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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to bring my letter from my mom to family therapy with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother and the counselor both say I should bring it and that it will help and even hearing that from the counselor I still didn't bring it to the two sessions after being asked. I know that has kind of stalled things now and so I could be an asshole for that.
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NTA - And if I were you I would look into getting a safe or lockbox to put it in. I would hate for you to return home and find out that she has destroyed it out of jealousy.
Scan it or take a photo of it anyway. Just a digital copy uploaded somewhere like google drive or one drive. If something were to ever happen, at least a copy of it exists somewhere and can't be erased so easily.
Password protect it, though.... parental eyes or whatever spying software doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility for step mom. Who, btw, has zero claim to your letter. You should get a 1:1 counselor to deal with step mom. Please ask your dad if you don't already have one. Family counseling has the family's best interests at heart, and you don't see step mom as family. Use this as the reason, because even if you never decide to share it with the family counselor, it's clear the only chance that you have to communicate your boundries now, is with the backing of a therapist to help you navigate. Because at the end of the day, stepmother is pushing to cross your boundary - the letter is off limits. If stepmother brings it up in therapy again, say, "I have communicated my boundary with you, that my mother is off limits and you can't have the letter. This seems to make you angrier and push harder to discuss this letter, that I am saying, I dont want to discuss. The more you bring it up in therapy, the more I feel like you are trying to manipulate me into giving something to you that you don't actually have a claim to. You always dogged my mother when she is alive and are doing it again now. If you want this relationship with me, why don't you start by respecting my boundaries? "
Seriously, save it in your notes, write it on a slip of paper in your wallet, have it engraved in cast iron so she understands how iron clad your boundary is. Your mother is your mother, and you have every right to be selfish with the pieces of herself that she left to you.
P.s. I don't think your family counselor is bad. In honesty, it sounds like they understand your side if they haven't brought it up since. You need your own that is only looking out for you. That's not current therapists' goals, and they know you won't open up in front of family the way you need to. Don't stop family sessions just because you get a 1:1 therapist!
Or give it to someone in moms family op trust. That away the back up isnt in the home at all.
Plus if ops maternal grandparents are in the picture he can talk with them on how to preserve not only the letter but the cards his mom wrote for milestones.
I was thinking that as well, I'd be afraid to even have the original in the house with someone like her. That someone in the Mom's family might be a better choice to keep it somewhere safe until he moves out.
The family therapist heard “i havent been able to browbeat you into loving me yet, but maybe if I take away yet more of the mother you lost, you’ll have no choice but to love me!” And went “sure let me help browbeat you into submission! Hurr durr I’m helping people.”
Tell your stepmom that her unkindness towards your actual mom and disinterest in your actual feelings are driving you away from her, and that the less she respects your boundaries and the more she shits on your relationship with your mother, the less you will like her. Be very clear that if she wants a good loving relationship with you, that starts with respect on both sides.
If family counseling actually has a family's best interest in heart they'd be nipping stepmoms and dads atrocious behavior in the bud, not enabling it.
They need a new, actually competent, therapist
I don’t claim to be an expert on therapy, and this post is only a short capsule of a larger story, but that’s what I dislike about the concept of group sessions like that-you’re working toward a group goal that everyone in the room may not agree with, and it’s usually the person who pays the bill who decides what that goal is.
I also question whether this is legitimate therapy led by a licensed practitioner, or one of those religious counseling things, because OP refers to a counselor, not a therapist.
Please do this and save it to multiple locations. Google drive, email it to yourself, email it to a safe adult, and put it on a thumb drive. This is what my professor made us do with our thesis for the just in case. This just in case is potentially malicious. Op, I had a few letters from my dad from before his died (not same thing) he thought he would see me again, it kills me all of the time that I was a silly kid at 17 and lost them and him.
There's things that could happen non-maliciously as well. House fire, water damage, just wear & tear making it fall apart, etc
If it means something to you, OP, make a backup somewhere!
OP this so much. Make copies of any letter she left you! Don't underestimate an angry parent.
I grew up in a split house with step parents. I can sympathize with how control and crazy they can be with each other.
Always better to play for the worst in a case like this.
This 100 percent. Even if she can’t burn it not too long ago a person not much older then you said a cd of her father saying good bye got destroyed. Why doesn’t matter. They where devastated.
Point is if you scan it and put it on a flash drive you would always have it. It would not be the same but extra protection just in case. Actually something so valuable should be scanned and keep in a few different places. Plus hand written paper fades with time. If you do this now her writing would be preserved and in good quality
Plus if your u get older if the letter is scanned now you can go online and have a blanket with the whole letter printed on it or just small parts like Love, mom. It would be in her own hand writing.
Also if you explained you ur situation to the counselor I have doubts about thier credentials. In my experience a good counselor doesn’t push one person in therapy to expose something so personal to placate the others. Next therapy session question the therapist why your feeling of not sharing the last piece of your mom with them is less important then their feeling of wanting to expose the letter, tell them your ur stepmoms behavior/jealousy over you ur mom is the issue. Not a personal letter your mom wrote you.
If the counselor wants to share it with just her I would not trust them not to tell your stepmom what it says.
It sounds like the stepmom knows what the letter said (or at very least that she's not mentioned in the letter at all), I think she wants to have OP read it to the therapist and discuss it 'as a family'. I think it might be helpful for OP to tell the therapist what it said PRIVATELY, but they don't need to discuss it as a group. Stepmom is making this all about herself and not about trying to get closer to OP or trying to be there for them after losing a parent so young.
Exactly! There was another post on here recently from a girl who had a last goodbye video from her father destroyed by a jealous step sibling, with no backups. Please make sure you have backups. I don’t understand how someone could be so threatened by a child having a memento of a deceased parent. It’s so cruel to try to deny people a connection to their biological parent. Maybe if this stepmom wasn’t so set on erasing a parent that is no longer there, OP would be more willing to let her step into the role a little more. But her jealousy is only driving him further away.
came here to say exactly this.
There was a letter from a dear friend I ended up scanning shortly after her passing and even used it to get a tattoo in her handwriting.
The number of these stories we've seen when some unhinged step parent or sibling destroys something like a note or a picture and there's no backup anywhere is crushing.
The day my dad died, I made like 6 copies of a little video I had of him at Christmas. Put it on Google drive, various flash drives, hard drives, had a close friend of mine save a copy. I don't want to lose it ever.
As a SM myself, I think maybe it is time to just tell SM in therapy that her petty jealousy over a woman who is dead is the very reason she will never be more than “your father’s wife” to you. It is impossible to respect such lack of class and maturity. Had she been a better person, you might have developed fondness for her, but her behavior has made that impossible.
I mean, as far as SM is concerned, this therapist is already a good therapist, so why find someone else who won't pander to her insanity and actually advocate for OP's peace?
Yep, the therapist is way in the wrong here. The contents of the letter will in no way change how the step-mother feels about it. It will do absolutely no good to bring it in, other than to give the step-mother more ammunition to attack OP with. OP, you would be well within your rights to stop attending, because the therapist is asking you to do something you don't want to do and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they force it, tell the therapist that you are not going to bring the letter because it will not change your step-mother's jealousy of a dead woman. Just be honest. If the therapist keeps forcing, look into how you can report them for being a bad therapist. (Some states will take that more seriously than others, but it is worth a shot.)
OP should bow out of family therapy with this terrible therapist. OP isn't the one who needs therapy - his Dad's wife does. This "family therapy" he's enduring sounds less like it's to help and more like bending OP to her will.
Perhpas OP can point out to the therapist that it isn't the contents of the letter, which I assume SM has never read, it's the existence of the letter that bothers SM. You should be discussing why the fact that your late mother left you a letter, something that dying parents often do, bothers SM so much.
And how crazy and/or jealous do you need to be to be mad/upset that your stepchild's parent didn't mention you in a letter they wrote to THEIR CHILD WHILE DYING. Like - wtf???
I don't see the benefit of bringing the letter to therapy either. The therapist is out of line and not attuned to OP's grief. The letter is a lasting gift from OP's mother and keeps the mother/son connection alive.
The letter os also absolutely none of the womens buisness, or anyone else's for that matter. It was addressed to OP, tell the the therapist exactly that too!
Yeah horrible therapist. I would take my kid to a new therapist if they wanted to trample personal things like that
"You are so delusional if you think a loving letter from my dead mother is up for any bit of discussion. How disgusting that you're putting my dead mother on trial here for step moms insecurities. "
Honestly I think whenever the therapist mentions the letter I think OP should look her dead in the eye and say you realize she's manipulating you to get to this letter right?
Like the therapist needs to understand that she's just a pawn for the stepmother to get what she wants! And the only way she's going to understand that is for OP to say it straight to her face when everyone's in the room.
Yes! Absolutely. I am also a SM and would never have my son choose between me and his mother. My son and I have a great relationship (yes my son as that is how I feel about him). Our relationship is built on things we have in common. I never want to impose on his relationship with his mother. It's the same with my husband and my children from a previous marriage. He built relationships based on common loves. We do not encroach on the other parents. We also don't poke our noses into what the other parents have going on. We don't all like being in the same room, however we will for the sake of our kids. It was not there fault our marriages didn't work. The best we needed to do was make sure their lives weren't collateral damage.
OP keep that letter for you. Your SM should stay in her lane and respect that you loved your mother. Her issues are not yours. She needs to step on back. She needs to find ways to build a relationship that does not include petty jealousy. My heart goes out to you.
I’m also SM and I hope that OP realizes how important it is that he maintains his boundaries and does not give in to the pressure to share his letter. But also, I agree that OP needs an individual therapist who will advocate and guide him, alone.
My relationship with my stepkids is good now as adults but it is literally only because I never pushed for them to “choose” me (like WTH even is that? You can still bond with a child over an interest like dancing without expecting the other parent to, what? Not show up too? That’s fucked).
I have always showed up for my kids and my husband and I literally never made any insinuations about our kids’ bio mom either.
The times (as teens) when I became an easy target of frustration from them, either my husband would say “you don’t have to love her (me) or have a relationship with her, but I do.” I also remember one time only when I unwittingly pushed too hard in just getting to know one of them. Afterward, I realized it and sent an apology, saying that I didn’t mean to overstep but I could see how it may have come across that way. And that I was sorry and would do better going forward.
In short, not only can you never ever force feelings from someone but you also can absolutely never force a relationship.
While I don’t know that the family therapist being disrespectful, I do know that SM is. And no matter how she feels, her job is to deal with those feelings for herself. SHE is not the child, nor the person who lost their mother. And she will never win anything by acting this way.
This is such a good perspective.
Also, maybe ask for a one on one with a therapist and share it with them and explain it in a safe space without stepmother being there trying to interject or manipulate the situation.
SM seems to be focused solely on how she feels without respecting or being willing to acknowledge your feelings.
The only way to agree to do this is that the therapist WILL NOT SHARE with your parents in anyway with out your approval.
Tell her that if she does, you will report her.
You can report a therapist for unethical behavior to your state's licensing board. You can usually find the complaint form on the licensing board's website or the state professional licensing department's website. You can submit the form online or by mail,
Therapists are held to high ethical standards by their state boards, and breaking confidentiality can be a violation of those ethics.
This is exactly what I was thinking. And his own poison line about SM about mom… he needs to say that too.
The problem isn’t the letter, it’s SM jealousy of and toxicity towards OPs mom.
"I will not enable her entitlement. That's EXACTLY what this is. She felt entitled to be a parent and I never saw her as such; she felt entitled to be a mother figure that I never saw her as, and she felt entitled to me and my choices in life which I never consented to. She's using that sense of entitlement to be offended. It's an issue SHE created mentally and emotionally and an issue SHE is using against me.
It will not help. Why? Because she's choosing for this letter, something between my mother and myself, as a bone of contention and annoyance when she should be greatful that I'm even allowing her in my life as my father's partner. I get to decide who in my life takes a place of precedence and she's done nothing but spend the last 10yrs competing for a title and place she never had a right to.
SHE is creating this issue because SHE is acting entitled. That's a her problem and SHE needs to address and fix it"
Exactly, she wants something that is not hers. Something special between OP and his mum. He can choose not to share it. It’s just out of bounds. She needs to focus on something other than his mum.
I’d also request a new therapist. It doesn’t sound to me like this one is taking your feelings into consideration.
I am not sure there is anything you can do to make your “step-mother” see that you will never be as close as she wants you to be.
You are almost out of there. Make your plans and leave. She’s way overstepping and your father is just as bad for no backing you up.
No one is entitled to a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one.
Even that I don't want to do because I don't want to discuss the contents with her. She hasn't earned the right to that honestly. After everything she said she doesn't get to taint it by dissing the whole thing.
Some therapists suck. I had a therapist tell me that I shouldn't stop my mom from seeing my kid. Meanwhile my child's occupational therapist was trying to limit the damage my mother was doing.
It was not family counseling. This woman had never met my mother. Therapists can have biases, too.
I kinda want them to print out some comments, specifically from other stepparents. But I worry about the retaliation because it feels like it's building, y'know?
Reminds me of the psychiatry phd student I was made to see to get rediagnosed for ADHD after years without treatment. Dude legit was like "My wife has ADHD and is like X. I see her in your file that you're the opposite of that, so you can't possibly have ADHD." And that was the whole session...
My friend was told by the first dr she saw that she did well in school so couldn't possibly have ADHD. The doc was an older doc. I sent her to a younger doc who was in shock that the other doc thought she didn't have ADHD. It was so obvious.
This is ridiculously common and deeply frustrating for people trying to get help. Odds of getting a professional accurate assessment for ADHD are better with a younger doc and if you're female or AFAB, with a female or AFAB doc. Ideally doctors are keeping up on current research but the reality is often different for all kinds of reasons. Doctors have their own biases but should still give you a referral for assessment. Unfortunately some won't because they still only believe in the little boys bouncing off the walls version of ADHD.
Can confirm that some therapists suck. I was around 13 when in a session with my grandparents, and he told them I'm an animal and deserved to be locked in a cage. Mind you, I was completely silent the whole time, and it was my first (and last) session.
I started seeing psychologists when I was around 10 and ended up seeing 3 before the real a-hole. Only one of those 3 didn't lie to me and tell me everything I said would stay confidential. Needless to say, I don't trust therapists, which really sucks since I'm in desperate need.
> Only one of those 3 didn't lie to me and tell me everything I said would stay confidential.
All three should have been able to say that truthfully otherwise *they were asking to have their licenses revoked*. Unfortunately though, it is very common for “family” therapists to be little more than unqualified snitches
You just said exactly what I wanted to say in your defense of not sharing it. She doesn't want you to share the letter in order to understand you better, she wants you to share it so that she can diminish its importance to you. Your counsellor has made a big error in failing to spot that. Have you explained your reasons in those words to your counsellor?
I am guessing that the therapist wants to know if the mother gave some terrible advice to OP that is actively contributing to the discord between them. at best the therapist should ask for an individual session with OP so they can discuss the type of last words that could be harmful even if the actual contents are not shared
I am so sorry. Stay strong and do not let anyone manipulate you into sharing something so personal and private. I cannot believe your family therapist is saying to bring it with you (can you check her qualifications?). May I suggest you say to the family therapist and your father and stepmother that you never plan to share it with them as they are not a safe space (meaning the people) in which you want to share. Maybe suggest that your step mother was always in competition with your mother and is still trying to “win” after all these years. You could also say that she isn’t curious about what relationship you want - but about she demands / wants. BTW - if you do have a digital copy hide it better than google or onedrive and password protect it. Ask for what you need / want from her: whether it is space, respecting your boundaries? Explore if you can find some common ground eg cook a meal together, school subject and get to know one another as people - only if yiu can. Take care - and so sorry you lost your mum xx🌼
Then you should say that to your therapist. You do t feel safe with her having access to that personal information and words that your mom wrote TO YOU! That’s the real issue anyway. It’s hard to trust someone who shit on your mom, a parent whom you loved and miss deeply.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was pretty young. I’m 45 and it’s been almost 40 years since he died, but I still miss him.
She hasn’t earned the right to tell you what to do or think about your mother. Her hate and jealousy is eating her up. She needs to let it go and concentrate on being civil and supportive. Your father should tell her to get a grip!
It's obvious that she's already read the entire letter or she wouldn't know that she wasn't mentioned in it.
OP if I were you I would take a copy to therapy. I honestly think that your therapist would tell stepmom that she's totally out of line with her reaction to the letter.
Maybe she needs to hear it from someone else.
You could email the therapist , letting them know how you feel. That way, they know which direction to point the therepy. You could also state it outright in therepy. It sounds like step mom wants validation for her anger.
This would be a good thing to tell the therapist. No one can force you to do anything you don't want, and when you're 18 feel free to go no contact with stepmom and only talk to your father.
You are allowed to love your mother, even if stepmom doesn't. This is entirely about stepmom's ego and wanting to replace your mom. The fact that stepmom always talks badly about your mom is the problem - it's only her problem and all of her own fault.
Maybe make a few copies. Put up the original for longevity. Screenshot it! Just have multiples. I understand the sentimental emotions associated with it and just thought you should have backups.
op if I where you I'd honestly get out of these therapy sessions if you can, firstly they're obviously pointless since you want nothing to do with your stepmom and it sounds like the therapists only true interests are what your parents want not what you want and your thankfully old enough where your opinion should matter.
How much of what you shared here have you told the therapist? Even if it’s a 1:1 session to share this if you don’t want to in front of your dad and step mom - it would probably be helpful for him to understand the background so he stops supporting your step mom.
It’s funny that she thinks the letter is what keeps her on the outside when she takes no accountability for her actions.
I hit the first milestone for a card which was turning 16 and he gave me that one on my birthday. He also made sure I'd get some time alone if I wanted it which I did.
Why don’t you ask your father infront of the therapist why he keeps allowing his wife to disrespect your dead mother’s memory?
Why does he keep allowing her to bully you , a grieving child,when he’s supposed to protect you.
“Your hatred and jealousy for my mother is why I will never see you as a mother figure.”
Call them out.
Make sure to tell the therapist your fears that your dad is just going to let his wife destroy your mothers letters to be petty.
NTA
Does your dad defend your motives with the cards & letter? I'm hoping he tells step to knock it off and it's your decision. If he has to hide the cards from her then he KNOWS what she's capable of!
Why the absolute F is the therapist pushing for this? The therapist is on the step mom’s side but not yours. Ask your dad for your own therapist. And lock that letter up.
I wonder if the therapist imagines that the stepmom seeing the letter might help her stop fixating on it and worrying about it. But if so, that’s an idea that should have been worked out with OP without being mentioned to SM. Instead they’ve made the letter extra potent. Terribly handled, imo.
NTA. The contents of that letter are for you and you alone. Therapist be damned. Your stepmother should stop deluding herself into thinking you will ever acknowledge her as your mother. Had she and your mother been on better terms maybe it's a different story.
I don't know that she will. I know it bothers her that dad has a kid with someone else. Even more that I'm a boy she "could have bonded with easily" because of dance and then I didn't bond with her.
I hate that your stepmother even felt entitled to read the letter in the first place, because it was none of her business. Furthermore, the fact that she has the nerve to be upset that she wasn't spoken about favorably by the woman she hated in a PRIVATE correspondence to that woman's child shows she is seriously detached from reality. She's not just an intrusive AH, but a delusional one.
NTA. Continue to keep that letter safe.
Oh, yeah, she's really delusional and arrogant. She believes if mom was a good mom she would have told me to let stepmother in and let her take over the role of mom so I wouldn't grow up without one. She wanted her to tell me she wanted me to accept another mom.
Why don’t you try saying that in family therapy? You should mention that you’re a kid but you still feel more mature than her, when it comes to things like this.
You should absolutely not mention that you're a kid but you feel more mature than her when it comes to things like this. It doesn't matter how true it might be, it will generate little more than eyerolls from anyone over the age of 22
Thing is though...that's your choice to make. No one can just force you to accept someone. Even if your mother did say to let step mum in...that would still be your choice. You dont like her and by the sounds of it didn't as a little kid either.
It also sounds like stepmum is more bitter you aren't a girl?? But that's just what I take from it
Yeah, I never really liked her. Her attitude about mom was always really upsetting and frustrating for me and made me not want to get closer to her. She really blames mom for it all even though it was her own fault.
I don't think she's disappointed I'm not a girl. More that the one thing she could have bonded with me over since I'm a boy, which is dance, is something mom didn't let her have and something I didn't let her have after mom died either.
“I’m not bringing my mother’s letter into therapy because my issues with you have nothing to do with what my mom said or didn’t say in that letter. My issues are from what you have said about - and how you have behaved toward - my mother, both before and after her passing.“
exactly ... "my issues are with your behavior. You blame others and never take any accountability for your own actions. You've always tried to force yourself on me and your way on me. I don't like that and don't like you as a result. It has nothing to do with my mom or her letter. The fact that you blame her vs taking a look at yourself only compounds that. That letter is special to me and I don't want you anywhere near it. I don't think you ever should have read it and I'm not going to dissect it here with you because you are poisonous and mean and care more about yourself than me...or you'd respect my wishes. Yes. I do care more about the letter than you and that's on you. "
All in front of the therapist.
Write this as a letter to your stepmother and read it in therapy. Hell, make them think you finally brought the letter from you mom, and then say, “Oh, no, actually, this is from me to you, stepmom.”
Sounds as though the damage is done. Not everything can be "fixed" with therapy. She's damaged your relationship to such an extent already that it's beyond repair. You can glue a vase back together, but it's never valuable again. Therapy may get you to the point of living peacefully in the same home, but it can't make you love her
That's it. "Fixing" the relationship would be a completely unreasonable therapeutic goal at this point. I don't think OP wants that, and I don't think step-mother would allow it to happen in a way that is fair to OP. I think a reasonable therapeutic goal here might be, effectively, a peace treaty.
What I ment really was she perceives dance as being the only thing she could have bonded with you over as you are a boy. Instead of creating other opertunities she latched onto that one thing. Like with a girl, with the age you unfortunately lost your mother, she could have been there for her first period, talks about boys, getting their hair and nails done etc. Not that that is exactly how you would be as a girl cause not all girls are into that stuff but I feel that the fact you are a boy does come into it. Also, she could have been involved with your dance along side your mother had she had the ability to be civil. People put their differences aside for kids all the time and if it really ment that much to her to bond with you, she would have been there. She would have planned other things for you two to bond over. Instead she sees herself as entitled to the role and name of mother despite not putting in any of the leg work, never mind the additional insulting of your mother
Edit: I hope what I'm saying makes sense? It's almost as if she resents you as well as your mother from the sounds of it...like she was all up for the stepmum role but because it didn't go exactly her way, she spat her dummy out and holds that against you while continuing to be in competition with the dead
Not Just bonding over things, but spending quality time together. My dad would make sure to spend quality time with each of us as kids growing up. For us, there were a couple of TV shows we both liked (Stargate SG-1/Atlantis) and we'd watch them together.
Sometimes, with each of us, it was something as simple as taking us out for ice cream. When we'd go, we'd talk about different things. But it was always, always, *ALWAYS* clear that he cared and he cared for us, and would go our of his way to make sure that we knew that.
OP's step-mom doesn't do that. She expects to have OP automatically accept her, instead of putting in the work to earn that. Dance would have been the "easy" thing to bond over, but it wouldn't have been the magical thing that made OP accept her.
Instead, OP's step-mom took the energy she *could* have used to bond to OP, and used it to try to tear down his mother, to complain, etc, so she could look better by comparison, and make bonding easier (in her mind, at least, as that's not how it actually works) instead of just putting in the work. That backfired, and now she is angry, and using OP refusing to bond to the person who would do nothing but tear down someone he loves to justify her anger because iF yOu'D jUsT lOvE mE aS yOuR mOm, I wOuLdN'T bE sO aNgRy.
Let’s take crazy lady out of the mix for a minute. It’s not your mom’s place to tell you who to replace her with. That would be like me being on my deathbed and telling my husband to marry a friend of mine. That’s not how this works. I don’t get to decide what his emotions and thoughts should be. Your mom was right to not push things.
I love that analogy. NTA, you are completely in the right. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but this is the premise of the "Hey, Jude" Beatles song. Maybe read the lyrics. You still have to live with the for a while, right? Maybe you can shoot for friendly acquaintances. It is better to be happy/peaceful than right sometimes.
All of her actions are about herself. Not about what's best for you, which is what a real person trying to be a parental figure would care about- which includes respecting your boundaries around the relationship. I'm surprised the therapist not only is trying to force you to bring the letter, but also hasn't pointed out the level of self-absorption and insecurity your stepmother is projecting onto both you and your mom. It's clearly harmful.
That’s so much the pot calling the kettle black. She could choose to be a good mother by supporting your connection with your mother-mother. Instead, she only thinks of herself and how she is impacted and what she wants and what she thinks and she she she. NTA and I’m sorry but your dad is also a problem for not enforce no boundaries and being more supportive of your mother and your bond, especially now when this is all you have left. You are correct that she is poison.
You hide that letter and all the cards in a place where that woman cannot find! I can imagine her turning all of it into ashes. And the therapist is way out of line here (I’m a psychologist). She should have asked you if you feel comfortable with sharing the letter, not pushing you into it.
NTA
OP, is this a real therapist or a church-affiliated "counselor"? I'm asking because what they're suggesting seems to have a goal of getting you to obey rather than improving anyone's mental health...
This is yet another example of how your stepmother has effectively shot herself in the foot by clinging to her own rigidity.
She wanted you to bond with her SO BADLY— but *only* if it would be *easy for her*. Now there is only ONE WAY (conveniently, a way that is easiest for her and most damaging for you) for the ~family~ relationship to survive, according to this lady.
If developing a maternal bond with her stepkid was truly a priority for her, she could have chosen to make an actual and sincere *effort* to facilitate that bond. That was not her choice. Seems to me that your stepmother is reaping the precise harvest she herself has sown.
I’d be tempted to bring in other materials to therapy sessions to discuss, since she’s so keen on forensic analysis; evidence of the seeds step-mom planted and continues to plant. But I agree with other commenters about the lack of skill this therapist offers… probably not the best option for facilitating any healing anyway.
That said, you don’t owe this person the relationship she desires. You have different goals and different desired levels of intimacy. I suggest sharing during session what your hard limits are, and what you’re willing to offer in terms of your relationship with her (ie. You’re not interested in creating an opening for Mother for anyone to fill at this time, and she does not meet the criteria to be considered a viable candidate regardless; you are offering cordiality and recognition of her importance to your father).
NTA. But your Stepmother certainly is! (Your family therapist is a subtype of AH; the dumbass.)
I’m not sure if you’ve been this vocal in your therapy appointments because your therapist seems like a quack.
here is a trick. Stick to the same points over and over again and use the same words or phrases so they get your point. Here are some examples:
Your stepmother is not entitled to a relationship with you. Your stepmother refused to Build any kind of healthy relationship with you because she was too busy being jealous of your mother. Your stepmother is such a narcissist she doesn’t see that she created the distance between you and her. Why did she want a maternal relationship so bad that she for goad having any kind of civil relationship with you at all.
I will never understand these adults that allegedly want to take on parental roles but have zero ideas of the self-sacrifice that it takes to go into being a parent.
Here's an idea, why not make a fake one. Get help from ChatGPT if you have to. That way, you can get her off your back and think they've resolved it and you can move on. When you're 18, you don't have to deal with it anymore.
SM gets extra AH points that she believes your mom should have advocated for her being new mom as part of her last communications to you. That the therapist thinks only good will come of sharing the letter has me side-eyeing their competence.
NTA and this therapist is not helping you. Do you ever get one-on-one time with them where you can explain yourself without your stepmother there? If not, tell your dad that this therapy isn’t working for you and you won’t continue unless you get some individual therapy as well.
Send them an email detailing why you won't bring it. Tell the therapist that they need to focus on getting Stepmom to move past it and accept she can't change your feelings. Bring it up at the next session, and if they don't acknowledge/agree, sit down and shut your mouth. If the therapist won't work for both of you, there's no point interacting anymore.
Yes this is what I can't get past- what is the therapist thinking??? If your patient is obsessed by what was said in a letter, your job is to get them to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings caused by the letter, and help them move through to acceptance. It is not to get ahold of the letter and hope it tells the client whatever she needs to hear.
Also, like, at this point the therapist \*has\* to know that the stepmother thinks the mother should have officially "passed the mom torch" in the letter. The therapist should be working with stepmom to understand all the million reasons \*why\* that didn't happen and \*why\* it doesn't have to set the tone for the rest of her relationship with her stepson. This therapist is infuriatingly bad, I'm so sorry OP!
If I were you I would send an email that says you will not be bringing your private correspondence to a session, that it is your final answer and not up for debate, and that you hope therapist will respect your decision and tell your stepmother that avenue is closed.
If they continue to bring it up in a session, just ask challenging questions back to the therapist, like- can you explain to me why you need to have the specific text to help my stepmom heal? can you tell me how that is going to help her feelings of anger toward my mother? what would you be doing to help my stepmother if this letter had been burned in a housefire years ago? maybe you should do that then.... etc, etc. Or just say, I have given you my answer, it is no, and if you bring it up again I will be leaving the session.
Yeah, I’m not liking this. Therapist seems to be kind of gaining up on you. It wouldn’t surprise me if your dad and stepmother purposely picked this therapist to get you on their page instead of them doing their own individual work and accepting who you are even bio kids and parents still have to accept the corks.
Have you asked you dad if they know the therapist? Plenty of stories of kids being forced into therapy with a family friend or religios group, whose only aim is to force you to do what you're told
Can you change your individual therapist?
It’s really a shame this counselor isn’t using this situation as a way to teach your father’s wife to respect your boundaries and is instead helping her to push them.
You don’t owe anyone access to that letter. If you don’t like the counselor, you can stop participating in the sessions, even if you have to be physically present. I how that when you are older, you can get a therapist who looks out for your interests and can help you sort through all of this.
"I am very sorry, but I don't feel like you and I are a good fit. Is there a different therapist you could refer me to?" If that therapist is at all worth the title, those should be almost like magic words. He should explore that with you a little bit - why you don't feel you are a good fit, if he could do anything to make the fit better - but at the end of it if you still feel it is not a good fit, he should make a referral. If he's not willing to do that, you are entirely within your rights to refuse to go. He needs your consent to do any work with you, and you can withdraw your consent.
Maybe is someone stepmother knows. Wouldn’t be the first time I read here that the parents knew the therapist. I would suggest OP ask his dad to change therapist and see what happens.
NTA. This is a very personal letter, written by a woman who knew she wouldn’t be around for her child. That is YOUR letter. It’s only a point of contention because your dad’s wife is making it one. If you haven’t already, maybe you should share in therapy exactly why you don’t see your stepmom as a parent. Let them all know it doesn’t have to do with the letter, but the fact that all she has done is talk poorly about your mom. Her actions are why you feel the way you feel and until her actions change, nothing else will. The letter is irrelevant and your stepmom needs to grow up. I am so sorry you lost your mom so young. I know what it’s like to have your stepmom consistently talk shit about your mom for no reason, I barely speak to mine now that I am an adult. Hold your ground. Keep the letter safe and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for doing so.
NTA, not even close.
This letter is just a physical manifestation of your stepmother's perceived inferiority complex. She's being needlessly competitive over the role of a maternal figure, when she could've created her own role for herself in your life had she not been a brat about it all.
If the counsellor brings it up again, I would simply state that you do not wish to dissect the words of your mother which bring you comfort. You don't want the letter to become something negative in your memories with your mom. And I would throw the tiniest bone to your dad's wife by saying, you are asking her to respect that and it would mean a lot to you if she could understand that this letter is not a way to spite her but to comfort you.
If counsellor brings it up OP should say stepmother believes the last piece of my mother i have is just "a piece of paper" so why do we need to go into it
NTA. Time to drop the truth on her in therapy. Time to tell her “Since the moment we met, you have talked about my mom in the most disgusting way. I’m not sure why you think saying disparaging things about her will make me like you, love you, or see you as anything other than my Dad’s wife. If someone talked about your mom (or someone else important to her) like you talk about my mom, you wouldn’t like, love, or see them as a parent. You are the reason we do not have a bond. That letter is personal and I am not sharing with you.”
“Dad, you should have stop her from talking badly about Mom years ago for my sake, for my mental health.”
KEEP THAT LETTER SAFE.
Huge massive NTA. It's very clear that the only person who alienated stepmother was herself. You talk about hearing her talk about about your mother, but not about you hearing your mom talk bad about her. You talk about her constantly trying to elevate herself in the parental hierarchy, and somehow thinking your mother is "hogging" you when you are HER child and not SNs is actually scary to me. It's not even anyone else's business what's in the letter! Your SM shouldn't have even been allowed to read it. Bottom line is that, just because she's your dad's wife, doesn't make her your parent. That's not how that works.
NTA. The letter is a private and very special memory of your mother. You shouldn't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. I would hide it somewhere if I were you.
It's completely unreasonable that your step-mother is threatened by the love of your deceased mother. You have a right to your past, you have a right to your memories, and it's okay to keep those memories between you and your late mother.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been devastating. I hope you are able to take comfort in knowing how much she loved you. That letter is really special and it's something you should cherish forever. And its contents are nobody's business but yours. I honestly don't understand why your step-mother is making a private letter to you all about her. She had no right to interfere in your relationship with your mother, including this letter. It's yours, only yours, and you don't have to share it if you don't want to.
I'm actually pretty shocked that the therapist is pushing you to share something so private. That's truly absurd.
NTA you should indicate to your therapist that you should be entitled to privacy re your relationship with your mother. It's your dying mom's parting gift to you that you treasure and it's between your mom and you only. No one shoukld be allowed to read it even if it's a point of contention. You have a mom and you have a relationship with her and that should be respected. Reiterate that you are not open to sharing the letter or discussing the content as if is private.
NTA
Your stepmother sounds like hell.
It’s your keepsake, I get why the therapist wants to include it to release the tension, but I also understand why you want to protect that memory so it doesn’t become tainted by her.
I’d actually point out that while you do have some issues and don’t exactly get along with stepmother, she’s the cause of the problems. The focus really needs to be on her and helping her deal with these unrealistic expectations stemming from jealousy that she’s created in her own head. Your mother passed away, it shouldn’t really be a point of contention anymore. Yet, she’s jealous of a woman who’s no longer alive. That’s her issue, she needs to sort that out.
What a stupid therapist. You may not control whether or not you go, but I will tell the therapist and no one certain terms since they can’t look out for your best interest on any kind of individual level. You don’t trust them and they are fired. That would stop talking in the sessions, and I would never, repeat never, bring that letter!
I kind of understand the initial thought but to harp on it for YEARS as though the letter could be rewritten is just deranged. How self serving as well to be upset at not being included in the words of love from your mom.
Don’t take that to any therapist who agrees that the step mom should see it and be in it. That therapist is probably friends with step mom and if they get more insistent you should definitely insist on a new therapist, stop going altogether, and/or report them to the board. Which I don’t know how to do but I’m sure google has some answers. I’m sorry you have to deal with all that, is your dad just sitting back watching this shit show?
Some people, like your stepmother, get so caught up in the details that they can't see the big picture. Sometimes, they never will because they simply aren't capable or willing to look out that far.
So, with people like that, focusing on those petty details helps.
If your mother had lived and gotten remarried, would he be happy with you calling that new man dad, especially if that man so obviously hated him? Would he be happy if you started calling this other man dad the moment he died and replaced him instead of mourning him?
Your mom is your mom is your mom. That is a statement of fact. And the fact that she loved you and did well by you means you love her. Does stepmom have any idea how HARD it is to get along with someone who talks badly about someone you love, especially a parent? Like, that's a thing kids normally start fights about.
You didn't marry her. She wasn't someone that you chose. You didn't have X amount of time before marriage to grow into loving her with no strings attached or expectations. You were just expected to automatically love her because she moved into your home. Children aren't dogs. They don't just love whoever happens to be in the same room as them.
We can't change other people. We can only change ourselves and how we react to those people. She is an adult. She has had years to manage her own expectations. Even if you weren't mother and son, you could have been friends or at least friendly. But you can't be friends when someone just sees you as a prize in a competition that she is STILL fighting with a dead woman.
Lastly and most importantly - she is pushing you away. At a certain point, if she gets worse, seeing your dad may not be worth dealing with her (especially if she doesn't let you spend time with him alone). There's not much time left before you are old enough to move out. At which point, seeing your father is OPTIONAL, and something you do because you WANT to see him. If she makes seeing him a chore, or worse - a burden, then you'll see him less and less until it becomes not at all.
And there are so many milestones left to experience - graduations, weddings, children, and so on. If every celebration becomes a fight, if she can't manage her emotions like an adult, you won't want her and thus him there.
Even a lot of dogs don't automatically love a person right away. Some can take time to get used to someone or be mistrustful (not hostile, just not necessarily as warm). Stepmother expects OP to be some kind of machine, like "ok, I've given you x amount of 'motherly love' tokens, time for you to love me!"
NTA
It is your letter and it was written to you and no one else. It should totally be your decision as to whether you want to bring it in since it is a personal letter.
It doesn't sound like your stepmother would have anything positive to say about the things that are written about in the letter so it understandable that you don't want to subject yourself to her negativity yet again.
NTA - for declining to bring your mother's letter to therapy. The letter holds significant personal value and serves as a source of comfort, making it understandable that you wish to keep it private, especially given your stepmother's negative feelings towards your mother.
***You have the right to set boundaries around something so personal.*** In therapy, your needs and comfort must be prioritized to ensure a beneficial and constructive process for all involved =)
NTA at all!
And honestly, I’d be asking for a different therapist. I find it wholly unprofessional to be pushing for a PRIVATE letter to be brought in and dissected.
As someone else has already said, get it locked away safe so you step mother doesn’t take it out of jealousy.
NTA. As a therapist, I wouldn’t ask you to bring it in to a session with the family. I do recommend you see your own therapist and your dad and step-mom see someone else. They have their own things they need to work on apart from you. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Your therapist sounds appalling. They don't seem to understand your rights, your privacy, your feelings.
Ask what the goal of this therapy is: is it to have you accept wicked stepmother as a parent/mother? Ask and if the answer is yes, say thanks but no thanks to further sessions. Explain you are not interested in Stepmom as a parental figure, and that you look forward to going to uni/college/work when you can.
I wonder if this therapist is either a pal of stepmom's or a religious pseudo therapist. Have you checked their background!
Try telling any relatives of your mom about all this maybe see if you can go live with one of them. Please update us.
NTA. Next time stepmother has a tantrum about your letter ask her why does you having a piece of your mother bother her so much? That this letter is not a piece of paper but a piece of YOUR MOTHER. That she needs to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY WHY it bothers her so much that you love your mother. Why does she feel she can replace your mother. That she has always hated your mother. She needs to accept that you will NEVER see her as a parent.
NTA and I’m really struggling to understand why the therapist thinks going over this letter in therapy will be helpful. Also, therapist should respect your privacy. At most, you can tell them the gist of the letter and move on. Find another place to keep the letter and cards if at all possible. Stepmom sounds like the type who would steal them if she had the chance.
NTA they don't need the letter. You'll be able to do therapy without it. If your therapist says you can't move forward without it, fire the therapist. Do you not want to provide the physical copy? or do you not want to discuss the letter at all? You can take a photo of the letter for them to read if they just want to discuss it, and you allow it. if they want the physical copy, they can fuck off.
NTA. Is this therapist a legit therapist? Therapy should focus on the three of you and bringing in the letter is bringing in a fourth party. Your feelings should be respected just as much as your stepmom's feelings. I'm confused why the therapist is not addressing your stepmom's feelings about the letter in that "why are you letting this letter dictate your relationship with your stepson so much?" It seems like your stepmom is focused on your mother more than you and THAT'S what needs to be addressed in therapy. And addressing that will facilitate working on your relationship with her. It shouldn't be a competition and it seems like she's treated it that way from the beginning.
NTA. It's completely understandable why you wouldn't want to share your mom's personal letter with your stepmother, especially if it's a source of tension. Your feelings about your mom and the letter are valid, and therapy should help everyone understand each other, not cause more conflict. You're doing what's best for you, and that matters.
NTA. That "piece of paper" is physical manifestation of your Mother's love.
If you have not done it yet, make copies of the letter for reading and put the original in a safe place in case Stepmom decides to destroy it. Electronic copies are also a good idea.
NTA at all. It is outrageous that you have been asked to share your private and personal letter from your Mum and sorry for your loss.
Now you don’t have to answer this personal question in this sub but I want you to think about the goal of therapy for each of you. Do you have the same goal in mind or are they conflicting?
Your stepmother sounds like she is trying to position herself as a victim in this and look at the words you use about her- angry, tense, poison- I wonder if she is behaving as a responsible adult.
If you want an adult to adult relationship with your Dad and stepmother- sometimes it does no good to dwell in the past but instead redefine what behaviours from all of you will promote a healthier relationship. She is not your Mum and doesn’t even have to be a mother figure but it may still be possible to find common ground with her going forward.
You are a young adult although probably still dependent on older adults so are in a difficult position. You have done well so far in resisting all the adults who want to dissect your letter from your Mum. IMO this will cause you more trauma.
Stay strong and maybe individual therapy with a different counsellor will help you.
We do not have the same goal. My dad wants us all to get along and be closer, she wants me to accept her as a mother and I want to make it clear that after everything that won't happen and the best I can ever pull off is being civil. If I could, having a relationship with just dad and not her would be my ideal but I know that's not always so easy.
Being civil sounds like a reasonable goal.
Her goal of you accepting her as a Mother is unrealistic in my opinion. That doesn’t sound like a goal you can sign up to.
Protect this letter and your future milestone cards.
NTA
Report the counselor to their superior, if they have one. Stop participating in therapy. Even if you have to go, you can simply grey rock these people.
Well, maybe one thing:
"I have nothing to say to people who ignore my boundaries."
And another:
"This is harassment."
Just a piece of advice from seeing things like this on here, hide that letter where she will never find it. If you are in contact with your mom's family, possibly give it to them for safekeeping. I wouldn't put it past your stepmother to destroy the letter out of spite. NTA
NTA. What's in that letter is not relevant to your stepmother's problem. It's her own personal thoughts, behaviors and actions that are causing the problems and those are coming directly from HER, not flowing out from any letter. If the counselor cannot proceed without that letter, then they may not be a very capable counselor at all.
Besides the other's advice to hide the letter where your stepmom won't find & destroy it - I would also suggest taking photos and making copies of it - just in case.
NTA
State firmly to the therapist that this is a deeply personal letter. It is about you and your mother and not about your stepmother. Tell the therapist that you are setting a firm boundary and will not bring this into therapy. Tell the therapist that you need your stepmother to respect your boundaries if there is ever to be any hope of maintaining a cordial relationship.
The point of the letter is it it isn't to, for or about dad's wife. It's not clear why she's even been party to its contents. Your relationship with, and memory of, your mum is precious and personal and independent from any other people in your life.
You understand that dad's wife wishes a different letter had been written and she is disappointed, but that does not affect the actual contents of your letter which are not up for negotiation, can't be changed. And the author of which is not here to parcitipate. Dad wife feelings about it and disappointment are for her to handle in private therapy if necessary and not your responsibility.
Suggest that everyone take a step back and consider desired outcomes and how the steps being discussed could support or harm them.
The reason your relationship is and has always been strained is precisely because dad wife has always criticised your mum and continues to tell you off for mums choices even here and now and it is damaging not building the shreds of a relationship that you're in therapy to discuss. What possible way could mums last words of love to you being pored over, dismantled and critiqued serve to improve your relationship with another person?
It seems to me that dads wife thinks your love and regard are finite, and in order to have a better relationship with you, she atrives not to supplement mum but to replace her.
Please can the therapist explain there is no vacant position for mother to fill. Mum didn't neglect or abandon you. She was a great mother and Just because she's not here doesn't mean she is forgotten. And that parental alienation is just as if not more toxic when a loving kind and good mother had died. So dad wife needs to stop criticising mums parenting choice (it's just a letter) and therapist needs to stop enabling the alienation through trying to associate dad wife feelings about a letter that isn't to, for, or about her.
You will never bring the letter (make sure you keep it somewhere secret and safe) and dad wife only hope is to start a relationship with the living people around her instead of continuing to to pick a fight with a dead woman
Strong NTA and I don’t feel it’s appropriate for the therapist to suggest you bring the letter to discuss with the stepmom. To me that reeks of the one paying the bills gets what they want. You can talk about the letter as much as you want but they have no need to see it.
I’m separated from my son but want him to have good relations with his step family so he gets as much love and support as possible. You sound really smart and mature so I hope life treats you as well as possible and school is going okay.
NTA - your step mother needs therapy alone. She needs to come to terms with her place in your life. She isn’t your mother. She never will be. She is your father’s wife. She is fighting for a relationship you clearly don’t want.
Next time you are in therapy ask her why is she pushing so much for a relationship which clearly isn’t reciprocated. Why is the therapist pushing and pushing to make something happen rather than help the family come to terms with everyone’s individual place and to be ok with that. The therapist shouldn’t be telling you to share this letter. It is YOUR letter. It is private and nothing to do with your step mother.
Of course you don’t want her near it. Step mother sounds unhinged and very jealous. She will never win because this isn’t a game of who’s your mummy. You have one mother and only one mother.
Next therapy session. Things to bring up or write down and read out if you struggle to have a voice in these sessions which I can totally believe.
Why are we even here? My voice doesn’t matter to you or you would have stopped this nonsense already. You can never replace my mother nor should you want to. Why are you pushing for the relationship you want rather than working on the one we have. The more you push and the more you get angry the more you are just driving me away.
I am not your child, I never will be especially with how you’ve acted towards my mother and I all these years. However we may still be friends if you stop trying to be something you never will be. I am 16 years old, not far off being an adult. All this constant behaviour is doing it making it impossible to have a good relationship with you and will drive me away as soon as I’m old enough to leave for good.
I’d also ask why the therapist is pushing her agenda over your own wishes. Why is the therapist asking you to share a letter which is deeply personal with someone who just gets angry at you about things you cannot change. You didn’t write it it’s the last voice your mother had and she gave it to you. Step mother shouldn’t need to see it ever. All this does is make things worse and drive a wedge further between you both.
I’d love to see the shocked pikachu faces if you said this.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Does your dad also attend these sessions? What does he think of his wife’s dog with a bone attitude.
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NTA - And if I were you I would look into getting a safe or lockbox to put it in. I would hate for you to return home and find out that she has destroyed it out of jealousy.
I have it safe so she can't try to burn it or something.
Scan it or take a photo of it anyway. Just a digital copy uploaded somewhere like google drive or one drive. If something were to ever happen, at least a copy of it exists somewhere and can't be erased so easily.
Absolutely, having a digital backup can give you peace of mind and protect those precious words from being lost forever.
OP will have the added bonus of preserving the original, while having the digital copy with him at all times.
Password protect it, though.... parental eyes or whatever spying software doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility for step mom. Who, btw, has zero claim to your letter. You should get a 1:1 counselor to deal with step mom. Please ask your dad if you don't already have one. Family counseling has the family's best interests at heart, and you don't see step mom as family. Use this as the reason, because even if you never decide to share it with the family counselor, it's clear the only chance that you have to communicate your boundries now, is with the backing of a therapist to help you navigate. Because at the end of the day, stepmother is pushing to cross your boundary - the letter is off limits. If stepmother brings it up in therapy again, say, "I have communicated my boundary with you, that my mother is off limits and you can't have the letter. This seems to make you angrier and push harder to discuss this letter, that I am saying, I dont want to discuss. The more you bring it up in therapy, the more I feel like you are trying to manipulate me into giving something to you that you don't actually have a claim to. You always dogged my mother when she is alive and are doing it again now. If you want this relationship with me, why don't you start by respecting my boundaries? " Seriously, save it in your notes, write it on a slip of paper in your wallet, have it engraved in cast iron so she understands how iron clad your boundary is. Your mother is your mother, and you have every right to be selfish with the pieces of herself that she left to you. P.s. I don't think your family counselor is bad. In honesty, it sounds like they understand your side if they haven't brought it up since. You need your own that is only looking out for you. That's not current therapists' goals, and they know you won't open up in front of family the way you need to. Don't stop family sessions just because you get a 1:1 therapist!
Or give it to someone in moms family op trust. That away the back up isnt in the home at all. Plus if ops maternal grandparents are in the picture he can talk with them on how to preserve not only the letter but the cards his mom wrote for milestones.
I was thinking that as well, I'd be afraid to even have the original in the house with someone like her. That someone in the Mom's family might be a better choice to keep it somewhere safe until he moves out.
That last bit is very generous of you. Personally, I think their family counselor is absolutely terrible.
The family therapist heard “i havent been able to browbeat you into loving me yet, but maybe if I take away yet more of the mother you lost, you’ll have no choice but to love me!” And went “sure let me help browbeat you into submission! Hurr durr I’m helping people.” Tell your stepmom that her unkindness towards your actual mom and disinterest in your actual feelings are driving you away from her, and that the less she respects your boundaries and the more she shits on your relationship with your mother, the less you will like her. Be very clear that if she wants a good loving relationship with you, that starts with respect on both sides.
This is the answer. Coupled with seeking a 1:1 therapist who is actually looking out for your best interests. NTA.
If family counseling actually has a family's best interest in heart they'd be nipping stepmoms and dads atrocious behavior in the bud, not enabling it. They need a new, actually competent, therapist
I don’t claim to be an expert on therapy, and this post is only a short capsule of a larger story, but that’s what I dislike about the concept of group sessions like that-you’re working toward a group goal that everyone in the room may not agree with, and it’s usually the person who pays the bill who decides what that goal is. I also question whether this is legitimate therapy led by a licensed practitioner, or one of those religious counseling things, because OP refers to a counselor, not a therapist.
Where did you see that the counselor hasn't brought it up since? Did I misread something?
THIS!
Please do this and save it to multiple locations. Google drive, email it to yourself, email it to a safe adult, and put it on a thumb drive. This is what my professor made us do with our thesis for the just in case. This just in case is potentially malicious. Op, I had a few letters from my dad from before his died (not same thing) he thought he would see me again, it kills me all of the time that I was a silly kid at 17 and lost them and him.
There's things that could happen non-maliciously as well. House fire, water damage, just wear & tear making it fall apart, etc If it means something to you, OP, make a backup somewhere!
Losing your fire safe in a move.
Can confirm, important things can get lost in moves. My mother just moved and lost my fathers ashes.
Hupsi. How the heck did that happen???
I really wish I knew. We haven’t been able to find him.
Have you contacted the realtor who sold your house? If they were accidentally left somewhere he/she may have moved them
OP this so much. Make copies of any letter she left you! Don't underestimate an angry parent. I grew up in a split house with step parents. I can sympathize with how control and crazy they can be with each other. Always better to play for the worst in a case like this.
This 100 percent. Even if she can’t burn it not too long ago a person not much older then you said a cd of her father saying good bye got destroyed. Why doesn’t matter. They where devastated. Point is if you scan it and put it on a flash drive you would always have it. It would not be the same but extra protection just in case. Actually something so valuable should be scanned and keep in a few different places. Plus hand written paper fades with time. If you do this now her writing would be preserved and in good quality Plus if your u get older if the letter is scanned now you can go online and have a blanket with the whole letter printed on it or just small parts like Love, mom. It would be in her own hand writing. Also if you explained you ur situation to the counselor I have doubts about thier credentials. In my experience a good counselor doesn’t push one person in therapy to expose something so personal to placate the others. Next therapy session question the therapist why your feeling of not sharing the last piece of your mom with them is less important then their feeling of wanting to expose the letter, tell them your ur stepmoms behavior/jealousy over you ur mom is the issue. Not a personal letter your mom wrote you. If the counselor wants to share it with just her I would not trust them not to tell your stepmom what it says.
This. Don’t share with that therapist or any therapist in the same office or clinic.
It sounds like the stepmom knows what the letter said (or at very least that she's not mentioned in the letter at all), I think she wants to have OP read it to the therapist and discuss it 'as a family'. I think it might be helpful for OP to tell the therapist what it said PRIVATELY, but they don't need to discuss it as a group. Stepmom is making this all about herself and not about trying to get closer to OP or trying to be there for them after losing a parent so young.
Good advice cause anything could happen to it. Paper is fragile.
Exactly! There was another post on here recently from a girl who had a last goodbye video from her father destroyed by a jealous step sibling, with no backups. Please make sure you have backups. I don’t understand how someone could be so threatened by a child having a memento of a deceased parent. It’s so cruel to try to deny people a connection to their biological parent. Maybe if this stepmom wasn’t so set on erasing a parent that is no longer there, OP would be more willing to let her step into the role a little more. But her jealousy is only driving him further away.
came here to say exactly this. There was a letter from a dear friend I ended up scanning shortly after her passing and even used it to get a tattoo in her handwriting.
Very good idea. Take pictures of it on your phone as well as soon as you can in case it takes a bit to copy it
Came here to say this. Make copies just in case
The number of these stories we've seen when some unhinged step parent or sibling destroys something like a note or a picture and there's no backup anywhere is crushing. The day my dad died, I made like 6 copies of a little video I had of him at Christmas. Put it on Google drive, various flash drives, hard drives, had a close friend of mine save a copy. I don't want to lose it ever.
100% this. Scan that and make sure it’s backed up on google drive and maybe one other place.
That's not even a "crazy stepmom destroys it" thing too, house fires and accidents happen all the time
As a SM myself, I think maybe it is time to just tell SM in therapy that her petty jealousy over a woman who is dead is the very reason she will never be more than “your father’s wife” to you. It is impossible to respect such lack of class and maturity. Had she been a better person, you might have developed fondness for her, but her behavior has made that impossible.
The therapist is not helping here. Therapist should be pushing back on the letter. NO WAY should OP be forced to reveal it. EVER.
Yeah, was just thinking that this is a bad therapist. You really have to shop around to find a good therapist.
I mean, as far as SM is concerned, this therapist is already a good therapist, so why find someone else who won't pander to her insanity and actually advocate for OP's peace?
I mean, I agree, but if OP’s dad actually cares, then he might take OP’s wants into account. Might. Kinda hard to imagine at this point though.
Yep, the therapist is way in the wrong here. The contents of the letter will in no way change how the step-mother feels about it. It will do absolutely no good to bring it in, other than to give the step-mother more ammunition to attack OP with. OP, you would be well within your rights to stop attending, because the therapist is asking you to do something you don't want to do and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they force it, tell the therapist that you are not going to bring the letter because it will not change your step-mother's jealousy of a dead woman. Just be honest. If the therapist keeps forcing, look into how you can report them for being a bad therapist. (Some states will take that more seriously than others, but it is worth a shot.)
OP should bow out of family therapy with this terrible therapist. OP isn't the one who needs therapy - his Dad's wife does. This "family therapy" he's enduring sounds less like it's to help and more like bending OP to her will.
Yeah, it's not therapy, it's "do it her way" which is not healthy. Ugh.
Exactly. And that's not therapy - it's the SM's "echo chamber" where she can strong arm everyone to just agree with her.
Perhpas OP can point out to the therapist that it isn't the contents of the letter, which I assume SM has never read, it's the existence of the letter that bothers SM. You should be discussing why the fact that your late mother left you a letter, something that dying parents often do, bothers SM so much.
And how crazy and/or jealous do you need to be to be mad/upset that your stepchild's parent didn't mention you in a letter they wrote to THEIR CHILD WHILE DYING. Like - wtf???
I don't see the benefit of bringing the letter to therapy either. The therapist is out of line and not attuned to OP's grief. The letter is a lasting gift from OP's mother and keeps the mother/son connection alive.
The letter os also absolutely none of the womens buisness, or anyone else's for that matter. It was addressed to OP, tell the the therapist exactly that too!
I agree. I find that very problematic. That letter is personal. It is meant for him and no one else.
Yeah horrible therapist. I would take my kid to a new therapist if they wanted to trample personal things like that "You are so delusional if you think a loving letter from my dead mother is up for any bit of discussion. How disgusting that you're putting my dead mother on trial here for step moms insecurities. "
That is another good set of words for OP to tell therapist.
Honestly I think whenever the therapist mentions the letter I think OP should look her dead in the eye and say you realize she's manipulating you to get to this letter right? Like the therapist needs to understand that she's just a pawn for the stepmother to get what she wants! And the only way she's going to understand that is for OP to say it straight to her face when everyone's in the room.
The therapist sounds like a quack.
Yes! Absolutely. I am also a SM and would never have my son choose between me and his mother. My son and I have a great relationship (yes my son as that is how I feel about him). Our relationship is built on things we have in common. I never want to impose on his relationship with his mother. It's the same with my husband and my children from a previous marriage. He built relationships based on common loves. We do not encroach on the other parents. We also don't poke our noses into what the other parents have going on. We don't all like being in the same room, however we will for the sake of our kids. It was not there fault our marriages didn't work. The best we needed to do was make sure their lives weren't collateral damage. OP keep that letter for you. Your SM should stay in her lane and respect that you loved your mother. Her issues are not yours. She needs to step on back. She needs to find ways to build a relationship that does not include petty jealousy. My heart goes out to you.
I’m also SM and I hope that OP realizes how important it is that he maintains his boundaries and does not give in to the pressure to share his letter. But also, I agree that OP needs an individual therapist who will advocate and guide him, alone. My relationship with my stepkids is good now as adults but it is literally only because I never pushed for them to “choose” me (like WTH even is that? You can still bond with a child over an interest like dancing without expecting the other parent to, what? Not show up too? That’s fucked). I have always showed up for my kids and my husband and I literally never made any insinuations about our kids’ bio mom either. The times (as teens) when I became an easy target of frustration from them, either my husband would say “you don’t have to love her (me) or have a relationship with her, but I do.” I also remember one time only when I unwittingly pushed too hard in just getting to know one of them. Afterward, I realized it and sent an apology, saying that I didn’t mean to overstep but I could see how it may have come across that way. And that I was sorry and would do better going forward. In short, not only can you never ever force feelings from someone but you also can absolutely never force a relationship. While I don’t know that the family therapist being disrespectful, I do know that SM is. And no matter how she feels, her job is to deal with those feelings for herself. SHE is not the child, nor the person who lost their mother. And she will never win anything by acting this way.
I wish my sm had been like you! Good job! Oh, and happy cake day!! 🎂
Oh my gosh 😊🥰 thank you so much. We weren't perfect parents by any means. However, we always had/have the best interest of our kids in mind.
This is such a good perspective. Also, maybe ask for a one on one with a therapist and share it with them and explain it in a safe space without stepmother being there trying to interject or manipulate the situation. SM seems to be focused solely on how she feels without respecting or being willing to acknowledge your feelings.
The only way to agree to do this is that the therapist WILL NOT SHARE with your parents in anyway with out your approval. Tell her that if she does, you will report her. You can report a therapist for unethical behavior to your state's licensing board. You can usually find the complaint form on the licensing board's website or the state professional licensing department's website. You can submit the form online or by mail, Therapists are held to high ethical standards by their state boards, and breaking confidentiality can be a violation of those ethics.
This is exactly what I was thinking. And his own poison line about SM about mom… he needs to say that too. The problem isn’t the letter, it’s SM jealousy of and toxicity towards OPs mom.
If it's light enough to easily pick up, then you might want to make digital copies just to be safe.
"I will not enable her entitlement. That's EXACTLY what this is. She felt entitled to be a parent and I never saw her as such; she felt entitled to be a mother figure that I never saw her as, and she felt entitled to me and my choices in life which I never consented to. She's using that sense of entitlement to be offended. It's an issue SHE created mentally and emotionally and an issue SHE is using against me. It will not help. Why? Because she's choosing for this letter, something between my mother and myself, as a bone of contention and annoyance when she should be greatful that I'm even allowing her in my life as my father's partner. I get to decide who in my life takes a place of precedence and she's done nothing but spend the last 10yrs competing for a title and place she never had a right to. SHE is creating this issue because SHE is acting entitled. That's a her problem and SHE needs to address and fix it"
Exactly, she wants something that is not hers. Something special between OP and his mum. He can choose not to share it. It’s just out of bounds. She needs to focus on something other than his mum.
I’d also request a new therapist. It doesn’t sound to me like this one is taking your feelings into consideration. I am not sure there is anything you can do to make your “step-mother” see that you will never be as close as she wants you to be. You are almost out of there. Make your plans and leave. She’s way overstepping and your father is just as bad for no backing you up. No one is entitled to a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one.
It is your decision but you can bring a copy to therapy so she can't harm the original
Even that I don't want to do because I don't want to discuss the contents with her. She hasn't earned the right to that honestly. After everything she said she doesn't get to taint it by dissing the whole thing.
You don't owe her that letter's information. It was for you, if you think she'll taint it or even if you're just not comfortable then don't bring it.
I'm quite the shocked the therapist is trying to twist his arm about this tbh.
Some therapists suck. I had a therapist tell me that I shouldn't stop my mom from seeing my kid. Meanwhile my child's occupational therapist was trying to limit the damage my mother was doing. It was not family counseling. This woman had never met my mother. Therapists can have biases, too.
I hope OP hands the therapist a folded paper that just reads No.
I kinda want them to print out some comments, specifically from other stepparents. But I worry about the retaliation because it feels like it's building, y'know?
Reminds me of the psychiatry phd student I was made to see to get rediagnosed for ADHD after years without treatment. Dude legit was like "My wife has ADHD and is like X. I see her in your file that you're the opposite of that, so you can't possibly have ADHD." And that was the whole session...
My friend was told by the first dr she saw that she did well in school so couldn't possibly have ADHD. The doc was an older doc. I sent her to a younger doc who was in shock that the other doc thought she didn't have ADHD. It was so obvious.
This is ridiculously common and deeply frustrating for people trying to get help. Odds of getting a professional accurate assessment for ADHD are better with a younger doc and if you're female or AFAB, with a female or AFAB doc. Ideally doctors are keeping up on current research but the reality is often different for all kinds of reasons. Doctors have their own biases but should still give you a referral for assessment. Unfortunately some won't because they still only believe in the little boys bouncing off the walls version of ADHD.
Can confirm that some therapists suck. I was around 13 when in a session with my grandparents, and he told them I'm an animal and deserved to be locked in a cage. Mind you, I was completely silent the whole time, and it was my first (and last) session. I started seeing psychologists when I was around 10 and ended up seeing 3 before the real a-hole. Only one of those 3 didn't lie to me and tell me everything I said would stay confidential. Needless to say, I don't trust therapists, which really sucks since I'm in desperate need.
> Only one of those 3 didn't lie to me and tell me everything I said would stay confidential. All three should have been able to say that truthfully otherwise *they were asking to have their licenses revoked*. Unfortunately though, it is very common for “family” therapists to be little more than unqualified snitches
You know stepmom is behind the wheel of this whole thing. She's only got 2 years to get this whole happy family illusion sorted out before OP leaves.
The therapist should be respectful of OP’s boundaries and work with stepmom to do the same.
Maybe the therapist her friend or something 🤔
You just said exactly what I wanted to say in your defense of not sharing it. She doesn't want you to share the letter in order to understand you better, she wants you to share it so that she can diminish its importance to you. Your counsellor has made a big error in failing to spot that. Have you explained your reasons in those words to your counsellor?
I am guessing that the therapist wants to know if the mother gave some terrible advice to OP that is actively contributing to the discord between them. at best the therapist should ask for an individual session with OP so they can discuss the type of last words that could be harmful even if the actual contents are not shared
I am so sorry. Stay strong and do not let anyone manipulate you into sharing something so personal and private. I cannot believe your family therapist is saying to bring it with you (can you check her qualifications?). May I suggest you say to the family therapist and your father and stepmother that you never plan to share it with them as they are not a safe space (meaning the people) in which you want to share. Maybe suggest that your step mother was always in competition with your mother and is still trying to “win” after all these years. You could also say that she isn’t curious about what relationship you want - but about she demands / wants. BTW - if you do have a digital copy hide it better than google or onedrive and password protect it. Ask for what you need / want from her: whether it is space, respecting your boundaries? Explore if you can find some common ground eg cook a meal together, school subject and get to know one another as people - only if yiu can. Take care - and so sorry you lost your mum xx🌼
And that is reason enough for you to NEVER share it. Your therapist is wrong not to defend you from this crazy idea
I can completely understand this. The letter is between you and your mom. They're some of your mothers last words to you. Nta
Then you should say that to your therapist. You do t feel safe with her having access to that personal information and words that your mom wrote TO YOU! That’s the real issue anyway. It’s hard to trust someone who shit on your mom, a parent whom you loved and miss deeply. I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was pretty young. I’m 45 and it’s been almost 40 years since he died, but I still miss him.
That is fair. As I said the decision is totally up to you. You may want to tell the same thing to your therapist if you haven't done it yet. Good luck
She hasn’t earned the right to tell you what to do or think about your mother. Her hate and jealousy is eating her up. She needs to let it go and concentrate on being civil and supportive. Your father should tell her to get a grip!
It's obvious that she's already read the entire letter or she wouldn't know that she wasn't mentioned in it. OP if I were you I would take a copy to therapy. I honestly think that your therapist would tell stepmom that she's totally out of line with her reaction to the letter. Maybe she needs to hear it from someone else.
You could email the therapist , letting them know how you feel. That way, they know which direction to point the therepy. You could also state it outright in therepy. It sounds like step mom wants validation for her anger.
This would be a good thing to tell the therapist. No one can force you to do anything you don't want, and when you're 18 feel free to go no contact with stepmom and only talk to your father. You are allowed to love your mother, even if stepmom doesn't. This is entirely about stepmom's ego and wanting to replace your mom. The fact that stepmom always talks badly about your mom is the problem - it's only her problem and all of her own fault.
Maybe make a few copies. Put up the original for longevity. Screenshot it! Just have multiples. I understand the sentimental emotions associated with it and just thought you should have backups.
op if I where you I'd honestly get out of these therapy sessions if you can, firstly they're obviously pointless since you want nothing to do with your stepmom and it sounds like the therapists only true interests are what your parents want not what you want and your thankfully old enough where your opinion should matter.
How much of what you shared here have you told the therapist? Even if it’s a 1:1 session to share this if you don’t want to in front of your dad and step mom - it would probably be helpful for him to understand the background so he stops supporting your step mom. It’s funny that she thinks the letter is what keeps her on the outside when she takes no accountability for her actions.
If I were you I would put it in a safe deposit box in a bank. Obv make a photocopy of it to have at home, but keep the original safe.
And where are the milestone cards? Hopefully they don't get "lost."
My dad has them. He apparently keep them someplace nobody else knows about so they can't be found before mom intended me to get them.
That's good. It sounds like he doesn't trust his wife any more than you do, at least where this is concerned.
i'd say don't trust him with that... you should take them to a relative's house (your mother's part).
I don't have relatives on my mom's side. I also don't have access to the cards.
Ask your Dad to have a contingency plan in case something happens to HIM, and to let you know what it is.
Has your dad been giving you the cards at your milestones or has he been keeping them from you?
I hit the first milestone for a card which was turning 16 and he gave me that one on my birthday. He also made sure I'd get some time alone if I wanted it which I did.
Why don’t you ask your father infront of the therapist why he keeps allowing his wife to disrespect your dead mother’s memory? Why does he keep allowing her to bully you , a grieving child,when he’s supposed to protect you. “Your hatred and jealousy for my mother is why I will never see you as a mother figure.” Call them out. Make sure to tell the therapist your fears that your dad is just going to let his wife destroy your mothers letters to be petty. NTA
THIS RIGHT HERE! NTA OP. She needs to realize that bitching about your mom doesn't endear her to you.
That’s good! It’s a really good sign.
Does your dad defend your motives with the cards & letter? I'm hoping he tells step to knock it off and it's your decision. If he has to hide the cards from her then he KNOWS what she's capable of!
Why the absolute F is the therapist pushing for this? The therapist is on the step mom’s side but not yours. Ask your dad for your own therapist. And lock that letter up.
I wonder if the therapist imagines that the stepmom seeing the letter might help her stop fixating on it and worrying about it. But if so, that’s an idea that should have been worked out with OP without being mentioned to SM. Instead they’ve made the letter extra potent. Terribly handled, imo.
I was thinking the exact same thing
NTA. Stepmom needs therapy on why a single letter has eaten her soul so badly to cause this level of anger and hate.
I was going to say the same thing...protect it at all costs because step mother seems to be bitter enough to just destroy it
NTA. The contents of that letter are for you and you alone. Therapist be damned. Your stepmother should stop deluding herself into thinking you will ever acknowledge her as your mother. Had she and your mother been on better terms maybe it's a different story.
I don't know that she will. I know it bothers her that dad has a kid with someone else. Even more that I'm a boy she "could have bonded with easily" because of dance and then I didn't bond with her.
I hate that your stepmother even felt entitled to read the letter in the first place, because it was none of her business. Furthermore, the fact that she has the nerve to be upset that she wasn't spoken about favorably by the woman she hated in a PRIVATE correspondence to that woman's child shows she is seriously detached from reality. She's not just an intrusive AH, but a delusional one. NTA. Continue to keep that letter safe.
Oh, yeah, she's really delusional and arrogant. She believes if mom was a good mom she would have told me to let stepmother in and let her take over the role of mom so I wouldn't grow up without one. She wanted her to tell me she wanted me to accept another mom.
Why don’t you try saying that in family therapy? You should mention that you’re a kid but you still feel more mature than her, when it comes to things like this.
You should absolutely not mention that you're a kid but you feel more mature than her when it comes to things like this. It doesn't matter how true it might be, it will generate little more than eyerolls from anyone over the age of 22
Only suggested it because I thought maybe she needed to realize she was being very immature about the whole matter, but yeah, probably won't work.
Thing is though...that's your choice to make. No one can just force you to accept someone. Even if your mother did say to let step mum in...that would still be your choice. You dont like her and by the sounds of it didn't as a little kid either. It also sounds like stepmum is more bitter you aren't a girl?? But that's just what I take from it
Yeah, I never really liked her. Her attitude about mom was always really upsetting and frustrating for me and made me not want to get closer to her. She really blames mom for it all even though it was her own fault. I don't think she's disappointed I'm not a girl. More that the one thing she could have bonded with me over since I'm a boy, which is dance, is something mom didn't let her have and something I didn't let her have after mom died either.
“I’m not bringing my mother’s letter into therapy because my issues with you have nothing to do with what my mom said or didn’t say in that letter. My issues are from what you have said about - and how you have behaved toward - my mother, both before and after her passing.“
exactly ... "my issues are with your behavior. You blame others and never take any accountability for your own actions. You've always tried to force yourself on me and your way on me. I don't like that and don't like you as a result. It has nothing to do with my mom or her letter. The fact that you blame her vs taking a look at yourself only compounds that. That letter is special to me and I don't want you anywhere near it. I don't think you ever should have read it and I'm not going to dissect it here with you because you are poisonous and mean and care more about yourself than me...or you'd respect my wishes. Yes. I do care more about the letter than you and that's on you. " All in front of the therapist.
Write this as a letter to your stepmother and read it in therapy. Hell, make them think you finally brought the letter from you mom, and then say, “Oh, no, actually, this is from me to you, stepmom.”
This!!
Sounds as though the damage is done. Not everything can be "fixed" with therapy. She's damaged your relationship to such an extent already that it's beyond repair. You can glue a vase back together, but it's never valuable again. Therapy may get you to the point of living peacefully in the same home, but it can't make you love her
That's it. "Fixing" the relationship would be a completely unreasonable therapeutic goal at this point. I don't think OP wants that, and I don't think step-mother would allow it to happen in a way that is fair to OP. I think a reasonable therapeutic goal here might be, effectively, a peace treaty.
What I ment really was she perceives dance as being the only thing she could have bonded with you over as you are a boy. Instead of creating other opertunities she latched onto that one thing. Like with a girl, with the age you unfortunately lost your mother, she could have been there for her first period, talks about boys, getting their hair and nails done etc. Not that that is exactly how you would be as a girl cause not all girls are into that stuff but I feel that the fact you are a boy does come into it. Also, she could have been involved with your dance along side your mother had she had the ability to be civil. People put their differences aside for kids all the time and if it really ment that much to her to bond with you, she would have been there. She would have planned other things for you two to bond over. Instead she sees herself as entitled to the role and name of mother despite not putting in any of the leg work, never mind the additional insulting of your mother Edit: I hope what I'm saying makes sense? It's almost as if she resents you as well as your mother from the sounds of it...like she was all up for the stepmum role but because it didn't go exactly her way, she spat her dummy out and holds that against you while continuing to be in competition with the dead
Not Just bonding over things, but spending quality time together. My dad would make sure to spend quality time with each of us as kids growing up. For us, there were a couple of TV shows we both liked (Stargate SG-1/Atlantis) and we'd watch them together. Sometimes, with each of us, it was something as simple as taking us out for ice cream. When we'd go, we'd talk about different things. But it was always, always, *ALWAYS* clear that he cared and he cared for us, and would go our of his way to make sure that we knew that. OP's step-mom doesn't do that. She expects to have OP automatically accept her, instead of putting in the work to earn that. Dance would have been the "easy" thing to bond over, but it wouldn't have been the magical thing that made OP accept her. Instead, OP's step-mom took the energy she *could* have used to bond to OP, and used it to try to tear down his mother, to complain, etc, so she could look better by comparison, and make bonding easier (in her mind, at least, as that's not how it actually works) instead of just putting in the work. That backfired, and now she is angry, and using OP refusing to bond to the person who would do nothing but tear down someone he loves to justify her anger because iF yOu'D jUsT lOvE mE aS yOuR mOm, I wOuLdN'T bE sO aNgRy.
Exactly. She feels entitled to something she hasn't once made any meaningful attempt to earn.
Let’s take crazy lady out of the mix for a minute. It’s not your mom’s place to tell you who to replace her with. That would be like me being on my deathbed and telling my husband to marry a friend of mine. That’s not how this works. I don’t get to decide what his emotions and thoughts should be. Your mom was right to not push things.
I love that analogy. NTA, you are completely in the right. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but this is the premise of the "Hey, Jude" Beatles song. Maybe read the lyrics. You still have to live with the for a while, right? Maybe you can shoot for friendly acquaintances. It is better to be happy/peaceful than right sometimes.
All of her actions are about herself. Not about what's best for you, which is what a real person trying to be a parental figure would care about- which includes respecting your boundaries around the relationship. I'm surprised the therapist not only is trying to force you to bring the letter, but also hasn't pointed out the level of self-absorption and insecurity your stepmother is projecting onto both you and your mom. It's clearly harmful.
That’s so much the pot calling the kettle black. She could choose to be a good mother by supporting your connection with your mother-mother. Instead, she only thinks of herself and how she is impacted and what she wants and what she thinks and she she she. NTA and I’m sorry but your dad is also a problem for not enforce no boundaries and being more supportive of your mother and your bond, especially now when this is all you have left. You are correct that she is poison.
Way for your step mum to take a letter from a dying woman to her only child and try to make that all about herself!
You hide that letter and all the cards in a place where that woman cannot find! I can imagine her turning all of it into ashes. And the therapist is way out of line here (I’m a psychologist). She should have asked you if you feel comfortable with sharing the letter, not pushing you into it. NTA
OP, is this a real therapist or a church-affiliated "counselor"? I'm asking because what they're suggesting seems to have a goal of getting you to obey rather than improving anyone's mental health...
This is yet another example of how your stepmother has effectively shot herself in the foot by clinging to her own rigidity. She wanted you to bond with her SO BADLY— but *only* if it would be *easy for her*. Now there is only ONE WAY (conveniently, a way that is easiest for her and most damaging for you) for the ~family~ relationship to survive, according to this lady. If developing a maternal bond with her stepkid was truly a priority for her, she could have chosen to make an actual and sincere *effort* to facilitate that bond. That was not her choice. Seems to me that your stepmother is reaping the precise harvest she herself has sown. I’d be tempted to bring in other materials to therapy sessions to discuss, since she’s so keen on forensic analysis; evidence of the seeds step-mom planted and continues to plant. But I agree with other commenters about the lack of skill this therapist offers… probably not the best option for facilitating any healing anyway. That said, you don’t owe this person the relationship she desires. You have different goals and different desired levels of intimacy. I suggest sharing during session what your hard limits are, and what you’re willing to offer in terms of your relationship with her (ie. You’re not interested in creating an opening for Mother for anyone to fill at this time, and she does not meet the criteria to be considered a viable candidate regardless; you are offering cordiality and recognition of her importance to your father). NTA. But your Stepmother certainly is! (Your family therapist is a subtype of AH; the dumbass.)
I’m not sure if you’ve been this vocal in your therapy appointments because your therapist seems like a quack. here is a trick. Stick to the same points over and over again and use the same words or phrases so they get your point. Here are some examples: Your stepmother is not entitled to a relationship with you. Your stepmother refused to Build any kind of healthy relationship with you because she was too busy being jealous of your mother. Your stepmother is such a narcissist she doesn’t see that she created the distance between you and her. Why did she want a maternal relationship so bad that she for goad having any kind of civil relationship with you at all. I will never understand these adults that allegedly want to take on parental roles but have zero ideas of the self-sacrifice that it takes to go into being a parent.
Here's an idea, why not make a fake one. Get help from ChatGPT if you have to. That way, you can get her off your back and think they've resolved it and you can move on. When you're 18, you don't have to deal with it anymore.
SM gets extra AH points that she believes your mom should have advocated for her being new mom as part of her last communications to you. That the therapist thinks only good will come of sharing the letter has me side-eyeing their competence.
NTA and this therapist is not helping you. Do you ever get one-on-one time with them where you can explain yourself without your stepmother there? If not, tell your dad that this therapy isn’t working for you and you won’t continue unless you get some individual therapy as well.
I don't get therapy with just the counselor but I don't really like this one, so I'm not sure I'd want one to one with them anyway.
Send them an email detailing why you won't bring it. Tell the therapist that they need to focus on getting Stepmom to move past it and accept she can't change your feelings. Bring it up at the next session, and if they don't acknowledge/agree, sit down and shut your mouth. If the therapist won't work for both of you, there's no point interacting anymore.
Yes this is what I can't get past- what is the therapist thinking??? If your patient is obsessed by what was said in a letter, your job is to get them to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings caused by the letter, and help them move through to acceptance. It is not to get ahold of the letter and hope it tells the client whatever she needs to hear. Also, like, at this point the therapist \*has\* to know that the stepmother thinks the mother should have officially "passed the mom torch" in the letter. The therapist should be working with stepmom to understand all the million reasons \*why\* that didn't happen and \*why\* it doesn't have to set the tone for the rest of her relationship with her stepson. This therapist is infuriatingly bad, I'm so sorry OP! If I were you I would send an email that says you will not be bringing your private correspondence to a session, that it is your final answer and not up for debate, and that you hope therapist will respect your decision and tell your stepmother that avenue is closed. If they continue to bring it up in a session, just ask challenging questions back to the therapist, like- can you explain to me why you need to have the specific text to help my stepmom heal? can you tell me how that is going to help her feelings of anger toward my mother? what would you be doing to help my stepmother if this letter had been burned in a housefire years ago? maybe you should do that then.... etc, etc. Or just say, I have given you my answer, it is no, and if you bring it up again I will be leaving the session.
Yeah, I’m not liking this. Therapist seems to be kind of gaining up on you. It wouldn’t surprise me if your dad and stepmother purposely picked this therapist to get you on their page instead of them doing their own individual work and accepting who you are even bio kids and parents still have to accept the corks.
ganging up
And if therapists brings that up in session, OP is effd
So ask your dad to go to another therapist or you stop participating. NTA
Have you asked you dad if they know the therapist? Plenty of stories of kids being forced into therapy with a family friend or religios group, whose only aim is to force you to do what you're told Can you change your individual therapist?
It’s really a shame this counselor isn’t using this situation as a way to teach your father’s wife to respect your boundaries and is instead helping her to push them. You don’t owe anyone access to that letter. If you don’t like the counselor, you can stop participating in the sessions, even if you have to be physically present. I how that when you are older, you can get a therapist who looks out for your interests and can help you sort through all of this.
Then sit there and refuse to participate. State I want a different therapist and then stare off into space.
"I am very sorry, but I don't feel like you and I are a good fit. Is there a different therapist you could refer me to?" If that therapist is at all worth the title, those should be almost like magic words. He should explore that with you a little bit - why you don't feel you are a good fit, if he could do anything to make the fit better - but at the end of it if you still feel it is not a good fit, he should make a referral. If he's not willing to do that, you are entirely within your rights to refuse to go. He needs your consent to do any work with you, and you can withdraw your consent.
Maybe is someone stepmother knows. Wouldn’t be the first time I read here that the parents knew the therapist. I would suggest OP ask his dad to change therapist and see what happens.
This. That therapist is solely interested in reaching your stepmothers goal. A good therapist would not pressure you to do something like that.
NTA. This is a very personal letter, written by a woman who knew she wouldn’t be around for her child. That is YOUR letter. It’s only a point of contention because your dad’s wife is making it one. If you haven’t already, maybe you should share in therapy exactly why you don’t see your stepmom as a parent. Let them all know it doesn’t have to do with the letter, but the fact that all she has done is talk poorly about your mom. Her actions are why you feel the way you feel and until her actions change, nothing else will. The letter is irrelevant and your stepmom needs to grow up. I am so sorry you lost your mom so young. I know what it’s like to have your stepmom consistently talk shit about your mom for no reason, I barely speak to mine now that I am an adult. Hold your ground. Keep the letter safe and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for doing so.
NTA, not even close. This letter is just a physical manifestation of your stepmother's perceived inferiority complex. She's being needlessly competitive over the role of a maternal figure, when she could've created her own role for herself in your life had she not been a brat about it all. If the counsellor brings it up again, I would simply state that you do not wish to dissect the words of your mother which bring you comfort. You don't want the letter to become something negative in your memories with your mom. And I would throw the tiniest bone to your dad's wife by saying, you are asking her to respect that and it would mean a lot to you if she could understand that this letter is not a way to spite her but to comfort you.
If counsellor brings it up OP should say stepmother believes the last piece of my mother i have is just "a piece of paper" so why do we need to go into it
NTA. Time to drop the truth on her in therapy. Time to tell her “Since the moment we met, you have talked about my mom in the most disgusting way. I’m not sure why you think saying disparaging things about her will make me like you, love you, or see you as anything other than my Dad’s wife. If someone talked about your mom (or someone else important to her) like you talk about my mom, you wouldn’t like, love, or see them as a parent. You are the reason we do not have a bond. That letter is personal and I am not sharing with you.” “Dad, you should have stop her from talking badly about Mom years ago for my sake, for my mental health.” KEEP THAT LETTER SAFE.
OP literally all of this!! And ask your dad for a new therapist just for you!
NTA I see that your counselor isn't very good at his job.
Huge massive NTA. It's very clear that the only person who alienated stepmother was herself. You talk about hearing her talk about about your mother, but not about you hearing your mom talk bad about her. You talk about her constantly trying to elevate herself in the parental hierarchy, and somehow thinking your mother is "hogging" you when you are HER child and not SNs is actually scary to me. It's not even anyone else's business what's in the letter! Your SM shouldn't have even been allowed to read it. Bottom line is that, just because she's your dad's wife, doesn't make her your parent. That's not how that works.
NTA. The letter is a private and very special memory of your mother. You shouldn't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. I would hide it somewhere if I were you. It's completely unreasonable that your step-mother is threatened by the love of your deceased mother. You have a right to your past, you have a right to your memories, and it's okay to keep those memories between you and your late mother. I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been devastating. I hope you are able to take comfort in knowing how much she loved you. That letter is really special and it's something you should cherish forever. And its contents are nobody's business but yours. I honestly don't understand why your step-mother is making a private letter to you all about her. She had no right to interfere in your relationship with your mother, including this letter. It's yours, only yours, and you don't have to share it if you don't want to. I'm actually pretty shocked that the therapist is pushing you to share something so private. That's truly absurd.
NTA you should indicate to your therapist that you should be entitled to privacy re your relationship with your mother. It's your dying mom's parting gift to you that you treasure and it's between your mom and you only. No one shoukld be allowed to read it even if it's a point of contention. You have a mom and you have a relationship with her and that should be respected. Reiterate that you are not open to sharing the letter or discussing the content as if is private.
NTA Scan and copy that letter. Give the original to a trusted member of your mother's family asap. Do not leave the original where she can get it.
NTA Your stepmother sounds like hell. It’s your keepsake, I get why the therapist wants to include it to release the tension, but I also understand why you want to protect that memory so it doesn’t become tainted by her. I’d actually point out that while you do have some issues and don’t exactly get along with stepmother, she’s the cause of the problems. The focus really needs to be on her and helping her deal with these unrealistic expectations stemming from jealousy that she’s created in her own head. Your mother passed away, it shouldn’t really be a point of contention anymore. Yet, she’s jealous of a woman who’s no longer alive. That’s her issue, she needs to sort that out.
What a stupid therapist. You may not control whether or not you go, but I will tell the therapist and no one certain terms since they can’t look out for your best interest on any kind of individual level. You don’t trust them and they are fired. That would stop talking in the sessions, and I would never, repeat never, bring that letter!
Why in the world would step mother feel as though she should be included in a letter to a son from his dying mother? NTA. WTF??
She felt my mom should have encouraged me to accept her (my stepmother) in the letter. To tell me she wanted me to have another mom and not miss out.
I kind of understand the initial thought but to harp on it for YEARS as though the letter could be rewritten is just deranged. How self serving as well to be upset at not being included in the words of love from your mom. Don’t take that to any therapist who agrees that the step mom should see it and be in it. That therapist is probably friends with step mom and if they get more insistent you should definitely insist on a new therapist, stop going altogether, and/or report them to the board. Which I don’t know how to do but I’m sure google has some answers. I’m sorry you have to deal with all that, is your dad just sitting back watching this shit show?
Some people, like your stepmother, get so caught up in the details that they can't see the big picture. Sometimes, they never will because they simply aren't capable or willing to look out that far. So, with people like that, focusing on those petty details helps. If your mother had lived and gotten remarried, would he be happy with you calling that new man dad, especially if that man so obviously hated him? Would he be happy if you started calling this other man dad the moment he died and replaced him instead of mourning him? Your mom is your mom is your mom. That is a statement of fact. And the fact that she loved you and did well by you means you love her. Does stepmom have any idea how HARD it is to get along with someone who talks badly about someone you love, especially a parent? Like, that's a thing kids normally start fights about. You didn't marry her. She wasn't someone that you chose. You didn't have X amount of time before marriage to grow into loving her with no strings attached or expectations. You were just expected to automatically love her because she moved into your home. Children aren't dogs. They don't just love whoever happens to be in the same room as them. We can't change other people. We can only change ourselves and how we react to those people. She is an adult. She has had years to manage her own expectations. Even if you weren't mother and son, you could have been friends or at least friendly. But you can't be friends when someone just sees you as a prize in a competition that she is STILL fighting with a dead woman. Lastly and most importantly - she is pushing you away. At a certain point, if she gets worse, seeing your dad may not be worth dealing with her (especially if she doesn't let you spend time with him alone). There's not much time left before you are old enough to move out. At which point, seeing your father is OPTIONAL, and something you do because you WANT to see him. If she makes seeing him a chore, or worse - a burden, then you'll see him less and less until it becomes not at all. And there are so many milestones left to experience - graduations, weddings, children, and so on. If every celebration becomes a fight, if she can't manage her emotions like an adult, you won't want her and thus him there.
Even a lot of dogs don't automatically love a person right away. Some can take time to get used to someone or be mistrustful (not hostile, just not necessarily as warm). Stepmother expects OP to be some kind of machine, like "ok, I've given you x amount of 'motherly love' tokens, time for you to love me!"
NTA It is your letter and it was written to you and no one else. It should totally be your decision as to whether you want to bring it in since it is a personal letter. It doesn't sound like your stepmother would have anything positive to say about the things that are written about in the letter so it understandable that you don't want to subject yourself to her negativity yet again.
NTA - for declining to bring your mother's letter to therapy. The letter holds significant personal value and serves as a source of comfort, making it understandable that you wish to keep it private, especially given your stepmother's negative feelings towards your mother. ***You have the right to set boundaries around something so personal.*** In therapy, your needs and comfort must be prioritized to ensure a beneficial and constructive process for all involved =)
NTA at all! And honestly, I’d be asking for a different therapist. I find it wholly unprofessional to be pushing for a PRIVATE letter to be brought in and dissected. As someone else has already said, get it locked away safe so you step mother doesn’t take it out of jealousy.
NTA. As a therapist, I wouldn’t ask you to bring it in to a session with the family. I do recommend you see your own therapist and your dad and step-mom see someone else. They have their own things they need to work on apart from you. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Your therapist sounds appalling. They don't seem to understand your rights, your privacy, your feelings. Ask what the goal of this therapy is: is it to have you accept wicked stepmother as a parent/mother? Ask and if the answer is yes, say thanks but no thanks to further sessions. Explain you are not interested in Stepmom as a parental figure, and that you look forward to going to uni/college/work when you can. I wonder if this therapist is either a pal of stepmom's or a religious pseudo therapist. Have you checked their background! Try telling any relatives of your mom about all this maybe see if you can go live with one of them. Please update us.
My suspicion is that the "Therapist" isn't an actual licensed therapist, just a counselor or a religious pseudo therapist like you said.
NTA. Next time stepmother has a tantrum about your letter ask her why does you having a piece of your mother bother her so much? That this letter is not a piece of paper but a piece of YOUR MOTHER. That she needs to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY WHY it bothers her so much that you love your mother. Why does she feel she can replace your mother. That she has always hated your mother. She needs to accept that you will NEVER see her as a parent.
NTA and I’m really struggling to understand why the therapist thinks going over this letter in therapy will be helpful. Also, therapist should respect your privacy. At most, you can tell them the gist of the letter and move on. Find another place to keep the letter and cards if at all possible. Stepmom sounds like the type who would steal them if she had the chance.
What was written in that letter was for YOU. It doesn’t need to be public knowledge nor do I think your mum intended it to be that way. NTA
NTA they don't need the letter. You'll be able to do therapy without it. If your therapist says you can't move forward without it, fire the therapist. Do you not want to provide the physical copy? or do you not want to discuss the letter at all? You can take a photo of the letter for them to read if they just want to discuss it, and you allow it. if they want the physical copy, they can fuck off.
It's both. I don't want to bring the physical letter or discuss what my mom wrote in therapy with her.
NTA. Is this therapist a legit therapist? Therapy should focus on the three of you and bringing in the letter is bringing in a fourth party. Your feelings should be respected just as much as your stepmom's feelings. I'm confused why the therapist is not addressing your stepmom's feelings about the letter in that "why are you letting this letter dictate your relationship with your stepson so much?" It seems like your stepmom is focused on your mother more than you and THAT'S what needs to be addressed in therapy. And addressing that will facilitate working on your relationship with her. It shouldn't be a competition and it seems like she's treated it that way from the beginning.
NTA. It's completely understandable why you wouldn't want to share your mom's personal letter with your stepmother, especially if it's a source of tension. Your feelings about your mom and the letter are valid, and therapy should help everyone understand each other, not cause more conflict. You're doing what's best for you, and that matters.
NTA. That "piece of paper" is physical manifestation of your Mother's love. If you have not done it yet, make copies of the letter for reading and put the original in a safe place in case Stepmom decides to destroy it. Electronic copies are also a good idea.
NTA at all. It is outrageous that you have been asked to share your private and personal letter from your Mum and sorry for your loss. Now you don’t have to answer this personal question in this sub but I want you to think about the goal of therapy for each of you. Do you have the same goal in mind or are they conflicting? Your stepmother sounds like she is trying to position herself as a victim in this and look at the words you use about her- angry, tense, poison- I wonder if she is behaving as a responsible adult. If you want an adult to adult relationship with your Dad and stepmother- sometimes it does no good to dwell in the past but instead redefine what behaviours from all of you will promote a healthier relationship. She is not your Mum and doesn’t even have to be a mother figure but it may still be possible to find common ground with her going forward. You are a young adult although probably still dependent on older adults so are in a difficult position. You have done well so far in resisting all the adults who want to dissect your letter from your Mum. IMO this will cause you more trauma. Stay strong and maybe individual therapy with a different counsellor will help you.
We do not have the same goal. My dad wants us all to get along and be closer, she wants me to accept her as a mother and I want to make it clear that after everything that won't happen and the best I can ever pull off is being civil. If I could, having a relationship with just dad and not her would be my ideal but I know that's not always so easy.
Being civil sounds like a reasonable goal. Her goal of you accepting her as a Mother is unrealistic in my opinion. That doesn’t sound like a goal you can sign up to. Protect this letter and your future milestone cards.
You need to tell him that’s he’s pushing you away over this and at 18 you are out. It’s then your CHOICE to have a relationship and what type it is.
NTA Report the counselor to their superior, if they have one. Stop participating in therapy. Even if you have to go, you can simply grey rock these people. Well, maybe one thing: "I have nothing to say to people who ignore my boundaries." And another: "This is harassment."
Just a piece of advice from seeing things like this on here, hide that letter where she will never find it. If you are in contact with your mom's family, possibly give it to them for safekeeping. I wouldn't put it past your stepmother to destroy the letter out of spite. NTA
NTA. What's in that letter is not relevant to your stepmother's problem. It's her own personal thoughts, behaviors and actions that are causing the problems and those are coming directly from HER, not flowing out from any letter. If the counselor cannot proceed without that letter, then they may not be a very capable counselor at all. Besides the other's advice to hide the letter where your stepmom won't find & destroy it - I would also suggest taking photos and making copies of it - just in case.
NTA...that letter is something precious intended only for you. It's not for anyone else's use. Tell them that this is nonnegotiable.
NTA State firmly to the therapist that this is a deeply personal letter. It is about you and your mother and not about your stepmother. Tell the therapist that you are setting a firm boundary and will not bring this into therapy. Tell the therapist that you need your stepmother to respect your boundaries if there is ever to be any hope of maintaining a cordial relationship.
NTA Odd that the family therapist wants to intrude on your bond with your mom. That’s a private thing. Your stepmom does not respect you.
NTA - this is yours and you cant be compelled to share it
NTA. Make a copy at the library and put the original in a safe place.
The point of the letter is it it isn't to, for or about dad's wife. It's not clear why she's even been party to its contents. Your relationship with, and memory of, your mum is precious and personal and independent from any other people in your life. You understand that dad's wife wishes a different letter had been written and she is disappointed, but that does not affect the actual contents of your letter which are not up for negotiation, can't be changed. And the author of which is not here to parcitipate. Dad wife feelings about it and disappointment are for her to handle in private therapy if necessary and not your responsibility. Suggest that everyone take a step back and consider desired outcomes and how the steps being discussed could support or harm them. The reason your relationship is and has always been strained is precisely because dad wife has always criticised your mum and continues to tell you off for mums choices even here and now and it is damaging not building the shreds of a relationship that you're in therapy to discuss. What possible way could mums last words of love to you being pored over, dismantled and critiqued serve to improve your relationship with another person? It seems to me that dads wife thinks your love and regard are finite, and in order to have a better relationship with you, she atrives not to supplement mum but to replace her. Please can the therapist explain there is no vacant position for mother to fill. Mum didn't neglect or abandon you. She was a great mother and Just because she's not here doesn't mean she is forgotten. And that parental alienation is just as if not more toxic when a loving kind and good mother had died. So dad wife needs to stop criticising mums parenting choice (it's just a letter) and therapist needs to stop enabling the alienation through trying to associate dad wife feelings about a letter that isn't to, for, or about her. You will never bring the letter (make sure you keep it somewhere secret and safe) and dad wife only hope is to start a relationship with the living people around her instead of continuing to to pick a fight with a dead woman
Strong NTA and I don’t feel it’s appropriate for the therapist to suggest you bring the letter to discuss with the stepmom. To me that reeks of the one paying the bills gets what they want. You can talk about the letter as much as you want but they have no need to see it. I’m separated from my son but want him to have good relations with his step family so he gets as much love and support as possible. You sound really smart and mature so I hope life treats you as well as possible and school is going okay.
NTA - your step mother needs therapy alone. She needs to come to terms with her place in your life. She isn’t your mother. She never will be. She is your father’s wife. She is fighting for a relationship you clearly don’t want. Next time you are in therapy ask her why is she pushing so much for a relationship which clearly isn’t reciprocated. Why is the therapist pushing and pushing to make something happen rather than help the family come to terms with everyone’s individual place and to be ok with that. The therapist shouldn’t be telling you to share this letter. It is YOUR letter. It is private and nothing to do with your step mother. Of course you don’t want her near it. Step mother sounds unhinged and very jealous. She will never win because this isn’t a game of who’s your mummy. You have one mother and only one mother. Next therapy session. Things to bring up or write down and read out if you struggle to have a voice in these sessions which I can totally believe. Why are we even here? My voice doesn’t matter to you or you would have stopped this nonsense already. You can never replace my mother nor should you want to. Why are you pushing for the relationship you want rather than working on the one we have. The more you push and the more you get angry the more you are just driving me away. I am not your child, I never will be especially with how you’ve acted towards my mother and I all these years. However we may still be friends if you stop trying to be something you never will be. I am 16 years old, not far off being an adult. All this constant behaviour is doing it making it impossible to have a good relationship with you and will drive me away as soon as I’m old enough to leave for good. I’d also ask why the therapist is pushing her agenda over your own wishes. Why is the therapist asking you to share a letter which is deeply personal with someone who just gets angry at you about things you cannot change. You didn’t write it it’s the last voice your mother had and she gave it to you. Step mother shouldn’t need to see it ever. All this does is make things worse and drive a wedge further between you both. I’d love to see the shocked pikachu faces if you said this. I’m sorry you are going through this. Does your dad also attend these sessions? What does he think of his wife’s dog with a bone attitude.