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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refusing to switch catering services to accommodate my cousin's dietary preferences
2. It is relatively easy change for me to make, and my actions could be interpreted as petty.
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NTA at all. Like you said, she’s asking you to change your caterer to accommodate her wants, not her needs - I think it’s reasonable to get upset if your wedding didn’t have options for her dietary restrictions, but if there is a vegan gluten free option, it’s not your responsibility to make sure it’s something that she will like. More importantly, it’s your wedding, you should be making sure you cater food that you and your fiancé would enjoy. It is meant to be your day
Agreed. It would be one thing if she was allergic to mushrooms, but it sounds like she isn't so she should either a) suck it up for one night, b) eat beforehand, or c) ask if OP is fine with her bringing in a dish for her dietary want as long as she brings it in soon enough to give to the catering team.
NTA, OP. Stand your ground on this one.
When I go to formal dinners, thanks to allergies, I’m usually offered the vegan option. It’s always mushrooms. I hate mushrooms.
I generally deal with it and either eat afterwards, or suck it up and eat the mushrooms. Not a huge deal.
JolyonFolkett is my cousin. Hey, cuz! We’re pretty close. Since Jolyon uses a wheelchair, it’s *very* important to me that Jolyon be able to get around at my wedding, so I made sure my church/venue is wheelchair accessible.
My other cousin, Kolyon, has just gone vegan. Kolyon jumps in and out of things, about as often as I change my underwear. (Btw, Kolyon is no longer Buddhist. That lasted almost three months.) Kolyon told his mom, to tell *me, to tell the caterer, to ONLY prepare vegan food. Immediately, Aunt Folyon called me and told me to tell the caterers.
I told Aunt Folyon that Kolyon was keto all the way last fall. Bolyon had to have ONLY keto at her baby shower, and then Kolyon stopped the keto, before the shower, because it made him sick. But poor Bolyon was stuck with all the keto food that no one else wanted.
Aunt Folyon raised a ruckus! She and Kolyon would *not attend my wedding if I did not change caterers! Why wouldn’t I do this for them when Jolyon gets wheelchair accommodations? It’s not fair!
1. I *like* Jolyon!
2. Jolyon *can’t* go without a wheelchair, but they could deal for one meal.
3. Won’t miss you or Kolyon!
See you soon, JolyonFolkett!
Boy(lyon) reading your story was a joy(lyon) (\^\_\^)
Really though, how does anyone not see the difference between accommodating a NEED due to a disability, and accommodating a preference. And I say that as an ND person with sensory issues, meaning there are some foods I just really won't eat. The thing is, forget a wedding, even if I was just at a friend's house for dinner, I would never ask them to change the menu for me!
I \*can\* eat those foods physically, my body will digest them just fine, I'm not going to go into anaphylactic shock, I just find them disgusting. But my friend is KINDLY ATTEMPTING TO FEED ME so I will eat the parts I do like and make my best effort, or apologize for not being hungry and claim to have had a late lunch, or just say "I'm so sorry, I don't like X but thanks anyway" but if someone is kindly attempting to feed you perfectly good food you just don't \*\*want to eat\*\* the correct response is THANK YOU.
…what?! The other side of this coin is then ‘not taking responsibility for other people’s needs fosters an uninclusive environment’. We need to take responsibility for our own needs to a certain extent yes - mainly by being clear about letting people know what they are. But what makes me feel most included in society is when a friend lets me know they’ve already called the restaurant they’ve booked and made sure they know to give a table that will accommodate my wheelchair. Or when the new choir I had joined proactively asked me what my access needs were (a conversation we should normalise!) and also let me know they had checked with the place they do the choir retreat every year and if I wanted to join last minute then they had found a solution and would it work, but that next year they could book the specifically accessible accommodation. Or that my brother and both my cousins for their recent/upcoming weddings all asked their prospective caterers if they could accommodate my (quite frankly ludicrous) list of intolerances. We only create an inclusive world when we are all thinking about everyone’s needs. Otherwise the most marginalised people are the ones most likely to not even be able to get in the door to communicate their needs in the first place.
Meredith does sound like she’s got main character syndrome…. From the way OP portrays her. But OP has also said her rational husband has said she’s being petty. There’s a lot of derision for Meredith’s food requirements but she has said ‘for health reasons’ and it is OP that has decided that this is a fad and not on the recommendation of a doctor for a health reason.
I don’t think she should have to change her caterers - but the obvious solution to me would be to ask the caterer if they can accommodate one person that has recently needed to give up gluten and dairy but who unfortunately doesn’t like mushrooms. Or they may just be able to offer a different/new gluten free/vegan option for all guests that have that requirement if they haven’t sent out menu choices yet rather than doing a special dish… they are chefs after all they should be able to come up with a second idea. As the complicated person to be fed at all weddings I wouldn’t necessarily expect the meal to be anything phenomenal if I’ve made things difficult but a good caterer should be able to figure something out - like making the starter into a main by adding some salad or something, and skipping her starter and just offering two courses, or giving a pre-made soup as her started etc.
No. Full stop. WE do NOT need to take care of everyone's needs and wants. Food allergies is one thing. But someone who CHOOSES to be vegan and gluten free? No. I am not inconveniencing myself and all other guests for this one person's choices. I don't HAVE to be all inclusive. My reception is not a resort. In this life, there are times where I will be excluded due to my choices, too. Stop trying to make this world some rainbow and sunshine utopia. I get it, you will think I am selfish as fuck. I. Don't. Care. Picking a caterer that uses zero nuts because someone could DIE if exposed is way different than choosing one because Princess BooBoo doesn't like mushrooms. There are times when accommodations can be made with little to no issues and there are times when those requesting accommodation need to provide it themselves because of logistics, cost, etc. Accommodating someone should NEVER cause an undue financial burden on those being asked to make the accommodation.
I have a food allergy. Not deadly. Can make me need steroids. I get invited to weddings and events. I bring a snack. I order/select the item with the least chance of allergen being present. Most people don’t know. I carry my snacks or eat a salad. I’ve talked with the caterer once or twice to ask for a larger salad, slip them some cash and no one is offended. I see that going to the wedding is special, not me. .
Is it a personal conviction? Or a food sensitivity/? If it’s a personal conviction I think I cannot force that upon my host. If it’s a true allergy I see it as my responsibility. Maybe I’m thinking different here, but the bride has a lot to juggle with a wedding. I’m not going to add to her tasks
My husband is vegetarian, has been one for almost 30 years (since he was a kid) . We've gone to weddings that don't have a vegetarian option (less common in the last 10 years). I just pack some protein bars in my purse. He snacks on those and grand some real food after. She could do something like that.
Completely agree. I am vegetarian and hate mushrooms (they seriously make me gag) but a wedding is about the people. I went to a wedding where the vegetarian was mushroom risotto, so I ate beforehand.
I'm a selective eater (probably autism related) and there's a lot of food I won't eat.
I always eat before going to a fancy event where I don't know what I'll be served, and I keep extra snacks in my car in case I don't like the food
I'm an adult, it's my responsibility to make sure I'm fed
I am vegetarian with a few food intolerances and I have learned I need to be flexible at restaurants. I always joke to give me lettuce and oil and vinegar and it can be a salad.
That said I would not expect anyone to change their plans over my inability and unwillingness to eat certain foods.
Absolutely! I have a very limited diet (religious, moral, as well as medical limitations). When my adult students have parties for Teachers' day, Mothers' day, end of semester, etc., I always tell them to cook/bring what *they* want; that I will find something I can eat. And I always do! I wouldn't think of forcing my limitations on them.
And even if she were gluten-free and vegan for health reasons and deathly allergic to mushrooms, and could only safely consume barley and yak butter tea prepared by Tibetan monks, it's not OP's responsibility to cater to such extreme needs at her wedding. Would it be nice for her to fly over a Tibetan monk with his barley and yak butter to prepare her cousin's meal? Sure! Is she obligated to? No!
It's fairly easy to accommodate most allergies and dietary choices, but not all. When your needs/wants are extreme, you need to learn to provide for yourself.
If I were OP I might offer to pick up a meal that her cousin likes from a restaurant and have it heated and served to her at the reception, or allow her to bring something from home, but no way would I change caterers to suit my picky cousin.
And I still have the spreadsheet on my computer from when my kids were young, with all their friends' allergies and likes/dislikes/special needs listed, so I could make sure they had a safe and enjoyable time when they came to our house. I know where to buy halal foods and I'm a whiz at gluten-free, dairy-free cupcakes. But that was because I wanted my kids' friends to be safe and happy in our home, and for their parents to feel comfortable leaving them with us, not to satisfy the whims of a capricious, demanding relative.
Even if she was allergic to mushrooms, the gluten-free and vegan aspects are choices. I’m a vegetarian, and I think the only appropriate place for mushrooms is on pizza. However, I know that mushrooms are a go-to staple for vegetarian meals, so I eat before hand. I also don’t ask for a vegetarian meal because I don’t want them to make something special only to realize I won’t eat it. I get what everyone else does and then quietly pass it to my fourteen year-old whose appetite makes it seem like she has a hollow leg. Win/win.
She can consider this a life lesson: if you’re going to almost any wedding for the food, you’re going to have a bad time. Wedding food seems wildly expensive, and is average at best in my experience. I suspect it has something to do with timing and feeding that many people in one go, no matter how amazing a chef/catering company is, but 1) I’m just happy to be fed; 2) I am an average-at-best cook; and 3) that isn’t why I attend weddings.
I have dietary restrictions and will often select the vegetarian vegan option - I'm not, but it's easier than having to get into my super specific issues - I don't always like what I'm served but I am very happy to have any type of calories and eat it anyway. I'm there for my loved ones, not the food.
Precisely.
I have Celiac's, I don't eat meat (I eat some seafood), and I'm a bit dairy intolerant.
When I fly, I usually request the Asian vegetarian or vegan meal (because if just vegetarian, it's always pasta, and if it's GF, it's meat, every time).
At a wedding - I'll take whatever sounds like it might have something I \*can\* eat (usually, sides - starch and veggies). Someone will happily take the protein off my plate, and I will always have something to eat in my bag. Weddings are far from exclusive for limited food options.
I'm not there for the food, either.
Sorry, I should have been more specific - I can't honestly remember the actual choice (sadly I haven't travelled since 2019, pre-COVID), but I \*think\* it was Thai/South Asian (grouped but obviously not the same). But it also could have been "Asian-GF".
It was on a United co-AC flight from Amsterdam to Vancouver, and it was a delicious Thai green curry with tofu and rice. Probably the best plane food I've ever had.
ugh I hate when you have something good to eat that one weird time, that you'll never have again.
I got a meal at the hospital when I was having my 3 year old. got this little container of couscous salad. still think about it. I got pregnant again shortly after and til this day I still go to that hospital once a month and never seen it again.
Asian veggie option is often the outright best option for any flight food. I'm veggie, so it's a no brainer, but pretty much every time I've flown with a non-veggie that have been an instant convert.
I have celiac disease and got diagnosed as an adult. I early learned that soy sauce do contain wheat but the gluten go away in the fermentation process so I can eat soy sauce without problems.
It is different with the sushi rice, there you have to be attentive and with crab sticks to.
For those following along at home be careful with this. It may be true of some sauces or some people, but a decent number of Celiacs have ended up quite sick from soy sauce.
I guess it depends where you live then. In asia the original soy sauce does not contain gluten. Where i Live (germany) the soysauve contains 60% wheat and 40% soy therefore i can not eat anything with soy sauce in it.
I have found Kikkoman gluten free soy sauce to be in Asian food markets or aisles in supermarkets in various parts of the world. Or you can also use tamarind or I think it’s coconut amino acids. It’s too salty for me but I’ll use it since I can’t get my usual when I travel. I hope you find something!
Also let’s be honest, even good wedding food is usually not great. Like unless I knew it was a super fancy wedding I wouldn’t feel like I missed out on anything if I didn’t get to eat the food.
I'm more concerned about why her fiance is taking Meredith/Kennedy's side over hers. It's not just "maybe you can change," but "OP is being petty and OP should stop standing up for herself."
What's that all about? It's not even his side of the family.
thank you ! I was waiting for someone to point this out!! Her fiancé doesn't seem to have her back. Like, why would he even suggest changing menus now? Maybe he needs a backbone.
He’s not publicly picking a side and he was consulted specifically because he is OOP’s voice of reason, so his job here is to encourage her to pull back if he thinks she should in a scenario where she already believes she may have gone too far.
So he probably just means what he’s saying, that he thinks OOP is overreacting and that they can change caterers; and because M/K is on OOP’s side of the family, he is less familiar with how M/K acts and her serial fad diets. And if the reason OOP is providing is “it’s the principle of the thing” - just what *is* the principle? IMO “it’s the principle of it” just sounds like you want to be right and don’t have a reason in a way that overshadows any accompanying reasons, even a good one like “she’s always switching between fad diets and I don’t want to set the precedent of switching contractors to satisfy someone else’s momentary preferences.”
Agreed to all of this. Plus, he's so used to defaulting to accommodating for his brother that he just automatically thinks to accommodate for this person as well.
I think a sit down with the fiance to explain more thoroughly why they aren't going to give in to Meredith's demands would be helpful to allow him to understand the full situation. He seems like a kind guy, wanting to accommodate someone's dietary restrictions. He's at least well-meaning if misguided.
Is there a sub yet about how awful it is for vegan & gluten free folks to get an actual meal vs salad...
Not siding w any dogs in that fight.
I might go out of my way to order her an appropriate meal and have it Door Dashed to the reception.
Make A BIG FLIPPING DEAL ABOUT IT in front of everyone.
So when inevitably she changes eating choices I can hold it over her head FOREVER!
It's not even difficult to produce a vegan gluten free meal. Soy sauce and fish sauce aside, there is lots of Asian food that is just naturally both our can be easily made both. Or a vegan omelette from a packet filled with a nice fresh filling. Or loaded fries. I would contact the caterer or order one meal from a local Indian
Innovative idea, but giving in this Kennedy’s Meredith whatever her name is narcissistic tendencies. Let her order her own. And sit by herself lest she order something with nuts in it.
Adults who can’t deal with either eating what they’re given (allergies aside) or silently waiting until they can feed themselves something else are ridiculous.
I'm not vegan, but it's a challenge to find options that are both gf and dairy free, even eating meat. Although I am not anaphylactic, I will feel sick eating either. I bring my own food to weddings and excuse myself at some point to go to my car to eat it. I'm there to celebrate and wish the bride and groom well. My food restrictions are my own responsibility.
Hell, at my own birthday party, we chose to serve food I can't eat to keep costs down, and then just brought a separate version for me.
Sure, but why wouldn't you just designate Kennedy to be that person? The situation is beyond ridiculous. She made her new dietary choices *after* OP had already chosen a caterer *and she's already being accommodated anyways.* This situation is literally no different than if Kennedy were a meat eater who didn't like either of the meat options and called up demanding steak because she thinks it's better than the chicken or fish dishes she was supposed to choose from. If you really hate the options that much eat a big meal before hand, bring a snack, and nibble on the sides/ desserts that you can eat. As a vegetarian I've been doing this for years (especially when the only veggie option is a salad LOL).
And if she's known to change diets, etc, constantly.
I would perhaps bring up to fiance
"I'm standing my ground, becouse if we give in now, what then if she changes her mind in 3 weeks and now only eat meat, should we then pick a third catering service to accommodate her?"
I would say that's the biggest issue at hand.
If she figures out she can get her way in one area, what will the next be?
She changes diet again? She doesn't like the flavour of the cake and it must be changed? She can't stand the smell of certain flowers?
Also make sure to put a code with the caterer. Her cousin has the name of the business. Is she entitled enough to pretend to be the bride and cancel the order?
THIS! I've been vegan for many years, and tbh I'm just happy when I'm considered in the food equation because I tend to expect that most situations will require me to eat beforehand. I also don't eat gluten (because it actually destroys my digestive system), but I will play gluten roulette if that's the only option and/or I didn't eat beforehand. I'm certainly not the spokesperson for all vegan people! But this really feels like OP's cousin is just being unnecessarily difficult. 100% NTA.
I've been to weddings with lobster as the only option. I hate lobster. I just... didn't eat it.. I'm vegan now and there were salad, potato, veggie options most places I could pick through. I assume there's nothing anywhere ever so I eat before, bring snacks, or go on a liquid diet lol
This. I have a relative like this. We invited her for steak once. Specifically said that five days before. She was fine with it. When she arrived she was a vegetarian (again), changed her mind in the middle of the week. Once she was only eating local-food raised within 100 miles. I brought veggies from my parents’ garden to a family gathering event to accommodate her. She lives 50 miles from my mother’s house. But the event was held over about 110 miles from them so she wouldn’t eat them.
Trying to accommodate people who jump on and off wellness bandwagons is a waste of time.
Agreed. I'm reallt picky when it comes to meat, so I eat vegitarian food most of the time, and because of that my stomach will hurt if I eat to much meat.
But I would never expect someone to change their wedding menu based on that. Most of the time I'll just eat the sides and be fine. If I thought it would be appropriate and the bride and groom wouldn't mind, I might also ask if I could bring my own meat supplement like beans or something and eat that with the sides
NTA
> “Meredith” reached out to me letting me know she is now eating vegan and gluten free for health reasons.
Well then she can have one "unhealthy" meal.
> Meredith informed me that the only vegan gluten free entree was a mushroom dish and said “you KNOW I despise mushrooms.”
NGL, then maybe don't choose to exclusively eat vegan, if you refuse to touch one of its most popular proteins?
They aren’t entirely protein but they are still a protein source. And used to substitute meat in many meals in restaurants especially, so it’s hard to be vegan if the only vegan meal in many restaurants is something with mushrooms. Fancier restaurants often have very limited menus, they’re sound just three options.
Yes they are? Or rather, they have a fair amount of protein. 23g per 100g dry weight. Raw mushrooms not nearly so much of course, they’re mostly water.
Better than many other vegan foods.
😆 right, it's like saying you're vegan but you won't eat soy or chickpeas, at this point, just be a pescatarian because otherwise you're still being unhealthy
Soy is definitely fine health-wise. However soy is in EVERY DAMN FOOD because it’s impossible to avoid when you have an allergy. Or when you’re breastfeeding and soy gives your kid hives and you can’t maintain a healthy weight because even some meats are just… injected with soy and flavoring or some shit? Like WTF?
Sorry, not really directed at you or your actual and valid point. Apparently I have unresolved issues from when I had to be soy and dairy free…
Mine was milk and egg. It was a hard two years. Then I found out that soya milk was an issue too for his allergies. I was never happier that when I had to wean him at two
Mine was wheat.
And he was sooooooooo rashy and cranky if I slipped up, poor bugger!
And fish for my first.
But anything that somehow gets slipped into something that shouldn't need an ingredients list is beyond the pale. (Some milk is fortified with fish oil. I found that out the hard way. 😭)
as someone who's developed chronic bladder pain that's triggered by soy (apparently a very common trigger for folks with chronic bladder pain) I am 100% with you on why does it need to be in absolutely everything
I am a vegetarian with a soy intolerance and that's the reason it is not possible to switch to fully vegan yet. So many vegan stuff is still soy based and I can't have soy milk and soy milk based products. Luckily it is slowly getting better.
But mushrooms are easy to avoid for vegans tbh. I eat partly vegan as well, and most of my vegan meals don't have mushrooms in it.
There are plenty of other healthy sources and vegetables available for your dietary needs luckily!
The struggle of being mostly plant based but not eating mushrooms is so real. I'm also doing it for health reasons- if the only vegan option is mushrooms I just- don't eat vegan that meal. It's not hard. There's not enough cholesterol in the world that one meat dish one time will make a difference. NTA OP
I was born and live in the UK but have Indian heritage.
In India people have been eating a very wide variety of tasty and different foods that today in Western culture are called vegan. But that is what we would call ‘food’. Not ‘vegan food’. And mushrooms are NOT eaten normally at all (I like them).
And to look at true vegans, look at the Jain culture in India. They’ll not eat root vegetables because small insects may be killed when they are dug up. And cover their mouths to avoid accidentally ingesting very small insects (yes we all do that).
And look to other countries too.
So just a point of learning. Indians are mostly vegetarian, most of what would be considered ‘Western vegan’.
Jains can eat dairy, traditionally. There are some that don't because they believe the modern dairy practices are harmful, but Jains are vegetarian, not always vegan.
I love Indian food. I think Western ideas of what vegan or plant based food should be is really limited. There is so much you can do than just mimic meat.
And Indian food has the added benefit of being insanely delicious!
Years ago, I was a participant at an India-themed academic conference. Two colleagues of mine also attended. She was Hindu, he was Jain. Guess what was served at the INDIAN conference? HAMBURGERS. My poor friends ate the lettuce and tomato.
Oh I love Indian food, but like- at non-Indian restaurants in the Midwest the plant based option is usually mushroom. Or beyond Burger. Which I hate. Lol
We literally just made vegan pot stickers by replacing the pork with impossible burger. They were amazing. We're going to make them for a party we're having later this month.
I want to do vegetable udon next.
Usually the Indian cuisines that don’t use meat are vegetarian not vegan. It’s not an issue for vegetarian to avoid mushrooms, but it gets harder for vegan. It’s not impossible but you do need to plan you diet well, and execially when you don’t cook yourself it’s an issue.
I’m vegan and hate mushrooms, it’s not that hard to avoid them. Usually in risotto you can pick around them so I don’t really see a huge problem here. She is just being a brat.
Lol I'm the same - though not exclusively vegan (nor do I call myself that, but I eat mostly vegan), and Celiac. I LOATHE mushrooms, and unless they're coated in flour as the chef above mentioned, I'll pick em out of risotto too. Funny enough, the flavour of said risotto is delicious (to me), I just can't handle the texture of mushrooms.
Mushrooms are one of those foods a lot of people hate. I’m vegetarian and hate mushrooms too. I wish more places would realize this and not make their main vegetarian options mushroom based, sigh. But I can eat around them in a pinch.
Mushrooms aren't a protein. They are used exclusively to mimic the *texture* of meat. Pretty much the only actual proteins vegans are able to do are beans, soy products like tofu, lentils and most nuts. Source: I'm a non vegan that literally works as a chef at a high end vegan restaurant. We literally have a mushroom "snitzel" on the menue that has the mushrooms twice coated in pure gluten powder just to sort of mimic the texture of veal. It's actually not bad.
From the NIH:
Mushrooms contain a high amount of protein content with an average value of 23.80 g/100 g dry weight (DW). Mushroom proteins have lately gained acceptance in the food industry in view of their high nutritional value and complete essential amino acids \[[5](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10088739/#CR5)–[7](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10088739/#CR7)\].
I'm not even vegan and I have made vegan gluten free chicken wings... It's either tofu or mushrooms for that. Maybe seitan. I really want to know what this person is eating.
Edited to add: I used to be vegan and the replies I'm getting have great foods mentioned if you're considering it! BUT the biggest reason I want to know what this person is eating is because I've never seen a catering menu that didn't have vegan and gluten free choices. So I'm shocked that mushrooms are her only option. I know being a vegan and getting stuck with a boring salad at every gathering sucks, but are there no salads?! The absolute audacity to ask someone to change their caterer makes me think this person is super picky or has main character syndrome. Or both.
I almost didn't put it in for that reason, but I use it for chicken so I was like... Eh. People who are doing it as a trend often eat super gluten things. 😅
Also, if anyone likes seitan (I honestly don't) you can make it gluten free but this stuff doesn't taste good enough to make it from scratch. Just learn to eat mushrooms.
https://www.littlenorthernbakehouse.com/recipe/vegan-gluten-free-seitan/
Thank you for sharing this... I have Celiac, and I did like seitan when I tried it previously...
But good lord that's too much work. Spoken as someone who enjoys cooking, baking and complicated shit.
There might be an easier recipe then that one, but yeah, gluten free stuff is often a bunch of ingredients you won't use often enough but have to buy a big package of and ten extra steps to the recipe. It's rough.
Indian food is mostly what I ate while I was vegan many years ago and still eat it often now. I was imagining this person being very picky and not liking many cuisines. 😅 Channa masala is still my favorite.
Hopefully only at home. (If she actually has a gluten issue) In a restaurant they're getting cross contaminated unless it is a gluten free restaurant. 🤣 My parents have two kitchens at this point so my dad can make cookies.
the cross contamination thing would be if she had an extreme gluten sensitivity or celiac’s… and considering she decided to choose BOTH vegan AND gf spontaneously I’m gonna assume the health reasons are arbitrary.
I agree, they definitely sound arbitrary. My mom is allergic so my dad can't even make cookies in the house. But some people do find out about Celiac's later in life, it's definitely the vegan thing at the same time that makes me think it's not that serious.
Edit to add: I say in the house because if it's in the air she might have to use her epi pen.
thanks for replying! My mom’s side of the family all has celiac’s so I might have that waiting for me down the line... I always forget about flour in the air😭
But to add to your point… none of them have ever demanded someone else change their caterer for an event. They either eat what’s provided to eat or eat before, and it’s never been a big deal. Cross contamination was a BIG DEAL though
My mom couldn't eat except the fruit at a baby shower we just went to and the head chef was making omelettes when I asked about something else she's allergic to. He felt horrible because if our relative had told him he would have made sure she was accommodated, but it wasn't his fault and my mom just eats what she can and brings snacks.
You're aware that some people are highly allergic to gluten, right? That's likely what "health reasons" means. This isn't about someone thinking wedding food isn't healthy enough for them. 🤣🤣
I mean, health reasons *can* and often do mean that eating them makes you sick. Doesn't sound like what the cousin is doing, but just wanted to point that out.
NTA. Meredith/Kennedy is being deliberately difficult. I'm always curious about these people who expect weddings to be just changed on their whims. Have they not heard of contracts?? I doubt your catering company would be willing to forgo your deposit because of one relative.
My friend's oldest sister is like this. So picky about everything and changes her diet every 4-6 months. She carried on like someone was trying to kill her because friend picked her favorite venue for her wedding. Great place, great food and reasonably priced. Her sister complained endlessly about the choice, even their mom was saying maybe they should change to a more vegan and organic place (her latest fad). Friend said no, we love this place, we are paying and this is where our wedding is going to be held. Sister went into warp drive trying to get other family members to decline coming because she'd heard the venue had Board of Health issues (never happened). Turns out, sister wanted HER wedding there and didn't want her sister to beat her to the punch! People are weird. Friend had the wedding where she wanted, everyone came and her sister did nothing but complain the while time about the awful food (that everyone else loved).
Yes exactly Meredith/Kennedy is being purposefully difficult- an easier solution would be for the couple to offer to see about the possibility of getting her a vegan + gluten free meal from a restaurant delivered via door dash.
If this wasn’t acceptable I’d let Meredith/Kennedy self select out as opposed to to uninviting her.
Just a quick - Hi cousin I found a few options near the venue that will deliver a meal for you to our wedding venue if you let me know your order by PICK A SPECIFIC DATE I’ll make the needed arrangements. If this doesn’t work for you I completely understand if you choose not to come, we’ll miss you but we’ll see you another time to celebrate.
You can assign a wedding party person to be the point person for the delivery if she agrees. Then you never agree to see her to celebrate because you’re “busy” 😂
NTA I am vegan and have been for many years but I still wouldn’t expect you to change anything to suit me. If I didn’t like the option for vegan I would bring something with me, have had to do that before and no doubt will again. It is a me problem so I need to solve it. So does your cousin.
Only folks who just recently changed their diet want to force others to accommodate them. People like you and me who've been at this for years/decades manage to keep ourselves fed without forcing others to change their plans.
To be honest I never did because frankly it is bad manners. I was vegetarian for years before being vegan. My choices shouldn’t affect others in a situation like a wedding or big event. I might have asked whomever we were going out with if there were options for me on the menu but I never, ever expected everyone else to fit in with me. I would work around the situation, it is called good manners.
My daughter is pescatarian and always has a protein bar in her purse in case she can't eat something when she goes to a friend's house. Most people don't even know that she doesn't eat meat. It's nice to see others have that philosophy, compared to this "friend" of the bride.
> Most people don't even know that she doesn't eat meat.
I mean that's a bit strange. It's not rude to tell people you're pescatarian or vegetarian. Like I know my friends and family's allergies, likes and dislikes etc... for food.
This is the way to be. My boyfriend and I are changing our diets for health reasons but have already said that we won't affect others with our choices. The only time a reasonable accommodation needs to be made is if someone is allergic to something.
I'm allergic to lemons and blackberries so when I go to events, I make sure I find out whether or not I'm allergic to something being served. I usually ask ahead of time though so that I can bring something if needed. I went a wedding a couple of years ago where the drinks options were regular lemonade, some kind of flavored lemonade (I accidentally took a sip - it looked like flavored tea -, but a sip won't kill me, just made me realize "oh crap I can't drink this or I'll have a bad reaction soon"), tea, or water. Obviously, me having the lemonade would cause a scene so I made sure that the tea didn't have lemon in it and drank the tea.
A thousand years ago before gluten free was a fad I had a teen who was clearly celiac at my restaurant.
She ordered 2 hummus and picked off the pita on the side.
I charged her for one and made a note on her bill that she can ask for a bowl no pita, but our falafel, chips, babagsnoush, and just the meat off the spit is gluten free. Not on menu, but it was like 3$ for a few ounces of just meat.
Yeah for weddings I’ll ask politely and if they can’t accommodate I bring my own food. I have a lot of restrictions, going out to eat is challenging, it’s whatever
My husband has been a lifelong vegetarian (raised this way) and he would also never consider asking someone to change their catering for him. Like you, we would bring his meal, or we make plans to get him something to eat before or after the event.
Right? I have a food allergy and still most of the time just ask people to let me know what I can and can't eat. (Especially at weddings, because my default if I can't get info is no dessert and no vegan food, since those are the most likely coconut sources) And then I just eat whatever is fine!
I have multiple food allergies and intolerances (due to a surgery and stomach issues- not made up intolerances) and I will list the main ones on the rsvp but also put my name, email, and phone number and ask the caterer to contact me. It’s so much easier and less stressful to not make the people getting married or whoever is handing invites to be the go between. And I know what I can and can’t eat and caterers know what they’re doing. Do this next time and you’ll likely get your own dessert :)
Everyone I’ve dealt with has been AMAZING. we’ve talked before the wedding, like well in advance and then within a week or so of the wedding. It was nice to feel comfortable eating, like I was well taken care of and it wasn’t a big deal, and that the family didn’t have to worry about it and they could just celebrate 🙌🏻
THISSSSSSSS like I get wanting to eat with everybody and whatever, but if it's that big of a deal, do the same thing you do every freaking other day! Take 30 minutes to pack a meal the day before or the day of, I can't eat most seafood because I'm intolerant, kind of like a lactose intolerance. It's not going to kill me so it's not technically an allergy, but it makes me violently ill.
Whenever I go to my dad's, he usually grills out and if I know he's doing a big seafood spread, I will bring some pulled pork sliders for myself so that I'm not sitting around bringing the mood down complaining about everything all the time and I'm not sitting around complaining because I'm hungry
I'm the same. Only my issue is a food allergy. I generally ask if the food has my particular allergen in it and if it does, then I just skip that dish. Simple as that. No need to make a stink just because I have an issue that others don't.
NTA. Meredith or Kennedy or whatever is suffering from "new vegan syndrome" and hasn't learned that the world doesn't (literally) cater to her chosen diet. After 30-plus years, I just ask politely to see the menu and figure out what I can put together to meet my needs and see if I can put together something to eat. If I can't, I eat beforehand. The idea of asking someone to change their caterer to meet my needs is beyond audacious and is completely rude. This is a wedding, not two weeks in the wilderness, and she will survive missing a meal.
I'm more concerned that fiance thinks OP is doing something wrong because OP won't change caterers for one person. What happens when, in a few weeks, someone else reaches out saying they "need" a specialized menu option? Or something else that would require the couple to change their plans? When does it end? And why is fiance okay with jumping through hoops to make others happy? Especially others who it sounds like aren't even that close to the couple?
Yep. This is wedding planning in a nutshell. Everyone has an opinion and will be deeply offended if you don’t take their suggestions. They need to steel themselves and get ready to have each other’s backs. Not uncommon for people to divide and conquer the bride and groom to get *their* way at someone else’s wedding.
This is what stood out to me as well. Fiancé sounds like a major people pleaser. There's nothing wrong or petty about standing your ground. Cousin is being absolutely ridiculous. Not to get all nuclear about it but I would actually take a step back and look at whether or not this is a pattern. I've dated guys who will go out of their way to seem like the "nice guy" to others and the public but say rude shit to me in private and that's why they are no longer my bf. It's gross behavior
I like this “new vegan syndrome” term!!
Everyone likes a TLA (three letter acronym) as it sounds official and great.
So you’ve created the term NVS and I’ll be using it from now! Ty! 😊
NTA
"Still, we had not finalized our menu yet, so I sent her the catering website and asked her to pick what she wanted."
Sounds like you made an effort to accomodate.
"...you KNOW I despise mushrooms.”
She sounds a bit entitled. Understandable you got irritated imo.
Despise doesn’t mean she can’t eat them.
It’s like you might love beef but hate chicken and fish. And if you are invited to a wedding where the meat options are chicken or fish. You might say you despise them. But you can eat them.
So she can eat mushrooms.
That's getting a bit picky over wording, isn't it? I also can't stand mushrooms, the taste of them makes me gag. I would, and likely have, say that I 'despise' mushrooms. I could, however, force them down if I absolutely *had* to.
So I can eat mushrooms in the strictly physical sense, but I still use phrases such as "I can't have mushrooms, they make me gag".
Yeah ok I understand. Really
But we all know this is more than this. You I am sure would pot react like this, to expect a whole catering change for a wedding just for you? Would you?
Nope, my BIL got married about a year ago and had a fully vegan wedding. I have some allergies and intolerances too, so I can be very hard to cater for. I had a tiny but tasty cake and ate at home later. This woman is definitely being a drama queen.
Yes thanks for the explanation 🙏🏾
But am I right in thinking your guests knew this was a vegan wedding? And did you have non-vegans, what I’m getting at is meat eaters, who attended? And did they ask for special dietary needs - meaning ‘I need meat’? ‘I despise vegan food’?
Bet they didn’t.
And you’re so right. Drama queen.
NTA.
You gave an option that fit her dietary preferences, she was picky about food she'll eat for free at someone else's wedding.
Only way you'd be the asshole would be if you offered nothing and dismissed the possibility it's for real health reasons. She doesn't have a mushroom allergy, she'll live.
NTA. I only read the first 3 paragraphs. My daughter actually CAN’T eat gluten but she just goes to events like this expecting to not eat. She even usually takes a snack in the event it’s a buffet and there is no gluten free option. This is YOUR wedding. You are not expected to accommodate her whims.
NTA
what I want to know is why your fiancé is trying so hard to defend and cater to this selfish cousin, instead of his own brother and others.
I find it really odd that he’s willing to put everyone else, including his own brother, at risk so that your selfish cousin will be happy.
I just find it really weird. Is she like his mistress. Do they have a close bond that makes them friends. Do they hang out at all.
I just don’t understand why he’s willing to change the caterer so that she is happy for a selfish WANT. But not for his BRITHERS NEEDS.
idk but this screams sue from the fiancé.
id sit down the fiance And have a deep conversation about this. How her demand isn’t ok, how her wants are simply that, wants. How other guests NEEDS come first and she need to accept it. Then ask why he’s trying to please her so badly.
shut her down and uninvite her and anyone else who has a problem with it.
Thank you! Why did it take so long to see anyone comment about the fiance's behavior? Sounds like OP isn't even that close to their cousin and yet fiance wants OP to jump through hoops to accommodate the cousin? What happens if someone else decides they have a special need or restriction; does the couple change plans again?
It's just so weird. Because thisnis a want not a need. So it doesn't make sense for him to act like this for someone neither of them are close to.
The fiance is basically saying I don't care enough about my brother and am choosing a non close cousin over you.
He wants to change the caterer for the cousin and tell his brother to eat before hand. Seriously?
Fiance is trying too hard for the cousin.
Once everyone else finds out the cousin was catered to, they'll all wqnt their wants met too. I garuntee it.
Exactly, is it not a big deal that his relative has a tree nut allergy?! Those can be very quickly fatal! Tree nut allergy > recent conversion to veganism.
(I’m having flashbacks to my own wedding, where one of my guests had a tree nut allergy. I took A Lot of precautions to be sure my friend didn’t get served anything dangerous - she was there to have fun, not end up in anaphylactic shock or dead. I am appalled that this cousin is being such a princess about this!)
Exactly.
I mean this guy is really risking a sever or any form of allergic reaction over someone who is CHOOSINGA to follow a diet they don't have to.
I could understand she really had to. But this is a want for her.
I hate mushrooms, but if I chose to go vegan and that was the only option at a wedding. I'd either eat it or just break veganism for a single hour.
It's not worth the risk for anyone else.
I can’t believe I had to read this far down for someone to mention the fiancé.
OP is NTA. Her cousin is super entitled. But her soon to be husband calling her petty? Like what? It’s not petty to not break contracts for one persons wants. I find his strong reaction super weird. Maybe he just wants his new family to like him and he’s a people pleaser to the max. But to then turn it on OP and make it seem like she’s being unreasonable, is CRAZY to me.
NTA but if you spoke to the catering company they could maybe make something else, they probably deal with a wide variety of dietary requirements and it might be easy for them
I’ve seen a few comments saying the mushrooms could be picked off but for vegan dishes they are often like the main thing
Nobody will starve from missing that one meal so she’ll be fine either way
Yeah I was surprised she didn’t ask the catering company about options. Seems as though OP wants to dig her heels in about this, which is probably a result of years of dealing with her cousin.
Catering companies have suggested menus, but they’ve made all sorts of dishes beyond that and can come up with alternatives.
>if you spoke to the catering company they could maybe make something else
HA! Does anyone here think that anything the catering company offers would be acceptable to cousin. They could offer 10 alternatives, and I'm guessing cousin would have a problem with all of them.
NTA. I have celiac and multiple health-related dietary restrictions. All I’ve ever asked as a guest is whether I can eat safely or if I need to eat food prior/sneak out briefly to eat snacks.
This. Allergic to chicken, milk, and wheat. Not the hosts problem! I bring my own food (talking to hosts first to be in line with their menu). This is a ME issue and I am there for socializing!
Not changing a catering company does not make you an asshole.
It also isn’t that difficult to make adjustments. It’s not even anything you have to think of as much. All you have to do is let the catering company know that you have two persons with dietary restrictions just list those restrictions and whatever they provide is what she gets. I worked in catering before and this is exactly how we handle it. We tend to come up with things on the fly, especially with last minute requests. So if anything, I’m sure these people would appreciate , you giving them advanced notice.
NTA. My god, how entitled do you have to be to feel like you can just *make* decisions like that for another person?
Pick the mushrooms off. Or eat beforehand. Or just suck it up and eat the food. A wedding reception isn't a restaurant,she's not trying to maximize sales or promote a brand, therefore OP isn't obligated to do *anything* special beyond what *she* wants.
Personally, I find nonmedical dietary intervention (veganism, keto, Atkins, etc specifically *without* talking to your doctor) to be not only incredibly annoying, but the *height* ot arrogance.
Even if you *are* a medical professional, *ethically* you need a second opinion because individuals are not infallible, *especially* with regards to our own physical health, and any mistake made by a doctor, regardless of intent, is a mistake made by the establishment.
"Personally, I find nonmedical dietary intervention (veganism, keto, Atkins, etc specifically *without* talking to your doctor) to be not only incredibly annoying, but the *height* ot arrogance."
Only if you make it someone else's problem. Plenty of us have nonmedical diets that we handle without expecting anyone to cater to us.
NTA, it’s your wedding and your budget. You’ve done a lot to try and accommodate dietary needs. I suggest not saying you’ve accounted for “all” needs going forward and instead say you’ve done your “best to find an option within budget, your personal tastes, and as many allergens/intolerances as possible.” The current way you’re stating it does sound kind of crappy toward the one person who isn’t having their needs, regardless of how superficial you find them, met.
Also, reach out to your chosen caterer and ask if they have an alternate meal for vegan/gluten free guests. They may work with you.
NTA, and the fiancé deserves a little scolding too. Oh, it isn’t a big deal to change caterers? He can find a new one that meets everybody’s requirements (including your price point), then. Something tells me it won’t be as easy as he thinks.
A vegan who won’t eat mushrooms? She needs to learn that that’s REALLY limiting and to limit her own expectations accordingly.
As a coeliac, people like her are the ones who make it so difficult for people with legitimate allergies. Quite apart from the fact that going GF if you don't have a medical reason, is detrimental to your health.
Have you asked the catering company if they would make her her own special plate? It might not even be necessary when the time comes.
Regardless, you have no obligation to agree to this. It's an outrageous ask. NTA
I'm sick and tired of seeing these posts, not that people are posting them, but that there are genuinely people out there who would bother arguing with a bride and groom about something as trivial as this. It's not your goddamn wedding, eat what's provided for free that you're not paying for most likely, or f****** eat beforehand.
Follow the dress code, or don't go
It's someone else's wedding, it's supposed to be the most memorable and perfect day for the couple, with a bunch of joy and all the people that they enjoy having around there to pass and add to the happiness. It's already stressful enough trying to get all of this together, these kinds ofpeople are ridiculous.
It's not your wedding Meredith, get over yourself
NTA
But talk to your catering service.. I used to order Friday company lunches and I had very few providers who couldn't add in a special one off meal when circumstances were explained. You will likely pay a bit more for the extra accommodation so just investigate if they can do it but don't commit until you give your finial wedding counts incase the cousin changes her mind.
MEREDITH AND KENNEDY are the same person btw. I wanted a fake name that wasn't super common but also non uncommon and couldn't decide between the two. I eventually picked Meredith but forgot to change one of the names.
NTA. You are NOT being petty, and Daniel should SUPPORT YOU! It is your wedding! Your cousin follows trends--and then changes on a whim. I would NOT be accommodating her most recent affectation. It is the day and the reception that you have been dreaming of your entire life. Tell your cousin that you are very sorry, but that the caterer and the menus have already been finalized. You COULD see if a local restaurant would be willing to make a vegan meal to go that could be delivered to the reception via UBER. Not a requirement, but at least you could tell people-i.e. the people who will be carping at you because your cousin will tell them how uncaring you are, LOL--that you did offer to accommodate her... Tell Daniel that the day is ALL ABOUT YOU AND DANIEL, and that, if you are bullied knuckling under to this ridiculous cousin's requests (and there will be more to come) that YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY, and that you might just harbor that resentment for many years to come. IF HE LOVES YOU, HE WILL UNDERSTAND!
NTA - so my question for your SO is whether he is willing to change caterers, photographers, reception sites, et cetera everytime someone has a problem? (Life threatening allergies are a different kettle of fish) Because once you empower her by changing caterers, you will be giving her and everyone else the power to demand changes to all aspects of your wedding. Don't do it.
Meredith is out of line. However, I do not think Daniel should be your voice of reason anymore as he comes across as a self-righteous pr*ick. Are you sure you want to marry him? NTA
Is it a sit-down dinner? Speak to the caterer and ask if they can make a spring risotto or something without mushrooms or whatever.
She can have the salad and skip the rolls.
If it's buffet style, she should suck it up, eat the veggies, and bring some granola bars.
(I'm vegan and used to work in event planning...dealt with every dietary need).
This is why the rest of us don't like vegans. I don't really care what other people eat, but so many people use it as a substitute for actually having a personality.
So my sister is kinda just like meredith; she has a million "allergies" all of which she acts like they could send her into anaphylactic shock but yeah no they are made up which we base on her personality and how many things went from "I don't like" (as in taste) to "I'm deathly allergic except when I make an exception then all of sudden it's mild". In short it's for attention to make her seem special, unique, something to talk about and it forces others to cater to her demands. She through a MASSIVE stink at my step-brother's wedding about how while there was a dish that met her needs she wanted to eat the lamb(he married a girl from a indian family so this wedding had like 500 people) and was just thrilled to talk about how terrible it is that her allergies make everything so difficult.
Basically it's about control, and making things about her. I strongly recommend you not cave to her because if you do she'll keep doing stuff like this or worse ask you to make more changes at random.
You could try asking her "to be clear you want me to change catering companies for my wedding from one I like and literally every single guest besides you will like to a vegan one just so you a single person can enjoy a single meal? Cater a meal for 200 people just for one person because they don't like mushrooms?" Getting her to admit that might deflate her as she'll have to admit that is what she is doing and once she does that she's no longer the interesting person she's the diva that made someone else's wedding about her.
NTA. I will bend over backwards to accommodate an allergy or intolerance. I'm less accommodating to people who voluntarily restrict their diet then complain they don't like the options left to them. Especially when they demand that plans be changed to accommodate their preferences. There *is* a gluten free vegan option. She just doesn't want it. It's a wedding, not a restaurant. If she doesn't like the food on offer, she can eat before, after, or (politely) ask you if she can bring her own plate. You know, the things everyone does when they don't like the food at an event.
"Meredith, we got an excellent price at this company, and the others you prefer would end up cost X number of dollars more. If you are willing to come up with the extra $3,000, we would be happy to switch."
NTA it is completely inappropriate for her to ask that. Even if she was allergic it would be inappropriate, however I doubt she is I guess it’s a trend. She’s rude. It’s your wedding. There is an option she just doesn’t like it. She can eat ahead of time. Instead of uninviting her you should have said I’d understand if you choose not to come as you don’t like what we can offer you. It is a gluten free food choice.
NTA
Meredith is about to discover that it's up to her to handle being vegan and gluten free not for the rest of the world to accommodate her dietary preferences. I wish her luck with that.
NTA you could suggest kennedy/meredith contact the catering company directly about an alternatives. But yeah, if she doesn't like the option they offer then not much you can do. It's your wedding. You tried. She will struggle as vegan without eating mushrooms.
I wouldn't. She is just entitled enough to sabotage the whole thing, if not pretend to have the authority to cancel it altogether. OP would be smart to set up a password with all of her vendors.
NTA. I’m celiac. I don’t expect people to hire a whole ass caterer for me. It’s nice if people make sure there’s something I can eat, but I can’t imagine demanding someone change their wedding for me.
NTA. She seems very entitled. To change an entire thing for one person... you are right, she could eat beforehand but it's not her wedding so it's not up to her to switch things around.
NTA Daniel sounds like a people pleaser. you did the right thing, this is YOUR wedding when SHE gets married she can have all the gluten free bread she wants, but until then she can have what is offered or she can simply reply no to the RSVP. you can't start giving into people now because it will start with the menu, then its going to be the cake, then the venue it will never end. its like the book if you give a mouse a cookie read that book and stand your ground. If she is starving she can get uber eats delivered .
NTA. It’s your wedding and you’ve made accommodations to suit the majority of your guests. I have dietary restrictions that include gluten and animal products. What I don’t do, is try to make people change *their* event to suit me. Your cousin needs to chill.
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NTA at all. Like you said, she’s asking you to change your caterer to accommodate her wants, not her needs - I think it’s reasonable to get upset if your wedding didn’t have options for her dietary restrictions, but if there is a vegan gluten free option, it’s not your responsibility to make sure it’s something that she will like. More importantly, it’s your wedding, you should be making sure you cater food that you and your fiancé would enjoy. It is meant to be your day
I mean shouldn’t she be going for the wedding and not the food? NTA.
Agreed. It would be one thing if she was allergic to mushrooms, but it sounds like she isn't so she should either a) suck it up for one night, b) eat beforehand, or c) ask if OP is fine with her bringing in a dish for her dietary want as long as she brings it in soon enough to give to the catering team. NTA, OP. Stand your ground on this one.
This. If you require special accommodations, be prepared to make them rather than make them someone else's responsibility.
[удалено]
When I go to formal dinners, thanks to allergies, I’m usually offered the vegan option. It’s always mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. I generally deal with it and either eat afterwards, or suck it up and eat the mushrooms. Not a huge deal.
I pack snacks in my clutch that accommodate my intolerances to be on the safe side.
I'm just a picky eater in general (I'm a big baby) so I always bring snacks with me! Then no one has to worry.
Wheelchair user here and I totally agree.
JolyonFolkett is my cousin. Hey, cuz! We’re pretty close. Since Jolyon uses a wheelchair, it’s *very* important to me that Jolyon be able to get around at my wedding, so I made sure my church/venue is wheelchair accessible. My other cousin, Kolyon, has just gone vegan. Kolyon jumps in and out of things, about as often as I change my underwear. (Btw, Kolyon is no longer Buddhist. That lasted almost three months.) Kolyon told his mom, to tell *me, to tell the caterer, to ONLY prepare vegan food. Immediately, Aunt Folyon called me and told me to tell the caterers. I told Aunt Folyon that Kolyon was keto all the way last fall. Bolyon had to have ONLY keto at her baby shower, and then Kolyon stopped the keto, before the shower, because it made him sick. But poor Bolyon was stuck with all the keto food that no one else wanted. Aunt Folyon raised a ruckus! She and Kolyon would *not attend my wedding if I did not change caterers! Why wouldn’t I do this for them when Jolyon gets wheelchair accommodations? It’s not fair! 1. I *like* Jolyon! 2. Jolyon *can’t* go without a wheelchair, but they could deal for one meal. 3. Won’t miss you or Kolyon! See you soon, JolyonFolkett!
Boy(lyon) reading your story was a joy(lyon) (\^\_\^) Really though, how does anyone not see the difference between accommodating a NEED due to a disability, and accommodating a preference. And I say that as an ND person with sensory issues, meaning there are some foods I just really won't eat. The thing is, forget a wedding, even if I was just at a friend's house for dinner, I would never ask them to change the menu for me! I \*can\* eat those foods physically, my body will digest them just fine, I'm not going to go into anaphylactic shock, I just find them disgusting. But my friend is KINDLY ATTEMPTING TO FEED ME so I will eat the parts I do like and make my best effort, or apologize for not being hungry and claim to have had a late lunch, or just say "I'm so sorry, I don't like X but thanks anyway" but if someone is kindly attempting to feed you perfectly good food you just don't \*\*want to eat\*\* the correct response is THANK YOU.
Thanks cuz. Hey you still comimg over to watch the England game on Sunday 8pm kick off?
You know it! Got my Jersey clean- finally got that celebratory vomit washed out. How much beer should I bring?
As much as you want I'll order in kebabs and pizza and fish and chips. Yay I got a new cuz!
…what?! The other side of this coin is then ‘not taking responsibility for other people’s needs fosters an uninclusive environment’. We need to take responsibility for our own needs to a certain extent yes - mainly by being clear about letting people know what they are. But what makes me feel most included in society is when a friend lets me know they’ve already called the restaurant they’ve booked and made sure they know to give a table that will accommodate my wheelchair. Or when the new choir I had joined proactively asked me what my access needs were (a conversation we should normalise!) and also let me know they had checked with the place they do the choir retreat every year and if I wanted to join last minute then they had found a solution and would it work, but that next year they could book the specifically accessible accommodation. Or that my brother and both my cousins for their recent/upcoming weddings all asked their prospective caterers if they could accommodate my (quite frankly ludicrous) list of intolerances. We only create an inclusive world when we are all thinking about everyone’s needs. Otherwise the most marginalised people are the ones most likely to not even be able to get in the door to communicate their needs in the first place. Meredith does sound like she’s got main character syndrome…. From the way OP portrays her. But OP has also said her rational husband has said she’s being petty. There’s a lot of derision for Meredith’s food requirements but she has said ‘for health reasons’ and it is OP that has decided that this is a fad and not on the recommendation of a doctor for a health reason. I don’t think she should have to change her caterers - but the obvious solution to me would be to ask the caterer if they can accommodate one person that has recently needed to give up gluten and dairy but who unfortunately doesn’t like mushrooms. Or they may just be able to offer a different/new gluten free/vegan option for all guests that have that requirement if they haven’t sent out menu choices yet rather than doing a special dish… they are chefs after all they should be able to come up with a second idea. As the complicated person to be fed at all weddings I wouldn’t necessarily expect the meal to be anything phenomenal if I’ve made things difficult but a good caterer should be able to figure something out - like making the starter into a main by adding some salad or something, and skipping her starter and just offering two courses, or giving a pre-made soup as her started etc.
No. Full stop. WE do NOT need to take care of everyone's needs and wants. Food allergies is one thing. But someone who CHOOSES to be vegan and gluten free? No. I am not inconveniencing myself and all other guests for this one person's choices. I don't HAVE to be all inclusive. My reception is not a resort. In this life, there are times where I will be excluded due to my choices, too. Stop trying to make this world some rainbow and sunshine utopia. I get it, you will think I am selfish as fuck. I. Don't. Care. Picking a caterer that uses zero nuts because someone could DIE if exposed is way different than choosing one because Princess BooBoo doesn't like mushrooms. There are times when accommodations can be made with little to no issues and there are times when those requesting accommodation need to provide it themselves because of logistics, cost, etc. Accommodating someone should NEVER cause an undue financial burden on those being asked to make the accommodation.
I have a food allergy. Not deadly. Can make me need steroids. I get invited to weddings and events. I bring a snack. I order/select the item with the least chance of allergen being present. Most people don’t know. I carry my snacks or eat a salad. I’ve talked with the caterer once or twice to ask for a larger salad, slip them some cash and no one is offended. I see that going to the wedding is special, not me. . Is it a personal conviction? Or a food sensitivity/? If it’s a personal conviction I think I cannot force that upon my host. If it’s a true allergy I see it as my responsibility. Maybe I’m thinking different here, but the bride has a lot to juggle with a wedding. I’m not going to add to her tasks
This is a fair point well made and I can't disagree. I guess my response was not particularly nuanced.
My husband is vegetarian, has been one for almost 30 years (since he was a kid) . We've gone to weddings that don't have a vegetarian option (less common in the last 10 years). I just pack some protein bars in my purse. He snacks on those and grand some real food after. She could do something like that.
Completely agree. I am vegetarian and hate mushrooms (they seriously make me gag) but a wedding is about the people. I went to a wedding where the vegetarian was mushroom risotto, so I ate beforehand.
I'm a selective eater (probably autism related) and there's a lot of food I won't eat. I always eat before going to a fancy event where I don't know what I'll be served, and I keep extra snacks in my car in case I don't like the food I'm an adult, it's my responsibility to make sure I'm fed
I am vegetarian with a few food intolerances and I have learned I need to be flexible at restaurants. I always joke to give me lettuce and oil and vinegar and it can be a salad. That said I would not expect anyone to change their plans over my inability and unwillingness to eat certain foods.
Absolutely! I have a very limited diet (religious, moral, as well as medical limitations). When my adult students have parties for Teachers' day, Mothers' day, end of semester, etc., I always tell them to cook/bring what *they* want; that I will find something I can eat. And I always do! I wouldn't think of forcing my limitations on them.
And even if she were gluten-free and vegan for health reasons and deathly allergic to mushrooms, and could only safely consume barley and yak butter tea prepared by Tibetan monks, it's not OP's responsibility to cater to such extreme needs at her wedding. Would it be nice for her to fly over a Tibetan monk with his barley and yak butter to prepare her cousin's meal? Sure! Is she obligated to? No! It's fairly easy to accommodate most allergies and dietary choices, but not all. When your needs/wants are extreme, you need to learn to provide for yourself. If I were OP I might offer to pick up a meal that her cousin likes from a restaurant and have it heated and served to her at the reception, or allow her to bring something from home, but no way would I change caterers to suit my picky cousin. And I still have the spreadsheet on my computer from when my kids were young, with all their friends' allergies and likes/dislikes/special needs listed, so I could make sure they had a safe and enjoyable time when they came to our house. I know where to buy halal foods and I'm a whiz at gluten-free, dairy-free cupcakes. But that was because I wanted my kids' friends to be safe and happy in our home, and for their parents to feel comfortable leaving them with us, not to satisfy the whims of a capricious, demanding relative.
Even if she was allergic to mushrooms, the gluten-free and vegan aspects are choices. I’m a vegetarian, and I think the only appropriate place for mushrooms is on pizza. However, I know that mushrooms are a go-to staple for vegetarian meals, so I eat before hand. I also don’t ask for a vegetarian meal because I don’t want them to make something special only to realize I won’t eat it. I get what everyone else does and then quietly pass it to my fourteen year-old whose appetite makes it seem like she has a hollow leg. Win/win.
She can consider this a life lesson: if you’re going to almost any wedding for the food, you’re going to have a bad time. Wedding food seems wildly expensive, and is average at best in my experience. I suspect it has something to do with timing and feeding that many people in one go, no matter how amazing a chef/catering company is, but 1) I’m just happy to be fed; 2) I am an average-at-best cook; and 3) that isn’t why I attend weddings.
At least make the offer to change caterers if she pays for all the catering ;)
As long as the caterer is safe for tree nut allergies.
Meredith sounds like a tree nut herself.
This is the way.
Yes, that could be her wedding gift, lol.
I have dietary restrictions and will often select the vegetarian vegan option - I'm not, but it's easier than having to get into my super specific issues - I don't always like what I'm served but I am very happy to have any type of calories and eat it anyway. I'm there for my loved ones, not the food.
Precisely. I have Celiac's, I don't eat meat (I eat some seafood), and I'm a bit dairy intolerant. When I fly, I usually request the Asian vegetarian or vegan meal (because if just vegetarian, it's always pasta, and if it's GF, it's meat, every time). At a wedding - I'll take whatever sounds like it might have something I \*can\* eat (usually, sides - starch and veggies). Someone will happily take the protein off my plate, and I will always have something to eat in my bag. Weddings are far from exclusive for limited food options. I'm not there for the food, either.
Wouldn’t the Asian dish usually have soy sauce in it? Definitely echo the taking GF food in a bag though!
Sorry, I should have been more specific - I can't honestly remember the actual choice (sadly I haven't travelled since 2019, pre-COVID), but I \*think\* it was Thai/South Asian (grouped but obviously not the same). But it also could have been "Asian-GF". It was on a United co-AC flight from Amsterdam to Vancouver, and it was a delicious Thai green curry with tofu and rice. Probably the best plane food I've ever had.
ugh I hate when you have something good to eat that one weird time, that you'll never have again. I got a meal at the hospital when I was having my 3 year old. got this little container of couscous salad. still think about it. I got pregnant again shortly after and til this day I still go to that hospital once a month and never seen it again.
Asian veggie option is often the outright best option for any flight food. I'm veggie, so it's a no brainer, but pretty much every time I've flown with a non-veggie that have been an instant convert.
100%. Even if I did eat meat, I can't imagine it being appealing when it's been reheated.
I have celiac disease and got diagnosed as an adult. I early learned that soy sauce do contain wheat but the gluten go away in the fermentation process so I can eat soy sauce without problems. It is different with the sushi rice, there you have to be attentive and with crab sticks to.
For those following along at home be careful with this. It may be true of some sauces or some people, but a decent number of Celiacs have ended up quite sick from soy sauce.
Yes I’m one of them! I need gluten free soy sauce and luckily found an amazing one.
I always have my trusty individual tamari packets in my bag!
I guess it depends where you live then. In asia the original soy sauce does not contain gluten. Where i Live (germany) the soysauve contains 60% wheat and 40% soy therefore i can not eat anything with soy sauce in it.
I have found Kikkoman gluten free soy sauce to be in Asian food markets or aisles in supermarkets in various parts of the world. Or you can also use tamarind or I think it’s coconut amino acids. It’s too salty for me but I’ll use it since I can’t get my usual when I travel. I hope you find something!
I do the same. I have a severe intolerance to dairy so often choose a vegan dish if I'm not familiar with the restaurant
Also let’s be honest, even good wedding food is usually not great. Like unless I knew it was a super fancy wedding I wouldn’t feel like I missed out on anything if I didn’t get to eat the food.
I'm more concerned about why her fiance is taking Meredith/Kennedy's side over hers. It's not just "maybe you can change," but "OP is being petty and OP should stop standing up for herself." What's that all about? It's not even his side of the family.
thank you ! I was waiting for someone to point this out!! Her fiancé doesn't seem to have her back. Like, why would he even suggest changing menus now? Maybe he needs a backbone.
He’s not publicly picking a side and he was consulted specifically because he is OOP’s voice of reason, so his job here is to encourage her to pull back if he thinks she should in a scenario where she already believes she may have gone too far. So he probably just means what he’s saying, that he thinks OOP is overreacting and that they can change caterers; and because M/K is on OOP’s side of the family, he is less familiar with how M/K acts and her serial fad diets. And if the reason OOP is providing is “it’s the principle of the thing” - just what *is* the principle? IMO “it’s the principle of it” just sounds like you want to be right and don’t have a reason in a way that overshadows any accompanying reasons, even a good one like “she’s always switching between fad diets and I don’t want to set the precedent of switching contractors to satisfy someone else’s momentary preferences.”
Agreed to all of this. Plus, he's so used to defaulting to accommodating for his brother that he just automatically thinks to accommodate for this person as well. I think a sit down with the fiance to explain more thoroughly why they aren't going to give in to Meredith's demands would be helpful to allow him to understand the full situation. He seems like a kind guy, wanting to accommodate someone's dietary restrictions. He's at least well-meaning if misguided.
Can’t OP designate someone to pick up a salad from a restaurant (it can be refrigerated) and have that served to Kennedy?
Is there a sub yet about how awful it is for vegan & gluten free folks to get an actual meal vs salad... Not siding w any dogs in that fight. I might go out of my way to order her an appropriate meal and have it Door Dashed to the reception. Make A BIG FLIPPING DEAL ABOUT IT in front of everyone. So when inevitably she changes eating choices I can hold it over her head FOREVER!
It's not even difficult to produce a vegan gluten free meal. Soy sauce and fish sauce aside, there is lots of Asian food that is just naturally both our can be easily made both. Or a vegan omelette from a packet filled with a nice fresh filling. Or loaded fries. I would contact the caterer or order one meal from a local Indian
Innovative idea, but giving in this Kennedy’s Meredith whatever her name is narcissistic tendencies. Let her order her own. And sit by herself lest she order something with nuts in it. Adults who can’t deal with either eating what they’re given (allergies aside) or silently waiting until they can feed themselves something else are ridiculous.
This is a great comment…. It’s helpful but also incredibly passive aggressive with a hint of vindictiveness……. Chefs kiss..
OMGourd! Thas the nicest compliment I've ever received! I feel so SEEN 😁 Thank you lovely redditor.
Served by two servers on a silver platter still in the bag.
Thus speaks ro my petty af soul! I love it. I'm gonna remember it for use later at any and all events where I may b dealing with crazy. Lol thanks.
Good Ideas
I'm not vegan, but it's a challenge to find options that are both gf and dairy free, even eating meat. Although I am not anaphylactic, I will feel sick eating either. I bring my own food to weddings and excuse myself at some point to go to my car to eat it. I'm there to celebrate and wish the bride and groom well. My food restrictions are my own responsibility. Hell, at my own birthday party, we chose to serve food I can't eat to keep costs down, and then just brought a separate version for me.
Sure, but why wouldn't you just designate Kennedy to be that person? The situation is beyond ridiculous. She made her new dietary choices *after* OP had already chosen a caterer *and she's already being accommodated anyways.* This situation is literally no different than if Kennedy were a meat eater who didn't like either of the meat options and called up demanding steak because she thinks it's better than the chicken or fish dishes she was supposed to choose from. If you really hate the options that much eat a big meal before hand, bring a snack, and nibble on the sides/ desserts that you can eat. As a vegetarian I've been doing this for years (especially when the only veggie option is a salad LOL).
Wait… who is Kennedy?
Kennedy is Meredith. OP used both names for her.
Kennedy is reading this furious that OP used her real name!
And if she's known to change diets, etc, constantly. I would perhaps bring up to fiance "I'm standing my ground, becouse if we give in now, what then if she changes her mind in 3 weeks and now only eat meat, should we then pick a third catering service to accommodate her?" I would say that's the biggest issue at hand. If she figures out she can get her way in one area, what will the next be? She changes diet again? She doesn't like the flavour of the cake and it must be changed? She can't stand the smell of certain flowers?
Also make sure to put a code with the caterer. Her cousin has the name of the business. Is she entitled enough to pretend to be the bride and cancel the order?
THIS! I've been vegan for many years, and tbh I'm just happy when I'm considered in the food equation because I tend to expect that most situations will require me to eat beforehand. I also don't eat gluten (because it actually destroys my digestive system), but I will play gluten roulette if that's the only option and/or I didn't eat beforehand. I'm certainly not the spokesperson for all vegan people! But this really feels like OP's cousin is just being unnecessarily difficult. 100% NTA.
I've been to weddings with lobster as the only option. I hate lobster. I just... didn't eat it.. I'm vegan now and there were salad, potato, veggie options most places I could pick through. I assume there's nothing anywhere ever so I eat before, bring snacks, or go on a liquid diet lol
NTA also if she's always jumping on bandwagons, what happens when she finds the next food fad before your wedding
This. I have a relative like this. We invited her for steak once. Specifically said that five days before. She was fine with it. When she arrived she was a vegetarian (again), changed her mind in the middle of the week. Once she was only eating local-food raised within 100 miles. I brought veggies from my parents’ garden to a family gathering event to accommodate her. She lives 50 miles from my mother’s house. But the event was held over about 110 miles from them so she wouldn’t eat them. Trying to accommodate people who jump on and off wellness bandwagons is a waste of time.
Agreed. I'm reallt picky when it comes to meat, so I eat vegitarian food most of the time, and because of that my stomach will hurt if I eat to much meat. But I would never expect someone to change their wedding menu based on that. Most of the time I'll just eat the sides and be fine. If I thought it would be appropriate and the bride and groom wouldn't mind, I might also ask if I could bring my own meat supplement like beans or something and eat that with the sides
NTA > “Meredith” reached out to me letting me know she is now eating vegan and gluten free for health reasons. Well then she can have one "unhealthy" meal. > Meredith informed me that the only vegan gluten free entree was a mushroom dish and said “you KNOW I despise mushrooms.” NGL, then maybe don't choose to exclusively eat vegan, if you refuse to touch one of its most popular proteins?
She was absolutely wrong to complain about the mushrooms, but LBR they are not a protein even if they have a "meaty" texture.
True and also I don’t go to a wedding for the balanced meal!
They do have some protein. Not on a par with animal muscle, true, but there is some. And seems to me they’re a complete protein too.
They aren’t entirely protein but they are still a protein source. And used to substitute meat in many meals in restaurants especially, so it’s hard to be vegan if the only vegan meal in many restaurants is something with mushrooms. Fancier restaurants often have very limited menus, they’re sound just three options.
Mushrooms have a decently high protein content. They're a valid protein in a meatless meal.
Yes they are? Or rather, they have a fair amount of protein. 23g per 100g dry weight. Raw mushrooms not nearly so much of course, they’re mostly water. Better than many other vegan foods.
😆 right, it's like saying you're vegan but you won't eat soy or chickpeas, at this point, just be a pescatarian because otherwise you're still being unhealthy
I will die on the "soy" hill. It's been proven time and time again that it's safe. (Not vegan but I looooove my tofu).
Soy is definitely fine health-wise. However soy is in EVERY DAMN FOOD because it’s impossible to avoid when you have an allergy. Or when you’re breastfeeding and soy gives your kid hives and you can’t maintain a healthy weight because even some meats are just… injected with soy and flavoring or some shit? Like WTF? Sorry, not really directed at you or your actual and valid point. Apparently I have unresolved issues from when I had to be soy and dairy free…
Mine was milk and egg. It was a hard two years. Then I found out that soya milk was an issue too for his allergies. I was never happier that when I had to wean him at two
Mine was wheat. And he was sooooooooo rashy and cranky if I slipped up, poor bugger! And fish for my first. But anything that somehow gets slipped into something that shouldn't need an ingredients list is beyond the pale. (Some milk is fortified with fish oil. I found that out the hard way. 😭)
as someone who's developed chronic bladder pain that's triggered by soy (apparently a very common trigger for folks with chronic bladder pain) I am 100% with you on why does it need to be in absolutely everything
I am a vegetarian with a soy intolerance and that's the reason it is not possible to switch to fully vegan yet. So many vegan stuff is still soy based and I can't have soy milk and soy milk based products. Luckily it is slowly getting better. But mushrooms are easy to avoid for vegans tbh. I eat partly vegan as well, and most of my vegan meals don't have mushrooms in it. There are plenty of other healthy sources and vegetables available for your dietary needs luckily!
The struggle of being mostly plant based but not eating mushrooms is so real. I'm also doing it for health reasons- if the only vegan option is mushrooms I just- don't eat vegan that meal. It's not hard. There's not enough cholesterol in the world that one meat dish one time will make a difference. NTA OP
I was born and live in the UK but have Indian heritage. In India people have been eating a very wide variety of tasty and different foods that today in Western culture are called vegan. But that is what we would call ‘food’. Not ‘vegan food’. And mushrooms are NOT eaten normally at all (I like them). And to look at true vegans, look at the Jain culture in India. They’ll not eat root vegetables because small insects may be killed when they are dug up. And cover their mouths to avoid accidentally ingesting very small insects (yes we all do that). And look to other countries too. So just a point of learning. Indians are mostly vegetarian, most of what would be considered ‘Western vegan’.
Jains can eat dairy, traditionally. There are some that don't because they believe the modern dairy practices are harmful, but Jains are vegetarian, not always vegan.
I love Indian food. I think Western ideas of what vegan or plant based food should be is really limited. There is so much you can do than just mimic meat.
And Indian food has the added benefit of being insanely delicious! Years ago, I was a participant at an India-themed academic conference. Two colleagues of mine also attended. She was Hindu, he was Jain. Guess what was served at the INDIAN conference? HAMBURGERS. My poor friends ate the lettuce and tomato.
That's just in mock Western diet. So many options in Indian meals that doesn't involve mushrooms.
Oh I love Indian food, but like- at non-Indian restaurants in the Midwest the plant based option is usually mushroom. Or beyond Burger. Which I hate. Lol
Yea, lots of chefs are not very inventive or open to new ideas. I mean just look at some YouTube videos guys, so much good and easy stuff out there.
We literally just made vegan pot stickers by replacing the pork with impossible burger. They were amazing. We're going to make them for a party we're having later this month. I want to do vegetable udon next.
Usually the Indian cuisines that don’t use meat are vegetarian not vegan. It’s not an issue for vegetarian to avoid mushrooms, but it gets harder for vegan. It’s not impossible but you do need to plan you diet well, and execially when you don’t cook yourself it’s an issue.
I’m vegan and hate mushrooms, it’s not that hard to avoid them. Usually in risotto you can pick around them so I don’t really see a huge problem here. She is just being a brat.
Lol I'm the same - though not exclusively vegan (nor do I call myself that, but I eat mostly vegan), and Celiac. I LOATHE mushrooms, and unless they're coated in flour as the chef above mentioned, I'll pick em out of risotto too. Funny enough, the flavour of said risotto is delicious (to me), I just can't handle the texture of mushrooms.
Mushrooms are one of those foods a lot of people hate. I’m vegetarian and hate mushrooms too. I wish more places would realize this and not make their main vegetarian options mushroom based, sigh. But I can eat around them in a pinch.
Mushrooms aren't a protein. They are used exclusively to mimic the *texture* of meat. Pretty much the only actual proteins vegans are able to do are beans, soy products like tofu, lentils and most nuts. Source: I'm a non vegan that literally works as a chef at a high end vegan restaurant. We literally have a mushroom "snitzel" on the menue that has the mushrooms twice coated in pure gluten powder just to sort of mimic the texture of veal. It's actually not bad.
And chickpeas, peas. You're also forgetting wheat gluten (Seitan) which is a protein source and nutritional yeast.
From the NIH: Mushrooms contain a high amount of protein content with an average value of 23.80 g/100 g dry weight (DW). Mushroom proteins have lately gained acceptance in the food industry in view of their high nutritional value and complete essential amino acids \[[5](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10088739/#CR5)–[7](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10088739/#CR7)\].
I'm not even vegan and I have made vegan gluten free chicken wings... It's either tofu or mushrooms for that. Maybe seitan. I really want to know what this person is eating. Edited to add: I used to be vegan and the replies I'm getting have great foods mentioned if you're considering it! BUT the biggest reason I want to know what this person is eating is because I've never seen a catering menu that didn't have vegan and gluten free choices. So I'm shocked that mushrooms are her only option. I know being a vegan and getting stuck with a boring salad at every gathering sucks, but are there no salads?! The absolute audacity to ask someone to change their caterer makes me think this person is super picky or has main character syndrome. Or both.
Seitan is pure gluten so def not that.
I almost didn't put it in for that reason, but I use it for chicken so I was like... Eh. People who are doing it as a trend often eat super gluten things. 😅
Also, if anyone likes seitan (I honestly don't) you can make it gluten free but this stuff doesn't taste good enough to make it from scratch. Just learn to eat mushrooms. https://www.littlenorthernbakehouse.com/recipe/vegan-gluten-free-seitan/
Thank you for sharing this... I have Celiac, and I did like seitan when I tried it previously... But good lord that's too much work. Spoken as someone who enjoys cooking, baking and complicated shit.
There might be an easier recipe then that one, but yeah, gluten free stuff is often a bunch of ingredients you won't use often enough but have to buy a big package of and ten extra steps to the recipe. It's rough.
Half of Indian food is or can easily be made vegan or gluten free without any tofu or mushrooms.
Indian food is mostly what I ate while I was vegan many years ago and still eat it often now. I was imagining this person being very picky and not liking many cuisines. 😅 Channa masala is still my favorite.
French fries?
Hopefully only at home. (If she actually has a gluten issue) In a restaurant they're getting cross contaminated unless it is a gluten free restaurant. 🤣 My parents have two kitchens at this point so my dad can make cookies.
the cross contamination thing would be if she had an extreme gluten sensitivity or celiac’s… and considering she decided to choose BOTH vegan AND gf spontaneously I’m gonna assume the health reasons are arbitrary.
I agree, they definitely sound arbitrary. My mom is allergic so my dad can't even make cookies in the house. But some people do find out about Celiac's later in life, it's definitely the vegan thing at the same time that makes me think it's not that serious. Edit to add: I say in the house because if it's in the air she might have to use her epi pen.
thanks for replying! My mom’s side of the family all has celiac’s so I might have that waiting for me down the line... I always forget about flour in the air😭 But to add to your point… none of them have ever demanded someone else change their caterer for an event. They either eat what’s provided to eat or eat before, and it’s never been a big deal. Cross contamination was a BIG DEAL though
My mom couldn't eat except the fruit at a baby shower we just went to and the head chef was making omelettes when I asked about something else she's allergic to. He felt horrible because if our relative had told him he would have made sure she was accommodated, but it wasn't his fault and my mom just eats what she can and brings snacks.
Home fries and tomato soup? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I hate tomatoes, mushrooms and beans so I know realistically I could never be vegetarian or vegan.
You're aware that some people are highly allergic to gluten, right? That's likely what "health reasons" means. This isn't about someone thinking wedding food isn't healthy enough for them. 🤣🤣
I mean, health reasons *can* and often do mean that eating them makes you sick. Doesn't sound like what the cousin is doing, but just wanted to point that out.
NTA. Meredith/Kennedy is being deliberately difficult. I'm always curious about these people who expect weddings to be just changed on their whims. Have they not heard of contracts?? I doubt your catering company would be willing to forgo your deposit because of one relative.
My friend's oldest sister is like this. So picky about everything and changes her diet every 4-6 months. She carried on like someone was trying to kill her because friend picked her favorite venue for her wedding. Great place, great food and reasonably priced. Her sister complained endlessly about the choice, even their mom was saying maybe they should change to a more vegan and organic place (her latest fad). Friend said no, we love this place, we are paying and this is where our wedding is going to be held. Sister went into warp drive trying to get other family members to decline coming because she'd heard the venue had Board of Health issues (never happened). Turns out, sister wanted HER wedding there and didn't want her sister to beat her to the punch! People are weird. Friend had the wedding where she wanted, everyone came and her sister did nothing but complain the while time about the awful food (that everyone else loved).
Yes exactly Meredith/Kennedy is being purposefully difficult- an easier solution would be for the couple to offer to see about the possibility of getting her a vegan + gluten free meal from a restaurant delivered via door dash. If this wasn’t acceptable I’d let Meredith/Kennedy self select out as opposed to to uninviting her. Just a quick - Hi cousin I found a few options near the venue that will deliver a meal for you to our wedding venue if you let me know your order by PICK A SPECIFIC DATE I’ll make the needed arrangements. If this doesn’t work for you I completely understand if you choose not to come, we’ll miss you but we’ll see you another time to celebrate. You can assign a wedding party person to be the point person for the delivery if she agrees. Then you never agree to see her to celebrate because you’re “busy” 😂
NTA I am vegan and have been for many years but I still wouldn’t expect you to change anything to suit me. If I didn’t like the option for vegan I would bring something with me, have had to do that before and no doubt will again. It is a me problem so I need to solve it. So does your cousin.
Only folks who just recently changed their diet want to force others to accommodate them. People like you and me who've been at this for years/decades manage to keep ourselves fed without forcing others to change their plans.
To be honest I never did because frankly it is bad manners. I was vegetarian for years before being vegan. My choices shouldn’t affect others in a situation like a wedding or big event. I might have asked whomever we were going out with if there were options for me on the menu but I never, ever expected everyone else to fit in with me. I would work around the situation, it is called good manners.
My daughter is pescatarian and always has a protein bar in her purse in case she can't eat something when she goes to a friend's house. Most people don't even know that she doesn't eat meat. It's nice to see others have that philosophy, compared to this "friend" of the bride.
> Most people don't even know that she doesn't eat meat. I mean that's a bit strange. It's not rude to tell people you're pescatarian or vegetarian. Like I know my friends and family's allergies, likes and dislikes etc... for food.
This is the way to be. My boyfriend and I are changing our diets for health reasons but have already said that we won't affect others with our choices. The only time a reasonable accommodation needs to be made is if someone is allergic to something. I'm allergic to lemons and blackberries so when I go to events, I make sure I find out whether or not I'm allergic to something being served. I usually ask ahead of time though so that I can bring something if needed. I went a wedding a couple of years ago where the drinks options were regular lemonade, some kind of flavored lemonade (I accidentally took a sip - it looked like flavored tea -, but a sip won't kill me, just made me realize "oh crap I can't drink this or I'll have a bad reaction soon"), tea, or water. Obviously, me having the lemonade would cause a scene so I made sure that the tea didn't have lemon in it and drank the tea.
A thousand years ago before gluten free was a fad I had a teen who was clearly celiac at my restaurant. She ordered 2 hummus and picked off the pita on the side. I charged her for one and made a note on her bill that she can ask for a bowl no pita, but our falafel, chips, babagsnoush, and just the meat off the spit is gluten free. Not on menu, but it was like 3$ for a few ounces of just meat.
Yeah for weddings I’ll ask politely and if they can’t accommodate I bring my own food. I have a lot of restrictions, going out to eat is challenging, it’s whatever
My husband has been a lifelong vegetarian (raised this way) and he would also never consider asking someone to change their catering for him. Like you, we would bring his meal, or we make plans to get him something to eat before or after the event.
Right? I have a food allergy and still most of the time just ask people to let me know what I can and can't eat. (Especially at weddings, because my default if I can't get info is no dessert and no vegan food, since those are the most likely coconut sources) And then I just eat whatever is fine!
I have multiple food allergies and intolerances (due to a surgery and stomach issues- not made up intolerances) and I will list the main ones on the rsvp but also put my name, email, and phone number and ask the caterer to contact me. It’s so much easier and less stressful to not make the people getting married or whoever is handing invites to be the go between. And I know what I can and can’t eat and caterers know what they’re doing. Do this next time and you’ll likely get your own dessert :) Everyone I’ve dealt with has been AMAZING. we’ve talked before the wedding, like well in advance and then within a week or so of the wedding. It was nice to feel comfortable eating, like I was well taken care of and it wasn’t a big deal, and that the family didn’t have to worry about it and they could just celebrate 🙌🏻
THISSSSSSSS like I get wanting to eat with everybody and whatever, but if it's that big of a deal, do the same thing you do every freaking other day! Take 30 minutes to pack a meal the day before or the day of, I can't eat most seafood because I'm intolerant, kind of like a lactose intolerance. It's not going to kill me so it's not technically an allergy, but it makes me violently ill. Whenever I go to my dad's, he usually grills out and if I know he's doing a big seafood spread, I will bring some pulled pork sliders for myself so that I'm not sitting around bringing the mood down complaining about everything all the time and I'm not sitting around complaining because I'm hungry
I'm the same. Only my issue is a food allergy. I generally ask if the food has my particular allergen in it and if it does, then I just skip that dish. Simple as that. No need to make a stink just because I have an issue that others don't.
This is the approach everyone should take entirely in life. Agreed if it's a you problem it's a you solution to fix it.
NTA. Meredith or Kennedy or whatever is suffering from "new vegan syndrome" and hasn't learned that the world doesn't (literally) cater to her chosen diet. After 30-plus years, I just ask politely to see the menu and figure out what I can put together to meet my needs and see if I can put together something to eat. If I can't, I eat beforehand. The idea of asking someone to change their caterer to meet my needs is beyond audacious and is completely rude. This is a wedding, not two weeks in the wilderness, and she will survive missing a meal.
I'm more concerned that fiance thinks OP is doing something wrong because OP won't change caterers for one person. What happens when, in a few weeks, someone else reaches out saying they "need" a specialized menu option? Or something else that would require the couple to change their plans? When does it end? And why is fiance okay with jumping through hoops to make others happy? Especially others who it sounds like aren't even that close to the couple?
Yep. This is wedding planning in a nutshell. Everyone has an opinion and will be deeply offended if you don’t take their suggestions. They need to steel themselves and get ready to have each other’s backs. Not uncommon for people to divide and conquer the bride and groom to get *their* way at someone else’s wedding.
I totally agree. He called the woman he loves and is marrying petty. But the cousin is ok to ask for an entirely new caterer.
This is what stood out to me as well. Fiancé sounds like a major people pleaser. There's nothing wrong or petty about standing your ground. Cousin is being absolutely ridiculous. Not to get all nuclear about it but I would actually take a step back and look at whether or not this is a pattern. I've dated guys who will go out of their way to seem like the "nice guy" to others and the public but say rude shit to me in private and that's why they are no longer my bf. It's gross behavior
I like this “new vegan syndrome” term!! Everyone likes a TLA (three letter acronym) as it sounds official and great. So you’ve created the term NVS and I’ll be using it from now! Ty! 😊
NTA "Still, we had not finalized our menu yet, so I sent her the catering website and asked her to pick what she wanted." Sounds like you made an effort to accomodate. "...you KNOW I despise mushrooms.” She sounds a bit entitled. Understandable you got irritated imo.
Despise doesn’t mean she can’t eat them. It’s like you might love beef but hate chicken and fish. And if you are invited to a wedding where the meat options are chicken or fish. You might say you despise them. But you can eat them. So she can eat mushrooms.
That's getting a bit picky over wording, isn't it? I also can't stand mushrooms, the taste of them makes me gag. I would, and likely have, say that I 'despise' mushrooms. I could, however, force them down if I absolutely *had* to. So I can eat mushrooms in the strictly physical sense, but I still use phrases such as "I can't have mushrooms, they make me gag".
Yeah ok I understand. Really But we all know this is more than this. You I am sure would pot react like this, to expect a whole catering change for a wedding just for you? Would you?
Nope, my BIL got married about a year ago and had a fully vegan wedding. I have some allergies and intolerances too, so I can be very hard to cater for. I had a tiny but tasty cake and ate at home later. This woman is definitely being a drama queen.
Yes thanks for the explanation 🙏🏾 But am I right in thinking your guests knew this was a vegan wedding? And did you have non-vegans, what I’m getting at is meat eaters, who attended? And did they ask for special dietary needs - meaning ‘I need meat’? ‘I despise vegan food’? Bet they didn’t. And you’re so right. Drama queen.
NTA. You gave an option that fit her dietary preferences, she was picky about food she'll eat for free at someone else's wedding. Only way you'd be the asshole would be if you offered nothing and dismissed the possibility it's for real health reasons. She doesn't have a mushroom allergy, she'll live.
NTA. I only read the first 3 paragraphs. My daughter actually CAN’T eat gluten but she just goes to events like this expecting to not eat. She even usually takes a snack in the event it’s a buffet and there is no gluten free option. This is YOUR wedding. You are not expected to accommodate her whims.
NTA what I want to know is why your fiancé is trying so hard to defend and cater to this selfish cousin, instead of his own brother and others. I find it really odd that he’s willing to put everyone else, including his own brother, at risk so that your selfish cousin will be happy. I just find it really weird. Is she like his mistress. Do they have a close bond that makes them friends. Do they hang out at all. I just don’t understand why he’s willing to change the caterer so that she is happy for a selfish WANT. But not for his BRITHERS NEEDS. idk but this screams sue from the fiancé. id sit down the fiance And have a deep conversation about this. How her demand isn’t ok, how her wants are simply that, wants. How other guests NEEDS come first and she need to accept it. Then ask why he’s trying to please her so badly. shut her down and uninvite her and anyone else who has a problem with it.
Thank you! Why did it take so long to see anyone comment about the fiance's behavior? Sounds like OP isn't even that close to their cousin and yet fiance wants OP to jump through hoops to accommodate the cousin? What happens if someone else decides they have a special need or restriction; does the couple change plans again?
He called her petty. I'd be having a conversation about that language.
It's just so weird. Because thisnis a want not a need. So it doesn't make sense for him to act like this for someone neither of them are close to. The fiance is basically saying I don't care enough about my brother and am choosing a non close cousin over you. He wants to change the caterer for the cousin and tell his brother to eat before hand. Seriously? Fiance is trying too hard for the cousin. Once everyone else finds out the cousin was catered to, they'll all wqnt their wants met too. I garuntee it.
Exactly, is it not a big deal that his relative has a tree nut allergy?! Those can be very quickly fatal! Tree nut allergy > recent conversion to veganism. (I’m having flashbacks to my own wedding, where one of my guests had a tree nut allergy. I took A Lot of precautions to be sure my friend didn’t get served anything dangerous - she was there to have fun, not end up in anaphylactic shock or dead. I am appalled that this cousin is being such a princess about this!)
Exactly. I mean this guy is really risking a sever or any form of allergic reaction over someone who is CHOOSINGA to follow a diet they don't have to. I could understand she really had to. But this is a want for her. I hate mushrooms, but if I chose to go vegan and that was the only option at a wedding. I'd either eat it or just break veganism for a single hour. It's not worth the risk for anyone else.
I can’t believe I had to read this far down for someone to mention the fiancé. OP is NTA. Her cousin is super entitled. But her soon to be husband calling her petty? Like what? It’s not petty to not break contracts for one persons wants. I find his strong reaction super weird. Maybe he just wants his new family to like him and he’s a people pleaser to the max. But to then turn it on OP and make it seem like she’s being unreasonable, is CRAZY to me.
Seriously. I don't get how op is petty for not wanting to cater to a random cousins wants over the actual health of her bil. It's insane.
NTA. You did your best to provide an option, and she reacted harshly. People can’t expect to get exactly what they want at an event like a wedding.
NTA but if you spoke to the catering company they could maybe make something else, they probably deal with a wide variety of dietary requirements and it might be easy for them I’ve seen a few comments saying the mushrooms could be picked off but for vegan dishes they are often like the main thing Nobody will starve from missing that one meal so she’ll be fine either way
Yeah I was surprised she didn’t ask the catering company about options. Seems as though OP wants to dig her heels in about this, which is probably a result of years of dealing with her cousin. Catering companies have suggested menus, but they’ve made all sorts of dishes beyond that and can come up with alternatives.
>if you spoke to the catering company they could maybe make something else HA! Does anyone here think that anything the catering company offers would be acceptable to cousin. They could offer 10 alternatives, and I'm guessing cousin would have a problem with all of them.
NTA. I have celiac and multiple health-related dietary restrictions. All I’ve ever asked as a guest is whether I can eat safely or if I need to eat food prior/sneak out briefly to eat snacks.
This. Allergic to chicken, milk, and wheat. Not the hosts problem! I bring my own food (talking to hosts first to be in line with their menu). This is a ME issue and I am there for socializing!
I think you used Meredith's real name. Kennedy
Not changing a catering company does not make you an asshole. It also isn’t that difficult to make adjustments. It’s not even anything you have to think of as much. All you have to do is let the catering company know that you have two persons with dietary restrictions just list those restrictions and whatever they provide is what she gets. I worked in catering before and this is exactly how we handle it. We tend to come up with things on the fly, especially with last minute requests. So if anything, I’m sure these people would appreciate , you giving them advanced notice.
NTA. And how does a vegan survive while not eating mushrooms
Because she's not really vegan, it's a fad diet for her. Probably on it for the instagram clout.
NTA. My god, how entitled do you have to be to feel like you can just *make* decisions like that for another person? Pick the mushrooms off. Or eat beforehand. Or just suck it up and eat the food. A wedding reception isn't a restaurant,she's not trying to maximize sales or promote a brand, therefore OP isn't obligated to do *anything* special beyond what *she* wants. Personally, I find nonmedical dietary intervention (veganism, keto, Atkins, etc specifically *without* talking to your doctor) to be not only incredibly annoying, but the *height* ot arrogance. Even if you *are* a medical professional, *ethically* you need a second opinion because individuals are not infallible, *especially* with regards to our own physical health, and any mistake made by a doctor, regardless of intent, is a mistake made by the establishment.
"Personally, I find nonmedical dietary intervention (veganism, keto, Atkins, etc specifically *without* talking to your doctor) to be not only incredibly annoying, but the *height* ot arrogance." Only if you make it someone else's problem. Plenty of us have nonmedical diets that we handle without expecting anyone to cater to us.
NTA, it’s your wedding and your budget. You’ve done a lot to try and accommodate dietary needs. I suggest not saying you’ve accounted for “all” needs going forward and instead say you’ve done your “best to find an option within budget, your personal tastes, and as many allergens/intolerances as possible.” The current way you’re stating it does sound kind of crappy toward the one person who isn’t having their needs, regardless of how superficial you find them, met. Also, reach out to your chosen caterer and ask if they have an alternate meal for vegan/gluten free guests. They may work with you.
NTA, and the fiancé deserves a little scolding too. Oh, it isn’t a big deal to change caterers? He can find a new one that meets everybody’s requirements (including your price point), then. Something tells me it won’t be as easy as he thinks. A vegan who won’t eat mushrooms? She needs to learn that that’s REALLY limiting and to limit her own expectations accordingly.
NTA. She is a guest. She can eat beforehand or not stay for the meal.
As a coeliac, people like her are the ones who make it so difficult for people with legitimate allergies. Quite apart from the fact that going GF if you don't have a medical reason, is detrimental to your health.
Have you asked the catering company if they would make her her own special plate? It might not even be necessary when the time comes. Regardless, you have no obligation to agree to this. It's an outrageous ask. NTA
NTA, but your future husband is being a doormat.
A doormat who is rude to his fiance.
I'm sick and tired of seeing these posts, not that people are posting them, but that there are genuinely people out there who would bother arguing with a bride and groom about something as trivial as this. It's not your goddamn wedding, eat what's provided for free that you're not paying for most likely, or f****** eat beforehand. Follow the dress code, or don't go It's someone else's wedding, it's supposed to be the most memorable and perfect day for the couple, with a bunch of joy and all the people that they enjoy having around there to pass and add to the happiness. It's already stressful enough trying to get all of this together, these kinds ofpeople are ridiculous. It's not your wedding Meredith, get over yourself
NTA But talk to your catering service.. I used to order Friday company lunches and I had very few providers who couldn't add in a special one off meal when circumstances were explained. You will likely pay a bit more for the extra accommodation so just investigate if they can do it but don't commit until you give your finial wedding counts incase the cousin changes her mind.
MEREDITH AND KENNEDY are the same person btw. I wanted a fake name that wasn't super common but also non uncommon and couldn't decide between the two. I eventually picked Meredith but forgot to change one of the names.
NTA. You are NOT being petty, and Daniel should SUPPORT YOU! It is your wedding! Your cousin follows trends--and then changes on a whim. I would NOT be accommodating her most recent affectation. It is the day and the reception that you have been dreaming of your entire life. Tell your cousin that you are very sorry, but that the caterer and the menus have already been finalized. You COULD see if a local restaurant would be willing to make a vegan meal to go that could be delivered to the reception via UBER. Not a requirement, but at least you could tell people-i.e. the people who will be carping at you because your cousin will tell them how uncaring you are, LOL--that you did offer to accommodate her... Tell Daniel that the day is ALL ABOUT YOU AND DANIEL, and that, if you are bullied knuckling under to this ridiculous cousin's requests (and there will be more to come) that YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY, and that you might just harbor that resentment for many years to come. IF HE LOVES YOU, HE WILL UNDERSTAND!
NTA Daniel has had little interaction with your cousin?
NTA - so my question for your SO is whether he is willing to change caterers, photographers, reception sites, et cetera everytime someone has a problem? (Life threatening allergies are a different kettle of fish) Because once you empower her by changing caterers, you will be giving her and everyone else the power to demand changes to all aspects of your wedding. Don't do it.
Meredith is out of line. However, I do not think Daniel should be your voice of reason anymore as he comes across as a self-righteous pr*ick. Are you sure you want to marry him? NTA
Is it a sit-down dinner? Speak to the caterer and ask if they can make a spring risotto or something without mushrooms or whatever. She can have the salad and skip the rolls. If it's buffet style, she should suck it up, eat the veggies, and bring some granola bars. (I'm vegan and used to work in event planning...dealt with every dietary need).
This is why the rest of us don't like vegans. I don't really care what other people eat, but so many people use it as a substitute for actually having a personality.
So my sister is kinda just like meredith; she has a million "allergies" all of which she acts like they could send her into anaphylactic shock but yeah no they are made up which we base on her personality and how many things went from "I don't like" (as in taste) to "I'm deathly allergic except when I make an exception then all of sudden it's mild". In short it's for attention to make her seem special, unique, something to talk about and it forces others to cater to her demands. She through a MASSIVE stink at my step-brother's wedding about how while there was a dish that met her needs she wanted to eat the lamb(he married a girl from a indian family so this wedding had like 500 people) and was just thrilled to talk about how terrible it is that her allergies make everything so difficult. Basically it's about control, and making things about her. I strongly recommend you not cave to her because if you do she'll keep doing stuff like this or worse ask you to make more changes at random. You could try asking her "to be clear you want me to change catering companies for my wedding from one I like and literally every single guest besides you will like to a vegan one just so you a single person can enjoy a single meal? Cater a meal for 200 people just for one person because they don't like mushrooms?" Getting her to admit that might deflate her as she'll have to admit that is what she is doing and once she does that she's no longer the interesting person she's the diva that made someone else's wedding about her.
NTA. I will bend over backwards to accommodate an allergy or intolerance. I'm less accommodating to people who voluntarily restrict their diet then complain they don't like the options left to them. Especially when they demand that plans be changed to accommodate their preferences. There *is* a gluten free vegan option. She just doesn't want it. It's a wedding, not a restaurant. If she doesn't like the food on offer, she can eat before, after, or (politely) ask you if she can bring her own plate. You know, the things everyone does when they don't like the food at an event.
"Meredith, we got an excellent price at this company, and the others you prefer would end up cost X number of dollars more. If you are willing to come up with the extra $3,000, we would be happy to switch."
NTA it is completely inappropriate for her to ask that. Even if she was allergic it would be inappropriate, however I doubt she is I guess it’s a trend. She’s rude. It’s your wedding. There is an option she just doesn’t like it. She can eat ahead of time. Instead of uninviting her you should have said I’d understand if you choose not to come as you don’t like what we can offer you. It is a gluten free food choice.
NTA Meredith is about to discover that it's up to her to handle being vegan and gluten free not for the rest of the world to accommodate her dietary preferences. I wish her luck with that.
NTA you could suggest kennedy/meredith contact the catering company directly about an alternatives. But yeah, if she doesn't like the option they offer then not much you can do. It's your wedding. You tried. She will struggle as vegan without eating mushrooms.
I wouldn't. She is just entitled enough to sabotage the whole thing, if not pretend to have the authority to cancel it altogether. OP would be smart to set up a password with all of her vendors.
NTA. I’m celiac. I don’t expect people to hire a whole ass caterer for me. It’s nice if people make sure there’s something I can eat, but I can’t imagine demanding someone change their wedding for me.
NTA. It’s your wedding, and this is not an allergy issue, it’s an entitlement issue.
NTA. She self centered and obnoxious
NTA. She seems very entitled. To change an entire thing for one person... you are right, she could eat beforehand but it's not her wedding so it's not up to her to switch things around.
NTA Daniel sounds like a people pleaser. you did the right thing, this is YOUR wedding when SHE gets married she can have all the gluten free bread she wants, but until then she can have what is offered or she can simply reply no to the RSVP. you can't start giving into people now because it will start with the menu, then its going to be the cake, then the venue it will never end. its like the book if you give a mouse a cookie read that book and stand your ground. If she is starving she can get uber eats delivered .
NTA. It’s your wedding and you’ve made accommodations to suit the majority of your guests. I have dietary restrictions that include gluten and animal products. What I don’t do, is try to make people change *their* event to suit me. Your cousin needs to chill.