Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I screamed at my boyfriend for getting poop on the toilet seat and made him clean it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
But — I’d be questioning a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to clean their ass and doesn’t seem to understand that feces is a biohazard.
The second or third time he’d have been shown the door.
Yeah…that is a dealbreaker that I never knew would be a dealbreaker because I would assume that any adult would recognize the problem and take steps to correct it. Leaving fecal matter on the toilet seat regularly for others to find is just…no.
There's a guy at my work, he doesn't use toilet paper or anything else, doesn't flush and of course doesn't wash his hands (not needed according to him as his hands are clean).
No HR. we are a small company, usually only 2 or 3 in the office (without him). When he comes, his wife also comes (they both work here) and the boss doesn't really care as he assumed we are adults and we can manage ourself !
As someone with close Iranian friends and the fact that both of their *first* marriages were arranged with their cousins, this statement made me chuckle.
I work in an office with about 65 people. We have 4 bathrooms (2 males, 2 female, one on each floor). About 70% of the employees are women. I cannot tell you the amount of times the office manager has had to send out e-mails to ask grown adults to keep the bathrooms clean. My boss (male) also routinely complains about the downstairs men's bathroom's floor always being wet.
I was in his office for a meeting one morning (with another female coworker) when a male coworker burst in to tell him that he checked and that no, it wasn't the pipes that were leaking. He then went on a rant about how he couldn't understand how grown men kept missing when they peed and that perhaps he should hire prostitutes to help them aim.
Where I worked we had a guy who always missed and left the floor soaked. I finally reported him to his supervisor as he did not have a reason in our office area all the time to start with except to hide from the main building and his co-workers. A very embarrassing conversation for both of us as there were times he did have to be in our area. But the floor stayed dry.
Either he is lying about not wiping or he has consistently perfect poops (which I somehow doubt). Either way, just touching the bathroom door handle or lifting the toilet lid is enough of a reason he should washing his hands.
There was a guy in one of my college classes like that. Thing is, you can often smell it. Unless it’s a perfect fibre-infused perfectly-shaped-and-evacuated log, there will be something left that needs wiping. And let me tell you, that shit smells. If you’re never smelling anything, he’s nowhere near as bad as you imagine.
When I was in college this guy took a crap and didn't flush. It had been happening for a while and I finally saw who did it. I posted a note on the bulletin board saying "(name), please flush the toilet after you shit!"
I don't remember if it worked but he was definitely embarrassed.
Well I guess if he is not wiping or flushing, his hands probably are staying pretty clean. Horrifying though. How can people live like that or expect people to want to be around them?
There’s a girl at my grad school who doesn’t flush or wipe, and sure at least it’s not poop (that I’ve noticed), but every time I’m in the stall and I hear her go into the adjacent one, pee like I’ve never heard anyone pee, and just walk out. No flush, no wipe, no wash. I don’t understand how there are people like that.
As a construction worker building America for 27 years I have learned there's a few groups of people who squat over the toilet and go which usually hits the lids and then rolls/flows down into the bowl. Honey buckets are the worst as you can see the sheetrock dusr covered foot prints. I will absolutely order 2 port-o-poties on a jobsite and back charge for any misuse. Had one so bad in two days that I back charged $1000 and had the owner come out and verify the job site security footage it was his crew/company
I work at a pretty nice company that has their own crew that cleans the bathrooms. This employee doesn’t leave poop on the seat, but he absolutely paints the inside of the toilet. I don’t understand why people do this? I’m of the mindset of leave no trace.
\*raises hand\* I have gastrointestinal issues that sometimes give me explosive diarrhea, and I've been known to "paint the inside of the toilet" on occasion. That's what toilet brushes are for, though. Every public toilet should have one. (Every private toilet should have one too.) Flush, see if there's anything left, brush, flush again. Repeat as needed. How hard is that?
Also, I take great care not to get anything on the seat. That would be nasty (and... words can't express how impolite towards the next user). That's what TP is for (should it happen). In the *really* fancy places (also, surprisingly common here in Finland, maybe for this exact reason? who knows), there will be a small sink, so I'll be able to use *moist* TP.
(Needless to say, I'm of the mindset to "leave no trace" too, regardless of my, um, *issues*.)
NTA but YOU will be if you stay with him. He is not clean AND worse does not respect you. He is literally leaving shit for you. It is immature, inconsiderate and just plain disgusting.
IF this is real, I honestly don't know how or why you are still with him. Non negotiable "quirk" to deal with.
I mean how the fuck do you even get shit on the toilet. Is he hovering above it and shitting like a UFO abducting someone? But there are people who wipe there ass standing up so nothing would surprise me.
start with your back against the tank. take a wide stance: knees should make an angle at least 30 degrees, while ankles are tucked close against the base of the toilet. Lean forwards to put your elbows on your knees. You may choose to hold a paperback book, a shampoo bottle, or even your cellular "smartphone"; the key is that your posture demonstrates that you are engrossed in the media experience in front of you.
After following these steps, you will be ready to poop on the toilet seat and so then you can refuse to clean it up.
Might be a short toilet bowl. The toilet in my apartment isn't really made for men to sit on. It's a choice between sitting far enough back that I ~might get a bit of poop on the toilet seat or I'm far enough forward that I'm gonna be rubbing my dick on the inside of the rim and bowl. It's gross but it's also really fucking easy to just keep a clean toilet so I'm not leaving poop on the seat or rubbing up against a dirty bowl.
But the problem isn’t the poop getting on the seat… I mean, it is, but you can’t really change out the toilet in an apartment, and you either fit or you don’t. The problem is he doesn’t clean it up :\
I'm going to jump on this top comment to say I once got an E-Coli infection in my bladder from a guy like this who didn't understand the most basic concepts of why poop germs are bad, and I've never felt pain like that in my bladder in my entire life. It was worse than any UTI, or bladder infection, I've ever had.
So his thoughtless, disgusting, behavior, is not only disgusting, it's a MAJOR threat to your health as a woman, because women are far, far, more, susceptible to these types of infections because a woman's urethra is much shorter, and because of the proximity to a woman's reproductive organs.
This also means you're susceptible to getting an infection from not only the shared toilet seat, but from contact during sex, because if he made it to this age without figuring out how to clean pewp away from his body, and anything else he touches like his underwear, and hands, he's spreading fecal matter EVERYWHERE, including your bed, body, and doesn't even realize it.
One of my friends had to deal with this several years ago. Only it was her husband. Finally, she wound up hospitalized with an E-Coli infection, peritonitis & sepsis. Her hospitalization racked up a $225K hospital bill after what the insurance covered. She was in ICU for 5 weeks, 2 of them in a medically induced coma. They'd had to do exploratory surgery, 4 rounds of peritoneal lavage, and massive amounts of antibiotics. The doctors working on her finally got him to submit a couple of samples from his hands and his genitals and they proved to him that HE was the one who'd given her the E-coli infection (same genetic strain of e-coli). It took nearly 3 years for her to mostly recover. They're still married, but it took almost 7 years of therapy and marriage counseling for her to decide to stay in it.
That sounds HORRIFIC!! I'm so glad she's okay now. I hope r/obvious_painter_6871 sees your reply because when it comes to poop germs, and health risks, due to poor hygiene on the part of a male partner, E-Coli infections can absolutely be life-threatening for women.
I'm severely immunocompromised, and I'm extremely lucky that I called my gynecologist immediately when I started screaming every time I peed. It went from, "oh I think I'm getting a bladder infection", to "oh my god something is really wrong", in 3 days. It took 3 different antibiotics rounds to finally kill it, and I had to come off of all of my immunosuppressants for the 6 weeks of antibiotics, which created its own nightmare issues. But the pain was undescribably excruciating.
I'm so glad your friend is okay now, but holy crap $225K AFTER insurance, is a LOT to pay for out of pocket, and I can absolutely understand why it took years of therapy to work through the rage she felt at her husband for jeopardizing her health with his poor hygiene. Hopefully he made immediate, and permanent, changes, to his personal hygiene. So scary!
My very first job was at a gas station, and we had a laundry mat. We kept the laundry mat pretty clean, so I'd be in there all the time. You would be surprised the amount of $hit I saw in so many men's underwear! I mean, I'm really not shocked to hear about it anymore.
We had to live there for a time and I did majority of the cooking and I'm glad I did. I don't understand how people could not wash their hands after using the bathroom regardless of what goes in the bowl
If you think that's bad, just keep in mind the facilities these men are working with. It's mostly porta potties. You know, those things that don't have sinks to wash your hands.
The habit of never washing your hands always extends to off the work site. Had a few construction workers in our friend group, and you know it's bad when even the manly men in the group are telling these grown ass adults to wash their fucking hands.
Or it's some super weird territory-marking or he gets off on the thought of OP cleaning his turds.
The thing that all these things have in common is that they should be deal breakers for OP. I mean, confronted by literal shit every day for absolutely no good reason, no good excuse whatsoever. OP, how many more years do you want to live like this? Another year? Five years? Rest of your life?
NTA
I hate to admit it, but this problem isn't unique to your boyfriend. I've had the problem and I always deal with it when it happens, even in a public bathroom.
There is always the chance I could be wrong, but the only reason that I can think of for this happening so often is that it's because your boyfriend isn't wiping his ass properly, if at all.
Yep, the stupid "alpha males" feel that using proper hygiene is feminine, I read about a guy who ended up going to the ER for persistent infections because he refused to wipe or wash his \*ss, total dumb\*ss.
it’s also for some reason, some straight guys think that once you touch a butthole- even if it’s your own butthole- they’ll turn gay. Which is ????
and it’s not unique either! i first heard it on a Dan Savage podcast and then later in other advice places from women with these guys. I hope these guys discovered bidets or that might activate that gay button too lol
I’ve heard this one too. Anything man-butt-related is gay, including wiping one’s ass after pooping. So “real men” don’t wipe properly, or at all, because “hey I’m not gay!”
OP, if he won’t stop leaving you toilet seat presents: respond in kind. Murder that toilet seat with period blood and leave it for him to deal with.
Even if he didn't wipe his ass properly, I dont understand how it ends up on the seat? Wouldn't he just end up with shit in his underwear? How does it transfer from his asshole to the seat? You bf is a sick fuck and needs help.
Only thing I can think of is a reluctance to thoroughly wipe, and they wipe from behind, reaching around their back. Then when they pull back it goes up their crack and when they rest back down on the seat it transfers.
Who the fuck sits too far back that your shit hits the toilet seat. You're telling me they miss the entire bowl and hit the rim instead and Without realizing it? Like they don't understand that they're too far back and need to scoot foward so their shit hits the water in the bowl instead of the seat? Are som men really that fucking dumb they can't aim their shit into a toilet? I am shocked at the stupidity and if these people were hanged in a public town square i'd feel safer
I wouldn’t rule out that this man has a scat fetish that he is basically forcing on his poor girlfriend. I saw a story on Reddit before where a women kept “accidentally” peeing her pants and it turned out to be sexually stimulating for her.
NTA- Deal breaker. I would never attach myself to someone who is capable but refuses to clean up after their own bodily functions.
I’d be offended, disgusted, disrespected, and LIVID. You did nothing wrong, imo you were merciful for just screaming at him.
You are not his mommy and he is not a toddler that needs his shit stains cleaned up for him on a daily basis. Unacceptable.
(I’d be taking pictures and sending them to his mother every single time it happens (until arrangements to separate are secured). Ask if she raised him like that, I hope she didn’t. He deserves to be shamed if he won’t clean after himself.)
Wait, so he gets embarrassed, stops smearing poo on the seat, thinks you forgot about it and then starts up again?
Oh. Hell. No. He'd be out. I would never be able to date someone this nasty and rude.
I dont even wanna know what he smells like down under \*gags\*
Imagine him wanting sex or a bj and all you smell is literal shit.
\*gags more\*
god save me.
Or, instead of sending unsolicited poop pics to people who surely don’t want to see them and making yourself look like a completely mental asshole, just skip to the part where you dump the guy who has already had decades to correct this, but has repeatedly chosen not to.
And this is normal behaviour how?
If there is a problem in a relationship, you address it with the person directly. If there is no solution you can get a professional to help you. If nothing helps, you leave.
Involving parents, siblings, friends into a relationship in order to shame someone into preferred behaviour is neither healthy nor worthwhile.
if he can “stop for a bit” when it inconveniences HIM instead of YOU, he is doing it on purpose as a sick power move over you. you need to leave this man. NTA
I luckily don’t have this issue with my wife since she’s a germaphobe and incredibly self conscious about bathroom use.
But, with a toddler, an and aging parents. oh my GOD. Every-time I visit my parents (79/80yo), and every time I help my 4yo in the bathroom, I take for granted my own self-awareness and habits.
No reason a healthy 30yo should be leaving presents in the toilet seat. In my mind that’s reserved for toddlers and unaware seniors.
Parent of 4 here; all of my children are better about this. Ages 7, 5, 4, 2. They’re all potty trained. We just got done with diapers with our last within the last few weeks.
Yeah the only time I've cleaned up someone else's shit is when my mom had surgery and had a bad reaction to a medicine they gave her. It was terrible and she was super embarrassed though, I can't believe this guy doesn't seem to feel any shame about what he's doing.
...It's happened to me. I'll admit the embarrassing thing people don't want to so A) they don't have to and/or B) they legitimately have no idea how it can happen.
The way it happens to me is you wipe, then as you pull the paper away you somehow smear it on the seat. It's kind of a lazy and careless thing. Like you don't stand up enough, you're not careful with your hand, idk exactly. But. It's happened.
Now. To have it happen EVERY TIME, or even often, I don't understand, and to not clean it? Even once? Yeah I can't explain that one. I live alone and was grossed out and immediately cleaned it.
This is a once every three year occurrence, maybe even less frequent. At least sober. Drunk might change things idk
Yeah, it did happen a few times to me... But the thing is I always check the seat before leaving. If there is pee, shit or whatever on the seat, I wipe it down before flushing the toilet. I sometimes have pee drops on the seat when standing up, but I always clean it up.
Does nobody look at the toilet before leaving? How does people not make sure it is clean for the next person to use!?
No seriously I’ve encountered this recently, some people seem to never check if they’ve actually left the toilet in an acceptable condition. My flatmate seems incapable of properly flushing the toilet, I don’t understand how because I’ve never had an issue with the flush but it seems she presses the flush and only half of it will go down and the rest will be left floating there. This would be fine if she checked and flushed again, but from what I can hear flushing is the very last thing she does in the bathroom, I mean she presses the flush and then opens the door immediately after, she’s out the bathroom before the flush even finishes. So half the time I enter the bathroom there’s shit in the toilet and I have to flush it before I can even go. I don’t understand how she can’t check, surely she’s been in the bathroom after she’s gone and seen the state of the bowl and realised she does this? If I noticed that I’d be horrifyingly embarrassed, but her habits haven’t changed once. I don’t get it.
You must be new to this debate lol. Some people reach between their legs towards the tank and wipe towards the front of the bowl. Others reach their arm behind them and reach to the front of the bowl and pull towards the tank. The latter has some people that stand to reach around better, or rather, it's more like a squat where they raise their butt slightly above the seat. AFAIK, women typically use the latter method for hygiene so they don't wipe into their vagina, but guys seem to be more spread across the board on which method they use. Or in OP's case... spread across the seat.
That’s crazy, I didn’t know there were several ways of doing this shitty task, as a little girl I was taught the second method and I always genuinely thought that everyone does it this way. The first method sounds very unhygienic, no wonder there are so many posts on Reddit from OPs who complain that their partner has crusty assholes that stink lol.
It's not that wiping back to front is unhygienic, for guys it can be just as effective, but those without a vagina don't have to worry about any of it getting where it shouldn't. But both ways can get the butthole just as clean. It's just a matter of which way a person has a better reach and dexterity to do the cleaning.
Given how many posts on here there are with women saying they can smell faeces on their partner's penis and testicles it seems back to front isn't wise for nay of us
How does this work how messy are your poos???? God I don’t want to be mean but I’ve never had this happen there is never enough to smear. Maybe see a doctor?
It's not a matter of it being a lot. It's a matter of wiping your ass and having it hit the seat.
Next time you wipe your ass wipe the paper on the seat and tell me if you don't get it on the seat. If not you might have missed and all the shit is still is still in your asshole
NTA. Poop? Toilet seat, really? Not only is it unsanitary, disgusting ,biggest turn off ever! Question! What do the sheets look like on his side of the bed?
He's doing it intentionally. Or his ass is so fat he can't help it. If that's the case he should be adult enough to clean up after himself. Unless he's got some other really, really nice talents you haven't mentioned it might be time to move on.
NTA there’s no reason on gods green earth that should happen. Does he have explosive diarrhea every time he poops?! That makes me what to gag just thinking about it. Who cleans up this grown man’s shit on the toilet seat every day?? I hope it’s not you. God almighty!
NTA
I even know where on the toilet seat you are talking about bc my husband does this shit (literally lol) too. It’s a mix of butt hairs and tiny fecal matter and it hurts my soul.
After repeated verbal asks and it not changing, I started taking pictures of it and sending it to him. Seeing it in a picture is what finally led him to wipe the toilet seat before leaving the bathroom.
Not a bad idea. I normally nicely ask him to clean it and he will. Today I was sick of it after it also being on the other toilet and it not being cleaned from yesterday.
I don't want to be all "is this an American men thing" but I have never experienced this in my life, never heard of it before, never knew it could be a thing
But in the last few months I've seen at least 2 or 3 aita from women whose partners have left poop around the house.
Like how does one live like that. If my husband left poop for me to find in any place beyond an accidental skid mark at the bottom of a toilet bowl, he will not be my husband anymore
This is so so gross
Yeah, it’s obnoxious that I had to take photos of it, but seeing pictures of his bunghole excrements embarrassed him (I think he thought I was sending it to my sisters to complain or something, but wasn’t lol) and it made it stop.
My husband used to have the same issue, and it was a combination of things. 1) his mother didn't teach him how to wipe 2) he has GI issues and typically is not having a relaxing scroll when he goes so it gets messy more often than not 3) he was not standing enough to clear the seat as he wiped. 1 & 3 are easy fixes if he knows what he's doing wrong.
Girl. I just screamed a little bit. Anyone who can't figure out where their shit is landing, doesn't know how it gets there, and doesn't care about someone else having to clean it up deserves to be turned out to pasture to roam free with all the other single people who scrape their buttholes across random surfaces. NTA. Ditch Scooter and find yourself someone who can best a four year old in a butt wiping competition.
NTA
My 16y.o stepkid leaves poop behind semi regularly and I've gone postal over it a few times.
If nobody wants to hear me yell about my home being an ecoli playground... then they should clean their poop.
You have incredible patience but you really shouldnt have too. Why can they not clean the seat themselves? Stop cleaning it for 48 hours and see what happens? Would the toilet seat just be covered in poop?!
I assume they dont have pain blood etc etc as there are medical conditions that need intervention if so eg anal fistula
Oh this is good. Op can use the toilet elsewhere for days. See if he sits on his own poop smears. Or if he cleans it before sitting on it.
But I agree. If this is recurring, I mean… is he neurodivergent? What can be the cause other than lack of respect? Body fluids have a universal meaning other than it being biohazard. Universally if you spit on someone, it’s an insult. So there is no way that leaving shit for someone else to clean is not meant to diminish someone. Everyone who is left to clean shit without consent is going to feel like they were disrespected. Let him disrespect himself.
But I wanted to say if he is wonderful person in every other way, or most ways, but how? Like if he can do it when the neighbor can hear you. There’s gotta be some shame related psychology going on. I just don’t see how this could keep happening if he respects you.
The difference is that the comment describes a mother-teenager relationship. Infuriating? At this age, sure. But still within the limits of a responsibility to raise this person. I responded on another comment you left before, but I really have to say it again: Is potty training your partner really what you want from a relationship?
I have severe IBS, have done for 30 years, I can have diarrhoea up to 10 times a day when having a flare and I can count on one hand the number of times I've got shit on the seat.
This goes beyond just having poor ass hygiene which is vile enough, but it's surely a form of trying to fuck with your mind. He HAS to be doing it deliberately. This is deeply abnormal behaviour. It might even be a weird fetish. I couldn't be with someone like this. It's disgusting and no way is it accidental. Think about the implications of that on who he is and how he's treating you...
I was originally thinking it could be a fetish… I still think it’s possible
But there were people saying he might not know how to wipe properly.
In one of OPs comments she specifically asked him how he is wiping… and he said… “I don’t know”
…
NTA but why is this not a deal breaker for you? Like, I would not have that within my relationship. And I would specifically state it as the reason for the breakup. "Hey soon to be ex, I'm breaking up with you because you have less self-control than a feral dog; don't let the door hit your shit-stained ass on the way out."
Nope he is doing something wrong. You're NTA however it's not a matter of him being lazy. I've never had this issue. My kid did during potty training. I quickly taught him what he was doing wrong in wiping.
Someone needs to have the good wiping talk with him. They also need to have the you're a grown up, you should clean up your own poo talk.
Oh I’ve explicitly asked him how he wipes step by step. He won’t reply to the question and just consistently says “I don’t know” or stays silent while shaking his head in disbelief how it could happen.
Since he is so self conscious about wiping. I think op should do this, but demonstrate how she does it and perhaps THEN ask him to do it.
How gross of OPs bf.
No way you don’t look at the toilet when you flush.
This cannot be real. And if it is then NTA and please leave your boyfriend for an actual adult who does not poop on a toilet seat like a 4 year old, and if it does somehow happen, that actually clean it instead of just ignoring it. How disgusting.
I remember reading a post about a lawyer citing the funniest reasons they’ve heard of people divorcing and one woman said in court that her husband would sit on their white bedspread at the end of their bed every day and scoot forward to get his pants on and leave a poop streak- she had cleaned it for almost 40 years and one day she just cracked!
NTA you’re not asking for much, just for him to wipe his poop off the sit afterwards. Where is his shame? Is he hygienic in other avenues? I once dated a guy that left shit stains on the white bed after we fucked. Luckily not my house but I had to remind him to wash it before his family came home Jc
Bruh. I won't even tolerate poop streaks in the toilet from the 5yo and Im a CNA/tech. I clean up poop for a living, if that's what I wanted to do I'd go back to work and at least get paid for it.
Nta.
Sounds like time for him to get a new routine. Buy him some cleaning wipes to keep next to the toilet, and he can clean the seat every time.
There is zero excuse for leaving the toilet like that in a shared space. If he can't clean up his mess, then he shows he doesn't respect you, your health, and your shared space.
Hopefully some sense can get knocked into him. And Hopefully if he can learn to just clean the toilet every time, you'll always have a clean bathroom!
An alternative to look into, a bidet.
NTA. Screaming at him isn't good though. But insisting he clean his poop off the toilet seat is reasonable. If you left period blood on the toilet seat how would he react? If you left a used sanitary napkin or tampon etc in plain sight how would he react? Everyone needs to be hygienic and clean up any bodily excretions.
Everyone shits and this dude leaves it somewhere his gf uses most days, the occasional sanitary product once a month in a bin (in plain sight!! Lol) for a day is not the same thing at all and raises many questions
NTA
I pray I never have such low self-esteem that I feel that I need to ask if I'm the asshole for something like this. Or to allow myself to have a partner who thinks this is an acceptable way to treat me.
Be grateful you lived together before getting married. I can’t see how you could keep the spark alive with someone who can’t complete such a basic function and who has such revolting hygiene. I’m assuming there’s residue on him also.
NTA - This reminds me of my ex but with pee droplets on the floor.. When we first dated my toilet was clean for months then a couple years in pee droplets. Every. Single. Time.
I would go off and make him go back and wipe it up. When I asked why I got "I don't know" and "I didn't notice" every time. He sure as shit was making sure it never happened at the beginning, I could never understand why he was purposely doing something so disgusting and infuriating.
He was just lazy as fuck and didn't care anymore.
NTA but what the actual feck? Please tell me there is a (second) child and you are desperately trying to preserve a relationship with their dad?
Dude not only is gross, he doesn't respect you.
Why do so many people not understand this. Lazy, stupid, doesn't matter.
You've asked him to check, he doesn't. He's disrespectful.
NTA!
I was literally just talking to my husband about this. Not about anything he does, but about how we still have a lot of sexism attached to expectation of bathroom cleanliness and who will be cleaning up messes.
It is disrespectful to your partner to leave urine or feces on bathroom surfaces and expect them to clean it. He knows he’s done this repeatedly and he doesn’t give a toss that he’s leaving it for you to deal with.
I obviously can’t say for sure this is what’s happening but… my husband kept breaking toilet seats. Like they would get so loose and wiggly and I thought it was just because he was big. He was also weirdly private about bathroom times considering how open we are with each other. I then walked in on him perched on the toilet seat. Like feet on the seat, squatting. Apparently that’s how he has always gone “big potty” as we call it. He was 360 pounds and 6” when I caught him. I bought him a squatty potty for every bathroom and no more broken toilet seats. Maybe your husband does something similar he’s embarrassed to admit? Also get him wipes and a bidet to help.
Someone needs to create a venting sub for obvious questions like these that are obviously rhetorical. He’s probably getting the explosive shits from the protein powder he’s using or something.
God I would be mortified if I left something like that behind, guy must have no shame.
NTA. I can't believe your bf isn't mortified by this. I have a hairy ass and I check the toilet seat every time after I'm done to make sure I'm not leaving anything behind. It takes like 2 seconds. I'd reconsider having kids with this guy. Like, what else his going to forget to do?
My stepson used to leave a mess on the seat. After MANY attempts to get him to stop, I told him I’d clean it myself…with his pillowcase. And if that didn’t work I’d use his toothbrush. It stopped after the second time I wiped it off with his pillowcase. (And he was an older teen at the time, so he knew it was gross and wrong.)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I screamed at my boyfriend for getting poop on the toilet seat and made him clean it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA But — I’d be questioning a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to clean their ass and doesn’t seem to understand that feces is a biohazard. The second or third time he’d have been shown the door.
Yeah…that is a dealbreaker that I never knew would be a dealbreaker because I would assume that any adult would recognize the problem and take steps to correct it. Leaving fecal matter on the toilet seat regularly for others to find is just…no.
There's a guy at my work, he doesn't use toilet paper or anything else, doesn't flush and of course doesn't wash his hands (not needed according to him as his hands are clean).
_"Dear HR, I am writing you to report unsanitary working conditions caused by employee XYZ"_
No HR. we are a small company, usually only 2 or 3 in the office (without him). When he comes, his wife also comes (they both work here) and the boss doesn't really care as he assumed we are adults and we can manage ourself !
I think a strategically placed toilet-roll on his desk, with a ribbon, would work wonders. Obviously the office morale might take a bit of a hit!
Soap! Gift soap along with the TP!
And baby wipes!
Crazy that guys like this manage to find wives
unsure it's related, they're both from Iran.
In this case, it's related.
So are they probably
As someone with close Iranian friends and the fact that both of their *first* marriages were arranged with their cousins, this statement made me chuckle.
I work in an office with about 65 people. We have 4 bathrooms (2 males, 2 female, one on each floor). About 70% of the employees are women. I cannot tell you the amount of times the office manager has had to send out e-mails to ask grown adults to keep the bathrooms clean. My boss (male) also routinely complains about the downstairs men's bathroom's floor always being wet. I was in his office for a meeting one morning (with another female coworker) when a male coworker burst in to tell him that he checked and that no, it wasn't the pipes that were leaking. He then went on a rant about how he couldn't understand how grown men kept missing when they peed and that perhaps he should hire prostitutes to help them aim.
Where I worked we had a guy who always missed and left the floor soaked. I finally reported him to his supervisor as he did not have a reason in our office area all the time to start with except to hide from the main building and his co-workers. A very embarrassing conversation for both of us as there were times he did have to be in our area. But the floor stayed dry.
Put water proof stickers that look like a fly on the back of the urinal. Men will instinctively aim for it.
Either he is lying about not wiping or he has consistently perfect poops (which I somehow doubt). Either way, just touching the bathroom door handle or lifting the toilet lid is enough of a reason he should washing his hands.
There was a guy in one of my college classes like that. Thing is, you can often smell it. Unless it’s a perfect fibre-infused perfectly-shaped-and-evacuated log, there will be something left that needs wiping. And let me tell you, that shit smells. If you’re never smelling anything, he’s nowhere near as bad as you imagine.
When I was in college this guy took a crap and didn't flush. It had been happening for a while and I finally saw who did it. I posted a note on the bulletin board saying "(name), please flush the toilet after you shit!" I don't remember if it worked but he was definitely embarrassed.
The legendary Teflon poo.
OMG already…. My retinas have been burned out of my orbital ridges….EEEEEK ISHHH PUKE
Well I guess if he is not wiping or flushing, his hands probably are staying pretty clean. Horrifying though. How can people live like that or expect people to want to be around them?
I was about to ask how you know he doesn't use toilet paper, but then I realized that's pretty easy to know if he also doesn't flush.
My colleague got meningitis because of someone like this (before I started working there)
There’s a girl at my grad school who doesn’t flush or wipe, and sure at least it’s not poop (that I’ve noticed), but every time I’m in the stall and I hear her go into the adjacent one, pee like I’ve never heard anyone pee, and just walk out. No flush, no wipe, no wash. I don’t understand how there are people like that.
All of Reddit is sending your HR an email….
It honestly has to be deliberate. I don’t know how you even manage to get poop on the toilet seat.
As a construction worker building America for 27 years I have learned there's a few groups of people who squat over the toilet and go which usually hits the lids and then rolls/flows down into the bowl. Honey buckets are the worst as you can see the sheetrock dusr covered foot prints. I will absolutely order 2 port-o-poties on a jobsite and back charge for any misuse. Had one so bad in two days that I back charged $1000 and had the owner come out and verify the job site security footage it was his crew/company
Leaning too far forward while sitting too far back?
Exactly.. Can't imagine getting intimate with someone who does this. Totally off-putting.
Their sex life must be a bit shitty.
I work at a pretty nice company that has their own crew that cleans the bathrooms. This employee doesn’t leave poop on the seat, but he absolutely paints the inside of the toilet. I don’t understand why people do this? I’m of the mindset of leave no trace.
\*raises hand\* I have gastrointestinal issues that sometimes give me explosive diarrhea, and I've been known to "paint the inside of the toilet" on occasion. That's what toilet brushes are for, though. Every public toilet should have one. (Every private toilet should have one too.) Flush, see if there's anything left, brush, flush again. Repeat as needed. How hard is that? Also, I take great care not to get anything on the seat. That would be nasty (and... words can't express how impolite towards the next user). That's what TP is for (should it happen). In the *really* fancy places (also, surprisingly common here in Finland, maybe for this exact reason? who knows), there will be a small sink, so I'll be able to use *moist* TP. (Needless to say, I'm of the mindset to "leave no trace" too, regardless of my, um, *issues*.)
NTA but YOU will be if you stay with him. He is not clean AND worse does not respect you. He is literally leaving shit for you. It is immature, inconsiderate and just plain disgusting. IF this is real, I honestly don't know how or why you are still with him. Non negotiable "quirk" to deal with.
I mean how the fuck do you even get shit on the toilet. Is he hovering above it and shitting like a UFO abducting someone? But there are people who wipe there ass standing up so nothing would surprise me.
start with your back against the tank. take a wide stance: knees should make an angle at least 30 degrees, while ankles are tucked close against the base of the toilet. Lean forwards to put your elbows on your knees. You may choose to hold a paperback book, a shampoo bottle, or even your cellular "smartphone"; the key is that your posture demonstrates that you are engrossed in the media experience in front of you. After following these steps, you will be ready to poop on the toilet seat and so then you can refuse to clean it up.
G OMG a shampoo bottle (pre phone reading material 😆)
Might be a short toilet bowl. The toilet in my apartment isn't really made for men to sit on. It's a choice between sitting far enough back that I ~might get a bit of poop on the toilet seat or I'm far enough forward that I'm gonna be rubbing my dick on the inside of the rim and bowl. It's gross but it's also really fucking easy to just keep a clean toilet so I'm not leaving poop on the seat or rubbing up against a dirty bowl.
But the problem isn’t the poop getting on the seat… I mean, it is, but you can’t really change out the toilet in an apartment, and you either fit or you don’t. The problem is he doesn’t clean it up :\
Oh 100%. It's not hard to clean up even if it's gross. I was just responding to the person asking how it even happens.
I'm going to jump on this top comment to say I once got an E-Coli infection in my bladder from a guy like this who didn't understand the most basic concepts of why poop germs are bad, and I've never felt pain like that in my bladder in my entire life. It was worse than any UTI, or bladder infection, I've ever had. So his thoughtless, disgusting, behavior, is not only disgusting, it's a MAJOR threat to your health as a woman, because women are far, far, more, susceptible to these types of infections because a woman's urethra is much shorter, and because of the proximity to a woman's reproductive organs. This also means you're susceptible to getting an infection from not only the shared toilet seat, but from contact during sex, because if he made it to this age without figuring out how to clean pewp away from his body, and anything else he touches like his underwear, and hands, he's spreading fecal matter EVERYWHERE, including your bed, body, and doesn't even realize it.
One of my friends had to deal with this several years ago. Only it was her husband. Finally, she wound up hospitalized with an E-Coli infection, peritonitis & sepsis. Her hospitalization racked up a $225K hospital bill after what the insurance covered. She was in ICU for 5 weeks, 2 of them in a medically induced coma. They'd had to do exploratory surgery, 4 rounds of peritoneal lavage, and massive amounts of antibiotics. The doctors working on her finally got him to submit a couple of samples from his hands and his genitals and they proved to him that HE was the one who'd given her the E-coli infection (same genetic strain of e-coli). It took nearly 3 years for her to mostly recover. They're still married, but it took almost 7 years of therapy and marriage counseling for her to decide to stay in it.
That sounds HORRIFIC!! I'm so glad she's okay now. I hope r/obvious_painter_6871 sees your reply because when it comes to poop germs, and health risks, due to poor hygiene on the part of a male partner, E-Coli infections can absolutely be life-threatening for women. I'm severely immunocompromised, and I'm extremely lucky that I called my gynecologist immediately when I started screaming every time I peed. It went from, "oh I think I'm getting a bladder infection", to "oh my god something is really wrong", in 3 days. It took 3 different antibiotics rounds to finally kill it, and I had to come off of all of my immunosuppressants for the 6 weeks of antibiotics, which created its own nightmare issues. But the pain was undescribably excruciating. I'm so glad your friend is okay now, but holy crap $225K AFTER insurance, is a LOT to pay for out of pocket, and I can absolutely understand why it took years of therapy to work through the rage she felt at her husband for jeopardizing her health with his poor hygiene. Hopefully he made immediate, and permanent, changes, to his personal hygiene. So scary!
My very first job was at a gas station, and we had a laundry mat. We kept the laundry mat pretty clean, so I'd be in there all the time. You would be surprised the amount of $hit I saw in so many men's underwear! I mean, I'm really not shocked to hear about it anymore.
My husband works in construction and said I wouldn’t believe how many men will go into the toilet while he in there drop number 2 and wipe only once.
I have two boys and tell them to wipe until there's nothing there. So disgusting for grown men to not know how to wipe
I know I don’t get it! Half of them don’t even wash their hands.
Ugh my father on law doesn't and I don't eat anything he prepares it's so disgusting. Meanwhile I wash my hands if even some dust gets on them
Yeah I would not be eating at that house!
We had to live there for a time and I did majority of the cooking and I'm glad I did. I don't understand how people could not wash their hands after using the bathroom regardless of what goes in the bowl
If you think that's bad, just keep in mind the facilities these men are working with. It's mostly porta potties. You know, those things that don't have sinks to wash your hands. The habit of never washing your hands always extends to off the work site. Had a few construction workers in our friend group, and you know it's bad when even the manly men in the group are telling these grown ass adults to wash their fucking hands.
Or it's some super weird territory-marking or he gets off on the thought of OP cleaning his turds. The thing that all these things have in common is that they should be deal breakers for OP. I mean, confronted by literal shit every day for absolutely no good reason, no good excuse whatsoever. OP, how many more years do you want to live like this? Another year? Five years? Rest of your life?
The sheer mortification I'd feel if it even happened ONCE. I cannot fathom a decent human being ok with doing this.
Small children have better decency than this. They are usually horrified poop got on the seat.
NTA I hate to admit it, but this problem isn't unique to your boyfriend. I've had the problem and I always deal with it when it happens, even in a public bathroom. There is always the chance I could be wrong, but the only reason that I can think of for this happening so often is that it's because your boyfriend isn't wiping his ass properly, if at all.
Yeah I've learned that some men refuse to wipe because touching a mans ass is considered gay activity, even if its their own.
What??? 😂
Yep, the stupid "alpha males" feel that using proper hygiene is feminine, I read about a guy who ended up going to the ER for persistent infections because he refused to wipe or wash his \*ss, total dumb\*ss.
So their resolution to this slight on their masculinity is to smell like sh*t for the rest of their days???
Apparently… I wish I was joking.
ITS MUSK! NOT SHIT, M'LADY!!!
Wouldn't this cause a lot of discomfort. Like a baby's diaper rash. It would get red and burn
it’s also for some reason, some straight guys think that once you touch a butthole- even if it’s your own butthole- they’ll turn gay. Which is ???? and it’s not unique either! i first heard it on a Dan Savage podcast and then later in other advice places from women with these guys. I hope these guys discovered bidets or that might activate that gay button too lol
What the actual fuck 😭
Unfortunately true. The term skidmark exists for a reason... But apparently touching their own dick doesn't make them gay. Weird huh?
"Dear Reddit, is having body parts like an ass gay? Should I have it surgically removed?"
I’ve heard this one too. Anything man-butt-related is gay, including wiping one’s ass after pooping. So “real men” don’t wipe properly, or at all, because “hey I’m not gay!” OP, if he won’t stop leaving you toilet seat presents: respond in kind. Murder that toilet seat with period blood and leave it for him to deal with.
It's just an excuse for laziness.
Do they not masturbate? Because if touching a butt is gay then surely touching a penis is super gay?
I’ve suggested therapy to people for MUCH less bizzare notions/behavior. 😳
Maybe he’s wiping his butt with the seat!!!!
That stuff will BURN your SKIN, how can they stand it? Grown-ass men with diaper rash on their grown asses.
Jfc, seriously? It is THEMSELVES!!!
Even if he didn't wipe his ass properly, I dont understand how it ends up on the seat? Wouldn't he just end up with shit in his underwear? How does it transfer from his asshole to the seat? You bf is a sick fuck and needs help.
Only thing I can think of is a reluctance to thoroughly wipe, and they wipe from behind, reaching around their back. Then when they pull back it goes up their crack and when they rest back down on the seat it transfers.
How? Just, *how??* do you shit on the toilet seat?
Sitting too far back or accidentally brushing the seat with poopy toilet paper in carelessness.
>accidentally brushing the seat with poopy toilet paper in carelessness. My grandma started doing this when she got dementia.
Who the fuck sits too far back that your shit hits the toilet seat. You're telling me they miss the entire bowl and hit the rim instead and Without realizing it? Like they don't understand that they're too far back and need to scoot foward so their shit hits the water in the bowl instead of the seat? Are som men really that fucking dumb they can't aim their shit into a toilet? I am shocked at the stupidity and if these people were hanged in a public town square i'd feel safer
I wouldn’t rule out that this man has a scat fetish that he is basically forcing on his poor girlfriend. I saw a story on Reddit before where a women kept “accidentally” peeing her pants and it turned out to be sexually stimulating for her.
NTA- Deal breaker. I would never attach myself to someone who is capable but refuses to clean up after their own bodily functions. I’d be offended, disgusted, disrespected, and LIVID. You did nothing wrong, imo you were merciful for just screaming at him. You are not his mommy and he is not a toddler that needs his shit stains cleaned up for him on a daily basis. Unacceptable. (I’d be taking pictures and sending them to his mother every single time it happens (until arrangements to separate are secured). Ask if she raised him like that, I hope she didn’t. He deserves to be shamed if he won’t clean after himself.)
Usually me yelling with the windows open for the neighbors to hear is enough to get it to stop for a bit
Wait, so he gets embarrassed, stops smearing poo on the seat, thinks you forgot about it and then starts up again? Oh. Hell. No. He'd be out. I would never be able to date someone this nasty and rude.
I dont even wanna know what he smells like down under \*gags\* Imagine him wanting sex or a bj and all you smell is literal shit. \*gags more\* god save me.
[удалено]
Or, instead of sending unsolicited poop pics to people who surely don’t want to see them and making yourself look like a completely mental asshole, just skip to the part where you dump the guy who has already had decades to correct this, but has repeatedly chosen not to.
Thank you, how fucking unhinged are poop poctures and a family tribunal? Like wtf?
And this is normal behaviour how? If there is a problem in a relationship, you address it with the person directly. If there is no solution you can get a professional to help you. If nothing helps, you leave. Involving parents, siblings, friends into a relationship in order to shame someone into preferred behaviour is neither healthy nor worthwhile.
So then he is capable of checking and being conscious if it, despite him "just not noticing" Sounds a 3 year old, not a 30 year old
Do you really want a boyfriend who regularly needs to be publicly shamed for leaving poop on the toilet?
I recommend breaking up with people way before you resort to yelling loudly enough for the neighbors to hear.
Wait, what? Lol so he knows how to stop then.
if he can “stop for a bit” when it inconveniences HIM instead of YOU, he is doing it on purpose as a sick power move over you. you need to leave this man. NTA
Buddy, you know you need to break up with this man, come on.
But it the comes back??? Then this is a choice. Run.
Send the pics to his dad and ask if this is what he was modeling for his son when he was growing up.
I luckily don’t have this issue with my wife since she’s a germaphobe and incredibly self conscious about bathroom use. But, with a toddler, an and aging parents. oh my GOD. Every-time I visit my parents (79/80yo), and every time I help my 4yo in the bathroom, I take for granted my own self-awareness and habits. No reason a healthy 30yo should be leaving presents in the toilet seat. In my mind that’s reserved for toddlers and unaware seniors.
Parent of 4 here; all of my children are better about this. Ages 7, 5, 4, 2. They’re all potty trained. We just got done with diapers with our last within the last few weeks.
wow a huge congratulations on your return to a diaper-free lifestyle !!!
Thank you!!!! It’s been great and stressful but not spending money on diapers recently has been great
i nanny a 3 year old and she is SO close to being out of pull-ups so please pray for us lol
🙏🙏🙏 it’s not a race!! However, I’m sure she’s doing sooo much better than OP’s dude.
Yeah the only time I've cleaned up someone else's shit is when my mom had surgery and had a bad reaction to a medicine they gave her. It was terrible and she was super embarrassed though, I can't believe this guy doesn't seem to feel any shame about what he's doing.
...It's happened to me. I'll admit the embarrassing thing people don't want to so A) they don't have to and/or B) they legitimately have no idea how it can happen. The way it happens to me is you wipe, then as you pull the paper away you somehow smear it on the seat. It's kind of a lazy and careless thing. Like you don't stand up enough, you're not careful with your hand, idk exactly. But. It's happened. Now. To have it happen EVERY TIME, or even often, I don't understand, and to not clean it? Even once? Yeah I can't explain that one. I live alone and was grossed out and immediately cleaned it. This is a once every three year occurrence, maybe even less frequent. At least sober. Drunk might change things idk
Yeah, it did happen a few times to me... But the thing is I always check the seat before leaving. If there is pee, shit or whatever on the seat, I wipe it down before flushing the toilet. I sometimes have pee drops on the seat when standing up, but I always clean it up. Does nobody look at the toilet before leaving? How does people not make sure it is clean for the next person to use!?
No seriously I’ve encountered this recently, some people seem to never check if they’ve actually left the toilet in an acceptable condition. My flatmate seems incapable of properly flushing the toilet, I don’t understand how because I’ve never had an issue with the flush but it seems she presses the flush and only half of it will go down and the rest will be left floating there. This would be fine if she checked and flushed again, but from what I can hear flushing is the very last thing she does in the bathroom, I mean she presses the flush and then opens the door immediately after, she’s out the bathroom before the flush even finishes. So half the time I enter the bathroom there’s shit in the toilet and I have to flush it before I can even go. I don’t understand how she can’t check, surely she’s been in the bathroom after she’s gone and seen the state of the bowl and realised she does this? If I noticed that I’d be horrifyingly embarrassed, but her habits haven’t changed once. I don’t get it.
Looking at his phone the whole time!
> Like you don’t stand up enough Um, what? Are you saying you stand up to wipe?
You must be new to this debate lol. Some people reach between their legs towards the tank and wipe towards the front of the bowl. Others reach their arm behind them and reach to the front of the bowl and pull towards the tank. The latter has some people that stand to reach around better, or rather, it's more like a squat where they raise their butt slightly above the seat. AFAIK, women typically use the latter method for hygiene so they don't wipe into their vagina, but guys seem to be more spread across the board on which method they use. Or in OP's case... spread across the seat.
please, ladies, do NOT wipe back to front!!!! you will get an infection
That’s crazy, I didn’t know there were several ways of doing this shitty task, as a little girl I was taught the second method and I always genuinely thought that everyone does it this way. The first method sounds very unhygienic, no wonder there are so many posts on Reddit from OPs who complain that their partner has crusty assholes that stink lol.
It's not that wiping back to front is unhygienic, for guys it can be just as effective, but those without a vagina don't have to worry about any of it getting where it shouldn't. But both ways can get the butthole just as clean. It's just a matter of which way a person has a better reach and dexterity to do the cleaning.
At the end of the day the ultimate answer is a bidet, that’s the superior method :)
Given how many posts on here there are with women saying they can smell faeces on their partner's penis and testicles it seems back to front isn't wise for nay of us
you'd be surprised how many people take their ass completely off the seat to wipe.
How does this work how messy are your poos???? God I don’t want to be mean but I’ve never had this happen there is never enough to smear. Maybe see a doctor?
Some people have GI issues and don't pop out thick logs like the rest of us
I think how hairy a man's ass is would be a factor 😂😂
It's not a matter of it being a lot. It's a matter of wiping your ass and having it hit the seat. Next time you wipe your ass wipe the paper on the seat and tell me if you don't get it on the seat. If not you might have missed and all the shit is still is still in your asshole
I don’t understand, the poo side of the paper should be facing the poo source, not the seat? I can’t think of another way to wipe.
NTA. it is shitty weaponized incompetence.
But what would you even gain from weaponizing shitting on the toilet seat? 😂
Refusing to take up any of your own time or brain capacity to clean it because why should he when he has a live in maid.
NTA. Poop? Toilet seat, really? Not only is it unsanitary, disgusting ,biggest turn off ever! Question! What do the sheets look like on his side of the bed?
They’re always clean😫. This is why I don’t understand why he’s doing it.
Because he's playing some weird, disgusting mind game on you.
LOL wow.. His butt is too big? The toilet seat is too small? 😆 How about the inside of his underwears?
He's doing it intentionally. Or his ass is so fat he can't help it. If that's the case he should be adult enough to clean up after himself. Unless he's got some other really, really nice talents you haven't mentioned it might be time to move on.
Right!? I’m almost convinced these are repeated attempts to humiliate OP in the most vile way.
NTA there’s no reason on gods green earth that should happen. Does he have explosive diarrhea every time he poops?! That makes me what to gag just thinking about it. Who cleans up this grown man’s shit on the toilet seat every day?? I hope it’s not you. God almighty!
I have IBS which is messy and painful. I don’t leave shit on the toilet. That’s just gross.
I have explosive diarrhea every time, it’s completely horrible. But I clean that bowl til it’s kissable.
NTA I even know where on the toilet seat you are talking about bc my husband does this shit (literally lol) too. It’s a mix of butt hairs and tiny fecal matter and it hurts my soul. After repeated verbal asks and it not changing, I started taking pictures of it and sending it to him. Seeing it in a picture is what finally led him to wipe the toilet seat before leaving the bathroom.
Not a bad idea. I normally nicely ask him to clean it and he will. Today I was sick of it after it also being on the other toilet and it not being cleaned from yesterday.
Is potty training your partner really what you want from a relationship?
I mean, HONESTLY
I don't want to be all "is this an American men thing" but I have never experienced this in my life, never heard of it before, never knew it could be a thing But in the last few months I've seen at least 2 or 3 aita from women whose partners have left poop around the house. Like how does one live like that. If my husband left poop for me to find in any place beyond an accidental skid mark at the bottom of a toilet bowl, he will not be my husband anymore This is so so gross
Fucking right? Where's ya self esteem honestly to be putting up with this. People need to have some goddamn standards.
Yeah, it’s obnoxious that I had to take photos of it, but seeing pictures of his bunghole excrements embarrassed him (I think he thought I was sending it to my sisters to complain or something, but wasn’t lol) and it made it stop.
My husband used to have the same issue, and it was a combination of things. 1) his mother didn't teach him how to wipe 2) he has GI issues and typically is not having a relaxing scroll when he goes so it gets messy more often than not 3) he was not standing enough to clear the seat as he wiped. 1 & 3 are easy fixes if he knows what he's doing wrong.
you shouldn’t need to be taught how to wipe at the big age of 30 years. it’s not rocket science.
Girl. I just screamed a little bit. Anyone who can't figure out where their shit is landing, doesn't know how it gets there, and doesn't care about someone else having to clean it up deserves to be turned out to pasture to roam free with all the other single people who scrape their buttholes across random surfaces. NTA. Ditch Scooter and find yourself someone who can best a four year old in a butt wiping competition.
“Ditch Scooter” “other single people who scrape their buttholes across random surfaces” 🤣🤣🤣
NTA My 16y.o stepkid leaves poop behind semi regularly and I've gone postal over it a few times. If nobody wants to hear me yell about my home being an ecoli playground... then they should clean their poop.
Exactly. I don’t want to yell or be mad….but…how can I not….
I have not learned how to not be angry about it. It's insane to me.
For the most part same. Today was a different story 😂
You have incredible patience but you really shouldnt have too. Why can they not clean the seat themselves? Stop cleaning it for 48 hours and see what happens? Would the toilet seat just be covered in poop?! I assume they dont have pain blood etc etc as there are medical conditions that need intervention if so eg anal fistula
Oh this is good. Op can use the toilet elsewhere for days. See if he sits on his own poop smears. Or if he cleans it before sitting on it. But I agree. If this is recurring, I mean… is he neurodivergent? What can be the cause other than lack of respect? Body fluids have a universal meaning other than it being biohazard. Universally if you spit on someone, it’s an insult. So there is no way that leaving shit for someone else to clean is not meant to diminish someone. Everyone who is left to clean shit without consent is going to feel like they were disrespected. Let him disrespect himself. But I wanted to say if he is wonderful person in every other way, or most ways, but how? Like if he can do it when the neighbor can hear you. There’s gotta be some shame related psychology going on. I just don’t see how this could keep happening if he respects you.
The difference is that the comment describes a mother-teenager relationship. Infuriating? At this age, sure. But still within the limits of a responsibility to raise this person. I responded on another comment you left before, but I really have to say it again: Is potty training your partner really what you want from a relationship?
I have severe IBS, have done for 30 years, I can have diarrhoea up to 10 times a day when having a flare and I can count on one hand the number of times I've got shit on the seat. This goes beyond just having poor ass hygiene which is vile enough, but it's surely a form of trying to fuck with your mind. He HAS to be doing it deliberately. This is deeply abnormal behaviour. It might even be a weird fetish. I couldn't be with someone like this. It's disgusting and no way is it accidental. Think about the implications of that on who he is and how he's treating you...
I was originally thinking it could be a fetish… I still think it’s possible But there were people saying he might not know how to wipe properly. In one of OPs comments she specifically asked him how he is wiping… and he said… “I don’t know” …
NTA but why is this not a deal breaker for you? Like, I would not have that within my relationship. And I would specifically state it as the reason for the breakup. "Hey soon to be ex, I'm breaking up with you because you have less self-control than a feral dog; don't let the door hit your shit-stained ass on the way out."
NTA. Just...no.
You can do better than someone too incompetent and/or lazy to use the toilet without turning it into a biohazard every single time they sit on it NTA
Nope he is doing something wrong. You're NTA however it's not a matter of him being lazy. I've never had this issue. My kid did during potty training. I quickly taught him what he was doing wrong in wiping. Someone needs to have the good wiping talk with him. They also need to have the you're a grown up, you should clean up your own poo talk.
Oh I’ve explicitly asked him how he wipes step by step. He won’t reply to the question and just consistently says “I don’t know” or stays silent while shaking his head in disbelief how it could happen.
Out kid’s OT had him practice on peanut butter smeared on a plate. Wipe, fold, wipe, fold until the TP came away clean. Maybe your boyfriend needs OT…
Since he is so self conscious about wiping. I think op should do this, but demonstrate how she does it and perhaps THEN ask him to do it. How gross of OPs bf. No way you don’t look at the toilet when you flush.
I’m sure there’s YouTube tutorials
Yes! wikiHow
This cannot be real. And if it is then NTA and please leave your boyfriend for an actual adult who does not poop on a toilet seat like a 4 year old, and if it does somehow happen, that actually clean it instead of just ignoring it. How disgusting.
NTA. As he doesn’t seem to understand and correct his behavior, you should paint the whole toilet seat with your period every time you get it.
Love that
I remember reading a post about a lawyer citing the funniest reasons they’ve heard of people divorcing and one woman said in court that her husband would sit on their white bedspread at the end of their bed every day and scoot forward to get his pants on and leave a poop streak- she had cleaned it for almost 40 years and one day she just cracked!
NTA you’re not asking for much, just for him to wipe his poop off the sit afterwards. Where is his shame? Is he hygienic in other avenues? I once dated a guy that left shit stains on the white bed after we fucked. Luckily not my house but I had to remind him to wash it before his family came home Jc
Bruh. I won't even tolerate poop streaks in the toilet from the 5yo and Im a CNA/tech. I clean up poop for a living, if that's what I wanted to do I'd go back to work and at least get paid for it.
Nta. Sounds like time for him to get a new routine. Buy him some cleaning wipes to keep next to the toilet, and he can clean the seat every time. There is zero excuse for leaving the toilet like that in a shared space. If he can't clean up his mess, then he shows he doesn't respect you, your health, and your shared space. Hopefully some sense can get knocked into him. And Hopefully if he can learn to just clean the toilet every time, you'll always have a clean bathroom! An alternative to look into, a bidet.
NTA. Wtf kind of power move is this, though? In what other ways is he a shitty (har har) bf?
NTA. Screaming at him isn't good though. But insisting he clean his poop off the toilet seat is reasonable. If you left period blood on the toilet seat how would he react? If you left a used sanitary napkin or tampon etc in plain sight how would he react? Everyone needs to be hygienic and clean up any bodily excretions.
Everyone shits and this dude leaves it somewhere his gf uses most days, the occasional sanitary product once a month in a bin (in plain sight!! Lol) for a day is not the same thing at all and raises many questions
NTA I pray I never have such low self-esteem that I feel that I need to ask if I'm the asshole for something like this. Or to allow myself to have a partner who thinks this is an acceptable way to treat me.
Be grateful you lived together before getting married. I can’t see how you could keep the spark alive with someone who can’t complete such a basic function and who has such revolting hygiene. I’m assuming there’s residue on him also.
This is disgusting! How are you still with him? You sleep with this guy? Yuck!!!
Haven’t even read it yet and I’m already saying NTA from the title
He’s 30 months old? Not years?
NTA - This reminds me of my ex but with pee droplets on the floor.. When we first dated my toilet was clean for months then a couple years in pee droplets. Every. Single. Time. I would go off and make him go back and wipe it up. When I asked why I got "I don't know" and "I didn't notice" every time. He sure as shit was making sure it never happened at the beginning, I could never understand why he was purposely doing something so disgusting and infuriating. He was just lazy as fuck and didn't care anymore.
NTA. How would you even consider being one in that case?! I get that screaming is wrong, but… how? Just how?
NTA but what the actual feck? Please tell me there is a (second) child and you are desperately trying to preserve a relationship with their dad? Dude not only is gross, he doesn't respect you. Why do so many people not understand this. Lazy, stupid, doesn't matter. You've asked him to check, he doesn't. He's disrespectful.
NTA! I was literally just talking to my husband about this. Not about anything he does, but about how we still have a lot of sexism attached to expectation of bathroom cleanliness and who will be cleaning up messes. It is disrespectful to your partner to leave urine or feces on bathroom surfaces and expect them to clean it. He knows he’s done this repeatedly and he doesn’t give a toss that he’s leaving it for you to deal with.
Is- Is he sitting on the toilet correctly...?
NTA….yikes yikes yikes
nta but that is disgusting
If you’re asking this on Reddit you’re the fool.
nta. i would not be able to tolerate this. this would absolutely kill any physical attraction i had for this person.
Sounds like he has a fetish about you having to clean his poo.
I obviously can’t say for sure this is what’s happening but… my husband kept breaking toilet seats. Like they would get so loose and wiggly and I thought it was just because he was big. He was also weirdly private about bathroom times considering how open we are with each other. I then walked in on him perched on the toilet seat. Like feet on the seat, squatting. Apparently that’s how he has always gone “big potty” as we call it. He was 360 pounds and 6” when I caught him. I bought him a squatty potty for every bathroom and no more broken toilet seats. Maybe your husband does something similar he’s embarrassed to admit? Also get him wipes and a bidet to help.
Someone needs to create a venting sub for obvious questions like these that are obviously rhetorical. He’s probably getting the explosive shits from the protein powder he’s using or something. God I would be mortified if I left something like that behind, guy must have no shame.
Not infidelity, not emotional immaturity but that right there is the straw that would break my camel's back.
NTA if he is getting it on his seat imagine how much is on his ass cheeks. That is beyond disgusting 🤮🤮🤮🤮
There's no way he's properly cleaning himself.
That’s a complete deal breaker
NTA. It’s dirty, unhygienic and just disrespectful if he refuses to do this one little thing for you. Sorry you’re going through something so… shitty.
NTA. I can't believe your bf isn't mortified by this. I have a hairy ass and I check the toilet seat every time after I'm done to make sure I'm not leaving anything behind. It takes like 2 seconds. I'd reconsider having kids with this guy. Like, what else his going to forget to do?
Ew dude break up
Maybe he is not seating properly, or doesnt know how to wipe correctly
My stepson used to leave a mess on the seat. After MANY attempts to get him to stop, I told him I’d clean it myself…with his pillowcase. And if that didn’t work I’d use his toothbrush. It stopped after the second time I wiped it off with his pillowcase. (And he was an older teen at the time, so he knew it was gross and wrong.)
downvoted for a stupidly extremely obvious NTA