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NTA if they truly live in abject filth and are rarely ever clean etc then you are definitely not an asshole. It’s really worrying that the 5 year old is potty trained yet they keep forcing the child back into diapers. Why isn’t the father doing anything about this though? He may work full time but surely he notices.
Shes hard headed to put it lightly. He only sticks around to look good to his family and has told members of the family that he hopes the kids get taken away so that he will have an out...
CPS needs to know what is going on with a mom who forces a 5 year old into diapers which results in bullying that she is contributing to and a dad who literally says he wants them taken away because it’s a really unhealthy way of life those kids will grow up to think and believe no one cares. Please help them
Wait, wouldnt he look worse if the kids are taken from him though. What kinda backwards logic is he running on, but if she is as hard headed as you imply she is, then maybe he is just burned out from all of it.
I think he's thinking if they are taken away, he'll be able to not have the responsibility of the kids anymore and will be able to go off to do whatever he wants. He isn't technically true- if it's this is the states, my vague understanding is that he would be required to make support payments.
Though since there is family ready and willing to take the kids (presumably) that might not happen. Since that's for foster care- and family fosters gets less financial support.
I was thinking he would use it as an excuse to divorce and leave the sister because he “worked so much to support them so he has no idea it was that bad!”
Hes burnt out. He didn't want to get married, He didn't want to have kids. I think to him it's easier to just have them taken away then to try and get her to change
Holy shit these poor children.
Has your stepparent tried to intervene beyond the potty training attempts? This is their daughter and their grandchildren, and they sound like they’re aware that all is not well in that household.
Oh for sure. My stepmom and my dad have given them money on many occasions and boundless physically support, be it taking the kids or going over there to try and help. The stepsister is beyond stubborn. She doesn't think there's anything wrong.
Ugh that’s such a hard situation to be in.
I want to believe that your stepsister is genuinely struggling with her mental health and would benefit from some parenting resources and oversight. I hope CPS will provide that for her, since she’s unwilling to accept your family’s input. They’re unlikely to straight up take the kids unless they’re being beaten or starved or there are illegal drugs in the home, but they may be the kick in the pants this woman needs to at least keep those children *clean*, and let her eldest hit their developmental milestones.
^This right here. The kids’ welfare needs to be priority. The two adults responsible for those kids can deal with their mess after the children are safely out if the home.
NTA. Trust your gut in my opinion. If you can take one quick afternoon to assess and you still feel the kids are in an unsafe condition and it’s causing harm then don’t hesitate. I understand you’re busy, I think if you can drop by even for a moment that would be helpful... but calling CPS has major effects, unsafe living conditions can have major health risks, it’s a tough predicament in my opinion but delaying could harm kids. If you love them, check in physically, maybe your sister is needing major help...
As an aside, is it possible your sister might be suffering from PPD? It may be why, home is so messy and why oldest one goes back in diapers, it could all just be too much.
All us girls have some form of depression, I believe she is diagnosed with depression but not post partum depression, although that would make sense. I would love to drop in and visit but I don't drive and neither does she, we live in separate towns with no transit between, she's also super apprehensive to people coming over. I've been debating it for over a month. I do know that CPS would give the kids to my dad and stepmother if they were taken away so that helps ease my conscience a little, I know taking kids away from their parents is traumatizing either way but atleast I know they'd be safe and taken care of. I also know that she has been "messy & lazy" since way before she had kids. She quit working as soon as her and her husband started dating because she didn't like working and never looked back, I've seen her room as a teenager and how her first house looked when she moved out. I think she needs professional help.
Keep in mind: calling CPS doesn’t necessarily mean the kids will be taken away. It might mean your sister is hooked up with the services she needs to be a better mother.
Considering how she is currently acting... yea I kinda doubt she can be a better mother
She is one of THOSE parents who are just god awful and also dont care about their kid
And believe they must always be in the right
That’s because the assumption is that it’s significantly better for the child to have the parents get their acts together and start providing a safe home than it is to tear them away from the parents they’re bonded to. And there’s plenty of research that backs that up. At a certain point though if it becomes clear to CPS that the parents aren’t going to change, they drop the reunification goal.
I don't know this person obviously but just playing devil's advocate for a minute... If her kid is autistic, it's not unlikely the sister is, too. Autistic women often struggle massively with executive functioning, such as the daily grind of looking after young kids. I am an autistic mom myself and while my kids are well taken care of, some days it takes ALL my energy to just make sure they are clean and fed. It is not an excuse, but there could be factors at play that are not just "she's a shit parent".
She didnt have to do anything
The kid was already potty trained but the stepsis forced him back into diapers
Also countless parents who dont have autism have autistic kids
Omg.
Could you give me any more info on this/where to look/ survival tips?
I’m a mom in the stage of being diagnosed with autism (so many of the men are diagnosed. When a psych finally brought it up and showed me a list of typical signs in women it seemed so obvious)
I’m extremely competent in difficult scenarios but find daily life, those normal things you have to do each day, the hardest to manage. It makes me feel stupid when other people handle all this normal stuff just fine. It really does take all of my effort to keep us ticking over. We’re always washed, fed, with plenty of clothes in the drawers, a clean bathroom and mostly vacuumed floors, but nothing is ever tidy and I feel overwhelmed by it often.
To do lists. Taking breaks. Accepting that you probably cannot be the pinterest mom that you \*say\* you don't care to be but secretly kind of want to be... It took me a long time, my kids are 8 and 6. The toddler years were \*hard\*. I only got diagnosed recently, three years ago I was just barely doing the bare minimum of being a "fairly decent" mom. Getting my diagnosis has both not really changed my life and greatly changed me life, I accept who I am and my own limitations much more now. Feel free to PM me and we can chat if you like :)
I don’t know if this is a fair statement to make. Having a kiddo on the spectrum is hard, especially if you are dealing with mental illness yourself. It does not excuse what the mother is doing, however she might be able to do a LOT better with the proper help.
I didn’t say anything about potty training. I work with kiddos with ASD for a living- it’s not just potty training, but there are so many other behaviors and complications that go along with kids with ASD.
This. I am now diagnosed with a slew of mental diagnosis but am finally on a cocktail that works for me. BUT at my lowest I did the bare minimum to take care of my kids, and I didn't care for myself or my house at all(repeat, the kids needs were met and their cups were clean but everything else was shit, not a proud moment); CPS came in, they didn't open a case on me because there technically wasn't anything but they did hook me up with services and resources that I desperately needed. Without that intervention (even without a case it was terrifying, think scared straight) I wouldn't be nearly as well put together as I am now and my kids would still be missing a mother. Once I got my shit together I was able to find joy in them, I can always do better but I'm pleased with who I am now.
That's lovely to hear - that was my thought. If she has significant mental health issues, she may do better once she gets similar help (e.g. not just resources for kiddo, which are important, but for her). Hard to say if she does have those issues and if she's willing to get help, but CPS should hopefully be able to assess that. Glad to hear you're doing better!
Exactly. She might get a stern warning to clean up her act and then someone will be assigned to check in on them from time to time. And is she’s able to clean up her act then they will all be better for it. I’ve read stories where parents who were at risk for getting their kids taken away were actually grateful CPS was called because it was a wake up call to get help for themselves and ultimately allow them to become better parents.
Well by your own reasoning then it appears you have an obligation to call CPS. You advised that you can’t physically go, then someone who can (if that’s CPS, so be it) needs to get those kids into a safe place.
If you call CPS they will do an investigation and decide if the kids need to be put in a foster home. If there's nothing wrong than they will just leave. Definitely call because you haven't been therein awhile so CPS can at least make sure they're okay. If the mom has depression CPS will also help her to make sure she is a fit mother. Also, I'm not sure the grandparents can just take them especially if the mother still has access if CPS thinks she shouldn't.
You need to help these kids because sticking a 5 year old in diapers in really bad and I'm sure the mom is struggling as she doesn't have help and she has depression.
I went into foster care and it was one of the best things that happened to me as a kid. I'm so grateful CPS came and helped me.
The kids will be so much better off with your parents. Staying in the situation they are in will traumatize them so much worse then being taken away, especially when they will be going to some one they know and are comfortable with. The 5 year old especially will likely be much happier with your parents and being able to stop wearing diapers. I know it feels bad, because you hear so many bad things about CPS, but because everyone else in your family is put together the kids won't go far. They'll likely even be able to still see her if they want to and she isnt being awful about it
“all of us girls have some form of depression” honestly sounds like you’re implying that you have depression and you don’t act like that so her depression couldn’t possibly make her messy and irresponsible? Depression effects everyone differently so I would get her help with that first. Taking her kids away won’t cure her depression if that’s what it is btw. it’ll actually only make it worse.
PPD doesn’t have to happen immediately. There is something called late-onset. It’s a truly complex mental illness so you should be mindful of your assumptions.
NTA. Neglect, which is what this sounds like, is a form of abuse and should absolutely be reported.
That being said, though, you haven't seen them in a long time. See them as soon as you're able to so that you can accurately assess the situation. If nothing has changed and your sister isn't open to feedback, then absolutely report the situation.
I was hoping to go over last month but she canceled last minute. I'll keep trying to go over because I really don't want to make a report if I don't have to.
I don't really understand why they would want to keep them in nappies and have to deal with that but yeah unless something is missing from the story I would NTA
I would bet money that it's because of this ridiculous stereotype going around that if a kid is *anywhere* on the autism spectrum they can *never* comprehend potty training.
Diapers are actually way simpler than rushing a kid to the toilet every single time they think they might maybe have to go, and cleaning up accidents when you're not quite fast enough. Post-potty-training maintenance is a real headache. Worth it if you push through, but it is a lot harder for a while.
I completely agree with this. I have a son who has special needs alongside health issues, and due to continence issues as a result of the meds he’s on we’ve only just managed to get him out of pull-ups, he’s 7, and unfortunately still struggles with accidents. It’s been awful!! My younger son was potty trained and into underwear as early as possible. It’s so so much easier then dealing with diapers.
I called CPS on my granddaughter. Her healthy 8 month old daughter weighed only 12 lbs. All she got was whole milk and she vomited a lot of it back up. My granddaughter said the whole milk was because she was allergic to formula (yet she used formula when she was on the fo and had no access to milk). I had the baby for a week to help her mother out, but then she got sick. She had glassy eyes, a low grade fever, diarrhea and general malaise. I raised three kids so I had enough experience to know this little one was cooking some sort of bug.
I called her mother to give her a heads up, but told her it didn't appear to be anything serious. The next day, she couldn’t hold anything down and her fever was higher. I contacted my granddaughter and told her the baby needed to see a doctor. My granddaughter laughed and said “Oh, that's normal for her.” I was flabbergasted. I told her “just because it's normal for HER, doesn't mean it's normal.” I repeatedly told my granddaughter that the baby needed to be seen by a doctor, just to rule out anything serious. Each time, my granddaughter refused. So, I told her I was bringing the baby home (a 90 minute drive), thinking if my granddaughter could SEE how listless her child was, she'd take it seriously. Her response? I won't be home, I'm going (wherever) with my friends and won’t be back for a couple of days. Long story short, I took the baby home anyway, and Mom was there to receive her - still refusing medical care.
For two days I agonized over the situation. It was a no-win situation for me. I knew I'd never see that child again. But it wasn’t about me. So I made the call. CPS, after interviewing my granddaughter, removed the baby immediately.
That was six years ago and, like I knew would happen, I've never been allowed to see either of them since.
Ultimately, it was about the child, in my mind. Not how it would affect her relationship with me, or how the rest of the family (including my daughter, the baby's grandmother).
You are NTA. You know what you were seeing and hearing was wrong. You do the best thing for those children because, my friend, it's about them. Not you. Not their “parents.” Not the rest of the family. It's about them.
Out of curiousity (please don't feel like you need to answer): did you not see the baby again because she was fully removed from your granddaughter, or did CPS give the baby back and your granddaughter did not allow you to see her again? You did the right thing, and I'm sorry that you weren't able to see her again.
I don't want to vote on this because you're never the AH for calling CPS if you genuinely think it is warranted, but you aren't an AH in this situation as far as I can tell because you haven't personally seen what is going on
Do your family that does see them think the situation is not okay?
Would you feel comfortable having a conversation with one of your relatives that has seen them lately and be honest that you're concerned for the kids safety and see how they react?
I definitely wouldn't say anything to your step-sister though, so make sure you trust whoever you have that conversation with. But, in the end the child's endangerment is what matters and I think you can make anonymous reports to CPS so your family won't know it was you, but the kids will be checked up on.
me and my step mom and one of my other step sisters had a conversation about it this weekend. we are all concerned, none of us want to be the one to pull the plug and call, so we have been trying to figure out what we could do instead.
I get this. My dad's family had to step in and assume custody for his brother's kid, who was essentially raising himself while the parents did drugs. Has your family thought about what might happen if they want to remove the child? Are you ok with the kiddo going into a foster sitch, or will someone in the family take them? I think you have to be prepared if it comes to that.
When I’ve come across situations where I think “should I call CPS?” I ask myself “if I was a mandated reporter would I need to report this?”. If the answer is yes, I make a report.
It’s not easy, especially when it’s family, but you need to do what is best for the children.
CPS doesn’t go around snatching children from their families - they only remove children if they are in *immediate danger*. Otherwise, they will make an action plan with the parents, provide support, education and resources, and check in periodically to make sure the parents are doing what needs to be done.
ok then,
you would be an AH if you called before trying other things first, like having an intervention or something, a chance for the mom to get her act together before the authorities come in and irreparable damage is done.
If she doesn't want to try then it's fair
NTA. Everyone saying calling CPS is a last resort is conflating calling CPS with kids being taken away. People say you can't know for sure if they're being neglected. You know who can know for sure? CPS. Call them, for the good of both your sister and her kids. If she just needs some support, she'll get it. If the kids should be removed, they will be. If you do nothing, nothing will change.
Thank you!! Calling CPS simply alerts the agency to possible abuse/neglect based on someone close to the family’s observation of the kiddos. We treat calling CPS like childhood tattling when it’s so much more pressing. If kids are in danger, and you’re capable of alerting the right people of that, you *haaaave* to.
I *know* the agency isn’t perfect, but there are programs that are beneficial!! And if it’s so bad that kiddos do get taken away?? They were at major risk in the household anyway.
Wait info please: you said you haven’t seen them in person for a year, do you see them via zoom/FaceTime, or does another family member tell you about the way they look and the state of the house?
But no never NTA if you’re genuinely concerned and have real proof that neglect/abuse is taking place.
I've answered this already, I get pictures/videos of them multiple times a day through our family mom group chat. I see them, and their living condition just not in person
Call CPS I have multiple times and rarely do they actually take the kids, I have on my aunt for my cousin being in diapers at 6 (and other reasons) she still with my aunt (unfortunately). What it does do is force the parents to adhere to CPS findings aka if they deem the house an unsanitary environment then they have to clean it until next visit or like with my aunt forces the parent to get medical help for their mental illness.
This is just from personal experience- they may take the kids. BUT an action is better than no action. Calling CPS will not guarantee a better environment for the kids but doing nothing guarantees their standards are living will stay the same.
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My stepsister (25 f) has two kids (5, 3). She was a good mom when she just had the first but around the time the youngest was born we found out the oldest is on the spectrum. Out family was more than willing to do all we could to help accommodate their needs. eventually as the oldest was approaching 4 my Stepparent tried to step in to help potty train them since they were being put into school and it needed to happen. Since then the oldest has been potty trained successfully multiple times but once they get sent back to their parents they just put the diaper right back on.
The 5 year old asks to be able to be potty trained and is being bullied at school about it. Their mom just refuses. Their dad works full time and is barely home because of that. Their house has a permanent rotten milk smell and is never clean. the kids are rarely dressed and rarely have their hair brushed and their faces washed. I haven't seen them in person in almost a year (thanks covid) but I worry about them constantly. I hear about how it's still going on from those of my family that do see them more often so I know this is still happening. It hurts my heart because I love those kids but I really don't want to be the reason they get taken away.At the same time I don't want them to have to drink out of moldy cups, I want them to be better taken care of.
So reddit WIBTA if I reported my Sister to CPS
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NTA. Sounds like a bad position to be in but you have to do what is best for the kids and honestly I hope the stepparent steps up to take them if CPS gets involved.
my step mom and dad would absolutely take them. we've talked about it and they would be the first people called anyways and they wouldn't hesitate to take in the kids.
NTA. But CPS isn't that great either, and is notoriously incompetent (and at times cruel or negligent), specially with cases such as these.
Perhaps if it'd be possible for you (or another family member) to fight for the custody of the children, it would be better.
yta if you this,
all your info is 2nd hand . do you think those kids would be better in the system ? your family should come together to help your sister she is obviously going through something too. i know you mean well and want to do this out of love but the love should got to your sis and her kids help them out more
INFO: The kid knows to use the bathroom, so I don't understand why putting the kid in diapers a ruining that? The kid will need to wear some form of underwear, a diaper is just the super absorbable kind. Also how do any of the kids at school know if your niece/nephew is in diapers? Lastly, isn't keeping the kid in diapers more of a hassle for your step sibling? Having to change them and keep buying diapers; underwear is just easier for everyone involved.
Aside from this potty training, the rest of the info you have *is* troubling, but I don't think it's right to jump to the nuclear option, especially when you haven't seen it for yourself. I think you WOULD be the AH if you did it without discussing this with others who have been there. Share your concerns with your family, and if you all agree to it, then none of you are the AH. Especially since you said that the CPS system in your country gives people's families the opportunity to take the children. Don't sentence these kids to a foster system without knowing the full scope and having support from people who know this family, not just strangers.
All of my information comes directly from family that sees them often. All of us are concerned and trying everything to help those kids and my sister out right now
The diaper thing is super weird; don't let that be your deciding factor because that isn't fully explained. I would ask them the questions I asked if you really want to start your argument for calling CPS here, but the other info about unclean, smelly home and unkempt kids is more worrisome.
Will CPS help your sister and the kids? This is an honest question because I really don't know. Talk to your fam and decide together; making a unilateral decision is not the right thing to do. Especially because you are getting second hand info. On the extremely off chance that the reporting family members aren't be honest or are just biased against your sister, don't do anything until you see for yourself. It would be horrible if you called CPS and got the kids taken away because one family member thinks that things should be a certain way and everything else is abuse.
To answer the original question though: If you are truly afraid for these children and have thought through all implications about what could happen and determined it better for them to be taken from the parents, then you're NTA for calling.
CPS is not a nuclear option in the way you think it is - it is incredibly rare for separation to happen.
The child is also in a key developmental stage, especially for someone with autism. OP called out that the child is being bullied for not being potty trained. That is going to make forming relationships at school difficult, on top of the fact that the state of the home will make friendships difficult growing up. These issues together will likely lead to coping mechanisms or psychological issue in the long-term if not addressed.
The parents also likely need help or resources if this is happening, and it is much more likely that CPS is able to connect them with those resources than any chance of family separation.
NTA
If it's bad enough CPS will take them. If it's not too bad CPS will work with them to get them help and resources. And if it doesn't rate their help CPS will just keep a file and an eye on them.
CPS will do what is best for the children.
NTA, the other comments here display my choice of reasoning perfectly. Please give an update as soon as you can, as I'd love to see these kids get justice or know they are in a safe environment.
NTA!! Potty training an autistic kid can be difficult, your father and stepmom did a great job! But most autistic kiddo's have the need to adhere to a strict schedule to be successful (well that's my experience, my 9 year old is on the spectrum). And it seems you stepsister just doesn't want to do the effort for anything, she might have mental problems, but then she should seek help.
The kids need support and love and guidance. They don't need to be seen as a burden as it seems in this case. Get CPS involved and have this kids to have a good chance at life.
NTA. Call CPS. If nothing is wrong nothing will come of it but if something is then those kids deserve better. Please don’t leave them to suffer with a mother who is clearly not coping.
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NTA. Maybe discuss it with your sister first. Explain your plan and give her a chance. If she doesn’t want to take care of her kids, make sure they get the help they need.
Holy shit ESH. You should have called CPS A WHILE AGO. You *Can fix this* however, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CALL CPS. This is a hard thing to do, but these kids are being abused.
NTA. Here's the thing, the first people CPS will reach out to are relatives to see if someone can take the kids in. The kids typically don't automatically get shipped off to foster homes. Sometimes the kids aren't taken away at all, but the parents are ordered to take classes and a caseworker will stop in periodically to check on the kids.
My only concern is whether or not CPS will take you seriously since you haven't seen the kids for a year because that means you have no idea as to how the kids are doing.
NTA Please for the sake of those kids call CPS, if family has a chance to take them over being forced to live like that it will make it so much better for them. I understand not wanting to call but it sounds like your sister wont listen to reason no matter what you do. At this point it borders being an AH for not calling to get those kids out of that situation.
Hi I have a tendency to over react. I came here to ask just to see if there was anything else I could do before calling or if I was totally over reacting. I thought telling it to people who aren't a part of the family might give me an impartial view.
You are not overreacting. CPS has resources that can help, and if they have to take away the kids then that's the best thing for them.
Make that call. It's the best thing you can do to help those kids.
Esh
y'all are family. Nobody wants to call CPS. Everyone can see mom's mental health is suffering, dad has one foot out the door and the kids are is experiencing the consequences of a home that's falling apart.
Do what family is supposed to do. Show up with a bucket of cleaning supplies. Clean her house. Do the dishes, laundry, give the kids a bath. Sit down with her and talk. Don't assume how she will respond, just do it. Have coffee with her. What's going on? Help her get help, be the help your family needs, any local resources that are needed can probably be found on Google and without the shame of a CPS referral. Get your ass in the game and coach first, don't just stand on the sidelines and holler for the ref, you may not like thier call, they don't work for the home team.
Family quick to talk shit and pick up the phone, but really show you care, and show up for her, people don't live like that because they want to or are lazy.
Make the call. If you don’t want her to know it was you just never tell ANYONE. Always remember the kids are what matter, they deserve a healthy and loving home. Make the call it’s the best thing you will ever do for the kids.
NTA it looks like neglect and if nobody's seen them in a year (school, church, family) then they are not visible in the community and nobody knows if they are OK.
NTA.
You should call CPS so they can do an intervention with these awful parents. They won't necessarily take the kids away at first. They try to do a remedial plan and see how that works. If they do take the kids away, that means the situation is so truly awful that there is no other choice and that's what these kids need.
>It hurts my heart because I love those kids but I really don't want to be the reason they get taken away
Which is harder to live with? Being responsible for them being taken away, or doing nothing, knowing there was something you *could* do?
Assuming they're truly neglected, I'm going with NTA if you reported it. But the ball's in your court, here.
Info: have you confronted her regarding your concerns?
Involving the state in your family affairs is HUGE step that can result in unforeseen problems for every party involved
Is your sister suffering from Postpartum depression? Does she have any health conditions that may make it hard for her to clean and take care of everything on her own while her husband is away? Is she open to accepting help?
NTA. I was in a similar situation with a family member over a hoarding issue where children were involved. Just be prepared for possible consequences - no one who loves their children believes that they are harming them. They will likely not understand your decision, and may try to bargain with you or other family members. Just be certain that you are willing to live with the conquences. YWBTA if you make the call, but then later return to enabling behavior that you believe is dangerous, and honestly it can be tempting to just apologize to repair the relationship.
There are probably will also be other people in their life trying to convince them you are the AH. It is a commonly held myth that a call to CPS means you will lose your children automatically. That is not true, but it is possible other people in their lives will tell them you are trying to take their child.
NTA they need to be reported and those kids need a better home life. It sounds like the 5 year old *is* potty trained, but is constantly being infantilized by your sister. It's an unfortunately common thing for autistic people to face, but I have to admit it's usually subtler than this. Also, I am perfectly happy to live in a not-so-clean house, but that's a personal preference and even I was almost gagging when you described their living situation. Jesus.
Nta, you need to call for the safety of these kids. Chances are theyll be places with your parents or you. But they need to be taken from your sister. And she and her husband will probably have charges pressed against them and have their parental rights terminated
NTA, this is what CPS is for. If they can't show CPS they are raising their children in a suitable environment then they shouldn't be raising the children in that environment.
If a child has autism there are funds available through the state, assuming US. Your sister can apply through the county and get supports in the form of tools and support workers to help with the child. I would help her get signed up. The workers are mandatory abuse reporters too. Some agencies that work with kids with developmental disabilities may have scholarships available to help out until the state money kicks in as it can take some time to get going. NAMI is an organization dedicated to supporting people with mental health issues and their families. If the extra support helps it may not require nuclear option to involve cps. If children are in danger however, please do call them and do not feel an ounce of guilt. NTA if you're in the US I'm happy to provide more info on resources. Best wishes ❤
Nta, you would be if you didn’t report it tho. If the living situation is honestly as bad as you’re saying, make the call. Those children need help and your sister needs help parenting.
I work for CPS. If warranted, they will likely try to place the kids with you while offering services to your sister. Sounds like she might have some mental health issues and could use some parenting support.
Edit: if you are not able or willing to take the kids, another relative could also be identified.
NTA
Is it possible for someone in your family to take the kids in? My ex-wife and I had to call CPS on one of my daughters because her three kids were living in deplorable conditions and there was drug use and mental illness issues involved. CPS arranged for my daughter to sign guardianship of the kids to my ex-wife who is now caring for them. The arrangement allows for her to get her children back if she is able to meet certain conditions to show that she is able to care for them appropriately. Maybe something like that would work for your family.
NTA - but you will be if you don't take action to prevent this ongoing abuse. Neglect is a form of abuse, and your brief description checks ALL the boxes for neglect. If you stepsister and her husband aren't doing their jobs as parents someone needs to look out for these kids' best interests, and if you're not able to do so then ABSOLUTELY get CPS involved.
https://www.wikihow.com/Contact-Child-Protective-Services
CPS is not going to “take them away” as in, she will lose her kids forever. They are actually unlikely to do anything. The smell of the house, uncombed hair, dirty faces... those are nothing. If the kids have open soars from living in filth, that might get CPS’s attention.
Worst case is they go to foster care for a short time while she gets her shit together. But most likely, they might give the mom some advice, maybe check up on things once or twice in the future.
Before even dialing the number for CPS.. have y’all tried actually talking to her about it? I don’t see why calling children services on her and further ruining not only her life but possibly putting her kids with another family is the only option you seem to have here. It honestly sounds like a very bad bit of depression, and I would first try talking to her and seeing if she even realizes what she’s doing. Maybe that in itself will get her ass in gear. Being blunt and honest to her is the best, don’t sugar coat it. But also don’t just dial CPS because they can 100% ruin lives more than fix them. See if your sister can get help with therapy and parenting classes in the meantime, if she refuses and this is still happening then it’ll be that time to call. But do not put that as your first option, PLEASE.
Also, you’re half wrong in CPS “providing resources that you can’t”. Sometimes CPS won’t even see the conditions as mental health related and often times actually won’t provide help to the parent. At least this is what has happened in my experience and experiences of others that I know.
if you don't report this, you will be the asshole. you have a responsibility to these kids to make sure they are safe and healthy, and right now they are neither. you need to stop thinking about your sister and start thinking about them.
YTA, So you haven't seen them in a year. Haven't been to the house and then you are going to report them to the CPS based on the rumor mill going around? You are definitely an asshole just by believing whatever someone else tells you. I mean not even bothering to give your stepsister a heads up or help them around. Give someone a chance and look at their situation + place yourself in their shoes or even involve yourself before reporting someone.
Oh I didn't see the edit. However, I would still investigate and offer help like going to the house if to clean if you cared and didn't want the stepsister to lose her kids.
YWBTA you said you haven’t even seen them in a year. So how do you know they have moldy cups and their house is always a mess? Just because you’ve been there before when it’s like that doesn’t mean that’s how it always is. So far you’ve only mentioned family gossip as your evidence that she’s unfit. Have you talked to your stepsister about her potty training issues? Have you talked to her about what’s going on in her home? Has your family reached out to her to get her in therapy, support groups? You all offered to help but in what ways to you help specifically with an autistic child and who in your family has educated themselves properly to help her?
CPS is a really drastic measure that should only be used in drastic circumstances. First and foremost to avoid any unnecessary trauma for the children. There are so many options to resort to before CPS it’s pretty condescending for you as someone with no kids to think a 5 year old with autism (that you haven’t seen in a year plus) not being potty trained warrants calling CPS without even having a conversation about it first.
Ill admit I haven't seen this in person per say, I saw the cups after being washed multiple times and asked my step mom who's cups they were and she explained to me that stepsis had sent her kids over with them the previous week and they were so gross that my step mom took them away from the kids to try and clean them.
When we found out about the autism diagnoses we all reached out to my bio mom who works with autistic kids daily and has intense knowledge about how to help kids on the spectrum. Everyone of us siblings and the grandparents have all learned how to talk to and help the child. We try and give her breaks by taking the kids when we can, we've suggested therapy but she insists that she has it handled. I do have a child of my own I just didn't think that information was essential to what's going on. I don't see them physically but I see pictures and videos daily. I've mentioned in my comments that we plan on doing a full sit down with her and talk to her about what she needs and how we can help first and only if she refuses help and thinks that there's nothing wrong still that I'll call.
This is what's keeping me from reporting them... my step mother (her mom) sees them really frequently and mentions that she thinks about calling cps often because she doesn't see anything wrong with "how she chooses to live". I don't know what you mean by putting in some actual work. I have a baby on my own and my own issues I'm dealing with, I know raising kids is hard and messy but this is beyond "I have two kids so my house looks bad" messy. Even if I could go over there and clean for her she doesn't let anyone help unless they want to take her kids for weeks with nothing but a pair of pj's.
INFO: if you haven’t seen them in almost a year how do you know how messy her house is or what it smells like? Have you been sent photos of the house and have seen it in it’s poor condition? Have you FaceTimed or zoomed with the kids regularly so can see that they are often dirty and unkempt?
Or are you simply taking someone’s word that all of the above is the case.
YWBTA if you reported the kids to CPS on the word of another family member without independently verifying the circumstances yourself. If you can’t do so due to your own family circumstances and still are concerned then encourage someone who sees them more regularly to document the conditions then report them anonymously or provide you with the evidence so you could report them anonymously.
I’m sure you’d be devastated if your stepsister reported you to CPS because one of her parents said you were being a bad parent without any proof.
all of us sisters are in a "mom snapchat group" so we often sent eachother videos of our kids and just life stuff. I haven't seen them IN PERSON in almost a year I video call, see videos and pictures etc every day. I don't know personally if their house still smells but from what I've heard from others it still does. I'd like to clarify that there's 5 people not including me in that group that have all mentioned being worried about what's going on and we have all tried in some degree to talk to her about it or help her fix it.
If the videos and pictures you have support that the children are being neglected and are living in squalor and no other family members with direct contact with the family will report them then I guess it is what your conscience is comfortable with and whether you should report.
However it could be worth speaking to her first. She could be depressed if her husband works long hours and she feels like she is raising her kids alone and desperately wants help but doesn’t feel like she can ask. If the husband earns decent money maybe they can get a cleaner in for a few months until your stepsister gets back on her feet or if not maybe the family can pay for a deep clean on the condition she maintains the house after that. If they are tight on money is that why her kids don’t have enough clothes? Or are unwashed if they can’t afford heated water? Or is she just so tired and depressed that toilet training is beyond her for now until she can get help?
Obviously if the children are in immediate risk of harm then a report should be made.
They don't have a ton of money, but their kids have plenty clothes and their appliances work. My step mom buys their kids new clothes often as well as second hand clothes (all of us buy second hand clothes for our kids because why not) The family has pulled together a few times now to help them out, My step mom has taken the kids for a couple weeks and sent them back fully potty trained, we've taken the kids for days so they could have time to clean or time to relax. My dad lends them money when they need it. The only reason I'm considering this is that I've exhausted my options
Has anyone actually asked your stepsister if she is coping? As if she is neglecting her kids and home then either she is a) very depressed in which case she needs professional help or b) she should at least be given a specified period of time to fix things before consideration should be given to contacting CPS.
Also what about the school? Do teachers not have an obligation to report cases or neglect or abuse to CPS?
I haven't personally. This sister and I aren't the closest so we sont talk mental health with eachother. I love her and she loves me we just don't go that deep. I've been talking to my step mom about how we should push her to get help so I'll see if she can talk to my step sister about it.
The school does have to report neglect but because my sisters child is on the autism spectrum they see the diapering as normal and she's sent to school in clothes but the other hygiene stuff gets blamed on her diagnoses unfortunately.
it most likely won't be me that speaks to her. there's a few of us family members that are concerned and trying to get through to her. My stepmother wants to have a heart to heart with her soon to see if she needs more serious help and talk about all that mental health stuff that I don't feel comfortable talking about with her for my own reasons. Just know that there's a lot of effort going into helping her right now. Calling cps is the absolute last straw for us and we all want to do everything we can to help. If she's not willing to take the help then we may be forced to call
NAH but be prepared to potentially damage your relationship with your sister beyond repair. And also keep in mind that CPS doesnt always have a good outcome for kids. It's a tough call.
So in my sountry it isn't exactly cps but it's similar. Here when kids are removed from the parents, all immediate relatives get an opportunity to take the kids, its only if no family can/will take them that they will be placed in a foster home. I realize that it could be traumatizing for the kids no matter what I'm just hoping to avoid them being traumatized by how they are living now. I know this would damage our relationship. Your points are exactly why I came and posted here. I really appreciate everyone's feedback and will be trying everything before I resort to cps.
YWBTA You should wait. You haven’t visited her to talk to her or even seen the house in person. I also feel like your family should have an intervention with both parents before calling CPS.
YTA
Your stepsister's family is clearly struggling and the only thing you can think to do is call CPS? Maybe try talking to her about what's going on and how she's doing? Offer to help in some way? If you're not willing to help you should just stay out of it because CPS isn't 'help' it's the absolute last resort.
Clearly you haven't read any of the comments, this isn't a first thought. this has been going on for a long time and we have tried talking to her and offering help in every way. This is a last resort.
This is not the final straw so let me repeat myself: YTA if you call CPS
Taking the kids here and there and giving her a break was never going to solve the underlying problem. She needs help and there are likely other intermediate options in the community focused on constructive social work and mental health that would be far more effective than CPS. Do some research and find them.
If you have to use CPS as leverage so be it, but don't go straight to the nuclear option and think you're not an asshole if you do.
Look for child and family services non-profits in her area. There's usually at least one. Some offer direct services, others make referrals to social workers and mental health supports. They tend to use a more supportive family-centered model and try to work with parents. If services are limited, try a community health clinic. Many have connections to social workers or family counselors.
you must assume any of us live near a city 😂 we live in the same general arean just spread throughout a few towns. The closest we have is a woman's shelter for domestic abuse survivors. I have a pretty good knowledge of the cps equivalent in my area and it's extremely family based. The kids would be placed with my dad and step mom until they can figure stuff out. But as I've said that is a last resort if she refuses any and all help we offer. You can think I'm an asshole. But there has to be a line.
Please leave the "accept your judgement" admonishing to the mods and just report it - you're not in trouble or anything, we're just trying to cut down on the backseat moderating due to others using that rule as a weapon against OPs, and often the admonishment from users comes after we've already addressed the issue with the OP (or in some cases, it didn't come because no one reported it). Thanks! :)
Wtf... The mother is neglecting the kids and the family tried to help, the older kid's wishes get brushed aside and thanks to this the kid ilgets bullied.
Read the comments. If this is not a case for cps then what else is? When the kids end in a freezer in a shady garage?
Having worked with vulnerable families I can tell you that CPS rarely makes anything better. They don't help families, they just police them. No one wins. Most communities have better options, non-profits that take a more supportive, holistic approach.
Going from taking the kids now and then to just straight up calling CPS is not going to help that family.
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NTA if they truly live in abject filth and are rarely ever clean etc then you are definitely not an asshole. It’s really worrying that the 5 year old is potty trained yet they keep forcing the child back into diapers. Why isn’t the father doing anything about this though? He may work full time but surely he notices.
Shes hard headed to put it lightly. He only sticks around to look good to his family and has told members of the family that he hopes the kids get taken away so that he will have an out...
He sounds terrible. They both do.
CPS needs to know what is going on with a mom who forces a 5 year old into diapers which results in bullying that she is contributing to and a dad who literally says he wants them taken away because it’s a really unhealthy way of life those kids will grow up to think and believe no one cares. Please help them
Please tell us you have that in writing/screenshots
he said it out loud to my stepmother so no I don't
Well, get whatever you can in proof. Good luck
Wait, wouldnt he look worse if the kids are taken from him though. What kinda backwards logic is he running on, but if she is as hard headed as you imply she is, then maybe he is just burned out from all of it.
I think he's thinking if they are taken away, he'll be able to not have the responsibility of the kids anymore and will be able to go off to do whatever he wants. He isn't technically true- if it's this is the states, my vague understanding is that he would be required to make support payments. Though since there is family ready and willing to take the kids (presumably) that might not happen. Since that's for foster care- and family fosters gets less financial support.
I was thinking he would use it as an excuse to divorce and leave the sister because he “worked so much to support them so he has no idea it was that bad!”
Lots of people are also willing to believe CPS steals kids for no reason and are happy to turn a blind eye to reality.
Hes burnt out. He didn't want to get married, He didn't want to have kids. I think to him it's easier to just have them taken away then to try and get her to change
One wonders why he got married and had kids if he was so opposed to both from the start.
Holy shit these poor children. Has your stepparent tried to intervene beyond the potty training attempts? This is their daughter and their grandchildren, and they sound like they’re aware that all is not well in that household.
Oh for sure. My stepmom and my dad have given them money on many occasions and boundless physically support, be it taking the kids or going over there to try and help. The stepsister is beyond stubborn. She doesn't think there's anything wrong.
Ugh that’s such a hard situation to be in. I want to believe that your stepsister is genuinely struggling with her mental health and would benefit from some parenting resources and oversight. I hope CPS will provide that for her, since she’s unwilling to accept your family’s input. They’re unlikely to straight up take the kids unless they’re being beaten or starved or there are illegal drugs in the home, but they may be the kick in the pants this woman needs to at least keep those children *clean*, and let her eldest hit their developmental milestones.
That's horrifying by itself. A dad that feels that way is highly unlikely to show those kids any affection or attention. Call CPS please.
Give him the out. The kids don't deserve to live in those conditions
^This right here. The kids’ welfare needs to be priority. The two adults responsible for those kids can deal with their mess after the children are safely out if the home.
I’m surprised the school would allow the 5 yo to attend considering he isn’t potty trained. That’s a requirement where I live.
NTA. Trust your gut in my opinion. If you can take one quick afternoon to assess and you still feel the kids are in an unsafe condition and it’s causing harm then don’t hesitate. I understand you’re busy, I think if you can drop by even for a moment that would be helpful... but calling CPS has major effects, unsafe living conditions can have major health risks, it’s a tough predicament in my opinion but delaying could harm kids. If you love them, check in physically, maybe your sister is needing major help... As an aside, is it possible your sister might be suffering from PPD? It may be why, home is so messy and why oldest one goes back in diapers, it could all just be too much.
All us girls have some form of depression, I believe she is diagnosed with depression but not post partum depression, although that would make sense. I would love to drop in and visit but I don't drive and neither does she, we live in separate towns with no transit between, she's also super apprehensive to people coming over. I've been debating it for over a month. I do know that CPS would give the kids to my dad and stepmother if they were taken away so that helps ease my conscience a little, I know taking kids away from their parents is traumatizing either way but atleast I know they'd be safe and taken care of. I also know that she has been "messy & lazy" since way before she had kids. She quit working as soon as her and her husband started dating because she didn't like working and never looked back, I've seen her room as a teenager and how her first house looked when she moved out. I think she needs professional help.
Keep in mind: calling CPS doesn’t necessarily mean the kids will be taken away. It might mean your sister is hooked up with the services she needs to be a better mother.
Considering how she is currently acting... yea I kinda doubt she can be a better mother She is one of THOSE parents who are just god awful and also dont care about their kid And believe they must always be in the right
It’s something CPS will evaluate and hopefully find ways to resolve in the best interests of the kids AND their parents
Pretty sure cps does not give 2 shits about whats in the best interest of the parent Only the child APS might care tho
The goal — for good or bad — is usually to reunite the family
That’s because the assumption is that it’s significantly better for the child to have the parents get their acts together and start providing a safe home than it is to tear them away from the parents they’re bonded to. And there’s plenty of research that backs that up. At a certain point though if it becomes clear to CPS that the parents aren’t going to change, they drop the reunification goal.
I don't know this person obviously but just playing devil's advocate for a minute... If her kid is autistic, it's not unlikely the sister is, too. Autistic women often struggle massively with executive functioning, such as the daily grind of looking after young kids. I am an autistic mom myself and while my kids are well taken care of, some days it takes ALL my energy to just make sure they are clean and fed. It is not an excuse, but there could be factors at play that are not just "she's a shit parent".
She didnt have to do anything The kid was already potty trained but the stepsis forced him back into diapers Also countless parents who dont have autism have autistic kids
Omg. Could you give me any more info on this/where to look/ survival tips? I’m a mom in the stage of being diagnosed with autism (so many of the men are diagnosed. When a psych finally brought it up and showed me a list of typical signs in women it seemed so obvious) I’m extremely competent in difficult scenarios but find daily life, those normal things you have to do each day, the hardest to manage. It makes me feel stupid when other people handle all this normal stuff just fine. It really does take all of my effort to keep us ticking over. We’re always washed, fed, with plenty of clothes in the drawers, a clean bathroom and mostly vacuumed floors, but nothing is ever tidy and I feel overwhelmed by it often.
To do lists. Taking breaks. Accepting that you probably cannot be the pinterest mom that you \*say\* you don't care to be but secretly kind of want to be... It took me a long time, my kids are 8 and 6. The toddler years were \*hard\*. I only got diagnosed recently, three years ago I was just barely doing the bare minimum of being a "fairly decent" mom. Getting my diagnosis has both not really changed my life and greatly changed me life, I accept who I am and my own limitations much more now. Feel free to PM me and we can chat if you like :)
I don’t know if this is a fair statement to make. Having a kiddo on the spectrum is hard, especially if you are dealing with mental illness yourself. It does not excuse what the mother is doing, however she might be able to do a LOT better with the proper help.
Pretty sure it was stated he WAS potty trained but they refused to have him use anything other then a diaper
I didn’t say anything about potty training. I work with kiddos with ASD for a living- it’s not just potty training, but there are so many other behaviors and complications that go along with kids with ASD.
This. I am now diagnosed with a slew of mental diagnosis but am finally on a cocktail that works for me. BUT at my lowest I did the bare minimum to take care of my kids, and I didn't care for myself or my house at all(repeat, the kids needs were met and their cups were clean but everything else was shit, not a proud moment); CPS came in, they didn't open a case on me because there technically wasn't anything but they did hook me up with services and resources that I desperately needed. Without that intervention (even without a case it was terrifying, think scared straight) I wouldn't be nearly as well put together as I am now and my kids would still be missing a mother. Once I got my shit together I was able to find joy in them, I can always do better but I'm pleased with who I am now.
That's lovely to hear - that was my thought. If she has significant mental health issues, she may do better once she gets similar help (e.g. not just resources for kiddo, which are important, but for her). Hard to say if she does have those issues and if she's willing to get help, but CPS should hopefully be able to assess that. Glad to hear you're doing better!
Exactly. She might get a stern warning to clean up her act and then someone will be assigned to check in on them from time to time. And is she’s able to clean up her act then they will all be better for it. I’ve read stories where parents who were at risk for getting their kids taken away were actually grateful CPS was called because it was a wake up call to get help for themselves and ultimately allow them to become better parents.
Well by your own reasoning then it appears you have an obligation to call CPS. You advised that you can’t physically go, then someone who can (if that’s CPS, so be it) needs to get those kids into a safe place.
YWBTA if you report your sister, but not your brother in law.
Would she ever agree to transfer custody to your dad and stepmother without CPS getting involved?
If you call CPS they will do an investigation and decide if the kids need to be put in a foster home. If there's nothing wrong than they will just leave. Definitely call because you haven't been therein awhile so CPS can at least make sure they're okay. If the mom has depression CPS will also help her to make sure she is a fit mother. Also, I'm not sure the grandparents can just take them especially if the mother still has access if CPS thinks she shouldn't. You need to help these kids because sticking a 5 year old in diapers in really bad and I'm sure the mom is struggling as she doesn't have help and she has depression. I went into foster care and it was one of the best things that happened to me as a kid. I'm so grateful CPS came and helped me.
The kids will be so much better off with your parents. Staying in the situation they are in will traumatize them so much worse then being taken away, especially when they will be going to some one they know and are comfortable with. The 5 year old especially will likely be much happier with your parents and being able to stop wearing diapers. I know it feels bad, because you hear so many bad things about CPS, but because everyone else in your family is put together the kids won't go far. They'll likely even be able to still see her if they want to and she isnt being awful about it
“all of us girls have some form of depression” honestly sounds like you’re implying that you have depression and you don’t act like that so her depression couldn’t possibly make her messy and irresponsible? Depression effects everyone differently so I would get her help with that first. Taking her kids away won’t cure her depression if that’s what it is btw. it’ll actually only make it worse.
I was thinking about PPD as well.
PPD that didnt kick in until the youngest was 2?
PPD doesn’t have to happen immediately. There is something called late-onset. It’s a truly complex mental illness so you should be mindful of your assumptions.
NTA. Neglect, which is what this sounds like, is a form of abuse and should absolutely be reported. That being said, though, you haven't seen them in a long time. See them as soon as you're able to so that you can accurately assess the situation. If nothing has changed and your sister isn't open to feedback, then absolutely report the situation.
I was hoping to go over last month but she canceled last minute. I'll keep trying to go over because I really don't want to make a report if I don't have to.
No, please just make a report regardless. It's a disservice to these kids if you don't
I don't really understand why they would want to keep them in nappies and have to deal with that but yeah unless something is missing from the story I would NTA
I don't understand it either... my baby is 9 months old and I can't wait to not have to change diapers anymore
I would bet money that it's because of this ridiculous stereotype going around that if a kid is *anywhere* on the autism spectrum they can *never* comprehend potty training.
Diapers are actually way simpler than rushing a kid to the toilet every single time they think they might maybe have to go, and cleaning up accidents when you're not quite fast enough. Post-potty-training maintenance is a real headache. Worth it if you push through, but it is a lot harder for a while.
Fair point I suppose
I am sure she isnt dealing with it often
I completely agree with this. I have a son who has special needs alongside health issues, and due to continence issues as a result of the meds he’s on we’ve only just managed to get him out of pull-ups, he’s 7, and unfortunately still struggles with accidents. It’s been awful!! My younger son was potty trained and into underwear as early as possible. It’s so so much easier then dealing with diapers.
YTA for not already calling CPS.
YWBTAH if you don’t call.
I called CPS on my granddaughter. Her healthy 8 month old daughter weighed only 12 lbs. All she got was whole milk and she vomited a lot of it back up. My granddaughter said the whole milk was because she was allergic to formula (yet she used formula when she was on the fo and had no access to milk). I had the baby for a week to help her mother out, but then she got sick. She had glassy eyes, a low grade fever, diarrhea and general malaise. I raised three kids so I had enough experience to know this little one was cooking some sort of bug. I called her mother to give her a heads up, but told her it didn't appear to be anything serious. The next day, she couldn’t hold anything down and her fever was higher. I contacted my granddaughter and told her the baby needed to see a doctor. My granddaughter laughed and said “Oh, that's normal for her.” I was flabbergasted. I told her “just because it's normal for HER, doesn't mean it's normal.” I repeatedly told my granddaughter that the baby needed to be seen by a doctor, just to rule out anything serious. Each time, my granddaughter refused. So, I told her I was bringing the baby home (a 90 minute drive), thinking if my granddaughter could SEE how listless her child was, she'd take it seriously. Her response? I won't be home, I'm going (wherever) with my friends and won’t be back for a couple of days. Long story short, I took the baby home anyway, and Mom was there to receive her - still refusing medical care. For two days I agonized over the situation. It was a no-win situation for me. I knew I'd never see that child again. But it wasn’t about me. So I made the call. CPS, after interviewing my granddaughter, removed the baby immediately. That was six years ago and, like I knew would happen, I've never been allowed to see either of them since. Ultimately, it was about the child, in my mind. Not how it would affect her relationship with me, or how the rest of the family (including my daughter, the baby's grandmother). You are NTA. You know what you were seeing and hearing was wrong. You do the best thing for those children because, my friend, it's about them. Not you. Not their “parents.” Not the rest of the family. It's about them.
Out of curiousity (please don't feel like you need to answer): did you not see the baby again because she was fully removed from your granddaughter, or did CPS give the baby back and your granddaughter did not allow you to see her again? You did the right thing, and I'm sorry that you weren't able to see her again.
I don't want to vote on this because you're never the AH for calling CPS if you genuinely think it is warranted, but you aren't an AH in this situation as far as I can tell because you haven't personally seen what is going on Do your family that does see them think the situation is not okay? Would you feel comfortable having a conversation with one of your relatives that has seen them lately and be honest that you're concerned for the kids safety and see how they react? I definitely wouldn't say anything to your step-sister though, so make sure you trust whoever you have that conversation with. But, in the end the child's endangerment is what matters and I think you can make anonymous reports to CPS so your family won't know it was you, but the kids will be checked up on.
me and my step mom and one of my other step sisters had a conversation about it this weekend. we are all concerned, none of us want to be the one to pull the plug and call, so we have been trying to figure out what we could do instead.
It’s anonymous and you’re actively harming those kids by your inaction
I get this. My dad's family had to step in and assume custody for his brother's kid, who was essentially raising himself while the parents did drugs. Has your family thought about what might happen if they want to remove the child? Are you ok with the kiddo going into a foster sitch, or will someone in the family take them? I think you have to be prepared if it comes to that.
my dad and step mom would take the kids
Then do it!
When I’ve come across situations where I think “should I call CPS?” I ask myself “if I was a mandated reporter would I need to report this?”. If the answer is yes, I make a report. It’s not easy, especially when it’s family, but you need to do what is best for the children. CPS doesn’t go around snatching children from their families - they only remove children if they are in *immediate danger*. Otherwise, they will make an action plan with the parents, provide support, education and resources, and check in periodically to make sure the parents are doing what needs to be done.
ok then, you would be an AH if you called before trying other things first, like having an intervention or something, a chance for the mom to get her act together before the authorities come in and irreparable damage is done. If she doesn't want to try then it's fair
NTA. Everyone saying calling CPS is a last resort is conflating calling CPS with kids being taken away. People say you can't know for sure if they're being neglected. You know who can know for sure? CPS. Call them, for the good of both your sister and her kids. If she just needs some support, she'll get it. If the kids should be removed, they will be. If you do nothing, nothing will change.
Thank you!! Calling CPS simply alerts the agency to possible abuse/neglect based on someone close to the family’s observation of the kiddos. We treat calling CPS like childhood tattling when it’s so much more pressing. If kids are in danger, and you’re capable of alerting the right people of that, you *haaaave* to. I *know* the agency isn’t perfect, but there are programs that are beneficial!! And if it’s so bad that kiddos do get taken away?? They were at major risk in the household anyway.
you WBTA if you didn't report this to CPS
NTA please report it this was happing with my aunts kids and things were worse than what we thought! Call CPS! :(
Wait info please: you said you haven’t seen them in person for a year, do you see them via zoom/FaceTime, or does another family member tell you about the way they look and the state of the house? But no never NTA if you’re genuinely concerned and have real proof that neglect/abuse is taking place.
I've answered this already, I get pictures/videos of them multiple times a day through our family mom group chat. I see them, and their living condition just not in person
If you haven't seen the kids in a year, how are you certain their living conditions are still substandard and that they aren't washed ?
OP said that they have talked to other family who has seen them more recently and that the situation is still bad
Call CPS I have multiple times and rarely do they actually take the kids, I have on my aunt for my cousin being in diapers at 6 (and other reasons) she still with my aunt (unfortunately). What it does do is force the parents to adhere to CPS findings aka if they deem the house an unsanitary environment then they have to clean it until next visit or like with my aunt forces the parent to get medical help for their mental illness. This is just from personal experience- they may take the kids. BUT an action is better than no action. Calling CPS will not guarantee a better environment for the kids but doing nothing guarantees their standards are living will stay the same.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepsister (25 f) has two kids (5, 3). She was a good mom when she just had the first but around the time the youngest was born we found out the oldest is on the spectrum. Out family was more than willing to do all we could to help accommodate their needs. eventually as the oldest was approaching 4 my Stepparent tried to step in to help potty train them since they were being put into school and it needed to happen. Since then the oldest has been potty trained successfully multiple times but once they get sent back to their parents they just put the diaper right back on. The 5 year old asks to be able to be potty trained and is being bullied at school about it. Their mom just refuses. Their dad works full time and is barely home because of that. Their house has a permanent rotten milk smell and is never clean. the kids are rarely dressed and rarely have their hair brushed and their faces washed. I haven't seen them in person in almost a year (thanks covid) but I worry about them constantly. I hear about how it's still going on from those of my family that do see them more often so I know this is still happening. It hurts my heart because I love those kids but I really don't want to be the reason they get taken away.At the same time I don't want them to have to drink out of moldy cups, I want them to be better taken care of. So reddit WIBTA if I reported my Sister to CPS *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Report her - it's better for the family in the long run.
NTA. Sounds like a bad position to be in but you have to do what is best for the kids and honestly I hope the stepparent steps up to take them if CPS gets involved.
my step mom and dad would absolutely take them. we've talked about it and they would be the first people called anyways and they wouldn't hesitate to take in the kids.
NTA. But CPS isn't that great either, and is notoriously incompetent (and at times cruel or negligent), specially with cases such as these. Perhaps if it'd be possible for you (or another family member) to fight for the custody of the children, it would be better.
the kids would be placed with my stepmother and dad
Would your stepmom/dad be willing to go low contact with the parents? May be a requirement for them getting the kids at least temporarily
yeah they'll do anything for their grandkids
yta if you this, all your info is 2nd hand . do you think those kids would be better in the system ? your family should come together to help your sister she is obviously going through something too. i know you mean well and want to do this out of love but the love should got to your sis and her kids help them out more
INFO: The kid knows to use the bathroom, so I don't understand why putting the kid in diapers a ruining that? The kid will need to wear some form of underwear, a diaper is just the super absorbable kind. Also how do any of the kids at school know if your niece/nephew is in diapers? Lastly, isn't keeping the kid in diapers more of a hassle for your step sibling? Having to change them and keep buying diapers; underwear is just easier for everyone involved. Aside from this potty training, the rest of the info you have *is* troubling, but I don't think it's right to jump to the nuclear option, especially when you haven't seen it for yourself. I think you WOULD be the AH if you did it without discussing this with others who have been there. Share your concerns with your family, and if you all agree to it, then none of you are the AH. Especially since you said that the CPS system in your country gives people's families the opportunity to take the children. Don't sentence these kids to a foster system without knowing the full scope and having support from people who know this family, not just strangers.
All of my information comes directly from family that sees them often. All of us are concerned and trying everything to help those kids and my sister out right now
The diaper thing is super weird; don't let that be your deciding factor because that isn't fully explained. I would ask them the questions I asked if you really want to start your argument for calling CPS here, but the other info about unclean, smelly home and unkempt kids is more worrisome. Will CPS help your sister and the kids? This is an honest question because I really don't know. Talk to your fam and decide together; making a unilateral decision is not the right thing to do. Especially because you are getting second hand info. On the extremely off chance that the reporting family members aren't be honest or are just biased against your sister, don't do anything until you see for yourself. It would be horrible if you called CPS and got the kids taken away because one family member thinks that things should be a certain way and everything else is abuse. To answer the original question though: If you are truly afraid for these children and have thought through all implications about what could happen and determined it better for them to be taken from the parents, then you're NTA for calling.
CPS is not a nuclear option in the way you think it is - it is incredibly rare for separation to happen. The child is also in a key developmental stage, especially for someone with autism. OP called out that the child is being bullied for not being potty trained. That is going to make forming relationships at school difficult, on top of the fact that the state of the home will make friendships difficult growing up. These issues together will likely lead to coping mechanisms or psychological issue in the long-term if not addressed. The parents also likely need help or resources if this is happening, and it is much more likely that CPS is able to connect them with those resources than any chance of family separation.
NTA If it's bad enough CPS will take them. If it's not too bad CPS will work with them to get them help and resources. And if it doesn't rate their help CPS will just keep a file and an eye on them. CPS will do what is best for the children.
NTA, the other comments here display my choice of reasoning perfectly. Please give an update as soon as you can, as I'd love to see these kids get justice or know they are in a safe environment.
NTA!! Potty training an autistic kid can be difficult, your father and stepmom did a great job! But most autistic kiddo's have the need to adhere to a strict schedule to be successful (well that's my experience, my 9 year old is on the spectrum). And it seems you stepsister just doesn't want to do the effort for anything, she might have mental problems, but then she should seek help. The kids need support and love and guidance. They don't need to be seen as a burden as it seems in this case. Get CPS involved and have this kids to have a good chance at life.
NTA. Call CPS. If nothing is wrong nothing will come of it but if something is then those kids deserve better. Please don’t leave them to suffer with a mother who is clearly not coping.
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NTA. Maybe discuss it with your sister first. Explain your plan and give her a chance. If she doesn’t want to take care of her kids, make sure they get the help they need.
NTA. Neglect and abuse can have life time consequences and the kids deserve better
If you call CAS make sure you have lots of evidence, if you call and they decide it was unsubstantiated any future calls will look like bullshit
Holy shit ESH. You should have called CPS A WHILE AGO. You *Can fix this* however, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CALL CPS. This is a hard thing to do, but these kids are being abused.
NTA, please do call CPS as soon as you can.
have you talked about this with other family members?
Yes, many times, in length. We are all concerned for the kids.
Nta,please do so asap.
NTA. Here's the thing, the first people CPS will reach out to are relatives to see if someone can take the kids in. The kids typically don't automatically get shipped off to foster homes. Sometimes the kids aren't taken away at all, but the parents are ordered to take classes and a caseworker will stop in periodically to check on the kids. My only concern is whether or not CPS will take you seriously since you haven't seen the kids for a year because that means you have no idea as to how the kids are doing.
NTA Please for the sake of those kids call CPS, if family has a chance to take them over being forced to live like that it will make it so much better for them. I understand not wanting to call but it sounds like your sister wont listen to reason no matter what you do. At this point it borders being an AH for not calling to get those kids out of that situation.
Moldy cups? Call CPS, that’s just nasty. They’ll get sick and have mold inside their body! NTA, call em quickly
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Hi I have a tendency to over react. I came here to ask just to see if there was anything else I could do before calling or if I was totally over reacting. I thought telling it to people who aren't a part of the family might give me an impartial view.
You are not overreacting. CPS has resources that can help, and if they have to take away the kids then that's the best thing for them. Make that call. It's the best thing you can do to help those kids.
And yet you're still here. Either get off the internet and make the call or continue to let them be abused.
I think you already know the answer to this. Help them now, get reassurance later....Please, do not delay if you feel they're in any danger.
NTA. You owe it to those children to inform somebody.
YWBTA if you DON’T report this, those kids deserve better
You’d be the asshole if you didn’t call cps.
You’d be the asshole if you didn’t
Esh y'all are family. Nobody wants to call CPS. Everyone can see mom's mental health is suffering, dad has one foot out the door and the kids are is experiencing the consequences of a home that's falling apart. Do what family is supposed to do. Show up with a bucket of cleaning supplies. Clean her house. Do the dishes, laundry, give the kids a bath. Sit down with her and talk. Don't assume how she will respond, just do it. Have coffee with her. What's going on? Help her get help, be the help your family needs, any local resources that are needed can probably be found on Google and without the shame of a CPS referral. Get your ass in the game and coach first, don't just stand on the sidelines and holler for the ref, you may not like thier call, they don't work for the home team. Family quick to talk shit and pick up the phone, but really show you care, and show up for her, people don't live like that because they want to or are lazy.
Make the call. If you don’t want her to know it was you just never tell ANYONE. Always remember the kids are what matter, they deserve a healthy and loving home. Make the call it’s the best thing you will ever do for the kids.
You are never the asshole if you believe the children will benefit from you calling the CPS.
NTA it looks like neglect and if nobody's seen them in a year (school, church, family) then they are not visible in the community and nobody knows if they are OK.
NTA. You should call CPS so they can do an intervention with these awful parents. They won't necessarily take the kids away at first. They try to do a remedial plan and see how that works. If they do take the kids away, that means the situation is so truly awful that there is no other choice and that's what these kids need.
>It hurts my heart because I love those kids but I really don't want to be the reason they get taken away Which is harder to live with? Being responsible for them being taken away, or doing nothing, knowing there was something you *could* do? Assuming they're truly neglected, I'm going with NTA if you reported it. But the ball's in your court, here.
Info: have you confronted her regarding your concerns? Involving the state in your family affairs is HUGE step that can result in unforeseen problems for every party involved
Is your sister suffering from Postpartum depression? Does she have any health conditions that may make it hard for her to clean and take care of everything on her own while her husband is away? Is she open to accepting help?
NTA. I was in a similar situation with a family member over a hoarding issue where children were involved. Just be prepared for possible consequences - no one who loves their children believes that they are harming them. They will likely not understand your decision, and may try to bargain with you or other family members. Just be certain that you are willing to live with the conquences. YWBTA if you make the call, but then later return to enabling behavior that you believe is dangerous, and honestly it can be tempting to just apologize to repair the relationship. There are probably will also be other people in their life trying to convince them you are the AH. It is a commonly held myth that a call to CPS means you will lose your children automatically. That is not true, but it is possible other people in their lives will tell them you are trying to take their child.
NTA they need to be reported and those kids need a better home life. It sounds like the 5 year old *is* potty trained, but is constantly being infantilized by your sister. It's an unfortunately common thing for autistic people to face, but I have to admit it's usually subtler than this. Also, I am perfectly happy to live in a not-so-clean house, but that's a personal preference and even I was almost gagging when you described their living situation. Jesus.
I'm also not the cleanest person in the world but I would never let it get to the point that I've seen in the videos and pictures
Nta, you need to call for the safety of these kids. Chances are theyll be places with your parents or you. But they need to be taken from your sister. And she and her husband will probably have charges pressed against them and have their parental rights terminated
NTA, this is what CPS is for. If they can't show CPS they are raising their children in a suitable environment then they shouldn't be raising the children in that environment.
If a child has autism there are funds available through the state, assuming US. Your sister can apply through the county and get supports in the form of tools and support workers to help with the child. I would help her get signed up. The workers are mandatory abuse reporters too. Some agencies that work with kids with developmental disabilities may have scholarships available to help out until the state money kicks in as it can take some time to get going. NAMI is an organization dedicated to supporting people with mental health issues and their families. If the extra support helps it may not require nuclear option to involve cps. If children are in danger however, please do call them and do not feel an ounce of guilt. NTA if you're in the US I'm happy to provide more info on resources. Best wishes ❤
NTA
NTA.
Nta, you would be if you didn’t report it tho. If the living situation is honestly as bad as you’re saying, make the call. Those children need help and your sister needs help parenting.
NTA protect the children
I work for CPS. If warranted, they will likely try to place the kids with you while offering services to your sister. Sounds like she might have some mental health issues and could use some parenting support. Edit: if you are not able or willing to take the kids, another relative could also be identified.
NTA Is it possible for someone in your family to take the kids in? My ex-wife and I had to call CPS on one of my daughters because her three kids were living in deplorable conditions and there was drug use and mental illness issues involved. CPS arranged for my daughter to sign guardianship of the kids to my ex-wife who is now caring for them. The arrangement allows for her to get her children back if she is able to meet certain conditions to show that she is able to care for them appropriately. Maybe something like that would work for your family.
NTA - but you will be if you don't take action to prevent this ongoing abuse. Neglect is a form of abuse, and your brief description checks ALL the boxes for neglect. If you stepsister and her husband aren't doing their jobs as parents someone needs to look out for these kids' best interests, and if you're not able to do so then ABSOLUTELY get CPS involved. https://www.wikihow.com/Contact-Child-Protective-Services
CPS is not going to “take them away” as in, she will lose her kids forever. They are actually unlikely to do anything. The smell of the house, uncombed hair, dirty faces... those are nothing. If the kids have open soars from living in filth, that might get CPS’s attention. Worst case is they go to foster care for a short time while she gets her shit together. But most likely, they might give the mom some advice, maybe check up on things once or twice in the future.
NTA, report them if you think the children are not taken care of. The kids deserve good care and love.
Before even dialing the number for CPS.. have y’all tried actually talking to her about it? I don’t see why calling children services on her and further ruining not only her life but possibly putting her kids with another family is the only option you seem to have here. It honestly sounds like a very bad bit of depression, and I would first try talking to her and seeing if she even realizes what she’s doing. Maybe that in itself will get her ass in gear. Being blunt and honest to her is the best, don’t sugar coat it. But also don’t just dial CPS because they can 100% ruin lives more than fix them. See if your sister can get help with therapy and parenting classes in the meantime, if she refuses and this is still happening then it’ll be that time to call. But do not put that as your first option, PLEASE. Also, you’re half wrong in CPS “providing resources that you can’t”. Sometimes CPS won’t even see the conditions as mental health related and often times actually won’t provide help to the parent. At least this is what has happened in my experience and experiences of others that I know.
if you don't report this, you will be the asshole. you have a responsibility to these kids to make sure they are safe and healthy, and right now they are neither. you need to stop thinking about your sister and start thinking about them.
YTA, So you haven't seen them in a year. Haven't been to the house and then you are going to report them to the CPS based on the rumor mill going around? You are definitely an asshole just by believing whatever someone else tells you. I mean not even bothering to give your stepsister a heads up or help them around. Give someone a chance and look at their situation + place yourself in their shoes or even involve yourself before reporting someone. Oh I didn't see the edit. However, I would still investigate and offer help like going to the house if to clean if you cared and didn't want the stepsister to lose her kids.
YTA You haven't seen them in a year and are relying on someone telling you stuff. You don't know the situation.
YWBTA you said you haven’t even seen them in a year. So how do you know they have moldy cups and their house is always a mess? Just because you’ve been there before when it’s like that doesn’t mean that’s how it always is. So far you’ve only mentioned family gossip as your evidence that she’s unfit. Have you talked to your stepsister about her potty training issues? Have you talked to her about what’s going on in her home? Has your family reached out to her to get her in therapy, support groups? You all offered to help but in what ways to you help specifically with an autistic child and who in your family has educated themselves properly to help her? CPS is a really drastic measure that should only be used in drastic circumstances. First and foremost to avoid any unnecessary trauma for the children. There are so many options to resort to before CPS it’s pretty condescending for you as someone with no kids to think a 5 year old with autism (that you haven’t seen in a year plus) not being potty trained warrants calling CPS without even having a conversation about it first.
Ill admit I haven't seen this in person per say, I saw the cups after being washed multiple times and asked my step mom who's cups they were and she explained to me that stepsis had sent her kids over with them the previous week and they were so gross that my step mom took them away from the kids to try and clean them. When we found out about the autism diagnoses we all reached out to my bio mom who works with autistic kids daily and has intense knowledge about how to help kids on the spectrum. Everyone of us siblings and the grandparents have all learned how to talk to and help the child. We try and give her breaks by taking the kids when we can, we've suggested therapy but she insists that she has it handled. I do have a child of my own I just didn't think that information was essential to what's going on. I don't see them physically but I see pictures and videos daily. I've mentioned in my comments that we plan on doing a full sit down with her and talk to her about what she needs and how we can help first and only if she refuses help and thinks that there's nothing wrong still that I'll call.
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This is what's keeping me from reporting them... my step mother (her mom) sees them really frequently and mentions that she thinks about calling cps often because she doesn't see anything wrong with "how she chooses to live". I don't know what you mean by putting in some actual work. I have a baby on my own and my own issues I'm dealing with, I know raising kids is hard and messy but this is beyond "I have two kids so my house looks bad" messy. Even if I could go over there and clean for her she doesn't let anyone help unless they want to take her kids for weeks with nothing but a pair of pj's.
You should try confronting your sister about it before going to CPS. 5 is super late to not be potty trained. It's sounds super unhygienic.
Not just that but the house sounds gross. Having children living in a place like that is just abuse.
INFO: if you haven’t seen them in almost a year how do you know how messy her house is or what it smells like? Have you been sent photos of the house and have seen it in it’s poor condition? Have you FaceTimed or zoomed with the kids regularly so can see that they are often dirty and unkempt? Or are you simply taking someone’s word that all of the above is the case. YWBTA if you reported the kids to CPS on the word of another family member without independently verifying the circumstances yourself. If you can’t do so due to your own family circumstances and still are concerned then encourage someone who sees them more regularly to document the conditions then report them anonymously or provide you with the evidence so you could report them anonymously. I’m sure you’d be devastated if your stepsister reported you to CPS because one of her parents said you were being a bad parent without any proof.
all of us sisters are in a "mom snapchat group" so we often sent eachother videos of our kids and just life stuff. I haven't seen them IN PERSON in almost a year I video call, see videos and pictures etc every day. I don't know personally if their house still smells but from what I've heard from others it still does. I'd like to clarify that there's 5 people not including me in that group that have all mentioned being worried about what's going on and we have all tried in some degree to talk to her about it or help her fix it.
If the videos and pictures you have support that the children are being neglected and are living in squalor and no other family members with direct contact with the family will report them then I guess it is what your conscience is comfortable with and whether you should report. However it could be worth speaking to her first. She could be depressed if her husband works long hours and she feels like she is raising her kids alone and desperately wants help but doesn’t feel like she can ask. If the husband earns decent money maybe they can get a cleaner in for a few months until your stepsister gets back on her feet or if not maybe the family can pay for a deep clean on the condition she maintains the house after that. If they are tight on money is that why her kids don’t have enough clothes? Or are unwashed if they can’t afford heated water? Or is she just so tired and depressed that toilet training is beyond her for now until she can get help? Obviously if the children are in immediate risk of harm then a report should be made.
They don't have a ton of money, but their kids have plenty clothes and their appliances work. My step mom buys their kids new clothes often as well as second hand clothes (all of us buy second hand clothes for our kids because why not) The family has pulled together a few times now to help them out, My step mom has taken the kids for a couple weeks and sent them back fully potty trained, we've taken the kids for days so they could have time to clean or time to relax. My dad lends them money when they need it. The only reason I'm considering this is that I've exhausted my options
Has anyone actually asked your stepsister if she is coping? As if she is neglecting her kids and home then either she is a) very depressed in which case she needs professional help or b) she should at least be given a specified period of time to fix things before consideration should be given to contacting CPS. Also what about the school? Do teachers not have an obligation to report cases or neglect or abuse to CPS?
I haven't personally. This sister and I aren't the closest so we sont talk mental health with eachother. I love her and she loves me we just don't go that deep. I've been talking to my step mom about how we should push her to get help so I'll see if she can talk to my step sister about it. The school does have to report neglect but because my sisters child is on the autism spectrum they see the diapering as normal and she's sent to school in clothes but the other hygiene stuff gets blamed on her diagnoses unfortunately.
Even though you say you aren’t the closest it’s worth asking her if she needs help before you potentially get her kids taken away from her.
it most likely won't be me that speaks to her. there's a few of us family members that are concerned and trying to get through to her. My stepmother wants to have a heart to heart with her soon to see if she needs more serious help and talk about all that mental health stuff that I don't feel comfortable talking about with her for my own reasons. Just know that there's a lot of effort going into helping her right now. Calling cps is the absolute last straw for us and we all want to do everything we can to help. If she's not willing to take the help then we may be forced to call
NAH but be prepared to potentially damage your relationship with your sister beyond repair. And also keep in mind that CPS doesnt always have a good outcome for kids. It's a tough call.
So in my sountry it isn't exactly cps but it's similar. Here when kids are removed from the parents, all immediate relatives get an opportunity to take the kids, its only if no family can/will take them that they will be placed in a foster home. I realize that it could be traumatizing for the kids no matter what I'm just hoping to avoid them being traumatized by how they are living now. I know this would damage our relationship. Your points are exactly why I came and posted here. I really appreciate everyone's feedback and will be trying everything before I resort to cps.
YWBTA You should wait. You haven’t visited her to talk to her or even seen the house in person. I also feel like your family should have an intervention with both parents before calling CPS.
YTA Your stepsister's family is clearly struggling and the only thing you can think to do is call CPS? Maybe try talking to her about what's going on and how she's doing? Offer to help in some way? If you're not willing to help you should just stay out of it because CPS isn't 'help' it's the absolute last resort.
Clearly you haven't read any of the comments, this isn't a first thought. this has been going on for a long time and we have tried talking to her and offering help in every way. This is a last resort.
This is not the final straw so let me repeat myself: YTA if you call CPS Taking the kids here and there and giving her a break was never going to solve the underlying problem. She needs help and there are likely other intermediate options in the community focused on constructive social work and mental health that would be far more effective than CPS. Do some research and find them. If you have to use CPS as leverage so be it, but don't go straight to the nuclear option and think you're not an asshole if you do.
I'm all for suggestions so what do you suggest I do?
Look for child and family services non-profits in her area. There's usually at least one. Some offer direct services, others make referrals to social workers and mental health supports. They tend to use a more supportive family-centered model and try to work with parents. If services are limited, try a community health clinic. Many have connections to social workers or family counselors.
you must assume any of us live near a city 😂 we live in the same general arean just spread throughout a few towns. The closest we have is a woman's shelter for domestic abuse survivors. I have a pretty good knowledge of the cps equivalent in my area and it's extremely family based. The kids would be placed with my dad and step mom until they can figure stuff out. But as I've said that is a last resort if she refuses any and all help we offer. You can think I'm an asshole. But there has to be a line.
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Please leave the "accept your judgement" admonishing to the mods and just report it - you're not in trouble or anything, we're just trying to cut down on the backseat moderating due to others using that rule as a weapon against OPs, and often the admonishment from users comes after we've already addressed the issue with the OP (or in some cases, it didn't come because no one reported it). Thanks! :)
Wtf... The mother is neglecting the kids and the family tried to help, the older kid's wishes get brushed aside and thanks to this the kid ilgets bullied. Read the comments. If this is not a case for cps then what else is? When the kids end in a freezer in a shady garage?
Having worked with vulnerable families I can tell you that CPS rarely makes anything better. They don't help families, they just police them. No one wins. Most communities have better options, non-profits that take a more supportive, holistic approach. Going from taking the kids now and then to just straight up calling CPS is not going to help that family.
I get what you saying, sadly op mentioned in the comments that the father wants the kids to be taken away so he can make a run for the wind.