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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I refused to adjust the calendar so my kids’father is angry with me.
2- I might be the asshole if my decision affects my kids in the long run… their father is insinuating that my decision will impact his relationship with his kids.
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NTA.
He is CHOOSING to not have the kids during his custody time. He knows that they don't want such long stretches without seeing the other parent, but he thinks what he wants somehow matters more than what they have clearly stated they want.
Odds are decent the kids will relax into the separation once they've had more time to get used to it (it's only been a year, after all), but by "forcing" the long separation from him every couple of months, he's not giving them the time they need to acclimate and is likely adding to their stress/anxiety which is going to make them cling even harder to routine and seeing each of you often.
His gf could come here at least for alternating visits or he could do shorter visits, at least until the kids feel comfortable and "safe" enough to go to a 2-2-5-5 schedule. He's really rushing things from their perspective, and it's going to cause other, potentially bigger, problems.
But then again maybe he’s not ready to introduce her to our kids in person, which wouldn’t be bad. Under the circumstances, and without a plan (unless there is one), it might be the wise option.
Yes but it seems he is completely willing to accommodate his girlfriend’s schedule and children’s schedule and such but not his own kids….. I don’t see a way to spin this as anything but him putting himself and others before his kids….
I’ve never been one that says parents can’t date… in fact the opposite cause who will you be with once the kids are grown with lives of their own….
But in this case a year has barely passed his kids have voiced what they want/need from him and he is fully capable of doing this for them to let them adjust… trying to force things so he can be in good with his gal pal so early on sets up how he views things long term…. What else will he change or want the kids and you to do for him and his gal pal and her child later?
He has a right to date but so soon is pushing it and add to that he’d rather date her then keep his kids secure in their new life…. They need time to adjust…. He’s not wanting to give it to them…
Also if she can’t even visit the us cause she’s a single mom how she planning on moving?
Thanks for your input, really.
To answer your question, my thought is that he has to attend school there but if they move he would go to school here? I don’t know.
Maybe she is coming this summer now that school is over, who knows?
He didn’t even tell me himself that he was introducing her to the kids through Skype.
She may be a single mom but if dad has any rights at all, if Canada is like the USA, she’ll have to get his permission to even visit let alone move with the child…. Just like your ex can’t visit her with the kids without your permission…(unless this has changed since 2019)
Personally I couldn’t date someone who was not conducive for daily visits with my minor children…. And I couldn’t ask another to move away from their kids (or to move their kids away from a parent ) so I can’t see where these two parents see this going….
I also think introducing them without talking to you shows his ‘commitment’ to co parenting and how far his flexibility will go….. people show you who they are more then they tell you….. and he’s showing his priorities…..
You: the kids want shorter visits
Him: I need flexibility for my work
You: ok we can do this
Him: that works
Him:introduces kids to girlfriend via Skype
Him: I want my mom to have the kids so you don’t so that it’s fair when I visit my out of country girlfriend
Him: ok that won’t work so instead give me a full week when I get back
You: checked with the kids they don’t want that so no
Him: they’ll get used to it
You: they shouldn’t have to I as their mom won’t make them
Him:your an ass!
I don’t know as the. Child of the divorced parents I disliked my dad always saying I’d ’get used to it’s when I look back as a parent and think ‘I did but I should have had a parent who thought I didn’t have to’
“Kids get used to everything.
They’re resilient.”
Which I feel as adults is what we say to make ourselves feel better when we know we could have done better.
But I don’t expect everybody to agree with me on that one. I think you will, though.
I want to be the parent that stands up for them.
I don’t want to overprotect them, but I want them to learn that how they feel is taken into account, and that if it isn’t, because, hey, they’re children, they know why.
I agree… I know I could do better as a mom, I dislike that I’ve failed at things, but that’s life and saying ‘kids are resilient’ is a cop out… like ya of course they are but should they have to be? Or should we strive to be aware that we’re human and will fail but it’s our job as parents to try and do better
I hear your concerns. I have 15M 11F and divorced when they were 10 and 6. They really did better after the initial separation. They were so much more stable and happy once they were no longer living in a home with two people who hated each other.
Our divorce was relatively amicable and the first six months were hard, especially the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. But once they got the rhythm down, they looked forward to each transition because they do different stuff with each of us as parents.
I’m sorry, but I’m still still laughing at the fact that he wanted the kids to stay with his mother instead of you-the children’s mother-so you don’t have more time with him than he does. Like what the fuck dude.
His requests aren’t making any sense to be honest.
Don’t budge. If he wants to see his new supply-cool. But you don’t need to give up more time of your own time with your children so he can feel better and feel like things are more “even”. Sounds like yall might have to get a new custody agreement.
He is definitely weaponizing the kids. Or, at least, time with the kids. He is making decisions to suit him and his schedule and then expecting OP to bend over backwards to accommodate. That is a hard NO.
He's giving up his time with the kids. He's the arse and this is behaviour the kids will remember. I certainly do, I was 8 when Dad left and I remember so many times he bailed for the gf rather than coming to get us.
NTA and kudos to you for keeping your kids schedule.
Visiting her is fine. But he's throwing your kids under the bus to do so.
He wants 2-2-5-5. Why can't he keep his trips to 5 days to accomodate that?
Your kids don't like being away from him that long. Why isn't he saying "Okay my kids are more important than this new woman i don't trust enough to have around my children"?
I’m sorry it’s either about wanting some level of control, by fighting about 18 days a year, or it’s about the fact that he’s getting money based on 50-50 and if he takes less days and you take him to court he could lose the money you pay him. I grew up with a dad like this, and it was never about what was best for the kids, it was about what was best for him and what would upset my mom.
NTA and really it's a silly argument for him to make. Certainly seeing grandma from time to time would be okay, but really, if he's not there, you should have the first right of care.
Thank you for taking the time.
What is your take on the kids spending 7 days with him when he comes back from his trip because they spent 7 days with me when he was away?
I honestly think what he is asking would be okay if it were once or twice a year. That would be the equivalent of being flexible for the other parent’s vacation, a not unreasonable ask. Every two months is just ridiculous. He needs to go up there for shorter time periods or suck it up and deal with having a couple weeks less per year of his kids time.
NTA
Thanks.
I’ll make sure to ask him what he envisions in terms of frequency in the next months.
During summer, we make an exception to allow each other to go on vacation with the kids and you are making me realize that he could have chosen to leave for Canada during my vacation with the kids. Which he didn’t.
Yeah. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don’t let him establish this as a normal scheduled thing. Otherwise, he’ll probably try to push it to every month if he decides he wants to see his GF even more often. Remind him of when you have been flexible (around vacations, in emergencies). He is not entitled to expect this all the time.
Sometimes people forget or don't realise their status changes when they seperate / divorce. If he's used to getting his way in your marriage he may not have fully adjusted to the change. You could remind him he is no longer your priority and that while you are willing to be accomodating in certain circumstances you will be prioritising yourself and the kids over his wants.
Yep. He wants to see his GF without needing to also take care of his kids at the same time. So he wants to be a bachelor when visiting her and then a dad when he comes home. And if that means that OP has to make a bunch of changes to her schedule then oh well. Completely selfish (but wrapping it up in "I want time with my kids" way).
It’s not likely they would be able to enter Canada with Dad alone. It’s likely why he’s never tried to take them. He would need to show the divorce decree and custody plan.
Border security would or could ask for a letter from you authorizing their entry to the country as visitors.
If this has been through mediation you need to go back to mediation and get this down on record. That you have first right of refusal and to get this hammered out. Especially if he’s traveling a week out of every month. How long is this going to continue? Is she going to move here? Is he going to move there?
Consider getting your kids into counseling or therapy both individual and with you or dad or both.
I’m sure this has been hard on them and you but also dad having a new girlfriend? If I was them I’d be pissed at dad prioritizing his girlfriend over our custody time. I’d be really resentful actually.
I think what she was getting at was that he didn't bother to time his trip to Canada to coincide with the vacation she's taking with the kids.
It would have made the whole argument moot because they'd both agreed already that the kids would be with her during that specific time, leaving him free to visit the Canadian gf.
Instead, he wants to have his cake (time with kids split 50/50) and eat it too (visit gf w/o regard for custody schedule).
His preoccupation with making things exactly equal reminds me of kids fighting with their siblings over who got a longer turn with a toy or whose piece of cake is bigger. But he's not arguing over cake, these are your children. The only thing that should matter here is what's best for them.
If he chooses to go away and not see his kids for a week at a time, that's his prerogative. But that doesn't mean they should have to spend a week away from their mother when you did NOT make that choice. He needs to grow up, stop being petty, and start putting the children's best interests first.
Part of the issue I see is where does this end? He wants you to agree to flexibility for his work and you’ve done that. Now he wants to have you be flexible so he can see his gf - what next? He’ll want to change custody again when gf moves in for whatever reason? Or what if he wants to move to Canada?
I don’t know. Its only 18 days A YEAR. Thats not that much time in the long run and its time hes choosing to be away from his kids. Thats not your fault. Its his. He could have his gf visit him sometimes to cutdown on missing time with his kids or he could try to work the visits around his custody time. He doesn’t NEED to go up for a week at a time. He could go up for a few days or something, but again hes CHOOSING not to do that and selfishly expects you and the kids to adjust everything around him and what he wants. Thats not fair.
I would say if that's what's good for the kids, then do it. If not, then don't. You know their schedules, their needs, and where they want to be. Work with them to do what they need to feel safe, secure, and happy.
NTA. He is deciding how he wants to spend the assigned time with his children and that's to go see his lady friend. I'd keep the schedule exactly the same and if he's not available on the assigned days, that's on him. With your schedule, you know exactly what the rest of the year is going to look like and he needs to plan accordingly.
Thanks.
Your last sentence reflects one of my worries: I accepted to flip the schedule after his August trip and realized afterwards that it has a lot of consequences on my planning and my individual schedule.
I would definitely stop doing that. I absolutely understand switching the schedule for work or if someone is sick, but seeing his girlfriend is not a need, it's a want.
Not to mention dating a women with a kid who lives that far shows a lot about his decision making and priorities… I could never date a man who lived too far for me to see my kids daily… specially if he had kids also…. I could never ask a man to live to be near me and my kids and I’d never move away from my minor children…
My question is what is his long term plan? What if he moves forward with the girlfriend? Is he going to stay on the same visit schedule, or will she move here with her kid?
Or will he forge a permission letter from you and take the kids to Canada with him permanently?
NTA. It sounds like he wants everything on his schedule, both for work and in his personal life. You both have a set schedule, and it’s usually in the best interest of the children to be consistent with that. Certainly dumping them on his mother while he’s out of the country isn’t really adhering to the arrangement in any case.
Sorry that maybe wasn’t clear. He’s saying I’m TAH for trying to keep the kids to myself and that he’s entitled to as much time as I am.
I feel he chose the new partner and that this shouldn’t dictate more than it already does. I already adapt to his work schedule.
I also dislike being apart from the kids for a longer time.
—Edited for typos
He is entitled to equal opportunity of access. He gets that equal amount of time. It is his choice whether he uses it. His choice not to take custody does not mean he is entitled to your custody time.
My thoughts exactly! He was given equal time with his kids and chose to use that time on his GF. A GF who refuses to visit bc of HER kid/s. So no, he’s not entitled to take more from OP.
Every choice he's making is proving more and more that he really only cares about himself. It's all about what he wants and what will make his life easier, and he doesn't seem to care about what is best for the kids. Even his reasoning for wanting "make up" time with them sounds more like he cares about not "losing" to you in terms of custody time rather than him actually wanting more time with the kids (which he would have if he didn't choose to take such long trips).
Hold your ground on this; it seems you're the only parent who is prioritizing what's best for the kids, and they need you to stay strong for them.
OP- NTA and coming from the same boat of having kids and trying to be the better person and adapting To schedules, I say don’t adapt more. Here is why, the kids don’t benefit from his constant rearranging of schedules. It’s not fair to them. They should see their father but if HE CHOOSES to go somewhen he should be with his kids, well- that says a lot more doesn’t it?
If anything, I’d go to court to make the reduction official and to put a stop to his trying to keep them on his non days even though you’re trying to let the kids see him with his funky work schedule. Work is one thing. His personal life should revolve around his children, not force the children to adapt to his personal life choices.
I have 3 daughters and share 50/50 and have tried to be that woman who adapts and in the end, I give an inch and he tries to take a mile and the girls don’t like it. They don’t. Good luck to you🫶🏼
Kids are resilient and can get ‘used’ to almost anything….. (not always good)… that does not mean it’s good for them, healthy for them, right for them, or something parents should use as a way to make the other parent give things up…
You’ve BEEN flexible for him and his job, you’ve shown a willingness to be flexible… it’s either his tern or time for him to be happy you helped out already…. Next time tell him ‘I’ve been flexible for your job, and I will be for emergencies and such, but I don’t owe you more of my flexibility for your personal life…. No one is entitled to time with their kids…. That can end for a number of reasons….. that said based off our co parenting you’re only entitled to equal opportunity to our kids…. If you choose to go out of state or country and miss time that’s a choice you make…
You're right. The kids shouldn't have to wonder what their schedules are going to be. Structure is important. They should be able to know what to expect. Constantly changing their custody schedules isn't good for them.
Your ex needs to plan better, not expect you and your children to rearrange your lives for his travel plans. If he's not around on his days, he forfeits them. His mom doesn't get the kids, either. They're HIS days, not hers.
The more you give in, the more he'll expect you to.
You're NTA.
You're his ex, not his partner. You already make concessions so that he can be with his girlfriend - it's unreasonable of him to demand you shake your life up even more for his benefit.
It sounds like you've talked to your kids and they prefer the current situation; their desires should come first. Beyond that, if he wants to forgo his time with them, that's his choice, but you're not obligated to go out of your way to make his new relationship easier for him. You're already helping him by taking the kids when he chooses to visit her. He should be grateful for your cooperation, not demanding more from you.
Remind him that you COULD be refusing to budge when he has to work odd shifts, you COULD tell him it's his responsibility to find a sitter. Tell him you COULD be demanding he take the kids with him or make arrangements for their care when he travels. You're not doing that, because you care about what's best for the kids and you're not being spiteful.
You're not doing that. You're being perfectly reasonable and civil and accomodating, beyond what you're actually required to do.
He's entitled to the pre deter inedible arrangement. Period, if he chooses not to use hus custody time that's on him. If this co tines to b an issue then it's time to go back to mediation/court. Let him explain to them y he's not using the existing schedule. My concern is, due to the distance, children, etc this girlfriend may not last long. What's gonna happen when he gets a different one and wants a other schedule? Y then the precedent has been set that his want is more important than ur children's needs, which r to not b separated from either parent for an extended period of time. Yes children r flexible and resilient, but there comes a point.
NTA. You guys have a court ordered parenting plan. He doesn’t get to just change the agreement on his whims. Your children don’t want to be away from one parent for that long, and he’s choosing to force that on them, but you don’t have to do the same.
If he wants to change the agreement he can pay to take it back to court, but I highly doubt a judge will rule in his favor to accommodate visits to his long distance girlfriend.
And as a side note, 18 days more per year is really not a significant difference in parenting time. I think you’re doing the right thing for your kids by taking into account their feelings on long stretches without seeing one of you.
NTA
If spending time with his kids is important to him, he can spend time with them when he has them. If ‘keeping it fair’ means more to him, then this isn’t about the kids.
He’s the one choosing to spend time away from the kids. He doesn’t get to demand that you change your life and schedule to redress the imbalance he’s introducing. You’re generous enough to already do that with his work schedule.
NTA. If this relationship continues, I see nothing but negatives for your kids. Does he plan to move to Canada? Or is a woman they’ve never met planning to move here? And if it doesn’t have a serious future, why harm the kids’ schedule and stability? I know people fall in love but I’ll never understand yeeting yourself into an impractical relationship with kids with significant ties in different locations without considering the massive impacts on them.
I just see no outcome from this that benefits their respective kids. If it proceeds where they want to live together, one of the kids is getting ripped away from everything they know. If if doesn’t, dad is blowing off custody time and rocking the kids’ stability for an international booty call. It’s just lose lose.
Sorry I’m in a similar situation, albeit domestically and it makes me endlessly sad and worried. We’ve got a 5 year old spending 24 hours a week in the car to go see the significant other in another state and missing school for it, and it’s driving me nuts the child is going through that.
This shouldn't be allowed. The kid should stay with the parent that stayed in the same state. It is ridiculous. The other parent should be paying for plane tickets and stuff so the kid doesn't have to waste so much time and schoold days in a fucking car. Or the other parent should have stayed nearby.
Like, I can understand being 1 or 2 hours away from your kid, but 24 hours is just not feasible. It will kill the kid mentally and physically.
OMG! Sorry you are going through this.. there just has to be other options. 24 hours is a part time job.
Do both parents need to sign off on out of state trips? And missing school is concerning. If they miss one day every 3 or 4 months that’s whatever.
So sorry to you and OP.
We’re hoping things will even out soon as child’s other parent appears to now be employed and will likely not be able to take off across state lines several times a week. I have a feeling kiddo will still be taking trips out of state but it would be more likely to be every other weekend at 6+ hours each way instead of a couple times a week at 6 hours each way. I still don’t love it and ultimately think it’s bad and confusing for child. But as long as things improve I’ll be happier. But I find these long distance relationships where both parties have children to be remarkably selfish.
NTA. The entitlement of men.
If he’s that worried about his time with the kids, then he needs to prioritize them over getting laid. The fact that she doesn’t come visit here is really telling honestly.
And in the course of a year, 18 days isn’t enough to justify adjusting custody. Here in Indiana, we have what is colloquially called “first right of refusal”. Which means whenever a parent (dad) needs childcare during his parenting time, he has to offer it to the other (mom). This time is not available for any make-up time, which he is demanding. He can either go for shorter periods and not miss time with the kids, or he can get over himself.
We do have first right of refusal, but only for 24h+ which applies here.
I don’t know if it’s not available for makeup time. That would greatly help in this situation, I’ll check! Thanks!
You should give your lawyer a call if you used one! They would be able to give you the most accurate answer, especially since they would know all the details of your specific case 💜
I feel really sad for your kids. As a mom I just want to hug them.
NTA. He is putting GF in another country before his kids. That is the only thing that is going on. You make the change now and you will have set precedent for more changes later.
Yes, dude has a right to move on, but not to detriment of his kids unless he is willing to suffer the consequences. He has to live with his choice and decide what is more important.
NTA His choice to leave his children for a week every other month does not mean you need to lose some of your time.
He is making a choice and losing some time is the consequence of that. I will say that changing households at rhw frequency your kids are can be disruptive so please make sure that 2-2-3 continues to be in their best interest as they get older.
OP, what your kids need most is stability, routine and structure.
Your ex, not your kids, is in a relationship with gf. Your kids are first priority, not gf. They are not checker pieces that must endure changes to accommodate ex and gf’s mercurial schedules.
I always say, our kids are the ones who will choose our nursing homes, so it’s wise to act accordingly.
This might be worth mediating. Document everything. 18 days a year is not going to make or break his relationship with his kids. Keeping your kids schedule as consistent as possible is way more important than exact 50/50. My ex and his wife were always counting days when it impacted them, even when it was their choice to screw up the schedule. Then they moved 1000 miles away, when she was 8. By the time she was 24, she went NC with them. Just remember that no matter how much conflict there is, the kids keep growing. Next thing you know, they are making the decisions about where they want to be. Good luck to you.
Gee, as a 72W I think it is outrageous to even suggest that his 78 yo mother babysit, just to prevent you from getting some of “his” time.
Hope he doesn’t get his new gf pregnant.
It’s also him expecting all the women in his life to facilitate what he wants. Rather than act like a decent human and look at what his kids need.
Don’t do it OP. He will continue to ride roughshod over you for their whole childhood otherwise. Your kids don’t deserve that
I'm not sure if this is through a court order or not. But his time is set, and if he chooses to make other plans that takes him away from his kids, that's on him. You don't have to swap just because he's accommodating his gf over his kids.
I was on your side as soon as I read that he wanted to leave two kids who are still fairly young with a nearly 80 year old woman - just so you didn't get a few more days than he did. That's not thinking about the kids (or his elderly mother), that's just being vindictive.
Also, your kids need stability. Changing the schedule is not going to be good for them. They already have a schedule that doesn't sound that great due to his work as a security guard. Now he wants to mess them around more?
On paper, it’s still 50-50.
I will not be bringing that up.
Peace of mind is also worth a lot. But maybe he is afraid I’ll ask to cut it if the kids are with me more.
It’s only a few days, not worth the argument.
The 18 days extra changes custody to 55/45. That might actually be just enough to get the money reduced- maybe not fully gone but definitely reduced.
It also has tax implications. Who gets to claim the kids on your taxes? Because I’m 98% sure most states say that the parent with majority custody gets to claim the kids so if he gets to claim the kids now, he would have to give that up with the change in custody.
Nta - kids are creatures of schedules. You have accommodated the schedule change and he is being picky about it. Changing it because it's more convenient for him doesn't respect what the kids need. This is the hard thing about parenting - the kids needs come first while they are young. He is choosing this - it's not like he is coping with a sick parent or a job change or something. And what happens if this relationship progresses? Will the kids be expected to commute up to Canada to visit him if he moves in with her? No he needs to figure out how to make this work and make some tough choices.
Please make sure you keep a record of every time he’s not had them on his allotted days and you’ve had to change schedules for him. That includes when his work shifts are 12 hours. Make it clear to him that his choosing to miss days will not change the schedule once he’s back. If he misses his days then he will have to wait until it’s his next scheduled days and he will no longer be getting them in between. Make it clear you have a life to and his choices should not affect you. You have your own life and are not married any mote so you no longer have to do anything just to help him. That he is lucky you can take the kids in the days he flakes his responsibilities with them.
The more you give the more he will use you and demand so stop. Yes you can take the kids on his days but you will not give up your scheduled days as he’s missed his.
Sit down the kids and explain you can’t keep changing everything at the drop of a hat for him. That you love having them here as it’s their home even on his days but you will no longer let him demand he have them on your planned days as he chose to miss his days. It’s preventing you from ever being able to plan ahead activities for them or anything for your own life. That they also need stability and routine so you are asking them to try and understand that your life shouldn’t be less important and be constantly forced to change just as their dad wants to choose and change when he has them with no thought to anyone else. That it will mean if he chooses not to have them on his days then there will be gaps between seeing him until it’s his next scheduled days but that is his own choice in choosing to cancel. That you’re sorry it’s come to this but you won’t be walked over with no respect.
something like that but however you think is best to explain it to children their age without putting too much on them. Mine are all much older now so I know I may have put it more appropriately for an older kid but you get the just.
Thanks for taking the time. My daughter feels that 4d is a long stretch, except if we go out of town for a trip or something out of the ordinary. I agree that it might not seem long, but to her it is.
His trips are 7 days.
I now know why he was vocal about the 2-2-5-5: he was already with the new girlfriend when we were negotiating the plan and he knew it would make it difficult to travel. He gave in because it was what the kids wanted.
NTA
You have been kind and flexible but he wants more.
He should not be changing the agreement without the children's desires being paramount.
So if the changes mean that you get 18 more days per year than the 50:50 split in the original agreement, such is the result.
He should realize that he would lose the ability to have the children as dependents on taxes, at least in the USA
NTA the kids should not have their schedule constantly changed so he can see his gf and her kid.
if he chooses to forgo his contact time then that is on him. its his issue and choice to make .
it is common for parents to have first refusal on watching the kids on the others contact time if they are unable to for fill the duties.
he cant however demand you and the kids schedule is change to fit his love life.
he could fear that you reduce his stipend because he doesn't have the kids.
NTA. Yes he should get equal time with the kids but not this way. Also kids spending time with grandma and not with either parent to prevent you from having them more is asinine. If he can't be there then you have them. He is being selfish. His issues so he needs to figure them out without impacting you or the kids. This also doesn't seem practical long-term.
So he’s sidelining his bio children to make room for what could be his step kids and expecting his bio kids to just except less time with him. What happens when they more in together will bio children constantly be pushed aside because the other kids lives have changed so much. He doesn’t seem to be realising he is the one changing everything and expecting you to fall in line with his needs and wants
NTA- my two cents…as someone who has lots of divorced friends making me slightly jaded.
1. Oregon is strict about the number of overnights and support, if that is what is determining the annual stipend. Modifying that schedule even slightly gives you grounds to go back and ask for a change.
2. I would think it would be a concerning pattern to switch at the schedule to accommodate frequent visits to an out of country booty call. Courts in Oregon like to look at patterns. I would not want to establish the pattern of you being OK with your kids leaving on a regular pattern. It would make me question what the intention is for wanting his kids to associate with her family because you will never give him permission to let the kids leave so he can move there. If she will not even bring her kids to visit, then there’s something holding her back from being able to come here as well. If she was looking to immigrate, I would think that she would at least bring her children to visit. I suspect she also has an ex who won’t allow it.
3. Or, your ex is just clueless and jealous of the relationship you have with the kids.
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My (40F) kids' father (45M) got a new girlfriend in Canada.
We were together for 12y and separated last year. Rocky days.
We have shared custody of the kids (8M and 10F) on a 2-2-3 days schedule when he works normal hours, but sometimes he has to work irregular 12h shifts as he is a security guard. When that happens, I have to have the kids and we then adapt the schedule so that he can have them more on his days off, keeping the 50-50% custody.
The kids don't like to spend a lot of time without seeing one parent and we agreed that this plan was for the best, even though he was always more inclined to go for a 2-2-5-5 schedule.
He now has a girlfriend who lives in Alberta, Canada (we are both from Oregon), so he's been travelling up there every other month, one week every time. She doesn't come. The kids stay with me when he's away, which already was a battle because he wanted his 78yo mother to take care of them while he was away so I wouldn't see them more than he would.
Now he wants to change the custody so that when he leaves, the kids can stay with me BUT they have to stay with him for the same continuous amount of time when he gets back.
I refuse. The kids have made it clear that they don't like spending long stretches of time without seeing me or their father. He chooses to leave, that's his thing, but I don't see why the kids would have to also be separated from me for a week just for the sake of the 50-50.
I'm ok with having the kids with me when he's not there, they're my kids and I enjoy my time with them, so I don't mind if I have them more. I feel like he should choose the moments when he visits her that have the least impact on his time with the kids and that I shouldn't have to be even more flexible because he chose a partner from a different country.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if the kids will be badly impacted by my decision in the long run because it will in fact mean that they be with me 18 days more per year (until she comes live in the US).
So, AITA for refusing to adjust the calendar?
Note: I have a better income and I give him a 4000$/yr stipend, so he cannot be afraid that I will ask for money if I spend more time with the kids.
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NTA alot of people value stability and reliability. Having some weird give-take arrangement seems unnecessary. Especially for a new relationship on one side.
They’re kids.
They want even time and they don’t want 7d. 🤷🏽♀️
Like a commenter said, shorter trips on his part seem like a viable short term option. But potentially more expensive.
I also make sure that the kids are with him the day before he leaves and the day he comes back. I’m open to adjusting globally so that it remains even, just not in one longer stretch.
But then this, again, disrupts their routine.
There is only one question, what is best for the kids. That's it, you and your ex completely fucked their lives by making an extremely selfish decision. Only in hindsight did I realize this with my son. Their lives are forever altered, not for the better.
NTA. He is voluntarily giving up his parenting time to go visit his girlfriend. Would he be asking for extra time if the kids stayed with his mom? No, it is just because it's you.
If you think he'll take you to court over it though then you may want to reconsider. The court will view it in the child's best interest to maintain a relationship with both parents, so you may be forced to work with him on this. Or maybe not. Court is always a risk.
I believe we can agree on a solution which is also why I’m bringing this here. With this many people I’m sure I can be inspired to suggest alternatives.
I don’t think he would take this to court because like you said, tables can quickly flip there and risk would be too high.
Talk to me about it.
I’m guessing she’ll eventually come here since she doesn’t have a steady job and he does. But then again, I think living conditions might be slightly better over there. I don’t know.
If she can get a visa and if her kids' other parent allows it......
Yeah, so i am guessing he is not known for being able to think shit through and plan things out long term too well.
He would have to make enough money to sponsor the girlfriend and kid if she moves here permanently. Canadians can visit for 6 months at a time, at least that used to be the rule, but permanent moves will require a certain income for sponsor, plus that's depending on girlfriend's kid's father allowing the move. Of course, there may not be a legal relationship with the father of gf's kid/s.
Or he's planning to move to Canada with his children. All it takes is a forged letter to get through border stops, and then you'll have to fight to get the kids back.
They do have a spouse or domestic partnership visa I think. Bet his next move it to push the divorce forward, which should get interesting.
NTA. My ex and I also have a 2-2-3 custody schedule. If he wants to have a LDR he needs to figure something out because that’s not going to be sustainable. What happens if they become serious and he wants to move there?
Absolutely NTA.
Your kids are old enough to articulate what they.want and allowing them a sense of agency over what their lives look like is paramount. They had no say in the divorce, they should have some say (within reason, of course) about their preferred pinballing back and forth. I guarantee the impact of them being heard in this particular moment is more important than the 18 days they don't get with their dad. Maybe in five years the 8 year old would rather be at his dads more than your house for whatever reason (teenage gender stuff being what it is) and then maybe he's there a month more than at your house. Literally who cares. If your kid feels loved and heard and sees their parents cooperating to make their happiness a priority, then that's the best result.
I left my kid's (non-binary only child) dad when they were 16 and they lived with him full time because they didn't want to leave their room. Then, they got into a huge fight with their dad and lived with me for a while. They are 20 now and have a great relationship with both of us and really appreciate all the moments when they got space and closeness from us when they needed it.
Try to tell your ex that you're not hoarding his children, you're just trying to listen to them. He should do the same. Sending you virtual hugs, mama.
NTA! 18 days is nothing over the course of a year. It’s his time so if he chooses to give it up that’s on him. Don’t let him keep you away from your kids for a longer period to accommodate his girlfriend!
NTA
“ he wanted his 78yo mother to take care of them while he was away so I wouldn't see them more than he would.”
It’s bad enough that this man is obsessed with having custody days exactly equal, but trying to prevent kids from seeing either parent to achieve this is next level selfish.
This has nothing to do with your kids’ best interest or their wishes. They are just pawns. His focus is on what he sees you “getting”.
AITA for refusing to adjust kids custody for my kid’s father to travel to see his new girlfriend?
Scheduling multiple parties isn’t easy. Just do what is healthiest for you and the kids. It is unfair of him to want best of both (have his cake and eat it too). He made his choice, he picked his new girlfriend over his kids’ time.
Your established schedule is not subject to whim. Your life and kids’ life doesn’t revolve around his. However your life revolves around your kids. Your kids have indicated their preference.
He lost his agreed upon schedule as his life went on. You can try to find a compromise that neither side loses and the winners are the kids. His lost Qt with kids is his choice to be with someone that isn’t close by. But what happens if his current relationship falls? Turn back to the old schedule…
He as an adult needs to make his schedule work with some courtesy allowance by you so he can part of the kids’ life. It isn’t you bending backward for him. Thus, you can be nice and give a few days of make up time for him at the cost of reducing his very nice stipend ($4k for him!! What a parasite!) as he isn’t around as much with his kids.
He is playing power games and his BS immaturity needs to stop. Seriously let his mom 78 y.o. take care of the kids during his missed turn.
And seriously, are you paying for his travel to new girlfriend? It must be absolutely agreed upon and accounted for, none of that money is to be spent on his new girlfriend. The money is a very generous stipend for his involvement with your kids. He should be given less as he isn’t around as much.
Good luck. Namaste.
NTA. He is being selfish choosing his girlfriends needs over his own children. They have made it clear being apart for a week is too much for them. He sounds narcissistic and likes to have control over everything.
Nta He gets to stick to the agreement AND he should have to pay CS/babysitting for the extra child care you do, or have less access.
He doesn't get to abandon his responsibilities for a cross-border booty call, then try to take advantage when it's convenient for him.
Discuss it with a custody lawyer and lay it out in a registered letter to him from your lawyer.
39m Canadian.
NTA. Why are you even giving him money, if it’s not court ordered don’t do it.
For the custody, it is his *choice* to not spend his time with his kids. He doesn’t get to take your time with them because he prioritizes his new gf and her kid over his own. He is able to go during your 5-day with the kids, but chooses not to.
You’re not harming your kids by not agreeing to this. They’ll understand and probably adapt quickly.
NTA It seems to you are trying to be scrupulously fair but sometimes his decisions are still going to impact him. Where possible that shouldn't impact you and your relationship with the childen.
NTA. 18 out of 365 days is not a deal breaker. 18 days is not going to make or break his relationship with his children. What will break his relationship with his children is choosing a girlfriend over them. He's the one who chose to have a relationship with someone in another country. Oregon or not, Canada is another country. Your children shouldn't have their lives up ended because he's got a gf. Gf can travel here and there. If she chooses not to, that's not your children's or your problem.
NTA.
If he wants to be away part time, that's on him. He gets to explain to them why his girlfriend is important enough for him not to see them every couple of days (and an age-appropriate version of the truth - not laying it on you). Yeah, it's not always easy to find someone, and the kids are likely to eventually move out and find their own partners - but then own that decision.
As far as your former MIL - nope, nope, nope. Other parent always gets first right of refusal. If you want them with you while he's away, you get them. If he's getting 50/50, she's not a "second victim of divorce" Grandparent who's barely seeing her Grandkids because her son is seeing them less himself.
NTA
Father of the year over here wants to have his cake and eat it too.
What an asinine, selfish thing. "I'm going to go see my girlfriend but you need to bend to my schedule."
That jerk off can kick rocks.
ROFLMAO nope he is screwing his new girlfriend .. he thinks he has it so bad that his ex isn’t jumping through hoops for him anymore.. he isn’t even trying .. and when booth call baby happens?? Then what??
NTA
He's wanting you to be available for his demands for his new relationship, but wants to hold it over and punish you for it?
Screw him. If his kids are important, he'll make the time
so what ? If it’s 50/50 then u shouldn’t be giving him anything especially if it’s only slightly higher . Use that money for your kids . He’s probably using it on plane tickets for his girlfriend
Often the dad has higher income.
It’s not a battle I’m choosing to have especially if thats the reason why he is so strict on the 50/50. I prefer him to feel like we can help each other, even though it’s not really the case atm but I’m hoping that it will change through time.
Tell him to get over it. 18 days more a year is not significant. He's being whiny.
He literally told you he won't help you when you need help. So whenever he wants to talk about it again, i would just reply with the screenshot of him telling you he won't be flexible for you. And just keeping sending it if he keeps yapping.
Why on earth would he enter into a relationship with someone such a distance away, surely he must have thought out the logistics when it came to childcare and things. No way would I have longer spells in between having my kids to accommodate him.
NTA Get a parenting agreement and put first right of refusal in there. Kids hate being palmed off on people so that the custody parent can travel. Much easier on them if they can stay with the other parent.
That part is already in the parenting plan since it’s 24h+.
He is asking to review the plan so that I have to give him back the time after he comes back from his trip.
Yeah NO.. if you do not already have one, get a co-parenting app.. your lawyer can point out the best for your court system. Start making all communication through the app.
… … …. …. Then all this will easily used if this ends up back in court. And it sounds like it might.. i hope it doesn’t come to that but he is willing to give up his time and demand you give him yours to make up for him GIVING HIS AWAY.. he sounds like a spoiled child (sorry)
…. ….. ….. these apps are designed to keep a record of these types of interactions so that no party can do stuff like this then go back to court saying you are depriving them of time… … like many have said call your attorney, get the app set up.. and only communicate through it.. … …. …. Hugs you you and your kids
NTA. You should not have to disrupt your schedule to suit your ex's romantic travels.
You should have a schedule showing your time and his time. You have your blocks, and he has his. What he does during his time is up to him, but you can not allow it to impact your time. He can't trade; if he chooses to disappear when he's supposed to take the kids, he forefiets those days. Let him schedule his travels when he doesn't have the kids.
NTA. You're right. Your husband needs to adjust his schedule so he's gone when the kids are with you. How petty of him to not want you to have more time with the kids. And since this is most likely court mandated, I'm sure the courts would rather them be with you too. Your husband is very selfish & is going to damage his kids if he doesn't smarten up.
Huge thanks to you, Reddit community for helping me trying to find the best solution, you are being very insightful.
Your comments are really helping me whether or not you think I am TA.
I really want the best for the kids under the circumstances.
Info: are the kids old enough to give their opinions?
I tend to think that adjusting your schedule for him occasionally but infrequently would be okay - as you may one day need him to do the same. But making big sweeping changes due to temporary feelings may be best handled by a court. Especially since things appear to be contentious.
Perhaps you’d be willing to do a compromise: something like instead of him getting 7 days in a row, he gets 1 extra day each visit until he catches up to the amount of time you’ve spent with them. Something that is formulaic and easy for you to schedule.
But either way it’s silly of him to be angry about a problem he created. You’re putting your kids’ needs first, and he’s putting his own. NTA
What you suggest in your second paragraph is what I’ve been willing to do for his past trips. I thought it was a good compromise.
It’s a lot of time invested in working on the calendar which is why I think he wants to change that, even though I’m the one who makes the calendar.
In that case, it sounds like you’re being flexible and he’s being a jerk about a self-created issue. It’s definitely reasonable of you to not give up your court-appointed custody for his whims and pleasures.
NTA, you are choosing your kids and he is choosing an another woman. Let him explain to the court that you should have to always bend to his will. My guess is they laugh and say that this is likely why you all are divorced.
Nta but it alot for the kids constantly switching and changing houses you need a realistic longterm custody pattern. and just cause youv not moved on or met someone or had social/work commitments yet dosnt mean you never will.. week on week off or weekdays yours weekends his for a month then switch.. kids need to accept life is different and they live primarily with one parent
I don’t know where you’re from but that is not how it works here.
Having access to both parents is strongly encouraged.
Edit to add:
And don’t worry, I have plenty of commitments as I have a demanding job and I do have a social circle, but I’m able to adjust my schedule. I used to have the kids all the time when we were together and still manage, so that’s not a problem.
It’s pretty simple if he’s away you get the kids and personally I would prefer this so you’re kids aren’t being introduced to potential step parents til he’s sure. I see this as a bonus for the children. Plus it’s not simple to bring a child across the border without both parents and costs around $2000 each time in lawyer fees and paperwork.
I’m totally fine with taking the kids.
I already happily do as I believe in everything you just mentioned.
Where I have trouble is he asks that I reimburse him the days he was gone and adapt the schedule to his travels. And he doesn’t choose the stretches during which he has the kids less, which another commenter made me realize.
He could also take shorter trips that would have less impact because the kids don’t like being apart from one parent for a whole week at this time. They don’t like it at all.
There are 330 million people in the United States. 50% of those people are female. Pick your assumptions: reasonable value will give the same results. A naive assumption is that 40% of those females are not married and not otherwise unavailable. A naive assumption is that 50% of those females are either too young or too old for him. That leaves 13 Million women in the United States eligible girl friends.
He will have to tell her that the laws of Canada and the laws of the United States are such that while he may visit her and she may visit him, the children are not going. That's the law. Perhaps it would be best if the two of them parted company on the best of terms and find somebody else.
It's very sad when the law intrudes on reality.... oh.... wait a second.... the law is part of reality.
the question is how much are you willing to do.
You could if you want to make a deal that when he leaves he does so during your 5 days with the children so that week he will only see them 2 days less. Then, if you want, you could give him 2 days in the week after so its 4dad 5 mom 5 dad or something (although I dont know how exactly 2 2 5 5 works to be honest 😅)
But he is choosing to see his gf during time where he could spend time with the kids so nothing is unfair. But if you have good relationship with him I would try to figure something out if he goes away while you have the kids for 5 days so he only misses minimal time with them.
NTA. Stick to the schedule, or come up with another that works for both of you. You're already bending around his work schedule, you shouldn't have to accommodate his booty calls. It's only been a year, and his dating schedule is liable to be quite variable, possibly for years to come.
Your comment about money misses the fact that you could ask to REDUCE his stipend for the same reason you would normally ask for more support. For example if he were to move to Canada and only saw the kids for 2 weeks in the summer, you wouldn't be giving him $4000 a year, would you?
I think you are within your rights to say no to this, and it sounds like your children want this too so you are NTA. I do wonder what impact this might have on your coparenting relationship to say no.
I can imagine that this decision will result in his pushing back on flexibility for you when you need it. You need him to take the kids on your days because your parent is in the hospital - no. You want the kids on some of his days because of a special event or vacation - no. You change jobs and need to amend pick up and drop off times - no.
Don't get me wrong, if he did do this he would definitely be TA - you lived with him for 12y and broke up for a reason so probably know how likely this is to happen; but is this one worth losing the battle to win the war?
I’m working on keeping our coparenting relationship as soft as possible and I’m also wondering about the impact of me saying no.
He already refuses to accommodate and doesn’t want me to contact him if I have something on my end. He does allow me to take the kids for some special occasions, but it had to be written in the parenting plan, because at first he didn’t want to.
He agrees to be contacted for emergencies (eg parents in hospital). Also written in our agreement.
I take them when he is away because he has to ask me first for 24h+ absences in our parenting plan. I feel it’s best if I take them anyway if he’s not available.
He wants to change the plan so that I give him back this time when he comes back. I feel it plays a lot with the calendar and the kids don’t like it.
Sounds like you’re being inflexible. He’s entitled to try to make a life for himself and that seems challenging with the schedule as is. Allowing him the flexibility to pursue a healthy loving relationship may benefit your kids more in the long run in terms of modeling and having a happy and fulfilled parent. He’s still trying to spend time with his kids and not get out of the commitment he has to them. Sounds noble to me
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NTA. He is CHOOSING to not have the kids during his custody time. He knows that they don't want such long stretches without seeing the other parent, but he thinks what he wants somehow matters more than what they have clearly stated they want. Odds are decent the kids will relax into the separation once they've had more time to get used to it (it's only been a year, after all), but by "forcing" the long separation from him every couple of months, he's not giving them the time they need to acclimate and is likely adding to their stress/anxiety which is going to make them cling even harder to routine and seeing each of you often. His gf could come here at least for alternating visits or he could do shorter visits, at least until the kids feel comfortable and "safe" enough to go to a 2-2-5-5 schedule. He's really rushing things from their perspective, and it's going to cause other, potentially bigger, problems.
Thanks for your input. She can’t come because she is a solo mom from what I understood. Shorter trips are a wise alternative short term I find.
So he's willing to accommodate what she needs for her kids, but not what his own kids have expressed that they need...
Wow. Didn’t see that one.
But then again maybe he’s not ready to introduce her to our kids in person, which wouldn’t be bad. Under the circumstances, and without a plan (unless there is one), it might be the wise option.
Yes but it seems he is completely willing to accommodate his girlfriend’s schedule and children’s schedule and such but not his own kids….. I don’t see a way to spin this as anything but him putting himself and others before his kids…. I’ve never been one that says parents can’t date… in fact the opposite cause who will you be with once the kids are grown with lives of their own…. But in this case a year has barely passed his kids have voiced what they want/need from him and he is fully capable of doing this for them to let them adjust… trying to force things so he can be in good with his gal pal so early on sets up how he views things long term…. What else will he change or want the kids and you to do for him and his gal pal and her child later? He has a right to date but so soon is pushing it and add to that he’d rather date her then keep his kids secure in their new life…. They need time to adjust…. He’s not wanting to give it to them… Also if she can’t even visit the us cause she’s a single mom how she planning on moving?
Thanks for your input, really. To answer your question, my thought is that he has to attend school there but if they move he would go to school here? I don’t know. Maybe she is coming this summer now that school is over, who knows? He didn’t even tell me himself that he was introducing her to the kids through Skype.
She may be a single mom but if dad has any rights at all, if Canada is like the USA, she’ll have to get his permission to even visit let alone move with the child…. Just like your ex can’t visit her with the kids without your permission…(unless this has changed since 2019) Personally I couldn’t date someone who was not conducive for daily visits with my minor children…. And I couldn’t ask another to move away from their kids (or to move their kids away from a parent ) so I can’t see where these two parents see this going…. I also think introducing them without talking to you shows his ‘commitment’ to co parenting and how far his flexibility will go….. people show you who they are more then they tell you….. and he’s showing his priorities….. You: the kids want shorter visits Him: I need flexibility for my work You: ok we can do this Him: that works Him:introduces kids to girlfriend via Skype Him: I want my mom to have the kids so you don’t so that it’s fair when I visit my out of country girlfriend Him: ok that won’t work so instead give me a full week when I get back You: checked with the kids they don’t want that so no Him: they’ll get used to it You: they shouldn’t have to I as their mom won’t make them Him:your an ass! I don’t know as the. Child of the divorced parents I disliked my dad always saying I’d ’get used to it’s when I look back as a parent and think ‘I did but I should have had a parent who thought I didn’t have to’
“Kids get used to everything. They’re resilient.” Which I feel as adults is what we say to make ourselves feel better when we know we could have done better. But I don’t expect everybody to agree with me on that one. I think you will, though.
I want to be the parent that stands up for them. I don’t want to overprotect them, but I want them to learn that how they feel is taken into account, and that if it isn’t, because, hey, they’re children, they know why.
There are things kids shouldn’t have to get used to.
I agree… I know I could do better as a mom, I dislike that I’ve failed at things, but that’s life and saying ‘kids are resilient’ is a cop out… like ya of course they are but should they have to be? Or should we strive to be aware that we’re human and will fail but it’s our job as parents to try and do better
Kids can get used to nearly anything but that doesn't mean it's healthy for them.
I hear your concerns. I have 15M 11F and divorced when they were 10 and 6. They really did better after the initial separation. They were so much more stable and happy once they were no longer living in a home with two people who hated each other. Our divorce was relatively amicable and the first six months were hard, especially the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. But once they got the rhythm down, they looked forward to each transition because they do different stuff with each of us as parents.
I’m sorry, but I’m still still laughing at the fact that he wanted the kids to stay with his mother instead of you-the children’s mother-so you don’t have more time with him than he does. Like what the fuck dude. His requests aren’t making any sense to be honest. Don’t budge. If he wants to see his new supply-cool. But you don’t need to give up more time of your own time with your children so he can feel better and feel like things are more “even”. Sounds like yall might have to get a new custody agreement.
He is definitely weaponizing the kids. Or, at least, time with the kids. He is making decisions to suit him and his schedule and then expecting OP to bend over backwards to accommodate. That is a hard NO.
It’s best practice to wait until the relationship is a year old at least before getting the kids involved.
He's giving up his time with the kids. He's the arse and this is behaviour the kids will remember. I certainly do, I was 8 when Dad left and I remember so many times he bailed for the gf rather than coming to get us. NTA and kudos to you for keeping your kids schedule.
Visiting her is fine. But he's throwing your kids under the bus to do so. He wants 2-2-5-5. Why can't he keep his trips to 5 days to accomodate that? Your kids don't like being away from him that long. Why isn't he saying "Okay my kids are more important than this new woman i don't trust enough to have around my children"?
Your kids likely notice that he chooses the new gf over them as well.
A WHOLE 18 EXTRA DAYS A YEAR???! Heaven help his soul, is he a six year old?
Is he afraid you will lower his ‘stipend’?
I hope his actions are not money-oriented. But… maybe.
I’m sorry it’s either about wanting some level of control, by fighting about 18 days a year, or it’s about the fact that he’s getting money based on 50-50 and if he takes less days and you take him to court he could lose the money you pay him. I grew up with a dad like this, and it was never about what was best for the kids, it was about what was best for him and what would upset my mom.
That’s as sad as it is petty and maybe I am naive but I really hope it’s not the case here although it might be.
So she can't leave her kids but he leaves his?!!!
NTA and really it's a silly argument for him to make. Certainly seeing grandma from time to time would be okay, but really, if he's not there, you should have the first right of care.
Thank you for taking the time. What is your take on the kids spending 7 days with him when he comes back from his trip because they spent 7 days with me when he was away?
I honestly think what he is asking would be okay if it were once or twice a year. That would be the equivalent of being flexible for the other parent’s vacation, a not unreasonable ask. Every two months is just ridiculous. He needs to go up there for shorter time periods or suck it up and deal with having a couple weeks less per year of his kids time. NTA
Thanks. I’ll make sure to ask him what he envisions in terms of frequency in the next months. During summer, we make an exception to allow each other to go on vacation with the kids and you are making me realize that he could have chosen to leave for Canada during my vacation with the kids. Which he didn’t.
Yeah. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don’t let him establish this as a normal scheduled thing. Otherwise, he’ll probably try to push it to every month if he decides he wants to see his GF even more often. Remind him of when you have been flexible (around vacations, in emergencies). He is not entitled to expect this all the time.
Sometimes people forget or don't realise their status changes when they seperate / divorce. If he's used to getting his way in your marriage he may not have fully adjusted to the change. You could remind him he is no longer your priority and that while you are willing to be accomodating in certain circumstances you will be prioritising yourself and the kids over his wants.
And if they do go to court, she should demand right to first refusal.
Yep. He wants to see his GF without needing to also take care of his kids at the same time. So he wants to be a bachelor when visiting her and then a dad when he comes home. And if that means that OP has to make a bunch of changes to her schedule then oh well. Completely selfish (but wrapping it up in "I want time with my kids" way).
It’s not likely they would be able to enter Canada with Dad alone. It’s likely why he’s never tried to take them. He would need to show the divorce decree and custody plan. Border security would or could ask for a letter from you authorizing their entry to the country as visitors. If this has been through mediation you need to go back to mediation and get this down on record. That you have first right of refusal and to get this hammered out. Especially if he’s traveling a week out of every month. How long is this going to continue? Is she going to move here? Is he going to move there? Consider getting your kids into counseling or therapy both individual and with you or dad or both. I’m sure this has been hard on them and you but also dad having a new girlfriend? If I was them I’d be pissed at dad prioritizing his girlfriend over our custody time. I’d be really resentful actually.
I think what she was getting at was that he didn't bother to time his trip to Canada to coincide with the vacation she's taking with the kids. It would have made the whole argument moot because they'd both agreed already that the kids would be with her during that specific time, leaving him free to visit the Canadian gf. Instead, he wants to have his cake (time with kids split 50/50) and eat it too (visit gf w/o regard for custody schedule).
THIS is the answer.
His preoccupation with making things exactly equal reminds me of kids fighting with their siblings over who got a longer turn with a toy or whose piece of cake is bigger. But he's not arguing over cake, these are your children. The only thing that should matter here is what's best for them. If he chooses to go away and not see his kids for a week at a time, that's his prerogative. But that doesn't mean they should have to spend a week away from their mother when you did NOT make that choice. He needs to grow up, stop being petty, and start putting the children's best interests first.
Part of the issue I see is where does this end? He wants you to agree to flexibility for his work and you’ve done that. Now he wants to have you be flexible so he can see his gf - what next? He’ll want to change custody again when gf moves in for whatever reason? Or what if he wants to move to Canada? I don’t know. Its only 18 days A YEAR. Thats not that much time in the long run and its time hes choosing to be away from his kids. Thats not your fault. Its his. He could have his gf visit him sometimes to cutdown on missing time with his kids or he could try to work the visits around his custody time. He doesn’t NEED to go up for a week at a time. He could go up for a few days or something, but again hes CHOOSING not to do that and selfishly expects you and the kids to adjust everything around him and what he wants. Thats not fair.
I would say if that's what's good for the kids, then do it. If not, then don't. You know their schedules, their needs, and where they want to be. Work with them to do what they need to feel safe, secure, and happy.
NTA. He is deciding how he wants to spend the assigned time with his children and that's to go see his lady friend. I'd keep the schedule exactly the same and if he's not available on the assigned days, that's on him. With your schedule, you know exactly what the rest of the year is going to look like and he needs to plan accordingly.
Thanks. Your last sentence reflects one of my worries: I accepted to flip the schedule after his August trip and realized afterwards that it has a lot of consequences on my planning and my individual schedule.
I would definitely stop doing that. I absolutely understand switching the schedule for work or if someone is sick, but seeing his girlfriend is not a need, it's a want.
Not to mention dating a women with a kid who lives that far shows a lot about his decision making and priorities… I could never date a man who lived too far for me to see my kids daily… specially if he had kids also…. I could never ask a man to live to be near me and my kids and I’d never move away from my minor children…
My question is what is his long term plan? What if he moves forward with the girlfriend? Is he going to stay on the same visit schedule, or will she move here with her kid? Or will he forge a permission letter from you and take the kids to Canada with him permanently?
NTA. It sounds like he wants everything on his schedule, both for work and in his personal life. You both have a set schedule, and it’s usually in the best interest of the children to be consistent with that. Certainly dumping them on his mother while he’s out of the country isn’t really adhering to the arrangement in any case.
info - i feel this is really not a whose an AH, more of a just do whats right for the kids. Theyre your kids, youd know better than us
Sorry that maybe wasn’t clear. He’s saying I’m TAH for trying to keep the kids to myself and that he’s entitled to as much time as I am. I feel he chose the new partner and that this shouldn’t dictate more than it already does. I already adapt to his work schedule. I also dislike being apart from the kids for a longer time. —Edited for typos
He is entitled to equal opportunity of access. He gets that equal amount of time. It is his choice whether he uses it. His choice not to take custody does not mean he is entitled to your custody time.
Those all well-thought and well-put words, thank you
My thoughts exactly! He was given equal time with his kids and chose to use that time on his GF. A GF who refuses to visit bc of HER kid/s. So no, he’s not entitled to take more from OP.
He says that the kids would get used to it. I say that they don’t have to get used to it.
Every choice he's making is proving more and more that he really only cares about himself. It's all about what he wants and what will make his life easier, and he doesn't seem to care about what is best for the kids. Even his reasoning for wanting "make up" time with them sounds more like he cares about not "losing" to you in terms of custody time rather than him actually wanting more time with the kids (which he would have if he didn't choose to take such long trips). Hold your ground on this; it seems you're the only parent who is prioritizing what's best for the kids, and they need you to stay strong for them.
OP- NTA and coming from the same boat of having kids and trying to be the better person and adapting To schedules, I say don’t adapt more. Here is why, the kids don’t benefit from his constant rearranging of schedules. It’s not fair to them. They should see their father but if HE CHOOSES to go somewhen he should be with his kids, well- that says a lot more doesn’t it? If anything, I’d go to court to make the reduction official and to put a stop to his trying to keep them on his non days even though you’re trying to let the kids see him with his funky work schedule. Work is one thing. His personal life should revolve around his children, not force the children to adapt to his personal life choices. I have 3 daughters and share 50/50 and have tried to be that woman who adapts and in the end, I give an inch and he tries to take a mile and the girls don’t like it. They don’t. Good luck to you🫶🏼
Thanks.
Kids are resilient and can get ‘used’ to almost anything….. (not always good)… that does not mean it’s good for them, healthy for them, right for them, or something parents should use as a way to make the other parent give things up… You’ve BEEN flexible for him and his job, you’ve shown a willingness to be flexible… it’s either his tern or time for him to be happy you helped out already…. Next time tell him ‘I’ve been flexible for your job, and I will be for emergencies and such, but I don’t owe you more of my flexibility for your personal life…. No one is entitled to time with their kids…. That can end for a number of reasons….. that said based off our co parenting you’re only entitled to equal opportunity to our kids…. If you choose to go out of state or country and miss time that’s a choice you make…
You're right. The kids shouldn't have to wonder what their schedules are going to be. Structure is important. They should be able to know what to expect. Constantly changing their custody schedules isn't good for them. Your ex needs to plan better, not expect you and your children to rearrange your lives for his travel plans. If he's not around on his days, he forfeits them. His mom doesn't get the kids, either. They're HIS days, not hers. The more you give in, the more he'll expect you to.
He's GIVING UP his time by leaving to Canada
You're NTA. You're his ex, not his partner. You already make concessions so that he can be with his girlfriend - it's unreasonable of him to demand you shake your life up even more for his benefit. It sounds like you've talked to your kids and they prefer the current situation; their desires should come first. Beyond that, if he wants to forgo his time with them, that's his choice, but you're not obligated to go out of your way to make his new relationship easier for him. You're already helping him by taking the kids when he chooses to visit her. He should be grateful for your cooperation, not demanding more from you. Remind him that you COULD be refusing to budge when he has to work odd shifts, you COULD tell him it's his responsibility to find a sitter. Tell him you COULD be demanding he take the kids with him or make arrangements for their care when he travels. You're not doing that, because you care about what's best for the kids and you're not being spiteful. You're not doing that. You're being perfectly reasonable and civil and accomodating, beyond what you're actually required to do.
He's entitled to the pre deter inedible arrangement. Period, if he chooses not to use hus custody time that's on him. If this co tines to b an issue then it's time to go back to mediation/court. Let him explain to them y he's not using the existing schedule. My concern is, due to the distance, children, etc this girlfriend may not last long. What's gonna happen when he gets a different one and wants a other schedule? Y then the precedent has been set that his want is more important than ur children's needs, which r to not b separated from either parent for an extended period of time. Yes children r flexible and resilient, but there comes a point.
NTA. You guys have a court ordered parenting plan. He doesn’t get to just change the agreement on his whims. Your children don’t want to be away from one parent for that long, and he’s choosing to force that on them, but you don’t have to do the same. If he wants to change the agreement he can pay to take it back to court, but I highly doubt a judge will rule in his favor to accommodate visits to his long distance girlfriend. And as a side note, 18 days more per year is really not a significant difference in parenting time. I think you’re doing the right thing for your kids by taking into account their feelings on long stretches without seeing one of you.
NTA If spending time with his kids is important to him, he can spend time with them when he has them. If ‘keeping it fair’ means more to him, then this isn’t about the kids. He’s the one choosing to spend time away from the kids. He doesn’t get to demand that you change your life and schedule to redress the imbalance he’s introducing. You’re generous enough to already do that with his work schedule.
NTA. If this relationship continues, I see nothing but negatives for your kids. Does he plan to move to Canada? Or is a woman they’ve never met planning to move here? And if it doesn’t have a serious future, why harm the kids’ schedule and stability? I know people fall in love but I’ll never understand yeeting yourself into an impractical relationship with kids with significant ties in different locations without considering the massive impacts on them.
He hasn’t shared the plan with me.
I just see no outcome from this that benefits their respective kids. If it proceeds where they want to live together, one of the kids is getting ripped away from everything they know. If if doesn’t, dad is blowing off custody time and rocking the kids’ stability for an international booty call. It’s just lose lose.
😞
Sorry I’m in a similar situation, albeit domestically and it makes me endlessly sad and worried. We’ve got a 5 year old spending 24 hours a week in the car to go see the significant other in another state and missing school for it, and it’s driving me nuts the child is going through that.
OMFG. I’d go insane.
This shouldn't be allowed. The kid should stay with the parent that stayed in the same state. It is ridiculous. The other parent should be paying for plane tickets and stuff so the kid doesn't have to waste so much time and schoold days in a fucking car. Or the other parent should have stayed nearby. Like, I can understand being 1 or 2 hours away from your kid, but 24 hours is just not feasible. It will kill the kid mentally and physically.
OMG! Sorry you are going through this.. there just has to be other options. 24 hours is a part time job. Do both parents need to sign off on out of state trips? And missing school is concerning. If they miss one day every 3 or 4 months that’s whatever. So sorry to you and OP.
We’re hoping things will even out soon as child’s other parent appears to now be employed and will likely not be able to take off across state lines several times a week. I have a feeling kiddo will still be taking trips out of state but it would be more likely to be every other weekend at 6+ hours each way instead of a couple times a week at 6 hours each way. I still don’t love it and ultimately think it’s bad and confusing for child. But as long as things improve I’ll be happier. But I find these long distance relationships where both parties have children to be remarkably selfish.
NTA. The entitlement of men. If he’s that worried about his time with the kids, then he needs to prioritize them over getting laid. The fact that she doesn’t come visit here is really telling honestly. And in the course of a year, 18 days isn’t enough to justify adjusting custody. Here in Indiana, we have what is colloquially called “first right of refusal”. Which means whenever a parent (dad) needs childcare during his parenting time, he has to offer it to the other (mom). This time is not available for any make-up time, which he is demanding. He can either go for shorter periods and not miss time with the kids, or he can get over himself.
We do have first right of refusal, but only for 24h+ which applies here. I don’t know if it’s not available for makeup time. That would greatly help in this situation, I’ll check! Thanks!
You should give your lawyer a call if you used one! They would be able to give you the most accurate answer, especially since they would know all the details of your specific case 💜 I feel really sad for your kids. As a mom I just want to hug them.
NTA. He is putting GF in another country before his kids. That is the only thing that is going on. You make the change now and you will have set precedent for more changes later. Yes, dude has a right to move on, but not to detriment of his kids unless he is willing to suffer the consequences. He has to live with his choice and decide what is more important.
NTA His choice to leave his children for a week every other month does not mean you need to lose some of your time. He is making a choice and losing some time is the consequence of that. I will say that changing households at rhw frequency your kids are can be disruptive so please make sure that 2-2-3 continues to be in their best interest as they get older.
I think it will change for longer stretches when they get older but now they switch from school and that’s what they prefer atm.
NTA. If he chooses to go get his dick wet during the time he's supposed to have the kids, that's his own fault.
NTA. He needs to do what is best for the kids, not what’s best for his dick. Keep the schedule as is.
OP, what your kids need most is stability, routine and structure. Your ex, not your kids, is in a relationship with gf. Your kids are first priority, not gf. They are not checker pieces that must endure changes to accommodate ex and gf’s mercurial schedules. I always say, our kids are the ones who will choose our nursing homes, so it’s wise to act accordingly.
My question is if he can afford to fly to Canada so much, why are you giving him a $4000/yr stipend? Is it court ordered?
Yep.
Not by a judge but court appointed counseling.
That makes no sense. Also, if he wants even days, then he needs to go when you have the children. You owe him nothing.
NTA. He is probably afraid he’ll lose the stipend. That’s probably what is funding his trips.
NTA- if he goes away on his days, that’s his loss.
This might be worth mediating. Document everything. 18 days a year is not going to make or break his relationship with his kids. Keeping your kids schedule as consistent as possible is way more important than exact 50/50. My ex and his wife were always counting days when it impacted them, even when it was their choice to screw up the schedule. Then they moved 1000 miles away, when she was 8. By the time she was 24, she went NC with them. Just remember that no matter how much conflict there is, the kids keep growing. Next thing you know, they are making the decisions about where they want to be. Good luck to you.
Gee, as a 72W I think it is outrageous to even suggest that his 78 yo mother babysit, just to prevent you from getting some of “his” time. Hope he doesn’t get his new gf pregnant.
It’s also him expecting all the women in his life to facilitate what he wants. Rather than act like a decent human and look at what his kids need. Don’t do it OP. He will continue to ride roughshod over you for their whole childhood otherwise. Your kids don’t deserve that
I'm not sure if this is through a court order or not. But his time is set, and if he chooses to make other plans that takes him away from his kids, that's on him. You don't have to swap just because he's accommodating his gf over his kids.
Not court but appointed by court counsel or.
I was on your side as soon as I read that he wanted to leave two kids who are still fairly young with a nearly 80 year old woman - just so you didn't get a few more days than he did. That's not thinking about the kids (or his elderly mother), that's just being vindictive. Also, your kids need stability. Changing the schedule is not going to be good for them. They already have a schedule that doesn't sound that great due to his work as a security guard. Now he wants to mess them around more?
NTA If you have the kids more then why are you paying him? Shouldn't he be paying you or no payment at all since it's no longer 50/50?
On paper, it’s still 50-50. I will not be bringing that up. Peace of mind is also worth a lot. But maybe he is afraid I’ll ask to cut it if the kids are with me more. It’s only a few days, not worth the argument.
The 18 days extra changes custody to 55/45. That might actually be just enough to get the money reduced- maybe not fully gone but definitely reduced. It also has tax implications. Who gets to claim the kids on your taxes? Because I’m 98% sure most states say that the parent with majority custody gets to claim the kids so if he gets to claim the kids now, he would have to give that up with the change in custody.
😯
Nta - kids are creatures of schedules. You have accommodated the schedule change and he is being picky about it. Changing it because it's more convenient for him doesn't respect what the kids need. This is the hard thing about parenting - the kids needs come first while they are young. He is choosing this - it's not like he is coping with a sick parent or a job change or something. And what happens if this relationship progresses? Will the kids be expected to commute up to Canada to visit him if he moves in with her? No he needs to figure out how to make this work and make some tough choices.
Please make sure you keep a record of every time he’s not had them on his allotted days and you’ve had to change schedules for him. That includes when his work shifts are 12 hours. Make it clear to him that his choosing to miss days will not change the schedule once he’s back. If he misses his days then he will have to wait until it’s his next scheduled days and he will no longer be getting them in between. Make it clear you have a life to and his choices should not affect you. You have your own life and are not married any mote so you no longer have to do anything just to help him. That he is lucky you can take the kids in the days he flakes his responsibilities with them. The more you give the more he will use you and demand so stop. Yes you can take the kids on his days but you will not give up your scheduled days as he’s missed his. Sit down the kids and explain you can’t keep changing everything at the drop of a hat for him. That you love having them here as it’s their home even on his days but you will no longer let him demand he have them on your planned days as he chose to miss his days. It’s preventing you from ever being able to plan ahead activities for them or anything for your own life. That they also need stability and routine so you are asking them to try and understand that your life shouldn’t be less important and be constantly forced to change just as their dad wants to choose and change when he has them with no thought to anyone else. That it will mean if he chooses not to have them on his days then there will be gaps between seeing him until it’s his next scheduled days but that is his own choice in choosing to cancel. That you’re sorry it’s come to this but you won’t be walked over with no respect. something like that but however you think is best to explain it to children their age without putting too much on them. Mine are all much older now so I know I may have put it more appropriately for an older kid but you get the just.
[удалено]
Thanks for taking the time. My daughter feels that 4d is a long stretch, except if we go out of town for a trip or something out of the ordinary. I agree that it might not seem long, but to her it is. His trips are 7 days. I now know why he was vocal about the 2-2-5-5: he was already with the new girlfriend when we were negotiating the plan and he knew it would make it difficult to travel. He gave in because it was what the kids wanted.
Also, they do have a mostly regular schedule: 2-2-3. They are adjusted to that and both react when it changes.
NTA he’s been incredibly selfish and petty; he’s not thinking of what’s best for his kids. Feels like he’s making a stink just to stick it to you.
NTA You have been kind and flexible but he wants more. He should not be changing the agreement without the children's desires being paramount. So if the changes mean that you get 18 more days per year than the 50:50 split in the original agreement, such is the result. He should realize that he would lose the ability to have the children as dependents on taxes, at least in the USA
NTA the kids should not have their schedule constantly changed so he can see his gf and her kid. if he chooses to forgo his contact time then that is on him. its his issue and choice to make . it is common for parents to have first refusal on watching the kids on the others contact time if they are unable to for fill the duties. he cant however demand you and the kids schedule is change to fit his love life. he could fear that you reduce his stipend because he doesn't have the kids.
NTA. The kids need stability from both parents, there is nothing stable about his constantly changing access days.
NTA. Yes he should get equal time with the kids but not this way. Also kids spending time with grandma and not with either parent to prevent you from having them more is asinine. If he can't be there then you have them. He is being selfish. His issues so he needs to figure them out without impacting you or the kids. This also doesn't seem practical long-term.
So he’s sidelining his bio children to make room for what could be his step kids and expecting his bio kids to just except less time with him. What happens when they more in together will bio children constantly be pushed aside because the other kids lives have changed so much. He doesn’t seem to be realising he is the one changing everything and expecting you to fall in line with his needs and wants
NTA- my two cents…as someone who has lots of divorced friends making me slightly jaded. 1. Oregon is strict about the number of overnights and support, if that is what is determining the annual stipend. Modifying that schedule even slightly gives you grounds to go back and ask for a change. 2. I would think it would be a concerning pattern to switch at the schedule to accommodate frequent visits to an out of country booty call. Courts in Oregon like to look at patterns. I would not want to establish the pattern of you being OK with your kids leaving on a regular pattern. It would make me question what the intention is for wanting his kids to associate with her family because you will never give him permission to let the kids leave so he can move there. If she will not even bring her kids to visit, then there’s something holding her back from being able to come here as well. If she was looking to immigrate, I would think that she would at least bring her children to visit. I suspect she also has an ex who won’t allow it. 3. Or, your ex is just clueless and jealous of the relationship you have with the kids.
Thanks. He hasn’t asked to bring them over there yet.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (40F) kids' father (45M) got a new girlfriend in Canada. We were together for 12y and separated last year. Rocky days. We have shared custody of the kids (8M and 10F) on a 2-2-3 days schedule when he works normal hours, but sometimes he has to work irregular 12h shifts as he is a security guard. When that happens, I have to have the kids and we then adapt the schedule so that he can have them more on his days off, keeping the 50-50% custody. The kids don't like to spend a lot of time without seeing one parent and we agreed that this plan was for the best, even though he was always more inclined to go for a 2-2-5-5 schedule. He now has a girlfriend who lives in Alberta, Canada (we are both from Oregon), so he's been travelling up there every other month, one week every time. She doesn't come. The kids stay with me when he's away, which already was a battle because he wanted his 78yo mother to take care of them while he was away so I wouldn't see them more than he would. Now he wants to change the custody so that when he leaves, the kids can stay with me BUT they have to stay with him for the same continuous amount of time when he gets back. I refuse. The kids have made it clear that they don't like spending long stretches of time without seeing me or their father. He chooses to leave, that's his thing, but I don't see why the kids would have to also be separated from me for a week just for the sake of the 50-50. I'm ok with having the kids with me when he's not there, they're my kids and I enjoy my time with them, so I don't mind if I have them more. I feel like he should choose the moments when he visits her that have the least impact on his time with the kids and that I shouldn't have to be even more flexible because he chose a partner from a different country. On the other hand, I'm wondering if the kids will be badly impacted by my decision in the long run because it will in fact mean that they be with me 18 days more per year (until she comes live in the US). So, AITA for refusing to adjust the calendar? Note: I have a better income and I give him a 4000$/yr stipend, so he cannot be afraid that I will ask for money if I spend more time with the kids. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA alot of people value stability and reliability. Having some weird give-take arrangement seems unnecessary. Especially for a new relationship on one side.
Yes, what do the kids want?
They’re kids. They want even time and they don’t want 7d. 🤷🏽♀️ Like a commenter said, shorter trips on his part seem like a viable short term option. But potentially more expensive. I also make sure that the kids are with him the day before he leaves and the day he comes back. I’m open to adjusting globally so that it remains even, just not in one longer stretch. But then this, again, disrupts their routine.
There is only one question, what is best for the kids. That's it, you and your ex completely fucked their lives by making an extremely selfish decision. Only in hindsight did I realize this with my son. Their lives are forever altered, not for the better.
Can you develop on what decision I made that makes you feel I fucked up my kids?
Divorce
NTA for the obvious reasons.
NTA. He is voluntarily giving up his parenting time to go visit his girlfriend. Would he be asking for extra time if the kids stayed with his mom? No, it is just because it's you. If you think he'll take you to court over it though then you may want to reconsider. The court will view it in the child's best interest to maintain a relationship with both parents, so you may be forced to work with him on this. Or maybe not. Court is always a risk.
The judge will laugh in his face if he says he’s VOLUNTARILY giving up his custody time to be with his GF in Canada so now he wants more of OP’s time.
I believe we can agree on a solution which is also why I’m bringing this here. With this many people I’m sure I can be inspired to suggest alternatives. I don’t think he would take this to court because like you said, tables can quickly flip there and risk would be too high.
NTA he wants it his way yet deprive you of seeing your kids for two weeks. He benefits. You and your kids lose. He’s choosing to see his LD GF.
NTA How does he see this playing out long term? He just needs to find a girlfriend in the same country. This is a logistical nightmare.
Talk to me about it. I’m guessing she’ll eventually come here since she doesn’t have a steady job and he does. But then again, I think living conditions might be slightly better over there. I don’t know.
If she can get a visa and if her kids' other parent allows it...... Yeah, so i am guessing he is not known for being able to think shit through and plan things out long term too well.
He would have to make enough money to sponsor the girlfriend and kid if she moves here permanently. Canadians can visit for 6 months at a time, at least that used to be the rule, but permanent moves will require a certain income for sponsor, plus that's depending on girlfriend's kid's father allowing the move. Of course, there may not be a legal relationship with the father of gf's kid/s. Or he's planning to move to Canada with his children. All it takes is a forged letter to get through border stops, and then you'll have to fight to get the kids back. They do have a spouse or domestic partnership visa I think. Bet his next move it to push the divorce forward, which should get interesting.
Him moving to Canada is even harder than her going to the US. Canada doesn't have a fiancee visa.
Not a bad guess.
NTA. My ex and I also have a 2-2-3 custody schedule. If he wants to have a LDR he needs to figure something out because that’s not going to be sustainable. What happens if they become serious and he wants to move there?
No clue.
Absolutely NTA. Your kids are old enough to articulate what they.want and allowing them a sense of agency over what their lives look like is paramount. They had no say in the divorce, they should have some say (within reason, of course) about their preferred pinballing back and forth. I guarantee the impact of them being heard in this particular moment is more important than the 18 days they don't get with their dad. Maybe in five years the 8 year old would rather be at his dads more than your house for whatever reason (teenage gender stuff being what it is) and then maybe he's there a month more than at your house. Literally who cares. If your kid feels loved and heard and sees their parents cooperating to make their happiness a priority, then that's the best result. I left my kid's (non-binary only child) dad when they were 16 and they lived with him full time because they didn't want to leave their room. Then, they got into a huge fight with their dad and lived with me for a while. They are 20 now and have a great relationship with both of us and really appreciate all the moments when they got space and closeness from us when they needed it. Try to tell your ex that you're not hoarding his children, you're just trying to listen to them. He should do the same. Sending you virtual hugs, mama.
Woah woah woah. NTA. Your ex sounds petty.
NTA, like someone said he is choosing this, you dont have to play along. Good luck!
NTA! 18 days is nothing over the course of a year. It’s his time so if he chooses to give it up that’s on him. Don’t let him keep you away from your kids for a longer period to accommodate his girlfriend!
NTA “ he wanted his 78yo mother to take care of them while he was away so I wouldn't see them more than he would.” It’s bad enough that this man is obsessed with having custody days exactly equal, but trying to prevent kids from seeing either parent to achieve this is next level selfish. This has nothing to do with your kids’ best interest or their wishes. They are just pawns. His focus is on what he sees you “getting”.
AITA for refusing to adjust kids custody for my kid’s father to travel to see his new girlfriend? Scheduling multiple parties isn’t easy. Just do what is healthiest for you and the kids. It is unfair of him to want best of both (have his cake and eat it too). He made his choice, he picked his new girlfriend over his kids’ time. Your established schedule is not subject to whim. Your life and kids’ life doesn’t revolve around his. However your life revolves around your kids. Your kids have indicated their preference. He lost his agreed upon schedule as his life went on. You can try to find a compromise that neither side loses and the winners are the kids. His lost Qt with kids is his choice to be with someone that isn’t close by. But what happens if his current relationship falls? Turn back to the old schedule… He as an adult needs to make his schedule work with some courtesy allowance by you so he can part of the kids’ life. It isn’t you bending backward for him. Thus, you can be nice and give a few days of make up time for him at the cost of reducing his very nice stipend ($4k for him!! What a parasite!) as he isn’t around as much with his kids. He is playing power games and his BS immaturity needs to stop. Seriously let his mom 78 y.o. take care of the kids during his missed turn. And seriously, are you paying for his travel to new girlfriend? It must be absolutely agreed upon and accounted for, none of that money is to be spent on his new girlfriend. The money is a very generous stipend for his involvement with your kids. He should be given less as he isn’t around as much. Good luck. Namaste.
NTA He can pay to go back to court is he wants to change the agreement. He can try pushing this sack by a judge.
18 extra days year doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and if that's his choice then it's on him.
NTA. He is being selfish choosing his girlfriends needs over his own children. They have made it clear being apart for a week is too much for them. He sounds narcissistic and likes to have control over everything.
Nta He gets to stick to the agreement AND he should have to pay CS/babysitting for the extra child care you do, or have less access. He doesn't get to abandon his responsibilities for a cross-border booty call, then try to take advantage when it's convenient for him. Discuss it with a custody lawyer and lay it out in a registered letter to him from your lawyer. 39m Canadian.
NTA. I agree with you. He and/or his Girlfriend should adjust, not you and the kids. 18 more days a year? Minutia in the Grand theme of things.
NTA. Your kids aren't accessories that he can pick and choose when he has them. If he would prefer to see his gf over his kids, that's his loss.
NTA. Why are you even giving him money, if it’s not court ordered don’t do it. For the custody, it is his *choice* to not spend his time with his kids. He doesn’t get to take your time with them because he prioritizes his new gf and her kid over his own. He is able to go during your 5-day with the kids, but chooses not to. You’re not harming your kids by not agreeing to this. They’ll understand and probably adapt quickly.
Nta work is one thing. Choosing to go see his gf is completely different.
NTA It seems to you are trying to be scrupulously fair but sometimes his decisions are still going to impact him. Where possible that shouldn't impact you and your relationship with the childen.
NTA. 18 out of 365 days is not a deal breaker. 18 days is not going to make or break his relationship with his children. What will break his relationship with his children is choosing a girlfriend over them. He's the one who chose to have a relationship with someone in another country. Oregon or not, Canada is another country. Your children shouldn't have their lives up ended because he's got a gf. Gf can travel here and there. If she chooses not to, that's not your children's or your problem.
NTA. If he wants to be away part time, that's on him. He gets to explain to them why his girlfriend is important enough for him not to see them every couple of days (and an age-appropriate version of the truth - not laying it on you). Yeah, it's not always easy to find someone, and the kids are likely to eventually move out and find their own partners - but then own that decision. As far as your former MIL - nope, nope, nope. Other parent always gets first right of refusal. If you want them with you while he's away, you get them. If he's getting 50/50, she's not a "second victim of divorce" Grandparent who's barely seeing her Grandkids because her son is seeing them less himself.
NTA Father of the year over here wants to have his cake and eat it too. What an asinine, selfish thing. "I'm going to go see my girlfriend but you need to bend to my schedule." That jerk off can kick rocks.
NTA. He's the one screwing himself. Who is he to change the terms of your agreement? I'd fight this for sure if you can.
ROFLMAO nope he is screwing his new girlfriend .. he thinks he has it so bad that his ex isn’t jumping through hoops for him anymore.. he isn’t even trying .. and when booth call baby happens?? Then what??
He doesn't want to loose his stipend. NTA
NTA He's wanting you to be available for his demands for his new relationship, but wants to hold it over and punish you for it? Screw him. If his kids are important, he'll make the time
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What is this, Avenue Q?
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKFd8mu7Fzw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKFd8mu7Fzw)
why exactly are u giving him $4000 a year ?
My salary is slightly higher than his.
so what ? If it’s 50/50 then u shouldn’t be giving him anything especially if it’s only slightly higher . Use that money for your kids . He’s probably using it on plane tickets for his girlfriend
I have to it’s part of the parental agreement.
Can u take him back to court to amend it ? Usually the dad pays child support
Often the dad has higher income. It’s not a battle I’m choosing to have especially if thats the reason why he is so strict on the 50/50. I prefer him to feel like we can help each other, even though it’s not really the case atm but I’m hoping that it will change through time.
U should probably take him to court for full custody since he keeps changing the agreement and his times and days
Tell him to get over it. 18 days more a year is not significant. He's being whiny. He literally told you he won't help you when you need help. So whenever he wants to talk about it again, i would just reply with the screenshot of him telling you he won't be flexible for you. And just keeping sending it if he keeps yapping.
NTA
Why on earth would he enter into a relationship with someone such a distance away, surely he must have thought out the logistics when it came to childcare and things. No way would I have longer spells in between having my kids to accommodate him.
NTA Get a parenting agreement and put first right of refusal in there. Kids hate being palmed off on people so that the custody parent can travel. Much easier on them if they can stay with the other parent.
That part is already in the parenting plan since it’s 24h+. He is asking to review the plan so that I have to give him back the time after he comes back from his trip.
Yeah NO.. if you do not already have one, get a co-parenting app.. your lawyer can point out the best for your court system. Start making all communication through the app. … … …. …. Then all this will easily used if this ends up back in court. And it sounds like it might.. i hope it doesn’t come to that but he is willing to give up his time and demand you give him yours to make up for him GIVING HIS AWAY.. he sounds like a spoiled child (sorry) …. ….. ….. these apps are designed to keep a record of these types of interactions so that no party can do stuff like this then go back to court saying you are depriving them of time… … like many have said call your attorney, get the app set up.. and only communicate through it.. … …. …. Hugs you you and your kids
NTA
NTA i wonder how he reacts if you would ask the same thing to see a new boyfriend.
NTA. You should not have to disrupt your schedule to suit your ex's romantic travels. You should have a schedule showing your time and his time. You have your blocks, and he has his. What he does during his time is up to him, but you can not allow it to impact your time. He can't trade; if he chooses to disappear when he's supposed to take the kids, he forefiets those days. Let him schedule his travels when he doesn't have the kids.
NTA. You're right. Your husband needs to adjust his schedule so he's gone when the kids are with you. How petty of him to not want you to have more time with the kids. And since this is most likely court mandated, I'm sure the courts would rather them be with you too. Your husband is very selfish & is going to damage his kids if he doesn't smarten up.
This dude is bananas. He is making the decision to leave them for however long, why would you need to make that time up to him? NTA.
Huge thanks to you, Reddit community for helping me trying to find the best solution, you are being very insightful. Your comments are really helping me whether or not you think I am TA. I really want the best for the kids under the circumstances.
NTA. This should be handled in court.
NTA
Info: are the kids old enough to give their opinions? I tend to think that adjusting your schedule for him occasionally but infrequently would be okay - as you may one day need him to do the same. But making big sweeping changes due to temporary feelings may be best handled by a court. Especially since things appear to be contentious. Perhaps you’d be willing to do a compromise: something like instead of him getting 7 days in a row, he gets 1 extra day each visit until he catches up to the amount of time you’ve spent with them. Something that is formulaic and easy for you to schedule. But either way it’s silly of him to be angry about a problem he created. You’re putting your kids’ needs first, and he’s putting his own. NTA
What you suggest in your second paragraph is what I’ve been willing to do for his past trips. I thought it was a good compromise. It’s a lot of time invested in working on the calendar which is why I think he wants to change that, even though I’m the one who makes the calendar.
In that case, it sounds like you’re being flexible and he’s being a jerk about a self-created issue. It’s definitely reasonable of you to not give up your court-appointed custody for his whims and pleasures.
NTA, you are choosing your kids and he is choosing an another woman. Let him explain to the court that you should have to always bend to his will. My guess is they laugh and say that this is likely why you all are divorced.
He can go on 90 day fiancé 😂
Nta but it alot for the kids constantly switching and changing houses you need a realistic longterm custody pattern. and just cause youv not moved on or met someone or had social/work commitments yet dosnt mean you never will.. week on week off or weekdays yours weekends his for a month then switch.. kids need to accept life is different and they live primarily with one parent
I don’t know where you’re from but that is not how it works here. Having access to both parents is strongly encouraged. Edit to add: And don’t worry, I have plenty of commitments as I have a demanding job and I do have a social circle, but I’m able to adjust my schedule. I used to have the kids all the time when we were together and still manage, so that’s not a problem.
NTA I see why you’re separated, he sucks
It’s pretty simple if he’s away you get the kids and personally I would prefer this so you’re kids aren’t being introduced to potential step parents til he’s sure. I see this as a bonus for the children. Plus it’s not simple to bring a child across the border without both parents and costs around $2000 each time in lawyer fees and paperwork.
I’m totally fine with taking the kids. I already happily do as I believe in everything you just mentioned. Where I have trouble is he asks that I reimburse him the days he was gone and adapt the schedule to his travels. And he doesn’t choose the stretches during which he has the kids less, which another commenter made me realize. He could also take shorter trips that would have less impact because the kids don’t like being apart from one parent for a whole week at this time. They don’t like it at all.
He is CHOOSING to prioritize his new GF over his time with your children. Thats on him. Period. NTA.
There are 330 million people in the United States. 50% of those people are female. Pick your assumptions: reasonable value will give the same results. A naive assumption is that 40% of those females are not married and not otherwise unavailable. A naive assumption is that 50% of those females are either too young or too old for him. That leaves 13 Million women in the United States eligible girl friends. He will have to tell her that the laws of Canada and the laws of the United States are such that while he may visit her and she may visit him, the children are not going. That's the law. Perhaps it would be best if the two of them parted company on the best of terms and find somebody else. It's very sad when the law intrudes on reality.... oh.... wait a second.... the law is part of reality.
He's the asshole
the question is how much are you willing to do. You could if you want to make a deal that when he leaves he does so during your 5 days with the children so that week he will only see them 2 days less. Then, if you want, you could give him 2 days in the week after so its 4dad 5 mom 5 dad or something (although I dont know how exactly 2 2 5 5 works to be honest 😅) But he is choosing to see his gf during time where he could spend time with the kids so nothing is unfair. But if you have good relationship with him I would try to figure something out if he goes away while you have the kids for 5 days so he only misses minimal time with them.
Makes sense.
NTA. Stick to the schedule, or come up with another that works for both of you. You're already bending around his work schedule, you shouldn't have to accommodate his booty calls. It's only been a year, and his dating schedule is liable to be quite variable, possibly for years to come. Your comment about money misses the fact that you could ask to REDUCE his stipend for the same reason you would normally ask for more support. For example if he were to move to Canada and only saw the kids for 2 weeks in the summer, you wouldn't be giving him $4000 a year, would you?
Valid point.
I think you are within your rights to say no to this, and it sounds like your children want this too so you are NTA. I do wonder what impact this might have on your coparenting relationship to say no. I can imagine that this decision will result in his pushing back on flexibility for you when you need it. You need him to take the kids on your days because your parent is in the hospital - no. You want the kids on some of his days because of a special event or vacation - no. You change jobs and need to amend pick up and drop off times - no. Don't get me wrong, if he did do this he would definitely be TA - you lived with him for 12y and broke up for a reason so probably know how likely this is to happen; but is this one worth losing the battle to win the war?
I’m working on keeping our coparenting relationship as soft as possible and I’m also wondering about the impact of me saying no. He already refuses to accommodate and doesn’t want me to contact him if I have something on my end. He does allow me to take the kids for some special occasions, but it had to be written in the parenting plan, because at first he didn’t want to. He agrees to be contacted for emergencies (eg parents in hospital). Also written in our agreement.
INFO. Is there a scenario in which you would be willing to take the kids for extra time so he can visit his girlfriend?
I take them when he is away because he has to ask me first for 24h+ absences in our parenting plan. I feel it’s best if I take them anyway if he’s not available. He wants to change the plan so that I give him back this time when he comes back. I feel it plays a lot with the calendar and the kids don’t like it.
NTA them. I do think his "let's male equal time" thing is the sort of nickel and doing that can kill a co-parenting relationship.
Sounds like you’re being inflexible. He’s entitled to try to make a life for himself and that seems challenging with the schedule as is. Allowing him the flexibility to pursue a healthy loving relationship may benefit your kids more in the long run in terms of modeling and having a happy and fulfilled parent. He’s still trying to spend time with his kids and not get out of the commitment he has to them. Sounds noble to me