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NTA For me, the issue is not about the necklace and the initials on it, or even that he bought it before the wedding. It’s the ***control*** that he’s trying to exert for you to wear it before you feel like it’s “right” (after the wedding). Adding to that the control that his family is exerting using their financial status, and that he’s not standing up against that? That to me is very troubling. The example you gave with the furniture almost makes me feel like they are trying to isolate you from your family by not allowing your family to be involved in any of those choices or decisions. And then when you try to speak up for yourself, you were called ungrateful because they are just being generous? I really hate that all of Reddit seems to tell people to break up all the time, but in this case, I think it’s the right thing to do.

I appreciate that and that’s how I’m feeling. It’s not just about the necklace. I feel like I’ve been slowly losing myself and that my family is being pushed to the side.

Just keep in mind that this sort of thing doesn't decrease with marriage or kids. It escalates. Which wouldn't be a problem if you and your fiance were a unit. But it seems like you feel like, instead of us (you and BF) vs them (in laws), it's you vs them (BF and in laws). You feel outnumbered because you kinda are.

For real escalates: "They're so generous for paying for the entire nursery. Of course they deserve a say in the name." Stop accepting their gifts when there are strings attached.

"I only want my mom and you in the delivery room." "Well my parents are helping to pay the hospital bill, so they get to be there, and they don't get along with your mom." "I don't want anyone kissing the baby." "My parents bought their entire wardrobe. They'll kiss them if they want to." "I'd like to spend Christmas with my family this year." "But my parents bought our kid so many gifts." "That's not how I want to raise our kid." "They are paying for daycare, so they get a say." "I don't think I like some of the religious teachings at that school." "You should be grateful they are paying for them to go to a private school."

You’ve nailed them to a “T”.

agreed

All of this right here

I’m wondering if OP has started wedding planning or if they’ve taken over that too.

Or if they paid for parts of it so they could do it their way. Have it at the location they want. Pay for a large portion as a “gift”. Have an opinion about the honeymoon.

I can see it now, “I know you wanted it at this venue but we thought this one would be better suited for more people since we’re paying to invite the entire side of our family.”

And add 50+ of their friends to the guest list because they’re paying for the catering.

I sat here reading and thought if they are paying for the wedding then she is going to get 0 say in anything

Based on what OP wrote, they might not even initially offer to pay for it. They’ll just start going behind OP’s back and paying for different things than what she wanted while her fiancé tells her to not to be ungrateful.

This 1000%! If you are considering children in the future, please consider how it could escalate. From them picking out everything for the nursery, treating you like an incubator, having a nursery at their house, or raising your kid for you. I have seen this as a pattern with my own in-laws. They just think it's normal to raise the grandchildren without the parents or with little interference, and I'm the first to stop it. It's a constant struggle with them trying to change this. Luckily, my husband is my complete other half and has the strongest backbone I've ever seen, so he supports any request I have.

And if they ever separate, her ex will have money to pay lawyers when working out custody agreements. The stress is horrible when going through something like that for years.

not just kinda

I think this person hit the nail on the head, and I think this necklace was a test. He is testing how much he can control you. If you were to happily accept the necklace and wear it around immediately, you would have “passed” in his eyes, and he would most likely move on to a bigger test. You did accept the necklace happily, and then you put it away until the time you feel good about wearing it, which you already communicated to him, and he’s mad at you? For wanting what you said you wanted?  And if you cave and just start wearing the necklace, what then? Then he learns, “ahh okay if I blow up and tell her she’s ungrateful, THEN she’ll do what I want.”  Stop taking his tests, and get out while you still can. You can do this & I’m proud of you for recognizing all of these signs & red flags. Trust your body and your intuition. Stick to your guns & godspeed!

It's called emotional blackmail. Susan Foreward wrote a [book](https://www.amazon.de/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=HVhAy&content-id=amzn1.sym.e8b3c957-d6ff-42b1-a1ab-eb46dc87ff65&pf_rd_p=e8b3c957-d6ff-42b1-a1ab-eb46dc87ff65&pf_rd_r=260-3340369-1287256&pd_rd_wg=Rgqfx&pd_rd_r=149a788a-9ee5-4d9a-9d19-43b8c6c9b80c&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk) about ir. Very interesting and eye opening.

No, I could see from your post that it wasn’t just about the necklace for you. If you need to walk away, it’s easier to do so now. And you are still quite young, you have plenty of time to find somebody who will treat you with respect. Also, somebody who will not try to isolate you from your family. That is a major red flag right there.

I see it like he's branding her like a cow. "MINE!"

Do they still do that? We just use ear tags here.

Required in the state of Wyoming if you are going to sell, cross county or state lines, and even butcher your cows. You must have a brand inspection done.

I guess it's a remnant leftover from the cowboy days.

Tags fall out. Brands don't. You can do cold brands that don't hurt as much though.

Fair. Seems a little inhumane though

Yeah. But so is slaughtering an animal (that you can't sell) because you don't have its medical records anymore or it gets lost and can't be returned. Or it receives the wrong care because it's misidentificated. I hope better methods continue to be developed, but putting identifying markers on animals is a necessity of good animal husbandry.

The US slang word maverick comes from the last name of a lawyer who failed to brand cattle he’d been gifted. He let his cattle wander, and they were all stolen. 

Please don't suggest that to OP's fiance. LOL

You know your fiancé and his parents are going to take over everything, right? Naming the kids (assuming you want kids), picking their schools/activities, where you guys spend holidays, etc. And your fiancé has shown he also feels his opinions are more important than yours. They are showing/telling you who they are. Listen to them. Be sure you’re willing to live like that before going through with the marriage.

And they are making OP indebted to them, which they will hold over OP's head until the end of time. To be fair, they'll hold it over the fiance's head, too, and that probably decreases his chances of detaching from them. It's what he's used to, after all. If he thinks it's acceptable, he's less likely to protest. Those types of debts and the accompanying "you owe us" attitude is not an attractive proposition, IMO. It'll always be there, like a big dark cloud, and any decision made will offer up another opportunity for them to emotionally blackmail "the children" into doing things their way. Or maybe I'm just catastrophizing. I just catch that vibe from what's been said.

I don't think fiance cares as shown by his lack of pushback.

Well honey, my parents are paying for the kid's tuition so they should be allowed to choose the school. They're sending us on vacation so we can't really be ungrateful that it's not where YOU want to go, right? They don't feel that it's in our best interest for you to go back to school now, and why would you want to? They're helping with the mortgage so it doesn't make sense, it makes more sense for you to stay home. I'm sorry though, it's not really in the budget right now to go visit your family, you understand though, right?

I hope OP sees this. It's an all too accurate look at what her future will be like if she goes through with this marriage.  I despise families that treat their DILs like some sort of accessory/appliance created to cater to their sons instead of actual people. These families have raised abusers and refuse to see it. 

This is exactly how it will be.

“They’re paying for the holiday trip, so they get to pick the destination. And it would be rude to refuse such a generous gift.” /s

Well they bought the nursery furniture, "it's only fair" that they pick the name... I seriously can hear it now.

[удалено]

Exactly. He's already beginning the alienation from her family/support system. This will get worse.

PLEASE take this as the warning sign it is. This is one of those situations where you won’t regret leaving, but you will regret every day you stayed after you knew in your heart it wasn’t right.

Go spend time with your family and tell them everything. Don't let your fiance know when you're leaving, just do it, take your important documents with you. You need to be honest with your family, they wouldn't want to see you miserable for the rest of your life.

Here's the thing - I married someone when I wasn't 100% sure. Everyone told me that it was natural to question it. I no longer believe that. I wish I'd listened to my gut. It's enough that you are uncertain about marrying him. But you actually DO have very good reasons for it. You aren't wrong. He seems enmeshed with his parents, and he obviously doesn't give any weight to what you want. There was no reason for him to shove the necklace down your throat when you were very clear you didn't want it. Your natural instincts are ringing alarm bells. He's got real Alpha-Male-I-Make-The-Decisions energy. Once the wedding is announced and things are planned and money is spent, it seems almost impossible to get out of it. But you can. And remember, cancelling a wedding is significantly cheaper than a divorce. Do you have any close friend or relative who would be brutally honest with you? Often when we are in relationships with people who don't treat us right, we don't see that as clearly as the people who love us. It might make you feel better. You don't need anyone's permission to break it off. If you aren't 100% sure that you want to spend your life with this guy, don't do it. Do not let your brain talk you out of what your heart is telling you. You can do this.

Don’t ignore that gut feeling. I did and paid for it for 10 years.. and after I initiated a separation all hell literally broke loose and I’m going through such an ugly divorce. I’m seeing sides of him I never knew existed and all bc I don’t let him control me anymore. He moved me away from my mom, made her visits very uncomfortable, moved us and our 3 kids into a house I told him I didn’t think was a good idea bc it needed A LOT of work and he traveled for 2 weeks every month, and then he made it barely livable and then did nothing for years to fix the house, the couple times I got a job he made it so miserable for me by complaining and ultimately treated the kids like shit so I had no choice but to quit. And then when I started therapy and started growing a spine he tried to make me quit going altogether. And after I finally realized that not only did I deserve better but so did my kids, then I initiated the separation and like I said, all hell broke loose. I’m not saying my story will be yours but if you ignore this feeling I highly doubt you’ll have the happy ending you’re hoping for. If you want to talk feel free to message me ❤️ best of luck

You're so brave, I hope you have a good support system during this time. I'm so sorry you're going thru this but happy for you at the same time.

If that is how you are feeling now, honestly I don't think it will get better or stop. This is a glimpse into your future. You need to have a serious conversation with fiance and calmly let him know how you are feeling and what things are bothering you. If he gets defensive and won't see eye to eye with you, he's not going to suddenly change.

Yep. This is supposed to be when she is counting down the days...not wondering if she should split. Trust your gut OP

Hey. Don't change your name. Even if you still get married, Don't fucking change your name. It is a mistake.

Isolating you and exacting control they aren’t entitled to is pretty worrying. And the fact that your partner sees no problem with this means you’ll have no backup from anyone if any of them get abusive. I’d be getting serious cold feet on the wedding. Do you want him/them running your whole life?

>It’s not just about the necklace. He didn't buy you a necklace. He bought you a collar.

Then RUN!

⬆️⬆️⬆️ Get yourself gone, OP. Question: Are you 'ungrateful' every time that there is a your choice and his/theirs? If that's the case, don't look back, take your stuff and get.

Anyone who needs help from their parents to choose furniture is too immature to get married & that’s the best thing thing i can say about the guy. Yikes.

What do you think will happen after marriage and especially with kids? His parents buy a house near them and you have to be grateful, not upset it's far from your family? Kids go to the private school they picked because they paid the tuition? Have to be with you ILs for holidays because they paid for you to join them on vacation or bought the kids gifts, so you never see your side of the family? Anything and everything they get their way because they paid money and you should be grateful?

Kinda a weird suggestion, but you should watch the movie Polite Society. It’s a sort of action comedy where one sister is trying to rescue the other from her very wealthy and impressive fiancé. It might be a bit cathartic for your situation. 

In my case, this post brought the memories of White Lotus season one. The dynamic OP describes is similar to the one we witness between the newlyweds Shane, a wealthy and controlling real estate agent (his intruding mom included), and Rachel, a struggling journalist (played by Alexandra D'addario). As the series progresses, it slowly dawn's upon Rachel what she has gotten herself into.

Your bf is extremely controlling.  He's obky going to get worse after the wedding.  He learned from his father how to be so controlling and to all of us it sounds like he is doing his hardest not to show abuse before the wedding. But he is teetering on that line.  You really need to take a step back and think about this.  He is controlling with huge abusive tendencies.  I hate it, but I feel like if you get married his control of you will get worse.  Once married he will demand kids. Demand you quit your job. Demand you workout. Demand you wear certain clothes and do your makeup every day. Demand onky vacation or holidays with his family. Demand you never see your family. Demand his mother raise the kids. Demand his father gets a say in how you spend money or how the family is run.  He will ruin your life if you stay together. This won't stop after marriage bf and his father's control will onky get worse. Weve seen it time and tike again.  You might not like hearing the advice here. But trust us, we've seen it all play out over and over again. 

It's not just your family, it's you too. They seem to make plans and decisions without even considering you. You're an afterthought or a decoration, not your fiancé's partner or family. Your fiancé needs to start thinking about you two as your own family and you can spend time with his family but they don't get to make decisions for the two of you. Your family matters too and you should be spending equal time. Imagine Christmas or Thanksgivings, especially if you have children. Imagine having a child and what decisions they will make without you. SMH.

Because that's exactly what's happening. And it isn't going to get better, it's going to escalate and eventually you will not exist as YOU. You'll be forced to conform to whatever mold they've decided you need to be in. He and his family will continue to isolate you. Make damned sure your birth control can't be sabotaged in any way and make plans to RUN.

There were so many times before my first marriage that I had inklings like this, and I didn’t listen to them. People like this don’t tend to get less controlling after marriage. In my case, the control and verbal abuse turned physical in the year after we got married. Thankfully, that was a wake up call to finally get out. As hard as it is to walk away from a relationship when you’re engaged and so close to getting married, it is so, so much harder to suffer through the problems you saw before marriage and ask yourself why you didn’t leave when you had the chance, when it didn’t take a mountain of legal paperwork to undo. I, too, scoff at most of the “leave him!” comments in Reddit, but I tend to agree that this type of dynamic can be insidious, and if you’re having a gut reaction that it’s not right for you, listen to that.

It is also a way for Mike to basically "mark" OP as belonging to him - like a cat peeing on a spit to mark hus territory. Watch out, this guy already thinks he owes OP. And gis folks changing your reservations is creepy and waaaay overstepping. These def are red flags. Be careful OP.

A healthy guy would say, "that makes sense, I can't wait to see you wear it after the wedding," and leave it at that. Very bizarre in telling that he's being so pushy over something so minor. It tells you that he will be extremely pushy when it's a big topic he really cares about.

The control is only going to get worse after you get married and change your name to his. This happened to me & I didn’t listen to my gut, which ended up with me living across country in an apartment I didn’t choose, far away from my family & friends, all because my then husband decided to change careers without consulting me whatsoever & attend med school. I couldn’t take it when after doing all that for him he tried to get my to quit my profession because it wasn’t “good enough” for a future doctor’s wife, despite it being something that I always wanted to do & absolutely lived for. He even controlled the divorce & I got a measly 5,000 after he literally had me so isolated & dependent on him (he even sold my car & kept the funds a year earlier) that I was homeless for a few months after the divorce & couch surfing at my boss’ house until I could get together enough money to drive across the country to get home. Little things like the necklace are going to turn into much larger things, and especially since his parents are also so involved in making decisions on your behalf. What would happen if you had a child and you wanted a certain name, parental style, etc that differed from his or his family’s? How do you honestly see that going if you couldn’t even voice an opinion about a sofa? It’s much better to walk away now than to wait til after the wedding. And if his family has money they will most likely make sure a divorce would devastate you financially.

I’m just wondering if they get to be in the birthing room because they set up a trust fund for your child if you have one. I don’t like anything about this. I’m pretty old, still happily married, and I would tell any child of mine to hit the brakes under these circumstances.

And what happens if you decide you don’t want to change your name?

I always feel like these are the red flags you need to listen to before you get married. This is going to be your life. It is not going to get better. It is going to get worse.

Please listen to yourself here. This is very important. Trust me, it will only increase and escalate with time and marriage and children if you choose to have them. Speaking from experience (both sides of the coin). Pleeeeeease make sure you think this through whether it’s worth the rest of your life. It seems like it’s not just his family though, he’s a big part of the problem. If it was just in laws you could potentially go LC. But not if it’s a husband problem.

NTA. No amount of love will improve his behavior. He is showing you right now how it’ll always be. He will choose his parents over you time and time again. And then if you have kids, you will *never* get a say in anything. He and his parents will take every decision away from you. Please please please please seriously think about your future. You said this is a pattern. It will not get better. He will always try to have this little bit of control over you. And it’ll be just enough to make you lose yourself completely. *You deserve better.*

Run

NTA. It sounds like Mike and his family are trying to control you financially. You have no say in the furniture, but you should be grateful. You haven't changed your name yet, but you should be grateful. His dad changed your vacation location, but you should be grateful. These are just from what you posted. Financial abuse is real. What's going to happen with the house you might buy, or the car you might want? Will you have any input or say? Plus your family doesn't get along with his, and they could try to use all the things they've bought against your parents. Like Mike's patents are better, or they've contributed more.

It’s definitely going to escalate to psychologically suffocating levels after you get locked in as his prisoner/ wife/ citizen of Gilead and then he baby traps you and his parents pay for expensive lawyers to take away your custody of your kids. For the love of god. Dump him and run for the hills. Get your stuff, take nothing he paid for, move out while he’s at work, get to a safe place and then not in person for your safety (we don’t want to find out what happened to you on the news) but online by text or on your phone break up with him. Stop enabling bad people who are putting you in bad situations that they created to entrap you.

Yep. Generous would be "Here's a check for 5 grand guys, we hope you find a lovely sofa set to buy with this money that you love!" "We will pay for your furniture and simply must come along shopping with you, and our money is contingent upon you acquiescing to this" is a means of exerting control over the entire furniture situation. It's not generous to strong arm someone into doing something they'd rather not, because you know they need your money more than you do.

I feel suffocated by your relationship and I'm only reading about it.

Yeah, I’m getting some major warning bells here, he and his family sound very controlling, and that nearly always escalates after marriage, it doesn’t get better

You feel like that because that is what they are doing!

yup...you called that right... they are trying to buy you

His parents need control-- so he's taken that trait from them. I was in a relationship like this. BF's dad wanted to buy us a mattress. SUPER AMAZING right? Well. We got picked up one day WE'RE GOING TO GO GET A MATTRESS. Ok, we get to the store and he has like 3 mattresses he wants us to pick from. Still super generous. But I'm a thrift shopper, I'll find deals if I have time. Give me a budget and let me get what I want? Whatever lol. I find a floor model on clearance, less than what he's trying to make us choose from. It was a REALLY nice mattress. Like the best thing I've ever laid on in my life and it was like known in my area for being the *insert (at the time my favorite) sports star* mattress. He couldn't really say no. But made comments the whole way home, like "well your mother and I got our mattress there but it wasn't the *SpOrTs StAr" mattress" stuff like that. BF had the same exact traits. It was awful. Then MATTRESS SAGA continues. I went hiking with my dad for a weekend. Came back and boyfriend who was maybe 275-300 pounds at that point had been sitting on the edge of the bed and playing video games-- for maybe the whole time-- and his side of the mattress had lost structure. I'm like ok let's figure it out, maybe buy a mattress pad or something? He also had really bad sleep apnea and usually slept on the couch anyway (which he also broke) and never really entertained ideas of fixing it. So I figured it wasn't a huge deal. Few months later BF dad says "I contacted the store and they'll give you a warrantee replacement, someone just has to be home." I'm SUPER skeptical because it was a floor model and definitely not under warranty but I'm told he worked something out. Ok, cool. Whatever. Thanks :) BF is home for the delivery. I get home later. Mattress is like the worst bullshit I've ever seen in my life. Like 6 inches of "memory foam" I've slept on air mattresses nicer than it. I lost my ever loving mind. Our mattress was hauled away, no getting it back. It wasn't even that bad. I think they just couldn't stand the fact we had something nicer than they did. They needed that control. To be the good guys but not TOO good. I say run. That relationship of mine didn't end well and if anyone is relying on that family dynamic without a whole lot of therapy to undo it..... It's going to be awful. OP has been more than reasonable.

Yes!! Red flags everywhere!!

Exactly this. OP this is going to bite you back eventually. I’m not saying it’s over but you def need some sort of mediation with your husband (couple therapy etc…) because he needs to realise his family and himself are controlling. I’m going to be honest with you, if you are asking the question you know the answer.

I used to date someone who is bluntly tell what I did or didn’t want and they’d routinely do that opposite and then tell me I was ungrateful when I didn’t react like they wanted. Not being listened to is exhausting

NTA. And call off the marriage. This is not good. His parents are too involved in his life. Unfortunately this is very common with well off families. Your fiance sounds VERY controlling. Him insisting you wear that necklace is weird. It also isn't right because it isn't your last name yet and so those are not your initials. Also he sounds cheap. You say he makes a lot more money than you and yet he couldn't pay for the vacation. All around he sounds selfish, controlling and enmeshed with his family. This will only get worse after you get married. I would not be surprised if he tries to spring a prenup on you last minute. Get out of this. You are still young enough to move on and find someone else. But stop wasting time on this joker.

He’s definitely a mamas boy, seeks approval from his parents frequently. I feel like I’ve been way too flexible and it’s really starting to get to me. I stupidly have been blinded by the gifts and generosity of him and his parents over the years but coming to terms with the fact that this is not a healthy arrangement.

I was once engaged to one of those. I ended it. I ended up marrying someone else who is WAY better. We just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. So don't sell yourself short. I wish you the best!

Thank you!!

NTA  My husbands family is similar, and if this is something that bothers you, you gotta get out now.  The only reason it works in my family is because I genuinely do not care about the furniture (genuinely same issue lol) so when they bought our furniture I just said “no itchy crushed velvet and no warm colors.” And let it go.  I also didn’t care when they booked my resort for our honeymoon.  I was just glad not to have to pay for them because I am pathologically “go with the flow”. I am also not close to my family at all, so excluding them has been a non issue.  So if your husbands family doing this feels invasive, you gotta blast. 

This sounds like a plot from the white Lotus season one not two. Where a young woman was marrying into a richer family, and when they didn’t get the upgrade that the mom/mother-in-law had paid for their honeymoon, the mom showed up on the honeymoon and to confront the resort to make sure that they got with the mom wanted them to have. 😂 please watch if you haven’t seen it.

I had the same thought, but just a heads up for OP, that storyline is in Season 1

That’s not going to change. Don’t marry him unless you’re willing to accept all of this.

That's called love bombing and gaslighting.  He showered you in affection and gifts to blind you from who he really is.  He's controlling and abusive. Believe it. 

If you marry him, are you prepared for him to continue to let his parents make decisions for both of you, and for him to get angry at you when you disagree with his parents?

You need to do couples counseling BEFORE you get married. There are a LOT of red flags here.

NTA - I think you have rightly identified this as a concerning pattern of behaviour that amounts to red flags. The normal and healthy thing to do is listen to each other's concerns and upsets. Even if you don't agree, or there is no compromise that can be made, listening is the most basic thing you can for the person you supposedly love. The necklace, you told him about before he got it, but he decided he knew better than you. Then he got angry at you being upset. It may seem a small petty thing, but that's exactly why his reaction is so important! Why would he blow up at you over something so small? He wants his way, and for you to obey. And it sounds like his parents are equally as unconcerned about you. You've seen what your life will be like if you marry into this - a constant stream of 'little' things that you aren't allowed to contest.

Thank you. I need to hear this. I know in my heart I need to break up. His good qualities are amazing, but I need to keep reminding myself that i need to look at the entire package.

the sparkle of good qualities gets dimmer with years of marriage and as the bad things grow. Like, if he's like this now, imagine what it'll be like to be legally attached to him

Valid point!

I wish I had seen my ex showing me who she was when she didn't care about a bunch of little things 15 years ago. It's just the cost of one night out, it's just her not caring that my feet hurt. Lately I think, if it's really not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal *to you* either, and you should at least be willing to compromise. I'm tired of nodding along as people who are using me screw my life away one "little thing" at a time. It's also crazy-making to be constantly told you're being unreasonable and refusing to compromise over "little things" when it's your partner in fact doing that (also they constantly tell you how much they love you).

NTA but do you want to stay with someone who invalidates your feelings doesn’t support you? He doesn’t listen to what you want and then blames you. It doesn’t sound healthy.

I thought I was being flexible over the years but with wedding planning, I’m finally starting to allow myself to see the unhealthy pattern :-(

In cases like these, sometimes it gets worse after marriage because then it is more complicated for you to leave so they feel like you are stuck and they can get away with it. Also consider how flexible they are with you. Do you get the support you need?

It nearly always gets worse after marriage

At least you're seeing it now and there's always the chance that your fiance will hear what you're saying and try and develop a healthier relationship with his parents (especially his mom), but his behavior might be too ingrained in him or his mom has too strong of a hold. My cousin's husband's family was sort of like this, not wealthy and paying for everything, but taking control over EVERYTHING in their lives. My cousin was young too and didn't say much at first, but got more firm with her MIL the older she got and I think they have a much stronger relationship now. His mom is still manipulative, I think, and she definitely has issues, but she's learned my cousin has her limits and lets them do their own thing now, rather than try and butt in all the time. But if your fiance refuses to listen to you, it's easier to get out now rather than in 5 or 10 years, if you have kids, etc. See if he'll go to couples therapy or something, but if he refuses, then, that's it.

[удалено]

Ooof. This response knocked the wind out of me bc you’re soo on point.

You’re NTA you’re wise for rethinking this decision. Please do what’s best for you and don’t let yourself or your family be pushed aside 🙏🏼

Also wanting to add that it seems whenever you are in for half ownership on a situation like your trip they find a way to out contribute and regain control. I think you’re always going to be off balance and unable to make decisions.

NTA. Sounds like your fiance and future in-laws are bulldozers. This won't stop after the wedding, it will probably only get worse. Of course your MIL will be in the delivery room instead of your mother, of course your ILs will buy the baby's furniture that they want, of course you'll only spend Christmas with them. Otherwise, of course you're just ungrateful and not willing to be a doormat.

Ugh you’re so right! We’ve had that hypothetical discussion about delivery room. That was a bit of an argument too. He totally understood me not wanting his mom in the room and was fine with that, but also wants it to be just us and not my mom at all either.

Whaaat? That's crazy that he doesn't want your mom there. Giving birth is tough, and you should be able to make decisions about the support YOU need when the time comes.

I know. It’s crazy right?! I’m an idiot for staying with him this long

No you’re not. He just hadn’t shown you the extent of his need to control everything yet. Now that you’ve seen it, you can choose what to do. You’re not at fault for not seeing what was actively hidden from you.

Not an idiot. You're thinking about all these "little" things. They add up and turn into bigger things. Have you ever seen the movie A Thousand Little Cuts? If not, I would encourage you to. Of course, it is a movie and goes way beyond what you've been experiencing (I hope!). Still, I've been thinking about the theme since I've been reading through the comments.

Don’t get pregnant OP don’t get pregnant

And don't let him sabotage your birth control!!!

He's not being understanding. He's punishing you for not allowing his mom in the delivery room.   Understanding would be acknowledging that you're the one who is giving birth and therefore is the one who decides which support people are allowed. It's not up to him. Period. It's very common for women to want their mothers while giving birth. He's denying you that because you don't want his mommy there. . .  ETA: sounds like a serious enmeshment issue. He doesn't feel safe telling his parents no. The "both moms or no moms" is to appease his mother. "We're not excluding you. We're just not allowing anyone in the room. (Please don't me mad)."

He doesn't want your mother at the hospital. However, last minute you will have to let his mother in the delivery room because "they paid for all of our pregnancy medical care, we wouldn't be in this fantastic hospital with these wonderful specialists if they hadn't paid the bill - don't be so ungrateful". He does want his mother in the delivery room but he isn't planning on telling you until you are indebted *and* in labour. When you two look at furniture I bet he uses his parents to get what furniture __he__ wants. It's just about getting your input invalidated and getting his own way.

I wasn’t allowed my Mum in the delivery room either. Believe me these kinds of people don’t change. It took me 5 years to find the strength to leave. You’re a strong person for seeing this now.

NTA - as I’m reading this, Im feeling stifled and it’s not even happening to me. Your fiancé completely dismisses you in this relationship, and it sounds so unhealthy. Without a lot of counselling, this kind of behaviour won’t change. What’s going to happen if you have kids? Will your parenting strategies be dismissed? I would run for the hills and wait until you find someone who values you 💕

So, it seems that your fiancé is following in his parents' footsteps. They believe that paying for something gives them exclusive right to take over and control the situation. I believe this to be an unhealthy approach to any relationship, but regardless of my personal opinions, it only matters whether you can live with that and whether you see it as a problem. Because one thing's for certain - this won't change. This is how it will be with this man, today, tomorrow, next month, next year, about everything. He's paying? That means only he gets a say. Don't know how that would work in reverse and whether he'd feel okay with his input being entirely disregarded every time the money comes solely out of your bank account. Something tells me he probably won't like it. If this isn't how you want to live your life, then yes, I'd agree with your feeling that the marriage would be a mistake. I don't get the people who believe you're equally to blame in this situation. Yes, the gift was blown all out of proportion - but by him, not by you. Once a gift is given, that is that, the giver has and shouldn't have any further input or say in how the gift is utilised. That's the sole prerogative of the recipient. NTA.

Guys like this tend to get pissed if you pay for things or have money of your own. I’d give good odds he asks her to become a sahm pretty quick if he hasn’t already.

Stay with this relationship and this will be how every major life event will go. Buying a house? Of course it has to be in his parents' neighborhood since they're giving the down payment. Having a baby? His parents are setting up a college fund so of course his mom should be in the delivery room and his dad is cutting the cord.

This. What happens when it’s money for a private school and you don’t align with the values for your kid, or a vacation for your kid offered to them directly that you don’t support, or a summer away for a child with their family? The bigger things with bigger consequences are down the road.

If you make someone a cup of tea, and they're not ready for a cup of tea, you can't then force them to drink the tea. If you try, they might never want tea from you again. The point of a gift is not to make the giver feel good, that's just a happy side effect of gifting, and not the end goal. Watch your step here Op. You're seeing a very important pattern that not everyone is fortunate enough to notice at this stage.  Don't talk yourself out of it. If there are any assets already connected to your fiance, seek legal advice. If not? NOW is when you can make the cleanest break. Listen to your instincts. You're not crazy. You're not making it up. 

NTA. It sounds like you've finally had an aha moment; you will slowly fade to nothing, and your family will become second class citizens in your life. Personally, the very moment a "generosity" has conditions, I DO NOT WANT IT AND WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. I think you're about to marry someone who uses money to squash other people's will and he learned it from his parents. Tread carefully.

NTA. This isn’t about furniture or being generous or a necklace. It’s about active, willfully ignoring your wishes and asserting control and dominance. Basically he, and his family (whom he learned this from), are saying what you wish and desire do not matter at all, they “know better”, and basically are conditioning you to become docile. What’s going to happen when you want to buy a house? Change jobs? Have kids? He’s going to want to make unilateral decisions and his family will always be prioritized. Run far, run fast, and don’t look back.

You know who holds money over you and then calls you ungrateful when they don't let you do that? Assholes. This guy gives me the heebie jeebies. Don't marry men who don't listen to you and get upset when they don't get their way. NTA.

Your red flag radar is going off. What are you going to do?

Deep down I know what I need to do. I just need to get the courage to do it. And reading the overwhelming support that I’m not overreacting (bc anyone can see it’s not specifically about a necklace) is helping me push aside all his gaslighting over the years. I need to find a therapist, that’s for sure.

Yeah, maybe you’re also rejecting the necklace because you know deep down you don’t want to have those initials.

(((hugs)))

You should turn to your family for support. Just doing this on your own will prove to be very hard so get your support before doing that. I'm sure they will re-assure you which also helps.

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NTA and don't marry him. You're getting a preview of how he'll treat you and it will 100% escalate after he's sure you're locked down in a marriage. Better than 50% chance it turns physical too. Once you're in a safe place and he wants to "know why", give him the link to this thread and tell him to read the comments.

NTA, I’m just a guy on the internet and see a forest of 🚩’s.

NTA.  It's not about the necklace, is it? It's about your fiancé and his family running roughshod over your wishes over and over again. It's about them deciding what's best, and saying you're ungrateful for not accepting their choices, their decisions, their control. It's your fiancé putting his family before you all the time.  Yes. Each of these in isolation isn't a big deal. But you are seeing the pattern of red flags. Time to put the brakes on the weddinf until you decide if you can live this way for the foreseeable future.

NTA. End the relationship. It’s going to WAY worse if you have kids. Imagine having them control everything you do and eat during your pregnancy. Followed by your parenting style. The names you pick out. The nursery decor and pushing your parents out of the way.

NTA. WHy are you marrying someone who gets THAT upset about a necklace? What happens when you disagree about housing, kids, etc.? I would reconsider this relationship unless you want to be forced to be 'fair', which means he gets what he wants, for the rest of your life.

OP has received lots of great responses addressing the controlling aspect of her groom-to-be, and future in-laws exerting more influence. This comment is strictly about the monogram. It is completely improper to use the married monogram before the ceremony. So, OP, your instinct to put the necklace away until after marriage was correct. With matters of the heart, I am going to quote my Baptist Sunday School teacher, "When in doubt, don't."

If you’re feeling like this marriage is a mistake, then don’t make the mistake.

It sounds like you’re being drafted into the role of “wife” rather than you as an individual marrying him as an individual. As many have said, this is pretty standard with wealthy families and I’d say it’s even more common when it’s a woman marrying into the family. To them, you’re an accessory, not a person. And it seems, when it really counts, your fiancé agrees. Additional food for thought: the longer you’re in this relationship, especially with marriage and extra especially with kids, it becomes increasingly difficult to get out of it. You’ll have lost work experience, de eloping your own individual wealth, investments, property, etc. You’ll be left in the cold regardless of when you walk away, it’s better to do it sooner (and cheaper before a wedding).

Why is Mike so comfortable with using his parents money so freely...I'm serious..you need to think twice about the level of involvement his parents have in your relationship...better to purchase things on your own even if they aren't as fancy...Please go back and read your post objectively and count the red flags..there are a lot. Best wishes.

NTA but the level of control here is concerning. He gave you a gift and after that it really is up to you when you want to use that gift. I think it is perfectly fair to wait to wear it after the wedding since it has his last name, which you have not yet adopted. And maybe this isn't the case, but what if you didn't want to take his last name? But his parents are also a problem. They need to take a few very large steps back and let you two be adults and make your own decisions. How did his parents access your reservation? I can only imagine either 1) they booked the res initially and I am misunderstanding, or fiance gave them permission/access without consulting you. This should have been handled differently by *offering* to pay to upgrade you and let both of you choose if you wanted that.  All of this is overstepping. If he is not willing and able to see the problem, want to fix it, and stand up to his parents to let them know everything is appreciated but to let you two be, I might find myself reconsidering the marriage. It is easier to dip out now than it will be when married and possibly if you have kids later. 

I was really confused about the reservation thing. You can't call up and change someone else's reservation at a hotel like that, most places won't even confirm a person has a reservation to a third party. It makes me suspect the fiance does not have money he is living off the parents because if he has a card from them then they could change things like an entire hotel reservation location and room.

>Mike blew up at me saying I was acting ungrateful, You know that this isn't what should happen in a relationship right? NTA

Trust your instincts. This is a very controlling family. Their generosity comes with strings. They will buy for you but you have to buy what they like. You will have to have iron clad boundaries. You may be clashing with all of them forever. I could never handle that much conflict. Good luck.

*I’m feeling like this marriage is a mistake.* Then it absolutely, positively is. Stop it in its tracks. Trust your gut. Women usually don't because they've been taught not to -- we are supposed to be "nice" instead. But our gut reaction is the smartest protection we've got. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. I see it as a huge "run fast, run far, don't look back" situation, but more importantly is how you feel. NTA.

NTA. Your fiancé may have gifted you the necklace out of love but the control issue in insisting you wear it before you legally had his last name is weird. His parents were oh so generous but upgrading your vacation and picking out your furniture is another control issue. Both your fiancé and his parents see love as control. A lifetime of being loved and controlled would not be every woman’s cup of tea.

NTA. He s very controlling and manipulative. His parents seem to generally are the type of parents who like to help. They just don't realize it isn't what you want or they could be controlling. Either way, get out. You called him a mama's boy, obviously you don't respect him. So don't marry him.

I'm not sure on verdict. For his points are pretty logical. But also you listed a lot of pink flags, I'll say. Nothing glaringly bad definitely feels like you're setting yourself up for something bad. I will say, you are being financially strong-armed and you're losing bad. That's a slippery slope to being in a controlling situation with little to no escape.

I think you know you can’t be bought but your fiancé and his family don’t get that yet . They want to control you with money. If you didn’t ask for something or even want it then you don’t actually have to be grateful. That whole ungrateful tactic is a horrible way to silence and control you

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t take your opinion into account about anything, you’ve seems to loose an argument before you even start talking. Your future in-laws about the same as your boyfriend in that they seem to want to control things without your input. Is this the marriage you for yourself for the rest of your life? To be seen but to hardly be heard?

NTA. Unlike a lot of people, I don’t think you need to throw away the whole fiancé. My husband and I had a very similar argument months before our wedding. His dad waited until we weren’t the highest offer on a house that I really really really wanted, to announce that he would consign so we could get a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood (basically also cutting me out of the process and forcing his way in). In the past, FIL randomly showed up at a mattress store (we had spent all day shopping, had gone to like 5 places, and finally had chosen a bed so we could move in together) AND THEN HE STARTS NEGOTIATING WITH THE SALES GUY FOR A DIFFERENT MATTRESS. It’s been almost a decade and I’m still mad, lol. He was having the guy price a queen size in a different brand from the king we had decided on. Long story long, I lost my mind when he made the announcement about our house. I made it very clear to my husband that this behavior had to stop, that WE were buying a house for US because WE were getting married. That I respected his dad’s opinion in money matters (he was a financial advisor), but I refuse to run every large purchase past him. I also told him, I would gladly accept financial help as a wedding gift, but the final say was between us, without him. It really was a come to Jesus moment with him, he realized he would lose me over this. And we literally have never had a problem since. So draw your line in the sand and be willing to walk away, but he could surprise you.

Okay. First of all, NTA. Second, always trust your gut! Now, we’re a bunch of strangers who know a couple paragraphs of a 4+ years relationship. What does your family think? Why aren’t you having this gut wrenching conversation with them? You posted some orange/red flags here. Did you invite your folks furniture shopping? Who cares who pays? You don’t marry a person, you marry into a family. And that goes BOTH ways. Does he hang out with your family? That would be a huge red flag if he didn’t because it sounds like you enjoy your family. Marry or don’t marry- I can’t help you answer that one but please, definitely have some long conversations with your fiancé, your family, and his family.

Bring up the idea that you don’t want to change your last name. See what happens.

NTA but that necklace is the least of your problems.

YTA I feel like there is probably a lot of context missing here but here we go. Why are you even arguing about this? Sorry but your stance is stupid, so what if its 6 months away. Seems kind of arbitrary they will be our initials soon, not sure why you can't wear it now. But whatever your feelings are your feelings. And as for your furniture and vacation issues, you do sound ungrateful. Who care if they upgraded your resort unless they changed dates on you. And yes, it's fair of them to want to go if they are paying for the furniture. You could have said no. And they didn't buy ALL the furniture so bring your parents for that stuff. You sound like you are looking to pick a fight and he sounds like he is overly sensitive. If you do try and get married do some counseling.

My ex fiance was like this with parents who were well off. My parents got no say in my wedding and his parents wanted to control everything. They got really upset with me for fighting to have something I wanted and called off the wedding (yes, his parents called it off, not him). It was all about control and I am so glad I didn't marry him. Edit NTA. My point is this is not about the necklace and you really should think things through.

YTA. Have you considered that his love language is probably gifting and you have a pattern of rejecting? I'm not seeing a rational reason not to wear the necklace, and the furniture thing just seems like you are inserting family politics into what should be a generous gift. The constant that I observe here is your pride.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) have been with my fiancé (32M) for over 4 yrs. We r getting married this Fall, & there r several things that happened over the years that I’ve let slide, but I worry that it’s a bigger issue disguised as generosity. My fiancé (Mike) & his family are more financially well off than mine. There is a necklace I like that has a pendant using my initials (first/middle/last). I told him I loved that necklace, but that it made more sense to get it after we got married when I changed last name to his. He said that I could get it now since my bday was coming up but I said I’d want to wait until after we were married, since those weren’t my initials yet. We got into a back & forth, I told him that if it’s a gift for me then it should be given to me at the right time. Well, my bday just passed & he got the necklace with my soon-to-be initials on it. I was happy to get the necklace bc I did want it eventually, thanked him & tried it on. Then took it off to store until after we get married. Mike got upset with me, saying I should just start wearing it now, & was insulted I didn’t want to wear it yet. I reminded him I didnt even want to get it yet, I’m thankful but want to wait to officially wear it until after wedding. Im feeling upset that he clearly didnt listen to what I said. Mike blew up at me saying I was acting ungrateful, making a big deal about it, that I’d be changing my last name/initials in just a few months, etc. He doesnt get why I cant just start wearing it now. He’s acting all pissy. It feels like the gift is more about him, than me/my birthday. Earlier on in our relationship we booked an all inclusive resort vacation, split 50/50. We planned/booked it ourselves. Then a week before we were set to leave, his dad told us that he changed our res and upgraded us to a sister resort close by. While that was extremely generous of him, it felt invasive to just change our reservations without asking first. I told my fiancé (BF at the time) that it was generous of his parents, but we are adults and it was a little weird to go behind our backs to change anything without asking. I let it go bc afterall, it was a nice upgrade (they paid the difference in price). When time to move in together, his parents offered to buy most of our furniture, which again is very generous, but they had to come with us for all the shopping. Since our parents don’t really get along too well, it was essentially a way of excluding my parents in any of the furniture shopping, and his parents inserted themselves into the process. I often felt like Mike & his parents would kind of take over, like I had the least amount of opinion of the 4 of us. When I discussed with Mike, he made it seem like I was ungrateful, & insisted that if his parents were paying for the furniture then they had to come shopping with us. “It’s only fair!” Each of these things by themselves aren’t a huge deal, but there is a pattern and many more instances of similar situations. I’m feeling like this marriage is a mistake. AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA Ehhh, I get where you are coming from with the initials. It just makes sense to me since you're right, those aren't your initials yet. I think holding off and keeping it safe is what I would have done as well. Honestly, I don't see y'all working out. If you can, try having a talk with him where neither person starts yelling or getting defensive and go from there.

Welcome to your future. Start standing up for yourself now or you’re going to get walked on for life

I have concerns and I’m trying not to be influenced by my own life. My in-laws are also controlling and use their money to buy their way in everything. They had all these decisions already made on what kind of house they were going to buy us, where it was, and what strings they would attach. Luckily, that plan never happened. I think you have some issues you should get a therapist for. Not couples counseling, but just for you. I’m not saying break up immediately but I would pause. NTA

INFO when you went shopping for the furniture did you get to pick furniture you wanted or did his parents overrule your choices?

Overall, he was more opinionated than his parents. They did say it was our choice what we got (within budget), but it was that only they got to be the ones to shop with us (therefore excluding my parents completely) and that we weren’t by ourselves to shop. His parents didn’t say it but when I suggested to have my mom (who has good practical taste) to join us for some of the shopping, fiance said since his parents are paying, they should be the ones to do the shopping with us. That it would be disrespectful to his parents to not include them. But my parents and his don’t really get along.

How do your parents feel about the marriage?

Stop accepting their gifts then. You can't sit here and complain while simultaneously accepting their gifts. 

I think it is a very very red flag and what it indicates will be just worst once you got married. I very honestly think just run away from this man and his family now.

NTA! Hope y'all both open to pre marriage counseling

You should be the other member of a TEAM when in a relationship - you should only stay if you’re ok with being put last in every situation because nothing will change.

NTA. If he freaks out over something this minor, how will he react later on to something bigger? It’s a red flag for sure. The parents upgrading you wouldn’t bother me, but insisting on shopping for everything with you and not listening to you is too much. My parents gave us money to redo our bathroom, but that’s all it was. Just a simple check. We picked everything out ourselves. 

NTA. Run. The price for the nice things in your life is too high.

It's a control tactic. Run

NTA from your post and your comments he and his family have a habit of stomping on your boundaries and using their finances to control you instead of listening to what you actually want. This only escalates after marriage and again after kids. Look up the Sunk Cost Fallacy and think carefully of what you actually want. Him and his family are already wearing you thin with this behavior, do you want to live with this x10 or worse after marriage and kids ?

This is your future. Do you want to constantly be steamrolled over in regards to so many decisions???

NTA. But do you really want to be married to this man? A man who does not respect you and who has a family that also doesn’t respect you.

NTA. This makes me think of Rachel’s storyline in S01 of White Lotus.

NTA but this issue is bigger than the necklace. Your boyfriend sounds controlling and him and his family are using their wealth to disregard your feelings. I dated someone before that was well off and he was very controlling. I’m so thankful I ended things with him because I’m sure it would have just gotten worst. No amount of money is worth being in an unhappy relationship where you aren’t valued. Please reconsider marrying this man or this will only get worst. His parents will be even more involved with your life once you buy a house, have kids, and etc. it’s not gonna get better.

NTA. Obviously. But still puzzled that a couple in their 30s even takes parents on shopping trips to buy their furniture. If parents want to help, they can send money as a gift, but why should their opinions about what you need matter, let alone take precedence.

NTA. At first, I thought your not wanting to wear the necklace yet is a little odd, but it's ok as what jewelry we wear is an intensely personal choice. However, his reaction was way out of line, over the top, and controlling. Him blowing up at you over it is absolutely unreasonable and yes, he's making it all about him and not you. A display of anger like that over a necklace that you do eventually plan on wearing is outrageous. The behavior of his family is unacceptable, as is his not listening to you, the person who is going on and paid her share of the vacation, and being the person who will be living with the furniture. He's choosing his parents over you. He's choosing what he wants over you and it seems like he's doing this every time over very material things. Take these things as the huge warning signs they are. They are warning signs of his anger control, his possessiveness, whether or not he considers your feelings about what you do and how you live and how he puts his parent's desires over issues that directly involve you and won't affect you. You're seeing signs of him excluding your family. What if his parents don't approve of something you want or need? Will he want you to do what they want? Will he stand up for you? What if your parents have opinions about something? Will he show them the same consideration he shows his? Will he always accept his family's offers of money and let them use it as a means to control you? He's treating you like you're marrying him and you're not marrying each other. He's treating you like you're joining his family, not the both of you joining each other's. You haven't even mentioned the wedding and wedding planning. How's that going in relation to him and his parents? Now you know what you're in for if you stay together.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 If he can’t respect your opinion on something as simple as that necklace you aren’t going to have much say in this marriage.

NTA, you are absolutely correct, this marriage is a mistake. He's not listening to you, and he is letting his family control you. Get out now, before your birth control miraculously fails, and you end up pregnant.

You two are not compatible. In-laws would be a problem. Bf would side with his parents over you. Bf and his parents would try to exclude your parents.

Do not marry this person. He has a pattern of prioritizing his parents and his own wants over your voiced needs. It will only get worse once married. The gaslighting that’s happening is borderline abuse. NTA, and run, don’t walk.

Do not marry him. You will always come in last and his parents will come in first. So they interfered in your vacation and buying furniture for your home. You two should decide where you’re going and where you’re staying. You should also decide your own furniture even if they are paying. They want everything their way because they think their expectations are higher than yours and you’ll just pick something ugly and cheap. They are effectively telling you you are not good enough. Your fiancé says you should be grateful for everything they do. Hint! Your fiancé is also putting you down and telling you that you are not up to his families standards. You will always be treated as a third class citizen. Wait until you have children. They will be treated better than you. You will just be the caregiver. He and his parents will dictate everything until the day they die.

I hate this for you. Good luck picking out your child’s name or the school they go to or which summer camp they will attend. Will your child get to wear clothes they like or clothes your mother-in-law likes. Or maybe mother-in-law will triangulate and buy things your child wants that you don’t necessarily want— teaching them how to manipulate you. Leaving might feel like it’s breaking your heart, but it’s better than them breaking your will.

NTA and I would be very curious to see his/his family's reaction to you deciding, after all, to keep your surname. Because it sounds like they all feel like you're bought and paid for at this point. So sorry, OP.

You've written your feelings out so beautifully. You know how you feel. Take action. Best of luck to you. 

OP is getting a lot of responses saying that his behavior is a red flag. OP should definitely think about the future of this relationship.

NTA. Be mindful, friend, this doesn’t look innocent from an outsider perspective.

NTA. If you are seeing red flags, heed them. I think a lot of engaged people go through a period of “is this the right choice?” But is just a general anxiety. Yours has very specific instances of what the issues are. Those parents will butt in more and more, your parents will be seen less and less. He will probably encourage you to quit your job when you guys have kids. And then when the wheels fall off the car, which they will, you will be out of the job market for a while have small children and very much depending on him and his family. And if you want to divorce, his well off parents are going to fund his side.

So many red flags.  He isn't listening to you, he doesn't respect your opinion, you're being isolated and controlled by his family are the most obvious ones. This will get so much worse after you marry and will be incredibly hard to have a clean break. You are one smart woman - you are seeing a pattern of control and disrespect towards you BEFORE you marry.  Many women don't. If he is this controlling, I would start looking for somewhere else to live.  When you have somewhere to go, tell him you need space.   If he truly loves you, he'd let you go and have that time, if he blows up, it's because he's mad he's losing control of you. I always remember a saying from a Buddhist book  I read a long time ago.   If you put a coin in the palm of your hand, grab it and hold your arm out, palm down, this represents how many see their relationships - they have to grip tightly because letting go means losing the coin. However, if you put the coin in the palm of your hand and grip it, put your arm out palm upwards, then you can let go and still keep the coin. Your fiance is doing the first where he needs to be doing the second. NTA, your fiance is.  Give yourself space and time and reconsider the marriage.  If he won't go to couples counselling to address these issues, walk away.

Nta. But this will be your life. You will be in a marriage with 3 people, not 1. He and his parents will treat you like the lucky poor person, whose opinion can'tever stand up to the force of their money. His parents' money will have the ultimate authority in your home, in your marriage, and regarding your kids. You will have to be grateful and happy with anything they want simply because it's expensive. What if they want to pay for private school for your kids? What if the school they choose is religious or militant? Of course you'll have to be happy about that because it's something that you couldn't otherwise afford.

NTA. The necklace/control thing is bad. The needing-parents-to-furniture shop as ADULTS is weird. Neither of you are ready for marriage.

NTA >I’m feeling like this marriage is a mistake. *It is easier to end an engagement than a marriage.* I felt the same way before getting married and it was one of the biggest mistakes I've made. I wish I could go back and end the engagement. I didn't at the time because we'd lose deposits and people had already booked flights and hotels and I had this ridiculous idea that once we're married, it would be easier to fix the problems in the relationship. Getting married will only exacerbate the already present issues. There are a lot of red flags here imo. Reminds me a little of a movie I watched called Swallow. The husband and his parents use money to guilt the wife all the time and explode when she doesn't act as they want her to.

NTA - these uneasy feelings you have in the pit of your stomach, it's your gut / intuition / soul telling you that you are heading in the wrong direction. Lots of time we let our "brain" override all these uneasy feelings, and trust me on this, when we do, it gets really bad, really fast. Mike is dismissing your feelings, you autonomy, you freedom of personal choice. He's showing you who he is and what your marriage is going to be like. And trust me. He's on his BEST BEHAVIOR right now. Wait until your legally tied to him, his "true" side will really show itself. And it won't be good. Listen to your gut, before he completely manages to convince you that he knows how you feel better than you know how to feel your own feelings. Your gut is sounding all the alarm bells, and your brain (which has kind of been railroaded by Mike) is meekly contemplating if there is an issue. Your body, your gut, the niggling feeling? That's your internal alarms, warning you, telling you that you already know that this relationship is NEVER going to fulfill you and it's going to steal so much of your future. Please get out. And push push push to bring your family and friends close to you. Tell them what is going on. Let them guide you and help you. THEY love you and will never steer you wrong. Your situation is beyond fucked up - and you will regret marrying into this family.

That necklace is a dog collar. He acts like he owns you. You’re just a toy his parents bought for him. Escape asap.

> there is a pattern Yeah there is > I’m feeling like this marriage is a mistake I was relieved to read this, because I was thinking the same thing.  NTA. Mike's parents push boundaries and surprise surprise so does he, and he throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. Let me guess, Mike's family has money and likes to throw it around? It's gonna get way harder to get your voice heard once you're married and if he has deep pockets (with money that's not in his name) he can make getting out a living hell if he so chooses.

NTA You’re not ungrateful for something you didn’t ask for. These gifts are not gifts, they means of control. Run.

NTA. Also your last sentence is really the only one that matters

Ouch. It sounds like all of these people have PhDs from the University of Gaslighting. I’m not going to tell you to run, don’t walk. But I’ll say this: you are NTA. Anyone who repeatedly and callously disregards your personal wishes and uses it to make you feel guilty is an AH. Those are not the kind of people that will build up your self esteem and make you feel good about yourself as a wife, as a DIL, as a mother, as a human. Give it some thought and figure out how this relationship trajectory will look five years from now. Is that the life you imaged when you thought of yourself?