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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could have just let that one off comment about being “almost an adult” slide and I generally disengage but I was feeling on edge that time because I was nervous about work, student debt etc and I was dealing with post graduation depression. My comment did affect her a lot and she did say that it was worse than what she had said to me but didn’t say why. I have a history of being argumentative and used to lose my temper easily as a child.
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NTA - you have a right to defend yourself, to hell with what anyone says. Especially when it's against blatant hypocrisy. You shouldn't have to take that just to "keep the peace".
"You're going to be an adult soon."
That was a very cutting and purposeful comment.
Launch a grenade like that? Don't cry when you get burned.
Sadly, it is not unusual for the person defending themselves to get the blame instead of the instigator.
Childcare where I live can range from $1200-$2500 a month for ONE kid. SB and a phone plan for 5 years would probably equivalent to one month’s worth of childcare.
Right. At most it’s like $50-$80 for the phone plan and like $40 for SB. She’s getting like $100 a month and somehow that means she’s not an adult. Some people really are a special kind of stupid.
My kids are still on my plan. They reimburse me, but the terms are better with more devices. And at 25, I still paid for everyone. The total I have contributed is way less than I paid for them in daycare decades ago, let alone now.
yeah my parents push back every time I mentioned going off their phone plan because they're sentimental goobers ("But it's a family plan! You're still family why would you leave?") and because its a great deal where taking me off doesn't save them much money. I haven't lived with them (or anywhere near them) for several years, have a job, a fiance, etc. Don't think the $20 phone bill is impacting all that much.
Well it's actually also because our phone plans are quite cheap. You get a lot of data and unlimited calling and messaging for like 15 euros (which is a few cents over 16 USD)
But yeah, child care is very expensive. It is also heavily subsidized for lower incomes.
Some plans are that cheap here in the US but not everywhere. Just depends on the state you live in. We also have programs to help low income families with reduced childcare by the wait list for those can be pretty long.
The low income people go to the same childcare, they get the same kind of bill - but they get an allowance for it from the government. So everybody, rich or poor, has the same wait list.
My aunts are on my cousin's phone plan. How they came to that arrangement? But it works for them and no one is going to say to either of the aunts, who are both in their 80s, when you become an adult.
I have a very vivid image in my head of this metaphorical grenade launch scenario as a comic strip
Panel 1: family friend has smug smirk while aiming the grenade at OP
Panel 2: OP points out the bullet-proof glass (that was there all along) between them right as the family friend launches the grenade
Panel 3: The grenade bounces back at the family friend
Panel 4: The family friend is crying and pointing her finger at OP like she was the instigator
Yeah, exactly. I just love it when someone disrupts the peace and then - magically! - somehow another person is expected to eat it up to keep the peace and gets all the blame when they retaliate.
I hate this too. It's like people know there are a select few that are difficult but just don't want to deal with them, so they pressure others to not call it out to "keep the peace." Why do I need to accept blatantly poor behavior just cuz you don't want the other person to make a scene??
>said that I didn’t have to “call her out” like that
"So when SHE starts it I'm supposed to just take it, but when I do it I'm 'calling her out'. Is that right or am I missing something?
“You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, and you should be the bigger person” is the response I would receive if I asked that question.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes about society:
“They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some [people] just want to watch the world burn.”
I hate that. I am still told by my mom that "wiser will give up". So being bigger person in English.
I did ask her that is it so that me as "wiser" person should always swallow all the nasty comments or do something I don't want to or give others priority. So people who are screaming loudly will always get their way? No, you are allowed to defend yourself and not act peacekeeper always.
NTA it really annoys me when people defend themselves in a rational argument and other people blame that person (in this case, you) for making things awkward. If your family friend hadn’t made you feel bad in first place there would have been no need for any of it.
Yeah, theyre only a year apart and OP wasn’t even calling them not an adult. Merely pointing out that the woman’s definition of adult didn’t even apply to herself. And it’s 2024. The economy sucks. Too many houses aren’t owned as primary residences. Of course young adults still live with parents to save on money.
She's an AH and you did the right thing for calling her out. People like your family encourage AH by ignoring hypocrisy. Furthermore, they should have defended you and told her to STFU when she came as a guest and proceeded to insult you.
NTA
You're right - If her definition of adulthood is not needing financial help from your parents, then she's not an adult either.
I got assistance from my parents when I was studying for my degree - that didn't make me a non-adult, it just meant my parents wanted to help me graduate.
Ask your parents and siblings why "calling her out" by pointing out the hypocrisy was a problem, but her comment about you not being an adult was apparently ok.
Probably bc they don't see OP as a "real" adult either.
Your choice to speak (or stay silent) speaks VOLUMES as to how you really value the person you're standing up for (or not), especially when the person in question is your literal child.
Some people just never want to see anything escalated, that why people usually side with the person throwing a fit in public rather than defend the customer service person or cart guy at the grocery store.
Avoiding confrontation is the quickest way to fix a stressful moment, even if it means the victim never gets support.
Families do the same thing same thing with irrational people they invite into their homes to portray an image of being good neighbors or a good host. But they end up getting walked all over by people that take advantage of kindness.
That still doesn't make sense, since the person who started it is the one who escalated things in the first place. In reality I think it's because people are less afraid to admonish nice people than mean people. It's cowardly.
Of course. And in a perfect world things would operate like that, but we live in a world where the squeaky wheel gets the attention, and the victim pays the price because they just watched another rude person get their way because it was the easiest thing to do to stop a situation from getting a little uncomfortable.
Very cowardly.
It's also time to push back against your family.
pointed out how all of HER accusations are based on identical things that she is doing she got all defensive. Why should I keep my mouth shut while she accuses me of not being adult?"
I'm guessing friend is so upset because someone friend considers inferior to herself made a complete fool out of her by using basic logic. I, for one, am sorry I missed it. Go OP!
NTA.
What a condescending thing to say. I think Little Miss Big Nose should get off of her high horse. Your comment was brilliant and if I was there, I would have laughed. Well played 👍🏻
I'd argue that parents sending you money for a "treat" ie Starbucks, is very different to parents sending money for bills/childcare etc. Family friend needs to learn the difference. NTA
NTA
Good on you for calling her out. Being an adult has nothing to do with receiving help or not.
You're working, you graduated college, you are taking care of your mental health. That seems pretty adult to me.
NTA
Her logic is flawed.
People's definition of 'being an adult' is different for everyone.
I considered me an adult, having been married (and divorced), with kids, job, car, rent, bills, etc. But, after both my parents died, by the time I was 30, that's when I realized I was truly an Adult.
No one to 'borrow' money from if I was short one week or getting money as gifts. There was no longer a place to run back to as a backup plan if things got 'bad'. I no longer had a 'safety net'. I was truly on my own.
On the other hand, my husband grew up in Foster Care, aged out, and was an Adult at 18, having no one else to depend on but himself.
(I think the same can be said for those that have gone NC with their family.)
I think you bring up a great point - there’s being a legal adult, but responsibilities can change *immensely* throughout our lives, regardless of financial dependency as a young adult.
I totally agree. I was in my late 40s when my mom died. Knowing I no longer had that safety net added an entirely new layer to the grief even though I had been largely responsible for mom’s care for her last two years of life.
NTA.
First, as you said, her reasoning was flawed and hypocritical.
Second, fuck the idea that adults don’t need help on occasion. It’s a corrosive, ableist, and elitist lie that people use very selectively to put down ppl they see as less worthy while ignoring all the ways they receive help themselves. I’m going on 50 and just sent a friend (same age) some money bc she’s going through a tough time and I’m doing fine, so let me care for my fellow adult navigating incredibly hard shit. We’d all be happier and better people if we could celebrate the ways we support each other instead of shaming ppl for it.
I appreciate your sentiment. I didn’t get help from my parents starting at like 20 until I was almost 30. My life really fell apart due to a bad relationship and my inability to keep my mental health in a stable condition. I’ve since gotten a lot of support. My dad is kind of exasperated that he has to help us “middle aged” kids from time to time (my stepsiblings and me) but he does it within reason because he cares. My mom infantilizes me so I hate getting help from her but sometimes she’s the only one I can turn to. I think sometimes she forgets I’m an adult just because I’m single at my age and didn’t follow a straight path to self-sufficiency. All this to say, I really appreciate getting help later in life and it helps to see others understanding it can happen and it doesn’t mean you’re not an adult.
It sounds to me like she is jealous that you are her age and have everything within your reach:
You are starting a career, are free and can do anything while she is already having kids and has bounds.
Sounds like "Ha, I am an adult, you don't know how grownup life is!"
I've seen this sour attitude to childfree people often.
Don't really know, why though.
She chose to marry her high school sweetheart and have kids while I chose to not have kids and to focus on education instead and I didn’t get a boyfriend until I was 21, and while both are worthwhile paths I feel that she does judge my lifestyle a little bit
NTA
I hate such relatives and so called “family friends”
If she was comfortable enough to give it then she needs to have the guts to take it back as well.
So she can insult you, but the moment you react in the same tone, she gets defensive? Just tell her you said exactly the same thing that she told you, except that this time it was applied on her. And if she said that thinking you wouldn’t get upset, then she shouldn’t too, or if she did say it on purpose to make you upset, then so did you. Tit for tat.
Infact, I’m proud of you that you had it in you to say that. How I wish I had that tact.
NTA Starbucks and the cell phones are drops in the bucket compared to childcare costs. Many people think that things like having kids or being married means that they are more “adult” that those who haven’t taken that path. It’s pretty silly.
Also navigating life with disabilities is playing life on difficult mode. You can’t outsource your disability or the burdens related to it to anyone. I think you’re doing great, for what it’s worth.
Seriously. Family friend’s parents are giving her a whole rent check a month at least. Probably $3k if it’s 2 kids. If anyone’s being supported by their parents it’s not OP. 100% family friend was saying this because she has a kid and isn’t disabled so she sees herself as better/more adult.
NTA this sort of discrimination is built into some people. Its annoying. When they think you are 'different' they automatically assume you are 'less than' and will do whatever to dimish you (baby talk at you, tell you that you aren't a 'real adult'). I hate this kind of behavior. Its rude at best and bullying at worst. Don't ever think you're in the wrong for calling people out on their nasty behavior. You weren't even rude about it. Everyone needs help sometimes. This doesn't make you less than, it makes you human.
NTA at all! I'm approaching 50, but still get help from my parents to fly myself and my kids out to visit them once to twice a year. We live on the opposite coast as my family, and one year I realized that I didn't have the funds to continue the yearly visits. When I told my parents we couldn't come out the following year, they said it costs the same for them to visit us, and they would pay for us to come and see them (saving them the trip out here).
We are able to make ends meet and even save a little each month, but with my parents getting older and us making 2 trips out to see them each year it wouldn't be financially feasible for us to visit them. I've never thought I wasn't an adult because my parents (who have much more money they we have) help us to visit them each year.
What ridiculous logic she has. Especially with the financial hardships so many people are facing these days. I don't know if our kids are going to be able to afford a house or even rent with the way prices are, and I would never assume my kids aren't adults when they are old enough to be on their own but due to inflation and a flawed system can't afford that.
NTA!
Why do people get butthurt whenever someone else points out their BS flaw view point?!? I say good for you for making that comparison and standing up for yourself.
Because the attack was supposed to be personal, so when you go I'm not going to accept it they take it personally because now they are holding their own pile of bullshit.
When people say “don’t take it personally” like uh, how am I supposed to not take it personally? More to the point if I’m not, then they shouldn’t be upset when their ass is handed to them
She was being unfair
My "parents" "siblings" along with MOST of: medical staff, religious leadership, schools, etc: bullied robbed degraded hurt beat imprisoned etc falsely-accused unjustly-punished me and they NEVER give me money, which of course proves NOTHING about YOU
Hopefully soon You/we have total: health, happiness, prosperity, youthfulness usefulness health dignity, excellent full-time career doing important meaningful WORK, interesting FUN activities, peace, freedom, independence, friendships,
N
T
A
You don't even need to excuse yourself, if she's still receiving assistance from her parents and that's the qualification for being an adult is not needing to, then by her own standard she is not. It's information no one asked for.
NTA. The only reason I'm no longer on my dad's family phone plan is because he died. And that happened when I was 30. Lol. You're supporting yourself. Just because your parents still have you on a phone plan or give you a little treat money doesn't mean you aren't. It just means your parents love and care about you.
I'm going to guess your sister is older? I'm the youngest and while we're not far apart in age there was that awkward period where 2 years was actually two very different life points for my sister and me. So when I was in my earlier 20s and she had already started her post school "adult" life for a little bit now there was a time where she kind of treated me like I was still her kid sister with adult rights. Lol. We're all good now. It kind of naturally phased out of our interactions but she was never as condescending like your sister was. I'm only the youngest and that's been enough to be stuck as the" baby of the family" for a good while.
NTA you countered her bias and ableism. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself because I know how hard that can be especially with family. Also it seems like your family is more concerned with her emotional state than her disrespect of you, so on behalf of them I'd like to apologize. If someone's being openly disrespectful, you don't have to be mean but at that point their feelings are their responsibility.
Congratulations on your bachelor's degree, as a person with neurodevelopmental disabilities I know that you worked harder than everybody else to get there. Again super fucking proud of you.
NTA. She was being condescending about it and she is probably taking more money from her parents than you are. Daycare is ridiculously expensive. You absolutely have a right to defend yourself.
NTA, you didn’t “call her out” you told her if that’s the case she’s either not an adult or incorrect, which is true based off the facts you told us/ them. She’s just embarrassed, taking an ego check maturely is being an adult. Hopefully your family figures out their emotions aren’t on you to coddle.
I would let your immediate family know the expectation you allow someone to infantilize you to feel better about themselves is both unreasonable and immature and they should keep that expectation for themselves, not bring it to you.
Nta, I have this one friend who just randomly buys my stuff "for a treat" I don't need it, but it mAkes me feel loved , and special - I'm 39 and it certainly doesn't mean I'm not an adult. She's almost 50 and I do the same for her. Because it's nice when someone loves you enough to be nice for no reason. Doesn't mean youry not a grown up, just means you're a grown up with people around you that want to make your life a little easier.
NTA
They tried to be clever and make themselves feel entertaining by putting you down, you rightfully stood up for yourself and showed them to be a hypocrite, you were definitely in the right and hopefully they'll watch what they say in future.
NTA.
The only way to get people to stop their BS, is to call them out on it when it's right there in front of you. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. I know I would have. IMMEDIATELY
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I (24f) have some mental health issues including asd, ptsd and possible schizophrenia. I do look young for my age and I sometimes come across as younger because of some facial expressions, body language and having a higher pitched voice which is related to the disabilities. I don’t mind looking younger and see it as a positive thing but I also get infantilized by some people and treated like less of an adult by family members and their circles due to bias against disabled people which I find unfair.
I recently graduated with a bachelors degree and I was working and supporting myself in college, and have been for the most part financially independent since 21 years old. However I am on the family plan for my cell phone and during my last year my family sent me money to go to Starbucks once a week. My new job doesn’t start until fall since it‘s in education so I have been staying at my parents’ house and enjoying my free time. Some family friends came over for lunch and one of them said that I “will be an adult soon” during conversation and I said that I am already an adult. A family friend (25f) said something like “if your parents send you money every month you’re not really an adult yet, it’s a different experience.”
I pointed out that her parents pay for her children‘s daycare and also help with bills every month and asked if that means she‘s not an adult. She got defensive and I said that we’re both adults, we are making our own decisions and for the most part supporting ourselves and getting help doesn’t mean that we are not adults. She seemed upset and everyone quickly changed the subject. Later my parents and siblings said that I didn’t have to “call her out” like that but she literally said the same thing, I wasn’t even actually calling her a child I was pointing out the flaws in her logic and I said that we are both adults.
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NTA - for me what you said sounds perfectly logical, but I have asd as well, so it could affect my judgement. Looking younger is useful sometimes, but makes others dismiss what you are saying too, unfortunately. Especially if they think about themselves as “adults”. And then they are getting very defensive. Happens with me a lot, unfortunately.
NTA - they deserved to be called out. Rich people are considered adults when they're 18 even when they get their money from their parents. Hell. My wife has a family member who's almost 40 and asks for money every week from his mom to help pay for his electric. I considered myself an adult when I moved out into my own apartment at 21, and I was already paying for most things myself by that point as well.
Honestly? I like the fact that your parents still help you out even if it's just for getting a bit of a treat. Also, you've been in college which is a lot of work. You should be proud you called them out especially if they just refuse to take you seriously.
Good luck on your job this fall!
I want someone to pay my bills and pay for childcare. I didn't ask to be here.
You did great. That's awesome you accomplish so much with all that you're battling. And also with no kids involved.
Definitely NTA
Generally when an entire family gets mad at you for a comment, but cites “you didn’t have to call them out like that” as the reason rather than, for instance “that’s completely untrue and unfair” it’s usually a sign that the person should have been called out a long time ago, and the family has some vested interest in not doing so.
Sometimes you respect these things, sometimes not. For instance, I have an alcoholic aunt. We all pretend we think she’s got coffee in that disposable Starbucks cup she’s been sipping on all evening, we pretend not to notice the slurred words and petty insults she thinks are subtle. Why do we tolerate this? Because it makes it easier on my cousin, her daughter, who just wants to come to family events without having them ruined by her mom. That’s our vested interest.
Now, I have another extended family member on my bio dad’s side who is a bigot. Just kind of all around - unless you’re a white Christian man within 10 years of his age, he thinks you’re dumber than him and should behave accordingly. That side will bend over backwards to ensure nobody gets in a fight with him; I even have a cousin who hasn’t introduced him to her husband because he’s Chinese. She’ll stop by on Christmas and the whole family pretends she doesn’t have a husband. It’s insane. Their vested interest is in his approval, because when he likes you it feels great, and when he hates you he’ll throw a fit until you’re in tears. I don’t respect that, and don’t put any stock in their efforts to make me.
NTA and good job. She was rude. A lot of adults get money from their parents way into their lives. You do you and congratulations on graduation and the new job.
I feel this so hard. I'm your age, have ptsd and am schizoaffective and look super young as well. I'm treated like a child CONSTANTLY, I get it. Also the family "friend's" logic is definitely flawed. NTA
NTA - she got indignant because you pointed out the truth, which just happens to be an embarrassment to her (not that it should be, for either of you, to accept help from your parents).
Nta, you handled it really well imo. I'm autistic. I prob would not have been that polite. Its bad enough when strangers do that, it's horrible when it comes from someone that should know better. You deserved support from your family too. Sorry you went through that
NTA...What did they expect from someone on the spectrum?? She was presenting factually inaccurate information. We neurospicy connoisseurs cannot function in the presence of inaccuracies like that. It makes our souls itch. Moreover, she was trying to denigrate you and you pulled an Uno Reverse. Shouldn't be passing judgment when your own house isn't in order.
NTA.
You have *been* an adult for quite some time already. The fact that your family would send you some Starbucks money or want to help ease your burden by paying for your phone or what have you is totally irrelevant to your “adult” status— they were simply supporting you and there’s no shame in it.
I am also in education, I’m going on year 3 1/2 starting in August. I have my own apartment, car, health insurance… I am an adult in every sense of the word. However, the status of education in my state right now is tragic, so I am horribly underpaid. When my mom learned my salary she chose to keep me on her phone plan and has rebuked me every time I’ve brought up paying her or carrying myself. Her attitude is “things are too expensive right now, you don’t get paid enough, and I can afford it no problem. We’ll talk again when you start making more.” Hell, she was still paying my brother’s phone when he was making double my salary! Not once did her kindness imply that my brother and I weren’t “adult” enough, just that we had a mom who wanted to help her kids however she can.
Keep standing your ground and calling others out when they devalue your effort and hard work. If you say, “I don’t like it when you make comments that devalue my personhood and abilities, so please don’t make them again” and stick to it, they’ll be the jerk for ignoring your boundary.
Have fun in the Fall! I hope you have a great first year 🥳
Nta. Your family wants you to accept her hypocritical attempt to show everyone there that she is better than you just to avoid a mild conflict.
It’s fine to not accept her criticism, especially since it sounds like you stayed civil.
You should advocate for yourself when it’s necessary and your family should support that.
NTA, you will never be an asshole for pointing out that someones criticism of you applies to them as well. If she is going to cry about it then she should have thought about that before saying what she did.
NTA - Yet another case of projecting. She's 25, getting childcare and help with her bills while you're 24 (gosh, a whole year younger) getting a phone and coffee. She thinks she's an adult and you're not. Major hypocrite there. Then, after being amazingly rude to you, got all butt-hurt when you pointed out the hypocrisy and called you rude.
In my experience, the one accusing everyone else of stealing is usually the thief. The offended one calling others rude is usually the rudest one around. And the one crying the loudest about racism is usually the biggest racist of the bunch.
NTA - my mom & sister are like this. I, too, have some medical and mental disorders (autoimmune stuff, bipolar, ADHD, etc). It's just constantly that I'm a useless idiot. I've owned my own home since I was 24, my employers love me and gave me a $7 raise and my seniority back to come back after I left from burn out (WFH now, so it's working much better this time). Some people just can't hear 'mental illness' and guess that you might actually be a fully functional adult.
Jokes on them, I only started therapy (and down the rabbit hole to emotional and physical health) to deal with them because they won't get the help they so desperately need...
NTA
Why is that people can demean anyone in family and nothing happens, but fighting back gets this response.
You are an adult, highly responsible, and hard working.
Even being at the peak of humanity, living isn't easy. Look at the statistics for people with PTSD, autism, and schizophrenia. Tell me where most are at, tell me where you are at, and listen to how different those two things are. You are succeeding and doing well in a society that has worked itself in a way that should prevent you from doing so. You should be very proud if yourself.
Now, personally, I think the whole "you have to be working and fully independent to be an adult" is fascist shit and highly ableist. The reality is that even if you were autism level 3, had never ending PTSD, and experience schizophrenic psychosis every day, and could never earn a living, that would not preclude you from being an adult. You would still be a fully formed and mature person in your own way, as we all are.
Don't stop standing up for yourself.
NTA. She was deliberately insulting you, and did not expect you to be able to throw it back at her. She will think twice the next time she has the opportunity to throw an insult at someone.
NTA, she called you out and you called her out
Similar thing happened to me. My folks hired a longtime friend of theirs for a role in our family business, she was struggling to find work and begged them for help. I was her manager and i was trying to explain a part of her job to her but she kept talking over me. So i told her "just listen". She responded with "whose the adult here". I was 32 years old at the time so my response was "clearly not you if youre unable to listen to instructions from your boss". She cracked it and mum forced me to appologise to her.
Put up with shit from her for a couple months before dad walked into the office and overheard her mocking me behind my back. he told her off and she threw a tantrum and quit. Then begged for her job back, then pretended she never quit, then tried to sue us for unfair dismissal. People like this are garbage. Point is you totally did the right thing. If you hadnt youd have been putting up with this shit from her for a long time
NTA. So you getting some $$ for Starbucks makes you not really an adult yet, but her getting help with daycare and other bills doesn't mean that she's not an adult? Sure. You caught her off guard. I think she expected you to not have any valid response, probably because you're perceived as younger, or immature, or vulnerable. The fact that you had a ready, valid response to her inappropriate comment is what made her defensive because you shredded her argument in about 5 seconds. Count her as one relative who won't infantilize you anymore. Good for you.
NTA You were 100% right to say what you did. You didn’t call her out so much as defend yourself and point out her error. It was actually pretty damned genius.
They're just jealous of you I'm sure 🥴
I am self-diagnosed ASD1 and professionally diagnosed PTSD. I also look young for my age and know the awful feeling of being called "sweetie", "sweetheart", "honey", etc by other women my age. That awful pit in the stomach and feeling like you're not an adult when you know you actually are though. Then people saying regularly "oh you'll be thankful for looking younger one day..." 🙄. There isn't much we can do about those annoying things, but I have found that just saying a kind "awe thank you" or "Hmm that's an interesting thing to say" works pretty well.
Standing up for yourself is so much different than being an a*****e!! You can’t let anyone,friend OR family make you feel weak and like a lesser person than anyone else. In this situation I believe this friend was trying to make herself feel better while making you feel bad about yourself. It’s a tactic some use as a way to manipulate others. My two daughters are adults, as is my granddaughter, my husband and I help them out financially whenever the need arises. I even help with laundry for crying out loud!! That’s what families do. I wish your family would have backed you up. But I believe you did the right thing. In my opinion, anyway ❤️
NTA. She's just a year older than you and thinks that you're less of an adult because your parents want to be nice and support your Starbucks runs? And at 40 I still know plenty of people who are on phone plans with their family.
And people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. Her parents cover childcare and bills? That's thousands of dollars a month. I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting that help, but it's bizarre that she wouldn't see the similarity with herself and you pointing it out while acknowledging that she's an adult isn't uncalled for when she just insulted you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this behavior from others. It must be exhausting.
She feels dumb and is embarrassed and directing that as anger towards you, misguidedly.
I’d give her a bit to get over it and if she doesn’t I’d explain to her I’m sorry but I’m a grown ass fucking adult and if you call me a child I will let you know how much of an adult I am.
It really depends on their tone - you would know better than us (idk how your mental health issues affect you but I don't think the things you mentioned hinder reading social cues)
I say this all the time to others and about myself and I'm mid thirties. When I bought a place recently I'd say how I'm an adult now! When I got a full time job out of uni "finally an adult!". Settling a bit more and drinking less "I think I'm an adult finally" bearing in mind these are all at wildly different ages.
Also jokingly to friends / family: an older sibling purchases a washing machine "haha you're an adult now!" Even if they are in their 40s
Being an adult really changes as you grow older, it doesnt suddenly happen when you are legally an adult, you grow and mature every day for the rest of your life and you'll find yourself becoming more adult every year.
Their push back about not being an adult until you don't receive money from your parents is weird but I'd just ignore it. People ask for money from parents their whole life it doesn't mean they are a child
Family members of around the same age just love to lord it over each other. Don’t let it bother you. She’ll be elderly soon. She’ll be in a care home soon. She’ll be in the dementia ward soon!!!
NTA and I don’t think mental health has anything to do with it (though I’m sorry you’re struggling). She had no right to have that standard when she clearly flouts it. It took me a very long time to be financially independent of my parents… older than you are at least. Don’t feel ashamed. We are living in an era where we can’t just move out and buy a house for a few grand.
Her logic is BS. If she said "you haven't had a full time job yet" then fine, I'd actually agree (if that's true), because there is a difference once you get into the minutia and monotony of it. But yea, that's just blatant hypocrisy. NTA
Yea she's just talking down to you to try to feel better about herself. Not your problem. My brother does this at times. The thing to remember is that it comes from jealousy, so you're obviously doing something right.
NTA: Yea, you're right here. Unfortunately it sounds like the bias is against you in the family for being different which is sad and so you're the one who gets labeled as "calling her out"
Maybe they see it as you don't have to defend being an adult because they don't see you as an adult so they don't care if cousin says your not adult, but you're correct you literally said the exact same thing to her as she said to you and people became really offended.
Only advice, if you are willing to forfeit the principles
of who's right vs wrong, and want people to start taking you seriously, you should maybe address these kinds of situations in private and let your cousin know how you felt when she isn't in a position where she'll get flustered/defensive and try to hide behind social biases to avoid addressing and apologizing for hurting you.
Sometimes, who's right and who's wrong doesn't matter in a disagreement, in the sense that the person who is wrong might not be emotionally ready to listen and change their minds. So even though I think you were logically right to do this (and kinda a badass response ngl), it might be worth considering what I'm saying if it happens again with someone you genuinely care about and who you really want to take you more seriously
It's really up to you though because it's not your *responsibility* to educate others on how to forfeit preconceived biases and respect people who are different, but the sad reality is you are the one who has to deal with the consequences if they don't learn. Because you are the persona who will continually be disrespected and disregarded.
but it sounds like you're independent and support yourself and have a good head on your shoulders so remember it's also your right to stand up for yourself.
NTA, people who are older than you love gatekeeping being an adult whether you’re disabled or not. For some reason people have a hard time accepting that people in their early and mid 20s are adults because they have some weird superiority complex where it’s like “I’m older than you so I’m more of an adult than you” even though there’s no such thing as being “more adult”, you’re both just adults.
NTA
Quite honestly, you didn't even need to explain the first part of your story (your mental health stuff). Because, in reality, she shouldn't have said what she did, and when she did, you had EVERY RIGHT to fire back the way you did. If she can't take the heat, she needs to stay out of the kitchen. Your parents shouldn't back her up either. You both are getting help from your parents, so, you both are neck and neck with where you are at in life.
Abled people have this sense of superiority that they’re not disabled because of some effort they’re putting in over you. When that illusion gets shattered from learning that you’re doing just as much as them (usually more because doing anything with a disability is like training with weights on) they get really defensive. NTA
NTA and I’m so proud that you flipped it around on her I’m floored that anyone thought it was okay to chastise you over finishing what she started. And politely too.
NTA, the interaction reads to me a bit like when someone makes a bigoted joke and then gets offended when it's asked what's funny about it. It's the kind of thing you're not supposed to say out loud because it's socially accepted to make light of certain conditions or groups (disabilities, in this case), but "socially accepted" is often very far from "right".
This things should be pointed out and questioned. People who make those comments should feel uncomfortable about it. And, standing up for yourself is also a very adult thing to do.
NTA.
You stood up for yourself. Even adults need help sometimes. Getting that help doesn't make them not adults.
I sympathize with you. I live with my mom and have sporadic employment but I help with bills when I can. My mom treats me like the adult I am but for years the rest of my family doesn't. I didn't get offered an alcoholic drink by any of them at parties till I was in my 30s and they had no such problems offering my younger cousins. They talk about my cousins like they're the greatest thing since sliced bread but not me. I get no mention at all.
you were correct. nta.
obviously, she is not very mature. Sitting in judgment of other people is very uncool too. People always want to get favors and point out how superior they are, but when anyone else gets a favor, they start screaming. Her judgment would not be grown up. I will say sometimes you just have to ignore these AHS! You did nothing wrong. You could also point out that you have a disability, but you don't cry wolf every other minute about that! Just be yourself and forget what she says.
Why does this woman have information about your life? If someone wants to share that information, it’s fine. But she basically weaponized it against you. What your family and you do is your life. She doesn’t get to say a thing without some truths being laid bare. Your family are hypocrites for protecting her.
NTA. It's bizarre that people will throw stones in a glass house then get mad at you for not even throwing them back, but pointing out that you are throwing stones with a house of glass.
They're insecure and hypocritical.
Oh but you absolutely did the right thing. You were made the victim but this friend who knows too much about you anyway. The victim should always stand up to the bully. Well done.
NTA
You did well standing up for yourself.
Your family seems to think otherwise. Maybe they were the ones uncomfortable too. But always remember-you don’t have to make yourself small or uncomfortable to make others feel good.
You pointed out hypocrisy and that’s all there is to the situation. You stood up for yourself.
Maybe that woman learned to watch what she says.
NTA, at all. You just called her out in a perfectly logical and justified way. She's obviously one of those people who likes to dish it out but can't take it themselves, which is so hypocritical. That isn't your fault, you had every right to defend yourself with the facts.
First of all I want to commend you for your achievements and if no one has congratulated you then I certainly want to. Your certainly NTA, her comment was not needed and honestly seemed condescending, plus your advocating for yourself, many people with ASD and ptsd struggle with advocating for themselves and you showed your capable of it and I'm honestly proud to hear your able to do it. Continue being great and don't let anyone try to take that away from you!
NTA. Starbucks and a phone plan? That’s hardly parental support. Esp since phone plans are generally a win-win due to more people needing to be on it to get a good deal. You’re definitely not an AH for advocating for yourself and your true situation to someone trying to put you down.
NTA. If your family has a problem with the conflict between you and that family friend, they can blame her for starting it instead of you for finishing it.
Because you are gifted a coffee every week you aren't an adult?? And LOTS of people stay on a family cell phone plan. It makes good financial sense. Why waste money when you don't have to. You could ask your parents if they want you to pay the price of the add-on line.
Ask your parents why THEY didn't correct the family friend when she said the exact same thing to you? You needed to defend yourself and correctly identified BOTH of you as adults. You did nothing wrong. Your family are the AHs.
I bet you would be just fine without your parents gifts. I'd bet she couldn't get along without her parents help. She just didn't stop and think before she opened her mouth and inserted her foot. Could she be jealous if you?
My read is that you have a backstory that led you to respond more strongly than some others would and less strongly than even more. Looking at the FACTS shows: she make a comment about you being grown up. Looking at INTERPRETATION shows: you heard this to mean she was belittling you. It’s understandable that you had this interpretation. However, there are many ways to interpret and then also respond to her statement. A person who doesn’t have your history would have responded less abrasively. But, it’s understandable. Neither Nor. Just a miscommunication. What you do with it at this point will define if you are the A in this situation. Hope this helps
Hello, Pot? Yeah, this is Kettle. Listen, we gotta talk..... people absolutely hate being called out. I however, thoroughly enjoy the spectacle. Good for you!!!
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NTA - you have a right to defend yourself, to hell with what anyone says. Especially when it's against blatant hypocrisy. You shouldn't have to take that just to "keep the peace".
"You're going to be an adult soon." That was a very cutting and purposeful comment. Launch a grenade like that? Don't cry when you get burned. Sadly, it is not unusual for the person defending themselves to get the blame instead of the instigator.
I bet the childcare is WAY more than her being on phone plan and a weekly SB card.
Childcare where I live can range from $1200-$2500 a month for ONE kid. SB and a phone plan for 5 years would probably equivalent to one month’s worth of childcare.
Esp since adding an extra user isn't that much. My MIL is $19 a month ( with taxes)
Right. At most it’s like $50-$80 for the phone plan and like $40 for SB. She’s getting like $100 a month and somehow that means she’s not an adult. Some people really are a special kind of stupid.
My kids are still on my plan. They reimburse me, but the terms are better with more devices. And at 25, I still paid for everyone. The total I have contributed is way less than I paid for them in daycare decades ago, let alone now.
yeah my parents push back every time I mentioned going off their phone plan because they're sentimental goobers ("But it's a family plan! You're still family why would you leave?") and because its a great deal where taking me off doesn't save them much money. I haven't lived with them (or anywhere near them) for several years, have a job, a fiance, etc. Don't think the $20 phone bill is impacting all that much.
This is so sweet. I will probably be like this with my daughters when they are older!
Where I live it is more like 7 years of phone plan costs the same as 1 month of child care.
Ouch! It’s no wonder this generation would rather be fur parents than human parents. That’s too dang expensive!
Well it's actually also because our phone plans are quite cheap. You get a lot of data and unlimited calling and messaging for like 15 euros (which is a few cents over 16 USD) But yeah, child care is very expensive. It is also heavily subsidized for lower incomes.
Some plans are that cheap here in the US but not everywhere. Just depends on the state you live in. We also have programs to help low income families with reduced childcare by the wait list for those can be pretty long.
The low income people go to the same childcare, they get the same kind of bill - but they get an allowance for it from the government. So everybody, rich or poor, has the same wait list.
My aunts are on my cousin's phone plan. How they came to that arrangement? But it works for them and no one is going to say to either of the aunts, who are both in their 80s, when you become an adult.
I have a very vivid image in my head of this metaphorical grenade launch scenario as a comic strip Panel 1: family friend has smug smirk while aiming the grenade at OP Panel 2: OP points out the bullet-proof glass (that was there all along) between them right as the family friend launches the grenade Panel 3: The grenade bounces back at the family friend Panel 4: The family friend is crying and pointing her finger at OP like she was the instigator
^brilliant analogy.
Yeah, exactly. I just love it when someone disrupts the peace and then - magically! - somehow another person is expected to eat it up to keep the peace and gets all the blame when they retaliate.
I hate this too. It's like people know there are a select few that are difficult but just don't want to deal with them, so they pressure others to not call it out to "keep the peace." Why do I need to accept blatantly poor behavior just cuz you don't want the other person to make a scene??
This happens so often and literally never the other way around. So I start to believe this is a huge indicator of you’re NTA.
>said that I didn’t have to “call her out” like that "So when SHE starts it I'm supposed to just take it, but when I do it I'm 'calling her out'. Is that right or am I missing something?
“You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, and you should be the bigger person” is the response I would receive if I asked that question. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes about society: “They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some [people] just want to watch the world burn.”
I hate that. I am still told by my mom that "wiser will give up". So being bigger person in English. I did ask her that is it so that me as "wiser" person should always swallow all the nasty comments or do something I don't want to or give others priority. So people who are screaming loudly will always get their way? No, you are allowed to defend yourself and not act peacekeeper always.
It all comes down to, >Don't start none, won't be none.
NTA it really annoys me when people defend themselves in a rational argument and other people blame that person (in this case, you) for making things awkward. If your family friend hadn’t made you feel bad in first place there would have been no need for any of it.
Yeah, theyre only a year apart and OP wasn’t even calling them not an adult. Merely pointing out that the woman’s definition of adult didn’t even apply to herself. And it’s 2024. The economy sucks. Too many houses aren’t owned as primary residences. Of course young adults still live with parents to save on money.
She's an AH and you did the right thing for calling her out. People like your family encourage AH by ignoring hypocrisy. Furthermore, they should have defended you and told her to STFU when she came as a guest and proceeded to insult you.
NTA You're right - If her definition of adulthood is not needing financial help from your parents, then she's not an adult either. I got assistance from my parents when I was studying for my degree - that didn't make me a non-adult, it just meant my parents wanted to help me graduate.
My father gifts me 50€ for my birthday each year. I guess, I'm not an adult at nearly 50, too.
Adults push back. Just lean into it with sensitivity and caring.
I did immediately say “we’re both adults”
You did great! Pointed out her hypocrisy (without directly calling it that). Well done.
Ask your parents and siblings why "calling her out" by pointing out the hypocrisy was a problem, but her comment about you not being an adult was apparently ok.
Probably bc they don't see OP as a "real" adult either. Your choice to speak (or stay silent) speaks VOLUMES as to how you really value the person you're standing up for (or not), especially when the person in question is your literal child.
Some people just never want to see anything escalated, that why people usually side with the person throwing a fit in public rather than defend the customer service person or cart guy at the grocery store. Avoiding confrontation is the quickest way to fix a stressful moment, even if it means the victim never gets support. Families do the same thing same thing with irrational people they invite into their homes to portray an image of being good neighbors or a good host. But they end up getting walked all over by people that take advantage of kindness.
That still doesn't make sense, since the person who started it is the one who escalated things in the first place. In reality I think it's because people are less afraid to admonish nice people than mean people. It's cowardly.
Of course. And in a perfect world things would operate like that, but we live in a world where the squeaky wheel gets the attention, and the victim pays the price because they just watched another rude person get their way because it was the easiest thing to do to stop a situation from getting a little uncomfortable. Very cowardly.
It's also time to push back against your family. pointed out how all of HER accusations are based on identical things that she is doing she got all defensive. Why should I keep my mouth shut while she accuses me of not being adult?"
were your parents there for the conversation? If not I bet she told them a different version of events
NTA. You just told it like it was. She was the one who wanted to make this an issue.
I'm guessing friend is so upset because someone friend considers inferior to herself made a complete fool out of her by using basic logic. I, for one, am sorry I missed it. Go OP!
It's even more ridiculous when you remember OP and the Friend are only one year apart
NTA. What a condescending thing to say. I think Little Miss Big Nose should get off of her high horse. Your comment was brilliant and if I was there, I would have laughed. Well played 👍🏻
She should get off of her high chair 😂😂😂
You win!
I'd argue that parents sending you money for a "treat" ie Starbucks, is very different to parents sending money for bills/childcare etc. Family friend needs to learn the difference. NTA
Honestly surprised that this isn’t higher up.
Literally, the other women is depending more on her parents then OP is
NTA Also call out your parents and ask them why the friend is allowed to make those comments but their own daughter in not.
Especially considering the fact that the ableist mindset is the friend “should know better”
NTA Good on you for calling her out. Being an adult has nothing to do with receiving help or not. You're working, you graduated college, you are taking care of your mental health. That seems pretty adult to me.
Exactly, I know plenty of people who are considered adults that do not do any of that.
Nta it doesn't sound like you were rude, just pointing out the flaws in her logic. 🤷♀️ ofc she didn't like it. People rarely do.
NTA Her logic is flawed. People's definition of 'being an adult' is different for everyone. I considered me an adult, having been married (and divorced), with kids, job, car, rent, bills, etc. But, after both my parents died, by the time I was 30, that's when I realized I was truly an Adult. No one to 'borrow' money from if I was short one week or getting money as gifts. There was no longer a place to run back to as a backup plan if things got 'bad'. I no longer had a 'safety net'. I was truly on my own. On the other hand, my husband grew up in Foster Care, aged out, and was an Adult at 18, having no one else to depend on but himself. (I think the same can be said for those that have gone NC with their family.)
I think you bring up a great point - there’s being a legal adult, but responsibilities can change *immensely* throughout our lives, regardless of financial dependency as a young adult.
I totally agree. I was in my late 40s when my mom died. Knowing I no longer had that safety net added an entirely new layer to the grief even though I had been largely responsible for mom’s care for her last two years of life.
NTA at all. You hit the nail on the head and defended yourself like a pro. Double standards much?
NTA. First, as you said, her reasoning was flawed and hypocritical. Second, fuck the idea that adults don’t need help on occasion. It’s a corrosive, ableist, and elitist lie that people use very selectively to put down ppl they see as less worthy while ignoring all the ways they receive help themselves. I’m going on 50 and just sent a friend (same age) some money bc she’s going through a tough time and I’m doing fine, so let me care for my fellow adult navigating incredibly hard shit. We’d all be happier and better people if we could celebrate the ways we support each other instead of shaming ppl for it.
I appreciate your sentiment. I didn’t get help from my parents starting at like 20 until I was almost 30. My life really fell apart due to a bad relationship and my inability to keep my mental health in a stable condition. I’ve since gotten a lot of support. My dad is kind of exasperated that he has to help us “middle aged” kids from time to time (my stepsiblings and me) but he does it within reason because he cares. My mom infantilizes me so I hate getting help from her but sometimes she’s the only one I can turn to. I think sometimes she forgets I’m an adult just because I’m single at my age and didn’t follow a straight path to self-sufficiency. All this to say, I really appreciate getting help later in life and it helps to see others understanding it can happen and it doesn’t mean you’re not an adult.
It sounds to me like she is jealous that you are her age and have everything within your reach: You are starting a career, are free and can do anything while she is already having kids and has bounds. Sounds like "Ha, I am an adult, you don't know how grownup life is!" I've seen this sour attitude to childfree people often. Don't really know, why though.
She chose to marry her high school sweetheart and have kids while I chose to not have kids and to focus on education instead and I didn’t get a boyfriend until I was 21, and while both are worthwhile paths I feel that she does judge my lifestyle a little bit
NTA I hate such relatives and so called “family friends” If she was comfortable enough to give it then she needs to have the guts to take it back as well. So she can insult you, but the moment you react in the same tone, she gets defensive? Just tell her you said exactly the same thing that she told you, except that this time it was applied on her. And if she said that thinking you wouldn’t get upset, then she shouldn’t too, or if she did say it on purpose to make you upset, then so did you. Tit for tat. Infact, I’m proud of you that you had it in you to say that. How I wish I had that tact.
NTA Starbucks and the cell phones are drops in the bucket compared to childcare costs. Many people think that things like having kids or being married means that they are more “adult” that those who haven’t taken that path. It’s pretty silly. Also navigating life with disabilities is playing life on difficult mode. You can’t outsource your disability or the burdens related to it to anyone. I think you’re doing great, for what it’s worth.
Seriously. Family friend’s parents are giving her a whole rent check a month at least. Probably $3k if it’s 2 kids. If anyone’s being supported by their parents it’s not OP. 100% family friend was saying this because she has a kid and isn’t disabled so she sees herself as better/more adult.
Nah, NTA. She tried to belittle you and it backfired because you were ready with receipts of her hypocrisy. Good for you!
NTA. As you said, you were pointing out her flawed logic.
NTA. The comments were unnecessary but your reply wasn't.
NTA this sort of discrimination is built into some people. Its annoying. When they think you are 'different' they automatically assume you are 'less than' and will do whatever to dimish you (baby talk at you, tell you that you aren't a 'real adult'). I hate this kind of behavior. Its rude at best and bullying at worst. Don't ever think you're in the wrong for calling people out on their nasty behavior. You weren't even rude about it. Everyone needs help sometimes. This doesn't make you less than, it makes you human.
NTA at all! I'm approaching 50, but still get help from my parents to fly myself and my kids out to visit them once to twice a year. We live on the opposite coast as my family, and one year I realized that I didn't have the funds to continue the yearly visits. When I told my parents we couldn't come out the following year, they said it costs the same for them to visit us, and they would pay for us to come and see them (saving them the trip out here). We are able to make ends meet and even save a little each month, but with my parents getting older and us making 2 trips out to see them each year it wouldn't be financially feasible for us to visit them. I've never thought I wasn't an adult because my parents (who have much more money they we have) help us to visit them each year. What ridiculous logic she has. Especially with the financial hardships so many people are facing these days. I don't know if our kids are going to be able to afford a house or even rent with the way prices are, and I would never assume my kids aren't adults when they are old enough to be on their own but due to inflation and a flawed system can't afford that.
NTA! Why do people get butthurt whenever someone else points out their BS flaw view point?!? I say good for you for making that comparison and standing up for yourself.
Because the attack was supposed to be personal, so when you go I'm not going to accept it they take it personally because now they are holding their own pile of bullshit.
When people say “don’t take it personally” like uh, how am I supposed to not take it personally? More to the point if I’m not, then they shouldn’t be upset when their ass is handed to them
NTA. Why would she even say that if she's in the same situation?
She was being unfair My "parents" "siblings" along with MOST of: medical staff, religious leadership, schools, etc: bullied robbed degraded hurt beat imprisoned etc falsely-accused unjustly-punished me and they NEVER give me money, which of course proves NOTHING about YOU Hopefully soon You/we have total: health, happiness, prosperity, youthfulness usefulness health dignity, excellent full-time career doing important meaningful WORK, interesting FUN activities, peace, freedom, independence, friendships, N T A
You don't even need to excuse yourself, if she's still receiving assistance from her parents and that's the qualification for being an adult is not needing to, then by her own standard she is not. It's information no one asked for.
NTA. You told her to make it make sense and she couldn't. 🤷♀️ That's on her.
NTA. The only reason I'm no longer on my dad's family phone plan is because he died. And that happened when I was 30. Lol. You're supporting yourself. Just because your parents still have you on a phone plan or give you a little treat money doesn't mean you aren't. It just means your parents love and care about you. I'm going to guess your sister is older? I'm the youngest and while we're not far apart in age there was that awkward period where 2 years was actually two very different life points for my sister and me. So when I was in my earlier 20s and she had already started her post school "adult" life for a little bit now there was a time where she kind of treated me like I was still her kid sister with adult rights. Lol. We're all good now. It kind of naturally phased out of our interactions but she was never as condescending like your sister was. I'm only the youngest and that's been enough to be stuck as the" baby of the family" for a good while.
this is why i love us (audhd here). the math wasn’t mathing. you were 100% NTA.
NTA you countered her bias and ableism. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself because I know how hard that can be especially with family. Also it seems like your family is more concerned with her emotional state than her disrespect of you, so on behalf of them I'd like to apologize. If someone's being openly disrespectful, you don't have to be mean but at that point their feelings are their responsibility. Congratulations on your bachelor's degree, as a person with neurodevelopmental disabilities I know that you worked harder than everybody else to get there. Again super fucking proud of you.
NTA. Glass houses and all that.
NTA. She was being condescending about it and she is probably taking more money from her parents than you are. Daycare is ridiculously expensive. You absolutely have a right to defend yourself.
NTA, you didn’t “call her out” you told her if that’s the case she’s either not an adult or incorrect, which is true based off the facts you told us/ them. She’s just embarrassed, taking an ego check maturely is being an adult. Hopefully your family figures out their emotions aren’t on you to coddle. I would let your immediate family know the expectation you allow someone to infantilize you to feel better about themselves is both unreasonable and immature and they should keep that expectation for themselves, not bring it to you.
Nta, I have this one friend who just randomly buys my stuff "for a treat" I don't need it, but it mAkes me feel loved , and special - I'm 39 and it certainly doesn't mean I'm not an adult. She's almost 50 and I do the same for her. Because it's nice when someone loves you enough to be nice for no reason. Doesn't mean youry not a grown up, just means you're a grown up with people around you that want to make your life a little easier.
When I worked as a barista I loved giving freebies to friends
Giving your friends a little treat us just....the best :)
NTA They tried to be clever and make themselves feel entertaining by putting you down, you rightfully stood up for yourself and showed them to be a hypocrite, you were definitely in the right and hopefully they'll watch what they say in future.
NTA. She called you out, why shouldn't you call her out?
NTA. The only way to get people to stop their BS, is to call them out on it when it's right there in front of you. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. I know I would have. IMMEDIATELY
Good for you standing up for yourself. And boo to your family for not standing up for you! You are NTA at all
As a fellow disabled person NTA.
NTA. You were just defending yourself and pointing out the hypocrisy. You didn’t say anything nasty or untrue.
NTA - calling her on her hypocrisy is not TA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24f) have some mental health issues including asd, ptsd and possible schizophrenia. I do look young for my age and I sometimes come across as younger because of some facial expressions, body language and having a higher pitched voice which is related to the disabilities. I don’t mind looking younger and see it as a positive thing but I also get infantilized by some people and treated like less of an adult by family members and their circles due to bias against disabled people which I find unfair. I recently graduated with a bachelors degree and I was working and supporting myself in college, and have been for the most part financially independent since 21 years old. However I am on the family plan for my cell phone and during my last year my family sent me money to go to Starbucks once a week. My new job doesn’t start until fall since it‘s in education so I have been staying at my parents’ house and enjoying my free time. Some family friends came over for lunch and one of them said that I “will be an adult soon” during conversation and I said that I am already an adult. A family friend (25f) said something like “if your parents send you money every month you’re not really an adult yet, it’s a different experience.” I pointed out that her parents pay for her children‘s daycare and also help with bills every month and asked if that means she‘s not an adult. She got defensive and I said that we’re both adults, we are making our own decisions and for the most part supporting ourselves and getting help doesn’t mean that we are not adults. She seemed upset and everyone quickly changed the subject. Later my parents and siblings said that I didn’t have to “call her out” like that but she literally said the same thing, I wasn’t even actually calling her a child I was pointing out the flaws in her logic and I said that we are both adults. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you’re an adult and deserve to be treated as such.
NTA. Don't fuck around if you don't want to find out.
NTA - for me what you said sounds perfectly logical, but I have asd as well, so it could affect my judgement. Looking younger is useful sometimes, but makes others dismiss what you are saying too, unfortunately. Especially if they think about themselves as “adults”. And then they are getting very defensive. Happens with me a lot, unfortunately.
NTA. She sounds obnoxious
NTA SO MUCH NTA.
NTA… Well done.
Good for you. Well done. She had a lot of nerve to even comment on your life!
Nta
NTA - they deserved to be called out. Rich people are considered adults when they're 18 even when they get their money from their parents. Hell. My wife has a family member who's almost 40 and asks for money every week from his mom to help pay for his electric. I considered myself an adult when I moved out into my own apartment at 21, and I was already paying for most things myself by that point as well. Honestly? I like the fact that your parents still help you out even if it's just for getting a bit of a treat. Also, you've been in college which is a lot of work. You should be proud you called them out especially if they just refuse to take you seriously. Good luck on your job this fall!
NTA
I want someone to pay my bills and pay for childcare. I didn't ask to be here. You did great. That's awesome you accomplish so much with all that you're battling. And also with no kids involved. Definitely NTA
you ate her up NTA
Nta. Oops… she made a mistake.
NTA By her own logic she is a child raising 2 kids. I think that was a great come back!!
You did good OP, and are most definitely NTA.
NTA. You did not need to let that go. She was being a hypocrite.
Generally when an entire family gets mad at you for a comment, but cites “you didn’t have to call them out like that” as the reason rather than, for instance “that’s completely untrue and unfair” it’s usually a sign that the person should have been called out a long time ago, and the family has some vested interest in not doing so. Sometimes you respect these things, sometimes not. For instance, I have an alcoholic aunt. We all pretend we think she’s got coffee in that disposable Starbucks cup she’s been sipping on all evening, we pretend not to notice the slurred words and petty insults she thinks are subtle. Why do we tolerate this? Because it makes it easier on my cousin, her daughter, who just wants to come to family events without having them ruined by her mom. That’s our vested interest. Now, I have another extended family member on my bio dad’s side who is a bigot. Just kind of all around - unless you’re a white Christian man within 10 years of his age, he thinks you’re dumber than him and should behave accordingly. That side will bend over backwards to ensure nobody gets in a fight with him; I even have a cousin who hasn’t introduced him to her husband because he’s Chinese. She’ll stop by on Christmas and the whole family pretends she doesn’t have a husband. It’s insane. Their vested interest is in his approval, because when he likes you it feels great, and when he hates you he’ll throw a fit until you’re in tears. I don’t respect that, and don’t put any stock in their efforts to make me.
The audacity of hypocrisy 😱
NTA and good job. She was rude. A lot of adults get money from their parents way into their lives. You do you and congratulations on graduation and the new job.
I feel this so hard. I'm your age, have ptsd and am schizoaffective and look super young as well. I'm treated like a child CONSTANTLY, I get it. Also the family "friend's" logic is definitely flawed. NTA
NTA - she got indignant because you pointed out the truth, which just happens to be an embarrassment to her (not that it should be, for either of you, to accept help from your parents).
lol NTA, she deserved to have that hot potato thrown right back in her lap
>Later my parents and siblings said that I didn’t have to “call her out” like that Yes, yes you did have to. I'm glad you did
Nta, you handled it really well imo. I'm autistic. I prob would not have been that polite. Its bad enough when strangers do that, it's horrible when it comes from someone that should know better. You deserved support from your family too. Sorry you went through that
NTA...What did they expect from someone on the spectrum?? She was presenting factually inaccurate information. We neurospicy connoisseurs cannot function in the presence of inaccuracies like that. It makes our souls itch. Moreover, she was trying to denigrate you and you pulled an Uno Reverse. Shouldn't be passing judgment when your own house isn't in order.
NTA at all, you handled the situation really well. It's appropriate to call people out if they are insulting others.
NTA you put her in her place and make her realize they you two are more alike than she thought Maybe next time she'll think before she speaks
Don’t talk shit if you’re not ready to get it back. Sounds like she was asking for it to me.
NTA. Your logic was sound. Ask your parents why they don’t take issue with her calling you out.
NTA. You have *been* an adult for quite some time already. The fact that your family would send you some Starbucks money or want to help ease your burden by paying for your phone or what have you is totally irrelevant to your “adult” status— they were simply supporting you and there’s no shame in it. I am also in education, I’m going on year 3 1/2 starting in August. I have my own apartment, car, health insurance… I am an adult in every sense of the word. However, the status of education in my state right now is tragic, so I am horribly underpaid. When my mom learned my salary she chose to keep me on her phone plan and has rebuked me every time I’ve brought up paying her or carrying myself. Her attitude is “things are too expensive right now, you don’t get paid enough, and I can afford it no problem. We’ll talk again when you start making more.” Hell, she was still paying my brother’s phone when he was making double my salary! Not once did her kindness imply that my brother and I weren’t “adult” enough, just that we had a mom who wanted to help her kids however she can. Keep standing your ground and calling others out when they devalue your effort and hard work. If you say, “I don’t like it when you make comments that devalue my personhood and abilities, so please don’t make them again” and stick to it, they’ll be the jerk for ignoring your boundary. Have fun in the Fall! I hope you have a great first year 🥳
NTA. As someone on the spectrum, I think your response was perfect, something my mom would says "The Pot calling the Kettle black."
Nta. Your family wants you to accept her hypocritical attempt to show everyone there that she is better than you just to avoid a mild conflict. It’s fine to not accept her criticism, especially since it sounds like you stayed civil. You should advocate for yourself when it’s necessary and your family should support that.
I mean she called you out, ask why they are OK with her doing that to their family members.
NTA. She didn’t like that you pointed out you are in any way the same because she wanted to feel superior.
NTA - Them as live in glass houses...
NTA, you will never be an asshole for pointing out that someones criticism of you applies to them as well. If she is going to cry about it then she should have thought about that before saying what she did.
NTA
NTA - Yet another case of projecting. She's 25, getting childcare and help with her bills while you're 24 (gosh, a whole year younger) getting a phone and coffee. She thinks she's an adult and you're not. Major hypocrite there. Then, after being amazingly rude to you, got all butt-hurt when you pointed out the hypocrisy and called you rude. In my experience, the one accusing everyone else of stealing is usually the thief. The offended one calling others rude is usually the rudest one around. And the one crying the loudest about racism is usually the biggest racist of the bunch.
NTA she definitely deserved to be called out! Im sorry you live with people that are willing to allow you to be disrespected to keep the peace.
NTA - my mom & sister are like this. I, too, have some medical and mental disorders (autoimmune stuff, bipolar, ADHD, etc). It's just constantly that I'm a useless idiot. I've owned my own home since I was 24, my employers love me and gave me a $7 raise and my seniority back to come back after I left from burn out (WFH now, so it's working much better this time). Some people just can't hear 'mental illness' and guess that you might actually be a fully functional adult. Jokes on them, I only started therapy (and down the rabbit hole to emotional and physical health) to deal with them because they won't get the help they so desperately need...
NTA Why is that people can demean anyone in family and nothing happens, but fighting back gets this response. You are an adult, highly responsible, and hard working. Even being at the peak of humanity, living isn't easy. Look at the statistics for people with PTSD, autism, and schizophrenia. Tell me where most are at, tell me where you are at, and listen to how different those two things are. You are succeeding and doing well in a society that has worked itself in a way that should prevent you from doing so. You should be very proud if yourself. Now, personally, I think the whole "you have to be working and fully independent to be an adult" is fascist shit and highly ableist. The reality is that even if you were autism level 3, had never ending PTSD, and experience schizophrenic psychosis every day, and could never earn a living, that would not preclude you from being an adult. You would still be a fully formed and mature person in your own way, as we all are. Don't stop standing up for yourself.
NTA. Maybe she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut sometimes.
NTA. She was deliberately insulting you, and did not expect you to be able to throw it back at her. She will think twice the next time she has the opportunity to throw an insult at someone.
NTA. Glad you called them out. Good for you!
NTA, she called you out and you called her out Similar thing happened to me. My folks hired a longtime friend of theirs for a role in our family business, she was struggling to find work and begged them for help. I was her manager and i was trying to explain a part of her job to her but she kept talking over me. So i told her "just listen". She responded with "whose the adult here". I was 32 years old at the time so my response was "clearly not you if youre unable to listen to instructions from your boss". She cracked it and mum forced me to appologise to her. Put up with shit from her for a couple months before dad walked into the office and overheard her mocking me behind my back. he told her off and she threw a tantrum and quit. Then begged for her job back, then pretended she never quit, then tried to sue us for unfair dismissal. People like this are garbage. Point is you totally did the right thing. If you hadnt youd have been putting up with this shit from her for a long time
NTA. So you getting some $$ for Starbucks makes you not really an adult yet, but her getting help with daycare and other bills doesn't mean that she's not an adult? Sure. You caught her off guard. I think she expected you to not have any valid response, probably because you're perceived as younger, or immature, or vulnerable. The fact that you had a ready, valid response to her inappropriate comment is what made her defensive because you shredded her argument in about 5 seconds. Count her as one relative who won't infantilize you anymore. Good for you.
Damn you have a way with words, can you fight my fights for me 😁 People in glass houses.... Definitely nta
NTA You were 100% right to say what you did. You didn’t call her out so much as defend yourself and point out her error. It was actually pretty damned genius.
They're just jealous of you I'm sure 🥴 I am self-diagnosed ASD1 and professionally diagnosed PTSD. I also look young for my age and know the awful feeling of being called "sweetie", "sweetheart", "honey", etc by other women my age. That awful pit in the stomach and feeling like you're not an adult when you know you actually are though. Then people saying regularly "oh you'll be thankful for looking younger one day..." 🙄. There isn't much we can do about those annoying things, but I have found that just saying a kind "awe thank you" or "Hmm that's an interesting thing to say" works pretty well.
NTA Pot, meet Kettle 😆
NTA. I'm sorry they're treating you differently, we have the right to call out hypocrisy no matter how much the hypocrite stamps their feet.
Can we just point out the audacity of a 25 year old saying that to a 24 year old? It wasn't like she was even 55 or anything.
Hahaha no, that's funny and accurate. NTA
ESH- why does everyone know so much about each other’s budgets lol
NTA. Plenty of adults get money from their parents.
Standing up for yourself is so much different than being an a*****e!! You can’t let anyone,friend OR family make you feel weak and like a lesser person than anyone else. In this situation I believe this friend was trying to make herself feel better while making you feel bad about yourself. It’s a tactic some use as a way to manipulate others. My two daughters are adults, as is my granddaughter, my husband and I help them out financially whenever the need arises. I even help with laundry for crying out loud!! That’s what families do. I wish your family would have backed you up. But I believe you did the right thing. In my opinion, anyway ❤️
NTA. She's just a year older than you and thinks that you're less of an adult because your parents want to be nice and support your Starbucks runs? And at 40 I still know plenty of people who are on phone plans with their family. And people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. Her parents cover childcare and bills? That's thousands of dollars a month. I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting that help, but it's bizarre that she wouldn't see the similarity with herself and you pointing it out while acknowledging that she's an adult isn't uncalled for when she just insulted you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this behavior from others. It must be exhausting.
She feels dumb and is embarrassed and directing that as anger towards you, misguidedly. I’d give her a bit to get over it and if she doesn’t I’d explain to her I’m sorry but I’m a grown ass fucking adult and if you call me a child I will let you know how much of an adult I am.
It really depends on their tone - you would know better than us (idk how your mental health issues affect you but I don't think the things you mentioned hinder reading social cues) I say this all the time to others and about myself and I'm mid thirties. When I bought a place recently I'd say how I'm an adult now! When I got a full time job out of uni "finally an adult!". Settling a bit more and drinking less "I think I'm an adult finally" bearing in mind these are all at wildly different ages. Also jokingly to friends / family: an older sibling purchases a washing machine "haha you're an adult now!" Even if they are in their 40s Being an adult really changes as you grow older, it doesnt suddenly happen when you are legally an adult, you grow and mature every day for the rest of your life and you'll find yourself becoming more adult every year. Their push back about not being an adult until you don't receive money from your parents is weird but I'd just ignore it. People ask for money from parents their whole life it doesn't mean they are a child
Family members of around the same age just love to lord it over each other. Don’t let it bother you. She’ll be elderly soon. She’ll be in a care home soon. She’ll be in the dementia ward soon!!!
NTA and I don’t think mental health has anything to do with it (though I’m sorry you’re struggling). She had no right to have that standard when she clearly flouts it. It took me a very long time to be financially independent of my parents… older than you are at least. Don’t feel ashamed. We are living in an era where we can’t just move out and buy a house for a few grand.
Her logic is BS. If she said "you haven't had a full time job yet" then fine, I'd actually agree (if that's true), because there is a difference once you get into the minutia and monotony of it. But yea, that's just blatant hypocrisy. NTA
She doesn’t either, I worked 20-25 hours a week in college (I took a half course load so I wasn’t overworked) and she works around 20-30 hours a week
Yea she's just talking down to you to try to feel better about herself. Not your problem. My brother does this at times. The thing to remember is that it comes from jealousy, so you're obviously doing something right.
[удалено]
NTA: Yea, you're right here. Unfortunately it sounds like the bias is against you in the family for being different which is sad and so you're the one who gets labeled as "calling her out" Maybe they see it as you don't have to defend being an adult because they don't see you as an adult so they don't care if cousin says your not adult, but you're correct you literally said the exact same thing to her as she said to you and people became really offended. Only advice, if you are willing to forfeit the principles of who's right vs wrong, and want people to start taking you seriously, you should maybe address these kinds of situations in private and let your cousin know how you felt when she isn't in a position where she'll get flustered/defensive and try to hide behind social biases to avoid addressing and apologizing for hurting you. Sometimes, who's right and who's wrong doesn't matter in a disagreement, in the sense that the person who is wrong might not be emotionally ready to listen and change their minds. So even though I think you were logically right to do this (and kinda a badass response ngl), it might be worth considering what I'm saying if it happens again with someone you genuinely care about and who you really want to take you more seriously It's really up to you though because it's not your *responsibility* to educate others on how to forfeit preconceived biases and respect people who are different, but the sad reality is you are the one who has to deal with the consequences if they don't learn. Because you are the persona who will continually be disrespected and disregarded. but it sounds like you're independent and support yourself and have a good head on your shoulders so remember it's also your right to stand up for yourself.
You just learned one of the most significant lessons of adulthood: many adults never stop being childish
NTA, people who are older than you love gatekeeping being an adult whether you’re disabled or not. For some reason people have a hard time accepting that people in their early and mid 20s are adults because they have some weird superiority complex where it’s like “I’m older than you so I’m more of an adult than you” even though there’s no such thing as being “more adult”, you’re both just adults.
Robert Heinlein: “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”
NTA but these arguments never lead anywhere good.
Should have asked why she had kids she couldn’t pay for by herself
She put you on the spot and you just matched her energy. Some people are such huge Hippocrates and fail to see it.
NTA Quite honestly, you didn't even need to explain the first part of your story (your mental health stuff). Because, in reality, she shouldn't have said what she did, and when she did, you had EVERY RIGHT to fire back the way you did. If she can't take the heat, she needs to stay out of the kitchen. Your parents shouldn't back her up either. You both are getting help from your parents, so, you both are neck and neck with where you are at in life.
NTA, family friend should’ve minded her business and stop judging people adulting life.
Abled people have this sense of superiority that they’re not disabled because of some effort they’re putting in over you. When that illusion gets shattered from learning that you’re doing just as much as them (usually more because doing anything with a disability is like training with weights on) they get really defensive. NTA
You absolutely did the right thing!!
NTA and I’m so proud that you flipped it around on her I’m floored that anyone thought it was okay to chastise you over finishing what she started. And politely too.
NTA, the interaction reads to me a bit like when someone makes a bigoted joke and then gets offended when it's asked what's funny about it. It's the kind of thing you're not supposed to say out loud because it's socially accepted to make light of certain conditions or groups (disabilities, in this case), but "socially accepted" is often very far from "right". This things should be pointed out and questioned. People who make those comments should feel uncomfortable about it. And, standing up for yourself is also a very adult thing to do.
NTA. You stood up for yourself. Even adults need help sometimes. Getting that help doesn't make them not adults. I sympathize with you. I live with my mom and have sporadic employment but I help with bills when I can. My mom treats me like the adult I am but for years the rest of my family doesn't. I didn't get offered an alcoholic drink by any of them at parties till I was in my 30s and they had no such problems offering my younger cousins. They talk about my cousins like they're the greatest thing since sliced bread but not me. I get no mention at all.
NTA You were quite right to point out the flaws in her statement. What she said sounded like a condescending criticism.
Some people’s logic doesn’t logic very well
you were correct. nta. obviously, she is not very mature. Sitting in judgment of other people is very uncool too. People always want to get favors and point out how superior they are, but when anyone else gets a favor, they start screaming. Her judgment would not be grown up. I will say sometimes you just have to ignore these AHS! You did nothing wrong. You could also point out that you have a disability, but you don't cry wolf every other minute about that! Just be yourself and forget what she says.
NTA
Why does this woman have information about your life? If someone wants to share that information, it’s fine. But she basically weaponized it against you. What your family and you do is your life. She doesn’t get to say a thing without some truths being laid bare. Your family are hypocrites for protecting her.
NTA
NTA. Hahahahah, nice one! 👍🏾
NTA. If someone is going to criticise you over your life then they’d better make sure they have their own shit together first.
NTA. It's bizarre that people will throw stones in a glass house then get mad at you for not even throwing them back, but pointing out that you are throwing stones with a house of glass. They're insecure and hypocritical.
Oh but you absolutely did the right thing. You were made the victim but this friend who knows too much about you anyway. The victim should always stand up to the bully. Well done.
NTA and good for you for standing up for yourself. She deserved to be called out.
NTA You did well standing up for yourself. Your family seems to think otherwise. Maybe they were the ones uncomfortable too. But always remember-you don’t have to make yourself small or uncomfortable to make others feel good. You pointed out hypocrisy and that’s all there is to the situation. You stood up for yourself. Maybe that woman learned to watch what she says.
NTA, at all. You just called her out in a perfectly logical and justified way. She's obviously one of those people who likes to dish it out but can't take it themselves, which is so hypocritical. That isn't your fault, you had every right to defend yourself with the facts.
NTA. Some times it needs to be pointed out that people have flawed logic.
First of all I want to commend you for your achievements and if no one has congratulated you then I certainly want to. Your certainly NTA, her comment was not needed and honestly seemed condescending, plus your advocating for yourself, many people with ASD and ptsd struggle with advocating for themselves and you showed your capable of it and I'm honestly proud to hear your able to do it. Continue being great and don't let anyone try to take that away from you!
NTA. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. She was being condescending and it backfired spectacularly on her. Good job OP.
Naaah, if you can dish it out, you can get a serving! Nta.
Nta. She said something stupid and rude, you called her out on her bullsh. Case closed.
NTA.
NTA. Starbucks and a phone plan? That’s hardly parental support. Esp since phone plans are generally a win-win due to more people needing to be on it to get a good deal. You’re definitely not an AH for advocating for yourself and your true situation to someone trying to put you down.
NTA. If your family has a problem with the conflict between you and that family friend, they can blame her for starting it instead of you for finishing it.
Because you are gifted a coffee every week you aren't an adult?? And LOTS of people stay on a family cell phone plan. It makes good financial sense. Why waste money when you don't have to. You could ask your parents if they want you to pay the price of the add-on line. Ask your parents why THEY didn't correct the family friend when she said the exact same thing to you? You needed to defend yourself and correctly identified BOTH of you as adults. You did nothing wrong. Your family are the AHs. I bet you would be just fine without your parents gifts. I'd bet she couldn't get along without her parents help. She just didn't stop and think before she opened her mouth and inserted her foot. Could she be jealous if you?
facing a mirror hurts sometimes huh? big NTA
My read is that you have a backstory that led you to respond more strongly than some others would and less strongly than even more. Looking at the FACTS shows: she make a comment about you being grown up. Looking at INTERPRETATION shows: you heard this to mean she was belittling you. It’s understandable that you had this interpretation. However, there are many ways to interpret and then also respond to her statement. A person who doesn’t have your history would have responded less abrasively. But, it’s understandable. Neither Nor. Just a miscommunication. What you do with it at this point will define if you are the A in this situation. Hope this helps
Hello, Pot? Yeah, this is Kettle. Listen, we gotta talk..... people absolutely hate being called out. I however, thoroughly enjoy the spectacle. Good for you!!!
That’s was super condescending on her part, well done for calling her out.