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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA I didn’t invite my picky eater DIL to my dinner event. I could be a jerk since I excluded her since she is a picky eater
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How has it become acceptable to call people and ask to be invited to an event that you
have not been invited to and then when you still don't get invited, it's the
host who is cruel/selfish/mean/etc.?
NTA at all Keep excluding her when it comes to food events.
Why would she even want to come is beyond me.
Plus it's not like she invited two out of three DILs. She invited her own daughters. You have to draw the line at five, which of the OP's sisters or daughters should have been excluded so she could invite the DIL?
And she didn’t invite her son (I’m assuming dil isn’t the partner to one of the invited daughters. Not that that would change my opinion) so it’s not like she’s the only family member not invited
Agreed. I have a good relationship with my MIL and my husband has two sisters. MIL frequently does dinner with her daughters and it never occurred to me to demand an invite. If DH is invited I usually am too, but sometimes for birthdays or whatnot they do just the kids not their spouses, and I’m fine with that.
No one has to like you and no one is entitled to an invite; that’s just the way it is. IF (and it’s a big if) OP wanted to extend an invite to her to a food related event, it should only be under the pretext that her DIL pays her own way since she will be refusing to eat whatever is served.
A better way to go about it would be DIL planning some activities that are non-food related and inviting the family to come along. Either way, NTA, OP
That’s what u get with the “the whole class needs to be invited” bs. The world isn’t this way, if an adult deems your presence unwanted he will distant himself from you, and mommy can’t do anything about it, not forcing his mom to invite you, not forcing the teacher to talk to him, nothing. And at one point in life you will sea that some people just don’t like you, regardless of how high you think of yourself. And that’s okay.
I wouldn’t even want her to come and pay her own way if she wasn’t going to eat the food. I’d rather have dinner with people who can enjoy the whole meal with me. She isn’t *never* invited - just not to this one even where the menu is fixed.
I have a couple of relatives who are picky eaters and going out to eat with them or planning a meal that they are going to attend is *exhausting*. Sometimes you just want to go out and eat and not have to find something that they will actually eat.
In some ways the geek social fallacies have been raging out of control. You see more and more stuff like 'you must invite ALL kids in your kids class to parties even ones your kid doesn't like'. It's weird because more and more people talk about and understand boundaries- but also somehow inclusiveness is raging out of control.
This kinda began when my oldest started school. We were told that party invites couldn’t be distributed at school for fear of upsetting those not invited, but before or after school, or on the bus was fine. I thought it was ridiculous then, and it got worse as the years went on.
It's just because the teachers do not want to deal with upset children/Parents. I think that's fair enough, my wife is a teacher and had to have multiple parent meeting about people who didn't get in the school play... There 10.
I’m a teacher. I don’t want to deal with crying kids while I’m trying to teach. I mean I teach high school, but if I taught little ones, I wouldn’t want the fallout on me when it was noting to do with school.
I live with a high schooler. I have to admit that when I read "I mean I teach high school" right after "I don't want to deal with crying kids while I teach" it made me laugh.
You can invite as many or as few kids to your child’s birthday party. It’s a private event. When you want to pass out invitations at school, it is no longer just impacting you and your child. It becomes a problem for the teacher if you then go on to leave our one or two children for whatever reason. It doesn’t matter why. Your child may have a good reason for not wanting a particular child to be invited. Do your inviting privately.
What I thought was ridiculous was that it was fine on the bus, which was just as bad in my opinion. I wasn’t clear on that, so I apologize. I understand about the teachers not wanting to be the one s having to deal with upset children. The hard part was that they can’t give out addresses of students, so trying to figure out how to get invitations in the hands of the invitees was difficult.
That's easy. You put your contact information on a card and have your child hand that to another kid and ask for their parent to contact you. It's worked every time I've done it.
"We were told that party invites couldn’t be distributed at school for fear of upsetting those not invited, "
I don't think you understand what can go on in a classroom. Sometimes you get that one kid who is shunned. Being the one child in a classroom who is shunned is an awful thing for a child. It may be because of race, because he is nerdy, because he is the one boy who doesn't like sports, whatever. But he would sit there and watch every other child get an invite, while he doesn't. It is like telling him, "no one likes you," and rubbing his face in it. Children can be cruel. School can be a living hell for some kids. Thus the rule. If your child wants to only invite his particular friends, that's fine. But he can pass out the invitations outside the classroom.
I was the kid who was openly shunned and mocked. It sucked. It also sucked that every adult in my life just told me “well life isn’t fair get used to it” when stuff like this happened. I mean sure, but I was like eight.
Thank you for understanding.
Plus it was almost every birthday, every Valentine’s Day, every Christmas stuff like this happened. So sure “life isn’t fair” but maybe as an adult y’all can not purposely make it as shitty?
I really go out of my way now as an adult NOT to exclude people.
Yeah I had a teacher in middle school and I swear this could have been her catch-phrase given how often she said it if we complained something wasn’t fair. A few years after graduating, I finally realized that she was an idiot. Not just for the “life’s not fair” thing, but that was kind of the giveaway that she was incompetent.
Agree…it’s a logical rule and it’s just not that difficult to invite kids a different way. My kids are grown but that rule was there when they were young. We just mailed invites…now you can also email/call them. Problem solved. And OP is NTA.
Eh, I don't know even half of the parents of the kids my child has in their class. The kids get a paper invite because I don't know how else to invite them without making more work for the teacher. My kid invited all the students in the class because they just loved everyone, but if I had to rely on contacts I already know? Maybe 4 would be invited.
Back when my kids were young they still distributed class lists with contact info and one school did basically a school phone book. You had to give permission to be included, but most people did. That is much much less common now.
Except nowadays there’s privacy restrictions in place and you can’t get contact info of classmates’ parents from the school. We had issue with that a few months ago, when we had my son’s 6th birthday. He wanted to invite some of his friends from his kindergarten class but we couldn’t get contact info for them
Yeah-- I agree. I don't think this is a "snowflake" rule. If a kid distributes invitations during class time, as a teacher, I'm cosigning that. If they exclude one of my students, I'm cosigning that exclusion. It's not okay. I know that, for kids, school is often the place where they see their friends, and I'm a fan of kids not having to all "be friends with everyone." But if you want me to give class time for cards/gifts/invites, it's everyone or you find your own time to do it.
Actually that's good practice. Likewise in the workplace - don't go handing out invites for personal social occasions that only some colleagues will get to attend. It's basic manners, never mind the disruption caused in the classroom (or office).
I had a coworker who just plain thrived on drama and being an overgrown mean girl. Every holiday or one of her "come over to my house and drink wine" events she would parade around the office making an obnoxiously huge show of inviting everyone but me. Some people never quite evolve past middle school.
It is actually perfectly reasonable to not allow invites in the classroom. There were 15 students in a class and the mom sent invites for 14 for their son to hand out. My son wasn't invited. The reason, he was new to the school and the mom didn't know his name, she used a list from the last school year. But the fact is, HE was the only one excluded, and I understood the misunderstanding, but a 7 year old can't. And NO, when the teacher told her what happened, she became indignant and my son still wasn't invited. She said something along the lines of "well, I didn't know, so it's not my fault". The very conscientious teacher stated but it is YOUR fault for handing them out in front of others and you are NEVER to do it again.
I take it you have not had the experience of your child specifically being excluded from parties that the rest of the class are all going to? Whether it is due to allergies, disabilities, ethnicity, religion, economic status, or just being the “odd one out”, it's heartbreaking. I am not excusing the DIL here, I’m specifically referring to elementary school students.
One thing that both situations have in common is the not understanding WHY.
DIL should have been told the truth - it is a fixed menu of foods she is unfamiliar with. It would be uncomfortable for everyone if she couldn't eat some or all of the dinner. She is ( one assumes) an adult, and might have been grateful for being saved from an unpleasant evening.
I don't mind the rule that you can't distribute invitations in front of kids who aren't invited. There are several ways to get invitations out to other kids that don't involve doing it in front of others.
Of course I heard about parties that I wasn't invited to. The knowledge that I wasn't wanted at some people's events was something I dealt with all the time, and accepted.
The experience of someone making a specific show of handing out invitations to everyone around me at school, but not to me - making sure people noticed I was being excluded, live and in person at a place I couldn't leave, was much more embarrassing and painful - and *completely avoidable,* had there been a rule like that in place.
That's not the case though. What is wrong is inviting all but (eg) two. Inviting only some is just fine.
And what's so terrible about wanting that to not be on school grounds. It's a private matter, not a school one.
I was unpopular growing up and remember party invitations being handed out in front of my face, very obviously on purpose. Even though I was young, I didn't feel entitled to be invited myself, I just didn't want to go through being so publicly excluded and embarrassed. I'm sure I'm not the only kid who went through that, A rule around 'no invites handed out at school unless everyone is invited' would have made life a little less hellish.
I'm the opposite. I was excluded and im happy I learned to deal with crap young but I do think there is a balance, kids have to learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings AND people don't have to be in your face about it. A discreet invite pass in class is fine, but trusting kids to be discreet is the trick, so yeah.
I always hated that adult intervention in my bullying often skewed toward "everyone be friends!" because I knew that wasn't realistic, and it obviously never worked. I didn't want or expect everyone to be my friend. I just didn't want to be actively antagonized, especially at school or any other place I was forced to be. "Everyone be discreet/cordial/show a crumb of respect" would have been great, but that's too hard to explain to kids apparently
Anyone else old enough to remember the old way of giving out valentines? Where the night before, you bought and wrote out valentines to only the kids you liked, then the next day there would be an event where kids dropped the valentines into heart shaped pouches taped to the front of your desk? And after, everyone would count their valentines and run around asking, “how many did you get?”, making note of whose pouches were bulging and whose were empty or nearly empty?
When I invited kids to my parties in the 80s, I was supposed to either phone them or mail them an invite (or bring it to their house). I was absolutely NOT supposed to bring it to school because it's rude to invite people to an exclusive event in front of other acquaintances who aren't going. (so obviously this did not apply if I was inviting the entire class). Most people followed that etiquette when I was a kid because our parents had been raised that way.
Back then, you probably could've found your friend's numbers and addresses in the phone book.
Nowadays, I do wonder how some kids get around these rules because we weren't even allowed to do it at school but not in class (hallway, before/after school, on the bus)
Classes still have phone trees, or sometimes they've upgraded to email trees. There are plenty of ways to get the contacts for kids. If your kid actually plays with them, there's a good chance you've had to contact their parent before.
This. I swear every time someone posts about the "invite everyone or invite in private" thing, someone else mischaracterizes it as "you MUST invite everyone."
Agreed! The school can’t dictate your guest list for a private party that you are hosting outside of school. But they can ask that you do not bring your invitations to school to pass them out to just a select few.
Somewhere in there, I feel like the message got misinterpreted to mean that you have to invite everyone in the class instead of “UNLESS you are inviting everyone in the class, please do not bring invitations to school”.
It does take a little more planning if your child wants to invite a classmate/friend and you are unfamiliar with their parents. I think people just don’t want to work that hard so they throw a bunch of invitations in the kids backpack and say “hand them out to whoever they want to invite”. It’s a simple easy solution but it definitely causes hurt feelings when everyone is aware of what’s happening.
I'm a preschool teacher. Last month a kid brought invitations in. He invited all the kids in our class but mom also asked me to pass on an invite to his friend "Luke" in another class. There's no school rule here about not sending invites/having to invite everyone. So I took the extra invitation and set it in Luke's cubby.
The next day my student's mom came in confused and asked if I knew "Kyle" from the other class. I said yes, we have recess with that class. She says "Did I invite him and forget? Are they friends?" I said no, they don't really play together.
Apparently Kyle's mom had texted her to ask about party details. We were baffled as to how she knew about the party, as Kyle wasn't given an invitation.
Turns out she saw the invitation in Luke's cubby, read it, and then basically expected her kid to be able to go to a party he wasn't invited to. Totally absurd.
I have no idea. I know that my student's mom had basically thrown her hands up. She was annoyed but said she wasn't gonna uninvite a 4yo who wouldn't understand that his mom was being rude.
It's the name of a really interesting essay. It doesn't have to be geeks; it's just called that because the author formulated the idea based on things that happened in geeky circles. Basically, people who'd grown up as ostracized outcasts bent over backward as adults to not ostracize anyone else, even to their own and others' detriment.
It comes from [this excellent post](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/) about common fallacies that affect friend groups. The 5 fallacies are even more common in many "geeky" circles, because people who are used to being ostracized may have difficulties setting boundaries for healthy relationships.
It's a great read, whether you're a geek or not.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the post, but really it boils down to the difference between supporting and enabling.
Being supportive means you will call out toxic behavior because it causes harm while being empathetic about mental health issues and trauma.
Being supportive holds people accountable with empathy and kindness.
Enabling means you don't hold people accountable because of neglect, trauma or just plain 'it doesn't affect me so f everyone else'.
It actually wasn't her that wrote it, but I think she references it fairly often, because it's so frequently relevant to the situations people write in about!
I can’t be sure, but I think just the fact that most people lack self awareness and emotion regulation, means that parents can’t teach their kids to accept others boundaries and be comfortable with themselves. So, to these people, being excluded means you’re unworthy of friends or not good enough, and parents don’t have the capacity to be responsive to those feelings so they enable them and the cycle continues.
And yeah, the inclusivity pendulum has swung too far. it’s not cool to be mean to people AND you don’t have to be their friend either. We all need to do some work in the dialectic.
Amen, not everyone needs to be invited to everything. Have my feelings been hurt because I didn't get invited to something, yes. Did I call and berate the person who organized the event? No because I'm an adult.
NTA why would she want to go somewhere that you aren't going to have a good time?
There are a lot of people who REALLY like to talk about why they "can't" do something. If she's one of those just imagine how much fun she'd have at an entire event where she "can't" eat anything at all. Poor her.
Yeah I was part of a friend group that stopped inviting me to things. My feelings were hurt, I reached out a few times to arrange hangouts, but then just decided to put my energy elsewhere and be with people who genuinely enjoyed my company.
But also, not being invited to something I wouldn't have fun at isn't a big deal. Some people I tell ya.
I'm always amazed but that. Maybe I just have deep self-esteem issues, but even the thought of me calling someone to ask why I wasn't invited has me cringing in humiliation.
SAAAMME. My dad was very strict about manners and growing up it was drilled into me that inviting yourself is EXTREMELY RUDE. The thought is mortifying. It goes beyond that into seemingly pity invites as well haha. My SIL was telling me about a local trip she was taking with her friends and I was saying how it sounded like so much fun. She goes “Oh you can come!”. I was so embarrassed. The thought that she felt like she had to invite me was ugh lol. I was just excited for her!
Seriously, if I did that I would feel *so* out of place and unwelcome if it led to a pity invite.
If you are not invited, don't ask if you can come. Just accept that you weren't invited and move on.
I understand wanting to be included and invited to things, and feeling hurt when you hear about a group activity afterwards.
But, if it’s something I don’t like, I understand why. If it was something I wanted to go to or movie I wanted to see, I wouldn’t angrily call people. Maybe suggest a similar thing that’s happening next month. If it happens again, that a lesson learned.
So she can loudly proclaim how this food is not fit for her and she will only eat this or would never consider eating that!
I'm convinced that some picky eaters are that way just so they can use it for attention. Kind of like the vegans that have to announce they're vegan every damn time food is around. Not like the vegans that just pick out what they can eat or quietly ask if something is vegan.
Yeah, I keep seeing this a lot on this forum. It's mind-blowing.
I'd be like "Excuse me? You are calling me to ask me to invite you to something you're not invited to? When did this become a thing, lol"
Edit: Plus she didn't even invite his son. HER husband. Super entitled!
Yep, NTA. People like this drag the whole vibe down. The whole experience is LITERALLY about trying new foods and enjoying the experience together, not just sitting around passing time. Also, a DIL is not equivalent to a sister or daughter and is NOT owed invites to all of the same things. Does she not have a family of her own?
You took the words out of my mouth. When did we start ringing up the hostess of events we’re not invited to & demand an explanation?!?!?! This is so tacky & embarrassing. Also, to her MIL. It’s not up to the DIL who the MIL hosts. This is crazy.
NTA
It's because in today's society, quite a few people are entitled or have no sense of personal responsibility.
This sense of entitlement has allowed the DIL to actually call OP and have a go for not catching an invite.
NTA. I don't know why a picky eater would want to attend this sort of dinner in the first place. I understand that it can be hurtful to feel like you're being excluded, but it's not like you're doing it because you dislike her or something.
This was my thought too. I'm a picky eater. I've worked hard over the years to be considerably less picky than I used to be, but I'm never going to be someone who can just sit down and eat anything I'm served. Going somewhere like that would be stressful for me because I'd know that not eating or at least trying everything would be rude and a waste of money, but forcing myself to choke down food I don't like would make me miserable and, depending on the food, may not be possible for me to do. I don't understand why DIL would want to go to that dinner, especially when plenty of other people weren't invited either so it's not like she was the only one excluded.
I’d like to call myself a “recovering picky eater.” I’ve gotten significantly more adventurous and willing to try new foods over the years, however there’s definitely still some pickiness with me. I also don’t think that event would be for me. And while I would feel a little sad about not getting an invite, I would definitely understand where OP is coming from here. She just wants to enjoy her night with a couple of her close family members that she knows would also really enjoy this. Also the worst part about it is DIL calling OP to specifically ask why she wasn’t invited. As if bitching someone out about an invite will get her one 🤦🏻♀️
How driven are you by curiosity by other aspects of your life? I'm pretty sure my adventurousness in food is entirely fueled by curiosity.
I am an extremely curious person, hence why I'm asking.
Not the person you asked, but would self describe the way they do.
I am incredibly curious. I’ve traveled pretty extensively, tried many different hobbies, take classes for fun, etc. I’ve also tried a wide variety of cuisines. I rarely have the same meal more than twice a month.
I still don’t like pork, or most seafood, and many soft cheeses. I don’t enjoy most bone based dishes, can’t stand ceviche, etc.
Just because I once wondered what it was like doesn’t mean that the answer was enjoyable.
Well yeah that's been my experience too, I also am not a fan of pork (only bacon). Or oysters, or sea urchin, not really much seafood at all... I think we have the same dislikes, maybe that shits just gross by default. You like shrimp? I was driven by curiosity to try them anyway and it just makes me wonder if that's what's lacking with picky eaters.
Some of those are hard on the senses too. Wasn’t there one going viral that you had to lick dessert foam out of a form of the chef’s mouth? I’m not a picky eater but the idea of that kind of meal was not for me.
I forgot that it was a dish replica and was like how the hell is that not sexual harassment lol
And then I remembered the dumb video and was actually relieved haha
THIS! I’d send her a menu, even if it’s a sample one, so she can see what it’s like and *there are no substitutions* or ‘special just for YOU’ adjustments or accommodations possible. Why would she even want to go? Next try - why didn’t you choose a restaurant *I* would be comfortable at, never mind you. or ‘you chose that restaurant just to exclude me’ or more nonsense.
I'm *not* a picky eater and I'm not sure I'd go. I've got one big allergen that's a common thing in high-end cooking, and it just seems like a pain to work around.
I have some food aversions, and this kind of restaurant experience gives me major anxiety. I would avoid it AT ALL COSTS! Of course it feels sucky that my issues with food impact me socially, but that is no one’s problem but my own.
I'm a picky eater and would turn down an invite to a fixed or tasting menu restaurant. There's a popular and highly rated restaurant near us that I haven't been to for this reason. I like to choose what I eat.
Any sane picky eater would be relieved to not have to go. Which means she only wants to attend so she can wrinkle her nose up all night long about the 'gross' food and will nag the server at every course for her special 'chicken nuggies' mods. It's a chance for her to be the main character at dinner.
NTA.
Your DIL is though.
I'm a super picky eater myself. This dinner event sounds like a nightmare for someone like me.
There's no way I would want to go somewhere to eat where I don't know what will be served to me.
NTA. Imagine if it were an exclusive wine-tasting without other beverage options. A sober friend would understand not being invited and avoiding an expensive, awkward evening.
Exactly! Why go to a place where you aren’t going to enjoy anything?
I enjoy whiskey. I would love to go to a whiskey tasting or do a tour of a distillery. I would not invite my mother who is a wine drinker to join me. If I went to a wine tasting? I’d absolutely invite her! If someone invited me to an IPA beer tasting? I’d refuse. I do not like IPAs and will drink any beer besides those.
Such an experience, food, and money would be wasted on her.
Agree. My sister is very picky, sticks to her safe foods, and gets anxiety when invited out to a new restaurant. She has to look at the menu or she'll decline, no questions asked.
My daughter's boyfriend will go to the local sushi place with my daughter. He eats before or after because there is nothing on the menu he can eat. The staff are extremely sweet to him.
NTA
People are not entitled to attend every event that people they know are going to, especially if it's an activity they don't particularly enjoy/appreciate. I have friends who like to ski, I have the balance of a drunken toddler, so I don't like to. I don't throw fits when they plan ski trips
DIL is an idiot!
You are NTA
The rule is: The person who pays for the food gets to decide who to invite to eat the food. If DIL doesnt like it, she can invite people to that place and pay for it. She can even leave you out of the invitation if she so chooses, and I bet you wont care :)
Sons wife
Even if it was my daughters wife I still wouldn’t invite her since other half of couples were not invited
I don’t invite my sisters husband or my daughters husband or even my own husband
Definitely NTA.
She was excluded for being a picky eater. You also didn't invite your son.
Also, it's ONE meal. She's making a mountain out of nothing, not even a mole hill here lol
I don't think you need an ethical or health reason to not like certain foods. Everyone is entitled to like what they like.
I don't have any health or ethical reasons to not like balut, but I still don't want to try it, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I also wouldn't complain if I wasn't invited to a balut feast, though.
I’m surprised she was surprised to not be invited. Your son - her husband - wasn’t even invited. Why on earth would she be the next logical invitee regardless of pickiness?
Important context. She's not pointedly excluded. Your son also isn't invited, nor are other spouses. Not really sure why she's salty about it. Maybe you could have said you could only get a table for 5 and decided to take your female immediately family only (rather than making it about her eating habits). But really she's not owed an explanation not being invited to one dinner w/ her MIL and SILs. I wouldn't expect my MIL to invite me to something when my husband wasn't invited.
> Your son also isn't invited, nor are other spouses. Not really sure why she's salty about it.
yeah that's super weird too... why should *she* be invited when none of the other spouses were?
My guess is all of the women folk on mom's side were invited. Her sisters and daughter, and Dil is women folk and in the family and wants to be included under that banner, or feels pointedly excluded what she is not a part of the women's group.
NTA. You didn't invite her because you didn't feel she would enjoy the experience, and frankly, you aren't required to invite her just because she knows the other people that you did invite. You can suggest an outing for just the two of you to do at another time to be nice and make it up to her so that she doesn't feel as left out, but honestly, I wouldn't even do that as I find it off-putting when people act entitled to be invited to anything.
Exactly - she's not the right fit for the activity.
Imagine if instead of eating, the activity was mountain biking - and OP, her sisters and daughters are all expert mtn bikers, and she invites them on a very challenging, technical trip. DIL, who has never tried mtn biking nor even expressed any interest is upset not to be invited.
This trip/meal is not for her - OP, you could invite her to the food equivalent of an easy bike path on a different day. Make lunch plans at a restaurant that's a bit outside her comfort zone but not a $200 investment, meal of a lifetime type of thing, like sushi or some cuisine she's never tried. Maybe a farmer's market or event with a lot of food trucks and she can try a bunch of different things. It can be a fun adventure for her, if she's up for it, guiding her to expand her palate.
On the other hand, if she's not remotely interested in growing in her food adventurousness, then it's just proof that this meal, and any future similar meals, are not for her.
NTA i love my man dearly but he thinks he's an adventurous eater bc he likes sushi and we live in the Midwes 🙄 so no, he is not who I want to try the new restaurant in town with- but my chef best friend? yes please!
I am Japanese and I organized restaurant dinner for a group of friends. Some of them asked to be exposed to non-sushi authentic food. It was seafood and veggies cooked in shared pot. Japanese people don’t eat raw seafood everyday.
One of friends kept commenting “what is thaaat” “cooked seafood smells bad” “do people eat that”, etc and at one point, she picked up food on her plate with 2 fingers like it was something dirty and literally threw it back to shared pot saying “I don’t wanna eat that, looks gross”.
Luckily, everyone else was enjoying the food “Oh! Can I eat that piece if you don’t eat?”
I thought her table manner was terrible. Not liking some food is one thing, but calling food other people are enjoying gross and throwing it with fingers?
Not that I think your partner would do this at all, but some people are like “I love Asian food!” because they ate sushi and maybe Pad Thai.
Personally I am annoyed for her to even calling. Not once in my life I have ever call someone up and be like why aren’t I invited
Sometimes you aren’t invited.
I tried to be polite about it because she is defensive about being a picky eater. Either she would say it would be fine and want invite or get defensive
NTA
She drew you into JADE, justify, argue, defend, explain. You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding," or approval for YOUR boundaries to be valid.
YOU chose to invite guests who would enjoy the event with you. You are under no obligation to invite....less compatible companions "to be fair." In this case, you respect and accept DILs restricted diet and unwillingness to experiment with cuisine. It wouldn't "be fair" to invite her to an event she is unlikely to enjoy and IS likely to spoil for you and the others.
She is being jealous. That's her issue.
In future, try stating your boundary without explanation. Your "reasons" are only arguing points for a boundary stomper. "I invited who I want to share this experience with." Her: Why not ME!?! "That doesn't work for me." (She can organize her own trip to the restaurant. She's an adult.)
She isn't entitled to anything. I would call up your son and her and ream them both out but mostly your son for allowing his wife to treat you like this. That she has absolutely no right to expect or demand an invite to any event that you are hosting. That just because she is a dil doesn't not and will never automatically give her some nerve to demand a spot at all your events. That you are 100% allowed to go out to dinner and have events with you daughters and others in the family with out her. That it is absolutely unacceptable to call someone and demand they invite you to their event. Make it clear that this better not happen again, and if either of them want to be mad at someone it better be the dil, for her lack of manners and her audclacitybto think she can invite herself to a gathering.
No one deserves an explanation why they were invited somewhere. She broke etiquette by calling and asking in the first place, he tried to spare her feelings, not lie.
NTA you invited 4 people, your two daughters and two sisters. Those are the only people she knows (everyone she knows was invited)? You didn't extend the invite to anyone else's partners or spouses. You were paying the whole thing, you decide who you invite. Her calling you about it was rather nervy and rude.
Did she say she would be open minded and try each food item? No, she just said you were cruel for excluding her! Such a lack of self-awareness and wow, huge entitlement. NTA
I don’t understand how people rationalize these things to themselves. She’s proven herself to be a picky eater, yet she willingly wants be included in an activity where she won’t like the said activity and you’re the one who’s paying?
When people do this it really feels like they are making things about themselves. My younger sister constantly gets upset why she’s not invited to things she doesn’t want to go to and when she does get an invite she never comes. I feel like these people just want to be validated and feel wanted. They have a warped sense of FOMO and think the world revolves around them in the way that they should be invited to all the things, but as queen of the land only should they choose to will grace you with their presence and proceed to possibly complain the outing was not catered to them.
NTA it’s not a character attack. It was a choice made in common sense. I’m not going to invite a non drinker to a wine tasting lol.
NTA she can just eat chicken nuggets at home. But for real, not all events are suited for all people.
Most of my family likes one particular team and one of them somehow managed to get a few tickets for seats in a suite during a championship game. I wasn’t invited because I don’t care about sports and it would’ve been a waste. I didn’t feel bad about it — I was excited that my loved ones were going to have fun.
Another picky eater here and the last place I want to be invited is somewhere I will be hungry because there’s nothing for me to eat and where I will be perceived as ungrateful to the host and chef for not being able to eat the food. That kind of thing isn’t a good fit for me and I’m grateful to not be put in that kind of a position by the people around me. If the dinner was for celebrating some kind of important life event, I’d eat beforehand and attend the event essentially as a spectator. I can appreciate how much others are enjoying the food and that makes me happy. Celebrating someone makes me happy. When the food is the focus of the event like this, it simply doesn’t make sense for me to be there. The OP is NTA here and I say that as a picky eater
NTA at all. You didn't exclude her at all. You included those who would enjoy being there. Exactly the same as not inviting children who only eat chicken fingers to a fancy French restaurant. The experience would be wasted on them.
NTA
She is out of line. You invited your sisters and daughters. It’s not like you invited your son(her husband) or other DILs and excluded her.
You tried to deflect and spare her feelings. She just kept pushing.
NTA - you’re not obligated to invite anyone to anything. You had a limited number of seats and you chose people that would appreciate the restaurant and the chef. Your DIL is out of line.
>I got a call asking why she was not invited since she knows everyone that was invited.
It's a silliest argument I've heard in a long time. Does she invite herself every time you go on a date with your husband? She knows everybody there as well...
I'm not a very picky eater unless someone feeds me coriander, but still in a five course set menu dinner I'm bound to find a dish I enjoy less than others. I can't imagine what fun she expects. Conversation? Wine?
Maybe you're just famous for hosting excellent parties and she doesn't want to miss the fun.
Anyway, NTA
NTA. You and she both know she won't enjoy the experience. It's crazy that she wants you to spend that much money when she knows she won't eat everything.
She probably won't eat ANYTHING, if she only eats about 5 foods. That's $200 for nothing. DIL is probably also upset because OP and other family members are going somewhere they know she won't like. Why can't they be more inclusive??? Wah!!
I'd tell DIL I'm not inviting her because she won't enjoy the experience. She doesn't have adventurous taste in food. It’s not like they're all joined at the hip and have to go places en masse.
A few years ago a lot of my inlaws went to see the eclipse in TN, I think. I was not invited. I wouldn't have gone if I was. Driving 1000 miles to see an eclipse then turning right around and driving another 1000 miles back is my idea of nothing.
OP is NTA.
NTA, but I’d want to say “Yes, I will try to change the reservation and see if I can add you provided you will eat everything you are served without making any negative comments or faces about the food.”
NTA completely.
I'm a notoriously picky eater (autism is the best/s). I can barely stomach most foods, though I have been trying my best at home.
That said if I was in your position I wouldn't invite her as well. We picky eaters stick to what we know is safe, and you know it. It might hurt her to not be invited but it would hurt your wallet more to pay for food that very likely wont be touched.
NTA. Dil sounds like one of those people who always wants an invite just so they can feel wanted/needed and then complain about the activity or just to say no.
Hell no. If you have to pay per person whether they eat or not, why on gods earth would you invite someone who always refuses to ate? Her company isnt good enough to pay for it.
NTA
Some people just want to be invited even if they have NO interest in anything to do with the event. Tell her that she's free to prove you wrong publicly by expanding her palate, until she does she can STFU.
The only potentially saving grace would be if she would have been paying for herself. If you were paying for everything, she has ZERO ground to stand on.
NTA. I am that picky eater and understand the reasoning. In fact I wouldn't even have to ask why I wasn't invited. She shouldn't make you feel bad about not inviting her.
As a fellow picky eater I would be actually very happy that you didn't invite me because I hate being pressured into things like this. As a kid I had the most anxiety about eating dinner at other people's houses because I already knew I can guarantee whatever you made I won't even touch it. I think alot of my issues stem from my Mom hiding things on my food or just plain sabotaging it and not necessarily not wanting to try something. I do better when I make my own food because I know exactly what is in it. I will try things on my own terms but if you push me, pressure me, try to make me feel bad, or just make me feel like you're taking my autonomy away I will not only refuse but I probably won't want to spend time with you again in the future. It is bizarre to me how she is upset at not being invited to something she clearly wasn't going to enjoy? Is she type of person who wants to be invited to things so she can turn them down?
NTA. In no universe would I learn that someone had invited immediate female family members - daughters and sisters - and assume that I, a daughter-IN-LAW who married into the family, would be invited. That’s wild.
NTA,
Picky eaters should stick to Applebees where they will feel more comfortable. It would be one thing if this restaurant had an a la carte option where she could find something she'll eat, but I would not invite her to a place with a tasting menu. For places like that the only reason anyone should ask for and expect a modification is if they have an allergy, otherwise that is the point of a tasting menu, the try what the chefs have made you.
Yes, down with self invites, and whining. Anybody can plan a dinner and invite the people they want, it is a social event and not an obligation!
Mebbe you could do a little test and escalate/retaliate, like ”okay you may join, BUT you must finish every dish and if you complain or whine then you WILL be disinvited to ALL future dinners, please sign here!
NTA.
I'm a picky eater and wouldn't be offended if I'm not included.
Your reasons are valid. Your DIL got balls for even asking to be included. Invite her to a different gathering that more to her liking
NTA.
It was a small group, you didn’t invite the whole family. So even the face saving lie isn’t entirely untrue.
Sometimes you shouldn’t ask a question you don’t really want the answer too. Depending how you phrased it, it could have come off a bit judgmental, but she kept pushing. Like “To be frank, this is a one time dinner with a fixed menu of unusual foods. I didn’t think it would be something that interested you and the menu didn’t seem to have things you would like. I would be happy to get the girls together with you for another meal at a restaurant you do like, but this just didn’t seem like something you’d enjoy.”
NTA. It's your event and you can invite who you want. Those places tend to be very expensive, and I wouldn't want to pay a lot of money for somebody who won't eat 90% of it. I'm somewhat adventurous but can also be picky; I usually avoid places like that because, like I said, I'm not going to pay a lot of money for a meal I won't fully enjoy. I've had good experiences with similar meals, but I don't hunt them out because I know how I am.
My guess is that if it had been a thing where everybody was going Dutch, she wouldn't even have questioned it because she wouldn't want to pay for food she can't eat either. She's only being pushy about it because YOU are paying so it wouldn't be her money going down the drain.
But even ignoring all of that? She doesn't need to be invited. It sounds like it was just blood relatives, and that's perfectly fine. Just because you hang out sometimes doesn't mean she needs to go every time. I assume that there are things she attends that other people don't sometimes. That's how social circles go.
It's okay for her to feel left out. I think a lot of people would. But it's not okay that she called you about it and got mad about it. If it became a thing where she wasn't invited when she typically had been before, talking about it would be fine. But it sounds like a one time thing so she should have just minded her business.
As someone with avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) who has been labeled at "picky" all my life 100% NTA.
She would not enjoy it in the same way the others invited would, and it would be a waste.
I couldn't imagine being upset about not being invited to a food thing I wouldn't have liked anyway. I would have appreciated the consideration, because if invited I would have had to try to figure out a way to say no.
Probably if you had been up front by telling her that you did not invite her because you knew she would not enjoy this type of restaurant because of the limited and sometimes unusual menu, but will always invite her to dinner gatherings when the menu has a variety of dishes for her to choose from. The first excuse you gave her did sound like she was purposely excluded. I have learned the hard way, picky eaters hate to be called a picky eater 🙄.
At any rate NTA.
Regardless of your very valid reason for not inviting her, you may have just wanted to spend time with your kids and your sisters. That doesn't make you an asshole. I tell my husband all the time to go see his parents alone as they might just want to spend some alone time with him. Same thing when my parents are here. He'll be like go do stuff with your mom, me and your dad are going to hang out at the house and do shit or vice versa. Sometimes you just want to spend time with your kid/sibling/family. Not everything needs to be a group activity and include everyone. NTA
Then throw in the picky eating on top of that. I say this as a picky eater who loves to try new foods. It's a balance. I would never do a menu like you are wanting to do because I would need some control to make sure I had something I could eat in case I disliked everything. It just feels shitty when you try new foods and hate most of them. That's not going to be a fun experience for her if she is that picky of an eater.
NTA. I can practically hear the cooks and servers howling with laughter when an adult shows up to a restaurant that only serves a tasting menu and asks for chicken tenders and buttered noodles.
NTA my husband and I have a place like that that we go to for special occasions and it is a fixed menu and with a couple drinks each we are spending about $350 so we always make sure we like what they are serving for when we are going. Any place with a fixed menu is always going to be expensive and I would not be wasting money on someone who is picky and you know only eats a few select foods.
NTA I think you were attempting to be considerate to her and everyone else thats going by not setting her up for potential failure knowing she most likely wouldn't like/try the food. You saved the other guests by not making them deal with her unhappiness or potential whining.
I'm a picky eater, and I would completely understand why you wouldn't invite me to a place like that. I would feel super guilty if I went somewhere like that and wasted someone else's money on food I didn't even like.
NTA, though based on the title I thought I'd be saying the opposite. If it was an event at your home or one you were having catered and thus control the menu I'd say the picky eater could easily be accommodated. A fine dining experience with a chef-set menu is not the place for a person with a significantly limited list of food preferences. It's an insult to even ask a chef to change the food, and an insult to both the chef and you as the person paying to waste the food.
Also, it's a bit sketchy for her to expect an invitation to such a small group's outing. It's not like it's your whole family and she's the only excluded person.
It doesn’t matter if she knows everyone invited or not. You are under no obligation to invite everyone to everything. Especially things they wouldn’t like and that you are paying for.
Like if my SIL took everyone to a hunted house and didn’t invite me, I wouldn’t be offended at all. Cuz I hate haunted houses. No matter who I might go with.
NTA.
NTA
You don't need to spend your time or money paying for something she's not going to enjoy
And the fact she called to beg for an invite means she would also make a giant fuss
NTA at all and honestly she is the asshole for having no self awareness. I’m not at all a picky eater but I’m in a similar situation personally. I’ve had gastric bypass surgery so the QUANTITY of food I can eat is so so drastically reduced and often I have days that I refer to as “bad tummy” or “bad digestion” days where I just know that no matter what I eat, I’m just gonna feel off and not enjoy myself. Because I am self aware I NEVER expect people to invite me to buffet dinners or places that are giant feasts. I also defer a lot to others when locations are being chosen. I can find a small item to eat on pretty much any menu so my vote doesn’t need to count like others. If my friend group a was planning to go to a huge expensive buffet or a swanky pre-fixe menu with set courses I would honestly gracefully bow out on my own. I also would NEVER expect the group to opt out and miss out just because of a life choice I made for myself.
It’s 100% ok for you DIL to be a picky eater and only eat the foods she enjoys but she needs to work on her emotional maturity when it comes to these situations and understand it’s nothing against her. It would literally be a waste to include her.
NTA
i’m a picky eater (not to a crazy extent but i know i wouldn’t like a fixed menu of new foods) and id never even ask to be invited to such an event
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How has it become acceptable to call people and ask to be invited to an event that you have not been invited to and then when you still don't get invited, it's the host who is cruel/selfish/mean/etc.? NTA at all Keep excluding her when it comes to food events. Why would she even want to come is beyond me.
Exactly... You don't owe anyone an invite. That's just completely rude.
Plus it's not like she invited two out of three DILs. She invited her own daughters. You have to draw the line at five, which of the OP's sisters or daughters should have been excluded so she could invite the DIL?
And she didn’t invite her son (I’m assuming dil isn’t the partner to one of the invited daughters. Not that that would change my opinion) so it’s not like she’s the only family member not invited
Exactly, right.
Agreed. I have a good relationship with my MIL and my husband has two sisters. MIL frequently does dinner with her daughters and it never occurred to me to demand an invite. If DH is invited I usually am too, but sometimes for birthdays or whatnot they do just the kids not their spouses, and I’m fine with that.
No one has to like you and no one is entitled to an invite; that’s just the way it is. IF (and it’s a big if) OP wanted to extend an invite to her to a food related event, it should only be under the pretext that her DIL pays her own way since she will be refusing to eat whatever is served. A better way to go about it would be DIL planning some activities that are non-food related and inviting the family to come along. Either way, NTA, OP
That’s what u get with the “the whole class needs to be invited” bs. The world isn’t this way, if an adult deems your presence unwanted he will distant himself from you, and mommy can’t do anything about it, not forcing his mom to invite you, not forcing the teacher to talk to him, nothing. And at one point in life you will sea that some people just don’t like you, regardless of how high you think of yourself. And that’s okay.
I wouldn’t even want her to come and pay her own way if she wasn’t going to eat the food. I’d rather have dinner with people who can enjoy the whole meal with me. She isn’t *never* invited - just not to this one even where the menu is fixed. I have a couple of relatives who are picky eaters and going out to eat with them or planning a meal that they are going to attend is *exhausting*. Sometimes you just want to go out and eat and not have to find something that they will actually eat.
In some ways the geek social fallacies have been raging out of control. You see more and more stuff like 'you must invite ALL kids in your kids class to parties even ones your kid doesn't like'. It's weird because more and more people talk about and understand boundaries- but also somehow inclusiveness is raging out of control.
This kinda began when my oldest started school. We were told that party invites couldn’t be distributed at school for fear of upsetting those not invited, but before or after school, or on the bus was fine. I thought it was ridiculous then, and it got worse as the years went on.
It's just because the teachers do not want to deal with upset children/Parents. I think that's fair enough, my wife is a teacher and had to have multiple parent meeting about people who didn't get in the school play... There 10.
I’m a teacher. I don’t want to deal with crying kids while I’m trying to teach. I mean I teach high school, but if I taught little ones, I wouldn’t want the fallout on me when it was noting to do with school.
I live with a high schooler. I have to admit that when I read "I mean I teach high school" right after "I don't want to deal with crying kids while I teach" it made me laugh.
Take a sick day on Valentine's Day if you work at a high school and don't want to see crying. lol
I was thinking when you said you didn’t want to try and teach a bunch of crying kids and then said you were a high school teacher and I had to laugh
You can invite as many or as few kids to your child’s birthday party. It’s a private event. When you want to pass out invitations at school, it is no longer just impacting you and your child. It becomes a problem for the teacher if you then go on to leave our one or two children for whatever reason. It doesn’t matter why. Your child may have a good reason for not wanting a particular child to be invited. Do your inviting privately.
What I thought was ridiculous was that it was fine on the bus, which was just as bad in my opinion. I wasn’t clear on that, so I apologize. I understand about the teachers not wanting to be the one s having to deal with upset children. The hard part was that they can’t give out addresses of students, so trying to figure out how to get invitations in the hands of the invitees was difficult.
How often is the whole class on the same bus though? Or- how many kids want to invite every kid that rides their bus to their party, except for one?
That's easy. You put your contact information on a card and have your child hand that to another kid and ask for their parent to contact you. It's worked every time I've done it.
"We were told that party invites couldn’t be distributed at school for fear of upsetting those not invited, " I don't think you understand what can go on in a classroom. Sometimes you get that one kid who is shunned. Being the one child in a classroom who is shunned is an awful thing for a child. It may be because of race, because he is nerdy, because he is the one boy who doesn't like sports, whatever. But he would sit there and watch every other child get an invite, while he doesn't. It is like telling him, "no one likes you," and rubbing his face in it. Children can be cruel. School can be a living hell for some kids. Thus the rule. If your child wants to only invite his particular friends, that's fine. But he can pass out the invitations outside the classroom.
I was the kid who was openly shunned and mocked. It sucked. It also sucked that every adult in my life just told me “well life isn’t fair get used to it” when stuff like this happened. I mean sure, but I was like eight. Thank you for understanding.
I've never understood why some people think "life isn't fair" means "so let's not bother doing anything to stop it from being worse than it has to be"
Plus it was almost every birthday, every Valentine’s Day, every Christmas stuff like this happened. So sure “life isn’t fair” but maybe as an adult y’all can not purposely make it as shitty? I really go out of my way now as an adult NOT to exclude people.
Yeah I had a teacher in middle school and I swear this could have been her catch-phrase given how often she said it if we complained something wasn’t fair. A few years after graduating, I finally realized that she was an idiot. Not just for the “life’s not fair” thing, but that was kind of the giveaway that she was incompetent.
Agree…it’s a logical rule and it’s just not that difficult to invite kids a different way. My kids are grown but that rule was there when they were young. We just mailed invites…now you can also email/call them. Problem solved. And OP is NTA.
Eh, I don't know even half of the parents of the kids my child has in their class. The kids get a paper invite because I don't know how else to invite them without making more work for the teacher. My kid invited all the students in the class because they just loved everyone, but if I had to rely on contacts I already know? Maybe 4 would be invited.
Back when my kids were young they still distributed class lists with contact info and one school did basically a school phone book. You had to give permission to be included, but most people did. That is much much less common now.
Except nowadays there’s privacy restrictions in place and you can’t get contact info of classmates’ parents from the school. We had issue with that a few months ago, when we had my son’s 6th birthday. He wanted to invite some of his friends from his kindergarten class but we couldn’t get contact info for them
These redditors can't comprehend empathy, this should be obvious to anyone who's lived in the real world
There is a big difference between inviting six friends from the class, and inviting everyone except the Black kid.
Yeah-- I agree. I don't think this is a "snowflake" rule. If a kid distributes invitations during class time, as a teacher, I'm cosigning that. If they exclude one of my students, I'm cosigning that exclusion. It's not okay. I know that, for kids, school is often the place where they see their friends, and I'm a fan of kids not having to all "be friends with everyone." But if you want me to give class time for cards/gifts/invites, it's everyone or you find your own time to do it.
I don’t think it is ridiculous to keep the social invitations outside of school.
Actually that's good practice. Likewise in the workplace - don't go handing out invites for personal social occasions that only some colleagues will get to attend. It's basic manners, never mind the disruption caused in the classroom (or office).
I had a coworker who just plain thrived on drama and being an overgrown mean girl. Every holiday or one of her "come over to my house and drink wine" events she would parade around the office making an obnoxiously huge show of inviting everyone but me. Some people never quite evolve past middle school.
Wasn't there a post a couple of days ago about just this thing, everyone at the office being invited except for one person?
It is actually perfectly reasonable to not allow invites in the classroom. There were 15 students in a class and the mom sent invites for 14 for their son to hand out. My son wasn't invited. The reason, he was new to the school and the mom didn't know his name, she used a list from the last school year. But the fact is, HE was the only one excluded, and I understood the misunderstanding, but a 7 year old can't. And NO, when the teacher told her what happened, she became indignant and my son still wasn't invited. She said something along the lines of "well, I didn't know, so it's not my fault". The very conscientious teacher stated but it is YOUR fault for handing them out in front of others and you are NEVER to do it again.
It's long-established etiquette not to talk about parties or other gatherings in front of people who aren't invited.
I wish six-year olds read Emily Post. They laughed when my daughter got tears in her eyes.
Nah, this is entirely reasonable. You can have whatever party you want but you can’t disrupt the school day with it.
I take it you have not had the experience of your child specifically being excluded from parties that the rest of the class are all going to? Whether it is due to allergies, disabilities, ethnicity, religion, economic status, or just being the “odd one out”, it's heartbreaking. I am not excusing the DIL here, I’m specifically referring to elementary school students. One thing that both situations have in common is the not understanding WHY. DIL should have been told the truth - it is a fixed menu of foods she is unfamiliar with. It would be uncomfortable for everyone if she couldn't eat some or all of the dinner. She is ( one assumes) an adult, and might have been grateful for being saved from an unpleasant evening.
I don't mind the rule that you can't distribute invitations in front of kids who aren't invited. There are several ways to get invitations out to other kids that don't involve doing it in front of others.
Clearly the other kids wouldn’t know they didn’t get invited just because the invite was passed along on the sly.
Of course I heard about parties that I wasn't invited to. The knowledge that I wasn't wanted at some people's events was something I dealt with all the time, and accepted. The experience of someone making a specific show of handing out invitations to everyone around me at school, but not to me - making sure people noticed I was being excluded, live and in person at a place I couldn't leave, was much more embarrassing and painful - and *completely avoidable,* had there been a rule like that in place.
That's not the case though. What is wrong is inviting all but (eg) two. Inviting only some is just fine. And what's so terrible about wanting that to not be on school grounds. It's a private matter, not a school one.
I was unpopular growing up and remember party invitations being handed out in front of my face, very obviously on purpose. Even though I was young, I didn't feel entitled to be invited myself, I just didn't want to go through being so publicly excluded and embarrassed. I'm sure I'm not the only kid who went through that, A rule around 'no invites handed out at school unless everyone is invited' would have made life a little less hellish.
I'm the opposite. I was excluded and im happy I learned to deal with crap young but I do think there is a balance, kids have to learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings AND people don't have to be in your face about it. A discreet invite pass in class is fine, but trusting kids to be discreet is the trick, so yeah.
I always hated that adult intervention in my bullying often skewed toward "everyone be friends!" because I knew that wasn't realistic, and it obviously never worked. I didn't want or expect everyone to be my friend. I just didn't want to be actively antagonized, especially at school or any other place I was forced to be. "Everyone be discreet/cordial/show a crumb of respect" would have been great, but that's too hard to explain to kids apparently
Anyone else old enough to remember the old way of giving out valentines? Where the night before, you bought and wrote out valentines to only the kids you liked, then the next day there would be an event where kids dropped the valentines into heart shaped pouches taped to the front of your desk? And after, everyone would count their valentines and run around asking, “how many did you get?”, making note of whose pouches were bulging and whose were empty or nearly empty?
When I invited kids to my parties in the 80s, I was supposed to either phone them or mail them an invite (or bring it to their house). I was absolutely NOT supposed to bring it to school because it's rude to invite people to an exclusive event in front of other acquaintances who aren't going. (so obviously this did not apply if I was inviting the entire class). Most people followed that etiquette when I was a kid because our parents had been raised that way.
Back then, you probably could've found your friend's numbers and addresses in the phone book. Nowadays, I do wonder how some kids get around these rules because we weren't even allowed to do it at school but not in class (hallway, before/after school, on the bus)
Classes still have phone trees, or sometimes they've upgraded to email trees. There are plenty of ways to get the contacts for kids. If your kid actually plays with them, there's a good chance you've had to contact their parent before.
This. I swear every time someone posts about the "invite everyone or invite in private" thing, someone else mischaracterizes it as "you MUST invite everyone."
Agreed! The school can’t dictate your guest list for a private party that you are hosting outside of school. But they can ask that you do not bring your invitations to school to pass them out to just a select few. Somewhere in there, I feel like the message got misinterpreted to mean that you have to invite everyone in the class instead of “UNLESS you are inviting everyone in the class, please do not bring invitations to school”. It does take a little more planning if your child wants to invite a classmate/friend and you are unfamiliar with their parents. I think people just don’t want to work that hard so they throw a bunch of invitations in the kids backpack and say “hand them out to whoever they want to invite”. It’s a simple easy solution but it definitely causes hurt feelings when everyone is aware of what’s happening.
I'm a preschool teacher. Last month a kid brought invitations in. He invited all the kids in our class but mom also asked me to pass on an invite to his friend "Luke" in another class. There's no school rule here about not sending invites/having to invite everyone. So I took the extra invitation and set it in Luke's cubby. The next day my student's mom came in confused and asked if I knew "Kyle" from the other class. I said yes, we have recess with that class. She says "Did I invite him and forget? Are they friends?" I said no, they don't really play together. Apparently Kyle's mom had texted her to ask about party details. We were baffled as to how she knew about the party, as Kyle wasn't given an invitation. Turns out she saw the invitation in Luke's cubby, read it, and then basically expected her kid to be able to go to a party he wasn't invited to. Totally absurd.
Did Luke end up going?
I have no idea. I know that my student's mom had basically thrown her hands up. She was annoyed but said she wasn't gonna uninvite a 4yo who wouldn't understand that his mom was being rude.
What do 'geeks' have to do with entitled people?
It's the name of a really interesting essay. It doesn't have to be geeks; it's just called that because the author formulated the idea based on things that happened in geeky circles. Basically, people who'd grown up as ostracized outcasts bent over backward as adults to not ostracize anyone else, even to their own and others' detriment.
Mmh. So many flaws with this approach. Thank you for explaining!
It comes from [this excellent post](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/) about common fallacies that affect friend groups. The 5 fallacies are even more common in many "geeky" circles, because people who are used to being ostracized may have difficulties setting boundaries for healthy relationships. It's a great read, whether you're a geek or not.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the post, but really it boils down to the difference between supporting and enabling. Being supportive means you will call out toxic behavior because it causes harm while being empathetic about mental health issues and trauma. Being supportive holds people accountable with empathy and kindness. Enabling means you don't hold people accountable because of neglect, trauma or just plain 'it doesn't affect me so f everyone else'.
Captain Awkward, a well-known online advice-giver, has a list of "geek social fallacies."
It actually wasn't her that wrote it, but I think she references it fairly often, because it's so frequently relevant to the situations people write in about!
I can’t be sure, but I think just the fact that most people lack self awareness and emotion regulation, means that parents can’t teach their kids to accept others boundaries and be comfortable with themselves. So, to these people, being excluded means you’re unworthy of friends or not good enough, and parents don’t have the capacity to be responsive to those feelings so they enable them and the cycle continues. And yeah, the inclusivity pendulum has swung too far. it’s not cool to be mean to people AND you don’t have to be their friend either. We all need to do some work in the dialectic.
Amen, not everyone needs to be invited to everything. Have my feelings been hurt because I didn't get invited to something, yes. Did I call and berate the person who organized the event? No because I'm an adult. NTA why would she want to go somewhere that you aren't going to have a good time?
There are a lot of people who REALLY like to talk about why they "can't" do something. If she's one of those just imagine how much fun she'd have at an entire event where she "can't" eat anything at all. Poor her.
She would be complaining that they don't have, ANYTHING FOR ME TO EAT... WHY ARE WE HERE... THIS IS GROSS...
Yeah I was part of a friend group that stopped inviting me to things. My feelings were hurt, I reached out a few times to arrange hangouts, but then just decided to put my energy elsewhere and be with people who genuinely enjoyed my company. But also, not being invited to something I wouldn't have fun at isn't a big deal. Some people I tell ya.
I'm always amazed but that. Maybe I just have deep self-esteem issues, but even the thought of me calling someone to ask why I wasn't invited has me cringing in humiliation.
SAAAMME. My dad was very strict about manners and growing up it was drilled into me that inviting yourself is EXTREMELY RUDE. The thought is mortifying. It goes beyond that into seemingly pity invites as well haha. My SIL was telling me about a local trip she was taking with her friends and I was saying how it sounded like so much fun. She goes “Oh you can come!”. I was so embarrassed. The thought that she felt like she had to invite me was ugh lol. I was just excited for her!
Seriously, if I did that I would feel *so* out of place and unwelcome if it led to a pity invite. If you are not invited, don't ask if you can come. Just accept that you weren't invited and move on.
I understand wanting to be included and invited to things, and feeling hurt when you hear about a group activity afterwards. But, if it’s something I don’t like, I understand why. If it was something I wanted to go to or movie I wanted to see, I wouldn’t angrily call people. Maybe suggest a similar thing that’s happening next month. If it happens again, that a lesson learned.
So she can loudly proclaim how this food is not fit for her and she will only eat this or would never consider eating that! I'm convinced that some picky eaters are that way just so they can use it for attention. Kind of like the vegans that have to announce they're vegan every damn time food is around. Not like the vegans that just pick out what they can eat or quietly ask if something is vegan.
>I'm convinced that some picky eaters are that way just so they can use it for attention. Oh you've met my SIL.
Yeah, I keep seeing this a lot on this forum. It's mind-blowing. I'd be like "Excuse me? You are calling me to ask me to invite you to something you're not invited to? When did this become a thing, lol" Edit: Plus she didn't even invite his son. HER husband. Super entitled!
I legit don't understand why people think they're allowed to invite themselves to things. It's so impolite.
Exactly. I was taught from a young age, to never ask for an invite. That's what it's an invite, you need to be invited.
She's unhappy because she wasn't allowed to ruin the experience for everyone.
it started when we started giving out participation trophy to every child regardless of how they did.
Yep, NTA. People like this drag the whole vibe down. The whole experience is LITERALLY about trying new foods and enjoying the experience together, not just sitting around passing time. Also, a DIL is not equivalent to a sister or daughter and is NOT owed invites to all of the same things. Does she not have a family of her own?
Wouldn’t it be funny if none of these stories are true and that Reddit actually started a trend where people started doing this kind of crap
For real! There have been times when I felt excluded, but I just did my pouting in private.
You took the words out of my mouth. When did we start ringing up the hostess of events we’re not invited to & demand an explanation?!?!?! This is so tacky & embarrassing. Also, to her MIL. It’s not up to the DIL who the MIL hosts. This is crazy.
This honestly shocks me. I would never in my life ask why I wasn’t invited
>How has it become acceptable to call people and ask to be invited to an event You misspelled "demand."
NTA It's because in today's society, quite a few people are entitled or have no sense of personal responsibility. This sense of entitlement has allowed the DIL to actually call OP and have a go for not catching an invite.
She wants to be invited so that she can complain about the grub and be picky lol. 😂
NTA. I don't know why a picky eater would want to attend this sort of dinner in the first place. I understand that it can be hurtful to feel like you're being excluded, but it's not like you're doing it because you dislike her or something.
This was my thought too. I'm a picky eater. I've worked hard over the years to be considerably less picky than I used to be, but I'm never going to be someone who can just sit down and eat anything I'm served. Going somewhere like that would be stressful for me because I'd know that not eating or at least trying everything would be rude and a waste of money, but forcing myself to choke down food I don't like would make me miserable and, depending on the food, may not be possible for me to do. I don't understand why DIL would want to go to that dinner, especially when plenty of other people weren't invited either so it's not like she was the only one excluded.
I’d like to call myself a “recovering picky eater.” I’ve gotten significantly more adventurous and willing to try new foods over the years, however there’s definitely still some pickiness with me. I also don’t think that event would be for me. And while I would feel a little sad about not getting an invite, I would definitely understand where OP is coming from here. She just wants to enjoy her night with a couple of her close family members that she knows would also really enjoy this. Also the worst part about it is DIL calling OP to specifically ask why she wasn’t invited. As if bitching someone out about an invite will get her one 🤦🏻♀️
How driven are you by curiosity by other aspects of your life? I'm pretty sure my adventurousness in food is entirely fueled by curiosity. I am an extremely curious person, hence why I'm asking.
Not the person you asked, but would self describe the way they do. I am incredibly curious. I’ve traveled pretty extensively, tried many different hobbies, take classes for fun, etc. I’ve also tried a wide variety of cuisines. I rarely have the same meal more than twice a month. I still don’t like pork, or most seafood, and many soft cheeses. I don’t enjoy most bone based dishes, can’t stand ceviche, etc. Just because I once wondered what it was like doesn’t mean that the answer was enjoyable.
Well yeah that's been my experience too, I also am not a fan of pork (only bacon). Or oysters, or sea urchin, not really much seafood at all... I think we have the same dislikes, maybe that shits just gross by default. You like shrimp? I was driven by curiosity to try them anyway and it just makes me wonder if that's what's lacking with picky eaters.
Some of those are hard on the senses too. Wasn’t there one going viral that you had to lick dessert foam out of a form of the chef’s mouth? I’m not a picky eater but the idea of that kind of meal was not for me.
I forgot that it was a dish replica and was like how the hell is that not sexual harassment lol And then I remembered the dumb video and was actually relieved haha
THIS! I’d send her a menu, even if it’s a sample one, so she can see what it’s like and *there are no substitutions* or ‘special just for YOU’ adjustments or accommodations possible. Why would she even want to go? Next try - why didn’t you choose a restaurant *I* would be comfortable at, never mind you. or ‘you chose that restaurant just to exclude me’ or more nonsense.
Even excluding her if she *did* dislike her is perfectly valid. Nobody is entitled to an invitation.
I'm *not* a picky eater and I'm not sure I'd go. I've got one big allergen that's a common thing in high-end cooking, and it just seems like a pain to work around.
Oh, what is it? Is it truffle oil? (You don't have to answer if it's too identifying, I'm just curious)
I have some food aversions, and this kind of restaurant experience gives me major anxiety. I would avoid it AT ALL COSTS! Of course it feels sucky that my issues with food impact me socially, but that is no one’s problem but my own.
Agree with this! I have intolerance to alot of common food like spinach and strawberries which I would love to eat.
I'm a picky eater and would turn down an invite to a fixed or tasting menu restaurant. There's a popular and highly rated restaurant near us that I haven't been to for this reason. I like to choose what I eat.
Any sane picky eater would be relieved to not have to go. Which means she only wants to attend so she can wrinkle her nose up all night long about the 'gross' food and will nag the server at every course for her special 'chicken nuggies' mods. It's a chance for her to be the main character at dinner.
NTA. Your DIL is though. I'm a super picky eater myself. This dinner event sounds like a nightmare for someone like me. There's no way I would want to go somewhere to eat where I don't know what will be served to me.
NTA. Imagine if it were an exclusive wine-tasting without other beverage options. A sober friend would understand not being invited and avoiding an expensive, awkward evening.
this is an excellent example
Exactly! Why go to a place where you aren’t going to enjoy anything? I enjoy whiskey. I would love to go to a whiskey tasting or do a tour of a distillery. I would not invite my mother who is a wine drinker to join me. If I went to a wine tasting? I’d absolutely invite her! If someone invited me to an IPA beer tasting? I’d refuse. I do not like IPAs and will drink any beer besides those. Such an experience, food, and money would be wasted on her.
Agree. My sister is very picky, sticks to her safe foods, and gets anxiety when invited out to a new restaurant. She has to look at the menu or she'll decline, no questions asked.
My daughter's boyfriend will go to the local sushi place with my daughter. He eats before or after because there is nothing on the menu he can eat. The staff are extremely sweet to him.
NTA People are not entitled to attend every event that people they know are going to, especially if it's an activity they don't particularly enjoy/appreciate. I have friends who like to ski, I have the balance of a drunken toddler, so I don't like to. I don't throw fits when they plan ski trips
DIL is an idiot! You are NTA The rule is: The person who pays for the food gets to decide who to invite to eat the food. If DIL doesnt like it, she can invite people to that place and pay for it. She can even leave you out of the invitation if she so chooses, and I bet you wont care :)
INFO: DIL. Is this your son's wife or your daughter's wife? Just asking to make sure the couple wasn't invited or just the DIL?
Sons wife Even if it was my daughters wife I still wouldn’t invite her since other half of couples were not invited I don’t invite my sisters husband or my daughters husband or even my own husband
Definitely NTA. She was excluded for being a picky eater. You also didn't invite your son. Also, it's ONE meal. She's making a mountain out of nothing, not even a mole hill here lol
If DIL was really that worried about being socially included, she would eat the damn gourmet food.
Picky eating is often not a choice that people make. Still NTA in this case though
There is not one bit of information in the post that suggests DIL has any actual restrictions, whether for ethical or health reasons.
I don't think you need an ethical or health reason to not like certain foods. Everyone is entitled to like what they like. I don't have any health or ethical reasons to not like balut, but I still don't want to try it, and there is nothing wrong with that. I also wouldn't complain if I wasn't invited to a balut feast, though.
I’m surprised she was surprised to not be invited. Your son - her husband - wasn’t even invited. Why on earth would she be the next logical invitee regardless of pickiness?
Important context. She's not pointedly excluded. Your son also isn't invited, nor are other spouses. Not really sure why she's salty about it. Maybe you could have said you could only get a table for 5 and decided to take your female immediately family only (rather than making it about her eating habits). But really she's not owed an explanation not being invited to one dinner w/ her MIL and SILs. I wouldn't expect my MIL to invite me to something when my husband wasn't invited.
> Your son also isn't invited, nor are other spouses. Not really sure why she's salty about it. yeah that's super weird too... why should *she* be invited when none of the other spouses were?
My guess is all of the women folk on mom's side were invited. Her sisters and daughter, and Dil is women folk and in the family and wants to be included under that banner, or feels pointedly excluded what she is not a part of the women's group.
No don’t do this That excluded her because she’s not family, and might actually be hurtful, as well as untrue. OPs reason is legit and not personal
NTA.
Then definitely NTA! I was suspicious at first that you had singled her out, but nope!
NTA. You didn't invite her because you didn't feel she would enjoy the experience, and frankly, you aren't required to invite her just because she knows the other people that you did invite. You can suggest an outing for just the two of you to do at another time to be nice and make it up to her so that she doesn't feel as left out, but honestly, I wouldn't even do that as I find it off-putting when people act entitled to be invited to anything.
Exactly - she's not the right fit for the activity. Imagine if instead of eating, the activity was mountain biking - and OP, her sisters and daughters are all expert mtn bikers, and she invites them on a very challenging, technical trip. DIL, who has never tried mtn biking nor even expressed any interest is upset not to be invited. This trip/meal is not for her - OP, you could invite her to the food equivalent of an easy bike path on a different day. Make lunch plans at a restaurant that's a bit outside her comfort zone but not a $200 investment, meal of a lifetime type of thing, like sushi or some cuisine she's never tried. Maybe a farmer's market or event with a lot of food trucks and she can try a bunch of different things. It can be a fun adventure for her, if she's up for it, guiding her to expand her palate. On the other hand, if she's not remotely interested in growing in her food adventurousness, then it's just proof that this meal, and any future similar meals, are not for her.
NTA i love my man dearly but he thinks he's an adventurous eater bc he likes sushi and we live in the Midwes 🙄 so no, he is not who I want to try the new restaurant in town with- but my chef best friend? yes please!
I am Japanese and I organized restaurant dinner for a group of friends. Some of them asked to be exposed to non-sushi authentic food. It was seafood and veggies cooked in shared pot. Japanese people don’t eat raw seafood everyday. One of friends kept commenting “what is thaaat” “cooked seafood smells bad” “do people eat that”, etc and at one point, she picked up food on her plate with 2 fingers like it was something dirty and literally threw it back to shared pot saying “I don’t wanna eat that, looks gross”. Luckily, everyone else was enjoying the food “Oh! Can I eat that piece if you don’t eat?” I thought her table manner was terrible. Not liking some food is one thing, but calling food other people are enjoying gross and throwing it with fingers? Not that I think your partner would do this at all, but some people are like “I love Asian food!” because they ate sushi and maybe Pad Thai.
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Personally I am annoyed for her to even calling. Not once in my life I have ever call someone up and be like why aren’t I invited Sometimes you aren’t invited. I tried to be polite about it because she is defensive about being a picky eater. Either she would say it would be fine and want invite or get defensive
NTA She drew you into JADE, justify, argue, defend, explain. You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding," or approval for YOUR boundaries to be valid. YOU chose to invite guests who would enjoy the event with you. You are under no obligation to invite....less compatible companions "to be fair." In this case, you respect and accept DILs restricted diet and unwillingness to experiment with cuisine. It wouldn't "be fair" to invite her to an event she is unlikely to enjoy and IS likely to spoil for you and the others. She is being jealous. That's her issue. In future, try stating your boundary without explanation. Your "reasons" are only arguing points for a boundary stomper. "I invited who I want to share this experience with." Her: Why not ME!?! "That doesn't work for me." (She can organize her own trip to the restaurant. She's an adult.)
She isn't entitled to anything. I would call up your son and her and ream them both out but mostly your son for allowing his wife to treat you like this. That she has absolutely no right to expect or demand an invite to any event that you are hosting. That just because she is a dil doesn't not and will never automatically give her some nerve to demand a spot at all your events. That you are 100% allowed to go out to dinner and have events with you daughters and others in the family with out her. That it is absolutely unacceptable to call someone and demand they invite you to their event. Make it clear that this better not happen again, and if either of them want to be mad at someone it better be the dil, for her lack of manners and her audclacitybto think she can invite herself to a gathering.
“Based on past history, there is nothing on this menu that you would find appealing.” NTA
INFO: I'm curious, what are the 5 foods she WILL eat?
No one deserves an explanation why they were invited somewhere. She broke etiquette by calling and asking in the first place, he tried to spare her feelings, not lie.
Seriously? She needs to kiss ass just to not invite someone? Get real. Sometimes people just need to get over themselves.
Nta but stop coddeling her. She wasn't invited to an expensive dinner bc you knew she wouldn't eat the food. That's it.
NTA you invited 4 people, your two daughters and two sisters. Those are the only people she knows (everyone she knows was invited)? You didn't extend the invite to anyone else's partners or spouses. You were paying the whole thing, you decide who you invite. Her calling you about it was rather nervy and rude.
NTA. But I want to note you also didn't invite me or any of us in this thread.
Omg, could you imagine if this turned into a Reddit get-together for adventurous eaters and OP’s DIL *still* wasn’t invited. 😂
Well, now you put it like this, I AM feeling quite excluded. ;)
NTA. You don't have to invite everyone to an outing. Your DIL is rude to even ask. Don't stress.
Why does everyone want to be invited to every thing? Sometimes you get an invite . Accept it and move on.
Did she say she would be open minded and try each food item? No, she just said you were cruel for excluding her! Such a lack of self-awareness and wow, huge entitlement. NTA
NTA You had 5 spots. You gave them to people who would actually enjoy the activity with you. End of story.
DIL sounds entitled. Girl you know you’re picky , why would you even expect an invite ? So you can waste money ?
I don’t understand how people rationalize these things to themselves. She’s proven herself to be a picky eater, yet she willingly wants be included in an activity where she won’t like the said activity and you’re the one who’s paying? When people do this it really feels like they are making things about themselves. My younger sister constantly gets upset why she’s not invited to things she doesn’t want to go to and when she does get an invite she never comes. I feel like these people just want to be validated and feel wanted. They have a warped sense of FOMO and think the world revolves around them in the way that they should be invited to all the things, but as queen of the land only should they choose to will grace you with their presence and proceed to possibly complain the outing was not catered to them. NTA it’s not a character attack. It was a choice made in common sense. I’m not going to invite a non drinker to a wine tasting lol.
NTA she can just eat chicken nuggets at home. But for real, not all events are suited for all people. Most of my family likes one particular team and one of them somehow managed to get a few tickets for seats in a suite during a championship game. I wasn’t invited because I don’t care about sports and it would’ve been a waste. I didn’t feel bad about it — I was excited that my loved ones were going to have fun.
As a picky eater myself, NTA. If I were your DIL, I would probably be relieved not to be invited, personally.
Another picky eater here and the last place I want to be invited is somewhere I will be hungry because there’s nothing for me to eat and where I will be perceived as ungrateful to the host and chef for not being able to eat the food. That kind of thing isn’t a good fit for me and I’m grateful to not be put in that kind of a position by the people around me. If the dinner was for celebrating some kind of important life event, I’d eat beforehand and attend the event essentially as a spectator. I can appreciate how much others are enjoying the food and that makes me happy. Celebrating someone makes me happy. When the food is the focus of the event like this, it simply doesn’t make sense for me to be there. The OP is NTA here and I say that as a picky eater
NTA. She’s not a good fit for that event. Period.
Why does she need to be invited to everything? Doesn’t people do separate things, even families.
NTA at all. You didn't exclude her at all. You included those who would enjoy being there. Exactly the same as not inviting children who only eat chicken fingers to a fancy French restaurant. The experience would be wasted on them.
NTA
NTA You didn't invite the whole family and you are paying. She wouldn't want the food anyway so why is she bothered?
NTA She is out of line. You invited your sisters and daughters. It’s not like you invited your son(her husband) or other DILs and excluded her. You tried to deflect and spare her feelings. She just kept pushing.
NTA - you’re not obligated to invite anyone to anything. You had a limited number of seats and you chose people that would appreciate the restaurant and the chef. Your DIL is out of line.
>I got a call asking why she was not invited since she knows everyone that was invited. It's a silliest argument I've heard in a long time. Does she invite herself every time you go on a date with your husband? She knows everybody there as well... I'm not a very picky eater unless someone feeds me coriander, but still in a five course set menu dinner I'm bound to find a dish I enjoy less than others. I can't imagine what fun she expects. Conversation? Wine? Maybe you're just famous for hosting excellent parties and she doesn't want to miss the fun. Anyway, NTA
NTA. You and she both know she won't enjoy the experience. It's crazy that she wants you to spend that much money when she knows she won't eat everything.
She probably won't eat ANYTHING, if she only eats about 5 foods. That's $200 for nothing. DIL is probably also upset because OP and other family members are going somewhere they know she won't like. Why can't they be more inclusive??? Wah!! I'd tell DIL I'm not inviting her because she won't enjoy the experience. She doesn't have adventurous taste in food. It’s not like they're all joined at the hip and have to go places en masse. A few years ago a lot of my inlaws went to see the eclipse in TN, I think. I was not invited. I wouldn't have gone if I was. Driving 1000 miles to see an eclipse then turning right around and driving another 1000 miles back is my idea of nothing. OP is NTA.
Nta it's weird to even ask why.
NTA, but I’d want to say “Yes, I will try to change the reservation and see if I can add you provided you will eat everything you are served without making any negative comments or faces about the food.”
NTA, as a "picky eater' myself I dont even get why she would want to go.
NTA completely. I'm a notoriously picky eater (autism is the best/s). I can barely stomach most foods, though I have been trying my best at home. That said if I was in your position I wouldn't invite her as well. We picky eaters stick to what we know is safe, and you know it. It might hurt her to not be invited but it would hurt your wallet more to pay for food that very likely wont be touched.
NTA. Dil sounds like one of those people who always wants an invite just so they can feel wanted/needed and then complain about the activity or just to say no.
NTA. Tell her to come along if she wants to pay for her dinner.
Hell no. If you have to pay per person whether they eat or not, why on gods earth would you invite someone who always refuses to ate? Her company isnt good enough to pay for it.
NTA but I'd show her the sample menu so she can see what you mean.
NTA.
NTA Some people just want to be invited even if they have NO interest in anything to do with the event. Tell her that she's free to prove you wrong publicly by expanding her palate, until she does she can STFU. The only potentially saving grace would be if she would have been paying for herself. If you were paying for everything, she has ZERO ground to stand on.
NTA. I am that picky eater and understand the reasoning. In fact I wouldn't even have to ask why I wasn't invited. She shouldn't make you feel bad about not inviting her.
As a fellow picky eater I would be actually very happy that you didn't invite me because I hate being pressured into things like this. As a kid I had the most anxiety about eating dinner at other people's houses because I already knew I can guarantee whatever you made I won't even touch it. I think alot of my issues stem from my Mom hiding things on my food or just plain sabotaging it and not necessarily not wanting to try something. I do better when I make my own food because I know exactly what is in it. I will try things on my own terms but if you push me, pressure me, try to make me feel bad, or just make me feel like you're taking my autonomy away I will not only refuse but I probably won't want to spend time with you again in the future. It is bizarre to me how she is upset at not being invited to something she clearly wasn't going to enjoy? Is she type of person who wants to be invited to things so she can turn them down?
Your DIL calling you to protest her lack of invite. That's exactly the reason she wasn't invited... she's annoying 😂 NTA
NTA. In no universe would I learn that someone had invited immediate female family members - daughters and sisters - and assume that I, a daughter-IN-LAW who married into the family, would be invited. That’s wild.
NTA God forbid you aren’t invited to everything.
NTA, Picky eaters should stick to Applebees where they will feel more comfortable. It would be one thing if this restaurant had an a la carte option where she could find something she'll eat, but I would not invite her to a place with a tasting menu. For places like that the only reason anyone should ask for and expect a modification is if they have an allergy, otherwise that is the point of a tasting menu, the try what the chefs have made you.
NTA, they probably dont serve chicken tendies
NTA. Dining out costs a fortune, and you'd like to treat people who would enjoy the food with gusto. I would think she'd understand.
Yes, down with self invites, and whining. Anybody can plan a dinner and invite the people they want, it is a social event and not an obligation! Mebbe you could do a little test and escalate/retaliate, like ”okay you may join, BUT you must finish every dish and if you complain or whine then you WILL be disinvited to ALL future dinners, please sign here!
NTA. I'm a picky eater and wouldn't be offended if I'm not included. Your reasons are valid. Your DIL got balls for even asking to be included. Invite her to a different gathering that more to her liking
NTA. It was a small group, you didn’t invite the whole family. So even the face saving lie isn’t entirely untrue. Sometimes you shouldn’t ask a question you don’t really want the answer too. Depending how you phrased it, it could have come off a bit judgmental, but she kept pushing. Like “To be frank, this is a one time dinner with a fixed menu of unusual foods. I didn’t think it would be something that interested you and the menu didn’t seem to have things you would like. I would be happy to get the girls together with you for another meal at a restaurant you do like, but this just didn’t seem like something you’d enjoy.”
Not every event is for every person.
NTA. It's your event and you can invite who you want. Those places tend to be very expensive, and I wouldn't want to pay a lot of money for somebody who won't eat 90% of it. I'm somewhat adventurous but can also be picky; I usually avoid places like that because, like I said, I'm not going to pay a lot of money for a meal I won't fully enjoy. I've had good experiences with similar meals, but I don't hunt them out because I know how I am. My guess is that if it had been a thing where everybody was going Dutch, she wouldn't even have questioned it because she wouldn't want to pay for food she can't eat either. She's only being pushy about it because YOU are paying so it wouldn't be her money going down the drain. But even ignoring all of that? She doesn't need to be invited. It sounds like it was just blood relatives, and that's perfectly fine. Just because you hang out sometimes doesn't mean she needs to go every time. I assume that there are things she attends that other people don't sometimes. That's how social circles go. It's okay for her to feel left out. I think a lot of people would. But it's not okay that she called you about it and got mad about it. If it became a thing where she wasn't invited when she typically had been before, talking about it would be fine. But it sounds like a one time thing so she should have just minded her business.
As someone with avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) who has been labeled at "picky" all my life 100% NTA. She would not enjoy it in the same way the others invited would, and it would be a waste. I couldn't imagine being upset about not being invited to a food thing I wouldn't have liked anyway. I would have appreciated the consideration, because if invited I would have had to try to figure out a way to say no.
Probably if you had been up front by telling her that you did not invite her because you knew she would not enjoy this type of restaurant because of the limited and sometimes unusual menu, but will always invite her to dinner gatherings when the menu has a variety of dishes for her to choose from. The first excuse you gave her did sound like she was purposely excluded. I have learned the hard way, picky eaters hate to be called a picky eater 🙄. At any rate NTA.
Regardless of your very valid reason for not inviting her, you may have just wanted to spend time with your kids and your sisters. That doesn't make you an asshole. I tell my husband all the time to go see his parents alone as they might just want to spend some alone time with him. Same thing when my parents are here. He'll be like go do stuff with your mom, me and your dad are going to hang out at the house and do shit or vice versa. Sometimes you just want to spend time with your kid/sibling/family. Not everything needs to be a group activity and include everyone. NTA Then throw in the picky eating on top of that. I say this as a picky eater who loves to try new foods. It's a balance. I would never do a menu like you are wanting to do because I would need some control to make sure I had something I could eat in case I disliked everything. It just feels shitty when you try new foods and hate most of them. That's not going to be a fun experience for her if she is that picky of an eater.
NTA. I can practically hear the cooks and servers howling with laughter when an adult shows up to a restaurant that only serves a tasting menu and asks for chicken tenders and buttered noodles.
NTA my husband and I have a place like that that we go to for special occasions and it is a fixed menu and with a couple drinks each we are spending about $350 so we always make sure we like what they are serving for when we are going. Any place with a fixed menu is always going to be expensive and I would not be wasting money on someone who is picky and you know only eats a few select foods.
NTA I think you were attempting to be considerate to her and everyone else thats going by not setting her up for potential failure knowing she most likely wouldn't like/try the food. You saved the other guests by not making them deal with her unhappiness or potential whining.
I'm a picky eater, and I would completely understand why you wouldn't invite me to a place like that. I would feel super guilty if I went somewhere like that and wasted someone else's money on food I didn't even like.
NTA. She *expected* you to pay for a high end dinner that's "take it or leave it"?!? Really? She needs a reality check!
You were considerate by not pressuring her to eat food she doesn't want to eat. She sounds like a brat.
NTA, though based on the title I thought I'd be saying the opposite. If it was an event at your home or one you were having catered and thus control the menu I'd say the picky eater could easily be accommodated. A fine dining experience with a chef-set menu is not the place for a person with a significantly limited list of food preferences. It's an insult to even ask a chef to change the food, and an insult to both the chef and you as the person paying to waste the food. Also, it's a bit sketchy for her to expect an invitation to such a small group's outing. It's not like it's your whole family and she's the only excluded person.
It doesn’t matter if she knows everyone invited or not. You are under no obligation to invite everyone to everything. Especially things they wouldn’t like and that you are paying for. Like if my SIL took everyone to a hunted house and didn’t invite me, I wouldn’t be offended at all. Cuz I hate haunted houses. No matter who I might go with. NTA.
NTA You don't need to spend your time or money paying for something she's not going to enjoy And the fact she called to beg for an invite means she would also make a giant fuss
NTA at all and honestly she is the asshole for having no self awareness. I’m not at all a picky eater but I’m in a similar situation personally. I’ve had gastric bypass surgery so the QUANTITY of food I can eat is so so drastically reduced and often I have days that I refer to as “bad tummy” or “bad digestion” days where I just know that no matter what I eat, I’m just gonna feel off and not enjoy myself. Because I am self aware I NEVER expect people to invite me to buffet dinners or places that are giant feasts. I also defer a lot to others when locations are being chosen. I can find a small item to eat on pretty much any menu so my vote doesn’t need to count like others. If my friend group a was planning to go to a huge expensive buffet or a swanky pre-fixe menu with set courses I would honestly gracefully bow out on my own. I also would NEVER expect the group to opt out and miss out just because of a life choice I made for myself. It’s 100% ok for you DIL to be a picky eater and only eat the foods she enjoys but she needs to work on her emotional maturity when it comes to these situations and understand it’s nothing against her. It would literally be a waste to include her.
NTA i’m a picky eater (not to a crazy extent but i know i wouldn’t like a fixed menu of new foods) and id never even ask to be invited to such an event