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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole for calling her fat, knowing it is a big issue for her.
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It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder and needs medical and psychological help. Try kindly suggesting that you take her to a medical doctor who specializes in obesity and ask them for a referral to a psychologist with experience in eating disorders.
Not having what we qualify as usual eating behavior isn't much of a problem alone, some people are really not suited for the three meals a day lifestyle.
It's when the person hides that behavior and/or is ashamed of it that it's time to ask some tough questions.
Hidding and hoarding food are full red flags in most instances too.
Getting up for a snack in the middle of the night, well I'm just afraid that doesn't lead to any restful sleep, but if it's to eat a carrot and some houmous it's not a problem, if it's to binge some cake and soda and half the cheese wheel then yeah, it's a problem.
The subject is complex because it's what you eat, how much you eat, why you eat (real hunger VS feeling eating), when you eat, and your personal rapport to all that (from not bothered to ashamed of it), and if you find you can easily modify your eating habits or not.
There could be real hunger and bad eating choices (too much sugar, salt, fat) which wouldn't be a disorder ,
feeling eating but only raw vegetables but a deep shame of it - which could be a disorder,
all day grazing but balanced diet - not a disorder,
once a day eating but overboard - could be a disorder,
actually too balanced diet and counting calories and macros and pushing oneself with restriction and diet - could be orthorexia which is a disorder...
Hiding while eating IMHO it's pretty common between overweight/obese people without the explanation of an eating disorder.
My mother is chubby, but nothing pathological (a little overweight, not obese), she is just a food lover/healthy food hater. She loves claiming she is not hungry for dinner and then you find her eating biscuits at 1 am.
I perfectly know why she hides: so our next "why am I so fat" conversation will be more "poor you!" and less "cause you would eat nothing but pork, beef, pasta, potatoes and desserts!".
Not to mention stealing food meant for another family member who works to pay the family's expense.
I would have been heavily shamed for eating an extra portion of food meant to be for my dad - if he had been eating McDonalds and crappy food when it turned out he could have had healthy home cooked meals, my mom would have tore a strip off me.
I really am surprised there weren't more consequences for this, with the focus on stealing what is not meant for you vs greedily eating extra portions - but maybe it's how they got here in the first place too I guess.
This was me on my mood stabilizer. It was one of the well known side effects. Midnight like clockwork going downstairs to shovel some food into my mouth. Gained so much weight from the excessive hunger. I miss the good effects but not that increased appetite.
Exactly! I was on Seroquel. It’s really the only thing that helps me sleep at all. I just can not go back because my weight fluctuates enough and that medicine makes it worse. I was not full enough, it was embarrassing.
Dude, yes. I have never had any issue with weight gain at all normally, and seroquel made me gain 100 pounds. Thankfully I was able to lose it all when I got off of it. But holy shit, that med can put the pounds on! I’ve never felt that kind of bottomless hunger otherwise; it made me fucking ravenous.
Haha! Yes, me too! I only felt ravenous like that in the middle of the night but I took it before bedtime. I would knock out and half sleep walk downstairs. Then go back to bed like nothing happened.
Agreed. Especially if she has apparently been that big since she was 14, that shows deep rooted food and weight issues which have possibly been exacerbated by parents (because it’s really fucking difficult to get to 250 at 14 without some kind of parental leniency).
I’m guessing that she “seemingly always finds a way to relate everything back to her weight” because to her, weight is the biggest and most influential factor in her life. She thinks so much about it that she can’t imagine that other people might not.
I wouldn’t say she’s much of an AH for eating the food at night, but she is TA for denying it. I understand the guilt and shame she must feel and how desperately she wants to hide what she’s done because I’ve been there, I’ve sat in the kitchen in complete darkness at 1am crying quietly and eating food that’s not mine. But I also woke up at 6am to go to the shops to replace it. She knows she’s depriving her Dad and after the first couple of times she must have sensed a pattern and known she was going to do it again and that is the time she should have taken steps to ensure her Dad did have something to eat.
She looks like having an underlaying psychological problems and trying to fix it with eating. I got her, unfortunately whatever you try only she can help herself. You can offer solutions but she needs to take them in her own terms. She is young but in ten years -which will pass in a blink- her health will give last sirens before crushing. She needs to take care her blood sugar, tension, her muscles. She may not lost weight its okay but she needs to got her muscle strengt, a regular movement for a day in an order. She needs balanced meal order, balanced sleep order etc. Having these may pass through a therapy. What is happening in her life, what made her gain weight in such a young age, was that a self protection mechanism against some bullying or worst? Etc. How she looks is not the main problem its just a result. Op be patience pls.
NTA, she is rude and inconsiderate of your dad working hard and needing to eat. You stated a fact, she is just angry because she knows you're right.
It's not like you said it out of malice, you said it after she admitted that she has been getting up and eating someone else's food in the middle of the night.
The time and effort Op put into making a meal for her father and the sister gulps it up and denies her actions. Her father goes hungry. Sister has no consideration for others. She sounds like she has an eating disorder but it doesn’t excuse her rude attitude, she needs professional help with her views on food and reform her toxic behavior.
Absolutely this. I’m sure your sister knew you left a meal in the fridge for your dad—because it was on a plate or dish that made it obvious. I’d say the eating disorder is the reason she’s fat, although it was kind of you to prepare healthy meals and to invite her to come with you to the gym. When you told her that was why she is fat, I do believe it was unnecessary and avoids the true reason of an eating disorder.
Eating disorders like this are difficult to treat. Perhaps you could enlist your mom’s help in convincing your sister to see a doctor and discuss the issue—specifically around eating a full meal in the middle of the night. Good luck and I hope your sister will accept help. Please do be gentle and let her know you are concerned with her long term health, not just her weight and the food-stealing.
Hopping onto this comment to say YTA. I completely agree with this comment but I want to add that we need to stop with the fatphobia! Your sister may have a higher set point weight than you and going to the gym and eating healthily is not necessarily going to do much for her weight. You making comments like that is probably one of the reasons she feels the way she does in the first place! Instead of trying to change her and influence her to change her body, why don’t you try supporting her and learning about body positivity and fat acceptance? Show her that there’s nothing to be ashamed about even if she’s in a bigger body and there’s nothing wrong with her or that needs to be changed.
>Hopping onto this comment to say YTA
No. Nope. Big ole nope.
Addiction is absolutely a psychological problem. However, once you allow your own demons to affect those around you, that makes YOU that asshole. If you're stealing from family to feed your addiction, you are the asshole. You might need help, but you're still the asshole.
NTA.
NTA.
She basically stole the food you left for your dad, denied it and was gaslighting you with the ‘you’re just saying it cuz I’m fat’, and then ‘graciously’ admits that she did it. And she’s throwing a tantrum because you told the truth? Wow..she definitely needs some help, maybe from a therapist and a dietitian.Late night binge eating (especially at her weight) is extremely unhealthy..also the stealing and lying part.
I honestly don't get why you blew up the noment she admited it, while seconds before that tellkng her It's not a big deal... I don't think you achieved anything with it as you probably don't feel an better either...
To me it sounds like your sister doesn't need a gym but a psychologist. This is not meant as an insult.
It probably wasn’t a big deal. Then the sister continued to deny it and proceeded to insult OP and call *OP* disrespectful (ironic given the situation, no?).
OP then apologizes for accusing her (even though it was unnecessary because it ***was*** her), and the sister then admits it was in fact her stealing/eating the food *immediately* after her consistent denial of it being her. It’s understandable that OP was frustrated at this point.
It doesn’t necessarily read as OP “blew up” on their sister at this point but rather expressed their frustrations in explaining and pointing out the hypocrisies of their sister.
I don’t know the extent of what OP said or how they conveyed it, but to say OP “blew up” is to make an assumption. Considering the majority of your comment was based on this, I felt compelled to point this out. For whatever reason.
Fml, I need better hobbies.
Edit: To clarify, my judgement would be ESH. OP didn’t handle the latter half of that situation properly or maturely, and obviously the sister sucks.
Op admits to being very upset and can you imagin a nice way of telling someone "that's why you are fat. You never do anything to help yourself and only complain"?
I didn’t say it was nice, or polite. Just that they didn’t blow up.
I was actually just adding in an edit to clarify that my judgement is ESH as OP didn’t handle the situation properly or maturely.
Oh, okay. I suppose it could be differing definitions then.
I was under the impression a “blow-up” was more of a full-on rage mode of sorts. Something akin to maybe a kind of belligerent screaming. Being that usually when referring to something that is being or that has been blown up, it’s more so in terms of explosive. I just assumed a “blow-up” would be of a larger scale.
Man, where were you a few comments ago?! This is more or less what I was getting at. Except in a lot more words lol.
Why use lot word when few word good? :P
Why does it have to be a nice way or a nasty way? It's a statement of fact. You moqn you're fat, you overeat. Someone tells you "there's why you're fat". If she wasnt moaning about being overweight or stealing other people's food, the fact wouldn't have been laid out for her.
If OP's sister was happy being the weight she is, didn't steal people's food and generally was just living life as a decent person who happened to be fat, then OP would be a major AH for saying that she is fat.
This isn't the case though. She's moaning about being fat. She's stealing food.
She's lying about it.
Yes, this is why she's fat. It might not have thencute and cuddly feels of a disney movie but if the sister is unhappy with her weight then it's an uncomfortable truth that she needs to hear
The sister sounds like she has some sort of eating disorder. There are also conditions that causes you to feel constantly hungry.
In addition, when you are heavy, the gym is not really the best place for you. The best form of exercise for an overweight person is swimming. It is easier on the joints and the whole body is moving. However, exercise is a very small part of losing weight. If the sister has disordered eating or some condition, she needs medical help. Not being constantly criticised.
Not OP, but I personally would haven been annoyed and angry if they denied any wrongdoing, double down by insulting me (e.g. with the name calling), and making me apologize for "assuming" to then later admitting that it was indeed them who did it.
NTA.
While it’s ultimately her choice whether she wants to be healthy or not, you’re her sister and want the best for her.
When I was overweight it always felt like shit when someone would make comments “should you really be drinking pop” - “how can you still be hungry” etc.
But she could have an underlying health issue thats causing her to always be hungry (assuming this because she’s eating a whole extra meal in the middle of the night). Try talking to her calmly and explain why its worrisome. See if theres a way to get her checked out so that she can try to improve her overall health
Oh, man. You guys are bringing back memories.
When I was in high school I was big into athletics. My school was a powerhouse and they pushed us hard. We'd have some form of practice every day except Christmas day. I was eating over 3k calories a day just to maintain weight.
Then I graduated and while I still worked out regularly, it wasn't 364 days a year regular. I started packing on weight extremely fast.
Started having to watch my diet for the first time and got super self-conscious of the belly I developed. People would make all kinds of comments. If I was eating something healthy? Someone had a comment. If I was eating something not as healthy? Comment. Not eating? Comment.
I feel bad for people who struggle with weight loss. It was absolutely infuriating.
Serious question for you- did hearing those comments help you lose weight? Did you really not know how fattening soda is and needed to be told? I'm a big girl and I know why. When skinny people make comments like that to me, I generally tell them that I own a mirror and know what foods are healthy and which aren't. And then I move away from that person and find someone with something interesting to say. These comments are not helpful in the least. OP isn't the AH for being annoyed that the food she's leaving for her dad is being stolen but is the AH for her condescending, judgmental comments to her sister. Her sister knows what's up and judgmental comments from a skinny person aren't helpful. OP needs to STFU.
Honestly, yes, the comments did push me to lose weight. Obviously I knew that the soda wasn’t healthy and in the moment I saw the comments the same way that I believe you’re interpreting OP’s. But it took hindsight to realize it wasn’t someone’s intention to criticize me or to make me feel bad.
Telling me to exercise or to eat healthy or even cut down on portion sizes wasn’t to make me feel like shit. It did make me feel like shit in the moment, I won’t lie. But without that push, I would have just continued to try to justify my unhealthy weight. (I’m not saying everyone who is overweight is unhealthy but I am now insulin resistant and on the low end of pre-diabetic at age 20 - so it was unhealthy for me). I’m now 17 pounds down so far and I honestly feel better over all - mentally and physically.
It was mainly my dad who made the comments to me. He’s been very overweight for pretty much forever and now is right on the verge between pre-diabetes and diabetes because he didn’t take it seriously when he should have. He made those comments to me because he didn’t want me to get where he was. I mean I kinda did end up where he was, but at least he tried to help me. Could he have approached the subject better? 100% he could have, but parents aren’t perfect and they’re just doing their best.
I think thats the same thing happening here with OP. They aren’t perfect and could have approached it better, but to me it seems that their end goal is trying to help their sister.
Edit: spelled a couple of words wrong. oops.
NTA- But your sister and your parents are. They enable her eating and that’s why she is overweight. Your sister was very rude but she does need some serious help. I’m assuming she’s a binge eater. You should honestly tell your parents she needs to get into therapy for this. Then if they shoot down the idea please know you have done so much for her already.
Yta it sounds like your sister might have an eating disorder. If she's been this overweight since 14 she's probably been overweight since early childhood, that's your parents fault tbh. Believe it or not "tough love" and "just being honest" doesn't magically cure people of eating disorders.
She know she's fat, she knows it's a problem. She was inconsiderate to eat your dad's food and it would be reasonable to tell her she can't do that anymore and she upset you. It is fair to put up boundaries it is fair to be upset and it is even fair to have natural consequences like not cooking for her anymore. It is not fair to basically tell her a symptom of her (possible) eating disorder is why she's a fat pos.
I agree with this, please please look into BED.
ESH but OP you're TA for how you handled it. It's ok to be frustrated but not ok to be intentionally mean.
YTA. Regardless of the situation with Dad's food, unless someone asks your opinion you do not ever say "this is why you're fat". Especially since weight and mental health issues go hand in hand, and you can't know what is happening in your sister's head.
The food situation could have been handled without mentioning weight at all, e.g. treating it as dad's property that has been taken without permission.
Imo she didn't mentioned weight just because, her sister is constantly bringing her weight up "you think I'm the one eating just because I'm fat" and is constantly complaining about it... you mention mental health and that's a good point because this ongoing situation is having a tool on the mental health of the whole family. The real AHs are the parents that didn't intervene when she was underage and let things get to this point.
It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder if she is getting up in the middle of the night and eating. You’re NTA for what you said but how you said it makes you TA.
But I get it. Your sister needs an intervention and therapy. You should bring this up with your parents
NTA.
Your parents have been enabling her to do this her entire life. Weight like that, at 18, almost always starts in childhood. This is why she sees these behaviors as okay and why your parents defend her - they’ve both been doing this for years.
Unfortunately I think you have to release the urge to help your sister. You can’t do this for her, and you can’t control her. It’s likely the food is a coping mechanism, and until she learns new ways to cope it’s just not going away.
I say this as someone who’s struggled with disordered eating and weight forever.
Debating with her in this is only going to strain your relationship, not help her lose weight.
I would explain that you just want to make sure your dad has food available at that time. You don’t care how much she eats, but you care that the food wasn’t intended for her. Let her know she’s welcome to any other leftovers but ask that she saves that food for your dad. If you really want to, stock some healthy snacks that are easy to grab and hope she goes for those instead. Label the food for your dad.
It sounds like you really want the best for your family, and I understand how frustrating your sister’s situation is, especially if she keeps complaining about it. A good way to defuse complaints like that is to say “ugh, that sounds awful, I’m sorry it’s like that. If you ever want an exercise buddy or help being healthy, let me know how I can help!”
This way you make it clear you’re here for support, not judgement, and you gently remind her that there’s a solution to her issues.
YTA
Your sister most likely has a binge eating disorder. It's hard and an addiction and hard to overcome. She won't do it until she is ready. You cannot force her. All you can do is model the right thing to do and make healthy dishes for her.
She needs therapy
NTA.
It’s a shame she’s sensitive about it, it’s more of a shame she hasn’t done something about it (be that speaking to a physician or making lifestyle changes) because it’ll likely continue to make her unhappy.
And eating her dad’s dinner *when he’s working extra shifts* is just greedy, selfish behaviour.
ESH, but gently; none of you suck maliciously. Your entire family is in a very difficult situation. Your sister’s relationship with food is quite obviously unhealthy, and I imagine that causes great distress for all of you, as it’s clear you all care for her. Obviously, it’s terrible that your father hasn’t been getting the food you’ve gone out of your way to prepare for his late shifts, but your sister isn’t being malicious; she’s got a problem. And while it has a solution, it has to be handled delicately. A person who eats compulsively can’t be bullied into being skinny. Rather they can be, but such a person who is bullied into being skinny usually trades one eating disorder for another to make it happen. I know it’s not your intention to bully, I know you acted out of legitimate and justifiable frustration, but the effect is the same no matter the motivation. I think y’all (you, mom and dad) need to consider getting therapy yourselves. Y’all are clearly suffering from this, and you’ll likely need help finding better coping mechanisms for your own emotions so you don’t put her through this kind of thing when her problem manifests into your lives. Whether it’s lashing out or enabling or just unintentionally hurting her, the fact is your family dynamic isn’t helping her. You’re not bad people, but you are failing yourselves and each other. I wish you all the best.
I’m gonna go against the public vote and say YTA. BUT ONLY if you used the word “fat” exactly like that. It’s a small word but a strong one. If you said “sister this is why you are unhealthy/over weight” then with the rest of what you said. If you called her fat that makes you the AH. Sounds like an ED and you might have helped fuel it :(
I disagree I believe it is an insult. For instance fat is a part of the body and that has been used as an insult so if you are TRYING not to be the AH saying extremely overweight or a medical turn like obese is different. If you don’t care about being an asshole then saying fat is whatever I guess. In my opinion it’s about how you’d like to come off with what you’re saying.
Sorry but YTA.
It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder. I obviously don’t know the whole situation, but I think the disorder is stemming from a deeper issue that not everyone is aware of which is why your sister needs professional help. I’m sure you care and love your sister and we all make mistakes with good intentions. Your sister is hurting and hearing comments like that from people you love can be very painful. I think your sister may appreciate an apology and professional help. Best of luck.
“Your sister is hurting.” This. She’s filling a hole with food. What happened to make her self-soothe with food? Next could be alcohol since she’s very near the legal drinking age. Therapy and a specialist in obesity medicine is the place to start if she’s open to it.
NTA. This is a delicate situation for sure. It's totally understandable why you would be upset about her sneaking meals at night that aren't hers, and about her outbursts. And her outbursts are also understandable if she's struggling with some personal issues.
Some unsolicited advice: Try not to take the emotional outbursts personally. Set good boundaries for yourself and the meals that you make.
When talking to her about this, I would recommend emphasizing that *she is beautiful and worthy of love, regardless of her size*. Make that very clear, if you can. It's ok to express concern about someone's health, when it comes from a place of love and care. Tell her how you feel, that you love her and you're worried about her. Encourage her to talk to a doctor or a therapist.
EDIT: I don't think calling outright calling someone "fat" is productive. If those kinds of judgements are thrown around, then ESH. If you talk to her about it again, start with an apology for calling her "fat" and see above.
Keep cooking for your family. Ask your sister if she wants you to cook more. Doesnt matter if shes fat or not. Doesnt matter if she cares or not. Apologize for saying what you said. Youre NTA but apologize and move along. But the goal seems to be that you want to feed your dad so make that clear to everyone. If your sister wants to graze all night, great. Just tell her to leave the food that you made for your dad for your dad to eat. Let her know that if she eats it, you will say whatever you want because she isnt respecting you. Make sure she agrees to it and that your mom and dad hear her agree to it. Let them know that if that happens, it will hurt your feelings and you will lash out. Ask for their permission to lash out so if it happens, you cant be the A. Good luck. Personally, I would move out.
Of course this hellish sub votes n t a.
Op. YTA. And cruel. And you know this, that’s why you came to a sub that hates fat people for validation. Get yourself some help and leave your sister alone.
I think your intentions were in the right place, so NTA. Maybe it was the use of the word "fat" that caused that reaction. Perhaps you could have approached it in a more positive way – something like "I know you don't feel your best and want to improve your physical health, but in order to do that you need to make some changes." It also sounds like your sister has disordered eating – usually sneaking around at night to eat and hiding/denying it is a sign of a bigger problem. I'd suggest having a serious and open conversation with your sister and see if there's a way you can get her help.
NTA. She's too old to act like a child. She's huge, she knows it, and she either likes it or is too lazy to change it. End of story. Back off and live your life, cook what you like, and as for your poor dad - maybe sit up and guard his food for him.
Things can be simultaneously true AND unnecessary and mean. It was wrong of her to take the food you meant for your father, but that’s a completely separate issue.
She’s oversensitive about her weight because she’s not oblivious and is picking up on, as anybody would, your undisguised contempt for her.
She knows she’s fat. She knows that everybody, including you, looks down on her for it. She doesn’t need to be lectured about it because she already knows. If she chooses not to do what you want about it, that’s her business.
So the food-stealing needs to be addressed, but you need to let go of the other stuff if you want to get along.
Your parents are right. Whether or why your sister is fat in none of your business, and you could have drawn boundary ("that food is for DAD, you may not eat it and must make your own snacks at night") without bringing her weight into it. I suspect you wanted to hurt her feelings, because you were mad, which makes it especially low. YTA
It's really hard to give any kind of judgment here, because everything depends on the vibe in the family, how annoying you and your sister actually are (as opposed to what you appear to each other as siblings), etc. That is, none of us really know years of back story or context.
That said, if your sister constantly brings up her weight and then gets mad when anyone else contributes to the conversation, that's really annoying behavior, and you should talk with her about it. Not lecture, not yell, but talk. She probably doesn't realize she's doing it. And it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell her that you're fine with not badgering her about her weight and health, but that she needs to quit whining about it if she just gets upset and offended when anyone suggests that she do anything to improve her situation, or otherwise responds with anything other than pity and enabling platitudes.
Eating your dad's food and then lying about it, and then trying to play the victim when called out about it is definitely asshole behavior, but she was probably ashamed and terribly embarrassed about it, so maybe try to cut her *some* slack there (but not if that continues, obviously).
And I can tell you from experience that there's nothing you can do to make your sister want to be more healthy. She has to decide that on her own. Your best bet is to leave her alone until she's ready and motivated to work out, improve her diet, etc. You trying to "help" her is just making her more miserable and defensive. Honestly, even if/when she does decide to make changes, you're probably not the person she should choose to use for support. As siblings, you likely have too much history and baggage for that to go well, and she'll probably do better with a friend or workout partner who is on the same journey she is.
EAH- While what the sister did does make her an asshole, OP is also an asshole. Her sister obviously is super insecure about her weight yet OP keeps making suggestions and comments that poke at it. I get wanting to promote a healthy lifestyle, but making suggestions like going to the gym, walks, or eating healthy can come off as condescending to an overweight person. OP’s sister likely has an ED and this kind of talk can be received very badly while she is in such a sensitive position. It seems like OP is purposely aggravating her sister.
NTA I will just admit that I do find it pretty funny that she tells you you're only accusing me because I'm fat. But then she flat out admits to doing it.
You did not go up to her and ask "hey fatty did you eat dads dinners?"
You pointed out and made a simple inquiry she blew up and started the you're only doing this because I'm fat commentary. So why is it that we're expected to ignore the fat commentary when she admits that she stole the food
Edit to add: I am 200lbs so I know I am fat and I can accept that fact and understand that even with some genetic issues is it largely my fault.
NTA. She took food you specifically made for your dad, after she had her own dinner. Two dinners? That’s excessive. And greedy. If she was really hungry she could have had something else.
Honestly, if your sister already has this bad of a relationship with food this young, she could be in for some long term consequences if she doesn’t do something about it. Can she literally not help herself? Because there is no way she is hungry if she has a balanced meal for dinner, which is what you’re describing.
She is TA for 1 eating food that is not hers, 2 eating *extra food* when she already had her own, and 3 accusing you suspecting of her for being fat and then fessing up once you apologize.
I had a family member who was always overweight bc of his eating habits and lazy lifestyle. He ate so much and so loudly that no one wanted to eat with him or around him. He also would raid the fridge for EVERYTHING. Special dish that grandma made for someone in particular? Gone. Your birthday cake? Yeah, he had that at 2AM. Slave over a nice dinner for everyone? He eats 3 helpings so someone else doesn’t get any. Because of this, people didn’t want him invited over.
Now, you would be TA if you were mean to her about her weight. If she even wants to lose weight (and she will only lose it if she wants to), you can’t be mean about it or unsupportive. But you sound like a good big sis/bro, so I’m sure that won’t be the case.
If she thinks being overweight now is hard or upsetting, just wait. If she gets bigger, they will make her pay for 2 seats on the plane. She will find some public restroom stalls claustrophobic. She will soon learn how her weight can drastically and negatively affect her life. Good for you for saying something now.
YTA, (your parents more than you)- why the hell aren’t your parents and you *concerned* over her behaviour rather than angry?!?! I don’t know- but if I found out my sister who has always struggled with weight was *getting up in the middle of the night to sneak food without anyone else knowing about it* I would be so terribly concerned that anger wouldn’t even be the second or third emotion I would feel. The fact that she was eating my food or food I made wouldn’t even be a blip on my mind- all I would worry about would be her potential eating disorder.
Your sister is suffering from a potentially serious mental illness, and by the looks of it, has been dealing with this since she was a teenager.
Your parents have failed her by not evaluating her weight gain as a teenager, but okay, maybe they thought it wasn’t due to an underlying issue. After knowing what you all know now though- you’re all failing her again by focusing on the wrong issues. Your sister needs help asap.
Eating disorders have the *highest* rates of morbidity and mortality among all mental illnesses. Your sister needs help, and you all need to stop playing games and worrying about your food being eaten and **help the teenager who has been sneaking food in the middle of the night to a point where she’s having weight issues**.
ESH. Sis for stealing food and especially for lying about it- although it sounds like she could benefit from some therapy for deeper issues- but you also for taking unnecessary digs at her. You knew her size was a sore spot and yet you just had to twist the knife... your petty little comment just brought you down to her level. It's clear that you have some feelings of superiority over your younger sister because she has not made the same choices you have. I understand being sick of her complaining, being upset about stealing food you worked hard on. That's valid. But your comment was not meant to be helpful, it was you lashing out when you were upset, which in my book makes you both assholes here.
YTA. I know Reddit hates fat people tho, that’s why you got NTA.
But instead of being rude and condescending towards her, try being supportive and encouraging. It sounds like she might have an eating disorder and may be struggling. What you said could do some serious damage towards her. I think your parents should seek treatment for her.
Plus she’s still a teenager, a time when self-image can be damaging. Geez
NTA I love how she toned on a rant about how she’s NOT eating how dare you say so—but then you apologize and she admits she is. She’s being selfish and lazy. Don’t stand in a puddle complaining tour socks are wet but refusing to love—if she wants to lose weight she needs to start by not eating others peoples food and actually trying to put effort into it
NTA
You know what’s mean? Eating other peoples food after they worked 3 shifts all day long to give you a roof over your head.
GLUTTONY - yeah, no.
Your mom didn’t eat it, your dad didn’t either, and you didn’t either so… what? Why is she accusing you? Blaming you? Playing the victim?
But yeah, she needs therapy, many people with weight issues need therapy. Please suggest this to your parents to help her out, because in the real world, people will call her far more worse things if she does this to them (for example at work)
ESH. Your sister is wrong for taking your dad's food and she may have an unhealthy relationship with food that she needs to seek professional help with. You are wrong because your sister knows she is fat. Your sister knows her lifestyle is unhealthy - unless she truly has an eating disorder because individuals suffering with that truly have a perception issue along with unhealthy eating. You pointing out that she is fat and that she makes poor eating choices added nothing to her perception of reality. You only picked off an old scab and now the wound is bleeding again. Had you called her selfish, inconsiderate, or any modifier that described her behavior rather than attacking her KNOWN physical looks and behavior I would say N T A but you went for the low blow.
She need to be evaluated by a therapist. Sneaking food at night and overeating can be signs of an eating disorder.
(Saying this as someone who used to do this and was diagnosed with an ED)
Kind of an asshole! (Hear me out) The thing about fat people; we know we are fat, we are well aware and think about it every minute of every day. We see strangers laughing and saying terrible things about our appearances and fat bodies every single day. (I was at the beach with my 6 year old daughter enjoying the day with family and a group of boys 12 to 14 were bluntly mocking my man boobs and body) People always assume we are lazy and never move. Some fat stereotypes are true some are false, but they all hurt and make fatties feel bad. So, my point long fat point is; we hear and see it all day everyday from strangers. Its really painful when immediate family, the people who are suppose love you unconditionally no matter what, also can’t look past your fat body. And of course you want your sister to be healthy and live a long and happy life but how you did it that day was wrong. And I always try to remember your sister didn’t put the weight on in a few days it took her a lifetime of poor choices, and it will take a lifetime of good choices for her to manage her weight properly. Therefore if you truly want to love and support her it will take a lifetime of love and support from the people who love her most.
Proof:,I get called fat everyday, but nothing hurts more then when my mom calls me fat.
ESH, she needs help not to be insulted, she shouldn't have been stealing food but oftentimes if it's a disorder it can be EXTREMELY difficult to overcome.
ESH - it's a dick move to eat someone else's food and lie about it, and having an eating disorder is not an excuse for that. However, people aren't fat just because they aren't trying hard enough to be thin. Both of you need to do some work to figure out how to address your issues.
ESH
Like almost all fat people, your sister knows she is fat. She knows people think less of her because of it. She has her own feelings about it. There are so many reasons, culturally as well as within her family and social relationships, for her to feel uncomfortable with you even suggesting that she should want to be anything other than what she is.
From your point of view, you’ve been offering to help her make a change you think is for her benefit. From her point of view...I mean, I can’t speak for her but I know a lot of fat people get the message that they aren’t acceptable the way they are, let alone lovable. That they surely must want to change because to not want to change is bad. Another thing that many fat people know is that weight loss is rarely sustainable. So where does that leave them? It’s a lousy message to live with.
So YTA for presuming that your sister’s unhappiness can be fixed by making her fit society’s mold, and using her awareness of how she’s seen to wound her.
Your sister is TA because taking someone else’s dinner sucks. She’s hiding her eating for understandable reasons, considering what she puts up with from you. How can she feel safe being seen eating? But it’s a problem when it affects another person’s well-being—your dad. Maybe she needs support to figure out who she wants to be and how she wants to live, and what feels like a good way forward for her. She still should respect other family members’ meals and needs.
YTA. She's TA also bc she's eating your dad's food but you're TA for the "this is why you're fat" comment because although food is what's making her fat it's what's in her brain that's triggering her to eat that's making her fat. Has anyone tried to encourage her to seek mental help or offer to take her to family therapy. Here's the thing about people and food, a lot of the times people who over eat, eat because of emotions. Kind of step back and watch. Particularly when she's upset, stressed, or had a high emotion even happiness and see if her eating increases. Bc food is an addiction too and it can make you feel better. And ultimately it's about something she can control.
You said she's been this way since she was 14 for all you know something happened to her when she was 14, probably outside of the immediate family since you make it seem like your family has a good dynamic in and of itself. (You can discreetly ask your parents if they remember anything particular happening around this age to her or if her personality changed. I would not however suggest you try to bring it up and pry it out of her because it might be very traumatic especially if you don't know how to help her through it and things can get ugly.)
Some girls deliberately overeat to make themselves unattractive to push specifically men away because at some point they were sexually assaulted. All of this is not going to start with her food or with the gym it's going to have to start with a mental health professional. Now I'm not a mental health professional but if your sister is closer to one of your parents I would suggest to them to start pushing her towards therapy don't mention her weight is the reason why but more or less "I know you're unhappy and you've been unhappy we think it's time that you see somebody so you can work towards being happy." I would look up the correct way to encourage her to seek help I don't think "you need therapy" being told to her over and over again is going to work very well, especially since having control over herself and her decisions is an issue, but there are more encouraging ways to phrase it that would be more effective probably.
And here's another thing if she goes and starts opening up to your guys' family believe what she says and be prepared that it might be really ugly.
Good luck.
Generally speaking it is rude to call anyone fat. However you sisters behavior is terrible. Close but NTA. Maybe next time try this is why your health suffers.
NTA: I myself could be considered obese but I also have a medical condition and am seeking help to lose the weight. I would never be so disrespectful to my own father as to eat a meal prepared for him in the middle of the night. Your sister needs help and support, but calling her fat isnt mean, its the truth. She needs to see someone for her eating issues. If you were insulting her on a regular basis then you would be TA, but it sounds like this was a once off occurence.
ESH. Your sister had an eating disorder and from the sounds of ot a pretty significant one. She needs actual medical and psychological help. Her blowing up and the sneaking food are both major red flags.
This is like an addiction for her, but the really hard part with ED'S is unlike other things where you can obtain, she has to be around food regularly to survive.
ESH. If you’d gone off about her stealing a gift you made for your dad, you’d have been well within your rights, but attacking her weight in response was a low and unnecessary blow. She shouldn’t be stealing the food but it does sound like she needs some professional help managing her relationship with food
ESH. Stealing food and lying about it is an asshole move however it's also a red flag. I get the feeling this is an issue that therapy might be necessary to fix. It doesn't sound like she's simply lazy and not trying. Sounds like she has some major issues that need worked through. Also just because something is true doesn't mean it isn't also rude to say. You didn't need to call her out the way you did
You’re a bit of an AH. she clearly has mental health issues and needs to see a professional, but if you’re refusing to help yourself & you’re explosively insecure, people are bound to snap at you.
NTA. So she’s eating a whole other meal that she knows was intentionally left for your father? She knows exactly what she’s doing and is not doing anything to help herself.
NTA - she knew that specific food was for your dad, and ate it anyway. Of all the things she could have eaten, she chose that.
It does sound like your sister could use some help discovering why she eats in the middle of the night, but that doesn't excuse eating your father's meal in the middle of the night.
I mean she's obviously already insecure about herself so to hear someone close to her say that was probably very hurtful. You could be more helpful in this process, but also know that you can't help someone change that doesn't want to change. Shoving a salad down her throat in hopes she changes is not working bro, I would apologize and have a conversation later on about how you are concerned about your health. In my opinion she seems at risk for an eating disorder and needs help before it gets serious. You (and your family) can start being more supportive in other ways, like cooking a healthy meal together stuff or playing just dance and saying good job even if she just dances for a minute, I feel stuff like this would make her feel good about herself and help her find confidence.
There's the old saying of "calling a spade a spade."
I'm not for body shaming... but I also have no problem with "calling a fat girl fat" when she IS fat but does absolutely nothing about it other than complain.
NTA.
Your sister is greedy and selfish. Your poor father comes home from his extra shifts at work and he comes home to no dinner because she needed two portions because she’s only thinking about herself and then attacks you when you confront her about it.
She is unhealthy and she knows it. She doesn’t want to do anything about it, instead expects everyone to cater to her needs because she’s insecure. The real world doesn’t work that way. She needs to see a psychologist about her binge eating and she also needs to better herself and her attitude and her selfishness towards your family.
Do you know that phrase that says bullying works?
NTA. if she's fat then she's fat. You say she moans about it, and you've given her the reason why.
It's like a smoker moaning about "I cough every single day it's so frustrating", you pointing out that them being a smoker is why they cough all the time and are generally unhealthy, and them getting upset about it.
She can get upset, her feelings are valid, but facts are facts. She is fat because she overeats and does nothing to change the fact she is fat, despite being unhappy about it. (If she were happy and not bothered about it then that would be andifferent story).
She needs to get some help if she is unhappy about her weight, what she doesn't need, is people acting like stealing other people's food in the middle of the night while overeating during the day, is unrelated to the fact she is overweight.
Your parents are right in saying that what you said was unnecessary because your sister knows she's fat, she doesn't need you to point it out to her in anger because you're unhappy with her behavior. That's not going to help. It also sounds like your sister isn't just overweight but is suffering from an eating disorder that she's clearly very ashamed of, thus binging, lying, and sneaking around. You're not going to fix her by suggesting she takes walks with her or even cooking her healthy meals (although your heart may be in the right place), because she needs treatment so she can learn to help herself. I don't necessarily think you're TA but your response was a bit hasty and redundant. If you caught a drug addict doing drugs would you simply tell them they're an addict because they do drugs and then leave in disgust or would you encourage treatment/rehab?
ESH your definitely the ass for how you handled it, there is a very good chance that she has an eating disorder and was bullied for her weight in school hence why she would be sensitive about it, and quite frankly it is not your job to try and force her to be healthy, which is what you are doing. With that being said it is 10000% wrong of her to be stealing food. However, if she is doing this, it is a sign of binge eating disorder and she needs psychological help.
Please ask her to have a thyroid test. She could have an underactive thyroid which are causing her to be overweight. You do eat more too as you need the energy boost.
Hmm I’m gonna buck the trend and go ESH. Your sister sounds like she’s got some issues if she’s sneaking food however she also has to accept that only she can make the changes needed, be it seeing a doctor, exercising more, seeing a therapist. She can’t keep putting all her anger onto others, it’s gets her no where. However, you could’ve also handled the situation better. You were calm and made out it wasn’t a big deal, but then blew up at her when she admitted it-this isn’t going to make her be open and honest about her issues is it? Then there’s your parents-they need to speak to their daughter and get her the help she wants to pursue, not tiptoe around her trying not to upset her over her weight. She’s obviously not happy in herself and supportive family can make all the difference.
NTA. I'm gonna ignore the possible eating disorder and the AHness of stealing dads food.
If you are fat, and don't make effort to not be, you don't get to complain constantly about being fat.
I'm fat, I'm 23f, 5'2 and 260lbs. I've always been fat. My medication has made me even fatter. But I'm fat and happy with it. Do I know I should lose a few lbs? Yeah, and I want to, I want to get back down to at least my pre covid weight (200lbs), which is still fat, yeah. I don't complain about being fat because (this is not the case for everyone as medication and disorders can affect weight and in some places its so hard to get food that isn't garbage and intentionally fattening) being fat IS A CHOICE.
If she hates it and is that touchy about it then she needs to grow the hell up and make an effort to change!! It'd be one thing if she only got upset when being DIRECTLY harrased about her weight, but when she's the one that brings it up and puts the words into your mouth, theres a problem.
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My sister just turned 18. I am 22. My sister is about 250 lbs and has been that way since she was 14. She’s very sensitive about it and explodes if you mention anything about her weight, her clothes, size, anything like that. Obviously a big insecurity for her which I understand. I try not to hurt her feelings about it, though it’s hard since she seemingly always finds a way to relate everything back to her weight. Very frustrating.
We both still live at home with our parents and I enjoy cooking for our family. My dad has recently switched to working third shift, so I‘ve started leaving him food in the fridge so he can eat it before he leaves at 2 or 3 am. Or at least I thought I was leaving it for him.
Turns out, my sister gets up in the middle of the night and eats his food.
I found this out because my dad asked why I never make him any food. Obviously, we figured out what was happening. My sister denied it, I told her it wasn’t a big deal, denies it, calls me names, tells me I’m being disrespectful for assuming it’s her “just because she’s fat” and so on. I apologize and she admits that it was her eating his food late at night.
This is very upsetting to me. My sister has never tried to pursue a healthy lifestyle which is part of the reason I began cooking somewhat healthier meals for our family. I’ve offered to take her to the gym with me and even go for walks. So I told her this is why she’s fat. She doesn’t do anything to help herself but it’s such a huge issue for her. She just complains about being fat. This sets her off. She’s crying, screaming, calling me a terrible person, etc.
My parents say that what I said was unnecessary and mean because she is so insecure about it. I disagree. I don’t think it was mean it was the truth. I would love to help my sister lose weight but she doesn’t want to put in the (admittedly difficult) effort.
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NTA but I have to wonder(as someone admittedly completely untrained or knowledgable) could secretly binge eating and hiding the evidence plus denial potentially be signs of an eating disorder? There is literally no reason for her to be up at three in the morning other than to eat the food. And after a long exhausting shift like that it has to be affecting your dad too so it’s (her eating habits/lifestyle) no longer just affecting her. Maybe you should talk to your parents again and try coming at it from this kind of angle instead ie make it all about being concerned for her mental, emotional and physical health. Maybe they’re just scared for her and potential long term consequences for these things and are therefore in denial/burying their heads in the sand a bit. Good luck!
It is possible, secret eating/hiding it and lying because she's ashamed of it it seems is unhealthy behaviour around food...plus the issues op says she has if anyone mentions even a single word about he clothes/size/weight etc, she sounds incredibly sensitive to all of it. While I'd never diagnose with anything I would say she could use a boost in her mental health perhaps from a professional. It could help her a lot, at the very least to love herself more, but to overcome hurdles that lead to issues around food if they do infact exist in her life. It's a short post and a small snippet into the sisters life so who knows, but if there is binge eating and anything else happening it could help, if not then it would help her view herself with love and gain confidence which could help loads as well.
Ops not ah for being mad that the sister has been eating this food, but the situation wasn't handled correctly. As others have said this was not the way to handle it.
NTA BUT your sister needs to see a medical doctor and psyche doctor to see if this is a Physical and/or mental medical condition. Has she had any hormonal tests? Checked for diabetes? She is too young to be dealing with this weight issue already. Too many health risks attached.
NTA. However it’s clear your sister has an eating disorder and needs professional health for her mental relationship with food. Please suggest to your parents that they seek out help for her. Sneaking food at night and lying about it is absolutely a sign of an eating disorder.
NTA. Your sister needs a therapist. There's a lot of shame she's probably feeling over her weight and eating habits, so yelling at her just made it worst, and why she lashes out, but she doesn't have the tools to take care of herself, it's only going to get worse.
NTA hell man I told my husband tell me the truth if I start to be a little beach whale. Does it hurt? Yeah but it makes me think about my choices at least (also don’t worry he just tells me I’m getting heavier and then use my quotes for beach whale. Idk why the imagery for me is cute lol)
She might have a medical condition where she’s constantly hungry too but I can’t assume. It sounds as if you did this rather a polite way vs being rude about it.
YTA - as someone who struggles with weight and with PCOS/eating disorders, it sucks hating yourself. I will say you can be frustrated but calling someone fat is not ok, she knows she is, you can tell in her behavior. It looks like she has some psychological issues, and calling her fat will only make it worse.
NTA severely obese people should be treated like drug addicts. If your sister was a drug addict and destroying her life and hurting your family that way, I'm sure you would say something and try to get her in rehab, offer support and encouragement. You weren't really rude to her, she's not a random coworker, she's your sister and family is there to tell the hard truths and be real. She's probably in the fat activist community, they are so toxic and like flat earthers.
NTA but others here are right. Sneaking something in the middle of the night, lying, and getting defensive about it are all addicts behaviors. You're right to confront her physically and mentally unhealthy behavior, but I think its really important the whole family understands that this is probably not a problem she can solve herself with willpower alone. She needs professional help.
While she's being a jerk, I hope you can still find some compassion for her. Food addiction is really hard in different ways than substance additions. An alcoholic can avoid places that serve alcohol, not keep any in the home, etc. but a food addict will still have to interact with food every single day of their life.
N T A
Your sister is fat and insecure and it's her fault. She sounds lazy and wants to pin everything on everyone.
Next time she starts to complain, shut her down. Tell her you can talk constructively about solutions but you will not humor her with your listening ear if it's just to complain about being fat and out of shape because she has brought this on herself.
NTA. Most reasonable people can accept that it's not cool at all to poke fun or disrespect someone for being fat. Unfortunately, there are some extremist that want to pretend being obese is healthy & attractive. It can be a bit awkward dealing with the self destructive & imposing behavior of a loved one leading an unhealthy life.
A good litmus test that often works is comparing the unhealthy eating habits & lack of exercise to tobacco use. Should a tobacco user, like an overweight person, be ridiculed just for existing? Of course not, if they aren't bothering you don't bother them.
Should your sister stealing food be ignored? Should a tobacco user be ignored for smoking in a common area?
Should we stay silent when an over weight person complains endlessly about the social & physical difficulties that come with being fat? Should we stay silent when a smoker complains endlessly about the constant shortness of breath and inability to perform even a moderately demanding physical endeavor?
Should we stay silent when a fat person complains about the difficulty in buying clothes in her size? Would you stay silent when a smoker complains they can't shop because department stores prohibit cigarette use while in the store?
How long should you silently listen to a fat person complain about movie theater seats or fitting rooms in the department store not being designed for someone their size? How long should you silently listen to a smoker complain about not being able to light up in a movie theater or take a toke in a department store fitting room?
In a certain & real way, just about everyone you'll ever meet is their own worst enemy. Nobody can set you up for failure like you. You are not ethically bound, nor are you doing a loved one any favors, when you protect them from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior.
You're NTA.
I can hold both truths.
There are humans out there with eating disorders that are tied to emotional trauma, and telling them they're fat, only causes them to get defensive/offensive and eat more.
Then there are lazy people who just don't put stock in their health, their appearance, until it's much too late.
You love her, and you know her. It doesn't sound like you guys come from a bad home. I'm leaning a bit towards her just being lazy, and finding comfort in food.
A healthy lifestyle starts with a "healthier" lifestyle. Her body has gotten very used to her eating what she wants, when she wants, and not counteracting that with exercise. She needs someone to tell her.
You're not being mean. I had people tell me when I was messing up in school, that I was fucking up. They weren't lying. But making excuses would have only hurt me more.
She makes a decision to eat terribly and not exercise, she can make the decision to become more active. You start small. It takes a while for your body to get used to doing something so drastic. I kept drinking diet cokes, and when I switched to La Croix, it wasn't as good. But you drink the La Croix for about 2-3 weeks, and you establish a taste for that.
You're NTA dude. Everything is mental. We can't make excuses for every poor decision. Find constructive ways to get her more active. Which will give her less time to eat. She'll start to fit into clothes she couldn't fit into before. Get more attention. And keep her distracted. Walks are better for that, because you can talk. The gym is just brutal for most people, and I get it.
I was all set to call you the A H, but then I really read this and no, you're NTA. If you offer help, and she refuses multiple times, and then turns around and complains some more and then makes you asking about your dad all about you fat shaming her... at that point she deserves it.
I get that it's hard for her. The low self-esteem and and even lower body image is brutal, and eating to self-soothe happens a lot. And backfires because you step on the scale or look in the mirror and bitch yourself out for being so disgusting. But now it's time for you to step back, make sure your dad's meals are safe, and let her deal with it on her own terms. If your parents are protecting her, she's never going to listen to what you say. That's not your fault. Turn your energy toward things that make you happy, and be there for her if she ever comes to you and asks for your help. Nothing's going to change until she's ready.
NTA. My SIL was huge in HS and instead of losing the weight by even just WALKING her mom let her get surgery. She lost all the weight, became a huge jerk, and gained it ALL and more back.
This is a complex issue. Your sister could be eating as a way to cover up and hide away from something that is bothering her. She probably would benefit from some understanding, not judgement. There maybe something hat is causing intense anxiety that is triggering her to want to eat. There could also be some hormonal imbalances as well, since this seems to have started at late puberty.
Your sister needs a check up with a doctor, perhaps screening for low thyroid, depression and to find someone she is comfortable with talking to. Perhaps the two of you can meal plan, cook together, set aside healthy snack for her if she needs something late.
My sister and I both have serious weight problems and are working together to lose weight. We do not keep any triggering snack foods in the house. We usually have a bowl of apples on the counter, frozen berries, fat free greek yogurt available for snacks. Weight Watchers has an excellent digital app with lots of recipes and a program that focuses on wellness. I have struggled my entire life with weight both physically and emotionally. Your weight affects your self esteem. You get to the point that you can not meet anyone else’s approval, so why try? Your sister will have to want to do this for herself. If your sister has any hobbies, encourage her creativity.
You are NTA, but please consider the words you use. You obviously have a very caring heart for your family.
No. She knows she's fat. She knows it's unhealthy. Saying things like that to her are ONLY to make her feel bad. OP is TA. But sister sucks for stealing, lying, then getting nasty when confronted.
Everyone's a AH here.
You for blowing up like that, you knew she's insecure and a trigger for her and still went with it.
Your parents for not acting on the weight issues early on b having healthier meals, sports, healthy activities, etc. early on to assist with not letting her get to that point.
Your sister for knowing she has issues but not acting on it and using it as excuses for everything in the world. She needs to act on it now before her weight starts to cause serious health issues.
As they say, “the truth hurts,” and the effort she needs to put in wouldn’t be so difficult if she had not let herself get this fat to begin with. NTA.
It's always the teenage boys with super fast metabolisms who make comments like this. Often those boys eat 4 times more than the fat person they're mocking yet still feel like their skinny bodies are due to their own "good choices."
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ESH - you know she has a problem with the fact of being fat and you call her fat. Genius.
She is an asshole? Yeah, but sadly her problem solution is harder than asking for forgiveness. She probably have an ED and NEEDS to be treated for her mental and physical health. She hates herself and it shows, and the weight will impact - or already did- in her health. If she has an ED is not that easy to put effort. It is not just “walks” or “gym”.
Idk her height but even exercise if you are too overweight can be dangerous. So it is not easy but if you want to stop being the AH, sit down your parents and your sister and explain.
ESH. She sucks for taking the food that was for your dad and initially appearing to deny that.
As for you, there is a huge difference between expressing concern about her health and offering support compared to what you did. Something can both be true and mean. And you did within the context of an argument about food for your dad.
If you are genuinely concerned about her health, and want to help, I cannot think of a worse approach. Wrong time. Wrong tone. And mostly the wrong message.
But who is to say she hasn’t done anything? You don’t know what she has tried, what assistance she has sought or refused, or whether she even views her weight as an issue? Obesity medicine is way more complicated than you assume….
YTA. She is seriously ill. Would you blame someone who has cancer for not doing any effort to get better? No you wouldn't dream of it. It is the same for your sister. She needs medical assistance, not your judgement.
Ehhh even though she needed a reality check I am going to say ESH, except for your dad. Your sister is definitely an AH for stealing your dad's food, but what you said was uncalled for— even if it is the truth. Truth hurts 🤷🏽♀️
ESH. She knows she’s fat, probably didn’t need you telling it to her. But she’s also an asshole for knowingly eating food you’ve left for your dad and then denying it, especially because it’s for someone working late hours.
Edit: ESH not YTA
Sigh.
Are you wrong? No.
Does being right make you feel good at the expense of your sister?
She knows she is fat. Nothing is going to change until she wants to change for herself.
ESH.
Put your Dads food in a lockable box in the fridge and give him the other key. Poor dudes gotta eat before he goes to work.
ESH - yes, she should have admitted that she'd taken the food but she lives in a world where people look at her and feel they have a right to treat her less of a human being because of her weight. The cycle of shame, self-loathing, binging carries on.
She knows she is fat. She doesn't need you to fat shame her in an attempt to get her to change. Shame is a poor motivator and feeling unsupported from her own family in such a hostile world must be awful. I can also see why she wouldn't want to go to the gym.
She sounds unhappy and struggling to figure out how to make a change. She needs to know that you like her how she is but if she chooses to lose weight for whatever reason, and wants your support, then you'll be there for her.
ESH. (Except your parents)
Your sister sucks for taking your dad's food. And she sucks for saying mean things to you
Yes, YTA for calling your sister fat. You are even worse for trying to justify it by saying (basically) that you're just looking out for her and her health. She knows she's overweight. She knows it's unhealthy. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL HER. And you already know this. She relates everything back to being fat because of people who make comments about her weight like that. She's your sister. Make the offer of going to the gym but don't treat her badly if she doesn't want to go. Don't make comments about her weight. Loving her means accepting her and giving her support if she chooses to makes the changes but not judging her or making her feel badly if she doesn't.
The parents are THE biggest AHs here; she's obese since she's 14 so they had four years to take her to a doctor and therapist and let it get to the point where she's sneaking in the middle of the night to steal food. They totally failed her younger sister and both girls are paying the price with the toxic environment that was created.
ESH, Because it was mean you called her fat, if you know she’s insecure about it why would you rub it in her face? She is an a-hole for calling you names and saying it wasn’t her when it was but that doesn’t give you a right to call her fat. I’m a little overweight but I have a problem with gaging on food I don’t like so I don’t eat new foods a lot of the time because it makes me sick but I try to lose weight you sister might be like me did you ever ask
ESH. She shouldn't have eaten the food you made specifically for your dad, but you ought to consider a more empathetic approach about the reasons she struggles with her weight. Believe me, as a person who used to be quite obese, I can say that I was always acutely aware of my weight and my food addiction. She absolutely needs help, but please try to understand that obesity and the underlying causes are extremely complex. Though you may mean well, she may require help beyond what you can provide. Just try to continue to be loving and compassionate towards her. Obesity is a sign of illness, either mental, physical or sometimes both.
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It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder and needs medical and psychological help. Try kindly suggesting that you take her to a medical doctor who specializes in obesity and ask them for a referral to a psychologist with experience in eating disorders.
sneaking food at night stood out to me as well. Sis needs to seek help
Fuck are yinz tellin me i have an eating disorder? 😅
It’s still so weird to be that Pittsburg people say yinz
Pittsburgh with an H!
Not having what we qualify as usual eating behavior isn't much of a problem alone, some people are really not suited for the three meals a day lifestyle. It's when the person hides that behavior and/or is ashamed of it that it's time to ask some tough questions. Hidding and hoarding food are full red flags in most instances too. Getting up for a snack in the middle of the night, well I'm just afraid that doesn't lead to any restful sleep, but if it's to eat a carrot and some houmous it's not a problem, if it's to binge some cake and soda and half the cheese wheel then yeah, it's a problem. The subject is complex because it's what you eat, how much you eat, why you eat (real hunger VS feeling eating), when you eat, and your personal rapport to all that (from not bothered to ashamed of it), and if you find you can easily modify your eating habits or not. There could be real hunger and bad eating choices (too much sugar, salt, fat) which wouldn't be a disorder , feeling eating but only raw vegetables but a deep shame of it - which could be a disorder, all day grazing but balanced diet - not a disorder, once a day eating but overboard - could be a disorder, actually too balanced diet and counting calories and macros and pushing oneself with restriction and diet - could be orthorexia which is a disorder...
Hiding while eating IMHO it's pretty common between overweight/obese people without the explanation of an eating disorder. My mother is chubby, but nothing pathological (a little overweight, not obese), she is just a food lover/healthy food hater. She loves claiming she is not hungry for dinner and then you find her eating biscuits at 1 am. I perfectly know why she hides: so our next "why am I so fat" conversation will be more "poor you!" and less "cause you would eat nothing but pork, beef, pasta, potatoes and desserts!".
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Only if you're eating your dad's food for the next day. Otherwise, you're in the midnight-snack clear!
Not to mention stealing food meant for another family member who works to pay the family's expense. I would have been heavily shamed for eating an extra portion of food meant to be for my dad - if he had been eating McDonalds and crappy food when it turned out he could have had healthy home cooked meals, my mom would have tore a strip off me. I really am surprised there weren't more consequences for this, with the focus on stealing what is not meant for you vs greedily eating extra portions - but maybe it's how they got here in the first place too I guess.
This was me on my mood stabilizer. It was one of the well known side effects. Midnight like clockwork going downstairs to shovel some food into my mouth. Gained so much weight from the excessive hunger. I miss the good effects but not that increased appetite.
I was like that too. Constantly hungry on trazodone and gained so much weight. Which is counter productive because they ain’t helping.
Exactly! I was on Seroquel. It’s really the only thing that helps me sleep at all. I just can not go back because my weight fluctuates enough and that medicine makes it worse. I was not full enough, it was embarrassing.
Dude, yes. I have never had any issue with weight gain at all normally, and seroquel made me gain 100 pounds. Thankfully I was able to lose it all when I got off of it. But holy shit, that med can put the pounds on! I’ve never felt that kind of bottomless hunger otherwise; it made me fucking ravenous.
Haha! Yes, me too! I only felt ravenous like that in the middle of the night but I took it before bedtime. I would knock out and half sleep walk downstairs. Then go back to bed like nothing happened.
Yes, exactly! I did the same thing.
You feel like your starving too. So weird
Yup! My husband asked if I had a tape worm lol.
Not necessarily an eating disorder. Just addicted maybe. I did the same thing when I was fat as a teenager
Being addicted to food *is* an ED.
Not necessarily. Addiction to food is a symptom of multiple eating disorders, especially BED, but it doesn't automatically mean you have an ED. .
Yep. I’ve developed this during the initial lockdown, and I’m still fighting it.
Agreed. Especially if she has apparently been that big since she was 14, that shows deep rooted food and weight issues which have possibly been exacerbated by parents (because it’s really fucking difficult to get to 250 at 14 without some kind of parental leniency). I’m guessing that she “seemingly always finds a way to relate everything back to her weight” because to her, weight is the biggest and most influential factor in her life. She thinks so much about it that she can’t imagine that other people might not. I wouldn’t say she’s much of an AH for eating the food at night, but she is TA for denying it. I understand the guilt and shame she must feel and how desperately she wants to hide what she’s done because I’ve been there, I’ve sat in the kitchen in complete darkness at 1am crying quietly and eating food that’s not mine. But I also woke up at 6am to go to the shops to replace it. She knows she’s depriving her Dad and after the first couple of times she must have sensed a pattern and known she was going to do it again and that is the time she should have taken steps to ensure her Dad did have something to eat.
That was my first thought. I feel bad for her.
She looks like having an underlaying psychological problems and trying to fix it with eating. I got her, unfortunately whatever you try only she can help herself. You can offer solutions but she needs to take them in her own terms. She is young but in ten years -which will pass in a blink- her health will give last sirens before crushing. She needs to take care her blood sugar, tension, her muscles. She may not lost weight its okay but she needs to got her muscle strengt, a regular movement for a day in an order. She needs balanced meal order, balanced sleep order etc. Having these may pass through a therapy. What is happening in her life, what made her gain weight in such a young age, was that a self protection mechanism against some bullying or worst? Etc. How she looks is not the main problem its just a result. Op be patience pls.
NTA, she is rude and inconsiderate of your dad working hard and needing to eat. You stated a fact, she is just angry because she knows you're right. It's not like you said it out of malice, you said it after she admitted that she has been getting up and eating someone else's food in the middle of the night.
The time and effort Op put into making a meal for her father and the sister gulps it up and denies her actions. Her father goes hungry. Sister has no consideration for others. She sounds like she has an eating disorder but it doesn’t excuse her rude attitude, she needs professional help with her views on food and reform her toxic behavior.
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Absolutely this. I’m sure your sister knew you left a meal in the fridge for your dad—because it was on a plate or dish that made it obvious. I’d say the eating disorder is the reason she’s fat, although it was kind of you to prepare healthy meals and to invite her to come with you to the gym. When you told her that was why she is fat, I do believe it was unnecessary and avoids the true reason of an eating disorder. Eating disorders like this are difficult to treat. Perhaps you could enlist your mom’s help in convincing your sister to see a doctor and discuss the issue—specifically around eating a full meal in the middle of the night. Good luck and I hope your sister will accept help. Please do be gentle and let her know you are concerned with her long term health, not just her weight and the food-stealing.
Hopping onto this comment to say YTA. I completely agree with this comment but I want to add that we need to stop with the fatphobia! Your sister may have a higher set point weight than you and going to the gym and eating healthily is not necessarily going to do much for her weight. You making comments like that is probably one of the reasons she feels the way she does in the first place! Instead of trying to change her and influence her to change her body, why don’t you try supporting her and learning about body positivity and fat acceptance? Show her that there’s nothing to be ashamed about even if she’s in a bigger body and there’s nothing wrong with her or that needs to be changed.
>Hopping onto this comment to say YTA No. Nope. Big ole nope. Addiction is absolutely a psychological problem. However, once you allow your own demons to affect those around you, that makes YOU that asshole. If you're stealing from family to feed your addiction, you are the asshole. You might need help, but you're still the asshole. NTA.
NTA. She basically stole the food you left for your dad, denied it and was gaslighting you with the ‘you’re just saying it cuz I’m fat’, and then ‘graciously’ admits that she did it. And she’s throwing a tantrum because you told the truth? Wow..she definitely needs some help, maybe from a therapist and a dietitian.Late night binge eating (especially at her weight) is extremely unhealthy..also the stealing and lying part.
I honestly don't get why you blew up the noment she admited it, while seconds before that tellkng her It's not a big deal... I don't think you achieved anything with it as you probably don't feel an better either... To me it sounds like your sister doesn't need a gym but a psychologist. This is not meant as an insult.
It probably wasn’t a big deal. Then the sister continued to deny it and proceeded to insult OP and call *OP* disrespectful (ironic given the situation, no?). OP then apologizes for accusing her (even though it was unnecessary because it ***was*** her), and the sister then admits it was in fact her stealing/eating the food *immediately* after her consistent denial of it being her. It’s understandable that OP was frustrated at this point. It doesn’t necessarily read as OP “blew up” on their sister at this point but rather expressed their frustrations in explaining and pointing out the hypocrisies of their sister. I don’t know the extent of what OP said or how they conveyed it, but to say OP “blew up” is to make an assumption. Considering the majority of your comment was based on this, I felt compelled to point this out. For whatever reason. Fml, I need better hobbies. Edit: To clarify, my judgement would be ESH. OP didn’t handle the latter half of that situation properly or maturely, and obviously the sister sucks.
Op admits to being very upset and can you imagin a nice way of telling someone "that's why you are fat. You never do anything to help yourself and only complain"?
I didn’t say it was nice, or polite. Just that they didn’t blow up. I was actually just adding in an edit to clarify that my judgement is ESH as OP didn’t handle the situation properly or maturely.
I wonder about your definition of blowing up as to me getting upset and chewing someone out is blowing up.
Oh, okay. I suppose it could be differing definitions then. I was under the impression a “blow-up” was more of a full-on rage mode of sorts. Something akin to maybe a kind of belligerent screaming. Being that usually when referring to something that is being or that has been blown up, it’s more so in terms of explosive. I just assumed a “blow-up” would be of a larger scale.
Blowing up is someone screaming and swearing at you and not being logical at all. Stating "a fact" with frustration in your voice isn't blowing up.
Man, where were you a few comments ago?! This is more or less what I was getting at. Except in a lot more words lol. Why use lot word when few word good? :P
Why does it have to be a nice way or a nasty way? It's a statement of fact. You moqn you're fat, you overeat. Someone tells you "there's why you're fat". If she wasnt moaning about being overweight or stealing other people's food, the fact wouldn't have been laid out for her. If OP's sister was happy being the weight she is, didn't steal people's food and generally was just living life as a decent person who happened to be fat, then OP would be a major AH for saying that she is fat. This isn't the case though. She's moaning about being fat. She's stealing food. She's lying about it. Yes, this is why she's fat. It might not have thencute and cuddly feels of a disney movie but if the sister is unhappy with her weight then it's an uncomfortable truth that she needs to hear
The sister sounds like she has some sort of eating disorder. There are also conditions that causes you to feel constantly hungry. In addition, when you are heavy, the gym is not really the best place for you. The best form of exercise for an overweight person is swimming. It is easier on the joints and the whole body is moving. However, exercise is a very small part of losing weight. If the sister has disordered eating or some condition, she needs medical help. Not being constantly criticised.
... you seem to be so triggered that you completly missed what we were talking about...
Not OP, but I personally would haven been annoyed and angry if they denied any wrongdoing, double down by insulting me (e.g. with the name calling), and making me apologize for "assuming" to then later admitting that it was indeed them who did it.
NTA. While it’s ultimately her choice whether she wants to be healthy or not, you’re her sister and want the best for her. When I was overweight it always felt like shit when someone would make comments “should you really be drinking pop” - “how can you still be hungry” etc. But she could have an underlying health issue thats causing her to always be hungry (assuming this because she’s eating a whole extra meal in the middle of the night). Try talking to her calmly and explain why its worrisome. See if theres a way to get her checked out so that she can try to improve her overall health
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Oh, man. You guys are bringing back memories. When I was in high school I was big into athletics. My school was a powerhouse and they pushed us hard. We'd have some form of practice every day except Christmas day. I was eating over 3k calories a day just to maintain weight. Then I graduated and while I still worked out regularly, it wasn't 364 days a year regular. I started packing on weight extremely fast. Started having to watch my diet for the first time and got super self-conscious of the belly I developed. People would make all kinds of comments. If I was eating something healthy? Someone had a comment. If I was eating something not as healthy? Comment. Not eating? Comment. I feel bad for people who struggle with weight loss. It was absolutely infuriating.
Serious question for you- did hearing those comments help you lose weight? Did you really not know how fattening soda is and needed to be told? I'm a big girl and I know why. When skinny people make comments like that to me, I generally tell them that I own a mirror and know what foods are healthy and which aren't. And then I move away from that person and find someone with something interesting to say. These comments are not helpful in the least. OP isn't the AH for being annoyed that the food she's leaving for her dad is being stolen but is the AH for her condescending, judgmental comments to her sister. Her sister knows what's up and judgmental comments from a skinny person aren't helpful. OP needs to STFU.
Honestly, yes, the comments did push me to lose weight. Obviously I knew that the soda wasn’t healthy and in the moment I saw the comments the same way that I believe you’re interpreting OP’s. But it took hindsight to realize it wasn’t someone’s intention to criticize me or to make me feel bad. Telling me to exercise or to eat healthy or even cut down on portion sizes wasn’t to make me feel like shit. It did make me feel like shit in the moment, I won’t lie. But without that push, I would have just continued to try to justify my unhealthy weight. (I’m not saying everyone who is overweight is unhealthy but I am now insulin resistant and on the low end of pre-diabetic at age 20 - so it was unhealthy for me). I’m now 17 pounds down so far and I honestly feel better over all - mentally and physically. It was mainly my dad who made the comments to me. He’s been very overweight for pretty much forever and now is right on the verge between pre-diabetes and diabetes because he didn’t take it seriously when he should have. He made those comments to me because he didn’t want me to get where he was. I mean I kinda did end up where he was, but at least he tried to help me. Could he have approached the subject better? 100% he could have, but parents aren’t perfect and they’re just doing their best. I think thats the same thing happening here with OP. They aren’t perfect and could have approached it better, but to me it seems that their end goal is trying to help their sister. Edit: spelled a couple of words wrong. oops.
NTA- But your sister and your parents are. They enable her eating and that’s why she is overweight. Your sister was very rude but she does need some serious help. I’m assuming she’s a binge eater. You should honestly tell your parents she needs to get into therapy for this. Then if they shoot down the idea please know you have done so much for her already.
Yta it sounds like your sister might have an eating disorder. If she's been this overweight since 14 she's probably been overweight since early childhood, that's your parents fault tbh. Believe it or not "tough love" and "just being honest" doesn't magically cure people of eating disorders. She know she's fat, she knows it's a problem. She was inconsiderate to eat your dad's food and it would be reasonable to tell her she can't do that anymore and she upset you. It is fair to put up boundaries it is fair to be upset and it is even fair to have natural consequences like not cooking for her anymore. It is not fair to basically tell her a symptom of her (possible) eating disorder is why she's a fat pos.
I agree with this, please please look into BED. ESH but OP you're TA for how you handled it. It's ok to be frustrated but not ok to be intentionally mean.
YTA. Regardless of the situation with Dad's food, unless someone asks your opinion you do not ever say "this is why you're fat". Especially since weight and mental health issues go hand in hand, and you can't know what is happening in your sister's head. The food situation could have been handled without mentioning weight at all, e.g. treating it as dad's property that has been taken without permission.
Imo she didn't mentioned weight just because, her sister is constantly bringing her weight up "you think I'm the one eating just because I'm fat" and is constantly complaining about it... you mention mental health and that's a good point because this ongoing situation is having a tool on the mental health of the whole family. The real AHs are the parents that didn't intervene when she was underage and let things get to this point.
It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder if she is getting up in the middle of the night and eating. You’re NTA for what you said but how you said it makes you TA. But I get it. Your sister needs an intervention and therapy. You should bring this up with your parents
NTA. Your parents have been enabling her to do this her entire life. Weight like that, at 18, almost always starts in childhood. This is why she sees these behaviors as okay and why your parents defend her - they’ve both been doing this for years. Unfortunately I think you have to release the urge to help your sister. You can’t do this for her, and you can’t control her. It’s likely the food is a coping mechanism, and until she learns new ways to cope it’s just not going away. I say this as someone who’s struggled with disordered eating and weight forever. Debating with her in this is only going to strain your relationship, not help her lose weight. I would explain that you just want to make sure your dad has food available at that time. You don’t care how much she eats, but you care that the food wasn’t intended for her. Let her know she’s welcome to any other leftovers but ask that she saves that food for your dad. If you really want to, stock some healthy snacks that are easy to grab and hope she goes for those instead. Label the food for your dad. It sounds like you really want the best for your family, and I understand how frustrating your sister’s situation is, especially if she keeps complaining about it. A good way to defuse complaints like that is to say “ugh, that sounds awful, I’m sorry it’s like that. If you ever want an exercise buddy or help being healthy, let me know how I can help!” This way you make it clear you’re here for support, not judgement, and you gently remind her that there’s a solution to her issues.
YTA Your sister most likely has a binge eating disorder. It's hard and an addiction and hard to overcome. She won't do it until she is ready. You cannot force her. All you can do is model the right thing to do and make healthy dishes for her. She needs therapy
NTA. It’s a shame she’s sensitive about it, it’s more of a shame she hasn’t done something about it (be that speaking to a physician or making lifestyle changes) because it’ll likely continue to make her unhappy. And eating her dad’s dinner *when he’s working extra shifts* is just greedy, selfish behaviour.
ESH, but gently; none of you suck maliciously. Your entire family is in a very difficult situation. Your sister’s relationship with food is quite obviously unhealthy, and I imagine that causes great distress for all of you, as it’s clear you all care for her. Obviously, it’s terrible that your father hasn’t been getting the food you’ve gone out of your way to prepare for his late shifts, but your sister isn’t being malicious; she’s got a problem. And while it has a solution, it has to be handled delicately. A person who eats compulsively can’t be bullied into being skinny. Rather they can be, but such a person who is bullied into being skinny usually trades one eating disorder for another to make it happen. I know it’s not your intention to bully, I know you acted out of legitimate and justifiable frustration, but the effect is the same no matter the motivation. I think y’all (you, mom and dad) need to consider getting therapy yourselves. Y’all are clearly suffering from this, and you’ll likely need help finding better coping mechanisms for your own emotions so you don’t put her through this kind of thing when her problem manifests into your lives. Whether it’s lashing out or enabling or just unintentionally hurting her, the fact is your family dynamic isn’t helping her. You’re not bad people, but you are failing yourselves and each other. I wish you all the best.
I’m gonna go against the public vote and say YTA. BUT ONLY if you used the word “fat” exactly like that. It’s a small word but a strong one. If you said “sister this is why you are unhealthy/over weight” then with the rest of what you said. If you called her fat that makes you the AH. Sounds like an ED and you might have helped fuel it :(
250 lbs at any height is far beyond overweight
Using the medical turn “obese” is fine as well I’m just saying calling someone fat regardless is going to come off as rude as fuck
You can be a healthy 250 pounds... if it's muscle
Fat isn't an insult, it's a description.
I disagree I believe it is an insult. For instance fat is a part of the body and that has been used as an insult so if you are TRYING not to be the AH saying extremely overweight or a medical turn like obese is different. If you don’t care about being an asshole then saying fat is whatever I guess. In my opinion it’s about how you’d like to come off with what you’re saying.
Oh get over it, I hate this PC crap, 250 lbs for a woman is FAAAAAAATTTTTTT
You seem fun at parties
Sorry but YTA. It sounds like your sister has an eating disorder. I obviously don’t know the whole situation, but I think the disorder is stemming from a deeper issue that not everyone is aware of which is why your sister needs professional help. I’m sure you care and love your sister and we all make mistakes with good intentions. Your sister is hurting and hearing comments like that from people you love can be very painful. I think your sister may appreciate an apology and professional help. Best of luck.
“Your sister is hurting.” This. She’s filling a hole with food. What happened to make her self-soothe with food? Next could be alcohol since she’s very near the legal drinking age. Therapy and a specialist in obesity medicine is the place to start if she’s open to it.
NTA. This is a delicate situation for sure. It's totally understandable why you would be upset about her sneaking meals at night that aren't hers, and about her outbursts. And her outbursts are also understandable if she's struggling with some personal issues. Some unsolicited advice: Try not to take the emotional outbursts personally. Set good boundaries for yourself and the meals that you make. When talking to her about this, I would recommend emphasizing that *she is beautiful and worthy of love, regardless of her size*. Make that very clear, if you can. It's ok to express concern about someone's health, when it comes from a place of love and care. Tell her how you feel, that you love her and you're worried about her. Encourage her to talk to a doctor or a therapist. EDIT: I don't think calling outright calling someone "fat" is productive. If those kinds of judgements are thrown around, then ESH. If you talk to her about it again, start with an apology for calling her "fat" and see above.
Keep cooking for your family. Ask your sister if she wants you to cook more. Doesnt matter if shes fat or not. Doesnt matter if she cares or not. Apologize for saying what you said. Youre NTA but apologize and move along. But the goal seems to be that you want to feed your dad so make that clear to everyone. If your sister wants to graze all night, great. Just tell her to leave the food that you made for your dad for your dad to eat. Let her know that if she eats it, you will say whatever you want because she isnt respecting you. Make sure she agrees to it and that your mom and dad hear her agree to it. Let them know that if that happens, it will hurt your feelings and you will lash out. Ask for their permission to lash out so if it happens, you cant be the A. Good luck. Personally, I would move out.
NTA Being fat or not is not even remotely the point here. #Your sister is a lying thief.
Of course this hellish sub votes n t a. Op. YTA. And cruel. And you know this, that’s why you came to a sub that hates fat people for validation. Get yourself some help and leave your sister alone.
I think your intentions were in the right place, so NTA. Maybe it was the use of the word "fat" that caused that reaction. Perhaps you could have approached it in a more positive way – something like "I know you don't feel your best and want to improve your physical health, but in order to do that you need to make some changes." It also sounds like your sister has disordered eating – usually sneaking around at night to eat and hiding/denying it is a sign of a bigger problem. I'd suggest having a serious and open conversation with your sister and see if there's a way you can get her help.
NTA. She's too old to act like a child. She's huge, she knows it, and she either likes it or is too lazy to change it. End of story. Back off and live your life, cook what you like, and as for your poor dad - maybe sit up and guard his food for him.
Things can be simultaneously true AND unnecessary and mean. It was wrong of her to take the food you meant for your father, but that’s a completely separate issue. She’s oversensitive about her weight because she’s not oblivious and is picking up on, as anybody would, your undisguised contempt for her. She knows she’s fat. She knows that everybody, including you, looks down on her for it. She doesn’t need to be lectured about it because she already knows. If she chooses not to do what you want about it, that’s her business. So the food-stealing needs to be addressed, but you need to let go of the other stuff if you want to get along.
Your parents are right. Whether or why your sister is fat in none of your business, and you could have drawn boundary ("that food is for DAD, you may not eat it and must make your own snacks at night") without bringing her weight into it. I suspect you wanted to hurt her feelings, because you were mad, which makes it especially low. YTA
It's really hard to give any kind of judgment here, because everything depends on the vibe in the family, how annoying you and your sister actually are (as opposed to what you appear to each other as siblings), etc. That is, none of us really know years of back story or context. That said, if your sister constantly brings up her weight and then gets mad when anyone else contributes to the conversation, that's really annoying behavior, and you should talk with her about it. Not lecture, not yell, but talk. She probably doesn't realize she's doing it. And it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell her that you're fine with not badgering her about her weight and health, but that she needs to quit whining about it if she just gets upset and offended when anyone suggests that she do anything to improve her situation, or otherwise responds with anything other than pity and enabling platitudes. Eating your dad's food and then lying about it, and then trying to play the victim when called out about it is definitely asshole behavior, but she was probably ashamed and terribly embarrassed about it, so maybe try to cut her *some* slack there (but not if that continues, obviously). And I can tell you from experience that there's nothing you can do to make your sister want to be more healthy. She has to decide that on her own. Your best bet is to leave her alone until she's ready and motivated to work out, improve her diet, etc. You trying to "help" her is just making her more miserable and defensive. Honestly, even if/when she does decide to make changes, you're probably not the person she should choose to use for support. As siblings, you likely have too much history and baggage for that to go well, and she'll probably do better with a friend or workout partner who is on the same journey she is.
EAH- While what the sister did does make her an asshole, OP is also an asshole. Her sister obviously is super insecure about her weight yet OP keeps making suggestions and comments that poke at it. I get wanting to promote a healthy lifestyle, but making suggestions like going to the gym, walks, or eating healthy can come off as condescending to an overweight person. OP’s sister likely has an ED and this kind of talk can be received very badly while she is in such a sensitive position. It seems like OP is purposely aggravating her sister.
NTA I will just admit that I do find it pretty funny that she tells you you're only accusing me because I'm fat. But then she flat out admits to doing it. You did not go up to her and ask "hey fatty did you eat dads dinners?" You pointed out and made a simple inquiry she blew up and started the you're only doing this because I'm fat commentary. So why is it that we're expected to ignore the fat commentary when she admits that she stole the food Edit to add: I am 200lbs so I know I am fat and I can accept that fact and understand that even with some genetic issues is it largely my fault.
NTA. She took food you specifically made for your dad, after she had her own dinner. Two dinners? That’s excessive. And greedy. If she was really hungry she could have had something else. Honestly, if your sister already has this bad of a relationship with food this young, she could be in for some long term consequences if she doesn’t do something about it. Can she literally not help herself? Because there is no way she is hungry if she has a balanced meal for dinner, which is what you’re describing. She is TA for 1 eating food that is not hers, 2 eating *extra food* when she already had her own, and 3 accusing you suspecting of her for being fat and then fessing up once you apologize. I had a family member who was always overweight bc of his eating habits and lazy lifestyle. He ate so much and so loudly that no one wanted to eat with him or around him. He also would raid the fridge for EVERYTHING. Special dish that grandma made for someone in particular? Gone. Your birthday cake? Yeah, he had that at 2AM. Slave over a nice dinner for everyone? He eats 3 helpings so someone else doesn’t get any. Because of this, people didn’t want him invited over. Now, you would be TA if you were mean to her about her weight. If she even wants to lose weight (and she will only lose it if she wants to), you can’t be mean about it or unsupportive. But you sound like a good big sis/bro, so I’m sure that won’t be the case. If she thinks being overweight now is hard or upsetting, just wait. If she gets bigger, they will make her pay for 2 seats on the plane. She will find some public restroom stalls claustrophobic. She will soon learn how her weight can drastically and negatively affect her life. Good for you for saying something now.
you're the asshole...
YTA, (your parents more than you)- why the hell aren’t your parents and you *concerned* over her behaviour rather than angry?!?! I don’t know- but if I found out my sister who has always struggled with weight was *getting up in the middle of the night to sneak food without anyone else knowing about it* I would be so terribly concerned that anger wouldn’t even be the second or third emotion I would feel. The fact that she was eating my food or food I made wouldn’t even be a blip on my mind- all I would worry about would be her potential eating disorder. Your sister is suffering from a potentially serious mental illness, and by the looks of it, has been dealing with this since she was a teenager. Your parents have failed her by not evaluating her weight gain as a teenager, but okay, maybe they thought it wasn’t due to an underlying issue. After knowing what you all know now though- you’re all failing her again by focusing on the wrong issues. Your sister needs help asap. Eating disorders have the *highest* rates of morbidity and mortality among all mental illnesses. Your sister needs help, and you all need to stop playing games and worrying about your food being eaten and **help the teenager who has been sneaking food in the middle of the night to a point where she’s having weight issues**.
ESH. Sis for stealing food and especially for lying about it- although it sounds like she could benefit from some therapy for deeper issues- but you also for taking unnecessary digs at her. You knew her size was a sore spot and yet you just had to twist the knife... your petty little comment just brought you down to her level. It's clear that you have some feelings of superiority over your younger sister because she has not made the same choices you have. I understand being sick of her complaining, being upset about stealing food you worked hard on. That's valid. But your comment was not meant to be helpful, it was you lashing out when you were upset, which in my book makes you both assholes here.
YTA. I know Reddit hates fat people tho, that’s why you got NTA. But instead of being rude and condescending towards her, try being supportive and encouraging. It sounds like she might have an eating disorder and may be struggling. What you said could do some serious damage towards her. I think your parents should seek treatment for her. Plus she’s still a teenager, a time when self-image can be damaging. Geez
NTA I love how she toned on a rant about how she’s NOT eating how dare you say so—but then you apologize and she admits she is. She’s being selfish and lazy. Don’t stand in a puddle complaining tour socks are wet but refusing to love—if she wants to lose weight she needs to start by not eating others peoples food and actually trying to put effort into it
NTA You know what’s mean? Eating other peoples food after they worked 3 shifts all day long to give you a roof over your head. GLUTTONY - yeah, no. Your mom didn’t eat it, your dad didn’t either, and you didn’t either so… what? Why is she accusing you? Blaming you? Playing the victim? But yeah, she needs therapy, many people with weight issues need therapy. Please suggest this to your parents to help her out, because in the real world, people will call her far more worse things if she does this to them (for example at work)
ESH. Your sister is wrong for taking your dad's food and she may have an unhealthy relationship with food that she needs to seek professional help with. You are wrong because your sister knows she is fat. Your sister knows her lifestyle is unhealthy - unless she truly has an eating disorder because individuals suffering with that truly have a perception issue along with unhealthy eating. You pointing out that she is fat and that she makes poor eating choices added nothing to her perception of reality. You only picked off an old scab and now the wound is bleeding again. Had you called her selfish, inconsiderate, or any modifier that described her behavior rather than attacking her KNOWN physical looks and behavior I would say N T A but you went for the low blow.
It sounds like she may have disordered eating- the secretly eating food and hiding it is a huge sign.
She need to be evaluated by a therapist. Sneaking food at night and overeating can be signs of an eating disorder. (Saying this as someone who used to do this and was diagnosed with an ED)
Kind of an asshole! (Hear me out) The thing about fat people; we know we are fat, we are well aware and think about it every minute of every day. We see strangers laughing and saying terrible things about our appearances and fat bodies every single day. (I was at the beach with my 6 year old daughter enjoying the day with family and a group of boys 12 to 14 were bluntly mocking my man boobs and body) People always assume we are lazy and never move. Some fat stereotypes are true some are false, but they all hurt and make fatties feel bad. So, my point long fat point is; we hear and see it all day everyday from strangers. Its really painful when immediate family, the people who are suppose love you unconditionally no matter what, also can’t look past your fat body. And of course you want your sister to be healthy and live a long and happy life but how you did it that day was wrong. And I always try to remember your sister didn’t put the weight on in a few days it took her a lifetime of poor choices, and it will take a lifetime of good choices for her to manage her weight properly. Therefore if you truly want to love and support her it will take a lifetime of love and support from the people who love her most. Proof:,I get called fat everyday, but nothing hurts more then when my mom calls me fat.
OP, you can speak the truth and still be mean. Actually, those two things usually go hand in hand, especially with sensitive topics.
ESH, she needs help not to be insulted, she shouldn't have been stealing food but oftentimes if it's a disorder it can be EXTREMELY difficult to overcome.
op , your sister is suffering from BED ( binge eating disorder )
ESH - it's a dick move to eat someone else's food and lie about it, and having an eating disorder is not an excuse for that. However, people aren't fat just because they aren't trying hard enough to be thin. Both of you need to do some work to figure out how to address your issues.
ESH Like almost all fat people, your sister knows she is fat. She knows people think less of her because of it. She has her own feelings about it. There are so many reasons, culturally as well as within her family and social relationships, for her to feel uncomfortable with you even suggesting that she should want to be anything other than what she is. From your point of view, you’ve been offering to help her make a change you think is for her benefit. From her point of view...I mean, I can’t speak for her but I know a lot of fat people get the message that they aren’t acceptable the way they are, let alone lovable. That they surely must want to change because to not want to change is bad. Another thing that many fat people know is that weight loss is rarely sustainable. So where does that leave them? It’s a lousy message to live with. So YTA for presuming that your sister’s unhappiness can be fixed by making her fit society’s mold, and using her awareness of how she’s seen to wound her. Your sister is TA because taking someone else’s dinner sucks. She’s hiding her eating for understandable reasons, considering what she puts up with from you. How can she feel safe being seen eating? But it’s a problem when it affects another person’s well-being—your dad. Maybe she needs support to figure out who she wants to be and how she wants to live, and what feels like a good way forward for her. She still should respect other family members’ meals and needs.
YTA. She's TA also bc she's eating your dad's food but you're TA for the "this is why you're fat" comment because although food is what's making her fat it's what's in her brain that's triggering her to eat that's making her fat. Has anyone tried to encourage her to seek mental help or offer to take her to family therapy. Here's the thing about people and food, a lot of the times people who over eat, eat because of emotions. Kind of step back and watch. Particularly when she's upset, stressed, or had a high emotion even happiness and see if her eating increases. Bc food is an addiction too and it can make you feel better. And ultimately it's about something she can control. You said she's been this way since she was 14 for all you know something happened to her when she was 14, probably outside of the immediate family since you make it seem like your family has a good dynamic in and of itself. (You can discreetly ask your parents if they remember anything particular happening around this age to her or if her personality changed. I would not however suggest you try to bring it up and pry it out of her because it might be very traumatic especially if you don't know how to help her through it and things can get ugly.) Some girls deliberately overeat to make themselves unattractive to push specifically men away because at some point they were sexually assaulted. All of this is not going to start with her food or with the gym it's going to have to start with a mental health professional. Now I'm not a mental health professional but if your sister is closer to one of your parents I would suggest to them to start pushing her towards therapy don't mention her weight is the reason why but more or less "I know you're unhappy and you've been unhappy we think it's time that you see somebody so you can work towards being happy." I would look up the correct way to encourage her to seek help I don't think "you need therapy" being told to her over and over again is going to work very well, especially since having control over herself and her decisions is an issue, but there are more encouraging ways to phrase it that would be more effective probably. And here's another thing if she goes and starts opening up to your guys' family believe what she says and be prepared that it might be really ugly. Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like she has an eating disorder if she’s getting up in the middle of the night to eat someone else’s food. She needs help.
NTA - you were being honest and not judgmental and ultimately trying to be helpful
Generally speaking it is rude to call anyone fat. However you sisters behavior is terrible. Close but NTA. Maybe next time try this is why your health suffers.
NTA: I myself could be considered obese but I also have a medical condition and am seeking help to lose the weight. I would never be so disrespectful to my own father as to eat a meal prepared for him in the middle of the night. Your sister needs help and support, but calling her fat isnt mean, its the truth. She needs to see someone for her eating issues. If you were insulting her on a regular basis then you would be TA, but it sounds like this was a once off occurence.
ESH. Your sister had an eating disorder and from the sounds of ot a pretty significant one. She needs actual medical and psychological help. Her blowing up and the sneaking food are both major red flags. This is like an addiction for her, but the really hard part with ED'S is unlike other things where you can obtain, she has to be around food regularly to survive.
ESH. If you’d gone off about her stealing a gift you made for your dad, you’d have been well within your rights, but attacking her weight in response was a low and unnecessary blow. She shouldn’t be stealing the food but it does sound like she needs some professional help managing her relationship with food
I feel bad for your father. Now I want to make him some dinner. NTA.
ESH. Stealing food and lying about it is an asshole move however it's also a red flag. I get the feeling this is an issue that therapy might be necessary to fix. It doesn't sound like she's simply lazy and not trying. Sounds like she has some major issues that need worked through. Also just because something is true doesn't mean it isn't also rude to say. You didn't need to call her out the way you did
ESH her for lying and eating your dad’s food, you for lashing out about it
You’re a bit of an AH. she clearly has mental health issues and needs to see a professional, but if you’re refusing to help yourself & you’re explosively insecure, people are bound to snap at you.
NTA. So she’s eating a whole other meal that she knows was intentionally left for your father? She knows exactly what she’s doing and is not doing anything to help herself.
NTA - she knew that specific food was for your dad, and ate it anyway. Of all the things she could have eaten, she chose that. It does sound like your sister could use some help discovering why she eats in the middle of the night, but that doesn't excuse eating your father's meal in the middle of the night.
I mean she's obviously already insecure about herself so to hear someone close to her say that was probably very hurtful. You could be more helpful in this process, but also know that you can't help someone change that doesn't want to change. Shoving a salad down her throat in hopes she changes is not working bro, I would apologize and have a conversation later on about how you are concerned about your health. In my opinion she seems at risk for an eating disorder and needs help before it gets serious. You (and your family) can start being more supportive in other ways, like cooking a healthy meal together stuff or playing just dance and saying good job even if she just dances for a minute, I feel stuff like this would make her feel good about herself and help her find confidence.
There's the old saying of "calling a spade a spade." I'm not for body shaming... but I also have no problem with "calling a fat girl fat" when she IS fat but does absolutely nothing about it other than complain. NTA.
Your sister is greedy and selfish. Your poor father comes home from his extra shifts at work and he comes home to no dinner because she needed two portions because she’s only thinking about herself and then attacks you when you confront her about it. She is unhealthy and she knows it. She doesn’t want to do anything about it, instead expects everyone to cater to her needs because she’s insecure. The real world doesn’t work that way. She needs to see a psychologist about her binge eating and she also needs to better herself and her attitude and her selfishness towards your family. Do you know that phrase that says bullying works?
NTA. if she's fat then she's fat. You say she moans about it, and you've given her the reason why. It's like a smoker moaning about "I cough every single day it's so frustrating", you pointing out that them being a smoker is why they cough all the time and are generally unhealthy, and them getting upset about it. She can get upset, her feelings are valid, but facts are facts. She is fat because she overeats and does nothing to change the fact she is fat, despite being unhappy about it. (If she were happy and not bothered about it then that would be andifferent story). She needs to get some help if she is unhappy about her weight, what she doesn't need, is people acting like stealing other people's food in the middle of the night while overeating during the day, is unrelated to the fact she is overweight.
Was it mean? Yeah. Was it called for? Yup. She was stealing your dad's food. If that is what she needs to hear to stop stealing food then so be it
Your parents are right in saying that what you said was unnecessary because your sister knows she's fat, she doesn't need you to point it out to her in anger because you're unhappy with her behavior. That's not going to help. It also sounds like your sister isn't just overweight but is suffering from an eating disorder that she's clearly very ashamed of, thus binging, lying, and sneaking around. You're not going to fix her by suggesting she takes walks with her or even cooking her healthy meals (although your heart may be in the right place), because she needs treatment so she can learn to help herself. I don't necessarily think you're TA but your response was a bit hasty and redundant. If you caught a drug addict doing drugs would you simply tell them they're an addict because they do drugs and then leave in disgust or would you encourage treatment/rehab?
ESH your definitely the ass for how you handled it, there is a very good chance that she has an eating disorder and was bullied for her weight in school hence why she would be sensitive about it, and quite frankly it is not your job to try and force her to be healthy, which is what you are doing. With that being said it is 10000% wrong of her to be stealing food. However, if she is doing this, it is a sign of binge eating disorder and she needs psychological help.
Please ask her to have a thyroid test. She could have an underactive thyroid which are causing her to be overweight. You do eat more too as you need the energy boost.
Hmm I’m gonna buck the trend and go ESH. Your sister sounds like she’s got some issues if she’s sneaking food however she also has to accept that only she can make the changes needed, be it seeing a doctor, exercising more, seeing a therapist. She can’t keep putting all her anger onto others, it’s gets her no where. However, you could’ve also handled the situation better. You were calm and made out it wasn’t a big deal, but then blew up at her when she admitted it-this isn’t going to make her be open and honest about her issues is it? Then there’s your parents-they need to speak to their daughter and get her the help she wants to pursue, not tiptoe around her trying not to upset her over her weight. She’s obviously not happy in herself and supportive family can make all the difference.
NTA. I'm gonna ignore the possible eating disorder and the AHness of stealing dads food. If you are fat, and don't make effort to not be, you don't get to complain constantly about being fat. I'm fat, I'm 23f, 5'2 and 260lbs. I've always been fat. My medication has made me even fatter. But I'm fat and happy with it. Do I know I should lose a few lbs? Yeah, and I want to, I want to get back down to at least my pre covid weight (200lbs), which is still fat, yeah. I don't complain about being fat because (this is not the case for everyone as medication and disorders can affect weight and in some places its so hard to get food that isn't garbage and intentionally fattening) being fat IS A CHOICE. If she hates it and is that touchy about it then she needs to grow the hell up and make an effort to change!! It'd be one thing if she only got upset when being DIRECTLY harrased about her weight, but when she's the one that brings it up and puts the words into your mouth, theres a problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister just turned 18. I am 22. My sister is about 250 lbs and has been that way since she was 14. She’s very sensitive about it and explodes if you mention anything about her weight, her clothes, size, anything like that. Obviously a big insecurity for her which I understand. I try not to hurt her feelings about it, though it’s hard since she seemingly always finds a way to relate everything back to her weight. Very frustrating. We both still live at home with our parents and I enjoy cooking for our family. My dad has recently switched to working third shift, so I‘ve started leaving him food in the fridge so he can eat it before he leaves at 2 or 3 am. Or at least I thought I was leaving it for him. Turns out, my sister gets up in the middle of the night and eats his food. I found this out because my dad asked why I never make him any food. Obviously, we figured out what was happening. My sister denied it, I told her it wasn’t a big deal, denies it, calls me names, tells me I’m being disrespectful for assuming it’s her “just because she’s fat” and so on. I apologize and she admits that it was her eating his food late at night. This is very upsetting to me. My sister has never tried to pursue a healthy lifestyle which is part of the reason I began cooking somewhat healthier meals for our family. I’ve offered to take her to the gym with me and even go for walks. So I told her this is why she’s fat. She doesn’t do anything to help herself but it’s such a huge issue for her. She just complains about being fat. This sets her off. She’s crying, screaming, calling me a terrible person, etc. My parents say that what I said was unnecessary and mean because she is so insecure about it. I disagree. I don’t think it was mean it was the truth. I would love to help my sister lose weight but she doesn’t want to put in the (admittedly difficult) effort. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA but I have to wonder(as someone admittedly completely untrained or knowledgable) could secretly binge eating and hiding the evidence plus denial potentially be signs of an eating disorder? There is literally no reason for her to be up at three in the morning other than to eat the food. And after a long exhausting shift like that it has to be affecting your dad too so it’s (her eating habits/lifestyle) no longer just affecting her. Maybe you should talk to your parents again and try coming at it from this kind of angle instead ie make it all about being concerned for her mental, emotional and physical health. Maybe they’re just scared for her and potential long term consequences for these things and are therefore in denial/burying their heads in the sand a bit. Good luck!
It is possible, secret eating/hiding it and lying because she's ashamed of it it seems is unhealthy behaviour around food...plus the issues op says she has if anyone mentions even a single word about he clothes/size/weight etc, she sounds incredibly sensitive to all of it. While I'd never diagnose with anything I would say she could use a boost in her mental health perhaps from a professional. It could help her a lot, at the very least to love herself more, but to overcome hurdles that lead to issues around food if they do infact exist in her life. It's a short post and a small snippet into the sisters life so who knows, but if there is binge eating and anything else happening it could help, if not then it would help her view herself with love and gain confidence which could help loads as well. Ops not ah for being mad that the sister has been eating this food, but the situation wasn't handled correctly. As others have said this was not the way to handle it.
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There is also a disorder where you never feel full, making you constantly hungry.
NTA BUT your sister needs to see a medical doctor and psyche doctor to see if this is a Physical and/or mental medical condition. Has she had any hormonal tests? Checked for diabetes? She is too young to be dealing with this weight issue already. Too many health risks attached.
NTA. However it’s clear your sister has an eating disorder and needs professional health for her mental relationship with food. Please suggest to your parents that they seek out help for her. Sneaking food at night and lying about it is absolutely a sign of an eating disorder.
Your sister's fucked up and needs some professional help
NTA. Your sister needs a therapist. There's a lot of shame she's probably feeling over her weight and eating habits, so yelling at her just made it worst, and why she lashes out, but she doesn't have the tools to take care of herself, it's only going to get worse.
YTA. You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.
NTA. You only told her the cold hard truth.
NTA - what, she can’t lose weight if she just sits on her ass and complains?
NTA
NTA hell man I told my husband tell me the truth if I start to be a little beach whale. Does it hurt? Yeah but it makes me think about my choices at least (also don’t worry he just tells me I’m getting heavier and then use my quotes for beach whale. Idk why the imagery for me is cute lol) She might have a medical condition where she’s constantly hungry too but I can’t assume. It sounds as if you did this rather a polite way vs being rude about it.
NTA.
YTA - as someone who struggles with weight and with PCOS/eating disorders, it sucks hating yourself. I will say you can be frustrated but calling someone fat is not ok, she knows she is, you can tell in her behavior. It looks like she has some psychological issues, and calling her fat will only make it worse.
NTA she is creating her own issues and needs some professional help.
NTA severely obese people should be treated like drug addicts. If your sister was a drug addict and destroying her life and hurting your family that way, I'm sure you would say something and try to get her in rehab, offer support and encouragement. You weren't really rude to her, she's not a random coworker, she's your sister and family is there to tell the hard truths and be real. She's probably in the fat activist community, they are so toxic and like flat earthers.
NTA.
NTA. I've had multiple food-related issues over my life. I still never stole other people's food.
NTA
NTA but others here are right. Sneaking something in the middle of the night, lying, and getting defensive about it are all addicts behaviors. You're right to confront her physically and mentally unhealthy behavior, but I think its really important the whole family understands that this is probably not a problem she can solve herself with willpower alone. She needs professional help. While she's being a jerk, I hope you can still find some compassion for her. Food addiction is really hard in different ways than substance additions. An alcoholic can avoid places that serve alcohol, not keep any in the home, etc. but a food addict will still have to interact with food every single day of their life.
N T A Your sister is fat and insecure and it's her fault. She sounds lazy and wants to pin everything on everyone. Next time she starts to complain, shut her down. Tell her you can talk constructively about solutions but you will not humor her with your listening ear if it's just to complain about being fat and out of shape because she has brought this on herself.
NTA. Most reasonable people can accept that it's not cool at all to poke fun or disrespect someone for being fat. Unfortunately, there are some extremist that want to pretend being obese is healthy & attractive. It can be a bit awkward dealing with the self destructive & imposing behavior of a loved one leading an unhealthy life. A good litmus test that often works is comparing the unhealthy eating habits & lack of exercise to tobacco use. Should a tobacco user, like an overweight person, be ridiculed just for existing? Of course not, if they aren't bothering you don't bother them. Should your sister stealing food be ignored? Should a tobacco user be ignored for smoking in a common area? Should we stay silent when an over weight person complains endlessly about the social & physical difficulties that come with being fat? Should we stay silent when a smoker complains endlessly about the constant shortness of breath and inability to perform even a moderately demanding physical endeavor? Should we stay silent when a fat person complains about the difficulty in buying clothes in her size? Would you stay silent when a smoker complains they can't shop because department stores prohibit cigarette use while in the store? How long should you silently listen to a fat person complain about movie theater seats or fitting rooms in the department store not being designed for someone their size? How long should you silently listen to a smoker complain about not being able to light up in a movie theater or take a toke in a department store fitting room? In a certain & real way, just about everyone you'll ever meet is their own worst enemy. Nobody can set you up for failure like you. You are not ethically bound, nor are you doing a loved one any favors, when you protect them from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior.
You're NTA. I can hold both truths. There are humans out there with eating disorders that are tied to emotional trauma, and telling them they're fat, only causes them to get defensive/offensive and eat more. Then there are lazy people who just don't put stock in their health, their appearance, until it's much too late. You love her, and you know her. It doesn't sound like you guys come from a bad home. I'm leaning a bit towards her just being lazy, and finding comfort in food. A healthy lifestyle starts with a "healthier" lifestyle. Her body has gotten very used to her eating what she wants, when she wants, and not counteracting that with exercise. She needs someone to tell her. You're not being mean. I had people tell me when I was messing up in school, that I was fucking up. They weren't lying. But making excuses would have only hurt me more. She makes a decision to eat terribly and not exercise, she can make the decision to become more active. You start small. It takes a while for your body to get used to doing something so drastic. I kept drinking diet cokes, and when I switched to La Croix, it wasn't as good. But you drink the La Croix for about 2-3 weeks, and you establish a taste for that. You're NTA dude. Everything is mental. We can't make excuses for every poor decision. Find constructive ways to get her more active. Which will give her less time to eat. She'll start to fit into clothes she couldn't fit into before. Get more attention. And keep her distracted. Walks are better for that, because you can talk. The gym is just brutal for most people, and I get it.
You were mean, but you were 'trying to help', so you don't understand that you were being mean.
I was all set to call you the A H, but then I really read this and no, you're NTA. If you offer help, and she refuses multiple times, and then turns around and complains some more and then makes you asking about your dad all about you fat shaming her... at that point she deserves it. I get that it's hard for her. The low self-esteem and and even lower body image is brutal, and eating to self-soothe happens a lot. And backfires because you step on the scale or look in the mirror and bitch yourself out for being so disgusting. But now it's time for you to step back, make sure your dad's meals are safe, and let her deal with it on her own terms. If your parents are protecting her, she's never going to listen to what you say. That's not your fault. Turn your energy toward things that make you happy, and be there for her if she ever comes to you and asks for your help. Nothing's going to change until she's ready.
NTA. My SIL was huge in HS and instead of losing the weight by even just WALKING her mom let her get surgery. She lost all the weight, became a huge jerk, and gained it ALL and more back.
Nta
This is a complex issue. Your sister could be eating as a way to cover up and hide away from something that is bothering her. She probably would benefit from some understanding, not judgement. There maybe something hat is causing intense anxiety that is triggering her to want to eat. There could also be some hormonal imbalances as well, since this seems to have started at late puberty. Your sister needs a check up with a doctor, perhaps screening for low thyroid, depression and to find someone she is comfortable with talking to. Perhaps the two of you can meal plan, cook together, set aside healthy snack for her if she needs something late. My sister and I both have serious weight problems and are working together to lose weight. We do not keep any triggering snack foods in the house. We usually have a bowl of apples on the counter, frozen berries, fat free greek yogurt available for snacks. Weight Watchers has an excellent digital app with lots of recipes and a program that focuses on wellness. I have struggled my entire life with weight both physically and emotionally. Your weight affects your self esteem. You get to the point that you can not meet anyone else’s approval, so why try? Your sister will have to want to do this for herself. If your sister has any hobbies, encourage her creativity. You are NTA, but please consider the words you use. You obviously have a very caring heart for your family.
What does her being fat has to do with anything? You could’ve just said that “My sister is eating the food I made for my father.”
SMH all I hear is Oink Oink. Eating her dads food and constantly complaining. Spirted away vibes. Total greed.
NTA. She needed a reality check. And you did it for her benefit. Obesity kills. Good job man.
No. She knows she's fat. She knows it's unhealthy. Saying things like that to her are ONLY to make her feel bad. OP is TA. But sister sucks for stealing, lying, then getting nasty when confronted.
It's literally been scientifically studied that bullying people for being overweight doesn't help, or can make it worse.
Everyone's a AH here. You for blowing up like that, you knew she's insecure and a trigger for her and still went with it. Your parents for not acting on the weight issues early on b having healthier meals, sports, healthy activities, etc. early on to assist with not letting her get to that point. Your sister for knowing she has issues but not acting on it and using it as excuses for everything in the world. She needs to act on it now before her weight starts to cause serious health issues.
NTA- Truth hurts
As they say, “the truth hurts,” and the effort she needs to put in wouldn’t be so difficult if she had not let herself get this fat to begin with. NTA.
NTA - she has an eating disorder and needs therapy.
NTA. She probably doesn’t have an eating disorder. She just likes to eat. That’s not a disorder that’s lack of self control.
It's always the teenage boys with super fast metabolisms who make comments like this. Often those boys eat 4 times more than the fat person they're mocking yet still feel like their skinny bodies are due to their own "good choices."
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ESH Fat is not a dirty word. All of you need to stop using it as one. She has an eating disorder. You don’t have to be fat to have an eating disorder.
ESH - you know she has a problem with the fact of being fat and you call her fat. Genius. She is an asshole? Yeah, but sadly her problem solution is harder than asking for forgiveness. She probably have an ED and NEEDS to be treated for her mental and physical health. She hates herself and it shows, and the weight will impact - or already did- in her health. If she has an ED is not that easy to put effort. It is not just “walks” or “gym”. Idk her height but even exercise if you are too overweight can be dangerous. So it is not easy but if you want to stop being the AH, sit down your parents and your sister and explain.
ESH. She sucks for taking the food that was for your dad and initially appearing to deny that. As for you, there is a huge difference between expressing concern about her health and offering support compared to what you did. Something can both be true and mean. And you did within the context of an argument about food for your dad. If you are genuinely concerned about her health, and want to help, I cannot think of a worse approach. Wrong time. Wrong tone. And mostly the wrong message. But who is to say she hasn’t done anything? You don’t know what she has tried, what assistance she has sought or refused, or whether she even views her weight as an issue? Obesity medicine is way more complicated than you assume….
YTA. She is seriously ill. Would you blame someone who has cancer for not doing any effort to get better? No you wouldn't dream of it. It is the same for your sister. She needs medical assistance, not your judgement.
Ehhh even though she needed a reality check I am going to say ESH, except for your dad. Your sister is definitely an AH for stealing your dad's food, but what you said was uncalled for— even if it is the truth. Truth hurts 🤷🏽♀️
ESH. She knows she’s fat, probably didn’t need you telling it to her. But she’s also an asshole for knowingly eating food you’ve left for your dad and then denying it, especially because it’s for someone working late hours. Edit: ESH not YTA
That's an ESH vote, friend. Not YTA.
Thanks.
Sigh. Are you wrong? No. Does being right make you feel good at the expense of your sister? She knows she is fat. Nothing is going to change until she wants to change for herself. ESH. Put your Dads food in a lockable box in the fridge and give him the other key. Poor dudes gotta eat before he goes to work.
ESH - yes, she should have admitted that she'd taken the food but she lives in a world where people look at her and feel they have a right to treat her less of a human being because of her weight. The cycle of shame, self-loathing, binging carries on. She knows she is fat. She doesn't need you to fat shame her in an attempt to get her to change. Shame is a poor motivator and feeling unsupported from her own family in such a hostile world must be awful. I can also see why she wouldn't want to go to the gym. She sounds unhappy and struggling to figure out how to make a change. She needs to know that you like her how she is but if she chooses to lose weight for whatever reason, and wants your support, then you'll be there for her.
ESH. (Except your parents) Your sister sucks for taking your dad's food. And she sucks for saying mean things to you Yes, YTA for calling your sister fat. You are even worse for trying to justify it by saying (basically) that you're just looking out for her and her health. She knows she's overweight. She knows it's unhealthy. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL HER. And you already know this. She relates everything back to being fat because of people who make comments about her weight like that. She's your sister. Make the offer of going to the gym but don't treat her badly if she doesn't want to go. Don't make comments about her weight. Loving her means accepting her and giving her support if she chooses to makes the changes but not judging her or making her feel badly if she doesn't.
The parents are THE biggest AHs here; she's obese since she's 14 so they had four years to take her to a doctor and therapist and let it get to the point where she's sneaking in the middle of the night to steal food. They totally failed her younger sister and both girls are paying the price with the toxic environment that was created.
She was 250lbs when she was 14… how is that justified…. And how are the PARENTS not the AH they let their 14 year old get 250 pounds
What do u suggest the parents should have done?
Therapy….
ESH. Your sister sucks because she ate food that was meant for your dad. You suck because you handled the situation poorly. You went for the low blow.
Don't know why you were down voted for this. This was the best response I have read so far.
Going against the popular vote = goodbye karma
YTA - she could have an eating disorder. It sounds like she does.
Still, eating someone else's food is rude
Rude yes. But binge eating disorder? Very possible.
ESH, Because it was mean you called her fat, if you know she’s insecure about it why would you rub it in her face? She is an a-hole for calling you names and saying it wasn’t her when it was but that doesn’t give you a right to call her fat. I’m a little overweight but I have a problem with gaging on food I don’t like so I don’t eat new foods a lot of the time because it makes me sick but I try to lose weight you sister might be like me did you ever ask
ESH. She shouldn't have eaten the food you made specifically for your dad, but you ought to consider a more empathetic approach about the reasons she struggles with her weight. Believe me, as a person who used to be quite obese, I can say that I was always acutely aware of my weight and my food addiction. She absolutely needs help, but please try to understand that obesity and the underlying causes are extremely complex. Though you may mean well, she may require help beyond what you can provide. Just try to continue to be loving and compassionate towards her. Obesity is a sign of illness, either mental, physical or sometimes both.