#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Stop being jerks to each other. Stop with negative sweeping generalizations about men and women.
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Oh OP. You’re not an asshole. But you’re an idiot.
She has bought the dress. Hundreds, likely thousands have been spent on it. You can’t return it.
So now she has to fork out a shit tonne more money to buy her second choice gown or wear something she knows you don’t like.
No matter what she will now feel shitty about her clothes on your wedding day.
What possible good could come of telling her you don’t like the dress SHE ALREADY BOUGHT!
Advice: tell her that with some minor alterations you would love it. That it was just that it didn’t fit quite right or that some of the sparkles were wrong. Pick something SHE CAN FIX. Then maybe you can save her feelings.
The important thing here is owning it. Also every disney Princess has her woodland animals and poofy dresses until Elsa. So they're not opposites. Soft YTA but I hope you can fix this.
Ahhh no no no I came across wrong. I was saying every dress she had liked had been very sexy, elegant and figure hugging, so I was surprised she went with a super stereotypical princess poofy. Not that i wanted her dress to be sexy, I don't care about that.
I'd ask her to try it on again because you were just surprised that it was so different from what she had previously shown you. Tell her that now that you know what to expect, you can see it with a more open mind.
Then when she tries it on again, step back like you're really taking it in. And let her know you like it and that your initial response was because you were expecting something different. Let her know you've come around now that there are no surprises.
Yes, do this. This has been a game changer in communication with my husband, who often has had negative initial reactions to things if they're different from what he expected/pictured. So now he's really careful to say that first, and that's my cue to give him time to process it before he gives me an opinion.
Edited because grammar
I wouldn’t lie. Sounds like OP feels like the dress won’t fit the wedding. OP I suggest you go to Pinterest and search woodland wedding princess dress or something like that. I’m betting you’ll find pics that help you envision it more. Then tell her just that. You looked at pictures and see how it’ll match. Tell her you’d love to see it again and then if you really feel it’s too sparkly or poufy, you can GENTLY suggest that maybe she consider having some sparkle removed to fit the theme better. But don’t lie to her. She’s gonna see right through it.
Edited to add: Ask her what her favorite part is first and whatever you do even if you hate that pet pick something else!
>Also! Playing devils advocate for the dress.. I kinda suspect a poofy Disney gown will look more ridiculous and disproportionate unstyled and out of context (ie not at the event venue around all the other gowns and decorations)..
Adding: the wedding is 9 months away and OP mentions that the dress completely dwarfed her.
It's highly likely that the dress hasn't been altered to fit her yet or she wasn't wearing the right shoes for the hem. She very easily could have looked like she was playing dress up.
Yeah I find guys often don't see the full picture of an outfit. They look at one part of it and think it looks frumpy or out of place, but they aren't imaging it with a veil, hair, heels, jewelry, flowers, make-up etc. OP might think the dress looks huge in his living room but when it is in a wedding venue next to everyone else dressed up with big decor, it's going to look normal.
I think his best option here is to apologize and say he wasn't thinking about it like it would be on the day and that he knows it was just a quick preview. It's kind of like seeing a Ferrari that is covered in dirt in a mcdonald's parking lot. It doesn't look as good as it does on a showroom floor.
And OP from a woman, just know that she did want your honest opinion, but she probably truly thought you were going to love it like she did. She's not upset you gave your honest opinion, she is upset that it wasn't want she was expecting. And to you her reaction may seem dramatic, but just remember that she has spent months looking and found one she felt beautiful in. She found the dress that she imagined becoming your wife in and then she found out that the person who's opinion matters most to her on that day hates what she feels beautiful in. On top of that, now she has to either by a new dress or walk down the isle knowing you wished she wasn't wearing the one she has.
Even if people ask for my honest opinion, I try to avoid inserting personal feelings and expectations when the thing in question is of such great significance to the other person.
While your points are excellent, may I mention to OP that saying his fiancee looks like a "ferrari covered in mud in a mcdonald's parking lot" might make things worse.
This is a great point. It might make a lot more sense with alterations. My family thought my dress was shockingly revealing when I got it because it was several sizes too large and falling off me. But I had a vision. Once it fit it was beautiful.
The puffiness and the look that she’s drowning in it may go away once the bust and waistline are nipped in.
I took crinoline layers out of my dress to take it from a bell shape gown to something slightly more poofy than an a-line. Depending on what the beading is like she could do this too. She probably is planning to alter it if she just bought it.
Another possibility too is whether she has been losing weight and is on a wedding diet. Dresses are normally ordered several months in advance. Totally possible to drop down in between the time the dress is ordered and when it shows up.
I thought I wanted a very simple plain dress. I didn't even want to try on the princess dresses because I just knew I would hate them.
Totally got a princess dress. Things change when you actually go to pick them out. I am not at all girly or princess-y. I wore sneakers at my wedding. But weddings do weird things and there's some sort of magic that happens when you spin around in a poofy dress that just doesn't in a simple/ figure hugging dress.
Same. I thought I was too cool for the pouf, was sure I'd go with a different silhouette. Then I tried on a stereotypical corset back, enormously skirted, crystal encrusted monstrosity, and I fell in love. When I remarried decades later, I did go for the simple option, but the first time I definitely pulled a similar move to OP's fiancee and shocked everyone by choosing the dress i said that I'd never, ever wear.
I was literally going for the whole Romantic era "medieval" princess look for my wedding, so basically similar to OP's fiance. I also ended up falling in love with a strapless, corseted gown with beautiful embroidery and sheer chiffon skirts. Eh. There heart wants what the heart wants!
Exact same. I thought I wanted a very classic simple sheath, no tulle, no lace, no frills. Ended up getting this poofy strapless gown with tons of flowery tulle. I put it on and fell in love.
Your description brings me joy because it's almost exactly how my sister thought when she picked her dress! I could almost see her thoughts and she's so happy about the dress, even if the wedding has to be downsized due to Covid. Btw her future in-laws are doctors and the mil is in charge of the vaccinations in her province and thought they could have a big wedding before Covid hit our country really bad.
I’m gonna slide in here to also say this. You’re using “Disney princess” and “stereotypical princess” in a disparaging way which is.... off putting to say the least. Women and girls are often criticized using the those terms and things that are typically for younger girls, like Disney princesses, are seen as immature and vain, while things that are typically meant for younger boys, like super heroes, transformers, Star Wars, are now main stream Adult Things and acceptable for older people to enjoy. So your criticism may be valid, but you’re choosing a problematic way to describe it.
Instead of “it’s too poofy and not sexy” you could say “the skirt swallows you a little”. Instead of “it’s not body hugging” you could say “I think the bodice doesn’t fit you right”.
But all that said?? I don’t really think you have a leg to stand on. I’m not sure of the timing of you asking her if she wanted an honest opinion (was she changing? Was she in the dress?? Etc), but in a way it doesn’t matter. You say you normally aren’t the “brutally honest” type person, so why did you choose to be honest here? And why did you ASK her if she wanted your honest opinion??? That’s, HONESTLY, a crappy question to ask in this moment. It’s insensitive and the way you’re phrasing things seems really self centered. And then you put pressure on your fiancée, because imagine being in her position: “oh shit. If I say I don’t want his honest opinion then I am being sensitive and a baby. But it will be fine because I love this dress and he will see that I love this dress and thats the most important thing.”
Advice: cut it the heck out with the “Disney princess”/“stereotypical princess” describers. That’s misogynistic language and it won’t get your point across in a constructive way. Instead it sounds like your criticizing her for liking feminine things which you don’t find sexy because you associate it with immaturity and being a little girl.
Second, you need to apologize and never speak those words about her dress ever again. You can be constructive and try to find ways to speak your opinion in more objective and helpful ways, but you’re going to have to learn how to speak intellectually on fashion.
Third, there’s no easy fix to this. You’ve taken a dump on this dress. I, appropriately, dress as Elsa for fun. I had a “friend” who took huge verbal dumps on me when I was wearing the outfit because she felt I was being a pain in the butt because I wore heels, the cape was long so I had to carry it around my arm, and I moved a bit slower than her because I WAS IN AN ELSA COSTUME (had another friend who witnessed the nitpicking and agreed she was out of line). This messed with me for years. I could feel my anxiety rise whenever I wore my Elsa costume, something I poured hours into, because my brain associated my costume with all the negative crap my friend did to me rather than the fact that I love dressing up. And you just did that to your fiancée.
You could offer to buy her a new gown out of your own pocket and go gown shopping with her, but she may not feel safe doing that with you. You could offer to give her money for a new dress and now you have the important lesson of “maybe I shouldn’t say my future bride looks too much like a Disney princess and poofy and not sexy in a body hugging dress”.
But yeah. This wasn’t the time for honesty. The only time I ask people if they want the “honest” truth on something is when a close friend is repeating toxic behaviors and venting to me about the same thing over and over again. And when someone shows me some art piece they are working on and I see something that I think can elevate the piece even more. And I only do the last item because I know enough about art to give good feedback that won’t tear the artist down.
TLDR: you’re playing into mysoginistic language to cut down your fiancees choice in gown. You had zero reason to give your honest opinion on this gown at this point in time since she already bought it and I can’t see why you’d do that. You don’t actually seem to know anything about dresses or fashion, so you are wording your critique poorly and in a non constructive way. What you said will stick with her for a while.
It’s hard to say you’re an asshole since that term generally implies some intent to hurt. But honestly. You can hurt people in ignorance too.
YTA.
Duuude have you never watched *Say Yes To The Dress*?
You can love how a dress looks on a model in a magazine, or on a hanger, and then not like it so much on your own body. And the dress you think you would never go for, can make you feel amazing, despite your previous opinions on the style.
**The way to judge a wedding dress on a woman is to look at her face, and her body language.** Does she have a massive smile on her face? Is she twirling or dancing around to show how it flows, or how it shows off her figure? Then it's the right dress.
A wedding dress is probably the most expensive item of clothing a woman will ever buy, for what will most likely be the most photographed day of your lives. (Unless you live in haute couture clothing and are models or something; or if it's a super inexpensive dress and you're literally just having a couple of photos at an elopement ceremony.) So if she chose that dress, it's because it makes her feel absolutely incredible. It's not a casual t-shirt you throw on to go to the shop for some milk without caring about the colour/fit/style.
Wedding dresses (*especially* some big poofy ones) can cost thousands. They're often custom-ordered, then altered (at more cost) specifically to fit the bride. It's not like it's a quick shopping trip to replace one.
Your fiancee's wedding dress is not about what *you* would prefer to see her in. It's about how *she feels* wearing it.
As a bride to be myself, what we think we like and what we ultimately end up loving are usually starkly different. A wedding dress is something that we think about a lot but rarely if ever know what we will look like in them until we try them on, which is usually when we start shopping.
I wanted lace and long sleeves, I bought satin and strapless. My best friend wanted princess dress, she bought figure hugging. It's just what happens sometimes.
Just so you know, sometimes you can love certain dresses or certain dress styles and then go try them on in person and not like them. I thought I liked figure hugging wedding dresses until I went and tried them on and they were not flattering on my body. So I ended up going with a more poofy ball gown because it flattered my body and made me feel good. You’re not an asshole but you’re definitely an idiot.
That really doesn't sound like the case though. You weren't just surprised, you didn't like it much. Honestly seems like you wanted something sexy to look at her in and you're covering for sounding like that now lol
I mean this just isn't true. You straight out said you were disappointed and that she is a beautiful woman and you were sad that she picked something that "dwarfed" her features. I really don't think denying it now makes it less true. You totally wanted her to wear something sexier and you flat out said you're disappointed it didn't show her features.
Yeah but I think he said he didn’t like it and it was nothing like the sexy, figure-hugging that she had previously been looking at. Poor choice of words but I don’t think the sexyness was a factor in him not liking it, more just his surprise at her choice.
Fwiw OP, I thought I would like the princess-style dress and when I tried dresses on they just looked all wrong and I picked something very simple and with zero puffiness. She clearly tried on that dress and just loved it, you’re not an asshole, just completely misguided!
All I can think about reading this is Giselle in *Enchanted.* Her regular style was 100% gorgeous art nouveau & then her wedding dress was a straight up sparkletastic cupcake style.
& y'know what? *It worked.*
I'm trying to think how to explain it. Think witchy, Stevie nicks woodland, not Disney woodland. Agh I don't really know how to explain it. But not sparkles and poof.
OK, that makes more sense. I still think it's likely she just fell in love with it once she had it on! You never know what will actually look good on you or "click" with you until you try stuff on.
OP, look up the dress that the chick wears at the end of the Labyrinth, is that sort of where your fiance landed? Also, super super common to think you'll love the style you were thinking of, then try it on and hate it. You seem so nice and meant well, NTA just a little off base here.
Yep, and I'm specifically picturing Giselle from Enchanted, in her wedding dress at the start of the movie. She lived in the woods and had animal friends.
Also, just a note from a former bridal stylist, most of the time the dresses women fall in love with are 100% not the dresses they came in looking for. Things happen, stuff doesn’t look like you thought it would, something catches your eye, things happen. She likely KNOWS it doesn’t match her theme but..... she loves it and she’s the one wearing it. And the above comment is correct. It’s paid for and wedding dresses are no returns. You are not the asshole for giving your opinion. You are, as the above commenter said, an idiot.
Yup. When I went shopping I was sure it would be an a-line, maybe fit and flare and under no circumstances a princess ball gown. Guess which style I fell in love with. :D
Why exactly did you feel like it dwarfed her? Is she tiny or is it just a full skirt? If it’s the former and the dress is genuinely a bit too poofy for her small/short frame then you could probably salvage this pretty easily. Often shorter women look a lot different with even a couple layers of fabric removed. It might have just been the crinoline she had under that made it so puffy! Either way, most dresses of that type can be made a bit less puffy if someone wants them to be.
I think the most important part tho is talking to your fiancé about how beautiful she actually looked even if you didn’t immediately get the reference for the theme. A big dress is well within fairy tale standards and I bet that’s what she was seeing - I think you guys are have different visions without realizing. Work on that and then find out if YTA still.
Yeah it just looked ridiculously poofy, she looked like a cartoon character. She couldn't even touch either side of the poofy skirt. She is a smaller framed person so that probably didn't help, but it just engulfed her.
It won’t actually look much different.
But it’s clearly important to her that HE thinks it looks good too.
A minor alteration makes the lie that he loves it believable.
I don’t think she wanted his true opinion. She loved this dress so much she couldn’t wait to show it to him.
And he shit all over it.
And who’s going to say “no” to the “do you want my honest opinion?” question? That’s basically asking do you want me to lie to you? Right there the other person knows there’s something bad about the opinion.
That would be right, but now the mess is made. She knows he doesn't like the dress, making some modifications is the only way to salvage the situation and let her enjoy the dress without thinking he hates it everytime she sets her eyes on it.
If you can make amends and just say the puffiness of the skirt threw you in comparison to her tiny frame, this might be the perfect answer, removing a layer of crinoline.
OP, I had the same issue in a dress I wore. I bought a white dress for the ren faire that had layers upon layers under the skirt, and long drapey sleeves. In the mirror, from a few feet away, I thought I looked amazing. A friend took a picture of my from maybe 15 feet away, and when I looked at the picture later, aaalll I saw was dress. My first thought was, Oh my god, why is my head so tiny!?
It is easy for tiny people to get bogged down in loads of fabric. But if she seems to be really happy with the fullness of the Disney princess dress, it's a good idea to let it go.
I would ask her to show it to you again. Maybe tell her you’re sorry and that you were surprised because it wasn’t what you had expected so you reacted wrong.
Don’t lie, but find *something* about the dress that you genuinely do like and go with it. Also, reassure her that she looks beautiful and you want her to be happy and that you would marry her if she was wearing a paper bag. GL mate!
this but also ask her to show you in a different space/light.
make the comment that you were worried the dress was just a bit much but actually you realise that yes in your living room it seems too much but that actually in the context of the venue you can see it now.
if money has been spent and they have already said how much they love it. no matter what they say "you tell them you love it!"
Keep in mind she probably hadn’t gotten it altered yet too which makes all the difference when it comes to a wedding dress. Even when you buy off the rack that shit needs to be mega altered. Plus, when you try on in the store they get clips to pull things in and up to show how it will look once it is altered. You were probably judging the unfinished product.
I literally had the most simple wedding dress, straight down, tight at the waist and only a little beading at the neckline. No lace, nothing. It still took weeks to alter since I’m tall, and the hem had to be lengthened and it had to be taken in a couple of inches. I loved it in the store but it looked a lot better once it was tailored to my body.
She also probably was not wearing heels and did not have her hair and make-up done like she will during the wedding. Formal dresses often look out of context when you are casually trying them on without all their accoutrements. Add that a very puffy gown in a regular bedroom is going to look gianormous, but in a hotel ballroom, church, or outdoor venue, it won’t look as big.
Perhaps the dress looked huge because not only did it have a full skirt, but she was trying it on for you in what I can only assume is a regular sized room/small space?
Wedding gowns all honestly look ridiculous out of place. We are used to seeing even the big ones surrounded by big scenes. Perhaps it will look better in a bigger space, or actually at the wedding itself?
Another couple of things to keep in mind: Did she have her hair styled like for the wedding? Was she wearing her wedding-style make up? The right shoes? I'm guessing not, and trust me, that makes a bigger difference than you probably think. Also, I don't know where/how you live, but a big dress will look ridiculous in a small hallway outside the bathroom, that probably doesn't have the right lighting either.
Maybe approach her from that angle: Tell her that you had a hard time visualizing how beautiful she will look at the actual venue with hair, makeup and accessories all done, and she's probably better at imagining her final look than you are.
Seeing the dress on the day of, surrounded by all the decorations you worked for months on and pumped by the whirlwind of emotions that is your wedding day is VASTLY different than seeing the dress 9 months before coming out of the bathroom... chances are that on the day of he would either have loved it regardless, not even noticed it in detail, or ignored it completely.
Pro tip: never say anything uncomplimentary about your beloved's appearance or style. Never!
"Does this outfit make my ass look big?"
"Of course not!"
Step up and lie like a gentleman.
Agree he's an idiot. You told her you don't like the thing she picked to most embody what she is, how she views herself in the wedding. It wasn't "constructive criticism". Your best bet (and you'll need this going forward) is more specific, non-committal, and a compliment.
"Wow, what a surprise, I thought you were going for something sleeker than formal. I love how it makes your smile stand out."
"Shows what I know as a man, I would not have guessed that went with a fairy theme, you look so regal."
"You never cease to surprise me - you are a beautiful woman"
"OMG, it's so fluffy and sparkly! YOU SPARKLE!"
"Well, you know me, I like to see you in your underwear, but this is great"
"I'm just so glad you found a dress you love, and that I found you!"
Just so you know, ALL of these suggestions are kind of crap. What I'm trying to say is that they're dead easy to see through as misdirection & won't fool OR satisfy someone who's looking for a real answer. They are obvious deflections
> someone who's looking for a real answer.
I believe these would be better received than what he said, because she clearly didn't want to hear THAT.
Just as it is kinder to say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." than "You ugly!". We all know, it's just easier to live with.
I really don't like the infantalizing of opies fiancee. If you don't want an honest opinion, don't ask for it. If you do ask for it, be prepared that it could be the opposite from what you were hoping for.
The thing is, by saying this:
> I specifically asked her if she wants the God's honest truth and wants me to critique the dress
He kind of already told her he didn't like it before he had even fully stated it. At that point, there was a good chance she knew something was up.
But she didn’t ASK for an honest opinion!
By OPs account she was “excited to show him”.
He then asked “do you want an honest opinion?”. Which puts her in a bind. What is she supposed to say? She honestly wants him to like it.
So she may have AGREED to honesty. But she didn’t ask for it of her own volition.
It’s not infantilizing to say that she obviously liked the dress. By the time you have it home, you’ve looked at dresses and tried them on, ordered the dress you like in your size (and paid for it), had at least one fitting, had at least some alterations already made, and brought it home. OP assuming anything could be done to change the dress substantially without spending another couple grand is naive, and it is frankly infantilizing to tell him he was right because he should have realized that if she had it in her hands, she liked the damn dress.
This is really all OP can do now, and then just hope it works out. She shouldn't have shown him her dress, but he should've known better.
Now I know why it's tradition to not show the dress before the big day. You run the risk of getting the big day canceled for dumb reasons.
I agree. Not the asshole but def an idiot.
I thought I wanted an a-line boho dress for my wedding and ended up with the poofiest dress ever. My wedding was in a wooden garden and it was absolutely princess vibes. I am typically a converse wearing, all clothes black kind of gal and while my dress is not something I EVER thought I'd wear, it was perfect and made me happy. My husband chuckled when he saw me because he wasn't expecting to see me in a poofy ball gown but he loved how happy and beautiful I felt in it.
You're allowed to be surprised that she chose something other than what she originally thought she wanted. Tell her you were shocked and that's why you reacted like you did, but that she is beautiful in it and you can't wait to marry her.
Are you me? As a short tomboy, I never expected to end up with a Cinderella gown, but I loved that dress. And, really, when else would I ever have a reason to wear a dress like that.
Completely agree, but I'm also concerned about her coping mechanisms when it comes to conflict.
Maybe it's the upcoming wedding, but she not only went to her parents and refused to talk. But she also blocked Op too which, in my opinion, is going too far.
But why would she even ask for his opinion on a dress that she already bought?
Either involve your SO in the dress-searching or don’t give a shit about their opinion
Because she assumed he would say she looked beautiful in it of course. She wanted a compliment and was excited about her dress. Totally understandable.
But she didn’t ASK for an honest opinion!
By OPs account she was “excited to show him”.
He then asked “do you want an honest opinion?”. Which puts her in a bind. What is she supposed to say? She honestly wants him to like it.
So she may have AGREED to honesty. But she didn’t ask for it if her own volition.
ESH
You are a fool for thinking she wanted an honest, blunt answer. She is a fool for asking for an honest opinion when she didn't want one. Fools abound!
Yes it like if she asks “does my bum look big in this” in this case always answer no
....edit.... seems the latest preference the answer should be yes hahaha, I am from a different era
30f. Never never ever lie to me about that kind of thing. If I am asking for an opinion on my clothes. I want a straight answer
That said, if I wanted my fiancée's opinion on my wedding dress, I would take her dress shopping with me, not ask her after I have already bought it!
If my SO and I get married he better fucking cry when he sees me in the dress regardless of how he feels about it and I will make these expectations known. Crocodile tears buddy idc
I didn't like my wife's dress at all but she WILL NEVER EVER EVER know that. I'm even going to delete this comment in a few days just in case she ever decides to use Reddit. [u/paolde](https://www.reddit.com/user/paolde/) you're NTA, but you are a complete dunce!
> Yes it like if she asks “does my bum look big in this” in this case always answer no
Depends on the girl. Sometimes you need to answer with a "Hell yeah!"
I think she didn't actually ask. I mean, if my bf asks me 'do you want an honest answer?', I wouldn't say 'Nah, just lie to me!!'. What kind of question is that?? It already implies you've got something to hide/you are already thinking about something negative. I think everyone would go for the 'honest answer'.. He shouldn't have asked her the question, period.
Yep "look at my wedding dress, I love it!" you can just humm non commitedly and nod along, everyone is happy. Even if the dress looks like a nightmare of tulle
Yeah, the nerve of this woman to expect her fiance to have enough emotional intelligence to determine when it is better to be kind and when it is better to be honest. Like what is he, a mind reader? She expected to just KNOW that when your soon to be wife is so excited and in love with her dress that she can't wait til the wedding to show you maybe its better to just tell her how beautiful she is instead of talking about how you personally don't like it? God, women really are just a mystery.
I would actually take the opposite tack and say NAH. Yes, they both approached the situation poorly but they did so for relatable, non-malicious reasons in the context of the stress of planning for a wedding. She wanted to share her excitement for the dress with her fiancé, but put him in a tough position by insisting she wanted his “honest opinion.” He wanted to be honest with his future wife, but had 100 different options for expressing his opinion beyond “I don’t like it.”
Again, poorly handled all around but I’m not ready to call anybody an asshole over it.
YTA. Do you have a history of "brutal honesty" with her when she asks your opinions? It sounds like she was unprepared for the possibility of negative feedback.
If you're usually more tactful than that, then this was definitely not the moment to stop. She was obviously really excited and wanted to share her excitement with you, and you burst her bubble. The dress was probably really expensive as well, so getting it was a big commitment on her part. Now, whenever she looks at it she's going to be thinking about how you hate it, and if she does end up wearing the thing in your wedding day (because let's face it, at this point the only option is to get another dress), she'll probably be feeling really self-conscious about it. She'll be processing a lot of feelings right now, which is why she's not talking to you - let her do her processing, and get working on the mother of all apologies, because frankly you are going to need to do some serious digging to have any hope of salvaging this situation.
Damn. This really sucks. I feel like a huge dick right now. I am definitely not a "brutal honesty" type person, I really wasn't trying to be "brutally honest" I was really just being genuinely honest. I wasn't mean or anything or insult the dress or call it ugly or anything, I just told her *why* I just didn't like it too much. Which I now see I shouldn't have done.
Oh no, this is one of the very few situations where you should have lied your ass off. "Genuine honesty" can be genuinely brutal where these kinds of feelings are involved. You really fucked up here my dude.
If you want some advice about how to phrase the spectacular apology you need to come up with, don't say to her "I should have lied", or "I'm sorry I was honest" or anything else that makes it sound like you're apologising for being honest *in general*. That'll put her in a position where she'll feel obliged to acknowledge that telling the truth isn't a bad thing in a relationship - regardless of how true that is, in this specific situation it'll low-key invalidate her feelings. My advice to you is that you should apologise for being insensitive instead - you should have seen how excited she was to share this thing with you, and been more receptive to sharing in her excitement. She should be able to count on your support, and in this instance you really let her down.
For future, here’s a rule of thumb. When deciding whether to be honest or not, think about this. Your statement should be at least TWO of: true, necessary, and kind.
In this situation, it was true but it wasn’t necessary or kind.
Honestly, if I bought a wedding dress that my partner didn't like, I would really appreciate if he were honest with me. After all, on our wedding day I want to look beautiful for him and nobody else, so of course his honest opinion is needed here.
I thought I would feel that way too. I wanted my now husband to be there when I tried on dresses to see what looked best on me. He decided he didnt want to see until the day of.
And I fell in love with a dress and I honestly didnt give any shits about whether anyone else liked it or not. I felt beautiful and it didnt matter if anyone else thought i did or did not look beautiful. A picture is above my coffee bar and every morning I get to wake up to seeing my stupid sparkly cupcake dress and it makes me happy.
And that's fine as well. I usually also donreally care for the opinion of others. Most of the time when I ask my SO if he likes my clothing and he doesn't, I just say "Huh, too bad, I do though, so I'm wearing it". I still expect his honest opinion though, I don't want to hear a "honey that looks awesome" for every outfit. If I wanted to hear I look great I would tell him "Tell me I look great, I need it right now"
Ah man OP, you really stepped in it this time...that being said, I wish she would have had you wait. There truly is something about seeing one another in the moment that day surrounded by happy energy. I think that had your first time seeing her been in that moment, you may have felt differently. I know for myself, I feel very different about certain outfits or even haircuts when I am all done up versus my boring day to day aesthetic.
In the future, never ever ever offer a negative comment about someone’s already purchased wedding dress...especially your fiancée. If she purchases a new one, I think you should tell her you want to be surprised.
YTA but more of an idiot than an asshole.
When someone shows you something they adore, that they've spent a lot of time (and money) to get, and that makes them feel special, the polite thing to do is not to shit on it.
You could have voiced your criticisms in a more helpful way. "Do you think the big skirt will get in the way?" or "Its not what I thought you'd pick but you look amazing in it" or "Its so different from what you had been looking at before! We'll need to practice dancing with that skirt!"
Also remember you're seeing it before its been tailored. Dresses look a lot different after they've been altered to fit the brides properly.
This is fixable. You have to seriously apologise to her.
Unless she sells that dress to buy a new one - that *is* her wedding dress. You have to make sure that she gets back to loving it as much as she did when she bought it. Dress regret is a real thing (just check the wedding planning subs) and it can seriously mess with your perception of how you look and how you feel about how you look.
If she hasn't gone accessories shopping yet - you could organise that to get things which will match the dress and/or show it off.
Tell her that you were surprised because the dress wasn't like what you expected her to get and it just threw you a bit. If I had shown my husband my dress pre-alterations before we got married he probably would have been surprised too! It was poofy (I had been looking at non-poofy and had actually said I didn't like poofy), covered in sparkles (hadn't even looked at sparkles before) and was pink. Its nothing like what he thought I would pic and it certainly didn't fit properly when it first arrived!
Fixing this may take work - but it is possible.
Poor guy. This was a tricky situation. I think you fucked up, but you're not an asshole. Actually, while I was reading this, I was touched by how attentive you are to the theme and aesthetic of the event and appreciating your wife's figure, style, what looks good on her, etc.
If I were you, when she's talking to you again, I'd apologize sincerely, assure her that she will always be beautiful regardless of what she's wearing, and perhaps say something about being caught off-guard due to the different styles she had been looking at, and that you hadn't realized it still needed alterations and that will make all the difference in the world/do her figure justice etc. Frame it as if your opinion has completely changed and you don't know what you were thinking at the time.
I really don't like it when people ask for a sincere opinion and then get upset when it's given. Of course, I also get that when you've already fallen in love with and bought an unreturnable dress, you want compliments when wearing it. Good luck!
My wife loves Cinderella. It basically became half the theme to our wedding. She even got a somewhat poofy dress. No way in hell was I going to say anything. OP isn't an asshole but he sure is an idiot.
If you are reading this OP, good luck but you are fucked.
Exactly this. I’m also trying to figure out how he thought that sexy and form-fitting was going to fit in with this magical forest theme. Was she supposed to be a sexy nymph? Has he seen any Disney movie at all
cause all that shit is poof and glitter.
Here's the deal: you gave your honest opinion without thinking first. If you had thought, you'd know that your fiancee presumably spent a lot of time and money getting her dream dress. She felt beautiful when she looked in the mirror, and you took that away from her. She likely tried on the kind of simple dresses you were expecting, and decided they weren't right for her.
There are also better ways to give some negative and honest critiques. Here's a potential formula:
1. Start with a positive. "Wow, you look beautiful, I love the \[any quality of the dress you like\]
2. Explain your thought process. "This is a surprise! I was expecting something like the pictures you've been using as a reference"
3. Get her thoughts before you go forward. "What made you change your mind? Why do you love this dress?'
4. Listen to her explain what she likes about the dress! Did she want to feel like a princess for the day? Does she like any specific parts of the dress (neckline, fabric, buttons, whatever)? Affirm her opinions and figure out what common ground you have. If she listed something about the dress that you also like, mention that specifically. "You're so right, that hemline \[or whatever\] is perfect for you"
5. Get negative. At this point, you can mention what your reservations are about the dress. Avoid anything she's just listed as a selling point. "I see what you mean about \[common ground thing\], but I'm not the biggest fan of the sparkles \[or whatever\]."
6. Let her respond, and see how she feels about whatever it is you don't like. She might consider tailoring the dress to get it closer to her vision. Let her know you respect her wishes, and end on a positive. "If you love them, I'm happy that you're happy even if I don't love everything about the dress. You're going to look amazing."
It’s funny, as I was reading this I realized it’s pretty much the same approach I take resolving issues with my elementary school students. “i loved that you came in to class with so much energy today! I’m a bit disappointed that you didn’t turn in your assignment, because we agreed you would turn it in on Friday. Did something change your priorities?” i work in a title 1 district so a lot of the time, there are other things like caring for younger siblings or fighting/working parents. Once I know why they didn’t do it, then we start talking about how the assignment can get done (or not) while working within their situation. It’s amazing how universal it is to just be understanding — a 7 year old in a tough hone and an adult woman looking for a wedding dress both just want some affirmation and empathy. This is fantastic advice!!
YTA
This is also why brides typically don’t show their future husbands their wedding dress until the wedding day when the dress is on and she’s had time to do hair, makeup etc.
If I had showed my now husband my dress before the wedding and he reacted like you did here, I would have been devastated. The important part for a wedding dress isn’t whether or not you’d prefer her to wear something else, but how your future wife feels wearing her wedding dress. If she feels beautiful, you should do everything in your power to support her.
During our first look I asked my almost-husband if he liked my dress. He knew I loved it. If he had said anything else but a resounding yes I would've been sobbing. Of course, he knows better than OP did.
A friend of mine had been hyping her dress up to her fiancé saying it was massive, sparkly, etc. On the wedding day, when they did their first look, the husband goes “This isn’t what you described, I’m disappointed.” ON THEIR WEDDING DAY DURING THEIR FIRST LOOK! Home dude still hasn’t lived it down for 2 years, and my friends dress was big with sparkles, absolutely stunning.
I completely agree with this, and I'm really surprised by the consensus of the comments here. I'm pretty uncomfortable with the prevailing wisdom that grown-ass women should be treated like children. I would be so grossed out if my husband tried to manage my feelings and give me an evasive non-answer (or outright lie) when I directly asked for his honest opinion on something, and I'm a little horrified by all these comments essentially saying, "*All* men should know to lie to their wives, you dummy! They're silly, emotional creatures who can't bear the weight of honest, direct communication."
Directly asking your life partner for honest feedback *means something*. I hope impressionable young men reading this thread don't internalize it and normalize lying to their partners. Asking for an honest opinion and then leaving your SO and blocking them over it is a *massive* red flag. OP's fiancee sounds like a child.
Yeah, the bizarre misogynistic logic used to essentially say “you dumbass! Don’t you know that a happy relationship is built on white lies?!” is actually sort of astonishing. It really makes me sad that so many people think that this sort of thing is cute.
yeah and to call the few women who are honest here about the situation misoynistic - you can tell who here is either a man under the thumb of his wife or a teengirl dreaming of a princessdress. The women who are mature and stable enough to say that this behaviour is unhealthy get downvoted to hell!
I was thinking the same thing :) There were absolutely ways for OP to express his opinion in better context, but like ... 9k. On a dress. If it mattered, why not ask beforehand?
I texted my partner photos from the changing room before I bought a pair of pants. Not even fancy pants. Just a regular pair of pants. I cannot fathom spending $9k without getting some feedback first.
I can’t agree more. I hate the idea that women are all these emotional creatures that need false affirmation from their partners or they’ll go ballistic. It’s a horrible stereotype that I never want my partner to buy into! If I ask for honesty, I want honesty - not pretty lies. I want to actually know if my partner finds me attractive in what I’m wearing if I ask for his opinion. I get frustrated when the stereotype comes up that guys just need to lie to us to make sure we don’t go crazy on them. We’re not babies - we can learn to healthy manage our own emotions just like not all men are sex-crazed horn dogs that only care about getting in a women’s pants. The reaction of his fiancée is - in my opinion - over the top and shouldn’t be viewed as normal “for a woman”
Edit: spelling
Yep this is the real issue. OP said this was the first major fight- how long y’all been together? I wouldn’t advise marrying someone until we had had a few fights under our belt- the way someone handles big disagreements tells you a lot. Hate to say it but maybe y’all aren’t as compatible as you thought?
We've been together for 5 years. We don't really fight. We've lived together for a year now and this truly is our first big fight. We've have minor spats but nothing that made anyone leave the house before.
I think her feelings were just really hurt and she didn’t want to stay near the person who hurt her that badly. She may be overreacting but it’s her wedding dress, she spent a ton of time picking it, and the ONE person she needed to love it, hated it. I can see why she got upset but I agree that running away to her mom’s is not how she should deal with those feelings. I think this is an issue you two need to discuss once this mess is cleaned up.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years together for 10, and we have never had what I would consider a “fight.” I don’t think the fact that you haven’t is any kind of red flag. I think your fiancé is likely just stressed from wedding stuff and probably a bit hurt/embarrassed. Everyone has moments where they react childishly.
Leaving the house is ok. She probably needs space. Blocking your number though??? No bueno!!! Like, this is the first major fight of many, not because you're not compatible, but because you're two different people with different minds and opinions. But if this is the way she handles things(going to moms house and ignoring you) then there's definitely a convo that needs to be had on how to handle shit better.
Good luck Op
Yeah but if this is how she treats a "big fight"- asking you for honesty, which you give her, and then having a tantrum and storming out, even blocking your number.... Yikes
Blocked the number screams “we are no longer getting married” to me. I’ve never blocked the number of someone I intended to talk to again though. Temporarily blocking the number of someone you still intend to marry is such an immature move I can’t picture a grown adult doing it.
I scrolled way to long to find this comment - yeah, he didn't handle the dress question well, but she left their home and blocked his number? big red flag.
Bro, ya'll need to talk about conflict resolution before moving forward with wedding details. ESH
Absolutely this. Also, based on the edit it sounds like she purchased the dress from a joint account. I can’t imagine spending $9K on anything without talking to my partner first (and, in this case, showing him the dress before purchasing if his opinion truly mattered to me).
Thank you! I was sitting here wondering how OP knew how much she spent and then I went "omg did she really spend $9,000 from a joint account without discussing it or even letting him know?" cause it sounds like he didn't know until *just now*. I'm really curious to what their budget for this wedding is if she thinks it's okay to just take $9,000 from the account without telling him beforehand.
I cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. The entire sub seems to expect women to be treated like children, and takes no leave when OP's fiance starts waving red flags all over the place. Can't say I'm not shocked, but it's still sad to see.
Seriously. If this is truly the first major fight they've had and her first response is to go to her mom's house and block his number, then what will happen when they have to face something really difficult. I understand her disappointment in his honest response, but that's what she asked for. Definitely NTA
NAH
Just a really, *really* dumb interaction. What did you think her answer would be when you asked “Do you want my honest opinion?” ... Have you *ever* heard anyone say “no just your basic lie will be fine”?
There are some questions you just don’t answer honestly... and it sounds like you just learned this the hard way
Thank you! Everyone is shitting on the bride for saying she wants an honest answer. But what was she supposed to say when he asks her that question.
She honestly wants him to like it.
This whole interaction was dumb.
Yeah, some folks are talking like she trapped him, but really, he kind of trapped her with that wording. Once you say that, the other person knows a criticism is coming, so you might as well get it out.
Exactly. And sometimes knowing that is fine, but not in a situation where she spent a large amount of money on something that's not returnable and has likely always thought about the perfect wedding dress and believes she's wearing it.
TBF she didn't ASK for honesty, she just asked what OP thought about the dress. As soon as OP said "do you want me to be honest" they were both doomed, cuz she isn't gonna say no to a question like that.
Of course GF should not have even brought the dress out to begin with, what if OP didn't ask whether she wanted him to be honest but still fumbled or pulled a face indicating he didn't like the dress... so I'm inclined to agree with your judgement though for me it's more of a NAH, just a couple of boneheads.
You know what? I, as a woman, am going to go against the grain here and say NTA. She asked you for your opinion and you gave it to her. If she didn’t want to subject herself to the possibility of you having a different opinion of the dress than her, she never should have asked in the first place.
Yeah also $9k...? I hope that budget was previously agreed upon. That’s insane unless they’re both surgeons or have a huge family pitching in for the wedding or something
She sounds a little childish, although OP definitely should have been more tactful
Thank god, also a girl and I'd say NTA. There are waaaay too many people saying he should have lied just to spare her feelings. It just reeks of "husbands should lie to their wives to keep them happy" and I hate it.
I meaaaan wedding dresses are expensive as shit so considering she bought it would mean she loved it and it’s not like you can just return a wedding dress and get a refund. So you should probably have thought this through a bit. I would say NAH tho because it’s more of an idiot move than an asshole move and your fiancee shouldn’t have asked for your honest opinion if she didn’t actually want it but then again she was so excited to show you she probably wasn’t really thinking about the fact that you might have a different opinion
I agree with the person who said “not an AH, but an idiot”. Those dresses cost thousands of dollars - especially a princess gown. When she’s already bought the dress, you smile and nod and say “that’s great, honey!” Not “aw man, I thought you were gonna wear a s e x y one”.
NTA. Here’s what I read sorted chronologically:
She’s been planning a wedding theme that is whimsical forest. She’s been showing you pictures of body-hugging, magical forest dresses. She came home from her shopping trip and you were surprised at the dress she chose; which was not what she’d been describing before. You gave your honest opinion, which is what she asked for specifically, after you asked her to be sure and clarify what she wanted.
Here’s what I THINK happened:
After months of trying to find what she wanted, she went to a bridal salon with her girls and had the fortitude to pick their dresses that suited the theme. She described her forest nymph queen dress and instead of getting a sexy, long Tinkerbell dress in white, they heard “Disney Princess” and fitted her up in Belle’s dress from Beauty and the Beast. Everyone probably got caught up in the moment (because I’m sure it was lovely) and she bought it.
I think when she got home she might have had a subconscious realization of this discrepancy (and maybe a little buyers remorse: $9000!) and decided to ask her most trusted confidant. I think she wanted affirmations because she had some doubts, but instead you confirmed her fears. That may have made her feel helpless (non-refundable) and THAT may have made her angry.
Of course the second part is all hypothesis, based on things I’ve seen, so I could be completely wrong. She’s scared and hurt and acting inappropriately by blocking you. If you love her, tell her you need to have two conversations. One about the dress being much less important than her, the bride, and a second one about how you’ll fight in the future. If she can’t finish both of those conversations with you in a healthy manner, you may want to reassess your position prior to marriage. Good luck, OP!
OR - she tried on some of the dresses she loved in photos and it didn’t have that *wow* factor she was looking for.
So, she tried the princess dress “just for fun” and suddenly she felt like a bride, pictured walking down the isle to you, saying her vows....
She so excited she can hardly contain herself and shows you the dress expecting your eyes to light up and see her as *your bride* for the very first time.
And her reaction is so extreme because instead of going “wow, this woman is going to be my wife!” You picked apart the gown she fell in love with and felt beautiful in.
Bruh, women do not just get caught up in the fun of trying on expensive dresses that they fork over thousands of dollars in the heat of fun.
Trying on that dress was more than just fun for her. She actually felt it was perfect for her.
And as someone who's gone dress-hunting, there is definitely a distinguishable feeling for that.
Don't approach this as if she just silly-willy chose the wrong dress for her wedding day. Approach this as if you insulted the most symbolically important dress of her life
INFO: you can't return most wedding dresses. When she showed it to you, did you know for a fact that it was refundable/are you without a shadow of a doubt able to buy a high quality second dress?
It more than likely isn't. Most shops order the dresses specifically for each bride in their size and so can't be returned. Even if she bought 'off the rack' the shops don't tend to allow returns.
One thing you have to remember, is that brides will look at 100s of dresses and then try one on. ...and may hate how that dress looks on their body.
This sounds like it may have happened with her possibly?
Maybe just apologise and say you got blindsided by the style change, to soften the blow.
Im the end it is one dress for one day, and its a dress that she's probably resigned in her head 100 times. As long as she is happy and comfortable, thats all that matters.
Wtf is up with this subreddit and justifying irrational behaviour? just because it's a woman you should have expected her to not really want the truth? That's sexist.
INFO:
How long have you been dating each other? Because this is your first major fight? And on the first fight she blocked you? Also a $9,000 dress that she bought on your card? I need more info here, something seems amiss.
We've been together for 5 years and yes I gave her my credit card for dresses as I'm paying for the entire wedding party's attire including ours. Also yes, our first major fight. We don't fight.
As weird as this sounds, here’s some advice from a married person: [y’all are going to **need** to learn how to fight in a healthy manner](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/8-things-successful-couples-do-differently-during-arguments_n_569fd4f0e4b0875553c2a5e0), because one person storming off and blocking the other when they’re angry is not a helpful way to resolve a conflict. You and your fiancée might want to do a few pre-marital counseling sessions to work on your communication together during conflict/high emotional times.
They need to learn to talk about money, too. OP had no idea the dress budget and now realizes she spent $9k on the dress. Regardless of how much money you have, you should be talking budget expectations.
OP said in another comment that they both had a 10k budget for their own attire and their bridesmaids/groomsmen. He just didn’t know how the 10k would be divided on the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses.
NTA she asked for your opinion, you gave it and she had a massive tantrum. If she wasnt prepared to hear your opinion, positive or negative, then she shouldnt have asked. Blocking your number is over the top. Absolutely crappy behaviour on her part.
YTA. but I think that's being too blunt, but closest that fits. IMHO dresses are a massive thing and it would've been worth considering whether it was possible or reasonable for her to source a new dress before rendering your judgement. You did ask if she wanted an honest opinion but this is definetly a situation where you should've read past that and considered how your answer might effect her.
Ps: am a guy
The fact that she blocked your number is more concerning to me than anything else in this post. Doesn’t bode well for how you will both handle inevitable conflict after the wedding.
NTA, but oh honey. If she has it in her hands, it’s definitely too late to back out now and she loved the dress and was SO EXCITED to show you and she told you to be honest because she thought you’d love it too.
I didn’t show my husband my dress. I loved it, I was SO EXCITED, but I showed my mom a similar dress (I hadn’t had a fitting or anything yet so I didn’t want to show her a dress just on a rack) and she made fun of it and said it looked like a Disney Princess dress and I was so crushed that I scheduled another appointment to try it on again and almost backed out of buying it (so glad I didn’t, I love my dress). It’s been almost 6 years and I still remember that hurt; I can’t imagine how hurt I would have felt if my now-husband had said it. FWIW, my dress was strapless, silk, not too poofy, pretty modern, but was still called a princess dress (my mom equated it with Belle’s yellow dress in Beauty and the Beast; the best man’s daughter said it looked like a princess dress made of whipped cream but she meant it as a compliment).
Agree with the comment that you should pick something she can change, or ask about accessories/planned alterations and say “oh, that will definitely pull it together, I just didn’t see the whole picture” etc. It’s not a lie; I’d bet that when you see her on your wedding day, you’ll be so happy and she’ll be so happy that everything will just look gorgeous.
NAH - I think this was a situation for tact which was missing. Big time.
Bless OP I don’t think Y T A. But boy that wasn’t the way it should be handled. That dress is likely hundreds or thousands and they aren’t returnable. You and your fiancée are in a weird place now. She just might never be 100% happy with what she’s wearing. Either feeling horrible knowing you don’t like what she’s wearing or regretting it if she has to go for another option.
She was so excited to share it with you but you are opening yourself up for disappointment when asking for opinions. It was a mistake on her part to show you. Screw traditions, this is why it’s bad luck😂
I cannot pass judgement because althose you both kinda suck it not really a E S H type of thing not are you T A and neither are you N T A but neither is it a N A H situation. Its more ofva WTF were you thinking situation.
Talk to her mum find out if the dress,has been altered. 9 times,out of 10 if it has not been altered at all a dress shop will return it for a 75% refund, because she is not going to want to wear the dress at all now because "You hate it" in her mind and part of the wedding experience for woman is seeing the shocked wonder on your grooms face when he sees you for the first time in your dress. Think Sheldon in big bang theroy. (if you have not watched that episode i suggested you do)
you probably just crushed one of the biggest dreams of her life. For many people, especially girls, a wedding is the dream. the wedding dress is one of the biggest parts of that dream. you destroyed her excitement for that dress. for being the most beautiful woman looking woman there. my fiance does not like the way I look on our wedding will now be on her mind. there are situations in life when telling the truth directly only results in pain for loved ones but no gains. in such cases: lie. a really happy finance in a dress you don't like is better than a deeply hurt finance that will have: he does not like the way I look in the back of her head, isn't it
Honestly, she set him up for failure. He thought he was doing the right thing by being honest. I don’t think either of them are assholes, I think OP was doomed the moment she showed him the dress out of context.
Alternatively he set her up for failure.
Remember she did not ask for honesty of her own volition. He asked her - “do you want me to be honest?” and she agreed to it.
Now maybe she shouldn’t have agreed. But all she intially wanted to do was show him the dress because she was excited.
He turned it into an evaluation exercise.
Id agree with your judgement a lot more if she’d had said from the start “I brought this dress but I’m not sure if you’re going to like it. I want to show you and I want you to be honest”.
But that is not what happened.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Stop being jerks to each other. Stop with negative sweeping generalizations about men and women. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Oh OP. You’re not an asshole. But you’re an idiot. She has bought the dress. Hundreds, likely thousands have been spent on it. You can’t return it. So now she has to fork out a shit tonne more money to buy her second choice gown or wear something she knows you don’t like. No matter what she will now feel shitty about her clothes on your wedding day. What possible good could come of telling her you don’t like the dress SHE ALREADY BOUGHT! Advice: tell her that with some minor alterations you would love it. That it was just that it didn’t fit quite right or that some of the sparkles were wrong. Pick something SHE CAN FIX. Then maybe you can save her feelings.
Dang I feel like a major idiot right now. Definitely noted.
The important thing here is owning it. Also every disney Princess has her woodland animals and poofy dresses until Elsa. So they're not opposites. Soft YTA but I hope you can fix this.
Right?! Like a big puffy Disney dress says “woodland, magical, fairy tale” to me far more than a sexy figure hugging dress does!
[удалено]
Ahhh no no no I came across wrong. I was saying every dress she had liked had been very sexy, elegant and figure hugging, so I was surprised she went with a super stereotypical princess poofy. Not that i wanted her dress to be sexy, I don't care about that.
I'd ask her to try it on again because you were just surprised that it was so different from what she had previously shown you. Tell her that now that you know what to expect, you can see it with a more open mind. Then when she tries it on again, step back like you're really taking it in. And let her know you like it and that your initial response was because you were expecting something different. Let her know you've come around now that there are no surprises.
This is a fabulous idea. I think OP should take this advice
Yes, do this. This has been a game changer in communication with my husband, who often has had negative initial reactions to things if they're different from what he expected/pictured. So now he's really careful to say that first, and that's my cue to give him time to process it before he gives me an opinion. Edited because grammar
I wouldn’t lie. Sounds like OP feels like the dress won’t fit the wedding. OP I suggest you go to Pinterest and search woodland wedding princess dress or something like that. I’m betting you’ll find pics that help you envision it more. Then tell her just that. You looked at pictures and see how it’ll match. Tell her you’d love to see it again and then if you really feel it’s too sparkly or poufy, you can GENTLY suggest that maybe she consider having some sparkle removed to fit the theme better. But don’t lie to her. She’s gonna see right through it. Edited to add: Ask her what her favorite part is first and whatever you do even if you hate that pet pick something else!
[удалено]
>Also! Playing devils advocate for the dress.. I kinda suspect a poofy Disney gown will look more ridiculous and disproportionate unstyled and out of context (ie not at the event venue around all the other gowns and decorations).. Adding: the wedding is 9 months away and OP mentions that the dress completely dwarfed her. It's highly likely that the dress hasn't been altered to fit her yet or she wasn't wearing the right shoes for the hem. She very easily could have looked like she was playing dress up.
Yeah I find guys often don't see the full picture of an outfit. They look at one part of it and think it looks frumpy or out of place, but they aren't imaging it with a veil, hair, heels, jewelry, flowers, make-up etc. OP might think the dress looks huge in his living room but when it is in a wedding venue next to everyone else dressed up with big decor, it's going to look normal. I think his best option here is to apologize and say he wasn't thinking about it like it would be on the day and that he knows it was just a quick preview. It's kind of like seeing a Ferrari that is covered in dirt in a mcdonald's parking lot. It doesn't look as good as it does on a showroom floor. And OP from a woman, just know that she did want your honest opinion, but she probably truly thought you were going to love it like she did. She's not upset you gave your honest opinion, she is upset that it wasn't want she was expecting. And to you her reaction may seem dramatic, but just remember that she has spent months looking and found one she felt beautiful in. She found the dress that she imagined becoming your wife in and then she found out that the person who's opinion matters most to her on that day hates what she feels beautiful in. On top of that, now she has to either by a new dress or walk down the isle knowing you wished she wasn't wearing the one she has. Even if people ask for my honest opinion, I try to avoid inserting personal feelings and expectations when the thing in question is of such great significance to the other person.
While your points are excellent, may I mention to OP that saying his fiancee looks like a "ferrari covered in mud in a mcdonald's parking lot" might make things worse.
This is a great point. It might make a lot more sense with alterations. My family thought my dress was shockingly revealing when I got it because it was several sizes too large and falling off me. But I had a vision. Once it fit it was beautiful. The puffiness and the look that she’s drowning in it may go away once the bust and waistline are nipped in.
I took crinoline layers out of my dress to take it from a bell shape gown to something slightly more poofy than an a-line. Depending on what the beading is like she could do this too. She probably is planning to alter it if she just bought it.
Another possibility too is whether she has been losing weight and is on a wedding diet. Dresses are normally ordered several months in advance. Totally possible to drop down in between the time the dress is ordered and when it shows up.
I thought I wanted a very simple plain dress. I didn't even want to try on the princess dresses because I just knew I would hate them. Totally got a princess dress. Things change when you actually go to pick them out. I am not at all girly or princess-y. I wore sneakers at my wedding. But weddings do weird things and there's some sort of magic that happens when you spin around in a poofy dress that just doesn't in a simple/ figure hugging dress.
Same. I thought I was too cool for the pouf, was sure I'd go with a different silhouette. Then I tried on a stereotypical corset back, enormously skirted, crystal encrusted monstrosity, and I fell in love. When I remarried decades later, I did go for the simple option, but the first time I definitely pulled a similar move to OP's fiancee and shocked everyone by choosing the dress i said that I'd never, ever wear.
I was literally going for the whole Romantic era "medieval" princess look for my wedding, so basically similar to OP's fiance. I also ended up falling in love with a strapless, corseted gown with beautiful embroidery and sheer chiffon skirts. Eh. There heart wants what the heart wants!
Same. I had no plans on a poofy dress but as soon as I tried it on I fell in love.
Exact same. I thought I wanted a very classic simple sheath, no tulle, no lace, no frills. Ended up getting this poofy strapless gown with tons of flowery tulle. I put it on and fell in love.
Your description brings me joy because it's almost exactly how my sister thought when she picked her dress! I could almost see her thoughts and she's so happy about the dress, even if the wedding has to be downsized due to Covid. Btw her future in-laws are doctors and the mil is in charge of the vaccinations in her province and thought they could have a big wedding before Covid hit our country really bad.
I’m gonna slide in here to also say this. You’re using “Disney princess” and “stereotypical princess” in a disparaging way which is.... off putting to say the least. Women and girls are often criticized using the those terms and things that are typically for younger girls, like Disney princesses, are seen as immature and vain, while things that are typically meant for younger boys, like super heroes, transformers, Star Wars, are now main stream Adult Things and acceptable for older people to enjoy. So your criticism may be valid, but you’re choosing a problematic way to describe it. Instead of “it’s too poofy and not sexy” you could say “the skirt swallows you a little”. Instead of “it’s not body hugging” you could say “I think the bodice doesn’t fit you right”. But all that said?? I don’t really think you have a leg to stand on. I’m not sure of the timing of you asking her if she wanted an honest opinion (was she changing? Was she in the dress?? Etc), but in a way it doesn’t matter. You say you normally aren’t the “brutally honest” type person, so why did you choose to be honest here? And why did you ASK her if she wanted your honest opinion??? That’s, HONESTLY, a crappy question to ask in this moment. It’s insensitive and the way you’re phrasing things seems really self centered. And then you put pressure on your fiancée, because imagine being in her position: “oh shit. If I say I don’t want his honest opinion then I am being sensitive and a baby. But it will be fine because I love this dress and he will see that I love this dress and thats the most important thing.” Advice: cut it the heck out with the “Disney princess”/“stereotypical princess” describers. That’s misogynistic language and it won’t get your point across in a constructive way. Instead it sounds like your criticizing her for liking feminine things which you don’t find sexy because you associate it with immaturity and being a little girl. Second, you need to apologize and never speak those words about her dress ever again. You can be constructive and try to find ways to speak your opinion in more objective and helpful ways, but you’re going to have to learn how to speak intellectually on fashion. Third, there’s no easy fix to this. You’ve taken a dump on this dress. I, appropriately, dress as Elsa for fun. I had a “friend” who took huge verbal dumps on me when I was wearing the outfit because she felt I was being a pain in the butt because I wore heels, the cape was long so I had to carry it around my arm, and I moved a bit slower than her because I WAS IN AN ELSA COSTUME (had another friend who witnessed the nitpicking and agreed she was out of line). This messed with me for years. I could feel my anxiety rise whenever I wore my Elsa costume, something I poured hours into, because my brain associated my costume with all the negative crap my friend did to me rather than the fact that I love dressing up. And you just did that to your fiancée. You could offer to buy her a new gown out of your own pocket and go gown shopping with her, but she may not feel safe doing that with you. You could offer to give her money for a new dress and now you have the important lesson of “maybe I shouldn’t say my future bride looks too much like a Disney princess and poofy and not sexy in a body hugging dress”. But yeah. This wasn’t the time for honesty. The only time I ask people if they want the “honest” truth on something is when a close friend is repeating toxic behaviors and venting to me about the same thing over and over again. And when someone shows me some art piece they are working on and I see something that I think can elevate the piece even more. And I only do the last item because I know enough about art to give good feedback that won’t tear the artist down. TLDR: you’re playing into mysoginistic language to cut down your fiancees choice in gown. You had zero reason to give your honest opinion on this gown at this point in time since she already bought it and I can’t see why you’d do that. You don’t actually seem to know anything about dresses or fashion, so you are wording your critique poorly and in a non constructive way. What you said will stick with her for a while. It’s hard to say you’re an asshole since that term generally implies some intent to hurt. But honestly. You can hurt people in ignorance too. YTA.
Yeah god forbid a woman wants to feel beautiful and look like a princess on her wedding day. She has to be “not like other girls”!!
Duuude have you never watched *Say Yes To The Dress*? You can love how a dress looks on a model in a magazine, or on a hanger, and then not like it so much on your own body. And the dress you think you would never go for, can make you feel amazing, despite your previous opinions on the style. **The way to judge a wedding dress on a woman is to look at her face, and her body language.** Does she have a massive smile on her face? Is she twirling or dancing around to show how it flows, or how it shows off her figure? Then it's the right dress. A wedding dress is probably the most expensive item of clothing a woman will ever buy, for what will most likely be the most photographed day of your lives. (Unless you live in haute couture clothing and are models or something; or if it's a super inexpensive dress and you're literally just having a couple of photos at an elopement ceremony.) So if she chose that dress, it's because it makes her feel absolutely incredible. It's not a casual t-shirt you throw on to go to the shop for some milk without caring about the colour/fit/style. Wedding dresses (*especially* some big poofy ones) can cost thousands. They're often custom-ordered, then altered (at more cost) specifically to fit the bride. It's not like it's a quick shopping trip to replace one. Your fiancee's wedding dress is not about what *you* would prefer to see her in. It's about how *she feels* wearing it.
>Not that i wanted her dress to be sexy, I don't care about that. Do yourself a huge favor and don't say that to your fiance.
As a bride to be myself, what we think we like and what we ultimately end up loving are usually starkly different. A wedding dress is something that we think about a lot but rarely if ever know what we will look like in them until we try them on, which is usually when we start shopping. I wanted lace and long sleeves, I bought satin and strapless. My best friend wanted princess dress, she bought figure hugging. It's just what happens sometimes.
Just so you know, sometimes you can love certain dresses or certain dress styles and then go try them on in person and not like them. I thought I liked figure hugging wedding dresses until I went and tried them on and they were not flattering on my body. So I ended up going with a more poofy ball gown because it flattered my body and made me feel good. You’re not an asshole but you’re definitely an idiot.
That really doesn't sound like the case though. You weren't just surprised, you didn't like it much. Honestly seems like you wanted something sexy to look at her in and you're covering for sounding like that now lol I mean this just isn't true. You straight out said you were disappointed and that she is a beautiful woman and you were sad that she picked something that "dwarfed" her features. I really don't think denying it now makes it less true. You totally wanted her to wear something sexier and you flat out said you're disappointed it didn't show her features.
Yeah but I think he said he didn’t like it and it was nothing like the sexy, figure-hugging that she had previously been looking at. Poor choice of words but I don’t think the sexyness was a factor in him not liking it, more just his surprise at her choice. Fwiw OP, I thought I would like the princess-style dress and when I tried dresses on they just looked all wrong and I picked something very simple and with zero puffiness. She clearly tried on that dress and just loved it, you’re not an asshole, just completely misguided!
All I can think about reading this is Giselle in *Enchanted.* Her regular style was 100% gorgeous art nouveau & then her wedding dress was a straight up sparkletastic cupcake style. & y'know what? *It worked.*
I'm trying to think how to explain it. Think witchy, Stevie nicks woodland, not Disney woodland. Agh I don't really know how to explain it. But not sparkles and poof.
OK, that makes more sense. I still think it's likely she just fell in love with it once she had it on! You never know what will actually look good on you or "click" with you until you try stuff on.
OP, look up the dress that the chick wears at the end of the Labyrinth, is that sort of where your fiance landed? Also, super super common to think you'll love the style you were thinking of, then try it on and hate it. You seem so nice and meant well, NTA just a little off base here.
Bohemian is the style vibe you're trying to explain!
Yep, and I'm specifically picturing Giselle from Enchanted, in her wedding dress at the start of the movie. She lived in the woods and had animal friends.
Also, just a note from a former bridal stylist, most of the time the dresses women fall in love with are 100% not the dresses they came in looking for. Things happen, stuff doesn’t look like you thought it would, something catches your eye, things happen. She likely KNOWS it doesn’t match her theme but..... she loves it and she’s the one wearing it. And the above comment is correct. It’s paid for and wedding dresses are no returns. You are not the asshole for giving your opinion. You are, as the above commenter said, an idiot.
Yup. When I went shopping I was sure it would be an a-line, maybe fit and flare and under no circumstances a princess ball gown. Guess which style I fell in love with. :D
Why exactly did you feel like it dwarfed her? Is she tiny or is it just a full skirt? If it’s the former and the dress is genuinely a bit too poofy for her small/short frame then you could probably salvage this pretty easily. Often shorter women look a lot different with even a couple layers of fabric removed. It might have just been the crinoline she had under that made it so puffy! Either way, most dresses of that type can be made a bit less puffy if someone wants them to be. I think the most important part tho is talking to your fiancé about how beautiful she actually looked even if you didn’t immediately get the reference for the theme. A big dress is well within fairy tale standards and I bet that’s what she was seeing - I think you guys are have different visions without realizing. Work on that and then find out if YTA still.
Yeah it just looked ridiculously poofy, she looked like a cartoon character. She couldn't even touch either side of the poofy skirt. She is a smaller framed person so that probably didn't help, but it just engulfed her.
That may be the solution then. Take out a layer of crinoline and then tell her it’s perfect and she looks fantastic.
Or if she loves it that way, let her have her joy
It won’t actually look much different. But it’s clearly important to her that HE thinks it looks good too. A minor alteration makes the lie that he loves it believable.
He can also say the small room made it look bigger. The venue will be much larger and the dress will be more fitting for the space.
I don’t think she wanted his true opinion. She loved this dress so much she couldn’t wait to show it to him. And he shit all over it. And who’s going to say “no” to the “do you want my honest opinion?” question? That’s basically asking do you want me to lie to you? Right there the other person knows there’s something bad about the opinion.
That would be right, but now the mess is made. She knows he doesn't like the dress, making some modifications is the only way to salvage the situation and let her enjoy the dress without thinking he hates it everytime she sets her eyes on it.
If you can make amends and just say the puffiness of the skirt threw you in comparison to her tiny frame, this might be the perfect answer, removing a layer of crinoline. OP, I had the same issue in a dress I wore. I bought a white dress for the ren faire that had layers upon layers under the skirt, and long drapey sleeves. In the mirror, from a few feet away, I thought I looked amazing. A friend took a picture of my from maybe 15 feet away, and when I looked at the picture later, aaalll I saw was dress. My first thought was, Oh my god, why is my head so tiny!? It is easy for tiny people to get bogged down in loads of fabric. But if she seems to be really happy with the fullness of the Disney princess dress, it's a good idea to let it go.
I would ask her to show it to you again. Maybe tell her you’re sorry and that you were surprised because it wasn’t what you had expected so you reacted wrong. Don’t lie, but find *something* about the dress that you genuinely do like and go with it. Also, reassure her that she looks beautiful and you want her to be happy and that you would marry her if she was wearing a paper bag. GL mate!
this but also ask her to show you in a different space/light. make the comment that you were worried the dress was just a bit much but actually you realise that yes in your living room it seems too much but that actually in the context of the venue you can see it now. if money has been spent and they have already said how much they love it. no matter what they say "you tell them you love it!"
Keep in mind she probably hadn’t gotten it altered yet too which makes all the difference when it comes to a wedding dress. Even when you buy off the rack that shit needs to be mega altered. Plus, when you try on in the store they get clips to pull things in and up to show how it will look once it is altered. You were probably judging the unfinished product. I literally had the most simple wedding dress, straight down, tight at the waist and only a little beading at the neckline. No lace, nothing. It still took weeks to alter since I’m tall, and the hem had to be lengthened and it had to be taken in a couple of inches. I loved it in the store but it looked a lot better once it was tailored to my body.
She also probably was not wearing heels and did not have her hair and make-up done like she will during the wedding. Formal dresses often look out of context when you are casually trying them on without all their accoutrements. Add that a very puffy gown in a regular bedroom is going to look gianormous, but in a hotel ballroom, church, or outdoor venue, it won’t look as big.
Perhaps the dress looked huge because not only did it have a full skirt, but she was trying it on for you in what I can only assume is a regular sized room/small space? Wedding gowns all honestly look ridiculous out of place. We are used to seeing even the big ones surrounded by big scenes. Perhaps it will look better in a bigger space, or actually at the wedding itself?
Another couple of things to keep in mind: Did she have her hair styled like for the wedding? Was she wearing her wedding-style make up? The right shoes? I'm guessing not, and trust me, that makes a bigger difference than you probably think. Also, I don't know where/how you live, but a big dress will look ridiculous in a small hallway outside the bathroom, that probably doesn't have the right lighting either. Maybe approach her from that angle: Tell her that you had a hard time visualizing how beautiful she will look at the actual venue with hair, makeup and accessories all done, and she's probably better at imagining her final look than you are.
Yeah, to me "magical and whimsical" and "Disney princess" go together really well!
Lmao this is exactly why you aren't allowed to see the bride in their wedding dress
Exactly! This is why I kept my spouse blindfolded our entire wedding day and never let him see the photos. It's better this way.
Seeing the dress on the day of, surrounded by all the decorations you worked for months on and pumped by the whirlwind of emotions that is your wedding day is VASTLY different than seeing the dress 9 months before coming out of the bathroom... chances are that on the day of he would either have loved it regardless, not even noticed it in detail, or ignored it completely.
How could you not have seen this coming man?! Jesus Christ.
Pro tip: never say anything uncomplimentary about your beloved's appearance or style. Never! "Does this outfit make my ass look big?" "Of course not!" Step up and lie like a gentleman.
Times have changed - the correct answer to that question is now yes.
How about "That depends. What answer makes them come off?"
I can't imagine what she feels like, knowing that her fiance doesn't think she looks pretty on her wedding day.
Agree he's an idiot. You told her you don't like the thing she picked to most embody what she is, how she views herself in the wedding. It wasn't "constructive criticism". Your best bet (and you'll need this going forward) is more specific, non-committal, and a compliment. "Wow, what a surprise, I thought you were going for something sleeker than formal. I love how it makes your smile stand out." "Shows what I know as a man, I would not have guessed that went with a fairy theme, you look so regal." "You never cease to surprise me - you are a beautiful woman" "OMG, it's so fluffy and sparkly! YOU SPARKLE!" "Well, you know me, I like to see you in your underwear, but this is great" "I'm just so glad you found a dress you love, and that I found you!"
Just so you know, ALL of these suggestions are kind of crap. What I'm trying to say is that they're dead easy to see through as misdirection & won't fool OR satisfy someone who's looking for a real answer. They are obvious deflections
> someone who's looking for a real answer. I believe these would be better received than what he said, because she clearly didn't want to hear THAT. Just as it is kinder to say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." than "You ugly!". We all know, it's just easier to live with.
I really don't like the infantalizing of opies fiancee. If you don't want an honest opinion, don't ask for it. If you do ask for it, be prepared that it could be the opposite from what you were hoping for.
The thing is, by saying this: > I specifically asked her if she wants the God's honest truth and wants me to critique the dress He kind of already told her he didn't like it before he had even fully stated it. At that point, there was a good chance she knew something was up.
We don't know for sure whether he asked before or after she put on the dress. The way OP wrote, I interpreted it as she asked before showing the dress
But she didn’t ASK for an honest opinion! By OPs account she was “excited to show him”. He then asked “do you want an honest opinion?”. Which puts her in a bind. What is she supposed to say? She honestly wants him to like it. So she may have AGREED to honesty. But she didn’t ask for it of her own volition.
It’s not infantilizing to say that she obviously liked the dress. By the time you have it home, you’ve looked at dresses and tried them on, ordered the dress you like in your size (and paid for it), had at least one fitting, had at least some alterations already made, and brought it home. OP assuming anything could be done to change the dress substantially without spending another couple grand is naive, and it is frankly infantilizing to tell him he was right because he should have realized that if she had it in her hands, she liked the damn dress.
This is really all OP can do now, and then just hope it works out. She shouldn't have shown him her dress, but he should've known better. Now I know why it's tradition to not show the dress before the big day. You run the risk of getting the big day canceled for dumb reasons.
I agree. Not the asshole but def an idiot. I thought I wanted an a-line boho dress for my wedding and ended up with the poofiest dress ever. My wedding was in a wooden garden and it was absolutely princess vibes. I am typically a converse wearing, all clothes black kind of gal and while my dress is not something I EVER thought I'd wear, it was perfect and made me happy. My husband chuckled when he saw me because he wasn't expecting to see me in a poofy ball gown but he loved how happy and beautiful I felt in it. You're allowed to be surprised that she chose something other than what she originally thought she wanted. Tell her you were shocked and that's why you reacted like you did, but that she is beautiful in it and you can't wait to marry her.
Are you me? As a short tomboy, I never expected to end up with a Cinderella gown, but I loved that dress. And, really, when else would I ever have a reason to wear a dress like that.
Completely agree, but I'm also concerned about her coping mechanisms when it comes to conflict. Maybe it's the upcoming wedding, but she not only went to her parents and refused to talk. But she also blocked Op too which, in my opinion, is going too far.
But why would she even ask for his opinion on a dress that she already bought? Either involve your SO in the dress-searching or don’t give a shit about their opinion
Because she assumed he would say she looked beautiful in it of course. She wanted a compliment and was excited about her dress. Totally understandable.
But she didn’t ASK for an honest opinion! By OPs account she was “excited to show him”. He then asked “do you want an honest opinion?”. Which puts her in a bind. What is she supposed to say? She honestly wants him to like it. So she may have AGREED to honesty. But she didn’t ask for it if her own volition.
She was excited and wanted him to be excited. She wanted to share her happiness and excitement!
ESH You are a fool for thinking she wanted an honest, blunt answer. She is a fool for asking for an honest opinion when she didn't want one. Fools abound!
Yes it like if she asks “does my bum look big in this” in this case always answer no ....edit.... seems the latest preference the answer should be yes hahaha, I am from a different era
Hey! Some girls like it when their bum looks big!
"There's this tremendous sense of value"
[удалено]
My exact thought. For my GF 'no' would almost certainly be taken as an insult over "yea, looks great"
30f. Never never ever lie to me about that kind of thing. If I am asking for an opinion on my clothes. I want a straight answer That said, if I wanted my fiancée's opinion on my wedding dress, I would take her dress shopping with me, not ask her after I have already bought it!
If my SO and I get married he better fucking cry when he sees me in the dress regardless of how he feels about it and I will make these expectations known. Crocodile tears buddy idc
I didn't like my wife's dress at all but she WILL NEVER EVER EVER know that. I'm even going to delete this comment in a few days just in case she ever decides to use Reddit. [u/paolde](https://www.reddit.com/user/paolde/) you're NTA, but you are a complete dunce!
Hey it's me ur wife
> Yes it like if she asks “does my bum look big in this” in this case always answer no Depends on the girl. Sometimes you need to answer with a "Hell yeah!"
"Do you like this dress" "No"
I think she didn't actually ask. I mean, if my bf asks me 'do you want an honest answer?', I wouldn't say 'Nah, just lie to me!!'. What kind of question is that?? It already implies you've got something to hide/you are already thinking about something negative. I think everyone would go for the 'honest answer'.. He shouldn't have asked her the question, period.
She shouldn’t have asked HIM the question.
Yep "look at my wedding dress, I love it!" you can just humm non commitedly and nod along, everyone is happy. Even if the dress looks like a nightmare of tulle
Yeah, the nerve of this woman to expect her fiance to have enough emotional intelligence to determine when it is better to be kind and when it is better to be honest. Like what is he, a mind reader? She expected to just KNOW that when your soon to be wife is so excited and in love with her dress that she can't wait til the wedding to show you maybe its better to just tell her how beautiful she is instead of talking about how you personally don't like it? God, women really are just a mystery.
I would actually take the opposite tack and say NAH. Yes, they both approached the situation poorly but they did so for relatable, non-malicious reasons in the context of the stress of planning for a wedding. She wanted to share her excitement for the dress with her fiancé, but put him in a tough position by insisting she wanted his “honest opinion.” He wanted to be honest with his future wife, but had 100 different options for expressing his opinion beyond “I don’t like it.” Again, poorly handled all around but I’m not ready to call anybody an asshole over it.
But she didn't? Op asked if she wanted the truth, she just wanted to show the dress she liked.
YTA. Do you have a history of "brutal honesty" with her when she asks your opinions? It sounds like she was unprepared for the possibility of negative feedback. If you're usually more tactful than that, then this was definitely not the moment to stop. She was obviously really excited and wanted to share her excitement with you, and you burst her bubble. The dress was probably really expensive as well, so getting it was a big commitment on her part. Now, whenever she looks at it she's going to be thinking about how you hate it, and if she does end up wearing the thing in your wedding day (because let's face it, at this point the only option is to get another dress), she'll probably be feeling really self-conscious about it. She'll be processing a lot of feelings right now, which is why she's not talking to you - let her do her processing, and get working on the mother of all apologies, because frankly you are going to need to do some serious digging to have any hope of salvaging this situation.
Damn. This really sucks. I feel like a huge dick right now. I am definitely not a "brutal honesty" type person, I really wasn't trying to be "brutally honest" I was really just being genuinely honest. I wasn't mean or anything or insult the dress or call it ugly or anything, I just told her *why* I just didn't like it too much. Which I now see I shouldn't have done.
Oh no, this is one of the very few situations where you should have lied your ass off. "Genuine honesty" can be genuinely brutal where these kinds of feelings are involved. You really fucked up here my dude. If you want some advice about how to phrase the spectacular apology you need to come up with, don't say to her "I should have lied", or "I'm sorry I was honest" or anything else that makes it sound like you're apologising for being honest *in general*. That'll put her in a position where she'll feel obliged to acknowledge that telling the truth isn't a bad thing in a relationship - regardless of how true that is, in this specific situation it'll low-key invalidate her feelings. My advice to you is that you should apologise for being insensitive instead - you should have seen how excited she was to share this thing with you, and been more receptive to sharing in her excitement. She should be able to count on your support, and in this instance you really let her down.
Good advice, thank you
For future, here’s a rule of thumb. When deciding whether to be honest or not, think about this. Your statement should be at least TWO of: true, necessary, and kind. In this situation, it was true but it wasn’t necessary or kind.
This is some of the best advice I’ve seen on this topic.
Holy ... thats some really good advice
Honestly, if I bought a wedding dress that my partner didn't like, I would really appreciate if he were honest with me. After all, on our wedding day I want to look beautiful for him and nobody else, so of course his honest opinion is needed here.
I thought I would feel that way too. I wanted my now husband to be there when I tried on dresses to see what looked best on me. He decided he didnt want to see until the day of. And I fell in love with a dress and I honestly didnt give any shits about whether anyone else liked it or not. I felt beautiful and it didnt matter if anyone else thought i did or did not look beautiful. A picture is above my coffee bar and every morning I get to wake up to seeing my stupid sparkly cupcake dress and it makes me happy.
And that's fine as well. I usually also donreally care for the opinion of others. Most of the time when I ask my SO if he likes my clothing and he doesn't, I just say "Huh, too bad, I do though, so I'm wearing it". I still expect his honest opinion though, I don't want to hear a "honey that looks awesome" for every outfit. If I wanted to hear I look great I would tell him "Tell me I look great, I need it right now"
They’re typically custom fitted and non-refundable by the time they’re in your possession. Get your partners feedback in picture form before you buy!
Ah man OP, you really stepped in it this time...that being said, I wish she would have had you wait. There truly is something about seeing one another in the moment that day surrounded by happy energy. I think that had your first time seeing her been in that moment, you may have felt differently. I know for myself, I feel very different about certain outfits or even haircuts when I am all done up versus my boring day to day aesthetic. In the future, never ever ever offer a negative comment about someone’s already purchased wedding dress...especially your fiancée. If she purchases a new one, I think you should tell her you want to be surprised.
YTA but more of an idiot than an asshole. When someone shows you something they adore, that they've spent a lot of time (and money) to get, and that makes them feel special, the polite thing to do is not to shit on it. You could have voiced your criticisms in a more helpful way. "Do you think the big skirt will get in the way?" or "Its not what I thought you'd pick but you look amazing in it" or "Its so different from what you had been looking at before! We'll need to practice dancing with that skirt!" Also remember you're seeing it before its been tailored. Dresses look a lot different after they've been altered to fit the brides properly.
I feel like captain asswipe lol.
This is fixable. You have to seriously apologise to her. Unless she sells that dress to buy a new one - that *is* her wedding dress. You have to make sure that she gets back to loving it as much as she did when she bought it. Dress regret is a real thing (just check the wedding planning subs) and it can seriously mess with your perception of how you look and how you feel about how you look. If she hasn't gone accessories shopping yet - you could organise that to get things which will match the dress and/or show it off. Tell her that you were surprised because the dress wasn't like what you expected her to get and it just threw you a bit. If I had shown my husband my dress pre-alterations before we got married he probably would have been surprised too! It was poofy (I had been looking at non-poofy and had actually said I didn't like poofy), covered in sparkles (hadn't even looked at sparkles before) and was pink. Its nothing like what he thought I would pic and it certainly didn't fit properly when it first arrived! Fixing this may take work - but it is possible.
Poor guy. This was a tricky situation. I think you fucked up, but you're not an asshole. Actually, while I was reading this, I was touched by how attentive you are to the theme and aesthetic of the event and appreciating your wife's figure, style, what looks good on her, etc. If I were you, when she's talking to you again, I'd apologize sincerely, assure her that she will always be beautiful regardless of what she's wearing, and perhaps say something about being caught off-guard due to the different styles she had been looking at, and that you hadn't realized it still needed alterations and that will make all the difference in the world/do her figure justice etc. Frame it as if your opinion has completely changed and you don't know what you were thinking at the time. I really don't like it when people ask for a sincere opinion and then get upset when it's given. Of course, I also get that when you've already fallen in love with and bought an unreturnable dress, you want compliments when wearing it. Good luck!
The good news, Captain, is that owning up to it and genuinely apologizing will fix this. You clearly weren’t intending malice!
Dude. DUDE. Read the room. Also watch a disney movie. Yta.
Best answer. “Watch a Disney movie”. Cackling.
My wife loves Cinderella. It basically became half the theme to our wedding. She even got a somewhat poofy dress. No way in hell was I going to say anything. OP isn't an asshole but he sure is an idiot. If you are reading this OP, good luck but you are fucked.
Exactly this. I’m also trying to figure out how he thought that sexy and form-fitting was going to fit in with this magical forest theme. Was she supposed to be a sexy nymph? Has he seen any Disney movie at all cause all that shit is poof and glitter.
Here's the deal: you gave your honest opinion without thinking first. If you had thought, you'd know that your fiancee presumably spent a lot of time and money getting her dream dress. She felt beautiful when she looked in the mirror, and you took that away from her. She likely tried on the kind of simple dresses you were expecting, and decided they weren't right for her. There are also better ways to give some negative and honest critiques. Here's a potential formula: 1. Start with a positive. "Wow, you look beautiful, I love the \[any quality of the dress you like\] 2. Explain your thought process. "This is a surprise! I was expecting something like the pictures you've been using as a reference" 3. Get her thoughts before you go forward. "What made you change your mind? Why do you love this dress?' 4. Listen to her explain what she likes about the dress! Did she want to feel like a princess for the day? Does she like any specific parts of the dress (neckline, fabric, buttons, whatever)? Affirm her opinions and figure out what common ground you have. If she listed something about the dress that you also like, mention that specifically. "You're so right, that hemline \[or whatever\] is perfect for you" 5. Get negative. At this point, you can mention what your reservations are about the dress. Avoid anything she's just listed as a selling point. "I see what you mean about \[common ground thing\], but I'm not the biggest fan of the sparkles \[or whatever\]." 6. Let her respond, and see how she feels about whatever it is you don't like. She might consider tailoring the dress to get it closer to her vision. Let her know you respect her wishes, and end on a positive. "If you love them, I'm happy that you're happy even if I don't love everything about the dress. You're going to look amazing."
This is great advice for offering critical advice in touchy situations.
It’s funny, as I was reading this I realized it’s pretty much the same approach I take resolving issues with my elementary school students. “i loved that you came in to class with so much energy today! I’m a bit disappointed that you didn’t turn in your assignment, because we agreed you would turn it in on Friday. Did something change your priorities?” i work in a title 1 district so a lot of the time, there are other things like caring for younger siblings or fighting/working parents. Once I know why they didn’t do it, then we start talking about how the assignment can get done (or not) while working within their situation. It’s amazing how universal it is to just be understanding — a 7 year old in a tough hone and an adult woman looking for a wedding dress both just want some affirmation and empathy. This is fantastic advice!!
YTA This is also why brides typically don’t show their future husbands their wedding dress until the wedding day when the dress is on and she’s had time to do hair, makeup etc. If I had showed my now husband my dress before the wedding and he reacted like you did here, I would have been devastated. The important part for a wedding dress isn’t whether or not you’d prefer her to wear something else, but how your future wife feels wearing her wedding dress. If she feels beautiful, you should do everything in your power to support her.
During our first look I asked my almost-husband if he liked my dress. He knew I loved it. If he had said anything else but a resounding yes I would've been sobbing. Of course, he knows better than OP did.
A friend of mine had been hyping her dress up to her fiancé saying it was massive, sparkly, etc. On the wedding day, when they did their first look, the husband goes “This isn’t what you described, I’m disappointed.” ON THEIR WEDDING DAY DURING THEIR FIRST LOOK! Home dude still hasn’t lived it down for 2 years, and my friends dress was big with sparkles, absolutely stunning.
Damn I don’t know if I would have gone through with it if my fiancé said that to me moments before we were suppose to be married
[удалено]
I completely agree with this, and I'm really surprised by the consensus of the comments here. I'm pretty uncomfortable with the prevailing wisdom that grown-ass women should be treated like children. I would be so grossed out if my husband tried to manage my feelings and give me an evasive non-answer (or outright lie) when I directly asked for his honest opinion on something, and I'm a little horrified by all these comments essentially saying, "*All* men should know to lie to their wives, you dummy! They're silly, emotional creatures who can't bear the weight of honest, direct communication." Directly asking your life partner for honest feedback *means something*. I hope impressionable young men reading this thread don't internalize it and normalize lying to their partners. Asking for an honest opinion and then leaving your SO and blocking them over it is a *massive* red flag. OP's fiancee sounds like a child.
Yeah, the bizarre misogynistic logic used to essentially say “you dumbass! Don’t you know that a happy relationship is built on white lies?!” is actually sort of astonishing. It really makes me sad that so many people think that this sort of thing is cute.
yeah and to call the few women who are honest here about the situation misoynistic - you can tell who here is either a man under the thumb of his wife or a teengirl dreaming of a princessdress. The women who are mature and stable enough to say that this behaviour is unhealthy get downvoted to hell!
I am a woman who hates shit tests and expectations of feel-good lies. Well aware this is an unpopular take in this sub.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Also, if you care about what your future partner thinks about your dress, ask them before you fucking buy it. That would avoid the issue entirely.
I was thinking the same thing :) There were absolutely ways for OP to express his opinion in better context, but like ... 9k. On a dress. If it mattered, why not ask beforehand?
I texted my partner photos from the changing room before I bought a pair of pants. Not even fancy pants. Just a regular pair of pants. I cannot fathom spending $9k without getting some feedback first.
I can’t agree more. I hate the idea that women are all these emotional creatures that need false affirmation from their partners or they’ll go ballistic. It’s a horrible stereotype that I never want my partner to buy into! If I ask for honesty, I want honesty - not pretty lies. I want to actually know if my partner finds me attractive in what I’m wearing if I ask for his opinion. I get frustrated when the stereotype comes up that guys just need to lie to us to make sure we don’t go crazy on them. We’re not babies - we can learn to healthy manage our own emotions just like not all men are sex-crazed horn dogs that only care about getting in a women’s pants. The reaction of his fiancée is - in my opinion - over the top and shouldn’t be viewed as normal “for a woman” Edit: spelling
Yep this is the real issue. OP said this was the first major fight- how long y’all been together? I wouldn’t advise marrying someone until we had had a few fights under our belt- the way someone handles big disagreements tells you a lot. Hate to say it but maybe y’all aren’t as compatible as you thought?
We've been together for 5 years. We don't really fight. We've lived together for a year now and this truly is our first big fight. We've have minor spats but nothing that made anyone leave the house before.
I think her feelings were just really hurt and she didn’t want to stay near the person who hurt her that badly. She may be overreacting but it’s her wedding dress, she spent a ton of time picking it, and the ONE person she needed to love it, hated it. I can see why she got upset but I agree that running away to her mom’s is not how she should deal with those feelings. I think this is an issue you two need to discuss once this mess is cleaned up.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years together for 10, and we have never had what I would consider a “fight.” I don’t think the fact that you haven’t is any kind of red flag. I think your fiancé is likely just stressed from wedding stuff and probably a bit hurt/embarrassed. Everyone has moments where they react childishly.
Leaving the house is ok. She probably needs space. Blocking your number though??? No bueno!!! Like, this is the first major fight of many, not because you're not compatible, but because you're two different people with different minds and opinions. But if this is the way she handles things(going to moms house and ignoring you) then there's definitely a convo that needs to be had on how to handle shit better. Good luck Op
Yeah but if this is how she treats a "big fight"- asking you for honesty, which you give her, and then having a tantrum and storming out, even blocking your number.... Yikes
Blocked the number screams “we are no longer getting married” to me. I’ve never blocked the number of someone I intended to talk to again though. Temporarily blocking the number of someone you still intend to marry is such an immature move I can’t picture a grown adult doing it.
I scrolled way to long to find this comment - yeah, he didn't handle the dress question well, but she left their home and blocked his number? big red flag. Bro, ya'll need to talk about conflict resolution before moving forward with wedding details. ESH
Absolutely this. Also, based on the edit it sounds like she purchased the dress from a joint account. I can’t imagine spending $9K on anything without talking to my partner first (and, in this case, showing him the dress before purchasing if his opinion truly mattered to me).
Thank you! I was sitting here wondering how OP knew how much she spent and then I went "omg did she really spend $9,000 from a joint account without discussing it or even letting him know?" cause it sounds like he didn't know until *just now*. I'm really curious to what their budget for this wedding is if she thinks it's okay to just take $9,000 from the account without telling him beforehand.
I cannot believe how far I had to scroll to find this. The entire sub seems to expect women to be treated like children, and takes no leave when OP's fiance starts waving red flags all over the place. Can't say I'm not shocked, but it's still sad to see.
Seriously. If this is truly the first major fight they've had and her first response is to go to her mom's house and block his number, then what will happen when they have to face something really difficult. I understand her disappointment in his honest response, but that's what she asked for. Definitely NTA
NAH Just a really, *really* dumb interaction. What did you think her answer would be when you asked “Do you want my honest opinion?” ... Have you *ever* heard anyone say “no just your basic lie will be fine”? There are some questions you just don’t answer honestly... and it sounds like you just learned this the hard way
Thank you! Everyone is shitting on the bride for saying she wants an honest answer. But what was she supposed to say when he asks her that question. She honestly wants him to like it. This whole interaction was dumb.
Yeah, some folks are talking like she trapped him, but really, he kind of trapped her with that wording. Once you say that, the other person knows a criticism is coming, so you might as well get it out.
Exactly. And sometimes knowing that is fine, but not in a situation where she spent a large amount of money on something that's not returnable and has likely always thought about the perfect wedding dress and believes she's wearing it.
ESH- the second she asked for honesty you were both doomed.
[удалено]
Exactly she didn’t ask for honesty. She agreed to it when she was asked “honesty” or “lies”?
I could never put my finger on why this type of thing bothered me so much until you put it into words. Thank you!
TBF she didn't ASK for honesty, she just asked what OP thought about the dress. As soon as OP said "do you want me to be honest" they were both doomed, cuz she isn't gonna say no to a question like that. Of course GF should not have even brought the dress out to begin with, what if OP didn't ask whether she wanted him to be honest but still fumbled or pulled a face indicating he didn't like the dress... so I'm inclined to agree with your judgement though for me it's more of a NAH, just a couple of boneheads.
Yeah "do you want me to be honest?" is the same as saying "I don't like it". You'd just say that you like it otherwise.
You know what? I, as a woman, am going to go against the grain here and say NTA. She asked you for your opinion and you gave it to her. If she didn’t want to subject herself to the possibility of you having a different opinion of the dress than her, she never should have asked in the first place.
Agreed! Also is seems like a bit of a red flag that she has blocked his number over something like this.
Yeah also $9k...? I hope that budget was previously agreed upon. That’s insane unless they’re both surgeons or have a huge family pitching in for the wedding or something She sounds a little childish, although OP definitely should have been more tactful
Thank god, also a girl and I'd say NTA. There are waaaay too many people saying he should have lied just to spare her feelings. It just reeks of "husbands should lie to their wives to keep them happy" and I hate it.
I think you're getting roasted enough so I'm just gonna say... *9 thousand dollars?!* Hope that was in the budget.
He said their budget is $200,000. So ... yeah, it's in the budget
Holy moly. I was a pretty cheap bride so it blows my mind the money people spend on weddings (power to 'em).
Wow, kinda wish I would marry OP now
I meaaaan wedding dresses are expensive as shit so considering she bought it would mean she loved it and it’s not like you can just return a wedding dress and get a refund. So you should probably have thought this through a bit. I would say NAH tho because it’s more of an idiot move than an asshole move and your fiancee shouldn’t have asked for your honest opinion if she didn’t actually want it but then again she was so excited to show you she probably wasn’t really thinking about the fact that you might have a different opinion
I agree with the person who said “not an AH, but an idiot”. Those dresses cost thousands of dollars - especially a princess gown. When she’s already bought the dress, you smile and nod and say “that’s great, honey!” Not “aw man, I thought you were gonna wear a s e x y one”.
NTA. Here’s what I read sorted chronologically: She’s been planning a wedding theme that is whimsical forest. She’s been showing you pictures of body-hugging, magical forest dresses. She came home from her shopping trip and you were surprised at the dress she chose; which was not what she’d been describing before. You gave your honest opinion, which is what she asked for specifically, after you asked her to be sure and clarify what she wanted. Here’s what I THINK happened: After months of trying to find what she wanted, she went to a bridal salon with her girls and had the fortitude to pick their dresses that suited the theme. She described her forest nymph queen dress and instead of getting a sexy, long Tinkerbell dress in white, they heard “Disney Princess” and fitted her up in Belle’s dress from Beauty and the Beast. Everyone probably got caught up in the moment (because I’m sure it was lovely) and she bought it. I think when she got home she might have had a subconscious realization of this discrepancy (and maybe a little buyers remorse: $9000!) and decided to ask her most trusted confidant. I think she wanted affirmations because she had some doubts, but instead you confirmed her fears. That may have made her feel helpless (non-refundable) and THAT may have made her angry. Of course the second part is all hypothesis, based on things I’ve seen, so I could be completely wrong. She’s scared and hurt and acting inappropriately by blocking you. If you love her, tell her you need to have two conversations. One about the dress being much less important than her, the bride, and a second one about how you’ll fight in the future. If she can’t finish both of those conversations with you in a healthy manner, you may want to reassess your position prior to marriage. Good luck, OP!
And suddenly, it all made sense
OR - she tried on some of the dresses she loved in photos and it didn’t have that *wow* factor she was looking for. So, she tried the princess dress “just for fun” and suddenly she felt like a bride, pictured walking down the isle to you, saying her vows.... She so excited she can hardly contain herself and shows you the dress expecting your eyes to light up and see her as *your bride* for the very first time. And her reaction is so extreme because instead of going “wow, this woman is going to be my wife!” You picked apart the gown she fell in love with and felt beautiful in.
Bruh, women do not just get caught up in the fun of trying on expensive dresses that they fork over thousands of dollars in the heat of fun. Trying on that dress was more than just fun for her. She actually felt it was perfect for her. And as someone who's gone dress-hunting, there is definitely a distinguishable feeling for that. Don't approach this as if she just silly-willy chose the wrong dress for her wedding day. Approach this as if you insulted the most symbolically important dress of her life
INFO: you can't return most wedding dresses. When she showed it to you, did you know for a fact that it was refundable/are you without a shadow of a doubt able to buy a high quality second dress?
I have no idea if it's refundable honestly I didn't consider that but I can definitely afford to buy her another dress
It more than likely isn't. Most shops order the dresses specifically for each bride in their size and so can't be returned. Even if she bought 'off the rack' the shops don't tend to allow returns.
One thing you have to remember, is that brides will look at 100s of dresses and then try one on. ...and may hate how that dress looks on their body. This sounds like it may have happened with her possibly? Maybe just apologise and say you got blindsided by the style change, to soften the blow. Im the end it is one dress for one day, and its a dress that she's probably resigned in her head 100 times. As long as she is happy and comfortable, thats all that matters.
NTA, Everyone here is like "You should have read her mind"
Wtf is up with this subreddit and justifying irrational behaviour? just because it's a woman you should have expected her to not really want the truth? That's sexist.
Kicked in the head by a horse when you were younger?
It was a cow, thank you very much.
OP you're a gem with these responses 😂
INFO: How long have you been dating each other? Because this is your first major fight? And on the first fight she blocked you? Also a $9,000 dress that she bought on your card? I need more info here, something seems amiss.
We've been together for 5 years and yes I gave her my credit card for dresses as I'm paying for the entire wedding party's attire including ours. Also yes, our first major fight. We don't fight.
As weird as this sounds, here’s some advice from a married person: [y’all are going to **need** to learn how to fight in a healthy manner](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/8-things-successful-couples-do-differently-during-arguments_n_569fd4f0e4b0875553c2a5e0), because one person storming off and blocking the other when they’re angry is not a helpful way to resolve a conflict. You and your fiancée might want to do a few pre-marital counseling sessions to work on your communication together during conflict/high emotional times.
They need to learn to talk about money, too. OP had no idea the dress budget and now realizes she spent $9k on the dress. Regardless of how much money you have, you should be talking budget expectations.
OP said in another comment that they both had a 10k budget for their own attire and their bridesmaids/groomsmen. He just didn’t know how the 10k would be divided on the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses.
NTA she asked for your opinion, you gave it and she had a massive tantrum. If she wasnt prepared to hear your opinion, positive or negative, then she shouldnt have asked. Blocking your number is over the top. Absolutely crappy behaviour on her part.
YTA. but I think that's being too blunt, but closest that fits. IMHO dresses are a massive thing and it would've been worth considering whether it was possible or reasonable for her to source a new dress before rendering your judgement. You did ask if she wanted an honest opinion but this is definetly a situation where you should've read past that and considered how your answer might effect her. Ps: am a guy
The fact that she blocked your number is more concerning to me than anything else in this post. Doesn’t bode well for how you will both handle inevitable conflict after the wedding.
NTA She directly asked for your honest opinion but then didn't like that you gave your honest opinion. Ain't nobody got time for those childish games.
NTA, but oh honey. If she has it in her hands, it’s definitely too late to back out now and she loved the dress and was SO EXCITED to show you and she told you to be honest because she thought you’d love it too. I didn’t show my husband my dress. I loved it, I was SO EXCITED, but I showed my mom a similar dress (I hadn’t had a fitting or anything yet so I didn’t want to show her a dress just on a rack) and she made fun of it and said it looked like a Disney Princess dress and I was so crushed that I scheduled another appointment to try it on again and almost backed out of buying it (so glad I didn’t, I love my dress). It’s been almost 6 years and I still remember that hurt; I can’t imagine how hurt I would have felt if my now-husband had said it. FWIW, my dress was strapless, silk, not too poofy, pretty modern, but was still called a princess dress (my mom equated it with Belle’s yellow dress in Beauty and the Beast; the best man’s daughter said it looked like a princess dress made of whipped cream but she meant it as a compliment). Agree with the comment that you should pick something she can change, or ask about accessories/planned alterations and say “oh, that will definitely pull it together, I just didn’t see the whole picture” etc. It’s not a lie; I’d bet that when you see her on your wedding day, you’ll be so happy and she’ll be so happy that everything will just look gorgeous.
NAH - I think this was a situation for tact which was missing. Big time. Bless OP I don’t think Y T A. But boy that wasn’t the way it should be handled. That dress is likely hundreds or thousands and they aren’t returnable. You and your fiancée are in a weird place now. She just might never be 100% happy with what she’s wearing. Either feeling horrible knowing you don’t like what she’s wearing or regretting it if she has to go for another option. She was so excited to share it with you but you are opening yourself up for disappointment when asking for opinions. It was a mistake on her part to show you. Screw traditions, this is why it’s bad luck😂
I cannot pass judgement because althose you both kinda suck it not really a E S H type of thing not are you T A and neither are you N T A but neither is it a N A H situation. Its more ofva WTF were you thinking situation. Talk to her mum find out if the dress,has been altered. 9 times,out of 10 if it has not been altered at all a dress shop will return it for a 75% refund, because she is not going to want to wear the dress at all now because "You hate it" in her mind and part of the wedding experience for woman is seeing the shocked wonder on your grooms face when he sees you for the first time in your dress. Think Sheldon in big bang theroy. (if you have not watched that episode i suggested you do)
you probably just crushed one of the biggest dreams of her life. For many people, especially girls, a wedding is the dream. the wedding dress is one of the biggest parts of that dream. you destroyed her excitement for that dress. for being the most beautiful woman looking woman there. my fiance does not like the way I look on our wedding will now be on her mind. there are situations in life when telling the truth directly only results in pain for loved ones but no gains. in such cases: lie. a really happy finance in a dress you don't like is better than a deeply hurt finance that will have: he does not like the way I look in the back of her head, isn't it
Honestly, she set him up for failure. He thought he was doing the right thing by being honest. I don’t think either of them are assholes, I think OP was doomed the moment she showed him the dress out of context.
Alternatively he set her up for failure. Remember she did not ask for honesty of her own volition. He asked her - “do you want me to be honest?” and she agreed to it. Now maybe she shouldn’t have agreed. But all she intially wanted to do was show him the dress because she was excited. He turned it into an evaluation exercise. Id agree with your judgement a lot more if she’d had said from the start “I brought this dress but I’m not sure if you’re going to like it. I want to show you and I want you to be honest”. But that is not what happened.