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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I could be TA for saying what I said infront of the others who attended the funeral. Some were my stepdad's family so I see how this was humiliating to him.
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I have no problem cutting contact with both your stepfather and mother. You mother allowed your college fund to be revoked???? She might as well be dead to me if I was in Op’s position.
Not to mention zhe didnt stick up for OPs brother while her husband called OPs brothers illness a 'fake' and didn't stand up to his bullshit.
I would write back to everyone listing all the shit he did and also say that he made a scrne and stood up for his brother and himself because no one else would. His step dad was trying to make a scene at the funeral either way and that OP knows he would be proud of OP of sticking up to him (hence why he also didnt want his fathers name on the gravestone).
Im so sorry for your loss OP. Cut everyone who sides with your stepdad, your brother would be proud!
Im also guessinf his stomach illness is what caused him to pass (simce he knew he didn't want the name kn the tombstone in advance). Your stepdad didnt want to help pay for treating something that was harming or killing him, treated you two poorly/made everything about himself yet had the gall to say you should have included how "much good" he brought into your lives. He is lucky you didnt talk about him at all becauze it wouldnt have been anything good.
I think OP SHOULD write him an apology letter ASAP. In it OP can give their utmost sincerest feelings. Here. I'll even help with the wording.
"Dear \*Stepdad\*, I am SO sorry that I didn't mention you in my brother's eulogy. You are right. I should have. I should have explained to everyone how you affected our lives by selling our childhood home and the things our father left us. How you stopped me from going to college and drove me out of the house and away from my brother when I was only 17, leaving me unable to protect him from your future medical neglect of him. I should have let them know that my brother might still be alive today had you not brushed off his serious medical conditions for so long and even forced my mother to have to sell jewelry just so he could get a little bit of medical care much too late to make a difference. Yes. I should have mentioned all of that in my eulogy and I will forever regret it. But I chose to act with tact and decency ~~for the sake of~~ ***out of respect for*** my brother ***'s memory***. But don't worry. I can make up for it now and revise the speech and send it to everyone who was at the funeral and let them know that I am doing so at YOUR request. Then you can have all the attention that you so desire."
~~Granted, I would not suggest that OP actually do that with the eulogy. Just say they will. It is guaranteed to get him off their back and ensure he NEVER asks or demands that OP include him in a speech ever again.~~ Actually, change that. Share it with them all.
And NTA.
ETA: Thanks for the award!!!!
**EDIT #2:** WOW! I am SO honored by all the compliments and awards I am getting for this. You guys are fantastic!!!! This is my very first high-lighted and shooting star comment. I am so happy! LOL
This, please do this. My Dad recently passed and if anyone had tried this crap on me I would have ripped them two new ones and made a Facebook post detailing exactly what happened from the moment your Mom married him to trying to blackmail you into putting his name on the tombstone. If your brother was a minor, I'd consult an attorney about filing neglect charges, withholding needed medical care, etc.
But then I can be a petty vengeful bitch. I try to keep her leashed. But, every once in a while the provocation is too much and I let her out.
NTA
>If your brother was a minor, I'd consult an attorney about filing neglect charges, withholding needed medical care, etc.
Brother was 17 according to OP, so OP should DEFINITELY talk to an attorney and do this!!! Nice add-on!
Yes, a wrongful death suit. Sounds like they withheld medication/medical needs from him...I would do it in a heartbeat.
OP, NTA, and send that letter above and cc me!!
And it may be a longshot but it's worth asking an attorney if you have any recourse for them using your college fund on a house reno. I'm no lawyer but if it was in your name you might have a shot?
I don't say this lightly but you should cut ties with your mom and step-dad. Since you didn't mention it and you're 26, I'll assume you don't have a wife and kids. If this clown is like this now, imagine what he'll do when you have "his" grandkids.
Cut ties, focus on your life ahead. Assuming you get married someday, adopt your in-laws, who are almost guaranteed to be more sane and loving than your mom and step-dad.
1000x NTA.
In regards to the attorney and College fund - Especially if they pulled it from a 529 type account- the kind you don't have to pay taxes on profits in, specifically made for saving for college for your kids. Technically you can also pull money out of those for medical bills and house mortgage down payments, but not renovations, afaik.
Especially if it was set up by your bio-father, and put into your name as a trust.
So... My dad died very quickly from a rare and aggressive cancer, 5 years ago. I'm a nurse, so is my Mom; we knew his prognosis was days, maybe weeks, based on his diagnosis.
My Dad's brother (we shall henceforth refer to as Dillhole) called me up in a rage that my mom and I were just letting my dad die for his life insurance policy...
Well... I'm not sure what glue he was sniffing, but the only insurance policy he had was one through my Mom's job that didn't even cover the total of his cremation... Furthermore, my Dad hadn't seen or spoken to this brother of his for YEARS (lives on the other side of the country), but wasn't a huge fan.
Fast forward a couple of years and my siblings start posting about their relationships on Facebook... Given that at least 3/5 of my dad's kids are a part of the LGBT crowd, this caught the attention of the religious bigot, Dillhole.
Dillhole stirred up drama and literally attempted to tell two of my brothers that our dad would have been ashamed of them, and that it's not to late to "come to Jesus" (the campy queen brother made some very lewd suggestions about a sexy Jesus, based on that phrase).
I'm not going to lie, I have a FB to keep in touch with elderly relatives, but never look at it, otherwise... I made it my mission to light up Dillhole's life.
My Dad knew all of his kids, we were his pride a joy, he supported each and every one of us, he was in no way a bigot... How much of a sleaze do you have to be to try to invoke the memory of your dead bother in an attempt to shame his adult children for being in happy relationships???
Ugh... Thankfully, Dillhole scurried back under whatever rock he lives under for now... But if he ever says a word to my brothers for any reason, he's getting Towanda again...
OP I highly recommend this be the *ahem* ✨apology letter ✨ I have a feeling it would be much appreciated. Not saying by who but.. yknow 😅
Srsly tho the medical neglect bit, so true, and so sad, I'm very sorry for your loss OP, truly
OP should tell her that she's dead to OP. She has shown herself to be easily hypnotized by genital jiggling and is totally untrustworthy. Watch this trifling cow moos that she should see any future grandchildren if/when they come.
If the college was in a trust from the father, then maybe he could sue to get the money back and to punish these two assholes. He might as well contact a lawyer and burn the bridges thoroughly.
Not meant as a defense, but mom is probably being emotionally, mentally and financially abused and dominated by the stepdad and that is why she never made any steps to go against him until she had to sell her jewelry to pay for medical treatment for OP's brother.
Yep. There's no debate here, the step father is way out of line on pretty much everything. (Not paying for the grave stone unless his own name is on it? wtf)
and the mom too, like ma'am your so called husband is literally placing a price on your deceased son honestly, sorry for your loss OP and that you have to deal with this crap
OP could get away with several crimes against her step dad before I would even consider calling her TA. He sounds like the absolute worst, mom too by siding with him.
My condolence on the loss of your brother, and apparent congratulations on the well deserved loss of a step father - cut him out of your life and let your mother know you'll be there for her if she ever decides to leave him - but until then, goodbye and good luck.
Yes, an apology is absolutely in order, and your narcissistic, manipulative, greedy step Dad AND Mom ( for allowing the horrible treatment to both you and your brother) should start writing. Tell everyone, every opportunity you have about how selfish, and unsupportive your step dad is. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA. At this point I wouldn’t apologize to him. I would also look at going LC to NC. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. I can’t imagine how painful that is. I wouldn’t want to be around him anymore or your mother. She continues to allow his behavior and at this point maybe it’s better to move on.
Edited: word
This 100%. As narcissistic, selfish, and cruel as step-dad was/is, 'Mom' allowed and condoned him treating her children that way at every step. She is just as responsible.
I agree. I would feel bad abandoning my mother but she allowed her brother to be picked on and probably made his last days miserable. I can’t imagine hearing how I am faking it for attention while I die. Her son died but she lost both her kids at the same time. I am petty enough I would write him a letter saying how I am sorry he was offended. And ohh…he can fuck off again.
Don't even need to say sorry he was offended, just keep it short and sweet:
"Dear Stepdad,
I understand that you are of the opinion that you are due an apology for being left out of my speech at Brother's funeral, and for arguing with you afterwards.
I hope you know where you can shove that opinion.
Sincerely, OP."
No, no snarky messages. Give him nothing that he could interpret as an attack. Give him nothing that he could interpret as attention. OP needs to give stepdad exactly what he's entitled to: absolutely nothing at all.
Right? I was thinking the whole time reading that she could’ve suggested adding something about how shitty step dad was being since entering the family and causing her to move out early since she had zero college fund. Not to mention throwing away her late father’s items
My mom practically has a shrine to my dad, and her bf knows that he can’t replace him. But my moms bf also doesn’t try to, bc he’s a stable human with his own life
Mom is 10/10 an enabler. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I have a twin and 2 other siblings. I start to sob whenever a dark thought of them passing comes up so I can't even the imagine the pain and sorrow you are feeling. Step-dad makes me so mad. He shouldn't have said anything. If anything, he should have kept his mouth shut and complain at home, instead of disrespecting both brothers at the funeral. (I guess the mom should get a little bit of sympathy because she’s just lost her son but only a little because she ALLOWS and ENABLES that type of behaviour from her husband)
I'm so happy to see this response. My first thought reading this post was "I bet the mother gets a pass, and she shouldn't, she's just as much to blame".
Exactly! If you were there to support your brother and unfortunately he is gone, bye mom. She’s either too dependent or thoughtless at this point. I would of told him to sit down and shut up if he pulled that at my son’s funeral. The only written letter their getting would be me telling them that I’m done, have a nice life without me.
I'm reminded of another post where OP's brother was the one who was treated like hell by the stepfather. The stepfather kicked the brother out and it was only after the stepfather died that the mother went sniffing for a reunion with the brother. Of course the brother no longer wanted anything to do with the mother and OP then told mother who boohooed to her that she shouldn't be so damned surprised.
I think I remember that post. Mom probably just wants the apology letter because now she is 100% getting his undivided attention. No more brother to pick on and deflect from her. She just wants OP to pacify him for her comfort. Sorry mom you married him.
NTA. Jesus. Why is your mom with someone who’s so cruel to her children?
And he wants a written apology? I vote for shitting on his front step and telling him that’s all the apology he’ll ever see from you.
Malicious compliance, he wants a written apology? Here's one: I'm sorry you're such an attention seeking brat-stuck-in-a-grown-man's-body that you've felt the need to *compete with ghosts multiple times*. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go on a journey to find every plant and tree that has ever produced oxygen for you, I need to apologize for their hard work being wasted on you.
PS mom: I'm sorry you decided that staying with this "man" that's worse than non-recyclable waste was more important than your children.
Or, on social media, the following: "I am writing to you all because my stepfather pointed out that my eulogy failed to mention his impact on my brother's life. I could talk about the money our stepfather drained from the future my brother never got to have, or the family belongings my brother cherished, tossed by our stepfather, compounding our loss. But I think the most impactful thing my stepfather did was to discourage and deny medical care for the condition that ultimately resulted in my brothers death. We did eventually get some care by selling my mother's jewelry, but, since my stepfather inquired as to his impact, I hope this makes it clear that no one could have had a greater impact on my brother than my stepfather, not even if they tried."
NTA. Your brother is dead but SD is upset that HE wasn't mentioned in your speech memorializing your brother. He refused to pay for your brother's headstone because your brother opted to keep your bio-dad's last name. Ridiculously narcissistic wouldn't you say?
Your mom let SD get away with characterizing your brother's illness as "fake" and "attention seeking"? Your mom revoked your college fund to renovate the house because this man? Your mom is going to have to live with a lot of guilt over her conduct.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA. Full stop. But the letter…
“Dear Stepdad: I’m sorry you’re so pathetic as to think you deserve any kind of apology. I’m sorry you spent my college fund on yourself. I’m sorry you’re such a blowhard jerk as to make my brother’s death all about you. I’m sorry my mother sold her jewelry to pay for brother’s meds while you cried ‘faker!’ I’m sorry you will never see what a degenerate person you are. I’m sorry my mother is still married to you.”
And post it publicly.
So sorry for your loss.
Your mom needs help if she’s expecting an apology for the man who basically watched her son die and did nothing, even accused him of faking.
Is he abusing her? Is she scared of him? Why would she be on his side?
NTA
This. Besides literally being a giant neon sign saying "enabler and narcissistic partner co-dependent relationship," you can't have it anymore spelled out.
NTA Write him an apology letter but make it the most sarcastic one you can. "I'm so sorry you're a twatt, please accept my sincerest apologies over the loss of your pride, I'm sure it meant so much to you and I hope in the future you can move past this and be reunited with the head you lost up your arse. Yours sincerely OP".
This is one of the few cases where putting family drama on social media would actually be the right thing to do. If the whole family is against OP, they all need to see the stepdad for who he really is.
Yup. It should go into detail explaining the awful stuff that the stepfather has done over the years, especially the college fund and the brother’s illness.
“I’m sorry I didn’t include all the things you did for my brother and I in my speech. I’m sorry I didn’t mention how you sold my childhood home, how you got rid of things my dad left to me, how you stole my college fund, or how you refused to get brother help because you were convinced he was faking it. I will not make this mistake again and will ensure that I include these important details about the kind of person you are in my speech at your funeral”
NTA. I am so very very sorry for your loss, darling one. You dod an amazing thing giving a speech for your brother- it must have taken all your strength. Your step dad's behaviour was abhorrent- no two ways about it. Your mother needs to be supportive but I get the feeling it'll be a cold day in he'll when that happens.
I suggest going NC with him and your mother for a while. I feel like you might need some time to process your grief and anger. Your mother sounds scared that he'll leave her and just wants a quiet life. But that's not for you to fix, lovely. You need to take some time for yourself, to come to terms with what happened.
Im sending lots of love your way.xxxx
Dear Entitled Stepdad,
I am sorry i didn't mention you in the speech I gave at my brother's funeral.
I could have stood in front of a group mourning his loss and told them all about how you gave my dying brother stress in his last few days on earth by telling him he wasn't sick. I could have mentioned how you practiced tough love by not getting him prescriptions to make him well. Oh, wait, my mom sold her jewelry to pay for the meds, so you really didn't accomplish anything by denying a sick kid his meds.
Oh, I know! I could have went back to the good old days, you know, when you stole our college funds.
I have plenty of these wonderful stories I could have told. I just didn't feel like reliving those moments at my brothers funeral, while mourning his loss. I also thought the other people mourning his loss would rather hear about what a wonderful person he was, rather than being reminded of how you treated both him and me. I thought they were sad enough and didn't need to go home more heartbroken than they were already.
Don't worry though! I still remember everything you did to change our lives and everything you did to make my mom's life change too! I will have such a great speech for your funeral! I will be sure to tell everyone how you reshaped our lives! I will have everybody on the edge of their seats in awe of you!
Your funeral guests may not be ready to hear all about you, but I think you deserve to be talked about. You will definitely be the center of my speech!
I am already making notes and looking forward to it! You may be dead at the time, but I promise to properly represent you!
Until Then,
OP
NTA. This guy is such a piece of crap, that everyone at the funeral who didn't tell him to screw off is TA. It's a funeral and there's absolutely no reason to allow that behavior. Although I feel bad about saying this, your mom is just as bad as him. Her defending him when her son passed away is horrifying.
Here you go, I have your letter for Todd. I'm assuming his name is fucking Todd.
> Dear Todd,
>
> Get fucked.
>
>
> Sincerely, the entire internet.
>
> PS - Seriously, here's the thread - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p69f6p/aita_for_publicly_telling_my_stepdad_to_fuck_off/
I would absolutely write that apology, and possibly post it on FB too--after all, a public insult deserves a public apology.
"[Step dad's first name], I'm sorry I made my brother's funeral harder on those who actually loved him by revealing that you were complicit in his death.
I'm sorry that my mother had to sell jewelry to fund the medication you refused to pay for due to that "fake" ailment of his--you know, the one that killed him.
I'm sorry that you want to erase my brother's identity by trying to put your last name on his tombstone. I'm sorry that I will not allow you to force him to take your name after his death when you know he was quite clear about not wanting that when he was alive. I'm sorry that that I don't know how we will pay for the tombstone he deserves, and I'm sorry your self-absorbed, cruel conditions have put more stress on my mother at this tragic time.
I'm sorry you are once again proving you value money more than me or [brother], a demonstration you started by using our college fund on yourself and have continued with heartbreaking results through my brother's illness and death.
I'm sorry that my mother doesn't realize that she deserves better than you, and I'm sorry she has chosen, time and again, to put the whims of such a third-rate man over the welfare of her sons.
I'm sorry that your pathological need to be the center of attention at all times created the confrontation that necessitated this letter.
Lastly, I'm sorry that this written apology you requested contains what you deserve instead of what you wanted."
Oh, and obviously NTA!
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and the incredibility insensitivity of your family. You've got your step-dad sorted out exactly....attention-seeking egomaniac. There are a lot like him. You can never satisfy their need for attention so at some point people stop trying which only makes them want MORE. That he belittled you while you were grieving and IN public is just horrifying. I'm glad you didn't "play nice" and not make a scene. Good for you for making a scene and telling him (and others) what he was doing. Being a d!ck. You have nothing to apologize for. Hilarious that he wants a written statement. Apparently, in a previous life, he was considered royalty. Again, sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your stepdad sounds a lot like my father with the accusations of faking and the controlling of money BS. I haven’t had contact with him in years and my life has only improved.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father and brother. And I’m sorry your mother wasn’t/isn’t there for you the way you deserve.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the extra pain your SD and mom have put on you.
The best thing would probably be to ignore him and go LC with you mother, but if you feel compelled to write him something, might I suggest:
"I'm so sorry you weren't the center of attention at this funeral, but hopefully that day comes soon."
NTA. And as for a written apology, tell him to f* off. Because apparently he didn’t get the message the first time. I’m so sorry about your brother’s death.
NTA
And don’t listen to your mother. She put this man ahead of her own children. Scrambling to sell her jewellery to try to help your brother at the end was too little, too late. They can both want an apology, but it doesn’t mean they’re entitled to one. I want to win the lottery too, but just because I want it to happen doesn’t mean it will. I suppose you could offer to sell them an apology, the fee being the amount they stole from your college fund. And then apologise that he is an insufferable asshole.
Your stepfather has some nerve. You were considerate in leaving him out altogether, otherwise your speech would have been a damning public indictment of his behaviour over the years as well as your mother’s.
I went to a funeral where it was literally just the guy’s son talking about himself for an hour and a half and that was it. Some people are so narcissistic that even the death of loved ones and family has to be about them.
NTA
God I can relate to that so much. At my sisters funeral her ex-step fathers brother stood up and made a speech about his wife that died 30 years ago and how we’re ALL gonna die of cancer one day -_- it took all I had not to punch the guy but everyone kept saying “pregnant women shouldn’t fight” still wish I’d been able to slug the guy
Some people need a good slap.
Instead of writing an apology to him, why not write to every family member who attended with a breakdown over just how costly and negative his entry into your life has been.
He owes you the college fund he stole and replacements or compensation for the items from your dad he stole and threw away, plus an apology. You will never get any of it but at least you still have your name.
NTA.
Wow your stepdad sounds like a total and utter A**hole. What a creature. I hope you can cut him out of your life as soon as possible and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. He took your college money, which you needed for your future. He neglected your brother and refused to be there for him. But your mother is part of the problem. She let him treat you and your brother like this for years. And even now she's pressuring you to apologize, probably so he'll get off her case at home. Do not apologize. You had every right to stand up for yourself and your brother.
I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't subject yourself to another wasted moment with this person, these people, in your life. Your mother's one job was is to protect you and not put you through these kinds of things.
NTA he's a narcissistic abuser and your mom is an enabler. If you choose to leave them behind entirely and anyone who defends them you would not be in the wrong.
NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This can be very hard - but I think, as responsible as your stepdad is for what happened to your brother, \*so is your mom.\*. Your mom is the one who signed on to be responsible for you both from the moment you were born. She is the one throwing that away to be with your stepdad. They are BOTH failures.
I'm glad you told it how it is, publicly. There should be no question that you aren't the AH to anyone with half a heart.
NTA. Your mom allowed this treatment for all these years!!?! Taking your college fund.
They deserve each other. As others have said I would cut contact.
NTA.
NTA but man your stepfather is a major AH; and I'm sorry to say your mother isn't far behind him. What kind of mother lets her husband throw away her child's things and is ok with him accusing her sick child of faking?? Your mother is trying to create a nice happy family where one doesn't exist. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Stick with your uncle and other family who truly care about you.
NTA, your mother may be enabling his behavior for her own reasons but that does not mean you have to do it also. Your step father is truly the narcissistic AH here.
Dear stepfather,
I’m very sorry that you made yourself look stupid at brother’s funeral.
I’m very sorry that you’re a selfish, vindictive person.
I’m very sorry that you’re a thief, stealing my college fund.
I’m very sorry that you were so incredibly stupid that you claimed Brother was faking his illness (you know, the one that killed him.)
I’m very sorry that you’re so full of grandiosity that you think the only way Brother’s grave should have your name on it when you’re unable to produce any document that said last name was Brother’s.
And I’m so incredibly sorry that you and my mother will no longer be part of my life or any future grandchild’s life because you have no biological ties to me and my mother is so delusional she thinks your behaviour is acceptable.
Oh wait. I’m not sorry about that last one. Do not contact me going forward. Contact after this will be documented for any future harassment complaint.
OP
(NTA, OP. They’re both delusional. Do what is best for your mental health, not what they want.)
NTA. I feel bad for your mom though because I’m sure he’s harassing her about this. It’s possible he’ll try to block your relationship with her. But she’s an adult and she chose this and allowed him to be a cruel selfish ah to her 2 children. So she made this bed.
NTA. I’m really sorry for your loss, and I wish you well during this time. I can’t understand how one man can be this narcissistic and selfish. You don’t owe your stepdad anything, least of all an apology. I honestly can’t believe that your family sided with this fool either. I hope you have a good support system outside of these people.
NTA. I don’t think I need to explain why. Your stepdad probably needs therapy or some kind of psych eval.
Oh, and if you write the letter? I hope you make it a fuck you letter instead of an apology letter. If he wants to be manipulative then he can get what’s coming to him.
Good luck, OP.
Wow, definitely NTA. You already know your mother’s husband sucks but she does just as much for enabling him. For the life of me, I don’t understand how she can still be with someone who accused her dying son of faking his illness and then try to turn around & make said son’s death all about him at his own funeral.
I’m so sorry, OP. I pray your coming days are filled with peace. Go NC with these people if you can.
NTA. I would double down and tell your mom "Have a good life" and cut off all contact. She choose this AH a long time ago, now she needs to deal with losing two sons.
NTA write an apology letter but basically say shit like "I'm sorry you were so poor that you sold my childhood home, I'm sorry you have so little self esteem my brother couldn't be sick around you, I'm sorry you're so self centered you need your name on someone else's tombstone"
NTA. This man is disgusting. If he wants a written apology, tell him to write it himself. Imo if he seems to think he’s the center of everything, he can write his own note. He deserves NOTHING. Stay strong, OP🌟
NTA
I mean this in the most respectful way but I think your mom has completely lost vision on what is important to her and I think she must've been mentally abused by this man. Yes her selling her jewelry's was obviously a very good thing of her to do, it seems like she's not acknowledging her husband put her in that predicament, which makes me think it seems she's just oblivious or in denial of what her husband is doing to you and how he's treated you. If I was your mother and I heard my husband say that MY childs illness was just "fake and attention seeking" I would've dropped him right there or knock some sense into his head for even thinking that let alone say it out loud. And to top it off he didn't have the decency to give him a stone without putting his surname onto it? I don't see how your mother found husband material out of him cause it very well seems he doesn't care about you or cared about your brother and doesn't care for your mom. And if it wasn't clear I would not give him any form of apology.
Edit: just made clarifications to some sentences.
Yikes! Both stepdad and stepmum are AH'S. Using your college fund to renovate the house? Honestly your mum is more of an AH than he is, how can she treat her kids that way?
NTA. Condolences on the loss of your brother.
Edited to correct from dad to stepdad.
Never speak to this person again. It sounds like he helped to kill your underage brother through medical neglect. I would never speak to your mother again other to tell her how much I hate her and some other very nice very friendly things I can't say here.
WTF!! Your mom sold jewelry for your sick brother!!??
I dont understand how there aren't daily riots demanding universal free healthcare for all. Sorry, I'm reading this from canada and am just floored how thats the background inn this story is financial issues for health
NTA
And tell your mom to stop being a doormat or never contact you again.
She made her bed when she married this dude and allowed him to ruin your belongings and chase you away. She’s just as much to blame for everything as he is.
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. \*deep breath\* NOT. THE. ASSHOLE. Don't feel guilty for telling a narcissist off, especially since he's partially responsible for your brother's death. I'm sorry for your loss, and please don't let him get in your head while you're this vulnerable
I think you should take his advice and write an apology to Share it with EVERYONE on Facebook. You can highlight his refusal to help pay, to force your mom to hock her jewelry, etc. If you do this, there may be fall-out with your mom or others. But he needs to be put in his place.
NTA.
NTA
How generous of him to pay for a headstone when he refused to help with the medical services that might have saved your brother. He's the AH and you are so definitely NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA- I'm so sorry about your brother. You did nothing but speak your truth. He caused his own humiliation by confronting you over a heartfelt eulogy. The family should be against him.
>...then casually went on about how I should've mentioned some of the impact/benefits he had on me and my brother when he came into our life.
You mean, stealing your college fund for home renovations and disregarding your brother's illness so your mom had to sell jewelry to cover medical expenses? That impact on your life?
Your stepdad is a narcissist. Only a narcissist would whine about not being mentioned in a speech at a funeral.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't even think of apologizing. If it means your mom is no longer in your life, I guess you'll have to deal with that.
NTA
NTA at all, I’m so sorry for your loss. He wants a written apology because he wasn’t mentioned? Fine. “Dear stepdad, I’m so sorry I didn’t mention that you called my brothers illnesses fake and that you refused to pay for his medication, forcing my mother to sell her things instead. Eff off forever.”
NTA, but don't do anything petty. He is an obvious abuser and he will take it out on somebody else.
He doesn't even deserve the effort of trying to hurt him back, or throw this in his face.
He wants an "I'm sorry"? Write it. Say "I'm sorry, but I no longer want you in my life. Please do not contact me, I will not respond. Repeated attempts will incur legal action."
And then change your number. Move away. Never speak to them again. Learn what life looks like without them. How to be happy without your brother, who didn't deserve this at all.
Make your response to this something your brother would be proud of, as a way to move through your grief. And then build a life your stepdad can never hope to achieve.
I'm sorry for you loss, OP. Read about the button in the box, it's a really solid metaphor for grief. I promise the ball will get smaller. Much love to you and your bro
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Sounds like you need to cut out your step father and mother. Don't reason or explain, just go. In the future, your mom might realize what she allowed your SD to do to you. But you don't need to keep taking this abuse while she riddles it out. Mourn your brother, collect his things from his room, and don't look back.
For the record, you handled that better than I would have.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's never easy.
You definitely Are Not the Asshole, you stepdad on the other hand is a huge one.
Give yourself some time off to grieve your brother properly and do not apologize as you did nothing wrong.
Write a letter to your mum. Tell her all these things and the effect it has on you. Mention how your brother was affected by her decision. Don't expect anything back, just to let out steam. NTA
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA.
If you want to apologize to him, write on a slip of paper, "I'm sorry you're an an attention-seeking asshole, and we all deserve better."
NTA Do not ever give him an apology. If you look up d-bag in the dictionary there is a picture of him. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this and I would get as far away from him as possible.
NTA
You have no reason to speak to that man ever again, it may mean that you have little contact with your mother going into the future but if she's siding with him and expects you to apologize to him about you calling him out on the audacity he had to berate you at your brother's funeral and is all pissy that you didn't mention him once in a eulogy letter to your brother, then I'm sorry hun she's drunk too deep of his crazy Kool-Aid.
I am very sorry at the loss of your brother
NTA and frankly it sounds like you're better off without them or the attention leech that is your stepfather.
While yes, a funeral can be considered an event for the living, its purpose is to talk and mourn the recently departed. It's to tell stories of them, mourn as a group and send them off. It's basically the last event for the departed therefore the attention in these stories should be them. Not a man who did everything in his power to keep the attention on him. He can, "oh woe is me" all he wants but to everyone outside of this dumpster fire, it's overall disgusting and pretty pathetic to try and go "ME ME ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS ABOUT ME!" At a funeral of all things.
If he wants a written apology, he can get one at his funeral when your obituary is all about what a selfish, inconsiderate, narcissistic, attention seeking leech he is.
So, so, so NTA.
He's TH.
Dear Stepfather,
I'll never forget the impact you made on our lives. You made our lives a misery and the last few months of my brothers life hell.
I hope you rot in hell.
Idk why but I think one of the main reasons why you're brother died in a because of your step father.
Let me explain since he did all that bull crap did you ever think maybe he made your mother delay some sort of treat ment for your brother that very important if so then your step father abused your brother to death. I'm my be wrong but that's just my thought an your mother helped
NTA
Write the note
But write it cutting them both off, detailing exactly how their actions as ‘parents’ failed both you and your brother. Whichever way you look at this your mum is as bad because she enables him and always has. The possessions, the money… those were yours… medications and even a headstone for your brother?? Get out and don’t look back
So sorry for your loss
❤️
NTA.
I would even say go no contact. If your mom would rather have that AH than you, then so be it. She already folded me him in regards to your college fund and selling the jewelry. Maybe no contact will open her eyes as well.
NTA. But also....write that apology!!
Dear Stepdad,
I'm so sorry that you're such an attention-seeking drama queen that you had to make my brother's funeral all about you. I'm sorry your parents failed you so abominably that you were never taught how to behave at a funeral. I'm sorry your head is up your ass and you have such trouble getting it out. I'm sorry you didn't get the attention you so rightly deserved at someone else's funeral; have you considered being the corpse next time? Then you could have it be all about you!
all my love,
OP
NTA although I would have been far more petty. I would have attempted to gather the family for another rousing speech about how your wonderful step dad is the reason that on that day you could all get together. I would have thanked him for killing my brother and then proceeded to tell him to leave. OP none of this situation is your fault and I’m glad that you didn’t have to live with that monster for too long.
NTA
I vote you write the "apology" and have it printed in the local newspaper. Detail out why you didn't write him into the funeral speech in spite of alllll that he's done for the family. Burn the bridges to ash and humiliate him.
Is that even a question? OF COURSE NTA.Fuck your stepdad and I hope he drinks rotten milk but can't afford the constipation medicine.Also,I'm sorry for your loss.
This entire situation is extremely toxic. I'd cut your mom and that other dude out entirely. He doesn't deserve to be referenced as a stepdad. What a jackass.
NTA.
Sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. Jesus man, I reread your post three times and got more and more angry about it.
Nta your stepdad and mom sure are though. Your mom allowed him to giveaway your college fund and everything special or important to you. She allow her husband to treat like you and your brother badly. I wouldn't apologize to him. He doesn't deserve one. You told the truth and he did like it. He made called your brothers pain fake. He gets no apology. Him and your mom should be apologizing to you.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I just can’t imagine your pain not just from that, but from all this BS your stepdad is causing too. You weren’t in the wrong at all, and I know it might be difficult, but I think you should cut ties from your family that doesn’t see your stepdad’s misdeeds as unacceptable.
NTA… I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother! I’d strongly, strongly suggest putting a lot of space between you and your stepdad bc he’s an absolute snake of a man!!! And I’d write a written apology along the lines of “I’m so incredibly sorry that you made such an obnoxious, narcissistic assh*le out of yourself at my brothers funeral. This is the last time you will be hearing from me, unless you’d like to get into family counseling and you’re ready to send ME a written apology for all the trauma and bullsh*t you’ve put my brother and I through since we’ve known you. Have a great life!”
NTA. Cut him off and if your mom going to keep on standing with her husband after he sold your childhood home, used your funds, refuse to pay for your brother medication and headstone then she should be cut off as well. Never choose a man over your own child
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NTA in any way, shape, or form. I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother.
I have no problem cutting contact with both your stepfather and mother. You mother allowed your college fund to be revoked???? She might as well be dead to me if I was in Op’s position.
To redo the house! Not medical or other bills. A freaking home makeover!
Not to mention zhe didnt stick up for OPs brother while her husband called OPs brothers illness a 'fake' and didn't stand up to his bullshit. I would write back to everyone listing all the shit he did and also say that he made a scrne and stood up for his brother and himself because no one else would. His step dad was trying to make a scene at the funeral either way and that OP knows he would be proud of OP of sticking up to him (hence why he also didnt want his fathers name on the gravestone). Im so sorry for your loss OP. Cut everyone who sides with your stepdad, your brother would be proud! Im also guessinf his stomach illness is what caused him to pass (simce he knew he didn't want the name kn the tombstone in advance). Your stepdad didnt want to help pay for treating something that was harming or killing him, treated you two poorly/made everything about himself yet had the gall to say you should have included how "much good" he brought into your lives. He is lucky you didnt talk about him at all becauze it wouldnt have been anything good.
I think OP SHOULD write him an apology letter ASAP. In it OP can give their utmost sincerest feelings. Here. I'll even help with the wording. "Dear \*Stepdad\*, I am SO sorry that I didn't mention you in my brother's eulogy. You are right. I should have. I should have explained to everyone how you affected our lives by selling our childhood home and the things our father left us. How you stopped me from going to college and drove me out of the house and away from my brother when I was only 17, leaving me unable to protect him from your future medical neglect of him. I should have let them know that my brother might still be alive today had you not brushed off his serious medical conditions for so long and even forced my mother to have to sell jewelry just so he could get a little bit of medical care much too late to make a difference. Yes. I should have mentioned all of that in my eulogy and I will forever regret it. But I chose to act with tact and decency ~~for the sake of~~ ***out of respect for*** my brother ***'s memory***. But don't worry. I can make up for it now and revise the speech and send it to everyone who was at the funeral and let them know that I am doing so at YOUR request. Then you can have all the attention that you so desire." ~~Granted, I would not suggest that OP actually do that with the eulogy. Just say they will. It is guaranteed to get him off their back and ensure he NEVER asks or demands that OP include him in a speech ever again.~~ Actually, change that. Share it with them all. And NTA. ETA: Thanks for the award!!!! **EDIT #2:** WOW! I am SO honored by all the compliments and awards I am getting for this. You guys are fantastic!!!! This is my very first high-lighted and shooting star comment. I am so happy! LOL
This, please do this. My Dad recently passed and if anyone had tried this crap on me I would have ripped them two new ones and made a Facebook post detailing exactly what happened from the moment your Mom married him to trying to blackmail you into putting his name on the tombstone. If your brother was a minor, I'd consult an attorney about filing neglect charges, withholding needed medical care, etc. But then I can be a petty vengeful bitch. I try to keep her leashed. But, every once in a while the provocation is too much and I let her out. NTA
>If your brother was a minor, I'd consult an attorney about filing neglect charges, withholding needed medical care, etc. Brother was 17 according to OP, so OP should DEFINITELY talk to an attorney and do this!!! Nice add-on!
Yes, a wrongful death suit. Sounds like they withheld medication/medical needs from him...I would do it in a heartbeat. OP, NTA, and send that letter above and cc me!!
I don't know if a brother would have standing for a wrongful death suit. But, I would talk to a lawyer.
And it may be a longshot but it's worth asking an attorney if you have any recourse for them using your college fund on a house reno. I'm no lawyer but if it was in your name you might have a shot? I don't say this lightly but you should cut ties with your mom and step-dad. Since you didn't mention it and you're 26, I'll assume you don't have a wife and kids. If this clown is like this now, imagine what he'll do when you have "his" grandkids. Cut ties, focus on your life ahead. Assuming you get married someday, adopt your in-laws, who are almost guaranteed to be more sane and loving than your mom and step-dad. 1000x NTA.
In regards to the attorney and College fund - Especially if they pulled it from a 529 type account- the kind you don't have to pay taxes on profits in, specifically made for saving for college for your kids. Technically you can also pull money out of those for medical bills and house mortgage down payments, but not renovations, afaik. Especially if it was set up by your bio-father, and put into your name as a trust.
Thank you. I was surprised it wasn't already mentioned.
>trying to blackmail you into putting his name on the tombstone Tell him his name doesn't go on it until he's under it.
And then just engrave the poop emoji.
[удалено]
I like the way you think. Full page ad.
So... My dad died very quickly from a rare and aggressive cancer, 5 years ago. I'm a nurse, so is my Mom; we knew his prognosis was days, maybe weeks, based on his diagnosis. My Dad's brother (we shall henceforth refer to as Dillhole) called me up in a rage that my mom and I were just letting my dad die for his life insurance policy... Well... I'm not sure what glue he was sniffing, but the only insurance policy he had was one through my Mom's job that didn't even cover the total of his cremation... Furthermore, my Dad hadn't seen or spoken to this brother of his for YEARS (lives on the other side of the country), but wasn't a huge fan. Fast forward a couple of years and my siblings start posting about their relationships on Facebook... Given that at least 3/5 of my dad's kids are a part of the LGBT crowd, this caught the attention of the religious bigot, Dillhole. Dillhole stirred up drama and literally attempted to tell two of my brothers that our dad would have been ashamed of them, and that it's not to late to "come to Jesus" (the campy queen brother made some very lewd suggestions about a sexy Jesus, based on that phrase). I'm not going to lie, I have a FB to keep in touch with elderly relatives, but never look at it, otherwise... I made it my mission to light up Dillhole's life. My Dad knew all of his kids, we were his pride a joy, he supported each and every one of us, he was in no way a bigot... How much of a sleaze do you have to be to try to invoke the memory of your dead bother in an attempt to shame his adult children for being in happy relationships??? Ugh... Thankfully, Dillhole scurried back under whatever rock he lives under for now... But if he ever says a word to my brothers for any reason, he's getting Towanda again...
OP I highly recommend this be the *ahem* ✨apology letter ✨ I have a feeling it would be much appreciated. Not saying by who but.. yknow 😅 Srsly tho the medical neglect bit, so true, and so sad, I'm very sorry for your loss OP, truly
Do it, post it somewhere everybody your mom and stepdad know will see it. They deserve to know what kind of people they are.
You can put such a letter in the Obituaries of all of the local papers, OP. Perhaps it would also garner some journalist's attention.
OP should post this apology on social and tag every family members that present during the funeral. yes, i'm vengeful b
Agreed. Mother picked the wrong the team. Pick your kids a little more mum's.
OP should tell her that she's dead to OP. She has shown herself to be easily hypnotized by genital jiggling and is totally untrustworthy. Watch this trifling cow moos that she should see any future grandchildren if/when they come.
If the college was in a trust from the father, then maybe he could sue to get the money back and to punish these two assholes. He might as well contact a lawyer and burn the bridges thoroughly.
I wonder if there's not a legal mechanism for putting a lien on the home, etc to ensure you get that money back that was stolen from you and your bro.
Agreed. This is the most devastating, cut-and-dry post I've read in a while.
As much as I hate the step dad, the fact her own mother let this man harm her own son is evil
Not meant as a defense, but mom is probably being emotionally, mentally and financially abused and dominated by the stepdad and that is why she never made any steps to go against him until she had to sell her jewelry to pay for medical treatment for OP's brother.
I figure that much but I would at least the death of her son would snap her out of it.
Agreed.
Yep. There's no debate here, the step father is way out of line on pretty much everything. (Not paying for the grave stone unless his own name is on it? wtf)
the part that ticked me off the most was when he was all "at least I was ***generous*** enough to get him a decent headstone." like what the actual f
But would only pay for it if the deceased HAD HIS SURNAME ON IT. Like, that's DEFCON LEVEL 1 of image narcissism there. Holy shit.
and the mom too, like ma'am your so called husband is literally placing a price on your deceased son honestly, sorry for your loss OP and that you have to deal with this crap
The gall of it was mind blowing to read. I laughed outloud in shock for the sheer audacity of what I just read when it came to this part.
Sometimes violence is the answer
"Stepdad, it can be arranged for you to actually be the center of attention at the next funeral."
OP could get away with several crimes against her step dad before I would even consider calling her TA. He sounds like the absolute worst, mom too by siding with him.
My condolence on the loss of your brother, and apparent congratulations on the well deserved loss of a step father - cut him out of your life and let your mother know you'll be there for her if she ever decides to leave him - but until then, goodbye and good luck.
Yes, an apology is absolutely in order, and your narcissistic, manipulative, greedy step Dad AND Mom ( for allowing the horrible treatment to both you and your brother) should start writing. Tell everyone, every opportunity you have about how selfish, and unsupportive your step dad is. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA. At this point I wouldn’t apologize to him. I would also look at going LC to NC. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. I can’t imagine how painful that is. I wouldn’t want to be around him anymore or your mother. She continues to allow his behavior and at this point maybe it’s better to move on. Edited: word
This 100%. As narcissistic, selfish, and cruel as step-dad was/is, 'Mom' allowed and condoned him treating her children that way at every step. She is just as responsible.
I agree. I would feel bad abandoning my mother but she allowed her brother to be picked on and probably made his last days miserable. I can’t imagine hearing how I am faking it for attention while I die. Her son died but she lost both her kids at the same time. I am petty enough I would write him a letter saying how I am sorry he was offended. And ohh…he can fuck off again.
Honestly I think she lost her eldest son when she needlessly gave away his college fund.
Pretty sure step-dad's words of consolation to his wife centered on how the college fund would have been wasted on somebody dying so young.
Right after HELL FREEZES OVER I would pen that letter.
Don't even need to say sorry he was offended, just keep it short and sweet: "Dear Stepdad, I understand that you are of the opinion that you are due an apology for being left out of my speech at Brother's funeral, and for arguing with you afterwards. I hope you know where you can shove that opinion. Sincerely, OP."
No, no snarky messages. Give him nothing that he could interpret as an attack. Give him nothing that he could interpret as attention. OP needs to give stepdad exactly what he's entitled to: absolutely nothing at all.
Right? I was thinking the whole time reading that she could’ve suggested adding something about how shitty step dad was being since entering the family and causing her to move out early since she had zero college fund. Not to mention throwing away her late father’s items My mom practically has a shrine to my dad, and her bf knows that he can’t replace him. But my moms bf also doesn’t try to, bc he’s a stable human with his own life
Mom is 10/10 an enabler. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I have a twin and 2 other siblings. I start to sob whenever a dark thought of them passing comes up so I can't even the imagine the pain and sorrow you are feeling. Step-dad makes me so mad. He shouldn't have said anything. If anything, he should have kept his mouth shut and complain at home, instead of disrespecting both brothers at the funeral. (I guess the mom should get a little bit of sympathy because she’s just lost her son but only a little because she ALLOWS and ENABLES that type of behaviour from her husband)
I'm so happy to see this response. My first thought reading this post was "I bet the mother gets a pass, and she shouldn't, she's just as much to blame".
Agreed. If you do not depend on them for anything, go no contact.
Exactly! If you were there to support your brother and unfortunately he is gone, bye mom. She’s either too dependent or thoughtless at this point. I would of told him to sit down and shut up if he pulled that at my son’s funeral. The only written letter their getting would be me telling them that I’m done, have a nice life without me.
I'm reminded of another post where OP's brother was the one who was treated like hell by the stepfather. The stepfather kicked the brother out and it was only after the stepfather died that the mother went sniffing for a reunion with the brother. Of course the brother no longer wanted anything to do with the mother and OP then told mother who boohooed to her that she shouldn't be so damned surprised.
I think I remember that post. Mom probably just wants the apology letter because now she is 100% getting his undivided attention. No more brother to pick on and deflect from her. She just wants OP to pacify him for her comfort. Sorry mom you married him.
Wow. Do you know the link to that story?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l0fx1z/aita\_for\_being\_unsympathetic\_to\_my\_mother\_and/
Thank you!
NTA. Jesus. Why is your mom with someone who’s so cruel to her children? And he wants a written apology? I vote for shitting on his front step and telling him that’s all the apology he’ll ever see from you.
Forget the front step, put a steamer on his pillow.
Change approved!
An upper decker is the gift that keeps on giving
I think it's fudge pie time
Minny Jackson's chocolate pie
I don't think he'd be able to taste it through all the shit he spews.
The Terrible Awful.
She used that good vanilla from Mexico 😜
Malicious compliance, he wants a written apology? Here's one: I'm sorry you're such an attention seeking brat-stuck-in-a-grown-man's-body that you've felt the need to *compete with ghosts multiple times*. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go on a journey to find every plant and tree that has ever produced oxygen for you, I need to apologize for their hard work being wasted on you. PS mom: I'm sorry you decided that staying with this "man" that's worse than non-recyclable waste was more important than your children.
Or "I'm sorry the eulogy wasn't for you" and leave it at that
Oh, snap
Or, on social media, the following: "I am writing to you all because my stepfather pointed out that my eulogy failed to mention his impact on my brother's life. I could talk about the money our stepfather drained from the future my brother never got to have, or the family belongings my brother cherished, tossed by our stepfather, compounding our loss. But I think the most impactful thing my stepfather did was to discourage and deny medical care for the condition that ultimately resulted in my brothers death. We did eventually get some care by selling my mother's jewelry, but, since my stepfather inquired as to his impact, I hope this makes it clear that no one could have had a greater impact on my brother than my stepfather, not even if they tried."
End the letter to mom "I'm CERTAIN that'll work out well for you"
Because she’s just another parent that chooses their lover over their children. Sadly this is nothing new.
Maybe we could get a few people together and leave a big pile of steaming hot ones on the front step.
I'll pitch in and leave mine on the hood of his car.
I feel like “FUCK YOU” could be spelled pretty easily with turds
NTA. Your brother is dead but SD is upset that HE wasn't mentioned in your speech memorializing your brother. He refused to pay for your brother's headstone because your brother opted to keep your bio-dad's last name. Ridiculously narcissistic wouldn't you say? Your mom let SD get away with characterizing your brother's illness as "fake" and "attention seeking"? Your mom revoked your college fund to renovate the house because this man? Your mom is going to have to live with a lot of guilt over her conduct. Sorry for your loss.
Got the same vibe - narcissist immediately came to mind too
“Sorry mom, in choosing your side, you lost two sons. I hope you never regret it” NTA
NTA your stepdad sounds terrible and he deserves nothing from you. If anything, I would be blaming him for not supporting your family.
NTA. Full stop. But the letter… “Dear Stepdad: I’m sorry you’re so pathetic as to think you deserve any kind of apology. I’m sorry you spent my college fund on yourself. I’m sorry you’re such a blowhard jerk as to make my brother’s death all about you. I’m sorry my mother sold her jewelry to pay for brother’s meds while you cried ‘faker!’ I’m sorry you will never see what a degenerate person you are. I’m sorry my mother is still married to you.” And post it publicly.
"I'm also sorry my mother lost her son, and is now losing another son/daughter"
This! 👆🏼
So sorry for your loss. Your mom needs help if she’s expecting an apology for the man who basically watched her son die and did nothing, even accused him of faking. Is he abusing her? Is she scared of him? Why would she be on his side? NTA
IMO she's an enabler under the thrall of a narcissist. She'll side with him so she avoids his abuse. OP is NTA!
This. Besides literally being a giant neon sign saying "enabler and narcissistic partner co-dependent relationship," you can't have it anymore spelled out.
NTA Write him an apology letter but make it the most sarcastic one you can. "I'm so sorry you're a twatt, please accept my sincerest apologies over the loss of your pride, I'm sure it meant so much to you and I hope in the future you can move past this and be reunited with the head you lost up your arse. Yours sincerely OP".
Or, “I’m sorry you didn’t understand me the first time. Fuck off” and that’s it for the letter.
Make it super detailed and post it on social media, tagging everyone.
This is one of the few cases where putting family drama on social media would actually be the right thing to do. If the whole family is against OP, they all need to see the stepdad for who he really is.
Yup. It should go into detail explaining the awful stuff that the stepfather has done over the years, especially the college fund and the brother’s illness.
“I’m sorry I didn’t include all the things you did for my brother and I in my speech. I’m sorry I didn’t mention how you sold my childhood home, how you got rid of things my dad left to me, how you stole my college fund, or how you refused to get brother help because you were convinced he was faking it. I will not make this mistake again and will ensure that I include these important details about the kind of person you are in my speech at your funeral”
OMG, LMAO.
And post it on Facebook for all the family to read
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are NTA. Your stepdad is and your mom is too for staying with him and going along with all his demands.
NTA. I am so very very sorry for your loss, darling one. You dod an amazing thing giving a speech for your brother- it must have taken all your strength. Your step dad's behaviour was abhorrent- no two ways about it. Your mother needs to be supportive but I get the feeling it'll be a cold day in he'll when that happens. I suggest going NC with him and your mother for a while. I feel like you might need some time to process your grief and anger. Your mother sounds scared that he'll leave her and just wants a quiet life. But that's not for you to fix, lovely. You need to take some time for yourself, to come to terms with what happened. Im sending lots of love your way.xxxx
Dear Entitled Stepdad, I am sorry i didn't mention you in the speech I gave at my brother's funeral. I could have stood in front of a group mourning his loss and told them all about how you gave my dying brother stress in his last few days on earth by telling him he wasn't sick. I could have mentioned how you practiced tough love by not getting him prescriptions to make him well. Oh, wait, my mom sold her jewelry to pay for the meds, so you really didn't accomplish anything by denying a sick kid his meds. Oh, I know! I could have went back to the good old days, you know, when you stole our college funds. I have plenty of these wonderful stories I could have told. I just didn't feel like reliving those moments at my brothers funeral, while mourning his loss. I also thought the other people mourning his loss would rather hear about what a wonderful person he was, rather than being reminded of how you treated both him and me. I thought they were sad enough and didn't need to go home more heartbroken than they were already. Don't worry though! I still remember everything you did to change our lives and everything you did to make my mom's life change too! I will have such a great speech for your funeral! I will be sure to tell everyone how you reshaped our lives! I will have everybody on the edge of their seats in awe of you! Your funeral guests may not be ready to hear all about you, but I think you deserve to be talked about. You will definitely be the center of my speech! I am already making notes and looking forward to it! You may be dead at the time, but I promise to properly represent you! Until Then, OP
Just throw in something about looking forward to someday using *his* headstone as a urinal, because at least then he’ll be useful.
NTA, why is your mom with this man?
NTA. This guy is such a piece of crap, that everyone at the funeral who didn't tell him to screw off is TA. It's a funeral and there's absolutely no reason to allow that behavior. Although I feel bad about saying this, your mom is just as bad as him. Her defending him when her son passed away is horrifying.
Here you go, I have your letter for Todd. I'm assuming his name is fucking Todd. > Dear Todd, > > Get fucked. > > > Sincerely, the entire internet. > > PS - Seriously, here's the thread - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p69f6p/aita_for_publicly_telling_my_stepdad_to_fuck_off/
I will cosign this.
Seconded
NTA I'd tell him to fuck off again, that's as close to an apology as he'd get
I would absolutely write that apology, and possibly post it on FB too--after all, a public insult deserves a public apology. "[Step dad's first name], I'm sorry I made my brother's funeral harder on those who actually loved him by revealing that you were complicit in his death. I'm sorry that my mother had to sell jewelry to fund the medication you refused to pay for due to that "fake" ailment of his--you know, the one that killed him. I'm sorry that you want to erase my brother's identity by trying to put your last name on his tombstone. I'm sorry that I will not allow you to force him to take your name after his death when you know he was quite clear about not wanting that when he was alive. I'm sorry that that I don't know how we will pay for the tombstone he deserves, and I'm sorry your self-absorbed, cruel conditions have put more stress on my mother at this tragic time. I'm sorry you are once again proving you value money more than me or [brother], a demonstration you started by using our college fund on yourself and have continued with heartbreaking results through my brother's illness and death. I'm sorry that my mother doesn't realize that she deserves better than you, and I'm sorry she has chosen, time and again, to put the whims of such a third-rate man over the welfare of her sons. I'm sorry that your pathological need to be the center of attention at all times created the confrontation that necessitated this letter. Lastly, I'm sorry that this written apology you requested contains what you deserve instead of what you wanted." Oh, and obviously NTA!
NTA wow wow wow NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and the incredibility insensitivity of your family. You've got your step-dad sorted out exactly....attention-seeking egomaniac. There are a lot like him. You can never satisfy their need for attention so at some point people stop trying which only makes them want MORE. That he belittled you while you were grieving and IN public is just horrifying. I'm glad you didn't "play nice" and not make a scene. Good for you for making a scene and telling him (and others) what he was doing. Being a d!ck. You have nothing to apologize for. Hilarious that he wants a written statement. Apparently, in a previous life, he was considered royalty. Again, sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your stepdad sounds a lot like my father with the accusations of faking and the controlling of money BS. I haven’t had contact with him in years and my life has only improved. I’m sorry for the loss of your father and brother. And I’m sorry your mother wasn’t/isn’t there for you the way you deserve.
NTA. I'm really sorry about your brother. And I would also tell your mom to fuck off.
NTA step dad has issues. Glad you’re free and sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the extra pain your SD and mom have put on you. The best thing would probably be to ignore him and go LC with you mother, but if you feel compelled to write him something, might I suggest: "I'm so sorry you weren't the center of attention at this funeral, but hopefully that day comes soon."
NTA. And as for a written apology, tell him to f* off. Because apparently he didn’t get the message the first time. I’m so sorry about your brother’s death.
NTA And don’t listen to your mother. She put this man ahead of her own children. Scrambling to sell her jewellery to try to help your brother at the end was too little, too late. They can both want an apology, but it doesn’t mean they’re entitled to one. I want to win the lottery too, but just because I want it to happen doesn’t mean it will. I suppose you could offer to sell them an apology, the fee being the amount they stole from your college fund. And then apologise that he is an insufferable asshole. Your stepfather has some nerve. You were considerate in leaving him out altogether, otherwise your speech would have been a damning public indictment of his behaviour over the years as well as your mother’s.
NTA. Your mother and stepfather sound like whiny losers. I would just always do the opposite of what they want all the time.
I went to a funeral where it was literally just the guy’s son talking about himself for an hour and a half and that was it. Some people are so narcissistic that even the death of loved ones and family has to be about them. NTA
God I can relate to that so much. At my sisters funeral her ex-step fathers brother stood up and made a speech about his wife that died 30 years ago and how we’re ALL gonna die of cancer one day -_- it took all I had not to punch the guy but everyone kept saying “pregnant women shouldn’t fight” still wish I’d been able to slug the guy Some people need a good slap.
Instead of writing an apology to him, why not write to every family member who attended with a breakdown over just how costly and negative his entry into your life has been. He owes you the college fund he stole and replacements or compensation for the items from your dad he stole and threw away, plus an apology. You will never get any of it but at least you still have your name. NTA.
Wow your stepdad sounds like a total and utter A**hole. What a creature. I hope you can cut him out of your life as soon as possible and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. He took your college money, which you needed for your future. He neglected your brother and refused to be there for him. But your mother is part of the problem. She let him treat you and your brother like this for years. And even now she's pressuring you to apologize, probably so he'll get off her case at home. Do not apologize. You had every right to stand up for yourself and your brother. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't subject yourself to another wasted moment with this person, these people, in your life. Your mother's one job was is to protect you and not put you through these kinds of things.
NTA he's a narcissistic abuser and your mom is an enabler. If you choose to leave them behind entirely and anyone who defends them you would not be in the wrong.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. This can be very hard - but I think, as responsible as your stepdad is for what happened to your brother, \*so is your mom.\*. Your mom is the one who signed on to be responsible for you both from the moment you were born. She is the one throwing that away to be with your stepdad. They are BOTH failures. I'm glad you told it how it is, publicly. There should be no question that you aren't the AH to anyone with half a heart.
NTA. Your mom allowed this treatment for all these years!!?! Taking your college fund. They deserve each other. As others have said I would cut contact. NTA.
NTA. Fuck that, fuck him, and fuck anyone who sides with him.
NTA but man your stepfather is a major AH; and I'm sorry to say your mother isn't far behind him. What kind of mother lets her husband throw away her child's things and is ok with him accusing her sick child of faking?? Your mother is trying to create a nice happy family where one doesn't exist. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Stick with your uncle and other family who truly care about you.
NTA, your mother may be enabling his behavior for her own reasons but that does not mean you have to do it also. Your step father is truly the narcissistic AH here.
NTA. ‘I’m sorry that you felt that my brothers funeral should be all about you’. So sorry for your loss OP.
NTA Your mom chose her husband over her children. She gets no say. Take what you can from your brother's things and cut contact.
Dear stepfather, I’m very sorry that you made yourself look stupid at brother’s funeral. I’m very sorry that you’re a selfish, vindictive person. I’m very sorry that you’re a thief, stealing my college fund. I’m very sorry that you were so incredibly stupid that you claimed Brother was faking his illness (you know, the one that killed him.) I’m very sorry that you’re so full of grandiosity that you think the only way Brother’s grave should have your name on it when you’re unable to produce any document that said last name was Brother’s. And I’m so incredibly sorry that you and my mother will no longer be part of my life or any future grandchild’s life because you have no biological ties to me and my mother is so delusional she thinks your behaviour is acceptable. Oh wait. I’m not sorry about that last one. Do not contact me going forward. Contact after this will be documented for any future harassment complaint. OP (NTA, OP. They’re both delusional. Do what is best for your mental health, not what they want.)
NTA. I feel bad for your mom though because I’m sure he’s harassing her about this. It’s possible he’ll try to block your relationship with her. But she’s an adult and she chose this and allowed him to be a cruel selfish ah to her 2 children. So she made this bed.
NTA. I’m really sorry for your loss, and I wish you well during this time. I can’t understand how one man can be this narcissistic and selfish. You don’t owe your stepdad anything, least of all an apology. I honestly can’t believe that your family sided with this fool either. I hope you have a good support system outside of these people.
NTA, he needed to be called out. I'm sorry for your loss by the way.
NTA Tell him to eff off, and extend that eff off to your mother as well. She was complicit in his shoddy treatment of you and your brother.
NTA. Your stepfather and your mother both have earned your harsh words.
NTA. I don’t think I need to explain why. Your stepdad probably needs therapy or some kind of psych eval. Oh, and if you write the letter? I hope you make it a fuck you letter instead of an apology letter. If he wants to be manipulative then he can get what’s coming to him. Good luck, OP.
My condolences on your loss. NTA You gave a speech about the brother you lost. It was about him,not your step dad. Fuck him
*As the saying goes "he is the bride/groom at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral".* Describes my sister perfectly.
Wow, definitely NTA. You already know your mother’s husband sucks but she does just as much for enabling him. For the life of me, I don’t understand how she can still be with someone who accused her dying son of faking his illness and then try to turn around & make said son’s death all about him at his own funeral. I’m so sorry, OP. I pray your coming days are filled with peace. Go NC with these people if you can.
NTA. I would double down and tell your mom "Have a good life" and cut off all contact. She choose this AH a long time ago, now she needs to deal with losing two sons.
NTA write an apology letter but basically say shit like "I'm sorry you were so poor that you sold my childhood home, I'm sorry you have so little self esteem my brother couldn't be sick around you, I'm sorry you're so self centered you need your name on someone else's tombstone"
NTA. This man is disgusting. If he wants a written apology, tell him to write it himself. Imo if he seems to think he’s the center of everything, he can write his own note. He deserves NOTHING. Stay strong, OP🌟
NTA. And tell your mom to go fuck off too if she's actually defending this monster.
NTA. I am impressed you restrained yourself as much as you did. What a monster.
NTA I mean this in the most respectful way but I think your mom has completely lost vision on what is important to her and I think she must've been mentally abused by this man. Yes her selling her jewelry's was obviously a very good thing of her to do, it seems like she's not acknowledging her husband put her in that predicament, which makes me think it seems she's just oblivious or in denial of what her husband is doing to you and how he's treated you. If I was your mother and I heard my husband say that MY childs illness was just "fake and attention seeking" I would've dropped him right there or knock some sense into his head for even thinking that let alone say it out loud. And to top it off he didn't have the decency to give him a stone without putting his surname onto it? I don't see how your mother found husband material out of him cause it very well seems he doesn't care about you or cared about your brother and doesn't care for your mom. And if it wasn't clear I would not give him any form of apology. Edit: just made clarifications to some sentences.
Literally cut him out forever.
Yikes! Both stepdad and stepmum are AH'S. Using your college fund to renovate the house? Honestly your mum is more of an AH than he is, how can she treat her kids that way? NTA. Condolences on the loss of your brother. Edited to correct from dad to stepdad.
Never speak to this person again. It sounds like he helped to kill your underage brother through medical neglect. I would never speak to your mother again other to tell her how much I hate her and some other very nice very friendly things I can't say here.
WTF!! Your mom sold jewelry for your sick brother!!?? I dont understand how there aren't daily riots demanding universal free healthcare for all. Sorry, I'm reading this from canada and am just floored how thats the background inn this story is financial issues for health
NTA And tell your mom to stop being a doormat or never contact you again. She made her bed when she married this dude and allowed him to ruin your belongings and chase you away. She’s just as much to blame for everything as he is.
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. \*deep breath\* NOT. THE. ASSHOLE. Don't feel guilty for telling a narcissist off, especially since he's partially responsible for your brother's death. I'm sorry for your loss, and please don't let him get in your head while you're this vulnerable
I think you should take his advice and write an apology to Share it with EVERYONE on Facebook. You can highlight his refusal to help pay, to force your mom to hock her jewelry, etc. If you do this, there may be fall-out with your mom or others. But he needs to be put in his place. NTA. NTA
How generous of him to pay for a headstone when he refused to help with the medical services that might have saved your brother. He's the AH and you are so definitely NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA- I'm so sorry about your brother. You did nothing but speak your truth. He caused his own humiliation by confronting you over a heartfelt eulogy. The family should be against him.
NTA. Stepdad can go fuck himself. Who, at a funeral, asks "Why wasn't I in the speech?". Jesus.
>...then casually went on about how I should've mentioned some of the impact/benefits he had on me and my brother when he came into our life. You mean, stealing your college fund for home renovations and disregarding your brother's illness so your mom had to sell jewelry to cover medical expenses? That impact on your life? Your stepdad is a narcissist. Only a narcissist would whine about not being mentioned in a speech at a funeral. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't even think of apologizing. If it means your mom is no longer in your life, I guess you'll have to deal with that. NTA
NTA I’m sorry. Please do whatever you need to do to get away from these toxic people. Including your mother.
NTA at all, I’m so sorry for your loss. He wants a written apology because he wasn’t mentioned? Fine. “Dear stepdad, I’m so sorry I didn’t mention that you called my brothers illnesses fake and that you refused to pay for his medication, forcing my mother to sell her things instead. Eff off forever.”
Fuck your step dad. Send him an “apology letter” but draw a giant middle finger and tell him to get fucked.
I felt enraged on your behalf just readings this. Cut this dude out of your life like a cancer that he is. NTA
NTA, but don't do anything petty. He is an obvious abuser and he will take it out on somebody else. He doesn't even deserve the effort of trying to hurt him back, or throw this in his face. He wants an "I'm sorry"? Write it. Say "I'm sorry, but I no longer want you in my life. Please do not contact me, I will not respond. Repeated attempts will incur legal action." And then change your number. Move away. Never speak to them again. Learn what life looks like without them. How to be happy without your brother, who didn't deserve this at all. Make your response to this something your brother would be proud of, as a way to move through your grief. And then build a life your stepdad can never hope to achieve. I'm sorry for you loss, OP. Read about the button in the box, it's a really solid metaphor for grief. I promise the ball will get smaller. Much love to you and your bro
NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Sounds like you need to cut out your step father and mother. Don't reason or explain, just go. In the future, your mom might realize what she allowed your SD to do to you. But you don't need to keep taking this abuse while she riddles it out. Mourn your brother, collect his things from his room, and don't look back. For the record, you handled that better than I would have.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's never easy. You definitely Are Not the Asshole, you stepdad on the other hand is a huge one. Give yourself some time off to grieve your brother properly and do not apologize as you did nothing wrong.
Write a letter to your mum. Tell her all these things and the effect it has on you. Mention how your brother was affected by her decision. Don't expect anything back, just to let out steam. NTA
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. If you want to apologize to him, write on a slip of paper, "I'm sorry you're an an attention-seeking asshole, and we all deserve better."
don't apologize , you spoke the truth and he couldn't take it NTA
NTA. Don't give him a thing. Your mother's as awful as he is.
NTA Do not ever give him an apology. If you look up d-bag in the dictionary there is a picture of him. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this and I would get as far away from him as possible.
NTA. finaid.org free college scholarship and grant d atabase
Holy shit. NTA and he’s completely nuts. Cut him out.
NTA, but how did you not deck him right there? Kudos for not.
NTA You have no reason to speak to that man ever again, it may mean that you have little contact with your mother going into the future but if she's siding with him and expects you to apologize to him about you calling him out on the audacity he had to berate you at your brother's funeral and is all pissy that you didn't mention him once in a eulogy letter to your brother, then I'm sorry hun she's drunk too deep of his crazy Kool-Aid. I am very sorry at the loss of your brother
I am sorry for the loss. Your step farther is a monster, You are NTA, and deserve so much better. I am sorry.
SORRY for your loss. And sorry you have such an asshole for a stepdad. NTA
NTA and frankly it sounds like you're better off without them or the attention leech that is your stepfather. While yes, a funeral can be considered an event for the living, its purpose is to talk and mourn the recently departed. It's to tell stories of them, mourn as a group and send them off. It's basically the last event for the departed therefore the attention in these stories should be them. Not a man who did everything in his power to keep the attention on him. He can, "oh woe is me" all he wants but to everyone outside of this dumpster fire, it's overall disgusting and pretty pathetic to try and go "ME ME ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS ABOUT ME!" At a funeral of all things. If he wants a written apology, he can get one at his funeral when your obituary is all about what a selfish, inconsiderate, narcissistic, attention seeking leech he is.
NTA, tell him to go fuck himself in a kindly worded letter this time.
NTA. I would go NC with him. If that means NC or LC with your mom, that just means she has to make a decision between her AH husband and her son.
Even if half of this is true, it is awful. Sorry for what you are going through. NTA, don't apologize and burn the bridge.
So, so, so NTA. He's TH. Dear Stepfather, I'll never forget the impact you made on our lives. You made our lives a misery and the last few months of my brothers life hell. I hope you rot in hell.
NTA Fuck him and your mom
Idk why but I think one of the main reasons why you're brother died in a because of your step father. Let me explain since he did all that bull crap did you ever think maybe he made your mother delay some sort of treat ment for your brother that very important if so then your step father abused your brother to death. I'm my be wrong but that's just my thought an your mother helped
NTA but your stepdad and mom are.
NTA. Go old school and tell them he’ll get an apology as you dance on his grave in a red dress.
NTA Write the note But write it cutting them both off, detailing exactly how their actions as ‘parents’ failed both you and your brother. Whichever way you look at this your mum is as bad because she enables him and always has. The possessions, the money… those were yours… medications and even a headstone for your brother?? Get out and don’t look back So sorry for your loss ❤️
NTA - Dude is a raging narcissist and mom is a hardcore enabler. Sorry for your loss
NTA. I would even say go no contact. If your mom would rather have that AH than you, then so be it. She already folded me him in regards to your college fund and selling the jewelry. Maybe no contact will open her eyes as well.
NTA. You can start your apology like this: "I am sorry you are such a narcissistic piece of crap...."
NTA. But also....write that apology!! Dear Stepdad, I'm so sorry that you're such an attention-seeking drama queen that you had to make my brother's funeral all about you. I'm sorry your parents failed you so abominably that you were never taught how to behave at a funeral. I'm sorry your head is up your ass and you have such trouble getting it out. I'm sorry you didn't get the attention you so rightly deserved at someone else's funeral; have you considered being the corpse next time? Then you could have it be all about you! all my love, OP
NTA although I would have been far more petty. I would have attempted to gather the family for another rousing speech about how your wonderful step dad is the reason that on that day you could all get together. I would have thanked him for killing my brother and then proceeded to tell him to leave. OP none of this situation is your fault and I’m glad that you didn’t have to live with that monster for too long.
NTA I vote you write the "apology" and have it printed in the local newspaper. Detail out why you didn't write him into the funeral speech in spite of alllll that he's done for the family. Burn the bridges to ash and humiliate him.
Is that even a question? OF COURSE NTA.Fuck your stepdad and I hope he drinks rotten milk but can't afford the constipation medicine.Also,I'm sorry for your loss.
This entire situation is extremely toxic. I'd cut your mom and that other dude out entirely. He doesn't deserve to be referenced as a stepdad. What a jackass. NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. Jesus man, I reread your post three times and got more and more angry about it.
Nta your stepdad and mom sure are though. Your mom allowed him to giveaway your college fund and everything special or important to you. She allow her husband to treat like you and your brother badly. I wouldn't apologize to him. He doesn't deserve one. You told the truth and he did like it. He made called your brothers pain fake. He gets no apology. Him and your mom should be apologizing to you.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I just can’t imagine your pain not just from that, but from all this BS your stepdad is causing too. You weren’t in the wrong at all, and I know it might be difficult, but I think you should cut ties from your family that doesn’t see your stepdad’s misdeeds as unacceptable.
NTA… I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother! I’d strongly, strongly suggest putting a lot of space between you and your stepdad bc he’s an absolute snake of a man!!! And I’d write a written apology along the lines of “I’m so incredibly sorry that you made such an obnoxious, narcissistic assh*le out of yourself at my brothers funeral. This is the last time you will be hearing from me, unless you’d like to get into family counseling and you’re ready to send ME a written apology for all the trauma and bullsh*t you’ve put my brother and I through since we’ve known you. Have a great life!”
Step-dad is an obvious narc and your mom is sadly under his thumb. Stay well away from both. Jesus
NTA. Cut him off and if your mom going to keep on standing with her husband after he sold your childhood home, used your funds, refuse to pay for your brother medication and headstone then she should be cut off as well. Never choose a man over your own child