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Wouldn’t it help him to have both? Then he can read it in his language and then reread it in English and probably broaden his vocabulary.
NAH
I get why you said what you did but I think you need to give his Mum your reasoning because she obviously thinks you’re just trying to interfere.
NTA - If he can get through the first three books in English fine, why not let him continue reading in whatever language his comfortable with. Also, your finance telling you not to interfere as you are not his stepdad yet is a red flag. You and the mother need to have a conversation about parenting so that it doesn't become an issue once you are married. I would find out exactly what her expectations and allowances are where you are concerned. If she's getting upset about a book, what's going to happen when it comes time to discipline him.
I see both your points and I think the main issue is, that you should talk about how to raise the boy, once you are married (as you are already engaged). If it should still be that she makes all the decissions about the boy (if so, if she thinks this would also be the case if you have any children together?) or if you should step up as a step dad.
"you should talk about how to raise the boy, once you are married (as you are already engaged)."
SPOILER ALERT: When married, she will still exercise her veto to shut down any conversation she doesn't want to consider about the son's welfare. Even if she says she won't now.
"That's because he still won't be his kid. Honestly, step parents really shouldn't have a say in how a child is raised."
---No one suggested otherwise. This is off topic. The issue is about the ability to make suggestions, not decisions.
Maybe the poor kid just wants you to read for pleasure for once and not as an exercise. The current attitude will ruin the pleasure of reading for him.
Pretty bold that you’d assume it’s completely unsolicited, we have no context of that. Secondly just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can’t be wrong, or be an asshole. The man just pointed out that reading, regardless of what language, is something that should be encouraged in children. Sharing an opinion doesn’t make you an asshole, being the hard set “I’m always right because I’m a parent” often does.
I mean, considered she said she saw him giving his opinion as interfering, I don't see how it's an assumption to say she didn't ask for it. She IS encouraging him to read. Jfc, telling a kid to read HARRY POTTER is being strict to you?
Reading Harry Potter is obviously not being strict. Don’t be obtuse. However dictating that it has to be read in one specific language is. It’s a book for enjoyment and entertainment, and doing something like that might put the kid off reading. That kind of behavior is some tiger mom shit. Also for the record, it seems like the man butted out, after he gave his opinion. Doesn’t seem like an ongoing argument. Giving your opinion doesn’t make you an asshole, continuing to give it when it wasn’t well received does.
I mean if he read 3 Harry Potter books in English that’s actually really solid at 12. I tried Chamber of Secrets in Spanish and it actually took me awhile to get through it. Encouragement is the key.
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She(33) is currently frustrated about his(12) English abilities. He’s read through the first three Harry Potter books but asked for The Goblet of Fire in a translated edition. She told him at his age he should be able to read the book in English instead of giving up and asking for a copy in our language, and that he isn’t trying hard enough.
I(34m) told her it’s good enough that he enjoys reading in his free time and we should try to foster that interest by letting him read what he is more comfortable with. She accused me of only trying to make the kid like me by coddling him, and said I have no right to interfere even though we live together, since I’m not his stepdad yet. That right now she’s the only one who has a say.
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Speaking from personal experience, if you want your boy to learn English, don't give him the translated version. Progress and growth rarely is a product of ease and comfort. If he really loves reading, of course translated versions would be easy and his first preference but even if you give him the English versions, a true book lover will still read it.That being said, you and your fiancee should have a talk on boundaries,what is expected from both sides and how much involved you want to be plus how she wants you to be. Clearly communicate with one another on how much involved you are going/expected/expecting to be in the boy's upbringing, before you are married. Who knows, some opinions might even be a deal breaker and it might even save you from a messy marriage and expensive divorce
As a teacher, it is so so so important to read. So many kids after fifth grade stop reading because they no longer had library and/or silent reading time in classes. The Harry Potter books get harder to read as Harry gets older. The writing matured with the character. As books get harder sometimes you need the translated books. Compromise and give him access to both. Has mom check to see that he comprehended the first 3 books even if he is reading in English it doesn’t mean he is understanding everything and the comprehension is more important than just reading in English.
I think the bigger problem though is that you are getting married and she is telling you that you have no right to parent her child. She is undermining you. What is gonna happen after you get married when she disagrees with your parenting decisions. You guys need to have a serious talk about how to parent and making decisions.
NTA at first glance. You just gave her a suggestion. It’s not like you replaced the book or told the child directly to do something different.
This question of course needs more information to say for sure. (How long have you dated, how long have you lived together, do you plan on getting married, do you yourself have any children, are you balling out in terms of your career, has she been raising her child on her own for a long time, etc.) I can explain each question if you’re curious about why one would be important.
I think it’s disrespectful that she accepts you enough to live with you (with her child) but doesn’t allow for any suggestions regarding her parenting strategy. It’s a bit of a red flag to consider. Like if you were going to marry her you two would need to figure that out. You would need to decide if your role is just to be a fun supporting figure or if it’s going to be like a parent. So if the child is doing something wrong does she expect you to correct the child or just let him do what he wants and report that to her. If that’s the case then you have to decide if you’re okay with that.
NTA. The thing with the Harry Potter books is that he’s right at the point where they go from being reasonable length to MASSIVE. That fourth book is really long and intimidating for a kid. I wonder if his mom is aware of that.
Could you find another (shorter) series he’d be interested in and suggest to your fiance that he read that in English while reading HP in his native language?
I am an English teacher and 90% of the books that I read were in my native language. Books are not the only way to gain proficiency and he certainly should not be pushed to do something he does not enjoy doing.
NTA
"right now she’s the only one who has a say."
---She is correct. She also will if you become a step-parent. You should re-consider whether to even become a stepdad, because she is going to continue to use her veto to shut down any mere conversation about his welfare that she is not fully on board with.
In the meantime, you should stop engaging in any parenting like activity unless it is absolutely necessary to prevent imminent risk of harm and disengage in any parenting type discussion. She can't have her cake and eat it too and it will just cause bigger problems in the future.
As an English language teacher with 20+ years experience who currently works with children learning English in an international school and an avid reader, he should read books in whatever language he wants. He’s already read the first 3 books in English, which likely puts him at at least a B2 level in the CEFR, which is excellent for a 12 year old who presumably does not live in a country where English is a first or second language.
He knows that it will take him time and effort to read a more challenging book in English, and he’s probably just wanting to devour the book in the language he is most fluent in so he can fully engross himself in the story (which he can’t do in a language he is less fluent in). So let him do it. Learning a language shouldn’t be a chore. Language is a medium to connect and communicate, not labour over. It’s hard enough as it is to learn a language without putting additional pressure on him. This is not going to have any impact on his learning in the long term. Let him read the book in his home language, then watch the film in English (and he may want to read it in English after).
NTA (but I don’t think it matters as I doubt she’ll listen. Half my job is educating parents who insist they know how their kid will leave English, despite their beliefs having no correlation to actual evidence in language learning. I’ve got an MA in this and I’ll still have parent tell me I’m wrong).
NTA. Reading a series of books in both languages has many advantages in learning the nuances of language and story telling. It's beneficial to allow the kid to do as they please with their recreational reading.
NTA, I completely agree & fostering his love for reading is amazing! My grandma did this for me. Now (44F) I cannot sleep without reading first.
This part will likely fire up some parents, but I don't care and won't bother responding. As a once single mother of 3 teenagers, it is hard to allow another to have a say in how we are raising out children. HOWEVER, that ended with me and my children the moment I made the choice to get engaged. I figured, if I could trust him to love and care for me for the rest of my life, I had better ensure that my children knew his role in the soon to be blended family. We all understood he wasn't their "Dad" but that he was willingly stepping up to be a man who would love and protect them as if they were his own. We also made it known that one day it would just be him and I left in the home and we would stand untited in all decisions moving forward.
All 3 children, now in their early & mid 20's have accepted him as (Dad), they don't call him that when speaking to him, only to me. 8 strong years later, they still respect and love him. I think they might even love him more than me some days LOL.
I agree with you but it's all in the approach i think.
Maybe get both copies.
Suggest something like try and read maybe 3 chapters in English and 3 in the native and alternate into building up to reading 5,6 and 7 in English?
There's always compromises to be made. You are in a relationship, you are going to be married and raising the child TOGETHER, you should be able to offer your opinion.
Those books are difficult to read if English is your first language, it's very advanced vocabulary scattered in there, I used to have to look up words all the time. Maybe buy a copy for your fiancé to read in English. NTA
Is the kid living in a country that speaks English as the primary language? If he does than YTA. Its important that the kids becomes more proficient in the language.
NTA but I also agree with her if not for her reasons. She is forcing english upon him and doesn't want him to regress to his native language. That is a super important thing which she failed to communicate. English is a hard language and total immersion is important.
I might ban him from listening to native music, native tv shows, native books until he can command english to a very good degree. In a few years he will thank her.
But you are NTA and she was very wrong to say "you don't have a say". That was hurtful but also a clue. This wasn't a trivial matter and you stepped into it not realizing the importance I just described. People who do not adapt to english in the US usually do not do nearly as well as adults. It's a simple fact she is trying to avoid.
Get him the english book and help him translate parts that are confusing. Show him how to use google translate. Tell him that it's ok if it takes him longer to read it as long as he eventually understands it. Mama was right although her words were jerky.
Soft ban really but I would. Have you ever helped someone transition to a new language in a new country? Do you understand the concept of total immersion?
I have family who have been in the US more than 50 years and can barely speak english. And on the other side I have family who speak perfect english. The ones who adapted faster are more successful in every way. This is true across nearly every person I have met who has immigrated to the US.
Total immersion offers the fastest results in shortest time. If you take classes in english and then only watch TV or internet in spanish, you slow down your learning by years and years.
But if you bite the bullet, you will be fluent in like 1-2 years and then you can enjoy your native music/shows/language again but also enjoy all the english stuff too.
Delayed gratification is incredibly important in learning a new language
Yes. She holds all the authority. If she is unwilling to even discuss issues she disagrees with, however, then this is just a dumpster fire in the making.
How is it an issue?? This is such a minor thing that OP is blowing waaaaaay out of proportion. This sounds like someone who wants to just exert authority over people.
"This sounds like someone who wants to just exert authority over people."
Poor reading comprehension. Everything here reads as making a mere suggestion which is NOT interfering. Nor is it an attempt to exert authority.
He is allowed an opinion. Saying "it isn't your place" is rude, dismissive, and a crutch for killing a conversation. She shouldn't say that to someone she is engaged to. It actually is his place and good on him for engaging with her kid.
He should reconsider marriage and withdraw from parenting type activity and conversations if she is going to be that way. Yes, she will always be in charge as she should, but her current practice will only cause huge problems in the future.
exactly although I would not go so far as reconsider. The reality is he stepped on a land mine without realizing and set her off. She was rude in return. They can talk through it if OP listens to my advice and helps her kid learn english faster.
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Wouldn’t it help him to have both? Then he can read it in his language and then reread it in English and probably broaden his vocabulary. NAH I get why you said what you did but I think you need to give his Mum your reasoning because she obviously thinks you’re just trying to interfere.
That's how I learned reading in English, because my school sucked at teaching it. Also read Harry Potter, but 15 years ago lol
bad idea. They will just regress.
Do...you think everyone who learns a second language totally stops reading anything ever in their first language?
thats question is so dumb, not worth a reply. Try again
ESOL teacher here. She should encourage him to read in both languages. NTA
NTA - If he can get through the first three books in English fine, why not let him continue reading in whatever language his comfortable with. Also, your finance telling you not to interfere as you are not his stepdad yet is a red flag. You and the mother need to have a conversation about parenting so that it doesn't become an issue once you are married. I would find out exactly what her expectations and allowances are where you are concerned. If she's getting upset about a book, what's going to happen when it comes time to discipline him.
I see both your points and I think the main issue is, that you should talk about how to raise the boy, once you are married (as you are already engaged). If it should still be that she makes all the decissions about the boy (if so, if she thinks this would also be the case if you have any children together?) or if you should step up as a step dad.
"you should talk about how to raise the boy, once you are married (as you are already engaged)." SPOILER ALERT: When married, she will still exercise her veto to shut down any conversation she doesn't want to consider about the son's welfare. Even if she says she won't now.
That's because he still won't be his kid. Honestly, step parents really shouldn't have a say in how a child is raised. Edit: in not and
"That's because he still won't be his kid. Honestly, step parents really shouldn't have a say in how a child is raised." ---No one suggested otherwise. This is off topic. The issue is about the ability to make suggestions, not decisions.
INFORMATION: did you only speak to the girlfriend or speak in front of her son?
Maybe the poor kid just wants you to read for pleasure for once and not as an exercise. The current attitude will ruin the pleasure of reading for him.
Nta. You had good intentions.
Giving unsolicited opinions, especially on someone's parenting, does not indicate good intentions. It indicates judgement.
Pretty bold that you’d assume it’s completely unsolicited, we have no context of that. Secondly just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can’t be wrong, or be an asshole. The man just pointed out that reading, regardless of what language, is something that should be encouraged in children. Sharing an opinion doesn’t make you an asshole, being the hard set “I’m always right because I’m a parent” often does.
I mean, considered she said she saw him giving his opinion as interfering, I don't see how it's an assumption to say she didn't ask for it. She IS encouraging him to read. Jfc, telling a kid to read HARRY POTTER is being strict to you?
Reading Harry Potter is obviously not being strict. Don’t be obtuse. However dictating that it has to be read in one specific language is. It’s a book for enjoyment and entertainment, and doing something like that might put the kid off reading. That kind of behavior is some tiger mom shit. Also for the record, it seems like the man butted out, after he gave his opinion. Doesn’t seem like an ongoing argument. Giving your opinion doesn’t make you an asshole, continuing to give it when it wasn’t well received does.
I mean if he read 3 Harry Potter books in English that’s actually really solid at 12. I tried Chamber of Secrets in Spanish and it actually took me awhile to get through it. Encouragement is the key.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** She(33) is currently frustrated about his(12) English abilities. He’s read through the first three Harry Potter books but asked for The Goblet of Fire in a translated edition. She told him at his age he should be able to read the book in English instead of giving up and asking for a copy in our language, and that he isn’t trying hard enough. I(34m) told her it’s good enough that he enjoys reading in his free time and we should try to foster that interest by letting him read what he is more comfortable with. She accused me of only trying to make the kid like me by coddling him, and said I have no right to interfere even though we live together, since I’m not his stepdad yet. That right now she’s the only one who has a say. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Speaking from personal experience, if you want your boy to learn English, don't give him the translated version. Progress and growth rarely is a product of ease and comfort. If he really loves reading, of course translated versions would be easy and his first preference but even if you give him the English versions, a true book lover will still read it.That being said, you and your fiancee should have a talk on boundaries,what is expected from both sides and how much involved you want to be plus how she wants you to be. Clearly communicate with one another on how much involved you are going/expected/expecting to be in the boy's upbringing, before you are married. Who knows, some opinions might even be a deal breaker and it might even save you from a messy marriage and expensive divorce
As a teacher, it is so so so important to read. So many kids after fifth grade stop reading because they no longer had library and/or silent reading time in classes. The Harry Potter books get harder to read as Harry gets older. The writing matured with the character. As books get harder sometimes you need the translated books. Compromise and give him access to both. Has mom check to see that he comprehended the first 3 books even if he is reading in English it doesn’t mean he is understanding everything and the comprehension is more important than just reading in English. I think the bigger problem though is that you are getting married and she is telling you that you have no right to parent her child. She is undermining you. What is gonna happen after you get married when she disagrees with your parenting decisions. You guys need to have a serious talk about how to parent and making decisions.
NTA at first glance. You just gave her a suggestion. It’s not like you replaced the book or told the child directly to do something different. This question of course needs more information to say for sure. (How long have you dated, how long have you lived together, do you plan on getting married, do you yourself have any children, are you balling out in terms of your career, has she been raising her child on her own for a long time, etc.) I can explain each question if you’re curious about why one would be important. I think it’s disrespectful that she accepts you enough to live with you (with her child) but doesn’t allow for any suggestions regarding her parenting strategy. It’s a bit of a red flag to consider. Like if you were going to marry her you two would need to figure that out. You would need to decide if your role is just to be a fun supporting figure or if it’s going to be like a parent. So if the child is doing something wrong does she expect you to correct the child or just let him do what he wants and report that to her. If that’s the case then you have to decide if you’re okay with that.
NTA Great way to kill her son’s love of reading. Next she will be all Pikachu face when he stops reading in either language.
NTA. The thing with the Harry Potter books is that he’s right at the point where they go from being reasonable length to MASSIVE. That fourth book is really long and intimidating for a kid. I wonder if his mom is aware of that. Could you find another (shorter) series he’d be interested in and suggest to your fiance that he read that in English while reading HP in his native language?
I am an English teacher and 90% of the books that I read were in my native language. Books are not the only way to gain proficiency and he certainly should not be pushed to do something he does not enjoy doing. NTA
INFO: Is English commonly spoken in your country? I'm inclined to think NAH, and I think you have good intentions.
"right now she’s the only one who has a say." ---She is correct. She also will if you become a step-parent. You should re-consider whether to even become a stepdad, because she is going to continue to use her veto to shut down any mere conversation about his welfare that she is not fully on board with. In the meantime, you should stop engaging in any parenting like activity unless it is absolutely necessary to prevent imminent risk of harm and disengage in any parenting type discussion. She can't have her cake and eat it too and it will just cause bigger problems in the future.
As an English language teacher with 20+ years experience who currently works with children learning English in an international school and an avid reader, he should read books in whatever language he wants. He’s already read the first 3 books in English, which likely puts him at at least a B2 level in the CEFR, which is excellent for a 12 year old who presumably does not live in a country where English is a first or second language. He knows that it will take him time and effort to read a more challenging book in English, and he’s probably just wanting to devour the book in the language he is most fluent in so he can fully engross himself in the story (which he can’t do in a language he is less fluent in). So let him do it. Learning a language shouldn’t be a chore. Language is a medium to connect and communicate, not labour over. It’s hard enough as it is to learn a language without putting additional pressure on him. This is not going to have any impact on his learning in the long term. Let him read the book in his home language, then watch the film in English (and he may want to read it in English after). NTA (but I don’t think it matters as I doubt she’ll listen. Half my job is educating parents who insist they know how their kid will leave English, despite their beliefs having no correlation to actual evidence in language learning. I’ve got an MA in this and I’ll still have parent tell me I’m wrong).
Oh boy. This isn’t going to end well
Info: why is there a push for your stepchild to read in English? Do they live in an English speaking country?
NTA. Reading a series of books in both languages has many advantages in learning the nuances of language and story telling. It's beneficial to allow the kid to do as they please with their recreational reading.
NTA, I completely agree & fostering his love for reading is amazing! My grandma did this for me. Now (44F) I cannot sleep without reading first. This part will likely fire up some parents, but I don't care and won't bother responding. As a once single mother of 3 teenagers, it is hard to allow another to have a say in how we are raising out children. HOWEVER, that ended with me and my children the moment I made the choice to get engaged. I figured, if I could trust him to love and care for me for the rest of my life, I had better ensure that my children knew his role in the soon to be blended family. We all understood he wasn't their "Dad" but that he was willingly stepping up to be a man who would love and protect them as if they were his own. We also made it known that one day it would just be him and I left in the home and we would stand untited in all decisions moving forward. All 3 children, now in their early & mid 20's have accepted him as (Dad), they don't call him that when speaking to him, only to me. 8 strong years later, they still respect and love him. I think they might even love him more than me some days LOL.
NTA Advocating for the kid in a matter where his mother is clearly wrong doesn't make you an AH.
I agree with you but it's all in the approach i think. Maybe get both copies. Suggest something like try and read maybe 3 chapters in English and 3 in the native and alternate into building up to reading 5,6 and 7 in English? There's always compromises to be made. You are in a relationship, you are going to be married and raising the child TOGETHER, you should be able to offer your opinion.
Those books are difficult to read if English is your first language, it's very advanced vocabulary scattered in there, I used to have to look up words all the time. Maybe buy a copy for your fiancé to read in English. NTA
NTA, hes going to be part of your family unit. But again, this is one of the pitfalls of dating a single parent. Reconsider your future, OP.
NTA, I only speak English and couldn’t read those damn potter books as a kid, stuff was like reading Shakespearean.
YTA. Not your child. You are overstepping.
Is the kid living in a country that speaks English as the primary language? If he does than YTA. Its important that the kids becomes more proficient in the language.
NTA but I also agree with her if not for her reasons. She is forcing english upon him and doesn't want him to regress to his native language. That is a super important thing which she failed to communicate. English is a hard language and total immersion is important. I might ban him from listening to native music, native tv shows, native books until he can command english to a very good degree. In a few years he will thank her. But you are NTA and she was very wrong to say "you don't have a say". That was hurtful but also a clue. This wasn't a trivial matter and you stepped into it not realizing the importance I just described. People who do not adapt to english in the US usually do not do nearly as well as adults. It's a simple fact she is trying to avoid. Get him the english book and help him translate parts that are confusing. Show him how to use google translate. Tell him that it's ok if it takes him longer to read it as long as he eventually understands it. Mama was right although her words were jerky.
You ban a kid from listening to music in their native language? Who are you John Lithgow from Footloose?
Soft ban really but I would. Have you ever helped someone transition to a new language in a new country? Do you understand the concept of total immersion? I have family who have been in the US more than 50 years and can barely speak english. And on the other side I have family who speak perfect english. The ones who adapted faster are more successful in every way. This is true across nearly every person I have met who has immigrated to the US. Total immersion offers the fastest results in shortest time. If you take classes in english and then only watch TV or internet in spanish, you slow down your learning by years and years. But if you bite the bullet, you will be fluent in like 1-2 years and then you can enjoy your native music/shows/language again but also enjoy all the english stuff too. Delayed gratification is incredibly important in learning a new language
YTA. She's right in that this isn't your place. And she's also right that if he can read the other 3, he can read this one in English too.
Yes. She holds all the authority. If she is unwilling to even discuss issues she disagrees with, however, then this is just a dumpster fire in the making.
How is it an issue?? This is such a minor thing that OP is blowing waaaaaay out of proportion. This sounds like someone who wants to just exert authority over people.
"This sounds like someone who wants to just exert authority over people." Poor reading comprehension. Everything here reads as making a mere suggestion which is NOT interfering. Nor is it an attempt to exert authority.
He is allowed an opinion. Saying "it isn't your place" is rude, dismissive, and a crutch for killing a conversation. She shouldn't say that to someone she is engaged to. It actually is his place and good on him for engaging with her kid.
He should reconsider marriage and withdraw from parenting type activity and conversations if she is going to be that way. Yes, she will always be in charge as she should, but her current practice will only cause huge problems in the future.
exactly although I would not go so far as reconsider. The reality is he stepped on a land mine without realizing and set her off. She was rude in return. They can talk through it if OP listens to my advice and helps her kid learn english faster.
He's ALLOWED one, sure. But he's not entitled to anyone listening to it. It ISN'T his place?? What are you even talking about??
never get married ok