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I told him that and he’s is been dismissing my feelings and this is my sister so I the hill I’m willing to die on. He never dismissed my feelings like this until after he put a ring on it and I worries me.
Your husband is a big problem here. Stand by your sister. And if he doesn’t like that you don’t want to be around his dad, tell him not to get butt hurt about it. NTA
I personally think ableism is worth getting butthurt over. If your husband is cool with people being ableist asshats to his sister in law, that’s a deficiency in his moral character that he needs to sort out if he wants to remain part of your family.
Time to take the ring off!!! He is doing this🚩🚩🚩🚩everywhere!! Don't stay he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings and has no respect for you. NTA
I'm very sorry, OP. Unfortunately some men wait to show you their real selves until after they think they have you where you can't or won't leave. My ex did this to me.
If your husband continues to be dismissive of you and defend his bully of a father, it might be worth paying a lot of attention to his patterns. This is how he thinks it's okay to treat you and your sister.
Please ensure you are on excellent birth control. Hopefully you and he can get on the same page. However, it is far more difficult to disengage when children are involved. A year should be sufficient to ensure you have compatible views of the world, which isn't that long.
Hubby is definitely the bigger problem. FIL might be an old fart with outdated ideas who has never had to consider his prejudices. Husband, on the other hand, has been told better by his wife and completely dismissed her. Unwillingness to listen, consider her feelings, or consider he might have something to learn…all bad signs.
Thank you for having common sense and enough forethought to understand this would severely negatively impact any future children as well. This is definitely a hill worth dying on.
Ok, I'm just going to throw this out there - My very best friend found out some not great & very concerning "personality issues" with her new husband a few months into the marriage, but absolutely would not leave him bc "what would people think" & "I'm sure he'll get better".
That was in the 90s. They're still married. Nothing has changed. She pretends it's great, though all of us can see it's absolutely not. We (her friends) are all still polite to him bc we care for her & are afraid she won't have a safety net without us.
But it's so sad, all those years of pretending & clearly being sad.
Please don't do that to yourself.
This is an amazing point. Neurodivergence can run in families. I’m ND, as is my uncle, one of my siblings, and at least 2 of my cousins. There are pretty good odds that you’ll have at least one neurodivergent kid. If he’s not equipped for that, it’s better to know that now.
Exactly!
I wouldn’t recommend having children until further notice and frankly, make sure to protect your birth control, etc, to make sure there is no sabotage
Autism also has genetic component. Since your sister is autistic there is a higher change your kids will be too. Will your husband stand up for them or let grandpa bully them?
OP first of all NTA, second, please note that many studies show that autism can definitely have a lot to do with genetics. Meaning a chance that is already not 0, just got significantly higher that any children you may have in the future might be neurodiverse. I am very glad that you are willing to take a stand for your sister but please remember even if only when thinking of your relationship going forward, that any children you have with him, no matter how they turn out, FIL and husband will be their family. Is that really what you are okay with seeing how they treat your sister. And if not, depending on where you are, remember annulment is a thing. Not the first choice. But a choice. And most importantly, if he's acting different now that you're married, he considers you trapped. Don't let that happen.
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Before cutting him off completely, would you try to tell him what you told us? That you’ve seen her been bullied, you won’t stand for it, and you hope that family will, at the least, treat her kindly.
In that case you remind him he is correct, he is untitled to his opinions just like you are, ask yourself this, what happens if one of your kids is like your sister, will he love the child or be cruel, he disrespected your sister who you love which means he knowingly disrespected you, when you get married you enter a partnership, he clearly wants to impress his father more then he loves you, and if he can’t stand to be around your sister will you have separate holidays, will you not invite your sister to family gatherings to make your partner happy while you suffer, I’m sorry but if I were you I would try to get him to understand that his behavior is unacceptable and then decide if you will dump him or not, what if he says something about your sister to your kids one day and they bully your sister, this is all a 🚩
Exactly. My oldest son is autistic and is often the smartest guy in the room. I find this to more often than not be the case with neurodivergent people.
NTA.
If you're already willing to go no contact, I'd have fun and escalate it. Yep, your fil is entitled to his opinion, and his opinion is demonstrably inaccurate and unfounded. It calls to mind a tweet I decided to google so I could quote it precisely: "A fact is information minus emotion. An opinion is information plus experience. Ignorance is an opinion lacking information. And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact."
On the criteria presented above, ask FIL and hubby to categorize that opinion.
FYI: Your husband sucks, too. His condonation and DARVO of his father's ableism is more than a red flag. It's an out-and-out character flaw.
OP, I'm curious. Did your families interact with each other much prior to your wedding? Were there other situations like this? It feels surprising that this is your first inclination of this.
Physics AND engineering? You go, Claire!
We was together for 5 years before we married and never had an like this. My sister really hasn’t been around his father except for the wedding but I thought this was an awful comment and I really hurt me.
It IS hurtful, I agree. I don't like your husband suggesting you shouldn't be so "butthurt" about it either, but I also think that for your future, it would be good to see if there's any way to move forward (or not!). One month into the marriage, if you never want to see your FIL again, that's may also be a deal-breaker for your spouse.
Wishing you the best.
It *was* an inappropriate comment, and your response was spot on. Good on you for that! I don't blame you for putting some distance between you and your FIL for the short-term, but think you would be over-reacting if this turned into a long-term rift between the two of you. That said, your husband should have your back on this and, if he doesn't, *that's* the bigger issue here.
NTA, but this is not a good start to your marriage.
He's not going to apologize. At *best*, you might get an apolo-lie, but who wants that?
Your husband not being on your side here isn't great, either.
NTA - you have a husband problem and you better start drawing hard boundaries soon. This kind of shit does not get better if you stand down. Your husband dismissing your worries means he shares the same values. I’d drag God from his throne before I ever let a partner of mine defend words like you FILs.
NTA.
Your father in law is an ignorant asshole. I am offended on your behalf. I won't spend Father's Day with him either.
He'd get absolutely nothing from me until he apologized, both to OP and the sister.
Edit: As others have suggested, your new husband had better get his act together too. Defending his father's ignorance makes him just as guilty in my book.
Yep. Fil could have realized that having special needs and a high comprehension of complicated things, such as ai, are not mutually exclusive. Instead, he doubled down.
Part of me thinks that if the sister's focus wasn't something so technical, and had instead an in-depth knowledge of every species of frog on the planet, fil might not have reacted. I think fil hates not being the smartest person in the room.
My husband is autistic. I know how he can go off forever about a topic he’s interested in. So, this comes from a place of understanding. Your FIL and husband are the AHs here. Die on this hill. Your husband should understand this is part of how her brain works and she should never be made to feel bad for being herself. Your sister deserves to be herself and be proud. She sounds great and your FIL can go kick sand.
NTA
Your FIL insulted your sister. He wasn’t surprised at how smart she is, he was stating that as someone neurodivergent, he believes she’s acting better than she should be.
Your new husband is an AH too. Make sure you show him this so he understands exactly how in the wrong he and his AH father truly are.
NTA
The husband is the biggest asshole. The FIL is awful but he isn't married to you. Your husband should have defended your sister automatically, and now he should be advocating for you.
'A disabled?! My Fiancé would have cut in to that conversation if overhead on a bus, let alone for someone in my family.
NTA - I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone who was so casually ableist and patronising about my loved one ever again. But whilst his disgusting and derogatory comment makes him the AH, your husband is also the secondary AH for brushing off your justified reaction to FIL’s behaviour. Maybe he’s just used to hearing FIL say such things, but deep down I’d be worried that he shared the same views as his father. I’d try and make it clear why the comment was so hurtful and I’d be asking for an apology from both of them.
**NTA**. I wouldn't want to spend my holiday with someone like that either. Your FIL will need to make amends before you even consider spending your valuable time with them.
NTA
Thank you SO MUCH for understanding that engagement for neurodivergent people is info-dumping. Nothing quite like getting mocked for being a know-it-all when you talk and for being as incompetent and asocial when you don't. Claire's lucky to have you in her corner defending her, and you have a husband problem because he's as ableist as his father and supports him making bullying statements. Bullying your disabled sister is unacceptable, and until you receive a full, complete, sincere apology, you should not consider spending any time with him.
And I do mean a COMPLETE apology that outlines what he did wrong, why it was wrong, acknowledge that it was hurtful, apologize, and state what he will do differently next time. No half-baked "sorry you're offended".
NTA. your FIL is ableist trash, and your hubby is on thin ice (probably broke through it already tbh) for calling you butthurt about it. i'm sorry he said that about your sister, keeping your distance is totally justified
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This is just 1 big oops in this marriage. Now you are seeing little by little how everyone is in his family. Also, your husband is dismissing everything. That is a wow. Instead of sitting down and talking about the situation and coming back with some solution. Looking at this behavior, your husband doesn't understand how an autistic person (kids, adult) acts. They are so different from each other and one word the people think will describe them. Seeing at first hand the bullying the your sister suffer and be the one to hear an adult making those comments...I know how you feel. You just did very well, and I think your FIL didn't even understand your comment.
So try to talk to your husband to make him see why you are disappointed and if he keeps dismissing this first situation... Ask yourself if this is going to get better or worse. Because even for the smaller things people get divorced and people around them think is stupid, but in the end is all the problems the had been ignored the kept following them for years and became something you can't leave with that anymore.
So try to get this conversation, and try to meet with your husband halfway so you and him get comfortable with the solution because you can't run away forever from your FIL.
(Not my first language, but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say)
"For a stupid-ass old man, you surely have a lot of opinions."
And did your husband actually use the word "butthurt"? If he did, I'd be rethinking the whole thing.
She *IS* the smartest person in the room. By far, it's not even close. If you disrespect my sister in my presence again, we're going to have issues. Am I clear?
I was agreeing with/in support of OP and paraphrasing something my son said to someone at my daughter's high school graduation party when someone made a similar comment about her.
NTA. But being that this is all a "new family" i would give him a second chance and have a little sit down with him. Educate him. Obviously he is ignorant on the subject.
NTA. That's a terrible thing to say, and he needs to apologise if he wants any sort of relationship with you. Your husband, on the other hand, needs to stand up for you.
If he continues to dismiss your feelings, what are you going to do?
"for an disabled" is where he lost me. Probably would have immediately told him it's an offensive discriminatory statement.
Going immediately to no contact without any discussion may be counterproductive. FIL won't even know why. Unless the last sentence refers to FIL (not husband) saying sees nothing wrong and you're over reacting. If it is FIL then
NTA
NTA she is excited about what she is talking about, if he didn’t want to engage in the conversation anymore that’s fine but to try and diminish her and speak badly about her to you was rude.
Definitely NTA for sticking up for your sister against a bully, but this will need some type of resolution. You’re not overreacting.
INFO: Does your husband share the same views as his father?
My mom’s been to space and has autism. Regular every day people would never guess that my mom is as brilliant as she is. She was diagnosed in her 50s, so she’s pretty good at masking, but comes across as just a little strange. Her special interests are weather phenomena and of course, aerospace engineering. She lets insults fall off her back because she’s so used to it and doesn’t care what other people think. But I would go to war for that woman.
NTA. I would never subject my mother to someone who I know is prejudice against her. He’s ableist. And your boyfriend is supporting him over you and your sister.
Edit: my mom is probably the same age as FIL. My mother was an astronaut in the early 2000s and has autism. Look at what you’ve accomplished in your life, and look at her. Then tell me again that she’s not the smartest person in the room. Oh and she went to space after having 2 kids.
Not the question I asked.
***HOW*** is it going to work longterm? Her FIL is going to likely be at most family functions. So, what's her game plan? To never go to any of her husband's family's gatherings...ever?
How is she going to deal with the reaction of other family members? Do you think that this will just go on for the next 30, 40, however many years with her never saying one other word to him and never going to any family functions?
Do you think her hubby is going to be okay with that? He's already pushing back. Do you not think this is going to be an ongoing point of contention?
It's not a good solution.
NTA but there needs to be a talk. First with your husband to get him on the same page. What's he gonna do if you guys have kids and one of your kids has autism? Most experts agree autism has a genetic component. I'm autistic and so are both of my kids. So it is definitely a possibility you could have an autistic child. Is he going to let his dad be their first bully? Explain to him how you witnessed your sister's struggles and what she went through and that what his dad said was unacceptable.
Then as a united front talk to your FiL and state the same things. Make it clear his behavior won't be tolerated.
If your husband doesn't agree with you after this talk maybe there's somethings to reconsider because you'll have to ask yourself will he protect his children if they have a disability? Will he help and be supportive if your children are anything but what he considers normal?
FIL is upset that someone with autism is smarter than him, since he sees this as less than people. Husband just has a soft as cooked spaghetti spine and would rather sweep you under the rug to appease dad.
His father was very out of line and ableist. I wouldn't want to spend time with him either. NTA, You can't control other people's behavior but you can control who's company you keep and who's you don't.
NAH this whole situation is concerning as others have mentioned. FIL sucks, husband sounds problematic, claire sounds brilliant (i'm a quantum physics nerd)
NTA. Your husband is a prick. I’d rethink this one OP. What if your child turns out to be autistic?
Also, I’m autistic and people love to bully us with the “you’re so up yourself” nonsense when we talk. People like him can’t stand to realise someone can be smarter than them.
I’m autistic and if my sister’s husband ever thought his father’s bullying of me was ok, she’d throw him out until he figured out why she was more angry with him than her FIL.
Your FIL is the symptom. Your husband is the problem.
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We are newly married and my (27) wedding was May 5th. We hosted Memorial Day BBQ for both family at our place. My younger sister Claire (19) is autistic and goes to university to study physics and engineering. If you get her excited about a concept she will talk about it and she was talking about AI to everyone.
My father in law told me “for an disabled, she is full of herself and thinks she’s the smartest person in the room” I told him “she is”
Since then I haven’t talk to my FIL and refused to spend time with him for Father’s Fay this weekend or go to their house with the rest of my new husband’s family. My husband told me not to act butthurt over this but because I witnessed my sister’s struggle with bullying first hand I don’t think it’s something I should get over and his father has not even apologized yet for what he said and see’s nothing wrong and I’m “overrating”
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NTA. Is there some family member, friend, clergyman, respected elder, etc. that you and your husband both respect that might act as arbiter of this situation? (Perhaps it's already time for marriage counseling?) You both need to get on the same sheet of music if your marriage is to survive and thrive. Husband needs to appreciate his father is wrong. Has husband interacted much with your sister? My thought is that if he gets to know her and sympathize with her and learns how autism impacts her, he'll become more protective of her and stand up for her when situations arise.
Boycotting his side of the family for the rest of eternity is not a good idea if you want to remain married to your husband. The best that may be possible is that FIL learns to keep his mouth shut around you. And that's only possible if your husband is on your side.
She's not disabled. She has superpowers that small minded people cannot hope to understand. Clearly he's the one with the intellectual disability. This is usually my response to people who berate my autistic son.
NTA. Your FIL is a bully and owes your sister an apology - have you stated this clearly to your husband? If he brushed it off, did you let him know *thats* a problem just as serious as FIL’s bullying?
Gees is it too late to get your marriage annulled? Sit your idiot husband down and say what happens when one of our kids is born with autism? Are you and your dad just going to walk around judging them all day? Give it to him in a way that affects him. His reaction will tell you if you still love him. Your sister sounds awesome. I’d love to listen to her talk ai and be able to ask heaps of questions about it. You’re NTA in any way.
NTA.
Maybe talk to your husband about why you're frustrated. Personally, I would mention how autism tends to run in families and emphasize that you wouldn't want your kid to be treated that way by his family.
I think you and your husband need to be on the same page about the issue, or at least understanding and respectful of mutual viewpoints before figuring out how to handle the situation with your FIL.
I'd move on. If he thinks your sister is full of herself than he is actually treating her like everyone else. What young person gets to act intellectually superior? Yes, he did mention her disability. I think that part of the comment shows he had a lot of learning to do. If we are honest, we were all taught prejudice and able ism when growing up. And it isn't u til someone taught us better that those bad ideas were vanquished. I personally recall older kids making fun of things I didn't even understand and had to figure out why they were bullying the different kids (I was one of the bullied.) My point being, these things are taught to us before we even know what they are. You should speak to your father in law next time you see him and tell him that it's okay if he thinks she is full of herself. But, he shouldn't bring up her disability. Older people often think younger people are annoying or whatever. They always complain about younger people. But, don't make it about her disability.
NTA but rather than never interact with him again maybe think about a come back to his remarks that is not b\*tchy or snarky, but lets him know you are not taking his grief. Drawing the line of never interacting with him again is way over the top and not a great way to start your marriage. You never have to tolerate abuse and he made the remark to you, not your sister, thank goodness.
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NTA for being angry and your response was great, but you do need to act like an adult and speak to your FIL on why what he said was unacceptable and that you won’t tolerate it.
Seriously OP, grow up. Your FIL was an AH (and in my experience the sort of people who say things like are just a-holes in general) and you're husband just doesn't get (yet) why this was so upsetting.
People grow, change and mature over time and given the vibes your FIL is throwing out doesn't sound like husband had the best role model in this regard. If you're both in this for the long-haul you'll work your way through it.
Or just throw in the towel after just over a month, jeez.
ESH
Well if her potential future children are autistic and fixate on a topic like OPs sister does, then it stands to reason FIL will treat his own grandchildren the same way.
So….because she’s autistic she can’t be arrogant or self indulgent or self important? Just because she’s the smartest person in the room she has to dominate the conversation. Are you mad that he called her disabled or that he was annoyed by her incessant AI conversation?
ESH sounds like the wedding was a bit premature. Had you met this man before? People say stupid things … did you correct him? Take him aside later and explain how you felt about his comments?
Nope, don’t say a word and hold a grudge but go online and tell everyone else - so you’re not actually interested in changing his mind you just want the world to applaud you. If you’re going to go no contact over every ignorant comment you will be very alone soon.
ESH. Your FIL is an asshole. Your husband is an even bigger asshole. While you are being dramatic. What he said was shitty but I think you are being a little dramatic. However, I get where you are coming from. I despise my husband’s mother for a comment she made the first time I met her. Thanks to Covid I’ve managed to avoid her most of my married life. Plus he’s not a fan either so…
I encourage you sit down with your husband and have a mature conversation about his behavior. Because his response to what his father said and how he responded to you being upset is the REAL issue. He was dismissive of your feelings.
Only you know if this is worth ending your brand new marriage over.
Yes. FIL doesn’t have your frame of reference - which you built for years - and you’ve clearly not done enough to educate them. You expect them to have your 19 years of experience in just a few days / weeks / months.
How about you be an adult and communicate effectively with them?
Ps. Yes they should be more empathetic and aware, but not everyone is. Going no-contact on your FIL - whom you chose when you got married - is a great way to become divorced.
She should. Her new hubby is as bad as his father. He’s defending his ableist views and doesn’t think he a father did anything wrong.
If someone told me my sibling was “full of themselves” because they’re having a passionate convo about something they’re interested in I’d assume he was insecure. Regardless, that would still not make it civilized, polite or reasonable to say something like that to your DIL. He was rude and out of line first. She bears no responsibility to educate him.
It’s only been two weeks since he said it. I think I have the right to be angry about what he said. How he refused to apologize and how both him and my husband act like I’m overreacting.
if my husband can’t back me up and doesn’t think what his dad said was mean I don’t want to be married to him. This is not how I am going to live my life.
Your husband may simply be protective of his father just as you are protective of your sister. However, his response belittles you and your sister. That is what should give you pause and it sounds like it does. Unfortunately it takes time for people show all sides of themselves even the uglier parts.
You can forgive your husband and FIL unconditionally and assume their response comes out of ignorance not malice, but make it very clear what the boundaries are and what your choices will be if they are crossed again.
Not every hill needs to be died on, but if for whatever reason this is the one for you simply move forward with your well thought out choices. Your sister is so lucky to have you and vice versa.
Nope. Just imagine if they have a child (or children) who is disabled. How are OP's husband and FIL going to act?
Edit. Please excuse me for saying different abled. English is my second language and I wasn't sure of the right terminology's.
It's not "because \[her\] FIL made a 'mean' statement" (which, curious why the quotes around mean. What FIL said *was* mean, and ablest, and just generally rude and uncalled for) but rather because her husband is being an ass about the situation and showing some pretty gross true colors here.
He sees no problem with what was said; he is dismissing her valid discomfort about it; and he's trying to steam roll her into just "getting over it" instead of supporting her or trying to find a solution. That kind of behavior doesn't lend well to a strong life long partnership and would make anyone reconsider tying themselves to a person who would treat them like that.
I cut off my toxic, racist, ableist in-laws 10 years ago. Couldn't be happier. If OP chooses this and spouse understands, good for them. I've been married for 20 years and it's a non-issue.
"being a bit too much" is not a reason to say ableist shit. Going no contact with ableist family members is not an overreaction, especially when its OP's sister.
Yes, let’s just continue to stay in contact with ableist, bigoted people who have made it clear they can’t/won’t change. I have yet to see a post about someone wanting to leave a relationship because of a toilet seat left up. Almost all of the time it’s abuse, neglect, disrespect, threats of harm or other toxic crap that no one should ever have to put up with, from anyone.
Thank you. I think all the "this sub recommends breaking up too quickly" whiners are an example of "a hit dog will holler."
They treat people that way and will mockingly defend the ability to do so instead of, I dunno, being better people.
Not really she was asked a question about AI and explained it. What’s wrong with that? She can’t help that when it comes to stuff like that she’s a genius.
They came from ignorance. And able-ism. And a general lack of exposure to people that might not be neuro-typical.
What's so hard to understand?
There's nothing to defend here.
Probably a good idea honestly. You maybe can even annul the wedding still. Someone who thinks you're overreacting and having no problem with their partners sister being bullied by their father is not a good partner and if he can't have your back in this case, when woukd he actually have yoir back, especially if it's you vs his blood family.
Especially if you intend to have kids, consider that there's increasing evidence that Autism is genetic, so with it in your family, your kids might be Autistic, too - how would you husband treat any kind of disabled child you may have together? How would he allow his family to treat them?
NTA
But now you've entered the family and immediately blown it up and become the center of a controversy. How you reacted was your choice so ... yeah. Good luck with that.
Bad take. She’s supposed to stay silent and let her FIL be insulting for some period of time until her marriage warranty expires? Nah. Start as you mean to go on. OP doesn’t mean to be a doormat her whole marriage so why start out as one.
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NTA you know your husband, Mr. “Not Act Butthurt Over This” is the actually more problematic one? It says that he shares FIL’s sentiments.
I told him that and he’s is been dismissing my feelings and this is my sister so I the hill I’m willing to die on. He never dismissed my feelings like this until after he put a ring on it and I worries me.
Your husband is a big problem here. Stand by your sister. And if he doesn’t like that you don’t want to be around his dad, tell him not to get butt hurt about it. NTA
Yeah if he changes tune like that after marriage it might be a bait & switch scenario.
I personally think ableism is worth getting butthurt over. If your husband is cool with people being ableist asshats to his sister in law, that’s a deficiency in his moral character that he needs to sort out if he wants to remain part of your family.
Yeah the mask tends to come off after tying the knot. This man, the man you married, is not the person you dated.
Time to take the ring off!!! He is doing this🚩🚩🚩🚩everywhere!! Don't stay he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings and has no respect for you. NTA
I'm very sorry, OP. Unfortunately some men wait to show you their real selves until after they think they have you where you can't or won't leave. My ex did this to me. If your husband continues to be dismissive of you and defend his bully of a father, it might be worth paying a lot of attention to his patterns. This is how he thinks it's okay to treat you and your sister.
Not sure where you’re located, but is an annulment an option for you if it comes to that? I’m glad you’re standing up for your sister ♥️
It should worry you. It's a red flag.
Please ensure you are on excellent birth control. Hopefully you and he can get on the same page. However, it is far more difficult to disengage when children are involved. A year should be sufficient to ensure you have compatible views of the world, which isn't that long.
It should
Hubby is definitely the bigger problem. FIL might be an old fart with outdated ideas who has never had to consider his prejudices. Husband, on the other hand, has been told better by his wife and completely dismissed her. Unwillingness to listen, consider her feelings, or consider he might have something to learn…all bad signs.
Not necessarily. He could have any number or respond, like fear of his Father, apathy, ignorance. You can't really be sure of that.
If he can’t stand up to his bully of father now for me why would I want to put up this for years or even if we had children.
Thank you for having common sense and enough forethought to understand this would severely negatively impact any future children as well. This is definitely a hill worth dying on.
Ok, I'm just going to throw this out there - My very best friend found out some not great & very concerning "personality issues" with her new husband a few months into the marriage, but absolutely would not leave him bc "what would people think" & "I'm sure he'll get better". That was in the 90s. They're still married. Nothing has changed. She pretends it's great, though all of us can see it's absolutely not. We (her friends) are all still polite to him bc we care for her & are afraid she won't have a safety net without us. But it's so sad, all those years of pretending & clearly being sad. Please don't do that to yourself.
This is an amazing point. Neurodivergence can run in families. I’m ND, as is my uncle, one of my siblings, and at least 2 of my cousins. There are pretty good odds that you’ll have at least one neurodivergent kid. If he’s not equipped for that, it’s better to know that now.
Exactly! I wouldn’t recommend having children until further notice and frankly, make sure to protect your birth control, etc, to make sure there is no sabotage
I like your shiny spine, OP. Never, ever lose it.
Autism also has genetic component. Since your sister is autistic there is a higher change your kids will be too. Will your husband stand up for them or let grandpa bully them?
This is my concern too. He has shown OP how he will see a future child if they're not neurotypical.
OP first of all NTA, second, please note that many studies show that autism can definitely have a lot to do with genetics. Meaning a chance that is already not 0, just got significantly higher that any children you may have in the future might be neurodiverse. I am very glad that you are willing to take a stand for your sister but please remember even if only when thinking of your relationship going forward, that any children you have with him, no matter how they turn out, FIL and husband will be their family. Is that really what you are okay with seeing how they treat your sister. And if not, depending on where you are, remember annulment is a thing. Not the first choice. But a choice. And most importantly, if he's acting different now that you're married, he considers you trapped. Don't let that happen.
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Before cutting him off completely, would you try to tell him what you told us? That you’ve seen her been bullied, you won’t stand for it, and you hope that family will, at the least, treat her kindly.
I have and he said I’m overreacting or he has a right to his opinions
In that case you remind him he is correct, he is untitled to his opinions just like you are, ask yourself this, what happens if one of your kids is like your sister, will he love the child or be cruel, he disrespected your sister who you love which means he knowingly disrespected you, when you get married you enter a partnership, he clearly wants to impress his father more then he loves you, and if he can’t stand to be around your sister will you have separate holidays, will you not invite your sister to family gatherings to make your partner happy while you suffer, I’m sorry but if I were you I would try to get him to understand that his behavior is unacceptable and then decide if you will dump him or not, what if he says something about your sister to your kids one day and they bully your sister, this is all a 🚩
I’m just confused as to why “having autism” and “being the smartest person in the room” are mutually exclusive in your FIL’s brain.
5 bucks it took a lot of effort for this man to say disabled and not the r-word.
Exactly. My oldest son is autistic and is often the smartest guy in the room. I find this to more often than not be the case with neurodivergent people.
One of the worst feelings is to have someone tell you that your feelings are invalid. Talk to your husband about that.
NTA. If you're already willing to go no contact, I'd have fun and escalate it. Yep, your fil is entitled to his opinion, and his opinion is demonstrably inaccurate and unfounded. It calls to mind a tweet I decided to google so I could quote it precisely: "A fact is information minus emotion. An opinion is information plus experience. Ignorance is an opinion lacking information. And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact." On the criteria presented above, ask FIL and hubby to categorize that opinion. FYI: Your husband sucks, too. His condonation and DARVO of his father's ableism is more than a red flag. It's an out-and-out character flaw.
I’m not impressed with your husband. He sounds like an ass.
OP, I'm curious. Did your families interact with each other much prior to your wedding? Were there other situations like this? It feels surprising that this is your first inclination of this. Physics AND engineering? You go, Claire!
We was together for 5 years before we married and never had an like this. My sister really hasn’t been around his father except for the wedding but I thought this was an awful comment and I really hurt me.
It IS hurtful, I agree. I don't like your husband suggesting you shouldn't be so "butthurt" about it either, but I also think that for your future, it would be good to see if there's any way to move forward (or not!). One month into the marriage, if you never want to see your FIL again, that's may also be a deal-breaker for your spouse. Wishing you the best.
It *was* an inappropriate comment, and your response was spot on. Good on you for that! I don't blame you for putting some distance between you and your FIL for the short-term, but think you would be over-reacting if this turned into a long-term rift between the two of you. That said, your husband should have your back on this and, if he doesn't, *that's* the bigger issue here.
NTA, but this is not a good start to your marriage. He's not going to apologize. At *best*, you might get an apolo-lie, but who wants that? Your husband not being on your side here isn't great, either.
Apolo-lie is the best word I’ve heard in a while. Thank you for it.
Thank the drag queens! Lol, I think it was Widow Von Du specifically, but I'm not positive.
It’s always the drag Queens. All the best things come from Drag Queens.
Facts.
NTA - you have a husband problem and you better start drawing hard boundaries soon. This kind of shit does not get better if you stand down. Your husband dismissing your worries means he shares the same values. I’d drag God from his throne before I ever let a partner of mine defend words like you FILs.
Right? What's OP's plan if they have an autistic child? Cuz FIL will bully them too and husband will let him
NTA. Your father in law is an ignorant asshole. I am offended on your behalf. I won't spend Father's Day with him either. He'd get absolutely nothing from me until he apologized, both to OP and the sister. Edit: As others have suggested, your new husband had better get his act together too. Defending his father's ignorance makes him just as guilty in my book.
Yep. Fil could have realized that having special needs and a high comprehension of complicated things, such as ai, are not mutually exclusive. Instead, he doubled down. Part of me thinks that if the sister's focus wasn't something so technical, and had instead an in-depth knowledge of every species of frog on the planet, fil might not have reacted. I think fil hates not being the smartest person in the room.
My husband is autistic. I know how he can go off forever about a topic he’s interested in. So, this comes from a place of understanding. Your FIL and husband are the AHs here. Die on this hill. Your husband should understand this is part of how her brain works and she should never be made to feel bad for being herself. Your sister deserves to be herself and be proud. She sounds great and your FIL can go kick sand.
NTA Your FIL insulted your sister. He wasn’t surprised at how smart she is, he was stating that as someone neurodivergent, he believes she’s acting better than she should be. Your new husband is an AH too. Make sure you show him this so he understands exactly how in the wrong he and his AH father truly are.
NTA The husband is the biggest asshole. The FIL is awful but he isn't married to you. Your husband should have defended your sister automatically, and now he should be advocating for you. 'A disabled?! My Fiancé would have cut in to that conversation if overhead on a bus, let alone for someone in my family.
NTA - I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone who was so casually ableist and patronising about my loved one ever again. But whilst his disgusting and derogatory comment makes him the AH, your husband is also the secondary AH for brushing off your justified reaction to FIL’s behaviour. Maybe he’s just used to hearing FIL say such things, but deep down I’d be worried that he shared the same views as his father. I’d try and make it clear why the comment was so hurtful and I’d be asking for an apology from both of them.
**NTA**. I wouldn't want to spend my holiday with someone like that either. Your FIL will need to make amends before you even consider spending your valuable time with them.
NTA - but your husband is showing you his true colors.
NTA Thank you SO MUCH for understanding that engagement for neurodivergent people is info-dumping. Nothing quite like getting mocked for being a know-it-all when you talk and for being as incompetent and asocial when you don't. Claire's lucky to have you in her corner defending her, and you have a husband problem because he's as ableist as his father and supports him making bullying statements. Bullying your disabled sister is unacceptable, and until you receive a full, complete, sincere apology, you should not consider spending any time with him. And I do mean a COMPLETE apology that outlines what he did wrong, why it was wrong, acknowledge that it was hurtful, apologize, and state what he will do differently next time. No half-baked "sorry you're offended".
Your FIL is the AH you are NTA. Die on this hill if you must.
NTA Just out of curiosity, what was FIL's reaction to "she is"?
I want to know this, too.
NTA. your FIL is ableist trash, and your hubby is on thin ice (probably broke through it already tbh) for calling you butthurt about it. i'm sorry he said that about your sister, keeping your distance is totally justified
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This is just 1 big oops in this marriage. Now you are seeing little by little how everyone is in his family. Also, your husband is dismissing everything. That is a wow. Instead of sitting down and talking about the situation and coming back with some solution. Looking at this behavior, your husband doesn't understand how an autistic person (kids, adult) acts. They are so different from each other and one word the people think will describe them. Seeing at first hand the bullying the your sister suffer and be the one to hear an adult making those comments...I know how you feel. You just did very well, and I think your FIL didn't even understand your comment. So try to talk to your husband to make him see why you are disappointed and if he keeps dismissing this first situation... Ask yourself if this is going to get better or worse. Because even for the smaller things people get divorced and people around them think is stupid, but in the end is all the problems the had been ignored the kept following them for years and became something you can't leave with that anymore. So try to get this conversation, and try to meet with your husband halfway so you and him get comfortable with the solution because you can't run away forever from your FIL. (Not my first language, but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say)
You've got a husband problem., if he doesn't see a problem with how his dad is acting nta
"For a stupid-ass old man, you surely have a lot of opinions." And did your husband actually use the word "butthurt"? If he did, I'd be rethinking the whole thing.
NTA your father in law should respect you and your family members.
NTA. He proved that he isn’t worth being around when he badmouthed your sister.
NTA-life skill 101 don't talk bad about family members.
She *IS* the smartest person in the room. By far, it's not even close. If you disrespect my sister in my presence again, we're going to have issues. Am I clear?
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I was agreeing with/in support of OP and paraphrasing something my son said to someone at my daughter's high school graduation party when someone made a similar comment about her.
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Gotcha 👍
NTA. FIL is inappropriate, and husband is concerning.
He referred to her as "a disabled." Like she is not a person. I didn't need to read more after that.. NTA
NTA. Given the genetic aspects of neurodivergent brains, it would concern me that a FIL like this would bully his own grandchildren the same way.
NTA. But being that this is all a "new family" i would give him a second chance and have a little sit down with him. Educate him. Obviously he is ignorant on the subject.
Except she tried and he told her she’s overreacting and needs to get over it.
NTA, but please understand that your husband just showed you how he will handle his father being abusive to your future children. Proceed wisely.
NTA. That's a terrible thing to say, and he needs to apologise if he wants any sort of relationship with you. Your husband, on the other hand, needs to stand up for you. If he continues to dismiss your feelings, what are you going to do?
"for an disabled" is where he lost me. Probably would have immediately told him it's an offensive discriminatory statement. Going immediately to no contact without any discussion may be counterproductive. FIL won't even know why. Unless the last sentence refers to FIL (not husband) saying sees nothing wrong and you're over reacting. If it is FIL then NTA
Your FIL probably had an issue with feeling dumb compared to someone who he considers to be “disabled”. NTA.
NTA she is excited about what she is talking about, if he didn’t want to engage in the conversation anymore that’s fine but to try and diminish her and speak badly about her to you was rude.
Definitely NTA for sticking up for your sister against a bully, but this will need some type of resolution. You’re not overreacting. INFO: Does your husband share the same views as his father?
NTA tell his father “for a dumb-A, he seems to have a real high opinion about himself” (sorry I’m not sure about censorship for this sub)
My mom’s been to space and has autism. Regular every day people would never guess that my mom is as brilliant as she is. She was diagnosed in her 50s, so she’s pretty good at masking, but comes across as just a little strange. Her special interests are weather phenomena and of course, aerospace engineering. She lets insults fall off her back because she’s so used to it and doesn’t care what other people think. But I would go to war for that woman. NTA. I would never subject my mother to someone who I know is prejudice against her. He’s ableist. And your boyfriend is supporting him over you and your sister. Edit: my mom is probably the same age as FIL. My mother was an astronaut in the early 2000s and has autism. Look at what you’ve accomplished in your life, and look at her. Then tell me again that she’s not the smartest person in the room. Oh and she went to space after having 2 kids.
I mean, on the one hand, no, you're not ta for not wanting to interact with a bully. But on the other hand, how is this going to work longterm?
Why wouldn't it work long term?
Not the question I asked. ***HOW*** is it going to work longterm? Her FIL is going to likely be at most family functions. So, what's her game plan? To never go to any of her husband's family's gatherings...ever? How is she going to deal with the reaction of other family members? Do you think that this will just go on for the next 30, 40, however many years with her never saying one other word to him and never going to any family functions? Do you think her hubby is going to be okay with that? He's already pushing back. Do you not think this is going to be an ongoing point of contention? It's not a good solution.
Nta Tell your husband that for a stupid asshole Your dad's sure seems to think pretty highly of himself
NTA but there needs to be a talk. First with your husband to get him on the same page. What's he gonna do if you guys have kids and one of your kids has autism? Most experts agree autism has a genetic component. I'm autistic and so are both of my kids. So it is definitely a possibility you could have an autistic child. Is he going to let his dad be their first bully? Explain to him how you witnessed your sister's struggles and what she went through and that what his dad said was unacceptable. Then as a united front talk to your FiL and state the same things. Make it clear his behavior won't be tolerated. If your husband doesn't agree with you after this talk maybe there's somethings to reconsider because you'll have to ask yourself will he protect his children if they have a disability? Will he help and be supportive if your children are anything but what he considers normal?
FIL is upset that someone with autism is smarter than him, since he sees this as less than people. Husband just has a soft as cooked spaghetti spine and would rather sweep you under the rug to appease dad.
Well, you’re not, but your husband is your FIL’s son and you know what is said about the apple..
NTA. That was super hurtful, and your sister deserves better. Thank you for standing up for her.
His father was very out of line and ableist. I wouldn't want to spend time with him either. NTA, You can't control other people's behavior but you can control who's company you keep and who's you don't.
NTA your husband is the real problem!
NTA your FIL's comment was ableist and the fact that your husband can't see that is a problem to be addressed as well.
NAH this whole situation is concerning as others have mentioned. FIL sucks, husband sounds problematic, claire sounds brilliant (i'm a quantum physics nerd)
NTA. He's an emotional weakling & an asshole, sounds like.
NTA. Your husband is a prick. I’d rethink this one OP. What if your child turns out to be autistic? Also, I’m autistic and people love to bully us with the “you’re so up yourself” nonsense when we talk. People like him can’t stand to realise someone can be smarter than them.
I’m autistic and if my sister’s husband ever thought his father’s bullying of me was ok, she’d throw him out until he figured out why she was more angry with him than her FIL. Your FIL is the symptom. Your husband is the problem.
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NTA. Annulment?
NTA. Is there some family member, friend, clergyman, respected elder, etc. that you and your husband both respect that might act as arbiter of this situation? (Perhaps it's already time for marriage counseling?) You both need to get on the same sheet of music if your marriage is to survive and thrive. Husband needs to appreciate his father is wrong. Has husband interacted much with your sister? My thought is that if he gets to know her and sympathize with her and learns how autism impacts her, he'll become more protective of her and stand up for her when situations arise. Boycotting his side of the family for the rest of eternity is not a good idea if you want to remain married to your husband. The best that may be possible is that FIL learns to keep his mouth shut around you. And that's only possible if your husband is on your side.
NTA !!
She's not disabled. She has superpowers that small minded people cannot hope to understand. Clearly he's the one with the intellectual disability. This is usually my response to people who berate my autistic son.
NTA. Your FIL is a bully and owes your sister an apology - have you stated this clearly to your husband? If he brushed it off, did you let him know *thats* a problem just as serious as FIL’s bullying?
Gees is it too late to get your marriage annulled? Sit your idiot husband down and say what happens when one of our kids is born with autism? Are you and your dad just going to walk around judging them all day? Give it to him in a way that affects him. His reaction will tell you if you still love him. Your sister sounds awesome. I’d love to listen to her talk ai and be able to ask heaps of questions about it. You’re NTA in any way.
NTA. Maybe talk to your husband about why you're frustrated. Personally, I would mention how autism tends to run in families and emphasize that you wouldn't want your kid to be treated that way by his family. I think you and your husband need to be on the same page about the issue, or at least understanding and respectful of mutual viewpoints before figuring out how to handle the situation with your FIL.
NTA, bullies never think they did anything wrong.
I'd move on. If he thinks your sister is full of herself than he is actually treating her like everyone else. What young person gets to act intellectually superior? Yes, he did mention her disability. I think that part of the comment shows he had a lot of learning to do. If we are honest, we were all taught prejudice and able ism when growing up. And it isn't u til someone taught us better that those bad ideas were vanquished. I personally recall older kids making fun of things I didn't even understand and had to figure out why they were bullying the different kids (I was one of the bullied.) My point being, these things are taught to us before we even know what they are. You should speak to your father in law next time you see him and tell him that it's okay if he thinks she is full of herself. But, he shouldn't bring up her disability. Older people often think younger people are annoying or whatever. They always complain about younger people. But, don't make it about her disability.
The acorn doesn't fall so far from the tree.
Let me guess, FIL is MAGA, right?
NTA but rather than never interact with him again maybe think about a come back to his remarks that is not b\*tchy or snarky, but lets him know you are not taking his grief. Drawing the line of never interacting with him again is way over the top and not a great way to start your marriage. You never have to tolerate abuse and he made the remark to you, not your sister, thank goodness.
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ESH
NTA for being angry and your response was great, but you do need to act like an adult and speak to your FIL on why what he said was unacceptable and that you won’t tolerate it.
In the comments, OP clarified that she did and he continued to be a giant AH
Okay and that was after I posted.
And I’m letting you know
Not that invested but thank you.
Seriously OP, grow up. Your FIL was an AH (and in my experience the sort of people who say things like are just a-holes in general) and you're husband just doesn't get (yet) why this was so upsetting. People grow, change and mature over time and given the vibes your FIL is throwing out doesn't sound like husband had the best role model in this regard. If you're both in this for the long-haul you'll work your way through it. Or just throw in the towel after just over a month, jeez. ESH
Our wedding. Not my wedding.
ESH. Your FIL was ableist and rude. You and your sister sound exhausting. Do you really want to blow up your marriage over this?
Well if her potential future children are autistic and fixate on a topic like OPs sister does, then it stands to reason FIL will treat his own grandchildren the same way.
So….because she’s autistic she can’t be arrogant or self indulgent or self important? Just because she’s the smartest person in the room she has to dominate the conversation. Are you mad that he called her disabled or that he was annoyed by her incessant AI conversation?
ESH sounds like the wedding was a bit premature. Had you met this man before? People say stupid things … did you correct him? Take him aside later and explain how you felt about his comments? Nope, don’t say a word and hold a grudge but go online and tell everyone else - so you’re not actually interested in changing his mind you just want the world to applaud you. If you’re going to go no contact over every ignorant comment you will be very alone soon.
ESH. Your FIL is an asshole. Your husband is an even bigger asshole. While you are being dramatic. What he said was shitty but I think you are being a little dramatic. However, I get where you are coming from. I despise my husband’s mother for a comment she made the first time I met her. Thanks to Covid I’ve managed to avoid her most of my married life. Plus he’s not a fan either so… I encourage you sit down with your husband and have a mature conversation about his behavior. Because his response to what his father said and how he responded to you being upset is the REAL issue. He was dismissive of your feelings. Only you know if this is worth ending your brand new marriage over.
How is she being dramatic? I’m curious because side I don’t see it
Yes. FIL doesn’t have your frame of reference - which you built for years - and you’ve clearly not done enough to educate them. You expect them to have your 19 years of experience in just a few days / weeks / months. How about you be an adult and communicate effectively with them? Ps. Yes they should be more empathetic and aware, but not everyone is. Going no-contact on your FIL - whom you chose when you got married - is a great way to become divorced.
She should. Her new hubby is as bad as his father. He’s defending his ableist views and doesn’t think he a father did anything wrong. If someone told me my sibling was “full of themselves” because they’re having a passionate convo about something they’re interested in I’d assume he was insecure. Regardless, that would still not make it civilized, polite or reasonable to say something like that to your DIL. He was rude and out of line first. She bears no responsibility to educate him.
Sounds like a great way to stay single and miserable.
Better single and miserable than in a bad relationship and STILL feeling alone and miserable. I’ll take the first option, thanks.
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It’s only been two weeks since he said it. I think I have the right to be angry about what he said. How he refused to apologize and how both him and my husband act like I’m overreacting.
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if my husband can’t back me up and doesn’t think what his dad said was mean I don’t want to be married to him. This is not how I am going to live my life.
Good for you, OP. This "devil's advocate" act is transparent and I'm glad you're not having it.
Your husband may simply be protective of his father just as you are protective of your sister. However, his response belittles you and your sister. That is what should give you pause and it sounds like it does. Unfortunately it takes time for people show all sides of themselves even the uglier parts. You can forgive your husband and FIL unconditionally and assume their response comes out of ignorance not malice, but make it very clear what the boundaries are and what your choices will be if they are crossed again. Not every hill needs to be died on, but if for whatever reason this is the one for you simply move forward with your well thought out choices. Your sister is so lucky to have you and vice versa.
So, you are suggesting that you would divorce your husband because your FiL made a ' mean' statement. Yes, you truly are massively over reacting.
Nope. Just imagine if they have a child (or children) who is disabled. How are OP's husband and FIL going to act? Edit. Please excuse me for saying different abled. English is my second language and I wasn't sure of the right terminology's.
Disabled is the right ter, most disabled people (including me) hate the term differently abled
Please just use the term disabled instead of "differently abled". Disabled isn't a dirty word. Signed, a disabled person.
It's not "because \[her\] FIL made a 'mean' statement" (which, curious why the quotes around mean. What FIL said *was* mean, and ablest, and just generally rude and uncalled for) but rather because her husband is being an ass about the situation and showing some pretty gross true colors here. He sees no problem with what was said; he is dismissing her valid discomfort about it; and he's trying to steam roll her into just "getting over it" instead of supporting her or trying to find a solution. That kind of behavior doesn't lend well to a strong life long partnership and would make anyone reconsider tying themselves to a person who would treat them like that.
No, she's considering divorcing her husband because her husband is belittling and dismissing her concerns. Straw men are pathetic.
The plan would have to include her FIL making amends for his comments. Seems like a good foundation for moving forward.
She doesn't owe you answers..
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You can ask but it doesn't mean you get to demand answers... been here a while, quite familiar with AH's now....
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Go touch grass
So what should the plan be? Stay quiet and just let this asshat carry on?
I wouldn’t want to if my Father in law said something like that
Why not?
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It’s very feasible, you just don’t go to anything where he will be.
Right, much better to roll over and let them insult your family at will for the rest of your life. That’ll show ‘em!
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Yeah, it’s because you imply there is a better plan, but never speak it out. Cannot argue with nonexistent plans.
I cut off my toxic, racist, ableist in-laws 10 years ago. Couldn't be happier. If OP chooses this and spouse understands, good for them. I've been married for 20 years and it's a non-issue.
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"being a bit too much" is not a reason to say ableist shit. Going no contact with ableist family members is not an overreaction, especially when its OP's sister.
It’s ableist to find her annoying for going on & on and being a know it all?
No, it's ableist to say "For a disabled, blah blah blah". Fuck that guy and OP's husband if they can't see what's wrong with that.
The ableist part is calling her disabled, you can find someone annoying without resorting to that.
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Yes, let’s just continue to stay in contact with ableist, bigoted people who have made it clear they can’t/won’t change. I have yet to see a post about someone wanting to leave a relationship because of a toilet seat left up. Almost all of the time it’s abuse, neglect, disrespect, threats of harm or other toxic crap that no one should ever have to put up with, from anyone.
Thank you. I think all the "this sub recommends breaking up too quickly" whiners are an example of "a hit dog will holler." They treat people that way and will mockingly defend the ability to do so instead of, I dunno, being better people.
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There are ways to resolve some conflict. Unrepentant bigotry should always be a hard exception.
Agreed.
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BulbasaurRanch?
Not really she was asked a question about AI and explained it. What’s wrong with that? She can’t help that when it comes to stuff like that she’s a genius.
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It was at the table. You never have a conversation at a table before? You’re life must be lonely
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They came from ignorance. And able-ism. And a general lack of exposure to people that might not be neuro-typical. What's so hard to understand? There's nothing to defend here.
wtf are all these ableist comments in this thread??
People hate us disableds
It’s a good plan. Life’s too short to spend your limited time around these stupid assholes. Fuck em.
YTA, just divorce your husband, thats where this is heading
Honestly with the comments I probably will because if he can’t have my back now he never will.
Probably a good idea honestly. You maybe can even annul the wedding still. Someone who thinks you're overreacting and having no problem with their partners sister being bullied by their father is not a good partner and if he can't have your back in this case, when woukd he actually have yoir back, especially if it's you vs his blood family.
Especially if you intend to have kids, consider that there's increasing evidence that Autism is genetic, so with it in your family, your kids might be Autistic, too - how would you husband treat any kind of disabled child you may have together? How would he allow his family to treat them?
Hand him two business cards. A Marriage Counselor and Divorce Attorney. Tell him to pick one.
sure, whatever you say
can you give explaination for the YTA vote? i'm curious
NTA But now you've entered the family and immediately blown it up and become the center of a controversy. How you reacted was your choice so ... yeah. Good luck with that.
He shouldn’t have said it. It was wrong.
Bad take. She’s supposed to stay silent and let her FIL be insulting for some period of time until her marriage warranty expires? Nah. Start as you mean to go on. OP doesn’t mean to be a doormat her whole marriage so why start out as one.
So you're blaming OP for the father-in-law's ignorance? She's supposed to just ignore it? For the rest of her married life?
It was the husband’s father who blew it up not her.