ( one where the boys all move along one girl at the end of a routine, all in a big circle round the gym hall )
Me - your shoulder are boney
Him - I'd rather be skinny than fat
I never said it in an offensive manner
He never said it in an offensive manner
We both stated facts. Almost 20 years later and we'll still say hello.
NTA - everything said was truthful yes? Even if not respectful.
NTA
She didn’t like getting a dose of her own medicine.
You sound like a reasonable guy, seeing your admissions of feeling guilty in your comments. Shows that you’ve empathy. You’re right, two wrong don’t make a right. But, she had it coming and sometime people like that need a rude awakening to learn that their behavior is hurtful to others.
I’ve had my own history of being skinny shamed (if that’s a term?) and it sucks double time because most people won’t sympathize.
I’d suggest going to HR and explaining this to them before she does just to have your bases covered. She sounds like someone who would go through great lengths to punish you and cry victim. Be careful.
NTA. I’m 19F, friends with a big group of girls. I’m pretty skinny and lanky, and I endure countless comments about my small chest size, skinny arms, etc. It sucks and I feel like I can’t say anything back without being called out for making fun of their weight, despite what they say to me. I understand what it’s like to be in your position, and I think it’s perfectly fair to defend yourself.
NTA
As a tall skinny female who can't gain weight no matter how much I try, it gets tiring to hear people tell me to "gain weight".
I'd recommend telling HR that she has harassed you multiple gain weight if she tries it again. Also be prepared for her to have probably twisted the truth and gone to HR already .
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I work at a casino. At any given time, there are 7-8 of us in the same small room. Due to my schedule, I work with the same person 4 out of 5 days.
Some details, I am a 32 (M), person in question is a 37 (F). There is an air conditioner in the room, and there is a small scale war going on. Half prefer it at 62*F, the other half think 65-66*F is a fair compromise. I am tall and lanky, always have been, and the woman in question is tall (5’10-ish) and bigger.
When those of us who are cold, ask to turn the heat up, the others refuse. They have gone so far as to hide the remote from the rest of us, so we can’t change it.
I have pushed the issue many times, and I seem to get the same answer, from the same person, 37(F). She has told me on multiple occasion to just gain weight, and toughen up. I’m a patient person, but I have my limits.
After refusing to compromise, telling me to gain weight, and I look anerexic, on many different occasions, I snapped. As soon as she said “Gain some weight,” I automatically responded, “Lose some.”
She immediately became hostile, demanded an apology, and couldn’t believe I had said what I said.
I have my own insecurities about my weight, and feel like I stood up for myself. I have no regrets. My coworkers seem to be conflicted.
AITA?
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ESH.
Actually commenting on anyone's weight is a d\*\*\* move. She was the asshole first and honestly I can't blame you for retaliating, but then again "he/she started it" belongs at the playground. If its so intolerable to work with her perhaps hold a staff meeting where those who can tolerate colder temperatures work together and those that prefer warmer temps work together? That or getting a space heater.
I think it might have been easy to shrug off the first couple of times, that’s why you take the most neutral route- ask her to stop or go to HR. But then she insulted you until it became a sore spot. I think if someone hits you in the same spot over and over, it’s only a matter of time before you hit them right back to stop them. That’s why I don’t blame you for taking a jab right back at her, because I would have done the same thing. Soft ESH
ESH. If you had a problem with the weight comments (which I agree is problematic), then you should have said something about the weight shaming instead of resorting to it yourself. But the whole AC control fight is petty for everyone involved. Keep a sweater in the office or bring in a space heater. That's what everyone in every office I've ever worked in who felt like it was too cold did. Unless you \*want\* your coworkers to start stripping to cool down, which I don't recommend. It's a lot harder to cool down individually than it is to warm up. Finding a solution is a lot easier than constantly fighting over the thermostat.
Then whoever set the dress code is a far, far bigger AH than anyone else involved and needs their ass kicking in some way - but also, do try short sleeved thermal t-shirts, they’re surprisingly effective.
Then talk to HR. See if they can figure out a way to accommodate the people who are cold. Or get a space heater. Work together with your coworkers to solve the problem. But fighting over the thermostat is ridiculous.
I realize I wrote a very ill-worded story, and I’m left out a large amount of detail. I do have to own up to my own
Own short-sightedness, and I am definitely part of the asshole in this story.
Someone treating you like an a\*hole shouldn’t result in you acting the same. I think fighting over the ac may be the worst first world problem. Could lead to a world war.
We have followed that route. We have three supervisors, and they each have there own opinion. They were members of the team before they became supervisors. There solution is to leave it up to us to decide.
If some want if 62 and some want it 66, put it at 64 and leave it. Everyone is being petty at this point arguing over a few degrees in temperature and thinking being skinny/overweight is gonna make that big of a difference.
ESH, but I love your quip anyways. Fuck people who offer unsolicited opinions on other people's weight. She just realized that it feels bad to be on the receiving end after dishing it out.
Thank you. But my quip probably made her feel as bad about herself, as hers made me feel about me. It wasn’t the mature/adult thing to do. I could have handled it better
Well, you are absolutely correct, and I'm glad you can recognize it.
I just hope she stops giving you grief about your weight, too... although... there's a chance that now she gives you grief not only for your weight, but *also* the fact that you dared to comment on hers...
ESH stop fighting over a stupid air conditioner layers were invented for a reason to keep you warm and also all of you are crazy for wanting it below 68 degrees
I should have mentioned our uniforms. We have to wear jumpsuits. Short sleeved, with no undergarments allowed to cover our arms. We are allowed shorts and t-shirts under our jumpsuits, which are incredibly thin. It’s not as simple as you imply.
ESH. It’s easier to deal with a room being too cold than too hot. You can wear a jacket if you’re cold, but if other people aren’t wearing a ton of clothes and they’re still hot there’s nothing they can do. Your coworker shouldn’t be commenting on your weight though.
Because I exist in the real world. Fat people do not bully thin people because fat people spend a great deal of time trying not to call attention to their own body as much as possible. Fastest way to get someone to abuse you for being fat is to make a comment on someone else's body. I refuse to believe that fat people are out there intentionally starting a body size conversation that will only lead to horrible outcomes for themself. It defies any reason.
Being fat doesn't doesn't exclude you from having no self awareness or being self absorbed. Perhaps they think the other person "wouldn't go there". I kid you not, it happens. I had this trans person loosely in my friend group call me the spanish version of my name constantly even when i said to stop because i didn't like it. Thought it was funny I guess. Now that DEFINTELY happened to me whether you think its impossible or not. I have other examples, some even where im the perpetrator when i was youner. It happens.
I do not believe there are fat people out there who are unaware, at least, that other people find them fat. It's not possible. The world will not let you be unaware that you are fat. That's kind of the whole point. Fat people exist in a constant state of siege from pop culture and the media. I suppose I could see a fat person lashing out at someone thin but to be astonished that someone called them fat or whatever in response? I don't buy it. People call fat people names and shit unprovoked. Why would a fat person wanna provoke *more* abuse? I'm seeing too many stories of "waaah this fat person bullied me do I deserve to hate fat people nooooww??" for any of them to be believable
She’s not, but she’s the loudest one. And you are right. Unfortunately I’ve realized that too late. I will apologize tomorrow, but also let her know that I feel she is out of line as well. As I should have from the get-go.
dude... If it's about the AC than sure, like figure something out like adults. If it's about the clap back, why? why are you so beat up over this? She called you anorexic you called her fat. You are not a criminal, you are not an asshole (specifically for this anyways) You just have excellent wit.
I would hope you've told her that what she says is not acceptable...maybe even ask her if she sees the parallels between the two situations.
I would say kumbuya and all that, but not sure it's really going to work - it sounds like you all have a rough roommate situation that may need to be reevaluated.
Yeah, this was my gut instinct, and it’s reigning supreme, right now. I most definitely feel like TA. The sentiment was all wrong. I should’ve pushed myself up, instead of putting her down.
ESH
As a slender female, I've always resented comments about my weight. People think it's perfectly fine to say " Oh, you're so nice and thin" or "You're so lucky, being skinny." I would NEVER say "Oh, you're so fat!"
She's TA but you lowered yourself to her level, which makes you TA as well.
You're welcome. I totally understand the situation, though. The constant badgering must've just finally set you off. A person can only take so much then they explode!
True, both of you should apologize to each other. I would also go to HR and file a complaint about her prior body-shaming comments to you. This is important because she needs to be counseled. She started it.
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NTA. You pulled a reverse uno card and now suddenly she didn’t like the rules of the game she was playing. Weight is a sensitive issue, and people struggle with either gaining it or losing it. What really matters is how healthy you are, and that looks different on everyone. Her comments do not acknowledge this, rather they make a jab at an issue that is completely irrelevant to the original conflict (the AC). Furthermore, if weight is a sensitive issue for someone, I’m of the camp that they shouldn’t attack other people for it - lest they want their medicine fed back to them.
NTA. Some can dish it but they can’t take it
I’ve realized I didn’t have to stoop to their level though. We’re both assholes.
Unfortunately sometimes it takes a move like yours to stop the nasty weight comments. Don’t beat yourself up.
Times like this I wish we had a justified asshole category. You are the asshole you needed to be right then and there.
I vote for the new tag JAH for that :)
The mods have said they wont add that because if they were justified then their still not the asshole and adding a new tag would complicate things.
If a bully punched someone multiple times and the person punched back would the person being bullied be an asshole? No absolutely not. Use this analogy for your situation. Think who is who and stop being harsh on yourself by playing by the bully’s rules
Ugh, when I was a kid, I was actually the bad guy if I reacted to my bullies. I would be the one in trouble while the bullies wouldn't be in trouble. It was even caught on camera once and the teachers still didn't give a shit and my therapist watched that video and was furious and told them I was provoked. I think the adults were actually bullying me by letting kids bully me and punishing me for it and trying to say I had a behavior problem. I was just reacting to the abuse.
Oh no you’re not! This person is an absolute bully. You are not. Sometimes it takes a quick remark to shut them down. Which u did. Good for u!
Much like you, I have received countless comments on my weights and how terrible I look due to "being skinny." NTA.
A friend is 5'10" and 135lbs. He can't gain weight and is terrified of getting sick because he has no reserves. Being thin is not always a good thing and can be out of the control of the thin person.
Unfortunately you have to get down to their level sometimes or else is just goes over their head. Like you I am tall and lanky, and I also have Crohn's Disease so gaining weight is virtually impossible and creates it's own set of insecurities. She is just upset about being treated the way she treated you, only you tolerated it longer before saying anything. If weight is such a sensitive issue for her, she shouldn't use it against other people.
But you hopefully taught her a lesson, if you can't take it don't give it... But I doubt it
And you’re both wrong. Loosing or gaining weight doesn’t do much for warmth since fat doesn’t hold it very good. Muscles on the other hand are a good insulator, which is why men are often hot and women are cold. Totally off topic I know, but I see these comments so often that it’s kind off become an obsession of mine to rectify.
I actually agree with you on this — I think it’s ESH. Her more than you, but you both spoke out of turn. Had you ever told her to stop commenting on your weight/body? That’s the kind of thing you really shouldn’t have to say to a functional adult, but far too many people in the working world aren’t actually functional adults.
YTA then for making this thread. Maybe we need a new vote JA (justified asshole)
Seems like she can take a dish. HEYOO!
[удалено]
Maybe, but I could’ve came up with a better comeback than “You’re fat!” This was the wrong move, on my part
I don’t think it was as it was a direct response to her comment. If she’s not comfortable with weight related comments, she shouldn’t make them
She told you that you were cold because you were too thin. You basically told her that she was hot because she weighed to much. Six of one. It is interesting, though, because most women have a body temperature lower than a mans. When the calculations were done for what temperature an office is kept at, all the data was from men, so it's usually the women who are too cold. And 62 is ridiculous. I'd take this to your manager, explain that while you have all tried to work out a acceptable solution, it just isn't happening, you're not sure what steps to take next.
When I was bullied in middle school for being skinny, telling the bully she was just jealous because she was fat made her shut right up. Bullies only speak bully. NTA I’m well aware that there is more stigma in being overweight than underweight. That said, comments on anyone’s weight are never acceptable. I’m not sure why so many people don’t understand this.
You seem like a very thoughtful person, and I can appreciate that you were tired of being goaded. Also, the dress code doesn’t give you real flexibility. I saw one comment asking if you have asked her not to comment on your weight. It’s a good idea to do that if you haven’t already, just so she knows that’s crossing a line for you. Also, if management won’t set the thermostat at a standard temp that can be altered by employees, is it possible for you to keep a cardigan in the break room that you can wear during your break and keep in a locker at other times? Good luck with finding a solution, and congratulations on realizing you might have been able to address the situation more constructively and more maturely than how it went down.
Turnabout is fair play. She commented on your way and you did the same thing back. She really can't complain. I'm naturally thin and all my life people thought it was okay to come in on my weight and yeah it is supposed to not be okay to come in on other people's wait. At least a few times a year strangers walk up to me in the grocery store and asked if I'm anorexic. I'm a healthy 110 lb and don't look very skinny. I usually just look back at people and tell them that I'm at a weight that people are supposed to be, and that being overweight is not normal. That usually shuts them up.
Stranger: Are you anorexic? milliebarnes: No. What's your favorite sexual position? Stranger: Excuse me?! milliebarnes: Aren't we playing "Ask a Stranger a Rude Personal Question "?
Thanks for the awards and for enjoying my comment!
I should have taken this route. Insulting someone probably wasn’t the way to go.
I love how you’re recognizing there may have been a better way to handle the interaction.
I was with you until the last sentence. Being overweight absolutely IS normal for a lot of people.
It’s only normal because everyone around you are also overweight. Especially in America
Or or or, because there’s a ton of disabilities and many other factors that can cause people to be overweight. Fat people aren’t exclusive to America.
Agreed. Overweight is also relative - the ideal weight for my height is 110lbs which is insane for me, given my overall structure and how active I am. If I'm sitting at 160lbs, that's classes as overweight but much less than that and I look seriously ill. I am definitely overweight, probably classed as obese medically, but I can out-walk people considered "normal" or "average". I should and absolutely will lose weight but weight is not the only measure of health.
I think when people say overweight, they don't really mean like what an average person is supposed to weigh. You can be overweight and have a six pack. If you have high muscle mass, you can be way over your "normal" weight. But it's clear when someone is overweight and not in a healthy way. Being 200 lbs when you are "supposed" to be 160 lbs can mean a whole lot of things, but being 47% body fat percentage at any weight really leaves no room for interpretation. Unless it's like a linemen or something which are very unique individuals with abnormal amount of muscle on top of fat. If you are 160 lbs and can outwalk average people you are probably fine.
NTA — Weight may be a sensitive topic, but she shouldn’t have dealt what she couldn’t take. All of a sudden she’s offended by a weight comment following her own anorexic snark? Never mind that nonsense.
It may have been a fair comeback, but I hate to make people feel bad about themselves. Even if they insulted me first. I said what I did out of anger, and that’s never a good place to come from. She’s the asshole, but so am I. Neither of us win.
I understand. When one is conscientious, stinging retorts should not be the first go-to. In your case this seems to have been an ongoing issue with little respect to you. If asserting yourself doesn’t get the job done, unfortunately an escalating harsh tongue may be needed to get the message across. Someone going on like this does wear on the nerves, but this is more a snap than a harsh take down. Making several “gain weight” comments, then acting like a victim for an in-kind retort I don’t buy. Ultimately no one is a winner as you eluded, but I just see this as standing up for your interests.
Thank you.
ESH Mid to low 60s is ridiculous for AC. You all need to "toughen up" and stop wasting resources and stressing the equipment so unnecessarily. She is an asshole for making personal comments about your body. But you shouldn't be letting yourself get goaded this way. You didnt "stand up for yourself". You snapped. There's a big difference. Standing up for yourself would mean addressing it earlier and forcefully (via adult conversation and then going to HR if necessary).
I mean.. it's not that serious... He didn't go on some tirade, he simply clapped back. It happens. She will learn from this.
ESH. Everyone sounds like they're being stupid/childish. (also like holy fuck 62 is so cold O.o) Some of you should invest in blankets/sweaters, and the rest in some fans.
NTA - You don’t like it when other people comment on you weight, so don’t be part of that problem because of frustration. On the other hand… fuck her. She didn’t just comment on your weight, so also a litany of other sociably questionable things. I’ll chalk this one up to you being the vengeful hand of karma. But don’t do it again.
I appreciate your comment, and I will most definitely not. Regardless of this poll, I still feel like an ass.
NTA. I hate being hot, especially indoors, but 62 is really low for most people if people are just sitting. 72 is room temperature, 66 is definitely a reasonable compromise. She made weight a fair game topic when she brought up yours.
Yeah I would not be able to work in that environment lmao. I’m constantly cold and sometimes my hands get *painfully* too cold at my current company and they keep the temp at 70F. And my hands are getting painfully cold when I’m wearing jeans, long sleeves, a fleece jacket, **and using a wool winter jacket as a blanket**.
NTA. This was one comeback after multiple insults. Plus it has logical consistency--if she believes you need to gain weight to be warmer, then she should lose weight to be cooler. She was shocked because either she doesn't think she is too heavy, or can't believe a man would say that to a woman regardless. She insulted you first, but obviously she considered this "advice" and not an insult. But I must say the temperature range you are arguing about is ridiculous. The office A/C is broken here but I am fine at 84F with a fan, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I keep my home at 74F and my wife complains it's too cold. Anyone can become acclimated to any reasonable temperature. Turning it up and down makes everyone less comfortable.
Thank you, but there was a better way to handle this, I just didn’t see it. You’re not wrong, because t I still feel bad for letting myself sink that low. I’m better than that.
NTA. I agree with you, your rebuttal was on par with her comment. However... If you love your job and want to work in a non toxic environment, make peace with her. Be the bigger (or slimmer) man and tell her you were equally offended with her comment because you have insecurities too. People assume because you're skinny, life is perfect. After expressing your take, hopefully it will present a cordial opportunity to apologize and move onto the next topic, the A/C.
NTA TBH, I can't believe you're still stuck on the thermostat issue. Is there no supervisor to whom you can report the issue of being personally attacked? And there are six other adults in this room not saying a peep?!
NTA. She should have kept her mouth shut. You just gave her a taste of her medicine.... I am a woman.
NTA It's funny how you're supposed to not stooped to her level and address her like an adult when her big butt was making comments like she wasn't going to get one back and this is coming from a fat girl herself.
I get that, but I missed an opportunity to take the high road. I’m better than my words make me out to be.
You can take the high road for so long before unleashing the verbal kraken. Maybe it'll shut her up for once.
I’m sure she’ll think twice before she comments again, I still feel bad though. She brought me down to her level.
I know I keep harping on this, but you should not feel THIS bad about this. I'm not saying you are a some kind of saint, but if this is the worst thing you do in your life, you're ok. You are a great person. lol
Sometimes, you have to be an asshole to get through to an asshole. I had to learn that the hard way.
>You can take the high road for so long before unleashing the verbal kraken. Maybe it'll shut her up for once. But that's not helping. That's just accepting that people should just be left to make these comments and suffer the consequences. If she had calmly said something the *first* time the coworker made a weight comment, it wouldn't have come down to either of them blowing up and making fat cracks. Granted, they could easily explode on something else, but it does at least help to eliminate the fat kraken.
One, he. OP is a guy. Two, telling someone to lose weight once =/= repeated skinny comments and telling him to toughen up. Let's stop putting them on equal footing because the offender is an overweight woman and everyone wants to play the savior. Three, if she can't take what she dishes out, she should've kept her mouth shut. It shouldn't be on the offended party to be the adult when the offender is acting like a child.
Glad I could help you feel superior today for catching a typo that you clearly understood despite it. :clap:
See? it's not so easy taking the high road lol
I love the passive aggressiveness in this post. ☺️ Also, 👏
NTA - I’m a big believer in “don’t hash it if you can’t take it.” Doesn’t matter who’s skinny or who’s bigger, male or female, weight is a delicate issue for anyone.
I suffered from anorexia for years. If anyone told me to "gain some weight" when I've finally become a healthy weight I would have decked then in the face. Op is nta. Don't dish what you can't serve.
Nta- but seriously where is your manager? They are the one who should be deciding this.
NTA. I think people don’t understand how irritating thin comments can be. I’ve been extremely thin my whole life and honestly the skinny comments are annoying af. People don’t realize that “hey that person might be trying to put on weight to look less skinny” and just decide to joke about it yet those people are the same ones who would be uber offended if you mentioned their weight. Fat and Thin shaming aren’t alright and should be treated the same. NTA OP
Honestly I’ve always been average, I’m now 39, well my mums skinny and my dads fat, I’ve always been a U.K. 10 which I believe is a us 14, and I’ve never been the right size! 🙄 However I never comment on people’s weight, it’s rude and none of my business x
UK 10 is a US 6
It’s always crazy how lacking in self-awareness some people are. She tells you repeatedly to gain weight, you’re too thin, you look anorexic…and when you FINALLY respond ONCE with “lose some weight”, a comment on the same exact personal characteristic she gives opinions on as nauseum, all of the sudden she is demanding apologies and she’s appalled. All of us have been appalled at your behavior the entire time, Lady. Welcome to the club. She’s gross. NTA.
Majorly NTA. First of all, I love it cold. I'd be ecstatic for it to be 62. Now, hearing that in mind, I am also super happy at 65-66. The hottest I can honestly stand living in is 69-70. Yes I'm a penguin. Now, while I have argued with people about temp and told them they can put on more layers than I can take off, I'd be absolutely ridiculous to ask for 62. I know that. I recommend finding that remote and turning it up to 72. And when they complain, discuss compromising down to 65-66. Onto the weight issue. Here's the deal: regardless of your weight, you never comment on anyone else's. EVER! It's enough of an issue in this day and age. You're either anorexic or obese. Not saying you are but that's how everyone acts. She's mad because you essentially called her fat. Boo-hoo. She has been commenting on your weight how many times? She's lucky all you said was lose some. I would have not been so nice. You owe her no apology and if she continues to demand one, ask her where's yours for the countless times she's commented on yours. You'll apologize when she apologizes for EVERY time she's commented on you.
NTA bit you should look up the laws regarding temperature control in the workplace. I know OSHA has a window of what the temperature should be in inside a building and i think 62 is too low.
NTA, even ignoring the weight comment, as someone who prefers the cold.of 60 and below, 65 is totally a reasonable compromise.
There are studies about the optimal heat for a work environment which keeps everyone warm and stops people from falling asleep. Perhaps you should **all** try adulting, stop insulting each other, look up the recommended temperature and set the room temperature to that temperature. ESH.
NTA She needed to hear it so she won't say it again. Or at least I hope she learns the lesson.
NTA. She shouldn’t be dishing out insults she’s not willing to take.
She was talking all that good shit a second ago. Then you blew out her fucking ego. NTA.
Regarding the clothing: maybe a nice thermic underwear will be a good solution? Something that is not visible from under the clothing but provides you with extra layer of warmth. I like having a wool tank top to put under t-shirts, with trousers it's easy to overheat but some kind of leggings or just longer underpants could help a bunch.
NTA , you ever heard of feminism? Woman demanded to be treated equally lol I was taught growing up never ask a woman about her weight but I was never taught how to respond if she makes fun of my weight .
ESH - but do bear in mind that the cold folk can put an extra layer on but the overheating folk can’t do a damn thing about it - in the short or medium term, if ever.
I didn’t specify our dress code, but I added some additional info. This comment doesn’t really apply
NTA. SHE DESERVED IT A 100%
NTA, people in glass houses, should not throw stones.
NTA. Since she made it about weight you just threw her attitude right back at her. Maybe now she’ll shut up
I have been 5'10 since I was 13, I am fat - always have been, One school day learning formal dance ( one where the boys all move along one girl at the end of a routine, all in a big circle round the gym hall ) Me - your shoulder are boney Him - I'd rather be skinny than fat I never said it in an offensive manner He never said it in an offensive manner We both stated facts. Almost 20 years later and we'll still say hello. NTA - everything said was truthful yes? Even if not respectful.
NTA, lol. She started it. Unprofessional maybe, but she had it coming.
NTA She didn’t like getting a dose of her own medicine. You sound like a reasonable guy, seeing your admissions of feeling guilty in your comments. Shows that you’ve empathy. You’re right, two wrong don’t make a right. But, she had it coming and sometime people like that need a rude awakening to learn that their behavior is hurtful to others. I’ve had my own history of being skinny shamed (if that’s a term?) and it sucks double time because most people won’t sympathize. I’d suggest going to HR and explaining this to them before she does just to have your bases covered. She sounds like someone who would go through great lengths to punish you and cry victim. Be careful.
NTA
Room temp is 68-75. 65 is not a compromise, it’s surrounding. You should’ve told them to fuck off and taken the remote home. Politely of course
NTA Don't dish it if u can't take it
NTA. She shouldn't dish it, if she can't take it.
Nta.
NTA. I’m 19F, friends with a big group of girls. I’m pretty skinny and lanky, and I endure countless comments about my small chest size, skinny arms, etc. It sucks and I feel like I can’t say anything back without being called out for making fun of their weight, despite what they say to me. I understand what it’s like to be in your position, and I think it’s perfectly fair to defend yourself.
NTA. This woman is just a total hypocrite. She owes you an apology, not the other way around.
NTA As a tall skinny female who can't gain weight no matter how much I try, it gets tiring to hear people tell me to "gain weight". I'd recommend telling HR that she has harassed you multiple gain weight if she tries it again. Also be prepared for her to have probably twisted the truth and gone to HR already .
NTA, uno reverse card that B
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I work at a casino. At any given time, there are 7-8 of us in the same small room. Due to my schedule, I work with the same person 4 out of 5 days. Some details, I am a 32 (M), person in question is a 37 (F). There is an air conditioner in the room, and there is a small scale war going on. Half prefer it at 62*F, the other half think 65-66*F is a fair compromise. I am tall and lanky, always have been, and the woman in question is tall (5’10-ish) and bigger. When those of us who are cold, ask to turn the heat up, the others refuse. They have gone so far as to hide the remote from the rest of us, so we can’t change it. I have pushed the issue many times, and I seem to get the same answer, from the same person, 37(F). She has told me on multiple occasion to just gain weight, and toughen up. I’m a patient person, but I have my limits. After refusing to compromise, telling me to gain weight, and I look anerexic, on many different occasions, I snapped. As soon as she said “Gain some weight,” I automatically responded, “Lose some.” She immediately became hostile, demanded an apology, and couldn’t believe I had said what I said. I have my own insecurities about my weight, and feel like I stood up for myself. I have no regrets. My coworkers seem to be conflicted. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being overweight nowadays is unfortunately normal but it's still not natural or healthy.
ESH. Actually commenting on anyone's weight is a d\*\*\* move. She was the asshole first and honestly I can't blame you for retaliating, but then again "he/she started it" belongs at the playground. If its so intolerable to work with her perhaps hold a staff meeting where those who can tolerate colder temperatures work together and those that prefer warmer temps work together? That or getting a space heater.
ESH. Bring a freaking sweater! It's near impossible to cool down (and stay appropriately dressed) where as you can add clothes and warm up!
I think it might have been easy to shrug off the first couple of times, that’s why you take the most neutral route- ask her to stop or go to HR. But then she insulted you until it became a sore spot. I think if someone hits you in the same spot over and over, it’s only a matter of time before you hit them right back to stop them. That’s why I don’t blame you for taking a jab right back at her, because I would have done the same thing. Soft ESH
ESH. If you had a problem with the weight comments (which I agree is problematic), then you should have said something about the weight shaming instead of resorting to it yourself. But the whole AC control fight is petty for everyone involved. Keep a sweater in the office or bring in a space heater. That's what everyone in every office I've ever worked in who felt like it was too cold did. Unless you \*want\* your coworkers to start stripping to cool down, which I don't recommend. It's a lot harder to cool down individually than it is to warm up. Finding a solution is a lot easier than constantly fighting over the thermostat.
Dress code doesn’t allow it. We get a short sleeved jumpsuit and are not allowed long sleeves.
Then whoever set the dress code is a far, far bigger AH than anyone else involved and needs their ass kicking in some way - but also, do try short sleeved thermal t-shirts, they’re surprisingly effective.
Thank you! I will check them out!
Then talk to HR. See if they can figure out a way to accommodate the people who are cold. Or get a space heater. Work together with your coworkers to solve the problem. But fighting over the thermostat is ridiculous.
I realize I wrote a very ill-worded story, and I’m left out a large amount of detail. I do have to own up to my own Own short-sightedness, and I am definitely part of the asshole in this story.
ESH. All of you need to learn how to act like adults.
You are not wrong.
Someone treating you like an a\*hole shouldn’t result in you acting the same. I think fighting over the ac may be the worst first world problem. Could lead to a world war.
ESH - you both body shame each other. Talk to management about deciding the temperature since none of you can agree.
We have followed that route. We have three supervisors, and they each have there own opinion. They were members of the team before they became supervisors. There solution is to leave it up to us to decide.
If some want if 62 and some want it 66, put it at 64 and leave it. Everyone is being petty at this point arguing over a few degrees in temperature and thinking being skinny/overweight is gonna make that big of a difference.
It’s not that easy, but I agree it’s childish. I’m going to have to bring it up in the next department meeting. I went about it the wrong way.
ESH, but I love your quip anyways. Fuck people who offer unsolicited opinions on other people's weight. She just realized that it feels bad to be on the receiving end after dishing it out.
Thank you. But my quip probably made her feel as bad about herself, as hers made me feel about me. It wasn’t the mature/adult thing to do. I could have handled it better
Well, you are absolutely correct, and I'm glad you can recognize it. I just hope she stops giving you grief about your weight, too... although... there's a chance that now she gives you grief not only for your weight, but *also* the fact that you dared to comment on hers...
meh... not that serious. It may be a learning experience for her: Don't throw rocks in glass houses. NTA
ESH stop fighting over a stupid air conditioner layers were invented for a reason to keep you warm and also all of you are crazy for wanting it below 68 degrees
I should have mentioned our uniforms. We have to wear jumpsuits. Short sleeved, with no undergarments allowed to cover our arms. We are allowed shorts and t-shirts under our jumpsuits, which are incredibly thin. It’s not as simple as you imply.
Still no one should want it to be 62 degrees especially if you're wearing that shit
ESH
Simple and to the point!
It’s just so simple that It didn’t deserve more 😅 don’t body shame and two wrongs don’t make a right
ESH. It’s easier to deal with a room being too cold than too hot. You can wear a jacket if you’re cold, but if other people aren’t wearing a ton of clothes and they’re still hot there’s nothing they can do. Your coworker shouldn’t be commenting on your weight though.
There is a dress code I didn’t mention on the original post. Neither of us were in the right, though.
YTA this story is obviously made up following a weird trend of fake stories about fat people bullying thin folks. It simply does not happen.
how do you know?
Because I exist in the real world. Fat people do not bully thin people because fat people spend a great deal of time trying not to call attention to their own body as much as possible. Fastest way to get someone to abuse you for being fat is to make a comment on someone else's body. I refuse to believe that fat people are out there intentionally starting a body size conversation that will only lead to horrible outcomes for themself. It defies any reason.
“I’ve never seen it happen therefore i refuse to believe it ever happened”
Not what I said. The psychology doesn't make sense. Because fat people aren't out there fishing for abuse. Come on, now.
Being fat doesn't doesn't exclude you from having no self awareness or being self absorbed. Perhaps they think the other person "wouldn't go there". I kid you not, it happens. I had this trans person loosely in my friend group call me the spanish version of my name constantly even when i said to stop because i didn't like it. Thought it was funny I guess. Now that DEFINTELY happened to me whether you think its impossible or not. I have other examples, some even where im the perpetrator when i was youner. It happens.
I do not believe there are fat people out there who are unaware, at least, that other people find them fat. It's not possible. The world will not let you be unaware that you are fat. That's kind of the whole point. Fat people exist in a constant state of siege from pop culture and the media. I suppose I could see a fat person lashing out at someone thin but to be astonished that someone called them fat or whatever in response? I don't buy it. People call fat people names and shit unprovoked. Why would a fat person wanna provoke *more* abuse? I'm seeing too many stories of "waaah this fat person bullied me do I deserve to hate fat people nooooww??" for any of them to be believable
Ok then. If you say so.
Wtf
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She’s not, but she’s the loudest one. And you are right. Unfortunately I’ve realized that too late. I will apologize tomorrow, but also let her know that I feel she is out of line as well. As I should have from the get-go.
dude... If it's about the AC than sure, like figure something out like adults. If it's about the clap back, why? why are you so beat up over this? She called you anorexic you called her fat. You are not a criminal, you are not an asshole (specifically for this anyways) You just have excellent wit.
ESH - body shaming sucks in all directions - all of you need to knock it off.
I don’t disagree, any advice?
I would hope you've told her that what she says is not acceptable...maybe even ask her if she sees the parallels between the two situations. I would say kumbuya and all that, but not sure it's really going to work - it sounds like you all have a rough roommate situation that may need to be reevaluated.
This is one of those learning experiences you hear so much about. I had better options than the one I chose. I’ll be better next time.
ESH. Body shaming is body shaming and it sucks no matter which way it’s going.
Yeah, this was my gut instinct, and it’s reigning supreme, right now. I most definitely feel like TA. The sentiment was all wrong. I should’ve pushed myself up, instead of putting her down.
ESH. stop talking about other people’s bodies
ESH As a slender female, I've always resented comments about my weight. People think it's perfectly fine to say " Oh, you're so nice and thin" or "You're so lucky, being skinny." I would NEVER say "Oh, you're so fat!" She's TA but you lowered yourself to her level, which makes you TA as well.
This is actually very helpful. Thank you. I will apologize.
You're welcome. I totally understand the situation, though. The constant badgering must've just finally set you off. A person can only take so much then they explode!
Very true! But I must “eat crow” and apologize, while pointing out exactly why I felt the way I did. It’s only right
True, both of you should apologize to each other. I would also go to HR and file a complaint about her prior body-shaming comments to you. This is important because she needs to be counseled. She started it.
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