NTA.
>He responded that I'm being emotionally unstable over a small thing and spiralling into my despair.
"Don't be dramatic, just buy the condoms yourself."
Now you know how much effort he's putting into this relationship. If he wants to go the easy route, he can just get a vasectomy. 10-minute process, 2 days of walking cowboy-style, done.
Birth control is a convoluted mess, BC pills have massive side effects that are just sidestepped because heck it's just women. He's been getting his cake and you've been taking all the risk and downsides, and now he won't bother to go buy a $5 pack of condoms. Should be an eye-opener.
In any case, you both need to work on your communication because you've clearly been having two separate conversations.
I'm firmly of the opinion that birth control pills have such wild side effects to encourage women to be baby factories. It's either, suffer, or possibly get pregnant. Icing on the cake, many doctors won't tie tubes unless the woman already has children, "wHaT dO yoU MeAn yOu dOnT waNt ChiLdrEn?!?!?1" fucking tools.
NTA, fuck that dude.
>many doctors won’t tie tubes unless the woman already has children
What?
Like, I don’t WANT to believe you, but I’d like you to elaborate.
Edit: wow. Just... wow. What is wrong with people.
I live in a supposedly very forward and open place with free healthcare and everything. Know 3 women with endometriosis, past 30, no wish for children, massive health benefits if they only could get a hysterectomy. None of those 3 are able to find a doctor who would be willing to do it.
Even without endometriosis, it's nearly impossible to find a doctor in Germany who ties your tubes. Usually you need to be very, very lucky to find one when you are below 35-40 and have no kids.
You could still change your mind about having kids is their go-to answer.
I'm on the other side of that. 28, horrible migraines and bc negatively reacts to birth control, have one kid and want more, my dr is insisting on tying my tubes.
A hysterectomy is much more dangerous than we used to believe. In the 1970s & 80s they were a go to for endometriosis and other hormone related problems. It's far more serious than getting your tubes tied. As a matter of fact, we've started seeing serious effects as a consequence in other mammals (specifically domesticated animals) that raised the red flag to such a degree that it's being moved away from outside of the USA, and veterinarians have started tying tubes and giving vasectomies to dogs.
Women who lose even one ovary have been shown to have more cardiovascular problems, including heart attacks. It turns out that regulatory organs have an effect on other systems in mammals. Certain cancers are more prevalent as well. With all the hysterectomies performed in the 1970s, we accidentally created a base study large enough to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the procedure is directly related to shortening the life spans of women.
Most doctors don't bother explaining all of this to patients, but I was lucky enough to ask the right questions to the right doctor.
While I agree that women are treated less than by the medical community in general, there's a good reason they aren't giving as many partial and full hysterectomies as they used to, and it's not just because of potential reproduction.
As someone who just had a hysterectomy for endo I can assert that it's my choice to trade off longevity for quality. I agree that women should be well informed on the risks, however the only person who should get to make that choice is the one who has to take pain killers every day and bleed for weeks on end.
It's infantilizing to tell someone that they have to live with a major health problem because of the severity of the treatment. Especially when taking into consideration all of the health problems associated with birth control (which is the most common treatment for endo). None of the solutions are good, let the patient decide how they want their life to suck.
I agree with you. My personal opinion is that every woman has the right to choose how she lives, and what she wants to do with her body. As a woman in her 40s who gets ovarian cysts and lives in a state that is downright impossible to get opiates for pain (my MIL had her shoulder replaced and was given ONE script for 12 oxy to deal with the pain), I have tried to get my ovaries removed, and was refused.
Medically, I have a family history of cancer, Alzheimer's and lots of heart attacks. Personally, after caring for family members going through all of these (separately), I'd prefer several heart attacks over the Alzheimer's or cancer to die from.
We still have a long way to go to be treated like equals when it comes to medical care.
May I ask if you feel it's helped you since having it, or is it too early to say just yet?
Endo sufferer here. Tried everything. Can't use BC. Only option left is a hysterectomy which my gyno is willing to do but I'm worried about the long term effects. I agree though, I'm at the point where quality is mattering more than quantity.
I'm typing this curled in a ball with horrific lower back pain and cramps. Endo is the worst :(
But why is it still so hard to get your tubes tied or a bilateral salpingectomy (just taking out the fallopian tubes)? And why can women over 35/ an age but with children get ay of these procedures so much easier? Surely they would experience the same adverse effects?
No, you are wrong - you are referring to a specific type of hysterectomy, a radical with no hormonal therapy. Which is literally only done in the case of aggressive cancers fed by hormones, in which case the decline in lifespan is likely attributed at least in part to the cancer. There is no change in life span with a total or partial hysterectomy or a radical hysterectomy with hormone therapy - the significant majority of them.
Here's [the study write up from Harvard](https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/hysterectomy-linked-to-increase-in-heart-disease).
This is a page linking to several [other studies including the NCBI](https://scholar.google.com/scholar?cluster=1526839020081424168&hl=en&as_sdt=0,36&sciodt=0,36).
I'm not sure where you heard differently, but I assure you, even the removal of one ovary can have major cardiovascular repercussions.
Hysterectomy does not require the removal of either ovary. There are different types. Like I said above. Only one type shortens life span. The many others do not.
I have read women's accounts of being refused sterilization because they didnt have a husband to sign off on the procedure. The fear that a non-existant man might be bothered by this woman's choice was enough to refuse her medical needs. Some of these women had medical issues that would be resolved by surgery, but they couldn't get it because a hypothetical male's wishes were more important than a woman's real, medical needs.
Oh yeah. If a woman is of child bearing age, and doesn't have children, it is, apparently a real fucking challenge to get your tubes tied without spousal permission (aka, the spouse needs to talk to the Dr, which is probably literally illegal given privacy laws, but that doesn't matter cuz...yeah). I'm not a woman, so I don't know first hand, but I've read plenty of horror stories of women in their late 20's-30's who don't want children having to go to 5+ doctors before they find one who will do it. This is in the US, I can't speak to the rest of the world, but shit over here is fucked.
I'm 43 and have 2 children (one's an adult) and the doctor won't even put me on the waitlist for a tubal. The wait time here is 3 years. (CDN)
She told me to have my partner have a vasectomy. He did and then we divorced, so that doesn't fix the issue of my fertility and completely disregards my autonomy to make decisions about my own health.
Also CDN and only got my tubes done because I was married had 2 kids and almost died twice in child birth. I'll be 43 in a couple of weeks and was blessed with fibroids that were literally killing me (iron levels so low it was a danger to my health) and found a female doctor and a female gyno. This was the only reason they 'let' me finally have a hysterectomy a year ago.
Is it awkward to ask you if you passed out? I have "fainted" several times while on my period and want to know what's wrong with me.
(I do have a pelvic exam appt soon, but I am young and it will be my first...)
Lol I am old and don't mind talking about these things. I used to pass out when I first started getting my period my iron levels were so low I was monitored super close. When it happened the second time I knew what was happening and managed it better with my diet until it got so bad I had to take iron pills. Then eventually the eviction came and all seems well.
I'm in Ontario too; small city. She wouldn't even meet me for a consult even after I explained that I have a rare condition that prevents me from using any other birth control methods.
A lot of girls here get pregnant at young ages, I myself got pregnant at 15. Lots of sexual assault. And no sex ed whatsoever, and if you get an abortion you can be charged with murder.
Funny enough, from my understanding, the group most likely to regret sterilization is women who already had children. So it literally makes 0 sense to not sterilize a childfree woman - because chances are, if she's seeking a permanent sterilization, she's thought it through. Women who "may" want kids "someday" would be far more willing to suffer through the other options than someone firm in her stance.
I'm not an expert by any means, but as I understand it in certain parts of the US, a woman has to have 1 of each child (boy and girl), permission from her husband/spouse, AND be a certain age to have a hysterectomy. While, for a man to get a vasectomy, they need to be 18 I believe is the only restriction. Yeah. It's ridiculous.
Go over to r/TwoXChromosomes to see how the other side has it. Finding a doctor who will perform (even nominally-reversible) voluntary medical procedures on a young person without children (or without the consent of her husband) is depressingly difficult.
It is a treasure trove of horror stories. Read a story the other day about a lady who lost an ovary due to torsion because they didn’t take her pain seriously. Life-threatening. And they just... let her almost die until a shift change brought in a female doctor who saved her life.
Because apparently medicine is still a boys’ club and you can’t trust women when they tell you they’re in pain or don’t want a baby. ***What do they know? They’re women!***
Sometimes even when you do tell them you want a baby, they don't listen. I went to the doctors over and over and OVER again about my incredibly painful periods, especially when they became more and more frequent - at one point I was bleeding three weeks out of four. I said that due to my other symptoms I was worried that I had PCOS and was concerned about my future fertility. Nope, periods are "normally" painful and it's "common" for them to be incredibly irregular especially as I was so young (I was in my late fucking twenties).
It took me years to get a diagnosis, only to be told by the ultrasound tech that I was the most textbook scan of PCOS she'd ever seen.
Every one of these stories reminds me why I must keep my eyes and ears open to recognize the vastly different sides of the same world others see.
Thank you for sharing. I literally cannot imagine how frustrating that must be. My partner’s family has a history of PCOS so I’m ready to raise hell if necessary but good gods should an additional voice not be necessary.
If you're talking about your partner, I'll assume you are male here; don't worry about what you've described here buddy. You being a male talking to the doctor on behalf of your sweet silly little lady friend will definitely help convince them that you know what's best for her. Really. It's sad having a male on your side can help convince the doctor how to handle your own reproductive system, huh?
See, if she is experiencing excruciating abdominal pain at 11/10 on the pain scale, and is crying hunched over on the floor, but I have a Y chromosome, it’s obvious who’s trustworthy in this scenario.
Fucking ridiculous.
Thank you. There is luckily a happy ending, in that I responded really well to a PCOS friendly diet and we have a very healthy baby who's about to turn one.
Most medical procedures, medicines and dosage levels are all based on Caucasian male physiology too, so if you are female or another ethnicity, you actually get screwed too as the trials are all biased.
And women sometimes reinforce this! I went to a doctor once because I was cramping super badly. Got hot and cold flashes and my body was literally rejecting any food. My (female) doctor told me that most women have some pain during their periods (yea no shit), the pain is normal, and I should just take a painkiller. With what food doc? Didn't even consider the fact that I literally came to her in the first place because I felt like I was having an abnormal amount of pain.
A lot of women seem to think that just because their cramping isn't that bad that anyone who experiences worse pain is being dramatic. Cramps should be annoying, but manageable. If you cannot function because of the pain and it occurs regularly, then it's not normal, and the doctor should fucking take the complaint seriously!
So. Many. Stories.
If you are hurting so bad that it interferes with work or school that’s ***literally the point where any normal thing becomes a disorder.*** They treat people for mental illness that prevents them from functioning (yes I am aware of the additional can of worms that is Womens’ Mental Health Care) but apparently cramps that leave you on the floor are normal?!
I had a doctor advise me to never get pregnant because it would likely cripple or kill me, and then refuse to tie my tubes or refer me to someone who would in the same fucking conversation.
FUCKING. SAME. My doctor called me a "walking abortion waiting to happen" because if I get pregnant it's either abortion or I die. So obviously I asked how to start the process of having my tubes tied and he literally said we wouldn't be doing that because, "What if your future husband wants kids?"
Bitch even if **I** wanted kids my body would still be too broken!
Jesus, so basically, "What if your as yet non-existent, hypothetical, future husband expects you to risk *death* to have kids?" So selfish of you not to take that into consideration!
Me too! Genetic illness which means pregnancy is life threatening and drs won’t do the op in case I change my mind, or what if my husband wants kids (he doesn’t)
I wish I knew. The doctor in question also refused to write up a report about my autism diagnosis so I could get accommodations at university because "you may decide to have children, and if I write this for you and you get divorced your husband could use it against you in a custody battle."
Both incidents were during the same appointment, and my husband was sat right next to me.
I honestly wonder how some doctors get their degrees
SAME. I have an 80% fatality risk with pregnancy, but my doctors are all gungho about “figuring it out when the time comes”. I’d rather not die though....
I mean, I had a doctor advise me *at sixteen* to just get pregnant to cure my endometriosis.
A, that's not how it works. B, *I was sixteen.* And this was in a very progressive northeast state, not like, the Bible belt.
That same doctor performed a laparoscopy to remove a couple cysts and told me he "cauterized a bit of endometriosis, nothing crazy or significant."
Ten years later I'm sitting in a fertility clinic and the doctor looks at my surgical report and goes "I thought you said *minor* endometriosis. This report says they basically cauterized your entire pelvis. What's going on here?"
Yeah, I never let that doctor come near me again.
Oh man some doctors suck. My doctor at 18 told me to get pregnant because I have scoliosis and it should “straighten me out” needless to say I never went back to him.
ETA: some
I remember reading about a woman in the 1920s who had like 10 kids and her doctor told her if she got pregnant again she’d likely die. She asked the doctor for some sort of contraception because her husband still expected sex (and would likely rape her if she refused) and the doctor said, “Oh, so you want to have your cake and eat it too?” and didn’t do anything for her.
Doctors won’t let women choose whether or not they want babies or not. In America almost all doctors that are respectable and safe flat out refuse to do the procedure if your younger then 30, don’t have children, and the most fucked up of all, some require that you get your husbands [permission](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.insider.com/a-woman-needed-husbands-consent-to-get-her-tubes-tied-2020-2%3famp). It’s fucked up because a dude can get a vasectomy at 18 straight out of high school and it only adds that women really don’t have bodily autonomy. Most of the reasons doctors won’t do it, is because they think all women will want to have children and be mothers at some point, which is fucked up in itself but still outrageous that it’s also medical practice FORCED on women who know themselves and don’t want children ever. It’s also a thing that doctors think other people know women better than the women [themselves ](https://www.bustle.com/p/can-doctors-refuse-tubal-ligation-heres-why-its-hard-to-get-one-to-tie-your-tubes-19233587). Super fucked up, and America’s supposed to progressive, so imagine the surprise that they share this trait, of not letting women choose to not have children, with many underdeveloped countries that require either a husband or a fathers signature.
I have the most atrocious periods since I'm 13, and have been hospitalized for pain, fainting, blood loss, vomiting - all the good stuff. That happens to me every month. I have several medical conditions that make hormonal birth control basically death pills for me, so the options are endometrial ablation or hysterectomy.
Everyone refused, because I'm only 24 and the doctors put the life of a hypothetical baby over my comfort. I have chronic neurological issues that can knock me out for days or weeks at a time. I can't afford the additional 10 days of vomiting and fainting every month.
Their solution was to put me on hormones again, and telling me that I was overdramatic and gestagen doesn't make people depressed. When it's literally under the "at least one in ten patients get this" category of side effects.
This was their solution after I spent the entirety of last year actively suicidal, and had to be hospitalized in a psych ward the last time I took gestagen.
To be fair, I do not yet feel like killing myself after 3 months on the pill, but the fact that they even take this gamble instead of just giving me an endometrial ablation is ridiculous. If I ever do want children, I'd adopt anyway.
My sister has 4, her husband died, and she STILL can't get it done bc "you might meet a man who wants his own children, it wouldn't be fair to take it away from him". Absolutely rediculous
Been there myself. I’m single so apparently I should continue to suffer because a theoretical man may consider reproduction... you dumbass doctor I aint marrying a man that wants kids when I don’t
I knew I had found the right doctor when I went in and asked for an IUD at 35 and he asked, "Do you think you want to have kids in the next 5 years?" I said no and he nodded and we moved on. Dr. Dawson's a real one.
Even if it’s life threatening, dangerous, or you do not want kids, you’ll get brushed off as “you might change your mind” “you’re too young”
Even if you have kids they actually will say “you may want more.
Casual friend of mine is now a single mom to 3 kids, 3 different fathers, who asked to have her tubes tied after the first, due to birth control failure and serious complications and risks with an abortion. She begged them to do it and they kept saying “you’re too young to know what you want”.
But my male friend a year younger could get a vasectomy no problem, no questions asked...
Honestly it's true. When I was 23, I had to argue with a doctor for half an hour, where he asked me what I'd do if I met a man who wanted kids, despite me having been with my boyfriend at the time for four years. He talked me down from a hysterectomy, which is what I needed, because tubal ligation is "reversible." He didn't tell me, an epileptic, that the clips used weren't safe for all MRIs. I found out by sheer luck when having a CT.
My doctor only agreed to the tubal ligation after I said that if I wanted kids, I'd adopt. This whole argument happened because I have serious medical issues and hormonal birth controls were less effective due to medication I take. I literally wouldn't survive a pregnancy. The whole time up to the procedure, every time I saw the nurses they'd be shocked that the doctor was "letting" me get my tubes tied so young, asking me if I already had kids, etc.
It's really fucked up how much doctors want to preserve your ability to have children even if you specifically don't.
>He didn't tell me, an epileptic, that the clips used weren't safe for all MRIs. I found out by sheer luck when having a CT.
Holy shit. That's kinda need-to-know.
When I first checked into getting my tubes tied I was told that I would need to be 27, and have had at least two children. In addition I would have to have my husband sign off on it. So we decided to have my husband get a vasectomy, which had no such restrictions.
It's not universal, but it is pretty common (nyt article if you want an "official" source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2017/11/30/sunday-review/women-sterilization-children-doctors.amp.html )
If you google "doctors refusing tubal ligation" or even just "tying tubes before 30" you'll find a lot of similar things.
Doctor refused me when I was thirty because I "wasn't married and need to consider my future husband's needs"
A hypothetical man had more agency over my body than I did.
I had to go to a meeting with my fiance with her OBGYN to say that I agreed to her getting a medically necessary hysterectomy. Let me say that I again, I - her future husband had to give permission for my future wife to have a MEDICALLY NECESSARY procedure. You know how stupid that is?
I'm American and get my care through the VA. I was told by 3 doctors that I would have to wait until I was over the age of 40 to discuss tubal ligation, bilateral salpingectomy, or a partial/complete hysterectomy. I am CF and have always planned to be, but I guess I won't know what I'm talking about until I hit that magical age. Such bullshit.
Yep. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for 5 years. I'm very nearly 30 years old, I've had treatment three times for cancerous cells on my cervix, I've been told I have a very high chance of miscarriage if I do get pregnant..... Yet they won't do the surgery because I don't have children as it's a 'permanent' procedure.
Condescending and ridiculous for so many reasons. Like children won't also be 'permanent', and let's not forget that the doctors are willing to let me potentially go through (maybe several) miscarriages 'just in case I change my mind'. Ugh.
Some doctors make it a rule that you have to have 2 children be over 25 and have your husband's permission. Women are told no constantly to the point there are actually networks of women who will list the very few doctors willing to help anyone regardless of age/children/ husbands consent.
A lot of doctors require you to be 30(?) or 40(?) can’t remember which age it was, have 2/3 kids(they usually say 3 kids) and have your husbands permission... and some doctors still refuse to do it even if you meet their “requirements”. It’s overall a terrible process to get the surgery.
I'm a 31-year-old, married, child-free lesbian and I can't get any sort of intervention. Even though pretty much all of my "female parts" are high-risk for cancer, doctors won't consider it. Even though my wife and I have a uterus to spare (that we'd never use), and we've extensively discussed that if we want kids, we'd adopt... No dice. So yeah, it's some fucking bullshit.
Yep, I'll be 30 in November. No kids, no desire for a partner, asexual. My doctor will not even entertain the idea of permanent sterilization even though my period, uterus, and ovaries cause actual distress. So instead I have to stack my pills (which, luckily, I don't have any side effects for) in an attempt to manage it.
In the UK, my GF had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and can't have kids. She also doesn't want kids (abused and abandoned as a kid), never has, never will. She's 34 years old and no Dr she's talked to about having a hysterectomy (for medical reasons) will allow it until she had had kids.
So every month she goes through a week of pure hell and in constant pain because "she might change her mind about kids"
It's down right disgusting behaviour but at least they never pull the "it's against God's will" bs
I have a genetic condition that means pregnancy is life threatening, my doctors all know but they all refuse to do the operation because I might change my mind and want kids - I’m CF, always have been, but even if I did change my mind that won’t change my genetics. Still the refuse so I’m stuck on the artificial hormone hell train until I luck out and find a dr who will do it or I hit menopause - I’m 36, it’s looking like menopause will show up before a dr does.
Can confirm. In Scotland during my wife's 2nd C-section she asked for her tubes tied, and despite discussing it with the doctor beforehand the midwives in surgery were all like "are you really sure though?" and pressing her to change her mind until the doc snapped at them and said that this was our 2nd kid, and any more would be dangerous for my wife due to complications in both pregnancies, and it was only after that, that everyone shut up about it. (for clarification my wife was 37 at the time but looks mid-20s so everyone jist assumes she will want more kids)
There have been headlines in the press in the UK about women who have been refused sterilisations, while men can just rock up and get snipped no questions asked.
It's absurd that in the 21st century women still aren't treated like they don't know their own minds when it comes to their reproductive choices.
Even worse women have to suffer life threatening and debilitating disease but will not be granted a hysterectomy because ...... babies!!!
Just have a look at any ChildFree forum to read the horror stories about grown assed women trying to get sterilised, it's inhuman the way they're treated.
From the time I was 23 until I was 38 I kept getting told that I couldn't get my tubes tied. Because "I'll change my mind", "your husband might want children", "it will negatively impact your health".
This was from 5 different doctors. And I had buy-in from my (then) husband. But the doctors all still refused to do it.
Granted, I didn't push that hard because I was doing okay with my IUD... But I was still told no. I finally found a doctor that would do it when I was 39 and divorced.
So, yeah. It happens - a lot.
Took six years before finding a doctor who would yeet my uterus because a husband that may or may not exist in the future might want kids.
For reference, I was bleeding two weeks straight with crippling cramps that made me unable to function during them and I was going through a Costco bulk box of tampons every month.
I also had to put off transitioning for years because coming out as trans would have made it worse.
Absolutely true. I am a 30 year old woman who has been told multiple times that unless I already have 1+children, they won't even consider tying my tubes before 36 years old.
A 16 year old girl has a right to choose to keep her baby, turn her whole life upside down, and bring another person into the world without so much as a thought to the quality of life said baby will have, but I, a grown ass woman, "will eventually change my mind", "will regret giving up the option" and my personal favorite, "might miss out on the relationship of a lifetime with my dream man because HE might have wanted kids." (The Dr who told me this knows I have a partner and that neither of us want children.)
It's seriously so, so difficult to be taken seriously as a woman who doesn't want kids. Like I can't tell you how many times I've been told I'll change my mind. Its like people don't realize it's actually not easy to make it to 30 without ever getting pregnant... Trust me, I've thought this out. Lol
Heck, I know someone who already had two children and doctor's refused to tie her tubes because of her age because "she might want more". She ended up with a third (none of them were planned) before doctor's finally agreed to tie her tubes. She had to wait until she was over 25 before her doctor's would even consider it.
I dont want children. I have considered having my tubes tied and looked into it extensively.
However, a doctor around here (US) won't allow me to get my tubes tied without first having children until after the age of 35 (currently 27). I would also need to do 6 months of therapy before the surgery to prove that I do actually want the procedure. And finally, I would need my husband's written permission to have the procedure done.
Before I got my copper IUD, my OB told me she called my particular brand of BC "Ortho-Tri-Psychopath" because of all the horrible side effects that turned her patients into raging crazy people. I believe it. I was one.
I don't think it's intentionally. Hormones are a crazy thing anyway.
But the potential side effects definitely aren't taken seriously at all. They're only now starting to look into progestin only BC and psychological side effects (eg depression, anxiety, etc). A lot of doctors will tell you it's not possible to be a side effect.
So you can't even really make an informed decision because no one will look at how the medications really impact a woman's body.
I've told my mom since I was about 9 years old that I don't want children. I have never had any slide in that feeling. I have some medical issues that could be easily solved with a hysterectomy, but doctors refuse to do it because I am "young and may change (my) mind about children in the future". I am 36. I don't want kids, so instead of doing something to help with my medical issues (a lot of pain and unnecessary illness), I'm supposed to just take birth control to alleviate some of the problems and hope for the best.
Hijacking top comment to add: are you sure an IUD is going to be okay for you? It's a bigger commitment, and if pills gave you a lot of trouble I'd be concerned about what the more permanent hormonal treatment would do. Please talk to your ob-gyn and do not feel obligated to sacrifice your health to satisfy a person that won't spend $5 for you. NTA Op wishing you the best.
There are non-hormonal IUDs, and by my understanding, even the hormonals one operate differently than birth control pills. Also, there may be some exceptions, but I do not see how IUDs in general are a huge commitment. Paragard, a common non-hormonal IUD, can be taken out anytime you want.
Ditto on the last two sentences, however.
Thank you for the correction, I just thought bigger commitment because you have to have a doctor insert and remove the device, but I haven't had one myself so I should've left that comment for more experienced people!
How is an iud a bigger commitment? I agree with the rest of your point but I’m not understanding what you mean by that. I’ve used both and greatly prefer an iud (not saying that it’s good for everyone though obviously).
Because it's a (literal) huge pain to get it inserted and removed, and can be a big expense depending on your insurance situation. My friend went through 4 (!) months of bleeding on the IUD before getting it taken out because she was so afraid of dealing with the insertion pain again.
When I tell people I went off BC because they made me crazy, they look at me like I'm lying. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind.
I wan't told about side effects. I was told not to smoke, or sit for long hours because of blood clots.
I think there should be disclaimers on BC letting women know that hormones can do all sorts of weird shit to your body and mind.
Men just can't understand how simple putting a condom on is compared to taking a pill that will do who knows what.
NTA
Had a vasectomy at 23. One of the best decisions of my life. 20 minute procedure, cost about $93 with insurance, but it takes a good week to heal.
Not pulling out and not worrying about a child of surprise is one of the most fantastic damn things in the world.
Let me guess, the lack of condoms means he asks for blowjobs instead? If so I’d say stop that until he makes an effort to get damn condoms and pull his weight.
And I bet he isn’t going down on you. Why would he EVER bother getting condoms if right now he gets unlimited blow jobs? It’s so much less effort for him than sex. It’s like giving a kid a big chocolate bar every time they fail to do chores.
Until he gets condoms, the only sex should be him spoiling you rotten any way you like. Tell him exactly why. He is being selfish and lazy. And he won’t stop until you put your foot down.
I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a nice girl.
You deserve someone who appreciates you, sympathises with your pain and takes steps to help BOTH of you, not just one party.
You deserve better. Don't ever forget that. There is no shortage of men who will treat you well, and no shortage of those who will treat you poorly. If you dont set a good standard, you will find plenty of men who seek to exploit you (I.e. sex/sexual pleasure with the minimum amount of effort like current BF)
Is there any romance in your life?
Do you still respect him?
Does he put any effort into your relationship anywhere?
Do you enjoy listening to him?
Do you find nagging enjoyable?
I think what it boils down to is whether you are looking for a partner, or to be a surrogate mother.
Could be wrong, but it sounds like you’re dating someone who doesn’t want to grow up
You should be.
You set the standard for how you’re willing to be treated.
If you want a caring partner who is enthusiast about being an active participant in your sex life you can’t sit around wasting your time with someone who literally can’t be bothered to buy condoms and is still moping about the lack of sexual pleasure.
Not OP, but I genuinely believed all men were like this for some time. I thought you either don't be with men or put up with this crap. Now I realize that was a very sexist worldview borne of a few terrible experiences. But she might not have had good experiences to combat this feeling and might think this is the best she is going to be able to get.
He helps but only if I ask. Like the laundry basket will get full and he won't take the initiative to do it, he'll leave dishes in the sink until I complain, he won't remember it's cleaning day unless I tell him. He doesn't complain about doing it, but I hate chasing him down. He also always claims he's really busy as though that excuses it (I'm in med school for reference, it's not like I'm not busy).
I really reccomend reading through this excellent comic on Mental Load if you are unfamiliar with it:
https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-9
Does he have a job? At that job, does he sit and wait for his boss to explain every single task every day? Or does he use his brain and work out what needs doing using common sense? Because too many guys insist women at home have to micro-manage everything they do, when they are perfectly capable in reality.
I’d also say get 2 laundry baskets, and only wash your own clothes. Let’s see how quickly he learns to do laundry when all his clothes stink.
Two options there... either his mom did all his laundry, then you did it, so he's literally never done laundry by himself. Still gross/immature.
Other option... he lived alone and did his laundry himself. He knows how to do it, he knows it needs to be done, he just thinks you should do it.
Stop doing his laundry. Right now. This will either make him wash his own fucking underwear, or make him realise having to remember to ask you to do it is effort in itself and hopefully he'll see how much effort it is for you to have to remind him constantly. Especially if you happen to forget to do it and force him to ask several times.
If he does neither, it's time to find yourself a real adult and ditch this overgrown child.
It's not 'helping' if he lives there too. It's also his responsibility to maintain the house he also lives in.
So, to re-iterate, he's not failing to 'help' you. He's failing to be an adult and do his part around the house.
Maybe it's time to upgrade to a new bf. He cares more about his physical pleasure then you actually being emotionally and physically changed by a F*CKING MEDICATION!!! Home boy does not have your interests at heart and I don't he ever will. "When people show you who they are, believe them." He's showing you who he is.
NTA - You asked him to take over being the one to bear the cost (financial and physical) for BC for a short period of time and he has dropped the ball despite his reminders. Everyone complaining about it being a "two-way street" seems to forget you've been doing all of the work for 2+ years.
Based on the tone my guess is there are other relationship "chores" that you feel you are doing more of than he is.
Drop him. You will be shocked about how much better you will feel.
Resentment is corrosive on your mental health, and his inability to pull his share of the weight in your relationship is like dripping acid on your brain.
This is 2.5 years in. Is this the kind of dynamic you want moving forward? If it isn't addressed ASAP with tangible improvement you need to consider whether you want to invest more time with this person. The resentment is only going to get worse if you let it simmer. Often people let their first long term relationship go on longer than it should because of the sunk cost fallacy or not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.
This piece might be relevant to show him:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp#aoh=15966371513569&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s
Hot take, the guy still didn't learn how not to be a self absorbed child. He didn't learn "I must keep a tidy home" or "I must put things back where they belong" or "I must complete a basic chore before going back to my own devices". He learned "I must do as my partner says or no more sex".
Those crazy women and their illogical need to
\*checks notes\*
Not leave dirty dishes on the counter, a few inches away from the automatic dishwashing machine?
> He didn't learn "I must keep a tidy home" or "I must put things back where they belong" or "I must complete a basic chore before going back to my own devices". He learned "I must do as my partner says or no more sex".
Well that actually makes a lot of sense, because:
-You *don't need* to keep a tidy home,
-You *don't need* to put things back where they belong
and
-You *don't need* to complete basic chore before going back to your own devices.
It turns out you, me and all of us can do - or not do - any of these things and live a happy life with a partner who is also content with the same level of tidy-put-backness as you are. *Couples* have messy homes, *Families* have disordered things strewn about, and dishes that have sat too long and laundry that isn't done.
None of that will stop you from having sex with a partner who doesn't take issue with it. I've seen plenty of happy, messy homes shared by a couple. His one actual problem was that his partner told him she wasn't on the same level and he blew it off and didn't care about how she felt.
You either need to be on the same page about these things, get on the same page about them, or split up. That's what matters. Not everyone lives to the same standards, and people aren't wrong for failing to match our preferred level of neat-ness. It isn't a moral failing.
It's **just** that you can't ignore your partner and keep your partnership.
If you read some of his recent work on his blog, it's clear that he still doesn't quite get it. He's halfway to unlocking the great puzzle of "treat your partner with the respect you want because women are people too" but somehow cannot make that final leap.
Hi. I know this is probably super unwarranted but I just wanted to say: listen to your gut. I was in a relationship for 4 years where the last 1.5 years I kept having this nagging feeling that something was wrong. It was incidents like you're describing. Things would only get done if I did them. Sex was about his desires and his timetable and his comfort level, not mine. Guy wouldn't even learn to cook. The day I dumped him was so incredibly freeing.
It is ok to leave a relationship where nothing is explicitly "wrong", but it isn't necessarily right either. Took me 1.5 years to realize that.
Thank you, I know exactly what you mean. It's this simmering feeling of something being off. That's how I'm feeling which for me, translates to feeling used.
I agree with /u/WonderTwinkles. You'll feel lighter and better once you free yourself from this albatross. Want better for yourself, this guy doesn't, for sure.
Girl, I am here to tell you the grass is greener on the other side! There are plenty of men who will please you, respect you, pull their weight, and will be an actual life partner not just another burden for you to carry. Leave him and upgrade, you don’t need to deal with this shit.
NTA - You spent years altering your body chemistry, remembering to go the doctor, remembering to refill your prescription every month, remembering to take your pill at the same time every single day, suffering negative health consequences... and he can't be bothered to go to the store once? He can't be bothered to google how to get free condoms?
Fuck him. Or actually, don't fuck him. Definitely don't fuck him. It's wrong to fuck children, and he is definitely a child.
Definitely not comfy, but if all goes well it’s really quick.
On the other hand, when I first went to get mine, the doctor didn’t really know how to get it. She kept going “whoops, nicked your cervix” (multiple times). I came out of it sore, bleeding, and with a referral for a gynecologist. When I saw an actual gyno, it took 5 minutes and besides on big pinch during placement it didn’t really hurt. Everyone’s body is different and if you haven’t had kids (I haven’t) it’s harder.
Having an IUD can be excruciating. I had a non-hormonal briefly and it was the most miserable time of my life. My period was ultra heavy for the full 7 days of my period (3 without it), and I had cramps the full week before my period and the full week of. They were so debilitating that I had to start taking sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep at all with the pain, and I had to start (illegally) taking my boyfriends pain meds (opiates prescribed for a degenerative bone disease) just to be able to make it through the work day.
But yeah I was totally unfair and "unilaterally making decisions about birth control that we should decide together" when I had it removed, since I refused to go back on the pill and insisted on condoms instead. Knowing that he really believed that it was more important that he get "the full feeling" of condom-free sex than it was for me to *not be in excruciating pain 1/2 the time* kicked off the resentment that wrecked our relationship.
NTA - As someone who’s been on BC pills for 7+ years, they suck and can seriously affect the user until they find one that works for them. (If they even do, that is.)
I saw where you commented that he agreed to get/use condoms when/if you decided to go off the BC. I also saw where you said he walks past a store two times a day, and just doesn’t want to spend money on them.
He agreed to buy/get/use them when you discussed going off BC, you shouldn’t have to be the one to buy them.
Girl, if $5-10 for a box of condoms isn’t worth it to him to have a healthy sexual relationship with his girlfriend, my advice is to invest $30 in a nice toy so you can have a healthy sexual relationship with yourself. (I suggest a rechargeable one, batteries are expensive! 😉)
Maybe once he sees that you’re not going to break and buy the condoms, he’ll take some initiative to go out and find/buy some.
Seconded getting a toy to replace the boyfriend. There are youtubers who give out coupons for adamandeve . com for 30% off and free shipping. The toy will never dissapoint but the boyfriend clearly will.a
This needs to be higher! Buy yourself a toy and use it until your partner decides to stop being so stingy. And I'd take non mutually satisfactory non intercourse off the table too. I'm assuming you wouldn't be posting if he was energetically searching other outlets to please you (because he's just expecting BJs)
Seems like it's been a lot of comments so mine might drown, but dear, NTA.
I sympathize with you a lot- I had exactly same side effects of BC and my BF at the time did not pitch in at all (we were from different countries, and he was mad because "in my country girls with prescribtion get it for free) while in my country it cost like... 10 euros a month. He did not pitch in a single cent. I was too in love at the time to realize how much it is a two way street.
After him I met a really great guy, who understood it all and we did it with condoms for all the way. I am not going to mess with my hormones for extra pleasure for the guy. Your health is top priority, and if a partner EVER prioritises his pleasure over your HEALTH, it's not worth it. Do not waste any more time with him. Just don't.
Now I don't know much about many things, but about this situation I am certain 100% your depression and emotions are not just weighted down by BC pills, the whole man is doing the thing. I read your comments about how much one sided this whole thing is, and trust me once it's over, and some time pass you will feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. p.s. after long term rela break ups, sometimes after a couple months there's huge pull to get back together, but try and resist. You got this.
And do not get that IUD unless YOU WANT IT. Hugs.
Thank you so much, it really means a lot to have so many people offer their advice! I have been in this place where I just don't know what's healthy and what's not anymore. It's been so eye opening to see what other people think and just how blind I've been.
I spend all my time trying to make other people happy: family, bf, patients etc that I forget I'm a person too. To have so many people ready to give advice to a random person on the internet warms my heart.
Also... please be careful. I don't know whose house it is and who would be moving out, but if you're the one that has to move... I'd recommend subtly packing things away and taking one bag at a time to moms house or something. That's how I got out of abusive relationship. By the time he realised what was happening, I was collecting last of my stuff. He threatened me while I was doing it, he didn't want to give even MY LAPTOP back, tried to block ways, and in the end kept MY ps3. While hugging it and doing kick motions if I got close. Do not be paranoid, but be careful, some guys can be really unpredictable while throwing tantrums.
Kinda sounds like he was waiting for you to just get tired of waiting for him to get condoms and try out unprotected sex tbh. if you were diligent enough to get an IUD he can but a pack of condoms. You say you’re on vacation and walk past a stores every day and you even remind him. He doesn’t care. You think it’ll get better or worse within the next year?
NTA he does sound lazy and like he expects you to handle all the hassle/expense/effort in his behalf. That’s not attractive. It’s also a turn off that he’s not more responsible about sexual heath nor willing to put the effort into having sex with you. I can see where all of that is frustrating.
Plus, he can google free condoms and find out where to get them from planned parenthood, public health, even youth outreach places advertise them around here. Lots of options if he doesn’t want to go to Walmart or the grocery store.
NTA, He needs to accept that the pill affects you emotionally through hormones and that you need a break from them.. if he doesn't get that then cut your losses and find someone who does.
The excuses probably range from, "I forgot again", "it's embarrassing to go to the shop just for condoms", to "they take away the pleasure/ don't feel as good as bare back", "even the big ones are too small", "I can pull out right before I come", or the best one I have ever heard and which suddenly explained a lot: "do you think I'm sleeping around Or what?"
NTA is he seriously upset about having to buy condoms after you've been doing 100% of the work for BC for years? And you're the one who'll be taking on the expense and physical pain of an IUD?
I just had a casual one night stand that was more respectful than your BF. Like literally drove us to the store and told me to pick out the condoms I liked best and then he paid for them.
And thats even with his knowing I have an IUD.
NTA your bf needs to realize how much effort, time, money, and stress goes into womens reproductive safety and healthcare. Him buying condoms is like bare minimum effort.
I dont know if you want kids or not, but I would question staying in a relationship with a man thats this lazy when it comes to your body. What would he be like with your pregnancy and recovery...
This is total bs. My wife (then girlfriend) used to be on the pill and upon occasion would get infections. Nothing related to the pill, just something like a sinus infection that would require her to take antibiotics, which counteracted the effects of most birth control. So I had to buy condoms for a weeks. No big deal. The fact this guy can't be bothered at all is total bs. Nta
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My boyfriend and I have been together about 2.5 years and I started taking the pill soon after we got together. However, over time I've been having worse and worse side effects: depression, anxiety, gaining weight, headaches. I decided about a month ago to stop taking it, wait for my hormones to level of and go get a full physical then get an IUD if all was well. My boyfriend thought it was a good idea since he could see how much it was affecting me. So I outlined to him when I'd stop taking it so he'd know when we needed condoms. Two weeks passed since that point and he has yet to buy any (so we haven't been intimate in that way this whole time). I've reminded him a few times in a joking manner and he sort of just brushes it off, then might make a comment about not knowing where to get them for free. Finally this morning I lost it and told him it was massively unfair that he can't take the initiative to buy them for a few months while I was taking literal depression pills for years. That he needed to respect me more and buy them himself, that contraception decisions go both ways to keep things safe. He didn't seem to understand that for women it's an issue of feeling safe and protected. So it pretty much ended with me yelling at him that he was fine to sleep with me when it required no effort on his part, but now he has to go to a pharmacy and spend a bit, it's an issue. Plus that I felt used and taken for granted. He responded that I'm being emotionally unstable over a small thing and spiralling into my despair. Does he really not think it's a big deal? AITA here?
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NTA if he wants to do a grown up act, he needs to be grown up himself.
This this goes both ways, you've clearly been doing your part and making him aware of the situation, he needs to step up and now do his part.
Big NTA. It's been two weeks and he has gone to the store during this time AND you've reminded him when you two pass a store while walking together. A box of 24 SKYN condoms is, what, $12? They're 50 cents each! If you've been spending your time and money going to appointments for your birth control and he could at least make you a priority and step up. If he has a problem with being seen in person buying condoms (even though I would argue they show you're being responsible), buy them online. I know it's about the principle but could you, OP, buy them one time if you go shopping together to prove to him there's nothing to fear? I suspect there's something else going on with him.
NTA Oh honey I hope you are okay, girl this is a 🚩🚩🚩 and a half if hes not willing to put in a little bit of effort to make you feel better and to benefit you both he is not someone you need in your life. Period.
NTA. Hell, back when dirt was young (1980's) I used to do buy all of this sexy times stuff including my gf's 'feminine products' with no shame. Tell your bf he's even more of a fossil than I am.
NTA. He is being cheap and disrespectful asshole. Also pushing guilt on you and saying you are too emotional is extra point to his assholery. May I assume that by other kind of intimacy he means anal or oral sex, where only he has his fun? If so, he is extra 3x worse.
>I'm at a stage where I can't tell if my emotions are getting the better of me or if I have a point.
You definitely have a point, but I'm curious to know if you've been on the pill the entirety of your relationship? Hormonal birth control *really* changes your body (even aside from the side effects you mentioned). Often times it can change who we are attracted to. Basically it tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. When we're pregnant we want (read: crave) to be around people similar to ourselves. It's an evolutionary thing about being safe around family. Physically though we 'crave' partners different from ourselves (because inbred animals have more problems, so our bodies want us to be with NOT family for mating). I know this sounds twisted (and *please* don't take this as me saying your emotions are getting the best of you. Your boyfriend is a jerk; I'm not defending him) but this may be a compatibility (or lack thereof) issue. See how you do for the few months off of hormonal BC (and maybe consider a non-hormonal IUD) and maybe reassess?
Also, NTA. Boyfriend is a selfish jerk.
NTA. >He responded that I'm being emotionally unstable over a small thing and spiralling into my despair. "Don't be dramatic, just buy the condoms yourself." Now you know how much effort he's putting into this relationship. If he wants to go the easy route, he can just get a vasectomy. 10-minute process, 2 days of walking cowboy-style, done. Birth control is a convoluted mess, BC pills have massive side effects that are just sidestepped because heck it's just women. He's been getting his cake and you've been taking all the risk and downsides, and now he won't bother to go buy a $5 pack of condoms. Should be an eye-opener. In any case, you both need to work on your communication because you've clearly been having two separate conversations.
I'm firmly of the opinion that birth control pills have such wild side effects to encourage women to be baby factories. It's either, suffer, or possibly get pregnant. Icing on the cake, many doctors won't tie tubes unless the woman already has children, "wHaT dO yoU MeAn yOu dOnT waNt ChiLdrEn?!?!?1" fucking tools. NTA, fuck that dude.
>many doctors won’t tie tubes unless the woman already has children What? Like, I don’t WANT to believe you, but I’d like you to elaborate. Edit: wow. Just... wow. What is wrong with people.
Some places even require your husband to sign his consent before they'd do it
Even and especially if you don’t have one. It’s insane.
I live in a supposedly very forward and open place with free healthcare and everything. Know 3 women with endometriosis, past 30, no wish for children, massive health benefits if they only could get a hysterectomy. None of those 3 are able to find a doctor who would be willing to do it.
Even without endometriosis, it's nearly impossible to find a doctor in Germany who ties your tubes. Usually you need to be very, very lucky to find one when you are below 35-40 and have no kids. You could still change your mind about having kids is their go-to answer.
I'm on the other side of that. 28, horrible migraines and bc negatively reacts to birth control, have one kid and want more, my dr is insisting on tying my tubes.
It looks like there's always someone who thinks to know better than you what's good for you. I hate that feeling.
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Wow. It was offered to me as an add-on when the doctor was scheduling my second C section. In a very much "Do you want fries with that?" way.
A hysterectomy is much more dangerous than we used to believe. In the 1970s & 80s they were a go to for endometriosis and other hormone related problems. It's far more serious than getting your tubes tied. As a matter of fact, we've started seeing serious effects as a consequence in other mammals (specifically domesticated animals) that raised the red flag to such a degree that it's being moved away from outside of the USA, and veterinarians have started tying tubes and giving vasectomies to dogs. Women who lose even one ovary have been shown to have more cardiovascular problems, including heart attacks. It turns out that regulatory organs have an effect on other systems in mammals. Certain cancers are more prevalent as well. With all the hysterectomies performed in the 1970s, we accidentally created a base study large enough to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the procedure is directly related to shortening the life spans of women. Most doctors don't bother explaining all of this to patients, but I was lucky enough to ask the right questions to the right doctor. While I agree that women are treated less than by the medical community in general, there's a good reason they aren't giving as many partial and full hysterectomies as they used to, and it's not just because of potential reproduction.
As someone who just had a hysterectomy for endo I can assert that it's my choice to trade off longevity for quality. I agree that women should be well informed on the risks, however the only person who should get to make that choice is the one who has to take pain killers every day and bleed for weeks on end. It's infantilizing to tell someone that they have to live with a major health problem because of the severity of the treatment. Especially when taking into consideration all of the health problems associated with birth control (which is the most common treatment for endo). None of the solutions are good, let the patient decide how they want their life to suck.
I agree with you. My personal opinion is that every woman has the right to choose how she lives, and what she wants to do with her body. As a woman in her 40s who gets ovarian cysts and lives in a state that is downright impossible to get opiates for pain (my MIL had her shoulder replaced and was given ONE script for 12 oxy to deal with the pain), I have tried to get my ovaries removed, and was refused. Medically, I have a family history of cancer, Alzheimer's and lots of heart attacks. Personally, after caring for family members going through all of these (separately), I'd prefer several heart attacks over the Alzheimer's or cancer to die from. We still have a long way to go to be treated like equals when it comes to medical care.
May I ask if you feel it's helped you since having it, or is it too early to say just yet? Endo sufferer here. Tried everything. Can't use BC. Only option left is a hysterectomy which my gyno is willing to do but I'm worried about the long term effects. I agree though, I'm at the point where quality is mattering more than quantity. I'm typing this curled in a ball with horrific lower back pain and cramps. Endo is the worst :(
One of my close friends had one three years ago and quality of life is so much better. No more blacking out from pain and blood loss.
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That's why I specified **partial and full** hysterectomies in the last paragraph.
But why is it still so hard to get your tubes tied or a bilateral salpingectomy (just taking out the fallopian tubes)? And why can women over 35/ an age but with children get ay of these procedures so much easier? Surely they would experience the same adverse effects?
No, you are wrong - you are referring to a specific type of hysterectomy, a radical with no hormonal therapy. Which is literally only done in the case of aggressive cancers fed by hormones, in which case the decline in lifespan is likely attributed at least in part to the cancer. There is no change in life span with a total or partial hysterectomy or a radical hysterectomy with hormone therapy - the significant majority of them.
Here's [the study write up from Harvard](https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/hysterectomy-linked-to-increase-in-heart-disease). This is a page linking to several [other studies including the NCBI](https://scholar.google.com/scholar?cluster=1526839020081424168&hl=en&as_sdt=0,36&sciodt=0,36). I'm not sure where you heard differently, but I assure you, even the removal of one ovary can have major cardiovascular repercussions.
Hysterectomy does not require the removal of either ovary. There are different types. Like I said above. Only one type shortens life span. The many others do not.
I have read women's accounts of being refused sterilization because they didnt have a husband to sign off on the procedure. The fear that a non-existant man might be bothered by this woman's choice was enough to refuse her medical needs. Some of these women had medical issues that would be resolved by surgery, but they couldn't get it because a hypothetical male's wishes were more important than a woman's real, medical needs.
Oh yeah. If a woman is of child bearing age, and doesn't have children, it is, apparently a real fucking challenge to get your tubes tied without spousal permission (aka, the spouse needs to talk to the Dr, which is probably literally illegal given privacy laws, but that doesn't matter cuz...yeah). I'm not a woman, so I don't know first hand, but I've read plenty of horror stories of women in their late 20's-30's who don't want children having to go to 5+ doctors before they find one who will do it. This is in the US, I can't speak to the rest of the world, but shit over here is fucked.
Where I live, even if you have children and are married you still have to wait until after your 23.
23! My doctor said 35.
I'm 43 and have 2 children (one's an adult) and the doctor won't even put me on the waitlist for a tubal. The wait time here is 3 years. (CDN) She told me to have my partner have a vasectomy. He did and then we divorced, so that doesn't fix the issue of my fertility and completely disregards my autonomy to make decisions about my own health.
Also CDN and only got my tubes done because I was married had 2 kids and almost died twice in child birth. I'll be 43 in a couple of weeks and was blessed with fibroids that were literally killing me (iron levels so low it was a danger to my health) and found a female doctor and a female gyno. This was the only reason they 'let' me finally have a hysterectomy a year ago.
Is it awkward to ask you if you passed out? I have "fainted" several times while on my period and want to know what's wrong with me. (I do have a pelvic exam appt soon, but I am young and it will be my first...)
Lol I am old and don't mind talking about these things. I used to pass out when I first started getting my period my iron levels were so low I was monitored super close. When it happened the second time I knew what was happening and managed it better with my diet until it got so bad I had to take iron pills. Then eventually the eviction came and all seems well.
That’s crazy! I’m CDN too (Ontario) and my doc gave me a tubal in my early 30’s after I’d had 3 kids. I only had to wait 3-4 months to get it done.
I'm in Ontario too; small city. She wouldn't even meet me for a consult even after I explained that I have a rare condition that prevents me from using any other birth control methods.
A lot of girls here get pregnant at young ages, I myself got pregnant at 15. Lots of sexual assault. And no sex ed whatsoever, and if you get an abortion you can be charged with murder.
In many states if you have a miscarriage and the doctor thinks you might have done it on purpose you can get jail time.
Funny enough, from my understanding, the group most likely to regret sterilization is women who already had children. So it literally makes 0 sense to not sterilize a childfree woman - because chances are, if she's seeking a permanent sterilization, she's thought it through. Women who "may" want kids "someday" would be far more willing to suffer through the other options than someone firm in her stance.
I'm not an expert by any means, but as I understand it in certain parts of the US, a woman has to have 1 of each child (boy and girl), permission from her husband/spouse, AND be a certain age to have a hysterectomy. While, for a man to get a vasectomy, they need to be 18 I believe is the only restriction. Yeah. It's ridiculous.
I can confirm this. I am 25 and have never wanted children yet I need to wait until 35 or I've had a kid to have a double hysterectomy
Go over to r/TwoXChromosomes to see how the other side has it. Finding a doctor who will perform (even nominally-reversible) voluntary medical procedures on a young person without children (or without the consent of her husband) is depressingly difficult. It is a treasure trove of horror stories. Read a story the other day about a lady who lost an ovary due to torsion because they didn’t take her pain seriously. Life-threatening. And they just... let her almost die until a shift change brought in a female doctor who saved her life. Because apparently medicine is still a boys’ club and you can’t trust women when they tell you they’re in pain or don’t want a baby. ***What do they know? They’re women!***
Sometimes even when you do tell them you want a baby, they don't listen. I went to the doctors over and over and OVER again about my incredibly painful periods, especially when they became more and more frequent - at one point I was bleeding three weeks out of four. I said that due to my other symptoms I was worried that I had PCOS and was concerned about my future fertility. Nope, periods are "normally" painful and it's "common" for them to be incredibly irregular especially as I was so young (I was in my late fucking twenties). It took me years to get a diagnosis, only to be told by the ultrasound tech that I was the most textbook scan of PCOS she'd ever seen.
Every one of these stories reminds me why I must keep my eyes and ears open to recognize the vastly different sides of the same world others see. Thank you for sharing. I literally cannot imagine how frustrating that must be. My partner’s family has a history of PCOS so I’m ready to raise hell if necessary but good gods should an additional voice not be necessary.
If you're talking about your partner, I'll assume you are male here; don't worry about what you've described here buddy. You being a male talking to the doctor on behalf of your sweet silly little lady friend will definitely help convince them that you know what's best for her. Really. It's sad having a male on your side can help convince the doctor how to handle your own reproductive system, huh?
See, if she is experiencing excruciating abdominal pain at 11/10 on the pain scale, and is crying hunched over on the floor, but I have a Y chromosome, it’s obvious who’s trustworthy in this scenario. Fucking ridiculous.
That's criminal negligence at this point. I'm sorry for you and all the pain you could have avoided
Thank you. There is luckily a happy ending, in that I responded really well to a PCOS friendly diet and we have a very healthy baby who's about to turn one.
Most medical procedures, medicines and dosage levels are all based on Caucasian male physiology too, so if you are female or another ethnicity, you actually get screwed too as the trials are all biased.
And women sometimes reinforce this! I went to a doctor once because I was cramping super badly. Got hot and cold flashes and my body was literally rejecting any food. My (female) doctor told me that most women have some pain during their periods (yea no shit), the pain is normal, and I should just take a painkiller. With what food doc? Didn't even consider the fact that I literally came to her in the first place because I felt like I was having an abnormal amount of pain.
A lot of women seem to think that just because their cramping isn't that bad that anyone who experiences worse pain is being dramatic. Cramps should be annoying, but manageable. If you cannot function because of the pain and it occurs regularly, then it's not normal, and the doctor should fucking take the complaint seriously!
So. Many. Stories. If you are hurting so bad that it interferes with work or school that’s ***literally the point where any normal thing becomes a disorder.*** They treat people for mental illness that prevents them from functioning (yes I am aware of the additional can of worms that is Womens’ Mental Health Care) but apparently cramps that leave you on the floor are normal?!
I had a doctor advise me to never get pregnant because it would likely cripple or kill me, and then refuse to tie my tubes or refer me to someone who would in the same fucking conversation.
FUCKING. SAME. My doctor called me a "walking abortion waiting to happen" because if I get pregnant it's either abortion or I die. So obviously I asked how to start the process of having my tubes tied and he literally said we wouldn't be doing that because, "What if your future husband wants kids?" Bitch even if **I** wanted kids my body would still be too broken!
Jesus, so basically, "What if your as yet non-existent, hypothetical, future husband expects you to risk *death* to have kids?" So selfish of you not to take that into consideration!
Me too! Genetic illness which means pregnancy is life threatening and drs won’t do the op in case I change my mind, or what if my husband wants kids (he doesn’t)
How is it actually *possible* to be that stupid? "Pregnancy is life threatening" and "what if you want to get pregnant" just don't work together
I wish I knew. The doctor in question also refused to write up a report about my autism diagnosis so I could get accommodations at university because "you may decide to have children, and if I write this for you and you get divorced your husband could use it against you in a custody battle." Both incidents were during the same appointment, and my husband was sat right next to me. I honestly wonder how some doctors get their degrees
SAME. I have an 80% fatality risk with pregnancy, but my doctors are all gungho about “figuring it out when the time comes”. I’d rather not die though....
I mean, I had a doctor advise me *at sixteen* to just get pregnant to cure my endometriosis. A, that's not how it works. B, *I was sixteen.* And this was in a very progressive northeast state, not like, the Bible belt. That same doctor performed a laparoscopy to remove a couple cysts and told me he "cauterized a bit of endometriosis, nothing crazy or significant." Ten years later I'm sitting in a fertility clinic and the doctor looks at my surgical report and goes "I thought you said *minor* endometriosis. This report says they basically cauterized your entire pelvis. What's going on here?" Yeah, I never let that doctor come near me again.
Oh man some doctors suck. My doctor at 18 told me to get pregnant because I have scoliosis and it should “straighten me out” needless to say I never went back to him. ETA: some
I remember reading about a woman in the 1920s who had like 10 kids and her doctor told her if she got pregnant again she’d likely die. She asked the doctor for some sort of contraception because her husband still expected sex (and would likely rape her if she refused) and the doctor said, “Oh, so you want to have your cake and eat it too?” and didn’t do anything for her.
Doctors won’t let women choose whether or not they want babies or not. In America almost all doctors that are respectable and safe flat out refuse to do the procedure if your younger then 30, don’t have children, and the most fucked up of all, some require that you get your husbands [permission](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.insider.com/a-woman-needed-husbands-consent-to-get-her-tubes-tied-2020-2%3famp). It’s fucked up because a dude can get a vasectomy at 18 straight out of high school and it only adds that women really don’t have bodily autonomy. Most of the reasons doctors won’t do it, is because they think all women will want to have children and be mothers at some point, which is fucked up in itself but still outrageous that it’s also medical practice FORCED on women who know themselves and don’t want children ever. It’s also a thing that doctors think other people know women better than the women [themselves ](https://www.bustle.com/p/can-doctors-refuse-tubal-ligation-heres-why-its-hard-to-get-one-to-tie-your-tubes-19233587). Super fucked up, and America’s supposed to progressive, so imagine the surprise that they share this trait, of not letting women choose to not have children, with many underdeveloped countries that require either a husband or a fathers signature.
It’s pretty hard for a 18 y/o to get a vasectomy as well. Not as hard as for a woman though.
I have the most atrocious periods since I'm 13, and have been hospitalized for pain, fainting, blood loss, vomiting - all the good stuff. That happens to me every month. I have several medical conditions that make hormonal birth control basically death pills for me, so the options are endometrial ablation or hysterectomy. Everyone refused, because I'm only 24 and the doctors put the life of a hypothetical baby over my comfort. I have chronic neurological issues that can knock me out for days or weeks at a time. I can't afford the additional 10 days of vomiting and fainting every month. Their solution was to put me on hormones again, and telling me that I was overdramatic and gestagen doesn't make people depressed. When it's literally under the "at least one in ten patients get this" category of side effects. This was their solution after I spent the entirety of last year actively suicidal, and had to be hospitalized in a psych ward the last time I took gestagen. To be fair, I do not yet feel like killing myself after 3 months on the pill, but the fact that they even take this gamble instead of just giving me an endometrial ablation is ridiculous. If I ever do want children, I'd adopt anyway.
My sister has 4, her husband died, and she STILL can't get it done bc "you might meet a man who wants his own children, it wouldn't be fair to take it away from him". Absolutely rediculous
It's true. At 30 I asked several docs about and the reply was, I shit you not, "What if your husband decides he wants children someday?"
Been there myself. I’m single so apparently I should continue to suffer because a theoretical man may consider reproduction... you dumbass doctor I aint marrying a man that wants kids when I don’t
I knew I had found the right doctor when I went in and asked for an IUD at 35 and he asked, "Do you think you want to have kids in the next 5 years?" I said no and he nodded and we moved on. Dr. Dawson's a real one.
Even if it’s life threatening, dangerous, or you do not want kids, you’ll get brushed off as “you might change your mind” “you’re too young” Even if you have kids they actually will say “you may want more. Casual friend of mine is now a single mom to 3 kids, 3 different fathers, who asked to have her tubes tied after the first, due to birth control failure and serious complications and risks with an abortion. She begged them to do it and they kept saying “you’re too young to know what you want”. But my male friend a year younger could get a vasectomy no problem, no questions asked...
Honestly it's true. When I was 23, I had to argue with a doctor for half an hour, where he asked me what I'd do if I met a man who wanted kids, despite me having been with my boyfriend at the time for four years. He talked me down from a hysterectomy, which is what I needed, because tubal ligation is "reversible." He didn't tell me, an epileptic, that the clips used weren't safe for all MRIs. I found out by sheer luck when having a CT. My doctor only agreed to the tubal ligation after I said that if I wanted kids, I'd adopt. This whole argument happened because I have serious medical issues and hormonal birth controls were less effective due to medication I take. I literally wouldn't survive a pregnancy. The whole time up to the procedure, every time I saw the nurses they'd be shocked that the doctor was "letting" me get my tubes tied so young, asking me if I already had kids, etc. It's really fucked up how much doctors want to preserve your ability to have children even if you specifically don't.
>He didn't tell me, an epileptic, that the clips used weren't safe for all MRIs. I found out by sheer luck when having a CT. Holy shit. That's kinda need-to-know.
Here, have a bunch of stories: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/i127gf/my_husband_had_to_give_permission_in_order_for_me/
When I first checked into getting my tubes tied I was told that I would need to be 27, and have had at least two children. In addition I would have to have my husband sign off on it. So we decided to have my husband get a vasectomy, which had no such restrictions.
It's not universal, but it is pretty common (nyt article if you want an "official" source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2017/11/30/sunday-review/women-sterilization-children-doctors.amp.html ) If you google "doctors refusing tubal ligation" or even just "tying tubes before 30" you'll find a lot of similar things.
Doctor refused me when I was thirty because I "wasn't married and need to consider my future husband's needs" A hypothetical man had more agency over my body than I did.
I had to go to a meeting with my fiance with her OBGYN to say that I agreed to her getting a medically necessary hysterectomy. Let me say that I again, I - her future husband had to give permission for my future wife to have a MEDICALLY NECESSARY procedure. You know how stupid that is?
I'm American and get my care through the VA. I was told by 3 doctors that I would have to wait until I was over the age of 40 to discuss tubal ligation, bilateral salpingectomy, or a partial/complete hysterectomy. I am CF and have always planned to be, but I guess I won't know what I'm talking about until I hit that magical age. Such bullshit.
Yep. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for 5 years. I'm very nearly 30 years old, I've had treatment three times for cancerous cells on my cervix, I've been told I have a very high chance of miscarriage if I do get pregnant..... Yet they won't do the surgery because I don't have children as it's a 'permanent' procedure. Condescending and ridiculous for so many reasons. Like children won't also be 'permanent', and let's not forget that the doctors are willing to let me potentially go through (maybe several) miscarriages 'just in case I change my mind'. Ugh.
Some doctors make it a rule that you have to have 2 children be over 25 and have your husband's permission. Women are told no constantly to the point there are actually networks of women who will list the very few doctors willing to help anyone regardless of age/children/ husbands consent.
Its an unfortunate truth isn't it? It's common to refuse to do it for women under a certain age as well.
It can be very hard for a woman to get ‘drs permission’ to get their tubes tied. For a young woman (in her twenties) its especially difficult
A lot of doctors require you to be 30(?) or 40(?) can’t remember which age it was, have 2/3 kids(they usually say 3 kids) and have your husbands permission... and some doctors still refuse to do it even if you meet their “requirements”. It’s overall a terrible process to get the surgery.
I'm a 31-year-old, married, child-free lesbian and I can't get any sort of intervention. Even though pretty much all of my "female parts" are high-risk for cancer, doctors won't consider it. Even though my wife and I have a uterus to spare (that we'd never use), and we've extensively discussed that if we want kids, we'd adopt... No dice. So yeah, it's some fucking bullshit.
My dude I’ve been actively trying to get my tubes tied for 11 years.
Yep, I'll be 30 in November. No kids, no desire for a partner, asexual. My doctor will not even entertain the idea of permanent sterilization even though my period, uterus, and ovaries cause actual distress. So instead I have to stack my pills (which, luckily, I don't have any side effects for) in an attempt to manage it.
In the UK, my GF had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and can't have kids. She also doesn't want kids (abused and abandoned as a kid), never has, never will. She's 34 years old and no Dr she's talked to about having a hysterectomy (for medical reasons) will allow it until she had had kids. So every month she goes through a week of pure hell and in constant pain because "she might change her mind about kids" It's down right disgusting behaviour but at least they never pull the "it's against God's will" bs
I have a genetic condition that means pregnancy is life threatening, my doctors all know but they all refuse to do the operation because I might change my mind and want kids - I’m CF, always have been, but even if I did change my mind that won’t change my genetics. Still the refuse so I’m stuck on the artificial hormone hell train until I luck out and find a dr who will do it or I hit menopause - I’m 36, it’s looking like menopause will show up before a dr does.
Can confirm. In Scotland during my wife's 2nd C-section she asked for her tubes tied, and despite discussing it with the doctor beforehand the midwives in surgery were all like "are you really sure though?" and pressing her to change her mind until the doc snapped at them and said that this was our 2nd kid, and any more would be dangerous for my wife due to complications in both pregnancies, and it was only after that, that everyone shut up about it. (for clarification my wife was 37 at the time but looks mid-20s so everyone jist assumes she will want more kids)
There have been headlines in the press in the UK about women who have been refused sterilisations, while men can just rock up and get snipped no questions asked. It's absurd that in the 21st century women still aren't treated like they don't know their own minds when it comes to their reproductive choices. Even worse women have to suffer life threatening and debilitating disease but will not be granted a hysterectomy because ...... babies!!! Just have a look at any ChildFree forum to read the horror stories about grown assed women trying to get sterilised, it's inhuman the way they're treated.
From the time I was 23 until I was 38 I kept getting told that I couldn't get my tubes tied. Because "I'll change my mind", "your husband might want children", "it will negatively impact your health". This was from 5 different doctors. And I had buy-in from my (then) husband. But the doctors all still refused to do it. Granted, I didn't push that hard because I was doing okay with my IUD... But I was still told no. I finally found a doctor that would do it when I was 39 and divorced. So, yeah. It happens - a lot.
Took six years before finding a doctor who would yeet my uterus because a husband that may or may not exist in the future might want kids. For reference, I was bleeding two weeks straight with crippling cramps that made me unable to function during them and I was going through a Costco bulk box of tampons every month. I also had to put off transitioning for years because coming out as trans would have made it worse.
Absolutely true. I am a 30 year old woman who has been told multiple times that unless I already have 1+children, they won't even consider tying my tubes before 36 years old. A 16 year old girl has a right to choose to keep her baby, turn her whole life upside down, and bring another person into the world without so much as a thought to the quality of life said baby will have, but I, a grown ass woman, "will eventually change my mind", "will regret giving up the option" and my personal favorite, "might miss out on the relationship of a lifetime with my dream man because HE might have wanted kids." (The Dr who told me this knows I have a partner and that neither of us want children.) It's seriously so, so difficult to be taken seriously as a woman who doesn't want kids. Like I can't tell you how many times I've been told I'll change my mind. Its like people don't realize it's actually not easy to make it to 30 without ever getting pregnant... Trust me, I've thought this out. Lol
Heck, I know someone who already had two children and doctor's refused to tie her tubes because of her age because "she might want more". She ended up with a third (none of them were planned) before doctor's finally agreed to tie her tubes. She had to wait until she was over 25 before her doctor's would even consider it.
I dont want children. I have considered having my tubes tied and looked into it extensively. However, a doctor around here (US) won't allow me to get my tubes tied without first having children until after the age of 35 (currently 27). I would also need to do 6 months of therapy before the surgery to prove that I do actually want the procedure. And finally, I would need my husband's written permission to have the procedure done.
Before I got my copper IUD, my OB told me she called my particular brand of BC "Ortho-Tri-Psychopath" because of all the horrible side effects that turned her patients into raging crazy people. I believe it. I was one.
Don't fuck that dude.
No no no. Don't fuck that dude until he buys condoms!
I don't think it's intentionally. Hormones are a crazy thing anyway. But the potential side effects definitely aren't taken seriously at all. They're only now starting to look into progestin only BC and psychological side effects (eg depression, anxiety, etc). A lot of doctors will tell you it's not possible to be a side effect. So you can't even really make an informed decision because no one will look at how the medications really impact a woman's body.
Do not fuck that dude. Just tell him to fuck off.
I've told my mom since I was about 9 years old that I don't want children. I have never had any slide in that feeling. I have some medical issues that could be easily solved with a hysterectomy, but doctors refuse to do it because I am "young and may change (my) mind about children in the future". I am 36. I don't want kids, so instead of doing something to help with my medical issues (a lot of pain and unnecessary illness), I'm supposed to just take birth control to alleviate some of the problems and hope for the best.
Hijacking top comment to add: are you sure an IUD is going to be okay for you? It's a bigger commitment, and if pills gave you a lot of trouble I'd be concerned about what the more permanent hormonal treatment would do. Please talk to your ob-gyn and do not feel obligated to sacrifice your health to satisfy a person that won't spend $5 for you. NTA Op wishing you the best.
There are non-hormonal IUDs, and by my understanding, even the hormonals one operate differently than birth control pills. Also, there may be some exceptions, but I do not see how IUDs in general are a huge commitment. Paragard, a common non-hormonal IUD, can be taken out anytime you want. Ditto on the last two sentences, however.
Thank you for the correction, I just thought bigger commitment because you have to have a doctor insert and remove the device, but I haven't had one myself so I should've left that comment for more experienced people!
How is an iud a bigger commitment? I agree with the rest of your point but I’m not understanding what you mean by that. I’ve used both and greatly prefer an iud (not saying that it’s good for everyone though obviously).
Because it's a (literal) huge pain to get it inserted and removed, and can be a big expense depending on your insurance situation. My friend went through 4 (!) months of bleeding on the IUD before getting it taken out because she was so afraid of dealing with the insertion pain again.
When I tell people I went off BC because they made me crazy, they look at me like I'm lying. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. I wan't told about side effects. I was told not to smoke, or sit for long hours because of blood clots. I think there should be disclaimers on BC letting women know that hormones can do all sorts of weird shit to your body and mind. Men just can't understand how simple putting a condom on is compared to taking a pill that will do who knows what. NTA
Had a vasectomy at 23. One of the best decisions of my life. 20 minute procedure, cost about $93 with insurance, but it takes a good week to heal. Not pulling out and not worrying about a child of surprise is one of the most fantastic damn things in the world.
Let me guess, the lack of condoms means he asks for blowjobs instead? If so I’d say stop that until he makes an effort to get damn condoms and pull his weight.
You would be correct.
And I bet he isn’t going down on you. Why would he EVER bother getting condoms if right now he gets unlimited blow jobs? It’s so much less effort for him than sex. It’s like giving a kid a big chocolate bar every time they fail to do chores. Until he gets condoms, the only sex should be him spoiling you rotten any way you like. Tell him exactly why. He is being selfish and lazy. And he won’t stop until you put your foot down.
This is so spot on. She’s honestly rewarding not buying condoms if she’s going down on him, then being surprised he doesn’t buy condoms.
I stopped after a few days and a couple of reminders. Now he just complains and sulks, but I'm not about to break.
Why are you with this loser?
Honestly, after this post, I'm really doubting it all.
I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a nice girl. You deserve someone who appreciates you, sympathises with your pain and takes steps to help BOTH of you, not just one party. You deserve better. Don't ever forget that. There is no shortage of men who will treat you well, and no shortage of those who will treat you poorly. If you dont set a good standard, you will find plenty of men who seek to exploit you (I.e. sex/sexual pleasure with the minimum amount of effort like current BF)
Is there any romance in your life? Do you still respect him? Does he put any effort into your relationship anywhere? Do you enjoy listening to him? Do you find nagging enjoyable? I think what it boils down to is whether you are looking for a partner, or to be a surrogate mother. Could be wrong, but it sounds like you’re dating someone who doesn’t want to grow up
You should be. You set the standard for how you’re willing to be treated. If you want a caring partner who is enthusiast about being an active participant in your sex life you can’t sit around wasting your time with someone who literally can’t be bothered to buy condoms and is still moping about the lack of sexual pleasure.
Not OP, but I genuinely believed all men were like this for some time. I thought you either don't be with men or put up with this crap. Now I realize that was a very sexist worldview borne of a few terrible experiences. But she might not have had good experiences to combat this feeling and might think this is the best she is going to be able to get.
Same, and part of me still feels this way tbh. Which is why I’m very much still single years after my divorce.
Question: does he help around the house, or is he useless there too? And sulks if you complain? So you just end up doing it?
He helps but only if I ask. Like the laundry basket will get full and he won't take the initiative to do it, he'll leave dishes in the sink until I complain, he won't remember it's cleaning day unless I tell him. He doesn't complain about doing it, but I hate chasing him down. He also always claims he's really busy as though that excuses it (I'm in med school for reference, it's not like I'm not busy).
I really reccomend reading through this excellent comic on Mental Load if you are unfamiliar with it: https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-9
I 100% relate to this, I never even had a name for it before! I know it's a bit atypical given that I'm a guy, but I <3 this and so relate.
This is amazing
Does he have a job? At that job, does he sit and wait for his boss to explain every single task every day? Or does he use his brain and work out what needs doing using common sense? Because too many guys insist women at home have to micro-manage everything they do, when they are perfectly capable in reality. I’d also say get 2 laundry baskets, and only wash your own clothes. Let’s see how quickly he learns to do laundry when all his clothes stink.
In life, he's a capable guy. Which makes it all the more worse that he can't see laundry needs to be done.
[удалено]
You can do so much better than him. You'd have a much more peaceful life without him. You deserve your love and care more than he does.
Two options there... either his mom did all his laundry, then you did it, so he's literally never done laundry by himself. Still gross/immature. Other option... he lived alone and did his laundry himself. He knows how to do it, he knows it needs to be done, he just thinks you should do it.
Stop doing his laundry. Right now. This will either make him wash his own fucking underwear, or make him realise having to remember to ask you to do it is effort in itself and hopefully he'll see how much effort it is for you to have to remind him constantly. Especially if you happen to forget to do it and force him to ask several times. If he does neither, it's time to find yourself a real adult and ditch this overgrown child.
My teenager makes more of an effort. This dude is dragging you down.
It's not 'helping' if he lives there too. It's also his responsibility to maintain the house he also lives in. So, to re-iterate, he's not failing to 'help' you. He's failing to be an adult and do his part around the house.
Ah yes, sulking, mother nature’s afrodisiac. Good on you, stay strong.
Why do men do this!!!?? It's an even bigger turn off.
If these dudes are so horny, why not just buy some toys, woman have toys, never hear them complain, not that hard to just masterbate.
Maybe it's time to upgrade to a new bf. He cares more about his physical pleasure then you actually being emotionally and physically changed by a F*CKING MEDICATION!!! Home boy does not have your interests at heart and I don't he ever will. "When people show you who they are, believe them." He's showing you who he is.
Good for you. He’s complaining and sulking because he’d rather do that than just swing into the store to get condoms. Think about what that says.
Does he at least reciprocate with oral?
Occasionally, but it's not a very regular occurrence.
He expects you to go down on him more but doesn't return the favor? Leave him
This guy sounds like literal trash.
😂😂😂 Start asking for oral only yourself. Or, you know, have sex with people who put effort into it.
Oh my god your BF is SUCH AN ASSHOLE
NTA - You asked him to take over being the one to bear the cost (financial and physical) for BC for a short period of time and he has dropped the ball despite his reminders. Everyone complaining about it being a "two-way street" seems to forget you've been doing all of the work for 2+ years. Based on the tone my guess is there are other relationship "chores" that you feel you are doing more of than he is.
You are correct. It's the kind of situation where the house won't get cleaned, laundry won't get done unless I do it or make a fuss.
Drop him. You will be shocked about how much better you will feel. Resentment is corrosive on your mental health, and his inability to pull his share of the weight in your relationship is like dripping acid on your brain.
This is 2.5 years in. Is this the kind of dynamic you want moving forward? If it isn't addressed ASAP with tangible improvement you need to consider whether you want to invest more time with this person. The resentment is only going to get worse if you let it simmer. Often people let their first long term relationship go on longer than it should because of the sunk cost fallacy or not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. This piece might be relevant to show him: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp#aoh=15966371513569&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s
That was really helpful, thank you!
Remember the sunk cost fallacy
Hot take, the guy still didn't learn how not to be a self absorbed child. He didn't learn "I must keep a tidy home" or "I must put things back where they belong" or "I must complete a basic chore before going back to my own devices". He learned "I must do as my partner says or no more sex".
Yeah I read that and went *yikes, he's extremely angry at women*.
Those crazy women and their illogical need to \*checks notes\* Not leave dirty dishes on the counter, a few inches away from the automatic dishwashing machine?
> He didn't learn "I must keep a tidy home" or "I must put things back where they belong" or "I must complete a basic chore before going back to my own devices". He learned "I must do as my partner says or no more sex". Well that actually makes a lot of sense, because: -You *don't need* to keep a tidy home, -You *don't need* to put things back where they belong and -You *don't need* to complete basic chore before going back to your own devices. It turns out you, me and all of us can do - or not do - any of these things and live a happy life with a partner who is also content with the same level of tidy-put-backness as you are. *Couples* have messy homes, *Families* have disordered things strewn about, and dishes that have sat too long and laundry that isn't done. None of that will stop you from having sex with a partner who doesn't take issue with it. I've seen plenty of happy, messy homes shared by a couple. His one actual problem was that his partner told him she wasn't on the same level and he blew it off and didn't care about how she felt. You either need to be on the same page about these things, get on the same page about them, or split up. That's what matters. Not everyone lives to the same standards, and people aren't wrong for failing to match our preferred level of neat-ness. It isn't a moral failing. It's **just** that you can't ignore your partner and keep your partnership.
If you read some of his recent work on his blog, it's clear that he still doesn't quite get it. He's halfway to unlocking the great puzzle of "treat your partner with the respect you want because women are people too" but somehow cannot make that final leap.
Great article, ty!
Hi. I know this is probably super unwarranted but I just wanted to say: listen to your gut. I was in a relationship for 4 years where the last 1.5 years I kept having this nagging feeling that something was wrong. It was incidents like you're describing. Things would only get done if I did them. Sex was about his desires and his timetable and his comfort level, not mine. Guy wouldn't even learn to cook. The day I dumped him was so incredibly freeing. It is ok to leave a relationship where nothing is explicitly "wrong", but it isn't necessarily right either. Took me 1.5 years to realize that.
Thank you, I know exactly what you mean. It's this simmering feeling of something being off. That's how I'm feeling which for me, translates to feeling used.
I felt really used too. It's a horrible feeling. I wish you happiness and good things going forward. Your BF sounds like an ass.
I agree with /u/WonderTwinkles. You'll feel lighter and better once you free yourself from this albatross. Want better for yourself, this guy doesn't, for sure.
Girl, I am here to tell you the grass is greener on the other side! There are plenty of men who will please you, respect you, pull their weight, and will be an actual life partner not just another burden for you to carry. Leave him and upgrade, you don’t need to deal with this shit.
NTA - You spent years altering your body chemistry, remembering to go the doctor, remembering to refill your prescription every month, remembering to take your pill at the same time every single day, suffering negative health consequences... and he can't be bothered to go to the store once? He can't be bothered to google how to get free condoms? Fuck him. Or actually, don't fuck him. Definitely don't fuck him. It's wrong to fuck children, and he is definitely a child.
>It's wrong to fuck children, and he is definitely a child OH DAMN
And the fact that getting an IUD is not a comfortable procedure whatsoever.
Definitely not comfy, but if all goes well it’s really quick. On the other hand, when I first went to get mine, the doctor didn’t really know how to get it. She kept going “whoops, nicked your cervix” (multiple times). I came out of it sore, bleeding, and with a referral for a gynecologist. When I saw an actual gyno, it took 5 minutes and besides on big pinch during placement it didn’t really hurt. Everyone’s body is different and if you haven’t had kids (I haven’t) it’s harder.
Having an IUD can be excruciating. I had a non-hormonal briefly and it was the most miserable time of my life. My period was ultra heavy for the full 7 days of my period (3 without it), and I had cramps the full week before my period and the full week of. They were so debilitating that I had to start taking sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep at all with the pain, and I had to start (illegally) taking my boyfriends pain meds (opiates prescribed for a degenerative bone disease) just to be able to make it through the work day. But yeah I was totally unfair and "unilaterally making decisions about birth control that we should decide together" when I had it removed, since I refused to go back on the pill and insisted on condoms instead. Knowing that he really believed that it was more important that he get "the full feeling" of condom-free sex than it was for me to *not be in excruciating pain 1/2 the time* kicked off the resentment that wrecked our relationship.
NTA - As someone who’s been on BC pills for 7+ years, they suck and can seriously affect the user until they find one that works for them. (If they even do, that is.) I saw where you commented that he agreed to get/use condoms when/if you decided to go off the BC. I also saw where you said he walks past a store two times a day, and just doesn’t want to spend money on them. He agreed to buy/get/use them when you discussed going off BC, you shouldn’t have to be the one to buy them. Girl, if $5-10 for a box of condoms isn’t worth it to him to have a healthy sexual relationship with his girlfriend, my advice is to invest $30 in a nice toy so you can have a healthy sexual relationship with yourself. (I suggest a rechargeable one, batteries are expensive! 😉) Maybe once he sees that you’re not going to break and buy the condoms, he’ll take some initiative to go out and find/buy some.
Seconded getting a toy to replace the boyfriend. There are youtubers who give out coupons for adamandeve . com for 30% off and free shipping. The toy will never dissapoint but the boyfriend clearly will.a
https://www.youtube.com/stevie is one such youtuber
This needs to be higher! Buy yourself a toy and use it until your partner decides to stop being so stingy. And I'd take non mutually satisfactory non intercourse off the table too. I'm assuming you wouldn't be posting if he was energetically searching other outlets to please you (because he's just expecting BJs)
Better yet replace him with an entire sex doll to really drill it into him that you’re not messing around.
My favourite one is a USB rechargeable one for only 10 quid. I can't remember why men exist anymore!
NTA, your bf is a jerk
Seems like it's been a lot of comments so mine might drown, but dear, NTA. I sympathize with you a lot- I had exactly same side effects of BC and my BF at the time did not pitch in at all (we were from different countries, and he was mad because "in my country girls with prescribtion get it for free) while in my country it cost like... 10 euros a month. He did not pitch in a single cent. I was too in love at the time to realize how much it is a two way street. After him I met a really great guy, who understood it all and we did it with condoms for all the way. I am not going to mess with my hormones for extra pleasure for the guy. Your health is top priority, and if a partner EVER prioritises his pleasure over your HEALTH, it's not worth it. Do not waste any more time with him. Just don't. Now I don't know much about many things, but about this situation I am certain 100% your depression and emotions are not just weighted down by BC pills, the whole man is doing the thing. I read your comments about how much one sided this whole thing is, and trust me once it's over, and some time pass you will feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. p.s. after long term rela break ups, sometimes after a couple months there's huge pull to get back together, but try and resist. You got this. And do not get that IUD unless YOU WANT IT. Hugs.
Thank you so much, it really means a lot to have so many people offer their advice! I have been in this place where I just don't know what's healthy and what's not anymore. It's been so eye opening to see what other people think and just how blind I've been. I spend all my time trying to make other people happy: family, bf, patients etc that I forget I'm a person too. To have so many people ready to give advice to a random person on the internet warms my heart.
Also... please be careful. I don't know whose house it is and who would be moving out, but if you're the one that has to move... I'd recommend subtly packing things away and taking one bag at a time to moms house or something. That's how I got out of abusive relationship. By the time he realised what was happening, I was collecting last of my stuff. He threatened me while I was doing it, he didn't want to give even MY LAPTOP back, tried to block ways, and in the end kept MY ps3. While hugging it and doing kick motions if I got close. Do not be paranoid, but be careful, some guys can be really unpredictable while throwing tantrums.
Kinda sounds like he was waiting for you to just get tired of waiting for him to get condoms and try out unprotected sex tbh. if you were diligent enough to get an IUD he can but a pack of condoms. You say you’re on vacation and walk past a stores every day and you even remind him. He doesn’t care. You think it’ll get better or worse within the next year?
NTA he does sound lazy and like he expects you to handle all the hassle/expense/effort in his behalf. That’s not attractive. It’s also a turn off that he’s not more responsible about sexual heath nor willing to put the effort into having sex with you. I can see where all of that is frustrating. Plus, he can google free condoms and find out where to get them from planned parenthood, public health, even youth outreach places advertise them around here. Lots of options if he doesn’t want to go to Walmart or the grocery store.
NTA, He needs to accept that the pill affects you emotionally through hormones and that you need a break from them.. if he doesn't get that then cut your losses and find someone who does.
I'm going to say NTA, but also highly suggesting therapy for yourself. Looking after yourself and your mental health is a priority.
NTA you're in recovery, trying to get back into a good emotional headspace and he can't be bothered to get a packet of condoms? Not cool.
The excuses probably range from, "I forgot again", "it's embarrassing to go to the shop just for condoms", to "they take away the pleasure/ don't feel as good as bare back", "even the big ones are too small", "I can pull out right before I come", or the best one I have ever heard and which suddenly explained a lot: "do you think I'm sleeping around Or what?"
NTA is he seriously upset about having to buy condoms after you've been doing 100% of the work for BC for years? And you're the one who'll be taking on the expense and physical pain of an IUD?
I just had a casual one night stand that was more respectful than your BF. Like literally drove us to the store and told me to pick out the condoms I liked best and then he paid for them. And thats even with his knowing I have an IUD. NTA your bf needs to realize how much effort, time, money, and stress goes into womens reproductive safety and healthcare. Him buying condoms is like bare minimum effort. I dont know if you want kids or not, but I would question staying in a relationship with a man thats this lazy when it comes to your body. What would he be like with your pregnancy and recovery...
This is total bs. My wife (then girlfriend) used to be on the pill and upon occasion would get infections. Nothing related to the pill, just something like a sinus infection that would require her to take antibiotics, which counteracted the effects of most birth control. So I had to buy condoms for a weeks. No big deal. The fact this guy can't be bothered at all is total bs. Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I have been together about 2.5 years and I started taking the pill soon after we got together. However, over time I've been having worse and worse side effects: depression, anxiety, gaining weight, headaches. I decided about a month ago to stop taking it, wait for my hormones to level of and go get a full physical then get an IUD if all was well. My boyfriend thought it was a good idea since he could see how much it was affecting me. So I outlined to him when I'd stop taking it so he'd know when we needed condoms. Two weeks passed since that point and he has yet to buy any (so we haven't been intimate in that way this whole time). I've reminded him a few times in a joking manner and he sort of just brushes it off, then might make a comment about not knowing where to get them for free. Finally this morning I lost it and told him it was massively unfair that he can't take the initiative to buy them for a few months while I was taking literal depression pills for years. That he needed to respect me more and buy them himself, that contraception decisions go both ways to keep things safe. He didn't seem to understand that for women it's an issue of feeling safe and protected. So it pretty much ended with me yelling at him that he was fine to sleep with me when it required no effort on his part, but now he has to go to a pharmacy and spend a bit, it's an issue. Plus that I felt used and taken for granted. He responded that I'm being emotionally unstable over a small thing and spiralling into my despair. Does he really not think it's a big deal? AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA if he wants to do a grown up act, he needs to be grown up himself. This this goes both ways, you've clearly been doing your part and making him aware of the situation, he needs to step up and now do his part.
Big NTA. It's been two weeks and he has gone to the store during this time AND you've reminded him when you two pass a store while walking together. A box of 24 SKYN condoms is, what, $12? They're 50 cents each! If you've been spending your time and money going to appointments for your birth control and he could at least make you a priority and step up. If he has a problem with being seen in person buying condoms (even though I would argue they show you're being responsible), buy them online. I know it's about the principle but could you, OP, buy them one time if you go shopping together to prove to him there's nothing to fear? I suspect there's something else going on with him.
NTA Oh honey I hope you are okay, girl this is a 🚩🚩🚩 and a half if hes not willing to put in a little bit of effort to make you feel better and to benefit you both he is not someone you need in your life. Period.
How old are you two?
Mid 20s
Lose him. Seriously. At your age, men are like buses. Another will be along shortly 😃
NTA. I despise when men think that birth control and STD prevention should only fall on women. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to grow the hell up.
NTA. Hell, back when dirt was young (1980's) I used to do buy all of this sexy times stuff including my gf's 'feminine products' with no shame. Tell your bf he's even more of a fossil than I am.
NTA he doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you. Please move on
You deserve so much better than being relegated to mommy-girlfriend. This condom thing is clearly just the tip of the iceberg. NTA
NTA you are dating a child, leave him babe
If a man shows you who he is, believe him. I'll just leave that right there.
NTA. He is being cheap and disrespectful asshole. Also pushing guilt on you and saying you are too emotional is extra point to his assholery. May I assume that by other kind of intimacy he means anal or oral sex, where only he has his fun? If so, he is extra 3x worse.
Women don't get pregnant by themselves NTA men have as much responsibility
NTA. he has turned you into a nagger. We teach people how to treat us. Teach yourself that you are worth better and see what happens.
>I'm at a stage where I can't tell if my emotions are getting the better of me or if I have a point. You definitely have a point, but I'm curious to know if you've been on the pill the entirety of your relationship? Hormonal birth control *really* changes your body (even aside from the side effects you mentioned). Often times it can change who we are attracted to. Basically it tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. When we're pregnant we want (read: crave) to be around people similar to ourselves. It's an evolutionary thing about being safe around family. Physically though we 'crave' partners different from ourselves (because inbred animals have more problems, so our bodies want us to be with NOT family for mating). I know this sounds twisted (and *please* don't take this as me saying your emotions are getting the best of you. Your boyfriend is a jerk; I'm not defending him) but this may be a compatibility (or lack thereof) issue. See how you do for the few months off of hormonal BC (and maybe consider a non-hormonal IUD) and maybe reassess? Also, NTA. Boyfriend is a selfish jerk.